#of my life thus far like literally MOVING OUT OF HOME FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER THIS IS NEVER GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN

[hella1975]

ladybird was so real for the mum and daughter just violently hurling the most atrocious comments back and forth at each other like a nuclear game of hot potato and the dad just sitting there saying absolutely nothing like 😐👀

[thumpypuppy]

hey can you talk about I WON’T LET YOU GO HOME from ISAT and how you went about making it? It is so good. me and friends really like it. thank you in advance if so! the game is so good and your soundtrack has played a key role in making it literally life changing.

Lindar here!

Thank you SO MUCH for the kind words.

Firstly, I have to give credit to InsertDisc5 who gave incredible direction and has been to date one of the best people I've worked with.

So let's start from the beginning: We establish a specific instrumental tone with the pseudo-chiptune synth we've heard a lot, especially in the title theme. This was created using NI Massive, which was one of the most heavily used synths in the OST. We're doing kind of a basic heavy metal riff here, but making it chiptune-y.

Next we fade in for the first and only time in the soundtrack a SNES strings pad to fill out the chord structure and provide additional melodic content.

Then of course for our more intense moments we roll out Toontrack Superior Drummer 2 + Metal Foundry, featuring the amazing drumming styles of the one and only Sandra Baker. I think she went absolutely ham to contrast with how simple the first section is.

So next we hit our stride and establish what the piece is really saying. The drums simplify a bit to leave room for the melody, and then we hit a "drop" of sorts into the next section.

Now we're rocking to a reprise of the title theme in a more major tone, but it's feeling less hopeful and more like a longing attachment to memories of the past.

In the second half of the title theme we run a reprise of the death/loss theme as a counter-melody while also introducing a new little motif stab underneath. We hear it in the strings as sort of the response to a call that hasn't actually been made, and then it's repeated in the bass, and finally the whole band states it all at once as we move into the next section.

Again we're stating the title theme, but this time in a different mode with a gliding, reverby, monophonic lead that feels like it's floating. Each phrase keeps rising in intensity, desperately reaching for that memory.

Finally after all of that wildly changing energy and anxiety ramping up we hit a breakdown featuring probably some of the best orchestral composition I've managed thus far (not to toot my own horn). I was really shooting for "pained" as the sound of this section. Half-time feel drums where we're so incredibly out of energy, but no! The drums pick up into double-time as we desperately reach out for comfort!

I gotta say Sandra went absolutely wild with the blastbeat snare while still doing a half-time feel. Like it feels like there's so much tension even while we're winding down to the end of the piece, floating in a place where we keep moving towards hope but always resolving on the minor. We have a lot of movement here through different keys and modes that continually give us a feeling of moving forward while always returning to the feeling of loss.

Finally, for the album version, we cap the ending with a slow restatement of the beginning of the piece for piano and violin (I don't remember the specific piano I used here but it wasn't the Spitfire Labs muted piano for once, and the violin is from Spitfire's Sacconi Quartet).

As far as an in-depth musical analysis goes, I'd have to open the session again to get really specific with what I did on a theory level because it's been like a year or more since I wrote it, and my computer's primary hard drive died (luckily I have all my sessions on a different drive), so I'm spending the weekend reinstalling everything.

I think the crux of this piece in particular is that, while there is new melodic content that explains the emotional context of the scene, we still rely on the recontextualization of leitmotifs for added effect. I'm not sure if it makes me lazy or a genius, but it's something I leaned into heavily.

It's like…

Step 1: Someone is crying. Their friend tries to cheer them up. Play something kinda sad and a little bittersweet.

Step 2: Play that same melody in a different situation but slightly different to be totally appropriate while also calling back to the original event.

Step 3: Make it into a major-key power metal song because you're winning with the power of your friends caring about your feelings.

Humans are pattern-recognition machines. It works with motifs, it works with specific instrumentation, it works with pretty much anything. Make an aesthetic choice about your instrumentation, utilize it, and punch people in the feels.

As soon as the studio is back up and running I'll see if I can't add on to this with an actual theory analysis, and meanwhile I'm gearing up to start doing classes on mixing and sound design, so look out for that as well!

Thank you again for your ask!

[mhsdatgo]

do you like Aemond ?

Henlo anon <3

Depends which Aemond we're talking about 😭😭😭 Book!Aemond had me clutching my pearls like how can someone be so infuriatingly bad at the job he was nearly at his bro's throat for is so over me like I wanted to curbstomp him so bad. No you don't get it I was tweaking every time that bitch boy's name popped up.

Show!Aemond?? Much better. He's interesting and intriguing, there is so much to his character that despite being left unexplored can be filled in if you're creative enough. His dynamic with every character is worth analysing, he steals the spot in almost every scene he's in (if this was the showrunners' goal then I'd say they succeeded) he's one of the characters I'm the least disappointed in.

I DO feel like he's about to fall into the unnecessary shock value hole like many characters before him and it feels like a slap to the face to be honest 😭 I've got quite mixed feelings about shock value as a whole like there are some instances where I praise it but you'll never see me doing so with shock value in HOTD specifically. It is all linked to sexual traumas somehow and either don't make sense or look more like rage (and problematic fans) bait than shock value.

For example since we're talking about Aemond, we could talk about how he seems to have developed this morbid Oedipus complex (a child's unconscious attraction towards the mother) towards Alicent. Literally the only thing that's missing is the hostility towards the father who is cold in his grave by this point and he's not even worth bringing up. It (supposedly) manifests through Aemond's feeling of entitlement to Alicent's forgiveness, which he doesn't get and thus takes to calling her BY NAME and a fool. Apparently guilt is something Aemond feels only when he's sure Alicent is willing to forgive him, love him and cherish him no matter what he's done. This is a version of Aemond that is so out of touch with reality that he cannot for the life of him comprehend when he's gone too far. (or better, HE DOES, he's absolutely sure the answer to his "I messed up" will always be "I forgive you and I'll move on". When that doesn't happen and Alicent is indeed chilly because he indeed went too far, his guilt turns to bitterness.)

Do we even know what brought him to develop such a mentality?? Is it because, in his eyes, Alicent has always been the one to defend him from whoever? Because we as viewers know for a fact that is NOT TRUE. Like I'm sorry I'm saying this as an Alicent lover but I heard her say the following phrase with my own ears:

"You may cuff him about as you wish at home, but in the world, we must defend our own."

There are A LOT of implications here. The main one being that image is the most important thing to her and should something like Aegon becoming the ringleader of a pack that is SET on treating Aemond like shit come out, it would soil the family's image. Doesn't mean this cannot continue as long as it isn't known. One could argue that it's not like Alicent could know how much of a toll the bullying was taking on Aemond but the way the whole instance of him going to his mother was treated tells me it wasn't the first time, and that therefore, she pretty much knew.

Moreover, that's her child covered in dirt and ash crying about how he was humiliated before the whole Dragonpit, there are no subtleties, there is no way to be mistaken. But that's beyond the point.

What kind of sick fuck came up with this jealousy? Entitlement? How to call it? That Aemond feels towards Alicent and what good/efficient does it do to either of their characters. That's the question, and the answer is NONE THAT'S RIGHT. Doesn't make sense, and was added in because they just wanted more sick fuckery in the show. (because Dyana's rape and future arc isn't enough)

Moving on to the other greatest problem I have with Aemond's characterization: THE INFAMOUS BROTHEL SCENE. COMING UP ON YOUR SCREENS IN A FEW HOURS. ASKERS: NONE.

OOOOUFFFHHHHHHH I've got so many problems with this scene. First of all, what kind of coping mechanism is that? I'm fully convinced this scene is made for nothing else other than fanservice because the implications are nasty. He likes older women, that's fine, valid, relatable and all, but WHY make it the consequence of yet another sexual trauma?

If the streets are right the woman that is cradling him as he lies in her lap naked is the brothel madam that is seen in ep. 8 "The Green Council" (Michelle Bonnard)

Which may or may not be woman he was brought to by his brother at the age 13 to be sexually assaulted by. Look, having Aegon bring his 13 year old brother to engage in sex he's clearly not an enthusiastic party in was already a bad choice, it felt like another bad quality given to Aegon the showrunners didn't know what to do with. But their ADAMANCE on making some kind of subplot out of this because you added it, why the fuck would you forget it? Feels so forced and makes me feel the topic should've stayed that way, unexplored.

Now his relationship with Alys is going to feel like a trauma response too! And that's if they don't go with the "Alys bewitched Aemond and brought him to his death" storyline. (Honestly would be better at this point)

When Aemond and Madam first meet on screen (supposedly for the first time since that nightmare of a birthday) Aemond is clearly CLEARLY uneasy. So fucking uneasy. And it's in the script too:

[creds: @darksvster]

It's something neither her or him have forgotten, and clearly a weak point for Aemond (understandably so.) Yet apparently, in season 2, we'll see him in the arms of the same woman AGAIN! CUDDLED UP LIKE A BABY EVEN!!!

I'm projectile vomiting so hard the recoil throws me out the window and rolling on the road below. There are problems here. A LOT of problems. Who decided it would be good? WHO?

So basically yep. Aemond's characterization appeared solid up until this new season, it seems. There's much more to cover up and I'm ready to RANT about everything I will be seeing on screen but things are looking grim. I just hope I won't have to watch Aemond come back to the woman that traumatized him for more than five minutes at best.

Thanks for the ask anon <3

[lets-try-some-writing]

hiii so this is my frst request i've put in here- love ur writing btw :3

has OP ever been like. drugged?? in a bad way?? like not spiking a drink, more like for an intentional bad outcome

I am honored to be the first to receive your request dear anon! And thank you for loving my work! I am literally an angst writer over here, so OF COURSE MY BLORBO HAS SUFFERED.

