#oh i’ve been procrastinating today which is why i’ve been active lol

[killa-trav]

listen ferrari failed seb but the love seb will always have for ferrari is stronger than anything

[mithrilwren]

Fanfic ask game for procrastinating on writing, which as of this week is actually accurate, since I’m finally writing again! (or, more specifically, editing what I wrote two months ago so I can get back to writing.)

Tagged by @essektheylyss! Thank you, this is exactly the kind of activity my brain needed tonight.

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

72! I was hovering at 69 for quite a while, sad to break the streak haha

2) What’s your total AO3 word count?

~550K, which is somehow both more and less than what I expected

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

Many, lmao. According to my Ao3 (omitting any blanket tags) I’ve got 22 there, plus at least two more over on ff.net from back in the day, and probably a couple more just on Tumblr. Most of them I’ve only written one fic for, though. I think the only fandoms where I’ve written more than one are Critical Role (35), Supernatural (15), Haikyuu!! (3), The Exorcist (2), Dimension 20 (2), and Yu-Gi-Oh! (2)

4) What are your top five fics by kudos?

Pick a Number, Any Number

Surprisingly, my number one is NOT a Critical Role fic, nor is it even one of my longer multi-chapters! It’s actually a one-shot I wrote for Haikyuu!! back in the day that took off far beyond what I expected. I wrote it for DaiSuga week, which was a ship I (to be completely honest) wasn’t even terribly invested in, but I had a fun idea and people seemed to like it! (It’s also much fluffier than what I usually write, which might be part of its broader appeal ;))

A Winter’s Ball

Unsurprisingly, the next four are all CR ;). This one was a M9 x VM crossover that I primarily wrote between the hours of 3-8am over the course of two insomnia-wracked nights and honestly, I think it shows in its uncharacteristically unstructured format (compared to my typical style, which tends to favour shorter scenes with very intentionally-placed breaks between, as opposed to scenes that flow into each other without pause). That’s not to say I think it’s a bad thing! The story, which follows Beau as she drifts through a party in Whitestone and observes the interactions between the various guests, actually flows better without that kind of interruption. This was also my first Beaujester piece. I started writing it right before Beau’s confession aired, and published it the week after, which definitely pushed me to make what had been only subtextual in the first half of my draft into the emotional lynchpin of the story.

Only the Nightingale Sings

I’m really glad this one still ranks as high as it does, because this story is absolutely my pride and joy. At one time (though I’m not sure that’s true anymore) it was the longest gen fic in the fandom, which is pretty cool! Plot-heavy, twist-heavy, angst-heavy, with seven points of view to follow and multiple interwoven storylines, it was a beast of a thing to write, and took almost exactly a year to finish, but the long process was oh-so worth it. Literally nothing makes me happier today than seeing a new comment or kudos on this story.

Closer Still

One of my earliest shadowgast fics, this one asks the question “how can you make the ‘stuck in an elevator trope’ fantasy?” The answer is, as always, demiplanes. This fic, perhaps more than any of my other shadowgast fics, is interesting to revisit, because it was written before the ep 97 reveal, but literally everything Essek does in it would suggest otherwise. It reads like I already knew he was a spy working with Trent, and yet I was firmly in the “Essek is NOT the spy” camp at the time. Gotta chalk that up to Matt telegraphing his growing guilt into the preceding episodes - even if I couldn’t see it, it was clearly there.

your dust from mine

My other novel-length CR multichapter, this fic brought me so much joy in the otherwise bleak summer of 2020. Most of my best memories of those four months come from working on this story. A Fjorclay adaption of The Goose Girl (my favourite fairytale) this story is about healing, growth, and figuring out what happiness means to you. While I know most people don’t read stories for this pairing anymore, for obvious reasons, I still cherish your dust from mine for how much of my heart I poured into it, and I look back on it with a huge amount of fondness.

5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I do my absolute best to respond to every comment someone leaves on a story of mine, even if it occasionally takes a month or two. Replying to comments is one of my favourite parts of the fic-writing process - it gives me a chance to revisit peoples’ kind words and (often, incredibly insightful) observations, and I hope it also shows how appreciative I am of each and every one. 

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

Though I write a lot of angst, I honestly tend more towards bittersweet endings than straight-up sadness. The only one I can really think of is What You Own - mind the tags if you follow the link, this is definitely one of the gnarlier things I’ve written for CR - whose ending is, admittedly, bleak. But this story so far removed from canon that I don’t think it’s the kind of angsty ending that lingers with you, as much as it packs a punch and then lets you go on your way.

7) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I tend to enjoy thinking about crossovers moreso than actually writing them. I’ve brainstormed a few, but none have ever made it much farther than the first page.

8) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

A few times! Not often, thankfully. Only one time in particular really sticks out to me, mostly for how it rocked my confidence in a way that I don’t think any comment could now, since I’ve had a few more years to build up faith in my own writing.

9) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Very, very occasionally.

10) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I hope not! 

11) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope!

12) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Oh man, back in the Glee days... yeah. Yeah, I have. Nothing that ever got published, though ;)

13) What’s your all time favourite ship?

Not sure I have one! Ships come and go with the seasons, and sometimes they’re best left in the era you found them.

14) What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

The Shadowgast figure skating AU. It’s never going to happen, but I wish it had.

15) What are your writing strengths?

I would say probably structure, in terms of constructing narrative arcs and through-lines. I’m organized with my writing in a way that I am in few other areas of my life, haha. I’d also say my sense of place - I think I’m pretty good at constructing living, breathing settings and exploring how my characters interact affect/are affected by them.

16) What are your writing weaknesses?

I have a tendency to be wordy (which you might surmise from the length of this post, lol) and repeat myself, usually by going over emotional beats that don’t need the extra reinforcement. On the other hand, I tend to underexplain certain elements (particularly, important plot details in fic, and character motivation in original writing), which can lead to confusion.

A couple years ago I would have said dialogue, but I’ve put a lot of practice into it and I honestly think I’ve improved a lot, which is pretty cool!

17) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I’ve never done it myself, and it’s not generally my favourite thing to read (like @essektheylyss said, it makes me hyper-aware that I’m reading words on a page, especially if I have to follow a footnote somewhere). That said, I’ve definitely also seen it used effectively, so I think it’s more down to whether it suits the particular story!

18) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

Yu-Gi-Oh!

19) What’s your favourite fic you’ve written?

As mentioned above, Only the Nightingale Sings.

[not-poignant]

Piaaaa!!!!! I saw that you’re feeling down as a writer but I’m here to tell you to cHEER THE EFF UP WITH MY AGGRESSIVE LOVE! Seriously though, I’ve been keeping up with your work for years now and I never stop raving about your fics to anyone who will listen. You might think the FT fandom is dying but it’s not! We’re here! We’re just stupidly shy and admire from maybe too afar 🙈 But yeah, please know you’re doing amazing stuff and I love all your FT babies to bits! Kay? Kay. 💜

Hi anon,

The thing is, I’ve been here since 2013 and readers have always been shy. There’s nothing new about that. And the sudden downward swing across all facets (including ones that don’t require like...much active engagement) cannot be explained by ‘everyone suddenly became mysteriously more shy over the past 8 months, and more and more people are getting more and more shy.’

