#oc zizi | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

moghraidhs · 22 days ago

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wheel of time zizibenny be upon ye ;) couldn't have done this without some enabling so thank you killy!! i had a blast with this

enjoy :))

They're talking about her again.

Zizi can't hear them, but she can see them. The novices, whispering behind their hands. The sisters, from her own ajah and others, watching her with drawn brows and narrowed eyes.

She shifts the daggers in her palms and looks away, back to Gale. "Again."

They've been doing this almost every day for the past few months, ever since she came back to the Tower. Zizi knows the whispers are directed as much at her training with an unbonded warder as with actual weapons instead of the One Power, but she doesn't care. Gale is as stubborn as she is, refusing to make things easy for her, and he doesn't ask any questions. Not even about why she's training with him instead of Benny.

Zizi doesn't want to think about Benny. She doesn't want to think about anything. That's why she's here.

She takes a deep breath and adjusts her stance. "Ready."

Thrust, parry, deflect. After all this time, it's become a comforting rhythm. Easy not to think. She likes that. Even with the Power humming under her skin, practically begging to be used.

She ignores it. She's gotten very good at ignoring things.

"Sister Zizi?"

Though she recognises the voice, Zizi doesn't turn around. Not until the third time, and then she moves as deliberately as possible. "Yes?"

Sister Evyla's narrow lips have all but disappeared, pressed together as they are. "Perhaps you would like to assist me in a demonstration? There are a few novices who require instruction." She gestures to a gaggle of wide-eyed girls behind her, watching Zizi warily.

Zizi wonders how much they know. For a place that prides itself on secrecy, rumours spread in the Tower like a disease. Besides, it's not as if she doesn't have the scars.

"You're one of the strongest in the Red Ajah," Evyla presses. "And it's not as if we couldn't use the numbers. A demonstration might help some of these novices decide where they want to go after their Test."

Show me what you can do.

Zizi reaches up to her neck before she can stop herself.

Nothing there. Just like yesterday and the day before, but that doesn't stop her from feeling it anyway. Cool metal against her skin. Blinding pain.

She hands the daggers back to Gale and reaches for her outer robe before answering. "No."

Evyla's dishwater-pale eyes widen. "Excuse me?"

"No." Perhaps it's wrong of her, but Zizi takes a malicious delight in the shock on the older woman's face. "I have other things to do."

She starts to walk past, but Evyla's hand shoots out and grips her arm. "It's been months. The Amyrlin might have told us to be patient, but there are limits to what even you are allowed."

The unexpected touch sends the world spinning, leaving Zizi teetering on the edge of dark emptiness. Evyla's words are lost to the roaring in her ears, the overwhelming urge to lash out and run.

"That's enough."

Zizi feels him more than hears him, the bond pushing awareness through her bloodstream and bringing her back to the present.

Benny moves between her and Evyla. For once, Zizi is glad of his height; the shelter of his broad back allowing her to regain some control. No one else needs to know just how close she had come to losing herself - again.

She takes advantage of Evyla's loosened grasp to jerk free. "The next time you put a hand on me I take it off. With the One Power. Will that be enough of a demonstration for you?"

Evyla's mouth drops open, but Zizi doesn't wait for her to answer. She brushes past Benny and heads towards the stairs, fists clenched tight at her sides.

She's free, but the touch still lingers. She wants to scrub it off, burn her robe and tear the skin raw. A reminder to herself to never let anyone lay a hand on her against her will again.

Footsteps echo on the stairs behind her and she stops. "You don't need to follow me, you know."

"I know."

Zizi turns around and then wishes she hadn't. The longing in his eyes is like a blade to her chest, carving through flesh and bone.

"So why are you doing it then?"

Benny shrugs. "What else should I do?"

She can feel him, hurt and love and devotion all at once and it's too much. Inviting her to break down when that is exactly the opposite of what she wants right now.

She steps closer. "Maybe I should mask the bond. Would that be enough for you to leave me in peace?"

It's cruel, and she knows it. Part of her readies itself for the fight, even as the other part cringes from the pain in his eyes, the knowledge that she's hurting him as much as herself.

Go on, she thinks. Tell me I can't do it. Give me a reason.

A reason not to fall apart.

He doesn't. Just looks at her as if he can see right down to her bones, then moves back out of her reach. "As you wish."

He turns and walks back down the stairs. Pain flares in Zizi's chest, almost cutting off her air.

She wants to call him back.

She doesn't.

Josie visits her the next day.

With over a dozen witnesses to what had happened in front of the training ground, Zizi had half been expecting to be called before the Amyrlin. What she hadn't expected was for the Amyrlin to come to her.

"You know, I should make you do penance for this. I always forget how long the walk is between your chamber and mine." Josie is smiling, but Zizi can see her eyes scanning the room - the smashed mirror, the abandoned robes, the empty hearth. With a graceful move of her hand, flames spark among the ashes, banishing the cold.

Zizi swipes her hands on her breeches awkwardly. "You could have just called me to the Hall."

"I could. But I think we've known each other too long for that." Josie looks at her. "What happened with you and Evyla?"

"She wanted me to channel for the novices. I said no."

"She claims you threatened her."

It's instinct that has Zizi baring her teeth, anger flaring before she allows herself to think about it. "She was lucky I didn't have my knives."

