#oh jpj how much i love you

[sk8rambler]

happy birthday jonesy <33

[jonesyjonesyjonesy]

what songs would you recommend listening to first from Them Crooked Vultures and The Sporting Life?

oh man have I got some recs for you!!!

My annoying recommendation is that both albums are phenomenal top to bottom and each deserve a listen through. But! Here are my highlights --

Them Crooked Vultures

First of all, ^^^ um, hottest dad band ever.

I like every track on this record, no joke. And I'm not going to recommend New Fang since you've probably heard it (it was on an Apple commercial and won a Grammy).

No One Loves Me and Neither Do I - Um...they really just opened this album with one of the dirtiest, sexiest tracks I've ever heard. A "riff bomb" top to bottom. It absolutely fucks. Jonesy plays lap steel on this one (and in concert, played it standing up, the absolute fiend) x.

Warsaw or the First Breath You Take After You Give Up - This was their 'jam' track for concerts ala Dazed and Confused (x). And it's just 7 minutes of juicy goodness (along with John Paul Jones singing falsetto backup with Alain Johannes, bless his heart). It's vaguely soundscape-y, thick bass, I adore.

Spinning in the Daffodils - Some say this is some of Josh Homme's best work as a songwriter. It's not one of my personal favorites, but it's a favorite amongst TCV fans. He did an amazing acoustic at Lolla in 2020 (x). It also features Jonesy on keyboard and he would often do improvisations at the concerts during this part (he cheekily quotes Carouselambra in this version x).

Elephants - This song is really a testament to the onomatopoeic element to their music (I would also put Reptiles and Gunman in this category) where the music really just SOUNDS like the titles allude. It also to me gives an amazing feeling of the band's synergy with the timing elements and changes.

Honorable mentions include Scumbag Blues (enter Jonesy on the weirdly erotic clavinet; live would be a bass solo) Dead End Friends, and Caligulove (they originally wanted to call the band "Caligula" but there was already a band of that name) . This is 110% my comfort album, period.

The Sporting Life

A comment on a music video from this album pretty much sums up my feelings: "I like it because it is insane."

A much more acquired taste, but considered Diamanda Galas' most approachable work, The Sporting Life is absolutely full of fantastic tracks. "And album of really intense love songs," Galas says. I think it has fantastic storytelling from top to bottom and features not Jonesy, but Galas on the Hammond organ and piano. Jonesy's bass is absolutely STUNNING to hear against the raw vocals.

Be warned, this is a hard album to listen to on a first go. It's out there. But Jones and Galas together are too powerful for this world.

I supply this album with a content warning for graphic discussion of violence and sexual acts. General depravity.

Do You Take This Man - One of the most popular tracks off the album. I think it's a great, palatable introduction to her spoken word elements and DAMN does that bass do things to me. "Husband with this knife/I do you adore/I take you out of this world/With a lot of feeling" -- and that's just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to Galas' lyrical fixation with murdering men which I *personally* vibe with. Here's a hilarious 90s music video where Galas does her thing and Jonesy sits in a chair and plays bass because duh (x).

The Dark End of the Street - This is a cover of a soul song from the 60s and I think it really showcases Galas' softer vocal range while still exploring her general eclecticism. This track highlights just what geniuses these two are: even in its relative simplicity, it snaps, bends, bows, and breaks.

Skotoseme - The first track of the album and, to me, it's Kashmir of avant-garde proportions (the B section is...very reminiscent). It fucks from beginning to end. It's such a powerful track. "Skotoseme" means "kill me" in Greek. So. There's that. They performed it on the John Stewart Show and it's fascinating to watch Galas work. Also, Jonesy is having SO much fun, you can just tell (x).

Tony - Another softer track that highlights Jonesy's work as a producer - elegant, understated, cheeky. From this track, it wouldn't surprise me that artists such as Amy Winehouse and Lady Gaga would have been inspired by her Galas' technique and experimentation even within what would be considered a more approachable framework. Her voice is haunting in this one.

An honorable mention to...The Sporting Life - I hesitate to include this as one of the main recommendations due to the brutality of the lyrics. Galas plays several characters all discussing how they're going to torture a man to death. The eponymous track feels like it's ripped from a play. I think it's marvelous, but I think the content could be disturbing for some without warning.

Each song is rife and trembling musically. Something that doesn't seem like it should have worked and not only works, but absolutely was off to the races from jump. The fact these two came together and ~did that is such a testament to each of their virtuosity, curiosity, and spirit. Also, they're like such pals it hurts (here's a fantastic interview they did for Bomb).

In Conclusion...

I think I might have...overdid it.

Thanks for getting this far if you did. Thank you @tophats-n-lespauls, this was really so fun for me to do and I'm really grateful I got to share my recommendations. As much as I thirst for Jonesy, I admire his talent and musicianship to that degree as well and credit him with a lot of my love for music. I'm grateful for any opportunity to celebrate the old man 🥺🥰

Anyway, all are welcome for any John Paul Jones related queries. I'm still working through his immense catalog, but TCV and DG x JPJ I could wax poetic on all day if you let me (but I won't subject you to such ramblings).

Be well xx

[childrenofthenightt]

only the black rose (chapter 6)

pairing: jimmy page x layla porter (oc)

warnings: jimmy page’s stubbornness (and his stressy hands), exposing jpj as the mom friend, fluff

words: 3.4k

summary: in the blink of an eye, it’s 1975 and layla’s suddenly joining led zeppelin for their north american tour. throughout the chaos, the band take a liking to her, she builds friendships with the boys, and love blossoms. but all good things must come to an end.

author’s note: so this one was fun, but we’re getting into the nitty-gritty of this fic :)) hope you enjoy, and please if you have any feedback it would be much appreciated!

masterlist

playlist

chapters: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5

--------

“Mr. Page, you must be extremely careful when taking these,” Dr. Vane lectures, shaking a bottle of pills. “They should help with the pain, but they are very strong.”

Jimmy sits on the side of his hospital bed, hunched over like a young child being lectured for their misbehaviour. His hands are balled into fists, though the injured finger is coiled much looser. In the corner of the small, sterile room, Robert and Bonzo glance at each other, noticing the way Jimmy grits his teeth, curling and uncurling his hands on his lap. He wants out of here, and fast: that’s plain to see.

“Doc, is Jimmy free to go?” Bonzo breaks the fragile silence that had settled over the group, pushing himself off the wall he had been leaning against.

“The anaesthetic has mostly worn off, so he should be good to go when he’s ready,” Dr. Vane turns to Jimmy then, mouth a serious, somber line. “Mr. Page—”

“Please, call me Jimmy.”

“Jimmy, I recommend taking a pill from the bottle we’ve supplied you, very soon. The pain should come back, due to the anaesthetics being out of your system. These are codeine tablets, and like I said before, they are very strong…”

Jimmy tunes out most of the doctor’s words from that point on, too preoccupied with thoughts of the upcoming tour. He knows Jonesy would memorize whatever the good doctor says anyways, the mother hen. Jimmy didn’t realize he had been shaking with anxiety until a cold hand lay across his, pinning it to the bed. He looks beside him, and on the bed sits Layla, brown ringlets a mess from their lie-down in the hospital bed. Jimmy stares back, enchanted by the woman in front of him, as he always is when she’s near. Still holding his gaze, Layla smiles, a question clear in her doe eyes.

