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goose-books · 4 years

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darklingverse & magic

as promised! a look at the magical system in my speculative fiction loose-retelling-of-king-lear WIP, which you can find out more about here and here! this is a terribly, terribly long post, so i’m sticking most of it under a cut, but i can guarantee there are at least a few fun diagrams in there. (all character images used are from this picrew by cinnasmores!)

shoutout to waya @harehearts for helping me work out some of the kinks in this by asking incredibly helpful questions... waya i will untag you if you want i just wanted to appreciate your contribution. also going to tag @suits-of-woe because you mentioned wanting to see this!

Jasper’s dad talks about it like oil. Petroleum has to be refined before you can put it in your car. Unrefined, it’ll just as soon kill you as anything else. The natural clock ticks. A mage hits twelve, or thirteen, or fourteen. And then it’s roaring under their skin, like an electric volt, like a fever, burning in them, fighting tooth and nail to get out.

It always gets out. You pick the route. Or you don’t.

The first thing Vee ever learned was duplication. Small objects only. Jasper was crawling through stacks of post-it notes for weeks. It was like an illness: Vee would get too itchy, his magic nipping at his neck, and he’d clench his fists and then they’d have another goddamn stack of stickies. “He has to get it out somehow,” Dad had admonished Jasper, when he’d complained. “Otherwise it’ll hurt him. I do it, too. The difference is I’m useful.” And he had demonstrated by snapping his fingers and cleaning all the house’s dishes at once.

Jasper is loath to give his father props for anything. But he was, on that particular occasion, right. Within a year Vee could flick his hands and shut windows, heat leftovers, unlock doors, send laundry skittering across the floor into the hamper.

It makes sense; Vee’s an infuriatingly quick study, magically and academically. And he inherited their dad’s style of magic. Easygoing. Quiet. Unobtrusive. Less explosive, more creative. Nowadays the worst that happens when he gets hot under the collar is that he spawns another houseplant and Jasper has to brush the leaves off the kitchen table.

Because Vee followed Dad’s instructions. He annotated all of his textbooks. He mastered it early, by seventeen, because of-fucking-course he did, but he was already in control by fifteen. Everyone learns to control their magic eventually.

Most people do eventually.

— darkling, segment iv: control

okay so let’s get into this!!!

isn’t darkling a modern king lear retelling? what do you mean, “the magic system?”

great question! darkling is, in fact, a modern king lear retelling (well, very loosely; it’s my city now and i reserve the right to do what i want). it takes place entirely in and around a city called dovermorry, an extremely isolated place secluded in the mountains, surrounded by wilderness for hundreds of miles, and only reachable via a single train through the mountains. dovermorry is loosely in the american northwest, sort of, i guess. by which i mean that’s kind of where i’m picturing it, but also it’s incredibly vague and honestly i don’t really know. dovermorry is, like, you know… [gesturing] it’s around. [kicking any kind of definable map under the rug]

the plot is set in the modern day with modern technology. the magic that exists is woven into daily life alongside said modern technology, which is the primary reason i’m calling darkling speculative fiction. most people in darklingverse aren’t actually heavily affected by magic (for reasons i’ll get into but which basically boil down to “they don’t have much”); however, dovermorry as a city is mostly known for being The Place Where Mages Go. most of the families in the city have been there for a long time; they’re old money families with powerful magic who use their inheritances to study increasingly esoteric forms of magic that aren’t very helpful in praxis. this is because dovermorry is home to the large and powerful Mage’s Guild, which is in charge of setting the laws around what kind of magic can be practiced in the city and by who. if you want to study magic at a scholarly level, you’d better pay your dues to the guild, otherwise you’re gonna get the boot.

every large city has a guild, but dovermorry’s in specific is Really Big and, unusually, has more political power than the actual mayor / government of the city. partially because leovald stayer, the guild’s president, is just… ughghhebwfbefbdsbfbdsfsd. That Way. in dovermorry if you’re not getting the boot you’re licking it

“wait, slow down. what is a mage anyway?”

well, technically, anyone! everyone in darklingverse has at least a little bit of natural magic (though it might be very little) that develops during puberty/adolescence! so by its literal definition, A Person Who Does Magic, everyone is a mage. that said, in colloquial terms, the word mage has taken on a connotation that basically means… exactly the kind of people who live in dovermorry. like i just said: scholarly, probably rich, probably a little elitist. so your average working-class person is TECHNICALLY a mage, but if you asked they’d say something like, “oh, mages are those hoity-toity folks who join guilds and stuff, WE’RE just regular folks over here.”

“you keep saying magic. what are you talking about. magic is a word that means so many things”

don’t worry, in darkling it just means [gestures vaguely]. re: everyone has magic, it develops in puberty, and there aren’t really specifications - it isn’t like some folks get fire magic and others get shapeshifting magic or etc. it’s more like everyone has a certain amount of raw energy inside them that can be drawn out and funneled into different tasks/spells. some ground rules:

1. you can’t change the amount of magic you have. your magic develops naturally, and maybe you get a lot of raw energy, or maybe you only get a little, but that’s what you’re stuck with and no amount of practicing is gonna give you more.

2. that said, magic is hard to control when it first develops - and practicing WILL help you get better at controlling it. so while you’ll always have the same base amount, you’ll get faster and more efficient about concentrating it into tasks.

3. re: amount of raw energy: that shit isn’t limitless. whether you have a lot or a little, it will eventually run out and you’ll have to wait for your juice to recharge. like a battery. you are a battery. how long this recharge period takes depends on how much magic you have, how fast you used it all up (if you push your limits to do something Really Big, you’re gonna be wiped), and also just how you’re doing physically in general? if you use up all of your magic in one go and you haven’t slept in a while, you might want to, like, sit down. drink a juice box. take a nap

4. while magic isn’t limitless, you can’t just NOT use it, either. when you aren’t using your magic, that raw magical energy builds up in you. and builds up. and builds up. and it does not particularly want to be in you. it wants to be out in the world, actually, and by god your fragile human meatsack is not going to stop it. so if you don’t choose a task to funnel your magical energy into (eg, i use my built-up energy to send my socks scuttling across the floor of their own accord to get into the laundry basket), that energy will eventually decide to just come out on its own. more on this later.

5. like i said, the mage’s guild of any particular city sets the rules, but there’s generally one core rule and that’s “don’t do necromancy.” like, obviously you’re not allowed to kill someone magically, but you’re also not allowed to kill someone NONMAGICALLY, so that’s kind of a given? but necromancy is something only a few very powerful mages can do and it is a BIG no-no. don’t fuck around with death, man. people don’t come back right, but also, just, like, let them rest, all right? let the dead rest.

[image description: the “society if X” meme, showing a futuristic “ideal” society full of green landscapes, smooth silver buildings, and flying cars. the text on the top reads “society if no one did necromancy.” the text on the bottom reads “this post made by the official mage’s guild don’t do necromancy you freaks bottom text.” in the corner you can see the imgflip.com watermark that i could have erased were i less lazy.]

“so what CAN you do with magic?”

the average joe? not much. again, there aren’t specific categories of magic; there aren’t any ATLA-style bending divisions. if you and i have the same raw amount of energy, there’s no reason we can’t both learn the same spells.

that said, the average person doesn’t have a lot of magic! it is much less dramatic than i’ve made it sound. there are not big magical firefights happening marvel-movie-style on every city street. if you want to talk to your friend, you use your iphone, not some kind of distance-speaking spell (which would be hard to maintain anyway and oh my god the phone lines are right there). the average person, on a daily basis, will use their small amounts of magic to heat their coffee up, or to wipe up a mess or spill, or to clean their floor re: the socks i mentioned earlier. (while writing this post, i had to begrudgingly admit that the socks were not going to scuttle anywhere, and i was forced to pick them up with my hands, manually. tragic, i know.)

again. dovermorry is the exception to this rule. most of the people in dovermorry have a little too much money and a little too much magic and not nearly enough chill. but dovermorry has also been festering like a petri dish alone up in the mountains for decades so what can you do.

“hold on, are you telling me that people in darklingverse didn’t immediately start wielding innate magic quantities as a tool of classism? sounds fake”

regretfully i cannot retcon classism out of darklingverse as it is relevant to the plot. this is because the plot is “Incredible: This Rich White Guy Has Never Been Told No And Doesn’t Know How To Handle It Without Crytyping!”

[image description: a picrew of leovald stayer, a pale-skinned man with short blond hair and an angry-looking frown, plus tears that i drew onto him with the paint tool in paint.net. beside his head is red crytyping text reading “ii’mm sso; so..rryy i didn’t[ mme a nit wwhy . are yu,,o suiiicdee .bai,,it,ing MMe gr;;acen im yuour da[d,,,”]

the general implicit belief across the country, but especially in highly stratified cities like dovermorry, is that upper-class people from distinguished noble families are just naturally born with more magic, and lower-class people are born with progressively less as we trip down the social ladder. is this kind of true, demographically? yeah but everyone’s got their cause-and-effect turned around. class doesn’t dictate natural magic so much as natural magic dictates class. the people on top like to be on top. and having jacked-up magic is a nice way to stay on top. so rip to the rich kids born with piddly little amounts of raw magic, because your family probably is not going to help you get places. and rip to everyone else born with piddly little amounts of magic, too, because unless you’re REALLY good at something nonmagical, you probably are not going to Strike It Big because those in power are gonna keep you down. and if you DO make it to the top you’ll be viewed as an exception that proves the rule.

there is some magic that is genuinely naturally harder to work with. the upper classes are personally really invested in making sure that kind of magic is painted as rough and lower-class. this is because it is threatening to them! and they do not want to be threatened. unless, of course, it’s them with the hard-to-handle magic. and then they’re fine with it.

“but didn’t you say everyone’s magic is basically the same?”

everyone’s magic can be wielded to do basically the same things. you can’t control how much flows through you. you CAN control where/how it gets out. and everyone’s pathways for how to let it out are basically the same (see the examples i mentioned above!). but some magic is a lot easier to control than other magic.

you can’t just not use magic, because if you don’t use it, it will use itself. it will Do Shit On Its Own. and that’s where this gets sticky.

so let’s get into that.

active vs. passive magic

now with fun diagrams!

[image description: a rainbow spectrum stretching from blue to red. the leftmost end (blue) is labeled “’passive’ magic” and “way down here you can mostly do fun party tricks.” the rightmost end (red) is labeled “’active’ magic” and “way down here you’re officially a ‘witch’ lol.”]

when i say active vs. passive magic, i should specify that this is not a strict binary! i’m about to use the terms in a sort of binary way to simplify this post down, but magic exists on a spectrum.* generally the less raw magic energy you have, the more “passive” your magic will be, but that’s not a hard and fast rule! characters vee and rory, for example, both have comparatively passive magic; however, rory’s is smaller and generally good for party tricks, illusions, and sleight of hand, while vee has more magic that he finds is really good for things like Growing Plants Really Fast and Making The Plants Do What You Want.

*i know this looks like some kind of metaphor for gender but i swear it’s not. you can trans your gender no matter WHAT your magic looks like i promise <3

i mentioned that if it builds up for too long unused, magic will Do Shit On Its Own. with passive magic, the Shit It Does is, like, accidentally growing a plant where plants shouldn’t grow, or changing your hair color when you aren’t looking. slow seeping magic that just kind of oozes out of you until you notice, “wait, shit, my hair didn’t used to be blue.” with active magic, if you don’t control it, it will Break Shit and it will not be nice about it.

active magic is - if we simplify both the magic binary and human genetics until they’re really really blurry - the dominant trait. if you made a middle school biology punnet square, active magic would be the dominant allele and passive the recessive allele. (i haven’t taken a bio class in two years no one get my ass for this analogy.) the child’s magic will take after whichever parent has more active magic. so, to illustrate that, let’s look at a normal family with a normal non-scandalous family tree. by which of course i mean the greenwoods. [canned laugh track playing in the studio]

here are ara, griffin, and medea (parents) charted by how active their magic is:

[image description: the same spectrum, now featuring three picrews of characters. ara, a dark-skinned woman with wavy black hair, freckles, and glasses, is placed leftmost, closest to the blue/passive end. griffin, a dark-skinned man with short black hair and glasses, is placed near the middle of the spectrum, slightly to the left. medea, a pale-skinned woman with spiky white hair, freckles, and gold hoop earrings, is placed rightmost, at the very edge of the red/active end.]

...and here’s how that went for them, progeny-wise:

[image description: a little family tree. ara and griffin’s child, vee, a dark-skinned person with wavy black hair, a worried look, and band-aids on his face, is labeled “quiet unobtrusive plant-based magic” in green text. medea and griffin’s child, jasper, a lighter-skinned person with spiky brown hair and freckles, is labeled “once accidentally shattered 50 champagne glasses at his dad’s birthday party” in red text.]

