#now. i even eat stuff that says 'not for allergy sufferers' (that one means they don't clean their machines lol. i just cross my fingers

[beeseverywhen]

Earlier I wanted to eat something that was may contain soy and I didn't want to wait. But I was highly suspicious of it not containing soy in the first place (had chocolate on it. Chocolate always has soy) and I had no epi pen with me. So I ate it in the supermarket rationalising that there was a pharmacy next door and they'd have one should I begin to die in the supermarket. Anyway it was fine. No soy in the ice cream. However when I walked past the pharmacy it was closed and like. Had a big metal shutter on it and I felt a bit like when you don't see a car coming till its too late but they do see you and stop just in time

[hyuccubus]

A podcast ruined my life

I'm exaggerating, pulling the familiar con of sensationalism to draw you in. But this is a heavy one. Look how personable I'm being now, though, so humble and effacing. I put the "personal" in "personal stories"!

But seriously, a podcast fucked me up mentally. It wasn't even something immediately triggering; a true crime oddity that hit a little too close to home, but nothing with the typical American bent; no blood, no guts, no repurposed farm tools sticking out of the trash bins, buzzing with more flies than usual for this time of year.

It was an episode of Stuff You Should Know about, and this is where I would recommend anyone with anxiety disorder either prepare yourselves or stop reading, I mean it, just let this one go.

Going once.

Going twice.

The Tylenol Murders. I won't bring up the specifics, it involves poison, a lack of leads, and needless death. The thing of interest, beyond the rubber-necking into human suffering the eternally connected consumer is all too happy to indulge in, was that it changed so much of how medications make it to the shelves.

There's a few layers of irony here. The hosts certainly didn't mean to scare anyone; this happened once and has never happened again, some have tried to cover up their murdered spouses by blaming a copycat, some even causing irreparable harm to folks caught in the crossfire, but nothing like the initial case. For one thing, the copycats were caught.

Another irony; I was listening to the podcast at work to keep myself from driving myself up the wall from anxiety, thinking too much about things I shouldn't be thinking about. I even thought maybe I should skip that episode, for my own sake. But no, I decided, I am not a slave to my anxiety. I will not let it dictate what I do and not do. And it proceeded to drive me up a wall.

What's funny is, it didn't immediately destroy me. The idea was like a spore, taking root in my brain, biding its time. I got to thinking about how many hands touch the things that go into my body. The lack of control. The possibility. The agony of a body's death when it cannot process oxygen. The fear, the animal desire to breathe, and nothing can help you, no one can save you, and your family will see the sheet pulled back, and cover their mouths, tears budding in the ducts of their eyes, and say yes, that's you, or it was you, and all it takes is a pinch of powder.

It doesn't matter that it doesn't happen, that it's nigh impossible, you'd win the lottery ten times over before then... it could. It just could.

And it controlled me. I had trouble eating anything, I had to convince myself I would be okay, wait until I was around people I trusted and blindfold myself with the comfort that they wouldn't let anything happen to me. And I fucking hate it. I still won't take tylenol. I still have trouble taking anything unless I myself buy the bottle, open it, break the seal, and inspect the pills. I can't go back. I can't take the information out of my head.

I'm getting there. I'm realizing I'd be able to taste the poison at that dose, that manufacturers very very much do not want such a thing in their products, that microbes don't escape their purview, how could cyanide? But I'll more likely than not always have the twinge of fear. Every time I feel a headache, I don't think about allergies or hormonal periods, I think about what I ate, or drank. Could it have been spiked?

"No, of course not", says my rational brain.

"You can't prove that," says the fear.

But I'm still here. And I need to eat, and I really want medicine, and I'll have to find a way to deal with it. It's nobody's fault but mine. I'm getting to a point where I'm more afraid of what the stress will do to me than the idea of death by cyanide. I can't live my life by "what if"s, after all.

That's all the moral I have for you. If you think you should stay away from something, listen to it. You're not stronger for exposing yourself to things you don't want. Understanding your limits is a kind of strength all its own.

[c-is-for-circinate]

Wait, isn't "anti" stuff more like "anti-pedophilia" and stuff? Like, you have a point about anti-porn attitudes, but from what I've heard just "anti" on its own means against stuff like kid porn and incest porn and legitimately f*cked up sh*t like that.

Okay!  So this, I think, is actually a great example of what I was talking about, and a really useful thing to understand.  (CW rape, child abuse, etc)

Smarter people than me have written much better essays about why policing thoughtcrimes is a bad road to go down, and I will probably reblog some of them next time they cross my dash for more context.  What I want to talk about is the trigger mechanism, the ‘oh, this looks like danger!!!’ immune response in how we look at different kinds of porn, and how that applies to anti culture.

Here’s the thing: I am anti-pedophilia.  I think that, for most people, that’s a stance that largely goes without saying!  Adults who prey on children are bad.  I’m also against incest; relatives who prey on their family members are bad.  Above all I oppose rape.  Sexual predation of any kind is bad.  In fact, I’d say that’s the most important item on the list.  There is plenty of room to argue about where the lines are between ‘adult’ and ‘child’ and how teenagers fit in the middle, and there’s plenty of room to get historical about the lines between ethically terrible incest, distasteful-but-bearable “aristocratic inbreeding” between distant cousins, and the kind of consanguinity that tends to develop in a small town where everyone’s vaguely related to everyone else by now anyway.  The core of the issue is consent, and it has always been consent.  Pedophilia and incest are horrific because they are rape scenarios where the abuser has far more power and their victim far fewer resources to cope, both practically and emotionally; because harm to children is, to us as a culture, worse than harm to adults, for a lot of very valid reasons; and because they constitute betrayal of trust the victim should have been able to put in their abuser as well as rape--but they are all rape scenarios, and that’s why they’re awful. 

These things are bad.  It is good for us to have a social immune response system that recognizes these things when they’re happening and insists we step in.  That is a good thing to develop!  It helps us, as a society.  It can help the people being victimized.  It’s the same reason educators and childcare workers in the US are all mandated reporters, why we do background checks on people working near kids.  These things happen, and they’re terrible, and it’s good that we try to be aware and prepared for them.  (Though obviously studies show we’re a lot less good at protecting the vulnerable than we’d like to pretend we are.)

The question is: why does that same social immune response trigger, and trigger so angrily, in response to fiction?

Anti culture is fundamentally an expression of that social immune response.  Specifically, it’s that social immune response when it is set off by a situation that, while it has some similarities to the very bad real-life crime of sexual predation including pedophilia and incest, is in and of itself harmless.

If you’re instinct is to flare up in anger or dismissiveness because I’m calling these things harmless, I want to ask you to just take a deep breath and bear with me for a bit longer.  What you’re feeling right now is an allergic reaction.

Humans tell and read and listen to stories about “legitimately fucked up shit” all the time.  It’s part of the human condition.  It’s part of how we process those things happening, not just to use, but to other people in the world around us.  It’s part of how we process completely unrelated fucked-up shit, playing with fears and furies and insecurities that we all have, through so may layers of fiction that we don’t even recognize them any more, playing with power dynamics in metaphor and making characters suffer for fun.  Aside from the fact that literally all stories do this to some extent or another; aside from the fact that drawing lines between ‘ok that’s good storytelling’ and ‘that’s too fucked-up to write about’ is arbitrary, subjective, and dangerous in its own right; aside from all of that, these stories are stories.  All of them. 

Even the ones about rape, about incest, about pedophilia.  They’re words on a page.  No real children were harmed, touched, or even glanced at in the making of this work of fiction.  This story, pornographic though it may be, is part of a conversation between consenting adults.  (And if a teenager lies about their age to consent, that is a different problem altogether.)

Stories in and of themselves, no matter what they’re about, are no more dangerous than a crate full of oranges.  Which is to say: utterly harmless, unless all you have to eat is oranges, all day every day, and you find yourself dying slowly of nutrient deficiency--which is why representation matters.  Or unless someone wields one deliberately, violently, as a tool to cause harm, and someone gets acid in their eye--which is the fault of the person holding the orange. And unless you happen to be allergic to citrus.

The key here is this twofold understanding:  First, the thing that hurts you can also have value to others.  Real, legitimate value.  Whether you’ve undergone trauma and certain story elements are straight-up PTSD triggers or you just don’t like orange juice, that story, those tropes, that crate of oranges may be somewhere between icky and fundamentally abhorrent--but we understand that that is still your reaction.  Even if you don’t understand how anybody could ever enjoy it; even if every single person you surround yourself with is as sensitive and disgusted and itchy about this thing that makes your eyes hurt and your throat stop working as you; that doesn’t make it true for everyone.  That doesn’t make oranges poisonous.  No real children were involved in the writing of this story.  It is words on a page.

But, secondly: the thing that has value to others can also hurt you.  Just because a story isn’t inherently poison doesn’t mean it can’t cause you, personally, pain.  That’s what a PTSD trigger is: an allergic reaction, psychological anaphylaxis, a brain that’s trying so hard to protect its own from a threat that isn’t actually present (but was once, and the brain is trained to respond) that it causes far more harm and misery than the trigger itself possibly could.  And no, it’s not just people with PTSD who sometimes get hurt by stories.  There are many, many ways a story can poke the part of your brain that says, this is Bad, I don’t like this, I don’t want to be here.  The story is still, always, every time, pixels on a screen and ink on paper.  The story causes no physical harm.  But it can poke your brain into misery, it can stir up your emotions, it can make you want to cringe and run away.  It can make you want to scream and fight and go after the author who brought this thing into existence.  It can make you hurt.

This is an allergic reaction.  This is your brain and body, your reflexes and instincts, trying to protect you from something that isn’t really happening.  And just like a literal allergic reaction, it can do actual harm to you if it gets set off.  This is real.  The fact that stories can upset you to the point of pain and mental/emotional injury is real, even though it’s coming from your own brain and not the story itself.  There are stories you shouldn’t read.  There are stories I shouldn’t read, regret reading, will never read, because they hurt me.  That doesn’t mean they’re the same stories that would hurt you.  That doesn’t mean they don’t have value.

And, finally:

If getting upset about stories is fundamentally an individual person’s allergic reaction, their brain freaking out and firing off painful survival instincts in the face of a thing that isn’t, in and of itself, a threat?  Then the anti movement is a cultural allergic reaction.

Fandom as a whole has a pretty active immune system, which doesn’t mean we have a good immune system.  We try very hard to be aware of all the viruses and -isms and abuse and manipulation and cruelty, both systematic and individual, that exists around and within our community.  We’re primed and ready to shout about things at all times.  The anti movement is that system, that culture, screaming and shouting and fighting at a harmless thing on a grand scale.  It wants to stop that thing, that scary awful thing that trips all of its well-primed danger sensors, at all costs.  It’ll swell up and block off our airways (our archives) if it has to.  It’ll turn on the body it came from.  It’s scared and protective and trying to fight, and it’s ready to fight and destroy itself.

Luckily, fans and fanfic and fandom and fan culture are a lot bigger and older than they often get credit for, and it’s not like these cultural allergies are anything new.  We could talk about shippers and slashers in the X-Files fandom in the 90s.  We could talk about the birth of fandom in the days of Star Trek.  We could talk about censorship and book burning going back centuries.  We survived that and we’ll survive this, too.

But god, does the anti movement my throat and eyes itch.  Man is it irritating, and sometimes a little suffocating, to realize how many stories just aren’t getting told out of fear of what the antis will say.  And that’s the real danger, I think.  What are we losing that would have so much value to someone?  What are we missing out?

[kpop-zone]

A Little Longer | Jennie

Warnings: NSFW

Genre: angst, a little smut

Wordcount: 6,609

Request: Sentence prompt with blackpink jennie: “I don’t want to be alone right now.” 

A/N: Inspired by Bang Chan’s “I Hate To Admit It”

Part 2 Part 3

From past relationships, you knew how hard breakups could be. No matter how long the relationship lasted or how mutual the breakup was, there was always a part of you that felt empty after the other left your life. But you could have never guessed how hard your breakup with Jennie would be.

Everyone around you probably thought that you were fine. But you knew that there hadn’t been one day since Jennie walked out of your life almost a year ago that you hadn’t thought about her. Of course, your world kept spinning. You managed to land a great promotion at work and your friends were a great distraction. Nevertheless, you couldn’t stop your heart from aching, every time you saw something that reminded you of her.

Which was basically everything.

You had dated for three years, so it seemed like you had been at every place in the city together. When you were in the supermarket, you thought of her when you saw her favorite brand of chips. When you walked past a dog park, you thought about the times the two of you played there with Kuma and Kai. It was driving you insane. It seemed like your body physically reacted to the memories with her, making all of your limbs feel numb and heavy. Things that usually shouldn’t be straining felt like a full-body workout, because all of your energy had evaporated into thin air the day Jennie had left you behind. You hated the power that she still had over you although she wasn’t even near you. Especially since you seemed to be the only one that was suffering. Jennie had not only managed to move on from you after the breakup, no, it seemed like she had already moved on while the two of you were still dating.

“Look! This one kind of looks like Kuma.”

You giggled while pointing at one of the cookies that you just had shaped.

After a long time, Jennie finally had a day off and you decided to spend it in the shelter of your own four walls to do some domestic activities. It gave variety to your usually hectic days and you found yourself being completely immersed in this lifestyle. So immersed that you didn’t even notice how Jennie had stopped decorating the cookies and was looking at you instead.

“I think, I don’t want to do this anymore.”

She stated and you giggled in response.

“It’s ok. This is the last tray. I can finish it on my own and then we’ll do something else.”

Although you were having the time of your life right now, you didn’t mind doing something else. As long as the two of you did it together, you could be out there picking up trash and you would probably still be smiling.

“I didn’t mean the cookies.”

Jennie responded somewhat coldly, making you look up from the tray. You cocked your head to the side in confusion.

“I don’t want to do this anymore.”

She repeated her statement while pointing between the two of you.

Theoretically you understood what she was referring to, but practically you had trouble wrapping your head around it.

“W-what?”

You stuttered in disbelief and Jennie huffed.

“Look, Y/N. Don’t make this more complicated than it has to be. I’m sure you have noticed the change in our dynamic lately too.”

In your dynamic? You couldn’t belief how callously Jennie was talking right now. Wordlessly you stared at her while thinking about the past weeks. Of course, you hadn’t had much time for each other because of Jennie’s schedule, but you had always anticipated the days that you could spend together.

“No, quite frankly, I have not noticed that.”

You answered honestly, causing Jennie to massage the bridge of her nose.

“Jennie, if this is about the lack of time, we had for each other lately, I don’t want you to worry about that. I know your schedule has been crazy these past weeks, but there will be-“

“It hasn’t.”

Jennie cut you short and once more you felt like you were lacking some information to make sense out of all of this.

“Of course, I had some appointments, but I still had enough free time. I just didn’t come home, because... I had better things to do.”

Her words had managed to break through the wall of confusion that had surrounded you till now and left a deep cut in your heart.

Better things.

Those words played over and over again in your head like a broken record.

“I’m sorry if I’m too blunt, but I feel like it’s time we stop the charades.”

She continued, but you wished that she had stayed quiet. You had been nothing but honest in this relationship. Every confession, every love declaration, every compliment had been the truth. But apparently you had been the only one.

You wanted to scream at Jennie for being so heartless, but your body felt weak as tears started streaming down your cheeks. You trembled in anger, disappointment and pain. But there were no traces of those emotions in Jennie’s eyes. She looked bored. As if she was just sticking around a while to be polite before being able to close this chapter.

“Go.”

You choked out, causing Jennie to look at you. For a second her gaze lingered on you, but then she leaped to her feet uncomplainingly and grabbed her stuff before leaving you behind. No apology, no regret; just as if these past three years hadn’t happened.

As soon as the front door fell in its locks, you broke down to the floor and gasped for air. The walls around you seemed to close in on you and you curled up into a ball in search for protection. But no matter how tightly you tried to hold yourself together, your heart was ripped wide open.

How long had she only been playing with you?

“Earth to Y/N! Hello!!”

You were suddenly shaken by your shoulders, causing you to snap out of your memories.

“Dude, are you crying?”

Tami, one of your best friends and co-workers, asked perplexed.

You hadn’t even realized how deep you had been engulfed in your thoughts until you tasted the salt of your tears on your lips. Quickly you wiped your cheeks and put a smile on your lips.

“No, pabo. My allergies have just been hitting me hard lately. What have you been saying?”

Tami looked at you skeptically for a second, but then she decided that her urge to tell you something was more important than your weird behavior.

“I’ve been asking you what you will be wearing tonight.”

Tonight? Confused you sifted through your calendar mentally but couldn’t think of any birthday parties or other invites.

“The vernissage?”

Tami continued annoyed as she noticed that you couldn’t follow.

You grunted in response and let your head fall to your desk. You had totally forgotten, no, repressed that event that was marked with a scull in your calendar.

While Jennie and you had still been dating, the two of you had often went out together. Visiting bars, having dinner at fancy restaurants, accepting the invites of her high society friends to their million-dollar mansions. Your relationship surely had never been boring. Jennie’s network ranged throughout the whole city and as time passed, parts of her network became yours too. Most of her friends were actually a lot more approachable than they seemed at first and you eventually found yourself hanging with them even when Jennie wasn’t with you.

One of them was Jiyong. He had always been rather down to earth despite his extravagant clothing style and millions of dollars in his bank account, making him weasel his way into your heart in no time. And even after the breakup, he had assured you his friendship, leading to this dilemma now. His invite to his vernissage had reached you a few weeks ago and since then you had been trying to find a way to avoid it. You couldn’t just deny his invite, because you knew how important the event was for him. But you really didn’t want to go either, because she would be there.

Jennie and Jiyong had already been friends long before you. He was one of the few friends, she actually liked and kept by her side. Therefore, you knew that she wouldn’t miss his first big vernissage. Of course, you had told yourself in the course of the past weeks that meeting Jennie on neutral ground wouldn’t be an issue; after all, you had broken up a year ago already. But even if you hated to admit it, you knew that this wasn’t true. If walking past a dog park made your heart ache, you were sure that seeing Jennie would probably knock the air out of your lungs and make you suffocate.

Somehow you needed to get out if this death trap.

“You’re not thinking about bailing last minute, right?”

As if she could read your thoughts, Tami looked at you suspiciously with one eyebrow raised after you had been quiet for a while.

“I really don’t want to go.”

You whined, causing your best friend to huff in frustration.

“What is your deal, Y/N? Of course, it’s hard to meet your ex, but it’s not like you’re still mourning after her.”

She exclaimed annoyed and you avoided her gaze; if only she knew.

“I don’t know. It’s just... not really my thing. All those rich people and the paparazzi.”

You lied, but you knew that Tami wouldn’t take no for an answer.

“You’re right, that sounds absolutely terrible. Getting free champagne, eating appetizer from a five-star Michelin chef and flirting with millionaires. Such an agony.”

She responded mockingly and you wished that you had never asked her to be your plus one in the first place. But Jiyong had given you two tickets and it was clear from the beginning that you wouldn’t be able to go there without some moral support.

“We’re going, Y/N. Wear something fancy, I’m picking you up at 7.”

Tami concluded your discussion without waiting for an answer before returning to her desk again and leaving you with your thoughts.

A bad feeling in the pit of your stomach was telling you that this night would become a disaster. It made your anxiety increase tenfold and when it was 7 at last, you felt like throwing up. But precisely when the clock reached the full hour, your doorbell rang, indicating the arrival of Tami. For a second, you toyed with the idea of just hiding under your covers and ignoring all of your responsibilities. Then, however, you remembered Jiyong’s text that he had sent you earlier in which he thanked you for your support despite the struggles that you would have to go through because of it. With a huff, you accepted your fate before grabbing all of your necessities and walking to the front door.

“Are you ready???”

Tami greeted you with her shrill voice as soon as you swung the door open, making you flinch in surprise.

“Yeah.”

You cheered less then excited. But Tami didn’t care; quickly she interlinked your arms and pulled you to the elevator.

“This is going to be the best night ever!”

She yelled, making you believe that you’d probably soon have a headache additionally to your nausea.

Your lack of enthusiasm, however, didn’t keep Tami from gushing nonstop till you reached the location of the vernissage. It was an old warehouse with a rundown façade, but the sportscars parked in front of it with their overdressed passengers gave away that this place was far from being an ordinary building. People of all kinds lined up in front of it although it was clear that some of them were nowhere near to being given access by the scary looking bouncers. Nevertheless, they had the chance to sniff the air of the rich and glamorous, even if it was just by looking from the outside in.

“Wow.”

Tami gaped next to you when she saw all the VIPs dressed in their expensive-looking clothes passing the bouncers with ease. Her pace got slower with every step and you ended up pulling her to the door where the bouncer eyed you dismissively.

“Invite.”

He murmured impolitely, probably thinking that you were just two wannabes. After dating Jennie for three years though, you were already used to it. Flashing him a big smile, you dug out your invite and shoved it into his hands. Perplexed he scanned the paper before giving you a suspicious look.

“Name.”

His demand was even ruder than before and you needed to swallow a snarky comment.

“Y/N L/N.”

You hissed instead, waiting for the satisfaction that would come a second later when he’d realize that you were actually invited.

Expectedly his eyes widened when he found your name on the list and reluctantly, he let you pass to get inside. You flashed him a last triumphant smile before entering the building where you were greeted by a turmoil of people and some futuristic beats. The room was larger than expected and decorated with Jiyong’s artworks whose illumination was the only source of light.

“This place looks amazing.”

Tami whispered as if her voice could disturb the mysterious and extravagant atmosphere.

But despite the amazing artworks and the carefully designed interior, your focus was not where it was supposed to be. Attentively you scanned the faces of the guests instead. Not with the intent of finding any A-list celebrities like Tami, but with the intent of finding the one person that you were not hoping to find.

“She’s not here, yet.”

A sudden voice from beside you made you jump in surprise.

It was Jiyong who had apparently managed to look right through you after taking one glance at you. Sheepishly you grinned before opening your arms to invite him for a hug.

“Everything is so beautiful. You can be really proud of yourself.”

You said to distract from the fact that you had been caught red-handed.

“Yeah right. I’m sure you have been looking at my art.”

He responded doubtingly, causing you to blush. Gratefully, however, Tami cleared her throat next to you in need for attention, saving you from an unpleasant conversation about your miserable state even one year after the breakup.

“Ah yes, this is Tami, Jiyong. My co-worker and a really good friend of mine.”

You introduced Tami who immediately started buttering up Jiyong with compliments, causing you to roll your eyes. You looked at the scene in front of you for a while until secondhand embarrassment took over your body and you decided to save both of your friends.

“Come on, let’s look at the art.”

Tami looked obviously displeased when you pulled her away from Jiyong who was starting to feel a little uncomfortable because of the exuberant attention.

“We were totally vibing.”

