#okay I’m done now I am done no more overwhelmed posting

[identitty-dickruption]

“I’m so overwhelmed I cannot do this anymore it’s all over” <- guy who will continue regardless

[lady-of-tearshed]

Solace

Eris Vanserra x Reader

(Unedited yet! Posted it by accident 😑 I didn't even realized it until @daycourtofficial reposted 🤣 I was so confused lol)

Summary: Eris comes back from a meeting exhausted. He is overwhelmed with his new role as a High Lord lately, and his mate decides to take special care of him.

Eris sighed as he came back to your shared chambers later than anticipated from an awfully boring meeting. He had still tons of work to be done with, new courtiers to hire, troops reorganization, and court finances issues to fix and analyze in more depth. He was supposed to hand back a report about analyzing these financial issues this afternoon actually, but he didn’t even have time to finish writing it. Surprisingly, his courtiers had decided to be kind enough not to bring up his missing report in his meeting this afternoon.

His ears perk up when he hears the bathtub water running from the bathroom. He quietly walks his way there, and spots you pouring bubble bath and salts into the tub. He spots two sets of matching pajamas perfectly folded on the bathroom countertop. You were running him a bath… His heart swells with guilt, feeling ashamed of being absent recently. And yet there you were… still taking care of him.

Pangs of guilt flow through the bond, you look over your shoulder to see your mate staring at you, his brows frowned in concern “I’m unworthy of you…”. His Adam's apple bobs as he tries to swallow the tick knot in his throat. 

You walk over to Eris and wrap your arms around his neck, his instinctively resting on your hips. You stare into his eyes with determination and pure honesty shining into them and say “I am to judge whether or not someone is worthy of me, and you, Eris Vanserra, I can confidently say that you are.”. 

He opens his mouth and shakes his head to complain, but you cut him off with a sweet kiss on his lips “Don’t go down that path, please.” He sighs but kisses you back gently on your forehead, breathing in your comforting scent. “Okay…”

You smile and slowly pull back to stop the faucet before the bath overflows on the tiles. Eris can’t help but stare at your curves as you undress and sink into the bath first, a content sigh falls from your lips as the warm water makes your whole body melt in delight.

“Why are you still standing there?” You tease as you look over at Eris, frozen in his contemplation. His hands were still gripping the edge of his shirt he had wanted to take off before getting distracted. He shakes his head and chuckles at his own thoughts, thinking about how his wife could take his attention away by doing literally anything. He undresses and settles himself in the bath between your legs, his back pressed against your chest. You run your wet fingers through his hair and he groans in pleasure, leaning his head back onto your shoulder. You smile and kiss the side of his face.

It has been a while since you had any kind of intimacy with Eris, he had been spending a lot of time fixing the mistakes and changing the ways of Beron’s past reign in the past few weeks. You had caught him falling asleep in his study a few times recently, he looked so drained that every time you found him asleep on his desk, you felt too bad to wake him up to selfishly have him beside you in bed. So every time, you only had placed a pillow under his head, wrapped a sheet around his shoulders, and kissed his head goodnight silently. 

When you snap out of your thoughts, you turn your head and notice that Eris’s eyes are now shut, his lips slightly parted, all of his features relaxed and his head feels heavier onto your shoulder… “You’re not falling asleep on me… are you?” you chuckle “No…no.” He whispers under his breath.

He sits up and stretches his neck, hissing slightly at the soreness caused by his constant stress, lack of sleep, and probably many other factors. 

“I still need to finish writing this report-” He almost moans when your fingers expertly start to knead his poor muscles. 

You smile and hold back a laugh at Eris' pleased sounds. His thoughts were now completely off his work and the thing he was about to say. His soreness slowly fades away as your fingers work their magic on him. 

As you keep applying just enough pressure on the sore spots on Eris's shoulders, your eyes dart to his many moles and freckles. You suddenly realize that you don’t often have the opportunity to stare at his bare back. “Beautiful…” the words fall from your lips absent-mindedly.

Your words breaking the silence confuse Eris “...What?” he asks, his voice low from the deep state of relaxation you had managed to soak him in. “I said they’re beautiful, your moles and freckles. They make me think of a starry night sky. You are exquisite, my love.”.

The blush on his face travels up all the way to his ears, and he mumbles a shy ‘you too’, too stunned to answer anything back at your sweet words. He wonders how you manage to do it, every word that comes out of your mouth is always so honest and so… poetic. 

—

The bubbles of the bath had completely melted, and the water was starting to turn cold when you both decided to get out of the bath. You had braided your damp hair before the two of you quite literally crawled your way under the soft duvet of your bed. 

Eris was gently stroking your cheek with his thumb, admiring your peaceful figure lying down in front of him. He was trying his best to heat up your ice-cold feet with his legs wrapped around yours. After years of marriage, he still couldn’t understand how your feet always seemed to be literal ice cubes. You were starting to drift to sleep when suddenly you reminded yourself of something “You know that unfinished report you were worried about earlier?”

“Yeah?”

“You finished it this afternoon.”

He furrows his eyebrows in confusion “Impossible, I was in a meeting this afternoon-” Realization hits him when he hears you scoff quietly, his eyes soften and he pulls you closer to his chest, squeezing you tightly into his arms and kissing the crown of your head. You nuzzle into his warmth, appreciating the low rumble of his chest when he speaks up quietly before you both drift to sleep. “Thank you…”

“I love you.” You whisper as you fall back asleep.

“I love you the most, my solace.” 

••••••••••••

A/N: Well, I was supposed to post it on Friday or Saturday, but here we are! 😅 Hope you like it. I barely edited it, so if you guys notice anything, please let me know 💕

[spinningwebsandtales]

Imagine Playing Video Games With Gen

Gen Narumi X FemReader

Rating: T

Warnings: Arguing, reader’s temper flares and she destroys something, reader is a little stressed, sprinkle of angst, fluff at the end

Word Count: 894

(A/N:) This has been in my drafts for a good long while! But now it will finally see the light of day! I hope everyone is enjoying the Kaiju No. 8 anime so far! I am! Saturdays have become so exciting for me and I’ve been watching the episodes over and over. I just adore this story and I can’t wait to see more moments come to life! But until next time enjoy this little piece! Happy reading! ~Countess

Dating Gen Narumi had it’s ups and it’s downs. But the First Division leader was good at what he does. From killing kaiju to slaughtering online players in the gaming universe. While you enjoyed playing video games every now and again, life always seemed to take up majority of your time. That and the threats of kaiju constantly threatening the innocent civilians. So it was a rare moment when you got to sit down to play by yourself, let alone with the man known as the Force’s Strongest Combatant. 

You found yourself in one such rare moment. It was a rainy day and so far no kaiju threat had emerged. So Gen invited you into his office where he wanted to play games. Surrounded by his figurines and sitting in a comfortable chair before his large gaming setup, you were furiously smashing buttons while Gen sat at your side smirking obnoxiously. Gritting your teeth, trying to come back at the last second only to lose the round. Cursing viciously, you were just about to smash the controller when Gen’s larger hand encircled your wrist.

“These controllers are very expensive babe,” he smirked.

“You can afford a new one captain,” you snarled, temper still flaring. Still Gen refused to release your wrist. Guiding you to sit back down, he brought your hand close to his face, where he brushed tender kisses to the skin of your wrist. You started calming down until he bit down on your wrist playfully. With a hiss you ripped yourself away from his grip and sent his precious controller flying. It shattered against the wall with a satisfying crash.

Normally Gen would freak out, bursting out with a childish tantrum. But as he glared at you, emotions raging inside his eyes, you knew you royally screwed up. Quietly Gen walked over to the destroyed controller, scooping up the pieces and throwing them into the trash. Guilt eating at you, you knew that your temper got out of hand, so you walked to him to help him clean up the mess you made.

“I’m sorry Gen,” you apologized immediately. “I’ll buy you a new one. I shouldn’t have done that.”

He shook his head, “It’s okay. I’ll replace it. I shouldn’t have teased you so much.”

“No it’s not you. I lost my temper and all you were doing was playing with me like you usually do. I guess I just have so much stress on me right now. It’s no excuse but I’ll try better.”

“I’ll let you win some,” he offered.

“Ha! Don’t let me win you goof,” you laughed tossing the last plastic piece into the wastebasket. “It’s no fun that way!”

“Well that was my only extra controller,” he ran his fingers through his two toned hair. “Wanna go get a new one together? The walk may do you some good if you’ve been overwhelmed here lately.”

“It’s raining though,” you whined.

Gen chuckled, standing back up and offering you his hand. “It’s okay! You aren’t sweet enough to melt!” You stuck out your tongue but took his hand nonetheless. 

Walking down the streets of Japan hand in hand with Gen Narumi was something you probably would never get used to. With the stares and whispers encircling you both. It didn’t help that his phone would keep pinging in his pocket from people posting about the handsome captain whenever he made an appearance. Normally he would be scrolling through all said posts and ignore you, but on this occasion as he held your hand and the umbrella above your heads, he could do no such thing. You stepped into him tightly, enjoying the warmth of his body heat as the rain relentlessly beat against the umbrella.

Making it to Gen’s normal electronic haunt and purchase in tow, you both made it back to Gen’s office in record time. It helped that the rain only had picked up heavier as you both were out. Setting it up and handing it over. You couldn’t help but notice that he had purchased the controller in your favorite color. 

“This one will be yours whenever you want to play,” he kissed your cheek. “And maybe if it’s yours you’ll take better care of it.”

You laughed before kissing his cheek back, “Thank you Gen. You know how to treat a girl right.”

“Of course! Now ready to lose some more?”

“Who knows I may get lucky,” you grinned viciously a plan already cooking in your mind.

You wound up winning a couple of rounds, though you did have to resort to cheating. Gen couldn’t play when you knocked his chair over during a critical time in the round. And apparently he didn’t enjoy having feet anywhere around his head. So you took to sticking your toes against his cheek or blocking his vision, with said feet. Though you did pay dearly for cheating as Gen tickled you mercilessly, leaving you both breathless sprawled out on the floor. You couldn’t help but wish for more easy days like this. And though it had started out rough, this was what you needed. Just to be around the man you love and have fun. It was like the tension you had been dragging around for weeks melted away, just from the looks he gave you and you knew that Gen needed this as well.

[footballffbarbiex]

Repeat After Me.

Okay I'm breaking the norm a little bit here, but I've wanted to do something nice for my doll @mvybanks for a while and tonight feels like a good time to do it.

If this is awful, lets just pretend I never posted it while I fake my own death, flee the country and we'll all just move on yeah?

There's probably mistakes as it's not been BETA'd but I'll die on my typo hill and that's that.

_

“Stop it,” your boyfriend’s voice pulls you from your thoughts but it’s the tone of it which makes you instinctively turn your head to look at him. It’s soft yet commanding. 

He’s sat propped up by a small pile of plush cushions behind him on the couch. One knee is drawn up to enable him to rest his book against his thigh while his arm is extended and rests over the knee. His beanie is pulled down, allowing a few unruly curls to flick out from beneath it. His tongue flicks a toothpick from side to side between his lips. 

He’s not even looking at you and for a moment or two, you’re both sitting in silence with you beginning to wonder if you had imagined him speaking. Furrowing your brow, you begin to bring your attention back to your phone but not before you catch his face turning ever so slightly to look your way. 

“I mean it.” He says. 

“I’m not doing anything.”

“You’re getting in your head again. Stop it.”

The temptation to huff and deny it is overwhelming but the last time you’d done this, he’d reprimanded you for not using your words to express how you were feeling and insisted on spending as long as it took between the sheets until you were capable of both saying how you felt and losing every thought that could form. In a way, some part of you wished that he’d take you back to bed and made it so that you didn’t have to think. Didn’t have to do anything other than be made to feel incredible and reciprocate it. 

“Do I need to come over there?” He asks, folding the corner of the page and closes it, ignoring the way you wince at the action. You’d left enough notes scribbled over pages of books while taking notes for your course to become desensitised by this, but to see it creased? That was something else. 

“Why? So that you can give me an up close and personal talk about how stressing over my answers now won’t change the result and I’m moping around for nothing?”

JJ discards the book and climbs from the couch, not stopping his movements until he’s not only in front of you but pushing your knees apart and covering your body with his own. His nose rubs against yours lightly, lips brushing over the curve of your own. “Are you going to stop?”

“No.” You say stubbornly. 

“No?” He repeats, eyebrow arching as he adjusts his weight to get into a better position. 

“No.” 

“Oh baby, what am I going to do with you?” he asks, more to himself than needing a reply from you. 

You open your mouth to give him one regardless but before you can do so, his lips are back on yours. He starts off soft, light kisses pressed to your lips, slowly building you up until your mouth parts and his tongue meets yours. Even then, he takes his time being ever so careful not to rush it. 

One hand clutches at his clothing, while the other one snakes up between his shoulder blades until your fingertips reach his beanie. It’s tugged from his head, only so that you can fill your hand with the softness of his hair. When JJ nibbles at your bottom lip, you give his hair a quick tug and feel the way he bucks his hips to yours. 

“Tell me you’ll stop stressing.” he mutters, barely allowing his lips to leave yours to form the words. 

“I’ll try.” You reply hurriedly. 

“No, I want you to say it.” He instructs, breaking the kiss to look down at you. There’s nothing he likes more than seeing you all flustered, with enlarged pupils and slightly swollen lips from kissing.

“Don’t play JJ. I thought you wanted to help.” Your tone is almost whiny. It should make you feel ashamed but you’re not. 

“I’m trying to. So,” He begins, hips grinding against you in a circular motion while his fingers stroke over your heated cheeks. His thumb traces over where his lips were only moments ago before dipping beneath your jaw and over as much of your throat as he can reach. “Repeat after me, I’ll stop stressing.”

“I’ll stop stressing.” you say obediently, swallowing hard when he smirks down at you.

“I’ll stop thinking about what I could have done better.”

When you groan with frustration at what he’s asking you to do. “Do I ha-”

“Yes. Unless you want me to stop?” He teases, dipping his head to your neck and you feel his mouth connect with your skin. Soft lips dragging over your pulse point, peppering the area with kisses, trailing them down to your shoulder where he playfully nips at the skin - knowing how shy you get about the idea of having a hickey in such a visible place.  

“I’ll stop thinking about what I could have done better.” You repeat and feel the way his teeth bare against you as he grins. 

“That’s my girl.”

[alastor-is-best-deer-boi]

The Littlest Morningstar

Rating: Gen

Warnings: None

Tags: Pre-canon, fluff, domestic fluff, parenthood, canon compliant for the most part I think except maybe one headcanon

Word Count: 1k

Summary: Lucifer and Lilith Morningstar admire their newborn daughter, Charlotte.

Note: After episode five I just had to write this! I had it stuck in my head and needed to get it out. I know posting it right before new episodes tomorrow seems crazy, but better now than tomorrow I think. Hope you enjoy all the fluff! This is my first Hazbin Hotel fic, so I hope it's not ooc.

Also, I know the title is ironic considering Charlie grows up to be taller than her dad, but it fits in this context.

Additionally, we need more little Charlie gifs! I know it's not accurate to the fic, but it's the best I can do.

Also Read on AO3

Lucifer sat slightly curled up with his wife, Lilith, on their bed. The couple leaned against each other, taking in the quiet, peaceful moment with the newest addition to their family, their newborn daughter.

He watched how his wife doted on her sleeping daughter, bundled up comfortably in a soft blanket. Lilith whispered sweet words to the infant, a smile on her face. Lucifer felt like he’d fallen in love with his wife all over again, his heart full of love for his precious family.

“What’s on your mind, dear?” Lilith spoke, still keeping her tone soft to not wake up Charlotte.

Lucifer looked up at her, a small smile on his face. “Just thinking about how lucky I am to have both of you in my life… and, I don’t know, I guess I’m feeling a little overwhelmed with love right now.” He chuckled softly, wiping a tear from his eye.

Lilith beamed, taking his hand in hers for a moment, rubbing gentle circles with her thumb on his skin.

“How are you feeling?” He asked.

She let out a small sigh, though still with a happy expression. “Tired… but overjoyed.”

“It was a lot to go through, but you, of course, handled it gracefully throughout the whole thing.” He kissed her hand.

“The whole thing? I feel like you may be exaggerating just a tad.” She joked.

“No, I mean it. How could I possibly lie about my beautiful, strong, and amazing wife, huh? It’s not something I’d do.” He grinned, meaning every word he said.

“Thank you, honey.” Lilith smiled and placed her hand on his cheek, leaning closer to kiss him.

Lucifer gladly accepted, closing his eyes and enjoying her presence. They eventually parted and rested their foreheads together; both smiling.

He pulled away when he heard the tiniest-sounding yawn he’d ever heard in his life; causing a wave of emotions in his heart. Lilith and he looked down at their tiny daughter. Her face had scrunched up, and with some effort, she opened her eyes.

“Oh, just look at her, Luce…” Lilith cooed, making sure her daughter was still settled comfortably in the blanket.

