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fruitcoops · 4 years ago

Note

could we see coops first big fight when they’re married? (essentially pure angst)

Yes, we can! Don’t worry, I got your follow-up ask about a happy ending as well--there are no sad endings on this blog, just some bittersweet ones, and this is very soft and fluffy. Hope you enjoy!

Combined with prompts for...

1. Another of Coops’ serious talks

2. Remus overworking himself to keep up

3. From @colored-rain: Sirius sleeping at Dumo’s for a night

4. Slow dancing in the kitchen

TW for couples fighting, suppression, and marriage issues

“Do you think we got married too fast?” a quiet voice asked in the darkness.

Remus paused for several heartbeats before opening his eyes and turning over; Sirius was staring at the ceiling, wide awake. “What?”

“Do you think we got married too fast?” Sirius repeated without looking at him.

“Do you?” Remus countered. Something panicky was starting to buzz in the back of his brain and he tried to keep his breaths steady. Sirius wasn’t breaking up with him. They had only been married for a few months. Things were really, really good—as far as he knew, they were both happier than they had ever been.

Sirius sighed through his nose. “I don’t know.”

“What?” Remus sat up against the headboard, wide awake. “What do you mean, you don’t know?”

“I—” Sirius shifted to sit up as well and crossed his legs. “I don’t know! People usually date for a lot longer than a year and a half before getting married, right?”

“We’ve known each other for seven years, Sirius.”

“Yes, and I love you, and you’re wonderful, but everything happened so fast.”

Remus wasn’t sure if his heart was trying to crawl out of his chest or dissolve into a puddle of pain. “Are you—Sirius, are you breaking up with me?”

“No!” Sirius said immediately. “I just said I love you, what the hell?”

“People can love each other and still break up!”

Sirius grabbed his hands, holding tight even when Remus tried to pull back and let his panic overtake him. Grey eyes locked on his, as solemn as he had ever seen them. “I’m not breaking up with you, Remus.” The clock on the nightstand beeped midnight and Sirius pressed his lips together. “We have early practice.”

“We need to talk.”

“We need to sleep.”

“Promise we’ll talk tomorrow, then.” We need to talk right now, actually.

Sirius squeezed his hands and kissed his cheek. His cheek. “I promise.”

Remus didn’t sleep much that night. His cheek burned with the memory of Sirius’ lips.

---------------------------

Their morning routine was stilted and quiet. Practice was awkward, and though neither of them let the previous night’s events influence their performance, he knew the tension was palpable. “Y’all good?” Leo asked under his breath as Remus filled his waterbottle up.

“We’re fine,�� he answered, exhausted.

“Loops—”

“Stay in your lane, Knut.” He regretted the words as soon as they escaped his mouth—the kicked-puppy look on Leo’s face was more than enough to make guilt spike up—but he kept on moving down the hall and tried to wash the bitter taste from his mouth.

The ride home was worlds worse than he could have expected. Sirius turned the radio off the moment it started to play and kept his eyes firmly on the windshield the entire time, tapping his thumb against the wheel in the tic that always appeared when he was nervous. “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry doesn’t help us fix whatever’s going on.” Remus wasn’t angry, per say, but he was really fucking frustrated with Sirius’ sudden inability to communicate. “Talk to me. What happened?”

Sirius chewed the edge of his lip. “I was just thinking.”

There was a long stretch of silence between them. “Wow, thank you for that incredibly helpful information,” Remus said sarcastically when it became clear he wasn’t going to continue.

“You don’t have to be mean about it,” Sirius muttered.

“I’m not trying to be mean—”

“Well, you kind of were—”

“Then maybe you should talk about your problems for once!” Remus snapped before he could shove it back down. Sirius’ jaw clenched. “If we’re going to work through this, then you have to tell me what the hell happened to make you so worried and upset. Do you regret getting married to me?”

The response was immediate. “No.”

“Thank you.” He leaned his head back against the seat rest and closed his eyes. “Thank you, that was what I needed to hear.”

“Do you think we moved too fast?”

Remus scrubbed a hand over his face. “I used to. I don’t, anymore. There’s no rulebook for any of this. How long have you been thinking about that?”

Sirius started tapping the wheel again. “A couple weeks.”

He may as well have opened the passenger door and booted Remus from the car. A breath punched out of his lungs. “A couple weeks?” he whispered. The world was spinning, the floor was open, hell itself was coming to swallow him up. “Why didn’t you say anything?”

“I figured it was normal marriage stuff. That it would pass.”

“Oh my god.”

“I don’t have a clue what I’m doing.”

“And I do?” Remus said incredulously. “News flash: this is the first time I’ve ever been married, too!”

“Please don’t be angry.”

“Being married means you share things, Sirius, not keep them bottled up for two weeks! Especially when they concern the other person!”

Something stormy came over his face. “Oh, really? So when were you planning on talking to me about the fact that you haven’t slept in six days?”

“I literally sleep next to you!”

“You toss and turn all night, and then you get up and run drills for an hour before coming back to bed. Every time I ask how you slept, you lie to my face, Remus. That’s not okay.”

Remus was speechless. He had done everything he could think of to be quiet and careful so Sirius wouldn’t know. “I…”

Sirius glanced over at him, eyebrows raised. “Yeah, I noticed.”

Be an adult. Be an adult. You’re married. Be an adult. “I’m still worried about catching up to the team.”

“I figured. We’ve talked about this before, Re, it’s not safe for you to do that to yourself—”

“You don’t get it!” Sirius pulled into their driveway and turned the car off. “You have no idea how it feels to constantly be catching up to people! I’m fine, it’s not like I’m doing any damage!”

“I’m sorry, did you forget who you’re talking to?”

Remus clenched his teeth and got out of the car, grabbing his duffel from the backseat before slamming the door. He felt a little guilty—the rising memories of hushed confessions of hours of exercise to his father’s whistle meant Sirius understood better than anyone. Then the front door closed behind them both and the indignance on Sirius’ face sent his temper flaring up again. “You never bother to talk to me about anything that’s going on with you, so why should I even try?”

“What happened to ‘marriage is a partnership’?” Sirius followed him into the kitchen. “Have we moved on to the hypocrite stage yet or are we still clearing the air where nothing ever gets solved?”

Remus reeled back like he’d been slapped. “Fucking excuse me?”

“Every time we fight, you start all sarcastic and defensive, and then you get preachy like you’re reading something out of a fucking self-help book!” Sirius ran a hand through his hair. “Christ, Remus, it feels like I’m talking to a therapist instead of my partner!”

“Husband!” The ring on his finger had always been a comfort instead of a lead weight. “You can’t even say it?”

“I don’t regret marrying you!

“Then why are you so upset about us being married young?!”

“Because it’ll fall apart!” Sirius shouted back. “We’re going to be insufferably happy for a while, and then somewhere along the line we’re going to hate each other, and then it’ll be cold looks when we pass and different beds and all our friends will have to pick sides because we can’t stand to be in the same room together!”

“If you’re so sure about that, then why are you trying to fucking hard to keep us together?” Remus’ heart pounded like he’d run a marathon. Hearing his own fears thrown in his face was the most terrifying thing he had ever experienced.

“Because I love you.” Sirius’ voice broke. They were on opposite sides of the kitchen island, but Remus could see the pain on his face. “I love you, and I don’t want some—some impulsive decision to ruin that forever.”

“I love you, too.” Tears clogged the back of Remus’ throat. So stop pushing me away.

“Then I’ll be at Dumo’s.”

Remus nodded silently as Sirius walked past him toward the stairs; the moment he was out of sight, he headed into the downstairs bathroom and sat down with his back to the closed door, burying his face in his forearms. There was a rustle outside, and the front door closed with a click.

It wasn’t until his face itched with drying tears that he remembered Hattie. Guilt and panic stabbed through him and he scrambled back out, sprinting to her bed and then to the backyard. “Hattie?” he called, frantic with worry. “Hattie, c’mere!”

He closed his eyes and thought back to the events of the day. They had left her in the house for practice, and he vaguely remembered hearing her in the other room while they were fighting, and when Sirius left—

“Oh, you bastard,” he said aloud. The rustling of Sirius grabbing his duffel and whatever else he packed had been accompanied by the pattering of Hattie’s paws. “You took our fucking dog.”

Part of him was grateful that at least somebody had remembered their baby. The other part was absolutely furious. He pulled his phone out of his pocket and took a few deep breaths as the tone played. “Hello?”

“Can you pick me up?”

“Re, are you okay?”

“Not really. Can you pick me up?”

Concern dripped from Lily’s voice. “Where are you?”

“At home.”

“…where’s Sirius?”

“At Dumo’s.”

“I’m on my way.”

-----------------------------------

Harry Potter had been alive for less than two years, and he had been cried on by about half the Lions. Finn had started referring to him as ‘therapy baby’, and Remus was inclined to agree—it was hard to feel anything extreme when he was holding the pudgy little angel to his chest.

“So you fought?” Lily asked gently from the armchair across from him. Remus nodded. The whole story had spilled out in a gross mess of sobbing and baby snuggles until he laid down on his back, holding Harry to his chest as he dozed.

“I feel like an idiot,” he said miserably.

“Don’t.”

“It was awful.”

“I bet.”

Remus sniffled and kissed the top of Harry’s head. “Thank you for getting me. I didn’t want to be there alone.”

“I’m glad you called.” She took a sip of tea and gave him a look that he never liked. “Re, can I be honest with you?”

“Always.”

“I was kind of waiting for this to happen.” At his stricken expression, she folded her hands around the sides of her mug. “I don’t think you got married too early, because neither of you do big things like that on impulse and you love each other so much. However, I do think that you have a habit of trying to protect each other from the shit you carry with you. James did the same thing to me, and it sucked.”

“It does suck,” Remus agreed. “I hate the thought that he can’t trust me.”

Lily held her finger up and shook her head. “Nope. It’s not an issue of trust, is it? Why didn’t you tell Sirius that you were having trouble sleeping?”

“Because I didn’t want to worry h—oh.” Harry wiggled around for a moment and Remus adjusted himself so he was leaning on the armrest. “I think I get it now.”

“You guys need to talk about that at some point or it’s going to keep coming up.”

“Is that what you and James did?”

“No, we let it fester for, like, a year and then broke up for two weeks.”

Remus made a sympathetic face. “I forgot about that part. I should call him, huh?”

Lily shrugged. “It’s up to you.”

“I want to apologize,” he said carefully. The sore spot in his heart and chest still twinged. “But I’m still really upset. And hurt. And a little angry? Mostly worried. There’s so much happening, I just want to hold your baby.”

“Go for it, he’s having a blast. Lover?”

There was a shuffling sound from the other room before James appeared in the doorway. “Yes?”

Remus snorted. “Simp.”

“Yes, and? What’s up, darling?”

“Can I have some more tea?” She batted her eyelashes at him with a dimpled smile and he sighed, then took her mug with him into the kitchen.

“You only love me for my kettle!” he called over his shoulder with a grin.

“Maybe!”

Remus turned his head to look at Lily while he ran a hand over Harry’s back. “Lils?”

“Hmm?”

“Am I preachy when I’m upset?”

She frowned. “What?”

“Preachy. Like—like I’m reading out of a self-help book.”

With a heavy sigh, she stood up and walked to the couch, leaning over the armrest to kiss his forehead. “No, Re, you’re not preachy. You like being right, but you’re not preachy.”

“Sirius thinks we’ll end up like his parents.”

“I’m not surprised about that, either.” She brushed his messy hair off his forehead and braided a small strand along the front, then gave it a little tug. “Guest bedroom’s yours for as long as you need it, okay?”

“That might be a while.”

She shook her head and patted his shoulder. “It won’t.”

“Could be.”

“Remus.”

“Sorry. Sleep well, Lils.” He sat up slightly and covered Harry’s ears. “And you, eavesdropper!”

“Love you!” James laughed from the other room. Lily picked the sleepy baby up and ushered Remus into the guest room with a final ‘goodnight’.

-----------------------------------

“Am I an idiot?” Sirius asked.

The bed creaked as Dumo readjusted his legs. “No, mon fils, you’re not an idiot. You are a young man going through his first marriage spat.”

“I hate it. I hate it. I said horrible things to him.”

“It sounds like you’re both to blame.”

“No, I brought it up first.” Dumo huffed, and he let out a slow exhale into the pillow. “Okay, maybe—maybe we were both in the wrong.”

“Fights are rarely one-sided. You have a visitor.”

Something cold prodded Sirius’ ear and he groaned, then curled on his side to let Hattie onto the covers next to him. “Bonjour, sweet girl. Thank you for the cuddles.”

She licked his nose and he smiled, petting the velvety top of her head. “Are you staying here tonight?”

“I was thinking about it. Re’s got the house to himself for a bit, then, and he knows I’m here.”

“I’m glad you’re taking the time to calm down a bit,” Dumo said as he stood with a final ruffle of Sirius’ hair. “That’s a wise decision. Bonne nuit.”

Sirius mumbled a response and made more room for Hattie, then settled in for a restless night. He never wanted to sleep alone again.

----------------------------------

By some miracle, practice was more bearable the second day. Remus still ached somewhere deep inside, but it wasn’t like he had anything else left to suppress. Seeing Sirius was a relief; it surprised him at first, considering the explosive nature of the previous evening, before sliding into something that soothed him. If he could still find peace in Sirius after all that, they would be okay.

He knocked lightly on the side of Sirius’ stall after he returned from the shower. “Knock, knock. Ca—”

“Who’s there?”

Remus’ heart stuttered as Sirius looked up at him from the bench with an apologetic tilt to his mouth. Something clicked into place. “Can I get a ride?”

“ ‘course you can.” Sirius stood up just as Remus stepped forward, and they met in the middle for a tight hug. He tucked his face into the dip of Sirius’ collarbone and breathed in his shower-fresh smell, as well as the trace of laundry detergent from his shirt.

“Love you,” he murmured.

“Let’s go, mon loup.” Sirius pressed a kiss to his hair and they headed out toward the parking lot together; Remus caught Leo’s eye and saw him smile.

“How’s Dumo doing?” Remus asked as they turned out of the parking lot. Start slow, start easy. “Did you drop Hattie off at home before you came to practice?”

“Yeah, I did. He’s good, and Celeste sent me back with some brownies.”

Remus tentatively reached over and rested his hand on the side of Sirius’ thigh—his chest visibly caught before he relaxed into it and reached down to put his own overtop. “Harry’s doing well. Lily says he’s almost started running.”

“Did you go see them?”

“Stayed at their place last night.” He shrugged one shoulder. “It felt weird being there by myself.”

“Re—”

“I’m so sorry.” The words spilled out in a rush, despite his best efforts to keep it in until they reached home. “I’m sorry for everything I said to you, and especially for how I said it. I’m sorry I didn’t talk to you about how I was feeling, too. It should never have gotten to that point.”

“Apology accepted.” Sirius sounded a little choked up. “I don’t think we got married too soon, if that means anything.”

“Of course it means something,” Remus half-laughed as he wiped the dampness from the corners of his eyes. “It means everything.”

“I thought it might be too late.”

“Can you pull over for a second?” Sirius obliged, and as soon as he turned the car off, Remus turned to face him. He linked their hands, making sure Sirius was looking into his eyes. “It is never too late to talk to me, okay? I’m sorry if I ever made you think that it was.”

Sirius unbuckled his seatbelt and leaned over for a brief kiss that sent bubbling warmth throughout Remus’ entire body. “I’m so, so sorry for yelling at you. And for keeping everything in, even though we both promised to stop doing that. All that shit I said, it—it wasn’t true, Re, and I wasn’t thinking.”

Remus rested their foreheads together and wound his fingers in the short curls fanning Sirius’ face. “Honey, we’re not your parents.”

Sirius swallowed hard. “I know.”

“So you don’t have to be afraid that we’re going to hate each other out of the blue, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“If—” His mouth went a little dry and he faltered. “If you want to take a break, or take things slower, I totally respect—”

“Nope, no, no, no,” Sirius interrupted, grabbing his cheeks and pulling him in for another fervent kiss. “I love you. I’m happy with you. I let my head get away from me, and I’m sorry.”

“All’s forgiven, love.” They sat in silence for a minute longer as Sirius traced his jawline. “Let’s go home.”

-------------------------------------

Sirius woke up in bed alone, which would have scared him if he didn’t know exactly where his husband was. He smiled to himself and got out of bed, grabbing a hoodie off their dresser before heading downstairs.

The kitchen light was on and music played quietly from Remus’ phone over the sound of running water. “You’re up late,” he said casually from the doorway.

Remus almost dropped a pot. “Jesus Christ!”

“Just me.” Sirius wrapped his arms around his waist as he set the pot on the drying rack. “Stressed?”

“A little. I forgot to do these earlier and didn’t want to leave them overnight again.” Sirius hummed his agreement and rocked back and forth, then took Remus’ hand and spun him in a slow circle. “Oh, are we slow dancing to the Billboard Top 100 now?”

“Very romantic, I know,” Sirius laughed.

Remus shook his head with a wide grin as they swayed, much too slow for the actual song but absolutely perfect. He was beautiful in the low light of their kitchen, puffy eyes from and all. “You are ridiculous.”

I’m the luckiest person alive. “I love you.”

“I love you, too.”

Sirius leaned down for a series of quick kisses, pulling him in until their chests pressed together. Remus let go of his hand and draped both arms over his shoulders, tangling his hands in his hair. “I know we can’t exactly control it,” Sirius said against his lips. “But let’s never fight like that again.”

“Deal.”

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shades-of-stony · 3 years ago

Text

Time Travel Stony Fanfic

Character from the Future travels to the Past

A Shadow Hanging Over Our Fate by CaptainDean13

Summary: The Avengers get sent back in time to WWII where they run into the Howling Commandos... complete with Bucky and Steve. Little hard to explain that away, especially when you are trying to keep some major secrets. Secrets like how you ended up in the future and why the hell Bucky is now a scary (reformed) assassin with a metal arm, not to mention that you married your friend's son.

Note: A 1000/10 READ. THIS IS SO FREAKIN’ GOOD THAT I READ IT 3 TIMES SINCE I FIRST FOUND IT LAST YEAR. It’s a nice and well written time travel fic with the howling commandos and past Steve and Bucky!!

A New Way For Us by ann2who

Summary: They fight Thanos—and they’re losing. And before Tony knows what’s happening, he’s standing with Doctor Strange in front of the Eye of Agamotto and gets send back in time. Can he find a way to fix things this time around, or are they doomed to fall apart all over again?

Note: This is where Tony went back in time to fix everything that went wrong and prepare for the arrival of Thanos! Due to an unexpected twist of fate, he found himself getting closer to Steve of all people!

Two More Miracles (To Be A Saint) by queenpenthesilea

Summary: “Get up, Stark, you sleep too much. You said you would teach me paper football.”

Tony’s eyes snapped open. No. No. Had it all been a dream? Had he just imagined five years – five years - of an idyllic life, complete with a beautiful, wonderful daughter? He pushed himself up, looking around; he was on the Milano – he was on the fucking Milano, and either this was a really weird version of hell or everything had been a dream. Or, a little voice whispered, something had gone horribly, horribly wrong with the infinity stones.

Note: A nice and juicy post-Endgame Time Travel fanfic!! Though, this one held a few what ifs.

Saving the World is a 12 Step Program by janonny

Summary: Tony and Steve fall to pieces when Thanos’ wins.

Then they pick themselves up, and find a solution. They also find something infinitely more precious in the process.

“It’s going to sound pretty outrageous,” Tony admitted, rubbing a hand over his brow. While he had put on some weight and wasn’t as gaunt anymore, he was still easily tired nowadays.

“More outrageous than talking racoons and a purple villain traveling through space to collect magic stones?” Steve asked drily.

Note: This is another post-Endgame fanfic but with a twist and different take on the whole time travel!

Oh, Snap by wedelia

Summary: Peter wakes up, and he’s simultaneously five years too early and right on time.

Or, Post-Endgame Peter goes back in time and accidentally-on-purpose gets Steve and Tony together before the initial snap happens. And, oh, yeah—he also recruits a former-Air-Force-pilot-turned-galactic-hero, has lunch with Black Widow, and somehow befriends Nick Fury. This changes things.

Note: It’s Peter who time travels this time around!!

If We Never Got This Second Chance by Pookaseraph

Summary: When Tony and Steve’s son from the future, Jake Jensen, arrives at Avenger’s Tower, the two of them are forced to confront some hard truths: Tony that he might not actually become a horrible father, and Steve that he might not be able to set aside his discomfort with sharing a child with another man. When they both get a second chance at a first try at fatherhood, it’s up to the two of them to learn from their own future's past.

Note: Anyone up for some future son time travel? Enjoy this nicely written fanfic of Stony’s future son traveling and meeting the past versions of his parents! Past versions that are not even together yet! Things are about to get weird for Steve and Tony.

Your Name on Every Wall by Sineala

Summary: The Time Gem throws Steve into the past rather than the future, and in doing so, it gives him the opportunity to undo his past mistakes. But when it turns out that all of his mistakes involve Tony Stark, Steve begins to wonder if he's ever going to be able to mend things between them.

Note: A unique plot where Steve travels to the future and realizes what he is missing on!

Together, At Dawn by RoseGoldAmpersand

Summary: Steve returns the Infinity Stones to New York and finds himself in conversation with Tony of the past. More mature and willing to listen to Tony he realises that what he previously thought were taunts was actually Tony flirting with him.

In light of this new discovery and alone in Tony’s workshop after the battle of New York, one thing leads to another...

Note: ohhhhh, some juicy smut anyone?

Don't Look Back, You Can Never Look Back. by iL0Vsuperman

Summary: Tony Stark: billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, and, now, superhero.