═════════════════

As Orion Pax, there was only one notable incident where he was drugged. It was shortly after he joined up with Megatronus and began to quietly fund and assist the revolution in its efforts. He was not a highly public individual, known only as the companion of Megatronus to those who happened to frequent the pits. However quite evidently that was enough to prompt all sorts of political players to target him.

Ravage or Laserbeak often served as his guards when he was down in the pits working with Megatronus, but back in Iacon? Well, there he was largely undefended, and thus a far easier target. Usually Alpha Trion's influence was enough to ward off such potential danger when in Iacon since that is where his influence was greatest. However one instance of particular boldness appeared to disregard that as while Orion Pax was on his way home and found himself shot with a dart right to the neck cabling. He hurried to pull it out, but by that time his vision was already swimming and he could only stumble and try to run somewhere public to escape whatever the threat who jabbed him had planned.

Orion Pax was by no means weak, but he had no combat training whatsoever and his skill lay with his mind and knowledge. Thus while he managed to avoid capture for a while, it was impossible to escape. His frame was unable to keep moving as his body shook, his systems demanded a purge, and his fans whirled to life to try and combat the horrible heat that assaulted him. He ended up collapsing in his knees to desperately purge his tanks before his processors fogged and he could no longer even see properly. By the time his frame his the ground, he could only curl up and try to desperately get away. Unfortunately, one drugged archivist, no matter how imposing, was no match for an agent of an influential political player.

When Orion awoke he was within a warehouse in some far and unknown part of Cybertron. His processors were foggy, his frame was on fire, and his tanks churned in warning of an impending purge. His vocalizer was disabled and his limbs were tied up so that he couldn't even begin thinking of escape. He spent at least a cycle and a half tied up with his captor who continually pumped him full of whatever drug was originally used. Orion couldn't keep any fuel down, not that any was offered. All he could do was wheeze and shake to try and let off more heat as his systems fought against the drug within him. Time blurred and he was largely unaware of everything going on around him aside from the odd kicks he received from his captor whenever he tried to move.

Thinking was its own form of agony, and so while Orion did attempt to crawl away whenever his captor was preoccupied and reach out via commlink to Megatronus when possible, he never was able to get very far in either endeavor. His ability to call for aid was muffled by a distorter and his signal was disengaged. He was quite simply, fragged.

Thankfully around three cycles into his captivity, just when starvation was beginning to set in alongside severe side effects from prolonged drug use, salvation came. His captor was disarmed by some form of dart and the doors were broken down to reveal those Orion cherished. Jazz dropped from the rafters and hurriedly began dragging his captor away. Ratchet came skidding into the warehouse with his medical kit, swiftly coming to Orion's side to begin running scans and undoing his bindings. Then of course there was Megatronus who seemed downright vengeful seeing Orion's half dead state.

Orion couldn't so much as lift a digit as he weakly vented and watched the proceedings with hazy optics. However he still managed a smile as Ratchet removed his binding and returned him access to his vocalizer. Then when Megatronus carefully picked him up to carry him out, he managed to wheeze out a simple phrase.

"Thank you Megatronus"

He was rushed to the hospital and spent several deca-cycles there recovering from the drugs and lack of energon. It was not an easy recovery by any means. The drug used made his frame always run hot to the point of being scalding, therefore making it hard for him to think or process sensory data. He had to be kept in a totally silent room with an AC running over him at all times to minimize the effects. It also didn't help that he simply couldn't keep any energon down with how his tanks churned and his digits shook hard enough to make holding an energon cube a chore. He was exhausted at all times and found it a torture to try and focus on anything. However with dutiful care overseen by Ratchet himself, Orion Pax began to recover in good time.

His old friend was there to help him hold his energon cubes while he struggled to get a few sips in. Jazz made a show of each of his visits, always bringing something of interest to try and give Orion something to do while also being entertaining to bring some levity to the situation. Soundwave came by exactly one to leave Ravage behind to serve as Orion's guard and then promptly left. Ravage for his part was content to rest at the foot of Orion's berth and speak when he felt like it. There were a few pleasant conversations to be had with his body guard, especially during the dead of his recharge cycles when Orion would wake nauseous and unsettled. Alpha Trion visited three times, each to bring Orion datapads to read and to offer what little comfort he could. And then of course Megatronus made it his mission to come see him at least once a deca-cycle, always with new stories to tell to give Orion something to listen to while he recovered.

Unbeknownst to Orion Pax until quite a few vorns later, Megatronus pulled a few favors to absolutely destroy the political player responsible for Orion's mistreatment. The mech merely vanished from the public optic rather suddenly and was not seen again for any influential issue again. Orion was perfectly fine with that, but did give Megatronus a bit of a glare when he did end up finding out. His companion merely smiled and waved it off.

Orion Pax was never drugged again, not while he remained an archivist. As Optimus Prime he was subject to enough biological attacks to make his first interaction with drugs look like sparkling's play. However he never forgot that incident or the kindness shown by all his friends after his rescue.

[gothamstreetcat]

Hi everyone, I know everyone is going through some pretty severe times right now, but recently I’ve found myself in a rough predicament. A week ago I suffered a pretty severe fall, where I fell 20ft off an overpass. It was really dark, raining pretty hard, and there were no traffic lights where I was at. I could barley see in front of me and I didn’t have on my glasses because they were useless at the time. I was walking home.

Because of the fall I hurt my back and chest pretty bad and I wasn’t able to move myself much when I was first admitted. I also broke my heel which resulted in surgery. Between the EMT’s finding me, the ambulance ride to the hospital, and being admitted it was extremely disorienting, scary, and frustrating.

Due to the surgery I will be out of work for a minimum of three months but probably more. I am unable to put weight on my foot for those three months and even after that it will be very hard - if you’ve ever broken a bone before you know it’s no joke. And if you live in the US, you also know what a rip-off our healthcare system is. I had not even reached my own outrageous deductible before this occurred and I’m not even sure what my insurance is even going to cover after that. I will also have to pay for physical therapy and on top of everything, I just got a notice for my rent going above 1k - which is extremely outrageous where I live.

I am also being moved into a psychiatric facility under the false assumptions that a jumped off the overpass. Despite that there was no evidence before or after the incident that supports this assumption. I have tried time and time again to prove how unfair this is to me to no avail. While being in the hospital on suicide watch, they confiscated all my belongings (despite that I could barley move in the bed due to how much pain I was in) and have since lost my wallet, keys, shoes during this time.

I have some money saved up in an account and enough paid time off to late me a month but I know it’s not going to be enough to sustain me being out of work.

I have spent so much of my life doing for others. Helping them, making things for them and doing for them all because I care about them and like to make them happy. I don’t regret any of it - it is truly one of the few things that bring me joy in this world, but now I need to ask for some help.

I’ve been on this site for a long time making gifs. I also do lots of crafts, like modifying jackets, making buttons, and painting. I write fanfiction and have made some fan videos over on YouTube. I plan to do some jackets and painting to try and cultivate a source of income while I am not working, but I am worried it won’t be enough.

I am willing to do commissions for stories and videos if anyone in interested. (But please keep it literally within my capabilities, I know it’s so limited but I’d be willing to go to the depths of hell if someone would pay me for it). I am also open to gifset requests. And I would be open to selling some of my art on here.

I have also set up a ko-fi for small donations and here is a link to my PayPal.

I know everyone hates these kinds of posts and there are A LOT of people in A LOT worse situations than my own. But I would literally be so appreciative of any support anyone is willing to give.

If you have any questions, comments or concerns/want to know more about my fall - please feel free to ask me. Thank you all for listening and those who have been supportive thus far.

Here is some of the work I’ve done:

[sylphidine]

20 Questions For Fic Writers

I was tagged by both @gretchensinister and @insufferablearchanist and am thus compelled by their charm and glamour to surrender my secrets! [grin]

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

93 at last count. It will probably stay at that number until 31 March 2024, which is when ROTG Hope Week starts. [I get a lot of mileage out of fandom events that are prompt-based.] My goal between now and the month of March is to complete or add to the chapter count of at least three of the multiple-chapter longfics I've got in various states of progress.

2. What’s your total word count?

AO3 says it's 220,945. I don't know if that counts chapters saved in draft on several of my works, which act as notes files for me. So I'm going to underestimate by a lot and say my word count is more than 200K and will leave it at that.

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I'm most well-known for fics in the RISE OF THE GUARDIANS/GUARDIANS OF CHILDHOOD fandom and its subfandom Nightmare Dork University. in the last two years I've ventured into writing fics set in the milieu of DELTARUNE [the videogame by Toby Fox], but those fics are so far into the realm of AU country that I can't claim to "write for the DELTARUNE fandom".

4. Top 5 fics by kudos?

A CITIZEN OF THE UNIVERSE AND A GENTLEMAN TO BOOT, which is the first fanfic I posted on AO3 and is still in progress. It's set after the ROTG movie and involves plot threads from the GOC books, as well as featuring several characters from the Rankin/Bass holiday specials.

"Fleecy Shining Streaming Gleaming/Gimme A Mare With Hair", a giftfic based on a prompt from the ROTG Kinkmeme on Dreamwidth from years agone. Still in progress; my giftee is ***extremely*** patient. [sob]

[[ATTIC]] [[NEST]] [[HOME]], my first DELTARUNE fanfic, set in an AU created by @penbwl and featuring the Swatchton pairing.

"A Temptation Averted", set in my Six Guardians AU series, and apparently everybody's favourite of my ROTG Blackice stories, probably because it's so schmoopy.

CALL SIGNS. Ah, CALL SIGNS. The mammoth fic that has eaten most of my current brain capacity, to the point where I have dreams about it. [and plans for sequels] It was supposed to be so simple. A "what if" story where two DELTARUNE characters met in a human!AU and at a different point in their timelines than they did in-game. Then it suddenly roared to life as a whole sequence of events lifted from my own experiences, spread out over an ever-increasing number of protagonists, not to mention featuring cameos from NDU characters. I wrote it to be accessible to people who haven't played the game and had no familiarity with the characters, and I've been told I've succeeded. I expect it will move up in the kudos count the longer it runs... so far it's the highest word-count work I have ever written. EVER.

