#of my ass . some ones gotta do it if the doctor won’t!

[captainsjack]

watching any sort of alien invasion movie after doctor who is so funny every 3 seconds they do something stupid and i’m just like . ok well the doctor could’ve sorted all this out in 43 minutes AND looked good doing it you have neither going for you i’m losing hope :/

[slamminslamminmcgill]

hiiii uhhh joel drabble based on my daddy dick appointment yesterday

warning: rimming, intox (poppers and weed), oral, squirting, erectile dysfunction (real old man dick enjoyers know wassup), toys, overstimulation, daddy kink obvs

anatomical terms: cunt/pussy, clit/cock/dick

It’s not that you had daddy issues.

Or that he had a framed picture of him and his daughter on the shelf.

Or a throw pillow with the word DAD sewn onto it, clutched against your chest as he messily ate you out on the leather sectional in his one bedroom apartment.

No, he was just hot. A hot older guy that hit you up on Grindr for the ol' smoke and poke, a quick hit of some blunt and cunt. That’s it. That’s all this was.

He was just a hot older guy, and nothing more.

Not a daddy.

The picture of his daughter was not staring you down while you blew him, much too rigorously for his liking.

“Easy, easy there, easy. Slow down, baby. I don’t wanna cum yet. Just- Just lick my balls for a little bit. Nice and slow, good boy.”

You did as he said, slithering your tongue across and smothering your face in his massive balls, trying and failing to fit even just one in your mouth. You did not want to think about how that girl in the picture frame was once swimming around in them.

And you definitely were not wondering if his daughter’s mother ever ate his ass out like this. With how tense he was, you figured probably not, but he opened up beautifully once you lubed up your fingers. Hell, he even took that buttplug like a champ.

“Oh, Jesus Christ… Ngh…”

“You okay?”

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good… Just gotta… Mmm, just gotta get used to it, sweetness.”

Maybe his ex was kinky. Maybe she’d been the first one to touch his prostate. Or maybe it was his doctor just a couple weeks ago. Maybe it’d been revelation, divine knowledge bestowed to him while bent over on the exam table, and he’d been experimenting ever since, trying to make lightning strike twice.

You were not trying to guess whether he was divorced, a widower, or a cheater. Hopefully not the third, because nothing will kill an orgasm faster than a vengeful spouse and a loaded handgun. But hey, that’s not your problem. Not yet, at least, and hopefully not ever.

Just a hot older guy. Decades of experience, and it showed. He surely knew his way around a pussy, liquid proof dripping from his mustache. He knelt down in front of you once more, hoisted your legs onto his shoulders, and yanked your butt off the edge of the couch.

“Got the poppers, bud? Y’wanna hold ‘em up for me?”

You uncapped and held the small bottle to his nostril and watched him take a five second inhale, then a breath, and another five second inhale.

Fuck, he was hot.

You barely had time to bring the poppers to your own face before his went down. His tongue pressed and flicked, swirled and licked your fattened clit. Two long fingers shoved up your pussy, and one snuck up your ass, all three reaching much deeper than you could do yourself. They pumped in time with his mouth, at first. Steady, deliberate motions intended to open you up for something more. He rose to his feet, bringing your legs up with him, and feverishly pumped his half-hard cock. Brows knit in unwavering focus as he tried to get it all the way up.

“Shit… won’t stay up. Hol’ on. Where’s the damn…?”

He grabbed a rubber ring off the coffee table and slid it onto his cock, tugging his heavy balls through the loop. You watched, entranced, having no frame of reference for what that might feel like. You tried to imagine it on your own cock: a tight pinch, forcing all that blood into it, all that pressure. It sounded heavenly on its own, but to be fair, you had much less dick to fill. The ring seemed to be doing the trick for him, though. He finally got it up, poked it against your cunt, and shoved it in. No time to waste, and no time to adjust before he started coring you out on the couch.

For about three thrusts, and then he fell out.

“Son of a… Fuck it.”

In a fit of sexual frustration, he fell to his knees and plunged his face into your pussy once more. All tact and any shred of restraint he had left was gone. He was an animal, and devoured you as such. He sucked your tiny dick up into his mouth, tugging at it like he was trying to tear it off. The three fingers went back into your holes as if they'd never left, finding your sweet spots in a matter of seconds. He jackhammered them, forcing you to bear a ruthless, brutal onslaught of pleasure. The speed had your entire body shaking, even down to your voice.

"F-F-F-u-u-u-u-u-c-k-k, o-o-h-h-h-h, y-y-y-e-e-e-e-e-s-s-s..."

It sounded like you were moaning into a desk fan, the sobs of ecstasy being intercepted by his hand. His wrist did not falter, not for a moment. Not even when every jab of his fingers got him splashed with cum. Every. Jab. You honestly didn't even know you could physically squirt this much. Hell, you couldn't stop squirting. Not that you'd want to, but still. He just took it on the chin, quite literally, snarling with sadistic satisfaction as he drank it all down. When his thirst was finally quenched, he pulled back, his face glistening with your juices.

"Sorry I couldn't get hard, darlin'. I dunno if it was the poppers or the pot or what... Usually doesn't happen to me."

The fuck? The man sucks your soul out of your body, gives you an industrial-strength orgasm, and the first word out of his mouth is sorry? Your cunt was still buzzing a good 30 seconds after he stopped and he thinks to apologize? Is this guy for real? You shut that shit down right away.

"No, no, no, oh my god, you're... you're fine, don't worry... Shit... That was... You're fucking amazing... Thank you..."

"Aw, pleasure's all mine, sugarplum. You taste fuckin' incredible, y'know. I could-"

*RING*

"Shit, it's my daughter. I gotta take this."

Saying the quiet part out loud, it seems.

[restinslices]

ALRIGHT ENOUGH ANGST MY HEARTS DEALT WITH ENOUGH 😭 CAN I REQUEST THE LIN KUEI BOYS TAKING CARE OF A SICK READER?

I also got another fluff request but for Kitana. Y’all make me sick, I could just BAFFGSGTGSGG (me vomiting cause y’all don’t wanna be depressed). Using stupid pictures because I don’t think I have for them yet.

Bi-Han

The haters will try to convince you that Bi-Han wouldn’t give a fuck. That he’d tell you to walk it off or some other mean shit 

I encourage you to ignore them

Bi-Han is snippy but y’all let’s be fr, he’s an older brother. He’s the older brother. He’s definitely been forced to take care of his brothers 

As the oldest brother he’s always had to do shit for his brothers so this is not his first rodeo 

If it’s something small and you’re in the middle of something, like a mission, he’d encourage you to pull through. If you’re not in the middle of something then he’d take care of you 

A small illness can become bigger so he makes sure to address it right away

He knows random remedies you’ve never heard of. Jump down, turn around, pop your ass, swallow a lemon and now you’re ok

You’d recover way quicker with him watching over you 

And if I said he makes you meals will y’all boo me for making him soft?! Idc.

Once again, he’s the oldest. I’m the youngest so I’ve seen how much weight the older ones gotta carry. He for sure knows how to do things like cook, clean, take care of sick people, ect. 

He makes these heavenly soups and just like that, your sore throat is gone 

Soups, teas, a nice healing stew, he’s on it

If you have body aches, he makes you do certain stretches 

You swear this man knows witchcraft because everything he suggests works 

Obviously if you’re heating up he’ll put his hand on you. We knew this was coming.

He’d prefer you to use an ice pack or use a cold rag but let’s be real, you’re not gonna do that when you could just cling onto him 

The best doctor the Lin Kuei has ever seen even if he won’t admit it

The strongest of illnesses mean nothing to him. He’s gonna get the job done 

Kuai Liang

Also a good nurse

He’d ask Bi-Han for some help when it comes to soups and shit. Kuai Liang can cook but he recognizes that Bi-Han got a magic touch 

If you’re in the middle of a mission and feel unwell, he wouldn’t tell you to stop what you’re doing but he has you doing less. He’ll have you behind him and would suggest you to do simple things, like keeping watch 

If you’re not on a mission then he’d pay more attention. You expect that Bi-Han would have you wait and Kuai Liang would treat you right away but I think it’s the opposite. Bi-Han being the caregiver knows how annoying it is to take care of someone really sick (which could have been prevented) and Kuai Liang is the younger sibling who would put off mentioning his illness 

He’d have you track your symptoms at first to see if it’s something serious or something a quick nap could fix 

Lingers around you to make sure you’re ok

Cooks you warm meals if you’re cold but if you’re warm he’ll give you cold liquids 

You can’t sneakily miss taking your medication cause he’s on your ass. Probably has an alarm set and everything 

If you’re overly warm he won’t be all on you because he’s warm, but if you want physical touch he’ll let you hold his pinkie 

Bi-Han gives you remedies even if they taste absolutely vile but I think Kuai Liang would try to give you remedies that don’t taste that bad 

Has you laying down a lot so you can recover quicker. If you have no responsibilities to tend to he’s not letting you get up 

You’ll have to convince him to let you do things like, oh idk, walking around? I have the flu, I’m not dying 

