#oh fuck im not gonna have enough money to pay my bills this month

[rohirric-hunter]

.

[thewickerking]

So anyways my original post. I got paid and went to check it VERY nervously because the power bill is insane again this month and i only picked up one extra shift so I thought it wouldn't be that much extra money but I think honestly my last paycheck was smaller than it should've been cause I asked for a few days off in the last pay period which i forgot about so it was less hours than usual and ALSO I got a paycheck from second job which i honestly thought I already got paid for my last day(s) but apparently not so im good! I'm good!! I have bills and extra let's fucking gooooo. Let's fucking go. Oh my fucking god i thought I wasn't gonna have enough for rent and shit this month (technically next month..) cause I need to give my roommate rent a few days in advance for paying rent on the 1st of the month and my next paycheck is gonna be on the 31st and whatever end of story is IM GOODDDDDD IM FINE IM OKAY I WAS SO SCARED DEAR FUCKING GOD

[xoxo-teddybear]

What Have I Done? - Bakugou Katsuki

Bakugou x f!reader

Warnings: Angst, Physical injuries, cursing

Summary: An argument gone out of hand. Y/N just wanted Katsuki to be home more. They’re married and yet she barely sees him throughout the week. When she finally speaks on her hurt feelings, she gets a reaction she definitely wasn’t expecting.

Chapter 1 -> Chapter 2

A/N:.....I cried while writing this.

BAKUGOU’S MASTERLIST

‘He’s gone already. Again. Like always.’

Y/N had awoken to another empty bed. Her husband’s side of the mattress remained cold and empty. This wasn’t anything new. It’s been like this for the past few months. She would wake up alone, eat breakfast alone, spend her day alone, eat dinner alone, and go back to sleep at the end of the day...alone.

It’s not that Katsuki is intentionally ignoring Y/N. He loves her with his everything, he truly does! But villains never rest and neither does he. He’s so preoccupied with hero work that when he does get a day off, his friends drag him away to a bar or game night. Y/N always ran through his head but she had always been so understanding. And besides, she knows how busy the life of a pro is. She used to be one so she gets it. Right?

Wrong. She doesn’t get it. Because even when she was a pro, her and Katsuki always found time for each other. And ever since said man made her quit, claiming he could take care of both of them easily and he would feel better knowing his beloved is safe at home, they’ve seen each other less and less. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. Y/N was willing to quit her dream because she found a new dream in Katsuki. She always imagined that being his little housewife would give them more time together but the opposite of that came true. Now she sits in the big empty house with no company for hours on end.

Her sadness builds up every day. She misses her husband. She tries to be an understanding wife but at this point, it’s like he’s not even trying to make an effort to see her. It’s like he’s settled to just coming home to her sleeping form and waking up to her in the exact same state, leaving before he can witness her do anything else. He should understand her though, no? I mean, she had brought it up to him in a very casual way and so he never took it seriously, but she’s mentioned it before. He should have a pretty vivid image of how shes been feeling. Right?

After 6 months of loneliness and being ‘Katsuki-deprived,’ Y/N made her move to speak to her husband about her feelings. She already imagined the outcome. An argument due to Katsuki’s brash behavior and her ‘never back down’ attitude, sad times bringing in the silent treatment for the two of you up until the both of you give in and forgive each other due to the love you have. Finally ending in a compromise. Y/N released a heavy breath as she looked at the time.

1:36 a.m. Just a few more minutes until Katsuki’s home.

—

He was pissed. 3 large scale bank robberies, 10 villain-wannabe fights, an argument with his publicist about his ‘out of line attitude,’ and Deku replacing him on a random ass billboard. The last detail wouldn’t have mattered if it was anybody else but the fact that it was Deku had him riled up. He just wanted to go home to a quiet house with his beautiful wife and admire her gorgeous, slumbering state. However that was not what he was greeted with.

Katsuki grumbled as he unlocked the front door and walked in. He noticed the lights were still on and saw Y/N still awake, seated on the couch. On any other day, he’d be elated to see his wife was still up. They’d talk and cuddle and go to sleep together. If he was lucky, they’d both make love until the sun rose. But tonight, that wouldn’t be happening. He wanted a quiet house with his sleeping wife. Not..whatever was about to happen. He sighed as he dropped his bag at the front door and sloppily placed his keys in the glass bowl near the door.

“What’re you doing up dumbass?” He asked as he walked to the kitchen, not even bothering to take off his shoes. He needed a drink.

“I was waiting for you, Katsuki. I just wanted to talk to you about something,” you said in a soft voice, hoping it would suppress his for sure incoming anger. Katsuki closed the fridge with a kick to the heavy door and chugged down a quarter of his drink.

“I’m not in the mood. Had a shitty day and I wanna sleep. Just go to bed.” He said sternly while trying to finish his beer as fast as he could.

“Don’t you think I would’ve done that hours ago? I wouldn’t have stayed up and waited for you if this wasn’t important. Please Katsuki, I really wanna talk.” Bakugou was beginning to grow annoyed. Why wouldn’t you just drop it already? He squeezed his bottle hard enough for it too crack before he spoke with a louder voice.

“Y/N! You’re not listening! I’m tired. I had a horrible day and I just want to sleep. I don’t want to talk, I don’t want to stay up anymore, and I don’t want to listen to whatever bullshit you’re about to complain and bitch about like you always do!” He screamed. His words made your jaw drop.

“Not listening?! That’s all I do! All I do is listen to your every command so that you come home happy-“

“Well it looks like you failed today!” He said, cutting you off.

“Quit interrupting! And what was it that you said?! All I do is bitch and complain?! I’m trying to talk to you about something serious here Katsuki!” You pleaded, still hoping he would give in and listen. And he did...just not in the way you’d expect.

“Fine then! If this’ll get you to quit being an annoying ass waste of time, then speak! Talk! What the hell do you want?!” He asked, screaming at you, furious at all the dramatics you’ve brought up in one night.

His words kind of stung. ‘Annoying ass? Waste of time? Is this what he thinks I am?’ You grew silent at his insults and Katsuki seethed even more.

“Oh what? I scream at you and you bitch up? Toughen up Y/N, jeez. Quit acting like a baby! Tell me what you wanted to say!” He yelled.

“.......I just....I just wanted you to spend some time with me. .....Be home more.” You said in a quiet and broken voice. You looked down to the now very interesting floor as you played with your hands.

“Seriously? This shit again? I’m a pro-hero, Y/N! I’m busy! I’m not gonna drop saving lives just because your brat ass wants someone to notice you! Since when were you such an attention whore?” He asked while rolling his neck to relieve his strained muscles. Your eyes widen at the ground due to his words and your head snapped back up to face him.

“A-attention whore? I-...I just want my husband to stop working so much. I don’t know..maybe have a day off or two!” She said with a crinkled nose as you screamed.

“I do have days off, Moron. It’s why I’m not overworked, ever thought about that?!” He screamed back.

“And you spend those days off away from me! I’m not trying to act like the world revolves around me but I would hope my own husband would spend a day with me instead of his friends that he ALWAYS sees because you ALL WORK TOGETHER!” You argued. You made a valid point and even Katsuki knew that, but he was too stubborn to admit defeat. He was still tired but he had enough energy to put you back in your place. His eyes popped as a vein grew on his neck.

“Well- WELL YOU’RE ONCE AGAIN JUST BITCHING AND COMPLAINING LIKE YOU ALWAYS DO! I DONT UNDERSTAND WHY YOU’RE SO UPSET!” He screamed.

“Don’t understand?! You know what? I know you don’t because you never listen to-“

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, I WASNT DONE TALKING! ALL YOU DO IS SIT AROUND THE HOUSE, LAZING AROUND, DOING NOTHING BUT TRY TO ARGUE WITH-“

“LAZING AROUND?!” You shouted in disbelief. “WHO MAKES YOUR MEAL PREP THE NIGHT BEFORE SO YOU CAN ENJOY IT AT WORK AND IN THE MORNING? WHO CLEANS THE ENTIRE HOUSE EVERYDAY WHILE YOU’RE GONE? WHO MAKES SURE YOU HAVE A FULL FRIDGE, CLEAN HOUSE, GOOD FOOD, AND A HAPPY LIFE? ME KATSUKI! ME!”

“Happy life? DO I LOOK HAPPY TO YOU BITCH?! NEWSFLASH, IM NOT! SO CONGRATS Y/N! YOU FAILED ONCE AGAIN! AND WHO GIVES A FUCK IF YOU PLAY MAID WHILE IM AWAY?! IM BUSY SAVING THE FUCKING WORLD! THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS BE A GOOD WIFE SINCE YOU CANT EVEN BE A FUCKING PRO ANYMORE!” He insulted again.

“because of FUCKING YOU!” You argued once more.

“I DID IT FOR YOU!” He said while throwing his bottle to the wall, causing it to shatter. “I DO EVERYTHING FOR YOUR UNGRATEFUL BITCH ASS! I PAY THE BILLS! I BRING HOME THE CASH! I GIVE YOU THE MONEY TO BUY ALL THE FUCKING FOOD, CLOTHES, AND ANY OTHER STUPID SHIT YOU WANT! AND ON TOP OF THAT, I STUFF YOUR STUPID CUNT TO PLEASURE YOUR UNGRATEFUL ASS. AT THIS POINT, YOU’RE JUST A WALKING HOLE FOR ME TO USE!”

His words hurt. They broke your heart. Did he really feel this way? If so, why was he even with you anymore. You notice a smirk grow on his face at your bewildered state. He looked as if he just won something. However, the smirk dropped into a scowl once he saw your eyes begin to pool with tears.

“Oh great! Cry! Go ahead! Just shed your fucking tears like you always do! I’m going to bed! Come join me when you’re done being an annoying bitch.” He said and stuffed his hands in his pockets as he began to walk away. You didn’t want the conversation to go this way and there was no conclusion. You needed this to be resolved now. You just wanted your husband back. You reached out to stop him from walking but the unforeseen happened.

“Katsuki..don’t walk away from thi-“

“DONT FUCKING TOUCH ME!” He said and smacked your arms away with a burning palm. Without realizing, Katsuki began to spark his quirk and so when he went in to push you away, he burned your forearm.

A loud blast and smoke filled the room and your screams of pain invaded his ears. The sound made a shocked face grow on him as he quickly turned to see the damaged he had caused. His heart sank as he saw you crying while holding your burnt arm with your other hand. You were slightly hunched over in pain as you took notice of the damage that had been caused. That he caused.

“Y/N!” Bakugou softly shouted as he ran to you. He wanted to help but before he could even lay a finger on you, you flinched. The action caused him to hesitate and hold himself back. He ran to the kitchen sink to get a cold rag and he brought it back to you. “Baby! I am so sor-“

You pushed him away and off of you as you quickly walked to your bedroom with a shadow casted over your eyes. Tears still flowed down your cheeks as sniffles could be heard from your cherry red nose. Katsuki couldn’t believe what he just did and ran to follow you.

“Y/N! Please listen! I didn’t mean it! I don’t know how that happened Teddy Bear but I swear I didn’t mean it! I swear I didn’t mean any of the bullshit I said! I’m sor-“

*SLAM* *click!*

Katsuki realized he followed you out the kitchen, through the living room, up the stairs, and to the entrance of the master bedroom you both shared before you slammed the door and locked it right in his face.

“Baby! Please open the door!” He said while knocking in a very rushed manner. He wanted nothing more than to help you and treat the damage he caused to his beloved wife. He had royally fucked up. He began turning and jiggling the locked knob in an attempt to get it open but failed. “Please Y/N! I have to take care of you and that burn. I’m so sorry but please let me in!”

On the other side of the door, you pressed your back against it as you held in your sobs and slid to the bottom. You pulled both lips in to conceal your voice while you held your wrist to examine the burn on your arm. It was so bad. Your skin turned an angry shade of red as it blistered and bled. You were dripping blood all over your carpeted floor and so you ran to the master bathroom in the bed room.

You turned on the sink and placed your forearm under the cold, running water. The water soothed it a bit but it wasn’t enough to cover the pain. You turned off the sink and grabbed a hand rag as you patted down on your wound. You took out the first aid kit and cared for yourself. You had to take the alcohol to clean it and sucked in a breath before you poured the solution over the burn. You screamed as it seemed to have hurt 10x more. After dabbing cotton over it, you wrapped it in bandages and took a breath of relief.

‘What just happened?’ You thought to yourself.

The entire time, Katsuki was still begging for you to open up. He heard your scream and grew frantic. He banged on the door and cried for you, still hoping, praying, that you would let him in. When nothing happened, he resorted back to calling out for you but to no avail.

About an hour went by and it was almost 4 in the morning. You sat on the bed with your arms holding your knees to your chest. You stared at the wrap as the memories of what went down tonight flashed through your brain.

‘Waste of time...brat ass...attention whore...ungrateful...annoying bitch.’

His words struck you right in your heart. Cruel thoughts began to fill your head.

‘He doesn’t love me. He hates me. I’m worthless.’ Your thoughts would’ve continued until a quiet knock snapped you out of you mind.

“....Y/N?...Baby?” It was Katsuki of course, but a softer version of him. A broken one. “..I don’t know if you’re listening or if you’re awake..but I need you to know that I’m so so sorry.” It was easy to hear his muffled and staggered voice that exposed his tears and sobs. “If I could turn back time right now, I would do tonight all over again, I swear. I would’ve came home and listened to you. And we could’ve talked things out. We would’ve came out of this problem being a stronger couple than we were before...because that’s what we always do. We always make it out of the dark together..because we’re a team..and I need you. .....Please...please don’t leave me Y/N. I love you so much. ‘M so sorry that I hurt you..that I burned you..that I’m such a terrible husband. But I promise you I’ll fix everything in the morning...................Teddy Bear?”

He didn’t know it, but you were listening. You heard every word but refrained from speaking. You knew that the second you did, you’d break down and go crawling back to him....but you didn’t want to do that. You wanted to leave. He physically burned you and you wanted to leave. You were going to sleep for a few hours, and when you would awaken, you would pack a bag and leave. And so, you began your plan and tried to get some sleep as tear streaks marked your face. It would all be over soon.

You woke up to the morning sun.

6:50 a.m.

You rose out of bed and rubbed at your puffy eyes. You quietly got ready in the bathroom and applied the slightest bit of makeup to look more presentable. You took out a pair of shoes and tossed them to the center of the room. You were in your closet and pulled out a bag. You stuffed it full of a few clothes for you to wear, you couldn’t stay here. Not after what he did. You fought through the pain as you pulled on your jacket and placed your shoes on. You wiped your tears as you picked up your purse and got ready to leave. You were going to stay in a hotel. Didnt matter where or how expensive. You just needed to get away.

Finally, you walked to the exit of the bedroom. You took a breath before you slowly turned the knob and was greeted with the sight of a sleeping Bakugou. He had slept in the hallway in front of the bedroom, still wearing the same clothes from the night before. His knees were scrunched up with his arms resting there to be used as a pillow. He layed his head atop of his arms and as you looked down into his hands, you saw the rag. The exact rag from the argument. The rag that he attempted to use to help you. Little did you know, Bakugou hadn’t planned on getting rid of it until you let him use it to help you. He wanted nothing more than to fix his mistake and cater to you and your wound.

You shook your head as you felt tears began to fill your eyes but you refused to let them fall. You took a step and sadly awoken the exact man you were trying to avoid. Bakugou had quickly woken up when he heard the slightest noise and was blessed with the beauty that is you. He looked up at you with wide eyes and a small smile.

“Y/N...” was what he whispered before he quickly got up to run to you.

“Y/N!” He ecstatically said with a hint of relief. He was about to wrap him arms around you but you kept a hand at his chest to keep him at bay. “Baby?...”

Bakugou looked at you with hurt and confused eyes when you didn’t welcome his embrace. Even when you were mad at him, you still allowed him to hold you so what gives? He looked at you and your attire. He noticed your jacket and shoes and saw you holding a bag. “W-what are you doing?”

You walked away from him but he snatched your wrist to make you turn to face him. “Y/N! What’s going on?!” He frantically asked with crazed eyes. You snatched your wrist back and ran down the stairs and he copied your actions. He followed you into the living room until he grabbed your wrist once more. You tried to pull away again but found it harder because this time, he gripped it tight.

“W-where are you going baby?”

“Dont call me that.”

“What? Why? Baby, please tell me what’s going on.” He begged as he squeezed your wrist.

“What’s going on? Are you serious? What does it look like? I’m leaving!” Bakugou’s eyes went wide once more and shook his head.

“N-no! No, why!?”

“Why?! Look at my arm!” You screamed.

“I know! I know and I’m so sorry! But..but you don’t have to go! I can fix you up, I’ll take you to recovery girl, I will bring you to the best hospitals around the world to fix that for you! Just please don’t go!” He bargained and offered everything but you weren’t budging.

“It’s not just the burn Bakugou.” You deadpanned with a nonchalant face. His heart felt heavy after hearing your voice refer to him with his family name.

“..I-it’s Katsuki! Your Katsuki! It’s Suki, baby please!” Bakugou stepped closer as he cried once more but you backed away again. His hold on your wrist still strong as his fingers played with the ring on your hand, trying to calm himself down and remind himself that you are still his wife.

You shook your head at his pleading. “Bakugou. You burned me. But not only that, you’ve neglected me for months.”

“I know that! And I’m sorry! I will spend just as much time off of work to make it up to you, I swear I will, I promise!” He once again bargained.

“It’s too late.”

“No it’s not, please, it can’t be!”

“It is Bakugou-“

“KATSUKI! ....please...please don’t call me that. I’m your Katsuki,” he said with a whimpering voice. At this point you felt the tears come through, but you still didn’t allow them to fall.

“Katsuki...I can’t stay here. Too much damage has been done.” You said with a soft voice. Bakugou continued to shake his head ‘no,’ but you already made up your mind. You used your wind quirk in your hand and blew his grip off your wrist. You took the quick opportunity to walk to the door but Bakugou grabbed your bag off your shoulder in a childish panic and attempt to get you to stay.

“Hey!-“

“Please Y-Y/N! Please don’t leave me! I- I know I’ve been a terrible husband! I’m sorry! B-But I promise I’ll do better. I’ll stay at home more, I’ll spend more time with you, Please!”

“Katsu-“

“I’ll buy you whatever you want! I’ll get you all the expensive brands, I’ll find you all the best jewelry, I’ll give you all the money in the world! I’ll give you the whole world! Please stay! I love you so much Y/N!”

“Katsuki, give me back my bag,” you tried to reach for it but Bakugou kept it away from you and pulled you in with one arm and held you in a tight embrace as he cried on your shoulder.

“Please...you can’t do this to me. I need you. I love you! I’ll do better! I’ll be a better husband, I swear..just please don’t go.” He softly spoke with a broken voice and soft hiccups. It was wrong for you to do this, but you sighed and pretended to forgive him as you wrapped your arms around his torso. You hugged him tight and he fell for it as he openly sobbed now. His other arm that held your bag came to wrap around your waist but before it could, you snatched the bag out of his hold and pushed him away. You ran to the door and held a tight grip on the knob as you picked up your car keys. You saw Katsuki attempt to run back to you but you created a strong barrier of wind to protect you. “IM SORRY Y/N! PLEASE DONT!”

You took off your ring and tossed it to him through the barrier. He was quick to catch it and hold it right in fear of losing it. He had to find a way to get it back on your finger. “No..baby...Teddy Bear please!”

“....I’ll send you the divorce papers....Goodbye Katsuki.”

With that, you walked out of the door, still keeping the barrier alive. Once you started the car, you dispersed of the wind and Bakugou opened the door and ran to your car.

“Y/N wait! Please!” He cried out but he was too late. You pulled out of the driveway and drove off quickly down the street. He watched your car go as he began hyperventilating and tugging at his ash blonde locks. He ran back inside the house with your ring in hand as he looked for his phone. He found it on the kitchen island and quickly dialed your number. Of course, it went straight to voicemail but that didn’t stop him from calling about 50x more.

“This-...this has to be some stupid dream. A fucking nightmare...” he said as he tried to hide in denial. “Yeah...a nightmare. This is what it is...I’ll..I’ll wake up soon and she’ll be by my side in the morning...sleeping peacefully...and I’ll take the whole week off and spend it with her. She won’t be mad, we’ll be happy like we always are. S-She won’t leave me.”

Bakugou had an insane smile on his face with eyes of distraught on him. He clumsily made his way back to his bedroom where he flopped onto the large mattress and tried to get some sleep. He would sleep the whole day away if it meant you’d still be by his side when he woke up. The ring you abandoned was held tight in the palm of his hand as he held it close to his chest. His sobs overcame him but did aid in his journey to slumber. Eventually, he knocked out and a smile of bliss adorned his face as he assumed you would still be there in the morning.....oh how wrong he was.

