#ofc Im tired but didnt need to stop during the class

[the-stray-liger]

The mini training I did during the week worked I didnt even have to throw up halfway thru the class!

[heyitsyn]

Manager!Seijoh Part 2

a/n: lmao this is kinda weird for me but i think this was an interesting request so lets try it!

for more seijoh content, check this masterlist out!

lowkey kyotani kentaro typa beat but you gotta squint (??)

also warning! angst!

anon request: Hii! I just read the seijoh manager headcannon you wrote, it made me cry so much, i love those seijoh boys so much, and you are such an amazing writer! I dont know if requests are open or not but i was wondering what would happen if the boys ever find out what happened to reader cha? If requests aren’t open or if you just don’t want to write about it, I completely understand! Thank you for your wonderful writing again! Stay safe!

the stageplay was *chefs kiss* like MY MANS IWA WAS SERVING LOOKSSSS

soooooo

this might get really angsty idk so just a warning in advance

anyways

i mentioned in the earlier part that no one really knew what happened to you

so this one is when they DO find out what happened and what theyre gonna do about it

so first off, kyoken was basically the only one who saw you that day and saw how badly you looked

the thing is, at that current moment, he didnt really know the reason why and what happened

he had theories that you got jumped or you just got into an accident 

but he was prettttttyyyy sure you got beat up

so you went home and rushed to yanno, take a shower and get your wound treated and cleaned so that it would heal bc you really cannot afford to let the boys see that

they would think of the worst at the smallest sight of blood on you and you really didnt want to deal w that chaos at the moment

you cant let them get suspended from school since they were going to interhigh soon and you cant let oikawa and the boys ruin their reputations just for you

a first year girl theyve just met

it was kinda hard to rinse all of the milk from your hair but you were able to at least get the smell out and clean up your mess

then you looked in the mirror and saw faint handprints around your throat from that girl miyo and you cringed as you touched it

‘jesus christ, seriously what does she eat? bricks?’

after your clothes were in the wash, you went to bed to get homework done and also looking up how to use the concealer to hide your bruises 

you didnt really own any makeup but your mom has some so you could just use that

during dinner, you wore a turtleneck to prevent any suspicion from happening but you couldnt really hide the big gash on your face

‘y/n, what happened!’

‘i was dumb and accidentally fell up the stairs’

your parents shared a chuckle bc theyve actually seen you do this before so it was easy to believe the lie

‘darling, do we need to get you glasses? it seems your sight has worsened’

‘haha’

you went along with the joke but you weren’t eating and just pushed your food around

‘y/n? is the food not good?’

your mother asked but you shook your head with a convincing smile

‘its good! i just had some meat buns with the team earlier and i ate a lot so im still full’

you cursed at yourself for making it sound so rehearsed but you were relieved when your mother nodded

the next morning, you were satisfied with the reduced puffing of your face and you snuck into your parents bathroom where her makeup bag would be

as you held up the concealer, you started getting anxious because this was not the same shade as your skin and it would definitely raise suspicion if you had a different color on your neck than the rest of your body

you already planned to blame your wound as acne that you accidentally scratched but what were you going to do with the handprints?

the website you read said that it would take at least a day for them to fade

so you decided youd just wear a scarf and pretend you were cold

kunimi was confused as to why you had a scarf bundled around your neck and his eyes even widened at the sight of the bandaid on your face

‘y/n! what-!’

he shot up from his seat and your eyes widened before hissing at him to sit down

‘what happened to you?!’

he worriedly asked but you waved him off with a small smile

‘acne. this was the only available bandaid in my house so i had to work with this’

kunimi might be a lazy little shit but he was observant

and he noticed the way you said that sentence

it was like a robot

like a robot programmed to say what was written on its script

but before he could press on further, you already pointed out that the teacher was coming in and to hush so you could listen

the entire time, kunimi was awake alright, but he was too busy looking at you and a bright red thing that poked from the edge of your bandaid

kindaichi went to your classroom for lunch and you had to repeat your excuse for him but he pointed at another thing

‘why are you wearing a scarf? its like burning in here’

you didnt look at him as you just opened your bento

‘being in your period causes your temperature to fluctuate and cause unexplainable chill at even the hottest places’

okay what

they both shared a look and just shrugged, blaming it on your time of the month for the way you spoke with no emotion in your tone

this had to be the longest school day of your life

the whole time the scarf remained on and kunimi cant help but notice your flinches at the smallest of sounds

finally practice arrived and you really thought you could pull this off until oikawa barreled straight towards you and hugged you tightly

‘y/n-chan! you okay?! oikawa-senpai was so worried for you!’ 

you cringed but nodded

‘im okay, oikawa-san’

‘senpai, y/n-chan! call me senpai!’

‘im not going to feed into your kink, oikawa-san’

*cue everyone busting a lung*

‘y/n, what’s the-’

‘acne. only bandaid available in my house’

eventually, everything was fine

you were still cracking jokes w the others and you were still laughing w them so kunimi and kindaichi were at ease

but that shattered when oikawa was being oikawa and was being all touchy and bothering you about the scarf around your neck that he ended up pulling it off and he saw the marks

he was silent, just staring at them

ofc you were freaking out and you started breathing heavily

oh god he found out and he was going to hurt them

‘o-oikawa-senpai, listen, it’s not what it-’

‘y/n’

his voice made your eyes shut in fear and the others crowded around you and they all had scandalized looks on their faces

‘is this why you werent in practice yesterday?’

his voice was sharp, a complete opposite to his normally cheerful tone

you shivered and sighed

‘senpai, please dont-’

‘who is it?’

the other third years shared a look bc they were truly shook at oiks voice

‘w-why should i tell you?! its none-’

‘i am your captain and i deserve to know who is pulling you away from your managerial duties so he could just give you these damn hickeys!’

the gym turned silent

you stopped then furrowed your eyebrows

‘hickey? what-’

‘dont act like you dont know, y/n. so just be honest and tell me who’s your boyfriend’

lmao i shouldnt laugh bc this was supposed to be sad but im cackling at how dumb oikawa really is sometimes

‘i-i,,,,’

you stuttered but you knew this was the perfect opportunity

you could just blame it on this ridiculous misunderstanding 

its a difficult hole to get out of but it would be easier than the other

so you pretended to be flustered and turned around to hide your face

‘it was a one-time thing, oikawa-san. i promise it wont happen again’

HELLO WHAT

the team was leaking the feeling of RAGE

how dare someone take their manager!

she was theirs!

and it doesnt help that every player might have a little thing for you

is this really turning into a harem

oikawa kept demanding answers but iwa hit him enough to quit and they finally went back to practicing but they were still distracted

every time they looked at you, they would grow flustered and red and end up missing a block or a serve

they just cant see their baby manager like that

you noticed it quickly and irritably got on them

‘stop staring at my neck and get back to practice!’

they flinched and saluted at you

lmao this little first year girl is able to control nearly a dozen <5′10 men who are all older than her

but you were glad that they finally stopped asking about it

this was going to go by smoothly and you were going to be okay

however,,,

several days later,,,

this is an angst fanfiction so i will bring thy angst

you were taking out your class garbage since it was your group’s turn in cleaning the classroom when you were grabbed by the arm on your way back

it was still outside and after school so it wouldve been an unlikely situation that someone would help you

it was that biatch miyo again and her 2 minions behind her

then you recognized one girl from the track team who was actually a year older than you but you saw her dropping off some files in the office

if you tried to run, she could easily grab you w her fast legs

great

you were stuck

you let out a tired sigh and crossed your arms on your chest

‘what is it you want from me, again?’

she smirked

‘you really dont know how to listen, do you? i told you to stay away from oikawa but youre still flaunting around with him!’

is she serious?

this girl was borderline stalker/yandere type of girl

you gave her an incredulous look and frowned

‘girl, do you hear yourself? you damn crazy and im leaving’

but she grabbed you back and shoved you against the wall

but this time, you kicked her on the chest to make her fall on her flat booty

surprise was written on their faces and you stretched your arms in front of you to symbolize distance

‘one more step and ill beat tf out of you. i just got my nails off so id watch it if i were you’

miyo huffed and stood up, brushing herself, glaring at one of the girls who tried to help her

then she remembered what you told her

‘hmm? if you hit me, you could be kicked off of the team since you hurt another student. so, go ahead, little kouhai’

she was right

even if it was self-defense, the school’s disciplinary section sucked and just suspended or kicked off people left and right even though they didnt do anything wrong

you were stumped

you were here on a scholarship, not on tuition

your mom would KILL you if she found out you got into a fight and got a record

but you didnt show that and kept your tough facade

‘dont challenge me. i could be a crazy bitch and i dont think youd like your little face being all messed up. so watch your mouth and leave me alone’

you turned to leave but she grabbed your hair and tugged it back

lmao flashbacks to the other part

she twisted your hair into a ponytail and had a firm grip while a girl kicked you behind your knees so you would fall to the ground

oh no you were done w this

you elbowed miyo on the stomach the hardest you could and she groaned which loosened her hold and you kicked her again to the ground

some other girl hit your side and you winced before slapping her straight across the face bc you didnt want to punch her and hurt your knuckles

but they were really testing you

the last girl still had your hair but you twisted around to face her and just did the last you could think of that would hurt

hit her right between her legs

you finally escaped their hold and miyo lunged after you

‘oh my god leave me alone!’

you yelled before holding up your arms to protect your face but she scratched your arms 

obviously you were losing this bc it was just you but you were going to fight as much as you can

‘bad kouhais need to be punished! your senpais need to teach you a lesson!’

miyo screeched and you grabbed her arm before punching her straight at the boob

sorry rebecca

however, one girl was smart and did the same thing you did to her knees and made you fall to a kneeling position and eventually made you curl into a fetal position

gurl we actually fighting so hard considering we’ve never been in a fight

they continuously kicked you before miyo pulled up your head so you could sit up and kneel in front of her

ofc you tried to grab at her and punch at her

but these other girls were able to catch you and trap your arms in their hold and had their feet on your legs so you couldnt kick

great, another bathroom scene

your arms were bleeding from miyo’s scratches and your sides were hurting after their kicks

you lost and you were already bleeding in places you didnt think you would

this would be the last attempt and if he doesnt come, you’re done for

‘IIIIIIWWWWWAAAAAAAA-SAAAAAANNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!’

your scream echoed throughout the entire are

possibly could be heard in new york

and your voice became hoarse

ofc the girls were surprised and caught off guard but when there was silence and clear that no one was coming, they started laughing

‘oh, so cute! iwa-san? is that supposed to be iwaizumi-san? heh, you whoring around w him too? thats so cute-’

‘LET. GO. OF. HER. NOW.’

