#oh also sometimes I think a craving can be for a texture of a food especially for autistic peeps

[shego1142]

I super recommend Colleen Christensen for more info on eating without food rules and eating intuitively!

Her videos are helping me unravel a lot of issues I have struggled with regarding food!

Just the simple act of not shaming yourself for craving and or eating specific foods can be so powerful and beneficial to your life/mental health (which in turn affects all of your health)

"craving a food means your body needs something that food can offer" now what the fuck does my body need with an ice cream

[freebooter4ever]

I've been doing my best to stay up to date on the boots brainfog fatigue lore for a while and I have two things to say. First, I am so glad the antibiotics are working and helping you and you're able to somewhat pause your symptoms. And second, your story is so terrifying I had no idea anything like this could happen and I hope the saga ends soon with you going back to a normal livable life.

Apologies for the slow reply, it took me a while to come to grips with my story being used as a 'lore' example. Legit i sometimes forget that i have a lot more followers than just the ones who talk to me on a regular / semi regular basis. So thank you to anyone who is quietly watching this painful illness play out and rooting for me <3 i hope it ends up being a happy ending, though my depression right now is being a witch and telling me it wont. As i type right now my eyes are doing the '300 times more effort to focus' thing because i ate dinner an hr ago, and im slowly getting used to putting this much work into something as simple as writing but...gosh this is all exhausting.

I didnt know this could happen either, but i cherish all the friends and strangers who have gone through this or are going through this who immediately reached out to support me. I've met one guy in person who was a casual friend until now, but who is becoming one of the few people i can randomly text depressing symptoms to and just know he at least semi understands. He also promised to take me on his motorcycle the minute i get back into a physically stable condition so i at least have a carrot on a stick at the moment.

I have also had a lot of really really enlightening conversations with my grandma who has MS, and she's told me stuff about her own illness that I don't think she ever would have divulged to me if this hadn't happened. And I now almost understand why. I can't tell you how frustrating it is to complain about a symptom and then have a friend or loved one immediately counter with 'oh, i have that!' and then go into detail about how they handle it when their symptom is obviously fleeting and passing and much less intense. Also, there's certain people in my life who i just cant get to understand how this illness is connected to food. Every time their response is 'I'm sorry you feel bad, let me make you something to eat' and i have given up trying to explain, lol.

I think it's also important for me to note that although my blog has seen a lot of this drama that i shared...the WORST parts of it i have not posted because i simply dont know how to process or talk about it yet. And also most of the worst moments happened while with my friend G, and when I'm at their house I tend to not need social media so much.

The funniest part in all this - it took a month for me to become so terrified of food because of the intense pain/reactions after eating, that I don't miss food at all despite my diet being severely limited. I miss peanut butter, although my reaction to peanut butter is not so bad that i can't eat it sometimes (but not daily like i used to). Strangely enough, I don't miss bread at all, except I do miss the easy convenient calories bread provided so I could run/dance/exercise. There is only one thing I have been craving this entire month....this fucker from 85c:

I have dreams about this guy. I vividly remember the taste and texture and how it felt to bite into one. The joy of snacking on one in the California sun under the arroyo trees. I long to be able to eat it again ;_; But with how little food I've been able to eat, I can't afford to waste calories on anything that isn't packed with nutrition so :( no taro bun.

[justsomeoneintoomanyfandoms]

Trigun! Genshin Impact! Mystic Messenger! And Blue Exorsist! Matchups?! Its me again! Its been a while! But dont worry about finding my old post I made a slightly updated one for you!

My Appearance: Im AFAB,  Im around 5’4-5’5 with light skin and short curly very dark brown hair. I have blue eyes that are downturned and hooded and I wear glasses. Im thin with an hourglass figure but flat. I also have keratosis thats moderate on my arms and cheeks but really bad on my legs, chest and lower back. Oh and really veiny hands that are kind of bigger than I’d like them to be. I have a kind of pointy tongue and its longer than average! 

Personality: I'm kind of a people pleaser and I can't stand to hear people fighting as I associate yelling with physical harm and I get really quiet and I try to make myself smaller when I'm being yelled at or around people yelling. I usually have a hard time focusing when people talk to me and I show a lot of signs of adhd. I don't usually talk a lot, unless I'm around someone I trust and I have horrible anxiety when talking to new people. I do really like spending time with people though and I have a soft spot for protective and soft people. I crave physical contact, but I'm very hesitant to actually touch anyone and I get really twitchy when someone stands next to me. I have an anxiety tick where my shoulders will jolt forward if someone I don't know or trust is standing near me. I'm also very attentive and if someone asks for my help I will be by there side as fast as I can. It takes a lot to get me to talk, unless you trigger one of my interests in which case it seems like I won't shut up. I'm a bit of a workaholic as in if I don't have anything to do I will kind of just rearrange my house so I have something to do. I rarely cry when im sad but I cry so much when im mad. 

Interests: I love learning about new cultures, more accurately food! I love baking and cooking and eating! I like learning new languages as well! 

Facts: Im an INFP. My sexuality is unlabeled but I do consider myself on the Aspec and I’ve felt more attraction to men but above gender im mostly attracted to peoples emotional connections and their personalities! I have Food Texture Aversion with mushy foods like yogurt and applesauce. I really don't like yelling or loud noises, unless its music, and bright lights tend to freak me out too, as well as to much physical sensations. Curtain sounds such as towels and paper make me freak out too. I love books and reading! Im an Empath. 

A main thing: My hands/fingers shake and twitch almost constantly. I cannot hold them steady because they very visibly shake so much sometimes people think im faking but I genuinely cannot hold them still.

~💞🍋

Hi Lemons! Long time no see! Thank you for your request! Sorry it took so long. I hope you like your matchups!

In Trigun Stampede, I match you with...

You and Vash are very similar in the sense that you both enjoy being around people and dislike conflict.

Very perceptive so usually he’ll be able to tell when someone’s starting to get too close to you. If he sees your tick starting to act up, he’ll move you closer to himself before moving away from the stranger together.

Please ask him questions about any cultures and languages you want. He’s got tons of knowledge about those sorts of things, both from books and from first hand experience, and he enjoys being able to share those things with people who are interested in it.

Vash loves anything you bake or cook for him. He’d also love to cook with you if you don’t mind having someone else in the kitchen with you.

I think Vash would also enjoy reading with you. He would especially like it if you would read to him but won't force you. He’d also be happy to read to you or read quietly, depending on what you’d prefer.

In Genshin Imapct, I match you with...

Much like Vash, Kazuha is very similar to you in that he likes interacting with people. He especially likes it when he’s able to interact with people when he’s with you.

He also enjoys learning about cultures, foods from different regions, and languages. He finds them fascinating and is very glad you find them interesting as well.

Kazuha’s not a loud or combative person so there’s no need to worry about him raising his voice around you. The last thing he wants is for you to be uncomfortable.

Doesn’t mind that you’re not super talkative. He enjoys the peace and quiet and knows that if anything needs to be said, it can be without getting lost in too much mindless chatter.

Loves reading with you. He would appreciate it if you read something he’s written and give him feedback. Expect him to write about you a lot: you’re his muse and inspiration.

In Mystic Messenger, I match you with...

V definitely falls into the category of soft but protective. You’ll always feel safe with V around and, regardless of whether you think you’re protective or not, V feels safe around you as well.

Knows what it’s like to a workaholic but will do his best to make sure you take regular breaks and never overwork yourself too badly.

Loves any food you make. Due to his poor eyesight, V can’t really cook too much so he’s grateful for anything you make for him.

Will take photos of you if you’re comfortable with that. He loves being able to capture you in moments that will remind him, not only of how you are physically but capture your personality as well.

Will usually keep a hand on your shoulder when in public so he can feel if your tick is acting up. He also likes the reassurance of knowing that you’re together.

In Blue Exorcist, I match you with...

Yukio is a bit different from the others on this list since he’s a lot more closed off with his emotions. However, when he can’t contain it anymore, he can be very expressive.

Out of everyone, Yukio is the most likely to yell at or around you. He gets worked up and bottles up his anger for too long and when he finally unleashes it, anyone can be a target.

He will always be completely apologetic once he calms down though. The last thing he wants to do is make you uncomfortable and he’ll do whatever it takes to gain your trust again.

Enjoys spending time with you in libraries and bookshops. He’s usually studying or reading up on demons so he likes being able to spend time with you while doing one of his favourite things.

You’re both workaholics so you’ll need to help keep each other in line. Take regular breaks together and keep each other honest with the amount of work you’re doing.

[helahades]

The Goddess and the Grocer

(Steve Rogers x Fem!Reader)

Summary: Sappy and hopelessly romantic, the part time art student, part time grocery bagger, and full time fantasy creator Steve Rogers lives in his head, with you as his muse. Making puzzles out of your groceries, and portraits of your every curve and edge, he fears and craves every interaction, while living with you as a lover in his mind.

A/N: Well. I have struggled with motivation for the longest. Something hit me though, and by something I mean other supportive writers and great friends. Hugest shoutout to @threeminutesoflife for being a darling and @imanuglywombat for making TWO beautiful mood boards I stare at more than Steve stares at the Peggy compass.

Warnings: creepy, obsessive Steve. ideation of creepy thoughts. food focused talk. mention of overeating. dub-con concepts. two mentions of alcohol consumption.

New blog, new me! I’ll take this moment to say I’m taking requests, and I love feedback even more than Steve loves you! hope you enjoy

Word Count: about 3k

-

Now rain slicked, the sheen of oil and water twists the reflections of the tonights red, red, green—-“can I make the turn, no too late” on yellow—now red traffic lights into a twisted rainbow on the city streets.

Down those streets, and across a barren parking lot, parents, lovers, businesspeople and more squeak and clack and slap their rainy shoes on the old speckled tile at the entrance (that Steve had just mopped) as they do every week.

At the Potts Grocery Store, nothing ever changes. And never in the night.

It isn’t just night though, it’s dead night. The odd time after things have slowed for sleep, after the rush in between when people bumble in (promising themselves promises they won’t keep about doing the shopping sooner next month), after the ten minute period within which Dr. Banner wordlessly picks up the same array of bland teas.

The night has crawled beyond all the events that happen as they do, and entered the dead night.

Maybe Steve is too poetic—like his dad says he is—too tied up in fate, and hope in life’s mystique, but he holds hope for what happens where the night is dead.

When the night dies, and most are asleep, with it, facades die too. The only people to come in the dead of night, are drunks, doctors, various night shifters, and… you.

He hasn’t yet questioned your reason for showing up so late. Hasn’t really, technically, spoken to you at all, really.

Some part of Steve thinks, maybe if he startles you, says something that clangs too loud or awkward, all your pieces will blow away, like some agitated dandelion, and he will never know you again, if he ever even knew you at all.

No, Steve’s job isn’t to startle you, or to take up your space. It’s to try and meet your eyes as you hand him the reusable bags. It’s to try and figure out what meal you’re planning from what he’s bagging, and what he already knows lies unused in your kitchen. It’s to put the bags in your cart if you’ll let him.

He hasn’t seen you yet. It’s getting late, where are you?

Somewhere between cold fluorescent and neutral warm desk lamps, the lights of the grocery store seem to exist both to chase shadows on tired shoppers' faces, and to mock him, like a candle finally blown out by a stood up date.

Had he done something wrong the last time? If he had, that couldn’t be helped. You were wearing those shorts and looked like you had just gotten ready for bed and you had your hair pulled back, but just a little fell into your face anyway.

And your scent. It always wraps around him like the saccharine spice of pastries when he swings open the bakery door for his morning shift.

The moment you breezed by him after checkout was almost too much to bear. He caught the fresh damp scent of your tied up and deep conditioned hair. You smelled like fresh linens and a life he can only imagine having when he’s chasing orgasms alone and twisting up his sheets.

He could have devoured you.

But he didn’t.

Not even when your shoulder accidentally grazed him while you were rushing out in a frenzy.

“Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry,” came your frantic whisper.

He dreams of making you that delicate again. He thinks he could shape your unsure apologies in his hands like clay, or spread you thin on a canvas when you whisper so soft. But he didn’t do those things at all.

Steve being Steve, he tried to make his large frame slouch, your aura wrapping him up into a double life Clark Kent shyness, despite your gentleness.

He didn’t say a word.

A wordless, mirthless stretch of his lips. An “It’s okay, walk all over me” grin. You regarded him with a flicker of an odd glance, and then you were out the door.

As he finishes up with the last shopper in his lane, his worn Converse squeak as he leans his frame against the bagging station at checkout.