When you start to recover then he lets you move around like normal. He just doesn’t want you exerting yourself and getting worse 

Tries to find out if there’s a certain thing you were exposed to that got you sick so it doesn’t happen again

Tomas Vrbada

Similar to Kuai Liang in the sense that if you’re on a mission he’ll want you to do less intense things, like keeping watch 

He constantly asks if you’re ok and what your symptoms are 

If it was up to him, you’d be sent back home immediately. You’re just gonna get worse and you probably can’t focus 

If you have nothing to do then he’s basically right on top of you

I feel like he has random thoughts he doesn’t want to have and he makes himself paranoid. He’s the type to google his symptoms and legit starts to think he has cancer because WebMD said so

He also thinks out loud so he’s the type to say “what if you’re dying?… that actually wasn’t appropriate. I’m sorry”

Nah, you gotta move now Tomas 

Because of his paranoia he’s constantly checking up on you 

Kuai Liang but worse because you can convince him to let you move like a normal person but that’s not happening with Tomas 

Becomes your nurse and your butler because he’s doing everything for you 

Cooking? He got it. Making tea? He got it. Making sure you take your meds? He got it. Grabbing a cup of water? He got it. Wanna walk to the bathroom? He got strong arms-

He’s neither hot nor cold so feel free to snuggle next to him 

His brothers are soup kind of guys but I think he’s more oatmeal and tea 

Also tries to give you better tasting medicine but sometimes you just gotta thug it out 

If a mission comes up but you’re still sick, he will not let you attend at all 

Constantly drying your blankets so they can be extra warm if you’re cold 

Distracts you by talking about random shit

Only convinced you’re not dying when you’re no longer sick

He’s on your ass 24/7 but it’s Tomas so who’s complaining?

This is not me turning over a new leaf. If I think of something sad, y’all WILL hear about it💕

[sunshineting]

plug eren bf heafcanons?? ;)

Plug!Eren bf headcanons 😘

-after y’alls first “smoke session” you never pay for weed again. He literally won’t let you. 

-tbh he didn't make it official until he saw you on campus getting a little too close to one of your class friends

↑You were just talking to Armin about the essay that was due soon. Nothing nefarious. So maybe Armin had a crush on you, but you didn’t know that. You’d been friends for a while, so you didn’t think much of it when Armin said that you had an eyelash on your cheek and he would get it for you. Eren was just coming out of his business management class when he saw you. Rather, he saw some blond boy gently grabbing your face with one hand and wiping your cheek with the other. Needless to say, he took you to his apartment and fucked some sense into you. He had you on your back with your knees pressed against your tits. The man had you folded like a lawnchair and somehow expected you to respond. “Don’t let that dork ass boy touch what's mine. You’re my girl. I don’t give a fuck what label you gotta call it. My woman, my girlfriend, my bitch. You’re mine, you’re all fucking mine, you hear me?” He says while he pounds into you. You’re too fucked out to even comprehend what he’s saying. All you can do is let out a breathy ‘uh-huh’ as your eyes roll back.

-he rarely calls you by your name, it's always ‘pretty, mama, babygirl’

-Eren likes getting you expensive gifts. Once, he got you a white gold and diamond anklet with an E charm. He likes to see it when he puts you in a mating press

-if you’re out with him, there’s a good chance you’ll have to ride with him while he does business. After you make some offhand remark about his crazy ‘work’ hours he replied, “I’m like a doctor, baby, I get called in when my patients need me”

-if you’re reading, either for a class or for fun, he always comes up behind you and kisses the top of your head before rubbing your shoulders, giving you mini massage

-he LOVES taking you to parties and showing you off. You were never really a party girl (hello social anxiety) but his presence made you so comfortable and safe that you started to like going to parties with him

-teaches you how to roll blunts and eventually almost always has you roll for him. He says they’re always sweeter when you do it ♡

I hope you like it! this is my first anon hehe

[nightlilly0110]

I have not paid attention to My Hero Academia in ages. It got boring for me, I especially didn’t really like the “yes and” sort of fights they were doing where it was like “oh no he’s dead, oh wait no he’s not, and he also has gotten stronger and has somehow developed more powers” (I’m staring so hard at Dabi vs Shouto and Dabi spontaneously developing an ice quirk after having his ass beat multiple times already).

Anyway. Regardless on me having issues with that, because I know that when your main villain’s power is All Of Them, you gotta shove a whole lot of shit into your grand act, your finale.

The story of My Hero Academia did a really good job at pointing out all the flaws in hero society. Everyone wants the prestige with becoming a hero so they gotta limit it to people who have a strong enough power to get into hero schools, specifically the hero track. Not all heroes are good people and it’s dangerous to blindly give out this status as a top member of society. Not all villains are inherently evil - as the manga states, all it takes is one bad day. Racism, abuse, and mental health issues are overlooked because it happens to the people on the bottom rung. It’s realistic. It’s great. It gets the point across that this world isn’t as fantastic as it first seemed.

And then all of that immediately gets undercut by the reveal that Everything in the manga is AFO’s fault. He gave Shigaraki Decay and groomed him, he’s the one who caused the surge in crime and the anti-mutant rhetoric. They establish him as born evil, as the devil incarnate, that he has always been this way and will never change. I expected that he would never have redemption and is beyond saving, but to say he was Born Evil contradicts the “one bad day” narrative that is literally on the first page of Volume 24.

Gonna Devil’s Advocate myself for a second. I think the idea that AFO being irredeemable and going against the “one bad day” narrative would have been a great contrast to Shigaraki and the rest of the LOV.

Here’s the but.

They also go on to imply that Everything Will Be Okay As Long As We Kill AFO. Since he’s the Root Of All Evil, if they kill him, everything will be 100% perfect and nothing will be Evil or Wrong or Bad ever again.

Please hear my sarcasm. That’s unfortunately not how systemic racism, classism, abuse, or any other social issues work. They unfortunately do not vanish because you get rid of one guy. It’ll definitely help consider AFO won’t be around to fuck shit up, but it’s not a be all end all situation.

Additionally, having all of this realistic worldbuilding and establishing all the problems in this hero society, having testimonies from the villains and from Deku himself that if you are different you will suffer, and then turning it around and going “actually it wasn’t the system, the system it’s fine, it’s just this one dickhead lol” fucking sucks. Okay yeah, it’s cool to see all the ways AFO was pulling the strings behind everything and manipulating society how he wanted it, but it seemed very shoehorned in???? We see some glimpses of his control of resources with the Nomu labs and the implications of using doctors to scope out good quirks to use, but we spent too little time on that other than focusing on Kurogiri.

Moving on to the spoilers I saw today for the most recent chapter. Deku’s motivations have always been “I want to be able to save as many people as I can, just like All Might.” He’s stated many times throughout the last few fights that he wants to be able to reach Tenko - not Tomura, but Tenko - and this is the end he gets?????

Liberties with the translations as it’s not official but like. Come on.

“I’m a crying brat just like you said.” We established a long time ago that Shigaraki fights because he wants to build a better world for him and his friends. While he might have been a “crying brat” in his first few appearances, he hasn’t been that way in literal years. Deku calling him this (which I can’t find a good image of, sorry) goes against his entire character. He’s not a brat. He has reasons to do what he does.

“I wanted to stop you because you wanted to be stopped.” Stopped, not saved.

“So your sadness wouldn’t be passed on.” What Deku is saying here is that he is acknowledging that Shigaraki was wronged, but he isn’t going to do anything for him other than stop him (kill him) because he was hurting other people. Again, reminder, this was the kid that wanted to save as many people as he can, and Shigaraki wasn’t past saving. What was the point of emphasizing that Tenko was still a part of him that existed if you were going to kill them both?

We also don’t know what happened to the other villains as of right now. None of their statuses have been confirmed, but they’re presumed to be dead. None of them got their happy ending. None of them even got a good ending. None of them have the closure that their injustices were wronged. None of them have the closure that they left this world in good hands for other people like them. They just died.

So who exactly are we saving? What’s the point?

[pumpkinstrawbrew]

*harvey bullock's voice* : batman an' that scarecrow guy are in cahoots! i'm tellin' ya! the vigilante an' that fruitcake totally have somethin' nasty goin' on!

bullock ships it know whats up. meanwhile, gordon is like 🤷‍♂️ 'idk, they look like sworn enemies to me'. so what if batman apprehends him very weirdly.

...