He could feel tears welling up again, quickly wiping them away and smiling. “She’s beautiful.”

“She looks like you, has your eyes.” She murmured, looking down at her with a small smile.

Lucifer felt a swell of pride seeing how similar his daughter’s eyes looked to his. Long ago, he struggled with some of the changes that had been done to him when he fell, the color of his eyes included. But seeing them in his daughter, they suited her wonderfully.

“Her eye shape is like yours, and she kinda has your nose,” he commented. “I think she’s a perfect mix of us, right?”

Lilith couldn’t help but smile again. “Absolutely perfect. Do you want to hold her?”

“Oh, really? You sure you’re ready to hand her over? Just look how small she is, practically the size of my hand! So fragile… I just… well, I…” He chuckled nervously, stammering.

“Honey, you won’t hurt her. It’ll be okay.” She cut off his anxious rambling, attempting to soothe him.

Lucifer looked up at her, slightly furrowing his brows and nodding, attempting to get his nervousness under control. “I���m sorry, you’re right… I guess I’m just…”

“Scared? I understand. You’re not alone in this.” She gave him an empathetic look. “We’ve been practicing for the whole nine months. You got this.”

He let out a breath he hadn’t realized he was holding and nodded again. “Thank you, Lili. I’m ready.”

“Don’t forget to unbutton your shirt a bit. Skin-to-skin contact is important for newborns.” She explained.

“Oh, uh, right.” Lucifer muttered and worked on unbuttoning a few top buttons on his shirt. He was significantly dressed down for the whole experience, wearing a long-sleeved plain button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up and slacks.

When he was done, he held his arms out, carefully taking the infant in a secure hold as his wife slowly passed her to him. Little Charlotte blinked a couple of times, looking around the room. She had managed to wriggle one of her tiny hands out of the swaddle, still having her little fingers in an instinctive fist.

Lucifer held her close to his heart, hoping she could feel all the overwhelming love coming from the people who loved her most. He smiled, listening to her soft breathing and quiet coos.

“We’re so glad you’re here with us, little one,” he spoke softly, noticing how curious she was, continuing to look around. “Yeah, it’s a big change… all these new sights and senses. But you’re safe here with us. I promise.”

Lilith rested her head against her husband’s shoulder, watching them both lovingly.

Lucifer gently touched her soft, chubby cheeks. His thumb carefully rubbed the adorable little red circles on her face. They were just like the ones on his face.

Charlotte made a little content coo, already heading for the process of babbling. Though it would be a long while to get to that point. She reached her tiny hand out, gripping Lucifer’s finger.

“Wow… she’s way stronger than she looks.” He chuckled softly. “I suppose she takes after her mother.”

Lilith placed her hand on theirs for a moment, not fighting the urge to smile again. “She takes after both of her parents.”

He nodded, feeling tears in his eyes start to well up again. “She’s perfect… thank you for giving me the opportunity to be a father, I mean it.” He looked at Lilith, feeling nothing but pure love.

She smiled and gave him a quick kiss. Next, she kissed her daughter’s head; causing the newborn’s face to scrunch up in surprise for a split second.

Lucifer chuckled at her adorably confused expression. “You okay, Char Char? I guess it’s another new thing to get used to.”

“Char Char?” Lilith repeated, an amused smile showing on her face. “She’s barely hours old and you’ve already come up with a nickname?”

“Ah, well, I guess I couldn’t help myself… she’s just so cute!” He blushed a little from embarrassment.

“Of course she is. Look who her father is.” Lilith teasingly flirted a little. She laughed shortly, seeing how red his face turned.

“Thank you, dear.” Lucifer smiled and looked away for a brief second before looking back down at his daughter, gaining his composure somewhat.

Even though she wasn’t at the age yet to know how to smile, the corner of Charlotte’s mouth pulled up a little, giving the appearance of a smile.

Lucifer rested his face against Lilith’s shoulder for a second. “I don’t know if I have the strength for this Lili.” His voice muffled slightly.

She picked up on why and chuckled quietly. “Why is that?”

“Just—look at her! My heart can’t take how cute she is,” he said in a hushed tone, turning to look at his daughter again.

“I guess you’ll have to get used to it.” She smiled.

“I have no choice.” He sighed, clearly smiling as well.

Charlotte cooed again, and he gently patted her head, feeling the soft golden curls of her hair.

“I can tell she’s getting sleepy again… or maybe hungry… or both.” He furrowed his brows. “I’m going to have to learn all the differences.”

“You’ll get them in time,” she replied.

“Do you want to take her again?” He asked. “I don’t want to hoard all the baby cuddles…”

“If you’re okay with it, and there’s no such thing as hoarding baby cuddles.”

Lucifer scoffed lightheartedly. “Yet.”

He kissed Charlotte’s little red cheeks before handing her back to her mother. He watched her settle back into her mother’s arms, yawning again.

“Oh, you were right about her being hungry… I’m guessing after this she’ll probably fall asleep again,” Lilith spoke, nursing her daughter.

“Sounds about right. That’s the life of a baby, especially one as new as her.”

Eventually, as they had predicted, Charlotte fell asleep. Lucifer listened to her calm breathing again, feeling at peace, which had been hard to come by in his life before.

“We’re parents now,” he stated. “This is our new life…”

“Still feeling glad about it?” Lilith asked.

“I’m overjoyed.” He spoke honestly. “It’s just a lot to take in.”

She nodded. “I’m sure after a bit we’ll settle into our new routine.”

Lucifer looked up at her and smiled, appreciating how wise she was being. What would he do without her?

“I know I sound like a broken record, but I’m so lucky to have you two… I love you both.” He managed to keep his voice steady.

Lilith kissed his cheek. “I feel the same.”

Lucifer hoped he’d be good at this whole father thing. He knew that realistically every parent made mistakes, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t give it his best. And it didn’t change the fact that no matter what, he would love his daughter with everything he had.

“I love you, Charlotte. More than anything.” He thought.

[borderlinereminders]

I just finished helping with my best friend’s wedding. I spent two different days running around Vancouver area (which is a large city and something I find draining) in a rush. It was exhausting. It was emotional. It was overwhelming at times.

And that’s okay.

My personal share here is that sometimes, it’s normal to inconvenience ourselves and sacrifice for our relationships. I see a lot of posts worded in black and white ways telling us not to do things like that and it’s not that simple.

I faced my anxiety and gave a speech at her wedding because it was important to her. I was shaken even afterwards and it took me time to calm down.

I pushed myself to help her as much as I could even though I was running out of energy. I used spoons and borrowed from other areas of my life to temporarily help her.

I was exhausted interacting with a bunch of new people just to be present at her wedding for several hours and to get help in the preparations.

In each of these situations, I made the choice myself. I wasn’t pressured. It was very safe to say “no” to her. She would have been understanding and not at all upset with me. But I still made the choice to do these things. And it was all worth it. It was all worth it because I love her. And I am so beyond happy I pushed myself. I’m so happy I did it. And I’m so happy that she trusted me to help her. I’m at home now thinking about how happy I am for everything and how it turned out and no part of me regrets any of it.

We’re so often told not to sacrifice for others and that can be true in a lot of cases. But it is normal to give in relationships. It becomes a problem when it’s one-sided or we don’t respect our own boundaries.

She has sacrificed for me, too.

She drove me during a busy traffic time yesterday when she hates that because I was anxious and it helped me for her to bring me where I needed to go.

She’s taken a ferry and time off work to come see me and help me when I needed a ride from a minor surgery because she didn’t want me to have to rely on someone whose presence stressed me out and came with strings attached. (I never even asked her to do this one - I’d told her I had a ride but she knew the emotional consequences for me even though I hadn’t brought it up.)

She’s taken the time to do something for me even though her plate is full and she is overwhelmed because she knew I was so anxious about the thing that needed done.

And even if it hasn’t been easy sometimes, she has weighed the importance and decided that it meant more to her to help me and it was a decision that was hers to make. She made the choice to inconvenience herself. And I’ve done the same.

It is so normal to inconvenience yourself for your loved ones at times. But I also hope this serves as a reminder that it is okay that YOU inconvenience your loved ones sometimes. It’s their decision and if they want to help, then that’s okay and their choice.

Because as someone who was inconvenienced at several times during this week, I made the decision to do it and I am so happy I did. It was worth it to me. She was worth every bit of it and I’d do it all over again and more.

[peanutpinet]

Hello!! I planned to check on your page in hopes to read some old/new fics and I was so glad I came across your recent one!! Thank you for that. I have a request for the mafia fics you make which are just *chef's kiss*

- Could you have Mark x female reader (same age, or the fem a bit younger) where they are both in a higher status who train the recruits and some of them disrespect the girl?

Please take your time- I know writing consistently can be hard (this is actually my second request and I can't wait for what more you have to bring!) Also I love that your fics are angsty but more fluffy which is what makes them great!!

Respect - Mafia! Mark Lee x Trainee! Fem Reader

A/N: hellow anon, I'm so sorry it took me eons to write this fic and am sorry if it didn't live up to your expectation but I hope you still find it enjoyable. I'm sorry to my fellow nctzens that I haven't been posting as well. Life happened and there's so much going around that has overwhelmed me but I'm slowly trying to work my way through the requests. I promise I'm trying to get your requests written!!

Also, your author went into the Love and Deepspace rabbit hole and well, you can probably guess who's my bias (cough*Sylus*cough). I had a thought of making a Jeno (Sylus) fic but we'll see if it'll come through the light of day but for now, I hope you enjoy my first-ever Mark fic on this blog.

Disclaimer: This is also part of the NCT mafia world/fic that I've created. The NCT members portrayed in this fic are not how they are irl. This is a work of FICTION!

Feedback is greatly appreciated!

Warnings: Mark being a mess, chaotic dreamies, mentions of drug, illegal drug selling, stuck-up annoying kid, no blood (for once in an NCT mafia fic), no torture (another surprise). NOT PROOFREAD!

ENJOY!!

“Hey Melk, don’t forget that you have to take charge of today’s recruits” Haechan shouted at what he likes to call, the ‘leader’ of dream

“You do know that I have a lot going around (literally irl as well, praying for Mark)?” Mark replied, as he was finishing some of the paperwork regarding the events from last weekend’s incident

“How’s Jisung holding up?” Mark asked whereas Haechan sighed seeing his hyung always taking care of his younger members rather than resting and taking care of his own health. “He’s doing fine. He actually got together with the girl which I’m not that surprised considering that he would always steal glances at her whenever he spotted her”

“Yo? Really? I never knew that he was close with the other recruits other than Eunji but I’m happy for him” Mark replied, still not looking away from the amount of paperwork

“Okay. That’s it” Haechan groaned and immediately yanked the paperwork away from Mark who was now yelling at him to give it back. “Lee Donghyuck!! Give it back, I swear if you rip it and make me redo the paperwork…”

“Relax, who said that I’m going to do that” Haechan scoffed right as the door to Mark’s office opened and revealed Jeno, Jaemin, and Renjun

“Yo Hyung, you looked really….” Jaemin was about to comment when Mark looked up to his younger members who stopped whatever comment they had and instead pitied their leader. “Really tired. Go take a break from all the paperwork, hyung. Just because you’re the leader of dream, doesn’t mean that you should shoulder all the burden on your own” Jaemin continued, taking pity of their leader and grabbed all the paperwork and folders that were scattered all over the desk

“Guys, I’m really fine. It’s not like I’ve never done this before” Mark tried to reason and his members took all the paperwork out of his reach

“Sure you have but we would prefer that you take care of your health for once. I’m going to let Doyoung and Taeyong-hyung that you need a break. When was the last time you had a proper break? Even Haechan got it” Renjun argued, taking his phone out and called Doyoung

Sighing, Mark leaned back on his chair whilst closing his eyes. “Guys, I promise you that I’m not overworking myself, it’s just that I honestly have no idea what to do even if I get the day off”

“Yea, I know, hyung. It’s getting out of hand. No, we need Taeyong-hyung. Okay, okay. Got it, hyung” Renjun got off the phone and Haechan asked if it was Doyoung-hyung. “Is it Doyoung-hyung? What did he say? Do I get the day off as well?”

Slapping Haechan, Renjun shook his head in annoyance. “Like hell you get the day off. You took a whole week off last month if you’ve forgotten about it. Taeyong-hyung is on his way”

Right as Renjun finished, they all heard a knock on the door and Jeno went to open the door to reveal Taeyong who looked like he just got back from a meeting with the fancy suit that he was wearing but his tie was slightly loose.

“Ehem, hyung, you might have gotten something around on your neck” Chenle teased as Taeyong wiped his neck to see a smear lip stain and brushed it off and went towards Mark

“Mark…” Taeyong called out to his younger member who was also a fellow leader

Looking up at his older hyung, Taeyong could see the dark circles that were under his eyes. Mark’s hair was clearly messy and his skin tone looked ashy. Sighing, Taeyong sat across Mark with his desk separating the two leaders. “Mark, you need to rest. I’m sorry I didn’t realise it sooner but I’ll ask the others to handle the paperwork that you were handling and you can have till the weekend off”

Widening his eyes, Mark shot up from his seat and placed his hands on the desk. “B-but Hyung, I swear I’m okay. Plus, I honestly don’t know what to do with my free time anyway. I just feel that just sleeping around would make me feel guilty. I swear I’ll take it easy”

“See, hyung. We think he completely lost it at this point” Haechan teased only to have Mark get up and smack the younger member

“Haechan, Mark” Taeyong mentioned and the two stopped bickering. “Mark, if you feel that you’re slacking off by taking a few days off then why don’t you help teach some classes? It’s been a while since you last taught a class because of your busy schedules”

“Right, there are some new recruits we’ve been eyeing to be part of the new sub-unit” Mark mentioned

Taeyong then slid the tab across the desk towards Mark who took it and looked through the schedules and recruits that they were training. He also had a look at who was the teaching assistant and his eye was caught on a girl. She was a year younger than him and was recruited around the same time as the 00 liners.

“(y/n)” Mark thought to himself

Of course, how could he have forgotten the girl who was impressive enough to be part of the same batch along with Jeno and Jaemin. She was so impressive that she managed to get to a rank just below the official NCT members. She was also the one that helped save Mark back during their early days as recruits when they had to spy on some influential conglomerate who was secretly corrupting their company’s money and was also cheating on their wife and kids.

“Hello?! Earth to Melk? Mork? Mek?” Haechan called out several times before Mark finally snaps back to reality

“H-huh? Sorry. It really has been a while since I’ve trained some recruits or even get into field exercises” Mark mentioned

Taeyong shook his head, chuckling as he got up from his seat. “Well, it’s a good time to get back into it, don’t you think?”

Taeyong patted Mark’s back as he headed towards the door and was about to leave but he stopped and turned to Mark and the dreamies. “By the way, Haechan, you’re not going to get any leaves for the next 4 months because you took a two whole weeks off in the past 2 months. Oh and Mark, be sure to look out for (y/n) and say hello to her for me”

As Taeyong left, the entire dream group went off with one conversation about how Haechan managed to sneak 2 weeks off and the other was teasing Mark about (y/n).

Time Skip to Training Month

The entire month, NCT would always conduct field lessons where the members would be divided into several groups, teach the new recruits of the actual field work then bring some of the new recruits at the end of the month with them for actual field work at where they can go hands on to what the members typically do while also learn where their strong skills are.

Mark was assigned to teach about spying and decoding some of the most basic conversation that could be a potential clue. Going into the class, the entire classroom seemed to still be wild yet he tried to get them to sit back down.

“Class? Yo guys?” Mark called out yet no one seemed to notice him which reminded him a lot of NCT Dream

Sighing, Mark was about to slam something to the desk when (y/n) and other teaching assistants came in, startling the entire classroom. “Attention everyone!” (y/n) shouted, the entire classroom sat down and Mark himself was slightly startled

One of the recruits even accidentally threw an object that was in their hand but Mark caught it right before it hit (y/n)’s face. “Alright, class. Welcome to this month’s field study about stealth and spying. I’ll be your main teacher, Mark. You can Mark me in your memory”

“Mr Mark, are you new here?” one of the recruits asked and Mark chuckled. “No, why?”

“Because it seems that you’re mistaken. Everyone here excels in the class and we’re only here for the action. So when are we going to go out for the real deal” the recruits joked around and (y/n) along with some of the higher ranks were about to stop them but Mark raised his hand, stopping them

“The real deal?” Mark chuckled, standing in front of the desk, putting both his arms on the desk behind him. “Alright then. If you want the real deal then tell me who the imposter is in this room. There’s someone in this room that’s not a recruit”

Immediately the entire classroom was a ruckus. Each of them questioned one another because while they were all recruits, they were all from different batches.