-

Last class, last week, his art teacher dropped a big assignment. Stuffy and sadistic, the man seemed to only eat the pain of lovers kept from expression, so of course, he relished in the moment he told the class to try a new medium, with a subject they hadn’t previously captured.

He seemed to look directly at Steve as he delivered the blow.

Steve's problem certainly isn’t creativity. It isn’t talent or lack of effort. He surely is adaptable, he rarely tells on his love!

For the still life project, he captured the tree that blocks your kitchen window. Heavy strokes in his sketchbook.

He even painted the park in blooms on a paper towel—yes a paper towel—when you justified to a cashier one day that all the crackers and deli meats were for a picnic.

So he has a muse. But he’s not a fool. Sometimes he spends so much time trying not to look like a fool, and paints so much around you instead of you, that it’s a self portrait of his own obsession.

Your face. Your curves. The many separated sections where he tried to master the texture of your hair. All those traces of you live in his sketchbook. Only twice has he turned in a portrait of you.

Being told he can’t have you makes Steve feel like he’s been too obvious. You’re his little secret. And he is no fool. He’ll have to be more careful. So here he is.

The canvas is as bare as the walls of his studio apartment.

Three jobs and a potted plant from his mom just aren’t enough to decorate life. He wishes he could capture sleep in a picture frame and hang it on the wall. When he got too tired and caffeine stopped working, he thinks he’d pick up those frames and absorb the sleep in the way he can absorb nostalgia when looking at a real picture.

Then, he thinks, that’s the sort of thing art majors say when they haven’t slept in three weeks.

The canvas is still bare. It isn’t like Steve. He always knows where to go, what he feels, what he wants.

His teacher told him to try something different. Had the nerve to clap Steve on the back after class and say something about stretching creative wings and finding a new muse.

He thinks the guy should have punched him in the face instead.

There’s nothing stuck about Steve. He knows what he wants and how to get there.

He also knows that schooling ruins the intent of art, he knows how to put love into colors, that art teachers know the least about expression out of everyone on earth, and that he works two night jobs a week to barely afford to be taught by that man anyway.

Life is full of oddities.

-

Some of life’s oddities are right there in your cart as you approach. Steve notices the rain has frizzed your hair, the lovely heart shaped curve of your lips as they stretch into a smile, and the way you yawn before you say hello to the cashier.

He makes a mental note that your hair might have a warmer tinge when illuminated by the sun. You’re already his sun. His stars too. Maybe even his whole universe.

You’re always warm in his paintings. Anything to separate you from the dreadful scheme of this commercial death trap.

What’s for dinner this week?

Your groceries thump onto the counter in practiced succession. Perishables together at the front, and non perishables as neatly as possible following behind.

So thoughtful, my sweet darling.

Your produce today mostly consists of fruit. It reminds Steve of how practiced he is with a knife. How he’d slice up your apples just right for you. He has the practiced skills of an artist. He’d take care of you.

Bucky likes to tell him that cooking is the art and baking is the science. That’s meant to mean that it’s no surprise that Buckys got a perfect little life with a perfect little baker who smiles like the sun and only trusts Bucky in her kitchen.

...And it’s no surprise that Steve’s artsy streak has led him here. Thinking about folding mandarin slices between your perfect lips and letting the flavor explode across your tongue.

He thinks about kissing you. How you would taste tangy and sweet as you try not so hard to push him off so he gets back to cooking and doesn’t burn the house down.

The house. A house with you. A home.

He sees you’re wearing a sundress, and tries not to pity you for the irony. In the closet of some cookie cutter three bedroom, you might ask him how you look in it. He would beg you to wear it just for him a little longer, but ultimately, he would have been able to warn you about the rain.

You wouldn’t have listened though, my stubborn angel.

He thinks about your thighs beneath your dress, and the heat between them.

Sometimes, his dreams betray him, and he steps through the threshold to your shared home, not an artist, but a “Honey, I'm home” suit wearing prisoner.

He fears the simple life, but with you, he believes simplicity could be enough. Maybe he would be rich enough to buy you a million sundresses.

But without his art, he’d be powerless to show you how rich you look, bathed in color, divine from his perspective.

Without his art, he has no outlet for imagination. The only thing that gets him off these days is imagining what you look like under your clothes, and how it might sound if you spoke his name.

When you buy lotion, or a candle, he makes a mental note of the scent, and uses it to color his experience later. You like warm sugary scents, or natural outdoorsy ones, with no in between.

As you small talk with the cashier, your card slips from between your fingers and clatters onto the unswept floor. Finishing a thought, you delay in retrieving it, but by the time you’re leaning down, Steve’s already handing it back.

Eyes flitting up to meet the baggage boy standing up at full height, you melt into an easier smile.

You notice first that his eyes are incredibly blue behind the dark window frames, and second that his hands are incredibly warm as he hands your card back.

Frazzled, and just a bit smitten, you smile kindly.

“Thank you,” you say sweetly, regarding him fully, perhaps for the first time, and pausing only to let your eyes drift to the knitted cotton polo stretched across his broad chest—no, to the name tag resting on it…

“Steve,” you finish with a smile that makes it ring like an exclamation point. To hear you finally pronounce his name… it’s like church bells. But they’re muted because now he can only consider your eyes locked on his.

He’s never wanted to escape somewhere and go home with someone so badly. And would it be so wrong?

He could slice up fruit for you. He could bring sausages and deli meats and blocks of cheeses whole from the market where they slipped him things free. He’d slice them up nice and wrap them in cloth and surprise you with an old fashioned wicker basket picnic in the mountains.

He’d let you eat yourself round. And after you were full, he’d still offer to feed you grapes, to pour you more wine.

Steve never understood why the rich ate bread with olive oil, but God he wanted to be rich enough to give you that. All the things that sound ridiculous to people who work to live. He wanted to work so hard you’d never work again.

He wanted to kiss you dizzy, bunch up the fabric of your dress on your hip and tell you he loves you while you’re wine drunk. He’d carry you back to the car and surprise you with wildflowers in a bunch.

Later, he’d paint you nude with them in your hair, and he’d feed you more grapes.

He would tuck you in and wrap you up for later when you woke up missing him. Maybe he wouldn’t leave at all. Maybe you would want to spend the whole day with him too.

He’s got a twinkle of charm in his eye and just a bit of sadness that looks every bit like the starving artist people believe him to be. Bucky hasn’t stopped bringing him the leftover rolls at closing since he found out Steve spends more money on paint than meals.

And is it so wrong? As Steve looks into your eyes, he musters all that charm his mom said he was born with. He blinks brighter the twinkle in his eye.

“You’re welcome,” comes Steve’s gentle, but sure reply.

You pause at that, because really it’s nothing... But people always seem to say “Don’t worry about it!”, “It’s nothing”, or maybe nothing at all.

You pause at how the reaction seemed genuine, in a world of practiced replies, and on a day that you’re feeling shitty because the rain ruined your hair and happiness.

You smile at him again, grateful for a pocket of truthful kindness, and turn back to the cashier, effectively ending the interaction.

Steve’s mind is spinning in ways he just can’t bring himself to understand. So he bags your groceries. You forgot the reusable bags, he doesn’t pause to wonder why.

Click. Click. Click. Beep!

Tomatoes. He bags them with the apples. Double bags for good measure.

Beep.

Spaghetti. The good kind that most people overlook in favor of a more common brand. New bag.

Beep.

Frozen garlic bread. He adores you. You’ve got garlic and basil and more herbs than you’ll ever need at home. You’d probably make the spaghetti noodles and parmesan yourself if you could. But you love five minutes at 400 garlic bread.

He imagines your pretty little kitchen, with all its various knick knacks, smelling like garlic and tomato sauce. He can’t help thinking you’d be impressed with his chopping skills too. Just how his mom taught him.

He imagines cooking with you in the dead of night, instead of being here. He imagines you bending over with your legs straight and your back curved and the oven mitts on to get garlic bread out of the oven. You put the tray on the cold burners Steve’s not using.

Maybe he would ask you to try the sauce, he’d hold the spoon to your lips after blowing off for you. Your eyes always flutter closed to process the taste of things, and sometimes he swears he could read your mind.

Then they would open. Wide. The same way they did when you tasted the new product double chocolate brownie sample last Tuesday. You would tell him how perfect it is and praise how he finally isn’t shy about using garlic anymore. Turning off the burners, he’d pull you into his arms, he’d kiss you til you saw stars…

-

Walking you backwards, still entangled in the breathless kiss, he wouldn’t stop until you bumped the padded kitchen bench. Then he’d fall to his knees.

“Steve, honey”—

You’d cut yourself off with a breathy moan because he’d already be under your skirt.

Kissing up your thighs, flattening his tongue against you, kissing you gently, before sucking your clit, while working it with the tip of his tongue, he’d show you again, like always, how passionate of a lover he is.

You’d moan like heaven, because you are.

You’d lean back, propping yourself up on an arm and pushing the other hand through his golden hair. You just can’t stop your hips from rolling against his tongue that’s still worshipping you.

He won’t use his fingers. It wouldn’t be proper, he’s just been cooking. So instead, he uses those hands to pull your thighs up onto his shoulders.

Still swirling his tongue around your clit, Steve is drawing you closer, your body seeming to know it’s own ways to pull him to you too.

It’s electric. You can’t stop and you’d never want to. He’d make love to you every single—

-

That’s not where he is though. He grabs the paper bags he’s bagged up with your ingredients and some other oddities, and he places them in the cart you’ve pushed forward.

He tries not to think about the fact that you’re going home alone. He tries not to think about how he’ll be sleeping alone, and in cold colors. Tries to skip forward to later when he has all the time in the world to imagine the way things should be.

A quiet goodnight and you’re on your way. You’re careful not to graze him as you walk away, and he’s careful not to be obvious watching.

The cashier leaves the station, and Steve puts his head down as he passes, before looking up in your direction as he always does.

Except… when he looks up to see your sundress swishing, it isn’t. And you’re turned back looking at him with this funny little look.

You smile. A twinkle of embarrassment, nervous to have been caught looking. He tries not to chuckle for all the irony.

He watches you as you watch him just a bit longer, before your sundress swishes out the door, and the light of your halo fades into the distance, consumed by the rain.

-

By the time his shift is up, the rain has stopped and the sky is colored like a bruise. The sun knocks at a threshold unseen, just slightly feathering light through the sky.

Steve is dead tired, but he won’t sleep a wink. Once he arrives at his apartment, he begins the project.

A mixed medium piece. Acrylic paint, charcoal shadowed details. It’s a wicker basket, full of apples, grapes, and wildflowers.

-

Later, as the sun rises, and the painting is half done, he flops into bed, finishing up a stale roll from the bakery, and dreams about waking up to you.

He pretends there’s no job to be at in three and a half hours, but instead, that it’s a quiet Sunday, and he’s waking up to you in his arms...

Soft and ethereal.

-

Thank you for reading!

Whether or not this is your type of writing, or you liked it at all, I just want to tag some authors who generally inspire me and helped in some way to motivate me posting my first piece: @threeminutesoflife @imanuglywombat @sherrybaby14 @jtargaryen18 @heavenbarnes @tropicalcap @allaboardthereadingrailroad @thotty-tatertot @sapphirescrolls

[ericsonclan]

A Gift From The Heart

Summary: Nurgul goes cloud watching with Oakley and decides to give them a surprise gift.

Word Count: 1756

Read on AO3:

Nurgul was in the midst of nursing her daughter Maria in the courtyard when she felt a light poking at her elbow. She turned round to see Oakley standing there, the same unreadable expression on their face as always. Her friend’s hazel eyes studied her curiously. “Cloud time,”

“Oh, right! I’ll be done here in just a minute then I can meet you at our regular spot, k?”

Oakley nodded in understanding and walked off without another word.

Nurgul glanced down at her baby daughter. “Looks like we’ll have to find someone else for you to spend time with for a while,” She walked into her house, wondering if anyone was at home. Gabe was off working on dock repair, Luka was in school, Santi had a shift at the library… “Javi!” Nurgul smiled brightly at the man as he sat at the kitchen table idly perusing a half-done crossword puzzle. “Maria, your great uncle Javi will be watching over you for the next hour or two,”

“Please, just ‘uncle’ is fine,” Javi quipped, reaching up to take the baby. As Maria was taken from her mother’s arms, she began to cry but soon adjusted as Javi began rocking her and making funny faces to keep the baby entertained. Javi smiled over at Nurgul. “Go on, we got this,”

“Thanks!” With that Nurgul headed out toward the meeting point, her grey knit cardigan swaying behind her as she walked. She and Oakley had a weekly tradition of meeting up atop the library in Haven’s Landing and cloud watching together. It was a way for them to get away from the general hubbub of life and just be for a while. Sometimes Nurgul would lead the conversation and chit chat about this or that and other times the pair would be completely silent, simply enjoying the sight of the clouds and the feeling of the fresh air brushing against their skin.

