#oh my god i’m scaring myself with thoughts nobody else in the entire UNIVERSE. could never understand

[priestfrommidnightmass]

in another world i think a young ione skye could’ve pulled off venetia catton

[awrestlinggirlwholoves80sbands]

Laid out cold, now we're both alone (part 2)

A/N: Hello, this fic is very important to me because I tried my best to give justice to such a cool idea and I hope I did a good job. Plus I don't do multichapter ofter, so this was a challenge. 

I wanna thank the lovely @livdonna for proofreading my work, you're literally the best <3. 

P.S. If you want to get tagged in the next chapters, let me know.

Summary: Nikki visits Mick to give him a very important task.

Warnings: Major Character Death,Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Drug Use, Angst, Overdose.

Pairing: Nikki Sixx x Tommy Lee

Chapter 1

Taglist: @slashscowboyboots @witchytombstonesmile @arnold-layne @emometalhead​ @i-dont-like-rice​ @nikki-sexx​ @smokeandmirrorz​

Mick was supposed to not give a shit about Nikki. He and the stupid drummer had tormented him and his wife for months on ends, making the whole tour a living hell and he didn’t need to have even more things to worry about. So what if his bassist decided to get addicted to heroin? He was a fucking dumbass but it wasn’t his problem.  He would end up killing himself and it wasn’t like Mick could have done something, not when his whole body was torturing him.

The only problem was that he cared, deep down. He cared about the fucker and hearing the news that he was gone forever hit him.  He lost one of his friends and the band all together in a day, what would have happened? He hated to admit he was scared about the future, it was hard to imagine Motley Crue without Nikki.

He sighed, turning off yet another discussion about his death. They didn’t call him yet but something was telling him that they had to release a statement soon.  Doc was probably freaking out somewhere crying for all his millions of dollars lost.

“Fucking Nikki, you had to die at the worst moment, didn’t you?”

“Yeah… sorry about that, man” A voice incredibly similar to Nikki said, making Mick jump up.

Nikki didn’t feel anything, one moment they were in the ambulance and the other they were on the beach.  He was confused for a moment before he remembered that Mick had a beach house, and stared at it for a bit. He didn’t know much about the guitarist, maybe almost nothing but he respected him so much.  He was one of the strongest dudes he had ever met.

The weirdest thing about all of this was probably how he was only able to feel certain things, no cravings or sand under his feet as he was walking, yet he would still feel guilt, fear, love, worry… it didn’t make sense but he wasn’t in the mood to question the universe’s rules.

People can’t see you until you decide to show yourself. You have to remember or otherwise they can’t hear or see you.

The voice still freaked him out, but at the same time he was grateful for it to be there… it made him feel less alone, which was great considering how he felt lonely for his entire life.

“You’re not alone Nikki, I’ll always be there with you, through highs and lows”

“God it sounds like a marriage vow, T-Bone”

“Well if I could I’d marry now…”

He shook his head, trying to get the memory out.  It wasn’t the time to be sentimental and risk fucking everything up, so he walked ( more like flew) through the front door and found Mick sitting on the couch.

“Fucking Nikki, you had to die at the worst moment, didn’t you?”

“Yeah… sorry about that, man”. The bassist hoped that he was heard, otherwise it would have been pretty embarrassing.

Mick visibly jumped at hearing Nikki’s voice and quickly turned around to look at him.  From his widened eyes and confused expression, he knew he probably looked fucking transparent.

“Okay first of all why the hell are you here talking to me if you’re dead? Then why the fuck can I see myself through you ?”

The black haired man just realized that he had no idea how to explain everything and be believed, he just went along with whatever the voice in his head was saying, but now it was different. He fumbled with his hand and realized he couldn’t feel them, while he tried to come up with the best way to explain to his friend how he was a ghost and why he was there.

“I died… I have no idea how I came back but I have unfinished business and I need to talk to you!”

The guitarist looked at him up and down, clearly skeptical.  However, there wasn’t much arguing… Nikki’s ghost was literally standing in front of him.

“Okay I have no idea if this is a dream, I’m dead or in a coma, or simply I drank too much but now I’ll grab some vodka and you’ll spill your little secrets as you like”.

Nikki smiled a bit… He honestly felt normal for the first time since he was brought back.  Having Mick joking was so familiar, usually Tommy was the aim of his jokes and they all laughed because they were all so unexpected…

Tommy. Thinking about him still hurt, again he wondered if he was okay and how much he missed him… but it wasn’t his time now.  He had other things to talk about as Mick came back into the living room with his glass.

“Mick… you gotta promise me that you won’t let Motley Crue die, that you will fight to keep the band’s legacy.”

The older man looked at him surprised, rolling his eyes.

“Well that’s a bit hard when our bassist and songwriter died!”

Rage and resentment were heavy in his voice but there was more : fear and sadness. Nikki felt guilty and he fucking hated it, it was so unlike him but he couldn’t help it… Mick cared about the band as much as he did.  He always said the band was his life, before heroin came into the picture, but it was also Mick’s and he probably destroyed everything.

“You will find another one, another bassist who is also a songwriter…” The words felt so foreign coming from his mouth.  They even hurt a bit but they were necessary.

“I know you care about this band as much as I do, Mick. I know how much you’ve worked your ass off in shitty bands, trying to find the one that was going to break… I might be dead but Crue can’t have the same fate”.

Mick scoffed, taking a long sip of his vodka.

“It’s not easy, it’s not like we can find the perfect match like we did. Plus, everyone will probably hate him for replacing you!”

The frustration was almost tangible, but there was something else… Mick was scared, he knew everything was about to fade away because of Nikki’s actions, he was already looking at the boat sinking. Nikki started to panic because his band had to live, even in his death! It was pointless and selfish but that was the only thing people could remind him of.

“If you give up, then Vince and Tommy will do the same! I know that you think no one will take you, but the truth is they will. Crue is what it is because of our vision, you are part of it and I’m asking you to keep it going. Think of this as my dying man’s wish… even if I’m already dead”

The older man’s grip on his glass got tighter, his eyes lost in thought as he was pondering Nikki’s words. It was hard to take in, hell that was an understatement, it was fucking insane and probably wouldn’t work but the bassist needed to have this false hope.

“It’s so fucking weird, you know? To realize you’re fucking dead yet here talking to me.”

He was deflecting, Nikki knew it, but didn’t want to push it too far. He learned to know Mick, he kept his promises and he was a hard worker and with a good dose of luck and jokes, you got him to your side.

“Yeah, do you remember how I said you weren’t going to make it in that interview? Well, karma hits like a bitch!”

“Mick might not make it , he drinks a little too much and it looks rough” Mick quoted, trying to imitate Nikki’s voice.

“Yeah and then you said something like I heard what you said and you’re dead, fuck I guess you were right” He laughed but Mick didn’t.

Oh c’mon so what if he was joking about his death? It’s not like anyone really cared about him.  They just saw him as a burden, which he was. Not his mom, nor his band or his Tommy would have really missed him… they would eventually move on.

“You’re a fucking idiot.” He said annoyed but his lips formed a small smile.

“I know, I know. Mick… please promise me that. If Crue is going to end, then my whole life didn’t mean anything! Ple…” He stopped himself, he was so fucking close to begging but he couldn’t. Nikki Sixx didn’t fucking beg, not in life or death.

“I’m thinking about it!”

He really meant the first part. He spent all his teenage and adult years creating the band of his dreams and making sure they conquered the world.  This band was his escape; his attempt at redemption after his shitty childhood. Nobody loved Frank Feranna but he didn’t care, he would become Nikki Sixx and be super fucking famous!

He didn’t need anyone’s love, except that he did.

“ I love you, Nikki.”

“ No you don’t, nobody does, T-Bone”

“Well I fucking do. You gotta pass on my dead body before you’ll hear me not saying it over and over”

His heart might have stopped, but he still felt the big wave of nostalgia hitting him. He couldn’t do it, he would have never been ready to see him again.

“Okay, I will. But listen to me, it won’t be easy and I’m an old man with a fucked up back, so don’t send demons against me if I fail!” The little spark of determination in his eyes relaxed Nikki, he was on board.

“I fucking knew you were the best, Mars! If I wasn’t dead I’d probably tattoo your face on me as a thank you!”

“Oh gross, never say that again!” He pretended to be disgusted but his eyes betrayed him, the small softness in them told Nikki he felt touched.

“Who knows, maybe in hell they have tattoos for the ghosts. God we used to hate each other and now we are two peas in a pod.”

“I still hate you.”

“Ugh, you crushed my heart Mick”

The guitarist flipped him off, rolling his eyes. Nikki desperately wanted to keep talking, if he did then he could have pretended nothing changed, right? He didn’t have to face Vince and Tommy and go through the light… everything would have stayed the same or he could fool himself that it would.

I think it’s time to go to the next person.

The voice was demanding yet still calm. Nikki knew that he couldn’t stay forever, they had to prevent spirits from just lingering into the real world like that, it made him a bit angry but he understood it. It wasn’t like he could have done much anyway…He was just a shell of what he used to be.

“I gotta go Mick…” He wanted to punch himself because he sounded so fucking pathetic, but the other man gave him a compassionate smile.

What he fuck are you, a little small puppy? Oh look Frankie is scared to leave his illusion of a family.

Mick walked him to the other without saying anything, but before turning the handle, which was pointless because Nikki could have just passed through the door, he broke the silence.

“Try to give us some signs, okay? Show us that you’re there… but don’t you fucking dare spill my vodka or I’ll make you two times dead!”

“Oh that’s exactly what I’ll do, thanks for the suggestion!”

He stepped outside and looked at Mick one last time.

“You promised, alien. You gotta do it!”

“Yeah yeah, you better repay me when I come to join you there…” And with one last look, Mick closed the door.

Nikki felt all of the weight crushing down on his body, even if it was made of air. He simply stood still, his mind racing like a freight train, trying to take everything in but also getting ready for his next move… being overwhelmed was an understatement, he felt peeled down like an orange and this was only the beginning. He felt like a fucking coward but he just wanted to get over it, was it that bad to accept his fate and disappear without facing anyone?

You are going to abandon him again? You know why you need to talk to Vince, and you know this will be your last chance to see him, asshole!

He went to kick the sand, but he couldn’t touch it. God, how frustrating was that!

So where are we going next?

Nikki would have wanted to scream at him, give him the middle finger and just run away but it wouldn’t have been helpful, would it? So he forced himself to be as neutral as possible.

“Vince Neil. Take me to his house.”

[robotslenderman]

Eternal Hearts Liveblog, pt 1

Special thanks to @missn11​, who is probably mortified their name is associated with this travesty of a post, for letting me get my filthy little hands on this piece of embarrassing VTM history.

Okay guys, time to do the thing that’s gonna get me cancelled by fifteen-year-olds in the year 2032:

I’m gonna liveblog Eternal Hearts.

I once promised myself I would never make a rape joke, but today I break that vow because even the rape scenes are (sometimes) just that fucking ridiculous that I had to make fun of them.

This book is just.

Guys.

It’s GLORIOUS.

In the first twenty-four pages alone we have:

A guy is confronted by a locked door, so he whips his dick out. Everyone else acts like this is completely normal.

A guy meeting Final Death because a politician sat on his face. RIP in pieces Noah.

A mortal setting herself on fire, waving her arms around and running at a bunch of vampires yelling “DIE, YOU BASTARDS!”

A guy using his dick as a key ring. (Yeah, it’s the locked door guy.)

Lucita given the Hallowe’en treatment, in that she’s covered with sewage -- but sexy!

Daddy kink on top of the Washington monument.

Only some of the above makes sense in context. Some of it is as baffling in context as it is out of context.

This is the funniest shit I’ve ever read. Nobody told me about this when I went in holy shit.

Time to open this sucker up!

Liveblog under the cut!

DEAD DOVE, DO NOT EAT, THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING. IF YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT ETERNAL HEARTS IS, DO NOT READ THIS LIVEBLOG, HOLY SHIT.

You’re in for a ride, and it’s the edgiest, unsexiest ride ever.

First thing I notice: Eternal Hearts is, in fact, written by a woman. Which may mean that if she wanted to scare the shit out of her female readers, she'd know exactly how to do it.

gulp.

(^ I wrote that back when I thought I was gonna traumatise myself by reading this. OH BOY)

Next bit, the rape book is opened by the following foreword:

What follows is an essay that basically boils down to "no! :D but we wrote it anyway!”

Partway through that is this quote:

We’ll come back to that quote later. Several times, I predict.

Aaaand we open straight into a gang rape scene! Oh joy. And there’s church spires, to make it extra edgy.

Oh but then they give her the Kiss so she enjoys it! Yay!

Oh.

She's a shovelhead.

They never mentioned THIS part of the Sabbat recruitment process.

and now she's underground and buried and being raped again? Somehow. Like somebody’s got their entire goddamn fist in there. While under six feet of dirt. I know someone’s got their entire damn fist in there because the Shovelhead’s thinking about how somebody got their entire goddamn fist in there.

(Yeah this is the bit I had to make jokes about because it was that fucking ridiculous. I started this out trying to be respectful. I failed. Miserably. I just can’t fucking do it this is too -- too -- Eternal Hearts-y.)

Like the author just turned to the other people in the credits page and pitched this idea: “guys. Hear me out. What do you think is scarier than being raped or being buried alive?”

“idk what?”

“being raped after being buried alive!”

“That’s a GREAT idea!”

(”Lucy didn’t even break the rules as much as I was willing to let her” Remember that quote? Thank god for that.)

Jean - for that is our poor Shovelhead's name, RIP - seems only mildly concerned about the rape. and the fact it’s still happening.

Like yeah, serious talk, putting my respectful hat on: to be fair, everyone responds to trauma differently. You know how I respond to trauma? I make jokes about it. Like I’m the kind of person to say “what are you gonna do, STAB ME?” for the lols when a guy is pointing a knife at me.

Okay, respectful hat back off, back to edgy humour.

Anyway she’s being fisted by somebody while also six feet underground, somehow, and daydreaming about the guy she’s stalking and about how she’s in love with him, hmm, maybe he had something to do with it? She’s not entirely sure.

(ETA: So an anonymous Discord friend was reading my liveblog and said this:

and I laughed so hard my dog actually pawed at me because she was worried.

Yeah, I’m going to hell, but at least I know I’m taking you guys with me.)

Anyway she starts digging her way out, and I guess she’s still being fisted while she’s digging her way out???? IDK they didn’t say it stopped??? Like that’s gotta make digging your way out difficult.

And then cut to Lucita!

Walking past a protest outside a sex shop. There’s a bunch of Christian protestors outside because they’re bored or something. We get straight back into rapiness with a Dominate:

Damn Lucita, if jizzing your own brains isn't the hottest image you can give a guy, I don't know how what is.

Lucita decides to snack instead of raping him, but does sexually assault him by taking his dick from his pants and leaving it in his hand when he’s unconscious.

Lucita walks into a meeting at a brothel. There are “slaves”. I’m not sure if they’re sex slaves or if they’re actually ghouls, but then again, this is Eternal Hearts so probably both.

She expects Pieterzoon to be there, but he's not. When the others start talking like he's missing, she is completely unconcerned and immediately starts talking as if she knows he's missing.

They move on. Pieterzoon has paid Lucita to assassinate Marcus Vitel. Good fucking luck with that one. Everyone at the meeting is trying to stop her from doing it. Lucita’s like “tough shit he’s already paid me bitch is gonna die”.

Also the Brujah woman present is apparently this scene’s titillation or something because the author loves to remind us about how tight her clothes are and how she's "seductively cuddling" people.

no fucking kidding

I like how the VTM universe goes out of its way to avoid using the terms “son” and “daughter” to avoid the Unfortunate Implications when people inevitably start fucking their Sires

and the author’s like "nah fuck that let’s daddy kink it up.”

Oh and he does it ON TOP OF THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT!! Like gang rape in a churchyard wasn’t edgy enough I guess.

the author can't go a paragraph without reminding us that sex exists and everyone is utterly sex crazed. The bit I blacked out above? That was Lucita daydreaming about hiring a prostitute. Like that’s not erotica, erotica is arousing, this is just voyeurism.

Lucita apparently hasn't yet noticed she's in a porno.

Somebody makes a joke about the Christian protestors gang raping the prostitutes outside. It’s a Ventrue. Of course it is.

Apparently the slave (I guess the word “ghoul” isn’t sexy enough) in the above screenshot is a fucking senator. Pun not intended. She soothes the cranky Brujah by suggesting they get somebody called Torres deported? I have no idea what that has to do with Lucita assassinating Marcus Vitel, but there's almost certainly going to be fucking involved.

(ETA 23/1/21 -- I regret to inform you all that there wasn’t “fucking” involved so much as gang rape. Never mind.)

Lucita and the Brujah guy almost start stabbing each other (so much for that soothing), but somebody has just set the brothel on fire so they have to GTFO.

The mortal senator can't quite fit inside the escape tunnel because her skirt is huge and keeping it on is apparently more important than not dying of smoke inhalation. But it’s okay, she manages it.

The skirt will be important later, unfortunately.

They come to a locked door in the passage. Oh no, whatever will they do?

Will they take a key out of their pocket and unlock it?

Nah, that’s too fucking sensible.

The Brujah that tried to punch Lucita whips out his dick.

Yes.

He actually fucking does that.

Weird flex, but okay.

(ETA 21/1/21 -- I just realised... what if it’s somebody ELSE’S penis he just whipped out? Like the thing was actually just chilling out and he pulls it out the way somebody else pulls out a cucumber. It’s not attached to his body, it’s just THERE?)

Everyone is completely unfazed by this. Both by the fact he whipped his dick out, and the fact he uses it as a fucking key ring.

Like. Is this a habit of his????? APPARENTLY IT IS.

(ETA: Anonymous Discord friend says:

SDFADLFJASDLFJASDF)

They end up in a sewer.

Garinson keeps a key to a sewer on his dick key ring.

(”Lucy didn’t even break the rules as much as I was willing to let her” yeah I just remembered another place more fitting for a sewer key)

THEN!!!

PLOT TWIST!!

The senator suddenly threatens everyone with a lighter!!

After the kindred are done laughing their ass off, she covers herself in whiskey, sets herself on fire and charges them.

I'm sorry but the way it's worded - pin wheeling, cringing - just makes this the funniest shit. It gets even funnier when you remember they’re knee-deep in water. Ever tried to run in water? It’s. not exactly easy. So presumably she’s tripping and stumbling the entire time and somehow still on fire as she does so.

A kindred tries to escape by clawing his way up the wall. He falls. The senator assassinates him by flinging her skirt over his head and sitting on his face. That part of her is also on fire. The skirt and her thighs are on fire.

And I guess they’re obviously not thigh-deep in water any more ‘cause the poor fuck doesn’t survive this.

what a way to fucking go: death by fire pussy.

Everyone panics, except Lucita, who's like "fuck this", cuts off her head, puts out the corpse, then, uh. uses it as a shield against the remaining flames. as you do.

(Between that and the above screenshot, there’s graphic descriptions of what, exactly, the fire is doing to the senator, and how said senator doesn’t give a flying fuck that fire is kinda hurty because she hates vampires that fucking much.)

Lucita meets a Nosferatu who offers to guide her from the sewers. On the next page, we have an illustration of Lucita, in sewage, looking up at the Nosferatu.

