#now she's got Anxiety
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/Slam dunks yet another WIP bc my Perfectionist ADHD only lets me start things and never finish them
Hey y'all check out this progress tho...
#my first ever drawing of Dilynrae!#vs her now on the right#lots of minor changes that i think really refined her#i was so proud of the leff but she was such a blank slate#now she's got Anxiety#among other things....many other things#oc: dilynrae melarn#magpie’s doodles#my art#old vs new#art progress#wip art#artist growth#dnd art#drow#drow oc#dark elf#dnd#dnd sketch#digital art#adhd artist
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Uhm, possible spoilers i think for Marble Sky [made by @somerandomdudelmao in which you should go and check out if you haven’t read rn cause they be very cool very cool and very cool]
but—OMG I LOVE THIS BIRB AUUUHGHGHHGUGHUHURHUEHGI—
IN WHICH THEY ARE PERFECTLY FINE AND WE SEE SO SO MUCH OF THEM NYYYGUUH—
Guys guys guys — please trust meee she is A-OK and she is gonna be a teacher to Oscar as they make a pacifist alien befriending club
I am not in denial i have no clue what you’re talking about—
I ain’t got a clue what these so called ‘jars’ even look like yet but i sketched a thing out immediately and then at that point my intrigueness started to fade, and then the ref came out and for some reason that boosted my interest even further. But i know what a bird’s brain looks like now so thats something.
I just think she seems very cool
I may have also did some other doodles a week or 2 ago that i didn’t post cause the social of anxiety was kickin in high those days but I’ll put them under the cut if thou wishes to see
That is all ok buh byyeeee go see marble skiessssss
#I saw this woman for less than a second and now i am dreading everything in my life#OUUGHHH she was only there for like 1 single scene AUUUGH#I SHAKE YOU GIVE HER BACK GIVE HER BAC-#ok imma head out now because in case you couldn’t tell my brain needs sleep due to the fact it is past midnight rn#haha little do you know the reason i posted this at midnight was because I STILL got that anxiety in me—#AH HA HA haaaaa..#…#anywho#enjoy#have a very good day#am tired#oufff#have a good day#my drawings#marble sky#weeeeeeee ok bye
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hinata “would you still love me if i was a bug/worm” shoyo and kageyama “i’d attach you to a volleyball so you can still play” tobio
#tsukki “he’s probably die if you spiked the ball kei and yamaguchi shhhh don’t thing this for them tadashi#yachi is just soirlaing imagining a worm with hinatas face on it being volleyballed around a court by giants#tsukki look what you have done you have ruined a perfectly good yachi she’s got triple anxiety now#haikyuu#kageyama tobio#hinata shoyou#kagehina#hinakage#shobio#hq
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my johto timeskip designs + bios/teams below!
i think about this group ALOT!!! if i had any confidence in writing i would easily share the whole hgss rewrite i have in my head but alas… just take my drawings instead! i like to give characters more “realistic” outfits… not really a modern au? i love to imagine the pokemon world with all our worlds pop culture which inspires my designs! long post but enjoy!!! ( ˘ ³˘)♥︎
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lyra + 20. champion ranked trainer
♡ Raised by her single mother, aunt and older cousin Kris in the small New Bark home. Her father died when she was 6 in a mining incident involving Team Rocket. Bubbles, her ace Azumarill, was gifted to Lyra by her father on her 5th birthday - being her final gift from him.
♡ Extremely outgoing, sweetly optimistic and immensely empathic. Absolutley loves making friends and talking to every kind of person. However, is extremely competitive & stubbon and gets frustrated easily - resulting in her giving up quickly but is also extremely quick to be re-motivated. Often feels the emotions of others intensely. Very country girl with an extremely strong Johtoian accent and lisp. Loves 'girly' things like makeup + fashion, period dramas and collecting nick-nacks but also loves spending her days outdoors, espcially in the National Park with Ethan watching the bug-catching contests or the Safari Zone.
