#oh also I started to create symptoms on myself

[nthflower]

All my life I am having periods of times where I become so obsessed with something in a fearful way. My fear obsession eras.

And it is like not a normal kind of fear too it's extremely unreasonable. I know it's not logical and when the fear era is done I can start thinking logically. But when I am in my obsession spiral every thing relates to my fears and I can't stop thinking about them any minute.

For example once I learned there is some kind of fish that looks like a rock and paralyses you at best kills you at worst and I spend months being terrified of going to sea or stepping on any kind of rock.

[carnageacorn]

.

[emmkitt]

stop calling mephone4 a child.

my credentials(/silly): mephone4’s biggest fan + someone who sees mephone as representative of myself. i am also an autistic adult. (relevant)

i went on an autistic tirade rambling about this in a discord server but i wanted to compile my reasoning and stuff here into a tumblr post because this is very important to me.

alright. lets start with the most commonly used argument.

calling mephone a child is ableist.

now i certainly agree that some children CAN act the way mephone does. however, i think it’s harmful when your ONLY argument as to why he is a child is ‘because he cant spell’ or ‘because he creates fantasy worlds in his brain as a means of escapism.’

I think the issue is, we are reducing these very real symptoms of mental disorders to ‘oh he’s just acting childish,’ instead of understanding them for what they are. autism and dyslexia are not cured the second you turn 18. it doesn’t work that way. giving in to the stereotype that only children can act this way… i dunno man. it really rubs me the wrong way.

i think it’d be better to view him as an adult with these symptoms because, well, VERY rarely do we ever get representation of an adult with mental disorders in media. at least not in a way that’s not villainizing them or mocking/infantilizing them. (sidebar, mephone IS NOT THE VILLAIN. he did bad things, yes, and should be held accountable for it, but he is NOT. THE VILLAIN. he is an abuse victim, and his way of acting is actually very good representation of the way abuse victims may go on to mimic actions of their abuser.) cobs (mephone’s abuser btw) LITERALLY infantilizes mephone IN CANON. IN THE SHOW. WHY ARE YOU LISTENING TO COBS. WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE COBS.

bro didnt go to school

i didnt know how to title this section. basically, people reducing him to a child because he doesn’t know adult things are MISSING THE POINT.

HE WAS RAISED BY COBS.

do you think cobs had ANY interest in teaching him ANYTHING about the real world? about how to be an adult? about how to ride a bike or pay taxes? NO. dude popped into existence knowing nothing except what Cobs WANTED him to know. he was meant to just work for Cobs and do tasks all the time and that was IT. OF COURSE his knowledge is going to be limited to what Cobs taught him. that DOES NOT make someone a child. GO REWATCH THE SHOWWWW.

suspend your disbelief for once in your life oh my god

i dont understand how people are able to suspend disbelief for LITERALLY EVERYTHING ELSE in fiction. such as murder/death, supernatural creatures, the universe itself as a whole, etc. but when it comes to age, the real world standards MUST be applied, no exception. Like since Mephone was canonically created 14 years ago in-universe that means he is 14 years old. we are completely ignoring the fact he is a fictional talking sentient phone robot for a minute.

and adding in the ‘he acts like a child’ argument for a second… season 1. what 1 year old do you know that can walk and talk and create an entire game show?? he has practically acted the EXACT SAME WAY his entire existence, therefore that argument falls completely flat.

it would be DIFFERENT if in-universe they had established rules, where this age means this and that age means that, but the ii universe DOES NOT HAVE THAT. meaning people are free to interpret age however they want. it would ALSO be different if mephone was canonically stated to be a child (we’re getting to that) OR portrayed to be childcoded. which…. he isn’t.

okay so by these rules all of the contestants are younger than mephone.

the agreement amongst child mephone believers seems to be ‘creation date = birth date = real age’. so bot is like 3 years old. the unvitationals are like 2. all the contestants are somewhere between like 4-14. but wait- some season 1 contestants ACT older or younger than the others? no. no theyre ALL 13-14 only. no exceptions. every newbie in season 3 is like 4-5. every newbie in season 2 is like 10. makes perfect sense.

do you understand how ridiculous that is. WE CANNOT , i repeat, CANNOT APPLY REAL WORLD STANDARDS TO A FICTIONAL UNIVERSE. oh my god. they are holograms. they are robots. they are in a weird plane floating in the vastness of space that has a picnic table that can generate food, and the ability to revive dead people, and ghosts and talking corn and. and all of THAT is fine. but god forbid someone interpret the talking phone as an adult. I DONT GET IT.

b-b-but cobs called mephone a child…

once again, common arguement. i strike thee down with a ‘MANIPULATION TACTIC.’ i feel like this has been covered enough and better in other mephone rambles so im not gonna get into it.

personal section

this is more of a personal experiences and opinions thing. less based on fact. agree or disagree idc this is just my experience.

once again, like i stated in the beginning, i see myself in mephone. a lot. I am an adult. i have autism. i have the tendency to act ‘childish’ sometimes due to my condition. im bad at being an adult. i struggle with tasks that are probably easy for other adults. i’m not a child. it’s very disheartening- i WANT to be viewed as an independent functioning adult, despite my condition, but when even a FICTIONAL PHONE who acts just like i do gets reduced to ‘child’ because he acts similarly to someone who’s mentally ill and has been abused. it HURTS MAN. he’s just trying his best:[

anyways conclusion

idc. you can headcanon whatever you want cause technically nothing is confirmed, but this is more food for thought for the people immediately jumping on the ‘child mephone’ bandwagon.

unless someone is canonically stated to be a child or is very heavily child coded, i don’t think its wrong for people to interpret them as an adult.

if sometime in the future mephone is canonically confirmed to be a child like. in universe. ill probably be disappointed.

i am a firm believer in age doesnt work the same way in ii as it does in our universe. theyre all fictional creatures. they were not created by conventional means. you dont have to apply our world’s standards to it.

anyways uhh. ramble over lol

[thewisaaaaad]

Hey so I was possesed by another vision.

Im so sorry. Have anemoia AU. Anemoia means "having nostalgia for a time you never experienced.

Also this one dives a little into horror, and I made an image to go with it so. be prepared for that.

my yappin below the Read More.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Why had you tried to be rid of me? Had I done something wrong?

Oh. oh I must have. something horrible, and now I have done something so much worse! A fool such as myself has no business being ROYALTY! Oh no, this will not do at all! My lord, reduced to a groveling peasant!

But now you are free! Forgive your humble servant for the shoddy illusion of the cult I had left you in, I needed time to prepare your surprise! I meant no harm by it, and it was no prison. You could leave at any time!

And now you have! But oh, oh my Lord, you still look so upset! My deepest apologies and condolences, my lord!

But that foul mood will not last, if I have anything to say about it!

I know! I'll put on a show! Only the finest entertainment will do! The worst of the worst, tormented for eternity!

All for You! What a wonderful circus this will be! Such a wonderful show, indeed!

The price of admission? Oh no such thing, my lord! I would rather impale myself upon a sword or twelve! I offer a gift instead!

Your crown! Your wondrous, red crown, returned to its rightful place!

This body? oh, merely a puppet, my lord! My main body is setting up the big show. If you wish to rip it to shreds, such is your right!

But there is so much more to do, once you are done!

There are plenty of heretical souls to punish here with it, so many traitorous souls to cut down at your pleasure!

Ooh, ooh! There are refreshments, too! Fresh marrow to sup upon, and warm blood to slake your thirst!

And for the main events! Oh! Oh, how the bishops shall suffer for your amusement! Heheheh, I'm rather proud of those, myself!

First, we have Leshy! He of Havock, reduced to bird seed! I made hawks pluck at his eyehole as he remains chained to a rock! But not in the way normal birds of prey do, oh no. They pluck at the same nerve endings.

every. time.

A being who relishes in chaos such as he will surely die of BORDOM from such a fate! oh, but do not worry, my lord!

I WONT LET HIM LEAVE THAT EASILY.

Next up, we have that rotten toad, Heket! She gets the honor of standing in a river, with fruit dangling just overhead! But she never gets to taste either, oh no. The pears retreat, just beyond the reach of her grubby mits, whenever she dares to try and seize them.

And that frigid water that rushes past her legs? Why, her parched lips will never reach its surface! the spiked collar around her fragile neck will make sure of that.

SHE WILL FACE THE VERY FAMINE SHE ONCE RULED.

As for Kallamar. Well, lets just say that I was tempted to make him shove a boulder up a hill for eternity, but his weak noodle arms could barely push a small rock! It was so pitiful, I couldn't even stand it.

So I decided to play to his strengths.

A god of plague should be more than a match for his domain, right? Hehee! I thought so too, but his vomit seems to suggest otherwise! I have lined up a wonderful conga line of suffering for the cowardly squid, a beautiful set of symptoms that shall create a wonderful symphony of agony!

Ah, but I haven't left him defenseless! that would be no fun at all! I have left him a table of tools, a bouquet of medicine to try ant treat what ails him!

But every, SINGLE time he starts to recover to a mere cough...

I HAVE ANOTHER CRIPPLING ILLNESS WAITING IN THE WINGS!

And Shamura!

...ah, Shamura.

It was so hard to find a punishment that got a good reaction out of them. Every single form of torture, from boiling in oil, to being crushed under a lead cloak, they took all of it on the chin.

"Through this, I will repent" MY ASS!

But I figured out a hell that makes them squirm. Its so ingenious!

I simply employed the same punishment that they made YOU suffer through! Ehehee, with a slight twist, of course!

They get to watch their siblings SUFFER for all eternity! Hah, and they get to sit there, knowing, KNOWING that this is all their fault! AHAHAHAHAAAAA!

Oh don't look at me like that, you aren't part of their family! They forsake that honor the moment they thought to put you in chains!

...oh, and before you go enjoy the festivities, I wanted to tell you one last thing.

I will be hosting a show of my own! "The Comedy Of the Last Lamb!" oh, I have been working SO very hard on it! I do hope you enjoy it! The story will be a little... tweaked, from how it actually went. The new ending should fit your tastes MUCH better than how... It had gone.

I do hope you'll show up to see it!

You have a starring role in it, after all.

Please, enjoy yourself.

My lord.

[angelschoir228]

Angelschoir attempt with using theta waves♡

●HOW I USED IT●

Okay so before I did this I listened to the whole Renaissance live album in audio mack because in my dr those are my song and instead of Renaissance its called "The Saturn Returns Tour" and in that world I'm the beyonce of that reality like a list celebrity i could go more into it if yall want me to next post! Throughout that whole album I was visualizing being there and using my senses to immerse myself and get a feeling of how it's like being me

Okay yall I'm reporting good news!