5. Do you respond to comments?

99.9999% of the time, yes. [see the answer to questions 8 and 11]. I love comments... short comments, long comments, comments that are nothing but emojis and keysmashes, comments that are well-thought-out analyses. As long as the comment is offered in good faith, I'll answer it.

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

If we're being strictly literal with the use of the word "ending", then it's a toss-up between "His Days Like Crazy Paving", "Exit", and "Making Fire".

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

So many of my stories are windows into my characters' "middles", rather than having narrative endings, and I tend to the fluph side of the writing scale. So here's a sampling of one-shots that conclude on a happy note... "Caterpillar", "Starmeadow", "Your First Memory Of All", "Bedtime Story", and "Centres Small And Still".

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I've never gotten out-and-out hate on fics. I *have* had someone react negatively when they wanted to use my comment space to plug fics they had written in fandoms I wasn't interested in and I said as much in reply.

9. Do you write smut?

On occasion. I *enjoy* smut... a lot... but I read more smut than I write. "The Joy Of First Flight" is probably my most explicit work to date, and even that is not terribly steamy.

10. Do you write crossovers?

Again, on occasion. CITIZEN ended up being a crossover about halfway in, surprising me rather completely. CALL SIGNS features cameos from other fanon characters, but isn't technically a crossover. AND FEAR AS MY COMPANION is the only work I've written with the initial intent of being a crossover between RISE OF THE GUARDIANS and DOCTOR WHO.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I'm aware of. I **have**, however, fallen victim to being fooled by AI bots writing what I thought were truly sincere and sweet comments, which I foolishly answered before realizing the truth. Still kicking myself for how gullible I was, but it was at a low point in my confidence as a writer and I was starved for reassurance.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Into a language other than English? Not that I've been informed about. However, someone did make a podfic of my drabble "Hope In A Storm", if that counts as "translation" rather than "transformation".

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I've collaboratively tossed ideas around with @ksclaw and @piratekingpitchblack that have made their way into character development and plotlines for more than a few Nightmare Dork University stories.

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

HOW CAN I CHOOOOOOOOOOOOSE?

The one that started it all, that punched me in the gut not even twenty minutes after I saw RISE OF THE GUARDIANS for the first time, was Blackice. I devoured then and continue to devour now every Blackice shipfic I can get my little paws on. From there, once I found the NDU subfandom, it was NDU StageFright all the way, although it's now running neck-and-neck with NDU Nightmare Galleon as far as fics I've written. And currently, I have a very active Tumblr tag labelled "i have fallen down the swatchton sinkhole don't even try to rescue me", if that gives any hints.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you will?

I am realllllllllllllllllllly hoping that I can get inspiration for "Sweater Weather" going again.

16. What are your writing strengths?

RESEARCH.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

Falling into the timesink that research leads to. [sob]

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language?

That hasn't come up in any of my fics so far, other than throwing gratuitous Italian into dialogue for my OC Mama Michelina.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

If you don't count the self-insert novelization of YELLOW SUBMARINE that I wrote when I was fourteen, then ROTG would be the first fandom I've written for.

20. Favorite fic you’ve ever written?

That's a toughie. The most ***personally satisfying*** fics I've written have been "Deal The Cards", which is a love letter to one of my favourite relatives, now deceased, and "Which Witch", one of the few times a story came pouring out of me without needing to be edited to shreds.

I am hesitant to tag people because when I've done so in other ask games, it has often backfired on me. I love all my mutuals and don't want anyone to feel left out. Therefore.....

WHOEVER READS THIS AND WANTS TO PLAY, CONSIDER YOURSELF TAGGED.

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

First of all, no worries lol. It's taken me literal months to respond to people sometimes, and not for any good reason so I'd say you're fine.

Anyways, with that out of the way let me just say I find that interesting. Kiri, to me, has always come off as someone who attaches herself to one place. In my experience, there's a difference between being able to adapt/connect anywhere you go and truly being a traveler at heart, and Kiri strikes me as the former. She yearns to dig deeper into her knowledge and connections regarding her home and thrives on the familiarity of the people, plants, and animals around her whereas I feel like Lo'ak needs to travel, needs to get out from under his father and brother's shadows. To just exist and be himself, find himself and his place without all of the history surrounding his birthplace. That's not to say I think Kiri doesn't like experiencing new things, I just see her as a very nostalgic and sentimental person who finds peace in the plants and animals and people she's known her whole life.

Ikr! I don't know why I haven't seen a single fic about it yet, but rest assured I have a doc opened rn (I feel like my wip list is just getting longer and longer dude). Little fun fact about me: I took horseback riding lessons for a good 5.5 years and so I'll be leaning heavily on those experiences for how Spider approaches his own riding experiences as a human (with obvious differences). There's something to be said for the feeling of a creature so much more powerful than yourself under you, having to be conscious of its every move, every action---the flick of its ears, the position of its head, etc.---- without being able to know for sure it's true thoughts or emotions but trusting it anyways that brings you closer to it in a way I can't explain, even with the ones you don't get along with. And I want that for Spider, I want him to embrace his humanity in this.

He doesn't end up in Awa'atlu at first for the ilu racing one, no. I've got a good idea what I want from this fic in the beginning, but what happens after he escapes is something I'm still pondering. I know for a fact I wouldn't want this to be a story where he stumbles upon Awa'atlu, though, if I end up writing it. I'm thinking maybe he ends up back at that one village and goes from there?

And I figured I'd tell you about another fic I'm working on as we speak because I'd love your thoughts: a world where Paz actually died back on Earth, but per a contract she signed giving away her memories (which she logged regularly) she was revived in an avatar body and put in the newest program. In this program, males and females are paired together to have children (for less than wholesome reasons). A big part of this is Paz being haunted by her experiences on Earth and not wanting to be a mother because of it, and she struggles to come to terms with it over the course of her pregnancy and the early days after Spider is born, along with being in this alien body that doesn't feel like hers. I think that by the time she's gotten pregnant with the 2nd child (they're going for a boy and girl per pairing) and is coming out of her numb fog, she's begun to truly think about the horrific future that awaits Spider and her unborn baby (spurred on by the threat of killing it if it's not a girl) and ends up plotting their escape and running away. Throughout the story thus far she's bonded with the other women in the program and comes to learn about motherhood and what it means to her, and when she escapes she takes the others with her and they make their own little family before eventually running into the Omaticaya and slowly becoming friendly. I'm playing around with timelines and stuff because I think it'd be interesting to compare her and Neytiri's and Grace's experiences with motherhood, which would be so interesting to write about (Grace doesn't die until later in this world, don't wanna give away the death I'm leaning towards though). I'm taking inspiration from the poetry book 40 Weeks and more, and I love the concept but am still working out the kinks. Thoughts? Still very much in the early phases.

Also, I saw you briefly mention my memory-loss idea and I'd like to say that that brought me literal physical pain. Why, you may ask? Well because my one and only doc of the draft I was merrily working on (around 10+ pages of gorgeous notes/early rough-draft work, which for me is astounding since I tend to just ball) was deleted??? And I don't know the fuck how???? 1000 emotional damage points.

And I'm so happy to hear you've taken inspiration from fmdttpt's world! Your idea sounds so fun!

~ CherryApollo

Haha, thank you, and I'm sorry I've done it again. I've been so busy with my new job that I am swamped all the time, lol. I'm bad at responding anyway but my job is making it even worse.

BUT ANYWAYS. I love your interpretations of the characters, I just love when people think of or experience characters differently but in a way that still fits to me. For Kiri, I've just always seen her feeling at home anywhere that Eywa is, and wanting to experience every part of her. Every way she can feel her or be expressed, explore different plants and animals and nature and study and be a part of it the way her mom would've wanted to. And I just think Lo'ak gets bored easily lol.

I looove the horse comparison, it's shocking no one has written this fic yet! You have a ton going but it's okay because I'm excited for all of them. Humans are experts at taming and riding shit, why can't he, especially something as intelligent as an ikran.

Hmm, okay, the village makes sense. They would be able to tell Tonowari and therefore the Sully's real fucking fast through, so it would be kinda similar to him finding Awa'atlu. You coullllld have him escape in the forest and find the Sully's missing? I've always wanted one of those fics.

That's a really interesting idea! I personally don't care much for Paz as a character, or stories about her, but that is a very cool idea and I'd definitely check it out to see where it goes.

NO NO YOUR MEMORY LOSS FIC IS ONE I'VE BEEN SO EXCITED ABOUT, THAT'S THE SADDEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD. Google doc man, I only use google docs.

And thank u for being chill with me getting inspired by/using it! I'm trying to catch up on all my asks today (answer but not post, I schedule those), so hopefully I'll be faster to answer you next time! I'm excited to hear how your works are going!

[aberooski]

I'm about to go to bed it's literally midnight rn but I would like to once again spread my "Alexis suffers from paranoia and separation anxiety for a while after Atticus returns" headcanon propaganda.

And she completely does, at least for the remainder of season 1 as far as what we see from her on screen. By season 2 he's been back long enough she's probably gotten better at handling it but still deals with it, just maybe not as strongly anymore.

But think about it. Atticus was her whole world, he taught her how to play Duel Monsters, he's literally the reason she's taken her life in the direction she has. They never tell us exactly how long he was missing but I've always been under the impression that he's been gone for a year. Which is a long time for a person to be missing. And all that time Alexis's biggest concern was finding her brother. That's her entire motivation in the first season, everything she does is to try and find some kind of clue or something that could help her find Atticus. Or if it's not the main reason, she's got that thought in her head and often remarks or has an inner monologs moment about how it's a possible outcome in situations that she might find something.

