#this is an exception bc they are 16

[inkskinned]

im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.

you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.

please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.

could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.

i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.

i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.

but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.

you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.

here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.

for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.

i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.

happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.

it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.

these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.

there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam

recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.

but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.

and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.

[heleizition]

this is my naruto oc age 12 and age like 15 lmao she goes through it

[yanderemeganekko]

"Thistle is 15" "Thistle is 1000 years old" "Thistle is a child" "Thistle was 40/60/80/100 at the point where he" shut up shut up shut up elves don't mature the exact same as humans do and he has no confirmed canon human age plus people can be immature at literally any age especially after being forced to shoulder insane responsibilities from a young age just let people do what they want. We're not doing this to the Dungeon Meshi fandom ffs.

[coronangelic1]

watched transformers one and when bee talked about working for the goverment everyone screamed NOOO

[wheucto]

with that new revelation in ii2 e16, i feel like there's... a lot less to know about the world of ii. at least, not to know for sure.

because, before then, you could extract some information from passing comments. remember the french or whatever pizza delivery guy who tried to pass as italian, but spoke spanish instead? from that, you could determine that 1. france, spain, and italy are places that exist and 2. if those countries exist, why not all the countries in the world?

but. but, according to what cobs said at least, mephone4 seems to have made everything. he made the weird looking grass. if he made that, then why not anything else? did that guy exist before he came onto the show? probably not! and if he was made that day, was the concept of "france," "spain," and "italy" made that day too?

there's no way for us to know what the normal world of ii looks like. do they have parallel countries to us? well, we know their continents aren't parallel. it follows that their countries wouldn't be, either. who knows what their history is like? how the normal objects are like? will we know?

[pumpkinrootbeer]

sorry for haymitch posting constantly but the funniest thing to me is in his games there was nothing outwardly suggesting everything was poison but his paranoid ass saw fresh water and went "it's a trap" and the hilarious part is he was right

[lovesickeros]

Hiii just popping out to say thank you for feeding my sagau reader x furina brainroot by small interactions in "Even the Gods bleed." (Sorry if I wrote it incorrectly, I didn't get proper sleep.)

They way reader tugged at Furina's cheek— hell yeah your Grace I understand you.

i am always down to feed other furina enjoyers. at some point i need to give furi her own solo fic with reader but i know im gonna make it like triple the length of everything else..favoritism at its finest!! and proud of it. furina gets priority in everything.

[deadpanwalking]

why tf did you block me??? i've followed you for years and we've never spoken once

I was tipped off by a friend who works for the controversial "Precrime" police program that one of their precogs received a psychic impression of a guy I don't know speaking to me on the internet.

[butnotbubblegum]

using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, read at your own risk.

[teenangstenthusiast]

woe . mentally ill teenage furries be upon ye .

[inhidingxoxo3637]

Not the MotoGP men's size S shirt being bigger than the women's XL

[shion2nd]

woke up drooling after having slept for 12 hours. my body immediately springing up on the bed. gasping for breath. and the first thought i had was "mafumafu is 33 years old."

[guinevereslancelot]

not to be ungrateful but i don't get paid enough at my job lol

[bookworm-2692]

After the absolute carnage and chaos of Session 3 and 4, I desperately wanted to see a graph of everyone’s life left compared to each other, and this is the result of that. I will include close ups of each session below the cut, as well as screenshots of the full (colour-coded!!) data. Updates: Session 5, Session 6, Session 7, Session 8.

Note that I’m using the times that everyone should have based on their kills and deaths, and not what was actually shown (since I know Tango was accidentally given 1.5 hours for his boogey kill instead of just 1 hour, and Skizz hasn’t yet received his 30 minutes for killing Tango), so we’ll see if these times are rectified for Session 5, or if I will adjust my graph to show what is actually used.

Before I show the close ups, I just want to explain the colours used. I picked a base colour for each team and then used a different shade of that colour for each member of the team, to make it easier when looking at a mess of lines. TIES are red because Tango made the bowtie on the tower red (and also because of the red tie in Skizz’s skin, and also Tango’s skin is red). The Bad Boys are green because of all their crops (wheat and potatoes and carrots so far). The Nosy Neighbours are purple because of Watcher-related reasons. Mean Gills are teal because of the coral reef and the warm water colour (and also Scott’s hair). Clockers are orange because Minecraft clocks are gold, and orange is the closest colour to that. Below is a screenshot of all the colour choices I had, and I labeled each one with the player I picked for it

Now for the close ups of each session, with labelling for where each player is at at the end of each session. The grey squiggly downward line is simply the average of all the players’ times at that instant, and the green, yellow, and red horizontal lines mark out 24, 16, and 8 hours respectively. There are no markings for the number of hours, but each gridline is an additional hour, so you can count up and down from the colour-coded lines.

Session 1 close up

Session 2 close up

Session 3 close up

Session 4 close up

So as you can see... there’s less than three hours between the bottom nine people, and a much larger gap from them to the top five. And all three of Skizz’s teammates are amongst those with the most time, so I don’t think Skizz will be first out if TIES play their cards right.

Next I am going to show the data tables I used to generate the graphs! I colour coded them so you can easily see green lives vs yellow lives, and also how often some people switched between them (and you can also see the single second Scar technically turned green during Session 3 before dying, which is also the weird orange vertical line on the graph).

There’s a new row every ten minutes, and every death created two new rows, the first of which is the times a second before the death, and the second is after the death, in order to create the sudden vertical drop.

Deaths are marked with red borders around the box, and time being gained is marked with a green border. All times are in hours and only display to two decimal places, but were calculated down to the second (and the times in hours, minutes, and seconds can be seen at the very left.

