#ok i will allow myself a little angry. as a treat ?

[absentmoon]

grabs myself. you WILL relax

[didi-champleve]

OK so it has come to my attention that I am *shock horror* finally just the teensiest bit ready to explore the prospect of romance again.

here's the catch: I'm - for want of a better word - yearning for the kind of romance that just happens. that wordless all knowing all encompassing stuff of novels love that I know is pretty silly and unattainable.

but it's not because I have my head in the clouds; it all boils down to a desperate need to feel the kind of wanted and desired that I don't or can't question.

I'm pretty scarred, a life time of feeling not enough for anyone will do that I guess. but I also think I'm pretty decent at working at getting better even if it's a tiny little bit at a time. so if I'm gonna be able to open myself up to anyone... I have some work to do.

First and foremost - being able to say what I want and need, without expecting the other person to 'just know'.

now this can be contentious... I've had so many people put me down for hoping beyond hope that they would try just that little bit more, understand the person I am, and use their observation and understanding of me to make me feel wanted and special and loved. I will never not want this. I try and do this for others and it really really hurts to not have someone understand or want to do this too without being asked. it's not a tit for tat thing... its just a... I want to be with someone who wants to make me happy just like I want to make them happy kind of thing.

but that aside... I'm gonna put a bunch of stuff down here. stuff that I find hard to say or ask. then I'm gonna bury it under a pile of smut and only have the link to it in my pinned.. because only someone who is interested in the cheesey and romantic comment should be reading this anyway.

I know that's not the solve. far from it... I know this isn't how relationships work... I know the likelihood of finding those right someone/s is slim. but it's a start of me accepting that I have to be able to share far more of these wants and needs if I'm ever going to have a shot at experiencing them with people.

OK so here goes.

First me...for context. I'm really kinda average and for the most part I like it that way. I sometimes oscillate between Holy fuck I am the TITS and wow what an awful excuse of a human being. I have a broken brain and that makes me sad sometimes. I'm passionate about some things, angry often about the world we live in, and am desperate to find 'home' and feel safe and whole and calm. I can be a little difficult for sure, I often think I'm right, I used to be smart and snippets of that remain, I love to cook and bake and share it with others because it's the easiest way to tell people they matter. I overthink because of anxiety but also because its safer than action. I don't like crying and I will hide it from you if I can. I like being creative but am my own harshest critic. I love my mum and if she doesn't like you it's going to be an issue. I have always always found it super hard to make close friends. I have a lot of good acquaintances but only a very small handful of friends. I will always struggle with my body. I am so tired of being strong... I just want to be treated gently.

I want... what I want has changed significantly over the years. I have had 3 significant relationships and they each had their drama and learnings. but these are things that I have always and think I will always want...

I want to be asked. I find it so hard to share unprompted. People think I'm quiet but the second someone is clearly interested and asks and allows me a little space I will talk and share and it will make me feel even more excited to ask you back. I want to share myself so much..and I want you to care when I do. I can also be kinda funny, no promises but if our humour matches I will do everything I can to make you giggle.

I want to be touched just coz. that whole 'touch is a love language' yeah you need to be fluent. I want that - we're sitting on the train together and your arm is around me but without thinking your hand wanders to find that little soft spot behind my ear caressing it and down my neck just because...yaknow? that... all you are doing is scooching past me to grab something but you're gonna take the opportunity to squeeze my butt just coz.

whilst I come across as sex obsessed its because I kinda am. I love sex. all aspects of it though. I know once some people get into relationships this can plateau. but if I'm horny for you likelihood is I'm gonna keep being horny for you... I need someone who is the same. it is heartbreaking when libido doesn't match...and no I'm not saying like every single time has to be a 100% match... we're people not sex dolls. but generally it's gotta be more rather than less

OK this one is gonna seem materialistic... but.. flowers.. pressies.. thoughtful dates.. yeah I love all that kinda thing. it shouldn't be just for occasions - birthdays, anniversaries... i hope it's more like - I needed to make you smile today. I saw this and thought of you. I saw this activity and wanted to do this with you. I knew this would make you happy... and yes absolutely I want to do the same for you. and it's not about money I swear... it could be a little unexpected note, it could be finishing xyz extra fast because you wanted to spend extra time with me. I think this one comes down to actions do often speak a hella lot louder than words.

the last one (for now, there may be more I have to add as edit we'll see) is a bit weird. I may... need you to fight for me a little... against my own stupid brain and tendency to self sabotage. this is bad I know and the one on here I know I really really need to work on... but I may put up a barrier, just to see if you want me enough to over come it. its the most frustrating awful thing. but at least I'm aware of it 🤷🏾‍♀️🤦🏾‍♀️

welp... that was kinda cathartic to write out.

next step... I'm probs gonna redownload one of the dating apps... and change the 'absolutely casual only thank you' to 'maybe, just maybe'

wish me luck?

✨🫣✨

[lovearne]

Silence

Juice (Juan Carlos Ortiz) x male! Reader

My page is 18+ only. I don't tolerate minors here. This is my safe place to express myself, and I don't consent to minors viewing my works or my blog.

Warnings: silent treatment (kinda), homophobic views (not really specified), sad theme (kinda), juice is a big old softie who wants to be babied by his boyfriend

5 days. You'd not seen your boyfriend in 5 days.

He'd not wanted to tell anyone, especially anyone in the club. He didn't know how they'd react to him being gay. Well, he doesn't know his sexuality for sure anymore. Before he'd started dating you, he thought he was straight. Turns out he's not. 

He's terrified to use a title for his sexualtiy because then it makes it real. Makes it a lie to the club, because as far as he knows, the club doesn't allow gays in the MC. 

He's normally radio silent for a few days during a run, but this? This was different. This was yards different. He'd been scheduled for a hearing, and then disappeared. You'd went downtown and asked around about him and the club, the only answers You'd gotten were from a still grieving and tortured Chief Unser, he mumbled a few things and waved you off.

"No, chief you don't understand." You tired to plead with him. 

"I understand just fine." He interrupts you. "I'm not helping the sons, and I don't know where they are." You nod.

"Can I file a missing person's?" The chief's eyes narrow a little at you.

"And what exactly is your affiliation with the club?" You smile uncomfortably.

"I'm just a worried friend. And customer. I went by the past couple of days and I haven't seen anybody. I'm worried more about Juan Carlos, he's not the most mentally stable and I'm afraid after the events of Kip's funeral, he did something to himself." Unser sighs.

"OK, we'll send a patrol out to do a wellness check. Check things out." His face changes, putting on a small fake smile as he rubs your upper arm. "Don't worry son, I'm sure he's fine."  He makes eye contact and for a second, a spilt second you thought he'd maybe knew. "I'm sure he's like your brother, everyone has one close to them." He definitely didn't know. Your shoulders fell, you'd thought, maybe, just maybe you'd be able to confide in one person about your life. "The boys will take care of him. I'm sure he'll call you when he's free to look at your car." You sigh frustratedly, getting up and storming out of the police station. 

You walked your way back, to angry to be able to drive properly. You don't understand why you weren't getting answers, didn't understand why Juice was so afraid to tell people that he loves you. If straight people can love publicly, then why can't gay people? 

On the walk back to your house, their clubhouse came to view, you seen a few of the guys, seeing of the men you know well enough, you wave, he gestures you to come onto the property. He calls your name fondly, the dirty blond man beside him furrowing his brows.

"Who the hell is that guy?" Tig casts him a glare and moves to give you a half hug. 

"This is juicey boys best friend, they go way back." Tig then looks at you. "You come here looking for him?" You nod.

"Yeah, he doesn't normally dodge me like this, got worried." Tig nods in understanding. 

"It's a club matter, so I can't tell you where he is." You nod.

"I know all about club business being kept. Just tell me if he's alive?" Tig and the man, look at each other and then back at you. Tig nods, you smile. "I'm not going to ask, but thanks for letting me know." He nods again, putting his hand on your shoulder. This is the second time a man older than yourself has placed his hand on you like a dad would to a son. You guessed, since it's in the name of their MC, the older men treat the younger men like sons.

"Your friend is gonna be just fine." He squeezes your shoulder and then moves to leave. The words burn on your tongue as you hold them back. You weren't friends, you were lovers.

The next day, you received a call from Juice, you ignored it.

A shuffle and dip of your bed wakes you in the middle of the night, looking at your clock, it reads 2:00, it's very late and very early all at once. You smile slightly at the disagreements you'd had with your boyfriend about the terminology, they were mostly conversations you'd had high and dumb, way before the two of you got together. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you." He sounds tired. "Been a rough few days." You turn your head, trying to avoid this conversation, pretending to go back to sleep. You hear Juice sigh. You feel him shuffle on the bed, taking off his shoes and jeans, you heard his sighs and grunts as he moves. You still just laid beside him, you didn't want to fight, you wanted to be glad he was home, safe. You relax a little as you feel him spread out on the blanket beside you, desperately longing to reach for him, yet he's still so far. You want to initiate cuddles and tell him how much you've missed him. But the radio silence hurt. So you stay laying as you are, not too long later you feel his hand on your shoulder, his body leaned over yours slightly. 

"I know you're asleep, and you won't hear this. But I want to tell you anyway, because my mind is so, it's just so goddam loud." He leans closer and places a soft kiss against your temple. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was leaving, and I'm sorry for not answering or returning your calls. I'll tell you this in the morning. I'm planning on sticking here with you tomorrow, we can spend the day together. I still have to do my jail time, so I wanna soak up as much time as possible with my pretty boy." He places another kiss on your bare shoulder. 

"Cuddles?" You couldn't help but say something. The  so thick in your throat that the word came out deeper than you intended. You could hear your boyfriend's excitement as he shuffled under the blankets, feeling his hips make contact with your ass, and his arms wrapped around you, face pressed into your neck. You felt at home. He was here with you, and nothing was going to come between you. 

[nothing0fnothing]

So this one day its Christmas time, like 2 days before Christmas eve. We are in the holiday home in the Lake District celebrating. I wake up first and make a snack for me and my little sister, my stepdad wakes up angry and my sister refuses to to admit she ate the snack. So it looks like I made two snacks for myself.

