#oh gosh oh gosh

[fyrerainy]

typos and stuff!! will be pretty in-depth, sorry in advance lmao

@strawbubbysugar hi!! ily!! Here's some stuff I've found. This is gonna seem super rude and if you want me to stop, I'll stop!!

[keep in mind, I'm not an expert, though I have read through a textbook on how to write, edit, and get published. Feel free to discard as much of this criticism as you wish /gen]

When editing a manuscript, the experts say to try and cut 10% of your word count, so be sure to keep that in mind. Anything in your book that you feel icky about, or wasn't worded or written in the best way, needs to be addressed. The first draft was about what you wanted. The final copy will be about what the readers want.

Chapter 1

The key to hooking a reader in is to start with a bang. You want to draw their attention from the first sentence. At the moment, "Busy. Busy busy busy, always so busy," isn't seeming like the optimal use of your first paragraph. It's not making me feel intrigued, or making me want to read more. A chunk of this chapter (or the whole thing) may need to be rewritten.

This sentence is confusing me, it's not very concise. Maybe something like "This place was designed to mimic the unfinished amusement park, which proudly reached several floors above its head," would make it easier on the brain.

moment's

Unsure if 'loaded' is the right word here. Perhaps uploaded would work better?

Also, you can probably get rid of "it was advanced", as it's not needed here.

I'm feeling like this sentence doesn't make a lot of sense. In a nutshell, it's basically "An AI, now holding onto a toddler." It would work better if you exchanged 'a' with 'the', 'and' with 'was'.

Also, "now with one hand holding onto the seam etc" needs to be changed to "holding onto the labelled seam of a toddler's pants with one hand"

I believe this sentence is contradicting itself as you'd just told me that it didn't have straining core muscles, but then said it was straining. You may need to add a sentence or two about how its gears were grinding, and/or its legs shaking to keep it in place.

Also, "...attempt to not drop either child" needs to be "....attempt not to drop either child".

You may want to change the second "calculated" to "found" so you don't repeat words.

It's not a ball pit anymore bubby X3c

This needs to be changed. Either the first sentence needs to be "it caught the little one with time to spare" or "catching the little one with time to spare, the fluid etc etc". If you choose the second option, you'd have to edit the rest of the sentence to avoid it running on.

"The" needs to be lowercase, and ITS needs to be IT'S

Since we've switched focus from Hello to the kids then back, you may want to establish that this is Hello we're referencing when we say 'it'. Maybe, "The robot gently patted"...?

Also, if you want to be super professional and fancy, you could remove one of those question marks. You don't have to tho!

Wrong its! Its (without an apostrophe) is the possessive form of it, so it means “belonging to it.” “The cat ate its food.” It's (with an apostrophe) is a contraction (shortened form) of it is or it has. “It's almost Christmas.”

You repeated the word down twice, maybe change one of them?

Dialogue needs to be in a separate line from the rest of the paragraph.

again, if you want to be fancy you could remove one of these

It needs to be '...with its face "-Hello Lolly!"' bc the '-' needs to be on both sides

The "but only for a moment" could be removed to make the sentence flow more easily.

Aaaaand dialouge needs to be in a seperate line.

*error buzzer noise* wrong its!

Not sure what the "at least" is doing there. Feels like it doesn't fit

from "both children seemed" to "opposite directions" doesn't make sense. Try something like "...end result- they both had a toy and a piece of candy. They ran off in opposite directions."

Again, we're switching focus, so we may want to re-establish that it's the robot we're paying attention to at the end there.

it's a foam pit, silly!

foam, not ball

wrong its!

remember we're not using he/him for Hello yet 🤫

lowercase pronoun after dialouge

not balls! foam! X3

Along doesn't seem quite right. Around, maybe?

New line for dialouge!

"A mischievous grin wormed its"

Needs another gap in between the last two paragraphs

For conciseness, consider "Lukas was, at this point, sticking out his..."

For conciseness, 'for it' could be removed.

Put off from purchasing

pathfind is probably not the right word to use here. Maybe just use find?

that's what it was here for - to play! (new line after this)

golden rule! new line for dialouge! (also the 'it' after luukaass needs to be lowercased)

for conciseness, you could remove "in any bit of it's coding"

the needs to be lowercase

it's not not peaked, it's peeked!

Clarify this is Hello we're talking about with the warning signs

it pronounssss

There's so much more editing to be done (including in this chapter) but this process of screenshotting etc is taking up spoons. Perhaps you could allow me editing access to the manuscript so I can highlight the changes to be made? Or do them for you, if you prefer? /nf

I'm tired QwQ

[babycharmander]

(BOOK OF BILL SPOILERS)

I just finished reading The Book of Bill and I am kindof losing my mind over some of this stuff.

I had wondered if Alex Hirsch might make Bill sympathetic in some way and oh boy I was not expecting him to do it so successfully (and without cheapening Bill's character).

