#of anything i love how the friendship parts specifically were written. the struggle. the mess. the unwavering support.

[aprilblossomgirl]

-- I don’t know how much further we have to travel before we find our space. We may have to pass difficult curves and crossroads we have to guess whether to go left or right, or how many times we’ll choose to turn back. 

First Kanaphan Puitrakul as Akk. Khaotung Thanawat Ratanakitpaisan as Ayan. Neo Trai Nimtawat as Kanlong. Louis Thanawin Teeraphosukarn as Thuaphu. AJ Chayapol Jutamas as Wasuwat. Pawin Kulkaranyawich as Namo. Ployphach Phatchatorn Thanawat as Sani. | Our Skyy 2 x The Eclipse (2023)

[yoongiseesawmp3]

brown piano - yoongi

i’ve never written fic on this account before so bear with me, but here’s a little something about the only man i trust. and no i will not be capitalizing anything xx

summary: friends to lovers. yoongi and y/n have known each other casually for a couple years and never intended to take their friendship further than a few study groups together or the occasional dinner with friends. but being in the same applied piano class has brought them together, and their mutual love for epik high bonds them more than they’d like to admit. 

warnings: language, probably. there’s a couple cliches in here too, i couldn’t help it. i probably only refer to yoongi as a honey dumpling twice 

word count: 8.3k (its really just a long ass love letter to bv4/in the soop yoongi)

playlist: end of the world - epik high, gsoul / love song - epik high, park sung woong / go - epik high / can you hear my heart - epik high, lee hi / life is good - epik high, jay park

“fuck,” you whisper, nimble fingers slipping over the wrong keys once again. for a music composition major, you’re pretty lousy at practicing your instrument. mostly because you practice and mess up and get so frustrated that you stop for a minute to scroll through your phone and before you know it, your time in the practice room is over. 

the time limit on your practice contributes to your stress, but the keyboard you keep tucked in the corner of your apartment just doesn’t do this song justice. a lot of the students in the school of music ignore this room, because the old brown spinet creaks too much for their “high class” performances, but you like it for its personality and the all-encompassing feeling it gives to your songs. when you play this piano, you can’t help but listen to its song. a keyboard or a grand can easily become background music to you, but this one is stubborn. it will not be ignored, so you come back to it when you need to fall in love with a song again. 

the pinging of your phone pulls you out of your daydreams about the daunting black and white keys in front of you, and you check the time left on your reservation before opening your messages. 

it’s a text from yoongi, who’s been talking to you more often lately. usually you just exchange pleasantries with each other when your big group of friends happens to get together, but you’re both in this applied piano class and it was nice to have a familiar face among the pretentious students you struggle to get through lectures with. 

the quiet music technology major never caught your attention before this class, because he never had much to say when you were talking in passing. but this class has taken your friendship from nonexistent to yoongi texting you semi creepy photos of you through the practice room door with the text “your posture is shit, that’s probably why you keep messing up.” you swivel around on the bench to glance at the door and notice a mop of black hair in the distance. he must be finishing up a session in one of the studios because he’s usually your competition for this practice room. the piano reminds him of the one he played growing up, he says, so it’s the easiest for him to practice on. he’s more gifted than you are however, so he doesn’t need to practice for class as much as you do. hell, he could probably think of a song to play on the spot and still ace the performance midterm without another thought. 

“where are you headed?” you text back, shuffling your sheet music together as neatly as possible before you start gathering the rest of your things. “i sounded so bad that you’re running away?”

“no,” he replies, and you can picture his shoulders shaking with a silent laugh. “need coffee.”

“omw,” you text quickly, going from tenderly placing things in your bag to slightly shoving them down enough to zip everything up securely. you gaze sadly at the piano before you leave. you really should try and practice some more, you have a few minutes left in the room, but you let out a sigh and head for the door instead. you need coffee and your dumpling shaped friend right now. hopefully the combination will help you get over some of your stress.

you find yoongi just outside, leaning up against a pillar of the building with his hands in his pockets and a bucket hat that he’s produced out of nowhere pulled over his head. he peeks up at you from under the brim when he hears the rickety doors clang shut, and he smiles slightly before pushing himself off the stone column. 

“how’s the song coming?” he asks casually, leading the way to your mutual favorite coffeeshop like it’s second nature. which honestly, it’s getting to be like that. how did you go from barely knowing yoongi to spending almost every day with him? 

“uh, my fingers don’t work anymore i think,” you explain. “i’ll get it though. i just need to practice more.”

“i could always help you,” he offers. you quirk an eyebrow at him and he continues. “like, i could listen and maybe watch the way you’re playing, and if there’s a spot you’re constantly messing up on i’ll just know to cough a lot during that part of your performance so the professor doesn’t hear it.”

“wow, who would’ve thought that min yoongi would be my knight in shining armor,” you joke. “what were you working on?”

“another song for my mixtape,” he tells you simply. “i want to sample an epik high song, but i can’t find one that fits the vibe yet.” 

“hmm,” you think. “you’ll find one. or you can wait for their new album and use something off of that.”

“yeah, but i won’t have the same connection to those songs that i do with the old ones, you know?” 

“then just go back to your favorites. have you tried doing something like lesson one?” you ask as you arrive at the coffeeshop. yoongi opens the door for you and ushers you inside, scooting you out of the way so someone zooming by on a bird scooter doesn’t accidentally clip your heel. 

“when i first started working on this i tried doing my own version of it, but i don’t think anything i have to say would be better than tablo,” he explains.

“that’s not how you should be thinking when you’re making music,” you scold. “whatever you make will be worth listening to, and whatever you say in those songs will mean something. thinking like that will only limit what you make, min yoongi.”

he pauses and looks at you with an unreadable expression before he pulls his lips into a straight smile and nods. 

“huh. you’re right, y/n,” he sighs. 

“and for that little nugget of wisdom,” you say, “you owe me a coffee. toffee n-”

“toffee nut latte with no sugar, i remember,” he says, cutting you off as he pulls out his wallet. “what size?”

“considering i’m a little high strung from not nailing my song yet, probably a small,” you tell him. he nods and orders you a medium anyway and gets a muffin for you two to split. you fall into a comfortable silence as you wait for your order, but yoongi breaks it after checking his phone.

“namjoon wants to know if you’re free this weekend,” he deadpans, making it sound like a statement when it’s meant to be a question.

“i don’t know, why?” you ask, pulling the warmed muffin closer to you. you start picking out one of the chocolate chips before you continue. “isn’t it fall break? i’ll probably stay here and practice. it’s too short of a break for me to go home.”

“apparently we’re all staying in a cabin or a box or something up in the mountains,” yoongi says. “it’s supposed to be a combined birthday trip for him and jungkook, i think it might just be the guys but he says you’re welcome to come with us. he says you look stressed.”

“why does he think i look stressed?!” 

“because you do,” namjoon says, popping up beside you from one of the couches against the wall. he must have been buried in a book or his laptop, because neither of you noticed him when you first walked in. he gives you a casual side hug, tussling your hair and talking to yoongi above your head. “hey hyung.”

yoongi grunts a hello in response, and you share an eye roll with namjoon before he goes on about the whole mountain thing. he explains where it is, how long you’ll stay, and some of the other specifics that have already been arranged. it sounds nice, so maybe you should go.

“you should really come,” namjoon half pleads. “it’s kind of last minute, so not many of our friends can make it, but we need you to be the dj for the weekend. and i think you deserve a break.”

“you do,” yoongi chimes in, picking up your drinks and leading your small group to a table near the window. “it’ll help you come back to the song later without getting tired of it. you should never be frustrated when you’re playing.”

“i guess i’ll consider it,” you say. “you’re lucky i live too far away to go home for just a couple days, otherwise i would have to turn you down.”

“and i don’t need that kind of rejection on my birthday,” namjoon teases.

“your birthday was last month,” yoongi points out. 

“but i’m celebrating it now, hyung. birthday rules still count for the celebration of said birthday.”

“yeah, but it’s not fair that you played the birthday card then and you’re doing it again now...”

sipping your latte, you laugh to yourself as yoongi and namjoon go on with their petty argument. you notice a fleck of chocolate on yoongi’s lip from the muffin, and you involuntarily lift your hand to wipe it off, but you stop yourself before it can be noticeable. you just let your hand fall to your coffee cup and take another sip of your drink, thinking about how many clean sweaters you have that you can wear this weekend. 

-

you end up in the car with jin, hoseok and yoongi on the way to the cabin that they all rented. you’ve been roped into cooking duties for the weekend, and the four of you went grocery shopping before heading up to the mountains to meet everyone else. actually, you begged them to let you cook, bring booze, anything, since they didn’t let you chip in for the weekend at all in the first place.

“i’m not going to invite you last minute and then make you pay for anything,” yoongi told you clearly as you left the coffeeshop after talking to namjoon. “plus, jimin owes me at least $50 for ruining one of my mics, so i’ll just make him pay extra.”

like namjoon said, you are technically the dj for the weekend. you know the guys well enough to know what kind of music they want to listen to, so you crafted the perfect road trip playlist and shared it with hoseok, who’s in the front seat. he’s groaning and skipping each song he doesn’t like while jin calmly drives, complaining every now and then when hoseok skips a song jin knows all the words to.

and yoongi? well, he’s quietly scrolling through his phone beside you in the backseat. jin insisted on you sitting back there, claiming hoseok has some kind of carsickness that only appears when he sits in the back, so that meant you and yoongi were cramped in the tight space together. no biggie, but you keep bumping elbows with him, and you have to pee, and you didn’t sleep enough the night before so you’re already a little testy. you try to situate yourself so you hopefully forget about your need for a restroom and you bump into yoongi once again, and it sets you off. you don’t do anything aside from shoot him an angry glare before huffing a little bit and adjusting yourself so you’re fully looking out the window next to you. a few moments pass in silence save for the sound of go by epik high playing over the speakers. 

you’re pulled from your mini rant session in your head to, oh my god, yoongi nudging your arm. you’re ready to give him a piece of your mind when you turn to lock eyes with him, but the delicately peeled tangerine that he’s offering you is so...confusing? and slightly endearing, so you abandon your plan to be mean to him and just graciously take the sweet fruit. 

“where’d you get this?” you ask as you pull apart the half he handed to you.

“did he give you a tangerine?” hoseok asks with a smile, peeking at you both in the rearview mirror. 

“yeah, like out of nowhere too.”

“if it’s oddly warm y/n, don’t be alarmed. he keeps them in his pockets for safekeeping,” jin explains.

“in your pocket?” you laugh, making yoongi’s cheeks tinge pink. “have you ever sat on one?”

“i don’t wanna talk about it,” he grumbles, bowing his head to focus on peeling off the stringy white skin left on his slices of citrus. the car falls into silence again and you notice everyone bobbing along to the epik high song still playing. you smile to yourself and finally pop a piece of the tangerine into your mouth. 

it’s maybe the sweetest thing you’ve ever eaten, and you surprise yourself by thinking for a moment that its sweetness could be due to the fact that it came from yoongi. 

“are you still working on your mixtape hyung?” hoseok questions, once again warmly breaking the quiet of the car.

“yeah, why?”

“have you tried doing something like this?” he asks, referring to the last few bars of go that play as jin turns down a road that must be just seconds away from the house, it looks exactly like the pictures the boys have shown you and you let out a sigh of relief at the thought of a bathroom and a bed. 

“i have,” yoongi starts, peeking at you without turning his head. “y/n suggested it, actually. we talked about going back to this album for inspiration and it’s helped a lot.”

“it has?” you ask, beaming at the thought of bringing yoongi out of his funk with your mutual love of this group. yoongi simply shrugs and makes some non committal sound as the car comes to a stop.

“alright everybody, thank you for riding jin express. please don’t forget to rate and tip this ride in the app once you exit the vehicle,” jin jokes. everyone shuffles to get out of the car, and as hoseok pops the trunk you’re reminded that you really should start cooking right away. you politely ask hoseok to bring your bag in with his stuff, and he promises not to drop it before you grab some of the groceries and head for the kitchen. 

-

once everything is taken care of and the cars are unloaded, you find yourself in the middle of a crowded kitchen full of ingredients and booze and boys. not a bad place to be.

hoseok did bring your bag in for you, you can see it laying by the couch a few steps away from the kitchen island. you’ll just have to hope there’s a room left for you at the end of the night, because your back won’t do well on a sofa.

“so what are we making, chef min?” you ask, washing your hands after playfully pushing jimin out of the way.

“carbonara,” he says simply. “namjoon’s request.”

“and did you get what i asked for hyung?” jungkook asks, several beer bottles distributed evenly between both his hands. as he waits for yoongi’s answer he passes the bottles around until everyone has a drink and he looks satisfied.

“yeah, we got the pizza stuff. we’ll make it tomorrow when we watch the movie.”

“what movie are we watching?” you’re curious, only because the last movie you watched with them was one you’ve all seen hundreds of times collectively so it was less watching and more reciting the movie line for line.

“that’s a secret,” jungkook says with a glint in his eyes. “my choice.”

“it’s gonna be some sappy love story, i’d bet ten bucks on it,” jin jokes.

“make it twenty and i’m in,” taehyung adds. 

“oh you’re on.”

-

despite never cooking together before, you and yoongi are a well oiled machine. you receive some help from jin in the form of chopping or washing, but for the most part it’s you preparing everything, from the chicken to the sauce and handing it off to yoongi to be finished in the biggest pot of pasta you’ve ever seen. it smells amazing though, and you’ve attracted a park jimin who’s a few drinks ahead of the chefs and he has a mischievous idea in his head.

“so how long have you two known each other?” he starts out innocently, speaking more to you than to yoongi. 

“uh, i guess i met yoongi at a party freshman year, when i met all of you. but he was arguing with someone, so i didn’t get to say much. just introduced myself and moved on,” you explain. “we haven’t really been friends, at least i would say, until we took this piano class together.”

“and how’s that going?”

“fine, considering he and i are the most competent out of all of them,” you state matter of factly, earning a chuckle from yoongi.

“most of the kids in there took this class thinking it’d be an easy elective grade.” yoongi adds, sliding beside you and reaching across to grab the colander you just used to drain some vegetables. as he retreats you catch a whiff of his cologne and a hint of tangerine. you smile to yourself and turn back to jimin.

“plus yoongi and i played the same song for our first assignment, so i had to confront him about that to establish dominance.”

jimin laughs maybe too much at this, and yoongi pipes in from the stove to quickly change the subject.

“y/n, i’m gonna need the cheese for the topping soon.”

“yes chef!”

dinner is ready soon after that. jimin had to be removed from the kitchen for tasting things that weren’t quite cooked yet, and jin took his place next to you. it seems that all of the boys are interested in learning more about the person that yoongi insisted on inviting this weekend, but you don’t know that. after a final taste test from the three of you and several approving nods, jin summons everyone from the rest of the house.

“it’s ready!!!” jin yells. it’s too loud for the situation but you’ll soon learn that these boys usually are. it gets their attention though, because one by one they file into the kitchen and grab plates and start serving themselves. you get your own plate and follow behind taehyung, who’s currently wearing a blanket cape. while you wait, you feel a tap on your shoulder and turn around to find yoongi.

“y/n, i already made you a plate,” he tells you, holding up one of the two plates in his hands. “c’mon.”

“oh, thank you,” you reply, returning the plate in your hands and gratefully taking the one yoongi extends to you. 

“did you hear that? he made y/n’s plate and not mine,” jungkook pouts.

“yeah, my feelings are hurt,” jimin whines. 

“at least it’s not your birthday!”

“i wouldn’t have made you a plate no matter what, jimin,” yoongi defends himself. “but i wanted to be sure y/n sat next to me, i was at the food, i got a second plate. no biggie.”

“leave the man alone,” namjoon cuts in. “he’s being a good host to the outsider.”

“outsider?!” you ask incredulously. “i just made you dinner. be nice to me, birthday boy.”

“y/n, i looooooove you,” jungkook coos, plopping down at the table across from you and yoongi. “it looks delicious.”

“it really does,” namjoon agrees. “thanks for making it. especially you, y/n. you didn’t have to.”

“i don’t mind,” you shrug. “besides, i wasn’t sure how well any of you could cook and i didn’t want to eat shit for the weekend, so...”

your sly remark is met with a chorus of insulted voices, mostly from jin and yoongi, but jimin pipes in that he’s good at everything while namjoon and taehyung insist that they “try their best” in the kitchen, and jungkook just nods and says something about ramen for eight. 

“yoongi’s quite the chef, actually,” jin says. “he can make almost anything.”

“that’s impressive,” you say with a nod, peeking at yoongi. his cheeks are turning pink ever so slightly. 

“yeah, you should ask him to cook for you sometime,” jin continues. “maybe after one of your late nights in the music building.”

there are knowing glances exchanged all across the table, but you and yoongi are oblivious. he hasn’t looked up from his plate in a few minutes just to be safe, and you really have no clue, you think it’s some best friend inside joke. which it is, depending on how you read the situation. namjoon brings the attention back to what the plan is for tomorrow, and the little tension between you and yoongi dissolves without notice until it’s time for bed.

after dinner, everyone went their separate ways, jin and jungkook flocking to the game console in the living room with hoseok watching on, jimin and taehyung made a mess of the kitchen as they cleaned up after dinner, and you found yourself outside by the fire with namjoon while yoongi shuffled through the cars, mumbling about some bag of producing equipment he couldn’t seem to find. it was easy hanging out with them, which is saying something considering that these boys are basically family. but they’ve welcomed you with open arms, and it isn’t until you’re bundled up with a nice blanket and a crisp cider that you realize how much you needed a break like this.

your eyes start drooping as you stare into the fire, and namjoon seems to have the same idea as you because you both stretch at the same time and mumble something about going to sleep. he says he’ll handle the fire, and you take the blanket from his chair, along with yours, and trudge back into the living room.

“hey, where did you guys put my stuff?” you ask, looking behind the couch where you noticed your bags earlier. jimin and jungkook are the only ones left awake, and jimin glances at you quickly before replying.

“i think jin brought your things upstairs, y/n,” he explains. “first door on the left.”

“oh, thanks,” you reply, gently laying the blankets on the back of the couch before you head to the stairs. “night guys.”

“good niiight,” they both sing-song back, and you laugh as you shuffle up to your room. 

the door is closed, so you reach out to open it with no hesitation, but when you see yoongi sprawled out on the bed, you jump a little.

“damn, y/n, you scared me,” he mutters, sitting up and dropping the notebook he had been scribbling in. “do you need something?”

“uh, no?” you reply, looking around. “i just, um, jimin said this was my room, so, i guess i opened the wrong door, is all.”

“wait, are those your bags? i thought they were namjoon’s,” yoongi says, pointing to, yep, your bags, laying at the foot of the bed. 

“what?” namjoon asks, poking his head into the room. “i’m with jungkook.”

“are there any rooms left?” you ask, looking between them both. “i don’t want to intrude, so if i have to sleep on the couch-”

“what’s with all the chit chat?!” jin whisper yells, popping his head out of the room across the hall. 

“y/n doesn’t have a room,” namjoon answers.

“no, y/n is sleeping with yoongi,” jin says, face twisting into a smile once he realizes his wording. “i mean, the two of you are sharing a room. you have the biggest bed, so i thought it would be more comfortable.”

“are you sure there isn’t another room one of us can sleep in?” yoongi asks with a certain emotion hidden in his voice that you can’t quite place.

“nope, y/n is your friend, so you’re stuck together,” jin says with finality. “now shut up, i already have to listen to hoseok snoring, i don’t want to hear any more bickering about beds.”

“hey, i don’t snore!” a voice, obviously hoseok, shouts from behind jin. 

“good night!” jin laughs, shutting his door. namjoon chuckles as well, giving you and yoongi a sympathetic shrug before he heads to his own room. leaving you all alone with yoongi. you slowly turn back to him, quietly shutting the door behind you.

“i, uh-”

“sorry-”

“no, you go.”

“i was just gonna say i could sleep on the floor,” yoongi offers, but before he can even finish his sentence you’re shaking your head.

“no way,” you refuse. “it’ll be no biggie, right?”

“right,” he agrees. 

“right,” you nod, convincing yourself that this isn’t as awkward as it seems. “i’m, uh, gonna go change in the bathroom though.”

“that would be smart.”

-

falling asleep in the same bed as yoongi was no big deal. really, what was the harm? it’s not like this trip has awakened feelings for him that you didn’t know you had...except it absolutely has. which is why you’re so freaked out in the morning when you wake up next to the man you just dreamt about cuddling all night. 

wait.

your pillow wasn’t that warm when you went to sleep. 

and you weren’t holding onto anything either.

cool, yeah, no big deal, definitely. you’re just latched onto yoongi’s arm while you drool on his shoulder. very attractive and not at all weird friend behavior. as you’re silently freaking out, eyes barely open, you register warm breath hitting the top of your head, and you look up to catch yoongi staring at you.

“oh, shit, sorry,” he stutters, pulling his arm from your grasp too soon. “i’m sorry, i wasn’t, like, i was trying to figure out if you were awake or not-”

“yoongi, it’s fine,” you laugh. “you staring at me is better than me turning you into my personal teddy bear. sorry about that.”

“you’re good,” he mumbles, sitting up. his hand rubs at the back of his neck, something you register as his go to nervous habit, as he keeps speaking. “it was nice actually. uh, because of the cold.”

“right,” you say, smiling to yourself. a layer of silence falls over you both as you lay there and yoongi fumbles for a minute on his phone. now you’re the one staring, looking up at yoongi’s delicate features like someone just took a blindfold off of you and you’re seeing the world in such a clear, sharp image. you’re noticing yoongi like you’ve never noticed him before. 

to stop yourself from memorizing the outline of yoongi’s profile, you pull the covers off and get out of bed, groaning at the cold. you throw on an extra hoodie and some wool socks, noticing yoongi doing the same. once you’re both dressed, you’re staring at each other again, and the silence returns. it’s not awkward, just heavy, and you break it with a simple, “yoongi?”

“yeah?”

“don’t tell the guys i drooled on you, please.”

“as long as you don’t tell them i was staring at you.”

-

the kitchen is buzzing more than you thought it’d be, cups of coffee already poured and the stove sizzling with eggs, sausage and some sad attempt at pancakes. last night when taehyung said he tries to cook, this must be what he meant, because the finished plate of “pancakes” looks like...a good try. 

you beeline for the coffee, inhaling the comforting scent and enjoying the warmth it brings to your fingers. as you take your first sip you realize the boys have been quiet since you and yoongi ambled downstairs.

“so,” jungkook begins. “how’d you two sleep?”

“fine,” you both reply simultaneously, raising a few eyebrows from your audience. convincing. 

“sorry,” you apologize. “not a morning person.”

“neither is yoongi,” namjoon notes. 

“seems like it’s a good thing you’re sharing a room then,” jimin says over the rim of his coffee mug, smug smirk not as clearly hidden as he’d like it to be.

“hyung,” taehyung pouts from the stove. “can you help me with these?”

“i’m not good at flour-based things,” yoongi replies without a glance, deepening the pathetic pout on the chef’s face.

“i can help you, tae,” you offer, sliding past him and taking the spatula. he utters his gratefulness, going as far as kissing your hand, and yoongi finds his ears flaring red at the sight. chill out, he thinks to himself. tae’s just being tae. 

but jin notices the change in yoongi’s demeanor after taehyung’s playfulness. it seems that when it comes to the two of you, one of the boys will always notice something before either of you do. 

-

ok, so, something that wasn’t made totally clear to you is the fact that this is a ski trip, the main event of the weekend is skiing, and here you are with nothing thicker than a nice sweater to keep you warm. maybe it was mentioned in passing and you just didn’t pick up on it, but the conversation last night at dinner made you realize how under prepared you were. 

that’s how you end up shuffling through the ski lodge down the street, laden in several borrowed layers. an extra pair of pants from jimin, a hoodie from jungkook and a jacket from hoseok. and yoongi’s gloves, which he insists he won’t need because he suddenly has to work on his mixtape before he loses his inspiration. you wonder if it’s the sight of the mountain covered in artificial snow that does it, because you’re even thinking about how you wish you could paint or draw so you can capture the true beauty of this place. 

but yoongi knows the reason he has to write these lyrics down now is because of the lingering feeling of you holding onto his arm, head on his shoulder and delicate breaths brushing over his chest as you slept so peacefully. in all honesty, yes, he had been staring at you, for quite some time actually. and it was while he stared that he got the idea for this song. 

so, yeah, he needs to write it down now, and he figures the best time to do it without prying eyes is while everyone is occupied with skiing. he hunkers down in the ski lodge, promising to watch everyone’s stuff as the rest of you layer up and carry the rented equipment outside to the slopes. you follow jimin and taehyung to the bunny slope while jin, namjoon and hoseok go toward the snowboard-only trails with jungkook deciding on the competition style ski slope. as you walk out, you look back at yoongi, admiring the concentrated look on his face as he passionately writes down whatever is on his mind, and for the briefest moment, you hope that he’s writing about you.

-

“i’m never going skiing again,” jimin declares, dropping all of his wet clothes in the living room of the rental as soon as he gets inside. “why did i fall down so much? how did i get so wet because of that?”

“well, jimin, snow is just frozen water, and water is wet, right?” namjoon teases. jimin’s response is to throw a soaking scarf at namjoon, gross ski slope water flinging everywhere in its wake.

“ew, jimin!” you yell, dodging the tail end of the scarf as it makes a terrible sound when it collides with namjoon’s chest. 

“he deserved it.”

“yeah well now i’m covered in your gross sweat water too,” you whine. jimin acts like he’s going to throw something else wet and squishy your way, and you shriek before you dodge behind yoongi as protection.

“don’t get me involved in this,” he groans. you mumble an apology, secretly wiping some of the water off on his scarf.

“i’m gonna go change,” you tell him. “so knock before you come in.”

yoongi nods in response, heading toward the kitchen to get out the ingredients for dinner tonight. as per jungkook’s request, you’ll be assembling your own pizzas, which means you’re off the hook for cooking, at least. everything is premade, it just has to be warmed in the oven, and jin has already declared himself the pizza master, so you just get to enjoy.

“wait, y/n!” yoongi semi-shouts, stopping you on the first step of the staircase. “can you take this up with you? you can put it on top of my black bag.”

“which one, you have three,” you playfully dig, taking the bundle from his hands anyway. it’s his jacket from earlier wrapped around something, his journal maybe? and you tuck it under your arm as you continue upstairs.

you drop the bundle on top of yoongi’s things, knowing he’ll grumble about it messing up how neatly he arranged all of his bags and their contents. that’s why you find yourself peeking back at it after you’ve changed. plus the nagging feeling in your brain that maybe, just maybe, there’s something written about you in there has you tip-toeing to the corner of the room before you gingerly pick his jacket up, letting his notebook tumble out. you hold back, neatly folding the jacket and draping it over one bag before you lean down to grab the notebook, which happened to fall face down, pages open. 

it’s not a crime that you glance at the words as you pick it up, and you’re reading the whole page before you can stop yourself. you’re about to start on the next group of words when you hear a knock at the door, and you drop the notebook, feeling caught. you scramble to put it neatly with his jacket, but the words inside are running through your head as you call out to yoongi that he can come in. 

if he knows that you were snooping, he doesn’t show it. he simply thanks you for folding his things, and you nod at him quickly before you duck out of the room and go back to the kitchen, all the while thinking about the lyrics that made your stomach do backflips while at the same time making your heart feel totally content. what you read on that page was pure comfort embodied in a few words, and it came from the comfort yoongi feels when he’s around you. you recognize that feeling, those words resonating because that’s the same way you feel when you’re around him. you smile to yourself, thinking about how to confront yoongi about this. 

except you can’t. because then he’ll know you were looking at his things, his innermost thoughts. you know how personal his lyrics are to him, and you know he’d be upset that you looked without his permission. so you resign yourself to making your sad little pizza, distracting your mind with cheese, cheese and more cheese. hoseok must notice the gloomy look on your face, because there’s suddenly a ball of sunshine at your side. he slides ingredients onto your pizza without you knowing, until you look down and see a smiley face staring back at you. you can’t help but laugh and lean into his warmth, giggling as he makes up some silly voice for the new pizza face he created. 

yoongi enters the kitchen at that moment, seeing how you smile at hoseok like that, laughing so easily at his actions, and suddenly the song he was so eager to write, to compose, to pour his heart into, suddenly he wants to go upstairs and burn the pages. he won’t, because he knows he’s just being jealous, but he distances himself immediately, silently helping jin with slicing some fresh onion or prepping the oven for another pizza. yoongi was ready to show the song to you after dinner, but now...maybe he never will. 