(yes, i know i said there aren’t any ATLA-esque magical divisions; that’s still true; vee just happens to get on really, really well with plants. much like jasper gets on really really well with entropy and causing problems on purpose.)

so the thing about “active” magic is that it’s usually more powerful, but if it’s too powerful it gets incredibly destructive. like i said earlier - if you’re part of the upper class, it shakes out fine; otherwise not so much. your choices with this kind of dangerous magic are to either fight it and keep it tamped down, or to lean completely into it and embrace your massive amounts of dangerous power. if you are rich, you can do that second thing! that’s what leovald stayer does, and he’s the president of the mage’s guild! good for him! [i say, through gritted teeth.] but if you aren’t rich, you had better try to keep that shit on lockdown, unless you want to be branded a reckless uncultured social deviant and - in most cases - a witch.

mages vs. witches

everyone with magic is a mage. only a few mages are witches. it’s like squares and rectangles, you know? you can hear gracen talk about that here in nice prose (plus baby cressida!), but the bottom line is that “witch” is shorthand for “woman* who has magic so powerful it’s unsafe, who uses it to break shit and be reckless,” and anyone with the “wrong” type of magic who doesn’t have a trust fund to back them up is getting tarred with that brush. they’re nothing like those elegant learned mages casting down benevolent laws from their ivory towers, you see.

*this isn’t a gender specific thing but usually women are the ones who get called witches because Women Should Know How To Control Themselves But Men Are Just Like That. god we love misogyny <3

tl;dr: misogyny and classism real. if you have hard-to-control magic that breaks shit then you’re destined to be a pariah UNLESS of course you’re rich and powerful and then it’s COOL that if you got too out-of-control you could collapse a building or cause a monumental storm or something. you know. cool.

[image description: the same magic spectrum. medea is still there, placed exactly where she was before. leovald’s face is also there, right above hers; in terms of magic, they are equally placed on the spectrum. leovald is labeled “runs the whole city” and medea is labeled “lives in a cave in the woods,” both in white text. there are three thinking emojis at the very top of the image.]

funny how these things work out.

in conclusion

in conclusion, if you’ve read all of this, you’re braver than the marines and have my undying love. if you’re down here for a tl;dr: magic is a natural force everyone is born with; some magic is comparatively harder to control; classism & other social structures affect the way a person’s magic is viewed (there are a lot of double standards); i really enjoy making little oc diagrams.

if you have questions, comments, etc, about this post or darkling in general, my ask box is always open! thank you for reading! [blowing you a kiss]

#i dream of hitting leovald stayer with rocks <3 #anyway this is terribly long but i had a friend scan through it and they said it was comprehensive and helpful so!#oh also i hope the image descriptions work i should start doing those... if anyone has concrit on that come shout into my inbox #this post could also be called 'reasons why jasper acts like a neurotic prey animal all the time'#though i did try not to delve into specific characters unless i was using them as examples. this here crash course doesn't need 2 get longer #max.txt #darkling tag #leovald stayer #ara greenwood #griffin greenwood #medea the witch #vee greenwood #jasper greenwood

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dramarising-replacement · 4 years

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Re: https://dramarising-replacement.tumblr.com/post/617916922335543296/so-ive-had-a-subspecies-since-september-i-noticed

TL;DR: Things are fishier than they seem, and M might actually be more of a thief than SB. At the very least, M 100% falsely accused SB of theft; at the worst, M stole SB’s idea and went on an editing spree to cover their tracks.

I don't have a tumblr so usually commenting on posts here is more trouble than it's worth, but I just have to on this one for some reason. Maybe it's because I think the entire concept of “subspecies” is stupid, maybe it's because thanks to a namedrop I could easily dig everything up... but from what I found the drama OP (M) definitely seems shady. Brace yourselves, my salty friends, for an unnecessarily long deep-dive into stupid drama (because what else are you going to spend quarantine doing?).

First, let's take a look at the timeline.

According to the original post date, the drama OP (M) created their subspecies in Dragon Share on September 13 2019. The thread has moderate activity levels up (~2 week post gaps max) until December 13 2019, when it apparently dies (barring any ghost bumping of course). The next post on the thread is made May 11 2020, when M suddenly becomes active again. M also created a new subspecies thread in Dragon Share on May 9 2020 at 13:05 FR (exact times will become relevant later on); it seems the posts were filled in with edits made within the next couple days, as is standard. Also of note is the fact that many of M’s posts in their original thread have edits made May 9 2020 from 10:39-13:27 FR (this will be key); additionally, a majority of these edits are made on posts that contain the guidelines for the subspecies- not sales, affiliates, pinglists, etc. that would require any sort of update.

The “accused” in this case (SB) created their hatchery thread in Dragons For Sale on December 24 2019. Aside from sales/affiliate posts, no edits to the main hatchery posts were made since December 29 2019 (likely filling in from a structure laid out 5 days prior), except for on March 19 2020, when it looks like they might have converted how they list dragons for sale to be linked to a tab instead of posted/adjusted g:t ratio. In any case, I believe these particular edits do not really play a big role on the overall timeline and drama, same as M's edits on their new thread. For a user that describes themselves as “barely active”, they do a decent job at bumping posts, with ~1 week between bumps except for 2 spans of ~1 month: from Feb-Mar, and after a short bout of bumping, from Mar-Apr.

The drama begins when M makes their post on SB’s hatchery thread May 09 2020 at 10:10 FR, which is edited less than a minute later (maybe a typo correction?). So here’s the timeline all pieced together:

September 13, 2019 – M creates the subspecies

December 13, 2019 – M seemingly goes inactive on their thread

December 24, 2019 – SB creates their hatchery thread

peace, until…

May 09, 2020 @10:10 – M accuses SB of “stealing” their idea on SB’s hatchery thread

May 09, 2020 @10:39 – M edits their subspecies requirement post

May 09, 2020 @13:05 – M creates a new subspecies thread

May 09, 2020 @13:14 – M edits their old subspecies main post

May 09, 2020 @13:21 – M edits a post about ‘Queen’ variant(?) requirements on their old thread (Important)

May 09, 2020 @13:27 – M edits a post showing examples of ‘Queen’ variants on their old thread (Important)

~BONUS~ May 12, 2020 – people start defending M on SB’s hatchery thread. The posts weren’t exactly the nicest, so who knows if they’ll still be around by the time this gets out of the queue

Ok, I know what you’re all thinking- what does all this mean? How is this shady?? For that, we will have to dive a bit more into the content of the posts to put some context to that timeline; but first, let’s take a look at the threads and see if the theft accusation is accurate.

M’s old subspecies thread:

Messy layout/design. Links are left as ugly long URLs, but most importantly… there is no consistency on what the subspecies design is! In the main post, no colors are listed, but the genes are specified to be Slime/Lionfish, Sludge/Bee, and Capsule. In their next post on the subspecies requirements, genes are listed as Slime, Sludge/Bee, Capsule- no Lionfish to be found! Color specifications are kept vague, with only a Honey tert required, though they do also lay out 4 specific named variations using Amber/Amber, Amber/Gold, Lemon/Gold, and Lemon/Lemon. The post with the ‘Queen’ requirements lists genes of Slime/Hex/Capsule, with no colors specified except for the same 4 variants made earlier.

M’s new subspecies thread:

Still a work in progress, but looks to be pretty much identical to the previous thread; the only main change is that banner is replaced with an original (credited!!) logo (good job on that, M). The main post specifies genes of Slime, Sludge/Bee, and Capsule. The color rule examples post contain the subspecies and the ‘Queen’ variant (Slime/Hex/Capsule), and include some additional variants as well- ‘Crystallized’ (Bee sec), ‘Wasp’ (Lionfish prim), Pollenators[sic] (Glimmer tert), and ‘Hornets’ (Pinstripe/Sludge/Glimmer).

So if you’ve been paying attention, M’s ~super special unique subspecies~ has color requirements of “anything honey-like” (while also having 4 specific color combinations) and a combination of random genes in addition to the “official” genes thanks to the addition of “variants” that have nothing to do with the original Slime/Sludge/Capsule premise. The only consistency seems to be Honey tert.

SB’s hatchery thread:

Aside from some hard-to-read colors used, has nice formatting. Lists 6 pairs, which are strictly either Amber/Amber or Grapefruit/Grapefruit, with a small range of matching terts for each pair (not necessarily encompassing Honey). 5 pairs give primarily Slime/Hex (+small gem gene chance), and 1 is Slime/Sludge. As far as terts go, 2 have terts weighted towards Capsule, 1 is Capsule/Runes, 1 is Opal/Glimmer, and 1 is Glimmer. So primarily Slime/Hex/assorted, in an xxy Amber/Grapefruit+assorted.

So to put that all together:

M’s claim of subspecies “theft” would really ONLY pertain to their ‘Queen’ variant, not their main subspecies (only 1 of SB’s pairs has a 50% chance at making M’s subspecies). In addition, the range built into SB’s pairs violate the only seemingly consistent rule of M’s subspecies: a Honey tert. The only argument for “theft” would pertain to the gene combo of Slime/Hex, which appears in 5 of SB’s pairs and M's ‘Queen’ variant (though again, SB’s pairs do not have the right tert color/gene most of the time!).

Now, do you remember that timeline? After accusing SB of “stealing” their idea (presumably for the ‘Queen’ variant), what did M immediately do? They went back to their thread and specifically edited the posts pertaining to the requirements for the subspecies and the ‘Queen’ variant! It’s theoretically even possible that the ‘Queen’ variant didn’t even formally exist when SB made their hatchery- all the dragons mentioned/posted in M’s thread are the standard Slime/Sludge/Capsule subspecies, and 3 of the registered dragons of the ‘Queen’ variant were bred in January (well after SB started their hatchery), with 1 other dragon acquired from untraceable sellers at some point (likely around the same time as it is the parent of the other 3). You might even say that perhaps M “stole” the idea for the ‘Queen’ from SB… M also posted the proof themselves in the OP that they use shady edits to change the narrative in their favor- SB specifically mentions this in the screenshots after calling out M for removing their link, who then backs it up by claiming they were “project” dragons; yet M placed them in the “Completed breeders” tab, which was hastily edited to now include “Breeders that need gene alterations”, a shady move that SB commented on and M decided to post proof of for some reason lol.

So if this is true, and M accused SB of stealing their idea, then raced to edit their posts to create a narrative to justify their claims… why would they do it? My theory is simple: an honest mistake combined with jealousy. There are only 12 registered dragons listed on both the old and new subspecies threads, half of which are owned by M. On the other hand, SB’s hatchery lists 22 dragons sold, only 1 of which is exalted. Now I don’t know anything about hatcheries, but I think that is a decent amount for just under 5 months of sales, especially when taking into account the periods of seeming inactivity. I think that M either went on hiatus or forgot/gave up on the subspecies back in December, before SB created their hatchery. SB then created their hatchery, using similar (but definitely not the same!) ideas. Time passed, and one day when browsing the sale forum M comes across SB’s thread. Seeing SB’s hatchery have the popularity they never had, combined with poor memory of the details of their subspecies after such a long time had passed, M comments mistakenly accusing SB of theft. However, not long after they find their old thread, and realize that SB isn’t at all copying their Slime/Sludge/Capsule xxy Amber-ish/Honey, and rush to make the edits needed to tidy up their claims. In the process, they quickly realize it’d be best to just start a new thread altogether, as the current thread was a mess and had no more reserved space past the ‘Queen’ variant (which may have been reserved/lore space before M covered their tracks). Far less sinisterly, perhaps M continued their subspecies idea after abandoning the thread, and after accusing SB they realized that they never actually officially updated their subspecies.

But who’s to say? There might not be a smoking gun one way or the other, but there’s enough circumstantial evidence to say M doesn’t look as innocent as they sound. As far as SB’s response, it was definitely out of line and way too harsh. But you’ve also gotta admit you’d be pretty peeved if you had been peacefully minding your own business for months and suddenly someone comes in out of the blue, wrongfully accuses you of being a thief, demands you give them credit for all your hard work, then proceeds to buy your dragons to make them part of their “rightful” hatchery, erasing any mention of you as just another slap in the face. From looking at the dragons they’ve sold, SB doesn’t really seem to care what happens to them- genes have been changed, links have been removed, no drama that I can see. It really seems like they are reacting more to M’s shadiness over the whole deal than anything else. That said, nobody likes being namecalled, so SB’s parting remark wasn’t right even if they were wrongly accused of theft.

#Drama #Flight Rising #Genes #Long post #Shady #Petty #Forums #User #submission

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perfeggso · 3 years

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Noir (yutae)

Week IV pt. 2

Tokyo – fall of 1983: Nakamoto Yuta is quickly rising in the ranks of one of Japan’s most notorious yakuza families, and he’s poised to climb even further if he can stop himself from being ruined by the pretty Korean boy who’s shown up out of nowhere.

