#oh and bill being breakup core

[ghostboy-art]

Doodles

[iridescentttears]

my thoughts on the deal with the toxic ex thing we’ve got going on from a late night noncoherent ramble hot take:

the whole billford shipping is so fascinatingly heinous and foul and complex and infuriating and interesting that i certainly can’t look away and i’m intrigued by seeing more of the billford sexy kinky shipping, like that’s not the right word for it but u get it. and i won’t be mad when i see it again but i will slightly shake my head disapprovingly because i know that no iteration of billford is in any ways healthy.

and as someone who’s been through DV and emotional abuse situations it’s kinda odd to me that ppl are making serious and silly takes on, oh no they’re fucking n sucking, they’re kinky af. (and i know that’s an oversimplification on that regard as well but just like for the point of this i think you get what i mean— like it’s in my hc that they hooked up after karaoke and maybe for a while after that it was like a partnersitustionship and in the year of our good lord and savior casual by chappell roan it’s a perfect addition to the lore timing wise)

but also it’s like, no they’re in an unfair power dynamic. sure they each come to it with unique sets of trauma and experience. but one participant is way older way “smarter” way more manipulative and to me there’s no way for that to be sexy. it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

i also, from experience was filled with an overwhelming sense of peace and relief at the end of the book of bill when ford lets his family into his world, into his inner trauma, and they embrace him. they tell him that he’s not stupid or weak for being a victim of abuse they tell him that bill is a fucking loser! and he is. and the ppl who hurt me were fucking losers and so is every person who hurts people!! and having that moment when he was surrounded by their love, and he no longer felt shame and guilt from what happened in his past— that moment right there is what made the book something i will cherish. that’s a moment in the book where i out loud had a moment where i was like yes, this right here is the heart of what this is all about what gravity falls is at its core level.

like journal 1 taught me that i could embrace being weird and in the end i’ll turn out all right. the book of bill missing journal pages taught me that even tho ive had some shit happen to me and it’s changed who i am and how i see the world, i am more than a victim and if i allow myself to trust the ppl i love and let in the light, my past will not consume me and does not have to continue to be a part of my story. i can dance around in the woods with my niece and mock a triangle statue while wearing witch hats. i can grieve and move on and a lot of that is my internal work with myself like ford with himself, but its not done all alone, when you have love around you in your friends, in your chosen family whether they be by birth or not, that’s how you really learn to let it all go.

so in a way it’s really fucked up, the ship that is, but again i’m not mad at anyone who ships it. i’m sure you all have very different perspectives and thought and reasons that are totally valid, this is just how i feel from my perspective! i will continue to enjoy all the billford edits and fanart that comes across my page. i especially love anything to do with the breakup/divorce/ fiddleford, bill, ford love triangle angle. i love that shit

this is favorite thing on the internet rn:

@ raycipher2 on tiktok i think is the creator of this delightful viral sensation!

so i took a detour rant there, oops word vomit am i right?

if u read all this pls tell me if this makes any sense lmao

[thundergoodspeed]

so goddamn sick of people telling ppl there’s a right and wrong way to be poor/homeless/on welfare/whatever.

i’m poor. i’m making 16 an hour, 80 hours a paycheck, make enough for bills and rent and phone bill but guess what? i’m bad at money. i’m responsible enough to try and make payments on time but if i’m at the store and i see something that’s just outside my budget but i really want it? it’s bought. i see something tasty on clearance? mine. i wanna spoil my cat with slightly better food than i usually get? she’s getting it. final space has a LAST EVER shipment of merch coming out? you bet your ass i did the shop pay “pay in four”. and yeah, this is fucking stupid of me. but if i wanna get myself a nice snack because i’ve been having a rough and anxiety-filled few days that’s on me. the people who help me out, whether by commissioning me or by lending me a few bucks here and there, have seen me do this. some of them encourage me. because life fucking sucks and it’s nice to spring for the latest ffvii compilation release even if it puts me a bit in the hole because while i’m playing it i can relieve the fucking stress and anxiety that won’t otherwise go away. (doesn’t stop me from crying at the end of crisis core but fictional tears are better than real ones.)

on to rent. idk if it’s everywhere and i definitely have no idea if that’s what loke is doing (guess what? i have her blocked so i don’t know ANY of what she’s doing! 😯 shockerrrr) but here in college-rich utah if you need to move before your lease is up you can sell that lease to someone else. sometimes you have to. rent is being fucking gouged to hell. the last place i lived? i had to move because rent was going up by FOUR HUNDRED BUCKS and my sister, whom i was housing after a bad breakup and who didn’t have a job for more than a month at a time during that entire year and a half, wasn’t helping.

oh, and messy houses? mind fucking off about that? my house is a disaster atm because not all of us have the necessary executive function to keep an area clean. ever had adhd? y’all go on about ableism and then bitch that someone’s got a dirty house...literally check yourself.

you don’t know the circumstances. and people who are poor don’t owe you every single detail of why they’re poor. they don’t owe you their grocery receipts. they don’t owe you a screenshot of what their landlord is charging. and they don’t owe you the time of day. there is a certain level of transparency needed if they’re asking people to give out of the goodness of their hearts, but for the most part i’ll refer you to one of my favorite posts:

[pyroclastic727]

Notes from the crossover panel

Watch it here

Matt looks forward to the role reversal where Anne takes care of the Plantars

Anne’s parents will be fully-fledged characters and core cast members

Amphibia and Earth time travel at the same rate

Clip from Amphibia Season Three

“Marcy’s alive. She’s just gotta be. And with her and Sasha still stuck over there, one thing’s for sure: we gotta find a way back.” -Anne

Anne hides the frogs in the trash

“Oh, and I’m not gonna tell them that I plan to go back and stop Andrias. Or that Andrias betrayed us. Or that Marcy did. Or that Sasha did. And not a WORD about my weird glowing blue powers!” - Anne

Sprig doesn’t know what the blue powers are

Polly says that they’ll fix Frobo up in no time, and then meets a furby

Anne’s dad passed out when he saw Sprig

Anne’s parents have Thai accents!

Anne’s dad doesn’t like her hanging out with Sasha--a scene that was supposed to be in Reunion before being cut for time

Crossover Table Read

Dana and Matt have been anticipating a crossover table read for a while

“If you wanted me to help, you should have mentioned something two apple bloods ago” - Eda, to Luz

Hooty was a kitten, apparently

“I can’t believe it- another Anne? And better dressed!”

Anne called Luz her “bestie”

Sprig thinks that Maddie Flour would love to meet Luz

Eda likes Polly’s “chaotic energy”

“kid friendly hellscape on top of a giant carcass” Bonesborough is officially a carcass

Anne wants a sleepover with Luz

EDA AND HOP POP ARE FLIRTING I HATE IT HERE

Anne and Luz have a dramatic sleepover breakup and the voice actors strongly imply that we should make sleepover AUs

Anne, to Luz: “Never give up! You can do it! We’re both gonna get home, I just know it.”

Luz: “You’ve got that right. Take care, Anne! I love your hair.” gayass

Eda stole Hop Pop’s wallet

Amity, rehearsing talking to Luz: “Hey, Luz? Remember that kiss thing? Well I don’t! We can just go back to normal! Hey, do you wanna help me study, for, uh...Titan, I forgot what kind of magic I use!”

Q and A

The hardest part of this for Brenda Song was to visualize the world and “enter” it

Marcy’s death and Anne’s relocation shocked Brenda Song, as did the character development

Justin Felbringer sees himself in Sprig’s adventurous nature, how he jumps into things and quickly makes friendships

Justin Felbringer loves Sprivy and finds them adorable. His favorite thing is their similarity in interests and passions

Bill Farmer related Hop Pop to onion layers and enjoys adding to Hop Pop’s character

Bill Farmer thinks that Hop Pop was right to bury the box, but not to keep it a secret. (It’s notable that Anne intends to keep her Amphibian life a secret)

Amanda Leighton is proud that Polly has legs, and that her adventures have given her metaphorical legs and growth

Sarah Nicole Robles was surprised by how emotional Owl House got to go with Luz; the character is mostly an open book and doesn’t keep secrets

The most challenging acting, for Sarah Nicole Robles, was Luz in the season 1 finale, due to the action scenes. She does not want to show the efforts (action grunt noises) on camera

Brenda Song says that her efforts are elegant, while Sarah Nicole Robles says hers are...spit-covered

Matt Braly can do the cartoon head shake sound. He is very good at it.

Brenda and Sarah struggle with drinking and eating sounds sometimes

Brenda Song recorded in her closet during covid, so a lot of the sounds had hanger effects

Wendie Malick finds it relatable that Eda “dances to her own drum.” She likes seeing Eda’s hodgepodge family as an example that there’s a place for everyone. It’s a reminder for everyone: figure out what makes you uniquely you, and spend time with people who celebrate and empower that

Eda is a sassy badass, yes Wendie said that, yes they blooped it out

[rafescoke]

Need To Know (Part 2) ; Rafe Cameron

masterlist

#Part 2 

#Part 1

Pairing: Rafe Cameron x reader

Summary: Reader confronts Rafe about his past

Warnings: More angst, more flashback smut, substance, swearing, Rafe being a dick again

A/N: Thank you so much for the overwhelming love from my last post! I love you to the moon and back <3

p.s, my request box is always open for you to drop in any ideas!

“My god, you both look great.”

Rafe chuckled, too drunk to say anything, and wrapped his arms around his girlfriend of 4 months. The night breeze flew past everyone on the yacht as they strolled down the stream, moving their hips along to ‘Summer’ by Calvin Harris and trying to hear each other’s conversations over the loud music.

“Thanks, Tops,” (Y/N) smiled, feeling her body moving to the beat. She thought about the amount of drinks she had, but giggled when she had to recount again, and then frowned when she kept forgetting the number she ended on.

“What are you thinking?” Rafe whined, pulling her away from Topper who had his arms around another girl, trying to move on from his failed relationship with Sarah Cameron. He had told Rafe and (Y/N) that he have never felt better, but they both know the truth. He was completely wrecked after the breakup; when Topper found out about Sarah and a certain boy from the other side of the island, Rafe had to be there for him every single night until recently. He was too afraid of the things that Topper would do to himself.

“I can’t remember how many drinks I’ve had tonight,” she cried, tugging on his shirt as she placed her chin on his shoulder. Rafe laughed, patting her back before pulling her to face him.

“You had 8 shots. I had more.”

“Are you sure?” she asked, raising her brows. When she saw a smile slowly creeping onto his face, she groaned loudly.

“You always do this to me!” She grunted, but a tone of humor laced in her face. “God, I hate you.” She made a move to talk away, crossing her arms.

“No-” he shook his head, pulling her arm so that she will end right back into his arms again. He grinned when his tactic worked, “You don’t hate me. You love me too much.”

“Disgusting,” (Y/N) made a face, and stood on her toes to whisper into his ear. “Wanna do something?”

Rafe looked at her, and when he saw the sly smile etched onto her face, he kissed her fully on her lips, always admiring this side of her that she rarely shows to other people.

When he first found out about this opposite side of his girlfriend, Rafe couldn’t believe his eyes. He tried to convince himself that when she had asked to do coke with him for the first time that night, it was merely his imagination and not reality, but when she woke up next to him the next morning, the sun highlighting her hair and eyes, smiling shyly at him, he knew that it had, indeed, happened.

“You want to do coke?” he asked, forcing himself to keep his grin concealed. “Right now? In the middle of the party?”

(Y/N) hummed in response, and kissed his cheeks. “Please?”

Rafe didn’t answer her as he pulled her through the many dancing bodies to one of the back rooms in the yacht, trying to contain his excitement. The last time they had done this together ended up being one of the best nights of Rafe’s life, and he hoped to relive it again.

Rafe poured the intoxicating powder on the cold table, licking his pink lips as he separated them into four lines using his driver’s license. (Y/N) saw a glimpse of his handsome ID photo on the card, and tried to stop herself from kissing him. 

How could someone look so handsome in their driver’s license? It’s impossible.

(Y/N) licked the side of his face as he tried to balance the lines evenly, not able to contain her feelings anymore. She felt like having him for the rest of her life, and she can’t imagine spending her future with anyone else. 

“What was that for?” Rafe groaned, but he was smiling. (Y/N) wiped the already- drying wet mark on the side of his face with her sleeve, only to be stopped by Rafe’s fingers around her wrist.

“I didn’t say you could wipe it.”

(Y/N) giggled, kissing his cheeks as he returned back to his previous work. She wondered again on the never ending questions of why would Rafe choose her amongst the many girls who have tried to get his attention since forever, but her thought was disturbed by the sudden swift of Rafe’s lips against hers.

“Ladies first,” he whispered, handing her a rolled up hundred dollars bill. (Y/N) smiled, putting a light pressure on her left nostril using her pointer before dipping her head to inhale the substance.

She threw her head back, laughing when she could feel Rafe’s soft lips peppering wet kisses along her exposed neck. She closed her eyes against the warm feeling, her fingers running through his messy hair.

“Your turn, baby,” she giggled, stopping her boyfriend before they could provide a free show for everyone else. Rafe sighed, clearly unsatisfied, but he took the rolled up bill from her fingers and dipped his head.

Before he could inhale the white powder, he turned to look at her, a glinting mischief in his eyes. (Y/N) groaned, wanting to spend her hazy trip with her boyfriend instead of going ahead of him.

“What is it?”

“Lay on your back,” he said, not looking at her as he took out the extra mini ziplock bags. (Y/N) looked at him with a frustrated expression. “I swear to god, (Y/N), just fucking do it.”

(Y/N) sighed and laid her back against the sofa, trying to hold her skirt from lifting up and exposing her black thong she had bought beforehand. She widened her eyes when she felt Rafe’s cold rings grazing her skin, closing her eyes when she felt his hands slowly creeping towards her aching core.

“What are you doing?” She hissed, closing her legs quickly. “Rafe, we can’t do anything here.”

“Relax,” he whispered, pulling her legs apart again, and (Y/N) almost moaned from the sudden cold breeze nipping on her skin. She gripped on his wrist again, trying to remind and warn him about his next move at the same time.

Just by the glare that Rafe had given her, signaling that he wasn’t playing and he hadn’t got the time to joke around, she let go of his wrist, looking up to her boyfriend who was unlocking the mini bag.

She hissed when Rafe poured a perfect amount of cocaine on her lap, enough for him to get on by the night. She watched as he separated them into lines using his driver’s license again. She gulped, her heartbeat getting quicker.

“Stop moving so much,” Rafe grunted, focusing on perfecting the lines against her soft skin. After a few seconds of trying his best, he looked back to admire his work, licking his teeth.

“Oh my god, Rafe, you can’t be-”

“Shut up,” he said, taking the rolled up bill and dipping his head until he was on the same level as her head. She bit her lips, nervous. She threw her head back when Rafe inhaled a line, her heartbeat beating quicker than that time she tried to hide herself in Rafe’s closet from Rose. 

She could feel his fingers gripping her thighs, and she couldn’t deny the growing feeling inside her. Rafe chuckled, wiping his nose, and dipped his head back to the previous position.

“Rafe. . .” she whined, trying her best not to move around so much. The grip around her legs tightened, and she gritted her teeth as he placed wet kisses along her leg, ending directly before her desperate core.

