#off in a way that neither of them fully realised was Messed Up at the time but completely was

[loveinourowngrave]

the thing is. i’m a proponent of samdean starting precanon. not always but in a lot of contexts i like it. it just makes so much SENSE. the reason they act Like That in the first episode. deans constant nostalgiaing about wanting things to go back to the Way They Were Before. two teenagers kept continually isolated from the world (in terms of being unable to build lasting connections) sharing a room in a motel their whole life their only model a guy who’s excellent at blurring lines. but their age gap is 4 years that’s a lot for teenagers. immediate insane power imbalance. icl in any form of weecest sam is a victim on some level no matter how you spin it

[lightsoutletsgo]

gotta go my own way — ln.4

pairing: lando norris x reader

word count: 1.3k

warnings: angst to absolute crack and stupidity that makes no sense

request: Hi, can you do an angsty fic inspired by “I gotta go my own way” from HSM2. If can either be Charles or Lando or Charlando and they fuck up or something and reader leaves them? Maybe hurt/no comfort? It’s okay if you don’t want to

I fully thank @norrizzandpia for the hot mess that is the end of this fic. we couldn't stop cry laughing once we pictured the rest of the grid watching them sing the song and thus the end of the fic was born. (also credits to them bc I stole some of the dialogue lines they sent to my dm's!) happy reading! mimi 🤍 (I'm so so sorry if this isn't the request fill you were hoping for 😭)

taglist (all works): @arieslost - babe I'm so sorry I'm tagging you in this mess

“Y/N wait!!” You heard Lando call your name from the opposite side of the hotel courtyard and you turned to see him sprinting after you. You stopped and rested your suitcase next to you as he reached you, “Where are you going? Baby we can talk about this!” His hand reached for your arm and you stepped back with a sigh, “Lando… Listen…” He looked at you, pleading as he searched your face, “I guess I just need to say it straight right?” Your heart clenched, god knows this wasn’t easy, “Something about us just… doesn’t seem right these days…” You tried to speak as gently as possible, wanting Lando to understand you weren’t mad at him. “Neither one of us can help it, I know that, but it feels like whatever we try and do somehow the plan is always rearranged…” You trailed off, stepping back towards him and taking his hand gently. You didn’t look up at him, instead choosing to look at where his hand was now gently squeezing yours, his thumb rubbing back and forth in a soothing motion. Whether it was to soothe you or himself you weren’t sure but you took a deep breath to calm yourself. 

He didn’t say a thing, just gave you the space to continue talking, “I knew what I signed up for when I started dating you and if I went back and did it all over again I wouldn’t change my mind. I guess I just didn’t expect that it would affect my life so much? My job, my friends, my family?” Your eyes flitted up to his and you noticed how there were tears now pricking the corner of his eyes. “So what are you saying?” Your bottom lip trembled as you shrugged apologetically, “I’ve got to move on and be who I am…” It was so silent that you hardly dared to breathe. “Lando I’ve tried, I really really have but… Losing my privacy? Losing my time with the other people I love? Sacrificing my job? I just-” Lando scoffed and took his hand away from you “But what about us? What about everything we’ve been through?” “Well what about trust and everything that I’ve given up for you?!” You couldn’t help the way you raised your voice, Lando flinched at your words, seeming to realise how blind he’d been about your struggles, 

“You know I never wanted to hurt you…” You nodded and almost shrunk in on yourself, “I know…” Lando approached you slowly, not wanting to make you feel pressured or smothered, “I just need to know… Do you not love me anymore?” You let out a forced laugh as your eyes welled up with tears, “Do I not love you anymore? Lando I still love you so much that it’s killing me to do this but I know I have to-” “Why? If you still love me then why?!” “Because if I don’t leave you now then I’ll continue to give up everything else for you because I love you that damn much but maybe for a while I need to love myself!” You ranted, panting when you finished. 

He inhaled sharply and you couldn’t help but let the tears fall as you spoke quietly, “I’m sorry- “Don’t apologise. You have nothing to be sorry for.” His voice was firm,  “I have to go, my flight is in a couple of hours.” “I’ll miss you.” His voice was even softer, barely audible even though you were so close to him. “Who knows… maybe we’ll find our place in the world someday?” Lando gave a weak smile, “Yeah, maybe we will… Can I hug you? Just once more and then I swear, I’ll let you leave.” You nodded, unable to speak as you started crying harder.

Lando pulled you into his arms, as he too felt the tears start to fall, “I know you need to do this but it still really fucking hurts…” “I know Lando,” You pulled back to gently cup his face, “I gotta go my own way…” You smiled with a shrug. He pulled you closer to him and gently pressed a kiss to your forehead, your eyes closing as you inhaled deeply. “I’ll see you round?” “Yeah,” You grabbed the handle of your suitcase and started to walk towards the door, “I’ll see you around.” ✩ ♬ ���.🎧⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩ ♬ ₊.🎧⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧ ✩ ♬ ₊.🎧⋆☾⋆⁺₊✧

Alex sat on the balcony of his hotel room that overlooked the courtyard, enjoying the cool night air. The door opened and out stumbled Oscar and Logan, their eyes glassy from the alcohol they’d been drinking at the afterparty. Alex chuckled, “Steady on guys.” Logan gave him a hazy half-lidded smile, “I’m okay!” Alex snorted, “Sure you are.” He turned his attention back to his laptop where his movie was paused. “Oh look! There’s Lando and Y/N!” Alex followed where Oscar was pointing to see you dragging your suitcase and Lando running after you. “Oooo I missed them! Should I call them over? HEY LA- MMPH!” Logan’s shout was muffled by Alex darting to cover his mouth, “I think they’re fighting?” Oscar looked sad as Logan tapped Alex’s arm to release him, “Surely not? They’re the perfect couple?” Alex leaned over the balcony, thankful that it was quiet enough that they could hear some of the conversation.

“What’s up guys?” The door on the balcony of the room next door slid open and out stepped George and Charles, “Lando and Y/N are fighting?” “Lando and Y/N? There’s no way! They’ll work it out.” Charles said confidently shrugging. Oscar’s brows furrowed suddenly, “Are you guys hearing that music too?” George frowned and craned his ears, “Why does that sound like High School Musical?” “Alex, is your film playing?” Logan asked innocently, “You were watching High School Musical?” Oscar snickered, “NO!” “I don’t know if I should be more concerned that we’re hearing music coming from nowhere or that George knew what it was straight away…” George scoffed at Charles, “Excuse me but the second movie has the best songs.” 

“Is no one else concerned that it’s coming from where Lando and Y/N are?” Oscar pointed out. “Oh God they’re singing.” Alex’s jaw dropped open, “Shut up they’re not?” “I promise you they are.” George and Charles paused for a moment to look at each other before scrambling out of George’s room and down the hallway to Alex’s. They burst into the room and pushed their way onto the balcony, squishing in between Oscar and Alex to lean over the railing. Charles slapped a hand over his mouth as he heard Lando sing the next line very loudly and out of tune, “Are they high?” George pondered out loud, “What exactly is going on?” “Well it can’t be a fight, there’s no way that’s a fight.” Logan spoke matter of factly, “Do you think they’re aware of what they’re doing?” Their expressions varied as you warbled out a somewhat high note, 

“More than that, do you think they know we can hear them?” Logan’s hand came up to cover his ear, “Should we stop them?” Charles asked, “Nope!” “Absolutely not.” George and Alex spoke across each other as Oscar’s phone appeared out of nowhere in his hand and he held it up to start filming. “Are they okay?” Nobody answered Logan, instead just watching you and Lando, until they heard a cough from above them. Leaning back against the balcony and tipping their heads to look up they saw Carlos looking down at them, “That, my friends, is debatable. But it is entertaining, no?” Everyone’s attention turned back to the two of you as the song came to an end and you walked away from Lando, “Oh my god guys, I think that was actually them breaking up.” Logan stated as everyone stood there in shock. Nobody spoke for a moment until Carlos’ voice filtered down from the balcony above, “Also I’ve been out here the entire time and would like to let you know that Alex was actually watching Camp Rock.” 

[melodic-haze]

Hello, this is gonna be a bit different from my other asks, but if I don't ask now I will forget and regret it. I stumbled upon your brat Columbina sample--don't ask how I managed to find something so far back I just have my ways, loved it btw-- and I feel like Sparkle will be exactly the same way.

Now Imagine having to deal with both of them; Each fighting for your attention while also working together to push your buttons. Columbina using her voice and Sparkle doing Masked Fools shenanigans. Only for when you snap and "handle" one of them. The other gets a bit scared and tries to run away only to get grabbed and "dealt" with too.

Do with this however you would like, I just would like to get this off my chest and written down to help me remember this somehow lol. May everyone reading this have a great day and pulls.

-🍎

My backlog wild as hell huh hi gang 💀💀💀 to this day I'm still impressed and flattered at the fact you singlehandedly dug through my entire page for all the stuff I wrote BUT ANYWAYSSSS THIS IS CRAZY I COMBUSTED.....

Tbf I think out of the two of them, Sparkle would be the one to actually scare more. Columbina would put on a facade of fearing for herself while in the presence of such a feral mortal, sure, but like little to nothing would faze her I think. Though this MAY BE be due to how she's a LOT more...durable??? No that's not the word, but neither is insatiable, smth like that though. She can take a LOT more than Sparkle can imo, so she eggs you on to fully snap and take it upon yourself to ruin her COMPLETELY, no holds barred

Granted, she DOES feel that spike in adrenaline, but rather than fear it's probably from the thrill of witnessing just how wild and barbaric you can possibly get in such a situation. Columbina loves testing you beyond your limits and yout patience, and she doesn't mind getting roughed up in the process—actually, she rather enjoys it

Sparkle, however, absolutely LOVES messing with you to high heaven, yeah, but even SHE has her limits. The moment she realises she's gone perhaps a bit too far, she shivers bc she KNOWS something's off something's wrong she should go, such dangers is NOT fit for a Masked Fool as her (not when she's facing it anyway). Realisation be coming in TOO LATE though, and she realises this when you yank her arm back and push her on the mattress after discarding Columbina like some ordinary ragdoll. She'd be LOUD just saying 😜

Though there is that sort of twisted feeling in her that makes her realise that holy shit maybe she DOES like being roughhoused and put in her place like this????? You're DANGEROUS right now......but maybe she likes that. A lot. Helps everything in her mind vanish anyway, cuz a little death never hurt anyone! 😊

Both of them do make a point to do this again though. And that credit where credit's due, the other person did well......though Columbina would probably tease Sparkle for her fear

[forgeofthenine]

Not a request this time, just a little fic based off the song 'Mrs Hollywood' by Go-Jo. Reader is Tav and they/them pronouns are used throughout.

Hopefully you guys enjoy, next one up will be a set of headcanons :)

The three times you leave Dammon, and the one time you stay

the first time

The excitement reaches its peak around the forge, tieflings bustling to and fro as they prepare. Dammon pauses at his forge, wiping the sweat on his forehead with the back of his hand before turning towards the familiar crunch of gravel.

"Hey stranger." He jokes, turning towards you. "Or maybe I should call you 'our hero' now." The correction comes as he turns fully, eyes taking in the figure before him.

God he wishes they could stay, that he and his forge could be enough. But they have their destiny ahead of them. Dammon is already sure he'll be but a small part.

"I heard you weren't coming to the party, I wanted to say goodbye to my favourite blacksmith." His chest tightens as you say the words, not wanting to let you leave, but Dammons knows this is how things need to be.

"It's hardly goodbye, you'll see us again soon, won't you?" The question is one neither can really know the answer to, but they smile and nod anyway and that's enough for Dammon.

The second time

They'd been lounging on the hay in his forge, two days of idle chatting as he worked and asking that ox with much to human eyes random questions.

The assault on Ketheric Thorm has kept them all busy, Dammon at his forge, them trying to form a plan. "What if I just have Gale disintegrate him, Dammon?" The question comes from the corner of the room, where they sit by the open arches.

"Can Gale disintegrate him?" Dammon asks, pulling back from his whetstone. "Maybe you should just use this." He gives the sword a little flourish, holding it out to them. Jumping from the mess of a hay bale, they reach for the sword.

"Oh, this is beautiful..." hands delicately take it, admiring it before stowing it away safe in it's sheath. Just as Dammon thinks nothing they do could surprise him, they're already pulling him into a hug.

Arms wrap tight around his chest as they press in close to him. "Thank you Dammon, I feel like my words just aren't enough." They murmur, Dammons own arms looping close around their waist.

"Just come back alive, that's enough, don't keep me here waiting."

The third time

Rolans words pause as the footfalls of boots echo up the stairs to Dammons new forge, and the blacksmiths attention turns towards the potential customer.

Excitement courses through Dammon as he sees them crest the top of the stairs, a bright smile adorning their face as they wave. "Hi Dammon! Oh, is Rolan here too?" They ask, looking between the two tieflings.

"A few things broke at his new tower during your fight, I'm just giving a quote at how much it'll be to fix." Dammon explains, seeing the way Rolan eyes how his tail sways as he focuses attention on them. It's hard to contain himself, but they'll never know or realise, the way his body reacts only obvious to other Tieflings.

"Well, I know you're busy, but I needed someone to look at my sword. It took a bit of a beating while we were, uh, doing an errand for Astarion." The end sounds more like question than fact, but Dammon hardly minds as he carefully takes the sword from their hands.

"No problem, I'll have it done by tomorrow. So long as the absolute don't invade the city by then." He winks at them, smiling as they laugh and turn away.

"I'll be back, then!" They throw up a hand as they start to walk away. "See you later Dammon, bye Rolan. As they leave a steady silence falls over the two men, Rolans eyebrow raising slightly.

"Still waiting in line for them, then, prince charming?"

Dammons only reply is to hang his head in his hands.

The time you stay

Parties rage through the streets, the celebration of the absolutes control finally being destroyed. Fireworks fizz and pop outside, children shout and squeal, men sing merry drinking songs.

It's no surprise Dammon stays inside. He's never been one for parties, that much is obvious. What is less obvious is why someone is knocking on his door so late.

Opening it with a stifled yawn, he soon sees the very object of his affections. Standing up straighter, opening the door wider to let them in, one question runs through his mind. "What could bring you here on a night like this?" He's in near disbelief, almost wondering if he nodded off as is dreaming.

"The parties are great and all but..." they trail off, looking down to their feel as they toe the wooden floor. Glancing up again, they finish their thought. "But they don't include you, Dammon."

He can't help the way he pulls them in by the arm, this time being the one to start the impromptu hug. Tail wrapping loosely around their leg as they sigh against his chest, Dammon feels the way their body sags against him.

"Stay." He tells them, face pressing into their hair, bodies curling around each other. "Stay with me this time, I've been waiting so long." The hands gripping his clothing hold him tighter, their face pulling from his chest to look him in the eye.

"Kiss me Dammon. I won't be leaving again." They barely get to finish their sentence, a hand finding the side of their face as Dammon does the very thing he's dreamt about for so long.

Even the fireworks outside can't compare to the ones when they finally kiss.

[the-darklings]

Matthew calling Wanderer "Lady Dream" killed me dead and the only thing that can resurrect me is a drabble of Dream himself saying it (please)

pairing: dream of the endless x f!reader

wc: 1.2k+

warnings: jealous!Dream if you count that as a warning.

notes: got an idea that's too potent when I saw this, so LETS GO!!!

part one | series masterlist | ao3 |

“I messed up.”