“Are you okay, Jim?” she whispers, drawing nonsensical patterns on the back of his hand. He nods, flattened curls bobbing with the movement. Layla isn’t fully convinced, but she lets it go, vowing to keep an eye on the man.  Bringing her attention back to Dr. Vane, Layla asks the question on everybody’s lips.

“Dr. Vane, I heard you talking to Peter about this last night… Do we know for sure if he can play or not?”

Silence falls once again like a cloud over the group, as the doctor taps his chin in thought. The mighty Led Zeppelin wait with bated breath to hear the fate of their guitarist.

“I would…” Dr. Vane clears his throat, face apologetic as he glances around the room. “I would advise against it. Ultimately it is not up to me, of course. I can’t make you do anything, but Jimmy, you need to recuperate.”  

The room feels as though all the energy had been sucked right out of it, as Jimmy fiddles with a loose thread on the hospital gown he was wearing, disheveled locks obscuring his handsome face as he looks down at his socked feet. Jonesy looks on with pinched features, concerned for the man, while Robert and Bonzo sigh, sharing another wordless glance. Things just got a lot more complicated, it said. Peter sends Jimmy a smile dripping with sympathy, and walks out the door, no doubt to make some important calls.

“Why don’t we all step out of the room, so Jimmy here can get dressed?” Dr. Vane suggests, and the group files out slowly. Layla stands up to follow, stopping in her tracks almost immediately. She turns around then, meeting Jimmy’s sad eyes, gleaming like a diamond in the morning sun, and walks towards him.

“Petal, I don’t…” Jimmy mutters, trailing off, dark curls a veil, hiding him from the world once again. Layla stops in front of him and tips his head up, a familiar hand on his chin. She runs a hand through his hair, pushing it back to see the man’s face. There are stress lines on his forehead, and his eyes are glassy with unshed tears, shining in the artificial hospital light. He looks as beautiful as he always does, to Layla. Jimmy’s lips quirk up subtly in the semblance of a grin, and he presses a kiss to the woman’s wrist.

“You’ll be okay. I believe in you, and you’ll get through this.”

“How can you be so—”

Layla leans down, face to face with the man, and swallows his words with a chaste press of her lips to his. It wasn’t a particularly heavy kiss; their lips moving together softly, but it meant more than either would ever know. It was a kiss of comfort. Finally pulling away, Layla places a hand on Jimmy’s shoulder and squeezes lightly, before turning on her heel and walking out the door, leaving the man to get dressed.

Stepping out of the room, she is met with serious faces and whispered discussions of the injured guitarist. Robert and Bonzo are against the far wall, chatting quietly, while Peter, further down the hall, is using the hospital phone, no doubt to see what can be done about the tour. Layla turns her head, and sees Jonesy, who looks up as she nears him.

“Hey, Layla. How are you holding up?”

“I’m not the one with a fractured finger.” Layla snaps, immediately regretting it. She opens her mouth to speak, but Jonesy beats her to it.

“No, you’re not,” The bassist puts a hand on her arm, smiling wryly. “But you care about him. Just because he’s hurting, doesn’t mean you aren’t allowed to.”

“Jonesy, I…  I’m sorry for snapping at you, I’m just—”

“You’re concerned, and that’s okay. Don’t worry, I get it.”

“But I snapped at you, and you didn’t deserve it, in any way.”

“Layla,” Jonesy presses closer to her as he says this, wrapping his arms around her in a comforting embrace. “I know you didn’t mean it. We’re okay.”

Layla looks up at the man, a hint of skepticism apparent on her face. Not believing that he forgave her so easily, so completely, she presses on further.

“Jonesy, how can you be fine with—”

“Look, Layla,” Jonesy chuckles, looking down at her fondly, much to her confusion. “We can talk about your guilt complex later if you need, but I think there’s someone you might want to see.”

“Guilt complex? I don’t—” 

Layla spins around as a soft click echoes off the walls, and spots Jimmy, who shyly closes the door to his room. Dressed in a pair of dark flared jeans and a crisp white button up, a black suede coat folded over his arm, he looks sheepish as he walks towards the group, shoulders almost up to his ears. Peter, noticing the entrance of his guitarist, hangs up the phone with a hasty goodbye, turning to face the band.

“Right. Now, we’ve got a lot to talk about,” Peter starts, biting back a sigh. “Let’s all ride back to Swan Song, and go over our options.”

After a short car ride devoid of any chatter, the group finally walk through the double doors of the building, faces drawn and severe. Evelyn, at her post by the front desk, notices the lack of chatter and giggles that usually fill the room whenever the band enters. Finding Layla’s eyes, she reads the worry and concern in them, and lets her smile fall, snuffing out the light that always seems to surround the receptionist. Evelyn walks up to the young woman, placing a hand on Layla’s arm as she turns around to face the receptionist.

“Is everything okay, darling?” Evelyn asks, confusion in her hazel eyes as she stares at the retreating backs of Peter and the boys.

“I hope so,” Layla replies, bringing a hand up to rub at the back of her neck. “There was… an accident, and everything's a little up in the air. I’m sorry, Evelyn, I wish I could stay and chat, but—”

“Oh no, go ahead, darling. Go figure things out.”

With a grateful smile and a nod, Layla rushes to catch up with the group, slipping into the room behind Robert, the mahogany door shutting behind them to prevent prying eyes.

----------

Standing stock-still in Peter’s office, Layla glances around the luxurious office, taking in the grim faces of her companions. A soft cough echoes off the walls, courtesy of Robert, Layla guesses, if his guilty expression and the hand pressed to his mouth are anything to go by. All eyes are downcast, as hands fold over each other to distract from the silence pressing down on them. It feels like the walls are closing in on them ever-so-slowly, set to suffocate them, until Peter, sitting at the large wooden desk, clears his throat, clapping his hands together. Attention firmly on him, Peter begins to speak, his often kind voice determined.

“I’ve been calling around, and it seems as though we have two options: we postpone the tour for a later date, so Jimmy can heal… Or we continue with the tour as planned,” Peter explains, shifting his gaze to Jimmy now. “Jimmy, how is the finger feeling?”

“It’s good, I took some pain meds earlier. I can tour still.”

“Jim, you haven’t played on it yet.”

“It’ll hold up. I’m fine.”

There’s movement in the corner, as Bonzo crosses his arms over his chest, green eyes soft as he glances at Jimmy.

“Jimmy, I really don’t know if this is the best idea.” This is met by a look of betrayal, Jimmy turning around in his seat to face the drummer.

“Bonzo, I really am fine.”

“Look,” Bonzo presses on, meeting the guitarist’s eyes. “I know you don’t want to let anyone down. The thing is, you wouldn't be in the first place, Pagey. If this injury gets worse, because you played when you shouldn't have…” Bonzo trails off, averting his gaze now, Jimmy’s eyes on him too much to bear.

“Bonzo’s right, Jim,” comes from beside Layla, as Jonesy pushes off the wall to make his point. “Taking some time off would be good, we don’t want to make anything worse.”

“Nearly 18 months is enough time off, Jonesy. Any longer and the fans won’t even remember who Led Zeppelin is. I’m ready.”

“Jimmy, really—” Robert’s reply is cut off by the guitarist’s normally soft voice, hardened with frustration.

“Shows have already been sold out. All the arrangements have been made. Peter, call them back. We’re doing this tour.”

“Pagey… Alright. I’ll call them back, if you’re sure.”

“I am.” This is followed by the scrape of the chair he had pulled up to the desk against the floor, as he stands, and storms out. The remaining occupants of the room lock eyes, panic apparent.