So I didn't do only the theta waves but also used the wim hof method for like 11 minutes in order for me to like feel light head or floating and oh my god yall! It made me feel so light and my hands and fingers, toes. EVERYWHERE IN MY BODY WAS FEELING LIKE IT WAS LIGHT AND HAD NO WEIGHT TO IT!??

Since I created a Playlist and put two videos so after the breathing guidance was over I could go straight to using the theta waves without getting distracted and using my phone..unsurprisingly no ads played throughout the video..but as soon as the videos started, I calmed myself down because the lingering fear was still in my mind but I managed to transform it to positive thoughts and not be afraid..it was like I had it all in my hands..like I knew what to do. Its also like my subconscious was talking to me or something? It was a very calming voice and it guided me through..

So then I started to say affirmations in my head.

"I AM THE UNIVERSE"

"I AM THE CREATOR OF MY REALITY"

"NOTHING CAN HOLD ME DOWN BECAUSE I AM PURE CONSCIOUSNESS"

"I AM NOT MY BODY NOR PERSON OR BRAIN"

"DONT BE AFRAID OF ANYTHING, YOURE SUBCONSCIOUS KNOWS WHERE TO GO. TRUST IT."

And by the time I was getting symptoms like my body was light and my head felt it was spinning and I saw flashing lights! My body was twitching like my muscles would spasm for a second.. I think that was my brain checking if I was still alive and I then told myself there's nothing to be afraid about..we are perfectly safe. Also my body felt so heavy like I got sleep paralysis but I didnt??😭

●THE PART YOURE WAITING FOR●

Bro..just bro..like I'm so proud of myself that I managed to do something like this.

I tried to ground myself using my senses first I used my smelling sense..and I smelled my significant other's colonge..and cinnamon..i..I couldn't believe it actually. I used my touch sentence to feel the sheets. It was silk he likes to use silk sheets to sleep on. MY HEART WAS POUNDING!

I then used it to feel my clothes I was wearing. Which was a panda stripped onesie that he bought me cause he knows I love soft and comfortable things

V

this. I scripted in my mind that I'm wearing this and lord was it comfy. I then tried to taste. Which I tasted vanilla in my mouth and I thought "probably from the cupcake I ate earlier in the kitchen" in my dr.

ALSO..I FELT HIS ARMS AROUND MY WAIST AND FELT HIS BREATHING AGAINST MY NECK!???..HELLO???

me fr^^

This next part is confusing though..so all my senses were working..expect for my eyes..like I was partially there. All I saw was black. But it was like a blur?? I don't know but it was blurry for me and I think because I kind struggle with grounding. So I started to sit up in the bed and wiggled my fingers. I saw my sharp nails and the black fade marks on my fingers. My heart was pounding bro( how many times have I said this?) I then turned my head to my significant other...

●

●

●

HOLY SHIT THAT MAN HIS HOT AS FUCK..LIKE HE LOOKED GORGEOUS SND ETHREAL..like I'm biting my lip and finger thinking of him like damn I really copped this fine ass man bro.

I then asked for him to wake up and that it's valentines day today(I scripted it was valentines an my DR..it was 6am when I looked at the clock)

And..yall I'm so smitten for him like it ain't funny at ALL..so he woke up and graced me with a soft smile..a loving smiling of adoration coming from him and I swear happy tear came from my eyes that he's actually there infront of me. I couldn't help myself. I just had to kiss him on his lips and forehead..it was so tender. I then grabbed his hand placed on my cheek..yall I never felt so loved in my life. He then said that got a gifts for me in the dresser next to Bed. And proceeded to open it and grabbed a couple of boxes and gave it to me. I was opened them and I swear I smiled so brightly yall. It was a ruby necklace and a ruby bracelet. He said he bought me it a few days before valentines days from a shop and said it reminded him of me and the time I said ruby reminded me of his eyes(he remembers everything about me and stuff I've said)

Like this image of Usagi and Darien( tuxedo mask) like it's literally us I swear. I then began to pout that I didn't give him anything sadly and loomed down at the floor. He then said the greatest gift he could ever have was...

Me...

And that is enough for him..

I'm going to give this man kids. I fucking swear yall better hold me back and lock me up before I get my hands on this dic-

So anyways I then said I have a more tempting offer for him..HAHAHA IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN

I don't care what yall say I was getting on my freak on fr LMAOOOOOO

But of course I brushed over my words and pushed it away cause you know..to tease the man cause he teases me a bit to much so I took my chance to get payback..so I then leaned away from his face and acted like I didn't said shit and mentioned that we need to get dressed for the day and then we could head out for valentines day..also my cat(she's a chimera kitten..I found her in the dumpster in the ally)phobos(he named her that..his edgy ass my god)was there and she so skrunkly and so..tiny..lmao..I scripted her in from a fanfic I read which was wholesome and fluffy I couldn't help but add in to my DR

BACK TO THE STORY

We walked into the closet to get dressed and yall that closet was long asf. Like billion dollar worthy. So then I picked out my dress which was this

but pink and white with small hearts

But then the man was suddenly so closed to me and proceeded to cage me with his arms...OMG??? WHAT THE FUCK LORD HAVE MERCY I THINK I BECAME A WATER FALL OR SOMETHING..anyway he then said why was I tempting him so early in the day and I was like huh? Cause I already forgot my words or the offer I tempted him with..and he said that I had to face the consequences of my actions one or another and that Demons don't do well with resisting temptations and I'm a walking temptations to him..oh fuck..bro like you obsessed with me? Oh I LOVE THAT FROM HIM AND TBH HE CAN HIT IT ANYTIME AND ILL LET HIM so anyway let I them noticed that cat followed us and was watching and I was like you can't do what you're going to when there's an kitten watching..and he simply shrugged and just said that'll probably think that it parents(i fucking loved when he said that like aww he thinks of phobos like a daughter) were just loving eachother and showing love or tussling..

.

.

.

.

EXCUSE ME THE FUCKING ADAUCITY OF THIS MAN AND THE WORDS HE JUST SAID AND DOESN'T HELP THAT HIS VOICE IS DEEP AND SULTRY LIKE??

I didn't stay there for long..only for like ten minutes until this reality showed up in my head and I just opened my eyes and my ASS WAS BACK HERE but..I'm taking this as a learning experience and that I have shifted my 4d was there but not my 3d

So like I'm going to end it right there cause I've said enough but like..omg he so charming and attractive like okay I did my shit when copping him and making him mine 😈

Overall I rate theta waves a solid 8/10 two points because I had a little bit of trouble but Overall it was good

Also all I could think about in my head was this song..go at the 2.22 mark and that was the part constantly playing in my mind

WAS THIS SUCCESSFUL OR NAH????

-Angelchoir

[oubliette-odette]

The Reluctance of Love, Pt. 3

I wrote so many drafts for this chapter. But I'm so pleased with how it turned out. I hope you love reading from Altan's POV as much as I loved writing it. He's a little more free and unfiltered in his narrating. Also I'm so sorry that each chapter keeps getting longer!!! I just write and I can't stop until I get to the end! Thank you so much for the lovely comments so far. I'm really really happy to hear that so many of you like these characters.

Orc Male x Half-Elf Male, Fated Mates, Forbidden Love, Slow Burn Part 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 Word Count: 3,025 (average 23 min read) Content Warnings: mention of mating, mention of masturbation, nothing happens....yet ;) All orcish is from orcishdictionary.com, created by Matt Vancil. Not beta-read. Criticism is welcome, but be sure to distinguish criticism from hate.

Altan POV

One month.

Why in all of the nine hells did I agree to one month?

If I had been smart, I would have said a week. Two at the most.

I was going to go insane.

Ever since I left Drunrag's forge, I could feel him. It was like we were tethered together by an invisible thread and when one of us moved in proximity to the other or further away, we felt the pull and release of that thread. I figured out very quickly that he lived a very structured lifestyle and I started to predict at certain times of the day when I would feel the pull of him.

And every day I would sense it when he would be closer to me and I would hope that maybe he'd follow the pull back to me. To tell me that he changed his mind. That he'd be willing to share one night with me.

Oh Altan, you sap, how quickly you fall for a pretty face.

I knew the symptom's of Drunrag's lordhovid was probably affecting me - I'd like to think of it more as augmenting what I was already naturally feeling...semantics I suppose - but I felt almost immediately that there was something special about Drunrag the moment I saw him.

Gods, how I wanted him. He was...well, everything.

Tall - well over six feet tall and looming. Having stood so near him, I knew he dwarfed me entirely. It felt dangerous, but so alluring.

Dark - Green skin, the shade of deep emerald, textured with dark freckles across his face and on his shoulder. His hair was black, but I caught lines of silver that ran through - it looked to be nothing related to age. It was pulled up into a topknot, but some hairs slipped and strayed into the front of his face. It was tantalizing and begging my fingers to pull his hair free and run through it. 

Handsome - Maybe a bit subjective, but truly, he was exactly my type. His height was matched with a thick build, his body possessing muscle and strength that was built to break me, but I just knew he would hold me so gently.  I saw how his piercing grey eyes noticed everything. They darted around him, taking in everything in rapid order. His tusks were pearly white - well maintained. I wanted to feel them on my neck with those large hands holding me in my place. I imagined what it would be like to be ravished by someone like him.

By all appearances, he looked like what most people would see as a dangerous orc - bound by a god-given oath for power and blood. My home was near where an infamous tribe known as the Wolves of Dirge frequently raided and pillaged for sport - but I found that Drunrag was more puppy than wolf, and I loved him for it.

Oh my Drunrag, if you only knew how many ways I dreamed of you ruining me.

I think I need to change the subject.

My symptoms were mostly manageable. I felt feverish and seemed to be sweating more than normal. I found that I was more irritable and easily flustered by any sudden shifts in temperature. The longer the day went on, I would also develop a pounding headache and a strange dull pain in the pit of my stomach. But I managed. I could stave off a bit of heat and discomfort as I needed to.

It was nights that were the worst.

With nothing to distract my mind or body, I would find myself in a frenzy. The first night I kicked my sheets off of the bed - it was far too hot - and I was near panting with frustration. My entire body was on fire, it felt like it would burn through the bed and I gasped and panted for air, for release.

My mind could only stray to one thing that could take it away: Drunrag.

