#ohhh they hurt me so good

[secret-smut-sideblog]

The Lamb

Lavellan × Blackwall

PG-13 - mutual longing, crossed signals, tenderness, battle, explicit violence, drug use (sort of), self-sacrifice

The rift set to be closed once and for all, Vella hopes to spend one last night in his arms. The world set to crash down around them, she must finally sleep...

Masterlist, Prev Chapter

-

"I have to ask... what was I like in that dark future you saw?"

I watched you die.

Vella focused her breath even. Going forward like that... it was her personal hell. Her foresight made manifest around her. The whole world burning. Watching him fall. The crack of his head against the stone floor, the light gone from his eyes.

I saw everything. I couldn't stop it. It was everywhere.

When they returned, she kept her poise just long enough. Doubled over into the snow of Haven's forest, rocking on hands and knees, wailing into her palm.

"You fought till your last breath. You gave everything. Your men would have been proud."

Blackwall paused, seeming to consider her praise.

"Then I was worth something in the end. Thank you."

"You're worth something now, Blackwall." She nudged his calf with her foot. The shingles under her thighs shifting slightly.

"Am I?" He hushed, looking out over the low sun settling on Haven. The bells of the chantry hung witness behind them.

"I think so." She smiled. Looping her pinky over his. "My perspective must count for something."

"You're... it means everything." He turned to her. Eyes heavy with adoration. But trepidation still hung noose from his words.

She knocked her shoulder into his playfully.

"I'm something, that's for sure. Bad news, usually."

She smiled sadly, retreating her pinky from his. She ached for him, but he had set up his boundary, and she would honor it. If nothing else, she could give him that.

"You were smart to get out when you did. I have nothing to offer you, old man. My future is... well, it's not something you write in romance novels."

"But I'm happy to be here now." She sighed, looking out over their small world. Letting her feet swim slowly. "This is good."

Something was coming.

She could avoid filling her connection to her god. Keep herself awake until dawn. Walk endless circles. But she could still feel it.

Something was coming.

"You should get some rest. I'll come down soon, okay?" She stood, then paused. Leaning down, she kissed his brow. Silently transmitting her thoughts to him.

All I want is you. Maybe in the next life.

"Don't wait up." She whispered, his wide eyes a siren song.

Taking the ledge of the roof in her fingers, she dropped down before he could stop her. She didn't know if she could let go if he stopped her. But she couldn't imagine him being so cruel.

They were from too different of worlds. He could see that. Even without knowing the madness set to hang her from the family tree, she was Dalish. What future could he want with her?

She shook her head. Better to leave him to someone more suited. Maybe Josephine, she seemed to glance at him with the same furtive blush. Yes, Josephine would be lovely.

Like all things, she had to let him go. The ache she carried would not bury her.

Something was coming, and she had to prepare.

-

Blackwall sat with his head in his hands. Pressing the heels of his palms into the ridge of his eyes.

The ache for her was eating him alive.

That she, somehow, thought she wasn't enough for him made him nauseous with guilt. How could she be anything less than his whole world?

Maker, she's an angel. Anyone could see. How could she not see?

He willed the threatening tears to retreat.

How had he been fool enough to let her go?

The door to the stables hushed open.

They had been sleeping side by side, comforted in each other's presence. Though she usually didn't sneak in until the moon was high above. It endeared him how she would tiptoe around him, no idea how light of a sleeper battle worn years had made him.

He startled, quickly composing with a grunt.

"Vella? I didn't expect you this early."

She rushed inside, falling into his arms with a shaken breath.

He froze, only for a moment, then wrapped deep into her. Falling back into the blanket, pressing his face into the curve of her shoulder.

Maker, she was so warm.

"Thank you..." She breathed, then went slack in his arms. Breathing soft and slow.

She was asleep.

He blinked.

He had always taken the pacing as insomnia. Happy to accompany her in the sweet quiet as she walked. Silence with her felt full, like the quiet he enjoyed on his own.

But now he saw it was something more.

He pulled her over him, taking up her perfect weight. Her leg naturally curled up his hip, head turned on his chest. Slow breath a tide on his throat as she turned up into him. Eyes fluttering with movement under her lids.

He pressed his lips to the crown of her head. Hand gently caressing up and down her back. A peace he had rarely tasted settled heavy over him. Melting so sweet on his tongue.

"I've waited so long for you." He hushed. "Thank you."

She was deep in rest. Only small movements of her head gave any sense of dreaming.