That’s not very logical.

The downward swing, of the last 8 months, by the way, can be observed across:

AO3 commentsAO3 kudosAO3 bookmarksAO3 hitsnew patreon subscriberspatreon subscribers leaving (more patrons left per month than signed on in 8 consecutive months)anonymous askspost likespost reblogspost engagement in general (replies etc.) interaction with writing memes (that’s sitting on a spectacular ‘zero engagement’ which has never happened before and was pretty demoralising)Discord activity

Not all of those things require people to ‘overcome shyness.’ Hits, for example, just require people turning up. Same with kudos, etc. And I feel like I’m forgetting some things, but anyway that’s a pretty good list.

I’m not the only one that has noticed it re: my writing. A few other people have reached out to tell me that they’ve noticed the inactivity over a period of about 5 months, and it’s not improving, nor is it showing any signs of stabilising. I don’t know when the downward trend will stop, but it’s still continuing right now. I can see and monitor my ‘behind the scenes’ metrics (though a lot of AO3 engagement is public and observable to anyone who wants to notice it), and I can see actual graphs and bright red loss metrics on Patreon that show me things haven’t been this bad for me since 2014 (and in like two months, it will be the worst its ever been).

Anyway, I feel like it’s paramount to say a few things too. I’m really grateful for the folks who enjoy my writing, regardless of how they enjoy it or interact with it (if they do at all). I’m in a really lucky position. The me of 9 years ago would have killed to have had a successful Patreon account, or like, even vague interest in my writing projects. I still have amazing readers and to be honest, those people are why I’ve been able to keep up with a really good writing turnover for like the past 6 months (around the time I realised that engagement was dropping and kept thinking ‘oh it’s temporary, it’s just school holidays / college / end of year exams / etc.’). Because it’s depressing to notice a constant downward trend behind the scenes, so like, the interaction I do get has been everything, and I’m really grateful. 100% that’s why I’m still working on Spoils of the Spoiled today

So for me, part of the issue is that there has been no plateau or stabilisation of the loss of income and like, engagement, which makes me think this might get a lot worse and it may not ever get better or recover. I’ve had cause to think that it’s not just external factors either (gosh it would be nice if it was just all about the season or exams or something lol). I don’t really think this is a ‘reader issue’ I think this is a ‘writer issue.’ I don’t think anyone is doing anything wrong. Like I said before, other authors who write similar content to me are doing great right now. so I can’t attribute this to ‘Tumblr dying�� or folks not doing enough. Something about how I’m writing right now, or what I’m writing, just isn’t appealing to a lot of people. And it’s becoming less appealing over time. I’m really glad it still appeals to some people, and that’s why I’m still here.

The fact is as well, if people aren’t being inspired to interact more with the fic, or interact in the ways they have in the past with the writing, that’s not...anyone’s problem or fault, that’s the fault of the writing. I’m not here to ask for more interaction. Because that’s like...pity, and just...no. I’m just in this really locked up, stubborn place where like, I can’t reinvent Fae Tales (and tbh, The Ice Plague requiring so much early reading re: GT and COFT means it’s almost completely inaccessible to new readers anyway), I don’t know if anyone would even invest time in a new series and new characters, and I don’t often want to write for the old fandoms people ask me to write for, and then on top of that, like a fool, I really believe in my writing and I don’t think it’s bad. It’s just not connecting with increasing numbers of people. And I think the ones it does connect with - I think all of us kind of are in this pit and we ‘get it’ but the number of those people has been dropping over time.

Unfortunately, I don’t only write fanfiction (which is like by far and away like 5 times more popular than anything else I write anyway) and I do try and make an income off the original writing, because of medical bills and life stuff. I don’t want anyone to pledge who can’t afford to pledge because that’s really not in the spirit of Patreon. I don’t want anyone to force themselves to interact out of nostalgia or because they feel pity or whatever because that’s uncomfortable, and I don’t want people to invest time in something when other things inspire them more, because then you should be giving your energy to those things that inspire you more.

[mresundance]

hurray! it was my birthday today! 

cut because very long, rambly, and self-indulgent. about my birthday, my job, money, and moving to a new place. not necessarily in that order. 

officially i celebrated my birthday on tuesday when i went to the immersive van gogh exhibit with my mom. it was amazing and well worth visiting. there were parts of the exhibit where i was brought to tears. 

today at work there was doughnuts just for the hell of it. plus, i got to pick where we ordered takeout from for lunch. (it’s a company tradition. when someone has a birthday they to choose where we get food from.) i chose curry and people agreed it was a good idea, so huzzah. 

tonight a friend told me: "You are not getting older. You are getting more you, which is incredibly better.” 

this was something i needed to hear. i’ve been a little frustrated lately, mostly with my job, money, and moving to a new place and having to start over in terms of building my life. 

the last place i lived i was there for 10 years. i had a network of close friends and i felt very comfortable. i wonder why i moved because i feel so very uncomfortable where i am now. i know the more i get out and meet people the more i will become comfortable with my surroundings. though i don’t know if i will ever like driving in this new city. it’s sort of a nightmare. parking is a huge nightmare -- as in lol -- parking, what parking?

as for my job and money . . . i have found the adjustment to a 9-to-5 job difficult to say the least. i am used to an academic lifestyle, where the only time i actively “work” is when i go in to teach. the rest of my time, outside of those hours, is mine to structure as i please. the academic lifestyle demands a lot of discipline, because you basically have to put aside time each day to do coursework, prep, and grading. but it also offers SO much freedom because you can decide your own schedule. if i need to make doctor’s appointments or go to the grocery store, it’s so easy because i can do that outside of teaching hours -- which could be whenever during the week, basically. a 9-to-5 schedule, however, is rigid, and you have to take time off work for appointments. going to the grocery store has to be done outside of work hours, usually on weekends or weeknights, when the store is busy. :/

you may say “oh, cry me a river”, but understand i spent the last decade teaching and living the academic lifestyle. previously i had worked a 9-to-5 job at walmart ( >:((((( ). i can’t just flip a switch and go from “my schedule is my own” to “40 hours of my time rigidly belong to my employer” with ease. 

as a result my sleep schedule has been . . . meh. i struggle to get to bed on time. i find myself wanting to stay up late to do things because i don’t have much time once i get home from work. that, or i am so tired i actually procrastinate on getting ready for bed because brushing my teeth just seems like too much effort. it’s an endless cycle of just managing to get enough sleep for a few nights, then not getting enough sleep for a few nights, then enough sleep, etc. i’m shocked it hasn’t sent me into a bipolar depression or mania tbh. it’s a small miracle and clear that my current drug regimen is really really working. fingers crossed it stays that way. 

