#okay my brain has been SO hard to handle for the past few days. just a constant alarm blaring through my mind at all times

[varjopeura]

.

[ifitmeanslosingyouthenno]

the hardest part's the awful things that i've seen

day 8 whumptober prompt: sleep deprivation | "leave the lights on"

mary would be fucking pissed if he ever saw him like this, huddled in some corner like some useless child, all the lights in the dorm turned on so that he could trick his brain into thinking it was day and he didn’t need to sleep

he doesn’t need to sleep

sleeping meant dreaming, dreaming meant nightmares, nightmares were watching his friends and family die in the hands of the butcher of baltimore and waking up covered in sweat, screaming and crying

or if he took the pills abby recommended, sleeping meant dreaming meant nightmares meant watching his family being murdered and not being able to wake up despite the horrors

so no

he doesn’t need to sleep

“neil”

right, the problem

“go away betsy”

she sits in a desk chair, probably his, since he hasn’t seen robin or his other two roommates in– days now

not that he blames them

“you need to sleep, neil”

“what’s the saying? sleep is for the weak?”

from the corner of his eye, he sees her smiling, but it lacks any real humor. interestingly enough there wasn’t any pity there either.

“yeah, i know that makes it easier to not sleep, but sleep is meant to let your mind and body recuperate from the day’s stress, both physical and mental, and it’s been proven that waste product produced by brain cells are eliminated only when one is sleeping, so if you don’t sleep well or enough, no waste product is eliminated, and the brain can’t work the way it’s supposed to.”

he has no reply to that, nor does he care about why his body might need sleep

sleeping brings nothing but trouble

it was okay, he could go days without sleeping, mary made sure of that

after a few days he can just crash and burn and be so utterly exhausted that he won’t actually dream

so he will sleep, eventually 

just not now 

bee remains patient and so does he

he needs to stay active if he means to stay awake a few days more, he can go for a run, maybe he can sneak into the court, run a few drills–

“won’t you tell me why you don’t want to sleep? you look exhausted”

he feels exhausted

but she wouldn’t understand and he tells her so

“why don’t you try me?”

he knows it’s a bait, and he doesn’t quite fall for it

he might be tired, but he’s still aware enough not to fall for it

“can you tell me then why you’ve left the lights on?”

“it helps me stay awake”

“why do you need to stay awake, it’s–” she takes her phone from her pocket and checks the time, “– 2:13 am, there’s no reason to stay awake neil”

he still refuses to reply, he’s got nothing to say to her

“david is worried about you, you know? about the effects this can have on your health, more than outside of the court before my words can get misinterpreted”

“i know coach cares, you don’t need to clarify yourself”

“then you know it’s a reasonable concern”

“i know it’s above his paygrade”

she snorts lightly, before composing herself, “maybe now, but when it starts to affect your game it will be”

“it won’t affect my game”

“it’s bound to”

“i know myself better than you do”

“i’m sure of that, but there’s only so much the human body can handle”

“i’m more resilient than most, i have survived days without sleeping before”

“when you were on the run?”

neil shuts up then. he slipped, but it will not happen again

betsy sighs, “my apologies, i don’t mean to push your boundaries”

“really?” he makes sure his tone is sarcastic enough for her to get it

“yes, i know my job requires me to push past your boundaries, but i know when something is a hard limit and when it isn’t”

“good for you”

“why don’t you collaborate with me neil?”

“you’re a shrink”

betsy sighs, “if you won’t let me help you because of my profession, then there has to be someone who can help you or well, give you some support”

that’s a low blow

of course she knows exactly who can help him

she knows he can’t just go running for andrew everytime he breaks down

andrew deserves his own life, without worrying about his stupid fucking boyfriend with his stupid fucking issues

he pressed his forehead to his knees

“just go away betsy” 

she sighs a sad little thing, before pushing back her chair and standing up from the sound of it

“you know i’ll be here when you’re ready to talk”

“leave the lights on on your way out”

she shuts the door quietly, but the click sounds like a bullet firing from a gun and he flinches

it’s okay, he’s fine, this is all fine

if he doesn’t sleep he won’t get nightmares, he won’t see andrew dying

he doesn’t need to sleep

fun fact! originally neil was going to break down and tell betsy what was going on, and she would help him, but where’s the fun in that?

[allastoredeer]

I read the new chapter of Holy Suffering as soon as it came out and I love the way u write Lucifer. For the past few days I have been reading Radio apple fanfic and I hate how lucifer is portrayed in most of them, shy , innocent with Alastor after the fight, and kinda out of character for the both of them, cause they suddenly like each other, and I don’t see it in them. They like to piss each other off, that’s the whole ship point.

Ur Lucifer is so sassy, Hits all the Good Characterization checks in my brain, he’s such a delight to read, same for Alastor. U had me going speechless most of the time Alastor spoke, cause I honestly didn’t know what he was gonna say next. Writing Alastor it’s probably hard, cause he is misterious and always hides his emotions but You totally nailed it. Right now he is probably angry at Lucifer cause he ratted him out lol

Al be like the audacity of this man after he forced him to do this.🙄

Anywhizzle I just wanted to ask, for the overload meeting, is Charlie gonna send Lucifer with Alastor? Maybe as a snake or something, to make sure is he okay. Cause she really sounded mortified that she didn’t notice that Alastor was suffering and man Al definitely didn’t like that, but it’s not like he can say no to Charlie so

A nd is there like a schedule for next updates? I am really invested in this story and I honestly can’t wait to read more of it.

Thank you ʕ•ᴥ•ʔ Hahah Lucifer's got bite to him, for sure. He doesn't come off as the shy type to me. Awkward as hell, certainly. In the throes of depression, absolutely. And he cares about Charlie's opinion of him to a fault. But when it comes to someone throwing their weight around--or, more accurately, getting involved with Charlie (cough Alastor helping Charlie with the hotel, couch Adam fighting/hurting Charlie cough) he isn't afraid of getting his hands dirty.

Alastor is hard to write ಥ_ಥ I love him so much, but sometimes, I want to cut open his head and properly study his brain because f;knslnjsbj out of all the characters, he's the hardest for me to pin down, in terms of both dialogue and actions. He has such a way of talking, and such a distinct voice (his radio filter) that it's simultaneously easy to imagine his voice, but hard to put it to dialogue. So, I really appreciate hearing that I nailed it (;´༎ຶД༎ຶ`) Seriously, it's so appreciated to hear.

Nah, Alastor is going to be going to that one alone :3 It's going to be set in his POV, so we'll get some insight in his thoughts on the whole thing, and how he's handling his current affliction. I'm both excited to and nervous to get into it, because writing him in someone else's POV is hard, so writing him in his OWN POV is a little intimidating, but I'm mostly excited. I have a lot of thoughts for this series, and it's gonna be fun to explore them.

As for a schedule, I used to try to keep myself to one, and I've found that I have both a love/hate relationship with it. One the one hand, keeping a writing schedule is nice because it gives me a clear view of what I want to work on and an goal date to get it done, which is very nice for my ADHD brain.

BUT, on the other hand, when I start putting that pressure on myself to get it down, and I fail to actually reach that goal, it hits me pretty hard and it can take away my motivation and joy in writing the fic. It starts to feel more like a chore than a fun hobby I can do in my downtime.

Thankfully, I am DEEP in Hazbin Hotel hyperfixation, and the amazing feedback I've gotten from my fic's is certainly fueling my motivation. So thanks to everyone leaving kudos and comments! It's seriously so helpful and I cherish ever single one of them.

If I had to give an estimate for when the next installment of the series will drop, I'd say either at the end of this week, or the beginning/middle of next week. I have an unrelated AppleRadio one-shot I want to bust out before I work on the next installment, and that one I'm going to try and post by Thursday or Friday.