“Oh my god,” she groaned, closing her eyes.

(Y/N) has experienced nothing of that sort, and the farthest thing they have done was fucking each other in Rafe’s hot tub that one drunken night. The last time she did coke with her boyfriend, no body parts were involved and it was only the two of them and her grandmother’s glass table.

Rafe chuckled, rubbing his nose as he resurfaced from his second last line, holding the rolled up bill between his fingers like a cigarette. “You like that, huh?”

“I’ve never wanted you to fuck me so bad before,” she said, groaning as she tried to keep her legs still for Rafe to inhale that one last line, but she knew he wouldn’t make her life that easy.

She watched as he kissed the inner of her thighs, going upwards, placing more kisses on her hips and again, directly halting before her core. Rafe could see the wet mark on her thongs, and could feel himself getting harder. 

“Please,” she begged, looking at him with her innocent eyes, her fingers wrapping around his wrist. “Please, Rafe, baby, please.”

“As you wish, princess.”

She went into another unexplainable feeling as he did his final line, and then  giving her more wet kisses along her thighs and lastly, that resulted her into jerking her body upwards towards his chest; he placed a strong kiss on her clothed core. 

Rafe laughed, watching her pressed herself against him, trying to find any kind of friction. “Relax, baby. I thought you wanted me to stop?”

“Fuck you,” she whispered, before climbing onto his lap and attacking him with kisses. 

“Okay-” he said in between kisses, “Fine-” more kisses, “Fuck me.”

(Y/N) groaned, feeling his hard member all pushed up against her as she kept on attacking him with kisses. This is exactly the problem; he would tease her and she would just not stop. 

“People are watching, baby,” he whispered, stopping her fingers from unzipping his jeans. They were both breathing really hard, and (Y/N) leaned closer to his ear.

“Let them.”

He groaned as she finally unzipped his pants, exposing his throbbing penis against the night air of North Carolina. He tried to pull his and (Y/N)’s body downwards by an inch to hide their ungodly behaviour behind the table, but was caught off guard when (Y/N) gripped his fingers, halting his movement.

“I said let them watch.”

Rafe wasn’t sure if it was the drugs that took over her or it was just another side of her that she was finally exposing to him, but he couldn’t deny the excitement coursing through his veins. This was every teenage boy’s wet dreams, and Rafe couldn’t believe the fact that he was finally experiencing it.

Before he could prepare himself, he felt her sink into him as she wrapped her arms around his neck, resting her forehead against his as she panted to reach her end. Rafe held her waist, not putting any pressure and letting her take control completely. He watched as she bit her lips, placing quick kisses against his neck.

“I love you, oh my god,” she said as she pushed herself down onto him, closing her eyes to concentrate on the familiar feeling growing in her stomach. “My perfect boy.”

“I’m close,” he shuddered, this time thrusting his hips against her to quicken the pace, feeling his end reaching. He didn’t care about the crowd that was starting to form near them; he was happy and content with the girl who was a moaning mess on top of him.

“Fuck-” she screamed as he released himself into her, falling against his chest to catch her breath. Rafe placed a lazy kiss against the top of her head as she grunted, too tired to even remove herself. 

“I wanna do coke with you every single night,” she whispered involuntarily as Rafe pulled her up, finally finding the strength to do so. He fixed her dress for her as she rested her head against the sofa, feeling so close to doze off for the night. Rafe smiled, tucking a strand of her hair before buttoning his jeans back again. He kissed her cheeks as she sighed, intertwining their fingers. 

“I’ll always love you, okay?” he said, but she was too tired to say anything back. She whispered something back, and Rafe laughed in return, and the night continued with her head against his chest as they snuggled up close on the sunbathing area. When the clock struck 12, they watched the fireworks decorating the night sky, and Rafe swore he had never seen anything more beautiful than (Y/N) under that glowing sky that particular night.

“Happy birthday, my love,” Rafe whispered, before placing a longing kiss on her lips.

(Y/N) woke up with a start.

She heard noises coming from her window, and she groaned before making her way towards the light. Her feet tapped lightly against her carpeted floor, feeling the cold temperature coming from outside.

Great. Just the person she wanted to see.

“Let me in, baby, please,” Rafe said against her window, fogging her glass. “Please? Let me explain myself.”

(Y/N) held her middle finger up to him before returning to her bed, watching the panicking boy from the corners of her eyes.

How could he climb up to her room after all the things he did to her?

“Oh my god-” she heard him speak, “It’s cold out here. Please? Let me in.” 

(Y/N) tried to block out his voice as she placed her pillows against her ears, but when she kept hearing his pleads, she couldn’t shake the bad feeling in her heart. She stood up from her bed, watching Rafe struggling to hold on to a branch, and opened the window, all while silently cursing to herself.

Rafe quickly shut the windows and sighed as he got used to the warm atmosphere, his eyes following the girl as she returned back towards her bed. Rafe stayed shut, following her actions, and sat beside her limp body.

“I’m-”

“I don’t want to talk to you,” she cut him off, and Rafe watched as she shifted to get comfortable. She wasn’t looking at him, and Rafe felt a pang of pain across his heart.

“Please, baby, you deserve an explanation.”

(Y/N) stayed quiet, and Rafe took the silence as an agreement. He ran his fingers through his hair a few times, trying to find his voice; because this is exactly the problem -

He didn’t know how much more (Y/N) had heard from his ex’s mouth, but based on the quick summary that she had given him through the phone call an hour ago, everything that she told him was true.

Because he was stupid. He was selfish, and he didn’t believe in the idea of falling in love with some and making great memories with them. Life simply wasn’t that way to him - 

All he cared about was sex and drugs, and his ex filled that exact cravings in him. He grew attached, but (Y/N) had taught him love. She taught him all the things that he didn’t know existed in him before.

“It’s true,” was all he said.

He grimaced as (Y/N) let out a shrill laugh, and stayed shut right after. He felt the need to caress her but decided against it, knowing that she will probably push him off.

“And I’m sorry. I was stupid, okay? I didn’t mean any of that. God, I wish I can turn back time and did everything differently because god, I was so fucking stupid and I hate seeing you cry because of me.”

Rafe could feel his own tears crashing down. The last time he had cried this hard was when Ward yelled at him, saying how useless he is and that he will never be proud of him, but (Y/N) was there for him during that time to calm him down. 

Now he’s alone.

“God, (Y/N), you give me love and you’ve taught me how to love and- and, I can’t let you go now, oh my god, I can’t-” he took a deep breath, “Not when I love you too much.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?” she whispered, and Rafe felt like killing himself at the sound of her voice in pain. “Why didn’t you fucking tell me?” She repeated, louder this time.

“I was scared,” he whispered back. “I wish I can take your pain away.”

“Rafe-” she sat up, her eyes puffy and red from the never ending tears since she fled the party. She looked at the boy she loves, and felt a sudden wave of emotion for the thing she was about to say.

“Can we stop seeing each other for a while? Can we take a break?”

“What?” Rafe shook his head, his fingers trembling. “No. No. You are not hearing yourself. No.”

“Rafe, please,” she cried, gripping onto her bedsheet. “Give me time to think. I can’t think about all this, just let me breathe!”

“You can’t let me go, (Y/N),” he whispered, trying to connect their fingers like always. When he saw her slipping her hand into her covers, he let out a breath.

“It’s too cold for you to go home. You can sleep in here, with me.”

“Don’t do this to me,” he said again, getting closer. When she flinched, he used all of his energy not to let out a yell, knowing that it would cause her to leave him for good.

“Just give me time. To think. Okay?”

“I love you,” he whispered, “I’ll wait. However long it’s going to take, I’ll wait.”

She didn’t return his affection and Rafe waited a few more seconds for her to mutter the words back. He took a deep breath before standing up, limping towards her window again.

“Rafe, you can stay here. Don’t make this any harder for me.”

But he left anyway, and (Y/N) was frozen in her position as she stared at his previous space on her bed, his scent slowly evaporating into the air. She couldn’t believe it; she lost him. She lost every inch of him, the only boy she truly loves.

She cried again against her pillows, missing her boy.

#Part 3

-

add yourself to the taglist!

[ramp-it-up]

Some Nights

Pairing: Lin-Manuel Miranda x Reader

Word Count: 4.2k

Warnings: Minors DNI, Explicit language, SMUT, explicit hetero sex, same sex explicit sex (f x f), oral sex (f giving/receiving), alcohol induced sex, feeble alcohol hitting, sex under false pretenses, drinking, cheating, lying. All the relationship revenge type angst.

A/N: This is supposed to be a sweet little “breakup to make up” smut prompt ask.  My mind took this waaayyyy left and... well here it is. This is a mess of broken hearts, rebounding, and revenge sex. Please do not read if this is triggering. This is not smut lite.

Also, I know the timeline is wonky, but in this AU In the Heights does not interfere with Lin and Chris touring with FLS.

I MUST thank @einfachniemand for the invaluable advice on the Billie love scene. Could not have done it without her. 🥰

------

8 months later, March 2012

You were with Lin on the rooftop, one of your favorite low key, low cost activities, and the late March air was cool.  The moon was full, and the music from your iPod was right.  Lin-Manuel was keeping you warm in his arms and a blanket that he’d brought.

It was so romantic.  All was right with the world. You thought.

“I’m going to miss you when you are on tour, but the month will fly by and before you know it, we’ll be back up here.” 

You smiled up at him as he held you, trying to keep a brave face because  Lin was leaving in the middle of the week for Barcelona.

“Yeah… about that…” He sat up, moved away from you and cleared his throat.  Then, he looked at you. 

“I think we need to take a break.”

You weren’t sure you’d heard him correctly when he said it.  The smile on your face was frozen in place.

“What?”

“Well, I was talking to Chris...and… Well, I’m not sure that I want to shut myself off from the possibilities in Spain…”

You took a second to process, then you got it. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing.  

“Chris told you to dump me so you can go be a hoe in Spain?”

Lin shook his head and frowned.  

“No, no… it wasn’t like that. Chris loves you.  He just asked me some very tough questions about us being apart for a month, and I- I don’t want to hurt you…”

You got up, and grabbed your bottle of wine.

“Might as well do it now, instead of later, hunh?” 

“I think it’s for the best. I’m sorry….”

You were numb. 

“I can’t believe I stuck by you through all the starving artist bullshit, rooftop dates instead of going out, streaming movies instead of seeing shows....”  

You stopped, because you were getting heated, and when you got heated you cried, and you refused to cry in front of Lin.

“To expect you to stick by me for four weeks while you’re in Spain is too much to ask. I guess..” 

You straightened your spine and held your head up.  

“I guess I know that this wasn’t what I thought it was.”

“Have a nice life Lin. When you leave, do not knock on my door. Just go straight to hell.”

-----

Fuck Lin Manuel Miranda

His damn hair, fucking long eyelashes, the little dimples he gets when he gets that little smirk on his fucking stupid beautiful face.

The view from beneath him. Those goddamn lips.

Mutherfukin Lin Manuel Miranda.

You’d let him charm his way into your heart and into your pants. And damn, what he had in his pants gave you so much joy. 

The fact that you were crying was not for Lin.  You were crying for being too trusting and too liberal with your heart.  

You weren’t going to let anyone have a chance to break it again. 

Yes, that was the reason. 

You didn’t miss Lin at all.

-----

Mayra gave you the long weekend to be pitiful, and then you had to get back on your grind, and moving on with your life without Lin.

Your best friend since middle school felt guilty because she’d introduced you to him, a friend of a friend, one night at a bowling alley.  

You and Lin had hit it off immediately. Very immediately, in fact, and were inseparable for a solid 8 months.

But despite feeling bad about it, Mayra wasn’t about to let you mope around and waste your life missing him. And she was right.

Lin left for Barcelona on a Wednesday, and by Saturday night, you were out with Mayra, mingling and meeting new people. 

Mayra’s scene wasn’t your scene, but everybody was nice, fun, and attractive.  You weren’t really with it, but you’d be damned if you were going to wither away in your room.

You had just finished dancing with Mayra and her friends and you needed to sit this one out. 

The 6-inch heels you were wearing and the blazer over lingerie top look was not a good combination for vigorous dancing.  

You were hot and your feet were killing you.

You nursed your drink and watched your bestie having fun, when someone approached you.

Gorgeous lips, caramel skin and stunning brown eyes sized you up. 

Why is it always the eyes? You felt something that you weren’t too sure about.

“I like the way you make that pink push up bra look intellectual.”

Curious and amused, you looked into the brown eyes and laughed.

“I’m Billie.”

She extended her hand and you shook it. You knew what kind of bar this was, but you weren’t expecting this. 

“Can I buy you a drink?”

“Oh.  I’m, I’m not…”

Billie flashed a gorgeous smile at you.

“Relax. You’re cute, but I can tell, you ain’t ready for this yet.  I just had to come say hi, though.  Drinks....As friends?”

You accepted and spent the night dying laughing at your new friend’s witticisms.

----

The next week, you were chilling with Billie at the crib, along with a bunch of other folks that Mayra had invited over.  

You were on the roof, telling her all about Lin, and you started to cry again.

“...And then he just, breaks up with me because he wants to go to Spain and fuck Spanish FLS groupies…..”

It was about the 10th time that you’d cried about it. You were tired of hearing yourself.  Billie just rubbed your back and listened. 

“I would never put up with that from a man. And you shouldn’t either.”

 When you started sobbing, she apologized. 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s…... okay….”  you gasped, trying to calm down.

She hugged you, rubbing your back and pressing you close.  

You felt some kind of way and pulled back.

“Bill… I don’t want to lead you on.”

Billie just smiled that gorgeous smile. 

“It’s cool. No stress. I’m just here to listen. Let’s go back downstairs.”

You nodded and rejoined the party, feeling more comfortable with Billie than before, partly because she was giving you some space.  

You couldn’t help but sneak glances as she mingled with everyone at the party and when your eyes met. Whew.

Who knew?

----

The next week, you were in your apartment with Billie again, this time, alone.

You’d invited her over, because she was quickly becoming the person you most liked to talk to and you hadn’t really talked in person since the previous weekend.

You gave her a glass of wine and settled down onto the couch, comfortable in your tank top and sweatpants.  Not seductive at all.

Billie looked cute as always in button down blue silk shirt and jeans with her hair up. 

“I want to apologize for last week. I just vomited my emotions all over you and you were nothing but amazing about it.”

Billie laughed. She was so damn beautiful.

“I told you no worries!”

“Can I ask you a question? Why are you doing all this for me?”

Billie took a drink and set her glass down on the coffee table. She leaned back on the couch.

“Do you mean do I have any ulterior motives?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh, no question that I think you are attractive, and that I would love…”  

She shook her head and straightened up.

“But, I’ve fallen for enough straight-but not so straight women to know that I should let you make the first move.”

She bit her lip and you put your wine down because it was making you warm.

You reached for and grabbed her hand. You shifted it to entwine your fingers with hers.

You kissed her palm and drew her closer to you, her hovering over you on the couch. She didn't move, forcing you to bring your neck up to kiss her lips tentatively and softly. 