♡ Struggled with her battle confidence as a young trainer which resulted in her having to re-battle Falkner and Bugsy several times. Over her journey grew an appreciation for pokemon perceived to be 'weak' & cute and built her team around showing the powers of these types of pokemon. Despite being a Champion Ranked trainer, Lyra opted to work with Ethans grandparents at the daycare center where she specialises in pokemon breeding and training weaker pokemon + their trainers.
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silver + 23. champion ranked trainer
♡ Only child of Rocket Boss, Giovanni. Was born and raised on Island 5 of the Sevii Islands by multiple admins, most commonly Archer before running away to Johto. Has a deep rooted and consistent fear that he’ll never amount to anything but “Giovanni's kid”. Was extremely tight lipped about his upbringing to the trio, especially after learning of his loose connection to Lyras father’s passing. Finally told them the truth of his family after the defeat and final disbandment of Team Rocket.
♡ Originally extremely standoffish, condescending and at times, aggressive. As an adult is still quite serious and independent, but genuinely enjoys the time he spends with his friends and is surprisingly protective of them - especially Lyra and Kris. As time passed, his anger towards his father evolved more into guilt, however, over the years has become more patient, gentle and forgiving with not only others but himself. He still can come off quite intimidating to strangers, but these changes are noticeably visible to those close to him. While usually a quiet person, has a very dry and witty sense of humour that takes most people by surprise.
♡ Mentored by Lance, and later Blue, and spends a large amount of time training in the Dragons Den. While unsure of what direction he wants his life to go into, Lance is adamant he would make a fantastic gym leader or elite four member. Always accompanies Lyra to the yearly Champion Balls and Alola trips. Currently lives in a small beachside bungalow with Lyra in Cherrygrove where he enjoys spending his free time reading and teaching himself guitar.
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ethan + 21
♡ The childhood friend of Lyra, Ethan was raised by his father and grandparents in New Bark. Extremely courteous, friend & family oriented and easy to talk to. A natural comic and can make even the straightest face people crack a slight smile - Red being his proudest achievement. Lax and slightly ditsy but can adapt to any situation and group of people like a flick of a switch. Not the best at articulating himself but always puts 110% into making sure people feel comfortable through his actions.
♡ Completed the 8 Johto gyms but never challenged the Elite Four & Lance in favour for persuing his true passions. Currently works at the Goldenrod Radio Tower where he co-hosts a program consisting of interviewing gym leaders, elite four, champions and other prolific battlers. At nights, does standup in the clubs in the Goldenrod Tunnel. Due to his easy-going nature and career, tends to knows everyone’s buisness + gossip and has crazy experiences with nearly any person imaginable.
♡ Currently lives in a small loft in Goldenrod. Spends his free time watching anime + cartoons or in the National Park either watching the Bug Contests, skating or talking to the old folks. Enjoys the nightlife of Goldenrod where he usually pulls Silver out to bar hop or spend hours playing Voltorb Flip.
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kris + 25
♡ Oldest and mother figure of the group. Was born and grew up in New Bark town with her mother before her cousin Lyra + aunt moved in with them when she was 11. The two shared the large upstairs bedroom growing up where Kris introduced Lyra to contests and the annual Champion & Wallace cups.
♡ Mature, soft spoken and extremely intellegent - both academically and socially. Because of this, can offer solutions on any issue on both a practical and emotional level, no matter the person and situation. Has unique relationships with all three kids but in general sees them as her younger siblings and takes the role as the 'older sister' very seriously. Has a warm and comforting presence, making those even to the likes of Silver feel comfortable confinding in her.
♡ Quite reserved and struggled with her purpose and sexuality growing up, espcially in rural Johto. After the death of her uncle and seeing her daughter’s interests in the Wallace Cups and contests, her mother moved the two to the Hoenn region, settling in Lilycove City when Kris was 13. While starting her gym challenge in the new region, Kris fell in love with Hoenn's unique weather patterns and ecosystems. Eventually she quit the gym challenge to peruse a career as a meteorologist where she now works at the weather institute. When not working, she enjoys attending contests, museums and scuba diving. Finally feeling settled in life, she came out to her family + the trio when she was 20.
