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somanyratsinthewalls · 1 year ago

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A Little Funny Business (+18)

Pairing: Buggy x Afab!Reader

WC: 3760

Summary: As a Warlord, you’re always being invited to prestigious Marine Events. With your insatiable sexual appetite, you use these events as a hunting ground for your next prey, and tonight you’re feeling a bit… silly.

Warnings: Bisexual cunty BFF Mihawk, Alcohol consumption, Face Sitting (HONK), Oral Sex (m and f receiving), Inappropriate use of Devil Fruit Powers, nervous Bugs, Missionary, unprotected sex (bad idea!), cream pie (worse idea!), spitting, multiple orgasms, porn with a lot of plot for no reason.

*authors note* I saw someone ask a few weeks ago for more fics about Buggy being a huge loser and I was a little inspired by that LOL he's such a dork wow

MINORS DNI YOU WILL BE BLOCKED

——

“And why do I need to come to this again? I have much better things to be doing than rubbing elbows with those fools.” Dracule ‘Hawkeye’ Mihawk was lounging in your parlor chair with his boots kicked up on the glass coffee table, the large glass of red wine you had offered him swirling in his hand. He was your best… friend? As a fearsome pirate, no one had friends, per se, but he was probably the closest thing you had other than your own crew.

“Because…” You emphasize while you throw on one of your dresses from behind your changing curtain. “I’m in the mood for a romp and if I can’t find someone I think can satisfy me tonight, I might as well bring along ole reliable.” You peek over the top of the curtain and shoot him a wink. Over the years you’ve known each other, you and Mihawk realized that you have incredible sexual compatibility but the thought of being in a committed relationship repulsed you both.

Mihawk rolls his eyes at you.

“For future reference, it’s not sexy to tell a man that he’s your second choice.” He smirked as he sipped his wine. He was indifferent, he just liked to poke fun at you. “So who do you have your eyes on, then? Another Admiral?” He teased.

You scoff as you exit the curtain in a red plunging, halter, backless gown with a slit up nearly to your hip. “After Aokiji? No way. His hands were so cold I felt like I was the the doctor’s office.” You give Mihawk a twirl, gesticulating at your dress. “Thoughts?”

Mihawk takes another sip of his wine.

“You look like a whore.” He smiles slightly and quirks up an eyebrow at your body. You turn around to face yourself in the mirror. You grin.

“Perfect.”

— —

Upon docking your ship at the upper-class Marine town where the ball was being held, you slipped on your jacket and heels and made your way to the banquet hall. You made sure to arrive fashionably late, to make your presence known once most of the attendees have already gotten comfortable in their cups.

“Miss Y/n, I can take your coat, please allow me.” A dinky little pink-haired Marine Cadet gently shuffled your coat off your now bare shoulders.

“Aren’t you cute, thank you dear. Keep it warm for me, hey?” With a wink you slipped a one-thousand berry note into his uniform pocket.

“Y-y-y-yes! Of course, Miss! M-m-my pleasure!” The young cadet sputters out while hurrying off to hang your coat.

You square your shoulders as you saunter into the extravagant banquet hall filled with important men and women. The hall had vaulted ceilings with beautiful skylights and the walls were adorned with gold appliqué and candelabras. You feel the eyes of many on you as you stroll towards the bar.

“A gin martini please, up, extra dirty.” The bartender nods at you and begins mixing your cocktail. You reach into your purse for your pocket mirror and lipstick and reapply the gorgeous shade of red that matches your dress. After stowing your cosmetics, your drink was ready so you reach out and touch the martini glass.

“Really? The Marines can’t even spring for chilled glasses?” You furrow your brow at how cheap the government organization had gotten lately. You hear a low chuckle from the man next to you.

“Allow me.” You hear him say. Suddenly, as if by magic, a frost of ice begins to form from the bottom of your glass to the very top. Realizing who was standing beside you at the bar, you smile.

“I wondered where you’d made off to. You never called me back, you know.” Admiral Aokiji looks down at you.

“I do know. It’s nothing personal, Admiral, but keep frosting these glasses for me and I might just change my mind.” You wink and stroll back to the rest of the party with your drink.

After scanning the crowd you see Mihawk seated at a table with a few others. He was hard to miss… he just had to bring that eyesore of a weapon everywhere. You take the seat next to him and put your drink on the table.

“I miss anything good yet? Did the fishmen get here? They always make it weird.” You question Mihawk.

“No, painfully boring as expected.” Mihawk swigs from his drink. “At least it’s an open bar. Have you found your ‘soup of the day’ yet?” He inquires about your hunt for your next sexual conquest. You laugh out loud at his phrasing.

“Hah! Not yet. Old man Garp looks kind of nice lately though…” You say looking over your left shoulder at the vice-admiral who was paying attention only to the roving stewards with trays of meat-heavy appetizers. Mihawk crinkles up his nose slightly.

“He looks like he bites. Not in a good way.” The two of you make eye contact then snort into your drinks trying to hold in your laughter.

“Ah, my friends! What a pleasure to see you both!” A booming voice caused both you and Mihawk to turn around in your chairs. A massively tall, blonde, sunglasses-clad man was sidling your way.

“Oh gods, why him? I thought for sure he wouldn’t make it…” Mihawk whispers as he takes a huge gulp of his drink.

“Ugh.” You turn back towards the table, hoping he would just go away.

“Is that any way to greet an old pal?” DonQuixote Doflamingo laughs as he muscles his way in-between the two of you.