Dream Lord doesn’t pause in his measured stride at your edgy words, his flame-kissed coat trailing after him. The Dreaming castle is abuzz, accommodating additional visitors from different domains, and you can’t recall the last time everyone was this frazzled. Everyone has come together as a well-oiled machine would, but tension hangs thick in the air. No one is happy about the new visitors or their purpose for being at the Dreaming. Dream himself hasn’t had a free second since; indeed, neither have you.  

“I highly doubt it,” he replies.

“No, Dream. I did mess up.”

“You have wandered realms for millennia, Wanderer,” Dream reminds, slowing to peer at you over his shoulder. His features soften a touch from their near-permanent rigidity lately. His voice, too, eases into a husky, gentle drawl, “You are familiar with royalty and courtiers from countless kingdoms. A great number of them regard you highly. Your insight and advice in navigating this situation have been greatly appreciated.”

Your unease quells briefly, soothed by his sincere comments. It’s still too easy to be caught off guard by Dream’s attempts to be more open, more appreciative of those around him. 

“You’re welcome,” you say softly, forcing down a gulp. “It's hard enough to remember a dozen different customs not to insult the guests. But I wanted to bring this to your attention first. Personally. So you don’t hear it from someone else first or, worse, the narrative gets twisted.”

Dream Lord rotates your way fully, moving closer. You’ve paused in a gallery. A new addition to the castle with multiple tapestries stitched from thick, luxurious cloth that hang across previously barren walls. Each one depicts various panoramas from different domains across the cosmos. It’s been a small, self-indulgent project you’ve undertaken in between travels, but given your recent company, it has gone down better than expected. Everyone relishes their kingdoms being paid homage to in the land of dreams. 

“What happened?” Dream questions somberly. “Did someone hurt you? Threaten you?”

Your hands wring together at the seeping darkness in Dream’s voice, fingers knotting. You swallow under his steady, hard scrutiny. 

“No, nothing like that. Certainly not with Cori around. It’s just… Cluracan invited me for a walk in Fiddler’s Green and, well, you know how he is. A flirt and an outrageous one.” A forced chuckle escapes you. Dream doesn’t smile or laugh with you. Some emotion pulses through his regal features, tucked from sight in seconds. “He’s a bit odd for a fae, if I’m honest. Surprisingly, he wasn’t drunk this time. So we got talking, and he was rather charming. It took me too long to realise he was, you know, hitting on me.”

You clear your throat, dragging your stare from the walls back to the Dream Lord standing in front of you. Dream’s bearing is stony, tense, his gaze hooded and mouth flat. Those pale irises seem to glimmer in the dusky light of the setting sun. 

“Hitting on as in… courting,” you rush ahead, examining the strain in his jaw. “He asked if we were mates. And I think I’ve spent too much time around Hob because I figured he meant pals, you know? Friends. I forgot fae have a different definition of ‘mates’. So I immediately laughed and said: Well, of course, Dream and I are mates. We’ve been mates for centuries. So Cluracan got this intense look on his face—I mean, he gets under peoples’ skin even more than Cori—then actually bowed. And then, well…”

Dream seems to glide closer—close enough to touch, to breathe in, his words a cold caress, “Then what?”

You swallow. “Cluracan said: I must apologise, Lady Dream. I meant no insult with my offer. I now understand why Lord Morpheus refused my sister. I would appreciate it if you did not mention this to him. I would not wish to complicate this matter further.”

A shiver races down your spine when Dream’s arm slips lightly around you, settling on your lower back. “And then?”

His words are impossibly soft, but there’s something about the way shadows pool around Dream’s sloping, sharp features that set shivers skittering down your spine. His hand seems to burn through your coat. There’s something about the tension you discern in each digit, as if he’s holding himself back from dragging you nearer and pressing you to him. He’s done so in the past numerous times, tucking you from sight in the folds of his starlit coat. Quiet, peaceful, cold and hot like those raging stars you sometimes glimpse in his eyes. 

“Then he, uh, left.” You don’t dare to move, curious to see what Dream Lord will do next. “And tripped in a creek. Which is weird because I’m certain there’s never been a creek there to begin with. It’s like it appeared out of nowhere. But anyway, I just… I thought I’d better tell you personally because Cluracan seems set on calling me Lady Dream now, and I don’t want you to overhear and take offence to it.”

“Why would I take offence to such a thing?”

You blink at his unhurried, probing question. Dream’s thumb strokes gently downwards—it’s so light, the contact, a mere graze, but there’s such potent power imbued into it you’re as good as naked beneath it, sensing the gesture through clothes and down to your marrow. Your breath wobbles before steadying. “Well, the implication…”

“Implication.” A deep, considerate hum vibrates from Dream’s chest, followed by a weighty, “Does this implication bother you?”

Does it? You’ve never cared for labels. Dream, to you, is everything. Those who matter most are aware of that, so why would anyone and their opinions matter? But they do. Deep down, you’re well versed with power that comes merely from what names you can evoke—whose favour in this vast cosmos you hold. But deeper than that lays a simpler sentiment: if you are his, in soul and name, you cannot be anyone else’s. Until you declare you are taken, then you are open. The brimming, dark scowl and icy, caressing whispers from his lips are displays of discontentment but not at any misstep on your part. But, rather, at the thought of another holding you so close. Another leaning down to touch their lips against yours. At the idea that you would permit anyone else this intimacy.

But there’s a more reticent sentiment to be read in the ancient, weary lines of his unchanging face: if you wanted another, he would not interfere. He would not hinder your happiness if you moved on and found someone else. He would not hinder you even if he wanted to. 

You slant yourself closer. “No, I suppose it doesn’t bother me.”

As if you could ever want anyone else but him. Sullen, stubborn, flawed, but yours despite it. 

Old ghosts flee from his regard, the weight on his shoulders lightening—a tiniest of smiles curving one side of Dream’s mouth.

He slants closer, his breath fanning against your ear. “Good. Because the title rather suits you, Lady Dream.”

an: Cluracan is a canon character that should appear pretty early on in S2 once Netflix stops being cowards. anyway, here's to hoping and hope you enjoyed : )

[theemporium]

[1.6k] your co-worker eddie munson had a knack for making you blush so it was only fair to return the favour.

.

Nobody was a bigger flirt than Eddie Munson.

Whether it was intentional or not, at least everybody who had ever spoken or interacted with the boy could vouch that he was a flirt. It was like a switch he couldn’t quite turn off, or a dial that was turned all the way to full. He was a flirt no matter who it was or what the situation was. 

And despite the reputation he held around town and what people whispered when he thought they couldn't hear, nobody was immune to Eddie Munson’s flirting because he was just so goddamn good at it. 

You didn’t quite understand how or why, but he was. 

Hell, you had seen a lady pushing her eighties fully fucking blush because Eddie apparently had enough game to even catch a senior citizen if he wanted to. 

Eddie Munson was a big fucking flirt and the reason you knew that so well was because you worked with him. 

You had both started around the same time at the record store. It was a small establishment, based downtown but it was loved and a staple in the community. From second-hand records to new tapes, to old instruments donated in to even some half decent equipment, the store had everything you’d want as a music fanatic for an affordable budget. 

You guessed pretty quickly that was why Eddie loved it. 

It didn’t take a genius to figure out that the boy loved nothing more in his life than music. He treasured his tapes like they were his most prized possession, he treated his guitars better than some people treated their kids and he could ramble on for hours if you let him (and sometimes you did let him because you liked the sound of his voice). 

For you, it was more so that you needed a job and a vacancy happened to pop up. You were nowhere near as passionate or well-versed as Eddie was, with your instrumental skills going as far as being able to play a solid two chords on the piano without it sounding too bad. But you clearly knew enough to be hired, plus you were more in charge of the genres Eddie didn’t really dabble into. 

It took a solid week of working with Eddie Munson for you to realise he was a flirt.

It took a solid five minutes for Eddie to work out that nothing got you blushing like some good ol’ cheesy pick up lines. 

And as the weeks passed and you two continued to work and share shifts together, an unspoken game had sort of settled between the two of you. One that neither of you ever really established, nor did you set down any rules. But it was a game you both went along with for reasons neither of you were quite sure of. 

“Hey, sweetheart?” 

You let out a small hum of acknowledgement, not looking away from the pile of vinyls you were currently sorting through. Whatever asshole that had taken the shift before you had done it all wrong and now you were left cleaning up their mess. 

“Are you a parking ticket?” 

You paused what you were doing, lifting your head to stare at the grinning boy who stood on the other side of the counter from you. “What?” 

Eddie’s grin only seemed to widen with your obliviousness. “Because you’ve got ‘fine’ written all over you, baby.” 

You let out an amused snort, tucking your chin against your chest in hopes that he wouldn’t see the blush growing on your cheeks but he always did. He always fucking did. 

And you never understood why you reacted the way you did. The pickup lines were nothing short of horrendous or bad. They were funny, sure you would give them that and you were almost certain he was reading them from some bad book or magazine, but you never quite understood why they made you blush. 

That never mattered to Eddie, because he loved to see the way your cheeks grew pink and the way you tried to act like they didn’t affect you. He liked pushing your limits, seeing how flustered he could get you in different situations, to see if you’d ever tell him to stop—but you never did. 

“We have a new shipment coming in later this week,” you told the older man on the other side of the phone, leaning against the counter as you went through the same speech you had already given him three times. “I would be happy to note down your name and reserve a copy for you to come and pick up. 

Blah Blah Blah

“Yes, I know this is frustrating, sir, but it is all we can do at the moment.” 

Blah Blah Blah

“Yes, I can give you a few moments to think over your options.”

You had been so caught up in the phone call that you hadn’t even noticed Eddie approaching you until you felt the heat of his body pressed up against your back, an involuntary small noise squeaking past your lips when his hands rested on either side of the counter, essentially caging you in. 

He didn’t say or do anything at first, his mere presence driving your senses into overload as you tried to act like the proximity didn’t bother you, that you were fully capable in acting like he wasn’t there. And you probably could have lied to yourself if it weren’t for the fact you weren’t even totally sure you were still holding the phone or not. 

And then he leaned his head down, the curls of his hair tickling against the skin of your neck and his breath warm against the shell of your ear as he leaned close enough so his lips were almost touching your skin. And then, only after holding that position for what felt like hours, did he finally fucking speak.

“If you were a fruit, you’d be a fine-apple.” 

And just like that, he was gone. Fucking gone. Leaving you with burning cheeks, a thundering heart in your chest and a very pissed off customer on the other side of the phone. 

It wasn’t until the three month mark when it became clear to you just what the game between you and Eddie was—and then again, you only realised it because it was spelt out to you by a mutual friend, Steve Harrington, who had all but enough of the runaround games you two were playing.

Because yeah, Eddie was a pretty boy. And yeah, he made your heart feel like it was gonna beat out of your chest and your stomach erupt in butterflies. And yeah, sometimes you just wanted to pull him closer and drag your fingers through his girls and down his shirts where you knew he hid a slightly toned stomach from the times you ogled him when his shirt rode up and—

Yeah, it was honestly a little embarrassing that it took Steve saying it to you for you to realise you had a crush on your co-worker.

And even more embarrassed when your friend told you that all those cheesy fucking pickup lines were Eddie’s stupid little way of trying to ask you out, to get your attention and see if you reciprocated any of his feelings. 

So, with some newfound determination and an urge to reimburse the three months of running around in circles over the stupid little game that formed between you both, you had a plan set in place. 

A plan that seemed to work perfectly on the next shift you shared together. 

It was the closing shift, the sign had already been turned over at the door and you both were just cleaning up the shop for the morning shift. The radio was humming with music, filling the space as you shuffled around each other until you had to move some boxes into the storage room in the back. 

You could see the glint in Eddie’s eyes that told you he had a pickup line planned, that there was one on the tip of his tongue and he was excited to use it on you. You couldn’t remember when you started noticing it, but you’d be lying if you said it didn’t make your chest warm at the mere sight. 

Grabbing the last box, you shuffled into the small storage room, struggling with a small huff to get the box on the shelf until a pair of arms wrapped around you, easing the box onto the shelf like it weighed nothing. 

Letting out a small sigh, you turned to face the boy and flushed him a grateful smile. “Thanks.” 

“No problem, sweetheart,” he said with a grin, and you knew he was gonna say it. You knew it was right there, ready to spill past his lips but you bet him to it. 

“Hey Eddie?”

He paused for a second. “Yeah?” 

“Kiss me if I’m wrong, but dinosaurs still exist, right?” 

Eddie blinked. And then blinked again. And then blinked a third time because he was still not sure he heard you right. 

“What?”

A grin slowly started to spread across your face. “I said, kiss me if I’m wrong but—” 

“Yeah, you’re fucking wrong,” he grumbled before he reached to grab your face in his hands, his lips on yours before you even had the chance to say anything. 

Your hands tightened on the fabric of his shirt, tugging him closer until your back was pressed against the shelves of boxes and his body was pressed completely against yours. You let out a soft moan when his tongue swiped over your lip, teasing you, taunting you. 

“Guess those pickup lines worked after all, huh?” he whispered against your lips and you could feel the smile on his lips. 

You snorted, slapping his chest lightly. “Don’t push it, Munson.” 

“Oh baby, it’s only gonna get worse now that I know you can kiss like that,” Eddie said with a grin that told you he was pretty damn serious about his threat. 

“At least take me on a date first.” 

His grin widened. “Deal, sweetheart.”

.

[myafterlifeisbetterthenyours]

I’ve been reading these for at least a few months and I’ve been really enjoying them! Can you do something where husk, Charlie, Octavia, and loona(all done separately) with a reader who doesn’t have the confidence to ask them out so they do the whole “secret admirer” thing with letters and stuff?

Your Secret Admirer~

Husker

Now, when you first joined the Hotel, you never intended to fall for someone. And you certainly never suspected youd fall for an alcoholic, scruffy cat.

But with you spending each evening at the bar, and him being the only real companion you had, you'd quickly fall for him, especially as he warmed up to you.

Of course, you hadn't the guts to confess, especially with someone as blunt as him. As such you did the next best thing.

You wrote him a love letter.

Now the first letter was accidentally ignored, the Cat dropping it and when you'd tried to broach the subject, the cat seemed oblivious.

So, you kept it together. Keeping a level tone, never acting out. But still feeling... well, down.

But a week or so later, the Cat would find the letter, and after pulling it out and reading it he'd be a blushing mess, totally unsure of how to handle the letter.

Now, when you'd speak to him again, you'd see the letter, realising he'd finally read it, and with that your hope was renewed.

So, you wrote him another letter. Leaving it on the bar, the same place as the last.

And this time, he found it the next morning, blushingly reading it as he genuinely had no idea how to handle the affection.

And after the first few letters, and a bout of sober contemplation, the cat derived an ingenious plan.

He'd drink again, as he always did, but this time he'd go extra light on drinks, the cat sneaking by on only a drink or two.

And due to him actually being semi sober, he'd finally realise how nice it was having you around, you keeping him company much of the night and honestly, the cat was surprised at how much he enjoyed having you around.

Of course, imagine his surprise when as he laid across the bar, pretending to be out drunk, the way he often ended up at night.

And imagine your surprise when you 'carefully' approached him, placing down the letter, only to be snagged by the cat.

He'd pop up, and this wasn't a 'drunken knee jerk reaction' he'd given on other occasions.

No, this was a 'clear eyed, fully sobber standing', the cat popping up before you.

You stared at each other for what felt like hours, neither of you daring to look away.

