#now ive watched the new seasons since i last watched and then rewatched the entire series because theres so much ive forgotten

[zanukavat]

i'm wondering if i should make a sideblog for rick & morty given that its probably so far from anything my current followers like to see, but i also prefer to just have everything in one place because i'm lazy like that and thats how ive always done it..

i also shouldnt be worrying about this and just posting what i want, to be fair

[offdensen]

i wrote a review for army of the doomstar on letterboxd for my third watch (after marathoning the entire show in one day) and i wanted to share it here, too.

spoiler free.

⛧⛧⛧

i think it's time for me to say something actually substantial about this film now that i've rewatched it after having gone through the entire series once again.

the thing is, it's impossible for me to judge this fairly or objectively. my attachment to this series, to the music, to the characters, to anything that brendon small touches means i can never be unbiased about the production of the film. i spent years lamenting the lack of a proper ending, thankful for 2017’s galaktikon II: become the storm providing an infringement-avoidant ending but still left wanting. having a proper conclusion after so long is a wonderful gift, one that’s made me cry every time i’ve gone through it.

what's so incredible about this film is that it’s as if no time has passed since the doomstar requiem. i can certainly feel that ten years have come and gone since this series was unceremoniously cancelled by the powers that be at [adult swim], and i definitely carry at least some of the teenaged bitterness from that still, but army of the doomstar picks up so well from where we left off that it's a testament to the passion and love the cast and crew have for this silly little show about death metal musicians.

you can tell that these characters live in brendon small so intensely after all this time. he picks them up effortlessly, not just in his performance, but also in his writing and direction. tommy blacha is as strong as ever, particularly as a haunted, tormented murderface. how extraordinarily lucky we are to have victor brandt, mark hamill, and malcolm mcdowell returning to give their characters one final hurrah.

visually, it's an absolute treat. army of the doomstar feels cinematic in a way that makes it stand out not just compared to its source material, but also to its [as] contemporaries. it still has that slight titmouse jank that i dearly love, enough that it doesn't feel divorced from its roots; it is the logical conclusion to the art evolution the show had been endeavoring through every season. not showing this on the big screen, even for a very limited run, is an injustice.

music has always been metalocalypse's high-point and it remains true here. brendon small never really departed from that heavy sound during the show’s temporary death, having expanding upon it in galaktikon II with a stronger emphasis on synth. this really shines in the film’s score, balancing its orchestral and guitar-forward metal elements delicately well. dethklok itself is as technically impressive as ever, returning with that more mature sound from the last season. dethalbum IV works delightfully well as a companion piece.

i don’t know how this film would fair to those that haven’t revisited the show since it was still airing new episodes, to those that never kept up with the overarching story, or to those who were particularly married to what we were given in galaktikon II. the grand spectacle of become the storm was traded for something that better resembled the thesis of the show, the thread seen throughout that tied ego and selfishness to loss and destruction, not just to others but also to oneself.

i also don’t think it could be evaluated fairly as a standalone film. truly, how much does it matter how well something stands on its own when it's sewn from a grander piece?

army of the doomstar is different, both in overall tone from the show and plot-wise from its proxy from 2017, and i think this is to its betterment. it is still funny like its origin, but it is also heartfelt, it is genuine, it is sorrowful, it is hopeful. it is a love-letter to the music it was birthed from and to the fans that kept it breathing. it is niche, but it is ours.

thank you, brendon, for not breaking up with us.

[canayams-art]

it's meee, the qianqing anon✨ it certainly been a while since ive been in your asks jsjdjdjd the uni has been crazy and the finals were approaching so i had to force my focus on studying instead of screaming about my faves to anyone who was willing to listen :") but now that that's out of the way for a while now because the second semester has already started, im free to go back to my deranged brainrots sjejejejjeke

OH I ALMOST FORGOT very very late merry christmas (if you celebrated) and happy new years!! 🎉🎉

im rewatching the second season of tgcf at the moment and im going crazy over the small lqq moments i missed in my first watch wjejejek he's just such an amazing character and soo 😍 i love/hate that im now restarting the angst 😭😭

SOMEHOW I ALSO MISSED THE BRIEF BLURRY SHI WUDU CAMEO AND I WAS SCREAMING ABOUT IT FOR HALF AN HOUR TO MY FRIEND!! I CANT WAIT TO SEE HIM IN HIS FULL CORRUPTED GLORY IF WE EVER GET GHE BLACK WATER ARC ANIMATED!! he actually might be in my top three favorite characters from tgcf even if i don't talk about him nearly as much as i talk about mq

anyways. LQQ!! i know i already watched everything and i know that i know what's going to happen but man i am not prepared to go through that again! while i am EXTREMELY glad that we got to see him boil qr alive AND slice him in half, THE PAIN THE ANGUISH THE CONFLICT JWJWIEKEKKEJJE

i don't think i will be getting him out of my head anytime soon :")) im even more salty that he doesn't get a more important scenes later in the series :((

unfortunately ive been a bit brain-dead because of the most boring subjects in the world ughhh so i don't have any new lqq and mq thoughts :(( if you do pls share with me, im dying for every crumb of creativity available skkekekeke

also idk if i mentioned this in my last ask, but it makes me so happy that both you and your followers like these little lqq/mq rants 🥹 it makes me excited to share whatever new idea pops into my brain and know that there are somewhere ppl who get just as excited about them as i do

anyways, i hope you're doing well!! 😽😽

Welcome back qianqing anon!!!

I hope finals went well for you and that you’ve been able to catch your breath again. I also hope you enjoyed the holiday season!

Every time I see or think about donghua lqq I feel so grateful to the production team for depicting the way lqq feels and expresses himself so intensely. I know we all know this by now but his arc really is my favorite within the entire story,,, 🥹 It’s a shame we really only see him in the early chapters and the final ones— I genuinely think his story could easily be its own novel/extra.

Also where does shi wudu show up???! If it’s later in s2 then I haven’t spotted him yet cos I,,,,, still haven’t gotten around to finishing s2 (life got in the way of quality time in lqq land 😭). I feel you though— I find shi wudu interesting in such a way where I love his character but I also feel he 100% got what was coming to him LMAO. Blackwater arc is gonna be so wild to see.

But!! Back to qianqing lol. I was thinking earlier about the fact that lqq answers any personal communication array regardless of who is contacting him. Meanwhile mq haunts the public communication array but gives this vibe that not a lot of people have access to his personal array,,,, made me think about how mq seems like the type who always reaches out to lqq privately, knowing that lqq will always answer, but refuses to give his password in return. Lqq probably asked him once and mq probably told him something like “It’s pointless when I know you’ll answer me no matter what.” (Bonus: maybe mq finally decides to hand his password over when lqq ends up going down to the mortal realm to seek his revenge— like it’s mq’s way of telling lqq that he’s concerned but without flat out saying he’s concerned for lqq LOL)

Anyway! Please always feel free to slide into the inbox. I may be slow to reply to these but they really do make my day. The qianqing brainrot never sleeps 😂

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of a commonplace book

8pm, monday, august 15, 2022

once again writing this on my phone in the background while waiting for my turn during dnd, as god intended; nature is healing, we were the virus, etc. since i can’t do a read-more on mobile, this will just be a quick one!

reading another week finishing things— TGCF vol 2, xiran jay zhao’s iron widow, getting into the last few chapters of perdido street station. glad to have finished iron widow and been able to return the loan, it felt like an accomplishment— aside from that, it… felt like a first novel. huge vision, very pointed messages, two or three ‘plot twists’ that i either suspected or outright called well in advance. i don’t love first person narration for a novel like this, the struggle btw ‘believably unreliable’ and ‘observant / objective enough to actually provide descriptions and context’ is super hard to get right (this is also what bugged me abt the hunger games, don’t @ me). there’s one particular choice in iron widow that i did quite like (predictably, the handling of the love not-triangle), but that didn’t quite outweigh some of the stuff that made me uncomfortable (not bc they were problematic, just bc i’m very suggestible and a weeny about physical discomfort).

listening my buddy @pep-squad-lizzie dropped a link to the defector podcast ‘Normal Gossip’ in the group chat a little while ago, and i’ve just about finished both seasons. i like the host’s voice and manner, i’ve really liked most of the guests—as the question is posed each episode, i have been asking myself ‘what is my relationship to gossip? do i consider myself a gossip?’ i think what i like is the reflecting on / analyzing / sharing emotional responses on the stories, empath- or sympathizing with the participants. i like emoting about people, places, and things with people i trust not to pass on the news of how i feel about those things! i really value and respect a Cone of Silence when a friend imposes it; i live and work in communities too small not to, we need places to be candid with no fear of it getting back to the people involved. that said, we also live by sharing stories abt professors not to work with, people looking for roommates or with interesting syllabus examples to talk through— so it’s a judgement call. i like the anonymized gossip on the podcast, but i might like the guests’ editorializing and reacting best? especially when they take an unexpected stance or are willing to sympathize with someone at first. i like thinking the best of people at first, until they prove they don’t deserve it, and it’s nice when the guests do too. i quite liked the josh gondelman episode.

watching my house watched master & commander: far side of the world this week, a rewatch for all of us i think. i’m pretty much incapable of being impartial about this one, but it’s a good damn movie. the visuals, the soundtrack. i like how the plot is almost entirely character-interaction driven, despite it being a war movie; i like how the emotional beats have only gotten more real and painful as i’ve gotten older; i do actually now notice and feel irritation abt the fact that sophie and diana and any of the female characters from the books who could have been included are totally not there even in flashbacks or memories or…anyway.

playing more stardew. @leadfeathers made a post a little while ago about relaxing in the tub listening to news podcasts and playing stardew, and that was me this weekend if you make the soundtrack strangers’ gossip and also i couldn’t take my laptop in the bath i have finally expanded my cottage! ive started the mysterious qi quest! my irritation about how little the game internally does to help you out *as a person playing a video game* as opposed to a fictional farmer is balanced against my ongoing awe about how the game expands and adds elements or allows you to deepen and expand what you’re doing.

making garden pics as things start to bloom and ripen! the little leaf in the black plastic pot is a lemon seed i’m delighted to see making a go of it; the big yellow squash blossoms are probably zucchini.

[qsdblogging]

Top 10 TV Shows You Need To Watch Right Now

Now, I watch a lot of television. I always have and frankly, I’m much more of a binge watcher than a wait-around-for-a-week-for-the-next-episode kind of watcher. 

And with everything the past few months, there wasn’t all that much to do other than start rewatching some of my favorite shows and some that I’ve never seen or haven’t seen in a while.

So, that’s what I did and here I am giving you some recommendations for shows to add to your own watching lists. 

Warning, though, some of these don’t end the best way and may end up more as a disappointment. I’ll leave that up to you to decide.

I. Fringe.

I cannot recommend this show enough to people. It’s got five full seasons (although the last could’ve been a little better, but it’s honestly not that bad of a final season) of high-risk scenarios revolving around almost unexplainable phenomena regarding a tear in the fabric of reality. It deals with experiments that gives superpowers (basically), advanced technology, and a parallel universe. 

Plus, there’s a cow.

What more could you want from a show?

Some familiar faces that are in the main cast or show up at some point include John Noble, who you may recognize from Sleepy Hollow and The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King, Lance Reddick, who was in The Wire, White House Down, American Horror Story, and played Charon in the John Wick franchise, Leonard Nimoy, who you should know from the original Star Trek series, and Anna Torv from Mindhunter. 

II. Lincoln Rhyme: Hunt for the Bone Collector.

Now, if you know crime books, you may know exactly what this is based off of. If not, fear not, I am here to tell. This series (which, like a lot of the others down the list, unfortunately, got cancelled and won’t get to see a second season) was based off of The Bone Collector, a first in a series of novels by Jeffery Deaver. 

If you like crime shows, you should definitely give this a shot. Don’t let the fact that it’s only one season stop you.

Things get pretty wild in just one season as it revolved around a retired forensic criminologist, who had been trying to catch the Bone Collector only to get injured, that gets back into the game three years later when an ambitious young detective is determined to help solve the case when a new body shows up.

You might even recognize a face or two, like Arielle Kebbel (the ambitious young detective) from her role as Lexi in The Vampire Diaries and Olivia Charity in Midnight, Texas, and Russell Hornsby (the retired forensic criminologist) from Grimm, The Hate U Give, Proven Innocent, and The Affair.

III. Manifest.

Luckily, this show is said to be getting a third season and so far, isn’t going to get cancelled. It focuses on passengers from Flight 828, who show up five years after their plane went missing. Some passengers start experiencing what they call ‘callings’ and try to figure out if they were chosen for some sort of duty that the callings led them too, but things get a little confusing when someone who wasn’t on a flight seems to have a year missing of their own life after being deemed missing.

Things get a little weird and dangerous along the way, and not everyone is happy about how things turn out.

It’s pretty interesting and I’m really looking forward to what else they come up with. There’s a few familiar faces that play a part in the show that includes Daryl Edwards, who you may recognize from the first season of Daredevil, Ellen Tamaki who is also in the reboot of Charmed, Athena Karkanis, who’s been in The Expanse and Lost Girl, and Josh Dallas, who one may recall playing Prince Charming in Once Upon a Time, and Fandral in Thor.

It’s a rather good show to get lost in and I definitely recommend giving it a go.

IV. Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.

If you don’t have an idea as to what this show is, I don’t know what to say. The title kind of gives it away. It’s the only Marvel Show (as of now since none of the shows in production have come out as of yet) to technically be connected to the MCU itself.

That’s found in one of the main characters, Phil Coulson, who you’d recognize from Captain Marvel, Iron Man, Iron Man 2, Thor, and The Avengers. Plus, Cobie Smulders (Maria Hill) and Samuel L. Jackson (Nick Fury) both give a cameo in the show. 

The show was rumored to have been set in a different, but similar, timeline to that of the MCU movies, but I don’t know for sure if it’s true or not. 

It follows its own set of issues, including a deeper dive into the fall of S.H.I.E.L.D., issues with HYDRA, and so on and so forth. The last season, which I honestly cried during, gives such good twists and callbacks to previous seasons and the MCU movies that you can’t help but enjoy how it’s handled.

As a show, it probably has one of the best final seasons possible and I highly recommend giving the full seven seasons a watch if you haven’t already.

V. Primeval.

Now, if you like dinosaurs, this is a show for you. It’s BBC, so obviously everyone has an accent. It gave a run of five seasons (which is kind of funny because I didn’t realize that until just now writing this as the show is listed as number five on the list) with different episode amounts. 