“Umm, sir, this can go on for the whole day if you don’t stop it” (y/n) mentioned as Mark turned to see the girl that he admired growing up to become a well-established woman in the group

“Hello? Mark?” (y/n) snapped her fingers in front of the NCT Dream’s leader’s face which snapped him back to reality. “Right, sorry”

Mark then walked away from the desk and headed to one of the groups that was having a heated conversation and pulled one of the “recruits’” jacket. “Haechan, I told you to stop sneaking in like this. Wait until I tell Taeyong about this”

Haechan who chuckly opened the hood of his hoodie just smiled at the tired Mark and waved at (y/n). “Hi (y/n). It’s been a while hasn’t it?” Haechan stated, skipping towards (y/n) who smiled but shook her head in disbelief. “Should’ve known that it was you, Haechan”

The entire class was in shock that another NCT member was in the room and no one recognised him at all. “Relax, I was just curious about the class you were teaching. Gosh, I knew Taeyong made sure that everyone out there didn’t know our identities but our own recruits not knowing who’s who?” Haechan chuckled, shaking his head as he walked towards the desk in front of the classroom. “Damn, either we’ve become desperate and recruited some unskillful people or they’re too spoiled and entitled to the point that they practically forgot what they’ve been taught, and well, from previous experience, it would be the latter”

Haechan was practically livid as he eyed the recruits. He knew some from training them a while back and he remembered a specific recruit that was so full of himself and one time even mistook his girlfriend for some silly new recruit and even nearly bullied her.

Haechan slowly walked toward one of the recruits, his gaze darkened and despite being around the same height as the recruit, he was still an NCT member. His aura screamed intimidating as if he had done so many bad things which sent the entire class silent. “Wouldn’t you say so, Nicholas?”

“Lee Haechan, I think that’s enough” Mark’s voice echoed through the classroom; it wasn’t a shout but rather a statement. The entire class could only watch two NCT members interact in silence. No one dared to talk to each other until Mark walked towards Haechan, his hand was on the younger member’s shoulder. “Haechan” Mark yanked the younger member and made him turn. “I said enough”

The two NCT members had a stare-off right as the bell rang. Sighing, Mark told the students to be prepared for the next lesson because he was going to bring them for a mini field assessment. “Alright, dismiss everyone”

One by one the students left the classroom along with some of the higher recruits and right as (y/n) was about to leave, Mark decided to ask her a favour. “Hey (y/n), I know that I might be asking a lot but would you mind sending me the entire background information of the students and an overview of what they’ve learned?”

“Sure thing. Anything else that you might need?” (y/n) asked, tilting her head which made Mark stutter a bit. “N-no, that’s all. Thanks (y/n). I appreciate it”

“No worries. I’ll umm, get going and get the things you need ready” (y/n) mentioned and left the classroom to just Mark and Haechan

“Haechan, what were you even trying to do with spying on the class? I didn’t even get to teach anything and…” Mark was starting to complain but Haechan’s serious tone cut him off. “Hyung. You should know that while I’m a prankster at times, I don’t really play around when it comes to work, and let me tell you, that kid, Nicholas, and his gang. There’s something not right about them. They thought my girlfriend was some new recruit and were about to bully her had Jeno not come and stop them”

Hearing Haechan be serious and explain this made Mark let out another long sigh and mess his hair up. “And? You kept an eye on them, right? What did you find, Haechan?”

Haechan looked down, clenching his hands into a fist. “Nothing out of the ordinary just yet but I’m warning you, Hyng. He’s not someone we should leave unwatched” Haechan mentioned as he left Mark in the classroom to think about what just happened.

Over the next course of 3 weeks, Mark has been teaching and training the recruits alongside the higher rankings like (y/n). Occasionally, some of the other members would come around and visit Mark’s lessons and even help teach some of the recruits as well.

By the end of the month, Taeyong had assigned fieldwork for each of the members and the class they were teaching. Mark announced to his class that they were assigned to handle some illegal drug-selling group that was in a college.

“Alright class. There’s a yearly sorority party going at a special location. It’s typically different every year, and the tracing class has already traced their location. Your job is to infiltrate the party and find whoever is selling and retrieving those drugs. Don’t get caught, watch each others’ back. We’ll be close by just in case anything goes wrong. You’ll be separated amongst different teams to infiltrate each party since there are several going around in the town they were assigned to.

Mark watched as the recruits were divided and (y/n) was assigned to be the main leader for the group that had Nicholas which even though throughout the past few weeks, Mark didn’t notice anything, he couldn’t help but feel something not sit right with him that he decided to talk with (y/n) right before her team headed out.

“Hey” Mark called out to (y/n) who turned and looked at Mark. “Oh, Mark, hi. What is it? Is there something wrong?” (y/n) asked

“N-no. Well, just wanted to make sure that you’re alright” Mark mentioned, scratching the back of his neck, making (y/n) chuckle. “I’m okay, Mark. Don’t worry about it. It’s not like they’re in kindergarten where they need to be constantly watched” (y/n) mentioned, making Mark laugh as well

“I know, I know. But you know, they’re still kids. They haven’t gone to the field like we have. This is a good opportunity for them to be exposed and for us to see how serious they are. Also to see who is easily manipulated or not” Mark mentioned, making the hair on the back of (y/n)’s neck stand up

“I, I know, Mark. I know what you mean. Since the incident with Eunji against of the entitled group, it has been part of the program where before their supposed ‘graduation’, they would be sent to the field to deal with real-life problems” (y/n) replied and Mark knew the incident she was talking about

“I know that incident too. Just, be careful alright? If anything happens, just call us” Mark mentioned as (y/n) nodded and left along with the rest of the group for the recruits’ annual field mission

Mark’s POV

It was a little past 1 am and almost 6 hours since the group left yet there really hadn’t been any major updates regarding the issue and I’m starting to grow worry. “Yo Hyung, are you working overtime again?” I heard Renjun mention, coming into my office

“Not exactly overtime if I’m waiting until the class has all come back” I mentioned as Renjun shook his head whereas the rest of the dreamies came into my office

“Are you sure you’re just waiting for the class or waiting for (y/n)?” Haechan teased which made me throw the nearest object towards him

“There’s nothing wrong with being worried about a fellow comrade. It’s quite normal. Especially if you have a crush on the person” Jeno followed along with the teasing

The members kept me company for a while until Haechan received a notification from his laptop that the final team, the one (y/n) is supervising was finally done with their task and were heading their way back to the headquarters.

The dreamies and I went towards our HQ’s vehicle building. By the time we arrived, the cars that (y/n) and her team used were already back but instead of hearing some encouraging words or complains about coming back late or something, we heard some arguments between several people.

Your POV

“You seriously going to report us about what we did? I mean we’ve been training at this place for who knows how damn long it has been since we were all brought here. We’re always monitored whenever we leave the base and the one time we get to go out and explore without being monitored, of course, you had to be the responsible one and ruined it” Nicholas complained

Scoffing, I crossed my arms and looked at Nicholas with a sharp gaze, no one else dared to speak up. “Ruined it?! You were the one acting like a brat. It’s as if this place is a prison and you can’t get any social interaction at all. More like, you can’t pull anyone in here so you decided to try and drug that girl at the party”

Nicholas was about to bark back at me but we were all shocked at the next few words that echoed through the place and heavy boots getting closer.

“You tried to do what?!” we heard Mark shout and as I turned around, I saw Mark along with the other Dream members making their way towards us

Instinctively, I lightly bowed at them and explained what happened. “We found who was selling the drugs and traced them back to an old man who was working together with one of the kids. Of course, we’ve handled the situation. We confiscated the drugs and the kids who were selling them then…” before I continued, Mark stopped me and made his way towards Nicholas

“We know what happened (y/n). You gave us constant updates and we already know who was the one actually selling the drugs and all” Haechan explained

“But not about someone, amongst our soon-to-be fresh grads wanting to use those drugs for…” Jeno mentioned but Mark continued. “Personal reasons”

Everyone was silent, I didn’t even dare to say anything. Dream are considered to be the more laid-back group but when it comes to their job, they don’t play around. Especially when it involves illegal things and their reputation being at stake. Yet, this is the first time I’ve seen Mark actually be this intimidating as the leader of NCT Dream.

“Explain yourself” Mark stated, his eyes filled with annoyance was bored into Nicholas’ scared ones. “Or would you like to be intimidated by DoJaeJung?”

Dojaejung, another sub-unit of NCT with Doyoung, Jaehyun, and Jungwoo. Though these 3 older NCT members seemed chill, Jungwoo is able to make you rat yourself, twisting your own words. Doyoung’s judging eyes and sharp words are also able to make you cower in fear. Finally, Jaehyun. He might seem the quietest and the one who could care less about anything. But if it involves his members, something that is against the foundation that he along with NCT built, it’s safe to say that you’re better off digging your own grave before facing him.

“N-no Mark, it was just…” Nicholas stuttered. “That’s sir to you. You don’t get to call me by my first name. Not at this very moment”

“Y-yes sir. I was saying that we never meant to harm anyone. We also didn’t harm anyone. We were curious and well we’ve been here practically for a long time and we just wanted to have fun had she not act like such an entitled person and…”

Without a warning, Mark punched Nicholas to the ground, causing me to gasp and cover my mouth Haechan chuckled then both Jeno and Jaemin each grabbed Nicholas’ arm, forcing him to look up at Mark. “You don’t get to say that about her. She’s doing her job. If she hadn’t been there to stop you. Graduating from here should be the least of your worries at this point. Once the whole of NCT finds out what you and some of you tried to pull out there which let me tell you from experience” Mark chuckled, his gaze was sharp

“Taeyong always knows everything. If you think you can think ahead and try to cover up whatever evidence you have. Taeyong will already have backups on backups. Evidence after evidence. Witnesses ready. If I were you, I’d start practicing begging to be spared. Now go back to your dorms. We’ll talk more about your stunt and give you a proper teaching of respect”

A/N: thank you once again for requesting this fic, anon and I hope you and everyone enjoyed reading this fic! Also if anyone also plays love and deepspace, hit me up :3

[lucky-clover-gazette]

kings rising highlights & annotations

chapter 2

(easily the most chaotic commentary i've done so far)

indented text is from the book. some quotes have commentary, some do not. some comments are serious, and some are definitely not. most of them will only make sense to people who have read the series. and, like, there are spoilers. so please read the books first if you're interested!

also: part of the reason i'm doing such a close reading is to study cs pacat's style, especially in terms of how she does romance and erotica. there are "craft notes" that might seem weird, like i'm being redundant or restating something rather than analyzing, but those are more things that i want to remember/take away from the writing!

i'm going to tag these longer posts with "sam reads capri" in case anyone wants to read them all at once.

this is a google doc i wrote with overall content warnings for the captive prince series. it's not perfect, but i do think it's important to include.

CHAPTER TWO

okay so this is the first of two laurent pov chapters we ever get, and it’s an intense torture/interrogation scene. this works SO well with the “laurent is in a different genre” bit. like the reader is not only getting his perspective, but the entire vibe just shifts. damen is a passing thought. this is a psychological thriller now, full stop, for this chapter. for the first time in the series, a first-time reader gets an idea that laurent is living a totally different flavor of reality than they’ve been reading. it’s genius to put this here and now, right before the reveal, as we’re scrambling to put everything together and hurting emotionally on damen’s behalf. like, fuck the emotions and romance, we’re doing a gritty torture scene. because that’s just how it is for laurent on this bitch of an earth, as a result of his own ridiculous choices and in general

Laurent woke slowly, in dim light, to the sensation of restriction, his hands tied behind his back. Throbbing at the base of his skull let him know he had been hit over the head. Something was also inconveniently and intrusively wrong with his shoulder. It was dislocated.

oh you know i’m annotating every little detail of this man’s internal narrative. for two scenes i get to be inside laurent’s brain and i am taking every opportunity to document things about his way of thinking that are outside of damen's perception. this is cs pacat allowing me to learn things about the way laurent's mind works, that can re-contextualize the entire rest of the series. i am calling these details, which i would not be able to ascertain if not for a single chapter being from laurent's pov, “cool laurent facts.”

cool laurent fact #1: laurent orients himself in a new situation first and foremost based on the current state of his own person—physical, mental, emotional—and his surroundings. from that, he uses inductive reasoning to understand what is going on.

inductive reasoning is a method of thought that typically goes from specific and limited observation to general conclusion. from what we know of laurent, the idea of him using inductive reasoning on a regular basis makes a lot of sense. laurent might be "mr. probably" who does random insane shit, but the truth is that laurent thinks through almost all of his random insane shit before he does it. the exceptions to this are almost always narratively significant, and they happen when laurent's emotions overwhelm his ability to reason things through at all.

so, like, in this quote: "throbbing at the base of his skull let him know he had been hit over the head." the observation is the physical pain, specifically at the base of his skull. the conclusion is that he was hit in the head. it's a reasonable general conclusion, even if it could potentially be correct.

then we have "something was also inconveniently and intrusively wrong with his shoulder. it was dislocated." observation: shoulder is not working as intended, and in fact is so dysfunctional that it's intrusive. conclusion: it's dislocated.

the entire time, as laurent is thinking these things, he isn't actually DOING anything. and this, i think, is what tends to drive damen (and the attentive reader) insane, because with the exception of these alternate pov chapters, we don't actually get to live in laurent's head. while we know that laurent is thinking things through almost all of the time, our confusion comes with the fact that we can't even begin to guess WHAT laurent is thinking. and since laurent thinks before he acts, we are usually forced to reverse-engineer how the fuck he got to the conclusion AFTER the resulting action has actually been taken. and that is exactly why my annotations about laurent are the way they are in the first place.

so what happens when laurent gets it wrong? because laurent's observations are ultimately limited, and he prefers to come to a conclusion before acting, any flawed conclusions he makes can lead to immense miscalculations. to someone like damen, these miscalculations are both frustrating and avoidable, because damen is much more likely to use deductive reasoning instead.

deductive reasoning uses pre-existing general premises to come to specific conclusions. we see it a lot in damen's pov, in which the things he "knows" about the world are what often inform the action he takes. these aren't personal and specific ideas, but extant generalized theories and conclusions, which are then either proven correct or incorrect once tested. in general, this means that damen tends to act first and think second—the opposite of laurent. it's pretty obvious how this can be to damen's detriment, especially since we read the series almost entirely in his pov. a good overarching example of his deductive reasoning is the way his perspective on akielion slavery shifts throughout the series. he starts out in book 1 believing that there is honor in submission, slavery is a pact, slaves are consenting, and all slave owners uphold standards of "decency" just as he himself does. but then as damen interacts more with the world of slaves and pets, and is made a slave himself, he realizes that those conclusions were incorrect. then he assumes a new conclusion—slavery is an irredeemable institution—and acts based on that instead.

the strength of damen's deductive reasoning, compared to laurent's inductive reasoning, is the adaptability it allows. damen gets shit done when it needs to be done. he might get it done in a way that's messy or artless, lacking all of the pertinent details to do it perfectly, but his ability to apply a theory to a situation and then play it out is a great counterpoint to laurent's general approach, in which things are overthought so thoroughly that action is not taken in a timely or responsive manner. like, we literally see that in the wall grate scene in prince's gambit, which is then referenced again while they're discussing war strategy.

of course, this isn't to say that laurent's inductive reasoning isn't also adaptable. he can adapt to a situation by thinking really hard about it, drawing a conclusion, and then making his move. it's just distinctively different to read that kind of internal process from him as a pov character, compared to damen's typical way of thinking. it's part of this genre shift, i think, because it's so stressful and meticulous. this is thriller/crime/mystery genre thinking, not romance novel or war/action novel thinking. we have gone from a pov character who is like 70% impulse-driven, to a character who in his right mind wouldn't even consider following an impulse unless it was thoroughly thought through, at which point it would fail to be an impulse at all. damen is built to be a romantic lead and action hero. i can't really think of literary examples because i don't read a lot of romance and action books, but idk, disney's hercules or adora from she-ra come to mind. meanwhile laurent is built to be in a gillian flynn or [insert more niche thriller authors i enjoy] novel.

all that is to say, this isn't damen's mind anymore, and we know it from the first few sentences of the chapter. if this chapter was being experienced by damen instead, i think the opening would go something like this: "damen woke to the sensation of restriction and immediately fought against his restraints. he was not able to free himself. he also realized, in his attempt and failure to free himself, that his shoulder was dislocated."

it seems like a minor difference, and maybe it is. but i find it fun to contrast the narrative perspectives of these two fascinating characters, and i like making my own observations and conclusions. i started my annotations back in books 1 and 2 with mostly inductive reasoning, making theories from my observations, but farther into book 2 and definitely in book 3 i can now use deductive reasoning to draw conclusions about characters and events using pre-existing theories. if i'm wrong, i adjust the theory, and that adjusted theory becomes the basis through which i interpret future events. and so on. the two types of thought work beautifully together, and ideally we should all be able to use both. that's part of why damen and laurent are able to help each other grow so much as people and leaders—they're balancing each other out by mutual exposure to opposing ways of thinking.

also, another little note on this specific passage: i love laurent's snarky dismissive attitude towards his own pain, and the hint of dissociation from his physical form. i would guess that laurent thinks in a similar way about pleasurable physical sensations, too: "something was inconveniently and distractingly happening with his body. he was aroused." fuckin weirdo <3

As his lashes fluttered and his body stirred, he became hazily aware of a stale odour, and a chilled temperature that suggested that he was underground. His intellect made increasing sense of this: there had been an ambush, he was underground, and since his body didn’t feel as if it had been transported for days, that meant— He opened his eyes and met the flat-nosed stare of Govart.

i love when i predict/analyze something in detail and then it’s immediately proven correct by the following lines. laurent going on this whole inductive mind journey before realizing that govart is LITERALLY IN HIS FACE is sooooo laurent, and so NOT damen. like forget what i said before, if this was damen's pov, the chapter would simply start with "govart stared at damen."

again, this is a great way to immediately let the reader know that things are going to be different from this pov. yes yes yes yes

Panic spiked his pulse, an involuntary reaction, his blood beating against the inside of his skin like it was trapped. Very carefully, he made himself do nothing.

yeah i have a feeling the sex scenes from laurent’s pov would read a lot like this too

The cell itself was about twelve feet square, and had an entrance of bars but no windows. Beyond the door there was a flickering stone passageway. The flickering came from a torch on that side of the bars, not from the fact that he had been hit over the head. There was nothing inside the cell except the chair he was tied to.

he’s just like me fr, both in real life and how i figure things out while writing/playing d&d (“what are the environmental features, and what do they imply?” “what items can be used, and how?” etc.)