To quote out favorite Radio Demon,

~Stay Tuned

[ashwhowrites]

could you write something for robin x reader where robin thinks that reader is straight because she seen her kissing eddie at a party but reader is actually bisexual and interested in robin. the kissing eddie part is just for angst lol

I loveeeeee Robin

Never proofread

I hope this is what you were looking for <3

~~~

Robin always struggled with reading girls. She couldn't separate friendliness from flirting. She couldn't tell if a girl was straight or gay. And that burned Robin a lot in the past. Always falling for the girls that are straight and never interested. Sadly, Robin was used to always being rejected.

With her latest crush, she ran into the same problem. Y/N was the sweetest girl Robin has ever met. Her voice was velvety and soft. Her smile was always bright and inviting. She was gorgeous, smart, and talented. It was easy for Robin to get sucked into her. But Robin could not tell if Y/N was just wanting to be friends or maybe something more.

Y/N was always quick to compliment Robin and it made her head spin. A new shirt? Y/N noticed. Did Robin cut her hair? Y/N noticed. Robin couldn't tell if she was just that great of a friend or if maybe Y/N liked her the way Robin did.

Chrissy was throwing a party, and the whole school was invited. Robin dragged Steve along because her anxiety could not handle a house full of people that wouldn't know who she even was. She didn't even plan to go until she heard Y/N talking about how she was going.

So now Robin stood in the corner, eating at her lips as she searched the party for the familiar face. And she found that face smashed against Eddie Munson's in a heated kiss.

Robin shouldn't have been surprised that she stroke out again, but she really wanted Y/N to be into her. Her stomach turned watching as her hands dove into Eddie's hair and his hands landed on Y/N's ass. The two were going at it like no one else was in the room. With a sad sigh, she asked Steve to take her home.

~~~

Robin avoided seeing Y/N all weekend but knew there was no escaping her at school. Robin convinced herself to just get over it and move on.

But once she caught sight of Y/N, it all went out the window. She felt like someone was twisting her stomach in knots.

"Hey Rob, I didn't see you at the party and you haven't answered my calls. Are you okay?" Y/N asked worriedly as she checked Robin over. Robin tried to ignore how red her face was burning up. Coughing as she backed up. She prayed her freckles covered the blush across her cheeks.

"Yeah, I got there then I felt sick so I went home and slept the whole weekend." Robin lied, hoping her lie sounded convincing. The concern is Y/N's eyes grew.

"I could have come over and helped you," Y/N said, reaching forward to feel Robin's forehead.

"It's fine. How was the party?" Robin asked, she already knew Y/N had a great time.

"It was alright, nothing really happened." Y/N shrugged

Robin's mouth moved faster than her brain.

"What about making out with Eddie?" Robin asked, immediately freezing when the question went past her lips. She was an idiot.

"How did you know about that?" Y/N asked curiously

Robin's mind blanked, blinking rapidly as she searched every part of her brain for a response.

"Gossip" Robin blurted out, swallowing hard as Y/N looked her over. With a slight nod, Y/N accepted the answer.

"I was drunk, he was drunk, and that was it." Y/N shrugged like it was no big deal.

Truthfully it was not a big deal. They were both single and welcome to kiss each other, but it killed Robin on the inside.

She thought of Y/N's lips all the damn time. Imagined countless times how soft her lips would feel. And it stung that Eddie got to find out.

~~~

Over the next few days, Robin tried her best to seem fine. Trying to hang out with her best friend like nothing changed between them. But the rejection was too fresh and it showed in Robin's eyes every time she looked at Y/N's lips.

It also caused Robin to snap at Eddie more than ever. She couldn't handle being in the same room with him, she just wanted to punch him, bust his lip open and watch it bleed.

Eddie picked up on the glares Robin constantly sent in his direction. He called her out and Robin surrendered. Telling Eddie all about her feelings for Y/N, and how badly it hurt to see him kiss her.

Eddie felt sorry for the girl. Seeing your crush on someone else was never a good feeling and it took forever to move on from it. And Eddie did not want to stand in her way. He made sure to clear Robin's worry of Eddie liking her. Agreeing with Y/N that it was a one-time drunk moment.

~~~

But Robin knew the same thing would happen over and over. Y/N won't be single forever, one day she will meet someone. Robin could sit and wait for that day, and suffer before it even happens with the what-ifs. Or admit her feelings...Robin chose to suffer.

The one thing Robin never did was tell her best friend she was gay, and she felt like it was time to admit that to her. Maybe it would ease her mind and help her move on. She wasn't sure how it would help her move on, but she already lied to herself that it would.

And that was when she found out her own best friend liked girls too.

"It's okay, Rob. I like girls too, and I wouldn't love you any different."

But Robin was stuck on the fact that her crush admitted she also liked girls. Robin had an opening, all she had to do was take it....she didn't.

Y/N did though, shyly scooting closer to Robin as she nudged her knee against Robin.

"Any girls in your mind?" Y/N asked, a shy smile on her face. Robin could sometimes be clueless, and Y/N had a feeling she would look way over Y/N's head.

"For a second then I get distracted by something else." Robin shrugged, her answer was painfully honest.

Y/N felt herself laughing at the girl, Robin was too cute for her own good.

"Well I have a girl in my mind and she stays there the whole time, and I never get distracted from her," Y/N said

Robin tried to sound supportive but was never good at hiding her annoyance.

"Who's the lucky girl?" Robin sassed out, crossing her arms over her chest.

"She's you." Y/N smiled, reaching down to squeeze Robin's knee.

"Um huh?" Robin asked, she turned to look at Y/N, confusion clear in her eyes.

Y/N rolled her eyes, smirking as she leaned in.

"This okay?" She whispered against Robin's lips.

Feeling Y/N's breath hit her lips had her in a trance, Robin's body froze and she licked her dry lips.

"Yes," She choked out, her voice cracking as Y/N leaned closer and closer.

Y/N smiled at the answer, pressing her lips against Robin's in a soft but passionate kiss.

Eddie Munson had nothing on Robin now.

[idontplaytrack]

Heyyyy I have a request but like I don’t know what character so I’ll leave that up to you

Reader has been a little distracted by the pretty girl that recently started working at the same place as her…will she make a move? Is the pretty girl gay? Questions need answers but reader is a little awkward especially around a girl such a pretty girl what will happen?

Sorry this is so vague :( my brain is sooo fried lol

Coffeehouse Crush

Amber Appleton x fem! reader

Warnings: fluff, coarse language, reader and Amber are both flustered, awkward messes lol

In which reader, a small town gay finds herself falling hard and fast for the new girl at work. One problem— was she even gay?

“Hey, y/n. Later, we have a new staff member joining us. Could I have you be the one to train her? Just for today at least.”

“Oh? Sure, yeah.”

You carried on with your opening duties: wiping down the countertop and equipments, then counting the ‘float money’ to make sure there was the correct amount of cash in the register. “So, she should be here by 8, just show her the ropes. Have her shadow you for the day, hands-on starts tomorrow. You know, cash register, POS system, how to make the drinks.”

“I got it.” You laughed, “Just as long as she isn’t as clueless as Dex, who— thank god, you’ve fired because otherwise we’d be making losses.”

“I think you’ll be just fine. She has experience in F&B.” Your manager assured.

“I’ll hold you to that, Wendy. Okay, three hundred’s in the register— we’re all set.”

“Good.” Wendy shrugs, “Okay, Kaley should be here at 8:30, if she isn’t. We’re on our own.”

“Damn, okay.” You laughed, “Does that mean you’ll be out here too, then?”

“Only if Kaley doesn’t show. Otherwise, you and the new girl will be able to handle it.” Wendy bites back a laugh, “Sunday…it’ll be pretty calm. We’re near a whole bunch of offices and it’s the weekend.”

Wendy heads into her office while you leaned against the counter, watching people walk by. Ten people must’ve walked by in the last few minutes but not one walked in. You decided to take this time to make yourself a drink since there weren’t any customers. Then, you even had the time to drink it.

A few minutes later, a girl— probably your age, walks in. “Hi, I’m Amber. It’s my first day here today.”