The show centers around anomalies that seem to open up a window to the very distant past of Earth when dinosaurs still roamed the land. It causes a lot of issues, especially if one person has anything to do with it.

It’s pretty interesting and honestly has got some great characters (my personal favorite is Captain Becker, played by Ben Mansfield) and while it can get pretty serious, it’s also pretty entertaining. It’s one of the three shows on this list to get to end on a good-ish note. (AKA, no cliffhangers!)

Obviously, I highly recommend giving it a shot. It’s kind of the point of this list.

VI. Terra Nova.

Now, like Primeval, this show technically has to do with dinosaurs. Dinosaurs aren’t the main focus, but they do play a part in this one season (because cancellations) story. 

Terra Nova is focused on both the future and the past. In the distant future (2149), the Earth is dying. A group of people, researchers, and military as well as some of their family members, are sent to the past (85 million years) to inhabit Terra Nova, a colony of humans given a second chance to build civilization. 

So, obviously, dinosaurs are going to make an appearance now and then. And unfortunately, the show only got one season and ends on a cliffhanger. Which I hate, because I really enjoy this show and wish it had been able to at least get a second season.

Plus, there are some familiar faces amongst the cast. Jason O’Mara, who plays one of the main cast members, played Jeffrey Mace in Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.. Christine Adams, who plays Lynn Pierce in Black Lightning. Allison Miller, who played Sonya in 13 Reasons Why. And Naomi Scott, who is known for her roles in Lemonade Mouth (one of my all-time favorite DCOMs) and Aladdin. And this was just to name a few of the cast members. 

Shame it got cancelled, truly, but I recommend giving it a shot.

VII. MTV’s Scream.

I think you can figure out the basis of this show. While it doesn’t have anything to do directly with the movie franchise, it is kind of similar and a lot of the characters reflect those from the show. Neve Campbell even said that if the show did well, she would be willing to do a cameo.

It revolves (at least the first two seasons as season three is an entirely different set of cast and premise that I refuse to watch because of that) around Emma Duval and her group of friends as they’re picked off one by one by a serial killer going around town. Things get bloody and suspicions arise amongst the crew when things are revealed as the show continues, but things eventually work out in the end.

And personally, I really enjoyed the show even when the second season ended on a cliffhanger. I have theories about that cliffhanger, however, so watch out for a possible post regarding it. 

I highly recommend giving it a chance if you haven’t seen it. 

VIII. The Society.

Now, the title doesn’t give you much. A group of teenagers, who were sent off on a trip, suddenly are dropped back off in their town to find it completely empty aside from themselves. They have to form their own society to survive and figure things out.

Once you know that, it makes a little more sense.

It seems really similar to the Pied Piper tale, but it doesn’t seem like we’re going to really know for sure. Season 2 had been given a go-ahead, but not too long ago Netflix announced the cancellation of the show.

That doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy the first season like I do. Plus, if you’re a fan of Supernatural and the character of Claire Novak, Kathryn Newton plays one of the main roles in this show.

It’s a shame the show got cancelled, especially on a cliffhanger, but what can we do?

IX. The Mysteries of Laura.

Laura Diamond, a Homicide Detective, cracks case after case while trying to raise twin boys and locking horns with her less than helpful Police Detective ex-husband. At least, this is according to IMBD and frankly, it’s not really wrong. 

For two seasons, it’s packed with comedy and crime. It’s more of the former, but it still gets pretty serious every now and then, and unfortunately ends on a cliffhanger. 

However, some cast members may be familiar. Like Josh Lucas, who voices Home Depot commercials (and trust me, it made my family laugh when we first heard one after watching the show), Laz Alonso who plays MM in The Boys, and Debby Ryan, from Disney Channel. 

If you like light-hearted crime shows (like Brooklyn-Nine-Nine) you should definitely give this a watch.

X. Warrior Nun.

As far as I know, this show has been renewed for a season two. I’m really hoping for it because it’s honestly kind of interesting. You can kind of tell by the title what it may be, but I’ll dive a little deeper.

After waking up in a morgue, Ava, an orphaned teen, discovered she now possesses superpowers as the chosen Halo Bearer for a secret sect of demon-hunting nuns. (Taken from IMDB). Interesting, right?

With characters like Shotgun Mary, Sister Beatrice, and Sister Lilith, you know the show’s going to be interesting. But the premise is pretty interesting on it’s own too.

There’s even a character called JC, who apparently has nothing to do with Jesus Christ, but I still like referring to him as such because it’d be pretty funny if that’s how it turns out. Also, someone gets beat up with a whole chicken at some point.

It’s only got the one season so far, but it’s pretty funny and action packed. Like everything on this list, I definitely think you should watch it and find out for yourself if you want to add it to your list if you haven’t already.

[rqs902]

.

yang chaowen is really a sensitive kid... man he brings out renyu's song's feels and then brings up ylq to relate to the lyrics bc he knows his friend isnt getting as much appreciation as himself. (this makes even more sense after ylq said he had been crying before ycw went onstage and ycw was comforting him... and then after ycw came off the stage, it was time for ylq to comfort him from crying TT) Their friendship is really something. But then ycw saying he just gets ripped for getting screentime for crying all the time ouch but i dont get the feeling that hes doing it for attention but maybe im becoming partly biased towards chaowen :) 

Lol the fact that they focus so much on xzx and how hes favored by gjm but feels like it's unfair to be treated uncomfortably by other trainees as a result... all i can say is, what do u expect, of course the other kids will be salty, their lives are on the line and theyre getting nothing close to the attention you are, so unfortunately u cant win everything :(

Lol I see why everyone on twitter is annoyed at gjm... Jackson is literally trying to say something meaningful and mentor-like to su er and gjm literally interrupts with his own opinion.... jackson is like unable to finish his thought. and then when Cheng xiao is actually trying to give ma haowen advice, gjm just goes WELL I DISAGREE, THIS IS RENYU'S FAULT and everyone's like wtffffff???? And then he starts saying people can help Xinhai with his terrible dance (ouch) but renyu didnt help haowen sing and Huang enyu MY CHILD just goes: but dancing and singing are different....... and I'm just smh.... gjm really shouldnt act like he knows everything when hes the only mentor with zero actual relevant experience :( Poor renyu literally looks like hes about to burst into tears, ma haowen looks so sorry and appalled renyu's getting yelled at and none of the other mentors seem to agree with gjm lol 

lets appreciate renyu’s song, its really good!!! 

Lol this whole mentor segment is a mess but man chaowen and renyu won a lotta votesss ayyy

I think xue en seeing hwh as a pro rapper shows him humbling himself, since hes technically a more seasoned and popular idol performer

Cheng xiao fangirling over xue en I mean SAME hahahahahahaha awwwwww yzx being soooo genuinely happy for xue en is the cutest!!! Aw cto friendship and xue en crying :’) actually one thing ive noticed i feel like yzx seems like a genuinely kind and cheerful friend, maybe people are bashing him bc he pushed off some leaderly responsibilities to lin mo in the last round but maybe hes just not someone to take on a strict leader role (looks at aj from afo...) and realized that since lin mo has such experience and is really good at it, it makes sense to respect his experience and skill and let him take on that role. of course its unfortunate that means lin mo worked extra for less recognition, but i think it seems like yzx really respected and admired him so im hopeful what happened wasnt due to mean intentions 

watching chen junhao feeling lost oh man :/ maybe he hadnt fully prepared himself for the idol life when first coming on this show. its unfortunate reality that in this kind of idol survival show, the focus is more on stage presence and face and performance, rather than the music itself. Hopefully he really feels that hes found a path forward through this performance. This is a really real way to present him but I'm sad theres not as much focus on li chenxu when this is hissss song

Man both the self composed songs are really good!! Mann them making this song a dance song is really hard to watch for li chenxu bc its makes it hard for him to shine at his own song which is sad :( also lzx's rap is questionable lol but cjh's vocal part in the middle part is so emotional, I hope he felt like he was able to express himself fully there

Lol does gjm not realize they didnt have a choice to not dance. Lollllll cheng xiao literally said they had too much to do and tried very hard but he didnt listen.

Aww jackson teaching them about team work :') o gosh I have PTSD about jin fan getting classified as a vocal now after uuu..... also not surprised the entire segment was about sxl and even the judging portion lol....

Oof Jin fan's voiceeee I love

Man why does Jin fan always get stuck in not dance songs ><

more appreciation for xu zhaohao vocals pls!!! imo sxl has a poor attitude :/ he doesnt perform calmly under pressure and isnt doing well at making a good atmosphere for practice

LOL why do i feel like lin mo is always saying "song" things hahahah hes really a kid

but mannn yan an just walking into the elevator is so oof

Aw duan xuyu is too nice... but I guess this is the leader in him coming out

Aw yan an immediately encouraging xikan when he lost the center to him

Lolll xikans little “heheh” when he won 

Mannnn ngl even tho yan an leaves the show, I kinda wish he had a bigger role in this perf bc it's literally like his jam.... chinese style influenced dance.... I wish he had at least 1 memorable dance move, like I feel like Luo Joe already had one in the last perf and he has one again here (and hes very talented and he deserves recognition!) but yan an has yet to really show anything and im scared hes gonna just disappear soon :/

They all did so well tho!!! Truly a group of dancers. Really made me want to rewatch the whole thing immediately. altho the beginning I cant unsee the lin mo meme LOL 

and xikan did really well!! His stage presence is real. And hes put effort into his facial expressions

Luo Joe being cute is iconic

Aw yan an cheering on lin mo when revealing his votes!!

Aw I'm surprised 100 ways kids didnt get more votes.... lol ngl i feel like this show is just randomly adding vote bonuses in for random reasons not prespecified for kids they like.... cough gjm yet again

but oo the next ep looks fun hahahha im excited for a happier ep thats not as stressful.

Ycw keeping it real 2020: "im not good at controlling emotions.... i hope if you want to cry or laugh do it loudly, dont care about what other people think"

ok so maybe im liking more new kids than i expected, but i think thats a good thing that the show is making them likable and some kids are able to stand out! honestly i realized I kinda can see why they eliminated so many to begin with. It's sad but also kinda nice tbh (ouch, i know) bc if they really got rid of the ones who have less skill, it makes it easier for the others who dont have to teach from zero (cough lin mo) And then those with skill get to have at least 3(?) stages, unlike qcyn where jin fan got eliminated after only doing 1 silly stage lol The skill level of the stages is also raised, like there's multiple groups of almost all people who are well qualified. im sure the kids are happy that they get to do more stages, im sure that means a lot to them. 

At least on snzm they attempt to give most trainees a positive light and give screentime to more than just the top 10 trainees. and they allow someee time for vocals, dancers and rappers to get appreciation (even tho dancers are still dominating lol)

but yea honestly I disliked the judging on pdc2019 too tho so at least the judges here can be supportive... at times. it is SUPER biased and gjm is very vocal despite his lack of knowledge tho lol 

it's so bad bc I feel like my standards for shows are so low at this point. my standards get lowered with every show I watch. It's like I guess the snzm songs are okay bc I hated the ones on afo more so at least the stages aren't thattt bad lol At least the rules/general setup aren't as terrible as they were on afo..... at least the camera time isnt as biased as it was on qcyn.... sigh the show isnt doing great, and itd be best if the show would help the tygers get more popular, but I guess its prob better than just doing nothing at star master lol. 

qcyn was just painful to watch from "spirit of the knight" onward bc momo literally was buried, mistreated, disrespected and taken advantage of. at least on snzm he gets some screentime and positive recognition.....

tbh i like snzm, maybe thats an unpopular opinion, but at least there have been some really great stages, where the kids really get to shine. at least i can confidently say that bc of snzm, i have met some new kids who i will be sure to follow for new music moving forward :) 

[ghostbustermelanieking]

phantom weights chapter three

one, two

season 11, post my struggle iv. part of my series that i write as i rewatch the x files.

Summary: In the wake of their second encounter, Mulder, Scully, and Jackson reconnect (both by accident and on purpose).

---

The days were entirely too empty.

Scully hadn't gone without a job so long in years. Even when they were on the run, she worked as a waitress or cashier whenever they stayed in one place for long enough. She'd always been driven a little crazy by not working, ever since she was in her twenties; she thought that she and Mulder had similarly restless souls. Now, they had no jobs, nothing to do besides sit around the house all day.

Scully was fairly sure that she could get her job at the hospital back (or at a new hospital), provided that no one found out about the things she had leaked on the Internet. But Mulder had convinced her to wait until a few months after the baby was born, and considering it was a high risk pregnancy anyways, Scully couldn't argue much with that. She needed the rest. They'd already more or less determined that Mulder could just stay home with the baby once it came along—they’d talked about a teaching position at Quantico, but they weren't sure that the FBI had any goodwill left for the two of them. And besides that, he seemed to be okay with the idea of staying home. “I'm getting old, Scully,” he joked at one point. “I'll be a stay-at-home dad, take care of the kid. Maybe I can even get some writing done.” (He used to talk about writing, years ago, but he'd never gotten around to it. The idea of him taking up writing again made her incredibly happy.)

It wasn't really the lack of jobs that was the issue. It was the emptiness of the days, all the space to think about where their son was. If he was okay, if he was hurt or getting into trouble, if they'd ever talk to him again. It was enough to drive her crazy.

She tried not to linger on it. She told herself that knowing he was in Richmond was better than knowing nothing. She told herself they couldn't push, or he'd pull away. She told herself that she would have to just wait. And Mulder was saying the same things.

It was nearly agonizing, but they found little ways to fill the day. They read a lot. They found movies to watch or TV shows to binge. They lay in bed half the day, or made slow, lazy love in the middle of the afternoon. Mulder had off-kilter ideas for novels or short stories that he scribbled down on scraps of paper. He painted the baby's room while she advised on color from the hallway, not wanting to be affected by the fumes. They did every single thing they'd ever wanted to do, and things they'd never known they wanted to do. They tried, as best they could, to keep their mind occupied. Sometimes they succeeded. Sometimes they didn't.

They talked about the baby a lot, whenever they could. They speculated on gender sometimes; Mulder thought it was a girl. When she asked how he was so sure, he would just smile and shrug. “I just know,” he said mysteriously. He had name suggestions; she made a couple of her own.

He was in love with the baby already. He slept curled at her back, his hand often straying down to cover her belly. He'd talk to the baby sometimes, tell her stories or read to her from whatever book they were halfway through with. (It ended up being some book of accounts on the Loch Ness Monster, or a book on scientific theories or medical discoveries.) He loved fixing up the baby's room, even though the whole thing seemed a little premature. He was doing all the things he didn't get to do the last time, and she loved it. It was overwhelming as it was scary, the fact that they were doing this again, and she couldn't believe she was experiencing with him. She'd missed him so much with William, missed all the things he'd never gotten to do. She burst into tears at one point, unable to hold back the rush of grateful emotions.

