#okay so on my OLD account I had very problematic stuff like that on there

[scoliosisgoblin]

just got someone asking to collaborate on a Rick x reader on wattpad. I thought it seemed pretty cute (wasn't gonna say yes though), quickly checked their account and it's all pedo and incest shit between Rick and the reader. wtf.

[ryuichirou]

Replies

I’ll start with some news.

I am currently locked out of my twitter account. We did everything we could to try to get it back, but no matter what happens, it will most likely take some time.

I don’t like bringing attention to this kind of stuff because we have tons of other things to talk about which are more important than some toddlers trying to obliterate us for 1000th time (frankly I would rather talk about the colour of Leona’s butthole), but this time it’s kind of serious and important. We don’t know what’s going to happen next, but for now I wanted to say that if we won’t get the account back in time or will lose it indefinitely, we will have to ask for your help. I am sorry for that in advance.

Also, if you were discussing/working on commissions with me via DMs there, please email me or contact me via any other platform as soon as possible. Just in case.

Mass-reporting is wild, eh?

I am rambling a bit, and I didn’t really want to complain, because I know for a fact it would give satisfaction to some people, but you know? I am going to complain: it sucks ass. It happened at the worst time possible and it happened over nothing (literally, the art that got it was a Todd/Wallace non-sexual piece that got too many likes for children’s liking). I don’t care if people don’t like us, I don’t care if they gossip with their girlies about us, all I want is for them to leave us the fuck alone and let us do our thing in peace. Imagine being so unbelievably boring and so incredibly unlikeable and unable to make meaningful connections not only with other people but also with any kind of media that you just have to go out of your way to ruin things for others because this is the only thing that makes your immature brain produce something that even remotely resembles joy. Because your own pathetic self is so deeply insecure and constantly frustrated at yourself that you just have to create an illusion of control over someone else to feel important. I can’t even call it a troll behavior – at least trolls are funny sometimes. This is just someone who hit a midlife crisis at the age of 16 and made it my problem for some reason.  

And yet, it’s okay. Even if we end up losing our account, it’ll be a huge disappointment and it will hurt us tremendously, it already did. And it’s scary to think about this scenario, and it’s difficult to talk about how, if it happens, that it’s going to be okay. But eventually we’ll get over it and build ourselves up again, just like we did before several times. And these clowns will still be boring, unlikeable, lonely and very likely shit at drawing.

So yeah. Take care of yourself and block everyone who seems suspicious on sight. It’s not a panacea, but certainly is helpful.

Alright, time to talk about Leona’s butthole (not really, but we will talk about SebeMal, and it’s even better) 💪

Anonymous asked:

Seeing Vanitas made me curious about something: did you ever read Pandora Hearts? I think for a lot of people that series went hand in hand with Black Butler as the main "victorian aesthetic mangas" from the late '00/early '10. Gothic lolitas really had it all back then..

Ohh you’re so right Anon, it was the ultimate late ‘00/early ’10 aesthetic! Boys in vests with bows/ties, crosses and rosaries and traumatic and problematic backstories lol I really miss it sometimes. What an era.

I personally haven’t read/watched Pandora Hearts, but Katsu did! But it was even before we met… So my only association with this title is that Katsu’s old username was “ozbezariusnya” 🥰 Oh, and that Gilbert (?) looks very cute, but let’s be honest, of course I would think he is cute.

nebula-ryuu asked:

Regarding my question, I mean if the Malleus and Sebek ship has a dynamic or a context 😅😅 a background or a story. I have a certain feeling about what it is like but I don't want to affirm anything hehe

I don't know if I made what I said better understood, in any case I can explain it again, no problem 🙏

Oh! Thank you for clarifying!

As for our background for shipping them, we just really really love loyal characters that are a bit unhinged about their loyalty and love/obsession. So we didn’t even have a choice, they stole our hearts… and Malleus is very interesting in his interactions with Sebek too; he is annoyed by him sometimes, but he tolerates a lot and teases him.

As for the ship itself, we tend to think that in addition to Sebek being loyal and obsessive with Malleus, he is also deeply in love with him ever since he was a child. He is conflicted because he really wants to be his lover, but also thinks that he isn’t worthy. Malleus is amused by Sebek and allows him to do much more than he probably should. Actually, I think I talked about their dynamic in this post!

I hope I understood you correctly. Thank you for your question! And if you have any more questions, please let me know.

Anonymous asked:

would Lilia and Azul ever fight over who gets to have Idia?

Replied here! Thank you for your question, Anon.

[blackberry-command-cap]

I think the issue with the new 7.6 faces is not that the faces themselves are problematic (though I am a little upset that they look more normal. I'd actually prefer them to look inhumanly pretty turns out) it's actually that the faces clash with all the other stuff. Like the face looks okay on it's own, but they didn't do anything to the hair, so while the face is now more variable and textured, the hair still looks plasticy and has a very smooth texture and lighting and such, and they clash.

Also there's the issue that ALL the characters and NPCs were designed with the old system to look a certain way. It's kind of inevitable that changing the system is going to change how the different pieces work together, which could be fine if this was a fairly new game and people can just adjust but it's an old game and of all characters that will ever be made, I suspect most of them have already been made. And even without taking PCs into account, all the NPCs have a completely different vibe now.

Just yesterday I was playing with a friend doing the Imperial Agent story and Watcher Two does not look like Watcher Two anymore (don't have comparison pics rn but will post when I can get them) and there are a couple of NPCs that had a certain vibe to them before and now they just look kinda off and lopsided and I'm honestly sadder about that than I am about any of my OCs.

[inneskeeper-receipts]

RE: the necrophilia and beastiality thing;

Necrophilia is a paraphilia that ranges in how it presents and works from individual to individual. For me, it is purely a fantasy, and not something I ever plan on seeking out in real life- one where I am the corpse. I have experienced a lot of sexual, physical, and emotional trauma since I was a young child which has resulted in me developing this paraphilia. Obviously, I wouldn’t be able to actually engage in this kind of necrophilia in real life because if I was for real dead I couldn’t enjoy it, lol.

(aside: I’d recommend reading up on paraphilias and how they really work rather than what you’ve been taught from pop culture, human sexuality and psychology is really interesting!)

It isn’t something that actually bothers me or necessarily hinders me, especially not anymore, unlike the intrusive thoughts which I suffer from OCD, meaning that it’s not disordered. It took me a while to process for sure. Which, by the way, OCD is what I have, not rejection-sensitive dysphoria, but I guess he is going to armchair diagnose me now? That’s... not really necessary, because I was always very open about my mental health struggles with him throughout the duration of our relationship.

Paraphilias, while often taboo, are separate from morality. We are not our thoughts, our compulsions, or our desires; they do not solely define us, nor do they make us “good” or “bad”. They just are. What matters is our behavior, which only you can be accountable for at the end of the day.

I don’t have any proof to say that Innes would intentionally disclose secretive information about himself only through voice calls on purpose so that I would never have any proof of anything he told me or anything he did to me. I want to believe that this is not some intentional thing he did, but there were plenty of highly calculated fucked up things he did to me that took time. But I don’t have a confession or “proof” of this specific thing. I have some screenshots and scraps here and there. It has been a few years, I have been through a lot. Now that drama-stirrers have gotten involved and he’s directly responding to my claims and experiences, I wouldn’t be surprised if he also started dirty deleting from old chats. I wish I’d had the foresight to archive them in some way, but this whole situation is a lot.

all of that preempting aside, if Innes was merely a paraphile, or just had problematic kinks/was into fictional feral, that would be his personal business and I would not bring it up. It’s not our thoughts, it’s our behaviors that matter. If it affects your life/disturbs you (if it is disordered, in other words) then you should be encouraged to seek help for it, but you can’t force someone to it. However, he admitted to engaging in beastiality with real-life dogs over voice chats on Discord, multiple times.

He even talked about wanting to get a dog to be his “partner.” I told him this made me uncomfortable and upset but sometimes I felt like I had no other choice but to humor him on this stuff, because he always found a way to twist things around and make me feel guilty for not being okay with his pro-contact zoophilia. like how he would say that his came from trauma too. the problem isn’t the paraphilia itself but that if you act on it you’re taking advantage of an animal’s trust in you when they can’t possibly consent in real life, and even if you have a paraphilia as a result of a traumatic event that doesn’t really give you a free pass to do things that hurt other living beings.

When it comes to this all I can do is tell my truth and know that the people who believe me will, and they’ll have my back, and that is what matters ultimately. I just am tired of being told to keep quiet about my experiences, I need to be able to talk about this actually. I’m scared, for now, but it’ll get better and I’ll feel better for finally being able to admit to myself and to others that what I went through wasn’t okay.

The screenshotted discussion was being had in a channel explicitly for serious discussions, and I did not and still don’t allow minors into my discord servers. This wasn’t something I had just brought up in a general chat, for no reason. (& it’s also not something I’m terribly secretive about.) We frequently had discussions like that in that chat, but multiple people privately messaged me to tell me that Innes at this specific instance made them uncomfortable, and we changed the subject.

I cropped out the part where I was discussing necrophilia because it just wasn’t relevant, because I’m not fucking real-life corpses unlike how Innes confessed to engaging in real-life beastiality.

Originally, this sideblog was just a dumping grounds for my thoughts on this matter, and I’ve privated/deleted/edited a lot of my posts for a variety of reasons. I don’t remember everything I’ve posted on here all of the time, but nonetheless, I should’ve included a better, more complete and coherent context of the screenshots for the sake of clarity and transparency, and I’m sorry for any confusion or anger I might’ve caused by not doing that.

I went back and edited some posts earlier, and tumblr is finally showing the option to make things unrebloggable (I literally haven’t had it on any of my blogs until like, this morning. webbed site. still don’t have the option on the app.) so I might go and make a bunch of my posts unrebloggable because if people are just going to try and stir drama rather than actually like. engage or listen to me or do anything useful/constructive, I don’t really want any part of it tbh

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #200

Where were your parents born? Mom is from New York and Dad is from Ohio.

Have you ever used public transportation to get to work? No.

Who in your family has the coolest job? Idk, honestly.

Have you found your first gray hairs yet? No.

What is your favorite food to put gravy on? I hate gravy.

Do you know anyone from Canada? I do! My ex's best friend had a long-distance relationship with a Canadian, and during one of her visits, Jason and I hug out with them. We're still Facebook friends, I like her a lot.

What's your opinion on astrology? If you want my honest opinion, I think it's laughable to even consider. Take responsibility for your own actions and feelings.

Do you use TikTok? No.

Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now? Yikes, no.

Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys? Doesn't matter to me. I'm less shy and awkward around women, but.

Are you good at hiding your feelings? NO

Can you drive a stick shift? I've never tried, so no.

Do you care if people talk badly about you? I wish I didn't, but I do.

Are you going out of town soon? No.

Does anyone hate you? I'm sure.

Do you think you'll be married in 5 years? I feel like probably.

Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship? I've been in the same relationship for two and a half years.

What’s the best part about school? Regularly seeing friends. It helped to fight my social anxiety/reclusiveness and stuff.

Do you have any pictures on your Facebook? Yeah, I've had the same account since I joined as what, a pre-teen? Oftentimes I want to make a new one, however I've liked so many pages (primarily for memes) that I don't want to start over lmfao. LITERALLY the main reason I don't start fresh.

Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school? I didn't; I was a teacher's pet very keen on not causing trouble.

Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? That would be my mother, and it'd be quite problematic if I found her attractive in the way you're talking. I think she's beautiful, and her smile is the greatest one in the whole world, but there's no sexual attraction there.

Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yeah. It's way healthier and deeper with my mom, but.

How do you want to die? Old age, I guess. Surrounded by family.

When was your last physical fight? Never.

Have you ever stayed up 48 hours? The longest I've stayed up consistently is three days, because I was manic.

Ever made out in the bathroom? No, that sounds so uncomfortable to me lol.

Are you scared of spiders? In general, no. I've come to love them. HOWEVER, they can still startle me if I'm not expecting one. As animals though, they're lovely and EXTREMELY interesting!!

What is/are/were your best subject(s)? English/writing, art, and German.

Have you made a boyfriend/girlfriend cry? Yes. It's a shitty feeling.

Do you have trust issues? Yes. I do think they've improved, but they're still there for sure.

Favourite food? I'm so unhealthy dude, I would straight-up say chocolate, but let's be real, that's not a proper food. As far as "real" answers go, cheeseburgers, probably. Still unhealthy.

Do you believe everything happens for a reason? Hell fucking no. I think what's happening in Palestine as we speak is enough fucking proof of that. Whoever has the fucking audacity to say things like kids getting cancer has a reason, how fucking dare you.

Is cheating ever okay? No, it's not.

What makes you happy? Seeing any footage of meerkats.

Is there anyone you would die for? There's honestly a lot of people I would die for, deadass.

What’s the best news you’ve gotten lately? Um... I'm not sure?

^And, the worst? My mom's cancer is back; there's a new growth in her abdomen that will require surgery to remove ASAP. I've been really struggling with it, like we were fully aware it was GONNA come back at some point, her diagnosis was too advanced not to, but I'm still scared. I'm SO convinced I don't have much time left with her, because of course a scan revealed its return AFTER she had to stop her cancer med because it's been three years, and continuing it would put her too deeply at risk for bone marrow cancer, which would be way bigger of a problem.

Do you like getting dressed up? Rarely.

Would you be embarrassed to find out you snored loudly in public? I would be mortified, probably.

Are you reading any books at the moment? Yes; it's Sign of the Moon in the "Omen of the Stars" plot arc of Warriors by Erin Hunter. What a mouthful.

When was the last time you had a tick on you? It's been years, probably. I'm like, deathly afraid of ticks, so I avoid areas where I know they'd be common. It's a fear I need to get over though since I aspire to be a wildlife/nature photographer, and also because I DESPERATELY want to be a herper when my legs are more reliable. I regularly have dreams about herping, this isn't just a shallow want, I feel like my fuckin soul wants it.

Have you been to the Grand Canyon? No, but I'm dying to visit one day.

Do you like grapes or raisins better? I only like grapes, raisins are horrendous.

What is the picture on the desktop on the computer you’re using? A meerkat among flowers that I edited to be light pink.

Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, this is a terrifying concept to me.

Do you believe in ghosts? Yeah. I don't know how aware I think spirits are, but I definitely believe in the remnants of sentient life existing in SOME way.

Would you ever stay overnight in a haunted house? Oh fucking totally.

When was the last time you had an injection? What for? When I was at the ER for an asthma attack, I think. I had so many needles in me that night lol.

Is there anything you cannot wait to be over? Yes, this struggle to find a medication that helps my depression and its symptoms, especially anhedonia. It was recently decided that I'm going to retry Latuda and Lamictal, which was my absolute miracle combination in 2017, however I eventually became immune to its effects, hence why I stopped. It apparently is possible to lose immunity to these kinds of medications though, so we're HOPING that'll be the case for me with the combo that literally saved my entire life.

What was the last thing you had done at the dentist? Hmmm... I feel like it was a normal cleaning?

Does your best girlfriend have any talents that you don’t? She is a BRILLIANT makeup artist.

What color eyes does the last person you kissed have? Brown.

Did your parents ever read stories to you before bed? My mom did.

What are you listening to? I'm watching/listening to a Gab Smolders Dark Souls LP.

Do you like hickeys? I only mind them if they're in obvious spots that make them publicly awkward lol. Otherwise, I'm a biter so I can't say shit lmao

Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? No, not anymore.

Do you have any summer plans yet? No.

Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? Oh boy, he's seen me full-on fall apart.

Are most of your friends guys or girls? The majority of my closest friends are actually nonbinary.

Who do you text the most? My mom.

Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? I don't think so, but ESPECIALLY not if it's a very young baby. I am not meant to be a parent figure.

Do you miss your last sweetie? No. I sometimes miss how tight our friendship was, and how at home I felt around her in person, but do I miss our relationship? No. She took a toll on my self-worth; Sara made me feel very annoying on far too regular a basis.

Would you rather be anorexic or obese? Hey have you heard of going to fuck yourself?

Do you know anyone who is pregnant right now? Yes, a woman I took pictures of once because she's the friend of a regular client I had.

What’s your favorite alcoholic beverage? Sangrias.

Do you play any games on your phone? Pokemon GO, DragonVale, and Amaru, if you count a self-care virtual pet.

Have you ever shaved your face? I use a mini razor tool on my upper lip and chin, where I'll have dark hair.

What was the last vaccination you got? Covid, when it was a newer thing.

Do you have a brother? Yeah, Bobby.

Would you ever have a bird as a pet? I can't imagine myself with a bird.

Have you ever had to speak at a funeral? No. I don't think I'd be able to, I'm too emotional, I wouldn't be able to get words out.

When was the last time you saw your father? A week ago at my youngest niece's birthday party.

Any time when you need to search something on the Internet, which search engine do you use? Google.

Do you believe in saving your virginity for marriage or no? Marriage is literally a ceremony and that's it. Nothing important has truly changed, save your virginity for someone you love and feel safe with, otherwise who fuckin cares.

When you open your web browser, what is your home page set to? Why did you select this? Google. I think this laptop just came that way, and I've had no reason to change it.

[goldeneyedkim]

About Me and FAQ

I'm Kim or Angel--the author behind both GoldenEyesObsession (GEO) and AngelSelene (AS) on Ao3. I'm a fandom old with an obsession for long-haired pretty boys, crossovers, and a compulsion to make things make sense. I've been writing for almost 30 years at this point--it has always been a passion of mine, and I'm delighted to share it with people.

