#of course I am open to any guidance from people who know more than me

[x22817]

^sock torture initiated

I am putting my foot down (pun intended)

I have been thinking about this for months. Thank you @oleander-sd for inspiring me to try this again.

Hek hates wearing boots. I don't blame her! Her dew claws rub if she wears them for more than 5 minutes. I have tried every trick I have seen or heard on the internet. Over the last few years, we have tried 5 different kinds of booties. Each one either makes her bleed or falls off every few minutes. I have tried wrapping her feet under the booties. I have tried just wrapping the dew claws themselves.

^ not the happiest camper but will do it for the freeze dried chicken and salmon I have. I had to go to the ER in 6° weather, so she didn't have much of a choice

I make her wear them when there is snow/ ice and salt on the ground. During the summer, we just walk on the grass (thankfully, we are in an area where we can do this), or we stay in the shade. In public, we don't typically go places where I have seen a really dire need for them. I know part of that is luck or whatever, but it's true. Why continue to torture ourselves if we don't have to?

This has changed a little with going to the Farmer's Market lately. We haven't come across anything dangerous like broken glass. But we have had to skirt around some fallen food that has been walked on and (as my mother likes to call it) suspicious liquid. Hek gets a full wipe down with puppy wipes when we get home from places like this for these reasons. I don't mind doing this because I am polyautoimmune and don't need those germs.

This is all to say I have avoided working with her and the booties. I feel like there is just no use as we will never find a solution anyway. If we can avoid the problem and haven't had any consequences, then why should I put her through something she doesn't like and hurts her?

I am determined to restart the whole process. I am not waiting for her to get hurt to do this.

Currently, she is just wearing socks. They don't bother her other than that she's not a fan. They don't cause any kind of pain, just discomfort. I think she associates anything on her feet with the pain of wearing the boots in the past. I hope this will help with less negative association. I am going to make her wear them for at least 30 min a day until she shows comfort in them. It takes her about this long to lay down on and go to sleep on her own. I want this to be an immediate thing with no difference with the socks on or off.

Once she has shown they don't bother her, we will try new boots. I am ordering a set of Hi & Light Trail Shoes from Ruffwear to try next. They are made for summer wear and seem to be even lighter than the Grip Trex. I am hoping these factors will make a difference.

When they arrive, we are going to start with the back and then move forward. She's not even wearing them out of the house. We are going to go by the same protocol as the socks. Even if it is only for five minutes to eat dinner (the highest and biggest value treat reward thing I can do on a daily basis).

I am putting my patience and positivity hat on and screwing it on really tight so it doesn't fall off

^25 min after socks were put on today

Happiness, health, and safety are my priorities

[queerprayers]

1/2- Sorry if this is a weird ask. You're a person of sincere faith who doesn't judge and I'm desperate for outside opinions. I've recently learned that many modern tarot readers don't believe in divination or spirits, but rather that the images on the cards can help us think about things and bring out deeper ideas from our own subconscious. Zero future telling, only for self reflection. That sounds ok to me, and using the cards for visio divina has done really good things for my prayer life.

2/2- But still I worry- what if the more conservative types are right and all use of the cards is bad? What if it's displeasing to God? I beg and pray but I can't seem to find any peace or inner sense of guidance on the topic. Can you please pray for me, and share any wisdom you might have about this? Thank you so much.

Hello, beloved--I don't think this is weird at all! There's so much fearmongering among Christians about things being Satanic or pagan or whatever else, and it's important to not give into that panic while also taking our faith seriously.

None of the people I know who have been interested in tarot do it as a religious or really even spiritual practice--for most of them, it's been a fun thing, like getting your fortune read at a county fair, and it's not something to "believe in" so much as do and think about. I also know people who, as you said, find it useful for reflection, usually for finding new ways of looking at things. I'm not scared of tarot, and I don't think it's demonic.

Christian history is full of things like opening your Bible to a random page to see what God has in store for you or protecting yourself from evil spirits or saying a certain prayer so that a saint will do something for you. Everyone has these superstitious instincts, to find stories in chance, to not waste the few things that are in our control. I don't think there's inherent evil there--evil comes when we trust these things more than God, when we look in our own actions more than God's, when we think we can know the full story, when we try to pin God down. And I don't think superstition with Christian wrappings is any less superstitious, or any more truthful, to be honest.

A lot of people fearmongering about stuff like this are scared about where it might lead--that you'll end up somewhere chanting around a human sacrifice. And of course there are people who start with harmless religious experiences and end up in evil places--lots of Christians go to a potluck and end up believing in prosperity gospel and putting their kids in conversion therapy. But I don't hear you in danger of abandoning God or of harming anyone. And any religious practice can go too far, no matter how pure its roots. What you bring to the practice makes up most of whether you are reaching out toward God with it, and we can balance it with other traditions and other impulses.

In case someone's using the Bible to scare you: what the Bible tells us about fortune-telling/magic/communing with spirits is from a very specific Ancient Israelite perspective that I'm not qualified to unpack, but we don't find it an applicable worldview today. We have different ideas of how to live in community with other religions, and religious practices serve very different functions. We don't follow Ancient Israelite cultic practices--nor do modern Jewish people, for that matter. Christian practice has developed in the past two millennia in so many directions, and barely any of it would be recognizable to the Biblical authors. I obviously trust that God gave us these writings for a reason, and am not saying to ignore them--we can find useful ideas, but not a rule book.

The tarot deck most people know was created in 1909 by an occult secret society, who used symbols from Christianity and astrology. I think it's misguided to find truth in them as they exist, but neither do I think they're inherently evil--they're archetypes, stories. They're just human. I find occult secret societies generally more silly than demonic--although there is lots of racism/cultural appropriation in their histories. I respect those who avoid tarot based on its origins, just as I respect those who won't do yoga because it's a Hindu practice. But so many things come from non-Christian origins, and we cannot throw away the world if we want to live in community with it. (Yes, we are called to be set apart from the world as Christians, but also to love it--there is the line we must walk.)

There is real Biblical precedent for avoiding a practice associated with things outside of your faith--ancient Israelite religion was very concerned with these associations. Paul did not think meat that had originally been offered to pagan gods was sinful to eat, but basically advised people not to eat it because of how it would affect others or perhaps normalize idol worship. These are things we're continually navigating, and in any Christian community you're gonna have to be clear where your faith lies and probably answer some questions. I think it's a good thing that we're called to be purposeful, and to be aware how our actions affect others.

So my general advice would be to really think about it, to do it all purposefully, paying attention to how it affects your life, relationships, and practice, and whether it's bringing you to the life you know God wants from you (one of love). But this sounds like what you're already doing! I think you care more about this than most people I know, and you're coming to God genuinely--these are gifts.

Prayer is sensory, story-filled, interactive. It's a way of moving through the world. You say this has done good things for your prayer life, and I believe you. Contemplation is a major Christian prayer tradition. Anything can give us a new perspective, anything can shove us toward the truth. You're not causing harm, and neither are you abandoning your faith. There are other people navigating the same things as you--Contemplative Tarot is a book by a Catholic tarot practitioner, and it looks really interesting. I know people who have made their own tarot cards, and I wonder what that would look like with more intentional Christian symbolism/stories, even saints. Sometimes I pick a random prayer card to say--this is coincidence, and while it's not something I'm depending on, it does affect how my day goes.

Don't fall for anything or anyone that claims to know the ultimate truth, don't fall for the people who say that tarot has ancient Egyptian/kabbalah roots, don't fall for people who are just selling you things, don't believe anyone who tells you the truth is inside you if they aren't making clear that it's God that's living there, don't base your entire religious practice on something like this. But don't throw away a way of looking at things if God has led you through it. Don't put your life in the hands of cards, but move through your life with stories and new perspectives and contemplation. God's mercies are new every morning.

I don't know if I've given you peace--maybe just more questions. The good news is, you don't have to figure it all out now, and the bad news is you'll never figure it all out. Religious practice is a continuous dialogue and negotiation with the world. I have faith in you, and in the ways God is moving in your life. Bring Jesus with you, wherever you end up--he'll come regardless, of course, but see it happening. A man with a sword or a cup doesn't know your future, nor is he doing anything--but you know that. You're seeing more of the story, you're contemplating the wonders of God, you know the swords and cups that matter, and they are present with you, and seeing them everywhere is a gift.

Something my mother says before I start anything new, or go anywhere important--what she said when I went to the psych ward, and on the first days of school, and when I go to a protest--is "remember your baptism." I think my grandfather said it to her, too. I don't know whether you've been formally baptized, but remember your calling. Remember the beginning of your journey, and why you're still on it, and how you're being a representative of it. Remember your baptism, whatever that means to you. We have been marked with the cross of Christ forever.

<3 Johanna

[iwoszareba]

truthbound

Knave/Socothbenoth

cw: questionable use of trickster powers of mind altering variety. (if i'm allowed VtM terms something like incomplete blood bond level of problematic.) also this is love-hate, awful, evil people ship

Socothbenoth's first dialogue was taken directly from the game

_ _ _

'Satisfaction' could not begin to describe how Socothbenoth felt. How can you properly put into words the pure euphoria of seeing your plans, that were years in the making, finally come to fruition?