He was hit by the memory of what had happened to his men, and put that, with effort, out of his mind.

cool laurent fact #2: it takes effort for him to put aside his concern for the well-being of people he cares about. this is not what most people would assume, based on how he acts and speaks

He understood that he faced his death, before which would come a long, painful interval.

observation: he’s in a prison cell with govart specifically conclusion: he’s going to be killed, but also tortured for a whiiiiile first because govart hates him so bad

maybe that's redundant, but i just appreciate how his pov really is written like an analysis within itself. it's great. he's an observer of his own story, as well as a participant. damen doesn't usually think from such a detached angle

A ludicrous boyish hope flared that someone would come to help him, and, carefully, he extinguished it.

cool laurent fact #3: sometimes, he hopes. it takes effort for him to extinguish hope within himself (“carefully”), but he believes that doing so is necessary in order to assess circumstances like a rational adult. but still, he does hope.

in just this one sentence, we are told so much. we now know that laurent believes that hope is inherently irrational and childish, which absolutely tracks with the other things we know about his character. we can see it in his choices throughout the series so far, and we can understand exactly why he believes this based on his backstory.

Since the age of thirteen, there had been no rescuer, for his brother was dead.

as i was saying, about laurent's backstory,

also. damen exists. he literally threw a sword at a guy trying to kill you in the last book. laurent you are so smart and you are so stupid and i can’t imagine your pov being written any other way

He wondered if it was going to be possible to salvage some dignity in this situation, and cancelled that thought as soon as it came. This was not going to be dignified.

in almost every instance where someone has been given the opportunity to assault or objectify laurent in a sexual context, they’ve taken it. damen is basically the only living exception.

deduction: laurent cannot get out of this situation without being assaulted, so there's no point in trying to salvage his dignity

BUT like, unless i am completely missing something entirely between the lines, govart doesn't even attempt to sexually assault laurent in this scene. maybe that's not what laurent means here, in terms of dignity? curious what people think about this. because like on first read especially, my immediate thought when this scene started was "oh fuck am i going to have to sit through a scene of laurent being sexually assaulted", since everyone (including govart) talks so much about wanting a piece of him. so i guess it's like, was laurent thinking about that here, or was it just me? curious what others think too

also "cancelled that thought" is just slightly anachronistic, and PERFECT. love it.

He thought that if things got very bad, it was within his capabilities to precipitate the end. Govart would not be difficult to provoke into lethal violence. At all.

“if i’m going to die, i’d rather be in control of the dying. and i know i could totally piss this dude off into killing me before he means to do so, and then i would technically win. ha-ha.”

i love the slight hint of childish antagonism here, with the “at all.” like laurent needs to take the moment to roast govart in his own head, while considering the logistics of his own imminent death. it is so funny to me that we finally get this scene, where laurent gets to be in the genre he's been living for the past two books, but no one actually relevant to the story gets to witness it for themselves. laurent is moonlighting in this scene as a character in a book that isn't this book at all. he's taking a break from the romance and realism-based war strategy shit to be an out-of-his-depths thriller protagonist taking on antagonists that should absolutely be able to defeat him immediately, but somehow managing to survive by absurd unconventional means AND being snarky about it. damen has seen hints of this side of laurent, and paid attention, and so have we as the reader. but this is just… full-intensity. the narrative is allowing him to have it, and allowing us to see him have it. it’s like we’ve been only watching the a-plots of phineas and ferb episodes the whole time, and assumed that perry is probably doing some cool stuff in the b-plot, and gotten a few glimpses via dramatic irony… but now we actually get to see the perry b-plot, and it's fucking awesome. but the a-plot cast will still never know.

The chair, made of heavy oak, appeared to have been dragged in for his benefit, which was civilised or sinister, depending on how one looked at it.

yeah this is the internal monologue of a person who grew up reading books more than talking to people. just being witty in the prose of his own brain for funsies

He thought that Auguste would not be afraid, being alone and vulnerable to a man who planned to kill him; it should not trouble his younger brother.

of course there’s the damen of it all, but i also like how this sentence suggests just how often laurent really does think about auguste. looking back at past scenes and imagining laurent having auguste constantly on the mind really adds a new dimension of tragedy to his existence, and further depth to his initially hateful and eventually conflicting feelings for damen. we could have assumed this without seeing laurent's pov, but it's nice to see hints in the text.

It was harder to let go of the battle, to leave his plans at their midway point, to accept that the deadline had come and gone, and that whatever now happened on the border, he would not be a part of it.

yeah forget about my entire breakdown last chapter bc i didn’t want to assume laurent meant to be there and end up disappointed. he meant to be there. good job laurent

The Akielon slave would (of course) assume treachery on the part of the Veretian forces, after which he would launch some sort of noble and suicidal attack at Charcy that he would probably win, against ridiculous odds.

1) laurent refusing to use damen’s name in HIS OWN HEAD is so fucking funny

2) “(of course)” cool laurent fact #3: he thinks everyone is probably going to assume the worst of him the majority of the time, including damen. cool laurent fact #4: he thinks in parentheticals, which makes sense

3) i like how in the same sentence where laurent is trying to distance himself from damen with the name thing, he also admits that 1) he knows damen is a good and noble enough person to fight, and 2) he (laurent) knows that damen is going to win, and is therefore not overly concerned. which means he would be concerned if he thought damen couldn’t win. probably for the best tbh laurent has a lot on his plate already

4) talk about ridiculous odds, laurent, you literally kill someone with a chair in this chapter

One on one: he must think about what he could practically achieve.

me trying to do The Tasks with adhd

Fighting free of his bonds at this moment would accomplish, precisely, nothing. He told himself that: once; then again, to quell a deep, basic urge to struggle.

i like how this is put. i can imagine laurent talking to himself in his head throughout a lot of the series. he separates his base human urges from his rational mind and then uses the latter to placate the former. as long as he can manage to keep reason in control of emotion, this is effective. but when he can’t manage it… lol

also “accomplish, precisely, nothing” is great. he didn’t need to throw the “precisely” in there, it probably just made him feel wittier. even inside his own head to an audience of himself (that he knows of), laurent has to quip

‘We’re alone,’ Govart said. ‘Just you and me. Look around. Take a good look. There’s no way out. Not even I have a key. They come to open the cell when I’m done with you. What do you have to say to that?’ ‘How’s your shoulder?’ said Laurent.

i don’t want to be redundant, but i really am just delighted by this genre dissonance. i’m trying to read more of the romance genre, that's what brought me to capri, but THIS is the shit i'm used to.

The blow rocked him back. When he lifted his head, he enjoyed the look he had provoked on Govart’s face, as he had enjoyed, for the same reason—if a bit masochistically—the blow.

cool laurent fact #5: if the bit is good enough he’ll take the subsequent pain. hell, he’ll even enjoy it

god i want to read a thriller novel with laurent as the protagonist SO BAD. i think if pacat ever writes capri again she should do that, and have damen like. kidnapped. it’s not indulgent romance fluff like summer palace, it’s laurent doing badass chaotic hero shit trying to find his fucking wife

He forced himself to keep his voice steady.

i wonder how many times he thought this throughout the series. probably many

‘I think you have one piece of leverage over a very powerful man. I think whatever it is you have on him, it’s not going to last forever.’

context, as i recall: govart knows that the regent had his brother killed, i think? and he has the evidence to substantiate that claim if it was ever made. laurent pieces this together with guion, somehow, offscreen at the end of this chapter. or maybe he finds out later from loyse? but i feel like laurent is more proactive than that

‘Want me to tell you why you’re here? Because I asked him for you. He gives me what I want. He gives me whatever I want. Even his untouchable nephew.’

again, i'm kinda shocked that govart doesn’t actually try to do anything sexual with laurent here. i mean i'm glad that he doesn't, but also this quote makes it sound like that’s why govart asked in the first place. maybe it was just for violent revenge though, and humiliation?

also, like, how exactly did laurent get here? sounds like his forces were expected and overpowered at the fort, right? and he just kinda… got handed off to govart, under the regent’s blessing and guion’s supervision?

'At some point one of us will dispatch the other.’ He made himself speak without undue emotion, just a mild remark on the facts.

probably not surviving this, nbd (but still actively putting effort into regulating his emotions so he can survive)

digging into this more: i personally have this thing where my response to seemingly insurmountable odds, especially emotional ones, tends to be “once i’ve survived this, how will i explain how i did it?”

this whole approach is demonstrated really well in the masterpiece of a doctor who episode “heaven sent." it's first and foremost a meditation on persistence and grief, which are two themes very relevant to laurent's overall story. laurent’s approach to withstanding torture in this chapter, as well as his manner of survival after auguste's death, remind me a lot of "heaven sent" and my own personal methodology. fuck it, here are some laurent-coded "heaven sent" quotes, as a treat:

"The first rule of being interrogated is that you are the only irreplaceable person in the torture chamber. The room is yours, so work it. If they're going to threaten you with death, show them who's boss. Die faster."

"Rule one of dying: don’t. Rule two: slow down. You’ve got the rest of your life. The faster you think, the slower it will pass. Concentrate. Assume you’re going to survive. Always assume that. Imagine you’ve already survived. There’s a storeroom in your mind. Lock the door and think. This is my storeroom. I always imagine that I’m [here]… showing off. Telling you how I escaped—making you laugh. That’s what I’m doing right now. I am falling. I’m dying. And I’m going to explain to you how I survived. Can’t wait to hear what I say."

"I'm going to get out of here and find whoever put me here in the first place. And whatever they're trying to do, I'm going to stop it. Which might take a little while, so do you want me to tell you a story? The Brothers Grimm… according to them, there was this emperor, and he asks this shepherd's boy, ‘How many seconds in eternity?’ And the shepherd's boy says, "There's this mountain of pure diamond. It takes an hour to climb it, and an hour to go around it. Every hundred years, a little bird comes and sharpens its beak on the diamond mountain. And when the entire mountain is chiseled away, the first second of eternity will have passed!’ You must think that's a hell of a long time… personally, I think that's a hell of a bird."

it's the small victories, right? laurent can't exactly conceive of an eternity of grief like the endlessly-regenerating doctor, but those seven long years without auguste in vere must have felt like a torture chamber of their own. and, of course, there's this actual torture chamber, which laurent escapes thanks to his insane reckless persistence. what i mean to say is, laurent of vere is a hell of a bird :) i'm glad we get to spend some time in his head.

'If you kill me, whatever it is that you have on him isn’t going to matter. It will just be you and him, and he’ll be free to disappear you into a dark cell too.’ Govart smiled, slowly. ‘He said you’d say that.’

girl that doesn’t make it untrue are you stupid (yes)

‘He said, “The only way to make sure my nephew doesn’t talk his way free is to cut his tongue out.”’ As he spoke, Govart pulled out a knife. The room around Laurent greyed; his whole attention narrowed, his thoughts attenuating.

yeah, this WOULD be the thing that scares him most. last time when he was gagged, it was technically part of his plan. this would be basically a death sentence, because laurent knows that his words are what keep him alive

‘Except that you want to hear it,’ said Laurent, because this was only beginning, and it was a long, winding, bloody road till the end. ‘You want to hear all of it. Every last broken syllable. It’s the one thing my uncle never understood about you.’ ‘Yeah? What’s that?’ ‘You always wanted to be on the other side of the door,’ said Laurent. ‘And now you are.’

“you are a messy bitch who lives for drama. and i AM the drama.”

basically, laurent buys himself more time 1) being alive and 2) keeping his tongue by essentially volunteering to have information tortured out of him. this is actually a pretty classic laurent move—remember all the way back in book 1 annotations, when i brought up this quote from sharp objects by gillian flynn?

"Sometimes if you let people do things to you, you’re really doing it to them… know what I mean? If someone wants to do fucked-up things to you, and you let them, you’re making them more fucked up. Then you have the control. As long as you don’t go crazy."

By the end of the first hour (though it felt longer), he was in quite a lot of pain, and was losing touch with how much, if at all, he was delaying or controlling what was happening.

you know for all of laurent’s comments about damen valuing honor and fair play and Doing The Right Thing, he really has no idea that damen would see this happening and immediately murder everyone involved in getting laurent into this situation

His tongue was intact, because the knife was in his shoulder. He had accounted that a victory, when it had happened. You had to take pleasure in small victories. The hilt of the knife protruded at an odd angle. It was in his right shoulder, already dislocated, so that breathing was now painful. Victories.

love this use of a previous laurent-ism. god he’s made for this kind of situation why is this man in a romance novel (i’m happy he’s in a romance novel if that’s not clear, he shouldn’t have to be in these situations even if it’s entertaining and compelling and badass. being loved is harder for laurent to process than being tortured and that means he’s in the right genre to truly challenge his character into growth and catharsis)

He had come this far, he had caused his uncle some small consternation, had checked him, once or twice, forced him to remake his plans. Had not made it easy.

these sound an awful lot like dying words. the fact that this is the consolation prize laurent gives himself upon imminent death—that he’s won against his uncle a few times—almost feels like a subversion of a heroic martyr. i’m not big on martyrdom, so i almost think it’s more satisfying for laurent to die telling himself he’s Won against someone who’s hurt him, than telling himself he’s dying to save people who love him and still want him around. admittedly he does have that kind of martyr moment later, when he hands himself over at the end of book 3, but... does he even fully mean to die then? i know he has loyse’s testimony in his back pocket. is his intention still to survive, even then, or is he just satisfied that loyse could potentially bring down the regent once he's gone? idk, it just doesn't feel quite right for laurent just to give up his life completely, even if that's how damen interprets it. even then, i think he'd still have the intention to somehow survive, or at least Win against his enemies. laurent isn’t dying for anyone’s sins—if he’s going to die, he’s taking the sinners down with him, and probably counts himself among them.

i'll make sure to revisit this when the time comes.

His only advantage was that he had managed to free his left hand from its bonds.

personal tangent but this reminds me of the time my level 1 sorcerer was arrested in dungeons and dragons and she shoved her hand up her sleeve and replaced it with a mage hand, so it looked like she was handcuffed for her trial but actually wasn’t. and then she used the real hand to flip off the council running the trial and escape. she and laurent would get along

Because it was impossible to hear anything, he reasoned—or had reasoned, when more detached—that whoever had put him in here with Govart would return with a wheelbarrow and sack to take him out, and that this would happen at a prearranged time, since there was no way for Govart to signal. He therefore had a single goal, like moving towards a retreating mirage: to reach that point alive.

not him waiting for his corpse uber… and someone pushing the wheelbarrow who he can turn against govart. i like how laurent seems to have already made this plan, but this is the first time we hear of it. even in his pov we aren’t getting every single thing in his head

Guion’s voice. ‘This is taking too long.’

BOOOO TOMATO TOMATO

His voice was a little hoarser than it had been starting out; his response to pain had been conventional.

“his response to pain had been conventional” god he is so fucking funny.

laurent, rolling his eyes as he swirls the glass of water he’s using to swallow the maximum safe dose of ibuprofen: “my physical human reaction to torture is just so… banal”

Laurent closed his eyes, wrapped his unsteady left hand around the hilt, and pulled the knife out of his shoulder.

i’m listening to an instrumental music playlist right now and an acoustic cover of lady gaga and ariana grande’s “rain on me” came on the second laurent ripped out the knife

The hilt of the knife was slippery.

love how this doesn’t say “with blood,” because it doesn’t have to. also i took a quick break from reading and now there is an instrumental cover of “death of a bachelor” by panic! at the disco playing, which is rather appropriate for this scene

As, with his ruined right arm, Laurent swung the chair. The heavy oak hit Govart in the ear, with the sound of a mallet striking a wooden ball. Govart staggered and went down.

LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

Laurent focused all his remaining strength on the task of reaching the barred door and placing himself on the other side of it, dragging it closed behind him and turning the key that was still in the lock. Govart didn’t get up.

laurent, facing certain death and defeat, used the chair he had been tied to and tortured in to murder and imprison his two captors respectively. kind of a shame he doesn’t end up killing the regent with a bed for similar poetic justice (not really, i think the regent’s death is perfect)

In the stillness that followed, Laurent found his way from the bars, to the open corridor, to the opposite wall, which he slid down, finding at the midway point that there was a wooden bench, which took his weight. He had expected the floor.

i love this image so much—wait is this. it is. ladies and gentlemen and others, this is LAURENT LEAN #12!!!!

He did laugh then, a breathless sound, with the sweet, cool feel of the stone at his back. His head lolled.

snarky action hero laurent i love you so very much. sorry about the torture tho

‘Guion,’ said Laurent, without opening his eyes. ‘You had me tied up and locked in a room with Govart. Do you think name-calling will hurt my feelings?’

see previous comment

‘Let me out!’ The words ricocheted off the walls. ‘I tried that,’ said Laurent, calmly. Guion said, ‘I’ll give you anything you want.’ ‘I tried that too,’ said Laurent. ‘I don’t like to think of myself as predictable. But apparently I cycle through all the usual responses. Shall I tell you what you’re going to do when I stick the knife in for the first time?’

it took me a second to understand what’s being said here. i got briefly stuck on “i tried that,” but looking back on previous dialogue and the rest of what laurent says here, i think it’s something like this:

guion: let me out laurent: yeah i asked for that too when faced with imprisonment and torture guion: i’ll give you what you want laurent: i also tried that. damn if you’re saying all the same stuff i did, maybe i’m more of a basic bitch than i thought. well hey if we’re the same i can tell you how you’ll react when i torture you, just how i reacted when govart tortured me (i am threatening you)

‘You know, I wanted a weapon,’ said Laurent. ‘I wasn’t expecting one to walk into my cell.’

okay now he’s just congratulating himself. earned

‘You’re a dead man when you walk out of here. Your Akielon allies aren’t going to help you. You left them to die like rats in a trap at Charcy. They’ll hunt you down,’ said Guion, ‘and kill you.’ ‘Yes, I’m aware that I have missed my rendezvous,’ said Laurent.

every line he says is a banger. this is the verbal equivalent of wearing sunglasses and walking away from an explosion

‘There was a man I was supposed to meet. He’s got all these ideas about honour and fair play, and he tries to keep me from doing the wrong thing. But he’s not here right now. Unfortunately for you.’

THIS LINE FUCKS

and i love that this is how he regards damen. i love that he calls him a man, and not a slave. i love that it's "he TRIES to keep me from doing the wrong thing," because laurent would never give damen the satisfaction of completely taking control (except during sex, but we'll talk about that later). overall, i love how the entire phrasing is just the tiniest bit admiring and endeared, even though laurent is simultaneously insulting damen's integrity (a quality that we know DAMN WELL laurent admires deeply).

and hey!! cool laurent fact #6: he is totally aware of how down bad damen is, and the way damen has willingly taken the role of his (laurent’s) evil impulse control. and laurent doesn’t seem to particularly hate that, or even resist it, at this point in the series. this makes early to mid book 3 even funnier, in which laurent antagonizes damen and his friends (mostly nik) cartoonishly while KNOWING that damen honors him and feels guilty for lying, so therefore tolerates and even defends laurent's petty bullshit at his own and also nik's expense. just because damen cares about fair play, doesn't mean that his ideas about fairness are like… rational. or sane. and laurent knows that damen's thoughts upon his return and dramatic reveal are probably going to be along the lines of "i lied to laurent and also i murdered his brother, so it's technically not wrong for him to lash out."

i'm looking forward to the future of their dynamic, without those giant lies and power imbalances between them. i don't even mind the "angst" of laurent being a petty bitch in the next few chapters, because we know he's being a stubborn idiot and it can only last so long before he breaks, and he doesn't have power over damen to actually abuse. while laurent previously held socially-reinforced authority over damen, they're about to find themselves on even footing. therefore it IS fair play for them to be freaks to each other, and i think a part of laurent is looking forward to that too. like he'll probably figure out his shit with damen, maybe, eventually. he knows damen will try his best to make laurent do the right thing, and laurent will most likely let him win. but he is also going to be a dramatic bitch about it first. as long as he survives.

needless to say, guion does not stand a chance.

‘Isn’t there? I wonder how my uncle is going to react when he finds out that you killed Govart and helped me to escape.’ And then, in the same dreamy voice, ‘Do you think he’ll hurt your family?’ Guion’s hands were fists, like he still had them wrapped around bars. ‘I didn’t help you escape.’ ‘Didn’t you? I don’t know how these rumours get started.’

>:)

Laurent regarded him through the bars. He was aware of the return of his critical faculties, in place of which up to now had been the tenacious adherence to a single idea. ‘Here’s what has become painfully clear. My uncle instructed that if you captured me, you were to let Govart have me, which was a tactical blunder, but my uncle had his hands tied, thanks to his private arrangement with Govart. Or maybe he just liked the idea. You agreed to do his bidding. ‘Torturing the heir to death wasn’t an act you wanted attached to your own name, however. I’m not certain why. I can only surmise, despite a truly staggering array of evidence to the contrary, that there is still some rationality left on the Council. I was put in an empty set of cells, and you came with the key yourself, because no one else knows I’m here.’ Pressing his left hand to his shoulder, he pushed away from the wall and came forward. Guion, inside the cell, was breathing shallowly. ‘No one knows I’m here. Which means no one knows you’re here. No one’s going to look, no one’s going to come, no one’s going to find you.’ His voice was steady as he held Guion’s gaze through the bars. ‘No one’s going to help your family when my uncle comes, all smiles.’ He could see Guion’s pinched expression, the tightness in his jaw and around his eyes. He waited. It came in a different voice, with a different expression, flatly. ‘What do you want?’ said Guion.

1) the complex inductive reasoning is back! laurent is going to be just fine

2) laurent just unpacked guion’s plan exactly how i’ve been attempting to unpack laurent’s bullshit in my annotations for the past 2+ books. except mine are much more bewildered, and oftten inaccurate. but that's all a part of the fun. i appreciate the small victories of occasionally getting it right ;)

[bajablasterrr]

Who You Gonna Call?

Chapter 1: Something Strange DC x DP Fic based off this post

Warnings: Major Character Death, Strong Language, Depictions of Violence

Rating: Mature

Author’s Note: For those who have been waiting for forever I apologize for how long it took me to crank out this one chapter this is my first time writing a Fic so any constructive criticism helps, also thank you soo much for the support ❤️. Update On Chapter 2 of “Who You Gonna Call?” It’s knots done jut need to finish a few final touches should be posted by Friday of Next Week

When you think about it, peace will never be the outcome. Not for him, not anymore.

Not while his Parents lay dead at his feet, not while his sister sobbed helplessly; never again will Danny Fenton ever know a peaceful life.

But he’s okay with that; he’s come to terms with how things stood and knew there wasn’t much left to figure out besides where he will go now.

He never thought he’d have to plan a life without his parents, never suspected that this family vacation would be the last.

Nor did he expect his sister to go from “Annoying Older Sibling.” To “My Only Living Family Member.” in less than a day.

This was inevitable with his line of work, but he never expected his life to be this crazy, at least not so soon.

For him, being half ghost used to feel like a gift, something he could use to help the people he cared about the most. Now it was a curse, a cancerous infection slowly seeping into everything he held close.

Because of his “gift.” everyone and everything he knew was gone, replaced by this empty confusing nothingness, all their hopes and dreams for him nothing more than lost memories.

His parents were gone, taken from him in some brutal twist of fate by some psychopathic clown they call “The Joker.” to be completely honest, Danny was feeling anger beyond rational thought every time he thought about him.

And the worst part about this was that everything everything that happened was all a ploy, some sort of elaborate trick to lure Batman to his hideout, and The Fenton’s were nothing more than pawns in The Joker’s scheme to kill him.

Not only did he kill his parents, but he did it with a smile as he made Danny watch, laughing at his suffering until he got what he wanted.

Danny was taken to the police station and asked to state what he experienced while begging held hostage by the Joker, but all he could do was stare blankly at the wall.

As he got interviewed by the police, news anchors, and other journalists, all he could think about was how he everyone down. His frustration was building up under the surface, and he felt sick.

“How could I let this happen.” he thought. 

His mind raced, his fingers felt numb, his chest heaved as if something was blocking his airway, and he felt like everything around him was closing in. The walls began to spin, and he could feel his throat closing up, tears welling in his eyes.

Jazz noticed his strange behaviour and tried her best to get him to calm him down, but the panic had already set in.

They were alone, he let this happen, and there was nothing he could do to fix this. Nothing at all

Dozens of forced statements later, Danny was drained.

Despite being the “Hero.” he was, he couldn’t help but feel so incredibly useless. They kept asking him the same questions repeatedly until the words melted into nothingness, his brain felt like swiss cheese, and he thought he would pass out at any second.

Jazz had to handle all of the legal proceedings, taking her parent’s estate, medical bills, funeral expenses, and everything else; She was overwhelmed, to say the least.

She had no idea what to do once they were done with the police, they had nowhere to go, and beyond that, they had nobody to help them.

Her head was swimming, and for a split second, she broke; Danny noticed his sister sobbing and went in to hug her.

“I’m sorry this happened, Jazz, really I am. I wish I could trade my life for theirs; I would,” he said, tears streaming down his face.

“Hey, I know this everything is so crazy, but don’t blame yourself for what happened. There’s nothing more you could’ve done, okay?” she replied, rubbing his head to soothe him.

“but I let everyone down. I’m the reason they’re dead; if I don’t do something to avenge them, then-” he said rapidly, beginning to panic again.

“Enough, no more vengeance, no more self-blame. You’re just a kid. Nobody should’ve put that responsibility on you-.” she tried to explain, reaching out to touch his shoulder.

“That doesn’t matter anymore, Jazz. I’m not a kid anymore; I think I need to go for a walk and clear my head,” he said, pushing her off his and heading towards the door.

Jazz called out for him, but he was gone before she could get a word out.

As he walked the streets of Gotham City, he felt angry; at the world and at himself; he even felt anger towards his parents for suggesting this stupid trip. He wanted nothing more than to change the way things are right now, be somewhere different, and do something right for once.

He didn’t know what to do with himself; he walked around aimlessly for what felt like hours, looking for something, anything to do. He needed someone save; he wanted something to fight, anything in the world that would take his mind off things for a second.

all of a sudden, a blue mist leaves his mouth

“Finally.” he thought to himself

He changed into his ghost form quickly, and he waited. The tension in the air is thick, and he slowly looks around, hoping to see whatever is watching him.

“Don’t you know this place isn’t safe after dark?”

Danny looked around, trying to see where the voice came from,

“If I were you, I’d just turn around and head back home.”

“And why should I listen to you, wise and powerful shadow man?” Danny replied sarcastically

suddenly, he saw something jump from the fire escape down to the ground in front of him. He didn’t expect him to make that fall, let alone get up that easily.

He stood there frozen as the figure approached him, wearing a red helmet, a leather jacket, black pants, and a shirt with a red bat.

“I’ve heard of you before; you’re Red Hood, right?” Danny asked nonchalantly, trying to cut the tension of the situation

“In the flesh, and you’re that ghost kid “Phantom.” right?” he replied as he stepped closer to Danny, cornering him into a wall.

“Uh, Yep, in the flesh.” He said with a nervous chuckle

Danny was terrified; after the last couple of days he’s had, he didn’t want to take any chances with any more of the heroes or villains in Gotham.

Red Hood had him backed to a wall, his hand on the right side of Danny’s face.

“What’s your deal anyways, ghost boy? You want to run around being a vigilante, too?” he said, leaning in. 

“I-I’ve been a vigilante since the 9th grade,” he stuttered. “And for the record, I don’t need your permission to do anything, so why would you expect me to ask for it?.”

“Because if you don’t, I get to kick your ass and have you arrested for breaking curfew.” He replied

Danny chucked, “finally.”, he thought, “a reason to punch someone in the face.”

“respectfully, I’d like to see you try,” he said, cockiness radiating from his voice.

“fine, it is your funeral.”

@blackrabbitt3t @nedwec @blackstar-gazer @baykitthings @real-danny-phantom @hungrymentor @the-lokes @dizzydreamerzzz @phantom-phrases @sheep567 @lenoryt13 @theauthorandtheartist

@phantomskeep @arc-777 @dreamingasters @betinaplayingwriter @zeldomnyo @jaguarthecat @the-gay-florist @reinluna @gabrielandjackthenephilim @icepopstar5105us @skulld3mort-1fan

@batbootie @that-random-fangirl@cyber-geist@dat1angel@undead-essence@distractedducky@oddessy@dreamingasters@jarlyd@

[daisynik7]

Rush

Chapter 10: Too Late

Pairing: Eren Jaeger x f!reader

Rating: Explicit

cw: angst, mild violence at the very end of the chapter

Summary: You end it for good. Eren realizes something a little too late.  

Notes: Only one more regular chapter left! Can’t believe it’s almost over 😭. Song is “i don’t wanna fall in love, it’s too late now” by Chase Shakur.

Important Announcement: I will be taking a short break this weekend! I have a wedding to attend and it’s also a long weekend for me, so I will not be posting Chapter 11 until the following week (Sunday, February 26th, 9 PM PST).  Sorry for the wait and thank you in advanced for your patience! 

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I’m ending this. It’s over. You and me. We’re done.

Eren stares at her, dumbfounded, brain short circuiting trying to comprehend what she said.  

“What?” he sputters, sitting up on the bed, still naked, gleaming with sweat and slick from their love making just twenty minutes ago. 

“This is the last time. I’m done.”

He jumps off, adrenaline rushing through his body as he quickly slides into his briefs. “I don’t understand. Why? What did I do?” 

She drops her heels and purse onto the floor, crossing her arms. “Wow. It must be so nice living with this level of ignorance. Or maybe it’s selfishness, I don’t know anymore. But if you want me to spell it out for you, I can.”

He swallows hard, caught off guard by her flippant demeanor. “Is this because I didn’t take you to formal? I didn’t even dance with her – ”

“It’s not about formal, Eren!” she snaps. “It’s everything! The sneaking around, the manipulating, the disrespect. I can’t take it anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“You make me feel ashamed of myself. Make me feel worthless. You didn’t even want to be friends, you had to pretend that I didn’t fucking exist. All you want me for is sex, that’s the only way you acknowledge me. I’m not a fucking sex toy. I’m a human fucking being.”

He’s never seen her so angry. There’s a lump in his throat, making it difficult for him to speak. In a quiet voice, he explains,  “I didn’t mean for you to feel that way. I told you, I’m just not ready for people to know about us yet.” It’s a half-assed excuse, he knows that. He never thought about how she was feeling. Or maybe he was too selfish to think about it. 

“So you’d rather ignore me than have people know we’re together? Do you realize how fucked up that is? Are you that embarrassed of me? Am I only good enough to fuck and that’s it?” Tears well up in her eyes. She wipes them away before they fall down her cheek. There’s a tightness in his chest engulfing him watching her cry like this.

“No, I –“ he starts, incapable of articulating what he wants to say into words. Instead, he begs, “Can we please go to bed? I promise, everything will be okay in the morning.”

She takes a few deep breaths, responding, “I’m sick of waiting around for everything to be okay. Waiting for you to get over yourself. It’s a waste of time. It’s not fun anymore. I’m unhappy. When I’m with you, I feel gross and dirty. I don’t feel like myself.”

The realization hits as she bares her all to him. She’s hurt. She’s been hurting. And he’s responsible for it. He’s the cause of the pain and anguish that she’s been forced to endure until it became overwhelming. Until her delicate heart couldn’t take it anymore. It’s all his fault. 

He reaches out to hold her, console her in the only way he knows how. She flinches away from him, disgusted. “Don’t touch me. You don’t get to touch me anymore.”

In his mind, he only remembers the good memories. The ecstasy, the euphoria, the thrill of sneaking around and indulging in his carnal desires. He turned a blind eye to her obvious apprehension when he first suggested they keep it all a secret. Perhaps he wasn’t blind at all; he saw it but chose to disregard it. Convinced himself that he was doing what was best for himself, and not for the both of them. He’s always been aware how selfish he can be; this is a new low that even he didn’t think he’d stoop to.

She bends down to retrieve her belongings from the floor. Without looking at him, she asks, “Do you even like me, Eren?”

The question stuns him. He’s frozen, voice caught in his throat. Every part of his being is yelling at him to confess what he’s been too afraid to say. Has he even admitted it to himself? His overbearing ego won’t let him. He’s too much of a fucking coward. Jaw tight, staring at anywhere except her, he remains silent. Too fucking scared to face the truth. He’s still trying to tell himself that the feelings he has for her are lust, nothing more. So why does it hurt so much knowing she’s ending it?