“Oh! Right, the manager told me you were.” You snapped out of your thoughts.

Shit, that smile. It was so contagious. She just exudes such a good vibe. Smiling back at her, you introduced yourself, “Amber, I’m y/n. Our manager, Wendy has put me in charge of training you for today. But your job, for now is to just shadow me for the day and familiarise yourself with everything.”

“Hi, y/n.”

“Pick out a locker in the break room to your right, and that’ll be yours. I’ll just go get your apron and name tag for you from Wendy.”

“Okay.” She was still smiling. Damn, was she adorable.

She walks past you to get to the break room, you then went the opposite direction to Wendy’s office. You caught a whiff of her watermelon shampoo when she walked by. Stop it, y/n— that’s creepy.

“Oh, good. She’s here early. Here’s her apron and name tag.” Wendy hands the piece of fabric to you and the name tag. “Thanks.” You took them and exited her office, right when Amber walks back out from the break room. You hand her the items and let her put them on.

“So, today’s Sunday. Sundays are usually our more ‘quiet’ days. Not as many people come by on Sundays since we’re mainly near offices. Before some people start coming in around nine, I think I could probably show you how to make a couple drinks first.”

“Okay.” She nodded, eager.

“I don’t know how you have this much energy in the morning.” You chuckled over your words, reaching your hand out to grab a takeout cup then grabbed the recipe booklet.

“Okay, Amber. Take your pick— which one do you want?”

“What do you mean?”

You snorted, laughing, “Pick a drink you think you’d like— after you make it, you get to have it.”

She squints, “Really?”

“Yeah. I swear.” You nod, “If you don’t believe me, ask Wendy later when she walks out here.”

“No, no, no.” She gasped, “I believe you, it’s just usually. Based on my experience at my old jobs, I had to pay.”

“Not here you don’t.” You assured, “Go on.”

Her hand brushes against yours when she took the laminated booklet from you. You felt a spark, pursing your lips together and looking away from her briefly. She laughs, flipping through the pages. You could feel her gaze on you.

Damn it, Amber. Damn it.

While you taught her how to make the drink she picked out— it was a coconut milk latte, nothing too difficult. You chatted with her, learning way more about her than you’d expected to in such a short period of time. “Hey, y/n.” You heard. But you just could not focus. Your eyes, they were stuck on looking at Amber, looking at her sip on her coffee, happy that she got the hang of it so quickly.

“y/n.” You heard your name again.

“Hey!” You felt a tap on your shoulder. Startled, you gasped and quickly turned around. “Wendy. Oh, my God. Sorry.” You apologised.

“Amber said you scalded your hand. Let me see.” Wendy says, “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, just a little…distracted.” You say.

“Distracted?” She smirks, looking at you then your hand, then finally at Amber, “I think your hand will be fine but you’ll get a few blisters, but be careful and let them heal properly. Did you run it under cold water yet?”

“No.”

“Go do that. It might lessen the pain for you a little.” Wendy urged. You excused yourself then went to the break room to tend to your burn.

See if this was how working with Amber was going to be like, you would end up with cuts and burns all over yourself from being so distracted by her…beauty.

“Hey!” Amber’s voice cut through the room, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah. I— I’m okay.”

“Sorry, I scared you. Didn’t I?”

“No, no, no, no…you didn’t— okay, I— I gotta ask you something but I don’t really know how to ask you—”

“Okay, breathe maybe.” She giggles, “Calm down and just ask me whatever you want. I’m all ears.”

And you did, you took a few deep breaths to regulate your breathing and it helped. You felt better and less…flustered.

“Are you gay?” You hurriedly asked.

“I…am bi.” She tells you.

“Are you seeing anyone? Because I kinda, maybe have a crush on you and I need an answer. I don’t want to be weird and just have feelings for someone that’s attached.” You rambled, “Because that would — would be bad, and I don’t want to ruin things for you, and have you hate me—”

“y/n, look at me.” She holds onto your hands gently, “Look at me. And listen closely— I just moved here, I don’t know anyone. I am single, and bi, and I think…you’re really pretty.”

You freaking choked on your own spit. “Uh…” Chuckling in sheer shock, you say, “I’m sorry what?”

“You’re pretty.” She steps forward and cups your cheek, smiling.

“Aw.” You blushed, “Damn. And I thought you were the shy one.”

“Not once you get to know me.” She shrugs, a cheeky grin on her face.

“You…wanna hang out after work?”

“Oh, yeah I sure do.” Amber winks.

You sigh, “Well, I’m looking forward to it. Let’s get back to work, shall we?”

“Yes, we shall.” Amber laughs, lacing your fingers together with hers for a second before letting go.

“Oh, Amber…” A quiet sigh falls from your lips.

“Yes?”

“Nothing. You’re pretty.” You bit back a grin, hiding the blush forming on your cheeks.

“Aw. Aren’t you so sweet?”

————

🏷️ Tag list:

@ashecampos @auliisflower @cheesysoup-arlo @frogs00 @reneeswif3 @ludoesartnstuffs @pda128

[spoopydooblr]

My King Will Be Kind Chapter 11 / Kendall Roy x OC

an: oh my god this one is a doozy. i feel like yall deserve the angst here fr, thank you for the love and support! writing this story has been so fucking fun and i can't believe it's almost over. (will i write a part 2 aka season 5 of succession? maybe....) this chapter is a good oneeeeeeee

tw: cursing, mentions of death, angst

Stella woke up on election morning with hundreds of texts bombarding her phone.

"Fuck." She muttered, scrolling through.

Kendall had posted one of the pictures they took the night before. They were sitting on his fancy, all white couch in the penthouse, his arm around her. His gaze was on her as she looked into the camera. Obviously, they looked great, but she was still upset about the night before and how Kendall treated Matsson. Of course he had no idea that Lukas had harassed her all night, but still. He had run off with Ebba earlier in the night and she was definitely not thrilled about that either.

Kendall had texted her too, and though she was mad, the silent treatment wasn't really Stella's thing.

She caved and called him, sitting up in bed. It was definitely past ten, but she didn't have much work as it was Election Day.

"I was getting worried." Ken chuckled on the other side of the phone. "What happened last night?  Did you like my insta post?"

"Yeah, yeah, I did. Sorry. It was just a lot—"

"Understandable." He smiled. "Did you have a good time, though? I thought the party was pretty lit."

Stella cracked a smile. He was always trying to be hip with her but was always a few years behind on the lingo. "It was super lit."

He was quiet for a second. "Uh, I don't wanna be that guy, but Shiv told me she saw you with Matsson."

"Oh."

"Like, I get it. But—"

"You have nothing to worry about, Ken. Seriously." Her voice cracked a little, the memories of the night before flooding her brain. If Shiv didn't separate them, what would have happened? Not that she would have cheated—definitely not. But Matsson had gotten awfully drunk and awfully close to her. "He kind of...um, he kind of harassed me."

"What?"

"It's not a big deal. He just, kind of like, I don't know. He was weird."

"Are you fucking kidding me?"

She sighed. "I wish."

"Fuck." Kendall half-yelled. He had never been loud with her before. "I'm gonna fucking kill him."

"It's okay, really. He was drunk and just wanted to fuck with you." She pleaded. "I'm a big girl, I handled it."

He was quiet on the other line, clearly plotting his next moves. "Okay."

"I'm yours, Ken. Please don't worry."

"I know."

She remembered Kendall following Ebba to the balcony. If he got to question her, she was certainly going to question him. "Um, I don't wanna be that girl, but I saw you with Ebba."

Kendall sighed. "Business shit. I was fucking with Lukas."

"Ah."

"Trust me, you were the, uh, hottest girl there last night. Not that it was hard. But still. I'm kinda not surprised Lukas was trying to fuck you."

"Oh God Ken." She rolled her eyes.

"I know you're rolling your eyes, pretty girl."

"Fuck off."