Taking the stairs, Nurgul headed for the roof, pausing for a moment to wave to Santiago before continuing her climb to the top. The library tended to be quiet and was close to the house: the perfect place for a meet up. As Nurgul approached the top of the stairs she saw that the door to the roof had been left open. Oakley was already up there.

Emerging onto the roof, Nurgul had a quick look around. It was a peaceful day in Haven’s Landing. The river just outside the community flowed peacefully and she could spot Gabe’s beanie as he led a crew in fixing up the docks. Guards on the walls and the ground kept watch for muertos or slinkers as they were called in these parts. Nurgul had heard many names for them but all of the dead were the same. Thankfully the residents of Haven’s Landing kept the resident slinker population in check. There would be no breaches on their watch.

“Found one,” Oakley’s words had Nurgul turning her head to look at her friend who was lying spread eagle on the roof. “It looks like an owl,”

Nurgul walked over and lay down beside her friend to see which cloud they were referring too. “Hmmmm, you mean that one on the right?”

“Yep,”

The pair fell into companionable silence. Nurgul watched the clouds drift slowly through the sky. It was a really good cloud watching day. The clouds were big and puffy, mixtures of shadow and light that looked like any number of things. From time to time she would point one out for a moment, noting that one cloud looked like a bunny or another looked like a pillow. Oakley would simply nod most times, sometimes offering an alternate interpretation of what the cloud was, then they would return to their own private thoughts.

It had gotten to that point where time started to melt and lose its meaning when all of a sudden Oakley’s stomach loudly rumbled. Both of them glanced down at the source of the noise.

“Did you have breakfast today?” Nurgul rooted in her pocket, wondering if she had something in there to offer.

“Had some eggs. Wasn’t too hungry,” Oakley looked down at their hands which were spread across their stomach as though to quiet it. “Wish there was granola,”

“As soon as we have oats again, I’ll make some more with you,” Nurgul promised. Baking with Oakley was always fun, especially granola. Oakley’s eyes lit up for the treat in a way they did for almost nothing else. Unfortunately though there were a lot of ingredients needed to make granola so their instances of baking it were few and far between.

Nurgul looked over at her friend thoughtfully. “In all the years I’ve known you I’ve never asked. Why granola? Why is it your favorite food?”

Oakley shrugged. “Tastes good,” They were silent for some time and Nurgul thought they were done when they suddenly continued. “My dad used to make it,”

She’d never heard Oakley mention their family before. All Nurgul knew was they’d been on their own since age nine. She was hesitant to ask more but curious. “Those are good memories then? Having granola with your family?”

Oakley nodded. “Dad said it was a healthy snack, so he made it every week. We had it for breakfast too. Constance always wanted it sweeter,”

Their older sister. Nurgul had heard her mentioned before. A certain light danced in Oakley’s eyes whenever they mentioned her. Nurgul waited patiently to see if her friend would say any more, but it looked like Oakley was done. Speaking of the past had Nurgul thinking of her own as well. “My mom and I would bake together a lot. Looking back, I guess it was mostly her baking and finding ways for me to help, but I still loved it. We made bowersak pretty often. I used to love watching the dough puff up and go all golden when she put it in the oil,”

Oakley looked over with interest. Nurgul had made the fried dough before in the spring to celebrate Nauryz and they’d quite enjoyed it for its warmth and light crunch.

Nurgul smiled at her friend’s receptiveness. “Would you like me to make bowersak again sometime?”

“Yes,” Oakley turned to look back at the clouds then paused. “Please,”

“I’d be happy to make you some,” Nurgul returned to cloud watching, her thoughts now on food. Bowersak was easy to make: just dough and hot oil. Granola was another story. They’d need oats, honey, seeds, dried fruit, some vanilla bean if they were extra lucky… hopefully the bowersak would in its own small way fulfill Oakley’s craving for something crunchy and sweet. She wished there was more she could do though, a way to bring that same joy to Oakley’s eyes they had whenever remembering the granola of their past. Perhaps…Nurgul began to make a mental checklist. She could do that. She’d make it a surprise though. She loved surprises.

It was a few weeks later when Nurgul found Oakley doing their own cloudgazing in the tiny courtyard that connected their living quarters with the main house. Nurgul walked up slowly, wanting to make sure not to startle them. “Got a minute, Oakley?”

Oakley didn’t respond at first but eventually glanced over Nurgul’s way. “Wanna join?”

“Actually, I have a surprise I wanted to share with you. It’s a gift that I made. Not food,” Nurgul quickly added as Oakley turned their head in interest. “But it is food related,”

Oakley sat up, their expression unreadable. They probably didn’t know what to expect. Nurgul held out a parcel she’d wrapped in butcher paper and decorated with a piece of twine she’d dyed with huckleberries. Oakley accepted to the parcel, shaking it experimentally. The package flopped back and forth in their hands. Pulling the twine, Oakley let the butcher paper fall open and reveal their gift.

It was a black t-shirt, the sort that used to be made back before the world fell apart. Originally it had been blank, but now the front was covered in embroidery. A large granola bar had been embroidered upon the shirt, various shades of brown, yellow and beige used to emulate the texture. It also had the outline of a wrapper along its lower half, the edges of the wrapper a shiny silver as though the granola bar had just been opened and was about to be savored. Across the top, the word “GRANOLA” had been embroidered in all caps using a bright yellow thread.

Nurgul watched her friend’s face attentively, hoping to capture some glimpse of emotions to know what Oakley thought of the gift.

She got more than she had hoped for. Oakley’s eyes were bright with joy, but that wasn’t all. A smile pulled at their lips, something that only appeared once in a blue moon. They held the shirt up, letting the wrapping paper fall to the side, and began to happily rock back and forth, their eyes locked on the embroider shirt. A happy little tone steadily fell from their lips as they cradled the shirt.

“I take it you like it then?” Nurgul asked with a smile. She’d never seen such a strong reaction from Oakley before.

Oakley pulled the shirt over their head, looking down at it in awe. “I’ll wear it forever,”

“Well, I hope you let me wash it from time to time, but besides that you can wear it as much as you want. I wasn’t sure if you’d like it since it’s not actual granola, but it looks like it was a hit!”

“It’s perfect,” Oakley murmured, their fingers tracing the embroidery reverently.

“I’m glad. I wanted to give you something special to help you remember those special times with your family you told me about and just to celebrate you being you, Oakley Emerson,”

“Knox,”

“What was that?”

“You can call me Knox,” The look in Oakley’s eyes had a depth as they held Nurgul’s gaze. It was clear this was something important to them, something secret, perhaps sacred,”

“Knox,” Nurgul nodded, a small smile crossing her lips. “Thank you for telling me,”

Oakley nodded, holding her eyes for a second longer before they turned their attention back to their shirt. They were happy, perhaps happier than Nurgul had ever seen them. That was more than she had ever expected a simple shirt to accomplish. She watched in quiet contentment as Oakley admired the gift, both of them lost in the timelessness of a perfect happy moment.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #340

“wash the poison from off my skin  /  show me how to be whole again”