“That’s what I thought. I get it now. It was all pretend just to fuck me. To use me. Well, congratulations. You got what you wanted. I hope you’re happy.”

Eren stays in place, feet rooted to the carpet, listening to her walk away and undo the double locks on the door. Before turning the handle, he hears her take a staggered breath. The door shuts with a loud thud and she’s gone. 

~~~

You exit the room, taking in a deep breath. It’s over. You did it. 

A few minutes later, you find yourself in front of Room 310, laughter audible through the walls. After several knocks, Hitch opens the door, dressed in her pajamas. In the background, you see Annie, Connie, and Armin, also in their PJs, playing cards on one of the beds.

Hitch looks at you, worried. “What are you doing here?”

Annie rises from the bed and stands behind her, staring at you intently. 

“It’s over. I ended it.”

Both of their eyes widen. Annie pushes you into the hall, Hitch following, shutting the door. 

“Are you okay?” Hitch asks.

“Yeah, I think so. Can I stay in your room for the night? I don’t really want to be alone right now.”

“Of course. Let’s go get your stuff.”

You nod, leading them down the hallway into your room, where Mike is sprawled out on the bed, having the best sleep of his life. After refilling his nearly empty glass of water, you quietly grab your bag and tiptoe back into the hallway. 

Back in Room 310, you change into comfortable clothes and lounge on one of the beds, emotionally exhausted. Armin and Connie don’t question your sudden presence, which is appreciated. The next few hours pass, letting yourself get distracted by card games and idle gossip amongst your friends. At around 2 AM, the boys fall sleep next to each other on one bed while you, Annie, and Hitch snuggle together in the other. Once they’re snoring, Annie nudges you, whispering, “Are you sure you’re okay?”

You’re bundled between them, comfortable in their warmth and concern. “Yeah. Actually, I think I’m good.” 

She snorts. “God, I would kill to see what that asshole’s face looked like when you told him.”

“He seemed pretty shocked,” you mention, recalling the way he started sputtering at you. Your body was surging with adrenaline that you didn’t have a chance to process his reactions properly. “He didn’t really say much though. Maybe he’s relieved that it’s over.”

“I don’t think so. I bet he’s more heartbroken about it than you think,” Hitch says, giving your hand a gentle squeeze

“I doubt it.”

“Either way, it’s done. No more sneaking around, no more drama.”

“Yeah,” you smile. “Good riddance.” 

Around 9:00 AM, you wake up and sneak out of the room, sending a short text to Annie letting her know you’re leaving. At the café downstairs, you order a breakfast burrito and coffee to-go. In your room, you find Mike awake, lying on the bed, scrolling through his phone. His face brightens when he sees you walk in, goodies in hand.

“Hey,” he greets, voice hoarse from his hangover.

“Good morning, handsome. Here.” You set the breakfast burrito on the nightstand, where he peers at it, smiling. 

“You remembered,” he grins, eyes twinkling with delight.

“Of course. Also,” you reach into your pocket for a small pack of painkillers. “Some aspirin, in case you’re hurting.”

He chuckles, accepting it. “Thank you. I’m sorry I was such a bad date last night.”

“You don’t have to apologize. I forced you to bring me.” You sit at the edge of the bed, grinning at him.

“Well, regardless, I’m happy I brought you.” He places his hand on top of yours, brushing his thumb gently against your skin suggestively. “Can I make it up to you before we check out?”

“Mike, you are the sweetest. But I need to focus on myself for a while. I think I need to be alone for a bit to figure some stuff out.”

He sighs. “I get it. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters.” 

You gaze at him affectionately, almost wishing you had a time machine to go back and re-do your entire semester with Mike instead of Eren. Mike deserves to be doted on one thousand percent, and even if you could reverse time, you’re not sure if you could give that to him.

“Can I at least get one last kiss?” he asks, that charming smirk on his face. 

Giggling, you lean forward, kissing him. “You definitely need to brush your teeth,” you tease.

“Yep, I just got a whiff myself. I am so sorry. I’ll shower and brush first, then I’ll dive into this delicious burrito.” He gives you a quick peck on the cheek, skipping to the bathroom to start the shower. 

Falling against the bedsheets, you stare at the ceiling, pondering. Did your words leave any effect on Eren? He stood there, gawking at you, a dense look on his face. Was it shock? Or does he really not give a shit?

While it was satisfying to let it out, you can’t help being a little heartbroken. You wanted so badly for it to work, for him to like you back. For it to turn into something real. There were moments together that gave you that rush of falling in love. It was electrifying. Exhilarating. To experience it first-hand, even for a few fleeting moments, makes you not regret it entirely.   

Confirming that it was all a sham is a difficult truth to swallow. It’s your own fault for disregarding the red flags, ignoring Annie’s warnings, pretending everything was fine when it never was. The only other peace you can gather from all of this is learning from your mistakes. You’re determined to never give yourself to someone who isn’t willing to accept all of you. 

When Mike is clean and fresh out of the shower, he devours his breakfast in a few large bites. Once he’s done, the two of you pack your belongings and tidy up, checking out of the room to catch the first bus. Downstairs in the lobby, you spot Annie and Hitch, sipping on their iced coffees next to Armin and Connie. You part ways, leaving him with the other upperclassmen so you can join your friends. 

Hitch offers you the remaining drink on the tray. “Morning,” she smiles. 

You thank her, sipping on your second coffee of the day, listening to them chat with each other. It could be the caffeine rush, or the adrenaline from last night. Either way, you feel rejuvenated and refreshed. A new beginning. A clean slate. 

It doesn’t last long, however. Halfway through your coffee, distracted by your phone, you hear Annie ask in a stern voice, “What do you want now?”

You tilt your head up to investigate, finding Eren standing in front of her.

~~~

Eren wakes up at the end of the bed, legs dangling off the edge. Body slouched against the sheets, feet settled on the carpet flooring. Ready to open the door if she ever returns. She never does. 

He fetches his phone off the floor, which fell from his hand overnight. Scanning his notifications, he sees no responses, no call backs. He reviews the series of text messages he bombarded her with, several minutes after her departure:

Eren: Hey

Eren: Please come back

Eren: Let’s talk

Eren: I don’t want this to end yet

Eren: come back

Eren: I’m sorry

Eren: Please talk to me

It doesn’t seem like the messages have been delivered; she must have blocked him. None of the calls he made went through, sending him straight to the generic voicemail that informs him that the number he has dialed is unavailable. He attempted at least ten calls to her last night, desperate to regain control of a situation that exploded in his face. One that he was severely unprepared to handle.

When the sun rises and a stream of daylight shimmers past the curtains, he gets up, having barely slept. He feels like shit. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Is this how he made her feel whenever they were together? After disappointing her time and time again? 

Moments before she left him, he had a breakthrough. He was willing to commit to her, after being indecisive for so long. He allowed himself to be vulnerable, declaring I’m yours, I’m all yours. But it was too late. The contempt on her face as she exposed him for all his filth is cemented in his mind. The tears falling from her eyes, the disgust in her face when he reached out to her. The guilt eats away at him, knowing he’s the whole reason behind it. 

Groggy and exhausted, he stumbles into the shower, the hot steam not enough to fill the emptiness consuming his insides. It’s obvious now what he did wrong. He dangled the promise of a real relationship in front of her, toying with her emotions until she finally snapped. He thought he could get away with it, keep her around while he figured out what he wants to do. Not once did he consider her ending it first. He seriously underestimated her.

Maybe it’s better this way. He always planned to end it eventually. He never could bring himself to do it, though. There’s always been a small part of him that wanted to hold onto her for a bit longer. 

Packed and ready to check out, he heads downstairs to the hotel lobby, waiting for the first bus to arrive. Armin spots him, waving him over to the couch he’s currently lounging on. “Eren!” 

“Hey Armin,” he greets, sitting beside him. 

“God, you look awful,” Armin blurts, studying his face. 

“I didn’t get much sleep last night,” Eren admits, conscious of the dark circles under his eyes. Trying to change the subject, he asks, “What did you do last night? After formal?”

Smiling, Armin replies, “We hung out in our room. It was fun.”

“Who was all there?”

Armin lists names, the last being hers. Eren lifts his head up, alert. “She was with you last night?”

Confused, he answers, “Yeah, she was.”

“Do you know where she is now?”

“Um, probably checking out of her room with Mike. Why?” 

“I have to talk to her. I need to see her. Do you know if she’s riding the first bus with us?”

“Uh, I have no idea,” he responds, still perplexed. “Why do you have to talk to her? I didn’t realize you two talked.”

Connie appears and places himself next to Armin, sipping on a coffee cup. “The girls are waiting for the iced coffees. Oh hey, Eren! What’s up man? You look like shit.”

Annoyed, Eren stands and walks away, heading towards the café at the other side of the lobby. He sees Annie and Hitch, waiting for their order at the other side of the register. 

“Annie.”

Both girls turn around to face him, Hitch surprised, Annie pissed. “What is it, Jaeger?”

“Where is she?”

Annie smirks. “Who?”

“Stop playing dumb. Armin told me she was with you last night. Where is she?”

Hitch chimes in, “Why do you want to know?”

“I need to talk to her.”

“It’s over, Eren. Leave her alone,” Annie says, glaring at him. “She doesn’t want anything to do with you anymore.”

“You don’t know what she wants.”

“And you do? Are you fucking kidding me?” She steps towards him, ready to fight. 

Hitch holds her by the shoulders, whispering, “Annie, don’t.”

He moves back, waving his hands. “Look, I just want to speak to her. Make this right.”

She scoffs. “It’s too late for that, Jaeger. It is way��too late for that.”

The barista calls out a number and Annie heads to the counter to retrieve the drinks, leaving Eren alone with Hitch.

“She liked you, you know,” Hitch says quietly. “She really liked you.”

He stares at her, unsure how to respond.

“And she thought that maybe you liked her too.”

“I – ”

“You shouldn’t treat people you care about like that.”

Before he can say anything else, Annie returns, a tray of drinks in her hand. “Let’s go, Hitch. I can’t stand being around this loser any longer.” They both leave, heading for Armin and Connie on the couch. 

Eren scratches his head, feeling worse than he did just a few minutes ago. He’s not exactly sure what his plan is. All he knows is that he needs to do some damage control. He never wanted them to be on bad terms. With the way he acted, he realizes now how he set them up for failure. How could he think casting her aside as his dirty little secret would ever end well?

He discovers another couch to sit at while he waits, checking his phone to see if she somehow miraculously unblocked him. No luck. A beacon of hope arrives when he spots her coming out of the elevator, making her way towards Annie and Hitch. Desperate, he makes his way to them, praying that somehow, she’ll find it in her heart to listen to him. 

As he approaches them, Annie sneers, “What do you want now?”

He cranes his neck to peer past them, trying to get a good look at her. She faces him once Annie speaks, blinking as if she’s not seeing him correctly.

Hitch and Annie huddle closer together, blocking her from his view. “What do you want, Jaeger?” Annie repeats, tone more threatening. 

“I need to talk to her.”

“No.”

“Just leave her alone, Eren.”

Armin and Connie observe them, bewildered. “What’s going on?”

Ignoring his brothers, he repeats, “Please. I need to talk to her.”

“Eren, stop. There’s nothing else that needs to be said. It’s over,” Hitch reiterates, standing firm in place. 

“Jaeger, seriously. It’s getting creepy.”

“I just want to talk to her, okay?” He tries to push his way past the two girls, reaching for her. “I need to talk to you, sweetie. Please.”

“She’s not your sweetie anymore, Jaeger. Give it up!” Annie shoves him, causing him to back up against Armin. 

Suddenly, Reiner appears, walking towards them, Bertolt close beside him. “What the hell is going on? Why did she shove you, Eren?”

He stands up straight, clearing his throat. “I…I need…It’s nothing. It was a misunderstanding.”

Annie scoffs. “Oh, now you’re afraid to talk? Weren’t you just harassing us about how much you need to talk to her – ”

Reiner interrupts, “Shut up, Annie. Let’s go, Eren. The bus is here. Leave these fucking losers.” He clutches Eren by the scruff and drags him outside towards the bus, watching her eyes follow him out the door. 

~~~

Stomping her foot on the floor, Annie growls under her breath, “Fucking assholes.”

Hitch faces you. “Hey, are you alright?”

You swallow hard, replying, “Yeah. That was…weird.”

“He was looking for you earlier too,” she mentions. “Said he wants to talk to you and make things right.”

“If he really wants to make things right, why didn’t he say anything yesterday?” It’s a rhetorical question that you don’t expect anyone except him to know the answer too. You’re not sure if he knows himself. 

For a moment, you pity him. You’ve never heard him so desperate. The moment passes once Reiner comes into the picture. And Eren is back to his usual self, too scared to show weakness in front of his big brother. It’s pathetic. 

Armin and Connie whisper to each other, understandably puzzled by what just occurred in front of them. Thankfully, they don’t go directly to you asking any questions, letting Annie and Hitch conjure a story to appease their suspicions. 

You’re tempted to wait the extra half hour for the other bus to avoid another awkward interaction, but you ultimately decide to board with the rest of your friends. Eren is already sitting in his own seat, the hood of his sweatshirt on, headphones covering his ears. He gives you a swift glance before focusing his attention to his phone. You let out a sigh of relief, hoping the rest of the trip goes smoothly, and he doesn’t decide to do anything erratic.  

You sit near the rear, occupying a seat to yourself. You notice him sneak peeks at you every few minutes. The whole ride, you’re anxious about him getting up and ambushing you. Thankfully, he never does. 

Back on campus, you dawdle, waiting for him to leave first. Outside, waiting for your bag to be unloaded, Eren doesn’t approach you, deterred by the overbearing presence of big brother Reiner. This might be the only instance in your life that you’ve ever been grateful for that asshole’s company. Once you get sight of your bag, you quickly grab it and hustle out of there, straight for your dorm room. 

Why is he still trying to speak to you? Is guilt eating away at him? Does he want to apologize? Could it be that he finally realizes he has feelings for you? Whatever the reason, you tell yourself not to reflect on it too much. If you continue to hope that there’s something there, you’ll never be able to move on from him. 

The warning signs were always present. Mikasa addressed it earlier in the semester. He’ll do whatever it takes to get what he wants, and sometimes he doesn’t think about how his actions can hurt people. He can be a little selfish. At the time, you brushed it aside, convinced that there weren’t enough feelings involved to get hurt. Now, as you climb your way out of the deep pit you dug yourself in, you wish you took her words seriously. 

She arrives to the room about an hour later. “Hey, roomie. Want to get lunch with us? Jean and I are getting burgers.”

You’re in bed, lazy, lost in thought, and quite frankly exhausted. “I’m not that hungry, so go without me. Thanks anyways.”

“Are you okay? You look sad.”

You sit up, putting on the best smile you can. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just tired.”

She seems skeptical, but relents, saying, “Well I can’t wait to catch up later. I didn’t see you at the end of the night.”

“I went back to the room with Mike and ending up falling asleep,” you lie. 

“I see. Anyways, let’s talk later. Jean’s waiting for me outside.”

When she’s back from lunch, you and Mikasa chat about your formal experiences, purposefully omitting any and all details about Eren. Now that it’s officially over, there’s no reason to tell her about it. After all that has happened, you don’t hate him enough to tarnish his reputation to his childhood friend. You don’t have it in you to hate him at all. 

~~~

The following week on Sunday night, Eren finds himself lying in bed yet again, belly full of his third instant ramen of the day. Too miserable to leave his room and eat a substantial meal. 

The first part of the week, he was okay. Classes and three-hour workouts at the gym served as a proper distraction. He pretended to be fine with it. Tried to convince himself that it’s better this way. He’s free to do anything and anyone he wants, like he always planned. 

It only lasted a few days until he started getting in his own head again, feeling sorry for himself, missing her immensely now that he no longer has her. Thursday, he retreated to the comfort of his own bed, the one place that still smells like her, just barely. 

He fucked it all up; he knows that. Her words echo in his head constantly, reminding him how awful he’s been the past few months. How selfish he is for not thinking for a second how his actions hurt her. He’ll never forgive himself for making her doubt her worth, for being the cause behind her heartache. 

It’s too late to take it all back. Too late to rewind and do things right. He’s living with the consequences of his decisions. Suffering the punishment that the universe is dealing him, and rightfully so. He deserves this. 

It was never in his plan to fall for her; even with this, it’s too late. It wasn’t evident to him before. Now, as he buries his nose into the pillow, desperate for any trace of her, it’s clear as day. He likes her. 

Has it been building up this entire time right under his nose? He was so confident he had control of his emotions; thought he could play it cool. Keep it casual, no strings attached. All while he kept ignoring the pleasant swell in his chest every time he was with her. Downplaying how utterly attracted he was to every part of her.