-

once you’ve all eaten an unhealthy amount of food, and consumed an impressive amount of alcohol (”we have to finish it before we leave!!” - jimin), you’re all gathered in the living room to watch a movie, another jungkook choice. it’s some sappy love story, and you find yourself looking over at yoongi each time something touching happens onscreen. jin notices as well, nudging yoongi the next time he sees your eyes drift in their direction. yoongi acknowledges jin, who directs yoongi’s attention to you, and when your eyes meet you can see something has changed. you turn away, looking back up at the tv and shivering despite the warm fire just a few feet away. taehyung, sitting next to you on the floor, offers you a corner of his blanket, and you take it, scooting closer to him as you try to focus on the terrible plot of this movie.

the boring movie, the warmth of tae along with the fire, and the two glasses of yoongi’s fancy whiskey you wanted to try now sitting in your stomach all lull you to sleep at some point. tae shuffling around next to you wakes you up, and in your stupor you look around and can’t find who you’re looking for.

“where’s yoongi?” you mumble with a yawn.

“already in bed,” taehyung explains. “he went up a little while ago.”

“hm, ok,” you half-whisper, voice barely returning after your quick nap. you stand up and stretch, alerting everyone to your movements because you’re right in front of the tv. jungkook whines, and you side step out of the way. “m’goin to sleep too.”

“alright,” taehyung says, pushing the blanket out of your way so you don’t trip. “sleep tight!”

“don’t let the lovebugs bite!” jimin chirps out, making some of the boys giggle. you don’t register it as you walk to your room, just barely awake. 

for the second night in a row you’re surprised to see yoongi on the bed, still awake, but tonight he’s got his laptop and all of his producing equipment is laid out around him. he doesn’t acknowledge you entering the room and you don’t pay him any mind either, kneeling down to rifle through your bags at the foot of the bed. once you find what you’re looking for, you can’t decide if it’s the sleep or the whiskey, but you unabashedly take your sweater off right in front of yoongi. suddenly he’s jumping out of bed, equipment scattering.

“uh, what- why, what, what are you doing?!” he asks, voice an octave higher than usual as he looks anywhere but down at you. you laugh at how jumpy he is, and quietly apologize.

“sorry, i should’ve warned you,” you explain. “too tired to go to the bathroom.”

“tha-that’s fine,” he replies, still not looking at you. “tell me when you’re ready.”

“good,” you say once you’ve pulled on the shirt you slept in last night. “why’d you come up here so early?”

yoongi risks a glance at you, color coming back to his cheeks once he sees that you’re clothed again. he starts meticulously packing up the tech covering the bed, leaning over his laptop and furiously saving what he was working on before he closes it. 

“uh, i just didn’t like that movie,” he lies, not wanting to mention how jealous he was seeing you laughing with hoseok and then sharing a blanket with taehyung. he doesn’t have a right to be jealous, but he is. he wants to tell you how that made him feel, but he doesn’t. 

“ugh, me either,” you groan, rolling up one of the stray wires on the bed before passing it to yoongi. “not my favorite genre.”

yoongi notices that you’ve folded the wire the way he likes, without harming it too much and with the ends tucked in just so. the fact that you remember such a small detail has his heart warming again, and suddenly the gloomy thoughts he had about tonight have washed away. he all but forgets why he was in a bad mood in the first place as he looks at you, crawling under the blankets and he has the urge to stop you, to wake you up again so that he can play you what he was working on. but he can do that later, he will. he sees you glance up at him, patting the bed next to you.

“c’mon, i promise i won’t drool on you tonight,” you assure him, and he laughs before pulling the covers back on his side so he can lay down. he turns the lamp off on his bedside table and then settles in, suddenly missing the warmth of you from last night. 

“good night,” he mumbles, looking over at you on your phone, setting an alarm for tomorrow. the rental ends in the early afternoon, so there can be no sleeping in. 

“night yoongi,” you reply, locking your phone. you keep it on your chest for a moment, contemplating how tired you actually are. before you came in, you could’ve fallen asleep on the floor, but now, laying next to yoongi, you’re reminded of those lyrics and you don’t think your mind can turn off. after a few minutes of silence, you decide it’s probably best to just try to sleep, having your phone on might bother yoongi. you need to charge it anyway, but you groan as you remember you never packed your charger. 

“hm?” yoongi hums at your sound of frustration.

“do you have a phone charger plugged in over there?” you ask quietly. 

“mhm.”

“can i use it?”

“yep.”

“are you almost asleep?” you ask, even quieter now, moving over so you’re a little closer to him than before. 

“trying to be.”

“i’ll plug it in then,” you say, carefully reaching over him to grasp blindly until your fingers reach the cord. you fumble with it for a moment, successfully plugging your phone in eventually, and you start to retreat to your side of the bed. as you pass back over yoongi, you place a quick kiss on his cheek and mumble another good night, not even realizing what you’ve just done. 

there’s no way you can fall asleep now, and neither can he. there’s a beat of silence before he speaks up. 

“y/n.”

“what.”

“look at me.” 

slowly, you turn your head back to him, and his intense gaze has you blushing before he even says anything.

“sorry.”

“don’t apologize.”

“ok. right. sorry,” you quickly reply, voice still barely audible, but with the lack of space between you two it’s not hard for yoongi to hear. 

“y/n,” he says again, this time grabbing your hand beneath the blankets. 

“yeah?”

“i think i might be in love with you.”

“that’s....nice,” you squeak back, and yoongi lets out a loud laugh. your blush deepens at the sound.

“that’s nice?” he laughs. “that’s all you have to say?”

“yoongi?”

“yeah?”

“can i kiss you?” you ask, propping yourself up on an elbow. it’s dark in the room, but you clearly see him nod, and you don’t even remember moving to connect your lips to his. the moment you do, there’s a spark of electricity flowing through you. it’s a simple kiss, lips moving in sync with each other, both knowing what move the other is going to make before you even make it. yoongi pulls himself up so he can cage you underneath his arms, long fingers brushing your cheek and sending more sparks down your spine. he cups your face as he delicately tries deepening the kiss, your lips opening just slightly to let him in. he tastes like mint, and something else, something....citrus-y. even though you don’t want to, you pull away from his lips, his pout chasing you as you rest your head back on your pillows.

“what, what’s wrong?” he asks, fear slowly creeping in.

“when did you have time to eat a tangerine?”

“seriously? that’s the question you have for me right now?” he asks, laughing again but quieter this time. it still makes you smile at the sound.

“hm, i do have one question,” you say. it’s dark in the room but you can see yoongi encouraging you to go on with a lift of his eyebrow. your smile deepens as you speak. “how long have you been in love with me?”

“okay, good night,” he grumbles, turning over. you let out a sound of frustration and prop yourself up on an elbow, holding onto his shoulder with your other hand. 

“this ok?” you ask quietly, slowly melting into his side. he makes a sound of confirmation, and you pull him back towards you slightly. “i still don’t have an answer to my question.”

“when did i fall in love with you?” he asks for confirmation.

“ooh, you fell in love with me, how romantic,” you tease. “i asked how long it’s been, but i’d take either answer.”

“ok, yes, i did fall in love with you,” he begins. “you’re annoying so it took some time.”

“hey.”

“not done.”

“sorry.”

“and how long?” he continues. “mm, when i saw your name on the sign up sheet for the room with the brown piano, that’s when i knew for sure. so i guess a couple months.”

“hm. alright,”  you respond, butterflies suddenly in your stomach and fluttering up to your throat. “that’s.....nice.”

that sends you both into a fit of giggles right as jimin and taehyung are passing outside your door, and jimin pulls him toward the sound. but taehyung accidentally bumps his knee on the door, alerting you and yoongi to their unwanted presence. 

“go to bed!” yoongi shouts, making you jump while scaring the now snickering boys outside your door. yoongi lays an arm over your waist seeing you jerk at the sudden noise, and you feel a little bit of that comfort that he so perfectly put into words with his lyrics. 

“you too!” jimin shouts back, laughing all the way to his room.

“and you called me annoying,” you whisper to yoongi.

“you know they put you in here on purpose,” he tells you.

“huh?”

“they knew i was into you, so they made sure we were sharing a room,” he explains. 

“so you knew about it too?” 

“i-i knew we might share a room, i didn’t know we’d be sharing a bed,” he stumbles out. “once i saw there was one bed i assumed they gave you your own room. i’m...i’m glad i was wrong.”

“well min yoongi, i never expected this,” you tell him.

“pff, seriously?”

“seriously,” you confirm. “guess i was too busy with my own feelings for you to notice that you were into me.”

“really?” he asks with a smile. you nod, but realize he may not see it in the dark.

“yeah,” you whisper. 

“how long?” he whispers back.

“honestly? probably longer than i’d like to admit. you’re really cute, you know.”

“back at ya.”

“not done,” you scold.

“sorry.”

“but i finally accepted it when i...” you trail off, and then you decide it’s best to just tell him. “when i read the lyrics in your journal.”

you can feel him stiffen at your words, but he doesn’t move his arm from its place on your waist. 

“which song?”

“the one from today,” you reply. “wait, which song? there’s more than one?!”

“uh, good night!” he exclaims, trying to turn away again. you grab his arm and stop him though, placing your hand over his.

“min yoongi!”

“hey,” he mumbles.

“i hope i get to read the other ones at some point.”

“you will,” he assures you. there’s a beat of silence before he speaks again. “uh, so, you still haven’t used the l word, and that’s totally fine, i swear, but, did i cross a line? by using it already?”

“nah,” you shrug. “i’m just not good at this, so you’ll have to give me a little time. i’ll say it when i’m sure.”

“alright. take your time,” he says with a nod. it’s quiet again, and you think you’re both finally going to fall asleep when you feel yoongi’s lips on your cheek. “good night, for real. feel free to use me as your teddy bear again.”

“you sure?” you ask with a smile.

“i insist.”

- 

the next morning, you keep it chill, trying not to tip off the guys and let them know their little plan worked. but damn, how sneaky of them! you’ll have to thank them later though. for now, you’re helping them clean the house so you don’t get charged for leaving the rental a total mess. yoongi is in the living room clearing bottles from last night and you’re washing dishes with hoseok. yoongi keeps stealing glances at you, and you stick your tongue out at him whenever he catches your eye. once everything is clean, and the bags are in the car, you’re ready to head back to the city to enjoy the last bit of break. 

you’re the car dj again, next to yoongi in the backseat again, but this time you have a new playlist. epik high’s new album came out this morning, so you queue that up for your intimate little listening party in the car. everyone is in a good mood from the trip, so you’re talking over most of the songs in the beginning, just noting quickly when you like a lyric or a beat. yoongi scribbles things down when the inspiration strikes him, and your mind starts drifting back to your performance midterm. you’re starting to think you may be playing the wrong song, but the question is, what song will you play instead? 

as you get to the end of the album, and the end of your weekend, one song catches your attention. you check your phone, noting the title as you turn the volume up slightly. you listen extra hard to this song, trying to memorize the chord progressions as they come. you start composing the song in your mind, tapping out the melody on your lap as you decide: end of the world will be your performance song. you glance over at yoongi, still focused on his notebook, and you reach out to lightly tap his hand. he looks up at you, hair falling into his eyes, dewy cheeks shining and mouth slightly open, questioning your actions with a quiet “hm?”

“i’m sure now.”

[jonroxton]

can you talk about chlark beyond chloe? personally i think it's weird that the writers kept adding kisses and weird romantic moments without any pay off. i don't know much about the fandom back then but i think the writers were baiting fans since clark/chloe seems to be the second most popular ship after clex. second i personally think chloe would never be happy with clark or anyone tbh and she doesn't seem like the type of person who would have kids so the finale was weird to me.

this got looooong :)

0. it WAS weird, and the choice to never not once go for it with them was to the story's detriment. I'll get into it a little later on in this post.

Re: shipping in sv fandom. there was definitely drama (clana was HUGE when the show was airing and every ship was basically derailed by it lol) but I stayed in my clois lane with a small circle of fandom friends much like I do now. a good measure of clois fans were fans of lois and clark from other mediums, come to sv just for lois and clark, myself included. we were pretty insulated as a fandom even back then. I do remember seeing more Chlark after the S5 finale (when Chloe kisses him goodbye), but those dropped off after Jimmy was introduced right away in S6. The most drama I encountered was with Chloisers: Chloe fans who believed wholeheartedly that Chloe was Lois. They hated SV!Lois and were convinced she would die so Chloe could take her name and job and place by Clark's side, thus a Chlark endgame. this was a popular theory amongst that fandom even into s9, when the clois ball started to roll for true.

bait and switch

a lot of Chlark is rooted in this notion that chloe WOULD be the best thing for Clark, the ideal Lois, the true best friend, the human hand guiding him through Earth's troubles. she would be could be the BEST possible lois archetype for Clark. it's not a wrong interpretation. she was specifically written as a lois-and-lana-proxy (teenage lana is a reporter in some AUs and even some as an adult as a tv correspondent) and she's given many lois-ish traits (tenacious, secretly crushing on clark and in denial), but this interpretation is deeply flawed. first, because lois does eventually enter into the picture and she has her own defining traits that, when compared to chloe, make chloe seem much shallower than realized. secondly, within the complete context of the story, her position in the greater narrative is not as ~the one who got away, the way it did very early on in S1-S4, but one who clark tolerates.

they're friends because clark is forgiving and chloe has staying power. their friendship is riddled with insecurities and unknowns the characters create for themselves. their dynamic is defined by conflict, not resolutions. this is not made easy by the fact that chloe is such a strangely written character, but ultimately she is positioned as a counter to clark achieving his happiness. not a thematic narrative foil but an obstacle clark eventually relents to.

2. and it has been so from the get-go

S1 is the best season for them and the single season which actually considers Clark's side in this dynamic. everything about them later on can be explained with how they are in this season. and that's the problem. when they're 14 it's nice teen angst drama and works perfectly to establish the dynamic. when they're 24 it's at best a pattern, at worst regression. we expect certain behaviors, dismiss them too, when it's children, at least I do. clark and chloe never move beyond the dynamic they establish in s1 and early s2. in essence, clark and chloe remain children around each other. they have many discussions in the later seasons that make at least one appear petulant.

so S1 clark has just been told the greatest secret of his existence and he imprints on lana hard that same night (right AFTER jonathan tells him, he meets lana at the graveyard and talks to her for the first time EVER, a lot of childhood imprinting going on in SV). all of s1 follows clark's heartache over lana, watching her from afar and figuring out a way to be near her. this pain is exacerbated by the fact that he believes he caused her her greatest grief: the death of her parents via the meteor shower which he arrived in.

here the first beat of the chlark dynamic is established: chloe's job and passion – the wall of weird and her pursuing the meteor infected oddities of SV - directly affects clark in a negative way (he's suicidal for much of s1-s3). so her crush on him is countered with her unknowingly causing him great grief. om top of that: clark becomes part of this passion of hers and she eventually begins to pursue him as a story to be uncovered, very superman yes. here tho, it causes nothing but strife for them and paints chloe in an awful light (and clark too, highlighting his refusal to open up). I personally enjoy this aspect of them in s1. bc they're so young I give em a free pass and it's a good conflict playing around with old superman tropes, but it makes for a fraught friendship.

3. the second beat

is that neither chloe's crush on clark, nor his asking her to stop pursuing his truth, do anything to stay her. her tenaciousness becomes intrusiveness and inconsideration (many of her accomplishments irt the daily planet are directly bc she betrays clark). she simply will not listen to her friend and does not believe his livelihood and autonomy is worth losing a story over. this is literally the opposite of comics/live action lois lane, who in various versions drops the clark reveal story to protect him. this passion turns vindictive pretty early for chloe, who eventually pursues stories about clark out of jealousy and entitlement (against lana also).

4. the third beat

is that clark doesn't ever see chloe as romantic prospect except this time in s1. the tornado trapping lana pulls him away from any solidifying of the clark/chloe dynamic, and that's that. but we know clark was willing to go for it in early s2 when he apologizes to chloe about running off on her. it's chloe who decides not to go on with the relationship. clark is visibly confused, but also 15 so he can't see that chloe is putting on a brave front to protect herself from clark running off again. I liked this too as it's another play on superman tropes, but my sympathy for them stops here.

5. and stays here

these beats are the entirety of this dynamic. everything about chlark can be distilled down to their childhood. it's why I don't hate them completely, bc I have a lot of love for kids who hurt in such a way and that time is never easy. in s8 (I think its s8) when we get a flashback to when they meet as kids (more imprinting!). little tenacious cute chloe kisses insecure clark bc of the funny awkward tension, acknowledging it, and then immediately takes it back because they're better as friends. (also they’re like 11 lol)

every single romantic moment with them is undercut either by chloe herself, or by the presence of other storylines/romances the writers wanted to pursue. the lack of integrity in chloe and the lack of interest in clark, regardless of how sincere their connection or how messed up, is a central part of their dynamic that needs to be reconciled with their friendship. and its exhausting bc there is never a point they are ever truly comfortable around each other.

6. to a fault

knowing the secret doesn't change chloe's methods. it doesn't make chloe clark's great confidante. if anything, it complicates matters for both because their relationship then becomes about the greater good and clark's great destiny. everything chloe does becomes about that, which in theory sounds awesome, but is executed much the same way as s1!chlark: by reiterating behaviors that highlight the negative aspects of that loyalty and the negative aspects of their characters.

the single time they do actively examine what this loyalty means and how chloe's hero complex complicates things for chlark is with s8 and davis. she protects davis with the skills of subterfuge and secrecy she developed as clark's friend. and it costs her jimmy and a lot of her personal integrity as a character. tho ironically it makes chloe the strongest she's been as a character. this is the first time clark is forced to view chloe as an enemy and he never quite recovers from discovering the dark depths she’s willing to go to. 

it's an arc dealing with the established beats: how far chloe is willing to go for a kryptonian (very far), how much she's willing to do for him (A LOT and all of it illegal), and what it costs her (jimmy). it deals with her jealousy (always second choice) and her motivations (uncovering the truth). this great want that she struggled with for years is turned on its head and examined, revealing just how weird and dark her hero complex is because obviously davis is not clark. davis/chloe served to highlight more than any other arc how it's really too bad that clark never saw her that way, because she has so much love to give and when channeled, it's a great force. only it's a great force for evil. clark has to confront that it’s not just lex but his other closest friend who is willing to go so far. they backtrack hard in s9 and s10 but they keep this underlying wariness in clark towards Chloe throughout. it’s not anything new, but it’s no longer subtext that clark doesn’t fully trust chloe.

7. And that's the rub

in the end. chloe and clark have many storylines they're in together and chloe's important.... to develop clark and as a counter to clark. clark never instigates anything, not once, for 9 years! when the show did give us Moments TM, clark is reacting, not actively making choices to connect to her. if anything, clark is incredibly awkward about chloe when they become intimate. he doesn't seem to know what to do with her crushing on him (the elevator scene is a great one to show just how awkward chloe makes him feel). more than that. clark never tells her his secret. and later on, chloe doesn't tell him half the crazy wild shit she does to protect him bc she knows he would disapprove. I still hold that the only reason they work is bc clark is a forgiving character and would give her chance after chance after chance. that's the watsonian explanation, but the doylist explanation is that the writers just never cared to explore them beyond this point.

8. and what was beyond that point?

they would've been a great counter to lexana in S6 and early clana (clark finally having a gf who knows). it’s playing the clark/Chloe as a straight lois/clark proxy before actually pursuing lois and clark. it could’ve been the precursor to davis and caused an even more personal conflict! the kiss at the end of s5 was their chance. they could've written chlark devolving much the same way lexana did in s6 (or not). but again. the writers never went that far and clearly never wanted to. it kept chlark forever in this stage of childhood friendship always on the brink of collapsing, tittering either way. it's also tough to speculate bc clark's just not into her. in fact he becomes more and more wary of her, to the point where he believes she can do horrible things, and he's right. the stories continually make their methods complete opposite.

they go out of their way to show chloe realizing how happy clark is with lois. and even play a joke on the fandom by literally turning her into lois and seeing the sparks between her friends. it's almost... cruel but it does serve to show how clark is when he's smitten and he's never looked at chloe that way except during the dance when they were kids. other unrequited dynamics have at least some spark from the desired, but nil from clark. clark is into chloe in late s1, but she shuts him down, and when he seems to be into her again (damn that s5 kiss was a good one lol), she shuts him down again. it's just a weird writing choice all around, and that they kept nuggets of it throughout the show is the thing I cringe at most whenever I rewatch.

9. bait and switch 2

with hindsight it is definitely ship baiting and that sucks for that dynamic bc without it their friendship would’ve been the stronger, or at least not full of so much negativity. all it did was remind everyone that chloe’s been duped since she was a kid and that clark is both stupid and strange for never noticing and letting her get away with shit just bc she’s the most loyal. I don’t ship them and even I get frustrated lol

[veronicamarsconfessions]

I was hugely excited by the announcement that a fourth season of teen noir show Veronica Mars was going to be made, nearly fifteen years after the show’s initial air date (and cancellation after three seasons), and five years after the crowdfunded movie came out. As soon as the show dropped on Hulu (or Stan, if you’re in Australia like me) – a week earlier than initially slated, I rushed to watch it. And I was so distraught by the ending that it genuinely took two days for my mood to return to something even vaguely resembling ‘okay’.

For those of you who haven’t seen it *SPOILERS FROM HERE ON*,

season four has Veronica (Kristen Bell) chasing down a serial bomber who seems to be trying to destroy the Spring Break business in Neptune. It turns out that the first bomb was set by property developer ‘Big’ Dick Casablancas, trying to destroy the Spring Break business in order to buy the waterfront properties cheaply, and the subsequent bombs were set by a pizza delivery man, Penn Epner (Patton Oswalt), who fancies himself a detective and is out to find glory after he is initially ridiculed for his public accusation of an incorrect suspect. The season itself had several issues (one of them being some seriously murky motivations behind Epner’s behaviour, like, if he really was that much of a genius, why was he a pizza delivery man?, and that the people ultimately behind the crimes are more or less ‘hidden in plain sight’ all along, which is a disappointing departure from the way the initial seasons cleverly hid the villain until quite late in proceedings). However, the issue for which there is not enough therapy in the world to appease me is the season’s last-minute killing off of reformed bad-boy and Veronica’s long-time boyfriend, Logan Echolls (Jason Dohring), right after they finally got married.

Series creator and showrunner, Rob Thomas, justified this decision by saying ‘I know this seems crazy or harsh but Veronica is at her best when she’s an underdog and I don’t know that there’s much to root for if she’s now got a perfect relationship. I need to keep her fighting and I need to keep her a little bit uncomfortable in order to have a show. There’s nothing funny or interesting about perfection.’

Except that’s a deeply flawed understanding of how relationships function, and a deeply messed up thing to push on to people.

It’s fair to acknowledge that once the ‘will-they-won’t-they’ is resolved, TV shows often decline in quality, or at the very least, significantly depart from the original formula which made them into such beloved hits at their beginning. But there are two significant issues with this: First, the assumption that TV shows must remain the same in order to be good. There are some interesting observations that the job of the sitcom episode (in particular) is to return all characters to more or less their original starting points. While that is broadly true, TV shows, like life, need to evolve in order to stay interesting, and as across seasons, audiences grow alongside the characters they watch evolve and mature.

Nevertheless, it was fair for Thomas to note that the characterisation of Veronica is someone who is embittered and cynical about people’s fidelity and inherent goodness  – after all, when we first meet her at the age of sixteen, her best friend has been brutally murdered, she’s been raped, her alcoholic mother has upped and left, and her adored father and moral compass has been socially ostracised for a) doing his job and b) being not super wealthy. It’s a lot. Veronica’s very understandable trust issues are compounded by the moonlighting she does as a P.I where, to she regularly sees people cheating on one another and generally behaving in unpleasant ways. So it’s reasonable to point out that for Veronica, the notion of the ‘happily ever after’ is a deeply uncomfortable one. But to keep her in the same mindset as she was at aged 16 is to deny her the capacity to grow as a character.

It’s fair that there was a desire to avoid repeating the pattern previously established (withdrawn/bitter etc), but – and here is my ultimate point – that could have been avoided.

Some of the most complex and interesting storylines come from couples who get together and have to navigate relationships; compromising to fit together, find a way to make it work. Think about the evolution of Niles and Daphne’s relationship in Frasier (and leave aside some of the aspects to his earlier infatuation with her that seem distinctly distasteful in a post-#metoo world). While much of the humour between them in earlier seasons was because of his unrealised ardour for her, after they became a couple, the hardships they navigated through being a couple, and the deepening richness of their relationship that was both romantic and based in friendship, produced some truly hilarious moments. Similarly, one of my (and our fabulous Chief Nerd, Elise’s) favourite TV shows, Chuck, *SPOILER* has the two leads get together in season 3. The show was no lesser for that fact because as Chuck and Sarah’s relationship deepened, they explored facets of themselves that they hadn’t previously shown – it provided more material for the writers, not less.

One of my favourite articles on the ending of Veronica Mars, season four, pointed out that Logan has the most interesting character development because he works to better himself – he has come a long way from the miscreant teenager who organised ‘bum fights’, and he had the potential to become an even more interesting character. How this interacted with Veronica’s cynicism could have provided significant fodder for more story.

But, giving full credit to Rob Thomas for a moment here, the show is called Veronica Mars, not Logan Echolls. So the decision to axe Logan was made to push Veronica’s character development forward, especially given the shows position as a gender-flipped noir which so often has the embittered, cynical detective dealing with the ongoing pain of a tragically killed love.

But the problem is that I can’t actually see how this is going to do anything but ossify Veronica’s primary characteristics: bitter, a hardnosed and reckless desire to catch the bad guy at any cost. Moreover, in most of the noir detective stories, this love has died before we meet the hard-bitten detective.

Thomas said to The Hollywood Reporter, “Moving forward, we’re going to really build around [the idea that] the case is the thing and less of the soap opera of Veronica’s life.” Except Veronica Mars is all about character. Her interactions with her father, Keith (Enrico Colantoni) and the genuine bond of affection between them evokes some of the show’s most poignant interactions. Her internal struggle when the pursuit of justice comes up against questions of morality is inherent grounded in her character. One of its most interest aspects across the years is that Veronica is often wrong. She falsely accuses people (including Logan himself), she behaves badly, she takes her friends for granted, and she can be reckless to the point where she endangers herself and someone has to come in and rescue her (case in point: wandering into the base of an Irish gang that had a particular grudge against her father). So to strip away the elements to the story that allow for depiction and consideration of those complexities would be to lose much of the show’s point.

There’s also a part of me that feels the way in which Logan was killed feels personal. Logan and Veronica were never initially meant to get together, but in the first episodes, the chemistry between the characters, and Kristen Bell and Jason Dohring was so profound that it was written in. I might be putting on my tin foil hat to say this, but it feels as though Thomas resented the manner in which LoVe became such a pivotal part of the Veronica Mars ‘brand’. What really underpins that for me is that the way the series sent off other characters was considered, and gave them a certain ‘exit’. The way in which Logan was killed off feels almost like an afterthought, made more so by some of the questions that arise from the manner. How did he know that she would be in it when it actually blew up? Moreover, the convenience of him leaving a voicemail for his therapist about why he wanted to marry Veronica (why exactly would he call his therapist to tell him about his epiphany? Who has that kind of relationship with their therapist?), and this woman’s decision to keep it from Veronica for a year seems weirdly contrived. Because it was.

However, to be fair, one could claim that the season mistreated some of its other characters, too. Tina Majorino who plays Cindy ‘Mac’ Mackenzie specifically noted that she did not want to return because she did not want her character to be sidelined. Similarly, the complexity to Eli ‘Weevil’ Navaro’s character was stripped away, as was the depth of his relationship with Veronica. What’s worse is that this could have been a really interesting storyline; why he decided to walk away from the court case which would have seen him awarded with compensation for what happened to him in the movie. While we are told that his wife left him along with his child, prompting him to return to his old gang-running ways, the depth of his grief and the reputable life he lost were never really portrayed. Honestly, I would have preferred that rather than the convoluted storyline that involved Mexican cartel hitmen.

But beyond my argument as a writer as to why Logan’s death was a totally unnecessary element to bring in, it also feels like a real slap in the face to fans. I’ve previously talked about the relationship this show has with its fans. Realistically, season 4…hell, the movie, only existed because of the love and support fans showed the show.

Any narrative material exists to interact with fans. Obviously, there is a fine line that can cross into blatant pandering, and there is also a trend that offers a ‘gritty’ or ‘sad’ end (ie the tragic death of the lover), but it’s a balance.

The Veronica Mars movie was very much fan service – it was, after all, fan funded. Much of the movie’s contents and storyline were determined by what Thomas was seeing from fan comments on social media, noting “I did have an idea of things people wanted to see, characters I wanted to get an appearance in, whether it felt extraneous or not.” He added, “there’s no way in the world we would have had a fan-funded movie and I would have killed Logan,” he added.