What is one thing that you took to show and tell as a kid? I have this oddly specific memory of bringing my little Snorlax plushie for one in pre-k. I remember thinking everyone thought I was weird for liking Pokemon as a girl. Do you remember losing your first tooth? I don't. Have you ever been addicted to a game? What game? I think I was addicted to World of Warcraft at a point, but it's honestly hard to tell. My depression was just so abysmal that it was the one thing I got even a smidge of not even joy, but active distraction out of because the options of what you can do in the game are essentially limitless. Are you afraid to pop a balloon? Not really, but it does make me jump because I don't like loud noises. Name one person you’d like to see this month. Bitch we fighting Covid, stay away from me. When was the last time you laughed when you shouldn’t have? I don’t know. Which was better: the first The Lion King or the second? They're nearly tied, honestly, but I prefer the original. Do any of your grandparents have a tattoo? I KNOW my maternal grandmother didn't, and I don't believe any other grandparent did, either. When was the last time you had a bubble bath? Not since I was a kid. What do you usually buy when you go to the corner store? You mean like, a gas station or dollar store? Something small like that? In that case, I'll usually look for a Mountain Dew Voltage sometimes along with something Reese's-related. Do you believe that your pets feel love towards you? My cat, absofuckinglutely. He so obviously loves me. I know my snake doesn't though, considering reptilian brains just physically aren't capable of creating that emotion. She does, however, obviously trust me and definitely seems to enjoy coming out of her terrarium and thus hanging out by me. Bubbles or sidewalk chalk? I loved drawing with chalk, but I like bubbles more. I just love how they catch light and have such beautiful colors to share. What do you use to tell time when your gone out somewhere? My phone. Are you proud of your body? FUCK no. I wish I still was, goddammit. I used to be so fit, and it's funny, because even back then at like, 118 lbs at 5'4'', I thought I was kinda chubby. Like bitch shut the fuck up. Watermelon or cherries? I honestly don't like either, but I'll definitely pick watermelon over cherries. They're disgusting. What is your all-time favourite song? "False Flags" by Massive Attack. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? Biiiiiitch guess lmao. I think everyone has, though. What is the band you’ve listened to most lately? Definitely 3TEETH. Love 'em. Favourite brand of cookies? Hm, good question. They've gotta be good at making SOFT chocolate chip cookies, though. I don't enjoy crunchy cookies nearly as much. If you could meet anyone who lived before your time, who would it be? I don't really know. Oh, y'know, chatting with Edgar Allan Poe would probably be cool. Do you pay for your own things? I literally can't. It's embarrassing. Have you ever been rushed to the hospital in an ambulance? No. What is one thing you’d never want your parents to find out? Certain sexual things I've done, probably. When you were little, did you like Dr. Suess books? Of course. Have you ever felt trapped in a relationship? I felt that way in my friendship with Colleen, but no romantic relationships. What would you consider unforgivable? Rape. Like no, go to hell. Do you like eating out at restaurants? Pre-Covid, yeah. What do you dislike the most about being the gender that you are? Probably how heavily judged women are for having ANYTHING "wrong" with their appearance. You could be five pounds over what is "normal" for your height and you're seen as fat. One strand of body hair, and you're disgusting. Bushy eyebrows, you're now manly. I could go on and on. Do you think that weed/marijuana should be legalized? Yes. Rate your typing speed on a scale from 1 - 10? 10. Do you enjoy tanning? Ugh, no. Just sitting there doing nothing but sweating. Have you ever written anybody an anonymous note? I have not. What is your favorite condiment to go with french fries? Ketchup. Have you ever laid in a hammock? Yeah; we used to have one. It was the best when we lived in the woods. Do you blow dry your hair or do you let it air out? I just let it air dry. Candles or incense? I prefer incense. Can you juggle? No. Your favorite vegetable? Broccoli. Do you catch lizards? No; I don't like terrifying wildlife. I'd much rather just take pictures of the little guys and let them go about their business. If we returned to a world without internet, what aspect of online life would you miss the most? YouTube, haha. It's more unique and personal entertainment than television, imo. Are you craving anything aside from food, and if so, what? I want a new piercinggggg. What was the last change you made to your lifestyle? I'm *trying* to get back into regularly making art, along with reading. I'm also really trying to implement drinking more water into my day. What was the last thing you gave up doing? *shrug* What was the last thing to boost your self-esteem? What sort of things typically make you feel good about yourself? It really, really helped to hear my PHP group enjoy my poem about gay rights so much. I was so terrified and did NOT want my therapist to share it, but it turned out being very beneficial. To answer the second question, it's pretty much stuff like I just mentioned: positive reactions to things I create. When it comes to food, do you prefer crunchy or softer textures? Definitely softer. Do you prefer savory or sweet things for breakfast? Hm. Depends on the day, ig. What is something small that you take extremely personally? I'm blanking. What was going on the last time you couldn’t sleep? I just... couldn't sleep. That's not rare for me. Have you drawn anything recently? I recently drew a picture of a still from Rammstein's "Mutter" music video, and I'm now working on Sara's 'kat Alucard. If you're going somewhere close by, do you walk? No. One simply does not walk in this town and not fear being shot. Do you prefer colorful notebooks over plain ones? I like colorful ones, particularly those with a nice pattern or something on it. What's your most ambitious goal? I'd consider wanting to be a successful freelance photographer to be rather ambitious. Do you know anyone named Alex? Well, knew, by this point. One of my closest online friends that just got a boyfriend and fell off the face of the planet when we used to talk every day. I'm still hurt about it, honestly. What's your favorite kind of pie? I don't like pie because of the crust being so, well... crusty and crumbly. Have you ever chatted someone up and scored a date? No. How far would you go with someone you just met? Not very far at all. All you're getting is a hug, if even that. What's your favorite meal to have for dinner? I mean, it depends on what I feel like having. I don't have a set favorite meal. What do you daydream about? The future, mostly. People I miss. Have you ever known someone online and then met them in person? If so, which website did you meet on? Yes, Sara. <3 We met via YouTube back when it had much more social connection. Have you ever been to the beach? Yeah, a good number of times. When was the last time you were sick and what illness did you have? I don't believe I've been ill in any sort of way since I had that ungodly ear infection a few years ago. Have you ever been kicked out of somewhere? Yeah, Colleen's house. Mom once tried kicking me out of the car one night otw home, but I didn't listen. Have you ever intentionally trolled? No. How many siblings do your parents have? Mom has two brothers and I think one sister, and Dad has one sister. Who last held your hand? My niece or nephew, dragging me somewhere, haha. Have you seen all the Lord of the Rings movies? No, not interested. What was the last thing you watched on YouTube? I'm watching John Wolfe's playthrough of Amnesia: A Machine for Pigs. It's so funny how like... every let's player I watch doesn't enjoy the game, like they miss the incredible symbolism and shy away from the advanced language, and sometimes it's just frustrating to watch them; I only do because I enjoy the game and want to see more people experience it and relive it vicariously. It's very high on my list of favorite games. What sport do you find yourself best at? I wouldn't know; I haven't played any sports in years. I was pretty good at softball as a kid, though. Do you think makeup on guys is freaky or sexy? My opinion shouldn't matter; a man can wear makeup whenever he damn well pleases without worrying what others think. But anyway, I tend to find it attractive, especially if it's goth makeup. Have you ever been accused of a crime you did not commit? No. Do you like pickles? I love dill pickles. What was the craziest moment of your life? Probably just lying in that hospital bed following my OD, my mom and two best friends just sitting there with me. It was such a weird, weird feeling. Like I was just so done, frustrated beyond what I can say. I remember thinking it was almost funny, just how it all built up and went wrong. Where do you spend most of your time? In my room on my bed. What is your favorite muffin? Chocolate chip. Would you ever get a boob job? I already know when/if I lose the weight I want to, it will be kind of a big deal to me and my atrocious body image to get a breast lift. Being overweight ~does things~ you know, and god knows I want every trace of it that can be erased gone. Would you ever go on a reality TV dating show? That's a massive "no" from me, buddy. Would you rather be inside or outside? It depends on where I am and the temperature outside, but generally, inside. Do you like the current president? Well, I voted for him, so I can't shit-talk much. I don't know the true depths of him as a person and all he stands for, though; when I decided I needed to vote, I just did some research on his core values. I don't have any complaints yet, from what I've seen at least, which isn't a lot. Do you whiten your teeth? I've used whitening strips before, but I don't now because they're not that effective. If it's financially plausible at some point in my life, teeth whitening is another thing I want to have medically done because of my previous horrible self-care. My teeth have a clear yellow tint and I hate it. Do you get cold easily? No; it's actually the opposite: I get hot easily. What was the worst sickness you ever had? Probably this one stomach bug I had where I just threw up relentlessly. Like eventually barely even bile would come up; it was just dry heaving. My stomach muscles were in agony. Was your childhood wasted by something? No, thankfully. Would you rather die during an adventure or die like a normal person? A normal person. The idea of having such a sudden death stresses me out for multiple reasons; I mostly don't want my family to just be suddenly devastated, and I honestly want to come to peace with the fact I was dying. Like, find my life's own closure instead of just having it ripped away. Have your parents ever tried to commit suicide? Jesus, I sure hope not. Do you have a gag reflex? A very strong one. Do you ever fantasize about trying drugs? I've wondered before what the effects of weed would be like for me, but "fantasize" is definitely the wrong word. Would you rather have sex before you’re married or wait till marriage? It'd be up to my partner, honestly, because I'm fine with either. What is the nastiest dare you have ever committed? I never did dares because I thought they were stupid. Like I'm not gonna do dumb shit just to show you I can. Do you know anyone who has been raped? I think I might? Have you ever asked someone for a tampon? Yeah. Do you have any exes you can’t stand anymore? No. Are you more of a phone or a computer person? Computer. Do you prefer headphones or earbuds? Earbuds. Headphones are just big and clunky and in the way when you use a laptop in bed, plus they irritate my skin. I like how earbuds actually go in your ears for more direct hearing. Would you ever consider adopting a child with a severe mental illness? If I wanted children, no, because I don't think I'm capable to give a child like that adequate care, being so mentally ill myself. I wouldn't want to risk worsening their condition. Favorite thing to do with a significant other? Play games together, particularly cute multiplayer ones that are more about the experience of playing together versus getting past difficult obstacles and such. Like for example, one of my favorite memories with Jason is simply playing Little Big Planet together. Favorite ice cream topping? I don't like many toppings on my ice cream, but I do love melted hot fudge. First boyfriend/girlfriend’s name? Aaron. Do you support PETA? Considering they are incredibly self-righteous extremists, no. Do you believe in the Big Bang Theory? Well, I believe in some sort of "god" figure that created the universe, so I don't think so. A condensed ball of nothing exploding to create something so extravagant? It sounds pretty far-fetched to me. But then again, maybe that semblance of a "god" I believe in created the universe through that, idk. It doesn't really matter now, though, does it. What happened happened, I'm not very concerned with it. What insect can you not stand the site of? It's more so larvae that I can't stand the sight of, like maggots and stuff. They make me squirm. Do you like Doctor Who? I've only seen one or two episodes, so I can't say. Do you approve of gay marriage? Of course I do. I'm bisexual and would like to get married, so I might marry a woman. Are you into politics? I'm really not. Do you think the world is ending soon? Nah, even though it sure does feel like it sometimes. Ever been to a mosh pit? No, they don't seem very fun at all. Do you like to debate? NO. NO NO NO. Do you like the band System of a Down? Yeah, I do. Are you German? It's a big part of my heritage. Do your parents like your best friend? Yes. Who’s someone you can act your complete self around? Sara, 100%. She's the only person I feel entirely comfortable around when it comes to being myself. Do you believe in Friday the 13th? I don't believe in there being any supernatural power to it, no. Who is your favorite rapper? Eminem. What age is your youngest aunt? Uhhhh I have no idea. Do you like bowling? Sure, it's fun. Do you like roasting marshmallows on a bonfire? I do. What shows or characters scared you as a child? Ghostface from the Scream series was my worst fucking nightmare. I couldn't even see pictures of him without crying. The King Ramses guy from Courage the Cowardly Dog also gave me a number of nightmares. Something about the way he was animated was very unnatural and unnerving to me.

[infinite-hearts-333]

Broken pack, Broken wolf

Sander sides, Analogical (Eventually), Logan Angst, Werewolf AU

WARNING: really bad writing, angsty, lack of sleep and starvation, swearing I'll add to this

Before

Part 2- Purpose, and... family?

Logan never left his room. Well, that's what the sides believed. Truthfully, every second night, he snuck out of his room in the middle of the night to steal snacks from the kitchen- well, once he found it. It was hard to sleep without the comforting weight of his pack around him, so Logan read and fingered out what his purpose was here until he passed out from exhaustion. Which... wasn't healthy... but he couldn't help it.

Moving on, his purpose. Apparently, he was inside a human's head- in the form of a figment of the male's imagination also known as one of his 'sides'. Logan, was the male's- also known as Thomas- Logical side. There are other sides as well, Morality and Creativity, the ones he met when he first manifested, and others as well, known as Deceit and Paranoia.

Logan, once informed on where the hell he was, began to work. How he knew what to do- he had no clue whatsoever. He just sat, and suddenly, he was typing and writing and planning, it helped to pass the time, distracting him from the hole in his heart that craved touch from his pack.

Logan stayed in his room, never coming out to interact with any of the sides. Even when Creativity lost stability and split in two, Logan remained seated in his room, the only change in routine was that he stayed in the den, curled up to hide from the scream as a side split in two.

Days turned to weeks, then to months, then years. Life became a sick pattern, wake up (sometimes he was already awake), eat any leftovers, work until he was exhausted and crawl back into his den. Some nights, Logan would cry himself to sleep, unable to remove the last image before his death- Jackson's horrified face, maw opened in a shout. 'LOGAN!'

The bags under his eyes became darker and darker, for Logan couldn't sleep without his pack, and the couple of hours of sleep he got from collapsing from exhaustion were cut short from Logan awakening, screaming and crying from night terrors.

Eventually, Logan came to the facts that crying was going to do nothing. His pack would move on, not knowing he was alive. .....could this even be counted as being alive? So he got rid of it all. All of his emotions, he repressed them, ignored them, hid them, and focused on his work instead.

And soon enough, Logan could hold a straight face from dawn till dusk. Only then, did he go outside in the day. He walked to the cupboard that he had never touched, swinging the door open and studied the clothes inside.

He got unchanged, dressed, and brushed his hair carefully, folding his ears down until they vanished against his will. Two flicks of his tail, and his tail vanished as well. A unicorn onesie sat in his cupboard, and he stared at it for a few minutes and then tossed it into the den. Removing his glasses, Logan smeared foundation under his eyes to hide the bags, before placing his glasses back on.

He inhaled, clutching the key hanging around his neck, and then unlocked the door for the first time, and stepped outside into the hallway.

Logan hadn't expected a welcome, more of a... threat for near-attacking Morality when they first met. But, instead when he walked into the kitchen he got a happy, cheerful: "Oh, hi!! You came out of your room!"

Was this guy serious? Or did he have some form of brain damage or memory issue? "Um... yes?" Logan said slowly, unsure. Morality giggled softly, beaming up at him. "Sorry if i scared you when we first met, i'm a little too affectionate sometimes. I moved a little too quickly for your liking right?" Logan blinked, once, twice before mentally screaming at himself to talk. "Oh.. um, yer. I'm also sorry." he shuffled a little on the spot.

"It's okay, you were scared!" The bubbly side chirped, turning back to cooking pancakes. Logan blinked again. He just dropped it? Just like that? Wasn't he mad? "Your.... Your not mad?" He asked quietly. Morality quickly turned, a horrified look on his face. "God no! Why would I? You were scared, and I got too close. And you didn't harm me, only knocked me over."

Logan frowned slightly, filing the info away for later. Empero and Jackson warned the other pack mates of the dangers of being near and interacting with humans, how they are selfish, self absorbed beings that only care about themselves. Empero's birth pack had been genetically changed, forced through artificial selection so the humans could take the strongest pups and use them to hunt and as weapons. Jackson was born domestic, and submission was beaten into him, causing the loss of his front left leg.

Logan expected to at least be yelled at. Well, he did look human, maybe they were kinder to their own species. Who knows, maybe humans have packs of their own. A bolt of hope rocketed through logan. Maybe... just maybe... he would be able to be part of a pack again. The idea of being rid of the horrid pain in his heart made Logan want to curl up on the floor and cry from relief.

"HELLO PADRE AND SMALL NERD~!" someone yelled from behind Logan, spooking him. Logan whipped around, and without thinking decked the man in the face. Morality yelped, and the man- who looked absolutely ridiculous in a pristine white prince outfit- stubbled back, blinking rapidly. Logan froze, eyes wide. Shit.

Prince-boy as Logan decided to dub him, stared right at Logan, before a massive grin broke out on his face as he stood upright and rubbed his jaw. "Nice to know i'm not the only one who knows how to throw a punch! Chill nerd, i ain't gonna attack you." Logan was in a near crouch position, prepared to bolt or attack, but semi-relaxed after prince-boy's words. Humans were truly strange.... "It's: i'm not going to attack you." Logan corrected, narrowing his eyes slightly as he lowered his guard.

Prince-boy scoffed, and rolled his eyes. "Whatever, name's Roman, what's yours?" Prince-bo- no, Roman, asked holding a hand out to shake. Logan flinched at the sudden movement, and slowly took the hand with a firm grip, shaking it before releasing. "Logan..." Logan said in a soft voice. "And i'm patton, but you can call me dad!" Chirped Morali- Patton, beaming as he flipped a pancake.