Eren despises clichés; however, the phrase you don’t know what you have until it’s gone keeps popping up in his mind. He took her for granted. He was so sure she would never leave, certain he had her wrapped around his finger. Confident that he had total control of the situation. How wrong he was. 

Armin notices his sudden change in behavior. For the most part, his roommate leaves him alone to wallow in his own self-pity. Tonight, he doesn’t.

“Eren, are you going to chapter tonight?”

“No,” he responds, remaining under the covers.

“You can’t miss two chapters in a row without a formal excuse. You skipped last week already. Pledges who miss two chapters in a row will be reprimanded.”

He’s annoyed having to hear Armin explain the rules to him. “Make up an excuse for me.”

“Eren, seriously. What’s wrong? You’ve been moping all week, ever since formal. What happened to you?”

The truth is at the tip of his tongue. I’m a fuck up. A major fuck up. I fucked up everything. He wants to spill it to his best friend, seek advice and find comfort that he knows Armin can offer him. Instead, he stays silent, wrapping himself tighter in his blanket.

“Please come to chapter tonight. It’ll be good to get out of the room. See some people.”

It takes a few minutes, but Eren reluctantly leaves and takes a much needed shower. In order to redeem himself, he has to be honest with her. No more lies, no more manipulation. He has to wear his heart of his sleeve, as she did for him. It’s still not enough, but maybe it’s a start. She still has him blocked in all forms of communication. And nobody else in his life knows about their secret affair, aside from Annie and Hitch, who he is certain will not lend a helping hand. Getting out of bed seems like the first step to putting this new plan into action.

His roommate waits for him to walk to the Alpha Tau house together. There, he is greeted by his pledge brothers, to which he tries his best to appear normal. 

At chapter, he sinks into his seat, barely listening to the agenda. Racking his brain for any inspiration on how to fix the mess he created. Near the end, Erwin announces something that does spark his interest. 

“Next semester, we are going to elect a new sweetheart for Alpha Tau. For those of you who don’t know, a sweetheart is a woman who represents the fraternity and all of our values. She will become an honorary member of our organization, partaking in our many events, including fundraisers and social gatherings. We want someone who is friendly, kind-hearted, and involved on campus. Historically, they are affiliated with a sorority, though not required. Unfortunately, due to last semester’s troubles, our last sweetheart withdrew from her position, which is completely understandable. Now that we are back in the good graces of the university and the other organizations, I believe it is a great time to elect a new sweetheart.” 

Levi adds, “Girlfriends are allowed to be nominated. Keep in mind, we as a fraternity will be voting on who will be the sweetheart, majority rules. Please don’t take it personally if your girlfriend is not selected.”

Erwin shuffles through his papers, ready to jot down some notes. “Alright. Any nominations?”

Immediately, Jean rises from his seat to nominate Mikasa. Armin grins, seemingly supportive of this suggestion.  

Slouched in his seat, Reiner yells out, “Sandra, from Delta Mu.” 

Erwin notes this. “Anyone else?”

Sweetheart. The only person Eren can think of who encompasses that title is her. On impulse, he sticks his hand and nominates her.

Armin turns to stare at him, baffled. Reiner cranes his neck to leer at him, repulsion and confusion etched on his face. 

Mike whoops and yells out, “I second that nomination. I didn’t know you two were friends, Eren. Good shit.”

He ignores Mike’s comments and bows his head towards the floor, avoiding the stares from his best friend and big brother. A few more women are suggested before the meeting ends. 

Armin follows Eren down the stairs, whispering, “Why did you nominate her? I didn’t even know you two were friends.”

They stand in the living room, slightly away from the crowd of brothers gathering near the TV to watch the end of a basketball game. In a soft voice, Eren responds, “Well, we aren’t friends necessarily. It’s complicated, but I can explain. For the past few months, her and I have been – ”

“Eren, what the actual fuck, man?” Reiner interrupts, his tone loud and obnoxious as he descends the stairs, Bertolt tailing him, per usual. “Have you lost your fucking mind? You picked a Sigma Nu Kappa? What the fuck?”

Armin intervenes. “Reiner, calm down – ”

“I’m not talking to you Arlert, shut the fuck up. Eren, why did you nominate that Sigma Nu Kappa?” 

He doesn’t respond, annoyed and fed up with Reiner’s constant hostility and outrageous behavior, especially now. Bertolt stays behind him with the same pathetic expression, always hovering his best friend like a lost puppy dog.  

“I knew it. You’re fucking her aren’t you?”

Eren glares at him, muscles tense, fists tight. He grits his teeth, keeping silent.

Reiner continues. “I saw you two at formal, outside the bathrooms. Think you’re slick, don’t you?”

“Formal?” Armin interjects, the pieces starting to align in his head.

“Figured you were too drunk to care, so I let it slide. Then all that shit happened with Annie. Then I knew something was going on.”

Armin twists his head back and forth between the two brothers, unsure how to alleviate the situation. Eren still doesn’t respond, cheeks hot, eyes narrowed, fingertips tingling. Listening with disdain as Reiner continues to berate him.

“And tonight. Jesus fucking Christ, Eren. You disappoint me. Of all the girls you could have fucked, you had to choose her. What a goddamn shame.”

He clenches his fists tight, disgusted by every word this comes out of this fucking prick’s mouth, as if he’s hearing this type of shit talk for the first time. However, it’s worse now than it’s ever been before. It’s personal.

“All these hot sorority girls and you choose an ugly Sigma Nu Kappa bitch – ”

Bam.