Whether he believed it or not, I believed him to be something special to me. I avoided calling him my mate, as that would make him uncomfortable to call him that, but I knew there was a connection between us. I wished he could have seen it as clearly as I did.

But he didn't, and I was alone to comfort myself.

As the nights passed one by one, my self-control was dwindling. Each night, I could only see Drunrag in my head. I could close my eyes and imagine his weight as he settled next to me, laying so that my back was pressed against his chest. I imagined his arms snaking around my waist and pulling me towards him. His hot breath against my neck as he whispered to me how wonderful I smelled.

I wondered what he smelled like. Damn, Altan, you should have caught a whiff before you promised to leave him alone for a month.

No. No. Actually, that would have made things so much worse.

My mind refocused on the vision in my head and I imagined his large - such large hands - close over mine and bring them up to my chest where he would curl in and hold me close and let me feel his weight around me as we both fell into a fitful slumber.

Meanwhile, imagining this only brought me an edge of desperation as I stretched out on my empty bed which had no handsome orc man to hold me.

I couldn't deal with this lust alone. Not without him. Not without help. The only comfort I had was his name. His beautiful name.

Drunrag. Drunrag. Drunrag.

Drun.

If I was lucky, I could call him that as he held me. I would say it so sweetly to him, I would never say it in anger. I would hold him in return, his head on my lap as I played with his hair and told him all the gentle things no one ever told him.

Drun, you're so handsome, so stunningly handsome. Drun you're hands are so gentle, I know you could take such good care of me. My Drun, you make my head spin with want. Drun let me touch your hair again.

I laid alone in that bed, wanting, wishing, regretting.

In desperation I tried to pleasure myself, imagining my hands to be equal to Drunrag's - they weren't - and urging the lust to spill over enough to let me rest. I could feel the pressure building between my legs and I began to breathe harder, Drun's name on my lips as I worked myself harder.

But in the end, my body would not release. I could not be satisfied or sated. My body didn't want my own self-pleasure. It wanted Drun. I wanted Drun. If my father had seen me in such a state...I dared to hope that it would kill him with shock.

Why did I agree to a month of this?

I woke the next morning with a headache I could not abate and my body flushed with heat that would not go away, even after burying myself in cold water in the bathhouse.

It had only been four days at that point.

There was no way in any hell that I would be able to last another 26 days like this. Not only was it that I couldn't live like this, but I also wouldn't. My standards were too high to accept this much sweat from so little labour. I stumbled out of the room in the Inn I was staying at, gave a slight polite nod to the innkeeper as I shuffled out.

I'm sure I looked like absolute shit. And for the first time in a long time, I really couldn't give a shit how I looked.

I needed a bath, I needed a meal, I needed to change my clothes. In fact, I needed to leave this town before I stumbled into one of my father's goons.

But I also needed to see Drun again. My body couldn't take it. I followed the pull, not minding who I rammed or tripped into as I got there. I wound through busy streets and ascended down to the lower part of the city near the coast. We weren't anywhere near where his forge was.

I found myself on the docks of the town. The smell of fish and salt-sea air overwhelmed my lungs. It was enough to make a man puke if you weren't prepared for it. Which I wasn't and I found myself flung over the the edge of a dock and heaving my guts out.

"You 'right?" A voice called from behind me.

I wiped my mouth clean and looked up. The morning sun was shining just enough to block any features of the man. I couldn't see much of him besides a rotund silhouette and a tricorn hat sitting askew atop his head. Sailor folk, I could only presume.

"Fine." I said. I wiped my mouth and struggled to my feat.

"Oh, ain't you dressed fine for a day out on the docks." He whistled low. "Fancy."

Not really, I thought. These clothes had gone two days without wash. Though, in hindsight, that's probably much more often than that man ever washed his clothes. I blinked the sun from my eyes and took a closer look.

He was a short, round man with a twinkle in his stark blue eyes. A pipe was in one hand, and the other rested calmly against a pistol on his hip. His shocking white hair and deep wrinkles revealed a man with many years behind him on the sea. He seemed friendly enough.

I smiled back at him, it was nice to have a friend. "I'm looking for a friend of mine. You wouldn't have happened to see an orc gentleman pass by, would you?"

The man pondered for a minute, then shook his head. "Don't believe I have." He narrowed his eyes and looked at me more closely. "What would a fine young lad like you be doin' with orc folk?" He looked me up and down and I saw his eyes lock back onto my face. Something about me triggered and his friendly expression fell. "Oi...you match the description of that Duke's son that's gone missin'. You wouldn't 'appen to know anything about that, would'ya?"

I shook my head, forcing my best grin. "Handsome lad I've heard, but that's all I've gleaned from the gossip." I sidled my foot towards where I felt Drun's presence and began to slide away.

"Now, now son." The man's voice was low now, not remotely friendly in tone. I felt a chill run down my spine before my body began to burn even hotter than before. "The Duke's got a generous reward for anyone who brings his son back home. I ain't partin' with you till I know for sure." His fingers graces the wooden handle of his pistol and he tilted his head, a knowing smile on his face. "If I'm wrong, we split and pretend this never happened."

This man wouldn't hesitate to shoot if I ran, I sensed.. I wondered if my father had put dead or alive on that prize money. He'd likely be relieved to be rid of me.

The smile on my face fell as I realized the trouble I was in. I hadn't expected word to spread so fast.

Then again, I also hadn't expected to stay in this town as long as I did.

Damn you, Altan.

"Sir, please." I said, pleading. "I'm not going back to Durbesk. Help me and I'll double the price my father has offered."

The man clicked his tongue and shook his head. "With what funds? You ain't got shit on you."

He was right, the gold I brought to pay for my room and board was nearly gone and it wouldn't even begin to cover the price my father demanded for my return.

I felt my heart race inside me. I couldn't go back to my father. Fear and panic set in as I saw the man take a step towards me, his pistol now pointed at me.

"As a precaution" He said, his tone was friendly, but I saw the glint in his eye was now a look of wicked greed.

My cries would fall on deaf ears if I begged to him. It wouldn't matter that my father hated my existence and wished me to be a different sort of son. One who would obey him, who aspired to be just like him with a pride and ego that outmatched anyone else. Who was arrogant and spoiled. Who believed money, stature and reputation was more important than music, art, and the simple pleasures in life.

He wanted a son that wouldn't kiss boys behind stables when they were fifteen. A son that wouldn't smile so much and laugh too loud. That wouldn't bring home rodents as pets and nurse them back to health and cry when they died. He had always wanted someone more tough, more heartless and brave than me.

No, this man wouldn't hear any of that. He could care less what sort of nightmares I faced at home at the expense of my father's disappointment and hate in me. And he wouldn't care that the only person who truly loved me - my beautiful mother - was gone and buried in an unmarked grave so that I could never find her.

My mother thought I was perfect the way I was, and told me so. She never wanted me to stop smiling or laughing. She told me my music was beautiful and that it reminded her of her home in the Silverwood. She told me that I was beautiful. Everything I loved about myself I got from her. My eyes, my hair, my heart.

I wish someone would understand how much I missed her. How much I wanted to be with her instead of here...running away from my life to start over away from my father. Away from everything that reminded me of her.

I bowed my head, fighting back the hot tears that I felt brimming at my eyes. Why was I crying at a time like this?

"Please." I said, faint and breathless. "Don't make me go back."

The man looked like he was about to laugh at me, when I suddenly felt the warmth of someone's presence behind me. The shadow of his height fell over me and I whirled around to see him.

Drunrag.

My Drun.

His eyes were like deep silver pools, blazing with the heat I knew was smoldering inside him. He didn't look at me, his eyes were instead trained on the man. I looked down and saw his hands were clenched into tight fists. Under each of his arms was a barrel, which he carefully set down on the dock on either side of him, then rising again to his full height.

"You're his friend?" The man asked, a sour tone in his voice that I didn't like one bit.

Drunrag didn't answer, only sniffed contemptuously before taking a step towards him, shifting around me so that he didn't come close to touching me. I still felt the sizzling heat between us.

"You have no business being here." Drunrag said. His voice was heavy and low, rumbling his chest that reminded me of bear's growl. My body reacted to it strongly and I stumbled back, unsteady and wavering.

"Yeah? And what's your business with him?"

"None of your concern." Drun's voice was level and calm, but I could sense the mounting pressure inside.

"You just want the money for yourself." The man protested, pointing his gun at Drun. My heart began to pound faster. Don't shoot him. Oh gods please, don't shoot him.

"I saw him first." Drun responded. "We can fight on it, if you wish." He cracked his neck side to side, then clenched and unclenched his fists. Muscles, tight from his tense posture, rippled and reacted to his movements. The man's eyes were on them and I watched gleefully as his pistol lowered to his side and his face fell open.

Drun continued. "Get lost...or I'll be cracking each of your finger one...by...one until your bones are ground to dust." He cocked his head. "Won't be much use on a ship with boneless fingers."

Oh dear gods above...that shouldn't have affected me when he said that, should it? I looked down at the barrel and decided it was for the best to take a seat on it. I needed to catch my breath.

"Stupid piece of shit, is what you are." The man spat, "Green shit straight from a horse's soured stomach. Cross my path again and you're gonna see a bullet right between your puny eyes."

I had never wish a person dead or suffering greater than this man. I rose to my feet, rage radiating off me.

Drun turned back at me, his eyes flashing and a deep frown on his face. "Stay back." His voice cracked. "I can handle this." He turned back and asked calmly. "Have you anything else to say before I punch out your teeth?"

The man shook his head and turned away from us, mumbling threats and insults as he shuffled away. Drunrag stood still, tensed and ready for any retaliation.

When the man was gone, he finally turned back. I looked up to meet his gaze, my thanks and gratitude on my lips when I saw he wouldn't look at me. Instead, he walked passed me and retrieved his barrels before turning and beginning the walk off the docks towards the main part of the city.

"Drunrag." I breathed out. I shuddered to hear his name out loud like that. I wanted to say it loud and open like that all the time, for it was the name of my beloved. My hero. My fated partner.

"Don't." He said, his voice dark. "I'm doing everything I can to stop this from affecting us. Give me time and stay away as much as possible." He finally turned, his eyes were still fierce as he looked at me. "Please don't get into trouble again. I don't want to see you hurt."

He walked away from me, barrels in hands. I watched him walk away.

What could I say to him to make him stay?

I remembered then what he told me in the beginning. He didn't want to mate. He made the choice to not do it. It was never about me.