I GOT CHILLS

the girls holding you shrieked and dropped their hold on you before scrambling back causing you to drop to the ground

miyo’s eyes were wide and there was horror all over her face at the voice of that infamous boy

kyotani kentarou

‘WHAT THE FK ARE YOU DOING?!’

he yelled and miyo turned around to be met with his piercing eyes before screaming and running away with her minions in tow

‘YEA RUN AWAY! FKING COWARDS!’

ltr the cursing is so awkward for me to do but this is his character and im just so awkward so sorry!!

you coughed and winced at the pain on your side which caught his attention

again, he noticed you as the manager of their team and you’ve been hanging out w him, well, just him staring at you, at the alley while you feed the animals

you were actually nice and caring and definitely didnt deserve this

‘oi, y-you okay?’

you didnt look up, just closing your eyes in pain and biting your lips to not let out the crying

his eyes softened at you and he noticed you were trying to act tough and brave even though you just got beat up

normally, he wouldnt even help anyone but it seems you just did something to him

he sighed before gently picking you up, you not even bothering to stop him, and he held you tightlyin his arms as he carried you to the nurses office

he had a feeling you didnt want to be seen like this and hes been in the nurse enough to know she actually leaves the moment school ends

you let out a shaky breath as he set you down on the cot and you opened your eyes to reach your hold for him when he went away

‘n-no, don’t leave-’

but he grunted softly before holding your wrist

‘im just getting your damn medicine. chill out’

lowkey getting bakugou vibes

you nodded and went to close your eyes again

kyo returned w some pain relief medicine from his bag that he carries 

babie actually gets into fights often and he needs it sometimes

and he had alcohol medicine kind istg and bandaids for your arms

it was silent as you drank the pills and he sat down next to you so he could treat the wounds

but he let his curiosity take over him

‘why the fk did you let them do this to you’

he grunted and you scoffed with a smile

‘let? more like overpower me and grip me as they just hit me’

‘cant you fight them back?’

you glared at him

‘bruh i literally kneed some girl in their cooch but they just some superhuman typa girls that cant be hurt’

he sighed

‘maybe you just werent strong enough’

okay listen here you lil shit

you didnt want to listen to him scold you anymore so you just went back to closing your eyes

but kyo is actually lowkey nosy so he kept asking questions

‘the first time we met. was it her too?’

you flinched in surprise

‘you remembered that?’

‘ofc i did. you looked like shit. not as bad as this but still like shit’

‘gee thanks, stranger-kun’

‘kyotani,,, kentarou’

you smiled

‘nice to meet you, kyotani kentarou. im l/n y/n’

‘i know’

he mumbled but you didnt catch it

‘thanks for hearing me and coming to help’

he hummed

he wasnt going to tell you that he actually heard the scream for his idol and thought hed be there so he ran to go see him but instead saw you

kyo just respects and looks up to iwa-chan so much it warms my heart uwu-

once you were all patched up, you were finally able to stand but you still staggered

he grabbed your arm softly and sat you back down

‘what the hell are you going to tell the team?’

you paused then sighed

‘i dont know. ill figure something out’

but he knew how observant the players would be and they would catch on

after all, he was there watching at the top bleachers as oikawa yelled at you for the ‘hickey’

‘if they didnt hit your face, you could get away with it. but you have wounds all over you and theyd find out. im guessing youre doing this bc you dont want to trouble them or burden them? bc they would do something about it?’

you just stared at this guy

‘how-’

‘just a guess’

he also wasnt going to tell you that he was actually part of the team but the constant fighting got him in suspension

and the fact that his parents were donors for the school, he only got a tap on the wrist

‘so what do i do, then?’

‘tell them-’

‘no i cant do that! another plan, kyo-kun!’

‘oi, im a second year, idiot. treat me with respect’

the irony bc he totally treats oikawa like trash

‘i just,,,, oikawa-san is seen as this prince/gentleman type and i know how protective he is towards me so the slightest problem could cause him to be ballistic. miyo is popular enough to circulate rumors about him and hes already in his third year and she is too so i just have to endure one year until theyre gone’

kyo was disgusted

all this for that stupid idiot captain?

‘youre dumber than i thought’

you weakly hit him at the arm

‘so mean, kyo-san’

‘i dont think its right youre suffering for someone who isnt even worth it’

you glared and linked your fingers together

‘im the manager. i knew this would happen the moment i signed up but i didnt care. as manager, i have to keep up the team’s image and their popularity for support so i cant let all that be ruined just bc a little first year girl couldnt fight for herself’

‘just tell them, kid. less problems’

then he stood up to leave

‘kid?! im only a year younger than you! what you mean!’

but you were panicking

someone knew about you being hurt and they could easily tell the team

and it only increased when he entered the gym and later introduced himself as a player

you were so surprised that you stopped breathing

‘kyo-san,,,’ 

you muttered and he glared at you

well, more like look at you but i have a theory that kyo actually has problems w his sight so it looks like he’s glaring at you constantly but hes just actually trying to see clearly

‘yo’

oikawa was surprised at this interaction

‘eh? you know kyoken-chan?’

you nodded, still looking at the blonde

‘i-uh’

‘its none of your business’

kyotani grunted and you sighed in relief

maybe your secret would be safe

you were still uneasy about him accidentally revealing it, especially since he practically worships iwaizumi-san, but he kept his mouth shut

your caring personality at first was overbearing on him but he appreciated your efforts like volunteering on helping him with his eyeliner or asking him if he needed help with his medical tape

ngl, he also thought you were there just bc it was a team full of guys and you thought you could have that weird girl fantasy of having a harem

but you cared for them like practically a mother and continuously made it clear to oikawa that you were NOT interested in going on a date with him

you werent annoying, you were nice, and you weren’t pushy so he actually showed you respect and took a liking to you

this created a soft of protectiveness around you

sometimes, he would see you around school and he would practically glare at the girls he knew hated you

and when he wasnt there to protect you, you would call him to the nurses office where he would mumble apologies of not being there while patching you up before he would go over and threaten them to touch you again and he would bite their fingers off

aww hes so cute

ofc he still kept your secret bc it wasnt his business to tell 

until that one day

it was normal practice with you helping the boys toss the balls so they could spike it

iwaizumi spiked it really hard making you flinch and he apologized profusely after you almost fell off the chair you were standing on in surprise

‘im just angry that that damn shittykawa is the captain and is late to his own damn practice’

oikawa? late?

that was unheard of

you were about to get off the chair and look for him when the devil himself entered the gym with the devil’s mistress on his arm

miyo was holding on to his arm as he laughed at something she said and ruffled her hair

you dropped the ball and kyotani quickly moved to you so he could stand in front of you protectively

‘oi! shittykawa! youre late!’

oikawa just smiled and pointed at the girl

‘miyo-chan made us cookies, iwa-chan!’

at the mention of food, the boys ran forward but you and kyotani remained at the side at the infamous name

you got off the chair and hurriedly placed an arm in front of him

‘don’t, kyo-san’

‘the bitch-’

‘i know. but please, dont’

you begged and he huffed before aggresively wrapping an arm around your shoulder

aggressively cares for you

‘if she does something or even talks shit, i will-’

‘kyoken-chan! y/n-chan! come here!’

oikawa called but kyotani snarled at him

you smile wobbled when miyo’s eyes narrowed at you and she smirked

‘oh? your manager is so cute, oikawa-kun!’

the rest of the team was just blinking at this weird tension

kyo had his arm tightly around you and hatingly glaring at this girl, who was icily smirking at you, and you tightly holding kyo’s shirt with a worried glint in your eyes

‘you were late to your own damn practice, oikawa. stop wasting time eating this shit and go back to playing’

tbh it still shocks you at how rudely kyo talks to oikawa but you were too pre-occupied on making sure this kid wasnt going to lunge at this girl

‘a-ah, right. oikawa-san, we have to return to practice. if you excuse us, miyo-san-’

you were about to gently grab oikawa’s arm to bring him back when she grabbed your wrist and secretly gripped it

‘oh, dont be so uptight, y/n-chan! i worked so hard-’

but kyo immediately snatched her hand away from you and squeezed it as tight as he could, making her wince

oikawa noticed the pain in miyo’s face and he was angry that kyotani was hurting a girl

‘oi! kyotani!’

he shouted and pushed him away, making the team, even iwa, worriedly look at kyo and brace themselves for the beating

iwa jumped into action and held the second year back while you jumped in front of oikawa

‘kyo-san, calm-’

‘you! be quiet’

he shouted, finger pointing at you

‘and you!’

before pointing to oikawa

‘you are a shitty captain’

‘kyotani!’

iwa was just straight out confused and hes really questioning life decisions right now

mom is stressed and confused, i repeat, MOM IS STRESSED AND CONFUSED

oikawa’s eyes narrowed but he just calmly talked

‘we’ll talk about this later’

‘miyo-san, we really need to practice so if you could see yourself out’

iwa gently smiled to the girl, who was about to protest, but makki and mattsun has already pointed to the door

she huffed then turned to leave and once she was gone, iwa let go of kyotani

‘kyotani, what the hell was that’

oikawa lowly asked and you were about to put your arms out to separate them but yahaba and watari grabbed you so you wouldnt be caught in the middle

then kyo turned to you, fire in his eyes

‘either you tell him or i will’

can we just talk about how protective kyo is?

you trembled and you roughly left yahaba and watari’s grip so you could gently place your hands on his chest

‘please, kyo. just leave it, okay? remember, it’s my busi-’

‘if i see that bitch enter this gym again, i dont give a flying fuck if shes a girl. ill beat the living daylights out of her’

‘kyotani kentarou, what-!’

oikawa shouted but your glare shut him up

‘y/n-chan, what is going on’

‘n-nothing. kyo-san is just, yknow, being him. you know? okay. now lets get back to practice, everyone!’

coach irihata and the other guy sharing that look

to say the least, miyo was pissed

and when she was pissed at you, she always did what she normally does

she corners you wherever its deserted and beat you with the help of her minions who holds you down while she slaps, hits, or kicks you

girlie you needs to tell the boys youre literally getting hit and abused and im just-!!!!!!!!!

and thats exactly what she did

only this time, she wore hard-tipped shoes

‘see, y/n-chan? i saved up and got these shoes just for you!’

the minions were just sharing looks of fear and genuine sympathy for you

they were only there bc she blackmailed them with pictures doing questionable things and if they dont help, they would be released

as usual, you didnt cry, biting your lip as you winced from the pain of her kick at your side

‘youre so pathetic. how could you do this to a person? and all this for your oikawa-san? for a boy?’

you wheezed at her causing her eyes to flare

‘HAH?! SAY THAT AGAIN!’

‘i said-’

but you were cut off when she slapped the soul out of you

her ring cut you at the lip and you cringed at the taste of blood from your lip

‘what else? we gotta hurry this up, miyo, because practice started like 5 minutes ago and im going to get yel-’

‘SHUT UP!’

kyotani entered the gym after his talk with his teacher and immediately looked around for you

his honey brown eyes scanned the area and they widened as your figure wasn’t in sight

‘oi, yahaba, wheres the manager’

the boy shrugged from the side 

‘i dont know. shes late though’

oh god

‘kindaichi! kunimi! youre in the same grade right? did you see where she went after class?’

kunimi paused to remember before answering

‘she stayed after to talk to obe-sensei for the homework, that’s all i know’

that meant she stayed behind and was probably somewhere

‘SHIT!’

he shouted before bolting out the door

ofc the boys were all worried of his outburst and started yelling after him

‘kyotani!’

‘kyoken-chan?!’

they followed him, who was running as fast as he can

the girls would probably do it outside to avoid having to clean up their mess and he almost wrenched the door open in a hurry to take a lap around the school building

it was certainly a sight to see: a boy with dyed blonde hair and two brown lines followed after an entire volleyball team who were screaming after him

‘YOU-!’

he heard that bitch voice and bolted towards the back, where the dumpster was, and found you at the same position like the first time he saw you

blood was dripping on the floor from your busted lip and a cut on your cheek while your eyes were wide at the sight of kyotani’s panting form

‘kyo-!’