"Where are you, my light?" He whispered, smiling at her.

Her movements quieted. Seeking his hand on his chest, twining it into hers.

"Oh..." He sighed. Heart full and so terribly heavy at once. Focusing to this moment. He could carry this forever. But he was drifting.

Please, just a moment more.

But her tide was too strong. Pulling him out to sea.

-

"Do you remember this, Ghilana?" She smiled at her stag, pressing her clay painted palm to his flank. Adding a dark raven in soot. "Mm, I can't call my clan. Well..."

She painted an eye on his other flank, under Blackwall's shield. "I have that."

Her body went rigid, hissing a breath through clenched teeth.

The sight hadn't been so strong since she was a child. Her mind was five steps ahead already, events playing out behind her eyes that hadn't yet arrived. Too fast to parse, overwhelming her senses.

Ghilana nipped at her thigh.

She went slack again, breath ragged.

"Sorry for this." She sighed, tying bundles of elfroot to his antlers. "I hope the smoke doesn't get in your eyes. But I can't go mad on the battlefield."

She kneeled next to the small fire, breathing in deep from the elfroot there. The tempest quieting just enough.

You're out of time, girl.

She gathered the red clay, pulling under her eyes. Feeling all she needed to feel. Soot over her eyes. It was all here. Clay slicked over her arms. It always was with her.

This was her people. This was all of time. She had been here before.

Hurry. Her father's voice whispered in her ear. They're here.

She took a deep exhale, then pulled her eyes to the mountains.

Taking her mount in one leap, she took off like a shot. Hooves thunder under her. Lighting the elfroot in cupped hands. Coming down from the forest in a burning curtain.

Ghilana leapt over the wall of Haven. She zeroed in on the gate.

There.

The blonde boy entered, Cassandra pulling him inside. Her party gathered, staring up at the approaching army with panicked eyes.

Cole. Templars. Old God.

She leaned down on Ghilana's side, scooping him under his arms. Spinning him behind her. The gallop of her mount an easily pull of momentum. His leg hitched up over and held on tight.

"Get everyone to the chantry! Soldiers, defend the trebuchet line at all costs!"

She took off again, Cole wrapped around her waist.

"How many?" She shouted back to him.

"Too many! You can't defend this place!"

"And their leader?"

"An Elder One! You took his mages!"

"So I did." She sighed, rounding up to the chantry. "Go. We'll hold them off."

Cole dropped off of Ghilana.

Secrets. Help. Rogue.

He stared up at her.

"Your eyes..." He breathed.

She didn't have a looking glass, but she knew the silver glow radiated regardless.

"Don't tell the others. Go, Cole."

He nodded, hurrying inside with the crowd.

She pulled her bow from her back, staring down at the soldiers fighting their way to the trebuchet.

Leaning her head back, she took a deep pull of the smoke.

Show me.

It all appeared to her as she rode. Ghilana's antlers low, ripping men to the ground. She fired down, again and again. Her aim true. It had already happened. She was always here.

Count, girl. You will lose yourself. Take count.

"Three." She hissed under her breath, a man crumpled as an arrow entered his ear.

"Four." An arrow cut across a throat.

She searched the battlefield. Her body all instinct behind her. Where was he?

"Five."

At the Singing Maiden, Blackwall charged forward, slamming his shield into a throng of men. Cutting through them with great swings of his sword.

She smiled. Closing the distance, she fired an arrow straight into the eye of a man trying to rush him. Dropping him in a heap.

Blackwall looked up, his eyes wide.

"Focus, soldier!" She barked, a wide smile on her face.

He smiled back, charging forward again. A war cry ripping from him.

She leapt Ghilana over burning rubble, the trebuchet pulling closer. The hiss of her count all she could hear.

"Thirteen. Fourteen."

Cullen was braced against his shield, sword flung from his hand. Defending the trebuchet with all his might.

Ghilana trampled through the hoarde, antlers cutting them down in great swings. Vella grabbed the last of the burning elfroot, leaping off of his back. The way clear for now.

"Take Ghilana! Go!" She shouted to Cullen.

He snatched his sword and climbed on, Ghilana kneeling for him. Looking at her like the mad thing she was.

"Reinforcements are coming!" He shouted.

"I know! Get the others to the chantry!" She gathered the elfroot into her teeth. The smoke curling into her nose as she fired along the ridge below.

Cullen took off, and she rushed to the wheel.

Steady, focus.