(one of very lovely an’ endearing btas crane’s features for me, always gonna be how he’s a complete twerp compared to his comic counterparts. he’s not only hella scrawny, but he’s also pretty short too.

comic crane build like a pencil compared to bruce, but btas jon is this, but a small version. a real gremlin, where in the comics, he's a goblin.

him being smaller have it's +. for one, he's easier to throw around an’ manhandle. or in this case, i kinda just thought ‘hey, bruce will have no problem to just place him in his laps’. jonathan is cuddly sized for the bat. gotta abuse this advantage to the max. he can catch him this way, or can hold him too… 

an’ look at that, it might lead to one of those few *rare, very rare* times, when jon will attempt to be comforting. he sucks at this, but he does show a shine of sympathy, if he's in the mood for that. but yeah, he would only do it, when batman is all sad an’ down. if he was scared, it’s another story. 

depressed bat makes crane feel some sort of way he hates. he won’t dare to call it anything, but he would rather them do smth less…..this. being held is nice tho. so he tolerates it, telling himself that it's fine just this one time. but then, casually tolerates *basks in* it every damn time from that point on, while using the same excuse… 

he can be regal like that lol.  

an’ speaking of regal…….

i always loved, when the bat tried to catch the scarecrow for a second time in ‘nothing to fear’, an’ jon talks to him in an odd manner. almost like a teacher would speak with a student. bruce’s slightly shameful an’ vulnerable expression is everything in that scene, esp when jon stands on the upper row of stairs looking at him. the tides shift later on, naturally. but even as a kid, it was fun to see batman being kinda humbled by some short, weird guy in a potato sack. 

like, jon is so funnily rude an’ ‘argh’ through the whole ep, it’s hard not to cherish, that batman had to put up with it. the way jonathan abused his henchmen is also smth else. he literally re-broke the dude's nose, while calling him names lol. i just wish, that besides ‘lock up’, we had managed to see other sides of him, which clearly existed. love him being a rude ass almost all the time too tho, bc it suits him. an’ it’s a fun difference compared to comic crane, whose spitefulness is usually more emotionally loaded an’ childish. btas crane feels like a proper antisocial sociopath, than anythin’. but like any good sociopath, he has that one person, who he fancy *even if in a strange fashion*. so, batman has a chance to see it all, once he gets past the cold shoulder phase. 

in their case *btas universe*, i picture that jon’s wary ‘get out of my way’ fashion in which he deals with bruce, would essentially build up into proper obsession, where terrifying him is less of a curious experiment an’ method of eliminating him, but also like….he legit wanna know what batman fears. what he sees. how jon affects him an' if it affects his every-day life. fights with him getting more personal an' more crucial.

from that bit, i was wondering what jonathan might have thought about times, when batman hung out with justice league. an’ if there was a villain, who he would feel envious of. an’ idk, doctor destiny came to mind. he’s not like fear-themed villain even per say, but he can control dreams, which is scary in itself. so jon *naturally for him* assuming that dr. destiny went after batman’s fears an’ gave him nightmares. which would instantly make him possessive an’ jealous lol. it’s his an’ bat’s thing! it fully escapes crane, that batman…doesn't ever prefer whatever villain he's fighting. not in way, where he thinks that he bonds with them over being tormented lol. i mean, he kinda does it with jonathan to a degree, but he'd rather they did it in more normal way.

regardless, bruce will have to tell him, that nope, like dr. destiny totally sucks compared to the scarecrow. mostly bc if he won’t, jon might make so, that dr. destiny won’t breathe air ever again lol.)

[thee-ghosty]

Snippet #8

part 2 part 3

Civilian couldn’t have possibly predicted that just 40 minutes after their shift at the local bar, they would be covered in blood, have a random stranger in a mask bleeding out on their couch, and frantically looking up how to stop blood loss. 

They expected today to be just like every other day of their boring life. They passed by one of the alleys on their normal route home when a loud crash stopped them in their tracks. They could have ignored it and not gotten into this mess, but they had a vendetta against common sense, so naturally they had to go see what happened. A few moments later, they were arguing with a stranger, bleeding profusely onto the concrete, about getting them to a hospital. The stranger were adamant that they would be fine, they just needed to get home…which was on the complete other side of town. More bickering ensued before they settled on the current situation; Civilian nursing an almost dead person back to life. 

Civilian’s eyes frantically dragged across the computer screen until an answer popped up. 

“Apply direct pressure on the cut or wound with a clean cloth, tissue, or piece of gauze until bleeding stops. If blood soaks through the material, don't remove it. Put more cloth or gauze on top of it and continue to apply pressure.”

“Okay…okay. I can do this. I got this. Right.” Civilian muttered under their breath.

This was absolutely insane, they knew that and they were a breath away from having a panic attack, but they pressed on nonetheless. They rushed to the bathroom to get towels, some painkillers and a bottle of water before returning to the masked stranger on their couch. Their breath was shallow, but they were still awake. That’s a good sign, right? Civilian questioned. The stranger’s hands still covered over the wound, red slowly dripping through their fingers. 

“You need to move your hands, alright? I gotta cover the wound.” Civilian said with a quiver in their voice.

The stranger slowly shifted their hands away from their side, exposing the extent of the damage. It was a miracle that Civilian hadn't passed out from the sight. They had no idea how deep the wound was, but the amount of blood seeping through the person’s suit and into Civilian’s couch made them wonder how this person was still breathing.

The stranger hissed as Civilian placed the soft towel to their side, hoping they were applying enough pressure. Hell, hoping anything they were doing would actually help. What would they do if the stranger dies? In their apartment no less? 

They pushed the dread from their mind and thought of how they were going to get the blood out of everything. The towels they could wash, but the couch might not be salvageable...Wait. That's not important right now. Focus, Civilian. They mentally told themselves.

“I have some painkillers. Here, let me-”

“Painkillers won’t do shit.” The stranger said through gritted teeth.

"I mean, anything at this point will help. You might feel better if you would just let me take you to a hospital-”

“No.” 

“Why not? You have a problem with doctors or something?” Civilian questioned, frustration slipping into their voice. 

“No, they have a problem with me.” They replied. 

Civilian huffed. On the cusp of death and they're still acting like an ass. Maybe they should’ve left them in that alley after all. Civilian pressed harder, causing the stranger to grunt out in pain. They shot Civilian a fiery look. 

“Oh, did that hurt?” Civilian asked with faux sympathy, “I’m sorry my bedside manner isn’t up to your standards.”

“I didn’t ask for your help, you know. I would’ve been fine.”

“Oh, so I was supposed to leave you there to die? Yeah, no. That wasn’t going to happen.” 

The stranger looked at Civilian with pinched brows. “Why do you care anyway?”

Civilian held their gaze before shifting back to their hands, trying to figure out why they did care. “I guess it’s just human instinct. We don’t like to see people suffer.” 

The stranger scoffed at Civilian’s words. “Yeah, just like humans don’t mind hunting down their own kind for sport.” 

Civilian gave them a quick glance before placing another cloth over the now soaked through towel. “Can you say anything that isn’t angsty? Or is that a part of your ‘character’?” 

“Character?” The stranger asked, sounding almost offended. 

“You know, the mask and the costume. Is that character super edgy or do you talk like this all the time?”

Something stilled in the stranger, their eyes sharpening as they stared at Civilian. “You don’t know who I am, do you?” They asked slowly. 

“No…am I supposed to? I’m not super into comics or anything like that, so I probably wouldn’t know even if you tell me.” Civilian replied nonchalantly. 

“Does the name Venraire sound familiar to you?”

Civilian paused. Venraire was a big crime boss that caused mass destruction to the city a few years ago. Even though he was brought to justice, nothing could’ve made up for all the lives lost to him. Civilian slowly looked to the stranger, their heart thumping louder in their chest. A small smile traced the stranger’s lips, a darkness coming to their eyes. 

“He’s my father."

Oh shit.

To be continued...

[pnf-n-mcu-is-life]

Marvel Quotes I liked (gonna gradually add)

Avengers, Age of Ultron:

Strucker: “Keep going.” 

Agent: “But sir, They’re the avengers!”Literally two seconds later: 

Strucker: “No surrender!” *Turns to person* “I will surrender.” 

Nat: Could someone help with the bunker? Hulk: literally runs through the bunker, breaking it

Nat: thanks.

Tony, as the science dork he is: please be a secret door, please be a secret door, please be a secret door, yay! 🎉 

Scott, in Tony’s suit, instructing The Ants tm

Tony: who’s speaking???? 

Scott: it’s your conscience. We don’t talk a lot these days.

WandaVision: 

Ep. 5

Vision, turning back into human Vision: oh, Agnes, I was just fluffing this pillow, with my,….face. 

Ep. 6, Halloween:

Vision: *makes a pose like he’s about to shoot an arrow* I smell crime…

Darcy: Hey, there he is. The guy who almost got murdered by his own murder squad.

Director Hayward: You work for me?

Darcy: I actually don’t know.

Monica: *sighs*

Ep. 7, Breaking the fourth wall/ Wanda is having an existential crisis: 

Wanda: Look, we’ve all been there, right? Letting our fear and anger get the best of us, intentionally expanding the borders of the false world we created.

Billy: Do we have to go, Mom? Someone needs to be here to take care of you.

Agnes: Don’t worry, I don’t bite! 

…I actually did bite a kid once.

Ep. 8, Previously on:

Agnes/atha: C’mon. *Going to see Wandas worst memories*

Wanda: No.

Agnes/atha: Did you forget who’s got your kids locked away in her bewitched basement?

Dr. Strange:

Some bad guy: Mr. Strange…

Stephen: Doctor.

Guy: Mr. Doctor?