I write a lot of things that people find upsetting, I am extremely pro-fiction, pro-darkfic, and anti-censorship, and I will block aggressively. If I see any nonsense about "these ships are not okay," I will block you. If you don't like me or my content, the back and block buttons are right there. If you can't play nice, I will do it for you.

FAQ below the cut.

What's the difference between the accounts?

AngelSelene is my more mainstream account (and my main blog is under the name too, though the blog is really anything that interests or amuses me). It tends to focus more on healthy relationships and plot-heavy crossovers (don't look at me--I said tends). Look for the #angiewrote tag for posts about what I'm working on for AS.

GoldenEyesObsession is the Problematic™️account. There you're going to find a lot of dubious consent (at best), twisted relationships, and a lot of kinky tropes that are common squicks and triggers. Also, there's a lot of My Hero Academia on GEO, and I'm particularly known for writing DabiShou (thus the banner). Look for the #kimerawrote tag for posts about what I'm working on for GEO.

Why the two accounts?

Short answer? Embarrassment and discomfort with the kind of smut I was writing originally.

Long answer? Still those two, but it probably helps to understand that I started posting on Ao3 with 2 very, very different fics. First was Stand Without Flinching (the Gundam Wing/MCU crossover that I consider my magnum opus), and the second was GEO's Prepared to Sacrifice, which is original and super self-indulgent pure problematic smut. I just didn't think those two audiences had a lot of crossover, and I didn't want to shove Prepared in the face of Stand readers. Also, when Prepared absolutely crushed Stand's statistical performance, it was definitely a little disheartening. Having those two fics on separate accounts to keep me from comparing their stats directly really helped. (I don't have as much of an issue with it anymore, but when they were the only fics on my account, it was... frustrating). So I set up GEO and moved Prepared from anon to it.

Why the sideblog?

Because I'm bad at using my main blog to talk about my writing, I want a place to bitch about how my fics are misbehaving (or maybe share them when I'm excited), and... also I'm totally procrastinating on actually writing a chapter I'm supposed to post today. Procrastinating about writing with writing something else? Couldn't be me... 😅

Can I support your writing?

I'm flattered, but this is truly my hobby, and I'm fortunate enough that I do not need anyone to help support me. I don't really have any plans to publish anything original at this time (if that changes, I'll update this), so if you want to support me, the best way to do so is with comments and sharing my work.

Do you take commissions/requests?

At this time, no to both. I have that knee-jerk reaction to the moment I have to do something (like because someone paid me to do it), it's the last thing I want to do. If this blog is successful, I may open prompts at some point, but currently, no, I don't take requests.

So, if you like my writing and would like to see more of me or ask me about my fics or my writing, feel free! I'm always happy to chat about my stuff!

[waayix]

Time to talk about the time ProjectAnomaly tried to cancel my ass!

Psa that this is no longer about ships, so don't even fucking go there.

CONTEXT BECAUSE THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT ON MY END.

when i was about 13-14, I was very reckless with my time on the internet and ended up getting into some older/more 18+ friend groups that basically groomed me into being a proshipper. they never sexually exploited me personally, but they told me problematic ships and overall paraphilias being romanticized were okay as long as they were only depicted in drawings and in art, and for a while i sort of was on and off with that belief. As of right now, I'm not a proshipper anymore and absolutely avoid all that stuff with my entire being, and it's been very relieving to not have that kind of conflict anymore. I'm explaining this because I don't wanna be fucking called a proshipper by someone who basically forgot what that term means.

When I turned 18 I ended up making an 18+ twitter account that had more problematic retweets and debate comments in it, stuff that i absolutely do not agree with anymore and I wish I could reverse time so I never said that garbage. Right when I turned 19, my account was found by a minor ProjectAnomaly was friends at the time who I'm not gonna name. After a very intense conversation with this minor, they suddenly told Juno to put our conversation on blast in a (now deleted) server they ran, and banned me for it before I could even speak my side.

The reason I bring this up is because this minor was also basically being groomed into depending on ProjectAnomaly.

KEEP IN MIND THAT WHEN I SAY GROOMER, I'M NOT CLAIMING THAT PROJECTANOMALY WAS SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO THEM. I'm claiming that ProjectAnomaly basically isolated them from the entire community so that they would depend on NO ONE but her. This is extremely important to differentiate because people tend to automatically associate the word 'groomer' with sexual exploitation, when you all need to remember that there are different types of grooming out there.

Keep in mind that these screenshots are a YEAR OLD. Anything I've said in these screenshots have changed since then, but if yall have questions for me PERSONALLY, I'll gladly answer them.

This is also showcasing just god god damn stubborn Juno is. Full disclosure is that despite my dumbass still being in denial at the time, I was MORE THAN HAPPY to talk with Juno about it to sort things out, but then Juno straight up refused to talk to me.

For context in this second screenshot they're talking about when I liked something more recently on that account. I was on and off with that account at the time because I was debating on deleting it. To which they accused me of wanting to delete the account to cover my tracks, which I didn't.

First screenshot is first proof of this person actively admitting they're a minor so Juno can't call bullshit, everything else will be explained as it goes.

Ultimately, I was able to talk things out with this person, but Juno had other plans.

After a while of back n fourth, I was able to make amends with this person, but then they eventually started talking more about the handling of this situation and how Juno specifically handled it, especially when I was put on blast in a server they both ran.

Then Juno immediately proceeded to double down on me just being some sort of manipulative proshipper trying to get on this minor's good side. The name that's blurred in black is someone who does not want to be mentioned or involved in this situation, but they're someone Juno also burned bridges with. This person suddenly felt like they had to choose BETWEEN ME OR HER, WHEN IT SHOULDN'T EVEN HAVE HAD TO COME TO THAT.

Then proceeded to claim I never tried to make things right when I ACTIVELY ASKED IF JUNO COULD TALK TO ME. And please take note of how...coddling Juno sounds here, if none of you are willing to believe me on Juno being possessive just yet, then that's fine, since there's more to be found.

A lot of the screenshots from here are an amalgamation of this minor talking about how juno treats them along with the conversations they've had with Juno over time. Talking about how they're isoloated and can't depend on anyone BUT Juno, and actively admitted that Juno was the one who burnt the bridge on the majority of their relationships.

After more back n fourth about the situation, they eventually decided to talk to Juno about it.

They sent a couple DMs to Juno, and full discloure that I'm not sure if this is before or after their confrontation, but Juno sent these to that minor. You can make of these what you will, but keep the rest of Juno's behavior throughout this in mind.

Then this minor eventually expresses that they're scared to leave Juno, and reading back on this conversation is honestly very hard to do.

Then they suddenly proceeded to bring up what was said to them about a user named @edibletrees2. If you don't know, Lizzy (edibletrees) is currently a 14 year old who doesn't have the best home life with their parents, and when they met with Juno, they did not click with her that much at all, and often got into feuds. That being said, Juno made the promise to one day pick up Lizzy from their abusive home to live with her to give them a better environment. I've been given PERMISSION to use these. Keep in mind, that Lizzy WAS 13 WHEN THESE SCREENSHOTS TOOK PLACE.

MORE SCREENSHOTS CONTINUED IN NEXT POST ->

Never thought I’d have to post this on my main.

ProjectAnomaly is a groomer and a huge bitch. Do not take anything they say at face value. They are absolutely insane and they need professional help. Do not interact with them, do not support them, do not believe them.

No one’s “stalking” anyone. ProjectAnomaly is an abusive friend, tried to pry me (a minor) away from friends, and even though they could take me out of my home and that it wouldn’t be weird. They’ve sent nsfw to minors. They are TERRIBLE to partners and friends alike and their flash mob of rabid, dream-like stans is terrible.

Fuck them. Do not ask about them to me. But they make me horrifically uncomfortable and the fact that they have so much support is disgusting.

And if you’re somehow reading this? Fuck you, Juno. Fuck you.

And if they get this acc taken down my alt is @edibletrees22

[misscrawfords]

The whole thing about minors absolving themselves from responsibility for seeing things on the internet they shouldn't see is like...so funny to me??

I remember getting into fandom when I was 12/13 or so and I remember the first ever HP fanfic I read (the P&P ones I was reading earlier were very tame) was a Snape/fem!Harry teacher/student fic that contained a very tame sex scene towards the end IIRC.

I clicked on it without having any preconceptions of shipping or ratings or warnings, I just thought that "what if Harry was a girl" was a cool concept. I loved the fic because it was interesting, exciting, and well-written. (I don't know if I'd think that now if I read it again but 12 year old me was into it.) It didn't mean I thought teachers and students should get it on IRL, it didn't mean I was attracted to Snape, it meant literally nothing except that I was into this story.

After staying very much in my lane and not reading anything NC-17 because it wasn't suitable for me (I was a rule abiding sort of girl), I started to get curious. I read some R rated stuff for Harry/Hermione and quite enjoyed the sex scenes as part of my teenage acquisition of knowledge about the world and relationships. After all, I wasn't getting it from anywhere else and there was nothing worse about getting it from The Paradigm of Uncertainty as from watching Friends or Buffy which my contemporaries were doing.

Sometimes I read stuff that I didn't like. I clicked on a fic once that was a NC-17 Giant Squid orgy fic. I was curious as to how that would even work. I guess I found out! The writing was pretty bad... Did this have any effect on my mental or emotional development? None, whatsoever. Sometimes things weren't tagged very well or at all, because there wasn't really tagging back on FF.net and I really did start reading something and realise I didn't want to continue. Excessive violence, rape, certain ships - they were not for me. And then I'd give a mental shudder and click the back button. Or I'd continue out of curiosity to see what all this was about and then go, "Okay, so I guess that's what it's about and some people must like this but I don't" and then click the back button.

I read quite a bit of R/NC-17 rated Snape/Hermione stuff when I was a teenager - novel length plot-heavy fics with one or two sex scenes in near the end. Looking back, I do wonder at that considering my main ship was the super vanilla Harry/Hermione. I think these fics tended to be written by older people and were therefore better written and really intriguingly plotted. I still think about one of them that was unfinished after about 50 chapters but was soooo good. I never thought about the ethics of me reading this. I never considered that the fact I was cool with 17 year old Hermione getting together with Snape meant I was cool with it happening IRL - I wasn't. I thought it was awful when there was a rumour about our French teacher and one of the students. My fanfic reading life and my real life had really no connection. There was nothing ethical or moral or problematic about what I was reading online. It was just part of growing up.

Now that I am a teacher, I steer clear of high school teacher/student fics. From an older perspective, I do feel like that would be weird and potentially damaging if my online identity were discovered. It isn't something I'm into now because I can't not take my real life perspective here into account in terms of understanding the power difference involved. But I don't have a problem with my younger self being into it and I wouldn't have a problem if I discovered one of my students was into reading it. It's not a moral thing.

I just do not understand a) why it's so bad if kids/teenagers occasionally read or see something upsetting or simply something they don't like online. (Yes, there is a difference between what goes down in fanfic and what can be seen visually on places like tiktok or hardcore pornography sites though. That wasn't an issue in my day so I do realise things have changed.) Seeing things you don't like or upset you a bit is part of life and you have to learn how to deal with it. The things that upset me most came from physical books adults gave me, thinking I might like it, and watching Jumanji at a completely age appropriate time during a sleepover. You never know when something is going to really affect you. And b) why it's so difficult to take responsibility for your own internet use. At 13 I knew perfectly well that if I clicked on a NC-17 story with content I probably wouldn't like... I probably wouldn't have a great time. If I did it anyway, that was on me. And the "back" button was always there. It's not rocket science.

[percabethfeelsfandom]

How I’d rate the Gods/Goddesses(riordanverse)

This is my rating based off the way Rick Riordan portrayed them in the Riordanverse. The traditional myths have been taken into account but do not make up my entire opinion. 

Hestia:

10/10 would give my life for this goddess. In all aspects of the word, this goddess is a goddess. I want a novella of her watching over the hearth and watching out for her family and the heroes. I imagine her being a very comforting presence and warm like a hug, and maybe this is me projecting my mummy issues but I just want her to hug me. 

Dionysus:

A solid 7.35/10 for Mr D. Naturally he was a bit annoying, but we were never under the pretence that he he was meant to be anything more than what he provided and I respect that. Him caring about his kids at camp, and staying relatively loyal to his wife is always a plus. And I like his relatively humble beginnings being a hero and becoming a god and then not causing that much trouble in the series. Unlike some other pieces of shit. 

Hermes:

4/10. Mans had no right blaming Luke’s thirst for mass genocide on 16 year old Annabeth. Not cool man. Not cool. He gets the points he got because he did genuinely care about Maia, and Luke, but he lost the rest of them by having a blatant favourite (who literally caused so much destruction). However I do still like his line about family in sea of monsters and never giving up on them. Nice meaning. But he was still a shitty father and only intervened out of self interest most of the time. 

Aphrodite:

2/10. I hate how low I have to rank her. But my god did Rick do her dirty in his depiction. Just the misogyny, the lack of depth, and the untouched potential she has as a character, as a goddess, THE OLDEST GOD/GODDESS and Rick really made her throw rose petals around the battle fields on one of (what was meant to be) the biggest fights of the riordanverse. Absolute robbery. If I’m not mistaken as well, she was a huge contributor to the issues and obstacles percabeth went through and we do not Stan. HOWEVER, I love her as a goddess normally, and what she could represent if she’s written properly. 

Hephaestus:

8/10. I have no qualms with this man. I too prefer the company of inanimate objects to people and get stressed about social interaction. And I too have mummy issues. So me and Hephaestus are on the same page. Let this man tinker away in his little bunker. He never went out of his way to make things harder for demigods, and was helpful when they came to him for help which I can also respect. (Point deduction because it was on his land that Bianca died…if I’m not mistaken). 

Ares:

-12/10. This man was introduced as a bully, and gives off the vibes of every phobic, known to humanity. I do not vibe. I do not agree. I do not stan. ALSO his motorbike seat is apparently made from "Caucasian human skin”!!!!!!???? We as children never questioned this? We just went sure aight move on?! Please this man has the biggest small dick energy if I ever saw it and I despite him so much. Mans was also never helpful. Ever. I don’t think. I think Mars was better than him though so I’ll give him that. 

Artemis:

9.99/10 all hail queen of the lesbians. Mad respect to this woman. In what she stands for, who she protects and in her actions. She’s what I embody when I stand up for myself in fights and when I speak to have my voice heard. I like Rick’s depiction of her and I love seeing her and her hunters pop up in his books. Would love a couple books on the hunters and their adventures. Also I love archery. And I’m biased to the moon because I love the night so she gets extra points for all of that too. 

Apollo:

Prior to Trials of Apollo 7/10, after TOA 9.90/10. Yes it’s a big jump but my god did Lester grow on me. Prior to TOA he was pretty average. He was funny, always provided a good laugh to the plot and was always helping the demigods which I loved. But I know he’s an asshole full of himself so I can’t give him any higher than that until he had some character development, which we got in TOA (specifically after Burning Maze). And I really like who he is now and the type of character Rick shaped him out to be. In the myths he’s a big creep, and I still stand by that idea, hence why he doesn’t get a full 10. 

Athena:

3.5/10…ughhh I hate to say this. But part of it is the same reasoning I gave about Aphrodite. I just have so many issues with the way she’s portrayed and it’s not accurate to what I believe in my heart she should represent. And as a child of Athena, I feel like Rick then did her entire legacy dirty. She has her moments, but since I can’t even fully recall one right now, it just proves my point. As a goddess as a whole though, what she represents is everything I aspire to be in life. She’s my entire aesthetic of hard work, creativity, and strength and grit, without taking away of being a powerful female. Zeus’ lead strategist like shit, Rick could have done so much. But he did not. And I am thus sad about it. 

Demeter:

6/10. I have no issues with Demeter. Kinda boring. I think that’s what most of the fandom thinks as well. She just didn’t get enough screen time or development. I have no attachment to her. I think the powers that she has, and has passed on to her kids is cool though so there’s that. But in the series as well she doesn’t do much. She also (initially) doesn’t fight in the battle of Manhattan so maybe I’m slightly bitter there. But yeah, i’m indifferent. 

Hades:

8.99/10 Okay so hear me out I know this man gets so much bad rep in the myths and that’s part of why he doesn’t get a full 9. But I really really love the way he’s depicted in the riordanverse, especially with his entire arc with his kids/specially with Nico. Like literally one of my favourite quotes In the entire series is “my children are so rarely happy, I would like to see you be the exception.” Out of the gods listed here (and excluding Dionysus), he acts like a genuine parent to his kids and tries. And like there’s issues, sure, but he works on them. And since so much of the first series is about how the gods are neglectful, seeing him change and seeing him fight for Nico is my everything. 

Poseidon:

7.1/10. Honestly this feels too high considering mans was nearly If not just as bad as Zeus in keeping it in his dam pants. His points come from treating Sally like the queen she is, and trying with Percy (albeit too little too late but I can see the minimal effort). That being said, he’s really shitty in the myths so I can’t really give him anything higher than this. He’s barely a dad, and sees Percy more as an ally than an actual son or human being that needs attention. I like him more in Fanon and the way that I write him lmao because I humanise him. But I won’t lie he’s dilf material, and I still like rick’s depiction of him. 

Hera:

3/10 I’m surprising myself with this rating because tbh I might even push her to 4.5 just because she’s so consistent in her own goals and agenda, and that perseverance is very admirable even if it was at the cost of some of my favourite characters. She was very much two faced though and fucked around stuff that she should have stayed out of. Her hatred for literal children though is a bit problematic. I have no attachment to her but I admire how much she just wants a family. However she just really needs to assess how she approaches that since it’s a bit messed up.  