In the same interview, he said, “I fear that leaning into the high school soap that the show started out as is a losing proposition, that it will start feeling nostalgic rather than vital. If Kristen [Bell] and I want to make more of these Veronica Mars mysteries, I think it’s going to survive best as a true mystery show with a badass PI at the center of it, and I think that works better if the PI doesn’t have a boyfriend.”

Yet for a show whose who schtick was challenging the noir detective genre, it seems the prospect that someone fundamentally gritty and damaged can also have a relationship that the struggle to be healthy was simply a bridge too far.

And at the crux of it, what really frustrates me – as a fan, and as a writer – is that for Thomas, it simply felt too hard to give Logan and Veronica an enduring relationship, and it if wasn’t too difficult, then he perceived it destroyed some fundamental part of the show by making it emotionally sappy. If that’s the dichotomy in which Thomas thinks, then Veronica Mars is no longer the show which attracted its die-hard following of fans and may as well be a different show with a similar premise.

[venus-says]

Healin' Good Precure Episodes 21-30

Hope you're comfortable and have your reading glasses on because I'm about to rant.

It has been a long time since I came here and bashed my thoughts on this show for young kids, but you know? It feels like just a couple of weeks have passed.

And I say this because to my surprise, and maybe disappointment, not a lot happened in these 10 episodes. Does it mean it was bad? Not necessarily. Excluding maybe 2 or 3 episodes, I had a great time binge-watching these last episodes in the past three days.

Usually, in a Precure season, the episodes that follow the debut of the mid-season Cure are used to insert the new character in the team, create connections with each member, make us feel like the newcomer belongs here. In Asumi's case, these episodes also had the function of building her as a character since she's someone who literally just appeared out of thin air. And these episodes haven't done either of those things, in my opinion. I came out of these 10 episodes with the same basic information I had from last time, she's clueless, she's obsessed with Rate, as a Cure she is gorgeous and cool as heck, but maybe a little too overpowered. I know nothing about Fuurin Asumi.

One can argue "well, she was just brought to existence, it's obvious you know nothing about her because there's nothing learn", but that doesn't mean that they couldn't build her character. They decided that her whole thing would be learning about human emotions(?) and they could've chosen some specific points that would help her to build her personality and her character, give her goals and ideals, a reason for her to be a main character in this story. And while we see evidence that she has learned the meaning of those words and she can recognize them on herself and in other people, this is not a personality is just a computer recognizing patterns.

The feeling I had while watching these episodes was that she was a blank canvas just so that the writers could use her as a jack-of-all-trades for whatever situation they were trying to build in the episode. And this inconsistency with her is pretty evident, I mean in one episode she exhibits a lack of knowledge about basic human feelings, but then she suddenly knows what rap is even though we haven't seen a single instance of her having contact with it, and then later we see she giving Grace life advice.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed and had fun with Asumi in those isolated instances, it's because of them that even with all the problems I have I still like Asumi VERY MUCH, the thing is that this isn't an episodic show where each story is centered on itself and there's not a bigger picture to be seen, this is a continuous narrative so just isolated moments aren't enough. Imagine how much more meaningful it would have been if the words they decided to explain to Asumi were things that deeply connected with her, imagine how much more fun the rap gag would've been if we had seen before she going out on her own and meeting with random people on the street and we had a precedent of her knowing something that was weirdly very specific and seeing that being brought up in the future as her unique comedy gag, imagine how much more meaningful her words to grace in episode 29 would've been if we had seen her gain that level of understanding of human emotion in a way that wasn't by just explaining the definition of that word in a dictionary.

The reason why this "arc" feels so frustrating is that the basis for something great is all there, they just don't use it at it's fullest which makes her, who could've been the most interesting character the Precure franchise has ever seen, just another one, and that hurts. Because I freaking love this spirit lady and I wanted her to be more.

Overall rant is done, let's talk about each individual episode, shall we?

I know it doesn't seem like it, because I've written around 600 words of how disappointed I was, but I had a great time doing this mini-marathon to catch up with the show. I don't know if it was because it had been so long since I watched something Precure related, or if it was because my expectations were low since even though I try to avoid seeing other opinions before I write my own reviews since it has been so long I couldn't really avoid that and those comments weren't really that positive, or if it was because I was live-tweeting my impressions instead of taking my usual notes. but overall my experience was great. Even in the episodes I didn't like or had major issues with, it wasn't to a point where it made me regret the decision of getting back to this show so most of these are going to be very positive.

Except for the final three episodes, I'm not doing these in the correct order so I decided to leave the episodes I disliked for last. I'm probably going to go overboard with the negativity in those ones so if you don't wanna any of that you can leave before me going in the mean territory.

Anyway, Episode 21. That was a very fun one, it had a good combination of comedy with endearing moments and even bigger picture stuff. It was still early on Asumi's journey so her cluelessness was very fun and endearing and I had some great laughs with that one (that moment where she struggles with the chopsticks was my favorite bit. I also liked seeing Nodoka work her way around to let Asumi stay at her house, I like how straight-forward it was and how the lie developed after it, I don't know how Nodoka's parents bought the story but I loved it. The theme for Asumi this time was learning about empathy (I think?) and she and Nodoka had some great exchanges in the episode. Getting more development with the Mega Parts was also good, there were interesting bits of information like how to harvest them and that they can be injected in the Mega Byougens by anyone, it doesn't need to be the one who began the infection. Also, the group roll call was very cute, I love Rate touching paws with each of the healing animals, and the new eyecatches are cute as hell!!!! I also liked the special intro bit with Nodoka and Asumi, I wish they did things like that more.

Episode 22 was a bit weird. The lesson of the episode was about the word "like", but it was a bit confusing. It seemed that the point they were trying to make is that liking sometimes it's hard because is something you can't control, but it didn't connect very much with the conflict between Rate and Asumi? I think very valid and important points were raised throughout the entire episode, but in the end, to me, it felt more like a plot about empathy, because Asumi wasn't being considered of Rate's feelings and the resolution for the main conflict in the episode was about that, but I can also see the logic behind what they were doing it's just that they could've been more clear in that aspect. Regardless, this episode gave us the starting point for one of the relationships I enjoyed the most in this run that was Chiyuu and Asumi getting along so well, I honestly thought Asumi would be more connected to Nodoka and the animals, but she has a lot of chemistry with Chiyuu and it was a delightful surprise discovering this friendship.

Of the initial episodes to connect with each Cure, Episode 23 was probably the weakest. I think Hinata and Asumi didn't really click for me when they were together, and teaching her the concept of "cute" didn't seem all that useful to me, the impression it gave me was that they couldn't think of anything else meaningful Hinata could bestow on Asumi and they went with the easy route instead of putting in the work to make something bigger. With that being said, I really appreciate that in no moment of the episode the show tried to tailor Asumi for her to think that only one thing that follows a certain aesthetic pattern can be considered cute, I was very afraid of that happening and it was a huge relief to see that it hasn't happened. One curious thing about this episode was the Cures directly interacting with civilians, has that already happened and I just forgot about it? Or was this the first time? That got me really curious.

Episode 24 was a mixed bag, it introduced elements that I liked but it overall gets ruined by what I've mentioned at the start and also because it can be summed down to Spirit Lady Too OP. The thing I liked the most in this episode was seeing Asumi connect with another adult human, it was a nice interaction that I was really into it and that I hope keeps happening in Asumi episodes, to me it was an example of interesting interaction outside the Cures' circle that could be meaningful for building Asumi's character (if they were really concerned in building her one). I was also pretty excited for a new general and Nebusokku seemed to have enough to be a fun character, sadly he was defeated in the same episode which was kinda disappointing and it left me with the Batetemoda blues. There was also the portal stuff that was random and it never happened again and, I don't know, it just felt way too convenient. Spirit Lady is too OP and, sadly, that's a problem.

Surprisingly enough, Episode 26 was one of my favorites. I know it's just a clip show, but you can see that they cared enough to make this feel like a genuine episode and not just something that you can skip if you want. Maybe they could've put a little more of care into it since they made the big mistake of saying Asumi wanted to do a Rate Diary but all the questions and recollections Asumi got were from everyone BUT Rate, but I still really enjoyed the episode. I really like the journey of Asumi not being scared in the cold opening, to the group deciding to make something that is nice to her but that will also surprise her, and the cute moment at the end was a really nice payoff. I also like how Asumi stumbled upon the information about the festival and seeing her actively wanting to be part of the team and her being sad for feeling like she was being left behind without making a big mess about it, like she was sad but she also (miss)understands what's going on and that just makes her even sadder. This recap episode gave up more characterization about Asumi than the episodes that were meant to do that and this is both impressive and sad.

Speaking of episodes that characterize Asumi, Episode 27 was another great one at it. Again, Asumi connecting with another adult being determined to help, feeling frustrated for the Hot-Air-Balloon Team loss and wanting to actively do something about it. It was really great seeing her so assertive, and seeing her feel so strong about something, and even better, something that wasn't related at all to Rate. She felt like a real character, a real human, and I really liked that. This was a very straight-forward episode but I think it works completely in favor of the episode, I like the plot, I like the characters of the day, I like that even Nodoka's father got some characterization since now we know he was a Hot-Air-Balloon nerd, we even got a new element bottle. It was simple and it was great.

From this point on we're on Salty territory so read at your own discretion.

Going from the one I have the least to talk about, Episode 29 was boring I thought they were going to do something bigger, considering what episode 28 was, and if you disregard Cure Earth giving really mature advice about something she shouldn't have the know-how to talk about they had a nice bit of Nodoka going reckless and she realizing she shouldn't be so hard on herself, but that was pretty much the only thing this episode had going for it. I really couldn't care for anything else, the comedy felt very odd, and getting the final bottle for the shelf was very underwhelming.

Then we have episode 25, that feels disconnected from the rest of the storyline, and that is just here in the bottom list because of two factors. The first is the fact that is a very cliche plot and the show didn't bring in enough new elements to make it interesting, instead, they wanted to make it WAY TOO SAD for that little girl and it was just cruel to watch it because I knew all the time Pegitan would eventually leave her and I wanted that little kid to be happy because she seems like a good kid. My other problem, and my biggest one, is what started this whole plot. I hate the "I'm a boy, I'm not cute, I'm cool" line of thought, and while it makes sense that Pegitan, being as insecure as he is, would have a concern like that, I hate that the show makes Chiyuu feel guilty and blame herself for doing it, and I hate it even more that at the end the major message was "Yes, Pegitan, you're cool" instead of "It's okay for you, as a male, to be cute". From a franchise that two years ago was saying boys can be princesses, this feels like a step back and I hate it.

Episode 30 was one of the most boring things I've watched in this season. To begin, what the hell were they thinking of making Hinata, of all girls, to be the one to not know tigers and cats are related? She lives in a veterinary clinic, both her dad and her brother should've mentioned that at some point, and I'm being gentle here and not considering this as common knowledge for 14-years-old kids. Then there's the thing that completely ruined the episode to me that was that little boy and his friend. I really didn't care for this random character with the most white straight male thought ever wanting all of their friends to be the same as him because he doesn't like to have their world views being challenged. If it wasn't for the eventual cute interactions between the girls this episode would've been the worst.

And there's an element in this episode that ties in with Episode 28 which is, without a doubt, my biggest problem with this series: the villains.

I hate the Healin' Good villains, all of them. Except for Batetemoda, but he's dead so he doesn't count. This is probably the most uninteresting set of generals of the entire franchise, and we live in a world where the Trio the Minor and the Mahou Tsukai villains exists. Guwaiaru is way too dumb, his dumbness is supposed to be played for laughs, but when you repeat the same joke of him adding more stuff to a bigger thing to make it stronger, or dirtier, or spicier, in the span of 10 episodes it doesn't become funny, it's just tiresome. Then there's Shindoine, who's flat-lined as hell. Her whole thing, her only thing, is her unhealthy obsession with King Byougen. She doesn't have anything else besides that, she doesn't do anything interesting, every time she's on-screen she's talking about King Byougen, and it's not fun, it's not interesting, it is a big pile of nothing. And you would think that after Anacondy, Papple, and Gelos, the creators of this show would know better and wouldn't make another general that is so in love with the leader of their organization to the point of doing dumb shit that could get them killed, but no. We gotta raise the stakes. And as cool as powered-up Shindoine looks, I can't get excited. Because she, just as her companions, doesn't change as characters. They are the regular "pick a stereotype and make a character out of it" gone to an extreme and in the most boring way possible.

Thanks, I hate it.

And then, there's the biggest offender of them all. Daruizen. He is the "bored one" and that's enough to make him boring because he doesn't have anything to pique my curiosity to learn about him or see what he's capable of. In other circumstances, this would be fine, but her companions are just as boring, and the thing that maximizes this as a problem is that for some reason the creators of this show thought it was a great idea to pair him up with the main Cure. And when you do something like, to make sure your audience will be completely on board with you, you gotta make sure both characters are interesting enough to carry this on.

The catch is that Daruizen isn't interesting at all, the thing that makes Daruizen interesting is the thing that makes Nodoka/Grace less interesting, and that's not a good balance.

When Episode 28 decided to make canon that Daruizen is the result of a parasite that took residence in Nodoka's body they elevated his level of in the scale, now we have a very close connection that raises the bar for the rivalry these two have and it also drops answers for questions we didn't even know we had. But they couldn't leave it at that, they had to undermine their main character and probably the whole, show while at it too.

The thing that made Nodoka such a unique lead for this show was the fact that she is a sick kid, we never know what her disease is, and I understand the reasons why the show wouldn't want to pin-point and existence disease neither create a fake one, but we know her health isn't one of the best, we've seen her suffer because of it and the show wasn't shy of putting images of the main character in a hospital bed. And this is very important because, while the majority of the target audience most likely has never been in those conditions, I'm sure a lot of kids, and even adults, who unfortunately have been in hospitals for most of their lives watches this show for hope, for strength, for comfort, and having a main character similar to them is strong as fuck. But when you make Nodoka's disease to be something magical you devalue a lot of that. Yes, magical or not, Nodoka did experience her disease, that affected her, that changed her. But just how it magically came to her, it also magically left her body, and sadly that's not a luxury that we in the real world have... and that affects people. Of course, I'm working here just based on assumptions, thankfully I never had to be hospitalized and the closest my family got to that was when my aunt got her tubes tied and the period right before my father's death, so I may not be in my place to say, and I really hope I'm wrong in this, but I do believe this was a bad move for the representation.

Even if I'm wrong (and I really do hope I am), this still isn't a good narrative move because it just turns this show into something very focused on the lead cure when this is supposed to be a show about a team. It makes it feel like this world spins around Nodoka, and not that Nodoka spins WITH the world she's in. This deep connection with one general, that isn't emulated with the other generals in parallel to the other Cures, makes it feel like she's the only one important and that nothing else matters, and this saddens me because makes it look like I hate Nodoka when I deeply care for her and this is the reason why I'm so mad about this mess. Now that I think about it, it's very similar to Kamen Rider EX:AID to a certain extent, and from all the aspects I could draw a parallel this is definitely the worst one to intersect. Well, at least they haven't made her be the be-all-end-all of the show (yet).

But just to not end this on a negative note, Episode 28 did gave us one of the most emotional scenes ever between Rabirin and Nodoka, and that crushed my heart, I had no emotional structure to sit through that without shading tears. It was an amazing scene. And Episode 30 did end on a good cliffhanger, it feels like we're entering the final arc that will lead us to the Christmas special and then the finale, and I'm very curious to see the path this show will take.

And that does it for me. I feel like I've written way much more than I should, and maybe I'll have to write more because I'm not necessarily sure if I should post this right now considering the US Elections, but regardless, whenever you get to read this share your thoughts with me, I feel like for this block of episodes more than any other else I'm really curious to see what people have to say about it. And considering the sheer length of this post, if you're someone who's reading this on tumblr, consider going over to the blog (the link should be in the sidebar if you're accessing it via pc) the comment section should allow for a better discussion that doesn't need to be broken down in several replies like here on tumblr. Without anything else to add, I think it's time to sign off. Stay healthy, stay safe, never stop resisting, thank you so so so much for reading this insanely huge post, and until the next time. Healin’ Goodbye~

[gra-sonas]

Roswell, New Mexico’s Michael Vlamis sat down for an exclusive interview with HypabIe, and we got into everyone’s favorite alien love triangle.

Michael Guerin has a lot on his plate in Roswell, New Mexico season 2. His brother died, his sister’s husband died, he’s trying to resurrect the aforementioned brother, he’s learning more about his mother, and he’s trying to pretend that his hand wasn’t miraculously healed. And you thought your 2020 was off to a rough start!

We’re not sure how the guy is even finding time for romance, but we’re so, so glad he is. While struggling through things with his long-time-love Alex Manes in season 1, he also found a connection with Maria DiLuca. In season 2, it looks like he’s chosen to give things a shot with New Mexico’s most beautiful bar owner.

Of course, my first question was about Malex. Are things really over? What’s to come for them? “In a romantic sense, yes, this is the end for now,” Vlamis confessed. “But we actually had more scenes together this season than in season 1 where we really get to work on our friendship, which I think is what we really need.”

That’s probably not what Malex fans wanted to hear, but there’s still hope. If you read to the end of the interview, Michael Vlamis reveals his favorite Malex scene from Roswell, New Mexico season 2, and it sounds like a really good one!

Also, Vlamis revealed his three favorite songs to get into character as Michael Guerin. They are the incredibly fitting “Buckskin Stallion Blues” by Amy Annelle, “Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to be Cowboys,” by Waylon Jennings, and “First Day of My Life,” by Bright Eyes! If you don’t remember, that’s the song that Michael and Alex shared their first kiss to. *swoon*

Hypable: Often, different romantic relationships bring out different sides of people’s personalities. What’s your favorite thing about Michael with Maria versus Michael with Alex?

Michael Vlamis: I think with Maria he feels safe. I think with Alex there are moments of him feeling safe when they’re intertwined and in the bed and a couple moments we saw last year, but really he’s never feeling safe. Yes, his hand’s heeled now but he’s still wearing a bandana to hide that. First of all, because if anyone in the town pays attention to that they’re going to be like, “how did his hand get heeled?” but also that bandana is a reminder of the pain that he’s gone through in his life, and that pain, unfortunately, is directly correlated with Alex.

You might see a little bit of a softer side when we see Guerin and Maria coming together, and that was really fun to play. Everything’s okay. This is fresh, this is good, this is kind of my new home right now where I can come back to.

Hypable: What can you tease about Guerin’s journey to find his mother in ‘Roswell, New Mexico’ season 2, and how both Maria and Alex will be involved in that?

MV: Yeah, so over the whole season I really spend time trying to break that story and figure out what happened, which is just helping me figure out who I am, what’s my self-worth, and just kind of piecing together why I am the way I am and trying to piece together a family. Because yes, I have Isobel and Max…well, I had Max, but I never really felt like I had a family. Over the season, we’re trying to uncover this mystery of where my mom really disappeared, especially Alex. Was she in Roswell, for a little bit of time before she disappeared? Did she ever make contact with anyone?

It was fun to go back to the 1940s, early 1950s and see what life was like in Roswell back then. With the costumes and the set decorations there was a lot of fun to be had on set with that. As I am unveiling the story we see that story unveiled in the flashbacks. That was really cool.

Hypable: Isobel and Max have both begun to explore the breadth and potential of their powers. Will your character be doing the same in ‘Roswell, New Mexico’ season 2?

MV: Not exactly. Michael is playing a little bit of the victim card. He’s just been punched on his whole life, and taking a beating. And now, he lost his brother. It’s like when you go through a break up, right? You don’t care about anything else, you just miss that one person. What he’s thinking about right now is escaping, so he’s not trying to get his powers any stronger because part of him probably wishes he was just a normal guy who didn’t even have these powers. Then everything would be so much easier and they wouldn’t have had to kill a bunch of girls and stage a car accident and deaths. That’s all stuff that he doesn’t want. He was a good kid who was off the college, and then all of a sudden this changed his whole life and he’s just been kind of dealing with that ever since.

Hypable: On top of missing Max is he feeling any kind of pressure to take on Max’s role as the traditional big brother?

MV: One hundred percent. Their whole lives Max was always the hero and I think in a way, Michael, looked up to him for many years. But then when Max made the decision to cover up the murder instead of letting ourselves be exposed, I don’t think Michael Guerin wanted that. He’s a selfless guy for the most part, and he means well. I think he wanted the truth to be out there. But yeah, he’s going to struggle with that a lot and just figuring out what his new role is now especially with Isobel.

For instance, he didn’t wanna be at the church [for the funeral]. The only reason he showed up at that funeral was for his sister, so he knows deep down he has to step up and be this kind of hero savior thing, which he freaking hates. He doesn’t want that responsibility, but he knows that it’s his time to step up and play that role.

Hypable: Could college still be on the horizon for Michael Guerin?

MV: I think that’s one of those things that’s gone now, but I do think that he would take his talents and put them towards something bigger. If he’s ever able to fully escape living in hiding and the kind of prison that they’ve built around their lives. I think as time progresses, he’s going to continue exercising his talents and his mind and stepping up and not letting that all go to the wayside. But right now, he’s not thinking about that at all.

Hypable: Is he still eager to get back to his home planet, or did meeting his mom change that drive?

MV: I think it definitely changed the drive a little bit, but I also think with her being gone, and him knowing that she existed, it gives him hope. Maybe there are other family members or there’s another community of aliens still living somewhere and thriving. So yeah, I think it was definitely a deterrent. And that’s why you see him in these first couple of episodes. He seems like a guy who’s given up with the way he’s treating people, especially Maria. And also just how dirty he is. I mean, they made me so filthy this season…in like a CW hot way though.

I’m a dirty, dirty man who’s just a little hopeless right now. But yeah, as time goes on, he reels it in and tries to figure out why he’s here. Why is anyone here? Is he supposed to go home? I don’t know, I think that is all going to depend on how this season plays out, and also where his love interest is. I can see him getting his heart broken and just leaving the planet for sure, but I don’t think he really wants that if he could have that true love that he’s longing for.

Hypable: Are there any character dynamics that you got to explore more of in ‘Roswell, New Mexico’ season 2 that you were excited about?

MV: Oh yeah, it was fun doing more scenes with Michael Trevino (Kyle Valenti) this year. Obviously we’re working together to save Max. We only got a few scenes last year towards the prison shots at the end of the season where we were really together. Aside from that, it was just like me giving him a dirty look and pushing him off Alex in the flashback episode. It’s been really fun to work with Trevino just because he’s another guy who, like Nathan Parsons and Heather Hemmens, they’re pros. They’ve done this before. They’ve done eight seasons of a show.

Trevino was in my exact position where a show just comes about and changes your life. It’s really cool seeing how he navigate a set. Also, we just kind of mess with each other all the time. I mess around with everyone, but when it comes to Trevino, he’s such a confident man’s man. He wears really cool clothes, works out all the time, has a six pack no matter what he eats, so we just shit on each other. We shit on each other all the time. That dynamic really comes through when we’re working together as well.

[...]

Hypable: What are you doing to stay sane in this crazy time of self-isolation, and what do you think Michael Guerin would be doing?

MV: You know what, I bet I’m doing similar things to him. We have all these cinder blocks on a bonfire we built in our backyard and we’ve been taking those and making a home work out set up. So I’m doing prison workouts right now in my backyard, and I feel like that’s very Guerin-esque. Also, during this quarantine I’m eating healthy, I’m on a cooking routine with my roommates and that means that I’m feeling better about myself, so like Guerin, I’m just taking my shirt off all the time.

Hypable: Finally, do you have a favorite moment from Malex and MiLuca in ‘Roswell, New Mexico?’

MV: eah, I do. I’m going to focus specifically on season two. I was really, really proud of that last scene where me and Maria kissed at the end of episode two. That was a really cool scene to do. And actually, what was so interesting about that is in the episode I said “I’m sorry” to her, but it wasn’t written. Carina MacKenzie, our showrunner, came out and was like, “listen guys, this is working great. The chemistry, the passion, the love, the heartache, the hope, everything is there. But Guerin was just all over some girl in the bar in front of Maria. This is bullshit, he needs to apologize.” And so she was like, “Vlam, do you want to try working in an ‘I’m sorry,’ right around this moment?” And I did that, and I think it kind of changed the whole scene. That one little line. It made you remember that this guy is a good guy, he’s just caught up in something that he’s having a hard time wrestling with right now.

With Alex, there’s a moment at the end of the season that I actually asked the director for another take. I have so much pride as an actor, I’m just so hard on myself, I never do stuff like that. But in this one moment, I knew how much the scene meant and I asked for another take and something really special happened internally with how I was feeling. In that moment, locked in with Alex. I’m not saying if it was romantic or whatnot, but there’s a scene at the end of the season that was probably my favorite and it’ll be a lot of fun to watch too.

If you’re looking to see more of Michael Vlamis outside of his regularly scheduled Monday night appearances in Roswell, New Mexico, you can check out his recently released three-part series on michaelvlamis.com! Making it is a hilarious (and extremely well shot) series about a baby-faced Michael Vlamis and his friends trying to “make it” in Hollywood.

He decided to release the series in response to the increased demand for entertainment due to the COVID-19 quarantines. “It’s a digital series making fun of this industry, and everything that we go through.” The first episode tackles an audition process that I’m guessing is shockingly similar to his experience with Roswell, New Mexico, complete with cowboy hat and “Magic Mike abs,” but presented in a way that will make you laugh…and maybe also make you slightly nauseous. Check it out!

~ HypabIe

[protectteamfreewill]

Lost in the Moment

Pairing: Dean x reader

Warnings: none i guess? angst?

Word count: 4.5k

A/N: I wrote this one a while ago.. tonight I figured why the hell not read it again, edit and correct it and post it? So I hope y’all like it, if you do please leave some feedback <3

Also this is inspired by the song Lost in the moment by NF so you might wanna check that out

*I do not own any Supernatural characters and/or gifs I may use*

“Don’t try to shut me out of this. I’ve been here since day one. I’m just as much a part of this as you are,” you whisper, tears threatening to spill as you discretely study his face in the dim light of the increasing amount of shimmering stars. As if it would be the last time you could ever do so. Trying to take in the freckles dusting his nose and cheeks, the emerald green orbs that once carried so much happiness, so much hope, but now had become dull. Both the hope and happiness now brought back to an eventual spark that would light up his entire face but was usually suppressed by emotions such as grief, pain and sadness.

You had known the Winchesters ever since you were a little girl. When you were six years old a werewolf slaughtered both your parents. You would have shared the same fate, hadn’t John Winchester stepped in right when he did. You didn’t have any family to stay with, so that’s why John decided to take you in until he found someone to take care of you. Luckily he never did.

Soon after he introduced you to his two sons. Sammy being just as old as you, Dean a couple years older. At first you didn’t talk. You were timid and distrustful. But Sammy always offered you his toys and both the boys protected you like you were their sister, allowing you to slowly but surely warm up to them, developing a deep and valuable friendship. Even though you were younger, you became especially close with Dean. As you grew up the two of you happened to share the same taste in music, the same love for food, the same kind of humour.. kind of the same everything. When everyone was sleeping the two of you were often still having deep conversations about life or whatever was on both your minds. You were there after he tracked down his first monster by himself, when he got his first girlfriend. You were there every time John thought he had screwed up and he needed someone to comfort him. To tell him he was so much more than a screw-up. Likewise Dean was there the first time you killed a monster, the first time you had a date, the first time you were able to go to prom and got stood-up. He was there every time you had another nightmare about your parents or when the thoughts in your mind got too much to bear. Yes, you got along great with Sammy and you loved him like a brother, but your bond with Dean just went so much deeper. You trusted him with everything you had in you. And he trusted you.

Or at least after everything you thought he did.

You knew there was something going on. Hell you’d known there was something going on ever since the boys succeeded in killing the yellow-eyed demon. Dean had forced you to sit that one out. When both the boys returned they quickly revealed they succeeded, they killed it. Yet they were both rather vague about what exactly happened that night. But you didn’t miss the stiffness in Sammy’s posture or the concealed worry in Dean’s eyes. You had chosen not to say anything about it back then, but ever since that day you knew there was something both the brothers were keeping from you.

Right after dinner Dean had asked you to come with him for a ride in his Impala. Him asking you such thing was nothing special. The two of you often went for a ride together when you had a day off, just pointlessly driving around, singing along to your favourite songs, talking. Most of the times you ended up in your favourite diner, no matter how far away you initially were.

But as you take your usual spot besides Dean in the passenger seat today things feel different. Loaded. After he starts the engine and sets off neither him nor you says anything. The music softly plays but neither one of you sings along.

It’s like the calm before the storm.