The first time the baby kicked, they were both on the couch reading, Scully growing tired enough that the words were starting to swim around on the page, and she was about to suggest they go upstairs to bed when she felt a strange fluttering in her abdomen. She dismissed it as indigestion at first, until it happened again. And again. And that was when she realized what was happening, when she remembered this feeling from years ago.

Excitement suddenly sprung loose, in the pit of her belly, and she let the book fall to the couch, pressing her hand to the spot. She felt a little phantom foot push back against her palm. She smiled, unable to help it; that was their child in there. Their baby. Despite her guilt over what happened the last time she had a child, despite her fear that she would lose this baby, despite her regret that it had happened this late in life, she couldn't help but love this child tremendously. Couldn't help but be excited, just a little excited.

And Mulder. Mulder was here this time. She was alone the first time William kicked. The first time William kicked had been the night before Mulder’s funeral. She'd been crumpled in the corner of the couch, trying to think of what she could do next (how she was going to keep on without him), and then she felt it, the little flutter inside of her. She'd dismissed it at first until she felt it again and again. She ended up crying, almost as hard as the night she found Mulder dead, her hand pressed to her stomach as if she could tether herself to the baby, make him feel her presence. That was the first time in a long time that she hadn't felt alone. The last time this happened, Mulder was dead, and now he was here, he was with her, and the combination of grief and gratefulness bubbling up inside her made her want to cry.

“Mulder,” she said softly, hand still over the baby.

“Mmm.” He was still absorbed in his book, some new release about Bigfoot theories that he'd probably read to the baby at some point.

She resisted the urge to roll her eyes and nudged his shoulder. “Mulder, you have to feel this,” she said.

He looked up from his book, startled, his eyes immediately shifting to her abdomen. “Feel… is it… is the baby kicking?”

She nodded, with a little smile, and his eyes lit up. He reached out to touch her stomach, hand landing on the wrong spot, and she reached out to guide it to the right one. She could feel the baby kicking at his hand, and she really did want to cry now. The smile spreading across his face meant everything in the world to her.

“Oh my god,” he said softly. He leaned down and kissed the round swell, stroked the spot. She laughed a little, unable to help it. He laughed too, both hands there now. “She's kicking so much,” he said with awe. “Are they supposed to kick this much?”

Scully sifted her fingers through her hair, loving the feeling of his hands on her stomach. Years ago, she'd craved his presence madly, and now he was just unquestionably there. “It's perfectly normal,” she said, her voice warm with affection. “Although you might be disappointed when she turns out to love soccer instead of basketball or baseball.”

“I can learn to love soccer,” Mulder said, kissing the spot again. “Hi, baby,” he whispered, and she felt the flutter of movement again. “How you doing in there?” The baby kicked again in answer.

Scully grinned a little, rubbed her hand over her stomach. Mulder wrapped his arms tight around her waist, cheek against her belly. “I love you,” he murmured, and Scully stroked the top of his head again.

“Which one of us are you talking to?” she asked, amused.

He looked up at her, his eyes dark. “Both of you,” he said. “I love you both so much.”

She seized a handful of his t-shirt and pulled him up until they were nose to nose. Kissed him sweetly. “C’mon,” she said, pushing hair off of his forehead. “Let's go to bed.”

“I think I'm right, you know,” he said, getting up off the couch and extending a hand to help her up.

She took it. “About whether or not it's a girl?” she asked as he pulled her to her feet.

“Mm-hmm.” He smiled peacefully, wrapping an arm around her waist. “And you're coming around, too. You called her she, you know.”

She rolled her eyes. “You're delirious, Mulder,” she said, elbowing him in the side. “We're both exhausted. Let's go to bed, okay?”

“Skeptic,” he said happily, starting towards the stairs. “You did call her she.”

“Only because you did.”

“Sure.” He kissed the top of her head. “I'm working harder on convincing you on something, every single day. Someday, it's going to happen, and you're going to tell me I was right."

“Okay, Mulder,” she said patiently. “Okay.” She leaned over to kiss his cheek.

He rubbed a hand over her side, the two of them stilled on the bottom step, and whispered, “I hope she looks just like you.”

---

A couple of days later, they had a doctor's appointment. They went together, Mulder sticking to Scully's side the entire time, holding her hand. Scully's heart gave a little flutter of relief when the doctor reassured her that everything looked good, the same way it did every time. It was incredibly reassuring to hear.

They got home in the early afternoon, a nap already sounding appealing to Scully. She let Daggoo out in the backyard, dropping her keys on the counter and filling a glass with water as Mulder slipped back into his office, saying something about doing some research. She leaned absently against the fridge; it was early May, and already hot as hell. She put a wayward hand to her stomach and thought about the long, hot months ahead.

Mulder's voice emitted suddenly from his office. “Hey, Scully?” he called gingerly, as if he was concerned about her reaction to whatever he wanted to show her. “C'mere for a second, would you?”

She went, her brow automatically furrowing with worry, wondering why his voice sounded so strained. But he didn't look upset when she entered the office. He was standing over the answering machine, connected to the landline he'd never taken out, despite the both of them having cell phones. He turned to her and gestured her over. “Someone,” he said quietly, “sent us a message today.”

He jabbed at the button with one finger, and the machine clicked. The sound of their son's voice filled the room. “Uh, hi. This is Scully and Mulder's phone, right? This is, uh, Jackson. Jackson Van de Kamp.”

Scully made a little gasping sound, a hand over her mouth. Mulder was leaned a little closer to the machine, as if he wanted to be near the sound. The message kept playing. “I wanted to call, and, uh, let you know I was okay,” Jackson continued. “So you'd know… Oh, and I got a job. Two jobs, actually. Burger King night shifts and a day shift at a warehouse.” He laughed like he was nervous. “Um, anyways. I guess I missed you, but I hope you get this message. Hope you guys are doing okay.” He cleared his throat, the machine crackling. “Uh, bye.”

The machine beeped loudly, jarring Scully. She'd felt a little lost in the sound of her son's voice. She turned to Mulder, her nose stinging as if she was about to cry. “He called us,” she said thickly. She'd tried to be optimistic after everything, but part of her had thought that after buying the apartment, they would never see Jackson again.

“He did,” Mulder whispered, and he turned to wrap his arms around her.

She rested her chin on his shoulder, looking at the answering machine and trying not to cry. “He's okay,” she said muffedly, pressing her lips to his chest. “He wanted us to know he's okay.”

Mulder nodded, his hand cradling the back of her head, rocking her a bit, back and forth. She sniffled, wiping her eyes, and held him tight. He had called. He had called, and surely that meant he would call again. They didn't have him back, but they hadn't lost him either, and they had the potential to see him again. The possibility of it was more than enough.

She squeezed Mulder tight and let go, reaching out to press the button on the answering machine again. To hear their son's voice again.

---

Life was going remarkably okay for Jackson, considering that a few months ago, he had thought he'd be dead any day now.

His jobs kind of sucked, but it was nice to have something to focus on. And he needed the money. He'd made a couple of friends in both places; they were the type who knew where you could get weed and booze, which was helpful. Half the free nights he had, he spent with them, but he spent the rest at his home, sleeping on the couch more often than the bed and watching the Roku he'd bought with the money Mulder had given him. (He didn't need cable, but he obviously needed WiFi.) He relied on takeout a lot at first, but he was pretty sick of fast food after months on the road. So he went grocery shopping, pushing a cart around Food Lion and feeling like a parody of an adult. He could remember grocery shopping with his mom as a kid, looking at all the brand names and begging his mom to buy him the unhealthiest stuff imaginable. Whining that he was bored when she took too long to pick out fruit. Balancing on the end of the cart while his mom pushed until she asked him to please get down. He was tempted to do what he used to when his mom would let him push the cart, which was take one foot off the ground and propel the cart forward with the other, but he figured he looked suspicious enough without bringing that much attention to himself, acting like a dumb little kid. Sometimes he'd change the way others saw his face just for the fun of it.

He called Mulder and Scully exactly once, feeling a little bit of obligation. He knew they didn't want to push him away, so he probably could've gotten away with not calling. But he also knew that Scully kind of expected him not to ever talk to them again, and that made him want to call them just to prove that he wasn't a total ass. So he did it almost out of smugness. (And, if he was telling the truth, a little bit out of curiosity.) But at the same time, a strong part of him didn't want to do it, was scared to do it. The same way he had felt right before talking to them the first time. It took forever to get up the courage to dial the phone (a cell phone, also bought with Mulder's money), and once he finally did, he was relieved when they didn't answer. He left a message, and knew it was going to their landline—he could've called their cells, but there was a greater chance they'd answer, and he honestly didn't want to pick which one to call.

That should've been the end of it. He called, and left a message. It wouldn't be an issue unless they called back. But Jackson couldn't stop thinking about it. The message over the answering machine was old—he’d known that as soon as he heard it—and the sound of the voice on the other end was strange. It'd been her voice, saying, This is Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. Leave us a message, and we'll get back to you. But it was an old message. Her voice sounded different. But he knew they'd been living separately at one point—that was why he had this furniture… So why did they have a joint message that was at least five years old? And why had it never been changed?

It shouldn't have bothered him that much, but he couldn't let it go. It was niggling stubbornly at the back of his mind. As was some other things he'd truthfully been thinking about since last December, since the first time he saw them. He hadn't known much about Ginger (or his birth father) previous to that. In those couple days, he'd figured out a few things. They were in the FBI. They'd named him William. (They'd never stopped thinking about him. They'd loved him.) But there was a lot he still didn't know, a lot he was curious about. He hated to admit it, but he was. He was curious.

He got off of work past midnight that night, and went home to his couch, unable to sleep. He tried texting Sarah (who no doubt was asleep, and didn't always text him back anyways), tried flipping on the TV, but his mind kept wandering. He was restless, and so he picked up his phone and googled Mulder and Scully, halfway expecting nothing to pop up.

The first thing that did was a movie with a suspiciously low score on Rotten Tomatoes. It was called The Lazarus Bowl, and the cover featured actors dressed up like FBI agents, the woman wearing a red bob. Jackson snorted loudly, biting back chuckles, and made a mental note to check that out later. He switched to the News section, and was surprised to see several articles pop up. Some organ-harvesting cult, some witch in Connecticut. Some more cases that made him raise his eyebrows in interest. He should've known they investigated weird shit, considering they got called in on his case, but he never knew it was such overtly weird stuff. He found an entire archive of cases, going back to the 90’s, that they apparently solved. The X-Files. Scrolling through all these cases, Jackson wondered how the hell he'd never seen this part of their lives before.

He stayed up for nearly three hours, reading about cases that sounded vaguely interesting, before he realized what he was doing. He blushed instinctively, his face hot, and closed out of the tab immediately. He couldn't be doing things like this. He couldn't be. It went against every single silent promise he'd made to his parents. The promises he absolutely could not break. He couldn't want to know about them because it was a betrayal to his entire childhood.

He halfway expected Mulder and Scully to call back after the message—Hey, we're so sorry we missed you, please talk to us!—but they didn't. He didn't hear from them for the next few days.

---

Jackson's seventeenth birthday was on a Sunday that year. He had the day off from work, incredibly, and he'd been looking forward to it at first, but now he hated the idea. He couldn't stand the idea of all that empty space, all the time to think about everyone who wasn't there. None of his new friends knew his birthday, so he didn't hear from any of them. Sarah was planning to stay up in Richmond an extra day that she'd spend with him, but he got a text from her that Saturday night saying she was sorry but she couldn't stay, that her parents were way too suspicious already. He told her it was fine. He couldn't let himself wallow. He felt pathetic even being sad about it; he was seventeen years old, and he still got mopey about his birthday like a little kid. He told himself that it didn't matter, it didn't fucking matter.

His mom and dad had given him a great birthday, every single birthday, no matter how much of an ass he was being. Thrown him a party, every year. They'd get him a cake and they'd eat it for breakfast, sometimes in his bed. This year, Jackson bought a cake at the store, but he couldn't find the brand they liked, and the replacement didn't taste nearly as good. Eating cake on the couch alone while watching Netflix wasn't exactly the same of years and years of cake with his parents, and he suddenly found it hard not to cry. He wiped his eyes, pushing his plate away. He felt very small. He realized he couldn't remember the last time he thanked his parents on his birthday, and he was suddenly disgusted by himself. He lay down on his couch, his cheek against the cushion, curled into a ball.

They'd done the cake thing every year for as long as he could remember. There was even a picture of him on his first birthday, smeared with chocolate in his brand new high chair. He'd been adopted at about nine months old, so his parents had spent every birthday with him except for the very, very first one. The one where he was born. The one he'd always been the most curious about his whole life.

Jackson winced, shutting his eyes and rolling over so he was lying facedown. He was thinking about Mulder and Scully now, if only inadvertently. Wondering what that first birthday was like. Wondering how they would've celebrated, if they would've celebrated, if he'd never been given up for adoption. He didn't want to think about it, but now that he was, he couldn't stop. He hated himself for it. He missed his parents so much.

He thought, more than once, about calling and seeing of any of his friends were available. But every time he almost reached for the phone, he chickened out. He still felt insecure around them, he barely knew them. He wanted to be with the people he loved, but he didn't know if he had any of those left. So he lay on the couch, eating cake and pizza and watching Netflix. It wasn't the worst birthday he'd ever had, all things considered—he had been bitten in the eye by a tarantula on his sixth birthday, and spent months in the hospital getting experimented on afterwards—but it sure as hell wasn't one of the best.

Towards the end of the day, Jackson was stretched out across the couch lazily, thinking about ordering some Chinese, when his phone rang. He scooped it up, halfway hoping to see Sarah's name, but that wasn't what was there. Instead, he saw an unfamiliar number that he recognized immediately. It was Mulder or Scully, on one of their cell phones. He knew it as soon as he touched the phone.

He could've declined the call, but he didn't want to. He was astonished to discover that, sitting there holding the phone: he didn't want to decline. He hadn't talked to anyone all day.

He answered the phone quickly, without thinking. "Hello?"

He heard Mulder's voice on the other end, overeager and cheerful and nervous. "Hey, Jackson! It's, uh, it's good to talk to you, buddy."

"It's, uh, it's Dana and Mulder," Scully added, and he could suddenly see them on the other end of the phone, crowded around it to talk to him. He wasn't picturing it; he could see it.