‘kyotani!’

your eyes watered at the sight of the entire volleyball team behind him, also eviqualiently surprised yet fuming angry

the girls who held you dropped your arms and ran for the hills so they wouldnt get caught

kyo pushed miyo aside as he grabbed you from the floor and held you

oikawa gave miyo a look that cannot even be described in words

all it was: incredibly, super, ridiculously, heatedly, furiously, angry

now multiply that by the entire team

‘hm, my father, who is the chieftain of the police, mentioned about there being jail time for even minors who commit serious acts like assault or bullying’

mattsun seethed

‘really? i think he’d like the video as evidence against kenta miyo for assault and battery, including bullying, so how many years would that add up to? nearly a decade?’

the girl miyo squeaked as oikawa and iwaizumi roughly grabbed each wrist

‘how long’

miyo trembled at the increased pressure on her wrist

‘IM ASKING YOU A FUCKING QUESTION! HOW LONG!’

iwaizumi has never shouted at a girl before and hopefully, it would be the last

‘s-s-since l-last month’

you burrowed your head in kyotani’s shirt

‘please dont’

‘shut the fk up, y/n-chan, we’re not talking to you right now’

oikawa coldly reprimanded

‘everyone, take y/n away. iwaizumi and i can take care of this. but mattsun, makki, track down those 3 girls and find others who have even touched our manager’

‘got it, boss’

if it was in a different situation, you wouldve applauded oikawa at his ability to be a leader but you were currently in pain from the bruises and the cuts all over you

your fellow first-years were angrily punching things in the nurse’s office

rip nurse in the morning when she finds holes all over her walls

the irony is, the most agressive one, kyotani kentarou, was the calmest as he quietly cleaned your wounds and placed ointment on the bruises

‘i told you so’

he mumbled and you scoffed

‘howd you find me anyways?’

‘dumb bitch yaps really loud’

he answered

no one was yelling at you and no one was saying a word

eventually, oikawa and iwaizumi entered followed by the rest of the third years

‘why. why didnt you tell us, y/n?’

oikawa asked as he sat down on the chair beside the bed

you looked down and fiddled with your fingers

‘if i did, you wouldve hurt her. and she wouldve spread rumors about you and ruin the image and reputation of the grand king and the volleyball team. i didnt want to do that to you and thought i could just endure it one year since youre graduating anyways’

iwaizumi sucked in a harsh breath

‘you wouldn’t have known what we were going to do. you are no oracle and you dont know how we are going to handle this situation. so you were really stupid for keeping these things to yourself, y/n. you may be our manager and our caretaker but let us take care of you too’

you nodded but your tears fell

‘sorry. im really sorry. i didnt meant to trouble you’

‘stop apologizing, y/n’

‘sorry’

‘y/n!’

you bowed your head low and bit your lip in guilt

‘i shouldve told you but i didnt and now everyone is troubled-’

‘we’re a team, y/n. youre not a lone wolf anymore. you have a pack standing right beside you’

watari mumbled and he sat down to give you his favorite hug: the one arm hug

‘im super angry right now and it might seem like im snappy but i really want you to know, y/n, that i really love you and i am just hurt that you didnt trust us enough to tell us you were suffering when i trust you with my entire being. so next time youre hurting or in pain, dont you dare keep it to yourself. tell us, okay? tell your senpais and friends about it so we can share that burden’

oikawa babie you are so mature like what-

what started out as a hug from watari turned into a team hug around the tiny bed, even kyo joined, and you were so happy you found a good team that appreciated you and everything youve done and accepted you as one of their own

‘oikawa-san, what did you do to miyo?’

‘again, im mad y/n-chan, so please dont talk about her right now’

‘iwa-san?’

‘dont use those puppy eyes on me! dont you dare-- okay, we’re pressing charges’

silence

‘WHAT?!’

‘and iwa-chan slapped her!’

‘WHAT?!’

‘shut up shittykawa you did too!’

‘WHAT?!’

a/n: this hurted a bit and im sorry if this was lowkey awkward and all over the place but i didnt exactly know how to portray this situation since ive never experienced this, just bullying in general, before but for those who have, please tell someone so that you dont have to carry that burden by yourself. it doesnt have to be a your parents, but talk to a trusted adult so that this type of stuff doesnt happen to you bc you truly dont deserve that type of treatment and deserve to be happy and feel safe in an environment like school or anywhere in general

[emsvegetables]

Hello!! first, I wanted to tell you that your med student hcs were literally SO good they really hit home for me. I I was also wondering if I could ask for hcs of Kuroo, Matsukawa, and Hanamaki who are stuck at home with their s/o? Like, who goes insane first? How do they pass time? Also, if they're in college, how many times do they also go to class online? Thank you so much!!!

omg anon this request WAS SO FUN TO WRITE thank you for requesting this :-)!!!!!

Kuroo:

* STUCK IN QUARANTINE WITH THIS MAN???

* That’s my dream lmaoooo

* N E WAYS

* He’s so EXCITED he gets to be in quarantine with you!!!!

* Like, even though the both of you share the apartment and are dating, it’s very hard to actually spend time with you, with the both of you being in different courses in college after all.

* So spending time with you??? He’s so happy.

* Before the quarantine really goes into effect, he’s insisting that the both of you have to go get some groceries.

* BC HE KNOWS THAT YOUR LAZY ASS WONT LEAVE THE HOUSE ONCE THE QUARANTINE STARTS LMAOOOO

* He’s always making breakfast for you in the morning!!!! LIKE???? This man is husband material 10/10.

* If you aren’t awake by the time he’s plated the food, he runs into the room and carries you out.

* There was once he dropped you on the floor but we don’t talk about that.

* When you guys have lessons on???? The both of you are in separate rooms bc you’re too distracting to him.

* But you bet that if you have a call going on and he doesn’t, he’s creeping beside you and saying some weird ass stuff to distract YOU.

* There was one time this asshole came into the room saying,” are you made of Fluorine, Iodine and Neon? Cause you’re F-I-Ne!” while your mike was on.

* BRUH your whole class literally started laughing at you.

* Even the professor GIGGLED.

* At this point Kuroo’s face is the shocked pikachu one.

* BC HE DIDNT KNOW YOUR MIKE WAS ON ORIRIIFIDIFJFJDIOW

* And ofc you get back at him during one of his lessons later on during that day.

* He’s focusing on the teacher and writing down notes onto his notebook when you hear the teacher ask him a question.

* You’re like: ITS GO TIME BABY.

* When Kuroo unmutes himself to answer the question, you’re pressing a quick kiss onto his neck and biting down on it.

* “The answer to the question is—ah shit baby it’s going to be like that?”

* RIRKFKFK THE WHOLE CLASS GOES SILENT THEN.

* Then Kuroo realises what just came out of his mouth and YOU bet this is the first time you’ve seen him so embarrassed.

* HAHAHAHAHA

* His teacher just keeps quiet for a moment; before asking another student the same question and completely ignoring Kuroo for the rest of the call.

* REIOFDO YOU BET HE’S GOING TO TICKLE YOU UNTIL YOU CRY FOR THAT and maybe do something else that’ll make you REALLY CRY.

* Tbh the both of you love each other so much, and there’s never a boring moment with Kuroo in quarantine.

* He keeps you on your toes, and you keep him on his, so you’re actually not bored or tired of him in quarantine!!!!

* But when he sees that you’re getting a little fidgety and tense, he’s immediately suggesting something that the both of you don’t do usually.

* Like BAKING???? He’s happily making cinnamon rolls with you and dancing with you in the kitchen to some weird song.

* Or he’s playing WII with you, and the both of you make so much noise the neighbours come over and ask you politely if you could...”make love a little quieter” DOROFOFIFIFIEIEI

* So none of you go insane because this man just KNOWS how to handle you!!!

Matsukawa:

* AHHH THIS IS PT 2 OF MY DREAM

* ANYWAYS

* This guy??? He’s such a sweet man.

* When he realises quarantine is going to go into effect, he’s dragging you out to buy some essentials for your lockdown.

* He’s making sure to buy at least some healthy snacks and vegetables to make sure you stay healthy during this time period!!!!!

* OKAY LETS BE REAL this guy is the one that takes care of the other in the relationship.

* He’s making sure you go to sleep at the time you should be in bed, and hauls your ass to bed if you refuse to do so.

* But his cuddles are very soothing so you fall asleep VERY quickly.

* But if you really can’t sleep??? He’s staying up to talk to you about anything that comes into your mind.

* He’s also making sure you eat!!!! He’ll make lunch for you if he sees that you overslept and missed breakfast.

* If you want to bake, he’s trying his best to help you, but this man can only give you the ingredients bc for some reason he SUCKS at baking.

* He tries baking cupcakes for you in the middle of your lessons one day and the cupcakes were all droopy and uncooked. SO LESSON LEARNT.

* SPEAKING OF LESSONS:

* Tbh he knows not to distract you in the middle of lessons, so he’s either in another room during your lessons or he’s quietly resting his head on your thighs.

* BUT.

* You’re totally different.

* You make it a point to disrupt his lessons all the time, always asking for cuddles in the middle of his lessons and asking for kisses as well!!!

* He just sighs at you when you come crawling towards him while he’s writing down notes, and just opens his arms to allow you to crawl into his lap.

* THERE WAS ONCE where you were cuddling him and the teacher asked him to answer a question, so he turned on his mike and camera, and then he hears a loud gasp.

* “Matsukawa! What are you doing?”

* YOU WERE SITTING ON HIS LAP AND FACING THE BACK WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE YOU WERE DOING

* “IM SORRY MISS!”

* DIORIRRIRKRK when he hears you laugh, you bet he’s going to punish you later 👀😎

* But as much as the both of you love to spend time with each other...do you know who goes insane first??

* YOU.

* You need to go outside!!!!!

* Mattsun notices how you’re getting all tense, and he’s trying his best to take your mind out of it.

* He’s asking you to exercise with him, and it often leads to OTHER THINGS HAHAHA

* And he plays some random two player online games with you!!!!!!

* “(Y/N) NO FAIR YOU HIT ME!”

* In other words, being stuck with Mattsun in quarantine is a fun thing!!!

* You go insane but he’s there to perk you up!!!!!

Hanamaki:

* PART THREE OF MY DREAM!!!!

* This man :””)

* Tbh you’re 90% of his impulse control, so when the both of you split up to buy the essentials you need during quarantine, this boy comes back with potato chips and all the unhealthy snacks.

* But you can never say no to him so you buy those in the end :(

* This guy is amazing to be with, but it’s pretty obvious YOU’RE going to be the one taking care of him during quarantine.

* You’ll have to tell him it’s 12am and it’s time to sleep and to stop watching Rosemarie being disgusted with Ed.

* You’ll have to tell him, no, eating potato chips does NOT count as lunch.

* But sometimes he’s so damn convincing he’s pulling you into his lap to continue watching 90 day fiancé, and he’s feeding you the chips with a kiss to your lips.

* He’s trying out all those weird quarantine things that he saw on youtube with you LOLOLOL

* He got so bored that at one point he got into tiktok and made a video that went viral.

* But then he logged out bc he was BORED of Tiktok so...

* N E WAYS

* He goes to sleep late every night, but he somehow wakes up entirely refreshed for his lessons the next morning?????

* And you don’t disrupt him during his lessons, usually just reading quietly beside him or watching the television in the living room.

* But this little shit loves to bother you in the middle of lessons.

* BRUH HE SCARED YOU while you were trying to answer the question the teacher asked.

* You screamed into the mike and the teacher jumped.

* “(Y/N)! I asked you to answer a question, not murder my ears!”