Roman snickered, and Logan raised an eyebrow studying over both of the sides that he would be living with for the rest of Thomas's lives. Roman bounded over to patton, leaning against the other affectionately as he peeked over Patton's shoulders to look at the pancakes. "Looks good patty-cake!" Roman said with a smile. Logan watched, heart throbbing with the want to be apart of that, to be held and hugged and be back with his pack-

No. That life, it was over. He couldn't have that any more. Instead, Logan trotted around and sat at the bench, lifting one hand and flicked his wrist to summon a book he had been reading. He ran his tongue over his teeth as he opened to the book-marked page, and began reading. He read in peace for a while, until the smell of pancakes and freshly melted butter increased causing his stomach to growl in demand of food for being so neglected.

"Here you are kiddo!!! I hope you like pancakes, I was in a bit of a baking mood!" Patton giggled, beaming that unnaturally bright smile and it took all of Logan's willpower not to shy away. Logan's gaze dropped, down to the neat stack of pancakes with butter, jam and syrup, causing him to salivate. "This.... This is mine?" He asked softly, tilting his head. "Of course!" Patton said, pushing a plate to roman who had seated next to him. "I wouldn't give it to you if it wasn't!!" Logan paused, swallowing, and then carefully reached out and pulled the plate closer.

He watched Patton and Roman carefully, and he cut off a piece, quickly sniffing it before sticking it in his mouth. Roman wasn't paying any attention to the werewolf, shoving the pancakes into his mouth happily, relishing the sweet taste. Patton was half watching, not enough to pick up on Logan's cautious behaviour, but enough to know they were eating.

Logan slightly melted. It was delicious, the light and fluffy pancakes seeming to melt in his mouth, and the jam proved the perfect amount of sweetness. Logan was starving from his bad diet and couldn't help but shove more food into his mouth, stuffing himself silly. The back of his mind warned him that if he continued he was most likely going to be horrible sick, and have the worst of stomachaches, but he was too hungry to care.

"Woah! Easy there kiddo, you'll give yourself a stomach ache! The food isn't going anywhere!" Patton joked. Logan forced himself to go slower, out of the want for the others not to know about his... lack of self care, but also out of a primal fear that they may take it away if he didn't slow down. He slowly chewed his food, focusing on the texture and taste to distract himself.

Soon enough all of Logan's food had vanished, and he already felt a little sick. He scooped up his plate, wandering into the kitchen, washed it, put it away and went to turn to leave before twisting his head over his shoulder to look at the others. Roman was chattering on about something, and Patton had just turned his attention to Logan. "Were you going kiddo?" He asked, tilting his head. "Back to my room, I have a lot of work I need to attend to." Logan answered simply.

"Oh... okay then! We'll see you again right? Maybe tonight or tomorrow?" Patton asked, sounding a little disappointed that the new side didn't want to stay longer. "Maybe." Logan said, and turned disappearing down the halls. When Logan got back to his room, he definitely regretted eating so much, for his gag reflex kicked in and Logan rushed to the bin near his desk and threw up half of his breakfast. Acid and bile mixed together horribly in his mouth, leaving him gagging even more as tears formed in his eyes. He whined softly, causing more pain to form in his throat as his ears and tail appeared, ears flat and tail tucked in between his legs.

'Eat less next time.' he thought bitterly to himself, summoning a glass of water, chugging the whole thing and then crawled into the den, curling up into a tight ball leaving Logan to wander in and out of light uneasy sleep for the rest of the day. So much for 'work he had to attend to.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next

[samisweetbean]

SEOUL FOOD #1 - My Top 10 Must-Try Korean Foods

#1 - Korean Fried Chicken 한국 치킨

(AKA the only good KFC)

You may be thinking, what’s so special about fried chicken? WELL. You’ve never had Korean fried chicken. Imagine the crunchiest, tenderest, most flavorful fried chicken you’ve ever had-- then times it by 100. That is what Korean fried chicken is like. Soft, juicy, tender on the inside. Crunchy, flavorful, and not overly greasy on the outside. 

In addition, there are so many delicious flavors to try! Honey, garlic, soy sauce, spicy, yangnyeom, and more. All of them wonderful and paired perfectly with some mekju 맥주 (chimek 치맥) or, for non beer drinkers like me, some cola (chicole 치콜). 

It’s the perfect food whether you’re having a late night out with some friends, going for a picnic, or ordering takeout to your room at 2am (Hey, we’ve all been there). 

#2 - Korean BBQ 

Okay, so I love Korean BBQ. The above photo was taken on my birthday at a very popular Korean BBQ place in Chicago’s Chinatown. It wasn’t the best I’d ever had, but it was still great. That’s one thing I really love about Korean BBQ: I’ve never been disappointed by it. It’s always good. 

It’s a really fun dinner to get with a large group of friends or for a celebration. There’s something so special about making delicious food and sharing it with friends. Korean BBQ is a great example of the communal nature that a lot of Korean food has. Eating is something that’s meant to be done together. I love that cultural aspect of getting Korean BBQ.

That, and the food itself is so. freaking. good. Samgyeopsal 삼겹살 , bulgogi 불고기 , marinated or no-- it’s all delicious. Plus you get pretty much unlimited banchan 반찬 (side dishes). You can also order soups, pajeon, dumplings, etc and stuff your face as much as your heart desires (and budget allows, it can unfortunately get pretty pricey).  Oh, and don’t forget the soju! 건배! 🥂

#3 - Budaejiggae (Army Stew) 부대찌개

Buddaejjiggae is a spicy, hot-pot style soup made with ingredients like hot dogs, spam, sausages, and sliced cheese brought over by American soldiers during the Korean war, combined with Korean ingredients like kimchi, spicy peppers, ramyeon, tteok, and more. Originally it was a cheap food, made with surplus foods found on American army bases in Korea. Now, however, it is a delicious dish that can be found in restaurants all over Korea. 

What I love about this dish is how comforting it is. It’s the perfect food for a rainy day. I can just picture it: sitting around a table with some friends, talking, laughing. Through the steamed up restaurant windows we can see the rain outside, dripping umbrellas rest in a stand by the door. The hot, spicy soup warms us up from the inside out. 

Ah, I miss Korea.

#4 - Soon Too Boo Jiggae 순두부찌개  

Another soup perfect for a rainy day. Soft Tofu Soup. Spicy, salty, and so filling. This is my personal favorite Korean food; no matter how many times I eat it I never get tired of it. 

It’s also pretty easy to find at Korean restaurants here in the States. If I’m ever craving Korean food, this is usually my go-to. 

#5 - Naengmyeon 냉면

Cold noodles. Wait, what? I know, it probably sounds weird, but this is a food I quickly fell in love with in Korea. Buckwheat noodles served in an icy beef broth, topped with cucumber and other chopped veggies. My favorite kind also comes with a spicy sauce. Spicy, cold noodles. Weird, but amazing. 

It’s the perfect food for a hot day. Now that it’s summer (and constantly hot) here in Chicago, I’ve found myself craving these noodles a lot. They’re just so unbelievably refreshing. 

#6 - Tteokkbokki 떡볶이

Spicy Rice Cakes. For lovers of street food and spicy food, this is one you can’t miss. The texture may be a little off-putting if you’re not used to it; it’s a similar gummy texture to mochi. 

You can often find this in street stalls or kimbap shops (the kind that sells everything). If you go to a restaurant that only sells tteokkbokki, they usually have non-spicy options. I once ate one that had a tomato based sauce and mozzarella cheese-- almost like pasta.  

#7 - Pajeon 파전  

Okay, I’m going to lump two things into this category, despite them being pretty different. Pajeon is a savory pancake, and the two most common ones are kimchi and haemul (seafood). Both are delicious-- a little greasy but very flavorful.

Kimchi pajeon 김치파전 and haemul pajeon 해물파전 are often served with makgeolli 막걸리, a Korean rice wine served in bowls. I’ll be honest, I’m not the biggest makgeolli fan; it makes me bloated and the taste isn’t my favorite. However, I love pajeon enough that I would go to a makgeolli place just for that. That is how good pajeon is. 

(Also, even though it’s not my favorite, makgeolli is a must-try drink in Korea.)

#8 - Jjin Mandu 찐만두 

Steamed dumplings. I have a special place in my heart for dumplings, of all kinds. Korean steamed dumplings in particular are one of my all time favorites. 

While I was in Korea-- and low on cash-- I would often get 5 steamed dumplings for dinner for around $5 USD. They were giant and came with free rice, kimchi, pickled radish, and some other banchan. A perfect cheap meal: delicious, comforting, and not that unhealthy. 

#9 - Dak-galbi 닭갈비

Spicy stir fried chicken. This is another one of my favorite cook-in-front-of-you, meant-to-be-shared Korean dishes. Marinated diced chicken served in a spicy, gochujang-based sauce with other ingredients such as tteok, cabbage, scallions, ramyeon, and sometimes topped with melted cheese. 

You can usually get it in varying levels of spicy. If you choose to go the extra-spicy route, beware. You’ll need the cheese. 

#10 - Samgyetang 삼계탕

This is one of the most unique foods I had in Korea, because it has a whole chicken in it. Yes, you read that right. A whole chicken. 

Samgyetang is a chicken and ginseng soup. It’s traditionally eaten in summer and supposed to be really healthy and good for your body. I’ve only eaten it once; I ordered a half size and it was still so filling I could barely finish it. 

Compared with other Korean foods, the flavor of this soup is very mild. It isn’t spicy, or salty, or sweet. You get to really taste the chicken, ginseng, and other ingredients like garlic and jujube. 

It’s a very unique Korean food, so I had to put it on this list. 

That’s it-- my top 10 Korean foods I think everyone needs to try! Of course, there are many other Korean foods that I love. This was really fun to make, I hope to make some more posts like this in the future. In the meantime, I think I need to make a trip to my local Korean grocery store for some kimbap haha

Thanks for reading! :)

[brightmalcolm]

I feel like Malcolm has conditioned himself to react better when it comes to high sensory environments but he’s always carrying ear plugs with him. I think he’d have a texture issue when it came to foods (ie why certain foods made him sick). I put the tidbit about Martin using his autism for his own gain bc he knew Malcolm hyperfixates and used this opportunity to cram his knowledge into him. He was easier to manipulate bc Martin never made him feel ashamed for his diagnosis like Jessica did.

Oh yes, it’s kind of something he’s used to at this point bc he’s job is basically nothing BUT high sensory environments but it can still sometimes take more out of him (in the pilot you actually see him have the harshest reaction to the gun shot in Nico’s apartment) so the ear plugs are good for more like at the precinct stuff when he’s just trying to focus on his own work. Also that was honestly my first reaction to him saying that thing about food??? It was probably just me immediately Projecting but my first thought was he was talking about food textures and not like just his stomach sjsbshajjass. He does kind of have canon same foods now since we know about the licorice which is still very random but hey good for him! And first of all, thank you for the reminder to reread your fic for the 8th time, second of all I hate it but also it’s something he would absolutely do, especially since Malcolm would be craving acceptance and understanding even more.

[basaltbutch]

My friends and I were talking about foods we wanted to try and since my bucket list is filled with things I want to eat that most people don’t eat, I figure I should start a list + my thoughts on it. (Disclaimer; by “weird” I mostly mean. Not eaten by Americans.)

Here is everything weird I’ve ever eaten. That I can remember. I’ll probably update this as time goes on.

Animal Food

Cat food. Both wet and dry. I was like eleven and unsupervised and I wanted to conduct ~science~. Anyway, dry cat food tastes like cardboard and wet cat food tastes more like... modified tuna? I can’t remember which kind I tried but it was the fancy stuff. Dried; 4/10 would eat it if I absolutely had to. Wet; 8/10. Wasn’t all that bad, and I like tuna so.

Dog food. This was more recent because someone dared me to. Dry dog food also tastes like cardboard, but staler and crunchier. Didn’t try the wet stuff bc we didn’t have any but I also tried our dog treats, which were also stale and weird. 3/10 for both.

Hamster treats. Was hanging out at my friend’s house and he had a hamster so I tried one of the treats. Pretty much just yogurt drops. 10/10 considered buying a package of my own to snack on but they’re super expensive.

Meat

Ostrich. This was around the time that I realized my life calling was to eat as many weird things as I could. My aunt & cousins owned ostriches but decided they didn’t want them anymore so.... ostrich burgers it was. It was actually really good, similar to beef surprisingly but much more flavorful. 10/10 I dream about that burger sometimes.

Alligator. We were in a restaurant in Virginia and they had alligator chili so I decided to get some. Was also similar to beef, but much chewier, and tasted slightly different. 8/10 would eat again but it was really chewy.

Pork rinds; It’s pork skin roasted to sort of make a crunchy snack? Apparently it’s pretty popular in the Philippines, and they’re my Lolo’s favorite snack. I don’t know, I sort of like them? I’d probably warm up to it after a few more tries. 6.5/10, would eat it as a snack and sometimes I crave it.