"Oh, yeah, I know," Jackson said, flushing red. He wondered if he should start calling her Dana instead of Scully. (Or Ginger. He thought of her like that absently, without even thinking about it too hard; it was what he'd done for sixteen years before he knew her name.) "Hi."

"Hi," Scully said, her voice soft.

Mulder cleared his throat, and added, "We, uh, we just wanted to call and wish you a happy birthday." He said it almost apologetically, like he needed to justify their calling.

"You know when my birthday is?" Jackson said, without thinking. He grimaced as soon as he said it, because it sounded dumb to his own ears, but it had felt like a valid question. They'd given him up; they'd never celebrated a birthday with him. Maybe they'd forgotten it. Maybe they didn't care.

But no, they hadn't forgotten. Of course they hadn't. He should've known that, remembering everything they'd said to him since the first time they met. The way they always acted around him, it should've been obvious they wouldn't forget. He felt embarrassed for even asking.

"Oh," Scully said in the softest voice, "sweetie, of course. Of course we do."

"Seventeen, that's a big year," Mulder added. "You can get into R-rated movies."

Jackson laughed automatically. "I can get into those anyway, you know," he said. "I can make myself look like anybody else, remember?"

Mulder laughed, too. "I guess so," he said. "But now you can do it without worrying you'll be found out."

"Yeah, guess so," Jackson said. He was smiling a little without noticing it. It was incredibly relieving to hear another person's voice, wishing him a happy birthday.

"We got your message," Scully added. "A couple weeks back. Thank you for calling."

"Oh, yeah." He caught himself smiling, and instantly felt ashamed. His head hung forward loosely. He chewed at the inside of his cheek. "You're welcome," he said quietly. He was looking at the cake on the coffee table and thinking that he wished his parents were here. His mom, who always sung Happy Birthday in a tone-deaf voice, and his dad, who would always have noisemakers and a party hat on even at six a.m. And then he was thinking about Mulder and Scully (or Dana), and how they would have celebrated his birthday.

He didn't want to think about it, but of course, you always think of the things you don't want to think about. He was wondering about his birthday, and then he thought about the first one. An image flashed through his mind, uncontrollably, of a younger Ginger screaming with the pain of labor, splitting cries, an infant being placed in her arms. Him, that was him.

Jackson shook his head hard to rid himself of the images, gritting his teeth. Mulder was asking him something, and he had to concentrate hard to hear him. "—how your jobs were going?" he was saying.

"Uh, yeah, yeah," said Jackson in a rush. "They're good, they're good. People can be real asses sometimes, but you know." He buried his face in his free hand, his eyes squeezed shut. He was seeing Ginger again, lying on the shell of a brass bed with him cradled in her arms, whispering to him; flashes of her and Mulder on what seemed like a helicopter, Ginger still holding the baby (him) and Mulder holding her, his arms around her and his palm cupping the baby's head… Was that what they were thinking of?

Mulder was saying something about working in fast food, and he was holding the phone too tight. He screwed his eyes shut tighter and thought furiously of his fourth birthday, of his mom holding him and his stuffed bear, bouncing him on her lap while the family sang Happy Birthday. He hoped they could see it. He was thinking, This is what you missed out on. He was overwhelmed by the memories they were showing him. If you were so happy when I was born, he wanted to ask, then why the hell did you give me up? Why could you not spend one single birthday with me?

"I-I should probably go," he said suddenly, and he realized he couldn't remember the last thing either of them had said. He wondered if they'd seen the memory, heard what he was thinking. He flushed red, feeling like an ass. They remembered his birthday, and they'd called him, and they'd cried the day he was born, but they'd given him up, and this was the first birthday they were here for, and they weren't even physically here.

But they probably wouldn't be here even if they wanted to be. Because they thought he didn't want them to be. He bit his lip hard.

"Oh," Scully said, and he could hear the hitch in her voice that alluded to what he'd tried to show them. She had seen it. "Okay. Well, it's good to talk to you."

"Happy birthday," Mulder added.

"Thank you," Jackson mumbled. He felt like such an ass. He missed his parents. "Thank you for calling," he blurted in a rush, and hung up the phone quickly. He dropped it on the coffee table like it was a live, red-hot thing.

Another thing fucked up, he thought to himself. More people to drive away. More things to ruin. He clearly didn't know how the hell to handle anything. Couldn't stay away from his birth parents like he promised himself he would, couldn't be around them without hurting them. Maybe, he thought to himself, this was a signal to stop trying. He should just fucking forget it.

He called in an order of Chinese takeout. He ate another piece of cake. He dug some beer he stashed out of the fridge and started drinking.

Later that night, he was mostly drunk and mostly asleep, sprawled out on the bed in the bedroom for one of the first time since he moved in. He turned over with effort in bed, pressing his face into the mattress, and that was when he felt the prickly feeling on the back of his neck. The feeling of another mind melding with his. She was trying to show him something.

It was a hospital room, considerably nicer than whatever place he had seen before. He was there, wrapped up in a blanket with a little blue beanie on his head. His eyes were blue instead of brown, and he had absolutely no hair. And she was cradling him in her arms, just lying there with her eyes half closed and humming a little under her breath. Rocking him back and forth, so slightly you could barely even tell.

The emotion in the scene hit him like a freight train, an immense amount of it. He quivered slightly on the mattress with the weight of it; he wouldn't say what emotion it was, wouldn't acknowledge it, but he could feel its power.

He heard her voice, the voice he always wished he could hear as a kid. I'm so sorry for everything, Jackson, she told him. But I wanted you to know… seventeen years ago, the day you were born, was one of the best days of my life.

---

The days grew longer and hotter cyclically. They were still working on fixing up the bedrooms. The guest rooms, they had always called them; there was one that Maggie used to stay in when she visited, and another that Bill and Tara had slept in exactly once, on a pullout couch. They'd moved the couch down to Mulder's office, intending for that guest room to be the baby's room. Mulder had painted the room a muted green that reminded Scully a bit of the sea the month before. They'd ordered a crib that Mulder set up when it arrived, as well as a bookshelf and a changing table. Stuffed animals. A blanket that Tara had sent.

Scully pointed out that they were still several months out from her due date, considering it was only June, but Mulder told her it was better to be prepared earlier than later. (She agreed with that sentiment to a point, but she was still worried, just a little bit, that she wouldn't make it to term. She tried to put those fears at bay, reassured herself that everything was going well, that she and the baby were both healthy, but the fears still lingered at the back of her mind. She was terrified that something would go wrong. But she tried to focus on the hope that it wouldn't. Every time she felt the baby move, it was a reassurance.)

They worked on the other room too. It didn't need much, considering it already had a bed and they had no real idea what Jackson would want, but she wanted to put in some effort to personalize it. They bought a little TV to put into the room, as well as some books. Some DVDs. They didn't know what he might like, so they guessed, feeling guilty nearly every time they guessed. They wanted to have it ready for him.

They hadn't talked to their son since the night of his birthday. He called, several times, and left a message when they were out, which made Scully suspect that he was trying to call when they weren't home. He always called the landline, never their cells, and the messages were almost always the same. Wanted to let you I'm okay. Hope you're doing okay. It seemed so calibrated, so planned, that Scully was legitimately beginning to think that they might never talk to him personally again. She appreciated Jackson checking in with them, appreciated the amount of caring put into that—she had halfway expected him to never call at all—but she couldn't shake her sense of hurt that he was trying so desperately to avoid them. She wouldn't push the subject, but she wished desperately, at times, for a moment with her son.

Her wish came true, in a way, one day when Mulder drove into the city for a talk someone was giving. "Research," he called it, "for that novel I'll get around to writing someday." He'd invited her to come along, and offered to stay back when she opted out, but she reassured him that she would be fine. She'd lay around the house, relax, enjoy the quiet. He kissed her goodbye at the door, hugging her tight and told her to call him if she needed anything. She promised she would.

She spent the morning taking Daggoo for a walk around the property. He was eager, jumping at her legs, running for long stretches when she let him off the leash. When they returned, she went into Mulder's office and lay down on the pull out couch with her book. Secretly, she loved to be in Mulder's office when she was alone; it was a nice room to sit in, surrounded by his books and papers and pictures tacked up among newspaper clippings. (He'd cleaned it up a bit since she moved out and back in, but it still reflected the hectic nature of Mulder's office. It still felt like his own place.) There were pictures of the two of them, pictures of Samantha and of himself and Samantha with his mother, a picture of William as a baby, and the picture Mulder had taken from Jackson's room, the one where he was playing baseball. She felt right at home.

Scully was engrossed deep into her book when the phone rang, sitting on the desk. She jolted in place, startled, before she realized it was just the landline. And then something clicked together in her head: nobody called the landline anymore, besides Jackson. Besides Jackson.

Scully dropped the book and got to her feet as quickly as she could. She rushed to the desk and picked up the phone, saying, "Hello?" in a rush.

She was breathless until she heard her son's voice on the other end, his deep, serious voice. "Hi, Dana," he said. From the sound of his voice, he'd known that she was going to pick up.

Scully smiled unconsciously. The baby kicked furiously as she sunk wearily into Mulder's desk chair. "Hi, Jackson," she said. "It's so good to hear from you."

"Uh, it's good to hear from you, too," he said on the other end. He was nervous; she could hear the hitch in his voice. She could remember the conversation they'd had on his birthday, the tension there. "How, um, how are you doing?"

"I'm good," she said, leaning back a bit in the chair. "Uh, your fa—Mulder is at a lecture in DC, so I'm just lying around the house."

"Oh. That's cool," he offered. "You enjoying all the quiet?"

"As best I can," she replied, amused. "What about you? How are you doing?" In any other situation, she might've loathed the trite pleasantries, but she was so happy to be talking to her son in any form that she'd take this. Turning the desk chair a bit, her eyes fell on the picture of William as a baby, and she had to bite back the influx of tears. She honestly wasn't sure if they were happy or sad tears.

There was a bit of a pause before Jackson said, "I'm okay." He cleared his throat. "I, uh, have the day off work, and I've been killing time by watching TV."

Scully was still looking at the picture. She remembered the day she had taken it, the day that William crawled for the first time. He'd giggled with delight that first time, grabbing at her carpet and anything else he could reach with his little hands, grabbed his bunny and mouthed at its worn ears. She still had that bunny, upstairs somewhere in a box; she'd slept with it on and off for the first year since she gave him up. She wondered if Jackson could see what she was thinking about.

She blurted suddenly, without thinking about it, "Let me take you to lunch."

Jackson was silent on the other end, pausing with an air of surprise. "Lunch?" he repeated, with an astounded air.

"Yeah," said Scully, feeling impulsive. She suddenly thought of Mulder, wondering if he would mind, but she didn't want to take it back. She wanted to see her son. "I'll drive up, meet you wherever you want. Your choice. What do you think?"

"Oh, uh…" She could feel his hesitance on the other end, practically see his sheepish shrug. "Okay. Sure," he said. "That might be… fun."

Excitement rose in her stomach, rolling with the movements of the baby. She sniffled, trying her hardest not to cry audibly on the line. "Okay. Great," she said softly. "I… I'm looking forward to it. Just text me where you wanna go, and I'll meet you there."

---

She called Mulder as soon as she could, on her way out to the car with her purse hanging off of one shoulder and her keys looped around her fingers. She leaned against the car as she talked to him, the heat of the car biting through the fabric of her shirt, her heart pounding. She was apologetic and guilty—the last thing she wanted was to leave Mulder out of this process, especially after everything he had missed out on—but he reassured her immediately. "Don't be ridiculous, Scully," he said gently when she tried to apologize. "You deserve this. You deserve time with your son, alone. You don't need to apologize to me."

"I don't want to take away opportunities for you to see him," she whispered, clutching the phone too hard.

"You're not taking anything away," Mulder said gently. "Go have a good time, honey. Drive carefully."

So she went, her guilt melting away into nervousness the closer she got to the city. Mulder's support had reassured her greatly, but she was still apprehensive about spending time with Jackson. Especially considering that she'd been the one to suggest it. He had agreed to it, but how much of it had been out of a sense of obligation? But he'd called when she was at home, and he didn't seem surprised when she picked up, which meant he'd probably called intentionally while she was home, which meant he probably wanted to talk to her. Or maybe it meant nothing of the sort. She turned the subject over and over in her mind until it felt old and tough and she wanted to forget it. She told herself that he could've made up some excuse if he didn't want to come.

At the restaurant in Richmond, she sat in the car, jumpy with nervous energy. She couldn't tell if he was there yet, and she didn't want to go in, for fear that he wouldn't show. But she didn't want to leave either. She stayed in the car, jittery, her knee bouncing and the baby moving restlessly, until a car pulled into the parking lot and she gave a little sigh of relief, her shoulders sagging. She knew immediately that it was him, even before she saw the make and model of the car.

Once he had parked, she got out of the car and crossed the parking lot to meet him. He seemed to see her as he climbed out of his own car, shielding his eyes with his hands, and he lifted one hand in a wave. She could see the exact moment he noticed her pregnancy; he squinted, as if he hadn't seen right, and then his eyes widened with astonishment. She touched her stomach self-consciously, suddenly embarrassed. She'd been afraid for weeks, months, that Jackson would be hurt when he found out about the baby. If he'd think she was trying to replace him. She couldn't get a read on him, couldn't tell what he was thinking. He smiled at her when she approached, although it was a tight smile, and shrugged. "Hi, Dana," he said quietly.

"Hi, Jackson. Thank you for meeting me," she said. She realized she still had her hand on her stomach, and removed it immediately. "Do you want to go in?"

---

Inside the restaurant, Jackson ordered a tremendous amount of food. A couple of appetizers, a large entree, dessert. Scully honestly didn't know if it was out of typical teenage boy hunger or so he would have leftovers to take home, but she was starving herself. They ate horrible, greasy food that she normally would have rejected, but that she made an exception for. She'd been having strange cravings lately, and Mulder indulged her with an affectionate and devoted amusement.

It was a struggle to find things to talk about, at first. But then halfway through their order of chili cheese fries, Jackson set down his glass and said solemnly, "So I googled you guys."

Scully burst out laughing. She couldn't help it. It was exactly what she would've expected out of Mulder's son. She laughed so hard her stomach hurt, and when she could finally breathe again, she wiped her eyes with the corner of her napkin and said, "I'm afraid to ask what came up."

Jackson, who'd looked a little concerned up until this point, seemed to relax with relief. He said, "Yeah, um, what the hell is up with that Lazarus Bowl movie? Is that some sort of coincidence?"