She hissed once you were out of Jiyong’s earshot and you just chuckled in response. That girl would probably play every trick to get herself the number of a millionaire tonight.

You wished that you had been able to place a bet on that as Tami was out of sight not even a minute later after running off to snap some pictures with a famous fashion blogger. You, on the other hand, couldn’t be less interested in the other guests of tonight. You just wanted to dawdle away the bare minimum of time to be able to flee the scene without being impolite. Therefore, you combed through Jiyong’s artworks instead while trying to stay clear of all people in order to avoid making unpleasant encounters. But despite your friend’s obvious talent, you couldn’t enjoy his event. The fear of accidentally running into Jennie was breathing down your neck, although you had been able to fight your nausea with the hope of being able to leave before her arrival.

Your hope was destroyed though, when a murmur suddenly went through the crowd. Like magnets, the guests were pulled to the entrance and you didn’t need to turn around to know that she had arrived. You kept your gaze stubbornly fixated on one of Jiyong’s paintings, but you couldn’t block out the whispers around you.

“Look at her dress.”

“Wow her skin is glowing.”

“She’s even prettier in person.”

People gasped left and right to you and it felt like someone was twisting your heart. Only the thought of being in the same room with her made you feel nauseous again and you anxiously started chewing on your lip. Your body almost ached because you were refusing to turn around, but your brain forbade you to give in to the temptation. With every second the whispers got louder, indicating that Jennie was getting closer to you. You clenched your fists as you concentratedly tried to keep staring ahead while fighting your own heart that was screaming at you to finally look at her.

Did she look different? Was she looking for you like you did for her?

Your curiosity was killing you, making your head turn involuntarily to the side like Jennie was radiating some sort of gravitational force. A quick glance over the shoulder couldn’t harm anybody, right? You would allow yourself to look at her just for a second to appease your thirst; nothing more.

But as soon as Jennie stepped into your field of vision, all of your resistance crumbled. Your breath hitched in your throat and everything around her became blurry as you were only able to see her. Her feline eyes were scanning the dumbfounded crowd while a smirk on her lips was giving away how much she loved the attention. You hated her smugness, but at the same time it was making your knees feel weak. She was radiating pure power and superiority, making you realize that she was like a drug that you were addicted to. Only seeing her was energizing you more than anything else in the past year. Finally, you were feeling like yourself again and your thirst for more grew.

You needed more of your drug. You needed more of Jennie.

Your feet were about to follow the draw that was pulling you to her when your trance was suddenly disturbed by the increasingly loud murmurs. Confused, you furrowed your brow as the blocked-out background started to come to the fore. You were able to see the bigger picture again and noticed how the chatter of the people had gotten more agitated. Groups of people were sticking their heads together while eyeing Jennie derogatorily causing her smirk to falter. Suddenly she didn’t look arrogant anymore; suddenly she looked like your Jennie again. The girl that was afraid of thunder and preferred to watch Disney movies because all of the other movies were too suspenseful for her.

You tried to understand the chatter around you, but it was too jumbled. Nevertheless, it took no genius to know that they were talking badly about your ex. You knew that you should probably feel some sort of satisfaction right now; after all she had chipperly ripped your heart out without any form of regret, just to eat you alive and spit you out again. It should make you feel good to know that karma was coming for her. But of course, you didn’t enjoy seeing her suffering. She looked so lost in that moment and you cursed yourself for wanting to wrap your arms around her and whisper sweet nothings into her ear to comfort her. But unfortunately, that wasn’t your place anymore. Instead, all you could do was to try picking up some words from around you to figure out what was going on.

“Dating scandal.”

Those two words suddenly sounded clearly directly next to you and you jumped in surprise before turning your head. Jiyong had once again managed to sneak up on you. He was standing next to you with a champagne glass in his hand while zeroing in on Jennie.

“Huh?”

You asked confused, making him look at you.

“She has been entangled in another dating scandal. That’s why the crowd is being especially wild around her tonight. Some hope for more gossip, while others just want a piece of her fame.”

He explained and your heart clenched.

Not, however, because you learned that Jennie had been in another relationship in the meantime. You hadn’t expected anything less from her. She was the embodiment of grace and perfection, so it was to no surprise that she had captured someone else in her net of temptations. No, what hurt you more was the fact that once again people seemed to forget that Jennie was just human. Like vultures they were surrounding her, waiting for a slip in order to pounce on her and tear her down.

Over and over again, they criticized her for the stupidest things. Every step that she took was supervised, leaving her scared and insecure after being in the industry for so long. But no one seemed to notice. Everyone else only saw her perfect smile and sublime demeanor. It was all just a game for them for their entertainment. A game with no regard for fatalities.

Silently you unlocked the door and tiptoed into the house. After you had read the news, nothing could hold you at work anymore and you faked sick to leave early. Blackpink had showcased their comeback yesterday. Jennie had been incredibly nervous beforehand, but you had assured her that all of her hard work would pay off and that there would be nothing to worry about. But once more the netizens proved you wrong.

Today an enormous amount of hate comments about Jennie were flooding the internet. Bad dancer. Weak link of Blackpink. Lazy. The usual insults were thrown at your girlfriend’s head and when you texted her to check up on her, you received no answer. You knew that this could only mean that she had read the news and had broken down again.

Carefully you entered her room and saw her balled up on her bed.

“Baby?”

You whispered softly once you were standing in front of her, but you got no reaction out of her.

Her trembling shoulders, however, were giving away that she wasn’t sleeping but crying instead. Therefore, you sat down on the edge of her bed and gently brushed some hair out of her face. Although the room was only dimly lit, you could see that Jennie’s eyes were red and puffy, causing you to almost wince in pain.

“They hate me, Y/N.”

She sobbed silently and you instantly lifted her up to pull her into your arms.

“They are just jealous, jagi. Fame always comes with hate. But there are so many people that love you; so many.”

You whispered into her ear, but her sobs kept echoing in the room. Helplessly you pressed her against your body in hopes to give her the comfort that she needed while you were lacking any words to make her feel better.

If only you could find a way to make all of this hate go away.

Unfortunately, you never found a way though. Your relationship with Jennie continued to be a cycle of your girlfriend soaring through the sky due to all the praise in one moment and hitting rock bottom the next. And now a year after your breakup, it didn’t seem to be much different; only that you weren’t there anymore to pick up the pieces.

A mixture of guilt and hatred for the people around you made your skin crawl and you could feel your irritation getting the better of you.

“Excuse me.”

You said to Jiyong before storming off into the direction of the restrooms to avoid seeing Jennie’s broken figure any longer.

With all your power, you swung open the door of the restroom, making it slam loudly against the wall. But you couldn’t care less, you needed to do something to get rid of your anger. With big steps, you headed straight for the sink where you looked at yourself in the mirror. Your breath was fast and shallow like you had just run a marathon. Once again, your feelings for Jennie caused a physical reaction in you against your will.

Quickly you turned on the tap and splashed some water on your cheeks in hopes to cool your head. Your thoughts were racing, and you needed to slow them down to prevent a short circuit in your brain. Closing your eyes, you focused on your breathing and gradually managed to slow it down along with your heartbeat.

This was none of your business anymore, you thought. Jennie wasn’t yours. She had probably never been. Her actions were her responsibility and it wasn’t your job to fix her. It was a hard pill to swallow, but maybe tonight could be your wake-up call. It was time to let your brain guide you again, instead of your heart. Therefore, you kept reasoning with yourself until you couldn’t feel your heart jumping out of your chest anymore. When you opened your eyes again, you sternly looked at yourself in the mirror.

“None.Of.Your.Freaking.Business.”

You warned yourself as you were still struggling to ban all thoughts of Jennie from your mind. Maybe you could speak your disinterest into existence.

Like a mantra, you kept mumbling this sentence under your breath while touching up your appearance until you were pleased with the outcome. With determination you nodded to yourself in the mirror before feeling ready to leave the restroom. Maybe you weren’t ready yet to meet Jennie, but you surely felt confident enough to be in one room with her and just let her be. With newfound positivity, you swung open the door, only to find your confidence being destroyed a second later. Another person was almost running down the hallway with their face lowered and buried behind their hands. There was no time for you to get out of the way, causing the two of you to bump shoulders. Only then, the person lifted their head and with wide eyes, you realized that it was Jennie who seemed to be fleeing from the crowd.

“Y/N.”

She breathed evidently surprised when her gaze met yours. It seemed like she hadn’t expected anyone to be here, especially not you. There were tears in her eyes and the smug look from before had disappeared. Concern immediately washed over you, leaving nothing of the newfound determination behind. Jennie, however, noticed your pitiful look, making her put up her façade again. As if there weren’t tears shimmering in her eyes, she flashed you a gummy smile.

“It’s been a while! How are you doing?”

Jennie asked overly cheerful.

You didn’t know what hurt you more. Suddenly being so close to her or having to watch how she pretended to be fine once again when she obviously wasn’t. Why did she always have to mime the strong one?

But despite knowing that she was hurting herself, you still felt inferior to her. Something about her always managed to make you feel weak. Her feline eyes were scanning all the details in your face and you felt yourself getting nervous under her gaze. It was melting away the little rest of confidence that you had been guarding, leaving you vulnerable and scared. Looking into Jennie’s face, threw you back to the day, she had decided that she didn’t want to be yours anymore. Like every day the past year, the memories choked you up and made you wordlessly stare at Jennie.

“Y/N?”

Only her soft voice was able to break your train of thoughts and you cleared your throat to recollect yourself.

“Um... fine. I’m perfectly fine.”

You lied while avoiding her eyes. Suddenly, however, a sensation on your hand made you jump in surprise. You snapped up your gaze to see that Jennie had reached out to touch your hand.

“That’s a lie.”

She simply stated, causing you to reflexively back away to protect your personal space.

“W-what? Don’t be silly.”

You chuckled nervously, but it seemed like your insecurity had suddenly turned a switch inside of Jennie, causing her confidence to return. She took a step forward while eyeing you with a piercing gaze.

“Really? Then why are you shaking?”

Only now you realized that the adrenaline that was rushing through your veins right now was making you tremble. Quickly you hid your hands behind your back to save your face.

“I’m not.”

Your answer made Jennie chuckle and a cold shudder ran down your spine. It seemed like she had found a distraction from the pain that was probably still pulling at her heartstrings because of earlier; she had found a prey that she could easily bring down despite being ailing herself. But you wouldn’t let her torture you, just to make her feel better. You wouldn’t go down without a fight.

“How are you though? I heard about the dating scandal.”

Your voice wasn’t as confident as you would have wanted it to be, but you could still see in Jennie’s face that you had struck a nerve. A dark shadow flashed over it and you almost grinned, because you had finally won the upper hand. Your smugness faltered a second later, however, when a new flame flared up in Jennie’s eyes.

“What can I say, fame always comes with hate.”

Emotionlessly, she repeated your words from all those years ago, causing you to gulp thickly. If you had wanted to bring out the vulnerable girl in Jennie, you had failed miserably. Instead, you seemed to have poked the flame in her that wanted to consume you.

“Do you remember how you used to take care of me when I was involved in another scandal?”

Jennie asked while inching closer to you.

You didn’t know what intentions she had right now, but you were sure that they were not of the good kind. Jennie always had been an asserter of unhealthy coping mechanisms and the humiliation from before had deeply hurt her, even if she tried to play it cool. Someone needed to pay for it, and something was telling you that this would be you.

With her eyes fixed on you, Jennie creeped closer while you kept stumbling backwards. Eventually, however, you backed against the door of the restroom, leaving you trapped and defenseless against Jennie’s attack.

“I miss those times.”

Your heart missed a beat as Jennie said exactly the words that you had wanted to hear.

You were aware that they were a lie. But your brain didn’t seem to be strong enough to make you act by your better knowledge. Instead you stood perfectly still as Jennie was now standing directly in front of you, in order to calmly, but surely take down all the pillars that were supporting your defiance.

“Jennie.”

You breathed with your last willpower while pushing her away halfheartedly.

Your resistance was of no use, however, as Jennie leaned into you, making you feel her hot breath against your neck.

“I just don’t want to be alone right now.”

She said barely above a whisper, but you understood every word clearly as her lips were only inches next to your ear. A shudder ran down your spine and you had to fight a moan that was threatening to leave your mouth. Every part of your body was tingling in anticipation for Jennie’s touch now.

She immediately noticed the change in your demeanor, causing her to push down the handle of the restroom door in order to shove you inside. In lightning speed, she checked all the stalls for any unwanted spectators before locking the door. You gulped thickly as you were standing helplessly in the middle of the room like a lamb in front of a slaughterer. Your brain was telling you to run while the rest of your body was telling you to stay, leaving you paralyzed. A mischievous smirk was playing on Jennie’s lips as she was walking towards you while swaying her hips seductively. She hadn’t even touched you yet, but the heat between your legs was already making you shift uncomfortably from one leg to the other. Jennie laughed sardonically when she noticed your desperate state and pushed you backwards until you were pressed against the sink.

“Impatient, are we?”

She hummed and you lowered your head in embarrassment. You didn’t know what you hated more. The fact that you were still so affected by her or the fact that Jennie knew about it.

“Don’t be embarrassed, baby. I’ve made you wait too long, haven’t I?”

Her fingers sneaked under your chin to lift your head up. She made you meet her eyes while her other hand unbuttoned your pants. Attentively, she watched your reaction while wallowing in the satisfaction that your obedience gave her.

“Lucky for you, we don’t have all night. So I won’t make you wait any longer.”

With those words, she crashed her lips into yours, not hesitating to slip her tongue into your mouth. But you didn’t mind. Like she had said, you had waited way too long for this. Your arms found their way around her neck to pull her closer as Jennie put her hands on your hips. She detached your lips to kiss along your jawline down to your neck where she sucked on your pulse point. You closed your eyes immediately to indulge in the sensation. Jennie had always known how to work the weaknesses of your body perfectly.

While she made sure to mark your neck, one of her hands sneaked under your shirt to your breasts where she gave your left one a firm squeeze. A moan escaped your mouth that was cut short though when the handle of the restroom door was suddenly pushed down. Automatically, you straightened up and pushed Jennie back who looked at you disapprovingly.

“It’s locked, babe. Don’t worry.”

Calmly she pressed you back in place, but you couldn’t stop glancing at the door.

“But...”

You started, but Jennie shut you up with a kiss.

“They can use the other bathroom. But I promise to make it quick.”

With a swift movement, Jennie pulled down your pants along with your panties. She pressed you harshly against the sink, making you yelp loudly when your bare skin came in contact with the cold surface. You could spot a smirk on Jennie’s lips just before she attached her lips to yours again; she was enjoying this way too much. She kissed you roughly, making you feel breathless and desperate for more. You were sure that the wetness between your legs was starting to drip down by now, causing you to press your legs together. Jennie, however, immediately protested as she was exploring your ass and inner thighs with her hand.

“Uh uh.”

She shook her head and spread your legs again.

“Let me help you with that.”

Suddenly you felt two fingers thrusting into your entrance without a warning. You gripped the edge of the sink hard, turning your knuckles white in order to stop you from screaming profanities. Jennie didn’t hesitate to start pumping her fingers while circling your clit with her thumb, making your legs begin to feel like jelly. Noticing your struggle, Jennie pressed you harder against the sink with her lower body while wrapping her arm around your waist to steady you. As the knot in your stomach was beginning to grow you pulled her closer to you and buried your face in the crook of her neck to muffle your moans that were steadily getting louder.

“Why don’t you let me hear your moans? You sound so beautiful.”

Jennie complained before pushing you back to be able to kiss you again. Soon you were running out of breath though as her fingers kept slipping in and out of you, causing you to throw your head back to gasp for air. The pressure in your stomach wanted to be released, but Jennie chose to move her fingers in a torturing slow pace to tease you a little longer. Impatiently you rolled your hips against Jennie’s hand, but she pulled away every time you were close to hitting the right spot, causing you to whine involuntarily.

“Does that feel good?”

Jennie asked teasingly while nibbling on your earlobe.

“Please...”

You choked out, desperate for her to stop this torture.

“Only because you asked so nicely.”

She giggled before licking along your jawline and finally picking up the pace of her fingers. She thrusted deep inside you, making you unable to control your moans anymore. The room was filled with your panting, the sound of your wetness and eventual curse words that rolled over your tongue when Jennie hit the right spot. It didn’t take long till you could feel yourself chasing your high, making you desperately cling to Jennie in fear that your legs would give in. Your fingers entangled in her hair, but she didn’t stop pumping in and out of you, sending you over the edge eventually. All the tension left your body at once and your hips stutteringly bucked forward to ride your high as long as possible. Only when you felt like you couldn’t take any more, Jennie finally removed her fingers and pushed herself off you. Shakily you propped yourself against the sink while trying to catch your breath.

Although you had shared this form of intimacy a hundred times before, you could feel yourself getting shy as you were standing in front of Jennie exposed like that. She, on the other hand, showed no signs of shame or embarrassment; as a matter of fact, she wasn’t showing any emotions at all. Nonchalantly, she walked to the sink next to you to wash her hands before fixing her hair and makeup. Dumbfounded you watched her while waiting for your legs to follow your commands again. Jennie, however, didn’t pay any attention to you. Only when her appearance was back to her satisfaction again, she took notice of you. Her eyes scanned your body until stopping at the mess that she had left between your legs. Wordlessly, she grabbed some paper towels and shoved them into your hands.

“Clean up.”

Jennie demanded before checking herself in the mirror a last time and walking to the door.

Your body automatically straightened up and you almost yelled at her to stop. You had known that this meant nothing to her, but you still didn’t want her to leave; not yet. You wanted to hold her just for a little while longer even if you knew that it was just a lie. But when her eyes met yours, you knew that there was no use in begging. The Jennie that you had known wasn’t there anymore. Once again, she stared at you wordlessly before reaching for the door handle. No apology, no regret; she left as if you were just two strangers that had met by accident.

Tears sprung to your eyes, but this time, you didn’t break down. Your heart had gotten used to the daily torture that Jennie put you through, even if she probably didn’t know about it. She had broken your heart, but she wasn’t to blame for the agony that you were going through ever since. She had lost her way somewhere along the line of your relationship and you should have given up on her. But you had been too stubborn to accept it. You were still hoping until this day that the old Jennie would return eventually. Maybe one day she would remember all the whispered promises that you had told each other under the covers. There was no point in giving up on your hope now.

You had waited so long for her already, you didn’t mind waiting some more.

Just a little longer.

[xxcureangelxx]

5, 9, 10, 13, 20, 21, 24, 25, 28, 30-35, 38-42, 44-46, 50, 52, 54, 60-62, 66, 71-74, 86-91, 96, 100! 😊

okay I literally have no clue how old this is and if I'm even taking the questions from the right post but here goes I guess? 🙈

<u>5. What is your favorite Color?</u>

PURPLE

<u>9. How tall are you?</u>

about 1,70 meters or 5'7"

<u>10. What shoe size are you?</u>

size 40-41, I think that's about 8 in US sizes?

<u>13. What talents do you have?</u>

uhhh good question... not sure if it counts but I guess I'm quite good at a lot if things but can't do anything extraordinarily well?

<u>20. Are you religious?</u>

Absolutely not. Due to family history and a lot of other things I'm actually against it a lot but people can do whatever they feel like is right for them as long as they don't harm others with it.

<u>21. Have you ever been to the hospital?</u>

Yes, quite a lot actually. practically grew up in hospitals as a baby because of kidney issues, broke both my legs with 4 years old, had to revisit for tests a lot during my childhood because of the kidney issue. it calmed down afterwards until I was back in hospital last year because of my terrible mental health and I'm currently in a rehabilitation clinic for it as well.

<u>24. Baths or showers?</u>

Shower's because we don't have a bathtub

<u>25. What color socks are you wearing?</u>

currently none, I love going barefoot, but usually I wear white, gray or black. I know... I'm a bad gay.. no rainbow socks (;ŏ﹏ŏ)

<u>28. What type of music do you like?</u>

you know.... I hate this question with a passion even though I love music so I'll just throw in my yt-playlist here and everyone who's interested can look through it to get a picture xD not sorted in any way and not a conclusive list at all, I just add songs as I find them

<u>30. How many pillows do you sleep with?</u>

mostly just one at a time but I've got two different ones. one is the normal fluffy kinda pillow, the other is made of some kinda foam material and rather thin.

<u>31. What position do you usually sleep in?</u>

I'm always lying on the side! have been doing that since I was a baby too.

<u>32. How big is your house?</u>

compared to what? 🙈 I'd say decent size for 5 people to live in, would have space for 1-2 more if rooms were used differently but definitely not enough to comfortably live with 12 or even more people like my family used to. we've got like 3 proper sleeping rooms (one of which is the attic so not very nice in terms of heat and the staircase is smack in the middle of the room), a kitchen, a dining room, a big living room, a tiny bathroom that barely fits a toilet and shower, and the basement is a mix of storage, electrics and stuff, washing room/utility room and it's got another smaller room that's been turned back into a small workshop but used to be the room of my brother and later my grandmother.

<u>33. What do you typically have for breakfast?</u>

I guess this is where it shows that I'm german but we usually just eat bread (preferably whole grain) with cheese or slices of salami or ..meat sausage? is that a proper translation? 🤨 idk... it's rather simple really. on the weekend maybe buns and boiled eggs. on the occasion that I'm too tired for it or don't have enough time I eat cereals but it's not very common when I'm at work/school

<u>34. Have you ever fired a gun?</u>

No, and I don't want to

<u>35. Have you ever tried archery?</u>

Yes!! I did last year when I was in the hospital and it was super fun! was quite good at it as well, even for my first try 😤

<u>38. What's the longest you've ever gone without sleep?</u>

I think about 3 days? if we count "barely unconscious for a few hours" as sleep that is... otherwise no clue...my memory of the bad sleepless time is quite hazy lol

<u>39. Do you have any scars?</u>

yeah, quite a few tbh. got 2 huge ones from surgeries due to my kidney issues, well they look like 2 but it's actually multiple ones since they simply cut open party of the old ones again, tiny hooman apparently have very little skin. then I got some other ones here and there from accidents, general dumbness, etc, like when I cut through my sunday morning bun and almost cut half of the tip of my finger off because my mother sharpened the knife and didn't tell me or that time as a kid I couldn't wait for my ironing pearl pictures to be done and burned myself on the hot iron, mostly stuff like that.

<u>40. Have you ever had a secret admirer?</u>

I mean.. if they're a secret... how would I know? ;) not sure if it counts that it took me months to realize I had a crush on my best friend and the feelings were reciprocated and I was too blind to see the signs?