“I’ll go after him.” Layla murmurs, starting towards the door. She knew exactly where she would find him, after all. Easily finding her way through the hallways of the massive building, she opens the door to the studio, spotting him slumped on the drum riser. Guitar in hand, he raises the bruised finger in the air, grip on the fretboard bordering on awkward. Jimmy strums, letting out a wince as the pain rears once again. A grunt full of frustration grinds out past his lips, and he tries again.

“Are you supposed to be doing that? Doctor’s orders, and all.”

Jimmy lifts his head to glance at her, and, with the hint of a sneer at the sarcastic comment, he resumes his playing. Layla huffs, and moves closer, taking in the man before her. His dark hair is falling into his face, casting shadows upon it, and his jaw is clenched, ready to snap as he misses yet another note. Jimmy lets out another frustrated sound, and swipes the hair out of his eyes, as if that was exactly what was messing him up.

Layla takes a seat on the drum riser next to him, and watches, as he fumbles a note she’s seen him perfect many times. Before he can adjust his grip on the fretboard to try again, Layla places a hand on the man’s strumming hand, and keeps it there. Jimmy looks up at her, a glint of determination in his mossy green eyes, brown in the lighting of the studio. His hair shines, jet black curls messy, as though he’s been running his hands through it more often than not. Eyes dropping to his guitar in embarrassment, he opens his mouth to speak, Layla beating him to it in the end.

“Jim, it won’t get better if you keep straining it like this. You know that.”

“Are you here to tell me to give it a rest too? Cause if you are, you might as well just—”

“I’m here,” Layla starts, shaking her head at the stubborn nature of the guitarist. “Because I trust you. You’re the only one that knows how you feel, and I trust you.”

“You do?” Jimmy says, looking up in confusion.

“I do, angel. If you think you’re ready, then I’ll trust that,” Jimmy takes his good hand off the guitar and threads it through hers, caressing the back of it with his thumb in thanks. Layla looks down at their joined hands, and continues. “If you’re rushing this for the fans, though, or because of whatever crazy scenario you’ve thought up in that brain of yours, I think I’m allowed to say I told you so.” The couple smirk at each other, as Jimmy gives the hand in his a warning squeeze.

“Okay, mum.”

Layla unlinks their hands to give him a soft shove to the side, the beginnings of a smile tilting her lips upward. Gripping his arm, she hoists him up to a standing position, and he goes willingly. Jimmy places his guitar carefully back in its rightful place, and stretches out a hand for Layla to take. Walking out of the studio together, hope settles over them like a well-worn blanket.

Hope that everything will be okay.

----------

“Please, just don’t push too hard. You’ve got this, angel.”

After dedicating just under a week to perfecting a new guitar technique, and making adjustments to the original setlist, the band waits in the dressing room of the Metropolitan  Sports Center, native to Bloomington Minnesota. Layla’s palm raises, stopping to rest on Jimmy’s shoulder, as he looks down at her, his furrowed eyebrows betraying the picture of calm he was trying to emulate. He leans down and presses a soft kiss to her forehead, and pulls her to his chest, arms wrapping themselves around her back.

“You can do this. Just remember that, okay?” This is followed by a nod from the dark-haired guitarist, as he smiles gratefully at Layla. A chorus of groans sound from behind them, and, turning around, they are met by the exasperated faces of the others. Already dressed in their stage clothes, they look ready to perform.

“Are you lovebirds done? Bloody saps,” Robert grumbles, the corner of his lip raising in a smirk, the playfulness in his tone obvious. “We’ve got a show to play.”  

Following the boys backstage, Layla watches as they slip past the velvet curtain and onto the stage, ecstatic and powerful under the bright lights around them. They pick up their instruments, and with a collective breath and a look shared between them, the band does what they do best: play. The boys launch in, and Layla can’t help but be brought back to the last concert she witnessed. The atmosphere and the enthusiasm amongst the crowd was infectious, and Layla smiles as she looks out from the wings. Robert commands the stage, as usual, while Bonzo and Jonesy link up almost telepathically, creating a beat almost heaven-sent. Jimmy, for as awkward as it looks, three usable fingers grappling with the fretboard, makes the guitar scream and cry and sing. The winces of pain that she can see from her spot are worrying, though. To an outsider, it would seem as though he was simply somewhere else, the guitar becoming one with its handler.

But Layla knows better. She can see the exhaustion in his face, from hours spent bent over his guitar, adjusting the way he’s played for most of his life. She can see the lines of discomfort around his mouth, his lips bitten red out of concentration, from trying his absolute best to put on a good show. As she leaves her post near the stage to tune up Jimmy’s guitars for the next numbers, just as Peter had asked her to, she can’t help but let out a nervous sigh. Layla has seen how just stubborn the man is, how much he wants to succeed, and please the audience. She knows he’ll leave everything out there on stage. She just wonders how much of him there will be left over, in the end.

Completing the rest of the menial backstage tasks, the brunette walks back to the mouth of the backstage area, intercepting the boys as they come off after a thrilling encore, the deafening cheers of the crowd following them as they exit.

“If you keep this up, you’ll really get popular! I’m just kidding, but really, guys, that was incredible,” Layla raves, accompanying them to the dressing room. Bonzo sidles up next to her, wrapping an amicable arm around her as they walk, basking in the glow of her kind words. “All of you did such an amazing job!”

“Do we get a kiss now? Last time you saw us perform, Jimmy got one…” Robert asks, flipping his hair, damp and dark with sweat, off his shoulder.

“You’d like that, wouldn't you, Robert?” Layla chuckles, throwing a smile at him over her shoulder.

“Hey, it’s only fair!”

“In what way is that fair?”

The group finally reach the dressing room, lounging on the comfortable chairs strewn across the room. The boys take turns changing out of their stage clothes, and greet the guests in the room, shaking hand after hand. Soft laughter trickles like a steady stream in the background as Layla, sitting on a loveseat with Jimmy, places a hand on his thigh, prompting his eyes to meet hers.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m okay, petal.” Jimmy’s voice is soft, faraway as his hand meets hers on his lap. The guitarist lets out a sigh, staring at the wall, expression neutral.

“That was a great performance, Jim. I hope you know that.”

“It was… good. It could've been better.”

“You know, I really am so proud of you,” Layla says, turning his head to face her, her fingers at his jaw. She looks deep into his eyes, and he stares back, an unreadable expression on his face. She’s always been able to read him, since the day she met him. Layla feels a pang in her heart, and continues. “It was great, and you made a lot of people happy… even if you’re not 100% yet.”

This is met with silence, as Jimmy lowers his head, hair falling into his eyes. He’s developed a habit of this now, and Layla resolves to break him out of that. His beautiful eyes make her day, after all. Reminders of their stay at the hospital flash through Layla’s mind, and she moves the hand that rested softly on his cheek to the small of his back, rubbing soft circles into the fabric of his stage clothes. He hasn't changed out of them yet, or done much of anything, in fact, trapped in the prison of his self-deprecating thoughts. His gaze lifts from his shoes at the contact, which Layla takes as a good sign.

“Now,” Layla clears her throat, pulling him up from the couch with a small hand at his arm. “Go get changed. You’re all sweaty, it’s a wonder you didn’t get heat stroke.”

“It’s a good thing I have you to take care of me,” Jimmy mutters playfully, a shadow of his usual smile creasing his delicate features. “Seriously, Layla, you could give Jonesy a run for his money.”