The look of defeat on Nocticula's face will warm his heart for decades to come. To think that all it took was the right person at the right time for everything to fall into place. That and his invaluable guidance, of course. Helping to make the Crusade a spectacle of madness was an enjoyable diversion but there was nothing more he could gain from it.

"Well, now that everything is decided... I will bid you farewell, Knave. It is time for me to look for a new frien... I mean, someone new and exciting... Someone I can lead astray. I will convince them to join the glorious ranks of fools, jesters, and lovers of funny and vulgar stories! It's been a pleasure! I know you'll miss me!"

That's what he needed: a fresh start. But for now he could just kick back and bask in the afterglow of his accomplishments until it's time to set more goals or readjust the old ones.

"Don't you want to ask if I have a parting gift for you?"

He was already reaching for the door handle but that question stopped him in his tracks. He could just leave. He should just leave. But after all the crazy things this Knave-Commander pulled off… he couldn't deny curiosity. He turned around.

"You got me something? Darling, you shouldn't have. Getting to see you grow from a confused, bloodthirsty puppy, into a distinguished creature of chaos was a gift enough."

He expected to see him as usual: all smiles, craving any scrap of his attention, practically begging. Instead Knave looked at him with an unreadable expression, head slightly tilted as if considering. Somehow that was more concerning than any of his touch too wide grins. Curiosity wasn't worth this.

"Really it's fine… just send whatever it is via messenger, maybe that mangy thief of yours can drop it off at my place when he comes to the Abyss."

He grabbed the handle and pushed but his relief was disturbed by the sharp, electric sound of magic. As he took one step through the doors, a portal brought him face to face with the Commander once again.

"I can't believe you thought you could just leave without my say-so. I would take offence at the rudeness if it wasn't so adorable."

This was not how Socothbenoth imagined this goodbye. Maybe he miscalculated, maybe he shouldn't have implied earlier that they probably will never meet again. He often forgot that some people can get attached so easily. No matter, he can play along for a while more.

"Can you blame me? I am a busy man. Especially now, when you helped to create so many new opportunities for me. Something I'll always be grateful for."

"Tsk tsk, tsk. Liar, liar pants on fire. Do you ever get tired of your own bullshit?"

Socothbenoth opened his mouth but before he could find words to rebuke such insolence Knave continued his little tirade.

"I wonder if there is a single person you have ever been truly loyal to? I doubt you see anyone in your congregation as worthy enough, your lovers are tools to be kept or discarded, the Council was always a sham… you couldn't even keep a semi-decent relation with your own sister."

Mentioning Nocticula in such fashion was a step too far and even now it made Socothbenoth wince. He gritted his teeth and tried not to snarl his next words, but they still came out as an angry hiss.

"Is there a point to this?"

There was a level of smugness to Knave that only people who delight in hitting a nerve can display. Normally an attractive trait, not so much right now.

"I know such things are not in your nature and I don't blame you for that but… I admit it does make me curious. What would happen if I took all the honeyed words you fed me and made them true? Wouldn't that be refreshing? The sense that you said something and actually meant it."

Was that something he could do? Of course Socothbenoth heard the stories of Knave's exploits in Alushinyrra. Changing someone's form was not far from fleshwarping the demon lord would perform himself or teach to his faithful, but while similar in effect, Commander's powers seemed to work under a completely different paradigm. And physical matter still was nothing compared to something as intangible as 'the truth'.

"We can just talk about thi-"

Something deep inside him hummed, as if his very essence started to slightly vibrate awaiting what is going to happen to it next.

"You already talked plenty enough. Mmm what lies have you uttered... Maybe when you said you've been looking for someone exactly like me all these years?"

He was standing still but the sensation escalated to scraping at the back of his skull and squirming inside his chest. Impatient search for remembrance followed by a swift judgement.

"That was the truth! It's not my fault the meaning wasn't quite what you desired."

Knave nodded despite not looking convinced.

"I see, then what about those times you called me special… captivating… irreplaceable?"

The last word was the one that fully did the trick and started to ring at Socothbenoth's core with near-painful veracity. He felt feverish, as if his body was fighting to reject this foreign element, something so at odds with his demonic nature. But it was too late, this… connection has already taken root, strong and true, but twisted by the environment it found itself in. Addictive in its cravings and covetous in its devotion. Socothbenoth started to laugh hard enough that tar-like tears formed in the corners of his black eyes.

"What's so funny to you?"

The look of smug satisfaction on Knave's face was first replaced by confusion and then visible distress. He grabbed his chest as if to check the sensations there. Despite everything Socothbenoth couldn't help but delight in having the upper hand again.

"Oh, I just remembered something else I've said: we were made for each other, you were made for me."

Knave blinked in surprise.

"What? I don't recall anything like that."

Socothbenoth smiled lecherously, closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around Knave's waist bringing their bodies together.

"At the time I had you so deep in the throes of passion, no wonder you were a little… distracted."

"...You are lying."

It sounded as half-hearted bargaining of someone not ready to accept the reality.

"Does it feel like a lie?"

Knave was biting his bottom lip in frustration, quite a tantalising sight.

"No. I guess I made sure of that."

It was easy to expect this sentence to be punctuated with an angry groan but what followed instead was a soft rumble of laughter. Knave's next words were barely a whisper.

"It is kind of funny, when you start to think about it."

That was not really the word Socothbenoth would use to describe their situation, but if comedy is in the unexpected… he had to admit that in his long life as a demon lord he has never felt… this, whatever it was. They stood for a while in silence, both lost in their own thoughts, still wrapped in an embrace. Neither seemed willing to release the other but Knave was first to break the strange tranquillity of the moment.

"I still hate you, you know." 

Demon lord faux gasped.

"Shouldn't it be 'I love you more than anything else in this world'?" 

There was a pause for struggle between admission and denial.

"The two aren't mutually exclusive."

The amount of vitriol in his voice was delightful. The Commander was way more exciting like this compared to when he was acting all star-struck.

"I just thought you would be all pliant now."

He purred trying to rile him up more but instead Knave furrowed his eyebrows in consideration.

"I don't… fully understand what I did but I'm fairly sure it's not a compulsion nor geas. I don't have to do anything. And neither do you. If you wish, you are free to leave."

He waved his hand around in a specific but messy gesture and Socothbenoth could tell that the portal in the doors behind them deactivated. Which was a sweet sentiment but he was no longer in a hurry.

"I am a busy man but I may have another moment to spare. Other jesters and madmen will have to wait another day…"

He pulled Knave into a kiss that felt hungry to the point where it made him consider a crazy notion, that perhaps the two of them exchanged a fraction of their souls and would have to tear each other open if they wanted to get them back.

[basingstokemercury]

Album liner of "Come All Ye Fair And Tender Ladies" (Pernell Roberts, folk/country, 1963).

Transcript below image.

HOW A FOLK SINGER GETS THAT WAY...

by the co-star of the "Bonanza" TV Show

At the age of 32, two and one-half years ago, I bought myself a guitar along with Pete Seeger's instruction book and record. Very painfully, I learned to play - not too well by any means, but enough to chord and accompany myself for folk songs. I can't possibly describe the joy and sense of accomplishment when my fingers finally behaved themselves and formed A, E and B-7. (Then a whole new world opened up with C, F, G-7, A-7, D-7, etc!) I was born again! However, I ran into a problem... if I played Chunk! Chunk! Chunk!, I sang "Chunk! Chunk! Chunk!" What to do? Well, it's like when the tourist came to New York and asked a little old lady, "How do you get to Carnegie Hall?" She replied, "Practice." I did and it's richly rewarding. Aside from acting, the thing I enjoy most is singing and - most of all - folk songs. Of course, next to singing folk songs, listening to folk songs… especially when performed by people like Odetta, Joan Baez, Bob Gibson, Pete Seeger, Jack Elliott, Woody Guthrie, Leadbelly, Big Bill Broonzy, Lightnin' Hopkins, Barbara Dane - and, oh, so many others that it would take the backs of three album jackets just to list them. Although I realize that folk songs, singers and records are exceedingly popular, I know there are also a lot of people who are not familiar with this area of music. I know that most of you who pick up this album will do so because of the television series I'm associated with. But what I'm hoping, more than anything else, is that you also pick up something new in the way of music appreciation. I highly recommend all of John and Alan Lomax's books of folk songs and, most essentially, the folk song magazine "Sing Out." What a rich heritage we all have in this form of music. When I sing a song like Woody Guthrie's Pastures of Plenty, my problems in life seem a bit unimportant compared to the problems of other people. I quickly realize just how un-unique I am, that we all face many problems of daily living, and singing about them seems to make it all a little easier to take. That's why folk songs and folk lore were the basic source of material for this album, and I'd like to thank Steve Sholes for asking me to do it, Neely Plumb for his infinite patience and guidance, Jim Malloy for his engineering seal, Perry Botkin, Jr. for his perceptive arranging "pointing", and last of all - but far from least - Dick Rosmini. Dick, in my opinion, is a talent to be reckoned with. Besides being an extraordinary six or twelve-string guitarist, banjo player and folk singer, he also writes beautiful songs and adaptations, notably - in this album - Alberta and Mary Ann. Richard, thank you for making this such a rewarding and exciting experience! PERNELL ROBERTS

[gatekeeper-watchman]

Daily Devotionals for April 29, 2024

Proverbs: God's Wisdom for Daily Living

Devotional Scripture:

Proverbs 15:10-12(KJV): 10 Correction is grievous unto him that forsaketh the way: and he that hateth reproof shall die. 11 Hell and destruction are before the LORD: how much more than the hearts of the children of men? 12 A scorner loveth not one that reproveth him: neither will he go unto the wise. Proverbs 15:10-12(Amp): 10 There is severe discipline for him who forsakes God's way, and he who hates reproof will die (physically, morally, and spiritually). 11 Sheol (the place of the dead) and Abaddon (the abyss, the final place of the accuser Satan) both are before the Lord; how much more than the hearts of the children of men? 12 A scorner has no love for one who rebukes him, neither will he go to the wise (for counsel).