Whatever made me think that I could convince him that I was worth changing his mind for?

I bowed my head, I couldn't bear to see him walk away from me.

[sillyrainydays]

babbling about charlie spring and how important he is to me (tw for EDs, OCD, self-harm, and brief discussions of passive suicidal ideation !!)

i need to yap i need to babble. charlie spring guys. charlie spring probably means more to me than any character ever has. so many aspects of his character are deeply relatable to me and they give me so much hope. i just want to go into like. why . 1) having an ED that is not about his body image. i have ARFID. while my habits and symptoms are very different than his, seeing representation of a character with an eating disorder that is NOT related to body image or weight was so cool and important for me. 2) OCD. oh boy. i didn't even realize that i probably had OCD until i read heartstopper. i thought my obsessions were normal. i thought my compulsions were normal. i figured either (1) everyone had them and i was just having a harder time coping or (2) i was a bad person. having a character that shares those struggles really made me feel less alone. 3) this one is harder to talk about. i actually started struggling w sh a week before i read heartstopper for the first time. without going into detail, i was using a very superficial method and convinced myself that it didn't count, despite very much being self-harm. about a year and a half later, i started struggling with the same uh. methods. of self-harm that charlie did. i was terrified and ashamed, but charlie's arc made me feel less alone and less guilty. it reminded me that i could get better. i also wanted to specify that charlie's self-harm being specifically NSSI (non-suicidal self-injury) was SO important to me too. while i have definitely experienced passive suicidal ideation (and it is implied that charlie has too), my self-harm was NEVER done with suicidal intentions. (EDIT FORGOT TO MENTION: i am now 250 days clean :D) also surprise a fourth one! (4) his relationship with his mom. while my relationship with my mom is fairly different than his with his mom on the surface, there can be a lot of similarities. my mom and i don't fight because i don't really stand up for myself. but a lot of the time she says and does things that are fairly harsh and damaging to me. but, similarly to jane spring, my mom has good intentions. my mom's mom was terrible to her, so she never had that good example of a good parent and never had therapy to properly work through the trauma. like. anyways that's it charlie spring is so me! thank you alice oseman for creating a character that means. so so so much to me.

[queenlucythevaliant]

Here's what I'll say regarding choice of worship music (and I'm not 100% sure where I'm going with this, so bear with me): I think it's very easy to get burned out on specific kinds of worship, no matter what they are. And that kind of burn-out is hard.

I grew up at a church that did 95% CCM for worship, and after a while it either (a) exhausted me emotionally or (b) bored me. By the time I hit high school, I really really struggled with corporate worship because it felt as though I wasn't responding as I was supposed to. Getting to sing mostly hymns at the church I attended at college was a huge breath of fresh air, and it helped me immensely in terms of re-orienting my heart towards Christ-centered worship (as opposed to me-centered worship.) For the first time in my life, I found myself listening to Christian music on my own time during the week.

I watched the recent Jesus Revolution movie with mom over the summer. Her family started attending Calvary Chapel (then-nascent hippy church in Orange County) midway through her childhood, and she got really excited talking about the difference between the hymns she remembered from early elementary school ("we sang the whole hymnal rather than selecting for the really good ones like they do at your church") and the much more dynamic music that came out of Maranatha and other early "contemporary" Christian groups. She actually played me a whole bunch of the songs she grew up with the next morning. They sounded horrifically cheesy to me, but she got real joy out of it and even ended up texting a few songs to my aunt.

And yet, my mom has remarked a whole bunch of times to me that she really can't stand current CCM; that she desperately misses singing the old hymns. I look at myself and my own experience and I can totally see myself coming back to some of the CCM songs I grew up with and encountering Christ through them all new again. As recently as last month, I had a really beautiful experience driving back from a concert crazy late at night with my sister and listening to some of the old Chris Tomlin and Hillsong stuff that I hadn't heard in a while. It brought me back to a sense of incredible comfort and safety nestled up against God like a baby chick. Do I want to worship with that sort of music every week right now? No, definitely not. But it has its place.

Obviously worship transcends something as incidental as music genre. It's an expression of why we were created: glorifying God and enjoying him forever --- and yet, because of the fall, it's really easy to get burned out on specific expressions of worship. I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing so much as just a symptom of the fall. I also think that people who are really burned out on a particular kind of worship can be really, really obnoxious about it. I know I was for a while, and I still definitely have my hangups with CCM.

But like- I don't think it's so much about judgement or superiority towards the kind of worship music that you're burnt out on as it is just the overwhelming sense that that kind of worship music felt exhausting and this kind of music actually feels like I'm able to worship again. I know when I started singing hymns at church, it just felt like I'd found the Rosetta Stone. I was suddenly so much less in my own head on Sunday mornings and oh my goodness singing to God was a joy again and I can't remember but I don't think it's ever been a joy like this before has it?? It was almost like my head was spinning with some great new revelation and when I was obnoxious about it it was mostly a manifestation of my being like Why didn't anyone ever tell me it could be like this? Why isn't everyone singing hymns? It's just so much better this way!

Mostly, it just feels like saying "don't be overly critical of how other Christians like to worship" kind of. Misses the trees for the forest, if that makes sense? Like, it's accurate to the big picture, it's absolutely a true and worthwhile thing to say. But at the same time it kind of rankles for me because it misses how it feels to be truly and deeply alienated by the kind of worship you're exposed to.

For better and for worse, worship is (I think) the spiritual discipline that engages the emotions most directly. The feeling of being in a group of people all worshipping together, and your heart just isn't responding right no matter how you try to re-focus and orient it? It's one of the loneliest feelings I know.

[strawberrymilk-sunshine]

Jade with a reader who gets force fed mushrooms and he tries to tie you down and successfully does it

You ask for help from Azul and Floyd who are also scared shitless

Hehe

Warning(s): drugging, restraints used, force feeding, mushrooms (yuck!!)

Jade always trials his dishes on people before serving them to a wider audience of people.

Most of them involved mushrooms, which you (his primary tester) did not like.

You've tried protesting before, but that didn't exactly help you. Now he just doesn't tell you what he puts in the dishes.

You started refusing to eat whatever he gives you. He solved that issue by simply forcing you to eat. The claw marks all over your face remind you to never do that again.

But Jade could tell you were beginning to become unhappy with him. He needs to fix that.

"(Y/N), I'm sorry about everything that's been happening." Jade told you, holding some food on a plate. You looked at his left hand, covered in bandages. "Ah, I accidentally cut myself while making this."

...yeah, that makes sense.

"Well, thanks for apologizing, I guess..." You said.

"Can you please test this dish for me? There are no mushrooms, I promise you."

Would he lie to you?

Well, yes, but when there's nothing to gain from it? No, he wouldn't.

You took the plate of food from him.

You began to eat the food. He didn't lie, there were definitely no mushrooms, but... something was wrong.

"Oh dear, are you ok, (Y/N)?"

"M-my heart-!" You said, a hand on your chest. There was a terrible pain in your chest.

"Oh no, perhaps I accidentally mixed some of my blood into the food after I had cut myself!" Jade said, worried. "As a moray, my blood is highly poisonous, it causes muscles to cramp- including the heart." Jade explained. "But don't worry! I've created a cure just for this scenario, here, drink it!"

Jade handed you a cup of colourful liquid. Worried about your fucking heart stopping, you drank it without any second thoughts.

You immediately started feeling lightheaded.

You fell backwards and collided with the floor with a painful slam.

It only felt like a second.

When your eyes opened, you found yourself in a dark room.

"Ah, you're awake." You'd failed to notice Jade standing above you. "I assume you're hungry. My potion was a bit too effective, and you were asleep for two whole days."

"Come to think of it, y-yeah..." You mentioned, realizing just how hungry you were. You tried to get out of the bed, and started to freak out when you realized you couldn't move, at all.

"Shh, there's no reason to panic... I've simply done this to get the best results for us, (Y/N)..." Jade smiled. "You always try some amusing way of refusing... silly excuses that I see right through. So, if you have no way to refuse... efficiency will rise exponentially!"

"E-efficiency?" You asked. "What the hell are you talking about, Jade?!"

"I'm giving you a... 'promotion', let's call it. My personal trial customer." Jade said to you. "Aha... I'm sure you wonder how you got into this position, right?"

"No, you poisoned me with your blood and made me faint." You pouted.

"I actually didn't!" Jade happily told you. "I simply created a potion that would temporarily give the you the same symptoms as being poisoned by a moray! And then I gave you that fake 'cure' which was, in reality, a sleeping poison."

"What-?"

"Now, I have a dish I want you to try~"

This went on for weeks.

Weeks of having your jaws pried open so Jade could get you to eat his food. Weeks of Jade holding your mouth shut to prevent you from spitting the food out.

Weeks of successful sales at the Lounge.

"Say 'ahh', (Y/N), don't make me force feed you again."

He loved that he was in complete control of you. In fact, he would have shown his more sadistic side had it not been for his goal of wanting you to be his personal 'test subject' for lack of a better term.

One day, you woke up to see a note on the side table. Since you're tied to the bed you can't exactly pick it up to read it, but you could at least make out the words.

Kitchen is out of ingredients. Gone foraging, be back soon. - Jade Leech

He's gone?

He's gone!

Alright, time to enact your great escape!

The... great escape that... you haven't planned at all.

But just at that moment, there was a knock at the door.

"Jade? Are you in there? We need you at the Lounge!"

Was that Azul?

"Jade! Open this door! We need you back at the Lounge, we are severely understaffed!"

"He's not gonna answer, Azul."

"Fine. Floyd, please break the door down."

"What am I? Your mafia lackey?"

"Just break down the door please..."

"Fine. But you gotta let me say silly mafia lackey lines after you speak, got it?"

Then, the door was broken down.

"Jade, get back to the Lounge now! We need you!"

"Yeah, listen to the bawss or your gonna be sleeping with the fishes tonight! Eh?! Wait a minute... Shrimpy?! Is that you?"

"Wha- (Y/N)?! This is where you've been?!"

The pair immediately ran towards you, and Azul began untying you.

"You've been missing for weeks and you were right under our noses the whole time?" Azul asked, shocked. "What happened, why are you here?!"

"Jade. I tried to stop taste testing his dishes, he literally faked poisoning me with his blood, then gave me a potion that put me to sleep and when I woke up I was here." You explained.

Azul and Floyd both had a look you can only describe as disgust mixed with shock & horror.