Basically, one thing lead to another and I ended up getting pushed hard down the carpeted basement stairs. I end up bruised and friction burned all down my back and legs and I hit my head on the wall at the bottom of the steps. I was fine, but I cried anyway, even though I tried not to.

My mum wakes up to see what's going on and finds me in a heap, alone in the basement, sobbing. Her other daughter is at the top of the stairs in her pyjamas, asking me over and over if I am ok. Her husband is pacing the house and screaming in a rage, hung up on the breakfast pastries and whipped cream I ate this morning. All of the dresses that were picked out for me the next 3 days don't cover the bruises. She goes into a panic, because the Jones's and their two children, who are holidaying next door, will be over in 40 minutes for brunch and I am inconsolable.

But, I get my shit together and stop crying, put on the trousers my mum hands me and behave myself all brunch. I sit quietly with the adults because I'm not allowed to play alone with the kids. The loud and drunk mrs Jones comments that I'm quiet as a mouse today, my eyes dart around the table like a bunny in headlights and quietly assure her that I'm fine. She seems satisfied with my answer. My parents not so much.

We go out for a wander that afternoon and every time I glance into a shop window my mom is harsh and hushed. Yanking my arm hard, squeezing my fingers so I can't let go, snapping "no" into my ear.

I wasn't even asking for things, I was looking with the other kids. In all honesty I was too shook up even hours later to really want something, but the displays in the rich people shops were lit up in fairy lights and staged beautifully, I just wanted to stand with the other kids and see.

"She's alright, she's just looking" said the meek Mr Jones. He was often kind to me and he had noticed I was being singled out all day I think. How every time I went to play with the others I was loomed over by a parent, arms crossed, eyes on me, till I politely excused myself and went where the grown ups were. Mrs Jones was a police officer who wasn't very astute. Mr Jones was a service worker who was.

"Looking leads to wanting and wanting leads to asking, Tim." My stepdad joked, making a show of gently pushing me away from the window his hands pressing right in one of my fresh bruises. Maneuvering me away from the three other children whose faces were shining in the light of the impressive Christmas display.

I had a horrible, sick feeling inside. That my punishment wasn't the hit or the bang on the head or the push down the stairs or the screaming or the raging or anything that happened this morning after i made breakfast. It is this. It is smiling even though I'm being hissed at and pretending I don't mind being pulled away from my friends. It is standing up straight and walking evenly even though my clothes are heavy and the seams are bulky against my tender brusies. It is being treated different and singled out and pushed in the cold when I'm already in so much pain. It's knowing that everyone else knows I'm being punished and nobody beleives me.

[cwritesforfun]

Rafe x Fem!Reader: Pining

UHHHH LOL Here is part one - read for context. Ending with Kie - linked here If you don’t want to read it, basically Y/N dated Sarah who was a toxic gf and was jealous of how close Y/N was to Kie as well as Rafe. Rafe liked Y/N and was nice to her. 

Masterlist 

Rafe’s POV 

Being in love with my sister’s best friend has its pros and cons. Pro, I get to see Y/N all the time and talk to her. Con, Sarah is always hanging off her and they practically never part each other’s side. Pro, Y/N likes tequila and I like tequila. Con, Sarah dated Y/N and they broke up, so there is no more Y/N at our house. I honestly had no idea that they were together until I saw them fight at the beach and Sarah got very drunk before I drove her home. Sarah drunkenly told me that they had been dating for awhile and hiding it due to her reputation as the Kook Princess. She talked a lot about them as a couple and as friends. What I seem to gather is that Sarah cared more about her vanity than someone she loved. That sucks. Sarah will always be the golden child who everyone is expected to revolve around and care for. I don’t want to reach out to Y/N because I don’t want push my friendship with her and I am related to her ex, so she might need space from our whole family. 

1 year after part one... Rafe’s POV

I need coffee. My head hurts and I’m dying. Coffee is the cure. I see a coffee shop around the block and I park behind it. 

I stroll inside and as I wait in line to order, I see Y/N behind the counter taking orders. Oh shit I haven’t seen her in a year. I suddenly wish I was wearing something better than this. God, why does life hate me?

It’s my turn to order and Y/N smiles when she sees me. She says “Hi Rafe. Good to see you again. Welcome to The Beachside Café. What can I get started for you today?” I answer “I just wanted a coffee, but those pastries look really good.”  She replies “Do you still drink a black coffee or do you add creamer now?” I answer “Yeah, I still drink black coffee.” She asks “Do you want me to pick your pastry? You seem a little under the weather.” I smile and say “I would like that very much, thank you.” She says “Okay then, your total is $6.65 today. Will you be paying with cash or card?” I answer “Card, thanks.” She replies “Great, the card reader is ready for you.” I pay and she says “Thank you for your purchase. Your coffee and food will be ready at the end shortly.” I nod and walk off to wait. 

Would it have been to forward of me to ask when she is off next? I want to see her and talk to her. I still really like her. 

Y/N calls my name for food and drink causing me to walk up to her. I take it from her and ask “Hey, when are you free next? Can we talk?” Y/N answers “I get off at 1 pm today. We can talk then.” I reply “Ok, I’ll meet you here at 1. Thanks for the food and coffee.”

Y/N’s POV

What could Rafe possibly have to say to me? I hope he’s not talking to me on behalf of Sarah. I do not want to see her or talk to her anytime soon. I still am so angry at her for how she treated me and I’m angry at myself for allowing that. 

I was distracted for the rest of my shift focusing on Rafe. I don’t like it. 

I change and leave work. I see Rafe leaning against his jeep looking at his phone. He actually showed up. He must really want to talk.

I walk up and say “Hey uh... so you’re here.” Rafe looks up, smiles, and says “Yes I am. I missed you in my life, Y/N.” I reply “I missed you too, Rafe.” He replies “I brought us a lunch picnic because I figured you’d be hungry after work... I really liked the pastry you picked for me by the way.” I smile and reply “I’m glad you liked it. A picnic sounds great. I am starving.”

We walk to the beach and we lay down the big towel. We sit and Rafe unloads the picnic basket. He exclaims “This last thing I brought for us to share ... it’s kind of a silly joke for us...” He pulls out a flask and says “I brought us each a shot of tequila because tequila is always there for us.” I crack a smile and answer “You’re so right. Rafe, pour me a shot with a cherry on top please.” He smiles and hands me a shot. We throw them back at the same time and I say “Damn that is burning. Ok what is there to eat?”

We spend the beginning of our lunch just talking about our lives recently, my work, and stuff like that. It’s really nice to catch up with Rafe. I feel bad that I ghosted him after everything went down, but I couldn’t look at one of the any member of the Cameron family.  

Eventually, I ask “Does Sarah know we’re hanging out?” Rafe asks “Should she?” I answer “No offense, I know she’s your sister, but I don’t want to see her. She broke me and it hurt to recover. I don’t think I can emotionally handle that.” He replies “Just so you know, I heard her side and I think she was in the wrong. She always think she’s right and that the world revolves around her. It was good for you to put her in her place even if it broke you. You didn’t deserve her. You deserve someone who doesn’t hide you and someone who celebrates you for loving them so openly.” I smile and say “Thanks for saying that, Rafe. You know, I said something like that to Sarah about you when we broke up.” Upon his confused face, I tell him the break-up story from my perspective.

Rafe exclaims “Thank you for saying that about me. I always do try to be open and honest about who I am. I’m unafraid of being who I am even if people don’t like who I am.”  I smile and say “And that’s why I’ve always been close to you. I really like that about you.”  Rafe says “And would it be too forward of me to say that I really like you?” I ask “So you still like me?” His eyes grow really big and he says “Still... Did you know I liked you back then?” I answer “Yeah, Sarah told me that you liked me and that was why you were so kind to me.” He replies “Great, I hate that she told you. This sucks.” I reply “Would it help if I said that I liked you too?” He sighs and answers “Only if it’s real.” I place my hand on his and say “It is real. I like you, Rafe. I really enjoy spending time with you and you’ve always been special to me and...” I’m interrupted by a kiss on the lips. 

[bitterrobin]

list of the character dynamics I plan on writing for the TAXONOMY!verse. Mostly here in order to remind myself of the ideas I have.

Bette Kane/Tom Bronson

Have they ever interacted in canon? no. Will I still create a crack ship that probably no one else will like? yes. Unfortunately my brain has latched onto them, so expect to see more of them in the au.

Neither of them are the type to be open with their real feelings, but are casual with intimacy. Maybe a little too easy with it, but they understand each other's need. Bette is straightforward, determined. Tom avoids personal conversation, especially about himself, but he's very observant. They both will feel something, both will side-step and redirect. Bette is inherently lonely, Tom always feels out of place. It takes a while before they actually confide in each other. Tom is still mourning Grant and the idea of what could have been, Bette is tired and lost and still figuring out what to do with her life when so many others reject her resolve. Bette needs to be a hero, needs to feel like she has a purpose. Tom never wanted to be a hero, but he needs the company that being one provides. Gotham is a terrible place to land when you're hurting, but they make the most of it. (Also they have a terrible child to co-babysit on top of all of this.)

Bette Kane, Damian Wayne

Bette takes none of his threats or jabs seriously. Damian is horrified that they're related. Bette loves Damian bc he's somewhat easier to communicate with than other children (who act their age) but also he's a bundle of nerves and trauma - so she's still careful and and little bewildered. She lets him have space, but she's always ready to pay attention to him at the drop of a hat bc no one did when she was a child. She respects his opinion, and tries to reason with him. Because Bette has only heard of the League, not become involved with it, she's able to have a less biased view on his childhood. Damian is aghast at her supposed ignorance. He does not recognize her strength of character. He's used to the fearful or emotionally closed women of the League. In the end, Bette recognizes that she has to set limits and boundaries and Damian learns to accept a life with a degree of normalcy.

Bette is sad to see him go, but she knows how important a name like Robin is. She wants Damian to find purpose on his own, but she leaves him the gift of "normal things" like sports and acting.

