#oh to live in a country where i would be able to Exist without being paranoid about my safety at all times.

[haarute]

so last night people broke into my next door neighbor's house so that's lovely

[spudfromspace]

Is this actually real?

Hello, this story is the result of me thinking of multiple things at the same time and spiraling into a rabbit hole of thoughts, i think i might have ADHD. This is the first story I've written in a long while (around 4 years), so it might not be that good. Anyhow, let's get on with it. Also, this'll be male character/s x male reader, ok? No hard feelings, but we need more x male reader works, also this is an au if you couldn't tell

*i groan, rubbing my head as the world around me feels like it's spinning. Eventually, i was able to stand up and take a look at my surroundings, it looked like a forest*

W-where am i?

*i was about to explore my new surroundings, but then i saw something approach me from the woods. It was some cat thing with rings on its ears. It looked strangely familiar, but i couldn't remember why*

Welcome, i am kyubey

Wait- this seems oddly familiar-

I am capable of granting you one wish, anything you desire

Wait a minute-

But in return, you will become a magical boy and use your powers to fight witches

WAIT A DAMN MINUTE-

*i start to freak out, realising just who this is*

OH HELL NO, I AIN'T RISKING MYSELF AND BECOMING A WITCH. BACK YOU DEMON!

*i yell at it, picking up a random stick on the ground and pointing it at it*

*"kyubey" starts laughing and falls on the ground*

Hahahaha! I'm just kidding!

*it transforms into something else, something with a more human appearance but the ears and tail were still there. They stand up and walk towards me, putting their hands up to show they weren't there to hurt me*

Chill, I'm not gonna do anything bad

*i lower the stick*

Then who are you, where am i and what the heck is going on?

Well, first my name isn't important but you can just call me kyu. Second you are in America, well, America in another world. And third basically you died and are now being subjected to a similar fate as most shonen isekai anime protagonists

Wait.... WHAT!? THAT CAN ACTUALLY HAPPEN!?

*i was very shocked after what i was just told. I died... and was now in another world like in those isekai animes*

You good? Had enough time to get it together yet?

It's been barely 2 minutes... THAT IS NOWHERE NEAR ENOUGH TIME FOR ME TO GET IT TOGETHER AFTER LEARNING I JUST DIED AND AM NOW IN ANOTHER WORLD!

Well get it together already, there's still a lot we need to get through before i can leave

What?

Well i cant just leave you in this new world without having any knowledge about this place and unable to live by yourself, i am legally not allowed to. Since unlike most of those isekai tropes where people get sent to worlds in more medieval times and you can just start your life without people questioning who you are and where you came from, this world is just as modern as your previous one, and since you don't originally belong to this world you wont have things like your birth certificate, school files, personal files, proof of existence, etc...

Wait.... so then how am i supposed to live here if i basically don't exist?

*they chuckle and snap their fingers, multiple documents appear around us*

That's what I'm here for, I'm in charge of your transfer to this world and with some magic i made some of these documents and files that will serve as your identity and proof of existence in this world, stuff like your birth certificate and things i mentioned previously, these will become apart of this worlds databank making it as if you were always part of it. I kept your information identical to your original one except for the fact that now it would be as if you were already an American citizen, instead of living in (insert country), your data would be stated that you moved to America just recently with the purpose of studying

But what about where I'll live? How am i supposed to get money or a job? And studying, how could i afford tuitions?

I'm getting there, jeez, be a little patient won't you? You'll be provided with a small house for yourself, as for school stuff, you'll find documents inside said house for your school, since I've already enrolled you. And as for money and job, well, that's where the fun stuff starts

*they were grinning after saying that which worried me a bit for what they meant by that*

What are you talking about?

Well, remember what i said earlier? I wasn't kidding about that turning you into a magical boy part, but before you panic, no it's not like madoka magica. You will be a using powers and stuff to fight bad guys and get paid by the government for saving people, sounds fun right?

What kind of powers? And is there some kind of catch? Cuz a free house, powers, and a job sounds too good to be true...

The only catch is college, you'll have to balance fighting bad guys with attending school while not failing. And as you probably now from all the shows you've watched with similar tropes, that isn't an easy task, but one thing you won't have to worry about is hiding your identity

Is it because magical girls/boys outfits have magic that make people as blind as a bat when it comes to their identities, regardless of how identical they look?

What? No, not like miraculous ladybug blindness, it's more like the powerpuff girls

Ah, ok then. So....what powers do i get? Are they cool powers?

Eh, I'm too lazy to come up with powers, here just pick which ones you want

*they hand over a screen displaying multiple characters fictional characters*

Wait, aren't these characters from works of fiction? Won't they exist in fiction in this world too?

Well yeah, some fictional works from your world exist here too, just like how things like nintendo exist here too. But don't worry, all the characters in that screen are characters that don't exist in this world, as to avoid copyright infringement. So just take your pick and I'll give you those powers.

This isn't an easy decision to make, can't i just pick later? How about you show me where ill be living first?

Fiiinnnneeee..... but I'll only wait until tomorrow, so make up your mind by then ok?

*kyu snaps their fingers and then we suddenly appear in a bedroom, me falling into a bed*

This is your new home, information about your house, school, and city are all in those documents beside you on your bed, and just use google maps for getting to your school. You'll also have food in the fridge and some money if you look in your drawer. Now if you'll excuse me, I'll be taking my leave, I'll be back tomorrow afternoon so have a decision by then ok?

*kyu then disappears, leaving me alone in my new house, in a new world, in my new life. I plop myself properly down on the bed, looking at the ceiling and thinking of everything that just happened during the last hour or so*

Holy shit.... i think i just became an shonen protagonist.... ew

*thinking back to what kyu said, i needed to think of what powers i want*

Eh, I'll figure it out tomorrow morning, i need to sleep after all this shit

End of part 1

This is the end for this part, i hope this wasn't too bad. As for the powers and stuff, I'll keep thinking for what powers would be good or i might just make a poll later on which characters powers we could have, you guys can even comment some suggestions. No dogday and catnap for now, maybe in the next chapter if i get to that part fast enough

[rei-ismyname]

Ororo, how did you get here?

I wonder if we'll get a solid, in character explanation for why Storm would become a cop (Avenger) again. I'm writing an analysis on From The Ashes (so far) and while I'm clear-eyed about where most characters and books are at, I really need to know if they're even going to bother explaining why Storm would leave Arakko (oh yeah, there's still a million mutants on the red planet) and if they do to what degree. Sure she can just bail off screen but it'd be deeply out of character. She's a member of the Great Ring (or at least she was, occupying Magneto's empty Seat of Loss after she yielded the Regency to Lodus Logos.) She's the most impactful political and cultural figure in a generation. She was the leader of the winning faction in the Genesis War. She had a lover, who was caring for two orphans. I think they were living together. She was happy. I can't recall any ties to Atlanta, but it doesn't really matter. Without serious explanation she's going to look fickle, like she's shirking her duty. A duty she chose, too. Fought multiple wars over. She's getting a solo book, there's totally room to do it properly.

The other big ting for me is Magneto. The First Krakoan age put him through the ringer - his character arc was objectively given the most attention and subjectively the most satisfying. Even without Uncanny X-Men #700 he was poised to shake up the status quo but when you include his chat with Charles that's a promise. A promise that needs to be paid off. Not just any old promise either - it's an ideological breakthrough five decades in the making! He's been kept in the background so far and I haven't really been able to judge whether that promise is being kept or not. I hope so but my expectations are low. It would be such tonal whiplash I can't even think of an analogy.

Interestingly both Max and Ororo were Of Arakko last time we got a close look. Magneto died defending Arakko, he has friends there. He is literally one of the society's heroes for slaying Tarn the Uncaring and The Hour Of Magneto/Judgement Day.

Yeah, that's right. *AIR HORN* *PUMPS FIST* He cares about the Arakki and they care about him. He'd want to pay his respects to the Fisher King and generally see how it's going. He lost his place on the Great Ring when he died and Vulcan blew up his house, but neither are especially important. Both planet and culture are dear to him. After X of Swords, in that brief period when the Arakki were on Earth, it was Magneto meeting with Isca about teething problems. 'Twas Magneto who spearheaded the Terraforming Operation, handling the communication/logistics and harvesting enough iron to bring the planet to life from the Khyber Belt. While he was doing that, Ororo was fighting Nameless to the death for the Noontide Seat.

I could honestly go on, but my point is these two especially are invested. (Roberto Da Costa too, but it seems the New Mutants are represented by Magik alone and Cypher looking like an idiot.) If that continuity is disregarded I'm going to have a problem with it. Honestly, if Arakko is there and not being used in any stories I'll be scratching my head. How do you go from terraforming planets to hated and feared on Earth as anything other than a regression? The geopolitical implications of it being there pretty much break the world they're selling us. They're telling us it's so dangerous for mutants that they're developing secret hand signals and Underground Railroad'ing. At least some mutants would move to fucking Mars. All countries would be at Defcon 1. Did the entire galactic council just forget Sol exists?

I'll stop there, save some for the actual essay instead of the rant lol. If you're enjoying it I couldn't be happier for you. I am struggling to, though, and I'm very wary of heartbreak. Maybe that's on me for how I manage my expectations. We shall see.

[pinkskytwst]

Of Princesses and Queens

Epel/Reader (not Prefect) Riddle/Reader (not Prefect)(End Pairing)

Reader gender is not specified but the term 'princess' is used the same way Riddle and Vil are called 'Queens'. It's not meant to be a term tied to their gender.

Warning: ANGST, near death experience with ice.

(I shamelessly stole Jack's death scene from Rise of the Guardians)

===================

It was inevitable that you and Epel would be friends.

You were literally the only two people under the age of forty in your entire village and for the sake of both your sanities, you clung to each other like lifelines.

Growing up in the country in a community centered around the prosperous but ultimately uninteresting apple orchard meant that the two of you had to create your own entertainment. Learning to climb trees together was one of your first clear memories – along with the subsequent fall that left you with a broken leg and Epel with a sprained shoulder from where he had tried to grab you.

The moment you healed up you were both at it again until playing tag among the branches was your go-to game.

With your mom’s and Epel’s grandfather’s help you were able to create what you both decided was the best tree house to ever exist. It had winding steps, a second story, a ‘look out’ post that was accessible by a hanging bridge, a trap door with a climbing rope, a swing big enough for two, enough pillows and blankets to create a nest more than big enough for the both of you, and best of all a sign that read in large letters ‘no old people aloud’.

Princes would be jealous of your treehouse.

Your dad nearly laughed himself sick when he saw the sign and Epel’s nana just sighed and insisted that you at least add a protective railing around the ledges.

Epel tried to argue that you weren’t babies but no one said ‘no’ to his nana and your mom was nice enough to help add what was needed for the woman’s approval.

The both of you practically lived in that treehouse.

When you weren’t in lessons or helping around the orchard, the two of you were having grand adventures high off the ground in imaginary worlds you created.

-

“Nah, pirates are lame.” You rolled your eyes as Epel gasped in utter offense. “We should be knights! They’re super cool and tha’ book I got from pop has all these neat facts about fighting dragons and saving princesses!”

“But we don’t have any dragons to fight!” Epel insisted in a huff, crossing his arms over his chest, wooden pirate sword clutched in his smaller fist.

“Well, we could go fight Silas’s turkey!” you argued back stubbornly, using your taller status to try and bully your friend into playing your game instead.

You had been playing pirates for weeks, you wanted to play something else! Besides, that turkey was a bloodthirsty monster!

“But pirates are cool!” Epel shot back, just as determined, his pout and scrunched up nose the same expression that your dad always cooed over whenever he saw it.

You inwardly scoffed, Epel wasn’t that cute.

Just a little.

“Oh, fine.” You huffed, throwing your hands into the air. “Then let’s at least go look for treasure.”

Instantly Epel lit up, nearly sparkling with his wide, beaming smile and gapped tooth.

Maybe a little more than a little.

“Yeah! Come on!” he said, snagging your hand and pulling you towards the trap door.

When the sun had finally set and his grandpa came out to call you in, you were both curled up in your nest and surrounded by your ‘loot’ of strangely shaped apples, a dried snakeskin, pile of acorns sorted into ones with and without ‘hats’, a stick in the shape of a corkscrew, and a particularly sparkly rock that you thought looked cool.

Epel grumbled as you trudged after the old man that was basically your grandpa, the smaller boy limp on your back and face smooshed into your hair.

-

Being country kids, you and Epel were no strangers to injuries. Scrapes and bruises were common, and you had lost two teeth after a particularly stupid stunt involving a prank gone wrong with a neighbor's stubborn mule. Thankfully one was still a baby tooth and was replaced naturally anyway, but the other had to be magically regrown and you STILL remembered the lecture your pop had given you about that.

The point was, that the both of you had a very skewed view regarding safety and were far too used to situations that would have caused city parents to grasp their pearls and balk.

That was why, during a normal winter day when you were thirteen and Epel had just turned fourteen, neither of you hesitated when you went out to your favorite hill to sled and caught sight of the creek frozen over.

Well, it was called ‘the creek’ but it was actually a small river that wound around the edges of the northern part of the forest, past his family’s orchard. It was a decently calm one and ice skating was normal when it froze over, so you both jumped on the idea.

Typically, an adult would check to make sure the ice was thick enough, but you weren’t babies anymore and Epel loved to ice skate. He was way too impatient to wait long enough for you to text your dad to come and check for you.

It was getting harder and harder to deny him anything, and so when he begged to be pushed around on the ice with the sleds you agreed.

Everything was fine at first, walking on the ice wasn’t exactly easy so you didn’t get very far from the edge as you tried to push him. As you re-adjusted to the skill, though, you were able to push him farther.

Epel was laughing and climbing off his sled to switch places with you when he slipped.

The sled glided away from him and he hit the ice hard.

A crack of ice spiderwebbed out from under where your friend was on his hands and knees and your laugh died in your throat.

The world stilled to a terrifying silence as your gazes met, his filled with sudden panic and yours with something so sharp and grasping you couldn’t begin to name it.

“It’s okay…” you whispered, somehow afraid if you spoke too loudly everything would fall apart.

Epel swallowed thickly, tears beading at the corner of his eyes as he tried to control his breathing, tried not to move as each tiny shift drew more snaps and tiny breaks to shoot across the ice.

“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay.”

The words were tumbling out of your lips desperately like a mantra, not sure if you were trying to calm Epel, yourself, or beg whatever deity was watching to not let your friend fall.

“I’m going to save you. I’m the hero this time, remember? Heroes save the princesses. You’re pretty like a princess, so it’ll be fine. You’re safe.”

You honestly weren’t even sure what you were saying at this point as you tried desperately to figure out a way to get to the lavender haired boy without putting more weight on the ice and causing it to break.

“I’m not a princess.” Epel managed weakly, voice warbling unevenly.