* “Sorry miss!!!!!!”

* And when you hear Makki laugh after you mute yourself again, you instantly formulate a plan to murder him.

* But then, you thought, LETS MESS WITH THIS SHIT.

* So the next time he has lessons, you’re quietly reading beside him, and you casually place a hand on his thigh, which slowly moves up as the lesson goes on.

* He doesn’t notice at first, but when your hands brush dangerously close to where mini Makki is, he’s groaning.

* When the teacher calls Makki to answer a question, you grin.

* ITS YOUR TURN SUCKA

* You’re softly pressing against it when he unmutes himself, and he lets out a low, guttural groan, which the entire class hears.

* “Hanamaki, are you alright?”

* “Yes, Miss—“

* He GROANS again when you press a little harder.

* HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SUCK IT.

* Iwaizumi’s in this zoom call, and you know he KNOWS what’s going on, based on the disgusted look on his face.

* Hanamaki somehow manages to answer the question, and when he mutes himself, he’s shooting you a smile and telling you that you’re in trouble.

* YOU REALLY WERE RIFIFIFKRK

* In the end, you’re the one going insane.

* BC YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH MAKKI’s shit every day.

* Not that you don’t love him, but caring for this man who doesn’t know what a healthy sleeping schedule is making you MAD.

* But he’s a GOD in the kitchen, and he’s making you these exquisite meals with the little groceries you have that you ALWAYS forget about how you’re slowly spiraling into insanity whenever you take a bite into the food.

* HES THAT GOOD.

* He makes you forget about all your troubles with a nice massage on the couch while the both of you watch 90 day fiancé together! :)!!!

hope you like, anon!!!!! :-)

[coralstudiies]

sorry if this is rude im just curious '-' what made u choose triple sci and not another subject combi? what did u face aft that and what struggles did u meet? how did u overcome those struggles? did u ever regret ur combi? What did u like most abt it? if u cld go back in time and change it when u were applying for subject combi would u do so? Why or why not? Omg im so sorry this is super long im just inquisitive 😓😓😁 i love ur blog btw!

1. because i didnt wanna limit myself at sec sch level. like because honestly i knew i liked bio and chem more than phy but phy is like,,, u know what the adults say money making. plus i heard that upper sec phy not as hard ie the jump is smaller compared to chem and bio so i just take lor. anyways my strength is always science and english compared to other subjects so triple was the way to go :>

2. honestly the workload is ok. like everyone i struggled w chem at first but slowly i got the hang of it (how to answer) so i didn't face much difficulties in science. my amaths and emaths however is another case because they were damn 爛！爛到不行! ofc i was a busy student so i had to stay up late to do work and study on the go but other than that not much issues

3. for chem it was a matter of getting used to it so only time and practice cld help. for math i just sucked all the way to 2 weeks before Os when i woke up and grinded tys and practice papers. i just barely pass my amath major exams. as for studying at night if i got tired i'll eat fruits or drink smt cold or even just have some ice cubes(wtf right i know) and wash my face, play some nice music and jam out while finishing my work. sometimes it was demoralising la cos u see everyone sleeping and chilling and gg out but u have training then after training u need to mug like hell but its like DAMN i rly love my sports so i just told myself if its something i like then its worth working doubly hard for!!

4. No i never regretted my combi. ppl always say triple is hard. i took like 9 subs (incl ECL for o level during sec3) and i got 9 distinctions and i still managed to train, have fun and enjoy myself and learn a lot and rly challenge myself to step outta my comfort zone. if anything its not as scary as ppl say it is because if u plan ur time well (i didnt rly but still) its definitely manageable and pretty fun imo. for my SS+egeog, i struggled w SS cos of a shitty teacher and honestly i still dislike the subject la but learning geog was so much fun so it didnt hurt much. tbh i think ppl say 3sci is hard cos of pure bio but bio was my strength so it never rly mattered. also memorising isnt painful if u like the subj HAHAHA anyway if u listen in class and watch videos it sinks in pretty fast:>

5. i liked that if u ever got bored about one subj theres always smt else to study lor. like imagine u cant understand circuits, ok move on and do organic chem. tired of your acids and bases then go study DNA lor HAHAHA ppl say its a heavy workload but for students like me with short attention span, its good cus i can keep studying diff things without getting bored.

6. nah i wouldnt change. i think this is the right combi for me. cus ppl like me (ahem indecisive libras) take damn long to decide but when i decide i make sure i've made the best possible choice lor. no huge regrets la. amath was compulsory (bleh). hcl was painful but i stopped hating chinese cus i made a couple of cool friends from china, taiwan and hkg (esp the taiwanese were so supportive and willing to help me with my work and i could help all of them with their english HAHAHA) which made learning more fun (plus since we all played the same sport u can learn sporting terms in chinese HOW COOL HAHAHA) then trisci was def the best part of my combi cus i love science man. for my sch if u take trisci u have to take ss + elective humans and out of elit hist and geog i'd still take geog (altho i fared the worst for geog in lower sec) cus its my interest and i rly love it :> so yeah i wouldnt change anything!!!

okies thats all, dont worry about the length HAHA it was fun sharing all that. this reminds me i prolly need to set up an about me for this blog lol HAHAHAHA i initially didnt do that cos idw to be doxxed or smt but aiya forget it man. all the best in ur studies and 新年快樂!!!

[lilytcyip]

December 31st, 2019

1.3 tera v w/ rjin & ggao

1.4 cactus & la foret w/ jng

1.8 talked it out with jng ; tried to understand that if i were happy, what more could you ask for

1.11 cyns bday dinner

1.11 craft beer w/ aleung & lwong

1.13 arisu & standing egg with efeng & aleung ; drove on highway for the first time

1.18 west dineout w/ annie pkp

1.19 glass w/ fifi

2.10 first snow of the year

2.3 cny lunch at home with the fam - tong yuen & poon choi

2.4 mooseknuckles - grateful

2.5 lunar new year

2.16 hangiout with mamayip & sis: beta 5, fixing the parka, meetfresh, miku sushi dindin

2.17 mom leaving for 2 months, wandering earth with the yips

2.19 happy hour cactus w/ fifi

2.20 kokoro lunch & shopping w/ rjin

2.20 so hyang w/ veda & nwu

2.21 black been noodles & tonkatsu lunch & usagi matcha sweets w/ ewong

2.22 green leaf sushi & grounds for coffee w/ vtan

2.25 sushi mura w/ acao ; larry berg planes and kisses for the first time

3.13 mental health talk w/ nwu & tchiu + jamjar

3.15 virtuous pie & nanas green tea w/ rjin

3.16 wine night w/ claw, aleung & fsyal

3.17 tabom & stanely park w/ jerpilla

3.23 pool & rc shopping with jyang

4.3 studying with jyang on campus & langara bye

4.9 studying with jyang at my house

4.18 ramen danbo & official date 

4.20 so hyang & off the grid waffles w/ ayip

4.26 sci ning off w/ aleung, claw, fsyal, lwong & mcheung

4.27 clay llama terra pot class

4.29 so hyang budae jjigae & yifang w/ ewong

4.30 rc shopping & sushi lover with the yips 

5.1 maenam, kits beach & rain or shiine ice cream w/ rjin

5.2 our first little tiff & being called chubby by mlo

5.3 shopping w/ vchan, aleung & fsyal

5.7-5.11 LA trip

5.8 LACMA & melrose & century city field

5.9 warner bros tour

5.10 malibu

5.28-6.1 hokkaido, japan

5.29 a 2-floor hotel with own onsen

5.31 otaru food adventures

6.1 doraemon painting & royce airport

6.2 macau: got scammed by taxi & lost luggage

6.7-6.15 inner mongolia & beijing

6.18 first co op offer 

6.21 fire port party at fifis house

6.29 pottery painting w lwong, aleung, vchan, fsyal

7.5 brunch w/ rjin at jethro’s fine grub, baker & table

7.6 nwu’s birthday dindin at coast, hangout with aleung & nwu at nightingale

7.14 leavenworth cherries

7.17 brunch w/ rjin at OEB

7.19 nightmarket w/ jyang, mlaw, rjin

7.21 beach day w/ aleung, fsyal & lwong; hy’s with fam

7.24 chau veggies w/ acao

7.27 shiok & icy bar w/ ewong

8.3 first day of work at doctors office

8.4 escape room w/ vchan, fsyal & jyang; bowling & anh and chi

8.17 dindin w/ fsyal, aleung & tlim; double date walks at olympic village with ancas

8.18 - 8.19 kelowna

8.18 polar grove & penticton lazy river, mission hill

8.19 kayaking, quail’s gate

8.24 lit night at fifis house with the girls and boys

8.25 aleung’s bday harrison trip

8.27 work shopping & nuba w/ fsyal

8.28 sleepover w/ rjin

8.29 brunch w/ aleung, moii cafe chill with fsyal too

9.3 first day of co op work

9.7 grave of the fireflies & wildtale cuddles

9.14 eric chou meet & greet

9.19 amandarachlee neg comment and posted my encouragement on her story

10.5 maiko parfait & shopping w/ jyang, earls with the amigos

10.18 gmen & oncecake: melody, rillakuma, card & collage

10.24 dark table w/ rjin

11.7 moii after work 

12.15 baking custard souffle pancakes w/ ewong

12.18 office christmas party & bbt w/ slim

12.19 glow

12.21 fifi’s christmas party

12.22 christmas market w/ rjin: churros & chimney cake

12.23 psyc team secret santa & mahjong

12.25 christmas dindin at market by jean-georges

12.26 birthday dindin at zeferelli

12.27 ring & birthday dinner at brix and mortar w/ jyang

12.28 skated alone, worked out, baked & dindin at botanist

looking back at it now, i definitely went out a lot more compared to previous years LOL i had some struggles in january, and at multiple points in my life i blamed myself for being ungrateful, for seeking more when i already had so much in life compared to other people. my friends were there for me and i wouldnt have been able to live through it without them. then again, during reading break in february, i got myself into the same hot mess and i was sad about it for a week and i blamed myself for getting so attached so quickly. because of these experiences, my expectations were v low and i didnt really expect anything when i talked to jyang, what they say really is true, you get it the moment you stop seeking for it. it comes and find you (: the 3 most important that happened this year is burbur, co op job & me getting more comfortable around doggs; this is a big deal !! i actually like cuddling dogs and i feel less scared of them as long as i have some time to get used to them!! im proud of myself for making progress with my phobia! after i started my co op job, bc i didnt have a lot to do, i felt like i wasnt actively contributing to my workplace and that i was very useless. i still feel the same way now, but i think i am slowly getting used to it. thankfully, my coworkers are VERY nice and i enjoy working around them. while i did not get a different position for january, im still grateful that i got an extended placement. nonetheless, meeting with the different PIs and sumeet pointed me in the right direction of looking for nserc / volunteering opportunities when i do go back to school. AND ofc burbur! im grateful that we were able to be there for each other for the past 8 months, both the ups and downs and i am so so thankful that we’re understanding and patient with each other, as we help each other learn along the way and help each other become a better version of ourselves. this companionship is better than i have asked for and i always remind myself to focus on the important things rather than the minor inconveniences. this year, in terms of fitness goals, ive been doing really well before asia. but ever since i came back, it all went downhill and i gained back all the weight that i lost this year year LOL so in 2020, one of my biggest goal is to eat healthy again, and workout more consistently. getting a job in sept kinda interfered with my progress too, bc i was so tired after work, even when i wasnt doing anything and i stressed eat bc i felt terrible. a lot of diff factors made me feel super stressed, and the fact that i wasnt eating clean / exercising reguarly made me feel worse about the whole situation ): so in 2020, maintaining a healthy lifestyle will be one of my top priorities and gifting myself a healthy body is one of greatest things i can do for myself. this also contributed to the lack of journalling near the end of the year, it felt like bc i wasnt doing the things i was “supposed to do”, i just felt so bad whenever i couldnt tick off that particular habit whenever i fill in my trackers. but tonight, i watched this video and it talked about habits should be for awareness, not for self-hate or self-loathing. this is something that i need to keep in mind. ever since april really, the issue of leaving my house and meeting up with my friends have always stressed me in fear of dealing with passive aggressiveness with my mom lool everytime i get inviited to plans, i just get anxiety about having to tell her about it LOL and even when im out, having a msg/ call for her freaks me out in fear that she will get mad at me for being home late and etc and fifi really woke me up with her words, i should just care less LOL i need to stop caring so much about what she thinks, bc at the end of the day, this IS my life and if i never make any changes, i will never be able to grow and be independent. i think this pree much sums up all my events and emotions in 2019, the last year of the 2010s. in the next decade, a lot of things will happen as i will be in my 20s - 30s, where new opportunities will arise, and graduate uni, do my masters, find a job, maybe even marry and move out LOL the 2020s will definitely be an impt decade, but just for next year i want to:

