#okay like i am disabled!!!! i get it!!
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20/10 stars little guy
#me (scrounging undetected autist whose ideal fashion sense is ''if i have to be seen at all: shrouded'') seeing encanto the other month.....#and on top of it all i LOVE slice of life. encanto being so focused on What It's About that there's so much of that + character / dynamic#also part of what i loved abt pixar luca. ppl like ''simple story but not a problem :)'' like YEAH thank god it's Also so slice of lifey#2021 what a year lol. though again i only Just saw encanto....tfw Studio Creative Control backs off a bit more than usual: Joy & Wonders#anyway i knew going in bruno wasn't an antagonist (fine if he was though b/c slay & b/c scapegoats can do whatever they want)#knew i'd love him b/c again Scapegoat shows up & i'm the Amazing Showstopping Totally Unique Never The Same gif on loop#but what a delight even beyond those expectations lol. love again how Focused the movie is on What It's About & Thee Points it makes#the Characters / Dynamics & the Metaphor & the plot stays right with all of that. the focus & importance re: thee scapegoats....#& bruno being disabled like whole layer of Yay Yay Yay spamming. that even when He's Back we're reminded he's not ''normal now'' or w/e#(i.e. presenting that as The Good Ending for the disabled outcast. vs just being embraced as part of the group again & accepted As He Is)#meanwhile was like hmm chat is there queercoding do we think? like is he queer: Yes. but is there coding? hmm#sure isn't cishet coded though. but i was also having the thought like fellas is it gay to [higher tenor tessitura or w/e] lol#made me go ''do i know this voice? ok do i know this name / face / actor? (i have never seen anything ever / bad w/names/faces/voices)''#indeed was like yeah haven't seen this; heard of this; seen it once ages ago no way i remember more than like 0.6 details#then from ''ohh haha I'm A Mammal That Cares....yeah i hear that'' to ''omg CHI-CHI RODRIGUEZ???? ;;0;;'' waaah fantastic revelation lmao#also the way Literal Future Seer ability was externalized to make it more wrangleable for plot is so impressive & fun & excellent#got a lot of [i like this thing i saw a lot] i got to say....guess i can do that w/the sideblog i made for one drawing i made last night#encanto 2021#bruno madrigal#also the way bruno is so Nervous + Hiding / Bold + Big Personality like yes ha ha ha Yes....tamped down as ''too much'' experience#also the [stuttering stumbling muttering mumbling] line: i fr nigh wept upon going back over a moment like what am i hearing here?#& realizing the answer was: it's bruno quietly stuttering a moment during this one line (& then (& then (& then)) i saw you) ;;;mm;;;#hang onnn....the first scapegoat who's driven off being Disabled is so real so ;m; that again they're like so he got Weirder; Okay ;;m;;#that we get jorge thumbs up nobody having an Aside to be like [ugh; this guy] or Anything. augh always have too much to say for 30 tags#fabric drape there sure not accurate but i was like okay if i try to really reference that i'm not getting this done tonight
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also while im having my afternoon bitching moment i think a lot of analog & common horror games relies on being ableist and having the 'scary disfigured person' trope that harms actual people, even if it isn't the creators intent. if youre old enough to publish actual games youre old enough to get some perspective on how you may be hurting others—especially when it comes to horror and using disabled bodies as a visual meant to horrify people.
#i went to bed at 5 am with a spiraling mood and woke up at 9 angry and now it's noon and im just solidly annoyed and carrying a bad migraine#but im so tired of people just getting a 'well they didnt know better!!!' like okay but what are they doing to actually educate themselves#to not harm a community. to not be ableist. what are they doing to learn and actually grow.#why are people so quick to defend ableism and make us the mean disabled people. why is that your first instinct.