He'd hold your wrist for several more minutes before he'd ask simply. "W-why?"

And so, after Blushing up a storm, you'd tell him. "W-well, Uh, your pretty cool. You spend time with me without treating me feel like an idiot and your funny... your nice to me."

Youd look away, scratching your cheek before adding. "Plus... your really hot."

At that the Cat would blush, scratching his neck as he looked away, commenting how he liked you too, the Cat asking if maybe you'd like to go out or something.

To which you'd beam, eagerly snatching up one of his paws, telling him eagerly that you'd love to!

The date itself was at the Hotel, the cat, with a good bit of help from Nifty, would set up a meal for the two of you.

He'd even get all clean, showering off his usual heady scent of alcohol, the cat all anxiously awaiting you.

If the cat was nervous, you were freaking out, awkwardly stumbling over yourself to try and keep it together.

Your first date would end less than spectacularly, the both of you blame yourself for its failure.

So, after half a bottle of Alastors good wine, he'd show up at your room, the two of you sharing the bottle as you spoke.

Youd both reach for the bottle, pausing as your hands touched, the two of you staring at each other before well, instincts kicked in and you began making out.

You spent the night together. Joined in hot, passionate sex together as you both poured everything you had into it.

The next day you'd wake up, groggy from the bottle of vintage you'd shared. But unlike some shameful one night stand, you found yourself comfortable against his furry form, the two of you basking in your morning glow, despite the hangovers.

Youd begin a somewhat casual Relastionship. Neither of you wanting to force anything, wanting to give the other space.

But you found you just... didn't need to.

You got along excellently, and well, that transfered naturally into your relationship.

Youd spent most your time with the other, usually at the bar, since he was the Hotel's bartender.

But you also spent most your time when not at the bar together, your relationship quickly getting deeper and deeper, the both of you coming to love each other.

Of course, it took a while for you to come to terms with this sorta stuff, particularly Husker, as he'd basically forgotten how to feelings.

But given some time, you'd develope a deeply intimate and loving relationship.

Of course, the Hotel would discover it. Angel would be upset Husker ended up with you. Charlie and Vaggie accepting it, but also kinda upset at loosing a patient.

Alastor... was an issue, as he basically owned Husker and wasn't above manipulating the both of you, so you'd just endure it, hoping to wait out his contract so he'd be free to be with you.

But I imagine you could reason with him, although Husker would probably have to play nice with the radio demon, at least till he was free.

Charlie

Charlie watched as Angel looked over the letter for what was likely the seventh time

She was quite shocked upon waking up and getting ready for the day, only to find a letter had been slid under.

She was even more shocked to find the letters contents to be a declaration of aduration, the letter essentially singing her praises.

Now, she had initially taken the letter to Angle to see if it had been some prank from him, something he himself admitted was right up his alley, but after reading it once more, he'd tell her bluntly. "Well, someone wants ya."

Charlie, through a Blush, sputtered out. "Wh-what?!"

To that, Angel laughed, propping his head up on one of his many arms as he tossed the letter back to her.

"Simple toots. Someone has the hots for you but don't got the balls to tell ya in person."

Charlie just held the letter in her hands, a gentle flush on her cheeks as she wondered who it could be.

She already eliminated Angel, and she doubted it could be Alastor and Neither Husker or Nifty seemed viable options.

She doubted it was Vaggie, her best friend was too up front to waste her time writing her a letter.

So that left... you.

She blushed thinking about it.

And she blushed every morning, when she woke up, finding a new letter waiting for her.

Each one was better and sweeter than the last, and reading your letter quickly became the highlight of her day.

She would, of course, let her best friend in on the secret, Vaggie promising to keep it to herself. And when the moth would ask if she was sure it was you.

But all it took was a little snooping to find definite clues leading to you. You weren't that subtle.

Now, while Vaggie kept it together well enough, hiding her knowing it was you. Charlie wasn't so good at it, and while she was never too blatant, she did start treating you differently.

She was nicer to you, spending more time with you and generally acting more friendly.

And this went on for a week or two until, after a particularly loving letter, she'd finally act.

Now, you'd honestly expected to find your first love letter in the garbage, if not burnt to cinders.

There was no way you'd expect someone as amazing as Charlie, let alone the princess, to like you back.

But since you started writing them, Charlie had only seemed to get even friendlier, spending even more time with you.

This only fuelled your affection, and after your most loving of letters, you'd be sat in a lounge room, reading a book when Charlie walked in.

Youd greet her, happily welcoming her.

Only for her not to say anything back, the girl approaching you with rosy cheeks. Well, even rosier than usual.

And after stopping before you, she'd hold out a letter.

Seeing it, you'd instantly blush, shakily reaching out and grabbing the letter, pulling it back before looking up at her.

Youd look down, shakily opening the letter.

Youd find a heartfelt letter, the girl telling you she'd love to go out with you.

And so, through an absolutely blushing mess of a face, you eagerly agreed. Blushing even harder when she hugged you close, telling you she was looking forward to it.

Youd go out together, first to dinner, then to a movie, the girl acting as a fairly regular teenager and of course, you were a blushing mess the entire time. Blushingly following after her like a puppy, the two of you blushingly holding hands.

Youd walk her to her door. In the hotel. Which felt a little odd, not that you could tell, youd be freaking out the entire night. The two of you confessing you really enjoyed your time together.

You both agreed with the others assessment, agreeing to do it again. The both of you smiling ear to ear as you parted.

Octavia

Octavia was sat in her family kitchen, the girl mid way through a bowl of Greed Seeds as her father walked into the room.

He'd be perusing the mail when he'd find one for her, pausing before walking over and handing it to her.

The girl, seeing the letter, quickly snatched it up, jumping up and kissing her fathers cheek before rushing off, leaving Stolas a bewildered lamp post.

Octavia rushed to her room, jumping onto her bed with a very teenage giggle before she carefully opened the letter.

She found another love letter.

It was beautifully written, as they all had been, the page a beautiful poem of your adoration.

The girl just laid there, red faced, grinning ear to ear.

The letter ended with your usual 'with loving adoration, ~your secret admirer.'

But this time, at the very bottom it said, 'I hope I'll be seeing you at the next gathering.'

With that revelation, Octavia eagerly awaited the next Royal gathering.

Now normally, she despised these gatherings, being stuffed in a room of stuffy and stuck up A-holes isn't her idea of a good time. But now she had you, her secret admirer, to look forwards to.

And she was looking forwards to it, after several weeks of getting love letters, she was eager to finally meet you.

So, after a few days, the gala came around, the girl eagerly dressing up, doing her best to make herself presentable.

Entering the ball room, desperately hoping you weren't some creepy old guy sending her letters.

She acted naturally throughout the night, being pulled into the occasional conversation and ignoring the teenage nobles that seemed to gravatate towards her, most smug teenegers that thought their status meant they should instantly be allowed in her pants.

It'd be as she sipped punch at one of the tables that she'd glance up, only to lock eyes with you, you breaking into the biggest Blush she'd ever seen.

You stared at each other for several minutes, neither of you looking away.

She'd stand there for another minute before she'd take the initiative, approaching you, the girl standing before you.

Now stood before you, she'd ask simply. "Are you my secret admirer?"

And after several seconds of pregnant silence, your face getting even redder, you'd nod, pulling out another letter, you holding out to her.

She'd look down at it, finding it identical to all the others.

Pulling it open she found a simple question written out as all your writing was.

"Will you go out with me?"

At that she'd smile, nodding her head before grabbing your hand, the two of you walking off, sitting in a nook as you got to know each other, the two of you turning out to have a lot in common.

Youd spend much of the night talking, the two of you friending each other on your mutual social media, just spending the time together until the gala would finally end, you and Octavia parting with a gentle kiss, promising to meet up soon.

You just blushing up a storm, eagerly nodding your head.

Loona

Now, your whole 'secret admirer' shtick really didn't last that long with Loona.

The first one, she'd chocked up to a prank from Moxxie, Loona know full well the Imp was too much of a pansy to do anything serious to her.

But then when she got the second letter, this one being far more straightforward with your adoration, the girl was left a blushing mess.

Of course, she quickly pulled herself together, and after only a few moments of thought, she realised it simply had to be you, you were literally the only person it could be.

But, upon reading over the letter again, she found it was nice having someone complimenting her like that, so she let it go on a few more days, just enjoying the praise.

But after the first week she'd confront you, and while you tried to play it off, she'd literally compare your hand writing to the letters, finding it a perfect match.

And so, faced with undeniable proof you'd concede. After that, Loona would ask why you hadn't just asked her out, to which you'd tell her bluntly she was way out of your league.

She was attractive and confident and she was the most deadly and incredible woman you'd ever met and well, you couldn't contain yourself any longer. But you hadn't the balls to tell her In person. So, you wrote it down.

After suppressing a blush, the girl almost giddy at your complements, Loona would ask if, well, if you'd eanna go out?

To which you'd instantly break into a blush, something Loona thought was cute before timidly agreeing.

The girl plaid it of, trying to keep her cool, but in reality, she was giddy inside, tale actually wagging as she left, wondering where you should go on your first date.

[thesherrinfordfacility]

how in the world do you do it? i sent that ask yesterday and i'm still making my way through your masterpost kind of reeling- almost every moment i paused the show (s2 especially) and thought, that's weird, but couldn't put my finger on why, you've talked about, and expanded on, and it's all so well put. you're slowly curing the countless little ⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ bouncing around in my head. it's so satisfying, too, to see all those asks with LWA disagreeing with popular fanon. i'd been thinking it was only me.

i'm curious about your interpretation of the bullet catch, specifically aziraphale's motives. i scrolled through a few of your tags and didn't find much about it, but i might have missed something.

i've seen people say it was retaliation for the holy water request (ooc?), or some deliberate test of crowley's willingness to go through with it (and so go through with their relationship, in spite of the danger, or something). then, of course, there's the generally accepted afaik "elaborate trust fall, general aziraphalean ridiculousness" version, but convincing somebody to nearly shoot you seems like a lot (understatement), even then.

it comes across to me as a bit cruel, if that makes sense. this isn't reliant on crowley not wanting to shoot him, or just doing well under pressure. if he's never even shot a gun before, this is almost entirely luck, and i don't buy that the only thing at stake is paperwork, however much they repeat it to themselves. crowley's hands wouldn't have been shaking so badly. if he messes up, he's gonna hurt aziraphale, or have to watch his human body die. it's so fucked.

maybe it could be said that, without their miracles working, they knew they were being watched, and had to continue, but i don't buy that either. aziraphale didn't act like he felt threatened afterwards until furfur showed up- was doing the complete opposite.

that's all i've got for now, but yeah. this blog is awesome and i'm so here for your sideburn theories. have a nice day pls

oh anon✨ you're so sweet!!! i really dk about all that, i just like chatting shit and trying to spot patterns/contradictory stuff/things that don't make sense beyond the script (if that makes sense), so whilst you all might not get Smart out of me you will at least get Passionate🤌

(also YES for LWA appreciation, they deserve it 💕 - still dont know why they do it but im just happy to be involved)

ooooh okay bullet catch. couple of thoughts from me:

aziraphale was happy to go on stage and try to ameliorate the situation between crowley and mrs h (my beloved), but reticent to scope out any Showy-Offy tricks from goldstones shop

crowley hyped aziraphale up enough to go into the shop and find a new trick to perform; hes the angel who fooled nefertiti and is performing on the West End Stage, after all!!!

aziraphale is taken in by the bullet catch trick upon seeing it, but was previously happy to consider another trick. he also, presumably, wasnt aware of the element of trusting a stooge until it was told to him

aziraphale persuades crowley to perform it, even when crowley is obviously uncomfortable, and crowley isn't truthful with him re: firearms experience

crowley agreed, providing that they make use of their miracles if it goes tits up

aziraphale doesnt inform crowley on any of the plan; crowley is notably caught unawares when called out in the audience

miracles don't work, neither of them stop the performance. crowley once again still very uncomfortable, literally shaking on stage, and yet seems to calm at aziraphale ploughing on ahead.

so okay, yeah, ive basically just recited the scene - but a few conclusions:

aziraphale doesn't want to let crowley down or embarrass him by backing out of the act, or indeed by messing it up

i think there's probably some element of aziraphale doing it for himself (self-esteem), but in a way that, post-Realisation, he is showing off a bit... it strikes me that crowley wasn't fully cognizant of this little hobby of his, and aziraphale is taking a moment to do something that (bless him, he thinks) he's good at, and wow crowley as a result

i don't think the holy water request came into his motivations at all, for the same reasons you said. however, it is an appropriate mirror to the holy water request narratively; i think it will come back up in s3, and i think the bullet catch will at least emotionally inform aziraphale on whether to give crowley the water or not

as for crowley's motivations in going along with it; i think to some extent he's paying back the favour, but mainly that it's truly just to make aziraphale happy. a step beyond that; to him, aziraphale is in need of something, and that is something aziraphale is only trusting crowley to deliver. crowley of course assumes miracles will be their safety net, so agrees to be aziraphale's knight in shining armour (*cough* playing hero)

when the miracles fail, aziraphale still has trust in crowley to do it properly. crowley however is left to trust in aziraphale's trust in kind. he still wants to do this for him, but the stakes are a bit higher in that he could shoot his best friend (?) in the face and not see him again on earth for any number of years (imo, it's never, ever been about the paperwork). but aziraphale isn't backing down; is crowley about to disappoint him? of course not.

tl;dr: they're both arseholes for their respective lacks of transparency with each other, deliberately put themselves in harm's way, and it was by sheer luck that they pulled it off. but it is a huge seismic shift in how they see each other, and i don't think we've been shown/suggested the full implications of the whole thing just yet.

thank you so much for your kind words, they honestly make my day!!! hope you have a lovely day too!!!✨💕

[bungobble-my-balls]

Dollhouse Siblings AU: Backstory

('Dollhouse Siblings' are Nikolai, Lucy, and Q. I thought these characters would be interesting together as secret siblings, so I made up a backstory for them).

So I've decided, since it's gonna take a LONG time to get to the key moments with these three in BITB (dollhouse siblings is more likely going to be an Arc 3 plot point), I'm just gonna post content of them anyway and just not mention any key plot points to avoid spoilers. I originally wasn't even gonna reveal that dollhouse siblings happens in the fic but oh well, I want to have fun with these guys now and not wait years for it.

Good thing is, the dynamic and backstories I made for them aren't BITB exclusive, so they can still be enjoyed outside of the fic. Anyways,

Nikolai and Lucy:

(Lucy is trans in this AU, so I'll be referring to her as 'he' while she's a child. Also Lucy isn't her original name but for ease I'm just going to keep calling her Lucy here)

- Neither Nikolai or Lucy were born with their present hair colours. The two are naturally pale blond, with the same turquoise eyes. Their hair matches their mother, and their eyes match their father. Lucy especially matched him, considering she also sported the same ring shape in her eyes that her father had.

- Nikolai and Lucy were born and raised in a small closed off village in Ukraine. The village was essentially a cult, but their father denied this heavily. He believed the leader of their village was a great man and that he was helping that man achieve great things with his research. Neither of the siblings knew exactly what this research was.

- The youngest children of the village would be taken away every midday-evening to the 'research facility'. Nikolai was no longer young enough to go, so he'd attend the nearby school while his younger 'brother' was taken by his father.