1. understand that i am old enough to make choices, and in general, care less about what she thinks

2. at the same time, i want to appreciate and be grateful for what my mom, dad and annie have done for me; a lot of the times, i feel like i take them for granted just bc i know they will always be there for me and this is not how you should treat your biggest supporters

3. trust that everything will workout in the end, while you may not be able to envision what you career / life would be like when youre 30, you can definitely take small steps and move towards your goal

4. be mindful of what i eat and exercise regularly (4x hiit & cardio a week) ; treats & sweets in moderation; use those habit trackers for awareness, not for self-loathing / self-hate

5. create art regularly, read more and at least do 5 duolingos every week! 

every year, time just seems to go by faster and faster and i feel scared at times. as i type this, theres only 8 minutes left of this decade LOL so in 2020, continue to live in the moment, be present, cherish those that are around you, and have faith that everything will come together, one piece at a time. at the same time, always rmb that you can make small changes to be a better version of yourself, whenever & however you want and this is the 1 thing that other people can’t stop you from doing! 

[mystictrashpenguin]

Storytime

Based on my last blog, i promised to write my whole story about this pathetic high school crush life of mine:)

So this is how the story goes....

It was the start of Year 9 when i begin to like you. However, i shall start my story at when i was Year 8. During the huge year-end holidays, i started to get to know you ‘truly’ through one of my friend, A. Even though we were in the same class, I dare not speak to you. One reason was because i didnt dare to, because you were a guy, and i dislike spotlights, if i were to talk to a boy, it felt as if everyone was looking at me. The other reason was probably because i didnt have a good English, and i hate misunderstandings and also repeating the same thing twice just because i had a poor language communication system:( so i just decided not to. And so, since my friend, A, had a beau, who was also friends with you, i think that was when we begun to have interactions through texting.

Year 9, I still remember a few weeks before my 15th birthday. Because i had access to my other friend��s, S, Instagram account (ps. im sorry), i went to spoil a surprise that was meant for me. I saw how much the class planned to chip in, just to get me a gift. I felt awful. I couldn’t feel myself, because i knew how loved i was. And so, i called A and told her about this. I guess at that point A didnt know how to comfort me, so she decided to add you in. The way you comfort people wasnt what i was expecting but i guess it was a better side of you, compared to when youre in class, being a loud nerd and all. And so i guess that was when i begin to have my feelings for you. And when it was my birthday, i remember you came in the class, holding a box in your hand, saying that it was a delivery for me. I was so touched by the gift and the love the class decided to give. It was indeed memorable and i couldnt thank everyone enough. As the days went by, i started to catch strong feelings and it was so hard to sleep every night, weeping...crying... It was terrible. I remember the feeling of not being able to speak what was in my heart or in my head. And i remember the first day of exam. I could not do well because in my head, it was all you. Even the corner kid, JO, asked me if i was okay. But ofc, i kept my mouth zipped. After that, i begin tearing up again, and obviously the spotlight was on me. How great. 

After a few days, the rumor of you having a girlfriend was true. Knowing how disappointed i was, my heart shattered. And that was when i decided to give you up. I didnt want to be the spare tire that was always in the trunk. It was indeed hard to stop, but i knew it needed time. I had to use a lot of things to distract myself:(

And towards the end of the year, when you were still with your girlfriend, you decided to share how you liked before. Great. My name just had to be inside you TINY list. Fun fact, that was when i realized you liked me at the same time when i liked you.

At the end of the year, December. A group of us decided to show up in a mall. In the escape room, we were divided into two groups. I was in the same one as you. I remember i climbed up the wall (literally a wall, there were only bars which was at the top of the wall) to cheat and you were also there with me. I didnt know what i was thinking to be honest. But still, it was an embarrassment.

Year 10, i decided not to look at you or whatsoever, i still remember you saying that i was a closed book and did not want to share my feelings. And that was when i decided to take in your advice and unlock the doors. But as a few days passed, with my doors unlocked, my mouth begin sharpen itself. I didnt felt like me. So, closed doors it was. 

One day, after a busy schedule of meetings, i decided to join my friends and you in a game of PUBG, that time i showed my free self, i was happily enjoying. Although i was already super tired, i decided to brighten my mood up by presenting the annoying version of me. After the game, you decided to send me a text, saying that you enjoyed the night with the annoying version of me. At the same time, you told me that you broke up with your gf. I didnt want to be magic mirror, who knows every single thing. So i decided not to ask further and end the conversation with a ‘bye’. 

At August, we went back to school after a tiring season of online classes. And few weeks before school, I had a meet-up with A and T. At that meet-up A decided to tell me that actually you were still confused with your feelings. When we went back to school, i saw how uncomfortable you were. We were cold and quiet even though you sat in front of me. 

Year 11, i begun to think of you over and over again. And today, 11 May 2021, i decided to 100% give up on you. Thank you for being part of my life and thank you for tolerating me. And i think i will end this blog and this feeling by saying my first and last(for you), I like you, used to. 

-mystictrashpenguin:)

[ac-ars]

What if I want it all?

oh damn kill me, this day was super meme so i was distracted almost all the time (ofc i didnt take the prompt that literally lmao)

this one is for @sky-girls because im sure she will know why, i love you very much barbara

~this baby is continuation of day 4~

other ficweek fics

DAY 6: “You’re offering to give me a kiss if I buy your shitty fundraiser popcorn? Well, in that case…”

What if I want it all?

Matteo doesn’t feel really close to his uni especially since he graduated, but sometimes those not cool people he had many occasions to meet have nice ideas. Like fundraising during uni events or sport days. Now he attends them all as well, because, well, it means no classes and despite his position he likes no classes. So except those extra people who do everything to show off their pretty/ugly faces or get some contacts in uni to pass easily, there are also those who actually care about getting money for some reason.

After he graduated he remembers they were fundraising for some orphanage, the other time for the hospital. There was something about the closest kindergarten, but Matteo doesn’t really remember what. Today there is this sports day; he will see all those ambitious students running around and competing like he used to, before he got bored with that.

He is completely sure he’s gonna die of boredom, but fundraising people gonna have it worse; they’ve always been poor unfortunate souls almost sleeping by their tents and those booths looking more miserable than kids selling lemonade in the States. Matteo looks the alarm on his phone screen shutting the snooze for third time with a sigh and turns in the sheets. Lyra meows at him probably complaining about this devilish device that wakes her up again. Good she’s too lazy to actually move the phone on his bed until it falls down and the screen breaks (happened once or twice; he’s never been mad for long).

“Just go to sleep, cat,” he mumbles and she hits him with her tail, completely offended by the name Ambar has been using since day one. “Okay, I’m sorry. Don’t hit me, I love you.”

The only reply from her is satisfied meow and her head rubbing under his chin.

He is going to be super late at uni, but also he will be super late at home in the afternoon, so snuggles with his girl are worth being late. When it’s half past seven he gives up; he needs to wake up and the only thought in Matteo’s head is deep regret of promising the professor he would be there for sure.

It’s not his favorite thing to do. Not even top ten.

Then this sudden idea hits him. What if Luna is gonna be there too?

They are nothing though. They haven’t started texting, calling each other or even talking about something else than class stuff. He can say he’s been pretty disappointed with this, but she’s been very good at acting the most casual.

It’s not like Matteo Balsano isn’t able to keep his chill for a girl, but there is something in her he can’t forget. How warm she was in his arms, how her breath tickled his skin, how her forehead felt under his lips. He accepted that; it’s not like anything would happen between them, or at least not now. Matteo gets lost in those thought and the next place he finds himself is by the door with his jacket and car keys in his hand. Before leaving he yells to Lyra that he loves her much and closes the apartment.

As soon as he takes first step into the campus he wants to take step back and run to his car. There is at least this luck of his that no one will bump into him even by accident since by some magic Matteo is really known at his faculty. No one would like to have a problem with nim and he is not sure if it is because of the fact they remember him from earlier or they just know who he is at this point.

He needs to find the professor right now to show him that his ass appeared here just like he promised. Matteo hopes he can just talk to the guy and go to Gastón’s to chill. Or maybe he should invite Gastón over?

Plot twist: professor told Matteo to check all places and make sure all students are handling their shit correctly and smiled saying he's been doing great. Matteo almost cried in horror, but he needs to do that. It's just that he really doesn't feel like smiling to everyone and being nice; he just wants to sleep and not remember about two tons of grading on his desk.

He sighs going to dart competition booth checking if there's really no way some high school kid kills or at least stabs themselves and bless, because they would only throw the dart at the organizing student, but that doesn't matter that much. He has to eat this disgusting free cake baked by some anti masterchef, hoping he won't get food poisoning. Of course, Matteo tells them they did great job and those students smile so brightly at him he can't say otherwise.

He almost gets hit when some high schooler tries to throw the basketball to the basket, but it's working in some way so he just tells them to chill and not to hit the cake next to them.

When Balsano is almost done with the papers and he notices on the last page the dog shelter booth and he immediately feels bad for not even thinking they are there. He has a cat himself so that's super nice to know someone cares about puppies enough to get money for them.

Matteo hasn't expected the person who is there though.

At first Italian just crossed his arms watching the person who is sitting by the booth. She rests her arms on it and her head is laying on top with really neutral face. The most hilarious thing about seeing Luna Valente here is the fact she's wearing sunglasses in the shade.

“I see you are having fun.” Matteo chuckles softly shifting his position slightly. She doesn't answer, ignoring him completely and he isn't sure what he did wrong, but something hits his stupid head and his fingers reach for her sunglasses.

Matteo bursts out with loud laugh making her jump on her seat. She has been shamelessly napping.

“What?” she mumbles rubbing her eyes when she sees it's him. “Let me sleep, please.”

“From what I know you're fundraising right now, little lady, not sleeping.” He lowkey curses himself for using this nickname he used during the party, but she seems too confused enough by sudden waking up to notice.

“I've been sitting here since seven am, and I am super tired, please Matteo, just let me nap.” He sighs and goes from behind the booth to sit next to her on the other chair.

Luna doesn't move away and he jumps with relief inside. “Couldn't sleep at night?”