"Speaking of," his voice softened, "Dad's funeral.  Uh, I know it's like, a funeral and shit, but my Mom's going...and Rava and the kids..."

"Oh, um, okay."  Stella could definitely handle his mother, but it was the ex-wife and kids that really made her nervous.  Sure, his daughter was a fan and she'd seen her on FaceTime with Kendall, but that was about it.  They hadn't found a good time for Stella and his kids to meet because of Logan's death.  He didn't see them that much anyway.

"Soph's excited to meet you."

"Okay, good."  Stella felt a little bit better.  "How does um, Rava feel?"

"Honestly, I don't know.  Things have been pretty fucking tense."

"I'm sorry, Ken."

"Sophie got like, fucking, I don't know...pushed or something."

"Pushed?"

"Some Mencken guy on the street.  Rava told me."  

"What the fuck is wrong with people?"  

"I don't know."

"Ken...if you have any say in this tonight..."  she trailed off.  "Do the right fucking thing."

---------------------------------------------

He picked up on the first ring.  "Where the fuck have you been?"

"Tell me it's not true."  She breathed, looking at the tv in front of her.

"JERYD MENCKEN WINS ELECTION" blared on the screen, burning into her irises.

"What?"  He said, but they both knew what she was talking about.

Stella paused, tears pricking her eyes.  This could not be happening.  "Kendall."  She was almost pleading with him...hell, she was pleading with him.  "Please."

"He's gonna block the deal for us, I had to—"

"How could you call it?  How could you do this without the ballots in Milwaukee?  And the—"

"It wasn't my decision."

"What about your daughter, Kendall?"  She spat at him through the phone.

"What about my daughter, Stella?"  He fired right back at her.

"You told me she got fucking pushed, Ken!  Not everything is about the fucking deal!  Don't you care about her?"

"You don't know a fucking thing about my kids.  You're a kid.  Fucking suck it up."

"Mencken is a fascist and you know it.  He's a racist homophobe who's going to destroy the country and you let him walk all over you."

"Stella."  He warned.

"My brother and his husband were just starting to feel accepted in their new neighborhood."  She whispered.  "How could you do this?"

"Jimenez wouldn't help us.  We had to make a difficult choice."

Stella audibly gasped.  "A choice?  The fate of the country is a choice?"

"Stella—"

"No, no, I...I can't."  She cried.  "This is all a game to you.  The election, the tailgate party...it's all a fucking game."

"This, this, is fucking politics, Stella."  He scolded her.  "And it's not going to fucking effect you."

"Not going to effect me?  Are you hearing yourself?"  She knew it was in him to be this way, but Kendall had never showed this side of himself to her.  He was callous and cold and cared about himself more than others.  "I didn't grow up like you, Ken.  I have fucking car loans."

He laughed.  He actually laughed.  "I'll pay your fucking loans, Stella girl."

"You...you can't just 'Stella girl' me and expect everything to be okay."  She stuttered.  "You failed your kids tonight.  You failed the fucking United States of America."

"Fuck you."

"No.  Fuck you."  Tears ran down Stella's face.  Was this it?  Was their relationship--their love--going to end over politics?  It just seemed so tacky to her.  She sunk to the ground, sitting on the cold wooden floor.  They sat in silence, neither of them sure how to finish the conversation.  Stella heard Kendall sniffle from the other side of the phone.

"I'm sorry.  You're right.  But I had to do it.  Shiv's working with Matsson and I can't let them win.  I-I'm sorry."

She stifled a sob.  "I know."

"Are you still gonna come to the funeral?"

It pained her to know that Kendall thought she would flake on him.  

"Of course, Ken."

"Are we good then?  Like, are we uh, still good?"

"Um...I don't, I don't know."

"Okay."

"Yeah."

"Well...I'll uh, see you tomorrow, and uh, I...I fucking love you, okay?"

Stella breathed.  Tears were flying.  Never did she think this would be her life.

"I love you too."

------------------------------------------

The next morning, Stella's doorbell rung.  It was barely light out and the funeral wasn't until the afternoon.  

She opened the door to find a man carrying a dress bag.

"Miss Allen?"  

"Oh.  Great."  Stella mumbled sarcastically, taking the bag.  Of course Kendall sent her something to wear.  Even on the day of his father's funeral, he was still sending her signals, telling her that she was his.  

Putting on the dress and looking at herself in the mirror, Stella felt good.  Way too good for a funeral.  The dress was definitely too short and the black Gucci tights were definitely too sexy, but what was she going to do, not wear it? 

As she left the apartment building to get on the subway, a car was already waiting for her outside.  She recognized Fikret right away, rolling her eyes and getting into the black SUV.  

I told you to stop sending me things.

Sorry

It's getting bad out there tho.  Our car got attacked by mob earlier

Can't risk you getting hurt

Stella groaned.  Little did he know she was going to the protest after the funeral.

Twenty minutes later, the car stopped at a giant cathedral.  Paparazzi were swarming everywhere.  

"Fuck, fuck, fuck."  She muttered, stepping out of the car.  Twitter was going to explode about her outfit.  It truly was a 'Fuck Logan Roy' dress.

Cameras rushed her, but they couldn't get too close because of the heavy security detail.  Stella walked into the Cathedral behind some other, expensive-looking people.  The last funeral she had been to was her father's, where she gave the eulogy.  It was good, obviously, she was an actress, after all.  

Kendall rushed to Stella the second he saw her walk in.  She secretly wished he didn't look so good in his navy suit.  

"How was it out there?"  He leaned in to hug her.  It lasted a little too long.

"Oh, the protest?"

He nodded.  

"I think they left."  She shrugged, knowing he was going to be pissed that she was attending the protest after the funeral.

"Uh, good.  I was worried about you."

"You don't need to worry."  She put her hands on his arms, rubbing down slowly.  It really wasn't appropriate--she was supposed to be mad at him.  

He leaned into her touch.  "Thank you for coming, Stell."

"Of course."

Kendall checked her out as subtle as he could.  "I knew that dress would be perfect on you."

"Little inappropriate for a funeral, though, don't you think?"  She smirked.  Hopefully Logan was grimacing in his coffin at Kendall being with her.

"Exactly."  He said, staring her down.

"O-okay lover boy."  She pushed him away, but before she could get far, an old woman with a pixie cut appeared out of nowhere.  

"Now Kendall, who is this?"  She spoke with a distinguished British accent.  Stella's heart sank.  The woman standing in front of her was definitley Kendall's mother.

"Oh, uh, mom, this is Stella."

Caroline's face curved into a sideways smile as she looked Stella up and down.  "Oh my.  Aren't you something?"

Stella smiled nervously.  She knew Ken's mom was a fake bitch.  "Hi."

"By God, Kenny, you're turning into your father."  Caroline laughed.  "Dear," she looked to Stella, "How old are you?"

She started to speak before Kendall interrupted.  "Thanks, Mom, great job.  Awesome."

"Ah, Kendall I'm just joking.  She's beautiful."  Stella noticed that Caroline didn't even address her.  

"Uh, thanks."  He answered for her.  Stella mentally rolled her eyes.  Everyone treated her like a child at these kinds of things, even Kendall.

"Now I just hope you don't end up like your sister...the poor thing."

Caroline must've noticed the confused look on Stella's face.  Did Shiv finally tell everyone she was pregnant?

"Oh, dear, you don't have to worry about that."  She looked at Stella's stomach.  "Not with Kendall, anyway."

Stella's heart dropped.  "I'm sorry?"

"Mom."  Kendall said sternly.  He looked pissed.  "Stop."

Stella didn't know what to say.  She was prepared for a few weird comments from Caroline, but that...that was not something she was expecting.  She looked to Kendall, but for the first time in their relationship, he couldn't meet her gaze.  Embarrassment reddened across his cheeks.

Before anyone could say anything else, Shiv grabbed Kendall's shoulder.  "Hey, it's time."

He nodded, pushing past Caroline and Stella without saying goodbye.