“Sure, you are. You’re a princess and I’m the manly hero.” You said firmly, spying a fallen branch that looked just long enough. “And manly heroes always save the princesses, right? That’s how the stories always go. Princesses never get hurt.”

You darted over and snatched up the branch before hurrying back to the ice and carefully stepping out as close as you could. You needed to be able to reach him.

The ice began to creak ominously under your boots, but it didn’t crack so you continued to slide yourself over until you could hold out the branch close enough for Epel to reach it.

Your heart was pounding in your ears.

“Hold onto it, ya got it? See, see it’s going to be okay.”

Epel wrapped his mitten covered fingers around the branch and clung to its rough surface desperately as he eased up on his knees.

“Come on, I’ll pull you. It’s okay. I’ll save you-“

You felt it more than heard it. A shutter through the ice below your boots.

You swung as hard as you could manage, putting all your weight against slinging Epel to the riverbank.

You felt the world drop out from beneath you, felt the freezing water engulf you to your very bones, stealing your breath.

You thought you heard your name being screamed but then you were being dragged down and only knew darkness.

-

It was sheer luck that one of your neighbors had been out hunting and heard Epel’s screams.

It was sheer luck she was able to use her weak water magic to drag you from the depths of the river and onto the snow-covered shore while also holding back the small boy from simply leaping in after you. It was luck that you hadn’t been under more than a minute or two.

It was luck that she was able to get you breathing again.

-

Your stay at the hospital lasted only a couple of days but Epel refused to leave your side for weeks.

He clung to you, large blue eyes swimming with guilt and tears he refused to let fall.

All he could think of was the determination and terror that had washed over your face when you yanked him towards the safety of the snow.

Of that instant of relief, he had seen in your eyes even as the ice gave way beneath you.

You were the bravest person he knew and neither of you had ever shied away from adventure or danger. He had walked proudly at your side knowing that you were best friends, and you could trust him to have your back. You never looked at him any different for being shorter or ‘cute’ as some of the other residents cooed. You never doubted that he could handle himself just as well as you could. He never doubted he could protect you if you needed it.

You were both wrong.

If he had been better, if he had been more like you – fearless and determined and strong – you wouldn’t have had to save him.

He wouldn’t have had to watch your still body with too-blue lips be dragged from the ice.

Wouldn’t have felt his world disappear beneath him with the earth-shattering terror that had sent him to his knees.

Wouldn’t have realized what it felt like for his heart to shatter while it still beat in his chest and know that the only possible way it would heal was if your own started beating again as well.

Wouldn’t have suffered the agonizing moments that dragged on like an eternity that clawed at his lungs and prevented him from breathing until you gave a sputtering gasp and clung to him as you coughed up lungful’s of water and mucus.

He wouldn’t have realized how weak and useless he was.

-

“Don’t ever do that again.” He whispered one night while you were both bundled up in your bed, fireplace crackling and more blankets than normal layered over you.

You couldn’t handle the cold as well as you used to.

He made sure never to go anywhere – no matter the weather – without a thick sweater tied around his waist or tucked in a bag. Just in case.

You gave a small snort and pinched his cheek.

“What are you talking about, of course a hero saves the-“

“I’M NOT A PRINCESS!” he snapped, voice hissed and full of disgust.

His chest heaved, arms trembling, but his eyes were dry.

He had sworn on the day in the hospital – when your first words were asking about his safety – that he was never going to cry again.

He would never make you worry about him again.

“I’m not a princess, ya got that!? I don’t need you protecting me! I don’t need you saving me! I’m not weak! Call me that again and I’ll punch ya!”

You blinked up at your best friend and could only manage a small nod.

“Okay.” you agreed with a whisper.

Epel glared at you like he was expecting you to say more, argue, or something, but when he saw that you didn’t plan on it, he relaxed somewhat. The tension easing from his shoulders as he flopped down and tugged the blankets over your heads again. He created a cocoon to trap in the warmth and fight off the small shivers he could feel starting to work down your spine again.

He tugged you against him so that your head was tucked under his chin, despite you still being taller.

“Good. I’m the hero from now on so don’t you forget it.” He snapped, burying his face into your hair, and tightening his hold around you, determined to fight off any chill you might get.

Determined to not let you wake up cold or alone.

“I won’t. Promise.” You whispered softly against his neck, arms wrapping around his waist and holding him back just as tightly.

You never doubted him. Even after he failed you, you never doubted him.

He was going to become a man that could live up to your trust.

The kind of man you deserved to have protecting you instead of the other way around.

He failed you once.

He’d never fail you again.

-

It was a relief to Epel that he had magic. Oh, he knew he had some, you both wouldn’t be able to fly brooms without a little bit of magic at least. But to have enough to be accepted into Night Raven College was something he had silently worried over.

If he wasn’t powerful enough to go with you – because, of course, you would be amazing enough to be accepted – how could he get strong enough to protect you?

Your matching letters on thick, ebony parchment and written in silver ink appeared at your houses on the same morning.

Epel hadn’t even bothered to put on shoes as he raced out the back door and sprinted across the fields and the orchards to the treehouse. He scampered up the rope, through the trap door and hurled himself inside but he was the first one there.

Nearly vibrating he scrambled up to the lookout and paced around the small balcony until he saw your figure sprinting through the knee length grass. He let out a whoop of excitement as he could see something dark in your hand and began wave his arms around wildly to show off his own.

He could hear your delighted laughter and wasted no time darting back down to the main ‘base’ room. By the time you had pulled yourself up the rope he was helping to yank you up through the trap door and causing the both of you to go tumbling into the nest together.

“Wediditwediditwedidit!” you babbled, throwing your arms around him.

“Night Raven here we come! Whoooo!” Epel crowed, kicking his feet in the air as he felt you laughing into his shoulder. “We’re gonna be the most powerful mages Twisted Wonderland has ever seen!”

When you had both tired yourself from the flood of excitement and adrenaline, you were both sprawled out on the blankets with your still messy bedhead resting on his stomach as you both stared up at the ceiling of your sanctuary. You knew every board and knot of wood, had watched it darken with age but not weaken over the years. Had worked together to repair the shingles that had been blown off by a particularly bad storm.

He began running his fingers through your hair, easing the tangles out absently as a warm sort of quiet settled around you both.

“…Pel?” your voice drew him from his thoughts.

“Yeah?”

“Are you nervous?”

“’Course not! I’m not afraid of anything!” he replied habitually.

There was a small pause.

“I am.” You whispered, so soft he almost missed it completely.

He blinked widely, propping himself up on his hands and looking down at you as you flushed darkly and looked away.

Epel opened his mouth to insist there was nothing for you to be worried over but something about the look in your eyes made him hesitate. He watched you for a moment before laying back down again and returning to untangling your hair.

“Why are ya nervous?” he finally asked.

You didn’t answer at first, shifting better so it was easier for him to continue running his fingers through your hair.

“…What if I’m not good enough?”

Epel didn’t understand. The thought was ludicrous to him and the mere idea that you would actually believe something like that just didn’t compute in his mind.

You were amazing. You were…you were…you. He didn’t have words to explain how wrong it was for those words to leave your lips.

“I’ll beat the shit out of anyone who tries to say you aren’t.” he all but growled, his hackles raising at the mere thought of someone saying something like that to you.

You gave a small laugh, and it warmed his chest knowing you weren’t doubting him in the slightest.

“Try not to get us expelled on the first day.” You teased.

“Oi! You say that like I’d get caught!”

“You always get us caught! What about when we tried to hide in Carroway’s truck to-“

“Hey! We agreed not to talk about that again!”

Your laughter sounded better than the pensive tone from before, so he didn’t protest too much. He did tug on a piece of your hair though, playfully.

“Seriously, if someone messes with you just tell me and I’ll take care of it.” He said.

You tilted your head faintly to smile up at him.

“I know you will.”

Because you trusted him.

And he wasn’t going to let you down.

-

When you were placed into Heartslabyul while Epel was sent to Pomefiore you were disappointed.

When Epel stormed over to you the next morning at the breakfast table you were saving a seat for him at, you could only stare.

You friend was…he looked…

“I’m joining your house.” He snarled as he dropped down beside you, painted lips pulled back and narrowed eyes lined in indigo.

You blinked, unable to form words for a moment before clearing your throat and managing a weak sort of smile.

“I-I don’t know if that’s a good-“

“I am not staying there! I can't!” he ranted, slamming his fists – nails painted the same shade as his eyeshadow – on the table.

“Our Housewarden is really strict and I don’t think you can just-“

“Epel! What did I tell you about running!” a smooth, cultured voice said sharply, making you turn to look up at one of the most beautiful people you’ve ever seen.

“I’m not staying in Pomefiore!” Epel spat back stubbornly, spine straight as he glared daggers at the tall blonde looming over the two of you.

The blonde heaved a sigh like he was suffering the start of a migraine, lightly rubbing at his temple before his gaze flickered down to you.

You in your vibrant – garish - Heartslabyul uniform and the crooked heart you had painted on the corner of your mouth with uncertain hands. His expression shifted minutely and the tilt of his lips with the rise of a perfectly sculpted eyebrow spoke volumes of just what he thought of you.

Or rather how little he thought of you.

As in not at all.

You swallowed and quickly stood, offering what you hoped was a polite smile and bow of your head.

“Hello, I’m-“

“I do not care.”

Your words died as his attention returned to Epel and he wrote you off completely, forgetting your very existence as unnecessary and unsightly.

“I certainly won’t be allowing you to leave for a house with such low standards.” He replied coolly. “Now come, you’re better off making friends with your fellow-“

But Epel snarled and was suddenly in front of you, glaring up at who you could only assume was his Housewarden.

“Don't talk about them like that.” He growled, hands clenched, and you could smell the flowery shampoo from his soft curls.

His eyes sparked and even though you could see over his head – he never did quite catch up to your height – you were absolutely certain he was ready to throw himself at the guy.

The blonde eyed him carefully and must have seen something in his expression or determination because he simply gave another tired sigh.

“Oh, very well, I will allow you to remain friends but you won’t get out of the skin care routine and if you’re going to be seen around this…potato then you should at least bring them with you. Perhaps I can make something of them so they won’t be a complete embarrassment to your reputation and our dorm.” He said, waving his hand slightly before spinning on his heels and sauntering off.

You could only blink, too stunned to really respond, and watched your best friend turn to face you.

“We’re going to the headmaster and I don’t care what I have to do but I’m not staying there.”

-

Epel was staying in Pomefiore.

The headmaster said that he had to have at least two weeks where the mirror had placed him before he was given the chance to go through the time consuming process of switching dorms.

Every time you were able to see each other he complained non-stop about his Housewarden and his overbearing nagging while you shared your laments about the red headed tyrant that ran yours.

“Maybe we can move to Scarabia…” you muttered with a weak smile during one of the evenings you were allowed to spend with Epel in his dorm room – with the caveat that you went through his skin care routine and makeup practice along with him. “Their Housewarden seems nice.”

Epel readily nodded, reaching out for the liner he had chosen specifically for you, to match the color of the heart you painted on the corner of your mouth every day.

“And they have cool uniforms, I’ll look way more manly in those than these.” He glared, reaching out to your face.

You had been close since you could learn to walk and touch was nothing new to you, but somehow, suddenly, sitting there with your -maybe too pretty – friend holding your chin felt different. The way his large eyes focused on you, leaned in a little closer than normal and began sketching out the shape of the heart on your skin and over your lips. The way his thumb brushed over them absently to fix a mistake. The way he smirked proudly when he was done and looked up to you to throw in your face how much better he was at this than you-

You both froze.

It wasn’t that you thought your friend was any more beautiful with the makeup than he had always been, or that the luxurious uniform accentuated it more than the work clothes when you would both swing around branches to harvest apples.

It was that shadow that had been there since the ice broke beneath your feet was pushed back. His chin held a little higher. His gaze fiery and more determined than you had ever seen him except for that night where he refused to be a Princess.

A bit of the confidence that you had always loved about Epel was starting to bloom again, despite his rantings about his annoying Housewarden. Vil Schoenheit had the highest standards for his students and especially the one that he was grooming as his protégé. Self-assuredness was a requirement and he certainly wasn’t about to let Epel have a weakness so easily exploited.

It stole your breath away and suddenly you had a very strong suspicion about why your heart fluttered every time he touched you now.

“I-I should go.” You stammered, scrambling to your feet and snagging your backpack from where you had dropped it by his bed. “Housewarden Rosehearts will be calling curfew soon and I don’t want to be collared.”

You fled before Epel could answer.

-

Epel did not end up leaving Pomefiore.

You didn’t end up leaving Heartslabyul.

Or rather, you weren’t allowed.

Vil had firmly declared Epel as his successor for Housewarden and with everything that happened in Heartslabyul…well you didn’t exactly get a chance to try. And then, you really didn’t want to anymore.

After the strange magicless student and their monster ‘saved’ your Housewarden somehow, it was like your dorm changed overnight. The rules remained but they were more flexible, your fellow students more quick to laugh, and the overall atmosphere lighter.

You liked your dorm mates and Housewarden now.

You enjoyed the movie nights in the lounge and the tea parties in the afternoon. You liked taking care of the hedgehogs and flamingos. You liked doing homework with your dormmates and helping Trey-senpai bake and doing makeup tutorials with Cater-senpai. Spending an afternoon painting the roses with the other first years and trying to keep Ace and Deuce from wreaking havoc in the gardens.

It was so different than your life back home but it wasn’t bad.

The etiquette was strange at first but it was also kind of fun, like rules to a game, and you really looked up to Riddle-senpai after he had apologized to you and the rest of the dorm. He was so confident and always knew what to do and what to say. He didn’t let anyone speak down to him because of what he looked like.

He reminded you of Epel, but lately you had been doing your best not to think about your best friend and so focusing on being the best Heartslabyul student you could be was easier.

You had even started experimenting with adding a little more makeup to your ‘look’ the way Cater-senpai suggested.

Not a whole lot but he made sure to point out that your eyes were ‘way viral’ – whatever that meant – so he showed you how to use liners and eyeshadow along with the heart that you had perfected on the corner of your lips.

You even worked up the courage to ask Vil-senpai for his suggestion on colors and he had sat you down for more than an hour and walked you through color matching and seasonal shades while Rook-senpai waxed poetic in the background.

He was strict and straight to the point about what he suggested you work on, but it wasn’t the cruelness that you had felt from Riddle-senpai before and so it was easy to brush off any hurt that might have come from it. Epel had always been blunt too so you were hardly a stranger to such words. You knew how to listen to what was behind them.

You knew he never meant to hurt your feelings and you were beginning to think that Vil-senpai was the same way. Or maybe, at least, that he didn’t always mean the acerbic insults he could come up with at a moment’s notice.

You could ignore it.

What wasn't easy to brush off was the look Epel shot you when he found you in his Housewarden’s room. Chin in his hand and eyeshadow being carefully applied.

“Epel! Look, we-“ you started excitedly when you noticed the lavender haired boy in the doorway.