Zeus:

-5/10 I really don’t Zeus, his character, him in the myths, everything about him. He gives off the vibes of a man who abuses the power that he was given. And I don’t like that. It makes me uncomfortable and I don’t like him at all. His treatment of his children, of the demigods, and the way he governs Olympus. Not a fan. I could rule Olympus better and I’m a mentally unstable, serotonin deficient 20 year old with a hyper fixation on greek mythology and Minecraft. However despite not liking his character, I think Rick does a great job at depicting him accurately to how he was in the myths. 

[olivia-anderson-fanfic]

A Miraculous TikTok Account

Part 11

First

Previous

Next

Rena was running out of time.

(To make TikToks. She wasn’t dying for anything except content.)

She’d figured that she would do Q&A type things, it was close enough to the content she’d used to make but far enough away that no one would suspect anything about her identity. It was perfect!

But the other heroes were… let’s say ‘less than eager’ to divulge much information to her. Especially not when they were being filmed.

Ladybug had pulled her aside one day to explain why.

“Rena…” She reached out and gently rested a hand on her shoulder.

Rena knew what that meant, she’d gotten it enough back when she was just a civilian. For just a second, she was thrown back to the first time one of her family members had died, to the way she had promised that she wouldn’t come back until she had her sister safely in her arms...

But she knew that it couldn’t be like that. Ladybug didn’t know who she was just like Rena didn’t know her identity. It was nothing that serious.

“We can’t give much information to the public. Hawkmoth could be watching.”

A fair point. It hurt, though.

She crossed her arms over her chest. “So we don’t show him our weaknesses, it’s not that hard.”

“We have to assume any information could be used against us.”

Rena frowned. “By that logic we can’t upload any content…?”

“We can’t upload any content of substance, no. Messing around in a store is fine. Videos of animals are fine. Anything beyond that is… potentially problematic.”

The idea of style over substance was foreign to the hero. Her whole brand used to be substance over style, done with a phone camera but close enough to fights for people to actually get a glimpse of the heroes in action. What was she supposed to do?

“What’s your niche, then?” Said Rena, hoping to get an idea.

“I was going to do some videos on mental and physical wellness.”

Yeah, no. That was a very ‘Ladybug’ thing to do, Rena probably couldn’t encroach on that in any way. But… what else was there?

Ladybug opened her mouth like she was about to say something, and then she shook her head and disappeared to her room.

Rena watched her leave in silence, and then fell back on the couch. She rested her hands over her eyes, something that was very uncomfortable due to the weird fabric of the mask on her face, and tried to think.

Ladybug had been fair. They already had enough of a gap between the information Hawkmoth had versus the amount they did, they shouldn’t make that worse… but then what was the point of them doing social media accounts?

And, she mused, why hadn’t Ladybug just told Master Fu her concerns?

Something wasn’t adding up, but she didn’t exactly know what.

The reporter in her was itching to find out. She didn’t want to invade Ladybug’s privacy, especially not when the other already seemed wary enough around her, but it was hard to just let go…

So, what could she do?

~

She grumbled as she went to Carapace’s room, not even bothering to knock as she walked in. It wouldn’t matter if she did, her miraculous made it so that most people’s eyes and ears slid right over her unless she actively worked to get them to notice her.

He was in his hero costume, though that wasn’t surprising considering he’d gotten back from patrols only a few minutes ago.

Carapace jumped a little in surprise when she came to a stop by his desk and looked up from where he was booting up his computer.

“Salut?” He said slowly.

“Salut! I need help.”

He raised his eyebrows a little and then shrugged. With a tiny wave of his hand, a second chair made of a bunch of different plates appeared behind her.

She took a seat and crossed her legs. “Everyone talks to you, right?”

“I guess…?”

“So do you know what everyone’s doing for their TikTok accounts?”

“I’m going to get footage of us acting friendly, Chat is filming animals he sees on patrols, Ladybug is ‘promoting mental and physical wellness’, and Chloe…” He sucked in a breath. “I don’t know what Chloe’s doing, but she started laughing maniacally when I asked so I’m not eager to find out.”

Rena pouted a little bit. Great, so everyone’s taken all the good and easy ideas. What else was there?

“I don’t know what to do with my account. Ladybug says I can’t do interviews and stuff because Hawkmoth could use stuff against us.”

Carapace briefly looked confused, and then understanding crossed his face. “Well, I can tell you that no one here would disagree with that.”

“I know, I know, it makes sense,” she sulked, resting her head on her hand. “But then what do I do?”

He shrugged. “I don’t know. Being the ‘smart one’ is kind of your thing.”

She frowned at that, but brushed past it. “I don’t really care about my image, it’s not that important to me --.”

“It should be.”

Her gaze shot up to see his expression was uncharacteristically serious.

He seemed to realize this, too, because he cleared his throat and brought a smile to his face again.

“I know you’re new, so let me give you some advice: keep your life as a hero and a civilian as far apart as you possibly can. Since we’re everyone’s therapists and all, it’s kind of depressing when you start thinking about everything the civvies tell you when you’re off the job.”

Carapace reached out slowly, giving her time to draw back, and rested a hand on top of her head.

“So, lean into your image. Lean into it so hard you become a parody of yourself. It’s better for everyone that way. Trust me.”

She reached up and pulled his hand off, frowning deeply. “If you think that then why did you agree to live with us? Why are you taking videos of us all being friends?”

“Well, I live with everyone because it was a good solution for some concerns I had about college… not that we really had a choice. Master Fu wasn’t going to give it up.” He leaned back in his chair and stretched. “And I’m taking videos of everyone because it’ll help when we need to do our whole therapy thing. People talk more when they feel close to you.”

Rena stared at him in shock. That was… surprisingly cold and calculated for the supposed ‘nice’ hero. Then again, by his own admission, he didn’t even see himself as that nice of a person.

Were all the other heroes like that? Lying about their personalities for the sake of the public or their mental health? And, if they were, were they keeping up the act while there too or did they consider living in the house their new ‘civilian’ life?

She pushed herself to her feet abruptly, startling Carapace a second time. She crossed her arms.

“I’ve got an idea for what to do. Thanks.”

“Huh? But I didn’t --?”

She was already gone.

~

Despite the temptation to disobey that she was pretty sure wasn’t entirely her fault, Rena had gone to Ladybug a few days later with a proposal:

“I still want to be an informant to the people.” She saw Ladybug begin to protest, so she rushed to finish the rest of her sentence: “Obviously, I won’t be giving them anything of substance, but it could help to make them feel closer to us as heroes.”

Ladybug couldn’t turn down the reasoning. It was what Carapace had listed as his own.

And, to her delight, Ladybug seemed to agree because she clicked her tongue and nodded.

“Fine. What’re you planning to do?”

“Simple stuff. A house tour -- making sure to blur and hide anything that could give Hawkmoth our location -- and then after that keep them updated on the news.”

There was a silence as she considered this. Then her head tipped to the side. “What do you mean by ‘news’?”

“Nothing major. Have you ever seen a drama channel on YouTube? Stuff like that.”

“... fine, but you should run your videos by everyone involved before uploading.”

Rena nodded her understanding.

~

She started with the house tour. If she was going to do this, she needed to gain their trust. A few normal videos, and then she’d start trying to slip the public information about the heroes’ true personalities.

Rena didn’t want to expose them to Hawkmoth, and especially didn’t want to expose their families, so she really was going to try to respect most of their privacy. For this reason, she did tell them all when she was going to do the house tour so they could hide anything that could be used to figure out their identities.

She started with the shared rooms like the kitchen and living room, but she brushed past all of that quickly since she knew that wasn’t what they’d be interested in.

Her room was first. It was the same size as every other bedroom in the house, but it felt tiny and cramped. There was a dresser, a desk, a bed, three different bookshelves, an end table… well, let’s just say that she’d brought more stuff than necessary. The room wasn’t exactly neat, it seemed that it would buckle under the weight of Rena’s knickknacks if she wasn’t careful, but it wasn’t necessarily dirty either; everything had its place.

She decided to put the more boring rooms in the middle for the good old watchtime. Ladybug’s room was fine but her personality was a bit dull when it came to this kind of thing, and Carapace’s personality was fine but his room was boring, so...

She was off to Ladybug’s room. She climbed up to the attic and finally figured out exactly what Ladybug had been working on since they’d moved in. Apparently she was trying to make an indoor jungle gym using the support beams on the ceiling. It actually looked like a pretty good workout, though maybe a little unsafe. Beyond that, the room was rather full. Random pieces of furniture (mostly chairs) were strewn about, loaded with a precarious amount of fabrics.

She found Ladybug hunched over a sketchbook on her bed, swaddled in blankets despite the fact that the attic was actually pretty warm.

She looked up at her and blinked. “Oh. Now? Okay.” She escaped her blanket prison with minimal struggling and then gave a short tour of her room.

Rena pointed to a divider on the other side of the room. “What’s behind there?”

Ladybug looked over and a blush spread across her face. “I don’t have a closet, so that’s where I put the secret identity stuff for now. Don’t go back there.”

For some reason, Rena thought she was being lied to. However, she couldn’t just go back there when Ladybug had just said that it would reveal her identity, so she just nodded and said: “Gotcha. Thanks for the tour.”

She moved on to Carapace’s room next. She pushed the door to his room open and sent a smile and a wave. All his textbooks were safely stashed out of sight and he’d cleaned up the normal mess of old snacks for the video, which somehow made his room feel even emptier than usual.

“Here we have a wild Carapace in his natural habitat. Though, why this is what he chose as his natural habitat is beyond me.”

He laughed good-naturedly. “I don’t need much.”

“I can see that.”

He smiled. “Ridiculous! Utterly Ridiculous!” He said, doing his best impression of Chloe.

Rena cleared her throat, and then did a perfect impression of her voice.

Carapace’s eyes widened. “Chloe?”

She tried not to laugh, and instead nodded and continued her impression: “Yes. I’m secretly Chloe. Rena asked me to take her place for this because she was tired.”

He didn’t seem sure whether or not to take this as a joke, and she gleefully left the room.

She moved on to Chloe’s room. It was… somehow both bright and dark in there and this threw Rena off more than she’d like to admit. While most people would take Rena for the hoarder (and they’d probably be right to), Chloe also seemed to have some hoarding problems; the walls were taken up with different luxury items from jewelry to handbags; the floor was littered with different plants at seemingly random intervals.

Chloe looked up from where she was tending to some plants with the help of a few bees (wait, was there an actual BEEHIVE in there?).

“I like your… bees…?”

Chloe snickered. “Thanks. They don’t like you, though, so I’d suggest you leave.”

Rena was a little offended that the bees didn’t like her, but she didn’t need to be told twice.

She headed to Chat’s room next.

When she opened the door she had thought that he wasn’t there. The lights were off outside of a TV which, upon closer inspection, she realized someone was playing a video game. Huh. She turned on the light.

Once she was actually able to see, she was taken aback by how dirty it was. Clothes littered the ground; the bed looked like it hadn’t been made since they moved in; there was a grand piano but it was currently being used as a trash can for old snack bags.

“Did you forget that I was doing a house tour today?”

“Nope,” said Chat from somewhere in the filth.

“Oh… okay…”