another thing that really bites ass about working 9-to-5 is that is has dramatically cut into my writing time. DDDD: i am used to spending two hours a day on my writing. now i try to squeeze in an hour on weekdays, and two hours a day on weekends. and it’s just . . . not enough. an hour is not enough. my mind and creativity is just getting spooled up after an hour and then i have to sign off for the night. it frankly makes me not want to write because it makes the exercise seem futile. what’s the point when i only have one hour? i am trying to adjust my expectations, but it’s been frustrating and difficult. 

and as for money . . . that too is not enough. on paper i am earning double what i earned previously, but that’s before taxes and my health insurance takes a sizable chunk out of my paycheck. i cannot afford to put away money in my 401k right now, because if i did, i wouldn’t have any “buffer” money left after my bills and expenses at the end of the month. i would basically just be breaking even if i contributed to my 401k. i can’t afford to save for my future. :///

i moved to a place where the rent is higher and honestly, my rent is about half of what i earn in a month. it was something i thought long and hard about. my apartment is centrally located, which means it’s about 15 - 20 minutes of driving to get pretty much anywhere in the city. i am in walking distance of my hair stylist, my dentist, work, my physical therapist, and several local attractions, bars, and restaurants. i haven’t gotten out as much as i should, honestly, but everything is right at my doorstep. and that is what i am paying for. still, i think i should have tried to move into the same location and gotten a roommate/rented a room. it would have been MUCH cheaper and i would have had someone around to talk to on an everyday basis. but you live, you learn. 

the rent situation aside, i am not paid enough. :/// i did a little more research into what a person with my experience, in my city, should expect to be paid in my position, and i’m being paid about 10k short of what i should be. :/// this is no bueno. i don’t know what i’m going to do about it, because negotiating a raise that high would be . . . yeah. probably not going to happen, no matter how generous and positive my company is. in january we do reviews, raises and bonuses, and i’m going to give them a list of 10 reasons why i should get X raise. it would be a big raise, but i figure the worst they can do is say “no”. i also figure if i give them a high number, they might give me a bigger raise than the standard 3-to-5 percent. the only reason i am even daring enough to ask for this kind of raise is:

a) i negotiated for a higher salary and a moving bonus and got it; 

b) my 6-month review was absolutely glowing; they had no complaints and only positive things to say about my progress.

so i think if i continue to work hard and make progress, and bring my a-game to my january review (ie, that list of 10 reasons why i should get X raise), that something good will shake out. 

in the meantime, money is pretty tight. i’ve been able to save a little since i’ve moved here -- something like $100 a month -- and even pay down some credit card debt. but it looks like november and december i might just break even. *shrug* i am not looking forward to the end of january, when my student loans kick in again. i know that my loan servicer is probably going to try and up my payments to about $200 a month, which is the narrow margin of “extra” money i have each month, after all my bills and expenses are paid. which would mean that *every* month i would just be breaking even. i am basically going to have to negotiate/beg my loan company to not jack up my payments to $200 if i want to survive and expect to have any kind of savings/financial safety net. 

i love the company i work for and genuinely enjoy my work. i like the people very much. my supervisor is absolutely incredible. he has great integrity, is patient, kind, compassionate, and is proactive and very hands on about training me. even though he’s very demanding, i appreciate his attention to detail so much, because he is teaching me to do things the right way, rather than the quick and easy way. at the end of the day, i leave work feeling satisfied. most of all, i like being able to leave work at work. i have no responsibilities to work outside of work. i am not responsible for other people like i was with teaching. with teaching, i was indirectly responsible for students -- which, at a college level, is bullshit. it should be bullshit, at least, because my students were adults, or should be treated like adults. but if a student had a complaint, it wasn’t me the dean or my chairs would listen to. i was responsible, even if it was the student who fucked up. but with this job i am only responsible for my own work. as a result, i have less stress in this job than i did with teaching. everyone at work is currently freaking out about fourth quarter, which we are in the midst of. it’s the busiest time of the year, when we have the most projects going on. and while i do have plenty to do, i find it is not all that busy? i’ve graded a 100 papers in one sitting at times. fourth quarter is nothing compared to that. 

that said, i do miss the academic lifestyle itself. mostly i miss being able to have time to write. i think if i could find a more supportive working environment as a teacher, it might be worth going back to teaching simply to have time to write. because i am a writer at heart. that’s what i want to do with my life more than anything. ultimately i make a lot of my choices in life based on nurturing that. i don’t know though. the overwhelming relief and lack of stress in this current job is its own reward. 

we’ll see. i am keeping my eyes peeled for academic jobs that might be a good fit. i already have one i am going to apply for, a tenure track position with a community college. it has incredibly good pay (20 - 40k more than i currently make, in a place where the cost of living is lower) and seems like it would be a great fit. but we’ll see.

i am also going to keep my eyes peeled for copywriting and other writing jobs, simply because if i don’t get a decent raise/bonus in january, i will have to look for a more sustainable job. i may love this company and the people in it, but love doesn’t put food on the table, money in my 401k, or buy plane tickets so i can finally visit family members i haven’t seen in literally years.

and this got loooong much longer than expected. i wrote this for myself mostly. heh. and now i have made myself late for bed. oh well. i needed to process all this anyways. 

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

Doing the Write Thing #48 after 10 years and 3 seasons of criminal minds + Foster’s birthday

It’s been so long... Dudes...

Many things have happened. Sort of.

My last DtWT update had me outlining how I was super stoked to see Precious Kid in Pennsylvania, and that happened... It was honestly so amazing, and Justine, Chuck, and Kassie are the sweetest human beings in the entire world + they gave us their setlists and had a loooooooong conversation with @sarahkelsiwrites​ and I. Amazing live also.

I also went to Mexico with my family last week! It was an interesting experience, and I do miss it looking back. I’m really bad at long vacations in general, and there wasn't much to do on the resort in terms of activities daily, so I had a lot of time to myself. It was a nice week to kinda chill and detox from my normal mega busy life, but OH BOY did I miss writing...

Like I mentioned before, I had a LOT of free time on the resort, so @sarahkelsiwrites​ made it our business to binge watch 2 full seasons of Criminal Minds in that week... (Started season two on Monday, finished it today lol).

Here’s my relationship with Criminal Minds in a nutshell:

I’ve been watching this show for ages. I can’t even pinpoint when I first started watching it because it’s been so long. I’m going to say I was even as young as 8 or 9 when I started watching this show (can’t quite remember though). So to put it simply: I've been watching Criminal Minds for most of my life.

When I was in early elementary school, my sister and I would come home from school and watch the show with our two older brothers if they happened to be watching it (which was often cuz yo oldest brother watched this thing a lot), or we’d watch the marathons, and the list goes on and on.