Stephen: It’s Strange.

Guy: Yes, I know that it’s strange.

Iron Man 2: 

Coulson, walking in: We need you for something.

Pepper: Oh hi Phil!

Tony: His name is Agent.

Spider-Man, FFH:

Peter: I-I can’t do this! I’m just your friendly neighbourhood Spider-Man.

Fury: Bitch, you been to space.

Peter: Wha-no- that was by accident!!

Fury: Too Bad.

Spider-Man, NWH:

Norman Osborn: Where exactly are we?

MJ, to the villains trapped in the sanctum: You’re in a wizard’s basement. 

Otto: What?

MJ: There’s no way to sugarcoat this. You’re trapped in a wizard’s basement.

 Tobey’s Peter: okay, Peter 3.

Andrew’s Peter: What? I thought I was Peter 2.

Tom’s Peter: Okay, okay. You’re Peter 2 (Tobey) and you’re Peter 3 (Andrew).

Green Goblin: *stabs Peter 2*

Peter 3: You okay?

Peter 2: Yeah, I’ve been stabbed before.

Peter 3: Ok, good good good.

[Just-the Peters. They’re so…brother. Y’know? And I live for it.

Also, I have resorted to calling Tom’s Peter Peter-Man.]

Wakanda Forever:

Riri: If we could find a way to dry his ass out, he won’t be as strong.

Shuri: Yo, that’s it.

Deadpool:

Wade, counting the bullets he has left while shooting people: 7, shit. 6, fuck, 5, shit-fuck.

Ant-Man and The Wasp, Quantumania:

Scott: You gotta jump and tap. *Knocks out a few people* See that?

Cassie: No, you were like, this small.

[WHY DOES REALISTIC MODOK LOOK LIKE THAT AhhhHHHHhhHHH]

Hawkeye:

Kate: Hey look, that one’s you. *points to Avenger cosplayers*

Clint: No, that’s Katniss Everdeen. Now, let’s go.

Jack: The secret to a good risotto is to…agitate it. Just enough.

Kate: So, how exactly?

Clint: *flashbacks to explosion after explosion* …

Guy with a thick accent who kiddnapped Clint: Kate Bishop is guy, bro.

Clint: Kate Bishop is not guy.

Guy: Kate BIshop is guy in costume.

Clint, Karen Edition: Can I speak to your manager? This is like talking to furniture.

Gotg Vol. 3

Peter: People on Earth die when they’re like, 50.

Mantis: They die when they’re 50???

P: I dunno, something like that.

M: What’s even the point of being born?

P: Exactly! [You good dude]

M: Are you about to die?

P, shocked: I’m not 50!

Mantis: What colour button did you push?

Peter: Blue, for the blue suit!

Nebula: Blue is the open line for everyone.

Mantis: Orange is for blue. Blue is for orange, Yellow is for green, green is for red, and red is for yellow.

Drax: No, Yellow is for yellow, green is for red, and red is for green.

Mantis: How do you know that?

Drax: Try it then.

Mantis, to Peter: HELLLOOOOO.

Peter, feedback ringing in his ears: How the hell was I supposed to know all of that?

Drax: Seems intuitive.

[somatheking]

Seven Nights At Soma's

In which in a sci-fi AU, you're the new communications officer at the Beach, one of Hatter's luxury space cruises. As part of your training, every day you receive tapes from an old employee explaining the ins and outs of the ship. However, it's not long until things start to sound... off.

Disclaimer: I mention several canon AiB characters in this, but rest assured that they aren't based on anyone's portrayal of them, only on my own interpretation.

Day 1: Slate 1 - 15/09/2023

Good morning! Or good evening, or good night. I’m not sure when you’re hearing this tape but I hope you decided to listen to it first thing after you woke up, mainly because it’s gonna help you get through the day. 

First off, let me give you the obligatory greeting (I’m reading this from a card I’ve got right here, so don’t mind me if I sound too weird): 

Welcome to the Beach! Combining classic elegance and cutting-edge innovation, our space cruises offer the latest in comfort, gastronomy, innovation, entertainment and onboard experience. Our new and improved spaceships are also pushing the boundaries of sustainable tourism, by employing robotic assistants as personnel so as to focus on environmental well-being and minimising waste… 

Sorry, sorry, I had to cut that short because I’m starting to laugh. Assistants, more like ASS-istants, am I right? Haha, yeah, it’s a funny word.

Anyways, yeah, I’m supposed to give you a rundown on your new job, although it isn’t precisely new, is it? Hatter told me he was thinking of filling the vacancy with someone who already worked here, but since I’m the vacancy, I’m not sure whether he ended up doing that or he simply hired someone new. Still, I figured you’d need some help, so I made you these tapes. Seven, one per day, which would cover the amount of time we need to get out of the Milky Way and into another galaxy, and after that you’ll literally be on your own. Well, I’ve only just recorded the one, so maybe I’m here saying it’s gonna be seven but it ends up being three, I don’t know. I guess we’ll see! Man, I’m more excited about this than you probably are, haha. 

As I told you before, I’m the guy you’re replacing. I was actually the ship doctor, but the previous communications officer left, so I had to replace him. Doing both jobs and only getting paid for one, which is pretty rough, but hey, we gotta do what we gotta do. You know how in the Barbie movie, Ken’s job was ‘beach’? Well, mine is doctor and comms officer, haha. I was actually friends with the guy that left, and I imagine I must’ve spent so much time hanging out with him that Hatter thought some knowledge passed on to me. I have to say, this ship mostly runs itself, so I didn’t have much trouble. And you won’t either!

Anyways, yeah, let’s talk about the elephant in the room and get it over with. You’re on a cruise where the vast majority of personnel are robots. It’s more efficient that way; as I said in the presentation, ‘environmental well-being and minimising waste’. There’s so many I’m not even sure I know all their names, but to be honest, they’re not gonna bother you much. So, how about instead we run over some of the people you’ll be working with?

First off, since you’re a comms officer, you’ll sadly have to keep in touch with Chishiya, who’s in charge of logistics. He’s, excuse my French, a huge ass bitch. Yeah, that’ll make more sense when you meet him, but mark my words, you’re gonna hate the guy. I did, so it makes sense that you will too. I don’t wanna keep talking about him, so let’s move on.

Oh, these aren't employees but I figure you could say hello to them since they're pretty nice. Arisu and Usagi are this couple who've been together for what seems like forever and they're so cute. You can feel the love radiating from them, it's like they were made for each other. They are so, so sweet; talking to them always brightened up my day. Sometimes I got claustrophobic here, and when that happened I usually went to them to cheer up. They… I don't know, this might sound stupid, but they reminded me that there's more things to life other than a job. 

You also have Kuina, who is an absolute sweetheart. She’s head of security, but she’s always super willing to help out if you need anything and she isn’t busy. Fortunately for her, this is a pretty tranquil ship; problems rarely arise here, at least the violent types. There hasn’t been any fights breaking out in… months? Probably even longer, yeah. Between you and me, I think the passengers are scared of doing something illegal in the presence of robots. They think they’re gonna bug out or something and accidentally kill them. Boy, Five Nights At Freddy’s really did a number on you all, huh? But yeah, Kuina. She trains once every three days, which means you'll get to see her. I recommend you go talk to her, but be careful not to bother her while she's training! Talking to her impacted me a lot, made me consider a lot of things about my life, plus, she’s very welcoming and one of the best people here. A literal ray of sunshine. 

Oh, God, it sounds like I have a crush, doesn’t it? Haha, no, no, it’s not like that. Well… no, not really. Now you’ve got me flustered, though. I guess I’m ending the tape here, then. I’ll see you tomorrow!

[consumed-by-fandom]

Every Postal 1 Voiceline cuz I’m a fucking nerd

I couldn't find any actual written collection of the voicelines from the og game, so I uh. Transcribed them myself. For no reason. So here you go if anyone wants them, and I might do redux after I play it.

Warning the list is really long so like don't click read more unless you're in a new tab or you don't mind scrolling lmao.

Taken from this very helpful video (check it out for optimal reading experience): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6usSBZeMWA

“Bleed.” (Twice)

“Let’s blow something up.”

“Buckwheat!”

“Burn.”

“Burn, baby, burn.”

“Buttsauce!”

“Smells like chicken.”

“Ooh, hole in one!”

“Sorry, I’m out of hot towels. Will this do?”

“This won’t affect my tip, will it?”

“You’re gonna need a massage after this.”

“You should’ve gone to Disneyland.”

“I could really kill for a massage right now.”

“Get ‘em, they’re stealing all the tennis balls!”

“Sorry, he checked out already.”

“Who peed in the pool?”

“Ah, alternative lifestyles.”

“Awh, rip the birthday suit.”

“Nudity is offensive.”

“Some people have no sense of decency.”

“You must be freezing, lemme warm you up.”

“Watch it wriggle, rich bastards.”

“Now do you agree that the customer is always right?”

“Forget the brown bag, you need a body bag.”

“Shut the ten items or less crap, bastard.”