Tom Bronson, Damian Wayne

Damian will say the most gory threat imaginable, Tom will reply: "haha ok, little buddy" they are one step away from duking it out. Tom simultaneously thinks of Damian as a little brother and a pain in the ass. But they're not related, so Tom will not feign complete responsibility over him. He observes and waits, wipes his hands clean and sets him loose. Maybe he dispenses harsh truths once in a while, maybe he cuts too deep once. Damian will return the favor. Tom allows himself to be vulnerable rarely, and explains absent fathers and mothers who are there and then gone too soon. Damian reluctantly sees himself, and hates it. Tom recognizes his sarcasm as an emotional outlet similar to his own, and encourages every insult Damian makes. Maybe its too enabling, but frankly Tom doesn't care. Let the kid be an asshole once in a while, as a treat. You do not want to be on the receiving end of both of their ire.

Tom gives him a kitten as an inside joke, an acknowledgement of his personal growth - before Damian goes to live with the new Batman and become Robin.

Damian Wayne, Chris Kent

Way more plausible than the one above. I am a Jon Kent hater. I fully believe in the made up interactions in my head between these two kids instead. Everyday I cope and seethe that they never interacted in canon bc they were introduced so close together!! in 2006!! They have so many parallels and interesting conversations to be had! Damian is angry that Chris is allowed to move on from his trauma. That Clark and Lois are able to give him closure, when Bruce is dead and Talia needs to stay separated from him. He is angry that he will forever suffer the what ifs because he can never confront his grandfather or parents the way Chris did with Zod and Ursa. Chris cannot fathom taking out his anger on other people. He can't imagine pushing others away because he was always alone in Fort Rozz, he wants a family. He is horrified of this aggressive boy, but he's still kind nonetheless. Maybe punches are thrown initially, but in the end they understand each other in small ways other people just can't. They are not their parents, but some people can't look past that. Chris forever denounces his biological parents, Damian is shackled by their expectations and the weight of their romance turned into a battle of wills.

Maybe in the future it'll become a ship but that's a long way off. It would need way more development, more time in-between fics, and Damian needs to mature and figure things out. Their potential friendship is more important than anything romantic.

Cassandra Cain, Jason Todd

Mostly here bc of differences in philosophy, they're the central conflict surrounding the idea of Batman. Cassandra doesn't care about the city, she cares about the people. No one dies. Ever. Not in her watch. She could care less about complicated morality, because if she could change (she, the murderer, the sinner) then everyone can. Batman is not about Bruce Wayne, it is about saving everyone who can be saved. Bruce is the ideal, but Cassandra is better. She wins, no matter what. Batman is instinct, action and duty. Jason cares about the city, this wretched place where he was born. The people are negotiable, ranked and categorized by his own arbitrary rules. You are good, or you are an evil that must be wiped out. Batman is tied to Bruce Wayne, it shouldn't be. It is about controlling Gotham. Batman holds the reins, anything that happened on his watch is Bruce's fault - Jason will be better. Batman is planning, watching, and culling. Both can be right, both can be wrong. They were messy and complicated. They need to beat each other senseless before they can reach a conclusion. Cassandra gains Batman, and Jason gains a fragile understanding.

[the-sunroom-system]

the worst thing is how i used to be v loving and caring, but all the trauma made me unable to stay that way, so it split off from me, and now italy is the one who can access those feelings, but i can't. sometimes i'll get bursts of compassion but mostly i'm very self-interested, like i want the best for ppl but i struggle to muster up caring if it doesn't concern me in some way, and it makes me feel like such a shitty person, esp w/ the way people treat ppl like that. ughhhhhhh. i was always praised for being sweet and loving, but i'm not that way anymore, really. i act sweet and loving, but are the feelings there? ehh... hardly. i know i want to care about people, but i feel very little. i think people are cute and silly and i enjoy them truly, but the empathy... is just gone. bad things happen and i'm like ok. i may feel sad for them and put myself in their shoes but. idk. it's just Different from how it used to be. it's like the compassion is stunted even if the empathy is present. nobody ever cared abt me, so i feel bitter when it comes to caring abt others. i'm blocked from it. i don't want to get sucked in to anyone else's problems anymore when nobody cares about mine. the only thing that will get a true reaction out of me is when i see injustice, then i'll get outright angry on behalf of the person and protective over them. but softness? gone. something i have to mask. unless italy comes forward and allows access to that softness and care again.

i don't think anyone talks abt this for systems much. i hate not being able to truly care abt people anymore. i'm glad it still exists within me but i hate that i can't access it. i guess it's bc i went through so much trauma and always had a habit of caring TOO much and being TOO empathetic so it split off from me so. u know. i could actually continue being the host, even if no longer the same alter given all the fragmentation and integration with parts i wasn't ready to integrate with.

[carnivoraformes]

//So this is one part theory and speculation, one part headcanon but seeing as most of this will be based off my (probably incorrect) observations and assumptions written as casual ramblings that I choose to label as headcanons. Also so I don't have to go through the effort of making a theory specific banner thing and because I intend to treat this post as more about exploring his possible mindset. PERSONALS DNI!

So firstly, before I start rambling like the idiot I optimistically label myself as because I actively choose to laugh at my own shortcomings let me establish one thing: I absolutely refuse to believe that Robin is dead (and no I will not differentiate between spiritual death and physical death because death is death as far as I'm concerned).

From a narrative perspective I would have loved Robin dying for real (don't @ me because she is one of my muses, I'm a masochist and have other reasons that are irrelevant to this post).

ANYWAY with that established I have two different trains of thought that are both likely on a collision course with one another in the form of canon proving both are wrong somehow.

1st. He knows Robin isn't dead and it is a ploy, possibly to lure out whoever her attempted attacker was or something similar to basically get to the bottom of this or because they know she was being targeted. I won't bother thinking to hard on the fine details of what they might be hoping to gain because this theory might be wrong anyway.

2nd. He doesn't know and she faked it on her own, so he believes she is dead despite the fact she is alive and doing something else or was taken for blackmail purposes. Why? Your guess is as good as mine and speculating 'whys' to that question isn't what this post is about. So moving on...

I will start by saying if I were to put money on which one I think is more likely to be correct I would say the first. Sunday was to casual about Sparkle imitating his 'dead' sister for me to buy it. What I like more though, is the 2nd, because again, I am masochist and that could be a fun idea to explore. Don't @ me, or do, I don't care.

So, that brings me to what the post is about: where is Sunday's mind set during all of this?

If the first guess is correct, then in theory, his mindset is fixated solely on keeping up an act in an act. The top layers being him trying to pretend everything is going perfectly, while still be very much under alot of pressure not only to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING with probably very few clues in Penacony's version of fucking Clue where ANYONE could be the snake in the grass with the only people presumably innocent being the Astral Express and Misha but also make sure everything literally goes perfectly. And beneath that putting up an act of a grieving brother to the few that might be aware his sister is dead along with Firefly.

That is a hell of alot of pressure to put on someone, but would also explain his calm reaction to Sparkle's act, that even for someone in his position seems cold considering he at the very least seems to holds some love for his sister. Especially with all the context. UNLESS, he knew she wasn't dead in the first place and at the time was too tired, mentally exhausted and angry to care and he was only playing her game for a little while before abruptly making it clear he was done with her shit.

The second option, being that he isn't aware (which I think is more fun, especially if she faked her death of her own free will, which while unlikely, sounds fun ok) but unless she was kidnapped and someone else faked her death as a bargaining chip or something for some other reason seems less likely (to me) especially since it seems like this is an IPC plot.

But instead of a brother that knows his sister is safe is having to push his grief for his dead sister and an another innocent woman off to the sidelines because he had a role to play. He couldn't be upset, he wasn't allowed to grieve because he was just a tool for the Family and he exists solely to pursue the best interest of the Family and grieving her would tip astute or nefarious parties off that something wasn't right.

In this light he has even more pressure on his shoulders because of the death of a woman he loves and a woman he didn't weighs heavily on him, but also knows there is a legitimate threat, while scrambling to figure out just how they are going to cover up his baby sister's death during the Charmony Festival when she is the star act and literally everything else he likely has going on behind the seems.

It does make Sparkle's interaction with him more interesting, though, because in this light it really is a slap in the face. She not only reveals she knows his sister died but believes he either is incapable of differentiating his sister from a fake (which may or may not be more insulting depending on how you want to look at it) or is just rubbing it in that she is not only dead but he is utterly desperate because of the position he is now in.

At that point it stops being like pouring salt in a wound, but digging up someone's grave just to spit in their face then set that body on fire and putting the footage on only fans.

And he is expected to act calm and collected despite a normal person would absolutely lose it, when at the end of the day HE IS STILL HUMAN-ISH. He is being pushed hard by the Family and possibly his own perfectionism and every waking and nonwaking moment just throws one more massive 'fuck you' in his face and he is just expected to be polite and fucking calm when he has every right to absolutely fucking lose it.

Either way you look at it, Sunday proved just how dangerous he is by the end of his cutscene with Sparkle because either way how he seemingly goes from being genuinely very polite and friendly like we saw earlier to saying he has every intention of fighting for the Watchmaker speaks volumes.

Whatever the watchmaker is pursuing is up in the air for my little pea-brain but that change in Sunday's tone gives the feel of 'the calm that hides a storm' or a keg of explosives in a firework factory situated a little to close to a furnace. He isn't a man that has nothing to lose, he is a man with EVERYTHING ON THE LINE. That is dangerous, that is someone easily pushed to being calculating and full of rage and likely to be easily pushed towards violence at the right time.

[charmingbrute]

ok you win, Ignore the last one pls, do [ LOVE ] for ares instead >:3c

[ LOVE ]:     the writer begins the first of a series of love letters to the recipient.

Beloved Hythlodaeus,

How goes the life of the Bureau of the Architect's Chief? Engaging, I hope. You have been in my thoughts, for all the good it has done me since I have left. To my surprise, I cannot help but worry about your well-being. You've been direly missed and I truthfully wish I could be there with you as we were before.

Not to take away to the root of the matter. I must mention that I am alarmingly concerned about your habits and routines of late. Allow me to ask, have you been taking care of yourself properly? Are you eating well and getting sufficient rest? It's effortless to get caught up in work and our responsibilities. Likewise, there is also value in prioritizing your health and peace.

I'm here, far as I am at present. I shall support you amidst the distance and help you in any way possible for myself. I desire for you to be at your absolute best and nothing less. If it's within my power, it will be done. So, take this as a firm reminder to look after yourself. No, it is not a request. When I return, I will know if you have not done so.