- Lucy was an obedient child, but was also fussy when it came to his appearance. He always complied, up until the point someone tried to cut his hair. In this traditional village all the young boys are meant to have short hair, but to make sure Lucy complied with the 'research' they allowed him the exception of having long hair.

- Nikolai adored the hair his mother had, the beautiful braid, but whenever he asked her to teach him how to make one she just tried to keep to herself and passively ignored him as usual.

No one touches Lucy's hair because of how agitated he'll get about it, so it would usually hang in a long tangled mess in front of his face if not for Nikolai looking after him.

He tried to braid Lucy's hair to look like their mother's, but it ended up coming out not 'quite' right. It was a bit loose and spiky looking. Nikolai instead decided to name the style as his own style, as their own style. He tried to teach Lucy how to braid it, but he could only reach the lower half of his hair, so he usually had low twin braids when he did it himself. Nikolai often did it for him, and the small bonding activity was always nice for the two of them.

- Nikolai was raised to be obedient, but he realised very young how curious he was about the world outside the village. It started when he saw some birds from the nearby forest suddenly fly overhead and far from the village. There must be something else out there, a place they were going to. It was unfair that they had the freedom to just fly away from everything and see more, while Nikolai was trapped here with just his legs and no way of knowing what else is out there.

- When he's able to sneak his little brother away, he takes him to the forest and they play games. He's done this since Lucy was only a few months old. He also teaches Lucy about the birds, and freedom, and how he shouldn't accept a life forever in this place. He doesn't want his younger brother to become brainwashed. He's still young enough to not be fully affected, and it was already rare for Nikolai to 'wake up' and see the truth. He wants to prepare his brother. Maybe one day they can escape together and see what's out there. He doesn't know when, but maybe one day he'll see an opportunity.

- One day, when Lucy is 4 years old, he goes missing. The village stops what they're all doing to search for the missing child. Nikolai goes to the forest, and he runs into a single door. When he opens it, he finds his younger brother inside. Lucy looks like he's playing happily, an unfamiliar expression for him, and he excitedly brings Nikolai into his 'new play room'. Nikolai convinces Lucy that they need to leave wherever 'this' is, not yet realising that his younger brother is causing it. He believes it's some kind of monster trying to lure his brother away. When he opens the door again to leave, it opens not into a forest but into Lucy's room, and they're now facing their mother and father.

- Their Father is absolutely thrilled at this discovery, and Lucy is suddenly praised as 'a blessed child'. He says something about his research finally showing results. Lucy is not the first 'blessed child' this village has had, but they are extremely rare. The few blessed usually join the researchers as they get older. Nikolai is not thrilled to find out that his younger brother will now be taken away by his father even more. He worries that this might cause him to get too involved and stuck here.

- One day their mother approaches Nikolai, and asks him to tell her what he knows about his brother's 'ability'. Nikolai is hesitant, considering it's unusual for his mother to speak to him, or anyone besides their father. She's usually just as quiet and reserved as the two siblings. She eventually convinces him by explaining that she's also worried about Lucy, about their father taking him away too much recently. She says she wants to understand what's going on so she can help, but their father won't tell her anything. Nikolai makes the mistake of believing her, and trusting the maybe his mother is finally deciding to act like a parent and wants to help them.

Nikolai tells her what he understands of Lucy's blessing. He says she can create doors to 'a room', and the doors seem to make Lucy and anyone in the room teleport.

- Not long after, Lucy and his mother are missing. A letter was left for their father, explaining only that she has decided to leave for good. Lucy's ability could help her, so she had no choice but to take his 'blessed child'. She wished the two of them well. Nikolai's mother had left the village for good, and she had taken Lucy with her. Lucy was free, but Nikolai was still trapped. He wanted to be happy for his brother, but all he could think about was the fact that he was still trapped. That they could never go together because he would never be able to find him. That his mother had tricked him.

- After their mother leaves, Nikolai's father is in a pathetic state of grief. He talks about how she was 'the love of his life' and how 'he'll never find a woman like her' (despite the fact that he never acted this way while she was here. She seemed more like his property). Nikolai never liked his father entirely, but he at least respected him, even if he internally disagreed with him. But his father's attachment to someone else has now caused him to crumple into something utterly pathetic at the loss of it. Nikolai can't even stand to look at his Father anymore.

- Nikolai's desire to leave only grows with time as he gets more restless, and as his resentment for his father grows. The stress of everything starts to turn his hair white, and on the day he realises its fully turned white, he also realises he has an ability. Despite now being 12, Nikolai still ends up developing an ability later than expected. (Most people gain their abilities before they even reach 7 years of age). It's a manifestation from his pain of being trapped in this place, the perfect power to finally free him, a teleportation ability. It manifests from one of his own bed sheets. He plans to leave as soon as he figures out how to use it.

(In actuality, Nikolai's father had been secretly experimenting on him in the way he did when he was younger. With Lucy now gone, his father still wanted to have a child that was a success. The village rules didn't allow for children past a certain age to go through the research, considering it a waste of resources, so he did this in secret. Nikolai's hair was turning white over time because of his father injecting him while he slept).

- Nikolai left as soon as he could, but not without causing a bit of havoc first. This village trapped him for his entire youth, it would only to continue to trap every other child that grew into it. He freed them from the cursed cycle. He figured out a way to use his ability to kill multiple people at once. He unfortunately didn't manage to kill everyone, but he was able to free most of them, and the village was so destroyed that he could at least be satisfied with the knowledge that the cage was broken.

This was empathy. He bloodied his hands and soul to set them all free. He was freeing them from the cage they didn't even know they were in. This was a mercy.

His father, unfortunately, got away.

- Nikolai figured that it didn't look right to just be carrying around a bedsheet everywhere. He had worn it around his shoulders as a cloak before, and came up with the idea of turning it into a proper cloak. A little bit of threatening towards a seamster he found, and he had his new look. Despite Nikolai growing as he got older, he never had to adjust the cloak because it would grow with him, as if it was now a part of him.

- As Nikolai got older, he let his hair grow out, considering his village was always so strict about keeping his hair short. He eventually started to tie it in the same way he tied his younger brother's braids years ago. His younger brother was the first person to escape the village, wearing those same braids. He now considers this style to symbolise freedom, and he wears them himself to show that he is also free. From the village, from their brainwashing, from everything. It's also a way to still feel connected to the sibling he lost years ago.

- Now that he was free, he finally left he village to explore the world outside of it. Instead, Nikolai found himself in an even bigger cage. So many people were still trapped, and they didn't even know it. Nikolai set to work freeing whoever he could, and his work eventually caught the attention of a man named 'Fyodor Dostoyevsky'. The man talked with him, and understood him in a way no one ever has. He agreed to join his organisation.

-

So what happened with Lucy?

I'll make another post on that, going into detail on some Lucy backstory and her time at the orphanage too.

I might not go into Q's backstory and how they connect to these two though, considering that might be a more plot relevant reveal for the fic. I will say though that in this scenario, Q is their half sibling. Same father, different mothers.

[thecoolerliauditore]

PLEASE post ur self harm etc. headcanons, for i do not have the courage (and i really like ur takes)

Hi sorry this spawned that other out of hand post. Thanks for liking my takes it's purgatory in here.

Anyway:

Pearl in Double Life is pretty much the most straightforward example I can think of in the series, Scott hurts her in multiple different ways and the only thing she has within her power to get back at him with is with hurting herself. Despite that it definitely does impact Scott, I'd argue this ends up hurting Pearl more in the long run because Scunt Smajor emotionally waterboards himself into not giving a fuck.

While her physical habits stop with Double Life, I'd argue emotionally she still has some lingering feeling of self-hate she expresses through her need to die for her teammates in both Limlife and SL. Since this is less straightforward than DL, however, she doesn't view it as self harm and is taken aback when Bdubs, for example, insists on refusing her offer.

I think she's mostly fine now with her refusal to die lying down against Gem or Scar being her final realisation that she can and should fight for herself. Now she is haunted by different demons (the demon is called scott smajor)

~

Scott is difficult because I don't think he views any of his self-destructive habits Ever has self-destructive. If anything, sacrificing himself is the noble and good and correct thing to do.

In my head, although I do think I may be giving him too much credit, it's a combination of losing Jimmy early in 3L and winning LL riding off of Pearl's coattails that has left him with some need to not feel grief again (dying before your teammates can, leaving them with the grief and guilt instead) and to mimic what Pearl gave him (her funneling him lives VS him having people Literally Kill Him)

I do think, like Pearl, he cared very little for himself in DL and that's why he hurt himself so casually so often. Although unlike Pearl I doubt he was aware of his own feelings of self-hate through any of it and viewed what he was doing as a Necessity to fight against Pearl.

Unfortunately he's now pretty much integrated his sacrifices as part of his identity and I don't see him snapping out of it anytime soon, neither is anyone going to question him on it since it benefits them directly.. (Cleo I will tear you to shreds)

Adjacently relevant I do think his last DL death is a suicide and wish more people called it that instead of a "sacrifice".

~

I mentioned before that I'm scared of talking about Scar and I still am but I think it'd be wrong to not at least mention him and his whole thing in DL.

In my head a lot of what Scar does is protecting himself through a persona (similarly to Pearl and Scarlet Pearl) and his "silly" behaviour is indeed a very genuine part of him but also a product of that. I have to stop talking now or else the snipers

~

This is more in the air (I'm more referencing stuff outside of the series so. Dubiously canon) and I'm sorry to my mutuals but I do think Jimmy self-harms but only in a very emotional sense. I'll be honest I think if he tried doing what Divorce Quartet did for example he'd mess up and just die.

That being said I do think him constantly throwing himself into romantic or sexual situations he clearly isn't fully onboard with is self-destructive, personally I attribute it to 3L trauma and him trying to fight back against his own naivete which has been used in the past to mock him (i.e. Scott infantilizing him during 3L or the "Timmy" stuff to a lesser extent).

Sometimes it ends up more or less harmless (e.g. his shenanigans in the last plate up stream they did where he was "only wearing an apron") and sometimes it does end up further traumatizing him (e.g. the maid dress thing in sos) but eitherway there's this deep desire for affection and respect in him that he deals with by expressing romantic desire (because in order to romance someone you'd have to treat them not only intimately but also As An Adult) that he doesn't really think through completely.

~

I could swear there was more but that's it for now. Cleo and Martyn could get their own paragraph but I talked about them in the last post where it kind of turned into me questioning how applicable it is to them so lmao

[wolf-beils]

The Man He Became: An In Depth Character Analysis of Hector's Adult Iterations

Introduction

Hector’s adult iterations are a pretty overlooked facet of him. When people see him as an adult, he’s typically brushed off as “just Lilina’s father” and/ or a raging shotgun dad. Boiling down a character to one thing or a gag doesn’t necessarily mean people don’t know what more there is to one. It does somewhat make that “something more” a little more obscured though. The noise of a simplistic fanbase portrayal, no matter how out of character, will often drown out a character's true self.

That’s why I want to provide this in depth analysis and theorisation on Hector as his adult self, and why it’s actually a really great part of him as a character. He has more to him than what the community and IS push him as which goes very unsung. So I guess this is my shot at trying to spread the good word if you will. I do hope people can take away at least something from this.

And yes, I said “theorisation” because he doesn’t have much content as an adult to go off compared to his younger self. He is ultimately just a backdrop character as this version of himself. So you really have to look deep into Hector and contextualise a lot to get substance. That isn’t to say he's got nothing going for him though. I do firmly believe what I’m going to provide is logical.

I'm just getting that out of the way in case you end up like disagreeing with anything. This is fuelled by my own personal take on this character in the end. So like— please respect that.

A Recap On Part Of Hector’s FE7 Development

Firstly, I want to bring up some things regarding Hector's youth. His exact age during events is not entirely clear. However, what we do know for absolute sure is that he’s 17 for probably some time in FE7 and 37 during FE6 per an artbook. Also he’s around 32 in FE7’s extended epilogue because the event is described to have taken part 15 years after FE7 events.

Now he could be 18 going into Eliwood/ Hector Mode and 17 regards his age during his brief cameo in Lyn Mode. Another possibility is that he’s 16 in Lyn Mode and is 17 for Eliwood/ Hector Mode. In the case of what I’m going to say, it could be either really.

Anyhow, the reason I bring up Hector’s younger iteration first is because I want to make something clear about his character and development. Regardless of the specifics of his age, neither possibility changes that he’s only young. This is a point FE7 strives to drive home, often describing Hector and the other two lords as “young”. It helps us realise that while they are good, strong people, they’re still only young and have yet to fully grow and mature. Keeping this youth in mind is pretty important for understanding them. 

None of them are fully matured even if it seems like such, especially Hector. Growing out of that lack of maturity is a point Hector makes about himself at the end of his mode. This quote from the epilogue of Hector Mode pretty much says it all:

Before this, before FE7 even, he was more or less a free spirit. He did as he pleased, whether it was befitting of his status or not (mostly not). As implied in his Eliwood and Oswin supports, he was kind of rebellious about it. It's a trait he mostly retains during FE7, though to a less rebellious extent given the situation he's in.

Point is— what I want you to bear in mind about Hector as a youth, before I analyse his adult self, is that he is not a grown man here. He is not grown up, nor developed, nor matured. He's never had the chance to really grow up. This is more than likely due to his trauma and the mess he ends up in for the duration of FE7 then doesn't quite allow that chance either.

With that refresher on his younger self, we can start actually going into Hector as an adult.

Purpose

The absolute main thing I see adult Hector as is a statement that he becomes that better version of himself he vowed to become. It’s honestly quite the inspiring thing to see— someone wanting to change, making that change happen, and making it last. That is, above all else, the biggest yet most criminally unsung thing about him as an adult in my eyes. It's among the most unsung things about Hector as a whole really.

While he is almost only given spotlight if Lilina is involved, be it from IS or the fanbase, I don’t think fatherhood is truly the biggest thing about him as a character. As a person, a human being in the world of Elibe? Yes, he’s a father first given how much he does care about Lilina. Any parent should be a parent first and Hector is no exception to that.

But his adult self just adds such a good extra layer to Hector as a standalone character. It’s like if you ordered 20 chicken nuggets from McDonald’s and got a couple extra. Hector as his younger self is already a nice box of 20 McNuggets. His adult self is those couple of generous extra nuggets that you didn’t need, but god damn are they appreciated anyway. And I personally value that much more than him being a decent dad. That extra layer is yet another part of why I love this character so much.

Through the little screentime his adult self has and the nods to him in FE6, it can be deduced that he’s a much better man. Foremost, he's clearly more mature— the very thing he wanted to improve on when he became Marquess Ostia. It can be said that he’s more respected, which is quite contrary to how he was viewed by others in his youth.

And as much as I don’t like considering FEH writing (especially given how dirty FEH has done Hector's younger self in the past), his Halloween alt also shows his adult self off really well through what dialogue he has. I do have a personal rule of not considering FEH’s writing for a character that isn’t from the game itself but I do make exceptions when the writing is genuinely good. In this case, they did good for him so I’m considering it.

Flaws, Insecurity, & Fear

Just because he’s a better version of himself, it doesn’t mean that he’s suddenly flawless. He’s probably far from it in fact. We all are. So I want to start the nitty gritty off with his less bright aspect that he’s retained, as well as some new stuff he deals with.

First, I want to present this line of dialogue from FEH:

He is likely still quite protective to some degree. Although he’s a better man who’s managed to iron himself out, he’s still a traumatised man. Unfortunately, trauma is something that will stick for life whether we like it or not. All we can do is not let it dictate our thoughts and actions too much. In the past, Hector let this happen and it cost him his very fate when he didn't have to do what he did.