She turned it, seeing the time she had between waves. Feeling how little elfroot she had left on the burn of her lips.

There would be enough time. There would.

A flash of dark.

Blackwall's shield filled behind her, and her panic was gone. She turned back to the wheel.

Almost. Almost.

There.

The trebuchet lifted, swinging out to the mountain. The impact shook the earth as a distant boom filled the air, and the snow began its killing wave. Careening down the side of the mountain, torch light devoured in its hunger.

The cheers of her people filled her ears. The elfroot was spat out as its flame met the wet of her teeth. She closed her eyes. Blackwall gathered her in his arms, burying his face in her hair. She leaned into him, then seized.

Her head was ripped upwards, breath leaving her. Eyes wide on where it was about to be. Gripping his forearm.

"Dragon! Dragon!" She shouted, but it was too late.

A wall of flame took the trebuchet, knocking them back.

He pulled her to her feet, eyes wide. She clenched her eyes shut tightly, another wave of sight forcing her body rigid.

"Chantry! Tunnel!" She shuddered through clenched teeth. Eyes rolled up under fluttered lids.

"The townspeople!" Blackwall urged, lifting her onto his shoulders, taking off in a run.

"Cullen! Cullen has them!"

Her body one tight muscle on his back, she fought the madness eating her. Too much. Too much.

"What's happening?" Cullen shouted, urging people running into the doors.

"I don't know! She's hurt!"

He lowered her against a wall. Her eyes still lost in a flutter. The fever began. There was something in her, and her body wanted it out. She pulled at her armor in delirious yanks.

Blackwall grabbed her arms, his eyes bright with panic.

Solas appeared next to her. Falling to a kneel.

"Breathe." He held a bundle of smoke to her.

She pulled deep into the elfroot, gasping out. Her mind untangling. The blood trickling from her nose an aftershock.

"Breathe, breathe." He soothed, rubbing her back. "You did well, somniari."

Dreamer.

She wanted to laugh.

Her sense returned, lowering her eyes from their call upwards. Breathing in deep steady pulls.

The gathered party licked their wounds around her. Many bodies slumped like hers.

"There's a tunnel behind the wall." She pointed. "It leads out. Take everyone through."

The Chancellor's eyes roved over weakly from his seat against a beam. Smiling in a knowing way.

"He says he's sorry." Cole lowered his eyelids as he went still.

"I know." She sighed, Blackwall lifting her to her feet.

"You must take them. You will get through." She commanded to Cullen. "Take supplies."

"What is that out there?" He urged.

"Ugh!" She seized over, another wave.

Herald. Burn. Bury.

"Cole said it wants only me. It will take this place."

"So our only choice is how spitefully we end this..." He laughed coldly.

She nodded, raising her eyes again. Cupping a wound on her side she didn't even feel. Grateful for the cover.

They can't know.

"Alright, then! With me!" Cullen called.

-

Blackwall turned to her. His angel of death. Bleeding and shaken. A terrifying force to be reckoned, riding into battle on a burning stag. Descending from heaven in the fury of all of her people. Painted in red and black.

Every part of their battle had been her. Cutting through and urging at just the right moments. Ballads would be written and books would be bound.

"Vella, I..." He drew forward.

Her eyes fluttered up into lids again, and he moved forward to catch her. Eyeing the blood pooled between the fingers cupping her side.

But her head fell back as her eyes fully closed, a small sigh pushed through her lips. Smiling as her eyes lowered back to his.

She cupped his cheek in her hand, that relaxed smile sending a crawl of dread up his back.

She stared deep into him. Speaking a soft sentence in Elvish.

"Lathbora viran... ma ghilana mir din'an."

Then she was gone.

He felt her hand pull away and grabbed blindly for it.

"No!" He gasped, grasping at air. She was invisible. She was gone.

Cullen gripped his shoulder.

"We must go!"

"No!" He shouted, panic cutting his throat raw. "No, she's-"

"Blackwall!"

Her stag came to him, already laden with supplies.

"No! Please I-"

But he was pulled along, Cassandra urging forward on his back.

"She gave us a chance, honor that." She urged. "We need you. We need your help."

An all-consuming grief he couldn't hold yet sat swollen behind his chest. She was right. He steeled his will with everything he had and mounted Ghilana. Taking up the front in a tap on his side. Frozen forward in a numb haze.

-

Vella woke in a slump. Rising her eyes as her hand burned. Rolling on her side into a kneel.