Glossary of Japanese words

Characters: Yuta x Taeyong + NCT ensemble, Twice J-line (for funsies)

Genres: Gang!AU, angst, smut, fluff, 1980s!AU

Warnings: graphic violence, swearing, minor character death, alcohol use, mentions of drugs, period-typical homophobia, xenophobia, BDSM

Rating: 18+

Length: 6k

In the days that followed, Taeyong declared that he was giving himself three short-term goals. “Oh yeah?” Yuta asked, raising an eyebrow in curiosity. “What would those be?” Taeyong elaborated: Goal number one was for Taeyong to get his friends, new and newer, to help him be a better gangster. So, Yuta arranged for Sicheng and Yukhei to take Taeyong to the training room for workouts and, once he’d confirmed Taeyong was comfortable with it, to have Ten give him more “lessons.” Yuta had sat in on their first session, watching in pained silence as Ten used one of his long metal pins to tether Taeyong to the ground through his shoe and then attacked him. Yuta then enlisted Dejun, Yangyang, and Kunhang to teach Taeyong (and Mark and Jungwoo for good measure – they needed some review) how to follow people effectively and avoid being followed. According to Taeyong’s recounting, it had been exactly like Yuta’s own training, each of the Inagawa members taking turns slinking around the backstreets of Kabuki-chō and getting critiqued by the Triads afterwards. Yuta let Taeyong hang around when he discussed strategy and finances with Doyoung, Taeil, Johnny, and Jaehyun. Taeyong didn’t really understand any of it, nor did he need to, but Yuta figured it was good for him to feel like he was getting the whole picture.

Taeyong’s second goal, he said with almost too much confidence, was to get Yuta to fuck him as much as possible without it becoming a distraction, and it’d been going well for both of them. Taeyong had slept over at Yuta’s place three out of the last four nights and Yuta started taking a kind of dirty pride in the way his regiment grew used to seeing Taeyong in his clothing. They’d started experimenting explicitly with dom/sub dynamics and their own kinks, one of Yuta’s favorite moments coming when Taeyong accompanied him home after a long day. He’d fixed himself a drink and sat, legs spread over his couch and arms elongated over its back, the drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other. Since that night, Yuta had to stop himself intermittently from getting half-hard at the memory of Taeyong trying to get off grinding on his thigh, Yuta more or less ignoring him as his clothes soaked through with his sweat and he cried in frustration into Yuta’s shoulder for him to just do something – touch him, degrade him, anything. Yuta even impressed himself with the willpower he’d used to keep Taeyong strung out like that. So yeah, Taeyong’s second goal was going just fine, Yuta would say.

Goal number three was the most complicated: It was for Taeyong to make up his mind about what he’d do after the Mitsubishi deal (hopefully) went through. As promised, Yuta tried to remain removed from Taeyong’s decision making process, even if Taeyong would sometimes come to him with questions. Would they be able to keep seeing each other? Whether Taeyong stayed or left, they could still be together, Yuta had answered, although part of him worried that if Taeyong left he’d find someone he liked better the minute they no longer shared a lifestyle. But that wouldn’t be the case if Taeyong left after officially joining, right? Taeyong had clarified. If he changed his mind too late? That’s right, if you leave too late, you leave everything for good. It’s okay, Yuta had told him, don’t force yourself into a decision until the deal’s been worked out.

Yuta’s goal, on the other hand, was simply to stay sane and focused, and enjoy everything while it lasted. Specifically, he wanted to enjoy cooking takoyaki, Osaka’s specialty food, for Taeyong one night after a rare day off, and he wanted Taeyong to enjoy eating it. He wandered around Taeyong’s kitchen, alternating between muttering to himself and asking Taeyong why the hell it was so hard to find anything in there. Yuta paused before his metal mixing bowl, trying to remember what the next ingredient for the batter was supposed to be.

“You sure you don’t want help, babe?” Taeyong asked, and Yuta looked over to where he was sitting on the little table he kept in the kitchen, swinging his legs over the edge and giving Yuta moon eyes. He almost laughed. Taeyong had been nervous to have Yuta over, endlessly denigrating his apartment to the point that Yuta would have thought he was being invited over to a literal shack if he hadn’t already seen the building once, so Yuta made a point of fawning over the small space the second he arrived.

“No, darling,” replied Yuta to Taeyong’s question. “I told you, this is my treat.”

Taeyong shrugged as a new Blondie song started to play from his record player in the living room. “Suit yourself.” Yuta stretched his shoulders, finally remembering that the egg was supposed to come next. He’d learned how to cook from his mom, but that meant that sometimes his recipes were more like distant memories from ten to fifteen years ago. Yuta hummed along to the music, turning to search for the egg carton in the fridge.

“So, can we go over this one more time so I don’t screw it up?” Taeyong asked. Yuta was losing track of the number of times Taeyong had already been briefed on their plans for Minatozaki Sana, but if he needed to hear it again to feel secure, Yuta supposed he’d play along.

“Sure,” Yuta confirmed, cracking one egg into the half-finished batter. “But there’s really not that much you have to do, Taeyong. I just told you the whole plan so you won’t be caught off guard by anything.”

Taeyong practically buzzed against the table below him. “Right, so basically I’m going to stand by her door while you and Doyoung convince her to flip on Yamaguchi. There’s a window in the entryway, so I’ll have an easy view out if anyone comes, but I need to be sure not to be seen from the other end.”

“Exactly,” said Yuta, whisking. The yellow yolk was swirling into the sticky mixture like streaks in hair. “I don’t anticipate it taking too long, but I can’t make any promises. If she resists, you just stay at your post and we’ll deal with her, unless she makes it all the way to her front door or something.”

Taeyong nodded, his legs knocking against the table’s. “What’s ‘not too long?’” he asked.

Yuta thought for a moment. “Twenty minutes to an hour.”

“Alright.”

“Alright?” Yuta finished mixing his batter and tapped the butt of the bowl against the counter several times, looking quizzically at Taeyong. “Is that all clear? Can we talk about something not work-related now?”

Taeyong smiled. “Yeah we can,” he agreed, and Yuta let out a sigh of a laugh. “Like what? Is gang talk stressing you out?”

Yuta sniffed the batter. It smelled like it had enough dashi in it, so he figured it was fine. Now where did Taeyong keep his soy sauce? He rattled through Taeyong’s drawers as he answered.

“Honestly, a little bit. This is the most responsibility I’ve ever been given, and I want it to go well.”

When Yuta looked back to Taeyong, soy sauce triumphantly in hand, Taeyong’s face had contorted to show his own worry.

“Wait, you’re really anxious about it?” he asked. “I was sorta joking.”

Yuta set the bottle down on Taeyong’s green plastic countertop, making his way to the table.

Taeyong pouted as Yuta’s palms pressed over his soft cheeks. “I’m a little anxious,” Yuta admitted, a warm feeling flashing through his chest at the sight of Taeyong’s face all squished up, “but I gave you your job description and worrying about my anxiety is not included. Got it?”

Taeyong smiled sheepishly. “Got it.”

Yuta let go of Taeyong’s face and returned to his cooking project. “Just wanted some time together where I didn’t have to worry about work.” He dumped some of the soy sauce into his batter and started to stir again. He registered a little giggle coming from Taeyong.

“Anything I can do to help destress you?” he asked slyly. Yuta mixed harder.

“Yonggie, now is not the time…”

Taeyong just shook his head. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Yuta tried to ignore the not-so-subtle look Taeyong was giving him, opting to divert the conversation to ask where Taeyong’s takoyaki griddle was. Taeyong hopped off the table, mouthing the words to “Heart of Glass.”

“I’ll get it,” he offered, crouching next to the low cabinet where he kept his pots and pans and extracting the desired item.

“Thanks.”

Taeyong leaned against his counter and watched Yuta rub oil over and then pour the batter into the six half-spheres in the cast iron griddle. Yuta inserted the octopus bits, tenkasu , beni shoga , and sauce into the center of each raw takoyaki, conscious of every movement under Taeyong’s sticky gaze but trying to relax by listening to Taeyong’s whispery singing. Once sufficiently prepped, Yuta brought the griddle over to the table and turned it on, sitting to watch the food cook. Taeyong sat across from him, laying his head against the wooden tabletop and blinking as heat started to sizzle from the takoyaki.

Yuta sighed, thinking. Taeyong made him think a lot about a lot of things. Some of it was serious like, was their relationship sustainable? Was he blinded by his infatuation and risking too much for someone he’d know for barely more than a month? Was Taeyong going to end up hurt? Because if he did, it would be squarely Yuta’s fault. Mostly though, the thoughts Taeyong prompted in Yuta’s head were less dire but just as invasive. Yuta felt a rush at how gorgeous Taeyong looked like that, sleepily gazing and allowing himself to receive the care of someone else’s cooking. On second thought …

“Hey, so I know I just said now is not the time,” Yuta began, rolling his sleeves up as he registered the room warming and noticing Taeyong’s eyes on his arms, “but there might be something that would help me destress. But uh, you might think it’s a little early, I’m not sure.”

Taeyong sat up, smiling. “Oh?”

“I think it would be fun to spend a night at a love hotel,” Yuta admitted, and a splotch of oil jumped out of the griddle as if to punish him for being pushy. “ Ita !”

Taeyong just grinned. “Yuta,” he began, crossing his arms over the table, “why is that such a big deal?”

Yuta sighed, feeling like he was about to get laughed at. “Because, I don’t want to take you to just any love hotel,” he explained. He figured he’d gotten himself this far, he might as well finish digging his own grave. “I want to take you to the Alpha Inn.” To his surprise, Taeyong didn’t laugh, nor did he look confused; his grin only stretched wider, giving him crow’s feet around his eyes. Yuta wondered if he needed to clarify what he’d said. “It’s –”

“I know what the Alpha Inn is,” Taeyong blurted.

Yuta felt his face go small, the sizzling of the takoyaki turning to static in his ears. “Oh, then why didn’t you say anything?”

“Because,” Taeyong explained, “I was waiting for you to tell me why you were being weird about it.”

“Oh,” Yuta repeated, and Taeyong pressed on.

“So why were you? I mean, we’ve already kind of established that we both like that kind of thing, right?”

Yuta was beginning to feel like a first-class idiot. “Yeah,” he tried to backtrack, “but I think it’s a bit different from anything we’ve discussed. There are whips and stuff on the walls there and…”

Yuta hadn’t managed to finish his sentence before Taeyong was laughing in his face.

“Yuta,” he said, “have you been there before?”

“Yeah, I have,” Yuta explained, growing indignant, “but you’re different too.” Taeyong’s eyes rounded in curiosity. “You are! I haven’t had many relationships so when I’ve gone there it’s been, like, with hookups who are there for a specific purpose.”

Taeyong wiggled his eyebrows. “And what if I told you I’d been there with hookups before too?”

Yuta let out a breath of relief, settling into a more self-assured comportment. He honestly should have figured. Taeyong seemed to notice the change in Yuta’s body language, because he wiggled back into his chair, away from the table, and softened his face from the challenging aspect it had taken on before. Yuta smiled in satisfaction. “Then, I wouldn’t worry about anything but us enjoying ourselves,” he answered.

Taeyong smiled to himself as he looked at his hands in his lap. “So, letting you take me to a BDSM-themed love hotel: that’s what I could do to help you destress before next week. Glad I got that out of you.”

“But there are some things we need to discuss first,” Yuta said, figuring the takoyaki looked adequately brown and standing to find a couple plates and pairs of chopsticks.

Taeyong nodded. “Of course.”

Yuta returned, having found what he was looking for with surprising ease.

“First of which being that we have to change up the title, ‘kay?” He sat and turned the griddle off, using his metal chopsticks to pull out two takoyaki balls. “No more Shategashira during sex. I can’t be getting hard every time anyone talks to me at work.”

Yuta slid a plate of food over to Taeyong. “That’s fair. What should I call you, then?”

Yuta blew on his dinner. “Sir? Does that work?”

Taeyong smiled. “Yes, sir .” And Yuta smiled back.

“Perfect,” he remarked, hand reaching out to Taeyong’s hair on instinct. “You’re perfect.”

Taeyong nuzzled into Yuta’s touch, whining when Yuta pulled away. Yuta was happy to have taken back control of the situation, but he also figured he needed to change the topic of conversation if he was going to be able to focus on his food. Thankfully, Taeyong did it for him, picking up a ball of takoyaki and holding it near his face, expression contemplative.

“Smells good,” he said. He blew on it until it had stopped steaming, then nibbled experimentally after a quick "itadakimasu." Yuta still held off, all too familiar with the treacherousness of eating takoyaki.

“How is it?” he asked as Taeyong broke through to the molten center. He paused.

“Yuta?” Taeyong began, holding the takoyaki to show off the liquidy center. He started laughing and Yuta found himself hurled back into embarrassment. “I don’t think it’s cooked all the way…”

“Shit, sorry!” Yuta spluttered. “Here, give it back!”

Taeyong guffawed, letting some of the hot but nearly raw batter fall from his mouth to his cupped hand. “What?”

“Just give it here!”

“Okay…” Taeyong handed over the mangled ball and watched Yuta return it to its iron slot, switching the griddle back on and trying to look competent.

“Guess this will have to do,” he said, placing his own serving back to cook more as well. Yuta smiled to himself, propping the side of his head against his fist and his elbow on the table. Taeyong smiled back and said in a small voice,

“I thought you knew what you were doing, Osaka boy. I’m a good cook, you could have just let me help.”