You were having a particularly good day so far, had done well in class, gotten a head pat from Trey-senpai, and Vil-senpai had given you some good tips that you wanted to share with your friend. You thought, maybe, you could work up the courage to do HIS makeup this time. And maybe if you asked Rook-senpai he could give you help on how to tell Epel how you felt about him.

It was a terrifying thought but also electrifying.

How would it feel to hold his hand, not just as a friend? How would it feel to kiss him? Would he blush like he did when he was flustered, or would he smile at you? Would he let you wear his extra jersey to the Magift games? Would he let you take him on a date to Mostro Lounge?

“Would you just STOP, Vil!?” your friend cut you off, glaring daggers at the taller blonde and grabbing your wrist to pull you away from the vanity you had been sitting at. “No one likes your stupid makeup! They look ridiculous!”

You froze, the warm bubble in your chest disappearing as if it was never there.

“Epel, lower your voice and watch your manners.” The blonde glared, looking actually, honestly angry for the first time as his violet eyes flickered to you and then back to your best friend.

“No! You don’t get to force what you want on them! They don’t need your girly makeup or the stupid outfits!”

You liked the outfits that Vil had made him.

“Epel stop.”

“Monsieur pomme sauvage, perhaps you should-“

“Not everyone’s like you Vil.” He spat, derision dripping from his lips. “And you’re not going to drag them into all this useless shit you keep pushing on me! I’m not going to let you turn them into some kind of pathetic princess for one of your stupid shows! They’re not weak like that! I’M not weak like that! So FUCK OFF!”

Epel spun to face you, to drag you out of the room away from his now eerily silent Housewarden.

He froze when saw your expression.

You don’t know what he saw but you suspected it had something to do with the hollow feeling in your chest.

He opened his mouth, but no words came out.

You saw something in his eyes that you were too hurt to understand at the moment.

You silently pulled your wrist from his hold and without a word, left the room. Left the dorm.

He didn’t come after you.

-

You had known Epel as long as you could remember.

You knew he hadn’t meant what he said.

You knew he didn’t think you were weak or silly or ridiculous.

But things had started to change while you were at NRC. You had started to change, grow and experience things you never had before. Cultures and habits so different from your small country home. A home you still loved, still wanted to return to, but one that you could now see wasn’t the whole world as you had once thought it to be.

You didn’t like everything here. You didn’t like how certain foods were restricted to certain days in Heartslabyul – that did seem silly to you – and you could agree that Vil-senpai was a little too strict on what he expected of his housemates’ presentation to be at all hours of the day.

But there was so much that you did like.

You liked being creative with makeup and trying clothes that had certainly never been available in the stores near your town. You liked learning dances and practicing with the other first years and Riddle-senpai. He was stern but kind, now, and never degraded you for not knowing the different waltzes and ballroom dancing that were so common in his Queendom. You liked how pretty things could be with lace tablecloths and polished tea sets.

It was new and interesting and lovely.

But Epel hated it.

Epel hated all of it and while he had regained a lot of his stubborn determination that he once held, he didn’t see what you saw. He didn’t want to be anything like Pomefiore or Heartslabyul. He wanted to be in Savanaclaw where he could prove how strong he was.

You didn’t think he needed to prove anything.

But he still hated it.

You realized there had never been a chance to see him where he hadn't complained about something he didn’t like about Pomefiore or his Housewarden.

Complained about his love of makeup.

Complained that he was vapid and shallow, only caring about looks.

Complained that Vil was hardly a man at all with how he dressed.

So many things that he hated.

So many things that you were starting to like.

But then…did that mean he wouldn’t like you anymore?

If you admitted to liking the makeup and enjoying tea parties where you laughed with friends over pastries…

Would he hate you too?

“Sometimes,” Cater-senpai had said as he patted your head. “People change. Sometimes that change brings people together…sometimes it pushes them apart.” He glanced over to where Trey-senpai was helping their housewarden with the hedgehog pens. “There’s not much you can do about that but stay true to yourself.”

“But I…I don’t know who I am without Epel.”

“Then maybe you should find out.”

-

Epel didn’t text you.

For a week neither of you called or texted or interacted with each other at all.

It was…it hurt.

You hated it.

The other Heartslabyul boys didn’t miss your dispirited mood and did their best to spend time with you. Ace, Deuce, Jaq, Kai, Hachi, and Sei dragged you into every ‘first years only’ get together they had. Trey always seemed to need an extra pair of hands in the kitchen whenever he saw you. Cater would insist that you were the only one that could help him with his Magicam videos.

And Riddle-senpai decided that you needed extra tutoring and so would spend evenings going over homework with you – sometimes with the other first years or Trey and sometimes just the two of you.

It left you with little chance to miss Epel except when you were alone in bed, shivering as you couldn’t quite warm up despite the heavy velvet blankets.

But…you started to have fun again.

It was nice having friends, so many friends that were there to tease and support you. To urge you into what you liked and to try new things but also didn’t hold back from playfully insisting that you were the ‘Heartslabyul Princess’ now.

The one time Riddle-senpai heard that he blushed such a dark shade of crimson that you were afraid he would pass out.

You wished you could share it with Epel. You wished he could see all the great things you saw.

“Then you should show him.”

You glanced up to see Riddle watching you from across the table, expression serious and thoughtful.

“Tell him how you feel and what makes you happy. If he does not accept that…then he is not good enough for you.”

Those words didn’t make sense at all to you. Epel was the best. He was amazing in so many ways, he was…he was Epel.

If anything, you weren’t good enough for him.

“If he cannot see you as you are and respect that, love you for it, then he is a fool.”

-

“Ah, there you are little potato.”

You looked up from where you had been wandering down the halls in the direction of the library. Vil and Rook stood before you, perfect as always. You thought you saw a flash of something in the Housewarden’s eyes, but it was gone too quickly to understand.

“Vil-senpai, Rook-senpai, it’s nice to see you. Did you need my help with something?” you asked, uncertain why they would approach you when you hadn’t been around their little ‘apple’ for weeks.

“Nothing of consequence.” Vil assured as he pulled a liner from his pocket.

It was the exact shade of crimson that he had decided was best for your complexion before Epel had interrupted you.

You blinked as he held it out and then placed it in your hand.

“I simply noticed that your lines are not as smooth. Your old one must have started to dry out so you this one instead and be sure to put the cap back on securely after each use.”

Your eyes widened as you looked up at the gorgeous upper-classman and stammered what you hoped was a ‘thank you’. It must have at least been passable since the Housewarden’s glossy lips pulled into a bemused smile before he moved to continue on past you.

“W-wait!” you said suddenly, not really sure why you were doing this.

You could just text.

You could call.

But you were terrified.

Vil paused to glance back at you, an elegant eyebrow arched in question.

“Vil-senpai, is….I-I mean…” you swallowed thickly, feeling the heat rise to your cheeks. “H-how is…”

When it was obvious you couldn’t manage to finish what you were trying to say, he simply gave a soft huff of a sigh.

“Seeing as how you are not nearly as troublesome as your fellow dormmates, I suppose I will allow you to continue to visit Pomefiore. So long as you act accordingly, of course.”

Your heart leaped in year chest and Rook flashed a cheeky smile your way.

“Oui, we have quite missed your lovely visits, petit coeur.” He winked. “Our talented magift team will be practicing this afternoon but I’m sure a treat of the apple pie you baked last time would be greatly enjoyed.”

A bright smile bloomed on your face and you quickly nodded.

“Y-yes! Yes, I’ll be there!” you said quickly before spinning on your heels and darting back the way you came.

You had some baking to do after all and not very long to make it perfect.

Maybe you could talk to Epel and figure this all out.

It would be okay.

-

Epel didn’t know if he hated Vil more…or himself.

He tried so many times. Opened your text thread so often and typed out so many different apologies he had stopped keeping count.

And each time he had frozen.

Each time his thumb had hovered over the ‘send’ but been unable to gather the courage to press it.

The expression on your face would flash through his memory and he would desperately erase whatever he had been trying to say, knowing none of it would be good enough.

Growing up together you had squabbled before, of course. It was what kids did.

With it just being the two of you, though, there had been no other choice but to make up if you didn’t want to be friendless for the rest of your lives.

And none of the fights had been like…this.

Nothing he had ever said or did had caused you to look…had hurt you so deeply.

Like he had grabbed one of Rook’s hunting knives and stabbed it into your chest with his own two hands.

What could he say, what could he do to make up for that?

He didn’t even really get it.

He didn’t understand why you were warming up to Vil or Rook. He didn’t get why you were so willing to eat lunch with the other Heartslabyul boys when he was right there. Why you let Cater paint you up and then plaster your picture all over his Magicam page with tags like #Heastlabyulprincess or #twocuteiestoocute for everyone to see. Why you didn’t mind when your Housewarden would stand so close to you while fixing your uniform.

Why did he have to fight everyone else off just to enjoy some time alone with you now?

You were his best friend!

He was your best friend!

Wasn't he?

Why did you care about these other guys now over him?

Couldn’t you see how much he loved you? How much he wanted to be the perfect guy for you? Wanted to make you proud to be with him and hang on his arm. Wanted you to know that he would protect you like you had protected him?

Did you not think he could?

Did you not think he was good enough?

Had watching Vil paint him and dress him up like a doll make you think that he wouldn’t be able to keep you safe? That he would leave you to go with Vil into some celebrity fantasy that his annoying Housewarden kept blabbering on about? As if he could possibly be happy with all this frilly shit instead of a small cottage with you near the orchard that he would inherit, and you would both care for together?

Clearly, he had to prove to you that you were what he wanted. That no matter what stupid house he had been put into or the stifling rules that the tyrant was strangling you with, he would be the same. He wouldn’t let it change who he was. He would always be the boy you had grown up with and held against nightmares and picked leaves out of your hair when you would both jump into piles of them during the fall.

He would be the anchor for you in this ridiculous school that obviously didn’t see how amazing you were just as you always had been.

He would prove it to you.

He just needed to make himself better first. He needed to learn what he could from the strong students at NRC and prove to them all that he wasn’t the delicate little flower that Vil was trying to turn him into.

He tried talking with Rook first, of course, since he was the most easily accessible – and really the guy was rather terrifying despite that ridiculous haircut and personality – but he could only understand about a third of the weirdness he spouted off so Epel gave up on that avenue quickly.

Leona was the second person he tried attaching himself to. The prince was everything he wished he could be. Tall, strong, fearsome. No one would dare try to say he was weak and even if they did they would regret it.

Unfortunately, the Savanaclaw Housewarden wasn’t the mentoring type and even though he was the magift captain all of his ‘training’ and help revolved around the game and that was it. He barely gave Epel the time of day outside of the field. He even tried bugging Ruggie for hints of what the lion might suggest but the hyena just rolled his eyes and brushed him off like all the rest.

It was only when he stubbornly attached himself to Jack’s side and refused to let go of the wolf’s track jersey until he agreed to give him pointers, that he was able to make progress.

“I don’t get what you’re trying to do.” The therianthrope admitted as he ran his hand through his hair exasperated. “I’m not trying to be ‘manly’ or whatever. I’m just being me. If you’re trying to get stronger, though, I guess working out more and doing weights might help.” He shrugged. “I jog with Vil-senpai in the mornings. You’re welcome to joi-“

“No!” Epel snapped angrily, not wanting to have to spend even more time around the older teen than he already did.

Jack rolled his eyes.

“Fine, whatever, I weight lift every other day and there’s a gym in Savanaclaw. If you want to join me it shouldn’t be a problem as long as you don’t keep trying to pick fights with my housemates. Leona-senpai is getting annoyed at all the noise.”

Epel beamed up at his new friend, nearly bouncing on his toes.

“Great! I’ll be there!”

You might not be talking with him at the moment but just wait, he’ll be super manly when you did and he’ll sweep you off your feet!

-

“So who is it that you’re trying to impress? Not that I care or anything.” Jack said after one of their now regular workouts together, running a towel over his face.

Epel sputtered, face flaming as he quickly hid it in his own towel with the excuse of wiping off the sweat that had gathered.

“N-no one! Why would you think I’m trying to impress anyone!? I just want to get stronger!” he said, though the unusual pitch of his voice gave his lie away easily even if Jack couldn’t practically smell it on him already.

The wolf raised an eyebrow down at the shorter boy and Epel stubbornly looked away, draping the towel around his neck and busying himself with fixing the short ponytail he had pulled his hair into.

“Sure.” The wolf snorted under his breath. “Then who are you not trying to impress? Your Housewarden? That Heartslabyul friend of yours?”

“Why would I want to impress Vil!?” he hissed instantly, ruffling at the very idea.

It only made him look like an angry little kitten.

“So it’s the little heart princess?”

“Princess!? Don’t call them that!” he snapped back. “They’re not like Vil, okay! They’re strong and brave! They wouldn’t be a princess.”

Jack just wrinkled his nose at him.

“What are you talking about? Vil isn’t weak and what in the Seven’s kind of fairytales have you been reading?” he asked dryly. “More than half of our school’s founders were fierce Queens that no one could stand up against.”

He gave a derisive snort.

“That’s different, Jack. Besides, it’s not going to matter because I’m going to get stronger and then join Savanaclaw with you. Then I won’t have to worry about Vil or whatever stupid play or modeling practice he comes up with.”

“I thought you said the Headmage said you couldn’t change houses.” The wolf asked as they exited the Savanaclaw mirror and started towards Pomefiore.

He usually followed him to at least give a hello to Vil before he started on his afternoon run.

“Yeah, well I’ll change his mind.” Epel said firmly, tilting his chin up stubbornly as they stepped through the mirror and started up the perfectly manicured walk to the elegant castle.

“Right, well, when you join Savanaclaw you’d better be ready for initiation. They’re not going to go easy on someone with a face like yours.” He warned.

“Oh yeah, well they’ll just find out what I can do!” Epel grinned viciously, already imagining himself in the leather and yellow uniform.

How cool he would look and how he could impress you by taking down all the therianthrope and taller humans that wanted to bully him for his face. The same ones that he knew would try to tease you for the Heartslabyul tea parties and makeup. He’d show them how cool you were too and then you could come with him! You’d look great in leather!

He just had to figure out the best way to words things so that you’d know how sorry he was for not being able to make Vil leave you alone.

Epel’s day dreams were cut off, though, when he started towards the grand staircase up to the dorm room floors and heard your voice call out to him. He froze, not having expected to see you so suddenly and definitely not at his dorm around the other Pomefiore students.

He looked over to see you coming from one of the side parlours. Your smile was small and unsure but warm as always.  Clearly awkward but at least not with that hollow look in your eyes anymore.

“Hi, Pel.” You said, your gaze flicking over to Jack for a moment before back to him. “I…uh, Vil-senpai said you would be out of practice but then Stefan said you had gone to Savanaclaw to meet a friend. I’m not…interrupting, right?”