This time you don’t end up in your favourite diner. Dean pulls over and stops the car as the sun is beginning to set. Without a word he gets out and runs around the car to open your door for you. You don’t say anything. You don’t get out or even make an attempt to do so. You look at Dean, your brows furrowed and a puzzled look written on your face.

“Would you get out, please?” he asks, begs almost.

“What are we doing here?”

“I thought we could watch the sunset together.”

“Watch the sunset? Dean-“ you exclaim, tilting your head as your eyebrows shoot up. “We never, never, watch the sunset. That’s something they do in chick flick movies, something you claim to strongly dislike,” you proclaim, making sure to emphasise the ‘never’.

“Please?”

For a short moment you scan his face. Noticing the signs of distress, of sadness, of fear, that you know damn well he’s trying to hide. But you know him better than that. You blindly know all his quirks and habits and when and why they surface. So you nod, shortly, taking his hand and allowing him to help you get out of his car. He shuts the door behind you and leads you to the front of the car, leaning against the hood and motioning for you to do the same.

Without another word the two of you view the sunset, watching the yellow ball of fire change to hues of orange, merging with the sky. You watch as the clouds turn to cotton candy, painting the sky a beautiful mix of blue and violet with the occasional pink and still a few specks of orange here and there. After a while the sun disappears behind the horizon, giving way to a thousand of stars. Only to be seen as the clouds slowly drift away.

“Are you ever going to tell me what happened the night you and Sammy killed the yellow-eyed demon?” you silently ask without taking your eyes off of the sky, not yet daring to face Dean. You weren’t sure why you were bringing it up, or why you were bringing it up at this specific moment. All you knew was that the matter, somehow and for some reason, was nagging at you. “I mean we never really talked about it.”

“There’s nothing to talk about. It happened,” he states blankly.

“Okay.. Then are you going to tell me what’s been bothering you?” you try again, getting more cautious with each word you pronounce. Sometimes, much like you, Dean doesn’t want to help. He doesn’t want to be saved, or more so he’s convinced himself he isn’t worth saving. If you didn’t approach the matter in the right manner or approached it too quickly you knew he would instantly put up his walls and there was no chance they’d be going down again anytime soon.

“It’s nothing. I’m fine,” is all he lets on.

You glance sideways, noting the way he’d crossed his arms in front of his chest, as a protective barrier to guard himself, his eyebrows knitted together and his shoulder feeling tense against yours. He is lying, if it wasn’t obvious already.

“Dean..”

“I can’t,” he snaps, turning his body to face you. “I can’t,” he then repeats, softer this time.

You fully turn around now as well, facing him. “Don’t shut me out of this,” you whisper, searching his face for more clues to guide you. To tell you what’s going on so you could help him. So you could save him. “I’ve been here for you during everything, don’t you dare shut me out of this,” you were well aware almost everyone else in your position right now would probably be mad. Mad that he didn’t trust you or hurt even. But you knew the way Dean’s mind worked. He was trying to protect you. Knowing him he had probably postponed this conversation for as long as possible so you’d have to worry about it as little as possible. But he was going to tell you, and he was going to tell you tonight. You just had to show him you cared enough so he actually could tell you.

He sighs in defiance, his shoulders lowering before he nervously licks his lips. “The.. The night we killed the yellow-eyed demon.. Sammy died,” your eyes widen in shock but you don’t dare to interfere, biting back your gasp and watching as Dean struggles to find the words. “The demon, he- he set up this game. This competition. Sam and some other kids like him, only one of them was supposed to make it out alive. When I saw Sammy, when we-, some kid stabbed him. He died.. he died in my arms,” he chokes out, now struggling to fight back tears.

“Oh my god, Dean,” you take a step forward with the intention of hugging him, but Dean takes a step back and shakes his head.

“No.”

“Dean..” you slowly say as you suddenly realize what exactly this might possibly mean. “What did you do?” he doesn’t reply, just shakes his head again. The tears coming dangerously close to spilling now.

“Did you sell your soul for him?” your eyes wide as you watch him, you can feel your heart beating in your chest, your breath stuck in your throat as your thoughts run a million miles an hour, quickly putting all the pieces together.

“I had to,” his voice cracks. “I had to look out for him. It’s my job.”

“How long have you got?”

“Tomorrow.”

“What did you just say?” you blurt out, unable to process the fact that this was his last night with you.

Often when you were reading you’d roll your eyes at the parts where the protagonist’s world was falling apart, the writer often describing it as a ‘shattering of their entire world’. You’d always seen that as bullshit, always figured the protagonist should keep their head up and figure out something to fix it. But right now that’s exactly how you felt. Your world shattered into a piercing mess of a million small pieces that you could never glue back together. You couldn’t keep your head up. There was no solution to this problem.

“I’m sorry, I-” he starts, but you’re quick to interrupt.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner. We could’ve still figured this out, find a way out of this,” you bargain, desperately trying to find a way out of the situation.

“Would you’ve understood?” he asks, looking you right in the eye as he does so.

And that comment stings more than you would like to let on. You’re hurt. Hurt he didn’t trust you. That after years of relying on each other he kept something from you. “Don’t talk to me like I don’t know what you’re feeling. I’ve been there with you back in the beginning. I know the way your mind works, I know how you put on that brave face while at the same time your thoughts are destroying you. I’ve been with you through everything so don’t you tell me I wouldn’t understand.” Dean looks away from you as soon as you start to voice your reply, focusing on something behind you, probably not wanting to hear anything you just said. “And quit looking away when I talk, I’m trying to be honest with you.”

A shuddering breath escapes his lungs. “This would’ve been so much easier if you’d just gotten mad. You should’ve yelled at me,” he murmurs with desperation in his voice.

“Dean,” you sigh, suddenly realising what he was trying to do. “What were you going to do? Tell me you’re fine, hadn’t I asked? And had I asked make sure I got mad? Make sure I’d hate you? Do you really think that was going to make any of this any easier?”

“It might’ve been easier if you just believed I was fine. Or in case you didn’t if you’d yelled at me, cursed me, gotten so mad you would hate me and didn’t even want to see me anymore. At least it would’ve been for you. And I still would’ve seen a sunset with you. Having taken in the setting sun with all its colours, but mostly having taken in the way the colours illuminated the features on your face perfectly. Having the look of complete awe on your face engraved in my memory,” he rambles, trying to explain his motives.

For a moment you’re silent, giving yourself a little bit of time to process what he just said. Though right now is not the moment to figure out what exactly he did or didn’t mean with those last two sentences. While normally your heart would’ve skipped a beat had he let on something like that. Right now you couldn’t allow yourself to let it get to your head. There were more important things to focus on right this instant.

The fact you were never going to see him again after tomorrow, for example.

“I’ve known there was something wrong ever since that night,” you slowly begin. “Telling me you’re fine would never have worked because I know you’re not. And just for the record, I am mad. I’m mad you didn’t tell me, that you didn’t think I’d understand. But no matter what, I could never- I could never hate you.”

For a while not another word is exchanged and neither one of you moves. You want to step closer, wrap your arms around him and pull him as close as your body allows you to. Make sure you memorise the feeling of his body in your arms, the sound of his heart beating against his chest echoing in your ear, the subtle smell of his cologne you can so clearly smell as you inhale. Memorise every single small detail there is about him to remember. But you’re too scared to do so. Scared he’ll step away again or even worse, scared he’ll fade right in front of your eyes.

Meanwhile it has become dark. The sun is now long gone and the few amount of stars you saw before have now been joined by an army of others. The temperature is rapidly decreasing as well, causing you to shiver since you hadn’t bothered to put on a jacket before you left. You wrap your arms around yourself in an attempt to keep yourself warm before you hesitantly speak up. “So what do we do now?”

“I don’t know, “ he shrugs. “This wasn’t exactly how I thought we’d end up so I didn’t really plan this far ahead.”

“Well what’s something you still want to do before.. before- before you know,” you nervously exclaim, unable to say whatever was awaiting him out loud.

“Can we go get a burger?”

You chuckle, unable to suppress your smile at his request. A request that was so incredibly Dean-like. So simple yet so meaningful for both of you. “Of course,” you nod.

With a single look both of you know exactly what your next destination is going to be and as on cue both of you start moving. You towards the passenger’s seat, him towards the driver’s seat. As Dean once again starts the engine, he immediately turns up the heating to warm both of you up, probably mostly you though. The radio softly starts playing one of your favourite songs and your quiet humming soon turns into a full-on sing along for you both. Before you know you’ve reached your destination, the lit neon sign of your favourite diner strongly contrasting against the dark sky.

As soon as the bell above the door marks your entrance you walk over to your favourite spot by the window. You sit down on one of the booths while Dean takes place on the other one in front of you. It doesn’t take long before a servant comes to take your order. She must be new, working one of her first shifts here, since you hadn’t seen her before. Both you and Dean knew everyone who worked there, and they knew you. Everyone always cheerfully chitchatted with you, it was one of the reasons you loved this place so much.

“What can I get you two?” the girl asks, fumbling nervously with her notepad.

“We’ll have two beers and two bacon cheeseburgers, please,” Dean orders for the both of you, smiling sympathetically at the girl.

She quickly writes down the order before returning his smile. “Coming right up.”

Just like the waitress nervously fumbled with her notepad, you fumble nervously with the paper placemat placed in front of you. A bunch of facts explaining why this diner is the best in the area and a few suggested dishes to try printed on there. You don’t even bother to read them anymore, you know them all by heart. The diner was founded in 1955, it almost went bankrupt until they introduced the magic burger that introduced a new public and saved the company. The secret of the burger was garlic, one of the waitresses once told you in passing. You still didn’t know whether she was joking or not. The place is hospitable and clean and child-friendly. A few suggested dishes are the magic burger, of course, the waffles and the grilled cheese sandwich. Dean and you had tried every dish they ever served, but both of you stuck with the bacon cheeseburger.

“What’s going to happen? Do we still have tomorrow or is it over once the clock strikes twelve?” you ask with a small voice, emotion seeping through. It’s not like hiding them will change anything anymore, so why bother?

“I don’t know,” he mumbles, his eyes casting down. “She didn’t say.”

Your head suddenly jerks up as the thought of Sammy enters your mind. Surely he must’ve known, but if these were his last couple of hours here on earth, wouldn’t they want to spend it together? “Why didn’t you stay with Sammy tonight? I can imagine the two of you would want to have a proper goodbye,” you ask him, voicing the concerns running through your head.

“We did, yesterday. He’s known about this for a year and he has done everything to find a way out of this. For his sake I hope now he’s finally accepted there’s no coming back from this.”

“So you’re really just gone after tonight, huh?” you whisper, feeling as if the situation and its consequences are finally catching up with you. As if you’d been numb to it before, but suddenly it found your Achilles heel and took its chances, fully charging at you. Tears are welling up, threatening to spill.

“Hush, baby, my dolly, I pray you don't cry,

And I'll give you some bread, and some milk by-and-by;

Or perhaps you like custard, or, maybe, a tart,

Then to either you're welcome, with all my heart,” Dean sings quietly, making sure you’re the only one who can hear him. And despite the events that are eagerly waiting to go down you smile at the recognition of the nursery song Dean always sang for you when going to bed or after you had a nightmare. He’d always quietly mumble it for you, calming you down and allowing you to fall into a peaceful slumber. Sometimes, much like right now, he’d sing it when you were sad. All those years ago your problems were so much smaller. You didn’t have to worry about hell or demon deals. People often told you to enjoy the simplicity you lived in, or at least the simplicity children your age were supposed to live in. They told you that time flies. At the time you didn’t know what it meant, now you had to admit they’d been right.

“I can’t believe you still remember that,” you bring out, still smiling.

“Of course,” he smiles back. “I could never forget it, I sang it for you the first time you had a nightmare and it stuck with me ever since. I also remember how you tried wearing lipstick when you were only ten because you wanted people to think you were just as old as me,” he grins, the memory still seared into his brain.

Your embarrassment paints your neck and cheeks a dark shade of red and you hide your head in your hands, as if trying to hide yourself from the memory. “Stop it!” you bring out while trying to supress the chuckle in your voice.

“Or,” he continues. “how you refused to wear anything that was coloured red, just because..”

“Alright I’ve got two beers and two bacon cheeseburgers for you guys,” the waitress announces, interrupting Dean’s little trip down memory lane. She places the two beer bottles and the plates she’d skilfully carried on the table. “Enjoy your meal,” she smiles before turning around and returning to her place behind the bar. You smile at her before she leaves, your face still showing some degree of redness.

Both you and Dean immediately dive into your food, devouring the burger and the fries that came along with it, washing it down with swigs of beer.

“That was good,” you exhale afterwards, Dean nodding in agreement.

“I’m gonna go pay,” he tells you as he slides out of the booth. As you take a look at the clock you realise why; it’s coming dangerously close to midnight., and neither one of you knows what that’s going to bring. A sudden fear evolves itself deep inside of you. You’d known Dean for almost as long as you remember. You barely had any memories he wasn’t in. And after tomorrow he wasn’t going to be there anymore. The memory of him would slowly fade until you couldn’t even remember the sound of his voice anymore.

As Dean returns you quickly push it down though, not wanting to ruin his possible last moments. He deserves better than that. “Let’s go,” he smiles, holding his hand out for you. But you can’t help but notice the fear that’s reflecting in his eyes.

“Yup,” you simply reply, taking his hand and leaving the diner together. One last time.

A cold breeze hits you in the face the moment you step outside, but you ignore it. Together you walk towards Dean’s car and for the second time tonight the both of you lean down against the hood. This time facing each other right away.

“Look,” he starts. “I don’t know how much time we have left, but I want to tell you the same thing I told Sammy; “stop looking for a way to get me out of this. There isn’t. I made my decision and I don’t want Sammy nor you spending the rest of your lives trying to get me out of it. Let me go.”

You smile, sadly. “That might’ve worked for Sammy, but I think we both know I’m never really going to give up on you,” you whisper, fighting to hold back the tears.

“I know, it was worth a try though,” he nods, a chuckle escaping from between his lips. But it sounds strangled, broken. “There’s just one more thing I’d like to do.”

“Name it,” you answer.

Before you know what is happening he grabs your face and his lips crash against yours. The warmth of his lips seem to warm you to the bone and the world falls away as you completely lose yourself in the moment. He kisses you slow and soft, comforting you in ways that words never could,  while caressing your cheek with his thumbs your breaths mingle. You run your fingers through his hair and down his spine, pulling him closer, wanting to remove all space there’s left between the two of you.

And just as sudden as he pressed his lips against yours, he pulls away again. “Do you hear that?” he asks, still holding your face in his hands.

You shake your head. “No, Dean, hear what?” But he doesn’t reply. “Dean?”

His breath hitches in his throat. As he looks at you there’s nothing but pure terror written all over his face. “Close your eyes,” is all he says.

Desperately you try to understand, try to figure out what he is trying to say, but you have no idea what is going on. “What, why?”

“Just close your eyes,” he begs. Whispering one last word as you refuse to listen. “Hellhounds,” he brings out right before he’s ripped away from you.

As you squeeze your eyes shut, feel his hands being ripped away from your body, you hear his body being dragged away. You hear his painful screams piercing through the air right before it goes dead silent.

 Hesitantly you open your eyes, being met with nothing but the darkness of the night, and you can feel the warmth leave your body. There’s nothing but the tingling in your lips and the searing pain in your soul that reminds you of the man that had stood in front of you just a second ago. And you don’t dare moving. Terrified it’ll erase the last traces he left on your body, terrified it’ll leave you with an even bigger hole than when you lost your parents.

After a while, whether it be ten minutes or an hour, you gather enough strength to move without crashing down on the pavement right away. That’s also when you notice the Impala still standing there, the lacquered black car looks duller than before, as if it knows it has just lost its beloved owner and wants to show its grief. As if on autopilot you walk towards the passenger seat, only realising that’s not your place anymore when you find yourself tugging at the door handle. The keys Dean gave you somewhere during your meal at the diner suddenly burn in your back pocket and hesitantly you walk towards the driver’s seat, unlocking the car.

Dean had only allowed you to take place on the driver’s seat one time before. You must’ve been seventeen and he was supposed to teach you how to drive. You almost crashed against a bunch of garbage cans and Dean never allowed you up there anymore. Too scared you’d wreck his beautiful car. Even after Bobby taught you how to drive a few years later, you had forever lost your right. Tonight that had changed though.

You weren’t sure you were going to find Sammy if you went back to the motel. Maybe he’d left. Unable to stand Dean’s unmade bed, his empty beer bottles or his half-packed bag any longer, or maybe just honouring his last wish and moving on with his life.

As you slide down on the driver’s seat, as the coldness of the leather seeps through the material of your pants and as you place your hands on the cold steering wheel, on the place his hands used to lie, you finally allow your first tears to fall.

[bookupastorm]

Novel Prep Tag!

Thanks to the outstanding, Julia (@ahowlinwolf), for tagging me! I’ve put it under a read more because I tend to ramble. A Lot. 

Tagging (ignore if you want to):  @aelenko @sikkinn @a-writers-lifestyle @lesbianwriteblr

Rules: answer the questions and then tag as many writers as there are questions answered (or as many as you can) to spread the positivity! Even if these questions are not explicitly brought up in the novel, they are still good to keep in mind when writing.

FIRST LOOK

1. Describe your novel in 1-2 sentences (elevator pitch).

A prince finds himself thrust in the middle of a war he knows nothing about and must choose between his family or his humanity.

2. How long do you plan for your novel to be? (Is it a novella, single book, book series, etc.)

At the moment, I can only see the book as a standalone. But, that could all change in the future. I’m a very “go with the flow” kind of person so I haven’t even figured out the ending for the novel yet or have a fully completed outline. I could see it going into a series, but I’d have to adjust the timeline for this book.

3. What is your novel’s aesthetic?

Oh gods, the fated question. I’m not the best at describing aesthetics, but I guess I would say it has a magical castle vibe. And it’s cozy, but also like feeling a sense of loss for something you never had. I’m not sure if that describes it well, but that’s what you get. 

4. What other stories inspire your novel?

I’m really bad at understanding what inspires me, but I think I would say that Crier’s War has inspired a bit of the novel? Honestly, I’m more inspired by music than other authors. I don’t really have much time to read.

5. Share 3+ images that give a feel for your novel.

Subtly plugs my Pinterest.

MAIN CHARACTER

6. Who is your protagonist?

Eleric Tilele, the young (and only) prince of Valengard.

7. Who is their closest ally?

Despite their rocky friendship in the beginning of the novel, Maiela is his biggest ally. They become somewhat of a Geralt and Jaskier style duo. 

8. Who is their enemy? 

This is somewhat a spoiler, but also not. His father is his enemy. I won’t go into the details of why, or how this develops, but...it’s good.

9. What do they want more than anything?

To find his place in the world. 

10. Why can’t they have it?

The crown weighs him down. Because of it, he has been sheltered his whole life and has never seen much beyond the walls of Valengard. 

11. What do they wrongly believe about themselves?

That he isn’t good enough. Throughout his whole life, his father has been clear to drill into him that he is not good enough and as such that believe has infected him like a poison. It’s why he sacrificed his happiness for the crown, because he believed it would make his father proud. 

12. Draw your protagonist! (Or share a description)

Eleric has a mess of curly dark brown hair that falls just above his eyebrows and his eyes are the color of amber, a welcome contrast when compared to his umber brown skin. He’s 5′6″ and rather toned. He typically wears various shades of blues and rather formal clothing with silver and black acting as accents.

PLOT POINTS

13. What is the internal conflict?

The answer to this is kind of a spoiler, but family plays a big part into the conflict. And of course, self worth is a big part. There are a few moments where Eleric seriously struggles with feeling like he deserves whatever bad thing is happening.

14. What is the external conflict?

Power. Greed. Corruption. Also love and healing. There’s a lot that will be covered in the book, either in small moments, or in the grand scheme. 

15. What is the worst thing that could happen to your protagonist?

Well...the worst thing that could happen to him does happen and...it changes everything. 

16. What secret will be revealed that changes the course of the story?

You know that worst thing that could happen? Yeah, it’s big. Life altering. I won’t give it away, but...blood magic is involved somehow.

  17. Do you know how it ends?

Nope! I’ve got a vague idea about some things. But mostly I just don’t care enough to worry about that yet. I’m here for a long time, but also a fun time. 

BITS AND BOBS

18. What is the theme?

Friendship, love, family? Self worth? I’m not really sure. I think like any art, it’s subjective. If someone reads it and finds the theme to be one thing, who am I to say it isn’t? Unless they think the theme is something bigoted then...yeah no thank you.

19. What is a recurring symbol?

I would say choice is a big part of the story. There is a scene (after the big thing is revealed) and it involves a huge choice that Eleric can’t turn back from. 

20. Where is the story set? (Share a description!)

The story is set on the continent of Vlerus. Home to many communities, Valengard reigns over most of the land. They’re considered the capital of Vlerus. Another notable place is Vrigon; a kingdom known for its large market filled with merchants from all over. If you ever were in need of coin fast, Vrigon was the place to go. Life, for the most part, is peaceful. Although there have been rumors of a rebellion looming on the horizon. 

21. Do you have any images or scenes in your mind already?

Oh yes! I have one where Eleric and Laith have a heart to heart and there’s one in particular where Eleric and Maiela connect for the first time that I’m really excited to write.

22. What excited you about this story?  

The characters and the way they interact with one another. Specifically the relationship between Eleric and Laith. It’s complex and messy, like most first loves, but its so beautiful the way they interact with one another despite their past. Also, Maiela and Eleric’s friendship. I haven’t actually written any scenes with the two, because I haven’t gotten to Maiela’s introduction yet, but the banter is going to be comical. Laith will likely get the sharp end of said banter because Maiela and Laith kind of don’t like one another. 

23. Tell us about your usual writing method!

I’ll be honest, I just go at it. I’m a very unmotivated person so if I don’t do it then I never will. 

[dontcallmecarrie]

I am being (fandom/shipping) nosy, & you're in full rights to shut me down.... Question(s): Do you have any OTP's/ preferred pairings, for any and/all fandoms you're in? On the other hand, are you more the type to be focused on a topic and stuff romance in a basement? (I'd be a hypocrite to judge.) Or are you a mix of both depending on whatever? Not intending to start anything. Best wishes to you! Hope you are well!

For your first question: yes and no.

I don’t have OTPs in the sense of ‘I only ship these two characters together, and don’t ship them with anyone else’. The way I ship is ‘I think these two have good chemistry in this AU and have a lot of fun exploring that dynamic’, which is how I have several AUs with Steve/Tony [The Inception-y Fic I Refuse To Write Right Now, Whisper of Every Waking Hour, plus a few shatterpoints], Stephen/Tony [By Myself But Not Alone’s sure leaning that way, at least], and the list goes on. 

but really at the end of the day, it can be summed up as Tony/Happiness because the MCU really put him through the wringer and I am forever bitter about it

…well, with one exception: I only ship Howard Stark with Maria Carbonell, but that’s mostly because I have

way

too much fun messing around with a blank slate of a character. 

Outside of the MCU, I’ve got a few ships I have a preference for— but you’ll see a few trends.

Apart from Blurred Lines, I haven’t really delved into writing for Doctor Who. Partly because I am nowhere near caught up, and partly because my favorite character is Martha Jones and that…kinda speaks for itself, really. I’m not a fan of Martha Jones/Mickey Smith, though, because seeing Martha once again get left with Rose’s ex kinda left a bad taste in my mouth. [An entire universe’s array of characters to choose from, engaged with someone who legit died trying to protect her in another timeline, and she gets paired off with Rose’s ex-boyfriend? Really? Where the hell did that even come from?!] 

Suffice it is to say, I ship Martha Jones/Happiness as well. 

It’s why I’ve been struggling to keep spinoff AUs from forming for Blurred Lines, because Martha/Sherlock and Martha/Tom Milligan are both very appealing options [Tom’d accidentally fill in part of Mary Morstan’s role even as I ignore the rest of season three onwards. It’d be great]. Not to mention the idea of a queerplatonic OT3 where Sherlock and Moriarty [a saner one than in canon, at least] give Martha grey hair and everyone else migraines. Or, in an even crackier AU, Martha Jones/Sebastian Moran, feat. a lot of exasperated looks and explosions with surprisingly little collateral damage [no one wants to piss off or disappoint Martha. No one] and Sherlock and Moriarty’s horror at the unholy alliance that is Martha’s and Anthea’s friendship. 

…anyway. Onto the next fandom!

I’ve only written for the sequel trilogy of Star Wars, so I’ll lead with that. Finn/Poe Dameron is not a hard OTP for me, but getting there because their dynamic was something I loved from the first time I saw it in the cinema. I will say that I have a hard NOTP for this fandom, though: while I am a huge fan of ship and let ship [fandom old, here. If I don’t like it, time to hit the back button and find something I enjoy reading rather than leave hate in some poor author’s inbox], I think the apocalypse will roll around before I write Rey and Kylo Ren romantically.

In the Darth Calamity AU, Ben’s going to be a big brother/mentor figure for her as well as Finn. They’re going to be close, don’t get me wrong— but…um. I highly doubt it’ll ever come up, but in my AU at least, Ben’s going to kinda take after his family, as far as romance goes. His type is, much like Han Solo’s and Anakin’s “she takes no shit, hates fascism, and is damn good with a blaster”. Specifically, Ben’s first meeting with Rose Tico involves a broken nose during a bar fight swarming with First Order supporters, and it’s going to be love at first right hook. 

Beyond that…I cannot count how many fandoms I’ve lurked in. Or lurked and left an anonymous comment for [I was rather shy when I was younger]. To sum up: if it’s well-written, odds are I’ll enjoy it. If I were to list ships, I’d have a pool noodle armada. 

.

As for the latter part of your ask…it depends. Mostly on how well-written it is, how natural said relationship feels, but there’s other stuff at play too. Some writers can pull off romance and a chaotic plot, and more power to them for being able to manage it. 

Me being a bit of a perfectionist [aka why the next chapter of TWiFFON is still in the air, despite my graduation date now being a month away], I have very high standards for myself when it comes to writing. Add to that my being ace with a 99% likelihood of being aro, and I’m hyper paranoid about writing non-platonic relationships come across. [I use romcoms to get an idea, and play by ear. Hopefully it doesn’t feel forced or clunky. *fingers crossed*]

For me, I hate how repetitive this sounds, but it really, really depends. TWiFFON has no pairings beyond some ‘squint and huh, was I low-key shipping Happy and Pepper when I wrote this section or not?’ moments. Then again, TWiFFON is a passive-aggressive spitefic and the frame of mind I’m in when I write for it isn’t exactly conductive to shipping.

Sometimes, I’ll be writing and the ship just kinda…appears. 

Exhibit A: when I started hammering out By Myself But Not Alone, I was actually leaning towards Steve/Tony before I continued writing for it and just went ‘huh I guess this AU’s Stephen/Tony now’. 

[actuallyadhd]

I have ADD, I was diagnosed at 16 in high school. (I’m nearly 20 now and in college) I struggled with school stuff and basic stuff due to ADD related struggles for as long as I can remember. I also have a friend who has ADHD and was diagnosed when they were younger. They view their ADHD as a gift and important part of their personality. I view it as a curse and something to struggle with. This is something that we’ve talked about and had several heated discussions (read: near arguments) but 1/2

2/2 but they keep insisting that I should view my ADHD, which is something that has nearly ruined my prospects at a good education and future as a gift and a major part of my identity/personality. How should I best convey to my friend that my ADHD is not something that I would want any part of if I had a choice in the matter? Should I seriously try and change how I view my ADHD? It’s not like it’s done me any favors but I’m stuck with it for life.

Sent January 25, 2019

This is a BIG one, and there isn’t any simple answer. So, bear with me while I natter on a bit about how I look at stuff. Hopefully it will help you figure out what you want to do.

First, relationships are important. Friendships are SO vital to our lives. The support we gain from good friends is priceless.

That said, it is also important that you surround yourself with friends who are truly supportive of you and your life choices. That doesn’t mean they have to agree with you on everything, but they do need to recognize when it’s time to just back off because they’ve let you know what they think and your life is yours, not theirs.

So always, when you find yourself in a situation where someone is causing you a lot of aggravation or difficulty in some way, try and assess whether they’re still a positive influence in your life. If they aren’t, you may need to start lessening your contact with them.

Try not to make this kind of decision when you’re really upset, though; it’s normal for people to disagree and argue about things, even when they love each other very much! I disagree with my husband about things fairly regularly, and I have been known to argue with my brothers rather loudly at times. None of that means that I hate them or that I needed to cut them out of my life. On the other hand, the former friend whom I have ceased communication with showed a long-term pattern of behaviour that was not helping her or me have a good life. We never actually argued about anything, but I got tired of always being blamed for whatever went wrong because of her inaction or failure to take my advice, so I put an end to it.

Back to you and your friend.