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Ok so um. Eventful first day. I have a blended schedule so i have short school days
Everyone is chill in algebra 1 nd academic literature ,,
History and english arw gonna be a bit of a problem cuz the 16-18 yr old boys are. Yknow. Probably gonna annoy me to death
And uhh homeroom is just homeroom
I masked really hard though nd came home sobbing just cuz im not gonna be used to masking again in a school setting,,
#sydneys thoughts#Look i know i got over my bullies from the past few years and all#But it might be a bit difficult if the problem persists again#I already have a fragile self esteem i am not ready to experience cyberbullying making fun of my looks and behavior#Hhhhh#If i dont like it ill just consider dropping out cuz i can't go back online nd that's my only better option yet its taken away from me now#Sorry a bit of a rant um Im Fine i suppose i just feel really emotional over having to explain my disability over and over and over.and +#+ stillbeing treated like im stupid#Like okay i get it you think im stupid what else do you expect#Sorry#Might not be myself much recent now im just extremely emotional over masking and being picked on again
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Hi everyone! 💕
I made a Patreon if anyone's interested in supporting me a bit more:
Patreon.com/Darlingsart
My patreon will run more or less like this blog, but with a few extra goodies! Over there, I'll be posting a few more sketches/doodle pages, WIPS, voting polls on what I should draw next, and some speed draws!
I'll still be posting all of my art on here like I always do! Patreon will just be like a little tipping jar so if you enjoy my art and my fics (and if you're able to!), feel free to subscribe to help me out. If not, I still appreciate all of the love! 🥰
#angie.txt#not to get too personal BUT I am unemployed and having a hard time finding work bc of my disabilities#I thought this would be a nice way for anyone to help support me while I write and draw bc those are really the only things I can do atm#so yeah if you enjoy this blog and my ask blog please consider! again I completely understand if you cant#im just glad to have all the love yall already give my work!#and this is really new for me so I'm still figuring this all out#more incentives might be available in the future and higher tiers if this goes okay#EDIT: I did just change some stuff around on there bc I actually don't like the way i initially set it up
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does anyone else find it fucked up that moon's friends protect themselves from her with the skyfire at the end of moon rising?
#wings of fire#moonwatcher#look okay i've been slowly rereading the series on and off again bc one of my friends is getting into the series#so correct me where i'm wrong in asking why kinkajou feels entitled for moon to disclaim she's a telepath and seer upon first meeting her#when the news that nightwings don't have powers anymore and that they manipulated the entire sandwing succession war conflict#for their own gain went PUBLIC so nightwings are a hated tribe#nevermind the fact that moon feels like an outcast among her tribe because she hatched off of the volcano and never had to suffer#though it's sweet that her mother cares for her and worries about her she still calls moon her 'weird little diamond'#and impresses upon her 'secret hidden safe' which is basically wof's conceal don't feel#when was moon supposed to feel safe enough in disclosing her power she's hated FOR having and hated for NOT having#do you (general) think she's in ANY position to advertise she's the tribe's ONLY true seer and telepath in generations safely?#'i get what kinkajou means but it feels almost like having to disclaim your trans or disabled. Is a bit fucked' is what my friend said#it's the same fucking thing as 'i'm losing the person i once knew' but perhaps not in those words and not nearly as harshly#i know kinkajou comes around to moon eventually and they remain friends. but there's something REALLY fucked about it imo#same friend pointed out there's a queerness to this which i will 100% agree on like it stings on a personal level#like. look i still like the series but man reading it critically and interacting with it in a more adult lens#is definitely an action i am doing right now.#i think i'm still correct in saying darkstalker was a child. evil is not created in a vacuum. hatred is taught not inherent.#it does not excuse him from the evil he did commit. but he was a child. he was a FUCKING ABUSED CHILD. augh. (quietly losing my mind)#rex rambles
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i lov being here everyone smothers me with affection and attention i may have many roles but my favourite one is being the Charge jt is so funs. i lov attention i lov attention i lov attention
#pk;m curly🩹#like they don't baby me or anything or treat me as lesser due to my.#well i struggle to call it disability but i absolutely am disabled aren't i#i dont fuckign have any ARMS OR LEGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! jzjdjzjsdjxjxj#anyways it's so fun here people use pet names 4 me all the time everyone calls me doll it's very sweet#again i want 2 make it clear that they don't treat me as helpless i very much am not. they just#don't like me getting aorund by myself NOT BECAUSE I CAN HURT MYSELF BUT BECAUSE IT SCARES THEM AND I FIND IT FUNNY TO SCARE THEM ON PURPOSE#JSJSDMDMXMXXMXMXKZ#this life is gr8 it only took getting fuckin exploded 4 everyone to pay attention to me i lov attention i lov being the center of attention#not to mentjon everyone helps comfort me when i have nightmares andddddhshahahdhdaaaaaaaa. everyone's so nice i could cry!!!!!!!!!!!!#anyways i lov it here. everything's going to be okay. everything's going to be Okay.