You wrapped your arms around her waist and brought her body down to rest next to yours on the couch and looked into her eyes. You ran your hand down the side of her body, feeling all of her curves. And you moved to kiss her again. 

This time her soft lips opened to accept your tongue and you played hide and seek, exploring.

You pulled back to look at her again, giggling now, a smile plastered on her face. 

“I’ve been waiting for you to do that for two weeks,” Billie whispered in your ear before kissing your neck. 

Her fingers rubbed teasingly at the skin where your tank top had ridden up, and rotated around to your ass, fingers slipping into the back of your sweats. 

You moaned softly as she tugged your earlobe between her teeth and then kissed along your jawline.

You wanted to feel her, so you brougt your hand up her side to feel her breast over her shirt, and found it warm and soft to the touch, except for the hardening nipples that you gently played with.

Looking into her eyes, you saw the desire there and leaned over to kiss her again. She kissed you back harder, pushing her hands deeper into your sweats and cupped your ass with both hands, kneading your flesh tenderly.

You wanted her to touch you at your core, but her teasing fingers never seemed to get there. 

Next, she moved one hand from your butt to pull up your tank top, exposing your nipple to the cool air of the room.

She took your breast in her hand and squeezed it, thumb running lightly over your nipple. You moan and leaned back while putting your hands in her hair.

Billie moaned and ran her thumb over your nipple and teased them until they were achingly hard and sensitive. 

When she leaned down and kissed the top of your breast, making her way slowly, oh so slowly to your nipple, it caused your pussy to ache and throb while soaking your panties.

You groaned in frustration as she continued to tease you for a while before her mouth reached your nipple, moaning around it and sucking gently at first before picking up intensity. 

Her hand moved to the front of your pants, tracing your wet lips through your panties but applying no pressure. 

You were a moaning, quivering mess as you rocked against her fingers, trying to get what you needed.

Billie separated from you to take off her shirt, smiling at you as you shed your clothes. 

She looked over your body and brought her eyes up to yours, smiled into them, and took your face in her hands.

Next, those hands roamed down your body, circling slowly, grasping gently here and there, teasing you to a soaking wet mess on the couch cushions.

“Please!” you whispered, squirming in agony.

Billie chuckled and held your gaze as her hand finally rested in your core, lightly pinching your clit between her fingers. She just played with it as you moaned beneath her.

“I love watching you like this,” she whispered as she teased you some more. “Do you like it?”

She looked so cute as she asked, but all you can do is nod and bite your lip.

She smiled at you and lowered her head to your skin while you watched intently. She kissed and sucked at the skin on your stomach and thighs, looking up to establish eye contact again and again.

You whined and tried to keep still as she neared your core and gently opened your thighs. She looked at you for the longest time before her mouth met your pussy and finally licked through your folds.

You shuddered, already almost cuming as you waited for more.

She kept eye contact with you as she sucked your clit gently, humming while you quivered in her mouth. She then traced her tongue around your entire cunt, kissing and sucking those lips gently, but expertly.

Finally, she manipulated your clit with her tongue, and alternated that with inserting it far inside you as she could go.

When she sucked hard at it, you came, feeling like you never had before.

Somehow, you wound up on the floor in her arms. 

And the night had just begun.

 -----

May 2012

You walked home slowly from the subway, trying to think of a good reason not to get there. 

You felt like throwing up, knowing that Lin would be there on your rooftop with the rest of FLS. You did not want to face him.

It had been almost two months since you last saw him and you were having fun with Billie. She stopped you from wondering just who you were. The love you had for her was real.

But there was some reason, which you did not want to name, that caused you not to want to see Lin. 

You saw his face often enough when you awoke, in that space between dream and reality.  That was sufficient torture, aside from having to see him in person at an event that was supposed to be fun.

But Mayra had started to harass you two weeks ago.

"Come on! You've got to be there on my birthday. I’ll make sure Lin doesn't bother you, but UTK won’t come without him and I’m trying to get that D again.  I need it to survive. Don't you love me?” 

She pouted at you and when that didn’t seem to work, she resorted to outright threats. 

“I’ll never speak to you again if you don't come.”  

This continued every day until the party.

Being trapped on a rooftop with Lin for three hours wasn't your idea of fun. 

Anymore. 

And to top it off, Billie had to work tonight. This sucked big time. But you had decided to be there for your friend.

"She better know I love her, " you whispered to yourself as you stepped out on the roof.

You were greeted by Chris almost as soon as you arrived. He enveloped you in a bear hug. You stiffly hugged him back. You still felt some kinda way.

He held you away from him. 

"You look good, girl, long time no see!”

You nodded at him stiffly. “How have you been?"

"Oh, you know, promoting and stuff. The Spain trip was good."

You nodded again and looked around the roof.

“He told me he would stay away from you.”

You looked back at Chris. “Who?”

“You know who.”  You just smiled tightly and looked down.

“What’s up with you?” His voice was suspicious.

You looked up and stared him straight in the eye, not wanting to be intimidated.

“I don’t know Chris? Just maybe you told my boyfriend to break up with me so he could hoe around Europe with you guys. That was a little annoying.”

Chris raised his arms in self defense.

“Wait a minute, Missy.  I did not tell him that.  What I told him was that if he could not definitely, without a doubt, be true to you, that he needed to be straight with you. If he had any doubts at all. That you deserved better.”

You just look up at this big, sweet man and willed yourself not to cry.

“Oh.” That was all you could say.

“But maybe I shouldn’t have said anything because he fucked that whole conversation up and wound up sulking the entire trip. All of his freestyles were about you, you know.”

“I don’t care Chris, because you’re right.  He did fuck up. I’ve moved on.” You held your chin high.

Chris smiled at you. “Too bad for Lin. Your new man is a lucky guy.”

You smiled back. “My new woman is a lucky girl.”

“Oh.” That was all he could say. He recovered quickly however.  “Well, if you’re happy, I’m happy.”

“Thanks friend.” 

You smiled and gave him a hug, feeling better about a lot of things. Lin Manuel Miranda was a world class idiot.

You grabbed a red solo cup full of something and stood at the railing looking over the city.

"Heyyyy, what's crackin'?" 

You turned around to see Utkarsh  standing behind you. You smiled at him.

 "Hey UTK! What it do?"

"Well, give me a hug. I’ve missed you, too. Mayra won’t let me near you since we’ve been back, I don’t know why.”

You knew why. You hadn't really wanted to see any of the FLS guys since you and Lin broke up.

You hugged him. "She’s probably jealous of our love." You smiled at your friend.

“Right.” Utkarsh smiled at you. Then he frowned. 

“Wait, why would she be jealous?  She said she and I were just friends…” 

You laughed at his back as he went to find Mayra.  Well, you’d manage to wingman without even trying.  Your job should be done for the night. You turned around to leave, running right into Mayra.

"Happy birthday, Bitch!" You squealed and hugged her.

"Thank you, boo! I didn't think you would actually come! I'm so happy!"

"You mean I had a choice? I seem to remember some very specific and lethal threats if I didn't get my ass on this roof tonight."

"No, it's because you love me." Mayra made a face at you. 

"But seriously though. The roof is big enough that you don't have to be near Lin if you don't want to. Try to have a good time."

"Girl, I'm going to have a blast! As long as there is booze and music, I'm good to go." You lied to your bestie.

"Okay girl, do you want me to stay with you so no one will bother you?" 

You knew what she meant.

"No girl, I don't need a bodyguard. Have fun, mingle, be a good hostess. I'll be fine."

You pushed Mayra away from you.

You sighed and walked toward the bar. Before you made it there, you were enveloped in Shockwave and Jelly Donut. They both hugged you, making a sandwich.

"Guys, I can't breathe!" 

They released you, laughing. Shockwave got right to it.

“You know It killed Lin when you two broke up. He was a bitch in Spain."

Your heart clenched. 

"Listen, I don't want to talk about it. I'm just here to have a good time for Mayra. Can we just chill with all that?"

"Okay, okay. I had to try. I know he's an idiot, but..." Sully barreled on. Andrew started poking him in the side. 

"What???”  Andrew gave Sully a look and he was chastened.

“Sorry love. We'll let you go mingle.”

"Yes, thank you." 

You felt like getting good and drunk. You looked at your phone and saw that there were two and a half hours left of the party. Might as well start now. You downed your drink and went to get another.

You ran into Arthur. He winked at you as you apologized. 

"No worries, you better eat something if you are going to drink like that. You can't hang with the big boys like me."

You rolled your eyes and finished the second drink. 

“You’re skinnier than I am, tuh.”

“That’s not what I’m talking about when I say big boy.” 

You looked at him in shock, and then burst out laughing. You loved these guys. Too bad Lin got them in the break up.

You sighed and began working on your third drink.

--------

Lin spotted you when you first stepped on the roof. He moved out of your line of sight and watched as Chris talked to you.

Geez, you were fine as hell. The dress you were wearing was everything and the heels made your ass pop. Damn.

He went and got a drink, still watching you. He felt like a stalker. Chris came over.

"I tried to get her to talk to you, but she wasn't having it." 

They both watched you and UTK talking. 

"Man, you are an idiot. You're lucky you're my brother, or I would kick your ass for letting that go."

“Thanks, my guy.” Lin’s reply was dripping with sarcasm.

“Any time. Next time listen with your big boy brain before you do something that dumb.” 

Lin was ready to fight. Luckily, Chris left. Then UTK came up, talking shit.

"Lin, you douche! How could you be so dumb, man?” 

They watched the Jelly/Shockwave/You sandwich.

"Leave me the fuck alone." 

Lin moved to the other side of the roof where Sully came up to him.  Lin put his hands up.  

“Before you say it, I'm going to stay out of her way. I'm not trying to ruin Mayra’s party. Just about two hours to go."

“Good, because you have fucked this one up royally.” Sully shook his head as Lin stalked off.

----

After some drinks, you started to loosen up and have fun. You danced with Mayra and all of FLS minus one.

You thought you saw Lin a couple of times out of the corner of your eye, but when you looked, he was gone. Every time that happened, you went and got a drink.

By the end of the night, you were looking at the sky and trying to sober up.

"The sky is beautiful tonight."

You jumped. Lin was there, watching you. You just looked at him and started back downstairs.

"Don't leave, please. Let me talk to you."

He followed you down to your apartment.

"You said all there was to say. I'm done."

You put your arms around yourself. All of a sudden you were cold. You stared Lin down, but he didn’t budge.

"What do you want, Lin?"

He sighed. This isn't going to be easy, he thought. He looked into your beautiful eyes and decided to go for it. There was nothing left to lose.

"Honestly? I want you back." His heart was in his throat as he said it.

You closed your eyes. You couldn't go there. No matter what your heart was doing in your chest.

"No. No, you do what you did and you want me to come back? To trust you? You promised you wouldn't hurt me. I can't with you Lin, I just can't."

His heart actually hurt.

"I'm so sorry…. "

You didn't let him finish. 

"Please! Don't give me the same tired old clichés every dude gives their girl when they fuck up!"

You were far from cold now. 

"If I took you back, what's gonna happen the next time you go on tour? I am not a yo-yo Lin!"

Lin reached for you. "It's not going to happen again, I've learned...."

"Don't fucking touch me! You have some muthafuckin nerve!"

Lin kept moving toward you.

"Back the fuck up! Don't come near me! Get off of me!" 

You began hitting him when he took you in his arms.

"Tell me that you don't want me to hold you, that you don't want to be with me. Tell me you don't miss us, this. Tell me that you don't want me to and I'll leave you alone."

Lin pressed himself against you, and you stopped fighting. You melted on the inside. The alcohol had you loose. Suddenly you had a thought.

"Fuck it. You're right. I have missed you." 

You moaned as he put his lips on your neck. You wanted him so badly. 

"Let's go in here." You nodded toward your bedroom.

Lin's heart leapt and he gladly followed you.

You attacked him when you got inside. 

"Whoa, hold up...."

"No, let's do it. Don't say anything or I will change my mind." 

You turned around, pulled your dress up, got on the bed and bent over, ass in the air. 

"Fuck me, Lin. Please."

Lin was confused. One minute you were fighting him, next you were begging for it. But he wasn't going to argue. He wanted you too bad. He moved your panties to the side, took out his hard cock and quickly and roughly entered your warm, tight goodness.

The stretch hurt a little, but it was welcome. It had been a while since you had taken a cock and Lin’s was your favorite. 

You became wet rapidly, and although you wanted Lin to hurt you as a sort of penance, it felt amazing.

"Ohhh, you feel so good. Shit! I've missed this. So tight for me…” 

Lin moaned through his dick wanting to explode.  He hadn’t had anyone else since you, for about three months.

"I said don't talk!" 

You were trying to blank your mind of what you were doing.

Lin felt like right now he was in heaven, and heaven was you. Lin shut up and started giving it to you harder, just like he knew you liked. He smacked your ass, hard.

"Yes, yes, yes. Oh yes!" 

You quivered, especially when he smacked it. Forceful Lin was one of your favorite Lins. Damn. You savored the contact as Lin, all of his manhood, hit your spot. 

It felt so damn good after so much emotion and time.

To Lin, all that mattered was you right now. He fought not to come until he felt your body pounding with your orgasm.

Almost as soon as it was over, you turned around and looked at him. He looked up from buttoning up his pants and smiled. You could tell that he was thinking this was the beginning of your reunion. 

You leaned in and gave him a good, long kiss, preparing to give the greatest acting performance of your life.

"Goodbye, Lin. That was just what I needed. Have a good life."

His goddamn adorable face registered confusion.

"What? What do you mean?"

"This was closure. “

The way his face changed broke your heart.  But he’d broken yours.

Lin was stricken. "But,I love you. That's why I...."

You interrupted him. 

"It's not you, it's me. I needed that to get you out of my system. "

You looked at him coldly, a mess on the inside.

"That's not all we have. We love each other!” Lin was trying to make sense of the situation. 

“You're telling me that after this you don't want to get back together?" He couldn't believe what you were saying. 

"As far as getting back together, we're not. This didn't mean anything; I am drunk off my ass and I had a lapse in judgement. It's not going to go any further."

"But you love me, I know it." He reached for you.

You moved out of his reach and toward the door.

"I told you, I can't, I won't let my guard down again with anyone. I can't love anymore." 

Lin was looking at you with his mouth open.

You straightened your dress and left your room, ignoring the fact that Lin was calling your name. You were ready to be alone.

There, outside your door, was Billie.

-----

Tagging:  @theatrenerd86 @sebastianabucknettastan @imatyoursurrvicesurr @riiyy​ @ivycomet @sillyteecup  @ohsoverykeri  @theselilwonders  @lonelydance @jbrizzywrites @curtainremote @delaber @honeysucklechocolatedrippin​

[javajunkieao3]

Never Have I Ever: Post-Series Fic

Ben Gross prided himself on being smart.  And falling in love with Devi Vishwakumar?  Well, that was just about the dumbest thing he could do.

           But, it happened anyway.

           He didn’t exactly know when, but somewhere between first grade and watching her dance with that tool, Paxton Hall-Yoshida, she had gone from the person he always wanted to beat to someone he genuinely hoped would win.  Because she deserved that.  After everything she went through with her dad and then everything after, she deserved a win.

           But, did that win have to be him?