“Doflamingo.” You beam up at him with the fakest smile you could muster. You extend a limp hand which he takes in his much larger one. He licks his lips before he kisses it. “Couldn’t be bothered leaving that gaudy thing at the coat check?” You nod your chin towards his ridiculous hot pink jacket. Doflamingo chortles.

“Always such a charmer, y/n. What does a King have to do for you to join them in his bedchambers tonight?” He licks his lips again. Still smiling at him widely, you respond.

“When I say that I would rather cover a sea cucumber in sandpaper and-“

Doflamingo leans over you, trying to intimidate you.

“You’re rejecting me? You must think I won’t kill every single one in here and then-“

Mihawk rises and pushes a hand against Doflamingo’s massive chest.

“Wait until she has a few more martinis. She’s much more… adventurous. Speaking from experience… friend.” Mihawk dispels the situation with ease. Doflamingo huffs and heads off to converse with some Marine Higher-Ups.

“He’s going to actually kill you one day, you know.”

“I’d rather fight him than fuck him. He’s insufferable and you know it. Fucking bird brain.” You snap at Mihawk as you take the last sip of your drink. You notice Mihawk’s drink is empty as well. “Get me another drink, will you love?” You smile sweetly at the swordsman.

“You’re lucky I can’t say no to you.” Mihawk grabs your empty glasses and leaves for the bar. You take this opportunity to scan the ballroom for potential lovers or anyone interesting enough to even have a conversation with. You were starting to regret even coming… when you overhear two marine captains chatting near you.

“Who invited that guy?”

“Bro he’s a warlord now, can you believe that?”

“No way… he’s so… lame?”

This piqued your interest. You looked in the direction they were gesturing in. There was a man who had just arrived at the event, one you had yet to meet in person. This gentleman was wearing a slightly dirty orange fur jacket with a matching giant, orange pirate hat adorned with blue and green. What you noticed immediately, though, was his large, round, red nose.

“Buggy the clown, nice to meet ya. It’s me, Buggy, the clown. The Genius Jester, Buggy the Clown, yes that’s me. Captain Buggy, pleasure to meet ya.” The silly looking man was shaking hands like he was running for office. It was corny and he was clearly out of place. You found yourself smiling at his awkward behavior. After pandering to the crowd, the clown eventually seated himself at a table across the room with a glass of whiskey.

“Your martini, my lady, just the way you like it.” Mihawk returns with a new martini for you, unfortunately not chilled.

“Thanks. Say, what do you know about the circus guy?” You nod in Buggy’s direction.

“Oh him? We have an old mutual friend. He’s an idiot. Everything good that’s ever happened to him he’s stumbled ass-backwards into it. I give it a week or two as a warlord before someone’s killed him for his spot.” Mihawk explains.

“Interesting. I’ll be back.” You stride towards Buggy’s table at the opposite end of the ballroom. Without asking or saying anything, you take a seat right beside the clown.

“Hi.” You lean on your elbow on the table with your head tilted to the side.

“O-oh, Hi! You’re uh- um- y/n!” The clown stutters out, startled by your sudden appearance next to him.

“Mhmm…. And you’re Buggy… Captain Buggy.” You look into his sea-glass colored eyes.

“Y-yes! I am Captain Buggy the Clown. A powerful warlord of the sea!” He nervously chokes out at you. You giggle.

“Yeah, me too. So…” You draw circles on the table with your finger. “What brings you to some stuffy Marine function like this one? Doesn’t really seem like your speed.”

“Uh… The free food and booze, honestly.”

You laugh. Buggy’s posture becomes less stiff and uncomfortable.

“I’m glad we’re here for similar reasons, Mr. Clown.” You raise your martini glass in his direction. Buggy raises his whiskey and clinks his glass to yours.

“Please, y/n, call me Buggy. Mr. Clown was my father.”

Maybe it was the gin talking, but you found yourself laughing out loud at his stupid joke. You both finish your drinks after your toast.

“Hey, y/n… wanna see a card trick?” Buggy pulls a crusty old deck of cards out of his coat pocket and starts shuffling them. Your eyes widen, not expecting this man to be fully committed to the clown bit.

“Fuck it, show me.”

Several minutes of shuffling and slight-of-hand go by before the clown pulls a Queen of Hearts out the deck.

“Is this your card?” He raises an eyebrow at you.

“No fucking shit!” You slam your hands on the table, genuinely impressed that he had picked your card.

“Hah Hah! Told ya!” Buggy laughs as he finishes his drink. You notice his empty glass.

“Let me get you another drink. Don’t go anywhere.” You wink as you grab your glasses and turn towards the bar. After ordering and receiving your two drinks, you spy Mihawk at the end of the bar facing outward.

“So, how’s the plight of the huntress going? Anyone that you-“ He starts as he brings his drink to his lips, but you cut him off.

“I’m going to fuck the clown.” You say with a deadpan expression.

“Gods, y/n, what?” Mihawk chokes out after he spits out his drink.

“Yep. See you!” You don’t give Mihawk a chance to criticize your choice before you walk off. You bring the drinks back to the blue-haired clown and sit down, pulling your chair close to his as you sit.

“Thanks!” Buggy takes a big gulp of his drink, noticing that your knees are now touching his. “So… uh… y/n? I gotta ask… with all these big wigs here… why are ya talking to me all night?”

You sense his insecurities. Cute, you thought.