It’d only been a few months prior that he’d revealed to the world he was Iron Man and life couldn’t be better.

That is…until he stumbled upon an old abandoned Hydra lab and kinda set off one of their machines by accident. A blast of blue light later and he found himself in the same lab…only it is seventy years earlier and it is full of Hydra agents.

Cue the entrance of the Howling Commandos led by Tony’s childhood hero, Captain America.

Suddenly, Tony is living out a dream. He’s joining up with the Commandos in the search to get Tony back to his right era. It’s the adventure of a lifetime and, at first, it’s amazing…but then he and Steve connect in ways more than just friendship and he finds that he is torn between wanting to stay with him or go back home.

In the end, whatever the result, he loses.

Note: Tony meets his childhood heroes-the Howling Commandos and Captain America!

The Future is Yet in Your Power by FestiveFerret

Summary: "Now." Wong leaned back in his chair. "What would you do to save this world from Thanos' attack? What would you sacrifice?"

"Anything," Steve said. "Anything at all."

Wong considered him for a moment, expression unreadable. "There's one thing, maybe."

Note: This is nice fanfic about Steve putting everything on the line to hopefully make a change.

The Good or Bad Thing by petreparkour for SeetheSea

summary: “It’s the metal suit,” Thor informed Steve, his normally-booming voice tinny over the SHIELD comms. “What did Stark call it—Iron Man?”

“But he’s down here,” Steve protested as the Hulk roared in Stark’s face, startling him into waking with a shout. “How could—”“It’s damaged,” Thor reported. “But it looks different. More advanced. And he—ah. He’s carrying you, Captain.”

“Please tell me nobody kissed me,” Stark breathed out, and then Stark’s voice suddenly came over the comms, but the man lying next to him hadn’t moved.“

Guys, come on, you’re killing me here. What is it, 2012? God, I hate time travel. First, I'm fighting Thanos. Now, I have to deal with my past self and Thor's bad haircut? Oh my God, Cap, yes I hacked their comms, they’re my comms.”

Steve nearly opened his mouth to protest that he hadn’t said anything when he realized that this replica of Tony Stark wasn’t speaking to him.

Note: Future Tony and Steve accidentally traveling in the past!

Character from the Past travels to the Future

hold the things you wanna say by SailorChibi

Summary: Tony is still a consultant, and between SI, the team and SHIELD he's overworked and exhausted. That's okay.

He and Steve have been having sex for weeks but that's all it is, just sex, and Tony wants more but he'll never get it and that's okay. Really.

What's not okay is the fact that Howard Stark has somehow appeared in the future and is the same as always.

This is definitely going to fuck up his schedule.

Note: ANGST! READY YOUR TISSUES.

Twice Upon a Time by TsaritsaElena

Summary: Tony Stark has never had an easy relationship with his father, but when Howard Stark circa 1983 time travels to the future in a freak accident, things get even more complicated, especially since Tony is dating his dad’s idol, Captain America, and Howard doesn’t know. As they work toward a solution that will restore Howard to his own timeline, will Tony get a second chance at a father-son relationship with his dad, or is he in for more of the same unforgiving treatment from Howard? Time travel, Avengers missions, and a secret project of Howard’s: things at Stark Tower are about to get a little crazy.

Note: SOME MORE ANGST AND HOWARD TRAVELLING TO THE FUTURE.

The Future Is Ours (Whether We Want It Or Not) by ann2who

Summary: After a hit from the Time Stone, Steve switches places with his future self.

Note: Another of Steve traveling to the future! Though this time, it features both timeline! Both POV of the past and future!

Ordinary Men by RiaRose

Summary: "Aren't you at all happy to see me?" Howard shot back, holding his glass out and pointing with his index finger. At Steve's stony face, he dropped his arm. "Want a glass?" he tried, picking up an empty tumbler, "This is good stuff."

"Tony doesn't skimp on - well - anything. And no, thank you."

"Was that Tony?" he queried, gesturing toward the hallway the other man had disappeared down. Steve nodded but didn't give any more information, so Howard repeated his earlier question, "Aren't you happy to see me?"

It took Steve a moment to answer. Howard could see his jaw working.

"No, not anymore."

In which Howard travels to the future and just messes up everybody's day, Steve is conflicted, and Tony is a piping hot mess, as per usual. It's not going to be easy, but Steve and Tony have to somehow navigate through Howard's arrival and the strain it puts on their relationship.

Note: From the summary alone, you can tell that THIS WILL BE ANGSTY.

To Have My Time Again... by WilmaKins

Summary: It's been two years since Siberia, and Tony Stark is still dealing with the fallout - personal and political. Life is quite complicated enough, without Bruce falling through a wizards roof yelling that Thanos is coming.

Thor and Loki are stalling, but time is running out. The fate of the universe is at stake. Steve Rogers is back in the picture. Really, the last thing Tony needs is for their plan to go horribly wrong and bring Howard Stark forward in time.

But his Dad *is* standing in his office, whether he likes it or not.

So, it looks like Tony will have to fix that mess too.

Note: There is just something about Howard-travels-to-the-future fanfics.

Howard Stark Meets The Avengers by SerlinaBlack

Summary: Howard Stark unknowingly travels to the future with his son and wife. Luckily the heroes of the future were somewhat ready for it. Unluckily , they don't seem to like him very much

Alternative summery: when will Howard learn? Not now lmao.

Note: ANOTHER ONE.

#stony #stony fanfiction #stony fanfic #stony fic #stony fic rec #stevetony #stevetony fic rec #steve and tony #steve and tony fic #superhusbands #stevetony fanfic

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butwhatifidothis · 3 years ago

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I did it! Finally fucking did it! I 100% the support log for 3H….Holy shit, that took longer than I was expecting, lol.

(Long rant, so heads up.)

I came in thinking “Oh they finally time-locked the supports, so I don’t have to have the damn cursor mocking me every time I open the menu like in Awakening and Fates, hurr hurr”. No no no no no. At least for Awakening and Fates, it was on my dumb ass for pressing the S-support and saving when I knew I shouldn’t. First off, if they wanted us to regain supports for Byleth in NG+, why the heck are supports for characters like Edelgard, Rhea, Dorothea and Lindhart locked? I don’t mean time-locked like the post-TS supports in a regular playthrough, I mean deadass “you can’t buy this, period” locked. “Oh it’s because you haven’t advanced that far in the story yet”. I can buy post-TS supports for the other characters, what makes El and Rhea exceptions?! The only thing that would be lost is that I don’t have to replay their entire route to get their S-support twice. It’s not like there’s enough differences between Bylad and Bylass to warrant the supports being locked, none of the characters specify a specific gender in their dialogue, and as far as different models go, changing models during a cutscene is coded into the game, so that should be no issue.

After going through the monastery option enough times, the hubworld is in this weird limbo state where it feels like it was made specifically for Byleth’s benefit (faculty training, recruiting party members, etc,) but the rest of the party seems to benefit from it instead (Instructions, Motivation points, etc). The Explore vs Battle options just don’t mix well, which feels like poor design choice. You can focus on auxiliary battles to raise your party’s level, but at the cost of potentially missing out on more party members. You can instead focus on the monastery to recruit party members, but at the cost of Byleth falling behind due to splitting activity points between recruiting and faculty training, and being in the monastery means less time grinding for levels. This isn’t as much of a problem in NG+, but if a game needs NG+ to lessen a design problem, then that’s more of a sign to me that the idea itself needed more ironing out.

As far as using the monastery to raise support points goes, the hubworld definitely needs a revamp. The only (good) options available are Meal Time and Choir Practice, with the latter being limited to once per week and the former making me think that the monastery must eat their own weapons to survive due to how fucking scarce food ingredients are. Getting meat and fish isn’t too big of an issue so long as you have enough money, but produce might as well be an urban legend. There were too many times where I had 60+ fish/meat, but produce was at fucking 1. I get that they wanted to be “realistic” in having seeds grow once per week, but if it’s at the cost of a gameplay element being nigh unplayable, then some more thought needs to be put into it. Sothis is a goddess of life and time, maybe her powers allow Byleth to make plants grow faster. Just something to make this section actually playable.

The final thing I wanted to talk about when it comes to the monastery is that, for some baffling reason, it is entirely possible to lock yourself out of key events like S-supports or being able to choose CF, simply by skipping to the end of the month. I’m not sure why this is a thing. It’s not like the game was designed with speedruns in mind (I mean, it is possible to beat a route in an hour, but fuck me if I ever succeeded in that), and nothing happens like a prompt popping up that you have to explore the monastery during that month or even limiting your options to just Explore (which the game has done before). This is especially weird for the quest in getting Jeralt’s ring (how to access S-supports), since Byleth is supposed to be sad in this month, so not being able to do seminars or Byleth being undeployable during auxiliary battles would make sense.

The option to choose CF is even worse though, because at least for Jeralt’s ring it’s a Red Quest that doesn’t allow you to finish exploring unless you complete it. For Edelgard, however? A dime-a-dozen quest prompt you can entirely look over and skip. No prompt by the game, no indication to talk to Edelgard, nothing. FFS, Rhea’s tea time quest was given more thought. At least her quest marker is a unique color.

(End of rant…sort of)

…So anyways, that was my experience with the game, lmao. Now you or someone else may be thinking, “nonnie, if you had this many problems completing the game, why did you bother?”, and the answer to that good question is…I’m not completely sure, lol. I know there’s more than one reason why, so bear with me here. I know part of it is due to sunk-cost fallacy (“I’m already this far into the game, I might as well fully complete it”), but I think a bigger reason is because I knew ahead of time that the routes were so similar to each other that there was little point in having a route split to begin with (except for CF, but who gives a fuck about that?). Despite all of my bitching, I do really like 3H even if I admit that it’s my least favorite FE game that I’ve played so far. I guess a part of me just wanted to like the game more despite my issues with it.

Now that I think about it, maybe the main reason was for fear of future mainline games. People are fear to like whatever part of a game that they wish, but I do think that 3H introduced some fundamental storytelling flaws that I’d rather not see repeated in the future, with me focusing on 3 in particular: 1) The Monastery, 2) Route Splits and 3) Byleth.

Aside from what I already talked about in regards to the monastery, if we are going to get another hubworld in the new FE title, have it to where it doesn’t conflict with how the rest of the story is presented. Is it better to simply tell us that the Western Church is xenophobic in an easily skippable side quest early on, or is it better to show us? Enemy Western Church NPCs going after foreign party members like Dedue or Petra more aggressively and calling them “animals” or the like, the map having Duscari NPCs locking themselves indoors for fear that the Western Church will persecute them, things of that nature. Is it better to tell us that there has been civil unrest in the Empire and the citizens revolting against Edelgard, or is it better to show us? Enemy Adrestian Civilian NPCs, assassins specifically going after Edelgard in a map, maybe one where a large farmland has been stripped bare. Things like that.

I’d rather do away with the Persona-calendar/Monastery hubworld, but if they are here to stay then they need enough content in it to keep the player engaged for 20-odd chapters, because there isn’t enough content in Garreg Mach to even hold up 12 chapters. Speaking of more content, if there’s going to be another route split in the next title, then there needs to be enough differences in the routes that actually warrants having a route split. Fates already did this well in having the route split be early in the game, along with the plot and story maps of each route being different, you could even skip to the route split moment on subsequent playthroughs, so 3H’s approach in having to play the same 12 chapters 3-4 times just felt like a massive downgrade. Playing multiple routes should feel rewarding rather than tedious, is what I’m trying to say.

Finally, and most importantly, I know that no one at IS is reading this but on the off chance that someone is - please, for the love of God, do not make another blank-slate/self insert main character like Byleth. Or at the very least, don’t have them be the focal point of the story, it’s a big reason why AM just works better than the other routes. For a game like FE, “self-insert” and “protagonist” goes as well as oil and water. Now, out of those three flaws listed, the Byleth one is what I’m hard set on. The monastery and route split flaws, my opinion might be flexible within reason, but the Byleth one…not so much, lol. If we really do get another self-insert doll for a main character, that alone is going to make the next game a hard sell for me, because seeing all the praise Byleth got (and has been getting) makes me fear that IS is going to take the wrong lesson from this and think they don’t have to put effort in making their protagonist anything resembling an actual person and their audience will still lap it up. It would be one thing if I just hated the character, but I don’t. I’m disappointed, which is even worse.

…With that said, it’s still better than whatever the heck Cap’n’Crunch is doing. Okay, rant over. For real this time.

—

I agree with a lot said here! But I do have a few disagreements, though they’re mostly my opinion than anything else lol

And this first one is probably like, extremely unpopular given how much shit I’ve seen flung at this aspect of 3H, but like… I actually really like the Monastery? Like yes, absolutely, it should have done more to not shelter the player from how bad the war is and it should change more with the world instead of being in this mostly limbo state where apparently seasons don’t real. I definitely also have those complaints, but to me, the Monastery was fine for the most part. A lot of the issues you brought up, like supports and Faculty Training and supplies for eating, weren’t a problem for me almost at all. My only real gripe is with how hard it is for Byleth to get training in Flying, Mounted and especially Heavy Armor without NG+ unlocking weapons ranks, since they don’t have access to Weekly Chores. I do believe I still managed to recruit everyone while only unlocking C in Faith on my Maddening playthrough of GD, but it certainly wasn’t easy. But I feel a lot of the problem people have with it are on subsequent playthroughs where they’re trying to do things like 100% any aspect of 3H, which yeah is gonna exacerbate the issues tenfold. Cuz like, while those three weapons ranks I mentioned are hard for Byleth to raise, on Normal mode you have unlimited auxiliary battles to help with all the other ones.

Like, I wanted to get Claude’s Dex to the max amount right? Just cuz I felt like it. And in doing that I found out just how tedious it is to get levels once a unit gets to a certain point, just cuz while Normal Mode gives you the Retreat option that lets you keep exp so you can drop a unit down on a yellow spot and get a decent boost in exp… you can do that like, twice or thrice on a story chapter. Once if it’s auxiliary (and not the freebie one). And that’s if you even have internet. And using the greenhouse to get Ailiell Pomegranates was a pain because they weren’t really guaranteed even if I used nothing but the right seed - doing that is more consistent, but not always, and I usually only got one anyway. It was annoying! But I was also doing a specific thing that’s gonna heighten the flaws in the system that I never would have noticed - didn’t even notice - unless I did that. The flaws are still there, don’t get me wrong! The Monastery definitely still needs improvement, battles still need to be a little more streamlined for future playthrough, but the flaws can seem a bit bigger than they are once you do certain things outside of a casual playthrough, know what I mean?

But, for example, when replaying 3H on hard mode and looking to recruit everyone after my no recruitment run, I didn’t come across any dilemma over “recruitment or Byleth being good, pick one.” That was the run my Byleth was usable, in fact - my first blind run that was no recruitment (save for Shamir) had my Byleth be pretty much completely useless while literally everyone else was fine. Also never came across problems with supplies for cooking (or at least not any big enough to comment on). So like, while these (and the above stuff) can certainly be problems for players trying to do everything everything in 3H, at least from my experience I just haven’t come across them. The monastery itself definitely needed a better story implementation, but yeah. I could’ve just been lucky tho lmao

I don’t mind how they implemented trying to get on CF at all tho lol. If you’ve been playing the game like it suggests you do - supporting characters and exploring the monastery there’s no reason for players to have missed getting on CF. If players wanted to ignore one of the biggest aspects of the game I don’t really feel that bad for them when they miss out on very achievable things. Plus, CF’s requirements are nothing in terms of FE’s madness when it comes to getting on a route. It may be more specific than any other route, but like I said, playing the game as the game tells you to would naturally land you in it (the only thing that might be a bit unfair is that I think if you talk with Edelgard at all that month you have to decide right then and there, and then the whole month is lost. Kinda ass).

Binding Blade, for example, requires you to do specific things that few first time players would think to do in multiple, random chapters in order for you to get the best ending. With absolutely no warning as to when these chapters happen and what to do in them. And some of these requirements are not fun lmao, I’d prefer how they did it with CF than with how they’ve handled ~secret~ stuff before personally

Pretty much agree with everything else though! While 3H is actually one of my more favored games in the series, I’ll be the first to admit that its storytelling is in dire need of improvement. Having the story and lore of the game just be spat out in lore dumps and this or that NPC just isn’t that good. Or if they are going to do that, at the very least give some visuals to go along with it! Imagine how much impactful Rhea’s story would have been if it was in a visual format, like CGs and/or a cutscene. It still would be an info dump, but at least we can see for ourselves how horrific the Red Canyon was for her! And I do not want another avatar in whatever next mainline game we get, personality or not. We’ve evolved past the need for self-inserts that all the characters Just Like lmao

But thanks for sharing your thoughts!! And sorry that it took so long for me to get to answering ;w;

#submission #anon #exqueuese me princess #but hey I found the og submission at least!! for some reason it got thrown in like the middle of my drafts?? weird lmao #but yeah overall I do think 3H could've done with some refinement for later more intensive playthroughs #and on the other hand I get why they didn't immediately think of them if that makes sense #also lol yeah the base game is infinitely more fun that whatever Cap'n'n doin' lmao

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marjansmarwani · 4 years ago

Text

The Boss’s Son (Part 4)

A 911: Lone Star Role Reversal AU

[Read on Ao3]

[Part 1] [Part 2] [Part 3]

Firefighter Carlos Reyes and Officer TK Strand’s secret relationship is out in the open now, thrust into the spotlight when TK was shot.

They’ve taken their time to regroup and heal, growing closer all the while. Now the recovery period is over things are going back to normal and they’re learning that there is no such thing as business as usual anymore. This experience has changed both of them, and now they have to find a way to live in this new reality. Thankfully they have each other, and that is the one thing they know for sure.

---

Tarlos Week Day 7: Writer's Choice

Finally finished Day 7 of @tarlosweek2020 just in time! If you haven’t read the rest of this AU requested by @buttercupstrand that I started back in May and thought I was done with (I was wrong). Essentially, Carlos is a firefighter at the 126, TK is a cop with APD, they meet and hook up not knowing Carlos works for TK’s dad and then things happen from there. The first three chapters follow season 1 fairly closely, but this new one concerns events after the end of the season.

Should I maybe not have written a 10k extra chapter to an AU for an event? Probably, but I did so here you go. It has been a pleasure writing for this week and seeing and reading what everyone else has put out. I am once again in awe of this fandom. I sincerely hope you have all enjoyed my works this week and that you enjoy this one!)

------

TK tucked his shirt in neatly, before moving his hands to do up the last two buttons of his uniform shirt. If still fit just as well as it always had, but it felt foreign now; unfamiliar. It felt like a remnant of a different lifetime and in a way, it was.

It had been over a month since that night and that call; a month since TK had kicked open a door and been shot by an 8-year-old. He could still feel the ghost of the bandage on his collarbone, could still feel the phantom pull of the stitches. He noticed that his hands trembled over the last button and he let it go, forcing them back to his sides, willing them to stay steady.

He was fine, really. It was just desk duty. He wouldn’t be allowed back into the field until he had been fully cleared by a doctor and department psychologist. He could handle this.

The most ironic part, he thought to himself as he examined himself in the mirror, studying his uniform for imperfections, was that before this he never would have thought for a moment that he might have even a moment’s hesitation about jumping back into the field. He became a cop to help people, and he didn’t see how he could do that from a desk. (There was also the mountains of paperwork to consider, but that was another matter altogether.) He had never been a very sedentary person - his father had often joked that he hadn’t seen him hold still since the moment he was born and one time he had the flu when he was 8. He had never thought that given the chance there would be any hesitation, any doubt in his mind that jumping back into the action was the right thing - the only thing.

Now in the after, he was filled with hesitation. It wasn’t fear per se; and it had nothing to do with the actual pain and injury. It had everything to do with the people he loved and the hurt he had seen in them when he almost didn’t pull through. TK had always known the risks of his job, had always known there was a chance that something could happen to him. But until he had seen it, until he had known the effect that it had on the people he cared about most, he had never truly appreciated it. He didn’t want to put any of them through that ever again.

A voice from the doorway interrupted his reverie, “still fits, huh?”

He turned to find Carlos, also ready for work in his AFD uniform, sipping a cup of coffee as he leaned on the doorframe.

“Like a glove,” he responded glibly. Carlos set his mug down on the shelf by the door and crossed the room so he was standing in front of TK. He studied him closely before reaching out a gentle hand to straighten his badge. TK watched as he trailed his fingers up from the badge to his collar, pausing almost imperceptibly in the spot where just weeks before a bullet had ripped through his flesh and almost ended it all. Neither of them said a word as Carlos pulled himself back to the present and continued his journey up to TK’s collar, straightening it with a gentle tug.

“It’s just desk duty, Carlos,” TK said into the silence, “it’ll be fine.”

Carlos blinked and seemed to come back to himself, “Of course it will be.” But the smile he gave TK didn’t reach his eyes. TK reached down to find Carlos’s hand, still resting on his collar, and covered it with his own. “It’ll be fine,” he repeated using his other hand to softly lift Carlos’s chin so he could look him in the eyes, “I promise.”

Carlos nodded again and this time his smile seemed more genuine. “Now that I believe in.”

TK returned the smile and leaned forward, capturing Carlos in a kiss. Carlos leaned into it and TK reached down to snake his arms around the other man’s waist, pulling him closer. He deepened the kiss, but Carlos pulled away, causing TK to let out a disgruntled sound.

Carlos chuckled, “Sorry babe,” he said as he pressed a light kiss to TK’s forehead, “as much as I would love to keep going with this, we both have to work this morning. Personally, I don’t think your dad would find this an acceptable reason to be late and am sure Mya will be waiting not very patiently for you at the precinct.