So Scully told him the story, of Skinner's friend whose name she couldn't remember, and Sister Spooky and the Lazarus Bowl, and teaching Tea Leoni to run in high heels. That gave way to several more stories, mostly prompted by questions Jackson had about files he had found online, since Skinner had archived the entirety of the X-Files. (Scully wasn't sure whether to be upset with him or thank him, but this encounter pointed to the latter.) Telling stories about her and Mulder's heyday was extraordinarily easy, as long as she avoided the harder periods of time in her life, the deaths and the illnesses and the danger and the injuries. But there were plenty of good stories as well.

They talked for longer than she ever expected, Jackson asking questions about the X-Files and Scully answering as best she could. She felt guilty all over again that Mulder wasn't with them; he would've loved this. ("You'll have to hear Mulder's side of things someday," she told him more than once. "I'm sure his version is different than mine.")

They talked for so long, through lunch and past dessert, that they somehow got off on the subject of her family. She was telling a story about a prank that she and Charlie had played once, and she was talking about how Bill was involved when Jackson sat up straighter, interested. "Your brother's name was Bill?" he asked. "Like, as in William?"

"Oh." She was caught off guard. Miraculously, she'd gotten semi-used to thinking of her son as Jackson, and hadn't expected him to bring up his birth name. "Yes," she said, fiddling with her napkin. "He was named after my father."

"Seriously?" Jackson laughed, a crow of disbelief. "So… I'm guessing you named me William after them, right?"

"Yes," she said again. "And after Mulder's father. He was named William, too."

Jackson laughed incredulously again, yanking his fingers through his hair. "What the fuck? You both had fathers named William? And also a brother?"

"We thought it was appropriate, considering," said Scully with a small smile.

"Goddamn." Jackson rested his forehead in his palm, shaking his head with a sheepish grin. "That's so weird. That means I was named after three different grandfathers."

Scully blinked. In the moment, she'd completely forgotten that Jackson had another family. "Your adop—your parents named you after a grandfather?" she asked, clumsily skating over her mistake (adoptive parents) and hoping he didn't notice.

From the slight flinch, she guessed that he had. "Yeah," he said. "Jackson Harwell Van de Kamp, but everybody called him Jack. Which is why, uh, nobody calls me Jack." He rubbed at the back of his neck nervously. It was a Mulder gesture all the way, and the sight of it made Scully's chest hurt. "He died while I was a kid."

"Oh," said Scully, thinking of her own father, the grandfathers who Jackson would never meet. If she understood anything, she understood losing someone. "I'm so sorry."

Jackson shrugged, his face hardening a little. After a silent moment, he motioned to Scully's stomach. "So who are you gonna name the, uh, the kid after?" he said in a stilted voice.

"Oh." Self-conscious, Scully looked away. "I don't think we're going to name the baby after anyone in particular," she said. "Although we've been discussing some ideas…"

"Right." Jackson's knee bumped against the table leg. "I didn't, uh," he said with a nervous laugh, "I didn't know you and Mulder wanted kids."

Her face grew hot, hurt rising in her throat thickly. "I've wanted kids for a very long time," she blurted, before she could think about it. It might not have been the best thing to say, all things considered, but she needed him to know. "Mulder and I… we both did. We both wanted kids."

It was definitely the wrong thing to say. She could tell what Jackson was thinking even without the connection they sometimes had: Then why did you give me up? "Oh," he said.

Scully looked away again, down at the table where someone had written their name in jagged pen marks. The baby kicked again, a little foot, and she put her hand over the spot. "This one was a surprise," she said quietly. "We… we didn't plan for it. But we're happy about it."

Jackson cleared his throat. "Yeah," he said stiffly. "Kids are cool."

"They are." Scully stared at the pen marks at the table, at her neatly folded napkin. She suddenly wished, desperately, that Mulder was here with her, to ground her.

Jackson cleared his throat again, started to say some sort of pleasantry, but she cut him off. "I never wanted to give you up," she said, feeling like it might've been the wrong thing to say again, but not willing to not say it. "I-I didn't think I had any other choice. I thought you were in danger, and that sending you away was the only way to protect you, and it would be selfish to do otherwise. But I hated every minute of it. I hated myself. And I—" Her voice broke a little. "I have missed you every single day since."

Jackson blinked, as if he didn't know what to say. Scully cleared her throat, dragged a fingertip underneath her eyes. "I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I just… wanted you to know."

Jackson sighed, his head falling forward into his hands. "Thank you," he mumbled. He got to his feet, not meeting her eyes. "Thank you for lunch, Dana… I've got to go. Say hi to Mulder for me, okay?"

"Okay," she whispered.

He was already walking away; he looked over his shoulder and called, "See you later." And then he was gone.

Scully had folded her hands on the table at some point during their discussion. She looked down at them now and noticed the quiver of her fingers. Everything had been going so well.

She tried to tell herself that his response hadn't been the worse one in the world. That he hopefully knew now how much she'd regretted losing him, if he believed her. But it felt like little comfort. She knew that this wouldn't be easy, but she hadn't expected it to be so hard.

She sat there, her hands shaking, until the waitress brought the check. She paid the bill and left, pulling out her phone to call Mulder on the way out to the car.

---

Jackson couldn't believe it. Even back in his apartment, he couldn't believe it. Couldn't believe he'd agreed to go to lunch. Couldn't believe that he'd actually had a good time. Couldn't believe the things he said at the end, couldn't believe her response. Couldn't believe that he hadn't known about the baby already. She was clearly months and months along; how had he not seen it?

The really fucked up part was how much he had always wanted a little brother or sister. For years and years. His parents had tried to adopt a couple times—once when he was three, and once again when he was eight—but it had always fallen through. He'd always wished it'd worked out, though; he'd always wanted to be an older brother.

[fangirlxwritesx67]

SPN: First, Last, Always

2005- WB released a cheesy new scifi show called Supernatural, about 2 brothers who hunted monsters. I was in college, dating a guy and working in a bookstore. I remember reading all about SPN in the magazines on my breaks. I wasnt watching much TV at the time but it looked interesting.

2008-2010 I had graduated from college, married the guy, still working at the bookstore. We were young and broke but WB was one of the channels we got, and Supernatural was one of the shows we watched together. We caught up with DVDs we rented from the library. I remember the first time the show was supposed to end -the Apocalypse! And when it wasnt cancelled, I read about it in a magazine in the bookstore.

2011-2017- Eventually my spouse and I got internet and Netflix. We were able to binge as much Supernatural as we wanted, as well as watch it when it aired- but always waited for each other to watch new episodes. We got more than one sibling and friend (bookstore coworkers) into the show. Of course there were lots of other fandoms and TV shows along the way. Fandom also changed, thanks to the internet. I started to learn more about J2 as people, not just the show. 2015 was a red letter year, when Jared announced his Always Keep Fighting mental health campaign. As someone who has dealt with depression and anxiety most of my life, it meant a lot to me to see openness and support from someone like him. Pinterest helped me keep up with conventions, fanart, and popular ships.

2017-2018- My spouse and I moved closer to family. We had less time for TV, and got more involved in other big fandoms. I honestly didnt think alot about Supernatural. I didnt keep up with the seasons but I did follow Jaren and Gen on Insta, and kept pinning SPN. I did stop working at the bookstore.

2019- J2M announced that S15 would be the last one for Supernatural. I had not been in this fandom since the very beginning only to give up after all these years! I spent the summer rewatching and catching up on s11-14. I remembered why I loved this show, this stupid, cheesy scifi show. I remembered how beautiful Sam and Dean are. I remembered how great Jared and Jensen are, alone and even more together. I remembered how much the SPN fandom family meant to me.

Currently I'm in full fangirl feels mode. I made a Tumblr (obvs), I started writing fanfic, Ive talked about the show on my IRL social media and with my friends. I'm saving money to attend SPNCON Chicago 2020. I'll probably end up with an SPN/AKF tattoo between now and then.

I have lots of thoughts and feels about the first episode of the last season. Mostly, I'm grateful. Supernatural has been around for my entire marriage, has outlasted my 13yr relationship with a bookstore, has seen me thru 4 states and 7 places Ive lived. Other fandoms have come and gone but not Supernatural. Its been 15 years of adventure, of laughter and tears, of fandom and family. However the show ends, thats what will stick around. Whatever happens on the TV show, I'll be grateful for my SPN family.

[fallenqueen2]

A Sleeping Gem [YGO-GX-Spiritshipping]

5 times Jaden watched Jesse sleep and one time he joined him.

I rewatched Season 3 and damn I forgot how much I love these two idiots together.

Usage of English dub names, spoilers for all of season 3

~~1~~

Jaden finally looked up from his deck, he and Jesse had met on the roof of Duel Academy to work on their deck’s together. Jaden noticed that the sun was setting below the horizon, creating nice shades of pinks and oranges over the skyline. Jaden opened his mouth to comment on the pretty sky but his words died in his mouth when he turned his attention to Jesse. The teal haired dualist had his arms crossed behind his head and one leg propped up, but his face was relaxed, his eyes closed and lips slightly parted as he breathed deeply and evenly in his slumber.

“Oh,” Jaden breathed out as he was suddenly hit with the realization that Jesse was extremely cute like this. Jaden felt his cheeks heat up and he quietly slapped them as he squeezed his eyes closed. This was a familiar feeling, but different somehow. With Jesse, everything was easy and familiar so Jaden had just accepted they were going to be best friends now, but these thoughts and the racing of his heart were not something that went hand in hand with one’s best friend.

Jaden looked at his PDA for the time before looking back at Jesse’s slumbering form. He huffed quietly and found himself laying back, staring up at few seagulls that were circling overhead and decided that they could stay on the roof like this for a while longer.

~~2~~

“Hey Jesse, check out this new combo I worked out…?” Jaden twisted his torso around from where he was sitting cross-legged on the floor of his dorm room. Sryus and Hasselberry were out someplace else and Jesse had stayed behind.

“Oh, again huh?” Jade murmured, a smile appearing on his lips as he noticed Jesse was totally passed out. Jesse was curled up on his side, an arm slung protectively around Ruby’s own curled form as the duel spirit slumbered peacefully next to his owner/friend.

“Do you ever get any sleep?” Jaden asked quietly as he picked up the discarded blanket and gently draped it over his best friend’s sleeping form. Jaden swallowed hard as his fingers brushed over Jesse’s soft cheek as he made sure the blanket was covering his shoulders. Jesse just looked so peaceful like this and somehow younger than he did awake. Jaden withdrew his hand to press it to his own chest, he could feel his heart pounding against his rib cage and his cheeks again took on a familiar heat as he realized how soft Jesse’s skin was and how good he looked. Asleep on Jaden’s bunk, looking like he belonged there and something stirred in the back of Jaden’s mind.

“Oh man,” Jaden whispered as he sank down onto the ground, resting his back against the side of his bunk and brought his knees to his chest in order to rest his forehead against the tops of them.

The room fell silent save for the soft inhales and exhales from Jesse and the soft purring that came from Ruby. Jaden let himself bask in the peace for once, it wasn’t often he got a moment like this at Duel Academy and he couldn’t imagine a more peaceful moment than the one right now.

~~3~~

Jaden rubbed at his heavy eyes, fighting back a yawn as he scanned the hallway that he and Jesse were guarding for duel ghouls. It was empty and safe for the moment, but the tension was high as that could change at any moment. He was happy that Jesse had volunteered to stay with him for this shift; otherwise Jaden knew he would be asleep right now without question. Jesse’s presence at his side made all the difference.

Jaden jolted out of his thoughts when a warm, weight pressed against his side and hair brushed against his neck. Jaden’s eyes went wide as he slowly turned his head and looked down to his shoulder. Jesse was slumped against his side, one arm across his stomach and one resting against Jaden’s thigh. His eyes were closed and cheeks flushed as he breathed softly.

“Oh Jess,” Jaden couldn’t help the smile that spread over his lips. They may be stuck in this alternate dimension but seeing Jesse so relaxed and stress-free in his sleep made Jaden feel less stressed out. This seemed to be a common effect that Jesse had on Jaden nowadays. Jaden wiggled his arm free and slung it over Jesse’s shoulders, pulling the other duelist close and gave into temptation by resting his cheek atop of those soft, teal locks of hair.

Jaden let out a soft exhale as Jesse’s very presence soothed his very being, like a piece of him, had been restored and he found himself no longer worried about the duel ghouls that could be around every corner. With Jesse peacefully sleeping at his side, Jaden knew he could handle anything that thrown at him if it meant to keep Jesse’s sleep peaceful and uninterrupted.

~~4~~

Jaden looked up from where he was clutching the Crystal Beasts deck tightly to the main building on the island that lay below the cliff edge he had reappeared on.

“Do you think he is still here? That he hadn’t gone back to Dual Academy North yet?” Jaden asked, suddenly very concerned that he had taken too long, re-connecting with Yubel and had missed Jesse completely.

“No, he is still here. His soul is waiting to be reunited with his Beasts.” Yubel assured Jaden, appearing in her astral form behind the brown haired teen.

“Let’s not keep him waiting any longer then,” Jaden decided and the deck in his palm glowed as the Beasts within agreed with him.

Sneaking into the hospital wing without being seen was now a piece of cake thanks to his reawaken powers of Darkness. He wanted to reunite with his friends, but seeing Jesse and reuniting the Beasts with their owner/friend was his first priority.

It was the middle of the night when Jaden slipped into the hospital room. The lights were dim and in the first bed, tucked tightly into stark white bed sheets was a sleeping Jesse. His right arm was laying on top of the sheets as it had an IV inserted into the elbow; Jesse was painfully pale even against the white sheets. Jaden gently set the deck down onto the side table and smiled when Ruby instantly appeared and curled up against Jesse’s side, crooning happily that she was reunited with Jesse.  

“He will recover Jaden, it will not be easy but he will,” Yubel told Jaden from within his mind, guilt filling her voice at what she had done to Jaden’s chosen.

“He’ll be fine, he is stronger than anyone gives him credit for.” Jaden murmured, as he no longer resisted the urge to trace Jesse’s cheek and stroked Jesse’s soft hair. The familiar calming sensation spread through his whole being and he knew Yubel felt it as well as they were now one. Jaden stayed like that for a moment, unable to tear himself away from the slumbering teal teen, basking in the fact they both were alive and back home safely.

“Sleep well Jesse,” Jaden pressed a soft kiss to Jesse’s cheek before stepping back into the shadows of the room, disappearing from the room completely as the night nurse walked in to check in on Jesse. She found herself smiling when she spotted the smile that was lingering on Jesse’s face and a deck sitting on the side table.