Brunette lets air out quickly. “Yes, you should know it. It's your fault,” she mumbles and he almost chokes.

“I don't know if I should take it as compliment or-” He pokes her on the ribs softly and she jumps glaring at him.

“It's not. You wanted the test to be tomorrow so I was studying.” Her pout is definitely too cute to not smile at it.

“Well, I'm sorry I want everyone to pass.” Matteo shrugs and she growls resting her forehead on the desk when he continues. “How long do you have to sit here?”

“Until three.” He barely hears her mumble, so he has to lean his head next to hers.

“You poor thing, are people at least coming over here?”

“No, they are drawn by this shitty free cake because it's free. They don't want my popcorn.”

“You have popcorn?” Matteo raises his eyebrows.

“Yeah and it sucks as hell too. Why did I even agree to this?”

He smiles nudging her slightly. “I would buy your popcorn.”

Luna grins back at him and her eyes soften before she coughs violently, startling him a little. “There’s no way I would let you buy the popcorn.” Her head shakes.

Matteo turns to her on the chair hitting her knee with his and leans his elbow on the table. “Why wouldn’t you?”

Brunette bites her lower lip and picks up this small board her hands were keeping down. He hasn’t noticed it before so it wakes up his curiosity super quickly. “Because of that, like hour ago the professor noticed there wasn’t much money here so he looked at me and asked if I liked kissing people.” She shrugs and Matteo still doesn’t get what happened with that.

He softly takes her hands moving them away and raises the board.

BUY POPCORN GET A KISS SUPPORT PUPPIES

Balsano laughs out loud leaning his head on Luna’s arm. She growls pushing him away but he presses his forehead to her shoulder blade and keeps giggling until he feels tears in corner of his eyes.

“I hate you.” He can hear her murmur next to his ear.

Italian ignores her comment, which is completely, surely a lie. “And how was it? Have you kissed someone?”

Blush tints her already red cheeks and he suddenly feels uncomfortable when he thinks about her kissing someone. She opens her mouth unsure. “Like three people, I think. Maybe four, but one was in the cheek because it was too much.”

Matteo hates it. He hates the idea of someone having her lips on theirs. Even if it was for a second, they still got farther than he has ever managed. What is one kiss, one quick peck just to get money for puppies, though, compared to having her in his arms by her idea for an hour? He guesses that it is enough to not burn entire popcorn she has and pull her away from there.

“Was it nice at least?” Leaves his mouth before he can stop himself. Why the fuck is he digging the topic?

“I guess? It’s for the dogs after all, and the one girl who bought double popcorn was hot.” She rambles uncontrollably and it makes him chuckle, but in his head he is throwing all of the damn popcorn into a black hole.

“As long as she was hot, I guess.” He just shrugs.

“You don’t seem to be into that.”

Pout appears on her face along with small cute frown when he doesn’t really answer. He just looks at the watch on his wrist and hums deep in thoughts. Luna nudges him with her elbow waking him up, but she gets another shrug from him.

Brunette says nothing really for few minutes before he casually reaches for her hand and starts playing with star ring on her finger. “Do you have to stay here only until the popcorn is all sold?”

She licks her lips like involuntarily and sighs. “Yeah, if it’s gone before three I’m free.”

“I can buy it all,” he says casually, as if he’s talking about the weather.

“What the fuck?” Luna almost falls off the chair and he has to catch her waist to keep her up. “How would you do that? And what’s with all this popcorn?”

“I’m seeing my best friend this afternoon, I’m sure he would love to get some free popcorn from me.”

Luna giggles. “If you do I will call you my hero.”

“But you know…” he starts leaning closer, not sure what the hell he is doing right now, and smirking a little. “I’m gonna get the popcorn, support the puppies… So what about the kiss?”

Blush on her face grows much much and she looks super pretty. He has no idea what he wants to achieve, because looking at her recent actions she doesn’t really seem to want to be close to him in any way.

Matteo shouldn’t want that. He really, really shouldn’t.

Yet she’s the primary star to him; he can’t even try to gravitate away from her brightness and warmth. He thought he didn’t need anything except this he had already had, but then Luna Valente happened embracing him with her smile, with her happiness. No matter where he appears she is there and he wants to follow her everywhere as well.

They shouldn’t, but they are gravitating towards each other despite all shit that’s standing on their way. And there’s much of this shit.

Her teeth find her lower lip taking all of his focus when she seems to be thinking about that very intensely. “Do you really want to get the kiss?”

“Only if you are willing to give me one.”

His smile must convince her. His eyes must convince her. Something she has inside her head must convince her because she nods softly and takes deep breath, not really knowing what to do. Matteo can notice it, she’s super easy to be guessed right now, and - to his surprise - she wants to kiss him as well.

She just doesn’t know how.

He pulls the curtain that’s hanging around the booth and pushes it to cover them from any sight before he presses his lips to hers softly. Luna gasps surprised and pulls away after a second, but it’s dark, it’s dark and she’s confused, breathing faster and she probably feels super warm - judging by her blush.

And yet she pulls him back; her mouth slow when her hand reaches for his lacing their fingers. Matteo smiles widely almost making the kiss impossible, but she giggles as well and it’s as awkward as beautiful.

Because the brightest star on the sky is binary.

Gastón was the happiest seeing amount of the popcorn just for him.

After cold shower he had to take to chill down all emotions Matteo gets to the bed with big grin on his face. He has no idea what’s gonna happen now, or when, or if it’s gonna happen at all, but he got to kiss Luna and nothing would fuck this day for him.

He falls on the pillow startling Lyra and covering his eyes with his forearm. There’s this moment of silence when he feels her stomping over his chest and teasing his mouth with her paw. Italian automatically kisses it like he does every single time she does it, earning a content meow from her.

Suddenly he sits up catching her with his hands and placing her on his lap. His fingers brush through her soft soft fur making her purr and himself smile.

“You know that I love you, right?”

Lyra looks at him and meows again probably saying that she loves him back. Or at least that’s what he would like to think she says.

“And I love you very much,” he adds watching her carefully. She hits his leg with her tail, getting probably impatient.

“I wanted to ask you, because many things depend on you-” He stops scratching her chin and taking deep breath. “What would you think if I liked another girl?”

[argaliaofficial]

i started typing this earlier but then had to go to work so now im just gonna finish it so i get it off my chest

back when i was with my first ex, meg, we went to this private christian school i prolly made a post about this on here before but its topical right now i didnt sleep at all and im tired enough to spill my fucking guts out some more 

so anyway we went to this private christian school and thats when it happened. ive honestly repressed a lot of my time there i was not doing great but what i do remember just makes me feel sick. like, meg aside, the school just sucked. 

for context the way it was set up was that we had “placement tests” to see where we were in subjects like math and english, and however we did made us get placed in PACEs according to our skill level. in theory this is fine i suppose, but the thing was that there were no alternatives to the PACEs. 

PACEs were part of the learning curriculum of our school which was ACE- Accelerated Christian Learning. they were basically little study pamphlets that went over instructions on how to learn certain subjects and whatnot, while also having a christian perspective on things. scripture verses were abundent in them, and they had like a continuous series of comics going in there about their character Ace Virtuson and friends. 

Along with the PACEs, the classrooms were set up like an “office” of sorts with cubicles that you sat in. For me honestly that was one of the many hells because it was so cramping and clinical and I just do not learn well in that sort of environment. so you’d sit quietly for like 8 hours a day with occassional breaks with nothing but your PACE pamphlets to work on. you couldnt speak to any body, and if you needed help, there was a flag system in place where you’d put a flag up and have to sit around and wait for a teacher to come assist you, and usually their assistance only lasted briefly because theres countless OTHER students to get to, and nepotism is a thing and if they dont like you or think of you as a problem kid, you’re less likely to get the aid you need.

i was one of those problem kids. 

early on, i could manage that set up when my work was easier, but when i hit “high school age” and got into more advance work i began to suffer horribly. it didnt help that at this time, i got with meg, but less about her right now and more about how this school system fucking failed me and others tbh 

i do not learn by reading information. at least, i dont retain it. i need to discuss with people, with my peers and professors. i need one on one sometimes, especially with math- my biggest struggle. but how the school was set up made that sort of learning almost impossible. your peers were all at different levels, so group discussion was rare. their were attempts, but they never lasted long, and the extent of the help basically surmounted to the teachers just reading what the PACEs already said and vaguely explaining more, and that blew. 

so, me, being a hands on group learner who has to talk and listen to even retain information and needs to be allowed to move around often instead of being cramped up, started to fall behind in my studies. badly. and of course, instead of the teachers trying to asses WHY it was you were falling behind, you got written up and had to have your parents sign a slip. you could get written up for a few things and these were always detentions of sorts. usually they were lunch but if you were bad enough you’d get an after school one. i accumulated these almost once a day and after a while i got tired of having my parents sign them EVERY SINGLE day and just forged their signatures. i got away with that like 75% of the time lol 

like they were just for the same shit ‘oh ur kid didnt do their homework blah blah ur kids out of dress code blah blah” and so i was just “whatever” because like... nothing seemed to change i was just being perpetually punished for being unable to keep up in my studies. my parents tried to get a math tutor for me but halfway thru i think freshman year she moved and that was that

i got so fucking sick of just being behind while my other peers seemed to be moving forward that i started bullshitting my work just to get thru. ofc that didnt do anything because i wasnt learning the work, and because i lied about my answers and cheated i got punished again. and i was just like “whatever” 

i cried all the time. parent teacher conferences were hell. i always cried. it felt like i couldnt convey to them why i was such a fuckup. like i wasnt making sense, or i was being overemotional. instead of trying to make changes they just talked about how i had to work harder. least i think. i’ll be honest i always just disassociated during those meetings before going into meltdown mode.

on top of that, i was in a “gay” relationship with a classmate, and lots of bad stuff happened. ive always had an overactive imagination. great for being a wannabe artist. not so great when youre already an easily manipulated undiagnosed autistic child. me, her, and my current gf actually had our own little world! thinking back on this now, for me at least it was escapism to try and just cope with how miserable i was at school 

i dont know how soon in the “relationship” it was before things got sexual. my concept of time during those years at foursquare is so scattered. according to posts ive seen on dA me and her were together or at least “friends” for 2 years? so actually i think my saying “freshman year in high school” is inaccurate and things got bad the tail end of middle school and continued until i was a sophomore before switching schools.