Thought for the Day

Verse 10 - Correction and reproof keep a man on the path of life. Just as a child requires correction to learn the things that will help him grow and mature properly, we all need the correction of our heavenly Father to avoid the things that can destroy us. Notice that the death spoken of is physical, moral, and spiritual. All who are without Christ are spiritually dead, though they do not know it. Only with Christ and by His guidance can we safely journey through this life.

"And you hath he quickened, who were dead in trespasses and sins: Wherein in time past ye walked according to the course of this world, according to the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that now worketh in the children of disobedience: Among whom also we all had our conversation in times past in the lusts of our flesh, fulfilling the desires of the flesh and the mind; and were by nature the children of wrath, even as others. But God, who is rich in mercy, for his great love wherewith he loved us, Even when we were dead in sins, hath quickened us together with Christ, (by grace ye are saved;)" (Ephesians 2:1-6).

Verse 11 - If hell and the place of the dead are visible to God, how much more are men's hearts visible to Him? We may be able to deceive people into thinking that we are good Christians, but God sees our hearts. If we are not walking in the truth, He knows it. We will reap what we sow. If we belong to Christ, our lives should show it.

Verse 12 - Fools despise correction and their pride keeps them from coming to the wise ones for guidance. Their lusts and desires lead them. If they do not repent and turn to Jesus, their end will be hell. The Lord does not desire that anyone should perish, but because He has given each of us the gift of free will, we choose whom we serve, either God or Satan. We may think we can choose to serve ourselves, but this is not an option. If we serve ourselves, we are serving Satan. God has given us, His children, the task of sharing the Gospel with those around us so that they will have the opportunity to accept Christ as their Savior and escape hell (2 Peter 3:9). May we welcome the Lord's correction so that we will not open the door for Satan to attack us through our rebellion and sin. May we also pray for and witness to the lost so that they may be saved and escape the torments of hell.

Prayer Devotional for the Day

Father God, thank you that You are a good Father to me. Deliver me of any rebellion that would cause me to ignore Your leading in my life. Strengthen and help me, so that I will always be an obedient child. I do appreciate Your patience toward me. Give me patience with those around me who do not know You. Let me share the gospel in love with each of them. Thank you, for delivering me from hell. I am grateful for the promise of Your presence with me in this life and the promise of heaven to come. Lord, watch over all of Your children and keep us from evil. I ask this in the name of Jesus. Amen. From: Steven P. Miller @ParkermillerQ,  gatekeeperwatchman.org Founder of Gatekeeper-Watchman International Groups, Sunday, April 28, 2024, Jacksonville, Florida., USA.  X ... @ParkermillerQ #GWIG, #GWIN, #GWINGO, #Ephraim1, #IAM, #Sparkermiller, #Eldermiller1981 GROUP: https://www.facebook.com/groups/Sparkermiller.JAX.FL.USA

[galactic-pirates]

Something I don’t see talked about (and yes I know that’s a loaded opening sentence but I have feelings so I’m going to ramble) is how it feels to come to art late.

Like people throw out examples like George Clooney being 40 or something? Or Samuel L Jackson, or you know there are many, of people who came into something older and then were fantastic at it. It’s like a “it’s never too late” reassurance and ok cool, cool, but that doesn’t really help.

I didn’t draw as a kid. I hated art class at school because they didn’t teach. I wouldn’t know how to get the effect I wanted and given no guidance (but plenty of “that’s not what I wanted” criticism). If I found a workaround it was wrong. Like I spent a ridiculous amount of time drawing a model train once by measuring every single line. Best drawing I did as a kid but my teacher told me I was never to do that again as I should spend no more than an hour on the homework.

Part of this was probably being undiagnosed autistic. I need structure and rules and I need to understand. I can’t just experiment how I probably should. So I internalised the “I am not artistic, I have no artistic flair” and I didn’t doodle or decorate. I would be envious of the other kids who did. My notes always looked so boring. We didn’t do art at home. Mum always tells the story of how she was excluded from art class at school for “being a waste of public resources” and so is adamant she can’t draw.

For some reason at 19 I decided I wanted to draw. But again with an undiagnosed autistic need for things to be “right” and obviously any lines I made were ‘wrong’, plus the computer was where I sought answers I fell very quickly into tracing photographs. That was a huge mistake because it taught me nothing and only made it worse if I tried to draw without the crutch - as obviously that was much much worse in comparison.

You see I didn’t have the willingness to draw something awful that little kids have (because to them it isn’t awful) and I judged myself so so harshly. I wanted to draw what I imagined and I found workarounds, like modelling programs to make my own pose references, or smushing multiple references together - I still do this and I absolutely hate it. It doesn’t help but it’s like that bandaid trying to hold a water leak back - it’s better than what I can do without it, so I keep going back for fan events etc. as I feel if I’m gifting someone something it needs to be the best I can do (and merlin knows I am deeply ashamed of what I have posted for past exchanges, 30+ hours or not of effort it was baaaad).

A few years ago I decided enough was enough and I needed to “go back to basics” and get away from the computer. I have got a ridiculous number of courses from places like Udemy/Domestika and enough art supplies to open a small store. I talk a good game - I can sound like I know - but my hand does not.

The problem with the YouTube videos or the courses is these people are skilled - obviously, I mean that’s the point - but sometimes they will show their “old art” from when they were 13 or something and it’s better than what I can do now, or maybe at 9 or something it was about the same but that’s 9 - I’m going to be 34 this year.

I’m still that kid that wants to be told what steps to take. I am still flailing and I still don’t know how best to move forward. Worse I am not a kid and so I feel ashamed I guess. And I’m also alone because there is no actual person I can talk to. I have looked into in person art classes but there’s nothing suitable. I need to find a path forward.

But to circle back to “coming into art late”. I’m 33 and surrounded by so much inspiration (I see art and I so desperately want to be able to make something half that good). But that’s a curated thing because people only post their good stuff (obviously) and so I don’t want to post my shitty stuff so I can’t engage with “art tumblr” or whatever, and I’ve never been good at engaging anyway. I have always felt like an outsider in every community I have tried to join. Plus with fucking AI I don’t want to post my stuff online (although it’s so bad if it did get scraped it would probably act like poison).

So yeah basically flailing and lonely.

It’s deeply demoralising and frustrating. I have never put in the practice time that I should have but that is more to do with my chronic mental health issues than anything - but that then compounds the age problem as I am not 19 any longer. It has been getting on for 15 years - actually I hate putting it like that because then I have to see that I have been wanting to draw for nearly half my life and I have still not managed it. I am still flailing around near the starting line.

Anyway yeah I just feel like nobody talks about being older, and still being shitty at things, and how damn lonely and scary that is. I get majorly stressed out everytime I try and do “serious learning” as I guess it’ll take time and I will be shitty for a lot longer. Maybe there’s also a point here about adulthood and immediate gratification I don’t know. I just know I wish for the impossible to be able to be the child I never was I guess, to start art when people are supposed to - as a kid - and get this stage done and so I can be better. Is that just me wanting to skip the work? Maybe I don’t know.

It’s as I said - I have feelings.

[akilsposts]

In Life, In Sickness and In Death...

There are some people who leave an indelible mark on your life. While it would be futile to say that we as individual entities are the product or handiwork of a single person, it is no stretch to state that there are some people about whom we can confidently affirm, "I wouldn't have been here, if not for them!" Today, I lost one of those people.

At the age of thirty three, when I still have more regrets than any sense of accomplishment, there are still a few things I feel proud about. It is in the accomplishment of these few things that I am most indebted to comrade V. Venugopal. Venu maaman, as he's affectionately called by most of the younger generation whom he brought up with the utmost care, left his mark on me while helping me achieve those few things that I genuinely count as my accomplishments.