The very next day, he woke up at 5:30 like he always did and quickly looked to your side of the bed. It was cold and empty. He was lonely. The exact same feeling you got everytime you woke up without seeing him for the past 6 months.

6 months. You’ve been married for 4 years and together for 8. Out of those 8 years, Bakugou spent 6 months neglecting you..and now...he lost you.

He stared at the empty space and bawled his eyes out like a baby as he screamed. He got out of bed and walked to the kitchen. Maybe you were cooking breakfast! You weren’t. Kitchen was empty. He ran to the living room! Maybe you were just watching some TV and reading a book, looking all cute and domesticated like you usually did. No, you weren’t there either. Bakugou checked every room in the house and when he couldn’t find you..he snapped.

His heart beated at a rapid pace as he trashed the entire house. Breaking windows, flipping desks, smashing furniture. He used his quirk to create blasts and burn marks into the walls and floors of the house. He did everything to get his frustrations out. The entire time he shouted and cried as rivers of tears flowed down his cheeks.

When he was done, he sat in the middle of the destroyed living room, laying his back against the flipped couch. He sat with his knees scrunched up as he hunched over, staring at the ground. His nose and eyes and basically his entire face grew puffy and red. His hair was a mess and so was he. Silent tears continued to drop, but his throat was too dry and hurt far too much for him to make anymore noise. However, he did fight through the pain to say one final thing:

“What have I done?”

A/N: hi cubsss! So a lot of you may know that my very first post, writing piece, and short story (He’s Lost) was created around angst, a breakup, and the fact that the triggering point was Bakugou physically hurting Y/N. I’ve been thinking about it and I HATE MY WRITING IN THE FIRST POST! It was terrible! Why tf did y’all like it so much?😭 And so, I’ve created a new piece revolving around the same elements, sorta as a way to check my progress. I hope you enjoyed!

ALSO!!! If you guys like this enough, I’m willing to turn it into a small yandere short story if you Cubs are down for that. Let me know and I’ll make it happen! Love you Cubs! See you next time🧸💗

[brilapse]

bruh I’m dumb, I got loaded at my cousins ready last night and spent more than I should have lol but before, I paid our credit cards off that were pretty much maxed cause some work needed to be done in the new house and then had to take a good chunk of money as well to pay for some work on the car cause ffs my future mother in law needed to borrow it cause her cars power steering went and while it was in shop, she borrowed our car and we just used the work truck for a few days, anyways, our car is fairly low and you’ve always gotta be careful going over speed bumps, like you need to slow down to fucking 5kph lol and there’s sooooo many parking lots when exiting have to be careful af cause it ALWAYS hits the undercarriage of the car, ANWAYS. There’s bad construction in one area of town right now and her work is on the other side, she has to fo through it. Anyways, she must of been fucking flooring it through the construction or some shit cause she smacked the bottom of er BAD. Like when we put it up on the lift you could fucking SEE it was smacked hard af. Well, not long after that she said to us, oh the car is making this like vibrating noise or something and the whole car shakes and we were like wtf, and then she told us about the smack she did and we got the car back and it didn’t seem that bad at first, but then after a day it got worse and worse, we were driving on the highway and it was FUCKED, it was growling and vibrating and shit, we had to go into neutral and then coast until we had to speed up again and Jesus. It did it in reverse too and it was obv the transmission. Anyways we have power train warranty still and we were hoping they wouldn’t notice it was cause of damage but lol obv they did so that didn’t cover it and we had to pay out of pocket and it was not cheap. My future MIL said she’d pay us back cause it was her fault (she’s some hard on cars man. I didn’t even wanna loan it to her but fuck, it’s his mom man.) but that won’t be for a while cause she was a single mom forever and was working for cash while getting welfare so she could afford to raise him cause his dad is a piece of shit, well, was at least. He helps now when he can but she is now a dental assistant and has been for a few years but she makes one income and pays for rent for a funking 3 bedroom upstairs portion of a house cause she “can’t live in a basement apartment” and has no money left after bills basically, so it’s gonna be like 2 years of paying us back like $50-$100 a paycheck lol. Which, whatever but it’s just a bad time for that to happen cause we just got the house and then I’m off work for a couple months right now and don’t get 100% of my salary while off and then just had expenses for the house and shit and whatever.

ANYWAYS when I paid my credit card off yesterday morning I forgot my insurance payment is coming out tomorrow and paid my credit card off with literally 90% of the money we had forgetting that it takes like 3-5 days to process and the credit to be applied to the account and had just enough and then a bit extra for my insurance to come out and then I got loaded and fucking forgot and spent like half that money and now my insurance is gonna bounce and then also I just don’t have enough till payday to live lol

Me + alcohol + money = usually not great

Me + alcohol + money + pissed off at my fiancé and ditched halfway through the night = disastrous

IM JUST SOOOOO TIRED AND SOOOO STRESSED AND SO TIRED OF BEING STRESSED

I’m also hungover to fuck today

I applied for a payday loan lol so I hope I hear back but it’s Sunday lol

Have to back like $100 extra than I get though which Jesus they’re fucking crooks

Okay rant over needed to rant lol and I refuse to talk to my fiancé today lol

[meltwonu]

| 🍒 CH-CH-CHERRY BOMB! 🍒 |     [CHAPTER 5]

pairing; dom!seungcheol x camgirl!reader

this chapter’s notes; camshow, use of toys(sybian), squirting, the long awaited chapter 5 😳💕 do they finally meet?!?!?!?! hehehehehehe also sorry for not being able to post this yesterday, had a busy week and when I tell ya I woke up at 3pm today �� 💕💕💕💕 as always, thank you so much for your continued interest!! I'm already writing ch 6 and im SOOOO EXCITEDDDD hHEHEHEHEEHEH 💕💕💕💕💕 HAVE A GREAT REST OF YOUR WEEKENDS! 🍒 

chapters; 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 - 5 - ? 

“You guys! I--you have to see this!”

You can’t wipe the smile off of your face when you shimmy to the side, excitedly showing off the new gift that Seungcheol had sent in the mail.

sleepy_wonu: holy hell

universe_WZ: that mustve costed hella

alphagyu97: nothin like feelin extra poor amirite lads

angelhan: it was only a matter of time before dom.cheol was untouchable lol 

You giggle slightly as you adjust the camera so that you and your new sybian are in frame. “Hey~ Don’t say that!! Y’know it’s not the amount of money you spend on me… I’m glad you guys are always here with me~” The sound of coins clinking goes off in the back as you read a few more comments.

dom.cheol: well princess, don’t u wanna show them how you use your new toy? ;)

tangerine_kwan: fuck i bet it can get u to cum so fuckin fast

hoshi_tiger_xx: yessss

dom.cheol has donated $100

hoshi_tiger_xx has donated $50

“Hmm~ How many times do you think I can cum with this? Oh! Why don’t we do this~” You pause, sliding your wet panties down your legs before tossing the material to the side. You grin, swinging a leg over the toy until you’re straddling it. “Rapid fire question! Whoever guesses the right amount of orgasms I can take before I call quits… Wins a special unreleased photoset of me! Go!”

dom.cheol: 5

universe_WZ: 4

sleepy_wonu: 6

angelhan: 3 artist8hao: 5

alphagyu97: everyone took all the good numbers already!!! 7!!!!!

gentleman_josh95: DMAN IT 3

tangerine_kwan: 8, fuck

kitty_junjun: ugh i was gonna say 4!!!!

xcaliburDK: i was gonna say 5!!!!

therealchan99: 2? thats so low tho….

chwenon: as if anyone is gonna say 1, lmao. Uh 6…. If sleepy_wonu happens to disappear

hoshi_tiger_xx: im gonna say 10, but… seems… risky

Reaching for the remote, you situate yourself until the raised part of the toy sits directly on your clit. A shiver runs up your spine at the feeling; already excited for what’s in store. “Um, to be fair I haven’t tried it myself yet so I’m not sure either... Hehe, but I guess we’ll find out together, huh?”

Gulping, you set the sybian to its lowest setting, the air getting knocked out of your lungs immediately as your body lurches forward. “H--holy shit!” The vibrations are already harsh on the lowest setting; your fingers gripping the remote tightly as you try to adjust to the feeling. “O--oh my g-god, I--”

dom.cheol: aww can ur cute lil clit take it?

xcaliburDK: maybe one of the lower numbers was right lol…

The moans spill freely from your lips, garbled noises getting lost in the mix when you start to grind against the vibration. “Fuck, it--it feels suh--so good, hah, already feel like ‘m gonna cum…” You whine, already getting lost in the pleasure. For a second, you’re tempted to raise the vibration intensity but you hold back, letting your wetness coat the toy as you continue to grind down onto it. The sound of donations and comments sound fuzzy to your ears; only the sound of the sybian buzzing reminding you that the camera was still even on.

“Ngh, g-god, I’m--I’m gonna cum!”

tangerine_kwan has donated $75

xcaliburDK has donated $50

dom.cheol has donated $200

dom.cheol: cmon, lets see that pretty pussy cum

Your legs shake as you cum, only a squeak coming out of your mouth as you lurch forward atop the toy. The grip you have on the remote loosens while simultaneously trying to turn it off in the midst of your orgasm.

dom.cheol: awww cumming so hard on the first setting? Cute

therealchan99: lol baby is in trouble now

angelhan: maybe 3 was right lmao

“I--a-ah, fu--fuck!” You cry, shaky fingers finally managing to shut the toy off. Your body immediately untenses; chest heaving with how sensitive you already were and it had only been your first orgasm and the lowest setting of the toy. “O-oh my g-god, I--I didn’t know i-it was that s-strong…” You mumble, body buzzing with the remnants of your orgasm.

sleepy_wonu: well mr dom.cheol did pay top dollar

gentleman_josh95: imagine if u had this for yesterdays show lol

“Oh god, if--if I had this for yesterday’s show, I would’ve been too boneless to do today’s show!” You laugh airily, slowly grinding against the toy already. “It feels really nice though… I’m already super curious about how strong the other settings are…” Trailing off, you reach for the remote again, throat dry as you fiddle with the knob.

kitty_junjun: what if u set it to the max setting

chwenon: idk if her cute lil body could take it

dom.cheol: its okay baby, take ur time. I wanna see how sensitive that pussy of yours can get

“But ‘m already so sensitive~ I dunno how much more I can take~” You tease, biting your lip when all the comments flooding the chat are words of encouragement.

You knew when you started camming that it’d be no easy job. Building up your fanbase and subscriber count had taken you months upon months to even get within the thousands and camming was physically exhausting. Some days your viewer counts were low and some days they were above average and sometimes you didn’t make as much in one show than another.

tangerine_kwan: was therealchan99 right with 2 then? Heh

therealchan99: finally FINALLY ITS MY TIME TO SHINE

Giggling, you slowly start turning the knob; body twitching when the vibrations kick in at full force.

Seungcheol watches in amazement at the way your body jerks atop the machine.

He can see the way your legs twitch unbearably when you cum for the third time; your brows furrowed at the intensity of the vibrations and your taut body when you can barely manage to turn the machine off.

Licking his lips, he slowly thrusts up into his closed palm, spreading the precum down his shaft as he watches you catch your breath.

“I--ngh, fuh--fuck, I---I don’t--don’t know if I--I can cum a-again…”

Seungcheol moans at your breathy whimpers; the arousal in his body pooling up quickly when he sees the fucked out expression in your eyes. His eyes flit to the wetness that coats the silicone portion of the toy, smirking when he realizes how much you really seemed to enjoy the gift he’d gotten you.

Mentally patting himself on the back, he praises himself for making the right decision.

angelhan: please tlel me im the winner im begging

universe_WZ: NO

dom.cheol: is the princess tired already? ;)

You catch your breath, not wanting to give up despite how fuzzy your head was getting and how much your body was buzzing. “I dunno… We still haven’t tried the last setting, you guys… And I’m just so curious...” You whisper, hazy eyes staring into the camera.

hoshi_tiger_xx: god u look so pretty like this, all fucked out

artis8hao: right? fuck, id kill to be that guy who can get u off like this

xcaliburDK: goddamn same

The sound of coins clinking mixes with the ringing in your ears; fingertips already on the knob of the remote.

You take a deep breath, letting the adrenaline kick in as you quickly set the knob to the highest setting, a high pitched cry spilling from your lips when you let go of the remote in favor of holding onto the machine instead. Grinding down onto it, you meet the toy's harsh vibrations as it quickly forces another orgasm out of you in the matter of seconds.

Choked cries spill from your lips as your entire body tenses up; body twitching uncontrollably as you cum for the fourth time. You lean back with whatever energy you have left, bracing yourself on the back of the toy as you relieve your swollen clit of the buzzing machine. Your orgasm refuses to stop and you can already tell how obscenely wet everything’s gotten when your head starts to clear.

alphagyu97: fuck you squirted all over the toy baby

universe_WZ: fuck fucki fuck

universe_WZ: wait did i winf kjfhdsjk

You shakily slide off of the machine, resting on your side as the machine still buzzes with life next to you. Your entire body won’t stop shaking, head muddled as you fight the urge to shut your eyes and sleep for the next 5 days. “I’m--I--” You whimper, still feeling the phantom vibrations between your legs.

“I--ho--holy fuck, I, w-wow, I--I don’t--that--I’m, I’m just… wow.”

dom.cheol has donated $400

dom.cheol: knew you’d like it ;)

universe_WZ: THAT MEANS I WON

universe_WZ has donated $150

angelhan has donated $150

therealchan99: well, at least some of us got close

hoshi_tiger_xx: fuckin speak for urself man i said /10/

You end the show after letting ‘universe_WZ��� know you’ll contact him soon, shutting your eyes as you lay on your soiled sheets.

You can still feel your fingertips twitching when your eyes slide shut, chest heaving in deep breaths as you try to relax yourself, momentarily cursing yourself for pushing your body too far for tonight’s show. 

Groaning, you reach for your phone, the screen lighting up with a text from Seungcheol, a simple ‘don’t forget to drink water ;)’ in your notifications and you can’t help but pout.

Seungcheol was nice, almost too nice. Definitely not in a murderer kinda way though, you think. 

He bought you expensive gifts and never asked for anything in return which made you feel bad sometimes. And while the donations and tips you’d made through your camshows was enough to get by with, Seungcheol’s generous donations helped you always make your rent and bills on time without worrying if you’d have enough or not.

You quickly text him back with a smile on your face; hoping that he’ll like what you had to offer.

Seungcheol feels the exact same way he did when you first contacted him offering him a free show, except maybe ten times worse. At first, he’d been a little sad that he hadn’t won your quick little game but this made up for it 20-fold.

The six simple words read ‘want to meet up next friday?’, a small heart emoji next to the question and he’d almost thrown his phone when he read it, hands shakily responding with a simple ‘I’d love to.’ to make it seem like he was calm when he was most definitely not.

His immediate next order of business after replying was to text Namjoon despite how late into the night it already was, begging for the day off and offering to take any shifts or pay cuts in exchange for it. 

All he needed was one day and he swore he’d never miss a day of work ever again.

Namjoon responds with a quick ‘sure, why not’, momentarily confusing him as to why his boss was awake while simultaneously sending Seungcheol into complete panic when he realizes he finally gets to meet you.

The week goes by extremely quickly to Seungcheol; his mood on a completely different level when he offers to pick up Yoongi’s Sunday shift without a complaint. He cleans up all the messes around the roller rink and even offers to do jobs that aren’t his which have Jeongguk raising a brow at the older male.

In the days that lead up to your meeting, Seungcheol looks up a few cafes that you might be interested in and even goes to get an STD exam, not that he’s expecting anything. Safety first, he says.

Your Wednesday show comes and goes, Seungcheol too excited to even get off when he watches you and he even donates an extra $600 at the end of the show; travel spending money, he offers.

And Thursday comes without a hitch and he all but skips to the employee backroom once his shift is over, humming a tune while he changes out of his uniform.

“Hey hyung, no offense, but are you okay?” Jeongguk rests against the locker next to Seungcheol’s open one, brow raised at the blue haired male that beams back at him. “I’m scared, why are you so… giddy. You even offered to take Yoongi-hyung’s weekend shift? What the hell was that about? I’ve never seen him that giddy either.  Man, this place is getting weird, maybe I should quit...”

Seungcheol can’t help but laugh, patting Jeongguk on the shoulder before shutting his locker.

“I have an important meeting tomorrow, that’s all. And don’t quit, ‘cause who else is gonna give me free food.”

While the excitement had him since Saturday, now that it was finally Friday, he was downright nervous.

The two of you had agreed to meet at 2PM in front of the cafe that Seungcheol had picked out and you’d gotten a hotel in town to make it easier on yourself instead of trying to get back to your place too late. Seungcheol had offered to come pick you up, but you had politely declined; instead opting to meet him first before letting him do anything else for you.

And by nature, Seungcheol gets to the cafe 15 minutes early, fidgeting and continuously running his fingers through his hair as he patiently waits. He can feel his palms getting sweaty when he rubs them against his jeans, mentally trying to keep calm and his head floods with all sorts of thoughts; mainly, how he even got into this position with you in the first place. And he gets so distracted that he doesn’t realize you’d be standing watching him zone out for the last 5 minutes.

“Wow, not sure what’s got you so focused but you’re standing so still!”

Seungcheol hears your cute airy laugh that follows, a cherry blush on his cheeks when his eyes meet your smiling face. “I--oh my god…” He whispers, taking in your appearance.

He feels his face buzzing, fingers twitching when he sees you in a cute simple  sundress. “W-wow, you--you’re just… so beautiful. I mean, you’re beautiful on cam too but just, wow, in person? Incredible.” The blush reaches his ears when he realizes he’s rambling, a nervous laugh spilling out of his lips.

“S--sorry, I, uh, usually I’m more chill than this but y’know…” He trails off, to which you nod. You step closer to Seungcheol and he gets a hint of your sweet smelling perfume, mentally groaning when your cute eyes peer up into his.

“That’s okay! I totally understand~ I’m kinda nervous myself too, to be honest…” You pause, a pink blush coating your own cheeks. “But let’s talk over some food, huh?”

Seungcheol doesn’t want to pry, but he’s not sure if he should address you as ‘Cherry’ in person, or if he should avoid calling you by anything at all.

He watches as you go through the cafe’s menu, biting the inside of his cheek as he itches to ask.

“‘Cheol… I can feel you staring, y’know.. Penny for your thoughts?” You ask, concerned eyes meeting his nervous ones.

“I just-- Sorry, I didn’t mean to be awkward, I just was wondering how I should address you in person? I don’t want to overstep my bounds, I know you don’t put your real name out there so…”

You place your menu down, closing it before leaning on your palms atop the small table. Seungcheol is cute, too cute, you think. You knew this would be a question when the two of you eventually met and you had given yourself the time to get used to the idea that he’d know your real name.

He eyes hyperfocus on your glossy lips, watching as you say your name for him for the first time.

Seungcheol’s heart threatens to beat out of his chest when he hears it; repeating it over and over in his head before he says it out loud.

“Wow, it sounds nice when it’s you saying it~” You tease, leaning back in your chair. “I don’t mind if you call me by my name, by the way! The pet names are cute but maybe we should keep that to the bedroom~” You end in a whisper, winking at the male.

Fuck, he thinks, just as his cock throbs at your comment. He really wishes you wouldn’t say things like that because he’s weak and he knows it, especially when it comes to you. “Okay, cool! Yeah, sorry, I just---I didn’t want to overstep, I know you don’t really let that be public information.”

“Of course! And thank you, I really can’t tell you how much you’ve done for me. I really… really wouldn’t be able to do all the things that I do if it weren’t for your constant support.”

You want to say more, but the waiter comes to take your orders, cutting you off until he leaves again.

“By the way…” Seungcheol looks at you with curious eyes, lips puckered around his drink straw. “Tell me about yourself, ‘Cheollie! I feel like we didn’t really get to talk that one time!”

He swallows the water in his mouth, licking his dry lips. Here goes nothing, he thinks.

“I swear, and please don’t think I’m a loser, but I--I work at a roller rink. It’s really not cool, I’m not some high paid CEO or whatever, I--I just, I work hard?” Seungcheol chuckles, running a hand through his hair as he waits for your reply.

“Wait, that’s so cool! Oh my gosh, I kinda wanna go!”

The surprise washes over Seungcheol, eyes wide as saucers when he hears you saying you’d want to visit his workplace. “Wuh---wait, seriously!?”

“Yeah! It’s kinda, like, retro! I haven’t been to one since I was a kid!” He quickly offers to bring you to the roller rink on Sunday so you could have somewhere to hang out while you were in town.