<u>41. Are you a good liar?</u>

Nope. People actually think I'm lying more often than I lie... so.... :/

<u>42. Are you a good judge of character?</u>

I'm.. honestly not sure what this one means? like, am I able to judge what kind of character a person has after barely meeting them or smth? if so, I'm terrible at it

<u>44. Do you have a strong accent?</u>

in german? nope. in english? hmm hard to judge since I rarely hear myself speak. I think the stuff I do know how to pronounce is mostly okay but since I learned it through reading I'm simply unsure of a lot of pronunciations. 'also'.... I can not for the life of me pronouns that word no matter how many times I hear it... it's kinda become a quirk after some classmates pointed it out to me and I'm incredibly aware how terrible I say the word but.... just can't get rid of it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

<u>45. What is your favorite accent?</u>

I.. actually really love the way my best friend talks? 👉👈 they're french btw. just... typical me for struggling to understand them though, already terrible at it in german too...

<u>46. What is your personality type?</u>

honestly, I don't think I can answer that. I'm big on self loathing and everything's pretty shitty so, no thanks

<u>50. Left or right handed?</u>

Right handed. but does it even count id I'm bad at doing things with that hand too? lol

<u>52. Favorite food?</u>

hmmmm tough question... not the biggest fan of food in general a lot of the time... probably Züricher Geschnetzeltes

<u>54. Are you a clean or a messy person?</u>

Definitely messy. my allergies did not like this post trying to clean and tidy up more often though. my depression does not like this post either

<u>60. Do you talk to yourself?</u>

sometimes. quite a bit when watching movies or if I mess stuff up

<u>61. Do you sing to yourself?</u>

barely. got a lot of bad experiences with that so i keep my singing to a minimum. my shower is a great listener though

<u>62. Are you a good singer?</u>

I was in a choir for a few years when I went to 'middle school' and I had like one solo part once but other than that I can't really say because I barely ever sing in front of people

<u>66. Do you like long or shor hair?</u>

this question is currently my absolute nemesis.. I've got suuuper duper long hair and have had it ever since elementary school and I used to be super happy with it and sometimes I still am happy with it but other days, depending on where I'm at genderwise, I absolutely hate it and I just want to take the closest scissors and cut it all off... currently haven't had the guts to look for new hair styles though... but in other people? or women more specifically? I love long hair 🥺

<u>71. What makes you nervous?</u>

Or the shorter question: what doesn't make me nervous... I'd say pretty much everything has got the potential to make me nervous. I'm an overthinker, anxiety is a big thing for me and ptsd makes me scared of almost everything. so.. yeah... sucks to be me sometimes ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

<u>72. Are you scared of the dark?</u>

Yes, very

<u>73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?</u>

I try not to but sadly I sometimes do, even if it's not my place to. I really don't like that part and hope I'll be able to learn not to sometime

<u>74. Are you ticklish?</u>

Yes and I hate it 😭

<u>86. What are you allergic to?</u>

again, easier question: what am I not allergic to... it's... a lot... like, really a lot. with the test on the skin of my arm I reacted to every single substance and the more thorough blood test lead to much of the same result. the absolute worst are birch trees (pitty, love those), then the usual pollen of pretty much every tree or flower, all animals with fur or feathers, dust and... yeah list goes on and on, you get the picture... :/

<u>87. Do you keep a journal?</u>

no.. have tried to multiple times in the past but never made it more than a week... too depressing to write and read... the therapist at the rehab clinic is currently forcing me to try a positivity diary for the millionths time, can't even get that done each day even though I'm doing it on my phone and get notifications to do it each evening...

<u>88. What do your parents do?</u>

making my life hell lol.. okay on a serious note, my father was a car electrician, he's retired by now, my mother is a housewife, she used to work different jobs before her first kid, later on she took care of my grandmother who was suffering from dementia, got some money and retirement points for that too.

<u>89. Do you like your age?</u>

I-... I don't know? it's weird because I both feel a lot younger and a lot older than I am rn....

<u>90. What makes you angry?</u>

another tough question... I actually have anger issues in that way that I'm barely capable of feeling anger... used to be worse but I already worked a lot on it in therapy so there's at least some there now... in the past I simply started to cry and felt overwhelmed by sadness whenever I was supposed to feel anger... so I can't tell very well what makes me angry because I first have to realize that I'm feeling anger or more like should be feeling it....

<u>91. Do you like your own name?</u>

Not really, no, but I guess I finally figured out some reasons why.. I've recently started going by a bit of a different name too but only my closest friends know so far and I'm not sure if I'll be using it irl at all..

<u>96. How did you get your name?</u>

I'm still trying to get my mother to admit that she named me after this song but she keeps denying it.. she's a fan of this band so it would have fit.. but she keeps saying she just liked the name, no long thought process behind it..

my chosen name is a bit of a different story. an ex friend I got to know through yt gave me that nickname almost 10 years ago after I complained that you can't make a shorter nickname out of my birthname and it's also the name of s character I like, especially his voice, and... idk it just feels more gender neutral and I simply feel comfortable with it. it just fit.

<u>100. Color of your room?</u>

same as question 5: Purple 🥰 or... well half the walls are purple, the other half is white

phew... can't believe I made it through all of these....

in case people haven't noticed yet, I'm currently kinda getting back into tumblr? I think I've already stayed a lot longer than any times I tried getting back before. it mostly started because we've got super bad wifi at the clinc I'm at rn and reddit takes up waaayy too much mobile data and... idk, I guess I just missed the vibe of tumblr

I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stick around but we'll see

[nadjastersurveys]

Randomly Random - Part 1  

Middle name? I don’t feel like revealing my middle names here.

Favorite color(s)? I like purple but every color can be nice.

What college do you want to/or are attending? I’m not attending a college/university right now and I have no idea if I ever even will.

What do you want to/are you majoring in? -

Democrat/republican/other? Other?

Birthday month? I was born in October

Do you dress according to your mood? I’m not sure, I don’t really pay attention to that lol but I dress according to the weather and where I’m going to though.

Tomboy/girlie girl I still don’t know lol. I guess mostly a bit more tomboyish.

Are you good at doing hair/make up? I don’t wear makeup and the only hairdo I do is that I put my hair up in a ponytail lol.

Do you wear glasses? No.

Can you drive? No.

Are you shy? In front of people I don’t know, but I wouldn���t call myself shy in general.

Are you always worried or stressed about something? Not always but I get stressed and worried really easily.

Tell me about your dream wedding. I don’t dream about having a wedding lol.

Randomly Random - Part 2

Do you like to sing? When I’m alone, yes.

Do you like to write poetry? I don’t think I’ve ever actually done that.

Can you swim? I can but I’m not a swimmer, so I’m not good at that.

Do you like the pool or the ocean? I prefer actually swimming in the pool. I just dip my feet and maybe legs in the ocean/lake.

Do you hate water in your face? Well no unless it gets in my eyes lol.

Do you hold grudges? Noo, I don’t feel like that solves anything.

Are you/have you ever been in love? I don’t know, I feel like I am right now though.

Do you/did you ever sleep with a teddy bear?if so who gave it to you? I have a big bunny plush toy in my bed but not a bear. My mom bought it for me haha.

Are you a very random person? I don’t even know what that means lol.

What do you do when you’re nervous? I tap my fingers on everything and just do anything with my hands.

Do you love making new friends? Yeah it’s fun because I’m not very good at getting to know people.

Do you like the twilight series? Never read/watched those.

Favorite animal? Cats.

Randomly Random - Part 3

Do you have any pets? We have two cats.

What would you name your daughter? I haven’t thought about it yet lol.

^ your son? ^

What length hair do you like in a guy & why? Whatever fits them pretty much but I’d say boys with a bit shorter hair are usually more attractive, especially like a buzzcut lol.

Do you have friends who are shorter than you? No I’m the shortest.

When you get mad do you cry? Sometimes yeah but it just depends on the thing I’m mad about.

Would you ever consider modeling? Nah.

What color eyes do you wish you had? I'm happy with my eye color but sometimes I wish for more lighter brown eyes, like amber eyes.

Silver/gold jewelry? Silver.

Do you always wear jewelry? My earrings and my nose ring are the only jewelry I wear.

Are you afraid of needles? Not really.

How many kids do you want? I don’t know yet.

Long/short nails? Short but not too short.

Do you like wearing hats? Sometimes yeah.

Randomly Random - Part 4

Do you love taking pics? Yeah it can be fun.

Do you sunburn easily? Not super easily, no.

Does mall Santa Clauses or Easter bunnies freak you out? I've never seen mall Santas or Easter bunnies haha.

Do you prefer to call a person or wait for them to call you? I like when people call me first for sure but sometimes you just have to call first.

Are you scared of crossing bridges? Those wonky bridges, yes lol but I’ve never had to cross one.

Do you have a short attention…oh squirrel…span? Yeah.

Do you hate sitting in silence but get irritated if someone talks too much? Well yes something in the middle of those two is nice.

Has anyone ever called you baby or hun? No.

What’s your favorite kind of chocolate? Milk chocolate.

Would you consider yourself clumsy? I can be pretty clumsy.

Do you hate using public restrooms? Yess I try to avoid them as much as possible.

Do you like when a guy picks you up in his arms? No guy has ever picked me up in his arms haha but sure, that would be nice especially if he’s someone I like.

Ever bought ice cream from an ice cream truck? Yes but that was ages ago.

Do you hate chihuahuas? I don’t.

Randomly Random - Part 5

Has a teacher ever made you hate your favorite subject? Nope.

Do you like hairless cats? Yeah I think they look cool and kind of mysterious.

Did you ever cry at school? Yep.

Have you ever had a poem or story published? Nope.

If you had/have a kid would you ever let them get a tattoo? Well if they’re old enough then yes.

What’s your favorite thing to have for dinner? Just something with chicken or fish.

Would you ever paint your walls red? Nah, I like them white.

Have you ever licked a pole? No lol.

Has your hand ever gotten slammed in a car door? No but my head has lol.

Are you allergic to grass? No.

Do you love guinea pigs? Yeah they’re pretty cute.

Do you prefer to write on chalkboards or white boards?   Chalkboards are nice but I wouldn’t mind writing on a white board either lol. It doesn’t matter.

What is the worst thing you ever did that got you grounded? I don’t know if I’ve ever been grounded haha. I’m not sure what that even actually means. I was sent to my room a lot when I was an annoying 7-10 year old though lol.

Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars?   I could really use a wish right now so yes.

Randomly Random - Part 6

What would you do if your best girlfriend said she was lesbian? I’d support any friend who tells me that.

Have you ever been chased by a snake? No.

Where do you wanna work? I don’t know.

Is there something you tell yourself you’re going to do but never do? There’s some things, like I’ve been meaning to watch this one movie for like 6 months now.

Has a teacher ever called you an idiot? Not to my knowledge but I wouldn’t be surprised if they did lol.

What awards have you won? Medals from dance competitions.

Do you get nervous eating in front of people? Usually no, but that has happened.

Would you consider yourself good at taking care of kids? I've never actually taken care of kids so probably not now.

How old would a guy have to be before you wouldn’t date them? Right at this age I wouldn’t date anyone older than 18.

Be honest, have you ever tried weed? No.

Has anyone ever broken up with you with a note? Never broken up with anyone before.

Have you walked into a wall? I’m sure I have.

Do you have sensitive teeth? No.

Do you sleep with a fan on? In summer if it’s really hot.

Randomly Random - Part 7

When you hear sirens, do you get afraid its someone you know? When I see a firetruck go with sirens on I always worry if it’s going to our house.

Do you often get nosebleeds in the winter? I don’t think I’ve ever gotten a nosebleed because of winter lol.

What’s a word you use to substitute for a cuss word? I don’t use substitutes for swear words lol.

What was the worst thing you ever did to get detention/suspended? I’ve had detention mostly for forgetting to do my homework.

Have you ever suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder? No.

Have you tried the new crackle nail polish? No.

Do you enjoy the “i love you more” argument? No lol.

Do you like the color yellow? Yeah I like it.

Trees are awesome! Yes? Why not.

Do you suffer from nasal allergies? I don’t.

Marrying your cousin. Yay or nay? Well, no lol.

Are you distracted by anything shiny at the moment? Ooo shiny!! No.

Has your parents ever called you names? Like mean names? No like they were trying to be mean, they were just telling the truth haha, like lecturing me if I did/do something annoying or wrong.

Have you ever seen a cat have a hairball…i have soo gross Yes.

Randomly Random - Part 8

Have you ever had a tooth pulled, i have : / No, the thought of that scares me.

Do you still watch tom and jerry? : ) I’ve never watched that but I read the comics often as a little girl haha.

Do you use your hairbrush as a microphone? No lol.

What’s your usual morning routine? I get up, go to the bathroom, brush my teeth, get some breakfast and get dressed properly if I have to go somewhere.

Do you ever get bored with something so you’re unable to finish it? Yes I get bored so easily it’s ridiculous.

Do you wanna redecorate your room? I’m happy with my room.

Have you ever worn black to someone’s house & left covered in fur? Haha yes people who have cats have cat hair everywhere around their house usually, just like our house.

What would i expect to find under your bed? Just dust lol.

If i were to walk into your room, would i be able to see the floor? Yes it’s not messy and I hate when I have stuff that is not furniture on the floor.

What is something you did when you were a kid that you still enjoy? Dancing is one thing.

Has anyone ever said they would love you forever, was it true? I don’t think anyone has ever said that to me.

Do you watch America’s Got Talent? No but I sometimes watch some clips of it on YouTube.

Do you ever sit and look at old photo albums & recall memories? Yes that’s fun.

Do you watch onision on YouTube, if not you should he’s hilarious. This didn’t age well lol. I’ve seen some of his first videos and yeah they’re pretty funny but now he’s in deep shit and so many people hate him. I feel so uneasy and weird watching his new videos also because he disabled the comments in the videos and you can’t see the likes or dislikes either.

Randomly Random - Part 9

Don’t you just hate taking showers in the winter? Noo, I like it but I like taking showers in any season.

Do you say “epic fail” a lot? I’ve never said that lol.

How personal does a question have to be so that you wont answer? In surveys? I wouldn’t tell my last name or the place i live in like the adress.

Do you ever feel like sometimes you have short term memory loss? Yes because I have really bad memory.

What if a stranger came up to you yelled BATMAN & ran away? I would jump a little because it’s something I don’t expect to happen lol.

What’s your favorite kind of pudding? Vanilla or caramel.

Did you ever run over something with a lawn mower? Never used a lawn mower.

When someone says don’t look do you look? Well sometimes.

Have you ever played spin the bottle? Once yeah.

Did you ever have a cat that was obsessed with shoes? No lol.

I believe i can fly! Ever jump off things & try to fly? I haven’t haha.

What was your first Halloween costume? I’ve never dressed for Halloween I think.

Ever have chicken pox? Yep.

Did you eat your Wheaties this morning ? What was for breakfast? I had a smoothie and crackers for breakfast lol.

[evoedbd]

She’s not Broken Part 2

SUMMERY - As Helena processes the fact that sex doesn't have to hurt, or be a powergame, Kya explains her views on Rape Survivors and Helena. She also reveals her choice title for the Witch Queen.(This can stand apart from She's Not Broken, if baby smut isn't your thing) *************************** “Helena!?” Kya yelped, pausing to untangle herself from her lover’s limbs before rushing up to her side. The graceful heights of Helena’s cheeks were flushed, glistening with the same sweat covering her body. Moonlight locks stuck across her forehead, squiggly lines like seaweed cast on the beach. Her brow was relaxed, no longer lowered over sharp, cautious eyes. Her lips were lightly parted, caressing each soft puff of air to escape them. War and death didn’t drag on Helena’s smile, didn’t stiffen her limbs. In her unconscious state Helena appeared content, peaceful in a way Kya had never seen her before... even if she was the colour of a ripe tomato. “Helena, babe? Did I make you blackout? Is this a magic thing, or am I just a vagician?” Kya joked. Of course she joked. She needed to make light of this development. Needed to forget every painful detail Helena had told her about the Queen’s abuse. Forget the evidence still lingering in every stroke of Helena’s being. Kya tried to shake it all away as she reached out to touch the Mage’s cheek. The flesh was blistering, sending off small prickles against Kya’s palm. Still, she persisted, gently stroking any erratic strand of hair she could tame behind Helena’s delicate ear. “How do you feel? Cause I feel incredible. I mean, we didn’t even break the bed or use magic rope. We can build up to all the kinky stuff... if you want! I’m just as content with snuggles instead of spankings.” When Helena didn’t instantly stir, concern struck Kya. Had she pushed too hard? Was this a blissful blackout, or something far darker? Was Helena crying behind her peaceful mask? “Helena, you’re scaring me. Are you alright? Did I hurt you? Where are you, Babe?” Kya pleaded gently, keeping her voice as light as she could as concern continued to avalanche down on her. Had this been too much? Had she triggered Helena? Had Helena just agreed to satisfy her? But how did Helena have that impression? Helena had initiated.  Helena had asked, had confirmed every step. Had pleaded for every touch. “-Just like the Bitch Queen taught her... oh god... did I just rape my girlfriend? No. No, no, no!-“ Kya was going to be sick. “It did not hurt.” Helena’s voice was small, so unlike the powerful Sorceress. It was the voice of a young woman robbed of her life. Robbed of her maidenhood and dignity for unspeakable years. A woman robbed of even her humanity. It was the voice of a victim finally realising the magnitude of what she had endured. “It’s not meant to hurt, babe. Not the way you’re thinking. I could never do that to you. I love you. Not your usefulness to me. I wanted to love your body, just as much as I love your mind and heart. I wanted you to feel loved. That’s what it’s about. Not twisted games and power plays. Just love.” Kya explained carefully yet sincerely. She continued to stroke Helena’s cheek, allowing her fingers to whisper across the cooling flesh in slow arcs. “I felt as though I was adrift in delight, with only you tethering me to this world. I feel you in my heart. Is that why it is called making love?” Helena sighed, slowly opening her eyes. They were no longer black with warring lust and magic, but a clear, contemplative sapphire. She was once again able to put all of Kya’s feelings into words effortlessly, causing the otherworldly woman’s eyes to sting with unshed tears of joy. Helena’s head naturally tilted into Kya’s affection, even as she rolled to face the younger woman with a timid, hopeful smile. “-She’s still afraid I won’t feel the same. Oh, Helena.-“ “Yeah... I think so. Helena, I’ve never felt this intensely about anyone. When I think about all you've endured, your suffering, I... just needed to make you feel how much I love you. You mean more to me than the world. Both worlds.” Kya confessed, unable to keep the words from pouring out as she snuggled into Helena. At Kya’s words, a blush formed across Helena’s cheeks, setting them aflame once more. Kya waited patiently, allowing Helena to process the moment as her fingers ran through a wild lock of white gold hair, detangling the strands as best she could before tucking them out of Helena’s face. A soft, satisfied sigh escaped the Sorceress as she allowed to sink deeper into mattress. Helena was sated, every limb tingling and heavy. Occasionally she felt a ripple through her muscles, small shivers as she recounted the tenderness. Kya had taken her somewhere she never comprehended. Had led her through the darkness with such sincerity that merely contemplating the emotions had tears forming in her eyes. Why couldn’t it have been Kya who first claimed her? Why had she endured such suffering when this pure bliss had always existed? “I was terrified of this for so long... I would die before I allow any hands on you as hers were on me! I will not allow you to fall prey to her evils, not as so many have.” Helena’s confession was soft, a whisper into the darkness. “Helena. In my world, we would call you a Rape Survivor, not prey. You are a brave, brave woman who managed to survive a horrible, horrible thing. What the Queen did to you, for so long. It was Rape. Even though you complied, it was under duress. It was an abuse of her power.” It was a risk, talking so openly when Helena was still vulnerable. Kya knew the wrong thing might cut Helena deeper than the Queen could. Might create scars that couldn’t heal. Yet, she needed Helena to know. Selfishly, she needed Helena to know how much she admired her strength. “I thought I desired it. I pleaded for her affections.” Helena’s smile faded, becoming haunted as she stared into Kya’s eyes. The Sorceress did not hide the shame in her expression. The fragments were sharp enough to cut Kya’s heart, slamming into her with a force no physical blow could match. “Because she manipulated you. It was the only time you felt anything remotely positive, and she poisoned it. It was survival instinct, Helena. You did what you thought you had to, made yourself believe what you needed in order to protect yourself, mentally, physically and emotionally. If you had said no, would she have stopped? Would she have listened?” Kya pushed. Her heart pounded in her chest, rebelling against the very idea that the Queen had once more found her way into their relationship. Helena braved her emotions, grinding her teeth for a moment as her mind drifted. Even as tears began to fall, she held Kya’s gaze, shaking her head as way of answer. “-I won’t stop if I get the chance to murderise her ass. Nobody hurts my Helena!-“ Kya mentally rampaged, taking a moment to tuck another strand of hair behind Helena’s ear. The Mage’s hair was amazing, though its length often led it to be a hazard. “I was taught a little about this. Survivors often develop sexual and mental disorders, even from a single encounter. You survived the constant abuse for years. She was your mentor, Helena. Everyone around you didn’t care. Even held you responsible. You were in the most toxic, oppressive environment possible for years, alone and repeatedly assaulted. When we met, a single touch had you acting defensive. You kept your gaze away, flinched whenever I looked unhappy, shut everything away. Couldn’t let me see you undressed in the light. You were afraid of letting me touch you at all,” Kya continued, her voice filled with the ferocity of her conviction. Her thumb brushed away the tears streaming down Helena’s cheek, flicking them to the confines of the linens. Carefully, Kya leaned closer, closing her eyes as she pressed her lips softly to the Helena’s. The Mage whimpered, pressing back as if it was her last chance to do so. Cautiously Kya’s free hand grasped one of Helena’s, who held their joined fingers to her chest like a lifeline. “You couldn’t even cry. Now, we’re laying here after you initiated intimacy, still naked, in the light. I can see all of you, Helena Klein. You’re radiant. You’re strong. The strongest, sexiest woman I have ever met. That’s all in spite of the Bitch Queen.” “I doubt she would appreciate the adaptation of her title, My love.” Helena finally responded. Her voice wavered, hitching on the small sobs that escaped. Despite the tears, Helena’s smile shone. Her expression was filled with silent awe, partnering with a fresh blush at the sincerity of Kya’s words. “Well. I don’t appreciate her going all cliché villain on the world. Or hitchhiking in my head. She can tolerate me saying it how it is.” Kya huffed, shuffling closer to Helena. The Sorceress chuckled, softly at first. Her hand lifted to her lips, almost as if to hold the sounds inside.  At this, Kya shook her head. Gentle fingers brushed under Helena’s chin, guiding her head closer. Kya leaned into Helena’s hand, pressing her lips to the knuckles as her nose tenderly booped Helena’s. “I spent long enough with her in my head to know her tolerance is so low she should come with an allergy warning. She’s clearly allergic to everything except herself. Every time I thought of you, she did her best to convince me you were not worth it. She threw a tantrum whenever you stepped beyond her ideas for you. And even with the craziness and headaches, I wasn’t scared away. The Queen can go eat something inappropriate, hopefully choke on it as well. I am irreversibly in love with you, Helena. Nothing she did to you is going to change that.” “She abused me. When I wasn’t a weapon in her games, I was her plaything.” Helena’s mouth clung to the words, barely letting them escape. Something dawned in her eyes, raiding them of their amused shine. For several heart wrenching moments, the silence hung between them, its weight pulling down like chains. Then, clarity like a sunrise. Helena’s eyes brightened, even as she pulled Kya into her chest. Soft, near silent sobs escaped the Sorceress, coming in waves with her breath as she burrowed her face into Kya’s hair. With every sob she tried to inhale, seeking the scent of home and safety. “And you survived. She cannot break you. If she tries, I’ll be here to remind you. Helena. You’re safe.” Kya’s lips moved against Helena’s collar, where she had been pulled to. Tentatively, she wrapped her arms around Helena, almost expecting a flinch in the heat of the moment. Helena’s muscles twitched, accompanied by a soft sigh of delight as the Mage simply held tighter. She wouldn’t let this beautiful woman go. Not now when her world was shattering around her, or ever. Through quiet and storm, Helena had no intentions of letting Kya drift away. No intentions of losing the light of her heart. Her love for Kya was powerful, pure and reciprocated. It made her devotion to the Queen seem hollow and worthless in comparison. The intensity of how she felt about Kya was matched by clarity. There were no shadows and murky corners she had to avoid to believe. No line she had to repeat again and again to the brink of insanity. “I should have fought back, Kya.” “You did. In so many ways, you stuck it to her. You stood up to her directly. Even now, every day that you live freely, you are giving her the biggest bird.” Kya’s voice was gentle, muffled into Helena’s collar as she cuddled closer. Helena’s tears didn’t hurt, instead they brought relief. Each droplet was years of condensed sorrow, cultivated into glistening liquid diamonds that fell into the sheets. The tears were freeing, sliding down Helena’s cheeks as joy became their motivation. She was holding the love of her life. The only love she wanted for the rest of her life, however long that would be. The Mage held Kya like a teddy bear, sinking deeper into relaxation as her tears flowed. Kya’s hand drifted to Helena’s back, which she cautiously rubbed. Her touch was firm, steady circles meant to comfort. Ridges of scar tissue and smooth textures like silk met her fingertips. For once, Kya ignored her urge to map them out, passing by them like ships in the night. Slowly, Helena’s tears began to dry, lost in the inky layers of Kya’s hair. “My love, I have a question.” the Sorceress began, earning the softest hum of acknowledgement from Kya before she continued. “What is a... vagician?”