You couldn’t possibly make that picture sexy, could you?

Welp the artist went “Challenge accepted!”

So I wanted to show you guys the picture but I didn’t want to get too banned from Tumblr for an Eternal Hearts liveblog, so I went to my friends for help. One of them, @intimidatethevoid​, answered the call to arms:

Well.

This is awkward.

And so she bestowed upon me this glorious, but also cursed, image:

Yeah.

Her shirt’s somehow come off. And she isn’t wearing any knickers. Hence the Filthy Frank sticker.

And that’s gonna wrap up part 1 of my Eternal Hearts liveblog!

For more, like this post in secret shame so that none of your followers have to see it. To cancel me, send angry anon messages and death threats to my inbox.

[zigtheeortega]

PLATINUM WEEKEND PLAYLIST

in a spurt of energy i decided to finish the playlist i’d been working on for a while! this turned into a raleigh playlist, and i’m a little sorry about it but not really :/ this playlist is nsfw and all of the descriptions are under the cut! [there’s a line separating the spanish-language songs’ explanations]

1. anywhere

we can make love on the bedroom / floating on top of my waterbed / i'm kissing you / running my fingers through your hair / in the hallway / making our way beside the stairs / we can do it anywhere

most singers are influenced by their predecessors, so i have no doubt that raleigh listened to old r&b groups and practiced lead vocals, background vocals, & harmonies to them in the shower. this one stands out to me because i think it captures just the right amount of smooth sensual energy that raleigh exudes at all times. 112 is immaculate and no doubt one of raleigh’s favs.

2. nasty

promise I'ma give it to you like you never had it / i do it so good, it's gon' be hard to break the habit / you're like a whole constellation / swimming like you on vacation / promise i'm still gonna love you when you wake up in the a.m.

you can’t convince me that raleigh didn’t listen to ariana’s album when it dropped and went absolutely wide eyed when they heard these lyrics like “she really went there...” – but then it became a staple of every ~secret playlist to do the horizontal polka to~ 

3. sex money feelings die

all my lights off when i wake up / tears under my makeup / your lips will stay shut / wanna wake up, break up / i don't wanna think about, think about you / drink up, drink up / i'm so fucked up / all i want is you / no, i don't wanna think about, think about you / sex money feelings die / baby don't you cry

so this is the song i’ve latched onto for my mc dom. i have a headcanon (i think i’ve said it on main a lot, and i’ve even made edits for it) that after the breakup, which everyone else thinks is real, but they think is fake, but is actually real, dom drives to the studio super late at night and just belts out the lyrics while sobbing just to get them off of her shoulders. and it accidentally becomes a hit! which makes raleigh feel even more like shit 

4. facetime

back up all that shit you talking / facetimin' my baby tonight, oh / bet you wanna cop a feel / bet you wonder if it's real / facetimin' my baby tonight / and when you coming home / i'm gon' give you all of my love / i'm gon' put it on you / i said ooh you a hell of a drug

not to get too in detail but raleigh is an ~active~ individual, so i have no doubt that during long tours, they’re facetiming mc for some quality time. and this one’s just sensual and sweet like raleigh’s relationship is so!  

5. only 1

i know all the competition that's after you / so i get to thinking, is this too good to be true? / i can't, be your, only one / no i can't, be your only one / 'cause you look twice as good as anyone i ever met / and your love is three times better / how could anyone forget? / as I'm layin' down, with you every night / it still gets to me, that you remain by my side / i ain't saying that i'm not deservin' of you / but i was dreaming, bigger than i ever knew

raleigh’s convinced they don’t deserve someone as good as the mc and this for sure seems to be one of those songs that they heard when ari’s album dropped and they were like “jeez this is sappy” then they turn out to relate to it super hard like the clown they are

6. kissin’ on my tattoos

now i ain't ever been the jealous type of guy / but i want you to myself, i can't lie / i know we ain't on no one on one thing / but baby, it should change / 'cause when i be out with other chicks i be thinking 'bout you / and when you be out on dates you be texting me too / i don't want nobody but you / kissin' on my tattoos / i don't want nobody but me / talkin' to you / until you fall asleep / we better stop playing (we better stop playing) / before we mess around and someone gets hurt

now this... this is THE quintessential raleigh song for me. like when i think of raleigh this is THE first song that comes to mind. the entire song beginning to end is raleigh singing about mc. like i am convinced if this existed in their universe, they ghostwrote it for mc. genuinely the MOST raleigh song in existence and i cannot be convinced otherwise

7. life of an outlaw

not gonna put the lyrics but this would absolutely be on one of raleigh’s playlists that they play pre-concert to get hyped up, or a workout playlist. i just feel it in my bones that their fav music is from the 90′s ok

8. watch ‘n’ learn

i'ma do it, do it, do it / on the bed, on the floor, on the couch / only 'cause your lips say make it to my mouth / just because i can't kiss back / doesn't mean you can't kiss that / baby all i need / all doing on me / like you aimed to please / show me how much you mean it / by the way that you please me, baby

another song on their freaky deeky playlist ! i know raleigh’s prob tried to get with rihanna at least once in their lives

9. freaky girls

i'ma be your freak any time or place, any day of the week / said i'ma let you hit it, i ain't scared, i ain't shy, it's cool with me 

yet ANOTHER song on their freaky deeky playlist ! sorry im not taking this more seriously im just daydreaming ab the songs that raleigh would add to their secret playlists

10. thinkin’ bout you

thinking bout ya, dreaming bout ya / i don't wanna be without ya / pillow talking, heaven walking / been about ya, still about ya / you ain't gotta worry bout it, baby girl, you know i got you / drinking out the bottle to deal with all my problems like / i should call / i thought i had the right one the last time around

god this is post breakup raleigh through and through. i have a hc that raleigh ghostwrites a lot of songs for people especially ones that fuck with their brand – they collabed on this with micah and a popular rapper and micah was like :/ come on now raleigh i KNOW who this is about

11. un-thinkable

moment of honesty / someone's gotta take the lead tonight, who's it gonna be? / i'm gonna sit right here and tell you all that comes to me / if you have something to say, you should say it right now / you give me a feeling that i never felt before / and i deserve it, i think i deserve it / it's becoming something that's impossible to ignore / and i can't take it / i know you said to me / this is exactly how it should feel when it's meant to be

raleigh’s confession!!!!!!!! lord this reminds me of when they were on the beach together just talking and vibing – or really any time that they took

12. kiss it better

been waiting on that sunshine / boy, I think I need that back / can't do it like that / no one else gonna get it like that / man, fuck your pride, just take it on back, boy / take it on back boy, take it back all night / what are you willing to do? / oh, tell me what you're willing to do? / kiss it, kiss it better, baby

i think raleigh would cover this omg and maybe im biased bc it’s my fav song of all time but it just exudes raleigh energy!! plus i think this might be on their freaky deeky playlist LMAO

13. unrequited love

lost in the flames of love / unrequited love / time won't always heal / and it eats at my mind / because you're the one that got away / sometimes i feel alone / tried to hold my breath / somewhere deep in space / and i felt like you understood / what it truly means to be in love / now i'm wide open, it's so hard to focus / now that it's the end, i guess you'll always be / the one that got away

you know raleigh was super in their feelings after the breakup – i don’t think they knew how fast they’d fall for the mc. even if they didn’t admit it out loud, i think they were convinced they wouldn’t find someone like the mc again. anyways this song is sad as hell

14. you’re mine

come a little closer / let me tell you something / eat your ego honey / honey swallow your pride / i spotted you the second you walked in the building / i knew that you had let me get you high / i wanna hear the things you say when no-one's listening / no one's gonna save you / use you up and break you / i'm the one who plagues you every night / 'cause you're mine.

so the song itself is ab a toxic relationship, but tbh i can picture my mc dom and raleigh singing this duet on stage together and the chemistry would be absolutely off the charts oh my god. 

––––

[disclaimer, i do not speak spanish, but i grew up listening to it and a lot of them have a lot of significance to me – i hope the rough translations i found online will do! some of them are very rough so i’ll just put the spanish lyrics]

so with all of these spanish songs im convinced that raleigh would cover any of these! most of them are really romantic and have the same vibe as what i imagine raleigh would have !! not gonna do a lot of explaining here because i think this explanation speaks for itself

15. viento

préstame tu peine / y péiname el alma / desenrédame / fuera de este mundo / dime que no / estoy sonándote / enséñame / de que estamos hechos.

lend me your comb / and comb my soul / untangle me / away from this world / tell me i'm not / dreaming of you / show me / what we’re made of

16. visita

que no es gusto, no es mi voluntad / que es lo que te digo / que aunque no me veas yo voi a estar / siempre contigo / la semana me parte en dos / de viernes a domingo / tu visita me repara cuando nos conecta entonces / quiero que te vengas a vivir, todos los dias conmigo

do not have a translation that makes a lot of grammatical sense for this one, but it’s generally about wanting to be closer to each other and move in together rather than visiting! it’s a really sweet song and the distance aspect reminds me of raleigh and mc

17. te quiero

te quiero / no, ya no me llores / no me vayas a hacer / llorar a mí / dame, dame tu mano / intentalo, mi niña / quiero verte reir / necesito verte / donde quiera que estes / te quiero, te quiero, te quiero / y no hago otra cosa / que pensar en ti / solo vivo y respiro / para ti 

i love you / no, don’t cry for me anymore / don’t make me cry / give me, give me your hand / try, my darling / i want to see you laughing / i need to see you / wherever you are / i love you, i love you, i love you / i don’t do anything else / than thinking about you / i only live and breath / for you

imagining raleigh singing this for mc......... swoooooon

18. maría

not offering a translation, but it’s a sad song that i think raleigh would potentially cover!

19. efímera

nos miramos a través del cuerpo y la piel / se conectaron nuestras almas / es que tus ojos de miel deslumbran mi ser / cuando la oscuridad me atrapa / cuando me besas / me siento en otra parte / me hierve la sangre / me derrite el corazón

we saw each other through our bodies and skin / our souls connected / its cause your honey colored eyes dazzle my being / when the darkness traps me / when you kiss me / i feel like i’m in another place / my blood boils / it melts my heart

“it’s like every song i’ve ever written was about you” this is one of em for sure

20. obsesion

son las cinco de la mañana y no he dormido nada / pensado en tu belleza en loco voy a parar / el insomnio es me castigo, tu amor será mi alivio / y hasta que no seas mía, no viviré en paz

it’s five in the morning and i haven’t slept at all / thinking bout your beauty, i’m gonna end up crazy / insomnia is my punishment, your love will be my relief / and until you’re mine, i will not live in peace

raleigh and mc would duet this!!!! the lyrics themselves aren’t really about their relationship but i think the vocals would be perfect for them

21. quiero ver

quiero ver tu risa todo el día / escuchar la melodía de tu voz / quisiera ser el brillo de tus ojos / el peine que desnuda tu esplendor / la esquina que te ve cuando caminas / y quiero ser tu último dolor / te pido que me cures esta herida / yo sé muy bien que no es tu obligación / tan sólo si amortiguas mi caída / será mi salvación

i want to see your smile all day / listen to the melody of your voice / i wish i could be the brightness of your eyes / the comb that undresses your splendor / the corner that sees you when you walk / i want to be your last pain / i ask you to heal this wound / i know very well it’s not your obligation / just only if you cushion my fall / it’ll be my salvation

this one makes me so soft oh my god and its another “it’s like every song i’ve ever written was about you” type of song

22. más que tu amigo

es un secreto / que tan solo quiero compartir / con esos ojos / que le han dado luz a mi vivir / y en esta noche no hay más luna / que como tú me alumbre más / que en mi alma crece una fortuna / por tanta dicha que me das / te quiero, te quiero / se oye en mi pecho / es el grande amor que me has hecho / latido a latido / te siento conmigo / yo quiero ser más que tu amigo

it is a secret / i just want to share / with those eyes / that give me light to live / and tonight there is no more moon / that shines on em as brightly as you do / in my soul grows a fortune / for such happiness that you bring me / i love you, i love you / you can hear in my chest / it’s the great love you’ve made me / heartbeat to heartbeat / i feel you with me / i want to be more than your friend

god i can just imagine them singing this to mc teasingly during their fake relationship and she’s like “sounds pretty i love your voice” but it’s really a confession AHHH

23. peligroso pop

no explanation on this one either! i just think this spanglish song would no doubt be on a playlist of raleigh’s !!! i’m also imagining raleigh dancing to this or going to this artists’ concert or something. idk it just reminds me of him !!!

24. eres

aquí estoy a tu lado / y espero aquí sentado hasta el final / no te has imaginado / lo que por tí esperado, pues eres / lo que yo amo en éste mundo, eso eres / cada minuto lo que pienso, eso eres / lo que más cuido en este mundo, eso eres

here i am by your side / and i’ll wait here, sitting, until the end / you haven’t imagined / what i’ve waited for you, because you are / what i love in this world, that’s what you are / every minute in what i think, that’s what you are / what i treasure most in this world, that’s what you are

this entire song is raleigh singing to mc, but like this little section is just SO sappy. that one line i keep mentioning? yeah that’s this song

25. locos

estoy contento de tenerte cerca / muy cerca de mí / que me digas loco / que me des besos / y que te rías de mí / y sé que nunca te lo he dicho / y me da miedo confesar / pero antes, quiero besarte / que llevo loco, tratando de decirte / que ya no puedo vivir sin ti

i’m happy because you’re close / very close to me / cause you call me crazy / cause you give me kisses / and laugh at me / and i know i’ve never told you this / and i’m afraid to confess / but first, i want to kiss you / i’m crazy, trying to tell you / that i can no longer live without you

god this reminds me of raleigh so much like ??? ok i dont know if this makes sense but imagine raleigh not being able to quite say the words they’re feeling so they just sing a song in spanish instead because they one, express their feelings through lyrics better and two, they know mc doesn’t understand spanish (this is specifically for non spanish speaking mcs)

26. no te puedo olvidar

sé que nunca me equivoqué / en lo que siento / y cuando me tocas la piel / me desvanezco / sé que miraremos a la última estrella / así nos conectaremos / yo te necesito más de lo que piensas / más de lo que puedo creer / vives en mí y en mi materia / no te quedo olvidar

i know i was never wrong / about what i feel / and when you touch my skin / i vanish / i know we’re gonna stare at the last star / that’s how we’ll connect / and i need you more than you can imagine / more than you can believe / you live in me and in my matter / i can’t forget you

this is one of the most romantic songs i swear to gooooddddd i think if raleigh and mc ever broke up this would be what they wrote afterwards – but also i think in general he’d write this about her without the breakup ! idk i’m just in love with this song. anyways

OKAY I’M DONE RAMBLING I HOPE YOU ENJOYED THIS PLAYLIST !!!! this is what i’ve been listening to while i’ve been reblogging posts today !!!

[gladlyrphelper]

BRING ME THE HORIZON // POST HUMAN: SURVIVAL HORROR a lyric sentence starters meme from the post human: survival horror EP. please change pronouns / punctuation & such as needed!

DEAR DIARY ❝i don’t know what’s going on but something’s up.❞ ❝every channel is the same - it’s sending me insane.❞ ❝god is a shithead and we’re his rejects.❞ ❝i can’t stomach anymore survival horror.❞ ❝i keep fading in and out.❞ ❝i don’t know where i’ve been.❞ ❝tv say there’s no more human race.❞ ❝what sad my whole entire existence been a waste.❞ ❝it’s not the end of the world. oh, wait.❞

PARASITE EVE ❝don’t breathe on me.❞ ❝i’m a believer in nobody.❞ ❝won’t let me leave ‘cause i’ve seen something.❞ ❝we just need to fear something.❞ /  ❝we just wanna scream something.❞ ❝only pretending to feel something.❞ /  ❝only pretend to believe something.❞ ❝i know you’re dying to run.❞ /  ❝i know you’re baying for blood.❞ ❝i wanna turn you around.❞ ❝the end has arrived.❞ ❝we cannot save you, enjoy the ride.❞ ❝this is the moment you’ve been waiting for.❞ ❝don’t call it a warning.❞ / ❝don’t call it a warning, this is a war.❞ ❝got a feeling in your stomach ‘cause you know that it’s coming for you.❞ ❝leave your flowers and grieve - don’t forget what they told you.❞ ❝when we forget the infection, will we remember the lesson?❞ ❝will we remember the lesson?❞ ❝if the suspense doesn’t kill you, something else will.❞ ❝quarantine all of those secrets in that black hole you call a brain before it’s too late.❞ ❝you can’t keep washing your hands of this shit anymore.❞ ❝life is a prison and death is the door.❞

TEARDROPS ❝we hurt ourselves for fun.❞ ❝force feed our fear until our hearts go numb.❞ ❝addicted to a lonely kind of love.❞ ❝i wanna know how we got this stressed out, paranoid.❞ ❝everything is going dark.❞ ❝nothing makes me sadder than my head.❞ ❝i’m running out of teardrops.❞ ❝let it hurt til it stops.❞ ❝i’m slipping away from me.❞ ❝everything is so fucked but i can’t feel a thing.❞ ❝the emptiness is heavier than you think.❞ ❝if you hear me, i guess you know how it feels.❞ ❝i guess you know how it feels to be alone.❞ ❝lost my halo, now i’m my own antichrist.❞

OBEY ❝another day, another post-traumatic order.❞ ❝brainwashed and feeling fine.❞ ❝i bit off more than i could chew when i looked closer.❞ ❝think i’m losing my fucking mind.❞ ❝destroy yourself, it feels so good to fade away.❞ ❝don’t let your conscience get in the way.❞ ❝obey, we hope you have a lovely day.❞ ❝obey, you don’t want us to come out and play.❞ ❝there’s nothing to see here; it’s under control.❞ ❝we’re only gambling with your soul.❞ ❝don’t wake up and smell the corruption.❞ ❝another day, another systematic nightmare.❞ ❝should i die for something else?❞ ❝i let my conscience get in the way.❞ ❝your freedom is lethal.❞ ❝you call yourselves peaceful.❞ ❝you monsters are people.❞ ❝i’m gonna show you how i behave.❞ ❝it’s nicer when you can’t see the chains.❞

ITCH FOR THE CURE (WHEN WILL WE BE FREE?) ❝i know why you’re here.❞ ❝you’re fed up of the fear.❞ ❝sick of the fantasy world they’ve built up so you never see clear.❞ ❝something is coming unplugged.❞ ❝there’s a glitch in your trust.❞ ❝you’ve got an itch for the cure.❞ ❝you’re scared to walk out the door.❞ ❝i’m here to tell you there’s a universe that lives without law.❞ ❝you keep asking yourself: when will we be free?❞

KINGSLAYER ❝hi, are you looking for the other side?❞ ❝feel like nothing ever seems quite right?❞ ❝i need to know where your loyalties lie.❞ ❝tell me, are you gonna bark or bite?❞ ❝do you really want to twist the knife in the belly of the monster?❞ ❝wipe the system and back the fuck up.❞ ❝when they cut your strings off, don’t come crawling back.❞ ❝i’d sacrifice my life to find you.❞ /  ❝i’d sacrifice it all to guide you.❞ ❝come and collect us from the night.❞ ❝this world is so dark that i can’t see.❞ ❝the future won’t disappear.❞ ❝i want to obtain another world.❞ ❝life is encrypted - you are modified.❞ ❝artificial ‘til the day you die, silly program: you’re corrupted.❞ ❝now let’s go and open the door of time.❞ ❝i’ll fight for you until i die.❞ ❝this is your wake up call.❞