“And sadly, I took a shift on Sunday so you can hang with me while I work.” 

Seungcheol grins, watching as you jokingly roll your eyes at him. “So you did it on purpose, huh…” The two of you share a laugh, glad that your first meeting seemed to be going okay so far.

“Well, I mean, if it makes you feel any better, my best friend works the concession stand so I’ll make sure to get you a free pair of skates and food whenever you want?”

“It’s a deal!”

The two of you continue to talk over your late lunch, Seungcheol telling you of the various work hijinks he’d gone through at his time working at the roller rink.

“Which, by the way, that morning show you did… Hope you know I holed up in the restroom for an entire hour for that ‘lil stunt.”

You can’t help the tears that fall from your eyes when you laugh, only feeling slightly bad for the blue haired male. “But I told you! Sometimes it’s just like that, y’know~” You tease back, heart blooming at the way you and Seungcheol got along.

In all honesty, there’d been something on your mind since you first sat down and you didn’t know when the right time to ask was, or if it was even appropriate.

The smile slips from your face as you bite the inside of your cheek in thought.

Seungcheol takes the bill from the waiter, slipping his card into the holder before you can even offer. But he notices the way your expression falls, noting the hesitance in your eyes when he looks at you from across the table.

“Are you okay? What’s wrong?” His voice is gentle, soft and caring when he leans over the table to make sure you’re alright.

“Yeah! Just---Can I ask you for a favor?”

[the-wild-wolves-around-you]

Tumblr stop deleting the readmore. Let me rant in peace 😒

FUCK i am 🤏🏽 close to running away to live in the wilderness somewhere 😤

Every day I hate my job more and goddamn more but i have literally no other option but to just suck it up. My boss has NO boundaries and messages me at any time of the day or night or on weekends, and im expected to reply IMMEDIATELY no matter what. Even when i take “vacations” (which i dont) or when im sick (EVEN WITH COVID) im expected to meet deadlines regardless.

I do get to WFH so i get up at like 8-9 and just work in my pjs all day, and it is “creative writings” so im technically reading books every day. But theyre “male power fantasy” books that legitmately (no joke) make me want to step in front of cars on a daily basis. The audience for these books are every incel fucking idiot misogynist on reddit, so we write dummed down porn basically. And i have nothing against porn, but the fact that there cant be any other men in these books except the MC bc the readers are so insecure tell you everything you need to know 🙃 And every time my boss berates me for something stupid like “oh the women cant roll their eyes ever bc men dont like that” i just want to SCREAM 😤

Honestly if i was back in my home state, I would have quit already. But im out of state and basically living pay check to pay check on my sole income since my fiance isnt working while he finishes law school. I have like $20 left in my account every month after bills and expenses, so if i quit, i have literally NO safety net. I wouldnt have enough for one months rent or even have enough to move back home. Which makes me super fucking anxious like… all the time. When i first started getting jobs, I saved up and made sure I always had at least $1000 in case shit happens (and bc i grew up poor lol yay trauma) and now I dont have enough for a night of takeout.

To top it off, my cars been dead for like a year bc I dont have the money to re-register it or actually get it running, so Im just stuck in the house all day 🤗

And idk how to explain this constant money anxiety to my fiance bc he grew up rich and white and his parents still send him money for things every so often just cuz. But here i am, sending MY parents money sometimes even if I dont have it and staying up at night wondering how tf im gonna pay for my parents when my dad gets too old to do his contracting work. (Hes 60, with a shit ton of injuries, so prob soon). Im wondering if I can yank out my own IUD later this yr bc i dont have money to see a doctor. Im wondering what will happen if our dogs get sick or if we have an accident.

I know if any of this happens, ill figure something out. I always do. Im the eldest daughter, the “golden child,” I cant fail.

But fuck… sometimes i just get so tired of fighting. Sometimes I just want someone to take care of me…

[the-angry-pixie]

camboy AU... but make it romantic

Camboy Bill AU feat. the OT7.

- basic stuff really

- Bill is a camboy (billoncam) on those websites that I don’t know enough about to be able to give a name.

- and he does sessions every few days in private chatrooms

- mostly solo stuff - either a vibrator or dildo in his ass whilst jacking it to the camera

- his fans love him because he is really chatty and responsive. and when he gets really turned on, he stutters. he always moans and thanks the person when someone sends him a tip - its like the tip button is directly connected to his vibrator, the way he moans every time it *dings*

- he has regulars. people who always seem to tune in and leave lots of tips. he comes to recognise their usernames.

- “welcome mikey-mike. i hope you’re having a good week.”

- “its good to see you again bigdickrich, what filthy things are you gonna say to me today?”

- stuff like that.

- he holds competitions among viewers - whoever gives him the most tips in a session gets to choose a name for him to call out when he cums

- as a result billoncam ends up moaning out “oh fuck carsforeddie! oh fuck you feel so good carsforeddie! oh fuck OH FUCK!” a lot.

- like previously stated, he’s known for his highly interactive solo stuff but every now and then his audience gets a guest appearance from other people. it always seems to be the same guys but we never get to see their faces 

- one has lovely golden skin that matches his golden curls that Bill loves to grab onto when he’s fucking him

- the other is this buff dude with dark blonde body hair that makes the most delicious sounds when he’s railing Bill

- thats right, billoncam be versatile as fuck

- even more versatile than first anticipated because one time during a session Bill is holding a photo on his phone up to show the camera and he accidentally swipes to the next photo which is of some redhead woman lying on a bed in lingerie

- the comment section goes wild and Bill is like “oh fuck, oh fuck you weren’t meant to see that, ah ha ha ha lets forget that happened pls” and he goes on with the session. trying to ignore all the questions hounding him about who the fuck that was and why was she on his bed??

- two days later when billoncam is next scheduled to cam it is immediately obvious that things are very different when the session starts on a shot of Bill sitting fully-clothed talking straight to camera

- “thanks for tuning in everyone. I just felt I wanted to do something a bit different today. There’s been lots of discussion and questions about what happened the other day and I’ve thought about it a lot and have decided that I would like to be honest with you. This is a part of who I am and I don’t want to feel ashamed of that. So the truth is... I’m bisexual. And this...”

- Bill holds up his phone showing a photo of Bill and the redhead from the lingerie photo hugging each other and smiling giddily at the camera

- “... this is Bev. She’s my girlfriend.”

- again, the comment section goes wild. Obviously Bill has been camming himself on a website for gay men and well... gays can still be mean and weird sometimes when it comes to bisexuality.

- “I know. I know. It’s not what you’ve come to expect from me. I’m sorry if you’re offended or something. Well actually I’m not sorry at all. I would never be sorry for being in love with Bev. She’s my rock. We’ve been together for so long and she means the world to me. And the only reason I’m showing her face on here is because she’s given me full permission. In fact she has her own camming channel. Which I can link you to if there are any fellow bi’s out there.”

- Because the internet is the internet, Bill notices he’s losing viewers quickly, but he’s kind of happy to note that some of his regulars are among the ones being super supportive

- sitonthis: you’re not really gay. get the fuckk outta here!

mikey-mike: thanks for being honest with us Bill. I’m bi too and some people on here need to be quiet and stop being rude.

erotic-cum-on-my-hole: where’s the dick??

bigdickrich: daaaaaaaaaaamn Bill. she’s fuckign hot! gimme dat link please >______>

br000ny: sick of these bi s trickin on us. im out.

carsforeddie: YO EVERYONE NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LEAVE BILL ALOONE!@! WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO DATE BILL?! HE’S FUCKING GORGEOUS AND PERFECT!! I SWEAR TO GOD YOU ALL NEED TO MEET ME IN THE PARKING LOT RIGHT THE FUCK NNOW!!e@!

- but it doesn’t stop there. Bill has more to tell. He doesn’t get naked at all that session. But he does come clean about being polyamorous. Apparently Bill and Bev were together for years before she started dating Ben. Who then eventually started dating Bill as well (mystery solved on who buff dude is). And then a little while after that Bill started dating Stan who also began dating everyone else eventually (mystery number two solved on who golden curls is)

- of course to respect privacy Bill doesn’t give names or photos for those two (they’re not into camming and only ever fuck Bill on cam as a favour cause they know Bill loves it so much). But he does wax poetic for a further half an hour on just how much he loves all his partners and then unexpectedly signs off.

- billoncam disappears for awhile. his sessions just suddenly stop. his fans reckon its probably got to do with the negative response he got to coming out as bi. 

- they try to reach out to him on his social media but never with any luck. its funny, billoncam’s sessions have weirdly become a bit of community thing. its strange. the regulars all kind of know each other and it feels wrong to not be coming all together (pun not intended) a few times a week on Bill’s channel. but whatever, it doesn’t matter anymore because it seems billoncam is no more. he’s been scared away.

- struggling radio personality Richie Tozier is definitely not expecting to run into Bill aka. billoncam in a random Los Angeles Starbucks one day. But he does. Thats him. That’s totally fucking him. The only way Richie could be more sure is if Bill whipped his junk out in the middle of this cafe.

- Richie is so stunned he can’t even think what to say. How to approach this guy that he has been jacking off to for the last year or so. 

- He ends up chasing Bill down the street and kind of pouncing on him. 

- Bill is understandably wary at first. But of course he’s kind of charmed by this nervous motormouth with his ridiculously syrupy-looking frappuccino concoction. Its strange how familiar he seems. He almost whispers the name to himself just as Richie practically yells “Oh by the way. I’m bigdickrich. Did I mention that? I might have forgotten to mention that. Fuck!”

- And well, a week or two later... billoncam makes a comeback suddenly.

- And he’s got a companion. A companion who is showing his face. Bill’s regulars know they definitely haven’t seen this guy (or his body) before but they don’t mind at all since the session is so much more intense because they can see both participants for once. And this new guy is very cute. In a hairy, gangly, bedraggled kind of way.

- Bill introduces the guy as his new friend. He says his new friend convinced him to come back online. And his new friend even gave permission for their first time together to be filmed live.

- New Friend’s eyebrows wiggle at the camera behind his thick dark-framed glasses

- this sends a thrill through the audience obviously. such an intimate thing that theyre witnessing. New Friend doesnt seem to mind though. In fact he seems to lap up the attention and is very willing to take suggestions from the audience of just what he should do to Bill. 

- the vibrator and dildo remain untouched on the bed that day. 

- and its right at the end, still panting and sweating and coming down from their highs that Bill mentions that his New Friend is a previous audience member.

- “some of you might recognise the username. This is bigdickrich. Sooo... I guess we now know he wasn’t exaggerating with that name ha ha” to which Richie just grins at the camera holding his hands up under his chin.

- the comment section goes BONKERS!

- carsforeddie: THAT ANNOYING CRUDE SON OF A BITCH!! WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS THE UNIVERSE SO UNFAIR! FUCK!”

mikey-mike: good for you bigdickrich. you’re a real lucky guy. 

twinksfordays: i want to choke on bigdickrich’s cock

carsforeddie: HOW?! HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?! EW I JUST JACKED IT TO THAT ASSHOLE! FUCK I NEED TO SHOWER”

- Bill and Richie giggle and converse with the commenters for awhile and then sign off.

- billoncam returns to regularly camming again. much the way he was before. mostly solo. though sometimes with guest stars. and Richie becomes a more and more frequent feature. He’s the only one (besides Bev popping in now and then) who shows his face.

- and then, billoncam hits 100,000 subscribers

- and Bill. Well he has to make it special right? So he auctions himself off. There has to be some careful wording and labelling so that he can’t be done for prostitution but... essentially Bill auctions off the chance for him to travel and spend the night with the highest bidder.

- of course carsforeddie is not going to let this opportunity slide by him. He’s a successful businessman. He might only be 25 but he’s got money to burn and he’s been loving lusting after billoncam for a LONG TIME

- its undisclosed just how much Eddie Kaspbrak, luxury car rental business owner ends up paying for billoncam to fly to New York and spend the night with him - for legal reasons obviously. And no, Eddie does not give permission for the deed to be filmed.

- But! Its perfectly legal to say that the 2nd time Bill fucks Eddie - the 3rd, the 4th, the 5th and the 6th and all the times that follow - are done completely for free!

- Ben jokes to Richie privately about them going to need to move into a bigger house if Bill keeps adding people to this relationship.

- It becomes less of a joke and more of a reality as Eddie moves permanently to Los Angeles 6 months (and lots of trips to LA) later.

- And thats it. Theyre nearly there. There’s just one more thing missing. One more piece to the puzzle. Bill doesn’t know why he feels this way. He just does.

- Luckily Mike Hanlon (aka as mikey-mike) has been unknowingly working away on this very thing for months. Not that he would have dared to assume that anything would happen when he slid into billoncam’s DM’s 18 months ago.

- He’s just a country boy from bumfuck nowhere. There’s no reality in this universe where he and the likes of billoncam would ever cross paths. But he enjoys talking to him. They have a lot of laughs. And Bill is surprisingly sweet and very well spoken. They like a lot of the same things. The same literature, the same sports teams. Bill is always asking after the animals on Mike’s family’s farm. Mike wishes he could get to know him better. 

- Bill wants the same thing. He’d give anything to meet the sweet-souled farmboy from Maine who brightens Bill’s day whenever he gets a new message from him. I mean, it helps that he’s also gorgeous with the most wonderful smile, but thats beside the point.

- Bill ends up putting his money where his mouth is. Just enough to buy a return plane ticket to LA, so that Mike can come visit him, and cover the cost of a hotel room (ya know, in case he doesn’t want to stay with Bill and the rest of them. Bill would never want to make him uncomfortable).

- Needless to say Mike fits right into the family almost immediately. 

- its a couple of months later and billoncam still exists, but its like a relic now. Bill pours all his creative energy into his new channel “the-lucky-seven”. Its a channel shared by everyone and its outrageously popular. Sure there are still a few individuals who are too shy or anxious to show their faces but the audience doesn’t seem to care. There’s so much variety to be found on the channel. Different combinations of people doing a live cam nearly every second day. 

- they’re all unapologetic, they all love each other, and they don’t mind sharing it with the world. 

- :) :) :) :) B) :) :)

----

Did I really just write a romance story about camming? Why yes, I think I did. Ha Ha. Hope you enjoyed. :)

[prorevenge]

After months of putting up with my roommate from hell, I got the revenge of lifetime and screwed her over out of a fuckton of money and got her to pay rent and life has never been sweeter! (This is a long one)

This is a long one but very much worth the ride, so buckle up. (also, English isn't my native lang, sorry if there are any mistakes)

This story takes place a couple of years back. During college, I lived with several roommates, all of them were nice and we got along well, except for this one bitch, let's call her Karen. if Satan and Hitler had a child and that child had a child with Stalin and Cruella de Vil, that would be Karen for you, she is a loud-mouthed stupid, egocentric bitch who has the face that scare the shit out of a toilet. She would never clean up after herself, she would always leave her plates and things at the spot where she last used them. I have lost counts of how many times, I caught her stealing my clothes without asking and if you so much as touch her clothes she loses her shit on you, or her drinking our lactose-intolerant roommates almond milk and any time we confronted her for drinking it, she would shrug and say "I only had a sip, stop being so stingy." She plays her music loud at night, invites stranger without giving any heads up, a time or two she didnt pay rent even though her parents are FILTHY RICH and she is wearing gucci and prada shit, Karen also fucking lies about everything, even things that are not worth lying about. like if she woke up 7, and you ask her, she'll lie through her fucking teeth and say she rose with the sun rise because she is a natural. (ps, this is something i actually heard her say to her parents while she was skypeing them....so cringy, who the fuck says that? but i digress)

Months we have fucking put up with her, of course we tried to get other roommates but unfortunately when we all moved in everything, all documents and contracts were done in her name so kicking her out would require a lot of effort and most of us were busy with school and work and life happens. So we ignore it as much as we can and try to move on.

We are now all seniors and in our final semesters, meaning graduation was coming, AND Karen is planning a backpack trip across Europe with her friends as a graduation gift to herself, this is important so remember this.

One of our roommates and my closest friend, Sasha, has had a crush on a guy that lives down the hall. Any time the two of them are together, Sasha and the Guy keep giving each other googly eyes and blushing faces; it was sooo cute. Sasha is a verbal autistic person and has never dated anyone because she has a hard time with socializing and understanding social ques and subtlety, which lets face it, that is the core of dating, especially flirting but with a lot of encouragement from me and the final roommate, Lola we got her to ask him out. He said yes. She was so happy, you guys, she flew back into the apartment and did an hour of happy dance with her arms flailing about and a shit eatin grin on her face; needless to say we were all so happy. Karen caught wind of this and it just so happens at that time she was having relationship problems, I guess her bf finally realized he's dating human garbage. Not one to be outshined, Karen behind all of our backs went to the guy's place and spun lies about Sasha, saying she is a serial cheater and even made a fake account for Sasha's so called bf. the guy never called Sasha, and eventually weeks passed by he told us why but by then Sasha felt like the damage was done and lost interest in him.

I. WAS. FUCKING. FURIOUS.

This, this level of dickery and bloody pettiness is the straw that finally broke the camel's back and I vowed I wouldn't fucking leave until I served my slice of justice. Here's another character that you must know about, Prof C. His wife two years ago was in a horrible car accident and as a result is in a wheelchair, this is especially problematic because she was a stay home mom that took care of their two special needs kids and they have a toddler at home. Home life is a mess for him, he is running ragged between working and single-handedly is taking care of his family, the uni took pity and also feared the workload would see one of their best and most beloved teachers leave the school struck a deal with him to help him out. In all of his classes there will be quizzes and midterms, this doesnt change, but assignments you submit and he corrects at the end of the year, this is important cuz our uni has zero tolerance on proffs that dont constantly update the students course works so that students have the chance to improve their grades.

Karen, the lazy and stupid bitch she is, is somehow skating through his assignments, even though they require a shit tone of research and writing. I accidentally learned that one of her older friends told her that she only needs submit the paper on its due date and to only write the first 3 pages and use a paraphrase tool for the rest of the paper so the plagiarism software wont detect it and would think its original material and when the end of the year comes, submit a hard copy but with the first pages being her actual work and the rest being completely plagiarized, professional work. Prof C won't know cuz the likelihood a man as busy as him thoroughly checking the work of 120+ students is pretty low. I grinned. A plan was beginning to formulate in my head. Oh, sweet mother of Jesus, she is going down! All semester long I let her do this for all of the 7 papers, one of them which is a term paper that has 20% on it alone, all the while I spied and gathered all of her pass codes, social media, her student ID, everything.

The end of the year came and I compiled all of her assignments, both the original one with the paraphrasing tools she used to circumvent plagiarism and the one she finally handed them in, and I even made photos were there are side-to-side comparison of the assignments. This is a good start but not enough. So, One day chillin at the living room I open a conversation about relationships, Karen is two timing her new boyfriend and is sleeping with some other Person. so, I ask her questions like "don't you feel guilty for cheating?" and "You do realize this is wrong?" and I even paraphrase my words in a way that is vague but also clear, for example I would say "It's not fair, so many people work so hard everyday to be successful and you are here cheating and lying your way to success." Karen, narcissistic as fuck, would respond with snippets of I dont care and how she isnt cheating, she is only having fun and that everyone does it so why not her too. This is too good to be true, even her answers are vague, its like god put his hand on my shoulder, looked me right in the eyes and said, "burry this bitch". and Id be damned if I didnt. As you probably have guessed it by now, I was recording EVERYTHING. The recording plus the photos, and her assignments were more than enough evidence, I sent an anonymous email to the Professor, and i tell the girls so that they can prep for the shit storm thats coming. Three weeks later, results are out. she failed and LOST HER SHIT. She was screamin, crying, wailing, what a sight to see! you best believe, the girls and I were laughing. She tried to talk to the prof, but he was not having it. she cried and begged for a second chance but he said a hard no. So now she has two options: she goes ahead and doesn't graduate with us, and takes on a whole 'nother semester for one measly course or take summer course and cancel her trip to Europe, which mind you she spent a fuckton on, something like 13, 000$ and I know it could have been much cheaper but Princess Karen only wanted the best so yh. The next couple of weeks she spent sleepless nights because she was calling and cancelling all the reservations she made, tryin to get her money back BUT (again, GOD really was out for blood that day) because the cancellation was so close to some her trip most places refused to refund, or some charged her cancellation fees. She only managed to scrap 5.5 K back together, lossin 7.5 K. OUCH!