[bing-fucker]

Chase brings his kids fishing bc that's a Dad Thing to do and imagine his surprise when he accidentally reels in a whole ass merman with a bright green tail and hair. Didn't know they lived in lakes, but this one sure does. (His ex-wife thinks the kids are just making up a story when she goes to pick them up and meets Chase's new boyfriend with bright green hair)

I've never had a dad so I honestly assumed dads taking their kids fishing was just a thing in TV shows, but I'm gonna trust you on this, kitten-

Grayson is the canon name of his younger son, while Trey is said (by the wiki) to maybe be the name of Chase's older son. Trey is eight, Grayson is five. Also I adore that Chase canonically calls his kids "sweetie" and so now he has a million and one sweet nicknames for his kids and you all can suffer-

Warnings: Fishing accidents, mentions of blood, light monster fucking, merman anatomy that I made up on the fly. As always, ask me to add any necessary warnings!

Chase was always grateful to get to spend time with his kids. Being away from them was one of the hardest things Chase had ever had to deal with. But luckily, it was summer break and Stacy was feeling generous. Chase had a whole two weeks with the kids before he had to give them back, and they were just as excited as Chase was. So Chase did exactly what he'd always wanted to do with his own dad- he rented a cabin out in the countryside by a lake, and he brought the kids.

They'd been there for three days and, for being raised by their spoil-prone mother (it was adorable, really. Stacy loved spoiling the boys in the best ways), Grayson and Trey were beyond overjoyed about the cabin. The presence of wifi probably helped that, but Chase liked to think that it was because they took after him and his wilderness exploring ways.

Breakfast went (mostly) beautifully, even though it was about two hours earlier than the boys were used to getting up. But Chase was determined. If they wanted to get good enough fish to be able to have them for dinner, they needed to start early! So Chase and the boys were up, dressed, lunches packed, and in the boat by six AM. Grayson was more sleepy than Trey was, but that was understandable since he was only five. Chase smiled softly as Grayson leaned sleepily against him. Grayson had been too sleepy to eat, so Chase had packed an egg sandwich for the little boy for when he got hungry soon.

"Daddy!" Trey exclaimed, looking over his shoulder at Chase. "Daddy, daddy, something's pulling!" Chase smiled and set his fishing pole to the side, carefully shifting Grayson to make the little one sit up properly.

"Okay, little bear," Chase said, crouching behind Trey and guiding his hands on the reel. "Remember, you have to reel for a bit, then give it some slack. Can you do that?"

"I got it, daddy!" Trey declared proudly, dancing in place as he reeled in a surprisingly big trout. "Whoa! Daddy look!"

"Whoa!" Chase gasped, looking at the fish and pulling Trey into a hug. "That's incredible, bud!" Trey giggled and snuggled into Chase's chest, giggling more as Grayson sleepily tried to join the hug.

"Daddy, how do we get the fishy off the hook?" Grayson asked sleepily.

"Well," Chase said, setting the boys to the side and carefully gripping the rod between his knees. "Trey has done really good in that the fishy has the hook in his lip, see?"

"How is that good, daddy?" Grayson asked, more alert now as he watched Chase's hands.

"Well, the fishy isn't that hurt yet," Chase explained, carefully removing the hook and setting the fish into the cooler he brought. "See, that way he stays alive until we need him!"

"Can we let him go, daddy?" Trey asked, looking at the trout. "I think he's cute. I don't wanna eat him!"

"I don't wanna eat him either!" Grayson protested, looking at Chase with the biggest puppy dog eyes alongside his brother. It really was incredible how the boys managed to look so much like their mother with dark skin and curly hair and big, bright blue eyes.

"You two, I swear," Chase laughed, shaking his head fondly. "Okay, my sweetie-pies. We can let him go." Chase kissed both of their foreheads before carefully lifting the fish out of the cooler and threw it back into the water.

And that was that for the next six hours. Chase and the boys didn't catch another thing, and Chase had pretty much given up. The boys were currently playing in the water with all fishing hooks safely in the boat so they didn't risk getting hurt. They were having fun, luckily, and didn't seem to mind that Chase had dragged them out early for seemingly nothing.

"Daddy!" Trey called, swimming back to the boat slow enough that he didn't lose Grayson. Chase grinned and lifted both boys into the boat once they were close enough, wrapping their towels around them.

"Daddy, we're hungry," Grayson declared, sitting next to Trey.

"Really? You are?" Chase replied, pulling out the lunches he packed for the boys. "Then it is a very good thing I packed these, hm?"

"I want peanut butter and jelly!" Trey said, bouncing in his seat. "With potato crisps in it!"

"Well, you can certainly put your crisps in it," Chase said, handing Trey his back. "I didn't want them to get soggy!" It wasn't true peanut butter. Since Stacy found Grayson's allergy a few years back, all tree nut products had been eliminated from both Brody households with a vengeance. Instead, it was sunflower seed butter. But Trey liked to call it peanut butter anyway.

"Roast beast!" Grayson cheered, reaching for his back.

"Roast beef," Chase corrected patiently. Chase was pretty sure Grayson picked up calling it roast beast from The Grinch. He didn't mind it, but Stacy said the other moms at Grayson's school could be vicious, so correcting him it was.

"Roast beef," Grayson repeated, joining his brother in slowly and neatly arranging his lunch on his lap. Chase shook his head fondly, watching his boys for a minute before grabbing his fishing pole and preparing it quickly before casting.

"Daddy, we saw something in the water," Trey said, trading one of his potato crisps for one of Grayson's barbecue ones.

"Did you?" Chase asked, looking back at the boys as he waited for something catch.

"Mhm!" Trey hummed. "It was pretty and shiny!"

"Yeah? What color was it?" Chase asked, grunting softly as something pulled on his pole strong.

"Green!" Trey replied. "It was bright green and blue and super shiny! Was it a fishy?"

"Well, it might've been," Chase grunted, pulling on the pole strongly. "But most fish around these parts aren't very brightly colored."

"It was a mermaid!" Grayson declared.

"No way! Mermaids live in the ocean!" Trey replied.

"Nuh-uh! They just live underwater! They can live in lakes!"

"No they can't!"

"It was a mermaid!"

"It wasn't!"

"It was a mermaid!"

Chase yelped as he suddenly pulled out something large and glittering bright green and blue. Chase yelped again when he fell back against the boat as it landed on his chest, looking down at him. It was... a man. With bright green hair and bright blue eyes and pale, powder blue skin as he looked down at Chase. Large gills slit his sides and his skin faded into glittering blue and green scales at his waist.

"Actually, boys," Chase said, laughing weakly. "I think it's a merman."

"Whoa!" Trey and Grayson exclaimed in unison.

"You hooked me!" The merman exclaimed, lifting his tail and showing off a large tear in his fin, dark red with blood.

"Oh, shi- shoot!" Chase replied squirming a bit to get out from under the merman. "Uh. I-I have a first aid kit with sewing stuff at the house, is it- can I- is it okay to take you there?"

"I suppose," the merman replied, glaring at Chase skeptically. Chase nodded and carefully helped the merman shift so he was fully in the boat.

"Uh. I-it's kinda lucky that the hook went full-way through, so we don't have to pull it out," Chase said awkwardly, taking the hook off the line and putting it in his tackle box before starting the boat up again and turning it towards the cabin.

The boat ride was surprisingly pleasant, given that the merman was probably still mad at Chase. Trey and Grayson were ecstatically curious, and the merman answered all their questions patiently. Chase gratefully docked the boat and tied it off.

"Boys, run ahead and fill the big bathtub in the master bathroom with water," he said. Trey and Grayson nodded and took off running for the nearby cabin. Chase carefully put one foot in the boat and kept the other on the dock, carefully lifting the merman up bridal style.

"Thank you," The merman said, looping his arms around Chase's shoulders and blushing faintly. Chase blushed as well, getting out of the boat and holding the merman close.

"I-I'm really sorry I hooked you," Chase said quietly.

"It's okay," the merman said. "I know it was an accident. I'm Jack."

"Nice to meet you, Jack, I'm Chase," Chase said, carrying the merman up to the cabin. "My boys are Trey and Grayson. Trey is the older one, he's eight. Grayson is younger at five."

"They're beautiful," Jack replied, smiling softly. "You and your wife must be very proud."

"Ex-wife," Chase corrected. "But we are very proud, yeah. They're brilliant boys." Chase carefully carried Jack through the cabin and up to the bathtub in the master bedroom.

"Here we go," Chase said, carefully setting Jack in the tub. "I'll be right back." He left to the kitchen to get the first aid kit.

"Daddy, he's pretty," Grayson said when he saw Chase. The boys were both on the floor, trying to clean up the water and blood Jack had dripped.

"He's very pretty, yes," Chase agreed absentmindedly.

"Are you gonna marry him now?" Trey asked.

Chase looked up so quickly he hit his head on the door of the cabinet. "What!?"

"In the fairytales, the fisherman always marries the mermaid! Or the prince does! And you're a king, so you have to!"

"Wha- I am not a king," Chase said for lack of a better reply.

"But mommy says we're her little princes, so that means you're a king!"

"But he's a merman, not a mermaid! So he can't marry daddy!" Grayson replied.

"Yes, he can, stupid!"

"Trey, don't call your brother stupid!"

"But you said that the mermaid has to marry the fisherman and prince!"

"But two boys can get married, so a merman can still marry the fisherman and prince!"

"Boys, stop! I'm not gonna marry Jack!" Chase exclaimed, face burning as he stomped back to the bathroom. Trey and Grayson both shrugged and turned back to their task.

"So. Marriage?" Jack asked, quirking an eyebrow at Chase when he entered the bathroom. Chase blushed more and sat down next to Jack's tail, carefully getting to work sewing it up.

"They read a lot of fairytales," Chase said sheepishly.

"It's adorable," Jack said, laughing and fluttering his eyelashes at Chase.

Chase blushed and looked back at Jack's tail. The rest of the time was silent and Chase practically ran from the room when he was finished.

For the next three days, Chase and the boys fell into a sort of routine with Jack. They brought him three meals a day, occasionally sat and talked with him, and otherwise went about their adventures by the lake.

After the boys were asleep, Chase carefully knocked before entering the bathroom on the night of the third day Jack had been with them. Jack had explained his tail needed a few more weeks to heal before he thought he could safely go back into the lake, so Chase had rented out the cabin for a while longer to stay with him. Of course, the boys would still need to go back to Stacy at the end of the week, but that didn't stop them from enjoying spending time with Jack.

"Hey," Chase said, smiling at Jack as he entered. "I was gonna shower, is that okay?"

"Yeah, go ahead," Jack replied, resting his head on the lip of the bathtub. The bathroom was huge- the whole cabin was huge, really. But the bathtub was right across from the separate shower. Chase had been using the downstairs bathroom for the past couple of days, but he really needed to shower now.

Chase grinned awkwardly and turned his back to Jack as he stripped and started the shower, barely waiting for the water to warm up before he climbed in and closed the glass door, internally cursing that the glass wasn't even warped or frosted to hide his body. Chase was by no means insecure about his body. He was muscular and he knew it- he took great pains to be that way, in fact. But there was a difference between showing his chest off at the gym and to friends, and in having a merman you've known for three days see your entire body as you wash. Chase could definitely feel Jack's eyes on him. He didn't even have to glance over at Jack to know that the merman was blatantly watching him wash himself. But Chase made the decision to ignore the feeling Jack's eyes on him- and the way his cock was quickly hardening at said feeling.

Chase was almost grateful when he climbed out of the shower, except that he'd forgotten a towel and now he didn't even have the illusion of the shower door to pretend Jack wasn't looking at him. Chase cleared his throat awkwardly, looking away from Jack's blatant staring at his cock.

"Are you large for a human?" Jack asked.

Chase squeaked, blushing brightly. "Jack! Jaysus! You don't just ask a dude that!"

"I'm curious," Jack said, frowning curiously. "Please tell me?"

"I-" Chase blushed and ran a hand through his hair anxiously, walking closer to Jack. "I'm a bit above average, yeah, but not by much."

"Can I touch it?" Jack asked, leaning closer.

"Can yo- What!?" Chase exclaumed, blushing somehow brighter and staring down at Jack in shock.

"Please?" Jack asked, sticking his bottom lip out in a pout.

"Jack, you know what that means, right?"

"Well, duh," Jack replied, rolling his eyes. "It's like sex or foreplay. Please?"

"I-I guess," Chase consented, carefully climbing into the tub with Jack once the merman made room.

Jack quickly shifted around to be next to Chase, resting his head on the human's shoulder. Chase's breath hitched as Jack wrapped a webbed hand around his cock, slowly stroking him. Chase moaned softly, gripping the edge of the bathtub tightly.

"Fuck, Jack," Chase moaned, licking his lips and looking at the merman. Jack bit his lip and slowly guided one of Chase's hands to a slit in the scales. Chase leaned down and kissed Jack passionately, gently rubbing Jack's slit. Jack moaned into the kiss, pulling away and panting.

"Chase," he whined, arching his back. Chase carefully slipped his fingers into the slit, moaning as Jack's hand tightened around his cock in shock. Jack pressed his forehead against Chase's, moaning and rocking into his fingers.

"There's something hard in there," Chase said softly, thrusting into Jack's hand.

"Th-that's my cock," Jack explained, kissing Chase deeply. Chase moaned into the kiss and pulled his fingers out as Jack's cock slowly emerged, the merman rutting against Chase's thigh weakly.

"Chase," Jack breathed, pulling away from the kiss. "I want you to fuck me~"

"Yes," Chase moaned eagerly, rolling over on top of Jack. Jack pulled his hand away from Chase's cock, wrapping his arms around his shoulders.

"D-do I put it in-?"

"Yes," Jack replied, whimpering desperately as Chase slowly pushed his cock into his slit.

"Oh, fuck," Chase moaned, gripping Jack's hips tightly and straddling his tail for stability as he slowly started rolling his hips.

"Hah~ Chase~" Jack moaned, thrusting his cock up against Chase's stomach weakly.

"Relax, baby," Chase breathed, thrusting in and out of Jack quickly. "Fuck, you feel so good, baby. So perfect~"

"Harder, Chase~" Jack moaned, gripping Chase's hair tightly and pulling him down. Chase leaned down willingly, moaning as Jack kissed down his throat. Chase groaned and sped up his thrusts wincing briefly as Jack dug claws into his shoulders.

"God, Jack, I'm not gonna last much longer," Chase moaned, pressing his forehead against Jack's shoulder.

"Do it," Jack moaned, draging his claws down Chase's back. "Fill me, Chase, let me feel you, please~"

"Oh, fuck," Chase moaned loudly as he thrust deep inside of Jack and came. Jack gasped, biting deep enough into Chase's neck to draw blood as he came at the same time.

Chase pulled put of Jack, flopping to the side when the merman released him. He lifted a hand to his neck, wincing slightly at the pain.

"Fuck, dude," Chase laughed breathily, wincing at the press of the tub against his back. "You did a number on me, huh?"

"Sorry," Jack apologized, resting his head on Chase's chest. "It's something merrow do." He carefully touched Chase's neck. "It's a claim mark. My way of saying you're mine."

"Oh." Chase laughed weakly. "Should I give you one, too?"

"If you'd like," Jack replied. Chase hummed and leaned down, latching onto Jack's throat and sucking a dark mark into it.

"Yeah, that'll work," Jack breathed, his still exposed cock jumping at the sensation.

"Yeah?" Chase laughed. "That feel good?"

"I think you should do it again, just to make sure." Neither of them got much sleep that night.

At the end of the week, Chase had managed to find a wheelchair and carefully covered Jack's tail, settling the merman on the front porch so he could say goodbye to the boys properly. He was wearing one of Chase's shirts to hide his gills.

"Hey, Stacy," Chase greeted when Stacy got out of the car. Chase blinked slightly. He thought Stacy hated box braids because of how long they took, but there she was.

"Hey, Chase," she replied, smiling softly. "You look a bit beat up."

"Yeah, took a few tumbles playing ball with the boys," Chase laughed, glad that Stacy couldn't see the rest of the marks Jack had left. It was unsurprisingly easy to get bruised on a bathtub. "You look beautiful. Should I be giving a guy the talk about not hurting you?"

"Ha, no," Stacy replied. "New job, I wanted to look my best."

"Oh! Congrats, that's awesome," Chase replied, nodding. "The boys will be down in a minute, Grayson is still packing."

"That's okay, I'm good to stay for a bit," Stacy replied, smiling faintly. "And who's your friend?"

"Oh!" Chase grinned. "Jack, this is Stacy, the boys' mom. Stacy, this is my boyfriend, Jack."

"It's nice to meet you, Jack," Stacy said, grinning and shaking Jack's hand.

"Mommy!" Trey and Grayson yelled, running down the stairs with their backpacks.

"Mommy, mommy, daddy took us fishing!" Trey exclaimed. "And I got a big fish! But we let it go!"

"Really?" Stacy gasped. "That's amazing, little bear! Does that mean I can send you out to find dinner now?"

"Mhm!" Trey hummed cheerfully. "I'll be a man, like daddy! But better, because daddy sucks at fishing."

"That I do," Chase agreed, sharing a look with Jack.

"Mommy, mommy, guess what!" Grayson sound, bouncing until Stacy picked him up.

"What, cutiepie?"

"Jack is a merman!!" Grayson declared.

"Really? Is he?" Stacy replied, humoring the little boy. Grayson nodded and Stacy laughed, setting him down. "Okay, baby. Say goodbye to your daddy, grandma's waiting for us for dinner."

Both boys quickly said goodbye to Chase and Jack before following their mom to the car. Stacy waved goodbye cheerfully and Chase returned it before turning to Jack.

"So. What should we do now?" he asked.

Jack looked at Chase with a smirk. "Oh, I have a few ideas~"

[purplesurveys]

883

1. What kind of textures do you enjoy most in your food? Crunchy, crispy, soft, hard, grainy, slimy, etc? I love chewing on any meal that involves rice. Born and raised with it, can’t feel full without it. I’ll give a special mention to slimy too, because I love seafood.

2. Do you keep up any seasonal decorations outside of their season? No. My mom removes our Christmas decor by late January, which is when Christmas season ends here. We don’t decorate for other holidays.

3. Can you remember the most awkward situation you've ever been in? What happened? Ugh god. Any time I’m left alone with Gab’s dad is bound to be awkward because he’s very quiet and stoic and I tend to be a vibrant, cheery people-pleaser and nothing I do will muster more than two words out of him...but our most awkward moment has to be when I was at their place and he had to leave to run some errands. I stood up and walked over to give him a hug, but for some reason the floor was slippery and I started to do the world’s clumsiest and longest stumble. As an instinct, I held on to his arm and shirt so that I wouldn’t fall flat on my face. It was terrible and nothing I could’ve done or said would’ve saved that situation. EUGH I’m wincing right now lmao

4. Can you remember the most scary situation you've ever been in? What happened? [trigger warning] Would have to be the time when my grandfather got too drunk off his ass that he physically assaulted one of my cousins, then a toddler. My aunt (cousin’s mom) is a little on the delicate and petite side and couldn’t do anything to confront my grandpa, who went on his rage for like 10, 15 minutes. Certainly felt like forever. Nothing has traumatized me more and that’s saying a lot, considering it’s been 13 years and I’ve been through tons of shitty situations.

5. Do you do anything unusual to help you concentrate? It’s not very weird but I did install an extension on my browser that would let me list certain sites (usually social media) I’d want blocked whenever I have work. I suppose not everyone has that kind of program so it kinda counts as unusual.

6. Do you ever wonder what your parents were like as children/teenagers? With my dad, yes. My mom tells me enough stories. I know her family hit a rough patch when she was a teenager and they had to sell a bunch of their stuff, including a grand piano. She went from living a comfortable life to having to skip meals in college because she only had enough money for her daily commute.

7. Do you think suicide is ever "okay?" Groan, this is so triggering. I’m not elaborating on this, soz.

8. Would you rather a close family member/close friend/significant other die of suicide or murder? Why is this? “>> I think having to deal with a murder investigation would be terribly messy and intrusive, and would add more trauma on top of what I’m already dealing with.” < All of this. You don’t always get closure with murders, too. And I would hate that.