“Isn’t it just terrible of me to want to make sure you’re alright?” Layla grumbles, the smirk playing on her lips betraying the annoyed expression she sends Jimmy’s way.

Jimmy chuckles, pressing his lips to the side of her head.

“I appreciate it, petal.”

Walking to the changing room, slipping out of the grasp Layla had on his arm, he sends her a grateful smile over his shoulder. Layla watches him, appreciating the view as he walks away.

--------

taglist: @jimmys-zeppelin @salixfragilis @timetraveller4 @earthfire-75 (let me know if you want to be added!)

[dollarstorethomasjefferson]

Sorry ok i came across your blog looking through led zeppelin tags and?? There's a fandom for sailors??

Hello!! ANd oh my gosh anon I’m so sorry I probably should’ve made my own tag for my John Paul Jones instead of using the popular tag kdjfsahfldjsl

I don’t think there’s  fandom for sailors... but if there is, I’d gladly join. 

You probably found me because I talk about a guy named “John Paul Jones” a lot, which also so happens to be the stage name of a band member in Led Zeppelin. My John Paul Jones doesn’t have a fandom, at least not one that I’m aware of, so when I tag his name it gets mixed up with the Led Zeppelin posts about the band member lol.

I realized that most people look for the band member rather than the sailor when looking through the John Paul Jones tag, so instead I added “sailor” to the end,, hopefully that separated the two but I don’t think it did?

Anyway, I’m sorry for the confusion.. no, there’s not a fandom for sailors and if there is, I’m probably the only member lol. The historical John Paul Jones was a very interesting guy, I think you would really enjoy learning about him! 

Sorry I accidentally snatched the Led Zeppelin tag, I haven’t made a JPJ post in a while so it was probably an old ask that you saw from me lol.. 

Have an amazing day, kind anon! Have fun going through the Led Zeppelin tag, and if you see me again there just laugh and know that I’m going on a rant about how much I love a sailor from the 18th century. 

[taminoe]

i don't know how long you've had it up but i LOVE your header!!

Oh thank you so much Winter! 💖💖💖 Think I’ve had it for a week or so, but I love that picture of Robert, Jimmy, JPJ and Bonzo 🌸 they look so soft.

[morganbelarus]

Where To Buy All The ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Finale Looks | Betches

Well ladies and gentlemen, these past few weeks of Bachelor In Paradise have truly been a journey, to say the least. We’ve laughed, we’ve cried, we’ve watched two grown men tackle each other to the ground over a piñata. But this beautiful journey all in the name of love finally came to a conclusion last night with a THREE HOUR LONG finale show. And, if you’re a true #BachelorNation stan, you too gave up the entirety of your Tuesday night for this, and only complained a little bit.

Now of course, this A+ Bachelor In Paradise cast has never been one to disappoint, and they exceeded expectations AGAIN last night, bringing us some intense drama, plus many fire outfits. I’ve got to say, out of all the seasons, Colton had the best group of consistently stylish girls. And, tbh, their put-together fashionable looks gives them way more credibility during their arguments, at least in my eyes. Like, am I going to respect a girl in a tacky bodycon who’s throwing shade during the reunion? Highly doubtful. But, am I going to 100% agree with everything out of Hannah G.’s mouth since she looks so freaking cute in her blue Cinderella-like dress? Duh! Call me shallow but hell, I’m your resident fashion writer. Anyway, if the one question you came away with after watching the Bachelor in Paradise finale was “how can I get these dresses?” then look no further.

1. Hannah G.’s One-Shoulder Dress

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Good Godwin! Get details on Hannah Godwin’s Bachelor in Paradise Reunion Dress with the Link In Our Bio @liketoknow.it #liketkit http://liketk.it/2F17i #hannahgodwin #bachelorinparadise #greydress #cutoutdress #abc #bachelor #bachelornation

A post shared by Reality TV Fashion (@bigblondehair) on Sep 17, 2019 at 5:35pm PDT

Lovers + Friends Alexander Dress, $158

As if Hannah G. couldn’t already be any more perfect, she legit showed up last night looking like Cinderella pre-clock-striking-midnight. She looked stylish and classy in an effortlessly hot way in her pale powder blue one-shoulder dress which, of course, is already basically sold out. There’s currently only L and XL sizes available, but by the time this article goes up, I doubt those will even be an option. Sorry! Knowing I’d be the bearer of bad news here, I thought I’d remedy the fact that this dress is almost sold out by finding out where the beautiful white and blue floral dress she got engaged in was from. Welp, even less luck there, that dress, which is from Lulu’s, is sold out across the board. Sooo thanks for delivering the looks Hannah G., but no thanks for being so pretty and cool that they’re all already sold out. Ugh!

2. Demi’s Neon Dress

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It’s finale night! Let’s taco ‘bout how dramatic you think it’ll be! 🌮💚 #bachelorinparadise

A post shared by Demi Burnett (@demi_not_lovato) on Sep 17, 2019 at 10:56am PDT

Zhivago Le Loft Dress, $312

Demi looks straight-up perfect, and I’m feeling that middle part. Although, quick call out, what’s up with everyone’s glittery eye shadow last night??? Like, cute but why—where’s the sponsorship here? Anyway, I expected nothing less from Demi than to show up looking like her Demi-goddess self in this killer neon dress. Oh, and also, can someone please let me know the products behind Demi’s flawless face makeup routine??? How can one person embody so much beauty inside and out? #DemiForPresident2020

3. Tayshia’s White Mini Dress

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@tayshiaaa is a bold girl and we’re here for it! 👏😍 #BachelorInParadise

A post shared by Bachelor in Paradise (@bachelorinparadise) on Sep 17, 2019 at 7:11pm PDT

Meshki Melody Satin Twist Front Dress, $14

I love Tayshia and I stan her, but I don’t know that I can ever get behind her and JPJ. It’s just too much and makes me feel weird. BUT, per usual, she looked amazing and her dress is actually unbelievably affordable right now because it’s super on sale. So even though I don’t commend her love life choices here, I do commend her outfits, and I’ll be ordering this cheap dress.

4. Caelynn’s Strapless Dress

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Caelynn Miller Keyes Bachelor In Paradise Reunion shop this look on spotherstyle.com ✰ link in the bio #bachelorinparadise #thebachelorette #thebachelor #bip #tayshiaadams #demiburnett #katiemorton #hannahgodwin #caelynnmillerkeyes #nicolelopezalvar #onyekaehie #sydneylotuaco #kristinaschulman #hannahgodwin #haleyferguson #whitneyfransway #jensaviano

A post shared by Spot Her Style (@spotherstyle) on Sep 16, 2019 at 5:27am PDT

Jay Godfrey Kerr Midi Dress, $99

Okay, so I don’t know if Caelynn was just trying to play up the whole “I’m-so-chill-I-live-in-a-van-now” vibe last night or what, but her look was kind of subpar. Don’t get me wrong, she still looked beautiful, and this white dress that she wore looked amazing. However, it kind of looks like she got ready with a limited time constraint or something. I mean, maybe the van only has one mirror and Dean got priority? Caused he looked pretty handsome in a very Oompa Loompa meets “Old Town Road” type of way.

5. Kristina’s Lacey Dress

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rockin’ this little number tonight on #bachelorinparadise reunion show @vchapmanstudio

A post shared by KRISTINA SCHULMAN (@kristinaschulman) on Sep 17, 2019 at 5:14pm PDT

V. Chapman Poppy Dress, $385

Kristina came to this reunion ready to make a statement. She showed up in a lacey lingerie dress with some serious cleavage. Kristina clearly isn’t giving up on love with that level of cleavage, so hopefully some Bachelor alums (other than Blake) will slide into her DMs given how fantastic she looks.