Your laugh in my mind ever comforts me, Ares

-

One and Only Hythlodaeus,

It has been some time since my last letter. You'll have to forgive me as I haven't been able to conjure them in regular intervals due to my presence being in so demand. Believe you me, it is not a boast. I am honestly finding it troublesome. Still, your dearly occupied Ares has found a moment to tell you that you still mean a lot to me. Always in my mind do you wander tirelessly with your silly, little feet.

Yesterday, as I was familiarizing myself through a field so distant from home, I came across a beautiful flower. It was a perfect example of grace and beauty, and who else would it remind me of but you? Just like this aforementioned flower, you bring brightness and color to my life. You are a fine breath of fresh air in a world that can sometimes be dull, painful to live through and monotone.

The way the sun shone upon this precious flower was akin to your smile lighting up a room. Your laughter like the soft rustling of leaves, and your gentle touches alike the gentle breeze which caressed the petals. A symbol of hope, joy, and love amidst this barren place. You are this flower upon the field.

You must always know that you are loved and appreciated by me. The happiness and beauty you naturally bring into my life is to not be underestimated, and I cannot be aught but grateful for it. You know me. I do not believe in such a thing as luck, but if I were a lucky man, your being mine is the testatement to it. We shall see each other again, you and I.

Sleep early and be not like me, Ares

-

Hythlodaeus,

What is this that I hear that you've been overexhausting yourself in the many days that have passed? I understand very well that you are wholly driven and dedicated to your work, but what did I say in my prior letter about self-care being just as valuable? Your health and well-being. Top prioty or someone will pay for this carelessness of yours.

I cannot express how angry and frustrated I am for your sake. Do not giggle, I know you are making that face right now as you read this and find humor in my scolding. You deserve to have a proper balance between life and work, and to be treated with the utmost respect and dignity. I am aware that you've been putting in long bells and sacrificing your own needs for the sake of the Star. It is not worth it. Listen to me for once. Whatsoever happened to you doing the scolding between us? Must you give me further reasons to abandon my station to teach you a lesson?

I am here for you and I will always support your every decision. However, you cannot expect yourself to reastically do this by your lonesome. Write more letters to me if you must. I ought to help you in any way I am able, whether it is just being a listening or venting ear, or offering to help with your own frustrations. So take a mindful step back and focus on yourself for a change. There'll be none that can blame you. If they do, direct them to me. I have faith in your strength, capabilities and intelligence, but really now? You are making me think of you the more foolish man between us.

Do not make me come home earlier than I must, Ares

-

Sourface Hythlodaeus,

Take that frown off of your handsome face, will you? I've just returned, yet you already appear more tired of me than your responsibilities. I simply wanted to take a moment to speak about our recent conversation pertaining to the shark concepts. I understand that you are exhausted of hearing about them, but I cannot help it, I find them most fascinating!

You might not understand this curiosity of mine with these magnificent creatures, but they have always been a source of inspiration and wonder for me ever since you spoke of the many concepts your colleagues have fashioned. Their strength, agility, variety and intelligence are truly remarkable. It is a gift to this Star!

You're not fond of them, this I know. Still, I would most love for you to give them another chance. Mayhaps we can go to the Words of Mitron and have a closer look of these amazing creations. In time, you'll come to accept their potential and find them as fascinating as we all do. I ask more of your patience and understanding in this matter. I can be a touch enthusiastic about my own interests. Fear not, I promise to respect your feelings and opinions if it truly cannot be changed. I want us to share and partake in each other's interests, not merely tolerate them, different they may be.

You are my beloved and closest friend, Ares

-

'Old Friend' Hythlodaeus

In spite of our time together, you still call me that. So, allow me reciprocate. How goes my old friend? This old friend of yours wanted to take a moment to reflect on our first kiss. Do you recall that day? It was a bright afternoon, and we were sitting on a bench in Amaurot, as old friends are wont to do. The lights were blinding, and the birds were singing, but all I could focus on was you.

As I looked into your most gorgeous eyes, I knew that our lips had to meet. I leaned in, and we have kissed in the most perfect and gentle way ever possible. Such a moment is difficult to forget. If you have, I'll recreate that moment to remind you, for it is the moment wherein I have come to accept that you have stolen my heart. Dirty, little thief, you.

Each time I reminisce about it, I am overwhelmed by the happiness and love that sits within me. You make me want to sing, and every noise in the background becomes a melody dedicated to you. So, how about we make more memories like that, old friend? Our hands clasped together, your skin on mine, and tell me again how I'm your dearest old friend? No, I am not pouting. I find this habit of yours charming in a way.

Your old friend forevermore, Ares

[jojolovenotes]

To reply to your last post, I agree shshsjsh

My most “questionable” F/O choice in the eyes of many is Joshu and I frequently got teased by an old friend group for it

Not to mention most of JoJo Tiktok has Joshu stans in their DNI, which I get because I don’t excuse his actions but I’m allowed to love hims

Everyone acquires their F/Os for reasons personal and unique to them, and most of the time or at least in my case it’s to help cope and feel a sense of comfort. For example, I head canon Joshu as autistic and BPD, both of which are conditions I’m not diagnosed with but highly suspect I have. If anything Joshu is probably undiagnosed too shshsj. I see a bit of myself in him, and it genuinely hurts me to have people, even people I considered friends, call him ugly and pathetic, because he shares a lot in common with me at my core (I’m just better at masking my neurodivergency and my flaws).

I’ve done a lot of bad, pathetic things in my life, and for the longest time I thought there was no point in redeeming myself because I didn’t think I was worth it. I took the love and support my family and peers gave me for granted, and what’s ironic is I didn’t even think I deserved it.

I created Kafumi with the intention of giving Joshu someone who genuinely believed in him. And in turn, he helps Kafumi become a better version of her true self. See, Kafumi’s Stand Babooshka gives her the ability to transform into others via sealed letters. For a while, Kafumi’s goal was to get Yasuho to sign one of these letters so that she could transform into her in hopes that Joshu would finally be able to give and receive love. When Joshu finds out about this, he initially becomes angry. He doesn’t even know why he’s angry, because an opportunity to be with Yasuho *should* be what he wants, right?

He realizes he’s in love with Kafumi, and he wants her to be herself. Trying to be anyone else for love is stupid in his opinion. He rips up the letter and confesses these new and confusing feelings to Kafumi. He realizes that she’s one of very few people in his life that’s never given up on him.

I see myself in both Kafumi and Joshu, to be honest. I want something like what they have, and I realize now that I can be that for myself. And hey, guess what? I’m actually talking to someone irl, and I think it has the potential to become something really healthy and wholesome. If Joshu and Kafumi can find each other, then I can find someone, and I just might’ve! I’m taking this new potential love interest slowly and challenging myself to communicate better in hopes that something blossoms from this little spark I found :3

Uwaaaa this went way off topic to what my reply was supposed to be, but I guess I had the big ol gushies in my heart and had to let it free lolol. Thank you as always for providing a safe space for people to gush, it means the world to me and without a doubt many others! Hope this new year treats us all well, and here’s to memories and moments we’ll make with our F/Os along the way!

Oh gosh, I’m so sorry you got teased for that. That’s exactly the thing though - when people see you like a certain character it’s like they’re quick to judge you for that without even getting to know you. I don’t get it. I think it’s perfectly OK to like a fictional character ESPECIALLY when you state you don’t condone their actions but to just automatically say ‘oh hey you like this character? don’t talk to me’ i just? i dont get it. Sure, I respect if some people are uncomfortable by a certain character, but even then it’s like ok well at least get to know the person before just blocking them. Like, you can just... not mention that character to that person or something.

But yeah, that’s good! Joshu is very happy to have Kafumi! Aw, that’s really lovely that you’re talking to someone IRL... I hope everything works out for you! but no worries haha... but yeah thank you! Hope the new year treats you well too! 

[ayothatskindofhomoofyou]

my friends and i made this for school and got away with it.. how?

Background: children hatch out of eggs instead of being born because they're born over 6 feet tall unless they are a midget. Nobody is between the heights of 3 ft and 6 ft. They live in London in an alternate universe, hence why the people are so abnormal in height and lay eggs.

Setting: A small apartment in alt. London. 

Barnaby Heffley- 6’3 blue eyes and  short brown hair. He wears a black shirt with a brown leather jacket. Bleached blue jeans with little tears in it.His shoes are Nike Air Monarch 4 (his family descends from the Heffley family) short tempered. 

Chloe Heffley- 6’7 woman(her family descends from a group of massive female warriors who succumbed to laziness long ago. The genes remained) who also has blue eyes and happens to be a ginger. She tends to lose herself to emotions quickly.

Prue/Breya/Clemmie Heffley-  2 feet tall, has blonde hair, and Clemmie is the main body, and ate Prue and Breya in the womb. Their ghosts take over Clemmie’s mind and body sometimes, and the parents have just accepted that. Prue is very kind, Breya is very angry and mean all the time, and Clemmie has a strong southern accent.

Barnaby: [enters bedroom and sees soon to be ex-wife crying] [concerned and annoyed] right.. Whas all dis then?

Chloe: [weakly peeks over her shoulder at her soon to be ex-husband] luv… oi don’t know ‘ow long oi can keep doin dis… Our struggle is gettin to the kids…

Barnaby: I know luv.. I’ve been needing to talk to you about this for a while now.. [looks down in disappointment and pinches the bridge of nose]

Chloe: [stands up shakily, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as she turns to face him] Barnaby……. Moi teahs ahe as tuhbulen’ as a ragin queen………….. Oi’m afrai’ , so afrai’ that your tempah will get to Prue, Breya and Clemmie.

Barnaby: YOU KNOW IM TRYING TO-… you know im trying to keep myself under control init. It’s bit hahd 

Chloe: WEWLL AT LEASHTTTTTTT OI DON’ LET MOI ANGAH GE’ TO THE FAMIWLY, BAH-NAH-BEE!!! Oi sweah, youw definition uv TROYIN ISN’ ENOUGH! You can’t even satisfoi moi needs anymowe…..