ANYWAY, so yeah, along with all this school nonsense, i was in a gay relationship, one that was abusive in many aspects. ofc at the time i didnt know that i was being abused! i just thought yknow her forcing herself into me sexually was kinda par the course and i was already kinda a sexually curious kid growing up so like.. i was looking for that i guess? it hurting cuz she went in dry is just to be expected, yadda yadda. pretty sure i cried? and i know for a fact that i still sleep in the room where she raped me like that and its sometimes just “yea i was literally right in that spot when i was raped lol”

and she would constantly want me to touch her sexually too, and when i said “no” and pulled my hand away that she had been trying to force down her pants because i wasnt personally ready to do that she’d always complain and make me feel bad cuz i wasnt comfortable touching her. “i always get you off but you never get me off!” 

and at the time i didnt just tell her to fuck off cuz i didnt know any better. i didnt know that it was ok for me to not be ready to do that. i thought i was a bad person for not being ready to pleasure my partner, even tho its not my fault if shes ok w/ pleasuring me, and im ok with being pleasured (even tho tbh it was hit or miss sometimes she just did it lol), but im not ready to touch her, i guess? and like i tried to communicate with her and im pretty sure i told her that if she didnt wanna jerk me off cuz i couldnt do it to her yet that was fine but whatever

on the fourth of july she started groping me out in public while we watched the fireworks and i remember trying to get her to stop cuz i wasnt comfy with doing this in public cuz a) this was years ago and homophobia was a lot more common especially in this boonies town and b) i dont like seeing other couples being handsy in public so i dont want to be handsy in public either

and i remember while shes groping my chest and im trying to get her to stop theres this group of older kids in front of us and they see. and they start snickering. they started snickering at the sight. and i was so mortified and wanted to die.

looking back those kids should get hit by a fucking bus for laughing at someone getting molested and being obviously uncomfortable with it but i guess its funny cuz “lesbians! haha look at that pervy lesbo touching that other lesbian!”

and thats the story of why every fourth of july i want to kill myself

things kept progressing, ofc. i remember one night, while we were camping, i finally caved and fingered her. i forced myself to think “yeah ok i can do this” and i just thought the crippling anxiety i felt was cuz i was nervous to be intimate with my girlfriend for the first time like this, but really i was probably scared she was gonna hurt me since by that point she had. she had made herself perfectly clear in her mannerisms and tone of voice that she was stronger and bigger than me and could hurt me. 

and a few occasions she did. one time she started choking me so badly that i honestly thought “oh my god, shes going to kill me here at school”. i still sometimes feel her nails digging into my throat, and i dont think ive ever been as terrified in my life as i was in that moment. i dont think she would have stopped had a teacher not intervened. 

there was only one time i ever hit her, and that was before school started, and i had finally lost my shit over how much she kept fucking with me. all i remember was i came to school angry at her. over what i dont remember. she was always toying with my emotions, and i think that it had built up over the time that i finally snapped walked into class before school started, walked over to where she and alyss were talking, and a slapped her across the face before i walked over to my desk

i dont think i got in trouble for that cuz no one snitched? idk i mightve, but i didnt care. i was angry at her, angry at the school, and suicidal. 

i remember one time during a break i was crying. a teacher from another class came up to me and asked what was wrong. i told her i wanted to die. she just looked at me all uncomfortable. i think she mightve said something before walking off?

nothing came of that. 

i was more worried that i would get in trouble for being in a gay relationship than as apposed to thinking that these teachers- people who are supposed to protect their students- would help me. i gave up on them even recognizing the signs of me being abused. i feel like they wouldnt have even taken it as seriously as we were both “girls”, and this was back before talk of how women can be abusive was more common place. abuse was still strictly seen as male on female violence. and to some people, gay violence was comedic. 

eventually, one night, it all came to light. at least, that she and i were sexually involved. that week was a blur. she was taken out of school. it was brushed under the rug. everyone trying to save face i guess and keep other kids from finding out, but somehow i always felt like they knew. they knew that she was taken out of school because of me. because we were gay

i tried to move on, but my studies never got better. i just grew more jaded. i never did any work. i mouthed off to the teachers, continued getting detentions and just plainly stopped caring. no one could get me to do anything. i would play hooky. 

and that was just.... my life. perpetual anger at a system that failed me spectacularly. to this day i still hate that place. i cant be there. i was groped and molested and it was treated like nothing

so yeah

thanks for listening to my ted talks

[66676677767577667]

no matter how many times i go to recover i seem to come back. im so tired. i wanna live a happy life with my boyfriend forever and save lives i dont want to ruin my health with this but i want to be pretty i want to be thin and dainty

i have not been this low of a weight since like august 2015. since right before sophomore yr of high school started. n now its sophomore year of college!! im finally under 120 . ofc i binged super bad last night so i didnt weigh myself today, bc it would probably tell me 123.

my journey:

began in 2015. sw: 144 in march, got triggered seeing my best friend/crush at the time lose weight from starving himself, not intentionally but bc he was afraid of vomiting (food aversion, basically). lw: 117 in july, stopped weighing after that. began marching band and was 132 in november when they weighed us, was rlly triggered. kept exercising throughout the year tho and stayed vegetarian for most of it. summer of 2016 i had a mini relapse, began at 128ish and lost to about 124 in 2 weeks, then stopped. binged all through junior year, had bad thoghts often but never stuck to my relapses. looked so fat in my senior photos. by the end of marching sxn senior yr i was my highest weight ever, 155. it was disgusting and none of my clothes from sophomore year fit anymore. i vowed to lose weight healthily after marching season. i went tothe gym regularly and tried to eat b/w 1200-1800 cal a day. i binged a lot but not as often. i still watched all the weightloss shows and browsed the weightloss tags but didnt let my restriction get too high. my fitness got a lot better and i was running regularly, and my clothes were beginnig to fit better in 2018. i was stuck at 140-138 for about a year, partially bc i was gaining muscle but also my diet was not super balanced. i went vegetarian at some point during this time. having a lot of “diet foods” wasnt satisfying me as much as eating more real foods. i got to college and went vegan hoping it would help and maybe that there not being a lot of vegan options meant i could eat a lot less. unfortunately there was a lot of vegan stuff but it was all super high carb. i became vitamin deficient and saw a dietician who told me to go back to eating eggs and dairy at the least (i also saw her bc my bf and i recognized that i was really starting to struggle w food again and it was scary). i cried eating an egg bc all nonvegan foods had become fear foods. tbh tho all that high carb made me fluffy as fuck. changing my carbs never helped my sleepiness and i figured i had adhd or something. part of my binging problem is that food was one of the few things that could keep me awake. winter break, i lost about 5 lbs i think? was hovering around 134ish. it was nice. and then i returned to school for the spring, and dont really remember what happened food wise until i went to the sleep dr finally and he gave me stimulants to keep me awake. i didnt tell him abt my history of ed, partially bc its a reason not to prescribe me the meds i desperately needed to stay awake in order to do well in school, but also bc my mom was in the room and she doesnt know. not only was i doing so much better in my classes but eating normal portions and not binging was so much easier, bc i didnt feel like i needed food to keep me awake all the time. at that dr visit i think i was 138. about a month later i was 134 or 132 i forgot. maybe even 130 or 129. at college the only scale i had was in the gym which im not sure was super accurate. i did notice i was finally starting to lose weight tho and it was so nice. at the end of the semester i did a research paper on eds and a well known yter with one and it triggered me a lot. this in addition to the stress and the help of the medication to suppress my appetite, i went into another full relapse and spent all my time looking at ed tags on tumblr. idk how i got through finals. i remember getting so excited to be at 127 and 124 and even 122. i looked better than ever, even tho i wasnt at my lw. i would skip meals all day and then go to the dining hall at night and binge on one huuge 1200-1500 cal meal, then go to bed. i got home and my dog died, so i stress ate a lot and also i wasnt walking everywhere anymore and the gym was a pain in the butt to drive to (and not free), so i stopped exercising as much. also being home all the time with all that food n nothing to do made avoiding eating so hard. i went up to 125-126ish. august i began a binge/restrict cycle trying to lose weight again. i was doing rlly well living in my own apt and eating normally and maintaining... now were here.

[alxxkim]

December 2

I’m currently listening to Overwhelming while eating candy corn Jin got me for my bday (so its been a month and yet) and I feel like I have a lot to say that I don’t have someone to tell to all in one sitting so here it goes. A few weeks ago I decided to stay at Biola for the spring but now I am having second thoughts. I am WAY happier at school away from my family/house and the thought of living at home 24/7 aka how summer was aka hell makes me actually want to kill myself. I really hope that there’s a chance Karina and I both go to Fullerton so we can have a place together.  It sounds so fantastical but also just imagining how amazing my life would be is just all I am looking forward to. I think that I am going to end up enrolling late and not get any classes I want because people have already signed up for classes and most are full lo l but yeah. I am suffering from writer’s block. I tried writing tonight and I actually started crying as I was singing but it just didn’t feel right. I really want to write songs that I can 100% sing-cry to and make it feel so right. I just haven’t found it yet.I wonder how Jon Bellion wrote these songs haha. His lyrics are just so fucking wholesome and relevant to so many aspects of my life. Listening to him tho makes me feel so fucking confused cause the first time I saw him, I was “happy” and brown haired and dating John and the last time I saw him in September I was black haired, single, and broken. I still am those three things. Work has taken over my life again.  I am scheduled Friday-Sunday for the next 2 weeks and as $$ as that made me think I was be, honestly it just doesn’t feel worth it right now. Granted, when I get paid, I will probably feel otherwise.  I’ve been telling myself and others that I am okay with things with John. I honestly can’t fucking tell what I am.  I obviously miss him. I am doing fine without him, I will keep doing fine without him, but I miss having that person. I guess it’s slowly transitioning to the point where you miss the feelings and not the actual person. But just typing that made me realize how false that is. I miss John a lot. He was so funny and caring and loved me so much. I honestly think I can now realize that he loved me just as much as I loved him. And I loved him so fucking much. Just being next to him made everything okay.  The night my mom found an empty cartridge in my room and messaged me about it asking and I thought I was done for, and all I did was just cry, John was just there and as terrified as I was, I was okay because of him.  I think its because its December and the holidays are coming and last winter was probably one of the best parts of my life so far. My 6 week winter break was full of shabu, Fiona, my new polaroid, and just freedom. I was so happy I had Sen Nick and Tyler. I was so happy I had my friends at home. Everything was just so nice. And I had the plan to go to slo with Faith before break ended, and it was just so nice. I miss that feeling of being so excited to see John again. As hard and fucking unfair the distance was being with him obviously made it worth it.  I wish I realized how unhappy John was.  But there’s nothing I could’ve done.  And I need to accept that so that I can stop hating myself for not being better.  Maybe I need to take the next semester off.  Maybe I just need to find new things I could enjoy. I don’t think I want to go to Disneyland next week with my family. My sister isn’t talking to me again. I feel like the family is broken again but its just with me. I’m slowly turning back into the person I was during the summer. There are so many people in my past that I want to rekindle things with and just fucking get a meal to catch up, but I can never do that. I don’t want to talk about John I don’t want to talk about how unhappy and depressed I am.  But I am so tired of pretending like everything is okay. I feel like deleting all social media again. Looking on insta after shifts is just shit because I just feel this urge to fucking post but i have nothing to post because I spent my night inside working. Last night was really fun though. I got off work at around 11 I think and came home and showered and was just going to be on my phone for hours till I was okay enough to sleep. I knew Shin wanted to fuck haha but I told him that I felt like shit so he called me and asked what was up and why I’m depressed.  He actually listened even though I was barely telling him everything because then he would probably think I’m insane if he doesn’t already but yeah he told me to just focus on things I love and that it really helps. It’s so admirable how much he loves working out and playing basketball. But yeah we talked for nearly an hour until he decided to get me and I came outside when he said he was here and as I walked out i noticed he was outside walking to me and he gave me a hug and we drove behind Target and sat there for maybe like 30 min just talking and listening to jbel and the script LOL HE SANG THIS ONE SONG SO FUCKING LOUD he said hes never sung that loudly in front of anyone before hahaha i wish i knew what song it was but i will cause he plays it daily. i just hate asking so im gonna have to snake a peek at his phone the next time it plays. my toes were rlly cold and so he started warming my right foot with his hands and blew air into them a lot haha it was so cute and he gave me a dank ass fucking foot massage holy shit. it hurt like a bitch but in the best way possible. my feet/ankles are always so fucked when i work. so it was especially dank. I also didn’t wear makeup and he said I look better without makeup haha i was like ooooooooooooooooooooook but rlly yeah i was happy he said that especially because I’ve been wearing makeup daily because I just hate myself without it. But that day I had a bare face and actually felt okay. He kissed me and he kept saying how he loves kissing me so much. Omg and we made out to jon b like im sorry but it was fucking amazing. ok we also fucked to him too HAHAHAHA  And then kevin told us to cruise outside cydni’s house cause him paul and esther were smoking so we went and as we pulled up, paul looked at us through his open window and we both laughed in the same explosive way HAHAHAHAH and they told us to shut the fuck up jk they just sushed us ahahahah omfg. it was just too gold. i really don’t want to ever smoke in front of shin again but yeah I couldn’t just say no to weed haha so we hit a piece which burned the shit out of my throat and I was pretty faded I guess and shin kept coughing cause we werent hotboxing the car but it was still potent and i felt bad :( and he was like IS SECONDHAND FADED A THING hahahaha and esther had her juul so i hit that and then we left the car to smoke and i smoked a stoog. oh yeah so immediately after we got out of the car to walk to their car in the beginning, we were just standing outside their car as they were sitting inside and shin like immediately took off his jacket (the warm flannel we got at pacsun whom he loves) and gave it to me even tho he was wearing a tshirt and shorts ugh. i took it off before smoking cause i didn’t want it to  smell so he put it back on and he was like “you can wear it once youre done smoking” haha. and he offered to give it back on the way back to his car but i said i was ok. then on the drive to my house i stuck my body out the window to vent out the smell LOL and it was cold as fuck but felt cool esp with shin’s crazy ass driving hahahahah and i was like i wish you had a sunroof and he was like “yeah thats my bad” and i was like NO BITCH IM NOT TRYING TO COMPLAIN ITS NOT UR BAD I MJSUT SAYING lol and shin has told me how much he hates smoking and the extent of it and how its so unattractive to kiss someone whos smoked so im like welp but as i was getting out of the car he was like yeah fuck u u smell i aint kissing you and i made a pout as i was getting out and he was like no wait and he kissed my cheek hehe. and before that he asked if i was feeling better and i said yes and thanked him and he said yeah of course anytime in a tone like ofc bitch. haha i love when he kisses my head T^T but yeah i came home around 4:40 or however long it took to get to my house and I was happy and hickey’d up and i was just so happy we ended up doing that. 