"Poor soul, I can't even begin to imagine how horrible that must have been!" The way he worded it sounded like he was making fun of you, but the way he said it, the expression on his face... you could tell it was genuine.

"I knew he was kinda sadistic, but this? Way too far." Floyd added.

As you were fully untied, a certain someone entered the room.

"(Y/N), I got the ingredients! I can begin cooking for you again-" Then, Jade realized Azul and Floyd standing in his room with you, unrestrained. He was so shocked he dropped the mushrooms he was holding. "...I can explain, I swear."

That was useless.

All four of you knew he couldn't explain why you were tied to his bed.

"Jade, we talked about this." Azul sighed.

What does he mean by that. Has Jade done this before.

The answer is yes, but you don't need to know that.

[thoughtsaboutautism]

The romantization and trivialization of Autism Spectrum Disorder in the book "Unmasking Autism"

It's taken me a while to post this, even though I had the whole text written already. The problem is that every time I pick up this book or write anything about it I have a really hard time dealing with my emotions. This book is so bad and harmful that every time I have to think or read it – even if I'm doing so to criticize it – I have a hard time.

Anyways, I came across this table of "common, healthy autistic behaviors" (I didn't get that far in my reading yet) and I decided to make this post based on what I had already posted on Twitter.

The first thing that I need people to understand is that however you feel about your autism, however you identify, autism is, inherently, a severe developmental disorder that causes severe disability. You CANNOT have autism if you do not have deficits and impairments and I DO NOT CARE how you feel. Autism is classified so because people who have it need help, need A LOT OF help, REGARDLESS of whether we live in an accepting society or not and autism does not exist without impairment/deficit because if it did it would not be autism, it would simply be a personality trait.

The second thing that I need to say is that the traits listed on this table absolutely do exist in ASD but they are being put in an extremely romanticizing way and if one experiences ASD purely as described on this chart, then they likely do not have ASD. This is the exact problem with Tiktok, Twitter and other social media current content about autism, it's shallow, lacks context and is romanticizing. This kind of content is why so many people end up self-diagnosing with autism without actually having it, it's why people like myself – who have more difficulties – have a harder time fitting in, because current autism advocacy, such as this book and other social platforms, are advertising a type of autism that is cute and fun and easy to deal with, while autism is an extremely difficult condition to live with not only for the autistic person but for their family and friends as well. By advertising this cute, quirky autism, you are once again, like the autism community has always done since "Aspies for Freedom", leaving out those of us who are most marginalized. And I dare to say that this does not only happen to high support needs, but low needs people too who don't fit the new ASD criteria you have created.

Now, about the chart, the first sentence says: "intense studying of a new favorite topic". Not only is this type of wording extremely vague and could apply to literally anyone, but it's also undermining the intensity and the reality of having a special interest. Having a special interest is time consuming to the point of losing sleep, not using the bathroom, not showering, eating or interacting with others. A special interest itself causes so much self-stimulation that many people end up having meltdowns from overstimulation, a support worker once contacted me for help because their patient was so excited about Doctor Who that they'd talk about it to the point where they'd hyperventilate and trigger a panic attack and even lightheadedness due to lack of oxygen. Well, for myself I have experienced similar symptoms, like when I almost failed high school because all I could think about was this one TV Show I liked? Or when I almost passed out from crying and excitement from seeing Katy Perry at a concert when I was 15? Or when I was taken out of class on my first day of University because I was so excited about the topic we were studying I started making noises and disrupting the class? Or when I triggered a meltdown because I spent the whole day studying this same topic to the point where I overwhelmed myself?

"Not noticing sounds or social signals when focusing on an engrossing task": oh, do you mean when my dad and uncle accidentally mixed two chemicals to clean our pool causing a mild explosion in our backyard and a toxic fog that came into our house and I didn't hear my mom calling for me because I was too focused on a book I was reading? Or do you mean when I was a kid when I would be so focused on lining up my toys or watching the fan that I could literally spend hours and hours without having any other type of interaction which could lead to neurological damage because I wasn't using language and interacting with anyone? Or do you mean when autistic kids are usually so interested in objects that they barely recognize and acknowledge other people, leading to difficulties with development of language, cognitive and motor skills? A lot of autistic kids need to go to speech therapy, ABA or early interventions because we could very easily spend our whole days focused on a task or a toy to the point where we won't interact with anyone, which could lead to serious neurological issues such as completely lack of functional language. Social interaction is key to development of language and other important skills that will improve an autistic person's life, including those who are nonverbal and have very high support needs, and the fact that many autistic people won't acknowledge sounds or people interacting with them when they're focused is dangerous for their physical and mental health. See here the problem of intensity? How this book is shallow and lacks true understanding of ASD? Everybody happens to ignore one or two things if they're focused, doing it constantly to the point where it's dangerous and almost impossible for anyone to interact with the person is ASD.

"Needing to know exactly what to expect before entering an unfamiliar situation": yes, absolutely, every time I have to go to a new doctor my family has to call them beforehand, make sure they can see someone like me, ask them whatever procedures or exams they plan on doing and STILL I have to take extremely strong medication to allow doctors to touch me and for me not to have a meltdown because it's a new situation. Do you know what else? Needing a support worker with me on my very first day at University because the thought of going to this unfamiliar situation was so overwhelming I needed support, and still do every once in a while. Of course this is an extremely healthy behavior and doesn't cause any distress at all. Of course that I will always have people to tell me exactly what's going to happen to lessen my anxiety a little bit but still have a meltdown in the end (irony).

"Sticking to a very rigid schedule and rejecting deviations to that schedule": this wouldn't be a problem in a neurotypical person who can easily adapt to changes and eventual issues that come up in our daily lives. Unfortunately, I hate to say that most autistic people like myself deal with inevitable changes by banging their head against the wall causing themselves a concussion. Good changes? Bad changes? Ugh, it doesn't really matter. "I was finally hired to this job I have been rooting for in a long time", too bad dude, all your schedule will change and the only way you can cope with that is by having multiple meltdowns and eventually needing to be put to bed under the affect of Xanax. "Amanda, your cousin stopped by to make a quick visit", ugh, sorry, I wasn't expecting that pleasant surprise, I unfortunately must have an anger attack and self harm to cope with my feelings. "Amanda, your grandmother died and now your mom is staying home for a week on a grief work-leave", hum, not really on my schedule, will have to spend the next days trying to not sound like a dick to my mom because she disrupted my routine and I am having many conflicting feelings while she is dealing with the death of her mother. "Amanda, you have to come home right now because your grandfather just died and we have to travel for his funeral", ugh absolutely normal and healthy behavior to have a full blown meltdown in the Uni hallway because I wasn't planning my granddad's death and needing to be helped by a Professor who then called 911 because she didn't know what to do with me.

"Spending hours or days alone sleeping and recharging after a socially demanding event or stressful project": clear example of trivializing ASD. For most autistic people, even for people who have low support needs, socially demanding events cause episodes of mutism, inability to do any task at all, inability to shower, eat, take care of themselves, work. Autistic people aren't just chilling on their couch watching TV after a social interaction. Autistic people are laying in bed, feeling sick, having symptoms such as fever and panic attacks, feeling overwhelmed. I would argue this applies mostly to low needs people because for people like myself and other higher support needs people I know and live with, social events are not even a possibility in the first place.

"Needing 'all the information' before coming to a decision": this one absolutely pisses me off. When I need to make a decision I do need all the information, but not only the information available, I really need ALL the information that I WANT, regardless of whether it makes sense or not, such as wanting to know what will happen if X is chosen, but how will you know for sure something about the future? And no, I cannot let it go, autism causes something called cognitive rigidity, which makes every thought and feeling get stuck in an eternal loop which we are mostly unable to stop. On my second year of University I had to make a decision to follow a degree in Hebrew or Linguistics. I needed all the information. But the information that I needed was "how will I do on the linguistics tests if I choose this degree?" and "how will I be able to complete all the Literature courses on the Hebrew degree if I have a hard time with reading and comprehension?". This was one of the hardest times in my life when I got stuck in thoughts to which there were no answers for and this caused me extreme anxiety and distress.

"Not knowing how they feel or needing a few days to figure out how they feel about something": this is the number one reason to why I will bang my head against the wall. Not knowing how I feel, not understanding how I feel is an extremely distressing experience if not to say dangerous. Many autistic people don't notice serious illness and symptoms because they just don't understand that whatever they are feeling is normal. Luckily, I have had fewer experiences with that, but I know people whose appendix were bursting and they thought it was just a stomach ache. Last week I got up feeling weird. I didn't understand what it was, I thought it was anxiety. I went to my therapy appointment and came out still feeling a little bit off. I get home and vomit for 10 minutes straight in the bathroom and proceeded to have one of the worst food poisoning I've ever had. I had to be taught what feeling happy was, I had to be taught what feeling sad was. I have to be taught how to comprehend simple human emotions and how to understand them in my body because I simply cannot understand them. I am 22 years old. This is not healthy, this is not normal. This causes extreme distress, this is dangerous. And at least I can communicate to some extent how I'm feeling but there are family friends whose kids' are completely nonverbal with very little functional language. Whenever something changes in their mood, they have to be taken to the hospital to make sure it's nothing physical because they cannot communicate or comprehend their emotions.

"Needing a rule or instruction to 'make sense' before they can follow it": again, cute and quirky if you're an adult and the only situation you can think about this is things like "ugh, why would I treat my boss any different just because of a made up hierarchy?", not so fun when it's an adult person who cannot understand danger and thinks that riding the car with the seatbelt doesn't make sense. Not so fun when it's a 30 year-old man who doesn't understand what the police is and might act improperly around them, risking his life. Not so fun when it's a 12 year-old kid who doesn't understand death and thinks that playing "killing his sister" (by choking her) is fun. These are all real people I've met in my life.

"Not putting energy toward expectations that seem unfair or arbitrary": again, quirky if you're an autistic woman who doesn't see a point in make up, not so quirky when these things are like me, who sees exercising as totally pointless and I could very much spend the rest of my days not doing absolutely anything to move my body. Not so quirky when the expectations are actually adult people who don't understand the need to shower or personal hygiene.

I think I have made it a bit clearer with my examples how incredibly romanticizing this book is. It's a shame that so many people see this as some kind of autism bible when it's a book made by someone who we don't even know if is truly diagnosed with autism, with an extremely shallow understanding of ASD and complete disregard to the impairing nature of ASD. As I said before, ASD is inherently a condition that causes deficits and impairments and people who – most of the time aren't even diagnosed – don't get to redefine and trivialize the reality of living with autism, specially with someone with higher support needs. We can talk about different experiences of autism, we can talk about differences between high and low support needs, but we need to do it carefully in order to not trivialize what ASD really is – which is exactly the opposite of what this book does.

