#oh i am in TROUBLE

[kithtaehyung]

oh…………… oh no.

[cannibalninjaz]

when he agrees to take you on a motorbike ride to the harbor to look at the full moon 🥺💕

[lucradiss]

Thinking about how Aziraphale invented lying.

Because Crowley did not lie when he tempted Eve— he told her exactly what would happen, if she took a bite of the fruit of knowledge. She would know the difference between good and evil. He did not lie about that.

But Aziraphale gave away the sword appointed to him by God Herself, and then spun the very first lie to protect himself from her wrath.

Regardless of whether it was a small lie, it was a lie all the same, and a lie directly to God. He, an angel, told the very first lie, thereby inventing the act of lying.

Wouldn’t it be funny if I did the good thing and you did the bad one?

[zondearts]

The niigo batch for the prsk wof au

[hinata-boke]

the greatest decoy

[sombredancer]

Asian dramas and relationship dynamics

There are my favorite relationship dynamics as a list. Opposites attract + power couple

Drama: I Am Nobody /  异人之下 Characters: Zhuge Qing & Wang Ye Screentime: Minor I like it when characters are different in a way they could complement one another, but at the same time they are similar in terms of what is important for people to stay stuck together. Zhuge Qing is public, easy-going and wants to be friends with Wang Ye. Wang Ye is mysterious, reflexive and doesn't want to be bothered by other people. But no one can beat extrovert if he decided to be friends with you =) Plus, they are united by their superpowers: they are both powerful sorcerers and their sorcery is very similar in its nature. So they can compete and learn from each other and, if necessary, kick enemy's ass together. ̶A̶n̶d̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶i̶r̶ ̶d̶y̶n̶a̶m̶i̶c̶s̶ ̶h̶a̶s̶ ̶g̶o̶t̶ ̶t̶h̶i̶c̶k̶ ̶B̶L̶ ̶v̶i̶b̶e̶s.̶ By the end of season 1 they are OK and together.

Drama: Mysterious Lotus Casebook / 莲花楼 Characters: Di Feisheng & Li Lianhua Screentime: Secondary Di Feisheng is a leader of a demonic sect, a former slave and a very straightforward man. Li Lianhua is a former leader of a righteous sect and an extremely sly man with not-so-bad background. But both of them are the best martial artists in Jianghu and went through a lot together. One wants everyone to leave him alone, another wants to be with him together forever. Both of them don't give a damn about everything that happens in the world but they care for each other. B̶L̶-̶v̶i̶b̶e̶s̶ ̶a̶r̶e̶ ̶a̶t̶t̶a̶c̶h̶e̶d̶.̶ The ending of the drama is obscure but I'd like to think they both are alive and happy together.

Drama: The Blood of Youth / 少年歌行 Characters: Xiao Se & Ye Anshi Screentime: Secondary A leader of a demonic sect who has an ultimate martial knowledge and a former best righteous martial artist, who is suffering from decease and can't fight anymore. What can unite them? The answer is: the similar mindset. They both had a great power and lost it, they both are shouldering great responsibilities which don't make them happy. Despite the fact that they should be on the opposite sides in Jianghu world, they are still good friends. M̶a̶y̶b̶e̶ ̶B̶L̶-̶f̶r̶i̶e̶n̶d̶s̶,̶ ̶a̶l̶t̶h̶o̶u̶g̶h̶ ̶X̶i̶a̶o̶ ̶S̶e̶ ̶h̶a̶s̶ ̶a̶ ̶g̶i̶r̶l̶f̶r̶i̶e̶n̶d̶.̶ There is a small extra ep at the end of drama, when they meet each other again in a very romantic way. Just search for it.

Drama: The Legends / 招摇 Characters: Lu Shiqi & Qin Qianxian Screentime: Minor She is from a demonic sect. He is from a righteous one. She is immune to the impact of spiritual power. He is the one of the most powerful people in terms of spiritual power. She is dumb, straightforward and pure-hearted. He is blissed yet sensible and burdened with difficult moral choices. They could be an ideal Yin-Yang couple. But they have BE, because it's "The Legends", everyone should die in here Т_Т.