1X1 ❝the sun don’t shine in the place i’ve been.❞ ❝why you keep acting like i don’t exist?❞ ❝i feel like i’m ready to die, but i can’t commit.❞ ❝i ask myself: when will i learn?❞ ❝i’d set myself on fire just to feel the burn.❞ ❝i’m scared that i’m never gonna be repaired.❞ ❝my mind feels like an archenemy.❞ ❝i don’t know what hurts the most; holding on or letting go.❞ ❝reliving my memories and they’re killing me one by one.❞ ❝sabotaged myself again.❞ ❝got a brain like a hurricane.❞ ❝got me sinking to a dark place.❞ ❝think i’m looking at a long night all alone.❞ ❝annihilation never looked so good.❞ ❝hush your mouth, you talk too much.❞ ❝the voices in my head say i’m just being paranoid.❞ ❝it’s bad for my health - how much i hate myself.❞

LUDENS ❝some resist the future.❞ / ❝some refuse the past.❞ ❝a world covered in cables was never wired to last.❞ ❝don’t get so surprised when the program starts to crash.❞ ❝how do i form a connection when we can’t even shake hands?❞ ❝you’re like a phantom greeting me.❞ ❝we plot in the shallows.❞ / ❝hang out in the gallows.❞ ❝do you know why the flowers never bloom?❞ ❝will you retry or let the pain resume?❞ ❝we need a new leader.❞ / ❝i need a new luden.❞ ❝come outside, it’s time to see the tide.❞ ❝it’s out of sight but never out of mind.❞ ❝but soon the sting will pass.❞ ❝names can dig so many graves you won’t know where to stand.❞ ❝i don’t feel secure no more unless i’m being followed.❞ ❝the only way to hide myself is to give ‘em one hell of a show.❞ ❝you call this a connection?❞ / ❝you call this a connection? give me a break.❞

ONE DAY THE ONLY BUTTERFLIES LEFT WILL BE IN YOUR CHEST AS YOU MARCH TOWARDS YOUR DEATH… ❝on the verge of no return, why’d you keep fucking it up?❞ ❝don’t wanna have to bury you.❞ ❝one day the only butterflies left will be in your chest.❞ ❝one day the only butterflies left will be in your chest as you march towards your death.❞ ❝tell me, how’s it gonna feel without my arms wrapped around you?❞ ❝bet it feels pretty real when your skin starts to peel from the bone.❞ ❝you were dead to the world, now i’m dead to you.❞ ❝haunting your own house - nothing to lose.❞ ❝past the point of rescuing, why’d i keep pushing my luck?❞ ❝the hole i wore into your soul has got too big to overlook.❞ ❝one day the only butterflies left will be in our chests.❞ ❝one day the only butterflies left will be in our chests as we march towards your death.❞ ❝i thought we had a future but we ain’t got a chance in hell.❞ ❝you know you can’t breathe on your own.❞ ❝you know i can’t breathe on my own.❞ ❝how can you breathe on your own?❞ / ❝how can i breathe on my own?❞ ❝the sun is setting on our love, i fear.❞ ❝letting our loneliness out into the atmosphere.❞ ❝the tide is turning on our chance to turn it round.❞

[smallmediumproblems]

vigil

noun: a period of keeping awake during the time usually spent asleep, especially to keep watch noun: a demonstration in support of a particular cause, typically without speeches

Something was wrong with Jon’s apartment. He hadn’t been able to pin down what it was until the second night after the fire. Two days of Martin sleeping on his couch. Martin had been almost scarily unobtrusive. Jon hadn't caught any indication of him disturbing a single item in the flat, nor could he hear Martin moving around when he wasn't directly in sight.

Martin's presence wasn't what was wrong. If anything, it was his absence that bothered Jon.

"Martin," Jon called across the apartment. Martin always seemed to station himself at the farthest possible point from Jon, as if that would make him disappear entirely. Now, Jon found him on his laptop in the living room. "Have you seen my mugs?"

"Which… Wait, mugs, as in several?" Martin asked.

"More along the lines of all of them," said Jon.

Martin looked confused, then guilty, then outright annoyed. "Ahh, for- That, yeah. I'll find one." He got up from the armchair and hurried into the kitchen, opening drawers and cabinets seemingly at random. The shelf where Jon kept most of his ceramic-ware was completely bare, except for an inexplicable coating of dust. Martin eventually pulled a mug with a band logo on it out from under the sink, where it was hidden behind a few bottles of dish soap. He held it out to Jon with a cursory nod.

"Okay," said Jon, making no motion to accept the offering, "Why."

"Em," said Martin, "Well, I- It just sort of happens? Things start disappearing around me, so it looks like nobody’s been there. Not like, really disappear, just sort of go away. Like they’re being hidden. I think it happened when I used one this morning and tried to put it back. Normally it takes longer, but I guess it’s worse if I’m trying not to be noticed. Still figuring things out."

"With the Lonely."

"Yes, Jon," said Martin. "You don’t have to say it like that. It's fine. I'm fine."

Jon eyed the mug distrustfully. "I thought you said you hadn't been in contact with Peter."

"I haven't!" Martin said quickly. "This is personal. I'm working on some stuff, and I need it."

"Right," said Jon. "And this… Stuff, there's no chance that I could help-"

"I'm sorry, Jon."

Jon took the mug from him.

"Me too."

They had just started to retreat quietly to opposite sides of the apartment again when something occurred to Jon.

“Hang on, where are the rest of them?” he asked. Martin stopped halfway through picking up his laptop, and gave him an awkward grimace.

“I dunno,” he muttered, “Around?”

“Are you going to help me find them?” said Jon.

“...wasn’t planning on it,” said Martin. “Look, they’ll turn up once I’m gone. This is why I didn’t want to stay with anyone. One of the reasons, anyway. Basira can’t expect us to stay like this forever.”

“Let’s start over,” said Jon, adjusting his glasses over a pointed glare. “Martin, please help me un-vanish the parts of my kitchen that you made vanish.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose,” Martin protested.

“I know,” said Jon, “And I know this isn’t your fault. But that doesn’t make it go away.”

Jon wasn’t, if he was honest with himself, even a little bit angry about the mugs. He was frightened. The disappearance frightened him for a lot of reasons, but Martin’s proposed solution scared him most of all. He imagined himself alone in his apartment after Martin had left for good, watching the mugs slowly return to the shelf one by one when he wasn’t looking, knowing that when the last one reappeared it erased the only sign that Martin had been there at all. Perhaps the only sign that Martin had been, at all.

He didn’t like the way Martin had said ‘once I’m gone.’

Evidently oblivious to Jon’s internal panic, Martin set his laptop down and briefly checked his phone. “It’s going to take hours,” he complained. “Can’t we do it in the morning?”

“I’d rather not,” said Jon. “I don’t like your nightmares any more than you do.”

Martin didn’t seem to know how to respond to this, so he just nodded and pocketed his phone. “I’ll finish the kitchen. You might as well start on the sitting room.”

They worked in silence except for the occasional alert when one of them located a mug. They were missing nine in total, including the one that Martin had retrieved from the sink, hidden in increasingly bizarre places as the search went on. There was one more in the kitchen at the back of the fridge, and Jon found another inside a lamp fixture. After two whole sweeps, Jon stood in the center of the sitting room, staring intently at the front door.

“I don’t think any would’ve made it outside,” said Martin from the kitchen doorway.

“No,” Jon said distantly, “There’s one in here. I know it. I just… Ah!”

He nodded, approaching the couch. He wriggled a hand under one end and tilted it off the ground effortlessly, revealing a dull red mug with the word SPORTS! emblazoned on the side in cartoon yellow letters.

“There,” said Jon. “Could you get that?”

“Hwhaaaaaokay,” said Martin, “Let’s- put that. Down. Slowly.”

Jon gave him a blank look. “I’m not going to break it,” he said, as if that would calm Martin down.

“How are you doing that?” Martin spluttered.

“Oh.” Jon considered the couch. Conveniently, he knew that he was holding most of its 73 kilograms over his head with one arm, and realized why Martin might be concerned. “Forgot about that. It’s easy to get used to.”

“Forgot about what?” said Martin, “Having super strength? How long has- right. Right, that would be since, um... ”

“I’m a bit surprised it still works,” said Jon, sparing Martin from the rest of that sentence. “Everything else has been sort of fading in and out.”

Jon realized too late that Martin had very little concept of what “everything else” was, and, of course, took it the wrong way. “Oh, god,” Martin muttered, “Are you okay?”

"Now that you ask, I’ve been very fragile," said Jon, in a voice so stern and commanding that Martin actually laughed out loud. Immediately, a hand flew up to cover his mouth, but the damage was done. Jon didn't feel fragile. He felt like he could do just about anything in the world to hear that sound again.

To start, though, he struggled to keep a straight face. "I might waste away entirely, at any moment," he continued dramatically,  "Go on, see if I don't!"

"Jon, you- you shouldn't joke about that," said Martin, clearly conflicted between laughing at Jon's theatrics and being concerned.

"Never," said Jon, throwing his free hand to his chest in mock offense. "Joking, about my delicate state? Here, let me put down the couch so I can throw myself onto it."

Martin was present after that in a way that he hadn’t been before. Jon no longer felt a need to check on him every time he disappeared around a corner, as if he might cease to exist if he wasn’t observed directly. This was particularly helpful, since splitting up really did seem to be the only way to search as thoroughly as they needed to. It was nearly three in the morning when they reconvened with a total of eight mugs.

“You’re sure there’s not one in the dishwasher?” said Martin, punctuating his sentence with an enormous yawn.

“Checked,” Jon mumbled, equally tired. “Boxes, what about- did we check in the boxes?”

Martin made an indistinct, doubtful noise.

“There’s some in the hall closet, and in the bedroom,” Jon explained, “Just old papers, maybe it’s there.”

“Fine,” said Martin, “But after that, I’m going to sleep. Eight’s fine.”

Naturally, Martin stationed himself in the hallway. Jon barely stopped short of telling him that he shouldn’t, that he had some very personal, possibly embarrassing documents in there and he’d really rather not risk anyone seeing them.

But he did stop.

He stopped, and he waited.

Under normal circumstances, he would have felt bad for tricking Martin even as indirectly as this, but it was very late at night, and he was reasonably assured that he’d earned a bit of pettiness. Besides, Martin would have to read something of his own volition that he shouldn’t for anything to come of it, which some vestigial instinct in Jon was very acutely interested in. He hauled out box after box from his bedroom closet, not even pretending to search through them, until he saw Martin reading one of the papers.

“Old work for university,” Jon commented loudly, “I think that one was a poetry class.”

He made sure to appear busy when Martin looked up at him.

Martin flipped through the pages with a soft, absolutely enchanted smile while Jon pretended he wasn’t watching. Eventually, he got to one that threw him, and he glanced between Jon and the manuscript with a mixture of confusion and embarrassment.

“Jon,” he said carefully, “Don’t take this the wrong way, but is this one… A-about-”

“Oh, god, let me see,” Jon sighed. He leaned over Martin’s shoulder to skim over the text, but one look at the title told him everything he needed to know. He smirked, and looked up at Martin. “I’m honestly curious, did you get what I was going for?”

“It’s-” Martin looked dumbfounded, “Is this about Batman? Did you turn in a poem about Batman to a university poetry class?”

“Calling it a class by that point in the semester would be a completely unearned kindness,” said Jon. “They were totally out of control. I was so tired of hearing people go on about the 'tortured nature of the artist,' or some slimy opinion about women, or how goddamn meaningful everyone thought se- Uh. Th-the point, I mean, is, um. I thought I was being clever. I just wanted to see if anyone would stop taking themselves so seriously for long enough to call me out.”

Martin’s expression had frozen in place just short of open shock. He recovered gracefully by the time Jon was done spluttering.

“God, that sounds painful,” he said. He sounded like he meant it. More than that, he sounded like it was something he’d been through. Jon could picture him in a cafe, or maybe a back room in a pub, with a handful of other poets workshopping stuff they’d brought in. It was a strange comfort to know that this image was entirely imagined, and that he didn’t know what, if anything, the reality of the situation was. If he did want to know - which he did - he would have to ask, and Martin would get to choose whether or not to tell him about it.

“Did they say anything?”

“Sorry?" Jon said loudly. A large part of his brain was still processing how close he’d come to complaining to Martin at length about sexy poetry. The rest was daydreaming about having a normal, human conversation with him where that hadn’t just happened.

“Did anyone call you out?” Martin prompted.

Jon took a second to try and flush some of the redness that had taken over his cheeks. It didn’t go very well. “W-well, no. They all went round saying very profound, artistic things until it was someone else’s turn.”

“Yeeeees,” said Martin gleefully, “I mean, it is a good poem about Batman.”

“Why, thank you, Martin.”

[alchemist-shizun]

So uhh I had a train of thought and I just really needed to let it out please note that this is very long so beware before you decide to click “read more” and yeah as for contents this is just really me venting about the fact that I’ve prevented myself from drawing since forever and I can’t really stand it any longer (there might be many mistakes but I don’t expect anyone to read this) really just ignore it

Fuck it fuck it fuck them i dont C a r e ™ I’ve had enough i can’t fucking believe they made me feel like this still to this day I haven’t even talked to them in years and because of them I’m still not over it so honestly fuck you elementary teachers and your stupid fucking way of twisting a child’s perception of thing on their way of shaping themselves cause you ruined a perfectly creative child is what you did

Okay so this dates back to, yes you read, elementary school but oh actually let’s get to kindergarten first

I was coloring a lion picture, I was like 4 but I still freaking remember it to this day, the teacher there told me I did it wrong and I didn’t understand why, I got scolded for fucking c o l o r i n g COLORS, I WAS F O U R it wasn’t like a colored a lion BLUE I used typical lion colors what do you want from me?

So I tried again, unsure of what to do, unsure of everything, I color it again, and as if nothing changed I get scolded again and you want to know what they had the courage to do? The fucking hypocrisy? They sent me to the part of preschool you can go when you’re like 2 or 3 TO SIGNIFY THAT I WAS STUPID and to make me feel ashamed of myself for something that I had no clue about cause nobody cared to explain what I did wrong

I still remember how fucking bad I felt, I might have cried too, I don’t know anymore

Fun fact? I recently heard someone else had the same experience

Now what the fuck? What the fuck? Do you know how impactful something like that is on a 4 year old child? Did you not learn how to treat kids in university? Fucking hell you should’ve studied this kind of things, how am I supposed to react to that kind of shaming?

And now let’s go to elementary school. Everything fucking SUCKED in the attitude of the two main teachers I had.

Basically in here you had to write your name, date, class, daily stuff basically on top of the page every time, and right under these things before you start writing or anything you have to do what in Italian we say “cornicetta” that I can literally translate with “little frame”

Basically it was a very tiny drawing you did and you repeated it horizontally so that you had some kind of frame on a single side of the page

And I was terrible at them. I don’t know, I didn’t have the hand of the artist™ what could I do about it? I was just 6. And my teachers? Batshit crazy. My Italian and history teacher in particular, she absolutely hated my drawings

Everything I did didn’t please her at all, the frames I made were always criticized and thank god I don’t remember all of her comments cause if I did I’d probably still be upset over them

There’s one in particular I remember: I think we were making a drawing for history, cause I remember drawing a cave and some people, so I might have been in second or third year. I had started to color it and my teacher came up, inspected it and said “ah it was actually a good drawing, too bad you had to ruin it with colors”

How am I fucking supposed to feel about that? Do I have to yell in joy and say woah you’re absolutely right I must bow to your genius. N O fuck you that’s what I was supposed to say! I wasn’t encouraged in the slightest.

She made me feel like shit and fucking laughed like she was pleased to fuck around with my sanity. Thank you very much you idiot now I’m terrified of drawing anything at all, this is what you created, you happy??

Not only she never gave me constructive criticism on my drawings, but she also insulted my handwriting over and over along with the one of some others, threatening us to go back to writing with the pencil instead of the pen like everyone else

Again, you can imagine how I fucking felt.

You don’t know how many afternoons I spent with my mother writing words in the exact manner my teacher wanted over and over because those were the sick punishments they gave us

Writing some words like 50 times

Sure, it can be practice, but God fucking damn it

I can understand when they said “hey you did a spelling error, how about you write this word like 20 times so that you get used to it” alright

But you don’t make a child sit for hours trying to fill entire pages of stupid senseless words making them feel even more ashamed and stupid than they already felt

It was dreadful for me and even my mother was pissed at that. Not that she didn’t criticize my handwriting either but she gave up after some time

Also, as if elementary wasn’t enough, we had a young teacher at catechism that dared to give us fucking homework LIKE THAT’S NOT EVEN A NORMAL THING none else in the world did that okay n o o n e

And she gave fucking marks, ofc my marks fucking sucked and I hated going there (my parents only made me go so that I could have done all the required things if I ever wanted to get married in church once adult)

Moral of the story, don’t trust catechism teachers if they’re like mine (also my parents hated her)

I don’t know when I stopped drawing, probably after elementary school, since I didn’t have to do those page frames anymore.

But with middle school came art lessons

Art lessons with the teacher I had meant no history of art at all for all the three years and only making art

I hated it, I sucked at everything, my drawing repulsion (if that’s a term I can use) grew stronger with all the years and the teacher I had also wasn’t professional at all so she gave marks based on how much she liked you

Despite all of this, there was a moment in first year of middle school where this teacher fell down the stairs and broke her leg, so we had a substitute: young, sweet lady that I instantly fell in love with

She made us do a project for a group of people we call “alpini” which is a particular group that helped in the war and fought in the north of Italy, in particular in the Alps.

I had a very artistic classmate, her mother was literally and artist and obviously I stood no chance against her, so I was like well I’m not gonna end up in noe place so, let’s just do this for fun I guess

I made this stupid little concept I had in my head, nothing special really, especially since I also drew people and I have no clue of how bodies work in art, but okay

Wanna know something?

I fucking won

I don’t know how, but I fucking won and I still have the prize

But then, the other teacher came back and everything was back to being shitty.

When it was time to choose highschool I was a bit scared cause my course would have had lessons of history of art since the first year and I had never had one while everybody else would have

I was afraid I wouldn’t have liked the subject

Let me tell you, it’s probably my favorite subject by now, and I’m at the last year. I was afraid I wouldn’t have been able to do anything with it, that if I liked history of art the only available universities where the academies that required you to have drawing skills

Then I came to know of the existence of the Cultural Heritage faculty and I couldn’t have been happier

But lately I’m still here thinking what if I actually tried to not listen to the people around me and practice my drawing skills ever since I was little?

I am so fucking sorry for myself because I lost a potential I know I could’ve grown to something probably very beautiful and I will never be able to see it bloom

And you know what? I don’t fucking care I’m so done with this feeling and I want to get rid of it so I don’t care if I’m 18 you can start whenever you want to do things

So I’m gonna start to teach myself how to draw after 18 years of my life and I’m going to see how it turns out and I will fucking stop being absolutely scared of picking up pencils

I’ll stop hearing my past teachers voices in my head saying it’s no use and that I should give up because they’re absolutely horrible and I hate them in particular

I don’t care that’s it this time I’m doing it, I don’t want to be conditioned by stupid people or be submissive anymore

And to those teachers, an honest and wholehearted fuck you, in your face.