6. Katie’s Black Sparkly Dress

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Gunmetal Goals! Get details on Katie Morton’s Bachelor in Paradise Reunion Dress {also seen on Teddi Mellencamp} with the Link In Our Bio @liketoknow.it #liketkit http://liketk.it/2F16E #bachelorinparadise #katiemorton #bachelor #sequindress #metallic #silver #silverdress #abc #bachelornation

A post shared by Reality TV Fashion (@bigblondehair) on Sep 17, 2019 at 5:15pm PDT

IRO Loulou Dress, $400

I’m going to be honest here, things aren’t looking so good for Katie. I mean, looks-wise she slayed last night in this sparkly long sleeve dress. However, the lack of communication between her and Chris was legit hurting my brain, and it was making it hard for me to enjoy her stylish dress. Not to mention, for a couple that’s still currently together it was pretty weird to hear Katie bash Chris. I don’t know, doesn’t seem promising to me. But regardless, this look was promising af, so keep doing you Katie.

7. Crystal’s V-Neck Jumpsuit

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My familia. 💕 Are you watching the @bachelorinparadise finale TONIGHT?!! 🤯 And who do YOU think #thebachelor will be?? 🌹 #bip

A post shared by Krystal Nielson (@coachkrystal_) on Sep 17, 2019 at 6:36pm PDT

Nightcap Wisteria Jumpsuit, $396

Per usual, Krystal looked amazing last night in this v-neck lace jumpsuit. There are limited sizes still available, so if you want it, don’t wait. Oh, and it also comes in black too! If it weren’t almost $400, I would probably buy two.

All in all, I was very pleased with this season of Bachelor In Paradise and the variety of stylish looks we got from all the girls. I mean, they pretty much all just ordered their entire wardrobes from Revolve, but hey, it worked. Not to mention, it made my job of figuring out what they wore a lot easier. Next up, I can’t wait to see what everyone wears to Stagecoach!

Images: @bigblondehair (2), @spotherstyle, @demi_not_lovato, @bachelorinparadise, @kristinaschulman, @coachkrystal_ / Instagram; Revolve (4); Meshki; Jay Godfrey; Planet Blue

Betches may receive a portion of revenue if you click a link and purchase a product or service. The links are independently placed and do not influence editorial content.

Original Article : HERE ;

The post Where To Buy All The ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Finale Looks | Betches appeared first on MetNews.

Where To Buy All The ‘Bachelor In Paradise’ Finale Looks | Betches was originally posted by MetNews

[riverxvixen-blog]

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Bughead :  Finding Ourselves. (pls don’t judge, I’m trying)

**********************************************************************************

We are all going to die. Eventually somewhere down the line I will no longer be. Archie, Betty, Ronnie, Kev god even Cheryl with her over confident, invincible attitude will cease to exist as I know them. When you’re in high school the last thing you expect to come is death, Jason, for whatever reason wasn’t thinking that he would die in the week following July 4th, but he did. Nobody could’ve prepared him for that. It’s kind of hard right now to not fall into an existential coma, to think straight, especially when one of the people involved in your bubble is murdered.

“You’re going to have to tell her sooner or later, you do realise that don’t you Juggie?” Ronnie chimed, interrupting my dark thoughts.

 “Oh Veronica, there are a lot of things that I need to tell a lot of people, telling Betty that I’m living in a closet in the school really isn’t one of them.” I chuckled, shaking off her suggestion, knowing full well that Betty had enough to deal with without me dropping that on her too. “She will want to help and she really doesn’t have the resources to help me. I can’t do that to her.”

 “You can’t do what to who?”

 That familiar maple sweet voice, resonated in my ear canals, making my stone cold chest feel warm and fluffy. Luckily nobody can hear my thoughts because I can’t have people thinking that I have lost my edge as well as my family, home and job at the drive in.

 “Jughead?” Betty reiterated her question, knocking me out of the trance that I had found myself in, yet again.

 “Betty, hi.” I smiled, “it really doesn’t matter honestly.”

 “I can tell that you are lying to me Jug,” she smiled and rolled her eyes at me, knowing how to sneakily manipulate me into telling her what V and I had been talking about before she walked in. She placed herself on the seat next to me and placed a hand on my shoulder worryingly, “Please Juggy, just tell me.”

I sighed and veronica gave me a nod before leaving and shutting the door quietly behind her. I saw one more reassuring glance through the glass in the door before she disappeared into the busy hallways.

 “I just don’t want to bother you Betty, I know that you will want to help and I know that you won’t be able to because it isn’t simple.” I breathed, partially giving in to her attempts. “You have a beautiful heart but I’m sorry I don’t want to burden you with this.”

 “Really? Just tell me Jughead. I need you to tell me, because not knowing will bother me way more than not even being able to try and help you. If there’s nothing I can do, I can at least show you my support which is more than I can do now.” She stressed, causing something to pull in my chest making me cave in my decision to keep this from her.

“Please don’t be mad,” I started, lowering my head so that betty couldn’t see into my eyes. “I’m not ready to go into why I am doing this betty, please understand that I will tell you when I am ready, but I’m not living at home anymore.”

 “Aw Juggy, I am so sorry,” she replied, engulfing me into a hug. “ I know things are tough, with your dad, amongst other issues, if there is anything that I can do to help please let me.”

 I flinched at the mention of my dead-beat father, and how he allowed himself to do this to our family, but most of all I feared that Betty would never feel the same about me if she realised that he was a Southside Serpent, either way I wasn’t ready to expose her to that secret.

“Wait,” she paused, “Where are you living Juggy.”

“I… Well I umm…” I couldn’t say it, so the next best thing I could do was to point at the closet in which I was sleeping and then hang my head in defeat. I’m pretty sure that our relationship was already based on borderline pity, this revelation should surely push it over the edge.

“What!? Jug you can’t live in a cupboard! That’s just insane. We can talk to Kev’s dad or even Fred. They would do anything to help. God, if I could have you at mine I would but my mom is a down-right sociopath!” She panicked.

“Betts, please calm down, I don’t want to panic anyone, plus Sheriff Keller would tell me to go home and I couldn’t possibly ask for much more from Archie or his dad. I have to figure this one out alone.” I soothed, rubbing small circles on her back, just in the area underneath her bra strap.

“But Juggy, this isn’t the solution, please promise me that you will talk to Archie. At least tell him that you are living at school.” She frowned, drawing her head back so that I could see her expression.

 “He knows Betty,” I confessed and watched her jaw fall wide open, “Please, I know you and I know that you care, but don’t be mad at him, I wouldn’t let him tell Fred.”

“That’s not an excuse Jughead. I know Archie and he would never have hesitating until a couple of months ago. He needs to teach himself to remove his head from his colon for longer than an hour at a time. He is my best friend but for heaven’s sake he has no common sense.” She huffed. “Please talk to him again, for you.”

“Damn Elizabeth Cooper, it’s very rude of you to make me fall in love with you like this. Inconsiderate, really.” I articulated my thoughts, wishing that I was able to suppress my feelings for the gorgeous young woman in front of me.

“I know, how inconvenient of me.” She joked, before pressing her soft peachy lips against my cheek, making me smile so wide, not even caring if she could see me.

“I’m not sorry.” I responded simply, looking into her glistening eyes, wishing that she would just kiss me.