The video cut.

~~~

Taglist

@nathleigh @mialuvscats @sassakitty @th1s-1s-my-aesthet1c @blueslushgueen @woe-is-me0

[waitmyturtles]

This post was crazy thought-provoking in a million ways, and I’ve been dying all day to get my hands on a keyboard to get some quick thoughts down. So much of what was discussed here by @absolutebl Sensei has been percolating in my head since I started the Old GMMTV Challenge, and especially since I penned last week’s review on TharnType (and I myself am linking to @bengiyo and ABL Sensei’s amazing reblogs here as well). 

I’m not going to add on ABL Sensei’s EXCELLENT round-up of historical analyses on the development of BL vis à vis, and maybe even in opposition to, the kinds of tropes on which early- and middle-era BL (can I call the late 2010s middle-era BL? Ha -- I just wanna get to a point in BL where we can start saying “po-mo BL,” ANYWAY, SHUT ME UP) were reliant on. Tropes like gay for you, dub con, etc.

I have had the LUCKIEST FORTUNE, THE VERY GOOD FORTUNE of being able to interact with some folks who have been here from the start of the BL journey -- ABL Sensei, @bengiyo , @so-much-yet-to-learn​, to name a few. All of your historical perspective has helped me to see the gray and very gray areas of how and why BL has taken the trajectories it has. ABL Sensei and @so-much-yet-to-learn helped me to understand that Kongpob saying, “I’m not gay, but I love you” to Arthit was likely designed as a way to clear GMMTV before Thai censors so that SOTUS could air. But that could have also been appealing to, say, centrist audiences who may not have been ready, in 2016, to hear a person just flatly say, “I AM GAY,” and move on with it. (And -- that’s why I found 2016′s Make It Right to be so INCREDIBLY PROGRESSIVE AND BRAVE -- because MIR didn’t shy away from that, and was the first show to really EMBRACE that risk, vis à vis Tee’s, Frame’s, and Yok’s very forward-presenting queerness.)

I think, related to the question posed above, the history I’m recounting here, and from lessons that I learned after last week’s TharnType review, I’d like to say this:

In the communications I engaged with after I posted my TharnType review, I got one or two nasty comments, that was it (thank goodness). And the comments had to do with making a generalist, across-the-board statement about how TharnType, and the stereotypes and tropes it presented, were “okay” -- as if the commenter was speaking for the general population.

Here’s the thing. Judgement is in the eye of the beholder. I made a strong point in my review that my opinions in my review WERE MY OWN. I did NOT want to make blanket statements about ANYONE ELSE’S OPINIONS and/or joy towards TharnType. As an Asian, I needed to point out what *I* saw was problematic about the show. But as the very lovely @solitaryandwandering​ wrote in the comments, I ultimately didn’t want to yuck someone’s yum.

And -- what I heard in some private messages was a love for TharnType. And fuck -- who am I to judge? What I was MOST IMPRESSED BY was that I saw people ACKNOWLEDGING the problematic nature of where *I* thought M*ME was coming from, AND ALSO OWNING that they liked dub con.

That PERSONAL and accountable OWNERSHIP of what people liked -- all while grappling with my review -- I found it an impressive experience.

So what I’d like to say to the person who posed the question above is: know what you like, be definitive about what you like. Take ABL Sensei’s advice and know where BL comes from -- the good, the bad, the ugly, the bigoted stuff, the biased stuff, the racist stuff, the colorist stuff, all of it. Go on YouTube and watch Perth Nakhun’s videos about the BL industry and culture. Learn about Thai and Japanese and Korean cultures -- try to learn about what Asian audiences (as ABL Sensei points out in the husband-wife piece) think about these shows. Try to read their feedback on Twitter and elsewhere.

But be personally accountable for what you like. And if you have guilt about it -- try not to equivocate on behalf of anyone else, or even on behalf of the art. Just own that you enjoy it and move on. I saw that after I posted about TharnType, and damn if I wasn’t impressed by people grappling with it. I’m not gonna condemn anyone, I don’t have the time for that. But I am impressed when fans take a deep dive into understanding or trying to interpret the INTENTION of what artists are trying to do (this linked conversation about ownership was just one of the BEST convos I’ve ever participated in on Tumblr). 

I condemn M*ME. Even if you condemn M*ME but you like her work (as ABL Sensei says above about TharnType), and you own it, then -- you’re good. It’s best to do that, instead of speaking for a general audience, because of anyone implicit or explicit guilt you might have in consuming this media.

Hi.

I was watching TharnType for the first time. I started wondering why people have issues with gay for you and wifey and other things like that. From what I'm seeing it isn't intended in a harmful spirit. It's not received badly in the show in context. I'm not just specifically talking about TharnType but just these tropes in general. I was wondering if someone, the writer/screenwriter, director, any actor or someone else said that they'd intended it as demeaning or in a bad way... I don't know if I phrased that correctly. But I guess I'm wondering what people are basing this on. Even UWMA's Pharm's entire demeanor. Before I watched it I'd read that he is too feminine and damsel in distress-y. But watching the show made me realize that he is traumatized. I noticed similar patterns with other shows as well. Is it audience interpretations?

BL Is a Mess of Really Damaging Stuff & You Probably Shouldn't Just Accept it

Because, if you do just accept it without thought, you're also being damaged. If you're gay, you're being taught a type of gayness that doesn't exist and will fuck up your expectations. If you're straight you're misinterpreting what an entire group of people are like (that's prejudice, FYI). And if you're somewhere in between you're learning really bad behavior patterns for your coming out and self actualization journey.

And no, I don't think you're capable of distinguishing fiction from reality, because you've just asked a question that patently demonstrates a burgeoning parasocial tendency. (And yes, parasolcial relationships can and do form with fictional characters. Why do you think I am so terrified by KinnPorsche fandom and shipper culture?)

Here have some education, first one is free:

Imaginary Friends & Real-World Consequences: Parasocial Relationships (YouTube video)

But also, if you don't want me to rant about this, and you just wanted to justify your questionable taste, you should stop reading right now. I get it, denial is great! Go sail that river.

Here I am talking about the good BL can do. That doesn't mean I'm blind to its flaws.

Still reading?

Okay, well, now you asked for it.

And guess what, I'm not gonna sugar lube coat it.

Consider yourself Drunk Type lying in a bed and I'm Tharn's big c*** shoving some dry BL reality into your a******.

Oh, don't like that image, do you?

Tough nuts.

Put yourself in my position. I don't wanna have to do this either.

Consider this a "BL narratives made me do it" post.

I'm not responsible for anything, I'm just an archetype.

I'll be your seme for today and you were all just "too cute" for me to resist and now you have to take some tumblr dub con...

But first:

Seme uke when it specifically conflates seme with "the man" and uke with "the girl" is old fashioned, anti-feminist, and anti-queer. Here's soem of where I talk about it, but I talk about it a lot.

Pharm is a blushing maiden archetype character, I talk about it and what that means here:

It's sex negative. And a lot of it stems from internalized misogyny and ties to something called benevolent sexism. It's pretty rampant in BL.

Yes I think Pharm's behavior can be perceived as traumatized, but that trauma is brought about by In's past actions and the fact that In was punished (BY THE NARRATIVE) not just for being gay but for being a self-actualized pro-sex uke character.

There is a distinction being made between critical discourse over narrative versus how the characters behavior makes an audience feel (within the immersive experience of the drama). So viewers care, others do not.

I very much get why someone might like TharnType (I did) but actually also, you might want to think about why you like it despite the messages the narrative is sending... You might want to think about not just the characters in their little perfect romance world together, but consider if you were in the position of either of those characters how you would feel or behave.

And NOW the Dub Con Portion of tonight BL party

Okay I was trying to be my usual semi-welcoming snark self but ya know what, let's be VERY FUCKING CLEAR HERE because I am jet lagged and tetchy....

We (the collective of BL critics here on tumblr) aren't always talking about WHAT is depicted so much as HOW it's depicted, and whether that HOW allows the WHAT to skate by without encouraging the audience to reflect on the damage the WHAT does to their own perception of what is romantic. What is queer. Or what is morally acceptable for decent human ineraction.

Like thinking, for example, that's it okay for Tharn to RAPE Type while he is drunk.

Why on earth is that okay? It's NOT OKAY. It's just NOT!!!!

Did Type ask for it?

Did he dress too sexy?

Was his skirt too short?

Was he too much of a jerk?

Did he want it anyway?

Did he not protest enough?

Did he protest too much?

You gonna make that call for him, are you? You read his mind (apparently the way Tharn can?)

But SERIOUSLY.

What if you were actually in Type's position? Roommates with someone you didn't like who molested you when you were drunk. At home. In your own bed. What if that roommate didn't look like Tharn? What if your roommate were the wrong gender or body type or age or familial relationship (!) for your preferences? How would you actually feel?

Because if you're okay with this, really okay for yourself, you have a strong kink and you need to seek out the appropriate community or you are signing up for a very abusive relationship and likely an early death.

Can't put yourself in Type's shoes/bed?

How about Tharn?

Are you the kind of human who would molest a drunk person just because you desired him? Her?

Because they're homophobic and you want to punish them with your queerness?

Because they were a jerk to you?

You always get back at people by raping them?

You an old white dude putting your hand down secretary's shirts because they're just "too cute to resist"?

Why should you have to resist taking what you want? Who cares that there is a whole other human involved?

Grabbing ladies by the pussy any chance you get and bragging about it, are ya? Or is it somehow different or less damaging because TT is dude on dude?

So, are you gonna justify taking what you want and violating another person because they're the same sex?

Now who's being "gay for you"? This is going all the way into DL closet case "it doesn't count if it's with a man" territory.

Because if you are any of the above 8, please block me right tf now. (And... do I have a world leader to recommend for YOU to get into a car with.)

GAH!

Fucking TharnType.

Anygay...

I talk about dub con here:

My initial post about TharnType is here, but more recently here's us having a whole ThanType discourse unpacking Mame among other things as part of the BL movement both as a genre and as a fandom:

and here's an important article on rape culture in Thailand

Gay for you talked about here:

Wife language talked about here:

I'm gonna go watch some BL trash that, hopefully, doesn't have any rape in it.

Fuck me (consentually) I am so tired.

I'd drink but I did too much of that already this week.

Maybe I need to eat something.

Don't troll me just block me.

For heaven's sake please.

(source)

[kolbisneat]

MONTHLY MEDIA: February 2021

Whoa I know it’s exactly 4 weeks but February just flew by! Here’s how I spent those chilly days.

……….FILM……….

Barb and Star Go To Vista Del Mar (2021) Silly and sincere and just...a lot of fun. There is so much happening at all times that you’re bound to enjoy at least half of it. Maybe 2/3rds. Mileage will vary but watch the teaser trailer. Does that look like a movie you’d enjoy? If “yes” then go watch it.

Freaky (2020) Fun! And a couple solid laughs. If you’ve seen Happy Death Day then it’s similar in tone but I admit I think I liked that better than this. It delivers on the premise but almost feels like it has a tiny fourth act that...doesn’t really fit. Not bad, overall.

The Kid Detective (2020) Highly recommend. A good dark comedy with a wild third act and overall just a good time at the movies. I’m not sure if a trailer gives too much away so just picture Adam Brody as a washed up kid detective trying to solve a murder case.

Logan Lucky (2017) Pretty solid! It kinda drags after the heist (oh yeah, it’s a heist film...love it) but other than that it’s really rather fun! Worth checking out.

……….TELEVISION……….

WandaVision (Episode 1.01 to 1.08) While it’s starting to slot into the overall Marvel formula, I really appreciate that the superhero stuff is dabbling in weirder stuff. Between the illusion scene in Spider-Man 2 to this, I’m really rather hopeful that the movies will get more colourful and wacky and ever closer to the aesthetics of Speed Racer (also go watch Speed Racer).

The Bachelor (Episode 25.05 to 25.08) What. A. Mess. I mean I of course follow all the drama outside of the series and it really feels like 1 step forward highlighting the 2 steps back happening in tandem. Sure, Matt is bland and I really just want more of the goofy stuff that they show at the end of the episode, but those complaints are overshadowed by a really irresponsible casting and production that brings in super problematic contestants. It’s a bummer. But I DO think I’m winning my fantasy league! 

The Night Manager (Episode 1.01 to 1.04) Far less night managing than I expected, but what we ARE getting is a really solid spy mini series. Also I always think Tom Hiddleston is like...average to average-tall actor height (maybe 6 feet?) but he absolutely towers over most of the cast! It’s wild. Also a good show.

Crime Scene: The Vanishing at the Cecil Hotel (Episode 1.01 to 1.04) The first three episodes had me a little worried for how much they relied on youtubers and a community that feels...rather exploitative of a really tragic situation, but the end kinda redeems itself. I don’t think it holds them as accountable for the damage they’ve done and the problems they caused, but that’s just me.

……….READING……….

Magic for Liars by Sarah Gailey (Complete) As a character study, it’s really really great. I wish I hadn’t read focusing on the murder mystery component because that side is...fine. I was looking for clues and misdirects and it was too late when I’d realized that was not the type of book I was reading. I won’t spoil anything. Instead I’ll suggest it as a good book to check out if you want to read about a very human detective working in a world that is not her own. In that, i wholly recommend.

Gideon the Ninth by Tamsyn Muir (Page 203 of 453) Gosh I’m loving this so far! The lead character is so fun to read and the whole premise (okay...1 necromancer and 1 swordsperson from 8 communities come together to sort out who will rule over them all in a techno gothic haunted mansion) is bonkers but grounded and it’s a really good time. There’s so much chemistry between each character and lots of skeleton minions so I really don’t know how else to sell this book.

House of X / Powers of X by Jonathan Hickman, Pepe Larraz, R.B. Silva, and Marte Gracia (Complete) Really great ideas and as I don’t read a lot of X-men, it feels like two things are crucial to every big story: conflict with humans and time travel/time jump stuff. When I finished reading it I admit I wondered “is that it?” as it really feels like an unfinished story...more like a setup to bigger things. Turns out that’s exactly what it is and now there are a million books to check out. So I don’t love that. I’d still recommend this and will likely go back to it, but just know that it leaves a lot of threads dangling.

Dragon Ball 3-in-1 Vol. 3 by Akira Toriyama (Complete) This is a series I’m rereading during the pandemic and a few things stand out: I love that you can see Goku aging in the comics, the Red Ribbon Army is blaaaaaaand (but the underwater cave stuff is fun), and I LOVE the old crone/fight the universal monsters storyline. So basically this volume is 50% fine and 50% fantastic.

……….AUDIO……….

Calypso by Harry Belafonte (1956) You know that viral video of the happy trotting dog? Well since then I’ve been listening to Harry Belafonte and...more hits than misses!

……….GAMING……….

Hades (Supergiant Games) Alright I’ve made it out of hell...3 times? Not enough to really share with any pride but I’m still knee-deep in this game. Fun and perfect for a few minutes or a couple hours and hot dang I love Greek mythology.

Neverland: A Fantasy Role-Playing Setting (Andrews McMeel Publishing) The adventurers have been doing some mining and are now on their way to exchange their haul for a fallen star! Also the longer recap is on Reddit and is full of spoilers and more TTRPG details.

And that’s it! See you in March.

[little-red-toyota]

Final good bye to the fandom

TW//Trauma, triggers, nsfw, sexual themes, rape, domestic abuse e.g.

This is gonna be a long ass post…

It has taken me a while to get emotionally strong enough to do this, as I will have to think back at some traumatic events from my past to address some of these things. That's why I waited until I got home from vacation with my family, as it will seriously affect my mood and mental health, and I want to be near my doctor and therapist, just in case.

And also, I know that the majority of those reading this will invalidate me and tell me I am making things up to clear my name. So, I literally have to torment myself to write a blog post people will just brush off as bogus anyway. But I will do it now that I am in safe surroundings. Then it will be off my chest, and I can finally move on. If people will continue stirring up the past, it will be their problem, not mine.

I think I should write one last blog post where I address everything. I have left the TTTE-fandom, but I will write that one as my final goodbye to the fandom. I just have to find out everything I've been accused of so I can properly address them all in order. I might leave out details of my life that is too hard for me to open up about. I know most of you will just invalidate me anyway.

1. The Stepney fic and glorifying rape.

2. My mafia-AU.

3. The Darin incident.

4. Being a pedophile. (Where do they get this from anyway??)

5. Running the NSFW-blog.

6. Drawing penises/boobs on trains. Drawing age-regression art.

Is there more?

Ah... yes! Faking my own suicide, of course!

7. "Faking" being suicidal.

8. Having the audacity to survive and go on living.

9. "Making up" my past trauma to justify writing fics to cope with it.

10. Being a nazi for being interested in WW2 history and for being Norwegian and having so-called nazi-letters in my last name (actual letters of the Norwegian alphabet).

11. Putting a white-supremacist flag (the actual flag of Norway) on my porch on family birthdays and our national day.

12. Being a danger to my daughter.

Anything else that needs to be addressed? What else am I being accused of? Send me a dm and I will add it to the post.

 Okay, I will bump the Stepney fic down a bit as it is the most traumatic thing for me to address, I will save that one for last.

2 and 3. The dark au/mafia au where I gave some TTTE characters some rather dark and unpleasant character traits, and the whole incident with Darin and the pedo-Salty was addressed in this blog post written by my husband last year, so I am not opening that can of worms again: https://little-red-toyota.tumblr.com/post/623743183795470336/in-light-of-recent-events

Even the thing about Toby cheating on Henrietta is addressed there.

As for the au, I never fully explored it as I started losing interest in TTTE around the same time. I found other things to enjoy and TTTE faded into the background and the au was dropped before I even wrote any stories, apart from the one about Toby and Henrietta.

Some people claim, like this lovely individual, that most of the characters were rapists and pedos. No, not most. Only one of each. And I did not write more than one story about rape and suicide. Where does this person even get that from? Someone who told someone who had heard from someone who might have heard….?

Don't spread rumors unless you are sure that they are true.

Anyway, it's all addressed in that blog post in that link. I don't see how this mafia au is any worse than other dark post-apocalyptic or violent aus. It mostly was about the diesel mafia and their illegal businesses, not about sex, even if it did occur now and then. I find the substance abuse in it to be more problematic tbh…  

 4. Being a pedophile.

I don't even know how to defend myself against this one, as I don't even know why people think I am pedophile. They only throw the accusation out with no backing evidence, so I have no idea where it comes from or what it is that makes people think I am one.

Apart from one claim that I had faved "porn" alongside "strangers'" baby photos on DA. I addressed that earlier though. As DeviantArt doesn't sort what you click "like" on, it all ends up in the same folder unless you actively go through it and sort it into categories, which I don't bother most of the time. It also doesn't say WHEN it was added to your faves. So, I can have faved an artistic nude on Saturday, and then faved my friend's family photo on Thursday. It's not like I actively search for porn, get all steamed up and then look at pictures of children. WTF.

The few children I have faved are not from complete strangers, but long-term friends of mine. Yes, it is possible to have friends on the same website. I have actually met a lot of my RL friends through DeviantArt. I posted photos of my daughter when she was a baby, they would fave it and congratulate me. So, I did the same when they had a baby. As simple as that. Nothing weird or perverted about it. Due to people doxxing me last year however, I deleted the photos of me, my husband and my daughter from DeviantArt, so it's no longer there.

Porn isn't allowed on DeviantArt anyway. The nudes there are so-called artistic nudes, and for the most part I use them as pose-references when I draw as it is easier to draw a pose using a nude base and then dress them up once you got the pose right.

"The very naked" centaurs I have faved. Well, I like the mythological creature Centaur. And as far as I know… they do not wear clothes, so how are they NOT nude? Look it up, it's a horse body with a human torso instead of horse head. I don't see them as sexual, but what do I know? Maybe YOU do?

I have no sexual interest in children whatsoever.

 5. Running the NSFW-blog on Tumblr and Twitter.

Yes. I was one of six people modding that blog. ONE of six, so I refuse to take the full blame here.

MerciResolution has openly admitted to being the founder, and she recruited me and some others to modify as the confession load became too heavy for one person to handle alone.