Before I go on, I want to bring up a very similar character for a minute: Gustav from FEH. He too is a deeply traumatised man. His stone cold attitude is fueled by traumatic experiences in his own youth— losing his father to Hel, the man dying right in front of his eyes. That was punishment for Gustav's once excessive willingness to dive into action. That’s why he’s so critical of Alfonse being similar. He may not admit it, but he’s still very deeply hurt by the loss of his father and the attitude he shows towards Alfonse is an expression of that pain. He desperately doesn’t want either of his children to go through that same pain.

At the point we see Gustav in FEH, he’s either a similar age to Hector or slightly older. So that said, Hector is still likely a protective person. He always has been, and always will be. That fear of losing those he cares about most will always be present with how he’s lost so much in his youth. His parents, Leila, Uther— those three losses will stick with him for life whether he likes it or not. On top of that, he witnessed Elbert dying and Athos died in his arms so that’s probably caused some extra damage.

Something to be said about his relationship with Lilina is that she's the only close family he has left (though that could be somewhat debatable since we have next to no clue about his relationship with Orun). As just stated, he's lost more family young than anyone should. Those losses have made him wary, and desperately not wanting to lose anyone else. This little girl of his is all he has left. In his eyes, he must protect her from everything. At anything that could possibly lead to him losing her, he feels great fear.

This facet of his trauma is actually something subtly established in his B support with Eliwood in FE7. While he's young here, it's safe to say that the fear he shows in that conversation applies to his adulthood for the most part. It's also shown in one of Bride Lilina's text quotes in FEH:

But that isn’t to say Hector is some overbearing shotgun dad with a violent, lightning quick temper— far from it. He’s evidently pretty lax, shown by how he doesn’t seem to force Lilina to do anything. That even includes her study of statecraft to be his successor. Lilina does that willingly and Hector does nothing but support that in a genuine fashion rather than just a “because Ostia needs an heir” type manner per the Halloween duo unit conversation. That should be enough indicator that Hector will support whatever his girl does, so long as it’s safe.

This extends to marriage, and moving away. Sure, Hector may well have doubts and fears. But as long as Lilina chooses the right person, he’ll be fine. For example, if she married Roy and had to move away to Pherae for whatever reason (not that it'd happen due to the circumstances of their ending), he’d probably be more than glad to let that happen. Without a doubt, he’d trust in Roy’s goodness seeing as he is Eliwood’s son and all. There’s zero reason he wouldn’t trust him.

Hector can’t really be the untrusting person he once was given his position and certainly wouldn't cast aside rationality when a boy he likely knows is nothing but good is involved. This line of thinking applies for pretty much any character Lilina could reasonably marry in the future. (Not that she has any other marriage options but that’s why shipping exists. This message was brought to you by the Lilina/ Ogier gang.)

Would marriage and Lilina moving away still make him uncomfortable? Probably, yes. But he’d ultimately be fine. Every parent must let go of their child some day, and Hector would be capable of doing that— even if he’d feel disconcerted at first. But he’s likely grown past standing by irrational conclusions and refusing to think any different. He wouldn't have got as far as he has as a leader if he wasn't at least a bit open-minded. That need for trust and open-mindedness would surely aid in his deep down struggle with trauma.

Additionally, I’d like to show an excerpt that more or less proves he trusts Lilina to fend for herself. Here’s a bit from volume 4 of a storybook series related to Cipher (rest in peace):

Before continuing, I just want to link the post that contains the full passage. It’s a detailed PoV from Hector when he’s bleeding out in Araphen. Full credit and big thanks goes to starfirexuchiha for providing the translation, as well as ZoraTwilight for scanning the volume for this to be a thing. I highly recommend you check it out because it’s genuinely one of the coolest pieces of official written Hector content out there and the rest of the stuff is awesome too.

Fire Emblem Cipher Album Book Volume 4 Translation

Back to business though.

Yes, this is obviously how Hector is thinking when he’s about to die. But I think this pretty much shows he trusts Lilina wholly, and knows deep down that he doesn’t have to worry so much over her. Of course, he can’t not worry since he’s a natural worrier. It’s the thought that counts though. Deep down, he knows and appreciates just how great his little girl is.

One last thing I want to talk about regarding this topic is the Armads curse. A curse he contracted through taking up the legendary axe in his mode. Something which is lowkey a writing mess that conflicts with how FE6 handles the axe but that’s not what we’re discussing. I want to discuss how it may have affected him long term, and how he feels about it into adulthood.

First off, I think the curse affected him quite a lot emotionally, and he regrets his decision to take up Armads. He didn’t need to pick up the axe because things would’ve been totally fine without it anyway. The decision was one made out of fear of losing anyone else, and a deep insecurity about his own strength. It probably wouldn’t be long after FE7’s events that he starts to regret it. Perhaps during the year period between the final chapter and the epilogue.

Into adulthood, I feel he’d still regret it. He can’t not when such a curse will lead him to die a horrible death, the chance of leaving his loved ones too soon painfully real. No less is there many possibilities for what could happen. Would he die alone? Would he die in front of others? Worse, would he die in front of a loved one? The outcomes are many, and incredibly unsettling no matter what.

And whenever he lets someone new into his life, there’s always that feeling of knowing that’s someone else that’ll be crushed when he does die. Another heart that will break when he passes. He’d be well aware of this fact— most definitely when Lilina comes into the picture.

However, I do think that as he grows older, and as Lilina becomes a part of his life, he tries to be optimistic. He tries to stay hopeful, so as to not feel down about it all, nor get others down. It’s why he fills Lilina’s head with promises that he won’t leave her in the FEH Halloween alt conversation. He has hope that he’ll live to become a grandfather, and proudly watch Lilina take the throne (given what ends up happening— yeah, it’s a bit of a bittersweet moment).

All in all, his deep-rooted insecurities won’t change. Everything he’s been through will stick with him for life. He can very much still get hurt. But his way of managing it all has potentially changed for the better.

Worries & Stress

While Hector is a better version of himself, his life still isn’t without stress— especially come FE6 time. From personal struggles such as the Armads curse I already mentioned, to simply the stress of being one of Lycia’s highest powers.

A big one is that there’s a particular someone he could potentially be on the brink of losing around FE6 time. That ‘someone’ being Eliwood, who is of course deathly ill by this point. It goes without saying that he’s definitely hurting about that to a degree.

In fact, this is actually alluded to in the storybook volume I brought up earlier:

I think that excerpt more or less shows Hector’s fear of losing him. It’s a no-brainer really, with Eliwood being his first and one of the only friends for his entire childhood as well as his teenage years. It shouldn’t be too hard to imagine just how scared he is to lose him— especially given he’s lost three other close people to illness, all before he even became an adult.

With that in mind, there’s no doubt it plays on his brain to some extent. We know from FE7 that while he is capable of putting up a tough face, he is rather sensitive on the inside. I don’t doubt that sensitivity has changed much. Even if he wasn’t rather sensitive, it’s his best friend. Eliwood is someone he respects above pretty much anyone, and as shown in FE7, he’s willing to do a hell of a lot for him. It’s going to upset him knowing Eliwood is suffering, and possibly on his last legs.

On top of that, it’s implied in FE7’s extended epilogue that Bern starts becoming suspicious as early as that time:

Given Athos’ prediction, it’s within reason for both to think something might happen from this. And it’s probable things slowly escalated throughout the 4-5 years leading up to FE6 events. As the military leader of Lycia, and Ostia’s highest power, Hector’s surely going to be a bit stressed.

And that'd certainly be the case when he eventually has to go out to Araphen. He’ll meet it all with his head held high, but he can’t not be a little stressed when there’s the real possibility he may not come back. It’s known he did tell Lilina about Durandal’s location before leaving too. So he went into that battle knowing full well it could be his last— which as well known, it was his last.

He did ultimately vow that he would do anything to stop anything from going out of hand. Even if it meant sacrificing his life. Which… let me go on about that idea for a minute.

I think that bit of dialogue is such a neat little nod to how aware he may well be of the Armads curse. It shows that he knows well that if anyone is going to sacrifice their life for the greater good, he’s the best for it. He’s going to die in battle anyway and he knows that. The words Durban spoke to him stick to him like a tumour, a reminder that his end won’t be peaceful.

The Real Hector Is Out

Now, I’ll really get into how he’s bettered himself. Why else is it that he’s a much better man than he was when he was younger? I’ve already made it somewhat clear that Hector has attained the inherent maturity and sensibility that can come with adulthood. So what else is there?

The biggest thing is that he’s learnt that he shouldn’t hide parts of himself. When younger, this was one of his biggest struggles. He always felt the need to be someone that he wasn’t exactly— a run of the mill tough guy. You learn through his supports and a story scene or two that he’s actually a wonderfully kind and even somewhat gentle soul who just wants the best for people. That is the real Hector beneath the tough front he puts up the vast majority of the time.

When he grows up, this is something he has potentially improved on. One such implication of this is the Halloween alt’s friend greeting:

This single line of dialogue honestly tells quite a bit for no reason. He’s showing that kindhearted man he is out in the open. No longer is he afraid to hide that softer side— which honestly can be said about this alt’s entire existence really. He’s happily dressing up alongside his daughter, genuinely celebrating the festival. He’s happy, relaxed, lovingly keeping Lilina in his clutches (who’s around 10 here by the way so she doesn’t really need to be held).

Additionally, and on the topic of his Halloween alt, he is very well-mannered towards others in the paralogue and the Tempest Trials dialogue. That’s more or less another way to show he’s more openly kind and sociable too. It’s a bit of a step ahead of how his younger self is (not that he’s that much of a little shit as a youth but there’s no denying he’s slightly too forward and slightly less inclined to gentleness).

And there is one particular part of the Tempest Trials dialogue that shows him at his best. A heartfelt exchange he has with L’Arachel:

There’s not many words, but this exchange speaks so much about both characters. It’s to this day my favourite bit of writing to come out of FEH. There’s just so much meaning tucked into this little exchange. It’s truly a heartfelt moment where two characters relate to each other on a deep level for a moment.

L’Arachel sees a little girl and a wonderful father she sees her own in. It calls back to the hurt little girl inside of her. She wouldn’t wish the pain she experienced on anyone. No less that little girl with the man before her. That’s the place her words come from.

And Hector knows that very acutely. He knows the pain she carries with her all too well. So he hops right to it— metaphorically extends his hand out to the girl in front of him. He offers the most comforting words a girl could hear from a father. Perhaps he offers something more than comfort. I’ll be honest, I am of the genuine belief that he maybe even offers fatherhood to L’Arachel.

However it is, there’s no denying just how sweet he was here. And not to mention how readily he comforted L’Arachel, despite her being someone he’s not known for long. Really, before this, we’ve never really seen Hector so quick to support anyone with words— not even Eliwood. Often times, he was very much a doer, and never much of a sayer. Definitely shows he’s shaped up in terms of speaking to people there.

Another example of his willingness to be more openly soft comes from FEH yet again, and from the same alt. This time in an interaction with Ivy in her Forging Bonds chain:

I just want to say that Hector and Ivy’s interactions in FEH are kind of funny when you take into account how they interact in Engage. I’m just really amused by the juxtaposition between how the younger Hector and the older Hector interact with her. In Engage, he just laughs in her face when she brings up her fear of ghosts. In FEH, as his older self, he doesn’t care and pretty quickly offers some support for her.

And funny enough, I think that does showcase the change in Hector between his youth and adulthood pretty well. He’s being way more readily kind, let alone sociable than his younger self would be. No less coming up with a good remedy to Ivy’s trouble socialising. That in and of itself is why I’m really glad they chose to include Hector here, seeing as Lilina was shown to be quite shy in FE7’s extended epilogue. It’s probable enough that he’s got an affinity for cracking shells.

That knack seems to yield results too. Lilina is quite sociable in FE6, becoming quite trusting (even if to a slight fault) and good with conversation. For Ivy, that little party gives her the drive to interact with others more.

To me, those bits are enough indication to show he’s past making his best bits more exclusive. There’s no reason for him to do so and he knows that. He’s got a brilliant heart in his chest and a whole lot of decency. What good is there in hiding that when such goodness can uplift many? There is something in relation to this I’ll bring up later too.

What Got Him There?

Of course, Hector couldn’t have become this man overnight. Self development isn’t easy at all. 

A logical theory for this is that he begins to learn this being with whoever he marries. But the change really comes when Lilina is in the picture. What better thing to change a needlessly rigid, stoic man than an adorable bundle of joy to call his child? Typically, such a thing can soften someone up quite a bit. In the case of Hector, given some tidbits here and there (including interactions with the child in question), I think this would be the case.

Have a listen to the Halloween alt’s conversation with Lilina, and then picture something. Picture Hector who’s been a father for like six months, holding a little baby Lilina. He looks her in the eyes, about as beaming as he can be, making small funny noises to entertain her. When you hear the tone that Patrick Seitz uses, it’s not too hard to envision that, is it? (Awesome work as always by Patrick by the way. I really love his take on Hector despite the criticism it sometimes gets.)

I think Lilina is the thing that really changed him for the better for good. That little girl is the key that indefinitely unlocks what his consciousness locks away more than it should be because of how much he conditioned himself to be what he thought was strong. Of course, because he’d be spending plenty of time with his bundle of joy, that side of him will be quite active. And with regularity comes establishment.

This doesn’t mean he’s become some soft, jovial dad though. Soft and jovial he can be around Lilina, that’s for sure. But in the grand scheme of things, she enables his best side more. A side of him that not just those close to him deserve to have the pleasure of seeing. An openly kind, golden-hearted man that the world around him deserves.

Aside from Lilina, he definitely shaped himself up for the sake of his leadership roles as is because well… he kind of had to. There’s no way he was getting around as a leader if he didn’t work on his manners or his trust issues. So it’s safe to say he must’ve done a lot of soul searching before the first epilogue.

His CYL alt in FEH does entertain the idea of him picking up reading. He probably used that as a method to improve his patience, and actually study (something he didn’t do too much of in his youth). Aside from that, there’s plenty of ways he could’ve started to shape himself up mentally. There’s many ways one can go about healing and self improvement.

He’s Still Hector

I sometimes joke that his adult self is like a different character but really, he’s not entirely. Despite all the change he’s been through, he’s still the same person who those around him know and love. As has been established throughout this analysis, he has changed. In some aspects, he is a different person in that he doesn’t seem to hide who he really is any longer and he’s overall matured. Still, he’s not a completely far cry from who he was in his youth.

Of course, as I said in that last section, he’s still boundlessly good-hearted, loyal, and well meaning. Out of everything, that hasn’t changed a single bit outside of how much better he expresses that. It’s a core fundamental of who he is in the end. Without that wonderful side of him, he just wouldn’t be Hector. It’s a part of what draws those he loves to him, and can more or less be what draws players/ readers to him.

And another thing I’ve already said he’s retained is his protectiveness. That is something he is by nature. He cares for those he loves and will protect them as he sees fit. And like the trait in the previous paragraph, he goes about it better. I probably don’t have to repeat any further on this since I did go on about it earlier in this. So we’ll leave this topic at that.