~~5~~

“You should visit him during the day when he is awake if you want to see him so badly,” Yubel grumbled as she floated behind Jaden as the brunet stepped out of the shadows of Jesse’s room. It had been a couple years since everything that happened at Duel Academy and Jesse was an up and coming star on the pro circuit while Jaden and Yubel traveled the world, helping where they could and learning whatever they could get their hands on.

“It’s better this way,” Jaden whispered back before turning his attention to the teal haired man who was sprawled across his bed. His feet tangled the bed sheets and sweat coated his skin, his face that was usually so peaceful and calm was screwed up and Jesse was gasping like he was in pain as his eyes moved rapidly beneath his eyelids.

“A nightmare,” Yubel frowned as Jaden hurried to Jesse’s side and Ruby looked up at him giving a sad trill as her tail drooped.

“It’s okay Ruby, I’ll see if I can help.” Jaden petted Ruby’s head comfortingly before he took a steadying breath and cupped Jesse’s face between his palms. He let his eyes turn a smoldering gold and darkness seeped from his palms.

Jesse inhaled sharply in his sleep as slowly a dark outline covered his entire body as Jaden concentrated and slowly Jesse’s face became relaxed as the nightmare was chased away by the gentle darkness.

Jesse hummed and absently leaned into Jaden’s touch as his body slumped against the mattress, fully relaxed and no longer caught in the throes of a nightmare. Jaden let the darkness recede just enough but didn’t remove his palms from Jesse’s face. He just stared down at Jesse’s sleeping face before he jerked himself out of the trance-like state and stepped away from the bed.

“Jaden,” Yubel said softly and Jaden just shook his head and with one last look at Jesse’s sleeping form, he stepped back into the darkness and let it swallow him whole even though he wanted nothing but to lean down and see if Jesse’s lips were as soft as they looked.

~~+1~~

Jaden found himself stepping back into Jesse’s room not two weeks later. He had tried to keep his mind off of Jesse for that long, but he failed and he had to see the other even if it was just when the emerald eyed man was sleeping. Jaden felt all his stress fade from his body when his eyes landed on Jesse’s curled up form on his bed, face calm and peaceful in his nightmare free slumber.

Jaden’s feet carried him over to the side of Jesse’s bed and his hand reached down of its own accord to cup the teal-haired man’s cheek lovingly. Jaden softly rubbed his thumb over the arc of his cheek as he drank in the sight of Jesse, like a man who had been dying of thirst.

“Jaden,” Jesse breathed out, eyes still closed and Jaden froze. He must be dreaming, that had to be the only conclusion.

“Jaden… Stay this time,” Jesse breathed out again, this time his eyes were open and those gem-like eyes were staring up at him.

“Uh,” Jaden found himself lost for words and unable to move as Jesse reached up and placed his hand over Jaden’s hand on his cheek.

“Stay, I want to wake up and see you next to me,” Jesse said softly as he kept staring at Jaden.

“If you want me to…” Jaden found himself saying.

“I want you Jaden, always have.” Jesse murmured as he lifted Jaden’s hand off his cheek and pressed a light kiss to his palm.

“Me too,” Jaden choked out and quickly shed his shoes and jacket when Jesse released his hand and pulled back the sheets in an invitation.

“Much better,” Jesse sighed happily as Jaden slipped into bed and Jesse all but wrapped his arms around him like an octopus, head resting on Jaden’s chest.

“You said it,” Jaden felt like jelly now, Jesse’s comforting weight and heat against his body felt like heaven and he only wished he had known cuddling with Jesse would have felt this good sooner.

“Promise you will be here when I wake up this time?” Jesse asked softly as he propped himself up to look at Jaden sternly.

“I promise,” Jaden found himself agreeing and let out a small gasp when Jesse leaned up and sealed their lips together in the kiss that Jaden had been wanting for years.

“Good,” Jesse smiled brightly at Jaden before Jaden cupped his face between his hands again and kissed him soundly, not wanting to give up this for anything and if Yubel hummed pleased in the back of his mind then no one had to know.

[kingofthewilderwest]

Hello, Haddock! Now that Voltron (sadly) ended, how would you rank the seasons? Also, could you tell how many times you've rewatched them?

Hey there, friend! WAY happy to chat Voltron and all its seasons!

Unlike most fandom culture, I’m not a chronic rewatcher, and the default assumption is that I’ve only seen any show once. It’s rare for me to see shows more than once, honestly, even ones I love. I certainly will be watching VLD more times, but because of my normal watching habits, I’ve seen a large portion of the show only once. I’ve seen S1 probably about 5 times, S2 thrice, S3-4 twice, and S5+ once. I’ve seen “The Last Stand” from S7 twice.

These are rankings based somewhat upon my emotional attachments and not simply objective elements like narrative structure! XD I already know my preferences are going to be different than lots of people in the VLD fandom, haha. These rankings are also based on memory, which is pretty strong admittedly for VLD, but it leaves room to change with a rewatch.

EIGHTH PLACE: VLD Season 8

Let’s be clear: I don’t dislike Season 8 and there’s much I enjoy. Give it up for S8 love!!! Standout episodes to me include “Launch Date,” “The Prisoner’s Dilemma,” and “Day Forty-Seven.” The women going shopping together and Pidge dressing as 1980s Darrell Stoker made my life. Not to mention… it was fun spending time with the MFEs; they didn’t take a disproportionate amount of time, but gave us good moments to make us love them. I’m thankful for the S8 ending giving us both a sense of wrap-up for the plot conflicts, but also looking forward to what our Paladins will do to rejuvenate the galaxy. There’s much I’m thankful for with S8.

That said, S8 isn’t my jam as much as other seasons. I’m not much of a shipper and I wasn’t into the Allurance, nor did I get pulled into the magic-heavy plot conflict with Haggar and her Alteans. And while S7 does give great screen time to Allura, it felt a little less like an ensemble cast and more like a spotlight on her. Enemies’ minds changed too fast for me to feel realistic, and the magic-wonky plot didn’t feel as gripping and intense as S7. It’s the reason I’m placing S8 here: from my own preferences, I attached with other seasons more.

SEVENTH PLACE: VLD Season 5

For whatever reason, S5 didn’t make as much of an impression on me as other seasons. I wasn’t as invested in concepts like “Kral Zera” and “White Lion.” Given as S5 is an odd numbered season in the middle portion of Voltron, it has an innate disadvantage: it’s written in all but name as the first half of a season, which means story arc ending payoffs wouldn’t happen until S6. I also feel like S5 is where plot writing is at one of its most tangled or muddied, given as there’s lots being juggled and introduced conflict-wise and lore-wise and universe-wise and character-wise.

However, S5 - like all seasons - gives us cool stuff. We got Matt (one of my favorite characters) participating in an adventure, lots of Lotor screentime, and a callout to 1980s DOTU that I never thought they’d be able to turn into a good episode (“White Lion”). And!!! We get to meet!!! KROLIA!!!

SIXTH PLACE: VLD Season 3

I have particularly fond attachment to S3. This is the season where I started getting actively involved in Voltron fandom discourse, giving my own take on Project Kuron theories. This is the season that gave us the first glimpse of the Classic Voltron formation - Keith in Black, Lance in Red, Pidge in Green, Allura in Blue, Hunk in Yellow. I felt a thrill go through me as Keith, for the first time, said “Form Voltron!” Also… Lance really stepping up to show his leadership potential??? So good. And this is the season where we meet Lotor, another long-anticipated character… and oh my goodness is his character introduction gold. So there’s lots of stuff I hold strong affinity for in S3.

The reason I have to rank Season 3 back here is because it’s more about the Paladins floundering around than anything else. It’s meant to create a new sense of chaos and instability… their leader Shiro is gone, and now there are new unexpected threats like Lotor to handle. However, at the same time, since half of the season is just the Paladins floundering around not knowing how to work together, it makes me less attached to particular episodes. None of the episodes are favorites or standouts to me on their own. There’s lots of cool moments throughout S3, but I think the only episode I notably emotionally attach to is “The Journey.” But still? Good season!

FIFTH PLACE: VLD Season 1

I can’t believe I have this amazing season all the way back here. I want it to be higher, except that I do have to rank other seasons above this one. 

Season 1 is what gets everything started. It sets the stage for what Voltron’s all about, teaching us about lions and robeasts and Zarkon and the Galaxy Garrison and all that good stuff from 1980s nostalgia… all the while creating a new vibe and energy to the franchise. In retrospect, S1 feels much calmer and less high-stakes than the rest of the series (especially post S2). However, it’s a solid season with good episodes that never feel less solid and good. We get great Hunk material with him finding conviction; great Shiro and Pidge moments as they share different worries over the abduction; hilarious Keith and Lance clashes; lots and lots and lots of good things. It’s a very solid season, especially once we launch off Arus.

FOURTH PLACE: VLD Season 6

If you want to know how tight my season rankings are to each other, S6 was almost listed second place.

I attach to specific episodes in particular for S6. I love the visuals in “Razor’s Edge.” I died howling with laughter in “Monsters & Mana.” I fell into so many emotional feels regarding Keith and Shiro in “The Black Paladins.” We get one of the all-time best emotional, action-oriented episodes of VLD… and one of the most amazing, hysterical filler episodes in S6. Despite being seven episodes long, S6 is an incredible ride and adventure start to end. It’s hard to believe so much occurred in that amount of time!

There’s hoards of great stuff in this season. We get the Kuron arc resolved, with lots of emotional content between Keith and Shiro. We get the Lotor arc resolved, learning whether or not he can be trusted, with great Lotor and Allura time. We get Keith returning to the Paladins. We get the introduction of Romelle, which all DOTU lovers have been waiting for forever.

THIRD PLACE: VLD Season 4

I have to put VLD S4 here because of its emotional power. There are damned AMAZING moments this season, alongside some of my favorite episodes and moments of all time. I know I and some of the other fans aren’t huge on “The Voltron Show!” But fuck it, guys, S4 gave us “Reunion” and “A New Defender”!!!

Matt is a delight this season, from his first meeting of Allura, to his tour around the Castle of Lions with Pidge, to his technological connections with his sister and Hunk, to his participation in the Rebels’ fighting forces. We also get some of the funniest moments for me in Voltron, between learning how to milk Kaltenecker and seeing HOW Pidge finally managed to rig up the video game system.

Then there’s the opposite end of the emotional spectrum. “Reunion” is the single most emotional episode in all of Voltron for me. Even though I’d seen screencaps of Matt prior to watching S4, I felt as shocked and heartbroken as Pidge to come to his gravestone. There’s so much POWER to this gravestone scene; it’s one of the moments that resonates with me the most even after I’ve finished the whole show. It might even be my Number One FAVORITE moment in the entire show. It’s not my place to analyze that scene here, but DAMN. 

Furthermore, the climax with the battle of Naxzela was INTENSE, with Keith almost sacrificing himself getting me screaming. That was such a great battle and climactic moment in VLD. This was a great culminating moment, in which the series has officially built up from a small team to a universe-wide conflict.

We get standout moments with Keith being badass with the blades, Matt taking initiative, Pidge seeking out her family, Allura helping Voltron flee the gravity field, Kuron becoming increasingly more suspicious. VLD S4 ramps everything up from the emotions to the excitement, resulting in an awesome and intense six episodes.

SECOND PLACE: VLD Season 7

It’s really hard for me to put this as second place instead of first place. I originally had it in first place. I want it to be first place. I LOVE the second half of S7 so much. This is, possibly, my favorite season from an emotional standpoint because wow.

It’s all-around outstanding. S7 showed us how far the Paladins have come as heroes; they operate with great teamwork, skill, and professionalism that is oh-so-cool to see on screen. They’re still the characters we love and cherish, but they’ve grown SO MUCH since their first days on Voltron. This is fully-fledged heroes doing fully-fledged battles and it’s GREAT.

S7 gives us standout moments to so many characters, including Hunk, Shiro, Sam, Colleen, Veronica, and Keith. We even get some good adventure time with Romelle! And as far as character interactions are concerned, we get touching moments between Keith and Lance, Keith and Hunk, and so many other combinations.

The story raises the stakes to higher levels than ever before, with an emotional and exciting conquest of Earth. There’s nothing more horrible and high-stakes to audiences than a homefront war. We feel extreme pain for Hunk with fears for his family, and Shiro for the loss of Adam. We feel the great sense of danger and desperation starting with “The Last Stand.” We feel the drama of a long and extended climax fighting for Earth’s freedom, including moments where the Paladins control the Lions outside their body (so cool), Shiro commands the ATLAS (SO cool), and the ATLAS also transforms into a fighting robot (SO FREAKING COOL!). This has some of the most exciting, badass stuff of Voltron ever. I love it.

Highlight episodes for me are “The Last Stand” (two episodes without the Paladins about Earth fighting for its freedom? this was fucking amazing), “Trial By Fire,” and “Lions’ Pride.” Essentially - all of the second half of the season.

FIRST PLACE: Season 2

Season 2 is probably THE MOST solid season in all of VLD. 

Almost every episode is good, memorable, fun, lovable, enjoyable, classic. It highlights the full ensemble cast. It creates an EXTREMELY exciting, exhilarating, fun climax. It is a strong narrative season, cleanly and proudly finishing the first 26 episode long arc for VLD. This season shows VLD at its best. Since it consistently delivers, there’s nowhere else S2 belongs except the top.

We get great Shiro time, what with his arc spent learning to trust Black… leading to him being a badass unlocking the Lion’s wings and taking Zarkon’s bayard. We get great Pidge time, whether it’s her freaking out over video games or drawing deeper into the beauty of the world - technology and biology both. We get great Keith time, with him fighting for answers in the Blade of Marmora and infiltrating Zarkon’s base in an extremely dangerous mission. We get great Hunk time, between unlocking his Lion’s claws and taking initiative in the Weblum adventure. We get great Lance moments, where he shows us he truly can be a sharpshooter for the team. We get great Allura moments, especially in how she fought against Haggar in the finale. This season rocks it for EVERY Paladin.

Not only does every individual Paladin get good spotlighting, but S2 also rocks it with character interactions. How Allura handles Keith being Galra is a memorable moment of character development for both of them. How Hunk and Keith interact in “The Belly of the Weblum” is a delight. How Shiro loses his cool with Slav is hysterical. I can never complain to Lance and Hunk combinations, like in “The Depths.” And of course every episode focused on Keith and Shiro gives us good feels.