I have known Venu maaman for a long time: twenty seven years is how far back I can stretch my memory. However, for long he had remained as someone I only knew and occasionally saw. I knew him as one of the important leaders of SUCI(Communist) and someone who lived in Ambalapuzha, and as someone who brought up a battalion of children. I would also see him at the Children's Camp organised by Prachodana which was held every year during the summer holidays. These camps were memorable affairs, not just in themselves, but also because this battalion of children were there without fail. They were all talented, verbose and most things that I was not. Naturally, I found them fascinating. Looking back, and of course in hindsight, they were my first gateway to the personality that was Venu maaman. Yet, I don't remember having a single conversation with him. That was until I turned 16. In the summer of 2007, my mother 'volunteered' me and my sister for a 'camp' in Kannur. She did not know that it would change our lives forever. (Neither did we). The usual battalion was present. There were a few others too. The one week we spent in Kannur, collecting funds and practicing a street drama which was presented at the farmers' agitation in Wayanad is marked in bold letters in the pages of my mind. The organisation which we became a part of, Komsomol - the league of young communists, became our organisation. It was in the course of formation and development of this organisation that I came to really know Venu maaman. Unlike the Children's Camp, the Komsomol camps and classes were by and large conducted under his direct supervision. It was through these camps and classes that we were inducted into the philosophy of Marxism. Venu maaman used to personally take many of these classes, or used to make the concluding talks for many topics. I found his speeches profoundly enlightening. I did not understand them fully at the time but there have been times later in life when I could see many aspects from his speeches come true. It felt like the future was being predicted. Needless to say, it not only increased my confidence in the philosophy that Venu maaman was trying to impart in us but also my confidence in his leadership. However, most important to me was the sense of belonging that was slowly starting to sprout inside my mind. Till then I had lived my life with a feeling that I did not belong anywhere. The gnawing insecurity had contributed much to the lack of confidence and a weak character. It was through the activities of Komsomol, under the guidance of Venu maaman that I first truly felt that I was in a place that I wanted to be and that I was doing something that I wanted to do.

Nonetheless, being the person that I was, I had to go away and make more mistakes and learn a few things on my own before I could make my way back to Venu maaman and his guidance. For this, I'll always be grateful to comrade Aparna. It took some amount of coaxing and nagging on her part for me to finally approach Venu maaman with my thoughts and concerns. Being a private person who was open with only a few people in life, it was very difficult for me to go to Venu maaman with my problems. Even more unthinkable was the thought of speaking about them. Therefore, I did not do that. Instead, I sent him a letter. He addressed my issues when I visited him later. I repeated this process once more. Later, once when I told him I had something to tell him and that I would write, he insisted that I speak and not write. That was one more odd to surmount but he made sure I did.

Venu maaman was the perfect guide: tailor made for me, or so I would like to believe. He listened to my concerns but did not hand out any solutions. Instead, he laid out an approach and left me to find my own solutions. Again in hindsight, I realise that was an essential process. Handing out solutions would have been easy for him to do but by laying out an approach he was allowing me to chart out my own thought process and make my own mistakes. For someone who was very limited in making decisions on my own, all these were important and essential steps of a process. This continued all the way till he could no longer do it physically. In the meantime, he and comrade C.K. Lukose imparted enough lessons for me to trust the leadership of the party and to develop a dialectical relationship with the organisation.

It was a surprise when the party listed me among the volunteers entrusted to care for Venu maaman when he became bedridden. I did not feel I could do justice to what was being asked of me. However, I am glad that I was chosen because each time I came for my turn, I learned something new. Many of these filled me with wonder and awe, including about his intellectual capacity. Yet, the most beautifully striking thing that stood out for me was that even amidst episodes of memory lapses, each and every thoughts of his were about the party and its well being. In extension, each of his thoughts were for revolution. In sickness, he was imparting important lessons.

Venu maaman's death was not totally unexpected. However undesirable the thought, there was a feeling that it was slowly creeping up on him. He was small in death. His body had emaciated very much. Yet, as he lay there, I was again struck by how death has only served to make him even bigger. There were raw emotions at the loss. There were tears shed for the immense loss the society has suffered. There were lots of people. The old who could barely stand. The young who could not and would not hold their tears. Comrades of many years. Acquaintances few meetings old. The renowned who had shared many a distinguished stage. The poor and the struggling masses who had fought and won under his command. Friends and doubters. Supporters and opponents. They were all united in their conviction that an individual of barely believable qualities had passed away. In death, he was teaching us what boundless love could achieve.

Even as I say this, I am acutely aware of many of the limitations that are holding me back. It would be a lie to say that I have unwaveringly stuck by all that Venu maaman has imparted. I have wavered, at times more than others, but now I can confidently say without any reservations that I am in that place and station in life that I belong. For someone reluctant to show my love, I have seen what I stand to lose by not sharing it. Even more, I realise I simply have to love more and more, and then some more. Of course, I continue to make mistakes but I believe I have a process to fall back on and correct myself. The path ahead is illumined but how I tread it will depend on my realisations. Now that I have looked back, it has made me realise that comrade V. Venugopal has left an even greater mark on me than I had thought. All these have also made me realise that he remains with us, no matter what. In life, in sickness and in death. Red Salute comrade V. Venugopal!

[electrasev5nwrites]

ITA/SAKU ministory: Partners in Crime prompt for ItaSaku week

"Try to be less flashy," Danzo ordered. The old hawk sneered as he looked over Itachi. "You must be as unremarkable as possible. Try not to leave a trail of heartbroken acquaintances." His lips thinned to nearly nothing. "It's memorable."

"My apologies," Itachi said. He had no idea what Danzo wanted him to do differently. He certainly wasn't flirting with people while undercover. All of his mental capacity went into subverting the governance of their neighboring country. He worked against the peace every day to ensure that in comparison their country was unified and strong. "Do you have any suggestions?"

The old man eyed him. His face turned sour. "...it would help if you were seen to be unavailable," he said finally. "Find a partner or wife. It would also provide an excuse to leave various situations- you can cite pre existing plans." He seemed to warm to the idea as he spoke. Danzo hummed to himself. He narrowed his eyes. "I will send Sai with you," he decided. "He could be your wife."

Itachi suddenly discovered that he did in fact have an opinion.

"There is no need," Itachi said a little too quickly. He ducked his head. "Thank you for your guidance."

"The fate of our nation depends on you," Danzo said, because he had no consideration for other people's ability to sleep at night.

Itachi bowed again.

As he left headquarters, he ran through a mental list of people he knew in an appropriate age category who possessed some subtlety and might also be desperate enough to do it. They also could have no commitments of real importance such as a child or meaningful work. 

Who did he know who was emotionally vulnerable and led a life of little meaning?

Itachi knew about 8 people who were not related to him, so there really was only one acquaintance who might be desperate enough to marry him on short notice. 

"Haruno," he said. Sasuke's boyfriend's childhood friend startled and dropped her to go coffee. He had caught her on the way home from her shift work at a bleak medical teaching facility. He swooped forward to catch it for her before it could drop on the sidewalk. The other pedestrians moved around them like an uncaring school of fish. "Do you have a moment to talk?" He extended his hand to offer her drink back. The scent of black coffee wafted back to him. 

A flush appeared on her cheeks. Her hands were artificially warm from her coffee when she touched his hands. "Ah- yes," she blushed. Haruno blinked rapidly. "Here?"

"It's fine," Itachi said. No one was paying attention. "Do you know anything about my work?"

She didn't, of course.

"Uh…" she bit her lip. "International business?" she ventured. "Sales, right?"

"I suppose that you could say marketing," Itachi said, thinking of his most recent posting. He had convinced a government employee to pass information through him. "I have a posting overseas scheduled soon." 

Haruno looked extremely interested.

'No, Sakura,' he decided internally. 'If I'm going to ask her a favor I should be on first name terms with her.'

"Where are you going?" Sakura asked politely. He could tell by the glint in her eyes that she was more than casually interested. That made sense with what he'd noticed of her. She was a talented girl with no social advantages who had done her level best to marry up. She had failed in that, and settled for an average career because she could not finance the education for a better one. She had probably never left the country.

"I can't tell you," Itachi said. Her face fell. "Unless you agree to come with me. I must disclose that there is risk involved."

She perked up and her lips dropped open. 

…Was that a draw?

"I am going into a sensitive situation," Itachi prevaricated delicately. He was going to pretend to be a wealthy local's errant son and infiltrate a gentleman's club that a politician was in. So that he could blackmail the man. "It is a rather conservative environment."

"Okay," Sakura said, clearly not understanding where he was going.

"I need someone to be my spouse for the duration of the trip," he said bluntly.

She jumped. 

He waited.

Sakura simply looked at him. "... And why did you think to come to me?" Her hair blew around her face, unrestrained despite the wind.

"You are hungry for external validation," Itachi said. Sakura looked offended by this analysis. "If you marry me, you'll enjoy elevated social status."

"It's not real," Sakura flatly rejected. She crossed her arms. He tried not to notice the way her biceps flexed, displayed in her yellow sundress. "Being your cover wouldn't do anything for me."

