#oh my god finally it shows up in tags. i had to email support and they still couldnt do anything for the previous version

[randomwriteronline]

I wonder if the toa mata recognized themselves in their own memories from before mata nui.

I dont know, i think theres possibilities to be explored about that. Suddenly remembering yourself and what you find being a complete stranger is a common thing for amnesia plots i guess but also i think this could be even more jarring. Like a more genuine difference between killing machine and living being.

Its less a matter of nature vs nurture and more a matter of nature with a certain type of nurture. Nature dictates they are powerful and driven and well meaning, but the way they are brought up produces completely different people.

Their first taste of life was a sterile room with nobody but each other and a disembodied voice reading out their duties, establishing an arbitrary hierarchy within them, and then sending them to a glorified bootcamp where a ruthless instructor worked on making them into skilled combatants and nothing else, teaching them how to use their elements as tools and weapons without indulging in them; they got a vague sense of what and how a community feels like with the Av-Matoran - as outsiders, as its protective shield, there for them but not with them - only to get that stripped away from them too because their role as life saving tools to be preserved under glass just in case of a crisis was more important.

I wonder if the Toa Mata, the ones who were taken to the Koro of Mata Nui and listened to the Turaga's tales and reprimands and would have moved mountains for the Matoran who treated them like older siblings, return with their minds to things they said or thought or did from before the Island of Mata Nui and stop in their tracks. Whose memory is that, they think? That can't be mine. I am not like that. My siblings are not like that. Some things are perfectly right, they cant deny that; but just as many if not more are so wrong that they almost feel like a really cruel joke somebody planted into their heads.

Kopaka and Tahu got along, even if they dont want to admit it because they need to bicker like children or theyll die, but are more surprised that they werent as tentatively close with anybody else. Lewa remembers so much frustration and tedium and anger that if he stalls in his memories too much he genuinely starts feeling queasy, Pohatu has remnants of bitterness and passive aggression that still cling to him like the smell of a cigarette on someone who gave up smoking, and they both hate that because its nothing like them. Onua and Gali feel like theyre peering into some kind of imperfect clone's brain when they try to remember - its themselves, they know that, it has to be, but there are certain things they know about themelves that are just completely missing and its kind of dizzying to realize that.

Im not even sure they liked each other. They work together because its their destiny, but they don't seem to seek each other out for fun or anything else. In their training days they had to be shoved in each others direction or they would have never solved their obligatory group assignments.

I wonder if their terrors and flaws could partially come from this first life that they had too. Gali's fear of her anger and Lewa's disregard for duty stemming from Hydraxon's methods - she internalized his reprimands about feeling guilt for living enemies, but without any memory of him she believes the words resurfacing in her mind from time to time are her own, and is appalled by their cruelty; he was forbidden from enjoying himself, from indulging in any form of fun, of entertainment, of joy, and unconsciously now he rebels by shirking away from responsability to do whatever he wants.

The responses to Tahu's decision regarding the codrex haunt him, the whole situation, really; how he stripped his siblings of any say on their fate because he was the leader, not even telling them or explaining himself until they had no other choice, and if he could treat them like that once then what would stop him from doing so again and again until he doesnt even think about it? Kopaka is uneasy about it too. He knew the plan and supported Tahu only because he tagged along, but hes very, very acutely aware that he would have been left just as much in the dark as everybody else otherwise, and he would gave not even had anybody to seek any comfort from because hes fairly certain none of the others would have liked him enough to care.

Onua as @cantankerouscanuck pointed out to me mightve taken Hydraxon's teachings to heart, hence why he's so quiet: no use in expressing weakness, right? But karda nui must have been hellish on his senses, with all that light - a tangible physical discomfort that would bleed out into an emotional one as he becomes conscious of how none of his siblings go through this, thus he must be damaged in some way, faulty, out of place, and so he seeks to be alone, digging himself away. And its not hard to imagine how Pohatu (who hasnt had the chance to grow into the affable, kind toa his siblings can always lean on when they need to yet) would become convinced of his uselessness within the team and seethe about it.

They arrive on Mata Nui as broken war machines with no clue who they even are and suddenly find nature and community and love, and in a moment theyre people.

I wonder if the environment helped. Being thrown upon a beach in the open air with nothing but a whole world that is so alien and yet feels so right beckoning them to come closer. Discovering their powers and their domains freely, immediately - first thing they did was dive into their respective elements without a second thought, naturally magnetized, taking after them like it was the simplest thing in the world, because they are the first toa, the first beings capable of harnessing these powers in their whole universe, and its in their nature to be so connected to them. Maybe it helped. Maybe it made them feel connected to their own selves enough to figure themselves out in a way they couldnt have done so before.

Maybe it helped to find out their collective destiny each on their own, in their own environment, at their own pace, surrounded by younger siblings who look at them with awe and curiosity and frustration sometimes, guided by people who know how being alive works with all its good parts and messy bits and who can tell what having so much power means when youre barely aware of how to use it or what to do. And maybe it helped to find out who their siblings were in a similar way, introducing themselves as they wanted, as they felt like, without a specific order, and learning to recognize each other as siblings with all the things that make them insufferable and all the things that make them the best and what makes them happy and what makes them angry and how they sound when theyre worried and how likely they are to chase you down to the other edge of the island for doing something stupid, and like real people they grow and develop and change and stay the same, and then they meet the memory of themselves from before becoming people and its...

Idk. Its like the realization of who they used to be and the distance between themselves and those selves, and the fact that they dont like them.

[kozumeko]

oikawa never thought he’d really see the day come.

argentina had been calling his name for months— hell, volleyball had been calling his name since he could walk. he couldn’t leave it all now. he wouldn’t dare.

he thought he’d come to terms with it all, making one of the hugest sacrifices of his life in exchange for the biggest reward he could ever think of. his dream was in front of him, and he’d be a damn fool not to take it.

that’s what you reminded him. but he couldn’t help but feel incomplete.

this feeling goes away, right? he thought to himself, strolling past families coming back from vacations with fresh tans and businessmen, too preoccupied with emails to look up at where they were walking.

“hey, tooru,” you sang, and he was brought back to the moment. his left hand in yours, his right hand gripping his suitcase.

his eyes searched for your other hand and looked at your identical suitcase, paired with the stupid luggage tags you’d bought together, and oh, oikawa understood why he felt so incomplete.

you’d gotten a great arts scholarship in america.

he was happy for you, he really was! but he would’ve been a little bit happier if you had decided to come with him instead.

the minute you found out about your acceptance, you ran to tell oikawa with tears in your eyes. he held you for hours and hours, murmuring about how proud he was and how much you deserved this.

ever since, he’d bit his tongue and figured he was too late to even offer you to come with him.

he had it all planned out in his head: you’d say yes, the both of you would move out to argentina, you’d support him, and he’d do whatever it took to support you even more. he’d anticipated the blood, sweat, and tears that would’ve went behind it all, but for the love of his life? he’d do anything.

but now that he really thought about it? yeah, it was stupid. classic stupidkawa, being too optimistic.

he’s almost glad he didn’t ask you. you would’ve thought he was crazy.

i mean, he’d be practicing constantly, honing his skill, and god forbid his habit of staying past hours to please his inner perfectionist. he wouldn’t have time for you or your relationship, and you didn’t deserve that.

you deserved to be happy, and if that stupid arts program in america made you happy? then he was happy for you.

“tooru, you’re not listening, are you?” you pouted and finally he met your eyes.

you had stopped walking moments ago, and tooru gave you a bittersweet smile. “this is your stop, huh?” he asked as if he didn’t already know the answer.

you hummed, continuing to hold his hand. “i board in about half an hour. you’ve still got a few hours, right?”

he nodded silently while the two of you made your way to a seat.

brief silence past you before you sighed. “talk about right people, wrong time, huh,” you started, a small grin spreading across your face. “you suck, tooru.”

said man gasped, feigning hurt by putting his hand over his heart. “(y/n)-chan! this is the last time i’m gonna see you for awhile and you decide to insult me?”

“i wasn’t done,” you chided. oikawa playfully crossed his arms and stuck his nose high, waiting for you to continue. you snorted, but went on nonetheless.

“you’re so perfect. ever since middle school i’ve had a crush on you and your stupid attitude. you’re so devoted, it makes me jealous, tooru-chan,” you sniffled, and tooru looked at you.

“this is so lame,” you laughed with glassy eyes. “i told myself i wasn’t gonna cry, y’know? oh well.”

your grin didn’t fade. “i didn’t think i’d ever get to date the oikawa tooru. i didn’t think i’d ever be capable of loving someone as much as i love you. it’s crazy. you suck, tooru.”

oikawa’s lip was quivering as you continued to pour your little heart out. you rambled on and on about every memory you’d never forget with him. from the first day you showed up in tooru’s class and sat next to him to the last time you’d spent with him laughing so hard that tears had streaked down your faces and you’d both lost your breath.

oikawa’s grip tightened on your hand as you’d continued to speak. and you didn’t stop until the flight attendant had announced something about boarding.

neither of you wanted to let go. nonetheless, you stood up. tooru did the same.

you took a few deep breaths. “oikawa tooru,” you sniffled, rubbing your eyes. “don’t wait for me, okay? because i’m not waiting for you.”

it hurt. he nodded regardless.

“...i’m not changing my number. you better call me, but if you meet some hottie in argentina, you better get some ass.”

he laughed, blinking away tears. “noted. and if someone breaks your heart in america, i’ll be there to kick their ass.”

“you better!” you laughed, wrapping your arms around him. tooru didn’t hesitate to return the favor, hugging you as if that’d stop you from getting on that plane.

you two stood like that for what felt like ages. “i’m gonna watch all your games, alright? i’m gonna brag that my ex-boyfriend is the best setter on that team.” you whispered through tears. “i’m gonna tell everyone that i’m in love with him, too. i love you, tooru.”

oikawa let a few tears slip as he nodded. “i’m going to miss you so much. i’m gonna win every game for you, and i’m gonna watch all of your performances. i’m going to brag to everyone i know that my ex is one talented motherfucker. i’m gonna tell them about how i’m gonna marry you one day, too.”

you hiccuped. “don’t say shit you don’t mean, tooru. you’re gonna get my hopes up.”

tooru almost said something, but was cut off by your lips.

a few seconds later and tooru felt you reluctantly pull away. he watched you slip from his arms and grab your luggage, wiping your eyes again and breathing as if you hadn’t been crying for the past 30 minutes.

“i love you, tooru.”

“give me some time, (y/n). i’ll give you my last name.”

with those words, he watched you walk off and disappear into the aircraft.

he could do nothing more but stand with his thoughts in the now empty terminal. he stayed in the spot you’d left him, not leaving until he saw your plane take off.

he huffed, picking up his own luggage and making his way to his terminal with a heavy heart.

he didn’t care about how young he was, how cheesy he sounded, or how impossible it seemed. he spoke his words with determination— with the same passion he’d put into every serve, every pass, and every set.

he had just gained a new goal. on top of becoming the most revolutionary player in volleyball that the world’s ever seen, he swore he’d make sure you’d be alongside him.

he’d get rich and famous and distance would cease to be an issue for your love. and this, he was set on.

“i’m gonna marry you, (y/n),” he grumbled, slumping in his seat. “if it’s the last thing i do.”

in the midst of studying for finals, i give you a right people, wrong time scenario ft da bae, oikawa tooru <3

[notyetneedcoffee]

Conference Call

Bucky Masterlist

Part of the Calling Series

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Warning: NSFW, 18+, loads of fun smut

You sang along with Gaga as you barreled down the open road until the ringer cut in with Bucky’s ringtone. Tapping the button on the steering wheel, you greeted him with a pleasant “Hey handsome!”

“Where are you?” Bucky grumbled, almost whining. “Why aren’t you here yet?”

“I’m about two hours out.” You glanced at the speedometer. “Okay, maybe an hour and a half.”

He chuckled. “You’d be here already if you would have let me pick you up in the chopper.”  

“You have work today, and really wanted this car.” You ran your hand over the steering wheel of the rebuilt 1969 Chevy Camero. You’d seen it while working with a colleague in Boston. A mechanic Stark recommended checked it out and said it was worth the money, so you decided to buy yourself a very special gift. You sighed with delight.  

Bucky chuckled. “Baby, do I have competition?”

“Well, she is really sexy.” You purred. “Fuck, and the power.”

“Easy, Doll. Don’t want to wrap it around a tree your first time out. Need to stay safe so we can break in those leather seats.” Buckly rumbled.

“Oh, most definitely.” You grinned. “We’re breaking in the seats. You can bend me over the hood. God, this car just begs to be fucked on.”

He hummed low. “Sounds like a road trip is in order. Maybe get you to wear that blue summer dress, the one that’s all stretchy on top.”

“Just the dress and nothing else.”  

“M-hm, so I can just set your ass on the trunk fuck right in the open. Take you out in the woods someplace, find a place in the sun. Fuck yes, watch the sun shine on that gorgeous skin. Taste your sweat. Taste your honey.”

“Damn,” you breathed.

“Get home safe, Doll. I can’t wait to see you.”

“I’ll be there soon, but will you be free by then?”  

Bucky let out a heavy sigh, “I hope so. I don’t mind the work, but I hate these fucking meetings.”

Stark built the compound in upstate New York and began inviting specialist from all over to come train with the Avengers teams. The concept was sound, instruct the support troops and first responders how to work with the team if an emergency occurred in their area. However, their guests quickly began asking for more.  

“Not so keen on being an instructor, baby?” You tried to sound sympathetic, but you thought it was cool.  

“It’s not like they’re asking me on the most efficient way to kill an enemy with a butter knife.” You could practically hear him rolling his eyes. “They want me to set up a course on hostage extraction.”

You giggled.

“Doll...”

“Sorry, I just think of you up front of a classroom, one those pointer sticks in hand. Makes me want to bring you a shiny apple and ask if there’s anything I can do to earn extra credit.”

He laughed, rich a deep. “Baby you show up in a school girl’s uniform and pig tails... mmm, I’ll give you something alright.”

Just as the heat began to spread between your thighs, you heard Bucky grumble. “What?” He sighed heavily. “Doll, I’ve got to go back to work.”

“Aw,” you whined. “I was just picturing you pulling up my little plaid skirts and smacking my ass pink before making me suck that gorgeous cock for extra credit.”

“Dammit, Doll.” He sighed, voice dropping to a whisper. “I’m going to fuck you hard for sending off to a meeting with that image in my head.”

“I’ll be there soon and you can do just that.”

“Drive safe, beautiful.”

Xxxxxxx

You parked in the resident’s garage and grabbed your overnight bag from the truck. A whistle echoed across the floor. You looked over to see Barton strolling toward you. You shut the trunk and leaned presented the classic car with your best Vanna White flourish.  

“That is sexy, mama. Did you just get it?” Clint came closer and gave you a brief hug before throughly examining the car.  

“Yeah. I wasn’t planning on it. Living in the city for so long, I never needed a car. Now that Buck and I took a place up here, well, I don’t like borrowing the fleet cars.” You ran a hand over the shiny black surface. “It’s just like the one my granddad had. No, it’s nicer than that. But he had a black ‘69 and I have really good memories of it. I know it’s frivolous.”

“Are you kidding. It’s a classic and you work your ass off. You totally deserve. Good choice. Has Barnes seen it?”

“Not yet.” You felt a little giddy.

“You’re going to have to hide the keys from him. He’ll love it.”

“You’re probably right. In fact, I’m going to head up. I’m anxious to show him.” Clint gave you a farewell peck and headed back towards his truck. You went straight to your quarters.  

Your place at the Compound consisted of an outer living room with an office alcove and bedroom with a large en suite. You shared a large living space and kitchen with three other units occupied by Steve, Sam and Natasha. It was a comfortable arrangement.

Stepping inside, you could hear Bucky speaking. He looked up at you, eyes smiling. You could hear at least three other voices. You mouthed ‘how much longer’ at him. Bucky wrote something on a pad of paper as he answered a question about what he thought the minimum qualifications of attendees should be.

The paper said 10 minutes. You grinned, kicking off your shoes. A wicked idea come to you. Standing where the computer camera could not see, and just out of Bucky’s reach, you began removing your clothes. Bucky tried to keep a straight face, but his eyes kept darting over to you.

When you cupped your bare breasts in your hands and wet your lips with your tongue, his jaw clenched and he locked his eyes on the computer screen. The discussion continued.

You crawled under the desk, running your hands up his thighs. He tensed. You palmed his hardening cock through his sweats. Bucky’s hips rocked forward.  

“I just don’t think, um, they need to have some experience. I’m about to start things at a basic level.” Bucky’s voice stayed level, but his hand slipped down and he lowered his chair a bit. His eyes flicked your way, seeing you on your knees. His nostrils flared.

As someone else droned on, he watched you pull him free and stroke him. You slipped on hand between your legs, running fingers through your folds. It was so hot. You collected wetness on your fingers before bringing them to his slip your hand over the head of his cock. Slippery and wet, his hips lowered closer to you. Edging closer, you licked the under side of him, not having quite enough room to take him fully in your mouth.  

“Barnes, what do you think?”

“Ah,” His eyes snapped back up. “As long as we can confirm the certification and the course checks out, sure.” He watched himself on the monitor and lowered his chair a little more. He swallowed hard as your mouth closed over him. Bucky gripped the pen on the desk in front of him to keep from reacting as he felt the back of your throat.  

You worked him with your tongue and hands. Slick with slobber, deep and firm. His thighs quivered with the effort to hold still. It was so naughty. You were dripping wet.  

“Sounds like you guys can wrap this up. Email me the final proposal. I’ve got something here needing my attention. Thanks.” Bucky bit out before slamming his laptop closed. “Doll, fuck!”

He pushed back his chair. You followed. His hand tangled in your hair as his hips rock up. “Oh, shit, baby I’m...” Your hand clenched his hip. You weren’t stopping. Cupping his balls, pumping with slicked hand, your tongue swirled over the tip. He growled low when you swallowed him deep again.

His fingers tightened and hips jerked. “Ah, holy shit, yes....”

Bucky came hard as you swallowed him down, slowly licking him clean.  

You looked up with a wicked smile. He shivered. “That was so unfair.”

“What?” You blinked up at him with mock innocence.  

“You think you’ve made up for your bad behavior?” His eyebrow arched.

“But, baby...”

“You are in so much trouble.” Bucky smirked. He lunged but you scurried away with a squeal. He caught you before you made it all the way to the bedroom. His strong arms wrapped around you, his laugh in your ear.  

It was the best kind of trouble.  

TAGS

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[vs-redemption]

Crime is Common. Logic is Rare. (Ch.24)

Chapter Twenty-Four: Fun Evening Out (HawksxGN!Reader)

From Cindy: This chapter is another long one! And, as promised, there’s plenty of Hawks ♥ Enjoy!

Plot summary: You thought your hands were full as a regular quirk geneticist, but then you meet Hawks and things get even more exciting!

Warnings:  

⚠️This story contains spoilers from the manga.

⚠️Some events and plot points have been altered from the original manga

Tag List: @gayforkeigo @marshmallow-witch @redflannel @toyo-shiro @elsasshole @astronomyturtle @iambashfulperson @omiwashere

Next Chapter : Chapter Guide

Seeing the familiar scenery of your homework appear outside the window of the bullet train as it raced along the tracks felt like slowly waking up from a nightmare. Even though you knew that Dr. Garaki, his secret nomu lab, and the slumbering Shigaraki would still be waiting for you when you got back to Tokyo, there was still a sense of relief to put it all behind you for a little while. There was the possibility that receiving permission from the doctor to return home for a weekend was some sort of test, but you couldn’t bring yourself to worry too much about that as you exited the train station and took a deep calming breath to inhale the wonderful scent that was unique to your city. After checking into the hotel you’d be staying in for the night, your first priority was heading to the small, research facility that you’d been missing so terribly since moving away.

“Look who’s back!” your feisty middle aged boss hops out of her chair and comes out from behind her desk to engulf you in a hug. “I was starting to think you’d forgotten about us completely.”

“Never!” You promise while awkwardly returning the woman’s embrace. “Anyway, I know we haven’t seen each other in a while, but it’d be hard to forget you when we’ve been emailing back and forth every few days.”

“It’s not the same as seeing you in person though,” your boss claims. After finally releasing you from her grasp, she backs away and looks around expectantly. “Where’s your bird?” You can’t help but let out a dry laugh and shake your head at her.

“I’m starting to think you like him more than me,” you raise an eyebrow at her and she simply shrugs with a playful look in her eyes. “And the truth comes out,” you sigh before finally answering her question. “Hawks will be here around closing time. He had some work stuff he had to take care of, plus he prefers flying over cramming those massive wings onto public transportation.”

“Makes sense to me,” your boss nods and then finally turns the subject to business. “Simon isn’t scheduled to come in today, but I’m sure he’ll pop by after his classes are over since he knows you’re in town. He’s getting much better at managing things on his own now that you’re not here to guide him, but he’ll probably bombard you with a million questions when he sees you anyway.”

“That’s fine,” you nod in understanding. “I feel bad that I haven’t been there for him as much as I should.”

“We all understand you’ve been busy,” your boss assures you. “I’m just proud to know your efforts have paid off and that you’re now working for such a renowned scientist. I can only imagine what kind of things you’re working on and the impact it’ll have on the world!”

“Yeah,” you have to force a smile on your face. You wished her fantasies were the truth, but the reality was that you were helping a psychopath create a super villain that would probably be capable of levels of unprecedented destruction. “Well, I’d better get to work trying to catch up on everything I’ve been neglecting back here.”

Your boss nods her head and you head into one of the labs to throw yourself into your old routine, relishing in the fact that you wouldn’t have to worry about putting on a show for the mad doctor or Shigaraki. Even in his unconscious state, the leader of the villains was a pain in the neck. It had taken about two weeks of around-the-clock care before Shigaraki finally stopped having the violent convulsion episodes caused by his body rejecting the assimilation of All For One’s DNA into its own. He seemed stable now, which is why the doctor had allowed you a little time away from the lab, but you knew things were going to get just as intense once you were back.

After reviewing the results of Shigaraki’s procedure so far, Garaki had decided that the villain would need several rounds of treatment with the special serum before All For One’s quirk would be completely transferred. There was no way to know what damage had already been done to Shigarak’s body after the violent reaction he’d had to the first dose of the serum, so the thought of putting him through the process repeatedly was greatly disturbing to you. When you’d agreed to work with Dr. Garaki in the beginning, you couldn’t have predicted you’d end up participating in this sort of human experimentation.

You look up from the manuscript you’d been reading when you hear the sound of your name being called from the doorway. Of course, it was Simon, the undergrad research assistant you’d been helping before all the madness in your life had stolen your focus. “Your writing has improved,” You hold up the stack of papers before standing up to greet him properly.

“Thanks!” He says appreciatively, “It’s so good to see you again. We’ve missed you.” Before you could respond to the sweet words, he adds on another question. “Where’s Hawks?” You click your tongue, pretending to be annoyed.

“Is that all you guys care about?” You tease the kid while nudging his shoulder and glancing up at the clock to check the time. Simon looks embarrassed and apologizes sheepishly. “Don’t worry,” You wave off his concern while leading him back out into the lobby. “He should be here soon. I’ll introduce you to him.”

“He’s already here!” your boss’ voice comes out a little more high pitched than normal, apparently already flustered by the presence of your handsome boyfriend. Seeing him standing at the front desk with her brought back memories of when you’d first met him, and you could vividly recall being taken aback by his charming smile, bright red wings, and playful golden eyes as well. The moments you’d spent with him recently though were always short and stressful, so it was nice to have the freedom now to take a step back and really appreciate him again.

“Oh my god!” Simon whispers with his eyes wide in awe and you can’t help but laugh.

“I never took you for such a hero fanboy,” you tell him seriously.

“I’m not!” He replies while pointing both hands out at your boyfriend, “But it’s HAWKS!”

“Yes, it is,” you agree with amusement evident in your voice before looking to the winged man in question. “Hey bird-kun! How was the flight?”

“Not bad!” He smiles and pulls you over for a side hug, “But I missed you!” The comment earns a lighthearted laugh from you and you look up into his face to see a brightness in his eyes that you hadn’t seen in a while. You realize that being here, away from both his hero and villain duties, was just as liberating for him as it was for you. Even though his wings were still bugged and people were still monitoring his every action, there was a sense of calm knowing you weren’t being rushed to exchange any secret messages or worry about either of you being called back to work suddenly.

“You saw me this morning,” you reach up and pat his cheek with a smile before turning your focus back to the others standing around you. “This is Simon, by the way. He missed you the few times you were here before, and he’s been dying to meet you.”