When driving up to MusikFest in Pennsylvania to catch Precious Kid, my oldest brother pulled the show up on his phone, and oh my did Rachel remember the good times she used to have as a kid watching this show. I seriously think I forgot about my love for this show, since this was my first time watching it probably since the start of the year. This was the start to a huge problem... (the best problem you could ever have)

I’ve watched a TON of Criminal Minds episodes over the years, but since I watched them YEARS ago, I’ve forgotten about them. So @sarahkelsiwrites​ and I decided to watch the show again and...

How does this relate to writing at all?

Oh, my friends... I’ve been so inspired by this show, I’ve written 4500 words of just IDEAS over the past two weeks. These aren't even fleshed out scenes.

(Also if you have no idea what Criminal Minds is, it’s the best crime show you will ever watch. Fetus me loved this show. Present me understands why.)

In my last DtWT post, I talked about sort of being bored by my scene. It was something I really wanted to write, but the words were churning out slow and painfully. Because of this show, I’ve sort of combatted this. Not perfectly, I’m still having issues (which I’ll get into later), but this has become my favourite form of procrastination and I have zero regrets because I hardcore fancasted the FOSTERED cast to the Criminal Minds cast and every time I watch an episode it’s like OH HELLO.

If you’re a Criminal Minds fan and want to get to know my characters, these are basically them:

Hotchner = Lonan

Hotch and Lonan are the same people. I kid you not. If you don't know what Lonan’s like, just Hotch.

Morgan = Harrison

Dunno what else I can say about this one but ermagherd.

JJ = Reeve

also another ermagherd (ESPECIALLY SEASON 10)

Reid = Foster

cuz have u seen morgan + reid’s relationship

also when I was like 10, my mall had an advertisement with matthew gray gubler in it (who plays reid) and I highkey loved going into this store because of this. reid made child me really proud to be geeky af thank you reid.

Prentiss = Glenne

SO MUCH.

So yes. Thank you Criminal Minds. *bows down to Criminal Minds*

I think that’s all I had to say about Criminal Minds so in other news, guess who’s incredibly sick?

ME!

I caught a really bad cold on Monday (like right as I got home from Mexico, I get sick at home smh), and haven't shaken it yet. Which means I’ve been getting really bad fevers etc and yeah... Not fun. SO I’ve been resting (and probably still should be instead of writing this but I missed you guys, so hello) and watching Criminal Minds. And not writing. Except for about an hour ago.

This is the cause for my temporary block at the moment since it’s really hard for me to concentrate when sick especially with a scene I've struggled with previously. Today’s writing session was just the bare minimum of fleshing out an idea I got in Mexico. Onto the update, shall we?

Daily word count goal: 250

Words written: 686

Total word count: 122 078

Total page count: 221

Songs played: Planning vacation days for next summer in no music land at this point

Things to know: Wrote this with a sore throat (TM) with very little sleep because I had the worst sleep ever (TM)

How I felt: Better than bored as f so yayyy! THANK YOU HOTCH FOR REPLENISHING MY SALTY LONAN VIBES.

Bad haiku to describe writing session: Criminal Minds is / The best way to cure no vibes / Because now I vibe

is this not art.

Rating of writing session out of 10 and why: Like a 7, it wasn't very long, and I wasn't thinking all that deeply, lol.

On a scale from 1-10 my level of stoked-ness is: Also a 7

Lyrics to describe writing session: But it’s hard when I don't know what to do / I'm angry and I'm tired and confused / I've got so many thoughts stuck in my head / And none of them make much sense

--Forever Dumb, Surf Curse (Sad Boys EP)

Cannot even explain how me this is but also cannot explain my excitement for next week cuz ya girl sees these two dudes live next week.

GIF to describe writing session:

Saw this while scrolling down my Tumblr dashboard and saved it just for this update since this is actual footage of me writing tonight.

ALSO: HAPPY BIRTHDAY JULIAN CASABLANCAS. JULIAN CATSNBLANKETS. JULIAN CASABLACKPEPPERANDSALT.

oh my.

Excerpt:

“What if I’m lying about all of this, because it’s some sort of game in my head? Like my own real life chess match?”

someone needs to wait and tell this boy LIFE AIN’T CHESSSSSSSSS.

that was the only reason I shared that excerpt. good day.

should that sentence end with a period or a question mark now I'm doubting myself oh myyyy.

I also have news!

TODAY IS NOT ONLY JULIAN CASABLANCAS’ BIRTHDAY.

It’s also Foster’s birthday! WEE!

I mentioned in a writing update I *believe* that every single year since I’ve written the FOSTERED books, me and @sarahkelsiwrites​ go out of our way to celebrate dear Foster’s birthday. The only reason being the 23rd of August is usually a mundane day where I’m bored and have nothing to do, since Foster’s a bit of a geeky dudeface I don’t talk about much on here even though I always poke fun at him even tho he’s actually a great person but cinnamon rolls gotta attack cinnamon rolls cuz cinnamon roll I want a cinnamon roll.

So this year since I was sick, @sarahkelsiwrites​ made me the most AMAZING cake for the dude, and holy moly is it so good. I’m particular about my cakes, but this thing is so amazing. It’s also gorgeous.

So cuuuuuute. I’m amazed by how great this chocolate cake is honestly, it’s a new favourite recipe.

Since it’s his special day, I thought I’d do a quick questionnaire so you guys can get to know him a little better.

So this is Foster:

This is Foster’s lame aesthetic:

So now that we know all of this...

Nicknames and from who: Auggie (from Harrison), Prince Charming (from everyone in the entire world), Wary Sidekick (from Reeve hhhhhaaaaahhaa), The Other One (from Lonan mostly but also from everyone) and there are probably more I’m forgetting, this boy gets a lot of nicknames, especially from Harrison. OH real life nicknames (as in what people I actually know call him) Fosty from @sarahkelsiwrites, and Foss from @imdisappointed and I die lol

Favourite restaurant: Probably something fancy like Milestones HA canada

Favourite candy: Probably jelly beans or original skittles

Favourite type of cake: He’s lame and likes pie, but probably red velvet

Also how old is the dude now: 20 (ermagherd when he was only 16 children grow fast)

Favourite hobby: Probably doing something lame like reading science textbooks with at @imdisappointed​

Favourite colour: Blue (as seen in aesthetic)

Favourite cereal: Frosted flakes

Favourite breakfast food in general: Dino eggs (boi)

If he had a job in real life, what would it be: Either the dude that works the counter at a vegan café (with lots of quinoa), or a #freelance photographer who focuses on #lifestyle photos + #nature photos

Favourite thing to do: Say the cheesiest of cheesiness to Reeve who is like oh ma lord the cheese

Does he like The Strokes or does he not like The Strokes: Boy is such a Whitney type of dude, but I don't think he’d have much of an opinion on The Strokes. Lonan would blast The Strokes in the car if they were driving together, and he would just be like ok.