[ojbrush]

I dont have motivation to draw but you know what i do have? Ranting about OJ headcanons!

Hi gang i lobe OJ inanimate insanity and here are some in depth headcanons i have and imade sure to research alot about certain things but if i get asnything wrong that is on me and i aspologise OKAY!!!! GIGGLE OJ has Dyscalculia, BPD, and is autistic :3 Dyscalculia is a math learning disability that impairs an individual's ability to learn number-related concepts, perform accurate math calculations, reason and problem solve and preform OTHER!! basic math skills!!! >_< this is just a silly headcanon that may just be projection because i miighhtt have this myself!?!?! but not too sure maybe i just suck at math. WITH AUTISM . this guy does not get social cues, does NOT enjoy change. it makes him anxious, as shown a few times iirc. He gets obsessed with stuff and really never truly stops. Probably one reason why he works so much is because he gets so obsessed with working with stuff that he just doesnt stopo !!! He's also insanely impulsive. although he is a little mature he mainly doesnt think before he speaks, plus he gets very angry over the littlest of things which brings inn!!! BPD!!!! THIS GUY.. as shown in the show multiple times, he has terrible abandonment issues and tries so hard to make sure NOBODY leaves him again. the thought absolutely terrifies him. Despite getting so insanely angry over things (a recent example is when he and paintbrush fought in season 3 episode 4) and having awful and shaky relationships with others.. which causes people to leave him / abandon him. He also has impulsive and risky behaviours (which also ties into his autism traits) such as ALSO ruining okay relationships because of sometjing he thought of someone, thinking they are bad and will hurt him.

(Plus, even better, the hotel OJ canonically has had a casino OJ created!! which could also tie into the impulsive and risky behaviors with gambling!!) what ties with the fact he has intense anger, is also shown with the amount of times hes actually HAD a fight with someone in the show. let it be Bomb, Paintbrush, Paper. Sometimes it can get quite physical!!!

Which also brings us with Taco, since shes a whole thing with this guy. Despite him not being directly effected by her, She still tried to steal HIS prize!! He didnt like that. He got angry with that. he didnt truly show it, but we can tell he did. since everytime Taco is mentioned within his vicinity he gets pretty angry. This could tie with this symptom of bpd since he did, slightly like Taco before it all. Although thinking she was a little stupid, and useless. But this believing Taco is cruel, or doesnt care at all, has lasted over 12 years. So its more of a longtime thing. Which is also something with bpd, having a long time, long lasting hatred, angry, or just a strong emotion about something or someone. or nothing at all!!

Oh and by the way, this guy has a HORRIBLE time keeping good relationships, they usually end because of something he thought of someone. Such as Bombs "betrayal" in season 1, and he thought Bomb was horrible and hated him for a time. Or trying to dump Paper because of how he thought he was going to leave him. OJ has abandonment issues, and with this, gets angry at others for trying to leave him and abandon him, when they really aren't. Or he believes they are cruel and they do not give a shit about him or anyone's well being and tries to just. not associate with them, but he does eventually get them back. Well, sometimes atleast!!! also, to add onto Autistic traits HE GETS ANXIOUS AND UNEASY AROUND FIGHTS WITH OTHER PEOPLE / YELLING / LOUD NOISES !! as seen with the scene where EVERYONE is fighting in episode 1 season 3!!!

And although it could be because hes glass and easily broken, he gets scared when someone raised their voice at him, and looks as if they are going to attack him. But he also gets angry, and starts to fight back. maybe as a defense mechanism but whoo knows! (Note; this one may just be a headcanon, nothing in the show really suggests this but it is also pretty likely he WOULD do this!! he does have a history of snapping back at others and arguing with them if he feels threatened) also i would like to mention his constant state of worry about not being able to work. When he went to season 3 because he was invited, it is implied he rarely ever takes vacations / breaks from working. he says "I'm not too sure im on board with this vacay...--vacayggayu. AUGHj." (he doesnt even know how to say the word!) this could tie into obsessive behaviours?!?!? and if we think about it, it causes him excessive stress and worry. Anxiety about leaving the hotel to a different caretaker while hes on his break. Which he BARELY ever takes, mind you. Autism, and bpd symptoms in themself. He also has a lack of fear, but when something becomes too overwhelming he may overreact and have more fear than usual / expected of him. So yeah!!! little OJ thing, this is just because im insane about this guy. uhhh somethings may be inaccurate but hey, im just having fun and making reallyyy in-depth headcanons about a fictional juice, so. Happy days!

[comorbidityqueen]

071024

Understanding the importance of identity has never really occurred to me. When my psychologist told me "am i right to assume you struggle with identity because you had a significant trauma in your formative years of life", i didn't know how to react. I had no idea my brain injury was a trauma, i was never told that, and the relentless bullying and ableism after my stroke at school, whilst in a wheelchair relearning how to walk again only reiterated to me, that my self worth forming at the start of adolescence was nothing short of teaching me to hate myself. So when i spent a decade of my life self harming, using drugs and alcohol, creating trauma by submerging myself in toxic relationships and situations, i never took the time to understand the lack of identity i formed. I was put on medication after medication that changed my brain more and after multiple overdoses, unaliving attempts and psychotic episodes and a bpd diagnosis, i was growing tired of trying to erase something that couldn't be. I tried hard to move into acceptance. I got sober, i focused on my stroke rehabilitation, and i learnt the self love i was so desperately seeking to have when i was younger, and that looked different than i thought. I had to learn to love a version of myself, my now authentic self, that not only was i taught to hate, but something i never anticipated living with. The grief was endless, the process was and still is incredibly difficult, but im learning to love myself regardless of the physical body i live in and the complexity that is being me.

a few days after my last physio session its afternoon. i'm having seizures, im dissociating, zoning out, barely comprehensible. This is what it looks like to rewire my brain.

I learnt how to walk again for the 3rd time in my life at physiotherapy and after i joke with my student physio that only having knives left means eating cereal is hard she demonstrates to me how my walking looks without my new foot drop AFO. After telling her wow that was dramatic and laughing with her i realise that in fact how i learnt (or adapted to walking) was not correct, and it's caused quite a lot of dysfunction in my hip, knee, heel and toes. So after coming up with the HKHT acronym and also laughing about that i spend almost an hour and half learning how to walk again. I think to myself at the time oh this is nice i wont be in pain the next day from doing the reformer or weights yet that afternoon i had never been so cognitively and mentally fatigued in my life. I had disordered speech, i could barely walk and i couldn't even concentrate enough to wind down and sleep or play animal crossing. I had seizures, and i couldn't leave my bed.

When i had an assessment for a new therapy program the next week the psychiatrist told me it was okay to be different and i replied with "is it", because despite the days where i feel like i have purpose in this world i have plenty more of feeling like i'm tired of fighting. He re-diagnosed me with bpd and told me see a neuropsychiatrist to help me navigate the correlation between my brain injury and psychiatric symptoms.

The week that followed i had some of the worst mental health episodes and when i realise the link between my brain injury and my mental health, i spend every waking moment focusing on not relapsing and staying alive. I go to AA, and visit the urgent mental health care centre, i spend time feeling safe in my partners arms. someone i never anticipated meeting yet after all the years of me feeling like people's safe house, i'm very grateful to have found the person that makes me feel safe, and at home.

I wake up in fight or flight over the next two weeks, start group therapy and go to AA, as well as spending time with my partner. I go to a brain injury SA social event, and work hard on processing trauma in a healthy way in sobriety. Sometimes feeling safe is hard yet at the same time i am very grateful to be here.

Here's to hoping the pain eases.

[drowninginredink]

Hi! It's me, autistic Chosen anon.

Firstly, I appreciate it that you took the time to share more of your experiences with me. I've actually read your reply multiple times now, and I have to say, it's very sobering. Especially in the sense that I recognise so much of it.

Just one(1) personal example, the part where you talk about already fixating on delusional thought processes as a kid. I did that too! Except in my case it developed into mood and anxiety disorders as I got older, instead of overt psychosis. Look, I already had compassion for psychotic people of all types, because life simply dealt you a very difficult hand. But it also felt like something distant from me. And it really isn't. You were right. We're not that different at all. ALSO, as we're seeing more and more of these overlaps and interconnections between all kinds of diagnoses, I think there's A LOT to be said about the approach of the psychiatric field as well as the neurodivergency and mental illness communities...

That being said, cheers to you, my fellow in neurodivergency, and thanks again!

Oh Jesus, do not get me started on my issues with diagnoses. I thought about going into it in that reply and I was like "you know what? Too complicated, too personal, and too much baggage." But if you're bringing it up? Let's go.

So. I am not actually diagnosed with schizophrenia. My official diagnosis is "other specified schizophrenia spectrum or other psychotic disorder." I think you can see why I simplify to schizophrenia. But also, I was not diagnosed by the actual DSM criteria. I was diagnosed by a research clinic attached to a university that is trying to get the criteria for various psychotic disorders changed for the DSM-6, and to get their own evaluation to become the standard instead of the current ones. The thing is, their evaluation is much stricter than the current criteria. By the DSM? You need to fit at least 2 of 4 categories of symptoms (which I do). By this clinic, you need to have all 16 of 16 of their categories of symptoms. The last time they evaluated me, I had 11 of 16. If I were evaluated by other clinicians? They'd just diagnose me as schizophrenic. In fact, I've explained this to other medical professionals and had them say, "what? 11 out of 16 is definitely enough to be schizophrenic? You definitely don't need every symptom?" So as much as yes, I do not have every classic symptom and my schizo-spec experience is non-traditional... There's a reason I have no problem just calling myself schizophrenic these days.