One small thing I haven't alluded to is how he doesn't completely care for his status. This is pretty much set right in stone in his conversation with Eliwood during FE7's extended epilogue:

It's a very neat tidbit in the conversation. It does show that he cares about his station but also that he isn't consumed by it. He just wants to talk with Eliwood friend to friend, not leader to leader. Just because they're of high stations (Hector in an even higher station than Eliwood ironically), that doesn't mean they can't speak like familiars. Hector doesn't believe in there being this set way nobles have to act. He never has believed in it, despite how much noble conduct is likely pushed, and no matter the judgement that was thrown his way in youth. 

That last bit actually kind of segways into this next big thing that Hector has retained. It's a trait that he's admired for— that being his preference for doing things his way, and penchant for making it work. This is something that Oswin spells out very nicely in two separate supports:

Hector isn’t someone bound by convention. He’s about getting things done and doing whatever he can for that to be so, no matter how improper it may be. Like I said, he doesn’t care so much for his status and won’t bend his behaviour to adhere to what’s considered ‘proper’. That especially goes for when he’s doing something for anyone he cares about. When that’s the case, he definitely does whatever it takes, everything regarding convention and conduct thrown out of the window.

Again, Oswin pretty much puts it all perfectly. He strives to stay true to himself, and he does that better than anyone. Where one doesn’t see a way forward, he makes one himself. It all very much attests to him having a will made of iron. But more than that, he’s just being himself.

So how does this trait fare into adulthood? Well, it’s certainly there and he’s still just about as unconventional. Despite his leading positions needing him to be at least a bit poised and proper, he still does what he wants and it works out. Where this shows is Lilina and Astolfo’s support conversation in FE6:

Yeah, he kind of guilt tripped a thief into working for him.

Honestly though, prepare for something of a tangent because this whole support speaks volumes about Hector and I love it so much. So this won’t entirely pertain to the topic of this section.

More than anything, this support portrays Hector exhibiting those traits I’ve just gone over. Your typical leader/ noble would sooner apprehend a common thief stealing castle riches. But Hector isn’t quite typical. He’s not like the other nobles at all. No one else but Hector would recruit a seemingly random thief who once looked for the castle riches. To an average noble, that sounds utterly ridiculous.

But why did he do it in the first place? Like— yeah, Hector is kind of bizarre but he knows what he’s doing and has a whole lot of sense to boot. There’s always a reason for what he does. There's a method to what a lot of cut and dry nobles would consider madness.

His castle is nowhere near easy to get into. From what we know of Ostia, let alone the support, no common thief makes it as far as the treasury. Here comes Astolfo, a common thief who bypassed the guards and made it as far as the treasure room. Thus what Hector sees is not a common thief, but a man of great potential to be something more than that.

He’s rather pragmatic— albeit a bit of a wacky kind of pragmatic, but pragmatic nonetheless. Definitely the wacky kind given he just laughs in Astolfo’s face at first. Then he compliments the man, and offers him a job. If that doesn’t show how one of a kind he is, I don’t know what does.

Even so, there’s a reason he’s so flippant. Remember, this is the same guy who doesn’t care so much for his noble status. That’s all shown in his attitude and the way he tells Astolfo that he can keep what he’s stolen. He doesn’t talk to Astolfo noble to commoner. He talks to him man to man.

The reason I go over this support so thoroughly is because honestly, it alone lays out just who Hector is as an adult. It showcases both how much he’s changed and hasn’t changed. For the former, it goes back to him getting over his trust issues. He’s clearly much better at seeing good in others and not going straight into his prickly shell. In terms of the latter, he still couldn’t give a rat’s ass about his station and is all for being a little unconventional. He very much lives up to what Oswin says about him in his Matthew support.

The Astolfo and Lilina support chain may not seem like much at surface level. But think about all this stuff I’ve gone over. Think about how the Hector you see in FE7 would approach the situation. Think about the minute details pointed out throughout this analysis. When you consider all that, this support is the hard proof that he achieved the goal he set out to do. And he still stayed true to himself in the end.

Meaning

Well, I’ve pretty much covered every base that matters. So we reach the tail end of this analysis.

I will admit firsthand that Hector’s adult self definitely isn’t the most deep thing out there on surface level. Hell, a chunk of this whole thing has been theoreticals (which I did say that’d be the case at the start). Theoreticals based on the heaps of characterisation he has, but still theoreticals. What I will say though is that through him not having much in plain sight, there lies room for all this speculation and the chance to suss things out yourself.

There’s a reason he doesn’t end up completely better off by the conclusion of FE7. He’s been hurt since before the game’s events. He was always a hurt boy in a world that never entirely accepted him. It only got a bit worse throughout FE7, with him going through the horrors of real battle and going through some painful losses— especially Uther. So after it all, of course he’s not going to be better in a flash.

That’s why I really love the detail that he doesn’t seem that way until he’s portrayed as a grown man. It makes his proclamation towards Mark in his mode’s epilogue that much more meaningful. He does get better, and evidently fits himself into his new life eventually. Even in spite of him being unsure about leading that life, he’s determined to live it and does it all because that’s what he’s all about. He’s all about achieving anything he puts his mind to.

He becomes kinder, wiser, more respectable, and evidently a damn great father. Sure, he’s a great person in his youth, but he had some glaring problems. Growing up, he remedied those problems as best he could while still remaining himself. He’s not without vices, as that is with anyone, though he’s done a good job at toning it all down. 

And of course, it would take until he’s a grown man for that change to be in full force. He’s mentally scarred in more than one aspect. Such things can take a long time to heal. Change can take equally long to truly come into fruition. It’s yet another layer of realism to an already very human, realistic character.

So what do Hector’s adult iterations mean for him?

Well, they serve as a conclusion to his tale. Hector’s tale, his true tale, is one of overcoming trauma and realising his best self. It’s a tale of inner struggle, loss, and a testament to what true strength is. It’s a tale of a boy becoming a man.

Closing Words

That about wraps everything up. If you did read this entire thing— first of all thank you from the bottom of my heart. Second, I sincerely hope you enjoyed and took interest in my perspective.

I’ve worked on this analysis on and off for almost two years, pouring in all the love and passion for this character. I’d be lying if I said that time hasn’t been pretty transitional for me. I’ve changed a bit as a person on my own road towards self improvement. This character, and especially this facet of him, is a massive comfort and inspiration for me. Writing this whole thing has definitely reaffirmed that to a degree.

But yeah, I’m not going to hang around too long. Seriously, I appreciate it colossally if you managed to read all of this. If you have any questions and such, then you’re welcome to ask. I will say, I am more active on Twitter (@/WolfBeils on there), so you may have a better shot at reaching me there.

Otherwise, yeah, that’s all I got.

[jackriverart]

Heartstopper s2e7 spoilers!

Also TW parental abuse

This is a bit of a trauma dump so feel free to scroll if you need to.

I just watched episode 7 of Heartstopper season 2, and I need to vent about it.

The fight that Darcy had with her mom reminds me so much of how I left home, and it's really getting to me.

When I was 18, I had a stupid fight about nothing with my mom (I can't even remember what it was supposed to be about tbh), which got physical. I don't remember exactly how it happened but she ended up ripping off and breaking the necklace that my then bf had given to me, that's how bad it was.

She then screamed at me to "either follow her rules or get out" and left for work.

I then got some of my things and left.

First I went to my then bf, who introduced me to a really nice family he knew, who took me in.

(They were a family of witches actually and I had a really good time there but that's a whole other story)

Anyways, back to the point. Seeing something very similar happen to someone else brought it all back to me, as if it was buried beneath a whole lot of other shit I've been through, and I don't think I ever actually fully processed it. And seeing it from an outside perspective makes me realise just how messed up it is for a parent to behave that way.

And I'm turning 30 in like, a week. This shit happened OVER A DECADE AGO and it is still there, in the back of my mind. Shit like this can PERMANENTLY damage a child's brain, and I don't understand how any parent could be okay with doing that to their own child. Especially now that I'm a parent myself.

If anyone reading this is in a similar situation, I'm so, so sorry. Your parent should not be hurting you, neither emotionally nor physically. You deserve so much more than that, and there will be a time when you can live more freely. It won't be easy and it will probably never fully go away, but you will be able to breathe. In the meantime, I'm sending all of the digital parental hugs to whoever needs them 🫂

[rotten-games]

To prove someone wrong for Perci?

Perci, my beloved...

When Perci storms in like a bat out of hell and beelines toward her whiskey cabinet you know better than to get in her way. The darkness creasing across her brow and snarling in her face all you need to know it's about Adrastea. It always is these days, having to work with the diva she once dated like a stab in the guts; a slow, painful death.

"Perci," You say from across the room, the datapad landing with a clatter on your glass-topped desk (the horrible thing it is). She doesn't respond, her usually well-kept hair a mess and fraying at the ends. "Perci," Again, you try, and as you stand she turns with violent flames in her eyes. She's staring in your direction, but she isn't really looking at you. Taking a tentative step towards the woman, her muscles clenching and relaxing with each breath, your fingers snap in an attempt to garner her attention. "Percival."

"What?" Perci's eyes twitch, her teeth clenching around the overgrown fangs in her mouth. She's your average Ledalan citizen; she can't completely transform and break her body into something else completely like the military. No, instead she's a half-thing, only halfway there to being not-human. Probably for the best, considering her prosthetic.

"What is it this time?" There's never a day that goes by where your paramour isn't swelling with incandescent rage at her superfluous employer. There isn't a day goes by where it isn't at least a little bit warranted. "What did Adra do?"

"Ugh, don't give them a little nickname. Makes it sound like she's human." At least somewhat calmed, or close enough anyway, your hands land on Perci's shoulders. Her muscle and tech both are hard, but one has the warmth of flesh while the other is warmed only by thermal heating units just under the transparent plasti-flesh of her metal arm. Perci sighs, tips forward to let her head drop gracelessly onto your own shoulder. Her fingers twitch but don't reach out.

There's an eternity of silence before she finally takes enough deep breaths to properly speak. "Adrastea only wants me there as a plaything." Perci says, "Dangles little errands in front of my face and insults me when I get them done. I hate her."

"Not fully." You remind her.

"And I hate that too." Perci mutters, "What I want to do is wipe that smirk off their face, prove to them I'm not whatever they think I am."

"You don't have to, you know you don't have to." You reply, then, "... You do realise Saga would chew Adrastea out if they heard how she treats you."

"When has that ever worked?" And this time, Perci straightens up, her black eyes flicking over you with distracted interest. Never, you suppose. Adrastea has their ambitions and their faults, neither of which they're particularly interested in changing. "What I have to do is get Adrastea to see me as more than just a pet. Or stop caring, I suppose."

"When has that ever worked?" You parrot.

Perci laughs, something rough and tinted with hurt, "Never."

[yaimlight]

Part Two

Part of the Twos Company, Threes A Crowd series

Rating: T (mentions of underage drinking ~ non descriptive sex references)

Pairings: Bakugou Katsuki x fem!reader / Todoroki Shoto x fem!reader / Bakugou Katsuki x Todoroki Shoto / Bakugou Katsuki x fem!reader x Todoroki Shoto

Summary: Actions have consequences and considering everything you’ve done neither Katsuki or Shoto should have been surprised that you end up in irons and getting shipped back off to Europe to carry out your sentence. With no way of contacting you or even knowing you are ok they have no choice but to get on with their lives. They get their licenses, becoming fully fledged heroes and working their ways up the ranks. They go out, spend time with their friends, Katsuki even falls into bed with another sidekick. Life’s good, well as good as it can be and before they know it a years passed them by since your incarceration. It seems fitting then that when their lives seem to be on the up that their thrown yet another curve ball.

<- part one

part three ->

Things move quickly after that.

Shoto and Katsuki were whisked off to be examined by medics, the whole place swarming with police and heroes as they tried to make sense of what had happened. Shoto and Katsuki can barely look at one another, knuckles bleeding and bodies aching from the beating they had both taken. There’s a lot they need to say to one another but neither of them can manage it. They just sit there in silence, Shoto still stuck on the roof and watching himself almost kill not only his hero partner but also one of his closest friends whilst Katsuki’s stared at his bloody hand, still able to feel Shoto’s jaw cracking under the repeated blows Katsuki had dealt to his face. They’re a mess and more than one official voices their concerns about the two heroes' mental states. Neither of them bothered to argue the assessment.

When they finally lead you out of the crumbling building and through the mass of destruction and people, everyone turns to watch you, all sound seeming to disappear from the world. Blood splattered and covered in dirt and ash you stared unseeingly at the floor, eyes red rimmed and empty. The quirk cancelling cuffs look too big on your wrists, your body dwarfed by the two police officers that lead you out of the building. You looked so small and broken, empty and lost and nothing like the girl they had known. It’s almost like you're still under your fathers quirk, doing what’s commanded of you like some sort of brainless zombie but they know that’s not true, considering how quickly they had snapped out of it when you had run the bastard through.

It isn’t until they’re easing you into a cop car that Katsuki and Shoto finally seem to realise what’s happening and they're both up and out of the medical tent before anyone can stop them. There’s a lot of yelling, even from Shoto, both of them demanding to know what’s going on and trying to force their way around the cops that are stopping them from getting anywhere near the car you're in. Endeavor’s the one to put a stop to their frantic and unprofessional behaviour, grabbing Shoto’s arm and yanking him out the way. In turn Shoto grabs hold of Katsuki’s hand, pulling him along with him and further away from the gawking crowd. The number one hero is angry but that’s not anything new, his gruff voice demanding that they start acting like heroes instead of idiotic kids. Katsuki’s about ready to hit him at that point but the older man barrelled on, taking over both their protests like he didn’t even hear them.

You’re a murderer, a criminal with a record longer then the Tokyo Skytree is tall that paints a picture of a bloody and troubled past that you would never be able to escape and that was before all this shit had gone down. When they tried to protest, tried to point out that you had been under the Puppet Masters control practically your entire life, that was when Endeavor had finally snapped and started yelling. It didn’t matter apparently, didn’t mean shit that you had grown up not know what you were doing was wrong or that you had eventually turned informant and had been the sole reason they had finally managed to arrest the fucker. You were still a villain and as such you would go through the system like any other criminal would.

By the time he’s finished yelling at them the cop car is long gone along with any chance they had of saving you from the fate that awaited you.

After a lot of cursing and explosions, a lot of angry words and stray shards of ice they finally agree to get patched up. Wounds that can be healed by a quirk are taken care of there and then and a few others stitched up and bandaged up. In the end they get sent home with a half-hearted reprimand about their actions but it’s full of pity and sadness that just makes them feel worse. They don’t talk on their way back, not even when they get back to the apartment. Everything’s too quiet, too empty and they feel your absence more keenly than they had in months. They both take turns showering, washing off the grime and blood and if they both break down and cry under the hot spray then that was no one’s business but their own. Afterwards they rewrap each other’s wounds, still not uttering a word about how they had gotten them, not say anything actually, still stuck in the same silence they had been since leaving that wretched building.

Neither of them wanted to be alone that night though and after Shoto had finished wrapping Katsuki’s shoulder the blonde had collapsed back onto his bed without a word. Shoto knows he should go, knows that he has no place there in Katsuki’s space but the thought of being alone with his feelings, with the memories of the last few hours leaves his stomach churning and hands shaking. Katsuki doesn’t say anything when Shoto lays down next to him, both of them staring up at the ceiling like it’s something interesting. Neither of them know how long they lay there, silent and unmoving but at some point one of them moves, their fingers lacing together. They take comfort in the small touch, their raging thoughts calming enough that exhaustion takes over and they both slip into sleep, still holding the other's hand like they need that contact to keep them grounded and maybe they do. Shoto definitely does because he feels like he’s going to fall apart without anything to keep him whole.