The cheesiest thing he has ever said anyone around him probs exploded because of a cringe attack: You’re everything in the world maximized by a million. or You’re the sunshine that I see first thing in the morning, and the last thing I think of at night. or you know what just everything he says oh myyyyy gahhhhhhhhd

His actual aesthetic: Going on a long morning hike just to watch the sunrise + there is fog and evergreen trees

If he was a gum flavour name: Pretentious Mint

Trying to be a sly ass mofo in book one but no:

“You were awake that entire time!” I scream at him, smacking his head. He winces, but I don’t feel an ounce of guilt for my action. “You – I was so worried and I –” “And you need me and you love me...” He cuts me off, his stupid smirk still on his face. “I thought you were still unconscious you idiot!” 

(I was 13 y’all shhhh)

Would he write books: Yes. One in the spinoff called My Best Friend Is Almost 30 And Doesn’t Leave Me Alone: A Memoir

What I (Rachel) wished for in his POV when I blew out his birthday candles today: Protect Reeve and live a healthy, prosperous life

The most pathetic thing he’s done: “Well, I thought, er, I, I brought this for you.” He says, holding a perfect red rose out to me. 

well er I er well

If he were a donut flavour: Boston cream

If he were a beverage: Fiji water

the aesthetic

this is a bottle of water

Alright so that’s enough about Foster. Hopefully you learned something about him since I don't talk about him ever on here... He’s sincerely one of my favourite characters, even though I always make fun of him. It’s okay. Everyone does it. Especially Harrison.

Cool. Hope you enjoyed this update. See you later dudes.

--Rachel

[patchworktail]

ITS 4:30 AM AND I DONT FEEL LIKE SLEEPING so I’m gonna do this meme that i got tagged for twiCE and totally forgot to do til now!!!! (i had 2 dig through your blogs to find them omg)

ANYWAY i was tagged by both @mooitstimdrake​ and @cynessie​ (I MISS U BOTH BTW ❤)

RULES: Share 11 facts about yourself, answer 11 questions provided by the tagger, tag 11 awesome people and leave 11 questions for them to answer!

(I’m gonna skip tagging people/asking 11 questions - 1) because I’m lazy 2) because a lot of people who I would tag either have already been tagged or woN’T DO IT and 3) I have to answer two sets of 11 questions anyway so I’ll let one of those sets take the place of my 11 questions!!)

11 Facts

I was supposed to leave to move into my college 3 days ago but since my college is in Savannah they pushed off move-in/orientation for a weEK BECAUSE OF HURRICANE IRMA AND I’M STILL UPSET/DISAPPOINTED

That being said I’m about to start as a college freshman at art school, planning on majoring in animation! :D

I binged all of Buzzfeed Unsolved in like 2 days and I fuckin LOVE IT

Also BNHA is like my current main obsession???? I fell in love w that anime and uhhhh I’d Die For My Kids

I almost never use skype anymore - I’m always on Discord now (mutuals may add me just message me if you want my tag :3c)

I loooove creating OCs and my main OC is a forest elf named Rally and he’s precious and I LOVE HIM AND COULD TALK ABOUT HIM FOR HOURS (also my best friend @/harpxer and I have a huge ongoing rp with him and her mountain elf oc, Kahl!! they’re really gay)

Hmmm fun fact I guess I’ve been involved with internet communities since I was 10 years old and I made my very first internet friend when I was 10 and we’re still great friends and talk p much every day to this day (hi @/fiishr)

I want a tattoo super bad but idk what I’d geT

I worked at a jewelry engraving stand at an amusement park this summer and one night I accidentally gave myself a 1st degree burn on my finger from the hot glue gun and it hurt So Bad

I had my graduation party this July and it was really fun but the best part was when 14 of us played this giant game of spoons and it got really intense, made worse by people randomly screaming during it, and then we collectively decided to blast hardcore rap music from the speakers and Let Me Tell You i have not been involved in a more stressful card game in my LIFE

I’ll always always always fall for the hero/happy character/protagonist basically....idk what it is about me but I’m so Predictable...I love cute optimistic brave characters who just wanna do Right.....I don’t cARE IF PEOPLE THINK THEY’RE BORING I THINK THEY’RE PERFECT AND AMAZIGN AND I LOVE THEM

AS FOR AN EXTRA 12TH FACT ABOUT ME AS U CAN SEE I WRITE WAY TOO MUCH AND ALSO I’M THE BIGGEST OVERSHARER E V E R IT’S SO BAD SOMEONE STOP ME

ANYWAY ONTO THE QUESTIONS :3c

@mooitstimdrake​‘s Questions:

If you were to make a new blog dedicated to one single thing (fandom, hobby/activity, etc) what would it be? Honestly, right at the moment probably BNHA!!!! it’s legit my most recent big obsession and I love it?? so much???

If you could have any kind of animal as a pet, what would you have? A RACCOON!!!!!!!!!!!!! I LOVE THEM SOSOSOSOSOS MUCH and some people actually do have them as pets! They can be difficult though but WORTH IT

Who was your favorite teacher and why were they your favorite? OH BOY......I’m gonna say it’s a tie between my AP studio art teacher and my AP US government teacher from this past year, my senior year! My AP art teacher because our class was super tiny, 12 kids, and it really felt like a family?? She was a-okay with letting us all goof around and say weird shit, she was really chill and funny and like. part teacher, part friend, which was always nice. As for my AP gov teacher, he was SO. FUCKING. FUNNY. OH MAN. NOT EVEN ON PURPOSE he just like? put up with SO MUCH? we had some real character kids in that class and my teacher’s reactions were HILARIOUS. he had a sarcastic streak too so his responses were equally as funny when someone did something weird. He would say the funniest stuff just ask @/harpxer I would tell her so many stories from that class sohboshrb. Aside from the humor that class was really interesting, and he’s a really good, invested teacher - he wanted us to learn, he’s super passionate about government and history, and he always started off each class with 2 current events which was really nice and helped me learn more about things happening in the world too!!! overall that was like my fav non-art class I’ve ever taken!!!!

What’s your guilty pleasure (and I’m challenging you not to say some kind of food)? HMMMMM. Honestly I’m gonna go ahead and say really cheesy or lame movies/shows (like, Disney channel movies, dumb shows - like the one summer I watched all of Glee LOL, stuff like that). Like yeah I know 90% of it is terRIBLE but it’s still amusing/lighthearted stuff that makes me happy KLSDJVLSDHB

Favorite pizza topping? EXTRA CHEESE IF THAT COUNTS, if not then pepperoni!!

What’s the last thing you bought (that wasn’t food)? I’ve actually been buying a lot the past few weeks in prep for college/spending a little money for ONCE since I worked all summer. I got a bunch of boring stuff but the things I’m most excited about are: two posters I got for my dorm (The Office is one and one is Lord Huron), a giant wall tapestry (it’s Up themed!!!), tWO BNHA/POKEMON CHARMS THAT CAME TODAY AND EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THEM I START CRYING BC THEYRE SO CUTE, and oh my GOD I BOUGHT THIS GIANT PILLOW FROM TARGET AND IT IS THE SINGLE SOFTEST THING I’VE EVER FELT AND IT’S HUGE AND IT IMMEDIATELY BECAME MY #1 COMFORT OBJECT AND TOP FIVE FAV THINGS IVE EVER BOUGHT!!!!!! I guess MOST recently though I just bought Clip Studio Paint online today (art program) since it’s on sale for 50% off and I’ve heard great things about it!