Barnaby: WEWLL AT LEASHHTTTTTTT OI DONT HAVE AFFAIS WIF BLOODY MIDGETS!!

Chloe: [gasps cutely, placing her petite hands over her heart defensively as she begins to sweat] B-BARNABY. HOW COULD YOU ACCUSE ME UV SUCH A FING. 

Clemmie: [knocks on door] mothur plurse let meh een.

Barnaby: speak of the batty boy.

Chloe: [sighs] Clemmie, dahling, we can’t allow you to entah the room roight now. Mummy and Dahddy are havin a little chin-wag.

Breya: NO I WANT TO BE INSIDE NOW >:(     (idkman *Prue and Clemmie take the wheel* i guess lol)

 Prue/Clemmie: Okayyyyyyy

Chloe: All of you! All three of you, out! [swiftly turns to Barnaby, whispering] help me get the kids out. Now. They do NOT need to be brought into our dispute.

Barnaby: Kids! Out! [motions hands towards the door, pushing them out] go, go, go, go. *sigh*

[whispering] I think we need to.. Take a break.. You clearly don’t want to be with me if you had an affair with a MIDGET smh. You need to check yo self befoe you wrek yoself 

Chloe: [sighs, putting her ear to the door, mumbling to herself] good, they’re gone. [turns back to Barnaby] Barnaby, you just don’t treat me right anymore! You can’t satisfy my wants, let alone my needs! Hell, you can hardly provide for the children anymore! That “midget” treats me way better than YOUUUU ever could! He tells me I’m the fairest of the fair! And you? Why, you’re nothing more than a LECHEROUS PIG! You don’t truly LOVE me anymore, do you? 

Baraby: [looks down at the ground] i- … 

Chloe: “I” what, Barnaby. “I” what? Have you nothing to say for yourself? 

Barnaby: I dont. … I dont love you anymore. 

Chloe: [tears up a little, but blinks away the tears, sniffling harshly] That’s all I needed to hear. This has gone on too long. [turns her back to him]

Barnaby: ok.. Who gets the kids? 

Chloe: They are, quite literally, a package deal. They must decide on their own who they want to stay with.

(chainsaw noises in distance, actually right behind the door)

Barnaby: what the actual hewll is that..?

Chloe: [gasps in surprise]

(one foot of the bottom of the door has fallen)

(raggedy 1 foot tall possessed-by-two-ghosts child children trespasses)

Breya: YYYEEEEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!    TWO BIRTHDAYS!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!

(Clemmie takes over body)

Clemmie: What in tarnation??? Where am I???

(Prue takes the wheel)

Prue: Moemmy, dadday doesnt love you anymore????

Chloe: [the woman was too stunned to speak.]

Barnaby: CLEMMIE!! PULL THROUGH!! THEY’RE TAKING OVER AGAIN!!!

Chloe: YOU’RE STRONG, CLEMMIE!! BE STRONG!! FOR MUMMY!!

Barnaby: Great, now our little tussle is getting to ALL of them! They’re switching up on us like CRAZY!!

Chloe: Oh good heavens. We should have an exorcist sooner. The ghosts of our fallen children have yet to rest peacefully, and now they’re tormenting poor Clemmie!

Clemmie: (autotune southern screaming)

Chloe: Barnaby. We’ll save the paperwork for later. Call GO- nevermind. He’s not enough, contact the queen. We must save Clemmie, but mark my words, Barnaby, we are THROUGH.

Barnaby: ok fine, but we mustn’t waste any tiome.

lmk if you want more of this ;-;

[rosasbasement]

SOooo

Are we writing words or being jealous on the internet? Or is it envy, I forget which one I loved so much. I can’t help myself for desiring the abs on that chick but my Martini intake seems to be more demanding than my desire for a steel set body. I am jealous of your ABStinence and consistency, but I’m going to keep my muscle warm under a small layer of conscious body fat. It’s always been there for me so may as well embrace. Anyhow, getting off the gram for a minute. Not sure what I came here to write about except so many things going through my mind that seem happier to set out on the table and maybe organize a little bit. I’ve had too many angry feelings to consider and this hatred in my heart is set for every commercial break I have, Sooo…

I’m at bar. I love bars. I love dining and I love spending my money and also yours sooo…. I know we’ve been over this but let me remind you. It’s gorgeous in here, so much so that I ordered two martinis at once and I’m going to try and find a solid two paragraphs of substance before these babies set in and then I’m going to make friends and chain smoke until it gets dark and then I will head home and set an alarm for early because I’m in the mood to change my life. Not the night part just the morning part. 

I was trying on night time for size and realized as fun as we are so drunk and dumb, I preferred the meat of the morning and how those fellas looked when they were sober and less horny. Breakfast babes. I’m switching my in take because bored of the night. Maybe I have allowed myself too much freedom? NEVER

I’m angry at some of the men in my life. Many. Sorry. What a bitch aye? Turning so feminist, it’s important. Jesus is calling. Calling me to be this. He’s been concerned about all the misogyny in my life and wants to use me as a conduit and spokesperson for the world to build a more accurate hatred of man and all the things he’s doing to suppress, control or disregard women. Don’t worry men, I will continue to love you through my hatred but let us have a minute to address the bullies with balls in the room because there are so many of them and so many subtle ways in which they take from the women without consideration and in which I am over subjecting myself to.

I would like to raise a toast in the room to every man in my life who has not viewed me as a sexual object. Listen, YES, I’m hot. And so are many things but we learn to contain our drooling and piss without dribbling the toilet, so can we not learn to think about women differently and treat them with a respect you would have for the person who used to wipe your ass? I’m interested in this type of education and feel so damn ok with being a loud mouth about it. What I’ve witnessed and allowed myself to experience has got to change. I’m wanting us to rethink the way we call ourselves men and realize that being a horny beast who takes trash out is only a small amount of all you could become. I believe there’s a lot more you can connect on, feel, learn. You know? Man, I love them so much. I don’t have a good rapport with much of the species but the work is mine and yours. I’ve been educating myself to hopefully gain an understanding of my distain and other women whom society like to regard as bitches. I’m enjoying being called the same but wish to eventually remove the hatred and make room for understanding, empathy and change. 

Um. Martini time. 

I was under a lot of manipulation and my ideas weren’t ideas until a man validated. I think I learned that being raised by a narcissist sort of person with a penis. Why weren’t we both seen and acknowledged and why are your apologies just a way to get out of trouble and not a true repentance. Well, I don’t know. I get change is hard and what you were fed wasn’t necessarily teaching you to hold space for more than your “masculinity”. I was hurt in how you disregarded my opinions and cry for better treatment but I realized at some point that if I was being played it was my own dumb lack of respect for myself and my own causes that are me being bitchy and over sensitive. I would like us to change this dynamic. I would like that. 

So um cigarette?  We could get on the topic of all the females who rejected you or your mother who was shitty but mostly society truly failed you in that part of yourself that had to remain hidden and so hidden that you lost a sense of accuracy and kindness that you hold in your ego but not in your eyes. I would like to pick up where it got left. I was just trying to love you when you wrestled me down and I was trying to love me when you pulled me under and then pushed me out because my personality was too much for your tiny idea of what a woman should be to you. OH and I am too affected. How I’m this nice, how I’m in this backless skimpy dress and it’s for me right? But somehow you think it’s for you. Why did I want your validation in the first place?… oh because I loved you? Or insecure? I did, I do. But my love for you didn’t make you stop staring at the younger, fresher, more accommodating specimen that I used to be and was conditioned to uphold for ever and ever amen. I’m not her anymore. What a joy. 

I liked your spirit, your hand and your deeper voice set. I like when you fixed things and I liked looking up to you. I liked learning from you. I respected your perspective but you wouldn’t hold mine, not for a minute. I liked your leadership and I hated that you couldn’t see mine. I hated that you mocked me for crying or being depressed. I wonder if that’s what you do to yourself. I wonder if society passed you the dilemma because you weren’t born this way, you were taught this way. I’m reaching for quality and care and maturity. You can age all day and that makes you no more to me that raisons in the sun. Fun, good of you. I’m glad you have so much knowledge and so little care. Sarcasm. I want you to find a better way. I want the ones that know to say something. Say something. Defend, hold space, fuck shit up. Channel the rebel to be for and not against. There’s plenty of humanity in you and I’m sorry it’s gotten so repressed. I want you to find it again. Oh baby. Maybe we just needed to be reminded of that. You could do less of yourself and more real substance. 

UM SO

It’s seen enough paragraphs .  You know you don’t have to take this personally if it’s not personal.

[timeoverload]

I have spent a lot of my weekend sleeping but I keep having horribly vivid nightmares. I woke up at 5 because I had another one.

I've had to cut down on smoking a lot (against my will) since the person that was helping me with that is strung out on coke now or something and I don't feel safe going over there anymore. They have changed a lot and I can't trust someone in that state, especially when they have weapons laying around. I don't want to be around that stuff and I'm not going to put myself in a potentially dangerous position just for that. I'm not sure what I'm going to do now but I will probably have to stop entirely since I don't really talk to anyone anymore. I'm pissed that I can't just go to the store and get it myself and I wish it was legal here. It's so much better than drinking all the time and I haven't really wanted to do that either. I don't handle hangovers very well anymore. It's probably good for me to take a bit of a break but I hate it and I'm grumpy. I think that has contributed to me having more nightmares and definitely isn't helping with my pain, appetite, or my mood. I thought I would be more motivated without it too but now it's worse.

I decided to get up and force myself to go to the grocery store this morning since I couldn't fall back asleep. I bought way more stuff than I normally do so hopefully I can get myself to eat more. I like going to the store really early when there aren't very many people there so I don't get overstimulated and feel like I need to rush out of there. I don't feel like I did that much but I'm worn out again. I also feel like I have a migraine coming on. I need to force myself to get more stuff done today and tomorrow. It feels like any time I make any progress, I have to start over again. I'm tired of it being that way.

I greatly appreciate my family letting me live here for free because I would probably be homeless otherwise but I really wish I had a little more room. I really like my bedroom but with all of the stuff in here it feels small and overwhelming. I really miss having my own bathroom and my washer and dryer. It is nice not having to pay rent since I was spending almost $1000 a month on that since I usually ended up having to cover most of it. I like being able to save some money and also buy myself the things I always wanted when I wasn't allowed to spend money on myself without getting in trouble. I've made quite a bit of progress with paying off my debt too.