The original blog on Tumblr worked as follows: People would anonymously send a confession to our askbox, we would add a picture (sometimes photoshopped) to the text and post it on the blog. Always tagged as NSFW and with proper trigger warnings if necessary! The blog itself was also marked as explicit, so it didn't appear in searches and such.

For us, this blog was nothing but a joke. We did it for shits and giggles. If anyone took it seriously and thought we got off to the stuff that was posted, we apologize for that, but to us it was just for laughs. And we DID laugh a lot, you guys should have seen the weird shit people sent us sometimes!

We had fun and we never thought anyone would take it seriously, so we never thought of writing "joke" in the description or anything. It never occurred to us that it could be anything but a joke.

We also made a Twitter account for it, also locked for minors. But it was quickly hacked, and someone changed the password so we could no longer access it. We made another account and forgot about the old one…

After a while, the original mods started losing interest and the blog (both on Tumblr and Twitter) became less active. That's when a person I had known for years, and wrongfully trusted, came forward and wanted to take over ownership. So, the ownership was handed over to Russalita/Charlie.

That turned out to be huge mistake!

Me and the other mods had more or less forgotten that the blogs existed, when suddenly someone started bashing me and getting up in my arms over it. I got seriously confused as I hadn't been active on it in almost a year. But as it turned out, Russalita had removed the mature filters and made the accounts open for all the see. Even minors.

And as people knew I was one of the mods, they fired their guns at me. I can see why though, so I'm not pointing any fingers here.

I tried contacting her by phone, asking her to lock the accounts again, but she gave me a less than polite response, hung up and then blocked my number…

So, I decided to try to shut the blogs down on my own, trying the old passwords. It worked on the Tumblr-account, and I managed to password protect it, for some reason it couldn't be fully deleted. But the Twitter account had gotten its password changed by Russalita. I was however able to get a new password by logging into the e-mail we had used to create it. I deleted the Twitter blog fully. It can't be re-activated even if we wanted to. It's gone.

But it turns out the old, hacked one is still up and now open for everyone. And this one poses a huge problem as we have no way of getting into it to delete it. Only thing we have been able to do so far is reporting it and hope it will be removed by Twitter. So I only have one thing to say about it: report it.

I am no longer running any NSFW TTTE blog anywhere, nor do I have interest in doing so. So, if you come across one, claiming to be me or any of the other mods, it is false.

 6. Drawing penises/boobs on trains. Drawing age-regression art.

People seem to believe I have drawn genitals on trains. I have never done such. Any art on the NSFW-blog with genitalia on the trains were sent in by confessors and was not drawn by me. Most of them seems to have been drawn by someone who goes by the name "The Lance".

I HAVE drawn things for the NSFW blog, but there were no genitalia in those drawings. I drew Frank of Arlesdale looking grossed out by (I don't know what the part is named in English, but it is connected to the brakes of the engine) that stick-like thing on his bufferbeam being wet from whatever the confessor did to him. I drew an over-exaggerated comical pic of a horrified Peter Sam getting his face licked by his driver, who had an enormous tongue. I also did a couple of manips. Mostly maniping engine faces on humans, like the one where Gordon's face is on a less than fit guy flailing his shirt around, and the Arlesdale smallies' faces on a movie poster from Magic Mike. One with Mr.Conductor in a giant bun while Pinchy is applying ketchup on him, for a confession about eating him, I think?  I've done some more, but I forgot what it was, I only know I loved making them comical rather than erotic, as I saw the blog as a joke overall.

I HAVE also drawn aheago faces on engines because it looks hilarious. Though I have only drawn them on my OCs and the NRS engines, not TTTE characters.

Point is I have never drawn genitalia on trains. Ever. And I likely never will. It's not THAT much fun drawing NSFW stuff.

I see from this screenshot that a certain MK-Instrumentalist claim that all my personal art is age-regression art and infantilism…

Whose art have you been looking at? Because it's definitely not mine. I have drawn a couple of baby/chibi diesels… But claiming that all of my 700 or so artworks are depicting infantilism and age-regression stuff? I suggest people go have a look for themselves. I haven't drawn that. That MK-guy has been desperately trying to cancel me for ages for reasons only himself know. I don't even know the guy, and he doesn't know me, yet he wants to see me beheaded. Go figure.

I was for a long time bothered by some age-regressor on Tumblr who just wouldn't leave me alone with their weird asks, who tried to force themselves on me and some other artists here. They claim age-regression isn't a fetish, but the shit they sent to my askbox certainly looked like a fetish to me.

I don't want anything to do with that stuff. It weirds me out.

And no. I have never drawn pedophilia or rape art either. This guy can't even make up his mind on which one to accuse me of.

 7 and 8. Faking suicide and having the audacity to survive and go on living.

As many know, after the intense shitstorm against me last summer, thanks to Darin, I attempted suicide. I didn't succeed as my husband came home early. I was gone for a few days but returned when a young boy reached out to me for help as he was being groomed and didn't know who else to turn to.

Recently I saw a screenshot where someone claimed me to have faked suicide, and that I just came back after a few days when everything had died down.

Wow.

I am truly sorry I survived.

I don't remember much from those days to be honest, but as the load became too heavy and the bullying too intense, piling up on 30 years of old trauma… I decided to end it. I must warn you guys who might get triggered now; there are detailed descriptions of a suicide attempt. Proceed with caution. People told me I was a bad mother among other things, having had those same thoughts myself (according to my husband, I am a good mom) and people just confirming them, I thought that my daughter would be better off growing up without me. I could have chosen a more effective suicide method, but I was afraid my daughter would be the first to find me, so I wanted it to be clean and look like I was just sleeping. That way it could be explained as natural causes.

So, I decided to overdose on pills. I downed all pills I could find in the house that had a warning triangle on it (strong pain meds etc.) and then went to my computer to delete my online existence, especially the personal data.

As a former paramedic, I should have known better. Because after half an hour, my body started reacting. But not the way I had hoped and wanted. I started retching and almost vomiting. That's when my husband came home from work and found me. He immediately saw the empty packages and knowing my past suicidal tendencies, he reacted instinctively. He put his fingers down my throat and had me puke everything up, then he called an ambulance and had me admitted to the hospital.

I don't remember anything from the days I spent there. But I have been told they emptied my stomach and gave me lots of fluids. I was then assigned a psychiatrist which I am still seeing today.

I was gone for those days because I was in hospital, not because I was pulling some kind of trick and pretending to have ended myself.

So… I am sorry I "faked" my suicide.

I'm sorry my husband saved me. I am sorry the medics and doctors succeeded in saving my life.

I am sorry I survived and proceeded to live on. If I ever make another attempt, I promise to do better.

Why are you guys so persistent in trying to push people to suicide anyway? Do you get a kick out of it? Why do people have to be pushed to that point before you care?

What did we tell our daughter? Simply that I got sick and had to go to the hospital. She took that well.

I've seen a lot of people wonder why I am still around. Why shouldn't I? Does my daughter deserve to lose her mother over some online crap she doesn't even know about? I owe her to live and watch her grow up, to help her with her homework and whatever else a parent needs to do. I also owe my husband to stay by his side, like I promised him the day we got married. Even if I do not wish to live.

I'm sorry I survived, guys. Really, I am.

 9. "Making up" my past trauma to justify writing fics to cope with it. And 1. The Stepney fic and glorifying rape.

 First… why would anyone make up trauma? It's not like it's a competition to have the worst life, is it?

Sadly, I don't have to make up anything. My life HAS been rocky up until the birth of my daughter. I have been through so much trauma I couldn't even fathom it myself before my therapist listed it all up to me. Until then, I had just been casually talking to her about it, like I would talk about the weather. I didn't cry or get in touch with my emotions even once while telling everything, because I was taught from an early age to never complain, to suck it up and go on. So, no matter what people did to me, I would just smile and go on, even if it killed me inside. I did not want to show any sign of weakness, because then they would attack me. A habit I developed through years of being bullied in school. Never show feelings, just pretend nothing could hurt you, then they would eventually grow tired of it and stop.

Except they never did. They kept going through all my years at school. To such an extent, my boyfriend didn't dare to show himself hanging out with me out of fear of being bullied himself… And as we grew older, he would start cheating on me too. And I kept smiling…

My next boyfriend was a bit older than me, and while that didn't bother me, as we were both well over legal age, it bothered him. We only lasted one year before he bailed out and ditched me out of the blue via an sms.

The next guy… was the one who scarred me for life. Both physically and mentally. A charmer at first of course, until I was trapped. He was unemployed, so he moved in with me, and I paid for everything from food to phone bills. All while he was dating several women behind my back, calling various pay-phone services and in general acted like a manwhore. As I worked as an electrician (also being subject to massive bullying and sexual harassment at work), he would be jealous of all my co-workers and if I ever came home late or worked overtime, he accused me of cheating and was extremely violent about it. He would also isolate me from my friends and family, making me think I couldn't get any other than him. If any of my male friends (almost all my friends are male…) came over, he would give me such hell afterwards, it was easier just to tell them it was a bad time to visit. And after a while, they stopped asking. This guy also demanded sex. Every single day. If I refused, he would punish me, mostly by flogging me with lampcords, belts or whatever else he had at hand. My back is a criss cross map of old, faded scars even now nearly 20 years later. I would have shown you a photo, but I am so self-concious about my body after all the bullying, I hardly even show my face in photos. Maybe one day… but I certainly need more therapy before being able to show naked skin to strangers, even if it's just my back. So I had non-consensual sex with him more often than consensual. It has taken me hours in therapy to even take the word in my mouth and call it by its proper name: rape. I was raped, almost every single day for little over a year, before I found the strength to break out of the relationship and finally throw him out of my house. It all ended when I found some revealing texts on his cellphone, which he was extremely protective of… Texts that revealed that he had engaged in a relationship with a 12 year old girl, and it had been going on for a while. Not only was he cheating on me, but he was a pedophile too. Needless to say, I didn't even let him pack his stuff before I fetched my shotgun and chased him out of the house. I don't know where I got the courage and strength from… but I was furious.

I thought I had gotten rid of him, but no. He started stalking me in public. Hiding behind shelves when I was shopping, his car following mine everywhere I went. I received weird letters in the mail with cut-out letters from newspapers, glued together. On top of all, his creepy, old uncle called me with some rather disgusting suggestions and tried to come on to me really hard. I had to change my phone number, and after coming home to my house and finding out someone had entered my home using a key, only to empty the drawer of my night table, I also had to change the locks of my doors as he had clearly copied the key.

He didn't stop until I got the police involved.

So, when I finally met the guy who would become my husband (or rather, we found out we were made for each other, we had known each other since we were 11 years old), I had major trust issues towards men especially and it took him endless patience and love to break me out of that shell.

But the trauma doesn't stop… or start there.

In the year 2000, on January 4th, I would experience something that made me unable to even look at a train for over 10 years. The Åsta accident (google it). I was a volunteer in the Norwegian Red Cross then, and a paramedic in training. Back then, you were allowed to start training the year you would turn 16. So, I was still 15 when I witnessed the most traumatic event of my life. The day started out calm, we were stocking up the ambulance after delivering a patient to the hospital when we got a call with the code "500", which means "catastrophe". Normally when we get that code it is a rehearsal… so we drove towards the coordinates with the thoughts that this was just an exercise, nothing real… we didn't prepare ourselves mentally… And we ended up in the closest thing to hell I have ever been… The sight of the burning trains, the smells, the sounds, the screaming… I still wake up by nightmares to this day. Though the moment that haunts me the most is when the screaming stopped… because we all knew why… I don't want to go into details, but 19 people died that day. But we also saved 67 people. I try to hold on to that thought. The age limit for starting paramedic training was raised after this, as I wasn't the only one who was too young for an accident of that scale. Today it is 18. A memorial stone has been placed on the site, but I still haven't been able to bring myself to visit it, even if we drive past the site every year on our way to visit family further north in the country. I needed hours of therapy to even be able to ride a train after this. To have gotten to the point where I now volunteer at a heritage railway and is in training to become a driver, is a HUGE step for me. My next goal is to visit the site of the accident.

On to next trauma… A previous employer, a rather large electric company in Norway, whom I worked for 8 years. The first five years were great, we were a close-knit bunch of electricians, and we had a great relationship with the bosses and higher-ups. Our labor union was strong.

It all started changing in 2009 when we got new leaders… and those decided to get rid of everyone who were a member of the union. One by one, they started harassing workers in various ways, trying to get them to quit. In Norway, they need a legal reason to fire you, it's not enough to not like someone. There has to be a good reason to fire someone e.g. theft, neglecting work… Since they didn't have any reasons to fire us, they started making our work lives gradually harder and harder until we would break and find another job. Sadly, one of my co-workers couldn't stand the pressure… He bid us all farewell as normal one Friday and hung himself the following day.. But as I was a girl in a male-dominated profession, I had been taught at an early stage to ignore anything that would hurt me emotionally, just arch my neck and plow through. I kept doing that, despite starting to feel more and more mental and physical pains… even my co-workers pointed out how I was being mistreated before I acknowledged it myself. I tried to tell my boss, but he reacted by treating me worse. So, I went to his boss… and that's when things went to hell. Instead of doing his job and listen, he started harassing me too. He deemed my over-weight a problem, and he started demanding I gave him detailed lists of what I ate and how much I worked out… Completely illegal of course, but by this point I was broken down to the point I thought I was useless and couldn't get another job… so I accepted. He started accusing me of lying about my exercise, so I started training at the gym in the basement at work instead. One day, while I was there, he locked the doors and turned the lights off. There were no windows, no cellphone reception and hardly anyone walking by in that part of the building… I sat there in the pitch dark for 3 hours before I was let back out. I still get badly triggered by narrow, dark rooms and rooms with no windows. To such an extent, I jumped out of a small window on the second floor of a gym when I was in boot camp. I was allowed to train downstairs in the bigger gym with windows on all walls after that incident…

The harassment at work went on for years until I finally snapped, ended up at the hospital and got into therapy for the first time. I don't want to go into depth about what more happened, I just can't… I can't bring myself to write it all. Luckily, I had gotten more education while working, so when I graduated, another company called and gave me an offer I just couldn't refuse. So, I quit my job and never looked back, even if the traumas I suffered there still haunts me to this day.

Sadly, even after switching jobs, now getting a safe job with sane leaders… I started to relax, and that's when all my past trauma came washing over me. And one day, on while driving to work, I had my first serious panic attack. It started as this feeling I used to have at the old company; getting sick to my stomach and having the sense of someone being out to get me… then it developed to breathing problems… and I had to pull the car over. I broke into tears, struggling to breathe, stumbling out of the car to read the logo on its side just to reassure my body and brain that I worked for a different company now and there was no reason for panic. I called my boss and let him know, because he also was a "refugee" from that other company, so he knew what me and several others had gone through. He managed to talk me down enough for me to come to the office to talk to him. That helped.

I got back into therapy. A better therapist this time. But sadly, it got apparent that I could no longer work as an electrician as there was too many triggers. I was diagnosed with PTSD, severe depression, and social anxiety. I'm still working on these and get better slowly.

I have been in therapy for a long time now, and it was my therapist that suggested I wrote fics to cope and "write it out". I tried to make up my own characters for this, but never felt any connection. I was by this time in the TTTE fandom and had met people with similar trauma and pasts like myself, and I started roleplaying with some of them. Me and a girl from UK then agreed to try to rp/co-write a fic to cope with our trauma. We both found it easier to write about pre-established characters we had a connection to, even if it was an au that made it barely recognizable from the original source material. Only the names and some minor things were similar.

That fic was Stepney's Virginity Gets Lost.

Do we regret writing it? No. It helped us write out our traumas and helped us overcome some mental obstacles in out therapy process. Our therapists cheering us on, because we finally managed to break through the hard shell surrounding us. We both cried for the first time in years while writing it, some of it through roleplay, because some parts were extremely graphic and brutal and very mentally exhausting. We had to take long breaks between each writing session, so the fic wasn't written in just a weekend. But we got a lot of darkness out of our minds by writing all this. And we were definitely NOT aroused by it, like this pervert here claims.

It's when you dare to touch and feel the difficult and dark emotions, you can finally move along in the grieving process.

Should it have been posted online?

In retrospect, no. But at the time, we thought it might help other trauma victims, as we also found reading about other people's experiences and fictions touching painful subjects helpful to ourselves. So, we posted it, never expecting it to cause such a controversy 3 years later. In fact, we had more or less forgotten about it until it came back to bit us in the ass. Or rather, bite ME in the ass, as I am getting the full blame alone.

Also, despite what people claim, it was not posted openly for children to read. It was tagged properly and hidden behind mature content walls. If a minor chooses to break that wall, that's not the author's fault. It's the same as watching a movie with an age restriction way above your age, not the filmmaker's fault.

I think MerciResolution puts it nicely here:

"If your problem lies with you KNOWINGLY entering adult spaces when you’re a minor, ignoring all mature warnings that are literally SCREAMING at you “hey, this is what you’re getting into. Are you sure you want to proceed?”

That’s ENTIRELY on you. YOU are the fucking problem.

We’re marking mature things as best as we properly can. If you decide to ignore them, that’s your own damn fault. We’re not your fucking babysitters."

Also, I never posted the story on Wattpad, so if anyone has done that, it's not me. I posted the story on Fanfiction.net, DeviantArt and AO3, that's all. If it's posted anywhere else, it's not done by me.

I had honestly moved on from it when people pulled me back into it.

Other people who have done questionable shit in that fandom are easily forgiven because "they have moved on" or "changed". Yet, nobody believes I can move on or change…?

I had moved on; my interests had changed. But people won't let me, so here I am… Having to defend some crap I did years ago. A fic I no longer have any interest in.

I'm not even interested in TTTE anymore. I have moved on with my own book project now and I would like to focus on that.

So, deleting my TTTE content, whether it was the SFW or NSFW stuff, didn't cost me a penny. It actually felt like a relief. The only downside with it is that people now can't read it and make up their own opinion about it, but will solely believe in what others say, and those things are often seriously bent out of shape and blown out of proportions to such an extent it's barely recognizable.

If people claim that Arry and Bert rape Stepney in the fic, they have never seen it or read it. That's not what happens. That's just an assumption made by looking at the title and knowing there is a rape/torture scene in it. But I'm not gonna tell who the victim is or who performed it, because this is the only way I am able to tell who has actually read the fic or not, who is just trying to spread bullshit and who is actually telling the truth. The person in that screenshot, has no idea what he's talking about.