9. In your opinion, what is the worst thing someone could ever do? Raping an infant is definitely up there for me.

10. In your opinion, what is the best thing someone could ever do? Be a positive change or impact in someone’s life. Idk, I’m easy to please.

11. Do you think about any fellow xangans outside of xanga? I’ll change the context of this question to Tumblr so I can answer it. And yes I do, sometimes. Not in a creepy way or anything; it usually happens when I encounter something in real life that I know another survey-taker likes.

12. What military installation is the closest to you? Fort Bonifacio.

13. Do you still open your windows during winter? We don’t get winter but yeah, December is the best time to leave the windows open throughout the night. It’s also a great time to be able to save on electricity haha

14. How cold is too cold? How hot is too hot? I’ve lived in a tropical country all my life so I’m a big-ass wimp when it comes to the cold, even though I love it more. I start shivering at around 23ºC. Too hot is anything reaching the 40s.

15. Would you rather lose both legs or both arms? Why? Legs. I use my hands a lot more, so it would be slightly more difficult if I suddenly had to move about without them.

16. If you committed a crime that landed you in prison for the rest of your life, but were given the option to receive the death sentence instead, which would you choose? Why? Death. I get to have the infamous ~last meal~. Lol in all seriousness though, I’d pick it because it would be a quick release for me, I guess. It’s a big reason why I’m not a fan of death penalty...it’s too easy an escape for criminals who deserve a lot worse.

17. Is there any specific album you can listen to in its entirety and enjoy every single song? After Laughter - Paramore

18. Would you rather be a famous movie star, television star, or musician? I don’t have talents that would make me succeed in any of these fields...I guess it’d be fun to be a movie star though.

19. If you are not religious, have you ever eaten dinner with a group of people that were and said grace before eating? How was this for you? If you are religious and say grace before dinner, have you ever eaten dinner with a group of people that weren't and didn't say grace before eating? How was this for you? Yes. I’m from a Catholic family, so we pray before every meal. I do a sign of the cross but barely, just so my mom sees I move my hands when we start the prayer; but I haven’t recited grace since I told myself I was going to be atheist.

20. Do you think an evil Santa or an evil Easter Bunny would make a better villain in a horror movie? I’d go with Evil Santa mostly because I have no attachment to the Easter Bunny whatsoever, and because it’d be hilarious to see a man with reindeer be mean.

21. Did you ever think any fictional story-book character was creepy as a child? Do you still think any of them are creepy? Yes. That girl who wears a ribbon around her neck still gives me the fucking creeps.

22. Would you rather wear nothing but white or nothing but black? Is there any color you'd actually want to wear head-to-toe? Black. I’ve done that many times, so it wouldn’t feel weird.

23. What physical/mental health problems run in your family? Do you have any of the same problems? I’m almost certain there are underlying issues on my mom’s side but seeing as none of us have ever gotten ourselves checked (and most of them don’t believe in mental health problems anyway) I doubt I’ll ever find out what exactly’s wrong.

24. What is your mental and physical health like right now? They are both doing surprisingly well considering how long I’ve had to stay home and how much everything has turned upside down. I’ve only had two bad breakdown in four months and I’ve since recovered from that nasty fever I got, so I can’t complain.

25. If you found a suitcase (with no information about the owner) with a million dollars inside of it , would you turn it into the police or keep it? Be honest. ;] “>> See, a million dollars is an exorbitant sum. There is no way I could just casually make off with a missing million and not suffer repercussions. It's just too much goddamn money, and in this particular scenario, it's highly likely that it's a trap of some sort (whether set for me, or set for someone else and my dumb ass just happened to stumble across it). I'm not dumb enough to try it.

Neither would I necessarily want to turn it in, because that might cause me to get involved in something I didn't want or need to be involved in. The most logical course of action for me would be to leave it the fuck alone.” < Yeup.

26. Would you rather gaze at the stars or clouds? Stars. The fact that they’re so much farther away makes them more fascinating to me.

27. Are they any foods you used to enjoy but no longer like? Are there any foods you used to dislike but now enjoy? There’s a certain brand of frozen sisig that I used to looooove and would have multiple servings of every time I had it. But I had it one too many times and now I can’t even stand the smell of it. On the other hand, I hated chicken curry as a kid, but I can’t get enough of it now.

28. Do you feel much older or younger than you are? Why? Neither. I just feel 22.

29. Did you get along with kids that were older or younger than you? I mostly got along with kids of the same age. I found younger kids too rowdy and being around older kids always felt intimidating.

30. Do you know any magic tricks? Nopes.

31. How much would life suck for you if you had a wheat allergy? A lot.

32. Are you able to watch gory scenes in movies? Why or why not? For sure. I always want to see how far FX artists can go; and if used correctly, gory scenes can be super integral to the movie. Midsommar is a really good example.

33. Do you constantly check the time? Does time seem to move quickly or slowly for you? Not anymore. I used to check it a lot while I was still in school. Sigh, I miss that life so much. Anyway, time definitely felt slower during the first few weeks of the lockdown, but now that I’m used to it days just fly by. I can hardly believe we’re nearly in the middle of July. So much of this year has been wasted. It’s miserable.

34. Would you rather live in a nice house in a bad location, or a less-than-nice house in a great location? I’m taking the great location. I don’t know if I can last living in a shady area, no matter how beautiful my house is.

35. Have you ever been a witness to a horrible crime? What happened? Domestic violence is the worst thing I can think of. I enumerated one of them in one of the earlier questions, but I witnessed several other cases as a kid.

[nikideaf]

Gave this old account a facelift because it looks like I’ll be stuck in the house a while. I mean, we all will, right? Because, pandemic. But me, I’m going to have my ass stuck in BED mostly. Some things are a bit haywire with the wiring of this here old body. 

Sigh...I don’t really want to make a big deal out of the stuff that is going on with me physically even though it IS real and it IS bad pain (and I hate that I feel defensive when I say that.) I’ve been treated with scorn and derision by my ex and his family (mostly his vile mother) about physical problems that I had. Even later on when I started to piece things together my own mother was still skeptical (and she always has been, with her perfectly average body that functions normally for her on command.) But I’m 40 now, and even though I have emotional scars from this that make me hesitate to speak out, I know my body and I know what I have. I’ve spoken to doctors and gotten real, concrete diagnosis. And my mental illnesses have been stabilized as well, for a prolonged period of time, so I can discount them as potential influences on my diagnoses.

Here is the list: 1. Asthma 2. Allergies 3. Psoriasis 4. GERD and IBD, these go together really, and then I’ve developed gluten intolerance to make a nice, lovely trifecta there. I just bloat the fuck up if I eat any refined white carbs, and I get gassy and farty. It’s not TERRIBLE really unless I combine it with some other really bad eating habits in the same meal and give myself IBD symptom flare-ups. But eating regular pasta makes me look like I gained so much weight in my face just like in 1 hour because of the bloat! I almost 100% gave up pasta because of that and it was my fave food too 😭😭😭 I haven’t had it in months. Anyway. 5. NAFLD (non-alcoholic fatty liver disease.) I don’t THINK I have this anymore; I gained a lot of weight from my meds. So I went off them with the doc’s permission and I’ve lost almost 50 lbs! This time last year he said my liver enzymes showed I could have NAFLD, which is totally curable if you lose weight the healthy way. I had metabolic syndrome, the whole deal, but I fit back into all my old clothes now, so I think it should be ok. I’m seeing my G.I. doc on the 17th so he will be able to tell me. 6. Now I have a cluster of neurological disorders. The one I’ve had the longest is migraines. Been having those forever. Now in additon I also have herniated disc(s) and currently the ruptured disc or discs is causing rather extreme sciatica. I have a pinched sciatic nerve, AND a pinched phrenic nerve, the latter of which was causing diaphragm spasms. And as a result of all this, because we could not resolve the pinched nerve situation in a timely fashion, it led to peripheral neuropathy and fibromyalgia (which my mom doesn’t believe exists, BTW. She should bring that up with my new lung doctor who understood right away when I was discussing the diaphragm spasms with her. *said rather dryly* I do admit fibromyalgia is a rather vague term but you have to start somewhere, do you not?) 7. I also developed POTS either this year or last year, I’m not sure, but at the time I didn’t know what it was. I’ve always had really bad circulation - my hands and feet are ALWAYS cold - and I’ve always loved salt, so much so that back when I was still allowed to eat ramen (WAAAH) I would put salt on it. Yeah, the flat pack ones. Not only that, but I’d salt every. Single. Bite. I probably should have taken the hint...oh and and the almost fainting thing, and the time I fell off my bed, good times *SARCASM LEVEL IS HIGH* ok, I think that’s about it.. oh wait, 8. ME/CFS, a touch of allodynia (passed that to my daughter, yikes, poor thing) and some 9. Endometriosis for good measure (lying here suffering pangs from that one now. Fucking reproductive system. I don’t need it anymore anyway) my aunt, my dad’s sister, she had that too but way worse. She couldn’t have kids and was suuuuper salty about it. She died pretty young of cancer and there was some family drama and NOBODY, NOT ONE SINGLE SOUL, NOT EVEN MY GRANDMOTHER, went to her funeral. Pretty fuckin sad.

Well, ok, so I’ve decided I’m going to leave a selfie (likely highly filtered because I would otherwise look like crap) at the end of every blog post. I know that seems a little vain, but hey, this blog isn’t for YOU. It’s for ME, because I’m finally accepting that I may be...just maybe...a #spoonie 😱😱😱 and if you can’t be vain and self absorbed and whiny and and pathetic in YOUR OWN BLOG, well then where??? I’m going to leave it open to the public for the time being because I have questions, but if I get hated on I’ll make it private. But hopefully if nothing else my pathos will be entertaining 🤪

Aight, I’m out (certainly not out of this bed, but definitely at least putting the god damn phone down) peace love and bacon 🥓

[pinetasticapple]

What if we had known each other first and fallen in love second: Mr Pigeon

Also on ffnet and ao3!

"Have you ever wondered why the English musical of "Les Miserábles" is more popular when the original is a French work and the French musical of "Romeo and Juliet is also more popular than the original English version?"

Marinette raised her eyebrow, her arms still crossed on her chest while she waited for Adrien to finish eating, although he was more interested in debating than finishing the carrot bits on his plate. Well, that settled it, she was going to strangle that mangy cat.

Adrien offered a smile and plucked one of the carrots in his mouth. He had told a little lie in order to stay around school for lunch just to watch Marinette struggling to not shake him right there in front of everyone. Oh the power to have a secret. Well, another secret. One that he was savoring to keep from Marinette as long as possible.

"Woah, why is Adrien grinning so evil? That's so not like him" Alya joined them on the table, giving Marinette her fruit on the way in exchange for the jello container Marinette had saved.

"Beats me" Nino said, who had been looking at the conversation for a while "he knows something that will happen and won't tell Marinette about it."

"Just that I'll find it interesting" Marinette took a bite out of the apple Alya had given her "and he's gloating on it!"

"How dare you Adrien, making my girl suffer" Alya patted her shoulder "but if it's information you want…"

"You didn't sneak into a locker again, did you? "

"Hey, I learned my lesson from last time" she raised her hands "but I do have some intel that principal Damocles will give an announcement in our class later on, about what? I still need to dig a little more."

"Or you could just wait five more minutes and hear it live," Adrien shrugged "I swear you'll like it."

Marinette squinted at him but gave up on trying to pry it out of Adrien. She knew by now it'd be a lost cause.

"Remind me to never get on your evil side," Nino said once the bell rang, earning another smile from Adrien.

"Oh this is not my evil side,"

"No, that one is way worse" Marinette said and walked ahead of them so the boys couldn't see her face. She had met that side once when an akuma fight happened at 4 in the morning. Adrien was not so happy about losing precious sleep hours.

They went to their seats and Marinette looked almost impatiently at the front for Mme. Bustier to arrive. Adrien did say it was going to be an announcement before class so she had to be here already. She still ignored Adrien's subtle glance at her and amused smile he threw at her.

She didn't get a chance to stare at him as the door opened with the teacher and principal Damocles arriving to the classroom.

"Good afternoon," he addressed them just as Mme. Bustier set up the projector to show a slide that said 'Design Contest', the principal speaking about the increase in school extracurricular activities to promote and incite students to do beyond the academic walls and just like that it was as if many pennies dropped on Marinette's head.

Oh that sly cat.

"You only have one day to work on your fashion piece and it must be your own design," the principal looked at the class "and tomorrow first thing in the morning your finished presentation will be judged by none other than the great fashion designer Gabriel Agreste, the father of our own student Adrien Agreste."

There were many sounds and gasps floating in the classroom, but Marinette's mind was already checking all her ideas and projects. As much as she disliked Adrien's father in how he was with his own son, a part of her was still at guilt in admiring the man as a fashion designer, a leader in the field.

"In fact, Adriel will model the winning design in his next photoshoot!"

Oh, Marinette knew his measurements by heart from countless cosplay requests. Most of them hidden in Marinette's room because if Adrien's father ever found out well, that would be disastrous.

Hm, Marinette had to rethink her perspective on Gabriel Agreste again.

"And now to announce this year's theme: derby hats!"

Adrien tried not to snicker. Why on earth would they choose that to begin with? But he was glad to have kept it a secret. He knew first hand Marinette was more than good when it came to fashion and this contest was like the perfect fit to her. Oh he couldn't wait to see what his father would say about her designs. Not like he could show him beforehand because the possibility of him thinking it to be biased since Marinette was his friend.

He was practically feeling her energy buzzing from behind and he couldn't wait to see what she would come up with, even if it was something like a bowler hat.

At least it's not a fedora.

The class went on as normal as it could be, with Adrien staying behind to pack his stuff while Marinette nearly ran to the locker room, no doubt to pick her sketchbook.

"So, you going to give it a go?" Adrien asked Nino on his way out, smiling at Nino's face.

"Oh no, fashion design is not my thing" he pointed at where Marinette and Alya were "leave that to Marinette."

Adrien smiled and looked at his friend pacing front and back in front of Alya, babbling something he couldn't quite understand from where he was. Well, time to go do some reassurance.

"Liked the surprise?" Adrien leaned against the wall just as Marinette jumped out of the bench in surprise. For a superhero Adrien enjoyed sneaking up to her like this.

"I'm going to fail so bad" she rubbed her face "and this is how my career ends without even beginning."

"Oh come on" Adrien patted her shoulder "your designs are amazing! You totally have a chance in this."

"You really think so?"

"Cross my heart" he smiled "I can't wait to see what you come up with."

He waved at the girls goodbye and went on his way back home to his piano lessons. Adrien was pleased with how it had gone and he was honest when he said he couldn't wait to see the project Marinette would bring to the table.

He also knew it was best not to bother her until she was done so he just dedicated himself to practice and then work on his assignments, only to find out the latest akuma that was terrorizing the city.

"Pigeons have taken over Paris,"

Say what now?

Adrien looked at the news, baffled at the amount of pigeons that surrounded the buildings, the streets, even on the Eiffel tower.

He looked at the akuma, Mr. Pigeon, calling out the city in name of the blasted birds and Adrien was seriously wondering if Hawkmoth was that desperate or plain bored.

"This is going to be a nightmare" Adrien stood up, already dreading the idea to go after this particular akuma. He transformed and jumped out of the window, making his way to the Eiffel tower across the rooftops when he heard Ladybug's voice.

"Now this is weirder than weird,"

"Birds of a feather flock together," he smiled, only for his nose to itch as a jet pigeon flew above them, sneezing so hard he ended up rolling off the rooftop.

"I'm allergic to feathers" he rubbed his nose, already feeling his eyes watering.

"That's helpful" Ladybug offered him a sympathetic smile.

"Hah, tell me about it" Chat sniffled "so much for surprise attacks this time."

"We could always run to a pharmacy and get you antihistamine- "

"Nah," Chat shook his head "feather allergy isn't that common and we don't want people to put two and two together, I'll be fine, besides, we have more important things to deal with."

He caught up Ladybug with what else was happening, both coming up with a plan to lure Mr. Pigeon –he still was not used to that name- towards them and deal with the akuma.

Which ended in Chat with a police cap at the park.

"An uniform would have been better," Chat glanced at the tree Ladybug was using to hide.

"Just act like a park ranger or something."

"This park is way too small to have a ranger" Chat snickered, soon bored from standing still.

"So," he glanced at Ladybug "how's the project going?"

"I'm missing some parts but I will have it ready" she grinned "but don't think I won't forget you keeping this secret from me."

"You wound me bug" he placed his hands on his chest "and here I was thinking I had done a good de-a-achoo!"

Ladybug turned to see a giant ball made entirely of pigeons surround Chat, the poor cat sneezing as the pigeons lifted him up and away from the park.

"Hey!" she chased after the ball, leading her to the top of the Grand Hotel, where even more pigeons waited on the rails and parasols.

"You know, this is how a horror movie can start,"

"You are not making me watch a horror movie" Ladybug glared at the pigeons, her yo-yo at the ready. The cooing was unnerving and there was no sign of Mr. Pigeon anywhere nearby, she couldn't help but think they had fallen into a trap.

And she hated to be right when a whirlpool of pigeons surrounded them, blocking the sight of the giant cage that fell on top of them, trapping them for good.

"This is just grea-choo!" Chat sniffled "I hate birds."

"Too bad you can't eat them," Ladybug glanced around "look!"

They glared at Mr. Pigeon throwing the usual villain monologue of demanding the miraculous from them, only this time they were surrounded by pigeons who were all ready to throw…

"Ew no" Chat's voice sounded stuffy already "no thank you."

"Chat, the bars!"

Chat didn't need to hear it twice as he summoned his Cataclysm to destroy the cage. His eyes were really watery but they barely managed to escape the sudden swarm of pigeons launching at them, the blunt too hard to dent a metal door.

"Is it wrong that I don't feel bad for the blasted birds?" Chat wiped his nose for the umpteenth time "they'll be fine after you cast the cure."

"Don't be mean to the birds" Ladybug helped him up and pointed at the stairs so they could get out of the hotel.

Chat ran behind her, the beeping in his ring growing insistent.

"I have to find a place to hide before my identity is reveal,"

"Yeah" Ladybug couldn't help but to grin "you wouldn't want to let the cat out of the bag."

Chat squinted at her. Oh, he so understood the timing of the situation.

"Ha, ha, very funny."

The lobby was packed with panicked guests and the mayor, but Ladybug could only stare amused at Chat sneaking his way to a suite in order to feed his kwami. She wasn't going to admit it but sometimes the akumas provided funny situations for her to witness.

Even if this one was scaling up the ridiculous list.

"Why are they all flying to the same direction?"

The ding of the elevator made her turn to see Chat ready to continue their fight.

"So we know he's taking all the park keepers somewhere" Ladybug said as they took a lower route.

"Bird food perhaps?"

"That would be too gross," Ladybug looked at the feather trail that led to a big building, both sticking to the wall to observer.

"The Grand Palais?" Chat frowned "I guess if he wanted a big cage this could be i-a-a"

Ladybug plucked his nose before he could let out a sneeze. The last thing they needed was for them to be caught.

"Let's get this over with" Chat stepped forward only to be held up by Ladybug.

"Ah, it's too easy" she squinted at the gate "we don't want to end up caged again, come on" she pointed to the other side "I have a plan."

It was a good plan, Chat never doubted Ladybug's plans, no matter how farfetched and crazy they ended up sometimes, they always seemed to work out. The problem this time, as Chat would later point out, was his damn allergy that blew up the element of surprise.

The fight was pretty much nonsensical for some, for Chat it just felt like a regular Thursday. But oh was he glad when she finally casted the cure above them, sending the blasted pigeons away from him and giving him a chance to breathe.

"Pound it!" they smiled as their fists bumped.

"Ahh!" she suddenly gasped "I have less than twelve hours to finish that hat!"

"Go, go" Chat smiled at her and made his own way back. He made sure to take a long hot shower to clear out his nostrils and waited until it was late to transform again and pay a late night visit to Marinette.

Chat jumped across the rooftops, happy after a well won fight, and not surprised to see lights coming from Marinette's room despite being almost midnight.

He landed without making a sound and gave a few taps on the trapdoor to announce his arrival. Even if he knew Marinette would be in the zone, he had to make sure she was not going to push herself too hard.

"Chat," she blinked surprised to see him "what are you doing up here?"

"Well buginette, it is quite late and you should be sleeping."

Marinette rolled her eyes but went back down to her room, leaving the door open for him to sneak in.

This was something they didn't do that frequently, what with risking too much of their identities if they frequented each other while one was with the mask. But Chat was curious and this was a special occasion. At least that's what he told himself.

He saw pins and cardboard on the floor, pieces of fabric and loose thread in a pile near her sewing machine. And on the desk was the masterpiece, or at least Adrien thought it was.

"I'm having a struggle with it" Marinette slumped on her chair and showed him the original design "if, and this is still a big if, I win and you model this you will be sneezing nonstop and then the shoot will be ruined and they are going to hate me for ruining hours of work and-!"

"Woah, woah" Chat held her shoulders "I think we can agree that when you win we can solve my allergy out, it wouldn't be the first time I had to use a feather somewhere, we can use synthetic ones!"

"Your dad will certainly think less of the hat if I do that."

"But you can keep the original for the showing and then switch it for me to wear" he smiled at her but noticed her eyes still looking at the hat "Mari… do you regret entering the contest?"

"W-what?" Marinette turned her eyes to him "what makes you say that?"

"It's just…" he rubbed the back of his head "I can't help but see you worrying and maybe this was too much pressure?"

He was surprised to feel Marinette holding onto his hand, squeezing it tight as she gave him a small smile.

"Chaton," she looked at their hands "thank you for worrying about me but" she sighed "you know me, I over think almost everything."

"Hm, yeah" he shrugged "but they turn out into great plans, like today."

She giggled.

"I appreciate you worrying over me" Marinette hugged him "and you know what? You're right, I was worrying too much over this detail. If you say it'll be fine for the showing, I can keep the feather on it."

Chat responded to the hug, his stomach suddenly feeling funny inside him. Huh, maybe he shouldn't have had chicken salad for dinner.

"Alright!" Marinette pulled away and smiled "I still need to finish the embroidery so- "

"R-right!" Chat smiled back "do you need me to wake you up?"

"I'd gladly appreciate it just in case" Marinette waved at him as Chat climbed up the ladder to the trap door "but no singing."

"I could start right now, one more day before the storm~"

"See you in the morning Enjolras" Marinette rolled her eyes and swirled back on her chair to work on the hat.

Chat waved and closed the trapdoor to make his way back home. He didn't indulge in why the weather suddenly felt warmer than when he had left.