“Spoilsport,” TK complained with a pout. Carlos chuckled again as he leaned forward to speak into TK’s ear. “Besides,” he began, voice low, “it would be a shame to wrinkle that uniform before you go to work. We can save that for later.”

Then he pulled away, walking back towards the door to pick up his abandoned mug and exited the room.

TK stood rooted to the spot, still standing in front of the mirror, dumbfounded. It was several moments before he was able to get words out.

“You’re a menace, Carlos Reyes.”

----------

“How’s Lover Boy’s first day back in the saddle?”

Carlos looked up from his phone to find Judd staring at him with raised eyebrows. “Must you call him that?” he asked drily.

“Since you knew exactly who I was talking about, yes, I think I do.”

Carlos rolled his eyes before returning his gaze to his phone. He could feel Judd’s gaze still on him. He ignored it for several long moments but when he realized the older man had no intention of stopping he sighed and looked up again, “I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “He hasn’t sent me more than a mention that Mya says hi all morning and I don’t want to bombard him so I’m just...waiting.”

“You’re not very good at waiting,” Judd noted.

Carlos shook his head ruefully, “Don’t I know it. I mean,” he continued, “it’ll be fine. I have nothing to worry about. It’s desk duty. He’s fine. It’ll be fine.”

“You know if I were to hazard a guess, I might say that you don’t believe a word you’re saying.”

“I don’t know,” Carlos replied wearily, “I just...I don’t know.”

Judd nodded sagely, “Glad we cleared that up,” he noted as he took a sip of coffee.

Carlos was debating whether he needed to dignify that with a response or if a rude hand gesture would suffice when Paul entered the kitchen. “How’s TK’s first day back going?” he asked Carlos as he reached for a mug.

“He doesn’t know,” Judd answered helpfully.

Paul paused and looked frowned over his shoulder at Carlos, “How do you not know?”

“TK hasn’t said much and he doesn’t want to keep texting him so he’s just waiting.”

Paul nodded solemnly, “He’s not good at waiting.”

“Do I even need to be here for this conversation to happen, or are you two good on your own?” Carlos snapped.

Both Paul and Judd gave him pointed looks, “Someone’s feisty today,” Judd noted as he took another sip of his coffee.

Carlos groaned, but forced himself to take a deep breath and put his head in his hands. After a few moments, he looked up again. “I’m sorry guys,” he said somewhat sheepishly, “I really didn’t mean to snap at you. I’m just…”

“Concerned?” offered Judd.

“Worried?” Paul suggested.

Carlos nodded in agreement, “and I don’t really want to say anything to him about it because he looked a little freaked out himself when he was getting ready this morning. He doesn’t need my worries on his mind too.”

“I hate to break it to you man, but he probably already knows,” Paul informed him.

Judd nodded his agreement, “You don’t exactly have the best poker face brother, especially not when it comes to your man.”

Carlos ran a weary hand through his hair. “You’re probably right, but I wish he didn’t know. I wish I were better at hiding it. He has so much on his plate, he doesn’t need my irrational fear too.”

“I don’t know if I’d call it irrational,” Paul responded reasonably, “especially considering recent events.”

Carlos turned to him with a raised eyebrow, “So it’s normal to be worried about my boyfriend the cop getting murdered at his own desk in the middle of a police precinct in broad daylight?”

“No, I think that might cross into irrational territory,” Paul allowed.

“Good to know I’ve got that going for me,” Carlos responded drily.

He could see Judd and Paul exchanging looks, but they were saved the trouble of having to respond to his neurosis by the alarm. They set down their coffee cups in tandem and jogged over to the engine bay.

“It’s going to be okay man,” Paul assured him softly as they climbed onto the rig. Carlos gave him a tight smile in response but while he appreciated his friend’s effort, he just couldn’t move past this. Not yet.

-----------------

TK entered the bullpen to applause. He was so taken aback that he froze, trapped in the entrance like a deer in the headlights. When the familiar faces of his colleagues registered he felt himself relax and smile. He held up a placating hand as he crossed to his desk, smiling at his coworkers and receiving more than one affectionate pat on the shoulder.

He paused again when he reached his desk, or where he had at least thought his desk was. What stood in front of him now seemed more like the inside of a recycling bin on Christmas morning than any desk he had ever seen. Wrapping paper and bows covered almost every inch, save for about 8 inches on the front where a sign declaring “Welcome back Strand!” was visible. He raised a bemused eyebrow at his desk before turning his gaze the desk beside his own where Mya sat, looking like the cat that ate the canary.

“Your doing, I assume?”

“Why would you say that?”

“Oh I don’t know,” he said mildly, setting his coffee cup down on a corner that was relatively level, “it has a certain kind of flair that reminds me of you.”

She chuckled, “I would be flattered, but the Lieutenant's kids were here last night and they helped. They may have gotten a little carried away,” she added with a ‘what are you going to do?’ kind of shrug.

TK laughed appreciatively, “remind me to thank her later.”

He located his chair between some particularly ambitious bows and pulled it out before taking a seat. Mya joined him, perching herself on the corner of his desk. She studied him intently. “How are you feeling?” she asked.

TK rolled his eyes, “You literally saw me two days ago Mya - I’m fine. I was fine then and I am fine now. It’s fine.”

She peered at him suspiciously. “What?” he asked defensively.

“Just wondering if maybe you were a little too quick to say how fine you are.”

“Why would I lie Mya? I’m…”

“Fine?” she suggested.

“Yes,” he agreed firmly, “completely, totally, 100% fine.”

She was still looking at him with a doubtful expression, so he changed the topic in self-defense: “Don’t you have a partner you’re supposed to be patrolling with?”

“Temporary partner,” Mya reminded him, “only until you’re back in the field. And that better be soon - I don’t know how much more I can take of Thad.”

“His name isn’t really Thad, is it?”

Mya nodded solemnly, “While you’ve been out recovering I have been stuck with the latest rookie - Thaddeus Sterling, the third.”

“You’re making that up,” TK accused.

“I am not. I wish I was.”

“There are two more Thaddeus Sterling’s in the world?”

“It’s a ‘family name,’ apparently.”

“Ouch.”

Mya rolled her eyes, “I’d feel worse for him if he wasn’t such a dense pretty boy.”

TK raised a skeptical eyebrow, “that bad?”

“The man has been flirting with me for three straight weeks, TK. He does not understand the concept of a lesbian and the fact that I have zero interest in dating anyone of the male persuasion, let alone him. Not to mention that his entire personality revolves entirely around the fraternity he was in at UT. If I have to hear anymore about the Longhorn’s defensive game this year, I cannot be held responsible for my actions.”

TK winced sympathetically, “I’m sorry. Is there anything I can do?”

“Just get better so you can be my partner again,” Mya said with an exasperated sigh, “I can handle him, I just don’t know for how much longer.”

Any response TK could have made was cut off when a young guy with artfully spiked hair appeared at the side of his desk. “Ready to ride Esquilin?” he asked Mya, before sparing a glance at TK. Somewhere between the wrapping paper explosion that was his desk and his proximity to Mya, something seemed to click for him. “Oh hey,” he exclaimed, turning to face TK, “You must be Strand, right? The one who got shot!”

“Yep, that’s me,” TK confirmed.

“That’s intense,” the kid - Thaddeus Sterling III, TK assumed - observed. “But hey, you gotta have a cool scar now, right? I bet the chicks dig it!”

“I wouldn’t know,” TK responded drily, ignoring Mya’s dramatic eye-roll from behind Thad’s shoulder. Thad, for his part, simply looked puzzled. TK wondered if he should elaborate, but was saved the trouble by Mya slipping off his desk with a sigh, “Let’s get moving Sterling, we have work to do. And I am not ready to ride, I am ready to drive. Don’t think you’re going to pull a fast one on me.”

As Thad walked away Mya paused to glare down at TK, “You better get well soon.”

“You know, most people don’t make well wishes sound like a threat.”

Mya gave a significant look at Thad’s back before turning her expression back to TK with raised brows. He held up his hands in surrender, “Fine, I get it. I’ll do my best.”

“That’s all I ask.”

“Remember, murdering your partner is bad!” TK called to her retreating back. Her only response was a rude hand gesture thrown over her shoulder.

TK chuckled and shook his head fondly. It was nice to be back. He didn’t know what he was so worried about. It would be fine, really.

He was so lost in thought that the slamming of a desk drawer at a nearby desk startled him back to reality. It caused him to jump and sent his heart racing. He peered around the bullpen only to see that no one else had reacted: to the slamming drawer or his reaction. He closed his eyes and took several deep, measured breaths.

He was fine, really.

---------------------

The ladder truck arrived at the scene of a multi-vehicle accident and the crew piled out, each taking in the scene with a practiced eye. There were some scenes that you pulled up to and knew instinctively that they were going to be bad. Full of pain and suffering and images that would haunt you for days or weeks to come.

This wasn’t one of them.

Sure there was an alarming amount of vehicles involved but the atmosphere radiated annoyance and anger, not fear and despair. A quick survey didn’t reveal anything beyond a minor injury - Carlos hoped that maybe that could hold true.

They split up and waded into the crowd and cars, checking in with each person, searching for anyone trapped or seriously injured. Thankfully the initial assessment proved correct and there were none. The scene still needed to be cleared and injuries needed to be looked at, but there was no immediate threat staring them down. They all got to work and Carlos found himself helping Michelle and her team with basic first aid until a familiar voice called his name.

He turned to see Mya, a younger guy with very deliberately styled hair at her shoulder. He grinned at her as the woman he had just finished with jumped off the gurney serving as his exam table. “Hey Mya, how’s it going?”

She raised an eyebrow as she drew closer, “My day is fine, but that’s not what you're asking, is it?”

He gave her a sheepish grin and she rolled her eyes but answered his unasked question: “He seems fine. He says he’s fine.”

“What do you think?”

She shrugged, “Too soon to tell, but I don’t see any reason not to believe him. If he says he’s fine, then he probably is.”

The younger guy pulled level with them and looked between them suggestively, “Someone you need to introduce me to, Partner?”

Carlos’s eyebrows rose as Mya heaved an exasperated sigh, “Carlos, this is Thad - my temporary partner. Thad, this is Carlos - TK’s boyfriend.”

Thad looked puzzled and Mya rolled her eyes at him, “You know, TK. My regular partner: has been out on medical leave, you met him this morning?”

“Yeah, I remember,” he said “I just thought that you two…” he trailed off suggestively and Mya took a deep, measured breath.

“No, we are not. I don’t like men, remember? We’ve been over this like, 5 times.”

“Huh,” was all he said and seemed to be seriously considering this information. Mya gave Carlos an exasperated look and gave Thad a nudge. “Go find something to help with,” she instructed with a gesture towards the accident scene, “I’ll be along in a moment.”

He obliged with a parting wave to Carlos and they watched him leave before Carlos spoke, “he seems like fun.”

“Oh yeah, a barrel of laughs,” Mya deadpanned.

“His name isn’t really Thad, is it?”

“Thaddeus Sterling III.”

“You’re making that up.”

Mya rolled her eyes, “I swear you two are the same person, it’s ridiculous.”

Carlos frowned at her, “Me and Thaddeus?”

She swatted at him, “No! You and TK. I had the exact same conversation with him this morning. You two are so alike sometimes it’s scary.”

Carlos laughed appreciatively before the mention of TK’s return to work reminded him of his concerns. “You really think he’s okay?” he asked Mya again.

She shrugged, “He seems to be. Only time will really tell, but right now he seems fine. Almost like nothing happened.”

Mya’s name was called and they both looked over towards the accident scene to see Thad waving his hands in the air and looking far too pleased with himself. Mya sighed again, “I better go see what he wants. Hopefully, he didn’t break anything this time. The faster TK is back in the field the better; I don’t know how much more of this I can take.” she flicked her gaze back to Carlos, “Catch up with you later?”

He nodded and gave her a smile that she returned before striding off to find Thad. The moment she was gone Carlos let the smile slip. He knew Mya would never put TK at risk and would never push him to do anything before he was ready, but their conversation had filled him with dread.

He shook it off and pulled himself up straighter. He had a job to do now - he could go back to worrying about his boyfriend later.

------------------

“Please, take a seat, Officer Strand.”

TK sank into the chair indicated and watched as the department psychologist - a woman in her mid-40s - settled into one across from him, crossing her legs neatly at the knees and balancing a clipboard in her lap.

“Have you ever participated in any kind of therapy before, Officer Strand?”

TK nodded, “I have been seeing a therapist off and one since I was about 16.”

The psychologist - Dr. Said - nodded and gave a small smile, “Good, then you should be fairly familiar with how this works. That should make this easier - people who have never done any form of therapy often take a while to feel comfortable enough to effectively share.”

TK nodded and drummed his fingers, waiting for the doctor to lay the groundwork. As the silence dragged on he could feel his anxiety growing. “So how does this work?” he finally blurted out, caving to the crushing silence.

Today we are just going to have a chat. This is considered the beginning of your probationary period, for lack of a better word - of being cleared for full and active duty. We will meet once more toward the middle of this mandated time, and then once again at the end. Then my reports and recommendations, along with your doctor, and your Captain will all be reviewed and a determination for your fitness to serve - both physically and mentally - will be made.”

TK nodded, running all the steps and names through his head once again. “How long does this usually take?” he asked. Dr. Said shrugged, “somewhere between 2-4 weeks. Since your injury was severe I would say that your case will be pushed out closer to the 4 weeks mark so everyone can feel certain about their findings.”

TK nodded. He glanced around the office, avoiding the doctor’s piercing gaze as he asked the question he truly dreaded: “and if I am not deemed fit to serve?”

Dr. Said readjusted her clipboard and uncapped her pen, “Then alternate options will be discussed at that time. But let’s get started before you start jumping to worse case scenarios. It won’t do any good to dwell on them.”

TK nodded and Dr. Said continued, peering at him over her clipboard, pen poised and ready: “Now,” she asked, “what can you tell me about the night of the incident?”

TK swallowed. This was not going to be fun, at all.

--------------------

Carlos entered his house to find the light already on and upbeat music drifting from the kitchen. He smiled as he dropped his bag by the door, kicking off his shoes and heading towards the noise and his boyfriend. He turned the corner to find TK bobbing his head to the music as he pulled plates out of the cupboard, turning and setting them down beside a platter of food on the counter. Carlos crossed the room and found TK’s phone on the counter. He reached across and using the side buttons, lowered the volume.

TK spun around as the music faded, but his surprised look faded into one of pleasure when he noticed Carlos.

“Hey babe,” he said, crossing the room to give Carlos a kiss, “I didn’t hear you come in.”

Carlos raised a single eyebrow, “I’m not surprised. I don’t know how you can hear anything with the music that loud. I am surprised the neighbors didn’t call to complain.”

TK waved off his concerns, “They’re fine. Besides, the windows are shut so there is no way they should have heard that. My phone speaker is not that powerful.”

Carlos rolled his eyes and then narrowed them when he noticed the food. “You didn’t cook, did you?” he asked, glancing around the kitchen, “I don’t see any scorch marks.”

TK put a hand over his heart, “Ye of little faith!” he exclaimed dramatically, “do you really think I cannot manage even a basic dinner without property damage?”

“Yes,” Carlos deadpanned, “because I have extensive experience to prove that point. Do I need to remind you of the breakfast in bed incident?”

“That was not my fault,” TK said quickly, “but no, I did not cook. I ordered this from that Korean place you like.”

Carlos chuckled and leaned down to place a kiss on the side of TK’s neck, “my hero.”

TK laughed lightly but reached forward to grab the food. “Can you grab the plates? We should get to this before it gets cold.” Carlos obliged and once they were settled at the table with full plates, he asked the question that had been eating at him all day.

“How was your first day back?” he hoped his voice didn’t betray any of the anxiety he had felt all day.

TK shrugged and she scooped some rice onto his fork, “Pretty uneventful. Mya wrapped my desk in wrapping paper, and then I had to spend all day at it doing paperwork.” At Carlos’s raised eyebrow he added, “I took off the wrapping paper halfway through the day, the crinkling was driving me nuts.”

Carlos grinned, “I ran into Mya today actually. Met her new partner.”

“Temporary partner,” TK corrected quickly, like a reflex.

“Right,” Carlos amended, “temporary partner. Did you get to talk to him at all? He seems…”

“Interesting?” TK provided.

“That’s one way to put it.”

TK nodded, “She can’t stand him. She keeps telling me I need to get back out into the field before she snaps and murders him.”

There is silence in the wake of the quip, as they both realize the elephant in the room has just been brought into the light. Back in the field is a statement that haunts both of them, for different reasons.

“I had my psych eval today,” TK blurted out, cutting through the silence.

Carlos looked up from his food, “You didn't say anything about it before,” he noted. He kept his face neutral while all the while his mind raced with implications.

TK shrugged, “I didn’t really know what to tell. I wasn’t sure if it was a one and done kind of thing of if it was a process. Turns out, it’s a process.”

TK’s voice was neutral, but Carlos knew him well enough to know that it was forced. He wasn’t feeling as calm about this as he was letting on, but Carlos wasn’t sure why.

“What kind of process?”

TK sighed, leaning back in his chair as he explained, “It’s going to take 3-4 weeks, at least two more meetings with the department psychologist, a recommendation from my Captain, and then they all have to agree on it. But it’s pointless, there’s nothing to agree on - I’m fine.”

Carlos considered that before he spoke. He noted that TK’s posture was anything but relaxed. His arms were crossed so tightly against his chest Carlos wondered about the possibility of bruising. He was tapping his foot against the floor in a light staccato pattern. Carlos liked to think he had come to know TK Strand fairly well over the past few months, and this was not TK Strand relaxed.

“Isn’t that a good thing though?” he asked eventually, “Isn’t it for the best to make sure, isn’t it smart to be absolutely sure that all the officers in the department are at the top of their game? Letting someone in the field who’s not ready to be there, that could lead to problems. It could be dangerous, for both the cop and anyone else involved. Isn't it better not to risk that?”

TK shrugged, but Carlos could see some of the tension leaving his body, “You’re right,” he agreed, “but it’s still frustrating. I’m fine.”

Carlos nodded. He turned his attention back to his dinner, but not before adding one last thought: “It’s okay to not be fine yet Ty.”

TK met his gaze for a moment before looking away quickly. “I know,” he replied softly, “but I am.”

Carlos gave him a smile but as they turned back to their meal in silence he couldn’t shake the feeling that TK was lying.

[Read the rest on Ao3 - it was too long to post it all here!]

#911 lone star #911 lone star fic #tarlos #tarlosweek2020 #tk strand #carlos reyes #my writing #gonna try to tag some people #userjilly #userkimmy #sunsetcxrve #sunshinestrand #officerrxyes #lonestarbabe #buttercupstrand #sneetchestoo #lire-casander #bellakitse #reyesstrand

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heavenlysan · 5 years ago

Text

Cruel Love 9

Words: 3,7k

Chapters:

| 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 |

(Y/N)'s POV

My choice was obvious.

Irene sent people to bring my car and all the things from my apartment, except for my papers about the case and my old phone since it was harder to hide in a car and it was dangerous to just leave those there.

I didn't say a word to her, I just went in and drove without a destination. Going back to the streets, my biggest fear in life was now my reality.

Everything vanished so quickly. Just a month ago I was helping a mother find her lost daughter and hugging her back when she was crying and thanking me for finding her. I felt so blessed for having a job that allowed me help people and I was thanking above for not being in hell anymore, just a few days ago I was in a planetarium with a man I barely knew talking about life and laughing and unexpectedly kissing him when he left me at my door, just two days ago I was feeling free and alive running in the rain and having sex with San enjoying myself but also admiring him while he was asleep and having all sort of unknown feelings when I was in his arms. Just a few hours ago I was laughing with a friend. But now there's nothing. Time felt so absurd.

I wanted to call San and confront him. He's the one who killed that man, this was all his fault but I lost the tiny paper with his phone on it. I drove for a few hours and then stopped a few blocks away from the bar since it was the only place I knew. I could only sobb. This is not real I kept repeating myself but looking at my surroundings and looking at my reflection in the driver's mirror, this was definitely real. My eyes were swollen and my head was hurting from crying so much I closed my eyes but did not sleep. I tried to clear up just how I felt but I cried to the point where there was not a single thought on my head.

I kept on working at the bar since the FBI cut the money they were giving me per week, the bar was the only thing that could help me to survive. But I looked like shit and nobody wanted to at least invite me drinks. I went to work every day hoping to see San I wanted to yell at him so bad but I didn't see him, two weeks passed and he was nowhere to be seen, I would constantly see Wooyoung and I wanted to approach him and ask him why San wasn't around but every time I tried to my legs would stop working and I'd walk away from him. Weeks passed and nothing I even started to worry what if something happened to him, what if he was just playing around and he just wanted sex those words were running in circles in my head I didn't even wanted to yell at him anymore I just wanted to see him again.

I wished I had spent more time with him and also wished I could remember the way to his home. I really needed to know where or how he was.

The only good thing about that bar was that I made a new friend, I grew closer with Lucy, she displayed a totally different image while working, the real Lucy was a bubbly and cheerful girl. Everyday she'd ask me if everything was okay in her words, you look like a puzzle that's missing a piece and I always lied with the same words what are you talking about I'm fine.

Since we couldn't meet each other at my ex apartment anymore Irene occasionally left different codes with secret messages on sticky notes on my car that at first glance looked like traffic tickets and it was always the same thing.

"Have you heard of him?"

"You're screwing up"

"If you don't get him soon we can sue you for breach of contract"

"Stop fooling around"

It was definitely way better than seeing her and yell at each other until getting tired.

A whole month passed, at the bar I was used to at least seeing Wooyoung around but recently not even him was showing up.