i slept right before 7am and woke up like 11 so yeah i barely slept which is probably why i felt so off today. but i just stayed in bed till my hair cut which was at 2 and kathy was so shocked to see i cut my bangs LOL going on and on about how i never wanted bangs and then i do it and i WISH I DID NOT TRIM THEM LAST WEEK CAUSE THEYRE SO SHORT NOW CAUSE THEY WERE SO UNEVEN AND I LOWKEY HATE MY HAIR AND I WISH I DIDNT GET IT CUT SHORT UGH I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE but im gonna work with it and we’ll see.  I wanna change my hair color again but idk what to change it to.  Then i went to emily’s and we picked up at unity and smoked and caught up and she was doing her interior design homework and i had to leave cause of work which sucked cause i just wanted to actually hang out but i covered shin’s shift today cause he spent all day studying so im glad i got to help him out and if it were anyone else’s shift i would’ve hated myself lol. but he didn’t call me until like 1 or something but i knew he would call eventually and he said he wanted to finish his work early so we could’ve hung out but he has way too much and so we just talked but i could barely talk cause my bitchass sister always fucking goes off about how inconsiderate i am so yeah lmao but yeah and i told him i got off work early to which he said he knew cause i got home around 11 and i ate and he calculated it and theres no way i couldve eaten after getting off at 10:30 and got home HAHAH like he cared enough to think about that.... and then i told him i have work tomorrow 11:30-5 and he said then maybe he’ll come bring me boba 

i dont expect him to but maybe he will im so fucking over work

i cant believe its already sunday tomorrow and i have to go back to school for chapel i think.  fucking kill me. i just want to have free time

[3inghao]

HI CRUSH ANON HERE AND I WANT TO START OFF BY SAYING TO ALL THE PEOPLE THAT FEEL EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN MY LOVE LIFE I LOVE YALL HAHHAHHA I DIDNT EXPECT FOR ANY OF THIS TO HAPPEN :'))))) at the same time tho i feel like things might have to be put on hold for a while i dont know !!!! ok sorry sorry ill explain so ,, ive figured out that im like really really into this boy. in a way thats probably not the best for me right now, esp bc ive got a lot of things to juggle right now (1/17)

but also bc ive been thinking and like ,, ok so this story might put things more into perspective. so its like monday and i get a text from him thats just like ‘hey what are the rest of your classes for today/do you have like 15 min or something to be in a shoot of mine before it gets dark’ and im like PANICKIN bc ofc hes asked some of us to be models for his photography hw before and its always super casual BUT this is the first time that IVE ever been asked specifically (2/17)

and so obviously i jump at this offer and im like ‘umm i dont have any more classes today so sure just lmk when and what to do :) also whats the shoot about?’ and hes like ‘ok cool we can meet at your room at like 5:15 and ill tell you about the shoot when we meet up :)’ and he wanted us to go to this reaaaaally pretty park at sunset and do the shoot around that time and i was like ‘ok do u want me to wear anything specific’ and he was like ‘nothing in particular :)’ (3/17)

and so i start getting ready and im nervous af bc it meant spending more time alone with him and i felt so unprepared for that LMAO but yeah so he comes up to our room and i open the door and my heart skips a fucking BEAT and i almost slam the door in his face but i force myself not to aha and so we go and hes like ‘ugh im so tired i want coffee lets get coffee’ and so we went into the starbucks around the corner but then i was like yo will we make it to the park in time (4/17)

and hes like ‘o shit yeah’ so we leave without getting coffee rip but yeah we go to the city park and oh my gskldgskd it is so fucking pretty its right before sunset so everything is golden and the sky is rainbow but you can already see the moon and holy one of the prettiest views i think i have EVER seen !!!!! and then he explains to me what the project is finally and hes like so its an experimental photo set thats supposed to represent all the things we left behind in modern society (5/17)  

and so for me he said he wanted me to pose in the city park at sunset sitting on a bench with my hands cupped like i was holding a heart (hes going to photoshop the heart in later when hes editing the pics) and then like leave it behind on the bench and look at the sunset behind me which is supposed to represent and i quote “leaving love behind in the pursuit of beauty” and i literally was like 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 the whole time LMAOOOOOOO (6/17)

but yeah so we did that in like 15 min but after we were done i legit didnt want to leave bc (i wanted to spend more time with him but also) IT WAS SO FUCKING PRETTY SKDHJDFH and ahhhh i like looked over at him and he looked sooo at peace just like looking out over the water and the sunset and the scenery was so beautiful i almost blurted out hi i think ur beautiful but i stopped myself in the nick of time thank god LOOOOOL (7/17)  

but he like made eye contact with me and i like held myself together but there was a moment where i felt like djdhskjdkd idk how to describe it i was kfskshdhdjdh idk it could be just my imagination but I FELT LIKE THERE WAS SOMETHING THERE AHHHHHHHH and i was so tempted to ask him about the hand holding on saturday but i didnt i held myself back again thank god lol and then all of a sudden he goes ‘hey do u want pics’ and im like wot (8/17)

and hes like ‘do u want some pics of urself? like we r already here so !! plus i want some photos to put on my photography insta’ and i was like sljkddjkd ok why the hell not so he directs me into different poses and stuff like that and after the sun sets we finish and then we r walking back bored af so we start wandering around the little shops nearby and then we finally get home and then our friend texts the group chat like ‘hey anyone want dinner now’ (9/17)

and we were already really close to a dining hall so the two of us went and got dinner and our friend just joined us later and then during dinner when it was just the two of us we started talking about me losing the bet of when our friends were gonna hook up and so i have to treat him to japanese bbq and we were talking about when and hes like ‘well theres nothing im gonna celebrate for a while except my best friend from home is coming bc her sisters getting married here” (10/17)

and i was like ‘omg thats great ??? congrats to her !!!! omg’ but idk this is where it gets kind of confusing bc idk we were talking about maybe going this weekend but his best friend was coming and he was planning on spending all his time with her but i think he said that we could go get japanese bbq with her too ?? and i think i said ok but i dont think we locked down any like specific date and time at all ??? this part is a lil confusing to me (11/17)

so anyways that happened and i havent really interacted with him after that whole thing like we still have a streak on snapchat lol but he will do this thing where he wont open or respond to my snapchats for like literal hours ,,, even though i know hes ON snapchat bc he will like watch my stories ??? like w o t ???? i dont think hes doing it on purpose if that makes sense ?? but its still annoying and borderline infuriating and sldkghsldkgh (12/17)

and also like ok ,, his best friend came like yesterday and i saw her on his snapchat story and h o l y g o d she is the most beautiful girl on all of fucking planet earth i shit u not like i actually !!!! screamed when i saw her shes so fucking gorgeous and on his story theres a bunch of snaps of the wedding etc and a pic of him and her in a photobooth and sldkgsldkghs holy ???? i dont know how to put this into words but they are p e r f e c t for each other (13/17)

like in every way possible they are literally best friends and shes an actual goddess and together they look sooooo aesthetically pleasing it is legitimately intimidating and ahhh sldkgldgkh so the thing is !!!!! i already have practically no self esteem left ,, and a dinner with like HER and THEM will probably d e s t r o y m e from the inside out i will literally just feel inferior in every single way possible and i have NO IDEA HOW TO EXPLAIN THIS UGH !!!!!! (14/17)  

but yeah that kinda just made me realize that i might need to take a couple steps back ??? from this entire thing and him in general ,, and also that before anything happens i really want to work on me first like obv x has got his shit together and theres that whole thing with his best friend and idk !!! i like have pledged to go to the gym way more and get my fucked up sleep schedule back to some resemblance of normal and f o c u s on my academics and skincare and eating more healthy !! (15/17)

like i wanna be a person that everyone can look at and be like yes !! u go girl shes got her shit together and yeah !!!! aha :’) and also i need to COOL IT with my feelings about x like as amazing as he is and as fun as it is to spend time with him and as much as i want to pursue everything about this relationship i dont think im in a place mentally and emotionally where i can handle that so !!!!!! for now im gonna (try to) just distance myself a lil (16/17)

and yeah !! if he asks to go out for japanese bbq tonight/tomorrow i think im just gonna be like ‘ahh i wish i could but im super swamped with work rn sorry :(((‘ (which is 100000% true) and just leave it at that *deep sigh* anyways thats where i am at this point thanks for tuning in yall aha :’) i just need to not be hurt in this relationship and distancing myself for now is the only way i know how to prevent that ,, and i probably wont be that successful but !!! heres to trying :) (17/17)

awwwwwwwww crush anon BUT THE SUNSET DATE (yes im calling it a date) does his best friend go to the same college as you guys?? bc if he’s single and she doesn’t live anywhere near him there probably really isn’t anything between them that you need to worry about. I def support the focusing on yourself bc the more confidence you have in yourself the less insecure you will be once you actually get into a relationship so go you!! my gf and i are actually starting to facetime each other and work out together too so all of us can struggle in that tryin to be healthier lyfe! i think in one of the other asks you mention more happened? but i also think that maybe a bbq date with him wouldn’t be bad? and i think you should try to have it with just him and no one else! idk fill me in on any new developments :0