"Well I guess I should find Kerry."  Caroline smiled, walking away like she hadn't just dropped a bomb on Stella's life.  

On her way to get her seat, Stella made unfortunate eye contact with Lukas, who winked.  Things could not get any worse.  As she sat down in a random pew, Stella's mind raced.  Kendall had always insisted on using condoms.  And he had kids, right?  Sure, Sophie was adopted, but Iverson looked just like his parents.  Stella realized she hadn't even seen the kids at the funeral.  What was going on?

[elsfairy]

➝ 𝐖𝐄𝐀𝐊𝐍𝐄𝐒𝐒. (I'm just fucking emo, here)

You always felt like you didn't fit in anywhere. Even from the ages of 10+ you never felt like no one wanted you around. It was sad, actually. Being told by all the children you wished would let you join in with their games, that you were just boring and you were just weird.

The amount of times you've tried to remove those memories from your brain was easier said than done. You weren't a kid anymore, you were living your life. A life you sometimes wished would be easier. A life you wished sometimes just.. stopped. That was your feelings a few years go. Sometimes those thoughts crept up into your mind, even if you tried to not let them.

Then there is Sevika. Someone you trusted more than yourself. You never trusted yourself. Fuck, you didn't even trust your own family but you trusted her. You trusted her with everything you have.

❝You've been quiet for the past few days, is something bothering you?❞

It was a question you've always been asked, yet ignored because you trusted them more than your own answer. Always being told no one cared enough to listen to you. She knew you didn't go well with talking about your feelings, but she asked you everyday to make sure you were truly okay.

❝Is it the same thing as the other night?❞

Your girlfriend didn't have to try hard to find out what what was bothering you. She could always tell by the way you looked at her, either on the verge of tears, or anger. You were sad because no one has loved you like she does. No one has given you a chance like she has. You were angry because of how upset and broken you felt. Of being treated like something someone throws away after using it once.

❝I don't feel good enough Vika❞

No matter how upset you became, she was instantly right there with you. Holding you, stroking your hair and reassuring you that you were more than enough. That you are worth fighting for. She hated how broken they made you feel, how fragile you've become because of being pushed away. How used you feel.

❝I know that you don't believe me but, I mean it when I tell you that you are perfect the way you are. Any bad day you have, I'm going to be right here, telling you that you're doing perfectly fine. I will be here to let you know that im proud of you and I love you❞

You never had a chance to interject with your own arguments because she didn't let you. Sevika didn't like the way you spoke about yourself. She refused to listen to you put yourself down. She didn't see you that way. She's always seen you as strong, caring, gentle, kind, amazing. Even if you did deal with your own problems, to her you were strong because you are still here. You are still here, with her.

❝Vika⎯❞

❝Don't do that. Do not say that you're not good enough. You've always been good enough. You're always going to be enough. You're worth it. You are allowed to love, you are allowed to be loved. Do you know why? because i love you. I love you so much and it breaks my heart when you think these things. You are my weakness, but you're also my happiness and i need you here. I will go through every single bad day with you if it means i still wake up with you in my arms. I need you here, do you get it? i cannot be without you, but i hate how broken they've made you feel.❞

Sevika wasn't a crier, but when it came to you she's crying with you and for you. She wasn't ever worried about how tight you were holding onto her, it was more that she was scared you were going to pass out from how much you cry. Years of struggles and worries bottled up until you can't handle it. That's what scared her the most when you cried.

❝I'll never hurt you, Sweetheart. I will murder anyone who tries to hurt you. I will do anything and everything to make you feel safe. I will always protect you, even on your good days. As long at it means you are still here when i wake up, because i love you❞

❝i love you❞

idk, i listened to some sad song and came up with this.

[nytehavyn-circle]

I'm gloing to tell you, right here, what I've told a couple of my friends today.

I'm going to cut and paste exactly what I told them today.

Maybe you'll understand a few things. Maybe you won't. Maybe you'll unfollow and/or block me, maybe you won't.

I've been sort of out of it the last few dy because I've been dealing with PTSD-related issues in my head, and in my nightmares as of late. It's why I've been clingy and needy latey.

Triggering subject matter under the cut.

Okay, I'm going to tell you why I have PTSD and nightmares and other shit. Maybe it might help you understand a bit why i am the way I am.

My first wife beat the fuck out of me on a daily basis, and my second wife (the marriage lasted a whole three months) was nasty as fuck - always trying to fight, always trying to gaslight me, etc,.

Every relationship I've ever had, all but two, has been abusive in some way - mentally, emotionally, and physically. I fell into that fucking trap a lot of domestic violence victims fall into - I kept getting involved with abusive people.

Now, the two that were actually good relationships but didn't last - one fo them, whom I loved dearly, could not handle being treated well in a relationship. My kindness toward her just confused the hell out of her, because all she knew was abuse. So, amicably, we parted ways. I would take her back in a heartbeat if she ever came back into my life. The second good relationship… we actually broke up and got back together twice. Until we finally realized we just made better friends than lovers. lol

Now, onto the worst of it: I've been raped twice. I won't go into detail, but suffice it to say that I didn't report either of the happenings because I'm a male, and even to this day most people don't believe a man can be raped.

So, all of that shit together is why I cling and hang onto nice and kind people when I find them, like you. Why I'm so touch starved, and, unfortunately, why I get hypersexual sometimes (even though the brain meds I'm on kill my sex drive a lot of the time and make it so I am usually half-impotent).

Now you know.

It's why I will bug the people I care about incessantly, whether or not they answer back. Because I need that connection. So, once again, I am sorry if anything I do makes you uncomfortable, if I love bomb you to the point you want noting to do to me, etc.

Also, this may be a part of it, it may not be, but it doesn't mean it's not real when it happens - when I fall in love with someone, I fall hard.

So being a bisexual polyamorous guy sucks sometimes. lol

But, there you go.

Maybe you care, maybe you don't. But at least maybe now, you'll understaand.

[shxtodxroki]

hello, i just wanted to check up on you since you haven’t posted in so long. I hope you’re okay and that you’re “just” stressed or not in the mood for writing. Please don’t feel pressured or anything by this, simply worrying a little.

Anyway have a nice day!

Aaa oh my goodness, I wish I had seen this sooner because this is such a sweet message, I'm so sorry I took so long to respond. Honestly I didn't think many people would notice my absence much so I didn't expect to see an ask like this at all, and it means a lot to know that someone wanted to check in. I hope you know that I was not intentionally ignoring you anon, this message means so much to me and if I had seen it sooner I would have responded as soon as I could. This past summer has just been a whirlwind (some good, some bad) and I've found myself in a cycle of burn-out that I'm really trying to break out of.

To answer your question, life has been hectic, but I am doing alright :> There have been some rough times but also some fun times over the past few months, and right now I'd honestly say I'm doing pretty okay :> (More under the cut in case anyone is interested but please don't feel obligated at all! It's more of just a mini-rant for my personal sake lol) But I am doing well, thank you so so much for taking the time to check in. This was incredibly kind and honestly it means a lot just to know that someone noticed I wasn't posting and decided to reach out :] Thanks for making my day, anon, you're an incredibly kind soul. <3

Most of the business has been because my mom has been through a hospital/rehabilitation process this whole summer, and since something very similar happened to my dad 2 years ago and I'm an adult now, a lot has fallen on me (not medical-decision wise but a lot of other things) in terms of teaching my other family members how to handle brain injuries and what's best for her since my sister and I have the past experience that no one else does AND the knowledge of her past health stuff. She's okay thankfully and improving steadily, it's just been hectic and the feeling of deja vu from going through this before has also been hitting me hard. I also have an old dog who's given us a few scares recently and is probably close to the end, and since I've never lost a pet before that's been hitting me kind of hard as well.