So, we learn that Bill was born into a 2D world... as a mutant who can see into the third dimension. He claims he was absolutely loved by all, but when talking about his powers, he mentions under Pyrokinesis:

"Cipher, Cipher, he's insane / Starting fires with his brain." The kids in grade school could be so cruel. But where are they now, huh? WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

So probably not quite as liked as he was letting on. To add to that, there's the silly straw page, which looks like silly nonsense until you decipher some of the codes:

"EYE DOCTOR OF A DIFFERENT KIND / WHO WANTS TO MAKE HIS PATIENTS BLIND" "THE DOCTOR SAYS / THREE SIPS A DAY / WILL MAKE THE VISIONS / GO AWAY"

I wasn't sure what this meant until I saw someone point out... he was seeing a third dimension that no one else could see. His parents probably took him to the eye doctor to try to "fix" him. Which, speaking of his eye doctor, the coded message in the section about human eyeballs says something interesting:

"MY OPTOMETRIST NEVER SAW IT COMING"

It could be a joke given beforehand he's talking about dissecting a human eye, but given the previous hints of medical abuse, I wouldn't put it past him that he tried to get revenge on his eye doctor.

Oh yeah and the whole thing about him setting his entire dimension on fire? Yeah it turns out it was entirely a mistake (he just wanted everyone to understand the third dimension he was seeing so they could be free of only two dimensions), he was so traumatized by it he blacks out when trying to recall it. He deeply, deeply regrets it, and...

"What? Your ENTIRE home dimension? destroyed? How? By what?" Bill looked distant, more distant than I'd ever seen him. "By a monster."

He sees himself as a monster.

And yet, he's not some innocent, misunderstood being. He still revels in causing pain and chaos. He's terrible in general, but becomes incredibly abusive toward Ford.

"YOU'RE MY PROPERTY. DON'T FORGET IT. The hillbilly abandoned you, your father won't want you returning without millions, you have no friends, and if you died out here in the snow, who would even miss you?"

Which... speaking of him and Ford...

Yes, yes, I know people ship them. But like, whether you see their relationship as romantic or platonic (I see it as the latter), there's some interesting parallels to be made here.

Both Bill and Ford are mutants who were mocked for their being different. (Bill was not physically a mutant, as far as we know, but more in the sense of him having vision stronger than that of everyone else in his dimension, and also having special powers. And he does describe himself as a mutant.) Both became social outcasts, separated from their families but still haunted by them (Ford seeing commercials of Stan on TV and running across old photos of him and his brother, Bill being haunted by his family in some form). Neither could return home for one reason or another. Both more powerful than their peers (Ford intellectually, Bill in terms of actual powers). Both of them isolated and alone. (Yes, Bill does have the Henchmaniacs, but they seem like shallow friends, and only really seem to follow him out of a desire to have a place to party.)

Ford was not aware of most of this, aside from knowing that Bill could not go home because his dimension was destroyed. But Bill absolutely saw himself in Ford. There was no other person he tried to use whom he felt a stronger connection to.

And he actually seems to care about Ford--he actually gave him a birthday present, and when Ford didn't like it, he decided to get drunk and party with him instead to make up for it.

And then when Ford realizes what Bill's plan actually is and refuses to go along with it, and fights back no matter what Bill does, Bill completely breaks down.

After living for trillions of years, he met someone who was like him, and that person rejected him.

He goes berserk, wreaking havoc, being caught by the dimensional authority that he's been taunting for most of his life.

And then after dying and being cast out of hell for being too annoying, he winds up faced with the Axolotl, who sends him to therapy, where he continues to break down further, sending out the book in a desperate attempt to find someone, anyone who will help him break loose and wreak havoc once again.

"You have no friends, and if you died ... who would even miss you?"

I don't know, Bill. Who would even miss you?

In short,

[ID: The front and back of one of Bill's Valentines cards. On the front is a black void with Bill Cipher lying down without his hat, gazing blankly upwards, with the text "I DON'T WANT TO DIE ALONE" above him. On the back is a simple white "TO/FROM" in red, with a red outline illustration of Bill spontaneously growing a mouth and eating a realistic, bloody heart. /end ID]

[applestruda]

THEYRE HERE

[egophiliac]

WAIT when did he get FANGS

[erabu-san]

I enjoyed every second of this quest

[This art has platonic intention. Thank you for not tag ship!]

[mxmarsbars]

he’s so gorgious

speedran this trend on twitter dot com ^.^ I love turning middle aged men into cutie pies

[kovalitics]

[randomloserlover]

cobs destroys mephone's objectsonas

[noodles-and-tea]

Hi I just wanted to say Mabel has become my recent comfort character and I absolutely love the way you draw her and the rest of the cast. Your gravity falls art has made these last few weeks a whole lot better for me :)

💕💕💕

[thewizardhole]

my tavs and their romantic partners

[kimcheesiee]

THE WAY HIS TOWEL STARTS FALLING LAWWWWWDDDD— 😩😮‍💨

[a0vy]

shh, he’s contemplating terraforming his hideout

[pomarrillo]

thought id pick up fe3h again after 4 years! blue lions this time 😁 and then church route next if i dont get burnt out by then

[fandomlockedfan]

Doujin and Manga. This is just like SasuNaru all over again

[themetalhiro]

Mixed bag, some re uploaded, some new.

[zzztlk]

Monster Yuri part 3! Except there is no yuri this time, just the horrors. ⚠️ Stronger gore warning for this one !!