Seafood

Escargot. Idk why some people don’t like it? Had mine cooked with garlic butter and I ate an entire appetizer by myself. 9/10, points taken off bc I ate too many and got sick.

Scallops; holy shit y’all I love scallops so much now. There’s this one restaurant that sears them in brown butter and it’s absolutely heavenly. I’ve gotten them three times now and I’ll do it again. 15/10.

Lobster/crab. Idk if these count because it’s sort of popular where we live? Anyway I managed to eat an entire crab all by myself. It took me nearly an hour because I had to deconstruct it myself but man was it good.

Fruits

Jackfruit; My culinary teacher brought some raw stuff in and I tried it. It was... interesting? I could maybe only eat a couple of bites before it just got to be too much and I had to toss the rest. Something about the taste and texture was just off to me. 2/10, I’d eat it if there was nothing else and I was literally starving. Maybe the cooked stuff is better.

Loquats; also don’t know if these quite count because they’re literally everywhere around here? But almost no one I meet knows what they are or that they’re edible. I used to have some friends who had a loquat tree in their backyard and we’d climb it and eat loquats all day long. They’re like a cross between a peach, a plum, and a pear. 9/10 I still nab some from neighbors sometime and eat them.

Rambutan; I have a vague recollection of pestering my mom into getting one to try? At least, I think it was this fruit, might have to try it again just to check. Not gonna rate it because I want to retry it but I think it was slightly too sweet for my tastes.

Veggies

Yucca; OH MAN. THERE IS A REASON I PRACTICALLY WORSHIP YUCCA. My parents brought back some yucca root from a restaurant they tried out and uh. Wow. It’s sort of similar to potatoes? But so, so much better. Earthier. More flavorful. Slightly more filling too. 11/10.

Prepared Foods

Ube cake. Oh man, this stuff is so. Good. Every time my Lola takes me shopping I usually manage to convince her to get some. It’s sweet, but not too sweet, and one of the main reasons I’d like to try growing ube myself. 9/10 sometimes I eat way too much and get sick of it.

Honey butter chips. Look, I was really into Mystic Messenger when it came out so I spent twenty dollars on an authentic bag from South Korea. Honestly? I think they’re my favorite flavor of chips. They start out sweet but slowly morph into savory. 11/10 you bet I’m spending my first paycheck on another box.

Currently on my to-try list; Rabbit, guinea pig, crickets, worms, scorpions, tarantula, balut, century egg, frog legs, duck, lychee, durian, snake, fried maggots. Will add more as I think of them. I probably won’t eat stuff that’s actually considered dangerous though, or that’s cruel. Uh, and that maggot cheese is definitely off the table.

[kakusboyfriend]

Sdr2 boys with an autistic s/o!

Okay so I'm autistic and the lack of autistic s/o prompts out there is making me Dry inside. Lets get this bread

Also please forgive me if I write any of them wrong! I'm still learning about all of these dudes

Disclaimer! Shsl Imposter/Twogami's gender is not specified and they're referred to with they/them! It wouldn't make me comfortable to put them on this list :^)

Hajime Hinata

As soon as he learns you're autistic he does a lot of research on what autism is like for autistic people, how to help you with sensory overload, etc etc

Always asking you if what he's doing is okay! Is this too much noise? Is the texture bad? Do you not like the lights?

Absolutely not bothered when you go nonverbal; he's more than pleased to have a little bit of silence if we're being honest. He can't read sl well so he'll give you something to write on if you want to!

He loves seeing you happy stim!!! It brings such a warm smile to his face — Hajime just adores when you're happy altogether but seeing you stim makes his heart go !

He's not very good at social situations to begin with so if you want to stay at home and watch your favorite comfort cartoon/movie, he doesn't mind it!

Do you want him to put his leg on you for pressure? Hug you a bit tighter? Let you hang around gripping his arm? Mess with his hair? He's all mushy and soft about this skdnsksnj! He knows you're opening yourself to seek him as a source of comfort and it melts his heart sm

Nagito Komaeda

Oh this boy. Due to his dementia he actually relates to what you experience in social situations a lot — no, I'm not comparing this to a lethal disease. The symptoms, however, are similar to the characteristics in autistic people! So he relates to you but won't say its the same thing at all

His hair is sensory heaven. Literally, it's so fluffy! Pet it please. He craves physical affection to begin with, so it's a plus for him! He also loves seeing how much you're infatuated with his hair alone

Buys you anything that you think might be good to stim with! He helps you keep everything clean and organised so you don't get stressed over losing them, and makes sure he has at least one with him when you two go out, he would hate seeing you stressed.

If you go nonverbal he also has no problem with it at all! He knows sl and is definitively up to teach it to you if you think it would be helpful, too. If you just want to be quiet, he can be just as good of a company!

When he says stuff like threats to himself (wanting to die, killing himself) and you get worried because read him too seriously he backs off of it and says its not serious (and he's sincere this time) because you're the brightest spotlight of hope in his life, and losing it would mean losing the chance to be with you

Kazuichi Souda

This sweet boy!!! Sometimes he forgets what exactly you need, like sensory wise, but backs off really quickly if what he's doing hurts you in that sense

He also loves fiddling with things so if you want to borrow some tools from him so you can fiddle with its no problem! He might make a handmade fidget toy for you later on!

Sometimes he yells too much and that causes a sensory overload, and as soon as he realizes it he's so so so apologetic. The baby

Loves it when you play with different textures and tell him how much you love them!! Like yes!!!! He also loves different textures differently so he'll share his own favorites with you!

A PASSION FOR YOU INFODUMPING. He'll sit there, mouth agape, as he notices how adorable and precious you are when you happy stim while you talk about your special interest!!!! He just wants to know what you love!!!!!

Fuyuhiko Kuruzuyu

The sort of bastard who made autistic jokes until he met you, and you made him understand that autism isn't actually anything to ridicule. He will absolutely punch someone if they berate you because of your autism now!

His hair is short and fuzzy — perfect for rubbing! Though please don't do it too hard or fast you don't want to hurt him :^(

Can also be very noisy, but he cuts it out around you. Turns soft spoken and gentle because you can't differentiate friendly aggression x real aggression. It's super sweet but only you get to see this part of him; he has a reputation to maintain!

Usually, he's the shorter one in the relationship, so you can completely envelop him like a little teddy bear! Don't crush him, though; just hug him tight! If he's on the same height level he'll insist to be the big spoon and add a lot of pressure (not enough to hurt you) as he hugs you!

When you happy stim, he gives you a soft, warm and genuine smile. He's so enamoured with you and the happiness you're experiencing makes him so so so full of passion

Overall, he's been so rough with everyone else, but you're different in more ways than being autistic. He may sound condescending at times, but as soon as you call him out on it, he never repeats the behavior again. He's just scared to hurt you

Gundham Tanaka

Another loud little man, this fucker. You're the only one 'spared' from his thunderous introductions and speeches — he speaks normally around you. He'd rather die than hurt his king/queen/monarch of darkness

Lets his animals run all over you! Especially the very fluffy ones since you seem to love that. When they lay on you and you comment on how much you like the pressure, he lets them get around you even more!

He knows how hatred for being touched feels like — he took a while to open up to you, for starters. If you don't want to be touched, he absolutely understands and will support you in any other way until you're up for it again.

He's known for eloquent and unclear speech, but will be more straightforward for you. He wants you to understand him after all sksbsmdnn dumb bastard

If anyone is mean to you bc of autism, he will make it so they Suffer the Plague of the God Of Darkness. For real tho, he'll get really pissed off, and might use a predator to attack the ableist asshole, who knows!

If your special interest is animal he. Is. Absolutely. Fucking. Crying. You both infodump to each other until you're too tired to do anything anymore and just lay around tangled together, knowing the other understands and loves you for who you are!

Teruteru Hanamura

Doesn't make innuendos anymore when you start dating, for starters. If he's in a mood he'll just say it, since he knows it's hard for you to understand metaphors and wordplay, but is more than okay with a no.

Also loves it when you play with his hair! He misses how his mom used to care for him, and now he's so fond of you just being into him genuinely that he would do anything for him

Soft and squishy! Perfect for hugging! He's really short and can be used as a teddy bear too! Though he prefers to be the small spoon so he can feel your body lovingly enveloping his

You got a specific food that you eat and it needs to be prepared in a specific way? He's on it! And he absolutely nails it every time, its no issue for him! No matter how complicated or simple, he can make do and will be so pleased when you say its perfect!

Manages to get you out of shitty social situations fairly quickly. If you're nonverbal, he won't be able to communicate through asl, but any other way is also fine! If you're not overstimulated, he'll also give you soft hugs and sit on ur lap, resting his head on your shoulder

Nekomaru Nidai

So you're a little different huh? That's so good!!! He loves it! The fact you're not like anyone he knows makes you even more perfect to him!

He'll boast about his perfect s/o a lot! He's very loud and proud about you! The dream giant lovebug :^)

Can get a little too wild while training and also loud, so you can easily be overloaded. Encourages you not to be there when he trains with someone like owari because he knows he won't be thinking coherently enough to remember not to yell, and if roughhousing gets you uncomfortable this certainly will be worse. He's worried about you!

Wraps all over you when you're cuddling if you're okay with him doing that! Will also get you tons of weighted blankets because he's worried about how quickly they'll deteriorate dkdndkdn

If something is bothering you somewhere and you want to leave he'll just give u a piggyback ride! Its lovely to have you so close to him, also he gets to make u comfy!

Loves to indulge in your special interests if he can! You wanna marathon a show? He's on it! You wanna watch a documentary on snakes? He's already making popcorn!

Just a huge teddy bear baby. He loves you so SO much and is so filled with pride about how amazing u are!

[youareunbearable]

every single day im more and more sure im some form of autistic mainly because of how relatable a lot of autistic headcannons im seeing are? Like ive never been tested and if i mention my thoughts to my family they laugh it off, and ik its really hard to diagnose women and adults because of ability to camouflage but i swear im somewhere on the spectrum. 

I’m putting a list of stuff under a readmore, but if ppl who know about autism wants to throw in their two cents i’ll gladly take it! 

  I used to do the flappy hand thing when processing/dealing with high emotions, i did it for almost a decade when i was a kid before i trained myself out of it because my family and peers used to tease me about it (my parents would laugh at me because id flap when i got frustrated and joke that im trying to fly away)

i used to do the raptor hands thing when in idle mode but when i was a teen someone told me how weird it looks/it makes ppls eyes go to my chest which makes me uncomfy so now i just clasp my hands behind my back

i can never really tell what emotion im feeling unless someone else or I voice it. like i’ll be going through all the symptoms of being stressed/mad/happy, but i wont understand what emotion that is unless i say either to myself or out loud what it is, or when others point it out “oh you look happy/ amber youre pretty mad/ why are you upset?” 

i hyper fixate on things, and only really like to talk about those things. my entire childhood it was birds, anything bird related i had to own, and it wasn’t until i moved off to uni that i stopped. Never really told anyone about it tho because it was a weird hobby. I had a cabinet full of ceramic birds and a wall of bird plushies that when pressed did their call.

For all that im told im really empathetic i REALLY don’t understand what other people are feeling. I know what they SHOULD be feeling based off of all the media I consume, and when i help them through their problems i either just tell them what i would want to hear or what the the solution to a similar problem a character in a book was going though. I’m really good at piecing together what ppl want to hear, and basing their solutions off of fanfiction/media that 90% I feel like it works? I mean ppl keep coming back for advice? but if it werent for that id have no fucking idea whats going on with other ppl

I’m weird about touch. now this COULD be from the fact that my family is very touch removed, but i find i crave touch, or the idea of touch, but when it happens i hate it, it makes my skin crawl, especially when ppl touch my neck. ive had the ladies at hair salons brush my hair before and me flinching every time they come close to my neck

while im not super about routine, i do find that when i have to follow someone elses i get annoyed, or when my time gets interrupted. but i think this is a normal human thing. but my brother has ocd and follows a strict routine from when he wakes up to how long he brushes his teeth so maybe im a little biased with that as a mindset for routine following

Im super particular about texture. I wont eat certain foods because of how they feel when im chewing it, velvet makes me want to rip off my skin when i touch it and i have to wipe my hands off on other fabric when i do, my skin feels super sensitive to touch so much so that seams and off textures make me what to scratch my skin off, and i often get large red welts when it happens, i also cant stand the feeling of liquid on my lips when i drink or eat, so i have to lick it off after (or pat it with a napkin) but ive noticed that no one else in my friends or family do that, and im trying to stop cause im being teased over it but its hard cause the wet feeling is AWFUL

side note on the scratching thing: i often do it when im in high emotional situations, dragging my nails up and down my legs or arms is kinda of relaxing and im im just now kinda realizing that this could be the bad version of the flapping i used to do, because i didnt scratch when i flapped, but now that i stopped the welts are here. ive also only broken my skin ONCE but i was in depressive spiral so eh. 