You are allowed to tell your friend that you’d rather not discuss the whole gift/not-a-gift thing with them. Make it a boundary. Be clear that this is a non-negotiable, and that if they bring it up with you again you will have to end the conversation. Tell them that you already know how they feel, and they already know how you feel, and that when and if you want to talk about it with them some more, you will bring it up. Period. The hard part is following through, but do your best. A real friend will respect your boundaries.

On to how you view your ADHD.

It sounds like your friend may have been lucky enough to have had proper support and treatment early in life. And hey, your friend may honestly see their ADHD as a real and true positive influence in their life. That’s great! For them.

See, the whole thing about ADHD is that it causes us distress in at least two areas of life (e.g., social, work, home, school). If it’s not causing you problems, I’m not sure why you feel you need to claim it, but whatever; not my circus, not my monkeys.

Until, that is, those monkeys start to cause me more problems.

Because it’s already difficult for ADHDers to be recognized as having a legitimate disability. We’re already written off as being lazy, undependable, and so on. Professionals who should know better tell us we’re wrong and laugh in our faces if anything about our profile doesn’t fit whatever stereotype they’ve got in their head. Our medications are demonized by people who just.don’t.get it., and we’re constantly told that we just need to try harder.

Well, I’ve got news for you, general population: sometimes trying is all I’ve got, and sometimes trying looks like me sitting in one place with my phone in my hand until I can finally break out of whatever I’m doing so I can rush to the bathroom before I wet my pants, at which point I can finally actually start doing whatever I had planned for the day.

Here at Actually ADHD, we have theme days.

Support Sunday (SuSu) is for people to write in to ask the community for help with something they’re struggling with.

Mission Monday (MM) is for people to write in with whatever their goals are for the week, to help with accountability.

Terrific Tuesday (TT) is for people to write in with their recent accomplishments, no matter how “small.”

And Feel Good Friday (FGF) is for people to write in with something good about their ADHD, assuming they can think of something that day.

FGF is not about trying to get us to think of ADHD as only being a positive, because it’s not. But it’s not always horrible, either. For example, I hyperfocus on reading. This is bad if it keeps me from doing things like eating or cleaning up the house, but it’s good because I love to read and finishing a book in a day reminds me of what it was like when I was a kid and went everywhere with a book in my hand. Very few things are all bad.

In case it’s not obvious, my take on ADHD is that it’s neutral. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s bad, mostly it evens out. But that’s me. I’m 42, I was diagnosed at 28, and as I’ve worked on my systems and coping mechanisms and treatments I’ve come to accept it as a part of what makes me who I am. I don’t consider my approach to ADHD (or to life) the best one for everybody; it’s what’s best for me.

So, should you try and change your view of ADHD?

That depends.

Does your negative view of your ADHD bleed into your self-concept? Because if so, you may want to make some changes there.

Does your negative view of your ADHD spur you on to work harder and just get stuff done? If so, it’s working for you and that’s cool.

The other day in my morning devotional book (it’s for moms, bear with me I promise this is pertinent to non-parents as well) the woman who wrote the book told a story about how when her children were small she didn’t really worry about presentation of the food she served them; she cared more that there was enough of it to go around (three growing boys plus her husband) than that it looked good or anything. And she always thought of herself as being a bad cook, even though everyone ate what she cooked no problem.

And then one day, she said that thought out loud in front of her adult kids, and one of them said, “No Mom, you weren’t a bad cook, you were just a disinterested cook.”

The things we tell ourselves have a lot of impact on our lives.

My house is a huge mess (like, it would take Marie Kondo a year to deal with it all) and I have always struggled with housework. I used to say that I was bad at housekeeping.

But you know what?

That’s not true.

I am good at all of the individual tasks required to keep a clean and tidy home. I am an organized person by nature. I enjoy cleaning, once I get going, largely because it’s physical activity during which I can think about whatever I want.

I’m not bad at housekeeping.

I’m inconsistent at housekeeping.

And yeah, that inconsistency is thanks to my ADHD. But you know what else? Knowing that the problem isn’t this amorphous “bad” but a specific “inconsistent” gives me power. It gives me hope. If I’m just “bad” at housekeeping, I don’t know what to work on, so why try? It’s hopeless. But I can work on being more consistent about doing those tasks that ought to be done regularly. I can add things into established routines that will help me be more consistent. 

I guess what I’m saying is, if viewing ADHD as a curse and something to struggle against is working for you, keep that view. If you assess and find it isn’t working for you anymore (and it may well stop working for you eventually), try changing your perspective somehow, like I have with housekeeping.

I hope this long, rambling response was helpful for you.

-J

[lightsandlostbells]

Skam season 3, episode 3 reaction

Thank you to everyone who has been reading and commenting so far! I love hearing people’s thoughts on S3 and reading anecdotes about other viewing experiences. This episode has some moments with a lot of room for varying interpretations; I would love to hear other POVs if you got a different reading out of a scene. It’s also one of the episodes where we have the original scripts, so we can compare the first draft with the finished product. 

Episode 3 feels like an impending train wreck up until the very end, where Robyn intervenes to keep things on track. 

SEASON 3, EPISODE 3 - “Now you’re bonding too much”

Clip 1 - Damage control, part 1

Isak starts off literally on the sidelines as he deals with the fallout of his ill-conceived lies as Emma writes a long text saying it’s fine if he’s not interested but he doesn’t have to give her false hope. Well, he is giving her some false hope, but we’ve also see him express reluctance over hanging out with her and partying with her. I can’t help but feel a little bit bad for him because even if he did make this mess himself, he also didn’t want to do the party with Emma in the first place. He’s created his own problems but they’re a result of his struggles with internalized homophobia and his need to maintain a typical heterosexual dudebro exterior. He really needs to learn to stop waffling and giving in to what people expect or want from him and start speaking up for himself, but of course he can’t quite do that until he starts being honest with himself and others.

Emma demonstrates her maturity by writing a reasonable-ish text message at 21:35, then complaining that he doesn’t answer at 22:01, then apologizing and asking him to reply at 22:18, then calling him an asshole at 22:30. This is one of my greatest personal pet peeves so I’m not exactly feeling sympathy for her at not getting a text reply within an hour. Some of us take naps or go to the movies or do stuff that requires us to be away from our phones for an hour. 

I’ve been wondering why Julie chose to write Emma the way she did, because if you think about it, Isak could have had a female “love interest” who was really cool and smart and seemingly perfect for him, if not for the fact that he’s gay and can’t make himself be interested in her. If I had to guess, I’d guess Emma is characterized like this because someone more mature or level-headed might be able to pick up on the massive hints that he isn’t into her, or in any case might not be so doggedly persistent in getting Isak’s attention. Instead, she’s beautiful and sweet enough, if ignorant in certain aspects, but she’s not someone Isak can just shake off by being distant. He has to deal with the consequences of flirting with her when he doesn’t mean it, because she won’t just go away if he ignores her. 

Additionally, I guess having a “love interest” like her only make it more obvious how right Even is for Isak, not just in the sense of Even being a boy but being someone with whom he forms a natural connection. Isak with Emma acts fake, Isak with Even acts real.

I’m not trying to hate on Emma, by the way; I know there’s an ugly side of fandom that can OTT bash her or Sonja not for their actual flaws but for existing. With Emma it’s complicated because she does do some shitty stuff later on that is legitimately worthy of criticism. Ultimately I think she doesn’t come off as well as someone like Sonja, or even Ingrid or Iben in S1, who are similarly minor characters causing problems for our POV character, but at this point in the story I still had plenty of sympathy for her. Isak is being unfair to her.

Mahdi calls Isak a traitor as he sits down and goes in on him for cancelling the party. It’s not really a surprise that Isak ended up snapping at him later in the season - obviously I love the boy squad and things worked out well and they became an adorable friendship crew, but these two clashed a lot in the first part of S3. To be fair to Mahdi, Isak has in the space of two episodes lost the group’s weed and randomly cancelled a pre-party by lying to everyone involved. Not good bro behavior. 

More to add to my theory that they’re relatively new friends and Mahdi is in this group via Jonas: he has no idea about Isak’s mom situation. I can’t remember if Magnus knows - I don’t remember him talking about it although “Magnus” has known Isak for a while if you count David’s early appearances. But even if you assume Isak is holding back on the specific details, Mahdi doesn’t seem to know that there’s anything unusual about what’s going on with his mom.

Isak is lying here again by mentioning his mom but it’s at least a convincing lie for once. He knows that Jonas will realize the seriousness of what he’s implying, and he also probably won’t press him too hard about the situation. It’s a little shitty that he uses the very serious issue of his mom’s illness - something that Jonas has helped Isak deal with firsthand - as a cover story for the real reason he bailed on Friday. But Isak’s mom is also a constant source of stress and worry for him so there is some truth in it.

Nice acting from Marlon when Jonas’ face changes as soon as Isak mentions his mom. Jonas being so protective and concerned for Isak = 💛💛💛

Mahdi of course doesn’t get it, because moms being stressed is just a thing moms do, they get upset because the kids made a mess or the car broke down or the dog dug a hole in the couch. “Stress” implies something far more mundane than the real situation with Isak’s mom.

Jonas asks simply how Isak’s mother is doing, nothing more, and Mahdi then manages to pick up from Isak’s expression and a serious shared look with Jonas that more is happening with Isak than he realizes. It’s noted in the script that he realizes here. So he drops the argument and tells Isak to just arrange a new pre-party. Case closed, as Jonas and Mahdi say!

Of course, you can tell from Isak’s expression that the case is not closed. First of all, he’s still lying to his friends. Second, how is he going to get a new pre-drink arranged with those girls when Emma is pissed off at him? Third, arranging a new pre-drink will not solve Isak’s rather large problem of not wanting to drink with Emma because he is not interested in her in the slightest.

There’s an IG post from Isak of the boys playing video games the next day, so things were chill again pretty quick.

Clip 2 - The Gay Test

This clip takes place on Mandag, 3:03, for anyone who wants to keep track of the repeating numbers.

Man, this fucking scene. This is bleak.

We start with Isak staring at the ceiling, just staring. You can imagine the million things that are on his mind. He reaches over for his phone and we get one of those biblical texts from his mom. Not as apocalyptic as usual, but still one more thing to cause him “stress” to borrow a euphemism. All these texts are both reminders that not only his mom is struggling with mental illness, she might not accept him if she knew certain facts about him. Facts which are heavily on his mind as of late.

Also, I guess Isak just sleeps in his underwear since we see it happen a few times, but the fact that he’s not dressed works for this being a very stripped down sort of scene, where Isak gets down to the heart of the matter on his laptop. Confronting ideas about his own sexuality directly even if he’s just typing them into a search engine. 

This whole clip is the definition of show, don’t tell, and Tarjei does such excellent acting here, especially considering that he’s using a pretty limited range of facial expressions and body language. Which makes sense, to be clear - he’s alone in his room at 3:03, he doesn’t need to be projecting his feelings to other characters or overreacting. But despite the fact that he’s not asked to go through a huge range here, man does this kid get across everything you need to know about what’s running through Isak’s mind. In fact the stillness works in his favor here, emphasizing his dead-inside, hopeless stare.

His acting carries this scene when there’s no voice-over or exposition to walk us through what’s happening. For instance, when Isak looks at Emma’s picture on Facebook, there’s no explanation, but we understand. He’s trying to see if he feels anything toward it, any attraction at all. He’s probably trying to make himself feel some attraction. 

We don’t actually see the search that led to him finding the gay test, but you can probably assume it was something like how to know if you’re gay or am I gay or something like that. But it might have been interesting to see exactly how he phrased it, to note the level of detachment or certainty in the phrasing.

This fucking test. A real test, by the way! The scripts have the links for the websites Isak visits in this clip, so Julie did her research. This scene was written around the existence of this crap. Did she get advised by RL gay people about the “empty closets” website while talking to members of the LGBT community for this season? Did she just Google “am I gay” and “how to get turned on by girls if you are gay” in order to find some appropriate links?

I was reluctant to give that website hits, but I did want to see exactly what the rest of the questions were, so I went through the test. 

The quiz is 20 questions and they’re all about personal grooming and style habits, gay-friendly pop culture, and avoidance of emotions. Nowhere in this quiz to determine whether someone is gay does it ask questions like “Are you attracted to men?” “Do you want to have sex with men?” “Do you fall in love with men?” Anything that has to with the actual definition of being a gay man. It is all about the stereotypes of having a “gay” personality.

Not only is this quiz is very stupid (obviously), but it also covers a very narrow perspective of what it means to be gay. A lot of the questions assume a middle- or upper-middle-class lifestyle and a selective pool of interests. It’s also an American-centric quiz and one that seems rather dated. There’s one question about who won season 1 of Project Runway - a season that aired in 2004, when Isak was five years old. How can this possibly be an accurate judge of Isak’s sexuality? But for a vulnerable teenager, it doesn’t matter that the test is ludicrous. It’s just reinforcing his worst fears of what a gay man has to be, muddling his perception of who he is. Because on the one hand, if this is what a gay man is, then Isak can’t be gay. He’s not one of those gay guys. But on the other hand, he still feels like he has to distance himself from these ideas of what gay is so he’s not seen that way. It’s all very messy. 

This part is specifically mentioned in the script: Isak hovers over the time travel question, seeming like he’s going to choose Moulin Rouge but picking Woodstock, the less “gay’ seeming option. Trying not to get too high of a score on the quiz. It’s very depressing that he needs to monitor himself like this - I mean, this is a dumbass online quiz and he’s taking it alone at night! Who cares? Sometimes I take Buzzfeed quizzes like “Design a taco and we’ll tell you what tropical fish you are” but does it tell me anything about myself if it says I’m a suckermouth catfish? No. Really he just doesn’t want this insignificant test to confirm something he already fears about himself.

Also we never see him watch any Baz Luhrmann films other than Romeo + Juliet, but I wonder if he watched Moulin Rouge and that sparked his interest in almost picking that option. Baz Luhrmann’s filmography isn’t that large; he’s directed the Red Curtain Trilogy (Strictly Ballroom, R+J, and Moulin Rouge), Australia, and The Great Gatsby, plus the pilot of The Get Down. You could watch all of his movies in a weekend. I know Isak is pretty upset and about to get focused on being “straight” but he had time to research and listen to Nas’ discography sometime this week, so it’s not unreasonable he also checked out other Baz films.

(Only three of those five films are tragedies, by the way! If Isak had stumbled upon Strictly Ballroom, perhaps this season would have turned out differently.)

If he watched Moulin Rouge, by that way, that might add some extra hesitation over the question. A reminder of Even, a reminder of these feelings that are causing him so much pain.

He’s 20% gay, which by this test’s standards is not very gay,  but probably too gay for his liking. 

how to get turned on by girls if you are gay -  I think it’s the “if you are gay” bit that makes this particularly depressing, because Isak knows what he is. He might be taking The Gay Test but really he knows he is gay. This isn’t really about him struggling with feelings for a guy for the first time and figuring out what that means about himself. This season isn’t about Isak realizing that he is gay. He’s known for a while; he’s likely known since he had a crush on Jonas, at least. It’s just that this time with Even, these feelings are coming to the forefront; this time, he almost found himself in a situation where a guy liked him back, and that leaves him with a different range of options than crushing on a straight dude where it’s “safe” in the sense that it’ll never happen. If a guy likes him back, it’s more dangerous, because something can happen. This Google search is about Isak trying to find out how to force a heterosexual side from himself despite knowing it’s fake.

In the script he does a search for “how to get turned on by girls if you are 22% gay” which I’m guessing they changed either to get the right search results on screen or because that phrasing is kind of humorous despite the topic, and it’s at odds with the serious tone of Isak’s struggle here.

Actually, I take it back. You know what is the most depressing about this part? That these are all real forums and posts from closeted gay people. Not fake websites made up for the show, as you would see in most television series. Real comments from real gay guys, talking about how to force themselves to get aroused by women. 

“I get drunk and try to focus on what is attractive about the girl. Works for me.” A real person wrote that.

I wasn’t watching this in real time yet, and I actually saw the pre-drink clip before I saw this one so I wasn’t worried about the pre-drink ending in Isak sleeping with a girl, but I can imagine a sense of foreboding from this clip? Particularly with the focus on the advice about sleeping with a girl. I can definitely imagine that it’d seem like Isak was about to make himself have sex with Emma (or another girl). I am so, so glad that Julie didn’t put Isak through that. It’s depressing enough to see him just think about it.

Clip 3 - Damage control, part 2

Ahhh, it’s the first appearance of Isak’s locker! Things are spilling out of it, he has a hard time cramming his belongings inside and keeping it shut.

So to translate the metaphor of Isak’s locker of self-acceptance: Isak knows he is gay, he has spent the past week indulging in his attraction to Even, and now he’s going to force all those feelings back inside no matter what it takes.

Also, in the script, the locker is able to be closed once Isak says he won’t host the party, so he’s closing it by turning down this opportunity to potentially hang with Even - the whole reason he got roped into hosting in the first place by asking if there would be more kosegruppa meetings.

Lmao, Isak seems incredibly stressed out by his locker, like Tarjei is breathing heavily and he has these wild eyes at the end when he turns back to Vilde. Keeping his locker shut sure must take a toll on him.

Isak blames other people for not being able to host the party instead of owning up to the real reason, which of course he would never admit out loud. He wanted to know if there would be more kosegruppa meetings, in case Even would come, but now Even is the last thing he wants to think about. With this party, Even might not only show up, but could bring his beautiful girlfriend along.

Oh, Isak. Before you told this lie, you should have counted on Eskild having contacts with Noora’s social circle. Eskild, not want to host a party? Please.

He then pins it on Linn which is at least a more believable lie. Linn is the one who asks her roommates to keep it down and wants to stay home and chill. But Vilde makes the point that Linn is depressed and doesn’t want to do anything, and it’s their job to make sure she does stuff. Which is actually very astute of Vilde. Speaking as someone who has dealt with depression, people can definitely go overboard in trying to help. Like everything, there’s a balance: you should respect the wishes of someone with depression and not think you know better than they do about how to handle their mental illness. But it’s also good to have people who want to check in on you and pull you out of your shell. Not to mention, you know, this is additional foreshadowing for the importance of mental health issues this season. 

Also let’s note that Vilde knows this probably because of her mom’s own issues, that she realizes she needs to give her mom a push sometimes. Sure, she really wants Isak to host that party. But she’s also speaking from experience. (The execution of Magnus/Vilde is annoying but in the bare bones of them, they’re both naive/silly characters who are harder to take seriously on a surface level but have a lot of hidden wisdom and maturity about certain issues.)

But Vilde also thought Even was a psychopath so she’s not perfect about mental illness, either. 

There’s a gifset of Vilde talking during this scene juxtaposed with Isak staring at her blankly and it’s one of my favorite gifsets ever. 

I will never stop laughing about how Isak just gives in to whatever Vilde asks of him.

Vilde texts him afterwards about the party and he gives one-word answers that are about as enthusiastic as his texts to Emma.

It’s freaky how much Isak is able to switch on his cool straight guy persona. Just a minute ago he was all frazzled by a battle with his locker and then losing a battle about hosting the party to Vilde, and now he’s going to be all Smooth Charming Totally Digs Girls Isak.

Lol, I’ll say this, it’s a pretty good transformation. Once he gets going I don’t see any cracks in the facade even knowing that he’s struggling internally. 

Even in his apology where he calls himself an asshole, he manages to neg her, kinda. Or whatever you’d call it with that little twist at the end implying he’s got another “cute girl” and Emma. It’s a joke but damn, fake Isak is such a little shit.

I didn’t really notice before but Isak is a little similar to Even here, getting Emma to loosen up by his big talk and charm, kind of like how Even breaks through to Isak with his story about Sonja’s aluminum leg later on. Though Isak is using a truthful story to move forward with his fake interest in Emma, and Even uses a false story to move forward with his real interest in Isak.

This clip ends on such a superficially lighthearted note but it doesn’t make you feel good. Instead it creates this sensation of dread.

This scene is so frustrating because like … Isak could have let this thing with Emma die after he canceled on her pre-drink. Sure, he would have had a first-year girl who didn’t like him, but big deal, in the scheme of things. Or he could have just apologized to her with no flirtation, been upfront about not wanting to take this thing with them further. But he creates an additional problem here by stoking Emma’s interest again. You can see this crashing and burning from a mile away.

Clip 4 - Hello dance chicks

This dance routine goes on too long, lmao, like this lasts more than a minute. Which, to be fair, is probably how it feels when you’re a closeted gay boy having to look at dancing girls because your friends like the view. But it’s also kinda like someone on the crew was like, “Hey Julie, would it be cool if we showcase my cousin and her dance team in this clip?” and Julie was too polite to say no. (This is not actually what I think happened, for the record.)

As noted in the script, this is another instance of Isak trying to make himself feel something, some bit of attraction to these physically fit, tightly-clothed girls, but all he can get out of it is fixation on weird details like the size of one girl’s hands. 

“Did he have to be so gay?” Isak, no. Don’t do this.

This is a direct consequence of crap like “the gay test” that fixates on stereotypes and maintaining a masculine image. It’s really sad that we see Isak try to promote this stuff when he’s raw with insecurity over it.

Also, dude, legit no one in your squad cares about whether that guy is gay. They’re all preoccupied with salivating over girls in activewear.

Later on in the episode we’ll hear Even criticize the act of making generalizations against gay people, something that Isak himself is doing here: generalizing that people who act like that must be gay and generalizing that people who are gay act like that. Like Emma claiming that her generalization isn’t a problem because it’s not negative, Isak tries to defend his comment once Jonas calls him on it by saying that he’s not “dissing” him but merely pointing out a fact. A very weak argument when the comment starts with Isak complaining about the guy being too gay.

Shoutout to Marlon’s utterly baffled face when Isak pulls this shit out of nowhere. It is very ironic that Jonas did encourage some of Isak’s insecurity in S1 with his comments about gay songs and going along with OG Elias’ gay jokes, but now Jonas seems to have matured beyond that behavior between seasons, and Isak, the actual gay guy, is the one left behind, struggling with internalized homophobia. 

Also, whether or not Jonas suspects Isak is gay at all at this point, it’s good that he called out his friend for saying some offensive crap. A lot of guys would laugh along or let the comment pass unchecked. S1 Jonas didn’t call out Elias and even acted like Isak was unreasonable for being upset. S3 Jonas is one hell of an upgrade on that front.

Lol, if you didn’t like Jonas in S1, S3 is his redemption arc. I was biased because I came into S1 having seen part of S3, so I knew Jonas was going to turn out to be an awesome dude. But it is really striking how the alternating POV structure can reveal different sides to characters, and Jonas is one of the characters with possibly the biggest differences revealed. Eva’s season shows Jonas at his worst; Isak’s season shows Jonas at his best. Some of that is definitely getting a year between them to account for Jonas’ increased maturity, and some of it is just being able to know Jonas in the context of a romantic relationship vs. in the context of a friendship.

Jonas mentions that Isak has been grouchy, because Jonas pays attention to his best bro’s well-being, because he cares!! So damn much!!

Mahdi is still checking out the girls and not paying a lick of attention to this Isak-Jonas argument when Even walks up, by the way. 

GODDAMMIT HENRIK, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO TALL

It burns me up inside that Even was wearing the snapback before he throws it to Isak and we didn’t get to see it. Because Henrik is a long, long man. Well, mostly because Julie shot it at that angle.

On the other hand, the angle works really well to create more tension in the scene. Even is towering over Isak and the other boys. His presence is sudden and big. He’s the looming problem that Isak can’t ignore. Isak is sitting down, off-guard. Not only is Even suddenly dominating this moment that was between Isak and his friends, he and Isak are literally not on the same level, both physically and in their interaction. As helpfully pointed out in the script, “Isak doesn’t understand shit about what just happened.”

In the script, Even not only is wearing the snapback, but he sticks it on Isak when he returns it, and like, I can see why that might be considered too much (and Isak immediately panics and takes it off in the script) but god DAMN do I want to see footage where they tried it this way. 

Lmao, so did Even know where to find Isak? Or was he wandering around the school with Isak’s hat, hoping to run into him? Or wearing it just because he liked having Isak’s hat on his head?

How much do you want to bet that Isak left the snapback behind because he was desperate to get out of Even’s apartment and away from the Even/Sonja makeout session as fast as possible? 

Even, on the other hand, was probably glad to have the hat as an excuse to talk to Isak again.

This scene could have gone very differently had Even found Isak alone instead of with the boy squad. Or, looking at it another way, did Even intentionally approach Isak when he wasn’t alone in order to nullify some of the tension from the situation? Because, even apart from Sonja’s appearance, there was some serious chemistry happening on Friday, I’m sure Even fell harder for Isak than he’d even expected. But his relationship with Sonja hangs between them. Maybe he thought having other people there would make the vibe less fraught. You underestimated how much Isak does not want his bros to know, Even. 

The way the atmosphere changes when Even walks in … you can feel Isak’s blood freeze. He just watches Even toss the snapback to him with no effort to catch it because he’s too shocked by what’s happening. He’s so panicked he can come up with absolutely no lies to salvage this situation.

Even is bouncing a little after he approaches Isak, which seems to be a nervous gesture for him. He might seem like the cool confident dude, and sure, Even is often confident and makes the first moves in his pursuit of Isak. But he’s also got a lot of deep-rooted vulnerability. If something happens with Isak … it’ll mean he has to end things with Sonja, a person who has seen Even at his lowest points and still accepts him, cutting off a relationship that has been a source of stability and support despite its serious flaws. And it’ll mean taking a chance on a new person who might not be so okay with the parts of himself Even hates the most.

Even, bless him, reads the tense situation without Isak saying anything. Even though they’re not on the same page, Even can at least tell that Isak is hiding something from his friends. This is one of those early moments that made me really like him - how easily and quickly he can read the room and especially what Isak is feeling, and can act quickly to help him out, similar to how Even handles Emma wanting to pair off with Isak at kosegruppa. He’s a very perceptive person. And he throws out a lie for Isak very casually and shrugs it off and walks away.

Isak is very confused by this encounter, and with scenes where Isak has no idea what’s happened I like to consider Even’s unseen side of the story (to be fair, I like to consider that for ... pretty much all scenes). So I’m trying to imagine what Even wanted or expected from this moment. This is the first scene where he’s interacting with Isak after a life-changing Friday afternoon where they got to know each other and fell hard for each other. That meeting ended with Even’s long-term girlfriend came by, bringing a cold dose of reality to this magical afternoon. So what does Even think will happen when he finds Isak again? What does he hope will happen?

I think from Even’s POV, this certainly wasn’t what he wanted to happen the next time he spoke to Isak. Isak was very clearly not happy with Even’s presence in that moment, which is never a great feeling. But if Even turned this moment over in his head - what was that all about? - he would have to consider that Isak was hiding something from his friends, specifically that he hung out with Even on Friday. So why didn’t Isak want to tell them? What’s so objectionable about two guys randomly hanging out and smoking weed together? Because if there wasn’t anything to hide, why couldn’t Isak just say, “Oh, thanks for returning my hat, hey guys, this is Even?” So then Even would run through the possibilities. Maybe Isak had other plans with these guys, and he bailed on them. But then why did he bail? Because he didn’t want to hang with them, or because he really wanted to hang with Even? Orrrrr …. Was there something else to that afternoon that Isak feels he can’t tell his friends about, and if so, what was that?

IDK, if I were in Even’s shoes, I would be analyzing the hell out of what just happened trying to pick out some meaning from it. And I think while I might be really hurt and disappointed in the moment, when I had been semi-rejected by Isak, if I thought about it further, I might feel a spark of hope over Isak’s reaction. Because maybe this feeling isn’t one-sided. Maybe that afternoon had more significance to Isak than just a fun hangout.

Of course this is all assuming Even is like me and obsesses over the little details of a confusing social interaction. He might have just thought, “Time to try again!” and started picking out the perfect outfit for Friday. We don’t get any clues between this scene and Even showing up at the party to tell us what he might have been thinking. 

The script makes it clear that Jonas remembers that Isak was wearing the snapback when they left the school on Friday, therefore realizing that Even was lying. Let’s applaud Jonas’ observational skills because tbh, I would not remember what hat my friends were wearing last week unless it was super out of the ordinary. I guess if one of them were borrowing my own hat I might mentally keep track of it? Still, Jonas is killing it this season with recognizing stuff’s up with Isak.

Isak and Jonas share clothes and I love it, by the way 💛💛💛

Isak calling Even “just some revue nerd from Vilde’s group” stings, man. I know he is obviously lying and Even is already so much more to him, but I’m glad Even wasn’t around to hear that. Like Isak dismissing Even that way is painful on Isak’s part, too. If only Even was “just some revue nerd” Isak wouldn’t be feeling like shit.