[realityhelixcreates]

Lasabrjotr Chapter 20: Rising Conscience

Chapters: 20/? Fandom: Thor (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe Rating: Teen And Up Warnings: Mild violence, drunkenness Relationships: Loki x Reader (Let’s try this again) Characters: Loki (Marvel), Reader, Brunnhilde(Marvel), Thor(Marvel), Steve Rogers  Additional Tags: Post-Endgame: Best Possible Ending (Canon-Divergent), Here Comes Self-Reflection Summary:  When something ends, the only option is to begin anew.

You dreamt of bars and panes of impenetrable glass, layer after layer of shielding, of safety. Layer after layer, hiding you away, hemming you in, keeping everything else out. Far away, through the many, many layers, you could just see a faint blue light, surrounding the form of a person. They pushed on the glass, pounded on it, trying to get through. You could just barely hear their voice, but you couldn’t make out any words. That was fine. You were safe behind your many layers, and even as they fell to their knees, you still couldn’t hear them.

You woke, wrapped so tightly in blankets that you could hardly breathe.

                                                                               *****

“Your Majesty.” Andsvarr said with a deep bow. “Um, I don’t meant to bother you, but I feel it may be important to report that nobody came home last night. I understand that there are many things that are none of my business, but is everything all right?”

“You can stand.” Thor said wearily. “It’s easier to talk to someone who is facing you. Yes, everything is…eh, it’ll be something. The prince was with me, and will probably return shortly. The mortal is with General Brunnhilde. I don’t know when she will be back. Don’t worry about it too much, just send the maid to the Generals rooms for now.”

“Thank you sire.”

                                                                              *****

“What happened?” Saldis demanded.

“I don’t know, he wouldn’t say.” Andsvarr said, wringing his spear. “Just that you should go to the Generals room instead.”

“Should I move all her things there?”

“I don’t know! I guess things have changed now. It’s too bad. I’m going to miss seeing you every day.”

“That’s sweet, but don’t be pessimistic. This might not be permanent. Now, it’s not our job to fix this, especially since we don’t have any details. It is our job to carry on as normal. I’m going to take her clothes to her, and test the waters.”

                                                                            *****

“Soooo. How’s he doing?” Brunnhilde asked. Thor had come out to the Valkyrie’s training area, alone and exasperated, and just watched the women train for a while. Sometimes he offered to help out on the field, but today he was keeping to himself.

“Not as badly as I’d feared.” Thor grumbled. “But not very well.”

They left the training grounds together, swiftly surrounded by various aides and officials. Thor dutifully took the papers that were handed to him, signed what he needed to, called out information and answers to questions that were asked of him, and gave or denied permissions as he was presented them.

The hounding ceased as soon as they reached the residential area of the building; one of the only places where privacy was to be had.

“Look, he might not be exactly personable right now; I don’t know what state he’s in.” Thor said, as the guard let them into his rooms. “Frankly, I hope he’s asleep.”

But the strong smell of alcohol, and the sound of mumbling greeted them upon entering, and Thor groaned. “Nope! Still pity-drunk.”

“Still?” Brunnhilde asked. “Like constantly? Since last night? He hasn’t slept at all? I’m impressed.”

Thor shot her a look; she just shrugged.

Loki was sitting at Thors big oak desk, several empty bottles lined up on one side, several full bottles lined up on the other. In between, Loki leaned, holding his finger out to a tiny illusion of you, who danced around on the desk and hugged his fingertip.

“Don’t worry!” The little image chirped, it’s voice slightly garbled. “It’s just a misunderstanding! I’ll come back!”

“Um, Brother?” Thor said quietly. The tiny image wavered, fuzzed at the edges, and disappeared.

“Wait!” Loki called. “Don’t go! Aww.”

“Loki. How are you feeling?”

Loki threw himself dramatically onto the desk, jostling the bottles.

“Oh, I’m a wretched creature, Thor!” He exclaimed. “Wretched, wretched! Utterly wretched!”

“So you’re feeling wretched, then?” Brunnhilde suggested.

He jerked his head up and stared at her suspiciously. “Who told you? It doesn’t matter. It’s true, it’s true! What prince? What god? I am a wretch!”

“Sad sack is what you are. Is he always like this when he’s drunk?”

“He doesn’t usually get drunk.”

“Well he’s not going to impress her with this kind of display.”

“Herrrr…” Loki purred. “I would have held her little face in my hands.” He cupped his hands together in demonstration. “I would have fastened the cloak of office around her shoulders. I can’t touch her anymore! It’s bad.”

“Well, you're supposed to ask first, if you want to step outside of the polite touching.” Brunnhilde pointed out. “You were starting to get a bit overbearing.”

Loki jumped up off of the desk. “You're right!” He exclaimed, and rushed for the door.

Thor hooked him with one arm and tumbled him onto a sofa. “Not like this, you don't. You stay in here until you've calmed down a bit.”

“I can't go anyway.” Loki pouted. “_____ hates me. She's scared of me. She punched me really hard!”

“Yeah.” Brunnhilde chortled. “That was pretty great.”

Thor shot her another look. She shrugged again. “What do you want from me?”

“Magic.” Loki said. “She can strike with magic. She's so great. My amazing protege. My...my...aww, she hates me though. Who will teach her?”

“You will, ya big goof. She doesn't hate you. She was very relieved to hear that she was wrong. It wasn't something that one would want to be right about.”

“Really?” Loki whispered, looking up pleadingly from where he lay, sprawled on the couch. He looked remarkably soft and vulnerable like this, Brunnhilde thought, and it was a good look for him.

“Yeah. She said she might be willing to come back to her room eventually, but she doesn't feel right about it just yet, so you'll have to wait. You can remodel in the meantime, maybe put a rug or a plant in there or something. Anything to make it look less empty and...temporary? I think making it look like a more permanent home will help her mindset. If you're serious about appointing her seidkona, and it isn't just another prank, then you have to be serious about making this place a home for her as well.”

“You're riggght.” Loki slurred. “You're right, I have been remiss. How could I miss so many details? I guess...I just wanted things to go right so badly, that I only saw what I wanted to, not what really was. I can fix the room. I can make it wonderful! Does...will she really come back?”

“I think so. But you'd better not be like this when she does. You really need a bath.”

“A bath?” Loki said, aghast. “I can't take a bath! The bath is cursed! I can never bathe again!”

Brunnhilde yanked him off the couch and shoved him towards the bathroom.  “Get in there, and don't come out 'till you're sober.”

                                                                                *****

“Can you do it though?” Loki asked. “I need only a single audience with the man, and it is for his daughter's sake. Surely he would be willing to speak to me just once, even if it is just to call me kidnapping bastard.”

“You joke, but a lot of people still think that's what you are.” Steve said.

“They aren't entirely incorrect, it's just that there were extenuating circumstances-”

“Yeah, yeah. Magical medical abnormalities. Whatever. I can try to get in touch with the guy, but he might be busy. He's a trucker; his schedule isn't predictable.”

“What is a trucker?” Loki asked.

“You serious? Huh, what would they call them on Asgard? You ever seen one of those big semi-trucks? Eighteen-wheelers? No? One of these?”

He brought up a picture, and Loki brightened with recognition. “Oh! Yes, of course. Those bring our building supplies to the nearest settlement, and we use the bifrost to bring them here. He is a caravan driver. Respectable profession; I wonder why she was so poor.”

“Eh, it doesn't pay much, but it's usually steady work. Everybody needs supplies delivered. You telling me there's no road connecting New Asgard to the next city?”

“Not yet. Why would there be? This area was wilderness before we settled here. We would not have taken occupied land. There will be a road, someday, but it isn't a priority right now.”

“But talking to this woman's father in order to make her room more homey is?”

“Yes.”

“I like hearing that kind of talk from you. I'll try to get him. I can't guarantee anything past that.”

“Neither can I.”

                                                                                 *****

“-And your pencils, and notepad, your knife, and your hygiene set.” Saldis said. “I couldn't carry any more by myself, but I don't mind making multiple trips. Do you want your pillow and blanket? Your books?”

“Um,” You said, fastening your knife on your belt. “I'm fine with the pillows and stuff here. But the books...No. Thank you, but not the books. I think I'm going to spend the rest of the day with the Valkyries.”

“I'm sure that will be educational. Is there anything else you would like, my Seidkona?”

“Yes, actually.” You took your pencil and notebook. “I'd really like for you to explain to me what that word means.”

Saldis looked very confused. “You don't know?”

“I don't know that many Asgardian words yet. I need a dictionary or something, but those don't exist yet, do they?”

“I don't think so. But, well, a Seidkona is basically a woman who performs magic. That's the literal translation, at least. But they're more than just that. They are specially appointed women who work for nobles or important businesses, or they can be attached to the military as well.”

“So it's a job?”

“And a title, yes. Not every lady mage gets to be a Seidkona, it's a special title that can only be appointed by the Crown. A Seidkona supports the people she is appointed to with magic and advice, and is usually very close to them. She is favored.”

“I...really don't understand. I can barely do magic at all. And I'm not Asgardian; why should I be given an Asgardian job? Who am I appointed to? Loki? He's already a wizard, he doesn't need me! When did this happen? I wasn't told.”

“Then I am confused too.” Saldis said. “This news has flown like a bird. Everyone knows. Unless this is some baseless, popular rumor, I can't imagine why you would not have been informed.”

“Well, I have been pretty isolated lately.” You suggested. “That's why I want to hang out with the new Valkyries. Meet some new people, you know? Since there aren't that many people here I even can talk to. I've really got to do something about that.”

“I think, among the new Valkyries, that Borgljot can speak some English. I' am not familiar with the others, though. None of them strike me as unfriendly, but some might be disapproving of you. If anyone causes you trouble, do not hesitate to report it. As far as anyone knows, you are seidkona, and deserving of respect. Disrespect towards you is disrespect to your appointed, and since your appointed is the Crown Prince, that would be a very bad move on their part. Do not accept it. Although, if any of the Valkyries trouble you, I wouldn't pick a fight. Just tell the General, she won't stand for it.”

“Do you think any of them will?”

“Probably not. The Valkyries  may be an elite group, but they come from all backgrounds. It's possible that there might be a human Valkyrie someday. And since Thor Allfather prefers to protect this whole realm, they will no doubt ride out to protect humans as well.”

“Is it true their horses fly?” The book had said so, but the book had been wrong. Well, wrong enough.

“Yes! On ivory wings. But there's only one right now, so the stablefolk are trying to cross her with other horses, in hopes for a new line. It's probably going to take a while. But maybe if you ask him, His Highness will take you to see her?”

“Oh, Eh,” You fidgeted with your pencils. “Maybe in a while? Well, I should probably go to the training area. Maybe I can learn something by watching. But thank you so much for doing all this for me. I know I'm being difficult.”

Saldis laughed. “Try working for the royal family for five minutes.”

                                                                                  *****

You lunged forward, ferociously jamming your knife  as deeply as you could into your foes face, toppling it over into a lifeless heap.

“Ah. That is good, in its way.” The Valkyrie Borgljot set the straw dummy back up and retrieved your knife. “Fierce. Swift. Personal. But perhaps not the best technique for thee. The head makes for a tempting target, if thou can reach it. But thou'rt small, and many opponents would not present thee an easy strike. For one so little, there are more-oh, the word, what is it-ah, strategic targets.

Depending on how thy enemy is outfitted, thou might prefer to strike upward, under the ribs.” she demonstrated. “This knife hast the length to reach the heart or lungs. But if a breastplate is involved, this shan't work. In this event, 'tis best to aim under the arm, as so.” She showed you. “This is a vulnerable area, but few think on it.”

“How often do you think I'll end up in combat?” You asked, taking your knife back.

“One may hope not often, but one cannot know. Thou shouldst be learning magic to protect thyself, but if ever thou finds thyself in such a situation that thou cannot, then this is a good fallback. Of course, shouldst thou truly wish it, thou might always slash here-” She pointed to behind the dummy's knees. “And cut the tendons therin. This renders the leg all but useless, and brings them down to you. Then they may present their heads to thy blade!”

“How is she faring?” Brunnhilde called, approaching across the field.

“Okay-ish? I think?” You said.

“She is very game, General. Straight for the kill, no hesitating. Very like she hast done it before, though she claims not.”

Brunnhilde looked at you questioningly. You just shrugged, but felt almost certain she could see the guilt in it.

“Her body requires strengthening, however.” Borgljot continued. “I know not the mortal standard. Her spirit hath strength, but her body lacks.”

“She's been sick for a long time.” Brunnhilde explained.

“Yeah. I'm just now getting better. That's why I was brought here in the first place.”

“I hast a brother among the Einherjar. He tells me thou hast a mark on thy hand? A magic mark? Might I see it?”

“I guess so?” You extended your left hand, palm up. Borgljot very carefully cupped it in her own large hand, as if worried she might damage you. She might just; her hands were rough and callused from many years of holding a sword.

“I was the guardian of a prosperous business, before my true nature was revealed.” She had told you earlier. “They were saddened to see me go, but justly proud to claim they hadst me at all.”

The Valkyries were a unique type of Aesir, all possessing very similar qualities. They had heightened battle capabilities, and many-though apparently not all-could see and communicate with the recently slain, to some degree. There were an unpredictable amount of them born every generation, though this entire, most recent generation had been all but skipped, due to the terrible tragedy that left Brunnhilde as the last survivor of the previous group.

Only a Valkyrie could recognize another Valkyrie, and with the loss of all the others, and Brunnhilde's absence, the ability to find and train more had been lost. Now that she was here, she was finding Valkyries of all ages, even young children. They gathered around to observe the mark with Borgljot, chatting among themselves. One of the young ones asked something in Asgardian, but all you could make out was 'are you', and 'Loki'.

Brunnhilde snickered.

“I didn't quite catch that.” You admitted.

“She asked if you were going to marry Loki, since Odin married his own Seidkona.”

“Uh...” Warmth blossomed across your face. “Too soon. Um, can you tell her I've got to learn how to be a Seidkona first, before I can begin to think about marrying anyone?” The kid didn't need to know about the problems between you and Loki. And you'd just gotten a tidbit of information about Loki's parents, that hadn't been mentioned in that treacherous book.

Brunnhilde obliged, and the girl looked satisfied with your explanation.

“What brought this mark about?” Borgljot asked.

“That's one of the great mysteries of my life.” You replied. “I don't know what caused it, but I know some of the nasty effects it can have on me.”

“Is it a curse?”

“I'm told it isn't, but sometimes it sure feels like it. Otherwise, it's just a complete mystery. I don't know anymore about it, except that it apparently can't be removed by any means.”

“And that's all anyone knows.” Brunnhilde said. “So how about, instead of looking for answers that aren't there, you all get back to work?”

With a chorus of “Yes, General”, the Valkyries all went back to their training.

“You've been out here most of the day.” She said. “You want to wash up and find something to eat? My bath has a lock on the door.”

“Best bribe I've heard all day.”

                                                                               *****

Brunnhilde's bath was an actual above-ground tub, which you soaked in, grateful for the soothing warmth on your sore muscles. You hadn't done much physical activity for the past few months; you were definitely out of shape.

Magic moves easier through a fit body, does it? Well, you could certainly use the exercise.  You had to think of it as a suggestion, not as suggestive. You had to go back and rethink all those interactions with him, re-contextualize them, without all the fear and suspicion.

He hadn't asked all the questions that he had needed to, but you hadn't provided answers either. All the things he had done, aside from the flights of temper, had all been for your sake. Looking back, he had really tried. He knew nothing about you, probably nothing about your culture, but he had tried for you. When was the last time someone had gone so out of their way?

The last time had been during the Event, when your benefactor had turned out to be a madman, bent on replacing his losses with you.

That was the real poison. That was what curled inside you and sprouted into paranoia; a past that you alone remembered.  But Loki had nothing to do with it. You had to end its influence over you. If you wanted any real future, you had to overturn that false past.

So what did you really want from the future? For the past few years, you hadn't been able to bring yourself to think of that at all. After the Event, your mind had remained clouded by the habits of survival, living day to day, unable to conceive of future plans.

But it was over now. It was over and done with, and it would never be again. It was safe now, to think about tomorrow, the next week, five years from now. You would be here. Here would be here.

Maybe what you had needed was to be brought away from your old, familiar surroundings. The place where all the bad things had happened. When you looked out your window now, you didn't see vast expanses of dead fields. You saw plants and landscapes unlike anything back home. You saw a sun that acted strange, and people who dressed outlandishly, strangers all.

They didn't know you as a poor, sad, insane baker. They knew you as a seidkona.

Why shouldn't you become that?

[dream-beyond-the-fantasy]

Teaser #2 for “Is This Love?” (aka The Jimmy Fic)

Okay, loves.  Since you asked for or implied that you wanted more, here you go.  Now, you are getting pages 2-4, which finishes out Julie and Bobby’s conversation.  Sorry, still no Jimmy, or any other character, to be honest.  All comments, feedback, and questions are welcome and encouraged.  For a refresher on the first page, go here.  Or I can leave you with the last line:

Julie sighs, shaking her head.  “Yeah, I do,” she solemnly confirms.  “Hold on.  Why did Johnny give you my number?”

Julie overhears an awkward cough on the other line.  “Well, I’ve been recruited to try and convince you to come home for Thanksgiving.”

She takes a sharp breath before letting out a definitive “No.”

“What, why?  It’s been months since Johnny has seen you.  Your brother misses you and is dying to see you.  And he’s not the only one.  Becca misses her best friend.”

Julie feels the guilt squeezing at her heart at Bobby’s words.  She walks over to the window, staring out at College Ave.  “I miss him, too.  God, I’d love to see Becca.  But I’m still not coming home.  I’m going to stay on campus during the holiday break.  I don’t want to come home.  And I certainly don’t want want to see Sid.”

“I don’t understand why you won’t come home.  Johnny told me that you used to talk on the phone once or twice a week since you went to college and then, nothing for the last few weeks.  Who says you even have to see or speak to Sid?  Johnny wants you stay with him at his place.  He’s having a few of us over the day before, nothing big.  And he wants you there, too.  Or you and Johnny could spend Thanksgiving with my family.”

Julie turns away from the window and slides down the wall into a sitting position.  She covers her eyes, trying to will away the tears that threaten to fall.  “I don’t want to see him or anyone right now, okay?”  She starts to sob.

There is a brief silence on Bobby’s end.  “Julie...Jules, are you crying?” he asks.  “What happened?  What’s wrong?”

Julie sniffles and tries to wipe away the tears, but they just keep falling.  “Nothing’s wrong.  I’m fine,” she insists.

“Jules, nobody who could see or hear you right now would believe that.”  He’s right.  She can’t even convince herself of the lie.  “Something happened and you don’t want your brother to know about it.”  Julie’s heart skips a beat and somehow Bobby picks up on it.  “That’s it, isn’t it?  Did something happen at the university?”

Julie’s sobbing intensifies.

“Julie, what’s going on?  What happened?  Talk to me, please.”

“Bobby, please, just drop it!” she pleads.  “Why can’t you just leave it alone?  I don’t want to talk about it!”