Im so great at mimicking other people and do it so naturally that i actually had to talk with my therapist about that because i was having identity issues over the fact that i dont know who i am anymore because i just pick up other peoples ways of acting (gestures, walking, what to do with my hands) and talking (phrases, tone, ways of thinking, etc) and often decide what im going to do that would have the best social impact on ppl like im picking a choice from a phrase wheel in a video game (Ive stopped doing this as much since therapy, and now i feel like i do it a normal human amount)  

when i was in elementary, i was a fucking angry kid, for no apparent that i can tell because i could never tell when i was pissed unless other ppl told me to calm down. I remember literally talking to a friend in highschool who had anger problems and i remember finding it annoying and telling myself “im not going to act like that” and then suddenly i wasnt angry anymore and the thought of punching someone is gross, but my sister stil tells me sometimes that im “violent” but i literally can never recall me doing anything like that anymore???? so whatever 

theres more to this list but its 3am and i cant think really but 

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. If we returned to a world without internet, what aspect of online life would you miss the most? Wow, that would really, really suck, ha. For someone like me with no life and who spends a lot of time on the internet... yikes. Sounds sad, but it’s true. I would miss Tumblr and surveys and checking my social medias and looking up random stuff and shopping online. I mean, obviously I’d have to adapt and move on, and hey maybe something good would come from it, but yeah just imagining that sounds awful haha.  2. What food are you craving at the moment? I’m not hungry right now, but I am thinking about that pizza I had Monday haha. It was SO good. I could definitely go for another.  3. Are you craving anything aside from food, and if so, what? I wanna travel. Last week my dad flew out to visit family and I was so envious that he was getting to fly somewhere and get out of town/state for a few days. I’ve only flown a total of 2 times, which was over 10 years ago now. I’ve gone along to take and pick up people from the airport many times; though, and each time I always get the urge to fly somewhere. I get this butterfly type feeling each time I’ve gone to the airport and I just wanna gooooo.

4. Where was the last place you went and what did you do there? I went to the doctor yesterday for my monthly check up on something ongoing I’ve been dealing with. 5. What was the highlight and low point of your summer (or whatever season you happen to be taking this in)? The only good parts about this summer was the few times I went to the beach, my birthday weekend vacation, saw some good movies, and my aunt (whom I’m super close with) came and stayed with a for a few days last week and it was really fun. Otherwise, I despise summer, it’s hot and miserable. I dread it every year and I just look forward to it being over. 6. What was the last change you made to your lifestyle? Hmm. 7. What was the last thing you gave up doing? Uhhh. I feel like I’ve given up on a lot of things in the last few years. Myself most of all. 8. Do you deal well with criticism? Does it make a difference if it’s constructive? I mean, if someone wants to offer some helpful, useful advice that could be beneficial to me that’s cool. Just don’t be rude about it. If I’m doing something and there’s possibly a better way to do it, then suggest that in a way that doesn’t come off condescending or rude. I’m most critical on myself anyway. I will say; though, it does annoy me if someone keeps telling me something that I should do that I already know I should do. Don’t criticize me constantly for it. Don’t nag me.  9. What was the last thing to boost your self-esteem? What sort of things typically make you feel good about yourself? My self-esteem is shit, but I know it’d be nice to get my hair done finally. It’s been over a year and it looks so bad and I always like how my hair looks and feels after I get it done. Like, I’m still a mess but at least my hair would look nice. 10. When it comes to food, do you prefer crunchy or softer textures? I like some crunch, but not hard. Like the right amount of crunch and crispiness, ya know? Depending on what it is, of course. I like soft textures as well. I eat everything with sauce, dips, or olive oil because I can’t eat things dry. Like my sandwiches, for example, I put a lot of mayo and mustard, but I also dip it in olive oil. Or like I eat eggs with ranch, unless I have country gravy with them.  11. Do you prefer savory or sweet things for breakfast? I just eat scrambled eggs with spinach and cheese for breakfast, sometimes in the form of a breakfast burrito. Hash browns are a great bonus. I used to eat like cereal, pop tarts, toaster strudels, granola bars, oatmeal, and waffles, but now I can’t eat a lot of sweet stuff anymore. Plus, I just prefer to have eggs. There’s more substance and I get something good out of it like protein.  Honestly, I used to never even have breakfast at all, I just liked breakfast foods like I listed above. It’s only within the last year especially that I started to eat breakfast regularly. 12. When was the last time someone disappointed you? What about the last time you disappointed someone else? I’ve been very disappointed in myself for a long time. I feel like I’ve disappointed my family and former friends, too.  13. What is something you can’t seem to stop doing (or start)? I can’t seem to stop being a mess or start getting my shit together... 14. When was the last time you made a new friend? What about the last time you lost a friend? I haven’t made any friends in years. I lost all my friends over the past few years.  15. What was the last thing you were excited about? What about nervous? I was excited about having my aunt come and stay with us last week and for our beach trip last weekend. We had a really good time. As for nervous, this is a long story time so grab a snack and buckle up:

I was full on freaking out last Sunday, after having a great, relaxing time at the beach, because as we were turning the corner to our street, we got notifications on our phone from our security camera, which at almost 10 o’clock at night, was like wtf?? Before any of us had time to check it, we saw for ourselves the reason why it was going off: As we turned we saw firetrucks, smoke, and our neighbors all standing around outside, some of which were standing at our door, hence the security alerts going off. We saw our house and our neighbor’s house that we’re connected to engulfed in smoke. We had no idea what was going on, but our first and only thought and concern was our dog, who was in the house. I start literally crying and freaking out because like I said, we didn’t know what was going on, but what I described seeing as we turned the corner was terrifying and my only concern was my dog. My mom stops the car and she and my brother jump out and run up to our house. My brother comes back out running to the car with my dog, who was physically fine, THANK GOD, but very scared. She jumped in the back with me and I just held on to her the entire time while my mom, aunt, and brother went back to find out what the hell was going on. Turns out that our neighbor, whose house is connected to ours, was working on his car in the garage and his engine caught fire. Being that our houses are connected, the smoke came over to our side and filled up our garage. It was so bad that it was coming out the sides, which is why it looked like it was our house that had the fire. When my mom opened up the garage, she said the smoke was so thick that she couldn’t even see anything. It was crazy. The firefighters had to do a walkthrough of our house to make sure it was fine and checked for carbon monoxide and all that, and had to use their big blower thing to clear out the smoke in our garage. Our house was fine, we just had to open the windows up in our house and air it for awhile. The smell was strong; though, and the smoke was very irritating to my throat. OH, and the reason why our other neighbors were standing at our door was because they thought we were home asleep and they were trying to alert us of the fire. One girl even jumped our fence to bang on our backdoor. They were banging and yelling for awhile, apparently. My mom and I watched the video camera footage later and saw everything and omg it was so crazy. You can tell how scared and concerned they were. And the smoke was so bad at that point that they were coughing and covering their mouths, but they continued banging on our door and trying to yell out to alert us. D: It meant SO much that they cared and were genuinely concerned about us like that. We couldn’t stop thanking them. Ahh but anyway yeah, it was w i l d. And this was just a few days after there was another fire a few houses down from us. :O 16. What is something small that you take extremely personally? Hm. I don’t know. I’m a sensitive person, so. 17. What is your favorite thing about your favorite person? I don’t really have a favorite person. I love my family and I’m close to some more than others, but I don’t choose favorites like that. 18. What is something you wish other people knew about you? I don’t know. 19. What is something you wish others DIDN’T know? Uhhh. 20. When was the last time you comforted someone who was upset? When my aunt and I get together it always ends up turning into a therapy session between us. We stay up late and talk about everything and yeah, sometimes it gets pretty deep. Anyway, I was just lending an ear and letting her vent about some things.  21. What was going on the last time you couldn’t sleep? Every night I stay up and watch ASMR, Tumblr, and do surveys until I fall asleep. 22. What are your plans for the day ahead (or tomorrow if it’s late)? I don’t have any today, but tomorrow my mom and I are dropping off my brother and his friend at a concert. It’s out of town, so I wanted to tag along for the ride. 23. Do you tend to be more grumpy when you’re tired or when you’re hungry? Both. Like, I’m always tired, but when I first wake up you do not want to talk to me before I’ve had coffee and had time to wake up. I also get quite hangry. 24. When was the last time you yelled at someone? I don’t know. I yelled out to someone so they could hear me, but I don’t recall the last time I yelled at someone. 25. What types of things typically cause you to cry? Blah some days it’s like I’m on the verge of tears all day and any thing can set me off. Other times there’s a specific reason, other times it’s a combination or build up of things that lead to crying. There’s various reasons. I’m just a cry baby.  26. When was the last time someone else cried in your presence? It’s been awhile, actually.  27. What is one thing that would make your life a lot better? Better health.  28. What is something you are grateful to already have in your life? My family. 29. How would you describe your overall aesthetic? Leggings, graphic Ts, and Adidas. 30. What is one of your most positive characteristics? What about one of your most negative? Does it bother you when you see certain aspects of yourself in other people, or does it depend on the trait? I have a lot of negative traits. I’m struggling to think of something positive. I used to be someone who was there for others and willing to help anyway I could, but I haven’t been that way these past few years. I’ve become such a shitty person these past few years I feel like. :/

[serendair]

Tag Game

Tagged by: @codenamed-bananafishThank you for tagging me :D

Rules: answer 21 questions and tag 21 people you want to get to know better

Nickname: None really, my family and friends call me by my given name. I tend to react when someone calls me “Seren” though considering that name follows me since forever through any game and online community I’ve been with :D

Zodiac: Scorpio

Height: 5″3″

Last movie I saw: oof...? I - don’t remember lol I don’t go to the movies that often. I did rewatch the Superman trilogy from the 70s with Christopher Reeve the other day because someone I follow reblogged a bunch of gifs ^^;

Favorite artists: Oh boy, where to start? There are so many. Famous artists of the past: Marc Chagall and Claude Monet. Beautiful use of colours and way of expressing themselves. I could sit forever getting lost in their pictures. Famous artists of today: Shaun Tan and Lorenzo Mattotti. Have you SEEN their work??? Amazing! Also: Marc Taro Holmes and Alvaro Castagnet who make wonderful watercolour art. Their grasp on the medium is stunning and I adore the ease in their works! Digital artists and members of the animation industry: Marco Bucci (That texture! Omg), Atsuya Uki (The expanse of his backgrounds, the expressions of his characters, the gestures, everything is so light and free, I could talk all day about it), @mocha708 (I don’t know their name sadly but their background artwork is breathtaking!) There are more but I keep it at this. Fanartists of the fandoms I follow: There are so many and I already feel horrible because I am sure I don’t name all that deserve to be named. Anyways, following no specific order I put them as they come to my head: e-mika (a recent discovery I found throgh a BF fanart and followed them for their beautiful art, just check them out, it’s impressive), fuwishi (found through YOI fanart, I adore their watercolour works a lot, everything is so harmonious and soft), aishakami (found through BF again I love her watercolour works and the way she uses colour, it’s so beautiful and glowing, also her digital art is adorable, I feel honoured to be followed back by her), Rayana aka rainbow09 (doing mostly digital art for the Digimon fandom but there occasionally are other things in between, I love her style so much, perspective, poses, expressions, her portrayal of some of my most favored characters is just so spot on it’s amazing, she’s an inspiration to me and one of the reasons I got back into drawing after a rather long hiatus and I am extremely proud to be able to call her a friend), yamacoya (also found through BF, has a very unique style that highly resonates with me - it’s so reduced yet really strong in expression, awesome). I could go on forever but I’ll stop here. As I said, there are so many and I feel bad for not naming them all but those came to mind first so I guess that’s alright?

Song stuck in my head: Black Sheep by Gin Wigmore (my dad recommended this song to me the other day and I can’t get it out of my head ever since, it’s so catchy and really good)

Other blogs: none - yet? (I keep considering splitting my blog by the fandoms I’m following but I’m overwhelmed just thinking about the maintanance so my poor followers have to deal with my randomness ^^; sorry guys!)