           “Of course, it’s him,” Ben said, voice colored with defeat and just a hint of indignation.  He still hated losing.  Even if he technically wasn’t in this game.  Aneesa was waiting for him over by the punch.  “It’s always been him.”  

           Beside him, Eleanor said, “What?  No, it hasn’t.  After you took her to Malibu, she wanted to choose you.”

           Ben listened incredulously as Eleanor explained how she and Fabiana had talked Devi out of choosing him.  It was fucked up, and he was going to tell her as much, but he couldn’t take his eyes off Devi, imagining how different things would have been. It would have been him with her, not that glorified meat puppet.

           “So, just for the record, it hasn’t always been him.”

           Eleanor walked off after dropping her figurative bomb and he stayed rooted in place, not knowing what to do or think next.  He wasn’t used to this level of indecisiveness and he probably would have just stayed there, staring at Devi dance with another guy, if Aneesa hadn’t come over, sliding her hand over his shoulder.

           “Hey, I thought you were meeting me over by the punch,” she said, glancing over at where he had just been staring.  “Oh wow, good for Devi.”

           Aneesa looked up at Ben, noting the tense set of his jaw.  “But…you don’t think that.”

           “What?” he said immediately, finally looking away from the slow train wreck happening across the dance floor.  “I don’t care about them.  I mean, he’s a tool who, based on what I’ve seen, can barely read above an eighth grade level.  But, I don’t care.”

           “Uh, yeah, you do.”

           “Aneesa-“

           “Ben, I saw the way you were looking at them. At her.”

           He went to argue, but then realized he had no defense.  Aneesa ducked her chin to her chest.

           “Okay.  So, I guess I’m going to go now.”  She turned to leave, but then stopped, turning back.  “Don’t mess this up for her?”

           He didn’t know what he hated more, the implication that he would mess things up or the fact that Aneesa was maybe a little right. The song ended and he watched Paxton and Devi kiss before Paxton dipped his mouth to her ear.  Devi nodded at whatever he said, and then Paxton walked away, not letting go of her hand until the distance made it necessary.  Devi’s grin widened and Ben hated Paxton even more.

           Devi stood alone on the dance floor for a moment, seeming blissfully content, and then she caught his gaze.  Ben noticed that her grin dimmed slightly and then she walked over, clasping her hands nervously in front of her.

           “Look, I know what you’re going to say,” she began.

           “No, actually, you don’t.”

           She widened her eyes slightly.  “Okay.  Then, what are you going to say?”

           I know you wanted to choose me.

           “I’m happy for you, Devi.”

           It wasn’t what she expected, and not what he wanted, so they both felt out of sorts.  But then her shoulders slackened, a genuine smile spreading on her face, and Ben knew he did the right thing.  Because she deserved the win.  Even if it wasn’t him.

           “Thanks, Ben.”

           Paxton came over with two glasses of punch and handed Devi one, his now free arm going around her waist.  He gave Ben a lukewarm hello which, given their history, wasn’t entirely unfounded.

           “Anyway, I’ll see you around,” Devi said.

           “See you around, David.”

           Paxton looked at him strangely, but Devi only smiled wider.

-----

           There were only a few weeks left in the school year after the dance, and Ben did his best to keep his distance from Devi.  She hovered a bit after learning about his and Aneesa’s breakup, but then they all got busy with finals and then the schoolyear ended.  Ben was grateful for the time apart.  He didn’t know how long it took to fall out of love with someone, but he figured summer break’s three Devi-free-months should do the trick.

           That summer, he lined up a volunteer program to pad his college applications just like every other summer.  He was supposed to help out with pro bono work at his dad’s firm, but at the last minute his dad hired a law clerk instead so that he could bill out his time at a markup.  So, he was stuck with a retirement home.  Everyone volunteered at retirement homes, which meant it was the last thing Ben wanted to put on his resume.  But, there was nothing else left and it was better than nothing, so he grudgingly accepted a spot at one about fifteen minutes from his house and prepared himself for a summer of moth balls and stories about “the war”.

           Instead, he got Devi.

           “I thought you were working at your dad’s firm this summer,” Devi said.

           “Something came up.  Weren’t you supposed to do Habitat for Humanity?”

           Devi nodded.  “I had an incident with a hammer.  Apparently, you aren’t supposed to bedazzle it.”

           Ben smirked.  “You bedazzled your hammer?”

           “Oh, yeah.  I added feathers, too.  Honestly, it was an upgrade.”

           “I can’t imagine why they wouldn’t want to take you,” he mocked.

           Devi shrugged.  “Probably for the best.  I mean, would you want a house built by me?”

           “You make a fair point.”

           “So, here we are,” Devi said.  “Slumming it at the retirement home.”

           “You may want to say that a little louder.  I don’t think the guy in the back with the hearing aid heard you.”

           “But, you know what, if anyone can make the best out this, it’s you and me, Gross.”

           She flashed him a smile and he felt it all the way down to his toes.  This was going to be a long three months.

----

           It turned out, Ben was surprisingly adept at being around old people, and Devi was an immediate crowd pleaser.

           “Even Marvin likes me,” Devi said.  “And I’m pretty sure he’s a low-key racist.”

           “Not that low key.  He specifically asked me to help him fill out a banking form yesterday because, as he put it, your people are good at that.”

           “Damn.  Remind me to not give him an extra pudding cup.”

           One of the long-time residents, Gladys, rolled by with her walker and said, “Benjamin, don’t forget my granddaughter is visiting this afternoon.  I told her all about you.”

           “I won’t forget, Gladys.”

           “Look at you, Benjamin.”  He rolled his eyes.  “Using the residents to get a date.  Honestly, it’s sort of genius.  If I wasn’t dating Paxton, I would totally use these guys to pimp myself out.”

           “Slow down, David.  Gladys came to me about her granddaughter.  I’m not that desperate.  I have options.”

           “Sure, you do, Ben.”

           “But, um, you and Paxton?  That’s going well?”

           He didn’t know why he asked.  You don’t ask the girl you’re in love with how her relationship is going, but he asked, and now he had no choice but to hear the answer.

           “Yeah, it is,” Devi said.  She tucked her hair behind her ears as she smiled, and Ben wished he could sink directly down into the ground.

           “That’s great.”

           “Yeah.  It is.”

           That afternoon, he asked Gladys’ granddaughter out on a date.

----

           Ben could always tell when Devi and Paxton were fighting by her mood.  She had never been good at hiding her emotions, and while in a relationship, that hadn’t changed.  He noticed it a few weeks in.  She went back into the employees’ area and shoved her bag forcefully into the cubby hole.

           “Did the cubby hole do something to you?” he asked.

           “No,” she said stubbornly.  “The cubby hole is doing nothing.  Which is the problem.  The cubby hole just sits there playing video games all day.  Which, sure, I can play some Mario Kart here and there.  I’m a team player.  But, at a certain point, enough with the stupid video games.  I am not dating freaking Yoshi!”

           Ben was quiet for a moment and then said, “I didn’t know a cubby hole had apposable thumbs to play video games.”

           She shot him a look, but then couldn’t help but laugh.

           “The cubby hole was a metaphor.”

           “Yeah, I caught on to that.”

----

           Ben found it remarkably easy to be around her, even as his feelings stayed rooted to the core, and at a certain point he became resigned to it all.  Maybe Devi was just one of those people he would always have feelings for.  Isn’t that what they said about your first love?  You could move on, but you never really forgot it.  So, he would love her and just move on.

           He dated Gladys’ granddaughter, enjoying himself but never really feeling anything beneath surface level.  But, she was nice enough, and Gladys was delighted by the pairing, even as the volunteer coordinator was not.

           “Just don’t have sex anywhere on property,” she had said in a huff.

           “I, uh, won’t.  Thanks for the clarification.”

           He was dating someone else.  He and Devi were finally sort of back to how they were before.  And then he accidentally ate pecans.

           “Oh my God, Ben, your mouth is getting huge,” Devi said, eyes wide with concern.

           “I am so sorry,” Gladys’ granddaughter said. “I thought the muffin was banana-walnut, not banana-pecan.”

           “Do you have an Epi-Pen or something?”  Devi barked at the terrified looking volunteer coordinator.

           “No, and even if we did, I don’t think we can technically use it on a non-resident.”

           “Are you freaking kidding me right now?  Do you see him?”  She pointed at Ben, whose face was rapidly growing in size.  “You know what, I’ll just handle it myself.”

           Devi dragged him out to her car, which was concerning since he knew she only just got her license the week before, and he also knew based on what she told him that her passing was a total fluke.  

           “I think I’d rather go into anaphylactic shock in there,” he said, already turning back toward the retirement home.

           “Don’t be dumb, Ben,” she said, forcefully pulling him back to the car.  “You are not going into anaphylactic shock.  I’ll take you to my mom’s office and she can give you a shot or something. She’s only a few minutes away.”

           He reluctantly got into the car, and Devi started her car, forgetting to put it into reverse before she pressed on the gas. The car lurched forward, nearly hitting the one parked in front of them, and Ben said, “Please don’t let me die in this car.”

           “No one is dying today, Ben Gross.  So, calm down, okay?  I got this.”

           It was not exactly a smooth ride, but true to her word, five minutes later they pulled into a parking spot in front of Dr. Vishwakumar’s office.  They burst into the office, Ben now leaning a bit on Devi as it became harder to breath.

           “I’m pretty sure I’m going into anaphylactic shock,” he gasped.

           “No, you are not.  You are fine.”  Devi’s words were calm, but her tone was not.

           Nalini Vishwakumar walked out of her office and stopped short when she saw Devi and Ben.

           “What in the world – Benjamin, what happened to your face?”

           “He ate pecans which, turns out, he’s also allergic to,” Devi said quickly.  “Can you give him a shot or something?”

           “Devi, you should have taken him to the emergency room!” Nalini said, rushing over to her daughter and Ben and bringing them back to an examination room.

           “The hospital was farther away.”

           Ben became to gasp for breath and Nalini hissed, “He’s going into anaphylactic shock.”

           Ben could barely breathe, but he managed a, “Told you.”

           “Well, how was I supposed to know!”  Devi said loudly.

           One shot of epinephrine and an IV full of antihistamines and cortisone later, Ben could breathe again, but Nilani made him stay for a while longer so that she could observe him.  She put he and Devi in one of the unused examination rooms, and told them to let her know if he had any more trouble breathing.  Devi sat next to him, her knees pulled tight into her chest.

           “I’m sorry that I almost killed you.”

           “You’re not getting valedictorian that easily.”

           He was joking because, yeah, his throat had almost closed up and she probably should have taken him to the hospital and not her mom’s office, but it was fine now.  Except, when he looked over at Devi, she still looked scared.  After a beat, she launched herself toward him and wrapped her arms tightly around his neck.  

           “Hey, it’s okay,” he said, rubbing her back.  “I’m okay.”

           She pulled away and gave his arm a light punch. “You really scared me.”

           “Yeah, well, next time I’ll double check my banana-walnut muffin actually has walnuts.”

           “And I’ll believe you when you say your throat is closing up.”

           Devi’s phone rang and he saw Paxton’s name flash on the screen.  He asked her, “Do you need to get that?”

           He watched her hesitate before sending it to voicemail.

----

           Devi and Paxton broke up a week later.  He found out from one of the retirement home residents, who he overheard telling Devi, “You’re better off, Devi.  Take it from an old woman.  You have the rest of your life to be with one person.  Now is the time to be free.  Sow your wild oats, if you will.”

           “Um, I don’t really know what that last part means, but I feel you.  I mean, I’m too young and hot to be tied down, right?”

           “Exactly.  You know, I have a grandson you might be interested in.  He’s pre-med.”

           “I appreciate the offer, Beatrice.  And offering me your grandson after I just broke up with my boyfriend?  Savage. But, I think I need to take some time by myself.”

           That afternoon during bingo, Ben casually brought up the breakup after calling out B-27.

           “Are you okay?” he asked.

           “Yeah, I’m okay,” she said.  She ran the machine and picked out the next ball.  “B-13!”  She put the ball down and said in a regular volume voice, “We just didn’t have that much in common.”

           “Yeah, I bet,” Ben said automatically.

           “Wow, okay,” Devi said with a laugh that didn’t exactly sound reassuring.

           “I didn’t mean,..” he trailed off, because he kind of did.  “Anyway, I’m glad you’re okay.”  He paused and picked up the next ball.  “N-7!”

           “Bingo!”

----

           Summer was coming to a close, and so was their time at the retirement home.  For some reason, Ben felt an impending sense of dread.  Sure, he would still see Devi, but it would be different.  Everyone else would be added back to the mix, including Paxton.  

           Their last big event at the retirement home was a movie night.  They set up a projector in one of the recreation rooms and made it up like an old theater, complete with velvet ropes and individual little bags of popcorn. They even wore old-timey usher costumes they rented from a local costume shop.

           “Does yours also smell like nachos?”  Devi asked.

           “Yeah.  I’m trying not to think about it.”

           The movie was It Happened One Night, and Devi and Ben sat in the back, watching the movie along with the residents.  It was secretly one of Ben’s favorites.  He and his mom had spent little time together when he was growing up, but she shared with him her love of old movies.

           It was the Jericho scene, where Clark Gable’s character was setting up a sheet between him and Claudette Colbert in their motel room.  He stripped down to just his undershirt, and Devi mused, “Clark Gable was super bangable.”

           “Shh,” Ben said.  “This is my favorite part.”

           Devi looked over at him and grinned.  Feeling her gaze, he glanced over and felt his breath stop when their eyes met.  They were close, and in the darkness her eyes seemed to glow.  He always thought she had pretty eyes.  Even before, when he hated her more times than he liked her. He felt an urge to lean forward. It would be so easy.  Just the slightest lean and his mouth would be against hers.  But, that would just be a kiss in the back of a dark room.  He wanted more.

           “Eleanor told me that you wanted to choose me after Malibu.”

           She blinked rapidly.  “What?”

           “After you scattered your dad’s ashes.  She said you wanted to choose me, but they made you also consider Paxton.”

           “Okay.”

           “Is that true?”

           Devi didn’t answer, so he kept talking.

           “And she said that you started the rumor about Aneesa because you thought that we were dating and you were jealous.  And, you see, I’ve had it in my mind all this time that it was always Paxton.  And that I was, I don’t know, some detour on the way, but-“

           “You were not a detour,” Devi said immediately. “You were…you were perfect.  And I messed us up.”

           “So, Eleanor was telling the truth?”

           Devi nodded.  “Yeah, she was.”

           Ben took a deep breath.  “Devi.  I’m going to kiss you now.”

           She nodded, all business, but he could hear the nerves in her voice when she said, “Okay.  Thank you for the advanced warning.”

           He leaned in and captured her mouth with his.  The kiss was sweet and unhurried, like they had all the time in the world.  And in a way, they did.  There was a noise behind them, and they pulled apart abruptly.  Their supervisor stood over them and said, "Remember what I said about no sex on property?"

"Are you kidding me right now?"  Devi said.  "Who is having sex in these gross costumes?"

"You'd be surprised."

The supervisor walked away, and Devi looked at Ben.  "You don't think she meant..."

"I think she absolutely did."