“Well, Buggy,” You emphasize his name. “Unlike you, I am not new to this game. And since I am not new to this game, frankly, I am bored. All these stuck up, no-fun, corporate dickheads make for a very boring party.” You grab his hand that’s clutching his drink on the table. “You however…” You stroke your thumb along the back of his glove. You could see a drop of sweat slide down his temple. “You are fun. I like fun.”

Buggy giggles nervously.

“Heh, well, uh, t-thank you. You’re… you’re f-fun too…” He uses his free gloved hand to rub the back of his neck.

“Do you wanna see how much fun I can be, Captain Buggy?” You cock your head to the side and place your other hand on his knee. Buggy’s eyes blow so wide you thought he had seen a ghost.

“I-… I- Um… Ah!” He jolts as you slide your hand up his thigh, further trying to get your point across.

“Want to come back to my ship with me, Buggy?” You lean and whisper in his ear.

“Yes! Of course I do! Now? Can we go now?” He stands up. You laugh.

“Follow me, funny guy.”

— —

Buggy follows you all the way back to your ship like a lovesick puppy. Trailing behind you and asking you all kinds of questions and oversharing about himself. You board your ship and lead him into your luxurious captain’s quarters and close the door behind you both.

“Wow it’s really nice in here, y/n! Who does your…-mmph!” Buggy is cut off by your lips smashing against his as you push him against the closed door.

You wrap your arms around the back of his neck and kiss him deeper. You feel smooth gloved hands wrap around your waist as he finally kisses you back once the shock wore off. Your lips move slowly together at first. Buggy is awkwardly trying to find a rhythm, but after a few moments he feels confident enough to walk you backwards and push you both onto your plush pink comforter. Now laying down, you wrap your legs around his hips, effectively hiking your dress up and exposing your panties to him. Buggy pulls back breathlessly and looks down at you.

“Uh, so, uh… I-I don’t do this a lot… A-Are you sure you want to-?” His brows are furrowed and his eyes are full of uncertainty.

You bring your hands up and remove his hat and tossing it to the floor, smoothing his long blue hair off to one side.

“Buggy. I want you. Please.” With your last plead, you bucked your hips upward to grind into his hardened bulge. Buggy’s eyes rolled into the back of his head.

“Fuck! Okay, okay, okay- let’s get this thing off you, hey?” Hurriedly, Buggy lifts your already hiked up dress over your head leaving you fully exposed except for a red lace thong with a little wet patch right over your hole. His eyes dart from your naked breasts to your long legs to your clothed sex, before you snapped him out of it.

“I think you have too many clothes on.” You jump up and slide his jacket off of his shoulders and then lift his shirt off his head as he takes off his trousers and boots. Not wearing underwear (you smirk at this realization) he was now naked in front of you. You grab his face with both hands and pull him into a passionate kiss. He falls on top of you again. But during your heated make out, you roll him over so that you’re on top, grinding your lace covered cunt against his hard cock.

“Y-y/n! Ah!” Buggy moans out lewdly, and he isn’t even inside of you yet. Perhaps knowing he wouldn’t last long once he feels your warm insides sucking him in, he pleads with you.

“Let me taste you, please, y/n. Wanna make you feel good on me…” He was so desperate, it was so cute. You giggle.

“Aww, you’re so cute, Buggy. Of course I’ll let you have a taste. Now open wide baby…” You shuffle your way up to his face and straddle it with your body facing the headboard. You grip your panties and push them forcefully to the side, exposing your slick pussy mere millimeters above Buggy’s waiting mouth. You fully seat yourself down on his face, knowing he could take it. He was a warlord now, after all.

“Mmmpph!” Buggy swirls his tongue experimentally around your slit, groaning at the sinful taste. He laps and sucks up and down your cunt until he eventually finds your clit, eliciting a loud moan from you when he slurps it between his lips.

“Fuck, there!” You throw your head back in pleasure as the man below you learns what turns you on and how to bring you to that edge. “Just like that, fuck! Keep going!” He enthusiastically licks at your clit harder with your praise. He moves to slip his tongue into your hole, you sigh out and wind your hands in his hair below you. Instinctively, you push your cunt onto his face, trying to force his tongue deeper into you when you hear-

HONK!

You gasp as all motions on your sex stop and you look down. Nervous, anxious eyes look back up at you from between your legs.

“Buggy… baby…”

“Y/n I-“

“Baby that’s so hot.” You were panting down at him. His expression became one of even more confusion. “I want more. Do it again.”

Buggy was in shock. There’s no way you were really saying his nose was… sexy? It was turning you on? You had to be joking. There’s no way that you-

Buggy’s thoughts were cut off by you pushing your pussy down onto his mouth again, whining and begging for more of his tongue.

HONK!

“Please baby? Make me cum on that handsome face of yours.” You gasp out as he resumes his ministrations on your swollen clit. You close your eyes and moan loudly. You feel two hands massaging at your breasts, and you snap your eyes open to see two disembodied hands at your chest.

“Shit, yes! I’m gonna- ah!”

With a final pinch of your nipples and a harsh suck to your clit, your orgasm rips through your body and you shriek out and grab the headboard in front of you for balance. Shudders of pleasure still radiate through your body as you hear Buggy’s hands reattach to his body and he pulls you down onto the bed with him. He cradles your face and kisses you deeply. You moan at the taste of your release on his lips.

Buggy pulls back from the kiss.

“D-Do ya still want to-?” Buggy asked, hesitantly, like he didn’t just let you ride his face.

“Gods, yes. Fuck me.” You sighed as you slipped your panties all the way off and laid back on the bed with your legs spread. You were wiped from your orgasm, but your hole was still aching to be filled by the clown. He climbs on top of you and smiles a wicked smile.