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If I had I nickel for every time a pair of conjoined twins in a horror movie fell to their deaths from a substantial height and landed in the same position they used to be conjoined before having been traumatically separated, I’d have two nickels- which isn’t a lot, but it’s weird that it happened twice.
#house of wax#basket case#okay I know belial and duane didn’t die but they were supposed to before the sequels happened#and in case your wondering yes the messages on depndency and disability and toxic power dynamics and nurturing yes yes that all gets to me#I am not imune to the sadness of twins#or men with big beautiful blue eyes who said that#also it’s 5am and I woke up in a cold sweat like five minutes ago so if this isn’t anything don’t hold it against me
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#today I am disabled#fr I slept all day and I'm about to sleep again#my feet and legs hurt so much last night that I dreamed someone was cutting them off to replace them with better ones#I'm falling back into that 'working and recovering from working' routine again and I hate it#I don't want to live like this#I can't really eat tomatoes anymore. no pizza sauce no pasta sauce no tomato based soups#it just hurts#the overwhelming fatigue and pain. typing feels like lifting weights#and there's this heavy thing in my chest that says it will never get better than this#I just want someone to hug me and tell me it will be okay#even tho it kinda wont#I wish I could get disability...#maybe I should ask my parents for help with it tbh.#I didn't used to be like this...#I used to work twelve and fourteen hour shifts. I used to go places just for fun#fuck#delete later#vent post
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Me: so everyone I know is growing up or moving on to better things and I'll have to learn how to be alone with myself
Me: alright I can do this
Me: yeah, yeah I got this, I've been getting so good
Me: hey I actually really like having the house to myse-
Me: (proceeds to have abandonment issues worse than a preschoolers first day of school and runs around the house like a kid that lost their parent at the grocery store)
#okay but nobody understands what its like when you are disabled with this too#luckily im not entirely helpless but its terrifying to be left alone when you get seizures and dislocate your legs and struggle to walk#but i cant tell nobody especially my mom cause she just finished her phlebotomy course and i know she'd trash her dreams for me#i love her too much to be thst selfish. she has fought hard to get through her externship and im so proud of her#but also. its scary being alone. any friends are always busy too and here i am sitting in my bed feeling like shit. i hate being so pathetic#sad thoughts#vent blog#sad blogging#vent#vent post#venting#actually mentally ill#actually obsessive
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i love and agree with every mental illness or neurodivergency or physical disability hc anyone has abt any character btw. ESPECIALLY if they're projecting. unironically more ppl should do it
#i think projecting is fine and fun but you gotta do it knowingly and proudly okay?#otherwise you might enter silly arguments and not understand why the other person's not getting it#we should all ask ourselves ''am i projecting rn?'' and if the answer is yes we should go ''yippee! hooray! this is fun''#ESPECIALLY abt disabilities of any sort. sometimes throwing the ''just like me fr'' ball at a character makes things a little easier#this post was brought to you by: that one guy who keeps posting abt bpd dazai. you're never gonna guess why it does that
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I feel like spiraling is always described as a quick thing but let me tell you. Girls will get afraid and slowly spiral for months I think.