Like a crack of thunder, Eren’s knuckles connect with Reiner’s jaw.

~~~

You’re in pajamas browsing the Internet on your laptop when you hear Mikasa gasp in bed across from you. You watch her, concerned, as she hops off, hastily changing into sweats.

“I have to go,” she announces, scrambling to collect her keys.

“Are you okay? What’s happening?” you ask, sitting up.

With a somber expression on her face, she says, “Armin just texted me. Eren got kicked out of Alpha Tau.”

----------

End Notes: See you back in two weeks for the finale of Rush! 

----------

Tag List:

@jaegerxeren @thelovewitch0v0 @hippiecultz @silver-foxling-blog @eren-slut @littlelaur27 @mokyowife @thenamesaceee @mxnst3rz @itswhits @diamandveins @ritzzberitzz @xartisticoutletx @izukusupreme @erensfavblackie @tippy-toes @monbebe101 @crtzrulestheworld @maqqiekwon @where-the-blackbirds-sing @minibold @hilichurl01 @jbird0508 @rainzelenia @anonbbygirlsblog @prettygirllisa @ctrllovre @4522-08 @laiorelle @pompompurjin @inbriannawestrust @alicebleu @sparkles-and-rust @neopussytechnology @kpopisbaeforever @kindmarely @weasleyisourking1

@roronoazorosbxtchh @f4irycafe @hello-juuliana @sideofthemoonn @imaddicted-b @belovedackerman @bunnyxgirlxo @butterfly-skinnylegend @bettydes8 @invisible-mori @yesv01 @letig0

[lains-reality]

hello! i rlly love your blog and the way you explain things

how do i just apply? whenever i do i stress that i’m doing it wrong because i feel overwhelmed by the amount of info and things i have to make sure i’m doing right then i spiral and over consume again. i don’t want to rely on tumblr anymore.

what’s the simplest way to apply all of this and just “manifest” (i don’t rlly like this word bc it implies there’s a process or that i’m trying to get) my dream life? thank you

hi! ty!

it takes some courage! i also read a lot as a way to feel secure, but eventually i just got tired and just decided 'i have no more fears from this day on! done with this!' and i made it a practise to stop avoiding myself whenever something comes up

its all very natural, i can't say how you'll just finally decide that your over this lol

"whenever i do i stress that i’m doing it wrong because i feel overwhelmed by the amount of info"

well, learn how to stop yourself in the moment. you're putting too much pressure on your character! it only know what it knows now, it will not accept anything outside of what it already knows! thats why you leave it alone. read all you want to read, but stop when you feel like you have to. like you must. let yourself relax.

"i don’t want to rely on tumblr anymore."

good! keep going!

"what’s the simplest way to apply all of this"

just do it. try it and see. something that is a recurent theme in all the posts and book i read, is to try it. experiment. just for this one moment, let all the worries go. promise to never make problems for yourself again. you've given up troubles now, no more. just test it and see. surrender. let the mind cry and scream, for this moment, you won't allow it to deter you from freedom.

i'll give a list of stuff that helped me

theres only now -> stop bringing the past to now, learn to sit in the present moment

stop avoiding emotions, sit with the fear, discomfort etc

you already are Self! nothing can undo that!

be patient

non attachment (or detachment)

experiment - take something you already know and test it

question everything

find out what are the stories you want, what the desire will supposedly give you

it is not necessary to get rid of thoughts or images just stop deriving identity from them

"am i arguing for my limitations?"

soon more lovely thoughts and images will appear in your awareness and you can choose what you want

can you outgrow it? not you. observe it? not you. in the absense of it, you don't dissapear? not you.

be okay with not having it. get to a place where no one and no thing can disturb you (and your happiness and peace)

just see how absurd all this shit is. like i was born? what was it like before i was born? why is it normal to hear your voice in your head? no one knows what tomorrow is but we all worry abt it, where tf does the voice in your head come from? how can we actually identify feelings, what if the feeling pride isn't actually pride and you've been lied to? do you know how crazy this is for an infant?! we say we are an [x] person and that changes and so we say we are an [y] person, so who are we?? if we can change like that? being a human is confusing, seek the truth out and question all

just start to disidentify as the body-mind. when you disidentify as the body-mind you'll start to feel better as all the pressure you put on your character falls away. this will intice you to keep going as you feel freer!

have fun!! go and live life!! appriciate what you have now - this is all expressing the character, omnipr3sence, perfectly! you'll start to see "i barely thought abt x 2 days ago and now i see it here lol" "i was worrying about y and now i see it here too" "oh so this comes along with being the character too, maybe i should change that story"

you're in your own dream, see it as your dream and you'll start seeing the connections.

no need to convince the character, just move on. let yourself doubt this 'reality'

disclaimer: i'm still learning too! so please keep practising and have your own epiphanies!

reading

habit

no need to convince

behaviour

[nyctophiliq]

Another one, if possible, NSFW for Renata with her assistant who is very serious and polite in public but shy, sweet and hesitant when only Renata is around? Please tell me if it'sok to send multiple, I think you're a great writer and I have a lot of ideas but I don't want to be overwhelming- 🩰

✮ — THE PERFECT ASSISTANT ; renata glasc

MINORS DNI. . . afab reader, nsfw ! — lowercase writing intended, fingering, office sex, clothed sex, usage of pet names, renata holds the reader’s hands above their head, she is very persuasive or about, (not proof read)

wc ; 1,32 k

MOSS' NOTES . . .  moss is really sorry that this took this long to come around and finish, but hope you like it dear 🩰 anon, and that you haven’t blacklisted moss for taking too long

it amazed renata how put together and unflinching you were when out in public, she cannot recall seeing anyone as serious as you under immense stress. you never lost your touch, never in front of a crowd or under the pressure of the higher-ups. it didn't matter if two guys, taller, heavier, and much stronger than you started a fight, you were relentless and never panicked. you were extremely polite, not losing your cool even when somebody attacked your personality and ego, keeping a serious face on and sorting them out accordingly.

but it was different when only she was around, then you weren’t so straightforward and your words were just as shaky as your breathing was. sometimes your heart skipped a beat when she got too close to you, she knew it when your breath hitched as she cornered you.

“what is it, cat got your tongue?” she asks as she leans on her desk, smirking when you tense up even more. your voice is almost inaudible as you stutter, “i... i’m sorry, i am just trying to uhm... my notes are a mess ma’am-“ you try to protest but renata doesn’t give you time to finish and interrupts your rambling with a sigh.

“you don't have to worry about those right now,” she starts, taking away your notebook full of yellow post-it notes, and setting it aside on the far corner of the table. "and besides you can't get anything done by being all tense," you look at her in confusion when she stands up from her chair, coming around and trapping you between her and the desk. 

she looks at you endearingly, her left prosthetic hand coming up to loop around your middle. renata pushes a strand of hair out of your face, smiling before her head falls onto your chest. "let's help you relax, okay?" she murmurs, her breath damp and hot against your neck. she leaves a trail of sweet kisses down to your collarbone and urges you to lay down on the desk.

you watch, breath hitching and heart pounding as renata's hand snakes under your skirt and strips down the lacy underwear that you were wearing. she then steps between your legs, pocketing your panties in her vest's pocket when she leans down and kisses your roughly, swallowing your moan as her hand grazes against the length of your calf.

a little hesitant when her lips move from your mouth to your neck again, your hand reaches out to wrap around her, head tilting with your lips parting to let out small whimpers. renata's full lips glide against you, sucking your skin and spinning your head, so much so that you don't even notice when her left hand takes a hold of both of yours by the wrists, and pins them above your head with a warning to keep them there.

you cry out when renata lifts her knee, a gentle pressure doing little to relieve the ache that settles in your clit as sharp teeth scrape along your jaw. "be a good girl, okay? keep those pretty hands there for me." she says in a sweet tone but you know it is nothing less than a warning. you know she doesn't want to repeat herself, that's why you are nodding your head so fervently as her mouth travels straight to your cunt, your clit pulsing in time with your thudding heart as it peaks out from between your drenched folds.

renata licks your slit slowly but firmly, the tip of her tongue darting into your core to taste the sweetness that lingers within. the feeling causes you to gasp in surprise which makes renata smile, her thumb stroking over the throbbing nub gently. your eyes flutter shut and you groan softly at the sensations coursing through your body, and she laughs huskily at your desperate reaction.

"you act so calm and polite," she mutters against your slick lower lips before straightening her spine and further opening your legs before continuing, "make some noise for me, yeah pretty thing?" you blush at her suggestion, eyes traveling behind her and glue on the door. it's closed, but it's not locked and you cannot decide if it makes you terrified or even more excited. surely somebody finding you in such a position with the head of the glasc industries could do both good and bad to your reputation, but it shouldn't matter when renata glasc herself is threatening you with a good time.

you complete her previous request of being loud when she slips two fingers inside of your tight heat, without a warning, without too many pampering words to prepare you for what is coming. but you cannot find yourself complaining, more like complying with it as she moves her fingers and you moan her name out, your tone pitching high. the sudden stretch is unfamiliar, your walls fluttering and clenching as your back arches up and your hips buck into her hand. renata's digits curl inside you, hitting the spongy sweet spot hidden inside you just as her other hand unbuttons your shirt. 

the grip you were now holding onto the desk under you tightens and you swallow hard, knuckles staining white as the older woman roughly fucks into you. the palm of her hand bumps your clit with each thrust, edging you closer and closer. and the more she pulls out and slams home with every flick of her wrist, the more sensitive you become, your body tensing with each movement. you're not sure whether it was your own desire, or hers urging you to cum faster, but you could wait until you hit your peak.

but after a few seconds of blissful oblivion and a couple of minutes of waiting, you couldn't take it anymore as your thighs start trembling and you cry out, the muscles clenching and releasing at the same time. renata grins triumphantly as she grabs your hips and forces you further down, driving deeper into your heat. you bite your lip hard as your nails dig into the wooden desk, making marks and leaving bruises. you let out a strangled moan and your body goes limp, collapsing onto the desk.

"good girl, aren't you beautiful?" she whispers as she presses a kiss to the crook of your shoulder, running her long fingernails over the sensitive skin. your back arches once more, your toes curling and you whine quietly. she moves inside of you with gentle strokes, helping you off of the drug-like induced high before pulling out and letting you pant in exhaustion, your head falling backward and colliding with the table. she removes her hand from your pussy and you whimper softly. you feel her shift away from you and you open your eyes, frowning confusedly when she disappears from your line of sight.

"calm down now, i am here, my girl." she whispers from above, you find some strength in your muscles to move a little, your head tilting up. you let go of the edge of the desk, nudging your hand against her, trying to get her to hold it while you gather yourself mentally.

she gives you a small chuckle, before pressing a gentle peck to your sweat-covered forehead and taking your awaiting hand into hers. renata offers you her help in getting your clothes tidied up so the two of you can get home but you don’t pay too much attention to her words, rather letting yourself doze off a little.

there hasn’t been a time where the two of you could be alone like this in the past few weeks with all these business deals rolling in, one after another without a pause. you wanted to bath in the bliss of renata’s warmth and the comfortable feeling that pooled between your legs a little while longer before letting it be washed away at home alongside all the stress that built up in you.

TAG LIST . . . @mxyx-rx444 @sevikasangel @pixiegirlz @xthescarletbitch @bigboobslilheart @theburninghuntress @thehollowartist

[artistnerd24]

(TLDR: I’m depressed that Jaiden is gone and now it feels like a huge chunk of my enjoyment of the server is gone. I completely respect ccJaiden’s decision to leave and am happy that the stream where I found her playing Qsmp led me to find such an amazing fandom and such a talented creator who I want to still watch in the future (seriously though, I would not have found her incredible animations if it wasn’t for that stream). I will probably be taking a hiatus from Qsmp though because now such a huge part of my experience is now gone and I realized how I’ve been prioritizing this over real life which has been damaging my mental health. I don’t know if I will return to the fandom or not (I probably will because I am way too addicted but it depends what life shows) but if I don’t, thank you Qsmp for allowing me to be part of such a great experience :D)

… just heard the news that ccJaiden is leaving the project and that qJaiden is dead…

I hope that ccJaiden feels better, I know how overwhelming Qsmp can get and I respect her choice to leave very much…

But… is it okay if I just feel very depressed now? Jaiden is who got me into QSMP, she has been my main for months and I loved her and her content and was planning to make so many animatic, arts, and fics about her (in fact she was one of my biggest driving motivators for it). She was truly such an amazing character. I loved her lore, I loved her personality, I loved Bubbleduo, I loved the Jaidens, I loved the idea of her and Empanada meeting… I just loved her character… she and her streams helped me feel better a lot… it’s the main reason why I’m still in the fandom… but now… with her gone I actually just feel like a huge chunk of my love for it has been ripped out, and I’m just sad. I’m sad that we lost her and everything that could have been in qJaiden’s future…

But hey! If it weren’t for me discovering her through a Qsmp stream that was recommended to me, I probably wouldn’t have become a fan of ccJaiden’s animations and probably wouldn’t even know about such an amazing creator! I’m happy that ccJaiden was able to be apart of this server and that now she will be able to do more stuff that she loves and doesn’t overwhelm her.

But as for me… I might take a hiatus from Qsmp for a bit…

If you look at my posts you probably knew how much I love Jaiden’s character and how she is probably my favorite thing about the server besides Gegg but he’s gone too…

There is a part of me begging me to not leave this fandom. I’m still in love with so many other characters’ stories like Tina, Tubbo, Phil, Bagi, etc.. But there has been so many times that situations and other events also just overwhelmed me and made me detached from real life and now with one of the main strings keeping me attached to the server gone… I don’t know if I want to still stay or not, so I think a hiatus would be good for me to just think things through.

Qsmp is truly such an amazing experience and like Jaiden said, Quackity has done so much and made something so very cool, but I think I just need some time away from it. Get back to real life again you know? I will probably be back, I’m way too addicted to these Minecraft cubitos leave, but in case I don’t… it’s been amazing to meet you guys and thank you for letting me be apart of this experience, it was incredible :)

[6leggedhorse]

Everything that could go wrong, went wrong.

I haven’t posted all week like I should’ve and I’m here to say why. I want to start this off by saying that Uni isn’t easy for some people, for me it’s easy usually. However with an internship twice a week sandwiched in between that makes it a little harder, and that’s okay, I can do it. Now that I’m taking a personal day on Fridays, this will improve my mental health and only working twice a week may not be what I wanted but it’s what I needed. However school has gotten harder, I am in a group for one of my classes and they’re involved in sports. That’s great, nothing wrong with that at all, but the issue is that they’re doing everything last minute and giving me very little time to do my part as well as very little information.

There’s no consistency in our communication; I wanted to get a head start and complete the first project early, all things considered, I considered everyone’s schedules and thought if we got this done early, it’s gonna be less stress for everyone. But unfortunately, they don’t think the same way, and putting me in a time crunch to get stuff done isn’t something I’m comfortable and okay with. For the first project, I got one set of notes for a bit and then the other two and I didn’t perspectives or any more details so my ability to write, which I know I’m good at, wasn’t put to good use and potential. So for this project they were doing the same thing, and quite frankly I was and still not happy about it. At this time a bit before I began to take Fridays off, I began to get stressed out even more. I put off studying a midterm and paper for a social work class.

I felt so overwhelmed and loaded, I got so stressed out and angry, I felt like I was being put into a position where I didn’t matter and neither did my mental health. So I found a last minute solution to our project, we needed to go to a specific event for our class project. And they waited until and I mean UNTIL the very last minute on last week, no one communicated. I didn’t say anything for this project because I wanted to be flexible and allow them to address it because last time on the first day of school, I sent the first text in our group chat asking when to get the first project started and shocker, no said anything until it was due the last possible second. So for this project I crowd sourced more events and information on social media, they wanted to play last minute bull crap again and I was not having it.

I feel as though my boundaries have been crossed soon after the post, I got comments on events AND I emailed my professor letting him know what was going on. He told me not to work with them this one time and submit it on my own which I will be doing in parts today (ADHD-I makes it difficult to focus.) hence why I NEED to get a head start on things to not get to this point. I don’t mind small assignments but this is big, and when I get overwhelmed I procrastinate because an amalgamation of unfinished projects is incredibly overwhelming and scary I just avoid it. So they began to complain over the group text and I unplugged from it to take time to think and care for myself. I have yet to open the texts, for now, my sanity matters, they don’t get to ruin how my day goes.

So, you may not hear from me for a hot second so please try to be patient, and on top of all this I have a shitty mentor in the place I intern at. She is just so rude and talks down to me and my fellow interns, and my mentor herself increases my anxiety, it’s getting to a point where I’m ✨depressed✨. Next seminar I will be talking to my Liaison and finding a new group to work with. This sucks because I love writing on here, I love writing in general, it’s so therapeutic to me but school comes first. I will let yall know when I come back. Which hopefully by next Monday I will be, things get worse before they get better I need to roll with the punches and chaos, if there is any I trust, it’s Loki that’s for damn sure.

[thenamesblurrito]

assorted Transformers fics to rec (part 1...?)

i really do think fic recs are valuable to fandom so here’s a random collection of Transformers fics i like, with no particular theme. these were compiled by frantically googling half-remembered bits to try and find the only ones i remember reading years ago, and i know i’m missing some i’d like to include

EDIT: part 2 here!

A Prime Performance

TFP AU, incomplete, AO3. Megatron is an actor in a children’s show. this is just as hilarious as you think it is. some slowburn MegOp. i love all the easter eggs and references and the way this in-universe show is created and run?? it’s fascinating

All Roads Lead to Rome

no set continuity/vaguely Bayverse, oneshot, AO3. a huge robot warrior like Sunstreaker is odd enough in modern times, just imagine him in ancient Rome. extremely interesting premise to me i love this bit and would love more. warning for typical crass patriarchal expectations for women in marriage but nothing actually explicit

Another Gate

Bayverse, complete multichap, FFN. whatever Sam is now, it isn’t human. some REAL good body horror, friendship, and alien strangeness ooooo

Bodies (break)

IDW, oneshot, AO3. Ultra Magnus goes to therapy and Rung is something wrong. oooooooghhghghhf i LOVE when people lean into the oddness and creepiness of the local god

Brave New World

fan canon, ongoing webcomic, TFW05. a spin on BW among other things, following Rodimus Prime’s crew of beastformers as they face down an assortment of bad guys and mysteries. LOVE this canon guys i LOVE it, very very good beast mode choices, very heartfelt and very funny, i also love seeing the art progression over the years. lovely webcomic here

Burn a hole in the old grip of the familiar

TFP, complete multichap, AO3, NSFW near the end. it’s focused on Ultra Magnus/reader but the first half of this fic is probably my favorite. the overwhelm and incredulity the reader character grapples with for awhile, i feel like it’s pretty realistic for someone who’s been shoved into a weird new world. DEFINITELY did Breakdown dirty though. has sequels that i haven’t read

dares for the first time

G1, oneshot, AO3. lovely little take on a G1 Guiding Hand that makes me feel things

Dog of Law

IDW, complete multichap, AO3. the Lost Light crew don’t find Minimus in Tyrest’s cells, they find a small green turbofox. lovely character driven piece here and honestly i just really like when his canonical turbofox alt is used i think it’s a shame we never got it in the story proper

First Contact

IDW, incomplete, AO3. listen it’s only a little bit written but i am OBLIGATED to post isekai/modern girl in Middle Earth/falling into fiction type of stories and i really liked the setup for this one okay! i love isekai and this was the only one i could remember to track down

Grey Is The Night

Batman/vaguely IDW crossover, complete multichap, AO3. there’s a new police car in Gotham, and it’s up to no good. listen i don’t even do DC stuff but Batman meeting Prowl here is done MARVELOUSLY ohhh i love this very much, the plot is GOOD, and i bet folks who actually like DC will love it even more

Hazard Light

IDW, oneshot, AO3. a hanahaki take on Brainstorm/Perceptor that i actually like, despite not usually enjoying hanahaki at all, with some nice Cybertronian biology too

How to Save the World in 8 Minutes and 3 Seconds

vaguely G1/continuity soup, oneshot, AO3. how does Prowl save a species, with blocked communications, no visuals, and a short time limit? why, he just keeps an eye on social media of course! a lil dark and fun and clever

In Media Bellum

TFP, incomplete, AO3. human reader is caught up with Team Prime in a delightful exploration of culture and introspection and found family. no shipping but masterful platonic relationship work! it feels... idk relaxed? caring? i love the tone of this writing

Juxtaposition

vaguely G1, complete multichap, FFN (also on AO3 but never finished crossposting). a human OC gets in a car accident and starts hearing voices in her head, unknowingly saving a Cybertronian’s life, even if it’s in a very atypical manner. love this OC, love the whole premise here and the exploration of an alien reality from a human POV. no shipping, if that’s not ur thing

Lost Light/Rodimus

IDW, oneshot, Tumblr. the ship comes to life and has something important to ask Rodimus. i love this concept it’s very good, very intriguing

Magnus Carey

IDW, oneshot, AO3. Verity teaches Minimus about Christmas. short and sweet, i love their friendship

My Totally Real Mary Sue Husband Who Lives Back On Cybertron

TFA, oneshot, AO3, Dratchet. “Ratchet offhandedly mentions he's conjunxed. Bumblebee refuses to believe him. Hijinks ensue.” funny and in character and sweet

Mythbusters Season Nine Interlude: The Autobot Special

G1/Mythbusters crossover, oneshot, AO3. busting some myths AND some Decepticons! it just keeps getting better and better the further you read. i laughed out loud so many times, and cheered at recognizing so many classic Mythbusters bits, and i will get on my hands and knees to beg for a Dirty Jobs sequel these shows were my CHILDHOOD

Patronus

TFP, twoshot, AO3. Megatron has teatime with Rung, who... is not a normal bot. more good good Rung being something wrong

Property Of

Bayverse, incomplete, FFN. when Sam and Mikaela meet Bumblebee, it isn’t as an Autobot scout, but rather as a new owner of these recently discovered organic animals called “humans”. a very well done human pet fic that doesn’t veer into psychological torture or boundary crossing or anything (sorry if that’s your jam) and while it’s incomplete i still love what’s there, especially as the kids learn how to communicate their personhood to an ignorant Bee

Rules to Follow When Making First Contact

continuity soup/fan canon, ongoing series, AO3. listen i know many folks aren’t here for the human characters but i LOVE all the humans here they are each characterized so well and i love seeing how its been blended together across canons. this is a very clever, very engaging setup with a very grounded presence for alien robots that hits in ALL the right places for me. AUTOBOTS LEARNING ENGLISH YALL!!! YES!!! very good very good

Scrimscrim

TFP....... sort of, incomplete, AO3. what do you do when you end up with a Starscream toy brought to life? this is a hilarious premise with good characterization, a lovely human OC, a ridiculous situation handled very realistically, and generally good fun to read. reverse isekai is perhaps more of a favorite of mine than isekai!

SG Prime

TFP SG au, ongoing webcomic, own website and DA. REALLY REALLY COOL YALL. fantastic designs and inclusions and expanding on TFP lore and making very interesting SG dynamics and just. excellent.

TFP Wheeljack in TFA

TFP/TFA crossover, ongoing series of posts, Tumblr. i LOVE crossovers, i will kill and die for crossovers, and this is one of the few i’ve been able to find! there’s enough posts under that tag that i haven’t been able to read them all but what i did see is GOOD

The Echo Garden

IDW/TFP crossover, incomplete, AO3. Soundwave gets picked up by the Lost Light. okay i am a SUCKER for crossovers as previously stated and this one is Good. leans fully into being a crossover and expounding on the differences between universes. Soundwave needs to figure out what to do with himself! also features some delightful slowburn SoundRod and a lovely ensemble cast. Toaster is the best

The One Where The Decepticons Are The Good Guys

TFP SG au, incomplete, AO3. i’m not typically a fan of Shattered Glass stuff but this doesn’t feel terribly OOC or completely upended or alien to the original plot, i think this is done very well and i can’t wait for more

Transformers Recovery: Primal Launch

fan canon, complete multichap, AO3. it’s like the Lost Light but weirder, i don’t even know how to convey its awesomeness. VERY funny, VERY cool, Sky Lynx is there, Swerve is important, Riptide is such a good bot, Megatron exists, just all good things here. treat yourself and read this it’s such a delight

Twenty-Five to Life

vaguely IDW, oneshot, AO3. Starscream/Minimus soulmate au that makes me wheeze when i read it because it it so painfully in character and hilarious oh my god i am CRYING laughing by the time i finish it. petty criminal Starscream, noble Minimus, oil and water. gets raunchy but nothing explicit with an NSFW sequel

Under Control Till You’re In Front Of Me

G1, oneshot, AO3. i need more people to join the Shockwave/Moonracer ship please please it’s good

Xenoethnography

canon soup/based in TFP, ongoing series, AO3. a more hard scifi take on Transformers from the POV of an anthropologist hired to study them. y’all, THIS IS GOOD. seriously if there’s one fic out of all of these i could keep, it’d be this one, it’s just so so good ugh. ugh i love it i need to catch up with it again

[borderlinereminders]

I post a lot about self-soothing and working on needing reassurance. And while it’s important to do, it doesn’t mean that’s how it always has to be.

I try self soothing first. Sometimes with my best friend, I know my feelings at her aren’t her fault. It’s something small that’s triggered insecurity even though I know it’s not rational. And I try to deal with the feelings myself first. But sometimes I can’t. And it’s okay.

In these cases, I usually go to her. I’ll tell her “I know it’s not rational and it’s not your fault. But I’m having feelings about x, y and z”. If possible, I’ll tell her what I’m looking for (like reassurance).

She’s always very happy to offer me that reassurance. She knows that I’ve come so far and worked hard and if she can reassure me, she’s often happy to in order to make it easier for me.

I’m going to share my most recent example under the read more for a real life example of how I applied this.

But my overall point is that it is absolutely okay to ask for reassurance and sometimes you need to. It’s just important to do it in a healthy way.

A few weeks ago, she was overwhelmed and busy. I offered to watch her dog for her while she was working. I didn’t get a response back because she was thinking about it.

And then I found out someone else was watching her dog.

I felt a lot of confusing emotions. I felt angry. I also felt insecure, like she didn’t trust me. I was frustrated at her and the person now watching her dog. I felt jealous.

I used skills to try and cope with these feelings. I didn’t lash out at her. I tried using logic to suggest alternatives to myself. Perhaps it wasn’t personal that she picked someone else. Maybe it was for logistical reasons. It was probably just easier for her.

I tried to sleep on it, but the feelings were growing. No matter what coping skills I used. Sometimes, the coping skills don’t work to self soothe or talk myself through it.

I was feeling annoyed for small things and I knew that it wasn’t her fault. She hadn’t done something wrong. But I decided to talk to her about it. I didn’t want the feelings growing and causing issues and they weren’t going to sort themselves out.

Here are copy and pastes from our actual conversation :

Me: My explanation for feeling hurt is that **** told me she was taking Storm and I felt hurt because I offered twice and you didn’t respond at all to it. It made me feel like I did something wrong to break your trust. I am really emotionally sensitive right now and I know I’m having an *extremely* heightened emotional reaction to it but I can’t seem to let go of the bad feelings. And I know it’s not your fault. But also it just feels bad and I feel like I need to tell you about these feelings because I can’t let them go on my own. I could really use some reassurance.

Her: That’s so valid.

If context helps you feel less BPD, I was actually trying to figure whether to leave Storm at home or bring her to you but I needed to know my new start time at work with the new schedule before I’d know if I could make the timing work to drop her off with you after the ferry.

Then *** was sad about the breakup with *** and I offered to lend her Storm as an emotional support animal. I know she really struggles with being alone when she is sad. And I decided I could do without my dog temporarily. I can see how it would’ve seemed like I preferred having **** watch Storm.

But your BPD is very valid, I probably would’ve felt the same way under the circumstances. I hope you have a great day and I hope you know I love you. Also that I think you’re great with dogs and would have 100% wanted you to watch Storm this week.

-

( The name of the person watching her dog are blacked out for privacy reasons.) While she didn’t need to share the context, she chose to do that so she could better offer reassurance. I also want to point out that she validated my feelings. My emotional reaction was heightened but she still validated me. She also then offered reassurance for my specific concern (that I wasn’t trusted). She was patient and understanding. I was valid to need reassurance but her reaction to it was super valid and why it felt so safe to seek reassurance from her.