The clinic very much is doing that thing where you try to solve a problem and end up creating new problems. The problem is that a lot of people have what are called sub-threshold psychotic symptoms. Basically, psychotic symptoms without ever going into a state of actual psychosis, or completely disconnecting from reality. I personally am not convinced that there is a hard line between experiencing symptoms and having "actual psychosis." Like, these therapists say I have never had real, full psychosis, but I have been pretty goddamn delusional. I sure wasn't functional! I was out of school! I was constantly fixated on my delusions! I was in a state of severe distress! And the onset of my delusions was a pretty sudden thing to the point that I can tell you the exact date and time. It was my birthday. Lucky me. Anyway. Point is. There are a lot of people who experience these symptoms who, unlike me, will never reach the point where anyone would diagnose them as schizophrenic. Right now, they are slipping through the cracks because there is no diagnosis to give them. There is a push to treat them, but coming from the idea that people with these symptoms are in the early, pre-psychosis state of schizophrenia (the term here, if you want to google it, is prodromal psychosis). The idea is that treatment in this early stage will prevent people from ever actually reaching full psychosis. That's why the clinic started. But as they did research, they discovered that even without treatment, only 20% of these people will actually develop "real" schizophrenia and "real" psychosis. This isn't just the early phases of schizophrenia; it's a separate thing of people with more mild symptoms existing who will never convert to schizophrenia. The term that they want to be in the DSM-6 is Attenuated Psychosis Syndrome. Attenuated means less severe. So literally, "it's like you have real psychosis but less bad." Needless to say, I fucking hate this term. It's still better than their original term that they're moving away from, though, which is Clinical High Risk syndrome. Literally just "well, you're at risk of developing a real disorder."

To use autism as a metaphor, it's like if people noticed that hey, a lot more people seem to be autistic than we are actually diagnosing. Right now we're just diagnosing the people with high support needs who are super disabled by it. But other people could use recognition and help too. But instead of just lowering the criteria for what counts as autism, they say "hey, let's invent Asperger's syndrome." You know. That diagnosis that doesn't exist anymore for good reasons.

And then, also, how do we communicate with these people with Asperger's syndrome? Instead of saying "hey, you're autistic, and that's okay and awesome and valid," we say "while yes, you're on the autism spectrum, don't worry. You're not actually autistic. You're not one of those people, and you'll probably never have real autism. Don't go calling yourself autistic. You're not one of them." Yes, you heard me right... They actually have the gall to tell people like me "you're on the psychotic spectrum, but you're not psychotic. You can't call yourself psychotic." Which... What? That's not how spectrums work? The entire attitude of the clinic is "don't worry. You're not schizophrenic. You don't have psychosis. I know those people are scary. Don't worry. You're not one of the scary people with the scary thing." They look at the stigma and instead of even trying to fight it, they say "don't worry. You're not one of the stigmatized group."

So imagine being me. You just got a diagnosis that doesn't actually exist. If you google it (which is hard because they're using about 5 different names for it and can't just decide on one), you'll find a bunch of information that is either in scientific papers that are only written for other psychiatric people to read and not laymen, or information that is outdated compared to what the clinic is now discovering (stuff saying that sub-threshold symptoms only exist as the prodromal phase of schizophrenia). You feel alone as shit, because of course you do, the entire world thinks that psychotic people are cr*zy freaks. So you start looking to psychotic and schizophrenic people for community. You start identifying with them. When explaining your mental health, you just call yourself psychotic. And what do your therapists say? "No. You can't call yourself one of them. You are on their spectrum, but you're not really one of them. Doesn't it make you feel better to know you're not one of the freaks?" No. It doesn't. I'm already one of the freaks, and you've just cut me off from the only community I have because you've given me a diagnosis without any recognition or community. The reason I'm now confidently able to say "fuck you, I am a real psychotic and a real schizophrenic" is because I haven't been part of that clinic for two years so no one is telling me that anymore. The bounds of their studies mean that you can only be treated by them for 2 years and then you get kicked out because if you make it to 2 years without developing "real" psychosis, their research says that you never will, and they are still sort of operating under that original mission of keeping people with prodromal schizophrenia from going into psychosis. While I was still there, the way they tried to distance me from the rest of the spectrum as if that was a positive thing fucked me up. I felt so alone for so long, and I felt guilty for associating with and seeing myself in "real" schizophrenics.

I think the model we've reached with autism is where we should go with schizophrenia. Just call everything "schizophrenia spectrum disorder" (Yes I know autistic people hate ASD as a label because of the disorder part, but I think even the proudest schizophrenics who like and embrace some of their symptoms and don't want them all fixed still agree that it is a disorder. Yes, not all delusions actually need to be cured. Some of them can be positive and beneficial, even if personally none of mine ever have been. But stuff like disorganized thinking, anhedonia, and catatonia are always awful, and they're part of the package too). People who are currently going undiagnosed and who attenuated psychosis syndrome was coined for are the low-support needs end, and people who are currently diagnosed with schizophrenia are the high-support needs end. It's not exactly a perfect correlary, but I think it's reasonable. Unfortunately, while I don't know what's going to actually happen with the DSM-6 (which is still probably a good ten years out since a revision of the DSM-5 was released last year), as far as I know no one is proposing that. God knows when we'll ever get a reasonable and destigmatizing approach to the schizophrenia spectrum, but not any time soon.

God that was long. Well, thank you for giving me an excuse to rant. Basically, fuck the medical model, fuck the DSM, and fuck the people who are trying to change the DSM, too.

[rodolfoparras]

alec alec i found a scrap bit from mt old projecr, explaining a plague in the story qnd now i am subjecting u to reading it 💗

there used to be a plague (Amanita yersinia) going around, one that was so severe it wiped off nearly half of the Volokean population. at first, the infected would feel a few symptoms, such as:

toad skin: slight, barely noticeable bumps across their skin, one that neither the infected themselves or anyone else knew where it came from paired with slight change in hue across their arms; the tips of their fingers would turn a soft greenish hue, one that's barely noticeable at first glance. day by day, it only grew. the greenish colour crawling up the infected's arm, and paired with the bumps on their body, it makes it look like as if there's moss under their skin.

‌vomiting pure black, whether it's liquid or something solid– resembling food the infected had eaten prior to vomiting it out.

there would be much severe symptoms, however, such as:

‌the infected would begin to vomit out moss, the colour of it black from the previous "vomiting black liquid and/or solid"

‌the infected's eyes would have moss growing in place of them right when they're about to die. once they passed, the moss starts to grow and eventually turns into mushroom.

think of the severe symptoms as stages of decomposition, like the moss/mushroom is eating them up from the inside. these symptoms might be less noticeable on older people. if not treated properly (*cough cough* the government limiting the cure only for the rich), the elderly would slowly begin to rot. on surface level, it would seem as if the infected elder died out of no where, but once you've gotten a closer look– oh, is it not obvious! their rotting body would still look like any other person, sick with a simole fever, but they're actually nearly dead!!

ya lol, i think i named the plague after some sort of plant that i can't remember (i think it was a mushroom of some sort). this plague doesn't have that much effect on the timeline of the ACTUAL story, so it's just a side information because it's the cause of the main character's mother's death.

this has NOTHING to do with the florian & milanko project so uh :3

-🧼 (I'M SO SORRY FOR THE SPAM I DON'T HAVE ANYONE ELSE TO TALK TO ABOUT THESE BECAUSE ALL OF MY FRIENDS ALREADY KNOW) (HAVE A GREAT DAY ALEC, STAY SAFE!!)

Sugar how do yall manage to think of this kind of lore like where do you gain inspo how does a process like this look like bc i genuinely could never see myself conjuring up a whole plague and creating symptoms and timelines and how it would work in society yall genuinely amaze me!!

Also a very creepy/ neat plague concept! I don’t know why but I feel like the bumps on the skin would look like when one scrunches their chin and maybe even feel like such and for some reason that freaks me out but in a good way!! Idk if you’ve seen chin muscles under a microscope but they look terrifying 😭

Also although the process is very dark I think it would produce such cool art, for example I think it would look super cool seeing a person at the finale stage of the plague especially the details with the moss for eyes!!

[bunny-hoodlum]

Saw you mention ADHD inattentive? And I had not heard the specific kind of adhd but what you described sounds true to me (also can’t do a diagnosis right now). But I’d consider myself a very creative person. I want to create freely like I did as a child, improve, and excel but I struggle with the motivation. I end up scrolling on my phone or watching tv. How do you manage that or deal with it without being hard on yourself? Thank you for your time!

So I've been looking into ADHD more seriously in the past three years. I've had bouts of anhedonia and the most recent one last for two years and it got to the point where I couldn't even watch or read two-seconds of anything without it feeling utterly painful and I had no idea what the hell that was about. But I at least had the awareness after it happened often enough that my attention span was fucked and I genuinely didn't seen to latch onto or enjoy anything anymore and I thought 'Wow, guess this is adulthood for me, sheesh'.

I also thought back to myself as kid growing up, some things I knew I did and some things I did that had been told me. Apparently my dad thought I might be autistic when I was 4, but never followed up on that. Nobody cared that I was a good test taker but rarely ever turned in homework. Oh, ooh, she must just not care, wah. My mom told me stories as an infant that align with me being an HSP baby, and I def have Rejection Dysphoria which is kinda getting better but sometimes still results in petty Splitting spirals. 😅

Sorry, none of this has to do with your question but maybe it'll useful to someone else. 😅

So the funny thing is, I am not addicted to social media. 😭 I barely use it. So I don't have anything personal I provide about that, but you could try going minimal on your phone. Just dummy the hell out of it. Remove apps, etc. I know companies be breaking how their shit works on mobile browser, at least for me, the site gets app-blocked basically. "Open in App", "Get our App", ugh. 🙄😮‍💨 But when you make distractions harder to get to, you can readjust your reliance on it. Backtracking slightly, I used this method to cut off my 'addiction' to Reddit. I still rly don't get hooked on socmed otherwise. 🤔 I always bookmark stuff or keep the tabs open, and say I'll get to it later. 😅 I'm always accruing things for myself or some creative endeavor. I kinda relate to Markiplier in that way, that the only time he hangs with his friends or makes friends is if it's during a project. His whole life rotates around the next idea and the next idea. 😅 Forgive me, I'm rambling quite a bit.

Tldr; make distractions more inconvenient, lol.

If you feel like your symptoms are unmanageable, their could be other disorders that you need to take care of. Some ADHD-havers need stimulants and others need anti-depressants.

I'm a stimulant-type. I started taking a $30 B-complex supplement when I noticed that Monster energy made me feel better. I get high caffeine blend plus 2 shots of espresso from my preferred gas station. As a female, I had to pay attention to my PMS symptoms making me sleepier than ever. Some shit got out of balance and I was a goner for the following two weeks.

Your next question about not beating yourself up. My suggestion is trying meditation, maybe getting an ONO roller or something like it, something to make your hands busy when you're trying to devote your attention to something. Just focus on clearing away the background processes of anxiety in your internal task manager and try to visualize how you'll feel when you get that thing done.