#Like overall we're. Okay#Just wish I had disability getting approved soon or I find a new job or I can just somehow not be sitting in#Either the negatives or slightly above the negatives#Financially I am slowly dying and I'm not dead in the water because my beloved gf is amazing and thankfully can handle this#For at least a few months#But my long term thoughts are so uncertain#I just want to be around her and I just want us to live comfortably#I'm ever so slowly trying to crawl out of this over a year art block and that's a bit taxing mentally too#Idk I just want a bedframe that doesn't make me scared I'll fall every time I sleep or get on it#I wanna work off my fuckhuge loan debt#Its been so ungodly hard recently#I'm also thankful my dr rocks and meds have been helping with pain a good bit.#It just feels like I'm ever so slowly slipping into pretty much bed ridden territory again#Even with the meds. They help the pain a good bit (sometimes) but I still feel exhausted. And I'm getting insomniatic again#I just wanna sleep. I just wanna feel no stress for the first time. I've been stressed since fucking middle school#Or maybe even 6th grade because thats when the chronic pain started! Yayy!!!
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kind of frustrating that people took "fat does not equal unhealthy" to mean "fat is not unhealthy." sometimes being obese IS unhealthy & excess fat can cause a lot of problems. ignoring health issues isn't progressive. real "oranges kill people with depression" moment
#i have a lot to say but i think it all boils down to this:#the only reason people think this way is because they experienced body shaming & bullying for their fatness#& instead of gaining a healthy relationship with their body & its needs they went full denial mode#people that aren't fat that think this way are just going with things uncritically which is also bad btw#because when you have decades of proof that being severely overweight can be detrimental to your health#(& no i don't mean fucking. supersize me. i mean medical proof that too much fat causes diseases & early death)#but you're ignoring that because a tiktok influencer that has no medical experience said so#that is a huge lack of critical thinking skills on display & people are gonna listen to that misinformation & some might die#this isn't some light shit that can be waved off as non-harmful because it IS harmful! it is actively hurting people!!#again being unhealthy isn't a moral failing & no one deserves shit for that!! but that's the whole damn point isn't it!!!#militant fat activists are so afraid of their fatness being associated with anything negative they turn right around into ableism#they don't WANT to be considered disabled! because being disabled IS a moral failing to them. disability is abnormal#& of course being morbidly obese is totally normal. because if it wasn't then they'd need to do work & handle an ED#& that's too much to grapple with mentally so. no. they're normal. super normal. don't look at the lifespan of someone over 300lb#btw i am 100% aware that a lot of this is combined with other issues like racism sexism homo/transphobia genuine fatphobia#but also sometimes they really can't operate on someone that can't recover afterwards#like i wouldn't call the vet bigoted & cat-hating for being unable to operate on my 20yo cat#Minnie would simply not survive that. because she is so damn old#unfortunately for Minnie she can't get younger but people CAN lose weight in multiple different ways#& it may seem like the world is attacking you but you really have to train yourself out of automatic bad faith reactions#''you couldn't possibly understand!!'' yeah okay i'm sooo abled & privileged you got me there (<-sarcasm. if you couldn't tell)#just because someone hasn't experienced your EXACT thing doesn't mean they can't relate & haven't gone through similar#it's so difficult to train your brain out of that shit i get that but you really really really have to. or you will die#or at least be miserable#DISCLAIMER: i'm not talking about every person who has even a little fat on their body. fat is NEEDED#but like all things too much of a good thing can cause problems & fat is not exempt#this is about morbid obesity. not someone who's like 160lb that shit is normal#& people need to stop thinking anything over 110lb is fat#because it isn't & i think most people are getting into unhealthy territory at that low of a weight#basically i view being too fat the same as being too thin. they both cause health problems & should be taken seriously
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“hey so we’re gonna need you to focus up and pay attention and not talk for 3 hours straight. and no you can’t look at your phone or ask brief questions or think out loud and 98% of what will be said won’t apply to you.”
“also i know you have adhd and that you said your adderall wore off but so do i. you just have to learn.”
do you seriously think i am capable of that. what if i blew you up with a cool wizard beam attack? what if the beam was purple.