“…me either.” She responded before wrapping herself in my arms.

 I pulled her close, posing momentarily to see whether she would fulfil my unspoken wish, but when she didn’t I decided to do what someone brave, like Archie, would do in this situation and I kissed her. I kissed Betty Cooper, on the lips, by myself. The inner child in my moderately invisible older self was rampant and I literally couldn’t give a fuck. For once in my slightly more knowledgeable stage of life I felt free and happy. If there’s one person in the world that I would want to share this with it’s Betty, especially since we have gotten closer.

So who cares if we all experience death? We need to make the most of our lives and stop holding our selves back, waiting on “what if’s” like the protagonist in a teen love movie. This is real life and we need to grab it by the horns and stop being so pathetic about it. It’s time to grow some balls.

  Signed, JPJ.

[xtramilerjourney]

To everything, a season...

In 2012, I bought my dream car. The 350z Nissan Fairlady. Before this, I was really contented with public transport and relied on the erratic Bas Mini Wilayah and Intrakota buses. If those failed, I would hail a taxi. You have to understand, I never desired a driving license and delayed this decision till much later. My parents would encourage me to drive but I would give excuses and put it off time and time again. Public transport was my way of passing out tracks and meeting strangers. I would get into a taxi and spend the next 20 to 30 minutes to get to know the driver and we would talk about everything under the sun. The highlight of my conversation would always be drawn back to what I believed and I would share my faith freely. Friends who would be generous with their time and provide me transport too. I was blessed! I remember hearing an announcement in church one day that our teens ministry were needing help with transporting teens to church. That was when I finally decided to sit for my “L” license. It was 2007 and I was 29 years old! I must admit, I failed twice on my road test. I wasn’t a bad driver but I refused to bribe the officer when taking my test. The night before, I spoke to the uncle in charge and he casually said that everything had been “settled”. That was when I realise that he had already arranged the bribe for the JPJ officer for me to pass. We fought over the phone and I told him that I refused to bribe. I believe that driving a car is a big responsibility and I had to be evaluated based on my ability to drive and not have that decision to be influenced by anything else. The uncle said I would surely fail and sure enough, before I could leave the centre for my road test, the officer picked on a minor error I had made and failed me. My second attempt was with the same officer and he failed me yet again. I stood my ground to not bribe, prayed and sat for the test again for a third time! Thankfully God had given me a new officer to test me and I passed . PTL! My dad loaned me his Iswara Aeroback and I was able to provide transport for our teens in church. You will be amazing what a 30 minute journey with a teen can do. I found a new ministry and spoke into their life as often as I could. That was also how I got myself involved in teens ministry for that season. ( I think God had set me up for this!) In 2012, I decided it was time to own my own car. My initial choice was a Myvi that would cost around RM50K. You see, I had just done XtramileDay a year back and having understood how much impact one can make in community, I had this mindset that every cent earned would be put to good use and given to community development. Being frugal was the way to go. I had just started work too after coming back from Singapore and was reluctant to buy a more expensive car though I could afford it. That season, our faith as a church was stretched to believe for our own building. Instead of keeping to the RM50K budget for the car, I saw how God gave me faith for something greater. From RM50K, it went to RM60K, then RM80K and by the end of 9 months, I had changed my budget to RM100K. In that span of time, I had seen and tested over 50 cars. You name it... Myvi, Altis, Almera, City, Vios, Triton and Hilux. I tested them all but nothing seemed to appeal to me. I still remember when my budget reached RM90K I was considering a 4X4. Eventually, it became clear that the reason I wanted a truck was so no one would bully me! HAHA... I would never be tailgated again because I would be driving a big ass truck and strike terror on the road! When I approach cars from the back, they would have to give way! Interesting enough, I never bought one because I knew my motive was wrong. I came to a place where I was convinced that maybe God just wanted to stretch my faith to believe for more and the car was just a way to teach me to dream bigger. Frustrated that I hadn’t found my car, I took a break for a month to clear my mind. One day for no apparent reason, I looked at mudah.my’s second hand cars section. And my eyes were opened! With RM100K, I could own a BMW, Mercedes... or some pretty exotic car! OMGGG!!! This began a new season for search 2nd hand cars. I had a ball going to dealerships and testing some pretty nifty cars and that was when I chanced upon a Mazda RX8 and the Nissan 350z. But, I could not wrap my head around buying a sports cars actually. Had I gone mad? What would my pastors and friends say. My parents are not gonna be happy! What am I trying to tell the world? Wahhh... Flashy flashy eh? So selfish! 2 doors?.. Have I suddenly decided to be a playboy? Come on Alex, a sports car does not exactly fit the profile of a good christian boy. Oh, I struggled internally at the beginning because I had only seen a car as a mode of transport from point A to B and never thought of anything else. With a sports car, my appreciation for performance and aesthetics changed. I was looking at cars that were fast, way way faster than my 1988 Iswara! That was also my first introduction to Fast and Furious: Tokyo Drift and the world of sports cars. (Incidentally, the bad guy in that movie drives a 350z with a Veilside kit and does a whole lot of drifting!) That car literally caught my attention and I was gonna test one out soon! I decided to share with my parents and my leader about my intention to get a 2 seater, 3.5 liter, iconic japanese sports car. You can imagine how they responded - not very impressed, I must say. Everyone I knew were against me getting the car. Some were really subtle in their approach and reminded me to make sure my tithes were in order before considering the purchase. My church leader told me not to be selfish, to think about starting a family and buy a safe saloon car. “So even after speaking to your parents, you are not changing your mind? “Since you don’t want to listen to me and my advice, even though I am your leader, I have decided to end our discipleship.” “We can be friends and you can still get advice from me but I will no longer be your leader.” Honestly, I was crushed. It was a very difficult time for me, to lose a leader over a car. I had to stand firm on my conviction and go against my parents advice because I knew God had done something in me through the 9 months of searching for a car. It wasn’t just a car I was choosing to buy, but it signified a season in my life where faith was at work and it was being tested. There was such a deep conviction about the car that I was ready to make a stand and disappoint those close to me. For me, the 9 months of working through a “material” choice became a spiritual journey and a mindset shift. --- I am blessed to own a 2004 Nissan Fairlady for the past 5 years. I bought over the car from a friend who had maintained the car well. It had Brembo brakes and adjustable TEIN suspensions for better handling. He had just gotten married and his wife was expecting. I kinda hinted that his car would be better off with me since he was going to be a family man soon! Sure enough, two months later we were working out the loan and sorting out the name transfer! The car was bought for RM100K. When I first got this car, I told God to keep me single for the next 3 years so I could drive around Malaysia and enjoy the drive. That proved to be a selfish request because three weeks later I was in a relationship! Haha. This season, I am able to go on road trips alone. If you have followed me on Facebook/Instagram last week, you would have seen my journey across Malaysia. The drive took over 60 hours and some 2900km without as much as a glitch. He protected me and kept me alert during those long 10 hour drives through some of the windiest and darkest roads. The car held so well in the toughtest terrain and even when I pushed it harder, it kept on going. This car, like it’s owner has done many extra miles. I have visited schools, gone on many road trips and it has not been spared from repairs and a few minor accidents. I have not missed my tithes or my car repayment since I first got the car. What I am amazed is time and time again how God has allowed me to enjoy this car. He delights seeing us find pleasure in what we love and He is a giver of good gifts. It is in these long journeys that I am alone worshiping, talking to him, listening and taking corners at high speed that I feel pleasure, His pleasure. I come alive when I overtake or when I cruise leisurely and enjoy the beauty of my surroundings. I realise earlier on when I bought the car that there was a direct relation of the horse power and my effort as a runner. Driving a sports car, like running a tuned body is mechanical and automated yet when you push it to its limits and you can feel the raw power from the source. Everything works together in harmony and there is such awe at the power that is released. Only a sports car would do... He knew that I would find joy in going long distances, accelerating at will and appreciate the performance of a well maintained engine. Can you imagine me driving that RM50K Myvi that first started my desire for a car? There has been many lessons I have learnt since owning this car but one particular lesson remains a constant reminder - the journey of stewardship. Philippians 4:12 says “I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” We can ask freely for what we desire and He is able to bless us! When our hearts are right, our request draws us close to him, unlocks the resources of Heaven and He receives all the glory. To every thing there is a season and am grateful for this journey thus far. “Your life is a journey you must travel with a deep consciousness of God. ” ~ 1 Peter 1:18-21 MSG