The next day arrived and he was nervous for the contest, even if he wasn't participating at all. When he reached the courtyard he saw some of his classmates that had decided to join and work on quite interesting designs. He even saw a steampunk one and he was tempted to try it on.

Adrien waited next to the principal while Nathalie arrived to introduce herself, holding the tablet that had the camera showing his father from his office. Part of Adrien was disappointed he wasn't here in person but it was better than nothing. He looked at the end where Alya was trying to call Marinette to not avail but he knew she was on her way.

Him blasting 'Do you hear the people sing' as an alarm was proof enough of that.

In fact, just as they were observing the steampunk hat that Adrien saw her dashing past them towards her stand, holding her precious hat with care. He still let out a sigh of relief.

Too bad it was short lived as he saw Chloe's entry for the contest. An exact replica of the hat Marinette had designed. He looked at Chloe and shook his head. There was no way he was going to let her get away with it, especially when his father noticed the fact they were the same.

"I apologize for the situation Mr. Agreste but I can prove that this derby hat is my original design," Marinette said with a tone of voice that reminded Adrien so much of Ladybug he thought he didn't have to say anything after all.

He smiled in delight as Marinette showed off her work, without stuttering or tumbling in her words, even showing the stitching that he had seen her working on during the night, that revealed nothing else than her name when turned upside down.

Adrien was proud of her.

"Very exquisite creation, you definitely have the laboring hands of a hat maker miss…"

"Marinette" Adrien provided, standing next to her with a smile as he watched her eyes go wide at being announced the winner of the contest.

"What about we celebrate with a crepe" Adrien said once Nathalie and his father left, him and Marinette the only ones left in the courtyard.

"That sounds great, but" she looked at the hat Chloe had brought and picked it up "can't believe she would try to steal my work."

"It wasn't correct," Adrien sighed "but we can also say imitation is the sincerest form of flattery… it's going to take a lot with her, isn't it?"

"Adrien" Marinette looked at him "it's not your job to fix Chloe."

"I know," he frowned "but I guess I can't give up on her yet."

To his surprise Marinette only placed the hat on his head, having removed the feather from it to avoid him sneezing.

"I'll hold your bargain on that crepe after class" she offered a smile "now come on derby boy, you don't want to be late."

Adrien tipped the hat and walked with her to the classroom.

[megalony]

Mother dearest- Part 2

This is the second part to my Ben Hardy fic which I hope everyone enjoyed that is based on a previous imagine I did and the tv show The Act. I may do another follow-up part, I’m undecided about that yet.

Taglist: @lunaticspoem @butlegendsneverdie @langdonzvoid @jennyggggrrr @luvborhap @radiob-l-a-hblah @rogertaylorsbitontheside @chlobo6 @rogertaylors-lipgloss @sj-thefan @omgitsearly @luckytrashgooprebel @scarsout @deaky-with-a-c @killer-queen-ofrhye @bluutac @vousmemanqueez @jonesyaddiction

Part 1

Enjoy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Where on Earth have you been?!"

(Y/n) closed her eyes as her shoulders tensed at the tone her mother was shrieking at her in. She slowly closed the front door behind her, wanting to simply rest her weight against it and collapse to the floor in a heap.

Ben had offered when he brought (Y/n) back to come inside with her either for support or to calm her down. He didn't want to leave her here with her mother when she was in such a state. (Y/n) had stayed with Ben the previous night and he had tried his best to help her and calm her down but the longer the night went on the more (Y/n) seemed to get upset.

Her mother had lied to her.

(Y/n) ate some chocolate, a biscuit, had a few spoonfuls of sugar in a very milky coffee and all that happened was she was sick. She wasn't allergic to sugar but now that she hadn't had much at all for over four years, her body was becoming intolerable to it. Her mother had ruined her metabolism, made her sick more times than she could count and had her on a diet that had made her ill and very skinny for nothing. She had lied to (Y/n) for years because she wanted something wrong with her so she could keep her at home and continue to 'care' for her.

This made (Y/n) think that if her mother had lied about this to her, what else had she lied about?

Had (Y/n) really needed all of those operations on her eyes? Did she need her salivary glands removed when she was seven? She knew she had epilepsy when she was little but her mother still made her take the medication for it, does she actually need to take the medication that stops her from being able to drive? The medication that often made her sick and had ruined three of her teeth when she was younger. Did (Y/n) really need the medication for her stomach or was she simply feeling ill due to her mother cutting out sugar in her diet?

Did (Y/n) actually suffer from sleep apnea when she was younger and did she have sleeping problems now or was she being dosed on medication for the sake of it?

Finally opening her eyes, (Y/n) looked up at her mother who was speeding towards her now. Concern mixed with anger was plastered on her face as she rested her hands to (Y/n)'s shoulders only to have her daughter shrug her away. (Y/n)'s head was pounding from the constant questions and worries floating around in her mind.

She had spent last night in Ben's arms going through everything but it only made her feel worse. Now she was home and able to get the answers she needed, (Y/n) didn't know if she actually wanted them or not. This was her mother, the woman who had said it was her purpose to care for (Y/n). This was her mother who had taken her to the hospital, gotten her the medication she apparently needed. Who knew when to give her the medication, who knew what foods she liked that she could actually eat. Her mother who loved her and cared for her all of her life.

If everything about her medical history had been a lie then that made most of (Y/n)'s life false. It made her ill for no reason and made her suffer and be held back for no reason at all except her mother's uncontrollable need to be wanted. It meant (Y/n) didn't actually know her mother as well as she thought she did. It made a hatred grow inside (Y/n) for her mother.

"I've been with Ben." (Y/n) responded, no emotion to her voice as she stared at her mother through tortured eyes. Pushing her weight off of the front door (Y/n) barged past her mother with the little strength she had left, aiming for the kitchen.

"All night?! I don't know what's gotten into you (Y/n) but this is not acceptable- what are you doing?" Her mother stopped in her tracks when (Y/n) suddenly took an apple and taken a rather large chunk out of the fruit she was never allowed. The fruit that had sugar in which would apparently flare up her allergy. (Y/n) wasn't sure if she really liked the taste or not, there were so many foods and drinks that she could try now that she knew she could have them. But at the same time she couldn't go and stuff herself with sugar because her body had done without it for years, she would have to gradually get used to it and that was all because of her mother.

"You lied to me. I'm not allergic to sugar." (Y/n)'s words seemed to go in one ear and out the other as she watched her mother hurriedly rummage around in the cupboard to her right which contained plasters, bandages, medications and her spare EpiPen.

"Oh, you stupid girl! That boy has twisted your head, of course you're allergic, we're going to have to go to the doctors again." She mumbled the last part to herself as she reached out to grab (Y/n)'s arm. Her patience wearing thin when her daughter shrugged her away. (Y/n) hit out at her mother when she roughly pulled her arm to try and stab the EpiPen into her arm for the adrenaline that she didn't need. (Y/n) had eaten sugar last night, she had eaten far too much for her system and threw it back up but she wasn't allergic.

Reaching her hand out, (Y/n) grabbed the EpiPen from her mother and threw it to the floor. Her eyes were beginning to burn with acidic tears that were falling from her features as she stared at her mother with a burning fury.

"Stop it." (Y/n) whispered lowly, almost snarling at her mother as she didn't receive a response. Her mother seemed to be shocked in place, unsure what she was meant to do now she had clearly been caught. "I don't need glasses, I'm not allergic to sugar. Tell me what else you lied about." Her mother seemed to take a moment to blink as she came to the realisation that (Y/n) wasn't wearing her navy blue glasses like she normally was.

(Y/n) had thought last night that if her mother could lie about any of her conditions, had she lied about needing glasses too? She had always been told that the operations on her eyes had made her sight a bit better but she needed the glasses to keep her vision corrected. Last night (Y/n) took them off and tried to read a book or just walk around without them. She could read a book, she could watch tv and she could walk around with perfect vision without the glasses sitting on her nose. This was only more proof that she had been lied to all of her life and (Y/n) had an awful feeling that she was actually perfectly healthy meaning all of her life was a lie.

"Now listen to me. That boy has put ideas in your head. Your vision is better now but you need those glasses to keep it that way, you have always been allergic to sugar... maybe your just beginning to tolerate it now. Stop acting out like this. We'll forget you sneaking out and disappearing to be with this boy but this is the only time. You do not see him again."

Something horrid seemed to come over (Y/n). She didn't know what it was but she had never felt such a feeling of anger and pure hatred in all her life. The apple that was beginning to get crushed in her hand was suddenly launched at the far wall, splattering its juice up the wall and letting chunks of soggy apple fly out and slide down the wall. A sob escaped her lips as she kicked her foot out at one of the cupboards beside her.

This was not fair. This was not how things were meant to happen. (Y/n) should have had a childhood like Ben did. She should have been able to go out and make friends, go to school full time, not have to live in a hospital. She should have been able to eat sweets and chocolate and fruit and normal bread and desserts. She shouldn't have been put on a diet for no reason or had all of those appointments or operations for what seems to be nothing. (Y/n) is eighteen, she should be able to go out with Ben and be and feel normal but her mother wasn't allowing that.

"If you've lied to me about anything else, I will never forgive you." (Y/n) didn't have the strength to fight her mother on this when it seemed that all her mother was going to do was lie to save her own skin. (Y/n) could find out the truth in other ways, she didn't need to try and get her mother to tell the truth when she was so desperate to guard it and keep it secret.

Spotting her phone on the counter near to her mother, (Y/n) took it on her way out of the kitchen as she headed upstairs. Knowing her mother thought she was backing down like she always did.

(Y/n) couldn't stay here knowing what her mother had done all her life, she couldn't continue to be here and be treated like a sick child younger than she actually was. Being told to sit and play or go to her room or having timed medication for things she didn't need. Her mother was going to treat her like a baby and she didn't want to be trapped with no escape. (Y/n) wanted to be away from the house that was becoming a locked cage to her. Ben's mother said if ever she needed, (Y/n) could stay with them if things got complicated at home and that was the only option (Y/n) had.

Her mother had isolated her from any of their family since she was a baby, she only had two friends and Ben. She had no other friends or family and knew no one else who could get her out of this situation. Ben was her lifeline and all she could do was hang onto that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey baby, how's it going with your mum?" Ben's tone was gentle yet understanding. He had been waiting all night for a text message or a phone call from her to say that she was alright or she needed picking up or that something had happened. He had mulled over everything in his head and had even talked to his mother about it and all he could come up with was the same conclusion that there was something up with (Y/n)'s mother.

To fake your child's illness in such horrific ways was uncalled for and unheard of. Ben didn't like the thought of (Y/n) being back at home with her mother who was clearly manipulative in case something happened. And the longer he didn't hear from (Y/n) the more worried he became.

"Can you come get me?" (Y/n)'s mother had always played up on her epilepsy, sometimes she had said (Y/n) had seizures in her sleep and so she was kept on medication and this meant that she couldn't learn to drive. That was also good for her mother because it meant (Y/n) couldn't leave if she was mad or angry or simply wanted to escape. She had successfully trapped (Y/n) at home until she met Ben who had his own car and could drive.

"Sure, has something happened?" She could already hear the blond moving about, probably going to get his keys and shoes to head for her now.

"I'm scared... mum's trying to give me meds and she gave me more sleeping pills than I normally take last night. She's not letting me out of her sight, I want to leave."

When she had been in her room her mother had come up with a small handful of pills for her stomach and epilepsy and last night had given her some sleeping pills too. (Y/n) knew she had been handed more pills than she needed and so had placed them into her mouth, drank the cup of water and when her mother left she quickly spat the pills out and flushed them down the toilet. Her mother was dosing her on medication she didn't need. She had given her more sleeping pills to knock her out in case she tried to leave during the night.

"You didn't take them, did you?"

"No, she's acting like I'm still ill a-and she doesn't want me to see you-" Ben could hear the panic and fear in his girlfriend's voice and it brought tears to his eyes. She was afraid for her safety because of her own mother, that was something no one should ever go through and it was something that (Y/n) had never had to worry about before now.

She had been so close to her mother before and now she was seeing that the world wasn't the way she had been told it was. She was seeing her mother's true colours and Ben knew that was going to affect her much more than it would for anyone else.

"Alright, calm down sweetheart. I'm leaving now, I'll be ten minutes I promise just hang on 'til I get there." Ben hushed, trying to keep his tone level as he headed out the front door, pushing his phone into his pocket when (Y/n) mumbled a quick response. She needed Ben to come and get her now before something happened with her mother who was getting increasingly worrying for (Y/n). She was being sickly sweet to (Y/n) but there was a threatening aura about her that was setting her on edge.

Her mother was going back to acting as if she was a child and nothing was wrong between them. She seemed to have a reset button and was continuing to act like (Y/n) still had all of her medical problems that they both knew were all false. She had caught (Y/n) having a jam sandwich and scolded her because jam had sugar in. Out of fear, (Y/n) had put the sandwich in the bin because her mother had gone to grab the EpiPen. She was willing to keep dosing (Y/n) with adrenaline for no reason whatsoever which could have harmed her body over the years.

Grabbing the binder sat in front of her, (Y/n) got to her feet, stuffed her phone into her bag and slung it on her shoulder. She couldn't hide up here and wait for Ben to turn up, she needed to wait downstairs or even out in the street so her mother couldn't prevent her from leaving.

(Y/n) paced up and down the hallway for a few moments before slowly descending down the stairs, trying to prolong the time so she could get outside when Ben arrived. It never took him long to get here but today the minutes were turning into hours. When she reached the bottom of the stairs, her head turned in the direction of her mother who was just walking out of the living room, stopping in her tracks when she saw her daughter.

"What are you doing, honey? Why have you got my binder?" Her tone started in the same usual sickly sweet way before her words were more spiteful, more dark and humourless when she noticed the pink and blue striped binder in (Y/n)'s arm.

"You lied to me about everything, how can you expect me to stay when I know what you're doing?" (Y/n)'s tone was heartbroken as she watched the sorrow, fear and anger run around in her mother's eyes. The binder was all the proof (Y/n) needed to know that her life was a lie that she had been fed. It showed her medical history and all the procedures and appointments she had. Each one said that her mother said she had vision problems, her mother said she was epileptic and having fits in the night. Her mother told the doctors that she had stomach problems, that she needed her salivary glands removed. Her mother said she was allergic to nuts and sugar. Her mother told them everything that was wrong with (Y/n) and they went along with it.

If a doctor didn't do what she wanted she went and found one who would and (Y/n) hadn't known. All her life she had thought her mother knew best, that she knew what was wrong with (Y/n) and how to deal with it but she hadn't. She had played everyone to get what she wanted. She wanted sympathy for caring for a sick daughter who was never going to leave because she needed constant care.

"I told you to stop this stupid game. Give that to me and go to your room-"

"To do what? Play happy families with a lying, cheating, vicious mother and act like I'm eight? I don't want to be near you anymore." How could her mother think she would give in? That she would simply go upstairs like a scolded child and live out the rest of her life pretending to be sick.

It was as if on cue that there was a knock at the door and (Y/n) didn't have to open it to know that on the other side it was Ben. He hadn't sat in the car like usual, he had been more on edge than normal and he knew that if (Y/n) didn't run out of the house to get to the car straight away he should knock on the door to check on her. Both (Y/n) and her mother locked eyes for a split second as one was confused and one was relieved about the person on the other side of the door.

Pressing the binder closer to her chest, (Y/n) turned and unlocked the door within a split second. The door only just opening to reveal Ben before a gasp left her lips, her head jolting backwards when she felt her mother grasping her hair to pull her back.

(Y/n)'s elbow flew into her mother's stomach, successfully winding her which caused her to stumble, pulling (Y/n) with her until her daughter fell to the floor. The binder crashed into her chest before slumping to the floor beside her as a groan escaped her lips, each bone crashing to the wooden floorboards causing shockwaves to rocket through her. Shaking her head to try and stop the sudden dizziness, (Y/n) managed to make out her mother shouting at Ben, clearly knowing who he was but not wanting him here.

She tried to tell him that (Y/n) was fifteen in a feeble attempt to shock him into leaving but he simply scoffed. Hitting her hands off his arm when she tried uselessly to get him out of the door again. Leaning over, Ben quickly slipped his arms around (Y/n)'s frame and hoisted her to her feet as she scrambled to grab the binder. Everything happening in a split second as Ben pushed her behind him, holding his arm out to keep her out of the firing line of her mother as he backed them both out the door very quickly.

"Get in the car." He whispered the words sternly in her ear, his hand pressing to her lower back as he nudged her to hurry because he could feel her mother trying to grab his shirt to stop him.

When both of them were in the car Ben wasted no time hitting the lock button on the dash, his frame jumping at Katie who was hitting the door and window so harshly he wouldn't be surprised if she put her fist through the glass. (Y/n) curled up in her seat, pulling her knees up to her stomach as she clasped the binder very tightly to her chest. Tears burnt into her features like droplets of acid her she tried to stop her chest from quivering but it was useless. She couldn't help but let out small sobs or her body shaking.

Neither of them said anything to one another on the short drive down to Ben's house. When Ben pulled up in the drive, he turned to look at (Y/n) as she was leaning her head against the window and he thought she was going to start rocking back and forth at any moment.

"Baby... talk to me." When Ben gingerly reached out to take her hand she didn't pull away. (Y/n) slowly turned her head to look at Ben, her eyes glassy and dull as tears were distorting her vision.

"S-she lied about everything." Letting go of his hand, (Y/n) set the binder on his lap. Watching as he narrowed his eyes in confusion before he started to look through the rather large binder that was full to the brim with medical notes and papers and signed documents. "I'm not allergic to sugar, I d-didn't need my salivary glands out... my vision is fine, she gave me meds for my stomach but I was fine. I haven't had an epileptic fit in years b-but she gave me the meds and they ruined some of my teeth."

Ben felt the urge to be sick as he looked through each document in the file. It showed how many times Katie had taken (Y/n) to the hospital and how every time, the doctors believed her when she said something was wrong with (Y/n). They didn't do many tests to prove this, they just accepted and did whatever treatment or gave whatever meds Katie wanted.

Closing the binder without looking all the way through the files which would take hours, Ben turned so he was better facing (Y/n). He swiped his thumb over her cheek, gently brushing away some of the tears.

"She can't lie to you anymore sweetheart. You're staying with me, she can't hurt you anymore." Ben continued to brush away the tears as he pressed his lips to hers. He wouldn't let her mother abuse her or hurt her anymore, as long as she stayed with him he would do everything he could to make sure she would be alright.

[sshbpodcast]

Tales from the Holodeck: DS9 Fanfic: Chris’s Teleplay

In celebration of A Star to Steer Her By’s fourth anniversary, we did what pretty much all theaters are doing right now and put together a little Zoom reading. This time around, our latest fanfics in our “Tales from the Holodeck” series are all Deep Space Nine teleplays that you can listen to us cold read here (this one starts at 1:05:58), complete with really dodgy attempts at accents! Follow along with Chris’s teleplay below or read with your friends with your own dodgy accents!

[images © Paramount/CBS]

“Day Trip”

By Chris

Random pick: Bashir

[The DS9 replimat. Garak and Bashir sit at their usual table. The doctor is just wiping his mouth and tosses his napkin casually onto his plate]

Bashir: Well, I’d best be on my way.

Garak: Yes, both of us back to our stitching. The usual time tomorrow?

Bashir: Of course. [beat] Oh, but not the day after.

Garak: Oh?

Bashir: I’m...well, the Chief has been trying to get me to visit Bajor with him and I’ve finally run out of decent excuses not to.

Garak: Excuses? Why, Doctor, I thought your friendship with Mister O’Brien was second only to ours.

Bashir: He wants to go kayaking.

Garak: Ah.

Bashir: Exactly. He somehow manages to injure himself during holosuite kayaking, and that has safety protocols! I dread to think what the real thing might do to him.

Garak: Has he ever gone kayaking outside of a simulation?

Bashir: He says he used to fairly frequently before he joined Starfleet.

Garak: But that was…

Bashir: Over twenty years ago, yes.

Garak: Well. Thank goodness he’s friends with a Doctor. Enjoy your trip. Hopefully you’re wrong and it won’t turn out to be a...what was that charming expression? A busman’s holiday!

Bashir: I sincerely hope so.

[The side of a quickly-rushing river, day. As we pan across the scene we start seeing bits of flotsam and jetsam, equipment, and before long an overturned kayak. Sprawled nearby is Bashir, unconscious, bleeding from a cut on his temple]

Opening credits

[The riverside, where a groaning Bashir slowly comes to. He gets to his feet, glances around for a few moments, lifts kayak and finds nothing]

Bashir: Chief? [pause, then louder] Chief?! [goes to activate commbadge, sees it’s not there] Damn.

[Bashir begins picking up equipment, throws away a few pieces after a brief inspection. The rest go in a small, metal valise. Looks around a bit, then begins walking]

Bashir: Chief?! Chief, can you hear me! Damn it…

[suddenly, a low growling can be heard. Julian stops dead and glances around. From a tree line a wolf emerges. But, you know, a Bajoran wolf. Maybe it has a bumpy nose or antenna or one of those wacky earrings, whatever]

Bashir: I knew we should’ve brought phasers…

[the wolf barks and leaps, Julian throws his arms in front of himself. Suddenly, a high-pitched “thwip” is heard, the wolf lets out a quick, brief whine, slams into the Doctor and the two go down in a heap]

Bashir: I...rather expected mauling to hurt more.

[Bashir pushes the wolf off himself, revealing an arrow having pierced its neck. He glances around, and a Bajoran woman can be seen at the treeline, holding a bow with a second arrow ready to be nocked. Her clothes are unlike any Bajoran outfit we’ve seen before, seemingly made of skins with obvious hand-patching and repairs scattered throughout]

Bashir: I suppose I’ve you to thank for my being alive right now, Miss...?

Ellet: Danzari Ellet.

Bashir: Miss Ellet. My name is...

Ellet: Hold! Do not come closer!

Bashir: Sorry. I don’t mean you any harm.

Ellet: You are neither Bajoran nor Cardassian.

Bashir: I’m human.

Ellet: Human...human... [beat] Federation? Here?

Bashir: Yes.

Ellet: Finally come to end our suffering at the hands of the Cardassians?

Bashir: What?

Ellet: Come now. I know the Federation has ignored the plight of Bajor, but you know what has happened here.

Bashir: Ah, yes, but...well, the Occupation is over. It ended five years ago.

Ellet: What? The Cardassians are...gone?

Bashir: Yes.

Ellet: Do you have proof? For all I know you are a Cardassian agent.

Bashir: Ah...well, no, actually. I was boating with a friend and we capsized. Most of my supplies and communicator were lost. I assume you’ve not seen my friend?

Ellet: You’re the first stranger I’ve seen today.

Bashir: Do you...live near here? Are there many others? Could anyone else have…

Ellet: I cannot trust you with any of that without knowing who you are.