Without further ado:

Session 1 data

Session 2 data

Session 3 data

Session 4 data

I find this is a super good visualiser of all the green and yellow switches during the session.

And to visualise the absolute chaos of a specific ten minute segment during Session 3... below shows how much space the chaotic ten minutes takes up in the data due to all the deaths... compared to the entire two hours before it (remembering each row is a new ten minutes or a new death... so for a single ten minute segment to take up almost as much space as two hours, really shows a lot)

Anyway, I had an absolute blast putting all this data together and I’ve spent so much time since the weekend just staring at all the pretty graphs and data. I hope this helps other people keep track of all the death and carnage and times and so on, like it helped me.

[tavina-writes]

HERE I have thoughts about Huang Yaoshi and Huang Rong and Huang Rong's childhood because I am ALWAYS brainrotting about how like, HYS had SO MUCH trauma re: the death of his wife Feng Heng. But he has never once blamed his daughter OR traumatized her in any way. Huang Rong is quite literally the last (1) shred of his sanity and the only reason he's still alive! (The narrator even tells us this at one point.)

Originally, Huang Rong was the Peach Blossom Island Master Huang Yaoshi's only daughter. Before giving birth to her, her mother had a turn for the worse, which caused her to be physically and mentally exhausted, leading to her death soon after a difficult labor. Huang Yaoshi had a fit afterwards, expelling all his disciples from the island, leaving only the father and the daughter alone there. Huang Yaoshi was called the Eastern Heretic because of his peculiarity of conduct. He often said that the etiquette and customs of the world were all nonsense. His love for his daughter was excessive and he naturally did nothing to control her, thus allowing her to become arrogant and willful. Although she was intelligent, she was not willing to focus her mind on learning martial arts. Her father was actually very proficient in the ying yang five lines, learning these methods from several classics. She was able to learn when still very young but even though her father had already reached a divine level, she was nevertheless unable to go beyond the Peach Blossom Island martial arts basics. One day, she was playing in the island when she came upon her father's enemy imprisoned in the cave. Feeling lonely, she conversed with that person, talking for almost half a day. The person's words were interesting to her so that she often returned, seeking him out only to speak with him, finding relief in that exercise. Afterwards, Huang Yaoshi found out and reproached her severely. Huang Rong had never been beaten or scolded by her father so she reacted with anger and self-pity. Her cunning and unreasonable temperament manifested itself suddenly and she took the boat to escape Peach Blossom Island, thinking that no one cared for her there. Thus, she cut all wish for it and disguised herself as a poor, miserable youth, going in all directions, dissolute, though in her heart she was still with her father. She thought angrily, Since you don't love me, then I will make the world feel most pitiful for a young beggar!" However, she did not expect to meet Guo Jing in Zhangjiakou. At first, she went to the wine shop with him to spend his money and cause a disturbance, intending to lay on him her resentment towards her father. Who would have thought that he would be so dumb with no idea at all, talking with her as though they were old friends and even giving her his horse, showing his concern? She was bitter and lonely, thinking about how she deceived him but he continued to treat her honestly. She was touched. Since then, the two of them became good friends.

When we DO see HYS on page for the first time Huang Rong's internal thoughts go "oh no, I haven't seen dad in a few months but he looks like he aged a decade worrying for me 😭." NOW, HYS had been mad for like maybe (2) days that Rong'er ran away, but then he'd been searching for her for the entire rest of the time. (This also builds on my theory that this man is good at everything in the world except asking for directions bc Rong'er had been running around in the same region as their home (Jiangnan) with a giant painted sign "HI I AM HUANG YAOSHI'S SPOILED CONWOMAN DAUGHTER" for months on end as well.)

At a completely different point in this book, the narrator tells us that HYS built a suicide boat to sink himself and his wife's jade coffin to the bottom of the ocean and he repainted this boat every year, but could neither bear to leave Rong'er to be raised by servants OR take her onto the boat with her parents so he kept putting off his suicide boating and vowed to go boating only after Rong'er was grown up and married and didn't need a dad anymore. (At one point during the novel he is lied to and told that Rong'er died at sea and this man has a full on hysterical mental breakdown while screaming at the sky.)

There are SO MANY lines in this book where it's like "because he was looking at his beloved daughter, he could not help but be happy anyway!" and "oh the huangs are hugging again" and "Guo Jing (erroneously) thinks that Rong'er's dad must be the best guy on the planet bc Rong'er is so wonderful."

(also lolsob uh, in HSDS we learn that he finally DID go suicide boating after hearing that his daughter's entire family died at Xiangyang. Guo Xiang comes to her grandfather's house on Peach Blossom Island and there's a line of "and the docks were empty, all of the boats had gone.")

[toxicrevolver]

BL WRAPPED 2023

Tagged by @loveable-sea-lemon

you watched 1 bl this year. that's about 16 hours!

you primarily watched bls from Thailand

you spent way too much time thinking about these characters: Vegas Theerapanyakul, Pete Saengtham, Kinn Theerapanyakul, Tay (idk his last name. Does he even have one?)

your favorite show was Kinnporsche. you kept thinking about it all year. (I have nothing to compare it to yet)

your overall bl mood was angst? (Idk honestly. Kinnporsche was a fuckin roller coaster)

you read the most fanfiction about VegasPete. like way Way WAY too much.

another of your favorites from this year was love in the air. they captivated your gay little heart. (I’ve ONLY seen the gifs but it applies. I need to watch it. I like the ponytail guy.)

your favorite acting pair was Boss & Noeul. there was just something so mesmerizing about them... (I know almost nothing about them. But the gifs. THE GIFS. I need to watch them act okay. For science.)

here's to another year!!

(Blank version)

Tagging: @boysbeloving and anyone else who wants to participate! Idk who follows me that watch’s BLs I’m sorry.