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#pokemon#trainer lyra#rival silver#trainer ethan#trainer kris#pokemon hgss#soulsilvershipping#tried to give each character a little reference to something they like?#lyra with an azumarill phone case! silvers shirt is a direct reference of bathorys self titled album! ethan with the dragon ball shirt and#south park skateboard and kris’s bag is the rain badge bc she’s a massive fan of wallace :p#ooooo and her sweater vest is also inspired by wallaces rse outfit & colours!!! she’s got a tan now from the hoenn weather:)#lyra also incorporated the silver wing into her bracelet and silver is wearing the rainbow feather!#lyra was heavily inspired by kfashion + beauty silver is a metalhead ethan is a walking cartoon network advertisement & kris is a 80s mumma#flat rendering bc I could not be ASSED going all out lol saturation high bc it suits everyone’s vibe (maybe not silvers lol)#i always hc’d lyra having a shiny t-tar and was shook when masters gave silver one😭😭😭 they watching out for me and sss i geuss!!!#my anxiety + fear of posting art has come back at FULL force it’s very annoying😭 i also can not write so anything like this makes me#stressed ahhhhh i tried to keep it as similar as possible to my old sv timeskip designs!#pkmn#pokemon gsc#lyra pokemon#silver pokemon#ethan pokemon#kris pokemon#johto au#hgss#pokemon art#pokemon fanart#my art <3
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Speaking as someone who was constantly late to school, I think punishing kids/teens for being late to school is stupid. Like, I get it. When they’re older, they can’t be late to work and stuff and they need to understand that. But majority of kids/teens are getting to school via their parents or someone else driving them or hell the school bus which is also driven by an adult. So when a kid arrives late and gets punished for it, all that’s happening is a child getting punished because the adult responsible for getting them there on time wasn’t successful. That’s not teaching the kid anything, that’s just annoying. Especially when, as a kid I was always ready on time and it was my parents I was waiting on and then in detention I’d be expected to write down a “what will I do better” that didn’t apply to me because I didn’t do anything wrong
I get that sometimes it will be the kids fault but I feel like those cases are few and far between and punishing a kid for the adults in their life is just counterproductive
#I literally tried explaining this to my teacher in high school that I’m always ready on time I’m just waiting for my parent to be ready#and that bitch got so patronising and tried blaming me even tho I was telling the truth#like got this condescending smile and was like ‘if I phone your mam up will she say the same?’ and I just looked at her and was like ‘yeah😑#that meeting wasn’t even about me being late btw. it was about me struggling with anxiety. but she decided to make it about that#for literally no reason#and for reference now that I’m at uni I always arrive to all my classes on time#frankly I have such bad anxiety about arriving late that I get there half an hour early#education system#school system#british school#middle school#high school
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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I am often plagued with the memory of how at the end of Hiyokoi they added a toxic conniving lesbian character that tried to kill herself off in front of the main character for petty reasons only for the literal next chapter to have her be fine again and crushing on a girl like a normal person
#and the friend group at large was like 'wtf happened on the roof shes like normal now'#hiyokoi was a fundamental manga in my development as a human person#i was obsessed with it in middle school#hiyokoi#anyways happy lesbian visibility day#hiyokoi was not the kinda story that went to such intense extremes in any other scenerio either#it was very basic high school slice of life romance#the only gimmick was the height difference and that hiyorin had social anxiety at the beginning#otherwise it was SO normal#guess the mangaka got bored
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when I want to write something self indulgent to give me all the angsty and cuddly hurt/comfort feels but I can't because I end up feeling guilty because I'm seeking after feels that I feel in an inappropriate place because my mom told me one time when I was 15 that I shouldn't search that out or it's probably sexual sin but it confuses me because ALL the feels happen that way for me even if it's entirely platonic and nonsexual and so I don't know if it's okay to want to write to that because apparently all pleasure of any sort, even over platonic stories, is sexual or comes with a possibly probably sexual feeling and I also am having a hard time figuring out what's genuine conviction from God and what's just my anxiety/OCD/perfectionism/fear of failure