What if this what if that.

I just need to see him.

(San's POV)

The smell of smoke filled the house, the place was under attack and we needed to get out of here. There was only one man dumb enough to mess with me. That son of a bitch.

I ran through the long corridors of Hongjoong's house. The others following me closely as I lead the way I knew this place wasn't safe but he never hears what I say. I heard the others running behind me and Hongjoong clearing the back part as I cleared the front part. We couldn't use the front door since it was burning and falling apart, we needed a plan asap.

"Let's just use the window" Said Jongho.

I stopped to think about it for a moment, it's risky but we don't really have more options. Jumping to the balcony of the second floor and then to the trees is our only way out. I explained to them my plan and they agreed.

"I'll go first" I said as I made my way to the window. This was a huge risk one wrong move and it was over. Before jumping my princess and my loyal members crossed my mind.

I crouched into the window sill. Please let the others be safe. I jumped and I successfully made it to the second floor's balcony. I looked over at the tree that was about 3 feet away from the balcony, this was the serious part. But we didn't have much time and without hesitation I jumped, I managed to grab onto a branch. I climbed down and then jumped to the ground. I got only a few scratches on my face and my arms but nothing serious or painful.

While helping Yeosang who was the last I heard footsteps approaching us. We got on guard but the noise ceased. Yunho was the first one to lower his gun "Let's just go get the…" I heard gunshots and then Yunho fell on my arms, his face filled with pain and his back covered in blood.

"Lucca says hi" A man hiding in the bushes yelled.

"Go get that bitch but don't kill him I want to do it myself" I said as Jongho, Wooyoung and Mingi followed my instructions.

My attention was back to Yunho, the blood he was losing worried me we could lose him any second if we don't treat him on time, Seonghwa helped me to get him inside the car. We could've died as soon as we passed in front of Hongjoong's house but to our surprise there wasn't anyone there shooting or throwing Molotov cocktails anymore. The way home felt like a roller-coaster I'd see Yunho through the rear-view mirror every two minutes, Hongjoong kept talking to him to keep him awake and Yunho tried to answer all of it with his head thrown back in pain, my heart was beating faster and faster. I can't lose him, none of them I just can't.

I stopped the car in front of our house and Yeosang and Seonghwa got him carefully to the infirmary to treat his wounds. I felt useless, I'm their leader, I should protect all of them but this is not even the first time one of us gets hurt. I impatiently waited outside the infirmary for a few hours to get news from Yunho, why is this taking them so long?.

"I know that face" Hongjoong who was sitting in front of me said with his hands buried on his pockets "You're blaming yourself but this is not your fault, you always tell me to move in here but I never listen, blame me instead"

I didn't say anything this wasn't because Hongjoong's place was an easy target this was because I was unable to protect Yunho. The front door opened and I felt the weight on my shoulders vanishing a little they came back in one piece.

"You're gonna get mad" Said Wooyoung. "We got the guy but he's injured losing a lot of blood he could die any second, we already moved him to the basement so you better hurry"

"Did you ask him some questions?" Hongjoong interfered and Wooyoung tilted his head and squinted his eyes as I left them to hurry to the basement.

"We tried but that motherfucker didn't want to cooperate" I heard Mingi reply.

I went down the basement, Jongho was there too. That man didn't even need to be tied up, he was all fucked up and could barely move, I dragged a chair and sat in front of him.

"So you're one of Lucca's little toys?" I said but that bastard didn't even look at me, Jongho pulled his head up by his hair. "I'm talking, if you don't wanna die in a merciless way you better pay attention–"

"Lucca… he's closer… than you think he is and–" Heavily breathing he coughed leaving blood on his lips, I observed how he was slowly dying. "He's also stronger than you… think he is, his goal is displaying your head… in his leaving room… That's all I know man" He crawled, trying to get closer to me "But please don't kill me I—"

I laughed, this bitch is funny as fuck "Don't kill me? You hurted one of my members, you can thank Lucca for this" I pulled out my gun and I shot him right between his eyebrows, he didn't hesitate to shoot Yunho why should I show some kind of mercy?

"You know what to do with the body" I glanced at Jongho and I threw him my zippo before closing the door of the basement.

While walking through the hall I spotted Seonghwa sitting on the floor removing his gloves covered in blood. He looked exhausted.

"Before you say anything, he's fine we just have to wait for him to wake up" He says while looking up to meet my eyes. "I know you're the leader, but you're also young, you don't have to beat up yourself for this we've been through worse we're all gonna be fine"

"Yes as you said I'm the leader and…" I felt embarrassed and I slid my back on the wall till I reached the floor sitting next to him.

He shakes his head "We knew what we were getting ourselves into when we joined you, and none of us regret doing it, so please stop worrying" He suddenly pauses and looks at me scanning me whole. "I'm the one worried about you, have you been sleeping well? You look like shit"

"I'm doing alright" I say.

"No you're not and I think I know what's your problem"

"Well Doctor Park tell me what's my problem" I rest my head on the wall crossed armed paying attention to what he has to say.

"It's that girl"

"I'm not gonna have this conversation with you" I try to get up but he holds my arm.

"You looked like a totally different person when you were seeing her, you had a special sparkle in your eyes I never saw that look in your face not even when you were with—"

"Don't fucking finish that" I push his hand away from my arm.

"Okay whatever I'm sorry I won't bring it up again, but you know I'm right" He says with determination "But why did you stop seeing her?"

"She rightfully got mad at me" Looking away I say. "I gave her my number but she never called"

"And why didn't you call her?" He scoffs

"She didn't call me for a reason and I respect that I can't force her to love me back" Seonghwa looks at me with his eyes wide open and his mouth forming an O.

"So you love her" I realize way too late what I just said. Fuck. "I knew it" He grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me.

"Well it's… The thing is… I don't know what I feel for her" I say quietly.

"You just said that you love her"

"I know what the fuck I just said it's just…" I try to find the right words but that's the thing about her, she leaves me speechless and breathless and I can't explain what my feelings are towards her. "It's complicated"

"One thing I know for sure is that she feels the same for you" I look at him ironically, I don't think that's the case but I keep listening "Don't look at me like that, I just know, when Wooyoung introduced her to me and I mentioned how nervous you were when you invited her dinner you should've seen her eyes and how they lightened up when I brought you up in our little convo, none a single person on earth can fake that"

"I've thought about it and it's better this way, my life is a big dangerous mess, I have people who's loyal to me in every corner of this city but I also have enemies in every corner, I don't want to bring her into my life and put her in danger just because I'm happy with her that'd be selfish, if something happened to her because of me…" I'm explaining but he interrupts me.

"Yeah but you don't get to decide that, it's her decision, I know she doesn't know everything about you but that one time when you first met her, you shot a man in front of her and according to what you said she didn't look remotely scared of you she even yelled at you she even agreed to go out with you" He sounds so enthusiastic about this but he suddenly pauses "You should go and see her"

"Right now?" I chuckle "I'm waiting for Yunho to wake up besides it's late she's probably working right now"

"Yunho is resting the more he sleeps the better" He rushes me to get up.

"What if she hates me"

"You respect her decision and come back here but you won't know if you don't try to see her" He's already pushing me to keep walking till we get to the door and even throws me my coat. "And yes I don't think he will but If Yunho wakes up earlier I'll call you right away"

"This is a bad idea" I try to get off this situation

"Just shut the fuck and go" He says while opening the door and pushes me out and before I get to say anything he slams the door.

Shit.

(Y/N POV)

I stared at my fake boss with pure anger disguised with a neutral expression, I truly want to punch him in the nose he's been yelling at me for an hour because I'm the only girl bringing the less money and I could understand that but he had the nerve to stare at my boobs the whole time I sat there in front of him in his office.

"I don't get rid of you just because even if you haven't brought that much money these last weeks you're the one who brought more money in one night this month" He finally looks me in the eyes.

He's talking about the night I met San when he paid for me to supposedly have sex with Wooyoung but it was actually just to get me out of here, after all the shit I went through that night he just wanted me to go home and that was a gesture I'll never forget.

"Are you paying attention?" He snaps his fingers in front of me and I nod "Besides tomorrow we have a special event and I need every single girl for a little something so please don't be late"

"Is that everything?" I ask as I get up from my seat, he just nods at me then makes a gesture with his hand.

While closing the door of the office I run into Lucy. "You're still here? it's almost 4am you always leave early" She tells me.

"I was about to leave when our boss called me to tell me about a special event" I explain while we both walk to the dressing rooms.

"Oh, yeah it's tomorrow it's not as special as it sounds it's just his brother's birthday, he's a creep a total pig and girl I see pigs every night but this man" She gags pretending to throw up "I would rather if you just stay at home"

"I can't he even told me to not be late" Lucy changes her dress for a clean one she usually stays for longer than I do, in the meantime I put on the hoodie that San lent me the last time I saw him on top of my dress and get ready to leave.

"Well I hope you get sick or something, I think you're too pure to meet that man" she says and I let out a loud laugh.

"Is he that bad?" She nods and the disgust on her face says everything.

"But enough of that even talking about him grosses me" She looks down at the hour on her phone "You should go now and get some sleep"

"I was going to wait a little the rain sounds heavy" I say and she just rolls her eyes and puts up my hoodie covering my head.

"That's even better if you get wet you might get sick"

I don't say anything, I just wave at her goodbye and leave to the parking lot. The rain catches me off guard, it's definitely more intense than I thought it was going to be. I run to the front part of the bar and on the corner of my eye I spot a familiar silhouette, but I keep walking, it's probably just my imagination at this point.

But what if…

I turn around and I see San he's walking to and fro like he is debating if he should get inside the bar or not. I freeze on my spot when our eyes meet each other, he's completely soaked for how long has he been waiting here in the rain?.

For the last month all I wanted was to have him in front of me so I could yell at him but now… I don't know a thing. I freeze even more when he starts walking toward me and my legs involuntarily do the same till we're face to face. He looks tired and his eyes look red and getting a little swollen… like he has been… crying. I suddenly get this overwhelming feeling and this enormous urge, I approach slowly to hug him tightly. My action takes him by surprise but fastly he wraps me with his arms as well resting his chin on my shoulder. I softly run my fingers through his hair as we get closer and closer.

I missed this…

"Why did you disappear?" I say in a whisper. I let go of our hold to make eye contact.

"I thought you didn't want to see me again" I shake my head slowly "You had all the right to get mad at me and… I'm sorry"

"I wanted to call you the next day you left me at my home but I lost your phone number" Then I finally remember why I wanted to see him "Actually something happened and we need to talk" He holds my hand and we walk to his car.

All this time all I wanted was to ask if he's the one who killed that man but after seeing his sincere eyes something deep inside of me tells me it wasn't him. But I still want to hear it from his lips.

"The last time I saw you… did you…" I struggle to get my words right.

"What is it princess?" He holds my hand with both of his leaving a tender kiss.

"The man you hit that day he's, he's dead" He closes his eyes and lets out a sigh.

"I know I gained certain fame with my actions towards men that have hurt you but this time I promise you princess it wasn't me" That's all I wanted to hear "That day as I was hitting him you told me to stop and so I did and after that you told me to leave and so I did. If you had asked me to kill him I would've done it but you didn't so I forgot about him" Then who the fuck killed that man?

"I'm sorry for thinking it was you" He caresses my cheek and gets closer to me.

"It's okay princess" He says in a lower tone, we're so close and I feel my heart racing so fast God I missed that feeling. I meet his eyes, that gaze… Fuck, then stare at his lips, I end the distance between us with a lingering kiss.

But he stops it "There's something I need to tell you too" He rests his forehead on my mine "I like you princess, so much you have no idea but…" He looks troubled and hesitating.

"You can tell me anything"

"If we keep going forward you deserve to know the truth" He holds my hands again "I'm a Mafia leader and I'm not gonna lie to you, it's dangerous being around me and I'll understand if you don't want to see me anymore"

San's words hit me like a truck, I got it, I did it, I gained his trust and got him to confess. But why do I feel like this doesn't matter anymore? Why do I feel even guilty about it?

"I don't know what to say to that"

"You just have to tell me if that scares you if it does I'll disappear from your life" I shook my head, it didn't scare me not even an ounce I've been around danger all my life "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure" I say while cupping his face with my hands and he rests on one and kisses my hand again.

The rain stops and I get an idea "Can I take you somewhere?" I say suddenly and he finally smiles.

I think that's what I missed the most, that beautiful dimpled smile.

"You want to drive?" I nod and we switch seats. "And where are you taking me?"

"You're gonna have to trust me"

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woozibby · 4 years ago

Text

Control | Jihoon | Part 3

a.n. originally posted on my shared blog- i’m now moving everything here to my main blog.

Last | 3 | Next

You stared blankly at the turned off tv and you continuously clicked the play and pause button on the cassette. You were alone- again, with your mind racing at what left like a million miles per second.

Click Click Click

With every click, you blinked. It was as if you could feel your mind going into madness. You could feel yourself falling down the rabbit hole. Mingyu said to be yourself, to draw whatever came naturally- easy said for someone who should have been an artist himself instead of working for the mafia.

“Just express how you feel even if it only makes sense to you”

“Just do what you normally do, just be good at being you”

Mingyu’s words replayed in your brain. It was like a cycle, you click the button twice and wondering if this madness you were feeling was real before his voice appears in your mind.

“Just express how you feel even if it only makes sense to you”

“Just do what you normally do, just be good at being you”

What you were good at was; computers, hacking, finding out information that was hidden from public view, finding secret food coupons for ordering food online. Just computer and tech stuff in general.

You repeated the process again. That was until your eyes shot to the cassette player, then to the old tv. Maybe, just maybe you could make something that would create a pathway to the online world. Mingyu told you to do what you were good at, so this just happened to be the way of doing it, but Jihoon’s voice also played in your head.

‘They’re to keep you safe’

The rules. No internet access. No tech to begin with. Everyone apart from Jihoon, Wonwoo and Mingyu must believe you were dead. It was to keep not only yourself safe but to help with protecting the tech.

As you were the person who overran everything tech wise, only you knew about all of it. Wonwoo knew what he needed to know as the leader, Mingyu and Minghao knew whatever they knew- Minghao seemly picked up more whereas it just confused Mingyu a whole lot- as they were the ones that ‘bugged’ you the most and well Jihoon… Jihoon didn’t know anything about how the tech worked on your side, but he knew how to keep you safe and he knew how to kill without being detected.

The tv and the cassette tape together wouldn’t be enough, you needed to find a way to get something else. A phone perhaps, even if it barely worked on its own- something that you could put together.

And yes, maybe it wouldn’t work at all, but what was the point if you couldn’t have a go at it. Clicking the button again, you left it on for a while, the starting drum beats made you instantly facepalm.

“Mingyew you fucking idiot!”

It was late- well early, when you got woken up by Jihoon getting home. Pulling the covers off of your body, you stumble your way to the kitchen where the light from the fridge is illuminating the whole room.

“Jihoon?” You yawned, covering your mouth with your hand as the other ran through your hair. He jumped slightly as he let out a sigh, turning to face you.

“You made me jump” You giggled, smiling.

“I could tell”

Your eyes scanned him, his black hair was stuck up and his forehead was on show. His waistcoat was unbuttoned, speckles of red were across his collar. He smirked, closing the fridge after he picked himself up a drink.

“You should be asleep” You shrugged, your eyes continuing to stay on him as he took the few steps closer to you.

“I would be if someone didn’t wake me up” He chuckles, stopping right in front of you.

“Well that’s a shame now isn’t” You tilted your head up partly.

“It is!” He chuckled again, placing his hand on your chin to make sure you were looking at him.

“Well, go back to sleep, I’m sorry for waking you up” You stared at him and he kept his hand on your chin.

“It’s okay” You mumbled, your voice came out soft and you blinked. “I missed you anyways” He smiled, moving his hand to move a piece of your hair and tuck it behind your ear.

“You missed me? that’s adorable” You scoffed, rolling your eyes. You broke whatever trance you were in and turned your head away.

“I’m not trying to be adorable, I’m telling the truth” You spoke, letting a sigh escape your lips. “It’s lonely here”

You could feel his eyes on you like he was trying to read you- he was reading you. Over the weeks, even if he wasn’t there that often he had learnt how to read you, he had learnt to read you better than you could read yourself.

“I’m sorry I’m not here as often as I should be,” He says.

Neither of you moved, neither of you wanted to move. The soft and silent intake and releases of air in a strange way comforted you both. After a moment, you turned your head, your eyes went to the blood on his collar.

“I thought you were good at your job” You giggled slightly, pulling at his collar. “But you always seem to get in a mess” He looked down at your hand and chuckled.

“Well, sometimes it’s fun to have a trace, you should know this since you’re a hacker” Jihoon raises an eyebrow as his eyes go to you. You pushed your lips into a thin line as you send a blank look to him.

“It’s stupid, what if something went wrong and you got caught or something?” You questioned, jabbing him with your finger.

“That won’t happen, I’m not stupid, you have to remember, I’m a professional, I know how things go and I know how to do and not do things” Jihoon sighed, grabbing your hand and stopping you from jabbing him. “Nothing will happen to me or you as long as we keep things going the way they are”

You stayed silent. His hand stayed around yours and briefly you felt as if you could feel his energy moulding with your own. You moved your hand so your fingers tangled together with his.

“So nothing is going to go wrong?” You ask, he hums, nodding his head.

“As long as neither of us does something stupid” He asserted. It was as if it were a warning, he was warning you. Don’t do something stupid, don’t break what thing we have going on right now.

“Will either of us do something stupid though? We don’t need Seungcheol finding either of us” You lied and Jihoon raised an eyebrow.

You knew what you were going to do was stupid, but the voice inside your head kept telling you to go on. It’ll be fine, no one will know. No one will find out. Seungcheol believes your dead so he won’t be looking for you- for some random bungalow in the middle of the forest.

“We don’t” Jihoon’s eyes went down to your hands. Letting out a sigh, he lowers your hands. “You should go back to bed, it’s late” Agreeing, you look down as you nod your head.

“Okay,” You looked up again quickly. “You’ll be sleeping too right? You won’t randomly disappear in the morning?” Jihoon laughed, rolling his eyes.

“You say that like we’re sleeping together” You huffed in responses, trying to pull your hand away from his.

“Shut up, you know what I mean”

He refused to let your hand go and he squeezed it lightly. He didn’t try to pull you closer, but then he never let you go further from arms reach either. It was as if your touch made it even more real for him. You were there with him- not that you had a choice, but you were alive and you were okay.

“I know,” He sighs, he squeezed your hand again. “I know”

“Are you okay?” You questioned, only to get the response of him nodding his head and leading you to the two bedrooms doors in the back. “Jihoon?”

Once you reached the two doors, he halted and turned to you. He squeezed your hand one last time before letting it go. He regretted his actions as soon as he did it but knew it had to be done.

“I’m okay, you make sure to go to sleep”

“Okay” You answered simply. “Make sure to sleep too”

“I will” He opened your door, turned you around before gently pushing you inside your room. “Sleep well okay,” He said as you turned around to face, all you could do was open your mouth to speak before he shut the door behind you.

Letting a sigh escape your lips, your mouth turned into a frown.

“You too” You mumbled, before going back to your bed and trying to go to sleep. Your mind full of the black haired assassin.

It was quiet when you woke up the next morning. The morning sun peeked through your curtains and into your room. Stretching your arms out, you pick yourself up out of bed and make your way to the hallway.

“Jihoon?” You called out, knocking on his bedroom door. No answer. You knocked again. No answer.

Opening his bedroom door, you saw the bed had indeed been slept in but was now empty. The covers were still a mess and the partly blood-stained shirt he was wearing a mere five hours before was thrown over a chair.

You rolled your eyes, closing the door behind you and making your way to the kitchen.

“Jih-…” You cut yourself off when you see a sticky note, stuck on top of a carton of what seemed to be food. Letting out a huff, you pick up the sticky note and bring it closer to your face to read.

I’m sorry, I got called for a job. I promise I’ll be back quicker this time so please wait for me! Also, enjoy these pancakes, I thought you’d want something different to eat instead of ramen!

- hot guy;).

You rolled your eyes once more, especially when you saw how he had signed off the sticky note. He was never going to let that go, was he?

Placing the sticky note down on the counter, you opened the carton of pancakes up and the strong smell travelled through the air. Smiling to yourself, you couldn’t wait any longer before you dug into your breakfast.

After being used to eating only ramen for the past few days, the taste overwhelmed you and the smile on your face grew larger. You sent a mental thank you note to Jihoon and continued to eat.

After you finished eating, you washed up and put everything where they belonged and then went back to your room to get changed. That didn’t take long and you did your bathroom routine and began to do your everyday thing.

Sitting, watching the TV that wasn’t even turned on or you’d attempt your way at drawing. You danced around randomly to the few songs you had on the cassette. You read- or attempted to read a few of the books Mingyu had brought you, not all of them being that interesting.

You even made up someone to talk to. Someone to keep you company when no one else was there… Maybe you really were going crazy.

After a few hours, you huffed and threw yourself onto the couch. You were bored, you were more than bored. Your eyes went around the room when they landed on the TV.

“Might as well check out to see how I can use this thing” you muttered to yourself, pulling it forward so you had a clear view of the back.

If you could get a clear idea of how the thing worked and what was inside it, it would help you be able it figure out what you could take and use for your ‘get connection’ plan.

You mostly saw wires, but as you moved them to get a better look you saw circuit boards and things that helped the tv process information. Clicking your fingers you chuckled to yourself, but before you could get to start on any work, you heard a car pull up to the front of the house.

Quickly pushing the tv back to its original place, you rushed to the window and sneakily tried to peer through the blinds without whoever was outside noticing.