Yuta shrugged. “Maybe I oversold myself. This’ll work though.”

Taeyong made a pained face (“I’m so hungry though”) and Yuta rolled his eyes.

He became suddenly hyper-aware of the silence framing their conversation, so he got up to switch out the finished album while the food got done cooking.

“What do you want me to play?”

“Kate Bush!” Taeyong yelled in response. “’The Dreaming’ should be sitting right next to the record player.”

Yuta replaced “Parallel Lines” with Taeyong’s suggestion, dropped the pin, and returned to the kitchen as “Sat In Your Lap” began to play. He also realized he forgot the mayo and the bonito for their dinner, and puttered around the kitchen again to find them, feeling like even more of a dumbass than he had for undercooking the food. The takoyaki came out much better the second time around, and once it had cooled off, it was gone in a fraction of the time Yuta had spent making it.

“Okay, I guess you do know what you’re doing,” Taeyong admitted, his mouth contorting around a particularly large bite.

After eating, Taeyong insisted on doing the dishes. Yuta took on Taeyong’s former position watching from the table, thinking to himself how lovely he looked in an apron, focused on getting everything spick and span. Fuck, it was so domestic, and Yuta hadn’t had anything like it in so long. Yuta was so shaken up about it he felt like the takoyaki in his stomach was trying to bust out through his belly button.

Taeyong glanced at his admirer as he scratched the suds from his hands into the sink. “Stop looking at me like that,” he said.

For a mobster, Yuta had kind of a bad poker face when he wasn’t focused enough on it. “Like what?”

“Like you want to…I don’t know, make me a housewife.”

Yuta rested his face in his hands. “What if I do?”

Taeyong chuckled. “First of all, that’s quite literally impossible. Second of all, it makes me feel weird.”

“Weird how?”

Taeyong dried the metal mixing bowl as he spoke. “Not sure how to explain it,” he said. “Kind of itchy. Like I want to hide?”

Yuta tried to calm down so he could stop the fascination from practically dripping over his face. “Sorry.”

Taeyong put the bowl away. “S’okay. I’m also flattered. Thanks for cooking, by the way – even if I gave you shit about it.”

“Of course. It was kind of fun.”

Taeyong finished drying off and putting everything away, took off his apron, and suggested they retire to the living room couch to listen to their music.

Yuta sat down and let Taeyong situate himself so that he was lying down, head in Yuta’s lap. Yuta played with Taeyong’s hair.

“Yuta?”

“Mm?”

Taeyong’s face had an air of stress about it, not like there was anything truly wrong, but more like he had a thought he needed to sort out.

“How did you figure out you liked guys?”

Yuta took a moment to process. That was not what he expected Taeyong to ask.

“Oh, um, I don’t know, how did you figure it out?”

Taeyong scowled. “I mean eventually it just sort of became obvious,” he said.

“Exactly,” Yuta confirmed. “So, that’s not really what you’re asking, is it?”

Taeyong shook his head, skull rocking against Yuta’s thighs.

“Guess not,” he allowed, “How old were you though? When you realized?”

Yuta pulled a strand of Taeyong’s dark hair until it stood on end. “I don’t know, late teens probably, when I really sorted it out?” Yuta chuckled, calling upon some well-repressed memories. “I had tried fooling around with girls at that point, and it wasn’t bad, actually. I was very sure I was straight. I liked the girls I was with – had a real fondness for most of them, but it was never very deep. Momo and I even hooked up once.” Yuta laughed wryly as he watched a look of shock and, maybe jealousy? flicker over Taeyong’s face. “Don’t worry,” he reassured. “It was alright for me, but she made it very clear that it was never to happen again.”

Taeyong hummed thoughtfully. Yuta wanted to grill him back, but it looked like he had another question brewing, so he stayed quiet. “So, who was the first guy?”

Yuta breathed a laugh. “Well, he was actually my boss when I was a Kumi-in…”

Taeyong’s eyes lit up. “Like us?”

“Kind of. He was older though,” Yuta clarified. He smiled, both in recollection and in amusement as he registered the dissonance between Kate Bush’s wailing singing and their quiet conversation. “I remember thinking to myself, oh, now I know what this whole thing is supposed to feel like.” By “thing” he meant to express the nebulous concept of attraction, love, relationships, lust; all those intangibles which tug at the heartstrings. He hoped Taeyong would understand despite his lack of eloquence. “He was the one who convinced me to go to the Alpha Inn the first time, but, uh, I was the one taking the orders back then.”

“What happened to him?” asked Taeyong, twisting the hem of his shirt in his hands.

“He decided this life wasn’t for him, so he left. And, you know, if you do that you get excommunicated, banished – whatever you want to call it – so I haven’t heard from him since.”

Taeyong looked like he wanted to say something, then didn’t.

“I’m sorry,” he said instead.

The apology made a pang of guilt run through Yuta. Here he was telling the sob story of his first love in front of poor Taeyong. If he got uncomfortable hearing about Momo, why would he want to know this? “Don’t be sorry. I have you now,” Yuta said with a smile, and he meant it deeply.

Taeyong sat up and sighed, eyes clouded over. “I just feel like this would be a lot easier if I wasn’t…you know…me.”

Yuta felt like he had cold water rushing over his skin. What was Taeyong getting at? “No, I don’t know,” he challenged.

Taeyong refused to make eye contact and Yuta thought he saw the other man’s skin tone draining a bit grey. “I keep thinking about Johnny and Mina,” Taeyong tried to explain. “They seem so normal. Like, they know what each of them is there for. I don’t know how to explain it. I just feel like if I were a woman it’d be easier and make more sense. I wouldn’t be weirdly wrapped up in your work and having to make all these dire decisions and putting you in danger. We could just see each other like average people.”

Yuta didn’t know if he wanted to cry or laugh. He settled instead for gripping Taeyong’s chin with his fingers and forcing their eyes to meet. “Taeyong,” he said softly, “I think you’re missing the point.”

Taeyong’s eyes looked glassy. “Which is?”

“Which is that if you were a woman A) we probably wouldn’t have met in the first place, and B) I wouldn’t be as interested in you.” Yuta searched Taeyong’s face, awaiting a response.

“You mean that?” he asked, finally.

Yuta let go of Taeyong’s face. “I do. Why would I be lying?”

Taeyong smiled slightly. “I dunno. Sometimes you lie for fun.”

“God, Taeyong, not about stuff like this.”

“Alright,” Taeyong said, letting his smile extend and settling his back more squarely into the couch cushions. “Sorry for being so insecure.”

Yuta took Taeyong’s hand. “You and me both, baby.”

“Houdini” started to play and Taeyong closed his eyes, mentioning absently that it was his favorite song on the album. When it was over, he spoke again.

“Mina warned me at the party,” he said, and Yuta was put on immediate alert by the threatening vagueness of the statement. “Back at Johnny’s bar, we started talking. She said I should leave as soon as possible and not get sucked in.”

Yuta stiffened, training his eyes on the stains in Taeyong’s rug and making a mental note to bring this up to Johnny. “Well,” he began, “that’s her opinion. It’s up to you to make up your own mind.”

“I know.”

Yuta laughed breathily, catching Taeyong’s drift. “So, she told you that and then you immediately turned around and landed in my lap; let me pull you in deeper. Was that a sort of decision?”

Taeyong nodded, squeezing Yuta’s hand. “Maybe. I just wanted it at the time. I wanted a real reason to stay.”

Yuta tutted. “I told you not to make me the clincher for such an important choice.”

“Yeah, but that was after,” Taeyong asserted. “I think I’d already decided early on, even if I didn’t want to admit it. Yuta?”

“Taeyong.”

He looked Yuta right in the eyes. “I’m going to stay. I invited you over tonight to tell you that I’m sure I want to join the Inagawa-kai. I just didn’t know how to bring it up until right now.”

Yuta could feel the adrenaline coursing through him, like he was a candle wick being sparked; like he was about to go on a mission. He was exhilarated at the idea that he’d fully gained Taeyong’s trust and admiration, that they would continue on as they had been; but at the same time, the possibility that Taeyong could get hurt or decide too late that he’d gone down the wrong path made Yuta’s blood run cold.

“You’re sure?”

Taeyong nodded. “Yeah, I am.” He looked at Yuta and smiled sideways. “When do I get initiated?”

Yuta didn’t know how to respond to Taeyong’s sudden burst of self-assuredness. “Well – uh – the Oyabun won’t let you until our current project is secured –”

Taeyong pouted.

“But!” Yuta had an idea. “But, but, but, if you want, we can do something fun right now that might help.” Yuta stood, about to head off to the kitchen until he remembered he didn’t know where anything was.

“What is it?”

Yuta placed a finger in front of his mouth. “It’s a secret,” he whispered. “But I need you to help me find some things.”

In a matter of minutes, they were back in the living room, couched in silence with the music having run out and kneeling at either side of Taeyong’s coffee table. Between them, Yuta had set two empty masu cups, a bottle of amazake (since Taeyong didn’t have normal sake), and the knife that Yuta always carried around with him: medium-size and gunmetal grey with teeth like the one in the Rambo movie that had come out a year before. Taeyong had stared at it almost in horror when Yuta took it out.

“Okay,” Taeyong said, eyes roaming over their spread. “Now will you please explain this to me?”

“Sure,” Yuta agreed, grinning at his own creativity. “So, you said you wanted to be initiated,” he began, “but you can’t technically do that for a bit, so I’m going to give you a little run-through; a rehearsal of sorts that can prepare you for the real thing while also making you feel more official right now.”

Taeyong nodded, looking sold. “Okay. What’s the knife for?”

“For when I sacrifice you to Amaterasu,” he deadpanned, and for a moment, Taeyong actually gaped.

“No, I kid,” Yuta said, cracking himself up. “We’ll get to what the knife’s for in a second.”

Taeyong let out a confused breath, making Yuta laugh even harder. Once he had contained himself, he went on.

“So, this will be the setup when you’re initiated. Ideally there’d be witnesses, but you know.” He shrugged. “Okay, and you should know that I am standing in for the Oyabun .”

“You’re Goro?” Taeyong clarified.

Yuta nodded, pressing a hand to his chest. “Yes, I’m Goro, who I don’t think you’ve met yet, by the way.” Taeyong shook his head in confirmation. “Soon enough, then. You’re you, and what we’re going to do first is you’re going to hold out your cup to me and I’ll fill it halfway with sake.”

Taeyong followed directions, prostrating himself ever so slightly as he offered Yuta his cup and watched him pour the cloudy liquid inside. Then, Yuta did the same with his own cup, passing the halfway point and filling it to the brim, images of his own initiation six years earlier flashing across his vision. He’d been a baby in an ill-fitting black suit and Goro had looked more imposing to him than usual – like Mt. Fuji on a clear day. He picked up the knife, remembering the sharp taste of Goro’s blood in a particularly strong batch of sake.

“Now we switch cups,” he instructed, and Taeyong obliged, eyes trained on Yuta’s knife. They went wide when Yuta positioned his hand over Taeyong’s sake and cradled the blade so that it was invisible in his palm, although the implied pressure and discomfort made Taeyong’s face contort. Yuta sliced shallowly into his palm, careful to adhere to the lines of his old scar as much as possible. Taeyong’s gaze followed as a ruby droplet fell and dispersed into the alcoholic liquid.

“We could just get a raspberry or something if you have one and crush it into the other cup,” Yuta teased, “if you don’t want to do this.” He grinned when Taeyong shook his head quickly.

“No, I can do it, Shategashira .”

“Good.” Yuta wiped the blood from the knife onto a paper towel and handed the blade to Taeyong, who took it hesitantly. “Just do the pad of your thumb for now,” Yuta suggested. Taeyong hissed a bit as he cut into the flesh there and pressed down to force out a rivulet of blood. Yuta realized he’d made a slight oversight when he registered that each of them now had one bloodied hand. In the real ritual, this fact would have been ignored, but Yuta was already testing Taeyong and he didn’t want to also stain his nice bamboo cups.

“Gimme a sec,” he said, finding his leather jacket in the entryway and rooting around in it one-handed for another thing he always kept with him: bandage tape. He called Taeyong into the kitchen and they took turns washing up and covering their self-inflicted wounds. Yuta registered neutrally the kind of hazy and quiet state Taeyong was in. Finally, they returned to the coffee table for the next leg of the ritual, starting off by switching their drinks back so Yuta had a full cup with Taeyong’s blood and Taeyong had a half cup with Yuta’s.

“What now?” Taeyong asked.

“Now,” Yuta answered, “you take the seihai-gishiki ; the oath of allegiance to me, Hirai Goro.” They both laughed at that. “Repeat after me okay?”

“Okay.”

Yuta flexed his hand, still adjusting to the feeling of raw openness under the pink-tinged bandages. "I vow never to reveal the secrets of the organization.”

“I vow to never reveal the secrets of the organization.”

“I will never violate the wife or children of another member.”

Taeyong balked. “Wait, that’s kind of messed up,” he said, mouth poised to laugh. “Why is that there?”