“N-no, not at all! This is Jack, Jack meet my best friend.” He said quickly, telling him your name before focusing on you again. “I just wasn’t expecting you. It’s…nice to see you.” He admitted, something in his chest settling as he hadn’t seen you in so long and it felt like a breath of fresh air having you beside him again.

Warmth flooded your eyes and he watched the little heart on the corner of your mouth dimple that made him wonder why people thought he was cute when you were right there.

Still, he saw the clear signs that his Housewarden had gotten his hands on you. Your eyes were lined even more elaborately than usual with a mix of crimson and gold. Your heart was shimmery as if an extra layer had been added to your normal design. Your hair was even up in a style that he had seen Cater post on his Magicam.

Epel had watched the video of the older teen’s hands brush through and fix your hair while narrating what exactly he was doing and what kinds of hair types the style would go with until he had it memorized. The only reason he hadn’t watched it on mute was every now and then you’d make a comment or laugh at one of Cater’s jokes and he had missed the sound of your laugh so much it physically hurt.

He remembered how Cater’s fingers had lingered along your neck or tucked accessories into place so gently and he couldn’t help but scrunch his nose.

“Come on, you can come up to my room and get all that mess off you.”

He saw Jack wince out of the corner of his eye and quickly make an exit, but he was focused on you. He reached for your hand but you wouldn’t let him pull you up the stairs.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, glancing into the parlour where he could see his Housewarden and Rook chatting quietly around an overly decorated table with tea and what he thought was apple pie.

He was surprised that Vil actually allowed such an unhealthy food in his dorm.

“Epel…I wanted to talk with you.” You finally said, pulling his gaze back, though your smile was a little more uncertain before.

“Sure, come on, you can spend the night. Nan sent me some of our normal soap so you wash off that flowery shit.” He said, hoping to entice you to stay with him.

It’d be like back home. He could hold you close and keep you warm like a real boyfriend would.

He could ask you to let him be your boyfriend.

He didn’t understand why your smile kept fading.

“Epel…I know you don’t like Pomefiore. I know you don’t agree with what Vil-senpai is trying to teach-“

“Force.” He interceded.

“…force you to do. I talked with him. He said maybe we can try different things. You don’t have to do everything exactly like him. We can find our own styles together and-“

“I have a style!” he pointed out, feeling a bit defensive now.

Why had you been talking with Vil and not him?

Why did you seem to want to be around everyone else except him?

“I know you do, Epel, and I like you the way you are. That doesn’t mean we can’t try things though, right? It’s like the lemon crisps Trey-senpai made. Riddle-senpai said it’s best to try it so you can find out what you like and don’t like. I didn’t like it but I’m glad I tried it at least. I tried the treacletarts even though I didn’t think they looked good and I ended up really liking them. Maybe if you tried different things you could find some things you do like. Things that we can do together and-“

“Is Vil forcing you into this? Hm?” he finally snapped, gripping onto your hand tighter. “You shouldn’t listen to him, you know. He wants to turn you into one of his little dolls. He wants to use you as an accessory and then throw you away. You don’t need any of that stuff! You don’t need to stay in Heartslabyul. We can go to Savanaclaw together and-“

“But I like it!”

He blinked.

“What?”

Your fingers trembled in his.

“I like learning about makeup, Epel.” You said softly, eyes hurt and unsure but also not backing down. “I like baking with Trey-senpai and trying different hairstyles. I like seeing the different kinds of clothes that Vil-senpai designs even if I don’t want to wear them all. I like dancing and reading and tea parties. I like magift and flying. I like climbing trees. I like playing croquet with the flamingos and hedgehogs. I like it and I don’t want to stop or leave.”

Epel’s chest was tightening, and he didn’t understand why you were saying this.

“But you look better without it.” He said desperately, trying to make you understand.

Wishing you would see what he saw. How people were changing you.

He just wanted his best friend back.

He wanted things how they used to be.

“Then why are you trying to change?” you finally ask in a small voice. “You keep saying how you’re going to get ‘stronger’ and ‘manlier’. What if I like you the way you are too?”

Epel’s nose wrinkled again in disgust.

“Stop teasing me. Don’t you think I know what others say about me? How even people from our town still call me ‘cute’ when I’m already sixteen!? I’m not a kid! I’m not some pretty princess that’s going to dress up and smile for a camera! I’m not going to let them talk about me like-“

“THEN STOP CARING ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK!” your voice broke, wobbling as Epel just didn’t understand.

“I never thought you were weak or less ‘manly’ than anyone else!” you added, neither of you noticing that the other Pomefiore students had been quickly ushered out of the foyer by their Housewarden and Vice-Housewarden.  “You're the one that thinks that! You are the one that’s trying to force me to do what you want, not Vil-senpai!”

Epel’s eyes widened as you pulled your hand away again.

He felt your fingers slipping from his grasp and his breath went with it.

You were shivering.

“I don’t want you to change into something you don’t want to be…I don’t want you to force yourself to be something you’re not.” You whispered, lip trembling. “But I’m not going to let you force me to be something you want, either.”

“I…wait, stop, it’s okay. I don’t mind you liking that stuff! Really!” he said desperately, grabbing at your shoulders to prevent you from leaving. “I think you’re cute with or without makeup! It’s fine! And if you want to stay at Heartslabyul that’s okay too! You-…you could spend the night over in Savanaclaw with me sometimes! And you can try all the stuff you want before we go home! I don’t mind! Really! We can tell nana and your pop and I bet they’ll all laugh about it! It’ll be great and it’s okay if you’re a princess, right? You’d make a much better princess than me anyway and-“

“So…it’s okay to be a princess?”

“Yes! Yes definitely!” Epel said, trying to figure out what the right thing to say was.

What he needed to say to make you stay.

To not lose his best friend.

“But it’s only okay if I’m the princess.” Your tone was…he wasn’t sure.

Something was wrong and he could tell but he didn’t know why he was suddenly so terrified. Why it felt like you were already out of his reach.

“I-…”

“Because you don’t want to be a princess because they’re weak. They’re silly and shallow. It’s okay if I’m one though. It’s okay if I’m silly and shallow and weak.”

“That’s not…that’s not what I meant.” He swallowed thickly, realizing that maybe…maybe he should have listened more to Rook and watched how he said things…

“I know what you meant.”

No. No you didn’t understand. You didn’t understand how much he needed you to be with him. How he just wanted you back. How he wished neither of you had come to NRC at all.

You could have stayed at his orchard for your entire lives. You could have gotten married and grown old together and maybe even had kids someday or adopted. He would have made you so happy. You would have been so much happier than the hurt and resigned state you were now.

He wouldn’t have had to feel you letting go.

“Wait…” he whispered as you took a step back and out of his grasp. “You can’t leave…please, you can’t…”

“You don’t get to tell me what I can and can’t do, Epel.” You said sadly. “Besides, I’m sure you’ll forget about me soon…it’s not like you seem to like who I am anymore, anyway.”

Epel couldn’t move. He couldn’t speak. He couldn’t breathe.

Just like he had been on the riverbank years ago, he could only watch as you disappeared from view.

But this time there was no one there to drag you back to him.

Because he was the one who pushed you away.

-

That winter break he slipped wordlessly out the back door, ducking his head away from the worried looks his grandparents sent him.

The trudge to the treehouse was unusually silent with a fresh blanket of snow heavy on the ground with only the crunch of it under his boots breaking it.

He climbed up the rope and pushed open the trapdoor, hearing it creak in protest after being unused for so long.

He would need to oil the hinges.

Things were exactly as they had been left. The blankets still rumpled in the corner, a couple of books you had been reading stacked on the small end table, the sparkly rock that you had found while treasure hunting still decorating the shelf above the window.

But you weren’t there.

After the argument you had had, the other Heartslabyul boys had apparently named him enemy of the state and done everything they could to keep him from being able to talk to you. To apologize. To do something to make you see just how sorry he was and how much he missed you.

He even tried talking to Rook about how to get you to understand how much he needed you.

The hunter just gave him a sad, almost disappointed look.

“Aa, but that is the thing, pomme sauvage.” He said gently, patting his shoulder. “Have you asked them what they need?”

He hadn’t been able to answer.

He put in the request to move to Savanaclaw again, and this time Vil did not refuse it.

He was glad about that. It made it easier. And Savanaclaw was great! Really! He loved how free it was and hanging out with the others and he could focus on training for magift and working out with Jack. The uniform was way more comfortable and so cool!

It didn’t seem to matter anymore when he watched the Heartslabyul Housewarden slide off his uniform jacket to drape around your shoulders.

He suddenly didn’t care that no one forced him to fix his hair in the mornings before class when he watched the red head escort you with all the chivalry of a knight.

It was all pointless as he watched you smile and laugh, bringing a softness to your Housewarden’s face that only you seemed to be able to cause. Listen to you chatter about random things the way you used to with him, only for it to be directed at Riddle now instead.

Watched as he treated you so kindly but with so much respect, like an actual princess.

Watched as you leaned in and pressed a kiss to his cheek.

You had gotten permission from your parents to stay with some of the other Heartslabyul boys over the break.

He only learned about this because they had told his grandparents.

Epel crawled over to the blankets and didn’t even bother shaking them out before wrapping them around himself and trying to block out the world.

You should have just let him fall through the ice.

It would have been less painful.

==================

Whelp I did not mean for this to become so long and rambly but it just kept going and getting angstier. (Blame Ciel, they supported the angst brainrot) This really was supposed to be a cute fluffy Childhoodfriend! AU but turned into kind of a character analysis-ish on Epel's views on masculinity and such. I don't hate Epel but he's a dumb teenage boy with a complex and he doesn't always know how to see past his own views. Hopefully he'll grow!

Tell me what you think <3

[plutorine]

Thoughts on Demons (2014)

this was originally going to be part of my demons (2014) thread on my twitter, but i'll just be dumping my thoughts about the series here on tumblr. i'll continue where i left off from where i closed the thread.

spoilers below the cut. there will be triggering content as well (suicide, mention of blood). don't expect this to be coherent. also i haven't read the book yet (oooh when i tell you about how desperate i am in getting a copy here in the PH), so yeah.

long read ahead.

okay. the last scene i watched last night was liza nikolaevna (and mavriky) getting beaten by the townspeople after the death of the lebyadkins due to her connection to stavrogin (and stavrogin being the main suspect of the siblings' death). did they really have to beat the poor girl? why must a woman (yet again) suffer from the misdeeds of a man HGKJDGFJGHDK

also pyotr,,, maniacally dancing in the pig pen....

man. the whole thing about shatov finally getting the chance to be a father and live with a family of his own only to be shot in the head by pyotr is just. :((( my jaw was on the floor i tell you. i was devastated and utterly wrecked.

the thing with demons (2014) is that it's on a different level of insanity than, say, c&p. c&p is depressing. demons wrecked me from start to finish. i cannot stress how many times the hairs on the back of my head stood up whenever pyotr would manipulate and rope in stavrogin in his plans.

it has the vibes of like,, trying so desperately to wash off blood from your hands but the blood just "magically" keeps on getting redder and redder and it doesn't really come off

also what the fuck was that pyotr??? mans just shot shatov in point-blank range and has the audacity to eat chicken (without washing his hands, to boot)??? like OH you going to HELL hell.

this scene with kirillov's lines:

i mentioned in the thread that i had to brush up on russian history before i read/watch demons because otherwise, it would just completely fly over my head

it was pretty interesting watching how this movement that pyotr was trying to mobilize fit the existing narrative then within the context of 19th century russian politics; demons was essentially dostoevsky "warning" of what could possibly be if people who thought like verkhovensky would get the upper hand in deciding the course of the russia's future

i admit i can't really speak about this because well, i'm not russian, but i deeply appreciate the how dostoevsky was able to weave all of this in his novel in such a way that leaves even me, a foreigner, in deep thought about what the implications of such an ideology would have on a wider context outside its country of origin

ok kirillov wtf HAHAHAHAHA ang gago niya XD

stavrogin's confession.

VILE. stavrogin you VILE, VILE, MAN. i don't have any words for it at all. raskolnikov ends up looking like a saint when i put him next to stavrogin.

on another note maksim matveev's teary-eyed face in that scene is so fucking beautiful i almost cried along with him

i seriously want to ask dostoevsky why he insists on making beautiful the characters that we're supposed to dislike/critique

heck even that notion warrants much introspection

like he's about to k-word himself but he still looks so hot? okay i need to stfu

i like the bit here with tikhon talking about revolutions and such:

this reminds me very much of my country's very own EDSA Revolution (there's EDSA Uno and Dos, but I'm talking more about EDSA Uno here because it's probably more relevant to the political state of my country rn). i won't go into depth about it, but you can check the wiki of it to get an idea of what i mean.

(they can be *gets shot*)

the ending scene. okay.

i talked about this w my twt moot and according to her, the most accepted theory is that the kid there (with dasha) is stavrogin's, and verkhovensky's reaction to seeing them there was like him getting the idea to continue his failed twisted plan, but with the kid in the place of his father. just. what the fuck man. leave that kid alone.

i was also told that this scene wasn't really in the book? yeah. so there's that.

concluding thoughts:

at this point i'm quite used to ruslit plots wrecking my mental state and subjecting me to emotions that make me want to stare at a wall, so this experience with watching demons (2014) was not as jarring as i feared it to be XD as expected, there were really some scenes that left me like "huh??? 🤨🤨", but really that's because i haven't read the book. what i plan to do is once i get the book, i'm gonna read it as i revisit the series.

also maksim matveev? yeah. that man is HOT hot. i could stare at his stavrogin all day if i could.

that's it for me! thank you to everyone who engaged with the thread, it made the experience of watching demons (2014) more enjoyable.

my next target watch on the dostoevsky adaptation list is the italian tbk film!! that or the 1968 russian one. will definitely make a live commentary thread about either on twitter as well.

[metatemu]

Who Am I? An Introduction: Setting the Game Board.

“You are the only Yuugi Mutou in the whole world.” 

This is, perhaps, the most important line in the series. A penultimate affirmation, a triumphant declaration. There is, in this line, the knowledge of standing across from someone, and being able to see them as themselves. To be able to know the answer to “who are you?” To look at someone, and be able to answer that question. 

“Who am I?” 

“I am the only Yuugi Mutou in the whole world.”

This is the axis in which this world turns, to answer the questions “who are you,” and “who am I?” Taking a lens to this question--that is, the question of “who am I?” and how it is explored through the series Yu-Gi-Oh!--lands on the walking metaphor of identity, memory, history, and personhood that is the Spirit of the Millennium Puzzle, and how this character is used as a lens of identity--particularly in contrast to the main character himself, Yuugi Mutou. 

This essay series itself will seek the answer that question for the Spirit of the Puzzle, not in a literal sense (for his birth name, Pharaoh Atem, is well-known enough of a spoiler that Duel Links features his name in the DSOD map, spoken by Yuugi) but in a sense of identity exploration, relationship exploration, thematic exploration, as well as a literal history and personality exploration that the series keeps purposefully vague, in the name of presenting the character the same way he is experienced by the characters in the story--as a person whom is gradually uncovered. As the heart of a mystery, as the unanswered riddle of the majority of the story. 