“Hey Simon!” Hawks puts on his award winning grin before offering a gloved hand to the young man who had a weird look on his face as he glanced between you and the hero in front of him.

“Did you just call him… bird-kun?” The disturbed look on his face over hearing you address someone he looked up to in such a way makes you feel a little embarrassed which just encourages your boss to start on her antics.

“Well, they are dating,” she reminds the boy. “It’s not unusual that they would use cute nicknames for each other. I’m already excited for the day I get the wedding invitation in the mail.” Both you and Hawks were already used to her weird fascination with your relationship, so the inappropriate commentary didn’t really effect either of you at this point.

“Uh, right.” Simon puts an end to the weirdness by taking Hawks’ hand and shaking it once. “Thanks for being cool and protecting people and stuff.” Hawks thanks him for his support and Simon looks thrilled just to have the hero speaking to him at all. Technically, Hawks should’ve probably taken the chance to talk about the ideals of ‘quirk liberation’ that he was supposed to be spreading for the villains, but you were glad that he was holding back and giving you both the chance to live life normally for a change.

“Hey! Nobody has to go to work or school tomorrow right?” Hawks suddenly asks with an excited look on his face. “How about a fun evening out together on me?” You could tell by the looks on both your boss and Simon’s faces that they were already sold.

“What kind of fun evening?” You ask.

“Hmm,” Hawks puts a hand to his chin in thought. “How about dinner at that curry shop you took me to before, and then karaoke?”

“Okay!” Your boss agrees instantly and hops off to start closing up the facility for the day.

“You can sing?” You question him, feeling almost nervous to let loose too much after all the pressure you’d been under to stay in control of your words and actions for so long.

“Obviously! He’s a bird,” Simon was grinning excitedly now too.

“Exactly!” Hawks nods his head before sending you a wink, “I’m a bird.” Even though the action made you a little flustered, it felt nice to see this carefree side of Hawks again. You still worried that there was some ulterior motive behind the both of you having a weekend to yourselves, but you didn’t want to waste this chance to relax.

It turned out a ‘fun evening out’ was just what you’d needed. The owner of the curry shop had been just as pleased to see you again as your boss and Simon, and the familiar taste of the food reminded you that you were safe at home and it put you at ease. You could almost pretend the whole ordeal with the doctor and the villains was a long forgotten memory as you and Simon cried with laughter over seeing your boss teach Hawks the choreography to some weird J-pop song during karaoke. And at the end of the night, as you headed back to the hotel with Hawks’ arm around your shoulders, you couldn’t help but wish things could stay this simple.

“Thanks for suggesting such a great idea bird-kun,” You nuzzle into his side to stifle a yawn and avoid the chill of the winter air as you walk. “I haven’t had that much fun in a long time.”

“You work too hard,” he pulls you closer while curving his wings forward to block some of the wind. “It was nice to see you so relaxed and happy tonight. I know your boss and Simon are the people you work with, but I can tell that they’re also your trusted friends.”

“Yeah,” you nod your head in agreement. “I didn’t realize how much I missed seeing them every day.”

“They’re important people in your life,” Hawks says thoughtfully. “I really appreciate having the chance to spend time with them because learning more about the people close to you helps me get to know you a bit better as well.” The tone of his voice makes you wonder what point he was trying to get at.

“You’re an important part of my life too,” you say it just in case he needs that reassurance. “You know that, right?” The smile he sends you looks a bit forced. “Hawks?” It almost seemed like he’d flinched at the sound of his name and suddenly he stops walking and turns to give you his full attention.

“I think I just wish there were close friends and family in my life I could introduce you to,” he shrugs before pulling your face into his hands. “Then you could feel like you’re getting to know me a bit better too.”

You search his eyes for the hidden message you felt he was trying to send you. You didn’t think he was pretending to warn you that he was working for the villains because the look on his face was a bit too genuine for that, plus he would’ve given you a heads up if that was something he’d been planning. The only conclusion you could come to was that there were other things about him that you’d yet to learn. Things he wanted you to know, but was unable to share. It didn’t surprise you since you’d suspected that he was more complicated than he let on from the very first day you’d met him.

A tiny part of you felt hurt that he was still keeping secrets even after everything you’d been through, but the more rational part of your brain told you that you couldn’t hold it against him. Although you had been dating Hawks for a while now and had earned his trust enough to be involved with his undercover mission, that still didn’t change the fact that you hadn’t had many truly private conversations with him. Most of the time you’d spent together in the beginning had been in public settings for work, and you knew his wings had been bugged since before you’d even started working for the doctor. In addition to that, there’d hardly been any time recently for you both to sit down and have a serious talk about your relationship even if either of you had wanted to.

“I love you,” you tell him. It was simple and to the point, so hopefully he’d know not to worry too much about whatever he was concerned about you not knowing. The information he’d given you about his past had always sat a bit strangely with you, but for now you could live with his acknowledgement that there were things you still needed to know. He’d told you before in no uncertain terms that he’d always try to do the right thing, and had even backed up his words by coming to you for help when faced with the task of killing Best Jeanist. Whatever it was he was hiding, it didn’t change the good person you knew he was fundamentally.

“I love you too,” he responds even though there were still traces of uncertainty left in his eyes.

“Then smile!” You reach up and poke his cheek playfully. “Today was a good day!”

“It really was,” he chuckles softly before leaning in to kiss you softly. “Let’s have another one tomorrow.”

“You can bet on it,” you assure him as you continue your walk to the hotel. Hawks seemed to cheer up again after that, and you both were able to spend the rest of the night feeling thankful for what felt like a brief calm before a storm.

[spnfanficpond]

June 2020 Angel Fish Awards

(New Angel Fish design by @slytherkins!!)

Every month all of you fantastic writers work your asses off to post some truly incredible stories. Our Angel Fish Awards are the way for all of us, as a community of writers and readers, to lift each other up and give praise to those who have captured our attention and deserve a few kind words.

The monthly Angel Fish Awards are peer-nominated, meaning ANYONE IN THE POND CAN NOMINATE ANY POND MEMBER’S FIC. While the Pond was founded to support the Guppies, everyone in this community deserves to be showered with love and feedback, and we hope that by opening this up as a Pond wide system, we’ll be able to share the love as far as it can go.

NOTE: WE’VE BEEN HAVING OCCASIONAL PROBLEMS WITH ASKS GOING MISSING. Please use the Submit button when submitting your nominations and make sure you’re signed into Tumblr or your URL won’t show. (If the form asks for your name and email address, then you’re not signed in.) If you like, you can also send a message to Michelle @mrswhozeewhatsis or Mana @manawhaat to check and make sure we got your submission.

Be sure to read through this whole post as people who were nominated more than once only had one tag activated for tumblr tagging purposes!

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, HERE ARE JUNE’S ANGEL FISH AWARDS!

Nonimated by @thegirlwhorunswithwinchesters

I Thought You Were Going To Die (oneshot) by @fun-and-fandoms

My nominations for the month wouldn’t be complete without a little bit of angst. Though this one isn’t just that. If you’re easily triggered by mentions of depression and its symptoms, this one’s not for you. But it’s an important topic and I will always encourage any creator who uses their art to remind people it’s okay to talk about it. (Note from Kale, this was actually submitted in May but I missed it.) 

More to Me (oneshot) by @becs-bunker

No spoilers, but I’m so glad this ended the way it did. So sweet <3

Help  (oneshot) by @blushingjared

I came across this fic and was immediately intrigued. Then I started reading and I was captivated from the first sentence until the very last. The author did such a good job with setting the scene and painting the right picture.

Talking Bodies (oneshot) by @ne-gans

This AU-Sam is such a huge weakness of mine. That, in combination with this dangerously filthy masterpiece, is nothing short of perfection.

Nominated by @focusonspn

Into The Woods (series) by @amanda-teaches

So well written, interesting plot and great development. The chemistry between Y/N and Dean is also amazing, and I loved how this mini-series could be so easily part of the show. Totally worth reading.

Nominated by @thoughtslikeamindfield 

Stranger Than FanFiction (series) by @cherry3point14

The premise is similar to the film Stranger Than Fiction – a story about a story being written about you – and it’s just as hilarious. Also, Cherry Pie is still one of the funniest writers in this corner of SPN fandom.

“You’re not supposed to move your head if there’s someone trying to murder you, probably…”

No, I wouldn’t think so, but lollllll

“You’re being insane, out loud.”

Omgggg

“It tried, oh, how the door tried to divert her attention from the unknown men who could be terrible, rule-breaking influences on her. However the door was only wood and she was a stubborn woman made of free will and limbs—a woman who refused to be deceived.”

“Your hand is on the doorknob before the mention of your limbs has finished rattling around your head.  Realistically you don’t want to encourage the voice by doing what it says. After all, the voice’s ultimate goal seems to be killing you.”

BAHAHAHAH omfg you guys

I need to stop quoting from this bc I probably seem insane to those of you who haven’t read this, so stop being judgy buttheads and go read!

Nominated by @flamencodiva

The Choice (series) by @superfanficnatural

A couple of things. 1) this is an amazing fic that highlights Dean unwillingness to let himself go until it’s almost too late. and 2) the smut in this is hot hot hot hot! not for anyone under 18 years of age.

Mert has a way with words and can literally pluck you into one and make you see it as it comes to life in your head.

Mine (series) by @holylulusworld

Lulu has an abundance of different stories she tells and this one is my favorite of her ABO’s at the moment. (although I love all of them) I think this one deserved a mention. I am glad she joined to Pond so I could help nominate and spread her amazing work!

One Night at a Time (series) by @crashdevlin

Another great fic by Cassie! This one shot full of Angst, Smut, and if you squint just the right amount of Dean fluff. She has a way of capturing your attention and putting you in the world as you read.

What He Lost (oneshot) by @jensengirl83

This short story by Brandy is sure to rip your heart out. she leaves just a bit of hope where you think there is a chance only to crush it completely with the ending. This one is sure to bring you to tears if you are looking for the most delicious angsty story to read.

Nominated by @risingpheonix761

Down The Rabbit Hole (oneshot) by @dontshootmespence

So, this was hysterical. XD I love crack fics, and bad smut in particular, and this one hits the spot. (I’ve also learned several new horrible euphemisms lol). The ending, though? Golden!

Nominated by @myinconnelly1

The Affair (oneshot) by @holylulusworld

I love how well all the characters are portrayed I truly hate everyone except the reader! Well done!!  

Red Riding Hood - or how you ran into a wolf... (oneshot) by @holylulusworld

I have nothing to say about this. I will simply allow the puddle I have become to speak for me. 

Last Omega On Earth (oneshot) by @holylulusworld 

This was a great entry in the ABO world. and we need more of this and more like !!!!! Great work!

My Beta (oneshot) by @holylulusworld

I am a greedy little bitch with this fic.  I think I've read it 3-4 since i first read it this month!!!!!! READ THIS FIC!  

Third Period (oneshot) by @fictionalabyss

Some truly inspiring smut.  Inspiring to change my panties. 

Gods of Twilight (series) by @thecleverdame​

I think i posted this fic in my rec before, but it is so amazing and intricate that i can't stop gushing about it.  Fucking awesome. 

Apple Pie (oneshot) by @bad268​ 

The amazingness of this is great, check this guppy out!

Deal (oneshot) by @bad268 

Comedy at some of its's finest!!! 

Confession (oneshot) by @idreamofplaid

THE FLUFFFFFFF!!!! I don't read straight fluff.  So get the tissues ready.

Fallen (series) by idreamofplaid

My therapist has told me i'm not longer allowed to talk about this fic during our sessions.  So instead i shall now talk about it here... *pulls out soapbox* ahem... *gets pulled away with hook*

Memory (oneshot) by @idreamofplaid

This fic is older, but i love it so much.  I recently went back and reread it, and the angst and reconciliation in this fic are heartwrenching.

Home (oneshot) by @emilyshurley

My dentist bill the month was higher than normal, due to the new cavities caused by this fic.

Imperfectly Yours (oneshot) by @emilyshurley

Cuteness overload as you get Dean's perspective of Home ^^

Second Hand News (oneshot) by @emilyshurley

Alright listen. I am a glutton for punishment.  And this fic, I asked for.  Also i had it set within one of the universes we now own.  That all being said, reading this was like a dose of my own medicine and it fucking hurt.

Honesty And Lies (oneshot) by @crashdevlin

This was super dirty, and great.  Totally recommend. 

Nominated by @deanwinchesterswitch

The Classifieds (oneshot) by @talesmaniac89

This is rip your heart out and stomp on it angst right here. So well written, but so, so heartbreaking.

So Much More Than Perfect (oneshot) by @imagineteamfreewill

This fic is one of the sweetest things I’ve ever read. It made me tear up a bit, but who doesn’t love Dean being the most protective, most adorable dad ever?!

Nominated by @mariekoukie6661

Dear Dean (series) by @smol-and-grumpy

It’s one of those series that makes you wants more after every chapter. It’s a brilliant story.

Left Behind (series) by @kittenofdoomage

It’s the only John Fic I can read over and over and over again. Its hot, the plot is awesome! And it makes me wants more each and every time I read it.

Not Much Left (oneshot) by @impala-dreamer

I think Beka tries to kill her readers every time she writes smut… or she just tap into our mind what we want or what we fantasize about. Every single time I’m speechless by her talents!

Yes Professor (oneshot) by @impala-dreamer

It’s a Misha fic, there’s no one who write Misha the way Beka does!!!

Owe You One (series) by @supernatural-jackles

It’s such a great series! The friends with Benefit and Mechanic!Dean… I just love this so much and I don’t have words to describe how good this one is!!

Flirty In French (oneshot) by @fictionalabyss

This is brilliant, and I know its an old one, but from someone who finally decided to read more and from someone who is from Quebec, this is absolutely brilliant! The flirty french pick up line are so hilarious!

Nominated by @moosekateer13

Watching for Comets (series) by @holylulusworld

This fic beautifully captures the song that it was inspired by.

It also showcases things that when things are meant to be.

I’ll will all fall into place.

Please Trust Me (oneshot) by @holylulusworld

This fic beautifully emotionally captures what it’s like to have trust issues.

Nominated by @fictionalabyss

Last Call (oneshot) by @impala-dreamer 

It was everything we needed and wanted.

Culinary Exploits (oneshot) by @impala-dreamer  

Too utterly ridiculous not to get a mention.

His Omega (oneshot) by @iflostreturntosteverogers 

A sweet little comfort fic of Dean being utterly perfect caring for his Omega. Carrie also pulled off keeping this gender neutral, which isn’t something I see a lot of, and probably something I’d struggle with, so hats off to you, babe.

Poison (oneshot) by @supernatural-jackles 

YES omg i feel this on such a level. I’ve gone through that shit myself. A friend who lets you down so profoundly but then acts as if you’re the most toxic person in the world.  Nothing feels as good as letting go of that shit and moving on to better things. This was beautiful, and perfect, and TRUTH.

Amara (oneshot) by @impala-dreamer  

This one hurt. It really hurt, but it hurt so good that I’m left wanting more.

Take Me Now (oneshot) by @sorenmarie87  

If Dawn doesn’t continue this, I’ll riot.

Stuck On You (oneshot) by @kittenofdoomage  

I rarely read a fic this long (I just don’t usually have the time) but it looked too interesting for me to scroll past, and it had me completely captivated. I needed to know what would happen as if I needed air, even though I could guess how it ended, I needed to read the words. Phenomenal.

Thank you all for the awesome work and great feedback!

These are not actual awards! This system is set up so everyone in the pond has a chance to share the love and promote a fic/author that has grabbed your attention. The more people that participate, and the more everyone remembers to submit their own fics after posting, the better this will be :D

THANK YOU ALL AGAIN, KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK, AND AS ALWAYS, HAPPY WRITING!

[chiyohsrifle]

Got tagged by the marvelous @hvnnigram and I can't wait to bare my soul to you guys. this is a long one, so let's go!!

Rules: Tag people you want to get to know better 🖤

Your name and then what you would've named yourself: My full name is Montserrat (I'm Mexican, in case you couldn't tell. Well Mexican-American but anywho) but I typically go by Montse. Mainly cuz people struggle to pronounce my full name hehe but I also just think it's less of a mouthful. Idk, I honestly really love my name and don't think I'd change it given the chance. Maybe something shorter just cuz paperwork can be a bitch. I like Rene but otherwise, I'm pretty attached to my name lol.

Astrological sign (sun/moon/rising if you know them): I'm a sun Pisces, a moon Aries, and a rising Virgo, I believe :)) All in all, I'm an emotional, empathetic bitch

When did you join Tumblr and why?: Was going through my emails yesterday and I've been here for a year?? apparently. So yea, I joined Aug./Nov. of 2019 and I'm almost certain it was cuz I wanted to see more Good Omens fanart lol. But I got more active this year cuz quarantine do be forcing me to have some wack coping mechanisms. Also BBC Merlin had me reeling and I needed somewhere to scream.

Top 5 fandoms: Hannibal (obviously), BBC Merlin, Killing Eve, Good Omens, and The Umbrella Academy 😊

Top 5 favorite films: (oh Lord, the cinema buff in me is Panicking rn) God, there's so many I love but I'll try to give varietyTM. But I'm a Cheerleader (1999), Parasite (2019), The Wind Rises (2013), Little Shop of Horrors (1986), and Hector and the Search for Happiness (2014).

Go to song when you wanna Feel something: if we're talking like emotionally charged, TALK ME DOWN by Troye Sivan always sends me reeling. Endorphins wise, Ahora Te Puedes Marchar by Luis Miguel always makes me wanna jump and move around. And La Vie Boheme from RENT, just pure serotonin

What's your religion or faith, if you have one?: I was raised with a heavy Catholic background but I'm agnostic, I believe is the term. Basically, I don't think there's not a God or higher power(s). I just don't align with anything specifically. But I do believe there's something running things, whether that be spirits, the stars, gods, etc. I can't say.

A song that makes you feel seen: Not to be a theatre kid on main but, Breathe from In The Heights. That song and whole musical hold such a special place in my heart, esp with Nina's character cuz I'm Nina. Every part of that song just Gets Me and i ugh, can't articulate it but yea, that song be me.

If you could pick a career: A writer or painter. Anything creative/artsy really cuz crafting is just so calming to me.

Do you have a type?: ngl, I'm kinda the 'falls in love with their best friend' stereotype but beyond that, not really. I kinda just see attractive people and mentally short circuit

What does your soul/heart yearn for?: Not to sound like a character from Hannibal, but to be understood. To be cared for and feel supported. To allow myself to rest and be comforted/loved. Just to feel safe ig. Whoop, that got personal, anywho

If you had to describe yourself in 5 words to someone who doesn’t know you: intelligent, caring, awkward, Very Queer, and chaotic

Favorite subject in school: English and History!! I think they're absolutely fascinating and I'm gay so obviously I connect way too much with literature

Where does your soul feel most at home at?: Close to someone that I love, in comfortable silence. Or any situation where I have wind blowing in my face, it's super comforting and idk why

Top 5 fictional characters: Rowena from SPN, Bella Crawford, Beverly Katz, Eve Polastri, and Jack Crawford

Top 3 moments in a show that made you ugly cry:

1. The ending of Your Lie In April. Idk if any of yall have experienced that, but let me know if you have cuz shared trauma. I was crying so hard, I couldn't breathe. Dry heaving and everything, it was Not Pretty

2. Like literally all of One Day At Time. I know, it's cheesy but that show means a lot to me and I get so emotional watching it cuz I connect to the characters so much. Anything with Elena makes me sob cuz like she's me but also my baby, ya know

3. Um Queer Eye in general but specifically the episode with the gay pastor. That hit close to home on so many levels and boy, was I sobbing the entire time.

(Before y'all ask, honorable mention to Mizumono, TWOTL, and the ending of BBC Merlin cuz I may have been too tired to cry, but trust me, I was emotionally wrecked after all three)

The earth, the sun, the moon, or the stars: Ooh, I'm gonna have to go with the stars but I love that lesbian space rock too

Favorite kind of weather: Thunderstorms, rain, cloudy, grey weather. Fall, I love the fall, give me autumn pleASE

Top 3 characters to kin you with: Guinevere Pendragon from BBC Merlin, Vanya Hargreeves from TUA, and Abigail Hobbs from Hannibal

Favorite medium of art: I love all art very much but I guess drawing and film especially

Introvert/Extrovert/Ambivert: Gonna say ambivert cuz I can be shy but buckle up, cuz the second I'm comfortable around you, it's absolute chaos. You will learn too much about me and that's okay 😌

Favorite literary quote: If poetry counts, it's something like "And if the devil was to ever see you, he'd kiss your eyes and repent". Idk who wrote it but it's an Arabic love poem. Actual book quote tho, "But I'm tired of coming out. All I ever do is come out. I try not to change, but I keep changing, in all these little ways." from Simon vs. The Homosapiens Agenda cuz damn me too.

Some of your favorite books: Simon vs. The Homosapiens Agenda by Becky Albertalli, the Carry On series by Rainbow Rowell, When I Was Puerto Rican by Esmeralda Santiago, Fun Home by Alison Bechdel, All The Bright Places by Jennifer Lee, Autoboygraphy, and Copper Sun

If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?: Europe or New York. No real specifics for Europe, defiently leaning more towards Western Europe and the Mediterranean cuz they just seem so pretty. And NY cuz I want a studio apartment hehe and also I adore NY. I went a couple years back and just fell in love. Although live is a loose term cuz I've always thought of moving around a lot. I like traveling and settling down isn't really convenient for that so these are kinda just ideals lol

If you could live in any time in history, when would it be?: Oh, defiently 60s/70s. Also, anytime matriarch societies were common cuz I wanna see what that looked like

If you could play any instrument masterfully, it would be: the acoustic guitar and piano. Maybe violin, but those two for sure

If you have one, which god or goddess do you feel more connected to?: I've always really vibed with Athena so her. But also Diyonuses cuz man's is the ideal.

And finally, your favorite recent selfie in your camera role:

(Excuse the eye bags and look in general, I was sleepy when I took it)

Whoo, that's all folks. I'm just gonna say that any of my followers/mutuals who want to do this, feel free to say I tagged you. Thanks for tag, once again, babe!!

[peteywillproceed]

“We Were On A Break!” - Part 2

Author’s Note: It’s here! I’ve been so excited to upload this! Thank you again for all the amazing support so far, I can’t believe we hit a hundred followers already! You’re all so so amazing! As usual, let me know if you wanna be added to my tag list, and I hope you enjoy x

Summary: Tom might’ve broken your heart, but the prospect of you moving to another country changes everything (kinda Friends TV show crossover!)

Word Count: 4,720

Read Part 1 First

Turns out, you wouldn’t.

Mostly because Tom couldn’t keep his hands off alcohol. But also because he couldn’t keep his promises either.

Your eyes fluttered open to face an empty bed. It was cold and the covers were gone, and you felt a little furrow of confusion work its way through your brow. You were used to waking up alone when you’d been together, but some how you’d thought this might change things – that he might finally do the half decent thing and bring you some coffee.

But the open door reminded you that to Tom, you’d never be someone he brought coffee to. You were the person that fixed him up when he was pissed, told him how great he was when he was sad. Yet when it came to you, he couldn’t even find it in his heart to stay a little while.

“Tom?” you called, frustration and sleep coating your voice. You groaned, feeling your muscles protest as you sat up, grimacing at the tight jeans and unforgiving fabric of last night’s clothes. You were still half hoping he might just be in the bathroom, but when loud voices drifted up the stairs, cheers from boys still a little drunk from the night before ringing in your ears, you wondered how you’d let him suck you into this in the first place.

In a huff, you threw yourself out of the bed and grabbed your jacket, double checking none of the sneaky bastards downstairs had helped themselves to your purse. A glance at your phone reminded you you’d never told Sarah where you’d ended up last night, and even Cameron had blown it up with calls. Regardless, you’d missed your first lecture, and you wanted to curse Tom for getting under your skin again.

Poking your head out of the door, you wondered if you could just make a dash for it down the stairs. Doing the walk of shame at 10am in the morning when the only thing you had to be ashamed of was how gullible you were wasn’t exactly an experience you were thrilled about, but here you were. You started sneaking away as fast as you could, making it to the door before a familiar voice stopped you in your tracks.

“Y/n? What are you doing here?”

“Hey, Harrison,” you sighed, dropping the handle in defeat. You glanced past his shoulder to make sure no one else had heard him and put a finger to your lips.

“Are you and Tom back together?” he whispered, eyes lighting up in excitement, and you hastily shook your head.