#like I feel like it's conviction. but also when I analyze it... I'm not doing anything sexual??? the stories I'm writing are#ENTIRELY platonic#it's like. found family feels.#but then why do I feel so guilty/convicted over it and feel better/less guilty when I stop writing anything feelsy#like... I guess I'm only allowed to write plot and can't ever write hugs and hurt/comfort anymore#my mom keeps saying I should journal all this instead of venting it at everybody and honestly maybe she's right#idk how to handle this but also I feel like if I just find a holding pattern where I can strike a healthy balance of lile#like* what is correct and healthy for me to enjoy#then the anxiety over it might pass? I don't want to avoid conviction though but like. why am I convicted over#writing a story where someone who's been treated like a monster finds a family who loves them#like.. is it because I'm seeking out whatever that feeling in my lower belly/groin is????#but that's like... so tied up in enjoyment and hurt/comfort to me that idk if I'm ACTUALLY looking for that#or if this is just what I write#and idk if that even is sinful in any way at all!!!#and why can't I just get over this? like I keep going in circles with it and it's so frustrating#idk this is totally tmi I just got hit with this awful feeling after work today and the only thing I can pinpoint it to#is this specific thing I've been writing. but even though yeah I've been getting feelsy with it... it's PLATONIC#ENTIRELY COMPLETELY NONSEXUAL. so like... is it that pleasure feeling that's the thing I'm being convicted over??#probably. bc that's the only thing that eases the feeling of conviction/anxiety/guilt#and also probably no one is reading all these tags lol sorry guys I'll go away now
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the current art trend but I cheat by picking characters from the same series (and then add a third because my sibling is an enabler)
Anyway, instead of spending forever trying to pick one fav from two separate series, I just draw the blorbos because I cannot be stopped
(the addition of Rain (RCG) in the alternate image was @moonwhing's idea. well, sorta, she gave me an alternative version of Six saying the line, Rain readying a bat (something Moon decided she has, haha) and Mono being the one to say "damn", but I decided to just merge her idea with my initial one (I thought it'd be funnier/more fitting for Mono to say the line and Six to be the second character there (I headcanon Six to be very quiet/doesn't talk much)))
#little fire's art#little nightmares#six little nightmares#mono little nightmares#the girl in the yellow raincoat#me and Moon have extensive headcanons and AUs with these children#well#more like I info dump ideas at Moon and she sometimes tosses her own ideas back at me#I got really into this series a couple couple years ago and I have not been the same ever since#not me hyperfixating on a game with a vague story and running off with it to turn into my own playground#anyway all Nightmare Children are feral#I will die on this hill#my second post on this blog and it's LN brainrot#because of course it is#hi I'm fire and my linework is messy and never steady!#anxiety's settling in now so I should post this before I chicken out lmao
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Writers tag game
Prompt: share some writing
Thanks for the tag, @miyamiwu!
So, I'll be honest, I don't actually have any WIPs I'm intending to do anything with, but I have some oldish abandoned stuff I managed to relocate. It's back from 2021 so in my Untamed era and this bit was specifically set during Fatal Journey*:
Nie Huaisang woke blearily, cold seeping into his clothes from the floor. It was dark and it took several seconds to remember where he was. He could hear the muffled sounds of clanging and voices. As he lifted his head off the ground, they slowly resolved themselves into the clash of swords and yelling. [...] He didn't know what to do. What would his brother do? Xichen-ge? San-ge? He had his flute with him– he could try Cleansing. This was what it was for, right? Before he could doubt himself further, he started playing, pouring all the qi he could muster into the tune. He'd practised for hours the night before, long after San-ge had left, but despite that, he hadn't truly thought then that he'd need to play so soon. Was that so naïve of him? As he watched, Da-ge began to slow in his movements and Nie Huaisang felt himself start to relax. He kept his lips to the flute, trying not to let his relief fool him into making mistakes. Still, he knew he only had to play a little longer and then they could all escape. Him, his brother, his cousin. They could flee far away from the darkness that haunted these halls. And then Nie Zonghui's head hit the floor. He stopped playing.