What upcoming movies/tv shows are you looking forward to? UHHHHH as for movies... justice league part 1, the incredibles 2, kingsman 2, the neW POKEMON MOVIE I CHOOSE YOU, probably a lot more I can’t remember rn. AS FOR SHOWS HMMM I’m...excited for the next season of the good place and izombie, and oh I’m excited for the punisher netflix show!! and the next season of voltron of COURSE!!! and next season of stranger things!! probably more I’m forgetting too tbh

Any recommendations (this could be anything just throw your best pitch at me)? JFISDJKLBJ I DON’T KNOW OMG tbh rachel you watch a lot of the same things I do already LMAOOO

What’s your favorite thing to wear that you own? OH FUCK I DUNNO HMMM I really like wearing my various leggings and scarves, but as like a Single Item....I like wearing....uhhhh I have this giANT sweater like it’s WAY too big for me but it’s so COMFY and I love it. I also love wearing my Star Labs sweatshirt bc it’s soft and comfortable

What was your first pet? my cat!!! we took her in as a stray kitten living in our backyard when I was like. 2 or 3 and so we’ve basically had her my whole life!!

If you could learn any language, what would it be? UHHHHHH honestly probably spanish - I took it 4 straight years and was okay at it in class but one year went by with me not taking it and I forgot everything LOOOL I’m...bad....at languages....

@cynessie‘s Questions:

Where is the coolest place you’ve ever been? I haven’t been many cool places :( I guess the coolest isssss I dunno it depends? Lake George is where I go on vacation every year, I LOVE NYC, I love Savannah too and it’s where I’m gonna be for college so?? ?? ?  ? I’VE NEVER BEEN OUT OF THE COUNTRY AND I’M SAD BUT I’M POOR AND CAN’T AFFORD IT

What was the first thing you remember wanting to be when you grew up? veterinarian!! 

Look to your right. What do you see? a dirty plate on my desk, my bed just past that, and my CHARMS THAT CAME TODAY THAT ARE SO CUTE I CRY EVERY TIME I SEE THEM

What are you procrastinating on? ajkldjboidj lik e 4 art commissions,,,, and 7 MAP parts,,,, and my pre-work for 2 of my classes,,,,,,,and cleaning my room,,,, and sending thank-you notes to relatives,,, SOMEONE KICK MY ASS AND MAKE ME DO SHIT

Which family member are you closest too and what is their name? UHHHH.... I guess my younger brother Luke? or maybe my mom? I’m not on bad terms with anyone though, I love both my older brothers too and we all have a good sibling relationship I just talk more with my younger bro I think - second closest would be with my second older brother Connor!

What’s the last song you listened to? I’m listening to Ultralife by Oh Wonder right now :3c I’ve been on a huUUGE Oh Wonder kick lately!!

What do you generally carry in your bag/pockets when you go out? my wallet (w my license and money and debit card and all), travel size lotion, phone, and chap stick!!

What is one thing you are excited for? FINALLY GETTING TO COLLEGE NEXT WEEK AND STARTING CLASSES FJIODFHINBDFHBNSBO

Do you believe in ghosts? I’m gonna hesitantly say YES but I’m not 100% convinced I don’t think

What is a skill you want to learn? MAYBE THIS IS WEIRD but I think learning how to act would be kinda neat. On a more realistic note I wish I could learn to exercise without dying

Tell me a joke. I’M BAD AT JOKES DON’T DO THIS TO ME NESSIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SO YEAH THAT’S ALL FOLKS it’s 5am now...Nice..... :’) I love my ability to stay up obscenely late while also getting Nothing Done JLSDNVDHAGHVDLAK

[rietveldbrothers]

tag game

thanks to @nina-waffles-eater for tagging me!

I’m tagging: nobody in particular cause im lazy but feel free to do this and say i tagged you

Last…

1. drink? water 2. phone call? my friend maggie 3. text message? "so i never thought about it until somebody made a joke about how bisexuals are excessive with finger guns, but listen... since i heard that i've noticed that i use finger guns ALL THE TIME” to a groupchat 4. song you listened to? despacito was what was playing when i got out of the car, the last song i like looked up to listen to was suit and jacket by judah and the lion 5. time you cried? last night, im a sap i cry at everything, fic, books, movies you name it i’ve cried at it

Have you ever…

6. dated someone twice? nope 7. kissed someone and regretted it? nope 8. been cheated on? nope 9. lost someone special? nope 10. been depressed? nope 11. gotten drunk and thrown up? thank god no

Favorite colors:

12. red 13. dark blue 14. green

In the last year, have you…

15. made new friends? oh yeah, i started college last fall so like, all my friends i made in the last year 16. fallen out of love? don’t think so 17. laughed until you cried? yes often 18. found out someone was talking about you? oh yeah 19. met someone who changed you? absolutely 20. found out who your friends are? yepp 21. kissed someone on your facebook list? 3 actually lol

General:

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know in real life? i’ve probably met all of them at least once 23. do you have any pets? my pupper 24. do you want to change your name? nope 25. what did you do for your last birthday? I was at the beach with my best friends, my birthday is in legit 9 days though, so it was last year. 26. what time did you wake up? today? 10am 27. what were you doing at midnight last night? pretty sure i was reading fic, might have still been watching soccer im not sure 28. name something you can’t wait for: TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL OMG SUMMER IS SO BORING 29. when was the last time you saw your mom? like, 5 minutes ago 30. what are you listening to right now? the fan in my room?? nothing?? 31. have you ever talked to a person named Tom? yep 32. something that is getting on your nerves? the fact that Tom Brady inexplicably hates strawberries???? why???? 33. most visited website? yikes no clue 34. hair color? like, light brown/dark blonde depending on who you ask 35. long or short hair? in the middle 36. do you have a crush on someone? no 37. what do you like about yourself? i like a lot of things about myself, i’ve got cool eyes, and my hair is bomb, and im funny 38. piercings: two in each ear lobe and i have my cartilage pierced on the right side 39. blood type: i should prob know this, but i don’t 40. nickname: kat 41. relationship status: single 42. zodiac: leo 43. pronouns: she/her 44. favorite tv show: hard one.... game of thrones is up there at the moment 45. tattoos: not yet 46. right or left handed: right 47. surgery: wisdom teeth

48. sport: soccer

49. vacation: uhg anywhere not here

50. pair of trainers: sneakers??? I’ve got many pairs, all nike

More General:

51. eating: cheese and crackers currently 52. drinking: water 53. im about to: do my makeup again 54. waiting for?: school to start again, my birthday next week, these earrings i ordered 55. want?: to procrastinate less? to get a better job? 56. get married?: someday 57. career?: idk what im actually gonna do, but my major is Biological Anthropology