“Aish,” said Yuta in mock disappointment, “good thing I’m running you through this – Goro would never accept this interrupting. Actually, the first ever yakuza clan in the 1700’s had a real problem with cheating and child molestation, so their boss had to make up this rule to stop it from turning into one giant super-illegal orgy,” he said matter-of-factly. Taeyong’s eyes went wide.

“Really??”

Yuta frowned. “No!! You need to stop being so gullible with everything I tell you.”

Taeyong bowed his head several times while laughing nervously. “Ah, okay, okay, Shategashira . Gomen , gomen . Got it.”

Yuta smiled. Taeyong was so damn cute it made his muscles hurt. “It’s okay,” he said. “In all seriousness, I have no idea why that rule is there, but it’s a reasonable expectation, anyway. Shall we move on?”

Taeyong nodded.

“Okay,” Yuta restarted, “I vow to have no personal involvement with narcotics.”

“I vow to have no personal involvement with narcotics,” Taeyong repeated.

“I will not withhold money from the gang.”

“I will not fail in my obedience to superiors.”

Taeyong blinked forcefully and gulped before echoing, “I will not fail in my obedience to superiors.”

“Last one, okay? I will not appeal to the police or other legal authorities.”

“I will not appeal to the police or other legal authorities. Now what?”

Yuta picked up his cup with both hands. “Now we drink.”

Taeyong followed his lead. “Kanpai.”

“Kanpai.”

The taste of Taeyong’s blood was less harsh mixed in with this sweet type of sake, mellowed and drowned out until it was nothing more than a heady undertone, like the scent of skin.

They put down their cups once they had finished and stared at each other silently for a beat. Then Taeyong broke into a grin. “Did I pass?” he asked.

Yuta guffawed. “Pass? This isn’t an exam.” He cleared his throat and put on his Hirai Goro voice: gravelly and low and embellished by rolled r’s. “But uh, yes, well done, Kumi-in. Welcome to the Inagawa-kai.”

***

After the elaborate rehearsal, they had a bit of cleaning up to do. Taeyong rinsed their masu cups in the sink as Yuta disinfected his knife and reinforced his bandages.

“The last vow reminded me,” said Taeyong, shutting the water off and setting the cups on the drying rack, “it only occurred to me after Johnny and Mina’s lesson the other day, but what if it’s not another gang that gets ahold of me? What if it’s the police? Wouldn’t they also interrogate me?”

Yuta burst out in laughter and Taeyong looked perplexed, leaning his lower back against the kitchen counter.

“Oh, sorry for laughing at you,” Yuta said, collecting himself. “You’d have no way of knowing this.” He walked over to join Taeyong. “You don’t have to worry about the police,” he explained even if Taeyong looked dubious. “I mean, if we like, killed someone in a public alleyway, sure.” Taeyong’s eyes flickered in recollection. Yuta continued. “But if you’re just going about your business, they won’t dare take you in. Most of them like us anyway – like that we instill a little fear and discipline into public life, that we rake in local tax revenue and do charity work, etc. I mean they’re just as much thugs as we are, too, and I guarantee you in every ten cops you’d find at least three former wannabe gangsters. Anyway, sometimes we get busted by national law enforcement, but you rarely need to worry about the local police; they only get involved if you kill someone, as I mentioned; if public opinion is especially bad; or if someone comes to them directly with proof of wrongdoing.”

Taeyong nodded heavily, taking in this new information with a mixture of horror and relief.

“I know. It can be a bit odd at first,” Yuta offered. “I imagine as a former street kid you’re not used to that kind of free reign.”

Taeyong shook his head. “Yeah, m’not,” he confirmed. “I used to get the cops called on me for standing wrong.”

Yuta hummed a chuckle. He didn’t doubt it. His face hovered closer to Taeyong’s, drinking him in, and he paused over the scar next to Taeyong’s eye. He still had never asked about it, so he did.

“Oh, this?” Taeyong said, pointing to the pitted skin. He demurred a bit, embarrassed, and Yuta suddenly felt bad for asking. “It’s not very interesting. I used to have atopic dermatitis and I picked at my skin a bit too much when I got a flare up there.”

“I see,” Yuta said. “Sounds irritating.”

“It was,” confirmed Taeyong. “Did you have a theory about how I got it?”

“I didn’t but Doyoung did,” said Yuta. “He figured you’d gotten it in a fight or something like that. I didn’t really know.”

Yuta thought he saw a shiver buzz up Taeyong’s body. “Do you guys talk about me often when I’m not there?”

Yuta laughed. “Only at the beginning,” He admitted, settling his elbows back on the countertop. “You were kind of mysterious to us.”

Taeyong looked shocked. “Me? Mysterious? Alright…”

“Well you showed up out of nowhere,” Yuta asserted. “In fact, I got asked on separate occasions by Jungwoo and Jaehyun how I was sure you weren’t a spy.”

Taeyong spluttered. “A spy? That’s too wild.”

Yuta only shrugged. If he was being honest, Taeyong was still a little mysterious to him. He still wanted to turn Taeyong’s earlier questions about sexual awakenings and such back on him, but that could wait. Taeyong pushed away from the counter and shifted so he was facing Yuta, his hands on Yuta’s shoulders.

“Want to dance?” he asked coyly. “Just like after Johnny’s party?”

Yuta slipped his arms around Taeyong’s waist. “How could I say no to that?” he teased, and they plodded like that back into the living room. Yuta let Taeyong go momentarily to put on “Three Imaginary Boys” by The Cure, scooping him back up the second the music began. Taeyong laid his head on Yuta’s shoulder and murmured into the base of his neck.

“I can’t wait to help you destress, sir.”

Yuta petted Taeyong’s soft hair with his bandaged hand and hummed. “You’re too perfect,” he said, and he meant it deeply.

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awesomeswimmingtimemachine · 4 years

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What Next? (l word gen q fanfic)

Decided to give fanfic a try since quarantine doesn't seem to be ending anytime soon. Since I am most impatient for the l word season, Ive created my own continuation of events from the end of the first season. Enjoy :)

Chapter 1

“Im here”

The crowd turned their heads and a light appeared. Nat was making her way towards the stage. Alice had been telling her guest, Roxanne Gay, that she was a bad queer for trying so hard to be “outside the box”. Alice admitted that she ruined the best relationship she had ever been a part of by adding her partner's ex-wife, Gigi, into the mix. But now, Nat was coming right for her, their eyes had met from across the room. Alice called for the cameras to stop rolling, but Sophie saw the potential of this moment and urged them to carry on. Nat professed her love for Alice and only Alice. The two embraced each other in front of the studio audience and were left happier and more in love than they had ever been.

Meanwhile…

Bette Porter had suffered a devastating loss in her campaign for mayor of Los Angeles. She felt not only the heartbreak of loss, but the disappointment of knowing she would be unable to effect change in her city. However, this was not to be the first heartbreak Bette had suffered, in the days leading up to the decision she had learned that Tina planned to remarry. There was a part of Bette that always believed Tina would find her way home, the two had a tendency to find each other despite what trials of life got in their way. Bette was coming to terms with the fact there would be no way home for her this time. Even for a woman of Bette’s fortitude and resilience, the events of the previous weeks had taken their toll. When the time came, she found herself alone on her couch yearning for peace and quiet.

Angie, never one to see her mom sulk, told her mother grab her shoes because they were going to go for a hike. Bette voiced her reluctance, but eventually gave in to her daughter’s request. Angie took her mom to a spot that she often hiked to after her Aunt Kit passed. Bette, overwhelmed by the moment she was sharing with her daughter, shared her own experience of relief and restoration. She told Angie about a time years ago when she decided to attend a silent retreat. Angie laughed at the mere thought of her mother being silent for an extended period of time. Bette smiled, but then told her of the amazing catharsis that comes with screaming after holding everything in for so long. After a beat, Bette asked, “wanna give it a try?”. Angie smiled and said yes. “Okay, but you have to do it, you have to commit and let it all out”. The two women took deep breaths and then screamed at the top of their longs until there was no more breath left. When they were done, the two looked at each other and embraced, ready to make their way back down the mountain.

As they headed back down the trail, Angie caught sight of a pup that drew her attention. “What a cute dog!” she exclaimed as she knelt to say hello. The owner smiled and then quickly noticed Bette. “Maya?” Bette exclaimed as she noticed the owner. Maya smiled.

“I know I’m supposed to be impartial, but I was pulling for you”

“Thank you” Bette responded with an embarrassed smile. The two exchanged some more pleasantries and, sensing the end of their encounter, Maya asked her if she would like to go to dinner. Bette, assuming she was looking for an inside scoop on the election, quickly rebuffed Maya explaining that she was not ready to make any official comments. Maya smiled and explained that the dinner would be “off the record”. Bette realized she was flirting and was admittedly caught off guard. It's not often she is speechless. “You have my number” Maya said before walking off. Angie and Bette continued on their way, all the while Angie teased her mother about finding “The love of her life.”

Across town…

Shane was packing up a number of baby gifts she and Quiara had been given. Quiara had refused to get out of bed since the miscarriage the day before. Shane wasn't sure how to react or what to do. She felt for Quiara and the loss, but truthfully had a sense of relief. Shane had always been honest with Quiara, kids were not a part of her plan. But when Quiara showed up at her front door professing her love and telling Shane she didn't need her but wanted to be with her, what else could she do? Shane was so in love with Quiara and she was willing to put aside her desires to share a life with her.

Quiara, still reeling from the events, finally made her appearance. Shane could see how broken she looked, and wanted nothing more than to take care of her, but once Quiara saw what she was doing she began to let out her frustrations. Quiara accused Shane of being relieved and happy with the way things turned out. Shane was taken aback, overwhelmed and speechless. She knew nothing she could say would help, but she didn’t need to say anything. Quiara threw her ring at Shane and stormed off. Shane picked up the ring and sat on the floor, trying to understand what had just happened.

“No one is ever going to love you because you are incapable of loving anyone but your fucking self”

The words rang in her mind, repeating themselves, taking a piece of her every time. She couldn’t think about anything else as she sat on the floor clutching the ring. “I need a drink” she said to herself, grabbing her keys and making her way to the jeep. While driving to Dana’s she realized that the last thing she wanted was to be around people. She parked the car in the alley, grabbed a few bottles from her office but decided to drive around a bit to clear her head before heading home. While she was driving she came across a mutt rummaging through some trash on the street. She looked into its sad eyes and felt a connection. She heard the words Quiara had said once more, “incapable of loving anyone but yourself.'' There was a deep ache in her heart, was she broken? She looked out at the lost dog once more and in a moment of desperation led the mutt into her jeep. She looked at him, and he looked back at her with kind eyes. “What the hell am I doing?” she asked herself before driving back home.

Chapter 2

The next morning, Shane was stirred from sleep by the sounds of someone in her kitchen. She sat up in bed, feeling the blood rush to her ears and a headache pounding in behind her eyes. The empty bottles by the bed indicative of her activities the night before. Shane willed herself to get out of bed and make her way towards the kitchen. As she came out of her room she could see Alice.

“You have a dog Shane”

“Yeah Al, I know”

“Why do you have a dog” she asked, emphasizing the word dog, “and where is Quiara?!”

Shane knew she would have to tell Alice what happened eventually, but she pictured herself a little less hungover. Shane poured herself a cup of coffee, seemingly ignoring Alice who was impatiently waiting for answers. Shane, now facing Alice, leaned against the counter before taking a slow satisfying sip of her coffee. Another moment passed before she said it, “Quiara left me..”

Alice stood there, trying not to let how shocked she was show on her face, but not doing very well. Shane continued to sip her coffee while Alice collected herself. “She left you…. And you got a dog?” she said confused. Shane recounted the night's events, telling Alice only what she needed to know and nothing more. Alice listened attentively, but plopped herself down the couch. When Shane was done, “wow” was all Alice could manage. Silence hung in the air for a moment before Alice spoke again. “So what's his name?” she asked.

“His name?” Shane responded

“Yeah Shane, dogs have names”

Shane turned to look at the mutt who had chosen a small corner of the kitchen to sleep in last night and was still lying there. His big sad eyes looked up at her, but he did not move. “Dog, his name is Dog” she said in a dismissive manner.

“You can’t fucking name a dog Dog”

“Why not?” Shane asked hungover and a little annoyed by how much energy she had already spent this morning.

“Because Shane, ‘Dog’ is not a name”

Shane turned to face the dog who looked at her again, “okay what about.. Bud”

“Bud?! What are you five?” Alice asked with a slight mocking tone in her voice

“Well I don’t know Al, what am I supposed to name him”

“I don't know!” she responded with a higher tone in her voice, “what about Lou”

“Lou?” Shane asked in a flat tone. Suddenly there was a deep banging noise. She looked over to see the dog had begun to wag his tail. “Lou” she said again and he lifted his head to attention. “OH MY GOD. I’m the fucking dog whisperer” Alice exclaimed causing Shane to roll her eyes and say, “Lou it is.”