Like, I still procrastinate on folding the laundry. It'll literally take me 20 mins or less and I can watch videos while I do it, but I just don't for rly no good reason. 😅 But it's better to feel guilty while doing the thing you've been avoiding, then feeling better after becuz it's done. And then maybe the guilt lessens becuz you've created this routine and positive association, 'Hey, I can do this thing. Hey, this actually takes no time at all.' You know?

I'm no expert and everyone's experience is different. But I recommend looking into it more for yourself. The HowToADHD channel is a pretty good one to start with. They are like the definitive channel for sure. I know that Dr. K put out smthn a couple years ago as well, but all in all, you can only do your best and try to retrain how you do things. There's stuff too like the Pomodoro Effect... 🤔 Just try to find what works for you! Even rn I'm so distracted with writing that I haven't been drawing at all, so I'm just managing myself, pretty much just scraping by. 😅

Oh yeah, I started opening all the cabinets to make putting dishes away easier. Idk if that's useful to you, lol. ADHD requires quirky solutions, haha.

Sorry this turned out so long! I'm wishing you all the luck! 🙏🤗

[translations-dark-matter]

Living as an Extra in an Omegaverse novel

Side story Chapter 12

When Se-hyeon got together with Shin Tae-oh, he thought he was being marked, or at least getting close to it. Otherwise, I can't explain the strange symptoms that happened to me.

Shin Tae-oh also said it was because of him, so Se-hyeon also thought he was the cause.

But Se-hyeon wasn't the type to just say, "That's it," so he searched for it. Since pheromones are such an unpredictable thing, many people other than Se-hyeon asked questions.

From hormonal issues to marking as the reason why pheromones are not regulated, there were only ambiguous answers that may or may not seem correct.

As I was thinking about what to do, I got a call from Yoo Jin-ha. Se-hyeon made an appointment to meet right away.

'Why didn't I think of it until now?'

Yoo Jin-ha's bonding with Ha Min-hyuk was part of the original work.

It was the ending.

So, I told my story to the person with experience in marking, and Yoo Jin-ha summed up the situation with a serious face.

“So, are you saying that the spontaneous release of pheromones is one of the reactions caused by marking?”

"Huh."

Se-hyeon nodded seriously. Yoo Jin-ha doesn't know everything about marking bonds, but just in case.

“Uhm, first of all, I’ve never been like that before.”

He told Yoo Jin-ha that it was something he had never experienced, so Se-hyeon drank water to hide his regret. Perhaps because it was stuffy, I drank water better than coffee.

“But if you think about when I was marked by it...”

Although he was disappointed for a moment, Se-hyeon raised his head at the fascinating story.

“When I was marked, it felt like everything in my body was being reorganized. Do you think the pheromones are coloured, just like when you put a shot in clear water, it changes colour?”

When Jin-ha talked about bond marking as if he was explaining a food he had never tried before, Se-hyeon tried to come up with a rough picture. The reconstruction of pheromones was something that was only mentioned in a documentary, so it didn't really hit me.

“Min-hyuk says it seems like his ego was created by pheromones. When I show up, pheromones start to come out.”

It meant that even though it was marked the same way, each person felt it differently.

“It seems like not everyone feels the same way, so maybe that’s the answer?”

“Uh... roughly?”

It's not the right answer for me, but I thought I could leave it as a possibility.

Se-hyeon looked back at Yoo Jin-ha with a relaxed smile. It felt like it had been a long time since I had seen Yoo Jin-ha again, as I had only seen him briefly during the last event.

"What's up?"

Se-hyeon rested his chin and asked Yoo Jin-ha how he was doing.

“Well, it’s the same as usual. Working at a company and dating.”

Yoo Jin-ha stirred his ice with the straw and related his unremarkable daily life. Although he says it's the same as before, Yoo Jin-ha, whom Se-hyeon saw, was not the same as before.

'It's changed a lot.'

When something big happens, changes happen even if you don't want them to.

Yoo Jin-ha's soft face has gained a firm will toward his love. The fact that he became attached to Ha Min-hyuk must have started with that change of heart.

"Ah! Some things have become more comfortable.”

Yoo Jin-ha put down his straw and raised his head as if he had thought of something new.

“I am free from pheromones.”

"Huh?"

Se-hyeon tilted his head to one side as no image immediately came to mind.

“After marking, I can no longer feel other alphas’ pheromones.”

“Ah... that’s right.”

I remember reading about marking, but it was one of those things that didn't immediately come to mind unless I experienced it myself.

One of the effects of marking is that one cannot feel the pheromones of another alpha and at the same time becomes sensitive to the pheromones of one's own alpha.

“It was awkward at first because the pheromones that I always smelled were gone, but once I got used to it, it couldn’t be more comfortable.”

That emotion was clearly visible on Yoo Jin-ha's face, showing that he really enjoyed being with Ha Min-hyuk.

As in the original, the main shou (bottom) and the main gong (top) met as if by fate, fell in love, and entered into each other's hearts.

Now Se-hyeon could look at Yoo Jin-ha with peace of mind. I did not interfere with their love and even found my own love within it.

'This is the real conclusion.'

The perfect finish.

“Chief Ahn?”

“Huh? Uh…”

Se-hyeon, who was looking at Yoo Jin-ha's face, belatedly responded to the voice calling him.

“If you’re really worried, why don’t you go to the hospital?”

It’s not like Se-hyeon didn’t think about the field of medical science. However, after hearing that Shin Tae-oh had asked his doctor first, I postponed the decision because I thought it was really nothing.

“Just watch a little longer.”

Because you can go anytime.

Se-hyeon responded with a light heart.

***

The look in Shin Tae-oh's eyes when he looked at Ha Jin-seong was sad.

“Shin Tae-oh. If you’re going to see it that way, go sit somewhere else.”

“Then shall I look at you lovingly?”

Shin Tae-oh and Ha Jin-seong showed their displeasure with each other as it was a party prepared by an alumnus who returned after a long period of studying abroad.

“Love is shit. If you’re going to cheat, break up with Se-hyeon.”

“Let’s not mention someone else’s lover’s name carelessly. If anyone hears it, they’ll think you’re friends with my lover.”

“We’re close. I still don't like him dating you.”

“That's proof."

"Stop."

Someone appeared and grabbed Ha Jin-seong and Shin Tae-oh by the shoulders.

Choi Han-byeol, the alumni who called the two here, smiled awkwardly at the tense confrontation that showed no signs of backing down.

“Why are we fighting like this in a place where I should be welcomed?”

“You should have chosen just one person to welcome you.”

Ha Jin-seong slapped away Choi Han-byeol’s hand.

“Are you telling me to choose between you two now? That can't be happening."

Choi Han-byeol held Ha Jin-seong’s shoulder tightly again.

“You are important to me, and Tae-oh is also important.”

Shin Tae-oh only looked at Choi Han-byeol with annoyed eyes, as if he was too bothered to even remove his hand.

“You guys are still the same.”

Ha Jin-seong, Shin Tae-oh, and Choi Han-byeol took his place between the two, saying that out of courtesy they would not show even a single smile.

“Tell me how you’ve been.”

“Aren’t you the one who went to study abroad?”

“I just study and have nothing to say. But you guys lived quite a spectacular life?”

Everything. The reason why Choi Han-byeol was placed between the two was revealed.

“You bastard, that’s why you called me here, right?”

Ha Jin-seong gritted his teeth at Choi Han-byeol's dark intentions.

“Ha Jin-seong did something ugly.”

And before Choi Han-byeol could make an excuse, Shin Tae-oh intervened. And that too with the merciless first strike that belittles Ha Jin-seong.

Ha Jin-seong suddenly turned his head and looked at Shin Tae-oh. What did this bastard just say?

“I... what?”

“I saved you from living like trash.”

“Hey, Shin Tae-oh. If you say so, it's sweet...?"

“Well, Jin-seong lived a bit immaturely.”

When Choi Han-byeol agreed, Ha Jin-seong's jaw muscles bulged.

“What do you know?”

“Honestly, is there anyone here who doesn’t know that you hate your half-brother?”

Even after seeing Ha Jin-seong grit his teeth, Choi Han-byeol didn't pay any attention and just snarled. In every group, there was one person like Choi Han-byeol. In addition to his ability to become friends with anyone, he is a guy you can't hate at all even if he tells you facts you don't want to hear.

Choi Han-byeol was exactly like that.

“I told you not to hate your younger brother, but you got so upset.”

“Hey, Choi Han-byeol.”

“Did you forget? Jin-woong is my friend too.”

Choi Han-byeol snorted and poked Ha Jin-seong's weak spot.

“I understand that he is being punished for doing something bad, but I wonder how unfair it must have been for him. Jin-woong is not smart.”

“What does it matter?”

What does a grown man's mistakes have to do with being clear-headed?

“I don’t know what to do if my affection changes.”

Choi Han-byeol pointed out Ha Jin-woong's condition without even looking at it. Knowing that Ha Jin-woong had gone to prison, I wondered if he had called me knowingly rather than trying to ask how he was doing.

“He’s your younger brother too. So embrace me with love. It seems to me that your love should go to your younger siblings, not Shin Tae-oh’s lover.”

“...”

Ha Jin-seong showed off his displeasure and eventually avoided it by remaining silent. No one mentioned his brother's work to me. You can't console them for committing a crime and going to jail, and you can't tell them that you're being punished for it, so you avoid the topic of conversation altogether.

But it wasn’t the case for Choi Han-byeol. He dug into Ha Jin-seong's weak spots without hesitation.

"Go."

Ha Jin-seong stood up with a look on his face that said he had nothing to say. It was refreshing to see Choi Han-byeol understand my feelings, but it was also difficult to be depressed because Shin Tae-oh was there.

Because Ha Jin-woong kidnapped Se-hyeon. In the process, Shin Tae-oh was hit by the iron pipe wielded by Ha Jin-woong, and he almost got into big trouble.

However, Shin Tae-oh seemed to have forgotten what happened at that time, and Ha Jin-seong was even more reluctant to see him.

When you think about that, Choi Han-byeol was truly amazing.

Even Se-hyeon rarely brings Shin Tae-oh when he meets Ha Jin-seong, but didn't Choi Han-byeol call him anyway?

“Would you regret it if you did that?”

Choi Han-byeol gave a tempting warning to Ha Jin-seong.

“From now on, I’m going to ask you about Tae-oh’s lover. But you don’t have to listen?”

How much does Choi Han-byeol know?

Ha Jin-seong clicked his tongue and sat down in his seat.

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