And then I had this other bit:
He'd messed up. He must have played a wrong note. Maybe he'd misremembered the entire thing? And now Nie Zonghui was dead and his brother - what looked like his brother - was stood, Baxia dripping blood to the floor. [...] The sword was pointed at him. He tried to hold himself steady as he looked down the blade. Tried to blink away the tears that kept escaping without his permission. He could tell he was failing, unable to stop the trembling, but he forced himself to meet the eyes at the other end of the sword. He couldn't die here. He refused to die here. After all, he was the only family his brother had left.
*(it was meant to be part of a short time travel fic where post-canon characters went back not long before NMJ died. It would've had flashbacks to Fatal Journey interspersed with the "present" up until the point at which future NHS tipped off past NHS about the poisoned music. I actually got as far as figuring out where I wanted all the characters to be at the end of it, but I ran out of motivation pretty quickly so there's only this WIP stuff and the intro part written in the end.)
Ahh not sure who to tag when it comes to writing stuff. I know @roseofcards90 and @floofiestboy write some stuff? And anyone else who sees this who writes, feel free to consider yourself tagged ^^
#I'll be honest. I don't think I'm going to ever post fully for any variation of this fandom because I'm not into it enough anymore#and honestly need to rewatch at some point but also (and this is the big thing) the fandom is just too big it lowkey intimidates me#so sticking to lc methinks which I have a couple of ideas for but haven't been able to actually put anything down#I really want to go into my take on cxs and ql's relationship because I've done something for ql and lg + lg and cxs now#but I kinda think my view on the whole thing isn't exactly the same as the main agreed view on the eng fandom side#like. ql said to ltx she considers cxs a sibling but as for if she'd say that to his face? as for if anyone else considers them siblings?#I think it's complicated (and I mean ql never got ostracised like cxs did) and also cxs's parents factor in to some extent#anyway! I'm tangenting. thanks again for the tag! this had me looking at my more recent stuff for comparison which was interesting#ask meme#miyamiwu#also argh I'm looking at this stuff again and it's like I can do the end lines for impact but the stuff before that is so messy#and also. I keep saddling every character I write with some form of anxiety which works for some characters but not all#I need to either figure out another approach or just write loid forger pov 'til the end of time :V
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send help, I can't stop making signalis ocs
#and most of them are mynahs. to nobody's surprise#I swear to god if they all my characters belonged to the same timeline and planet they could fill sierpinsky-23#so far we got#trigger's cadre (and other relevant replikas from the same facility: two storches. one adler. two aras. one eule and one gestalt)#sasha and her gelstalt parents#winzig#a team of five mynahs making a tunnel trough enemy territory (and the schnapper that is leading them)#a guy mynah and his adler coworker/bf who just wanted to discover new lands but instead found ✨the horrors✨#← a suspicious kolibri and ominously threatening falke from the same story#a depressed mynah that works alone in a now defunct power plant (ft her kolibri supervisor whom she has attachment issues with)#two mynahs that repurposed an abandoned research center in the artic as an inn#original unit that does crime scene/biohazard cleanup#original unit that explore and do rescues in cave systems and stuff#original male unit that is pretty much a translator/interpreter with anxiety#a sentient corrupt storch and her emotional support cowardly eule#crazy scientist/doctor ara and her mynah wife that she experiments on#and the latest adition:#a group of “rogue” replikas (and implied gestalts too. but mostly replikas) hiding somewhere in leng#← including two kolibri siblings. an adler married to one of them. a star obsessed with customs and rules. a “tough” mynah and her “prisone#(← it's actually her mynah friend that she has a crush on. luckily for her she also corresponds her feelings but they REALLY need to talk)#holy shit that's a lot of tags. sorry y'all#the yappening