Itachi hesitated only a moment before offering, "I will make it real." He felt an odd swooping sensation in his stomach. He set it aside. It wasn't such a sacrifice. Most people did get married eventually. It would make him less remarkable. Perhaps it would comfort his mother as well. 

She was glaring at him. Why?

He blinked at her. 

"What's the joke?" 

It was impressive, he thought, that such a small woman's voice could drop into a growl. 

"It would be very plausible," Itachi said. "I would have had many chances to meet and interact with you in the period of your one-sided attraction to my brother. Therefore, no one would know that the relationship was falsified."

Sakura eyed him as he spoke. Gradually, her hostility began to taper off. He had worried that she might be offended by the mention of her unsuccessful seduction, but she was encouragingly resilient. That was good. It would definitely come up as a topic when his parents learned about their relationship.

Yes, Itachi thought. He could make this work. 

"You're desperate," she said. Itachi suddenly discovered that he did not enjoy that word being applied to himself. Sakura snickered. "You'll fund my career," she said, a challenge.

He blinked. "I wasn't aware that you had one," he told her. The muscles around her eye twitched. "Aren't you a care assistant of some sort? No," he corrected himself. "You do makeup. I recall you discussing it with Uzumaki."

The look she gave him was incredibly judgmental. "You don't need to understand in order to sign checks."

That was true, so he inclined his head.

"Great!" Sakura flashed him a bright smile. She latched onto his arm as if they were old friends. Bemused, he let her. "I need a house," she informed him. She began walking and Itachi moved with her. He didn't know where they were going, but she was compelling.

"What?"

"My own funeral home," she clarified. He might have faltered if she wasn't dragging him along. "I don't want to get a loan."

Hmm. That was a lie. "You can't get a loan," Itachi said slowly. 

Context clues began to fall into place. She was… a mortician?

His fiancee gave him a dirty look. Then she rolled her eyes. "Whatever." She tossed her hair. "So, you're in the mafia or something?" Her grip on his arm tightened. "There's no way you're not involved in crime and need a fake wife at short notice."

"I am not," Itachi denied, peeved. What he did was not legal, but it was government work. Yes, he'd possibly be interrogated and executed if he was caught, but did that make him a criminal per se? He had a pension. He was not a criminal.

The girl shrugged. "I'm not judging," she said airily. "I'd work with worse for my funding."

That was for the best. Danzo was probably worse than most of the mafia.

He hesitated. "....While we are overseas, you will play the role of a housewife," he said cautiously. "It would be extremely memorable if I had an undertaker for a spouse." 

"Sounds like someone is offering to buy me coffins when we get back," she said gleefully. 

Disconcerting.

Itachi reminded himself that he would be in much more danger of being discovered and arrested if he was memorable. He would simply have to ask her to speak a lot less.

[whentherewerebicycles]

my beloved pups :) period started overnight and I woke up so sad. but I think the one good thing from this bummer of a weekend is that I feel like I’ve reached some clarity about next steps. I want to hold firm to the original boundary I set before starting this process: no IVF, at least in the US. truly zero judgment of anyone else’s choices but having a biological child is not so important to me that I want to mortgage my own future (and my kids’ futures) to it financially. and I’m genuinely interested in and open to fostering to adopt even though I have some nervousness around the idea.

so here’s my plan, because you know I can’t function without a plan:

depending on what my dr says tomorrow, I’ll pursue additional testing if it’s not crazy expensive. if there’s a physical reason IUI can’t work for me I would like to know so I can feel confident I’ve fully tried that option.

assuming there isn’t a physical reason and I just haven’t gotten lucky yet… I have gone through a lot research to try to understand the clinical guidance. I wanted to understand if the “3 failed IUIs = IVF is your only option” advice is based in good science or if it’s one of those things that people repeat to each other because they’ve heard it a lot. (I also wanted to know if it’s one of those things where our culture’s tendency to pathologize and hypermedicalize pushes people towards the invasive high-tech expensive options sooner than necessary). I am not 100% confident in my ability to interpret scientific data so you know, grain of salt but: it does seem like a lot of the studies that recommend the 3 cycle limit are single-clinic studies with small sample sizes. I found a more recent and much larger study that concluded that people who do 6-9 cycles still achieve similar rates of pregnancy as people who do 3-4. so it seems like the drop-off maybe isn’t as precipitous as the internet would have you believe. it’s hard to imagine doing 9 cycles (financially and emotionally) but I think I could do up to six.

I signed up this morning for the foster care licensing course online (in my state you have to be licensed both to foster and to adopt from foster care). I have to complete eight 3-hour sessions plus additional in-person stuff at the end. I want to set a goal of completing one session per week—maybe an hour a night spread over a few nights. I also want to use this process to engage in sustained reflection and writing about my feelings/fears around pursuing parenting by another route. it seems totally normal and expected that I’d have a lot of head/heart-clearing to do before I’m ready to tackle a big life-changing commitment. so I want to begin that work now. I would like to complete the online training by July 15 (and I of course have my own syllabus of secondary readings I want to do too lol). I’ve heard the home study process you have to complete after training can take anywhere from 3-9 months, so starting now will get me moving in that direction but won’t obligate me to make any big decisions for a while yet.

IVF abroad is still a possibility—I budgeted it out for one of the Greece clinics and I think I could do it for $8-9k which includes all travel and lodging costs (not bad if I also get a fun two-week vacation out of it!). but I couldn’t afford to do that financially or PTO-wise until November/December, so I think it makes sense to move forward on other fronts for now and keep that as a back-burner idea I can return to in a couple months.

and lastly: here’s a final emotional thing I want to register. as I expected it might, this process has been stirring up a lot of old buried gender shame, which isn’t specifically about my body but has more to do with that one quote people reblog on tumblr that goes something like I have always been ashamed of being witnessed in the act of wanting what I can’t have. my gender shame has always had so little to do with my gendered body and so much to do with the feeling that people are watching me want to embody something I can’t embody in a way that convinces anyone. I spent so much of my life feeling shut out of girlhood, and even though most of the time I couldn’t decide if I even wanted to be let into girlhood (my feelings are still decidedly mixed!), that feeling of being shut out still kinda fucks you up inside, you know? I feel like I’ve made a lot of peace with that old pain and a lot of progress towards expanding my conception of what being a woman means (as emi koyama puts it in the transfeminist manifesto: there are as many ways of being a woman as there are women). but it makes sense that when you encounter new triggers for old pain it would take a while to kinda recalibrate and find your equilibrium again. right now I want to have a baby—ie I want to do this human thing that our culture associates (strongly, insistently, at times punitively) with “successful” womanhood. and I am so far failing repeatedly to have a baby! I am failing even with the help of medical interventions that are supposed to ramp up my ~insufficiently feminine~ body’s ability to do this thing that “women’s bodies” are supposed to be able to do without help. like, one million scare quotes around ALL of this—this isn’t what I believe in my head but it is the deeply ingrained cultural script that’s been drilled into my heart! so I think a lot of the heaviness I’m feeling around this whole thing is just like, the old pain, the old shame, the old buried humiliation of being witnessed in the act of wanting something I can’t have. and I may need to make a bit more space for myself to do some gentle and compassionate excavating of those ugly, shameful feelings so I can look at them in the light and say: yes, that’s a thought, but it isn’t mine. it never was. it came from somewhere else, a tiny little fragment of cultural shrapnel embedded in my heart. I may never be able to remove it completely but I don’t have to confuse it for part of me and I have the tools now to keep its slow poison from leaching into my blood. I am whole as I am. I am loved as I am; I love myself as I am. I can acknowledge the old bad feelings with compassion, but I don’t ever have to ever go back to that time in my life when I treated shame as the only or truest truth.

[zoeykallus]

Hello Zoey,

I hope above all that your morale is better and that you are doing well?

I saw the last episode of the Bad Batch and I find it too cute the little flirtation between Tech and Phee.

Suddenly I wondered that it could be the sexual orientation of the members of Bad Batch and Rex.

Here is my feeling:

Hunter: Hetero

Wrecker: Gay

Tech: At first I thought no guidance but now Hetero

Echo: I don't know

Crosshair: Hetero

Rex: Gay or Bi

Omega: Leave him his innocence. ☺️

I'm curious to know your feelings?

I send you lots of positive thoughts and you always make exciting fics to read 😍

Aloha!

It's an up and down, but at the moment I am doing okay so far, despite the circumstances. Thank you for asking 😊

Well, to be honest, I never really put a lot of thought into what their sexual orientation is. Okay, aside from automatically assuming they are hetero, which I guess just happens automatically when thinking about beloved characters and being hetero yourself. Okay, maybe not 100% hetero in my case, but yeah.

So, honestly, I think they could be anything. When it comes to writing, I'm open to any suggestion, there is no limit, at least for me when it comes to 'love', or in this case imagination, they are fictional characters after all.

I love to dive in and imagine while writing, but aside from that, I didn't really have an opinion on their orientation.