#this is NOT a threat aimed at anyone specifically AT ALL#i will not commit violence NOR WILL I CONDONE IT#but honestly i’m so fucking TIRED of being told to ‘just pay attention’ and ‘work harder on focusing’#i have a fucking DISORDER WHERE MY BRAIN DOES NOT FUCKING WORK CORRECTLY#well i have adhd too. everyone does.#okay? what type then? you on adderall? how many jobs did you lose because of it?#how many times have you almost had to deal with legal issues because of it? how many times did you almost fail college because of it?#i’m tired of ableism by people that ‘have adhd too’#you know good and goddamn well we aren’t all the same and severity and symptoms differ from person to person#honestly this is about a hobby that i love doing that i’m now considering quitting#i’m not the only victim to the overall ableism BUT#refusal to accommodate and demanding compliance in a space that’s supposed to be accepting#yeah no. i can’t sit for 4 fucking hours off adderal and do nothing#and it’s like i do do something for a cumulative 1 hour of that time#i am seriously considering quitting and it breaks my heart#adhd#ableism#i don’t want to but i also don’t want to deal with ableism everything i do something non neurotypical that people have decided is#‘distracting’#i’m making quiet comments under my breath not to anyone next to or near me#and i’m not really willing to go through the process of trying to explain this shit to ableists who claim having the same disorder makes#our experiences and disability levels the same#i’ve had to fight this shit my whole life. i do this hobby because it’s fun#it’s not fun if you’re gonna tell me to sit and do nothing for 4 hours and get mad when i stop paying attention#or if i ask questions or talk to myself.#i’m so fucking tired of this shit.#my grown adult ass is now at the point where i do whatever the fuck i want forever#and sitting around for 3 cumulative hours is not what i fucking want to do
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hahaha holy fuck im so fucking stupid
i was panicking bc my internet bill was gonna be late and i didnt wanna get cut off, hence why i shared my paypal link the other day, and i did get help so i was able to pay it off, which, thank god
BUT I COMPLETELY FUCKING FORGOT I HADNT PAID MY PHONE BILL AND HAD GOTTEN A DISCONNECTION NOTICE AND NOW THEY JUST DISCONNECTED ME
im so fucking stupid im so fucking stupid oh my god how am i so fucking stupid
#fuck okay things are worse than i realized#things are quite a bit worse than i realized#HOW DID I JUST. FORGET ABT MY PHONE BILL#im so fucking stupid fuck#god#i hate this#i hate this i hate this i hate this#so sick and tired of drowning in an inch of water#so tired of being punished for being disabled and mentally ill#i cant believe i did this#like ill forget to pay bills sometimes but not for THIS LONG#not to the point of getting FUCKING DISCONNECTED#fuck#im so mad#now ill have to pay the reconnection fee#how am i supposed to survive until march#genuinely dont know if im gonna make it#fuckkk#i hate my stupid fucking swiss cheese brain i hate my stupid fucking wet noodle body i hate fucking.. everything#fuck. sorry. bad day today
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tfw u finally go to make urself a dinner plate and some nasty ass man walks into the kitchen, picks up the entire serving bowl of creamed corn and puts his filthy mouth on the bowl like it’s a giant cup and tilts it straight in. multiple times. 🙃
#could you not wait long enough to get a fucking spoon and your own bowl like a civilized human respectful of other people#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#food mention#yeah no it’s cool it’s fine it’s not like i wanted to eat some too or anything#it’s not like that’s one of the only vegan dishes here that i can therefore eat haha no it’s fine#i guess a normal person wouldn’t let it bother them but my OCD is having none of it. that corn is Tainted with your Mouth Germs now#oh what you want one of the last rolls that i was gonna eat? yeah no that’s cool man that’s fine eat as much as you want! :)#i hate the holidays more and more every year. nothing but stress and for what. i don’t even like these people#but whatever i guess i shouldn’t bitch about it when i choose to remain here#as if everyone with a shitty family has the power and ability to just Leave. i don’t think you realize the extent of my disability#but fucking whatever#someone put dirty plates in the cabinet with the clean ones#someone put the turkey in with a sink full of dishes#someone put the mashed potatoes in the bread box#i’m not even exaggerating#ahhh the joys of being the only sober person here. man what the actual hell. what level of intoxication must one reach to do this shit#whatever it’s fine i just have to learn to stop giving a fuck. let them be stupid and live with the consequences.#it’s late and i’m getting a stress headache. time to go brave the kitchen once more and actually get food this time#then i can be miserable in bed. but with food :) and eat myself sick as a shitty form of self-soothing#but it’s fine today bc it’s literally Eat Too Much day in the US so for once it’s kinda normal#then be too tired and depressed to make myself brush my teeth. and therefore contribute to my dental issues. two birds and all that#am i even making sense anymore. im so tired. of being a person. and like. existing#but im grateful to have food and running water and electricity and a place to sleep and everything else i take for granted#so i should just focus on that and try to ignore all the bad#ough i feel sick. okay Food Time fr this time. let’s hope no one’s in the kitchen now
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I'm like. spiraling.