Does SVGL romanticize rape and abuse?

No, not in the least. It's described as the horrible, heinous acts it is and is in no way meant to be cute or romantic and definitely NOT something anyone should get off to. If anyone finds it sexy, that's their problem, not the authors'. If anything, SVGL might romanticize suicide, because one of the characters isn't able to cope with his trauma and chooses to end their life. Which is something I considered doing myself when I was in the darkest pit of depression. So, I apologize for maybe romanticizing suicide. The following chapters describe how friends and family handle the loss and grief.

It also describes a toxic relationship, where one of the parts struggles to get out of it. They eventually manage to break free, but it is not easy. This can easily be translated to my previously mentioned relationship, as it was my way of writing out my experience about how hard it is to break out of a relation when your partner has broken you down to the point where you no longer believe in yourself and your self-worth.

The last chapters start to gradually become brighter, as both our lives started getting better too. But we never really wrote the end because we both lost interest in writing TTTE content by that time and just left it hanging.

I'm not the only one who has written NSFW TTTE fanfics out there. But it seems like violence and murder is more acceptable than sexual things? I do wonder how brutally mutilating children's show characters are more tolerable than sexually abusing them. Neither should be okay.

Some content creators hide behind "it was a joke". I have been told that such topics that SVGL touches upon shouldn't be joked about… so I didn't do that, and yet it was wrong? So how should such topics be treated? Be hidden like it's a shame, like in the old days when rape victims were told to suck things up and keep it to themselves? When those subject to abuse didn't dare to speak up because people would judge them?

I think it is important to talk about these subjects and why they are so problematic. Victims shouldn't have to hide their trauma; they should be allowed to talk openly about it without fearing judgement.

Some of you claim that writing isn't a good way to cope… You're trying to dictate how trauma victims deal with their trauma, and that's a dangerous path to walk down. Nobody handles trauma the same way. You might have your thoughts on how you would react, but you'll never know until trauma hits you… and you might not react the way you had expected or planned. Trauma messes with your head and you won't be able to think clearly. It makes you do thinks you normally wouldn't have done and can make you act out of character. So, do not judge people without having been in the same situation yourself. Ever.

Someone wrote that I have "more problems that just a rape".

Read that again.

Just a rape.

This person does not know how damaging a rape can be. And if you made it this far in this post, you know I didn't only go through one, but several. Not just by my ex, but also being ambushed while I was walking home from a party, and later; a co-worker forcing himself onto me at a building site. I can't go into depth about them all, I just can't.

Just a rape…

"Just" the feeling of not being in control of your own body and your own decisions. "Just" being robbed off your dignity and self-worth. "Just" having someone intrude into your private zone, tear your clothes off and claim your body against your will. "Just" feeling how your life force leave you as you realize that fighting against it won't help you, and you silently give up and just lay down waiting for it all to be over. "Just" spending hours in the shower, scrubbing your skin until you bleed because you can't wash the filth away and you keep feeling dirty no matter how much you clean yourself. "Just" waking up at night, after having relived the scene again in a nightmare. "Just" looking over your shoulder wherever you walk because you heard something or thought you saw something or simply because someone is walking behind you. "Just" the fact that you'll never feel comfortable walking alone at night again or have someone walk behind you. "Just" never being able to relax because your body constantly think you're in grave danger. "Just" a rape…

That's such a neck-beard thing to say. Someone who clearly think of other people's bodies as property or things. Not taking into consideration that we are living, breathing individuals with feelings. And that having another person violate us isn't something we like or that we'll easily get over. We want to choose who we give ourselves to, nobody should be forced. We didn't ask to be raped. We didn't want it. We didn't like it.

Rape is trauma.

Yes, we should have chosen other characters for the story, but we did what we did, and it cannot be undone now. So, if the only thing I will be remembered for in the fandom is that ONE fic, instead of all my other content, that's what it will be. That's what people chose to. I'm moving on.

10. Being a nazi for being interested in WW2 history and for being Norwegian and having so-called nazi-letters in my last name (actual letters of the Norwegian alphabet).

*sigh*

This is something that could only happen in America, isn't it?

Some people don't bother educating themselves. The "nazi-letters" you guys are talking about is actually part of the Norwegian alphabet and has nothing to do with Nazism or white-supremacy to do at all. The Norwegian alphabet has 29 letters, the three extra is æ,ø,å or in capital letters: Æ,Ø,Å.

We can't help it if some morons over in the US abuse these letters as symbol of their twisted mindset.

Yes, my name contains one of those letters. It is my name… and I didn't choose it. It is a common Norwegian name.

As for me being a Nazi?

Those who knows me knows that I am as far from a Nazi as one can get. I despise Nazism with all my heart.

But the reason some people choose to believe so… was that some guy who has no hobbies or life went through every single fave I've made on DeviantArt since I joined the site in 2006, which is well over 20000 faves. And he found a few Nazi-characters from a web series I was following about ten years ago. I am very interested in history and especially WW2-history, so I found that particular web-series interesting and faved some artwork related to it. What this guy failed to notice is that I also faved the Allied characters… That's ALL there is to that story.

I has also faved a pic someone made of Joseph Goebbels (I think it was?) as a Pixar Car. That's not because I have any nazi-sympathies, but I simply found the concept of turning historical persons, both good and bad, into Cars as an interesting project. I would have faved any other historical Carsified person as well.

As for me being a Norwegian and have a natural pale complexion, that's not something I can help. That's nothing I choose. And it doesn't make me racist or Nazi. Period.

11. Putting a white-supremacist flag (the actual flag of Norway) on my porch on family birthdays and our national day.

Again. Get educated.

This flag… is the actual flag of my country. The Kingdom of Norway.

There is nothing Nazi about it. It is not a symbol of white-supremacy. IT IS THE FLAG OF NORWAY.

During WW2 it was even illegal, so people would paint it everywhere in a protest against the Nazi-occpation and the SS. We even decorated our Christmas trees with it, and that is a tradition that has followed us into the modern day.

Again, if some idiots in the US choose to use it as a symbol for their disgusting logic, it is not Norway or the Norwegians' fault.

12. Being a danger to my daughter.

I need people to elaborate here.

What exactly do you think I do to my daughter? What is the cause of your concern here?

The fact that I have made NSFW content? How is that harmful to her as long as I keep it away from her? You DO realize that even authors, pornstars and moviemakers have children and that they can be good parents, right?

Do you think I read pornographic content for her as bedtime stories? Or show her porn instead of kids TV? How sick are you guys, really…?

Some people even wanted CPS to take my child away from me… Have a look at these screenshots…

You want a happy, healthy, innocent child to be taken away from a stable, safe home with loving parents just because you don't like the content the mother made? You want her to be placed in foster care, where there is no guarantee that she will have a happy upbringing rather than have her stay with her parents who love her and care for her, for reasons she'll never understand and wasn't even aware of?

"Think of the children!" a lot of you say when it comes to my content. May I ask why this doesn't apply to my daughter?

Why do some of you go as far as to wishing her dead or wanting her to be removed from the home she feels safe and loved in? How is that thinking of the children?

As for the douchebag in that screenshot. You claim that if your mother did something like that you would want nothing to do with her… I have a question: Do you know EVERYTHING your mother do? Does she include you in each aspect of her life? Even her sexual life? No?

How do you know she doesn't do thing you don't approve of when you're not around? She could be a rabid pornmag reader for all you know. But stuff like that is something adults hide from their kids. So, you wouldn't know, unless you go snooping around in her business.

Everyone is entitled to privacy. What I and my husband do when our kid is not around is our business, not hers, and certainly not yours.

Porn and parenting are to be kept separate from each other. Period.

And we do.

There is absolutely no reason to be worried about my daughter. She is a happy, healthy child in a safe, stable home with family that loves her and cares for her. Not just me and my husband, but also grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.

If you want to remove her from that over a stupid fanfic behind a mature content wall, you're the deranged person, not me.

 This is all I have to say about all this and my time in the TTTE fandom. I have left by my own, free will. Yes, I am aware that many people don't want me there. That's fine. I don't want to be there.

I am a bit disappointed in those people who just blindly unfollowed me and unfriended me without any questions asked, just followed the leader. Big users tend to dictate who and what is worth following in that fandom. They will even protect real predators, but I'm not going to open that can of worms now. I'm done with the fandom.

Some of those people, I have been talking to regularly, even supported when they faced hardships in the fandom themselves. But when I got in trouble, they ditched me without a word…

If anything, this whole ordeal showed me who to trust and not, and who were true to their word when it came to how deep our friendship was. True friends at least give you the chance to explain before they drop you. I hold no ill feelings to those who did, at least they asked me before judging.

And those who still stayed with me, are the ones who truly know me and who I really am.

Some of the worst libels posted about me might be reported to the police, but I haven't made up my mind yet. I am not mentally strong at the moment, so I don't know if I have the strength to legally follow it all up. I will ask the cops at work for advice on the matter.

All I ask for now is some peace.

You don't have to like me. You don't have to follow me. You don't have to like my content. Feel free to invalidate me, I know a lot of you will.

But please, stop bullying me and my family.

Please stop sending me horrid messages and death threats.

Please stop doxxing me and calling me.

Please leave my family alone. If you don't care about me, at least care about them.

Please just ignore me. I have already left the fandom, there is no reason to keep hunting me.

I just want to move on and go on with my life and the content I am currently working on. After years in therapy, my life has gotten better, and I want to move on.

Please let me.

[nightmarenoise]

Some thoughts on TMNT 2012

I finished watching the entirety of the TMNT 2012 series a while ago and boy, do I have some thoughts™. First of all though, the following is going to be my opinions and you’re free to disagree with them. If you feel like attacking me for expressing these opinions though, I’m just going to have to ask you to take a minute and consider that you are about to be a bitch online over an eight year old children’s animated show, and that maybe you should find something else to base your entire identity around. Secondly, I don’t hate the show, not by any means. It was fine. It was fine. It was fine, you guys. I wouldn’t have watched it otherwise. I watched usually about half a season per day because I have too much time on my hands but if I do more than 13 episodes, my puny brain will implode. That being said, I understand that the binge watching might have affected my judgement, because having to wait for a new episode to air each week hits different, I know. Still, I came home after work each day, cozied up in bed and watched 13 episodes of turtle shenanigans before going to sleep and my sleep schedule has never been better. But I digress. Also, I will compare 2012 to Rise, because that’s the only other TMNT show I’ve seen and because this is my post and I want to and it’s only initially.

I feel like the main difference between Rise and 2012 is that Rise is a character-driven show, while 2012 is ultimately plot-driven.

Why do things in Rise happen? Because a character wants something (the boys want to buy their dad a nw robe, April wants to spend a normal day with her new friend, etc, those are just from the top of my head). The motivations are ultimately mundane, and then the story goes from there.

Why do things in 2012 happen? Because the plot said so. Sure, the characters grow and change, but they’re ultimately vehicles for the plot. We don’t really take a minute to let the characters breathe. Usually, things happen because the Turtles saw something on patrol and they’re on patrol because they know the plot is waiting out there to get them.

The show starts with April’s dad being kidnapped by the Krang (/Kraang? It’s unclear) and April herself being spared this presumably gruesome fate because Donnie saved her at the last second. She then goes on to live with an aunt we never see.

We also don’t see much of how this affects April at first. Sure, she is shown to be sad and wanting to get her father back, but the episode ends on the Turtles leaving her at her aunt’s place and then we’re done for the day. Hell, the next time we see April, she just casually drops by their place to show Mikey how to make online friends.

Maybe that’s just me being overly criticial, but I could have done with more time between those moments, showing her coming to terms with things, her normal day-to-day live, or heck, even just going to the lair for the first time.

But we don’t get that because plot has to happen.

April isn’t the only character who suffers from that, but I feel like it affects her the most.

The writers seem to have learned their lesson, because when April loses her dad for the second time, to mutation this time around, she blames the Turtles (which isn’t wrong) and then doesn’t talk to them for a month while presumably going back to her aunt, who I suppose never asks any questions. She only goes back to talking to them when Casey tells her a similar story and she realizes something something, hurting someone without meaning to. Which is fine, but it’s also not really, because it implies April being rightfully upset isn’t valid, because the Turtles didn’t mean to mutate her dad and it was an accident, but it feels like it tone polices someone for experiencing a loss and not letting her take some time for herself to come to terms with that.

But y'know we need her, in part because she’s The Special, but most importantly, so one of the most tedious love subplots can happen.

I know they explained April’s specialness as her being a human/Krang mutant and the Krang needing her unique brain to mutate the entire planet because …reasons. Except for when they later attack New Yok and then don’t need her for that anymore. On that note, I do not understand Krang’s plan at all. Time passes faster in their dimension and they’re kind of at war with the Triceratons and have trouble with the Utrom, so they want to leave (even though the Triceratons are clearly also in our universe, so why not pick a different dimension to take over entirely? There’s established to be ten) and mutate a planet to take over. This is all well and good, except they’ve been at it for about seven million years? Krang takes credit for creating the first humans with mutagen and it’s been mentioned that they steered human evolution to the point where they could create a human/Krang hybrid, such as April. But why did they only have one? They lost track of her when her dad and her fled to New York City, wouldn’t it have been more convenient to have more mutants to do their vague mutant stuff they require by the plot to take over the planet?

Even if we assume that this first mutation means that the first humans didn’t surface between seven and five million years ago, humans haven’t evolved that much in the last couple thousand years. Why wait so long? It must have been billions of years for the Krang.

I know it’s a cartoon and stuff, but they could have easily removed that problem by cutting the line about Krang taking credit for human evolution and for the Krang having been with us for thousands of years. It just creates problems.

Speaking of problematic, the romantic subplots. So, Leo wants to bang his sister, Donnie is creepily obsessed with the first human girl he’s ever met and Mikey is such a good boy, he gets two love interests, because one isn’t enough for all the love and goodness contained in orange boy. I still think it’s weird because all of these love interests are humans, but I gradually got over that. I managed to think about this without physically convulsing for ten whole minutes, for starts.

Okay, so Donnie/April is just bad. The writing and the execution are bad. The characters are fine, I love Donnie, even though he focuses way too much of his time and attention on obsessing over April, but I can let that go on account of him being a teen dealing with his very first ever crush. April though  is frequently made to be a callous bitch who knows of his feelings and leads him on when she wants something, but pushes him away at all other times. I vividly remember the time New York was overrun by Krang and April helped Donnie bandage his injured arm and he was about to confess his feelings to her and she pulled too tight to get him to stop. Instead of being up front about it or just telling him that she either liked him or not or that now just wasn’t the time to focus on romance - all of which super valid in their own right. Rip the bandaid off, girl. None of them look especially good coming out of this.

It gets worse considering that after seasons of back and forth and even introducing Casey to give us a love triangle, everyone’s favorite thing in media and April redeeming herself by also being That Way to Casey and by redeeming I mean informing us that she just isn’t really fit for a relationship because she is very toxic in handling them, the whole thing is just kind of dropped forever. There’s no payoff. We spent so much time watching Donnie agonize over this, get worse, then get over his stalker-ish tendencies and get rewarded with a kiss and then nothing ever happens. They don’t even have a conversation about their feelings. The show tries to make it seem like there’s a special connection between April and Donnie because she kills him and then feels bad and brings him back, but, no. That’s not how any of that works. Ultimately this whole thing feels like a huge and infuriating waste of time. Fourth place. And that’s a kindness.

Leo and Karai get third place, mainly because of the incest. Neither of them is as toxic over this subplot and it also has the common decency of not taking up that much time, but it’s still weird. I don’t have much to say here. I guess it was dropped in the end, but maybe also not, but at least there weren’t 30 episodes about Leo agonizing over Karai while she was being weird and also she had her own thing going on and felt like a more fleshed out character than April despite getting less screen time. Third place.

Mikey gets silver because while he’s flirting with two human girls, they both seem to be exclusively into it and also he’s much more mature about dealing with it than his supposedly intelligent brother. Get this. Mikey, being mature at something. None of these ships are confirmed, but it’s a nice change of pace.

Raph takes gold because he fell in love with a girl after she beat the crap out of him and nothing is more valid than that.

Okay, the plot feels kind of rushed, in that they’re confessing undying love after kissing twice, but one, they’re teens and two, this is just the best we’re going to get out of this show.

Casey, well.

Casey exists. He doesn’t add all that much to the story. He has a delightful dynamic with Raph, coming in just after Slash confronted him with his worst traits and then reinforcing the “be a vigilante and do good”-angle and that’s nice. Outside of that though, he tries to hit on April, he hits things with his hockey sticks and I guess he has a family he cares about that we never see. Oops.

I’m very ambivalent about Splinter. I do get him and he’s a good sensei, but kind of a lousy father? Sure, his entire life went up in flames quite spectacularly, but as soon as he realizes his daughter is alive, he often seems to prioritize getting her back over the lives of the four sons he actually raised and spent the last fifteen years with? Also, he’s a dick to Mikey? He gets better later and then he dies. Hm.

Mikey wasn’t as annoying as I feared, going in. He was still stupid, but he had his moments. I also didn’t find him as funny as some of the writers probably hoped, but he was fine. He’s a good boy who deserved better every step of the way, but his brothers and Splinter are kind of not nice to him despite him being just as capable as his brothers. Neither is the show, often making him the butt of a joke or downplaying his achievements (producing super-retro mutagen, saving all his brothers from parasite wasps and the one time he saved the city from cannibal pizza it was treated like a “it was all a dream or was it” and nobody believed him). He doesn’t get a lot of development, but he’s the goodest boy.

Raph again surprised me. He arguably underwent the most development, dealing with his many demons and getting a grip on his temper. This was especially apparent in the Northampton arc when he did chores without complaint and helped Leo train.

Leo on the other hand, started as the leader of the team and ended the story as the de-facto leader of the family and also he was stronger now. I don’t know. Being a leader was his defining trait from start to finish and while he agonized over that, he wasn’t allowed much development outside of that. His first meeting with Karai introduced this subplot about him wanting to be irresponsible and do his own thing, but that was quickly dropped and never brought up again. I liked him best when he was being a dork over his favorite TV show or that time he went to space and on his first outing tried to hit on an alien lady. I would have liked to see more of that Leo, because that Leo was actually interesting.