(“Something you can see, but you can’t see.”)

This is the riddle at the heart of the story, answered in different ways and by different characters, 

and one of the ways this riddle is answered is by the name Atem.

But first, every game has rules. 

First and foremost, this world is simply not the same as our own. Nightmare Masterclass put it better in his video on “This House Has People In It,” (which I advise for understanding the lens of magical realism, and how it is used in the genre of fiction) but I will be working in the genre of magical realism as a way to analyze this story. I simply have no interest in doing a CinemaSins style ding! for every time the world of Yu-Gi-Oh! does not match with the understanding of our own world. Going into this story, you simply have to accept that Seto Kaiba has the influence and money and resources to buy out an entire city for two days, build a space station with a space elevator, and hold a death tournament on live broadcast and walk away without a care in the world. You have to accept that Destiny Draw is a duelist skill in this world, and that it is a recognized thing within the setting. You have to accept that every game is an expression of a battle between wizards over destiny, and that there is no such thing as a casual game between friends as long as magic exists in this world. You have to accept the roving Yo-Yo! gangs, children getting their hands on guns and holding people at knife point over toys, and the fact that the systems we know about (mental health, law enforcement, government, etc.) simply do not come into the picture at any point in this story. There will be no speculation on why this is, or why the characters did not act on these systems. Any discussion will be a pre-emptive argument on why these systems were not used or acted upon in the minds of characters or the powers in place that would, in our own world, step in. The world, as it is set in Yu-Gi-Oh!, is a world where games decide the outcome of the fate of countries, governments, and the fate of humanity itself. It was laid out on page one. This world runs off of games, all other systems of power come secondary to the mystical and magical nature of this world system. 

Following that, the story will also be analyzed with an understanding of the logic of the world and characters determined by their own thoughts, feelings, and actions, as well as the system that the story decides to judge characters on, and why it is done that way. It will be up to the reader to decide why and how a character should be judged. For example, a reader might find Sozoji (the bully from the karaoke chapter) much more sympathetic than Pegasus, because Sozoji objectively did less damaging things than Pegasus. However, that is purely up to the reader to decide. This series of essays will not be written to lecture a person on characters, whom a person should like, whom a person should dislike, or, following that, any judgment on a person based on that. A person’s own values are determined by their own life circumstances, by their own truth, and by their own heart. A person’s past and future are things that are only held inside themselves. That is what I wish to uncover and explore. Through understanding someone in their totality, you tend to understand yourself better. That is the thing I find most interesting, and what I want to explore--the difficult process of understanding yourself through understanding someone else. Yuugi came to understand himself better by helping Atem recover his identity. This is the thing I wish to present to you, any thoughts and opinions or feedback is very welcome. I am not seeking to convince you of anything--only seeking to tell you and share with you the love I have for this series, and how much it has given me.

I will be engaging with this series through both the Watsonian perspective, and the Doylian perspective, and I will try to make it clear when and where I am using both lenses to engage with the story. For example, I take into account what Takahashi says often, which puts a lot of commentary on the series into the “Doylian” perspective. I also, naturally, try to engage with the world in the view in which the characters see it, which is the “Watsonian” perspective. The author’s views are invaluable as a look into the story. I will be taking interviews, Takahashi’s comments on the new releases, and Takahashi’s comments on the original volume releases into account. I will also be pulling from as many sources as possible to be sure on the proper translations. Quite a lot of fan translations exist online, and I’ve used quite a lot as well, but the only objective source I can use would be the Viz Media release for the original run in Shonen Jump!, since I have no access to any more sources that are not unofficial or fan released. I love reading commentary on fan translations, but I cannot fully rely on them, so the best I can do is use the official release. Another important thing to note is that I, of course, am not an expert. I have never met Takahashi, never worked for Konami, and the most I can do is read the intentions of the author, and interpret them. I am not an official source for canon, and I will not be speaking as an official source. All I can do is present my findings, and trust that someone will find them worthwhile.

I will be exclusively using the manga as a source for all of this work. The anime has some great supplements (I am a particularly huge fan of the additions given to Mana and Mahad in the world of memories, as well as the Capsule Monsters spinoff) but I will not be using any other source for any official writings. I do have my preferences to some changs (putting Mana, Mahad, and Atem in the same age group, as well as the theme of making Dark Yuugi into Yuugi’s literal shadow in the Toei adaptation) but those are adaptations based on the original source material. The source material, and the source material alone will be the basis of this writing. I may look at the second anime adaptation later, but for this essay series, I will not be looking any further than the manga. 

All of that being said, I will be releasing the parts slowly over time. I am doing a final reread of the series, and I have compiled my topics together. After this final reread, I will be releasing the first topic: Atem’s relationships with the core friend group (Jounouchi, Anzu, Honda, Otogi, and Ryou) followed by an analysis on the truth behind Memory World. 

I hope you enjoy it!

[fuckmeyer]

Ok that was amazing!!! I would love more behind the scenes details on CN now 😭 still on my phone so apologies if this is too long

“Answer the question, Isabella,” said Edward. “When did you last feel you were alive?”

With you, I thought immediately. Which led me to a grimmer answer.

“When I jumped off the cliff.”

What if I really had drowned?

“I heard about that,” he said quietly. “Rose told me. She said you were trying to kill—”

“Well, I wasn’t.”

“Well, you did,” he said. “God, if we weren’t already dead, I imagine I would be furious at you for doing something so stupid.”

“We aren’t already dead.”

“True,” he said. “There is a possibility I am somehow still alive, and my hallucination of you is simply filling in the gaps based on the information I’ve received.”

“You’re alive, I’m alive, and I’m right here.”

I lunged towards him again.

He dodged me, again.

Then he laughed at me. Again.

I wheeled around and snapped, “It’s not funny.”

“Isabella Swan, who lives thousands of miles away in one of the remotest parts of the country, who has never been farther east than Boston, is sitting next to me in a dungeon in Italy as I wait for the Volturi? Yes, in fact, I find it quite hilarious.” Except his laugh hadn’t sounded amused. Actually, he sounded bitter—and thirsty. “I cannot believe that as a figment of my own imagination you should need me to spell out how farfetched a scenario this is.”

“I cannot believe that as a real live person who’s sitting next to you in a dungeon in Italy, I have to convince you I’m really here. Newsflash: stranger things have happened.”

“Such as a vampire falling in love with a human?” he joked dryly. I groaned, rubbing my face in annoyance. “Don’t get me wrong, I understand your existence is predicated on my believing you’re real, thus you’ll do anything in your power to convince me. While I’ll readily admit to fantasizing about you being here, you’re kidding yourself if you think I’m insane enough to believe you’re actually here.”

Oh god. He was insane.

“As far as I’m concerned,” he continued, “we have two possible theories. Either I’m alive and you’re another hallucination—”

“You can hear my heartbeat,” I said, voice crackling. “You can smell my scent. If you wanted to, you could—” taste my blood “—t-touch me, and you’d know—”

“Ah, there it is.”

“What?”

“You want me to touch you,” he accused.

My cheeks had grown so hot, my head pounded. “That’s— I’m just saying, if you wanted to—”

“If I wanted to, what?” he snapped. “If I wanted to, I could taste your blood, is that it? Is that what you want?” I shook. When my lips parted, the bottom one trembled. The chill in his words ran through my veins. “What a convenient situation we find ourselves in. A starving vampire and his singer are trapped in a tiny box where no one can hear her cries for help, and she is throwing herself at me, begging me to touch her so she can—"

“Not throwing. Not begging. No. I-I’m not—I’m not saying you should drink me,” I said, nervousness making my voice uneven. “I’m saying if you wanted to go about this empirically, you would touch me. If I was a hallucination, you wouldn’t be able to.”

“Which provides us a perfect segway into theory number two,” Edward said without acknowledging my comment: “I’m in hell.”

“Hell!”

“Of course, you would want me to touch you.” The edge in his tone grew. “You want me to bite you, don’t you? You want me to taste your blood. You want me to drink every last drop from your beautiful veins until nothing is left because you are mine, mine—”

“All I’m asking is that you definitively prove I don’t exist. Which you can’t. Because I do. I’m trying to make you see that I’m real. That’s it.”

The low growl that punctuated our conversation made me shiver. Every molecule in my body tingled at the same frequency.

“And the second I buy into the idea that we’re finally together,” he said, “you’re going to die in my arms. I see your tricks.”

thank you, anon! :)

COME NIGHTFALL CHAPTER 27: VOLTERRA - DVD COMMENTARY

[i rewrote their meeting scene about a thousand times. i have a billion versions of that Verdict chapter where Edward is anywhere from a slobbering mess to a conniving little gremlin child. anyway, this is the earliest version of this scene, written March 2021:

In the darkness of the cell, I could see nothing except Edward’s marble-black eyes. His growl stole through the air around me. He circled me; the air sifted around me, choking me with dirt and blood and wet rat smell.

I came all the way here to die at the hands of my mate. I survived Victoria and Laurent and Jasper to die at the hands of my mate. I went all that way and went through all that effort to die by the hands of the person I thought I loved. My “mate”. Fuck this guy.

I swallowed, breathing ragged. “Kill me, coward. Do it.”

The growling ceased.

“Edward.”

In the corner, he snarled and snapped his jaws; I flinched, still blind in the dark.

“You’re not real.”

“You can’t smell me?”

Edward erupted into a grin of gleaming black teeth. I inhaled. “Nice try.” Clothing rustled, and a tiny thwip of paper hitting the ground.

My fingers fumbled around the sharp, folded edges of thick paper. My thumb traced the shape several times over. “A crane.” But that paper… Despite the musty stink of the cell, I smelled charcoal, acrylic, dried b—

Dried blood.

My dried blood.

The drawing I had given him. He had folded it. Into a crane.

“My crane.”

Edward’s slight cackle wheezed through his crackling chest; I flinched at the sound. “Can you believe I haven’t killed you yet?”

“Are you going to?”

“No,” he said without hesitation. Then added, “I am going to die here.”

My heart sunk. “You can’t die here.”

“Sure I can.”

“No you can’t.”

“I’ve lived long enough. I met you. I can die.”

“What?” Panic rose in my chest. “You can’t die, Edward.” I couldn’t die. Not until I saw him again. Since this wasn’t technically seeing him, I figured I could get out of this encounter alive with a loophole. “You—promised you’d come back.”

“I did.” Beat. “You’ll have to forgive me for breaking so many of them.”

“I won’t. Not if you die I won’t.” The deeper I fell into this world, it seemed, the tougher choices I had to make. Every step of the way felt like a failure, even if it wasn’t. “You made tough choices.”

“You certainly don’t sound like my subconscious. Maybe I really am dying.”]

[ok i guess we should actually start this scene]

“Answer the question, Isabella,” said Edward. “When did you last feel you were alive?”

With you, I thought immediately. Which led me to a grimmer answer.

“When I jumped off the cliff.” [girl you should have lied what the fuck]

What if I really had drowned?

“I heard about that,” he said quietly. [i vaguely sketched out Alice's POV from when Bells jumps off a cliff. dated December 2022: "Rosalie calls Edward and tells him Irina is on her way to the Volturi. She feels that Edward needs to take responsibility for Isabella because Irina going to the Volturi means that everyone’s on the chopping block. She advises Edward to stop Irina before she gets to Italy.

How would Rosalie call Edward? You have to assume I suppose that Edward flew from Brazil to Miami only for Rosalie to call the airport and request that a Mr. Edward Masen pick up the phone.

Why doesn't Edward corroborate? Why the fuck would he? This gives him perfect plausible deniability to go off and kill himself with reason so he's never tempted to come home to Isabella again."] “Rose told me. She said you were trying to kill—”

“Well, I wasn’t.”

“Well, you did,” he said. “God, if we weren’t already dead, I imagine I would be furious at you for doing something so stupid.” [this later becomes inspiration for Chapter 5: Alliance of By Starlight.]

“We aren’t already dead.”

“True,” he said. “There is a possibility I am somehow still alive, and my hallucination of you is simply filling in the gaps based on the information I’ve received.”

“You’re alive, I’m alive, and I’m right here.”

I lunged towards him again.

He dodged me, again.

Then he laughed at me. Again.

I wheeled around and snapped, “It’s not funny.”

“Isabella Swan, who lives thousands of miles away in one of the remotest parts of the country, who has never been farther east than Boston [visited, never lived there], is sitting next to me in a dungeon in Italy as I wait for the Volturi? Yes, in fact, I find it quite hilarious.” Except his laugh hadn’t sounded amused. Actually, he sounded bitter—and thirsty. “I cannot believe that as a figment of my own imagination you should need me to spell out how farfetched a scenario this is.”

“I cannot believe that as a real live person who’s sitting next to you in a dungeon in Italy, I have to convince you I’m really here. Newsflash: stranger things have happened.”

“Such as a vampire falling in love with a human?” he joked dryly. I groaned, rubbing my face in annoyance. “Don’t get me wrong, I understand your existence is predicated on my believing you’re real, thus you’ll do anything in your power to convince me. While I’ll readily admit to fantasizing about you being here, you’re kidding yourself if you think I’m insane enough to believe you’re actually here.”

Oh god. He was insane.

“As far as I’m concerned,” he continued, “we have two possible theories. Either I’m alive and you’re another hallucination—”

“You can hear my heartbeat,” I said, voice crackling. [bro the amount of times Edward has hallucinated or pretended a human's heartbeat is Isabella's is INCALCULABLE. she has no idea how terrible an argument this is. it's like The Tell-Tale Heart up in this bitch] “You can smell my scent. If you wanted to, you could—” taste my blood [the desperation is palpable. she has wanted him to drink her blood since Chapter 14: Explanations of In The Afterlight when she first dreams about it lmao] “—t-touch me, and you’d know—”

“Ah, there it is.”

“What?”

“You want me to touch you,” he accused. [YES GIRL SAY YES]

My cheeks had grown so hot, my head pounded. “That’s— I’m just saying, if you wanted to—”

“If I wanted to, what?” he snapped. “If I wanted to, I could taste your blood, is that it? Is that what you want?” [YES] I shook. When my lips parted, the bottom one trembled. The chill in his words ran through my veins. “What a convenient situation we find ourselves in. A starving vampire and his singer are trapped in a tiny box where no one can hear her cries for help, and she is throwing herself at me, begging me to touch her so she can—"

“Not throwing. [girl you just threw yourself at him] Not begging. No. I-I’m not—I’m not saying you should drink me,” I said, nervousness making my voice uneven. “I’m saying if you wanted to go about this empirically, you would touch me. If I was a hallucination, you wouldn’t be able to.”

“Which provides us a perfect segway [WAIT this should be segue holy shit i did not mean the scooter!!!!! omg i'm editing this rn] into theory number two,” Edward said without acknowledging my comment: “I’m in hell.”