My body hurts and it's falling apart and there's nothing wrong with it and there's no way to fix it. I'll never be able to have a normal job again. I can barely stand how am I supposed to finish college. I need help and I keep asking people to help me and that makes them uncomfortable and I'm asking too much of them. I say there is no food in my house. They say why don't you go buy food. I say I'm too disabled to drive. They say oof lol. How does oof help me. How are you not worried about me. How when I say I haven't bought food in a week or washed my clothes in a year people respond omg lol and not holy shit are you okay do you need help how are you alive. Not to be lazy or anything but I would actually literally kill for someone to hold me and say it's okay you don't have to do this alone anymore I'm going to help you. I would commit unspeakable acts of violence for someone to offer to drive me to the store. Once you're disabled you're trash you can't contribute to society just let yourself decay. I make everyone uncomfortable by just existing as myself and I ruin every event by either being visibly in pain and pulling an ugly face because my legs are about to give out or by not going because my spine is broken and I can't leave my bed. My family won't help me they don't believe me I'm not allowed to flinch or look like I'm in pain because my face is ugly when I'm in pain and I'm just faking it to get out of doing anything at all. I don't have a single support system or way to survive this shit. I'm in so much pain constantly there's not even a word for it because I can't just say it hurts nobody takes me seriously or understands just how bad it hurts. I can't say it's like a knife in my spine that sounds so fucking fake. It's like a knife in my spine and every tiny cell that moves hurts it because it's a fucking blade stuck between my bones. It's cutting and mangling my skin and muscles and everyone is like why don't you just stop having a knife in your back and the doctors say you do not have avknifevin your back and my parents say everyone has a knife in their back and you're just pretending it hurts and being lazy because you hate me. How am I still alive why am I still alive why does it just keep getting worse
#There's actually no reason for me to exist and I'm never going to get better or get help and no one will ever understand#I feel so useless and I will never be as good as my peers#Even my disabled peers live and handle themselves and manage their symptoms better than I can#I'm like not okay for real my brain is Fucked fucked#Shit like eating and pissing have become a fucking reward for me I'm not allowed to do it if I've been bad#I say good. you sit there and you hurt and you think about what you did and you think about this next time you want to act like a baby#But punishment doesn't even fucking work on me nothing works!!!!!!!!#I just like having a real tangible way to prove I can feel and I'm not making my pain up#I'm such a fucking toddler I expect to be fed with a spoon and reminded to use the potty and told when I need to take a nap#I need to be told how to shower properly and the right way to clean my house and the normal way to speak to people or think with my brain#Why am I like this. Why when I start to get comfortable with someone I pretend I'm a baby or a dog#Nobody thinks this way. What the fuck is wrong with you#Why can't I be a human. Why do I want to bark and bite people. Why does it hurt to touch people like a person would#There isn't a single normal thing about me. I'm so fucked up and awful and gross I literally need to be put down
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