The week after is a mess that leaves them both angry and frustrated. No one will tell them anything and they are refused entry when they try to get into the prison holding you, some bullshit about isolation and international policing. They are both suspended from work, Shinso to though he doesn’t get anywhere near as long a suspension as Katsuki and Shoto do. That pisses Katsuki off, the blonde grumbling about how unfair that was but Shoto can understand their bosses decisions. After all Shoto and Katsuki had gone after you when the perpetually tired man had stayed behind to help with the injured heroes.

It’s all over the news, though thankfully they keep your name and identity out of it but not the fact that one of the world's biggest crime bosses had been killed in a covert operation that had left one dead and ten injured. It gets so bad that they can’t have the news on, the story seeming to be on a loop that just won’t stop. Katsuki even almost blows up a news stand when they are on their way back from visiting Aizawa in the hospital, the story plastered over the front of every newspaper and even some of the magazines.

Eventually though your trial date comes around and somehow they manage to get into the courtroom though Katsuki is convinced it’s all down to All Might. After all, he had been part of the reason you had ended up in Japan in the first place and even though he’s retired he still seems to have some sort of power with the higher ups. There aren't many people there when they get to the courtroom. No press or members of the public to watch the spectacle it’s sure to be. Just the lawyers and judge as well as the jury and the few staff needed. No one questions Shoto and Katsuki’s presence at the back of the room, or the fact All Might is with them but then their focus isn’t on them.

When they finally lead you out it looks like you haven't slept since your arrest, with dark rings under your eyes and your hair a mess like they had just pulled you out of bed. The brown prison uniform you had on was too big for you, hanging off your frame and making you look smaller and weaker than you actually were. Katsuki’s hands curl into fists on his leg, nails digging into his palms as he forces his anger down in an attempt to not make a scene and make things worse for all of you. Shoto doesn’t think about it, just takes Katsuki’s hand in his and laces their fingers together in his lap. His nails still dig into Shoto's hand but he relaxes slightly, attention firmly fixed on you as they wait for the trial to start.

It’s brutal, bringing up everything they knew you had done as well as some things that were just circumstantial. Every crime. Every murder. Every time you so much as looked at someone funny. You don’t deny any off it, you don’t look at them either as you admit to every count of theft, arson, drug dealing and bodily harm, as well as the five counts of murder they knew you had committed. You flinch when they mention detective Evans, the first bit of emotion they had seen you make since you were all up on that roof. It’s gone quickly though, your voice quiet as you admit to having choked the man to death.

They learn things about you that day that you had never wanted them to, a picture forming in their minds about the horrors you had to live through and would stay with you for the rest of your life. You take the blame for everything they accuse you of as well as some things that they hadn’t even known about. It's clear for all to see you had given up, resigned to your fate and believing your undeserving of any kind of leniency. Shoto wants to cry and from the way Katsuki’s squeezing at his hand it’s clear the blonde wants to start yelling at you. It’s horrible seeing you like this because all they want you to do is fight, to defend yourself but that seems like an impossible thing to ask for, especially when you state in your statement that you deserve the highest form of punishment that could be given, begging for it almost.

When the jury goes to deliberate, Shoto and Katsuki are forced to wait outside of the court building, Katsuki attempting to pace a hole in the ground as they impatiently wait for the verdict. They never get to hear it, not first hand anyway and Shoto’s sure that was because of you, not wanting either of them to be there when the inevitable happens. They only know that something’s gone on when they see the prosecution leaving the building, talking amongst themselves and all of them looking uneasy. Shoto is the one who moves first, grabbing Katsuki’s hand and pulling him along behind him as they race back into the building. They’re too late, only just catching a glimpse of you as your lead away in chains that clank as you walk. You look at them then, finally lifting your head and making eye contact. The regret and pain they see reflecting back at them is enough to stop Shoto in his tracks but not Katsuki. He continues forward, yelling your name and trying to get past the guards that block his way and threatening to throw him in a cell if he doesn't settle down. It’s only All Might’s hand on his shoulder that stops Katsuki from trying to punch one of them.

All Might’s the one to tell them that you had been found guilty on all accounts, cutting off Katsuki’s enraged cry to explain that there had been some leniency due to the fact you had been under mind control for a large portion of your life. Shoto’s ready to hear you had been sentenced to Tartarus, forever under lock and key and caged like an animal but still near buy, the possibility that the two of them would be able to see you suddenly is a lot less unlikely. He’s not ready to hear that you were to be sent back to Russia that night, destined to carry out the rest of your original sentence and bound to solitary confinement for the duration of it.

There's no chance to say goodbye, no opportunity for Shoto and Katsuki to ask for your forgiveness. You're gone in the blink of an eye and there’s nothing they could do to stop it.

All Might is sympathetic, making sure they get back to the apartment and assuring them that he is there if they ever need to talk. Katsuki just grunts at him, disappearing into the apartment and leaving Shoto to thank the ex-hero for doing what he could for them before closing the door and shuffling his way into the too quiet place they called home. He makes it into the living room in time to see Katsuki disappearing into his room and shutting the door behind him, shutting Shoto out and denying him the comfort that he needed in that moment. He goes to his own room, leaving the door open in the hope that Katsuki will come seeking his own comfort in the darkness of night. He doesn’t and Shoto spends the night trying to muffle his tears in an attempt not to disturb the other man.

Things are difficult and uncomfortable between the two of them to start with but when they are reinstated at the agency things start to get back to some semblance of normal. Well, as normal as they can get, all things considered. They return to work, taking on double and sometimes triple shifts if need be, though that only really happens if one of them is having a particularly bad couple of days and needs a distraction. They never talk about the girl who had come and gone so suddenly from their lives. Nor about the events that surrounded your departure. Neither of them are ready to open those fresh wounds and expose their hurt to the other.

It takes about a month before Katsuki starts having squad nights again, filling the still too quiet apartment with the sound of laughter once more. Katsuki never invites Shoto to join them and he never sticks around long enough for the others to attempt to pull him into their silly arguments. Instead he walks aimlessly around the city, often finding himself in a park, sitting and watching the world pass by and imagining he can hear an all too familiar voice on the wind, teasing and playful as it encourages him to open up and let someone in. Preferably Katsuki but Izuku would do if Shoto wasn’t feeling up to that conversation with the blonde and he most definitely wasn’t feeling up to that, at least not any time soon.

Things do eventually get better between him and Katsuki, they spend too much time around the each other to truly avoid it. One night about two months after your arrest they finally bring an end to their uncomfortable silence. Shoto’s curled up on the couch, attempting to get lost in a book when Katsuki sinks down next to him, knocking Shoto’s feet to the floor and passing him a shot glass full of clear liquid. Shoto doesn’t ask where he managed to get the obviously Russian bottle of vodka he’s brandishing from considering they're both still underage and how tight regulations are. He just takes the glass and nocks back its contents, coughing at the sputtering at the burn of the high proof alcohol. He takes comfort in the fact Katsuki doesn’t react any better than he does, the blonde's face scrunching up in disgust as he swallows it down.

They get drunk that night, eventually giving up on the glasses and just passing the bottle back and forth. They talk about school, about how much Shoto had annoyed Katsuki at the being and how Shoto had thought him a stuck up bastard, something Katsuki had found far too funny. They talk about how well they actually get along, how good they are together out in the field. They talk about the future, about becoming fully licensed heroes and climbing the ranks and then one day opening their own agency. They talk for ages about everything and anything but when they're roughly about half way through the bottle they eventually end up talking about things a little more personal, things that the probably never would have said to each other without the help of alcohol.

Katsuki tells Shoto that he always knew Shoto would beat him in a fair fight. It was one of the things that had pissed him off after seeing him fight Deku in their first year sports festival. He hated that Shoto had held part of himself back, feeling like he had deserved the respect of Shoto putting his all into it. He had that respect now at least. Shoto’s eyes had dropped to Katsuki’s neck, his eyes zeroing in on the spot where he had almost taken the other man’s life. Even though no mark had been left behind Shoto could still see the skin giving under the sharpened point of ice, blood welling up to the surface and dribbling down to pool in the hollow of his neck. Shoto had apologised, again and again, begging for the other man’s forgiveness. He doesn’t even realise his hands are shaking until Katsuki takes them in his own, assuring Shoto that he doesn’t blame him for what had happened. No, he lays all the blame at the Puppet Master’s feet and growls out his desire to raise the bastard from the dead and kill him all over again. Shoto seconds the sentiment.

Inevitably they end up talking about you, Shoto wondering where you are and how you were doing. Katsuki points out that you’re in a Russian prison so it was probably shit conditions and fights in the exercise yard. At the pained look Shoto gets he quickly tries to backtrack, pointing out that everything he knows about Russian prisons comes from films that want those places to look as bad as possible. It does nothing to comfort Shoto because he knows the blondes’ probably right. You're in solitary confinement after all and no matter how nice the prison is it doesn’t make up for the fact it had been a couple of months now and the isolation was probably getting to you.

They trade stories as well as the rapidly emptying bottle, Shoto finally telling Katsuki how he had found out that you had been the one to send them chocolates the year before, laughing as Katsuki sulked about the fact Shoto had gotten a kiss first. In return Katsuki tells him about the time he had woken up hard with you curled against his side and Shoto’s hand across his stomach, his fingers dangerously close to Katsuki’s morning wood. He had panicked, falling out of bed in the process and ended up taking you with him, getting your hand on his dick as a reward for his awkward clumsiness. He had been so embarrassed by the sleepy realisation in your eye that he had run from the room, not stopping until he was shut away in his room and the door firmly locked behind him. Shoto hadn’t quite understood why Katsuki had been so embarrassed by what was essentially a normal bodily reaction for a boy his age and had even told the blonde that he had woken up many mornings like that in third year, especially the ones when the three of them had shared a bed. Katsuki had called him a pervert. Shoto hadn’t denied it though he hadn’t quite understand why Katsuki was calling him that.

They carried on talking well into the night, even after the vodka was gone and their words were slurred, slumped against one another on the floor and staring at the ceiling as they half-heartedly argued about who had seen you first. They fell asleep like that and awoke in a tangled mess of limps, Shoto’s face tucked under Katsuki’s chin and what definitely felt like drool on his forehead. After that things were better. There were no more awkward silences, no need to hide away from the other. Life went on and without any form of contact with you the two of them were forced to move on too, unable to stay stuck on the what ifs of the past if they wanted to make progress with their lives.

Shoto went back to having monthly dinners with Momo and Tenya as well as Izuku and Ochako, more than happy to listen to them talk about their jobs and general day to day of their lives. Denki had joked that he was trying to live vicariously through them, something that had gotten him a swift smack to the back of the head from Katsuki when Shoto had actually joined them on one of their squad nights and had proceeded to tell them all about the romantic dinner Izuku had planned for Ochako’s birthday. Shoto had been slightly confused and Katsuki had told him not to worry about it, that Denki was just being an ass but it was difficult to ignore something that had clearly annoyed Katsuki, even if it was on Shoto’s behalf.

It wasn’t lost on Shoto how the majority of his friends had coupled off and apart from the one disastrous attempt where Momo tried to set him up with her cousin no one pushed him to find anyone else and Shoto was grateful for that. There hadn’t been anyone who had grabbed his attention quite like you had and though he could be a little socially inept at times Shoto didn’t want to get someone’s hopes up and end up hurting them when he wasn’t as invested as they were and the idea of a one night stand wasn’t something he found appealing in the slightest. Katsuki apparently doesn’t feel the same. It could have just been that he desperately wanted to move on with his life, to chase away the memory of someone neither of them truly ever got to have and never would.

There had been a party at the agency, Katsuki unable to remember what it was for or why he had had to go but he had been there, though reluctantly. It had been a bad week, Katsuki’s guilt and anger over what had happened to you eating away at him after they had helped take down a father-daughter villain duo. So he had liberated a glass of champagne from a passing waiter, downing the bubbly drink in one and scrunching his face up at the taste. He was underage and he knew he could get in trouble but at that moment he hadn’t cared. So one glass turned into two, then three and then four. By the time he was finishing off his fifth Katsuki’s head was fuzzy and everything that had been eating away at him seemed like a distant memory. It’s probably why he didn’t straight up tell Starlight to get lost when she appeared at his side, all coy smiles and skin sparkling like it was covered in constellations.

He doesn’t stop to think about the consequences, or why he gave in so easily, just takes her back to his and Shoto’s apartment like he isn’t about to lose his virginity to some extra he isn’t all that interested in. They had nothing in common apart from the fact they were sidekicks at the same agency and roughly around the same ages. Well Katsuki thought they were, he had never cared enough to ask. Not even when he was sober. He doesn’t remember a lot about that night but he knows he’s slightly awkward when they get back to the apartment. He doesn’t know what he’s doing and he’s drunk enough that he bangs into the couch and almost ends up in Shoto’s room before he remembers that his room is on the right.

It’s all a sort of hazy mess that Katsuki struggles to recall in the morning when he wakes up naked with a splitting headache and an equally naked Starlight in his bed. What he does remember though was it being awkward, Katsuki’s first time a fumbling, drunken mess that he regretted. He escaped his room as fast as his pounding head would allow, grabbing a cup of coffee and sinking down onto their second hand couch next to Shoto and trying to work out how best to get the women out of their apartment without having to explain himself to the other man. Annoyingly she doesn’t give him a chance, striding confidently from the room like she had any right to be there. She had been so smug and happy, even going as far as to thank Katsuki for what had probably been a shit lay before disappearing out the door. He hadn’t known whether to be thankful or not that Shoto had kept his mouth shut, the two of them sat in silence and sipping at their drinks whilst staring unseeingly at the TV.

Shoto never mentions it and Katsuki keeps bringing Starlight back to the apartment, the two of them getting into some form of friends with benefits situation. Except they’re not friends. Katsuki can barely stand her and she had made it perfectly clear she didn’t like Katsuki as a person. It’s convenient, that’s all, Katsuki working out his stress and trying to chase away a ghost from his past. He had never cared enough to find out why she kept coming back. It’s vanilla and impersonal, never any kissing and apart from that first night when they had both been drunk she never stays over. Shoto never said anything when Katsuki strips his sheets off as soon as the apartment door closes, bundling them into the washer at the highest temperature he could without shrinking them. Nor did he say anything when Katsuki disappeared into the shower for half an hour, scrubbing his skin raw and getting rid of any physical reminder of what he had done. It just became a part of their routine, yet another thing that goes unsaid between them.

They get their first big break almost a year into their sidekick gigs, going undercover and taking down a corrupt CEO. They help bringing an end to a large trafficking operation that dealt not only in drugs and weapons but people as well, working with a larger group of other sidekicks and heroes as well as various law agencies. It gets them in the spotlight. Ends up with them both being made fully fledged pros at just nineteen years old and finally gets Katsuki ahead of Deku in the race to be number one. Though the nerd isn’t that far behind, saving a whole office block of people on his own when a villain causes the thing to collapse in rush hour.

Their boss tries to get them to split up once they start getting a lot of recognition, become their own individual heroes instead of a duo but they both refuse. Katsuki’s a lot more vocal about it than Shoto is, the duel quirked man just sitting there with an blank look on his face whilst Katsuki stomps from one end of the office to the other, spitting out insults and profanities along with the reasons as to why they wouldn’t stop working together. They do eventually get their own way though, Nakamura even managing to find a positive spin on it all if the rather aggressive ad campaign he runs was anything to go by. Neither of them bring up the reason why they work so well together or the absence of the person responsible for their rather close friendship and if they go back to their apartment that night and share a glass of vodka in toast to their accomplishments then that’s no one’s business but their own.