“Julie, whatever is going on, it sounds like you need to talk about it.  You don’t want to talk to Johnny about it?  Fine.”  She begins to feel a bit of relief, until Bobby adds, “You don’t have to tell him, yet.  But I’m not hanging up this phone until you tell me what happened and until I know that you are okay.”

Julie lets out a shaky breath.  “Fine, I’ll tell you,” she grumbles halfheartedly.  “I-I-I’m…” she stutters.  She stops and takes a few deep breaths to calm her nerves.  “I’m, I’m pregnant,” she whimpers.

There is a seemingly never-ending silence.  “Bobby...Bobby, are you still there?” asked Julie, tentatively.

“Y-yeah, I’m still here.  Pr-preg…y-you’re pregnant?” Bobby chokes out.

“Uh-huh,” Julie confirms, nervously biting her lip.  She hears Bobby sigh heavily.

“God, no wonder you’re avoiding going home.  And Johnny.”  He questions her, “Does, does anyone else know?  Am I the first person you’ve told?”

Julie takes a few minutes to respond.  “Well, my roommate knows.  She figured it out before the thought even occurred to me.  Mel made me go to University Health Services and get tested.  She stayed with me the entire time and I honestly don’t know what I would have done without her.  I was so shocked by the news that I don’t even remember how I got back to our dorm.”

“Oh, Jules...I’m sorry that you’re going through this.  Once you found out, what did you do?  Are you taking care of yourself?”

Julie pulls her knees to her chest, leaning her chin on them.  She bites her lip and exhales, hoping that the guilt she is feeling doesn’t come across so easily in her voice.  “If you’re asking if I’m taking prenatal vitamins, then the answer is yes.  But...if I’m going to be honest with you, I haven’t made anymore follow-up appointments at the clinic.  And um, I’ve been burying myself in schoolwork to avoid meeting with social workers and counselors.”

“Damn it, Julie,” Bobby groans.  Julie’s eyes start to well up with tears at the disappointment in his voice.  “I get that you are scared.  But you have to take care of yourself, no matter what you decide to do about the pregnancy.  And you will have to decide.  You need to talk to Johnny.”

At the mention of her brother, Julie’s blood runs cold.

“Y-y-you’re not going to tell him are you?” she panics.  “Please, you can’t!”

“Hey, hey, Julie, calm down.  Johnny won’t hear about this from me,” Bobby soothes her.  “If anyone tells him, it should be you.  You should also let the father know --”

Bobby abruptly stops speaking.  He clears his throat awkwardly.  “Shit.  D-did anyone hu...were you…”  Bobby sighs and starts again, “Julie, I hate to ask, but you need to tell me.  Were you raped?”

“O-oh, um, no,” she stuttered, startled by the suggestion.

“You’re sure?  You remember having sex?  Did you actually agree to it?  Was there drinking or drugs involved?”

Julie, embarrassed and uncomfortable with this line of questioning, scrunches down even further on the floor.  “Bobby!  Please, stop!  This is getting personal.  There wasn’t any drinking or drugs at all.  He wouldn’t do that to me.  It was consensual, I promise.  Don’t ask me who the father is, please.  I can’t say.  At least, not yet...and not until after I tell Johnny.”

“So, does this mean that you’re coming home?” he gently presses her.

Julie can hear the hope in his voice.  She rolls her eyes.  “Yes, I’ll come,” she reassures him, with a bit of exasperation in her voice.  “But on one condition -- that it be a surprise for Johnny.”

“Good.  He’ll be thrilled to see you.  Do you want me to drive to Berkeley and pick you up?”

Julie lets out a little laugh.  “Why, are you afraid I’ll change my mind again?  But, yeah, I would like that.  If you don’t mind, that is.  I mean, it’s a five, six hour drive.”

“Jules, it’s fine.  For you, I’ll do it,” Bobby assures her.

“Thank you.  Hey, I don’t mean to cut this short.  But I really should swing by one of the dining commons before it gets any later.”

“Yeah, you should eat something.  Something healthy,” he intimates.

“Wow, really?  Could you be more obvious?  Don’t you have a sister of your own to annoy? ” she laughs, feeling better already.

“Well, someone has to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself and eating right.  And since Johnny doesn’t know yet, I guess that falls to me. Becca isn’t in need of any ‘big brother-ing’ at the moment.  Actually if I remember correctly, it was either me or your mom that would make you eat healthy foods.  Johnny would let you have whatever you wanted whenever you wanted.  Look, I’ll call you tomorrow to find out when and where I need to meet you on campus.”

[monsterenergybutmakeitgay]

A love letter

When I was younger, I thought love was nothing more than a chemical reaction; your brain releasing hormones when you see someone based solely on your opinion of the person in question. Love, to me, was nothing more than biochemical warfare, designed to break your heart and tear you to shreds simply for that temporary fix of euphoria. I thought love was fleeting, never meant to last, something made for fairytales to give children hope for the future. I thought I knew love, I thought I understood what it was, I thought I’d felt it and I’d decided love just wasn’t for me, thank you so very much.

Until I met you.

Meeting you was the best thing that ever happened to me; a wake up call. Meeting you changed my heart, my entire life. God, meeting you turned my life into something I never thought it could become, and I finally understood. Every love song, every love story, every poem, everything I finally started to understand what “love” actually is. 

When the Big Bang happened, and that one singularity exploded into the beautiful, chaotic mess we call our universe, our atoms were separated, torn apart from each other. We were separated in a tragic explosion of energy and light and all that is wonderful in this existence, and for every second they were apart, they’ve been fighting against all odds to find each other again. You and I have been planets, stars, nothing and everything, ever wandering back to each other, fighting for a breathe of fresh air in every life we have ever lived, striving towards that moment of relief you can only find in the arms of your one true love. And eventually, after millennia of fighting against all that makes sense, our atoms finally found each other in this life, our souls finally reconnected after being torn apart so gracelessly. 

Finding you made the world feel okay again. Finding you made time start flowing, the world start spinning, my heart start beating. Finally, after these long eighteen years of fighting back all this pain and anguish I’ve been through, I’ve finally found that relief I craved oh so deeply. 

My heart and soul and spirit have been destroyed, bearing the weight of the world alone for so many years, being torn down every time I found my footing and started to get a grip on my reality. Every time things started to get better, the world was pulled out from under my feet and I started to fall into hell alone, dreading the climb back out of the depths of tartarus, fearing that maybe this time I won't be strong enough, maybe this is the time where I fail, where I simply give up. But this time, when the world was stripped away and I began my descent into madness, you grabbed my hand and pulled me back from the edge. When I started to fall, you were there to catch me, when everything was falling apart and I was grasping for something to keep me grounded, you wrapped me in your love and you held all of my pieces together until I had the strength to hold them myself. 

Meeting you, my love, made me realise that you were the thing I’ve been missing my whole life. You made me realise that love isn't violent, nor destructive, but gentle and caring and knows no bounds. Love is patient, its willing to wait forever and then some, and it never waivers. Love is omnipresent throughout everything you do, because everything reminds you of your one true love and therefore everything is beautiful. Finding love is like drowning for years, and then finally the waves recede and the waters calm and you can breathe that one breath you’ve been grasping for since the dawn of time and finally, finally, you can see the sunrise and bask in its glory, you can feel the sun on your skin and the heat soothes your soul in a way you never thought possible, and your just floating on those gentle waters while the whole world falls into place around you.

Love changes how you see the world, and you look outside and see the beauty in everything around you. You see the beauty in the flowers you walk past and you see the glory in the skies above you and you appreciate the fact that you are here, and you are in love. 

I feel the passage of time and it no longer scares me, because every second that passes means I’m a second closer to finally holding you in my arms, finally feeling you against me and seeing your smile in person. Every minute, every day that ticks away brings me closer to seeing you, and then every second will be a second I get to spend in your presence and what more could I ask for? 

Now that I’ve met you, I know that love makes you feel whole. Love makes you feel completed, not because you need another person or a “better half”, but because without love you never knew how full your heart could be, and now that you know true love you couldn't imagine not feeling this whole and complete.

Loving you is the easiest thing I’ve ever done, it’s easier than breathing, and although relationships are hard and god do I know that we will have our troubles, I know that we’ll always make it through any problem we ever face, because my heart is yours and your heart is mine and I love you with every fibre of my being. I know that we will last because I know that I would do anything for you, love, and I know that our love transcends all that we can possibly comprehend. We will make it because you are the only choice I ever want to make, you are the only option that I will ever see because nothing else matters compared to you. You are the only love I ever want to know, the only story I ever want to live in, the only person I want to be here for the rest of my life and every life I’ll ever live. 

I have loved you since before the birth of the universe, and when this universe finally collapses back into itself and the cycle starts again, my atoms will still yearn for you, still love you with every ounce of energy they have, and in that next universe I’ll find you again and again, because that is what love is. 

Before you, I didn’t get why people wrote so many love stories. I assumed it was because nobody really felt love as perfect and pure as the type of love we weave into those books and bind in those pages. But now I know why people write love stories, why in those love stories there is always a page that declares who that story is dedicated to. I know that people weave the twenty six letters of our alphabet into hundreds of sentences and stories and chapters full of love with the hope that, maybe one day they'll be able to find the perfect way to depict the unadulterated love they feel. And they never do, but they keep writing anyway because they need their lover to understand just how hard they've fallen, just how much love they hold in their fragile heart that belongs to them and them alone. They etch these words into oh so many pages as a requiem for the love they feel when their lover is too far away to give it to in person. 

I’ve never been the best with words, I try my best to piece them together and shuffle them into place, but the words usually fall out of my mouth with no parachutes and shatter into meaninglessness when they hit the floor, but if there is one sentence I want to put all of my heart and soul behind, it would be this; 

Darling, I am so inexplicably, irretrievably, unconditionally in love with you, my heart has been yours since before the dawn of time, and I am truly the luckiest man alive to be given the chance at a life with you. Thank you for coming into my life and showing me the beauty that is our world, and thank you for letting me love you with all that I have.

Yours and yours alone,

-Grayson

[the-angry-pixie]

25 and 33 plz ♡

Oh yay! Thank you Nonny!

25. Worst thing that has ever happened to you?

Oh wow. Ok this going to get very personal. So just warning y’all. Its also a bit long so I will save all y’alls dashes by putting it under a cut.

Im pretty sure it would be the day I had my 2nd panic attack. Lets set the scene a little bit. I am freshly graduated from university. I am working my first job as a social worker in the emergency ward one of the biggest hospitals in my country. I am THE homeless social worker for the emergency and psych emergency departments (as in I am the only one in my role, nobody else to help or guide me). I am at this point un-diagnosed for my generalised anxiety disorder. I am struggling, but have no way of really understanding just how much I am struggling under the pressure of this job. I have colleagues, fellow social workers from other wards, but I am afraid to go to them because I dont want to appear incompetent. I don’t talk to my family or friends about it either because I can’t even explain to myself why I feel so “scared” all the time. I thought the stress and fear was normal. This is my first adult job after all. I should be able to handle it. I stop eating. I stop sleeping. I fear going to work. I develop a phobia of my “hip phone” (the phone i wore clipped to my hip at all times) ringing because that means I have a patient and “oh god what if I can’t help them” - which was often the case because homeless social work is tricky and I just can’t magic up houses for people to live in unfortunately.

Part of working in a large hospital means there is plenty of opportunities for workers to attend seminars and presentations that are relevant to them. I hear about one for palliative care (care for the terminally ill and their families)  and decided to go. I didn’t really need to go I just wanted to escape the emergency dept for awhile. And I remember sitting in that talk, listening to what was being said, and the overwhelming thought in my head wasn’t “this is so sad”…. but “that sounds soooo nice”. 

Like I was just sitting there thinking to myself “god I wish I was terminally ill”. Because to me at that point, it just sounded so appealing. To just lie in a bed, have nurses taking care of me, to not have to worry, to not have to make any decisions, and to have my family all around me throwing love and care at me. It sounded great! I actually started day dreaming on ways I could make it happen. Like maybe when I got a chance I could check my breasts and if I was lucky I would find a lump. Or like maybe I could walk into traffic and get hit by a bus. Then they would HAVE to admit me to hospital and i just… wouldn’t have to think.

And then suddenly I came back to myself. And I realised that I was actually fantasizing about hurting myself. And just how FUCKED UP that was. I powerwalked out of the room in the middle of the seminar and went back to my office and proceeded to cry and have a panic attack because WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME?!? And… after that, I knew I had to do something. That something was desperately wrong. And so I went to the psychologist provided for the workers of the hospital. I also went to the doctor and got prescribed an anti-anxiety med. Thus starting my journey towards my diagnosis and understanding myself a lot more. 

But yeah. That was the worst time of my life.

33. Best day of your life?

Hmmm. This is hard. Nothing really jumps out at me. I have had many good experiences in my life. But nothing that is leagues ahead of the rest. 

I will give you two that I can think of just off the top of my head. The birth of my youngest nephew. His birth stands out from my other nephews and nieces births because I was very involved in my sisters pregnancy (her first one and the first one I was really adult enough to understand and care what was going on). I was working as a Family Social Worker at the time and so was ALL ABOUT pregnancies and children. So it was beautiful to see this little being, who I had spent 9 months loving and encouraging and wondering about, suddenly come to life.

And the second one I will give is the day I received my first gift from a client. I was working as an assistant in a Talent Agency and an actor on my roster who I greatly liked and respected had just landed a huge role. He sent flowers to my boss (his agent) but he sent an entire FRUIT BASKET to me and a beautiful card thanking me for all that I had helped him with. It was just a beautiful moment where I felt so acknowledged for all of the hard work I do. Working as an assistant your work is often overlooked and it was just… a really good moment for me.

I’m sorry this was really really long. But what can I say, I love talking about myself and I am a story-teller at heart.

Ask me more questions from the Personal Ask Meme

[reigningxo]

Forever Mine

Summary: You and Roman broke up 4 months and you’re seeing someone new. You unexpectedly bump into Roman and his date when you’re with yours as well. As soon as your date ends, Roman takes his chance and shows you who you have always belonged to. Based on the prompt: ‘’Ain’t nobody ever told you who your real daddy is?’’ Warnings: Pure smut omg, daddy kink, language (A/N) So you guys voted for this prompt to be written first so here it is! Grab something to drink and to eat, because this is hella long: 4,000+ words. I hope you guys like it. I’m sorry if it’s written really messy, this is the first time I’ve written in a long time. Forgive me if this is trash😩

——————–

“This is already the third time this week you’re going out with that Bryson,” Seth said as he sat on my bed.

“I’m fully aware of how many times I’m going out with him,” I chuckled back at him as I did my make-up. “He’s a really nice guy.”

“I never said he wasn’t, it’s just…” he paused and looked at me in the mirror, “never mind.”

“No tell me, what’s the matter?” I asked confused as I turned around to face him. Seth has always been honest with me so I always listened to what he got to say.

“Aren’t you moving a bit too fast? I mean, only four months have passed since Roman and you broke up.” He carefully spoke.

“I’m not moving ‘too fast’, I’m moving on with my life and I’m sure Roman too has moved on.”

“He’s still not over you,” he mumbled quietly, hoping I didn’t hear it. I decided to not have this discussion with him and try to focus on tonight. “So this Bryson dude, you really like him?”

“I do, he’s really sweet, he cares about me, makes me laugh,” I smiled as I wore my heels.

“Roman does too, remember that time the three of us were at the lake and he pushed me into the water just to make you laugh because you felt down? Or that time when sprained your ankle when you wore those ridiculous high heels and Roman carried you on his back the entire night? Also the time the two of you were all over each other, hugging and kissing each other, causing to ignore the shit out of me.” Seth reminded me.

“How can I forget?” I chuckled, thinking back. Roman and I were super close and we loved each other so much that when we broke up, everyone was in awe, even the two of us couldn’t get used to it at first. The reason we broke up was mainly because of me not being able to get used him being on the road so often. I tried my hardest to adjust and he saw how much I effort I was making, but eventually, he made the heartbreaking decision to end things. I didn’t agree, of course, but he said it was the best for us both. ‘’Look, how unfortunate it is, things just didn’t worked out between us.’’

‘’What if he wants you back? I’ll kick your ass if you’re staying with that Bryson kid.’’ Seth said frustrated.

‘’It’s not your decision to make, but thanks for letting me know what I can expect,’’ I sweetly smiled as I hugged him. ‘’Thanks for looking out for me, but I’m a big girl.’’

‘’Whatever you want y/n, I still think you and Roman should get back together,’’ He said. As he was about to speak, the doorbell rang. I jumped excitedly and grabbed my bag.

‘’You can let yourself out right? Love you Seth,’’ I kissed his check and ran downstairs.  

‘’You’re making a mistake girl!’’ He shouted, causing me to roll my eyes, ‘’Love you too.’’ Seth has always been like a brother to me and even during the time me and Roman split up, he never failed to be there for me when I needed someone.

‘’You look stunning,’’ Bryson smiled as I opened the door.

‘’Thank you,’’ I smiled. ‘’You don’t look as terrible as expected.’’ I joked. He laughed and took my hand in his.

‘’Bryson?’’ I heard Seth’s voice behind me. Oh lord, save me.

‘’Yeah that’s me, who’re you?’’ Bryson asked confused.

‘’My name’s Seth, nice to meet you. I’m y/n’s best friend. Oh and also the best friend of her ex,’’ Seth slyly smiled. I turned around and gave him a death glare.

‘’Oh well, it’s nice to meet you. Y/n told loads about you.’’ They shook each other’s hands, Seth smiling fake.

‘’Good things I hope.’’

‘’The most wonderful things, we gotta go now. Bye Seth.’’ I hastily said as I grabbed Bryson’s hand and rushed to his car. ‘’I’m sorry about that,’’ I sighed as we sat down. ‘’He can be an idiot sometimes.’’

‘’It’s fine baby, don’t worry.’’ Bryson smiled and placed his hand on my thigh. ‘’You ready to go?’’

‘’Totally.’’ I smiled back. He started the car and we drove off.

——————–

‘’Ever been here before?’’ Bryson asked as we parked the car. ‘’It opened a few months ago I think. Their food is absolutely delicious.’’

‘’Well, you made me pretty curious,’’ I smiled. He bend down and gently kissed me.

‘’Let’s eat till we can’t walk anymore.’’ Bryson laughed, making me laugh too. We crossed the road and entered the restaurant. The smell of fresh cooked tomato sauce filled my nose. ‘’We ordered a table for two,’’ he said to the waiter. I looked around while Bryson and the waiter figured things out.

‘’I can’t stop saying how beautiful you look,’’ a familiar deep voice said from behind me. My heart sank in my shoes. I slowly turned around, praying that it wasn’t who my mind immediately thought of. But as usual, the universe hates me. It was Roman with another girl, also on a date. I didn’t realize I was still looking at him until his eyes fell on mine, widened with surprise and disbelieve. If it was because of  me being with someone else or just being in shock by seeing me, I don’t know. I could punch myself in the face for not turning back right away, instead, I kept looking at how good he looked; his hair in a pulled back in a bun, his beard was trimmed,  he wore a grey suit with a white shirt.  I was speechless by the way he looked, not that he looked any different than before.