The car was a dark colour and had tinted windows so you couldn’t see inside.

Pulling yourself from the window, you looked around the room trying to think up a plan on the spot. You couldn’t let yourself panic. Panicking in this situation wasn’t what you needed.

Rushing to over by where the tv is, you look around frantically for something you could use as a weapon to defend yourself. Being met with nothing you have no choice but to run to your room and hide in the little space you have in your wardrobe.

It was dark and you covered your mouth to keep yourself quiet enough so you wouldn’t be caught. Closing your eyes, you listen silently and your heart starts to pick up its pace when you hear footsteps slowly move into your room. The closer they got to the wardrobe, the quicker your heart would pick up.

You thought all hope was lost when the door opened and you were face to face with a concerned looking Wonwoo.

“(Y/N)?” You gasped, uncovering your mouth and wrapping your arms around him in a hug. Your eyes started to tear up and you let out a small hiccup.

“I thought it was someone else, I got scared” Wonwoo sighed, returning the hug. He places a kiss on the top of your head and hummed.

“It’s okay, it’s only me, don’t worry”

You calmed down after a while, being in the comfort of your brother really helped. You had missed him a lot considering you hadn’t seen him since the day that you ‘died;.

You both talked, laughed and joked with each other like you usually did before everything happened and for a few hours it felt like everything was back to the way they used to be. That everything was normal again, that you were back in your old room with all your computers and you could see Mingyu and Minghao every day and that you could annoy Mingyu any chance you got. Like you were back with your family again, but that’s when reality set in when Wonwoo sighed and told you it was best for him to leave.

“I should leave now, I don’t want to draw too much attention to you” Wonwoo spoke, he grabs your hand with his and gently rubbed his thumb over the back of your hand. “I want to make sure you’re safe”

“I am safe,” You confirm “Especially when Jihoon is here”

Wonwoo chuckled, squeezing your hand. You raised an eyebrow at your brother’s chuckle but decided to say nothing.

“I’m glad you two are getting along so well”

“Well considering he’s helping protect my life, we kinda have to”

Wonwoo lets another sigh escape his lips and he stands. He picks up his black coat and puts it on before turning back to you.

“I’ll make sure to try and come here as often as I can without making it look obvious you’re hiding here” You hum and nod your head.

“Okay” He hugged you goodbye and turned to leave. You bit your lip before suddenly calling out to him. It was now or never. “Won!” He turned to look at you with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes?”

“I was wondering, well, if you could-…”

“Spit it out (Y/N)” He cut you off. You took in a deep breath and released it. You then finished speaking.

“I was wondering if you could give me a phone,”

“(Y/N) you know-…” This time you were the one to cut him off.

“but only for safety reasons, what if someone showed up and I couldn’t do anything to protect myself, you saw how panicked I got today!” Wonwoo stayed silent, you could hear your heartbeat ringing in your ears as you waited for him to respond.

“I’ll think about it, but if I decide to give you one it’ll be under my conditions,” He says, he gives you a stern look. “You understand?” You nod your head frantically and he smiles. “Good, now I really have to go so I’ll come by and see you sometime soon”

“I’ll see you soon” You reply, waving your hand.

You stayed in the living room as Wonwoo disappeared into the kitchen and out into the garage. What you hadn’t realised was Wonwoo and Jihoon had crossed paths as Jihoon was just arriving home.

“Wonwoo” Jihoon smiles, “I’m glad to see you’re okay” Wonwoo smiles, placing his hand on Jihoon’s shoulder.

“I’m doing good, I’m glad you are too” Jihoon hums. “Before I leave, I just wanted to talk to you for a second, is that okay?”

“Yeah, it’s fine, what do you want to speak about?”

Wonwoo coughs awkwardly, before looking around and checking you weren’t close to overhear them.

“I want you to teach (Y/N) how to defend themselves, teach them how to use a gun if you have to, just do whatever you can to show them how” Jihoon raised an eyebrow and chuckled. He still nodded anyway.

“I thought being apart of the mafia would mean she already knows these things” Wonwoo sighs, a small smile gracing his features.

“You’d think that, but actually our father didn’t want her to. That’s why she’s so good at computers because she focused a lot of her energy on those” Wonwoo explained as Jihoon silently listened.

“Okay, I’ll show them”

“See this is why I trust you the most” Wonwoo admits, “Maybe more than I should, but this is how things go” Wonwoo chuckles again. “You care for them well”

“I told you, I’ll do whatever I can to keep them safe”

“Thank you Jihoon” Wonwoo smiled and Jihoon returned that smile.

“You’re welcome”

15 notes · View notes

chilledplantmum · 4 years ago

Text

CW: stillbirth, mental health, covid 19, trauma

*Names have been changed for privacy and confidentiality reasons

Life line: 13 11 14

Men’s help line: 1300 789 978

Beyond blue: 1300 22 4636

1800 RESPECT

SANDS: pregnancy and infant loss: 1300 072 637

Kids helpline: 1800 551 800

7.50 Monday morning

I was just doing my normal morning routine I was on the loo and I felt this weird sensation I thought Chester had moved away from my bladder as I felt a pop and a gush.

I didn’t panic I just thought it was wee but I called labour and delivery just for an opinion they weren’t concerned and as I had an appointment at 11am so I just chilled out and had breakfast I pushed away any worries because pregnancy teaches you to chill because if you worry about every little thing you’ll go mad. Matt was sleeping as he had had the flu with migraines and temperatures all the previous week and he was buggered. Then I went back to the toilet and I was shocked at that point as I was bleeding bright red blood. So I left the bedroom en-suite as not to wake up Matthew and called labour and delivery again and they seemed not fussed then Matthew came out to the lounge and his face was just shocked he couldn’t believe I hadn’t told him I just wanted him to not worry.

I drove myself to the hospital alone as Matthew was still displaying symptoms of being sick and as this was the thick of covid 19 stages 4 there was no way he’d be anywhere near the hospital though we both had negative results the previous weeks so we could see Matthews son as we didn’t want to expose anyone.

I was called into my appointment very quickly and the OB rushed me to ultrasound. The ultrasound was a bit strange even I could tell there was something wrong as the amount of 20-week ultrasounds I had seen on Facebook did not look like this. The OB said everything should be okay it did look like there was not much fluid but in her words at the time ‘I’m not great with ultrasounds I’ll send you up to the assessment unit they are much better’ but Chester still had a heartbeat so again I didn’t get too worried and I hadn’t had any pain so I made my way up to the assessment centre. Again I was called in fairly quickly even though I counted about 15 heavily pregnant women sitting waiting.

The midwife sat me down and checked on Chester with the Doppler he was rolling around running away from the pressure typical of my little nugget but she found his heartbeat no issues. She did some swabs and then called a doctor. The doctor performed a procedure to check my waters had truly broken. They couldn’t get an accurate answer as there was too much blood. But again they assured me that there was no ‘pooling’ of amniotic fluid so everything should be okay. I went to do the ‘pee cup’ the results showed high glucose which is typical of myself being hypoglycemic and a slight infection marker but nothing extraordinary. Then they transferred me to a single assessment unit to see the head OB and again I didn’t stress because no one seemed to be too worried. I was actually enjoying knitting the scarf I’d been working hard at the whole pregnancy.

The head OB again did a fluid swab which was a nasty painful 60 seconds of my life. Oh and the fact he made the comment that my vagina was at an odd angle and it was impossible to see my cervix. I won’t go into too much detail but it was rough and if I ever see another speculum I’ll most likely cry.

Called Matthew at that point can’t really remember what we spoke about but I was just updating him so he wasn’t out of the loop. I then headed to the toilet and on my way back to my room I saw my OB say to another midwife do you think this test is positive? She replied yes definitely a poor girl. I stopped myself went back to the room in a hurry and just kept repeating no it wasn’t my test why would they just talk openly where everyone could hear. I slowed my breathing something I had been very accurate to my entire life due to anxiety issues so I held it together.

The head OB came in and non-chalnonty told me yes the test is positive my waters had indeed broken. I immediately speed-dialled my love. At that point I could not talk I stopped paying attention to anything around me and I could barely hear any voices. The OB explained the situation to Matthew and left swiftly. Matthew and I just cried not saying a word but uncertain of what the future held. I had a few midwives come to comfort me and told me not to stress babies are born all the time at early gestations. I asked her for some food as I wasn’t prepared for a lengthy hospital experience all I had eaten was a bowl of rice bubbles at 9am it was now 2pm. All she could find was 3 custard puddings as I was feeling faint and quite hungry I downed all 3 without hesitation. I was admitted and given my own room hey it kind of looked like a fancy hotel room. Tad odd there was no TV.

Again I asked for food and asked to make sure my dinner had been organized they assured me it had been.

Then my mate Didrie* the first midwife I met on the ward. I will not forget her she was kind, she was gentle.

I asked her for answers there was none at that point.

I called Matthew so he could hear the plan she explained so he could have his questions answered.

Now at this point, I need you to brace yourself as I can hardly handle my anger for this moment.

My honest and compassionate self told Dierdre about Matthew and I’s covid tests and they were negative but Matthew had developed a dry cough that morning. He was instantly refused entry to the hospital and was made to take a covid test.

Bare with me this bits a little complicated. I had driven the car in and as we only have one car Matthew needed to come to pick it up so he asked Dedrie if he could bring my bedding and bags for the admission to the front door and give me a hug......... the answer of course ... no

I called my mother and asked her to drive Matthew to pick up the car and so I could at least see one familiar face..... breathe..... the covid rules for antenates was one visitor for the entire stay and only 2 hours of visiting per person.

At this point I had Deidre explain this to Matthew as I was exhausted beyond comprehension. Matthew begged and begged and the head midwife said absolutely not until his covid test was negative. He basically ran to get the test and was told it was going to take 3-5 days. He told this story to the nurse who completed his test she cried. That angel of a woman put his test under immediate healthcare exemption so it was fast-tracked for 24-hour turn around.

At this point, I was given the impossible choice of having my mum give me a hug and a conversation so I could cope or wait for Matthew when his test came back. At this point I almost shut down I had no answers for my unborn and my stupid empathetic brain pulled Dedrie aside and apologized for how Matthew and my mother sounded I had chosen to wait for the father of my child. I apologized to her and said they were quite angry as only a year and a half ago I had almost succeeded in ending my life. Deidre hugged me and said just wait.

She returned not more than 5 minutes later and said call your mother right now and get her up here. You have exceptional circumstances.

At this point, I was still waiting for food I believe it was around 8pm. The food service lady knocked opened the door and stated have you got your tray? I looked at her utterly confused and said what do you mean? I haven’t received my dinner yet. She just said okay well dinner service was over.

I begged mum to go get me food I was weak tired emotional and confused. My mother’s anxiety got the best of her and said she had no idea how to navigate sunshine. I dialled Matthew crying and said can you buy me some tea, my darling partner said what do you want anything for you.

Deidre Returned and said she had gotten approval for external food to be brought in. My mother went to the front door to collect the food from Matthew. She was hassled by security on the way back to my room.

It was KFC just chips and potato and gravy and as it was quite late at this stage I took in as much as I could but I could hardly eat it was the Coca Cola that saved my energy levels. I had to just force the food in.

Mum left after her 2-hour visit with a letter from the hospital stating she had permission to be out after curfew.

I just sat on my hard horrible uncomfortable hospital bed and just cried not sure how long but it was endless tears.

I finally passed out from exhaustion.

The night head midwife came in and woke me up around 1am for an obs check. I knew something was wrong as I could barely make out a human she had so much PPE. She said you are now in isolation and you will be given your covid test in the morning. I said can I get a can of Pepsi out of the vending machine just quickly as I hadn’t had any soft drink in soooo long. It was hard no. She did my obs and checked Chester with the Doppler she kept complaining how hard it was to find him as it was such an early gestation but for a fleeting 3 seconds, I heard the gallop of his fluttering heart. And everything was okay.

I was woken up abruptly the next morning at who knows what time. At this point, I lost track of days time and distance. The doctors said your ultrasound to check on my little nugget won’t be today as it was a too high risk of infecting people with my nonexistent covid. They left just as quickly as they had presented.

I just broke I have no idea how long I was crying for it was grief it was something between a scream and a moan it was so loud I had to drown out my own thoughts I had to drown out everything. I pressed the call buttons who knows how many times no one ever came.

I passed out. I was then woken again by a stranger covered head to toe in white there were no eyes no smile no humanity. She did my obs and said are you ready for your covid swab? I begged I had had no symptoms a negative test. She said it doesn’t matter you need to test clear for our safety. I said what happens if I refuse, she said your situation won’t change it will just prolong your stay. I opened my mouth with tears streaming down my face I have a pretty strong gag reflex but there were a few dry heaves. Then the nose she said I’ll be gentle I was just hanging to my thoughts of Matthew and Chester. She did one nostril and the pain was unbearable every nerve ending in my body was burning from emotion the psychical pain was just something I couldn’t cope with. The masked woman said you need to calm down it’s not good for you and baby. She asked are you ready for the other nostril, breathing through snot tears and pain I said if I refuse will I be made to take it again if there is a negative result. She said no, I said, in that case, you're not touching me. I’m not entirely sure what happened next I think at that point I stopped calling family as I couldn’t bear to see the pain in their faces or in their voice. I just kept saying be strong, bubs needs you to be strong right now. I don’t remember much from the interactions from those midwives that day. I do know that I started to develop a migraine as I had not had proper caffeine in close to 24 hours. There was another angel that day who said if you need anything to buzz me as you cannot leave this room. I said all I want is a can of coke and I’ll be able to survive the day. The midwives I could hear were run off there feet so many met calls for other mums every time I pressed the buzzer it was a good half hour to an hour to get service. Then came changeover I had a new midwife, my angel didn’t come through and the migraine started to become unbearable. Then she opened the door she said I didn’t forget about you. Look after yourself she took off her mask and smiled, it was an act of pure empathy and humanity.

I had been referred to my next angel the social work rainbow that came from pain and clouds. Rainbow* you saved my mind that day. You sat with me for over 2 hours listening. We swapped stories of our social work careers which were eerily similar. We talked about maternity social work and how horrible it can be and how unfair the world is. She then said she was off to do the paperwork for Matthew to stay the night when he tests negative the first exemption The hospital had to learn to deal with.

Then one of the best phone calls of my life came through it was Matt I could hear his smile from a mile away he had tested negative. I cried with joy a deep love.

Later that night my blood pressure plummeted I was faint tired and had barely eaten or drank any fluid.

The doctor said we need to hydrate you right now and ordered IV fluids

I demanded they did not the vein in my elbow as it was always the most painful IV vein he tried twice. I came very very close to passing out and giving up but I stayed awake and strong I downed some orange juice. He said the vein he found had collapsed and he would try the other arm I again said do not touch my elbow. Again he stuck in the canular needle and once again the vein collapsed. I went numb, I have an intense fear of needles but my blood pressure continued to plummet from the stress and pain. A second midwife gave it a try yet again they found a vein it didn’t produce enough blood. I remained steadfast you are not to touch the painful vein every doctor and midwife saying how much easier it would be. Now at this point, they brought in someone who never fails..... she spent a good ten minutes analyzing my arms finally stuck me number 4 she was in and then the vein once again collapsed.

I was so tired and delirious she talked me into the painful vein. Such regret for that moment.

She was gentle it was by a bit tender but not painful.

My iv fluids went in and I quickly started feeling better my bp came back up. They wrapped my arm and left me to rest. I don’t recall much else not sure if I slept. I believe it was a video call with my angels of a blended family my Matthew, my sons mum and Chesters brother and nanny. I was so happy just to hear My bonus son giggle and say he’s silly quirks I was floored how much he had grown in just over a week.

Sleep was not my friend that night the canula started to burn it started to ache and I started to just give in to the pain and let the panic take hold I just lay there hyperventilating and just giving in to the pain. Again the head midwife entered who knows what she looked like I knew she was older, I was so so weak and I begged and begged for her to take out the IV I started to lose it. She said to stop being silly it doesn’t hurt that bad I’ll flush it and you’ll be okay. You need to get it together. She broke a boundary she rubbed my belly and said you need to stay calm for the baby.

She bandaged me up and said okay shall we listen to the baby? I was so happy to hear those words just connecting to the little miracle in my uterus. He played up a treat she said sounds like there’s fluid in there and you hear the gushing? Hope-filled my heart and then I heard him hiccup I slept well that night even though I was writhing in pain from the IV

I sat there rolled up in my maternity pillow and therapy blanket and I’m not a religious person but I sat there cried and prayed I said Hail Marys our fathers I begged and pleaded with the universe, I promised I would do anything to keep my child. I was a good person I helped people, I am kind I am generous. How could God take my baby from me when my abusive ex who had threatened to kill me and any new partner I fell in love with, strangled me several times held a knife to my throat had a perfectly healthy child. I begged I pleaded I prayed. At the end of this stay, god religion whatever you believe does not exist there is no fairness. I just cling to love and joy family good friends and life.

Again like doctors do they banged on my room for rounds stated you will be going for your ultrasound in an hour. I didn’t comprehend anything they said to me the midwife entered the room just a mask and kind eyes and I said what is going on? She said did the doctors not tell you? Your covid test is negative and there ready for you to come down to ultrasound to see nugget boy. I called Matthew tears of pure joy running down my face.

The PCA collected me in a wheelchair I just couldn't find the energy to walk. It was the young woman’s first day and she had no idea where ultrasound was, I said don’t worry I got you to let’s go.

I arrived and waiting an hour for the ultrasound that was ready for me know. I asked reception for a mask from politeness to others couldn't give two shits about anything as I was negative for the dumb virus anyway.

Finally called into ultrasound. I stated to the tech can I call my partner, she said I’ll talk to my supervisor, came back 5 minutes later and said only for the first 2 minutes, I just politely said Thankyou and dialled. The second the machine hit my stomach I saw him I had no idea what I was looking at it was just like a car that had been crushed into a cube I knew it was bad when the tech went quiet and left the room. Matt and I sat there in silence quiet tears running down my face we knew it was bad. The tech returned with the more senior tech, at that moment I was a thing an object they talked amongst themselves about how there was no fluid there was no clear vision of anything. But yet there was his little fluttering heart. He was still going strong.

It was long painful ultrasound bursitis and arthritis in my hips was near unbearable I was just so sensitive to pain which is not something I’m used too I normally can barely feel a thing until I’m at level 8 or 9 levels of pain and even then it’s hard to get me to take pain killers. Matthew and I stayed silent he said I will shower waiting for the doctor.

I went to the toilet and in seconds I could hear my name being called I ran out and went with my next angel The high-risk OB (HROB*)She sat me down and even with all her PPE I knew that look it’s as obvious as a deer in headlights. I paused and said before we start I need to call Matthew. He had jumped in the shower so it took him some time to respond. HROB started I’m so sorry.... that was all I needed to hear I don’t remember the words said next but Matthew has called back. HROB said I won’t say much more until Matthew was there as decisions needed to be made for our child. I had tears again I was out of breath I couldn't catch my breath with the goddamn mask on HROB gave me a minute as I had snot flying everywhere. I said can Matthew please please stay more than 2 hours she said no the government and police make those rules. I could barely stand

HROB asked someone I have no idea who but they basically held me up while walking back to the ward. Just waiting for the elevator I fell to the ground trying to get my breath.

I have no idea how but I made it to level 7 I said to the midwife wait for me I’m going to the fucking vending machine

I was taken back to my room which now I could move freely in and out of. Matthew knocked and the sense of love and relief I had at the moment was indescribable. We just sat down and held each other for hours no words needed to be said. At that point, there were no words.

Rainbow knocked she was so much more beautiful without the lab suit on.

She said I’ve got 10 minutes as I am now running up to my office Matthew you will stay the night I promise you.

Hours went by and then 3.30 came

HROB walked in we arranged the room.

The news was something no parent no human wants to hear.

Bubs our little peanut, nugget bean had a 1-5% chance of having completely normal anatomy and a normal or healthy quality of life.

The next sentence I’m sure nearly killed Matthew right then and there. HROB said bubs had 4 more days to go till viability. But with every second he was safe in my tummy it became more and more dangerous for me. The next words I don’t remember and I still can’t imagine the power. She said if you go into labour bubs would not live. And then if I got an infection I would only have a very small chance of survival many women quickly end up in ICU with sepsis and can die within minutes. She said if any tiny hint of infection set in we would not be given a choice. She made me promise if infection set in I would not refuse treatment and induction as bubs would 100% not survive and if I refused neither would I. It’s was Wednesday I think at that point. HROB left us to hopefully make the decision between a mother’s health and babies life. Of course, my instinct was baby. I asked Matthew he couldn't answer but I knew the look in his eyes and what it meant.

Matthew and I needed the connection we needed family we needed his son my beautiful bonus son. And they all answered it was the silver lining in a fucked up time bonus sons’ hiccups had my near in tears he sounded just like his brother's little hiccups. He was so happy to see daddy and cag cag ( his name for me) his smile lit up my heart and I just felt love just for a little while everything was okay. But then I saw my face in the camera view I started to get pale, I got pale, I pushed to stay on the phone as I just wanted to hold onto hope and joy. But then I fell behind Matthew and passed out in pain.

Not 2 hours later the choice was taken away I started to cramp, it came on thick and fast. The most intense pain I’ve ever felt. Whole-body convulsions I was rolling over and over again punching things screaming a primal scream that I didn’t recognize.

It was a blur from there for me the one memory I do have was Matthew pressing the buzzer furiously running up and down the halls trying to find someone to help finally they took a preemptive blood test ordered by a midwife. And then the morphine injection.

I had never seen my partner so angry so bossy, so in control. The young midwife just kept asking if I was ready.