Donnie, I don’t know. Most of his time was poured into the world’s worst romantic subplot and outside of that he had some traits, but he was mostly there so he could analyze things, develop antivenoms at the drop of a hat, finally create a retromutagen and build 152 vehicles. I like Donnie, but there isn’t much to talk about that isn’t directly tied to April. Except maybe how he promised to turn Timothy back into a human and then never did, even though we keep seeing his frozen remains in the back of the lab. For shame, Donnie. For shame.

To the show’s credit, a lot of the mutants looked horrifying and creepy. They had a tight grip on that horror vibe and it was great. They maintained a balance of comedy and horror and while it wasn’t great, it was a nice reprieve.

I hated Shredder and I know I was supposed to, but I will never get over what a petty bitch he was.

The thing that hit me the hardest was probably the destruction of Earth at the end of season 3. I was legitimately upset about that, so that’s probably a good thing. But when five minutes into the next episode Scrooge McDoctor Who did some timey whimey bullshit to reverse it, I was not any less upset. Make of that what you will. (No, I’ll explain, I felt cheated and it was cheap and annoying. Just when you think the show has some balls, it pulls a “sike” and then flips back to the status quo, usually). The space arc was simultaneously interesting and also not, with a lot of predictable plot threads, but at least we got more locations  than the same two nocturnal New York streets all the time.

The ending though was super weird. The other turtles then went into space and probably died or some shit, because they never show up again and also the Fugitoid’s head is alive in orbit, but whatever, no time for that because we have to go back, for the 50th time, to the Foot!

The plot has no time to unfold because the plot needs to happen.

Do you ever think the writers squabbled a lot? It kind of feels like a lot of them wanted to do their own thing and then someone else meddled with that and then we got a patchwork of unconnected threads, left loose and dangling.

I was surprised when we got some buildup to April’s growing dependence on her alien crystal and even one episode dealing with its powers before we got to the episode dealing with the crystal’s effects on her. That sort of nuanced pacing was new. I was also initially very sure that this subplot would only find its payoff in the season finale or half season finale, like most other plot threads usually did, but no, it got its own separate episode.

Yes, they went all Dark Phoenix, but the ending was super anticlimactic, because April killed Donnie and then someone reminded her of it and she felt bad, so she stopped being possessed by evil. They fucked up on the home stretch, but they tried.

I never liked the time travel episodes with Renet much, they felt weirdly intrusive and adding nothing new to the plot. It felt like the first one only happened so we could meet Tang Shen before she died and that didn’t add a whole lot of anything. It confirmed things we already knew and introduced Mikey’s love interest and that was that.

The show tried to do a thing about anti-mutant racism once, but it sure is a good thing that the only people racist against mutants were the mafia, so we don’t have to worry about making a nuanced take here. They could have done something really interesting, but then went for simple black-and-white-morality instead.

My favorite episode was when the boys played Dungeons and Dragons with a sparrow mutant.

The worst part of the show though was its fifth season. First it seemed like it would just continue from where the fourth season had left off with Shredder being revived - because like a good villain, or herpes, Shredder always comes back - by the worst looking dragon I have ever seen in my entire life, but then that arc surprisingly ended after four episodes, shocking me to my core. Almost as shocking as Donnie almost killing a guy, but then deciding not do at the very last second. Again, feels like they could have done more here, but then they didn’t.

The fifth season started with two arcs that seemed to tie up loose plot threads, like Shredder’s revival and the bug alien guy I could have sworn died when he was yeeted out of an airlock coming back to enact his grim revenge, all so Raph’s girlfriend could live on the same planet as him and then never appear on the show ever again. Also Mikey died and his brothers were sad for five seconds before going about their business and then he came back with superpowers and then he conveniently lost them at the end of the episode, because the plot doesn’t have time for things that are emotional or interesting. Then there was that time the writers were like “What if we made Yojimbo, but with anthropromorphic animals and also the turtles are there” and it existed and the Turtles added very few things to the story and then went back to their dimension and never talked about it ever again. Or the time they said “what if we made Mad Max and also everything was terrible” and so they did and Leo became a hulked up war criminal but everyone forgave him because he wasn’t himself but immediately snapped out of it after seeing his brothers and Raphael was on steroids and Donnie became a robot in what I assume was a reference to the comics where he died and became a robot and also Donnie ended up being the only one whose body died, but considering what became of his brothers, he was probably the best off? And Raph had amnesia just so he could say he had amnesia and it didn’t actually factor into the plot once because he immediately recognized Mikey. I don’t know, I hated that special.

But at least it gave me emotions. The best part of the “that time travel demon is back and trying to monster mash” arc was when I remembered that I could browse tumblr on my phone while it was on and then I didn’t bore myself to death and also didn’t miss anything of value.

The series finale was fine. Nothing to write home about, but perfectly fine, even though the show threw an awful lot of shade at the 1987 version.

I feel like the most jarring thing about the fifth season was that the show spent four seasons going out of its way to present itself as something with a cohesive narrative and a plot that goes on and on and then we get these disjointed stories, some of which have absolutely nothing to do with the story at all. Just the writers throwing some idea at a wall to see what sticks because they either didn’t have any ideas anymore, or too many, but the end result wasn’t great and I’ll recommend newcomers to stop after the fourth season, because for real.

Tiger Claw existed and he was infuriatingly capable and powerful and then his sister chopped off his arm and then he got a robot arm and that was it forever. I don’t know, some episodes felt more pointless than others, but some managed to be fun or interesting and some just added something they thought was fun and it ended up never mattering again. 

Some characters disappeared randomly, like the dove guy and I don’t care enough to ask what happened there.

Karai’s mutation being reversed off-screen was super bizarre. Sure, her being able to change at will as metal as heck, but it felt weird and incomplete and like I missed an episode. Maybe I did. It was also infuriating how her venom was a plot point in one episode and never brought up again after that.

Outside of that, I don’t have much insight to offer. Other people already exlained how the fight scenes, while nice, are not very accurate, especially the bo staff moves, or how the show is very dark, not in tone, but in actual absence of light and lots of greyscales or how most characters have singular traits rather than fleshed out personalities, especially the supporting cast. How there isn’t a lot of diversity in the human characters and how figure-hugging a lot of April’s and Karai’s clothing is (shoutout to April’s yellow shirt, it’s uncomfortable to look at, cheers) or how the female characters are frequently damselled.

I liked when the animation added personality to the characters because the writing sure didn’t think it had time for that.

All in all, it’s a mixed bag for me. It’s a fine show to watch if you have the time and it’s not all bad and I can see why people enjoy it, but it’s not for me. I liked some episodes enough to watch again, but I feel like in nine out of ten cases, I’ll opt to rewatch Rise instead because it has more of what I personally like, but I won’t think less of you if you enjoyed this version of the show. I’m not telling people that one version of the Turtles is superior to the other, just that I think it’s important to take off those rose-colored glasses and be critical of the things you consume every now and again.

But if you prefer plot-driven shows that can be surprisingly dark, you might enjoy this. Or you could watch Avatar, because it has that as well as three-dimensional characters and better worldbuilding.

Thank you for reading my way-too-long thoughts about an animated kid’s show.

[citrineghost]

Humans Are Historically Known for Being Terrible

Hi I’m here with an opinion today. Let’s see how many words it will take for me to adequately get it across on this very fine 15th of January

I personally believe canceling things from the past* is fruitless, pointless, and accomplishes about as much as censorship does

*We aren’t talking about shit like nazi Germany, let me elaborate further

So, as I occasionally do, I have seen a post on my dash today criticizing something historical that people are ‘problematically partaking in.’ That thing today was the wellerman sea shanty due to its ties with colonialism, slavery, and so forth. 

I’m not going to dive into this specific example, because I don’t know enough of the details and am not interested in going to find them out because I’m not planning to defend it or its history, so there’s no point. I learned what I needed to know from said callout post and it’s enough to work with.

To me, it is important that we remember that people, in general, have been historically pretty terrible.

There’s colonialism, there’s slavery (of all kinds, including chattel), there’s thievery, murder, genocide, sexism, the murdering of queers. There’s lying, manipulation, propaganda, and so many more things that I couldn’t possibly list them all. I’m not saying that everyone was equally shitty. I am aware that, especially in the most recent couple hundred years, white people, especially Western Europeans and Americans, have been pretty Shite.

Am I excusing them for their actions? Absolutely not. I think it is always important to bear in mind the way they played a part in cultures’ growth, death, and, ultimately, development from one year to the next.

The reason I’m pointing this out is because the result of people being historically shitty is that most, if not all, of our historical content, our history, is steeped in horse manure. 

There is not one thing you can enjoy from centuries - even decades - passed that is not here because of something inhumane, unjust, or otherwise terrible.

The only thing keeping us from canceling every other historical thing that we enjoy is our lack of awareness of how each thing ties into the whole mess.

So, we’ve learned that wellerman was sung by slavers and thieves and colonialists. What about that nice little folk song from uh, idk, Ireland or something? Let’s take this metaphorical song and ask the question, “who wrote it?” The truth is, for many folk songs, we just don’t know. There is a very very good chance that 90+ percent of nice, soft folk songs about lying in the grass or feeding chickens or baking bread for your spouse were written by racists, sexists, abusers, homophobes, and so forth.

Does that make it wrong to enjoy that song about lying in the grass and looking at the stars? I don’t think so. No one is profiting off of you listening to it, regardless of who wrote it. It’s hundreds of years old. Do you even know the name of who wrote it?

Remembering that times were different may not absolve something of its wrongdoing, but it does provide us context.

We have to allow ourselves to admit that most, if not all, historical things, came from or benefitted from atrocities or injustices that we would not stand for today. That’s just how human progression works. Frankly, if people 200 years from now don’t look at US, CURRENTLY, and think we’re terrible assholes, I am actually very concerned by that. 

The nature of humanity is to get better and better over time and to build a world and a society where we don’t feel the need to be controlled by greed or to consume unethically. The problem is, it takes time. It takes lots and lots of time. Would it take less time if certain people weren’t terrible, terrible people? Yes it would. But they are, and so it doesn’t.

The fact is, human progression and improvement will never reach its end because, as things improve, our perception of our past actions will change as well and we will begin to realize that what we were doing wasn’t acceptable and is no longer necessary nor excusable. 

Hate Jeff Bezos? Look around and see that 90% of people still buy from Amazon, because it provides the only affordable source of many products for people who don’t make enough money under capitalism to buy from a small business.

Hate Bill Gates? How many of us are willing to switch to Linux to quit using Microsoft? Speaking of Microsoft, they own Minecraft. Do we stop playing Minecraft?

Think Steve Jobs is a terrible person? Why are people still buying iphones, ipads, and macs? Why don’t we stop buying those so that he and current CEO, Tim Cook, quit making billions of dollars?

These are just a tiny amount of examples, using big names. We also must consider, if you have 100 books on your bookshelf, how many of the writers of those books are racists, homophobes, sexists, or abusers? I guarantee you it’s a non-zero answer. The thing is, an author who’s relatively nobody is not someone who gets canceled. No one knows anything about them but that they wrote a neat work of fiction and it’s a good book.

The question is, should we be expected to quit buying, consuming, and enjoying things made by problematic people?

In some cases, the answer should be yes. If someone is currently profiting massively from people consuming their media or products and people are ignoring their atrocities, that person could end u making millions or billions of dollars despite being terrible, which is something that undoubtedly affects all of us, economically.

In the other cases, the answer should be, do you want to? If you’re not comfortable with something, you should, of course, stop consuming it. If you can ignore the thing, you might not need to bother. And, that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re excusing it.

If we look at all of humanity, even in the present day, mathematically speaking, 50% of people are more bigoted and terrible than the rest. There’s no other way for it to be. Less than 50% would be a mathematical fallacy. Does that mean we only consume content from the better 50%? Does that mean we rigorously research producers and creators and their personal lives only to decide it’s not worth the risk of ‘contributing’ because they have no trace online except for a private Facebook account? Is them having a Facebook account enough of a ‘sin’ that it’s not worth it to buy their book?

This brings us to the censorship point

If you know your history, you know that censorship is a nasty thing. When one person decides who or what is unethical to consume from, they sometimes seek to get rid of that thing so that no one has a choice - so that no one is Allowed to consume that thing.

This has led to book burning, the destroying of decades and centuries of research about sexuality and gender. It’s destroyed religious texts. It’s destroyed content created by women that painted any single man in a bad light. It’s destroyed progression.

“But I only want to get rid of the bad thing that everyone agrees is bad!”

It doesn’t matter. If you open the door to censorship for yourself, those who wish to use it for worse reasons will become just as justified, in their own eyes, to do the same. You’ll have Christians saying it’s okay to get rid of gay content because it’s objectively wrong according to the bible. You’ll have conservative parents burning books with complicated topics like abuse and assault because they don’t want their children to have access to anything controversial or complex like that.

You cannot open the door to censorship for one group without opening that door for everyone. And that is why we do not censor things.

The question then becomes, but what of the people consuming that media? Even if it’s not censored, consuming it still makes someone bad, right? 

Not necessarily. People consume problematic stuff all the time - things considered objectively bad. However, people don’t always consume said media because they support it being normalized in the real world. For example, fanfiction or books with rape in them may be something a victim reads to cope with their own past or present. A book with abuse depicted may actually make a young teen aware that what they’re going through is abuse. Content largely seen as ‘problematic’ can often play a part in solving the problem it portrays.

Then there’s historical, problematic media. Now, this is an area where I feel things have actually been OVER complicated.

Because everything historical has some tie to injustice, there is no ethical way to consume it. 

There is no ethical consumption under passed time.

So, how do we judge whether something should or shouldn’t be consumed? It is my opinion that something historical should stop being consumed and become shunned when its meaning is well-known enough and its message is still pervasive enough that it is actively causing problems.

For example, we generally try not to consume content when it is made by someone who is a known nazi. This is because nazis are still a problem in our society, presently. We have antisemitism all over the place. Therefore, we cannot let the message become that it is okay to be a nazi by way of us treating nazis like normal people and allowing them to succeed in society without consequence.

However, there are certain problems that are no longer particularly prevalent or which are agreed to be terrible on a large enough scale that consuming the content does not necessarily imply you believe it is okay. For example, if you look at literally any media from the 1800s or which is placed in the 1800s, you will see a lot of casual sexism and gender roles. Should we despise that time period because sexism was readily available at every turn? Should we refuse to enjoy 19th century fashion or culture because it had problems? I think not. I think it would be pointless to refuse to consume, read about, or otherwise engage with the 19th century. It wouldn’t change the past and it isn’t going to somehow undo the progress we’ve made on women’s rights. 

As a matter of fact, if someone merely suggested that perhaps the people of the 19th century were right for forcing women to wear long dresses and darn socks all day, they would be laughed into oblivion and called a shitty, sexist incel (which would be correct).

Does enjoying media from or placed in the 19th century mean you support sexism? I certainly hope not, since I enjoy it very much and know a lot of progressive people, women especially, who do enjoy that kind of thing. It is common sense enough, at this point in time, that people don’t generally believe that the sexism of the 1800s was acceptable. I am not going to see someone watching a period drama and assume they desire for our present-day social laws to be like what’s portrayed. That would be a ridiculous assumption. However, I could not assume the same about someone I saw watching openly antisemitic content. I would quickly wonder if they’re an antisemite/nazi/white supremacist.

So, what about that one thing I heard had a sordid past?

Listen, if we’re being honest here, most things from history have a sordid past. Sea shanties? You bet. But then when we talk of sea shanties being steeped in colonialism, we have to look at the bigger picture. What about pirates? Pirates were, by and large, a huge contributor to slavery, theft, colonialism, and murder. Does that mean enjoying media with pirates is glorifying or contributing to slavery, theft, colonialism, and murder?

(I’m about to talk a lot about pirates but this can be applied to anything that was historically bad but is no longer prevalent)

Pirates of the Caribbean is only a movie, but pirates did once exist and they did kill people. They did raid ships of merchants and tradesmen and they killed them and stole their goods. They took many good men from their families and even killed working children aboard the ships. Does that make enjoying pirates in media a contributor to these things? No. It doesn’t. We are looking at a dramatised, cleaned up version of the original piracy. I think most people are aware that pirates, in the real world, are bad and harmful and should not be supported. That doesn’t make pirate media any less fun in theory, and under our own terms.

Then we arrive at our perception - because most of this does come down to perception. When you watch pirate media, should you enjoy that, are you able to divorce yourself from their actual history enough to enjoy the media? If you can, you might enjoy it a lot. If you can’t watch a movie about pirates without thinking the entire time about how terrible they were and how much damage they did, then pirate media just isn’t right for you. But, it doesn’t mean you should attempt to take it away from others. Your opinion and perception of pirate media is not the global perception.

I have to ask, do you think others view it the same way you do?

When you read that question, you may be wondering what exactly I mean. What I’m asking is, do you believe others view that media with the same “clarity” that you do? Do you believe they understand the atrocity of real pirates and Feel that the entire time they watch the media and still enjoy it anyway?

Perhaps that’s why your response to someone enjoying something you feel guilty partaking in is, “these people all must not care about the real-world damage pirates did. The fact that they can watch this (despite sitting here and feeling the same things I do) makes me sick.”

However, if that is the case, you must remember that for a lot of people, the awareness of real world consequence is suspended during dramatised depictions of it. It doesn’t mean they have forgotten about the real-world consequences of piracy or that they don’t know it at all. It just means they are choosing not to think about it in that light while consuming media.

There is also the assumption that people must not know about something when partaking in it. You may think, “How can they enjoy this media? They wouldn’t be able to stomach it if they realized what really happened with pirates.”

In many instances, you would be correct. A lot of people are ignorant to what pirates have done in the real world. If you told every ignorant person the truth, maybe 5% of them would then become turned off by pirate media, and the other 95% would keep the truth in mind and then divorce themselves from it to continue enjoying said media.