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assorted thoughts 1/when sklonda mentioned getting drinks with sandra lynn now and then I straight up cheered I was so scared for her social life being so overworked 2/straight up have no judgement on the whole ratgrinder situation on account of being a whole grown man. Im not getting into beef with fictional teenagers let them sort that out among themselves 3/sprak levefre
#not art#my oldest daughter with a grown sibling ass going I hope sklonda makes time to chill#she should be at the club. for free. they should pay her to be at the club#honestly its kind of a thing with riz too but thats more like. ok the thing is riz just fr loves mysteries#so tbh its more like if u yknow. love drawing and u draw for fun#and now u also draw for job. like I feel like thats the thing thats going on with riz#dude who playtests as a job and then goes home and plays more games. but with mysteries#but with sklonda it really feels like. its something shes Good at bc shes diligent and careful and has a moral spine#rather than something she actively enjoys. like her job is solidly her Job#so she immediately hits that alarm trigger in my brain seeing moms going about like#!!!⚠️⚠️STOP⚠️⚠️!! DO YOU HAVE A HOBBY ARE YOU CULTIVATING YOUR SOCIAL LIFE#and with her it fucking Got me too bc she just! doesnt seem to have the time to build that for herself#and the fact that she (Like Riz) is Living While Goblin in elmville and the isolation that probably entailed#like the empty nesting down the line would hit her like a baseball bat it would be Brutal#so genuinely knowing that she is casually hanging out with sandra lynn (and probably other parents in the group as well)#thats a whole piece of anxiety off my mind watching this show lmao. moms!#anyways sprak lefevre my beloved. actually I retract my vow of neutrality sprak's party better really like him and treat him right#or else.#he is prrrrrobably an artificer but personally itd be so funny if he isnt. what if hes a bard
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Me, looking at Hornet: here have my diagnoses
#she’s got autism and anxiety now#bc i said so#hollow knight#hornet hollow knight#hk hornet#hollow knight headcanon#hornet headcanons
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so
#last night was really so so so fun and it was super hard to get myself to go out? like#in the sense of I really wanted to because I knew it would be fun but I also knew my anxiety was eating me alive#and it would be an obstacle getting through that without alcohol and I need to be … careful#but I got fun drunk and didn’t have too bad of a hangover and didn’t feel super anxious once we got out :#and a different friend wants to make plans for tonight but I am really bad at making plans in advance because sometimes I physically can’t#do things after work bc tired bc neuro disorder and it’s frustrating to my friend with severe control issues#bc she needs to make specific plans like a week out and I’m like erm babe I can’t like#do that? and then if I don’t feel well day of and need to be home she gets (rightfully) frustrated because I’m bailing but it’s#challenging. and you don’t understand unless you live with it.#and it’s frustrating for us both. I don’t want her to think I don’t value her because I do and I force myself out often enough bc I#genuinely feel bad. but it’s so fucking hard sometimes . she also lives sort of far so going from work and having#to drive an hour to her place to then go somewhere and be out like#I’m spent before I even get there#friend I saw last night and I don’t talk consistently but when we do it’s always the same vibe and so fun and we just catch up about life#I feel like when I see my other friends they have things to always talk about because they’re in a discord call almost every night#I don’t have the energy!!!!!!!!!! like I’m so sorry that’s so much for me#idk she isn’t answering me now but if she wants to do something I need to know in the next hr bc if not I’m literally going to bed#I love her but there’s a disconnect between us rn and I don’t know how to mend that gap#but I do love her friendship so I’m just like. sigh#idk it would be different if she was closer and I know that#I hope getting back on medication helps get me being more social again. I’m just so tired this week that speaking is hard lol
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i feel rly sad and conflicted abt one of my best friends on earth but idk who to ask for advice bc i usually would have consulted her in this situation lmao