“What do you mean this lane is closed? Now it is!”

“What do you mean this lane is closed? It is now!”

“I can’t stand bastards with coupons.”

“Sorry, no refunds ma’am.”

“Would you like a free sample?”

“Clean up on isle five.”

“Now that’s a blue light special!”

“Here’s your low price guarantee.”

“Proudly made in the USA, baby.”

“What do you mean you don’t take plastic?”

“What? You don’t sell Postal?” (Twice)

“Ugh, smells like sour milk.”

“Ahh, nothing like the smell of burning government cheese in the morning.”

“Listen. Can you hear the property values going up?”

“Gotta love welfare reform.”

“Do it quietly. Wouldn’t wanna wake up the neighborhood, would ya?”

“You maniacs, you blew it up! …Oh wait, that was me.”

“You should remain still when injured. Here, lemme help you.”

“What a mess… we can’t have anything nice.”

“What? You’re pinned down? Lemme help.”

“Shake it up, baby!”

“Wow, this grenade works great!”

“I’ll see you in hell. (Laughter)”

“Aww, do you have a boo-boo?”

“Eat lead, sucker!”

“Today is a good day to die!”

“The exterminator’s back!”

“You’re gonna pay for that.”

“I am the angel of death.”

“Show no mercy.”

“Damn, I’m good.”

“Death is my master.”

“Death is my friend.”

“Do you smell something burning?”

“Feel my wrath, dog.”

“Die like the dog you are.”

“Mmm, I love a good barbecue.”

“Judge, jury and executioner.”

“Is it hot in here, or is it just me?”

“Killing is good for the soul.”

“Die, weakling!”

“Wussy.”

“All must die.”

“Prosecution rests.”

“Case dismissed.”

“Checked out early.”

“Keep the change.”

“Satisfaction guaranteed.”

“Is there a doctor in the house?”

“Beg for this.”

“Die.” (Twice)

“Don’t be a sissy.”

“Only you can stop the evil.”

“Feel the heat.”

“Get ‘em!” (Twice)

“Going, going, gone.” (Twice)

“Good one.” (Twice)

“Going Postal.”

“Hoo-hah!”

“He’s outta there!”

“See you in hell!”

“I like it hot.”

“Kickin’ ass.”

“(Laughter)” (twice)

“They never liked you.”

“I regret nothing!”

“Oh, baby.”

“O.J!”

“Only my weapons understand me.”

“Postal.”

“Sissy.”

“Slam!”

“Ooh, did that hurt?” (Twice)

“Do it for the gibber!”

“The gun knows.”

“You’re the man.”

“Only my weapon understands me.”

“Yes!” (Twice)

[ask-hannah-blog]

At first I thought I just had some bad take-out but I've been having horrible gas all weekend. What the heck is going on! I can't stop burping and farting! I feel so bloated...

Hmmm we got a little gas ball on our hands.

When you say bad take out, I’m guessing you were at some greasy fast food restaurant you’ve never seen before?

Yeah those things are a breeding ground for tfs. From rednecks, to pigs. From the sound of it you’re going through a slob tf, my condolences.

The gas is just the first step hehe…

Besides those yummy burps, and sexy little (or massive) toots, you’re going to go through some more really fun changes! You’re probably going to get a whole lot hungrier, more fuel for more farts, but most importantly fat! Slobs get fat fat fat, so plan on getting some stretch pants in the near future.

Don’t worry about the wardrobe change you’re going to lose all interest in fashion after a bit. Tank tops and sweat pants will do for you. I wouldn’t even worry about a bra, you probably won’t. You’re going to get reeeeeeal lazy too, so do all your work finding a lawyer and slob doctor now now now, it’s going to get more impossible for you to care by the hour. And rent is due one way or another.

Also hire a maid service or you’re going to be drowning in your own trash. They’re are companies that have specialized maids who are given a slob fetish so make sure you hire from one of them.

And be prepared to stink! It’s not just going to be farts and chili dog burps. Even as you’re reading this you’re probably noticing your swampy pits, your pussy becoming sour and ripe, you won’t care but make sure you warn friends and family. It can be pretty shocking.

And the best part is the hair. Hairy legs, a downright forest of rubes, and if you’re lucky a happy trail that leads right to your deep sweaty belly button! 😋

But most of all it’s going to be the pits. Hairy like a carpet, sweaty, smelly. Oh they’ve got it all, they’re going to become your new sex. Maybe not as powerful as your hairy pussy or overactive asshole, but you won’t say no to squeezing a dick in there and letting your beaux tangle your forest up with his jizz.

You’re going to notice yourself scratching your armpits a lot. What you probably won’t notice is you sniffing your fingers after, or sucking on them, or the way you rub your neck and face with your dripping wet hand after.

It’s your signature smell of course you want it to be your new perfume. And of course you’re going to want to rub up against everything like a Randy cat, spreading your scent, marking your territory.

Obviously your love life is going to suffer, you’ll be horny as hell stuck on a cloud of your own funk, but you’ll be stuck satisfying your own needs because dating is so much work, as if you could find a guy to date your rank ass anyway.

So your only hope is to have a lover now, and get him hooked on your stink. You gotta start now, while it’s not too toxic.

Start rubbing your sweat on his things so he gets acclimated to it. “Accidently” fart during sex so you can train him to like the smell. Give him a blow job while laying on your stomach so your feet are nice and close to his face. It would be worth it to try some kinky play where you tie him up and stuff dirty socks or panties in his mouth. He’ll be your slavish pig before you know it!

Ms. Hannah!

[thiefoflight68]

I Will Always Love You

Snippet of my latest Long FanFic

A fun Bakusquad/Bakudeku/OjiroxShinso story about a rock band and their antics, troubled past and new romances.

Phone buzzing, Izuku stopped pulling it from his pocket, “hey guys, it’s my uncle,” he ran catching up to the group. “I gotta take this.”

“We’ll be in this store here, come find us when you’re done.” Shinso started towards the door, seeing Katsuki follow Midoriya, he grabbed his arm. “He’s fucking fine for ten minutes.”

“Let the fuck go, you’ve been dragging me out shopping for a fucking month, I’m done.”

“No, you’re done when we find what we need. Fuck, come on, I have some new ideas for us.” Tugging him through the door, he shot a look back to Izuku, he was sitting at a small table by the front door. “See he’s right there.”

“Make it fucking quick,” Katsuki clicked his tongue, watching as Kiri and Sero were already pulling clothes off the rack.

“Fuck, I love thrift shops,” Sero pulled a leather cowboy hat off a shelf, “whaddya think Yuga?” Putting it on, he spun around for him.

“Get that,” Yuga pulled it off his head, putting it on his own.

“Oh yeah, fuck, we gotta get that,” Sero’s eyes wide, his man looked outrageously sexy.

“Here, try this on,” Shinso handed Katsuki a shirt and vest combo.

“What the fuck is this shit, I’m good.” He pushed it back to him.

“Just go fucking try it on already, ten fucking minutes, the band, remember us? Ten damn minutes.” Shinso’s face was bright red.

“I fucking remember you, but this is stupid.”

“Fine,” Shinso leered at Katsuki, thrusting his hips up against his body as he squeezed his firm ass. “Go ahead and cuddle up to that sweet hole that you can’t have. Get me that much closer to landing this one.”

“You’re getting really close to dying Freak, I’m not fucking kidding.” Ripping the clothes out his hand, Katsuki stalked to the fitting rooms in the back.

Digging through the next rack, Shinso could feel eyes on him, he spun around. “I know you’re my bodyguard, but could you fucking guard me by standing outside?”

“You’ve been pushing him hard Toshi, especially in the concerts, he’s gonna snap on you.”

“What the fuck do you know driver? I’ve known him since he was a pup, believe me I know how far to go with him.” Purple eyes gleamed, “talk about someone bending to a strong hand.”

“Bakugou?” Ojiro shook his head, “never, other way around, he needs a soft touch.”

“What are you? Some fucking psycho analytical doctor or something?” He glared at him. Turning back to the clothes on the rack , he tried to focus on what he was looking for, he felt him move closer. Shinso clenched his jaw, the fucker had pulled back from him so fast it’d made his head spin. He’d warned him, so it hadn’t been a shock, or so he thought, but the fucking whirlwind of emotions that had been cascading through his mind since that day had been a huge surprise. It really pissed him off.

“I know people, always have and right now I can see you’re angry, fucking going 100 miles an hour to destruction.”

“Well that happens when someone fucks around with me.” Shinso turned on his heel to move to the next rack, Ojiro’s hand gripped his arm stopping him.

“I didn’t fuck around with you, I stepped outta line for about two seconds, but if you recall I was clear about everything after that. This is my damn job.” Ojiro’s nostrils flared, his mouth set, “my fucking life.”

“So do your job and go outside and guard me, leave me alone. I’ll follow your rules and won’t be a dick to anyone in this store, except for Bakugou.”

“And me.”