Pride and Prejudice + power couple

Drama: The Yin-Yang Master: Dream of Eternity / 晴雅集 Characters: Bo Ya & Qing Ming Screentime: Main This dynanics is similar with the previous one, but here we are focused on how they ended up together. Bo Ya has prejudice against demons-yao and believes all of them should be executed. He meets half-demon-sorcerer Qing Ming who helps him to overcome his prejudice. Finally, they become friends (or̶ ̶m̶a̶y̶b̶e̶ ̶n̶o̶t̶ ̶o̶n̶l̶y̶ ̶f̶r̶i̶e̶n̶d̶s̶) and together they win over the evil forces. At the end they are separated but there is a hope they meet again.

Drama: Wuliang / 无量 Characters: Po Xiao & Feng Ren Screentime: Main People of different social status both seek to get a magical sutra. During a road trip they exchange opinions on the sutra and how to use it and change each other's mind. In the end it turns out that they together saved the world and can be finally together. As friends, of course.

Drama: Oh No! Here Comes Trouble / 不良執念清除師 Characters: Pu Yiyong & Cao Guangyan Screentime: Main Pu Yiyong looks like lowlife, studies very bad and hates Cao Guangyan, who is self-confident, smart and thinks low of Pu Yiyong. But a mysterious case with ghosts forces them to interact and they find out, that together they are a perfect team. Honestly speaking, this little series couldn't develop this topic as good as I hoped, but it's a really interesting story, so you can watch it for the ghost detective plot and get this type of relationship in addition. It's a Taiwanese drama, so BL-jokes and dalliance with a viewer were huge, but it didn`t help much. Still a nice dynamics and a good drama. Us vs the World

Drama: The Untamed / 陈情令 Characters: Wei Wuxian & Lan Wangji Screentime: Main I don`t like the novel, but I like drama exactly because here I can see this dynamics. In the past life of Wei Wuxiang Lan Wangji was not strong enough to go against the whole world to protect his friend (well, in the novel they are lovers, but it kills the main idea of this dynamics by turning it into "I do it all just to get into your bed", which is meh), and his friend died. Suddenly, 16 years later, he gets a chance to choose once more: to be a part of society and watch once more his friend dying or to be with him against everyone this time. The moment he chooses to be with Wei Wuxian against the whole world I felt cathartic pleasure. The drama ends up on a little bit obscure but positive note.

Drama: Word of Honor / 山河令 Characters: Zhou Zishu & Wen Kexing Screentime: Main A former king's assassin who is at the brink of death and just wants to live the time left in silence and a birdy master of the most skillful criminals find each other, find out that they are brothers-in-teachings and decide to fight against the world together just to live in silence and enjoy each other's company. When one thinks it's his last second of life, the other comes to help him even if they both can't beat the greater number of enemies and will die for sure. Catharsis! The drama has a small extra ep where they are together and all right.

Drama: The Legends / 招摇 Characters: Li Chenlan & Lu Zhaoyao Screentime: Main Them, again! The first half of the drama they have enemies-to-lovers dynamics, but then, when they find out the truth about Zhao Yao's death and about feelings for each other, they turn into Bonny and Clyde and go annihilate the righteous guys who are in fact not-so-righteous. And it makes me feel cathartic, too. A very catharsis-causing dynamics, indeed! It's little obscure, but they will be fine at the end of the drama.

Drama: Dong Lan Xue / 东栏雪 Characters: Shen Yan & Chu Ningyuan Screentime: Main Two bad guys work together to get power in the palace. And get involved in romantic relationship during their power gaining. Nice story with an open ending.

Drama: Derailment /脱轨 Characters: Qi Lian & Jiang Xiaoyuan Screentime: Main It's a little story inside a big one about transmigrators that you can read in another of my posts. It lasts something like 1,5 eps of the drama but is a nice story itself. A lonely bellicose boy from a rich family runs away from home where no one cares for him and lives on the street. A lonely girl from an extremely poor family and being bullied by classmates tries to survive in this world. They meet each other and understand that it's easier to fight their fate together. Nice story, it's a pity that this one is too short and not a main plot of the drama.

The next post will be about Asian dramas and familial dynamics.