“No way. I made a mistake last night, probably not the one you think. Now would you save me the embarrassment of having to talk to him?”

Harrison raised an eyebrow, folding his arms as he poked his cheek with his tongue. “You want me to let my best friend make a stupid arse mistake and let you go?”

“Yes?” you said, voice filled with hope, internally screaming as he rolled his eyes.

“Hurry up then, I guess. He’s gonna go for his morning run in about thirty seconds.”

Throwing your head back in relief, you grinned at him and gave him a thumbs up, twisting the handle and darting from the house just in time. As the door clicked shut, you caught the remnants of Harrison brushing off a confused Tom, covering your back as he told him it was just the postman.

As you practically ran down the street, you tried to push Tom to the back of your mind. He was the last person you wanted to deal with right now, and whatever games he was playing could wait. You had bigger priorities right now, and you intended to not let Tom push you about anymore. That was the last time you let him write the rules; from now on, you were in charge.

You turned left at the end of the street, shoving your way into the familiar café on the high street. Your brain was all kinds of messed up, and before you could even start to think about processing last night you needed a huge mug of coffee and the internet.

“Hey, Gunther,” you smiled, ignoring the awe struck look he gave you. “Medium americano to sit in please.”

“Sure, Y/n. No Sarah today? I, uh, kept the sofa free for you.” You followed where he pointed, but there was basically no need for his reserved sign. The café was practically empty.

“Err thanks. But I just need a computer today.”

“Sure, sure. On the house, I’ll bring your drink over in a bit.” He winked at you as you started over towards the computer bar and nabbed the one closest to the radiator, relief washing over you as warmth covered your frozen body.

You tapped your leg impatiently as you waited for it to boot up, annoyed you’d forgotten your phone charger. You were waiting on what could have been the most important email you’d ever receive in your life, and the deadline was last night. You’d been meaning to keep an eye on it all night, but then things had gotten weird with Tom and you’d just forgotten about it.

Studying physics was the hardest but most rewarding thing you’d ever done, but you were graduating and you needed somewhere to keep pushing your mind. So when your professor had brought up that he needed an assistant to work on a PhD program with him in France, you’d jumped at the chance – travel the world, and get an awesome qualification at the same time. All you’d needed was the funding, and today was the day you would know if everything you’d worked for was coming true.

You were holding your breath as the gmail screen loaded, barely acknowledging Gunther’s comment as he set your coffee down beside you. All you could focus on was the string of black text crossing your screen as your eyes scanned the page and took in what it was saying.

“Dear Miss Y/l/n, congratulations, we are delighted to award you the grant to support your further studies in Paris – OH MY GOD!” You screamed in amazement, choking back sobs as all three of the people in the café turned to stare at you. Jesus, you’d done it. Actually done it. You were going to Paris! PARIS! To study the stars! For free!

Your heart was pounding and you could hear the blood racing in your ears. In a haze of blissful amazement, you snatched your phone of the table to call your mum, before remembering it was dead. You could hardly remember getting to your feet and rushing towards the café’s landline, punching in the only number you could remember.

“Y/n? Oh my god! Where’ve you been? We’ve been so worried, we even called your mum thinking you were back there!” Sarah’s panicked voice screamed through the phone, and you wondered how on earth she knew it was you calling.

“Shh, Sarah, shh just be quiet for a sec, okay? I did it! I got the grant! I’m going to Paris!”

There was stunned silence on the other end of the phone, before she too erupted into a set of screams so deafening you had to hold the phone away from your ear. “Y/n that’s amazing! I’m so happy for you! Have you told your mum?”

“No, my phone’s dead and yours was the only number I could remember!” You giggled, relieved to hear Sarah burst into laughter too.

“Oh God, maybe you should call her. She thinks you’ve been kidnapped!”

You rang off quickly, slumping against the wall, overwhelmed by the whole morning. In just the space of a few hours, you’d gone from utterly humiliated to high on happiness and amazement. You’d worked so hard for this, put in so many extra hours just to get half way to where you were today. And here were the results, your future, all laid out in front of you like a pretty picture.

You were going to Paris, to do something you’d always dreamed of doing, ex-boyfriend be damned.

***

A few days later, you were spread out on your bed, putting away the last of your revision notes when you heard the knock on your bedroom door. Figuring it was Sarah who’d forgot her keys, you turned down the music you had playing softly in the background, and called out to her.

“You’d forget your head if it wasn’t screwed on, numpty,” you laughed, snatching the keys off her desk and heading towards the door.

“Err, actually Y/n, it’s me.”

Your hand froze halfway to the door handle, your body rigid with a strange concoction of fear and excitement. You hadn’t heard his deep, velvety voice since last week, and you hated the way the sound sent shivers through your body. You could almost picture him, slumped against the door frame, his fist hovering over the ‘do not disturb’ sign in his usual deliberate ignoring of the rules.

“What, Tom?” you sighed, flinging the door open. God, you didn’t have time for this. You were leaving for Paris in just over a week and you still hadn’t packed half your stuff.

“Can I talk to you a minute?” he asked, his face unreadable. If he was anything, you would have said he looked scared, and the realisation made you start with the shock of seeing him anything other than cocky.

“If you make it quick, I’m busy,” you snapped, standing to one side to let him in.

“Thanks.”

You clicked your tongue and let the door slam shut, folding your arms as he started looking around your room. He trailed his hands over your bed, and you shuddered at the unwelcome memories that flooded your head, the feeling of his cool fingers against your skin and the familiar, lustful stare he’d always had drowning out any sense of resolve you thought you’d had.

Somehow, you pulled it together enough you jerk him out of his trance. “Well?”

“You’re going to Paris?” he spun around, his tone so accusatory you wanted to slap him. What right did he have to have feelings about your future? When he’d given all that up with just a few words months ago?

“If you must know, yes, I am. It’s for a PhD.”

He snorted and you grit your teeth, about to kick him out if he said anything stupid. “Good, that’s…good. I know you always wanted to do that.”

“Thanks.”  You let out the breath you hadn’t realised you’d been holding and pursed your lips.

He looked to the side, hunching his shoulders as if he had far more to say but didn’t know if it was smart to say it. You could see the indecision in his eyes, feeling quietly pleased your choice had unsettled him; finally, he was the one being wrong footed.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Well, I didn’t realise I had to run every decision I made by my ex-boyfriend,” you rolled your eyes, restraining yourself from snapping too much.

“It hurt a lot hearing it from Harrison.”

You nodded, but you couldn’t quite bring yourself to feel sympathetic. You didn’t know why he felt like he had such a right to your life, when he’d made it blatantly clear he didn’t want to be a part of it anymore. You fiddled with the rings on your fingers at his comments, trying to clear your head enough to form a coherent answer.

“I can’t say I’m sorry, Tom,” you sighed at last, and he nodded. “I don’t know what you want me to say if I’m honest. You ended things and I’m moving on. I’ve got things to be getting on with and they don’t involve you, so I don’t feel overly inclined to keep you updated on my schedule.”

As you spoke, you could feel the anger bubbling up inside you, and you fought to keep it down. You’d worked so hard to make things right, to make it seem like you couldn’t give a damn anymore, and you refused to crumble at the last hurdle.

“I get that,” he nodded. “When did you find out?”

“Last week.”

“And when did you tell Harrison?”

“Last week,” you shrugged, meeting his eye with a steely glare. You were beginning to get annoyed with all of his questions, because he hadn’t even told you what he was doing here. All he’d done so far was waltz in and throw questions at you left, right, and centre, like the entitled prick you’d never thought he was.

“Was he okay with it?” Tom touched his cheek, drawing your eyes to the brief contact, and you shook your head.

“Does it matter, Tom? If you’re so interested, ask him yourself.”

“I wanted to hear it from you.”

“I don’t know why,” you spread your arms wide “you’ve not exactly called since the last time we saw each other. I’m not someone you can just call when you need me and then dump me the next day. If you’re here to do that, then you can piss off now.”

“Of course I’m not here for that!” Tom’s mouth fell open and he sounded genuinely shocked at what you were saying.

“Then why are you here?” you threw your head back, exhausted already from this conversation and wanting nothing more than to run far away.

“I…don’t know,” Tom admitted, collapsing onto your bed. “After you disappeared the other night, I figured that was the end of us, that I’d really blown it that time. I wanted to call you, to set things straight, but you’d made it so clear in the past that you wanted nothing to do with me that I thought maybe it was for the best.”

“Well clearly you changed your mind,” you eyed him, but his words caught at your heart strings.

“I did. I honestly did. I can’t stop thinking about you, Y/n. You’re in my dreams, in my thoughts, hell I can’t go a minute without something reminding me of you, and when Harrison told me about you leaving...” he gulped, leaving his sentence unfinished and glanced up, red rimming his eyes. You stepped towards him and tentatively put your hand on his shoulder, not sure what to say.

“You’re telling me all of this a bit late. And to be honest, after the way you’ve behaved, I’m not sure I believe you.”

“And you have every right not to,” Tom was suddnely on his feet, inches from your face. Your breathing hitched and he swallowed audibly, his hand reaching up to cup your face. “But know that I’m not here to trick you or mislead you, I’m here as one hundred percent myself, and I’m trying to fix the biggest mistake I ever made.”

The contact made you shiver, drawing you further into Tom’s arms. A thousand thoughts swirled in your head as you stared into the deep chocolate pools you’d once known every inch of. Everything about him was intoxicating, from the slippery velvet words that came from his lips to the deep, woody pine smell that made you want to bury your head into every jumper he owned. You were drowning in Tom, and just for a minute you forgot everything that had happened.

All that you remembered was the here and now, the silence stretching for miles between you as you were locked in his embrace. He was inching closer, and your heart was pounding faster, threatening to burst from your chest in an all-consuming, blinding explosion. You weren’t breathing, hardly moving, as he tilted your chin towards him and brought his hand to tangle in your hair. His fingers threaded through the knots with ease, the familiarity a surprise to you as your eyes fluttered closed at his touch. You were moments away from kissing him, and God you wanted to.

But wanting was not the same as needing.

You stepped back abruptly, watching hurt cross Tom’s face as swiftly as though you’d plunged a knife into his chest. You tried to say something, anything, but the words got caught in your throat, and instead you were breathing hard and gasping for air, the sudden loss of contact a shock. How did you explain to him how you felt? Now you were the one that had ripped away something good, something beautiful, and being on the other side of it felt awful.

But you knew, you were certain, that kissing Tom would only bring you more hurt than you’d already had, and you weren’t sure your heart could take anymore.

“I’m…I’m sorr…sorry,” you stuttered, feeling hot tears start sliding down your face.

Tom shook his head slowly and looked down at the floor. You weren’t certain, but you were almost positive you’d seen the glassy covering of tears just about to fall. “It’s alright.”

“I, um, I think you should go,” you mumbled, twiddling with your fingers. Your heart had broken so many times over this guy that you just wanted to let yourself be alone for once, to feel and suffer and wallow in the overwhelming sadness and heart break that followed you and Tom wherever you went. Perhaps this time, it would finally teach you a lesson.

He met your eyes with a desperate look, but this time he didn’t close the space between you. The anticipation hung in the air as you both waited for the other to make a move, and suddenly the overwhelming urge to run towards him and kiss him until you couldn’t breathe took over your rational brain. You fought it down with a harsh wipe of your cheek, feeling the tackiness of the tears there drying on your palm.

At last, Tom nodded, and started towards the door, grabbing the jacket he’d tossed over the chair. “Y/n?” he glanced over his shoulder.

“Yeah?” you said at last, barely looking him in the eye.

“For what it’s worth, I really am sorry.”

And then he was gone, disappearing from your room as quickly as he’d come without so much as a goodbye. As soon as the door had slammed shut, you felt your heart shatter, and you fell to the floor as your knees gave way, all the strength you’d held suddenly ebbing away.

Tears poured down your reddened face, your hands thrust into your hair as you sobbed into your knees. You curled them into your chest, desperately pulling yourself close in an attempt to shut out the encroaching world that had crushed your fragile body so many times over. It seemed unfair, almost cruel, that this was happening again – you were reliving that horrible night all over again, and you just wanted it to stop.

This was supposed to be a good day. A positive day. Where you’d moved on and were planning for an exciting future. Except now you’d been stripped right back to core, your emotions exposed and everything torn to shreds. Your heart was laying naked somewhere in Tom’s palms, your tears running through the cracks in his skin. Because as much as you hated to admit it, there was still a part of you that longed to chase after him, beg him to stay.

And it was the very part of you that had destroyed you.

***

Departure day came quicker than you’d expected, and you were still reeling from Tom. Harrison and Sarah came with you to say goodbye, their hugs lingering as you stood in the departure lounge.

“I’m gonna miss you!” Sarah sobbed, scraping at her cheeks as fresh tears rolled down them.

“Not as much as I’m gonna miss you,” you laughed. “But you can come visit any time you like.”

“That better be the same for me too, Miss Y/l/n,” Harrison smirked, pulling you into his arms.

“What? You’re the British one here, Harrison, you can make a day trip whenever you fancy!”

“Consider that done,” he winked, and you swatted him on the arm. You exchanged a look with him as the laughter died, both knowing he wouldn’t have been the only British boy with you today if things had gone differently.

“For what it’s worth, Y/n, I’m sure he would have come,” Harrison sighed, stroking your arm.

“Yeah, right,” Sarah scoffed “he didn’t call, didn’t text, just left her there on the floor after ripping her heart out again.”

“Tom’s an idiot, we all know that, but he’s decent when he’s not being stupid.”

“Unfortunately, he’s being stupid most of the time,” you muttered, glancing down at your phone one last time in the hopes he might have changed his mind. But the screen was still blank, just your regular old Spiderman background staring you in the face.

Suddenly, a voice came over the tannoy, and dread filled your stomach. “This is the last call for flight 217 to Paris, France. Please proceed to Gate 48.”

“Well, that’s me,” you gulped, turning to your friends with wide eyes. “Is it normal to be this scared?”

“Moving to another country all by yourself? Of course it is,” Harrison smiled warmly, and you trusted him the most. After all, he’d done it four years ago. “But you’ll be back for graduation next month. By then you’ll have forgotten all of the nerves and you’ll be a proper Parisian.”

You laughed and gathered your bags, giving them one final hug before starting towards the gate. “I love you guys!” You called over your shoulder.

“We love you too!”

You disappeared into passport control, fear filling your stomach. That was it, the last sighting of any familiar faces for a very long time, and it was of Harrison answering the phone. As you handed your passport over to the stern looking lady at the booth, you couldn’t help but wonder if what Harrison said was true, if being a Parisian really was that simple. It didn’t seem it, but if Tom could make a new life in a completely different country, then you sure as hell could to.

Tom. Oh God. You hadn’t wanted to think about him. Not now, when any thought of him previously had left you a crippling mess and unable to talk. Numbly, you took your passport back and wandered into the concourse, looking for directions to Gate 48. Anything to distract you from what might have been.

When you finally found your gate, your head was still full of thoughts of Tom and everything you should’ve said, and the lady checking your boarding pass had to ask you three times before you registered she was talking to you.

“Is everything okay, love?” she asked, stamping the ticket.

“Oh, yeah,” you shrugged “just a lot going on right now I guess.”

“Yeah, I’d say so. You only just got here in time, take off is in fifteen minutes.”

“Thanks,” you smiled, but it didn’t reach your eyes, and she stuck her hand out as you tried to walk past.

“Guy trouble?” she narrowed her eyes and you jumped in shock.

“How did you-?”

“Oh please, I see enough young men and women walking through these gates every day looking a little lost. And Paris? Is there any please more obvious to go to for a broken heart?”

“I thought it was the city of love?” you raised an eyebrow, and the woman laughed.

“Of course darling, that’s why it’s perfect for heartbreak.”

Her words rattled around in your skull, ‘darling’ working its way through the layers of iron around your heart and embedding itself into the tissue. That was what he had called you. You hadn’t thought about the word in days, and here this woman was, so casually saying it, as if you hadn’t had your heart torn in two by the very man who practically invented the word.

Images of Tom swam before your eyes, the brown curls and dimpled smile nestling into your mind. You felt tears prick in your eyes as the memory of his voice swirled through his ears, so realistic you could’ve sworn he was right next to you.

“Wait!”

It was so random, it was like he was there. You could hear him yelling, a cruel trick your mind was determined to play, and yet it was so real.

“Y/n, please, wait!”

He sounded out of breath, but at the sound of your name you spun around in surprise, dropping your rucksack in shock as Tom came sprinting through the crowd. He was wearing his usual black t-shirt and jeans, but he was clutching a small strip of paper and racing towards you.

“Y/n!”

“Is that you?” the woman who’d stamped your ticket asked with a knowing smile.

“Tom?” your mouth fell open “what are you doing here?”

He skidded to a stop, the eyes of hundreds of passengers trained on him as he bent double and gasped for breath. “I…couldn’t…let…you…leave…without saying…goodbye.”

“What?” you balked, not sure what to say. Your flight was leaving in less than ten minutes – of course Tom would cock this up for you.

“Y/n, please, please don’t go,” he gripped your shoulders, pulling you against his chest. At first, you resisted, but at the sight of his pleading eyes and desperate voice, you collapsed against you, and his chin fell on your head. “Oh God, I thought I’d missed you.”

“How’d you even get in here?” you asked.

“Bought a ticket.”

“You did what?”

“Apparently I’m on the second flight out to Canada now,” he grinned, stepping away from you.

“You did all that to ask me to stay?” your mouth moved before you could think, but Tom was nodding vigorously, still panting.

“I got the wrong airport at first, then I rang Haz and he told me you’d just gone into passport control. I figured I had enough time to make it, but then I got here and your flight wasn’t on the departures board.” So that was the phone call Haz had taken as you’d left.

“You know, asking me to stay isn’t possible, Tom,” you sighed as reality hit you like a truck “I’ve got a job to do, and I want this so badly. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Asking me to give all that up for you when you broke my heart is…a lot.”

“I know, I know. Okay, look, don’t stay then. But let me follow you.”

“Tom…” you started, shaking your head “this is all so complicated.”

“Well let me make it less complicated for you then,” he said, and suddenly you were kissing, and stars were exploding behind your closed eyes. His lips moved with yours, sending sparks of electricity racing through your veins. Your skin crawled as a thousand fires spread across your body, heat warming your chilled bones. It was everything you needed and didn’t want at the same time, but it felt right, it felt good, and suddenly you knew you should have kissed him the day he’d come to your dorm.

When you broke apart, the lady at the desk was clearing her throat as the final warning bell sounded. “Miss Y/l/n, are you boarding this plane or not?”

You glanced between her and Tom, the prospect of the future or the enticement of the past. You knew what would win out, you were too sensible to give into a guy who’d just run through an airport for you – but there was no reason you couldn’t have both.

“I am,” you nodded, picking up your rucksack and smiling at Tom, whose eyes had widened slightly. “There’s another flight out in two hours. Change your ticket and come with me.”

“Will you meet me there?” he called out as you started walking backwards.

“I’ll be waiting,” you replied, blowing him a kiss. Suddenly, everything felt right again. Maybe Tom would break your heart again, maybe he wouldn’t. But the prospect of forever didn’t mean much right now, you were too busy living your life. All that could come – for now, you just had to focus on your future and taking one step at a time. If Tom was really that serious about you, he’d show it soon enough.

And if he didn’t? Well then, you’d be okay with that too. Because something told you, as you walked away, that whatever was to come would be brilliant.

And you couldn’t wait to find out what it was.

Taglist

@zabdisamor @jinxfanfics @jillanaholland

[ghstandpucks]

Misguided Ghost Ch.5

A.N.: Thanks for the support everyone! Let me know if you are enjoying the story :) 

Doin’ Time

The whole table was laughing at a story Billy was telling. We had been at the bar for about 4 hours now, just sharing stories and hanging out. It was nice to feel like I had made some friends. I was nursing my third beer, trying not to show how much I was actually feeling it. “So Y/N, how are you feeling about being apart of the crew?” Billy asked.

           “Good!” I said a little too quickly, causing the table to snicker. Zak reached over and grabbed my beer. I looked at him shocked and took it back. “Excuse you, I am fine!” Zak chuckled as I turned back to Billy and the group. “I mean, I’ve only been around for like two days, but beside this one,” I motioned to Zak with my thumb, “the guys have been nice and welcoming and I’m loving looking at all the history of the places you guys are considering investigating,” I finished with a smile. They were all either nodding or laughing at what I said, even Zak.

“We are happy to have you Y/N. And with that being said, I think it’s time to head home,” Nick said while Veronique grabbed her purse. Everyone decided it was time to head out and home, considering it was almost midnight. I walked with Aaron and Zak toward the front.

           “You didn’t drive, did you Y/N?” Aaron asked. I shook my head no.

           “I can take you home. I’m already driving Aaron,” Zak offered.

           “It’s ok. I can call an uber. I don’t want to make you go out of your way,” I replied, taking my phone out of my purse and opening the uber app.

           “No, seriously it’s fine. I don’t mind,” Zak insisted. I looked up at him and he gave me a soft smile. I nodded my head and smiled back, thanking him.

           “Let’s go little one,” Aaron wrapped his arm around my shoulder as we followed Zak to his Jeep. I giggled and wrapped my arm around his waist. I insisted that I sat in the back since I was smaller, although Aaron offered the front to me. Once we were in and settled, I gave Zak my address and he started to drive. As we were driving, Lana Del Rey’s remake of Doin’ Time came on the radio, and being that I was in a tipsy state of mind, I decided to sing out loud. Now I am in no way a singer, but I didn’t think I sounded that bad, until Zak turned the radio station.

           “Hey, turn it back!” I yelled from the back seat as Aaron was getting his phone out and laughing. Zak chuckled and turned the station back on.  I realized at this point Aaron was recording and sang louder, looking directly at his phone. “Evil, I've come to tell you that she's evil, most definitely. Evil, ornery, scandalous and evil, most definitely.” I was dancing in my seat. Aaron turned his phone back to himself.

           “I’m pretty sure she is the farthest thing from evil,” he chuckled, making Zak laugh too. I was having too much fun with the song that once it was over, I saw a notification from Instagram on my phone. Aaron had tagged me in his story.

           “Wait Aaron you didn’t!” I screeched, opening it and watching myself sing off key and wiggle around in the seat.

           “Oh I did!” He replied proudly. Zak laughed and I made a mental note to actually watch how much I drank next time. I wasn’t drunk, but definitely had the liquid courage to make an idiot out of myself. I hid my face in my hands, laughing and muttering ‘oh my God, what have I done!’

           “Don’t worry Y/N, it was cute,” Zak winked through the mirror at me. I saw Aaron raise an eyebrow at him, and then turn back to me.

           “We’ll do an Aaron’s vlog soon and I’ll introduce you as a team member,” he said, as I noticed we turned into my complex.

           “Ok, sounds good,” I was still blushing at Zak’s comment. We pulled up to my apartment and I hopped out of the car. “Thank you Zak, I appreciate the ride! Have a good night you guys!” I shut the door as they said good night as well, Zak waiting for me to actually get into my place before taking off. I thought it was sweet that he wanted to make sure I was safe. I jumped in the shower and drank a glass of water, feeling the buzz slowly leave me. I crawled under my covers in bed and fell asleep, looking forward to seeing the guys on Monday and hoping that Zak meant what he said about calling it truce.

~ ~ ~

           Monday morning came quicker than expected. I spent the rest of my weekend putting the final touches on my apartment and going grocery shopping. I even went to a yoga class on Sunday, signing up for a membership at the studio. Aaron had sent me a text with screen shots of messages from the insta-story post. A lot of speculation on who I was and if I was dating either of them. That made me laugh.

           Today was a little chilly in Vegas, so I opted for wearing a purple dress with grey tights and a cream cardigan. Threw on my brown boots and took off to work. I went to my office and started up my laptop when Aaron burst in. “Aaron’s vlog! To answer all your questions about who that girl was in my insta-story on Friday, it was our new GAC historian, Y/N!” he said then turned his phone toward me. I sat there shocked for a second, then giggled and waved. ‘Say something’ Aaron mouthed.

           “Sorry for my terrible singing guys! Hopefully my research makes up for it!” I gave a thumbs up and Aaron stopped recording.

           “Your singing wasn’t terrible,” he stated. I rolled my eyes.

           “You don’t have to be nice,” I smiled at him.

           “Well someone enjoyed it,” he wiggled his eyebrows. I immediately looked at Zak’s office. Thankfully he was on the phone and not paying attention. Looking back at Aaron I blushed at his grin.