Being an Afab and identifying myself as female, of course, one of my first instincts is to imagine and write that way, if not asked for something else. But honestly, I'm generally intrigued by the thought of affection between two people, no matter the gender. So, yes, it could be that some of them are gay, bi or what else there is in terms of sexual orientation.

Before Phee showed up and the last episode in particular, I honestly thought Tech would be not really interested in physical contact in terms of intimacy, and canon wise, I was wrong with that assumption... I guess.

Yes, I wrote steamy, dirty things about this guy simply because I adore my goggled genius, but in the back of my mind was always the thought that Tech was more interested in other stimulation with someone he had affection for than sex. But honestly I'm not sure what that's called.... Yes, I'm an idiot in some regards, but I'm fine with that 😋

So no, aside from Tech, I didn't have any deep, preconceived thoughts about the sexual orientation of The Bad Batch or any other clone. Oh, but stop….Fives, if I had to guess, I would absolutely guess that Fives is interested in all genders, and that he has no preconceived opinions or tastes physically either. I think Fives is someone who likes to sweep others along and let himself be swept along. By that I don't mean that he fucks everyone who comes his way, but that he is excited by people who approach him in an open, lively and curious way, that something like that attracts and stimulates him much more than a certain sex or appearance.

But that's just my headcanon, my idea of this fictional character.

Well, I see I wrote a lot more about this topic than I planned to in the first place 😅 Does this answer your question?

[kyzveryown]

K I N G D O M H E A R T S | R E : W O R K S E R I E S DIVERGE: CHI + BACK COVER — The Foretellers, Ava

Ava was the youngest of the Foretellers and, despite her young age, she was adept at magic – even being able to cast grand spells. Still, she was naïve. As a Daybreak native, she lived a mostly sheltered life free of any exposure to darkness. It was hard for her to imagine that a calamity such as the darkness scourge existed, even much less that there were realms beyond the skies of Daybreak. In her eyes, things couldn’t have been as bad as they’d seemed. Ava, like many, was spoiled by the light’s grace. However, that gave her the freedom to be her spunky and cheerful self. Her heart was so pure it was infectious, but that’s what drew people to her, and what allowed her to get close to others.

Having received his request the day prior, Ava ventured to the Master’s chamber. When she arrived, he was deeply engrossed in an alchemic experiment. He was unusually silent, which was a rare occurrence. After finishing up his notes, he turned in his chair then slapped his thighs.

“So, you're curious about the Book of Prophecies, right?”

“Huh? Uh, well, maybe. Is that the reason you asked me to come by?”

“Hmm, yes and no. The Book of Prophecies is a golden trove of information. But unfortunately, that's all it is. It can't prevent catastrophes from happening, and it can't change anything. However,” The Master paused for a second, then wagged his index finger. “Knowledge is key. And with enough knowledge, you can do just about anything ‒ even tip the scales of destiny. So, the Book of Prophecies is a must have! Unfortunately, that's what makes it extremely dangerous. In the hands of someone with dark intentions, they can turn our reality upside down.”

“That’s why you keep the Book hidden?”

“Yeah, it's a bummer though. I don't get to read it at all” the Master pouted, palming his cheek. “Just imagine the kinds of juicy secrets that are in there?! So many things to know like, for example, my face under this hood! The Book knows what I look like! If you were curious enough, you could find out just how dashing and drop-dead handsome I am! Who knows, I could be an Adonis under here!”

Ava frowned. “Uh, Master, what you look like doesn't matter.”

“Huh?” The Master replied in a softened and dejected voice. He lowered his head then whimpered while clutching his chest, “My spirit is broken, and my heart is irreparably damaged.”

“I didn't mean it that way. You're our Master, and we value you and your guidance. So...”

The Master lifted his head for a second, then leapt from the chair to his feet, stroking his chin. “Of course, you do!! I mean, I am amazing. Hehe.”

Ava couldn’t help but frown again.

(Didn’t take long for him to snap out of it…)

“Anyway,” the Master continued, looking down at her. “Having limitless knowledge opens the door to infinite possibilities. And who doesn't want that kind of power? In fact, I can think of one group of dastardly creatures that'd absolutely LOVE to get their hands on it. Care to guess who?”

“Hmm…the Darkness?”

“Bingo!” he nearly shouted. “Like I said, whatever the book records will happen. Well, that is, unless someone comes into possession of it and starts throwing everything out of whack. So, in preparation for that eventuality, I have an mission for you and only you.”

“Uh, me?” Ava asked, confusedly pointing to herself.

“Yes. You might be the only hope of keeping the light from expiring.”

“Light expiring? W-What do you mean? And why me??”

“Because you’re like a light that never stops shining.” He said, then placed his hand on her shoulder. “A little candle whose fire never fades even in darkness. And you’ve got a heart stronger than anyone that I’ve ever come across. Who, better than someone like that to carry on the legacy of the light? Hmm?”

“Uh huh. You’re just trying to butter me up, aren’t you?”

The Master chuckled. He tapped her shoulder then took a step back. “More or less. The fact is, is that you’re the only person I can turn to for such a huge undertaking. The others simply aren’t reliable enough. This is something that you, and only you, can do.”

Ava paused for a moment. On the one hand, knowing he’d had that much faith in herbmade her happy. But on the other hand, the “important mission” he was coaxingbher into didn’t inspire much confidence. After all, she had no idea what the “mission”bwould entail, and she lacked the experience the others had. Still, she couldbsee that he was being sincere. The Master was never one to take serious matters lightly. So, having thought about it, she made up her mind.

“All right, if you say so. What is it that you need me to do?”

“It's simple – forget the notion of unions, find keyblade warriors with potential, and nurture them until they've fully matured ‒ in secret, of course. Then, when the time comes, send them off to another world. They will keep the light alive.”

Ava lowered her head and gripped her robe’s sides. “Are you sure that I’m right person for this?”

The Master gently lifted her head with his hand. “Ava, you're the only person for this. I know you can do it, and I trust you wholeheartedly. If I didn’t have some faith in you, then I wouldn’t have taken you under my wing. So, lighten up. This is your big break.”

“I understand but...you said that the Book falling into the wrong hands is something that could happen. But from the way you’ve been talking, it almost seems like you know something will happen. I-I'm not doubting you or anything! It’s just that…if someone does find the book, then…”

“Let me guess, you want to know what’s inside the Book that’s sooo dangerous, right? Hmm, I guess I could give you a hint. But you have to promise me one thing…” Suddenly, his voice darkened. “Don't get involved in anything going forward – not even squabbles between the others. You hear?”

“O-Okay. I promise.” Ava nodded.

“All right then. Tell me Ava, what is the one thing that people fear the most?”

She thought to herself for a moment. “I guess...the end of life? Or the darkness, maybe?”

“Good choices but no. The answer is rather simple.”

The Master bent down to her level then whispered into the side of her hood.

“It’s the truth.”

[macapacaalpaca]

Hey there! In honor of Thanksgiving in the states, can you tell us three things your MC is grateful for this year? What about their LI?

And if you want to tell us three things your thankful for too, go for it!

Hi! Happy thanksgiving! We don’t celebrate it in Ireland (I wish we did!) but I think it’s such a lovely holiday and hope that everyone who does celebrate has a great day 🧡

My MC is grateful for:

Love. As generic it may seem, she is so grateful for Ethan. He makes her life better just by being in it and there’s nobody else she’d rather have by her side. As well as Ethan, she’s so grateful for the gang and of course her family. They’re a tight knit group and she wouldn’t want it any other way

Jenner! Her favourite golden ball of fur and joy. In my hc he lives with Alan in Providence but they visit often. Ethan always says that Jenner gets even more excited to see MC than him another reason he should be marrying her asap

Coffee. It is what keeps her alive and alert every day after all 😅 But as well as that, it’s one of the first things her and Ethan bonded over. Their first date to the coffee shop was one of the factors that changed their relationship from mentor and mentee to lovers. Now coffee is not only her favourite drink, it’s a chance for her to spend some quiet time with her man whenever they get the chance

Ethan is grateful for:

MC. Of course. The light of his life, the love he never knew he needed until it practically hit him in the face. She changed his entire world, opened his eyes and gave him a new perspective. He’ll always be so grateful for that. And as much as his past self would never have admitted, there is no greater joy in his life than being in love.

The hospital staff. The nurses, doctors, surgeons, physical therapists, cleaners. Everyone who plays a part in such a selfless, difficult career. Edenbrook prides itself in providing the best care for its patients and that would never be possible without wonderful people. Ethan acknowledges and appreciates every single member of staff in the hospital because it could never function without their hard work.

Naveen. His father like figure, his mentor, his best friend. How could he have survived all those years in Edenbrook without him. Much to Naveen’s denial, Ethan knows that he wouldn’t be half the man or doctor he is today without his guidance. Even if he’s retired now, Ethan still admires him as a doctor and I like to think Naveen still calls in sometimes to check on the chief. As well as that, him and MC visit him regularly. Including today to celebrate thanksgiving!