[lost-in-fandoms]

Just Maxiel being boyfriends and having a date night.

cw: tiniest hint of implied sexual content

The first thing that Daniel notices when he comes inside the door is that the house smells different. It's not that their house smells bad usually (thanks cleaners for that, to be quite honest!), but it doesn't usually smell like candles and flowers. For a second, he wonders if somehow he managed to walk into the wrong door, but no, Max's shoes are in their usual place, and his wallet and keys are on the table beside the entrance, so that must not be it.

The mystery is quickly solved when Daniel gets out of the hallway and finds a bouquet of flowers on the kitchen island, a candle burning lowly beside it.

Maybe Max has been kidnapped while Daniel was away, or he's been replaced by an alien clone. Sure, Max has bought him flowers a couple of times, but candles?? Or maybe Daniel is in an alternate reality where Max cares about things like throw blankets and motivational quotes in frames.

"Oh! You're home early!"

Daniel turns around, finding his boyfriend standing in front of him, a small frown on his face. Or at least, what is pretending to be his boyfriend, because why would Max be wearing a shirt and nice pants at home? He looks gorgeous, his shoulders looking even wider and his thighs looking delicious, but Max despises wearing nice things at home.

Maybe Daniel forgot something. Are they supposed to be going somewhere?

"Baby?" he asks, but doesn't manage to get any more words out before Max is coming closer, kissing him hello. And sure, okay, Daniel can go with that plan. Except Max steps back way too quickly, not even letting Daniel get a little bit of tongue involved (which, rude!), to grab Daniel's bag and walk towards their bedroom, leaving a befuddled Daniel behind.

"Would you like to take a bath?"

Yep, alternate reality it is. Max doesn't like baths. He only allows them after particularly intense sex, or when one of them is really sore from a race or a crash. He dislikes (verbatim) "laying in his own dirt water", but now he's offering one?

"Together?" Daniel asks, just to clarify, finally unsticking himself from his spot and following his boyfriend to the bedroom, where he's already started to unpack Daniel's bag. Weird getting weirder. Max hates unpacking, would gladly leave his bags to rot if he didn't need to do laundry between race weekends. What is happening here?

Max immediately blushes, shaking his head a little. His hair is soft and unstyled, despite his nice clothes, and Daniel wishes he could just run his hand in it. This whole thing is throwing him off his "I missed my boyfriend and need to touch him as much as possible" routine.

"No, I thought, you? You can relax, after the flight and the drive."

That does sound nice, even if not as nice as having Max sitting naked behind him in the water, and for the moment Daniel decides to postpone figuring out who kidnapped and replaced his boyfriend, in favor of going along with this plan. Max insists on drawing him the bath, but once Daniel is in the bubbly water, he leaves the bathroom with nothing more than an enjoy!. Not even giving Daniel the chance to steal a kiss. Rude.

Despite everything, the bath is good. It doesn't matter for how many years he's been flying around the world, or how much more comfortable his flights have become, they always leave him with a leftover off feeling, and it's nice to wash it away, letting the warm water relax his muscles.

He takes his time, washing and styling his curls, because why not?, and when he finally steps outside the steamy bathroom he finds that Max has left out some clothes for him. Daniel had chosen some already, a hoodie and a pair of shorts, and Max hasn't put them away, so obviously the others are more a suggestion than a request, but Daniel is properly intrigued now. Max chose a green patterned shirt that Daniel loves, and a pair of pants that go suspiciously well with it to be something Max picked out all by himself.

Usually, they both prefer to be comfortable at home, changing immediately when they come back, Max going as far as starting to strip while he's still walking towards the bedroom, but Daniel is curious, so he puts the clothes on. It's clear that Max (real or alien that he is) has a plan, and Daniel has long learned to trust them because even in the occasions they don't work out, they still result in a good time.

He follows the smell of food out of the bedroom and finds Max in the kitchen. One of Daniel's own playlists is playing softly, and Max is at the stove, carefully stirring a pot, while muttering something in Dutch. Jimmy is next to his feet, probably waiting to trip him up, while Sassy is sitting on top of the fridge, asleep, and Daniel's heart is suddenly so full, he's afraid he'll do something silly like start crying. That's his family, in their house, cooking...

Wait, cooking?