On top of some of the heavier stuff my school has just been a pain with getting me registered for classes, removing classes I had signed up for and not giving me times for others, and it's been a whole mess that I've been focused on sorting out. But I've had good times too, I've been able to see friends this summer and giving myself some "me time" between everything where I have a bit of a break. So I'm doing alright, and things are hopefully going to even out a bit soon, and I appreciate the consideration and care :>

[nym-wibbly]

AI, Oh My

I've been using the generative-AI-free Ellipsus for failing at writing for the past few days. Using it to keeping track of notes about the long fanfics I've been sampling to help me write feedback, too. So far I love it to pieces. I love the clean interface. I love that it's in my browser like Google Docs but isn't Google Docs. It's really nice to create text away from that constant push to incorporate generative-AI into the process somehow. Or to click the annoying, distracting thing that sits in the corner of my vision that wants me to pay for an upgrade to some AI feature I didn't want in the first place, and wouldn't save me time or effort if I did. (Grammarly. Just fucking stop and tell me when I use a comma wrong or double a word, okay?)

I did play with AI writing tools while I was ill last year, mainly to pass the time and get up to date with what all the fuss and controversy was about. I squirted a simple 2000-word fanfic I wrote in the 1990s into each one and played to see what the various tools could do with it. Then I tried to get them to generate a similar piece from scratch using prompts. The whole unethical, 'this model was trained on everything we ever put on AO3, wasn't it?' aspect quickly became glaringly apparent once I introduced the subject of fanfiction - or even just asked a factual question about a character from a TV show. (ChatGPT totally 'ships the Thirteenth Doctor with Yaz, a 'ship which must've been at its peak AO3 output when all that data was hoovered up.)

Sudowrite came the closest to being able to do what I need from an automated writing assistant, which is to help me keep track of a long piece by creating and updating a beat sheet and character profiles as I go, or to generate an accurate set of chapter summaries from a giant dollop of existing text. None of these tools can handle a million word epic without going into a death-spiral of confusion and spouting nonsense. None of them can, yet, follow a lengthy or detailed plot well enough to help me re-remember things when I need to. ChatGPT could manage quite large chunks of text for a while in early 2023, then it went downhill fast, started limiting input hard, and started making shit up instead of summarising what text I fed it. I swear to god that thing got incrementally less useful as it got upgraded and as features were added. Nothing else I've tried even felt remotely useful to a writer of fiction, but getting to know the various options did train me to spot and avoid AI-generated articles at two hundred paces, even just from the title or headline much of the time, which has to be a good thing.

I don't want writing done for me, not ever, but if tech can someday help with the remembering-plot-things and keeping-character-things-organised, that would be spiffing. If I could someday rely on it to go, "Whoa, girl, you just contradicted line 23 of chapter 19 with [insert offending text and line number here], at a level of detail that it'd be unreaonable to expect a beta reader to spot in a spread-out WIP, I'd actually pay a lot of money. I want help managing what I write and coping with my cognitive disabilities so I can keep writing stories that are too big for my brain to hold in one dollop. We ain't there yet, but maybe, one day? If we can ever get past the ethics of training the models on other people's data in the first place, and the environmental impact of using these tools at all?

Sudowrite is nowhere near being able to do this for a long story, yet. And the free version is plenty if I just want a quck summary of the story's vibe, tropes, or themes for reference. That I do find useful for clarity, because condensing ideas and summarising fiction is not something I'm good at doing myself. I think Sudowrite might, eventually, be able to help me understand how I write.

So far, so underwhelmed.

[fortunesrevolver]

So... life sucks right now.

Not only is my disability application still pending (November will be month 10 since I applied. Isn't waiting for the government to process things FUN?) But life is just... hard. And complicated.

My dad is currently going through ECT treatment because he's very resistant to medication for his depression. If you don't know what that is... honestly, I just snatched this summary from Google because I don't have the mental spoons to break it down right now:

Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT for short) is a treatment that involves sending an electric current through your brain. This causes a brief surge of electrical activity within your brain (also known as a seizure). The aim is to relieve severe symptoms of some mental health problems.

It's honestly not an uncommon treatment, and apparently a very successful and common one for patients who, like my dad, are resistant to medication.

The issue is, one of the side effects for this are memory loss. So right now, dad can't work. And his memory is just... awful right now. He's forgetting a lot of things from the past few months (let alone past few days or weeks) and it's just... a mess. Mom and I are doing the best we can to keep it together and keep things going... Taking him to his appointments (that are god-awful early in the morning) making sure someone is always home with him...

But it's hard. It's hard when he took on so many responsibilities like submitting payments for bills and such on his own and always assured us he had it when we offered to help.

To be clear, my dad is not at all a bad or controlling person. He just took pride in being able to take care of his family. It was one of the things he felt like he could control against his depression. Taking care of us was sort of his... anti-depression isn't the right word. But it's what kept him going. That's how he'd always explain it. We'd always just do whatever we could to support him and try to everything else easier for him. (Though in retrospect, I guess that's just how families are supposed to work. Taking care of each other as best you can.)

But right now it's so hard... He's not himself at all... and all of these symptoms can take up to 6 months to fully heal, and that's after treatment finishes (which has about... 2 weeks left, I think? It depends, really. There's a range and everyone is different.)

He's my dad and I love him a lot... but it's hard. It's hard to see him get confused or forget very basic things like the voice command for the lights he was so pleased with when he set up. Or watching a TV show one day and then immediately watching it again the day after because he doesn't remember watching it. Or that a bill set up for automatic payments will got through and he'll see it show up on the bank accounts he unconsciously remembers to check, but doesn't know what it's for, and then we scramble to not only make sure something wild didn't happen, but assure him everything is okay.

And, reading back over this post, it seems like such a small problem from an outside perspective. I'm barely touching the tip of the iceberg, but I know there's people out here that are dealing with similar circumstances ten-fold and probably handling it with way more grace than I am.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I try to help as best I can, but my dad has always been a bit of a stubborn man. Not cruelly stubborn, but stubborn about being the strong, independent one. And he can't do that right now... but he's still trying to.

I can only try to pick up whatever pieces I can with my mom and make things work as best we can.

But it's still a mess and complicated and I feel like I'm just a horrible daughter for venting like this.

[angelican-sadness]

Updates 6/6/23

Hey tumblr. It’s been a while. So much has happened in my life. I left a relationship I didn’t want to be a part of for months. Neither one of us were happy for a while. It was for the best. I met someone new who treats me like the queen I am. I severed the relationship between my mom and I. I started therapy. I signed a lease with a friend to move out of a house that I share with my ex and our friends. I’m unhappy living there and leaving would help keep my friendships the way they are and make me and everyone else more comfortable in their living situation. I just want a clean house and the bills paid on time. I don’t ask for much and my friend saying I’m a dictator kind of hurt so it’s just best if i go so nothing hurtful gets said again. Living together can be hard. Paying bills on time and cleaning up after yourself is just part of being an adult and shouldn’t be so hard. I can’t wait to move in with my new roommate because we are on the same page about that. I value my friendships with my current roommates so much that I don’t want living together to tear us apart. I love them all dearly.

Life is so good, but also so bad and I just need to write it down to get it off my chest. I am a lot happier than I used to be, but still the same sad girl deep inside. I wish my mom and I could have a healthy relationship because I miss my brother. She won’t let him contact me or my sister and is claiming it’s because of DHS, but she’s just trying to brainwash him into thinking she’s the best person ever and his enemies are us. She’s absolutely insane. All I’m doing is trying to live a peaceful life and all she does is bring me down. I accepted who I am and I love who I am. I spent most of my life wishing I could be someone else, not realizing it’s because of the constant comparisons to other people. She’d say “I’m proud of you” on social media, but behind the scenes, she would always say “I wish you were more like ___” I can’t handle the fake imagery to show other people we don’t even know how “good” it is when it’s never good. I wish her well and I hope she gets the help that she needs, but now it’s time for me to grieve this loss and accept that the relationship between us will never again be the same. We bonded over substance abuse. Now that I’ve gotten away from that, I’ve woken up and can think clearly for myself. I can finally see things for what they are, not for the fake altered reality of that “picture perfect” family that facebook sees. 