Its not over, having damning evidence I, with earned gusto, told her she was going to pay all of the bills till we move out, which was in two months, payback for all the times she was late on payment or defaulted and she would from now do her part of the house chores or else Im gonna send it all to the admin and faculty dean and she will fo sho be kicked out and all those uni years will have been for nothing. She hated it, she fucking threw tantrums and cussed me out but my god if she didnt do whats told. she cleaned her stuff, apologized to Sasha for what she did, I forced her to come clean to her BF (dont know the guy but the few times i met him he was super sweet to us and i felt bad for the guy), I watched her actually do the dishes for the first time in like years. IT was fucking amazing and I don't regret it one bit. In fact, anytime I feel sad now as an adult, i kick back my feet and reminiscine and a slow shit eatin grin draws itself upon my face.

tl;dr roommate was super mean, i found out she was cheating on her assignments and so i snitched on her and as a result she had to stay the summer and retake the class again or else she wouldn't graduate.

(source) story by (/u/let-the-write-one-in)

[malandi]

superhero au thoughts

reigen is trying to make it big as a world class hero and mob is his sidekick

teru is a villain terrorising seasoning city by grave misuse of his powers

examples include: snowstorms to cancel classes because he's not confident he's gonna get an A on the upcoming quiz

earthquake in the neighboring city so his favourite heavy metal band would skip that venue and get to seasoning city early

makeup store robbing sprees because he maxed out his credit card for the month

among other shenanigans

reigen is eventually sent to deal with him but his special lecturing kids move is -9999 effective so he deploys mob

teruki arc proceeds as canon

If this is an aged up au:

mob faces the same dilemma as saitama does and seriously reconsiders his career path

he and teru are the rivals

mob decides he wants to be a vet and quits his hero job

the world is shaken but not as much as teruki who suddenly has no purpose in life anymore

he tries to continue being a villain but the other heroes don't give him the same thrill also he's not in love with them so that sucks

teru and mob cross paths not as their hero/villain alters but teru recognizes him and goes feral

you left me you son of a bitch!!!!!!

after mob yeets him into the sky they have a heart to heart talk about what they really want in life

mob straight up tells him it's not healthy to be too dependent on a person

teru's like oh. then mob wishes him luck

teru decides he wants to be a commoner now, to be a peasant, to be an ordinary person~~~~~~

he romanticises catching the next train, paying the bills and doing groceries so much he sells his mansion and his headquarters and rents a cheap apartment

and gasp mob is his roommate!!!! life could not be better and he and mob do normal people things together like sleeping through the alarm and doing laundry and eating cheap food

he doesn't immediately realize that mob is actually poor and not doing this for the aesthetic

mob is surprised that teru's here and he's a bit weirded out by how happy teru is whenever they're threatened to get kicked out for paying the rent late among other misfortunes

ritshou time:

ritsu always wanted to be a superhero like his brother

his views on heroes are warped because he determines their value based on their powers and not by their morals

he's still afraid of his brothers powers because of how they tend to escape him

the ???% incident still took place

when he awakened his powers he decided to become a villain but infringed on teru's territory who knocked him out with a handshake

claw arc proceeds as is so ritsu is okay now and wants to be his brothers sidekick

he is pissed that reigen calls mob his sidekick and would've challenged him long ago if not for his brother

shou is part of a villain org but he thinks his dad is a super lame villain so he's still gunna betray him

he really really really wants ritsu to be his rival so he messes with him a lot

he uses his invisibility powers to sneak into ritsu's classroom, stand behind his seat then call the teacher names so he would get in trouble

then he'd leave a note in ritsu's locker, something like

had enough? think you can handle more?

shou spreads a rumour that ritsu likes this girl and now everyone thinks ritsu has a girlfriend

ritsu doesn't care enough to address it and now shou feels weird

that plan backfired on him big time

next he ties mob's shoelaces together while he's jogging with the body improvement club

ritsu finally snaps, engages in battle and gets his ass kicked

shou is hyped because he thinks ritsu will seek his revenge

ritsu doesn't

shou posts on the villain forums for advice

there's this super cool hero i want him to be my rival but he won't notice me here's a list of the things I've done what more should i do?

teru replies (he's popular on these forums) god SAME these heroes are so annoying ashkdldofif why won't they hate us back

and serizawa comments there like

speaking as an ex-hero, generally we're not really into making rivals, we're just trying to stop crime, at least that's my take on it

shou and the rest of the super 5 only responds with keyboard smashes

AVDKDLDMRKIE??? hxxkdkdnehbw

on god???? for real is this facts??

that's so unsexy im gajskskdje

touichirou posts heroes are lame and immediately gets banned

teru complains who the hell is that touichirou guy he's like so fucking lame but i see him everywhere with his cold takes and he gets so many upvotes he breaks the previous record

shou is embarrassed. this teru guy was internet famous and made the best villain vlogs. he hates his dad so fucking much

shou time:

shou is a very moral guy but legally speaking? hm

he thinks laws are worthless because of how the government is run

laws only apply to the poor but not to the rich apparently and he just had to lmao on that

that's why he agrees to be a villain

but upon seeing that his dad's just the exact same as the current establishment he's like wtf? what's the purpose of overthrowing the government then?

touichirou:......... i get to be in charge

shou has a breakdown over the fact that his dad is an actual child

then he goes to ritsu for help because you're a hero right uwu? you wanna stop my dad?

ritsus like oh okay let me ask my brother he can clean this up real quick

this was not as planned. shou wanted this to be between him and ritsu only. they'd be a rad, fabulous ass kicking pair and when the romantic night of crimefighting was over maybe ritsu would ask him to join his minecraft server

but he says ok because he's not actually a child like his dad is

personally shou thinks the government should still be overthrown and be replaced by, maybe reigen, mob was the best option but he hasn't even graduated high school yet so that could be a bit of a problem

but anyone's better than his dad so for now he leaves the government uprising alone

serizawa time:

he was fed anti-hero propaganda by touichirou

there were some actual good points there like how the top heroes did things for money and reputation now and how they viewed people as a means to an end instead of actual humans

and threats that his powers would only be abused by the government

but if he joined touichirou he wouldn't be controlled

100% friendship still happens

[soflsms]

   ( sorry  I'm  late  to  the  party  im  in  pst  so  i  was  at  work  til  now  sdkfjl )  ANYWHO  hi  pals  what  the  h*ck  is  up  !!  im  chloe  ,  im  21  ,  i  use  she / her  pronouns  &  im  a  broke  a$$  geography  major  !!   i  am  SO  excited  to  be  her  &  get  to  rp  with  all  y’all  bc  judging  by  your  apps  skdflj  i  fuck  with  u  all  .  anywho  ill  stop  my  rambling  ,  below  the  readmore  is  stuff  about  sofie  &  some  wcs !!  

trigger  warning  !!  sex  work  ,  deportation  ,  neglect  ,  bad  writing  ,  alcoholism  &  substance  abuse

HAILEY BALDWIN  /  SHE/HER  /  TWENTY TWO  /  BILLIE EILISH VC

welcome to los angeles , sofie almeda ! the glitterati has been watching you . rumour has it you made your first mark in the industry two years ago & that your net worth currently stands at  8m . it seems as though you’re enjoying being a  singer since relocating from  harlem , new york city . some might say you’d be a good fit for the glitterati due to your hollywood ranking being a solid  #3, & it helps that fans speak so highly of your  individualistic & assiduous ways . unfortunately , our sources cite that those closest to you aren’t particularly impressed with your  self-destructive & choleric tendencies .

stats

name  :   sofie sydney almeda

nicknames  :   sof

age  :  twenty - two  .

birthday  :  december  eleventh  .

zodiac  :  sagittarius  .

gender  :  cisfemale  (  though  doesn’t  vibe  with  the  idea  of  being  STRICTLY  a  WoMaN  ,  she  finds  labels  restrictive  )  .

pronouns  :  she    &    her  .

height  :  5 ′ 6 ″  .

hometown  :    recife  ,  brazil  &  harlem  ,  new  york  city  .

nationality  :  american  ,  brazilian  .

ethnicity  :  english  ,  portuguese   .

label(s)  :  the  venereal  ,  the  bellwether  ,  the  opulent  ,   the  anaxiphile   .

occupation  :  singer  (  vc  billie  eilish  )  .  

quirks  :  fidgeting  ,  allergic  to  shellfish  ,  walks  quickly  ,  cracks  knuckles  ,  always  wears  her  lucky  ‘  st  christopher  ’  necklace  from  her  grandmother  ,  has  a  weird  ability  to  talk  herself  out  of  trouble  ,  can  tie  a  cherry  stem  in  her  mouth  ,  messy  emotionally  but  on - point  physically  ,  vvv  bad  driver  ,  loves  a  good  theme  party  ,  can’t  get  through  the  day  without  multiple  cups  of  coffee  ,  refuses  to  wear  glasses  in  public  even  though  she’s  quite  far - sighted  ,  always  carries  hand  sanitizer ,  prefers  rain  over  sunshine  .

background

         her  mother  ,  marcia  almeda  ,  was  a  recent  graduate  from  secondary  school  who  packed  a  backpack  and  went  traveling !! before  long  tho  she  ended  up  knocked  up  by  another  backpacker  ,  this  one  american  ,  while  they  were  having  a  fling  in  sydney  (  hence  sofie’s  middle  name  lmao  @  her  mom’s  humor  )  .  she  flew  back  home  when  she  found  out  &  never  told  sofie’s  father  oops !! so  marcia  had  sofie  at  home  in  recife  just  before  her  nineteenth  birthday  ,  and  marcia  was  enthralled  w  little  sofie  .  ofc  she  inherited  her  mother’s  beauty  (  i  hc  marcia  looks  like  alessandra  ambrosio  bc  hello !  )  &  little  sofie  lived  a  happy  early  childhood  life  in  her  grandparents’  home  in  recife.

         brazil  isn’t  the  safest  of  countries  &  marcia  didn’t  want  the  same  dangers  she  experienced  growing  up  for  her  young  daughter  ,  so  around  sofie’s  eighth  birthday  ,  her  &  her  mother  packed  up  and  went  on  a  ‘ trip  ’  to  new  york  city  .  joke’s  on  sofie  ,  though  -  it  wasn’t  actually  a  trip  ,  but  rly  they  were  trying  to  move  there  to  find  sofie’s  father  to  confirm  his  paternity  and  get  sofie  american  citizenship  .  it  was  proving  more  difficult  than  she  thought  ,  &  marcia  was  quickly  running  out  of  money  .  with  a  face  like  hers  ,  though  ,  making  money  wasn’t  too  difficult  ,  but  it  was  time  consuming  .  marcia  found  herself  escorting  older  men  in  order  to  pay  the  bills  ,  all  the  while  leaving  little  sofie  to  fend  for  herself  .  some  of  her  earliest  memories  are  of  strange  men  in  their  tiny  apartment  &  sofie  trying  to  block  out  their  conversations  with  her  lil  cassette  player  hiding  in  the  corner  of  her  room  .  eventually  ,  marcia  was  able  to  contact  the  father  &  they  set  up  a  meeting  .  sofie  had  gotten  her  hopes  up  that  she  would  finally  have  a  dad  (  she  got  dressed  up  in  her  sunday  best  &  everything  bc  reuniting  her  dad  was  a  BIG  deal  ) ,  but  the  meeting  ended  up  being  a  quick  exchange  of  words  ,  a  mouth  swab  and  a  couple  signatures  .  sofie  never  even  learned  his  name  ,  & this  queued  up  a  lifetime  of  daddy  issues  &  distrust  of  men  !!

        while  marcia  was  able  to  stay  in  america  much  longer  than  she  was  legally  supposed  to  ,  eventually  she  was  facing  deportation  ,  which  meant  lil  sofie  ,  with  her  citizenship  finally  confirmed  ,  was  put  into  the  hands  of  her  father  who  sent  off  to  an  american  boarding  school  in  new  york  without  even  contacting  her  .  she  would  spend  the  summers  in  brazil  with  her  mother  or  ,  as  she  got  older  ,  couch - surfing  with  different  friends  throughout  the  months  .  she  started  growing  apart  from  her  mother  as  she  aged  since  she  wasn’t  going  home  every  summer  since  she  didn’t  rly  feel  any  connection  to  brazil  .  her  grandfather  had  passed  away  &  she  only  has  faint  memories  grandmother  ,  plus  the  city  wasn’t  at  all  familiar  to  her  &  she  wasn’t  practicing  her  portuguese  after  her  mother  returned  to  brazil  .

         through  it  all  ,  music  was  proving  to  be  the  one  constant  in  her  life  she  could  use  to  escape  from  reality  .  she  had  never  done  any  training  or  classes  ,  but  she  just  liked  singing  along  to  whatever  was  on  the  radio  & practicing  on  her  own  .  she  also  found  a  passion  for  writing  poetry  which  she  later  would  realize  was  compatible  with  music  .  she  would  spend  HOURS  in  the  school  library  working  on  garage  band  lmfao  bc  she  couldn’t  afford  her  own  laptop  to  produce  music  &  her  dad  sent  just  enough  money  as  he  was  legally  supposed  to  .  but  she  worked  her  lil  tushy  off  &  applied  to  a  music  academy  in  nyc  &  was  rejected  the  first  year  (  DEVASTATING  when  mixed  with  her  impostor  syndrome  &  daddy  issues ) but  she  practiced  more  &  more  &  edned  up  getting  accepted  the  next  year  .  here  ,  she  worked  on  her  vocal  skills  &  music  production  ,  &  started  accumulating  her  own  music  &  selling  songs  to  music  producers  on  the  side  for  some  ca$h  money  .  

          by  the  time  she  was  16  the  state  decided  she  was  old  /  mature  enough  to  live  on  her  own  so  she  got  a  TINY  lil  studio  apartment  in  harlem  where  she’d  grown  up  with  her  mum  &  she  had  friends  who  she’d  grown  up  with  .  while  it  wasn’t  the  safest  neighbourhood  statistically  sofie  felt  safe  &  just  like  one  of  the  neighbourhood  kids  .  it  was  the  first  time  she  genuinely  felt  like  she  belonged .

        she  was  accepted  on  full  scholarship  to  nyu  & majored  in  music  composition  &  vocal  performance  where  she  started  finally  feeling  secure  in  herself  &  released  her  own  music  on  soundcloud  ,  quickly  amassing  a  following  &  becoming  an  ‘ up  &  coming ‘  artist  !!  she  was  contacted  by  a  scooter  braun  type  guy  who  was  interested  in  taking  her  on  under  his  management  so  she  dropped  out  of  uni  in  her  2nd  year  (  bc  tbh  her  grades  in  anything  other  than  her  music  classes  were  v  subpar  )  .  soon  enough  producers  wanted  to  work  with  her  &  she  was  making  enough  that  she  didn’t  have  to  sell  her  songs  which  she  hated  doing  but  had  to  pay  the  bills  u  know  .  oh  &  her  vc  is  billie  eilish  bc  ofc  shes  my  queen  go  stream  when  we  all  fall  asleep  where  do  we  go  on  spotify  u  won’t  be  disappointed  

        she  also  started  getting  into  the  partying  scene  here  yikes  !! it  was  a  method  for  her  to  numb  all  her  pain  from  her  past  &  impostor  syndrome  &  drown  all  that  out  in  pills  or  tequila  .  it  rly  wasn’t  healthy  bc  of  how  she  would  binge  for  a  weekend  then  try  to  stay  sober  throughout  the  week  but  failing  by  about  wednesday when  she  started  to  feel  hollow  .  she  wasn’t  gonna  be  a  one  hit  wonder  &  her  mom  sure   as  hell  didn’t  go  through  all  that  trouble  just  for  sofie  to  be  a  nobody  addict  !! so  she  kept  it  together  enough  to  start  making big  bucks  & well  …….  here  she  is  :~)

personality

        sofie  blames  it  on  her  brazilian  heritage  but  this  bitch  loves  a  party  !!  like  shes  the  one  who  gets  happy drunk  at  the  pre  then  is  the  first  on  the  dance  floor  then  later  falls  out  of  the  club  &  into  some  rando’s  bed !!  in  the  back  of  her  mind  she  knows  her  drug  &  alcohol  use  is  self - destructive  but  she  figures  shes  allowed  to  let  loose  sometimes (  even  if  that  ends  up  being  most  nights  )  ;  rly  she’s  just  in  denial  bc  she  doesn’t  want  to  change  her  ways  &  lose  her  identity  !!

        doesn’t  put  labels  on  her  gender  identity  or  sexual orientation  .  she  finds  them  restrictive  &  useless  for  herself  ,  labels  would  only  be  to  satisfy  others  .  she  doesn’t  see  herself  as  110%  female  either  like  she’s  all about  gender  being  a  social  construct  /  a  spectrum  ;  some  days  she’ll  get  dolled  up  &  wear  heavy  makeup  &  six  inch  heels  ,  some  days  she’ll  walk  around  in  a  bun  &  tracksuit  &  trainers  .  anyone  who  asks  abt  it  will  swiftly  get  2  middle  fingers  in  their  face  !! shes  uncontrollable  i  swear

         puts  up  a  tough  bad - ass  front  like  billie  does aksjdh  like  nah  nothing  can  hurt  me  im  bulletproof  !!  but  is  rly  just  kinda  broken  underneath  .  she  doesn’t  even  let  her  closest  friends  know  how  hurting  she  is  bc  she  doesn’t  wanna  burden  them  .  she  rly  uses  mmusic  as  an  outlet  tho  so  she’ll  act  totally  tough  then   go  to  the  studio  &  record  all  about  her  heartache  .  will  NEVER  let  someone  see  her  cry  no  matter  how  close  she  is  with  them  .  she  rly  sees  it  as  a  sign  of  weakness  &  shes  in  a  much  better  place  than  she  was  5  years  ago  so  she  figures  she’s  not  ALLOWED  to  feel  anything  but  grateful  .  

         this  bitch  overthinks  everything  !! half  the  time  she  isn’t  rly  listenning  to  whoever  bc  she’s  thinking  about  what  they  just  said  &  if  they’re  mad  with  her  .  she’s  that  friend  who  will  ask  u  to  come  over  to  formulate  the  perfect  text  response  &   fuss  over  it  for  hours  .  that  being  said  ,  if  someone  talks  shit  abt  anyone  shes  tight  with  ,  they’re  gonna  get  it  the  next  time   she  sees  them  .  she  isn’t  about  violence  &  would  never  get  into  a  physical  fight  ,  but  she’d  work  behind  the  scenes  to  ruin  their  life  .  but  then  she  pretends  like  she  rly  doesn’t  care  though  its  obvious  to  those  close  to  her  that  she  cares  way  too  much

has  a  very  hard  time  expressing  love  bc  she  didn’t  have  much  practice  w  it  growing  up  .  she  was  on  her  own  most  of  her  young  life  so  even  if  her  mom  would  tell  her   te  amo  she  would  be  like  uh  huh  gtg  bye !!  

tldr ;  poor  bitch  w  abandonment  issues  who  was  able  to  get  out  of  it  by  channeling  her  energy  into  music  &  numbing  the  stress  with  pills  or  alcohol  which  she  def  still overuses  but  she  doesn’t  think its  a  problem  !! yikeroony  !!  loves  partying  & having  a  good  time  ,  puts  up  a  tough  front  but  is  rly  soft  underneath  .

wanted (* = mw)

friends  from  high  school  !! -  people  sof  stayed  with  in  the  summer  bc  she  wasn’t  going  home  to  brazil  .  

friends  from  music  school  !!  -  she  def  felt  like  an  outsider  among  the  music  prodigies  at  this  school  ,  &  maybe  this  person  was  one  of  the  ppl  she  actually  connected  with  . 

come  out  &  play  !!  this  person  acts  as  a  good  influence  to  sofie  .  they’re  level - headed  &  very  grounding  ,  &  sofie  doesn’t  let  it  show  but  they’re  really  important  to  her  .  this  is  the  Softest  billie  song  (  prob  bc  it  was  for  an  ad skdj )  &  they  inspired  it  bc  it’s  how  she  feels  when  shes with  them  .  they  encourage  her  to  be  all  that  she  can  be  &  they  believe  in  her  ,  &  they’re  prob  the  one  person  sofie  trusts  the  most  which  is  SAYING  something  !!

*exes  on  bad  terms  !!  -   ok  this  would  basically  be  based  on  all  the  songs  billie  has  about  a  failed  relationship  /  heartbreak  !! shes  got  a  bunch  .  im  thnking  maybe  she  was  actually  rly  into  them  but  had  a  hard  time  expressing  it  bc  she’s never  been  good  with  emotional  expression  ,  &  it  led  to  the  relationship  feeling ?? unfaithful  /  disconnected  ??  idk  but  she  rly  loved  them  &  is  still  nursing  that  heartbreak  .  (  x  ,  x  ,  x  )

the  paris  to  her  nicole  !!  -  ok  i  f*cking  hate  that  i  said  this  but  she’s  nicole  richie  its  true  !! she  needs  a  messy  gal  pal  exactly  like  how  paris  &  nicole  are  i  stan  them  (  x  ,  x  ,  x  )

roommate  !!  -  bc  of  her  abandonment  issues  she  rly  doesn’t  like  living  alone  so  prob  is  the  roomie  who  will  sleep  in  their  bed  from  time  to  time  bc  she  doesn’t  like  being  totally  alone  .  