And she puts on a brave face but you know this situation has really affected her, and I hate to say it but there is no way she never once thought that he was dead or just gone forever with him being gone for so long. She's adamant about finding him but also she leaves roses at the abandoned dorm, and in the dub and we all know I'm an expert on the dub lol at least she always says the same thing when she does that: "be at peace, brother. Wherever you are." In my mind I've always seen it like she really does believe he's still out there alive somewhere and she'll be able to find him and bring him home, but there is a part of her that's still worried maybe he's really gone. And that's a lot of intense emotions to be juggling and carrying around all the time. She loves her brother more than anything and all she wants is to bring him home but you know she was worried and scared that she'd never see him again too.

And then he returns.

After all that time, all the fear and worrying and anxiety and tireless searching, Alexis has her brother back again. And thus now we see her grow to be very protective of him and reasonably so. Especially considering that when he returns, he's very unwell. Both from the duel with Jaden, and I assume also probably from being under Nightshroud's control for such an extended period of time. So he's stuck in the hospital recovering the majority of the rest of the arc. Atticus is both physically and mentally unwell after his return, spending most of the time unconscious or just kinda quietly staring out the window because he can't remember anything and the toll this has taken on him is exponential to say the least.

Also after his return, Alexis spends practically every second she can spare by his side. She's not letting him out of her sight ever again if and when she can help it, it's just not an option. No one is going to harm or take her big brother away from her again.

Smash cut to "The Seventh Shadow Rider" where Banner under the guise of Amnael starts to make his move. Alexis is walking outside of the obelisk dorm when she hears glass break in the dub (my beloved) they remove the audio cue for no reason so she's really just got a spidey sense bro aksksks and immediately just knows Atticus is in danger and runs up to his room to check on him only to discover the place is trashed and he's missing. So she runs after Amnael demanding that he return Atticus to her. I touch on this in my shadow rider arc rewrites should be under my "abby rewrites yugioh gx" tag if y'all wanna find that post but they really give him no reason to kidnap Atticus aside from luring Alexis out so he can duel her and take her key. In my version he has other reasons for taking Atticus apart from that which is 👍.

I'm tired, it's literally been like 45 minutes since I started this post so it's like quarter to 1 am rn, and lord knows if I've even remotely explained it well, but given all of the context clues and inferences that can be made about Alexis pre-Atticus return and what we see from her post-Atticus return I find it entirely possible that after he comes back, Alexis suffers from separation anxiety and maybe even a little bit of paranoia about his safety. And I write her with that in mind in my fics every time. She's very protective of Atty and she always needs to know where he is and if he's safe and won't trust him to anyone else, even Jaden, if he's in trouble. She also gets nervous if they're not together and she doesn't know where he is, I know I've got moments like that coming up in fics I'm working on right now.

Long story short, Alexis has separation anxiety with Atticus and it makes me upset and If I have to suffer the emotional damage so do the rest of you.

[storybookprincess]

20 questions for fic writers!!!!!!!!! tagged by @ilgaksu (yes, we HAVE been mutuals since the dawn of time & yes we HAVE diverged fandoms wildly and yes we DO deserve this as a treat!!!!!!)

1. How many fics do you have on AO3?

87………… dear god……

2. What’s your total AO3 word count?

377,923

dear god……….. take 2!!

3. What fandoms do you write for?

pretty exclusively animanga fandoms these days. hunter x hunter has been my home base for a while, but i dabble in other series too!!!

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

personally i don’t enjoy discussing stats (outside of word count) because i think it encourages comparison, even if unintentionally, and i used to struggle a lot with that. sort by kudos exists for the curious, of course, but i don’t want to go out of my way to emphasize stats

5. Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

oh gosh, i used to be RELIGIOUS about replying to every single comment i received, but that's since become a bit unmanageable with my current work & life schedule. i'd like to get back to replying at least a little bit, though!!

6. What is a fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

i'm a happy ending girl through & through so i think the closest i have to an angsty ending is this tiny lil 1k leopika oneshot i wrote for the greed island server!!!

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

what i'm getting from these questions so far is that i do not remember my own fics very well anymore & might want to go revisit them someday bc i am struggling to answer this one!!

that being said, i am a bit fond of this one from facts about stones, which was my big bang fic this year!!

“Let’s stay together.  For as long as you’ll have me.” “Forever, then,” Gon replies. Killua used to hate the thought of forever.  Life was something to be survived: minute to minute, second to second, breath to breath.  If his mind ever wandered further into the future than a few days, a sick, dizzy feeling would overtake him; the thought of this misery stretching on, gray and endless, was more than he could tolerate. But now, as Gon leaps over that very creek they’d played in so many times with a loud whoop, Killua finds that something has changed. “Longer,” he says. “Forever would be too short a time.” “Okay,” Gon agrees, a smile in his voice. “You and me. Forever, and then what comes after.”

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i was about to say that i've been fortunate enough never to get a hate comment BUT THEN i remembered how someone once wrote me a five paragraph essay (i'm not kidding) about how a character's behavior in a fic didn't make sense & was poorly written. god that was incredible

but on the whole, no, i'm quite quite lucky that i don't receive much negativity

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

not yet..............

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

i'm a very boring person & thus don't vibe particularly much with crossovers. the most i've done is like........ very vaguely fairy tale inspired aus & the like. i wish i were a more adventurous writer bc some of the stuff people come up with in crossovers is ridiculously creative

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

not a whole fic, but back in my bnha days, i had someone lift a scene literally beat for beat from a tddk fic of mine. i was a lot younger & less experienced in the fandom space back then, so i'm very glad, although perhaps a bit surprised, that i just closed the tab & moved on. life's too short to stress over that sort of thing

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

yes, one into russian & one into spanish on wattpad!!!!!! they both felt like such huge honors!!!!!!

13. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

i could pretend to give this some thought & come to a difficult decision, but it's killugon. it's far & away killugon. let's not kid ourselves here

14. What’s a wip you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

color in your cheeks

i think the idea has a ton of potential, but my execution of the first two chapters strikes me as rushed & impatient & a bit sloppy as a result. i think my only option is rewriting it from scratch so i can have a product i'm satisfied with

15. What are your writing strengths?

i pay a ton of attention to the flow of my prose & really endeavor for the sentences to have a lyrical quality. outside of syntax, i think i'm quite good at describing physical & emotional experiences extremely vividly

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

well well well, if it isn't my old nemesis, actually having a plot....... we meet again

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

i don't have enough fluency in my non-native languages to pull this off & i find it challenging as a reader, but i think just about any choice or device can work if it's serving a narrative purpose & doing so effectively

18. First fandom you wrote for?

the year: 2008

the platform: fanfiction.net

the fandom: rent

listen we all start somewhere & i had a BLAST writing those silly little musical theatre fics, even if both they & the source material don't hold up 15 years later

19. Favorite fic you’ve written?

i worked so hard on it that i just have to go with divine magnets

am i missing a question???????? is this really only 19????? i'm so confused!!!!!!!! anyway tagging @ladycrescentvenus @clood @carochinha @chubsthehamster and @anyone else who wants to do this just say i tagged you!!!!

[knickynoo]

While I was gathering the High School USA gifs, I couldn't help imagining scenarios where Marty, APK, and JJ are all interacting with each other. Idk if it would be a case of "identical strangers" or alternate timeline versions, but it would be fun. Especially with Marty and JJ! The many similarities and slight contrasts between them could make for some interesting stuff. In particular...

The fact that both of them don't exactly have happy home lives (at least not original timeline Marty). George and Lorraine, while physically present in Marty's life, aren't emotionally there and have their respective issues going on. Meanwhile, JJ's parents aren't physically or emotionally there. His character is alone in an empty house most of the time (I can't remember why--I think his parents travel a lot?), and they dont seem to really care much about him, so he's kind of raising himself without any real parental support system. [EDIT: I went back to check. JJ's father is always traveling, and JJ never knows when he's coming home. He hasn't seen his mother since he was 2 years old.]

They both have nerdy, science-loving best friends! Marty has Doc, obviously, and JJ has Otto, whose main storyline involves his quest to build this huge robot that mostly just ends up walking around and destroying things; it's great.

↑ Otto, in his very first scene meant to clearly convey, "Hey, this guy is a nerd." Look at all that sciencey stuff. He even has a framed picture of Albert Einstein!

Speaking of nerds, JJ is also one. Except, he's not the smart kind; he's the "outcast, class-clown" kind. JJ is just not considered cool by his peers, especially since his social circle mainly consists of other outcasts and "weirdos." Now, I don't think Marty is quite that ostracized by his own peers--he does dress cool, has a band, and skateboards--but I've never pictured Marty as being part of the in-crowd. His personality (sweet, sensitive, low self-esteem, etc) and the fact that his best friend is a widely disliked/rumored to be dangerous and crazy scientist probably puts Marty more on the fringes of most social groups rather than in any popular crowds. This is another thing they'd be able to relate to each other on.

Also! Perhaps my favorite thing would be just...sticking them in a room and watching them attempt to converse or attend to anything for longer than 5 seconds because. JJ is every bit as adhd as Marty is. Like. JJ is all over the place. He's late for school all the time like Marty is and basically lives in the principal's office because he's time-blind and scattered and always goofing off. One of my favorite scenes (and what spurred this whole concept) is where JJ has been sent to the office because he's in trouble again, and through the whole scene, JJ is just touching everything on the principal's desk as he talks. So as he keeps reaching for things, the principal keeps having to grab them back and move them to a place JJ can't get to until there's nothing left on the desk. And the whole scene is played like they do this every single time and the principal is so tired of it. [I think I'll gif this scene hmm]. Anyway! It got me thinking, "Wouldn't it be fun to stick these two in a situation together and watch them literally not be able to stay still or remain on a singular topic for more than 2 seconds."