           “Go away,” I shooed him out of my office as he let out a chuckle. The rest of the day was pretty uneventful for the most part. I was working on a site with a particularly gruesome past when Zak walked into my office, face in his phone. He sat down in the chair in front of my desk as I stared at him expectantly. “Can I help you?” I asked.

           “No,” he muttered, still texting. I decided to ignore him and go back to my work. A few seconds later he spoke up. “This office feels calmer than it did before you got here.” I looked up at him to find him staring at me, brows scrunched up.

           “Spearmint and eucalyptus air freshener,” I pointed toward the wall outlet where my diffuser was. I love Aromatherapy from Bath and Body Works. Zak nodded and started looking around my space from his chair. “Is everything alight?” I asked him after about five more minutes of us sitting in silence. Zak smiled softly at me.

           “Sorry, am I bothering you?”

           “No. I just don’t know why you’re in here,” I smiled back.

           “I was coming to tell you about our travel arrangements for our investigation this week. I was just getting the last details when I came in,” he said. I nodded, urging him to continue. “Your office just has a calming vibe. Sorry I spaced out.”

           “It’s fine. So what’s up with the travel plans?” I asked. Zak let me know that we would be driving to Utah, where we were going was only about 4 hours away. They would pick me up from my house at 9am on Wednesday, Thursday we would have our walk through and conduct interviews, and then the lockdown was set for Friday. We would come back Sunday seeing as they would probably be drained to drive back Saturday.

           “Sounds great! I’m excited!” I clapped my hands together, making Zak grin at me.

           “Hopefully you’re still saying that when you’re being locked in with us.” I rolled my eyes.

           “As I said during my interview, I won’t promise that I won’t scream if something happens, but I should be just fine,” I laughed his comment off. To be honest, I was a bit nervous. Excited because I loved to travel, but nervous about the hauntings.

Zak stayed in my office for a while, working off of his phone. I would tell him something about what I was looking up every so often and he always looked intrigued. By the end of the day he had his laptop sitting on my desk, sending emails. He claimed the smell of my room was keeping him. I told him he could take it to his office if he liked it that much, but he shook his head and made himself comfortable on the other side of my desk. I looked over my laptop at him before I closed it, and noticed his shoulders seemed more relaxed and he didn’t seem as tense. He had also been nice to me all day. I know we made a truce, but I wasn’t really expecting this much progress all at one time. I made a quick order of another air diffuser to put in his office, and packed up my stuff. I walked out with the guys as we left to go home for the evening, noticing that Zak stayed right by me. I shrugged it off, maybe he was just getting used to me. When I said goodbye to Aaron though, he raised his eyebrow, then sent me a wink. I shook my head and shrugged. Maybe Zak and I could be the best of friends after all. I mean, he was just being nice. Right?      

[justanotherdeadgirlwalking]

That is Just the Saddest F**king Thing I Have Ever Heard.

TW obviously DEH is about a kid’s suicide, so it has those themes

other parts :)

Part Three.

I’ve been alone in the room for what feels like hours now. Doctors and nurses keep coming and going, pricking me with needles and giving me medicine to take, taking my vitals, and asking me how I feel. Rate my mental state on a scale of 1 to 10. I feel fine, I just want to get the fuck out of here. They could’ve at least put me in a room with a TV or given me a magazine or a book or something, literally anything. I’m so bored. If I didn’t lose my mind already, I definitely will if I have to spend another minute in this room. The only thing keeping me company is the beeping of the heart monitor, and the hissing of the air unit. I’ve counted all the cracks in the ceiling, and I’ve recited every song I know. I started playing a game where I see how high I can count before another person walks into the room. I got up to 6000. We need to pick up the pace here. I get they’re worried that there could still be something wrong with me, but if I was asleep for the unspecified amount of time everyone keeps referring to as a “long time,” I think if something was going to happen, it would have. I just took a really long nap, its fine, let me go home.

Everyone that walks in keeps saying that they’re happy to see me awake, that I was so missed. “Don’t worry everything is going to be so much better” Some tech told me. Sure, it is; everything sucked before, and there’s no reason that it would stop sucking. Hey, at least now I have a fake friend and a sister that refuses to see me. I can’t forget that I have an apple orchard? Someone really needs to tell me what’s going on.

On top of that, everyone keeps telling me  that it’s a miracle I’m not brain dead. Obviously, the higher powers that be think there is still some entertainment value left in me. Maybe this will be the single event that puts me on the path to becoming the person that ends world hunger. More likely, I’m going to just spend the rest of my life drawing pictures that no one appreciates, struggling to make ends meet. Oh, what a life to live; and it’s going to be mine, unless I get into a BFA program with connections to Disney or something, then it might actually be a life worth living.

Look at me: I can walk, I can talk, and I still remember everything that happened leading up to going to the park. It’s a miracle I remember what a fuck-up I am.

There’s a knock on the door, I look up expecting another person wanting to draw my blood, but it’s just Cynthia. She holds up a fast food bag, “I bet you’re hungry.” She unpacks the bag on the tray table, burgers and fries. We never get to eat crap like this. I think since the time I was 5 years old she was always doing some weird gluten free, keto diet. I must have really scared her to get a treat like this. I wasn’t hungry, but I didn’t want to hurt Mom’s feelings, nor did I want to pass up on this rare opportunity to eat junk food, so I picked at it.

She watches me eat, “I really love you Connor, you’re my baby boy.” She’s crying again. I’ve never seen her so upset before. My whole life, she was always nagging me about something: smoking weed, growing out my hair, missing school. In fact, the last time I was in the hospital, for hurting myself, she told me that she was disappointed in me. “I expect better from you Connor,” she had said. That really stung. I was hurting, I still am hurting, and even my own mom wasn’t there to support me. What’s different about this time? I got too close to actually dying? Did they finally realized that I wasn’t faking my struggles, and now they feel guilty for not helping me?

My whole life they have pushed me too be something that I’m not, which actually caused them to push me away. They keep pushing me and pushing me, but still expect me to be able to stand. They load they weight of their expectations and disappointments on me, but I can only hold so much weight on my shoulders before it starts to crush me. I’m trying the best I can here, but I’m buried under the rubble that is the mess that I am. I tried so hard, I tried faking it so everyone could accept me, but its so exhausting. I just want people to love me for who I am, the mess and all, and not want to change me. I’m sending out a S.O.S. and its too bright outside to see my flare.

“Mom,” I say, “how long was I in a coma?”

“A long-time” she says.

“Can you please catch me up? I jus-” Mom waves her arm signaling me to stop. I really want to know what happened while I was asleep. No one seems to want to talk about it. I’m left to wonder what happened to the world while I was in this bed. Oh, I hope aliens invaded.

Mom sighs like she’s tired of being here, “The doctors said to wait to reintroduce media to you, but you must be so bored, so I brought you this.” She reaches into her pocket and pulls out my phone. Oh, thank God. I basically rip it out of her hands and push the home button. The screen lights up to reveal hundreds of notifications. What the hell, I don’t have friends, literally. I don’t have a single person in my life I could even call a friend. People must really pity me. You disappear from the world, and suddenly everyone realizes how special you are. Everyone wants to be friends with the kid that almost died, their conscience won’t let them sleep at night otherwise.

I look at the date, October 15th. You mean to tell me I’ve been asleep for almost two months? It’s been two months since the first day of school. I missed two months of my life? Two months of school. Two months of gossip. Two months in this hospital bed. No wonders why everyone is freaked out, someone in a coma for that long, there has to be something wrong with them. “I’ve got to get going,” Mom says standing up. She kisses my forehead before she leaves.

I scroll through the notifications, they’re all texts from unknown numbers saying shit like “We miss you Connor, get well soon” Okay, talk about some bullshit. No one cared about me before, so why do I have to almost die for people to notice me. I mean no one deserves to be forgotten, or to disappear, but it would’ve been nice if they all noticed me before. I log on to Facebook. I hate that website, but I have a feeling it would be the most reliable place to find out what happened. Surly, Cynthia posted some Please keep my family in your prayers, our son is a freak bullshit. Sure enough, my feed is filled with pictures of me, people sharing stories about me, Connor was my best friend in the fourth grade, and he used to ride my bus. Everyone talking about how they know me, how much I mean to them. Its funny how death can bring out the shallowness in everyone. Also, why is everyone making my almost death so personal? My life had no bearing on yours before, and it doesn’t now. You don’t care about me. If I really meant anything to you, I would’ve known, I would’ve been an actual part of your life.

I click on my profile, and I’m tagged in something called The Connor Project. I click it, a video of Evan Hansen and Alana Beck plays, “The Connor Project is student group dedicated to keeping Connor’s memory alive, to show that everyone matters, everyone is important.” Okay, but, I don’t know why I need a whole group to keep my memory alive, I’m still alive. The site is filled with videos of Evan talking about how important I am to him. There’s a video of him telling the story about how he broke his arm , but it’s completely false. Maybe he fell out of a tree, but I wasn’t there. We never went to a yellow field or climbed any tall trees. I definitely didn’t drive him to the hospital either.

There’s old pictures of me everywhere on the page.  You can tell they’re old because my hair is so short in them, my ears sticking out. I wonder where they got them from. I’ve never been a big poster, I think there’s maybe two posts on my Instagram. Maybe Zoe or Mom gave them the pictures. I’m not mad, they’re all really good pictures of me. I look happy in most of them, like genuinely happy.

I don’t even remember ever being that happy.

There’s so many copies of emails me and Evan sent each other. Oh, that’s funny, because I’ve literally never talked to this kid, let alone sent him an email. And people are eating it up, thank you for sharing such an intimate conversation. Hey, I hate to break it to you: this isn’t real. This doesn’t sound like the Connor I knew. Guess what! The emails don’t sound like me because I didn’t write them. None of these emails I supposedly sent could vaguely belong to me. It’s like writing an essay about a book you never read. Also, who even emails anymore? Did we hit a time warp back to the 1990’s? It’s like I was asleep for so long that time actually started moving backwards. Why are they all about trees? You can tell by how pale I am that I don’t go outside. I keep scrolling. It’s just endless content of bullshit. Evan did say he wrote fake emails, and Jared was in on it, but how many other people were in on it? This is really elaborate. The page has 16,239 followers. Evan Hansen is being crowned as an amazing kid who shared a great tribute for his best friend.

This is a really cruel. It has to be an elaborate joke, right? But, what did I ever do to Evan that he would do something like this? First he writes a creepy letter about my sister, and now he’s infiltrated himself into my life as my best friend, as my hero. What is his obsession with me?

I’ve always been a loser just waiting to be seen, and finally everyone sees me. But they don’t see me.

They see the me Evan created.

[commander-hanji-zoe]

Do you have any advice for a new blog?

🌸 Oh this is such an interesting ask, I’ve been thinking about it for a few days now, sorry it’s taken a while to get back to you but I was thinking how best to answer it! While this blog has only been around for 3 years and I’ve only really started posting in it recently, I have had my main tumblr blog for 10 years and several side blogs with quite a few followers so I’m hoping I can provide some insight! I do apologise as this turned into a bit of a ramble that I feel is about tumblr but beings to overlap into life advice lol - I blame my age. 🌸

1.) I would say firstly, enjoy it. I feel sometimes there’s a lot of pressure to get loads of followers, create new content etc. and you can forget why you’re here. I got tumblr to reblog photos of things that made me happy from bands to tattoos, movie stuff, art etc and occasionally I would forget that and end up getting bogged down in comparing stats and myself to others. So yeah, enjoy it and remember why you joined ^_^

2.) If you love work that others create (writing/art/gif sets etc.) show your appreciation not just with likes but with comments and reblogging where you can/feel comfortable doing so. Likes are great and always appreciated but comments help to inspire and reblogging means more people will see their work. It encourages content creators to continue creating, it’s also a really good way of gaining followers and make friends. If you support others they will likely support you in return. 

3.) Share the art/fan art/cosplay photos you love as per above - but don’t repost work. This was something I wasn’t really aware of when I first joined tumblr, a lot of people would just save photos from google or deviant art (it was a very different place back then) and post them on tumblr to show appreciation. But often there would be no artist detail or link to the artist, instead if you find something you like reblog it from the creator. If it isn’t on tumblr and you’d really like to post it here, contact the creator and ask their permission to post - then include a link in the post and explain you have the artist’s permission. 

4.) Talk to people :) - Okay like Alice in Wonderland here’s some advice I could really use sometimes! Through tumblr I have met some of the most amazing friends. When I first started out I started chatting to a girl who went to the same Uni as me, we met up to go for coffee, browse record shops and saw The Vaccines together. I’ve also met numerous people who encouraged me to go to Hobbit Con in Germany - I had the most amazing time, remained friends, one of them came to my wedding. I guess the message here is that internet friends are great and you never know what a friendship can blossom into. If there’s someone whose work you admire or blog you love, don’t be afraid to reach out and send a message, even if you feel a bit silly (I often do!). 

5.) Tags - My take on tags is pretty simple, tag correctly. I often tag things quite heavily but I make sure that I only tag characters that feature in a post or fandoms that feature in that post etc. You often come across posts where every character in the show has been tagged, I get why people do it, it means the post will come up in more results but it is rather infuriating when you’re looking for something specific. It also looks messy and can make things hard to find on your own blog. So yeah tag the show/film/book etc, tag the relevant characters, add whatever tags you want regarding your feelings/emotions about the post or thoughts on it. But ideally keep it relevant. On that note, tag ships (people often blacklist ships they dislike or that they find problematic) so doing this helps everyone. Anything that’s only really suitable for people 18+ tag however you see fit (due to Tumblr’s changes last year we had to revert to tagging things on the citrus scale again so I tag anything like that as lemon as well as nsft) Finally Trigger/content warnings - I do use them, some people put warnings on everything, some people don’t do at all. Again like with shipping it is helpful for people who have  

6.) Remember to take breaks - tumblr can be a little addictive and easy to pass time (like social media) so remember to take breaks, when you get back they’ll be loads of new stuff on your dashboard to look at ^_^

7.) Follow loads of blogs! I probably should have put this higher up. But have a think about the kind of content you want to see and spend some time searching for blogs that fit that, I also find it’s nice to follow some more aesthetic blogs or blogs that are calming/relaxing, seeing things like that on my dash is always a reminder to have a breather!

8.) Enjoy playing around with themes - decide what you want your blog to be about (and remember there’s nothing wrong with having a main blog that’s a little bit of everything you love as well as personal stuff!) and then have fun with the settings. There’s a lot of free tumblr themes, some of which are pretty neat and user friendly in terms of customisation. Don’t be afraid to ask questions if you’re stuck. 

9.) Side blogs are also really great. I begun to create side blogs because I didn’t want to spam my main blog with Game of Thrones, The Hobbit, Red Dead Redemption 2 or Attack on Titan, so I created side blogs. I still post about all these things on main but not as frequently. A side blog can also be good if you want to create a blog you can share with employers - I have a side blog for my photography and one for my writing. Sideblogs are also a good way of keeping certain material away from the blog where people in real life are most likely to find you. Generally I won’t post 18+ material on my main blog, so smutty fan fiction etc. goes on the side blogs. As a side note, when you have a side blog you cannot like posts or ask questions as that side blog - it will be from your main blog. 

10.) Try not to get disheartened if you create original content and it doesn’t get a lot of attention at first. When you create a blog it can take time to gain followers/traction. But remember as per point 1, that Tumblr should be fun and creating content should first and fore mostly be for you and your enjoyement. But if you continue to create, tag appropriately but also show appreciation for fellow creators there’s no reason why in time you won’t flourish. And as per point 3, if you reblog others work there’s a chance they in return will reblog your art. 

11.) There’s extension kits you can get for tumblr, I know some people use them and find them helpful. I’m not sure they’re as poplar/needed now as they used to be. I used to use one but don’t feel the need now, however might be worth a google or asking someone more knowledgeable to see if it’ll work for you.

12.) You can blacklist tags through settings, if there’s any ships, characters, things you’d rather not see on your dash or that you find upsetting or triggering I’d recommend blacklisting them. If people tag correctly you shouldn’t much/if any of it. 

13.) Under blog settings you can also choose whether you want your blog to be searchable via the email address you registered with and on google. I switched this off pretty much as soon as it became a feature! My blogs, even my main blog are a piece of me which is only shared with a select few people in real life. I really do not need my colleagues, employers, certain family/friends finding this! 

14.) Use Queues! I adore a queue.... Once I discovered they were a thing I try to have around 100 posts in my queue on main at any time. You can amend how many times you post a day (mine is around 8-12 times, I change it when i go away). It just means your blog remains active even if you can’t really log on for a week or two or if you’re on holiday. Occasionally I’ll add original posts into my queue with writing, it can be nice to come back and see the feedback. A lot of people put ‘queue’ in the tag, but you’ll realise most people have a quirky tag. For example on main mine is - one does not simply queue their way through tumblr. And on my red dead blog it’s - I had a god damn queue! Sadly on here I haven’t got one yet! 

15.) Finally I would say engage in discourse as little as possible. It can be tempting and while drama can be fun for a while, even just to watch from the outside it can quickly escalate into something nasty and toxic. At first you might want to join in but tumblr can be, well it can be a lot at times and very noisy with everyone screaming their opinions and trying to be louder than the person before. I would say no fandom is inherently toxic, but it happens. A fandom I was heavily involved in last year had so much discourse and there was so much drama that even though I wasn’t involved in it my anxiety was through the roof, I had a panic attack over it and felt paranoid. After speaking to other older members in the fandom I felt much better (they too were annoyed with what was happening) and we realised that essentially a lot of it boiled down to a real lack of critical thinking. I’m not saying don’t get involved at all, sometimes I have seen things where I’ve felt things need to be said/action taken especially when it comes to intolerance and hatred. But I would say when you do engage - pick your battles. (I hope this last one makes sense). I started writing a lot more and going into the politics of it and ranting about bigots and then thought that’s probably enough! 😁

I hope this post helps! Like I said I’ve never been asked something like this so it took a bit of thinking but these are some of the key thoughts I had. 

edit - I meant to add that obviously the above is just my opinion and based on my experiences on tumblr/thoughts about things.

[sambart93]

Touken Ranbu The Movie [Review]

It’s finally here! It’s finally arrived! We waited so long and it’s finally here! I’m hoping I can see it at least one more time before it stops at the cinema because it is so good!

NON-SPOILER REVIEW Overall: This was amazing! I absolutely adored and loved so many parts of this movie!! I loved the story, I loved the reinterpretation of history, I loved the twists and surprises (there are so many that you don’t expect!), I loved the action, I loved the colouring, I loved the cinematography and the camera shots, I loved seeing their pretty make up and their pretty faces on a big giant screen! They all looked amazing!! My honest to god only complaint is that (1) there is a very obvious voice dub within the first 15 minutes of the movie; (2) some of the editing and transitions between scenes were just not smooth at all. The editing was really rough compared to how amazingly produced everything else is in this movie. A few cuts really pissed me off and some transitions were so jarring. I do have one more complaint but it’s spoilery so I’ll list that below. But everything else was amazing! Cannot wait for the DVD! Rating: 8/10 if only the editing had been better.

SPOILER REVIEW

Story

We are back at Honnouji no Hen trying to stop the Jikansokougun from interfering with it. You know the story if you’ve read the history and/or watched the first stage.

Now to the spoilers...

The TouDan think they’ve finished off the Jikansokougun and go back to the Honmaru, but in fact there was still one left who grabs Oda and takes him to a safe place. When Oda wakes up he has the whole Jikansokougun army within his grasp and one of the commanders ‘Mume’ can talk to him and stays by Oda’s side. The TouDan realise what’s happened and goes back. While there Jiji actually saves and rans away with Oda. Everyone feels betrayed but they continue their mission of keeping and eye on Hideyoshi. Jiji takes Oda to Azuchi where Hideyoshi raids and tries to burn down (as per the correct history) but again the Jikansokougun interfere.

I’ll stop there so you’re not too spoiled if you did carry on to read more.

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Using the star format as usual so it’s easier and quicker for me to get through reviews. 

General Comments

☆ This was so BEAUTIFULLY SHOT! Some of the shots are so well done and they all looked so damn pretty! They must’ve had a very nice budget for this movie because it’s visually beautiful, the colouring used is beautiful, so many shots are just PERFECT!

☆ I loved the close ups of all the swords! Being able to see their pretty faces  (which had a lot lighter make up than what they wear on stage so their natural beauty shined out more!) so close up was just wonderful ^_^

☆ Also their makeup! I absolutely adored their make up in this!! All of the swords except Nihongo have eyeliner half way across their bottom lashes (yeah this is how good the quality is and how well you can see the makeup and how goddamn observant I am xD). And they all looked SO NICE! 

☆ NIHONGO’S ONSIE for uchiba/Internal Affairs is freaking ADORABLE!!!! It’s a freaking Onsie! A ONSIE! I was losing it!! And he looked so good in it too!! It was this freaking adorable great onsie!! I can’t get over this... I can’t! xD

☆ Jiji has plot armour in this movie too as expected because he’s always givemn bloody plot armour. He REALLY should’ve died in this one. Scientifically and by Touken Game standards he SHOULD have died. But alas ‘we can’t hurt the fan favourite precious Jiji’ oh fuck off, hurry up and kill him already! Fuck sake.

☆ I really liked Fuma’s Honebami. Just like the stages, we didn’t get enough time with him. We didn’t really get to know him. But I think something between His and Mitsuya’s Hone is what I expect Hone to be so I like Movie Hone. BUT, Hone should’ve died too by the way. Just from the dire situation he ends up in, he really should’ve been killed and died. It’s not like we can’t bring these swords back!

☆ I died a little when Uguisumaru said his famous line!

☆ Tomoki as Uguisumaru was perfect JUST as I had predicted! He was great! I loved the looks between Jiji and him where they completely understood each other without having to speak! I absolutely adored how soft his voice was, very nicely matching Ugui’s image. 

☆ Also I did start laughing at one point when I remembered Suzuki and Tomoki had been in YowaPeda together. I just imagined Suzuki’s Arakita and Tomoki’s Makishima dressing up in their sword outfits. Them looking like TouDan but with their Peda character’s personalities just cracked me up SO MUCH!

☆ You can definitely appreciate the amount of LEG shown by Yagen and Fudou in this movie! The camera itself really loved focusing on Yagen’s legs! Many times there are obvious shots that are there JUST for his legs xD and there’s a scene at the honmaru where Fudou goes to sleep and you can see all the muscles in his legs and it’s beautiful ^_^ highly appreciated and thankful for these shots!

☆ I do like movie version of Hasebe. I liked him somewhat in this one. There wasn’t so much forehead acting from Wada in this (thank god) so I liked Hasebe this time around. 

☆ And I guess movie version of Jiji wasn’t as much of a dick as he is in the stage too. I do like Jiji quite a bit in this one too, but he still got that god damn plot armour.

☆ In some shots you can see the knee support around Maki’s right leg - he was still receiving rehabilitation on his knee after his surgery when he stupidly went off to film this.

☆ I am here for the utter and complete tag team of Yagen and Manba! I absolutely adored all their scenes together! I was SO down for this pair up! They were great together!

☆ If you’ve never seen the Eiga Dorobo video, I highly recommend you see it! It’s often shown in movie theatre before the movie starts and it’s gold! (see here) so for Touken Ranbu they made special ones with the cast joining in! They even had the Jikansokougun too! So far there have only been 2 episodes out and a third one should be coming. So for the two different episodes we had the appearance of:

Eiga Dorobo 1: Uguisumaru, Fudou, Hasebe

Eiga Dorobo 2: Honebami, Nihongo, Yagen

☆ Watching the movie, I had this huge moment of ‘fuck, I love Touken Ranbu’, because there are so many versions of it and anyone can make any version they want because the creators of the game gave so much leeway as to how to interpret the swords, the personalities, how they defend history, the lore of the Jikan, there is just so much god damn potential in this series and there’s so many ways and stories you can write with these boys! I just got so happy and proud while watch the movie. We can literally make up whatever shit we want so long as history goes back to normal at the end! It’s GREAT!

☆ However, as already stated above, there were some super dodgy editing in this! I really need to find out who the editor is and send them an email because some of the editing was cringe worthy. We literally had one shot where Jiji walks out but the shot is focused on Jiji’s feet for about 5 seconds while Jiji talks. No shot of Jiji actually talking, no shot of Jiji’s face, just his FEET! HIS FEET! What the hell was that shot of Jiji’s feet at the beginning of the movie?! I’ve watched this movie TWICE and I have absolutely NO idea what the point of that shot was! That was the worst one. 

☆ Other things like in the very first opening scene we are have a VERY OBVIOUS audio dub over one of the guys. Why they dubbed over the man with different lines to what his mouth creates, I don’t know why, but it does not sync up at all and it is very obvious.