*when  the  party’s  over  !!  - these  two have  been  hooking  up  for  a  while  no  strings  attached  but  recently  feelings  have  been  caught  !! &  now  they  still  hook  up  quite  often  but  sofie’s  kinda  harboring  feelings &  pretending  all  is  well  but  she  rly  hopes  they’ll  just  stay  the  night  from  time  to  time  ,  &  gets  secretly  heartbroken  when  she  sees  them  flirting  or  leaving  with  someone  else  . they  can  also  have  feelings  if  u  want  that  angst :~)

fwb  !!  -  sofie  is  pretty  transparent  when  it  comes  to  what  she  wants  &  she’s  got  a  bad  habit  of  replacing  dealing  with  problems  with  getting  laid  !! like  u  know  in  movies  when  the  man  opens  his  wallet  and  a  row  of  like  20  pictures  of  different  women  fall  out  ??  that’s  sof’s  aesthetic  .  she’s  got  a  bunch  of  fwb  of  all  genders  so  bring  me  some  pls

***mutual  dislike  /  copycat  !!  self - explanatory  ,  sofie  thinks  this  person  is  copying  her  in  everything  she  does  &  thinks  its  annoying  af  so  she  wrote  a  song  abt  it  &  hopes  they  indirectly  get  the  message  even  if  she  drops  not  so  subtle  hints  .  skfldjh  itd  be  messy  pls !!

party  buddies  !!  -  someone  who  encourages  sofies  wild  ways  .  when  the  two  get  together  its  usually  to  get  drunk  or  high  &  thats  the  way  they  like  it  .  sofie  doesn’t  feel  judged  by  them  as  she  does  by  others  who  don’t  get  obliterated  at  every  social  event  (  what  an  idea  !!  )  so  she  rly  values  them  ,  even  if  she  doesn’t  express  it

 ** 8 !! - someone  who  kinda  reluctantly  got  into  a  relationship  with  sofie  out  of  maybe  a  desire  to  save  her  from  herself  ??  like  u  know  that  good  girl  bad  boy  trope  where  the  girl  tries  to  save  the  boy  from  whatever  he’s  struggling  with  ?  that’s  them  but  the  roles  are  just  reversed  -  good  guy  ,  bad  girl  .  it  was  kinda  just  filled  w  her  being  self - destructive  &  confiding  in  him  but  not  rly  reciprocating  the  care  so  he  became  kinda  distant  bc  of  it  .  tbh  she  prob  knew  he  was  too  good  for  her  but  had  a sliver  of  hope  he  wouldn’t  leave  her  even  tho  eventually  she  became  too  much  for  him  .  (  lyrics : you said, "don't treat me badly", but you said it so sadly, so I did the best I could, not thinkin' you would have left me gladly. i know you're not sorry, why should you be? 'cause who am I to be in love, when your love never is for me?” )

good influence  !! this  person  can  tell  that  her  beahvior  is  unhealthy  &  are  trying  to  gently  nudge  her  abt  it  .  she  can  tell  what  they’re  doing  but  her  addict  brain  is  telling  her  its  invasive  &  threatening  so  shes  not  the  fondest  of  this  person  ,  but  deep  down  she  really  appreciates  them

music buddies !! these  two  are  both  in  the  music  industry  &  rather  than  it  being  competitive  ,  they’ve  developed  a  friendship  from  it  & enjoy  working  together  .  

* someone  sofie  ghostwrites  for  !! for  whatever  reason  ,  this  muse  doesn’t  write  their  own  songs  & instead  pays  sofie  to  write  them  for  them  .  she  doesn’t  love  it  but  its  a  way  to  make  money  &  give  away  songs  she  doesn’t  feel  attached  to  but  are  worth  something  .  maybe  its  tense  bc  they  claim  the  songs  as  their  own  &  sofie  doesn’t  like  it  ,  this  could  be  ~escandolo~  later  !!

*** my boy ( high school bf ) !! - ok  tea  this  song  is  the  one  that  broke  her  into  the  industry  .  she  produced  it  all  herself  &  just  relased  it  to  her  soundcloud  thinking  it  wouldn’t  rly  go  anyway  but  !!  joke’s  on  yung sofie  .  essentially  he  thought  the  relationship  was  going  well  ,  she’d  met  his  family  &  they  rly  liked  her  but  !! sof  was  feeling  kinda  smothered  &  told  herself  he  was  lying &  cheating  on  her  n  shit  so  she  wrote  a  song  about  it  !! &  once  it  was  starting  to  get  attention  he  was  like  ….. uhhh  what  the  fuck  & she  was  like  haha  sorry  !! so  they  broke  up  &  ever  since  its  been  animosity ,  but  she  realizes  she  fucked  up  but  it  launched  her  career  so  she  doesn’t  know  whether  to  keep  up  the  idgaf  i  hurt  you  or  apologize  .  

* ex - friends  !!  ok  pls  i  have  this  hc  where  sofie  got  way  too  high  one  night  &  slept  with  this  person’s  dad  or  sibling  or  smth !!  u  know  that  line  in  ‘ bad guy ’  where  she  goes  ‘ might  seduce  your  dad  type  ? ’  ya  that’s  got  sofie  written  ALL  over  it  !!   &  now  they’re  not  friends  bc  sofie  can’t  keep  it  in  her  pants  but  both  sides  kinda  misses  the  other  but  are  too  stubborn  to  say  anything  :~(

exes from college / high school  !!  - ok honestly i just love all the exes plots . gimme someone who like maybe they were hooking up & decided to give it a shot dating & it worked for a while but ultimately fell apart bc of sof’s inability to open up. maybe theres still tension or maybe theyre friends now !!

* lovely  !!  -  i  need  a  male  voice  for  khalid’s  part  in  lovely  bc  i  need  this  song  in  my  life  bc  its  a  whole  ass   sofie  mood  ok  .  

i’ve  also  got  a  wanted  connections  tag  linked  HERE  dksfj there's  not  much  in  it  yet  but  feel  free  to  check  it  out  .  ok  i  love  y'all  

[altaieu]

please refrain from reb/0gging

as im watching the dark skies shift to blues, the sun is rising on a household with one less kitten in it today. i can see no stars out.

amber died yesterday.

we took her home on friday, neck tube in and accompanied by medicine, after a 9 day stay in the hospital. we were going to try our hardest to help her get get better. we’d been making plans the entire time what we’d do with her when she was healthy again; that we’d definitely let them out next more next summer and make certain the garden had no places for pests, that i’d play with them even more than i did now, that we’d get them all health insurance. we bought her the cat bed we’d been lingering over at the store to make sure she had a very comfy spot to recover in. i’d woken up late on friday but i helped my sister with feeding her, giving her medicine. i was prepared to stay up all day saturday to help.

but she hadn’t closed here eyes since she’d come home, and what my sister thought was her sleeping - nictitating membranes half closed, paws twitching like she was dreaming - maybe have been a seizure in retrospect. though she took everything well, at 7 am she was having breathing problems. she was laying sideways on the floor with her little tongue sticking out, eyes half closed. we woke everyone up. we rushed her back to the hospital immediately. we talked about putting her down, and i’m sad we didn’t in retrospect, but we had never lost a cat before and we were so hopeful she could still turn around - twice while she was at the hospital she’d perked up and looked for all intents and purposes that she was recovering. she was such a strong, healthy cat before all this happened, it was hard to think she could just go like that, but as it happened it was just complication after complication that hit her. so we held off to give her the weekend, said if she didn’t look better, we’d be back to sign the papers.

it was not even 5 hours after we’d left her there that we got the call, around 1:30 pm. she’d nosedived suddenly and they tried to resuscitate her to no success - something my sister had said yes to out of reflex, but was going to phone tomorrow to say not to do, to just let her go. we went back and saw her little body. my sister cradled her in her arms, and every time she shifted in her seat amber’s fuzzy ears swayed just a bit and i kept expecting her to shake it off, wake up, blink up at us with those big, warm, adoring eyes she always had. her head was as cold as the wind outside when i pet her and i feel as if the chill hasn’t left my hand.

now my brain keeps playing that still face against those late night/early morning memories of her jumping up on my bed and my desk, smiling at me with that big wide happy mouth, bumping her head against mine and against the curtain until i’d open it and she could look out and she’d wiggle her big fluffy butt right between me and my monitor. her tail would always be straight up as she watched the shifting shadows beyond the glass and she purred like an orchestra. then she’d sit on my lap and make the cutest face at me, and i’d pet her a little, but because she always seemed to do this when i was absorbed in writing or art i’d pat her butt until she got annoyed and leapt off, skittering out of my room and down the stairs with the noise of a horse. i’d always felt a little guilty after that, and last time, in damn november, i’d made the promise to myself that next time she came to visit i’d let her sit on me and cuddle up as long as she wanted. it’s been barely 15 hours and already i miss seeing that fuzzy face pop up from behind my desk, that fluffy butt jogging out of my room. amber, i’m so sorry i booted you away when you were lonely in the mornings and just wanted to give and receive love from me.

there’s so many things i wish we did in retrospect (in retrospect, in retrospect). i wish i had pushed harder for a vet appointment when i first saw her so listless, but i always differ to my sister and she said she had no money for it. i wish we’d gotten all our cats health insurance so it wouldn’t have been as big of a cost as it was, that we wouldn’t have been so hesitant about a vet appointment in the first place. i wish i had convinced my sis to put her down when we were there in the mornning so she could have passed away in the arms of someone she loved surrounded by people she cared about instead of laying her head against the side of a small metal cage because we were too scared to let go of her. i’m so sorry amber, we did you so wrong.

when we were there in the morning a man came in after us, an old old man who looked to be in his eighties or so. he was there about a cremation for his african grey parrot who’d passed away the night before. he had a south african accent, and i heard him talking about how he’d been with the bird for forty seven years, that he’d found it abandoned by someone else. i saw him and an old woman bawling in the parking lot afterwards. looking back i should have taken it as an omen.

when we got back to the house the first time, around 11:30 in the morning, the cats were going crazy. all three were trying to get into my room. i wanted nora to stay out so she could comfort my sister, but maggie stood on my desk for 15 minutes staring with that kitty love face and headbutting me before she fell asleep on the bed by my feet. sassy, meanwhile, was absolutely losing it, running around the house and yelling with her unique, loud “mryow” sounding vocalization, eyes wide. should have taken it as an omen.

its weird to wake up at 3 am today to three cats. a time in the morning when i know amber would’ve come to visit, given her health back. its weird to walk down and not see her stretch her big fuzzy yellow belly into a croissant shape. i miss running around the house with the knotted shoelace and having her run after me at top speed, catching it and then running along with me as its in her mouth. i miss her closing eyes as you brushed her mane. i miss that little orange spot she wore on her head like a jewel.

i don’t think i can do anything downstairs without getting choked up about how she’d lie across my legs as i did anything. i don’t think i can get back to playing spyro or watching xfiles since she was there like that the whole time for those. i don’t think i can pick up arkham knight or aco again since i’d sit out in the middle of the floor for those and she’d come up behind me and bump my back, sit on my blanket, lay across one of my legs as i played.

i worry about my sister who cannot even lie in her bed without remembering amber there, sleeping on a pillow beside her, hugging her with all her legs. that cat got her through an abusive relationship and countless depressive episodes and the inherent trauma of being trans in a world that really doesn’t want you to live.

but like whether she’s in kitty heaven as my parents would prefer to think, or she’s my sister’s little spirit guardian now, or if there’s a kitten born on this day that might cross our paths again and bump our legs and look up, i hope she’s doing good. she deserves that at least, she was the sweetest cat i ever met and she should have got more than we could give her.

i feel bad for the hospital staff too. in her stay there she charmed everyone who crossed her path and they were all rooting so hard for her to pull through. one of the vets had her out in her office walking around for exercise on one of the days she was very perky, seemingly recovering. the one we interacted with yesterday was too kind, waiving the fees for the resuscitation attempts and refunding us the 700 we put down for the next few days of care that wouldn’t come to pass. i mean, we’d already dropped 9k on her and were fully prepared to spend 1k more for that fighting chance of a weekend - and of all the things we regret that is not one of them, even if i know a thousand people who’d call us fucking idiots for it. no cent spent trying to keep her alive was a waste. between all of us, even if we had to go into debt, it was the least we could do. we put aside those hopeful dreams of actually owning a house for her, and all my daydreams of introducing them to the new place.

but that 9k could have been reduced to 4.5k (over the 8 years, putting into it each month) if we’d had health insurance on her. as much as that is, it’s tiny compared to what we just spent and would have given us the reassurance to take her to the vet the moment she got sick instead of worrying about money. please, if you have pets you care about, get them health insurance. here it’s 50 a month but that is nothing compared to the cost of vet bills even for routine checkups which it will cover 90% of, and it will give you the peace of mind that you can go to the vet whenever. the moment a pet starts acting unusual you should take them. even if its nothing, its better safe than sorry. complications can hit so fast and pile up.

i’ll be watching the other cats much more closely after this and - after i have my energy back, hopefully - i’ll follow through on that promise and pay them even more attention and get them even more toys. we’re gping to get them health insurance in january and we’re gonna spent the spring cleaning up the backyard to make it safer for the cats, just in case. when they get into the backyard in the summer, oh, its gonna be real fuckin strange not to see amber’s cute sandy coloured face under the lilac tree by the little pond. i still have photos of her from last summer and remember vividly making myself stupid in the grass to get those upward shots of her.

goodnight little lion. you had all the colours of the desert in you and all the love of the sweetest little earth angel, eager to share it. i wish we could have given you so many more years of care, eight was not enough and eleven is much too young for a kitty to go, but i hope you are warm and basking in sunlight wherever you are.

i could see no stars out until i looked behind the house. there, despite the heavy cloud cover on this overcast day, there is a single star shining brighter than i’ve ever seen before, right above us, right at the door.

[tumblunni]

HI EVERY BODY AAAA

Gonna try and make a quick half weekly update maybe probably! Sorry that i've only been emailing a few people so far, i have to wait a week to get a library card so i can use the library email service. So i've just been running around trying to catch wild wifi wherever it may be, and then kinda failing so i used up some of my mobile data. And i need to ration that throughout the month so i was gonna try sending only weekly emails but then some people sent me emails so i had to reply and then i was like OH NO i am neglecting the everyone else AAAAA

So umm anyway im on mobile data right now and i cant really browse the tumbl cos images and stuff really burn it up. But i can make this one post!! Yay!! Aaa!!

Umm okay maybe i'll make a second post with Big Rambling About What's Happen, for now i kinda need to make a Dumb Ask For Money Time.

I feel so damn guilty cos i havent even finished paying back the 20 bucks some friends leant me two weeks ago for groceries, cos there was all the stress of moving and i just COMPLETELY FORGOT until it was too late and im already here aaaa! And then i was stupid yesterday and i gave all my money to a homeless guy out in the rain. Like i know i should be calling myself stupid cos it was reckless and i didnt think about taking care of myself also, but like i dont think it was stupid cos that guy needed it more than i did. He actually gave me a hug! I felt so bad, like man nobody must have been donating to him if he got so emotional over just that much! I wished i could have given more!! He was stuck in RAIN nobody was helping him in the RAIN what the hell sort of monsters are they?! It was like the windiest rainstorm all year so far! Shop displays were flying out the doors and people were getting beaned in the head with acorns and stuff! This dude had nothing to his name except a lil not very waterproof looking sleeping bag!! It was hard enough to stay out of the rain just as a regular shopping person, imagine how hard it must be to try and find a place to sleep rough when there's all stupid cops chasing you away from anywhere visible because 'blah blah blah tourism we have the army recruitment rally today'. BOOO! there was a goddamn actual tank up at a historic monument of pre-britain celtic civilization and im just like wow fuck you how dare you market this to literal schoolchildren on a summer trip. Anyway i'm going offtopic, what's really important is the SECOND homeless person that i didnt have enough money to help because i gave it all to the first guy. He was an elderly veteran with a missing arm! SO MANY PEOPLE STUCK OUT IN THE DAMN RAIN INCLUDING FORMER SOLDIERS, GOD FUCK U SO MUCH ARMY. Umm anyway so yeah "bunni it is reckless to throw all your money at a stranger and keep none for grocery" NO it is reckless because what if you find another stranger who EVEN MORE needs it more than i do!!!!

Anyway i've been rambling a lot but i just thought that wtf it probably sounds fake to say 'oh i gave all my money to someone in trouble' that sounds like im boasting about my humbleness somehow. So yeah there's a Detailed Ramble that hopefully proves it i guess?? But yeah i have no money now until the 28th. Whoops. Luckily i dont need as much money while im here at the mental hospital cos i eat most meals at the shared kitchen and you have a 4 bucks a week allowance to buy additional supplies. They said i can get the juice i like, cos im stupidly picky and struggle taking my pills with plain water. And i have a bus pass now! A surprise benefit of being hospital'd! The picture on it looks TERRIBLE, i wish i could show you guys! And of course i dont have to pay gas bills here. So all the biggest money pains are gone! But then i've been signed up for two classes each week that are like two towns away and really early in the morning with me probably only getting back at 2pm cos of the travel time. And i wont have free food there, im not allowed to take anything out of the shared kitchen even if its a lunchbox or somethin. So i kinda just need some spare money so i can grab a sandwich or something in the supermarket along the way. And of course there's the fact its just damn hard to kill your boredom in a place like this, so aaa i wish i could buy some cheap books from the thrift store or something. And then there's the biggest ludicrous temptation of there being a BUILD A BEAR WORKSHOP NEAR THE HOSPITAL!! AAAAAAAA!! With the new pokemon collection!! Alola vulpix!! I'm not gonna ask for donations for that, obviously, but i just wanted to tell you cos its AWESOME and its frustrating i have to go past it on this bus route. My goal is to get you by the end of the month, lil snowy friend!!!

SO YEAH SORRY IM GETTING OFFTOPIC HERE I JUST WANNA TELL YOU ABOUT EEEEEVERYTHINGGGGG

Short version: I don't really have a specific amount i'm asking for, im just gonna keep this paypal pool open for the first month and like if you can spare any change it would really help! The help bunni get adjusted to new and terrifying live in hospital strangeness fund! Because bunni was an idiot and gave away all their money on the first damn day! Gahhh!! Okay so seriously if you have anything to spare and ONLY if you have it to spare, i would really appreciate your help. Even if its just 1 dollar/pound/other local currency of which you own! I will hug you greatly!! And if you wanna be added to the weekly email updates list then my email is pineapplegrenade@rocketmail.com and i would super apprecoate keeping in touch! And if anyone wants to be pokemon go friends i will try and send you gifts everyday!! I need 3 more friends for a quest milestone lol.

OKAY IM TALKING TOO MUCH AAA

For to help the bunn, go the here! And umm lol if you want to signal boost then feel free to just take that link and make your own post thats way damn shorter than this nonsense, lol. I JUST MISS YOU ALL SO MUCHHHH

[fuzzyhologramvoid]

Benjamin and his mother, Lisa, have gone grocery shopping. Their dialogue in a 2 hour span, reveals more information about their relationship over the years.

Benjamin: You know, mom, it is so good to see you. How have you been?

Lisa: I’m doing well. I would be doing even better if you actually meant what you said.

Benjamin: Why do you say that? I drove 3 hours just to come and visit you. Is that not enough?

Lisa: Three hours every six months is not enough time for me to bond with my son. But I know why you do it so… it's whatever.

Benjamin: Oh yeah? You do? Tell me why. Please tell me why I don’t wanna see you.

Lisa: Your father and his family have brainwashed you into hating me. Its okay, its not your fault. You don’t do anything for me anymore, and you have let my mistakes push you away. I’m only human, you know.

Benjamin:  Benjamin slaps his palms on the shopping cart in frustration. Here we go again with this bullishit!!! Every time I visit, you remind me why I should of f*****g stayed the f**k home in the first place! EVERY TIME!!

Lisa: Benjamin, relax. I didn’t mean to get you all worked up. I am just trying to understand why my own son avoids me, doesn’t answer my calls… you haven’t even introduced me to your girlfriend yet for fucks sake. You’ve been with her for a year now.

Benjamin: You know, mom, why don’t you learn to point the finger toward yourself every once in a while. You always play the victim and don’t care to understand what is driving people away from you.

Lisa: Benjamin, God would not be proud of what you are saying to your mother right now.