Now, for a slight contrast: JJ loves Hawaiian shirts. Aside from the very last scene of the movie, where he wears a tuxedo, he's in Hawaiian shirts for the entire film. Not Marty's taste, clothing-wise, BUT! He does happen to have Doc, who is also a Hawaiian shirt aficionado. They can bond over that.

Additionally, a thing I find hilarious: the Crispin Glover Factor. I've neglected Alex P. Keaton in the scenario thus far, but this is a spot where I'd love to throw him into the mix since Crispin is in BTTF, Family Ties, and High School USA. And I just can't get over an imagined scene where, not only are JJ, Alex, and Marty weirded out by their own identical faces, but they realize they also all have this Other Person in their lives who shares the strange predicament. Like, maybe one of them has a picture or something and Marty's like, "Hey, that's my dad when he was younger" and Alex goes, "Um, no, that's my friend Doug," and JJ is all, "?? What? That's my buddy Archie." And it leaves them all so confused because, as far as they can tell, they don't have any other look-alikes that they share in their lives. It's just themselves and for some reason Crispin Glover. Weird.

So, yeah, thanks for coming to my rambling, everyone.

[the-algebra-thing]

just finished the house of hades and I liked it a whole lot. idk why I didn't expect to but I was so awed by the mark of athena that I think I was worried about how it was going to measure up, especially because I struggled so much with the first two in the heroes of olympus series. I thought the balance was really nice—I had a hard time with the first two because I knew how interesting the dynamic was going to be when we were eventually got all 7, which obviously slayed as they all hammered out their differences in the mark of athena. it is a fun narrative device to be able to just invent a quest that requires a specific few of your characters and send them out to have whatever relationship development you need with each other, and then have them assimilate that back into the group when they return; it was really sick to see them form a cohesive group like this by the end of the book. and then, when you take the core of the group away, the most experienced characters—a classic in this whole franchise thus far, moving the pieces around in fun new configurations—you get to watch it happen again.

in the house of hades, the little destination quests that move the main group away from and then back to the ship are also balanced out by a new and completely different setting: tartarus, where you get to see your two favorite characters, the most developed by far, experience new horrors even further beyond comprehension than they usually run into. their experience pushes the few boundaries that have even been set around the magic in this world, and it's mirrored upstairs in the ship, where hazel, then frank, then piper reach new heights in their respective abilities. this is that balance that struck me most about the book—the way percy and annabeth's journey mirrors the one above them. so much of the mark of athena was dominated by annabeth's themes and percy's daunting presence, and now they, in turn, follow everyone else's themes that are finally being properly developed now that we know enough about the new characters and their dynamics to really get into it.

jason, nico, and leo are one of my favorite things about the whole book—they share the last theme to crop up, one about home, and finding yours by listening to yourself. jason and nico travel the most obvious opposite paths in that sense, and it's interesting to watch them clash about it, but it's even more captivating to me to see how their relationship develops and most of all seems to bring about respect for one another, despite being headed in literal complete opposite directions on the thematic continuum. while we know percy hopes to settle down in new rome with annabeth once this is all done, trading the freedom that's brought him so much suffering for safety and security, jason realizes that he feels more at home at camp half-blood, where he is free of crushing rules and responsibility, than he ever did at camp jupiter. in fact, he decisively lets go of everything the romans put on him and decides for sure over the course of the house of hades that that's where he wants to go. nico is moving the other direction—the more he goes through, the more tired he gets of all of this, and the more he wants to disappear. we don't get his narration in this book so we only see him through everyone else's eyes, but the way house of hades develops his relationship with jason and to percy sets him up really well to narrate in the blood of olympus.

leo is, as always, in a league of his own—he is one of my favorites, and he finally gets some time alone in the spotlight in book 4. percy is just about as relevant to leo's story here as he is to jason's, and while the duality he has with jason isn't present, that's really the point. basically everyone catches an inferiority complex when you put them up next to percy jackson, and since leo already had that covered previously with his whole ass life and with jason, it's hit him extra hard. when he becomes attached to someone who breaks the usual system that he operates within—and whose system he breaks in return—he gains new perspective: if he had been a regular heroey hero like percy jackson or jason grace, this would've gone the same for calypso as it always does, but he is not. he is the mistake that breaks her cycle, a cycle that he realizes percy jackson has contributed to in the past. this new purpose, untethered from the group that makes him feel so out of place, and discarded by "real" heroes throughout history, helps him move past his doubt. in turn, percy jackson is in hell grappling with his own shortcomings. being a powerful hero doesn't safeguard you from passive cruelty; in fact, it makes it very easy to stumble into. he encounters the arai, who curse annabeth with calypso's bitter wish, and remembers he hasn't checked on the status of his promise to free her at all. he is guided through the pit by bob, whose memory he erased, and whom he then left to hades' care and never looked back. this tension and the moral quandary that evolves out of it is a main point on his and annabeth's journey. while leo is inspired to succeed where percy carelessly abandoned ship, percy realizes for the first time how many ships he's abandoned. I can't remember if it's quite lined up in the timeline, but it struck me as a fun way to flip some more stuff on its head.

[peaky-shelby]

OKAY SO I’VE BEEN MIA BC I JUST FINISHED GRAD SCHOOL AND I DIDN’T HAVE TIME TO READ THE LAST SEVERAL CHAPTERS. I’M BACK AND HOLY SHIIIIIIIIT BRO. 

Okay I’m only going to go into ch 14 for all our sakes lmao. Having Neymar come with Ky to pick Taylor up from the airport is everything that healed my little heart. I know I’ve said it before, but her relationship with Ney is just the most wholesome and I love it. “Man, just kiss already. You can cut the tension with a knife.” She laughed, embarrassed at herself and leaned on Kylian’s shoulder, hiding herself. Like this encapsulates everything I love about this trio. The safety they both feel in being open in front of Ney is just **chefs kiss** to me. Surprising her with Leo, Ramos, and Kimpembe has me squealing like a child, but the real star of the show is Taylor’s reunion with Luna. My god I love this kitty. 

The conversation between her and Verratti was perfectly awkward. Like we know he feels bad about how everything went down and like…he absolutely should and I love that Taylor made him squirm a bit. It’s exactly why I love Taylor as a character-her stubbornness and intensity is both her gift and downfall, but god when she uses it for her benefit it just makes me so happy. 

“What about short term?” he mumbled to her lips, giving it a light bite.“You” she said in a quick breath

OKAY RIP ME WOW. 

I’m conflicted about Galtier’s offer with the youth league. Because on one hand, I love that it would allow her to stay coaching in a sense, be close to Kylian and the rest of the boys, but I also remember how much she hated the whole system of how players are treated. “You can hep us build the foundations” like homie that’s not how this works….but okay. TYPICAL KY GETTING IN HIS HEAD THAT SHE DOESN’T CARE ABOUT HIM. CHRIST ON A STICK KYLIAN GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS. Their argument in the car is easily my favorite bit of writing thus far. It’s so fucking hilarious and on brand for the two of them to confess these big emotions while arguing like this and all while Taylors driving for the first time here lmao. 

“I did not make a pause! My lips are still moving—you cut me off—and for you information it’s the kind of logic that I can find other teams like psg, psg is replaceable—you are not!” she stopped the car abruptly in front of a red light, Kylian moving a little forward. Silence. Just the car sounds filling the emptiness. He looked at her in awe, he wanted to kiss her right there and then.

Like I’m sorry WHAT!!! OW MY HEART I LOVE IT. “psg is replaceable-you are not!” That just causes me goosebumps because it really shows the depth of her feelings. 

They’re finally happy. Like finally. I’m glad she took the job, but I worry that her reservations from the past assistant coach job will resurface and she’ll be unhappy again. ugh. 

Him referring to her has his girlfriend for the first time…oof. She’s better than me because I’m pretty sure my brain would short circuit and an Error 404 message would just pop up lmao. Like they were building new routines together that weren’t involving only their bodies but their hearts too. Domestic fluff like this shit is what I liiiiiiiive for. 

(K about to get sentimental and shit for a sec) Kylian speaking to the medics about her condition…this hit home. As someone who lives with a chronic illness that affects literally every aspect of how I’m supposed to live my life I really connect with Taylor in this capacity. It’s so hard to explain a version of life that is so drastically different than what is considered “normal” to others. I’m sure Kylian is wildly frustrated by her lack of sharing, but when you historically have to be the only one you yourself can rely on for shit, it’s hard to share that burden onto someone else…especially if you love them because you never want to give your shit to someone else. But that’s what she does. That quick little peck and “good to know you want to share it” from Kylian may have seem like such a throw away moment, but as someone who’s lived Taylors experience with this, it means everything. (K done with gross feelings now MOVING ON)

Of course I knew you were going to write Ney getting hurt…but god fucking dammit it hurts. Ney really feels like her family. Her brother. And hearing both Ky and Ney say “I’m tired” in the context they are saying it, I just know it’s breaking her heart. It’s back to the reason she hated the higher ups in the coaching gig again. No respect for the players. But I fear this will  just add fuel to her flame hatred of how these players are being treated. 

“He’s gonna need you.” “I know.” Neymessi going strong. 

Ooooooooooooh apartment conversations happening….I was wondering if I missed the memo of them officially living together but here we go lol. 

AGH HER GRIPE WITH COACHING STAFF COMES UP AGAIN. Taylor thank god you’re telling him the legit ruth and not sugar coating shit….where’s Taylor in real life because homeboy needs to hear this shit. AND SHE’S DONE WITH PSG. I FUCKING KNEW IT. DID I NOT CALL THIS. OH GOD BUT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN FOR THEM?! OH NOOOOO. 