I guess I've still been feeling a little bitter though because the person who ruined my life has gotten to live comfortably in a brand new place since I left and I have had to struggle to do everything. I'm still angry with his family for treating me like I'm a bad person and spoiling him when they witnessed how he treated me and they were fine with it but I don't think they ever liked me or understood me anyway. They could tell I was traumatized and I wanted to tell them that he hurt me but I couldn't trust them. I also couldn't sleep at night without worrying that he would do something to me while I was unconscious. He was a creep and lacked self-control. He didn't get my permission. He didn't have respect for my bodily autonomy. I remember him insulting my appearance and then later trying to say he was just joking. Apparently no one ever taught him that it's not ok to hit a woman either until I came along. I remember him responding to my panic attacks by trying to wrestle me and pin me down and I had bruises on my arms from trying to get away from him. Sadly that's not the worst thing he did to me. There is a lot of mental illness and violence in his family too. It got to the point where I had to start fighting back and I'm not that kind of person. I didn't like how he and his dad started buying lots of guns and it made me uncomfortable to know there was one in the closet when we lived in the apartment. I don't miss getting screamed at on a regular basis either and getting in trouble for doing anything. Mental illness isn't an excuse in my opinion and he refused to get on medication until after I broke up with him and tried to use that as leverage to get back together but obviously I said no. He also wrote me a 40 page love letter and forced me to sit on the couch while he read it to me after we broke up even after I begged him to stop and was crying. He also went and got tattoos on his arms that matched the color and theme of the ones I have after we broke up because he wanted to match and I thought that was weird. He was just being obsessive and wouldn't leave me alone for a while even when I would ignore him. His mom always hated me too because I "took her son away from her" when he was the one who pursued me initially and wouldn't back off until I decided to date him. It still grosses me out that his dad also tried to sexually harass me on multiple occasions when he was trashed and I was still expected to be around him despite my complaints. I want to warn his current girlfriend about him because I don't want to see anyone else get hurt but it isn't my place to do so. I'm happy he moved on. I don't miss him and I don't care that he's with someone else but I just hope he treats her better than he treated me. I know I wasn't the perfect girlfriend but I spoiled him and did everything he asked me to do and it still wasn't enough. I let him manipulate and control me for so long and I had to relearn how to make decisions for myself. I'm so happy I never have to see those people again. I would never go back. I can't say they never did anything for me but they definitely didn't treat me with respect a lot of the time. I'm really surprised that our last conversation was amicable considering what a nightmare it was trying to get out of there. Lately I have been thinking about all of the bad things that happened to me during the time I spent with him and I know I made the right decision to leave. I don't think he ever truly loved me because that's not how you treat someone you love. I'm so thankful we never had any children together despite him pressuring me to do so. I couldn't imagine trying to raise a child in that environment. It wasn't healthy at all. I spent so long questioning my reality and wondering if I was as evil as he said I was. Unfortunately those memories have been resurfacing in my nightmares and I feel like I need to talk about it because it has been bothering me. I definitely have PTSD from that situation. I'm glad that I feel safe here with my family because I never want to experience that again.

I know I will always have a home here. I know my dad has tried really hard to be patient with me and make me happy and I'm not sure where I would be without him right now. He stepped up and took care of us when my mom couldn't do it anymore while trying to work full time and take care of the house. I know that being a single parent isn't easy. He has a lot of responsibilities and things to worry about and I don't want him to be super stressed out all the time. He doesn't show it but I know he is. I'm thankful that he has helped me take care of the cats too because it has been difficult for me to do anything. I wish I could do more for him and help him more and maybe I will be in a place soon where I am able to do that because he deserves it. He hasn't had an easy life and has worked really hard and I think he needs to take a vacation soon. I definitely feel like I owe him a lot for helping me get my life back.

I just can't wait to get out of this slump because I don't think I have ever been this bad. I know I'm capable and I'm not giving up on myself. I think I am also getting stir crazy because I have been cooped up in here for a long time now. The weather has been really nice lately and I want to go outside more because my vitamin D is extremely low but I don't really like going for walks by myself because of past experiences. I really hope I can get out and do something fun this summer because I really need it. I'm going to enjoy the rest of my day and try to stop thinking about bad stuff so much.

[ellis-in-name]

Chapter 10: When things fall apart

Read on AO3

The game passed by over the course of two or three hours and Abby’s family soon returned to the cliff face, their faces glowing with pride.

              “That was so scary, I thought you were done for Craig.”

              “Oh, shut it Alice, it’s not like you were in any less danger.”

              “Hey! My sister can defend herself better than you can!”

              “Will you all be quiet! We won, but barely, be thankful about that and don’t get full of yourselves.” Abby demanded as they all walked up to me. She looked at me with a smile, “Well, we won, at least we don’t have to run laps.”

              “That’s great.” I state bluntly and left the group, storing my scythe and cloak on my way through the storage room. “I’m going to go get some time alone now that I am free to leave. Later.” I called behind me as I walked through the door. I could hear Abby making a protest but I ignored it. “That’s great that you don’t need me, that I am just someone to be scared of. I don’t care, why should I care?

“Because they’re your family. You should be included in what they do.”

“I didn’t ask for your opinion, shut up.”

              I found myself at the pool of water after wandering aimlessly through Corindell. I sat down on the edge of the cliff and let my mind wander. What can I do get them to trust me? They are all are scared of me, thinking I’ll snap at anytime. Yet, they do trust me, they all allowed me to join their family. Or are they just following Abby’s lead, not really wanting me there but respecting Abby’s wishes?

              “Calian? Is everything ok?” Abby walked up to the edge of the cliff and joined me. “I know you’re probably angry about being excluded, but I hope you can understand that-”

              “Abby, I understand perfectly,” I interrupted. My temper was rising. “You are all scared of me, you all think I’m going to kill you. And you should be. Because soon enough you’re all gonna die. Ripped to bloody little pieces.”

              As the voice in my head began to take control my face exploded into pain as Abby slapped me. “That is not what we meant by leaving you out! We have yet to see how good you are at fighting when you aren't cornered! Don’t you ever dare say that we don’t trust you! We are a family, and we will treat each other like such!”

              I lifted my hand to my stinging cheek. Tears threatened to spill from my eyes. I opened my mouth to apologize when a new voice entered the small cavern.

              “Well look at this, the dog just got in trouble. Is the poor mutt ok? Or does he need another lesson on proper educate?” I looked at Harmon as he walked up to me, but Abby moved in between the two of us. Why does he keep showing up? Because he wants another lesson.

              “Harmon, stay out of this, this is a family matter between me and my new member.”

              “Oh, dear Abby, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you had other feelings beyond excitement and superiority!” Harmon said and with a quick push he sent Abby stumbling over the cliff edge.

              “Abby!” I reached out my arm to catch her but a swift kick to the stomach stopped me. Abby gave a short yelp before she splashed into the water.

              “Now now loyal mutt, you can’t save your owner, she has to save herself, just as you have to do the same.”

              Another kick to the stomach came, and then another, and another. “Well dog? Are you going to defend yourself? Or are you just hoping that I will show mercy! Are you desperate?”

“Desperation.” The word rang through my mind like a church bell. “And in the other corner, we have a nameless wanderer… It’s Desperation!”

As the next kick swung towards me, I grabbed Harmon’s foot and pulled it out from underneath him. As he lost his balance, I used my other hand to pull his second foot and he fell to the ground. In an instant I was on top of him, my hands around his throat.

“You’re right. I am desperate! Desperate to drink your-” My voice stopped as I regained control and I let go of Harmon. “Why do you hate me.” I whispered to him, but Harmon only got up and ran away, screaming in fear. “I am human, just like you.” I whispered as he left.

“Well, that was something else.” I looked at the cliff edge and saw Abby climbing over the edge, a smile on her face as she wrang water from her hair. “Come on, let's go find the others, maybe we can do some group training.”

“But I just lost-”

“Excuses, excuses, you won't get better unless you try. So, let's just have one on one matches and if you get out of hand, we will do something to calm you down. I’ll knock you unconscious if I must.”

“Thanks, I feel so loved.” I replied sarcastically

“Good, because you are.” She said, grabbing my hand and once again and dragged me somewhere in Corindell. We arrived at one of the rings of tents that surround a campfire. “Zoey, Alice! Let's get some practice time in! If anyone else wants to join they are welcome to.” Abby called out and from to separate tents, the twins heads popped out and then shouted in unison

“Yay! Training!” I saw Albert’s head poke out of another tent and with a shake of his head, he slipped back into the tent.

“I’m fixing Craig’s armor, neither of us will be able to go.” I heard him call out.

“Well, I guess that settles it, Zoey, Alice, you ready to go?” Abby said as she received the responses.

“When are we not ready?” Zoey replied, her comment soon followed by Alice.

“We are always ready for some training.”

“Where do we train at?” I asked quietly but my only reply was to have a heavy wooden sword dropped into my hands.

“Right here of course.” Abby said, “Now, prepare to fight, your opponents will be both of the twins.”

“Both of them?” I opened my mouth to continue my question, but a flash of wood and a blooming pain in my side cut me off.

“Hey, keep your eyes on the opponent!” I turned and found Zoey standing with a smile, but Alice is nowhere to be found. I quickly turn around to protect my back, only to receive a sharp sting from Zoey. “What did I just tell you!” I heard Zoey yell from behind me, I turned around and parried an incoming attack, only to receive another from behind me.

“Missed me, missed me, now you have to kiss me!” I heard Alice call behind me. I quickly turn to try and block any incoming attack, and once again, I opened myself to a blind spot.

“And… now you’re dead again.” Zoey said, poking my spine.

“I just can’t protect myself from all sides, it’s impossible.”

“Only if you let it be you idiot. Let me take over and the fight will be over.”

“I am not giving control over to you.” I thought as I put my back to one of the tents. I watched carefully as the twins began to approach me, no longer able to get me from behind. However, to my surprise, Alice dashed forward with a stab, forcing me to step out of way, and straight into Zoey’s sword. I grimace as I’m hit again and swing my sword around to Alice's back, only to find Zoey’s sword in the way. I Jumped away from the two girls trying to try and make distance, but the girls followed me, relentlessly stabbing and swinging.