☆ And the transition between scenes/days and the cut backs to older stuff in the movie was just very poorly edited too. If a scene ended, it would fade to black and for like 2 seconds there would be nothing, no music, just a black scene and then suddenly a new song would start, it felt VERY stage-y and not like a movie at all! It was cringe worthy and really wasted precious seconds we could’ve spent on the movie. Also we had some ‘flashback’ scenes and the music and sound immediately cut off from Cut 1 -> Cut 2 would be the flashback and be absolutely silent, no music -> go back to Cut 1 and suddenly the music has restarted again. I REALLY didn’t like it! It REALLY pissed me. LET ME FUCKING REEDIT THIS GOD DAMN MOVIE! The post production for most of this movie SUCKED. The editing and the sound mixing SUCKED. Ugh... that person needs firing.

☆ Also, this movie was WAY too short! We get 3 hour long stages from Marv, so why is the movie less than 2 god damn hours?! It’s barely 1 hour 45! Give me more gungi! Give me some comedy! (There is NO comedy in this besides ONE line from Hasebe!) Give me them enjoying time at the god damn honmaru! 

☆ Upon looking back, I realised that they did not show one of the bigger fights at all that happens towards the end of the movie. I really wish they had shown that fight scene rather than having it happen off screen. There was so much potential and so much you could’ve done with that fight scene. You could’ve easily had swords pop up here, there, everywhere and they could’ve done it in a real stylistic way if they didn’t have the time or money to get actual actors. They could’ve just done close up shots of swords’ costumes, or their feet landing next to the Jikan, or show two swords clashing, or a danshi jumping into the fight etc. You could’ve easily ‘brought in’ many swords into that fight scene without actual hiring any actors (especially if certain actors did not have time) and it could’ve been very creative, stylistic and interesting and it would’ve been a big flail for the fans.

☆ Also MAJOR SPOILERS HERE: the ending part with the new sword? Don’t just IGNORE that for fuck sake! Give him and the audience an explanation! Let him speak! Let him have his moment as to what happened to him and where he’s been and what he went through shit! God damn don’t just NOT explain that! Don’t just have him pop up, save the day, say his name and FINISH! What the fuck.

Wow the more I think about this movie, the more dissatisfied I get... okay, last one!

☆ Also Nishii Yukito had SUCH a small role!!! I was hoping he’d have so much more screen time than what he actually got. He has about 1 minute max *so sad*

I DO pin a lot of my complaints and nitpicks on the fact I have a cinematography background; I studied film, I’ve made films, I’ve always watched BTS of making films, I love the process of film making. And I think because of that, that’s why I’m being so particular on HOW it was made and on post-production and how I would’ve made the movie. So if you’re not into the whole film making side of movies then none of these are gunna bother you. If you’re not into this stuff then I really think you’ll enjoy this movie a lot! You will definitely have a good time and be satisfied and enjoy it so much!

Okay now onto:

MAJOR SPOILER TERRITORY COMMENTS

☆ I loved this version of Saru and how he isn’t just a nice guy and isn’t just the idiot that history leads us to believe. In this he’s cold, and mean, and turned against so many people! I loved Saru suddenly going against Hasebe too! It was such a plot twist! He invited Hasebe and Nihongo into his clan but as soon as our swords let down their guard, Saru’s men attacked them and they had to run! It was such a shocking twist! And Hasebe getting shot because of this ambush too was insane!! I know it’s spoiled in the trailer but seeing it happen in that moment! I was not expecting it at all!

☆ Also I am glad I got to see Hasebe actually almost physically harming Jiji, and Manba straight up being like ‘yo I don’t trust you Mika,’ and Yagen siding with Manba! Oh my! It was such a great scene! I loved all the suspicion going on around them and them not exactly wanting to agree or listen to Jiji. Argh! SO GOOD! I was like ‘HIT HIM HASEBE! DO IT!’ and I guess this is another reason why I like Movie Hasebe much more than Stage Hasebe.

 ☆ Seriously! I absolutely loved the teaming up of Yagen and Manba!! And now I want them forever on my team in the game now too! xD

☆ My heart hurt a little when Oda called Jiji ‘Munechika’, I was like ‘YOU HAVE NO RIGHT CALLING HIM BY HIS GIVEN NAME!!’ because clearly Jiji deserves more respect than Oda xD but I think it’s purposely put in so we do feel this way.

☆ I absolutely loved the twist for Oda’s story: he didn’t die at Honnouji, he actually died at Azuchi Castle and only Jiji knows the true hsitory because he was the only one there at the time! Such a great twist! And how Jiji tricked Oda into going to Azuchi, making Oda think he’ll be fine there and making Oda think that they are changing history together! Such a good plot twist! I loved it!

☆ Even though I was spoiled for the new sword, it’s very heavily implied throughout the entire movie. Especially when Akechi uses him in defense again the Jikan, and suddenly the danshi’s (who is clothed in Jikan armour and wear)  eyes turn bright yellow (Jikan’s eyes are all a glowing red). It’s a really good and random reveal!

☆ As Jiji tries to leave Azuchi castle, Honebami meets up with him. But fucking Oda pullings his sword on Hone and pins it at his neck! He tells Jiji to work with him or he’ll kill Hone and Jiji is like ‘I can’t help you, this is how it’s supposed to be’, just, I was like YESSSSSSSSSS!!!! But in the end Oda let’s Hone and Jiji go -__- I’m sorry but Hone SHOULD HAVE been killed there!

☆ One of my favourite lines from the movie is from Jiji (surprisingly) where he says: 守りたいことが増えばっかり。 // Things I want to protect just keep increasing. Which shows just how different of a Jiji we have in this version! He actually fucking emotionally cares in this one!

☆  The very last scene has ALL the Stage swords who have appeared in TouStage up to now were ALL at the Honmaru in this final scene. Except Daihannya & Ookanehira. Those two swords were NOT in this final scene. As for the actors; every one of the TouStage actors, except Hirose Daisuke and Kento, were as their Swords, in their costumes in this final scene. Ichigo and Tsurumaru ARE in this seen but are clearly NOT the actors. They clearly had body doubles / standins in this scene and their faces were out of focus. Also in the final ending credits, these two actors' names were not listed. I was flailing so hard!!! This was a HUGE shocker and I am so happy how many of them were able to come back for this one scene! So this is the scene where the new Saniwa is revealed and we finally got a female Saniwa!!!! I was like ‘YES JUSTICE!!!’ I spent most of the movie like ‘why the fuck is it always a Male Saniwa?!?! Why not hire someone ambiguous like Yuzuki or Toman as the Saniwa?!’. But alas we got our girl at the end!! The very very very last scene is absolutely ADORABLE! The saniwa (she’s like 3 years old) grabs onto the back of Jiji (he’s sitting down and drinking tea) and holds him for a piggyback, he smiles, picks her up and piggybacks her around the honmaru! It’s ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE!! I was in absolutely tears at this scene! Ughhh someone give Suzuki babies!!! I was in a MESS of tears. And the very very very last line is him where he says ‘ Aruji.... the stuff I want to protect just keeps increasing’ arghhhh my heart!! *dead* IT’S SUCH A GOOD ENDING!!!

*

And that’s all! I hope you enjoyed this review and I hope you watch, buy and enjoy the movie!

As stated, I feel like a lot of my complaints come from my cinematic background so general people who just want a good movie are really going to enjoy this!! ^_^  Also if you ever see spelling mistakes, don’t ever hesitate to yell at me! xD

[wistfulcynic]

Another Brick In The Wall: Chapter 14

It’s the end! I can’t believe it. This story that started out as a snotty protest against high school AUs somehow ended as my second longest MC and something that I’ve immensely enjoyed writing. It's been so interesting imagining these characters and the events of their lives through this lens, I just hope in the end I've done them justice. Thank you all so much for reading it, and for your lovely comments, without them this story probably wouldn't have happened. Love you all ❤️❤️❤️

Summary: Emma Swan, sheriff’s daughter, mayor’s niece, quarterback’s girlfriend, is the undisputed princess of Storybrooke High. She is smart and confident and used to getting what she wants. What she wants is Killian Jones, the new boy in school. But Killian is not easily manipulated, and reluctant to allow the dark secrets in his past to touch the girl he is rapidly falling in love with. Rating: T Read it on AO3: Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12 | Chapter 13 | Chapter 14

Tags for: @darkcolinodonorgasm @jennjenn615 @hollyethecurious @resident-of-storybrooke @kmomof4 @bonbonpirate

Chapter 14:

Nine and a half years after the morning after her senior prom, Emma arrived home at the end of another exhausting day to find a thick cream envelope in her mail slot addressed to “Dr Emma Swan-Jones.” The Storybrooke High seal was pressed into the flap, and Emma knew immediately what it was. 

She sifted through the bills and junk mail seaching for another envelope, addressed to Killian. There wasn’t one. Perhaps that wasn’t surprising, though, she reasoned. He hadn’t technically graduated with her, just passed his AP exams and gone on his way. 

When Killian came home half an hour later she was sitting at the kitchen table, staring at the card the envelope had contained with a small scowl. He gave her a quizzical look and she handed it to him, without comment. He looked at it and laughed. “Of course,” he said. “The final stage in the American high school drama. The one wherein we return to the old alma mater, triumphantly to lord our brilliant success over the poor sods we went to school with.” He sat down across from her and handed the card back. “I suppose you’ll want to go?” 

Emma shrugged. “I don’t know. Do we have any brilliant success to lord over anyone?” That afternoon she had given expert testimony in the trial of a sixteen year old boy accused of sexually assaulting his twelve year old sister. He’d been acquitted. The girl had grabbed Emma’s hand and begged her with terrified eyes not to make her go back home. But there had been no other option. Watching that poor child be herded away by her parents had made Emma feel precisely the opposite of brilliantly successful. 

Killian gave her the soft, sympathetic look he always gave when he could tell she’d had a particularly bad day, and reached out to take her hand. “‘Brilliant’ may be too strong a word, but we’re certainly well on our way to where we want to be,” he said. “Don’t you think so, love?”

Killian was a junior professor, teaching all the hours God sent while simultanously participating in a major research project and writing the book he hoped would get him tenure. She was a forensic psychologist with the Boston PD, handed all the worst, most difficult cases by her superiors, coming home each day exhausted and ready to weep for humanity. They lived on the ground floor of a draughty old house that they paid way too much rent for, trying to save for a down payment on their own place, which at the rate they were going would only take about thirty years provided Boston house prices remained at their current stratospheric levels. She had wrinkles on her forehead now that didn’t smooth out when she stopped frowning and last week she had found a grey hair. Were they where they wanted to be?

She looked at her husband. The years had certainly been kind to him. His lanky frame had filled out and he had grown into his face, which was now covered with stubble from the thick beard he was usually too busy or tired to shave regularly. The scruff suited him, though. Everything suited him. Killian at seventeen had been a cute boy with eyes a bit too big and limbs a touch too long, teetering just on the precipice of his potential; Killian at twenty-seven was breathtaking. 

She realised he was waiting for an answer to his question. “I guess. I don’t know. Oh, I can’t think about things like that now, I’m in too much of a mood.” 

Keeping hold of her hand he stood and pulled her up into his arms, wrapping them tightly around her and stroking her hair. She sighed as she leaned against his solid, comforting form, drawing strength from his presence. 

“Rough day?” he asked. 

“When isn’t it?” she replied, unable to keep the frustration from her voice. 

“Do you want to talk about it?”

She shook her head as much as she could with her face buried in his shoulder. “Not really. Maybe later. Right now I just want to sit and do something mindless. Just not think for a while.” 

Killian kissed her gently on her hair and then on her lips. “Why don’t you find something on Netflix and I’ll pour us some wine,” he said. 

She nodded and went into the living room, collapsing on the sofa and putting her feet up on the coffee table. Killian hated when she did that, but sometimes she wanted to stretch out, she thought grumpily. 

“Anything you want for dinner?” he called from the kitchen.

“No, just whatever.” She picked up the remote and began scrolling aimlessly through the options.

He joined her a few minutes later, handing her a large glass of red wine and sitting down next to her, sighing as he did. He looked pointedly at her feet, but said nothing. She felt a brief flare of guilt. His days were hard too. She took her feet off the table and curled them under her as she tucked herself against his side and he put an arm around her. 

“I think ‘whatever’ is going to be pasta and a salad tonight,” he said, kissing the top of her head.   

“That sounds fine. What do you want to watch?”

“Oh, whatever,” he teased, using his ‘American’ accent. She gave him a small slap, rolling her eyes. 

“The Good Place?”

“Yeah, go on then.” 

It was a show they’d watched a hundred times, but after their stressful days they needed some comfort viewing. They watched two episodes as they drank their wine, then Killian went to make dinner and Emma checked her email. Five messages from her boss already, and she’d barely left work two hours ago. On a Friday. Firmly she closed the app and turned her phone upside down on the table. She’d deal with work later. Now she was going to have dinner with her husband and enjoy his company. 

They chatted about odds and ends as they ate, the everyday, random subjects that are common in long-term relationships. 

“By the way, you never answered my question, love,” said Killian, after a short silence. 

“Hmm? What question?” Emma twirled pasta around her fork. 

“Do you want to go to the reunion?”

She frowned. She’d forgotten about it, and wasn’t sure she wanted to open the subject again. “Eh, I don’t know,” she said. “I guess it might be nice to see some people again. We don’t really do any visiting when we go back to SB.” 

They went back regularly of course, to see Liam and Belle, who were married now with three small children, and her parents, who had a small child of their own— a surprise baby (very surprising, Snow had laughed) called Leo, who was now eight. But their trips were usually over holidays and they were so busy with their families, nieces and nephews and baby brothers, that they didn’t take much time to see old friends, especially since Ruby had moved to China and hardly ever came back. 

“I’ll leave it up to you,” said Killian. “I was only at that school for a year, and everyone I really came to care about I still see frequently. Even Whale, who I in fact see far too much of for anyone’s liking.” 

Against all odds Killian and Victor had remained friends of a sort and since Victor had moved to Boston three years earlier they went out together fairly regularly, though from what Killian said they spent most of that time bickering and needling at each other. Still, they seemed to enjoy it. 

By the time Emma and Killian had finished eating and cleaned up the kitchen it was past nine and their eyelids were drooping. “Do you want to watch anything else?” asked Killian.

“No,” said Emma, around an enormous yawn. “Let’s just go to bed.” 

She was so old, she thought. In bed by ten on a Friday night. But it was better than falling asleep on the sofa five minutes into a movie. 

They brushed their teeth and washed their faces, then got undressed and before putting on pajamas they wrapped themselves around each other as they did every night, sharing a deep kiss as they each mentally played a round of the debating game they called “Are We Too Knackered For Sex Or Not?”

To her surprise, Emma discovered that her answer was “Or Not.” She was exhausted, mentally and physically, but as much as she wanted to sleep she wanted to feel that closeness with Killian even more, wanted the warmth and comfort that she always felt when making love with him. Wanted proof that human relationships could be positive, nurturing things, not like that hellishly twisted nightmare family she’d seen today. Sometimes she felt that without her loving marriage, without Killian’s unwavering support, doing her job might come at the expense of her mental health. 

She signalled her intent by letting her hand slide down his back to cup his ass and pull his hips into hers, rocking her own against him. 

He hummed against her mouth. “So it’s an Or Not for you, then?” he murmured. 

“Yeah. You?”

“I’m certain I can summon the energy to ravish you, love,” he growled, hoisting her up against him. She shrieked and wrapped her legs around his waist, laughing as he tumbled them both onto their bed. 

Later, Emma lay with her head on Killian’s chest, listening to his heartbeat and the soft flow of his breath as he slept. She was tired in a more pleasant way now, sated and content and much more at peace than she had felt earlier, yet still she couldn’t sleep. Her fingers sifted through the abundant hair on his chest, one of her favourite things to touch, and she remembered with a smile the first night she’d spent in his arms. How she’d woken on that shining morning to the thought of how hairy he’d be one day. He had surpassed her expectations on that front. On most fronts, honestly. 

She indulged in more memories of that morning, of the two of them eating pancakes and bacon on the boat, laughing, talking about nothing, getting lost in each other’s eyes. They had been so in love, so happy. So full of bright optimism for the future. They’d thought they had it all figured out. 

A decade later they weren’t any less in love. If anything their feelings had only deepened and strengthened as their relationship matured. But life had not turned out to be quite as easy as they had envisioned it in that sparkling memory. She supposed it never really did. 

She thought about going to the Storybrooke High reunion, seeing the people she hadn’t seen since graduation. People she had ruled back then as Storybrooke’s princess, shallow and carefree, beloved and ever so slightly feared. People who had remained in the small town they’d been born in while she had moved to New York, travelled far and wide with Killian, seen and done so much that had changed her, then finally settled into a job that exhausted and depressed her even as every day reinforced her conviction that what she did was essential work, helping people as much as anything could. What would Storybrooke think of its princess now?

Human nature being what it was, she of course wondered sometimes about the life she could have had if she’d returned after college as her mother had wished. What she would have ended up doing, who she would have been with? Would Killian really have returned with her, given up his own future for her? Even odder to imagine, what would have become of her if she’d never met Killian at all? He was such an integral part of her existence, her husband, her best friend, the love of her life, that she was literally unable to imagine herself without him.  Had Killian never come to Storybrooke Emma would have grown up to be a wholly different person, one unrecognisable to the person she actually was. Whether she would have been happy in that other reality, in her ignorance both of true love and of the frustrations of the life she’d chosen, she couldn’t say. All she knew was that despite everything she was happy in this one. 

Killian shifted in his sleep, his hand sliding over the bare skin of her hip and onto her lower belly as he unconsciously cuddled her closer. Her skin tingled in its wake with the low-level arousal always ignited by even his lightest touch. He was the only man she’d ever slept with, something her friends hadn’t hesitated to tease her about over the years, like it was something they thought she would be ashamed of. But Emma always just laughed, letting the mockery roll off her back. She was more than satisfied with her sex life, certain that she wasn’t missing anything she couldn’t do without. In fact, hearing her friends’ stories of unsatisfying one-nighters and awkward morning-afters and the challenges of dating in the modern world just made her even more grateful for Killian, who still looked at her like she was the centre of his universe and whose hands on her never failed to send sparks dancing across her skin even after ten years together. Why would she want to go out looking for meaningless sex with men whose faces she would barely remember just for the sake of “wider experience” when she had the sexiest man she’d ever seen already in her bed, waiting to worship her and pleasure her and love her? Why go out for hamburger, as the saying goes, when you have steak at home? 

Though she’d be lying if she didn’t admit, if only to herself, how deeply she’d enjoyed the look on her college friends’ faces when they’d met him for the first time. After all the teasing she’d endured about her boyfriend who was actually a boy and about her turning down men old enough to buy her alcohol for the sake of a boy who wasn’t even eighteen yet, she had revelled in their shock, their disbelief, and yes, their outright envy. He’s mine, bitches, she remembed thinking, with her newfound college-student affinity for swearing. And you can suck it. 

“All right, all right,” Tiana had said. “I get it now. You’re a dark horse, Emma Swan.”

“Does he have a brother?” Ariel had asked innocently. 

Maintaining their relationship during their college years had, she realised now, been pretty easy. Alhough at first they had struggled with the distance, as they’d settled into college life and found their friends and routines and formed a routine for their relationship, texting throughout the day and FaceTiming in the evenings, they had learned to handle it. She’d missed him, of course, as he had her, but they’d always visited each other without fail twice a month, the only exception being during finals when they needed the time to study and didn’t wish to spend it on the train. Their winter and summer breaks had also been spent together, first in Storybrooke and later in either New York or Boston, working summer internships to help them get a leg up in their future careers. 

After graduation, Killian fulfilled his promise to go to Oxford for three years of graduate study while Emma, hating the idea of being so far away from him for so long, had impulsively applied for a master’s programme at the London School of Economics and to her surprise been accepted. 

“It’s for social and cultural psychology, which isn’t directly applicable to what I want to do,” she said. “But it sounds fascinating and it’ll give me a broader understanding of the field which can only be an advantage. And I should be able to start a PhD immediately when it’s finished.”

“I can’t say I’d be sorry to have you near,” said Killian. “I haven’t been back to the UK in five years, I’m a bit apprehensive about it. And of course not having an ocean between us is never a bad thing.” 

Emma of course had never been to the UK at all, and so they took three weeks before the start of their courses to travel around the country, everywhere except London and Oxford, as they had agreed that every time they got together (trading visits every two weeks as they’d done in college) they would do one touristy thing, reasoning that this ought to give them enough time to see the major sights of both cities during Emma’s year-long programme.  

Because life was insane and coincidences were real they actually ran into Milah one afternoon in Lincoln’s Inn Fields. It was early November and they were sitting on the grass enjoying an unseasonable bout of warmth and sunshine when Killian suddenly went stiff as a board, drawing in his breath sharply. 

“What is it?” asked Emma, concerned, following the trajectory of his gaze to a tall woman with long, dark hair tumbling down her back in wild curls who was walking along the path nearest them, a cell phone at her ear. 

“That’s her. Milah.” Killian’s voice was strained. 

“Really?” Emma leaned forward for a better look. 

“Yeah.” Killian’s hand tightened in hers, squeezing her fingers painfully. “Don’t stare, I don’t want to catch her attention.” 

“Are you sure? We could go talk to her, if you want.” 

“Definitely not.” 

“It might be good, Killian, to talk about—” 

“No, love, please. I’ve worked hard to put it behind me, I don’t want to dredge up old emotions that are best left in the past.” 

She snuggled closer into his side. “As you wish,” she said, stealing his line, and he smiled and kissed her. When they looked up again, Milah had gone. 

That night when they made love there was something almost frantic in the way he held her and touched her and thrust deep within her, as though he needed her to anchor him in the place he wanted to remain. Normally their lovemaking was very much a pair activity, but that night Emma lay back and let him take what he needed, knowing that his fingers would leave bruises on her soft skin but that she would never reproach him for them. And when he clung to her in the aftermath and she felt his tears dampen her hair she held him close and whispered that she loved him and always would, soothing him until he slept. 

The next morning he was lighter than she’d ever seen him, smiling brightly as they did their touristy thing —a trip on the London Eye this time— laughing freely when she held tightly to his jacket at the top, wrapping her securely in his arms. “I’ll never let you fall, Emma,” he murmured in her ear, and she smiled. She wouldn’t let him fall, either. She hadn’t, and she never would. 

When she saw him off on the train back to Oxford that evening she knew that he had left Milah and the trauma of his past behind, completely. Finally. He was free.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

When Killian awoke the next morning Emma was still asleep, curled up on her side and snoring lightly in the way he’d always found adorable. She still had shadows under her eyes but her face was relaxed and peaceful, which eased some of his worry about her state of mind. When Emma was particularly stressed she frowned even in her sleep, so her soft expression was a good sign. He hated seeing her so strung out but knew there was little he could do to help. It was simply her nature. She was incapable of not getting emotionally invested in the people she counselled; she cared about them and took it very hard when she wasn’t able to give them the help they needed. He couldn’t change that, nor did he really want to; her generous heart was one of the things he loved most about her. All he could really do was just be there, just offer his support and listen whenever she was ready to talk. 

He stroked her cheek with his thumb and kissed her softly on the forehead, and when she didn’t waken he slid carefully from the bed, pulling on his old Harvard sweatpants as quietly as he could. She seemed pretty deeply asleep and frankly, he thought, she could use the rest. It wasn’t often she had a chance to sleep in, even on a Saturday, but today, he silently decreed, she would. She would sleep late, and when she awoke he would have breakfast waiting for her.

Pancakes, he thought. We haven’t had those in ages. And bacon. Like they’d had the morning after the prom. He smiled to himself at the memory, one that hadn’t crossed his mind in years. So many good things had happened since that when it came to happy memories he had a true embarrassment of riches, and sometimes things got lost in the shuffle. The arrival of the reunion invite had it seemed shuffled them to the fore again. 

Although he could certainly understand Emma’s reluctance to go to her high school reunion and be faced with having either to hide or to explain the stresses and frustrations of the life she’d chosen to people who already struggled to understand why she’d chosen it, Killian knew she wouldn’t change a thing about their life, as he wouldn’t. All things considered they had been almost unbelievably fortunate. Finding the love of your life at sixteen or seventeen was vanishingly rare; even rarer was that relationship surviving years of separation, the stress of pursuing advanced degrees and of working long hours for low pay and little appreciation, and actually growing stronger with each new challenge thrown at it. He was immensely grateful for the last ten years with her and for all the years they had to come, for the children they hoped some day to have, for the life they would continute to build together. All they needed was each other, the rest of it—the jobs, the kids, the house— would work itself out. And if those things never came then they’d still be happy because they’d be together. 