I’m tired of people being so hard on me. I realize that I’m very hard on myself and it’s probably because others are very hard on me sometimes. Lately, I’ve altered plans or had a drink here and there and as much as I love my sister, I feel like she’s very hard on me about those things. My mom always said “I take care of everything, so a drink here and there is okay.” She drinks way more than me and hardly works so her statement isn’t true to herself, but it’s true for me. I hate using that statement because it reminds me of her, but I do take care of everything I need to, work very hard, and never lose focus. I spend at least 85% of my weeks sober these days. I had a couple drinks at a show recently and went to pee a few times. My sister said “damn again? Maybe you should stop drinking.” I’m very responsible and just don’t want to be judged anymore. I’ve come a long way from all of the substance abuse I did to numb my brain in the past that I feel like a drink or two here and there is harmless. I do what I can to not lose control. I just enjoy letting loose sometimes and I just want to enjoy my life. I changed the camping plans and she’s upset with me for coming a couple hours later to accommodate my boyfriend coming with me. I get that this is a new relationship, but I’ve never had someone treat me this way. He so gentle and kind towards me. Everything about this feels so right. I just want him to be there camping with us, so I’m coming just a little later. Nothing too crazy and she’s sad because he can’t drive separately since his car is messed up right now. Idk if the roles were flipped, I’d be like “okay cool. I’m excited to go regardless.” I just don’t get why everyone is so hard on me all the time..

With this new relationship, this is the most comfortable I’ve ever felt before. I’ve never once been nervous on a first date, but with this one, I was so nervous. I was shaking and drank too much that night from the nerves. I ended up spending the night after and he respected me not wanting to have sex. I went so long feeling obligated or doing what I could to just avoid sex entirely that I was scared to say no, but he made it very easy. There has been absolutely no pressure at all to be different or be forced into something I don’t want to do and it’s a wonderful change of pace. I’ve noticed a few things that are different about myself since meeting Josh too. I’m more comfortable with discussing feelings, admitting that I cry, and just having feelings in general. I’ve repressed my feelings for most of my life so learning how to feel things and show it is very hard for me, but I’m so comfortable that it’s helping me learn how. I had a panic attack at his house and he was so nice to me the whole time. I struggle with being taken care of or relying on someone else, but he makes it so easy. I trust him and I like that he enjoys being there for me. I can truly see myself falling hopelessly in love with this guy and I couldn’t be happier. He came into my life at a time where all I wanted was to spend time alone especially because I just got out of a relationship. I wasn’t looking for anything, but I got blindsided by the purest form of love I’ve ever felt and I couldn’t be more thankful.

[noortjelanterfanter]

Hormones

I actually opened tumblr on my laptop to properly type up a blogentry. Because I kind of have a lot going on.. And it might not really seem that way because my regular updates have been very minimal. It's summerbreak, which means no work. Which is good, because I've been exhausted. However, it also means no therapy. The last time I saw my therapist is when Mr Books and I just started dating. By the time I'll see my therapist again it'll have been 2 months, give or take. Everything has been overwhelming lately, I just haven't stopped to actually process it. I found out 2 weeks ago that I'm going to be around 5000 euros in debt. Not out of making bad decisions mind you. It's from government assistance I turns out didn't qualify for after all. And then wellfare, because I got more money than I was supposed to get. And the last one I was aware of, so that isn't an issue. However the other 3500 is quite a big chunk and I barely work so I have no idea how to afford any of that.

Besides that I obviously have my attachment style to deal with. And all the past trauma that Mr Books is triggering and somehow he hasn't left yet. He's sat through several meltdowns and he hasn't left yet. My brain has a really hard time accepting that he says he's not going to leave over that. Because I'm convinced that eventually he will. I explained a few days ago why I'm so convinced of that, and it's because my first boyfriend of 4 years said that to me, 2 days before he broke up and apparently already had another girlfriend, which I'm not allowed to mention btw. But anyway, that's why I am utterly convinced he's going to leave over me having meltdowns. Which I will always have to deal with to some degree. Although I have hopes they will become less severe or at the very least less frequent.

So we went to Amsterdam last Sunday. Which was fun, I loved it. I haven't been able to be myself so freely in such a long time, especially with a partner. But it was a long day, with a ton of people and not a lot of time to properly relax, so by the end of it I was pretty overwhelmed. He handled me being the way I am on the way home like a champ. He dealt with the hangry side of me that wants to get from point A to point B as efficiently as possible, which isn't a particularly patient or nice side. But eventually, after eating and sitting for a while I felt better. He then dealt with the major fucking meltdown I had when I got home. I was hyperventilating and not terribly able to speak. He just sat with me, comforted me, checked if there was anything he could do. Asked if I wanted to be alone or not. And I know that technically these are very basic and bare minimum things, but I haven't encountered many people who dealt with me being in an absolute state so well. With this much patience and compassion. All he really said was that he had a really fun day and that he felt bad for me that the day had to end on that note for me, but that he understood that it all was very triggering and tiring. And I appreciate the way he handles the situation, but I'm so scared that, although he's handling it vary gracefully now, he will in fact get sick of it and leave me for these episodes...

But yeah. On top of all that I'm in the week before my period, which means my pmdd is acting up and as I had predicted due to me bettering my diet it is an absolute menace. So for the past 2 days I have felt like absolute death. I cry over something silly or not so silly roughly every hour. I swear, it makes me so mad that the main reason we don't have a solution at all to pmdd is because men don't have it. I'm just angry and sad in general. Mr Books is coming back tomorrownight, so that'll help me deal with the sense of impending doom... Still I'm okay, I will be okay, but I'm not having a good time with life today.

[myyellow-brickroad]

Mental Health in Education

An overlooked area in education is students mental health and its roll on their education.

The last two semesters (Spring and Fall 2023) I struggled a lot with my mental health, this past fall being one of the lowest points. I struggled to leave my room yet alone get to classes. And it wasn't because I didn't care, I felt terrible, but I just couldn't do anything. It took a lot of discussions with my therapist and one friend specifically who really knew how I was feeling to convince me that I needed to step away.

I was diagnosed with depression and ADHD and so much started to add up. I knew I had depression, but I didn't know about ADHD and learning about it and what the things I struggle with were actually symptoms of it it was validating. For once I was able to separate my intelligence and my executive function (or lack there of). It was not that I wasn't smart or dedicated or didn't care, but I literally have something in my brain that make the basic functions terribly difficult.

I have started medication for them and it has been going well. The first depression medication THIS time worked. In the past I was put on medications and each one made me significantly worse so I was terrified to try again, I was already in the lowest point, I couldn't handle something making my depression worse than where it was at the moment. ADHD took a few tries. First one I couldn't remember to take it twice a day, the second long release but not strong enough. This dose seems to be better. What has been craziest about the adhd meds is that I didn't know your brain was supposed to be this quiet? I always had a constant sound in my head, or thoughts, the sound never stopped. Not in another mental illness way, just.. sound? I have no words to describe it besides that. And as a result, it has been easier to get work done without all the brain clutter. WILD.

I do plan to return to school. I have professors from my last semester that are allowing me to finish their courses so I can fix my grades and GPA which is extremely nice of them. I can't wait to return hopefully with a better head on my shoulders and a plan on how to deal with my brain and its triggers.

All this to say, it is ok to be struggling with mental health. If you are struggling in school because of it and you feel ashamed, that is okay and normal, but don't hold too much against yourself. It is normal to be disappointed when you aren't where you used to be, but life isn't linear. If you can, talk to someone, reach out. Send emails to your professors, many are willing to work with you is you are willing to communicate. People paint education in a positive light and its not always that. It isn't nice study sessions, knowing content right away, being able to turn things in early or on time, being able to workout and eat healthy and passing all the time. Shit is fucking hard. I will be okay and you will be too. Don't give up on your dreams.