Over the next couple of days, Shane spent a lot of time at Dana’s trying her best to keep herself busy. She paid Finley to buy some dog food, a bed and even to walk Lou. Finley was happy for the extra cash and goodies she could swipe from the house.

Shane had gotten the dog to prove to herself that she could care about someone other than herself, but the truth is she wasn't sure she could. She spent her nights out on the terrace underneath the night sky, trying not to think about Quiara. As she continued to pour the drinks she would begin to think about all the times she had let someone down. Shane had always felt like a disappointment, and had a tendency to be self-destructive. She believed she had outgrown that, but maybe she was just good at hiding it.

And then there was a knock at her front door. Her heart stopped for a moment remembering the last time someone came to her front door at that time of night.

She made her way to the door, but found Lou standing guard. His stance ready and his eyes fixed on the front door. “Stay,” Shane said as she caught a glimpse of who was on the other side. She opened the door to a big smile from Bette. “Hey you,” she said to Shane, catching a glimpse of the dog. “ I hear you are keeping busy these days.” Shane smirked and invited Bette into the house. “Bette, meet Lou.” Bette smiled at the dog and looked back at Shane with concerned eyes.

“Im fine, I promise”

“I know,” Bette said, knowing better than to try and tell Shane what she is feeling.

Bette had brought groceries and proceeded to the kitchen. “I figured you could use a home cooked meal, and I could use a friend. What do you say?” she said, turning to look at Shane as she unpacked the bag. Shane smiled, simply responding with “You want a drink?” The two friends took the time to get into their usual rhythm, allowing the first round of drinks to settle before opening a bottle of wine to have with dinner. They ate their meal with a casual and playful atmosphere, but as the bottle was finished and another opened, the conversation found itself veering into its intended territory.

The two sat across from each other, plates nearly clean and the second bottle of wine half empty. “What happened?” Bette asked, knowing Shane would put up her usual bravado. Shane sighed. “I’m broken,” she responded so matter of factly that Bette was taken aback.

“You are not broken”

“Yeah I am, she was right Bette. I was relieved. I didn't want a kid but I wanted her. I was selfish and she left me because … I’m incapable of love.”

Bette let the words sit there for a moment. “Is that what she told you?” she finally asked. Shane didn’t respond. “Shane, you are not broken. Humans by definition are imperfect and we all have our own tendencies to self-destruct. Me included.” Bette said that last part with a little extra weight. Shane looked at her friend who was so good at putting on a brave face for the world but, ever so often, would let her guard down. She reached across the table and held Bette’s hand. Bette looked up across the table to Shane and managed a slight smile.

“I know you are capable of love because I see the way you love Angie, and she adores you. You are a great friend because you love us and we love you. Don’t let the words Quiara said to you in anger question the beautiful person you are.”

“It's different. Cheri, Carmen, Molly …. Quiara… I always hurt the people who love me, because I am not built to love them back, ” Shane said with defeat in her voice.

“I don't believe that” Bette replied without hesitation. “You loved all of them, but maybe you weren't built to love them the way they wanted to be loved, and that is okay.”

Shane let the words weigh on her for a moment. Silence hung in the air.

“So a dog huh,” Bette said teasingly

Shane sat back and looked at Lou who was laying in bed but watching them attentively.

“How are you holding up?” Shane asked, hoping to change the subject. Bette could see what she was doing, but she pursed her lips and didn’t fight it. “Well Tina is getting married,” she said with the slightest pain in her voice. “I know,” Shane replied, “She asked if she could use Dana’s for her engagement party.” Bette flinched and then sat there for a moment before reaching for the dishes and making her way to the sink. Shane was quiet, watching her, knowing that she would speak when she was ready. Bette hung her head, took a deep breath and turned to face Shane. “She deserves to be happy, even if it isn't with me.” Bette was being honest, but Shane knew this was still hurting her. “We are quite the pair,” Shane remarked as she picked up the remaining dishes from the table and walked them over to the sink. The two women cleaned the kitchen together in silence, working in harmony, each with something weighing on their mind. As she was drying the last plate, Bette broke the silence, “I went on a date a couple of nights ago.”

Shane poured the last bit of wine into her glass and smiled, “With the hot reporter I bet.”

Bette put the plate down in utter disbelief. “How on earth could you possibly know that?” she said almost laughing. She looked over to Shane who had a knowing smile. “Because, I’m me. And she was into you at that campaign event. How was the date?”

#the l word #the l word gen q #the l word generation #alice #shane #bette #fanfic #chapter 1 #chapter 2

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youdidwelljonghyun · 4 years

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I haven’t been using this app much since I joined stan twit but I need to speak on this bc it’s important:

NCT, Exo, Taemin and SM Entertainment on a whole are a fucking disappointment. BLM has been the number one topic on social media across the world for about a week now. I’ve seen countless Korean artistes speak up in support. I’ve seen artistes post their donations. I’ve seen BM go on insta live and discuss his experiences with cops and how black people have to live in fear despite being innocent. I’ve seen Crush talk about how Korean pop music is built on black culture & there would be no Kpop, kr&b or khiphop without black culture. Ive seen Got7’s mark donate $7000 to the cause. I’ve seen a 2 month old rookie group’s member get all her socials deleted because she had the balls and the decency to support BLM on her platform. I’ve seen KBS in America covering the riots. I’ve seen Korean civilans speak up about BLM, supporting and explaining the situation in both Korean and English, I’ve seen Yeri post in support on her Instagram.

AND YET. NCTzens had to BEG, and when I say B E G. We were flooding 127’s twitter mentions, lysn and Instagram BEGGiNG them to post in support of BLM, just so they could use their platform to influence followers to support. For DAYS. We had to beg these men who: 3 of them lived in the US for extended periods, one is FROM CHICAGO where much of the rioting is taking place. They are ALWAYS talking about how they’re a global group. 127 has toured across the US multiple times. They regularly interact with international fans. Their intl fanbase has likely made them more revenue than their Korean fanbase. In fact, I’d argue that 127’s current level of popularity is mostly due to their American fans, & I’m not even American. Just last week we rallied together for DAYS to defend Jaehyun from those disgusting Kfans. Yet they only responded after over 24 hours of begging them, and when they did, ONE member posted something without even including a donation link or saying anything truly substantial... the member that is literally American. His post was basically a “fine, here it is since you won’t stop bugging me about this!”. I saw many fans begging them to “open their purses” and show how much they donated, which I don’t think is necessary— but at LEAST POST A GODDAMN DONATION LINK. Do you know how many fans would mirror your actions? Even with the lame post Johnny made, countless fans were asking where they can donate. Do you SEE HOW IMPORTANT IT IS TO USE YOUR PLATFORM?? Then Ten posted that random black square. No caption, no nothing. Anyone who doesn’t know about BLM won’t know what the fuck it’s for. I saw comments asking what it was about and making jokes. I am so fucking disappointed in these men for doing the bare minimum when they have a massive platform, they have received support from thousands of black fans and they make a huge chunk of their money off of American tours, NOT TO MENTION black music is the blueprint for Kpop. They always talk about what black artiste’s music they love, but they are damn near fucking silent about the innocent black people being murdered worldwide.

Exo is a fucking joke. Kai, Chanyeol Baekhyun and Sehun regularly post on their socials— kai did a live a few days ago, Chanyeol has posted several NNG videos, Baek has been doing lives/menpas and yet neither of them can be assed to say oh, btw black lives matter and here’s a donation link so u can help support too. Lay has also been promoting constantly, he’s had a comeback and dropped an MV a few days ago, and yet???

They may have very well donated in private— I acknowledge that. But they could do SO MUCH for the black community by simply making a post in support with a donation link, that would cost them literally nothing. So why haven’t they done so?? They must not care enough to— because trust me, fans have been asking. Exo and NCT’s lysn board have been spammed with fans begging for support, giving them donation links to share and explaining the situation. I feel a little entitled, demanding anything from someone I don’t personally know, but then I realize that it would take almost no effort on their part, and that they would be giving back to the very community that allowed kpop’s very existence, not to mention supporting their millions of black fans around the world. I see many people saying that this is an “American issue” and “no one asks celebrities to donate when other people are suffering”. If you think that is an excuse then you are a part of the problem. 1. Black people exist all over the world, they are discriminated against and brutalized worldwide. 2. I have seen Americans lobbying and pushing for global causes countless times on social media. Just the other day American Kpop fans helped trend the Nth room case, translating articles and spreading awareness. I was one of those fans.

As for SM Entertainment, the company that likely employs more black producers than any other in Korea, they have 100% ignored the BLM movement on ALL platforms; they have done NOTHING. Monsta X, Ateez and BTS have all officially posted on their group accounts that they stand with BLM and they support the cause, yet SM cannot be assed to do a goddamn thing except exploit black culture and use Americans as ATM machines. I heard they were sending TEXTS to American fans about a COMEBACK (or something??) in the midst of all the rioting. The funny thing is, it’s a pattern— SM never gives a flying fuck about American fans. All they do is coddle kfans and indulge in their delusional fantasies, making Jaehyun write a fucking apology letter for eating some food because kfans threw a tantrum and placating kfans when they got salty about Superhuman promotions. WHERE EVEN IS SUPER M??? THE GROUP THAT LITERALLT DEBUTED IN THE US LMFAOOOOO. LITERAL SILENCE.

I just made this post to say that I, as a black fan, can’t continue to go out on a limb for, to stan, to defend and trend hashtags for, to leave encouraging lysn messages for, artistes who don’t give enough of a fuck that my people are dying to make a genuinely supportive post with a donation link. That is THE BARE MINIMUM. We aren’t asking them to go out on the streets and protest. I cannot do it anymore. As a black fan, there have always been things we have to speak out about more than any other fan group, there have always been things we’ve had to overlook. But I’m fucking done with this shit. I’m done streaming and voting and watching their videos. They don’t deserve my support one bit. I see their pictures on my timeline and I just feel empty— I mean, they really don’t give a fuck about us at all. Lots of times we’ve reconciled with the fact that Korea as a whole is pretty racist towards black people, but we think the best of our favs and assume that because they have so many black fans they must feel differently and have more of an open mind— HA. And I was never the fan who expected that idols love us as much as we love them, but for you to sit there and profit from our culture and our support, but be unable to open your mouths or make a single Instagram post when we’re being killed...

#BLM #KPOP #nct127 #exo #sm entertainment #sment #i spoke about these members/groups in particular because they were/are MY favs #and i am disappointed in them because i expected better #im not going to drag anyone in the military so the rest of SHINee gets a pass #Taemin rarely uses social media so I am inclined to let him off easy but I want to hold them all to the same standard #imo silence means youve chosen the side of the oppressor in this situation

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pacedome · 4 years

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Covid-19: How to Protect Yourself from Infection

Coronavirus

Covid-19 is a virus that causes a family of diseases ranging from common cold, influenza, fever, headache, weakness of the body to severe acute respiratory problems.

It was named Coronavirus (Covid-19), by the World Health Organisation (WHO), referencing the type of virus and the year it surfaced.

WHO

According to WHO, while some patients with cough, catarrh and feverish conditions recover in a few days, older people with underlying medical problems like cardiovascular diseases, diabetes, chronic respiratory diseases and cancer, are likely to develop serious illness that might lead to death.

Wuhan China

The disease, which was reported in Wuhan China in December 31st, 2019, and later spread to other parts of China, was regarded as an epidemy. China was massively hit, killing hundreds of thousands of people.

Pandemic

However, in a matter of weeks, the virus had spread to many countries of the world, making the World Health Organisation (WHO) to officially decare it a Pandemic, because of the magnitude of it's spread.

Covid-19 in USA

As at March 2020, it had spread across so many countries in the world, with devastating casualties in Italy and now United States of America, which currently has the worst outbreak, when compared with any country in the world.

Covid-19 Statistical Data

By April 23, 2020, more than 183,424 people worldwide had been confirmed killed by the highly infectious diseases caused by the virus, while about 2,628,,527 tested positive and about 784,986 people had recovered. According to data compiled by John Hopkins University.

Treatment of Coronavirus

To date, there is no specific treatment for Covid-19. Treatments are still under investigation and some proposed vaccines are currently undergoing clinical trials.

The patients are being kept in isolation centres to recover, in order to prevent further spread of the virus. No drug is administered on them while in the isolation centres. This means they are been left to their fates.

Coronavirus in Africa

However, the degree of spread in Africa has not been as much as it has been in other parts of the world. The gap is considerable, causing a surprise to many people. There are also a few number of countries that has hetherto not experienced any case of coronavirus.

As at 23/04/2020, Nigeria had recorded 873 confirmed cases out of which 197 had recovered and 28 dead; ccording to Nigeria Center For Disease Control ( NCDC).

How Coronavirus Spreads

According to WHO, Covid-19 virus spreads primarily through droplets of saliva or discharge from the nose when an infected person coughs or sneezes. As a result of this, as an individual, you owe the world a responsibility of preventing the spread of the virus by covering your mouth with a handkerchief when you sneeze or cough or do so down between your elbows.

Cough and Cold

It is therefore clear that the virus spreads from peson to person when they stay close to one another, like other respiratory diseases. According to scientists, coughs and sneezes can travel several feet and suspend in the air for up to about ten minutes!