Which is Better

58. hugs or kisses?: hugs 59. lips or eyes?: eyes 60. shorter or taller?: taller 61. older or younger?: everyone i’ve ever dated has been younger than me but i’m not really particular 62. nice arms or nice stomach?: arms 63. hook up or relationship?: depends on the mood. I’m a relationship kinda girl, but i’m not opposed to hooking up 64. troublemaker or hesitant?: neither? i dont actively make trouble but I wouldn’t describe myself as hesitant

Have You Ever

65. kissed a stranger: yep... well like i knew his first name but nothing else i think that counts 66. drank hard liquor: yeah 67. lost glasses/contact lenses: oh yeah 68. turned someone down: yep 69. had sex on the first date: no 70. broken someones heart: not that i’m aware of 71. had your heart broken: no 72. been arrested: uh, no 73. cried when someone died: yeah 74. fallen for a friend: i’ve crushed on a friend but not like, fallen fallen

Do You Believe In:

75. yourself? most of the time 76. miracles? ehhh not really? maybe? Idk 77. love at first sight? no 78. santa claus? no 79. kiss on the first date? yeah, i mean, i’ve done it so yeah 80. angels? idk, prob not

Other

81. current best friend’s name? i have like multiple best friends, Ally, Maggie, Rachel, Isaac are prob the top 4 82. eye color: green 83. favorite movie: ??? lol i could never pick one, I did just see spiderman homecoming tho and i LOVED it

[mygodthefeels]

i said i would wait for today’s episode to see how i feel about all this and well i did

i’m fine really but i think it’s better for me right now to take a little break. not from emmerdale because i just can’t seem to stop caring and i’m in way too deep to just stop watching but from tumblr. it just makes me sad seeing everyone sad tbh.

it’s all really negative right now and i totally understand why. everyone has the right to be sad/angry/betrayed/disappointed about all this and trust me i’m right there with you. 

but right now i just feel that’s better for me to stay away for a little while and just think for myself because sometimes i feel like i don’t even have time to think about everything that’s going on without reading like 7 different povs (which is what tumblr is all about and i love it most of the times but right now it’s kind of messing with my head).

i’m pretty okay though which is kind of surprising me a little tbh. i mean i’m still disappointed but it makes me more anxious to be on tumblr than to watch the episodes.

i love this fandom. i’ve never felt more welcome in anything in my life tbh. i’m still pretty new here and everyone has been so welcoming and lovely and just amazing. and it’s actually seeing people so sad that’s making me sad. this was is my little happy place and i try to keep it as positive as i can. but right now it’s a little hard. so that’s why i’m giving myself a little breathing room and just stepping away for a little bit.

i will probably still check in every now and then (since i procrastinate way too much) but the truth is i really do have a lot of uni work to get through until the end of the month and well i will just focus on that instead and probably annoy my sister with all my feels and frustrations (poor thing she doesn’t know about my plan yet lol)

a little positive thing that’s happening right now in my life and i just want to share since i’m really excited and proud to be a part of (i’m majoring in computer science btw just some context here lol): you know how in computer science there isn’t, sadly, a lot of girls coding and all that? well this semester i actually have to come up with an activity to get more girls into coding and computer science and my little feminist heart is loving this idea (i’m still not sure how to do it but there are some badass girls that code and did you know that the first person to ever code was ada lovelace? how awesome!). so i’m just going to think about the positive stuff that’s happening and yeah (2015 me would be proud tbh)

tl;dr i’m fine but i’m just taking a break from tumblr because i want to keep being positive (about everything in my life really) but i will be back soon i bet. oh and more girls in computer science makes my heart happy

this is way too long already and all over the place. so yeah that’s all i wanted to say. stay lovely <333

[emanresusi-blog]