Feeling cheerful at the prospect of surprising Emma with a nice breakfast, Killian opened the refrigerator, only to discover that that they had no bacon. And no milk. Sighing, he quickly peeked into the bedroom to check that Emma was still sound asleep, then tossed on his jacket, zipping it securely as he wasn’t wearing a shirt, and slipped from the house as quietly as possible. Twenty minutes later he was back, armed with bacon, milk, and some good coffee, plus chocolate chips for the pancakes. Emma permitted him to feed her healthy food these days as long as he prepared it, but she still held on to her childhood preference for sickly sweet breakfasts. He mixed the pancake batter and set it aside to rest while he cooked the bacon and then finally put the coffee on. Breakfast was nearly ready, and if anything would lure Emma out of bed it was the smell of good coffee. 

Sure enough she appeared in the kitchen moments later, wearing an old t-shirt of his and rubbing her eyes sleepily. “Is that the Guatemalan coffee I smell?” she asked, “I thought we’d run out.”

“I went to the store. It’s been a while since we’ve had a nice breakfast, and you seemed like you could use it.”

She came up behind him, wrapping her arms around his waist as he tested the heat of the griddle and poured out the first batch of pancakes. “God, I love you,” she said against the bare skin over his shoulder blade.

“I hope you’re not just saying that because I got chocolate chips for the pancakes,” he teased, picking up the bag to show her before sprinking a generous handful over half the batch. 

“Well, I can’t deny that’s a major factor,” she replied, deadpan. 

“I knew it.” 

She gave a light laugh and squeezed him tightly before heading for the coffee maker. “It’s ready,” she said. “Do you want a cup now?”

“Yeah, please.” Killian deftly flipped the pancakes. “These’ll be done in a minute, you go sit down and I’ll bring it all in when it’s ready.” 

Emma poured coffee for both of them and took their cups to the table. Sitting, she sipped at hers, letting the rich flavour and the caffeine kick both soothe and jolt her into full consciousness. She’d nearly finished the cup when Killian placed a generous stack of pancakes in front of her, oozing melted chocolate and accompanied by a pile of bacon. She laughed, the first free, happy laugh he’d heard from her in far too long. 

“Are there three of me?” she asked. 

“Now, darling, don’t pretend that you can’t, or won’t, eat all of that yourself,” he said, refilling her coffee cup. “Need I remind you of the Naples Pizza Incident?” 

“I was twenty three then!” she protested, “The calories burned off a lot faster in those days.” 

“It was only five years ago, love, not fifty.” 

“It feels longer,” she said, the grim mood falling back onto her face.  

He sat down and picked up his fork, deliberately casual. “Do you want to talk about it?” 

She nodded. “Yeah, I think I’m ready.” 

As they ate she told him about the case, the testimony she’d given, how her best efforts had seemed to make no difference, and how she’d had to send a traumatised little girl right back into the same terrible situation she thought she’d escaped. 

“That fucking judge, he cared more about ‘ruining the future’ of the brother than about protecting a little girl from a predator,” she fumed. “Of course a sexual assault conviction would ruin his future, it should.” She took a large bite of pancake, chewed and swallowed before continuing. “I think the worst thing was that the smug little shit knew there wouldn’t be any consequences for him. His parents knew what was going on, they did nothing. The judge did nothing. What’s even the point of a justice system if it doesn’t protect the people who most need protecting?” She bit down on a piece of bacon with a vicious crunch. 

 Killian knew this was a rhetorical question; she didn’t want his help or his opinion, just his ear and his shoulder. So he said nothing. 

Emma swiped her plate with the last bite of pancake and popped it in her mouth. “Looks like you were right,” she said. “I did eat it all.” 

“I knew you could do it,” he replied, smiling at her. “I believed in you. I always believe in you, Emma.” 

In more things than just eating pancakes, he meant, and he could tell she understood. She gave him an odd look, half soft smile, half inner turmoil.  

“Let’s go,” she said suddenly.  

“Where?”

“To the reunion. Let’s just go. I don’t care if we’re brilliantly successful or not, I’m happy. I’m exhausted and frustrated and sometimes I feel like all my efforts are for nothing, but then I come home and you pour me wine and fuck me senseless—”

“Um, make passionate love to my beautiful wife, I think you mean—”

“—then you make me pancakes for breakfast and listen to me complain about my day and even though that doesn’t make the problems go away it makes me feel like I can handle them. I can handle anything as long as you’re with me, and I’m happy, Killian.” She reached out and took his hand. “This is happily ever after,” she said softly, smiling into his eyes. “Everyone seems to think that that means your life is perfect but it doesn’t. It just means you’re happy despite the imperfections.”

“I’m happy with you, Emma,” he whispered, kissing her, leaning his forehead against hers, breathing her breath. “You're all I need, and I will never stop loving you.”

“I’ll never stop loving you,” she whispered back. They kissed again, deeper this time, a kiss tasting of pancakes and bacon and the years and years of joys and frustrations, triumphs and struggles, small victories and petty annoyances that they had to look forward to together. 

In that moment, despite the imperfections, they were perfectly, truly happy. 

[edsbrak]

a thousand times (in your arms)

pairing: Steddie word count: 4k summary: “It’s been stressing him out a bit, and I know he feels bad about not being home as often,” Eddie continues, not sure why he’s even saying any of this. But he knows Richie wouldn’t offer any pity, just a willing ear to listen. “I just wish he wouldn't worry so much.”

“Show him that, then,” Richie says, and Eddie looks at him, not expecting to receive any kind of advice in return.

Or, Stan has been working longer shifts and Eddie just wants to be a supportive husband.

Read on Ao3

(hey everyone! I’ve finally finished this fic, thank god, so now I can share this adorably sweet pairing with y’all! sorry in advance for mistakes, I’ll be back to correct them (hopefully) so for now, enjoy!) xx

Eddie shifts around a bit until he’s comfortable against the frame of the door, peering down at the lecture taking place with a small smile.

The class itself was a rather large one, at least twice as big as his own. It was an impressive feat, keeping the attention of all of these students sitting straight in their uncomfortable wooden seats, pens scribbling and fingers typing away.

Even after years of working together and watching each other teach hundreds of times, it still manages to light a fire of pride in Eddie’s chest as he looks down at his husband – the professor of this particular course – as he runs through the principles of financial accounting. Never before had Eddie thought anyone could keep him focused and interested in a topic like this, but as he watches Stan move about at the bottom of the room, poised movements and calculated speech, Eddie is sure he wouldn’t mind listening to this for the rest of his life.

There was only 10 minutes left until this class would be dismissed, so Eddie had decided to wait for Stan by his classroom before heading out to lunch together, all the while enjoying the view for all it has to offer. And Stan, never wanting to drag things out, recited the studies to be completed by next lesson before ending the class at exactly 12 on the dot. 

Students begin piling out of the room so Eddie steps out of the frame of the door, checking his emails on his phone in the hallway until it was safe to try and step back inside. Two girls walk past him before he can, and it’s hard to ignore the tail end of their conversation.

“God, I know Professor Uris is married, but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy staring at him for the entire hour,” one gushes as she turns to her friend.

“That’s a fucking mood,” the other one agrees and lets out a dramatic groan.

Eddie watches them go and can’t do anything else but laugh under his breath. He descends the steps of the classroom before finally reaching the bottom, watching as Stan begins to shut down the power-point presentation he had set up minutes before.

“Hey handsome,” Eddie greets, unable to help himself.

Stan’s head snaps up and then a gentle smile appears, but he doesn’t leave the laptop yet until he’s done. “Were you spying on me again?”

The tone is playfully teasing, Eddie can tell. So he turns around and takes a seat at the front, hands clasped in front of him as he stares ahead. “Can you blame me? I think you’d be voted the ‘Hottest Professor’ on this campus if a poll ever takes place.”

Stan gives him a funny look as he finally closes the laptop with a ‘click’. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh, nothing,” Eddie says, dusting away some loose crumbs on the desk. “I just overheard some of your fans in the hallway.”

Stan raises an eyebrow that’s mostly obscured by the frame of his glasses. Eddie swears he’s never seen glasses look sexier on anyone. “I find that hard to believe.”

“Well believe it, gorgeous,” Eddie smiles up at him and bats his eyelashes. “Now, dazzle me with your accounting charm. Woo me, oh great lecturer.”

“Didn’t you want to walk over to that Vietnamese place for lunch? The queue piles up quickly there. We should hurry.”

“You take the fun out of everything,” Eddie says with a pout.

Stan stares at him for a moment before walking over and leaning down so they’re now eye level. Eddie performs a kissing motion. Stan shakes his head slowly, gaze now hooded.

“You know what happens to students who don’t behave?” Stan asks, moving in until his lips are by Eddie’s ear. “They get punished.”

A pleasant shiver runs down his neck and along Eddie’s arms, and before he can retaliate, Stan is moving away and over to collect his messenger bag.

“Come on, let’s go.”

Eddie takes a few seconds to calm down the heat coursing through him before following after his husband, muttering “Tease,” under his breath.

*

“Man, if there was ever a ‘Hottest Professor’ vote taken on campus, I’d totally bag the crown,” Richie says the next day while he’s waiting for his coffee to brew. Eddie had only just mentioned in passing that he thinks Stan would win, so of course Richie had to share his opinion. “Plus, students love a professor who can joke around with them.”

“I guess graciousness wouldn’t make an appearance in your ruling, then,” Eddie says, making sure to get both chicken and lettuce when he stabs at the salad in front of him.

“I’d be more worried about the attention getting to his head,” Mike grins from over on the couches. “Students could probably just bat their eyelashes at him and he’d give them a passing grade.”

“Hey, no,” Richie objects, spilling some sugar on the counter as his hands flail about. “How dare you. I follow the proper guides to grading, just like everyone else.”

“Yeah, otherwise Beverly would probably have your ass fired,” Eddie says around a mouthful of food.

“Oh, she can fire my ass in more ways than one,” Richie winks, and Ben throws a stress ball at him from across the room.

“Gross,” Eddie mutters.

“Besides, you and Stan the Man blow each other’s chucks every other night, of course you’re biased,” Richie continues, sliding into the seat opposite Eddie as he mimes a blowjob.

Eddie narrows his eyes. “I didn’t need a visual, thanks.”

“I’ll have to object to that, Rich,” Mike says. “Stan is a very attractive gentleman.”

“I think Richard here is just jealous I’m actually getting some every week,” Eddie says through a smirk, and Ben makes an ‘ooo’ sound.

“Now, now children,” Mike scolds, but there’s a smile playing at his lips as he shakes his head. “We’re all adults here, remember?”

“What have I missed now?” comes Stan’s voice as he steps into the staff lounge.

“Well, I’m glad you asked Stanny—” Richie starts.

“No.”

“But—”

“No.” Stan repeats.

“Unfair,” Richie almost pouts. Sometimes Eddie really does wonder how he got a job as a professor. “Married couples should not work together. You guys get an advantage over the rest of us. Tag teamers.” He whispers the last part.

“You don’t have to be married to gang up on someone,” Ben interjects.

“Clearly,” Richie fakes offence.

Stan walks over to take the seat next to Eddie, pulling out an identical salad. He’d made it up for the both of them this morning – something about needing to use up the chicken before it went bad.

“Aw, look at that,” Richie nods and grins down at their food.

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think Richie wants to get married,” Stan muses, setting out his lunch until it’s neatly presented on the table. Eddie looks to Richie with a quirked brow.

“Hey, don’t get me wrong, I love love,” Richie says, and they hear Ben chuckle from behind them. “But as you said before, you don’t need to be married to share something with someone, including salad.”

“I’ll share a salad with you, buddy,” Mike says to Richie sympathetically.

Richie reaches out a hand to him dramatically. “Bless your heart, Mikey, you’re my only hoe.”

Mike gives him some finger guns before Ben’s cutting in with a question to distract them. Eddie never quite knows how the lunch hour they share at work continuously manages to stay this manic, but it’s always a nice break in between class after class and numbly grading more papers than he can count sometimes.

Early on in their relationship, Eddie found out Stan has this unique ability to calm him down, to some degree. During days where he gets too stressed about work, Stan was always there with some words of advice, or to give him a massage with his skilled hands. Even just having his husband sitting next to him was enough for Eddie to slump down in his chair and rest his head on Stan’s shoulder.

Stan’s left hand reaches down to squeeze Eddie’s thigh gently. “Hey,” he murmurs into the side of Eddie’s face. “I have to work late again tonight. Sorry I’ll have miss dinner.”

Eddie turns his head to meet his eyes, offering up a smile. “That’s alright. I can heat some up for you when you get home?”

“Sounds good,” Stan says and kisses his temple.

“Hey, if Stan’s not going to join you, I’ll happily eat whatever food you make, Eds,” Richie says, obviously having eavesdropped. “It makes me sad, thinking about you eating alone.”

“Richie, you eat alone almost every night,” Stan deadpans.

“By choice,” Richie says.

“I know,” Ben calls over to them. “We should sign Rich up for The Bachelor.”

“Ugh, that biphobic garbage? No thanks,” Richie laughs.

“Come on Ben, you should know better,” Mike says.

“Sorry, sorry,” Ben says and holds his hands up.

“Maybe I’ll make my own show,” Richie starts, standing up slowly as his eyes grow wide. “I’ll call it Dicked in Paradise. All of the contestants have to walk around in a banana costume – no fancy dress here. And instead of a ceremonial rose, you get a dildo.”

“That man has a PhD,” Stan whispers, as if a small part of him is dying. Eddie can’t help but laugh into his shoulder.

*

At the sound of rapping on the door, Eddie places the knife back down on the chopping board and curiously walks over to open it.

“Oh my God,” Eddie lets out a small laugh when he sees who it is. “You were serious when you said you were coming over to eat our food?”

“Serious as a heart attack, Spaghetti Man,” Richie says and sidesteps Eddie into his apartment, carrying a six-pack with him. Eddie is used to it at this point and closes the door after him. “So, what are we having?”

Together they spend the next hour drinking Richie’s beers as they slowly prepare all of the ingredients for a Thai green curry. Although, there was less preparation involved and more drinking, since any time Richie tried to help out with cutting up the vegetables Eddie would freak out, convinced Richie was going to hurt himself and get blood all over the counter.

“I’m not that incompetent with a knife you know,” Richie insists, though he lets Eddie take the knife away anyway and reaches for his drink again.

“And yet you’re over here stealing our dinner instead of making your own.”

“Touché,” Richie grins.

“How you and Bill manage survive by yourselves is beyond me,” Eddie says, sliding the vegetables into the large pan simmering away. “I’m glad you’re his neighbour or else I’m sure he wouldn’t remember to dress himself half the time.”

“Hey, don’t be knocking our swanky bachelor pads,” Richie says, and Eddie mouths ‘swanky’ with a shake of his head. “We’re totally competent people and perfectly happy the way things are. Oh—” Richie waves his hand at the food. “Can I take home a serve for Bill?”

“You’re both ridiculous.”

When the food is ready, Richie piles up a massive serve before moving out to the lounge room to eat. Typically, Eddie and Stan eat together at the table, so it’s always a bizarre feeling to change spots. But he settles down comfortably on the couch as Richie asks if they can have Seinfeld play on in the background.

“What’s Stan the Man doing anyway?” Richie asks around a mouthful of food.

Eddie plays with his rice as he answers, “Helping out Cindy with her overflow. I think they only have a week’s worth of paperwork left.”

“He’s a trooper, that one,” Richie says, attention briefly torn when the screen shows Kramer as he drops hundreds of nickels on the counter to pay for his food.

“It’s been stressing him out a bit, and I know he feels bad about not being home as often,” Eddie continues, not sure why he’s even saying any of this. But he knows Richie wouldn’t offer any pity, just a willing ear to listen. “I just wish he wouldn’t worry so much.”

“Show him that, then,” Richie says, and Eddie looks at him, not expecting to receive any kind of advice in return.

“How do you mean?”

“Just, like—” Richie starts, shifting around on the cushions and making a small noise. “Next time he’s home, do, like, fancy shit for him. Don’t tell him not to worry – prove that there’s no need for him too. Dress up nice or take him out for a night on the town or buy a new sex toy, whatever. The future is yours, my friend.”

“Thanks,” Eddie deadpans.

“Eds, I know he’s been missing you, too. Lord knows I hear it often enough,” Richie mumbles with a fond eye-roll.

Eddie feels his chest bloom with warmth, and decides to take Richie’s advice. He’ll treat Stan to a full day of delicacies and hopefully, if it all goes well, they can both forget about work for one night and spend it together instead.

*

 Eddie begins his plan by starting small.

For the remaining week where Stan will be working later most days, Eddie does things for his husband in ways that aren’t too extravagant, but enough to show he cares and that he supports him. Thanks to Eddie’s class being considerably smaller, and also having two sub teachers helping him with his students, he managed to wrap up the bulk of his work two weeks previous.

So Eddie uses his free time to continue cooking meals for them at home, testing out a few different recipes from a vegetarian cookbook Mike had gotten Stan for Christmas last year. Two of them had been great successes, and Stan promised to cook them again for them both one night.

Eddie goes out one evening to purchase some new bed sheets he’s had his eye on for a couple of months now. By the time he’s changed them over and Stan stumbles home, dead on his feet, Eddie drags him off to bed, tucking him underneath the covers and smiling at the surprised but pleased look Stan throws at him.

He even indulges Stan in the morning when Eddie feels his arousal press into his lower back, rutting against him ever so softly in the early light of the morning. During times like this at work, they tend to forget about pleasuring each other, simply being too busy. But Eddie can’t deny Stan this, missing it just as much, and goes down on him before they hop on over to share a quick shower.

In the six years they’ve been together, and married for two, Eddie has learned a lot about what it takes to make a commitment work. He knows being bitter towards Stan’s dedication to work would only end in them both being frustrated and upset, so he stays as understanding as he can. He’d been hesitant, in the beginning of their relationship, to go for what he really wanted. But Stan always proves to him, in his own way, how much he loves Eddie for who he is, patiently waiting for Eddie to come to terms with their developing coupling. They compliment each other in ways Eddie’s never experienced with another partner, and while they do have their arguments, Eddie’s never felt more confident in a relationship before.  

The journey was never stopping, and he knew he was ready to stick around until the end.

And finally, on the Saturday after Stan had officially completed his work, Eddie makes no move to wake them both up, instead taking the opportunity to doze, drifting in and out of sleep as he watches Stan softly lying next to him. It was as if a weight was lifted off both of them, and Eddie plans to utilise this freedom to its fullest.

Eventually, once he’s feeling more awake, he slips out of bed and over to the bathroom. He cleans himself up, sloshing around a decent amount of mouthwash before combing through his curls. When he walks back out, Stan has moved onto his back, hands clasped behind his head and eyes shut. Eddie sinks back onto the mattress and shimmies over to Stan, running a hand delicately over his chest.

“Morning,” Stan murmurs, curling an arm around Eddie to bring him in closer. He opens his eyes and smiles softly. “What’s that I hear? A whole day, uninterrupted, to spend with my husband? Surely not…”

Eddie smiles back, cupping both sides of Stan’s face and leaning down to kiss him, gentle and slow, before pulling back with a wet sound. “You better believe it.”

“We definitely don’t have any commitments today?” Stan checks. Eddie shakes his head, having previously made sure to keep this day open.

“To start, I thought we could make breakfast together,” Eddie suggests, now running his fingers through the curls behind Stan’s ears.

“Sure,” Stan says, caressing one of Eddie’s wrists. “I’m making my coffee Irish today. I think I need it.”

Eddie laughs quietly before leaning down to kiss him again.

*

“I think you might have a coffee addiction,” Stan muses, holding the door open as Eddie steps out of the bustling Starbucks.

“My love for coffee is perfectly average,” Eddie says, handing over one grande cup to Stan as they continue down the path. “Not my fault you asked for tea.”

Stan smiles before taking a light sip of his hot drink. Today is a beautiful spring day, and Eddie couldn’t be more glad for it. He’d spent last night preparing everything before Stan got home, checking the weather to make sure there wouldn’t be any light showers the next day.

He reaches out to twine their fingers together, and Stan squeezes back, swinging their hands between them slightly.

“So, where are you taking me?” Stan asks.

After their breakfast adventures that morning they had lazed about on the couch, doing the crossword together. Though Eddie spent most of his time kissing along Stan’s neck to distract him, and eventually it paid off when Stan got up to drag them both back to the bedroom. It had been hard to drag Stan into the shower and out of the apartment after that, but Eddie had promised it would be worth it.

“Well,” Eddie starts, side-eyeing him. “What do you think I have in my bag?”

Stan turns to look at it, as if just realising it’s there. “I have no idea. Tap shoes? Overdue library books? More whiskey so I can I make my tea Irish too?”

Eddie frowns at him funny. “I brought a picnic lunch for us.”

“Ah, so close,” Stan says, and Eddie bumps their hips together lightly.

They walk along through the city streets, basking in the feeling of not having the layer up anymore in the crisp winter air. The sun feels nice against Eddie’s skin, and as they’re waiting to cross at some lights he performs another checklist in his head to make sure he’s remembered everything. They make their way to the outer city limits where the botanical garden’s is located. There are couples and families everywhere, all enjoying the day for what it is, and Eddie pulls Stan around until they’re found a spot not yet overrun by people.

Eddie sets his backpack down and retrieves a blanket, laying it out messily until Stan ends up straightening it out. They settle down, partially shaded by the tree above, and Eddie carefully removes all of the foods he brought along with them.

“I won’t be needing dinner after this meal,” Stan laughs as he eyes the large spread before them.

“I wanted to be over prepared today,” Eddie says, somewhat bashfully. When he looks up, Stan is watching him closely, and without another word, leans over to kiss Eddie softly.

“Thank you.”

Eddie smiles. “You’re welcome, handsome.”

“Ah, I knew you just married me for my good looks,” Stan teases, resting on his elbow as he reaches out to grab one of the egg salad sandwiches Eddie made up.

“Yup,” Eddie says, taking the other sandwich half and biting into it. “You’re my trophy husband for sure.”

“For you baby, I’ll be anything,” Stan says and hums contently, and Eddie is still surprised when he feels his cheeks flush slightly.  

With his feet being exposed to the sun Eddie ends up slipping off his stuffy shoes after about 20 minutes, and Stan, cheekily acting as if it were botanical garden visiting protocol, does the same. The sky was mostly void of clouds, but there is a nice breeze blowing by that helped with some of the heat. At one point, a soccer ball landed near them and Eddie, never wanting to miss an opportunity, attempts to kick it back to the kids but ends up narrowly missing the pond featurette.

“If your aim was to get it as far away from the kids as possible then you did it, honey,” Stan teases when Eddie returns.

“Funny,” Eddie says and throws a single grape at him.

“Don’t waste grapes,” Stan whispers.

Eddie waggles his eyebrows and grabs an entire bunch, standing again and backing up a few steps, challenging. “I bet I can get ten in my mouth – in a row.”

“That’s childs play,” Stan says through squinted eyes, taking the bet. “The usual wager?”

“Bring it.”

When they were out of grapes and couldn’t possibly eat any more food, Eddie stops them both and suggests they catch up on their reading, eager to finish off a book he’s two thirds in.

“I didn’t bring my glasses, though,” Stan points out until Eddie grabs them from his bag along with Stan’s bookmarked George Shearing autobiography. “My, you sure do think of everything.”

Eddie smiles smugly before they both make themselves comfortable on the rug, with Stan’s head resting in Eddie’s lap so he can run his fingers through Stan’s hair. Eddie notices it’s getting to that almost-too-long stage, but figures another week or so won’t hurt him as he twirls a long curl around his finger.

It isn’t until later that Eddie finds he had fallen asleep, his own glasses askew on his face as he wakes up to Stan smiling behind his phone as he finishes snapping a picture of him.

“Ugh, I hate you,” Eddie grumbles.

“I think we should come here more often,” Stan says with a grin.

*

When they make it back to their apartment an hour later Eddie knows he should probably start putting all of the leftover food away and rinse out the containers, but it’s to no shock that his body is desperately crying out for a nice bubble bath and some red instead. But then, if he’s being even more honest, all he really wants is to head to the bedroom to clock in some much needed time to reacquaint himself with Stan’s hands and legs and chest and his everything.

“Thank you for that lovely Eddie-cation,” Stan murmurs into Eddie’s temple.