Flashing him a fake smile, he smiled sarcastically, “and you.” He heard him breathe out heavily before heading to the door, the store beeper going off as he stepped outside. Squeezing the cloth of the shirt in his hand tightly, Shinso closed his eyes. He hated that the asshole never got irritated, that he couldn’t push him like Katsuki. He hated that he was so fucking close all the time, but mostly he hated that he couldn’t be with him.

“Hey Shinso, what about these boots? Check ‘em out!” Kiri pulled down some purple boots, “they look like Daphne boots!” He laughed running over to him.

“Fuck you Kiri,” he tried to shake himself from his thoughts. Looking at the purple boots, he blinked, “shit those are nice, what size are they?”

Taking his uncle’s call Izuku found a spot by a coffee shop next to the store they’d entered. The entire street was lined with strange shops, he spotted at least four thrift shops, a smoke shop and what appeared to be a men’s lingerie shop.

“Midoriya.”

“Hey Mr. Aizawa, what’s up?”

“Not good news, they blocked our first try, minors are protected like crazy in this industry, so we’re going back showing that Eighth is doing the same thing.”

“Oh, okay, any news on the release of the promo?”

“No, but someone leaked this morning that the tour is starting in three months, my guess it will be soon, probably in the next few weeks.”

“Meantime Eri just sits and waits.”

“At least she’s back in school now, something to do.”

“I guess,” Izuku frowned, he felt like Eri was being strung along, “I’m sure she’s not happy though,” his voice irked, he picked at the wooden table with his nail.

“I’m doing what I can!” Shota shot back. “Go read the contract yourself,” he snarled, “I left you a damn copy.”

“Sorry,” Izuku murmured, “I know you’re trying.”

“Look, this is going to be tough and it may never happen. She could be stuck in that shitty contract. The only other breach clause is defamation of character, that can be tough, I’ve never seen anyone go down for that.”

“Defamation?”

“To do something that ruins your image to the point of making no money, or fans leaving you. Usually with stars its the other way around, most fans go nuts over stars being stupid. The P.V.’s don’t even have it in their contract, hell, I want them to go around and fuck with stuff, gets them on the news.”

“Oh, yeah.”

Shota tapped his fingers on his desk, he could hear the disappointment in his nephew’s voice, he leaned back in his chair. “At least the P.V.'s are doing well, that video, nice job, looks like it made the top ten today.” He clicked on a webpage plastered with The Pointless Vandals, it seemed like they were everywhere now. “I also like the interview you did live with Todoroki, it’s been picked up by several international music outlets.”

“Really?” Izuku was happy for Todoroki, he hadn’t been able to scoop him with Eri, so an exclusive interview around the new video had been his way of apologizing.

“Really, I just emailed you some stuff, I’ve got three different countries asking for them to tour.”

Sitting up straight Izuku looked into the store, he could only see Sero and Yuga, “international?”

“Yeah, good job, I always thought it was Midnight with the Lollipops but maybe it was you?”

“NO, no it was Midnight, I learned from her.” He heard his uncle chuckle softly.

“I like managers that don’t backstab either. Midoriya, when you get back, if you’re dead set on going home, I won’t stop you.” Shota hefted a sigh, “but damn, you’ve got something here. If you gotta fuck him, do it, but could you think about where this band could go with you?” The silence on the other end was deafening, he smiled, “Okay, sorry, you’re the one, the wedding fund is going into place. Think about it though, okay? Look at the email and let’s work on dates.” He hung up the phone. Spinning around in his chair, he stared at the huge poster of the idiots. How did this fucking shitty band turn it around so fast? Could it really be his bumbling nephew? Whatever the reason, they were starting to fill the hole the Lollipops had left behind.

Tucking his phone in his pocket, Izuku peered in the store, he didn’t see anyone. Ojiro was leaning on the wall by the entrance. “They still inside?”

“Yep.”

Glancing at the male lingerie shop, Izuku thought for a moment, “do you mind telling them I went to buy a shirt? Text me if you leave, there’s something I want to look at for a moment.” He blushed a deep red, “alone,” he added quietly.

“Sure,” Ojiro smiled, “this street’s got everything.”

“Yes it does,” Izuku smiled wistfully, crossing quickly with the light.

Ojiro laughed, Bakugou was one fucking lucky bastard. Manager and band member seemed to be working, but again, they were on tour, in close quarters, what about later? He hoped Midoriya was thinking this through. Walking to the small café he bought an iced coffee. He felt a pang as another rush of emotions hit him, fuck, was he going to regret not pursuing the purple brat? He’d been so close to taking the next step, teetering precariously. Seeing him with another person had laid him low. He couldn’t shake the image of his arm around her waist, fuck, not a moment went by where he didn’t think about him, what might’ve happened. What if Vlad hadn’t thrown him a fucking lifeline and reeled him back to safety? He was thankful, even if it did hurt like hell, at least he knew where he stood now. His own life was easy, not twisted and fucked up like his. He needed to stay impassive and cold, it was his specialty, they didn’t call him the machine for fucking nothing. Swirling his coffee cup, he drank, letting the bitter liquid soak on his tongue.

The shop was small, sandwiched between a thrift store and a shoe store, Izuku looked in the window at the display of sexy G-strings for men. Kacchan had liked his jocks, he’d worn the pairs he had, Izuku sighed, but nothing seemed to entice him to play with his ass. At first, he’d thought it was because of his inexperience but lately Kacchan seemed to avoid his butt altogether, focusing on masturbating in every way imaginable. Grabbing the door handle, he paused, everything they’d been doing together was incredible but he’d hoped for more. Biting his lip, he glanced back across the street, maybe Kacchan just needed a nudge, he went inside before anyone saw him.

“Hey.”

A soft voice in the back of the store caught Izuku’s attention, a man stood in front of a pile of multi-colored underwear, he was clipping tags on them. “Oh, hi.” Izuku stared at all the merchandise, eyes wide.

“Need something in particular?”

“Um, underwear?” Izuku looked at the wall of underwear and clothing that were for all kinds of fetishes.

“What are you into?”

“Nothing like this,” Izuku pointed to a leather outfit with chains. “I’m looking for something that would be similar to a jock, but,” his face burned a bright red.

“Sexier?” the man laughed, walking over to a rack. “These are great, some in different fabrics and colors.” He waved him over, “let me look at you.” Izuku walked over to him cautiously.

“Look at me?”

A smile cut across his face, “your ass, lemme see it, that way I can pick something out for you.”

“Oh,” Izuku's cheeks bloomed another shade redder, he turned around pulling his pants tight around his butt. The man whistled low. Izuku looked in the mirror at himself, “what?”

“Fucking Shangri-la that ass there.”

“Shangri-la? You mean the city from the book?”

“Yeah, imaginary, made up,” he looked at his backside again. “Your ass, it’s like a drawing or something, don’t see many like it, round at the top, but with a full smooth curve. If you ever need a job, you could be a model for underwear like these, every man in the world would buy this shit if it was on your ass.”

“Um, thank you?” Izuku wasn’t sure to be offended or flattered.

“I’m flatter, so I go with that style there.” He pointed to another pair of underwear, “gives a fuller look, but you,” he glanced at his ass again, “just need to frame that Mona Lisa.” Laughing at his own joke he dug through the styles. “Whoever gets to see this on you is one lucky man,” he winked.

“I guess.”

“You guess? Believe me, he’s very happy.”

“I suppose, not sure,” Izuku mumbled. The man held up two pairs from the rack, his eyebrows raised.

“That wasn’t a very confident answer.”

“I like that one,” Izuku pointed to a black pair that had a thick netting fabric. The back appeared to be circular.

“Good choice, want to try it on?”

“Can I?” The attendant handed it to him.

“Try this one too, I think he’d like it as well.”

Taking both garments, Izuku followed him to a small closet that had been turned into a fitting room. “Thanks, I’ll be right out.” He closed the door and began undressing.

“Are you trying to spice things up with these?” The clerk waited but there was no answer. “Sorry, if I’m being rude, I’ll leave you alone.” He wandered back to his pile.

Letting out a sigh of relief as he heard him head back to the counter, Izuku pulled on the first pair and the guy was right, they framed his butt perfectly. If this didn’t move their sexual games to his backside, he was ready to give up. Pulling his pants back on he approached the clerk, “do you have any like these in red?” He held up the pairs he had tried on.

“Yeah, we sure do, they looked good?” He laughed as he caught the mischievous glimmer in his green eyes. “It's fun to seduce your man, right?”

“It is, and you’re right, I’m trying to spice things up, well more like get things going.”

“Going? Is your man not into those sweet cheeks?

“He says he is,” Izuku leaned on the counter and sighed, “but he doesn’t do anything, you know, from behind, he wants to go slow.” He laughed harshly, “honestly I’m getting a little desperate.” Izuku closed his mouth shut, he’d just spilled his sexual frustrations to a complete stranger.

“Go slow, what do you mean?”

“Well, we only do things from the front, um” Izuku played with the underwear, “he never touches my butt, well except for a pat or squeeze.”

“Uh, sweetie your man, he’s not a bottom, is he?”

“A what?”