I’m grateful for:

Life, in general, and health. This year has been challenging in terms of my health and although it’s one of the hardest things I’ve had to go through I’m grateful to be alive and to still have the chance to live life to the fullest.

My friends and family. Where would I be without them, I don’t know! Through the hard times and the good ones it’s made me realise just how lucky I am to have the most amazing people in my corner. With my family, when we all come together there’s nothing more special. And of course I’m so grateful for my tumblr family! Everyone who interacts, posts and messages, you keep this community thriving and bring me so much joy. Grateful for every single one of you 🤍

Opportunities. Life is full of them and I’ve really seen that this year. The most important thing is to take them! The opportunities I’ve been given have been one in a million - I mean seriously, who would’ve thought little old me would get the chances to become a published author, work with the department of justice and be invited to join my county’s women’s assembly? Madness, but the best kind!

Thank you so much for this lovely ask! 🥰

[manifestomode]

Hello, I’m new,.to Japanese dating Don’t laugh at me. Here goes,.I’m a Synthesizer programmer and a Depeche Mode emulator + and I would like to make friends especially with a Japanese girl. Any suggestions without using dating sites?

I’m a big fan of Japanese people and some favorites like the man who created the company named Roland music Corp. as well as Yamaha and Korg and my first synthesizer was made by Roland. I also love some Japanese inspired prophetic animation like Robotech, The Transformers and ThunderCats, at least that’s how it comes across to me. I also believe that Japanese girls are of priceless value those that still value honor and love before anything. A quality of people that are worth getting to know if they value their respectful culture and politeness and kindness, which is lacking in western culture these days, so I wish to make friends as well as find my lover. & maybe Learn some Japanese and help someone learn English in return …

So also I believe much Japanese technology is superior as well as the mentioned companies prove it in my opinion, even though I have other favorites synthesizers as well, I tend to like more Japanese technology than any other and I’ve always been a fan of Godzilla 😆 and those types of movies,. and I believe Japanese women have a high beauty and they take care of themselves very well. Unlike western culture although I know people are people they seem to carry themselves in a more spiritual manner rather than with such narcissistic vulgarity of the western culture. I appreciate any suggestions. End of course the katana has always been my favorite sword of all time and I believe it has been proven superior as well. I am concerned about all the earthquakes and how everyone is doing over there and I am sending my prayers and I recommend to everyone to view my page for books. Suggestions in these Unstable times we do need spiritual guidance. And I should clarify I do not make any money off of any of the books. I suggest I simply do it because of the love I have for people.

I am honored to meet anyone with an open heart and mind to the spirit of love and compassion,.. and so I’m concerned for Japan and I wonder how things are holding up after the earthquakes because I have not seen any news as the United States isn’t on reliable unreliable these days to let us know properly about anything.

Please let me know, regardless of any shame that should not exist for we are all human and need help when these things happen and I will do my best to use my spiritual gifts to help if I cannot physically help now unless somebody needs a humble space to rent that is inexpensive next to me. I’m not the owner, but I can introduce you to the nice lady that is related to me in case you need to move away from Japan and are open to friendships as well, as you will be under the same roof sharing a close by space that can be fun if we make it that way. I hope everyone is being helped properly. If not, please let me know and I will pray and you could send me personal messages and I will pray for your situation whatever it is… 

[thereluctanthousewife]

The Pain of Goodbyes and the Joy of New Beginnings

Today, I realized that my family and I moved to the US almost to the day last year. It feels surreal. Has it really been that long already?

It feels like a lifetime ago, yet it also feels like time has flown.

From the moment we landed to today, I feel like I've been on the go, with scarcely a moment to examine how I'm feeling or to reflect on the experience.

My family and I have gone through so many goodbyes... Moving six times in a dozen years will do that to you. It's physically challenging, mentally and socially draining, and depending on the location and culture, emotionally taxing.

Each move has been different.

Each experience distinct from the one before.

There are things you miss from the old place when you move. The people, the food, the restaurants... Most of all, you end up missing the comfort of the familiar. The certainty that you know where to go, who to turn to or what to do when something occurs.

When you move, you realize all the things you take for granted. You need to find new doctors, new dentists, even a new hairstylist. You need to know where to buy groceries and good produce, discover alternatives to old favorites, check whether they do things the same way or different. When you move, you need to know where to find answers to your questions, and whether the advice you receive has merit.

It's difficult to penetrate the bond that occurs among townspeople and community members. For a newbie like me, who prefers to spend time alone observing before I push myself forward to make friends, it's doubly difficult. Yet, I've done my best to find my tribe here. For my children's sake and my own.

I've realized that unconsciously, my children definitely look to me for guidance on how to approach any new world. My oldest, as introvert as I am, withdrew into himself. Though that's my default for any new environment, I realize I can no longer do it. I can't encourage him to make friends when I don't have any of my own.

There have been countries that I've embraced wholeheartedly, despite language barriers or cultural differences. I realize that how I approach this depends a lot on my excitement, on my ability to envision a life for us here.

The first few moves were easy. Exciting. Challenging.

I embraced the change with open arms. Perhaps because I also wanted a new beginning. I was running, and I wanted to start fresh. This was especially true of the first relocation.

The second time was still okay - it brought me closer in distance to my family. The culture was great in both. We were embraced with open arms, and it felt like we belonged. Everyone was a transient, and everyone came and left. Goodbyes weren't new - they weren't welcome, but people understood it.

We returned to the Philippines once.

It felt good to be back into the bosom of my family. The snide remarks and the pointed comments about my weight weren't welcome, but that's par for the course with Filipinos of the older generation. I've learned to shrug those things off, and not take them personally.

In the Philippines, I found a renewed sense of purpose. I realized that I loved being busy. I realized that I could have both a professional life and a personal one, and that there was nothing to stop me from still chasing my dreams. It felt karmic that I discovered a new joy within myself in the land of my birth.

It seems ironic that I left.

But when I did, I carried my work with me.

I discovered that feeding my own soul made me a better person. A better mother. A better wife. I used to set my needs aside to take care of my kids. I never went out unless it was while the kids were at school.

I found that being self-centered was important. When my own bucket was full, I could easily fill the buckets of the people around me.

There have been a few departures that hurt more than others. Not only because of the pain that comes with severing connections, but also because of the death of the future you envision.

I used to think Australia was my soul country.

If the Philippines reignited my joy, Australia rekindled my passion.

In Australia, I learned I'm so much more than the person I thought I was. That I am capable of unbecoming the person everyone thought I should be, and that I'm free to discover who I want to become. Without apology, excuse or explanation.

How freeing.

I'm not in love with our new home yet. I'm still in the getting-to-know-you stage, but I'm giving it a chance.

Despite the difficulties that come with every new place - it is still liberating to be here. I can revel in being myself. I don't get judged for things I have no control over - like my appearance.

I don't get defined by who my family is or by what they did or didn't do.

I don't get scrutinized for my background or my past - like what the older generation has done.

Being in a new place is tough, but it leaves me free to define who I am. On my terms.

And there's joy in that.

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

i honestly can't even put a finger on what i want anymore like i feel like i know more about myself than i ever have while i also don't know anything at all either at the same time lmao i've been indistinctly living my life in other people's shadow, chasing whatever made me feel most alive in any given moment and i don't even necessarily find anything wrong with that because i know i am a creature who wants love more than anything else. i used to think i stayed alive out of spite but no it's because i want someone to love and for someone to love me and for us to take care of each other. i've also done everything in my life in service of finding my soulmate, whether i actively understood what i was looking for at the time or not. of course the one who woke me to that concept is the one i turned around to face again but i hate how stupid i am about it LMAO i'm being coy but. i want simple things, i feel like. i literally just want to fall asleep while he's working in the same room... i want to watch shitty movies and laugh with him... explore the world, eat food, learn things to impress him or make him laugh... make him gifts, take a drive i mean i feel like i'm not asking for much but because i'm in the same league as a flea on a dog's back it is so disproportionate to my life. i read tarot to feel like i'm talking to him i wait endlessly for life to feel soft enough to give and look for a hole that will lead me to what i want but nothing ever changes because no matter how desperately i want it, miracles are only for people who deserve them so it's pointless but that changes nothing. i always felt like i was being lead to something but the only time i actually found myself on the other side of it was this time and i don't know if that means that it's actually the "right answer" this time or if i'm just getting better at figuring myself out lol... i know it's pointless to complain about or even talk about it like this because there is no help there is no guidance that can be offered there is no reasoning that will help me make a decision either way i just am trapped until i decide if i'm willing to be disappointed or humiliated by my lack of understanding of how the world truly works. i can't tell if my belief or disbelief is winning out but i know it's stacked like the rings around a tree or whatever and i know it's gay as hell to try to describe your emotions to other people because it's sloppy and inaccurate and like trying to run ocean water through a sieve or whatever and no one can ever truly understand what you mean unless they've been there and i have never truly held anything like romantic love in my own hands so i just seem desperate and pathetic to anyone who actually has real problems which is fine... i know it's laughable to anyone that isn't me for me to try to put my feelings on the same shelf as anyone who can actually talk to the people they love... honestly it's laughable to me, too. i think i'm more rational than i give myself credit for, unfortunately. i can't surrender completely to anything because if i let myself believe i can be happy and get what i want, what if i just get hurt worse lol idk. i just want whatever you're willing to give me and i feel like i can almost touch you from here and i feel like you can hear me and relaity is starting to give way under my prying fingers and yet you're still not here and i'm still not even reayd for you to look at me. i feel like a monster waiting in a dark room for someone to open a door like i haven't been in here long enough to transform into a real person and fool you that i'm worthy to be loved. excuse me if none of this makes sense (doubt anyone is reading this regardless but. whatever) i woke up to his voice and i felt like i had to say something. maybe one day i'll get what i want....... or i won't. i've tried very hard to make my peace with it this time around. i can't be mad at him for anything because my life is so far removed from everyone else's reality and i can't ask for anyone to wait for me to climb up to the level of human being, y'know.