Benjamin: Ehh whatever. I don’t believe in skyman. Frankly, I don’t think he cares. If he did, he wouldn’t let me struggle the way I have.

Lisa: You stop that!! Have some faith. Lisa picks up a bag of apples, and puts it in the cart.

Benjamin: Have faith? Where has that gotten me? When I was 18, I was afraid we were gonna be homeless because you spent all of your money at the casino. When I brought my friend over to hang out, you embarrassed both of us because you were drunk!!! I can’t count the times I had to call you an uber, and do your laundry, and pay your bills with my job at The Home Depot, while trying to get through college. You vomited tequila all over the clothes I had laid out for school!! I had to cook my own dinners. I had to care for myself.

Lisa: Benjamin please, this is all part of the past, I have-------

Benjamin: No, it’s not in the past mom, its not in the fucking past. Because im anxious about money, and I have to take insulin now, cause i’m a fucking diabetic. Because I’m afraid of inheriting your fucking alchoholic gene, or being too controlling in relationships. Im fucking afraid of trusting anyone, or allowing them to fucking love me, mom!! Its not in the fucking past!!!!

A stranger looks at Benjamin in awe.

Benjamin: You enjoying the show, bucko? Fuck off.

Lisa: BENJAMIN!!! THAT’S ENOUGH.

Lisa apologizes to the stranger, who quickly acknowledges her gesture by nodding, smiling and walking away.

Benjamin takes a deep breath.

Benjamin: Anyways, mom, let's not do this today. Please. Don’t start with all of the crap about my dad. Have you called grandma lately? She misses you, you know.

Lisa: I have not. You know how hard it is for me to call her. You know that I have let her down. And I’m not proud of it.

Benjamin: You can always change. But you need to hurry up before it’s too late. I might be young but she is getting older now. There’s only so much time left.

Lisa: You’re right. And I’m trying. And I just want you to know that I love you. And I always have.

Benjamin: I love you too, mom.

[im-writing-out-of-time]

Baby Steps- Chapter 1

This is part one of who-the-fuck-knows-how-many parts. The original request came from forever ago and its in my @im-still-writing-out-of-time inbox and I’m too lazy to go find it but the basis of it was ‘Hamliza, living in a studio apartment, struggling, Eliza finds out she’s pregnant.’ So enjoy. 

Warnings: I don’t really think there are trigger warnings, but sex is mentioned, obviously, and it goes through an ob/gyn appointment in pretty decent detail. But it also talks about how to properly give yourself a breast exam, so you probably shouldn’t skip it. 

Masterlist

Alexander sat at the desk, his head in his hands. “Eliza, I don’t know how we’re gonna make it this month. I really don’t.”

He was surrounded by a pile of papers- bills, receipts, the “things that need fixing” list, his works in progress that no one wanted.

Eliza walked to him and leaned down, wrapping her arms around his neck. “We’ll make it, Alexander. We always do.” She brushed a light kiss against his cheek before grabbing his hands and pulling him to a stand. “Come. You need a shower or something to relax.”

“Eliza-”

“Come, Alexander. You need to relax.” She pulled him to the tiny bathroom just down the hall.  It was just big enough for a full size shower/tub combination, a sink, and a toilet. There was no room to move around in, but they made it work. She pushed him in the bathroom and walked back down the hall to grab a couple of washcloths and towels.

Eliza looked at the box of pads in the cupboard and frowned. How long had it been since…? Three months? It had been at least three months since she got her last period. Eliza walked back to the bathroom where Alexander was filling the tub in his boxers.

“Hey, I found this bath bomb under the sink. Wanna use it?” It had been a gift from her sisters from their wedding. There was an entire box of them under her bed, but she always kept one under the bathroom sink for easy access.

“Sure,” she smiled. “I figured you would have chosen to take a shower instead.”

“Why? Do you want to shower instead?”

“No.” She smiled softly. “You just surprised me. Usually you jump for quickest and most efficient.” She leaned down to where he was squatting by the tub and rubbed his shoulders. “You’re always so tense,” she whispered.

“I know, Betsey. I’m sorry. I just don’t know how we’re gonna make it through this month. Once we pay bills and insurance and everything, we’ll barely have enough for groceries if we get the bare minimum. I just-” His voice broke. “I don’t know how we’ll do it.”

Eliza knew better than suggesting borrowing money from her father- her father would refuse any money in return, but Alexander was too proud for a handout. The last time she had suggested it, they had a huge fight that ended with Alexander running out and spending the night at Hercules’s house.

“Just like we always do. Someone will buy your writings, darling. They will. Just like someone will pay for my commissions eventually. We just have to be patient.” Eliza stood back up and peeled off her clothes, climbing in the tub beside Alexander as he turned off the water. She grabbed the bath bomb from beside the tub and lowered it into the water slowly. She was sitting on Alexander’s lap, leaning back on his shoulder as the bath bomb turned the water a glittering gold.

“This bath bomb looks so pretentious.”

“Oh just shut up and enjoy it,” Eliza teased, turning her head to meet Alexander’s cheek. Her head was spinning with the thoughts of three missed periods. It had to just be stress. That was probably it. Right?

“I can hear you thinking,” Alexander whispered against her ear as his hands swirled through the glittering water. “What’s going on in that pretty little mind of yours?”

“Just thinking,” she sighed. Alexander was stressed enough. She didn’t need to inform him of something that was only a possibility at this point. Especially since a baby on top of everything else would only stress him more. “I’m thinking about inviting Angelica and Peggy over one of these days. What do you think about going to visit the guys for a while?”

“Today maybe? You’re right. I gotta take a break or I’m gonna fucking snap. I’ll text the guys and you can call the girls or something?”

“Mmm,” Eliza hummed, leaning back against Alexander. “Maybe. I’ll have to see what they’re doing today. But for now,” she paused. “For now we relax and cuddle.” Eliza couldn’t believe her luck. She hadn’t been expecting Alexander to agree so easily. “I bet they’ll be up for a girls day.”

The couple sat in comfortable silence until Eliza sat up slowly. “What’s wrong Betsey?”

“Nothing. Lemme wash your hair.” They shifted awkwardly in the tub until Eliza was sitting behind Alexander. She lathered up the shampoo between her hands and began to massage it through Alexander’s hair. The sudsy bubbles began to run down the side of his face and Eliza’s hands moved to scoop the suds back behind his hairline.

“Thank you ‘Liza,” he whispered as she began using the bath water to rinse his hair.

“You’re welcome. Now hand me the conditioner, glitter hair,” she teased, reaching her hand out for the green bottle. She spread the conditioner through his hair and tied it in a bun to the top of his head. “Do you ever condition your hair?”

“Do I really need to?” He scoffed.

“Well you don’t need to. But it makes your hair softer.”

Eliza stretched out her legs and wrapped them around Alexander’s waist. He leaned back on her chest, and she winced in pain. When the fuck did her breasts start hurting?

She lifted her arms and pulled the hair tie out of Alexander’s dark waves, before she grabbed the cup from the floor beside the tub and rinsed the conditioner from his hair. The glitter sparkled throughout his thick wavy locks and water ran down his back, soap and golden glitter dancing around on his skin.

“You’re so good to me, Betsey, you know that?” Alexander awkwardly shuffled his body so he was facing Eliza, staring into her dark eyes. He leaned back and pulled the plug from the water, pausing to set the plug on the lip of the tub. “I mean it. You left a life of luxury for me, and now we’re barely making it, barely scraping by each month, and yet you stay. You stay with me through thick and thin, and I couldn’t ask for a better wife than you. I love you, Eliza, with every fiber of my being.” His eyes had started to well with tears. “I’m so glad you’re mine.”

“Someone’s emotional today,” Eliza teased, leaning in to kiss Alexander. Their lips met in the middle, in a slow, sweet, passionate kiss. “I love you too, Alexander. No matter what happens, I’ll always love you.”

Alexander stood up and squeezed the excess water from his hair. “Do I have to leave covered in glitter like this? The guys will never let me live it down.”

Eliza pouted as she stood up. “I think you look fine. I like it.”

Alexander grumbled and rolled his eyes, smirking as he grabbed the towel from the counter and dried off. “Why’d you get washcloths if we didn’t even use them?”

Eliza shrugged as she sat back down in the tub, swirling the water around in her hands. “I thought we might so I grabbed them in case.”

Alexander nodded and walked out of the room to get dressed. Eliza’s hands pushed the glitter around the tub until Alexander walked back in, fully dressed. “I texted the guys and we’re gonna go hang out at John’s. Are you gonna be okay alone until the girls get here?”

“I’m a big girl, Alexander,” she teased. “I’ll be fine.”

“Well, I ask because I care. And because I worry about you sometimes,” he smiled back sweetly. “I love you.”

“I love you too Alex. Now go have fun with the guys.”

He rushed in the bathroom and pressed a kiss to her cheek. “I’ll try babe. You too.”

She smiled until she heard the front door slam shut. The smile immediately fell from her face and she lunged from the tub, wrapping a towel around her. She paced around with her phone in her hand, terrified to call her sisters. She jumped, dropping the phone as it rang in her hand, her sister’s face showing up.

“Hi!” She squeaked, still surprised. “I was just about to call you.”

Angelica had FaceTimed her. Her sister’s face was shining at her through the screen, a smile adorning her features. “Great minds think alike, Eliza, you know that. So what’s going on? You look stressed.”

Eliza smiled sadly at her sister as she sat on her bed, towel still wrapped around her. “Just another month of I-don’t-know-if-we’re-gonna-make-it. Plus it was just brought to my attention by the full box of pads in the cupboard that I’ve missed three periods and I have to take a pregnancy test, and if it comes out positive what am I going to do Angelica? Alexander won’t let me get money from daddy to tide us over, what would we do with a baby? I can’t tell him, but I needed someone to talk to. Do you think you and Peggy could come over?”

Angelica’s eyes fill with pity. “Oh, Eliza. I didn’t know it was that bad. You know I’m willing to help you guys out if you need it.”

“I know Ange. But Alexander is too proud. Could you pick me up a test from the store on the way over? Please?”

“Yeah, of course. I’ll grab Peggy and fill her in and we’ll be right over. I love you E. We’ll see you in a bit.”

“I love you too, Ange,” she said as her sister kissed at the screen. She blew a kiss back and the screen went blank as Angelica hung up.

Eliza set the phone on the bed and walked to the dresser, shucking the towel to the floor. She pulled on a pair of underwear and slipped a t-shirt on over her head. She looked down at her stomach; was it really a little rounder than usual or was she just bloating? Maybe she was just imagining it because she was worried. Yeah. That was it.  

A knock sounded through the apartment and her head bolted up. She padded barefoot through the apartment and looked through the peephole in the door. She opened the door wide, her sister’s arms opening to embrace her. She rushed into them immediately and buried her head in Angelica’s shoulder.

“What am I gonna do, Ange?” She whispered, tears welling in her eyes.

Angelica stepped back, holding her sister by the shoulders at arms length. “You’re going to take the tests before you get all worked up, okay? If you’re not pregnant, there’s no need to worry.”

“But what if I am?”

Peggy reached forward and wiped the tears from Eliza’s cheeks. “Then you’ve got us by your side. We’re always here for you, ‘Liza. You know that.”

Eliza stepped back and wiped at the residual tears on her face and nodded. She grabbed the grocery bag that Peggy held out to her and stared at it for a moment. “What do I do?”

“You pee on them, Eliza,” Peggy said slowly.

Eliza sniffled and laughed. “I know that, dummy!” She said. “But I don’t have to pee.”

“Just go try. Maybe pee in a cup and try it like that? Do you have an old medicine cup or something?”

“I’ll just grab a cup from the cupboard,” Eliza said. “It’s not like we don’t use hot water to clean them. It’ll be fine.” She grabbed a small glass and disappeared into the bathroom while her sisters took post on the living room couch.

“Wanna place bets?” Peggy asked, nudging the eldest sister.

“Peggy,” she whisper-yelled. “We can’t place bets on our own sister.”

“I bet she’s pregnant. And if she is, I bet it’s a boy.”

“Ten bucks for each bet, twenty total,” Angelica said, shaking on it. “But we don’t tell Eliza.”

“Tell Eliza what?” Eliza questioned as she walked up behind them.

“Well Eliza, obviously we weren’t going to tell you. Why would we now?” Peggy grinned.

Eliza plopped down on the couch between them. “You guys suck,” she said. “The tests are started and the timer is running. Countdown has two and a half minutes left.” She clicked her phone off and set it on her lap. Eliza’s leg was bouncing in anticipation, anxious to know the answer of the tests. Her sisters were talking over her body, but she wasn’t listening. She was waiting for the buzz of her phone, the little ding signaling the end of the three minutes.

The second the alarm sounded, she shot out of her seat and ran to the bathroom, her bare feet slapping against the floor. Her hand was surprisingly stable as she held the first white stick in her hand. Positive. She glanced at the other two and saw the results; two parallel lines on each. She smiled at the results, knowing she was secretly pleased. She collected all three tests and walked to the living room.

“So what’s the results, ‘Liza?”

“Aunt Ange and Aunt Peggy,” she said, holding up a single test.

Both women screamed and launched themselves off the couch, tackling their sister in a hug.

“Oh my god, really?” Squealed Angelica.

“Yeah,” she breathed, still in disbelief. “Yeah, really.” Her arms wrapped back around her sisters, the tests held tight in her fist. “What am I going to do now?”

“We can bring you to the doctor and see if they can fit you in for an appointment.”

“Yeah, we can try. Should I call first?”

“I mean, if you want to. I would just walk in though,” shrugged Peggy.

“Okay,” said Eliza. “Let me go put on some pants first and then we’ll head out.” She moved back to her bedroom, the wheels in her head reeling as she pulled on a pair of jeans. Now that she was paying attention to it, they did fit a bit different than they had when she bought them. They weren’t tight yet, but they curved lower on her abdomen than they usually did. She yanked the hem of her t-shirt back down and slipped on a pair of flats from under the bed.

She grabbed her purse from the counter and slipped the pregnancy tests in before running to the bathroom and grabbing the unused box and hiding that in her purse as well. Angelica and Peggy were waiting by the door, keys in hand, watching Eliza bustle around the small apartment. She ripped a sheet of paper out of a random notebook and scribbled on it, leaving it next to the door- a note for Alexander presumably.

“I’m ready,” she said, grabbing her keys from the hook. The girls locked arms and walked down the hall to the tiny stairwell. They unlocked arms to snake down the stairs and immediately locked them once more as they walked to the car.

Peggy lunged towards the back of the car, releasing Eliza’s arm. “Dibs on the back seat.”

Eliza laughed at her sister’s antics. “I’m pretty sure you’re the only one who actually wants the back seat.”

“I can lay down back here,” she grinned, spreading herself across the seat, tucking a blanket under her head. “Angelica, I don’t know why you have a blanket back here but thanks. It makes an awesome pillow.”  

Angelica chuckled slightly, a devious smirk spreading over her face. “No problem, Pegs.” Her sister didn’t need to know that her and John have sex on that blanket during their picnics. “Glad I could help you out.”

The drive to the OB/gyn office was nearly silent, the only noise coming from Angelica, humming as she drive through town. She pulled in and put the car in gear, turning to look her sister in the eyes. “Do you want us to go in with you?”

“I think I can do it,” she said. “But I’ll call you if I need you, okay?”

She exited the car and moved towards the office doors. Her heart was pounding in her chest and she shivered as the air conditioner brushed over her bare skin. Goosebumps raised on her arms as she stood behind the glass window for the receptionists’ desk.

The woman slid open the window and smiled at her. “Hello, who is your appointment with today?”

“Um, actually, I don’t have an appointment but I was wondering if I could schedule one, or if there was any chance I could be squeezed in today.”

The woman glanced at her computer screen, her fingers clacking against the keyboard. She clicked her tongue against the roof of her mouth as she searched through the schedule. “I have an open appointment in an hour, but if you wait here, she might be able to fit you in here earlier than that.”

“That sounds good. Thank you.”

“Okay, name?”

“Elizabeth Hamilton.” Eliza went through the list and answered all the woman’s questions. Date of birth, address, insurance, phone numbers… reason for today’s visit. That was a little awkward to explain to the receptionist, especially with the glances to her apparently obvious rounded figure. Was it that obvious to everyone else? Were her and Alexander just completely ignorant?

“Alright, Mrs Hamilton, the doctor will be with you as soon as possible. Thank you for waiting.”  

Eliza smiled kindly at the receptionist and pulled out her phone to text her sisters to keep them updated. The small tv attached to the ceiling was showing the news. A woman on the other side of the waiting room had a car seat at her feet, a yellow blanket protruding slightly. Eliza was staring, trying to catch a glimpse of the baby. The car seat turned towards her and she blushed, knowing she was caught. “Sorry,” she said.

“No, it’s okay. You can come closer.” Eliza moved over a few seats over to get a good look at the baby.

“He’s beautiful,” she murmured.

“Thank you,” the woman smiled. “I think so too.” There was a comfortable silence as both women stared at the sleeping infant. “How far along are you?”

“I don’t know,” Eliza admitted. “Life has been so stressful lately that I didn’t even realize I was at least three months late until earlier this morning. So at least that long. It was sometime just before my sister’s wedding.”

“So you haven’t had many symptoms then?”

“No, I guess not. The ones I have had I just wrote off as something else I guess. But this morning, my husband was stressing over financial issues and I forced him to take a bath. That’s when I noticed the full pad box in the cupboard. Then I noticed my breasts hurt, and then I realized I’ve been extra tired lately. But I’ve only thrown up a few times these last few months and Alexander had been throwing up too, so I assumed it was food poisoning.”

The woman chuckled slightly. “Damn, you got it easy. I was throwing up even before I got a positive test and I didn’t stop until about a six hours after I had him.”

Eliza paled. “Oh god, I don’t think I would survive.”

The comfortable silence returned once more as they looked at the rise and fall of the baby’s chest, tiny snores escaping his mouth.

“Do you want a boy or girl?”

“I don’t really know. Alexander and I never really talked about having kids any time soon. I’d like a girl, but I think it’s a boy. Mother’s intuition I guess,” Eliza said smiling.

“Now don’t joke about mother’s intuition, it’s a real thing.”

Eliza smiled back. “I think Alex would like a boy. I just want a healthy baby.”

“Now where is your husband?”

Eliza sighed. “He winds himself up so tight worrying about things, and working, and he writes nonstop, so this morning I made him take a break to de-stress and now he’s out with some of the guys. I don’t know how I’m going to tell him about having a baby though. He thinks we’ll have barely enough money for groceries this month, let alone have enough left over for a baby. And he’s too proud to take money from daddy, because he thinks it’s a handout. He’s very stubborn, Alexander is.”

“Well what does-”

She was cut off as one of the nurses called her name from the doorway.

“That’s me, I’m sorry.” She picked up her bags and the car seat and walked to the door. “I hope it all works out well for you.”

“Thank you,” Eliza trailed off as the woman disappeared around the corner, the door falling closed behind her. She sat back in her original seat and stared at the posters on the wall. Many of them were support groups for new moms; single moms, breastfeeding moms, just moms in general, and many more. There was one poster that was almost entirely covered up by the posters surrounding it, and she stood up to move the posters out of the way.

Painter wanted

Must be able to paint large mural (9’ x 28’)

Paints and mural design will be provided

Please ask receptionist for any further details

She pulled the tack out from the poster and stuck it back in the bulletin board, the paper in her hand. “Excuse me,” she said to the receptionist. “I saw your poster up on the wall. Do you still need someone for the job? I’m a painter.”

The receptionist’s face brightened. “Yes absolutely! We want someone to paint the waiting room wall right here. Let me be right around and I’ll explain what they want.” She got up from her desk and disappeared, only to come through the side door a matter of minutes later. “Okay,” she said, gesturing at the empty wall surrounding the window. “This is what they want painted. They had someone draw a mock-up, but apparently they’re more of a small scale colored pencil artist. Which, don’t get me wrong, that’s awesome, but not exactly what we need for a wall that’s almost thirty feet.” She held up a piece of paper with the design on it and set it on the receptionist counter. “This is what they want.”

It was a beautiful piece of work. It was an ocean scene, wildlife swimming through different parts of the piece; turtles, fish, an octopus. It was calm and serene, and right in Eliza’s painting capabilities. “I could absolutely do this.”

“Well we have a decent budget set aside, how much do you charge?”

“I usually charge about fifteen dollars per square foot but I’m flexible.”

The receptionist smiled again- she was either a very chipper person, or she had a really good customer service smile. “We have $5000 set aside. I think it ends up being a little over nineteen a square foot. We have the paints and brushes and everything, but we’d need your time. Is it something you’re interested in?”

“Yes! Absolutely. I’d love to work on it.”