Standout episodes for S2 include “The Ark of Taujeer” (THE COLORS), “The Blade of Marmora,” “Blackout,” “Space Mall.” I cannot believe I watched an episode where the character dressed as space pirates and rode on a flying cow to escape a mall cop. That happened. It’s a delight. And S2 kept rocking it with the humor, down to Pidge creating all her Paladin buddies out of space junk and imitating them. But S2 also gives us some of the most memorable moments of VLD storytelling, what with “The Blade of Marmora.” That episode is a staple for many reasons. Not to mention… all of S2 works together cohesively for the long-term arc structure.

And then there’s the climax. So well-done. So exciting. So immersive. So intense. So cool. So badass. Great colors, great flow, great plot, great everything start to end. I was in a THRILL at the end of S2 because this climax was so unbelievably fun. In retrospect it’s got competition with S7, and S7 probably takes the cake now… but fuck it, S2′s end will always be awesome.

Every single season in VLD gives me something to be excited about. There are things to love each step of the journey. I’m thankful for every episode from S1 to S8. 

What a ride this journey has been.

[beatriceinmessina]

American Horror Story: Cult Rewatch--Episode IV, “11/9″

SPOILERS for the entire season and William Shakespeare’s Macbeth.

Macbeth and Lady Macbeth.  (Screenshot by me, from Netflix.  And ha, it looks like they’re looking down at my notes.)

The episode flashes back to election night, before the cult starts.

Winter takes a selfie in the voting booth.  Isn’t that illegal and causes your vote to not count?

Ally promises to vote Democrat, but then votes for Jill Stein, which Ivy knows about in the first episode.  When did she tell her?  Did she even tell her, or did Ivy find out on her own?

Kai and Gary jump the voting line.  Gary obviously needs a doctor, but wouldn’t Kai be told to go to the back of the line?  What are the rules of this polling station?

Everyone votes very quickly.  What about the rest of the ballot?  Don’t you have to fill that out too?  

I’m positive that if a man pulled out his bleeding stump of an arm at a polling station, he would be rushed to a hospital to recover, then be psychologically evaluated.  Has Gary been evaluated?  He needs it.

After the intro, the date is 09 November 2016, so Kai seems to begin to form his cult on that day, meaning the previous episodes (with the exception of the first scene) take place after that, likely in the rest of November and December 2016 or January of 2017.

How long has Kai been watching the Wiltons, that he selects Harrison as the first person to recruit for the cult?  They appear to vote before he comes in, so he probably didn’t see them then.  How did he find them?  Was it just because he was a member of the gym, or did he join to find Harrison?  How much control does he have at this point?  It’s only one day after the election!

Kai knows enough about Harrison to know he’s gay even though Harrison’s just met him.  Again, how long has been be watching them?  How has he been watching them?  Does he have cameras everywhere or something?

Kai says he works in technology, specifically coding.  He could probably hack into a camera in someone’s house and watch them.  On the other hand, he could be lying.  I’m not entirely sure he even has a job prior to deciding to run for city council.  He also says that he tested at a genius IQ level at age ten, which could be possible--he is very intelligent and good at getting in people’s heads, but again, that could be lying.  There some things he says that I know aren’t true, and some things he says that I’m not sure about.

Kai tells Harrison that while he likes women, he will fight and kill for anyone, man or woman, if they’re part of his team.  He adds that “and if they wake up in the morning with a hard-on that won’t quit, I will find a way to make sure they know how much I love them.”  This is the start of indoctrination: letting Harrison know that he’s okay having sex with men, opening up the possibility of them sleeping together, if Harrison is with him in his endeavors.  He’s using his sexuality to draw Harrison in.

Harrison says that sometimes people masturbate in the steam room--are people allowed to masturbate in a gym steam room?  What if someone else is in there?  Doesn’t that count as sexual harassment, then?  Or indecent public exposure?

When did Kai have the time to sneak into the steam room and draw the smiley face without Harrison noticing?  He went right there from the end of their session.

About the shower masturbation bit: How is Kai so sure that Harrison is going to walk in on him doing that?  What if someone else came in?  Why wouldn’t he close the door just in case and then open it when he saw that it was Harrison coming in?  Why does Harrison just watch him?  Does this count as indecent exposure in a public place?  (He’s probably doing it on purpose to let Harrison get an eyeful, though… Kai likes to use sex to get people interested, which is interesting in of itself.  He is later established as a complete misogynist, and yet he uses a traditionally feminine means of villainy--sexuality.  What is this archetype of the person who uses their sexuality as a weapon often called?  The femme fatale--which is French for “fatal woman.”  The femininity is right in the name.  Why would a man who so disdains women employ a tactic that he likely associates with them, and therefore would disdain as well?  I won’t deny I like seeing the trope gender-flipped, though.  It’s cool, and fun to think about.)

The “Macbeth scene” (my name):

It’s been at least twelve or thirteen days since the election, since this apparently Kai and Harrison’s last session out of twelve.  

Kai has somehow managed to get into Harrison’s head well enough that the bullshit he spouts about being a mirror and quoting Nietzsche makes sense to the latter and he doesn’t ask questions.  Then again, Harrison is very vulnerable here--he’s about to be homeless, and he’s feeling down on himself.  It’s classic cult leader logic--get them when they’re feeling lost, and reassure them to make them think that you have all the answers.

“Harrison, I’m just a mirror.  Anything you see in me is in you.”  (Kai).  These words are almost lifted directly from a 1970 Rolling Stone interview with Charles Manson, a man who (in my opinion) Kai might as well be.  They’re so similar that the season is kind of just that history repeating itself.  Perhaps this is the writers trying to seed the Manson material that wil happen later.  (An additional note: I discovered this completely by accident about a week after watching the episode while reading this article.  It even mentions this season!)

The actual Macbeth part begins with Harrison cleaning up in the steam room and Kai walking in.  Harrison, like Macbeth, is in a place of uncertainty; Kai, his Lady Macbeth, urges him to take power and control of his life, which in both cases means murder.   There’s also a bit of a gender thing going on--Lady Macbeth insults Macbeth’s masculinity to encourage him, and Harrison probably is feeling a bit emasculated right now, being made to clean up other men’s semen, which leaves him vulnerable to Kai’s manipulations. Harrison, however, is more willing than Macbeth--he doesn’t ponder killing as Macbeth does, he simply does it. On the other hand, his reaction to murdering Vinny is almost identical to Macbeth’s to murdering Duncan--freaking out.  Kai is the opposite: calm and covering up the murder, just as Lady Macbeth does.  

Kai is able to hack into Vinny’s phone to send a text from it as well as erase three weeks of security footage seemingly due to a computer virus.  Perhaps he’s not lying about working in tech.  Either that or he’s a really good hacker.

He also confirms that he’s been watching Harrison and everyone around for a long time.  How?  In person?  Through cameras?  What kind of operation is he running?

More classic cult leader logic: Kai tells Harrison that they’re going to destroy everything to create a better world.  He smartly doesn’t specify what that world is, but promises a better one to someone who’s having a hard time, which is part of seeming like he can provide all the answers.

Kai apparently knows enough about the human body to instruct Harrison how to cut off a head.  Has he done this before?  As a matter of fact, did he ever kill anyone before he started the cult?

Cut to December of 2016, when Beverly is reporting on Vinny’s murder.  I’m guessing that his body wasn’t found for about a month or a little more than a month.

Beverly’s not a part of the cult during this report, since it’s this that draws Kai to talk to her and recruit her.

Kai takes Adderall, which is prescribed at one pill a day, but he’s also popping more than one at a time.  Also, I just want to point out that he looks like a modern-day, ratty Daario Naharis in this scene.  

Beverly understandably cracks after being harassed during work, but still checks herself into a rehab facility, which doesn’t really seem like her, since she’s very headstrong.  Was she made to by her boss?

Once again, Kai practically appears behind someone, this time Beverly.  Honestly, does the man wear some kind of noise-cancelling shoes?

Beverly takes up Kai’s offer for coffee even though she has no idea who he is.  Why would she do that?  Why would anyone do that?  He could be dangerous!  He is dangerous!  The fact that she took him up on the offer and didn’t walk away is honestly a stroke of luck for him.

Kai almost acts as a more chaotic version of James March here, asking Beverly how it felt to do something bad (as March often does with John), and encouraging her to kill people.  He tells her that fear gets stronger and scarier as it spreads (which is pretty obvious) and essentially asks her to be his minister of propaganda.  An earlier scene has shown that Beverly is worried about her job, as Serena seems to be rising in the ranks of the news station.  Kai is preying on that here; giving her an opportunity to become valuable when she feels like she isn’t.  

“If you get the world scared enough, they will set the world on fire for us.”  (Kai).  So he wants people to be so scared that they’ll do anything for him.  Does that mean he’s going to make people scared of him, or of the world at large so that they’ll cling to him?  Maybe both.

The backstory Kai gives Beverly (Iraq, Yale, etc.) is such blatant lying that I’m not entirely sure she believes him either, given the indulgent smile she gives him after.  Did he really think she going to believe him, or is he using the lie to paint himself as stupider than she thinks he is, so she’ll underestimate him and he’ll be able to control her later?

Beverly tells Kai that there aren’t any open seats on city council, so this is before the Changs are murdered, meaning that they were probably murdered in mid-December of 2016.

“I need you, Beverly.”  (Kai).  The vocabulary is specific.  Beverly isn’t feeling especially needed at her job at the moment, given the assignments she’s been getting (such as the landfill), but Kai is there to fill that hole.  Like with Harrison, he takes advantage of a person at a moment of low self-esteem and unhappiness.  Once again, pretty classic cult recruitment.

Only Harrison, Meadow, and Kai show up to kill Serena and her cameraman.  Are Samuels and Gary not part of the cult yet, or could they simply not make it?

As the clowns walk away, Kai appears to be holding Serena’s heart in his hand.  Holy shit.  That’s all I can say.  Jesus freaking Christ.  That’s… that’s another level of depraved.

Two people are dead, but at least the puppy is alive.  The puppy lives, and that makes me happy.  Also, I want to pet it.

Meadow is clinging to Kai’s every word in the next scene.  I’m guessing she’s already in love with him, and he probably knows it, given that he’s going to use her love for him to his advantage in two episodes.  (Just a note on the way Kai talks here--he’s very slow and deliberate, building up anticipation for his reaction to the masks.  He knows he’s got them (or Meadow at least, Harrison doesn’t look too interested) completely in his thrall.)

Kai tells Beverly that he will do anything for her, a probable callback to him telling Harrison something similar earlier in the episode (see above).  So he wasn’t lying about that--he’ll do anything for anyone in his circle, or if he thinks it’ll get them in his circle.  And it’s part of indoctrination--he’s making Beverly feel like he cares about her, like he’s one of the only people who cares about her, so she’ll come to rely on him.

Beverly is next seen reporting on the finding of Vinny’s severed head, which was reportedly alerted to the police by anonymous tip.  Did one of the cult members call it in, to work more fear-mongering?  

Flash back to 07 November 2016, the day before the election.  Ivy first meets Winter when the latter defends the former after Gary sexually assaults her.  I’m guessing that Ivy met Kai through Winter, likely after confiding her frustrations in her about Ally voting for Jill Stein.  An important question: is the cult tormenting Ally only because Ivy is angry and wants to hurt her, or does Kai have some vested interest in Ally?  (I’ve seen the interpretation that he’s in love with her, which is interesting to think about.)

Kai must have some kind of ability to move without sound, because he opens the door to Winter’s room and walks in without her noticing.  How stealthy can he be?  I’d swear he was a ghost if this season wasn’t the only one without supernatural elements or magic.

He also seems to notice the blood on Winter’s finger even though she’s standing far from him in a dimly, red-lit room.  Again, does he actually have some kind of power?

Kai honestly looks rather aroused when Winter tells him that hurting Gary “felt fucking fantastic” and orders her to tell him everything.  It’s like if James March and Viserys Targaryen had a son.  An extremely disturbing son.

Given that Kai frees Gary from the basement, Winter must have told him everything, but why, when it’s not in her interests at all?  My guess: she’s afraid of what he’ll do to her if she doesn’t.  Even though the cult isn’t a thing yet, he still exerts some power over her, especially since she likely knows of his violent tendencies and inappropriate attraction to her.  (I am using the words “likely” and “probably” a lot in these notes.  I’m sorry; it’s simply that not everything is confirmed and I must hazard guesses based on dialogue and body language.)

When Kai goes down to find Gary, there’s a shot where the background is completely black, and he’s the only thing in the shot that’s lit.  No comment here.  I just think it looks really cool.

“Humiliation” and its varieties is a word Kai uses with almost all of his followers recruited so far: Harrison, Beverly, Meadow, and now Gary.  He even uses it to refer to himself in the first episode.  Humiliation is key here; Kai takes people that feel humiliated and works with it, because people hate feeling humiliated (in my experience), and he’s promising them that he can take away that feeling, and maybe even help them punish those who humiliated them.  He’s using it to get them to do insane things that they would otherwise never do (i.e., Gary cutting off his own hand).  Throughout this whole episode, he’s been doing that, and I won’t say that it’s not clever, since it’s working very well.

I don’t like Gary at all, but I do feel sorry for him.  No one deserves an insane man manipulating them into cutting off their own hand.  Not even to vote.

Kai looks unnerved by Gary cutting off his own hand.  This man cut out a woman’s heart without flinching, and this freaks him out?  What the hell are his standards for gore?  Not self-inflicted?