Bashir: I’m Doctor Julian Bashir, from Starfleet. I’m not entirely sure how to prove that, however.

Ellet: Hm. Hands behind your head. I’m going to approach you.

Bashir: Alright.

[Ellet stalks towards Bashir, looks sternly at him. Their eyes lock. He tries a little grin. She suddenly reaches up with the unused arrow and slashes his cheek. He flinches and gasps, and she wipes at the blood with a fingertip]

Ellet: Red. The Cardassians may be able plastic surgeons but even they cannot change blood color.

Bashir: I suppose not.

Ellet: Alright, fine. Drop your arms. Come with me. Tell me what has been happening…

[We see Bashir and Ellet walking into the woods. We are clearly seeing from someone’s Point of View, partially obscured by branches and leaves. There is heavy breathing...commercial break! Oh boy, 90s shit! Vote for Bob Dole! Buy a pager! That Ford Taurus sure is a sexy fuck! AND WE’RE BACK! A small, Bajoran village. There’s no sign of any tech, the homes are simple, aging wooden structures. People do old-timey shit. Bashir and Ellet approach]

Bashir: ...so Winn withdrew her candidacy. Shakaar won the position of First Minister very handily after that.

Ellet: Amazing. A free Bajor. I can’t believe it. I want to.

Bashir: What, my injury isn’t enough proof that I am who I say I am?

Ellet: Plenty of species have red blood, even mine. You could be a collaborator who had his nose shaved down.

Bashir: It would be easier and less traumatic to fill the ridges in, actually. Speaking as a physician. More easily reversed, as well.

Ellet: Which is why the Cardassians would shave it down. Probably without anesthesia.

Bashir: Ah, well…

Pold: Ellet! Ellet come quick!

[a teenage boy rushes up to Ellet and Bashir, barely giving a second glance to the stranger]

Ellet: Pold! What is it?

Pold: It’s Elder Caso! He collapsed!

Bashir: Where is he? I don’t have my full kit, but…

Ellet: Follow me!

[Interior of one of the houses; an old man lays in a bed, his breathing strained and raspy. Other Bajorans stand nearby looking worried. A middle-aged woman, Calra, leans over him, listening to his heart with something that is recognizably a stethoscope. Bashir and Ellet rush in]

Calra: Ellet, who...

Ellet: He’s a Doctor, from Starfleet.

Calra: Starfleet? What…

Bashir: I’ll explain everything in time, but first…

[Bashir kneels next to Calra and pulls his tricorder from his kit. He flips it open and it lets out a somewhat-sickly version of it usual beeps]

Bashir: Damn…

Ellet: What’s wrong?

Bashir: The power supply was damaged. [noting the stethoscope] Did you get a chance to use that?

Calra: Yes. His heartbeat is badly irregular.

Bashir: Does he have any allergies you know of?

Calra: Some hay fever, nothing else.

Bashir: Cordrazine, then. [pulls out a small case from his kit, flips it open to reveal some phials. Pulls one out] Thank goodness, it’s intact. But I haven’t a hypospray. Do you have a syringe or anything?

Calra: Yes. Ellet, over there…

[Calra points and Ellet vanishes for a moment, before reappearing with a tray of needles. Bashir picks one up and glances momentarily at the Bajoran writing]

Bashir: What line is...ah...damn, what’s the Bajoran equivalent of ccs. Ah...right, right! Which one would be half a dectol?

Calra: There.

[Bashir twists the top off the phial and sticks the needle in, slowly pulling the plunger back. He delicately hands the phial to Calra, then starts tapping Pold’s arm]

Bashir: Haven’t had to find a vein since medical school…

[He nods, satisfied, and plunges the needle into the old man’s arm. He picks up the stethoscope, puts it on, and presses the diaphragm to the elder’s chest]

Bashir: He’s stabilizing...good. I suppose it’s too much to hope for that you have IV bags?

Calra: You’re lucky we have syringes.

Bashir: Alright, make sure he stays hydrated. More so than you might think is necessary. Someone should be watching him at all times. Check his heartbeat every hour. If it gets irregular again, a quarter dectol of this. If his breathing becomes rapid at any time try chest compressions. If that doesn’t work get me. [beat] Real, frontier medicine. I knew a young fool who romanticized this stuff…

Caso: Ellet…

Ellet: Father!

Caso: Who...is this?

Ellet: He’s Doctor Bashir, father. He’s from Starfleet. The occupation is over, Father. Bajor is free.

[Exterior, night. We are again watching from an unknown figure’s PoV. We can just make out Bashir sitting with Caso, Ellet, Calra and others by a large fire. Someone hands him a bowl. Switches to the side of the fire as he eats]

Bashir: This is excellent. And you’ve raised or hunted all of this yourselves?

Ellet: It’s what we’ve done since I was born.

Caso: We have been on our own for almost four decades. I was a child when the occupation began. My memories of a free Bajor are...a fog, at best. I can somewhat remember the quiet meetings in my parent’s home. The early days of the Resistance, though I didn’t understand that at the time. I was barely a teenager when we set up our first camp to begin striking at a Cardassian shipping port.

Bashir: So what happened? Resistance camps didn’t tend to become permanent emplacements.

Caso: We had moved here for a major strike planned with another cell. I can’t remember what the target was. Almost every single adult went. Many of the teenagers. I wanted to go, but they said I was just too young. If I’d not been recovering from a sprained ankle they may have taken me. I’m not sure. [pause] No one came back from the mission. We waited for days. Weeks. Before long we began to be sure the Cardassians would arrive and destroy us. But we were mostly children, we didn’t know how best to pull up stakes and resettle. We didn’t know how to contact other cells. We didn’t even know if we were near civilization. After a few months, we realized we were on our own. And...well, we made do.

Bashir: I’d say you’ve thrived. You’ve remained undiscovered and self-sufficient for almost forty years. That’s astounding!

Caso: Yes. But now...now we can rejoin Bajor. A Bajor free of Cardassians. I still scarcely believe it. [beat] I do not mean to seem ungrateful to my savior but...well, have we simply replaced Cardassians with Federation troops?

Bashir: No, no not at all! No, we’re all on a space station. There’s no permanent on-planet presence.

Caso: But your commander is the Emissary?

Bashir: Yes. But he’s a Starfleet officer first. He hasn’t abused his position as Emissary to try and force the issue

Calra: Starfleet is famously hands-off.

Bashir: We try to be. First and foremost we consider ourselves explorers. We’re ambassadors of the Federation, we don’t exist to strongarm anyone into joining.

Calra: Tho you certainly have military might.

Bashir: An unfortunate necessity when not everyone shares our ideals.

Calra: Yes. Like the Klingons. Orion Pirates. Cardassians?

Bashir: Right…

Caso: Calra…

Calra: Tell me, Doctor, when is non-interference just willful ignorance?

Bashir: Sorry?

Caso: Calra, he’s barely older than Ellet, he had nothing to do with…

Calra: Oh, I’m sure they’re making some similar decision now, though. Right, Doctor? What atrocity is your Federation turning a blind eye to now?

Ellet: Calra, come now…

Bashir: No. No, she’s not wrong. The Federation. Starfleet. We let a lot happen in the name of The Prime Directive. I can’t disagree. We don’t live up to our own ideals sometimes. And that’s because we’re flawed. [beat] But that’s the root of it. The Federation has had its brushes with failing itself even more drastically than that. So we stop the Cardassian occupation. Then we get asked to help another culture. Then another. And another. Then one day we don’t get asked but just show up. Then we show up again. And again. And then, suddenly, we’re taking over Bajor instead of the Cardassians. The line is fine. Too fine. And I have yet to meet anyone who I would trust to see it.

Calra: And what do you think about Bajor joining the Federation willingly? Since that is how you see the overture now.

Bashir: Honestly? I don’t know. On the one hand, the Federation has plenty to offer. On the other hand, Bajor is still trying to figure itself out after having its own culture nearly eradicated. But then there is the issue of the worm...Celestial Temple. Bajor is now the most important planet in the Alpha quadrant, which means it could also be a target for countless people.

Calra: You seem to have trouble committing to ideas.

Bashir: I’m a doctor, not a diplomat. My choices are much simpler. If someone is in need of medical help, I provide it. I leave diplomacy to better people than myself.

Caso: Well I, for one, am grateful a Doctor arrived instead of a diplomat. Now, come! No more interrogating Doctor Bashir! Let’s enjoy ourselves, and in the morning we shall send out parties to try and find his friend!

[The spooky PoV shot again. Heavy breathing. WOOOOOO, what could it be?! MOTHERFUCKING COMMERCIAL TIME! It’s a trailer for Twister, fuck did you see that cow?!  It’s the “great googly moogly” Snickers ad! Oh shit they made the Game Boy smaller! BACK TO THE SHOW, HONKIES!

Day, Julian walking through the woods with Ellet]

Bashir: So, are you looking forward to seeing the sites of your homeworld?

Ellet: I...suppose? My whole life has been stories of Bajor. For me, Bajor has just been my village and a few square miles of woodland. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

Bashir: Well, the capital has some stunning architecture. The Bajoran Gallery has already managed to rebuild much of its collections. I’d be more than happy to show you around.

Ellet: That could be…

[suddenly, a large rock whizzes past their faces and they both duck down into the brush]

Bashir: What the hell?!

Ellet: Come on! There’s not enough cover here.

Bashir: This way!

[the two start running towards a large boulder near a tree line, Bashir slightly ahead. Suddenly there’s the noise of bending wood and straining rope]

Bashir: WHOA!

[Bashir is now danging upside-down, one of his feet caught in a makeshift rope hanging from a branch. Ellet dives behind the boulder]

Bashir: Ellet, what’s going on?! Is this normal?!

Ellet: No! I have no idea what…

[Another rock spirals in and Ellet dives behind the boulder. It bounces off and barely misses Julian’s head Ellet nocks an arrow and glances over the boulder]

Ellet: Where are you…?

Bashir: Could you get me down maybe?

Ellet: Shh!

Chief: [from a distance] You damn Cardie bastards! You let him go!

Ellet: What?!

Bashir: Chief?! Chief! What are you talking about?!

[The Chief is standing in a shadowy area, having gone full Apocalypse Now. His shirt is gone and he’s covered in mud from waist to face as makeshift camouflage. He holds a homemade sling and a rock. His face is hard]

Chief: It’s alright, Julian! I’ll free you from those bastards before they can scream at you about lights!

Bashir: Ellet, please. That’s my missing friend! Something’s clearly wrong with him!

Ellet: So I can’t kill him.

Bashir: Afraid not.

Ellet: Great.

Bashir: Sorry. If you could get me down I could help…okay.

[Ellet has already launched herself over the boulder and started charging towards the Chief. She barely ducks a stone, which ends up hitting Julian in the gut, making him give out a little oof. The Chief loads another stone, but Ellet shoots an arrow that cuts the handle. Time for a motherfucking fight! Chief goes all Classic Starfleet double-hand punches and Kirk-chops. It’s...well, you know. It’s a “Trek” fight. Then Ellet manages to crack him one across the chin with her bow and he goes down. Before he can get up she puts a foot on his chest and has an arrow drawn and near his face]

Ellet: Calm yourself, Chief. No one wishes to hurt you or the Doctor…

[the interior of DS9’s infirmary. O’Brien, in uniform, lays on a diagnostic table while Julian scans him]

Bashir: So my best guess is that spring you said you found had been tainted by spores from some nearby bitari mushrooms. Calra explained them to me. For a Bajoran they can cause rather pleasant hallucinations. Humans, it would seem, not so much.

O’Brien: I swear, they all looked like Cardassians. It was like I was back in the war. Thank goodness I didn’t hurt anyone.

Bashir: You bruised one of my ribs, actually.

O’Brien: Well, being fair, I wasn’t aiming for you. Still, I’ll get you your next pint to make it up to you. Quark’s?

Bashir: I’m going to need a rain check. I’m acting as an ambassador today.

[Ellet walks in, dressed in modern Bajoran clothing]

Ellet: Doctor?

Bashir: Ah! Ellet! I’ll be right with you! A Vulcan survey ship is due back from the Gamma Quadrant in twenty minutes, so we’ll start with a docking pylon! They have the best view!

Ellet: I’m looking forward to it.

[She exits]

Bashir: Right, well. You’re officially released, Chief. You should be all set. If anything seems off just come back here straightaway.

[Julian exits]

O’Brien: Horny prick.

[THE END! END CREDITS!]

Majel Barrett: Next time on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”

Sisko: Why is my razor so stupid?!

Dax: Benjamin, Kai Winn is here to see you.

Kai Winn: [incoherent screeching]

[scene change!]

Bashir: Goddamn it, so itchy…

O’Brien: I really didn’t need to know that, Julian.

[scene change!]

Dax: Kira, you’ve got a message coming in from Gul Dukat.

Kira: Ugh. Put him through.

Gul Dukat: Ah, Major Kira…

Kira: I swear to God if this is another thinly-veiled attempt at hitting on me I will cut of your balls and feed them to your pet vole.

THE END!

Stay tuned for whatever bullshit was on your local station in 1996 after DS9!

—

Check out Caitlin, Ames, and Jake’s stories for more Tales from the Holodeck! Also, be sure to keep listening on SoundCloud, follow us on Facebook and Twitter, and don’t drink the tainted spore water!

[alarawriting]

Inktober #2: Mindless

The patient was sitting on the table, dressed in a hospital gown, looking deeply irritated. “I don’t even know why I’m here. I wanted to go to Five Guys,” he said. “Why didn’t you take me to Five Guys?”

The woman with him – close to the same age, late 20’s or early 30’s – sighed. She sounded exasperated. “Greg, we have talked about this. You’re here because—”

“You know, there’s a great sale on fishing gear at Walmart. I could be at Walmart right now buying fishing gear.”

“You don’t even fish!”

“Hello,” I said. “I’m Dr. Park. What brings you here today?”

“Nothing!” Greg Landers, my patient, said. He was a white guy with brown hair and stubble on his face, medium build, and looked overall reasonably healthy. “I’m fine! I just want to go to Five Guys. Or you know, Charles Schwab is a great place to open up your 401K. They’ve got a satisfaction guarantee. You won’t see that at every investment firm!”

“He’s been like this for days,” the woman with him said. “He won’t go to work, he won’t do chores around the house… he eats, but he spends the whole time complaining that it’s not some restaurant he wants to go to. Mostly Five Guys. Greg doesn’t even like burgers that much.”

“I don’t think we’ve been introduced, Ms.--?”

“Oh, I’m Nicole Landers. I’m Greg’s wife.” I’d figured it was something like that.

“So tell me about Greg’s online activities. Do you know what he’s been doing lately?”

“Playing Hell War!” Greg said eagerly. “It doesn’t cost any money to play! I want to know if I have what it takes to beat the Lords of Hell!”

Nicole sighed again. “Two weeks ago you were telling me that Hell War was a cheap cash grab and that it’s impossible to win without spending your entire paycheck on in-app purchases. Also you’ve never liked mobile games.”

“Has he played any VR games recently?”

“Are we done here? I am really jonesing for some Five Guys. And then we can go over to Walmart!”

“Oh, yeah,” Nicole said. “We both play Fimbulwinter – that’s a survival game about a post-apocalyptic world plunged into eternal winter – and La Vie en Verte, that’s virtual gardening. He also plays Beyond the Blue Event Horizon, that’s a space game, but I’m not into that so much.”

Time to be politic. “Do you think he might ever have played a… well, a porn sim? Or been on a site for pirating games?”

“You know, I think I want my next car to be a Hyundai Annunciator. Those cars are slick. And they handle like anything, even in bad weather! And the mileage before recharge, wow. Amazing batteries on those guys!”

To my surprise, Nicole laughed. “Oh, yeah, Greg does porn sims. He’s bi and genderfluid, so he likes to go online in a female avatar and have sex with dudes. Not really my thing, but he lets me watch if I want.” My shock must have shown on my face. “What? It’s the 21st century, you think I’m one of those women who clutches pearls and has the vapors if my husband plays porn games? I can’t be a man for him and I’m too straight to want him when he’s wearing femmy clothes, but the porn sim can give him those things without him exposing himself to diseases or other risks by going with real people.”

While Nicole was explaining this, Greg told us what upcoming movies he thought were going to be “really awesome”, repeated his request for Five Guys, tried to explain the plot of Hell War in five-word sentences that were plainly marketing material, and talked about the lawnmower he wanted. Nicole rolled her eyes as he finished. “Greg, we live in an apartment. We don’t even have a lawn!”

“We could go to Century 21 and shop for a house! I know their agents will put us first.”

“And why would we want to do that?”

“So we can have a lawn! The Home Depot sells the best grass seed—”

He went on like this, but I stopped listening. “I don’t need to check anything else, Nicole. I’m sorry. Your husband’s become a zombie.”

“A what?” Nicole looked horrified. Belatedly I realized that just because she played VR games and was open-minded about her husband’s porn habit didn’t mean she was IT-savvy enough to know what I was talking about.

“Sorry, that’s not the medical term for them. He’s still alive, and physically he’s fine. But mentally, his consciousness isn’t operating his body. His brain’s been hijacked by an information virus.”

“An information virus? And what’s that got to do with zombies?”

“An information virus is like a computer virus for people. And we call people infected with this type ‘zombies’ because they’re not actually conscious.”

Nicole looked at Greg, who was animatedly explaining why TGIFriday was the best sit-down restaurant, ever, but Five Guys was in a league of its own. “He looks pretty conscious to me.”

“Ask yourself, Nicole, when Greg is normally conscious, does he spend his entire time sounding like a series of poorly mastered YouTube commercials?”

“No, that’s why I brought him here!”

“Right. The human brain can do an amazing lot of stuff without being conscious of it. You ever set out to drive a certain way, but part of it goes the way you usually do to a different destination, and you find that without paying attention you’ve somehow managed to drive halfway to the place you usually go rather than the place you’re trying to get to?”

“I hardly ever drive. We have self-driving cars.”

I controlled the impulse to sigh. That one was the best explanation. “Ok, well, if you think about how you type on a keyboard – when you start, you’re awkward and you’re hunting and pecking. But it gets to the level of muscle memory and you can just do it, without having to consciously think about it. Or mastering the controls for a new game.”

“Yeah, I guess…”

“I wanna go home and watch CSI: Racial Justice Unit! That is the best show on television today. You know it won an Emmy last year, right?”

“Greg’s brain has been hijacked by an information virus that compels him to advertise for maybe up to 40 different brands that he’s aware of. He probably caught the virus on a porn site; that or an illegal pirated game site, those are usually the biggest vectors. Some of those brands might be aware that the advertisers they’re working with are engaged in really shady practices like this, but most think they’re paying for ‘brand ambassadors’ who’ve voluntarily chosen to talk up the brand to their family and friends. The virus lets him do anything you can do without being conscious, and it turns out, that’s a lot more than people think it is. But right now he has no sense of rational judgement, his normal levels of compassion and empathy are almost entirely turned off, and he has no awareness that everything he says is an advertisement.”

“So – what can we do? Is it curable? Is he suffering? Oh, God, is he trapped inside his own mind while his body is running around spouting ads?”

“No. The real Greg, his actual consciousness, isn’t awake – that’s kind of what happens when people aren’t conscious. And yes, it’s very curable. I’m going to have him sit in this booth with a VR headset on and watch a detoxification protocol, and that should do the trick.”

“It won’t hurt him, will it?”

“No, not at all. It just nullifies the virus and wakes him up.”

“Ok. Let’s do that then.”

“Mr. Landers!” I interrupted his monologue about the Hyundai Annunciator. “Can you sit in this chair and put on this headset, please?”

“But I’m really hungry. I want Five Guys.”

“I think Nicole would be happy to take you to Five Guys after you watch this short VRdeo. Isn’t that right, Nicole?”

“Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure.” From her expression I could tell she would rather swallow a live earthworm, but anything to get him to sit down and watch.

“Well, okay. Long as I can have Five Guys after.” Greg sat down in the chair, I put the headset on him, and for ten minutes, that was that. I talked to Nicole about the importance of strong antivirals on the VR headset, not just relying on your network firewall, and maybe running a quick one-minute detox scan after ending a game.

The timer beeped, and I removed Greg’s headset. “How do you feel, Greg?” I asked.

“Okay, I guess, but I still want to go get Five Guys. Hey, Nickie, you promised, can we leave now?”

My eyebrows went up. “That’s… unusual.”

“It didn’t work?” Nicole was clearly on the verge of a panic attack.

“It didn’t, but calm down. This just means I have to go to the next level and do a manual treatment. That’s going to take a while, but I’m really curious as to how this particular bug survived the detox, so I tell you what; if you can wait, I have, I think, three more patients on the schedule for today, and then we can do Greg’s treatment.” Normally I’d ask them to make a second appointment for a thing like this, but my detox VRdeo was brand new, just updated yesterday. I wanted to see what kind of bug could get through a brand new scan, and I didn’t want to wait until next week or whenever my calendar was clear enough for a half hour session.

“I… guess we can wait…”

“Well, if we’re not doing anything, then how about we go to Five Guys?”

“Just take him,” I said. “It might shut him up for a little while, and it’s not likely to do him any harm.”

“But Greg doesn’t even like burgers.”

“Greg Landers the human man with a unique intelligence and personality doesn’t like burgers. Greg the Zombie, the cookie-cutter advertising goon, does. Unless he’s got allergies or sensitivities and can’t eat burgers—”

“No, he just doesn’t like them.” Nicole looked at her feet. “I… guess I could take him. When do we have to be back?”

I gave her my best estimate of how long it was going to take to get through the last three patients, and then as I walked them to the door I let the receptionist know to expect them back.

***

Once they were back, I sat Greg down with an interactive VRdeo that I’d be running with him, and then sat down and put on my own headset.

The information viruses work by directly injecting “code” from the brain’s “operating system” through either the optic or auditory channels, or both, but you don’t perceive them as code. You perceive them as something else. I don’t know what Greg saw – for everyone it’s different – but for me, it was very brief flashes of something I could barely see, something dark and full of wrongness, accompanied by a very brief flash of panic and horror. My brain knows when something’s trying to invade it from the outside. But my headset had the newest antivirals on it and the best, most sophisticated dedicated firewall, so for me the code injection attempts were just that, attempts.

The VRdeo that was running was highly interactive, keyed to produce full sensorium response – a perfect breeding ground for a zombie virus. Greg’s viruses couldn’t resist the opportunity to replicate and invade someone else. But that was not happening today. As the viruses struck out at me, my security grappled with them, analyzed them, and fed me images that in turn I could feed back to Greg that would neutralize that particular virus.

When we were finished, I once again asked him, “How do you feel, Greg?”

He was looking around in bewilderment. “This… is a doctor’s office? How the hell did I even get here? Did I pass out or something, Nickie?”