The caves stretched out far before her. She focused, but her sight had drained. She was on her own.

Shuffling to feet, she moved through the cold tunnel. Her side ached, but had stopped bleeding. She downed the last health potion she had and felt some vigor return to her.

Two wraiths descended on her in a cistern. She held up her hand reflexively, and a great blast emitted from the mark. Obliterating them entirely.

"That's new." She sighed weakly.

The biting wind came through a tunnel ahead and she followed obediently. The world opened to her vast and white. A swirling static of nothing.

So she had been right.

"I died." She sighed, closing her eyes. "It's over."

Not quite.

The kind voice, from so long ago, filled her head.

She looked out over her purgatory.

"Of course." She laughed.

You know what comes next.

She did.

She began to walk.

~

Next Chapter

[bearsprings]

fake ass balloon smp fan just watched sophies finale for the first time and BAWLED her book did not make me cry the first time it was read!!!! why did it hurt so bad this time around!!!!!!!

[lycan-subscribe]

i’m really curious. what are some of your favorite foods from when you were younger that no longer exist or were changed? i have quite a few but i wanna know some of y’all’s

[designernishiki]

you ever think about how by yakuza 8 haruto will be 8 years old and won’t remember kiryu at all, and if/when he shows back up kiryu will be a total stranger to him. haha

[butchdykekondraki]

everytime i think about that one paragraph in montauk house where clef wakes up and damn near has a panic attack about cornwall i go a little bit more crazy

[nyxypoo]

thinking about when the time when me when he when uhm when HANDS FACKKKKK

[spaciebabie]

good morning im still fucking deranged. sorry. feel free to ignore this if its too much

im thinking about springtrap being so blissed out he becomes really giggly and shameless, just agreeing with anything you say and asking for more and pleading with you every time you stop for a second, either to give your hands a break or just to tease him. and this is so far from how he normally tries to present himself that it's both kind of amusing and endearing, and EXTREMELY satisfying to bring him to that point, to think that YOU are doing that to him, YOU are reducing the big scary monster to a melty giggling puddle. rgrhhagrhgashDGGERRHFHDGRRRRGRGRRRRRRRRRR IM GOING TO START BARKING

do not even get me started on the springlocks. it's about the closeness. the intimacy. the psychological aspect of getting pleasure out of the thing that killed you. it's about the DANGER, yanking your hands away before they snap closed and savoring his reaction. it's about the sensation being so much and hurting a little bit but feeling so good. it's about letting someone do that to you. it's about trusting them with that. i have this specific scrap of dialogue that is running CIRCLES in my head rn of him saying "it hurts..." in this dazed tone and replying with "do you want me to stop?" and he goes "...no" and then i rock his fucking world. DO YOU SEE MY VISION

wow who said all that aha must have been a gnome

you and me bro......we shaking hands cuz holy SHIT YOU GET IT YOU FUCKING GET IT. BIUG SCARY MONSTER DUDE REDUCED TA JUST A WRITHING GIGGLY PILE OF PLEASURE OH MY GODDD YOU GET IT YOU UNDERSTAND

[sunnibits]

is it bad that klaus doing his fake doggy whimpering trying to entice a man to kill him was like. hot to me. or more likely is everyone else just feeling the exact same way.

[zombieboyfailure]

i am fucking crazy. but i am free.

[navxry]

the way I am BAWLING at miracle in cell no.7 when I red the synopsis of the plot and saw the trailer...

[chodzacaparodia]

I'm an introvert. I have social anxiety. Traveling stresses me out terribly.

But State Champs, Mayday Parade, Simple Plan (and Air Yel which turned out to be really good!) in one concert???

In moments like these, I can really forget about everything that's blocking me.

I had a really great time!!!

[redskysailor]

banging fists on ground I love my friends so much I think I have to kill somebody about it

[mars-ipan]

lmk if this is fucked up (hear me out) but i’ve been wanting an excuse to psychologically torment someone for years (HEAR ME OUT)

[black--sun]

Ichigo makes a face. “The circle I run with could find me on the moon.” It’s mildly irritating. And why is he so comfortable with Shiro? He shouldn’t be admitting that to anyone. He's already given Shiro more than a few details. For just a second, he’s as miserable as Shiro is upbeat. Being with Shiro still comes so naturally. Maybe he’ll never be completely rid of him. And never be completely free of the pain of it.

He shrugs. “I would, and I live there.” 