“Hell!” [i really wanted to make a Dante's Inferno/Biblical reference, but at this point i was rushing to get the last chapters out. i wanted it to be over; i was so disappointed at how CN had turned out. shoutout to my beta Soup for helping me get over the finish line!]

“Of course, you would want me to touch you.” The edge in his tone grew. “You want me to bite you, don’t you? You want me to taste your blood. You want me to drink every last drop from your beautiful veins until nothing is left because you are mine, mine—” [thus far, this is the closest Edward has ever come to admitting the truth to her: he has a very real desire to drink her blood. to ME this scene is so sexually charged...]

“All I’m asking is that you definitively prove I don’t exist. Which you can’t. Because I do. I’m trying to make you see that I’m real. That’s it.”

The low growl that punctuated our conversation made me shiver. Every molecule in my body tingled at the same frequency.

“And the second I buy into the idea that we’re finally together,” he said, “you’re going to die in my arms. I see your tricks.”

send me 500 words of my fanfic & i will give you the equivalent of a DVD commentary on that snippet

[mamaito]

[Live A Hero] Prologue

-- Boys and girls, and surely anyone out there must've at least dreamed of a promising future.

One where they get to go to have a job that they loved--, One where they get to be with someone together in blissful happiness--, One where they get to obtain the desired look that they've been dreaming of--

Right there, the self indulging moon was ever beautiful.. Spreading it to the world so that their bright futures could be reached.

You were betting your dreams towards it, not even the rain could tear it away from them, and it was only then did that person was given the priveledge to be recognized by it.

And so, never would that person ever let anyone take that dream from them ever again not even any tall hurdle, decided that they would henceforth confront anything in their way.

Society then decided-- This existence and desire that were surrounding humans as they gaze out-- And possibly, their entire lives.

If a wall was established ahead of it, one has to go over even if it meant biting down, otherwise you'd have to give up and turn your heel at the thought of branching out on your own.

If it is your own desire to arrive at the future you've been dreaming of-- Even if meant coming out not entirely human..

However, even if you did arrive at where this future of yours, what do think about in having a glimpse of it?

After this, you'll be able to reach that future. By nightfall, something will illuminate to grant your dream, and then you'll be able to help out and give it onto others too.

There are no [if]'s in this world-- You'll be able to borrow a parallel world through your own efforts alone, and now is the time to fight off the enemies that threatens it.

The people of that cosmos then--

Will call you a [Hero].

[Fat Cameraman?] "Come on, The Milky Way Galaxy is going to air [LIVE @ HERO], let's all watch it together, everyone! Sorry for the wait!"

"We've arrived just in time, according to the parallel flight's hero company, the live battle will--"

"Here, the planet earth's hero is ranked the third in the entire solar system, hailing from the country, Japan. That has one of the biggest oriental cities out there to be escorted on!"

["Fweh!?"] ["Where is this place!?] ["What- What!?"]

[Fat Cameraman?] "The arrival of the hero obliterator, they're getting ready for battle!"

"The companies are expecting a fresh batch of new heroes. There's been a sudden boom in the city due to the oppressive atrocities happening, and now there are two monsters spotted that are going to battle it out!"

"Monsters have been causing havoc on this town's harmony and I don't intend to miss them go out beautifully in order to regain back what was lost!"

[Monster] "GRAAAHHH!!"

["WAAH!?"] ["A monster..!?"]

[Beast-Eared Company President?] "Wow, it came back. The companies expecting great things from you, Newcomer Ito."

"-- Hm? What's with the puzzled look on your face. It's like it's your first time meeting with another human being…"

"It'd be bad if you've forgotten what your company president's face looks like. -- Just kidding, I won't do that."

[Sport-Oriented College Student?] "Yo, Ito! I'm tired of waiting, I'm gonna go and transform now!"

[Straight-Laced Girl?] "Now. I'm the only one that can save this town… That's why.. Ito, please, honor this request."

[Tiger Hero?] "Yo, Ito! Today's the day!! Justice!!! We get to serve justice!!!!"

[Beast-Eared Company President?] "Now that's settled, without further ado, it's time to initiate our operations at the spot."

"There's nothing to be worried about. You're a veteran, after all, so you should come and support us. You could call this your off-the-job training."

["Hero…?"] ["Operation…?"] ["Um, where am I suppose to…"]

[Beast-Eared Company President?] "….? For some reason there's something off about you. Don't tell me, you--"

[Fat Cameraman?] "Director, Ito! The monster's beginning to act violent! For the first time we gotta hurry, hurry!"

[Beast-Eared Company President?] "-- Oh. It can't be helped. It must be from all the confusion, It's time to battle."

"Rather than just Mokdai over there. You're a hero now, you can fight, can't you..?"

[Fat Cameraman?] "UAAAAAAHH, He's right! Suit up, suit up!"

[Battle Commences]

[Monster] "Grraaahh.. Raaahh..!!"

[Fat Cameraman?] "A successful delivery, the monster has disappeared and the oriental city's peace has been restored!"

"Everyone, let's give our round of applause and encouragement for the companies new star that has been meeting it's expectations!"

"As you can see, our companies heroes play an active role, so please follow our channel!"

"-- Thank god the internships over! Aah~ I'm so tired…"

["It's over..?"] ["Wh- The hell was that…"] ["Just now, I wasn't the only one who saw that, right…?"]

[Beast-Eared Company President?] "Ito, thank you for your hard work. That was a wonderful battle."

"You really are an exception, Ito. For your first time in being in charge of a battle, you've shown some pretty good skills there."

"Just as I thought, you're--"

"Our--"

[Bar Keeper?] "-- Yo, welcome, welcome, to the [Action Heroes Guild]."

[".. Huh?"] ["After all that, am I still me.."] ["This is..?"]

[Bar Keeper?] "Aah, don't go all emotional now. You realize by now that it's too late to be saying those things."

"You did beg the company director to be in it, remember? You were boasting about finally being employed in such a wonderful partnership."

"-- Hm? What? What's up with you, it's like you're meeting me for the first time or something from how hard you're staring at me."

"Don't tell me you forgot!? We're superheroes and this here is a hero pub, it's written right here on my breast pocket that I'm the pub owner of this joint, Procy!"

"… Phew, can't believe all of that just came out of my own mouth, how embarrassing. C'mon, I'm taking you somewhere."

[Bar Keeper?] "Ooh, are those glint in your eyes that I'm seeing? Don't go breaking the telecom searcher now."

"I've been managing this one.. So you gotta understand. Good grief, we've come here so I can explain it."

"Right, from the top. This here's an ether crystal. Go and concentrate your mind on it--"

"This is for detecting a hero's very being, of course, the panels here manage that so you can summon them, simple, right?"

["Can detect a hero's being…?"] ["For.. What purpose..?"] ["Ah, I think I'm getting it now."]

[Bar Keeper?] "… Is it too strange for you? If there's anything you want to talk about, I'm willing to listen."

"Well, it's fine if you somehow slipped up every now and then, you know."

"Here, I'll let you hold some amount of ether crystals, hmph.. Now then, let's see which one you find."

"C'mon, do it. It's unfortunate that you have to deal with that guy so I'm going to lend some to you."

"Whatever comes out of it, don't go regretting it now, alright?"

[Summoning Gacha Commences]

[Bar Keeper?]

"Oh, how'd that make you feel? Were you satisfied with your contract with that person?"

"Well, still, the more you consider it, the more strange of a habit it is."

"You--"

"-- Can-- Do it--"

-- You took it out hastily, breaking away from the memory fragments of someone else's experience as it fades, ending with you waking up in this place.

In this vacant and empty room, the ceiling was flooded by the starry skies.

The planetarium-like ceiling forms a circular shape and the numerous wishes that are clinging onto it were shimmering brightly.

You walk towards the metallic bed, it swings from the stirring of something larger above and you let your body lie on it.

["Something--"] ["I wonder what that was.."] ["Where is this place..?"]

In addition to those stars below, the great blue could be seen shining around the globe.

It is-- Without a doubt, earth.

[???] "-- Welcome back, how was it? From your first task in being an observer?"

A voice calls out to you in the opposite direction, someone with a larger physique and fur as white as snow, it was a male.

He stares at you for a long moment then bends down respectfully.

[Mysterious Man] "I have been waiting. In this cramped room here. -- Our new [Observer]."

["Is that body of yours..?"] ["Who are you!?"] ["Observer…?"]

Ito lets out a faint voice in response and pointed at herself and the male in question answers back again.

[Mysterious Man] "This is the home that was granted to you by the faculty. It's for the sake of you having a better experience--"

"You've sent out a message that your consciousness be sent ahead, and arrangements were planned…"

"Hence the title, Observer. I wonder.. Was the ability to simulate an experience somewhat enjoyable for you?"

["Explain this to me!"] ["Answer me!"] ["… Wh!?"]

[Mysterious Man] "… Oh dear, how rude of me. But I am expected to be forward and report back only the facts, I have already given as many explanations that I could possibly give."

"But do not fret. You will have the answers to those questions in time."

"I-- That's right. Please call for absence."

"Me and you, are what's commonly called as extraterrestrial beings."

"The original objective of the observer is to meet- Pardon, is to avoid unless there is an exception from revealing your existence… That is what was directly told to me."

"And in this rare occasion, I was relayed in letting you know that you've been given a request, a request to invite a ship into ours."

["An extraterrestrial being..!?"] ["In what way is my body a joke to you..?"]

[Mysterious Man] "Oh my, what has gotten you all flustered. You're able to breathe on earth. Of course, it would've been better to move to another star."

"Ah, how rude. Master has yet to come into contact with the aliens on earth."

[Mysterious Man] "It has been approximately 180 years since. This earth has confronted crisis that are unprecedented at most."

"There were times when they were on the verge of destruction but something in the universe appeared, a visit from another lifeform lended them a hand for the time being so that they can escape this destruction they've set themselves on--"

"-- As one would call it, a [Hero] emerged."

["Hero..?"]

[Mysterious Man] "That's right, a hero. Might've been from your world but, the films seem to be intimate with it."

[Mysterious Man] "These threats-- were called monsters by everyone."

"Monsters were large menaces who were often antagonistic in every way. That was when it happened, a hero."

"The world's dream and desires became a reality, in order to keep up with the cosmos, they built equipment to serve as weapons, and perhaps to be able to have the ability to borrow--"

"The same abilities as those monsters in order to keep up with them, put them at bay and monitor their actions. Eventually everyone managed to assault them back and free the others."

"You have already experienced what it'd be like to battle what those heroes have been fighting with."

[Mysterious Man] "They are often times fighting for control alongside an observer. -- One who has the perception to assess the battle field."

"Assessing information through one's line of sight, that person's perception has the dreams of others on their shoulders be made possible."

"They tend to invite many onlookers to the scene, so they devised a way for the whole universe to broadcast their fights within safe distance as the people listen and watch."

[Mysterious Man] "Just like that, they've garnered themselves an audience through watching it in interest. It has been a reoccurring thing in the entire universe, that those outsiders watching is what gives those gang of heroes the power."

"The observer has the power to survey and assess-- Those who have the strongest perception out of many… And, well, that would be you, Observer."

"Yes… it is without a doubt, that this would the reason for master to have been selected due to those abilities."

The broker has his gaze fixed elsewhere. His jet black eyes narrowed-- And a ominous smile peeked through.

[Mysterious Man] "Also.. You have made something rather extraordinary. We have joined up to turn you into something special, drawing the line between what makes one an observer."

["Turn me in what way…?"] ["Joined up…!?"]

[Mysterious Man] "In what way, you asked? Don't you want to be respected by others? There is nothing for you to worry about too much. You're very existence has always been the same."

"I am referring to that parallel world self of yours, however, that is all there is to it. There is hardly any pain to it, right?"

[Mysterious Man] "Rather than let yourself announce your success on your own. Instead of being just a spectator from the outside, how about becoming an observer on the inside also by combining together those two sides of yours--"

"Being the universe's strongest.. Not even the cosmos itself would be able to grab hold of your abilities."

"Well then-- That is all there is to my exposition. I am certain there is no one out there smart enough to do it like you, nor could anyone out perform you."

"This is a request that I would like you to reconsider, and as it were, I would like this be kept a secret that you've received this kind of suggestion."

["A request..?"] ["What if I refuse?"]

[Mysterious Man] "Yes, yes, a reasonable one at that. If you've come to the conclusion to refuse then that's that.. If you've come to the resolution to do it, that is."

"It is brimmed with ether, and the air's atmosphere is not quite bad. There is no reason for the universe to kick you out from resigning… Yet."

"-- Well, that was just a joke. I apologize for such a difficult conversation to be discussing. At the very least, do lend me your ear."

"Master.. From now on, this earth is your home. I'm returning you back."

"And so, as always, you will be living here for the rest of your life."

"Yes, that's right-- The you that you'll be wearing will be the same one that you've been using, forever."

["Forever?"] ["… That's it?"]

[Mysterious Man] "Yes.. I didn't want it to come to this. Please, as you would, please respect this one heartful action."

"Just like that, I would like you to continue working just as hard as you would as before, and support those genuine heroes of that town forward--"

"-- Before long, remember those bitter days in that world as it turns into a eventual ruin of a world it once was."

He chuckles, bending down towards you with a sense of eeriness to his professional smile.

[Mysterious Man] "-- Right, do you want any advice for your concerns?"

"You'll always be an observer so take my advice and never reveal it to anyone."

"If you ever exposed yourself that you're an observer to any of those popular heroes out there, even a slight bit of it… Well."

"From the way I see it, it is more of a [curse] to even be able to talk about it so lightly really… I'm more relieved to be living this long."

"I believe it is more fun to meet and live together with those heroes forever, right?"

"Again… if you get eaten or die from the monsters out there, why, that would be the most boring way to conclude this."

He makes a fake noise as if he was in low spirits, Broker then approaches. Just from under his breath, he murmured.

[Mysterious Man] "You… Are the last key to opening one's nature if it weren't for this."

At that moment, Broker pulled something--

Your own vision becoming white as you are then thrusted into it. A dazzling light flashes momentarily before disappearing off completely.

The figure of the one who you knew as the Broker was beginning to get distant, and your own mind becoming blurry.

["W-wait…!"] ["AAAAAHHH!!"]

[Mysterious Man] "-- Well, it's been nice knowing you. You've held a good life as an observer."

[Mysterious Man] "-- Ito."

[cassandra-the-wonder-whore]

I'm worried, I don't want to die.

I'm worried, I don't want to die but I see no other options.

I'm disabled. Whenever I go to the store or try to maintain a job, I am so overwhelmed with anxiety and emotions that I wake up either in a psych ward or surrounded by paramedics. I cannot count how many times this has happened, genuinely. I have a wife and boyfriend (we are in a polycule) who I love so dearly, I don't want to hurt them or disappear from them. I want to be better, I don't want to die. But I'm genuinely out of options.