The clerk thinned his lips, “oh honey, let’s back up and start with you. From this underwear that you're buying I’m guessing you prefer to be the one getting, well not sure how to say this even delicately, getting it?”

“OH! Um, I think so, yeah,” Izuku blushed, “I tried a few things once and it seemed to be enjoyable.”

The shopkeeper looked at him closely, “sweetie have you even had sex?” The flame of red on his cheeks answered his question. Eyeing him, he moved to another display, “let’s back up another step. As one bottom to another, let me help you out. If your partner is a top, and,” He looked at him pointedly, “you need to figure that out right away.” Shaking his head, he looked back inside the display. “If he is a top, and you’re a virgin, what you need to do is prep. He’s right in that regard, you gotta go slow and get ready. These are the best we have.” He pointed to a shelf in the cabinet.

“What are they?” The entire shelf was filled with various toys, “oh, I’ve seen these before.” Another wave of red washed over him, Izuku touched his cheeks, he was never going to be any color but red in this store.

“This one,” he reached into the cabinet pulling out a box, “it’s soft, not thick and has a small end, you could go jogging with this thing in, I started with this one.” Leaning down he whispered wickedly, “wearing one now.”

“You are!” Izuku couldn’t help it, he stared at his ass. “Sorry,” his eyes darted back to the plug.

“Don’t be, it sounds like you don’t have anyone to talk to, I really don’t mind,” he held up his hands, “look where I work. I’m basically a sex therapist, just a whole lot cheaper.”

“I guess so, but how does this work?”

“It’ll soften you up, it’ll make it easier for him and then, well maybe he won’t be as worried about the first time.”

“You said I could jog in it?”

“Yeah, sure can, might make you cum though, so I wouldn’t go out very far,” He giggled, pushing two across towards him.

“Wait cum?”

“They’re supposed to make things feel good, if it doesn’t, then honey, don’t stick anything else in there.”

“Oh, okay,” Izuku laughed nervously. “Why two?”

“Work up, not sure how big your man is, this one is small,” he lifted the first box, “and this one is bigger,” he pointed to the second one. “You need to get as close to his size as possible.” He pointed to a row of dildos, “any of these look like him?”

“Uh,” Izuku studied all of the items in the cabinet, “these are all too small.”

“Fuck,” he blanched, “it’s always the big ones, huh?” Walking to a shelf he pulled down another box, “you can add this to the mix but this might be more challenging.” He handed him a larger dildo. He watched as his green eyes grew wide. “More his size?” He chuckled.

“Yes,” Izuku nodded, “this is much closer,” adding it to his pile, the attendant went quiet.

“Closer? Okay look, you need to start wearing one of these today, like now.” Reaching up he grabbed a tube of lube, “I’ll throw this in on the house.”

“Now?” Izuku squeaked.

“Sweetie, if he’s a top, who’s that big,” he pointed to the dildo, “and you show up wearing that underwear, you need to get things ready.” Ringing him up, he pointed to a small door. “Bathroom in the back, holler if you need help,” he smiled.

“Thanks, I think I can handle this, are you sure it’s okay?”

“Why do you think we have a bathroom?” He shooed him into the back.

“Where the fuck is he?” Katsuki looked up and down the sidewalk.

“He said he wanted to go into a store he saw, something about a shirt,” Ojiro kept his face straight.

“Fuck,” he glanced into the store, Sero was still paying for his hat and some clothes for Yuga. “Which way?”

“He said he’ll text us.”

“Why do I feel like you’re both up to something?” Katsuki clicked his tongue.

“What the fuck do I care if he buys a shitty shirt?” Throwing his now empty coffee container into the recycle bin, Ojiro stretched. “How many more places is he going to drag us to?”

“Fuck, I don’t know, he’s in a damn mood, could take him a while to blow off steam.”

“This really does it for him?”

“Yeah, but he’s worked up hard right now.” He raised a brow accusingly at Ojiro.

“Don’t look at me, I didn’t do anything.”

“Maybe that’s his problem.”

“I’m a damn driver asshole, not some fancy ass musician or manager, I live a different life, so leave me the fuck alone.” Pushing into the store, he walked to the counter where Sero was laughing with Yuga. “What’s next?”

Holding his bag tightly in his hands Izuku came back into the small shop, he’d given up trying to stop blushing, it was impossible. The clerk beamed at him.

“Well?”

“Uh, yeah, it all fits.”

“That’s good, by the way be careful.”

“Be what?” Izuku’s brows shot up.

“Your ass, it’s nice, but because of your shape it’ll move things around a little more than usual, so you might feel it faster than others, get my drift?”

“Move things? Okay, I think I understand.” Izuku sighed, what had he gotten himself into? “Thanks for your help,” he pushed the door open to leave.

“Oh! And if he turns out to be a bottom, just use the dildo on him.” The clerk called out laughing.

Izuku stared at him for a moment, the thought of using the dildo on Kacchan just about dropped him to the floor. 

[harleythealter]

I disassociated so hard in the dentist today and then vaguely thought “I wonder who’s present rn. I wonder who’s processing all of this for me?” and brought myself bad to the full reality of what was happening to me. And it was painful. What a horrible way to resurface.

And then ontop of that I had this horrible(imo) interaction with somebody. It got quiet. The kind of quiet it gets when you’re having a staring contest. And so whenever she’d explain to me the devastation of my teeth, she’d pause and my brain just started going fucking nuts because “this is where you say something” echoed inside my head but I knew for a fact it was not. Anyways. That was the most painful explanation ever. But I really appreciated this new dentist for actually explaining what they were doing to me and what they were looking at and let me see the pictures they took and helped me comprehend them.

Which. Both terrified me because I’ve had a clean dental record for damn near 7 years or something wild and suddenly I go to a new dentist and they’re like… haha… uhm here’s 7 cavities. It’s going to cost over $1300. (In a professional way tho). And I’m pissed off because when they explained how they spotted the cavities on two of my teeth I was like… I think those have been there since my last checkup where the old dentist said I’m all good. And I’m so confused now. But I didn’t say that because it was so awkward. Thank fuck my mom wasn’t there to see the initial check in.

Also why do adults go into so much detail about how painful it is to have cavities when we’re kids. When I was a child I thought “that sounds horrible” and shrugged it off. Now as an adult I see the great fear.

Also like. Will they let me wear my noice cancelling headphones while they work on the cavities? I’m so fucking scared. Adults really gotta figure out what not to say around children with the belief that there won’t be consequences.

Anyways. We talked about flossing and when my teeth were being cleaned, the person helping could hardly get the flosser between some of the teeth. It was so hard to explain to the doctor who did the real evaluation that like. I get discouraged by how hard it is. I can’t get around my retainer or back by my wisdom teeth(I have a jaw locking problem weird ass thing and can’t open my mouth much). And I want to floss but I don’t know how. So they gave me a whole bunch of tools and she suggested something expensive or something that basically blasts water at my teeth to help with flossing. So… there’s that. We’ll see if the other stuff works first. It’s not that I don’t want to floss but I cut my fingers open with flosser string cuz I saw so much to get it into my teeth. But floss picks shred after one tooth.

At least my new dentist is super kind.

They were like. Wanna set up your 6 month cleaning. And I had to awkwardly think like… we go once every two years but uhm… sure. Well that failed cuz I’m gone during the six month period so I’m basically going back in 11 months.

Im so scared to tell my mom about what they found. And even more scared to go back.

[milady-pink]

Waitress AU

Warnings: Food/baking, domestic abuse, unplanned pregnancy, cheating

Summary: Working at a dead end job, waitress Christine soon finds herself with a new problem: an unplanned pregnancy. Life is all about trying to find the sweet spots and luckily this pie genius has a new (and pretty adorkably sexy) OBGYN, who isn’t too happy at home either.

TL;DR Quirky cute and sexy Erik as a doctor, lab coat and all.

Word Count: 1058 || Graphics: @firefly-graphics

"The Negative "

Recipe Book

AO3

“What the hell are y’all doin’?” 

“This is a female emergency, Piangi! Your testosterone filled mind wouldn’t comprehend.” Replied Meg, said with not a drop of hostility.

Huffing out a frustrated breath from the antics of his waitstaff. Crossing his hairy arms he calls into the women’s bathroom, “There’s no one on the floor! Am I gonna have to put on a waitress uniform myself?” 

Poking her red-beehive out, Carlotta responds, “The blue would do numbers for your figure”, before closing the door once again.

Brows furrowed in anger, Piangi threatens the girls. “Need I remind you that I can fire your ass—”

“Sorry Piangi we can’t hear you—water’s running”, Carlotta cuts him off.

At the end of his wit, the chef tries one last time to regain control of the situation. “Get out here! I am only gonna say it once….This is the last time I’ll say it!” Walking away, defeated, he lets out an aggravated, “dammit”. 

Back behind his grill, he cocks the antics of his female workers as hysteria.

Now that the three light-blue dressed women were alone, Carlotta once again presented the pregnancy test to Christine, with Meg right there filling up a disposable cup with sink water.

“I gotta get back to my table” she trains to reason, wanting to be in any other musty, dimly-lit bathroom than this one.