Awwww the key. The keeeeyyyyy. 

The conversation between Ky and Leo is perfect. Truly no notes. We love Uncle Leo in this house. “That part had it’s pleasure, but you can break records anywhere Kylian.” He shrugged, scratching the back of his head “it’s who you break them with that makes it special.”  I feel like this is then counterintuitive to the dilemma…idk yet I haven’t fully formed that thought yet. 

LILY IS THERE. OH MY GOD TAYLOR AND BETH. AHHHH. I love Ky and lily’s dynamic its so stinking cute. I can only imagine how that looked to the others though hahaha. Like some random little girl none of them have ever seen comes crashing into Kylian and he’s like so chill about it. I’m sure they thought he’s like lost his head or something hahaha. Oh interesting dynamic with Ethan and their dad. I’m intimidated by him. Did not expect him to extend that invitation to Taylor and her family…is this just me being suspicious? I’m not fully trusting it yet…

….british phone number….her leaving the youth league job….CHELSEA?! 😳

Okay that’s what I’ve got. God I’ve missed reading this fic and I’ve loved catching up with the past few chapters. Still the best fic I’ve ever read, hand to god. Mkay thats all ILYSM 😘

AAAAAAH I MISSED YOUUUUU

When readers disappear i get so worried they've given up 😭😭😭 I'm so happy you're still here!! YOUR NOTES ARE THE BEST AND YOU ALWAYS TAKE SO MUVH OF YOUR ENERGY IT MAKES ME MELT😭😭😭😭

I hope the final chapter will leave you satisfied 🥺

[perihthiscasual]

Did the adulting today & found out I made a little over $2,000 in 2022... it's hardly a scratch on the surface, when compared.

I knew getting into it would be tough - I have a luxury that very, very few do, & that's the ability to put my full effort into things like this knowing that the outcome is very possible to be... just that. I don't have to worry about the bills not being paid, or the roof over my head being removed. Some grocery trips are slim & that's okay.

But I am very grateful & well-aware of just how lucky & fortunate I am in this kind of situation.

But it also takes a huge weight on me to know that... it's literately that small. It's hardly a pinch. & it's not fair for my partner in retrospect.

He's never bothered by it. He's nothing but unrelenting support & hype when it comes to doing what I do & what I love. But the overwhelming feeling of being a burden to his life style - an anchor down from other opportunities or something of that nature - he swears it's never the case but that doesn't stop the guilt or understanding that, he does, in fact, have an option to live a more comfortable life.

These thoughts tend to get the better of me somedays - especially when numbers are involved (buying our home was a nightmare for me, & taxes every year - even prior content creation are something that send a hollow hold on my chest. I've never succeeded in finding any full-time opportunities & the part-times are always 20 or less hours - or just beneath 40 to keep me from full-time payroll that I just break & leave). We've never had to owe anything minus one year when I found out my employer did not tax me for the entire first year I worked for them - a nasty incident, but, aside from that - we always get barely a second paycheck in turn for our yearly refund.

But shitty US tax law & returns aside...

I thought I had made a jump between 2021 & 2022 in streaming. I genuinely felt like I made a noticeable difference in my presentation, my schedule, my output. But the numbers show otherwise that I'm still not.. quite there. Hardly moved, really.

& it makes me fearful for 2023.

With the rebrand finally done, it's a weight lifted that I can move forward comfortably & confidently without the Bungie sticker stuck to my foot. But lately even my Tiktoks have been a shot in the dark - is it the content? the hours its posting? wrong tags? Am I still messing up to such a degree that I've stunted my own growth?

It's hard to tell. I've been digging at my analytics on all of my accounts - & I can't find where the decline starts. What is excused primarily as RNG can only be so much - there has to be SOMETHING I can do to change the pace & find traction.

But I really don't want this to be a third year in a row of maximum effort, minimum reward. Nor do I want to devalue my content creation in any way that some may view it as not worthwhile. I would never want to put out any less for those who've stuck with me thus far & those who haven't even found me yet. As someone who wants to pursue this - I want to be worth your time.

I was recommended an application for a job over the summer.

It would mean a change in stream-times, if it somehow miraculously succeeds; but I'm not holding myself to it. Yet if it does.. somehow. Monetarily, it would be a noticeable change. But I worry it would cause my content creation to fall flat. Gods, I really, really don't want it to fall flat after dedicating a sole two years.

But I don't want to play the risk that isn't trying to maintain a reliable income VS continuing my creation pursuit. At the very, very least - I owe it to Kashil to try.

Pardon my nightly thoughts. I had to get them out somewhere.

[project1939]

200 Films of 1952

Film number 179: Return of the Texan

Release date: Feb 13th, 1952 

Studio: 20th Century Fox 

Genre: drama/western

Director: Delmer Daves 

Producer: Frank P. Rosenberg 

Actors: Dale Robertson, Joanne Dru, Walter Brennan 

Plot Summary: After Sam’s wife dies, he and his two sons move back to their old rundown family farm. Sam struggles to earn a living and deal with the grief from the loss of his wife. He finds help from his stubborn grandfather and a flirtatious woman in town. 

My Rating (out of five stars): *** 

This was just a nice simple family drama without too much melodrama. It’s more colorful and character driven than plot heavy and schmaltzy. The story could have easily become maudlin, so I appreciated the relatively restrained tone of it all.  (major spoilers!)

The Good: 

Dale Robertson as Sam. I’ve found him appealing in everything I’ve seen him in thus far (Outcasts of Poker Flat, Lydia Bailey, and O. Henry’s Full House), and I liked him here. He played Sam effectively as an outwardly stoic guy with clear pain and sensitively under the surface. 

Joanne Dru's Ann was a shocking character at times. She was a kind woman who also openly and shamelessly juggled a lot of men, flirting intensely with anyone she wanted to. The flirting could even be sexually suggestive. In most Classical Hollywood films, she easily could have been judged as a “bad girl” or a slut, but she wasn’t here. It was very interesting. 

I got quite invested in the characters- I really cared about Sam and his kids. 

The screenplay and the overall tone of the movie was handled simply and without excessive sentiment. 

I liked the fact that this was a film about grief; about dealing with a painful loss and trying to find a way through it. To have that as a central topic for a film was not very common in this era. 

The opening music was beautiful, and I enjoyed most of the score. 

The Bad: 

Grandpa! I love Walter Brennan, but I hated the character. Why the hell he just kept going to hunt on Rod’s land, knowing it could jeopardize his son’s livelihood and home... I was literally yelling at my screen, telling him to knock it the fu-k off. The film didn’t seem to totally judge him for it either, some of it seemed to be joking about what a colorful guy he was. That annoyed me. 

The “No Hunting” sign sent off alarm bells the very first time I saw it. I even wrote in my notes “foreshadowing??” It was pretty obvious. 

Grandpa sure recovered miraculously from the stroke he had. 

I was disturbed at the messages given when the two little boys (probably about 4 and 7?) looked at pictures of their late mother or told stories about her to other people. Grandpa especially acted like this was wrong- the kids needed to move on. Ann was always upset by it because it made her jealous and insecure. Sam just kind of tensed up. Please let these little babies remember their mother and process their grief in a healthy way!! 

I’m getting sick of seeing men get into fist fights whenever they have an argument or one of them feels butt hurt in any way. In Classical Hollywood it’s portrayed as seemingly the ONLY way for men to deal with their problems. Or at least the only MANLY way. A crown of respect is placed on the head of the hero who uses his fists. Barf. 

The trope of the wedding day for a character who is marrying the “wrong” person. In real life, are there honestly this many last-minute occurrences of “bride fleeing with her dress on to run to the man she really loves”?? 

Why, dear god, would you call one of your children Yo-Yo?? 

[j0kers-light]

His Lighthouse: Coordinates to Home (LedgerJoker x f!reader)

Coordinates to Home - Oneshot

KEEP IN MIND THIS IS NOT A CHAPTER UPDATE!

In light of this post, I give you Joker with tattoos! Don't tempt me, cuz I’ll write it! I did not use this mini oneshot to stall writing the next chapter. I had to get this out of my head and onto digital paper before I lost it my marbles. Child I literally wrote this at my desk so I apologize if there’s anything errors. I hope you enjoy!

taglist:

@blackreaderatrisk @twinkledinkle @clemdango04 @l3ejm @tears-of-amber @what-an-angel @darthjokerisyourfather @thatsnoteii @dollster @cheetahspy @kaidennnnn @urdariingdoll @motivation-idontknowher @ins0mniac-whack @spaghettificationandpretzels @reneisance @alittlesmartcookie @ninacutebee16 @carydorse @jaysmentalspace @she-could-never @that--thing

Let me know if you wish to be added to the official His Lighthouse taglist! Be alerted with any oneshots and the main story updates! 🖤✨

You had to be seeing things because there was no way Joker, of all people, had a tattoo.

It didn’t make sense given that tattoos were so unique. They were used to identify people for crying out loud! Was he really that careless? You found it hard to believe that J would have one given his illegal (and wanted) status in the world.

Unless.. he acquired them before becoming The Joker. If so, you had to know what it was!

For a moment you thought it was just a trick of the light. Another blemish, for a monument to his hard life was etched onto his skin already. What was another mark to a man like Joker?

Old scars, deep battle wounds, and one gnarly area below his rib cage, ‘a bomb gone wrong’ he told you, made identifying the possible tattoo difficult. It just blended in with his silvery skin.

Additionally, you had to pretend that you weren’t intrigued less Joker would feel your gaze and thwart your attempts. He had come a long way to be confident with his body, more so around you.

In the beginning, he didn’t remove his clothes at all if you were nearby. Now Joker practically walked around nude. You definitely weren’t complaining yet this was the first time you looked at him in great detail.

What could you say? When Joker took off his clothes, your mind quickly became… distracted.