“Oh.” Which he knew, but for some reason he wasn’t picturing Shiro's fan club being part of that faction for a minute back there. He knows better. Anyone could be involved or recruited--just like that girl Ichigo found in Shiro’s room. But the fact that Shiro offers not to pursue Yuu has Ichigo realizing he was far too transparent and invested in something that should have absolutely no effect on him. Ichigo blinks and glances over. “Okay.” He shrugs, even though he’s not very indifferent at all. “I guess that’s up to you and him.” 

He snorts. “No thanks.” Shiro’s makeshift surgeon would probably stitch a few unflattering words into his side. Ichigo levels a flat look toward the driver’s side. He’s pretty damn unamused by that suggestion and he thinks Shiro knows it. He doesn’t bother saying so, he just lets that silence sit for a long moment. “Fine. Don’t look and be nice, or don’t expect a repeat. I got it.” 

His brows arch mildly and after a second of hesitation he nods. "Right, yeah. Low profile. I guess it's workin', I mean as long as whoever you're tryin' to fool isn't runnin' the same circles as you." He wonders if Ichigo realizes Shiro's known at least the basics of what he's been up to for a long time now, that they run parallel enough to one another for him to hear of Ichigo from time to time. He also wonders if Ichigo realizes that the only reason Shiro hadn't found him in his low profile high rise is because Shiro's been respectful. "I'd be surprised if they were willing to get their hands that dirty."

The way Ichigo sulks is amusing and kind of endearing. He missed pretty much all aspects of Ichigo, even this part. But he looks over sidelong before shaking his head in a slight, exasperated motion. "My enamored little underlings are currently trying to kill me." Maybe not all of them, but he's not sure who he's supposed to trust and who he's not. More importantly, Ichigo doesn't seem to like the idea of Shiro sinking teeth into Yuu. "I'm always recruiting. It's a growing empire. But if you want me to leave Yuu alone, all you gotta do is say so. He was fun to play with but I'm not interested in onboarding him anyway, his ego's almost as big as mine. There's probably not room for both of us in the same room very often."

He rolls his eyes, he knew Ichigo was going to turn this into a thing. "No, not as far as I know. Why don't you piss her off and find out?" Ichigo's complaint gets a sardonic, scoff of a laugh. "Yeah, that's how it works. You don't want people askin' questions? You want quiet, no paperwork, no records, no laws? It goes both ways. She's doin' under table medical work for a reason. Your other option is me. I'm great with a needle, less great with thread but I can tie a knot." He can guess what option Ichigo prefers.

[thebigqueer]

the craziest thing is even w this breakup i still feel like this is sooo my year ilke i have never been sentient and awake like this until 2024

[domjaehyun]

no me importa BAHAHA I love that you learning Spanish

the way i say that like 20 times a day. i have to. it hits so much harder than “i dont care” bc it feels like im dramatically saying . it matters not. I LOVE IT

for some reason this ask sent me into a monologue both in the below text and the tags….. under a read more for your scrolling convenience

i also like saying un poco [insert spanish adjective here or english if i don’t know the word for it] whenever i need to describe something. also (im consulting actual/native/fluent spanish speakers now) IS LINDO REALLY THE ONLY WORD FOR CUTE I FEEL LIKE IT SHOULD BE SOMETHING LIKE A CUTER WORD LIKE POCO I LOVE THE WORD POCO 😭 but not poco bc then i cant say un poco cute >:/ LIKE IT SHOULD BE PICO SO I COULD SAY AY QUE PIQUITO BUT THAT WOULD MEAN LITTLE BEAK?!!!!! I DONT WANT TO SAY THAT!!! but yeah if there’s a more colloquial word for cute that’s more fun to say like linguistically…….lmk. but so far i quite appreciate the rules of spanish bc i took it when i was in school and did rly well actually . and i still remember a lot of the rules and vocab so talking to random customers in spanish is getting a lot easier!!! and sometimes i just ask ppl how to say a word or if they said a word i didnt understand im like “what does that word mean” then they describe it and im like “say it again” then they do and then bam i have learned a new word !! i hate that everyone is right and to improve speaking a language you actually have to….speak……. the language….. and not just learn vocab and rules BUT now that im 90% over my social anxiety sitch it’s a lot easier to ask questions and learn!!!!! also 12/10 they think i’m cute for asking and then they compliment my spanish and say i’m cute and then i get a compliment for wanting to learn :3 excellent positive reinforcement, i am unlearning shame and guilt mhm yes