Their friends insist on throwing a party to celebrate the fact Katsuki and Shoto are the first in their class to become fully fledged heroes. Shoto said yes right away, eager to have all their friends together in one place for once but Katsuki had straight up refused, not wanting to be dragged off to some random hell hole full of extras. Mina called it a compromise, having it at their apartment. Katsuki called it an invasion of privacy but with Shoto just letting them in when their idiot friends came knocking Katsuki could do nothing but sulk and grumble as the idiots they called friends took over the apartment in an impromptu party. Starlight is not invited much to Shoto’s relief though he doesn’t want to dwell to much on why that is.

They trashed the place, just like Katsuki had said they would and as a form of punishment he makes Shoto clean it all up by himself. It became apparent though that ice for brains couldn’t even do that right and Katsuki soon took over, barking out orders until everything was to his liking. Shoto just rolls his eyes, letting Katsuki boss him around because he knows how particular Katsuki can be and he is hung over enough that he wants to limit the headache that Katsuki’s yelling will undoubtedly lead to.

Shortly after he and Katsuki get their full heroes licences Starlight leaves for another agency on the other side of the country, barely even offering Katsuki a goodbye. Shoto shouldn’t have felt as relieved as he did but he knew that there hadn’t been anything between them apart from physical attraction. Doesn’t stop him from feeling slightly guilty at the fact he was so relieved that he wouldn’t have to the listen to her high pitched and breathy moans when he was trying to read. Shoto didn’t really mind hearing Katsuki though but he tried not to dwell on why that was.

He does enjoy having Katsuki back though, having missed the other man’s quiet companionship whilst he had been so wrapped up in his sexual exploits. Their hero rankings go up, Katsuki even managing to come higher than Deku once more, even if it does only last a month. Shoto does not accomplish the same but he is more than happy with the place he ends up in. They get a few endorsements, some together and some separate but it helps with their popularity and keeps them busy. Katsuki complains about the modelling jobs he gets and Shoto always asks him why, pointing out that the other man is attractive even if his attitude is as prickly as his hair. He only asks Katsuki’s why he’s blushing once, getting an exploding palm in the face for his efforts. Ochako just laughs when he asks her why Katsuki would blush, patting him on the cheek and telling Shoto that he was just too cute. Yet another thing Shoto doesn’t understand.

Before either of them knows it a year has passed since your arrest and finally their lives seem to be on track. So naturally that’s when things end up getting messed up again.

If you think my work deserves any tips, then please check out my ko-fi. It is by no means a requirement and my work will always be free but if you do chose to tip me, then I will be forever grateful.

[pulverulents]

#30: on alternate universes and quarter-life crises

It’s crazy to think that the last time I did this, I hadn’t graduated from uni yet. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to journal since then, it’s just that I didn’t really have any headspace for any kind of non-academic writing or proper introspection until... now, I guess? Even now, after so long of not really putting my thoughts into proper full sentences, it’s kind of hard to write in a way that isn’t in a scientific capacity.

There’s been a lot of thoughts running through my head lately, though. And as always, I’m not sure where to start. But nobody reads these things except me anyway, so I guess it doesn’t really matter whether or not there’s any semblance of flow or logic to this. 

I’m glad the pandemic is pretty much over. Not that the virus has disappeared, but the world seems to have more or less returned to normal now. Which is great, because it would really suck to have to graduate into the job market of 2 years ago. I’m glad that I have a job that I like, and another job on the horizon that I’m excited about too. Most days whenever I think about it I can still barely believe that I somehow applied for 1 job and ended up being offered 2 (well, actually 3 if you count the freelance retainer offer thingy). And I’m glad that at least for now, I still have the time and bandwidth to continue with aca with The Lower Loungers. 

I’ve recently started getting a glimpse of the wider aca community in Singapore, though, and... honestly, a lot of people in it give me the ick. And like, in a MAJOR way. Maybe I’m the one at fault for vacillating violently between “oh shit I’m actually pretty good at this” and “holy shit I suck at this”, but my impression is that a lot of them have overinflated egos and will take any and every opportunity to show off, or will hype their “friends” up without really meaning it even though something their “friends” are doing may be objectively not-good. But I’m glad that in The Lower Loungers, I’ve surrounded myself with people who I can trust to be honest with themselves and with me, and who are driven by passion and not ego. Which seems (at least, to me) to be fairly rare in this industry. I’ve always had a theory that to be a good musician, you need a healthy balance of narcissism and self-loathing, and I guess as someone who more often than not sits on the self-loathing end, it really irks me when the balance is tipped towards the other end. Or maybe I’m just jealous of their confidence. I don’t know. I should probably be unpacking all of this in therapy, but I have neither the time nor the money for it right now.

I feel like I’ve been trying to be own therapist for a long time now, though. It’s always been a coping mechanism of sorts for me to intellectualise my feelings and pick them apart from the outside, so the next time I feel the same way maybe it won’t hurt as much. Does it work? Hell if I know. It doesn’t really make things easier in the moment, that’s for sure. But it’s definitely more convenient to just force myself to swallow it and then pick away at it later when it’s half-digested, rather than sit in it in all its fullness and dissolve into an emotional mess. I’m starting to realise that maybe this coping mechanism isn’t always the most healthy way to approach things. Sometimes I can move on by compartmentalising it and opening it up later when I’m in a more stable headspace. Other times it just feels like I’m always running away from myself. Maybe sometimes I just need to let myself sit in the emotion and fully feel through it. 

My sister mentioned something recently about “healing your inner child”. I’ve heard of it before, but I’ve never really felt the need to really dwell on it, I suppose. But maybe that’s because I don’t want to think about myself as a child. I want to leave her in the past, together with all the pain and hurt that she carries, whether or not she knows that she does. I don’t know how to look her in the face without shouldering all of her damage again. Running away again, I guess.

And maybe all this running away is what’s keeping me from emotionally availing myself for a relationship. I’m not ready to share my life so intimately with someone else, but I may never be. I don’t know. I don’t even really know how to identify, some days I don’t feel any need to label myself but other days it’s hard not to feel the pressure to do just that. It’s hard enough to admit to myself that I’m probably not straight, let alone commit to it by labelling it. Most days I get by by telling myself that I’d rather be happily alone with a bunch of cats than unhappily stuck in a loveless marriage. Still, it would be nice to have someone. I want to be able to say that I have someone. But that doesn’t mean that the prospect of opening up my deepest wounds to someone doesn’t still terrify me. And being openly not-straight also terrifies me. Immensely so. Maybe things wouldn’t be so difficult if I wasn’t such a late bloomer with love and sexuality.

To be honest, lately I can’t help but feel that I’m a late bloomer in... pretty much all of my interests apart from the one that I’m currently making a career out of. I’d like to think that in another life, I got singing lessons instead of keeping with piano, kept with choir instead of pin-balling between all the other performing arts, and would be more competent and more connected with the aca community now. Or maybe in another life, I’d have the guts to post covers online of me and my guitar, or I’d been allowed to bring my guitar to hall, and maybe I’d have gotten into Unplugged and would be a part of some band now. In yet another life, I’d like to think that I discovered musical theatre earlier and went to Lasalle or even somewhere in America to get a BFA in musical theatre and try to make it on Broadway, or honestly, I would even be content with regional theatre. In another life, I’d like to think that I stuck with softball through secondary school and JC, and would still be strong enough and athletic enough to continue playing it now. In another life, maybe I would’ve let my Taylor Swift edit-making skills turn into a passion for graphic design. In another life, maybe I would have pushed through being really bad at math and actually have become an engineer like Mr Lim Lee said I should. Or maybe in another life, I’d have gone overseas for uni and and have embarked on a myriad of academic or non-academic ventures that I can’t do here in Singapore. Maybe it would be easier there to figure out who I am.

I’m not saying that I’d rather live these alternate lives over this one. Or am I? I don’t know. No, most days I really do believe that I am where I’m meant to be, and even though at several points long the way I thought I was being derailed, they resulted in valuable experiences that shaped me into who I am. Even if I still don’t really know who I am. They were chapters of my life that served a purpose for where I was in life at the time, and once it was over it was time to move on to the next chapter and leave it behind, no matter how much I enjoyed it. It doesn’t stop me from missing those chapters and from mourning what could’ve been if certain things hadn’t happened or if I had actually been as competent as I would have liked to be, but it is what it is, I guess. Actually, on that note - do I really even want to live those alternate lives? Or do I just resent that I’m not competent enough to really live them out? Were / are they ever truly passions of mine or is it just that I can’t stand not being good enough at something that I even mildly enjoy? Is it that I would rather be a spectacular failure than put in the effort to strive for excellence and then fall short into mediocrity? Damn, I really should be unpacking all of this in therapy.

But I do think I’ve more or less made peace with the fact that I’m where I am for a reason. It doesn’t stop me from daydreaming about what could’ve been in another life, though I’ll never admit that to anyone.

It also doesn’t stop me from worrying endlessly about the future. I know, sounds like nothing has changed. I guess my life has always been marked by endless anxiety that surrounds me and everything I do like a tornado of static. And part of me doesn’t know where the static ends and I begin. But that’s nothing new, I suppose. For now, I’m just taking things one day at a time, one chapter at a time. Because it’s senseless to worry about someday not being ok when I am ok right now. 

Ok. Breathe.

-jo

[findlayccarter]

Tobacco and Turntables – Film Craft Disciplines

Shoot Prep:

Tilta Nucleus-M:

In hindsight I should’ve spent more time with the wireless follow focus before the shoot. One day wasn’t enough to full get a grasp of it but I practiced with it enough to be able to fix any problems we had. After collecting the equipment with Tom, we had a fiddle around with it, everything seemed smooth, but I wanted to take it home before the shoot early the next morning to check everything was working properly. When I was testing it, a big problem arose, one of the wires that looked like it had already been patched up wasn’t working. This was the one that powered the motor from the cameras power. Without this cable meant that we couldn’t use the wireless remote that it planned to give to someone on the day who could watch the monitor and try and pull focus. Looking back this plan would’ve made the shoot more challenging as it was a small area and the monitor, we got didn’t have a BNC cable long enough for them to be away from the camera. For the future If we plan on pulling focus with someone away from the camera, I’d investigate wireless monitors. However, a solution that I came up with was the second remote that the Nucleus came with. Basically, the handles that would go on a vocus rig but they had buttons and dials for pulling focus or operating a zoom lens. These had to be battery powered which I could then connect to the motor to power them instead of using the camera battery which was a relief. Using this method of focus pulling was challenging but more stable than pulling it manually. Using one scroll wheel on the handle of the shoulder rig was a lot better than I expected and for the environment we were in was a much better setup than the one we intended to have.  The problem I found with it was the motor and I think it’s down to experience. In the morning on set I realised that the Sigma Prime lenses we had for the Ursa didn’t fit with the tracks on the follow focus motor, this meant we had to add the larger rubber tracks that went round the lens. This worked but when changing lenses often it was quite time consuming to have to take it on and off again and check the motor was properly on the lens track. In future I think I’d need to see what lenses fit and if there’s a better setup you can do with the motor to make it fit different lenses. Looking back now though I don’t think it was the lenses problem, more the narrowness of the should rig poles not letting the motor reach the lens fully. Another element of the motor that was frustrating, but I think just comes down to practice and understanding was the torque and speed of the motor. Often the motor would go too fast for the tracks and come off mid take or the opposite would happen, and it would be too slow, and the lens wouldn’t reach all the way around to get the focus, especially if I had to change focus quickly to capture a moving close-up. It felt like there were a million different settings on how to manage the speed or power of the lens. If you were near the camera with the controls like I was you had to have it on a nearby mode and on top of that the amount of torque or power could be changed based on how fast you wanted to pull focus. This is something that I want to setup and test more, getting the ursa on a tripod and messing around with the focus controls to see what difference is made as I think in future it could turn out to make the process of getting good focus faster and more precise. Overall, I’m happy with the focus bar a couple of mess ups with the motor, and its something I want to experiment more with. Elements like setting marker points for the focus so you can track movement and the focus can only go in and out from a certain range. 

Lighting:

This was a part of the film that me and Tom in particularly were nervous about as neither of us feel like we have a lot of experience with lighting a scene. However, seeing the footage now I’m not unhappy with how it turned out. I think this is mainly because there’s no real boundaries being pushed with the lighting; our main aim was to keep the light looking consistent. In the living room we setup two of the Dedolights. One that was dimmed and slightly highlighted the records and wall behind the two characters. And the other that was dimmed and diffused with a small reflector circle that works for reflecting and dimming. This was pointed on a flood mode at the actor on the side of their face at the couch to add a slightly warm tone to the room as if it was a dreary Sunday or Saturday with a small lamp on. We also had a small practical light in the corner of the room that can be seen in some next to the record player in some shots that adds slight warm but mainly creates a more interesting depth of field along with the harsh white from the window. In the kitchen we setup the big 350W Fresnel light to light up the room and to make it seem more like a dreary day rather than it being late in the day as the shoot was. We put it on flood mode and bounced it of the ceiling which create an even light on each of the characters face. 

Shoot day

We didn’t have any major technical problems. At the beginning we were low on people, but we resolved it easily enough, the main stress we had was our time. We were against the clock as this was our only shoot day to film the entire film, that’s why planning everything was so crucial, and I think that me and Tom did this well as everything on the day went smoothly and close to the original plan. Talking with the actors beforehand for a couple hours and letting them add input really helped on the day, everything felt a lot more natural. On top of running through the basic shots so we all had an idea of what the day would entail. The main stress was time and more because of losing day light, we knew that If it got too dark it would be too hard to recreate daylight and have it be consistent with previous shots. However, we filmed everything by room instead of chronologically. Meaning that scenes in each room all looked the same lighting wise. 

Handheld 

Filming handheld is something that I enjoy, and I always like the intensity and feeling it brings to a film. Especially using the follow focus this year meant that everything was a lot more accessible and precise I think despite some difficulties. However, there are sometimes where were filming a static shot and we still want it to be handheld. These can be tricky as the Ursa plus a Sigma lens and the motor for focus is quite heavy especially after a day of only handheld. After looking at the footage of the static handheld it feels like the handheld just creates a lot of micro shakes that I don’t think adds to the cinematography and can be quite distracting. However, I’ve been told that it’s not distracting and people like it so I might just be looking into it too much, for me it’s a lot more distracting when the camera isn’t moving, and it can make the footage look like its mistake. In future this is something I want to consider more and either find a method of image stabilisation with the camera or using a tripod for areas that are meant to be more static than handheld. 

Post-Production

The edit is still on going and Jake is making good headway with putting everything together. After seeing the first two scenes that had been edited, I’m even more excited to see a full rough cut, I’m especially happy with a scene that’s almost all in one shot that goes up to 40 seconds. Ever since ‘The Cactus’ last year our group loves a one shot. After picture lock I plan to do the colour grade while Aimee is working on the sound design, I don’t think this will be too tricky of a process as there nothing that’s an extreme creative choice to be made in the grade. My intentions are more to exaggerate the colours we can already see from being shot in ProRes and hopefully create a dreary rainy atmosphere from the outside but a warm students flat inside and hopefully distract the viewer from how white a lot of the scenes look.