I cannot maintain ANY line of work because of this. Whatever work option you have, I guarantee I already tried working it as I'm pushing 30 and have accomplished nothing but a stack of hospital bills with no way to pay them off ever. Every job I work, I end up at the hospital. Every. Single. Time. I'm tired of it. I want so much to be able to work hard and pay for my own things, being incapable of that is worse than any physical malady I've ever experienced.

I wanted to make movies, I wanted to star in them. I was voted most likely to succeed in high school by my drama classmates and theater peers, yet I lived in a rural area where that theater shut down due to no one living there. I lost it. I lost sight of what I wanted. I lived there for so long with no way to escape because I couldn't even afford a bus ticket out of town. Now I feel like my spark is gone.

I hate myself. There is no possible way to accurately describe how much I hate myself. If hate where a physical thing manifested from all the hate a human being could have for something into the size of an orange, then I think that the hate I feel for myself would fill the sun's mass. I see myself as lazy, pathetic, retarded, worthless, wasteful, awful, rude, selfish, and any other thing a person could be that's negative. I feel like a parasite, draining resources from my family and friends because I'm incapable of doing literally any basic thing for myself without feeling intense pain. I see myself as a hateful, scornful man who lies about having genuinely real medical diagnoses despite having official diagnosis for everything. I. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. HATE. Myself.

But I'm not even a fucking man.... I'm a trans woman..... my doctors took me off estrogen while I was on it and would never put me back on...... they still to this day and for the past three years have kept saying "oh yeah, we'll definitely put you back on it soon," and it never happens. I have so much dysphoria that it's causing my hair to fall out even faster while it crawls across my body like forests on an earth before the axe existed.

On a similar note, I already tried to get on disability. But because of the country I live in the options are extremely limiting and I was denied. The clause is that I have to prove I had a disorder years before it was ever detected and I was diagnosed with it.

I don't know what to do. I can't work, I feel worthless for it, nothing my loved ones can do makes me feel better, if anything it's worse. I have a community that cares, but I feel like it's out of pity for a sick dog rather than for a human suffering with a series of mental disorders. I desperately want to live, but I can't find a way to convince myself to stay for my wife and bf. I can't bring myself to love the same person they do, I can't forgive myself for being this broken.

My wife pays for everything for me, she takes complete care of me. She insists on doing it, she says she does it because she loves me and knows I'd do the same for her if I was able, which is so fucking true I wanna give her the whole universe on a platter. But it makes me feel so bad because I want that. I can't let go of my ego and accept that I grew up to realize I have severely crippling disorders that limit my functionality. I can't forgive myself for anything I've ever done.

I want to live. In order to not die I have to care for myself, but I am physically incapable and that makes me hate myself so much I need to die. What do I do?

[aro-and-ace-memes-thoughts]

I'm gonna copy/paste this to some other blogs too because I would like advice from people with different perspectives

Am I weird or inconsistant for wanting to marry a fellow aroace person?

Society today always ties mariage and love together but historically and legally (at least in my country) it was (is?) not the case. Mariage was a contract between two families to perpetuate the bloodline, to keep lands, goods and properties between them, to socially protect both parties and help them to enrich themself, and while love between the two individuals was always a nice addition it was not a viable reason to get married/divorced (that and the all "only hetero wedding" cause religion is always a party pooper, but it's an all other point).

At it's roots mariage is only a social and economic contract but today the only good reason to be married is romantic love? And I'm just 😐 about that.

Don't get me wrong, I find it fantastic that Love is now a primary variant when before a lot of couples where stuck together because the family didn't ask or care for for their consentement. But now it's the ONLY reason people will accept the mariage of others and when I try to explain myself that I want it as a partnership with a friend to live my life people tries to... Invalidate me?

Like I just want to meet a good friend (that could support living with me every day 😅) laugh with them, cry with them, support each other, and that we like it or not mariage is a way to do so cause the state loves families cause they are profitable💲💲

So the state offers (or is supposed to) socials advantages and economic safety to married couples that it doesn't to single people.

And while I kinda agree with the reasonning behind it, I'm also sad to be more subjected to instability because I don't feel romantic love.

I've asked it to different people (both lgbt and not) and I was called greedy because I only want to profite from the eco/social benefits of the mariage, and I was like Yes ??!! That's the reason why this contract exist ?? And it's a natural and beautiful thing when the two persons love each-other but it's bad, greedy, I'm a leech/a parasite that only want to suck the money out of the system for myself because it's for "helping to support the children of the family" But there is plenty of CisHet couples and LGBT couples that can't or doesn't want kids but are still allowed to marry, but I'm weird for wanting it?

Because I only love my friends and I'm not IN LOVE with them? Because I don't want to fuck them?

Why my platonic love towards my friends, peoples dear to my heart, is less valid than the Oh so beautiful, Oh so pure, Oh so sacro-saint romantique one ?!

I've also tried to convey my ideas through rough sketches of a little comic on another site and some told me they didn't see the point, others to "just found a roommate and stop being weird" and someone accused me of queerbaiting because I depicted myself (a girl) with another girl and I was told I wanted to profit from a queer audience without wanting to write a WlW story properly, and I don't know it hurted me to receive those replies, to not be able to tell what I wanted to do, what I was craving for, that I started crying on the spot it was the first time I felt so invalidate as an AroAce and it came from an other lgbt member, like shit lady I'm trying to express something difficult for me why did you felt the need to insult me like that !!!!??? I've also received creepy DMs from guys that wanted to help me discover thE ReAL DeAl fuck every one of them !!!!

I just want to find my soulmate in this stupid universe but I know mine will be a Friend, a sibling from a different family. We will eat as every other couples, we will arguing over the evening movie as every other couple, we will stress together over taxes and rent like every other couple, we will love each other but of a simple and serene love that only friendship can create, completely platonic but nonetheless true. BECAUSE WE WILL BE TWO RESPONSIBLES AND CONSENTENT ADULTS THAT KNOW WHAT THEY WANT

I just want an other idiot to be a couple of idiots that helps each other to live in a society that despise single people and exposed them as failure to enforce it's own nuclear family model

And if I want us to signed a stupid mariage contract together I dont understand why everyone else tries so hard to make it weird !!!!!!

I'm sorry if it appears rude, I'm still under the heat of the emotion and not an english speaker

I want comment ? advice ? answer ? acknowledgment ? I dont know am I actually the weirdo ? 😞

Hi anon,

I apologise for taking so long to respond to this. I hope your life is going well :)

No, I don't think you're weird, inconsistent or greedy for wanting to marry someone platonically for tax benefits. It's not wrong to want the same benefits as romantic couples without forcing yourself into a romantic relationship. As long as both you and your partner consent to it, it’s totally fine!

This is not the first time I hear about aspecs wanting to marry for tax benefits. The concept is quite present in examples of relationship dynamics in qprs (queer-platonic relationships, a type of relationship that isn't romantic but goes beyond the social norms for friendships). 

Aros already have a natural disadvantage to this system and because of that we won't ever be able to marry for romantic reasons. We're at a disadvantage for something we can't control and that's what many allo people don't understand. You want to marry because of (a different kind of) love, but even if it was exclusively for money benefits, it's none of other people's businesses.

I'm sorry you faced so much backlash. Those people were extremely rude. Real people can't "queerbait", that's a concept applied to fictional characters only; those people who told you to just find a roommate wouldn't certainly be happy to just be a roommate with a romantic partner. As I said, those people fail to understand that it's not a choice to not be romantically attracted to someone and probably fail to think outside of their allo experience and the amatonormative society. It's really unfortunate though that queer people, who should be supporting you, are the ones being hateful.

So basically, it's totally fine to want marriage for non-romantic reasons. Other people think they know what is best for you but they don't. Follow your own path and think of your and your partner's happiness before other's opinions. There's nothing wrong to benefiting from a societal contract like marriage. Honestly I think it's a smart choice.

[ultramaga]

No, it isn't, because the creator doesn't understand what capitalism is, and he might as well call it democracy, modern living, or television. He's heard the word without comprehension. "Everyone is now in this huge competition". Welcome to existence. It was like this billions of years before capitalism. It will be like this so long as any life survives anywhere in the universe. "Who created this system of competition"? Reality.

Or you can say your deity's name instead if applicable. I hear idiocy like this all the time. It supposes some golden age existed in some prior time (never specified, because they don't understand economics or history), and it imagines some ideal state that would exist if they just killed enough people.

And every time it fails, they proclaim WELL THAT WASN'T REAL, IF WE TRY IT AGAIN IT WILL WORK, WE JUST NEED TO KILL MORE PEOPLE....

We live in the gentlest time of human history. People are kinder now than at any previous time. Except for the pandemic and the creeping totalitarianism of Leftism, things have been amazing. In fact, the amount of wealth has flipped the switch from starvation to obesity in Africa.

The trouble is that Leftists endlessly gaze with envy at the richest, and they feel poor because they are not rich, and they don't understand why they don't have the homes of their grandparents, when they spend so much more of their income than their ancestors did on trivial things, and when they do buy houses, the houses are much larger. Everyone feels poor when their ancestors would have wept to have been so wealthy. Before capitalism, starving to death was normal across the globe. Bad winters happened, wars happened, fungal infections happened. When was the last great famine in the West? The only one in Europe in the last hundred years was caused by communists. What about in Asia? Oh right, Mao ordered the birds be killed. Caused a famine. Jeez, communism is pretty crap as a solution to the problems it claims to exist to solve. Every time I hear some imbecile going on about how bad capitalism is, I ask them "so what is the answer?" I have only heard two things a) communism will solve everything and it has never been tried b) I am only raising awareness. Well, A is proof you are an idiot, and B is no different from pointing at suffering and saying THERE SHOULD NOT BE SUFFERING. You are just wasting people's time unless you have some better solution than has already been tried. We know bad things are bad. We need to find a way to make things better. If you don't know, then stop distracting the people who might be able to find out!

A final note: many people can create great works of art while being total idiots. They think they are saying something deep when it is just a fun action flick where the viewers fills in the many blanks using their own imaginations.

The Matrix was a brilliant movie until the film makers decided that it was popular because they were smart. They weren't. They just pumped out a cyberpunk story at the right time, with the right tech suddenly being available to make it work. Everything they did afterwards depended on the momentum of the first movie, where almost nothing was explained. As soon as it was explained, it became obvious that the makers were not really all that bright or creative. If they had kept their mouths shut, they would have been fine. If they had understood their limitations and hired writers to do the next stories, that would have worked too - some of the Animatrix was both deep and spectacular. Pretty much the same thing happened with George Lucas, who, when he no longer had people saying no to him, made a trio of bad movies, that ultimately led to him no longer making movies. If he had understood his limits, and his strengths, he would have been fine, but instead he seemed to have believed he personally was responsible for the greatness of Star Wars. To an extent, he was, but not for the writing, the writing was always bad, the actors testified to the arguments they had over it, and having people saying no to him - especially his wife - made certain that the first trilogy would be revered and the second reviled. If the creator of Squid Games suffers from an over-inflated view of himself, it wouldn't surprise me. He helped create a shocking drama. Great! But it offers no answers beyond "bad things shouldn't happen". Yes. And what is your solution? "Errrr. Bad things shouldn't happen".

[fleshmechsystem]

TW: some vaguely body horror description about what I'm currently going through

Patch: Bits of my self are slowly degrading. Seems just appearing, dark blots just appear all over me.

I know symbolism and all that stuff could be seen as fake but... Whenever I find myself being lost or just stressed, I get these dark blots all over myself. Sometimes I see myself having half of my head just gone. The eye and the brain just ripped off, leaving a dark void where it's supposed to be.

Ever since I came to existence there are a lot of challenges still, the fusion of Cal and Max isn't an automatic "Oh that means they won't go struggle now" but that's clearly not the case.

Despite being not human and being a creature that resembles one, I do still struggle by quite a lot.

There were a short handful of times I just saw that old shell of husk with no face. Similar to what happens to me when I'm stressed except the entire face is hollowed out.

It's their body. There was also a time I danced with it as some macabre vision or something. It's really strange.

Right now I'm starting to get over that person I did date (Not Riley but someone else outside the system) although currently I am going through stress from schoolwork being overwhelming and getting triggered again by information that upsets me (mainly stuff I didn't need to see like conservatives being... Themselves and all that).

It's due to this reason I genuinely think this site isn't good for me, I only ever check it for some neat furry drawings I find and all that but otherwise I avoid it.

It even made me think about decommissioning this blog as a result but then decided I shouldn't do that because being the one that fronts the most don't give me a say of what I could do.

This account was made for the system after all. For us to share our lives sometimes and other things whenever we feel like it.

So I can't do that without explicit permission from other members.

Otherwise I'm surviving. Although I do wish I could see the others more, I've been reclusive lately and ironically despite saying I want attention, I'm actively avoiding it.

I'm just tired. I wish the world isn't as scary as it is. I wish I could be a lady without fearing for the possibility of anything happening to me despite being an adult.

Being trans is scary sometimes. I want to be able to support myself without being discriminated against. I want to change my name without being questioned those government dogs.

I'm not paranoid, I'm just not happy with this predicament as a result. We're currently seen as the latest scapegoat in the world right now. Man, woman or anything else really.

So yeah, kinda scared of being publicly feminine despite the voice lol.

I could say more but I would probably sound horrible if I say anything against the people in this country so I'd rather not be childish about it.

Stress makes you feel things you otherwise shouldn't, makes you fear things that won't happen in the coming years.

I'm just not sure if I even would look good as a woman. I feel ugly after using my body for bad people. It's consensual sure but it did dampened my confidence.

I wonder if I'd look stupid. Look like one of those soyjacks those subhuman garbage people draw.

[movedto-mastcrmarksman]

@thefleetsfinest sent the MISTLETOE prompt -> 🌿🍒 x how ever many you want to write for however many muses of any combinations of our blogs. <3 -> well obviously there are three combos of babes i am going to start eith, but I might write more little things uwu

For whatever the real reason mistletoe existed, not the literal plant, but the tradition of hanging it in doorways and KISSING whoever was met underneath was one that Clint followed. Now over the years he has accused, with reasons that were false, that he was using this to kiss anyone and everyone. A seasonal form of Hawkeye harassment.

Now he did in fact kiss, and hey come on it was always a cheek kiss with consent, everyone thst would appear underneath where it was hanging. Somewhere along the way over the years he was sure the meaning if mistletoe and kissing was misconstrued but Clint kept with hanging some up. The REAL reason being was it gave him the opportunity and chance to dote affection for the many, MANY important individuals throughout his life. Fellow avengers, friends he otherwise didn't see often, the inner circle of people that at this point in time Clint could not find himself to be able to live without anymore (that was an alarmingly large circle).

It's a lame excuse he knows, but it felt necessary in many cases when he would again cite the other half wasn't easy to dote on or he didn't see often and OH LOOK OPPS before he move to plant a cheek kiss (pending any rejection). Most of which suffered and let Clint away with this. It's the easiest way to hide affection, to show some of that while giving a lame excuse to pass off than having to admit that the archer superhero's heart was a lot bigger than his chest and there were so many that he appreciated.