“Get it nice and wet for me first, kay?”

Suddenly you feel something velvety and hard tap against the side of your mouth. You glance down and see Buggy’s detached cock prodding at your kiss-bitten lips. You mindlessly obey and open your mouth and allow Buggy to slide it onto your tongue hands (and body) free. You wrap your lips around his shaft and try to suck it in as far as it will go down your throat.

“W-wow doll, you really are somethin’!” Feeling himself already losing it at your cock-hungry expression, he pulls himself from your lips and attaches his spit-soaked cock back to his body, positioned at your dripping hole.

“Just fuck me already, Buggy!” You grab his ass and push his hips into yours. He gets the message and swiftly bottoms out inside of you, the sloppy wetness of your saliva and arousal making it easy to slip right in. His long blue locks are splayed over his bare shoulders that stutter as he tries to compose himself now that he’s fully buried in your hot sex. You groan out, finally feeling him fill you.

“FUCK, y/n!” Buggy leans forward and bites deeply into your neck, still trying to steel himself. Thinking this would keep him from cumming immediately, it had the opposite effect. When you felt his teeth in your neck, your cunt clenched on him so tight that it triggered his orgasm. Buggy’s eyes roll back and he muffles his moan. He can’t let you know that he came so early.

Fighting overstimulation, he shallowly starts thrusting his hips into yours. Buggy whimpers at the feeling of his oversensitive cock gliding through your slippery, now cum-coated walls.

“Harder, fuck me harder, PLEASE!” You were begging him to rail you, and he knew he had to give it to you. Hearing you plead made him fully hard again immeasurably quickly. Buggy places one hand on your hip and angles himself to thrust upwards inside your cunt.

“That’s so good baby, please, right there just like that, you’re doing so good for me.” You slid your left hand down and rubbed your clit in tight circles.

“Fuck, let me…” Buggy slaps your hand away to replace it with one of his now detached hands. He slows down his thrusts enough to drop a glob of spit down onto your clit and start rubbing it himself.

“Bugs, fuck! Gonna cum! Ah, shit… yes!” You jolt upwards and waves of pleasure start overtaking your body. Buggy fucks you through your orgasm and picks up his pace. He attaches his hand and now places both hands on your hips to slam you onto his cock at a breakneck speed.

“Gonna fucking make you mine…. All mine…”

“Ah- yes- yours- fuck-“ You sputter out incoherently as you bounce back and forth against the bed on Buggy’s cock.

“There it is baby… yes-!… ” Buggy slams his hips into yours deeply and empties himself for a second time inside of you tonight. After catching his breath in the crook of your neck, Buggy rolls off of you and lays his head on the pillow next to yours. You both make eye contact and start laughing.

Buggy eventually rolls his body into a sitting position and rises from the bed. He begins picking up his belongings and tries pulling his shirt over his head. You sit up and look at him, while pulling the blankets over your body.

“You’re not staying?” You inquire of your clown lover.

“I-I wasn’t… I mean I wasn’t invited to sleep- sleep over? You know? I didn’t want to-“ He stutters out, his shirt on, dick still out in front of you. You giggle and flop back on the bed.

“Get in here. I may be tired now, but I might want to see what else those chop-chop powers can do in the morning.”

Buggy strips his shirt again and hops under the covers with you.

“Doll, you haven’t even seen the half of it.”

#one piece #one piece fanfiction #one piece fanart #one piece fandom #one piece netflix #one piece live action #one piece smut #one piece anime #zoro x reader #law x reader #buggy the clown #buggy one piece #captain buggy #op buggy #buggy x reader #buggy d clown #one piece fanfic

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raisingmybanner · 4 months ago

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Accretion (a royai big bang longfic)

Fandom | Rating | Length: Fullmetal Alchemist | T | 155k COMPLETE

Summary:

accretion [ə-ˈkrē-shən] noun: An accidental deposit of “foreign” material that was not part of the painting process, f. ex. dried liquid residue, flyspecks, etc. (from Stella Art Conservation, LLC) Riza Hawkeye has worked as Security Director for private art authenticator Roy Mustang for eight years with little trouble. However, recently Mustang has taken on riskier and higher-stakes jobs, putting himself and his team in danger of exposure and harm. The objective of a new undercover job – authenticating an elusive ink drawing while undercover on a three-week island retreat – hits too close to home for Riza. Secrets carefully kept threaten to be brought to light, exacerbated by the closeness required while posing as a young engaged couple. Hold on, they have to pose as an… engaged couple? For three weeks?!

Vibes: Modern day Amestris AU, big ol' romcom, casual intimacy, what if instead of military alchemy it's dubiously legal art nerdery, everything BUT a heist, idiots to lovers, fake dating, FEELINGS, emotional support Hayate

The story includes gorgeous illustrations done by some extremely talented artists who have been working tirelessly for months. Go give them some love! You'll find pieces from @justanotherinterneruser, @chewytran, @areyousanta, and Crystal Capsids @rizaposting throughout Accretion, bringing it to life. You'll also find the work of @aldrendaux when you don't trip over sentences starting with the exact same word nearly as much as you would have otherwise ;-) If you need a kind beta with an eye for detail, you won't do better than Aldren.

Accretion is COMPLETE and posted in full on AO3!

Check out the rest of the Big Bang collection on AO3 HERE or download the amazing ebook PDF HERE.

...What are you still doing here? GO READ THESE FICS! RUN!!