Honestly, bless Magnus for interrupting this miserable scenario with his weird-ass BDSM dreams. If ever there was a time where you needed your goofball friend to start talking about getting tied up and punished with a whip, this is it.

Some of Isak’s reaction to Magnus’ story seems like Tarjei laughing at his friend David delivering these ridiculous lines and some of it seems like he and Jonas can’t help but look at each other all are you hearing this shit and at one point it seems like Isak casts a look at Jonas as if to be like so are we done with the topic of gay people and my bad attitude and the revue nerd now? Are you distracted enough to forget it for now? Are we cool?

That whole moment with Even happened so quickly, you know that it was one of those incidents that goes by fast and is hard to process while it’s occurring. But as we later learn, it stuck with Jonas for a while.

So far, Isak has lied or taken part in a lie in every single clip this week: his mom’s “stress,” the gay test (lying to himself or trying to figure out how to live a lie), lying to Vilde about why he can’t host the party, lying to Jonas about who Even is and when Even got his snapback.

Clip 5 - Neon pre-game

This was the first Skam clip I ever saw!

The clip popped up in my recommendations on YouTube, and I was pulling an Isak and messing around on my laptop late at night, so I decided to watch. I fully expected to watch for a minute and then switch to something else, but no, this one clip had me hooked.

I know this is just like, a fun party theme where all the kids can get dressed up in wacky wigs and bright colors, but I think there’s something to both this scene and the 21:21 clip in the next episode that the setting is out of the ordinary and that allows the flirtation between Isak and Even to escalate.  In this clip, it’s a party, the lights are turned down, everyone’s dressed unusually. Things are already out of the norm. It’s because things aren’t ordinary that this situation with Isak and Even can be pushed a little farther. It’s when the lights are low and everyone’s dancing with painted faces that Isak and Even can lock eyes while they’re kissing girls because it’s something off from their usual reality. When the lights come up and the music’s off and everyone’s grabbing their coats to leave and go back into the rest of the world, breaking the spell, and Even levels that stare at Isak - that’s too real, that makes Isak look away. But it’s that slightly surreal, slightly dreamy vibe that allows for Isak and Even to take a step forward.

I love seeing Linn dressed up and socializing! Vilde was right, she needed a push.

Chris is here, but not Kasper, which is probably just due to actor availability since he’s mentioned in the script. It would have been nice to get some more insight into that relationship and especially what ended it, since we get so little of Chris’ inner life. I mean, Vilde/Magnus is also a “joke” relationship in a lot of respects and we still got more of a clue of why they might have something genuine besides a shared interest in TMI.

The script had Jonas calling Isak and Isak presumably ignoring him, a detail that is left out of the final clip. Jonas does mention that he tried to call Isak in a clip next episode, though.

Notice we open the dialogue with Isak asking Emma what music she likes, aka the question that Even asked him on Friday. Which is a common enough icebreaker, but I don’t think these facts are unrelated! Like I realize Isak has dating experience but really Isak takes a lot of cues from Even in navigating a real romantic relationship, little things that come up later on. And also, as much as Isak might be trying to be straight, trying to make it work with Emma, his mind is clearly drifting back to that afternoon with Even. How right it must have felt compared to this thing with Emma or with other girls, and how, maybe without even thinking about it much, he’s referring back to his interaction to Even as a model of how to flirt.

Lmao I mean, Justin Bieber ain’t my favorite musical artist either, but I feel like Isak’s reaction to Emma being a fan is so typical of dudes. I will give Emma some credit, she laughs off his teasing and doesn’t get too insecure about his comments, at least not visibly. And when he asks her about ‘90s hip-hop she admits she doesn’t know much about it instead of pretending to (ISAK).

Isak also sounds like a typical dude when talking about his musical tastes to Emma. However, Isak suddenly being an expert on Nas is the funniest shit ever. Emma, let me tell you all about the greatest musical artist ever, who I learned about a week ago! Tarjei plays this moment really well because I kinda cringed and I also laughed really hard.

It also shows that, even with Isak taking gay tests and trying to flirt with Emma this week, he found time to research and listen to Nas, someone important to Even.

In the script Vilde throws herself at Even into a hug when he enters and then it’s mentioned that “Vilde awkwardly greets Sonja,” which is kind of a random detail. I guess the awkwardness comes from Vilde launching herself too enthusiastically into a hug at Even in front of his girlfriend? Was Vilde supposed to be kinda thirsty for Even, thinking he was a single dude and wanting to get with someone (out of jealousy at her friends hooking up)?

The script also has Isak deliberately ignore Even when he tries to say hi, which wouldn’t have worked with the positioning of the actors in this scene, but it’s obviously colder than what we get here.

Looking ahead to S4, I’m still on the fence about how much Julie really thought about the Sana-Even connection - there are things that make me think she did plan it to a degree, there are things that seem retconned - but I’ve never thought this moment of Sonja introducing herself to Sana has to be a big inconsistency with Even and Sana knowing each other. All he had to do was tell Sonja beforehand that Sana would be at the party and that he didn’t want to call attention to the fact that they knew each other before he went to Nissen, and she probably would have agreed to play along like they were strangers.

I think Emma placed Isak’s hand on her boob because he momentarily stopped paying attention to her by looking at Even. But I don’t think she realized why he stopped paying attention to her.

Emma: “My bra will be bothering me until I can TAKE IT OFF I mean just a suggestion really it’d be so welcome to get out of it ha ha ha.”

I was going to laugh and say Isak could not look less interested in touching Emma’s boob but then I took another look at Tarjei’s face and remembered that Isak is supposed to be forcing himself to be turned on by girls, and mentally he was probably thinking okay, here’s your chance, focus and suddenly it got a lot less funny.

Jesus Lord, that look Even sends Isak from across the room while draping his jacket over his shoulder. While clad in that tight white T-shirt. He means business. No mystery at all why Isak takes that moment to gulp down his beer and start making out with Emma. This is certainly a challenge Isak is undertaking for himself, trying to be straight, but it’s also a fuck-you to Even (and not in the way Even wants). Hey Even, we flirt all afternoon and then your girlfriend comes in? Then you bring her to my apartment and give me that look across the room? Well, fuck you, I’m not dealing with your mixed signals now.

There is such a clear difference between when Isak makes out with girls versus when he kisses Even. With Emma here (and with Sara in S2) you can see how calculated it is; the way Isak rubs his hands over her back, the way he tilts his head in a coordinated way, the length of the kisses. It feels entirely like a performance with those girls, like there’s something cerebral about it, his mind is working on how to make it seem real from the outside. When Isak eventually kisses Even, it just seems like he’s … not thinking. Or maybe he’s thinking, but not because he’s trying to perform. With Even, Isak just wants to kiss him. He’s not worried about making it look good, he’s concentrated on how good it feels, and he’s just reacting on instinct with what his body wants. 

I would pay to see a version of this scene where Even plops down on the sofa and Emma is like, “Endre, Isak was just telling me about Nas, he says he made the best album of all time!”

Also, it wouldn’t have worked with Isak’s POV, but don’t you wish we could have seen Even’s face when he noticed Isak had his hand on Emma’s boob, and especially when Isak broke their loaded eye contact to make out with Emma? Like can you imagine on Even’s end, when he’s kind of still in that conversational bubble with Sonja and Vilde, how he burst out of it? OK GOTTA BLAST BYEEEEEEE

And then he launches across the room like he’s auditioning for The Flash.

“I’m starting to think you’re bonding too much” Subtle, Even.

“I thought we were a team?” SUBTLE.

Even does do an admirable job of trying to seem cheerful and not possessive or jealous, but you can see him deflate a little once he shakes Isak’s shoulder and compliments his apartment and Isak is just not having it, and meanwhile Emma gets to lean in to Isak taking advantage of that proximity. 

Lmao, can you imagine if these three actually attempted to bake bread or whatever for kosegruppa? All the passive-aggressiveness and competing for Isak’s attention, and Isak wanting to sink into the floor? I’ll say it again, I will never not feel a little cheated that we didn’t get more actual kosegruppa shenanigans.

It’s kinda funny that Emma is raving about Eskild considering they could have met only like an hour or so ago. And already she’s like “HE’S GAY, LIFE OF THE PARTY!”

Shout out to Eskild, Linn, and Chris’ dancing though. Loves of my life right there.

Even is honestly a very nice person, I think kindness is one of his defining qualities, but man, he does not care for Emma. Though even when he’s calling her out on her generalizing about gay people, he’s not being excessively rude to her? He’s not calling her homophobic or ignorant or anything, he’s just challenging her and explaining to her why it’s offensive. And he’s justified in doing so anyway, it’s not like he targeted her over something stupid. What she’s saying affects him as a pansexual person.

Actually, Emma harboring generalizations about gay people is perhaps part of why she didn’t consider that the boy turning down a blowjob from her and giving her mixed messages might be gay. He’s not ~hilarious and fitting into her ideas about gay people. To be clear, I’m not trying to put all the blame on her, because Isak is also randomly making out with her and encouraging her crush on him, too. But she’s just got a limited view of gay people and their experiences, as evidenced by other stuff later in the season.

Man, the way Isak’s head turns when Even calls Emma out on using superficial generalizations. This conversation is just what he needed to hear at this moment. That his paranoia over stuff like the gay test, his criticisms of the dance instructor for seeming too gay, all of that crap, are wrong. They’re inaccurate. Just because he likes guys does not mean Isak has to be this way or that way. That he can be an individual rather than having to cram himself into boxes that don’t fit. That if he identifies as gay, it doesn’t mean that everyone can sum up his existence by that one adjective. And he’s hearing it from exactly the best person who could say it at this moment: the guy he likes. Imagine what a relief it is to know not only that Even doesn’t buy into this bullshit, but also that he will vocally speak out against it. And you know that Isak is also wondering more about whether Even is not straight based on this conversation because it sounds like Even has given this topic a lot of thought.

Also when Emma is objecting to Even’s comments, she turns back to Isak, maybe for reinforcement, or maybe because she doesn’t want to lose an argument in front of him, and he quickly lowers his gaze, because he doesn’t want to seem too interested in what Even is saying. But of course Isak is intensely interested. Emma isn’t even quite in focus in some of these shots. It’s all Isak zeroing in on Even’s perspective.

Even also uses the “All Muslims are terrorists” example as a comparison, and it was one of the moments that people took as potential evidence that Even had an interest in Islam and possibly knew Sana. After S4, we know that this example is personal to him because his best friends were Muslims and experienced the harm from those generalizations.

Additionally, if you consider that Even had a suicidal episode prior to this season that had something to do with shame over liking boys, this is quite a bit of self-reflection to have gained in the meantime. I’m not sure we ever learn exactly when Even’s suicide attempt took place (like what month and exactly how much school he missed)? But in the period between the suicide attempt and S3, Even appeared to have gained a lot of acceptance about his sexuality.

As I said above, this is the first Skam clip I ever saw, and this moment right here, with Even and Emma talking on the couch, was the one that really grabbed my attention. I was impressed with this part because it seemed to have more nuance and maturity than a lot of similar takes on homophobia - I feel like a lot of shows sometimes still don’t get that positive generalizations are still generalizations? And I definitely feel like many shows’ characters wouldn’t have a discussion about it. 

And for what it’s worth, I really liked Even after this exchange and it’s one of many moments that made it harder for me to think that he was two-timing or using Isak. This seemed very genuine and thoughtful, and like he was someone who had strong investment in the topic. 

Not to drag Emma too much again, but her calling this conversation “boring” is something that makes me, well, less than fond of her. In fact I find her calling this conversation boring and flouncing away a lot worse than making a generalization about gay people in the first place. Because people do say offensive things out of ignorance; Isak certainly says his fair share of crap regarding gay people this season. But people can also be educated about these points. For instance, Isak takes Eskild’s Pride speech seriously. It’s that Emma doesn’t take Even’s comments seriously that’s bad. That she doesn’t want to confront that she may be perpetuating harmful ideas. I don’t expect her to fall over herself apologizing but this conversation has not permeated her brain at all. This isn’t a “boring” conversation to Isak, who is gay, and who needs this conversation at the moment. The fact that Emma can call it boring and walk away is some massive straight privilege. I don’t want to demonize her too much because she is only like 16, but yeah, girl is very ignorant about LGBT issues. 

HERE WE GO, ANOTHER ICONIC S3 MOMENT.

I never really noticed but at the beginning of Call Your Girlfriend, when we’re watching Isak bop along (adorably), you can see Even’s neon bandanna at the side of the frame, out of focus. It reminds me a lot of shots where we are firmly in Isak’s POV, such as in the Talk Show Host courtyard walk, where part of Isak’s head is at the side of the frame out of focus, almost like we’re watching over his shoulder, or directly seeing through his eyes. So this moment in Call Your Girlfriend, whether intentional or not, almost seems like we’re watching through Even’s eyes as he looks at Isak dancing. It doesn’t work perfectly, since Isak eventually looks off to the side at Even (and not at the camera) but I like to think of Even watching Isak as he danced with Emma, turning back to Sonja a moment before Isak looked over at Even.

So I love the Evak nose rubs as much as anyone, that’s their special thing, but Even does it here to Sonja as they’re dancing. My headcanon is going to be that Isak saw this and deliberately instigated it with Even in the bed scene as a way of making it theirs. I really think Isak takes a lot of cues from Even, as mentioned earlier, more than he realizes consciously.

Also, while I think Even making out with Sonja at the end of S2 was for Sonja’s benefit, in this scene I think a lot of the Even/Sonja making out is a performance for Isak. Which is not really fair to Sonja, but well, there you go. Even saw Isak making out with Emma, he suspects it was for show (if nothing else he knows Isak was not enthused to be in a kosegruppa group with Emma and so his interest probably isn’t genuine), and this is his way of saying two can play that game.

never 4get the iconic script line by Julie in reference to Isak’s dancing, “lol Tarjei”

THIS SONG, by the way. This song is a jam anyway but talk about those completely on-point lyrics.

This is one of those diegetic music moments where the characters are listening to the music inside the scene. What makes it work so damn well is because Even knows this song and is deliberately making eye contact with Isak at the most apropos lyrics. You can’t tell me otherwise. It’s not just the soundtrack coincidentally happening to sync up and be lyrically relevant for the viewers, it’s the song syncing up within the scene itself, at the party - that would be loaded enough, but Even is also putting on a show for Isak here. There’s a reason he turns Sonja in place and looks at Isak exactly at the line “and now it’s gonna be me and you.” Yeah, I know I’m with her, Isak, and I know you’re with her, but I feel you looking at me, and I’m gonna look back. 

I mean Even, Gabrielle’s #1 fan, knows how to communicate meaningfully via pop songs to the object of his affection.

Possibly my favorite part is right after that scorching eye contact, when you can see Isak has just been struck to the core by Even looking at him, and then he closes his eyes and goes back to kissing Emma. Because you know he’s imagining he’s kissing someone else.

I feel bad for Sonja and Emma here but at least they remained happily oblivious to the boys eye-fucking each other across the room while making out with them. 

There’s not enough Eva in this season so let’s appreciate how gosh darn cute she is with her yellow hair bow.

Also Sana is so precious with her face paint and dimples!

How did Isak not burst into flames when Even looked across the room at him like that? The most smoldering look of the clip, for my money. That is the gaze of a man who knows what (who) he wants and is not shy to show it. Also note Isak quickly looking away and then “surreptitiously” back to Even a moment later, when Even has looked away and is deciding to play it more cool.

Emma touches Sonja’s teeth which is kind of weird, although Sonja does have very nice teeth! But I mean, even my close friends probably wouldn’t just touch my teeth for fun, let alone someone I just met. I assume this was something to do with the blacklight? Sonja’s teeth were very bright in the dark? Or else Emma is interested in amateur dentistry.

Lmao when Emma suggests Isak take a taxi with her, Sonja, and Even, you can imagine that is the absolute last scenario Isak would enjoy right now, Emma trying to get into his pants and Even mentally undressing him while Sonja is right there.

Here we goooooooo with another memorable Evak kitchen scene! Julie sure loves to have people flirt in kitchens, huh.

Guys, I got butterflies watching this scene. I don’t know how many times I’ve seen it, but part of me is still like are they going to kiss????

“Didn’t you take a taxi with the others?” “I have a bike.” Lmao I don’t believe that.

I can FEEL the tension coming off the screen. Like I can imagine everything Isak is feeling here. The nerves, the attraction, the pull toward Even. Trying to fight it, trying to maintain some detachment.

You can imagine Isak’s heart beating so fast. SHIT Even is right here, in his personal space, they’re alone together.

Even asks about Isak having a good time with Emma - funny because we all know, and he knows, that Isak just made out with Emma while staring at Even. It’s a joke, an inquiry that would seem harmless except for the massive irony. Also not a joke because Even really is kind of jealous and Isak plays off his comment. No matter if they’re aware of this thing between them, Isak is still making out with someone other than Even and it stings.

The acting here is so so SO good. Isak is like “why are you telling me about this” when Even starts talking about Sonja, he’s cautious, he’s trying not to give himself away. Meanwhile Even is trying to find a way to break through to Isak. He’s trying to communicate that he doesn’t want to be with her, but that it’s complicated. And when Isak is not having it, he switches to making an outlandish joke about it. Both of them communicate these shifts so well with their microexpressions, body language, tone of voice, etc.

There’s so much delicious subtext in this scene! This is one of Skam’s strengths - we know what’s going on in this scene, they don’t need to spell it out for us with lots of straighforward expository dialogue because the strength of the acting, the pacing, and the carefully chosen dialogue tells us everything we need to know. On a very instinctive level, we can tell when Isak becomes more on edge or when he lowers his guard; we can tell when Even decides he needs to try a new tactic in getting through to Isak.

Even and Sonja’s relationship is pretty complex even if we don’t get many glimpses at it up close and personal - you have to take a lot of it in bits and pieces, based on what Even says, what Sonja says, what Isak sees. I think they really needed to break up whether or not Isak was in the picture, but the thing is, I can completely understand why Even feels he can’t break up with her. She’s the one who stood by him through his episodes, throughout a terrible point of his life, and he probably feels like he owes her or that it’s wrong to leave her after all that. Adding to that, she’s one of the most stable factors in his life - after losing his friends, having to change schools, having to repeat his final year, dealing with manic/depressive episodes, etc. And because Sonja calls the shots, she’s someone he can rely on. He’s used to her taking control and telling him what’s real and not real. He’s got so much insecurity about his mental illness and he’s used to Sonja for support, so you can imagine how it’d be hard to cut himself off from her judgment. How is he supposed to stand on his own? She’s his aluminum leg.

Again, Even thinking quickly on his feet, spinning this ridiculous yarn about Sonja’s aluminum leg. He really gets into it! And this dumb story does melt the tension so beautifully, so kudos to Even for being a giant weirdo.

That is a damn fine delivery by Tarjei on Isak’s confused “What?” Precious.

As has been analyzed many times, Even’s story about Sonja’s aluminum leg is not really about his girlfriend’s fake prosthetic limb. He’s talking about himself and his bipolar disorder. She’s doing a lot better now (Even is doing a lot better after his manic/depressive episodes at Elvebakken and his suicide attempt). She’s gotten a lot of help from physiotherapists (Even has presumably been to some mental health specialists. Although it would be nice to know this for certain! Something I always wanted more of - info on Even’s mental health treatment plan.) You can hardly see she limps (Even seems like a swaggering confident young man and at first glance you would not be able to see his mental health struggles or vulnerabilities).

Notice how Even moves in subtly closer to Isak after Isak’s clued in on the joke, and that the camera zooms in a bit as well, making us feel the distance closing. I think even Isak notices and needs a second to adjust (after Even says he could’ve joked about something way worse, he kind of sputters out a reply, which could be disbelief or could also be him taking a second to re-calibrate with Even RIGHT THERE OMG).

This is how you do on-screen chemistry. Tarjei and Henrik are really feeding off each other, responding to each other’s movements and eye contact, making this conversation seem natural.

Regarding Even’s comment about Sonja having a dick and that this would be way too far to joke about - I definitely get why this comment would bother people. I think part of the joke is that Even is quite fine with dick and “going too far” is ironic when Even keeps joking about dick and balls, including making a blowjob joke within seconds of his first conversation with Isak. Their reactions make it clear that talking about dick is a lot more charged when there’s all this sexual tension floating around in the kitchen. But the comment is somewhat jarring and is worded in an unfortunate way that’s close to common transphobic arguments.

Isak not being able to look at Even at this point slays me. He tries it for a second but quickly looks back down. Even is too close, Isak is too attracted to him, this tension between them is too thick, Even’s girlfriend is too much of an obstacle and it’s too hard to think about how Even can’t break up with her, and all his plans for this week about how to get turned on by Emma, how to act straight, are unraveling so fast because this thing with Even is too real. It’s too much.

And when Isak says Sonja’s name it’s palpable how much this situation upsets him. Sonja is very sweet and cute. She’s Even’s very nice girlfriend who he can’t dump. No matter if they’re flirting and there’s all this tension, she’s the elephant in the room. It’s like it’s the fact that Isak is clearly struggling and not even able to look at him that makes Even decide to kiss him, because he knows what it means. Show him it’s not about Sonja anymore. My heart hurts at how resolutely Isak keeps his head down, even when Even moves in for the kiss.

Can I just say I love the sound effects in this scene? Or rather, lack thereof? I think you can hear the door unlocking at one point, for Noora, but otherwise the silence, just their breathing, every inch they move, all of that is so perfect. Like this is all being laid bare, it’s hard to hide anymore when it’s just the two of them and there are no distractions.

I adore Julie’s bit in the script about Isak looking down at the hole in the sock. ADORE IT. I can completely see it even if it’s not physically shown on screen. I know it’s mostly to get Tarjei into Isak’s mindset but damn that bit is so perfect. 

Though this is the part in the season where I’m like, OK, Even should’ve broken up with Sonja. Even though I completely get why he doesn’t from a character perspective! The previous episodes contained this nebulous getting-to-know-you phase where I can accept Even still being with Sonja to a degree even if there is some emotional cheating going on, even if he’s deliberately trying to get close to Isak. But trying to kiss someone? That’s when you need to decide if you want to call it quits with your old partner or pursue this new person. Although again, I get why he wanted to be REALLY FUCKING CERTAIN before he broke up with her, considering it’s not easy to end this relationship and the last time he made a move on a boy, things did not end well.

Imagine being a Norwegian Skam fan and following S2 and being obsessed with Noora’s story which is this national phenomenon, and then S3 starts and Noora’s just gone, not only out of focus but gone, out of the damn country, and you miss her and want to see her again, and maybe you’re not really keen on this Isak kid but after a few episodes you’re warming up to him and his budding romance with Even is really cute and you hope they get together and then there’s this scene packed full of sexual tension and they’re about to finally kiss and it feels like ages even though it’s only been like three weeks and that is when some jackass interrupts this almost-kiss and you’re going to murder whoever did it and that is when you get your beloved Noora back. I mean. A+ trolling, Julie.

What did Even think of Noora, anyway, with that look he shoots Isak? Just a general “who is this and why is she preempting our makeouts” or is he wondering if she’s Isak’s ex or something?

I think so much about what happened right after this scene! How awkward was Even’s leaving? It seems from the next clip (at the start of episode 4) that they talked about hanging out the next day? I wonder if that was supposed to be a text message or something that didn’t make it into the social media updates. Did Even go home by himself, or did he go find Sonja and the others? I’m not sure if that’s clear from the texts. What would have happened if Noora came home like a minute later, after they’d kissed - would Even have broken up with Sonja immediately or 

I used to wonder when Isak got Even’s phone number. For a while I thought he had Even listed as “Even Kosegruppa” in his phone because he got his number at the first kosegruppa meeting - that seems pretty early in their relationship, but it’s also the only period of time where he didn’t know Even’s full name, and it would have made sense to call him “Even Kosegruppa” seeing that’s the only context he knew him at that point. But it did seem strange to me that they would have exchanged numbers but Isak wouldn’t be shown freaking out over this, or Even wouldn’t have “casually” contacted Isak. So now I’m thinking they only exchanged numbers after this party scene, when they were tentatively making plans to hang out the next day. Tbh I could totally see Even putting himself as “Even Kosegruppa” in Isak’s phone to be funny. Because clearly this connection between them has escalated and there’s a joke in suggesting that Isak needs to be reminded how he knows Even - oh yeah, that guy from kosegruppa - when they both know it’s more than that. And Isak would of course never change it.

The song over the credits (”Lite og Stort” by No. 4) is about finding your way back home, which is literally Noora’s situation right now. I think the lyrics are specifically about “home” meaning Norway as a country? I’m going off the English translation, though, feel free to correct if I’m missing something. 

Anyway this scene hooked me. I was blown away by their acting in the kitchen scene, I was floored by the level of chemistry. Despite not knowing anything that came before this scene, I needed to have these characters kiss! And I loved the pacing and the dialogue, how natural it all felt. I distinctly remember thinking. “Now this is the kind of television I like to watch.”

General Comments:

This week has one of my favorite uses of social media, the “If you don’t remember her name in the morning take her to Starbucks” picture. It went up after the clip with the dance chicks. Utterly perfect deployment, Isak posting that right when he’s concerned about seeming straight. All performative, all BS.  

Isak lies to the guys about the party, claiming he’s going home to chill and do washing. Magnus even mentions that there’s a revue party happening but Isak fails to mention that he’s hosting it.

Emma messages Isak after she’s left the pre-drink asking him where he is and later drunk texts him telling him he’s great and wanting to go over and be with him at like 3 a.m. Isak, you dug that hole yourself.

Isak asks Emma how everything went after the neon pre-drink and Emma is like, “Sonja is so cool!” and immediately Isak is all “I have to go now.” Sonja’s awesomeness is not something he wants to hear about in detail.

I didn’t realize but there’s an IG post from Magnus on Friday showing Mahdi hooking up with a girl and Magnus calling himself a third wheel. I didn’t remember Mahdi ever hooking up on screen with anyone so I mean, I’m glad he got some during the show?

I own exactly one Funko Pop (Brienne of Tarth) and I know this would never happen outside of my dreams but I would kill for some Skam Funkos, particularly of the last clip of this episode, with Even’s white T-shirt and neon bandanna and Isak’s pink paint streaks and Illuminati shirt. Complete with Noora for that special cock-blocking authenticity.

This is a total tangent, but I’ve been looking up Baz Luhrmann stuff for these recaps and did you know that there’s a Moulin Rouge stage musical that literally just premiered? As in, yesterday, July 10? Starring Aaron Tveit as Christian? I have left my middle school Moulin Rouge obsession out of these recaps but I’m wondering how a live musical version is going to work. There’s a ton of it that would translate fine but then I feel like a Moulin Rouge without Baz Luhrmann giving you motion sickness with his wild-ass editing and cinematography is missing that special something.

[theshipden]

Uniforms and Competitions

 the thing literally no one asked for but are getting anyway because I’m a sucker for uniforms and my OTP pining and IN uniforms

Literally just billdip and slight twin bonding

Dipper hated how he couldn't say no to his sibling, and he hated how overprotective Stan was and how Ford agreed. They both agreed to put him into JROTC during his highschool years, his sister had taken it her first year and fell in love with it. She bragged to their uncles and it seemed they thought Dipper needed that extra push, so the beginning of the school year he found himself in the classroom full of other cadets. The entirety of the first week was covered by the handbook, then a little bit about the uniforms they'd be issued the following week and finally the chain of command at the core. Luckily, his school offered the Air Force, easily the best of the branches or at least he thought so. The brunette's eyes scanned the list of names and ranks he didn't understand quite yet, hoping to remember something, what he could understand was Core Commander: Bill Cipher. The highest rank and the one who held most authority over all cadets, favored by the principal for the title. He was told he'd meet all the leaders, or were they commanders too? He wasn't sure.

Mabel, being an AS-2, meant she wasn't in his class- or flight, as they called it- and he was alone. Well except for Pacficia but they didn't really talk, more like sat next to each other for the comfort and security it caused, easing some of the anxiety they both felt. The first official task was to learn the entire 30 drill count, not the movements but simply the order in which to call them in, it was a written test. One he easily passed. Next came the first 10 commands, which were fairly easy considering they were all stationary, he and Pacifica picked them up without any struggles. The weeks seemed to fly by, he signed up for service projects and got over his expected hours, and uniforms were issued out. He was instructed on the proper way to wear everything, from the shoes and socks to the buttons and ties, only when he gathered ribbons and badges did he need to learn more. Passing inspections were easy it seemed.

The first time he'd met Bill was unexpected. Dipper was writing down some notes about the current lesson on the Air Force development when the sudden booming voice of his flight commander interrupt his train of thoughts, calling them all to attention as someone entered the room. Immediately all cadets snapped to the rightful position, standing upright with their arms pinned to their sides, expression neutral and cold as they stared dead ahead. Then they were dismissed and everyone was left wondering about the sudden command and new playful blonde that waltzed into the room and plopped themselves down in one of the instructor's chairs. Keyhole, the flight's commander, smiled wide. Usually he hated interruptions whenever he was teaching, but here he was, joking and grinning with the newcomer.