[manicpixieirl]

august 15, 2023

Today was a hard day. It didn’t start out that way, but it ended up veering off course, deviating from the plan.

Now that I’m at the day’s tail end, I can see that it was just a hard day, not very, very hard. I think I made it a little harder than it needed to be.

I had a plan, I had a plan, I had a plan. Life had another plan.

This morning, I ran over a rock, popped my back-right tire on my way out of town, and have essentially been crying since 9:30 in the morning. As I type this, it’s 8pm and I’ve finally settled down.

The aforementioned tire is not a metaphorical tire on the car of life- I deadass popped a tire on my ‘09 accord and it sent me into a spiral that has had me looking for reasons to cry all day long.

All day my brain has felt like a toilet bowl and my thoughts kept circling the drain of this shit morning -

Why me?

Why now?

Of course this would happen.

How could I have avoided that?

While I was busy beating myself up, my mom was in the other room, trying to help me come up with solutions when she could have been enjoying her vacation.

My mom, dad, and youngest brother came to visit for the week and I should have been happy to get a few more hours in with them while we waited on AAA. Instead, I was in the kitchen, beating myself up and feeling useless.

I kept telling her I was sorry for crying and freaking out, that I didn’t know what was wrong or why I was so upset. I had handled so many car breakdowns on my own before this.

How am I 27 and crying to mommy over a flat tire? Why am I upset about needing to spend money I know I have? Why am I giving a rock - a fucking rock (a thing that neither lives nor breathes) - this type of control over my day?

That’s because it wasn’t about the tire. It wasn’t about the rock.

I had felt a depressive low creeping in the night before; I went to bed at 8:30, that’s how I can normally predict the downshift in my mood from balanced to depressed.

I was so tired, then I woke up tired, and then I hit a rock.

I could feel this small deviation from my expectations of the day making me sink even lower, further within myself and away from the person who was trying to help me. I’m sorry, mom.

I kept telling myself I was

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

I’m so stupid.

When I should have been saying

Sad.

Sad.

Sad.

I’m so sad.

It’s hard to write right now, I want to be in bed, I want to be asleep, but I also owe it to myself to write about my day rather than forget it. I owe it to the people who are reading this blog. This is what a low day looks like; confusing stupid for sad.

How can I learn from it? I don’t know if I can. I think there will always be days where I feel stupid when I am really just sad. That’s a part of being me, being able to look back at my day and say “Man, I think that blown-out tire was harder to handle today because I am feeling low.”

Tomorrow is a new day, and I might pop another tire, and it might make me sad, but it’s okay to be sad.

I can’t just say, “that was hard, I was low,” and move on.

Instead I’ll say,

“That was hard,

I was low,

I forgive myself for being sad, sad, so sad,

and thank you mom for finding solutions when I couldn’t see past my tears.”

[dzpenumbra]

12/3/22

I don't want to write this. I'm just... I'm really overwhelmed right now. Every creak and bump in the apartment building I jump and my heart races. I don't feel safe. I don't know how else to put it. This is, from my understanding, a PTSD response. Like in a movie where a military vet jumps and freaks out when they hear fireworks or something. This is because I was abused a few hours ago. I don't want to talk about it, but I understand why it's happening now, which is... well it doesn't fix it, but it helps me at least understand that this isn't something wrong with me. This isn't a malfunction in my brain, this isn't chemical misfires, this isn't me being broken and needing to fix something. This is me actually not being safe, having been in an unsafe environment and suffered harm, and my body really not knowing where the next strike is going to come from in my weakened state.

It's because it's psychological and emotional pain. The best I can figure. Physical pain is much easier to identify these responses to, I speak from experience. If you've been following this for a while, you probably know my shin story. If not, let me really nutshell the fuck out of it. TLDR: Blood clot in my shin, ER tried to amputate, I got a second opinion and saved the leg. That has a lot of layers to it, you know... but the physical side. I get really cautious about shin injuries now, I'm very hyper-aware of those. I fuuuuckin woooonder whyyyy. Makes sense, right? Because I know how bad those can get, how dangerous they can be, and it was some of the worst pain I've been in in my life. Hands down. Hard to forget that, the body and mind do not want to go through that again.

Now, imagine that shin pain was... emotional pain. Or a reaction to loud noises. Where it like... makes you re-live those traumatic moments, even hypothetically, even... reflexively? Subconsciously? I'm struggling to find good words, like... without your conscious awareness. Like... last night I heard the same bumps and creaks coming from the floor above and I had zero reflexive jumps. I just noticed the sound, went "oh, its the upstairs neighbors" and went back to sleep. But now, since I'm freshly wounded, one pop of a wooden beam and it's like those old doctor's rubber mallets to the nerve in your knee and my whole fucking body jumps and a tiny gnome in my chest cavity throws the "Adrenaline Emergency Release" valve. That's where I've been the past...3 hours? After the crying, frustration and outrage ran its course.

I hate this. And honestly, all I want is someone to just curl up on a mattress with me and hold me and watch some videos or something and just go, "it's okay, it's over now, you're safe." That's all, that is literally heaven to me. But, to be completely blunt, at times like this... I feel like bringing my life into the life of another - aka dating - is like... dropping a giant flaming bag of shit onto their doorstep. It's the answer to pretty much every problem I have, but my... mercy? I don't know, something like that holds me back.

Before I rabbithole on that, I just want to - for the sake of my own therapeutic work that I'm doing right now - label that for what it is. That is me being insecure. I'm gonna go over to my Needs meters again, fuck it. Thank you, video games, for putting psychology into an easily understandable interactive visual medium.

Food - Ate as much buffalo mac and cheese as my tight as a knot stomach could handle (8/10) Water - Watered down all-natural lemonade with stevia, lips finally not chapped after like a full week, pissing clear (9/10) Sleep - Slept beautifully last night, but it is past 1AM so... (3/10, but any other day this week it would've been a 1/10 at this time of night) So, what does that leave? Yep. Confidence. My confidence is shattered. I feel... worthless. Nope, worse. I feel like I'm on fire. I feel like I'm a problem. I feel radioactive. I feel like if I were to make eye-contact with someone in the hallway on my way out to the parking lot, it would make their day worse. And since I can't really identify why that would happen, it's pretty clear this is because of earlier. And, as you could imagine, this creates a pretty vicious cycle... because I don't know anyone up here and having my confidence replenished by others is like... the absolute best remedy for times like this. So, if I'm convinced that I'm just going to make peoples' lives worse, I avoid even commonplace interactions. I never get replenished. Deeper down the spiral I go. I just got out of several years of this cycle, with multiple self-absorbed people. It almost destroyed me. Now I am here, and I'm kinda quaking in my boots. I'm scared I'll meet another one of them. I'm scared that in my desperate loneliness and need for social affection, I'll naively overlook warning signs and become a thrall again. Dark shit, huh?

So, yeah. Not a great night. XD I did go to the grocery store. It was weird and overwhelming. Maybe I should wear a mask just for my own sense of well-being, I have no idea what I should be doing, I haven't been in a city in like over a decade. I considered getting an orchid, I heard they're actually easier to grow than people make them seem and they're absolutely gorgeous, but I decided I wanted to put off my plant purchases until I could go to like an actual nursery place and talk to someone about what I'm looking to do as a beginner. And so they can give me a rundown on what the specific plants' needs are. But I did get a lot of what I was looking for, namely an LED nightlight for my bathroom which is very helpful because the only light in there is synced with a really loud fan.

And I worked on my hoodie a bit and got really good work done. In fact, fucking I don't care about getting to bed at a reasonable hour, I'm so tired of stressing about this shit. I want to get the rest of my work done on this hoodie, I've wanted to work on it for like 5 days now and I only got to work on it for like an hour and a half today. Like... I was in a stupid fight about a fucking car for longer than I got to do work today. Fucking come on. So yeah, I'm gonna put on some chill music and knock out the rest of that, then go get ready for bed.