"I need to take this off immediately."

[doctorjennawinston]

Stats

Name: Jennavecia “Jenna” Marjorie Winston Age: 33 Birthdate: April 16 Occupation: ER Doctor at Tulsa General Hospital Sexuality: Heteroflexible Relationship Status: Single Bio under the cut! tw:pregnancy, tw:miscarriage, tw:parental death, tw:drunk driving

Jennavecia Marjorie Winston was born and raised in Tulsa, Oklahoma, on the West Side of town. Growing up, Jenna lived what many would describe as a charmed life, having a silver spoon in her mouth from the moment she was born. Her father, Paul Winston, was a renowned surgeon, who essentially built the surgery department at Tulsa General from the ground up. Her mother, Marjorie Taylor-Winston, was a partner in one of the biggest law firms in Tulsa. Despite growing up as a Soc on the wealthy side of town, Jenna’s parents were insistent that she grow up as humble and kind as possible. They instilled values in her that seemed uncommon for the time, not wanting her to view herself as better than anyone else simply because of her circumstance. Jenna worked hard for everything she has, and was forced to learn many tough life lessons along the way. 

Jenna had a wonderful relationship with her parents- they both loved her more than anything, and she was the apple of their eye, especially as an only child. Despite the fact that they both worked insane hours, they made certain to always make as much time for family and each other as possible, taking frequent family trips and vacations, and doing as much together as they could. Even though her parents were never necessarily absent, much of Jenna’s time as a child was spent with her nanny, the woman the Winstons hired to look after Jenna while they were at work. Jenna loved her nanny just as much as her parents, and viewed her as family- an extension of her parents in a sense. The two got along fabulously, and all was well with the world. 

Then, when Jenna was 12, tragedy struck. Paul and Marjorie were making their way back home from a Charity Event the hospital was holding, one Jenna hadn’t attended with them due to having come down with the flu, when they were involved in a head-on collision with a drunk driver. Both were killed instantly upon impact, leaving 12-year-old Jenna an orphan. The only blessing in the whole mess was that her parents had been smart- they owned their lavish home, they owned their vehicles, and had made a point of funneling as much money as possible into a trust for Jenna, should anything have ever occurred. Due to this, Jenna was placed in the custody of her nanny, who was allowed to remain permenantly in the home, to continue raising Jenna. 

Although her parents’ deaths rocked her to her core, Jennavecia did her best to remain positive, keeping the forward momentum and drive they’d instilled within her. She excelled in school, both in academics and in her extracurriculars. When Jenna was 14, she met Elijah Cane. The two wound up in a Biology class together, and became partners for the required labs. Within only a few days, Jenna was enamored with her partner, attracted to something about him she couldn’t quite put her finger on. Within only a few weeks, the two began dating. While Elijah and Jenna were very much in love, the relationship proved to be tumultuous at best. As the old saying goes, opposites attract, and this was absolutely the case with the pair of them. Jenna was type-a, organized, driven, focused, and as put-together as could be, while Elijah played the game of life fast and loose, living on the edge and rebelling against the Soc society as much as he possibly could. Riddled with arguments, disagreements, alcohol, drug use, and very little solid commitment, the relationship was on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again for many years. 

Despite her relationship troubles, Jenna managed to graduate top of her class, and moved quickly on to college, followed by med school. Throughout this time, she and Elijah continued to go back-and-forth in their relationship. Jenna wanted her love to settle down, to work with her to build the life she’d always dreamed of. But, commitment just wasn’t something Elijah could provide. He often left Jenna alone, not coming home, being late on bills if he paid them at all, and certainly not even being willing to discuss wedding rings or bells. More than anything, Jenna wanted the life her parents had- to be so in love with her partner, to build a family, and to really settle down and into a normalized, comfortable life. At the age of 27, Jenna began to accept that Elijah Cane might never be able to provide her with any of those things. He might never be ready for the type of life she so desperately craved. So, she made the hardest decision of her life. She left him, for good. 

Heartbroken, Jenna did her best to continue pushing herself through school, focusing on her studies and throwing every bit of energy she had into making sure she was the best doctor she could be. During this time, she met James, another med student who was in many of her classes. The two began studying together, then seeing each other more frequently for non-school related meetups. While Jenna’s heart was still with Elijah Cane, her mind forced her to move on. Within a few short months, James and Jenna began dating. With James, Jenna could see the future she’d always wanted, and while she couldn’t say she was as madly in love with him as she’d been with Elijah, she did love him. He was intelligent, respectable, and serious, and he seemed like everything Jenna had ever wanted. The pair dated for three years. 

When Jenna was 30, she became pregnant with James’ child. Beyond excited, she was certain the event would open the door to the life she’d always dreamed of. But, when she told James the good news, he didn’t react as she’d expected. He became sullen, withdrawn, almost angry, and Jenna knew something was wrong. Only two months into the pregnancy, Jennavecia learned that James had been seeing someone else- someone he’d apparently fallen in love with, someone he planned to propose to, just as soon as he’d ended things with Jenna (which he’d apparently been looking to do for some time). It was then that James walked out on her, on their relationship, on their future, and on their unborn child. Heartbroken once more, Jenna struggled to cope with the stress of everything happening in her life, as well as the despair she felt at having her dream snatched from her once more. Eventually, the stress became too great, and in her third month of pregnancy, Jenna suffered a miscarriage.

She’d told no one, aside from her nanny (who still lived in the family home with her) of her pregnancy. Following the miscarriage, Jenna became extremely depressed, though she did her best to push forward, not wanting to discuss what had happened with anyone. Though, in her time of grief, it occurred to her that more than anything, the only person she wanted was Elijah Cane. Still, she did not reach out to him at that time, and to this day Elijah is unaware of what occurred between Jenna and James, aside from the fact that they broke up. About a year ago, Jenna found herself back in semi-contact with Elijah, having civil conversations and occasionally reaching out to check up on his welfare. Although he’d moved to the West Side of town, having completely rid himself of his Soc life and persona, Tulsa is small, and gossip travels fast. She’s aware of Elijah’s antics, knowing that following their breakup, he’s spiraled quite a bit. 

Jenna graduated from med school, finishing her internships and residency, just after her miscarriage. She took an open position in Tulsa General’s ER, as working Emergency had always been something she’d been interested in and driven to do. She has held her position there for nearly three years, and her life revolves primarily around her job. Still fairly withdrawn following her experiences, Jenna is polite and friendly with everyone, but has struggled to form any new connections, having many trust issues and now believing that the dream of a wedding and family she’d always held so dear to be nothing more than a pipe dream. Oh, and there’s the fact that she’s realized she is still and always has been very much in love with Elijah Cane. 

[nothingunrealistic]

assorted billions season 1 thoughts because i can. under a cut for length and for one not sfw bullet point

billions is fundamentally a show by and for straight cis men. this is both obvious in general and particularly true in season 1, as the entire premise of the season is “a man and a woman are friends and this makes the woman’s husband SO MAD that he does everything he can to destroy the man’s life, even when it means destroying his wife’s career, his own life, and / or his marriage.” let us all be thankful that the writers found other ways to have chuck, wendy, and axe interact, and thereby merely ran this formula into the ground rather than into the earth’s core.

relatedly, i’m glad this season ended with wendy cutting both chuck and axe out of her life immediately after realizing they’ve both betrayed her trust, and i’m sad that it didn’t last and it took wendy until season 5 to divorce chuck. god knows how long it’ll take her to cut ties with axe permanently, if such a thing ever happens. if i’d somehow watched this show from the beginning, i’d be rooting for wendy to get out and stay out!

of the three examples of axe cap being The Most Fun Place To Work that lauren cited in 5x01 (eating contests, body sushi, and trips to amsterdam), the first two specifically happened in 1x05, when axe was absent after having given orders to sell everything and all the axe cappers were avoiding work and messing around because no one knew what the hell was going on. that’s less “fun” and more “utterly chaotic in the absence of any clear direction.”

did i know what was happening with donnie (i.e., dying of cancer, being an informant for the fbi because axe directed him to be in exchange for money for his family) the entire time? yes. was i still sad about his death, almost to the point of crying while watching the scenes of his funeral in 1x10? yes. is it absolutely wild that the closing scene of 1x10, in which axe looks at donnie’s framed photo and grapples with his own culpability in donnie’s death, was set to tubthumping by chumbawamba? yes!!!

sex scenes. oh my god there were so many sex scenes in this season and i hated them all so much. 5 of the first 6 episodes of the season (which is HALF THE SEASON) featured sex scenes. lara and axe had sex in a POOL which is a bad idea on so many levels. why why why. i can only consider myself lucky that the writers toned it down in later seasons.

i was annoyed by the several-episodes-long buildup to sacker and connerty getting together (which i didn’t know billions was even capable of, quite frankly), and then their interactions in 1x11 after having Gotten Together were actually fun and cute. not looking forward to their Breakup Arc or equivalent in (presumably) seasons 2-3.

i desperately wish sacker and taylor would talk to each other. if sacker, rather than connerty, had sought taylor out in that coffee shop and offered to talk to them about their Workplace Environment, axe capital would be rubble. the show would be over. we’d be free. please, writers, it’s not too late to put them in the same room or on the same side.

carly, channing, and hlasa, whose collective arc of [leaving axe cap in the dead of night with money and employees to start their own hedge fund] → [inviting dollar bill aboard after he feeds them useful information that makes them money] → [losing money on a deliberately bad tip given to them by dollar bill] → [being forced to come back under axe’s control so that their firm doesn’t completely collapse] spanned all of two episodes, want what taylor has. (i.e., a breakaway hedge fund that can survive most of a season of onslaughts from axe, and also some brains and common sense.)

donnie also wants what taylor has. (i.e., getting to remain alive and successful on this show, all while being Not Cishet.)

plot points from this season that make chess theory seem more plausible than ever: the aforementioned axe & donnie informant arc, during which axe makes it publicly known that he Knows there’s a traitor in the office and acts as if donnie is one of three people he Suspects (even though he knows donnie is the informant because they’d planned it together), all to throw off the fbi’s course and make them trust donnie; axe & dollar bill’s fake fight, intended to give the impression that dollar bill is now at odds with axe, all to fool axe’s real enemies (carly, channing, and hlasa) into letting their guards down.

[sabineelectricheart]

A Room Full of Clothes

Summary: Byleth is evicted from her apartment. Dimitri is ready to help her.

Rating: T - Suitable for teens, 13 years and older, with some violence, minor coarse language, and minor suggestive adult themes.

Words: 4800

Notes: I wouldn’t call it fluff. God, no. But it’s kinda cute, in a way. I hope you like it.

The sun shone brightly over the edges of the Gronder Field as a new day begins in Remire. The citizens start their gruelling commute to Garreg Mach early, not to be late for their jobs in the city.

“Okay, I’m here!” Byleth wiggles an arm through the sleeve of her jacket before settling into the couch with the rest of her roommates. “I’m in a bit of rush, but I’m here, I’m ready and I’m ready to listen. Now, will you tell us why you’ve called this emergency meeting?”

Annette fidgets on the spot, standing in the centre of the living room. Her doe-like blue eyes flicker between the remaining three residents. Felix, Ingrid and Sylvain uneasily avoid their friend’s gaze. In fact, they avoid looking at anything other than the walls of their apartment.

Byleth furrows her brow, narrowing her eyes in question to their strange behaviour.

“What’s going on?” Byleth begins slowly.

When none of them dares to make eye-contact, she turns to Felix, who sits closest to her on the couch.

“Don’t look at me.” The bluenette huffs, throwing his hands up defensively and with the usual angry edge to his voice. “I am not the one who called this little sham of a meeting, Annette did.”

The man looks pointedly at their roommate standing, urging her to get over whatever it was. Felix was never a patient person.

Byleth frowns, turning her attention back to the redhead who is nervously gnawing at her lower lip. The sinking feeling in her gut tells her nothing good is going to come from this “emergency meeting”, and something tells her, from the way her roommates are refusing to make eye contact, there was nothing last minute about this gathering.

“Byleth, you know you’re my best friend, and a very good friend to all of us!” She says the latter in one rushed breath.

“Why do I get the feeling like you’re all about to breakup with me?” The woman in question mutters, earning herself a snort from Sylvain for the trouble. She, then, tries to catch Ingrid’s and Felix’s eyes, but they were much too busy staring at the carpet.

Annette does not hear her, or does not care to, and continues to trample over her own words.

“We were thinking, with the end of our school year and everything coming up so soon this summer. Oh, this isn’t easy!” She stutters, fingers fumbling together.

The sight makes Byleth uncomfortable and she frowns. Cold dread rushes up her spine. “What’s going on?”

Felix sighs. “Come on, Annette. Just spit it out! It’s just Byleth, for the Goddess’ sake!”

“We were wondering if you’re considering moving in with Dimitri?” The young physicist blurts out.

A heavy silence falls over the five, all sitting uncomfortably next to each other, with the exception of Annette, who had the misfortune of stand before them. Her fists balls up tightly, her eyes quickly scanning Byleth’s usually neutral face in a sad effort to read her thoughts.

The blue-haired schoolteacher breaks the silence with a nervous chuckle, waiting for them to tell her at any moment this is all some joke. When no one says anything after another loaded beat of silence, she whips her head between Sylvain and Annette, before craning her head to read Ingrid and Felix’s sheepish expressions.

“Excuse me, what?” She lets out another uneasy laugh.

Ingrid sighs, finally looking up from the spot on the ground she has been fixating on.

“I think what we are all trying to say, or ask, is … You and Dimitri have been getting pretty serious over the last year, and we’re all very glad for that. We also think that it’s a bit inevitable, taking from how often you stay over at his place, that eventually you’re going to move in with him.”

Heat flushes Byleth’s face and she gapes flabbergasted at the strange scenario unfolding in her living room. Where her roommates have decidedly taken it upon themselves to ask her an intimate question she had not even considered, or discussed, with her own boyfriend.

The young woman shakes her head bemused.

“What are you guys talking about? Dimitri and I have been together a while, yes, but I live here.” She jabs a finger on the sofa’s cushion to emphasise her irritation. “Where is all of this coming from?”

All four others exchange quiet, nervous glances and fall deadly silent.

Byleth’s frown deepens. “Are you guys worried I’m going to stop paying rent or something? Because I’m not, I know I live here and I’ll keep paying my share of the bills. Just because I spend a lot of time by Dimitri doesn’t mean…”

“Would someone just… Tell her, please?” Felix scoffs.

“Why don’t you, emo boy?” Sylvain snaps, and the bluenette shuts up and sulks.

“What are we supposed to think? You’re hardly ever here!” Annette interjects and Byleth’s attention snaps back to her. “In the last three months, you’ve probably been home a grand total of one week and that’s just to do your share of the chores and to get a fresh set clothes.”

“I don’t have any plans to move in with Dimitri anytime soon, and if I had, I’d like to think I’d discuss it with him first and then you guys before leaving.” The girl with the blue hair crosses her arms over her chest. Her brow furrows in anger, wondering why the people she trusts the most are testing her. “I’m trying to wrap my head around this. Are you guys upset, or… I don’t know, that I’m not really home to hang out?”

There’s a hasty chorus of disagreement and a snort from Sylvain.