"Cadets, I'd like you all to meet someone special!" Keyhole gestured to the strange blonde, said man sat crossed legged in the chair with an impossibly bright grin on his face. "This is your Core Commander, you will treat him with respect. You will listen to what he tells you and will not argue back, cadets who do will serve detention and be thrown out of here with a failing grade. When you see him in the hallways during uniform days, you will salute him. Cadets who don't will be warned then issued detention. Am I clear?"

"Yes, sir." Came the in unison reply, each person etching the memory of Bill into their minds to not forget. The brunette must admit, he wasn't bad looking at all. Wavy blonde hair with faded black sides, mysterious eyepatch that seemed to belong on his face, infectious if not alluring smile, luscious lashes and a toned structure. His presence radiated dominance and called for respect and obedience, almost daring anyone to challenge his authority, all the while appearing friendly.

"Tomorrow's your first uniform inspection." Bill started out flatly, eyeing each person with a smug smile, owning the room by just his voice. "Some mistakes and errors will be expected, no points will be taken off your score. Next week we expect them to be fixed or lessened in amount, the week after will the grades start to drop. I'll be making an appearance by the entrance of the school so you can't get out of saluting me, and I'll be watching you all. If you break a rule and I, specifically, don't catch you, I have 200 other cadets who will." Dipper locked eyes with the blonde, gulping at the clear subtle threat that loomed over their heads like thick dark clouds. He felt something akin to nervousness float down his sides and nestle in his gut the longer Cipher held his gaze on him, then in a moment's relief it shifted over to Pacifica.

Afterwards, the lesson continued on with Bill there. Maybe twice Keyhole had stopped to joke or mess around with the blonde, it was obvious of the friendship they had, he even gave the reigns to Bill without the boy even asking. Their interactions eased the class, the tension and anxiety melting off as they all chuckled here and there at some of the words spoken or horsing around their 'professional' leaders did all the while teaching. Maybe things weren't as bad as he had imagined.

------

Mabel woke him up a bit earlier that morning, insisting he needed the extra time to get ready and dressed. He groaned but agreed, throwing on his pants and shirt before pausing. Which way did the belt go again?

"Uh, Mabs," Dipper called out. At least he had a sibling who had a year's worth of experience and knowledge to help him out, upon hearing her name, Mabel jumped out of the bathroom. Her long brown hair was tied in a tight, neat ponytail.

"Yeah, bro-bro?" She raised a brow at him, quickly wrapping the length of her hair around the base, tying the band around it and glancing in the mirror. It was the perfect bun, completely in regulation. Mabel always ranted about how easy the boys had it, he silently agreed. Buns seemed so...difficult. He wasn't sure how his sister did it every Wednesday.

"Which way does the belt go for guys again?" He gestured towards his belt, confusion written plain as day across his face as he spared a few looks at Mabel's.

"Opposite of girls, so left. Oh! Make sure you shine your shoes really well! And no pen marks on your hands!"

"I know, I know! They covered this, thanks Miss Cadet Guide." He sarcastically responded, a soft smile etched across his face at his sister's worry. He appreciated Mabel and all she did, all her support and encouragement, her eagerness to help, he was thankful they were so close. He'd always be thankful to have her around. His sibling merely gave him a grin before disappearing back into the bathroom to fix anything un-centered.

Departing the house, the twins put their flight caps on to their heads before walking to their bus. The ride was full of Mabel going over anything he might forget, tips, pointers, they were really helpful and he made sure to remember them once they parted ways. Once off the bus, the twins proudly marched on to school ground, other cadets matching the blue hues and shushing his internal worries. Dipper felt quite plain compared to his sister who was decked out with an insignia, ribbons, even a badge! And he had nothing but a name tag. Pitiful. It was only when the officers came into view did he feel anxious. Their uniforms had twice as many ribbons, their signias were different and insanely professional, black shoulder cuffs, badges and wings, some even had a stripe down their pant leg and different caps. Mabel quickly whispered who was who: In the middle was Bill, to his left was some girl named Pyronica, next to her was some kid with a nickname of EightBall, and to Bill's right was a boy nicknamed Teeth. She further explained how Pyronica was the Drill commander and EightBall one of the P.T leaders, Teeth was in charge of a club within the core. He saw the women's eye turn on them, and the other's followed her gaze, all eyes on the twins. Dipper felt his heart stop when sharp irises bore into his figure, he could've sworn they glowed under the shining sun along with that head of beautiful blonde hair. Mabel gave him a pat on the shoulder to calm him as they walked past, both paused to salute.

"Good morning, sir!" Mabel chirped happily, and Dipper mumbled the same comment albeit softer and full of silent fear. Bill raised his hand in his own salute, dropping it as did the twins. The female twin began to stalk off with her brother in tow when a voice made them both freeze.

"Cadets."

Mabel turned and politely walked back, a pleasant and warm smile greeting the officers while her brother seemingly hid behind her stature. "Yes, sir?"

Pyronica beamed, motioning Dipper forward. Obediently he stepped towards her, looking uncertain and wondering what he did wrong. Was it his salute? Did he accidentally disrespect them? Was his uniform not good enough? Was something wrong?

"Everything seems to be in order, good job Mabel, it's nice to finally meet you Dipper! Glad to put a name with a face." The brunette was positive his figure visibly deflated at the remark, a sign of relief gracing his tensed features. His sister responded, he gave a soft reply of his own before they were off again. He gave a moment's glance back in time to see Bill being saluted by another cadet, he looked dangerous in an intimidating way but alluring, powerful, and yet so bubbly and open.

"So, are they all friends or..?" Dipper questioned, straightening his posture before continuing to look ahead. He felt envious of all their achievements, he wanted to look just as good as Mabel, maybe even better. He wanted to be recognized, he wanted that same level of respect, what if Bill noticed him? Could they be friends? Oh god, the thought made his stomach twist.

"Pretty much, yeah! I've heard during their first year they were all incredibly close with one another, they all listened to Bill too! Crazy how everyone now does as well and he controls everything. Seriously! All his friends are in charge of something in the core, it's both amazing and kinda suspicious. Like they, ya know, planned it." She giggled, waving to some other cadets and friends as they walked by.

"Yeah, heh, strange." He found himself mumbling trying to imagine what Bill would look like fresh and young, he just couldn't picture it. He wanted to know more about this mysteriously enticing boy.

"Oh-Sorry, Dippin-Dots! I promised Paz I'd help her with her bun before first period! Just make sure you don't scuff your shoes or lose your cap, okay? Cool, bye!" Without another word Mabel left him alone. Throughout the day, he'd see Bill walk and talk to someone but he was never spotted or seen which entitled him to not do anything, Dipper was incredibly grateful for it.

The weeks passed by without any real struggles, and Dipper was growing accustomed to saluting and the flow of the flight. Bill came and went in his flight, sometimes dropped in and gave a lecture when the cadets are bad or something happened in the school, but he rarely interacted with the blonde. But today was their PT day, and everyone had to participate in a competition, and said blonde boy had come up with the idea.

"Everyone get a partner! This is a two person activity- and before you ask no you can't get out of this or go to the nurse or use the bathroom or any other excuse you might use." Some groaned, others beamed with excitement, and few were stuck between choosing which one to do. Bill only carried on unbothered. 

"Everyone knows what the 'wheelbarrel' exercise is, right? Good. We're going to make the person on their hands plank while the person standing squats, whoever holds it the longest wins a prize. And you will be switching out."

That riffled the cadets up, partners were chosen and Pacifica looked towards him in silent question, he nodded. It was an agreement never really spoken out loud that they would be there for each other, not that they were close or friends, but because they didn't particularly like anybody. Or rather, didn't want to get to know anyone else. It was agreed that Dipper would plank first. Everyone found a spot on the mats, laying on the floor with their partners loosely holding their ankle in wait. Then the "Go!" Was given. Dipper felt his lower half rise slightly as he pushed his upper torso up on his arms. Around him he could hear Keyhole's and Bill's voice snicker and correct others.

"You're not low enough, squat down more."

"Keep that butt down, cadet."

"Push up! Push up! C'mon we only just started! Tough out!"

"Hold it, hold it."

And it went on.

 People groaned and grunted, some thumps were heard as teams gave up. The seconds passed like half asleep snails, minutes ticked by at the speed of Earth's rotations, he could feel his muscles tightening and his arms trembled at the strain. Another glance around him and he saw they were one of the few surviving teams. He exchanged short words of encouragement with Pacifica, Keyhole coming over to cheer them on. Another minute. Another thump, another wave of strain, another gulp of air, the stronger his arms shook and his body ached- and he fell. Before anybody could switch positions a cadet spoke up.

"Cipher, sir, I bet I could beat you!" No one knew who this newly arrived cadet was, when had they walked in? How long had they watched? Why where they even here? Bill only smirked, Keyhole shaking his head in pure amusement as the rest of the cadets watched in astonishment and confusion.

"Krytpos, scram. I'm training a class here. Can't have you wasting my time." Bill sneered, writing down individual times and the team who had won. The new boy seemed persistent, obviously this was a sort of routine between the two.

"What? Afraid I'll finally best you!? Hah! You're chicken!" Kryptos laughed, a little too loud and a little too long, which earned an eye roll from the blonde. He clicked his pen before sighing, looking both amused and annoyed. It was clear he wasn't going to relent. 

"Oh- whaat? C'mon please! You can't seriously be backing out on a challenge!! Keyhole, help me out here."

"Hey, don't bring me into this." There was a short pause, smile stretching wide across the commander's face. "But- I would like to see you get your butt handed to you, Kryptos."

"Wha-No!"

"Bill, why don't you just do it? Show these cadets how it's done! Scorn this poser," Keyhole gestured towards the offended Kryptos. Who, in turn, gaped. Bill still looked disinterested before he finally agreed to it making everyone cheer. The chance to see a rivalry between their very core commander and some guy? Of course they'd be excited. Dipper especially.

"Anyone's welcome to join us, matter of fact, you're all joining us! Switch with your partners!" Bill's voice rose over the roar of kids, instantly silencing them as team members knelt down and got ready to go. The adrenaline ebbed the pain away, this actually wasn't so bad, almost fun even. And now it had gotten ten times more interesting and enjoyable.

"Keyhole's my partner! Bill you're gonna have to get a rookie." The newcomer boasted proudly, throwing an arm around his flight commander's shoulders before dragging him to the mat and taking up the plank position. Said blonde reluctantly agreed and looked around for someone to pick, a captivating golden eye landed on him and suddenly Bill was walking over. Dipper paled, nervousness pumping through his veins almost as quick as his own blood.

"Aren't you the other Pines twin?" Dipper nodded solemnly, a little sad that his name wasn't remembered. He wasn't that insignificant. "To avoid confusion, I'm addressing you as Pinetree now, your sister's Shooting Star. Now you're my partner, try not to buckle under pressure. Kay? I'm here to win." Bill flashed him a smirk, showing off perfectly white teeth before he crouched down and laid stomach down on the mat.

Dipper took in a deep breath and sighed heavily moving to hold Bill's legs as he waited for the signal to begin. He definitely did not want to be the reason the core commander lost, he was jealous that Pacifica got to get a partner that wasn't entirely powerful and intimidating. What if he couldn't last as long? Would Bill be mad at him, would he become a target, would he leave a horrid first impression? His mind raced and he desperately wished Mabel could be here to take his place or scream supportive words that ripped him out of his thoughts.

"Go! Everybody up!"

Dipper raised Bill's legs up, squatted down and watched as the blonde easily hoisted his torso up and held it. This time, people dropped faster, he guessed it was due to the previous round's aches and tiredness. Pacifica toughed it out, one glance at Keyhole and Kryptos told him they were determined to win, other teams held the same fire in their eyes. Dipper felt himself grow discouraged, legs started to tremble under the heavy pressure, there was no way he could do this! Bill was going to despise him afterwards- Perfect. The head of commander out for his blood, just fantastic. Right when he felt like giving up, he heard his new appointed 'partner' speak up.

"Hey, Pinetree, how you holding up hm? Not thinking about giving up are you?" Bill sounded incredibly normal, not affected at all by the plank he was holding. His voice sounded light and friendly, completely void of all previous smugness and competitive edge. Why was he starting up conversation now, of all times?

"Uh- No, no sir, of course n-not." The brunette stuttered a bit breathless, readjusting his grip on the other's legs to get a firmer hold as if to solidify his resolve. Against his better judgement, he decided to respond, Mabel would've wanted him to not be so 'nerdy'. "You're not thinking of, uh, giving up either, huh?"

Hearing the comment, Bill snickered, turning his head over his shoulder to look at the twin with a grin. "Me? Oh, never! I don't give up, kid. Such a pleasure to finally get to know Star's infamous brother." Bill turned to spare Kryptos a look, mocking him from across the room once he spotted the obvious strain on his face. Keyhole was whispering desperately for him to tough it out, hold on, last a little longer, and the blonde only snorted.

"That's the second time I've heard that. Does," He paused. Swallowing whatever worries or anxieties gnawing at his heart in turn of speaking casually. "Does Mabel talk about me a lot?"

"Every now and then yeah, don't worry, it's all good things!" Dipper felt the other shift on his arms, hands instinctively securing his legs. During the conversation the aching in his abdomen and thighs lessened as if forgotten in the mist of the words and actions. "Py and Star seem to get along quite well, and it's only natural I'd make sure she's hanging with the right crowd. Glad to have you in the core, kid."

A thump and a groan was heard, momentarily distracting them, teams were starting to drop quicker then ever. Soon it was only the two, Krytpos vs Bill. Cadets were picking sides, cheering them on and trying to dishearten the other side. Dipper shot a worried look at Pacifica who in turn gave him a thumbs up, he huffed and wondered how the hell anyone managed for this long. He was positive a century passed and his legs were beginning to reveal the earlier ache he'd forgotten during his conversation, after another minute Kryptos fell. Keyhole and him turned the blame on one another, while Bill taunted them with a victorious laugh. Dipper was grateful they had dropped, he wasn't sure if he could've lasted another minute or two. Taking in a greedy gulp of air he forced his voice to steady as he spoke up. "S-Sir? Can I drop you now?"

"Aw, can't you last any longer?" Bill pouted, he glanced back at the twin and saw he was utterly spent and barely hanging on. He forgot how weak the new ones were but considering how long the brunette actually lasted he decided to relent, he had won. That was all that really mattered in the moment. "Alright Pinetree, you can drop me." He felt his lower body gently drop and Bill rested himself on the floor briefly before pushing up and standing. Shifting he looked at the twin, he seemed exhausted. The blonde decided to squat down, giving the boy a pat on the back. "Not bad, kid, not bad at all. Ever considered joining the PT team?”

“Uhh- gave it some thought, sir, why?” Came the exhausted mumble, his eyes glancing to meet the stare of the other’s captivating golden hue. He could feel his heart fluttering- and this time not from the exercise.

 “I think you’d be an excellent member of the team, you should try out!” When Bill was met without a response, really the kid didn’t look to excited to hear the words ‘tryouts’, so he decided to offer the twin a deal. Besides- if his sister was an excellent cadet, he should be too. “I’ll tell ya what, If you want to join the team. I’ll put you in, no questions asked. And if not, don’t sweat it.”

Dipper looked up to meet the warm grin of the commander, he was thankful that his cheeks were already red from the challenge because then his blush would’ve been so painfully obvious. “Y-You’d really, do that for, well for a first-year like me?”

“I’m the Core commander, I can do whatever I want, plus I’m in charge of the team! So yes, I think you have what it takes and your sister would nag me, the offer is open.”

The chance at seeing the blonde in action made adrenaline course throughout his veins, he was definitely curious as to what Bill looked like rugged. It’s not like he wasn’t insanely attractive when giving orders so naturally he jumped at the chance to be closer with the man, he might be able to impress him if he tried hard enough! With Mabel’s help, he was positive he could. “Sure I’ll join the team!”

It wasn’t long after his answer did Kyrptos and Keyhole surround the higher-up and basically drag him to the front of the classroom, the winners were given free gatorades and won bragging rights, there was a very short lecture about staying determined and whatnot but he wasn’t paying much attention to it. He couldn’t keep his eyes off Bill and how he easily styled his hair back into it’s proper place. Dipper could feel himself gushing in his seat at all the thoughts flying in and out of his head, there was so much he had to tell Mabel about later today. 

And to his excitement, Bill continued to drop in his flight. Not everyday, or every other day, but enough times that Dipper genuinely looked forward to seeing the full head of soft blonde curls walk into the classroom. Whenever he looked back inside the cadet office, he could see Bill lounging behind the oak wood desk and chatting with someone, or relaxing and unwinding. The sharp line of his slack jaw was enough to keep Dipper dreaming for days, and with how well the uniforms he wore hugged him just the right way had the twin swooning. Since it wasn’t too far into the year, every cadet had to wear their blues- but all the officers and members of the drill team and P.T team had other uniforms, Dipper was dripping with curiosity to know what Bill looked like in those.Maybe if he got some of his own, he could impress the commander.

[monotype-on-phantom]

At long last, it’s time to talk about one of my favorite ghost characters. What I appreciate most about Clockwork is the level of sophistication and intelligence in his writing. I’ve complained about the writing in TUE plenty, but Clockwork is always spot on.

What I mean by this is that you couldn’t take Clockwork and plop him into another of Elmer’s cartoons. He’s not a completely serious character. He can crack jokes and has lighthearted moments. His writing just feels too mature for him to fit in something like, say, Fairly Odd Parents. To be frank, he’s even a bit more sophisticated than Danny Phantom itself usually is.

For all the grief I’ve given the writing in TUE, I have to applaud them for this. Writing omniscient characters is not easy, especially when they’re not a narrator.

We’re not supposed to know what Clockwork’s all about in the beginning. There are times when he seems caught off guard, or other times when it’s hard to tell what side he’s on. What is he planning the whole time? Does he want to ensure the awful future? Is he trying to help? What’s his deal? The more we see of him, the harder it can be to tell.

By the end of the episode, it’s made clear that Clockwork isn’t evil, but he’s not biased, either. As he explains to Danny in his analogy about parades, the Observants can only see one time line at a time. They watch the current path of time and come to Clockwork when they notice something wrong. On the other hand, Clockwork sees all possibilities. In the simplest terms, he always sees the bigger picture.

We don’t know what would happen if he did off Danny. We don’t get to see everything that Clockwork does. The only thing we do know is that he sees a better future for everyone if Danny’s able to make the right choice. He interferes with the events that happen, guiding things down a path that will ultimately be better for everyone.

This is also not unusual for him. Dan mentions that he’s meddled before. We see him destroy Fentonworks in the opening scene, likely killing Valerie and Damon. Later in the episode, Fentonworks is still standing and Dan takes it down with his wail. This could be a mistake, but you could also read it as one time Clockwork stepped in. Dan’s been active for only ten years at that point, yet he’s familiar enough with Clockwork to know how to work his medallions.

It’s not too hard to infer that Valerie has probably died many times before, and Clockwork has had to step in to prevent things from getting worse. However, he doesn’t get really involved until he has no other choice. The Observants come to him to demand he prevent this future, and so he does. He just does it in his own way.

I love Danny, and I’ll normally defend him with my life. But while he’s a smart kid, he’s still only fourteen. His reaction upon seeing his future is to get excited about how cool the Ghostly Wail is.

Even Sam and Tucker struggle to see how serious this is. Sam only calls Dan “a jerk” and assumes Clockwork is a bad guy. Tucker cracks jokes about not wanting to take the CAT if this is the future.

They’re mature kids, but they’re still kids.

So Clockwork forces Danny to flee to his own future. He has to face all the horrible things that happened. He learns about the deaths of his loved ones. He sees what’s happened to Valerie and to several of the ghosts. He meets a broken, hopeless Vlad.

After all that, he vows to never become Dan. He’s able to defeat him one on one, and by that point, he may have already changed the future enough. He was unable to save his family and friends on his own, though. He tried his best, but the explosion still happens.

Only then does Clockwork step in.

It’s been rough. Danny’s been through and seen a lot of things. It sucks, but he’s grown and learned a lot. He knows the weight his decisions can have. He understands what that future meant for everyone around him, and why he needs to make the right choice in this situation.

But Clockwork doesn’t reprimand him. Heck, instead, he actually points out how Danny has proved himself. He seems proud of the fact that he did everything he could to protect those he loves. He fought as hard as he could against his own future, and proved that he can change it. The only reason he didn’t was because he didn’t know better and couldn’t do it alone.

So Clockwork gives him the second chance he needs to set everything right. The words he uses are simple, but comforting after everything Danny had been through. This changed him, and not only in good ways, but he also knows he has the power to shape his own future. It’s not carved in stone, and it’s not determined by a single test. It’s determined by his own choices.

And in order for all this to happen, Clockwork was prepared from the start to take responsibility for both Danny and Dan. He knew how everything was going to play out, and as long as it’s for the best, he’s alright with that.

That doesn’t mean he’s an ally in the same way someone like Wulf is, though.

Wulf’s feelings toward Danny are biased. In the beginning, he was willing to kill Danny if that’s what Walker demanded. He’s pure hearted, and befriended Danny quickly. That wasn’t because Wulf is necessarily good, though. He’s not bad, but his friendship with Danny is because Danny helped him. If he were to ask Wulf to do something wrong, he would. He’s Danny’s friend, not an ally for the greater good or anything.

Clockwork isn’t going to do something because Danny asks him to. It might be what he wants, but Clockwork only gets involved when it’s necessary, not when people ask him to. Not even his own “employers” can tell him what to do.

Danny comes to him because his friends’ lives are in danger. He thinks that if he goes back in time and prevents the accident that gave Vlad his powers, he can prevent this future. Clockwork knows messing with time isn’t that simple. It can have drastic consequences, especially when you don’t know what you’re doing.

Still, he’s got a soft side to him, and in the end he does help Danny find the solution he needs. He just takes the time to teach Danny a lesson about not relying on time travel to solve his problems first.

I stand by the fact that Clockwork is not and never has been a villain. He does play the part in TUE at times, because that’s what’s needed. His plans are always to try and lead things down the best possible path. He can’t stop all disasters. That’s not what his job is. He does care enough to do what he can, though.

And that’s what I mean when I say Clockwork’s writing is intelligent and mature. He’s a character that’s specifically written to be unbiased, but still good. He knows everything, and you have to be able to trust his judgment.

[oumakokichi]

I feel like Saihara won't be well-received in English fandom. For obvious reasons, but because he's, as you say, a character who's weak and needs to rely on others constantly. Needing help sometimes is okay, but a character who always needs other more competent people to help them and who never gives back can be frustrating. Thoughts?

I think Saihara will be slightly more popular with thewestern fanbase once the localization is out, but mainly due to the fact thatthere will be less misinformation going around. A lot of the reasons I’ve seenpeople have for hating Saihara stem from wrongful assumptions that he’s a “Naegi/Hinataclone” even when he’s… fairly dissimilar from both of them, really.

I do agree that Saihara will probably never be as popular inthe west as he is in Japan, though. Personally, I like Saihara quite a lot as aprotag. Out of all the protagonists, he’s my second-favorite, with only Hinataranking higher. But I think his popularity will always be somewhat stinted bythe bait-and-switch with Kaede, which left a lot of people with a negativeimpression from the start (even though the bait-and-switch was more the faultof Kodaka as a writer, rather than Saihara’s fault).

I also think the western fanbase by and large simply prefersthe shounen protagonist archetype more. Characters like Saihara, who are weak,anxious, and dependent, are often harshly seen as “annoying” or “pathetic.”Saihara is by no means a self-insert protagonist, and he’s not supposed to be—butmore often than not, people playing a visual novel (and Danganronpa is prettymuch a visual novel with extra gameplay elements, as Kodaka has said severaltimes himself) mistake anyprotagonist for a self-insert protagonist.

Playing as a weak, cowardly, or hesitant protagonist causesmany people to reflect on the weaker, worse characteristics of themselves, andusually means they have a harder time warming up to the character than if theyexhibited traits that are seen as universally positive, like bravery, charisma,extroversion, etc.

However, it’s precisely because of Saihara’s flaws as acharacter that I’ve come to love him. For me, personally, Saihara is arguablythe most relatable out of all the protagonists—because I too know what it’slike to struggle with issues of dependency and questioning my own judgment. Assalty as I still am about the bait-and-switch, and as much as I resent a femalecharacter being fridged off for a male character’s development so early intothe game, I simply can’t deny the fact that from a thematic standpoint, Saiharais the most fitting protagonist for agame like ndrv3.

Ndrv3 is a game that challenges not only the characterswithin it but even the player themselves to constantly reevaluate theirassumptions and worldview. Because of its inherent focus on truth vs. lies,where to draw the line between those two things, and which one of the two ismore “correct,” there’s a constant sense of uncertainty throughout the entiregame. The prologue is uncertain. The epilogue is uncertain. The validity ofeverything that was said in the final trial, of the characters’ memories andtalents and backstories, of our judgment as the player in past cases, is allcalled into question.

We, as players, are tasked with solving the mystery forourselves, going back over the game and picking up on the clues andforeshadowing that Kodaka left, and trying to come up with our own theories. Ndrv3is all about the mystery genre, not only from the perspective of individualmurder cases in each trial but with the entire state of the outside world, thekilling game show, and even the characters themselves.

Therefore, the protagonist being a detective makes perfectsense. Saihara is a detective whose job by definition is to find and expose thetruth, but whose past experiences have left him traumatized by that. More thananyone, Saihara understands that the truth is painful and can be used as aweapon; he feels that he singlehandedly ruined a man’s life all because hesolved a case by accident. And yet, as a detective, he still has a naturalcuriosity that causes him to subconsciously seek these things out. He’s afraidof repeating past mistakes, and yet he can’t quite let the truth go.

This is an intentional allusion to the role of a detectivein any mystery novel: more than once, it’s been lampshaded that “the detective issomeone who brings disaster with them wherever they go.” No matter where adetective goes, a case (usually a murder, specifically) is sure to follow. Thisrole is something we’ve seen Kirigiri embrace as an inherent part of who she isin dr1 after struggling to find her memories and her purpose, but with Saihara,it’s much, much harder for him to come to terms with it. A detective who isafraid of the truth already fails to meet the criteria of a “real detective”from the start, in his opinion—and it is fascinatingto see him struggle to trust in his own intuition and abilities despite hatinghimself so much.

Saihara is certainly weak and dependent—but I’m not really surewhere you got the “never gives back” part from. Even though Saihara doubtshimself often and feels as though he’s a subpar detective and hardly qualifiedfor the job, the rest of the characters constantlyrely on him. If anything, they become over-reliant on him as a detective, somuch so to the point where it’s actually lampshaded in-game and they’re calledout on not wanting to think for themselves.

Starting with Chapter 2 and culminating perhaps with Chapters4 and 5, the characters, hell, even Monokuma, all assume that because Saiharais there “they don’t really have to solve the mystery for themselves.” This isa criticism I often see from mystery authors to their readers: the assumptionfrom people that all the answers are going to be handed out on a silver platterwithout any need to think or theorize or even try to solve the mysterythemselves first is often frustrating and discouraging to writers. And I suspectit was no accident that this sort of mindset gets deliberately addressed assomething negative throughout the course of ndrv3.

Momota and all the rest of the cast rely on Saihara to solvethe mysteries for them for most of the game, rather than attempting to dothings themselves. Rather than trusting Saihara himself, per se, it’s becausethey trust his talent, as a detective. They rely on his intuition and abilitiesso much that he actually begins becoming a little uncomfortable with ithimself.

And in Chapter 5, when at a loss for what to do because evenhe doesn’t know the answers to the case, Monokuma decides to rely exclusivelyon Saihara’s reasoning as a “SHSL Detective,” and even announces so point-blankduring the trial. When Momota attempts to keep carrying on Ouma’s bluff despitethe fact that Saihara did theorize the answer correctly, Monokuma says he’s notworried, because he’s sure that a SHSL Detective’s reasoning won’t lead himastray.

Saihara is, as Momota himself points out in the Chapter 5post-trial, “the one who was saving everyone’s asses.” More often than not, hewas one of the main figures in the group keeping everyone alive, working tosolve things when absolutely no one else was really putting much thought intothings—because they all assumed that Saihara would do it for them. To say thathe “never gives anything back” makes no sense, because in fact, it’s the factthat so much is expected from him and that he’s been thrust into such anunwanted leadership role that makes Saihara so uncomfortable and such ananxious wreck.