Daniel blinks. Yep, that is definitely what is happening. Max is cooking. And he set the table. There is a different bouquet on the table, a smaller one with only red roses, near the fancy glasses Sophie had bought for them, and an unopened bottle of Daniel's favorite red wine. On a plate there is what looks like warm fresh bread, and Max is stirring a pot that smells like bolognese sauce, while some pasta is cooking in another.

This must be an alternate reality.

He's still trying to make some sense of it, when Max finally turns, still talking to the cats, and notices him, startling.

"You were quick!" he says, blushing for some reason Daniel doesn't even want to try and understand in the middle of all this, and all Daniel's brain can helplessly do in these trying times is resort to jokes.

"Careful, baby, if you keep bringing up how early I am, I'll have to start thinking you're not happy in the bedroom!"

It works, because Max snorts and rolls his eyes, abandoning the spoon to step closer to Daniel, finally tugging him closer for a decent kiss.

"I will show you how happy I am in the bedroom later" he promises, lips brushing against Daniel's, and Daniel is suddenly reminded of the fact that he hasn't seen his boyfriend naked for five days. Outrageous.

Before he can say anything though, Max pinches his side, stepping back with a frown.

"No, I said later!" he says, like he can read his mind or something. Maybe Daniel really should look into alien-replacing-boyfriends theories. As it is, all he can do is pout, which is useless, because Max is turning around again, reaching for the bigger of the two bouquets, the one Daniel had first seen, and offering it to Daniel with a shy smile.

"For you."

It's pretty, a mix of roses and three other flowers Daniel is not even going to attempt to guess the names of, and Daniel feels himself blush despite everything. He likes getting flowers and feeling special from time to time. Sue him.

"Thank you, baby" he says, smiling brightly while lightly touching one of the petals.

Max seems pleased by his reaction, leaning forward to kiss him again, but getting no further than a peck when an alarm goes off, making them both jump.

"The pasta!" Max exclaims, rushing back to the stove and talking to Daniel from over his shoulder. "Go sit down? And open the wine."

Daniel gives one last sniff to the flowers before putting them back down and going to sit. Max has chosen their fancier tablecloth too, something Daniel is pretty sure they had never used except when they had family over, and now he's worrying again about having forgotten something.

"Maxy, is it our anniversary or something? Is it my birthday?" he asks, working on getting the wine open without getting any on the tablecloth.

"What? No!" Max appears next to him, carrying two plates full of pasta, frowning at him in confusion.

"It's just..." Daniel gestures vaguely at the table, trying to find a word that won't make it seem like he's not happy with what is happening. "Unusual?"

Max still blushes, looking down at his own hands.

"It's just dinner, Daniel," he says. It doesn't look like just dinner, but it smells like dinner and Daniel is hungry, and he's sure that whatever is going on in Max's mind it will come out sooner or later, so he decides to let it go.

"Looks amazing, baby," he compliments, grabbing his fork, and enjoying the way Max's cheeks get even redder. He's pretty sure they would feel warm if he touched them right now.

Max waits for him to take the first bite, and Daniel would make a poisoning joke if it...

"Baby..." he pauses, feeling himself get embarrassingly choked up.

"I asked Grace for help," Max confirms shyly, not looking at Daniel in the eyes.

It tastes like home. It tastes like getting home from school to tell his mom about his day, like coming back after months of phone calls, like sitting down surrounded by his family.

"Is it okay?" Max asks, as if Daniel isn't on the verge of having a full breakdown on the spot because of his boyfriend asking his mom for help with making him food that tastes like love.

"It's perfect," is all he manages to get out, taking another bite to cover his reaction up. When he looks at Max again, he finds him staring at him, soft and lovely, blue eyes shining, and he can't help leaning forward to grab his hand and drag him closer for a kiss.

For his own sanity, Daniel brings the conversation back to safer grounds, telling Max about his flight and asking him about the days they had spent apart. There's not much to tell, since they had spent the whole time texting and every night calling, but it's nice, to just talk to him. To have this time together.

After the pasta, Max brings out some fruit, apologizing for the lack of dessert, but telling him that it would have been too far outside their diet plans with the bread, the pasta and the wine, but Daniel just shakes his head, accepting a slice of orange with a smile.

"So," he asks while he helps Max with tidying up, despite his protests, "I loved this, but what was it all about?"