“Oh, thank God!” Nicole said.

“Looks like that did the trick,” I said. “Make sure you run antivirals, like I said. Good ones, don’t skimp on the cost. If you’ve got the money to game, you’ve got the money to protect yourself while gaming.”

“Thank you, Doctor, you’re a wonder—”

“What the hell is going on? What was wrong with me?”

I let Nicole explain to her husband as they walked out the door, and I locked up for the night. It’d been a long day, and I was hungry. I could really go for some Five Guys.

[donnerpartyofone]

sometime last september i had a bad cold with an ear infection. a bunch of fluid built up in my ear and never went away. i saw a doctor who suggested it would just disappear on its own, but that it could take three or four months. i took some antibiotics then, which didn’t help. he didn’t seem to consider it a problem. after a couple of months i came back, same deal. he gave me some anti-inflammatory nasal spray and some ear drops, which didn’t help. then i found a new gp and described the problem to her. she stuck her ear thing in my ear, wagged it around, and then just turned around and never discussed it with me in any way.

incidentally, i was seeing that second doctor because i was convinced i was dying from lung cancer. my mother was suddenly diagnosed with stage four lung cancer when she was my age and given a couple of months to live. (she surprised everybody by living for three or four years, which in my estimation was a lot worse than if she had just died right away) i found a gp who specialized in lung disease and explained that i have consistently restricted breathing in one lung that does not fluctuate in any way, and has been going on for a long time. well, my chest x-rays came back clear and i don’t have any other symptoms, so she just put me on some asthma inhalers. i had bad asthma as a kid, and this unceasing one-sided shortness of breath doesn’t resemble that in any way, but my doctor didn’t seem to give a shit about figuring out what was wrong with me as long as the inhalers seemed to be managing the symptoms. i felt like a theme was emerging when i told her about my ear, and she seemed to just look for whatever specific thing she would consider a problem, and when she didn’t see it, she just changed the subject.

so, naturally, i found a new gp. i went because my scripts for my inhalers were running out, and i didn’t want go back to the other doctor to get them renewed. mercifully (i guess although i’m really not dying to keep seeing more and more doctors), my new doctor is sending me for fresh x-rays and referring me to a pulmonologist. i also told her about my ear, and she checked me out and saw all this fluid behind my eardrum. she said this is very common, and might be there “forever”. it could be because of my naturally humongous tonsils, which is a pretty disgusting thing to hear about myself for some reason, or it could be allergy inflammation that’s contributing to the blockage. so the main thing i have to do is stop trying to pop my ear, which i want to do every second of every minute that i’m conscious, because it’s clearly, painfully wearing down my jaw. also, now i get to add an allergy pill to the 23 (24 depending on what’s going on) pills i need to take every day to manage other stuff. 

the “other stuff” is mostly one condition, which is that my system processes copper so poorly that the buildup of this psychoactive metal in my system makes me chronically depressed, anxious, fearful and angry. nutrient therapy is a lot better than being hooked on opiodes...i think? but the number of things i have to take to avoid that is exhausting, and means that i spend an hour or two a day feeling like i’m going to throw up while i digest everything, which isn’t exactly a mood booster.

anyway, my new gp has also referred me to an ENT, which appointment can’t happen soon enough because sometime around 3am yesterday, i developed a loud ringing in the affected ear that will not go away, and by all accounts, might never go away. this is not the first time this week that i was told one of my senses will be permanently impaired for no particularly good reason. a few years ago, i had to have surgery and localized chemotherapy to remove some pathological scar tissue growing across my corneas. it hasn’t come back (although it might), probably thanks in part to the chemo, but now i have a buildup of surgical scar tissue on one eye that is causing glare and spots, and according to my cornea specialist, that’s just the new normal. the few treatments options are considered high risk for little reward, i guess.

depression has a way of casting you as a problematic person in the public eye: someone who is oversensitive, looking for attention, being negative, and refusing to deal with their problems in a mature way (because according to people who don’t really have problems, all problems go away if you just adjust your bad attitude). now, i hate going to the doctor because my experience of autism makes me cry and panic like i’ve been raped if anyone touches me without my specific emotional invitation. also, it’s very hard for me to think of any experience i’ve ever had with a doctor where something was explained to me satisfyingly, or where i got treatment that really worked--as opposed to me just coming out the other end, terrorized and humiliated, sitting there in a puddle of my own various fear fluids thinking, “wait a minute, WHY THE FUCK did i let them do all that random shit to me??” to wit: a couple of years where i submitted myself to a doctor to have core samples regularly, painfully, frighteningly drilled out of my cervix because of some abnormal test results. whatever’s going on COULD be precancerous, i was told. well, what else “could” it be, i asked? they just shrugged, and one day they told me they weren’t seeing the abnormality anymore and they didn’t have to keep mutilating me. so...i could have just been sitting on the couch this whole time? why did i do this, when i don’t even have any particular faith in treatment anyway? but, i keep doing to the doctor(s), because i’ve had it drilled into my head that it’s the “responsible” thing to do, and it will prove to the world that i’m a “positive” person who tries to find “mature” solutions to my problems. that makes it extra frustrating when nothing comes of it, other than the damning confirmation that nothing about me is really working that well, and it’s not going to.

of course, on top of the fact that my problems are not really manageable in any substantial way, there’s the added psychological pressure that comes from people not seeing your problems as problems. exactly one half of my face is affected by rosacea, making it extra obvious that something is wrong with me. having tried everything else that is supposed to manage my symptoms--including two different treatments that are “magic bullets” for 99% of sufferers, both of which made me react so badly that i looked like i’d been attacked by wasps--i decided to take the plunge on my last option, an extremely expensive battery of painful and kind of scary laser treatments. i had the last one this month. i’m not seeing any difference at all, and in fact i’m not sure it didn’t make things worse. no insurance really covers treatment for rosacea because it’s considered a cosmetic problem, even though it results in broken blood vessels and progressive thickening of the skin that anybody would consider a medical problem if they saw it in action. i can already see what’s going on in the mirror, and trying not to notice is not an option.

i realize, as i’m sure many people will be quick to tell me, that i’m actually very lucky. i do not have any “real problems”. i’m performing the basic life problems of a human being just fine. but i have to say, just to stick up for myself, that there is something really special about just having a collection of unrelated problems that just amount to, like, a bunch of bullshit. i have friends who have had, or currently have, really major life challenges--horrifying circumstances or conditions with which they have had to wage a heroic battle. of course i don’t envy them, but at the risk of sounding really incredibly petty, at least they made some kind of sense. the dragon arrives at your door, and it’s cancer, or hiv, or a neurological disorder, or a flesh-and-bone-eating disease; you don your armor and fight the good fight, or prepare to die with dignity, or in the worst case scenario, you just regular-die, but everybody totally understands it as a tragedy. there’s some kind of logic to it all, even if it’s completely unfair and arbitrary in the outing. it’s different when you just have a bunch of bullshit, none of which anybody thinks is a problem individually, and there’s no reason for it. your eye is just kind of shitty and your skin is just kind of shitty and your lung is just kind of shitty and your ear is just kind of shitty and your ovaries are just kind of shitty and your mental health is just kind of shitty (for chronic physiological reasons). so therefore, looking at things is just kind of shitty and having people look at you is just kind of shitty and hearing things is just kind of shitty and really, just being awake and alive is just kind of shitty. and there’s no narrative here, it’s not you versus your virus or you versus your mutating cells or something. it’s just you versus the fact that you’re just, like, kind of a fucking lemon. if your body were a car, you’d get rid of it, and just take the bus from now on. or stop going anywhere altogether.

when i’m not fighting off a violent reaction to my mounting collection of bullshit problems, i’m usually trying to find some meaning to my life. it’s hard to do. i’m not brilliantly intelligent or talented in any way that would make my career into the point of my life. i’m also not going to start a family (which would be a huge challenge for me anyway because of problems with my reproductive system), so that’s out. because of my anhedonia, i can’t really live for pleasure either--a fact which is surely compacted by the way that all of my individual parts seem committed to making any and all sensory input at least sort-of annoying, if not infuriating and claustrophobia-inducing. when it’s just me and my depression, i often think, “god, i really wish i could just achieve something in this life, then all this agonizing would be worth it.” i usually wind up reaffirming that i’m just an ordinary person, i’m not even very good at my hobbies or very knowledgable about my passions, there’s no chance that doing something special with my time on earth is going to save me. but then, of course, there’s my shitty, shitty, shitty physical condition. the only thing i really ever accomplish is preventing myself from screaming.

i realize that many people might want to frame stopping yourself from screaming as an accomplishment in and of itself. when you’re really challenged in life, you have to remember your context. like, one guy might be climbing the corporate ladder, and he has to face the challenge of competition and seizing opportunities and stuff; but when you’re, say, me, not-screaming can be a legitimately equivalent effort that you should be proud of winning at. both my best shrink and my worst shrink have tried to warn me off of comparing myself to others--to noticing, constantly, that compared to pretty much everyone i know i’m really defective, and in fact i’m way behind my peers developmentally because i have to struggle so hard just to get through my fucking day without ruining anything or taking a break for pure suffering. part of the reason to avoid comparing yourself to others is what i was just getting at, that you want to have an authentic sense of your own suffering without using an irrelevant-to-you method of measurement. the other part of it is that you don’t want to delude yourself into thinking that you are the only person who suffers, or that your suffering is the most extreme. my first/worst shrink approached this in a pretty hilarious way: she suggested that maybe ALL of my friends have ALL the same problems as me, they just haven’t mentioned it. first of all, this just shows a real ignorance of how many great complainers i know. but secondly, it suggests a world in which my closest friends have stood by while scars grow over my eyeballs and half my face burns and swells and my ovaries constantly invite painful degrading examinations and threaten cancer and my lung never opens all the way and my ear rings deafeningly et at ad nauseam, and they just...don’t say anything to me. for some reason my dearest companions just don’t feel like offering me support or solidarity or advice from their supposed rich experience, or even venting their own frustrations to an ear they know for a fact is sympathetic, even if it doesn’t hear too well. it’s an extra bizarre idea that still makes me laugh, when i’m not screaming.

now i have to get ready for today’s doctor’s appointment, the fifth of what i think will turn out to be eight this month, not including psychiatric appointments. it’s not for my ear, but i’ll definitely be bringing that up again, because i think i need to add an anti-anxiety prescription to my armory of pills, because i don’t think i’m going to make it through this experience without altering my chemistry until i just don’t give a fuck about anything that happens to me. plus i need to find out if tinnitus is its own thing, or if it is definitely always a symptom of hearing loss (that is, a deteriorating ability to perceive sound, as opposed to an incredibly loud internal sound that you just naturally notice more than other external sounds that you are still technically capable of perceiving). a minute ago, my husband got up and started stalking around our tiny apartment suspiciously. i thought he must have seen a bug, but he’s looking for the source of a weird noise that must be coming from our large mac tower, a couple of feet away. i absolutely cannot hear it at all.

[callunavulgari]

Year-In-Life | 2018

Or that annual New Year’s meme about yours truly.

1. What did you do in 2018 that you’d never done before? Got a big girl job! Got insurance! Made my very own eye doctor appointment! Got an apartment all on my own with my boyfriend! And this all happened since October! Basically I haven’t had time to do more than sleep in like two months!!!!!

But like. I’m making good money now, I can actually do things like go to the freaking doctor when I’m sick and not completely bankrupt myself if I get hit by a truck or something. Oh, and my new job has PTO! How rad is that, I can get paid for taking vacations now? The only downside is my eyes are not taking the staring at a computer screen all day very well and ache ALL the time now. But hey! Things are looking up other than my eyes being stabbed out of my skull?!

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? Ugh I never remember what resolutions I actually made though! I mean, I know one of them was get a better job, which I did. I started smoking again for like two months and then quit again in November because holy shit I don’t need that in my life. I... briefly lost weight and then gained it all back because I stopped caring.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Couple high school people, I think. One of my best friend’s from middle school had her second kid. Another friend from middle school is expecting a third next year. But nobody particularly close, no. 4. Did anyone close to you die? I don’t think so.

5. What countries did you visit? Alternatively, what is your favorite place that you did go this year? Ugh, no countries. Nick got to go to Germany for his job training but I had to stay here because y’know, money, and also, money. Didn’t have the big girl job at the time and he went to Germany the week before we were due to go to North Carolina and I’m sorry, but I can’t freaking afford two weeks off of work. Couldn’t? Eh, still probably can’t unless I work crazy overtime to obtain more PTO. 

That said, I had lots of fun on our annual trip down to North Carolina. Once again I got to read a lot of books in the pool, chill on the beach, and play dumb drinking games with people five years younger than me. We also had an added date night, which I think I’m going to require every year.

6. What would you like to have in 2019 that you lacked in 2018? Oh hey, I basically got everything that I wanted from last year. More steady job with insurance, apartment, not doing the college thing yet, but I’m going to have to think long and hard about how I want to proceed from here. This job opened up a LOT of opportunities for me, and I may pursue some of those instead of college. I just have to decide if that’s what I want.

Only thing that I didn’t get was, y’know, the ring thing. So here’s to hoping for next year? 

Also, ideally, we’re looking to buy a house sometime in either 2020 or 2021, so here’s to hoping we save up enough to make that happen.

7. What date from 2018 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? October 15th is when I started my new job. November 9th was when we moved out. Not many big events this year other than those. 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Got new job! Got apartment! Read a metric crapton of books! Bought a nice couch that is all ours!

9. What was your biggest failure? Honestly? I’m not really sure. This year was kind of a good one. I’ve been very patient with Nick’s mom whenever we go on our weekly outing to one of the bars in our hometown and haven’t dropkicked her into the street whenever she gets too drunk. 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Since moving out of the old house last month my weird allergy thing has improved wildly. We’re still using the sensitive skin detergent and I’m using very mildly scented soaps, but all in all the itching is so much less. I got really sick and missed Thanksgiving because I got some kind of stomach flu, and I think I had another stomach issue a few months back, but it’s been mostly mild. 11. What was the best thing you bought? I got new glasses at a vastly discounted rate because my vision insurance is apparently really good? We also bought a huge new sectional that is bigger, comfier, and LESS EXPENSIVE than all of the other couches we were looking at. I got Nick a sit/stand desk for Christmas and got upgraded to his old one by proxy. Got new books and a new painting for our living room. We also bought a new TV, because my old one was fucked and since we were moving out we didn’t have Seth’s to watch. 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Mine. I was so good this year. 13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? Eh. Nick’s mom drives me nuts, my mom drives me nuts, the roommates aren’t as bad now because we aren’t there, but it got a little spotty near the end there.

14. Where did most of your money go? Mostly things like bills, car payments, groceries, plane ticket to South Carolina to see my family, Christmas presents. While I got a reasonably good big girl job Nick got a reasonably good computer engineering job which means even if he is just a starting salary it’s still about 30k more than I make. Which just, blows my mind to say? Because I’m not making less than 15k a year now?  15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? I’m sorry that you have to hear it again, but new job! New apartment! New books and new things and hopefully a new chapter of our life. I’ve been trying to not get too psyched about things just in case the bottom drops out, but for now I’m letting myself enjoy this.

16. What song will always remind you of 2018? Paradise Valley. The Sailor Song. Daddy. Smallest Light. Lots of things off the Stranger Things soundtrack. 17. Compared to this time last year, are you: i. happier or sadder? Happier? Yeah, happier. ii. thinner or fatter? Little more, maybe? Again, lost a bunch but gained it back. iii. richer or poorer? Richer. With both of us having good jobs it’s so much easier to save. I dumped a little more than I should have into Christmas presents, but I’m still okay.  18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Write. I’ve been really bad about it, but I’m hoping that this year I’ll find my stride. 

19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Still pretty chill this year. Maybe gotten my head out of my ass and tried to get a good job earlier, but I can’t regret it too much. 20. How will you be spending Christmas? Spent Christmas Eve listening to Nick’s mom bitch about things and eating food that kind of turned my stomach. Spent Christmas Day at his mom’s in the morning and then his grandparents’ all afternoon. Only managed to squeeze a tiny amount of time for ourselves this year, but we had breakfast together and opened our presents. Hopefully next year we get Christmas Eve to ourselves again. 21. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve? So, last year we spent New Year’s cooking curry (him) and pirozki (me) and watching Planet Earth. I’m hoping to do something similar this year, but we might end up at his mom’s place getting trashed since we’re both off the next day. We’ll see. 22. Did you fall in love in 2018? Maybe a little more. 23. Best month for you this year? October? November? August? April-ish? Honestly most of my months this year were pretty okay. Like, I’m so sorry for all of you that had shitty years, but mine was so much better than basically anything from the past goddamn decade.

24. What was your favorite TV program? Of just 2018? Didn’t watch too much this year? Watched the second season of Westworld, Voltron, the Sense8 series finale, Killing Eve, Castlevania, The Haunting of Hill House, Bride of the Ancient Magus, Lost In Space... But honestly, most of them were good but not fantastic. I really liked the Sense8 finale and Hill House. Oooh, also, She-Ra. And Little Witch Academia! Those were good ones. 25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Eh.

26. What was the best book you read? Spinning Silver was so good, guys. The Goblin Emperor, A Tale For the Time Being, the Queen’s Thief series, the Kingkiller Chronicle, and the Nightrunner series were highlights too. It was a real good year for books, okay. 27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Paradise Valley. Holy shit that song is the best. 28. What did you want and got? I got a lot of stuff I wanted this year. The job, the apartment, books, games. Nick got me a fucking switch for Christmas and this really pretty teardrop necklace made of green glass that’s just fucking gorgeous. And I got the glasses, the stupid tv, the better couch... ugh, we spent so much money this year, but I mean, it’s kind of about time that we had the money to splurge a little?

29. What did you want but didn’t get? A... ring? I mean, we’ve talked about it and we’ve both been moving steadily in this direction, but it didn’t happen this year. I foolishly made a bet with one of his brother’s friends while I was drunk. He thought that he’d propose before December of 2020, I thought he’d propose before the end of 2019, so now even if I’m right I’m wrong and I know he is going to give me shit about it.

Also. I think I might actively want kids now? Like, not in a nebulous eventually kind of way, but I think I might want to start trying? I don’t know. More on that next year. 30. What was your favorite film of this year? The Greatest Showman was really great. Other than that though, I didn’t watch that many. 31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 29 went a lot like 28 and 27. Had lunch with Nick at the Lantern, and then lazed around until we went out to Old Bag of Nails with a few of our friends. It was nice. Nick got me knitting supplies because I mentioned a million years ago that I kind of wanted to learn so I could do something while listening to audiobooks.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Hah! A better president and a ring is the only thing that I didn’t get from my wishes last year. 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2018? Honestly until I started having to dress for an office job my personal fashion concept was PJs all the time except for when I had to go wait tables for a few hours. Now that I have the office job I’ve been wearing lots of sweaters, scarves, and skirts with tall boots when it’s not too cold for them. My bet is next year I’m going to give up and buy scrubs like everybody else in the nursing department. 34. What kept you sane? Reading was really, really great this year. - STILL leaving this answer 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Eh. Amber Heard was recently very pretty on my tumblr dashboard? 36. What political issue stirred you the most? FUCK DONALD TRUMP IN THE EAR 2015678. —– Ayyyyy, this was my response from last year, and apparently also the year before and the one before! Hello past me’s, don’t worry, it’s still getting worse. 37. Who did you miss? Nick, while he was in Germany and when I was in South Carolina. It was dumb. I wanted to smooch his forehead gently. 38. Who was the best new person you met? I have lots of new coworkers, but Bryan is my favorite. He’s pretty cool and I could see myself being good friends with him if he doesn’t fuck off to a different state. 

39. Talk about a new friend that you made this year: *Sherlock voice* I don’t have friends. ---- I’m just going to leave this here. 

40. Post a picture from the beginning of the year:

Took this one in... early March, but it’s technically the earliest photo I took of myself that wasn’t technically from December of 2017. I really miss the dark hair.

41. Post a picture from the end of the year:

This was taken a couple days ago when I got new glasses. I am 100% not naked, I’m wearing a tanktop.

42. A memorable meal discovered this year? Uh. I don’t know if I actually tried any new recipes this year? Most things that I cooked were repeat favorites from last year and Nick hasn’t cooked too terribly much either. The new jobs thing has been nice, but also we have SO MUCH LESS TIME.

43. What was your favorite memory this year? I don’t know. There have been a few of them. I had a night that was kind of shitty and empty, and ended up reading that Cornstalk Fiddle fic that I’ve talked about and it turned into one of my favorite memories. The vacation and moving was pretty nice.

44. What are you excited for next year? Still wanna try for that trip that’s just me and Nick, but I’ve got my little brother’s graduation to go to in May and the North Carolina trip in August, which basically wipes out my PTO for the year, but we’ll see. Maybe we can take a weekend trip somewhere nice.

Oh. Also, I’m freaking excited for KINGDOM HEARTS 3?!

45. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2018: Things can get better? Your life isn’t over if you don’t make it to college? Just. Things get better. We’ll go with that one. 46. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: I’m singin’ in the rain Just singin’ in the rain What a glorious feeling I’m happy again

First Fandom of 2018: January seemed to be an ecclectic mixture of Star Wars, Harry Potter, Captive Prince, The Exorcist, and Teen Wolf before I settled into Stranger Things at the end of the month. Favorite Main Character of 2018: Ahhhh. Fuck, I don’t know. Ryan Dalias or Doug Eiffel, probably. Favorite Villain of 2018: Damien, from the Bright Sessions. He’s not... exactly a big bad, but he certainly isn’t good. Also, Billy Hargrove. Favorite M/F Couple of 2018: I actually read a lot of Jaime/Brienne this year because astolat started writing it and it was just really solidly good. Oh, Miryem and the Staryk Lord was also A++ Favorite F/F Couple of 2018: I did not read or write any, but let me tell you, I felt Isabelle Lovelace and Renee Minkowski on a fucking galactic scale. Favorite M/M Couple of 2018: Mark/Damien and Billy/Steve absolutely dominated all of my other fandoms this year. But also, Ryan/Akmazian hurts my entire heart. Fandom That You Never Expected To Get Into: The Bright Sessions? I did not expect to actually have feelings about these characters. Fandom That Made An Unexpected Comeback: Read some Harry Potter and Thor fic sporadically throughout the year. And Pacific Rim 2 hit my like a freight train. Fandom That Inspired The Most Crack: Uh. Stranger Things, I guess? Last Fandom of 2018: I mean, technically I’ve been reading more Harringrove because of the holiday exchange, but I’m still pretty hung up on Wolf 359 and the Bright Sessions. Unfortunately, neither of them really have fic? Favorite Fandom of 2018: I liked all of them, but Stranger Things and The Bright Sessions was so much of my year I’m gonna have to go with those two.