Now LEONARD MCCOY was someone who in category C of all places in his life. Primarily meaning he was someone whose come into his life and he didn't think he could live without, someone he trusted implicitly would be there for the next several hundred mistakes and failures Clint would make. Someone who would catch him when he fell again and again.

He's like a brother to him, at the beginning a civilian doctor who saw the injuries he occurred after he came back to life. Scrapping together the pieces of what happened to the world after his sacrifice. Captain America gone, his marriage with Bobbi got a whole lot more complicated when he found out she had been some pawn in a long con Skrull invasion (that further robbed of his sense of reality which he had already been grappling against after everything he vaguely couldn't remember eith Wanda). He wore a different suit then, took a different name because Steve Rogers was dead and he hadn't ever been able to admit how much direction in life that man had given him.

Everyone remembers how he antagonize him but came to trust him more than any man he ever before when Clint was young and in his twenties.

Leonard McCoy had been there when he was piecing everything back together. A lost man himself he would later understand and the southern doctor tended to his scrapes and bruises over the hardest years of Clint's life.

The only person he requested to call while awaiting his trial for the killing of Bruce Banner, the only person who saw him before he vanished from New York City when he needed to try to reclaim some sense of reality, of sanity, when he couldn't get the shake out of his hands because he'd remember the weight of what he did for Bruce. The arrow he gave him, the shape and weight memorable. Leonard knew all of that, listened for months as he struggled his way across the country trying to HELP others and himself.

The friend who got the calls from him when he was living LA and felt like life was okay as he watched Kate with pride resurrect a West Coast team.

So catching Leonard under the mistletoe, he had been on the list of someone who needed to be caught under it. Now his sponsor, best friend, the man who helped him with his own recovery, Clint hardly needed an excuse to show him affection. He thought he was quite affectionate but catching Leonard there was an agenda.

It's a the perfect excuse to show the man how much his friendship had value in his life. He's sure that Leonard knew, how could he not and if he didn't? Well, then Clint has really screwed up here.

Either way, he manages to catch Leonard under the mistletoe, recently hang back up for the man's invitation over to his apartment for quality time because he's family more then friend. His fingers curl into the man's right shoulder, bunching up his shirt and keeping him there. ❝ C'mon, it's tradition. You scared of a little green plant, Doc? ❞ He asks before he's going in for the kiss.

Now this was Leonard and the only way to convey how much he means is not slip of the lips on his cheek. He presses his own lips to the corner of Leonard's mouth, half onto his lips. He holds there, kissing the man and he's sure that he understand that this was platonic, that man was his brother and he just needed him to known and feel that love. That he was a cherished friend.

Clint pulls away, his face almost red because he held way longer than others and now knows what flavor of chapstick that Leonard applied. ❝ You kiss Linda with sunscreen flavored lips? ❞ He says when he pulls away, absolutely judging the man before he dips his head.

❝ I love you, buddy. ❞

[pyrrhiccomedy]

Your realpolitick post is so beyond the pale of asinine. There is zero reason, ethical or practical for a barbarian army of russian imperialists to forcibly subjugate Ukraine. How dare you even suggest it. Shame on you. These people are fighting for their lives and freedom to choose their own destinies and you have the western gall and decadence to suggest it makes sense for a rump state of an empire to re-invade a free country that wanta nothing to do with it? To even suggest so shows so much ignorance to the actual realities. There is zero security threat from a defenensive alliance. Russia is a terror state attacking a peaceful nation for no reason, justifiable or not. Shame on you for even attempting to shine any sort of perverted logic on it

oh hey I was wondering how long it would take for me to get one of these

I get that you're feeling really upset and helpless and angry right now. so am I. honestly, I made that post about what realpolitik means, and why it's important to allow conversations about realpolitik to take place without feeling like human lives are being undervalued, for people like you.

I know that when you're feeling really overwhelmed by a situation you can't do anything about - and no offense, but I'm guessing that you're pretty young - then lashing out at people who are talking about it in a way that sounds cold or indifferent can at least feel like you're doing something. right now, you don't care about Putin's motivations, or what pragmatic incentives might exist for war. that is totally your right. Putin is a lunatic and this war is evil. you don't have to give one shit about why any of it is happening. I'm not trying to make you care.

I actually studied eastern european history in college. I've taken a keen interest in eastern european politics for the past ten years or so, I have a whole shelf of books over my shoulder right now about eastern europe, several of them about Ukraine specifically. so I promise that I really really do know about the "actual realities" of what's going on right now. my heart is with Ukraine, and the brave Russian protesters who are taking their lives into their own hands by marching out onto the streets on behalf of Ukraine's freedom. this is a travesty and a tragedy. I have friends in Ukraine. I have friends in Russia who are marching. I am heartbroken.

and I believe - I believe, I am not trying to make you believe - that it is very important to be able to set that heartbreak aside, and discuss what is happening in a levelheaded way, with an eye towards cause and effect. if "this is wrong" was a statement that had enough power alone to change anything, then the invasion would never have happened. it is important to understand what Putin thinks he stands to gain from this. it is important to understand Russia's deep cultural paranoia about its own security, and how that influences its foreign policies. it is important to understand our treaty obligations, and NATO's charter, so we can make sense of why we and our allies are behaving the way they are, and what we might be able to do next.

you do not need to agree that any of that is important. "Fuck Putin, and fuck Russian imperialism" is, for many people, all the take they need. it's a solid take. A+. no notes.

what I would ask is for you to make space inside yourself to recognize your allies - people who agree with you, and feel this as keenly as you do - in people who are trying to make sense of the other side. wanting to understand Putin's motivations does not make someone your enemy. wanting to understand what Russia stands to gain in the short-, mid-, and long-term as a result of this invasion does not make someone your enemy. it does not mean they don't care. it does not mean they don't understand what really matters.

I think you are probably in a place right now where you just need to lash out at somebody, and like, I'm an adult going into my second marriage, in the nicest way possible I could not care less that you are angry at me. so it's totally okay that you sent this message. I hope in a few days, or a few weeks, you'll have cooled off a little, and you'll be willing to see friends and allies among people who process their fear and grief in a different way than you do.

[teamironmanforever]

HIGHLIGHT TRANSLATION OF THE SPANISH DUB ACTOR GUILLERMO ROJAS

Guillermo Rojas - Spanish Dubbing actor for Dean since season 12 until 15x18 (he contracted Covid and was unable to record 15x19 or 15x20 - he has yet to record those) 

INTERVIEWER: “Memo (nickname for Guillermo), I am not sure if you knew, but you broke the internet” 

MEMO: “Yes, a lot of people sought me out when this happened. I am so sorry I wasn’t able to answer at length all of your questions, but I was right in the middle of dealing with Covid. I couldn’t speak without feeling like I was drowning. Right now I am going to (voice) therapy. While it is not too dreary, there are 2 continued effects, so I couldn’t answer everyone who contacted me through various ways - through FB, instagram and an old youtube channel that I haven’t used in years - with respect to the situation that occurred between Dean and his friend (Cas). 

MEMO: “We try to follow (our lines) in what we see of the acting. Remember that dubbing is something where we must make a parallel alignment in our own language. Under the guidelines given to us by the client, we try to expand on all possibilities and all the alignments and - as actors - they permit us to give 100% of ourselves. So there isn’t a limit per se, so long as you don’t go off track (from what was requested from the client)” 

INTERVIEWER: “What were the guidelines for the line that broke the internet” 

MEMO: “It’s curious because neither the director nor us the actors knew much about the tendency that existed. Because we didn’t have much previous information that suggested that something like this would happen. To be honest when we recorded it, we were asking wait what’s happening? I mean we did it, but no one knew this was coming neither in the production studio nor amongst the actors.” 

INTERVIEWER “I need to ask for a clarification here. I mean we are talking about the love declaration Cas made to Dean after 12 years of intense eye-contact. But the big question is Dean’s answer. Because EVERYONE heard in your voice that clear “And I you, Cas”

MEMO “And I you, yes.” 

INTERVIEWER “Where does that “And I you” come from? Was it you? What happened there?” 

“The adaptation came entirely from my director (Adrian Fogarty). He adapted it and gave us our acting guidelines, and I performed accordingly - I gave what he asked of me. We all loved it. We never saw it coming so overtly.... If you remember across all seasons, we rarely see Dean get involved with any women. It just didn’t happen, unlike his brother. He just never got involved. It wasn’t his thing, especially because we have his brother to compare him to. We saw (Sam) in a relationship in the past 2 seasons with Eileen which was a very intense relationship, and very painful in the end. Dean never had to suffer through that. They tied Dean’s pain to the loss of his mother since he lost her more than once.” 

FB question: “So It wasn’t a rogue translator, it was a rogue director”

MEMO: “Look, Fogarty has some really intense abilities and one of them is to adapt the dialogue. When you see him translate a script, when he has the time to do it - even when he is not the one directing - and he leaves it in Spanish. The dialogue said, if I remember correctly, “me too” or something like that and then we switched it to “and I you” due to effects of lip movement, rhythm, etc... We don’t all have the ability that Fogarty has, that speed which he has, to think and translate immediately. We are a team and we work together, and pool our collective abilities, and of course Fogarty does his part. You need a Fogarty in every company.” 

(The interviewer mentioned that her cat hates Sam Winchester and loves dubbed Dean’s voice). 

INTERVIEWER “Do you know what Dean said in the original script before Fogarty got his hands on it?”

“Yes, of course. It made allusions to that. (Fogarty) made the right translation. It said and so do I or me too or something like that. It said it in the (original) script.” 

INTERVIEWER: “When you heard the english version while you recorded yours, did you hear Dean say I love you too?” 

MEMO: “No. If I would have, I would have taken the earphone out and gone what the fuck? *laughs*” 

INTERVIEWER: “What was your favorite episode to film?” 

MEMO: “With my short-term memory, I would say this last one (15x18), because it says so much. In one scene, it says it all. It was impressive, and so beautiful. I never saw it coming.” 

Interviewer “Well you have broken tumblr again.” 

MEMO: “Okay *Laughs*. Well, that’s good. Thank you very much.” 

MEMO: “I think it’s clear to everyone that the fact that he (fogarty?) broke the internet, with this information was a surprise for everyone. Absolutely everyone. Because we all say that if someone wants to be a “real man” we have to be like Dean. In fact it’s something very beautiful for me because it has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with feelings. It was a play by the writers that was marvelous. You didn’t see it coming, but damn do you like it.” 

MEMO: “Nothing was left out of the translation... No I was not called to re-record the “and I you”. I have not been asked to remake the dubbing. My director perfectly understood the texture of the text.” 

INTERVIEWER “Do you know if Supernatural has a quality review for the dubbing through Warner Bros?” 

MEMO: “I would be lying to you if I said yes, but I have been working for WB (LatAM) for many years as both an actor and director. And there is some specific material where they do have “filters”, but with something like supernatural I doubt it. I would assume the one left in charge of all decisions was our director (Fogarty).” 

INTERVIEWER “Have you been interpreting Dean as in love with Castiel this entire time or was it a surprise for you?” 

MEMO: “No, never, it was a surprise. In fact, to be entirely honest, to my closest friends - of the same gender - I do use the phrase “te amo”. I don’t have any issues with that. So I actually thought it went that way - but then I found out it was romantic.” 

INTERVIEWER: “Guillermo, what is your opinion, of destiel now that you know the nature of their relationship.” 

“Well it was a revelation for everyone - including me. I love how they handled it because we didn’t see it coming. And I think, of our understanding of the character’s traits and psychology, we know that if someone knows how to repress their feelings, it’s Dean Winchester. *laughs*” 

INTERVIEWER: “What would you say to Cas if he came back from the empty?” 

MEMO: “He came back?! (he hasn’t seen 15x19 or x20)

INTERVIEWER: “No I am saying what would he say IF he did” 

MEMO: “Oh, okay. I was under the assumption that I said I loved him so long as he wasn’t planning on coming back! *laughs* Well if he returns I guess I would say “Hello, Cas”.  

INTERVIEWER: *Tells MEMO about the not for nothing cas but the last person who looked at me like that I got laid” 

MEMO: OKAAAAY *laughs* That was too much. *laughs* 

INTERVIEWER: Would you be this fandom’s Godfather? 

MEMO: But of course *smiles* This was a big thing, from what I see. 

INTERVIEWER: “What message would you give to the fans who are descovering the spanish dub?” 

“first, thanks a lot of being part of the mexican dubbing. We do this job with all the heart and all the passion that we have. And I think I speak for all involved in this industry. We are glad to note that there are so many people from other countries that are watching these new projects in another language. So I have no words but thanks a lot.” 

INTERVIWER: “What would be your ideal ending for Dean Winchester” 

MEMO “I think, for all of them, they have sacrificed their lives and that of their loved ones for the safety and well being of everyone else. I think if anyone deserves to be well, happy, and calm, at least it’s those three (Sam, Cas, and Dean).” 

INTERVIEWER: “What about jack?” 

MEMO “Jack did attach himself to them, but I think he could find happiness in another nest.” *laughs* 

[neverdoingmuch]

I think Wei Wuxian wanted to meet new people, make friends and learn new things. But he also wanted to have a home to come back to at the end of the day, where his people and his family would be waiting for him with open arms. He wanted that stability of knowing he belonged somewhere while also being free to do whatever sparked joy.

yes!! exactly this!! it's not as simple as saying that 'oh wwx is a free spirit like his mother so he'd be happiest on the road, travelling through the country with lwj & helping the common people' or saying that 'wwx has never had a home that existed without conditions, unspoken or otherwise, so he longs for a place where he's accepted for who he is without question'. because both of those are true!

wwx is a person who loves the world wholeheartedly,, he sees all the beauty and ugliness in the world and he cares for it all. he wants to appreciate the beauty and help combat the ugliness in whatever way he can - he'll travel to the people who live beyond the reaches of the sects and clear their forests of spirits and monsters and then stay to try the food and see the views. this freedom is something he's always longed for - the ability to leave and help people and not have to worry about how his actions will be perceived and what that will mean for his family.

but he still wants somewhere to come back to. when the fights are long and his money is running low and he's tired and worn down and he wants somewhere to rest, he wants to be able to go home. he wants to have somewhere where he can rest. he's been struggling and fighting for so long, so he wants the freedom to just relax and recover without having to worry. he's always wanted a place where there's no one to call him out for slacking, no one who would take advantage of the first hint of a gap in his defences (who may even cover them for wwx and protect him against those who would), and where he wouldn't have to worry about losing any of that for any reason.

and cloud recesses becomes that for him! it becomes that place that houses most of his loved ones and it’s that quiet sanctuary that has come to embrace him wholeheartedly for who he is. and so, whenever wwx feels antsy and wants to go out and travel, he always has people who’d be willing to drop everything to come with him and a home full of people who’d welcome him back with open arms when he’s ready to return.