In addition, incubation period of the virus before the symptoms appear is between 1 to about 14 days.

How to Prevent Corona Sread

According to WHO, the following precautions should be taken to prevent further spread of coronavirus.

i. Social distancing

Keep at least 2 meters space from the other person, no matter how close your relationship is. The virus respects no one. As a result of this, avoid handshaking, hugging and body contact with anyone.

ii. Keep distance from Suspected Patient

Distance yourself from whoever shows any of the symptoms, like high temperature and fever, cough and catarrh, sneezing and influenza etc.

iii. Advise suspected carrier to go to Nigeria Center For Disease Control, for check up, or report their cases to the Centre personally.

iv. If you notice any of the above named and other possible symptoms of the virus in your body, go for check up for a timely medical intervention.

v. Use Alcohol Based Hand Sanitizer

Always rub your hands with achohol based hand sanitizer, or wash your hands constantly with a foaming soap in a running water. If you cant find a running water, change the water severally as you wash your hands.

vi. Abstain from touching your mouth, nostrils and eyes to prevent transporting the virus through these passages to your blood vessels.

vii. Use Body Masks

Wear a body mask that will protect your whole body from the viral contact. As alternative, wear a face mask.

viii. Corona Isolation Centers

Whoever has tested positive of coronavirus should be transported to the NCDC designated isolation centres to minimise spread as much as possible.

Just so you know, coronavirus is not a death sentence. If you happen to test positive, keep calm. Submit yourself to NCDC for isolation and necessary madical attentions till you recover your health.

My Opinion

I observe that the patients are being kept in the isolated centres without any drug administered. Hence, they are left to recover naturally. Since we are familiar with each of the symptoms, which have existed for centuries, i hereby suggest that instead of living the patients to their fate, the symptoms should be treated in the usual ways that they have been treated for centuries.

For instance, treat someone who has headache for headache, treat the one that has cold for cold, treat the one that has fever for fever and treat the one that has cough for cough. I think this would be better than not taking any action at all. This opinion is personal to me please.

By and large, coronavirus has gone a long way to exhibit demonic attributes.

What is your opinion? Please share this message.

#coronavirus #pandamic #respiratory tract diseases #WHO #influenza #worldwide #quarantine #covid 19 symptoms #body masks #sanitizer #isolation centers #hand washing #period of incubation

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egotisticalee · 5 years

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angelii-ii replied to your post

“angelii-ii: ok but them talking about pain reminded me of some of my...”

oh I'm down if you want to talk about them dude fdjhgfdjh

you know what? its pain story time gsdfdsfsdfsd ill put em all under a read more. tws for a couple vague mentions of blood, some unsanitary kinda stuff, menstruation, brief mention of surgery (not in any detail) and some detailed descriptions of a whole lotta pain.

okay so in remembering all my pain stories, ive remembered quite a few injuries i got when i was little, that i dont really remember the pain of, i just remember that it was painful, including

falling (with extra momentum) and splitting my gum open on cobblestones

getting smashed in the face with a dodgeball

that time i got a throat infection so bad that breathing hurt and i sat in the school office for several hours before my mum picked me up

falling off monkey bars, landing on my butt and being so winded that i couldn’t speak for ten minutes

being pulled over by my nana’s dog, landing on my shoulder and yet again being winded, this time so bad that i couldn’t breathe in for about ten seconds and for those ten seconds i genuinely thought i might die

that time i got a bladder infection - i remember writhing in pain in the backseat of my mum’s car as she drove me to A&E but i don’t really actually remember the pain

the chronic stomachaches i would have that i recently realised might be connected to my possible lactose intolerance/sensitivity and the fact that i pretty much only drank milk as a child (can you guess how the bladder infection happened)

with doing pole, i constantly get covered in bruises and such and a lot of moves cause some low-level pain but that’s because of the grip - the pain is mostly due to like, the pulling on the skin and its never really more than a few bruises and some tender skin on the thighs (except for that time where i somehow tore the skin of my thigh... underneath the top layer of skin fsdsadsa). the closest i’ve gotten to a proper pole injury is falling out of a duchess onto my arse and being a little more bruised that usual, and the several times in the past couple months that i’ve smashed my head into the pole whilst doing a flying cat at full power.

and honestly pole has done a lot for my pain threshold. it’s like, i notice the pain is there, but it doesn’t bother me because i’ve felt it so often. and its also because i know that the pain of keeping this grip is way way less than the pain that i will feel if i let go sdfsdfsdfsd i find myself with so many small bruises now that i know aren’t from pole because of the position of them but i cant think where i got them - because they’re probably from bumping into things and that pain is so small and common to me that i immediately forget about it

on the other hand i also have. really bad hips. and sometimes when im just moving, ill catch a nerve and a shot of pain will go through my entire leg and that shit hurts. ive noticed it most commonly happens if i twist when im stepping somewhere but i dont turn the leg thats planted. i was also once balancing on one leg whilst putting a sock on and my hip just. popped out. and i think it immediately went back but i couldnt properly move that leg for ten minutes and i was in a fair bit of pain

my worst pain experiences though... hoo boy. i kinda narrowed them down to three.

im afab and i have periods so of course i gotta deal with cramps every so often, and they can get pretty bad - just like, doubled over, seeking out anything warm to put on my stomach. i’d say about a 5 on the pain scale. but after my gsce exams (exams that uk kids take in year 11 which is the equivalent of sophomore year of high school. they’re the first exams you take that you get an actual qualification from) i didnt have my period for 3 months. and if im late on my period, my cramps get bad. so on the 17th august, a week before my 16th birthday, ya boy was in fucking agony and for some reason in my brain i was also vehemently against taking any painkillers. eventually my nana convinced me to take one of her morphine tablets though and i felt way better hdfgdsff

theres also the time last november when i got an ear infection. earlier that day i had had a massive nosebleed that lasted for about 20 minutes and made me feel super woozy, so along with all the shit that came with dealing with that (i had to go to A&E to get checked out) it was already a pretty rough day. and then that evening my ear started hurting real bad and it just progressively got worse, and i hardly slept that night at all. i was in pure agony by like. 1am and it lasted the entirety of the night, no matter that i took painkillers. the only reprieve i got was at one point, i was watching yt videos and an ad for headspace came on, and i listened along to the meditation thingy it was doing, but of course once the ad was over, the pain was back full force and i could do nothing but cry (so of course i started to get a headache on top of all of it). thankfully once i got to the doctors the next day and got some antibiotics, it cleared up super fast. i was also talking to darkwarf (i wont tag him so he doesnt have to read this fdsffds) and funnily enough our talks that night were what birthed his character teddy.

and then what i think is officially the worst pain ive ever been in, was the first time i got my tailbone infection. me and my mum went on a coach to a roller derby game and at the end of the day my tailbone was aching quite a bit, as if i’d bruised it. i brushed it off as just being the fact that i had sat in shitty coach seats for several hours, then uncomfortable plastic chairs for more hours, then shitty coach seats again. the next day though. ya boi was in agony again. i could not find any way to be comfortable - the closest i could get to comfort was standing. every movement of my hips was pure pain and i couldnt walk properly. the pain was so bad i just could not put one foot in front of the other and i ended up walking by essentially swiveling on each foot and keeping my hips as still as possible. the worst part was when my mum drove me to the walk in centre - although i knew that i was going to where i would be helped, the car. oh, the car. somethign about that seat - and since this infection has recurred several times, i know it is a feature of all car seats - maybe it was the angle, or whatever, but it was pure agony to sit in. i spent the whole car ride with my arm on the car door and my other hand on the car seat, holding myself up to make it not so bad, but with every bump of the car, pain was fucken. shooting through me. it would take me like 10 full seconds to lower myself into a chair or push myself out of one. sleeping was awful cause i sleep on my side and i turn quite a few times before i can get to sleep - and of course turning with my hips how they were was incredibly painful. im not very vocal when it comes to pain but this thing had me yelping and everything. plus the antibiotics i had to take were fucking miserable. they tasted absolutely disgusting and i had to have them 4 times a day on an empty stomach (no food 2 hours before or 1 hour after) for 2 week and it was awful. this bastard is also recurring. the last time it got super bad was funnily enough about a week after my ear infection. honestly yall. late nov-dec 2018 was the worst fucken time for my physical health. but actually! in 2020 i am hopefully getting a surgery to stop the infections once and for all! but with the way the NHS is going, honestly who fucking knows. i do know that i will hunt down and kill boris johnson if he stops me getting this surgery.

#angelii-ii #lee talks #i mean damn yeah i fucken #talked there huh #when ive verbally recounted that infection i have teared up because the memory of the pain is that fucken bad gfdsfdsfs #also the read more better fucken work this time #dont wanna curse my mobile followers gsdfdsfdsfsd #long post

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trenchkoat · 5 years

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transgender name & gender mark change resource post.

So now that everything is said and done, I want to talk about my experience about working to get my legal name and gender marker changed. I live in Florida, so prices and locations will obviously differ. Brevard County, Melbourne thankfully as all of their legal offices together in one section, so it’s easier to travel back and forth. This is in hopes that helps people to get it done as quickly as possible, as the information I found on an official Transgender Equality site was grossly outdated. I did these at the same time after my name my hearing was complete and all I was asked for at the SSA and DMV were for the court order and the affidavit. That’s literally it. It was done in 15 minutes once we were up.

DISCLAIMER: This may not be relative to all counties, states, etc. However, this is not a controversial case and your agents under no circumstances are legally obligated to give their opinion or refuse you because you are transgender. This is an every-day thing for them. If you ever wind up with a clearly troubled agent that refuses your name changed based on your gender orientation, file a complaint, I don’t know the process, but do something, holy hell.

IMPORTANT: If you are changing your female or male name to another that is for the opposite gender (say, Debra to Michael or vice versa), you will be asked to provide an affidavit from your physician, therapist, or - if you’d had top surgery in my case, from the acting surgeon who performed this surgery. I was given it after I was checked out as a patient, I imagine others do this as well. DO NOT LOSE THESE DOCUMENTS. The affidavit will also be used as proof for your gender change.

I. Filing for the name change.

I made the unfortunate error of looking to the internet for this information instead of asking those who created it in the first place. Of course, like me, you might be turned around as well and not be aware of the many branches of the government and who takes care of what.

First of all, the Court of Clerk is responsible for all of this, and there is no charge to go or do anything, especially if it’s to ask questions! Once I was at the desk, I explained that I actually had no idea what I was doing, but this (outdated) packet told me that this is where it all began. You have to go to the one in your county that you are currently residing in and be able to provide an address of that residency.

Everything begins with the Legal Petition for Name Change, or Petition for Legal Name Change, however it may be worded. You’re allowed to ask for a copy of this and I imagine, if it’s not free, a copy of the entire thing and everything document you’ll need to fill out (you may need to ask for more information on certain points like me) would be like... two bucks? Even certified copies of documents are inexpensive.

1. You will need to visit your local sheriff department and request your prints are taken for background check. This was about $20. You don’t have to tell them what it’s for other than a background check and legal name change.

A note: At any time you can have the file actually, well... filed. It ranges from county to county, state to state, but comes to somewhere around $250 to $401. I know this sounds expensive and yes it is, but I imagine this is so their time isn’t wasted for people filing for their name to be changed to “Batman V. Superman”. This is a serious legal matter.

2. This is usually the suggested first step as the background check can take from a week to a month, maybe more. I imagine it depends on the location and what their work looks like. This will be sent electronically as a sealed document to your Pro Se agent you will have submitted and filed everything with - this agent is still at the Court of Clerk and you will be directed to them. Once this is all there, along with everything else in the document filled out, your case will be listed “complete” and ready to proceed to the next step.

Another note: Everything in the packet is pretty basic, your name and history of work, asking if you’ve ever been bankrupt, etc. You will have to (at least I did) list as many residences you’ve lived at since you were born so this is something I went to the parents for. If you do not have this access, I imagine you can ask them if you can put the last one you remember. For example, I had some missing and I said neither my mother nor myself knew where it had been; this didn’t affect anything at all for us.

II. The hearing itself.

Once everything is uploaded to your case number, including the background check which again may take longer than expected so it’s advised to get it done ASAP and file along with it, no waiting game. You will be assigned a judge, a case number, and be asked to call the judge’s secretary (not sure of the actual job title, I’m sorry, Theresa) to arrange a court date.

I was told that you will not be able to choose your day or time.

Now, as I mentioned before, in Brevard all our legal branches are in one district, rather right across from one another or on a different floor. For me, on the date of my hearing, it was on the third floor of the same building as the Court of Clerk. I signed in, waited until I was called, and went in.

They might ask you to fill out the Final Disposition form as best to your knowledge (of course not signing for the judge, that would be stupid), I forgot to because I was in a rush but that’s alright, Theresa helped me out with that.