Certainly, having a protagonist who is weak, timid, anxious,and dependent on others can be frustrating—moreso if those things are neveraddressed within the narrative or characters constantly come to the protagonist’srescue without ever addressing the fact that they aren’t doing things forthemselves. But this isn’t the case with Saihara. Most, if not all the characters address Saihara’sweaknesses in one way or another. Many of them, like Kaede, Momota, and Ouma,work to help push Saihara out of his shell of hesitation and uncertainty.

In my opinion, having a character without any flaws at allwould be far more frustrating. A character with no flaws means there’s no roomfor development or improvement—which is, frankly… pretty boring. And there aremany, many stories in which the protagonist is often a reckless, headstrong,fun-loving person who relies on cooperation and the power of friendship tochange things (such as, most shounen stories). These archetypes can be well-written,but my point is that they’ve been done often.

It’s far rarer to see a protagonist like Saihara whose entirepoint is that he was deliberately made to be “weaker than anyone.” Tsumugi andTeam DR didn’t expect him to gradually come out of his shell, to make evensmall and timid attempts at being braver or more forthright; they expected hisfear of the truth to keep him immobilized forever, always weak, always unable tomove past his uncertainty.

But Saihara doesdevelop. He changes, he improves—and he, of course, messes up along the way. Hisimprovements don’t mean that his anxiety or depression or suicidal thoughts aremagically “cured”—and as someone who has struggled with anxiety and depressionmyself, I can appreciate that, because it’s realistic. Those things never justmagically go away or stop being a thing, but it’s important to know that it ispossible to keep going in life, to keep taking even one step forward even whenyou were already inclined to give up on life—and that’s a lesson Saihara andthe other survivors learn from Kiibo by the end of Chapter 6.

Expecting every protagonist to be extroverted, brave,self-sacrificing, or to have a positive, take-charge attitude is, in myopinion, fairly unrealistic. Stories remain diverse and interesting when theircharacters are equally diverse. And considering how many characters step into the literal protagonist role in ndrv3,including not only Kaede and Kiibo but also Himiko and Maki briefly during theChapter 6 trial, and arguably Momota too if you consider that he always callshimself “the protagonist,” I would say one of the underlying themes of ndrv3 isthat “everyone is the protagonist of their own story.”

There’s no reason at all why weaker characters can’t also bea protagonist. There’s no definition stating that a protagonist has to beself-reliant or strong. Having a protagonist who not only relies on others butneeds to do so because otherwise they would be inclined to give up is arefreshing change from the norm, in my opinion. Perhaps some people might thinkof it as frustrating, which I can understand—but to me it seems incrediblyhuman, and a reminder that characters don’t have to be the strongest or thebravest necessarily to still be interesting and compelling.

Saihara probably won’t be incredibly popular in the westernfanbase even after the English localization hits, as you said. But I do wishpeople would give him more of a fair chance in his own right. He’s flawed, butthose flaws are precisely the reason he’s able to reach a different sort ofanswer than the standard “hope vs. despair” dichotomy by the end of Chapter 6. Saihara isweak, it’s true, but he’s also thoughtful, generous, and deeply compassionate.The reason that he’s so afraid of exposing the truth is because he knows howmuch it can be used to hurt others—and that knowledge is an essential part ofwhy he comes to accept lies later on too.

The understanding that gentle lies are a kind of “magic” intheir own right, something used to cope with a harsh world in order to moveforward, is one of the most centralthemes in all of ndrv3. And Saihara is one of the few protagonists capable ofreaching that understanding because of how weak he is, not in spite of it.

This is my opinion on it, of course. I’ve written quite alot of meta on why I personally like Saihara as a character, so even if henever quite becomes popular in the western fanbase, I’m okay with that—I’llstill always love him quite a lot myself. I hope this answers your question,anon!

[looselucy]

January 1st

50 Waking up to see Harry’s living room rather than Harry’s face created an unsettling feeling in the pit of my stomach, instinctively tugging the throw up a little higher, feeling cold, alone. The smell of booze wafted and clung against my nostrils, and it made me feel sick. Maybe it wasn’t entirely down to that, but it was certainly easy to blame that, rather than the true reason that I could feel my insides curdling. I tried my best not to think about what had happened the night before. The memory shot into my mind as soon as my eyes opened, but I didn’t want it to be there. I was trying my hardest to think of something else, anything else, but I couldn’t.

It must have been an hour after I’d stormed downstairs and thrown myself onto his sofa when I heard him screaming. It felt like I’d only just stopped weeping, and then it started once again when I heard his cries. I think maybe I was waiting for them. Maybe that was why I hadn’t let myself fall asleep, no matter how much exhaustion my emotions had forced on me. I’d rushed upstairs, and let myself back into his room, still sobbing loudly as I moved to his side of the bed, leaning over so my face was close to his. His tears were thicker than usual, swimming from his eyes, the sheets around him damp, drenched with sweat. “I’m still here.” I whispered, stroking my hand down his cheek. “I’m still here for you.” My voice had calmed him almost instantly, unlike every other night. It usually took more than gentle touches, it usually took harsh hits and screaming before he would calm, but that night, the soothing sound of my hushed voice, and my fingers on his cheek, had been enough. Almost like, even after everything, he knew I’d be there for him. His screams began to die out, his chest pushing upwards, and his hands letting loose their clutch on his bedsheets. His eyes opened slowly, and he totally stilled when he saw my face, a calmness washing him, my presence forcing a deep breath to push from within him. I didn’t move my hand from his cheek until I knew that his breathing was more or less as it should be, his blinks drawn out. He had that look in his eyes, one it felt like I’d seen a thousand times, like I was a vision to him. “Ren,” He spoke. “You’re here.” “Are you okay?” I’d asked. “Yeah. I-I’m fine.” “Will you be okay if I go back downstairs?” I asked, my body tensing as he wiped a tear from my eye. “I don’t know… I… Yeah. I’ll be fine, I’m sorry. Thank you.” I nodded, and it felt completely foreign to part from him without kissing him, but I did. I despised how everything had unfolded between us that night. I wished he had explained to me earlier on that he was a virgin, because maybe things would have been different. I knew there had been points where I’d cut him off, where I had stopped him talking when I shouldn’t have, thinking he was just going to question the sanity of our plan, but we both knew he should have dropped that bomb a long time before he actually did. It shouldn’t have been that way. It shouldn’t have played out like it did. So many things felt wrong about what had happened the night previous, and that’s why I felt so sick. It was everything. But the main thing that kept running through my mind, was that Harry had waited 23 years to find the right person, and I wasn’t that. He’d merely been carried away in the moment, carried away by my words. I wasn’t the person for him. I wasn’t the special girl he had been waiting for. That’s why it couldn’t happen. That was why I had to leave. I found myself toying with the necklace he had bought me, twisting it between my finger and my thumb, staring off into nothing. I’d been worried what our morning would be like after we’d slept with one another, but this was far worse than that scenario. I was dreading what would happen once he’d woken, what we would have to say to one another. I felt like I’d handled things so terribly the night before, and I couldn’t guarantee that I wouldn’t handle things just as terribly when I saw him again. But this wasn’t something I was accustom to. I wasn’t used to those feelings, or that kind of situation. Who the fuck would be? Not a single part of the story we’d written together was simple, and for that reason I was left struggling with the next plot point. I couldn’t predict our future. I’d simplified it at one point, pretending that I could etch in a friendship onto our pages, write our story as a simple alliance, but that was before I truly kissed him. That was before I’d told him how much I wanted him, before he’d said how much he wanted me, both in the same way and in a completely different way, a way I hadn’t even considered. It continued to cross my mind that some stories are better left unwritten, some books are better left unprinted, some pages are better left unturned. My heart was in my throat when I heard footsteps, thud after thud in quick succession, forcing me to chuck the blanket away and jump to my feet. Harry’s mother appeared a few seconds later, automatically puzzled by the frantic guise that must have been clinging to my entire frame. “Morning.” She greeted. “Morning.” I replied breathlessly. Her eyes flitted down to her right, looking at the disheveled throw on the sofa, probably taking note of my tattered hair as I tried to flatten it out, only making myself more obvious. When she looked back to me, her eyes were cynical. “Time for a brew then, is it?” She raised her brows. “I’m practically pining for one.” I shuddered. Harry himself had told me that the comforting effects of a cup of tea were far more lasting than that of a cup of coffee, and I really wanted him to be right. I wanted the tea to decrease the lump in my throat, to make sure it withered away. I wanted the tea to work in the way that he told me it would. I followed her round into the kitchen. She filled the kettle, and kept shooting her eyes at me, trying to gage me. I didn’t even know where to begin. I couldn’t tell her the real reason behind my tired eyes, my wounded undertone. I couldn’t tell her the truth, because it would bring out so many more questions. Questions I couldn’t answer. Questions that would ruin this entire thing, and we’d just reached the end. I didn’t want to fuck it up. “So you slept on the sofa.” She stated, clicking the kettle on. “Yeah.” I sat down at their dining table, looking towards the wood. “And why’s that?” “We had a bit of a fall out.” “Is it fixable?” I really hoped it was. I really hoped that me and Harry could find some kind of common ground, that we could figure out this mess that we’d somehow found ourselves in. Everything seemed so simple the day before. I’d ruined it. It wasn’t even down to Harry. It was my fault. It was me who had been so forward with him. If I knew the truth I wouldn’t have acted that way, I wouldn’t have even dreamed of it. We’d both been so vulnerable, for entirely different reasons. But I was placing the blame on myself. “I think so.” I mumbled. “Then fix it.” She told me. “I’ve never seen my son so happy, and that’s saying something, because he’s an incredibly happy person. You just bring something extra out of him.” I’d never fully appreciated how simple things were when me and Harry were faking our romance, because this conversation wouldn’t be happening for one. We could have pretended to be two fools in love and it would have been easy. Real emotions had tangled complications and pain into the situation, and what was once relatively easy to fake now felt like a bare faced lie. I didn’t want to lie to her. “I think very, very highly of your son.” I swallowed. “I think he deserves the very best. I think he deserves someone who mirrors how wonderful he is. He deserves the world, and I can only give him me. Does that make sense?” “And what’s so bad about you, Florence?” I didn’t know how the hell to answer that, so I just shut myself up. In all my time spent with Harry, every question had reached the same conclusion, he was more or less faultless. Everything about him was perfect, and he deserved the same. Harry needed someone in his life who could echo that, someone who was immaculate and wonderful and could give him everything he deserved. I hadn’t even given myself the option, to feel for Harry in the way he was claiming to feel for me, because it was unfathomable, so preposterous. We weren’t well suited, as far as I could see. The way we had been acting, with our kisses and our touches and our kind words, the way we had managed to help one another with personal things, had fooled Harry into thinking that what we had been doing might have been real. There was no other explanation. “I don’t know.” I finally breathed. “I don’t know either.” She shrugged. “I can’t see anything.” “But-” “You can’t make up his mind for him, Ren.” She sighed. “You’re his girlfriend! And last night, he told me that he thinks you’re too good for him, so maybe you’re both as dumb as each other.” Although I hadn’t heard anything, I watched her as her eyes darted so they were facing down the corridor, but my back was turned to it, so I couldn’t see exactly what I had caused her to stiffen. It wasn’t difficult to guess though. “Morning, Love.” She smiled. “Morning.” His voice sent an army of shivers marching over my skin, my eyes closing to hold back tears, my lonesome fingertips pulling on the material of my dress. It wasn’t just the fact that there was a sorrow that was wrapped around his voice, but it was his voice in general. So deep, so enticing. I had loved hearing his little moans and his whimpers the evening before, proving that it wasn’t just his words that sounded striking, but it was every single noise that he could craft. “I’m gunna nip out and get some stuff to eat.” She rushed to the point of her exit. “Do either of you want anything specific?” “No it’s fine.” Harry replied. “Thanks.” She might as well have ran out of the room, and bless her for trying to help us rekindle, but her efforts only enhanced our uncomfortable ambiance. The front door shut, and silence circled between us, Harry preparing the two cups of tea his mother had swiftly abandoned. I still hadn’t raised my eyes to him. I wasn’t sure I could stomach it. I had so many questions, so many things I wanted to say at the same time feeling like I had absolutely nothing I could utter that would ease this. I didn’t know the words that would heal the wounds we had created, and it stung. When the brews were ready, he carried them over, placing them down and then taking the seat directly across from me. I had to look at him then. His hair seemed even curlier than usual, perfect ringlets drooping downwards. His body was on show, and I realised quickly that my eyes may never be innocent to him again. It wasn’t likely that I could just see him bare and find it normal. I was beyond attracted to him, and the sexual way in which I had stared at him the night before, was likely going to stick. I was seeing him in a different light. I took the plunge. “I’m sorry about last night.” I rushed, dropping my eyes again. “If I had known… I wouldn’t have been so forward and… I… I’m sorry.” “Okay.” He drawled. “And it was a lot to take in, and I just needed some time to myself. I didn’t want to upset you, Harry. I… I hated leaving you but-” “You don’t owe me anything, Ren.” He cut my rambling short. “I do find it easier when you’re there but… that doesn’t mean I’m… entitled to you. I was being selfish, I’m sorry.” We had both been a little selfish, but I was the one who could walk away from the situation. I was the one who finalised it. Harry would have benefitted from my company, but I needed space. It dawned on me within minutes that it wasn’t even really down to the fact he’d told me he was a virgin, but more down to the feelings he’d admitted he had. He’d told me he wanted to share his first time with someone special, but we hadn’t even had the chance to talk, he hadn’t even told me of his emotions until afterwards. How could I take something from him that he’d cherished for his 23 years, and use it for what I predicted to be a one night stand? It wasn’t right. “I’m sorry I didn’t say something sooner.” He swallowed. “I’m sorry I didn’t let you talk.” I half chuckled. “I told you I’m pretty forward once I’ve got my eyes set on someone.” “Shame you didn’t bless me with any of your famous innuendos.” He smiled. “I… I guess I didn’t feel the need to… fake anything with you.” His face dropped when I said that, and I hated myself for the way I had worded it. Because I had been faking. So many of the tender moments we’d shared had been fucking fake, and we’d tainted the few that weren’t. But that was the truth. When I met boys in bars, I forced myself to make jokes, be witty, to let them think I was desirable. I’d been so forward with Harry because I really wanted him, like really fucking wanted him. I didn’t feel the need to be fake with him because it was Harry, and I knew Harry, and I trusted him and I knew we were friends, I knew I didn’t need to impress him. “Ren,” He spoke eventually. “I… I don’t think I’ve been faking it for a while now.” I wondered when it had clicked for him. It had taken his tongue pressing against mine for me to realise that there were a few desires I had been burying, but for Harry it was something else, and it was sooner. I wondered which kiss had been the first that he had classed as real. We’d got off on a relatively good foot, apologising and making exceedingly light jokes, but I could tell things were about to take a turn. “Harry, I didn’t know that.” I gulped. “If I had known that I wouldn’t have… I just… I feel like I’ve lead you on, and I’m sorry.” He creased his nose and stared down to his hand, his fingers progressively tightening around the handle of his mug. I’d hurt him again, without even meaning to. I just wanted to be honest with him, to explain where my head was. I didn’t want to hurt him. I didn’t want to be the reason I could see his skin crawling, or the reason that the crease between his brows was so imprinted and strong, making his ache visible. I didn’t want to cause that. Ever. He nodded, and swallowed, his throat hitching. I picked up my drink and took a large swig, praying once again that his words about tea were true. I was trembling, and it was the only option I had. Nothing else was going to ease me through that conversation. “Can I ask you something?” His voice was so quiet, and he couldn’t look at me. There was no getting rid of the look of anguish on his face, and I knew that if anything, it was just going to get worse. “Yeah.” I whispered. “If… If I had told you sooner… If I had mentioned it before and then I asked you to… to be my first… Would you have said yes?” I was hoping that after talking things through with him that my stomach would stop curdling. I was hoping that we’d be able to just forget the night before and everything would be okay. My wishful thinking had been extravagant, but even my worst thoughts of how this would go hadn’t conjured up that question. “I… I don’t think so, no.” I answered. “Okay.” He huffed from his nostrils. “Why?” “Because… it clearly means a lot to you, and you deserve to share that with someone who means just as much.” “Ren-” “I just don’t think it would have been right for you.” “That’s not your call to make!” His voice raised with his head. “I’d be the one you were sleeping with, Harry! I think that means I’d be playing a pretty important role.” I became irked alongside him. “But it’s a big thing for me! You think that you would have said no for my sake, but you don’t know what I need. I should get to choose who I do it with, and I chose you!” “Har-” “And you can’t say you would have said no regardless, because you weren’t saying no last night.” I gripped my eyes shut again, my bottom lip wobbling. I’d never been in a situation like that, not even anything similar. I didn’t have any frame of reference, nothing to go off, nothing to guide me. I was completely losing myself, and Harry was too. “Harry, I realise that it’s a big deal for you, and that’s the reason I would have, and should have said no. You need to do that with someone who’s truly special to you.” “You don’t get to decide how important you are to me!” “I know, Harry, but you’re not-” I stopped myself, because what I was about to say was me snapping rather than being honest, and even though it had been painful, my honesty was the only thing getting me through the situation. “I hope you weren’t just about to say that I’m not important to you, because that’s a fucking lie.” He hissed. “Harry you’re very important to me.” I bit, quickly. “So important to me that I refuse to… I refuse to do something if I think you’ll regret it down the line.” We’d gotten so carried away over our time together, kissing and holding one another even when there was no one there to impress. Harry had been carried much further than I had, yet I knew that in January when we parted ways, if it had happened, it wouldn’t take long for Harry to unpick himself from our fabrications and realise that I was not the person he should have lost his virginity to. We hadn’t just fooled our families, we had fooled ourselves. Harry finally raised his mug to his lips, shaking his head, but I think he was finally accepting the points I was making. I had a headache so bulbous that I almost felt like I needed to go back to sleep. I felt truly atrocious. I might as well have carried on drinking the night before, it would have saved a hell of a lot of trouble and the feeling in my head and in my stomach would be exactly the same. Maybe not quite as bad. “You’ve spoke to Dr Jackson about it, right?” “About what?” He scowled. “About the fact you’re a virgin.” I shuddered. “You’re kidding, right?” He confounded. “What?” “Y’know how many women I could have slept with if I wanted to? But I didn’t, because I didn’t want to. Being a virgin isn’t a fault, Ren, it’s a choice.” I felt like an idiot as soon as he said that. I shouldn’t have been taking into consideration his age, or his gender. If he wanted to wait to do it properly then that was absolutely fine and I shouldn’t have managed to convince myself that it was somehow a burden to him. I’d completely understood his reasons behind saving himself for the right person, and I hated myself for linking it with his dreams and clasping onto the idea that I might still be able to help him. “You’re right, I’m sorry.” I shuddered. “I think I’m just… reaching out for anything to try and… find an explanation for your dreams. That was stupid. I’m sorry.” I hadn’t known what Harry looked like when he scowled until that morning, and I wished it was something I was still unaware of. Even when we’d dealt with his uncle the evening before, his face hadn’t looked quite like that. “I feel like you pity me.” He spat. “I don’t pity you!” I frowned. “If anything I respect you. If anything I’m fucking jealous. My first time was so horrible and I hate myself for it. It still bothers me.” If I could have gone back and stopped my 15-year-old self from sleeping with a disgusting 18 year old who had lured me in with his false promises and his condescending nature, I would have done it in a heartbeat. I would save anyone from that kind of horror and self-loathing if I could. “Fuck, Ren.” He ran his hand through his hair. “Do you really think that I’d feel that way if I slept with you?” “I think you’ve just… lost yourself in this. I think you’re just so wrapped up in this plan and this… fake relationship that you’re convinced that I’m the right person for you when I’m not.” “For fuck sake.” He slammed his hand on the table before rising to his feet. “I wish you could just see how amazing you are. I wish you could just see yourself how I see you.” “It’s nothing to do with that, Harry!” “It’s everything to do with that!” He bickered. “Okay so… So maybe it’s fine that you don’t want to sleep with me, but you can’t even accept the fact that I like you.” “Harry, please-” “I like you, Ren!” He yelled. “I really fucking like you. Everything about you. And it’s fuck all to do with this fucking arrangement, it’s you!” A huge part of me wanted to leave the room. A huge part of me wanted to remove myself from the situation, but I’d already done that once and it hadn’t helped me. It was just hearing those words, for some reason it made me feel like there was bile rising through my throat. His words made me feel like I wanted to burst into tears yet again. I had nothing to say to him, nothing to say for myself. I just wanted to run from everything, to block it all from my head and pretend that I was still blissfully unaware of the hidden depth of our situation. His chest was pulsing as he glared down to me, waiting for me to say something. Our silence felt eternal. “Harry… I think it would be for the best if we don’t stay in touch.” I thought I could hear my heart shattering. “I think now that we’re going home… maybe we should just… draw a line under this.” He marched around to my side of the table, dragging the chair beside me so it scraped loudly across the floor and sat himself down, leaning close to me, so close I could now feel the heat of his breath. Yet again I’d found I couldn’t look him in the eye. He sat there staring at me, like he was waiting for me to raise my eyes to his. I couldn’t. “Why would we do that when neither of us want to, Ren?” He choked. “Because it’s the sensible thing to do.” He grabbed at my hand, and I was surprised when I didn’t automatically yank it back so it was in my own possession. He took my hand and he kept hold of it, like in a way, it was his. And in a way, it felt like it was. As his fingers toyed and played with my own, his thumb rubbing over my skin like he was still just crying for me to look at him, the only thing that made me feel uncomfortable was how sickeningly right it felt having him touch me so tenderly. “Please don’t deprive me of those sunflowers.” His voice was breaking. “Please don’t deprive me of you, of us. I’ve never felt anything like this, Ren. I don’t want to lose it, not when I know you feel something too. I know you do. You can’t tell me I’m wrong, can you?” My entire body started shaking, because I could tell that my reluctance was hurting him, truly hurting him, tearing him down and making him question the one instance he’d had where he felt like he might have found someone special enough to share himself with. I knew those feelings would pass. I knew in a few weeks time when he was home, when the memory of us was covered in dust, he would realise how false his feelings were. But in that moment, he had no clue. His pain was real, and apparent. I finally turned to face him, opening my mouth to answer him when he threw his head forwards, and settled his lips against mine. I found it impossible not to return the embrace, subconsciously easing my lips to his, breathing out this sigh because his lips were a realm I was all too familiar with. Even when our mouths widened, and he swept his tongue against mine for a brief moment, nothing felt strange, or off. He pulled away, once again searching for my eyes, but I looked down almost immediately, his glittering green bulbs too pure for my cold intentions. “Harry, will you do something for me, please?” I swallowed. “What?” “Will you… let someone else see your dreams? Will you… let someone else comfort you? I know you think there’s something special about me, and about my eyes, but… If you’ve never let anyone else comfort you, how do you know it’s me that helps? Anyone could help. You’re just convinced it’s me because I’m the only one who’s ever been there.” He dropped my hand in an instant, and wiped the back of his hand over his eye. I hadn’t been able to see, because I still hadn’t lifted my eyes to view him fully, but there was a chance that he’d let a single tear fall, and hurried to wipe it away. He got back to his feet, beginning to storm out of the room. “I guess that’s my fucking answer.” He huffed over his shoulder. “Way to tell me I’m wrong without fucking saying it. I’m going to pack.” The thought of going home left me feeling dazed. In that moment, I wanted nothing more than to be at home, to wrap myself in a blanket and to lock myself away from world for a while. But going home also meant that my time with Harry truly had come to an end, and a bitter end at that. I’d wanted a friendship. I had wanted us to be able to look back on this whole thing and laugh about it. Every shred of humour that our affair had once held was now completely void. Every innocence and good intention was now beaten, shattered, and acidic. And I was retching on the poison we had forged.

[todaydreambelieversfic]

AUTHOR SPOTLIGHT: Damn Pene day 1

Otherwise known as: hey that’s me! @damnpene

DAY 1: Meet the author

Why Klaine?

I’ve fandommed on and off since 1999. Although romance is my thing, I was never a big shipper. I could always imagine my favourite character (Willow, Buffy Scully, CJ, Aeryn) in a happilyeverafter with someone else. But Klaine was different. They’re definitely the couple I have invested the most in, the most words and the most thought and the most heart and the most hope that after next week’s episode I would still be able to imagine them happy..

There are broad reasons I fell for Klaine: queer canon couples work well for me. They get to actually be queer on screen in all the ways that makes a person who they are. By which I mean they suffer and are brave and are silly and mess with gender expectations in ways that are visible and true to queer experience. I get to watch them be wary of love and learn to trust in ways that are particular to queer experience. Also I don’t get teased by the showrunners and am not taking away a precious friendship from the story. I am shown the imperfections and perfections in their romance so clearly when it’s acted for me.

There’s the personal reasons. At the time I first watched Glee (way way after the beginning) I was pretty miserable, my second kid was amazing but tough work for me emotionally, was often sick and I was always exhausted. So I went back to fic.

Also the actors are fine fine actors and that is essential.

But Klaine specifically.

I turned on the tv and Glease was playing. A re-run. I’d never seen Blaine, I’d seen Kurt for a moment years before. But their tiny faces when they looked across that busy room, the way they held their bodies and their stillness told the story. The actors were doing something amazing and I believed every second of their heartbreak and love. I wanted to read reunion fic but didn’t find the story I wanted, not exactly, though there were amazing things. So I had to write it. I knew no one in the fandom. But everything magically appeared - their future, the way I wanted them to reconnect and I couldn’t stop writing it.

What’s in a typical damnpene story?

Oh I like to set a scene. Boy do the scenes start with something scene-y. I tend to want to place the reader right in the story with the characters so you’ll always see and hear the tiny things around them. With Kurt that’s often detailed, outfit based quickness and wit alongside sensitivity, carefulness, quirkiness with a bit of drama. With Blaine that’s sincerity, a warm way of looking at things, looking to others, big drama, and sweeping heartfelt emotional responses.

I always ensure there are levels of friendship and work and play and building something beyond a romance. For Kurt that tends to be some combination of Mercedes (LOVE HER) and sometimes Rachel or Adam or Elliot, with clothing and design and pioneering work as an actor or musician and for Blaine it’s Sam and sometimes any number of the newer characters and big group fun and popular work in music and being an adored star. I mean, I’m simplifying...

Um there are bad things I do but I won’t point them out. I change the rhythm of sentences a lot. I break up dialogue. I make them look at the view a lot. I have them kiss the closest part of one another or link pinkies or smile while they kiss or all sorts of things that repeat (I love that stuff)

Also they are both as in love as the other.

What kind of stories do you write?

Fluff? Not really, no. I avoid children and mostly have avoided pets save a cranky cat I think. I write domesticity as partly an irritation as two people work out how to grow and fit together. I mean I write happy romances but not fluff.

Angst? Only… well people say there’s angst and I do write longing sometimes, and Finn died so I’ve written parts that were hard. I wouldn’t call it angst but it might be… a bit. But I used to write real angst, you know, the long term heartbreaking hurtful relationships that will never get better and are always poetically heading for an ending. My Klaine is about healthy change and growth and real life struggles that never drown the love.

Sex? I do. I’m not a natural sex writer but honestly it’s clear to me that Kurt and Blaine are seriously enjoying their sex lives and it’s important to most of my stories that they connect on every level that’s important to them.

Have you ever written anything way outside your usual wheelhouse?

Oh gosh yes the little D/s AU series I wrote! It’s called Imperfections and. Oh my. That is so far from anything I usually write. It’s intense and basically all sex and toys and interpersonal power play. Man is that not my wheelhouse.

Do you write AUs or fic that’s consistent with canon? BOTH! Most of my stories are things that I think could be future canon. And there are a bunch of post-ep shorter fics that definitely fall in canon. But there’s also at least one serious AU in there, where Kurt is a young widowed hermit in a snowbound cabin (There’s No Such Place) and Blaine is a younger guy in a not great relationship. Oh and another where they’re neighbours (Five Ways to Survive a BreakUp) and one more where they meet at the Tonys (Who we Want to Be) and one tiny thing where they’re spies in a boat (Princess Grace)

What do you like about your writing?

Okay. Tough. Who wrote these questions.

I like that I write Klaine as friends who like one another and are kind to one another. And they long for one another and balance one another and make the world better for one another too.

I like that it’s usually all about the love but they have so much outside that romance. I feel like they get to be healthy grown-ups with jobs and worries and great big joys.

They don’t need to have everything perfect. They can be oblivious or needy or weak or not meet one another’s needs. But the love is enough, or even if it’s not enough it’s…. An important part of their lives.

I like that I put little thoughtful moments in amongst the actions, to recognise how Finn is part of their relationship or how Kurt needs to be wary or how Blaine needs to be sure of everyone’s love.

I like that I can say a lot in not too many words. Which I’m disproving here ;)