“Awesome, now I don’t get final say, but if you have some examples of your work, the doctor would love to see them.”

“I’ve got some on my phone. I could-”

“Eliza Hamilton?” A nurse poked her hand out the side door.

“That’s me. I’m sorry. I’ll be back to talk after.”

The receptionist followed Eliza through the door. “No need. I’ll tell the doctor to talk to you before you leave.”

The nurse led Eliza to a room. “You can set your stuff down in here and I’ll take your weight and blood pressure and then I’ll send you to the bathroom for a urine sample, okay?”

Eliza set her purse down on the small chair in the corner of the room and sat on the very edge of it. The blood pressure cuff wrapped around her arm and the whirring of the machine filled the room. The machine released her arm and the nurse removed the band. “122/76. That’s almost perfect. Alright, get up and we’ll get a weight and a urine sample.”

Eliza followed the nurse out of the room and down the hall to the scale where she stepped up. She watched the nurse move the small weight across. And then across more. And more.

“147. How much were you pre-pregnancy?”

“Uh, I weighed about 121 a few months ago but my doctor was trying to get me to gain weight.” It made Eliza uncomfortable that everyone kept telling her she was definitely pregnant. Did she really look that obviously pregnant?

“Okay, when was that?”

“I think February?”

“Alright you’ve gained quite a bit but I think that puts you in the perfect weight zone currently. How far along are you?”

Eliza stepped off the scale. “Uh, I don’t know. I only took the test this morning. Maybe three months?”

“Alright, the doctor will probably send you out for a sonogram just to make sure everything is okay with the baby. Don’t worry, it’s just routine,” she said at Eliza’s wide-eyed reaction. “But you’ll also get a reading on how far along you are.” She held up a plastic cup. “Okay, so you’re going to get a urine sample, cap it tight, put it behind the little door in there, and the doctor will meet you back in your room. Okay?”

“Okay,” replied Eliza, grabbing the cup.

She locked herself in the bathroom and stared at the cup. She just went pee at home. She didn’t even have to go then either. She shrugged and pulled down her pants, sitting on the cold toilet seat. Somewhere from the recesses of her bladder, she managed to get a sample in the cup. She crinkled her nose as she tightened the cap and set it inside the tiny door on the wall.

She stood up, the toilet flushing automatically behind her. “Holy shhh-” she trailed as she pulled up her pants and adjusted her clothes. She looked in the mirror as she washed her hands. How was she supposed to tell Alexander about this?

She went to the room and sat on the edge of the exam bed, her heart pounding in her chest. She could hear people walking outside the door as well as the woman in the next room. A knock sounded on the door to her room and she sat up straight on the bed. The doctor peeked her head in and smiled.

“Mrs Hamilton? Hi, I’m Dr Reynolds. How are you doing today?”

Eliza smiled back nervously. “I’m doing well, thank you.”

“Alright, Mrs Hamilton, so it says here that you’ve come in to confirm a pregnancy?”

Eliza nodded. “Yeah. I think it’s less of a confirmation now that everyone makes me feel huge. I feel stupid, almost, for taking so long to realize that I’ve missed my period.”

“Okay, so how long has it been?”

“It’s been at least three months since my last period. I don’t have an exact date but I could look at a calendar and figure it out. It started the Wednesday before my sister’s wedding back in April.”

“Okay, so we ran your urine test for an hCg sample, and it came back positive, so you definitely are pregnant. Congratulations.” Dr Reynolds smiled again. “That means that today, I’m going to feel your stomach and measure the baby. Looking at your stomach, and taking in your last menstrual cycle into account, I’m going to assume that you’re far enough along to feel the baby. Based on your last period, I’m going to guess that you’re due sometime around early February. Then, I’m going to take some vaginal and cervical swabs to test for any STIs. It’s purely routine. And after that I’ll send you for a sonogram so we can get a better estimate at how far along you are. Okay?”

Eliza nodded again, feeling overwhelmed at all the information in her head.

The doctor stood up and got a gown and sheet from the cupboard on the wall. “Okay, so I’m going to go back out for a few minutes. I’ll leave this gown with you. I need you to completely strip. The tie goes in the back, but there’s really no sense in tying it since I’ll need to do a breast exam while you’re here. The sheet will keep you covered while I move your gown around, that way you’re not completely exposed. So here’s these,” she said handing over the thin fabrics. “And I’ll be back in a few.” She pulled the door shut with a click behind her and Eliza stood up from the bed and shucked off her shoes.

She stripped off her jeans and set them on the chair, folding them as she moved. She pulled the t-shirt over her head and added that to the jeans on the chair. She grabbed the gown and pulled it up her arms, wrapping it around her. She pushed her underwear to her ankles and stepped out of it, folding it and hiding it under the t-shirt. She pulled the gown around her tight as she could before hopping up on the bed and sitting down.

The silence was deafening as she looked around the room. She was sure to focus on her breathing as the situation suddenly just became so much more real. She was feeling anxious the longer she was left alone and she was waiting for the gentle knock on the door.

The moment she heard knuckles on the door, she breathed a sigh of relief. “Are you decent?”

“As decent as I can be in this gown,” joked Eliza.

Dr Reynolds walked in, her dark curls bouncing around her face. “I completely understand that,” she laughed. The nurse walked in behind her, grabbing gloves from the box on the counter. “So Miss Allison is here to hand me the swabs, and then she’ll leave and it’ll be just you and me for the rest of it, okay? So there’s no need to be so tense.”

Eliza smiled nervously and nodded her head. The doctor’s demeanor was putting her at ease little by little.

“Alright, I’m gonna need you to lay down,” she said, her hand on Eliza’s back to help her back.

Eliza laid back, her feet lifting to rest on the footrest Dr Reynolds had pulled out. Her back was curving at an odd angle, but she stayed quiet, shuffling in place. A sheet was placed over her waist as her gown was pulled up slightly.

“Okay, so I want you to put your ankles together, and let your knees fall apart. I’m gonna take a couple swabs.” The nurse held out the swabs, along with the empty container to seal the samples in and Eliza stared at the ceiling, waiting for it to be done. The snap of the q-tip handle sounded as Dr Reynolds put the sample in the container and the nurse took the lube and squeezed a dollop onto the doctor’s gloves before she left the room, samples in tow. “Okay, so now I’m just going to feel your cervix, and make sure it’s not dilated, and if it hurts at all, I want you to tell me.”

The doctor spread Eliza’s legs slightly and Eliza looked everywhere but the doctor.

“Does this hurt?”

Eliza shook her head. It wasn’t the most comfortable thing, but it didn’t hurt. The doctor stepped back up and pulled the sheet completely down past Eliza’s knees. She pulled off her gloves and grabbed a new pair, tossing the old pair in the garbage.

“In all reality, I should have done the breast exam first, but Allison is going on break and I didn’t think you wanted your first appointment here to have everyone seeing everything.” She pulled the top of Eliza’s gown back. “Okay, have you ever had a breast exam?”

“This is my first time being to an OB/gyn at all, so no. My primary care doctor doesn’t do that, and I’ve never been taught to do it myself.”

“What you’re gonna do,” she said, holding up two fingers. “Once a month, you’re going to start at your nipple and press using small circles until you feel your entire breast. You’ll feel things that feel like the squishy part of your finger, that’s normal. Those are milk ducts. They’ll get a little bit harder as you start coming into your milk, but you should never feel any hard lumps, that feel like the back of your fingers, the boney part. If you do, come in immediately. So, once a month, do a self breast exam.” She eased Eliza’s arm out of the gown and lifted the arm above her head. “Make sure your arm is above your head, okay? Because the breast tissue goes all the way up under your armpit.”

She moved to Eliza’s other side and finished the breast exam, easing Eliza’s arms back into the sleeves. “All good. So now I’m going to measure your uterus. I’ll just take a measuring tape and hold it against your stomach, and then I’ll get you an appointment for a sonogram today and we’ll be all done here after I check the baby’s heartbeat.”

She moved to the cupboard and rummaged through, grabbing a folded up paper tape measure. She held one end directly on Eliza’s pubic bone, her other hand slowly pressing into her stomach, moving up.

“Okay, so the top of your uterus is right here,” she said, pressing into Eliza’s stomach. “It’s just above your belly button. Do you wanna feel?”

Eliza’s hand moved down to press into her stomach. “And that’s my baby in there?”

“That’s your baby,” she replied smiling. “And-” She places the tape measure right where her fingers had left. “According to this measurement, you’re somewhere around eighteen weeks along.” She tossed the tape measure in the garbage and turned back to the table, fetal heart monitor in hand. She moved the sheet back over Eliza’s waist, lifting the gown once she was properly covered. The doctor grabbed a bottle of lube and squeezed it onto the wand before pressing it against Eliza’s abdomen.

There was a swishing noise that filled the room, empty static that shifted as the wand moved across her stomach before a quick pattering flooded from the speakers. Eliza’s eyes grew wide, a smile shining on her face as she realized that she was hearing her baby’s heartbeat. “Oh my god, there’s really a baby in there.” She wiped at the tears that were welling in her eyes. “Can I record this on my phone?”

“Yeah, absolutely.”

Eliza turned and reached for her phone sitting on the chair before moving back. She opened the voice memos and began recording as Dr Reynolds found the heartbeat again. The sound of the heart beating filled the room as Eliza continued recording.

“The baby’s heart rate is 146. That’s right in the correct range.” She removed the heart monitor and clicked it off, the room becoming quiet again.

“Wow,” breathed Eliza as she turned her phone off. She grabbed the paper towel the doctor offered her and wiped the gel off her stomach.

The doctor held the heart monitor in one hand and grabbed Eliza’s hands with the other to help her sit up. “What I’m going to do now is write you a prescription for prenatal pills. You can either use those, which I recommend, or you can go to the store and get some over the counter prenatal pills. But you need to start taking them right away.” She grabbed the laptop from the counter and looked at the notes the nurse had left. “Okay, so I’m going to see what time they can get you in for a sonogram at the hospital.”

Eliza stared down at her stomach. There was really a baby in there.

“It seems like they can fit you in today around 3:30. Does that work for you?”

“Yeah, that’s perfect. I’m having a girl’s day with my sisters, so I’ll probably be in town until they decide they’re done with me,” she joked.

Dr Reynolds smiled. “Alright, so I’ll book an appointment for you. Now you’ve got time to go out, get something to eat, do a little shopping. One thing that they recommend for the ultrasound is having a full bladder. It can help make it easier to see the baby and get a clearer picture. So drink lots of water, which you should be doing anyway.” She stood up. “I’ll see you back here in a month. You can get your clothes back on and make an appointment with the front desk. Have a great day, Mrs Hamilton.”

Eliza changed back into her clothes fairly quickly and walked out to the receptionist’s desk. “I need an appointment for one month.”

The receptionist started clicking her nails against the keyboard while the receptionist that signed her in cane over. “Did you talk to the doctor about doing the mural?”

“Uh, no, it didn’t really come up. I was too busy being in disbelief that there actually is a baby in there.”

The receptionist laughed and waved Dr Reynolds back over. “Mrs Hamilton here said she’s a painter and expressed interest in painting the waiting room mural.”

“Call me Eliza, please.”

Dr Reynolds smiled. “Then call me Maria. Do you have any examples of your work I could look at?”

Eliza opened her phone and searched through her Facebook. “I put most of my projects on Facebook, so I should be able to- Oh here they are.” She handed her phone over to the doctor. “I haven’t done any large scale projects in a couple months but these are a few I did for last Christmas.”

“Eliza, these are phenomenal. Are you seriously interested in the waiting room mural?”

“Yeah, absolutely. I saw the concept art and the idea is gorgeous. I’d love to do it. It would probably only take me a couple weeks if you’ve already got the supplies and the mock-up.”

Maria handed the phone back to Eliza. “I think your work is beautiful, and you couldn’t have come at a better time. The office will be closed next week and the week after so our staff can have a vacation. We’d pay half now, half when the job is done. It’s a $5000 job total, so we’d give you $2500 now and the other when you’re done. Does that sound good?”

“That sounds amazing. I can start on Saturday if that work for you guys.”

“That works. So let me get you the money, and I’ll call you with any other information.” Maria disappeared behind the counter into her office and came back with a check with the hospital emblem on it. “So there’s that, and I’ll call you if I think of anything else okay?”

“Sounds good,” Eliza smiled, tucking the check into her purse.

“Alright, I’ll see you Saturday then. Have a good day, Eliza. Don’t forget your sonogram appointment today.”

“I won’t,” she said, smiling as the doctor walked away.

The receptionist handed her an appointment card. “It’s September 21 at 1:00. We’ll see you then.”

“Thank you so much. Have a good day.”

“You too,” replied the receptionist as Eliza left through the door.

She walked to her sister’s car and climbed in, her energy levels through the roof.

Peggy was asleep in the back but Angelica turned to her as soon as she sat down. “So?”

Eliza started to tear up. “There’s a baby in there,” she laughed, wiping away tears. “There’s really a baby in there.” She opened her phone to the voice recording. “Listen.”

The sound of the heart beating filled the small car. Angelica was in awe, listening to the recording. “Wow, E. That’s awesome.”

“I have a sonogram in a couple hours, think you can bring me?”

“Of course, we’re here for you today, even if Peggy is in the back sleeping. So what do you want to do until then?”

“I’m starving. Can we go to KFC or something? I really want mashed potatoes.”

“A craving, eh?”

Eliza rolled her eyes. “No, I just really like mashed potatoes. You know that.” Angelica murmured an ‘mm-hmm’ as she pulled out of the parking space and turned onto the road. “Peggy, wake up,” Eliza said, slapping at her sister. “We’re going to KFC.”

“Drive through?”

“Why can’t we just go in and sit down?” Angelica asked her sister.

“I don’t want to. I’m comfy back here.”

“You’ve been sleeping on a blanket that John and I have sex on when we go out for picnics. Just throwing that out there.”

Peggy shot up. “You’re disgusting. You let me sleep on that!”

Eliza burst out laughing. “It’s not like you asked, Pegs.”

“Well yeah but she could have warned me! That’s disgusting. Ugh. You’re gross. You’re both gross. Having sex. And you can’t even deny it Eliza because you’re pregnant and I doubt it’s the baby Jesus.”

Eliza was laughing to the point of tears when Angelica piped up. “Peggy, you’ve been having sex since you were a college freshman. Don’t even deny it because I could hear you guys every time you would bring one home.”

“Okay, listen…”

They turned into KFC and ate, joking around the entire time. Eliza finished her food in record time, having not eaten since dinner the night before.

Peggy poked at her stomach. “Are you sure that’s not a food baby in there, ‘Liza?”  

Eliza blushed. “I didn’t have breakfast this morning. So sue me. Also, give me your mashed potatoes.” She swiped Peggy’s potatoes from her and dipped her fork in the container.

“Hey!”

“Hey, I’m eating for two now. You don’t need the calories, I do. Sure I only need, like, three hundred extra calories a day, but whatever. It’ll be fine.” She looked down at the time on her phone and noticed a text from Alexander.

Hey, Betsey, I hope you’re having a good time with the girls. The guys came over to our house so they’ll probably be there when you get back. I love you, Eliza.

She sent a picture of her sisters sitting across from her, Peggy shoving a forkful of chicken in her mouth, Angelica smiling at the camera. We’re at KFC right now. I think they’re gonna keep me out as long as possible. But I’ll be home for dinner tonight. Maybe I’ll bring home a treat.  

I shall count the hours until I see your beautiful face again, my dearest.   

Eliza smiled and put her phone down again, noting the time before it shut off. “We still have an hour and a half until my next appointment. What do you guys want to do?”

Angelica’s eyes brightened. “Let Peggy and I buy you some maternity clothes!”

“Guys, I can’t let you pay for me, and I don’t know how I could pay you back.”

Angelica scoffed. “We’re your sisters, E. It’s called that’s-what-you-do-for-the-people-you-love. And if you’re not here to pick them out with us now, we’ll just do it later and make it a gift for you. So really it’s your choice of now or later.”

“I’m going to pay you back somehow.”

“You can worry about that later. Now let’s go shopping.”

Angelica made it to the mall in almost no time flat, speeding into a parking spot right next to the doors. The three women stepped out and walked to the doors, Angelica leading the way.

“Ange, I don’t even know what stores sell maternity clothes here.”

“There’s an entire store dedicated to mommy-to-be needs,” she grinned. “You’re not getting out of this.”

Eliza groaned and trudged after her sisters, following them into a store. A maternity store. For mother-to-be. Like her.

Breathing suddenly became harder to handle as she walked through the racks with her sisters. Angelica would pause to pull a shirt or dress off the rack and hold it up beside Eliza, looking to see if it would fit, or match her complexion, or something. Every so often, Angelica would ask her if she liked something, only for her to nod or shake her head.

Peggy walked up with an armful of skirts, jeans, and maternity bras. “I’ve already picked out what I’m buying you, so deal.”

“Pegs, I don’t think I need that many pants.”

“Well some of them are shorts, and there’s some jeans, and some leggings, and a couple of skirts. And I got you cute bras because everyone deserves cute bras.”

“Peggy, I have bras,” she said, exasperated.

“But not cute mommy bras that are cute, comfy, and functional.” She set them on the counter. “And they’re all in your size, and they’re having a BOGO deal, so stop complaining and let us pamper you or I’m taking you to get a mani-pedi next.”

“And a haircut,” piped Angelica from behind a stack of shirts and dresses. “I’m ready to check out too.”

“Guys, I don’t need all of this,” she whined looking at the piles of clothes.

“I got you a cute cardigan,” Eliza said. “I don’t know what the difference is between a cardigan and a maternity cardigan but it’s cute and you’re getting it and you can’t be mad at me because I know you want one.”

“I really do,” she grumbled. “Okay, I’m going to go wait outside so I don’t hear the totals and have a heart attack, okay?” She put a bottle of lotion on the counter. “Can one of you get this too?”

“I’ll get it,” offered Peggy. “I’m pretty sure my total is going to be less anyway.”

Eliza rubbed her temples and walked out of the store, sitting on a bench outside the store. She doubled in half, resting her head on her knees; or as close as she could get. She dragged her hands down her face and watched her sisters in the store. It seemed like forever before they came out, bags in tow. “Did I break your bank?”

“No, if anything we broke our banks. Because let’s be honest, we have no self control,” said Angelica.

“We really don’t,” agreed Peggy. “And you’re our favorite sister so it’s only fair.”

“You really are,” whispered Angelica. “Where to next?”

“Can we go home before my appointment? We can drop this stuff off.” Eliza breathed heavily as she stood up. “Peggy, I think I’m going to take the back seat this time. I don’t feel so good.”

“Like, morning sickness don’t-feel-good?”

Eliza shook her head. “No, like, how-the-hell-am-I-supposed-to-tell-Alexander-about-this anxiety. And nerves. And I feel like I’m going to throw up. What if he hates me for it? What if he wants me to get an abortion?”

“Okay, first off, you’re being ridiculous, ‘Liza. Alexander may be pro-choice, but he’d never want to have his own child aborted. Second off, if he acts like a dick, Ange and I will beat the fuck out of him. Sister’s honor. But Eliza, you know he wouldn’t act like that. Even if you guys are having money troubles, he’ll want that baby as much as he wants you. And maybe he’ll stop being so proud of himself and blast that ego of his and take some money from daddy. He just wants to help, Eliza.”

“I know that. But Alexander just sees it as a handout. And he doesn’t want that. He’d rather pay daddy back no matter how long it takes.”

“Maybe you can get it through his thick skull and tell him that he needs to worry more about this baby than his pride.”

“You know Peggy has a point, E.”

Eliza opened the back door to the car and crawled inside. “Do you have something I can use as a pillow that you haven’t had sex on?”

“The blanket on the floor is clean.” Angelica said, loading the bags into the trunk.

“Really?!” Shrieked Peggy. “You couldn’t have given me the untainted blanket? I had to lay down on your raunchy exhibitionist blanket for picnic sex.”

“You never asked,” Angelica pointed out, climbing in the driver’s seat. “Maybe if you had asked, I would have told you. And it’s not raunchy exhibitionist sex. It’s sex on our own blanket in the woods behind our house where the only people that would find us would be trespassers. So it’s not really exhibitionism. Public sex? Maybe. But definitely not exhibitionism.”

“I’d probably be an exhibitionist tbh,” admitted Peggy. “But I don’t think Stephen is into that.”

“Who’s Stephen?!” Exclaimed Eliza, shooting up in place.

Peggy’s cheeks flushed. “He’s just a guy I’ve been seeing for a while.”

Angelica turned in her seat. “A while?! And you didn’t tell us?”