#royai big bang #royai big bang 2024 #accretion #fma royai #fullmetal alchemist #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #fma fanfiction #fmab #fma brotherhood

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hballegro · 7 months ago

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i have more conspiracies about MASH that may or may not be true, but ive decided they are. they also just might have been explained, but im dumb, and cant remember. heres your sequel.

in 7x3 where hawkeye tackles bj, bj goes "AAH!' and hawkeye says 'WRONG! THAT STARTS WITH AN H!'. this is because mike farrell's line was 'hey!' but due to the force and drama of the scene, just Yelped instead.

All the dogs that turned up that never appeared again [like the one bj and hawk "ate" when they were trying to scare a visitor, dogs seen in 1 shot, etc] were just dogs that the production crew/cast owned and wanted to bring to work/volunteered their animal for acting duty

in the handful if scenes where hawkeye is actually knitting [and not using the red yarn, for the reason given in the previous edition], hes making a blankie for erin. [co-credit my sibling]

klinger got his ears pierced during the course of the show, starting with clearly just clip-ons and then later declares he doesnt want his ears to close up. some say continuity error, I say commitment (and also it would probably be easier to find real earrings instead of clip-ons)

in s7e2 Peace on Us, no one told bill christopher to tie that red streamer around his neck, he just thought it would be silly

in s7e2 Peace on Us, again, no one told alan alda to drive the jeep back to camp with his leg up like that. he just knows the character well enough to make that call. which he's correct about

the scar on hawkeye's lip was caused by a fishhook in his youth. got called Troutboy a long time afterward because of it.

bj is a vaseline girlie and takes good care of his hair as well.

hawkeye sniffs food because, having grown up partly during the depression, eating spoiled food was a real risk, so giving it a good ol' sniff-test was a given

fr mulcahy cares deeply about his appearance and engages in more grooming activities than any other guy in camp [the shower cap, always looking perfect, owning gardening gloves, manicured hands and feet, etc]. he even irons his stole on a bi-weekly basis and launders his clerical collars

hawkeye's issues with people leaving and not saying goodbye began with his mother after she passed, since his father didnt want him to worry

on nights where charles goes to bed after the other two, he will occasionally clean up a little bit. this contributes to why he's so pissed in 'Pressure Points'- he's been doing his own cleaning and some of theirs without them noticing or caring.

once again these are all just things that came to mind while watching, i didnt think too hard on them. the only one 'researched' on was the food sniffing, solely because i needed to do Year Math lol

#i mean that blankie one with my WHOLE HEART #mash #m*a*s*h #mash 4077 #mashblogging #mashblr #hawkeye pierce #charles emerson winchester iii #bj hunnicutt #father mulcahy #mike farrell #alan alda #william christopher #like seriously ive thought abt it a long time. why else would we never see it actually used. he made that little girl a blankie #the bj conspiracy abt vaseline is just because i spent a really long time having to stare @ his mouth and went 'he takes care of this thing #same goes for his hair honestly just 'wow he takes care of this stuff huh'#i mean he canonically has a mustache comb so this isnt that far beyond #the sniffing one was partly inspired by me having specifically an egg-sniffing habit because once i bit into a spoiled boiled egg #and now always have to check even if i JUST boiled em #shoutout fr mulcahy for refusing to slack on serving not only the lord but in general #also the yelp one took 2 seconds of thought. just 'wh. he said AAH. why are you saying 'h''#then i realized he was prolly supposed to say 'ahhh! hey! >:['#but when you are tackled by the wet pool noodle man #it is hard to remember your lines #edited just to highlight the blankie one further im being so serious about that one guys

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wadewnstonwilson · 22 days ago

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deadpool & wolverine reimagine;

(part two: bye bye bye)

trigger warnings: like, literally all the violence, i don't really know how else to say that. corpse mutilation, nsync slander.

word count: 2.3k

part one

“Well, well, well! Look who came crawling back for chapter two! I knew you couldn’t stay away. It’s okay, you don’t have to say it—I’m irresistible, like tacos on a cheat day or Hugh Jackman’s abs in literally any movie. But enough about me… no, wait. Let’s talk about me some more.”

Wade's lying on his side, facing the Adamantium skeleton of James Logan Howlett, gesturing wildly as he starts his recap.

“So, where were we? Oh, right. Yours truly was out in the middle of Butt-Fuck North Dakota, digging up ol’ Logan’s skeleton for reasons that are definitely noble and not at all related to my self-destructive tendencies. Things were going great—I was making jokes, desecrating graves, really having a moment—when, BAM! Out of nowhere, the TVA shows up like it’s open mic night, and I’m the only comic left on stage.”

He leans forward, wagging a finger as if he’s lecturing you.

“Now, I know what you’re thinking: ‘Wade, what’s a bunch of Minutemen doing messing with a lovable scamp like you?’ And to that, I say: jealousy. They’re jealous of my stunning good looks, my sparkling personality, and—let’s be honest—my rock-hard glutes. Anyway, they were all like, ‘Ooooh, scary timesticks,’ and I was like, ‘Hard pass,’ and here we are.”

He claps his hands together and grins under the mask. “But lucky for you, the good shit starts now. Action, drama, possibly a musical number if the budget allows. You showed up for the chimichangas, but you’re staying for the chaos.”

Before he can launch into another tangent, a booming voice cuts through the air.

“Wade Winston Wilson!” an unmasked Minuteman yells from across the way, his voice dripping with authority and irritation. “You are under arrest by the Time Variance Authority for too many crimes to list. Come out and we’ll give you the courtesy of taking you in one piece!”