“You’re going to have to fight back eventually Calian.”

“Especially if you want fewer bruises than a leopard has spots.” I leapt out of the way of another sword stroke and ducked under the following sword swing. I try to make an awkward swing, but my sword flies out of my hand as Zoey knocks it from my weak grip. I stepped to the side as Alice followed in with another stab. In response I stepped forward and lightly punch Alice in the chest as I ducked under Zoeys swing for my head.

“You’re going to have to hit harder than that!” Alice said with a laugh and whacked my ankle with her sword.

An hour passed by in which this evil process continued. By the end, I had numerous bruises, and I was frustrated to no end. However, I managed to stay in control despite the constant chatter in the back of my head.

 I collapsed to the ground breathing heavily and rubbing my over bruised side and sore muscles. The twins began dancing around me, “We felled the beast, we felled the beast.” They chanted as they danced. I fell onto my back with a sigh.

“I honestly don’t know why I continued fighting a losing battle” I said, closing my eyes.

“Begins you’ve got a determination stronger than steel.” Albert said as he walked up to me.

“Watched you for only ten minutes, and you are stubborn in not hurting anyone. That is for sure.” Craig added. The twins burst out laughing.

“Like he ever could hit us in a serious fight, he had trouble hitting us the one time!” Everyone in the camp, even me, started laughing.

“Yeah, but what about when he has to fight for real? What about when it’s no longer practice. Calian will die if he doesn’t fight back when the time comes.” Albert stated and silenced the whole camp.

“I’m sure Calian will be fine” Abby said and helped me to my feet. “Alright, it was a good training session you three but it’s time to go get ourselves food to eat.” Abby called out, walking up to the group. Just as she said this, the dinner bell tolled throughout the cavern. The entire group began to run for the dining hall, so ran after them as every muscle in my body screamed to stop. “Come on Calian! Hurry up!” Abby called behind me.

I’m trying you pushy jerk! It’s not like I didn’t just get the blood beaten out of me for an hour. I thought as I pushed myself harder, trying to catch up with the group. Even with my struggling I ended up being the last person to arrive at the table. I collapse into my chair, and sigh. “Why must we run everywhere? Why can’t we walk? Walking is so much nicer, a lot less painful too.” I said breathless, and the entire table chuckled.

“Don’t be so dramatic Calian.” Abby said, lightly hitting my arm. “We could make you get the food tonight.”

“No thank you.”

“Well, in that case it’s Zoey’s turn.” Alice chimed in.

“It is not! It’s your turn!”

“No, it was my turn yesterday!”

“Girls!” Abby called, “Both of you do it!”

“Yes Ma'am!” The twins said in unison and left for the kitchen door. They soon came back with a variety of dishes, and the feast began after Michael spoke a few words. Dinner was as it had been the night before, stories passed around, laughter flowing freely, and food aplenty. However, soon things fell to chaos.

“Hello fellow family members, as you know my name is Harmon, leader of the strongest family here.” The hall quieted, and everyone looked to the boy in a red cloak on the podium. “I have a problem, and we all know what that means, it means that a battle to the death or surrender must occur!”

“What is he talking about?” I whispered to Abby, and she looks at me with worry.

“To keep the relative peace here, Michael devised a system to help keep it. If someone has a problem, they fight it out to the death or until the other surrenders.” Abby responded

“I have been humiliated by a low life on multiple occasions, and I want compensation! Calian, you mutt! I challenge you! Right now!” Harmon screamed across the dining hall.

“He can’t be serious!” I whispered fiercely. “I have done nothing to him!”

“Yeah, but you hurt his pride, one that he holds very dear to him.” Craig said.

“Can he really call a challenge on something so petty?” Alice chimed in as Zoey nodded her head.

“I’m afraid so, it’s stupid, but he can.”

“I’m allowed to refuse this right? Or quit at the very start?” I pleaded.

“I’m afraid not kid, you’re stuck.” Albert said.

“Calian!” Harmon called out, “Are you coming or are you going to run with your tail between your legs?”

“Yeah, I’m coming you prideful idiot.” I muttered and stood up from my seat, grimacing as muscles stretch out. I’ll be fighting at a disadvantage; my muscles could easily lock up at anytime. I thought as I walked towards the space being cleared at the center of hall. I met Harmon in the center of the large circular arena that had been created.

“We can start when you are ready, mutt.” He says, “I’ll even give you a handicap if you need me too.” He said with a laugh, but I ignored him as I closed my eyes and let myself fall into the depths of my mind.

****

“It’s seems that you came back for something, what do you need?”

“Look, I’m sure you already know this, but I’m in a rut.”

“When are you not?”

“Oh, shut up, I have to fight someone, however we both know how I feel about that, so I want to make a compromise.”

“Oh? A compromise?”

“I will let you have some fun, as long as you don’t kill anyone. Understood? You have a giant punching bag in front of you, beat him until he submits defeat, and then return control.”

“And what is to stop me from killing him?”

“The fact you love me?”

“I love no one. But, I will help you. Useless mutt.”

“You just insulted yourself, you know that right?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Tag, you’re it.” I felt myself begin to sink into the depths and watched as my shadow rose to the surface.

****

“Well, you mutt? Are you going to just stand there like an idiot?” Harmon said as I opened my eyes.

“Oh, I’m sorry to keep your sorry butt waiting your highness, I just had to have a conversation with myself.” I said as I curled my hand into a fist. “We can begin now, thank you for waiting.”

“Perfect let it begin, I will-” Harman's words were cut off as I rushed forward and punched him in the face.

“What is this? A tea party? This is a fight!” I said with a laugh as I brought my fist into his jaw. “Oh! You fly far!” I called out, using my hands as fake binoculars as I watched Harmon fly into the air and land a few feet away from me.

“Alright! That's it!” Harmon screamed as five balls of fire appearing around him. “I was just going to make an example out of you but-” His words once again fall short as I dashed forward. I dove forward as two flames shot towards me. I calmly stepped to the left as a third flew at me, and then walked forward towards Harmon at a steady, gentle pace. “Stop it! Stop being so calm! Stop making me look like an idiot! Just die!” Harmon screamed. Two more balls of flames shot at me. I stopped moving and watched as the flames slam into the ground in front of me.

“Little boy, little boy, you missed. Your precious attack missed. How do you feel about this? Are you scared? Do you feel the fear gripping at your heart? That is the fear of death.” I whispered to him, calmly walking towards Harmon. Six more flames of fire rush at me but the hasty aiming caused them to go wide. “You're scared boy, your heart is racing, the blood rushing in your ears. This is the feeling I live for! The feeling of desperation! Isn’t that right boy? The thrill of battle! The thrill of death!” I said as I suddenly leapt towards him and brought my fist into Harmon’s gut. Harmon’s eyes filled with fear as I approached him, and he dropped to the ground screaming.

“I give up! I give up! You win! Just leave me alone!” Harmon cried, his hands over his head as he cowered in front of me.

“But I just got my blood pumping, is that really it? What a let down.” I sighed and started to walk away. “A promise is a promise.”

****

              “Wow, I’m impressed, you didn’t just wail on him till he bled.”

              “I like to savor my meals.”

              “And look where that got you, very little fun.”

              “On the contrary, it was a lot of fun. Well, tag, you’re it.”

              I began to rise to the surface and smiled. “Thank you, for settling it peacefully in a sense.”

              “Shut up, you know nothing about warfare, that kid will be messed up for the rest of his life.”

****

              “Please, just don’t hurt me!” I looked down at Harmon’s tear-stained face as I regained control of my body.

              “Harmon, you don’t have reason to worry, I’m not going to hurt you anymore.” I told him, but horror filled eyes look up at me.

              “Are you an idiot! Look around you! What do you see! Sheep! Sheep to be slaughtered! I didn’t want to hurt you!” Harmon screamed, his pupils dilating till they were pinpricks.

              “Harmon, calm down, what are you talking about.” I heard Abby call as she ran up to the group, but Harmon simply collapsed to the floor and began twitching. I cautiously kneel next to him and check for a pulse, there was none.

              “You said you didn’t kill him!”

              “You’re right, I didn’t. But look closer.”

              I looked at Harmon and watch as his skin began to turn an ashy grey. His hand began to disintegrate as ashes floated away on an unseen wind. “Harmon! What is going on!” I called out and silently watched as the boy that had bullied me melted to grey ash. An eerily familiar voice answered me.

              “I’m sorry, Harmon never existed. He was just a pawn of mine.” I turned around and found the man from the woods standing behind me. “Did you enjoy the abuse? I can do it myself if you want dear Desperation.” He said as the ashes from Harmon fed into his own. Once the man was completely assembled, he wore a black trench coat, and he held a cane in his right hand. His face was still the sinister look from the forest.

              “Get away from him Calian!” I was thrown to the side as Miss Valory grabbed me and tossed me like a sack of potatoes. Her eyes were wild with fury and her skin was white as a sheet. “Ash! How dare you show your face to me after what you did to Aran!” She screamed as a sword of ice appeared in her hands.

              “Oh, if it isn’t dear Valory, If I remember correctly, I ended your dear boyfriend’s life prematurely. I must say, I regret nothing!” Ash replied, his eyes wide with insanity. “Shall you join him dear girl? My pet? My creation? The answer happens to be yes whether you like it or not!” I watched as Ash snapped his fingers and Miss Valory’s sword shattered to pieces in her hands.

              “I refuse to die again!” Miss Valory screamed as the particles of ice began to swirl around her and shot towards Ash with blinding speed. But with a casual wave of his hand, the man named Ash sent a wave of fire that stopped them in their tracks.

              “Dear Valory, this will not do, You try the same-” Ash’s voice was cut off as Miss Valory’s fist slammed into his face.

              “Do I try the same things? I think this is a new one!” She said as her second fist drove into Ash’s gut.

              “Oh dear, such a naughty dog,” Ash said, floating backwards in thin air. “I’ll just have to put you down for striking your master.” Ash said and my eyes widened as a blast of fire appeared from nowhere and exploded against Miss Valory in the back. Her body flew across the room like a flightless bird, but before she could hit the ground a second explosion sent her flying across the room once more.