There are realities that it is safe to divorce yourself from, and there are those that are not.

Is allowing yourself to enjoy dramatizations of pirates making you ignorant to present day conditions? Not largely. There are still pirates today, but not nearly enough for the average Joe to need to take them seriously. Those who need to know about them and do something to stop them are aware.

However, it is not safe to divorce yourself from, for instance, the holocaust. Divorcing yourself from the holocaust and seeing it as merely a dramatic setting with dramatic events and not a present-day real-world problem is exactly the kind of thing that leads to young teens being sucked in by white supremacy and naziism as well as what leads to many average conservatives believing the rise in white supremacy isn’t actually real or is not a big deal. They have distanced themselves so far from the real-world atrocity of the holocaust that they have forgotten it was real and that real people, like them, were contributors. They don’t want to believe that everyday people had any power in it and that it was tiny acts of willful ignorance that made concentration camps so successful. 

All in all, there is a different answer for everything we consume.

Want to know if something you’re consuming is okay to consume? Ask yourself: is this produced by someone who is contributing to present-day conditions? If the answer is yes, quit consuming it. If the answer is no, ask yourself, does this media make me uncomfortable because I’m aware of its roots? If the answer is yes, stop consuming it. If the answer is no, it’s probably fine. You are most likely not doing any damage, so long as you are aware of what is wrong with the content and are not using it as grounds to perpetuate harm. 

If, when thinking about something problematic in an old piece of media, you cringe? You’re on the right track. If you feel inclined to make excuses for it or justify the wrong in it, it’s time to step away and reevaluate why you feel the need to do so. If you’re doing so because you feel guilty for consuming it, you need to realize that it is actually more harmful to make excuses for the wrong in order to justify your consumption than it is to admit, “Yeah, this media is problematic and contains a lot of sexism, but I still enjoy it for its other qualities.” It is better to admit that you enjoy something problematic than to spread the message that what is happening in it is okay.

Some of you may be thinking, “Or, just stop consuming problematic media.”

I think in many cases, especially recent media, where your consumption has an effect on production, this is true. However, for media that is no longer being produced, I will remind you that most things have something wrong with them - yes, even pretty recent stuff.

Supernatural kills off women constantly, queerbaited the fuck out of its viewers, and sent a huge character to fucking mega hell for confessing his love.

Scrubs has no end to its sexism, transphobic and homophobic slur usage, and other problematic content.

V for Vendetta glorifies and shines a heroic light on a character who kidnaps and tortures a woman for what appeared to have been weeks or months so that she would be forced to understand his trauma and “no longer be afraid.”

Star Wars has incest, the producers/directors abused Carrie Fisher and sexualized her as a young teen, and probably a lot more that I’m not aware of because I haven’t seen the movies nor read the books.

I don’t even need to start on shows like Breaking Bad, Game of Thrones, Community, That 70s Show, and so many more. Almost every popular piece of media has something worth canceling in it. There is no point trying to curate your media consumption to only unproblematic content, because it simply can’t be done.

Curate where it makes a difference. Sigh heavily the rest of the time. Make yourself aware what and how things are problematic. Put critical thought into how your consumption is capable of supporting or perpetuating a problem and how it is not. Make informed decisions.

Do not feel guilty if you are unable to flawlessly live up to the standards of purity culture. None of us can - not really.

[saintheartwing]

The Continued Targeted Harassment Campaign from the Troll Mundo De Bee, aka Debtoons, Aka Dedehbee

I'm sure this particular person I'm thinking of who recently sent me some VERY unkind guest reviews on my "The Pigshit Troll" tale on FF.Net will find out about this. I didn't WANT to talk about them anymore but then they kept sending more and more vitriolic reviews. Not just to me, but to my friends.  

See, here’s some of the things they said along with accusing me of trolling their fic, which I didn't, my critique was that their story seemed to be overlooking the fact Zim had done the mass slaughter of innocent humans and enslavement on top of that, and was Dib and Prof. Membrane hostage and can kill them at any time...all to make Gaz love him. So there's an inherently abusive power dynamic. But this person who I...at FIRST...was reluctant to name disregarded these very real issues I brought up and just told me, and I quote, "Go away, then. This story is happening whether you want it or not. :/"  This happened months ago. In fact, I brought attention to what they said back in OCTOBER on my DA account. So now you’re getting an idea of what they’re like. In response to a reasonable critique about problematic undertones, they just basically told me to get lost, then blocked me before I could respond to that. I tried to reach out to her friends after she complained about my review, and then she got mad about my "Jeremy" story, seemingly thinking that because I did a story about dark subject matter, I was being a hypocrite for complaining about what Zim did. 

Uh...that’s NOT HOW IT WORKS. 

The issue was the story wasn't addressing what Zim did as bad, my story made it REAL DAMN CLEAR what Jeremy had done was a tragedy and horrible, and that what he'd been through WAS VERY BAD. 

But YOU? YOU didn't do that in your story, it almost came off like you were putting Gaz in Stockholm Syndrome and going a kind of "Twilight" route of sort of glorifying a very problematic relationship. Now, I didn’t SAY specifically that in my review, do I actually think that what’s happening IS Stockholm Syndrome or exactly LIKE Twilight was, but it’s problematic in a SIMILAR VEIN. And THAT  was my problem. Not the dark subject matter, but you not caring about the implications...at least, that's how it looked to me. Or at the very least, not, in-story, treating Zim like what he'd done was wrong when it was. 

Anyway, that was months ago. I had basically forgotten about them until just I got these three anonymous guest reviews. I'm guessing that because they blocked me, they had to do it that way, they don't want to unblock me to leave a normal review. The reason why I'm pretty sure it's them is because they said, in their review, AND I QUOTE...

"And if my story had ANY grammar/spelling mistakes, that must be because I'm... not from U.S.? And don't speak English fluently? As a matter of fact, if you speak "only" intermediate English in my country (like I do), that's already one hell of an accomplishment. That's already getting xenophobic, ok?" Okay one, me criticizing spelling errors isn't xenophobia, how am I supposed to know you're from another country unless I actually go to your webpage or the like, and I'm not going to see that if I'm just replying to a review. So that's one reason I think it's her. 

Another is that she wrote, in her third reply, from "Opinadora (Guest)". Since that's Portuguese, and it happens to be the most spoken language (based on my Google research) in the home country this person says she's from on her homepage, i was damn sure it was her. She saw my Pigshit Troll story, thought it was about her even though the story was really more about addressing the...well, the actual, real life Pigshit Troll going around FF.Net, while also doing a critique both of common tropes in typical Zim story fare and also critiquing the common critique. It was me addressing issues with my own stories just as much, with Gaz forcing Dib to realize his own flaws. It wasn't really about this person who happens to be from Brazil (if her page is to be believed). They also said stuff like "I would say you draw like a 12 years old, but that would be a compliment, 'cause when I was 12, I used to draw at least three times as better than you" and "Also:I forgot, but if we're talking s*** about each other's works: not only you draw like a 8 years old, but the titles to your stories are also so f*** creepy that they make me nauseous even before reading the first chapter". 

So "Frost" is creepy? I can get why "The Pod People Invasion" is creepy, but a title like "Don't Read This Book" isn't inherently creepy. "Soft Hands" isn't. You're kinda just cherry picking. I made this journal pot on DA because she had decided to keep this "thing" going on going by leaving those guest reviews and assuming the story of “The Pigshit Troll” was about her, and she was just a total jerk about it. I had left her alone for weeks, MONTHS even until she popped up making those guest reviews again. And then she wrote "P.S.S.: If you give my name out to anyone who has nothing to do with this, and tell them to hunt me down, like you did to my watchers (which, BTW, wouldn't surprise me if you did), that just proves you're indeed a troll, and no better than PigShit here, okay? ". 

I was trying to be civil... despite how INCREDIBLY PISSED I am at you. And she also kept calling me a religious fanatic and other crap to her friends. I'm not, a simple look at my journals on DA or my posts here would prove that, so it amazes me that you couldn't be bothered to do research on me yet you expect me to instantly know you're from Brazil. So I find it interesting you expected me to look you up and find out things about you so I wouldn't leave a review you could find objectionable...but you couldn't be bothered to do any research about me. I mean, you seem very liberal, concerned about LGBTQ rights, worried about the deforestation in Brazil, those are big issues. And I sympathize also with having a fascistic leader in charge. You got Bolsanaro, we have Trump. I get how it feels.

That doesn't excuse how you behaved towards me. I'd stopped reviewing your stories, you're the one who brought all this back by reviewing mine. So if you want to talk, unblock me on FF.Net or here, and let's talk this out like adults. If you've got a problem with me, actually outright say it, don't leave it in a guest review.

Now, if she’d said "Look, ZAGR is just what I'm into, it's just a fetish of mine", then fine! FINE. She should have just SAID that to me. But don't just dismiss the moral questions I had by going "Don't like don't read". Because that's a fallacy. A story can start out great, but turn bad. Or start out bad, but turn better. And how am I supposed to know if it'll do either if I don't keep reading? Take, for example, Star Wars's sequel series. Started great! Amazing!...ended poorly. Star Wars prequels! Started bad! But the ending was pretty darn good! So don't just go "don't like, don't read/watch", because that's not a real, actual good argument. 

I had hoped, writing all this, she’d actually try and reach out. Or she’d stop.

But she didn’t. Let me quote what she sent to me next. "I was only mad because you plain trolled me on your review. Did you ever heard of "common sense" or "constructive criticism"?" 

Which my critique was. 

It was a critique of the character behavior of the main characters, not trolling. Bringing up the fact that Zim had taken Gaz's family hostage and could kill them at any time, but we were supposed to overlook that is a perfectly reasonable critique. 

But instead of responding normally, you just leave another guest review. I was willing to talk to you normally and to work things out fairly, but you keep being a jerk. Everything you've said hasn't been an actual, reasonable, fair criticism of any of my stories. It's just been 'ad hominem'. 

What IS ad hominem? That’s when you don't address the SUBSTANCE of someone's argument, you just attack the person arguing. Like if someone says "I think your story is glorifying abusive, unhealthy relationships" and you go "Yeah but you're into the inflation fetish so there"! That doesn't actually address the problem brought up about your story, it's just you attacking the other person. And she was doing that. 

For weeks I was nice enough to not bring up your name, but I said “if you keep it up, I’ll reveal your screen name because you're the one being unreasonable now by keeping this going, when I was willing to let sleeping dogs lie.” 

Her response? 

“Opinadora:I find it funny how you know you can't strike me back, because you know that I'm ten times more talented than you and that you're just jealous of me... u.u I'm not one to talk down on other artist's work, but that's what you get for being a snob. You're no better than me and you know it. In fact, you're no better than ANYONE, and I say that because you really are worthless. Yet you like to act superior and talk down on everyone to have some fun or... IDK. People like you shouldn't even be called "people". You're just psychos.”

She was engaging in the very behavior she said I was doing. I don’t get how she functions like this. This was getting insane. 

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE! 

She posted a of blog entry and I'll quote what they said. "I've been contacting a troll of mine" Anonymously, you did it via guest reviews on my story, you started all this again after I left you alone for months with three meanspirited reviews insulting me and my work when I'd been leaving you alone. And yeah, I responded by making the "fight" public, you refused to speak to me normally. I was willing to speak with you normally through notes or PMs on FF.Net or DA, you were the one who ignored that and kept insulting me in guest reviews because you still have me blocked. "He's not being civil enough to keep anyone anonymous." I haven't used either your real name (which I don't know) or your screen name. So this is just a lie. "He's going after my watchers to complain about me" I contacted ONE of your watchers who I knew that also made a story in which an entire chapter was deliberately invoked to insult me because an obvious villain character with my SCREEN NAME was used as an easy enemy for Zim to blow up. I contacted them to say "Can you please tell your friend to stop". Here's the full text, basically. "I’m sorry I keep sending these messages to you, the only reason I decided to note you to begin with was because your friend (NAME REDACTED) sent me three anonymous guest reviews, and called me a bunch of names like “douchebag” while insulting my art at the same time. I was willing to ignore her until she sent not one but THREE meanspirited shots at me. And I can’t reach her, so..." So it wasn't "your watchers" plural, it was ONE watcher whom I knew you knew because I couldn't find any other way to contact you, because, again, you childishly blocked me and refused my olive branch. "He should have enough common sense to know that his issue is with ME and none other." But you refuse to let me talk to you openly. On top of that, you're the one who blocked me, not the other way around. "He's such a lunatic he said he would give out my REAL NAME, if he knew. O.Ò" I never actually said that, I was clearly referring to your screen name. "I was nice enough to not bring up your name, but if you keep it up, I WILL use your screen name, because you're the one being unreasonable now by keeping this going, when I was willing to let sleeping dogs lie. " So now you're just lying. Plain and simple. I would say you should be ashamed of yourself, but it appears you don't understand shame. I know some people say "don't feed the trolls" but that doesn't always work. Sometimes shining a light on them is the only thing that does. And I swore to publish every word they've said to me if they kept doing meanspirited guest reviews done solely to insult me. 

What was their response to THIS? Well, they called me a retard. 

"Seu retardado:It isn't Stockholm syndrome...? And I KNOW that nobody will believe you 'cause you're just using ANONYMOUS reviews against me. Now, you've been quoting me on your tweets nonstop even after I blocked you. Just so you know, I ALSO reported you for abuse multiple times." "But go ahead. Do you really believe that they'll take your side of the story? I only gave out your name to warn my watchers about you ONCE, but you just keep quoting me when I blocked you, so we'll see what happens THEN." "VSF:Wow... You must REALLY be retarded. And here I was just saying that to insult you. O.Ò But I'm not apologizing for that when you didn't apologize for flaming my story, attacking my watchers, nor even trying to act superior, when... You're not. O.Ò And still you want to believe that you're a better artist than me. I should be laughing about that. 9.9 Seriously, what did you take? "

I’D HAD ENOUGH. Because they didn’t JUST call me all these names. They started going after fellow artists on FF.NET and friends of mine and leaving insulting guest reviews too. So...

What’s their name? I dunno their real name. But their screen name is Mundo De Bee. AKA Debtoonz AKA  Dedehbee. 

This is their page.

https://www.deviantart.com/mundo-de-bee 

This is their Twitter. Both normal AND NSFW 

https://twitter.com/Bee_Zorra

https://twitter.com/Bee_Zorra_Total

Their current FF.Net account (or at least I BELIEVE it is) https://www.fanfiction.net/u/8252861/Debtoons 

And their instagram.   https://www.instagram.com/bee.zorra/

They keep leaving really nasty reviews on my work. You can find some of their “samples” here. https://www.fanfiction.net/r/13241492/0/1/

Here's what they've also said. 

And this: 

They also said this on a friend's story in an anonymous review.

""Debtoons chapter 1 . 3h ago

You think Shaeril McBozo did all this? You're mistaken troglodytes. Shaeril McBrown is a stand by, she works for me, doesn't have a choice in the matter. Pigshit is an urban legend, he works for me. You're all such fools, you have yet to realize there is more to come, much more, and I will bring you all down. I have not forgotten what you all have done. I'm always watching, you're all my pawns, the game is mine, and I play to win. La Cefiera Queen Bee AKA Debtoons Also, stop copying my ZAGR ships, yours suck was."

I've tried to ignore her. But this has now been going on for MONTHS. I am done trying to be NICE, and trying to hold back. So I’m exposing her for what she is. She’s a bully. A hypocrite. A troll. She NEVER ACTUALLY RESPONDED to any of my actual problems about her story, instead just DEFLECTING and misrepresenting my points, then attacking the misrepresentations. 

I wasn’t even sure, at first, it was her  Even after getting another anonymous review from someone who said "I already know your name. Shaeril and little Debbie told me. Hi I'm Striberz. Actually, I'm anyone I want to be, but let's go with Striberz for now. Good to meet you b***!"

Little Debbie. Debtoonz.

She also sent THIS anonymous review to me.

The way  the review is written, the style, the little details, bringing up "Oompa Loompa" and the like and other little things that I never brought up publicly...this is why I believe Mundo De Bee, aka Debtoonz, is leaving me targeted harassment reviews.

But even THEN. After ALL THIS. My online friends suggested hold on, slow down. One of them said "I'll ask her about this". To try and get her side of the story. MAYBE it wasn't her. MAYBE it was just someone posing as her and trying to emulate how she talked. Months later, Mundo had written another story called 'Something called love', another ZAGR and DATR story. In the story, Zim was 20 years old, but Gaz was only 16. A friend of mine reviewed the story, making mention of the age gap and said 'Wait, that's illegal'. 

It was mostly a joke review but in all of five minutes, Mundo furiously spouted off not one, not two, but THREE pissed off PMs, calling my friend “Some Dude Who Likes To Write” on FF.Net retarded and the review retarded. Pretty horrible. Nevertheless, Some Dude wanted to be diplomatic, even after Mundo left a super nasty review of my story. Theyw  went to her Deviantart and asked if she left that revieand she said 'No', but the second they brought up the 'Oompa Lumpa' insult, a comment that Mundo had used directly to me in a note, well...she hid the comment and then ignored the other ones that were left and blocked Some Dude, pretty much indicting herself. 

Then, several weeks later, guess who leaves a review in which she accuses Some Dude of being a xenophobe, transphobe, misogynist and homophobe? Well, Some Dude knows someone who knows Mundo. They ask to talk. She PM’s them, she asks "What do you want to accuse me of now”. Some Dude says he’s not accusing her of anything, they just don’t like being called a bigot. Her response was to just deny leaving that review...and then to block them AGAIN.  Then we see a series of dozens of insult reviews, false accusations against myself, Zim’sMostLoyalServant and Some Dude along with others, all being attacked by her. She also evidently admitted to Some Dude that if she came across any review Nick and I left, even if it was positive, she would report it and tell the admins we sent the authors death threats. Which would be a LIE. 

And so...that’s what happened. Now you all know the truth. This woman from, I assume, Brazil, has been harassing me for quite a while. Me AND my friends. 

All this...because I wrote a bad review of her story asking why the story was glossing over Zim's cruel behavior and how much the story seemed to be like "Twilight" in a problematic way. I could have overlooked Zim falling in love with Gaz easily. My issue was why the story was overlooking his blatantly evil mass murder/blackmailing stuff and not acting like these were bad things at all. 

Her literal response was, and I again, I quote from her directly, "Go away, then. This story is happening whether you want it or not. :/" So no actual response as to why the story wasn't addressing the elephant in the room. Just that...and then blocking me when I tried to reply. 

I call that "cowardly". 

She's always responded like that. She never unblocked me, she just sent nasty guest reviews to me instead of reaching out to me directly on DA, or Twitter, or a variety of other methods. It can never be her directly putting her name on anything because she didn't have the courage to do that. 

She's a coward, she's a bully, she's a troll, and she's a hypocrite, doing all the things she's accused me of. What projection. How disgusting.

When I have an issue with a story, you know what my issue usually is? A moral one. And I'll say things like "This looks like domestic abuse, why are you acting like it's a you-go-girl moment for Gaz" or "Why is the fact Zim caused millions of deaths just casually overlooked". 

It's not "YOU SUCK!" or lots of swears or insults or all caps. Cuz that sort of thing IS a flame. That IS a troll. 

Saying things like "Why is the story acting like this character is a badass when their behavior's morally repulsive" isn't a flame. Or being a troll.

Anyway, now you all know. Mundo de Bee, Debtoonz,  La Cefiera Queen Bee, Dedehbee , whatever you wanna be called, this is what she’s like. 

SHAME. ON. YOU.