“Because you guys always act like this! Would you just start the car?” She crossed her arms. “I’ll tell you on the way to ‘Liza’s house.” She sighed deeply as Angelica turned on the main road. “Okay, so Stephen and I have been dating since Angelica’s wedding. He was one of the waiters that cane with your catering company. Well, when he was on break, I sat down and talked with him for a while and we hit it off immediately. I had planned on introducing you to him next week and that being how you found out. But obviously I blew it as usual.”

“So how come you haven’t told us of him before?” Eliza said from the back seat.

“Because you guys are kind of overbearing, especially you, Ange. I really like him and I didn’t want you to scare him away. We’ve been moving kinda fast though and we both decided it was time for him to meet my family. So we planned on having a party next week. But the cat’s out of the bag now so there’s really no point.”

“We can still have the party,” said Eliza. “And I’d just like to state, that for the record, Alexander is the overbearing one, not me.”

“Alright, fair enough. But still embarrassing.”

A silence settled over the car as they sat at a red light. Angelica was staring in the rear view mirror, Peggy was staring straight ahead, and Eliza laid back across the seat. “Do you have any pictures?”

Peggy snorted and threw her phone in the back seat, the photos app open. “It took you longer to ask than I thought. Just keep scrolling.”

“Ohh,” Eliza said. “He’s handsome. What a catch Pegs. You done good.” She scrolled to the side. “And apparently he’s well-hung.  I’m gonna keep scrolling.”

“What?! I put all of those pictures in photo vault.”

“Except that one apparently. It’s all good, I’ve scrolled past it already.” She looked at the new picture- both of them clothed thankfully, Peggy blushing as Stephen pressed a kiss to her cheek. “It was a very artsy photo though. Did you take it?”

“Elizaaa,” Peggy whined, Angelica laughing beside her. “Shut up.”

“I’m just curious! You guys look so happy together. It’s really cute,” she commented, scrolling through more photos. “Is this an after-sex selfie?” She turned the phone toward her sister, showing her the photo.

“Lemme see,” she said, turning around and grabbing at her phone. A smile crept across her face as she looked at the photo. “Yeah, I guess it is.” She was curled into Stephen’s side, her face buried in his chest. The look on both of their faces was pure bliss, comfort, and contentment. “Oh, god,” Peggy sniffled, holding back tears. “I’m so in love with him.”

“Aww,” Angelica crooned. “My baby sister has got it bad. You’re still having the party right? We get to meet him?”

“Yeah,” Peggy sighed. “I guess so. But you’d better not embarrass me. Got it?”

“Well…” Eliza began.

“Got. It?” she asked through her teeth.

“Yes, Margarita, we got it. We would never ever ever purposely embarrass you.” Angelica sniggered from the driver’s seat. “Never ever.”

“You guys are so full of shit, you know that?” Peggy crossed her arms and slouched in her seat. She tossed her phone back at Eliza. “Might as well keep looking.”

Eliza scrolled through the pictures, crooning here and there at some particularly cute photos. “You guys look so happy together.”

“We are.” Peggy smiled from the front seat. “We really are.”

Angelica turned her car into the apartment parking lot and shifted it into park. “Are you ready to bring your stuff upstairs?”

“Oh, god, Alexander can’t see these bags. They have maternity plastered all over the side of them.”

“I’ll make up an elaborate story,” Angelica said, waving her hand noncommittally. “No one will know the difference.”

“He’s Alexander, Ange. He’ll figure it out.”

Peggy grabbed the bags. “Then we’ll distract him.”

Eliza grabbed her phone. Are the guys still there with you?

Yeah, why? He replied almost immediately.

Just wondering. We’ll be right up.  

“He said the guys are still in the apartment. Please help me.”

“Do you have your set of car keys on you?” Peggy said, walking to the small blue car parked a few spots away.

“Yeah, it’s on my keychain. Why?”

Peggy snatched the keys that Eliza had held out in her hand. “We’ll just stuff them in the trunk. He won’t know until after you can tell him.”

Eliza nodded and grabbed some of the bags from Angelica’s car. “That actually is a really good idea.”

“Well, obviously,” Peggy snorted. “I came up with it.” She tossed the bags into the trunk and slammed it closed. “Now let’s go upstairs. But we have to be quick. Your appointment is in twenty minutes.”

The three women walked up the stairs, Peggy pulling a dreadful Eliza and Angelica following them. “Eliza you have to tell him sooner or later.”

“I know, Ange. Apparently it’s super obvious and everyone at the stupid doctor’s office could tell and I just don’t want to be like, ‘hey, Alex, you know how we’re struggling to survive? Well we’ll be having a baby in four months, so prepare yourself to stop eating or living.’”

“Well, that’s just unrealistic, Eliza. You would never tell him like that. First of all, you never call him Alex. Second of all, just open your front door and lady up. Go tell him.” Angelica nudged Eliza towards the door. “What’s the worst that could happen?”

“A lot of things, Angelica! A lot of things! He could-”

Peggy threw open the door. “We’re back losers!” She proclaimed, draping herself over Lafayette and Hercules’s laps on the couch.

“Peggy, really?” Angelica chastised. “You’re old enough to know better.”

“Yeah, Ange, but you’re young enough to live it up a bit and you don’t do that, so it seems as though we are at an impasse.” She smirked before looking at the guys. “There’s gonna be a party at my place next week and you’re invited,” she began to drone.

Eliza walked up behind Alexander and pressed a kiss to his cheek. “Can we talk?”

“Eliza, you’ll never have to worry about me not wanting to talk. I literally never shut up. You’ve been married to me for how long now? And you still can’t figure that out?” The smile on his face made it evident that he was joking, no matter how true it was.

“Can we talk in private? Go out on the fire escape maybe?”

Alexander’s smile fell from his face. “Yeah, sure. Let me put my drink on the table and I’ll be right there.”

Eliza walked through the bedroom to the fire escape and sat down, the cold metal pressing into the backs of her legs. Alexander walked through and sat beside her, their legs dangling through the safety rails.

“What’s going on Betsey?”

She leaned into him, her head on his chest. “I just missed you,” she whispered, inhaling the smell of his cologne.

He wrapped his arm around her and pulled her even closer. She lifted her legs up from over the edge and curled them into her chest. “Oh, ‘Liza. I’m always right here for you.”

“I know,” she said. For now, her mind provided. “What did you guys do today?”

“You’ll never believe it, Betsey. We were sitting in that coffee shop a few blocks over, right? And I’m complaining about how no one is buying my writings, and I’d basically do anything for a job right now, and this guy walks up to our table and it like, ‘I couldn’t help but overhear,’ yadda yadda yadda and long story short, he offered me a job as editor for the newspaper. It’s not glamorous or anything, but it’s $66,000 starting salary, benefits, healthcare.”

“Oh, Alexander, that’s wonderful!”

“It’s not anything special, but it’s better than nothing, right?”

“Oh absolutely! I actually got a job offer today, too. $2500 up front, the other $2500 when it’s done.” She pulled the check from her purse and showed Alexander.

“The hospital?”

“They want me to paint a mural for one of their office waiting rooms. Everything is starting to fall in place.” She leaned against Alexander’s chest. “It’s for their women’s health office.” They sat in silence for a few seconds, Eliza listening to Alexander’s heartbeat pounding in her ear. It was much slower than the heartbeat she was listening to earlier. “Alexander, do you ever want kids?”

“I haven’t really ever thought about it. Most of my childhood was spent in less than pleasing conditions. My mother died when I was young, my father left even before that, I don’t even know what a parent is supposed to do. I don’t think so. I don’t know. Maybe eventually but definitely not now. Not until we’re settled down even more and have an actual house instead of the apartment. I want us to be financially stable before we even really think about having kids. Why do you ask?”

“Uh, I saw a newborn when I was in the women’s health building earlier. I was just wondering,” she said, tears welling in her eyes. “Can you just hold me for a bit? It’s been quite the day. I missed my husband.”

“Let’s go back into our room then, Betsey. You’re shaking.”

“Oh, I must be a little cold,” she agreed, pawing at the tears in her eyes before standing up. She wrapped her arms around herself, hiding her midsection. She crawled in the window and threw herself on the bed, curling up on herself.

“Eliza? What’s wrong? Was it something I said?”

“Please just come hold me.”

Alexander crawled into bed beside her, his arms wrapping around her ribs to pull her close. One hand found its way to her hair, where he carded his fingers through the pin straight locks. “You’re so beautiful, Eliza,” he whispered in her ear. “You are the definition of beauty itself. I’m so lucky to have you in my life.” He pressed his nose against the crook of her neck and breathed happily. “I’ll still never know how you married a man like me, Betsey.”

Eliza’s body was still shaking with her crying, her eyes staring blankly at the door in front of her. She could feel Alexander pressing kisses up and down her neck, but she didn’t react.

Alexander sat up behind her and eased his face in front of hers, his body hovering just above her. “Eliza, what’s wrong? Did I say something wrong? Please, Elizabeth, I can’t help unless I know what’s wrong. I thought you’d be excited to have a commission, and excited that I have a real job lined up.”

She remained staring at the door and Alexander launched himself off the bed, running through the door to the living room. He brought Angelica back, pulling her by the arm into the bedroom.

“I don’t know what I did wrong. We were out talking and now she’s like this and now she won’t talk to me or answer or react to anything I do. Please Angelica. Help me. I don’t know what I did.”

Angelica sat on the edge of the bed. “E, can you hear me?” She eased her sister’s head off the pillow and scooted under it, Eliza’s head resting on her lap. “Alexander, go get her a glass of water.” She rubbed Eliza’s hair soothingly, humming as she played with her dark hair. “What’s wrong, Eliza?”

Eliza began sobbing. “He said he definitely doesn’t want children now. Maybe not ever.”

“Oh, Eliza. I’m sure he didn’t mean that.”

“I asked him if he ever wanted children and he said he doesn’t think so, and then that he doesn’t know, and then definitely not right now.” Her body was shaking harder from the sobbing. “Because of the money.”

“Well did you tell him? Did you tell him everything about-?”

“No, I couldn’t. Not after he said that,” she cried.

“Eliza, babe, you need to tell him.” She sat her sister up on the bed, easing Eliza’s head to her chest, pulling her into a hug. “He deserves to know.”

“I deserve to know what?” Alexander asked, hand clenched around a glass of water. Angelica held her hand out for it and he pressed it into her palm. “Tell me what?”

Angelica handed Eliza the water and watched her drink it before standing up. “I think you two have some talking to do.”

“Angelica, no-”

“I’ll be right out in the kitchen, holler if you need me.”

“Angelica, I need you!” Eliza cried.

“Alexander, instead of talking, you might want to consider listening for once,” she said before she closed the bedroom door behind her.

The air in the bedroom suddenly felt heavy. Eliza stood up and moved to the window, throwing it open before sitting on the floor.

“Eliza, I need you to talk to me. Please. I can’t help you if I don’t know what I did wrong.” He sat down on the floor and grabbed her hand. “Eliza, pl-”

“I’m pregnant.”

[sleepy-ocean-girl]

The things you say come from a place of such privilege that you aren't even able to try to understand how much suffering capitalism causes people who aren't as privileged as you. People with disabilities or diseases who aren't able to work are being fucked over by your so loved American system everyday. They get basically no support from the government whatsoever if they aren't able to work. And then they also have to buy medication somehow which is extremely expensive. So let's say you don't have a job because you can't work, and then have to decide if you want to use the little bit of money you do have on either rent or your medication. You're either gonna end up on the streets or in a way worse condition possibly even dead. Disabilities are things that people have 0 control over but because these people are "useless" Capitalism and governments deem these people unworthy of living. And now people like you come along saying "well it's their own fault for being lazy" when in reality this is 100% the fault of capitalism. Medication literally doesn't have to be as expensive as it is. Do you know how fucking easy it is to produce insulin? The cost of it is so low that a person should be able to buy insulin that lasts them a whole year for about 100$ and yet the average amount of money a person in the US has to pay for it in a year is 1200$. THATS what capitalism does. It makes you believe that it is necessary for you to spend this much money in order to survive or live a decent life when in reality the government and companies just want a way to get more money from you. People die because they don't have the money they need for medication or other treatments just because the rich people want to become even richer and now you go out of your way to defend these people and capitalism. And we've only scratched the surface of this topic, cause we've only talked about disabled people so far but there are so many more people suffering from capitalism. So yes I will dismantle this system every day of my life.

Also this wasn't about communism until you made it about it. And I honestly think that people who think that the absence of capitalism or certain aspect of it equals communism are just not very educated on that matter at all. So the things you say don't just come from a place of privilege but also from a lack of education which means it's actually just a waste of time to be discussing this topic with you.

Oh and also "sunshine" I live in a country that used to be a communist country and my entire family had to live in this communist society. And Im not a communist and most of my family isnt either and I also do not condone the deaths communism in this country has caused. (Very sure Capitalism has cause WAY way more deaths btw) But while it hasn't been a communist country in some time it is still very noticeable that it used to be one and to be honest I'm happy about these things that remind me I don't have to live in such an extreme state of capitalism as the USA. I was in a clinic for 4 months I needed taxis to drive me there and back home and I was under medication for more than year and guess what? I didn't pay a single cent for it. And that's what socialism is. And it works. People who say it doesn't are just scared they can't profit of people in need anymore.

So how about you go to a family in your beloved USA who has lost their relative because they couldn't pay the medical bills and tell them "Well it's their own fault that they died. They just didn't have enough motivation for work"

[vibrant-goddess]

yeah im drinking a bit at 130am i have to be at work in five hours but im SAD and i hate my coworkers and im gonna stay up and feel like shit all week so you know fuck it im gonna bitch about it on main bc im tired of giving a fuck about what people think of me and im not putting it under the cut because i seriously dont fucking care

i shoulda bought more cigarillosi havent fucking smoked in seven years like my parents found my cigars when i was a baby adult and yelled at me so i tossed them and never looked back

except now i live on my own in a tiny shitty room that is cheap enough for me to pay off my student loans real fucking fast living with two extremely adorable dogs(they’re my roommates) who dont like being petted so what even are they good for except dragging in dead animals all the fucking time and leaving hair everywhere literally i had to stop baking for my coworkers because no matter how clean i was i ALWAYS FOUND MORE FUCKING FUR but its fine because i don’t like these coworkers anyways

like i know i work in tech but what are the fucking chances that my team would be four white blonde guys(at least two are blue eyed) in their early thirties and then me like what the FUCK and i still have two more months with these fuckers. i have to figure out how to survive eight more weeks with these people who don’t like or respect me. i feel like a goddamn token minority hire and it makes me want to quit. like, just straight up two weeks notice i don’t give a FUCK about completing the rest of my work i don’t give a FUCK about helping this team i don’t give a FUCK about this work assignment my coworkers are so fucking dismissive and passive aggressive AT BEST and whiny turds at worst. i hate coming in at 630 and leaving at 345 without taking a lunch so my work has gotten like 10 extra hours of work for me thats literally, after tax, another student loan payment.

im so fucking miserable here. this town is so fucking small. theres nothing to do here except spend twenty dollars to go to tea except i have to do it myself bcause i dont know how to fucking interact wioth people

and then i thought this month oh ill try to get people i like together for halloween movies at my house except my house is a disaster because my roommate doesnt know how to fucking clean her shit up

literally her dogs shit on the couch and she took hours to do a half assed job of cleaning up. i cleaned the table, the kitchen, the floors, everything, and within two weeks she covered the newly cleaned surfaces with her shit. and like, its like pulling teeth to even get her to move her shit from the dryer after a MONTH so i know any sort of cleaning isn;t going to get done by her

like i thought leaving my parents house would make things so much better i thought the distance would allow me to finally live like an adult, but im essentially living the same fucking life, overextended by my responsibilities, depressed to the point of ideation, too anxious to talk to anyone, except now i have quadruple the bills, still no fucking s/o because apparently im totally unfuckable like even this fucking loser from target ghosted me, and my parents passive aggressively text me everyday because i don’t update them all the time on my THRILLING life that consists of a nine hour work day, three hours of studying for a professional exam that my work won’t pay for, and two hours of costume shit based on a character in a game series i don’t even fucking like for a party im not even going to attend 

and like the obvious answer is drop the costume shit, block your parents for a couple weeks, and go to therapy. i hurried i RUSHED to get my own health insurance so i could finally finally get therapy, only to find out that if my work finds out im getting therapy theyll block any chance at promotion and in this small shitty town there are ten total therapists in a sixty mile radius, only two of which specialize in the CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) except one is a dude and the other does christian counseling and i fucking refuse to interact with religion i dropped any pretense of religion four years ago and im not fucking going back and if you even FUCKING mention it to me i stg so i guess i have to take my chances with the dude

god i dont want to go to work tomorrow but ive p consistently taken a day off every two weeks and im trying to save up my leave for when i want to just fucking ditch out for a week next year after i pay off my student loans

like EVERYTHING WAS SUPPOSED TO BE BETTER ONCE I MOVED. i told myself oh everything will be better once i transfer except it wasnt i got even more stressed and felt more pressure. i told myself oh everything will be bettwe once i graduate except not only was it not but i hit the worst period of my life after graduating i couldn’t socialize i couldn’t speak i just laid on the floor of my childhood room crying and cutting myself because i couldn’t functgion because life didnt have purpose anymore. i told myself oh everything will be better once i move out once im away from the environment tht made me sick BUT GUESS WHAT TUMBLR the FUCKING ENVIRONMENT THAT MADE ME SICK WAS ME. GUESS WHAT I’M THE TOXIC PRESENCE IN MY LIFE. GUESS WHAT YOU CAN’T RUN AWA FROM YOUR OWN BRAIN.

im so fucking tired of trying im so tired of waiting for things to get better i keep trying things i did cbt on my own for months and it did nothing i drank a lot for a month and it did nothing but make me pee a lot i smoked again and it didn’t help i start cutting again and it did nothing like the only vice i have is eating except to pay off my student loans asap my food budget got stripped so i cant even do that and im just. im so fucking tired of this. im tired of throwing money at my student loan app. im tired of having no room besides my bed so i have to cut fabric while laying under my bed because there no room for me and my cutting mat. im tired of spending every weekend studying my fe study materials for an exam to get a certification my work doesn’t care about whatsoever. im tired of not feeling excited about anything. this is usually my favorite month of the year and i havent done a single fall activity. i dont know why the only person in this stupid city who likes me is the dude who realized im the only single black girl in the city and therefore has decided to make it his mission to try to wear me down so he can fuck me. im tired of working in a team where i have to be the voice of all women all black people and all queer people. im tired of having to either report my comings and goings to my parents from two hundred miles away when they don’t pay for any of my shit(in fact, i pay for some of their shit and they still demand updates like they’re entitled to my fucking life) hold on im getting another drink

and like if i want to even be considered one of the team i have to perform to perfection better than the other fuckers on the team whic means i have to show up before the earliest arriver and leave after my boss leaves and i still gotta do all my personal shit and i cant take a lunch and im UFKCKING SICK OF IT. the other team in our open office is a million times more diverse, they actually communicate and discuss shit. their boss is a woman and they occasionally have women on their team on assignment. they spent an hour debating and charting pizza topping preferences so they could order pizza together. meanwhile, my team cant even be assed to actually ask me a question. 

i dont fucking want to go to work tomorrow. i dont want to fucking go back to this team ever again. my boss offered me a permanent position and i didnt know how to tell him that i hate this team and i cant wait to leave and mute the team server forever and if my next assignment didnt require an additional security thing(DESPITE THE FACT THAT I’VE NEVER STEPPED OUT OF LINE MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE I HAD GOOD HS ATTENDANCE I PARTICIPATED IN CLUBS I GOT A FUCKING NATIONAL AWARD I VOLUNTEERED WITH A CHRISTIAN CHURCH I PARTICIPATED IN CLUBS AND STUDENT ORGS IN COLLEGE I DIDNT DRINK A SIP OF ALCOHOL UNTIL I WAS 21 I DIDN’T SMOKE UNTIL I WAS 18 I NEVER TRIED ANY DRUGS NOT EVEN WEED IN FACT THE MOMENT DRUGS WERE PRESENT IN MY SOCIAL CIRCLES I LEFT THOSE SOCIAL CIRCLES AND NEVER LOOKED BACK I NEVER COMMITTED ANY CRIMES I NEVER ASSOCIATED WITH ANYONE WHO DID CRIMES IVE NEVER LEFT THE COUNTRY AS AN ADULT I LITERALLY HAVE THE BACKGROUND OF SOMEONE WHO SPENT 25 YEARS SITTING IN A ROOM EATING SALTINES AND STARING AT A WALL UNTIL I STARTED WORKING) that is taking fucking forever despite my perfect background i would have left this assignment early AND i would have given them excellent documentation when i went.

im so fucking tired. im tired of everything.