              “Miss Valory!” I cried, and felt my very soul begin to tremble with rage. At that point, the darkness and I spoke as one. “How dare you harm her!” I cried, “I will watch you suffer and burn in hell!” I began walking towards Ash, my mind hazed over with rage. “You will not lay another finger on her!” As I charged forward a veil of green light surrounded me and slammed my fist into Ash’s midsection. I heard him gasp with pain as my fist connected. Ash tried to hit me in the face with a point-blank fireball but the fire diffused before it could touch me. Ash appeared to move in slow motion as I brought my leg around and caught Ash in the face. With a satisfying thud Ash was knocked to the ground. My breathing was heavy and ragged with rage as I stepped towards the evil man. The green light around me began to shine brighter and brighter as my rage built up. However, as I looked at Ash I found him dissipating into thin air.

“Good! Good! This will be fun for me! Well Calian, I will see you in half a year! Bring that anger with you to fuel the fight! I will be expecting a fun time. In the meantime, you can expect this place to be attacked in a week! that is your reward for hitting me.” Ash said with a sinister laugh that echoed through the dining hall.

              “Ash! Get back here! I will kill you!” I screamed as he faded away on the wind but my mind soon snapped back to reality. “Miss Valory! I called out as the green light around me disappeared. I turned and ran towards her body that was lying in the middle of the table arena. No one moved. “What do you think you’re all doing! Move you stupid sheep!” I screamed. The sudden break of silence caused people to snap out of the shock of the battle.

              “Healers! Get over here!” Abby called as I ran to Miss Valory’s side. It didn’t look good, her skin and clothing were scorched and her face was blistered by burns.

              “Miss Valory? Please, wake up.” I whispered as I shook her a little but I was shoved to the side by the healers. A green aura of magic began to surround them and Miss Valory.

              “Calian, come on, leave them to their work, I’m sure she will be ok, Let's just go get some sleep. We will need it if Ash wasn’t lying about that attack” Abby told as she pulled me away from Miss Valory’s body.

              “No, I have to stay with her.” I replied, my voice hollow and empty. “I have to be here and help.”

              “And what do you think you can do kid?” Albert screamed as he walked up to Abby and I. “Kid, admit it, you can’t do anything for her. So just get out of here and stay out of the way.”

              Albert, careful-” Abby began to say, but I lash out.

              “What do you know! You never knew her! She saved me! She is everything!” I screamed at him, clutching at his shirt; however, a smack sent me flying to the ground.

              “Get ahold of yourself kid! No matter what your relationship is with her, you can’t do anything!” Albert yelled at me, his face red with anger. “I know how it feels to be useless, I know what it is to lose someone!”

              “She’s my family! She’s the only one I have ever had! Nothing can replace her!”

              “And what are we?” Zoey asked, walking up, sitting next to me.

              “We are your family too Calian.” Alice stated, sitting on the other side of me.

              “I know it’s hard kid, but sometimes we have to accept that we cannot do anything.” Albert insisted, holding out his hand. “Come on, let's get some sleep.”

              “You don’t have to be alone either.” Abby mentioned, grabbing my other hand. Both Alice and Zoey push me up as Albert and Abby pull. Tears began to flow freely from my eyes, and I fell into both Abby’s and Albert’s comforting arms. I felt two hands rubbing my back as I cried.

              “There there, it’s ok to cry.” Zoey whispered; her voice soon followed by Alice’s.

              “You can lean on us when you need to.”

              “Come on, Craig has a bed ready for you back at our camp site.” Abby said. She guided me away from the carnage Ash left behind.

              “Thank you…” I whispered out through shuddered breaths; However, it went unheard to the group. As I stumbled into my room, I found a note lying on my bed.

Dear Calian,

I am REALLY sorry I could not help heal Valory, however you are welcome for the two times I saved you. Next time you look in a mirror, look at your back. You might find a really big scar where Ash impaled you through the heart. You were too angry to notice, and you really should be dead right now. Well, you’re welcome and stay safe!

Sincerely,

Your Benefactor.

I crumbled the note up and threw it across the room and screamed in the silence of the room. “Who are you!” As I took of the shirt I was wearing to go to bed, I found a large hole in the back with blood on its edges. Sure enough, when I looked in the mirror, the was a large circular scar with jagged edges in my back. I fell into bed with a cry of anger and fell asleep.

[whiteknightswendigo]

Acceptance

Acceptance.  

This seems to be a common theme springing up at me lately. I’m noticing it popping up in videos I’m watching. What actual love and acceptance of another person looks like. Just holding space for someone with no judgement.  

Allowing them to just be: Unabashedly.  

I recently watched an interview called Red Table Talk run by Jada Pinkett Smith. She was talking to Matthew McConaughey about his new book: Greenlights.  

In the beginning of the book he writes about an experience he had at the age of 5 years old, watching his mother and father physically hurt each other. But the physical altercation ended with them making love. And what he said about that experience made me think. He said “I’ve never judged them for how they treated each other, for how they raised us.”

It made me think because I have always considered myself an accepting person, I thought I knew how to hold space for people without judgement… but here I am judging both of my parents even though I know their histories. Why they act the way they do. I have been unable to remove myself from them, unable to see them as their own people. Not just as my parents.  

Last week in group therapy the subject of forgiveness came up. And I mentioned that I dislike that word. I said it makes me angry. It makes me feel as if I’m supposed to be ok with everything they have ever done or didn’t do. The word seems like it implies that I am to allow them to continue to do these things. I said that I would rather use the word acceptance because acceptance means I understand that they are people separate from me, they are not just my parents. I think I see now that forgiveness IS acceptance.  

They are the same thing.  

I don’t have to allow them to treat me the way they do. But I can accept that they are their own humans.  

Maybe when my boat is a little less at risk of sinking, I will be able to hold space for them.  

Unabashedly.

[veawrites]

Fuck me like the slut I am

Warnings: ok so this is pure raw dogging smut nasty def going to hell

Description: you piss your boyfriend off by talking to billy Hargrove and he gets mad and teaches you who you belong to

Note!?: enjoy DONT steal my work or I’ll call yung gravy and tell him to fuck ur mom! Much love tho 🤍

—

I don’t know how I get myself into these situations and I never know how to get out without seeming rude. Here I am standing here talking to Billy Hargrove while my boyfriend Steve Harrington stands on the stairs staring at me. I knew he was gonna be pissed but Billy talked to me. I was rushed out of my thoughts when I heard Billy’s voice say “so Saturday night me and you motel six?” I rolled my eyes at him “yeah no I’m not some casual hook up for you I’m not some whore” you say walking up the stairs trying to pass by and angry Steve when he grabs your wrist and pulls you out to his car.

He slammed the car door shut locking you in as you buckled up “so you wanna be a whore and talk to Hargrove” he said more like asked “literally He was just talking to me it’s no big deal your overreacting over nothing” I say shrugging and I feel the car pull onto the side of the road “you think I’m gonna let my girlfriend mine talk to Billy Hargrove I mean honestly you were eye fucking him” he says turning off the car and turning to you. “Steve I was not eye fucking him he asked me out and I told him hell no” and he just rolled his eyes “yeah ok” he groans

“I swear Steve I don’t want him” I say and he places his hand on my thigh “baby if you wanna act like a slut then I’ll fucking treat you like one” he says trailing his hand up your body snapping your bra strap and you yelp “Stevie not here” you say and he climbs to the back seat “come on” he says and you crawl back there and sit beside him. He puts his hand on your thigh and starts to kiss you grabbing your breast with the other one. “Take your fucking dress off” and you do it “are you not wearing panties” he asks me surprised “no” I whimper as he puts his fingers over your clit rubbing right circles “god your such a whore not wearing panties” he says kissing you rubbing your clit “ah fuck Steve oh-my” you moan out “did you just say fuck” he asks pulling his fingers away from your pussy “Steve” you whimper grabbing his hand trying to put his fingers back onto you and he jerks his hand back “no you cursed you can’t fucking say that your not allowed” he says climbing back into the front seat when you grab him “no please Steve please touch me please I need you to do it” you whimper pleadingly “so fucking needy you little whore” he says kissing you

“Yes I’m your little whore” When you swore he smacked you “don’t fucking swear I already warned you once” he says and you shake your head yes “come on my fingers baby you can do it” he says pushing his fingers in and out of your pussy “ah holy shi- Steve ah oh my please ah” you moan loudly “god you sound so hot come sit on my dick ride me” he says and you sit onto him and adjust “god fuck it’s so big” you moaned and he slapped your thigh “don’t fucking cuss”

“I’m gonna cum Steve” you said riding his dick putting your hands on his shoulders and moving your self up and down “god hm Steve I need more holy” you say and he laughs “my needy little whore so hungry for daddy’s cock” he said pushing you down onto him “cum in me” you say and he lets go inside of you “god your so hot, let me eat it out of you” he says pushing you back onto your back in the day and gets down between your legs and begins to eat you out. With each movement of his tongue you buck your hips. “Holy fuck hmmm” you whimper “I don’t even care that your cussing honestly I’m just happy this pussy is mine” he says and your eyes roll back “and I will fucking ruin you your body will be mine I will ruin you cause I can and because I can do whatever I want to this little pussy” he says climbing into the front seat right before you cum and leaving you high and dry

“Steve what the fuck” you tell climbing up into the seat and Steve looks ay you “I swear if you fuckinng curse again I’ll take you right in front of everyone back at that party” he says “fuck you steve” you say and he glared at you “you’d like that but I’m not doing anything for you you can go without and if I find out you touched yourself I will punish you”

—

You were asleep on top of Steve but you could feel yourself still horny so you rubbed against him against his cock “y/n what the fuck are you doing” he says sitting up with you on his lap “keep going” he says and you grind against his hard cock “hmmmm oh my jeez Steve ah” you moan “feel good pretty girl” he says kissing your neck “hm yes” you moan “I can’t believe you were grinding me on me you little whore” he says as you guys both release the cum into each other’s pants

“I love you y/n god fucking love you” he says holding you kissing your cheek “I love you too Stevie” you say holding him close