[morganbelarus]

The Best Bachelorette Recap Youll Ever Read: The Drunk Goggles Come Off

Well, fam, we’ve made it to week three of Hannah’s season of The Bachelorette, which feels like a small miracle given that today is also Memorial Day. I don’t know about y’all, but my state of mind rn is nowhere near ready to handle the energy that is Hannah Beast. I just spent the last 72 hours living in a bikini and hanging out with people whose idea of a good time involves chugging beer out of a plastic mallard duck that they’ve fashioned into a makeshift beer bong (because patriotism, America, YEEHAW), and am not at all ready to crawl out of the dark, dark hole that is my hangover. I’m not sure what’s been worse: having to ride in the middle seat the whole plane ride back sandwiched between a girl who didn’t understand how to use headphones and played Candy Crush AT FULL VOLUME the entire trip and a man who committed the capital punishment offense of taking off his shoes on the goddamn airplane whilst trying not to dry heave into my crumpled Bojangles bag, or having to listen to Cam rap this evening. I guess we’ll find out.

Chris Harrison starts things off this week by bringing up how drunk Hannah was at last week’s rose ceremony. CHRIS. You can’t just throw her under the bus like that! I know he’s phoning it these days with all seven minutes of screen time he’s negotiated out of this season, but my god, he’s not even trying to hide his disgust at this point.  

CHRIS: We all got to see a, ah, different side of Hannah, didn’t we?

Lmao these men are looking at him like “how could we f*cking forget.” Look, guys, it was rough for us to watch as well, but you know what? Marriage is all about having and holding through thick and thin, and right now the thick is your girl snotting into her champagne glass mid-cocktail party. This is a true testament of your love right here, boys!

The First Group Date:

Hannah and the men show up for the first group date and find Jason Biggs acting out a labor and delivery scene right before their horrified eyes. Wait. Is that Cassie’s sister panting over there? Oh no, just a blonde with a similar haircut. For a second I thought ABC was throwing her a bone and giving her an actual acting gig. It’s the least they could do for Cassie and her family after taking one for the team with Colton last spring.

For this date, Hannah wants a group of men who most certainly blow dried their hair that morning to sympathize with the trials and tribulations of being a woman by simulating pregnancy. This should be good.

To start things off, Hannah quizzes the men on basic female anatomy, and the results don’t bode well for the Fantasy Suite. One guy thought the gestation period for a woman was two weeks long, and I’ll bet if asked he’d also say that a woman has never faked it with him either. Godspeed with this one, Hans!

Hannah starts putting clothespins on the guys nipples and it’s, like, I’m sorry, but did this just turn into an S&M date?? She’s getting far too much enjoyment out of giving a bunch of men purple nurples.

Now that Hannah’s done torturing the men with clothespins she wants them to go through labor pains. Lol. Way to set the mood, Hannah. What’s next, re-enacting the pull and pray? Having the guys pee on a stick and let the pure panic and anxiety set in when it’s been more than six weeks since conception? I’m sure they’ll all want to make out you after this though!

The men are not taking fake labor well. Jed looks like he actually might sh*t himself from the pain. Meanwhile Tyler C, the man who referred to the intricacies of the female anatomy as “down there,” looks like he thinks this is a cover shoot. God, I can’t wait for her to shock his ass.

View this post on Instagram

Nailed it.

A post shared by Bachelor-ish (@bachelorish) on May 28, 2019 at 5:51am PDT

The public school sex ed program in Alabama at work, people!

Then there’s JPJ, who’s acting a little bit too surprised by the fake labor pains here. Why do I feel like he has one of these machines at home that he likes to whip out when it comes time for foreplay?

Moving on to the cocktail portion of the evening. Guys, I think Mike has an excellent chance of being the next Bachelor. I don’t really think Hannah will pick him, but he’s checking off all the Bachelor boxes here: attractiveness, smarts, and a heartbreaking sob story that will melt the panties off of every woman in America. Mark my words, kids, a star has been born.

CAM: I’ll be waiting at any time outside that door.

NOW IS NOT THAT TIME CAM. Okay, this guy is a stone cold psycho, I can’t. He’s like “I just have something really important to share with her.” Meanwhile, Mike is in the middle of sharing his literal darkest moment. Finding a new word to rhyme with “bachelorette” for your rap does not count as something “really important” to share, Cam!

Hannah tells him that some conversations just need to take longer and Cam goes “Oh, I totally get it. I’m a deep person too. I just quit my job!” That doesn’t make you deep, Cammie, that just makes you my type: unemployed. Also, didn’t they all kind of need to quit their jobs to be there? My boss barely wants to welcome me back to work after a long weekend away from the office, let alone after six weeks of humiliating myself on national television for America’s viewing pleasure.

I’m loving that Jonathan took one for the team and physically bounced Cam out of the room as if he’s me at the boats & hoes mixer sophomore year, but that was a little scary. I feel like he should have just let Cam dig his own grave, but to each their own.

JONATHAN: What goes around comes around, bro. CAM:

THAT STARE OH MY GOD. Cam is looking at Jonathan like he’s picturing all the ways he can wear his skin as a suit and it’s so alarming.

Mike snags the group date rose, proving once again that if your backstory is juicy and sad enough, you’ll always win a rose that week. Bravo.

Connor’s One-On-One Date:

Connor gets the one-on-one date this week, which is shocking to me because I thought he went home last week? I, mean, I’m not going to check the internet or even my notes from last episode because, like, I don’t care? But it’s still odd to see him here, especially since he barely looks old enough to stay home alone while his parents go to the PTA meeting.  

Lol. I love that Chris Harrison can’t even be bothered to show up and inform Connor his date isn’t happening. He just sends the intern that week in between making him pick up his laundry and a matcha tea.

Aww, this is kind of cute though. Apparently, Hannah is hungover sick, so they won’t be having a real date. Instead she just wants to hang out with him in her hotel room. Literally I have so much respect for this. If I could initiate some sort of Netflix and chill date without having to pretend to be into blowjobs, I would. Sitting in a dark room without speaking to the other person for hours on end? That is the dream, people.  

Perhaps Hannah should have lead with the fact that she’s not contagious because when she goes in to kiss Connor, he practically recoils in horror. Hannah explains that she just felt faint and she went to the hospital to get more fluids. Again, her “sick” feels a lot like my hangover, but whatever you need to call it for MeeMaw watching back home!