He keeps watching as Max hesitates, taking his time loading the dishwasher, so he clocks in the moment when he decides to explain. Alien or not, he still knows Max.

"I was out playing with Charles, George and Alex, the other day," he finally says, closing the dishwasher and turning around. Daniel nods, thinking about the picture of a sweaty Alex laying on the padel court Max had sent three days ago. "Charles was talking about the last date he went on, and I realized that I couldn't remember ours."

Daniel blinks at him. He thinks back to it, but even if they live together and they spend as much time doing things together as possible, he can't remember a date date either. They're usually so happy to just be back home, they prefer to spend time on the couch with the cats or having sex, which is still nice and lovely, but not exactly a date.

"I thought that, you know, it is hard, of course, to go on dates outside for us," Max keeps on explaining, "but that didn't mean we couldn't have something nice."

So he bought Daniel flowers, drew him a bath, asked his mom for help with dinner. Oh, he loves this man so much.

He reaches forward, grabbing Max's waist and dragging him into a hug, before kissing him. This time, Max doesn't pull away until they're both panting for air.

"Thank you, baby, it was perfect" Daniel says, kissing Max's red cheek. "Do you have anything else planned?"

Max shakes his head. His eyes are blue blue blue and Daniel wants to love him forever.

"Then," he presses another kiss to Max's face, moving down towards his neck, "let me give you a treat, now."

He bites down, and Max moans, going pliant in Daniel's arms as usual.

"And the next date is on me."

[ratatatastic]

"Did you get in trouble for taking the cup into the ocean?" "Yes. Yes." "Did Rodrigues? He took it in there too!" "Did he?" "Yeah!" "Well, I mean, I brought it under the water—looking back..." "What happened?" "You bring silver into the ocean, saltwater—no!" "Oh, I didn't know that." "I haven't slept! How am I supposed to know? Nobody told me the rules!" "You haven't slept!" "Yeah, but you're naughty—" "But hey! If I would've known about it... oh no, I still probably would've done it. Still probably would've done it!" "Dude, who cares! That thing has been abused all through the years!" "No, no! The cup guys understood, the cup keepers understood—they, you know, told me the rules after and I swear to God I didn't know before but, yeah. Great memories! Great pictures!

Cam & Strick Podcast | 8.27.24 (x)

oceangate evolves further the more we talk about it so if youd like to see the other previous developments in concerns to it...

and also because its funny here are some of the times the cup has been held near or above water both salt, fresh and chlorine alike since oceangate in no particular order

and i just think its very clear when oceangate happened because now everyones holding the cup high above the water/near bodies of water and not letting it get dunked

but pre-oceangate the cup was just dunked in maffhews pool hours after they won it (which was before they went to las olas and welp the rest is history)

[thereareeyesinsidethetrees]

stan: how can you be polyamorous and aroace, or…whatever mabel called it?

ford: in my case, i have my family and i have my platonic polycule. i would prefer to never have to interact with anyone outside these two groups

stan: what about soos and wendy? they’re not in either of those groups

ford: first of all, i am soos’ uncle, second of all, are you saying you don’t believe i would both die and kill for wendy?

stan: you’ve got a weird way of defining family, six

ford: it’s my favorite way

[expectiations]

Thinking of how "left me like a book on a shelf" is from River's POV and therefore does not mean it is the entirety of the story much like how "the Doctor does not and has never loved me" was uttered from a River who was grieving.

Like the Doctor could have spent a long time putting the TARDIS in stationary orbit around the Library. The Doctor could have puttered about with the Library from years before it was shut down to ensure that everything would go smoothly while doing his best not to change a single thing. And on days when it is too hard, he just stares at the Library from his perch on the TARDIS door. Waiting, hoping, thinking. Trying to find a way out for her. For them.

And he does!

He finds a hundred ways to get her out of the data core. But...something always goes wrong. It's somehow never good enough. She's back, but she's not entirely there.

So he scratches it out, slaps himself, and tries again.

And again.

And again.

But his plans always fail.

But they don't. Not really. His plans could work. Could have worked. His beloved Sexy would help him. She'd always help him when it comes to her Water. But he was too scared. Too frightened of failure. Because one single mistake. One. Single. Mistake. And she's gone. He can never get her back. Forever.

