mystictrashpenguin

[mystictrashpenguin]

This lil kid in me

Yes, tragedy have just presented itself to me. Everything i thought i had under control was apparently, not going accordingly as i thought. Even though nothing was planned out, and i have always been this free-flow-person. It seems like God does have a plan.

However, i dont like surprises anymore. 

Surprises will help you expect more. But, is it really okay to keep your expectations high? I deny.

Got an 'E' for English but 'A+' for Addmath. Obviously, typical Asian parents tend to focus more on the less impressive subject. Since young, I have always motivated myself. I have never understood and will not understand all the discipline advices i have gotten by my parents. "Sleep early, no talking to your friends, study alone." Was it really necessary to say all these? I honestly feel that i am capable enough to explore everything by my own now. 

I remember that were few times i compared my parents with my friends’ parents. Their parents were so gentle, caring, loving. i have always envy them. Especially when they get to travel to different countries, and i only travelled to two: Singapore, the nearest, and Taiwan. However, now i don’t really envy anymore, because of the pandemic that decided to sink in and the dream i decided to own: study overseas. I hope i can achieve this dream and succeed in it. Although im not sure where to go or what to study.

And another problem: Boys, boys, boys, boys. Im seventeen. Dont really wanna plan anything now. Although i would sometimes think about my previous crush. Still, I dont want to be the one approaching but i want to be the one being approached. Im really glad and grateful i have this one guy friend that i have recently got close too. He comforts me even when i know he doent mean it. Im still grateful. ‘A’ for ‘effort’. am I right?   Also, this anxious, conscious, nervous and any other word that ends with ‘-ous’, has been creeping into my soul lately. Whenever i finish talking in our platform, zoom, i tend to over think and get anxious. Wondering is that really me? I was definitely not like that when i was younger. Hmm...

Ok i should end now. My advice to you, dear readers, and to me: Care less. You can pick whichever meaning you prefer.  Thank you. Goodnight.  1.02A.M. 16/7/2021 -dangling

[mystictrashpenguin]

It is rather complicated when you thought your best friend is true. I now begin building up hatred feelings towards you. You find everyone and you speak to everyone. I thought too much. I have enough being involve with this hatred feeling so i am going to end up not keeping in touch i guess. I still hope we can witnessed each other’s growth. However, for now, this is it--- the end. 

I gave you my care, my blessings, my wishes, my prayers. Selfishness from you I did not want. Therefore, i hereby confirming the stage line i saw from a drama, ”giving someone something without asking or thinking of a reward is hard.” Now, this will stop because i do not want to give you more. 

You say in your every little status on your discord. However, when i return from meetings asking where you were fine, you didnt seem that you want to share. Therefore, why bother writing on your status when you dont even want to talk about it. You want everyone to be noted about your feelings but you dont want to share. 

“Statuses are like the little secrets you want to say but would actually say.”

[mystictrashpenguin]

Storytime

Based on my last blog, i promised to write my whole story about this pathetic high school crush life of mine:)

So this is how the story goes....

It was the start of Year 9 when i begin to like you. However, i shall start my story at when i was Year 8. During the huge year-end holidays, i started to get to know you ‘truly’ through one of my friend, A. Even though we were in the same class, I dare not speak to you. One reason was because i didnt dare to, because you were a guy, and i dislike spotlights, if i were to talk to a boy, it felt as if everyone was looking at me. The other reason was probably because i didnt have a good English, and i hate misunderstandings and also repeating the same thing twice just because i had a poor language communication system:( so i just decided not to. And so, since my friend, A, had a beau, who was also friends with you, i think that was when we begun to have interactions through texting.

Year 9, I still remember a few weeks before my 15th birthday. Because i had access to my other friend’s, S, Instagram account (ps. im sorry), i went to spoil a surprise that was meant for me. I saw how much the class planned to chip in, just to get me a gift. I felt awful. I couldn’t feel myself, because i knew how loved i was. And so, i called A and told her about this. I guess at that point A didnt know how to comfort me, so she decided to add you in. The way you comfort people wasnt what i was expecting but i guess it was a better side of you, compared to when youre in class, being a loud nerd and all. And so i guess that was when i begin to have my feelings for you. And when it was my birthday, i remember you came in the class, holding a box in your hand, saying that it was a delivery for me. I was so touched by the gift and the love the class decided to give. It was indeed memorable and i couldnt thank everyone enough. As the days went by, i started to catch strong feelings and it was so hard to sleep every night, weeping...crying... It was terrible. I remember the feeling of not being able to speak what was in my heart or in my head. And i remember the first day of exam. I could not do well because in my head, it was all you. Even the corner kid, JO, asked me if i was okay. But ofc, i kept my mouth zipped. After that, i begin tearing up again, and obviously the spotlight was on me. How great. 