Deadpool freezes mid-gesture, his head slowly turning toward the source of the voice. He blinks a few times, then points to himself incredulously.

“Wade Winston Wilson?” he repeats, his tone mockingly formal. “Oh no, they used my full name. That’s like, Mom-level serious. What’s next? They ground me? Take away my swords? Cancel my Disney+ subscription?”

He turns back to the reader, his voice dropping to a whisper. “They can’t cancel my subscription, right? I mean, Hawkeye is my everything.”

The unmasked Minuteman stood tall and imposing, his voice cutting through the tense air like a blade.

“Last chance: throw out your weapons and come out peacefully.”

Deadpool peeked over the log, his red-and-black mask tilting slightly as if weighing his options. Then, with a shrug, he yelled back, his voice tinged with mock innocence.

“I’m not gonna give you my weapons.” He paused for dramatic effect, tapping his chin as though pondering a moral quandary. “But I promise not to use them. Cross my heart, hope to—ah, who am I kidding? I always hope to die.”

Satisfied with his retort, Deadpool turned back toward the skeleton, his masked face somehow exuding a mischievous grin. He squatted down next to Logan’s skeletal remains, gesturing to his fallen comrade as if introducing him to an old friend.

“You know, there are 206 bones in the human body,” he said conversationally, his tone taking on a sly edge. “207 if I’m watching Gossip Girl. XOXO.”

With a quick movement, he raised his hand and high-fived one of Logan’s skeletal hands, the brittle sound of bone against glove reverberating in the stillness.

“Alright, Peanut,” he whispered to the skeleton, his voice soft but brimming with determination. “Guess we’re getting that team-up after all. Maximum Effort.”

And then it happened. The mental switch that Wade Wilson flipped in moments of chaos. The world seemed to slow down for just a second, long enough for him to hear the music in his head—a carefully curated playlist of insanity. Was it a copping mechanism? Or just a way to blow off steam? The world may never know. This time, it was NSYNC's “Bye, Bye, Bye”. As the opening beats played in his mind, Deadpool’s body swayed slightly to the rhythm, his shoulders bouncing as if warming up for the carnage to come.

Deadpool launched himself from behind the dirt pile, a blur of red, black, and chaos. He gripped Logan’s skeletal neck in one hand, hoisting the remains like a grotesque trophy.

The Minutemen surged forward, their timesticks glowing ominously as they moved in formation, like a precision drill team. But Deadpool, wielding Logan’s skeleton like a deranged god of war, looked utterly unbothered. He landed in the clearing with a dramatic roll, one knee to the ground, Logan’s remains clutched tightly in his gloved hand.

For a brief moment, the battlefield seemed frozen in time. Then Deadpool stood, his posture commanding, his head cocked to one side. With a single jerk of his hand, he snapped off one of Wolverine’s adamantium rib bones. The metallic crack echoed through the air as Deadpool brandished the jagged rib like a dagger, its sharp edges gleaming menacingly in the dim light.

“Nothing personal,” he muttered, giving the rib a quick twirl.

In one hand, he held Logan’s rib bone, the jagged piece of adamantium glinting ominously as he hurled it with a force that seemed impossible. The rib bone whistled through the air and embedded itself in the neck of an oncoming Minuteman, the sharp crack of armor breaking and the gurgle of a stunned gasp echoing as the soldier collapsed.

But Deadpool was only getting started. He didn’t miss a beat—literally. He danced forward, his hips swaying and feet tapping to the rhythm only he could hear,

He bent down, grabbing Logan’s tibia—the long, solid bone still attached to rotting tendons. With a flick of his wrist, he slammed it into another Minuteman’s chest plate, the bone splintering through reinforced armor as if it were paper. The soldier crumpled to the ground, clutching at his shattered chest as Deadpool ripped the tibia free with a wet, sucking sound.

“Oh yeah, baby! Nothing beats the classics,” Wade quipped, spinning the tibia like a baseball bat before catching sight of two thigh bones still tethered to shin bones by decaying tendons. His masked face lit up with an almost childlike glee.

“Hello, beautiful!” he exclaimed, snatching the gruesome combo and giving it an experimental swing. The tendons held firm, creating the perfect makeshift nunchucks. “Oh, Logan, you shouldn’t have. Best gift ever!”

Deadpool twirled the bone nunchucks over his head with the speed and flair of a seasoned martial artist, channeling his inner Bruce Lee. The bones whirled around him in a blur, and as the first Minuteman charged, Deadpool swung the makeshift weapons with a resounding CRACK! The blow connected with the soldier’s helmet, sending it flying into the air.

Another Minuteman lunged, but Deadpool’s spinning bones caught him in the ribs, shattering his armor and sending him sprawling. He pivoted on his heel, the momentum of the nunchucks carrying into a full-circle sweep that took down three more soldiers, their forearms snapping like twigs under the relentless assault.

“Bone-crushing? Check. Skull-popping? Double check. This is officially the best day ever!”

Deadpool continued his rampage, swinging the thigh and shin bones with reckless abandon. He brought them down on a Minuteman’s shoulder, the blow so forceful that it drove the soldier to his knees. Without missing a beat, Deadpool wrapped the tendons around the man’s throat and pulled tight. The soldier clawed desperately at the grotesque noose, but Deadpool yanked harder, his voice cheerful as he said, “You know what they say—if you love someone, let them go. If you really love someone, pop their skull off!”

With a sickening SNAP, the Minuteman’s head detached from his body, flying off like a grotesque soccer ball and landing with a dull thud. Deadpool let out a triumphant laugh, spinning the now-headless Minuteman’s body before tossing it aside.