So he runs. And runs. And runs. Until centuries has gone by and companion come and gone. Until he met a younger, more alive version of her. And then they had Darillium. And oh the joys of wonderful joys, what a night that was.

But things end. Even for him. They had to part ways again. Had to say goodbye. So he tries again. Picks up what his previous self had shelved. He tries. Oh how he tries.

But still. That fear exists. Is it worth it? Can he finally accomplish what he'd started a literal lifetime ago?

(He doesn't.)

Off on another lifetime with a new body. He's a...she now? Oh and shorter! Wow. That's new! I wonder what Ri–

On the rare moments she allows herself to succumb to sleep she goes to their his her study. She takes a moment to take everything in. It's unrecognizable now – the study that once was theirs filled with warmth and laughter and-

Every single space was taken. Covered by plans of plans of plans spanning...two...lifetimes now. Sexy still kept it just as it was the last time he she had been in there.

Their His Her favorite throw was still where it was – on their his her favorite corner of their his her favorite couch.

Nothing had changed but everything had changed.

She curled up and buried her face hoping it would still smell of her (It did. They never knew how it worked but somehow her smell still lingered anyway. They thought they were hallucinating at first but other people had been able to smell it too. Sometimes they forget but Sexy also lost her too).

She was a he again. The same face they had four lifetimes ago. The same face who was the first to keep the memory of their meeting.

But wh- what? Why? How? Is this it? Is this the body that finally brings her back home? A fitting act really. He put her in there and so he'll also put her out of there.

But... she wasn't there. Nothing was there. Nothing but chunks of debris and ashes and smelted...somethings.

When he blinked his eyes open (when had he closed them?), Donna's worried face greeted him. He blinked again and blinked. Nothing changed. Everything has changed. He had waited for far too long. He had made her wait for far. too. long. He feared of failing her but now he actually has failed her.

Everything was bland now. Was it just him or is everything a bit...on the side of grey? Donna looks at him like he might break. (He won't. He's a Time Lord. Time Lords don't break.) Even Sylvia had taken to treating him a bit more kindly.

He goes off alone with Sexy. His return to the Noble-Temple (Temple-Noble) household becomes fewer and further in between. One day he finds himself in Venice. Wonderful Venice. His Pond and her Roman (who wasn't yet a Roman) had gone here. There were vampires. And running and –

River?

No silly. River wasn't there.

He blinked. And blinked again. Made sure the sky was blue and the clouds still fluffy white. But was that his leather jacket that just whizzed by past him? Wait. Hold on. That was... Was that? Oh no. It wasn't. It couldn't be. Did they? No. They couldn't have.

But of course, apparently they did. Because that was actually his leather jacket wearing self that just passed by him again(?) tugging along his very-much-not-dead wife along running from... Hold on. Why are they running? What- Who's shooting at her?!

[pnfc]

THE WHAT you can't just say something like 'the song taylor swift wrote about perrysmirtz' and then not elaborate

i am of course referring to 'trouble'

[inkskinned]

im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.

you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.

please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.

could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.

i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.

i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.

but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.

you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.

here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.

for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.

i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.

happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.

it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.

these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.

there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam

recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.

but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.

and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.

[snackugaki]

do you survive an apocalypse because you’re shaped like a dorito chip?

or does surviving an apocalypse shape you into a dorito chip?

something to ponder

[theladyofbloodshed]

You search Ember Quinlan on Reddit and you’ll be flooded with posts about not being able to stand her and how overbearing she is to Bryce… you know what this is why I left any subreddit relating to sjm

[twisted-wonderland-but-gayer]

I should ss all of grims dialouge in this new event and see just how many lines are abt food. I have already counted like 7 times in the first two books

[cdrama-action]

Did you miss your chance to sign up for @cdrama_action, the Chinese Drama Gotcha For Gaza event?

Right now are looking for some extra writers and artists for a few in demand fandoms:

Hikaru no Go

Mysterious Lotus Casebook

I am Nobody

Oh No! Here Comes Trouble

Till the End of the Moon

Love Between Fairy and Devil

We've temporarily reopened the signup form, so if you are able, go sign up.

(And we won't prohibit you from signing up for other fandoms as well, if you want to sneak in.)