‘’Y/n, you ready?’’ Bryson asked. I quickly turned my head and nodded with a smile. I had no idea how to feel about this whole situation. Seeing Roman after four rough months filled with all kinds of emotions, left me with more feelings than I actually should have at the very moment. ‘’Babe?’’ He spoke again. Roman coughed roughly, indicating how irritated he was by how Bryson called me.

‘’Yeah I’m sorry, I was just thinking of something.’’

‘’It’s okay sweetheart, let’s sit down, we’re at table six.’’ He wrapped his arm around my waist as we started to walk to our table. I would normally never even think of turning around, but since the relationship me and Roman had was so intense and strong, I couldn’t just keep walking without a quick glance over my shoulder. He was standing there with the blonde girl at his side, looking overwhelmed.

‘’It’s an amazing place,’’ I distractedly said as I sat down, praying that Roman wouldn’t sit anywhere near us. I took the menu and my eyes scrolled over all the delicious food, getting hungry by just looking at the names. While being occupied with reading the menu, I felt people sitting at the table next to us.

‘’Have you decided yet?’’  

‘’Everything looks so nice, I can’t choose,’’ I laughed as I looked up. My eyes automatically wandered, finding Roman and his date sitting next to us. Lord why? My heart started to race, I felt myself getting hot; I was turning into a nervous wreck, scared that I might say something wrong or being too close with Bryson. I shouldn’t have these thoughts, especially when Roman was the one who ended things between us and moved on with his life as well.

‘’Are you okay?’’ Bryson asked.

‘’I’m fine,’’ I lied, biting my lip.

‘’Alright, I’ll take the steak with the salad.’’ He spoke as he put his menu down. ‘’What about you?’’

‘’I think I’m going for the spiced rice with vegetables.’’

‘’Sounds lovely,’’ he smiled and waved his hand at the waiter to tell her our orders. ‘’So, how have you been doing?’’

‘’I’ve been great. I took two weeks off though, I needed to help my friend with moving to his new place,’’ I said as I took a sip of my water.

‘’Is it Seth who’s moving?’’ Bryson asked. I could feel Roman’s eyes burning right through me, shifting in his seat lightly.

‘’Uhm yeah, it’s Seth who’s moving out,’’ I uncomfortably said. ‘’But how are you doing? How’s your job?’’ I quickly asked, trying to change the subject for both Roman and mine sake.

‘’Mine’s quite alright, just the usual. Had to explain why I was wearing a turtle neck to work the other day though,’’ He smirked, ‘’You left some marks on me which were quite visible that even your foundation couldn’t cover.’’ Bryson ran his hand through his hair as Roman almost chocked while drinking his water. ‘’I didn’t mind at all and if I could, I’d gladly show them, but when you work in an office, you gotta cover things like that up somehow.’’

‘’You’re right,’’ I smiled briefly, biting my tongue in the hope I would wake up from this nightmare. I carefully looked over to Roman, finding him frowning with his jaw clenched, obviously boiling with anger. His whole body tensed as Bryson intertwined our fingers and smiled. Roman couldn’t care less about the girl he was with, clearly not listening to her long dreaded stories she was enthusiastically sharing.

‘’I remember you having-,’’ he paused and got his phone out of his pocket, ‘’I gotta take this one, do you mind?’’ He asked. I shook my head, thanking god he couldn’t finish his sentence and smiled lightly. The waiter brought us the food right when Bryson answered the phone. I was happy because that meant I could focus on my dish instead of looking around awkwardly. It had been a long time since I’ve eaten this nice, praising the chef in my head while eating slowly. Suddenly, my phone vibrated. Thinking it must be Seth, I took my phone out of my purse. It was my turn to choke on my delicious food when I saw Roman’s name on my lock screen. He send me a text saying: ‘I wanna get underneath the table and make it hard for you to talk.’ I looked over to him and rolled my eyes. ‘’I’m sorry, it was my boss asking if I finished that project.’’

‘’It’s fine, don’t worry,’’ I said as I took another bite from my food.

‘’So back to our subject,’’ he smirked. Oh god no. I knew that if he would continue talking, Roman would defenitely say or do something to make him shut up and I’m not letting that happen.

‘’You know what, let’s talk about something else okay,’’ I suggested, sounding a little irritated. I looked at my phone again and Roman sent another text saying: ‘You look so ravishing baby, oh how I’ve missed seeing you like this.’ I ran my hand through my hair and decided to send him something back: ‘Stop it Roman.’ was all I typed before pressing send.

‘’You alright? It’s like you’re not really enjoying tonight.’’ Bryson concernedly spoke. ‘’If you wanna go, just tell me.’’

‘’No I’m fine,’’ I insisted, ‘’just have a lot on my mind, I’m sorry.’’

‘’Don’t be love, it’s all good,’’ he smiled. I could feel Roman looking at us from the corner of my eye, anger and frustration radiating off his body. This was going to be the most unpleasant dinner ever, I could tell.

——————–

‘’I wish they served bigger portions,’’ Bryson mocked as he wiped the corners of his mouth with the napkin. Throughout the dinner, Roman never stopped sending those text messages, he continued those looks and it drove me insane.  ‘’Anyways, I’m going to pay okay, be right back.’’ He smiled and walked to the cash register. I was getting myself ready to leave as I heard Roman’s date saying she had to use the restroom. Once she was gone, Roman shoved his chair so he was sitting next to me at the table.

‘’Who’s that,’’ he nodded Bryson’s way, clearly irritated. I rolled my eyes and sighed. ‘’What?’’

‘’Do you seriously expect me to tell you after not even try to contact me in those four months? Speaking of contact, why the hell did you sent me those texts?’’ I hissed.

‘’I think I have the right to know,’’ He spoke dangerously low. ‘’If I wouldn’t say anything, I’d be fooling myself.’’  He kept his eyes on mine. I was quiet for a moment until he broke the silence, ‘’Come with me to my place, let me explain everything.’’

‘’You honestly think I’m agreeing on that? Look, like I said, I haven’t seen or spoken to you in four months Roman. I can’t just ignore everything that happened.’’

‘’I’m not asking you to ignore anything,’’ he looked at Bryson who was still busy paying. I think it’s better to have this conversation at my place unless you want to be disturbed by that jerk.’’ He said annoyed. I sighed and threw my head back. ‘’Please y/n, I promise you, you won’t regret it.’’

‘’What am I supposed to say to him?’’

‘’We can also just leave,’’ his low voice spoke, making me shiver. He noticed and slightly smirked as he scooted his chair closer to me. He looked over his shoulder to see if Bryson was still busy. ‘’You coming with me?’’ he asked once again. I was gonna hate myself for the decision I was about to make. I closed my eyes briefly and nodded. I’m still weak when it comes to Roman. He sighed in relieve and stood up. ‘’Let’s go.’’

‘’I gotta tell Bryson first, I ain’t leaving like this.’’ I said as I stood up. Roman looked at me worriedly. ‘’I’ll be right back,’’ I reassured him. As I was about to walk over to Bryson, Roman grabbed my hand and made me turn around. ‘’What’s wrong?’’

‘’Nothing, it’s just…’’ He bit his lip and looked at me up and down, ‘’You look so luscious.’’

‘’I’ll be right back,’’ I lightly smiled and walked over to Bryson while wearing my coat. ‘’Hey, I just bumped into a friend of mine and we wanted to catch up, we haven’t seen each other in ages.’’

‘’Oh,’’ he looked a little disappointed, ‘’um alright I think.’’ He smiled and gave me a hug. ‘’Have fun. I hope you enjoyed dinner.’’

‘’Thank you and I did, thanks for everything.’’ I waved at him as he exited the place. I couldn’t help but feel guilty towards him. As I turned around Roman was standing right behind me. ‘’What about your beautiful date?’’ I asked.

‘’I left her some money and told her to do with it what she wanted. She seemed happier when I gave her the money than taking her out on a date.’’ He chuckled. I shook my head and grinned, walking outside with Roman following behind me. I made my way towards his car and waited for him to unlock the doors. ‘’Seems like you still remember,’’ he said as he sat down.

‘’Something such as your car makes quite a statement.’’ I said as I fastened my seatbelt. He chuckled.  I inhaled the familiar scent of his car; it still smelled new with a touch of peach. I looked around and saw he still had the car mat I gave him. Roman once spilled his drink while I was driving his car so I decided to buy another mat for him and he was so happy once he discovered it. I smiled at the memory and looked out of the window as he started to drive towards his house. What used to be a car filled with stories, laughter and sometimes even the harmonious sound between our bodies colliding together, was no longer the case; not one word was being exchanged between the two of us. We drove into his street and a weird feeling came up, nostalgia came close to describe it. As we entered his house, all the memories came up again.

‘’You okay?’’ He asked. I nodded and walked towards him into the living room. ‘’You want anything to drink?’’ I shook my head and sat down on his couch. I had so much mixed feelings right now. ‘’Thank you for coming,’’ he started as he sat next to me.

‘’You’re welcome.’’ I quietly said.

‘’I made a huge mistake,’’ He whispered, ‘’the moment I let you go.’’

‘’And it took you four months to realize?’’ I huffed as I stood up. ‘’I fought for us Roman, I wanted things to work out between us. I knew I had to adapt myself to your lifestyle and I tried my hardest.’’

‘’I know you did, I saw how much you tried and I appreciated it but do you think I liked seeing you having trouble with trying?’’

‘’You could’ve accepted the fact that I did my best? You ended it just like that,’’ I teared up. ‘’I wanted to try, Roman. I never understood why you couldn’t.’’

‘’There was a reason why I ended things, y/n. You think I liked seeing you like that? Bursting out in tears whenever I left? Feeling obligated to stay with me?’’ He stood up and walked towards me. ‘’I never wanted you feel that way, I care about you too much.’’

‘’Yeah sure, if you cared about me at all, you would’ve tried.’’ I turned around so I was facing him.

‘’You know what they say; you don’t know what you have until it’s gone and I’ve realized I need you.’’ He spoke.

‘’After everything I’ve been through, you actually have the nerve to say that now?’’ I asked stunned, ‘’Are you being serious right now or are you playing some kind of sick game because this isn’t the slightest bit funny.’’ My voice full with frustration and disbelieve. It was like I had no control over my body as my hand flew upwards to meet his face. He was quick in action and prevented my hand making contact with his cheek. His large hand wrapped round my wrist easily

‘’What do you think you’re doing?’’ he asked angrily. He stepped closer to me so there wasn’t any space left between our bodies, my wrist still in his tight grip.

‘’I-I’m sorry, that wasn’t my intention,’’ I stuttered, shocked by what I just tried to do. ‘’I should go now.’’

‘’You’re not going anywhere babygirl.’’ His pupils were blown, pure lust and fury in his eyes. Hearing him call me like that after months, made me get goosebumps.  ‘’When I saw you with that guy in the restaurant, something snapped,’’ He wrapped his arm around my tiny waist, his beard brushed against my cheek as he whispered, ‘’no one gets to touch you like that, only me.’’ His deep voice spoke. Without warning he picked me up and threw me over his shoulder as he carried me upstairs.

‘’Roman put me down,’’ I said, trying to sound convincing. He chuckled and smacked my ass. I squealed and dug my nails in his back. Once we entered his familiar bedroom, he threw me on the bed with so much force that I bounced in the middle. He started to loosen up his tie as he hovered above me.

‘’You think you could just try to hit me huh?’’ Roman growled as he grabbed both of my wrists and pinned them above my head. ‘’You were wrong babygirl, actions have consequences.’’

‘’Roman I don’t think we should be doing this,’’ I breathed heavily as he tied my hands to the bedframe with his black tie. He smirked as his hands roamed over my whole body. I betrayed myself by letting out a muffled moan. Who was I fooling? I wanted him as much as he wanted me.

‘’I can stop if you want me to,’’ he whispered as he started to pull back. I shook my head and bit my lip. ‘’Tell me what you want,’’ he demanded, his lips touching mine lightly. I didn’t know what to think, say or do that moment. I missed everything about him; his smell, the way his body felt, his touch. I was completely overwhelmed by everything that was happening but you didn’t hear me complaining. ‘’I still haven’t heard anything yet.’’ He unbuttoned his shirt, throwing it across the room, leaving him shirtless.  

‘’Please Roman, I need you,’’ I admitted as I looked him in the eye. The words sounded familiar leaving my lips. Suddenly, I remembered something, something he always enjoyed hearing me say, his weakness. ‘’Please daddy,’’ I whispered. His eyes widened and I could tell his whole body language changed from need to lust. A low growl left his chest as he tore the dress off my body. I was about to complain about ruining my favorite gown, but when he looked me in the eye, I forgot about everything.

‘’Look at you,’’ he licked his lips and got rid of his pants, ‘’all merciful for me.’’ He bent down and unclasped my bra. ‘’Lay back baby, let daddy take care of you.’’

‘’Oh fuck,’’ I moaned as his lips closed around my right nipple, sucking slowly while looking at me. I threw my head back in pleasure, enjoying the way his touch felt against my heated body. His large hands lazily trailed to the waistband of my lace panties, slipping his hand inside. My body tingled as my sensitive bundle of nerves was being touched after so long.

‘’You’re already dripping babygirl, you missed daddy that much, didn’t you?’’ Roman murmured. I nodded, not being able to talk. His tongue left a wet trail from my collarbone to my ear, biting on my earlobe as he pushed his digits inside of me agonizingly slow. I gasped in pleasure as I felt my walls being stretched. Since we broke up, I haven’t been with anyone else. I haven’t craved anyone else their touch but his’.

‘’Fuck baby you’re so tight,’’ he groaned as he looked down. My back arched off the queen sized bed, breathing heavily. He pumped his fingers in and out of me slowly while biting down on my neck. ‘’You love riding daddy’s fingers, don’t you babygirl? You love it when I tell you not to cum, when I whisper dirty things in your ear that turn you on and only make you wetter,’’ his deep, rough voice whispered against my skin. ‘’Tell me, who does this pussy belong to?’’

‘’Y-you daddy,’’ I whimpered. He slowly added a third finger, making me scream in pleasure. I tried to wiggle my hands free from the knot he made so I could do something. I had no idea what, maybe grab his hair or the sheets, something. Once he felt my walls clench around his fingers, he stopped and gently pulled his fingers out of me, leaving me breathless. The heat in my lower abdomen got stronger as he licked his fingers and hummed in approval.

‘’Not yet baby,’’ was all he said as he got rid of my panties and spread my legs. He dove in between my thighs, kissing my drenched pussy like he was kissing me. My head fell back and my eyes closed, letting my other senses take over. His tongue circled my clit slowly before sucking on it gently, inserting his tongue in me right after. I could feel my climax already starting to form, he never had to do much to make me cum, his voice alone was enough.

‘’Roman I’m…so…fuck,’’ I moaned, not able to make a proper sentence. The pleasure he was giving me made me feel intoxicated. He hummed against me causing my hips to rise. He placed his strong arm around my waist, holding me down. ‘’I’m gonna cum,’’ I breathed heavily.

‘’Good girls ask for permission.’’ He said as he added his fingers back inside of me. I couldn’t postpone my orgasm longer so I had no choice.

‘’Can I cum please,’’ I whimpered, ‘’please daddy?’’

‘’Cum for daddy,’’ he smirked and delved his tongue further in my entrance, making me see stats. I haven’t felt this good in a long time. He licked his lips as he crawled back up to kiss me. I groaned when I tasted myself as his tongue slipped in my mouth. We kissed for a good five minutes or so, all the anger, sadness and frustration seemed to have disappeared. I was stalking for myself; Roman, at the other hand, was still frustrated and I could tell by his whole body language. Besides, I know him too well.

As he pulled back, we were both breathing heavily while looking at each other. He climbed off his bed, pulling his pants down along with his boxers. My mouth watered as my eyes fell from his eyes to his dick. ‘’You missed daddy’s dick?’’ He purred as he started to stroke himself while walking to the side of the bed. I nodded and wiggled my hips. He chuckled and climbed back on the bed again, knees next to my body so his dick almost touching my lips. ‘’Suck it,’’ he demanded. I stuck my tongue out and licked the tip, making his head fall back. One hand found his way in my hair as the other started to rub my pussy again. ‘’Ah fuck babygirl, I missed that little mouth of yours,’’ he grunted as I moaned. I could hardly focus as he slowly rubbed my pussy. My mouth closed over his dick, sucking slowly, each time taking more of him. I looked up at him; his eyes shut in pleasure, his whole body tensed. I could feel his dick throb so I knew he was close to cum. He hissed and yanked my hair back, bending down to kiss me. ‘’You want me inside of you?’’  

I nodded, watching him walk to the end of his bed, his eyes never leaving mine. I felt so vulnerable but safe at the same time. He positioned himself between my legs, rubbing his dick up and down against my wet slit. He pushed  himself inside of me slowly. I gasped at how big he felt; like he was doing me for the very first time. ‘’Jesus y/n you’re fucking tight,’’

‘’Oh fuck,’’ I whispered. He kept his slow pace going for a while, letting me adjust to his size. After he felt like I was stretched enough, he lifted my leg onto his shoulder and started to vigorously thrust, literally taking my breath away. My head started to spin, my body tingled and I knew I wasn’t going to last long. Neither was Roman.

‘’Ain’t nobody ever told you who your real daddy is?’’ he growled, ‘’You’re mine and I ain’t letting you go anymore,’’

I moaned at the heartwarming yet extremely hot statement he made. This man is just too amazing for words and I’ve missed him. So much. ‘’I’m so close,’’ I moaned. He lightly smiled and started to rub my clit in fast motions. ‘’Oohh myy goddd.’’ My voice grew louder, my insides started to clench around him, the heat in my lower abdomen was starting to build; signing that I was close to another orgasm. Roman noticed and I could tell he was also on the verge by the way his thrusts became sloppy and slow, his breathing became heavier. His dick started to throb inside of me, pushing against my walls which created this incredibly pleasurable feeling.

‘’Cum for daddy babygirl,’’ he moaned.

‘’Romann,’’ I cried out his name as my orgasm shattered throughout my entire body. Roman followed shortly after; his dick twitching inside of me while moaning my name. As I opened my eyes, his hands were placed at either side of my face. I smiled at him and he gave me one in return as he untied my hands. ‘’I think I’ll have to stay the night,’’ I spoke as I snuggled up against him under the covers. He chuckled and placed his arm around me.

‘’I’m really sorry y/n, about everything,’’ he genuinely said, ‘’I’m sorry I hurt you and I’m sorry for not accepting that you tried.’’

‘’That’s all in the past now Ro,’’ I answered him.

‘’Good to hear, because I was thinking,’’ he looked at me and caressed my cheek, ‘’maybe we should try again?’’

He patiently waited for my answer. Not that I had to think about it, I just wanted to make him sweat. ‘’Alright, let’s try.’’ I smiled. He kissed me and intertwined our fingers.

‘’I promise you, you won’t regret it y/n, I love you.’’ He sealed his words with a passionate kiss and we both drifted off. 

——————– Tag List @x-fivefoot @thiickreigns @roman-reigns-princess @roman-reigns-empire-1996  @vebner37  @macfizzle  @lavitabella87  @au-lee-yah

[luckyinmoonlight-blog]

CHAPTER TWO

“So… I don’t get it.” Annie said as she stretched out her long legs onto the reclined pool chair.

We both let the warm Rhode Island, early September sun tan us. It was Labor Day weekend, and it was nice to be with my family and Annie all together again.

“What do you mean? I already explained it all.”

