am-3w

[am-3w]

One day you're scared to take the leap of being a single mom to 3 babies. And before you know it you're in your own safe space, your babies safe space while they color together at the table while you pack to move into your dream rental.

I can never imagine being in a position again where someone else can say I wouldn't have something if it wasn't for them. This peace is unmatched ❤️

[am-3w]

24+3

I had a midwife appointment today and everything went great. Baby boy is active and had a good heart rate. We went over my recent lab results, my bile acids went down so my medication is working. Were planning an induction for the day I turn 37 weeks or the following Monday. I have appointments every two weeks for the next 5ish weeks and then were on twice weekly appointments for NSTs and ultrasounds until delivery. I have 4 weeks until my glucose test. And then 4 weeks postpartum I'll be getting a tubal removal. I can't believe how fast all of this is going.

[am-3w]

Time is flying. Im 22+3. I was re-diagnosed with cholestasis two weeks ago, meaning baby boy will be here by 37 weeks via induction. Meaning we have less than 15 weeks left. Which is CRAZY. I had my anatomy ultrasound and he is perfect and definitely a boy 😂 I already have most of what I need for him and have instead been focusing on making my home cozy for all of us. Life has definitely started to feel more normal recently ❤️ and now I'm just so so excited to see my sweet boy.

[am-3w]

17+5

I just felt and saw him kick for the first time 😭❤️

[am-3w]

I'm 17 weeks tomorrow.

I'm also viewing a rental in a town over tomorrow. I got a promotion at work about 6 weeks ago and ive been busting ass and it's definitely paying off. I also got on antidepressants, under supervision of my midwife, about a month ago. I'm feeling super optimistic recently. I'm also getting really excited to meet this baby boy. See his little toes and kiss his little face ❤️

I promise I've still been around and I love seeing you momma's updates. I've just been refocusing my attention and I really feel like it's paying off.

[am-3w]

Men will really be like "Awe, you're a single mom? Wanna do it again?" 🙃

[am-3w]

Hi, hello.

Sorry for lack of updates. I'm SO tired 😂

I've had 4 ultrasounds in 3 weeks due to this damn hematoma and I FINALLY got rhogam so it shouldn't be an issue anymore. This ultrasound was taken at 9 weeks exactly (9+5 today) and baby BOY looks great and is growing on track to the day 💙

[am-3w]

Unconditional love isn't a free pass to hurt me.

[am-3w]

Did I impulsively buy a sneak peak test because I'm miserable and need something to look forward to in this pregnancy? Yes. Yes I did. 7+4 today. I had a follow up to my last ultrasound, my hematoma has gotten bigger. But so has baby so that's good atleast.

[am-3w]

Idk if I'm gunna make it out of this first trimester alive. I've been so sick and today was the worst. I won't throw up but I can't eat or drink anything because my nausea is so bad. I'm so beyond exhausted. The kids were at their dad's this last weekend and I slept from 10pm to 2pm the next day. When they're home Rhyan has been waking up 3-5 times a night asking for snacks. I'm so light headed that it's hard to stand for more than a few minutes but they swear my iron isn't too low yet.

Tomorrow starts my work week and I'm struggling so badly I don't even know how I'm supposed to pull this off recently.

[am-3w]

I'm 6 weeks as of today. I left work due to spotting. They believe I have another subchorionic hematoma 😕

[am-3w]

I'm 5+2 today.

This time has been different. This pregnancy was not only unexpected but not exactly.. wanted. And I feel so disgustingly guilty about it. I got a new job recently and the woman I work with everyday is infertile and it's eating me up knowing she's going to see me go through a process she deserves.

I go through phases where I get excited about experiencing it all again but the majority of the time it's just anxiety. I'm sure you can assume from my prior updates but the father is not the same as the other kids. Which is a whole other type of guilt. And I'm still not sure if this will be a joint effort or not. I don't wanna hear about options and I have no intentions of anything other than keeping this baby. And maybe I'll just get hate for this and probably take this post down.

I think I'm just having a hard time.

[am-3w]

Yall wanna see the biggest curve ball that's been thrown at me this year? (Maybe ever?)

BAM!

Baby #4 😅

Boy, do I have some stuff to tell y'all.

[am-3w]

Hi, hello.

Excuse me for the super inconsistent, overly emotional posts the past few months. It's been 4 months since the separation. Me and the kids have been in our own place for two months now. I'm prioritizing my mental health and my relationship with the kids. I found a wonderful daycare. Things are good and while we still have our days, those few months ago feel like a lifetime ago. I'm hopeful to have the ambition to do updates soon because these kids are growing and thriving ❤️

[am-3w]

Before you judge me, please remember at the end of the day I have to look myself in the face knowing I failed to give my children the family I never had, not just once, but twice.

[am-3w]

Its so crazy to me that a man who tried for not one, but two babies, went through fertility testing and treatments, can then go on and talk about never wanting to be "overwhelmed with kids again". At what point did you decide fatherhood wasn't for you? Maybe I should've taken more note when you told me all my talk of the baby I was actively pregnant with, was annoying. Maybe when I cried while painting our daughters nursery alone and again with our sons. Or maybe when I was struggling with my health, 9 months pregnant with two other kids and I BEGGED for you to get a job closer to home, even if you took a pay cut. So you came home and told me you took a new job, for less money.. but you'll be gone 5 days a week instead of the prior 4. If you didn't want a family, I wish you wouldn't have acted like I was the monster for finally leaving. I've never gotten help with a single night feed, booboo kissed, lullabies sang. I slept on the couch with a newborn in my arms and convinced myself I actually believed any empty fucking promises you made to get better.

[am-3w]

A New Chapter

I moved into a 3 bedroom apartment today.. an hour away from D. It's a smaller town but it's nice. Less crime, good schools. I don't know if it's quite sunk in yet. It's crazy how quickly things change.

I'm both mourning the life I had, while excited for the life I'm creating. That doesn't make it any easier though.