Noticing the remaining rib bones on Logan’s skeleton, Deadpool discarded the nunchucks with a flourish. “Don’t worry, Peanut, I’m not done with you yet.”

He ripped rib after rib from Logan’s skeletal frame, the sound of snapping tendons and wet cracks filling the air. Each rib became a projectile, a deadly javelin of adamantium that he hurled with precision. One rib pierced through the chest of a Minuteman, pinning him to a tree like a grotesque piece of modern art. Another rib caught a soldier mid-leap, slicing through his torso and sending him crashing to the ground in a heap.

“Oh, come on, guys! Don’t fall apart on me now!” Wade taunted, throwing another rib that speared two Minutemen at once, their bodies colliding in a heap before toppling like bowling pins.

When the ribs were exhausted, Deadpool turned his attention to Logan’s clavicles. “You’ve been holding out on me, Peanut! These bad boys are sharp!”

He yanked the clavicles free, wielding them like twin daggers. He leaped into the air, driving one clavicle into the joint of an approaching Minuteman, the sharp bone slicing through soft tissue with ease. The soldier screamed, but Deadpool spun behind him, plunging the second clavicle into his unprotected back.

“See? I’m just trying to get under your skin—literally!” Deadpool cackled, kicking the wounded soldier to the ground and turning toward the next threat.

The Minuteman charged, his timestick raised high, glowing with time-warping energy. Deadpool sidestepped the first swing and grabbed Logan’s pelvis from the skeleton. He held it up like a shield, using it to block the next strike. The timestick glanced off the pelvic bone with a flash of sparks, and Deadpool grinned beneath his mask.

“Oh, now this is just embarrassing for you,” he said, twisting the Minuteman’s wrist with the edge of the pelvis. The soldier cried out as the timestick slipped from his grasp, and Deadpool grabbed it mid-fall.

“Guess what? You just got... boned!” Wade quipped, using the pelvis to wrench the Minuteman’s arm backward. The soldier stumbled, hitting the ground hard as Deadpool pointed the timestick at him. With a push of the button, the Minuteman was pruned out of existence, disappearing in a flash of light.

Deadpool crouched low over what remained of Wolverine’s skeleton, his breathing heavy and erratic beneath the mask. The battlefield around him was littered with shattered helmets, crushed ribs, and the faint groans of defeated Minutemen. But Wade was far from done. His gaze fell on Logan’s forearms, the glint of adamantium beneath decayed tendons catching his eye.

“Alright, Peanut,” Wade muttered, grabbing the skeletal forearms with both hands. “Time to see just how versatile you really are. And by ‘versatile,’ I mean ‘how much shit I can wreck with your leftover bits.’”

With a grunt, he widened the bone structure of the forearms, splitting the tendons just enough to slide his arms inside. The grotesque sound of sinew stretching filled the air as he worked his way up to the elbows.

“Oh yeah, baby,” Wade purred, flexing his fingers inside the makeshift arm guards. “Elbow-length adamantium gloves. So 2025. Eat your heart out, Gucci.”

As a new wave of Minutemen approached, their timesticks glowing ominously, Wade’s fingers brushed against a taut tendon near the base of the forearm. He tilted his head, curiosity sparkling in his voice.

“What’s this little doohickey?” he asked, prodding the tendon like a cat with a new toy. Then, with a sudden SNIKT, Logan’s iconic claws shot out from the forearm bones, gleaming like deadly knives in the light.

Deadpool froze, his body stiff as the weight of what he’d just unleashed sank in. Slowly, ever so slowly, he looked down at his hands. The claws extended from his clenched fists like they were made for him, a perfect, albeit horrifying, fit.

“Ooooooohhhhh yeah,” Wade breathed, his voice a mix of awe and pure, unadulterated glee. He stood, backlit by the eerie glow of the TVA’s Time Door, his hunched figure radiating an almost primal menace. Wolverine’s claws glinted menacingly as Deadpool flexed his fingers, testing their strength.

“I am soaking wet right now,” he declared, his voice dripping with excitement.

The approaching Minutemen hesitated, their formation faltering as they took in the sight of Deadpool, fully armed with Wolverine’s legendary claws. Wade let out a low growl, his knees bending as he crouched into an animalistic stance. He tilted his head back and roared, a guttural, feral sound that echoed through the battlefield. For a moment, he was the embodiment of raw, unbridled chaos—a blood-soaked parody of Wolverine himself.

But then, as quickly as it had begun, the moment froze. The world seemed to hold its breath, and Deadpool straightened slightly, his head tilting as if he’d just remembered you were there.

“To be clear,” he said, his voice suddenly calm, even conversational, “I’m not proud of any of this. The wanton violence. The whiff of necrophilia. It isn’t who I am.”

He paused, looking down at the claws protruding from his fists, the absurdity of the moment sinking in.

“It isn’t who I want to be,” he continued, his tone almost reflective now. “Who I want to be—well, to help you understand that, I’ve gotta take you back. To a simpler time. A time before I was desecrating graves and wearing my dead friend like a goddamn suit of armor.”

He sighed, the claws retracting with a metallic shink as he flexed his fingers. “But you’re just going to have to wait for chapter three, dear reader. Because, let’s be honest, our little fingers can only type so fast, and you can’t have too much of a good thing all at once, can you?”

Deadpool gestured dramatically toward the carnage around him. “So go on, grab a snack, do some squats, maybe rewatch Logan—you know, for research. I’ll be here, keeping it... classy.”