“No! Of course not. We’re all happy you and Dimitri were able to work things out and be together. None of us miss either of you sulking on the hallways because of heartache, trust me. It’s just…” Annette’s shifty eyes dart around the face of her roommates again before dropping her voice to a near whisper. “Somebody could be living in that room. Garreg Mach is really expensive and it’s hard to find somewhere to live comfortably at a reasonable price.”

“I know that, which is why I pay one-fifth of the rent.” Byleth says a little stung by the comment. “I could make more of an effort to be here, you’re right about that, but I…”

Suddenly it all clicks, and after nearly three years dealing with shy kids trying to make sense of their own emotions, Byleth can practically see the puzzle pieces aligning perfectly together. A surge of hot energy courses through her. Betrayal and anger flare up.

“Oh my star!” Byleth gasps, jaw slacking as the realisation dawns on her. Her friends collectively tense at her tone. “You have someone for the room already, don’t you?!”

“See!” Annette’s eye grow wide. She nervously points an accusing finger at Byleth. “You’re calling it the room, not even my room.”

“That is not the point!” The woman adds flustered. “And you’re not even denying it!”

“Okay, okay.” Sylvain wheels himself between Annette and Byleth. “I think we all need to take a step back and reassess. Byleth deserves a proper explanation and we’ve done a terrible job so far.”

Felix shakes his head, rolling her eyes and Ingrid awkwardly scratches at her eyebrow.  

Falling to him, the redhead gives his friend a pained smile and gently tells her, “Byleth, I think what Annette is trying to say is that we may have jumped the gun a bit and promised your room to someone else.”

She rubs her creased forehead, trying to wrap her head around the mess.

“Why…” Byleth begins slowly, letting out a loud sigh and trying to stifle her anger into a passive voice. “…Would you offer my room to someone before even talking to me? Can’t you guys just tell them, I don’t know, sike?”

Annette and Sylvain share another anxious glance, trying to trade off the responsibility of telling the irate blackbelt in more martial arts they care to know the truth.

“One of our, ahem, friends in common told Annette she was struggling to find a place since the lease on her place was running out and well…” Sylvain scratched the back of his head, what he usually did whenever he felt nervous. “I think, our Annette here saw a colleague in need and… Offered up your room.”

They have hit Byleth in her weak spot, pulling at her heart strings and targeting the softness at the core of her nature. She opens her mouth, trying to come up with a solution before Annette hits her with the devastating, closing blow:

“It’s Dorothea.”

“Sylvain’s girlfriend?” Byleth groans, burying her face in her hands. “Why doesn’t she sleep on his room?!”

“She’s a model, you see.” Said man interjects with a moronic smile. “She owns too many clothes and shoes and make-up. Between her stuff and my stuff, we wouldn’t have any space.”

“Oh, so I’m being evicted, not so Dorothea can move in, but her clothes?!” The woman bawled. “What the fuck?!

Ingrid scoots closer and runs an arm, hopefully reassuring, around her friend’s shoulder. “It’s not like that, Byleth. Dorothea really needs a place to stay, and, well, you really don’t.”

The blue-haired woman glares at the blonde. “Easy for you to say, Ingrid. You’re engaged, why don’t you move in with Glenn?”

“Glenn lives in Fraldarius, Byleth.” The blonde biochemist responded, as if it was obvious.

“And Dimitri lives in the Upper City. Your point?” The other shot back.

She wishes the four of them had collectively shot her. It would hurt less. She stands up abruptly and shoulders her bag once more before heading for the front door.

“I need to go clear my head.” Byleth declared, picking up her keys from the table and walking to the door. “I can’t talk about this right now. I’m going to be late.”

No one moves, except for Annette, who looks like she is about to bolt after the young teacher, but Felix stops her.

“Oh, yeah? Where are you headed tonight?” Sylvain smugly calls out after Byleth, who glares at him before slamming the door.

*_*_*_*_*

When she arrives at Dimitri’s apartment, thirteen hours later, letting herself in with her own set of keys, the rich smell of oregano and sharp cheddar envelopes her seductively. Dedue must have stopped by.

The blond man can tell by the way Byleth storms in without so much of a greeting and the hasty way she unpacks the wine from her carrier bag that she is in a bad mood. She does not even bother petting or cooing at Rufus, aptly named after her boyfriend’s hated uncle, when it desperately whines at her heels.

Standing on the kitchen door after setting the dinner plates, Dimitri quirks an eyebrow at her. “Delays on the cable car again?”

His girlfriend remains eerily silent, opening and closing a few drawers and cabinet doors. Angry at her comfort and ease at which she can move around his apartment, finding exactly what she was looking for, where she was looking for it.

Dimitri continues to observe her. Eyes scanning, analysing, as she sets down two wine glasses with a clink. Impatiently, the resident uncorks the wine bottle and with a loud, long glug she pours the cheap red wine.

After handing Dimitri his glass, she gingerly-yet-decidedly taps hers with his and takes one long gulp. Byleth finally meets his eyes and pulls her drinks away, exhaling noisily.

“I’m getting kicked out of my apartment.” She declares, monotone. “I’m getting kicked out because of clothes.”

Dimitri freezes, wine glass suspended at his mouth. Out of all the reasons why she stomped into the house, this was not one of the scenarios he had prepared for. She downs the rest of her wine before pouring herself another generous serving.

“The tribe has spoken. I’ve been voted off the island. Big Brother has evicted me. I am the weakest link. I didn’t get a rose. Sashay away. I’m running out of TV catch phrases here, Dimitri.”

Byleth moves to the other side of the room and towards the couch, Rufus following closely behind her. When she plops down unceremoniously, she finally gives in and scratches the dark-brown Labrador behind its ear.

Dimitri throws a glance over his shoulder, ensuring the food his housekeeper brough over in the afternoon was covered before following the exasperated woman.

His eyebrows tightly knit together. “What do you mean you’re being kicked out?”

Byleth fills him in on why she is so frustrated, explaining the unwitting part that Dorothea played on the whole mess and recapping the details of the stupid living room meeting but overtly sidesteps the reasoning her roommates used to indirectly oust her from their home.

“Why do I get the feeling that there’s more to this than you’re letting on?” Dimitri says coolly, seeing through her as if she was made of glass.

He takes another drink of the terrible wine she has thoughtlessly chosen and fixes her with a serious stare. Byleth averts her blue eyes back down to her lap, heat prickling at her cheeks and ears. At the thought of presenting her boyfriend with the same words Annette had used calls a wave of embarrassment to wash over her.

She lets out a loud breath, the dark strands of her fringe blowing up briefly. She turns her head and meets his concerned gaze. “They did it because they’re expecting me to move in with you.”

The stillness that follows unnerves the older woman. Byleth cannot read Dimitri’s expression, and a rush of emotions surge through her. Mortified, she busies herself by petting Rufus’ eager head.

She is about to open her mouth again, on the verge of taking it all back, but then he speaks. “I wasn’t sure when to bring it up.”

“I’m sorry, what?” The woman balks.

Dimitri’s words take her by surprise, blowing her over in the complete opposite direction she anticipates. It is his turn to let out an exasperated sigh and takes a long drink as Byleth watches him nervously, gripping onto a spare throw pillow.

“Bring what up?” She asks, softly, trying to calm him down.

“I can see why they would think that.” He averts his gaze, toying with the stem of the wine glass. “You… Have been spending a lot of time here.”

“I have not!” She interrupts, but the man pays her no mind.

“I can see where they’re coming from. Most of your belongings are here. Your clothes, your class logs, your books, your plants, even your dog!” Dimitri lets out a chuckle.

Byleth stiffens. “They’re cacti and I can take them back to my apartment. I can clear out my drawer and take my paperwork, that’s not an issue, and I just keep Rufus here because Felix is allergic. I’m sorry if I’ve made myself too comfortable, but I…”

His large, comforting hand cuts her off mid-sentence, finding a spot on her lap.

“I don’t want to give you just a drawer.” He interjects.

The words die in her throat, mouth opening and closing a few times before she tilts her head quizzically. “What are you saying?”

Dimitri places his near-empty glass of wine on the coffee table, littered with her medical journal printouts.

“Well, you’ll be 29 soon…”

“And you’re 27, spring chicken.” Byleth smacks his arm with the pillow she holds.

Dimitri goes quiet, shooting her a deadpanned and exhausted look.

“I wasn’t meaning it as an insult, if you would just listen.” He mutters, clearly miffed at the jab at their age difference. “What I was trying to say, before you so rudely interrupted me, Byleth, is that you’re almost finally graduating college. I know you don’t like staying put for too long and you might want to move out of Garreg Mach altogether now, but if you choose to stay here…”

A pause weighs heavily on the living room environment. The man breathes out before continuing, feeling extremely bashful for broaching the subject.

“Well… Haven’t you… Haven’t you ever given it any thought on whether you’d like to live here with me?” His cheeks prickle pink at the words.

She feels like she is wading through a daydream, stomach somersaulting at the soft look he is giving her.

“Of course, it has crossed my mind. You know I like the school where I teach and I love my students. I don’t have anywhere else to go.” She plays with the frayed-ends of the pillow’s cover. “We’ve been together for a little over a year, everything’s been great and I love you—oh, don’t give me that look, it’s not like it’s a secret.”

A smug, coy smirk tugs at corners of his mouth and Byleth gives him another light whack with the pillow.

Another chorus of quiet laughter erupts from Dimitri, chest bouncing as he shields himself from the woman’s attack. “Okay, so would you care to elaborate what’s holding you back from moving in with me?”

Byleth freezes as his words, out in the open between them for the first time. Somewhere deep inside she resents her closest friends for forcing her hand to have this conversation. There is also a smaller hidden part of her that is so very grateful for them.

“It’s not that easy…” She mutters, anxious hands lavishing Rufus with attention.

Dimitri frowns. “Is it because you don’t want to move in with me?”

“No!” Byleth hurriedly responds, snapping her attention back to the young financier. “It’s not that.”

“Okay, humour me.” Dimitri studies her, silently intrigued by the challenge he has just posed. “Why not?”

“Where to begin? Oh, right, how about the fact that I can’t pay my share of the rent in the Upper City?” Byleth grumbles.

Despite her mother coming from wealth, Byleth’s life was always fraught with modest means. She had to delay going to college to raise some funds, and even then, she worked hard throughout her four years of education to get herself through it. It might be prideful of her, but she would not start relying on her moneybags boyfriend to pay all her bills when she finally was able to feel the coveted piece of paper in her hands.

Dimitri tenses. “Uh… Byleth, I own the townhouse. I thought you knew that.”

His attention uncomfortably shifts when Byleth’s jaw slacks.

“No, I did not know that, Dimitri,” she hisses.

He clears his throat. “Well, rent wouldn’t be an issue because I own the apartment. That is, in another three years, when I’m finished paying off the mortgage.”

Nervously, Byleth runs a hand through her hair. “Okay…” she starts slowly, trying to process the new information. “And how much is your mortgage—hey,” she scolds him when he opens his mouth to protest, eyes narrowing. “If you want to live together, I need to know these things, especially if I’m going to have to pull my weight in living costs.”

Dimitri’s frown deepens and he crosses his arms defensively over his chest. “I wouldn’t ask you to pay the mortgage, Byleth.”

The woman scoffs. “Then am I meant to just freeload and sit around your apartment, looking pretty, not contributing to the water, gas, electric bills?”

“You can contribute to the bills, and looking pretty wouldn’t hurt either, especially in that number you wore on my birthday, but I won’t have you paying towards the mortgage, it’s preposterous.” Dimitri reiterates, his light blond eyebrows knit together.

“Well, then I’m not moving in.” She pouts, arms also coming to cross over her chest.

He challenges her silence for a minute, then two, and after a year of being involved with the strong-headed teacher, he reconsiders.

With a defeated sigh, Dimitri reaches for Byleth’s forgotten notepad and pen on the coffee table. He scribbles quickly before loudly ripping the page out. He scrutinises her with a glare as he folds the page in halves, quarters, eights before reluctantly handing it over to her.

When Byleth smooths out the creases of the paper, she coughs loudly, awkwardly, at the figure staring back at her.

“Those are a lot of zeros.” She chokes out, eyes nearly bulging out of her head. “I can’t afford that. You know I can’t afford that. I teach kindergarten, for goodness sakes. That’s my dad’s yearly income. Double. By just sitting here, I’m practically depreciating the value of your home.”

The blond shakes his head. “I’m not asking you to pay for anything.”

“If we’re going to have a serious conversation about me moving in with you, you need to understand I do not want to live here rent-free.” Her face wrinkles in distaste for the idea.

“Then pay me what you’re paying in rent now at your current place.” Dimitri says defeated.

“No,” Byleth shakes her head decidedly and the man lets out another loud, exasperated breath. “No way. I didn’t take any handouts from my grandmother when she offered them, I won’t be taking them from my boyfriend, thank you. I am very much aware of our financial discrepancy, Dimitri.”

She crumples up the piece of paper and buries her face into the pillow. Money and social class have always been a sore spot between her and her friends. Felix and Sylvain were shamelessly rich, they were only slumming in Remire. Annette was definitively upper middle class, and Ingrid, while falling in a rough spot financially, was definitively marrying up next Spring.

That is not all. While they were all younger than her, they all had finished college and moved on to high-paying jobs, while she was stuck going to school every night because she had to work barely-over minimum wage. It was humiliating at times.

Now, her boyfriend wants her to move into his townhouse and become some sort of post-modern Stepford wife and it all seems so meaningless to her. She struggled to get herself where she is, all the way from when she was a little child and she had to say goodbye to whatever friend she made because her father had to move them to where there were work to now. If she caves in to Dimitri, what was even the point?

In the end, she knows that money is freedom, and she does not want to lose hers.

“This isn’t what I had planned. I was supposed to save up enough money to rent out my own little apartment by the end of next year. A grungy little place just for me, where you can finally come over and be forced to take cold showers in the shitty water pressure. A place in a neighbourhood where you’d tell me to call you every time I get home to make sure I got in okay. Not this!” She looks up to gesticulate wildly at his grossly luxurious living room.

“I’d ask you to call me when you got home regardless of where you choose to live.” He adds softly, hand on her thigh drawing comforting shapes.

“I don’t know what to do.” Byleth adds quietly, anxious hands once again petting an alert Rufus. “Our friends have accidentally kicked me out because they’re just… Well-meaning dickheads. And I know this is the next step for us, I just wish we had a say in it. Now, I have no choice but to accelerate my masterplan of winning the Imperial Lottery to afford living here. Twice.”

An uncharacteristically loud laugh erupts from Dimitri.

“You’re laughing, but I mean it. Even when I get my degree, I’ll have to work four jobs just to pay that stupid mortgage of yours.” Byleth adds seriously, slightly peeved at her boyfriend’s reaction.

“I know.” He replies coolly, almost smiling. “And I live to see the day when that happens, beloved. I just wish you’d hurry up already so I can finally retire and be a kept man.”

“Ha!” She giggles madly at the imagery it evokes, shoving him playfully and causing a wild grin to break out on his face. “The great Dimitri Blaiddyd, the Boar Prince of mergers and acquisitions, retired. What would you even spend your time doing? Going to the matinee and evening opera?”