Eddie smiles, shifting one hand up and under Stan’s shirt as the other runs lightly over Stan’s collarbone. Stan’s hands have found their own way to Eddie’s hips as he draws their bodies together, foreheads bumping as Eddie whispers, “I won that bet, remember?”

“I remember,” Stan nods, now cupping Eddie’s face as he angles it, leaning down to seal their lips together.

Eddie makes a small noise, their tongues meeting languidly, indulging in letting Stan take the lead for one moment before he manages to tear himself away to suck in a deep breath. He backs up, fingers slipping into the gaps between Stan’s shirt buttons as they shuffle towards the bedroom.

“Today is about you, baby,” Eddie says, licking his lips. “I’m taking the lead, so you just sit back and enjoy the ride, okay?”

Stan grins, and the sound of clothes shedding begins.

*

Mind dizzy on endorphins and heartbeat loud in his ears, Eddie slips out of Stan before collapsing on the bed, loving the feeling of their new, cool sheets against his hot skin. Stan flops next to him, breathing in quick, little pants as they wait to calm down.

“So,” Eddie groans, rolling onto his side to face Stan properly. “Did you have a nice day?”

Stan laughs, a touch disbelieving. “It was amazing, yes. Thank you.”

“I’m glad,” Eddie breathes, eyes slipping shut.

“Not sure what I did to deserve it, but… thank you,” Stan says, quieter.

Eddie peaks at him through one open eye. “You’ve been working so hard these past few weeks, don’t think I haven’t noticed. I couldn’t be more proud of you.”

“With this kind of reward? Watch my motivation skyrocket,” Stan says.

Eddie throws him a well deserved eye-roll before his thoughts drift back to when they arrived home. “I think I want my dinner tonight to just be a bottle of red. What do you think?”

“I think you may be onto something there,” Stan says, and even though they really need to shower, Eddie makes time for one more long, lazy kiss shared between lovestruck smiles.

[heyitmelexie]

Finally happy

Pairing: Harry Styles x Plus Size! Reader Word count: 2860 Warnings: None (just fluff, talk about insecurities) Author’s Note: Hi babes! This is my first imagine ever and I am sorry if there are some spelling mistakes or grammar mistakes (I am German). Took me some hours to write this. If you have any advice for me - just tell me! I will be happy about it :) If you want to be tagged in this story, also just ask me. Will not be a problem! <3 Enjoy reading!

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Growing up as an overweight kid has never been easy. Mean words, disgusted looks, and shameless talking were the things you got used to over the years, but still, they hurt. You don't show its affection for you, that would just make things worse. So instead of giving them dirty looks or talking back to them, you just put your chin a little higher in the air and walk past them to show them their words meant nothing to you and this made you a bit more confident about myself. A big support are, of course, your family and friends who always assured you that there was nothing to be ashamed of and that you were beautiful the way you are. But you never quite believed it. Sure, they probably really think that, but you? You don't. You felt nothing but disgust for yourself, always wanting to lose weight, be skinny like all those models, be fit like them, beautiful like them. Doubting that you'd ever find a boyfriend staying this big size. Being uncomfortable in your own skin also meant you couldn't really live out your hobbies, fearing nobody would like what you do.

One of those hobbies was singing.

Oh, how you wished you could just walk on a stage in front of thousands of people and sing from the bottom of your heart. But instead of trying your luck you'd rather sing in the school choir which was already a huge step but the only way for you to free your voice without anybody only seeing you. It filled yourself with joy to sing these beautiful notes and create a melody along with the rest of the choir that would make people happy when they heard you. After graduation, you started studying. It was calm, better than school. You made new friends pretty quickly since many students rather care about you as a person then judging you by your look. With them, you sometimes attended Karaoke nights, but the first few times only watching.

That one night though, half into your first semester, changed your life completely.

You've been at a friends place and with all your other friends you started Karaoke. Everyone said that you should at least give it a try and with their annoying, nonstop try to convince you, you gave in and faced your biggest fear: Presenting yourself in front of people. Unfortunately, you didn't get to choose the song so you just had to get along with "Halo" by Beyoncé which was one of your favorites actually. Starting very shaky, quiet and uncomfortable you sang along the playback. But their sweet words motivated you and made you feel better so slowly you started to sing louder, to put your whole heart into the song. When it ended you just heard loud clapping and cheering and was flooded with compliments. It felt good. Better than ever before. Since that night you always sang along with your friends and had the best fun in those nights. What you didn't know was that they were recording sometimes when you were singing so it was a big surprise to you that one day you received a letter from "The Voice" saying that they invite you to the Blind Auditions. Of course, your friends were standing around you when you opened the letter and screamed at the top of their lungs along with you. 

You couldn't believe it. Was your dream really coming true? A month later after very much training and voice-coaching you attended the Blind Auditions singing "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera, putting all your heart into it, pouring all your emotions into it and you really did it, four chairs turned around for! What came after were very stressful weeks. You always did your best but every week you were afraid to lose. In the end, you didn't win but were within the last four candidates. Thanks to a lot of promos and the popularity of this show a quite professional and prominent producer asked you to have a contract with him - of course, you agreed!

Today, three years later, you are a rather famous singer and plus-size model, working on your second album.  You also caught the attention of some of the best singers like Ed Sheeran and Demi Lovato, who you produced duets with, which increased your popularity and fanbase extremely. You got invited to dozens of galas, premieres, and award shows, living your dream to the fullest. There was just one thing missing: a boyfriend. With all the things you did and all the appointments you had there wasn't really time to think about this part of your life but sometimes you just felt lonely. Wishing for a man that would hold, love and worship you. But the job took all your attention. When working on some lyrics for a new song this morning you received a call from your manager. "Y/N, I have an invitation for you to the premiere of Dunkirk in three days. Flights are already booked as well as the hotel room. The makeup artist is booked too and will get you ready then." he said.  You have already heard about that movie which was based on the book by Christopher Nolan - wonderful work. But something else was ringing in your head. Dunkirk... Dunkirk... wait there is something that you heard about that movie some weeks ago that took you by surprise. Wasn't- "There is something else, Y/N. I received a mail from the manager of Harry Styles. He asked if you are interested in making a song with him." Then it clicked. Harry Styles was playing a role in Dunkirk! That was it! But you didn't think about that anymore you were already squealing with excitement. "Oh my god, wow, really? Of course, I want!" you said. Harry Styles. You had a huge crush on him for YEARS! He was all over your room some years ago. "I thought you would say yes so I already emailed him saying you agreed," he said, laughing about your excitement. "I also got the information that Harry would love to talk to you about it at the premiere of Dunkirk. That is why you have gotten the invitation."  You couldn't be any happier. Harry Styles wanted to record a song with you. He is the reason you got invited to the premiere. This was the best day ever. - 3 DAYS LATER -

You just got ready, now on your way to the red carpet. Nervous you looked out of the window. This wasn't new to you anymore. But the fact that you are about to see Harry Styles was making you feel terribly nervous. Crushing on such a gorgeous man was not easy for you, always saying to yourself that he'd never be interested in you in this way. He always dated models and super gorgeous, famous women that you just couldn't hold up with. With a nauseous feeling, you arrived and the door of the car was held open. You took a deep breath, put on the biggest smile and stepped out of the car already greeted by loud screaming and your name being called. With your fans there you felt better, happily posing for photos, giving autographs and short interviews . After some time you made your way into the building, took a drink and looked around. You happily chatted with some persons, exchanging compliments and just casual chit-chat. When it was time to take seats you were looking around to find yours and quickly sat down just to see that you were seated next to Harry who greeted you with a huge grin on his face. "It is so nice to meet you Y/N! I absolutely love your music and I was happy about your agreement on a duet" he said, smiling sweetly all the time. "Why should I ever say no? It is such a pleasure to be able to work with you. I am a big fan of yours for quite a long time already. I am really looking forward to this" you answered, smiling like an idiot. You two continued to chat for a while until they started the programme. Right before they began to play the movie he leaned over to you and said quietly "By the way, you look absolutely gorgeous." A deep blush crept onto your cheeks and you couldn't help but look at him and giggle softly. "Look who's talking, Styles" you answered, making him grin widely. During the film you two kept silent, concentrating on what was happening on screen. Afterward, you complimented him on his acting talent which you didn't know was THAT good. You showered him with compliments not noticing the dark blush on his cheeks. He was proud of himself and such sweet compliments made him extremely happy. You talked a lot about your music, about casual things in your lives and most importantly about the work you will do together. You couldn't wait to start. - 1 WEEK LATER - Working with Harry was pretty nice. He had wonderful ideas for the lyrics as well as for the melody and he always looked super cute whenever he was concentrating on something with a little frown on his face. What you didn't notice was the cute smile he had on his face whenever you talked about the lyrics and some ideas and especially whenever he heard you sing. It warmed his heart, he just loved to listen to your beautiful voice. Whenever you weren't watching he would just stare at you lovingly and get lost in the sweetness of your voice, warming his whole body. He was unsure about asking you out, not knowing how his fans would react. It was always different and he wanted to make sure you wouldn't get hurt by anything. But to be honest, he has laid his eyes on you since the first time he saw you on TV and that was when you had your Blind Audition. He adored everything about you. Your soft tummy, your strong and thick legs, your beautiful face and stunning smile. But most of all he worshipped your wonderful voice. He thought you have a talent that not many people have, a strong and powerful voice which still held so many emotions. He was simply amazed by you. You weren't aware of what Harry thought of you. All you could think about was not to embarrass yourself in front of him. Not being able to ignore the negative thoughts, you made sure to not look at him too often, trying your best not to seem like a total freak. Because you knew that if you would look at him for a while you would start staring and you were sure as hell that he'd find that pretty strange. But Harry wouldn't mind. Actually, he'd love to be stared at by you, being able to look into your beautiful eyes that held so much joy, he thought to himself. This whole week he was arguing in his head if he should ask you out or not and today was the day. He would do it. After you two called it a night and packed up your stuff he walked up to you. "Hey Y/N, I'd like to ask you something." He looked rather nervous. Why was he nervous? "Sure go ahead" you answered, smiling softly at him. "I wanted to know if ya'd like to go out with me? Like... spontaneously. Right now?" he asked, scratching the back of his head. You blinked. Wait a minute... Harry Styles just asked you to go on a date with him? RIGHT NOW? "I uhm... uh yeah sure. I'd actually love to" you answered, feeling that blush creeping up to your cheeks. He seemed relieved and smiled that gorgeous smile of him. "Sweet! Let's go then" he answered and offered his arm which you gladly took and followed him out to his car. While driving he asked you what you'd like to eat and you two agreed on Chinese takeaway. After you got the food he drove a little out of the city and stopped at a small cliff from where at you could see all over the city with the night sky blinking above. The sky was clear and you could see all of the stars and some pink and purple shadows. It was beautiful. While you were amazed by the stars, staring up at the sky, Harry looked at you with a small smile on his lips. "You are so beautiful," he said, a little shocked himself since he didn't want to say it out loud. But it slipped and made you turn your head to look at him, surprised. "Wh-What did you say?" You couldn't quite believe it. Did he... "I said you're so beautiful" he repeated, smiling a little, lowering his head. While you were staring at him surprised he spread out a blanket and sat down on it with the food. Sitting down you silently looked at him. "You think I am beautiful?" you whispered, surprised. "Actually I think you are absolutely breathtaking", he said while giving you the food, a light blush on his cheeks. He looked up and you immediately locked eyes. "Your eyes are so beautiful. The way the stars are shining in them takes my breath away" he continues. "I could stare into them forever. Your smile makes my heart go wee within a second and sometimes it seems like the world around us is stopping just because you flash me a tiny smile." The side of his mouth curls a little and he starts eating. But he continues. 

"I love your voice so much. No matter what you do. Whether you talk about something you love or say some random stuff, I just love listening to you. And when you start to sing..." He closes his eyes for a moment. "I have no words for the feeling I have every time I hear you sing. It is absolutely mesmerizing." He smiles to himself, eating. You just look at him, all flushed with disbelief in your eyes. "How can you think of me as beautiful? I mean-" You don't have the chance to go on because he interrupts you with a serious face. "Because you're "fat"? Lemme tell you a thing, you are not fat. You are soft. I absolutely adore your body. Your squishy tummy, your thick legs... You are absolutely perfect in my eyes." He whispers. "But... you used to date thin women, models. Women that are truly beautiful..." you said, feeling very insecure at this moment. "And it never truly made me happy." He said, looking down. "I don't want to fulfill society's expectations in dating a thin woman. I love curvy women, always have. I want to have something to hold on, to squeeze, to worship. I want someone like you." He looked at you, a tear rolling down his cheek. "I finally want to be happy." You didn't know what to say. Harry Styles... actually loved your body? The biggest issue in your whole life and from one second to another he just makes all your insecurities go away with some words? "Harry, I... I don't know what to say" you finally admitted. "No man has ever said something so sweet and wonderful about me... No man has ever just looked at me the way you do now. It feels like you blow all the negative things in my life away with just... a word." You couldn't help the tear that was rolling down your cheek. Happiness. That was the only emotion you were feeling now. Pure happiness. Harry giggled softly and wiped away the tear with his thumb, resting his palm against your cheek. With his thumb, he softly strokes over your cheekbone. "I will never be at loss for words when I talk about you. There is so much I can say. About your eyes, your cute little nose, your perfectly kissable lips, your soft hair, soft skin, soft body. I could just look at you forever" he admitted. And you lost it. The tears just ran down your face in small rivers but despite that you were smiling the biggest smile, resting your own hand over his. "Oh, look who's talking. You have no clue how much I could say about you, handsome mister" giggling lightly you sniffled and wiped away some of the tears.   Without another word, Harry leaned forward and kissed you softly. You were melting into him, smiling against his lips and cupping his face in your hands. Sitting with Harry beneath the stars, kissing, you forgot about everything bad that has ever happened to you in the past and just looked forward into the future you would have with him. You were so happy. You were in love.

-------------------------------

@pendantstyles @aqua-harry @bribe-the-door @xplussizereaderx @plus-size-reader @mcuplussizereader @imultifandomstuff  

[lavendermenaceart]

Broken Pieces||Chapter 7||

Tag list:  @stilinskis-banshee , @captainreid , @ultrarebelheart , @cynbx

General TW for this chapter: Omitted threats of violence, stalking.

Chapter 1||Chapter 2||Chapter 3||Chapter 4||Chapter 5|| Chapter 6||

Voices woke you. You could tell they were trying to be hush but whatever they were talking about was agitating as their voices rose. As you rubbed your eyes and tip-toed to the door of your room, trying to get an understanding of the conversation.

“I’m sorry I just don’t think it’s healthy for you to be here, and to continue being with her. I mean we didn’t even know you were still together for-”

“Emily, I’m sorry but you don’t really know what you’re talking about, do you?” The venom in Spencer’s voice made even you recoil.

Emily scoffed and you could imagine the offended look on her face. You felt like you were going to vomit. You were doing your best to support and take care of Spencer and somehow that wasn’t enough to show your devotion?

“I’m just trying to look out for you, Spencer.” Her voice lowered, taking a sympathetic tone.

“Emily, I really think you need to leave.” You couldn’t stop yourself as you stepped out of your room, into view.

Spencer nodded, taking hold of the door, ready to close it. “I appreciate your concern, but Y/N and I are fine. We are more than fine, we are great and I don’t know where I would be right now if it weren’t for them.” With that, he shut the door in her face.

You looked at each other for a moment before you met him with an embrace. You couldn’t even fathom leaving him now, of all times. You couldn’t imagine what Emily was thinking. Of course, she saw the accident. She didn’t see you taking care of Spencer, She didn’t see the kisses you shared or the way you found yourself looking at him in your idle time.

“I love you so much.” You mumbled into his neck, giving sweet little pecks in the curve of it.

He hummed softly, leaning into your kisses. “I love you, too. Forget about that, okay? We’re fine. You are, uhm, absolutely the best thing in my life right now.”

You felt yourself smile, looking up to see his eyes darting around as a blush bloomed across his cheeks.

“Like-wise.” You giggled, kissing his nose playfully, earning a smile from Spencer.

The next few days were easy going, for the most part. Your days were spent finding new distractions, new coping mechanisms. You both spent time on the floor of the living room, books splayed all around your bodies as you took turns reading to each other. You usually picked fiction and technical books on ecology or zoology. Spencer liked to read poetry and biographies to you. Nights were spent holding each-other and even making love a few times.

You had brought up the idea of Spencer just talking to you, venting, telling you why he felt the need to use and what started it all, but he brushed the suggestion off. It was frustrating and things came to a head as you were preparing dinner one night. He had been moody all day, refusing to take part in the usual readings you both did and going so far as to tell you to read to yourself when you tried reading his favorite poem back to him.

You watched him sulking on the couch as you tried to figure something out. You don’t really know why but you found yourself staring at a glass plate that sat drying on the counter. You were waiting for the water to boil on the stove so you could make pasta so you thought you had some time to kill.

“Here goes nothing…” You muttered to yourself, lifting the plate before smashing it on the ground. You picked up a mug when Spencer rushed to take it from you.

“Y/n, what the hell are you doing?” He cried out, gingerly putting the mug back on the counter. He carefully started to lift the glass pieces off the ground.

You growled, taking another glass plate and smashing it on the ground, safely away from where Spencer was crouched.

“Oh my god, what is…?” He stood, looking into your eyes.

“You’ve been sulking all fucking day, Spencer.” You balled your fist at your side, leaning towards him. “It’s frustrating!! You won’t even try to talk to me!”

He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. “I just- I don’t want to, okay?”

“You’re going to have to for this relationship to work, Spencer! How can I help if I know nothing about your situation? You basically spent months ignoring my existence and I don’t deserve to know why?” You were surprised to find your rage actually building. This was originally supposed to fake, something to pry words from Spencer. It felt good. The pressure that had been placed on your shoulders to be perfectly empathetic only to Spencer’s emotions and not your own lifting slightly.

“I was kidnapped and he shot me up with Dilaudid to keep me complicit, okay!? Is that what you wanted?” His voice rose, his eyes full of a new fire as he looked into yours.

You recoiled, looking down at your feet before furrowing your brows and glaring back at his face. “Yes! That’s such an important fucking thing and you didn’t even think to tell me?! You know how worried I am every time you leave for a case. I deserved to know that! I could have helped you...I wouldn’t have had to be in the hospital before if you had just told me.”

It was Spencer’s turn to recoil, his face softening. You had expected him to continue yelling but instead, he just wrapped his arms around you. You were so stunned you couldn’t manage to return the gesture.

“I know...and...and you did deserve to know. I was just so ashamed...I was so scared you would leave me so I tried to leave first...but I couldn’t bring myself to. I thought it would be better if I just stopped talking to you so you could make the decision yourself.” He pressed a kiss into your hair. “The last thing I expected was for you to stay. I’ll work to make it up to you, even if it means talking about my feelings.” He sighed softly.

You were still in a sort of state of shock. You’d become used to caring for him and you didn’t realize how badly you needed to hear these words. You wanted him to tell you that you deserved better, that he truly cared. You didn’t need him to make up for it, you just needed him to love you like he used to.

You slowly wrapped your arms around him, nuzzling into his chest. “So, what’s bothering you today?”

You felt his shoulder lift and fall in a shrug. “I just...I’m craving and it’s frustrating. It’s been fine for the past few days, the distractions and everything working. Today I guess I just...wanted to...wallow.” He looked away, shame in his features.

You understood. Some days you let your depression and anxiety rule you so much you wouldn’t leave the bed. You knew what you needed to do to get better but just refused to do it. You nodded, reaching up to play with a lock of his hair.

“I know how that can be...There will be days like that, but know I will be there by your side to push you through them, okay?”

He studied your face before smiling lovingly down at you. The way he looked in that moment made butterflies stir in the pit of your stomach. You had to remember to breathe as he pressed his lips to yours. As he pressed your body against the counter behind you, you heard the sizzling of water hitting the hot stove as it boiled over.

You both blushed, chuckling while righting yourselves. “Oh, yeah. Dinner…” You mumbled, carrying on the preparations.

You chatted idly while eating, and you even chose to snap a picture of the pasta aglio e olio and posting it to your private Instagram. You had a business Instagram for your art strictly, and a private insta for friends and family. Of course, you took the picture when Spencer wasn’t looking. He would probably judge you for doing it.

That night you made love before drifting off into a peaceful sleep. You had plans with Penelope yesterday and while you were sleeping, Emily sent a text to apologize for her actions. Everything felt like it was going to be okay for the first time in a while. You were ignorant to think that. While you slept peacefully, seemingly safely in Spencer’s arms, something you should have feared was underway.

It had been a month since the night you broke the glass on the kitchen floor. A month after Emily apologized, which turned into a close friendship. Spencer had gone back to work and was without incident. He talked about his feelings more and made sure to tell you when he was craving. It was roughest after he had to go back to living in his apartment. Things were now looking up, though. He hadn’t mentioned craving in 5 days and had stayed the night since the team had a few days off(Hopefully.)

“Oh, You got mail. I put it on the kitchen table.” Spencer let you know, sitting down amongst the piles of books on your living room floor.

“Thanks, babe.” You loved getting mail, usually from an elderly person hoping to commission you or an artistic fan who felt like a letter would grab your attention.

As your eyes scanned the writing and the other contents of the letter, you felt ice cold fear wrap it’s snake-like body around your heart and slink up your spine. The words were sick and violent, pictures of you included in the envelope. You stood frozen, unsure what to do in this moment. Spencer was going through a huge transition in his life and he seemed to be doing so well. Did the team need something like this? Surely this was just a harmless troll.

Spencer was absorbed in a book but after a few moments of peeking back forth between you and the pages, he decided to speak up “Love, are you okay?”

You jumped slightly but nodded your head, turning towards him. “Yeah, I’m fine. It’s just someone asking for a commission. Elderly people like to send letters rather than email usually.” You shrugged, stuffing the pictures and letter back in the envelope. You scurried back to your room, stuffing the envelope into your the top drawer of your dresser. You checked your phone, finally deciding to check your email.

You felt your stomach lurch and your hands start to shake with anxiety when you saw at least 15 emails, all violent and disgusting like the letter. All sent from different emails, which you blocked. From what you read they all seemed to be written by the same person. Within a few seconds, you crashed into your bathroom, hunching over the toilet to wretch the contents of your stomach up.

Spencer was by your side in a moment, but you were far gone from your body. You felt detached, trying to calm yourself. They couldn’t be real. This couldn’t be happening to you of all people.

After you felt more within your body you waved Spencer off, following him into the living room where he ordered pizza and grabbed his favorite poetry book to read to you. You laid your head in his lap, watching his Adam's apple bob and the expressions he made while he read.

This was how it was supposed to be, and no one was going to ruin it. You were safe. It’s just a troll. You were safe. Were safe. Were.

[female-overlord-3]

A Simple Text

Me being productive and super inspired wrote another Love, Simon/ SVTHSA fic. Earlier meeting in the books guys so book spoilers. AO3 tags pretty much explains why I wrote it. Thank you so much to @imawriteriwrite and @bluemoon-golden for both looking it over and being my beta’s! Love you both. This is fluff and might lead to more (read: yes there’s gonna be more if this writing streak continues)! 

*updated 4/1/18 at 4am cause I realized I put the pre-beta’d version. Oops!

An early meeting AU because someone just wanted their best friend happy. What if Simon saw Bram leaving the Elliott Smith shirt? 

They stare at each other frozen. Simon doesn’t know what to think. Bram doesn’t know what to think. It’s like the universe stopped just for this moment to signify how important it is, how life changing this one simple moment is.

It was just a simple text to grab a textbook.

Si man please grab my Math textbook? I left it in Abb’s locker like an absolute moron and it had all my notes! Please please please Simon I will love you forever! -Nick

So here he is standing just a few feet from his and Abby’s locker because Nick asked since Simon was nearby and needed some air. Bram is standing in front of his locker with a plastic bag looped through the handle of a locker staring wide eyed at him, his hands frozen writing something on a piece of paper against the locker. Simon’s locker.

At first Simon doesn’t know what Bram is doing until he sees something white poking out from the bag. ‘No this isn’t-’ His thoughts are racing and he takes a step forward shattering the moment. Like the star athlete he is, Bram bolts the opposite way, pen, paper and bag forgotten as he disappears down the hall. Completely at a loss Simon just stands there in utter shock until his eyes turn back to the bag on his locker. Slowly, he makes his way over and hesitates before removing the bag and peaking inside.

It’s a jersey cotton t-shirt with a logo from Elliott Smith’s Figure Eight. He looks down at it in complete awe then his eyes the paper and pen laying on the floor. It’s blue green construction paper and written on it is a finished note.