With that, he gave a cheeky salute, his grin practically audible through the mask, before turning back to the battlefield, claws popping once more as he prepared to dive back into the fray.

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hurtspideyparker · 6 days ago

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For a request how about a fluffy winterhawk doing shopping to refill their first aid kit? I imagine between the two of them it sees a lot of use.

The pair walk at a leisurely pace in the 24 hour CVS.

There's a number of odd characters, including themselves, but that's what they get for shopping at 2 am. There's the goth cashier, a man in an oddly tall cowboy hat, a couple of teenagers messing around in the chip section, and of course the two Avengers with blooming bruises from the fight they just finished. Which is really not their fault. I mean, who does crime after midnight? Bad people, probably.

"Wanna get some ice cream?" Clint asks while tossing some frozen peas into the basket Bucky is carrying.

"I don't think we'll have enough room."

"Come on man, one Ben & Jerry's isn't gonna break the bank."

"One, really? For both of us? You threw a spoon at my head last time I poked in your pint. I just wanted to try the flavour."

Clint thinks on that.

"Hm, you're right, you're right. We'll do a wrap around at the end and I'll just carry it."

They leave the icy doors and head straight for the first aid aisle. They spot the gauze and bandages first, taking a moment to analyze the different brands, sizes, and types, before Clint takes an arm to the shelf and swipes the entire thing into their basket. Bucky nods approvingly before speaking up.

"This is your fault y'know, you procrastinate."

Clint scoffs, "I'll have you know it was your week to do the shopping."

"The first aid kit's been empty since last week, when you sprained your wrist. Remember when you tried using a compression sock as a wrap. Also, you're bleeding on the flyers."

Clint looks down at the paper. That indeed is his blood. Another drop falls from his nose onto the shelf, "oop, my bad." He grabs Bucky's sweatshirt and uses the corner to wipe up the blood.

Bucky rolls his eyes and grabs a box of band-aids off the next shelf.

"Just for that I'm getting you the hello kitty ones," Bucky pulls out an evil looking purple bunny and then tosses the box into the basket.

He peels it open and places the bandage with care over the bridge of the archer's nose.

"Joke's on you, Kuromi fits my colour scheme."

Bucky stares at him blankly for a moment.

"I speak 7 languages and yet I still manage to not understand you in your native one, which is honestly more impressive."

"Why thank you," Clint gives a cocksure smile.

They move along, tossing in some medical tape, 4 types of pain meds in giant bulk containers, and heat packs.

Bucky picks up a bottle of rubbing alcohol.

"Woah man, that stuff isn't right for you anymore. It's all about good ol' soap and water now. Don't you keep up with medical news?"

"No, and I doubt you do." he says with a raised brow.

"Okay fine, Bruce told me, but still."

While Bucky doesn't trust anything Clint finds online, he does trust Bruce Banner, so he puts the bottle down.

"Vaseline's in the beauty aisle, brb."

Clint jogs around the corner and Bucky calls out to his back, "stop saying abbreviations out loud!"

Bucky continues wandering on his own, collecting a few random things into the quickly filling basket.

"Incoming!" Bucky doesn't even react as a jar of Vaseline and some tweezers come flying over the shelving and land perfectly on the pile.

Bucky isn't even in his original spot anymore, how did—nope, not going there. If he asks, he'll just get told "because I'm fucking Hawkeye," with that stupid charming smirk that secretly gives him cuteness aggression.

Bucky Barnes does not get cuteness aggression.

He turns around the corner the same time Clint steps back in front of him.

"Hiya, did you miss me?"

"No," Bucky says, placing a little kiss on Clint's lips.

"Aw, you totally did." Clint fists Bucky's top and pulls him in for another kiss.

The man goes easily, melting into the familiar taste of copper and the sting in his lip from where someone hit him in the face with the butt of their rifle. The stubble is an even more familiar roughness, closer to a tickle. Clint pulls back with a salacious pop, bringing his thumb up to wipe away the spare saliva in the corner of Bucky's mouth.

They hear a strong tone of throat clearing nearby, looking up to see cowboy hat staring at them in disgust with a cart full of dog food.

"Evening sir," Clint waves, then gives a little tip of his imaginary hat. The man just shakes his head then needs moving.

"C'mon, get your ice cream and lets go."

Clint acquiesces, reluctantly pulling away from Bucky's warmth.

After getting the promised ice cream they head straight for the self checkout. The last time they went to a cashier-only pharmacy to restock their first aid they got stared at like they were planning on cutting up the cashier and selling her kidneys (the sewing kit really didn't help), so dumping the pile of gauze away from the employees prying eyes saves them from talking to the cops.

The receipt takes ages to print, Clint grabbing more and more of it like a magician pulling scarves from a hat.

"Babe, will you tie me up with the CVS receipt and do dirty, dirty things to me later?"

Bucky huffs out a laugh and pushes at the other's shoulder, "shut up freak."

Cowboy hat decides to pull up to a nearby checkout just at that very moment, freezing and sending the pair a look like he's personally casting them to the depths of hell.

Clint turns to him, a mischievous smirk that could mean nothing good.

"Sir, would you tie me up with this CVS receipt and—"

Bucky clamps a hand over the man's lips and forcibly drags him out of the building.

#winterhawk #bucky barnes #clint barton #marvel #marvel ficlet #ficlet #hawkguy #ask #anon #im super swamped with school rn but im thinking about the other asks and will get to them on the weekend!#this one was fun to write :D

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