“Here is what I’ve gathered. You met Harry fucking Styles. He seems about damn near perfect. But you are scared of dating him? So you’re going to drop him like a hot potato.”

“So you do understand.”

“That is actually the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard in my twenty-two years of life. Congratulations.”

“You don’t get it.” I sighed.

“Nope.” She replied popping the “P” for dramatic effect. “I really don’t”.

“Can you imagine what they would say about me?”

Annie took off her black Ray Bans sunglasses and looked at me, her warm brown eyes sincere. “If you’re going to let the media affect you so deeply, you’ve picked the wrong profession, Molls.”

“I know. It’s just I’m a brand new artist. No one knows me, or what I’m about yet. I wanted to be known for my music, and my songwriting ability.”

“And your killer vocal range,” Annie added in.

“That too, thanks. I don’t want to be known as Harry Styles’ one-time fling that got her famous. You know?”

“I wouldn’t mind being known as Harry Styles one-time thing honestly-”

“Annie! I’m being serious!” I whined before I picked up my cup of lemonade and took a swig.

“I just don’t need any negative attention yet, or that is what Jessie keeps telling me.”

“Jessie,” Annie said with an eye roll.

“Stop, she has my best interest at heart.”

“Sure she does.”

“Why do you hate her so much?”

“She’s bossy. She thinks she walks on water. She thinks that just because she’s from Los Angeles and we are from Green Hills, that she is better than all of us. Guess what she isn’t. She’s a stuck up little-” Annie’s voice trailed off as we heard my brother and his fraternity brother Justin running towards the pool before they both front flipped in causing a massive splash to overcome myself and Annie.

��Spencer! Justin!” I screamed as the boys came up laughing.

“God, they are annoying. I’m so glad I’m an only child.”

“You’re like my sis, Annie.” Spencer called from in the pool as he did a backstroke.

“You are not like my sis, Annie. So if you ever want to come visit me at USC, just know my room is available.” Justin responded with a wink. Causing a giggle to arise from Spencer and me.

“Gross. I’m grabbing a beer, are you coming, Mollie?”

“Absolutely.” And just like that we started our day drinking festivities at my parents rented beach house. Three cheers for family vacations!

-

“Have you named your album yet?” My mother asked as we all sat around the table on the back deck overlooking the ocean eating our salad and steak.

“Not yet, we’re playing around with a few different options. Jessie thinks-”

“Ugh. Not her again!” Annie said with her signature eye roll. Annie had been my best friend since we were thirteen. She had been around my family so much that she was practically one of us.

“You’re not a fan of Jessie, Annie?” My mom asked intrigued. My mother loved good gossip.

“I think she’s pretentious is all.”

“You know who isn’t pretentious? Me.” Justin added before picking his fork and stabbing a big piece of filet mignon before popping it into his mouth.

Justin was new. He was my brother’s fraternity brother at the University of South Carolina. This was mine, Annie’s, and my family’s first time meeting him.

“You eat like a caveman,” Annie replied looking disgusted.

“Are all ECU girls snobs?” Justin not so subtly whispered to Spencer. Spencer shrugged but Justin shrugged as well, “It’s kind of hot.”

“I wish every night could be like this. Out here on the back deck sitting by the ocean. Having your father do the grilling, so I don’t have to cook.” My mother sighed before taking a drink of her sparkling water. The beach was most definitely her happy place.

“I miss little ole Nashville.” Was not so surprisingly my father's reply.

“We know. Meanwhile, I’ve been ready to move to Rhode Island, since we first started vacationing here when the kids were still so little. Now we have a music star, and well…. Spencer.”

“Gee, thanks, Mom.”

“Oh, you’ll do great things. Once you survive your college days!”

“Enjoy it, Spencer, before you marry some crazy girl.”

My family was your typical normal family, but I loved our little moments like this.

-

“I bet we can finish this entire bottle of Moscato tonight.” Annie smiled before pouring more barefoot Moscato into my empty wine glass.

Everyone had gone to bed by now, Spencer and Justin got so drunk after dinner they both went upstairs before they passed out. As for my parents, well old people have their bed times. That left Annie and me to drink and gossip to our heart's content.

“Not sure if we should be proud of that or-”

“No one is here to judge us, so let’s live it up for the end of summer. Drink up!”

I took a long swig of the sweet wine before placing it back on the coaster that sat on top of the small table in front of the couch. Being here in Rhode Island at the beach house my family always rented gave me a sense of serenity. I was able to calm down and relax from all of my stresses about songwriting, and promoting myself.

But there wasn’t a day that I didn’t think of Harry. He hadn’t contacted me all weekend. I knew that I shouldn’t talk to him, he wouldn’t want to waste his time on a nobody like myself, right? But that night in New York City… it was so magical. I kept reminding myself that we just both happened to be in the same place at the same time. It’s not like there was anyone else around that was readily available for him to hang out with.

This boy already had the power to shatter my heart. I knew that without a doubt. It was smart to be hesitant about developing feelings for Harry Styles. I was doing the right thing by not allowing him to distract me from what is really important in my life right now. He was just lonely and I was there.

Now I am lonely and I wish he was here.

I sighed before taking another giant swig of wine before I glanced up at the television in complete and utter shock.

“Hey turn the volume up, Annie.”

Annie grabbed the remote and turned up the volume, her mouth falling open in shock. “No fucking way.”

On E! some nobody reporter was talking causally not bothered by what was coming out of his mouth, and he was talking about me.

There was my picture plastered on the television screen. On the same screen, there was also Harry’s picture plastered right next to mine.

“It appears our favorite Harry Styles’ has caught his rebound. We all know that Styles’ and Kendall Jenner were seen together in Los Angeles about a month ago. Now it appears Kendall is happily in love with a photographer, his name we do not know yet. Looks like Harry has been cozying up to a newbie singer, Mollie Roark, all in hopes of making Kendall jealous. Stay on E! to get exclusive updates on this story!”

“You are so not anyone’s rebound.”

I sat on the couch, face pale and white. Not even sure if I was fully breathing. This is what I wanted to avoid. Now, my name is plastered all over E! news as Harry Styles’ fucking rebound.

“Say it. You are not his rebound.”

“I need more wine.”

“No problem. Be right back.” Annie shot up from her spot on the couch and ran into the kitchen as if the couch had been on fire. I didn’t need more wine. I already had a slight buzz, but I needed anything to distract me from the hurtful words of just being my dream guy’s rebound.

Then a dark and twisted thought crossed my mind. Don’t check twitter. Don’t fucking do it.

And when a thought like that enters your mind, you absolutely do it. And like an ididot, I searched myself on the worst website ever created, Twitter.

I’m not saying she’s a gold digger but…. #mollieroark

Just what the world needs another famous singing whore #mollieroark

Let me be caught with Harry to get famous. Who am I? #mollieroark

My songs suck so I’m going to get famous from Harry Styles #mollieroark

Annie walked back over to the couch with two bottles of wine in her hands, “Look, Molls, I got the good stuff!” just as tears were beginning to stream down my face.

“What? No Mollie, don’t cry-” setting the bottles down on the table Annie sat beside me and hugged my gently as I began sobbing loud ugly sobs. My nose was running and I am sure I looked like a complete disaster.

“Everyone is going to think I’m a sellout.” I managed to sniffle out as I calmed down a little.

“Well, are you?”

“What? No, I’m not-”

“Okay, I know that. You know that. Shit, Harry knows that.”

I guess she was right, I just really didn’t want to have my first scandal before my album was even officially out yet.

“Look, let’s not worry about this right now. We are on vacation, just like old times. Rumors will happen, but we know the truth. We aren’t going to let haters get us down are we?”

“No- I just don’t understand how they knew I was hanging out with him.”

“I don’t either. We can get to the bottom of it later, but tonight we are going to just have Annie and Mollie time, just like we used to okay?”

“Okay.” I sniffled again before she popped the cork off the next bottle of wine and filled my glass again.

-

2:00 AM

“I love this song!” Annie yelled as Music Feels Better by Selena Gomez thumped through the speakers on the back deck. We were definitely drunk by this point of the night.

I felt free, loose, and like I could really dance, which I absolutely couldn't. We swayed our hips to the ocean breeze and spun each other around without a care in the world.

“I think I should get us some water now.” Annie laughed as she tried to twirl but ungracefully fell onto the deck with a thud.

“Oh my God! Are you alright?” I stumbled over to her not seeing straight.

“Uh yeah, you look worse off than me.”

“True.” I flopped onto the deck chair and closed my eyes to stop the spinning.

“Yep. We need water, I’ll be right back.” Annie loudly stopped her feet back inside and slammed the door so hard I was shocked my parents didn’t wake up and come down and yell at us for all of the commotion.

My iPhone vibrated against the table. In my drunken state, it took me a minute to figure out what was happening. I peered down through my foggy vision, not being able to read my caller ID. I picked up the phone and answered it anyway.

“Hello?”

“Hey Mollie, it’s me.”

“Me? Who is me?” It was hard to put a name to the voice in my intoxicated state.

“It’s Harry.” He laughed his beautiful laugh, and wait, who?!

“Um, hi.”

“Sorry, if it’s late wherever you are. I don’t actually know where you are. Um, I’m in LA, right now and-”

“It’s late.”

“Oh sorry, were you, um sleeping?”

“No.”

“Oh, can I ask what are you doing?”

“Drinking.”

“I can call back.”

“What did you need?”

“Shit!” Annie mumbled as she slammed the back door open again.

I focused my attention on Harry. The perfect boy who probably ruined my chance at a reputable singing career.

“I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“Why wouldn’t I be okay?”

“What? I’m sorry, it’s just you are kind of slurring your words.”

“Who are you talking to?” Annie said in more of a scream than a normal speaking voice.

“Mollie, what’s going on? I’m worried about you.”

“You’re worried about me? Why, because everyone is calling me one of your little whores?”

“I didn’t mean for that to happen. You know your not.”

“I’m your next little rebound huh?”

Annie was nodding her head while simultaneously spilling her water bottle all down her shirt.

“Mollie, no. I feel bad.”

“Sure ya do, Styles. Do you know how awful this makes me look?”

“I never meant for this to happen to you.”

“Well, it did. Now my career is shit, thanks to you.”

“I’m sorry Mollie! Don’t blame me, please. Look, I'm flying to London tomorrow, come see me-”

“Fuck off, Harry Styles.” And then I hung up.

And instantly after I hung up, I thought about going to London... because I've never been there before, and it was beginning to spark my interest.

[thumper-darling]

Will you send 65 questions my way?

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

Oh my gOD YES. What if there is no life apart from my own and every person I come into contact with is just a highly thought out illusion in my head and nothing is real? 

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

2. It definitely depends on where I am when it is dark? Like, I’m not going to be scared when it’s dark in my bedroom because I’m comfortable there, but I’m gonna be heckin terrified of the dark if I’m in the woods? You feel me?

3. The person you would never want to meet?

Ronald J. Stump

4. What is your favorite word?

Cluster or Truffle

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

Birch tree binch

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

“Wow, I really let myself go” :’) 

But no, I thought about how I have mascara rings under my eyes but haven’t worn mascara in 2 days and I have for sure showered since then so why in the frickin heck do I have mascara marks under my eyes? 

7. What shirt are you wearing?

An old man’s sweater that I thrifted 

8. What do you label yourself as?

Interesting? Adventurous? Quirky? I don’t know, what do you label me as?

9. Bright room or dark room?

Dim room 

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Being bullied by @parkersenses

Nah, but I was actually having a deep conversation with my little step-sister about life and school advice. 

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

17

12. Who told you they loved you last?

Lulu @doctormelapples

13. Your worst enemy?

McDonald J. Rump

14. What is your current desktop picture?

….

a racecar…

15. Do you like someone?

I really like my doggo

16. The last song you listened to?

Adolescent by Lostboycrow 

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

I could never hurt somebody, no way. like, how do you expect me to deal with that radical guilt. my conscience is way too pure for that.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

I would rather not punch people in the face? Does it count if I answer with who I would like to punch me in the face?

19. If anyone could be your servant for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

Um, I would want to have Harrison Osterfield be my “assistant” for a day. I would literally just have them hang out with me because I need friendship to thrive

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

My eyes? or my freckles, even if they are faint

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

I don’t heckin know what I would look like. Like me but more testosterone? I would like to just live my everyday life, but observe the differences from male and female treatment that’s incorporated in our society. 

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

I can juggle really terribly 

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

I’m not afraid of anything

   the past coming back to haunt me

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

Bagel for bread, jalapeno cream cheese, lettuce, tomato, smoked turkey, and havarti cheese

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

Either on a tattoo, or put it in my college savings. But probably on a tattoo because I have no financial security. 

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

Montreal Canada binch. Okay no, but probably like NYC or LA or something super stereotypical like that.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

Mike’s Hard Lemonade for decades. honestly, I love lemonade and those drinks are so heckin tasty. 

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

You have a right to your own opinion, until it infringes on the basic human rights of others. Then ur fined and thrown in jail for being a rude ass disrespectful person thx. 

29. What is your favorite expletive?

fuck

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

My book “The Perks of Being A Wallflower” 

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

The drama that went down with my family last summer and earlier this year

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

Oooh, maybe London or Barcelona? Or Italy. OH ITALY WOULD BE WONDERFUL

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

There was a girl who got into a car accident a few weeks ago, I didn’t know her, but I do know that she was 18 and had just graduated Valedictorian of her class. She had a full ride to college, so I think I would bring her back. 

34. What was your last dream about?

A hotel room 

35. Are you a good….dancer?

THE ANSWER TO THAT IS YES

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

Ah yes 

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

Not well

38. What is the color of your socks?

White. 

39. What type of music do you like?

All of it idk 

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

sunrises 

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

Vanilla 

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

I don’t know, Michigan State

43. Do you have any scars?

I have a few from accidents when I was younger. I’m a clumsy oof

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

After I graduate college I’d like to be involved with writing somehow. I really want to work on films or work with manuscripts.

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I’d like to be a more energized person

46. Are you reliable?

I like to think so 

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

Are you happy with your life?

48. Do you hold grudges?

I really try not to. I don’t like to hold on to hatred or anger. 

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

A fox and a golden retriever? That’d be a fun mix 

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

I once had a conversation with someone about who had cooler socks? And kept sending pics to each other of our goofy sock collection. That was a strange one. 

51. Are you a good liar?

God, I hope so

52. How long could you go without talking?

I once went 24 hours without talking, soooo

53. What has been your worst haircut/style?

I LET MY FRIENDS CUT MY HAIR THE SUMMER BEFORE MY SOPHOMORE YEAR AND I ENDED UP WITH A CHERRY RED ASYMMETRICAL BOB AND IT WAS WAY TOO SHORT FOR MY FACE SHAPE AND IT WAS AWFUL

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

I cheated and did like an eggless cake or something like that?

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

Hecking, no. Accents are not my strong suit 

56. What do you like on your toast?

Peanut butter or butter with cinnamon sugar

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

a little doodled heart probs

58. What would be you dream car?

Ford fiesta? Idk

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

I sing in the shower when nobody else is home. That’s about it.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

YES It is literally impossible that we are the only living and thriving society in the entire universe? Like?? The possibilities are endless.

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

Not always, but if it pops up on my dash I’ll look at it

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

S or T 

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Dragons! Was that even a question 

64. What do you think about babies?

I get nervous around babies. They’re such small, delicate humans and I feel too much responsibility being around babies. 

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

You didn’t ask anything, so I’ll just tell you about my day?? I had a college freshman event today and I met some pretty cool people and it has me less worried about starting college. I also think I’m gonna read and write a bit today, so I’m pretty excited about that. Also, my mom comes back from out of town in an hour or so and I can’t wait to see her. 

[indigo-streaks-in-her-hair]

500 Follower Ask Celebration :)

welp, here we are with 500 beautiful lovelies reading our fics. when we first started this blog, we never imagined such a wonderful response. everyone is the nicest & we both can’t express how grateful we are for every one of you.

thank you so much for sticking by us, even during our rough times. your support means the world to the both of us, & you all keep us going more than you think. you all inspire us every single day, & never fail to make us laugh.

you, yes all of you, are the best followers in the whole damn universe. you’re all irreplaceable & extremely dear to us. we love you guys so much. words can’t begin to describe how we feel.

and so, since we literally can’t come up with anything else to do on this momentous occasion, our original plan for 500 was to reblog a long ass ask list for you guys to send in numbers, but since that would all be complicated on the matter of the two of us answering, we decided to just answer all these 45 questions.

you’ll find the questions and our answers under the cut! enjoy!

 um she’s really lovely and sympathetic and true and magnificent and her name is summer and the most annoying thing about her is that she’s not annoying at all. -v

pretty much the fact that vic is better than me at  e v e r y t h i n g . she’s so much more caring and generous and beautiful and she’s always there for me whenever i’m having a bad day or if i’m just lonely or whenever i need someone to talk to. she’s also super polite and hilarious as hell. -s

2 • least favorite tv shows? 

oops sorry if i offend some people but i really don’t like vampire diaries, thirteen reasons why, gossip girl, or the uk version of the office. -v

i don’t, like,,,,, watch tv much so all honesty, i can’t really have an answer for this? sorry?? -s

3 • favorite moment with your best friend ( s ) ? 

oh omg i was texting summer a few weeks ago discussing and finalizing which fic requests we were each going to be taking and we had that one request asking for a connor imagine in which him and the reader take zoe to get her wisdom teeth out so i said something around the lines of “i can take connor and the wisdom teeth” and i literally froze before following that up with “omg that could be a name for a band”. summer freaks out and we’re both laughing hysterically over text and we stop everything and just spit out crappy band names that include connor and various body parts like “connor and the tonsils” and “connor and the funny bone” and even “connor and the fractured pelvis” and we’re absolutely dying because we can’t stop cackling at this stupid thing i brought up which made me laugh out loud a hundred times and i ended up scaring my own grandmother when she saw me giggling crazily with my phone. she ended up cutting me a slice of pie because she thought there was actually something wrong and the pie might help me calm down. so if the person who requested “connor and the wisdom teeth” is reading this right now i just wanna say thank you for requesting and your idea is amazing and your fic will forever be iconic ily. -v

oh my god, i was literally going to say the exact same thing vic did, but i guess i can choose a different memory.  one time vic posted a pic of a turtle on her sc story and i was like “girl omg” and she remembered that time she played the character Turtle in her school’s production of The Westing Game play and then we started reminiscing on our old nerdy memories like when a projected video didn’t work for her and she had to just say all the audio backstage, or the time after my school’s cheap ass production of the Wizard of Oz during curtain call i tried to quickly change from my farmhand costume to my tin man costume and i forgot to put my shoes on and i slipped and fell on my ass during curtain call (i also forgot to bow but unimPORTANT) and it was just so sweet and cute but honestly every moment with vic is the bEST. -s

4 • what’s one quality you would like to have? 

hm i’ve always wanted lighter eyes, mine are this boring brown color. whenever i’m in sunlight, they become shot through with these bits of gold and amber and it’s super pretty and that’s the only time they really lighten up. it would be really nice if they were like that all the time. -v

my big nose and thin hair have been the #1 qualities i’m most self conscious of, so i would really like to either have a smaller nose, or thicker hair. my face is already super oily as is, but my nose is the worst part, and i’ve always hated how my nostrils are almost as big has my eyes. as for the thin hair, you always have to be cautious about what you do with it, because there’s so little of it. like, i’m hella prone to sweating, which sucks, so if i sweat too much, my hair can easily build up enough grease to look like i just got out of the shower in a matter of minutes. or if i sleep on it the “wrong way”, and portions of are crinkled awkwardly or sticking out, then that’s how it’s going to look the entire day. and i can’t do any cute hairstyles with it because it all will fall out. -s