#shes cool and i dont want to lose her and i know Logically i love her but atm i feel so strange towards her#and idk what to do abt it bc i know in the past ive like...over-communicated a lot and over the last few yrs ive been trying to not do that#bc thats an anxious impulse i think .so like . self control#AND IMPORTANTLY . i may actually be the problem here ?? ok again i love her i dont want to lose her etc but basically ive noticed a pattern#which is that whenever she gets a bf/a man (even fwb) in her life she basically stops talking to me and the limited interactions we do have#become abt him. and while i support her it is acc too much. like we barely talked while she was w her ex bf until he became abusive and#then we talked a lottt like all our convos understandably were abt him . and then when they broke up we kept hanging out so i didnt rly see#the pattern there but still she seemed to centre men a lot in her life like sbe was excited to not date and find herself and then#immediately afterwards started seeing this other guy with whom shes basically in a relationship now#hes nice and all but like . HES ALL SHE TALKS ABT . actually we barely talk atp but when we do its abt him#she sends me reels sometimes but its all abt being jealous abt him etc . and shes bi but she said she doesnt like the idea of dating women#bc theyre scary . and i thought she was kidding in the ohhh women r so beautiful that theyre intimidating way but no she was being entirely#fr . she explained jts bc she was bullied by a girl in the past but like...bro ur ex bf literally abused you like surely you see men are#capable of just as much harm? but obvs who she dates is her own choice . but anyway she has consistently made plans w me then cancelled the#like an hr before . or asked to call me and then proceeded to not do so . when i ask her to meet/call its the same she just doesnt respond#or she cancels ? and while i understand anxiety sucks it feels SO WEIRD STILL . maybe im the problem slightly too bc ik i have no right to#feel this way but it rubs me the wrong way that ik she has so much time to spend w him/calls him all the time despite meeting him just a fe#months ago whereas i just have to like ...be ok w not actually having talked to her for a long time#its gotten to the point where when she says do you wanna meet/call i automatically respond yes and then just assume it doesnt happen . like#there have been several times over the past few months i double booked plans over when we were supposed to call/meet bc i was sure she#wouldnt show up and ive been right each time#like she sends me texts that she misses me or im her best friend etc etc occasionally and then acts rly . contrary to that ?#ive talked to her abt the issue w cancelling on me twice btw. when i was still dating the situationship person she would get sooo mad at#them for not respecting my time and shed tell me i deserve better etc etc and then like . she doesnt seem to respect my time at all#anyway she said she understand and she admits to like...being flaky etc but does nothing abt it#and its not like i can tell her to stop caring so much abt men bc we sorta had convos like that b4 she got This involved w this guy#and apparently it did nothing and the last thing i want is to police her relationships or get in her way#its just AUSHD AUGH#anyway i rly miss her it just doesnt feel the same at all anymore
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LMFAO I TOOK MY MUM'S FUCKIN' JOB
#one of her old work friends just called like 'I'm so glad I caught you#I really wanted to be the one who told you!'#honestly i also like the implication that there was a pseudo-race between josie and rachel and kate about who got to tell me first lol#they're all so sweet#i am gonna gossip so hard with my mum's old work friends you don't even know#now it's time to be terrified~~~#but also this is the greatest relief#i feel like i can be a human being again#i've been unemployed so long that i may have felt a bit defective#but even my 'starting work at new job' anxiety is greatly appeased knowing that i know half my co-workers already#and if i need clarification i know they're lovely and i can always ask my mum because she worked there FOREVER#i will brace myself for all the 'Oh you're LIZZY'S daughter!'s that i know i'm gonna get#but AH i'm so relieved#and it's only part time#4 days a week so i can REALLY get back into the swing of working again#I GOT A JOB#nah fuck fear this is just RELIEF#feathers speaks#psa for anyone not up on this tho: my mother retired and I took her job AFTER it went up again#i didn't literally steal my mum's job lol
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