The words spit into the air, ugly and mean. There was a time, long before this, when Zizi would have died sooner than threaten a sister - even one as infuriating as Evyla. That time is long gone. She doesn't recognise herself now: an animal backed into the corner, snarling at the slightest movement. Just another part of all that had been taken from her. All that she'd let the Seanchan take from her.

"Zizi," Josie says gently, and Zizi realises with horror that her eyes and cheeks are wet. She turns away, scrubbing the traitorous tears from her face ruthlessly. Josie doesn't stop her, or try to touch her. She just stands there and waits, and for that Zizi is both humiliated and grateful.

"You should send me away," she says later, seated in front of the fire. Josie had had some food brought up and the remains now lie between them, along with some tea and spiced wine.

Josie brushes crumbs from her gown. She looks younger in the dim light, more like the girl who'd shared Zizi's dorm for months than the head of the entire White Tower. "Why would I do that?"

"I don't belong here anymore. Not after…" She touches her neck automatically, tries not to flinch. "I can't channel. I won't."

"No one is going to make you," Josie says quietly.

"I can feel the Power, but if I try…" Zizi stares into the flames. "I can't tell if it's me or not. If someone is making me do it. I won't let anyone make me do anything ever again."

"What about Benny?"

The mention of his name tugs at something under her skin, raw and wanting. She avoids Josie's gaze. "What do you mean?"

"You're rarely together these days. Do you want to break the bond? Start over?" Josie's voice is light and even. "Reds rarely bond warders, so I doubt anyone would question it if that was your decision."

Zizi's fingers dig into her palms. "He could die."

"He's dying right now." Josie doesn't raise her voice, but the words still feel like a slap. "When you were gone he was beside himself. All those stories we used to read about being warders lost to grief…right in front of our eyes. You're home now, and yet that pain hasn't gone away. For either of you."

Zizi closes her eyes. "He wasn't there."

"No, he wasn't. But he felt you nonetheless and he still does now." Josie sighs. "People like to say our lives are not our own - bound to the Tower, bound to serving the world around us. I'm not so certain I believe that, though. Our lives are not our own because they are bound up in the people we meet here. Friends. Lovers. Warders. You are a part of me as much as I am of you, but so is Benny. And I do not believe you want to cut him out."

Tears threaten once more and Zizi bites the inside of her cheek until it bleeds.

I'm afraid.

Josie's hand rises and Zizi feels herself tense, but the fire merely stirs to life again. "It's cold," the Amyrlin says. "I would rather not see you fall ill."

She smiles a little, and Zizi feels the gentle touch as clearly as if it had actually been given.

It's hard to sleep. Zizi blames it on the bed, a world away from the thin, hard mattress in a Seanchan cell. The kind they'd given her after she'd broken.

She sits up, nausea swirling in her stomach. Barely manages to make it to the basin on the washstand before she throws up.

After, she goes downstairs. The tower is quiet at night, but there always people around: sisters returning from or going on journeys, the occasional novice working out their penance, a sleepy servant or two. No one seems to notice her, or if they do they pretend not to.

Zizi doesn't mind. Her throat still burns and she can feel herself trembling, reflexive little shocks running through her body. She wants…She doesn't know what. Doesn't want to admit it, even in thought.

She finds Benny in the training yard, practicing. He doesn't see her at first, but his dog does. The huge animal, part wolf apparently, pads softly over to her, nudging at her hip with his nose.

Zizi crouches down and strokes through soft grey fur. As if sensing her distress, the dog nuzzles closer and whines.

"Zizi."

Sand scrapes beneath Benny's feet. He sits down next to her, close, but not enough to touch.

Zizi doesn't look up. She doesn't dare. "I couldn't sleep."

"I couldn't either."

Silence.

"You were scared," Benny says at last. "I could feel it. Are you alright?"

Zizi looks at him then. Really lets herself look, for the first time since coming back.

He looks tired. Has more stubble than before, cheeks hollowed in. His eyes are the same though: kind, even with fresh pain swirling in their depths.

"I don't know," she says. "I'm not sure…I know what that means anymore."

The tears break through at last. She's too tired to squash them.

She can feel Benny watching her, feel him holding back even as the echo of her pain travels through him. He won't touch her, Zizi knows. Not unless she wants him to.

Somehow, that knowledge gives her the courage to move closer.

It takes several moments and more than a few steadying breaths, but eventually she gets close enough.

He doesn't move.

Tentatively, Zizi rests her head on his shoulder. Braces for the worst.

There's no pain. Nothing bad happens. For some reason that makes her cry harder.

She's not sure how long it goes on, but it's a while. Benny stays the whole time.

"I can't channel anymore," she says after it's over. There's a bittersweet relief in saying it at last, after carrying the fear around in her chest for so long. "I can still touch the source, but I…I don't want to channel. Not yet."

Maybe not ever. That part remains unspoken, but he hears it anyway. Like she knew he would.

"You're still an Aes Sedai," he says. "And I'm still your warder."

"I'm sorry. For earlier. I don't want to break the bond." Admitting it feels like weakness. Zizi forces herself past the yawning chasm of fear to say the words regardless. "I don't want to lose you again."

Benny presses a kiss to her hair, so light she almost thinks she imagined it. "I'm here. As long as you want me."

Always. She doesn't say it. It's late, and she's never been one for foolish admissions. This peace is new, fragile, but it feels better than anything has these past few months. Like a beginning.

She closes her eyes and lets herself doze. If there are nightmares, at least she's not alone.

#mota #mota oc #zizi montour #benny demarco #wot au #abbie writes

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