Musings of schizotypals Pt. 1

L.G. - I have a sucky sensation inside. Now that I might break up (for my own mental health) with my boyfriend, I have a sucky realization. I have no friends. I have pushed people for years, stablished unhealthy relationships for years. Now everyone is gone, and I cannot retake relationships that I pushed away years ago. I feel lonely. C.B. - Maybe my impulses to criticize others are a way to avoid criticizing myself. I find myself wanting to tell people that no one cares about their stupid lives but now I realize that's just one of the negative things I used to tell myself. I stopped the stream of negative thoughts about myself. But the thoughts are still there, just waiting to be applied to something. I need to channel this inner critic into something more productive. I know it is a facet of who I am, just one that I misuse a lot. It must be able to do some good somewhere. Constructive criticism about myself and my behavior perhaps. I should meditate on this. I'm feeling good but strangely devoid of emotion simultaneously. Like, my outlook on life is a generally optimistic one at the moment even though I'm not specifically happy about anything. I told my friend that I felt like something more was developing in my mind towards her and she wasn't scared off, so maybe that's why I feel optimistic. At the same time, I feel oddly suspicious and paranoid about her as well. Suspicious of her motives in continuing to talk to me after I told her how I felt, and paranoid for her safety at times (she's blind and also the tiniest little bit naïve, in my opinion). Extending my locus of emotional openness doesn't come easily to me. I really bond with other people to the point that I feel a bit like I'm losing myself. I don't like that feeling, but I love bonding with individuals at the same time. I suppose I'm just a bundle of contradictory neurons wrapped in a skull lol A.C. - So I'm sat in my porch locked out bags packed after another of my alcohol induced binge dissapearing acts I know "only Self to blame" I was only out drinking and chatting nothing bad, but I guess I am selfish, selfishly anaware and selfishly inconsiderate with what I don't think through or when I act rash. Slowly I've become more of a loner and made a habit of losing things family, friends umm jobs, it doesn't feel normal or nice that I might just be a procrastinative, selfish/absorbed individual who can't really get any sort of balance in personal life. I care about making amends and living a normal family life it's just... I don't know. Everyone blames me and punishes me, I don't want a scapegoat for my mistakes but it's very confusing I think if I didn't do what I did I'd damage my self by suppressing it all inside would be worse that's not a justification just a thought. Maybe leading a stable life, to work full time, three kids and relationship is too much. S.C - I suffer from depression and anxiety...I feel sometimes that im different of others because i think i have a few particularities(including that i have only two friends).I often try to explain to some that i can catch thoughts & feelings from people that i know...In fact,from complete stangers too ...I just thought if someone here could uderstand me? And I would like to add that is it okay not to fear of losing my few friends?I am 14 and feel like a misfit..I can't recognize what i am and don't remember who i used to be. R.R. - I have a weird feeling that I'm gonna die soon. Lol. Awkward. 2 near death experiences for me and 1 for my mom. Meh. Now I'm walking around every day with intense anxiety, waiting for an accident to happen. 😢 C.S. - I'm not doing well. I'm emotional... I cried for like half an hour today and I usually don't cry. But I've been sick over something I can't talk about. Very paranoid and scared. Such ugly ruminating thoughts. Barely slept last night and I have such a headache but my mind won't shut off. For the first time in years I feel like punching myself in the head. I've been taking my pills regularly. I see the shrink on Thursday. Which means I have to get through two days of work... I've been mildly sick with a cold for the last week. Oh help! I just want to feel better. A.M. - Today I keep seeing characters from TV shows as people in public spaces (anyone else experienced this?) and there was a shadow man in my lounge. It's odd and not making me paranoid which is also odd. Usually when freaky brain shit happens paranoia activates. Side note; Who the hell puts dried apricot in a hot cross bun!? C.B. - Sometimes I have this urge to be rude to people I don't like. Or that I decide are, as narcissistic as this sounds, beneath me morally or intellectually. It makes me very nervous to confront people but sometimes I do it out of impulse. Like I have this parallel line of thinking that just criticizes the hell out of everything I see. I let it build up and then let it out when I reach a certain level of resentment at the world. Afterwords I feel no better. But it's like I have this good side and this bad side to me. The bad side is the worst me I can imagine: lazy, thoughtless, critical, apathetic, and cruel. The good side is the best me I can imagine: empathetic, supportive, passive, thoughtful. I realize that I internalize these values from my primary caregivers growing up, my mother and first stepfather. I can't see the value in my stepfather very well. Jung had this idea of the Anima and the Animus. One male and the other female. I've always identified my values with the feminine due to the fact that the only support I ever got growing up was from women. I never understood men. I never understood women either for that matter. But they were the people I tried to emulate growing up. I couldn't stand the thought of being like my stepfather or boys my age until I became a teenager. Then I copied my stepfather and began to hate a lot. To be cruel a lot. Because that's all I saw in him. These impulses must be that old behavior rearing it's head. I've always wanted to be my own person but I've never quite known how. L. G. - Okay so I am going to lay one of my biggest problems right now and see if you can help me even if it's just a Little bit because I have no clue :( I finished university last year. Everything fine. My father came to my room and asked me, "what do you want to do next year? you have to think it NOW" and clearly wanted me, pushed me to do oposiciones (this is how we call the process of studying to get a job in the public system). I did the course for oposiciones. I HATED IT. God damn how boring, bland, deadly! I cannot even study for it or understand what they do. But my parents are 100% into it and they don't even contemplate me leaving them. I have to act like I study on days like those because they are so into this, specially my father, who sees working in the public system as my only chance in life because I am schizotypal. You can ask me questions, I will answer if it hasn't been understood. Thanks for the help :) L.G. - This is a bit of a hard to ask question but I will ask anyway...do you have problems maintaining your personal care, etc...? Sometimes I do and my family makes shame of me :( although i think really I'm not that much of a disaster. I mean, now I take care of myself, it's not like when I was really bad where I wouldn't take proper care of myself. L. G. - Do you ever feel like you've got too much contained in your chest and feel like telling anyone about it? Like you had an urge to tell what's ailing you? I've got Friends to talk with but I have too much in my chest and everyone looks like a friend to me now... S.S. - Two things I learnt about myself recently 1 - I will never be able to do a 9-5 job. Because I am too impatient and get angry when someone tells me what to do. Also overthink everything and get bored with routine. The only thing I can do is my own boss and work from home alone.I need to be in control. 2 - I can't ever picture myself in a relationship. I recently met a woman a bit older than myself but we share lots of interests and get on well. But I'm beginning to feel smothered and under pressure to behave a certain way. I just want to be a free individual with no responsibilities. I wasn't born to be a pack animal, but to give others as much freedom as possible and for them to not bug me in return. C.B. - Anyone else feel really anxious when they talk to other people about personal issues? It makes therapy very difficult for me. I'm too nervous around my therapist to open up to him, to really talk about the issues I have. I always just spend the time in my "therapy mode" (where I act pleasant and nice and talk about minor issues to avoid the larger ones). I don't feel like anybody can really help me with some things, and that I would just be making whoever I was talking to feel bad. I want to be able to talk about my motivations, my relationships, my feelings but they make me feel pathetic. Sometimes I feel like less than a person, like I'm really just wearing a mask when I behave as a normal human does. Trouble is I don't know for sure who or what is under that mask. D.S. - Had an irrational mental breakdown in public again one of those crying and screaming in equal parts of anger, frustration and sadness... why am I so easily overwhelmed sometimes.. plus I look kinda scary afterwards.. the neighbors already peg me for weird as it is... all emotionally shutdown and stuff only secs later.. I dont know its always like that.. overemotional first and a few seconds later back to the void.. im done. Im turning 23 tomorrow and I just wish I could skip to my funeral instead.. yeah.. one of those days.. A.M. - Does anybody else wander through life aimlessly? Never really finishing things they embark on, barely following their interests and feeling as though they're waiting for something to shake enough life into them to align them with the dimension that is reality... Being a drifting alien is really getting to me lately, I didn't realise how meaningless I find everything or how far I have drifted from society. I am not referring to deppression btw. P.A. - There’s something that’s killing me inside and I would really appreciate getting it out in a post. I really hope I don’t sound like a total bitch. It’s to do with abandonment, which I hope some people here will understand. I feel so abandoned by my counsellor. It’s the closest relationship I have. I sent her a text a few weeks ago saying I was sad and I never heard back. It has been my psych ward “anniversary” and I thought she’d message me to ask how I am but no nothing. Now she’s just become a grandmother... I know because I’m friends with her son. They are all super excited and spending lots of time together. He is sending me photos of the new baby but it’s just making me even more upset. Why can’t I just be happy for them? I feel so bad and self-centred for feeling this way. I know this little girl will be spoilt rotten with love and I’m jealous, there’s no other word for it. I suspect this is triggering an ancient wound in me, a hole that I’ve never managed to fill. My friend wants to see me tonight but I’m just too upset to see him and I can’t explain to him why *hides under table* C.B. - Sometimes I feel like I am more comfortable being depressed than I am being happy. Being sad feels, I don't know, solid, constant, whereas happiness is a fleeting and ephemeral feeling. Because of this, I got used to lying to myself to make myself more depressed. Don't know if that makes any sense, but I used to love laying in bed and thinking terrible things about myself until I cried my eyes out. I guess I craved that sense of catharsis. These days, I realize that this isn't a healthy way of coping, but I still crave the cathartic feeling I used to get by working myself into a terrible place. I think maybe I crave intense release of emotion because I have a hard time letting go of emotions in the moment and I kind of bottle them up. I still crave that. It's odd, I suppose I'm working to integrate the disparate parts of my personality into a functioning whole. It's like the emotional part of me exists kind of parallel to the rest, separate but connected in form if not function. A.C. - I guess if you can't do anything consistently but your capable of being extremely creative which many are here. Your purpose in life is to create a masterpiece not stand in line and fit the system. S.S. - Got told I'm too much of a negative person earlier and that I should keep all my thoughts secret. But the truth is I only say about 10% of what's actually on my mind. I'm too truthful about my flaws. The last thing I wanna be is a fake who brags. I can't help who I am.