Not having any of it, Carlotta crosses her arms and snarks, “Chrissy, it’s time.”

“You’ve been nauseous every mornin’ this week,and its only Wednesday.” Pipes in Meg, offering her the water.

Realizing she won’t be getting out anytime soon, Christine shared,”I don’t wanna know”, in a mumble.

“You’ve waited too long as it is.” Pushed Carlotta.

“It might just be a fluke! Don’tcha wanna know?” Asked Meg.

After some time of considering things, Christine took the test reluctantly, and went into one of the stalls shutting the door behind her. She heard Meg say in concern, “I hope you drank enough” through the metal door. 

“Ya ever done one of these before?” Questioned Carlotta from the sinks. 

“No”

The redhead points her nail file at Meg. “Read the instructions to her”, she told the blonde.

Squinting her eyes to read the fine printing on the pink and blue box, Meg started. “Se puede saber la duración—”

Carlotta quickly cut her off. “English, Meg, English!”

“Oh”, she exclaimed, “do not insert the test stick into your vagina!” She replied, happy to be of service.

“Thanks”, snarked the older woman, earning her a gleeful smile in return. She turns her attention to the waitress in the stall, “How did this happen anyway?”

“Yeah”, joined Meg, “I thought you didn’t sleep with your husband much nowadays?”

“Uh—well, it was after that girl’s night, few weeks ago, and I was wearing that stupid red dress.” Christine groaned, frustrated from her past behavior. Hindsight is 20/20.

“Oh! I love that red dress—the way it shines in the light! Reminds me of those figure skatin’ outfits they wear on TV!” Trailed off Meg, easily distracted by the smallest details.

Carlotta, not one to forget the catastrophe at hand, grabs Meg by the shoulders and shakes her. “Focus Megan!”

“Anyway”, continued Christine, used to her friends’ antics, “I came home and he was sittin’ on the couch with two beers. He got me drunk and, next thing led to another….Now I’m sittin’ on the toilet tryin’ to accurately pee on a piece of plastic.”

Trying to be helpful, the blonde questions aloud, “Maybe his ‘boys’ don’t swim as well as they used to, ya know?”

“Or maybe my life is ruined because of one stupid mistake.” Christine asks as she opens the door to her stall, leaving its confines; pregnancy test in hand.

“Or, you’re perfectly fine and just gotta head cold! One night is hardly enough time for… that.” She emphasized by staring at Christine’s stomach.

Rolling her eyes, she hands the stick back over to Carlotta. “Now what?”

“Now, we wait.” Making her point clear by starting the timer on her watch for three minutes. All three girls watch Carlotta place the test on the sink, window side down. 

“Gah, my mind is racing! I feel like I can’t breathe, I’m panicking real bad!” Christine discloses to her two closest friends.

“Everything will be okay, what’s the worst that could happen?” Meg asked the other two.

Carlotta decided to answer her while Christine paced back-and-forth in the small restroom. “Well, Chrissy could get stuck with a parasite that she won’t be able to get rid of until the thing’s eighteen years old!” As she spoke her voice steadily rose until almost screaming at the last word.

“Oh”

“Yeah”

Fed up with how her friends were speaking as if she wasn’t in the same room, and whose life was really at stake, she decided to break their bickering. “Enough! The only way I’m gonna survive this won’t be with you two going on and on.” By now she had stopped pacing, choosing instead to stand in one place with her hands on her cheeks, eyes closed and head pointed upwards. “Dear God, send me a sign that these three minutes in the women’s restroom at the diner with these two crazies,” this earned her offended looks from her colleagues, “be the last few minutes of peace in my life.”

The other girls, who had watched their friend say a desperate prayer, each mumbled a quiet, “amen”.

Taking a deep breath, Christine crossed her arms over her stomach and looks to Carlotta. “How much longer?” 

As the redhead opened her mouth to speak, her watch’s timer went off giving Christine her answer. All three restroom occupants looked towards the test sitting on the sink ledge, then to the woman of the hour who had to live with whatever results it gave. 

Slowly walking over to the sink, getting a pat on the arm from Meg as she went, Christine looked down at the test, then back up at the mirror in front of her. Picking up the test, window side still down, she closes her eyes and flips the stick over. With a final breath of air, she opens her eyes and looks at the test’s answers. Seeing the result, she makes eye contact with herself through the mirror and lets out a sigh.

“Shit.”

[mental-health-advice]

A really close friend of mine (the only person that i can probly trust) tried to commit suicide recently but he failed.

He took a full box of some drug but it didnt work as he excepted.

I was texting him the whole night tryna talk out of it and it really wore me out.

The day after the attempt he said this is awkward and now we gotta pretend like it never happened.

And i was always the therapist in our friendship and im not so sure if i can do this anymore.

I know he is still hurting but im not really in the state to give him any more advice rn im going through my own shit as well but i dont want him to feel like a burden as well.

And even before the attempt he would ask me we are just kinda ignoring the situation rn but when it cames up again idk what we will do.

I know this isnt the healthiest way but we are still both young ass ppl who dont know anything and i wanna help him but im too tired as well what can we do?

Hey there,

I think in this situation it’s really important that you recognize your own limits which you have done in not being able to keep supporting your friend as you once were anymore. You are important too and you need to make sure that you are looking after yourself instead of always just supporting your friend. Perhaps you could chat to your friend about different supports that are available out there and let them know that even though you do want to be there for them as a support as needed, that perhaps them having more professional help would be really beneficial for them, as it may be for you too.

Have you checked out the support services that are available in your local community. If not, sometimes going and talking to your local doctor or GP can be a great starting point and so too can going to your local community hub if you have one and asking about relevant services that are available. There is also the option of seeking some help and support from a counsellor on the phone or on web counselling and especially in times of crisis as this will also take the pressure off of you if your friend is feeling suicidal and contemplating suicide. This may also be helpful for you too as sometimes just talking to someone and/ or venting about what is going on for you can really help.

Let your friend know that you care about them greatly but that unfortunately with you both being so young still, that you don’t and won’t always have the right things to say to them or be able to at times give the best advice and so consequently them seeking professional support may be good for them to look into. And if you feel comfortable (completely OK if you don’t) you could also maybe go with them when they see their doctor/ GP or check out services together that may be helpful for them. Just because you can no longer support them as you once did, does not mean you can’t help them out with finding adequate support and help for them.

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!

I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!

Take care,

Lauren

[harlowsbby]

Since I'm working my ass off over here please write something for me. Jack coming home late at night from tour to see the reader sleeping in his shirt. Thank you 💕

Wants and Needs

Jack’s tour “Come Home The Kids Miss You” was in full effect it was now day four of tour and sadly you had gotten sick the doctor said it was due to traveling through all of the different time zones and the lack of sleep you’ve gotten had taken it’s tole on your body.

Jack was a bit hesitant at leaving you alone in the hotel room while he performed he was willing to cancel tonight to make sure you were safe and being taken care of correctly it took you multiple times to reassure him that you were okay and could handle yourself.

Jack was texting you none stop even though you found it adorable it got annoying real fast and at one point you had to put him on do not disturb but that didn’t help because he had workers that worked in the hotel knocking on your door and making sure you were okay.

After you showered you weren’t really in the mood to wear much to bed so you settled on one of Jack’s shirts which stopped right by your thighs before climbing into bed. The last thing you remember seeing before you fell asleep was what you assumed a text from Jack.

“She isn’t answering I’ve sent her like over twenty messages before the show and she hasn’t returned not one!!” Jack yelled at Neelam and Urban, he had just wrapped up his show in Sacramento and was on his way back to the hotel room.

“Maybe she’s resting Jack she is sick you know.”

“Yeah what Neelam said you gotta tune it down some and realize Y/N isn’t a child Jack she’s a grown women.” Urban told him but Jack wasn’t hearing any of it all that was on his mind was you and making sure you were okay.

When they arrived to the hotel Jack didn’t even give the drive a chance to put the suv in park before he swung the door open and was running towards the hotel room.

“Come on where’s the damn key.” He patted and searched his pockets and huffed before remembering the key was a digital key. Taking his phone out he quickly scanned it under door and practically swung the door open.

As soon as he got inside his once beating heart settled and his furrowed eyebrows finally relaxed seeing your sleeping form, what made him melt and love you even more if possible was the fact that you were wearing his red Louisville jersey he wore for forecastle.

“My baby girl.” He coo’d and moved a few fallen strains of hair from your face. He admired you for a few seconds and couldn’t help but to peck your lips, your nose scrunched up a bit at the feeling and you opened your eyes slowly seeing Jack.

“Jack? Why are you all sweaty for. How was the show I missed you a lot.”

Jack knew the reason as to why he was so sweaty is because he was running around the hotel trying to get to the room.

“I’m sweaty for many reasons baby.. that I won’t name but I’m gonna shower and I’ll join you in bed okay.”

“Okay..I love you Jack.”

“I love you too baby even though you had my ass stressing.” He went and showered and after laid right next to you and brought you into his chest.