Do I get asks: sometimes :) 

Following: 104

Amount of sleep: 8 - 10 hours if possible 

Lucky number: 13

What I’m wearing: My go-to clothes aside from work are the jeans t-shirt chucks combo I’ve been rocking since my early teenage years. For work I’m expected to wear formal dresscode but loosen my leash and nothing stops me wearing my band shirts and chucks to a suit xD

Dream job: it used to be concept artist or animator but then life happened lol

Dream trip: Oh there’s more than one! The one I’m dreaming of for well over half of my life now would be Japan :) but there’s so many places I want to see. A backpacking trip through Great Britain. The Mayan Temples. Athens. Rome. And so many more ^^

Favorite food: Again so hard to name only one! I live in Bavaria and I love this regions food so so much. Kammbraten is amazing with Semmelknödel and Rotkraut. Or my mum’s Goulash is incredibly delicious. Or her Rouladen! God I love food xD to name something more internationally known I’d say Clam Chowder. I fell in love with that stuff the first time I went to Boston and I’m craving it madly. Oh and corn on the cob is always great! And Spaghetti! And Cherries - cherries are great. So are grapes. And I discovered Kaki fruits recently - yum!!! Did I mention that I love food? lol let’s skip ahead

Play any instruments: No :( but I want to learn to play the piano eventually

Languages: German, English, I was pretty acceptable in Spanish but that’s years and years ago. I think I can introduce myself still lol doesn’t count I guess

Favorite song: I really try not to write an essay about favourites again. It’s so situational. And this is hard to answer! I’ll pick Queen - Don’t Stop Me Now, this song always picks me up when I’m down or makes me dance through the room when I’m in a good mood, overall a great song!!!

Random fact: I’m really bad at answering questions like these with a normal answer, you either get a long ramble or a counter question to specify what exactly is being asked. I’m a nightmare for everyone trying to hold a conversation with me I’m afraid. This is kind of obvious though so...how about this: I used to raise butterflies when I was a kid. When they hatched my mum’s kitchen was full of fluttering colours :D

Describe yourself as aesthetic things: Ummm.....? Does a blank page count? I could tell you about the things I like but to describe myself as aesthetic things...? I don’t think I qualify to do so.

Tagging: Some of you are friends and some are followers of mine who I haven’t gotten the chance to get to know yet but I keep seeing your names in my push notifs and you somehow stick around despite my randomness. I hope it’s ok and I don’t bother you guys. I tend not to tag people to not be an annoyance but it would be nice to get to know (more about) you. Needless to say if you don’t feel like doing this I don’t blame you :D Anyways: @rainbow09 , @tai-grex , @nekog4y , @xsmokexflamesx , @ookamii-woof , @zeokawolfhusky , @lovecardpng , @lutyung , @ashjadelynxx , @darkangelofcourage​ , and of course everyone else who I didn’t tag but reads this and feels like doing it! If you do feel free to add me and let me know :D

[eldritchsurveys]

433.

1. If we returned to a world without internet, what aspect of online life would you miss the most? >> Oof. I would miss the ability to just... google anything I’m even remotely curious about and read about it or watch a video about it or whatever. The ease of access to whatever you want to know or be entertained by is just amazing, i would hate to give that up more than anything else. 2. What food are you craving at the moment? >> None, I’m not hungry at all. 3. Are you craving anything aside from food, and if so, what? >> No.

4. Where was the last place you went and what did you do there? >> Cafe Boba, to hang out with people from the West Michigan Geeks meetup group like I do almost every Friday evening. 5. What was the highlight and low point of your summer (or whatever season you happen to be taking this in)? >> Hmm. A highlight was how much sun I got, and that beach trip in mid-August. A low point... I can’t think of any low points, really. It was a pretty chill few months.

6. What was the last change you made to your lifestyle? >> I don’t know. I’m not really making any changes lately, I’m kind of just enjoying what I’ve got. Oh, well, I started daily journalling again, so that’s a bit of a change. 7. What was the last thing you gave up doing? >> Trying to berate or wheedle myself into daily exercise. That’s never going to be a thing I can force myself to do, and I need to rethink my approach. Later. 8. Do you deal well with criticism? Does it make a difference if it’s constructive? >> I don’t receive criticism very often, so I don’t actually know. I guess it depends on who it’s coming from. I wouldn’t bother internalising criticism from a stranger because... like, you’re a stranger. Your opinion of me doesn’t matter enough in the first place. But if it was coming from someone I am reasonably sure is invested in my life and cares about my well-being, or something, then yeah, I’d at least try to listen with some measure of grace and respect. 9. What was the last thing to boost your self-esteem? What sort of things typically make you feel good about yourself? >> I don’t really make an effort at boosting my self-esteem. It doesn’t seem as important as it used to -- sometimes I feel crappy about myself, most of the time I don’t, and that’s good enough for me. But during the times I’m feeling crappy about myself, Can Calah says thoughtful things about me and that’s nice to hear. So I guess that was probably the last thing to boost my self-esteem? 10. When it comes to food, do you prefer crunchy or softer textures? >> I prefer crunchy, or soft with crunchy. Either way, there better be some cronch somewhere. 11. Do you prefer savory or sweet things for breakfast? >> Definitely savoury. Maybe a little sweet to make a pleasing flavour combination (like how maple tastes good with bacon), but not like, a whole flavour by itself. 12. When was the last time someone disappointed you? What about the last time you disappointed someone else? >> Blah. 13. What is something you can’t seem to stop doing (or start)? >> *shrug* 14. When was the last time you made a new friend? What about the last time you lost a friend? >> I don’t know when I last made a new friend. I’m not sure when one knows that a person is a friend, and not just “a person I know”. 15. What was the last thing you were excited about? What about nervous?>> I don’t remember, for either thing.

16. What is something small that you take extremely personally? >> I can’t think of anything. 17. What is your favorite thing about your favorite person? >> --- 18. What is something you wish other people knew about you? >> --- 19. What is something you wish others DIDN’T know? >> --- 20. When was the last time you comforted someone who was upset? >> I don’t. 21. What was going on the last time you couldn’t sleep? >> I don’t think anything was going on, I just randomly wake up too early and then can’t go back to sleep sometimes. 22. What are your plans for the day ahead (or tomorrow if it’s late)? >> Errands and laundry (tomorrow). 23. Do you tend to be more grumpy when you’re tired or when you’re hungry? >> I tend to be very grumpy in either situation. 24. When was the last time you yelled at someone? >> *shrug* 25. What types of things typically cause you to cry? >> There’s nothing that typically causes me to cry, really. Except maybe like, the movie The Fountain or something. Pretty sure I’ve cried every time I’ve seen it. But who knows, maybe one day I won’t. (Ha!) 26. When was the last time someone else cried in your presence? >> I don’t remember. 27. What is one thing that would make your life a lot better? >> I don’t know, my life is pretty good as it is. And there’s no real guarantee that getting this thing or that thing would actually improve my life, that’s always conjecture. Sometimes educated and logical conjecture, but still just a guess in the end. 28. What is something you are grateful to already have in your life? >> Stability. 29. How would you describe your overall aesthetic? >> Lazy goth. 30. What is one of your most positive characteristics? What about one of your most negative? Does it bother you when you see certain aspects of yourself in other people, or does it depend on the trait? >> My impartiality is one of my more useful characteristics. My impartiality is also one of my more socially crippling characteristics. It’s all in the situation. As far as the last question is concerned, I guess it depends on the trait and how it’s used.

[silverjetsystm]

Food & Drink

[With the advent of ‘grande quad one pump nonfat no whip upside down mocha Moob Knife special,’ I’m Copying/Pasting and reorganizing the System’s food and drink headcanons]

They all can cook simple things. Follow a recipe. Usually use shortcuts and boxed foods. The System is way too busy to cook most of the time. Groceries would rot unless they go shopping and cook the same day. Only Jake keeps kosher. They eat a lot of Middle Eastern, Chinese, Indian, and Latin American food. Practically live on street food, takeaway, [616] Nedda’s cooking, and Gena’s Diner. They’re all addicted to her pancakes. Frequent visitor to local Jewish deli when they get That Craving for homey food. Each have fallback/routine foods and set orders at places. 

Marc swears his tastebuds died after living on hospital food and MREs. The System does not keep kosher; Marc specifically feels like he’s getting away with something whenever he has cheeseburgers (especially bacon cheeseburgers), pizza with meat on it, or shrimp. Give him crunchy and/or savory type foods. Doesn’t like ‘wet’ texture.

A New Yorker is gonna catch hands the next time Marc hears someone diss Chicago pizza. He’s as serious about Chicago and bagels as MCU!Jake is about Guatemala. Marc is also the only one who will eat tongue sandwiches.

Alcohol Brand: Not picky but would rather drink the local brands when they’re abroad. Pretty familiar with alcoholic brands in the Middle East, Northern Africa, and Latin America. Usual Rum, Whiskey and the like, Tequila, Vodka, Wine. Does not drink much after his previous alcohol issues but the bigger problem was the painkiller addiction.

Beer (whatever is there but partial to light lagers and the like since they’re usually in hot countries).

Coffee: Black. Unless it’s garbage. Then he loads it with enough sugar and and cream to make it Not Water. If they have access to an espresso machine or coffee shop, Marc will get an Americano with cream and sugar or quad shots with cream and flavoring (mocha usually but sometimes vanilla or hazelnut). Pure Unadulterated Space Time Cocanium Coffee.

Tea: Whatever’s there. Will microwave the water if the kettle isn’t convenient (cue yelling from literally everyone). Minimum steeping time. Enough cream and sweetener so it “Doesn’t have that tea taste.”

Juice: Saudi Champagne, Orange, Pomegranate Cherry, Grape

Soda: Hamdiyat (sort of Saudi Arabian Mountain Dew. Marc won’t ever touch Mountain Dew again. Hamdiyat > Mountain Dew), Coke, Cherry Coke

Steven is less adventurous (and drinks less) than the other two. Does not have Marc’s texture concerns.

MCU!Steven is vegan for kosher-ish reasons. In addition to neurodivergent ‘oh, I got too invested in my program and forgot to eat,’ he was too tired from the others doing Moon Knight things while he was sleeping so he didn’t trust himself to cook (or else he’d fall asleep and catch his place on fire). He likes helping Layla cook when they cook together. Doesn’t mind her having a meat meal while he doesn’t. At home, they’ll eat a vegan meal together. Rather than try to adopt British or American meals for vegan food, he’d get vegan recipes that are already out there in the world.

616!Steven has a housekeeper/cook and butler for most of his publication history so he’s the least likely to cook or clean. But if he has to pick up the mess, he will. He does enjoy having a neat home. He does not keep kosher or vegan. Has more of a refined palette than MCU!Steven or the rest of the System. Splurges on meals out. Upcharge King! Always polite to staff. Thinks Jake eats too many eggs and steak so compensates with chicken or turkey-based breakfast meats at home. Or granola, oatmeal, etc. Food has to be plated nice. “We eat with our eyes.” Visits the local Jewish deli and take in bagels and/or Delicious Fucking Baked Goods to work on Fridays.

Most American soft drinks are too sweet for Steven. Give him flavored sparkling water or seltzers.

Despite his thing against soda, he likes sweet cocktails rather than drinking straight from the bottle.

Won’t say no to a pint or gin and tonic.

616!Steven is an Old Fashioned kind of guy.

Tea: Chai, English Breakfast, Green. One sugar, light cream. MCU!Steven Isn’t a coffee guy.

Coffee: 616!Steven drinks regular coffee with lots of cream and sugar. He’ll get seasonal espresso drinks (White Peppermint Mochas) out.

Juice: Apple, Mango, Orange, Grape

Jake keeps kosher. He can cook a little more advanced than the other two. Most adventurous with his orders and will try something new. Managed to find recipes online that their family made and try to recreate them. It’s not the same but it’s familiar. He’s the Coupon Guy but will tell Karens who are Way Too Into It to fuck off. Has the Highest Spice Tolerance and a billion opinions/recommendations of Where to Go,

Gena’s Diner has a mix of American and Caribbean fare. But he always seems to be getting steak and eggs. Saves jerk chicken or oxtail stew for when he’s feeling a certain way. Brings home pie or cookies.

222!Jake is pretty particular for Guatemalan-specific drinks (and food). In New York, he’s like “Can we get Quetzalteca?” Loves to cook for Layla. Treats her like a queen.

Alcohol: See Marc’s section.

Coffee: Endless cups of coffee. Black with three sugars

Soda:  Limonada con soda, Mexican Coke, whatever the bodega has that sounds good.

Tea: Whatever’s there but with the kettle on.

Other: Atole de elote, hot cocoa (and he’ll put in the effort to do it right).