Matthew lost it and said just do it she can’t talk she’s in pain just do it!

That injection felt like it went through my entire thigh through the other side. Matthew stated that the way I pulled away I nearly snapped the needle off into my thigh.

But then it’s was a blur I do recall the midwife coming in and stating there was an infection that had set in but it was mild and there was still hope.

We were moved to the assessment centre not long later.

Matthew passed out on the couch I was high as a kite on morphine and I just wanted cuddles and he said cass I need rest.

I spent much of my time with the international midwives guessing their accents apparently I did well. Then in passed out from being so tired.

Sleep evaded me as I discovered that morphine started to make me hallucinate. I was having night terrors quite frequently.

Finally, the morphine wore off and then the hunger kicked in

The midwife offered me the Doppler I said there’s no point it’s too painful.

Upon reflection he must have passed at this point as the vegemite craving kicked in all I wanted was a strong desire for vegemite sandwiches.

Then the moment came, the pain was starting to settle in but I was denied pain killers as I had to be clear-headed to sign my consent to induction.

One of the most delirious moments of my life one of trauma and sadness and even though this is just so new I still feel like I sentenced my darling Boy to death. I screamed I yelled I cried, I punched the bed. The pain started to set in again

Matthew said please let me sign it but as it was my body I had to.

I just couldn't do it I couldn't terminate my miracle child the child I was told I could never have conceived naturally.

Then Matt held me tight he begged and begged and cried he said you promised. bubs is gone I can’t lose both of you.

HROB just got frank she said I need to go but your choice is you sign this piece of paper or instead of losing one life we are losing two.

It took everything in me to go against every human value I hold dear but I signed.

I was then given more endone so I could relax.

I was rushed to the birthing suite by wheelchair, I couldn't stand on my own two feet let alone walk.

It was a fast process they said you have time for lunch so ordered as many dumplings as I desired. They came at me with that fucking canula again 3 pokes later I said go away I do not give you consent to touch me if I have to have IV antibiotics for 48 hours I will not spend it crying from a nasty painful IV

the dumplings arrived and they said it’s time hop on the bed we are inducing you. They said you will have plenty of time to eat. 3 times the usual dose they said we will increase the dose again in 3 hours.

I started on the dumplings I had been craving all day. I had 3

The pain came on thick, fast and nasty.

First was an endone tablet it worked as well as panadol. Then I was given the gas it worked for about the first 3 contractions they were not very far apart. I was right side up to upside down there was no comfortable position. The gas was just making me giddy and slowed my breathing I started getting angry all I wanted was time to eat I was starving. I pulled my shoulder trying to rip the bed rail off the bed. And then after a little, while I was ready I have no idea if I was dilated to the full but the midwife set the toilet up so I could sit and relax and push and there were towels to catch baby I had the gas and I had to be forced to take breathes as I just wanted to be high. I looked at myself in the mirror I looked tired but I could still see the strength in myself. Then the last few contractions hit and he didn't take long.

Bubs was breech and I cannot describe the feeling of giving birth there are no words.

I was moved to the bed to relax and give the final push it took mere seconds and he was out

The most heartwarming words came out of Matthews's mouth. Cassie, it’s a boy

High from the gas, I had a short break and then got to hold my darling boy in my arms

There are no words for the love I felt

Matthew and I looked at each other and said it’s our little Chester.

#birth story #stillborn #child death tw #controversial #pregnancy

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misssophiachase · 5 years ago

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With or Without You

For Klaroline AU Week - Day 4 - Enemies to Lovers

Rebekah is diagnosed with a virus and sent to the hospital for observation. To help stop the spread, the two people closest to her in the past two weeks need to self-quarantine. The problem is her best friend and her brother can’t stand each other. Forced to live in the same house, will they kill each other or do something entirely different before 14 days is up?

(Please note: I realise this is a difficult time and the subject matter is serious but this drabble is designed to be just a bit of fun during a tough time.)

“I can’t live with or without you.”

Day 3

“Honestly, Kat, I’m not sure if I can last much longer,” she groaned. “He sings in the shower, badly. he leaves the toilet seat up constantly and don’t get me started on his remote control form. He switches channels that fast I feel like I’m at a rave.”

Caroline lived in Los Angeles with Rebekah Mikaelson, they’d been friends for years. Her brother had shown up recently from London, where he was based, only for Rebekah to develop the virus. She was going to be okay but had been sent to hospital purely for observation purposes meaning they were imprisoned together as a precaution for fourteen whole days.

To say she wasn’t coping was an understatement.

“So, you haven’t had sex yet?” She asked matter-of-factly. Even though she was currently staring at Caroline through a computer screen, she still had the annoying ability to cut straight to the awkward part.

“Kat! She hissed, looking down the hall to check he wasn’t listening. “Your inappropriateness knows no bounds even via Skype.”

“The way I see it is the sooner you have sex, the frustration you feel towards each other and the situation will dissipate. And who knows? If the sex is good you’ll not only have something to do to pass the time but you’ll also be getting your required cardio.”

“Seriously,” she growled. “Is sex all you think about?”

“About 90 per cent of the day,” she quipped. “Tell me you have a better idea?”

“Ah, not to sleep with him because he’s an arrogant asshat who thinks the world revolves around him?”

“I don’t think, love, I know,” he called out. Unfortunately, she chose that exact moment to turn around and copped an eyeful.

“Wow, does he work out?” Kat cooed, obviously she’d had the privilege of seeing him too dressed only in a white towel tied low on his hips, his bare chest and six-pack on full display. Caroline felt her mouth go dry and was struggling to form words he looked that delicious.

“If you use all of the hot water again, Mikaelson, I swear I’ll come in there and..” she paused, realising what she’d alluded to.

“By all means, love,” he murmured, the dimple in his left cheek making an ill-timed appearance. “Maybe that way we can conserve water.”

“You are unbelievable,” she muttered. “Not if we were the last two people on the planet and we had to repopulate the earth.”

“Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me, Forbes,” he chuckled, shutting the bathroom door behind him.

“You are so screwed figuratively and literally, ” Kat laughed. Caroline didn’t respond knowing her friend was right.

She should have hated him, in fact she had since they met eleven years earlier. Caroline had befriended Rebekah during sophomore year at high school. They were both cheerleaders and had bonded over music and drama club.

Rebekah was new to her school, so too her brothers Kol, Elijah and Niklaus. The first two were polar opposites personality-wise but she got along with them famously. The problem was with Niklaus, or Klaus as he liked to be called.

They’d clashed from the outset. It started with a few stray insults and developed into more insults and pranks. Apparently everyone thought it was a passing phase but it wasn’t ending anytime soon.

However, being locked up with him in quarantine was doing all sorts of strange things to her. In fact, she was experiencing all these not-so innocent urges. She wanted to blame it on Kat’s innuendo or that fact he swanned around the house barely clothed but there was definitely something bigger at play here.

Day 5

“She keeps making me watch all of these bad movies, only cooks meals with weird and unidentified grains and apparently the living room is her personal gymnasium,” he complained.

Klaus Mikaelson didn’t do roommates and there was a very good reason why. He liked his space and he liked walking around partially naked but suddenly he was thrown into this quarantine situation which was a complete minefield.

“I said I’d only take this Skype call if you didn’t complain about Caroline Forbes, Niklaus, but yet here we are again,” Enzo growled. “You two need to get a room and pronto.”

“We have rooms, in fact, we have a whole house of rooms and yet that still isn’t enough distance between us,” he muttered. “I am going to go crazy locked up in here with her.”

“And the best dramatic Oscar performance goes to...”

“You would feel exactly the same way, Lorenzo,” he argued. “Caroline Forbes is nothing but a spoilt princess who thinks the world revolves around her.”

“I don’t think, I know, asshat,” she drawled finding her way into his room while repeating his sentiments from two days earlier. No doubt just to push his buttons that much more.

What Klaus wasn’t expecting was for her to look so wet doing it. Yes, she was wearing yellow, rubber gloves but her white t-shirt was soaked through revealing a very lacy bra and some rather pronounced nipples no doubt due to the temperature.

“Holy...” Enzo murmured before Klaus shut his laptop with a bang. He figured it was the least he could do to protect her innocence and it had absolutely nothing to do with jealousy whatsoever. Or that’s what he told himself.

“You’re here in my room...wet,” he mumbled, trying to look anywhere but exactly where his eyes wanted to go.

“I’m trying to clean up after your lazy ass,” she groaned. “You do realise how germs spread right? Maybe if you took better care to clean up after yourself then we wouldn’t be experiencing our current predicament.”

“I’m aware of our current predicament, trust me,” he shot back. “Since when did cleaning end in a drenching. I know you like me, Forbes, but I can see everything.” She looked down in complete shock, his comment having the desired effect.

“Unbelievable,” she muttered, pulling off her wet gloves and throwing them in his direction before leaving his room, no doubt to change her top.

“I’m the one who’s spreading germs?” He cried out, attempting to remove the dirty gloves from the bed.

Klaus and Caroline had never gotten along in the eleven years they’d known each other. Klaus decided from the outset that Rebekah truly was evil bringing her into his life and home. Caroline had this annoying ability to get under his skin and Klaus unfortunately let her.

His friends and brothers told him it was because he liked her deep down. Sure she was hot. there was no denying that, but he’d prided himself on maintaining his distance. Well, that was until he was forced to live in such close quarters for two whole weeks.

His willpower was waning and Klaus wasn’t sure he could go the distance.

Day 7

“Would you stop switching channels so fast, it makes it a little difficult to see what’s actually on,” she offered, rolling her eyes as she said it.

They were seated on the couch, the long, uneventful days were taking their toll and the fact they still had another week to go wasn’t doing much for their morale.

“There’s nothing on so it doesn’t really matter,” he replied in frustration. “I’m so bored! And if you dare suggest cleaning again I will confiscate your rubber gloves.”

“Well, what else is there to do?” She mumbled. “And please spare me from running around the place half naked again, I’d like to keep down my dinner.”

“Come on, you secretly love my naked form,” he smirked. Her tell-tale blush was giving her away instantly. “You know I’m not that bad once you get to know me.”

“Funny, the past week hasn’t unearthed any new or redeemable features that I can tell,” she answered.

“Just so you know those little insults of yours don’t offend me in the slightest bit so please just give it a break, Forbes.”

“Well, what do you suggest we do to pass the time?” She asked, obviously not realizing just how loaded her question was.

They were seated on the couch, only a few feet apart, if either of them were to just lean forward they could do something really stupid. Or really fun, depending on who you asked.

“Fine,” she said, reading his mind. “But if we do this, don’t think this means I like you in any way, Mikaelson,” she clarified.

“The feeling is mutual, trust me, sweetheart,” he agreed. They paused momentarily almost as if they were thinking about the very prominent line they were about to cross and weighing up the pros and cons.

It didn’t take much consideration as he pulled her greedily towards him so she was straddling his lap. Caroline never knew just how crimson his lips were from this vantage point, Klaus was thinking the same about her blue eyes.

He ran his hands along her cheek, his thumbs rubbing circles over her skin. Her heart was racing and given she was practically touching his chest she knew his was too.

There was no going back.

His lips found hers, slowly at first almost like he was taking his time to discover every inch of her mouth. She moaned against him as his tongue dipped into her warmth. She tasted like a heady mixture of mint and chocolate from dessert and now Klaus had tasted her once he wasn’t ready to give her up anytime soon.

Caroline grasped his neck, her fingers playing with the stray curls at the nape as she melted into his kisses. Klaus knew it wouldn’t be long given just how much he’d wanted her all these years.

He stood up, and wound her toned legs around his waist, careful not to break contact. They made their way quickly to the bedroom excited for what was in store.

Turns out the sex continued longer than seven days and also out of quarantine. In fact, the sex turned into dating and the dating turned into an engagement. At their wedding, Kat, Rebekah and Enzo regaled the guests with stories about how they got together when they were forced together in lockdown.

Who said quarantine was necessarily a bad thing?

#kcauweek2020 #klaroline fanfiction #klaroline drabbles #misssophiachase #day 4 #enemies to lovers #with or without you #this was so much fun

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chierei · 4 years ago

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Job Hunting for Dummies

I am in a school program where I spent 80% of my time learning how to get a job. While this might not work for non-specialized jobs, but if you are looking at a more targeted field, this will get you a job much easier than dropping a ton of application. Again, this works best if you are looking for a targeted job and even better, if you are a student. This entire process is detailed in Steve Dalton’s The 2-Hour Job Search but I’m basically going to give you what you need to do to get a job you will like (or at least not hate).

First, make a LAMP list. LAMP stands for List, Advocacy, Motivation, and Postings. Open an Excel Spreadsheet and just list those four things as columns. Or use this template that I am giving you. (Please save a copy for yourself)

1. List: Make a list of every company you can think off in your industry. If you are looking for only in an area, search only in that area. Use things like LinkedIn, Crunchbase, or plain-old Google. Just, make a list. Get at least 40 companies. Do NOT research the companies. Just write down the names in an excel spreadsheet.

2. Advocacy: Now, you are going to look to find companies where you can find an Advocate. This might be friends or family, friends of a friends, friends of family. This might be someone who went to your college--whether undergraduate or masters. The easiest way to do this is LinkedIn. Use the search function for LinkedIn and then filter for your school/organization and then search, company by company, to see if you have any alumni at all at those companies. Fill out the spreadsheet on a simply Yes/No Basis. Don’t research more. Just is there someone there vaguely connected to me in some way? Yes or no.

3. Postings: Now, look at each of these companies and then on a scale of 1-3, give them each a score. 3 means that they have a current posting up for a job you that want. 2 means they have jobs posted but not for what you want. And 1 means no postings at all.

4. Motivation: On a scale of 0-3, rate each company on how much you want a job with them. If you know nothing about a company, rate it as 0.

Now look at your list. You have 40 companies, at least, where you might find a job. Remember that. There are options.

Now, in Excel, you are going to use multi-level sorting in this order:

Motivation: Highest to lowest Postings: Highest to lowest Advocacy: Z to A

Now, focus on your Top 10 only for now. Maybe, as your search goes on, look at your top 15, but from experience, you should be able to get something in your top 10.

Next, the entire idea behind this exercise to to find companies to reach out to. Yes. This means networking, and yes, it sucks. I hate networking. HATE. But, sadly, this is the fastest way to get a job. They say that 70-85% of jobs are found through networking. You are better off spending your time networking than spamming out applications.

Now, starting at the top, you are going to go company by company. Find one person at each company that is somehow connected to you--whether it’s a friend of the family or an alumni from your school. Try to find someone likely younger and in the position you are interested in. If you don’t have anyone connected at that company, you can take two routes: pick someone who has the job you want and cold email or you can take a longer route by trying to wrangle an introduction from outside that organization. I personally do the former.

These are your potential advocates. Now, this is how you can be creepy, but you are going to *find* their emails. Use Hunter.io and it’ll help you find work emails based on name and company. If they aren’t there, you can blindly guess as most company follow this pattern: [email protected]

Now, you are going to write each of these people an email. I suggest one person per company at the moment so you don’t get cluttered.

Next, draft an email to each of these people. These are what we call a 6-point email, because they are very short and consist of six points. They all follow this format:

Subject: Your experience at (company name)

Dear (name of person),

My name is (your name) and I am a (student/friend/etc) of (university name/friend name). I am interested in the work you have been doing at (company name), especially in (something specific that they have been working on). Are you able to have a short call with me to chat about your work and career in the next week?

Regards, (your name)

And that’s it. Three sentences and two of them will be identical for every single email you send.

And the reason we call this the 2-Hour Job Search is because from start (making your list) to sending the last email, it shouldn’t take more than 2-hours.

Now, two things can happen.

One: The person responds and says they’d love to have a chat. If you can do this in person, even better, but by phone or video-chat is perfectly fine. Set up a 30-minutes slot to chat with them. Reach their LinkedIn before that chat and come prepared with questions.

Now, this chat is what we call an informational interview. Do not ask for a job. DO NOT ASK FOR A JOB. We call this an informational because the goal is to gain information from this person. People love to talk about themselves, so give them this chance. You can learn more about information interviews here, but I usually do 2-4 minutes of small-talk, ask them about their journey to how they got their current job, and then start doing a deeper dive. End the conversations with “Are there any resources or advice you’d give me as I try to get into this industry?” or something similar.

What is the goal of this entire thing? It’s that you want a referral from them to someone else. Do not ask for a referral on the phone, but if they bring it up, say thank you. After the call ends, within 24 hours, send a thank you email, and this is when you can ask for a referral. The thank you email should be short, like this:

Dear (name),

Thank you for taking the time to talk with me yesterday. I really enjoyed our conversation about (something specific you talked about). I am very interested in (some function/role/area of study), and I would like to learn more. Is there anyone in your company that would be willing to talk with me?

Thanks, (Your name)

It is better if they introduce you through email directly (which most will do) but others may just give you an email. If they give just an email, in your introduction, make sure to say who referred you to them.

So, if all goes well, they introduce you to someone and you start this entire thing over, slowly making your way through the company. The hope is that when a position opens up or after you’ve applied, your contacts in the company will come to you about the job. Or, when you apply, you can name a list of employees you’ve talked to and how they’ve made you want this job. Or maybe, your interviewer will be one of these people you’ve already spoken to.

Optional: If you had a great conversation that you actually liked, you can follow-up with this person maybe 2-4 weeks later and ask for another chat.

The other thing that can happen is that they don’t respond. Don’t worry. People are busy, and emails get lost. You are to follow up twice. Once after three (3) business days and again after five (5) business days. Reply to your original email and just say:

Dear (name),

I wanted to follow up with the below. Are you available this week for a talk? I am free at (offer 2-3 times you are available.)

Thanks, (Your name)

If they don’t respond after your second follow-up, don’t email again. That lead is dead. Find another contact and try this all over again. (If you are super organized, you can start working on another contact at day 3.) Sometimes dead-ends do bear fruit though! I’ve had emails sent back to me months later with them apologizing for the delay or lost email and would love to chat still.

And that’s it. Repeat until you find something. You should not be spending more than 30 minutes a day on job hunting. If you are doing one informational interview a week, that’s enough. It’s easy to get burnt out, so spread them out and talk to people that you actually want to talk to because they are doing cool shit.

Results: I have received two job offers using this method. I thought it was dumb, but I chugged along. I have found two job offers during COVID-19 where companies are mostly under a hiring freeze. I had one company lift their hiring freeze for me and create a position just for me. It took me three months, which is about double the time it should take, but we are under special circumstances. I have had several other companies say that they would have offered me something if they were hiring. I have had companies email me afterwards to see if I am still available, because they have posted a job I could be interested in. I have friends who have found jobs in under a month using this method during peak recruiting.

Final tips:

Set a reminder in your calendar for your 3-day and 5-day (called 3D5D) reminders. They can start getting confusing when you have a few things going on.

Focus on what you like. Reach out to people who sound interesting. It’ll help the conversation feel more natural. It became a lot more natural when I reframed the conversation as “What can I learn from them?” as opposed to “What can they do for me?”

You won’t vibe with everyone and that’s okay.

Be prepared to answer this: “Tell me about yourself.” Spend less than 2 minutes on this intro--just give your background, what you do, what you love, or what you are interested in. If you need more help creating your pitch, here is a great video.

This is the quick-and-dirty version of this, but it’s all in the book The 2-Hour Job Search. Steve Dalton is a cool dude who wrote this book because he’s an awkward bean and making this step-by-step guide helped him. I hope this was helpful to you, and if you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask me!

Lastly, assume positive intent! <3

Networking sucks. But it does work. I have severe anxiety over meeting strangers and phone calls, but this is formulaic which helps.

And it feels contrived, because it is. But try to focus on the idea that you want to learn from these strangers and not get a job, and that helps the interactions be more normal.

And happy job hunting!

#job hunting #job hunting advice #how to find a job #networking #jobsearch #job search #life advice

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freedom-of-writing · 5 years ago

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You’re all I want, all I need

Chapter 1 - I’m ready now

Chapter 2 - The 13th clan

Chapter 3 - Soulmates

Chapter 4 - Your enemy is our enemy

Chapter 5 - Costia

Chapter 6 - The calm before a storm

Chapter 7 - Hurts like hell

Chapter 8: Shouldn’t be a good in goodbye

“Clarke...” Abby calls her gently as she comes to stand next to her daughter.

Clarke doesn’t move, she just stands there looking down blankly. For how creepy it might sound, she has spent the entire night in the medical center by Lexa’s side, never once letting go of her limp hand. Abby’s not sure whether Clarke is holding onto Lexa to feel like she’s still here somehow, or just in the desperate hope of being able to transfer some warmth back into her cold body. Looking in her daughter’s eyes, though, she’s not even sure Clarke has any reason at all. Her eyes are cast down, but not quite looking at Lexa’s figure. Those blue orbs that had been so full of life just the day before, as she and Lexa were holding each other so lovingly, are now completely empty. They say the eyes are the mirror of the soul, and maybe it’s true. Because Clarke cannot feel a thing right now, she’s just empty.

Abby gently places a hand on her daughter’s forearm in an attempt to get some kind of reaction from her. In a way it works, because Clarke murmurs something to her. Abby almost misses it, because Clarke speaks without raising her head, and her voice is very low.

“We should take her back to the capital. Her people deserve a chance to say goodbye properly.”

“Okay.” Abby lowers her hand slowly, until it’s resting on Clarke and Lexa’s joined ones. She waits a second there without moving. When she’s positive Clarke won’t object, she takes hold of her daughter’s hand, and she pull it away from Lexa’s. To be honest, Abby was hoping such a move would earn her some kind of protest from her daughter. Anything, really. But Clarke does nothing, and it breaks Abby’s heart to see her kid so lost and broken. She caresses the top of Clarke’s hand with her thumb for a moment before talking.