After a few days, the rumor of you having a girlfriend was true. Knowing how disappointed i was, my heart shattered. And that was when i decided to give you up. I didnt want to be the spare tire that was always in the trunk. It was indeed hard to stop, but i knew it needed time. I had to use a lot of things to distract myself:(

And towards the end of the year, when you were still with your girlfriend, you decided to share how you liked before. Great. My name just had to be inside you TINY list. Fun fact, that was when i realized you liked me at the same time when i liked you.

At the end of the year, December. A group of us decided to show up in a mall. In the escape room, we were divided into two groups. I was in the same one as you. I remember i climbed up the wall (literally a wall, there were only bars which was at the top of the wall) to cheat and you were also there with me. I didnt know what i was thinking to be honest. But still, it was an embarrassment.

Year 10, i decided not to look at you or whatsoever, i still remember you saying that i was a closed book and did not want to share my feelings. And that was when i decided to take in your advice and unlock the doors. But as a few days passed, with my doors unlocked, my mouth begin sharpen itself. I didnt felt like me. So, closed doors it was. 

One day, after a busy schedule of meetings, i decided to join my friends and you in a game of PUBG, that time i showed my free self, i was happily enjoying. Although i was already super tired, i decided to brighten my mood up by presenting the annoying version of me. After the game, you decided to send me a text, saying that you enjoyed the night with the annoying version of me. At the same time, you told me that you broke up with your gf. I didnt want to be magic mirror, who knows every single thing. So i decided not to ask further and end the conversation with a ‘bye’. 

At August, we went back to school after a tiring season of online classes. And few weeks before school, I had a meet-up with A and T. At that meet-up A decided to tell me that actually you were still confused with your feelings. When we went back to school, i saw how uncomfortable you were. We were cold and quiet even though you sat in front of me. 

Year 11, i begun to think of you over and over again. And today, 11 May 2021, i decided to 100% give up on you. Thank you for being part of my life and thank you for tolerating me. And i think i will end this blog and this feeling by saying my first and last(for you), I like you, used to. 

-mystictrashpenguin:)

[mystictrashpenguin]

Intro

Hello there. I dealing with the most annoying yet kind of the easiest subject now, which is math. And obviously, i have to enlighten my mood with songs. The songs, or rather, the playlist i currently listening to is hotel deluna’s ost. It so soothing and i cannot disagree that this is one of the kdramas that has decent songs. Each bringing its own meaning and each bringing its own feeling. I am amazed. but now, i am notified that one of my friend has watch this drama. And each songs i listen to, would remind me of him. I honestly do admit i used to have a huge crush on you to one point that i started to dislike myself for allowing every single action to happen. So as Selena said, “i needed to lose you to love me”. Indeed, i have lost my feelings for you. But you expressing yourself has brought to me confusion and frustration. Therefore, as the sentence i have stated above has become true. I have lost my feelings for you. 

I will write everything about this crush story later. So this is it for now:)

[mystictrashpenguin]

HELLO

hi im back, i finally have the guts to deactivate my instagram account. You Have No Idea How Proud Am I. Yes my mama, i did it. It has been a weight on my shoulders and im finally burden free.

If youre wondering, i meant my spam account.

And im gonna type a little bit of my week’s highlight. Although it’s already Tuesday. **colon p**

WELP, i finally finish three seasons of Anne with an E and am now demanding for a season four. Sadly, it was cancelled. AWAE was definitely one of the best Tv shows that i have ever watched. Not only was the story line mind-blowing, the language, how they use advance English in almost every sentence spoken, it was magnificent. I cannot emphasize on how surprised i was, when i saw the ways they used English. For some of you, it may not be as surprising to you as it is to me. Welp. Being a Malaysian, or if i may, being me, I have at least three languages in my brain that is often used. English was difficult. Covering every stupid and simple mistake. OMG.

WOkaY. I guess this is all i will be updating.  comment if you watch Anne with an E and please please please, recommend more English TV shows to me, and i would gladly watch them :) 

Thanks, hope you doing fine.

PS You are beautiful, pretty, admirable. Yes, this includes everyone and i mean EVERYONE :))))

[mystictrashpenguin]

hI I’M nEw

this shall be a platform for me to ask random questions

im looking forward to meet everyone and hope that i’ll get some advices and chicken soup from you KINGS and QUEENS. I would love you very much.

IN HERE, is to update my life slash mood slash idek AHAHHA

THanKssss.

[mystictrashpenguin]

HELP ME

HOw DO GloW UP in a Week?