Okay, Connor is such a cutie. After Hannah tells him to gtfo because she needs a nap (again, RESPECT), he leaves her little love sticky notes around her hotel suite. The only love note I’ve ever gotten in my entire goddamn life was from an ex-boyfriend who wrote “we need milk” and I still have it and look at it from time to time to remember what romance feels like, so you know I’m swooning.

HOW PRETTY YOU LOOK WITHOUT MAKEUP. Okay, which producer told him to write that gold line? Because I saw how squeamish he looked when he first walked into her room and found her without a stitch of makeup on and wearing sweatpants from high school. Also, “I love the sparkle in your eye”? That is such a thing you say when you literally know nothing else about the person you’re talking to. Like, what does it even mean??

I guess the ibuprofen finally started kicking in, because all of a sudden Hannah feels well enough for drinks and dancing. She picks Connor up from the mansion and Luke looks like he might smuggle himself on the date via the trunk of that limo.

Okay, where do they always find these washed up street dogs to sing at the end of all these group dates? Like, are they a part of Jed’s garage band? Do we think singing on the Bachelorette is a better or worse fate for your music career than being a wedding singer? Both seem pretty bleak to me tbh.

Connor gets the rose, but thankfully not the flu. Can you imagine? His mom never would let him stay out after 10pm again!

The Second Group Date:

For today’s date the men will be modeling with other women, and that’s certainly not a test at all. I guess Luke will have both Jesus AND Hannah watching him today. Yikes.

Okay, I didn’t know Demi was now a permanent full-time employee of Mike Fleiss? I mean, at this point she’s gotten more screen time than Chris Harrison this season. Let’s hope ABC provides good dental! She’ll need it for the upkeep on those veneers. I will say I’m glad they decided to cut the deadweight that was Katie’s presence from this episode. She contributed nothing but bewildered looks, and I get enough of those from my dog on the couch.

Hannah’s like “I want Demi here because she has good insight.” If by “insight” you mean thousands of dollars worth of spy equipment tracking every waking move of these guys, then, yes, she has GREAT insight, but I believe the law would call this situation entrapment.

I feel like Luke is going to ask the makeup artist to touch up his eyebrows. Anyone else?

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Working on their fitness!🏋️‍♂️ #TheBachelorette

A post shared by The Bachelorette (@bacheloretteabc) on May 27, 2019 at 6:10pm PDT

He tries to grab Hannah after the photoshoot so he can talk to her while simultaneously rubbing their connection in the other guys’ faces. It’s like when I was seeing this guy a while back and my dog peed in his bed the first time she stayed the night at his place. Gotta show them who’s in charge!

I feel like Hannah was really into Luke when she was drunk, and now that she’s sobered up a bit, she’s repulsed. The drunk goggles are off now. May the odds be ever in your favor, Lukie!

HANNAH: Sometimes I’m so attracted to him and then other times I can barely stand to breathe the same air as him, you know?

Brb. Let me just go update my last will and testament to have that written on my headstone.

While I’m glad Hannah is standing up for herself here, I’m not sure why she thinks his behavior is just going to magically change? This is called toxic masculinity and it’s a life-long battle, honey.  Prepare yourself now.

Seconds after Hannah finishes talking with Luke, he continues to stalk her every move and intercept every conversation she has. So, the conversation went well! I love that she was like “I hate this thing about you,” so he doubled down on the thing she hates about him. Luke, is this what Jesus really told you to do in that shower?

HANNAH: Look, I call the shots here. ME:

YESSS GIRL. Put him in his goddamn place!

Luke, after being chastised AGAIN, handles the rejection about as well as an internet troll who’s just been denied in a DM. Luke declares that he’s not really sure he likes Hannah, he never has, and would be cool with going home. It’s the equivalent of him saying “you’re fat and I would never want to go out with you anyways.” Booooo. Go back to living under a bridge, Luke, and try your riddles out on someone who cares!

On a lighter note, I’ve very into Peter The Pilot. I’m slightly distraught that the pilots I’ve recently encountered were less hot and single and more like the type who would point out random landmarks over the intercom while you’re trying to sleep (looking at you @AmericanAirlines).

PETER: That was the smoothest take off I’ve ever had ME AND EVERY OTHER WOMAN IN AMERICA RN: I’ll let you take off whatever you want on me. 

Peter gets the group date rose, and possibly a DM from me the next time I’m drunk if he plays his cards right. Call me!

The Rose Ceremony:

Before the cocktail party can commence, Chris Harrison shows up to drop some last-minute news on the guys. I love that the men are shocked to see Chris actually doing his f*cking job. They’re like “Chris! I totally forgot you go here! It’s wild!” I guess Demi had a conflicting meeting or something that day.

Chris lets the men know that there will be no cocktail party tonight, just a tailgate. Jesus. That is the most yeehaw sh*t I’ve heard in a while, and I bonged a spiked seltzer out of a plastic duck’s mouth yesterday. Hannah’s like “I just went to the hospital so I need a chill day. Let’s bring out the keg and the bales of hay!”

After Chris leaves, Cam gives a very strange speech about how he needs to talk to Hannah privately at the beginning of the cocktail party because he has some huge secret he has to tell her. But like, what could this so-called secret possibly be? That he’s not actually a successful rapper? I’m shocked. He has a restraining order against him? I’m absolutely aghast. He’s really the zodiac killer? That one might have some merit to it. Can we get the FBI in on this one? Or at the very least Demi and that sleuthing kit she bought off Amazon Prime?

Okay, LOL, what is this story coming out of his mouth rn? Did he just google “sad endings to books” and cobble them all together into one long, convoluted story? There’s something about a 10-month-old puppy and a peg leg? Am I hearing this right? What happened with the amputation?! Is his leg fake?? I NEED ANSWERS.

Mike, a man who also used his own sob story to get a rose, tells Hannah that he thought Cam was using his “sad” story to get a rose. Mike, honey, that’s how this show works. We all know you’re just tattling in case Cam’s story is sadder than yours.

Hannah confronts Cam about the legitimacy of his peg leg story, which feels like it could easily be cleared up by looking at the two whole legs currently poking out of the basketball shorts he’s wearing. Hannah is pretty hung up over that “pity rose” comment, but in Cam’s defense, he didn’t actually use those words at all. I think he’s a moron, but he really is getting gaslighted here. The evidence would not hold up in a court of law is all I’m saying!

As the cocktail party/tailgate wraps up, they all head inside to get changed before the actual rose ceremony. Oh, so she’s not going to hand out roses over those bales of hay? I thought you said you just wanted a chill night, Hannah?

HANNAH: If I give you a rose tonight it won’t be a pity rose. ME TO MY DOG ALONE IN MY LIVING ROOM:

SHOTS FIRED, PEOPLE. That was savage. Hannah Beast is out tonight, y’all.

Tbh I’m not even sure why we’re having a rose ceremony here. I think we all know who’s going home tonight. Two randoms and Cam. I’d bet the advil bottle I’m currently clutching in my hand rn.

Final rose cut: Jonathan, Joey, and Cam get sent home. Well, while I hate to see you go Cammie boy, I can’t wait to see ya in Paradise, waving that fake leg of yours as your BiP intro!

And that’s a wrap from me, kids! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m just going to go crawl back into my dark hangover hole and treat this hangover with the respect it truly deserves. 

Images: Giphy (6); @bacheloretteabc (1); @bachelorish /Instagram (1); ABC (2)

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The Best Bachelorette Recap Youll Ever Read: The Drunk Goggles Come Off was originally posted by MetNews