I’m assuming Elliott understood that you would have made it to his shows if you could have.

Simon stands frozen again as his brain tries to stop imploding. It’s Blue, Bram is Blue. Cute, adorable, quiet, shy Bram is Blue. Some things are starting to click like as he stares at the perfectly straight print on the note, those times Bram blushed at him, the comment about how being straight or white as the default is annoying, Bram who had his birthday after MLK day which means 118 is January 18th his birthday and Green from Greenfeld. God he’s an absolute oblivious idiot!

Putting the note in the bag Simon turns around to walk back to his car on shaky legs. Somehow he drives himself home without crashing into something, makes it upstairs to his room without trouble, then falls face first on his bed still in disbelief. Shouldn’t he be doing something? Why is he just laying here, doing nothing while the guy he’s in love with is out there and so close?

No Blue needs space. He needs time and he must be as shocked or at least freaked out about being found out and- oh god there was a reason he was there so late with the school pretty much dead. He didn’t want to be seen, for people to know he left the shirt. Pulling the shirt out and tossing the bag behind him to get rid of later, Simon holds it in front of him just just stare at it again. It’s just a t-shirt, some fabric with a bands logo and it shouldn’t mean so much but holy shit it does. This shirt means the world to him after the decreasing messages from Blue which was horrible, and especially after the last one Simon sent getting no reply.

Groaning he buries his face into it hoping maybe he can smother himself with it in frustration. No he can’t do that now with such a special shirt and a very special someone out there. Simon takes a deep breath then lifts his face from the shirt only to feel something stiff when his hands move the shirt. Spreading out so the shirt lays flat, he lifts the neck to see inside and there’s another piece of Blue Green construction paper. It’s a note with the same perfect print.

P.S. I love the way you smile like you don’t realize you’re doing it. I love your perpetual bed head. I love the way you hold eye contact a moment longer than you need to. And I love your moon-grey eyes. So if you think i’m not attracted to you, Simon, you’re crazy.

Below the script is a phone number and Simon doesn’t know whether to text or call the number right now or just wait because he is really lightheaded and feels like he’s going to pass out. His heart is beating like crazy, whole body buzzing with warm tingles while a smile so big breaks across his face, cheeks aching because he knows who Blue is and Blue gave him his number.

They need to talk, to figure everything out and- and he needs to tell this stupidly cute and frustrating guy how much he loves him too.

Now the big question: how?

-

Bram runs, he runs and runs until he’s back on the field where Garrett is waiting for him to take him home. Garrett is smiling at him until he sees the panicked look on his face, concern replacing the excitement. “Bram you okay man?”

Panting he just stares at his best friend and for some reason the question makes him laugh. God is he okay, ya if what just happened is as okay as their new president. No he’s actually horrible and terrified because the person he’s in love with now knows who he is, that he’s Blue and everything is ruined because he’s going to lose this amazing guy. His laugh turns a bit hysterical for a second before he has to catch his breath again, his legs turned to jelly so he stumbles and lets himself drop on to the grass so he can just lay in his back and hope for lightning to hit him or the ground to swallow him up.

Once his breathing is something close to normal he lets out a long sigh and closes his eyes. “I- I’m not sure. I don’t think so.”

He hears Garrett’s feet walking over and sit next to him, just being there as silent support. “I hope you get to okay.” He finally commented as they sit there for a bit longer before silently standing and walk to Garrett's car to head home.

Bram thanks Garrett for the ride and it’s only once he’s in his room lying on his bed, that he starts actually thinking about what happened.

Now Simon knows who he is. Now Simon has is number. Oh god now Simon has his number and the notes he left!

Bram wants to just die already or maybe he can stay in his room forever. He doesn’t know how to feel about this. He’s both horrified this happened but also a little excited. Of course the horror overrides the excitement but now Simon knows who he is, that he’s Blue.

What should he do now? Bram asks himself. Should he email him? Wait to see if Simon uses his number? Wait til tomorrow? He doesn’t want to because honestly right now all of that seems terrifying and now he’s starting to get nauseous.

Taking a bit to think about it, waiting til tomorrow sounds the best for right now. If he loses Simon then he loses Simon. If he gets some form of reply about the shirt or who he is… he’ll cross that bridge if it ever happens.

He gladly let’s sleep take him so today can be behind him.

-

Nick, Leah, and Abby are all settled in the basement at Simon’s after Simon begged and pleaded with his friends to help him so he spilled his verbal guts to them about Blue and eventually Martin. Nick finally caved and told Simon that he actually didn’t leave his textbook. He didn’t say who asked him to do it but that all he had to do was get Simon back on campus and to his locker as soon as possible. For some reason that just makes Simon feel worse.

It takes a literal stranger to make him see who Blue was. Simon was so stuck on all the wrong clues and his stupid crush on Cal to see what was literally right in front of him.

Sinking to the floor Simon just lets out a loud sigh before he looks at Nick with morose eyes. “Tell whoever that is thank you and that i’m a colossal idiot.” Nick just grins at him as he nudges his best friend with his foot. “Ya I will but first we gotta get your guy back!”

Leah and Abby grab his arms to pull him up and bring everyone into a group hug.

Once the questions and teasing was done, the crazy hopeful plan they all come up with is ready to be set into motion.

If everything goes well, Simon reluctantly agrees to go to this restaurant place Abby insists they should celebrate at but he remains firm on Bram only coming if he's comfortable doing so. Leah seems hesitant on joining but she concedes when Simon asks her to be his moral support. If she doesn’t like the place then they’ll take her home.

God Simon hopes this works.

-

Bram drives to school in an almost numb mood. He goes through the motions of parking and heading to his locker but the realization of Nick standing at it catches his attention. “Hey Nick.” He greets him a bit confused. Nick isn’t usually this early and he’s almost always with Abby, Leah or Simon in the morning.

“Morning Bram!” Nick beams at him before seeming to remember why he’s there. His smile turns a little sheepish but doesn’t fall as he brings out something from behind him.

It’s a piece of paper and a large case of Halloween themed Oreo's.

Bram blinks at it before his tired brain makes everything click, his eyes go a little wide as they flick back and forth from Nick to the Oreo's.

“Um ya so ‘you know who’ is really really sorry but also a complete idiot. He- I mean they also say that he hopes this is romantic as hell.”

Bram takes the offered items, or well he supposes they’re gifts now, a little shocked at what’s happening before his eyes go down to the paper in Simon’s script decorated with soccer balls and his shirt number, to read it. It’s a letter.

Dear Blue,

I am a complete ass and i’m so sorry for being such an idiot. This is a very hopeful apology, the first out of three. I should have put all the damn clues together way sooner but of course i’m still dense and can’t seem to apply actual logic to these types of things. I guess you make me illogical. Leah and Abby punched me when Nick told me with a very disappointed face your full name was Abraham. I also realize that i’m even more of a moron and what 118 means.

I still meant what I said about the last email. You’ve become my best friend and I still want to keep you but this goes however you want it to go. We can go back to emailing and not knowing each other’s real identities or by some miracle you can accept these poor attempts at a romantic gesture. Abby has my next apology.

-Love, Simon.

Bram can’t seem to breathe as he rereads the paper again then one more time to make sure he’s not actually dreaming. His eyes cautiously peer up to Nick who’s still smiling as he leans with his back against the lockers.

Nick just shrugs. “I think I know why Garrett sent me a text now.” He gives Bram a pat on the shoulder before wishing him good luck and heading to his own locker.

Left standing there Bram kind of wants to sink to the floor into a puddle because of course Simon would want to do something like this. Taking a deep breath he tries to calm all these whirling emotions and head to first period, the paper folded and tucked into his bag while he puts the Oreo's in his locker. Guess he just has to wait for Abby now.

He doesn’t catch her until the passing period between second and third. Her face lights up when she spots him and with determination she makes her way to him.

“Hey Bram! We’re heading out to eat after rehearsal. Join us if you want to, I was told not to pressure you so i’m going to just give you these and be on my way. Garrett is tagging along so just find him. Again a serious idiot who is willing to grovel. Leah will be at lunch.” She gives his shoulders a gentle squeeze when Bram’s eyes widen in fear. “Hey simple and quiet. No one is going to know unless you want them to okay.” She reassures him and it actually helps. “Thanks.” She hands him a CD case and another paper, this one decorated with music notes, lyrics to some songs, and the Elliott Smiths shirt. He takes them quickly and gives Abby a small smile before dashing to his next class.

Settled in his seat Bram finally looks over the CD case to see a list of songs, all their shared favorites, and the letter which he’s extremely tempted to read so he asks to go to the bathroom to do so away from prying eyes.

Dear Blue,

Music has always helped me calm down and find some semblance of peace. I added all the songs we’ve mentioned and a couple of new ones I think you might like. If you haven’t noticed all the awesome art is thanks to Leah and before you freak out about them knowing, they swore on WAHO that they’d never say a word. I think they’re all more protective of you than me right now which is a given since I did some very shitty things to warrant it. It’s because of them I was able to think of this very sappy and romantic apology. They’ll have your back just like they have mine. I’m honestly really nervous right now and hope you somehow forgive me.

I want you to know I did hope it was you because I call you cute Bram in my head but of course Simon Logic made me think you were straight. God i’m so dense and clueless for someone who’s supposed to be in Hufflepuff. I won’t see you at Lunch because of rehearsals but that’s where apology number 3 is with Leah. I hope it makes you laugh but it might make you blush. I didn’t tell you you’re cute when you blush did I? Well you are and again i’m sorry. I hope I see you after rehearsal.

-Love, Simon.

Bram is a mess of emotions during fourth and he starts to get a bit nauseous the sooner the clock ticks to lunch time. He doesn’t know what he’s feeling right now but he’s does know he’s forgiven Simon since apology number one. The second and whatever the following apology is just cements how much he really does love this stupid boy and his determination to express how truly sorry he is.

He returns to class and tries to stop the smile off his face, folding then placing the letter with the other before trying and slowly failing to pay attention in class. When the bell rings to signal it’s lunch Bram’s hands are shaking and he can feel his heart go a mile a minute. It’s almost like he’s on autopilot as he makes his way to the cafeteria but stops just at the doors that lead inside. His eyes see Leah and Garrett at their table with Morgan and Anna who are off to the side. The former two are chatting away as they watch something on a phone while Garrett and Leah are talking about something huddled together. He can spy an orange packet and another letter which is the only thing that propels him to start walking towards the table.

He hovers a bit before moving to sit next to Garrett. He’s greeted with an arm slung around his shoulder and a small smile from Leah. “Garrett’s lucky that I didn’t punch him for what he did.” The comment makes Garrett freeze as he turns to give his best friend his version of puppy dog eyes. “I didn’t do anything besides send a random text man. I just- I just want you to be happy Bram.” He confessed and who could stay mad at that? He does punch Garrett’s arm lightly before turning his attention back to Leah.

For some reason he’s back to being shy again, the words coming out soft and hesitant.

“So you… umm. You have something for me?” The words are all mumbled together but she seems to hear him clearly as she passes him a packet of Reese's that has a folded note on it and the last letter. This one is Harry Potter themed with lightning bolts, the houses, a small drawing of the castle, owls, and a snitch. “You’re an amazing artist Leah.” The comment makes Leah blush as she gives him another quick smile before digging into her lunch. Garrett and her respectfully scoot down the bench to give him some small form of privacy. Bram really appreciates it.

As much as he wants to read the letter, the small note on the Reese’s is what he reads first.

It does make him blush and laugh, a short chuckle he tries to cover with his hand but both Leah and Garrett snap their head to look at him in awe. They’re both burning with curiosity but can’t get over the shock of hearing him laugh.

Leah’s voice has a touch of wonder when she says, “I think that’s the first time i’ve ever heard you laugh.” Garrett just stares at him with a shocked smile. “Same” His voice is as almost a whisper like he doesn’t realize he said it.

The whole thing makes Bram blush harder as covers his face with one hand and pushes the Reese’s with the note open towards them.

It reads: Oreo’s are still better than sex but like always you’re the exception. Here are your sub-par Reese’s.

Bram quickly leaves them with his gifts in hand as they start laughing, the phrase ‘what a dork’ and ‘omg’ the last thing he hears before he’s out of the cafeteria and walking to his car. He wants total and complete privacy when he reads the last letter so what better place than his car.

Dear Blue,

So i’m now freaking out and still nervous. I think this is what you must have felt like when you were sure i’d actually be intelligent and start figuring out all the clues you left. This is horrible. I think i’m actually getting nauseous (yes i’m using that word now) but i’m still also trying to stay hopeful that you don’t just trash all of these letters or not show up after.

I’ll be honest and say i’d be really sad but if that was what you wanted then i’d just have to suck it up and take the hit. I hope you like the Reese’s and the note. It took me almost 8 times to write the word sex, hell it took me a good 5 minutes to write it here. I sorta wish I didn’t have rehearsal so I could be there to see if you did blush or laugh. I think I might die if I hear your actual laugh though but i’m pretty sure it would be worth it. I’m getting a little tired of saying that i’m sorry because I feel like it’s kind of being overused so here’s another crack at trying to be romantic. Je suis désolé mon cher Bleu. Je t'en supplie, pardonne-moi.

-Love, Simon.

Nothing. Bram’s brain crashed and he’s drawing up a blank, just a blank nothing. The only thing stopping him from going to find Simon right now is class and that Simon is rehearsing. Also the still lingering fear of coming out to people he doesn’t actually know aka fellow students. Garrett was fine. His parents were fine. Leah, Nick, and Abby are fine too but it’s still so new and frightening.

Bram also selfishly wants to keep the emails and what’s going on with Simon mainly between them, keep this private intimate thing they have just for a little bit longer. He can make himself wait till the end of school.

-

Simon cannot make it to the end of rehearsals. He’s literally dying and the fond but annoyed look Abby keeps shooting him doesn’t help. It’s not his fault he keeps zoning out okay, he’s trying his best with everything that’s going on right now.

Finally they get the dismissal from Ms. Albright to go and it takes everything in Simon to not just run out and find Leah or Nick or be brave and go to Bram first. Abby hooks their arms together and it helps ground him just enough to calm down and change. She also makes sure he keeps the make-up on this time.

Once they’ve changed out of costume and start making their way to the parking lot, all his nerves and fears start coming back the closer they get. Simon keeps switching back from keeping his eyes on the ground and searching the crowd of people.

He tries not to be devastated when he only sees Nick and Leah at his car. Abby squeezes his hand in apology.

Nick and Leah seem to notice them and Nick all but sprints towards them as he tackles them in a hug. Leah catches up and sees the faces both Abby and him are making. She groans and nudges Nick. “Don’t you have something for him?” “Oh right!” He digs into his pocket to pull out a folded piece of blue paper and pushes it into Simon’s hand. “He would be here but well- just read the note man i’m sure he’ll explain.”

Unfolding the paper Simon reads the same perfect script and just seeing it lets him breathe again.

Dear Jacques,

Reese’s are not sub-par. I have no idea how I’m going to actually talk to you in person, it was just so much easier by email and even now writing it down. I need to talk to my mom first about going out but I know she’ll let me since I would be Garrett's ride. I also might need just a little bit more time before I actually see you, but I do want to see you again. The only thing stopping me from doing so at Lunch was that you were rehearsing and i’m honestly not sure what I would have done or said. I also hoped that you were Jacques.

As for all the apologies, I forgave you pretty much at the start of the first letter. The two that followed just cemented it and made me miss you even more. I’ll see you soon.

-Love, Bram.

P.S. No I don’t want things to go back to the way they were. I think i’m ready for a little bit of change.

P.P.S. Is it bad I do still want to keep you to myself via our emails? I don’t want to hide if this, us, becomes a thing but I still want to keep this private intimate thing we have. Does this make sense?

Simon covers his face with the note and he feels like it might melt off.

Bram wants to see him. Bram forgave him. His plan wasn’t a total fail and Bram doesn’t hate him. They’re going to see each other!  

“Oh my god I need to change!” is the first thing that comes out of his mouth as he leaves his friends to jog to his car. He drops his keys twice and almost hits the car next to him when he opens the door.

A hand grabs his arm and steers him to the passenger side. “I’ll drive Si, you just sit and- i don’t know breathe? Maybe put that away for safekeeping.” Abby taps the blue paper that’s currently crushed against Simon’s chest and he quickly lays it across the dashboard to smooth it out. “I- yes. Smart. I just- help me?” Everyone kindly laughs at the strange voice he’s using and easily pile in so they can head to the Spier's residence. Simon needs to pick up a shirt.

-

It’s a gay bar/restaurant and now Simon wants to die for a whole new different reason.

“Abby really?” He bemoans as they head inside and if Bram doesn’t join them he would totally understand.

She just smirks at him and pushes him through the door. “Why not? We should celebrate for finishing rehearsal and you not being an idiot. Also just think,” she tilts her head so only he can hear “i’m sure you want to hold hands and sit next to each other.” Simon’s face is now permanently red. For life. Why are they friends.

“Maybe.” He mumbles a little excited at the possibility of it but he’s still concerned for Bram. He’s not sure how he’ll feel about all of this. “I just- i’m worried this might be too much for him.”

“I think he’ll be fine.” A soft voice answers him.

Simon spins around so fast he crashes into Nick and then almost stumbles back into Abby. Leah just sighs and rests a hand on his shoulder to steady him. “We’re being shown to our table now guys.”

Simon stands with his hands covering his face and all Bram can think about is how adorable he is right now. The others follow the hostess while he and Simon hang back near the waiting area.

Bram has no idea how but he crosses the few steps between them and stands right next to him, close enough that their shoulders brush together. A small gasp escapes from Simon and now Bram is the one blushing.

“Hi.” Simon squeaks out and gathers as much courage as he can to lift his head and look at Bram. Somehow it’s harder for him look away now.

A small smile greets him and after all this time Bram can finally stare into those moon-grey eyes. “Hi.” he answers and presses their arms together. “We should- um I think-” Simon sends him a smile, understanding what Bram’s trying to say. “Join the others? Ya.” He nudges their shoulders and takes a step before pausing and ducking his head. “I’m really glad you came Bram.” He takes a shaky breath before adding, “And that it’s you.”

Bram didn’t realize how much hearing Simon say his name all hopeful and softly would affect him. He thinks he could listen to only that for the rest of his life. “I’m glad it’s you too Simon.” 

Their hands brush as they walk to join the others, grinning so wide it hurts. Of course their friends make sure to save them a spot so they sit together.

Even though this place is supposed to be a safe place for them, they keep their hands under the table. Both feeling brave they sit pressed together and slowly link their pinkies together.

Garrett ordered for Bram and Leah ordered for Simon so now they just wait for their food arrives.

Of course out of their entire group Abby and Garrett are bouncing in their seats trying their best to let their mutual friends be.

Simon and Bram share a look then shrug.

“Out with it before you both explode.”

Both Abby and Garrett take in a long breath of air before firing off questions one after the other.

“How long has this been going on!”

“Did Spier grovel enough?”

“Simon how can you call yourself a Hufflepuff after this?”

“What did you think about the plan Bram?”

“We have your backs okay, you know that right?”

“Spier I will murder you if you hurt my best friend.”

“Ditto Si, sorry but I'm still annoyed at you.”

“True but we’re all going to make Addison’s ass grass right?”

Leah, Nick, and Abby agreed and then the conversation turned to how they’d make Martin pay for what he did.

Simon gets a little weird about that because he still doesn’t know if he wants to deal with that situation. He closes in on himself just a little but when he says, “Hey it’s- i’m fine about the Martin thing okay. I just don’t want to deal with it anymore so can we just leave it?” Bram looks around to everyone who’s frowning at Simon and then it clicks for him. He didn’t realize anything could make him that angry ever. Bram turns to Simon and gives him a firm questioning look that Simon answers with a meek nod.

“If I see him I might punch him.” Bram says it with such certainty because it’s an actual fact.

Leah flicks a tiny paper ball at Simon. “I call dibs after you.” Simon slowly lifts his head to look at Leah, their eyes having a silent conversation before she grins. “You may have fucked up Si and we’re all still a little mad about it, but what Martin did was cruel and it shouldn’t have happened.” She kicks her feet against his under the table before smirking. “Now I want to know what that Reese’s note was about.”

Bram laughs at the suggested look Garrett gives them and Simon buries his face into his shoulder.

This time it’s Abby and Nick who stare at Bram because again they’ve never heard him laugh before and Nick’s on a team with him.

“It’s just easier to be brave when you don’t know who the other person is.” Bram admits. Now his and Simon’s hands are laced together, he gives it a light squeeze and gets one back.

Simon lets out a rather loud sigh that’s met by everyone awwing at him. He’s never been more thankful for a waiter to arrive with food.

It’s maybe a little bit after that Simon realizes he still has his face pressed into Bram’s shoulder. He moves to pull away but Bram’s hand tightens in his, their eyes meet and they both seem to understand what the other’s trying to say. They’ve slipped so easily into this, being near each other and face to face, the fear and anxiety of how they’d make this work all gone.

It’s the best meal either of them have ever had.

-

It’s after they’ve paid their bill and are hanging out near their cars, that Abby and Garrett realize their questions were never answered.

Simon and Bram share a fond look as they think about how all of this started.

“You guys remember that anonymous post?”

“Omg it was Bram!” Leah gushed.

Bram gives them all a sheepish smile. “One of the most terrifying actions of my life. I’m glad I did it.” They’re in public but that’s not stopping them from standing just a little too close. “I’m glad I emailed you.”

“I’m glad I sent Nick that text!” Garrett winks at them.

“Oh great. Our own personal cupid.” Simon’s drawls. Bram and him give Garrett a flat look.

He holds his hands up in surrender but keeps smiling. “I felt bad at first but I no longer regret it okay. You guys are freaking glowing.”

“Did you like all the sappy gifts?”Abby asks. Her arm is hooked through both Leah and Nicks, who also want to know.

Bram shrugs. “They were alright.” His voice is monotone and Simon gives him a blinding grin as everyone else groans at them. Bram can’t stop the smile that spreads across his face as he looks to Simon. “Well more than alright. Actually really freaking perfect. Of course you’d go all out.”

Simon’s voice goes soft as he just stares at Bram. “I had to.”

“Damn that was sweet.” Abby whispers, breaking their small moment.

They slowly settle into silence and enjoy this bonding moment where they’re all just highschool kids hanging out enjoying life.

A pensive look crosses Nicks face but he looks hesitant to share what's on his mind.

Simon has a feeling he knows so he gives him a small smile. “So… what are you guys going to do now?” Abby and Garrett frown at him but Nick’s dejected face makes them sigh in understanding.

Bram thought he’d be more worried about that question, the big ‘what now’ but he’s not, or well he is but now it seems a little easier to handle. He knows there’s going to be some things that are unavoidable, that they’ll face some hate but he has so much more support now and he does feel a lot better with not having to keep such a big secret anymore.

Simon has already had to deal with some of the backlash of coming out but he can’t be mad because it’s been pretty tame so far and there’ll always be people who just won’t understand or accept it. He’s out now and it’s like he can breathe so much better . His only worry is for Bram and what he’ll want to do but there’s that tiny part of him that hopes they can be together, go on dates and possibly be boyfriends.

“We’ll figure it out, talk about it.” Bram voices. “I already told Simon that I think i’m ready for a little change and I think I got pretty lucky to end up with my long time crush.”

Simon’s eyes go wide at that new bit of information. “I’m the cute guy that you can’t talk to!” He whispers and hides his face in his hands. “Why am I an oblivious idiot?”

“Well at least you’re going to be my oblivious idiot.” Bram blushes when he says it but he keeps his eyes on said adorable oblivious idiot. He’s just incredibly happy right now.

Simon is just- he’s so happy he doesn’t know what to do with himself. “I don’t deserve you.” he bemoans. “Oh I- I never thanked you for the shirt.”

Leah snorts. “The one you kept under your pillow? Also the one you’re wearing?”

“Betrayed!”

“Shut up you’re just sappy.”

Their laughter is interrupted by a phone chiming, of course, everyone checking theirs to see who’s it is. It’s Abby’s, a text from her mom wanting to know when she’ll be home.

“Well guess it’s getting pretty late guys. Ready to head home?”

Everyone reluctantly agrees because there is a thing called school they have tomorrow and all of them are still underage to stay out past curfew.

Simon and Bram linger a bit, not wanting to leave each other just yet.

“I’ll uh text you when I get home? I- I have your number now so we can do that and only if you want to-” Bram chews on his lip as he looks around before bringing Simon into a quick hug. “I’ll be waiting.”

They part and get into their respective cars, grinning like fools the whole drive home.