It was a peaceful morning with the sun pouring in through the windows and Gotham had yet to begin its corruption. Not like it ever took a break.

You and Joker were safely tucked away in the comfort of your bed.

J was knocked out, flat on his stomach, and for once you woke up before him. It was rare to see Joker asleep, so you took the opportunity to admire your lover while it lasted.

The stress of his title was far removed from his features. His face was bare of any greasepaint and surprisingly his hair wasn’t dyed its signature green. J had promised not to color it when around you, thus his natural sun kissed hair was askew all over the sheets.

A gentle smile curled the corner of his scarred lip, and the sight made you copy the action. Joker looked at peace.

Any other morning you would’ve counted his freckles or kissed his nose—today you were on a mission.

Joker was an extremely light sleeper, causing you to move with caution until you straddled his lower back. There you had full access to view his most vulnerable side. A ray of sunlight hit Joker just right and you held back a sigh, seeing all the pain he endured over the years.

Some other time you would kiss them one by one.

Your fingertips grazed the site where you first caught a glimpse of his potential tattoo.

And much to your surprise, a sentence in a language unfamiliar to you was written out in red ink. It almost blended with his skin and if you weren’t intentionally looking, you would’ve never found it.

“Everything burns.”

You jumped hearing Joker’s sleep filled voice recite the text. He turned his head toward you, groggy from sleep but still handsome as ever. Right now, he resembled a grumpy cat deprived of sleep.

You had the decency to be guilty. “I didn’t mean to wake you, J. G-Go back to sleep.” You whispered.

Fat chance of that happening.

Once Joker was up, it would take an act of congress to get him back asleep. Both of you knew that. He yawned and rolled onto his back, extending a hand to hold your hip steady during the position change.

“J… I’m so sorry for waking you. I know you’re exhausted from last night and…”

Why were you still talking? The damage was already done.

“Hush Bunny.” Joker blinked away the last of his sleep to finally rest his eyes on you. Being woken up this early was worth it if this was the reward.

You bathed in the morning sun, gazing down at him like a deity. How did he get so lucky? His thumbs rubbed soothing circles on your hips, as he hummed.

“Mm. I got such a errr curious little Bunny. Did ya find what you were uhh, looking for?”

The sound of his voice so early in the day should honestly be illegal— but you shook your head clear to focus. Now was not the time to be horny.

You did in fact find what you sought out for, but its discovery only opened more questions.

“What language is it in and.. um why use red ink?” You asked.

How did he get access to ink? Was the tat written his native tongue? And it was so tiny, no bigger than your index finger in length. Who can tattoo that small? Joker could see the swarm of questions buzzing in your head.

“Now, now Bunny. Tattoos are powerful messages! Red ink is perfect for uh hiding them in plainnn sight. Why, you’ve seen everyyy inch of me doll and you didn’t notice it.” He stopped to smirk, “Or the others.”

Your bunny ears perked up, “Others?”

Joker thought you were the cutest. He could see every emotion you displayed in real time. He winked at you.

You neglected the fact that Joker didn’t fully answer your question. You were on the hunt for the others. Joker hissed when your cold hands came in contact with his chest but chuckled at his bunny��s avid curiosity.

“You won’t find them like this, my Light. Be a dear and move?” He playfully bucked his hips, causing you to lose your balance.

“Oh!” You fell over and watched as Joker sat up and presented his back to you. It was an honor indeed and you kissed J’s cheek for the amount of trust he gave you.

You hardly saw his back given it was a sore spot for him. But sure enough, the sun’s gaze illuminated his skin for your search, and you saw it all.

Joker inhaled and your eyes dropped down to a patch of skin in wonder. “It’s white ink!” You gasped, “I never seen white before..”

You found a set of dates (no surprise, missing the year), a line of coordinates, another phrase in the same looking foreign language, and an exaggerated smiley face but in black ink. Each little gem was a rabbit’s hole into Joker’s character. You were almost afraid to touch them, it didn’t seem real.

He spun around to kiss you, but you wouldn’t be distracted.

In between kisses and gasps for air you asked, “What do they all mean?” It was your turn to shiver when Joker’s hands came in contact with your body. He was removing your night shirt when he huffed in irritation.

“Do they neee~eeed to have a meaning Y/n?” He pulled back to let you moan out in want. His hands were making it difficult to string sentences together.

“N-No but..” you wavered, and J used your hesitation against you.

“But nothing.”

He pushed you down on the bed and grinned at the hazy look in your eye. You wanted this too. Joker rubbed your knees until you got the message and parted your legs for him.

Joker slotted himself in the space you created and guided you to wrap your legs around his hips. Your hands traveled up his shoulder blades and down to where you now knew his tattoos resided.

With each mind-numbing kiss, you worked hard to memorize every bump and ridge. You weren’t letting this go. If Joker wouldn’t tell you, you’d find out for yourself.

This was dangerous and probably one of the dumbest things you ever did.

Joker was out terrorizing Gotham City tonight, leaving you home alone and burning with curiosity. It was safe to say that you were obsessed.

J gave you plenty of chances to study the grooves of his tattoo with all the sex he instigated. It didn’t matter that you had to learn it backwards, you needed to know what his tattoos meant! You drew what you could duplicate in your notebook and hoped it was correct.

At first you were confused. Joker’s tattoo resembled Braille with its raised font; however, one engine search later found that prison tattoos or ones of lesser value, were not the best and scarred the flesh worse than a professional.

Joker’s tattoos were literally carved into his skin. His threshold for pain was a cause for concern.

After shivering in disgust, you opened a latitude and longitude finder and started entering the coordinates by trial and error.

You were excited to learn more about Joker even if your methods were a bit unconventional. Perhaps it was his old childhood home or the town where he was born! The coordinates were next to tiny Roman numerals for a date, so you assumed that was the meaning behind his tattoos.

Something this important on a man like Joker was bound to be epic.

He certainly went to great lengths to keep it concealed. It was located on his back, in white ink, and no bigger than three to four inches in diameter. Whatever it was, you would solve it.

You were biting your lip in anticipation when the map completed its search. The results shocked you. “Huh? That���s…”

“Home.”

You screamed upon hearing Joker right behind you. He had a habit of sneaking up on you, but today took the cake.

“Joker what are you doing here?! You almost gave me a heart attack! I thought you were staying in Amusement Mile tonight?!”

He ignored all your panic induced questions to focus on your computer. A GPS tracker had finalized its results and dropped a pin smack dab on your apartment. He glanced at your notebook where your handwriting matched the tattoos on his back.

His Light was too curious for her own good.

“If ya want-ed to know.. you could’ve asked me, Y/n.”

“Oh! I know you lying!” You asked him what they meant weeks ago, and he didn’t say! Now he wanna speak up? This man know he got on your last nerve!!

You had the urge to throw something, but you kept your cool.

Joker seemed to enjoy your irritation. He shrugged off his coat and made himself comfortable at your desk. He chose to ignore you calling him a liar, though.

“Are ya done, doll?” He mused.

“No, I’m not!” you tapped the computer screen, “Why does it point here?” You asked.

Joker twirled around in your desk chair, throwing you a ‘are you kidding me’ look. He was having a grand old time acting like a whole kid; you were waiting for an explanation.

He was making you dizzy so you reached out and stopped his little merry go round ride. J laughed and waited for the room to stop spinning before grabbing your hand.

“I uh de-cide-ed to keep a.. permanenT record of home on me should I ahh, ever get.. lost. Smart huh?”

Never mind the fact he couldn’t see it, you were touched.

You caved and walked straight into Joker’s lap. His hands found their rightful place on your hips as he looked up at his Light.

Your hands busied themselves in his hair, curling wayward strands around your fingers. “I-I’m home to you?”

J just nodded and quickly regretting the motion after spinning around so much.

“And the date?”

His lips pecked your exposed midriff before he rested his head against it. “The uh.. day we met.”

How do you respond to such a heartfelt confession? Simple. You don’t.

All you could do was blink back tears and pray that Joker didn’t hear you crying. Maybe he did since his grip tightened around you. Silence enveloped the room. Hidden within the scars of his past was a reminder of a brighter future.

Joker was grateful you didn’t poke any further and deduced the other portion of his tattoo. He told you the first half that was written in red ink, but not the added line in white.

Underneath the coordinates to home and the day he found his light, a vow was etched in a language he long since forgotten.

Everything burns, but not her.  

[adventure-kindness-wellness]

Motion Creates Clarity

How often do you downplay your own successes? I fail to acknowledge the magnitude of my risks and accomplishments often.

As soon as I achieve a goal, I just move on to the next, and this is something I am becoming conscious of.



My current location is on the West Coast in a beautiful region of Central California. A small college town by the beach. San Luis Obispo.



Within a few minutes, I can drive on the beach and sand dunes, go surfing, lay out on a beautiful public beach full of happy people, or park on a mountain top with panoramic views of the city and ocean while I edit videos.



This area is not congested and homelessness is far less prevalent than anywhere I’ve been in a long time.

This mission of “Adventure, Kindness, and Wellness” in the pursuit of freedom and self sufficiency sounds foreign and crazy to some. To others, it sounds romantic and inspirational. Few, if any understand a journey like this if they have not engaged in some form of parallel experience.



Just over two-years ago, I was at the end of a 7-year phase, living in the place that I wanted to be most in the world. Breckenridge, Colorado. One of the two most visited ski towns in America. See the Book of Mike G YouTube for more awesome videos!

When I moved there in 2014, it was still possible to own a home, buy land, build something, and create a middle-class life through hard work and consistent income.

Within a few years that dream became unobtainable. Even with jobs like grocery stocker paying $30.00 per-hour by the time I left in 2021. 



Our housing economy and the community were changing quickly and in 2020, that process accelerated exponentially.