“The funeral ceremony is starting in a moment. Do you think you can come say one last goodbye to your people? Hers and yours. Both the grounders and our people would appreciate you being there.” It’s a good thing Abby’s staring closely at Clarke, or she would’ve missed the almost imperceptible nod she gives her in response. With that Abby starts walking towards the door bringing her daughter out of the room along with her.

As soon as Clarke is out in the main yard, where a funeral pile has been set, Octavia and Raven rush towards her to bring her in for a hug. The broken girl doesn’t move, though. She doesn’t return the embrace, and she doesn’t even seem to acknowledge the presence of her friends. Her gaze is simply staring blankly at somewhere in front of her. Octavia and Raven look at her worriedly for a moment, and then they turn to Abby in a silent question of how Clarke is holding on. The woman’s eyes water as she shakes her head sadly, because her daughter isn’t holding on at all. She’s falling to pieces, and Abby doesn’t know what to do to help.

As Commander of Death, it is Clarke honor to light the pyre on fire. It’s one of Lexa’s general to pass her the torch. Clarke takes it without acknowledging what she’s doing. Her hand takes the torch from the man, and her legs begin to move towards the pyre, but it’s all on their accord. Her muscles are moving automatically, as if they remember what to do from that time she had to burn Finn’s body in TonDC. Suddenly, Clarke finds herself in front of an enormous pyre, above which are settled the bodies of hundreds of dead warriors. Everyone’s eyes are on her. Many of the warriors are surprised to see the supposedly mighty Wanheda looking so vulnerable and broken, but most people are now aware of her feelings for the Lexa. Somehow, Clarke manages to hold her head up high, and to mutter in the most commander-like tone she can master: “Yu gonplei ste odon.” She doesn’t remember herself lowering the torch on the pyre, but a moment later all she can see in front of her eyes are its flames.

After the ceremony, Lexa's generals, Clarke, Abby, and Kane reunite in the council room to discuss how to bring the Commander's body back to Polis. They also need to decide who of the Sky People is going to go to the capital to attend the ceremony. It takes them a good half an hour to come to an agreement. Clarke doesn't say a single word, she just stands there in a corner of the room, staring blankly at the arguing people. No one tries to ask for her opinion, both because they know she wouldn’t answer, and because they're not even sure she's hearing anything they’re saying. In the end, the grounder warriors give in, and they agree that the safest way to transport the body is with the Skaikru's rover. Kane will drive, and Abby will be in the car with him, while Clarke will be riding her horse alongside the generals. Wanheda’s presence was never in question, as per Kane he was chosen to take part in the funeral ceremony because he’s the assigned leader of the 13th clan. With a bit of insistence, Abby was able to convince the generals to let her come as well, because she didn’t want to leave Clarke alone as she's mourning Lexa's death.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clarke is standing by her horse, putting the last of her things in the saddlebags, when a man approaches her from behind.

"You know, I might have a way for you to see your precious Commander again..."

Jaha. It's been forever since she last saw the man. Not that she’s missed his presence, that is. Clarke knew he wasn't completely normal when he started talking about a City of Light he planned to find, but this… this is a whole new level of craziness. Something in her eyes must have given away what she's thinking, because the man, who is now standing in front of her, immediately adds: "You think I'm crazy… but I'm not. There's this place, the City of Light, where there's no death. Everyone who died on this Earth is there. I've seen it myself."

"You're high."

"I'm not. I've never been more sober." With that Jaha takes something from his pants pocket, and hands it to Clarke. It looks like some sort of chip. Clarke eyes it for a moment before looking back at Jaha, as if to ask what the hell she is supposed to do with that thing.

"I just want to help you, Clarke. Take it. It's the key to the City of Light. You just have to swallow it. Then, you close your eyes, and just focus on the person you want to see again. Before you know it, you’ll find yourself in this virtual world that knows no death. Everyone you’ve lost here… will be there waiting for you.”

“That easy, eh? Thanks, but I’m not taking that thing.” She says harshly.

“Well… that’s a pity.” He states before putting the chip back into his pocket. “Her death doesn’t have to be the end, Clarke.”

Don’t be afraid, Clarke. Death is not the end.

“Shut up!” She’s not even sure whether she’s saying it to Jaha, or to the voice inside her head repeating Lexa’s words.

“You’re just afraid, Clarke.”

Don’t be afraid, Clarke.

“I said shut up!” She cries out shaking her head in order to get rid of the small voice that’s haunting her mind. The man realizes he must’ve touched a sore spot, but he doesn’t let Clarke’s words stop him from placing the chip in Clarke’s hand.

“What are you doing?! I don’t want your stupid key to this damn City of Light!”

“Yes, you do.” With that, Jaha closes Clarke’s hand around the chip, and he turns to go back inside the walls of Arkadia.

Clarke stares at him for a while before turning back to her horse, and raising her hand over her head to throw the chip into the woods. She’s about to let it go, when she remembers another conversation she and Lexa had right before the battle.

What I can promise is that I'm going to do anything in my power to come back to you, ai hodness.

I’ll do anything in my power to come back to you too.

Maybe she should keep the chip with her. If Jaha is right, it might be her only way to get back to Lexa as she promised.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Once in Polis, Lexa’s body is cleaned by a few handmaids, and redressed in clean clothes. A small altar is built in the throne room, so that the Nightbloods and the clan leaders can say their own personal goodbyes to the late Commander before the public ceremony begins.

The second Clarke enters the room, the youngest Natblida rush towards her to embrace her tightly in a group hug. Abby and Kane, who are standing by the doors, are shocked by how much affection these children are showing for Clarke. But what surprises them the most is that, in this moment, Clarke’s eyes don’t look as blank and lost as before. They are suddenly filled emotion, with love, and Abby wants to cry because she was really beginning to think she’d never see life in those beautiful blue eyes again. It’s clear to her and Marcus that a lot of things have changed when Clarke was here in Polis, before the battle. Clearly in that week, she and the Nightbloods had formed a strong bond.

When the first group of children lets her go, another group of older-looking kids moves to hug her. They take their time, each one patiently waiting for their turn to embrace the Sky girl. The last one to move is a boy whom Clarke addresses as Aden. Something in the way the two of them hold each other lets Abby and Kane image he must be one Clarke is closest to. They can barely see his face from they’re standing by the doors, but it’s enough for them to notice he’s trying hard to hold back his tears. Once more, Kane and Abby are surprised by the change of attitude displayed by Clarke. She does not look broken anymore, but rather it looks like she’s trying to act as strong as possible for these kids standing in front of her. It’s such a mother-like action to put her pain aside momentarily, in order to infuse strength into these children and teens she obviously loves so much.

Once all the Nightbloods, including Aden, are done greeting Clarke, Titus makes his presence noticed. He’s kept to the side all the time, but now he moves from his spot to go speak to Clarke.

“I believe the Natblida have something for you, Wanheda.”

At those words, Clarke turns to look at the kids questioningly. No one seems to want to say a thing, until it’s Aden to clear his throat asking for attention. When Clarke looks at him, Aden holds out a knife, offering it to her. At first, she doesn’t understand what’s going on, but then it clicks.

“Lexa’s knife.” She whispers in surprise. “Doesn’t it belong to the one of you who’ll be the next Commander?”

“It does.” Aden smiles softly at her before adding: “We’ve talked about it, and… we’ve all agreed it should be yours.” Clarke knows that by “all” they do not mean Titus as well, and the look of disapproval on the man’s face is proving her right.

While Clarke is looking at Titus, Aden comes to stand right in front of her. Still holding out the knife, he continues. “So whenever you use it it’ll be like Lexa is protecting you.” Murmurs of agreement come from the other Natblida when he takes Clarke’s hand to pass her the knife.

Clarke is at a loss of words. All she can do is stand there looking at the knife Aden has just placed in her hand. When her gaze comes up again to look at the kids, her eyes are wet with tears, but she doesn’t let them fall. Her voice shakes with emotion when she finally manages to say something. “Mochof.” Thank you.

The emotional moment, though, is soon interrupted by a guard, who enters the room to announce it’s time for the ceremony. With him are other three guards, carrying a wooden stretcher. As gently as it can be expected by four warriors, they move Lexa’s body onto the stretcher, and then they lift it up to place it on their shoulders. They exit the room first, with everyone else in tow, and they walk to the main square where a pyre is ready. The crowd of grounders is standing in a circle around it, but leaving enough space for all of the clan leaders to stand on the step that was built all around the pyre. Roan is there too, having been nominated King of Azgeda in the wake of his mother’s death. Each clan leader is holding a torch. Since Lexa was the Commander of the 13th clans, they should all have the honor to light the funeral pyre on fire. Clarke and Titus receive their torches as well. Since they are the Commander of Death and the Flamekeeper, they are to be considered at the same level as the clan leaders.

When Lexa’s body is adjusted above the pyre, and everyone is in place, Titus raises his hand asking for attention. He waits for the people around them to fall silent, and then he speaks.

“People of Polis, members of the Coalition, it is with a sad heart that we stand here today to say goodbye to our beloved Commander. I’m sure you all can agree when I say Lexa was special. She was a visionary, and no Commander before had ever been as wise as her. She believed in a world where we could live in peace, united as one. It is now our duty to keep this union alive, in honor of her hard work.” He pauses for a moment as the crowd is cheering. When everyone grows quiet again, he concludes. “Yu gonplei ste odon, Leksa kom Trikru. Gonplei kom Heda kigon feva.”

Your fight is over, Lexa of the Tree People. The Commander's fight goes on.

“Yu gonplei ste odon, Heda.” The crowd exclaims in chorus.

“Maybe Wanheda wishes to say something as well…” Titus offers looking at the woman standing next to him. Clarke nods gratefully before turning to glance at Kane, standing in the circle with the other clan leaders. He looks back at her questioningly, but when she starts talking, he understands.

“I’d like to say something on behalf of people. It’s our way of bidding farewell to the ones we have passed away.” She waits for Kane to catch up, so they can say the next words together. Joined by Abby, who’s standing in the crowd behind them.

“In peace, may you leave the shore. In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels, until our final journey on the ground. May we meet again.”

And with that, they all lower their torches to light the pyre on fire, and they step away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It’s sunset when the last of the flames has died down. A pile of ashes is all that’s left of Lexa’s body and of the wood that formed the pyre. Everyone is gone back to their homes, except for Aden and Clarke. They are the only ones left in the square. They stand there, silently staring at the fuming ashes, for what feels like an eternity. When at last, Aden makes a move to turn and leave, the sound of Clarke’s voice stops him in his tracks.

"Why is there a good in goodbye…?” She asks looking up at the boy for a second. She knows Aden doesn’t understand what she’s trying to say, so she continues. “I mean, there's absolutely nothing good about it. It's like… whenever we say goodbye, it just feels like something bad that's going to get even worse. Like a storm that’s never ending, or like that last moment of composure before the inevitable break. It's not gracious, and it's definitely not meant to give you hope that something good might come out of that moment. A goodbye is just the proof that you're already drowning. And the worst part is that you haven’t even hit the bottom of that ocean floor yet."

When she’s done, Clarke moves her gaze back on Aden, to see if he understands what means now. He does. The boy gives her a small nod of agreement. Then he turns his head to look down at Lexa’s ashes.

“You’re right. There shouldn't be a good in goodbye." And with that, he finally turns to walk towards the tower, leaving Clarke alone.

Author’s note: I know, i know. That last speech from Clarke makes little to no sense, but here’s the song it was inspired from. Hopefully reading/listening to it will help you understand the meaning.

Jason Walker – Shouldn’t Be a Good in Goodbye

After the silence, After the last words. Caught in the silence. Caught in between.

After the madness. After the slow shock. Before the wave hits, The flood comes rushing in.

This is the bad before the worse. This is the storm before the storm. I haven't even hit the bottom of this ocean floor. This is the bend before the break. This is the mercy not the grace. This is the proof, and not the faith I try to find. There shouldn't be a good in goodbye.

If I never loved you, If I never felt your kiss. If I never had you. I know that I... I still would have mourned you. I would have missed your smile. If it wasn't so worth it, This wouldn't be... Oh, this wouldn't be

The bad before the worse. And the storm before the storm. I haven't even hit the bottom of this ocean floor. This is the bend before the break. This is the mercy not the grace. This is the proof and not the faith I try to find. There shouldn't be a good in goodbye.

I know this is gonna get better, oh. I know this is gonna get better, oh. I know...

This is the bitter not the sweet. This is the take, and not the keep. And I haven't even reached the bottom of this ocean floor. This is the bend before the break. This is the mercy not the grace. This is the proof and not the faith I try to find. There shouldn't be a good in goodbye.

Yeah. There shouldn't be good in goodbye. There shouldn't be a good in goodbye.

Chapter 9 - The Conclave

#clexa #The 100 #lexa kom trikru #clarke griffin #fan fiction #fanfic

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talonsandleaves · 5 years ago

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7. Broken Hearts Club Is Open For The Season!

Happy Monday! Right now, I am alone at the lab writing this. Don’t judge me! I have to wait an hour for something to be ready to work more. I will than finish the entry at home and post it.

My name is Nora and I am definitely not ready for adult life mixed with teen drama!

How was your weekend? Mine was... interesting? I GOT MY FIRST PAYCHECK! It’s not much because I am just tutoring for two hours per week. The girls are excited about learning more but one of them... well, I think her homework was entirely made using google translator. I will need to talk to her mother soon if she keeps doing it.

I am having trouble in the German class. Apparently, now the director wants us to have our tests without being told the day. I mean, it would be okay if it wasn’t for the fact that we are all in university and sometimes can’t go to class because of other exams and papers we have to deliver... This is just very disrespectful to all of us because we have been there for more than 5 years and there is no understanding of our effort. Student’s life is tough!

That friend I talked about on my last entry, who I decided to name Will to get this awful decision off of my shoulders, is being a pain in my neck! I just got a text from him saying he is all by himself and that no one cares...

I swear that if I find him one of these days I am going to murder him. I DO CARE ABOUT HIM AND THE ASSHOLE DOESN’T EVEN APPRECIATE IT! I feel really disappointed with Will. Some people are just unbearable and impossible to change. And I am still trying to help despite all of that... No comments.

Another thing that happened during the last few days was Summer not looking quite like herself. I think it’s okay for me to say it here. I mean the names are changed and also no one in my life knows this online diary exists so...

Summer looks so sad today that I am considering preparing something for us to do at the end of the next week. I am quite busy until I am done with a test I have in a week. I have already done all the exercises to prepare myself during the weekend but I will repeat them all again and again just to practice more.

But back to Summer... Nick is traveling and they kept talking online but apparently, he has been kind of ignoring her in the past three days. I told her he can be online but busy talking to someone and that she should just be patient and wait because he will certainly answer when he has time to do so... But part of me is wondering if I am not keeping my hopes high for nothing.

Summer is sad for all of this but the only thing I got out of her was “he could at least tell me what he really wanted so that I wouldn’t be waiting for him. I could see other guys and I am probably focused on him for nothing”. She is not like this! I know that! And I asked to meet me for a coffee in the afternoon. She needs it!

Also, I put up with a lot from Lucas during the weekend. Unfortunately, things are starting to be a bit too much for him and my mom took him to the doctor. He has to take medication now and supposedly slow down because of the stress and sadness and driving him crazy and he might even need to increase the dose. Still, he went to Vicky’s house the entire 3 days he was at home. My mom could not stop him and he came back with a look close to a person standing at a funeral. I really don’t know how to help and he keeps picking that girl instead of us and we are doing everything in our power to reduce his problems and worries.

I also started talking to someone this weekend and I guess I am getting better at making new friends because he thinks I am quite funny. YES! Finally, someone says it!

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c0nques7 · 5 years ago

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Unfuck your life, a retrospective

Chapter One: Un-f Your Head

A special kind of person has special kind of problems. My flavor that had to be dealt with was narcissism. I would start drinking and then talk for hours, just to hear the sound of own voice. People would listen because I was a gifted orator, not because the words connected to provide any substance.

Hopefully after reading the intro and doing some reflecting you’ve come to find yourself ready to begin the hard work towards making your life better, but before we get started, you have to make one promise that you’ll carry through the entirety of this book -

If your doctor says to do something that is contrary to any of my recommendations, you listen to your doctor instead of me.

I am not a doctor by any stretch of the imagination, and as you'll see later on, I have also had to reach out to medical professionals when the nature of my problem went outside the realm of what I could attain myself. You promise you’ll go to them when things get really tough, right? Right? Okay cool, lets begin.

First things first. You’re going to need to spend some time with yourself, thinking, exploring, crying, etc. Some of it you’ll do by yourself, some of it you’ll do with dear friends or spouses, and some of it will come off a drunken 2 day weekend bender and you’re so sorry for it please god stay friends with me. Trust me, I’ve been to all of these places. The purpose of all of this is to take some time, get a feel for who you are, what you like, don’t like, your good, bad and otherwise. Grab something you can take notes on, and start here. Write down 5 things you like about yourself. It can be as simple as “I’m great about remembering to lay down the toilet seat” or as complex as “My confidence going into the Calc 3 final.” The reason we’re going with the good first is that you need to CONSTANTLY remind yourself of the things that you like about yourself. Can’t think of anything? Ask a friend. Don’t have any friends? Ask your mom or dad. Don’t have any parents? Jesus, I’m sorry, tweet me and I’ll help you with this part.

Once you have those down, put them somewhere you’ll see them every day. I used to have mine as my cell phone background. I used to also be studying for a computer certification, and every time I’d score over a 70%, I’d write on the piece of paper, “Good job Joe!” in a cool color, and it was forever in my study journal, so that every time I’d review, I’d remember how good I was at this stuff.

The reason behind all of this is that with how deep we’re going to go into making positive change, you need to have the foundation of confidence knowing that we’re working with a good person, not a shit person who is hopeless. If you are reading this right now, you are not a shit person, because you are at least trying.

The next thing we’re going to do is write out 3 things you don’t like about yourself. Now, when you get into this, make sure you’re writing something down that you have a measure of control over. If you were born with a birth defect, or have a mental illness, don’t write down the symptoms of those things as the focus of your change. These need to be more along the lines of, “I wish I was more outgoing”, or “I wish I didn’t talk badly about people behind their backs.” or even, “I wish I was better at coding/reading/being empathetic.”

Full disclosure, when I went through weekly therapy after my divorce, there were so many problems that we had to unpack and dig through that tackling only 3 problems seemed like a waste of time, but what I’ve found out is that depending on where you are emotionally in this process, 3 might be all you can handle. If you wanna do more, and address more, then by all means, go for it.

Every week, remind yourself of the things you want to change, remind yourself of the things that you like about yourself, and then finally write down how you can correlate the things you like about yourself with the things you want to change. For example, I’m really good at being able to gather lots of information, and one of the things I’m working on is trying to stick to a budget, so I’ve been trying to gather as much financial information about myself as possible to better understand when I spend, why I spend, and try different ways of budgeting so that I’m not overextending myself. This part is going to take some time, and I recommend only attempting one per week at first until you get the hang of it.

Now, because it’s the elephant in the room, we’re going to go ahead and jump into the subject of drugs, what I would be a healthy guideline to follow regarding their use (as long as your doctor gives the okay), and I’ll provide what I use/don’t use, so hopefully you’ll be more informed than just your 1hr DARE class you attended 10 years ago. I wish that people had been real with me about drugs. We’re going to be roping alcohol in with drugs, because saying drugs and alcohol is like saying fruit and watermelon. It’s all drugs, with varying pros, cons and usages.

The drugs I’ve used/tried are as follows:

Adderall (I have a prescription for it, I’ll go into that later.)

Very low dose antidepressant (Prescription too. Haven’t noticed any mood changes with it, but my doctor recommended it for sleep, and it seems to be working. Gives me dry mouth.

Weed. Didn’t start smoking until I was 26, only smoked when I was really stressed out, had a period of a month where I was a daily smoker, now I try and stay away from it. It’s illegal where I’m from, so it’s best to stay away from things that could get me in trouble with the law.

Alcohol. Used to use it for stress release, now I only have a beer every once in a while, or an expensive tequila. Don’t like the way it makes me feel after more than 2 or 3 drinks. Brings out the worst in everyone, I’ve found.

Kratom. Only used in very small doses. Dried me out, but I did notice a very relaxing effect, and improved sexual performance on certain strains. The DEA is trying to make it illegal, so be careful with this one.

Kava. Root based tea that chilled me out. I highly recommend. Tastes like dirt. Get the powder, take your time making it, don’t mess with the concentrates or anything other than Noble powder.

We’ll touch on these again in the next chapter, but for now here’s what I want you to get real about.

Does my usage of drugs push me closer towards the things I like about myself, or towards the things I don’t like about myself? It’ll take some time to answer that, and it’ll take even longer to kick the habits and/or addictions associated if you decide the answer to be no.

In my case, I always knew I had issues with focus, we made jokes about it, I laughed along, but I always felt like a failure who was letting everyone around me down because I couldn’t finish anything I started. After getting into another serious relationship after my divorce I decided that the stakes were much higher this time around, and I wanted my promises to be not only remembered, but kept and followed through with. At this point I decided it was time to talk to my doctor, who then referred me to a psychiatrist who recommended I try a low dose of adderall. For me, it was a game changer. The problem with acquiring anything illegally is yes, you can go to jail, be fined, etc, but more importantly, you’re not doing something that can be monitored. Part of your doctors job is and should be supplying you with objectivity. Yes, yes, big pharma and “The Man” have gotten to your doctor and are causing him/her to prescribe things that fuck with your brain. If you’ll take off your tin-foil hat for a second, and finish your blunt, I’m going to level with you. Weed can make you paranoid, and if you’re smoking a lot, stop for a week, re-read this chapter and then reach out to me if you still wanna argue about the pros and cons of having a good, open, honest dialogue with your healthcare provider.