[yoongi-aka-agust-d]

20 questions tag

I was tagged by @puppyoongslike ten years ago and im finally coming around to it lmao, thanks for thinking of me ~

rules: answer the 20 questions and tag 20 blogs you would like to get to know better

nicknames: i dont really have any? my name is v short as it is. my nickname currently in the main group chat is ‘unapologetic’ but idk when it became that lmao 

gender: female

star sign: virgo

height: im not sure? i think its around the 5′4 mark

time right now: 00:31am

last thing I googled: ‘its never too late to be what you could have been’ quote

favorite bands: bts, the neighbourhood, i feel like my chem should get an honorary mention. fall out boy have pure bops. i also love exo, blackpink, red velvet and twice but im not like a hardcore fan, just a casual.i rly like don broco, and KARD look promising i mean both the songs so far have been absolute tunes 

fave solo artists: halsey, melanie martinez (yes i am trash), britney spears (shes fucking iconic ok), nicki minaj (the actual queen), troye sivan, the weeknd

song stuck in my head:down by marian hill and now or never by halsey

last movie I watched: zootropolis was the last film i watched in general (it was a rewatch w the fam and its a damn good film if you ignore the influence of furries), beauty and the beast was the last film i saw in cinema (twice so far. its so good!!)

last show I watched: i just watched the first ep of the new season of doctor who. brooklyn 99 was the last (and possibly only tbh) show i finished (repeatedly. its my fave. yall should watch b99)

when did you create your blog: i just checked and this blog has been going since august 2011 how gross thats so many years wasted on this god forsaken site. this is my main blog, i have an aesthetic side blog i created like almost two years ago.

what do you post: literally anything. there is no rhyme, reason, structure or rules. its a mess. it started off as aesthetic and disney, went through the bandom phase, the criminal minds phase, the marvel phase and is currently bts/kpop w some other random shit mixed in.

when did your blog reach its peak?: god i hope it hasnt tbh that would be a bit depressing. i think this is the most Peak its been since i started it though

do you have other blogs: ya boy i have my aesthetic side blog if any of yall are interested in all that jazz @existingmess

when i first started out i originally had a side blog on the books i read which i kept going until about three years ago, but it stopped being fun so i deleted it. (it was called the book count)

do you get asks regularly: n o honestly i never get asks why does no one like me T T i would be so happy if any of yall ever hmu

why did you choose your url: i had idontgiveafxxk as a reference to nevermind, but when the agust d mixtape came out i wanted a url that was more blatantly yoongi related and @not-jeongguk v generously gifted me a saved url

following: 453

posts: 43,983 how rank

hogwarts house: OKAY SO when pottermore came out i did the test TWICE and both times i got slytherin, and i was a v proud slytherin. until earlier this year or late last year, i took the test again to see what my patronus was, and i got ravenclaw???? i feel like ive been living a lie????? but seeing as i would have finished hogwarts by now im sticking w slytherin 

pokémon team: i have never done a gym in pokemon go so i havent actually ever chosen whoops

favorite colors: idk im bad at choosing stuff like this. i mean, def black. and red. at the moment im also very fond of bright orange,winnie the pooh yellow and pastel pink too.

average hours of sleep: who the fuck even knows w my sleep. it ranges from like none to twelve hours (i slept 12 hours yday)

lucky numbers: i dont rly have any so ill go w 6 and 9 bcos theyre my faves (ITS BDAY RELATED I PROMISE)

fave characters: gallowglass from the discovery of witches book series (HE DESERVED BETTER THAN THE LAST BOOK WTF). finnick odair (HE DESERVED BETTER THAN THE LAST BOOK WTF). every character from the brooklyn 99 tv show. Bucky barnes. peter pan. harley quinn.

what am I wearing now?: my new mickey mouse nightie i got for easter off my aunt

how many blankets do you sleep with: one duvet and if its cold one or two blankets on top

dream job: fuck me if i know

dream trip: i wanna go to south korea and attend a bts concert omg. failing that,, disney will work

im not entirely sure who to tag other than @not-jeongguk , so im just gon tag everyone i know @plaster-chief @jonathxnbyers @redeyes-ultimatedragon i do know others but ive forgotten their urls im sorry if u see this feel free to do it anyways ~

[my-lord-technopath]

Hey there, anyone who will read this, it has been a while since I have posted anything, but I feel that this is important enough to come out of tumblr retirement, if only briefly. WARNING: This will contain spoilers from a lot of Star Wars things, so if you haven��t seen it and care about the surprise of it all, run away now. But most of this is pretty old material, so this warning won’t apply to most Star Wars fans, the most recent thing is a spoiler form episode 14 of the newest season of Star Wars Rebels, so be advised.

I was rewatching the entire Star Wars franchise (all the movies, tv episodes, and even that one Clone Wars cartoon from 2003 that is no longer considered cannon) and I realized something. Before I had started watching it all again, I had seen a video by The Film Theorists about why Luke shouldn’t blow up the Death Star (video here https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s4Y3dlTDAxw if anyone wants to watch it, it also has things that I am not going to talk about). To summerize the part that is important in this context for those who don’t want to be dragged down the dark rabbit hole of YouTube, and instead want to remain in the safe rabbit hole of Tumblr, it was explained that the way in which Palpatine became the Emperor, most of the Republic probably wouldn’t have noticed the exchange of power save for maybe seeing it in the space newspaper or something, while the rebellion waged over the course of Star Wars Rebels, Rouge One, and Episodes IV-VI would have thrown the galaxy into disarray.

The thing that I realized is that the theory, while valid in many aspects, fails to account for one very important thing, public opinion.

There was an episode in the Clone Wars TV show that explained that public services, electricity, education, access to clean water, etc. all of these things were suffering due to the Republic funneling as much money as they could into the war against the Separatists. Pandme herself talked about one of her aides who had children that were only allowed, and I might be a little off on the number here, once every two weeks. It actually got to the point where the Senate deregulated the banks so that they could borrow more money for the war. When that happened, the banks were able to charge an interest so staggering that the Republic would have collapsed whether they won the war or not. When Palpatine came into power, he gained a broken Republic with so much debt, it’s amazing that he was able to do anything.

By turning the Republic into an Empire, he had just won the Clone Wars, appeared like a living martyr (after surviving an “assassination attempt” by Mace Windu and the other Jedi), and suddenly had all the power he needed to pull himself and the new empire out from the gutter.

At the beginning of the new Empire, it was not just another day in the Republic, just with a different name and less Jedi. When the Empire was formed, Palpatine must have looked like a God-send who won the war and would make all the evil in the Galaxy go away. To be quite honest, if his plan wasn’t evil and involved so much child murder and manipulation/ruination of the lives of a countless number of people, I would say that his plan was not only nearly flawlessly executed, but was also a masterwork of pure genius.

Of course, that sentiment didn’t last. A little noticed line in Episode IV by Grand Moff Tarkin was said, when the first Death Star was completed, the Emperor had just disbanded the Senate, he didn’t need to worry about anything or anyone, save the Rebellion. Training soldiers, who at that point were no longer clones, but people who either volunteered or were forcefully enlisted, to kill innocent people for even potentially getting in the way of the Emperor, using the inventions of Imperial Academy students to attack and submit their own home-world (in the case of Sabine from the Star Wars Rebels Series), even the creation of a toxic gas, testing it on the people of Genonosis, essentially killing off most of the population.

So when the Emperor was defeated ad a slow process back into a Republic was being made, the people saw it as the same kind of god-send as they had seen when Palpatine had taken them from a Republic so many years before.

Now the video I had mentioned earlier had different reasons for why the destruction of the Death Star was a bad idea, but I just focused on the human aspect.

[qsdblogging]

10 More TV Shows You Need To See

This is the second installment of my recommendations of shows for you to add to your own lists. I watch a lot of television and I’ve got, what I consider to be at least, a wide variety of shows under my favorites. 

If you haven’t seen the first list, you don’t need to unless you want to see another list of ten shows you may want to check out if you’re looking for anything new to watch.

Warning, though, some of these don’t end the best way and may end up more as a disappointment. I’ll leave that up to you to decide.

I. Warehouse 13.

Pete and Myka, U.S Secret Service Agents, are deployed to South Dakota’s Warehouse 13 with a new assignment from an authority above and outside the government. 

Intrigued?

With the Warehouse comes assignments regarding objects that hold some sort of abilities that can cause people to do wild and crazy things. It’s their job to find the artifacts (as they all hold significance to history) and bring them back to the Warehouse for safe keeping.

Things get wild and some serious topics get handled, but the show isn’t alone. It’s connected to another on this list, Eureka. More on that when you get to Eureka.

Some familiar faces are Eddie McClintock who played a part in Bones, one episode of Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., Joanne Kelly who played a role in The Dresden Files television series, Allison Scagliotti who played roles in Stitchers, The Vampire Diaries, and Drake & Josh, Aaron Ashmore (twin brother to Shawn Ashmore, who has been in the X-Men movies alongside appearing in The Boys, and voicing Conrad in Man of Medan) from Killjoys, Lost Girl, and Smallville, and Jamie Murray from Castelvania, Gotham, The Originals, Once Upon a Time, Defiance, and Dexter.

I highly recommend, especially because the dynamic of the characters is really interesting and covers a lot. 

II. Eureka.

As mentioned above, this is connected to Warehouse 13. But only in the last two seasons of this show are the two connected. 

Eureka is a town full of geniuses and advanced technology that the government funds, and when a new sheriff comes to town, he’s exposed to all the daily occurrences the locals get up to. And maybe a couple instances of time travel that may or may not have to do with the connection.

The town is full of faces you may recognize. Colin Ferguson who has roles in Haven, The Vampire Diaries, and Maytag commercials, Erica Cerra who has roles in The 100, Supernatural, Deadly Class, and the first Percy Jackson film, Felicia Day who has roles in The Magicians, Supernatural, Con Man, The Guild, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Trevor Jackson who has roles in Grown-ish, and a couple Disney productions.

It’s a huge science fiction show and if you’re into that, give it a watch.

III. Alphas.

Now, like the two above is, Alphas is a science fiction packed drama. And it’s rumored to be connected, like be in the same universe, as Warehouse 13 and Eureka. It’s never been confirmed, but there is one character (same name and job) that plays a part in both Alphas and Warehouse 13, which is the stem for the theory. (Plus, some other ideas floating around). 

But Alphas focuses on a team that investigates people with supernatural abilities while they, themselves, have abilities. These powered people are referred to as Alphas, due to their nature.

Unfortunately, this show ends on a cliffhanger in its second season.

Yet, I still recommend giving it a shot because it truly is an interesting show and it’s got some people you may recognize. 

IV. Haven.

If you’re a fan of Stephen King’s “Colorado Kid”, you’ll most likely enjoy this show since it’s loosely based off of it. 

Set in the coastal town of Haven, Maine, FBI Agent Audrey Parker comes to town to find that the residents have dormant curses, or rather troubles, that can be triggered at any given moment. She, along with the Sheriff and the town’s black sheep, must deal with the troubles’ deadly effects. And a few things may be revealed about herself too along the way.

It’s pretty interesting and I enjoyed it quite a lot when I first watched it. I’m not the biggest fan of Stephen King, and the connection seems to barely be there, but I wouldn’t know given my dislike for King. 

I highly recommend giving Haven a shot, however, especially if you’re a crime and fantasy fan. 

V. Lost Girl.

Lost Girl focuses on the gorgeous and charismatic Bo, a supernatural being called a succubus who feeds on the energy of humans, sometimes with fatal results. Refusing to embrace her supernatural clan system and its rigid hierarchy, Bo is a renegade who takes up the fight for the underdog while searching for the truth of her own mysterious origins. (Taken from IMDB). 

Plus, there a lesbian romance or two. 

Now, the show itself is pretty strong holding in its own storyline and lore, but the last season does get a bit rocky feeling. It could’ve been better, and it definitely feels a little rushed, but it wasn’t too bad of an ending. However, it’s not a show that got cancelled before it could wrap things up and it leaves things pretty open-ended.

In my books, that’s a point. I highly recommend this is if you’re a fan of fantasy.

VI. Almost Human.

Unfortunately, this is one of the ones in the list that only has one season (that seems to be out of order and frankly I’m not entirely sure of the order myself, so rely on googling it yourself and hopefully you find the right order) and was cancelled not long after airing. 

BUT, it’s a good watch. It’s set in the distant future, where cops are assigned an android partner to protect and serve. Things get pretty wild and I’m quite sure there are some bombs involved at some point, but there’s a bonus to all the madness of Almost Human.

Minka Kelly and Karl Urban. Two incredibly beautiful human beings.

I highly recommend bingeing this single season show. 

VII. American Gods.

This shows feels very confusing. But it’s still a good watch. 

It centers on a recently released ex-con named Shadow Moon. He runs into a man full of mystery named Wednesday (and you’ll later come to find out who he really is, or you may already know given your knowledge on the book of the same name or just how well you know mythology) who seems to know more than Shadow about his own life and past. 

There are Gods, mischief, and a lot of crazy shit in this show. So far it’s on it’s third season as far as I know (I have to rewatch the first two before I pick it back up).

You should give it a shot, but I won’t blame you if you feel way too confused about the whole thing.

VIII. The Boys.

Now, there’s a lot of controversy regarding this Amazon Original Series, but honestly, I think everyone should at least give it a chance. I know a lot of Tumblr users were put off on trying to due to the advertisements on the site. 

If you don’t know what this series is about, it follows a group of vigilantes set on taking down the corrupt superheroes that are abusing their powers and status.

It covers a lot of ground. Murder, sabotage, terrorism, capitalism, and a lot more. Feminism and sexual harassment occur, but there are warning before each episode for what you may see in the contents.

Some familiar faces include Karl Urban, who’s known for his roles in Thor: Ragnarok, the newer Star Trek movies, Almost Human, Lord of the Rings, and more, Erin Moriarty from Jessica Jones, Laz Alonso from The Mysteries of Laura, Chace Crawford from Gossip Girl and The Covenant, and Jensen Ackles from Supernatural has been confirmed to be joining the cast for its third season.

The Boys is currently on it’s second season, being released on a weekly schedule. So, if you like superheroes and graphic content, this show might be it for you.

IX. Chuck.

Chuck is the result of when a twenty-eight year old computer geek inadvertently downloads critical government secrets into his brain, the C.I.A. and the N.S.A. assign two agents to protect him and exploit the knowledge, turning Chuck Bartowski’s life upside down. (Taken from IMDB).

This is one of the shows I cannot recommend enough to people. It’s the right mixture of action and comedy, plus a little romance. Spies, love, and murder, oh my! What more could you want? 

Plus, Zachery Levi plays Chuck. If you don’t know him by name, you probably would recognize him from some of his roles with the most recent being in Shazam!, Fandral in the second and third Thor films, voicing Eugene Fitzherbert (or Flynn Rider) in Tangled, and Heroes: Reborn. 

If Zachery Levi playing a lovable computer geek turned spy doesn’t interest you, maybe some more familiar faces will. 

Yvonne Strahovski from The Handmaid’s Tale, The Astronaut Wives Club, acting as Daenerys in a Princess Rap Battle on Youtube, and Dexter. Adam Baldwin from Firefly/Serenity, Bones, Angel, The Last Ship, and Independence Day. Brandon Routh who plays Ray Palmer from the DC Shows. Matt Bomer from Doom Patrol, American Horror Story, White Collar, Magic Mike, and True Calling.

X. Deadly Class.

Unfortunately, I have a truly bad streak with new shows. Deadly Class, like others that have been mentioned in these lists of mine, got cancelled and on a cliffhanger no less. However, that shouldn’t stop you from enjoying the action-packed coming-of-age story set in the 1980s. 

Following a new recruit for a high school training assassins, things get pretty wild when you pair death and teenagers.