“Which brings up another logistical point.” He begins thoughtfully. “If you move in, wherever will you run away to when you don’t want to go to the opera with me? You won’t have ‘last minute plans’ with your roommates or ‘pressing chores’ you have to complete at your apartment.”

She flushes. Clearly she is not as sly as she thinks she is.

Byleth changes the topic hastily. “Shouldn’t you be at least a little bit more… I don’t know… Opposed to us living together?”

Dimitri quietly considers her question as a hand comes up to rub the scruff on his jaw. Byleth immediately scolds herself for stupidly bringing on her own demise. Why would she question her boyfriend, with a notorious history of flighty behaviour, if he really wants to do this?

At this rate, she will be living in a cardboard under the Airmid River bridge. She wonders if her Uncle Seteth would let her sleep in Flayn’s room, now she is off to college in Fhirdiad.

“We’ve practically been living together for the last three months.” He says with a shrug, surprising Byleth. “I might’ve been disinclined about the notion a year ago, but… it’s as you said: everything’s been great and I love you.”

It is her turn to grin ear-to-ear at the words, she enjoys hearing the ease at which he uses them.

“It’s something that’s been on my mind lately, at an alarming frequency, if I may add.” He continues, clearing his throat and the hand on her thigh squeezes lightly. “I just never knew when it would be the right time to… Bring it up. I meant what I said earlier, I want to give you more than just a drawer. I want your cacti, your muddy shoes, your impressive collection of military history books. Those overpriced scented candles, your terrible, terrible, choice in wine, the way you somehow always manage to slam the door on your way out, how excited your demon dog gets when it knows it’s you unlocking the door. I want this to be your home too, Byleth. I want you to have your home with me.”

She swallows thickly. It might be the two heaped-glasses of terrible wine finally kicking in or the unguarded expression Dimitri wears so beautifully on his tired face, but the emotions are bubbling to the surface. They start as a prickle at the corners of her eyes and a stinging sensation in her nose.

A tear or two slip out, and before she can stop it, a goofy grin splits across her warm face. The hand on Byleth’s lap finally leaves its comfortable, warm spot. His thumb swipes at the rogue tears and Dimitri offers her a shy smile.

“Okay.” She says hoarsely, nodding slowly.

“Okay.” He echoes, blue eyes searching her face and the smile on his brightens by the second.

The hand resting on her face brings her towards him and their lips meet. His mouth slanting over hers in a new kiss, one they have never shared before. One that has always been waiting for them. It is painfully soft, reassuring, and feels like home. It feels like the kiss she has been searching for her whole life, and it has been waiting for her all along, right in the middle of this living room, on a Friday night, with the promise of a future waiting for them.

Maybe she owes her roommates an apology, and maybe a ‘Thank You’ card while she is at it.

The timer rings out loudly and Rufus’ barking follows. The alluring waft of potato gratin fills the house, their house, more prominent than before.

When they pull apart, her watery eyes find his, and they share a laugh at the silly looks on their faces.

“On one condition, though.” Byleth whispers, and they are still so close she can feel his breath ghosting across her lower lip. Dimitri quirks an eyebrow, somehow anticipating this request will be one her of lovely idiosyncrasies. “I still get to run away when you ask me to join you at the opera.”

Dimitri does not answer. Growling at Byleth’s vexing behaviour, he pounces on her and she fills the apartment with loud, raucous giggles while Dimitri lavishes the most sensitive part of her neck with ticklish kisses, beard relentlessly adding to the sensation.

They spend the remainder of the evening hashing out logistical details over wine and food. They fall into a comfortable routine, one they have never before noticed had always been there.

*_*_*_*_*

Fire Emblem Masterlist

Three Houses Masterlist

[queensofrap]

Cardi B in the March 2019 issue of Harper’s BAZAAR. QUEEN.

Cardi B Opens Up About Her "Rags to Riches" Cinderella Story

When Cardi B visits her favorite nail salon in the Bronx, she enters through a raggedy hallway covered with a rug emblazoned with the image of a $100 bill. The salon, which overlooks a bustling avenue of pizza shops, sports-gear superstores, and boutiques with weaves in 70 colors, is a temple to money, excess, and sexiness, symbolized in the application of nails that look like diamond-encrusted Buck knives. Portraits of two icons of pulchritude hang on the walls—namely, Marilyn Monroe and the very 2019 version of Marilyn: Cardi. 

With a posse that includes her dad, her half-sister, her half-brother, and two Drogosize bodyguards whose names I don’t catch but imagine to be Bulwark and Spear, Cardi, 26, heads toward a private side room. She surrenders her hands and feet to Jenny Bui, her sharp-tongued nail tech of more than half a decade, even back when she didn’t have the money to move out of this borough.

A tiny, makeup-less sprite in magenta leggings and a playful Moschino sweatshirt, Cardi talks about where she’s at today. On one hand, she says, “I feel like my life is a fairy tale and I’m a princess—rags to riches, people trying to sabotage,” she says. But she also complains fervently about being over the fairy-tale life and wanting peace and quiet. “Before, I cared about everything—relationship, gossip. Now I don’t feel like I have the time to please people,” she explains. “I don’t care about anything anymore—just my career and my kid.” What about money, the thing she raps about caring for quite a bit? “Well, I care about my career because of my money,” Cardi says, giving me a “c’mon, stupid” face.

“Before,” in this context, means before the tectonic shifts that have taken place in Cardi’s life in the past year: that she became a global superstar; relocated from New York to Atlanta to live with the charismatic rapper Offset, her new husband; gave birth to an unplanned but much loved daughter, Kulture Kiari, in July; then, five months later, after the drip-drip-drip of rumors about Offset’s infidelity, announced on Instagram that the marriage was over.

Today Cardi tells me that Offset has been to her apartment, but they haven’t seen each other and are “not really” talking, which is a bit hard to believe after she shows me videos of her gurgling baby on her iPhone and happens to scroll past a photo of Offset with a time stamp reading today. When I ask her if she’s getting back with Offset, I can almost hear her curious entourage, who have arranged themselves on sofas on the perimeter of the room, lean forward to catch the answer. For a moment, the only sound is Bui engaging in some hard-hat-level sanding and scraping of the star’s three-inch nails. Then Cardi says both, “I don’t think so,” and “Who knows? You never know, you can never tell,” neither of which is exactly a definitive answer.

I’ve interviewed dozens of pop stars, and Cardi, despite the massive entourage and the bear-claw-like nails, seems the most normal. She’s not the most down-to-earth or the most perfect, and she’s definitely not the least into social media, but she knows who she is and where she came from, and has somehow managed to keep expressing genuine emotions in the face of blockbuster success. And while her emotions can sometimes seem out of control, who hasn’t been there? We might not have screamed and thrown a shoe at Nicki Minaj at a Harper’s Bazaar event this past September (in retribution, Cardi has said, for various slights from Minaj, including liking a negative comment about her parenting skills), or allegedly ordered an attack on two female bartenders at a strip club visited by Offset (a judge issued orders of protection in December for the accusers), but we’ve all been mad as hell. And the unbearable cuteness and sexiness of Cardi, a raunchy L.O.L. doll, quickly erases those moments, drowning them in adorable high jinks.  

Leaving aside the fake nails and boob implants, with Cardi the artifice is in the artwork. In the space of less than a year, her music, videos, and fashion have made her a star of Lady Gaga proportions. She releases hit after hit; following last summer’s “I Like It,” the first Latin trap song to rise to number one on the Billboard Hot 100, with “Money,” a song, unsurprisingly, about money. In the video, she wears gorgeous clothes (she’s got “10 different looks and my looks all kill,” she raps), including outfits referencing Thierry Mugler, a gold bikini inspired by 1990s Lil’ Kim’s, and a custom Christian Cowan bodysuit fabricated from dozens of actual watches. She’s a post-Kardashian American superstar, a master of selfies, belfies, late-night Instagram videos, and all other manner of self-promotion— and also a creative genius. In 2019, no one needs to pick.  

Raised in the Bronx, Cardi was the naturally rebellious daughter of a Trinidadian-born cashier mother and a Dominican Republic–born cabdriver father. Her mother was strict. Nevertheless she joined the notorious Bloods gang, moved out of her mother’s home and in with a boyfriend and, finding herself broke, took a job as a cashier at a grocery store. To build a nest egg, she became a stripper. To build a bigger nest egg, she became a hot girl on social media. In 2015, she was cast as a lovable loudmouth on the VH1 reality show Love & Hip Hop: New York, then began releasing her own mixtapes. Her debut single, “Bodak Yellow,” went to the top of the charts, and it took her only one album to achieve escape velocity: Invasion of Privacy, arguably the best debut album from a female rapper since Lil’ Kim’s 1996 Hard Core. 

It’s an intense time for Cardi, now one of the biggest rappers—and one of the most famous women in the world—caring for an infant and dealing with a semi-estranged husband. Her answer is to be as real as she can. As much as she may imagine herself as a princess, she talks about admiring Meghan Markle for becoming a real one. “She must just be like, ‘Who am I?’” Cardi says, referring to Markle’s having to live by the royal family’s rules. Not being able to be herself would be the worst punishment for Cardi. 

Up and down, joy and pain, sunshine and rain—we’ve experienced all her days on her social media channels, where she posts close-up, emotional videos like an Instagram mime. She’s not your typical grasping celebrity, and doesn’t get off on endless adulation. “I work with somebody who gives me compliments all day, and I’m like, ‘Oh, my gosh, can you just stop?’” she says.   

Cardi’s fans have been so protective of her that when Offset broke in to her set at a concert, walking onstage with a $15,000 rolling floral display made of 2,000 roses that read TAKE ME BACK CARDI, they exploded on social media with anger over a man who refused to take a woman’s “no” at face value. (A backstage video showing one of Cardi’s reps escorting Offset to the stage did little to dim the outrage.)  

I ask if any family or friends influenced her decision to leave Offset. “No, I decided on my own,” she declares, looking me straight in the eye. “Nobody makes my decisions about my life but me.” Before they broke up, Offset begged Cardi to see a therapist. “I didn’t want to go to marriage counseling,” she says, in a firm tone of voice. “He suggested it, but it’s like, ‘I don’t want to go.’ There’s no counselor or nothing that could make me change my mind.”

Like many women who’ve experienced heartache and alleged infidelity, she seems caught between wanting to stay and leave. As Elizabeth Gilbert wrote in Eat Pray Love, Offset is “[her] lighthouse and [her] albatross in equal measure.” But Cardi also knows that dating new guys might be bizarre. “I have a kid, and I’m also famous,” she says quietly. “So I can’t just sleep with anybody. People talk. You know, if I date somebody in the industry, that’s another person in the industry. If I date somebody who is not in the industry, he might not understand my lifestyle.” Since the breakup, she’s been getting a ton of messages from guys but ignoring them. “It’s like, ‘Bro, why would you want to holler at me right away? You’re weird.’ If you think Imma automatically hop onto you after a marriage, that just means you think I’m a sleaze. And I’m not. I have a kid—I have to show an example.”

Bui, who has been listening intently to our interview while crafting Cardi’s nails, waves a hand and then interjects, “You’re so old-fashioned!”

“Jenny, just because I’m out there and very sexual doesn’t mean that I have to be whorish,” says Cardi. “I like to have sex. That doesn’t mean I have to have it with everybody.” She pauses, then adds, “Not that I judge women who want to have sex with the world.”

Done with her rant, Cardi turns her attention to her nails. “Damn, that’s sharp,” she says to Bui, whistling a little under her breath. “The polish will make them less sharp, right? Because we can’t forget about the baby.” Ignoring her, Bui says only, “Don’t move.”

Throughout our conversation, Cardi has been jiggling her leg up and down like a schoolkid. I ask her how long she’s had that habit. “Forever, and you know what? People always talk shit about it, but now it’s like, ‘Ha ha,’ because when I do it my daughter likes it,” she says.    

Despite the indelible image of Cardi breast-feeding in the “Money” video, wearing a black gown open at the bodice, she isn’t breast-feeding Kulture, whom she’s nicknamed KK. “It was too hard,” she explains. In fact, she spent most of the time after the baby was born in a haze of postpartum depression. “I thought I was going to avoid it,” Cardi says. “When I gave birth, the doctor told me about postpartum, and I was like, ‘Well, I’m doing good right now, I don’t think that’s going to happen.’ But out of nowhere, the world was heavy on my shoulders.”

Realizing that taking KK with her on the tour bus was unrealistic but unable to bear leaving her at home, Cardi dropped out of a lucrative tour with Bruno Mars. She started feeling better a couple of months after the baby was born, she says, and her mother has been helping out; Cardi hasn’t hired professional help because she isn’t sure she can trust anyone outside her family.

As a new mom, Cardi is still experiencing aches and pains. “For some reason, I still don’t feel like my body’s the same,” she says. “I feel like I don’t have my balance right yet. When it comes to heels, I’m not as good at walking anymore. I feel like I’m holding a weight on me. I don’t know why because I’m skinnier than I’ve ever been. But there’s an energy I haven’t gotten back yet that I had before I was pregnant. It’s just the weirdest thing.”

The baby is starting to help Cardi balance her emotions, though. “Sometimes I’ll see something online and it’ll piss me off, and then my baby will start crying or something, and it’s like, ‘You know what? I’ve got to deal with the milk. Forget this.’” She’s thinking about pulling back a little from social media. “I’ve noticed that every time you respond, you just make things worse, so I’m over it. I’m just over it. I really don’t need it, and sometimes it just brings chaos to my brain.” She adds, “I can stay off social media. I’ve been trying.” For months after KK was born, Cardi didn’t put pictures of her on social media, and certainly didn’t sell any to the tabloids. She says Offset wanted to put a picture up, but she was unsure.  

“As soon as she was born, one month in he was like, ‘She’s so beautiful. Watch how people gonna go crazy.’ ’Cause a lot of people were saying mean stuff, like that we don’t post her because she’s ugly. He was like, ‘I’m about to post my baby right now.’ But then we were very concerned because we were getting a lot of threats, so he said, ‘The world don’t even deserve to see her.’” Eventually Cardi wanted to put a photo up because “it’s really annoying and we don’t have a life. We have to hide her all the time. I can’t go to L.A. or Miami and walk down the beach with my baby. I want to go shopping with my baby. I want to take a stroll with my baby. Sometimes I feel bad for her because all she knows is the house.” But can’t you put on a baseball cap? I ask. Will people still recognize you? “Yeah,” she says. “It’s my nose.” 

Bui applies a final coat of purple paint on Cardi’s nails—a brief discussion ensues about whether the shade is the exact “baby purple” Cardi has requested—and then she talks about needing to get home to go to sleep. “I’ve got a big meeting in the morning in Boston,” Cardi says, nodding slowly. “Lots of money in Boston.” She begins horsing around with her six-year-old half-brother, ribbing him for being rebellious the way she used to be. “He’s a child of the corn!” she wails. “He’s just like me.” (Her half-sister adds, “Like you, sharp but sweet.”) Bui says she thought that when Cardi hit it big, she wouldn’t see her in the salon again. “I told her, ‘You’re going to forget about me,’ ” Bui says. “And she said, ‘Never.’”