By 2021, our town of 5,000 residents had "lost" four-thousand housing units of all sizes to wealthy Air BnB and short-term rental owners from different states and countries… Housing for local workforce was effectively gone. Literally impossible to find. Thus the concept of a 4x4 camper that fits into a normal parking space and has room to comfortably work on my laptop.

 Sadly, after 7-years living the ski town life, I had to return to my hometown.

Once I lost my housing as the result of my divorce, I could not find anywhere else to live and honestly did not want to live in that small town and watch my ex wife move on. I knew everyone, everyone knew me. It was just time for a new chapter.

I

came home to Wichita defeated, depressed, but out of debt with a couple thousand dollars in the bank.



I returned at age 39. After a few weeks, I stepped into the gym for the first time in years.

Here, I developed habits and made changes that will be beneficial for the rest of my life.



I had the opportunity to take my contract work for the world’s largest custom motorcycle manufacturer, Big Dog Motorcycles and turn that work into a full time job for the next year.

During a moment like this, if one chooses, it is a wonderful time to truly assess what you desire your life to look like.

If you ever find yourself having lost a relationship, housing, possibly credit and additional objects, it can be one of the most liberating feelings, if you take the moment to acknowledge the gift of freedom that you have received.


My intention was to stay home for a year, save some money, figure out my next destination and make the move.



I obtained my Cannabis Masters Degree from Cannabis Training University and began pursuing that as a career path, but without any real direction. Previously, I worked in the industry and thought it could really be a good sustainable career path.



It’s funny how much time, money, and resources went into my prior university degree in video production and journalism, yet I never found the place I fit into the world happily trading my hours for dollars to make another person, party, or business profit. 



So, I got myself locked into a 1-year lease to work with Big Dog Motorcycles. I stayed home for a bit over a year, then my engine broke down and needed to be replaced.



During this two-year period at home, I spent hours upon hours daily, thinking about Who I am, who I want to be, and what purpose I will pursue with this moment of freedom in my life.

Remember, I was debt-free with cash in the bank when I arrived home.

Due to the engine replacement and taking a risk with a different friend’s business, which did not turn out fruitful, I was now $13,000 in debt on high interest credit cards.

Around this time, my mindset began to shift. Now that my eyes are open, I have been focusing on shifting from selling my skills and abilities to an employer to realizing all of my past challenges have been equipping me to pursue my own path if I can just find the right direction.



As a Video Producer of 17-years, I finally realized something so simple. I can make a legitimately sustainable career creating content for YouTube. The hard part is developing the concept, believing in myself enough to fully commit to the challenge, and being willing to see things through, even in moments of stagnation or hardship.



After deciding that I was completely serious about my YouTube career, I had to define my channel and content.

With much time and thought, I developed the concept of “Adventure, Kindness, and Wellness” Three things that are important to me in my own life and will be appealing to others who are also interested in similar pursuits.



If you delve into my first podcasts and live videos, you can see how much of an amateur I am in front of the camera, even with nearly two-decades of professional experience behind the viewfinder.

I was never interested in sitting in front of the camera in a studio and talking. At the same time, the adventure element that is supposed to drive everything was just not present in the flat, industrial conservative Midwestern city of Wichita, Kansas. 



The clarity I sought was still far away. At the same time, I was 40, closing in on 41, living in my hometown for nearly two-years.

At this point, the reality of my own mortality started to become a prevalent part of my conscious thought process.

Around that time, I realized that if I didn’t have a drop-dead date for departure and a destination, another year could pass and I might be in even worse financial shape, or something else could happen that kept me locked into a place and life that I did not want.



So, without having ever been there, I chose Palm Springs, California for my Winter destination. 



Next, the Redbull Imagination freestyle motocross event popped up on my Facebook feed and happened to land on the last day of September 2023. This was pretty close to the time I wanted to depart for my next adventures, and even though it is one of the biggest and most progressive Redbull FMX events in the world, it was only a few hours away from home in the middle of nowhere.



I bought my tickets and set this event as my drop-dead departure date.



So much has happened since that time. Make sure to check out my channel to see all of the adventures I have shared since then.

The point of this story isn’t to describe the adventures, but rather to explain how important it is to start moving, even if you don’t know exactly where you’re going.



At this point in life, I know I can be some thing amazing for myself and I have the ability to make this world a slightly better place.

I will be selling myself short and depriving the world of the gifts I can produce if I throw out all of the skills, experience, and fortitude I’ve developed… This is exactly how I see trading my hours for dollars to build something for someone else, literally throwing away my strongest attributes that I have painstakingly developed throughout my life.



What happens when a person like myself with this much experience and professional skills begins working for others? most of their skills and experience are disregarded.

That person is trained to follow directions, produce the result they are told, and use a small portion of their knowledge and experience. Meanwhile, all of their capabilities and strengths outside of those directions are not utilized, even if they are the most valuable skills the employee possesses. 



When I recognized how much of my time and energy will go into selling myself to others for their benefit, I realized that I was disregarding my ability to do amazing things with my life for myself and for others.



The amount of work, stress, dedication, education, time, and energy that goes into seeking an employer is substantial. 



I’ve come to the conclusion that in my life, I can dedicate that time and energy to my own pursuits… If I have the self discipline and dedication needed, I will be able to produce a far better outcome in life that will last the rest of my life, and it will only take a few years of hard work, dedication, and discomfort to get off the ground.

The hardest part is getting started.



Living in a world full of modern comforts, conveniences, and working for others while eliminating the need to figure things out and make them work, I see American culture turning weak, soft, and dependent. Not to mention depressed, unhealthy, and addicted.

One of my biggest pursuits in life is freedom.

What that means to me is that I am able to thrive without having to depend on an employer or clients to allow me the ability to feed myself and pay for shelter.

It means living beneath my means, owning land outright, and building my piece of the American dream with hands-on sweat equity instead of trading 30-years of my life for the currency to pay interest and taxes on, while not being able to save enough to comfortably retire. 



Realizing that I am selling myself short following the directions of others for their profit, and understanding that life is getting shorter by the day, I no longer have time to waste, dreaming, thinking, and hoping while living a soft life full of comfort and convenience. 



All of the comfort and convenience was coming at a high price. It was keeping me from moving forward and pursuing the man that I am capable of becoming. It was making me numb my dissatisfaction with alcohol, and it was not allowing me to become my authentic self.

Instead, it was forcing me into a mold that I was not suited to fit into.



This is where I do not give myself enough credit for what I have accomplished… Check out my channel to see all of the hard work I did to prepare for this new life I’ve decided to design and pursue.



I’m now on the West Coast, living in a place that I really like, making 4x the same income for literally the EXACT SAME JOB with the same company.



My location is perfect for my vision of parking my 4x4 mobile office camper in beautiful places to work on my laptop and shoot amazing, visually appealing videos.



By the time I began generating an income in California, I had accumulated several thousand dollars in credit card debt from the second friend’s business I wasted my time with, combined with travel expenses, and 20-days without income.



At the same time, I’m years ahead of where I could be if I stayed in my hometown with low income and a low cost of living. Especially sense my transmission is now failing and will also need to be replaced with credit over the next few weeks.



But…

Imagine if the transmission broke down in Wichita and I did not depart on the day that I set. I would likely still be there, working for so little that I can’t pay for the transmission or get on the road. I wouldn’t have the subject matter or visually appealing locations to capture content and tell my stories… Who knows, maybe I would have gotten myself a DUI or worse. (I’m 81-days alcohol free today, by the way.) 



My path is still fairly undefined. It is coming into focus and I am learning more, while improving my plan, tactics, content, and online presence daily. 



When I think about how far I’ve come over the last two-months, I realize how substantially vital this decision to move forward and risk everything I had left to put into this life truly is.



When I consider the monumental challenge of my failing transmission, I recognize that it is just another opportunity to build more fortitude, overcome a hard moment, and become even more dedicated to the mission that I am on.



Now, this challenge is part of my story that I am still writing. At the same time, I’m locked in. I’m on the West Coast, I have solid income, and even though I will be able to move on soon enough, I’m going to embrace this moment. Work hard, pay off the transmission and some additional debt, while continuing to create content, learn, develop, evolve, and pursue my mission of self-sustainable freedom with the theme of Adventure, Kindness, and Wellness.



When I think back to the moment that I chose the date 9/30/23 for my departure, I know that it would have been much easier to work for even another month before departure, yet I also recognize the substantial progress I have made on my mission over the last two-months, and in the long run, I believe that a single month’s progress is worth far more than the money I would have been able to save and dedicate to this adventure.



Now, my blurry vision of the future is coming into focus… Choosing a departure date and location were possibly the most valuable things I could have done for myself at that time. 



Now, I am in a position where I cannot find a better path or option than to stay the course that I am on, sail straight through the rough waters of transmission troubles.

Along the way, I have come to the conclusion that I have a far FAR higher likelihood of achieving the financial freedom for myself on this path, than wasting any more of my precious hours begging employers or clients for work, or going back to college for an MBA.



When my mind finally realized the substantial limits of the career world, it became obvious that the world the Boomers experienced will produce less buying power in my lifetime, and basically no chance at a comfortable retirement if I try to do things the way they did.



When my mind was able to break free of the idea that I must do what education and society says I should, then I began to realize that every moment not spent pursuing my dreams, goals, and vision were moments lost that I could never get back.



And now, here I am on the coast, proud of the progress I’ve made over the last few months. Moving towards my dreams on a daily basis, and making good enough money to pay down debt promptly and free up more time and money to focus on my desired outcome in life.



If I didn’t set that departure date and location, I would not be as far along as I am now, even if this is just the very beginning.



So if you are ever feeling stuck or lost, take some real time to understand your personal mission. Choose an outcome and a time. Commit to it, even if it is uncomfortable, then take action.In the end, you will develop courage, self esteem, grit, and joy. True joy.