All of the drugs I’ve tried produced a result in my self-talk that made me decide, was this thing I’m putting in my body worth it? For some, no, for others, sometimes, and for yet still others, absolutely yes.

Except for heroin. Not even once.

The last thing I want to leave you with in this chapter is a plan for how to handle when you fall off the bandwagon, or miss the mark on your goals. Remember this from the intro?

The most important part of the process is accepting that you can change, you want to change, and you make the daily steps to change.

I know it wasn’t that long ago that you read it, but it’s worth repeating. I remember when I first began to tackle my relationship with alcohol, it was absolutely the hardest thing I’d ever done. I spent more time off the wagon than I spent going anywhere. Countless nights where, “oh I’ve had a rough day, I’ll just have one drink” turned into “ah so this is what the bottom of a bottle of Jose Quervo looks like. I’d forgotten for a moment.”. Shit happens, but you’re tougher than the shit you’re going through. We’re going to focus on a 5-10% change in your life every month. Absolutely keep reading, but remember, the 5-10% changes are going to be the easiest to make, with the longest lasting impact. Now get to it!

Action Items from This Chapter:

Write Down 5 Things You Like About Yourself:

Write Down 3 Things You Don’t Like About Yourself:

Write Down 1 Thing You’re Going To Change About Yourself, Using The Things You Like About Yourself.

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whiskynottea · 7 years ago

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An interruption in the 1st law of thermodynamics.

I’m sorry for the slight delay, but I’m back, trying to make amends with a long chapter!! Thank you all so much for the love you give to this story!!

Previously Chapter 1 Chapter 2 Chapter 3 Chapter 4 Chapter 5 Chapter 6 Chapter 7 Chapter 8Chapter 9 Chapter 10 Chapter 11 Chapter 12 Chapter 13 Chapter 14 Chapter 15 Chapter 16

AO3

@katnoenau I can’t thank you enough for editing this story! 💗

Chapter 17. Punishment

My feet bounced up and down on the floor, a million times per minute – okay, maybe a few less – making some of my short-cut curls hop to and fro around my face. My teeth were biting hard on my bottom lip, chewing and releasing before they’d bite again harder. My nails were leaving their marks on the tender skin of my palms, which became clammier with every passing moment.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Things took a bad turn. A turn towards the cliff, if I wanted to be more precise.

And there I was, waiting just outside Mr. Gowan’s office with Lamb sitting next to me and my eyes glued on the headteacher’s shiny nameplate. My first time being called to the headteacher’s office.

“Claire, this note says that my presence is required at your school, to attend to a meeting with the headteacher.” Lamb narrowed his eyes towards me. “What does this mean, lamb? What did you do?”

I rolled my eyes so hard it was painful when I heard him calling me lamb again, his favorite joke. Lamb and his lamb. Every time I did something stupid, I just became the lamb.

“Nothing!” I exclaimed indignantly, only to end up with Lamb giving me ‘the eye’.

I had to work on lying more convincingly.

Without the luxury of another option, I lowered my head and answered his question, in the lowest voice possible, “I slapped a girl.”

“You did what? Oh God.” Lamb sank in to the chair next to him and watched me with a strict face until I’d explained everything. I told him all the details I didn’t want to mention. Even that one detail that I was dating a Scottish Highlander named Jamie Fraser. Yeap, all the information a girl wants her uncle to NOT know.

“Claire. Calm down.” Lamb’s voice was steady, controlled. For a moment I wondered if he was angry with me, but in the next his hand was petting my head, as if I was five years old again. Surprisingly, this simple gesture brought me so much comfort that I wanted to snuggle in to his embrace, as I had once done after breaking one of my his artifacts, out of the sheer excitement of holding it, the first time he had trusted me with one.

My phone buzzed from inside my pocket and I dithered for a while before taking a quick look at it. I didn’t want the first thing Mr. Gowan would see when he opened the door to be me playing with my phone. I concentrated on the noises coming from the office to be sure that no steps were coming towards the door.

Nothing.

I snuck a peak at my phone to find a text from Jamie.

Jamie: It’s going to be alright, Sassenach. I’m thinking of you. xx

At least he’s thinking of me. If he’d never kissed her, though… That would have been far better to begin with. And when I say far better, I mean far far far better, Mr. Jamie “Kisser of Whoever is in Front of Me” Fraser.

Anyway.

Then another buzz.

Jamie: Oh! And don’t slap Gowan, Sassenach!

That arsehole.

Jamie’s first reaction when I told him about Laoghaire was to hug me tighter and reassure me that everything was going to be okay. Eventually. I realized belatedly what he meant by that, I was still much more naive concerning Laoghaire and what she could do. The girl was evil.

After a while, though, I felt Jamie’s chest moving with suppressed laughter.

“Ye really slapped her, Sassenach?” He asked and moved so he could see my face. His eyes were even more slanted from laughter, their colour reminding me of the most beautiful sky’s blue.

I shrugged.

He laughed a little louder. “I can’t wait to tell Jenny about it. She’ll be enthralled!”

I laughed too, thinking of Jenny Fraser’s reaction after being informed that she missed the opportunity of slapping someone to me. Especially someone who bothered her little brother.

“Why did ye do it?” Jamie’s laughter faded, giving place to a sober voice.

“She … she got really offensive, Jamie.” With my laughter gone, I could hear the crack in my voice at the memory of Laoghaire standing in front of me in the school’s corridor. Her brutal declaration was so loud in my head, I couldn’t stop the pain from reaching my voice.

“What did she say?” Of course, Jamie Fraser would never be content with such vague information.

“I ... I don’t want to repeat it. Please?” My breath was shallow, my mind back in the school’s corridor.

“Okay. Promise you’ll tell me when ye’re ready?” I could sense his need to know battling with the need to respect my wish. Jamie put his instinctive reaction second, giving me what I needed most and that made me want to give him something in return.

“Promise.” I whispered and tucked my face under his chin, taking in a deep breath of him.

I was fairly sure that the “Laoghaire story” would end then and there. She lied, I believed her, Jamie showed her that she had to stop, she didn’t take the message, she lied and insulted me once again, and I slapped her. It was pretty clear to me that she’d done far worse things than I did. The only reason I told Jamie about the slap was for him to know the truth, in case she’d go to inform him, changing the story to her merit.

Of course, I was a fool once again. Laoghaire had promptly run to the headteacher after the incident, informing him of my improper behavior without mentioning any of her insults and lies – surprise, surprise!

“Mr. Beauchamp,” Ned Gowan, our headteacher, fixed his round glasses on his nose and stood up extending a hand to my uncle. “Welcome. Please, take a seat.”

They both sat and Mr. Gowan’s eyes settled on me and the anxious fidgeting of my hands. “You may sit, too, Claire.”

Good. Because my legs were not that reliable at the moment.

Mr. Gowan directed his words to my uncle first, giving him a brief introduction on the subject matter of our meeting. And it wasn’t my good grades.

“So, do you agree with what I just said, Claire? Did you slap Laoghaire MacKenzie?”

“I …”

I am the worst liar on the face of the Earth.

Even if I wanted to contradict what Laoghaire had already said, because no one was there to witness what had really happened apart the two of us, my face would end up an impressive beetroot-red the moment I would start lying. So, I told the truth, swallowing hard. “Yes, I did.”

“Would ye care to share with us the reason why, Claire? Ye are a person of sense. Laoghaire said she had no idea.”

The mean trollop! She had no idea, my arse!

I took a deep breath and replied in a serious voice, “She insulted me, Mr. Gowan. I would like to not get into the details of it, if that’s possible. I tried not to pay any attention to her insults, but she wouldn’t stop. I … I acted instinctively. I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t know about the insults, but …” Mr. Gowan trailed of, taking a note on a faded yellow post-it. The letters were illegible, making it impossible for me to decipher what he wrote. “It’s good that ye’re sorry and ye recognize that violence is never the solution to a problem. Ye do realize that, right?”

“I do.” My eyes found him for a second before I fixed them on a pile of papers on his desk.

“Good. Good.” He turned to Lamb. “We don’t accept violent acts in our school, Mr. Beauchamp, as ye very well know. And adherence to the school’s rules is a very important matter.”

“I know that, Mr. Gowan, and I support that notion wholeheartedly. I raised Claire to voice her disagreements and talk things out, not to slap her indignation on others. She has never showed such behavior before, I can assure you of that.”

Thank you Lambie, my beloved, best, awesomest uncle!

“Aye. I can assure you that she has been an exemplar student thus far, and it’s a privilege to have Claire in our school.”

Okay, you too, Ned Gowan, you’re the sweetest!

“But as ye can understand, I canna leave such behavior unpunished.”

Oh shit.

“I will not give Claire a suspension, because she admits to and recognizes her mistake, and she promises never to repeat such an action.”

I nodded like crazy.

Yes, yes, yes. No suspension, no more slaps. I will avoid the stupid blonde like the plague. Although that slap felt good … It felt heavenly.

“And I’m sure Claire has a good reasoning behind this, although whatever it is, it doesn’t justify that particular behavior,” Mr. Gowan continued, “Claire will get detention for a week. She will work in the school’s library, to help with categorizing the books that are in our warehouse.”

Great! That was a far better punny than most.

“And she won’t take part in any school activities during that week, since all her free time will be spent in the library.”

Oh no. I’m not hearing that.

“But,” I spoke in a tiny voice, unsure if what I was doing was wise. “We have our dance performance this Saturday.”

Mr. Gowan pressed his lips together, released them, and said, “I’m sorry Claire.”

“It’s quite alright, I’m sure.” Lamb’s strong voice rang through my ears, settling in the pit of my stomach. “Thank you, Mr. Gowan.”

No, it isn’t quite alright. Not quite alright at all.

I stood up mechanically when I sensed Lamb rising from his chair. I smiled to Mr. Gowan, said, “Thank you,” and walked out of his office.

I would miss the dance performance. All the rehearsals, all the time and stress, and I wouldn’t even be there to see how it all came together. Lilly would kill me.

“I hope this serves as a lesson for you, Claire, though your motives were right.” Lamb said. But after seeing the disappointment in my eyes, he immediately added, “I’m sorry, darling. I know how important this performance was to you. But it could be far worse. Try to see the light! See you at home.” He kissed me on the forehead and left, leaving me alone in the school’s corridor.

I stood in the corridor, with my back against the wall and my eyes closed, trying to stop the tears from running.

“Sassenach?” His sweet voice filled the air around me, bringing a piece of happiness with it, while a hand settled on my waist. “Tell me?”

“I slapped Mr. Gowan.” I said, my eyes still closed to hide the lie.

“What?” Jamie whisper-yelled incredulously.

I opened my eyes and laughed, seeing his eyebrows shoot up in to the middle of his forehead. “It isn’t funny now, is it?”

“I’ll kill ye!” Jamie was shaking his head while a mischievous grin made his eyes sparkle.

“Detention, one week.” I replied to his question, now serious. I heard him let a breath out and I added, “No dance performance.”

His arms came around me, enveloping me in a bear hug. “I’m sorry, mo nighean donn.” He whispered in my hair, and I felt so safe and small with his arms around me that I couldn’t stop the tears any longer.

“Any details on the detention?”

“Work in the library’s warehouse. At least that one was good.” I said, snorting.

“Yeah, at least they found the only person who would think that’s good.” He said, and I felt him smiling. “Ye’re one of a kind, Sassenach.”

I didn’t reply to that, only rubbed my face on his sweater, and placed a kiss on his neck.

Lilly was mad at me for getting detention.

I was mad at myself for letting my impulsivity get the better of me.

I was also mad at the dust in the library’s warehouse, for getting in my lungs, mouth, and hair and making me cough every two minutes.

But the books … Oh, the books were beautiful. I even found some leather-bound editions of the classics and the temptation to stop the work and start reading was so strong. Knowing this meant more trouble, I resisted.

I’m Claire and I’m strong.

Two days had passed and apart from discovering another rare edition, nothing was interesting anymore. I hated Laoghaire. When I wasn’t thinking of what the evil bitch had done, I watched the big clock on the wall, thinking of what I would be doing if I wasn’t trapped in the warehouse. In fact, I involuntarily started replaying our choreography in my head, and it only made me feel more miserable.

In my head, I was jumping up and falling down on the floor, rolling and stretching, extending arms to catch an invisible light. In reality, I was cleaning up the books I ‘d found in piles of boxes in a dark corner of the warehouse, before writing down their titles and authors in to the huge notebook Mrs. Cameron gave me.

My phone beeped and I turned my eyes to the table where I left it. I had a new text from Jamie and I smiled, as I did every time I imagined those red locks falling in front of his eyes as he typed out a message. TO ME. Suck it Laoghaire.

Jamie: Sassenach, text me when ye’re done.

CB: Okay. I still have a lot to do. I’ll be late. ☹️

Jamie: Text me fifteen minutes before you leave. I’m coming to take ye home.

CB: You don’t need to, I’m fine. 😊

Jamie: I’m coming. Promise ye’ll be finer.

That ridiculous human being!

I smiled and continued dusting, trying to finish as quickly as possible so I could see his smile a bit sooner. That always did make me feel finer.

I was waiting on the sidewalk in front of the library for Jamie, my hands buried deep in my pockets to avoid the cold wind. God, Scotland was freezing cold.

Why couldn’t Lamb find a position at the University of The Bahamas? There had to be some history to be taught there as well!

As this thought formed in my mind, my hair was gently swept from the nape of my neck, exposing plenty of space for the wind to bite at my warm skin. I hissed, just a moment before Jamie’s lips landed, sharing his warmth.

Who would ever choose The Bahamas over this?

“Mmmm. Hello to you too,” I smiled and turned around to find his lips with mine.

Finally. It was the best part of my day.

“Tired?” Jamie asked when our lips parted.

“Not that much now that you’re here.” I smiled at him and nibbled on his neck, breathing him in again. “I’m already finer,” I teased him.

A low laugh was trapped in his throat and his hand trailed down my back to settle on my butt. He pulled lightly, bringing me closer to him. “Verra funny, Sassenach.”

“I know! I’m funny!” I said, burying a hand in the back pocket of his jeans, doing the same to him. “Shall we?” I asked, nodding towards the way home.

“I’ve just a question for ye before we go.” Jamie replied without releasing me.

“And what’s that?” I cocked an eyebrow, waiting.

“If ye won’t be too weary, will ye go out on a date with me on Saturday?”

A date. Our first date. On Saturday.

I raised my hand slowly, cupping his cheek and running a thumb over his prominent cheekbones. I couldn’t believe the treasure I had found in him, with every passing day. He made me happy, not because of something impressive he did to show off, but with all the minor gestures that showed how much he cared. I bit my lip to prevent my emotions from running free and I smiled. He was trying to fix things and cheer me up, filling my time with beautiful moments so I wouldn’t think of missing the performance. That was the sweetest thing he could do for me, but even if he had proposed another day, there was no way I could resist those alluring blue eyes and the hint of a smile that hid behind his lips. I took a breath to accept his invitation, when I realized what he’d first said.

“Weary? I will most probably be at home, if Mrs. Cameron doesn’t require my presence here.” I said in Mrs. Cameron’s voice and then I stopped, seeing Jamie shaking his head in negation. “What?” I asked, perplexed.

“Ye’re dancing, babe.” Jamie replied, a broad grin splitting his beautiful face in two.

“I’m WHAT?” I was sure he could hear my heart beating.

OH MY GOD.

What did he do?

Chapter 18

#thermodynamics #The First Law of Thermodynamics #high school au #jamie x claire #outlander fanfic #outlander fanfiction

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itsybitsylemonsqueezy · 6 years ago

Text

Okay, so I’ve only been working in retail, like, a week. And I'm sure this story is not unique. But I felt like sharing it. So, please, enjoy...

5 Receipts and 36 Cents

Recently, I got a job working part time at a craft store, let’s call it... David’s. And at David’s mainly I work the register for about 4 hours a day. On register at David’s, you are expected to handle purchases and returns in equal measure. And, at least at my branch, you do get about the same of each every day. And after a week, I’m pretty comfortable with that.

But today. Today I saw something that, I pray, will never be repeated.

So, I had 10 minutes to the end of my shift. A woman and her daughter walk over with 4 cricut rolls, they're like... rolls of project paper, or whatever. 2 are clearly to be returned, in a bag with a receipt, 2 are to be bought. Okay, no big deal. I'd already had to do a MASSIVE cricut return today, 22 rolls off a receipt of 25, it was hell, but it turned out to be NOTHING compared to this. But at the time, I, blissful in my ignorance, thought nothing of it. Return 2, buy 2 is pretty standard behavior at David’s.

I explain this will take 2 transactions, we don't really have an 'exchange' mechanism as such at David’s. I have to go all the way through a return and then buy the new items. That's just... how it is. So, I say that, and I take the receipt to begin the return.

I scan the first roll to be returned, it goes fine. I scan the second one. Item Not Found. I ask if it's possibly on a different receipt or from a different store. The woman insists she's never shopped anywhere but David’s. Ever. In her life. I say Okay, do you have a rewards membership? She does. I explain I'll have to finish this receipted return first, then I'll be able to return the second item. So I continue with the original return, just the one roll. I total it, print the receipt, staple it to the original. One roll down.

I begin a rewards receipt for the second roll. Punch in her number. I scan the second roll. Item Not Found. I explain to her that, for whatever reason, this roll is not found in her account receipts. Perhaps she bought it without entering her rewards number the first time, I don't know.

But in any case, it can't be found. The machine asks me if I would like to continue with a non-receipted return. I hit Yes because I just have to get through this thing and move on. We proceed with the check out. I ask the woman for her driver's license as per protocol. I enter it twice as per protocol, give it back to her. I hit total and the machine says it will refund her the price of the item, $6.36, as store credit. This is the only option for a non-receipted return, so you can't scam the store.

At this point, the woman Pitches A Fit. She's concerned that the amount of store credit she's receiving will not cover the new cricut rolls she's buying. I am Mystified by this logic, but I can't begin to worry about it. I want to explain to her that if we finish the return process, and if she would just let me give her the fucking store credit, which she refuses to Okay, I can then scan the new items and check their price. But no. She's pitching a fit here, at the point of receiving store credit because she wants it to equal the amount she's about to spend. This is a Theme with this woman, so remember that.

Rather than just let me Give Her The Fucking Money, she insists I call a manager. So I do, and let’s call her Karen. This girl, Karen, who I swear is even younger than me. She comes over and I explain to her in almost as much detail what I've just told you, begging her for help with this irrational woman. Karen, blessed angel that she is, convinces the woman to let me give her the Fucking Store Credit As Per Protocol, and then she promises to personally override the price of the cricut, which was ALREADY Buy One Get One Half, to the price on the card. In hopes of mollifying this woman.

So I finish the second return. Begin the transaction to buy the two rolls she actually wanted. We override the price of the one roll, as promised. I get all the way through check out and print the receipt. We are now up to 3 receipts. The first return, the second return, and the actual purchase.

Her daughter, by the way, disappeared somewhere after the first receipt. Tells you a lot doesn’t it. I should have took that as a warning sign, that she knew what was coming. But, alas, I did not.

This woman, nay, this... creature looks at her various receipts and goes Wait A Minute. She points out to me that the two rolls she just bought cost $10.98 when her original return was $10.62. What Gives?

That's 36 cents. I want you to understand. That's. 36. Cents. She's about to call on the forces of hell for Thirty-Six-Fucking-Cents.

I look at the receipts, horrified that they would betray me. I can only imagine how heartbroken and world-weary I looked at this point. I explain that it's probably tax and that tax is not refunded. It's Thirty Six Fucking Cents. I do not say this out loud although I think it very loudly.

This woman insists that she has NEVER heard of tax not being refunded, although literally everywhere I've ever been has NEVER refunded tax but OKAY. She insists I call the manager. Again. Karen, poor sweet angel that she is, comes over again. I explain the problem. I hand her the two receipts in question and hope and beg and pray that Karen understands and can help because I don't have any fucking clue what the fuck this woman wants me to do about her 36 goddamn cents.

Karen points to the two amounts and explains why they're different. There was a very good, reasonable reason that I cannot at present recall. But it's the sort of legitimate thing like Taxes, or, That's What You Get For Insisting On A New Price You Horrifying Hellbeast. The woman Will Not take it for an answer though. She insists that Karen override the price again. That we RETURN THE OFFENDING ITEM. THAT SHE JUST BOUGHT. AND BUY IT. AGAIN. FOR HER 36 MOTHERFUCKING CENTS.

Karen turns to my shell-shocked face and instructs me to do so.

I, not knowing what else to do, apologize all over myself to this creature from a dark and soulless dimension for the Inconvenience of all this and begin the return procedure. Again.

And this woman. This Actual Incarnation Of Satan. Has the audacity to tell me it's not my fault and that she's not angry with me, I'm doing a wonderful job.

And I felt dead inside.

I return the item. Receipt number 4.

I purchase the item and override its price, giving her her 36 precious fucking cents. Receipt number 5.

When it was all over and the demon had left, I had 2 minutes left in my shift and a line of five people waiting.

But that. That is 5 Receipts and 36 Cents.

And I don't... I don't have words for what just happened in front of me. I don't know what I just experienced. But I feel like offering prayers to Karen for helping me through that test of will and courage. And I also feel like Crying. A Lot.

The End

#retail stories #shenanigans #5 Receipts and 36 Cents #I just had to tell someone #Anyone #names changed to protect the innocent

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