[my-emotional-self]

Mistaken Revenge Part 1 of 5 (Chris Evans x Reader)

Pairings: Chris Evans x Reader

Warnings: Swearing, Breakups, Drinking, Sexual Tension

Summary: Your boyfriend broke up with you the same time Chris’ girlfriend broke up with him.  You were acquaintances with him through Scott and one night, Chris got a revenge idea.  The two of you pretend to date to get back at your exes.  Before long, feelings develop right around the time your exes want you back.

Requested  By: @missecharlotte

Locking your car door you marched into the bar, ready to get fucking drunk and forget about this past week. Your boyfriend broke up with you and you were angry beyond belief.  Just last month, the two of you were talking about looking at engagement rings; then he goes and pulls this shit.  “Fucking asshole” you muttered to yourself as you walked into the bar.  

You found Scott sitting at a table with a few of your friends.  “Hey guys” you said as you sat down in an empty chair.  

“You look like shit Y/N” Scott exclaimed when he turned to face you.  

You gave him a glare, shaking your head.  “Thanks Scott.  Appreciate it.”

“Seriously, what happened?” He sounded concerned, which was nice seeing as he was one of your closest friends out here in Los Angeles.

Letting out a frustrated sigh, you looked down at the table, shaking your head.  Lifting your gaze, you looked into Scott’s eyes, trying to hold back the tears.  “Brad dumped me.”

His eyes became wide at your confession; his fists slamming on the table.  “That douchebag!”  he roared in anger as you saw his face turn red.  “I thought you two were getting engaged!”

Shrugging your shoulders, you took a sip of beer that Scott had ordered for you.  “I thought so too.  I mean, that’s what we talked about last month.  Then, out of nowhere, he broke up with me.”

Scott got up from his seat and wrapped his arms around you, rubbing your back in a tender fashion. “Oh honey.  It will be alright.  You’ll find someone better than him” he soothed.  

“I-I know.  It’s just, I thought…I thought he was the one.  My heart is crushed Scott.  I don’t know what to do.”

He sat back down in his chair and took your hands in his.  “Well honey, you get drunk!  What else is there to do?”

An hour later, you had downed three beers and a shot; your head swimming in delight as your body felt free.  You were sitting in your chair, dancing to the music as you sipped on your next beer; Scott sitting next to you.  

“Hey Chris.  ‘Bout time you showed up” you heard Scott say as your heart became to pound in your chest.  Chris was here?  Holy shit. You hadn’t seen him in almost a year. The last time you saw him, the two of you flirted like crazy but you were both in a serious relationship.  “Chris you remember Y/N don’t you?”

Taking a deep breath, you placed a smile on your face as you looked up to see Chris standing right next to you.  His Henley shirt was tight over his torso and arms as he wore a black baseball cap. “Y/N, yeah, hey how have you been?” Chris asked as he sat down next to you.  

“I’ve been, well, better” you explained as you mentally slapped yourself.  All the booze was getting to your head and you spoke without a filter.  You didn’t mean to tell him that; surely he didn’t care about your personal life.  

Chris narrowed his eyes as his eyebrows furrowed; glancing at you with sincerity.  “Well, tell me about it.  What’s happened?”  He actually seemed genuine and your liquid courage was flowing freely throughout your body.  

You decided to give it a go, no matter how drunk you were.  “Brad, my boyfriend, well, ex-boyfriend, just broke up with me” you confessed as you turned your gaze downward.  

“Shit” Chris rasped out as he took a sip of his beer.  

“Yeah shit” you exclaimed with a slight chuckle.  

“Well Y/N, you are not alone.  My girlfriend just broke up with me too.”  Your eyes widened, not believing him.  Who the hell would break up with someone like him?  In your eyes, from what you knew about him, he seemed perfect. Hell, he helped Betty White up the steps at the People’s Choice Awards for crying out loud!  He was such a gentleman and damned if he wasn’t good to look at.  “Wow! I’m sorry Chris.”

“Eh, it wasn’t meant to be I guess.”  His eyes locked onto yours and you couldn’t tear your gaze away.  They were so blue and you were definitely lost at sea looking into them.  You felt your face begin to get hot under his intense gaze but you wouldn’t look away. Chris gave you a soft smirk as he tore his eyes from you.  “You want another beer?” he asked as he finished his.  You nodded, giving him a grin as he got up and went to the bar.  

As Chris was at the bar, getting you another drink you thought back to the last time you had seen him. He was being very flirtatious with you and you definitely did not hold back your own flirtation.  He told you he was in a serious relationship and you said the same; but that didn’t stop the delicate touches towards one another.  By the end of the night, you felt like you had really known him.  Truth be told, you secretly wanted him to kiss you that night but you both stayed true to the relationships you were in.  

Chris came back with two beers in his hands and sat back down.  He handed you your beer as you took a sip.  “So, what else is new in the life of Y/N?”

The two of you talked all night, huddled together in the dark corner of the bar.  It was if there had not been months since the last time you saw each other.  The conversation flowed effortlessly as there was never a dull moment.  

By the end of the night, you were fully drunk and most definitely could not drive home.  “Let me drive you home Y/N” Chris urged as you faltered on your feet.  His hand shot out to grip your arm, steadying you.  

“No Chris, its fine. I can just grab an uber” you replied. You straightened yourself up, grabbing your purse from the table.  

“Please Y/N.  It will make me feel better knowing you got home safe.”

He gave you those damn puppy dog eyes and you could not resist in the least bit.  A smile tugged at your lips as you shook your head; your face blushing.  “If you insist.”

“Oh, I insist” he said with a slight laugh.  After paying your bill, you and Chris headed towards his car where he opened the passenger door for you.  Like you said, a gentleman.  The ride back to your apartment was just like your time spent with him at the bar; non-stop conversation as it easily flowed between you two.  He was charming to say the least and very charismatic.  He made you laugh and gave you butterflies; just like Brad used to.  

When the two of you got to your apartment, Chris persisted about walking you to your door.  As you walked up the stairs, his arm brushed against yours and your body reacted to his in such a way you had never felt before. Tingles shot through to your core and you wanted him so bad; but you thought that was just the alcohol talking.

Making it to your door, you turned to face Chris as your heart raced in your chest.  He looked down at your; a smirk gracing his perfectly plump lips and you wanted nothing more than to nibble on them.  

“So” he broke the silence, placing his hands in his pockets.  “I have an idea I want to run by you.”  Your eyebrows quirked up at his words, wanting to know what he had in mind.

Tag List: @patzammit @missfirstavenger @wildestdreamsrps @miss-cap21 @pumbibaby @potterhead1265 @princess-evans-addict @white-chocolate-mocha-fan @kanupps06 @zohoffman @the-real-kellymonster @remember-that-one-blog @mustbenot @srgntjbarnes @marvelmakeuplover @projectxhappiness @01asianista @libbitinasdeath @hispeculiartreasure @guera31 @ssweet-empowerment

[themispronounced]

Coffee Therapy I

“Hey. Have you been here long?”

She greeted her bestfriend with a smile. They’re never the hug or kiss type of people but instead they fist bump. He arrived an hour after she decided to go to the coffee shop. It’s usually like this for them. She would stroll around the mall alone and would later meet up. She needed her alone time and he understood. For others, it may be an odd pairing. He likes to wear baggy shirts and shorts while she looks... normal. She’s the goody good type while he’s perceive as someone who is the exact opposite. Despite that, they love each other to the core. They’re willing to drop everything just to rescue the other - thankfully, they haven’t been in that kind of situation. She’s kind of worried that she might one day receive a phone call from him asking her to bail him out of jail. Him being in jail is not quite a shock; what’s worrying her was the fact that she may not have the enough money to bail him out. Again, luckily, they haven’t come to that.

“You don’t look shit at all.” He said.

She glared at him. Why did she invite him again? Her original plan was to spend the day alone. Why is this stupid fucker in front of her - mocking her again. “Shut up.”

He giggled. He likes it when she’s being mean; it’s kinda out of her character. “Hey. I’m just saying you look pretty.” He said, defensively.

“That’s because I am.” She said, matter of factly.

He smiled. It’s a good thing my bestfriend is a tough chick, he thought to himself. “I’ll get myself some coffee. Do you want anything?”

“Are you paying?”

“Of course not. You earn 46,143 each month and you expect me to buy you stuff?” Yes, that’s the exact amount she’s earning each month.

And yes, he knows it. He saw the job offer.

No, he wasn’t with her that day.

Yes, she sent a picture of the contract.

Yes, that’s the kind of friendship they have.

She glared at him once more. “Go buy me some garlic bread and get some water please.” She said while producing a 500 peso bill from her wallet.

He marched to the cashier while she checks if there are any available seats outside. Of course, he would want to sit outside so he can smoke.

Once he got his order, they went out.

“You look pretty today...”

“I’m pretty everyday. What are you saying?” She interjected.

Again, he giggled. “Nah. I mean, weren’t you just crying last night?” He leaned forward to take a good look at her. “You don’t look like shit at all.”

“That’s because I didn’t cry last night, stupid.”

“Wasn’t it just last night when I asked why you’re still up and you told me you’re having one of those sad night of yours again?”

She took a sip of her decaffeinated coffee before answering. “No. That was last week. Seriously. Get some sleep.” He’s been pushing himself with work again.

And another giggle. “So how are you? What happened?”

She’s quiet for awhile, processing what words to say to him. But it’s him, she can tell him anything.

She took out her phone, made a few swipes and taps here and there and handed it over to him. “Look.”

“What’s this?”

“Read.”

“Oh.” When he saw the phone he immediately knew what she was trying to say. He just didn’t expect her to open up right away. Usually she would shrug it off first until she’s ready to let it all out. I guess she’s hurting that much and wanted to tell him right away. She needed a place to pour her heart out and he was always the available place to stay in. With that, she’s grateful.

She watched him skim through her phone and not minding if he already browsed everything in it.

With a straight face, he gave the phone back and stared at her for a solid minute. “Now it’s for good?” He asked.

She shrugged.

“That’s what he said. You know I’m easy to talk to.”, she tried saying that with a smile but her eyes are giving her away. It’s apparent that there’s something wrong with her. She’s not her usual cheerful self - but she’s trying.

He nodded, acknowledging her. “How are you feeling then?”

“Light?” She said, not knowing if that’s the right word to describe her current state. “Felt like something was lifted off me.” She continued. It’s true though, the heavy feeling she was having for a couple of days are gone.

“Although I cannot deny that there’s a void in here somehow.” She continued, pointing at her chest. Her bestfriend stared at her. “Mare, this is the closure I’ve been telling you about. The closure that you need as well.” She was pertaining to his situation, the almost same situation she’s in. 

He was trying to comprehend what she was saying. Emotional stuff isn’t his best suit that’s why she’s here - ‘cause between the two of them she’s the emotional one and well... he has some problem in that area. “What was lifted?” He asked, trying to catch up.

With her knowing that he wouldn’t understand, she explained further. “I don’t know. The pain, I guess? It hurts, yes, I don’t have that heavy feeling anymore. Felt like I was released from the agony of waiting for something.”

“And the void? Isn’t it normal to feel that way when someone leaves?” He asked. She stared at him while talking. There’s a lot of things going on inside her head; trying to untangle the thoughts so she can explain it better. “People usually feel uncomfy when they’re empty.”.

“Yes. There’s this void but now it’s just on you. You don’t have to be dependent on anyone anymore. It’s kinda liberating.” She said, realizing that for the first time.

She spent nights trying to figure out why she’s not crying that much anymore. Of course, she’s sad. She feels empty but the tears are nowhere to be found. She cried a little bit yesterday but she expected it to be more than that - much much more than that. Surprisingly, there’s a shortage of tears that night.

Hearing herself say that, it all makes sense now.

She took one bread and realized that there’s more than two pieces here. “Didn’t I tell you to just order two?”

“Oh right. I wanted some too so... you bought me three. Which reminds me, thank you.” He said with that stupid look on his face.

“You’re stupid.” She said.

He flashed that goofy smile while getting one piece for himself too. “But hey,”

She looked up meet his gazed. “What if the person already feels empty? Like he’s already fine with being empty?”

Of course he’s talking about himself; her unbothered bestfriend. “Then maybe you’re just waiting for the person, mare. With me, it’s like he filled a space in me and now that he’s gone... the space that was once his is now empty. You get what I’m saying?”

He stared at her.

“That’s what I’m feeling, you know? There’s this void in me like there’s something missing.

But I think it’s manageable.”

He nodded, somehow getting what she’s trying to say.

“So is it more like you waiting for him to leave you?”

She was a bit taken aback. How did he come to that conclusion? But yes.... he’s right. How can he read through me?, she thought.

With all the events that has transpired between her and this guy, she found herself not wanting to leave. She tried to but interesting enough she never actually brought herself in to actually leaving. She found ways to go back to him every single time. Somehow, she wanted it to work even though she knows it’s a lost cause.

She smiled at her bestfriend, acknowledging the motherfucker who knew her so well. “Well...” she trailed off. “Yeah ‘cause I just can’t do it. I remembered the time when I asked him to block me ‘cause I really can’t stop myself from messaging him.

Now that he’s the one who initiated it then I guess I’m free.” She smiled weakly, trying to let out a chuckle. She is now free, isn’t she?

Well, they were never a couple to begin with but she decided to be available exclusively for him which she never regretted.

After sipping his usual coffee, he smiled at her. Feeling happy and proud at his bestfriend. “At least now you’re not torn anymore! I’m feeling good for you then!” They both laughed.

It felt good to laugh. She has been feeling so down and the bestfriend therapy is exactly what she needed. “I still feel shit though and I still hate you.” She said in between giggles.

“I know but unto the next chapter now right?! It’s what you’ve been looking for all along. I remembered you feeling so torn for a long time now ‘cause you don’t know if you’re gonna regret leaving him or not.”

Of course the motherfucker’s right - again.

“Now, he’s the one who’s going to think that way.” He added. “You’re a fucking safezoner.”

She laughed. “I call that smart play.” She stated, matter of factly. But deep inside her she knows she just can’t do it - leaving him.

“So smart you prolonged your agony.” He said teasing her.

She raised an eyebrow. “At least it’s not on me. I have no regrets and I know in myself that I did everything I can.” She said defensively. She doesn’t even know why she’s being defensive.

He then asked how many drinks she’s had ever since the “breakup” to which she replied with nothing yet because it doesn’t feel heavy at all.

They laughed about nonsense things for the next 30 minutes until they went back to the discussion when she told him she misses sex.

“What if he asked you for a one last fuck? What would you say?”

“Okay, game.” She responded a little too quick, laughing at the idea. It’s not a lie though, she wants to see him one last time.

He cursed her and they laughed again.

She felt like all of her worries was just a smudge. Laughing like this with one of the most important person in her life is the best therapy. She wanted to thank him for accompanying her but they’re not that kind of people. The only time she said she loves him was when she was having a sad night and he was there sending her a picture of them together telling her that she’s not alone. She will never be. That made her cry some more but it’s more because she was so thankful that she has someone like him in her life.

How did I get so lucky?, she thought.

He may be a pain in the ass but he’s her pain in the ass until, well, he finds someone who’s willing to take all of his shit.