[citrusella-flugpucker]

https://www.tumblr.com/can-i-make-image-descriptions/704588725997404160/general-guide-for-image-descriptions?source=share

Hi! Thanks for sending this, and I imagine I can figure out how you decided to send it to my blog! (Specifically (this parenthetical is for my followers' benefit, not yours, since I know where you found me), I replied to someone on a post calling out some users' behavior in requesting image descriptions (can link the post if needed but am avoiding at present for de-escalatory reasons), explaining why I thought someone who writes image descriptions themselves would still advocate for others to write them (and why not everyone who doesn't ALWAYS provide them is necessarily ableist--they can be, of course, but there are myriad reasons someone might not). Other people in the post's replies reported also getting sent this link, so this anon is probably monitoring the replies of that post and contacting everyone who gives it a note of any type.)

I know all of the guidance the post you've linked here shares, so I thought I'd elaborate more on my personal philosophy regarding image descriptions.

...I love creating accessibility where I can manage to do so! I was a longtime contributor to community captions on YouTube before the feature was shuttered, and I do my best caption or transcript my own content or to provide alt text where my posts contain images (I know there have been a handful of times I've forgotten to do so, though, especially on the alt side of things). Heck, I'm thinking of creating a zine (as in a physical one, to distribute locally) and trying to figure out how to offer it in braille and described!

I actually recently attended a panel hosted by the Longmore Institute on Disability at SFSU where blind/low-vision/partially-sighted people (and the attendees) were given three different audio descriptions of a comic produced with different description philosophies (one described like a movie's video description track, one the artist's extremely detailed sort of description intended for editors, and one a hypothetical narrative-like (i.e. written like book prose) description). The panel was a discussion and Q&A regarding what they liked best, some thoughts on best practices, and some ideas specific to art and comics. One thing I found striking was one of the panelists thought it'd be an interesting idea if it were possible to have multiple granularities of description available to choose between, kind of like how sighted users can zoom in on something or look closer at the detail. (This is only tangentially related to your ask, but I just think it was a really cool panel so I decided to take the opportunity to gush about it. Hope that's okay. XD)

Here's what happens when an image or video is not mine, is undescribed and/or untranscripted, and it crosses my dash:

I give the first reblog I see of it, by the person I've followed, a like. That was my introduction to the post in question, after all!

I open the notes and start looking for an existing description of the image(s) in the post (or transcript, if it's a video) that I deem satisfactory. If I find one, I reblog that version. Sometimes a description exists in the notes and I deliberately avoid it because I think it's so bad as to be about as useful as not providing one. Usually in such a case there is more than one description I can choose from, thankfully. (This was not the case a few years ago, when image description was... like... less cool or something.)

If I don't find one and I'm up for doing it myself, I do it myself. (I am more likely to be up for doing it myself right now if an adequate description would be fairly simple/short. More on that later.)

If I'm not up for doing it myself and it's a video with open captions, I may be likely to still reblog it. (I do understand that this can still present inaccessible content for deafblind people especially (and also hearing blind people as well, but to a lesser extent).)

If I'm not up for doing it myself and it's a video without captions or an undescribed image, I consider whether or not I want to reblog it. Sometimes I still do. (I understand that this is bad for visual accessibility.)

Those last two bullet points sound TERRIBLE! I'm deliberately choosing inaccessibility when I led with saying I love it?! Hypocrisy!

But here's the thing: I do things this way because in the past those last two bullet points used to be "I don't reblog it until I am up for doing it myself". Yeah, I made a full-on resolution that I was going to make sure all my posts were fully accessible! Great!

...But then it started to actively be a problem, because my workflow went like this:

See post

No description on post or in notes

Draft post to describe later instead of reblogging immediately

Forget draft (my disability makes this distressingly easy to do in Tumblr's last few layouts, more on that in a sec, but you should know I currently have 3292 drafts for all sorts of reasons (mostly not description, I'd imagine), that date back to before I graduated college eight years ago)

Never reblog post

Repeat

Mutuals wonder why I never reblog things anymore

...Which started to actively make my life worse because it was basically like I wasn't on Tumblr anymore.

Which in some ways I'm sure to some sounds like the "I can excuse racism" meme:

...But, like, I mean it was actively interfering with my mental health to a degree, because one axis of my online social life had basically been reduced to nothing. And it wasn't making anything more accessible, when I was completely forgetting to follow through like that.

So I stopped doing that and started letting myself reblog things again, so that I can have some connection to others on this site. XP

There are myriad reasons that someone might not be able to consistently provide image descriptions, but for me, writing an image description requires me to interact with a post in a very specific way, which is a way shared with the following activities:

Writing and timing closed captions

Writing transcripts

Actively monitoring edits and performing admin functions on the handful of wikis I admin (particularly ones without other active admins)

Probably other stuff, IDK, but it's a really weird analytical approach that I don't use for too awful much else

All of these are presently being affected by the fact I've been in disability-related burnout since February of 2020.

I don't provide image descriptions (or transcripts) as often as I used to.

I uploaded a minute-long video to YouTube last week and, as I always do with my content, manually created a caption file for it to avoid CRAPtions; even with YouTube's automatic speech to text and timing, I took twice as long to correct and accurately time the video as I used to take to do a full video of that length back when I was community contributing captions in 2019/2020.

I mostly only wiki admin in the sense that I'm not letting the wikis burn down. A few times for an especially important edit that required admin functions (or AWB to do a lot of little edits faster) I've put together the time and energy to try to get it done.

I cannot get my brain to do it. This is even though I can spend the same amount of time doing something else that I might have used to image describe, because whatever that something else is usually doesn't require the same headspace/skill I need to use to describe.

I'm not going to branch out to the other ways this burnout is affecting me (for instance, at my actual literal paid job), but the fact I've been in it for four years now should... say something. XP I'm slowly digging out, but I'm not there yet.

I'm not going to be like some others I've seen and stamp my foot and refuse to provide descriptions for anyone now because you did this. That would just make things bad for other people. I'd love to provide them more! But I'm not currently in a place where I can do that.

I do understand that by not providing one when one does not exist, I am not doing anything to make the post more accessible, and that I might be presenting some of my followers with content they are unable to access. However, my own current access needs regarding trying to nurse myself out of disability burnout are in direct conflict with being able to regularly provide them. I'd love for that to be over, so that I'm at least describing more often, even if I still occasionally don't describe things.

But in the meantime: If you care about access needs, I'd hope you care about mine, too.

Lastly:

If you meant this link to be for actual information, I regret to inform you (again) that I already know all of the information in it. I've been trying to look at more advanced resources, talk/listen to blind people discuss the topic, attend things about image description (like that panel I mentioned), because useful and understandable image description is very important to me even if it's very difficult for me to do right now, and I'd like to learn all I can. At this point, I need more advanced resources than what you've provided.

If you meant this to be some sort of "own" for the people who gave a note to the post you probably were monitoring to see my reply: [Velma voice] You stop that. Sending it to everyone, regardless of what they said on the post, gives off an air of "look, it's so easy, you're just not trying hard enough!" and makes it seem like you didn't actually read what they said in some cases (like mine, where I shared a very short version of this explanation in the replies where I basically said "image describing good, more people should do it, brain making it hard right now").

For people who agree with the cause of spreading the act of describing images so it's not all on a handful of people, that might not result in anything bad happening (though you might be preaching to the choir, i.e. telling them something they already know). But if someone's less wholeheartedly on the description train, the fact you're sending this to everyone unprompted might come off a bit condescending, and might actually backfire into having them decide not to image describe. (Which is not a course of action I agree with. I think it's silly to purposely choose inaccessibility because a few people were condescending, weird, or jerky about it to you. But it is a possibility, you may or may not be aware.)

TL;DR: Thanks for the link but it's too surface-level for me. I love providing descriptions but some things are making it hard for me right now. I want those things to get better but until they do I'm probably going to be at a lower describing rate than usual. Sorry!

EDIT: Mutual dared me to add a jokey longpost tag I was originally considering tagging this post with so it's now the first tag on the post, lol