NO THIS WILL NOT TAKE PLACE IN THE OPEN COURTROOM YOU SEE IN SHOWS AND MOVIES. Or, God, I hope it doesn’t for any of you. That would be insane. It was simply in the honor’s chambers. She came out and sat down and welcomed me. The process consisted of handing her my information and affidavit. She read everything, it all looked good, and she asked me the usual questions after I swore that I would tell the whole truth, etc. I am doing this to escape bankrupty or any legal trouble? Things like that.

When asked to give a reason, you merely have to say that you are transitioning and looking to change your name to your now preferred. If they ask for any proof regarding your “trans-ness” (and I can’t imagine that is in the least bit professional) you are not obligated as far as I know? Because that’s most likely a breach of your own privacy and overall... shitty???

Once it was all squared away, she signed and wished me a good day! Theresa made me official copies to keep, and others were e-copied to my official files.

It was done.

II. The judge isn’t responsible for the gender marker.

This comes down to the SSA (Social Security Administration), and I had been turned around by this. It apparently isn’t a “legal” matter in terms of the judge needing to be convinced, as far as my research has led me. All they require is that affidavit, as well as your court order for name change if you’re doing them at the same time and... yeah, it was easier.

Again, no questions other than if I’m doing this to avoid yadda-yadda or have malicious intent. It took about... five minutes of my agent typing before going “okay, it’s done” and handing me a paper declaring that I had this done on said date. It didn’t cost anything.

She said it would be an “overnight refresh” for the system to log this actual change to be used for the DMV, but as far as I was concerned, it was official! And very, very shocking how smoothly and just... unbiased the interaction was. 24 to 48 hours is the suggested waiting period before going to the next part...

III. The DMV, getting that license/ID.

Okay, so the DMV can be horrible sometimes but not always and in regards to this, those agents still aren’t allowed to refuse your service based on you being transgender because you literally have legal documents and the SSA to prove them wrong.

All you have to say is you’re looking to update your name and gender marker on the license, you’ll be asked to provide the infamous documents we’re all learning to love to carry back and forth everywhere and it should be set. They might ask several times to check everything to make sure there are no mistakes.

If you’re updating your address from an old one, they’ll need two kinds of proof of this address, I don’t think it matters if your older name is on there, I remember that being stated. I literally did not have anything so she offered to, no joke, give me a basic level fishing license that would have my name and the address I wanted on it. This counts as an official document they can use.

So now I can properly go off-shore fishing, I guess.

I think for my initial ID it cost $20 to print but this time it was around $37, so obviously be prepared to pay for the new one. It’s nice and shiny and please look nice when you go because oh god, I had to ask politely if I could retake. My hair was a cowlick mess.

BEFORE I FORGET: Since they’ll clip your previous card to mark it’s no longer valid, it doesn’t hurt to ask if you should hang onto it in case you need to provide further proof of your “previous identity”.

IV. Other things you will need to update ASAP.

Obviously, you should have your birth certificate “amended” but I have not reached out to do this yet as I can file for it through the mail. And you should be able to anywhere, just look up where your closes Department of Vital Statistics is, what they’re called, visit their site to see if you can do it only, through mail, or go there for an appointment if that’s easier.

Note: I went through the process of filing for the name change but it didn’t give me the option of the gender marker change there so it’s probably best, if you go through mail or in person if you get the same as me on your branch’s site.

You’ll need all your lovely files packed up and ready to go, further proof of identification (SSN, I imagine, original certificate) and that’s why I would think going in person is better. Having those very vital documents being handled and wondering if it will end up in the wrong hands... yeah. I don’t know how long this process takes and I’m not really headed for it ASAP so okay maybe this one isn’t an emergency. As far as I know, the only thing a birth certificate is used for, or the reason you would need it amended, is to update your passport with new name, gender, etc. And yeah, oh, duh, put your passport on the list if you’ve got one.

I literally have no idea if everyone just has one or only needs one for if they’ve traveled out of the country before. My father is from England so we did a lot of bouncing back and forth.

NEXT!

Okay, this one actually is very important and should be done same-day or as soon as you can. PLEASE UPDATE YOUR NAME ON YOUR BANK ACCOUNT(S). I CAN’T IMAGINE WHAT THE HELL WOULD HAPPEN IF SUDDENLY YOU WEREN’T ABLE TO ACCESS IT. You will have to show everything to your bank branch to get it updated for your account, again it’s a very unbiased and easy action. I was even given an enthusiastic congratulations from the clerk, it was very nice. There was no charge, I was given temporary checks as a back-up if anyone needed proof of who owned the account.

They did not cancel my current card but a new one will be mailed to you at the address provided with it. That didn’t change for me so updating that is beyond me. I imagine it’s the same as the rest.

Less immediate things that come to mind are things like... subscriptions to delivered goods, Amazon, Ebay, Etsy, sites like that. Obviously your paypal but the name change request is pretty easy through this process since you can now just fill out the form. I haven’t done it to its entirety yet but I assume they’ll ask for the scan of your new ID.

IV. Other notes and general advice.

> If you post your exciting news online anywhere with a photo of your new license, I recommend censoring out your DOB, current address if it’s on the front, obviously, and at least most of your ID’s number. Seems small but it’s still information that strangers who past the photo can use.

> This may take longer than it did for me, but that doesn’t make it any less exhausting. I couldn’t sleep sometimes, I barely had an appetite as the days crept closer and the anxiety was pretty normal. It lingered once I got home with everything done... but it faded. What came next was PURE, UNADULTERATED EXHAUSTION. Please take whatever time off you need to recover or just regroup and let yourself breathe. I’m still waking up having no idea if the process was real or not and I am suffering from this weird disconnect of it all??

> Go crazy, celebrate! You did it! I treated myself with ice cream and a nine-hour nap. For some this might be a mid-step or their last. I am a trans man who has yet to be on testosterone to for me, that feels like my “last” step in transitioning. There aren’t real milestones in transitioning, however, everyone goes at their own pace and does what feels comfortable to them.

Wherever you are in your journey, I’m very proud of you.

If you see information that may be confusing, please don’t hesitate to message me personally asking for clarification and I’ll try to get back to or ask someone who may know.

If you want to include fees and locations and advice regarding your own county and state, please, please do. As I said, this was only for Brevard County in Melbourne, FL. I can’t imagine it doesn’t differ here and there.

Good luck, everyone.

#trans resource #legal name change #gender marker change #post #govt crap

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whatifididsomethingnew · 5 years

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Take Your Medication

I’m a college freshman in my second semester. I’ve been struggling with depression and ADHD for who knows how long, but I was diagnosed(i think? idk if it was official) in my freshman year of high school and given medication for it sometime in my senior year.

I didn’t take the medication very often. I started off strong, taking the ADHD medication especially to get me through classes and make sure the dosage lasted me to sixth period, my worst class at the time. But over the summer I stopped because I decided that the positive effects didn’t make up for the side effects: a lack of appetite and dry mouth.

Below the keep reading is my experience with mental illnesses and medication. It’s long. tl;dr If you have access to medication, take it. It helps. And make sure the dosage is right for you

I’ve never been a bad student. Aside from failing algebra 2 in freshman year (ive never been good at “advanced” math, it was an IB class so even worse, and even better students agreed that the teacher was awful), I’ve gotten at worst 1-2 C’s per year. But since middle school I’ve found myself unable to pay attention, preferring to think about the book I want to read or the game I want to play or even just something else I started learning about. I figured out how to get by with finished homework and average tests. But I took about 6 AP tests in high school and only passed one, because I couldn’t study well enough to retain all the information I learned and forgot over the course, or pay attention to the exam to finish the multiple choice, or have enough foundation in the subject to write an essay that mattered at all.

This point in my life has almost certainly been my worst, depression-wise. I only live about twenty minutes away from my parents’ house, and I go home every weekend so I’m not just alone in my apartment for three days straight, but I’m still isolated during the week. My friends that are still in high school are busy with classes and extracurriculars and meeting with friends they still see everyday and very few of them have their own cars to drive up to visit me, and my friends in college are all busier than ever, all going to school anywhere from 15 minutes to like four hours away. My bad days are worse and happen more often and can span into bad weeks. I tend to write at best 1 page of notes after about 2 1/2 hours of classes a week, and drain my phone battery down to the sixties because I don't pay attention in lectures on subjects I’m not interested in.

In high school I couldn’t wait for college, because I could choose my classes and the times and had the opportunity to make friends! But I realized I’m bad at making friends; I made one friend in kindergarten, when times were simpler, and all my lasting relationships (aside from my online friends, whom I treasure dearly) can be attributed to that one friendship. (I actually made a flowchart during class when another student was presenting, and I had the energy and motivation because I actually took my meds today!)

All this personal information about my Bad Times™ is to make you understand how much I needed to take my medication. But I don’t have classes everyday, so I didn’t think that taking ADHD meds everyday was worth it, and I (incorrectly) recalled that taking the depression meds didn’t help me enough to validate taking it everyday, instead only when it got really bad, but that plan didn’t work because when my depression is bad I don’t even have enough energy to text back or walk like four steps total to get my laptop, let alone walk to the bathroom and get the pills.

So I didn’t take it, besides from when I worked my first 8-hour shifts at my first job. And those side-effects were extreme, because my body wasn’t used to these meds that were incredibly high in dosage because that’s what I need. I felt nauseous and dizzy enough to faint and went to the back room like four times an hour for a drink of water and it was still way less than I wanted. And I still didn’t learn my lesson about how the side-effects would get easier to handle if I took them more, but worse if I only took them on worst-case bases. I was thinking more in the moment about how bad I felt then, rather than about how I could feel better in the future if I pushed through.

I had a series of awful days, just last week. I cried several tears with no clear cause, only my own thoughts and boredom and depression, which means a lot in relation to me because I don’t cry. I watched Dear Evan Hansen and The Prom live, both with the original cast, and only cried a total of five tears at most, despite how these musicals and their subject matters are very dear to me. It was a bad week that came out of nowhere, nothing extraordinarily bad happened. I did the same thing as always, if not more. But still, it was a very bad week, because I was experiencing the heavy depression and it didn’t go away after I fell asleep. I don’t have classes on Wednesdays this semester; I have a lab on Mondays, and three lectures in a row on Tuesdays and Thursdays because I learned last semester that having enough leisure time to chill in my apartment for several hours between classes only makes going to the later class way more tedious. I usually get picked up by one of my parents on Thursdays while whichever of them it is drives home from work that day. That week I was lucky to have my Thursday classes cancelled, so I got picked up a day early.

Being home is good for my health, adding it all up. It makes me a bit insecure about being independent, but fuck that I’m only 18 and I love my parents, I don’t need to be completely independent yet. Being home only improved when @pointlessoressential moved in with me; having someone so similar to me in regards of being content sitting and doing our own thing without the expectation to have something to Do™ all the time. It’s good for me, to have someone around me so I don’t get too isolated, but also not too overwhelmed. I’m usually pretty open with my mom, too, so being with her during the weekend and being able to talk with her or watch some easy TV together is good. I’ve never been very good at opening up to people; my main characterization with friends I’m not as close with is sarcasm and puns and whatever other humor to distract both of us from personal issues. I’ve been trying to get better, with help and reminders from the aforementioned bee and mom, as well as my best friend (who yes my meeting of and bonding with can indirectly be connected to that kindergarten friend, if you were wondering) who is much more skilled at telling me about her feelings than I am. But I’m trying. So I told my mom about how I had been having a bad week, once I got home.

My mom has dealt with depression her whole life, too. Most of her life she thought she also had anxiety, but when I was diagnosed with ADHD, the psychiatrist who had prescribed me the medications I take explained to both of us that ADHD in afab people (I'd say women bc my mom is cis but I'm nonbinary, so afab people) can be misdiagnosed as anxiety bc it’s different from what TV shows it to be, and the reactive anxiety (as opposed to constant, causeless anxiety from an anxiety disorder) is a symptom of ADHD. She’s dealt with the same issues all her life, so I go to her often when I hit the wall.

She told me to take the medication. I said I didn’t like the side-effects. She bought me mouthwash that helps dry mouth and a box of Rice Krispies Treats so I can eat something small but filling when I lose my appetite. She reminded me that the side-effects would improve if I took the medication more often. I am privileged in that I had the opportunity to see a doctor for my issues and be able to afford (even if barely) my medication, and I should take advantage of that instead of taking it for granted.

This is a long post, sharing my personal story about having mental illnesses, and how medication helps. It may not feel like it took effect, but then it’ll wear off and you’ll realize the difference. It’s better to feel stable, to feel “normal” for most of the day, than to get used to feeling awful. I took my medication this morning before class; I’ve taken about five hours to write this whole thing, due to having begun it before one lecture started, then continuing it during another while also listening to my professor review the first five chapters of Return of the King and discuss it with us. And now I’m in my apartment, on my laptop, switching between ending this PSA and checking on due dates and reviewing my calendar and just being 10 times more productive than I ever am.

I don’t know if anyone will need this advice. I don’t know how many will even click the read more. But this is a blog site, and this is something I’m trying to learn and have it remembered. It’s something I needed to put into words, and now it is.

#mental health #medication #depression #adhd #american education #this has been a psa #mental health advice

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