5 • name three people of the same sex you would kiss, marry, or fuck. 

kiss rachelle ann go, marry pippa soo, and fuck laura dreyfuss oops. -v

kiss pippa soo, marry eva noblezada, and as for the other one,,,, i’ll get back to you on that.. -s

6 • do you like your full name? 

hell no it sounds so boring and standard. -v

hahahahahah, no way. -s

7 • tell me your most embarrassing memory. 

erhm so many? how do i choose? i’ve tripped in front of crushes hundreds of times, i spelled a word wrong in a spelling bee that i really did know how to spell but my anxiety acted up and i panicked so badly, i ran into a sliding glass door literally yesterday, when i was little i sang in a public bathroom and everyone heard, i also fell out of a tree? does that make me evan hansen? -v

oh n o. there’s too much there, i swear. um, i got so nervous when someone asked me what my name was, i told them i was “helen”, but i think that was because i accidentally said “hell” too loud and tried to cover it up. i’ve tripped so many times on a flat ground. once i was crying in a public bathroom and a kid started banging on the door and told his mom that no one was in there, so before they got the staff to open the door, i panicked and hid my face in my sleeve as i ran out of there. omg there was also one time, a long ass time ago, someone asked me who my favorite member of one direction was and i didn’t know who they were because in my house we don’t listen to (at the time) contemporary music. not to mention anything in english?? but anyways, i’d heard of them but nothing about them, so me, trying desperately to fit in said “i like all four of them”. and they told me “there’s five”. there was also a time i was invited to this girl’s retreat thing in her youth group when we took a field trip to this pumpkin patch and they had this corn maze and we tried to go through it, but i got lost and nobody was around me and for some reason i thought everyone just left so i was terrified and crying and just started running straight through the corn. but then one of the other kids saw me and called me out to everyone and i was too embarrassed and anxious to say “i got lost”. there’s probably so many more memories and probably worse ones too, but in short, my life is a huge embarrassment. -s

8 • favorite color to wear? 

pastel baby blue is my number one. i have this off shoulder blouse that’s this pretty sky blue color and white and i think it’s my favorite item of clothing. -v

i can’t make a lot of colors look good on me so usually i turn to black, gray, or any dark shade. -s

9 • favorite restaurant? 

there’s a vietnamese place called “saigon diamond” in my city and it’s absolutely wonderful and i would go there every single day if i could. -v

i love this little place, it’s called “cafe vie” where they have boba tea, spring rolls, phở, all sorts of vietnamese food and it’s just so quaint and the food is the best there, honestly. i’m so hungry now. -s

10 • what would be a good first date for you? 

take me to a broadway show and then dinner and i will be the happiest girl in the world. -v

vic pretty much took it away at “broadway show” for me. and dinner is hella important, food is so good. i don’t have high standards, but if you really want to make an impression on me, then i’m literally the biggest sucker for romantic gestures. -s

11 • are you a good wrestler? 

thumb, yes. arm, no. full body contact, idk about that but i do know karate so i will fight you. -v

lmao, no. -s

12 • are you allergic to something? 

up until the time i was five or something i was allergic to grass and i had to wear pants whenever i went outside and it was honestly horrible because i couldn’t play tag or run around like other kids my age. -v

i honestly don’t know but most bug bites i get can get hella blisters and really gross even if i don’t touch them. -s

13 • would you be a good singer? 

i’ve been singing pretty much my entire life but it was only this year that i started gaining confidence with my voice so i guess i consider myself a good singer? i’m not completely there yet, though. -v

i really hope so. i’ve been a big choir nerd since i was 7 or 8 and i’m really passionate about singing, but that really has nothing to do with skill, i guess? i don’t really like the sound of my voice, but i’m pretty decent at harmonizing. -s

14 • who’s the last person you said “ i love you ” to? 

summer aka the shining light in this dark world. -v

victoire aka the actual light of my life?? love you, vic -s

15 • what car would you buy if you had enough money? 

um a porsche obviously because that shit is prime. -v

literally any car that doesn’t break down. as long as it can transport me from point a to point b without any troubles, then i am set. -s

16 • favorite cover of a song? 

currently it’s that cover of ben platt singing “ stay ” that’s floating around tumblr rn and i think i had an eargasm when i listened to it the first time i was so shook. -v

i can’t pickk a favv omg. everyone is so frickin talented it makes me actually want to curl up and yell. -s

17 • what was your last conversation about? 

coincidentally it was summer telling me we hit 500 and me proceeding to flip out. -v

hah, i don’t remember who it was with but i went around telling a couple people that my dad took my phone and i can only contact them from my crappy chromebook. -s

18 • where were you born? 

good ol’ michigan in the usa where i still live today. come visit us because we have chocolate fudge, cereal, and eminem if you like that kind of shit. we also have lots of lakes and pretty places and we’re so cool we’re shaped like a fucking mitten. -v

kansas, where i also still live today. maybe i don’t get out much, but it’s kinda boring here,, -s

19 • least favorite app? 

there’s this app on my uncle’s phone called “ chicken scream ” where this chicken has to jump onto platforms but to do that you have to scream and the octave of your voice determines how high the chicken jumps. seriously fucked up and i hate it but it’s hilarious watching people play it. -v

anything that can’t entertain me for more than two minutes. i have such a short attention span -s

20 • tell me two facts about the country of your birth. 

um we have the largest air force in the world and we sell enough pizza every day to cover one hundred whole acres and no i am not lying i read this in a book ok bye. -v

uhhh… its abbreviation, “USA” stands for the United States of America, and it’s made up of 50 states. -s

21 • do you like wearing sunglasses? 

actually i hate wearing sunglasses because they get tangled in my hair but if a pair looks good with my outfit then i will wear them for the sake of fashion. -v

i don’t wear sunglasses really at all, so i guess i can’t really have an opinion on them? -s

22 • when’s a good moment for a first kiss? 

goodbye kisses are the best, do not tell me otherwise. walk me home and then kiss me goodbye at the door and i will be thinking about you all the damn time and i’ll can’t wait to see you. -v

i think for a first kiss it should be a very important thing, so whoever you have it with should be really close to you, and someone you know that even if things don’t work out, you can always look back on it as a positive memory. but what would i know? -s

23 • what are your nationalities? 

i was born in america to immigrant parents who came from the philippines. along with the filipino blood, my great grandmother on my dad’s side was chinese, and my great grandparents on my mom’s side were spanish. -v

i was also born in america to immigrant parents, but they were from vietnam. my great grandparents on my mom’s side were chinese. -s

24 • what would make you drop college / university? 

ha are you kidding me if i ever dropped out of any sort of education my strict asian parents would probably disown me and mushu the dragon would appear out of nowhere and give me that whole “ dishonor ” speech. -v

^damn vic, i couldn’t have said it any better. -s

25 • a crossover between two shows ( any shows ) you would like to see? 

idk about any of you but a crossover between riverdale and doctor who sounds hella awesome. i’d definitely watch that. -v

frick;; i don’t watCH TV at like,,, all?? -s

26 • long or short hair? 

on me? honestly i prefer to have long hair but i’ll go shoulder length if i’m really feeling brave or something. when i was little i had super short hair with bangs so i was basically an asian dora the explorer. -v

short hair, for sure. i used to have hair down to my waist when i was younger and that was probably the grossest thing about me because it was so disproportionate to my head/face and made me look like if E.T. had two long strands of black yarn on its head. but even before that ofc i had a bowl cut. what asian kid doesn’t have a bowl cut, honetsly. although, over the summer i don’t cut my hair so i can dye the ends, then have it cut when school starts. the farthest it goes down is barely past my shoulders. -s

27 • a character from a book / tv show that shouldn’t of died? 

max lightwood from the mortal instruments book series was the purest bean, and he wasn’t even ten years old yet and that definitely broke my heart. as for tv characters, i sobbed for days on end when arthur from the bbc show merlin died. -v

um,,, crap idk. -s

28 • favorite movie scene? 

pitch perfect two where ben platt’s character benji musters up the courage to kiss emily before the bellas go on. idk why but it’s so cute? maybe it’s just ben? -v

sidenote: vic, i love that scene. anyways, maybe that final scene in heathers where martha gets her one line. idk. -s

29 • do you ship more fictitional characters or real people? 

fictional characters of course. who would i be without my otps? -v

definitely fictional characters. -s

30 • favorite country song? 

i seriously despise country music. i just don’t like it. it’s bleh. i don’t really know half the artists or their songs so i can’t have a favorite. -v

frickin “your man” by josh turner. i’m seriously kidding. i don’t listen to country music efiouhadjhdsilvb -s

31 • favorite john green book? 

it’s tied between “ paper towns “and ” looking for alaska “ because both are equally cryptic and beautiful at the same time and i love when books are like that. -v

heck, i really like “looking for alaska” -s

32 • least favorite ed sheeran song? 

oh come on. i love ed. you can’t expect me to pick a least favorite. but when it comes to the song i skip over most of the time it has to be ” even my dad does sometimes “ from multiply ( x ). -v

uhhhhmmmm… hell if i know -s

33 • favorite ship? 

malec from shadowhunters will always be my otp until the day i die. the ship is so diverse and has so much chemistry and if you read the books magnus and alec are so in love i can’t handle. -v

i don’t frickin knowwww. i’m honestly feeling so attacked right now. i’m so sorry if all of my answers are like this, i’m literally the most indecisive person in the actual world. -s

34 • how do you deal with sexual tension? 

uM -v

uM -s

35 • name a celebrity who died that you miss. 

our queen carrie fisher. i grew up with star wars always on my tv and when i heard of her passing i cried and rewatched ” the force awakens “ with blankets and two boxes of tissues. -v

there’s really too many to choose from, and thinking about all of the happy memories they’ve brought to me and everyone is just getting me so emotional. -s

36 • favorite harry potter spell? 

i’m really fucking basic but ” lumos “ is the best. it’s so simple. it’s light. and idk why that resonates with me but i just think everyone needs a little light these days. -v

i literally said “lumos” too, but now i’m going to choose “riddikulus” because turning boggarts into something funny proves that anyone can find humor in their biggest fear. -s

37 • something you are scared of losing? 

my family. there’s no way in hell i’d make it through life without my little brother or my grandparents who are there for me. -v

i’m terrified of losing the few friends i have. everyone i used to know didn’t have a single hesitation in forgetting me or even trying to lose contact with me. -s

38 • someone you regret meeting? 

i could make you a list and tell you what each one did to make me regret even looking at them but i don’t wanna go out on a full on bitch rant about these people who ended up wasting my time. but i’ll just say i’ve met my share of shitty human beings. -v

too many. there have been too many people who’ve hurt me or betrayed me or have honestly made me feel like a horrible person, and i really wish i could forget every last one of them. little tip: it doesn’t matter how long you’ve known a person, it doesn’t excuse any sort of bullshit or betrayal they’ve done. -s

39 • have you ever been hurt by someone you thought was your friend?

yes and it’s caused a lot of emotional and mental issues. i’ve been backstabbed and used so many times and i just wish i could stop being stupid and blind for not seeing it in the first place. -v

god, yes. i wish it didn’t take me this long and this much damage to realize i shouldn’t have been throwing around my trust or my yearning to be accepted so lightly. getting hurt by the people you thought cared about you most is the most awful feeling, especially knowing that every single act of kindness and sympathy and love to them meant nothing. -s

40 • do you easily open up to people? 

yes and no, actually. it ultimately depends on the person and whether i have a connection with them. -v

it’s really hard to open up to people in real life because i don’t know if they’re confidently lying to my face or will use my own words against me to people who also know me irl. but online it’s easy to open up to my friends there because i can find people who understand shit i go through and actually take the time to give a crap. -s

41 • what is a gift you love receiving? 

hugs. i love hugs. gimme all the hugs you got, boo. -v

damn, v knows exactly what i’m going to say. i love hugs so frickin much, but honestly any sort of affection is all i need, like, smooches? yes?? compliments? absoLUTELY?? cuddles??? MARRY ME?!?! -s

42 • what is something you could leave easily? 

erhm maybe my notebooks? i usually journal in them but not that often anymore. -v

probably hair clips. i really can’t do anything with them, and on me they’re really tacky. -s

43 • rant about what’s eating you up. 

i’d really rather skip this one if anyone doesn’t mind, i’m sure i’d go on for a hundred paragraphs about my stressful life plus i’m sure it would annoy you. and my problems are the kind of personal ones i’m not comfortable putting out in public yet. -v

i really agree with vic here, i don’t want to be a huge bother to y’all and it’s really a touchy and personal subject here. -s

44 • if you could make a phone call to anyone right now, who would it be and what would you say? 

i’d call ben platt, tell him how much i love him and how much i love the show and whole cast, all while screaming and shaking. -v

i was going to freaking say ben platt too, seriously. i wish i could thank him for how much his representation of evan and the build up of his character has made me find something to relate to and learn to appreciate myself more, even in the slightest. i’d also love to tell him that he shouldn’t have to feel apologetic for doing the things he does to take care of himself physically and mentally, and his fans should be more than supportive of him taking care of his well-being. i’d also ask him to tell the rest of the cast, creative, and standbys how much i seriously appreciate them, but honestly i’d be speechless if i knew he was on the other end of the line. -s

45 • are you easy to love? 

aw yes. people say i’m lovable. i’m been compared to a teddy bear before. it’s happened, trust me. -v

i should hope so, but not very many people like to stick around me. i mean, i try to be someone worth loving and i’m more than happy to spill out all of my love to anyone who just asks politely <3. -s

[alythekitten]

How can I turn off my brain?

Seriously.

This is probably gonna be a long painful wall of text. Because recently my speciality is writing fucking walls of text.

So my dear Alice: if you want to jump into the rabbit’s hole, there you go. (Ahah it’s funny because I AM ALICE OH MY GOD)

Now, for those few (god really) few people that follows me since the “beginning”, you know... I went to university, got a degree in fashion & textile design (here, in Italy, something that apparently would work...). Then I got a job... a shitty one with no prospectives (they had literally no idea of what they were doing with me, I am serious), then I got another one. It worked for a while, I did my internship pretty well I can say, well my employer said that to me, after 6 months of hard work, I was one step far from a regular 3 years work contract. I was happy. I saw a future for a moment, independence, I dreamed about my own place. I dreamed, and for Mr. Life, apparently, it was enough. I was waiting for my work contract on January, then in February... March... keep asking why the delay, receiving half answers, confirmation like “I’m doing next month” and then nothing, just to discover he will move the entire company in Switzerland on August (if this is real...), without informing us at all.  Anyway, meanwhile I was there, working practically for free, being payed 40€ for every design I sold... well that they sold, it didn’t depends on me at all, in a month it might be to 0€ to 500, 1000, whatever: in a week I produced from 20 to 40 designs, it depends on the subjects and on the techniques (digital or traditional), and the maximum amount of design I sold in a month of the 3 -and half- I worked that way was 19. And plus, if this was not enough. the delay with which he normally payed me... well I was embarrassed when I asked him to be payed after a month delay... and I got more and more embarrassed to remember him after a month and two weeks delay for about 600€ salary, if you can call it as such. At the moment (and mind: IS MAY) I am still waiting for the salary of March, and then god know when and if I will see the few money I made on April, working for less than 2 weeks. Pretty pitiful I thought, because that condition was absurd, nothing regular, nothing safe, not ok at all, plus my anxiety got worst because of the situation, I fought as long as I could, then I gave up. Just, I gave up. I left my “job” before leaving for Magic Con, because I couldn’t accept to be treated like that. I am 25, I got a degree, I can draw, jesus christ I am not an idiot and frankly I think I deserve more than this treatment. Then I raised my eyes and... fuck. Fuck: this is normal, this is pretty much the “normal situation” here, nobody really want to fight the system, nobody have the guts to stand up and shout “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY?!” because this is wrong! We have no prospectives, no future, this generation is already fucked: we are fucked and we didn’t even had the possibility to fight. We just lose. I can say this without any doubt: I am depressed. I try to distract myself from thinking, but y’know, you can’t really turn off your brain. I got my anxiety back, stronger like a punch in the mouth. I got back my demons, I got back the condition of laying in bed without the strength to get up, not even sleeping, just being paralyzed. Scared, powerless, empty. I tried to react... by doing the things I love, just like drawing, crafting, sewing, but I can’t really find the correct inspiration, and when everything you do is like shit well, let me say: it get worst.

And it’s 4.00 am in the fucking morning and I am scared to go to bed, scared of dreaming, scared of the day even worst, the sun light that judges me every day. I really tried to react, to escape this situation, but everything is like quicksand. Family, even more divided than before, not having a home, I already told and explained, I have a house in which I live, but I don’t have a home, since uh... 8 years? Kind of... no family means no home, and I “lost” my family 8 years ago, now I have only 3 people that have blood ties with me, no more, nothing else. I know I can count on friendship, and I am trying so bad, but you know when anybody have their own stuff, bad moments, I can’t pretend to be in their minds all day with my shit, I am trying to chill and don’t stress them out, because I don’t wanna cross that line, I am too scared because I got close to that line more than twice now, too close. I can’t even put this shit on facebook, because oh man, oh man... just no. Full of trolls, full of people that will laugh reading those lines, silently, in their little shitty corners, telling others, laughing monstrously together. Shivers down my spines, I am surrounded by malignancy. I feel it on my skin, I feel eyes like daggers in my back, whispers like poison, itching ugh. Basically thanks to someone I used to call “my best friend”, more than a year and half ago, now new spiders and snakes (no, you are no longer “people” to me), joined the club against me for no reason, because if I ask “why?” I normally get a babbling nonsensical answer in which they can’t really say why now they hates me: welcome you fucktards, this is calling brainwash and you got a degree in that *slow claps* congrats to your president, he did an excellent work! Not that I really care about such small pitiful living being, but this is really the cherry on the top of the shit cake: is this necessary? Not really, it just gives that extra negativity that we all need in our lives.

Now, I am putting this shit here because I just need to vent a little -woha LITTLE- because I can no longer keep my mouth shout and my finger still... I know that eventually here I will find comprehension, some good words, or just a virtual hug, and that’s enough, even silence will be ok to me right now.

I am just asking myself if the situation is the same out there... Yesterday I was thinking that I expected more than this when I was younger... You know, they were talking about “globalization” “world citizen” ah, those great words. I dreamed about being a “world citizen”, but now? Now we are just closing in. Barriers, walls, god we are scared to travel, not only because terrorism and isis, but because we are not world citizens really, this world is not ready yet. Intolerance and discrimination, you are gay, you are muslim, you are blue and you are red, I can “accept” -well not really- this from my grandma’s generation, but not from mine, not from the new ones for fuck’s sake.

I had coworkers that still said “Eww, gays” and mind that I worked in the fucking fashion system, in 2017.

I can stop now, because I literally examined every single aspect of my life, ranting about them all.

I demand sorry for this *stares at the wall of text* but I needed to.