#now is certainly a very bad time to consider going on hormones so its less of an “I'm doing this thing”

[casvonriegan]

Been thinking about testosterone but not for the reasons you may think

[starshipsofstarlord]

Hi! So I would like to request a Seb x reader one shot if you have the time ☺️ I just got diagnosed with Endometriosis today and am in need of some soft Seb... Could you write smth where Seb finds out that reader is always in pain during sex and never said anything, though he knows she has Endometriosis and usually cares for her during her period... and he then encourages her to get surgery to try and fix it? Only if it's okay though, I know it's very precise, sorry!

A/N; I am so sorry to hear about this hun, i hope there’s something that can be done, no one deserves to go through that kind of pain. I researched endometriosis and it certainly sounds horrible, I’m sending you all my love and support 💙

Endometriosis - Sebastian Stan x reader

Masterlist Link

Summary; based on the request, I changed it a tiny bit so I hope that’s okay, I just feel like if r was in pain seb would notice, I hope you like it hun 🤍

Warnings; endometriosis, smut, oral sex (male and female receiving), 69ing, mentions of sex toys, illness, mention of alcohol, fluff, pain, swearing

divider by @firefly-graphics

It hurt like a bitch, there was no way to put it, or at least it was a simpler revelation of description at the prying of your womb had you near to tears. You laid your head down into the pillow, mushing it into the fabric, as you wanted the pain to dwindle down into nothing, and thus you tried to ignore your own suffering, as you turned over to be on your back, severely wincing by the change in position. A groan came from the other side of the bed, as the man that was laid there began to shuffle, in the midst of waking up.

“Morning.” He spoke with a hoarse voice, the steadiness obliterated by his blatant hangover that was haunting his form. Sebastian rubbed a hand over his eyes as he fully awoke, stretching his back as he reached his arm out, swiftly hooking it around the back of your neck as you allowed yourself to lay on the muscle. “Guess neither of us got laid, did we?” He laughed lightly, shaking his head, as he tipped his chin up, blinking his baby blues up to the ceiling.

“Considering that we’re in the same bed, and that you’re not a stranger to me, I guess not.” You laughed to your close friend, whom was aware of your condition, but not the extent of it. “Looks like you’re going to suffer from no morning sex Stan, I’m sure that sucks for you.”

“Usually it’s someone else doing the sucking.” You smacked his arm at his off handed comment, pulling a smirk out from the man as he turned to face you, pulling you closer by the contact that he had upon you. “I’m guessing your disappointed that you’re not waking up to some muscular, blonde haired and blue eyes patriotic punk.”

“If you’re describing Evans, i swear that I will punch you in the dick, I said he was attractive once.” You put emphasis on the amount of time(s) you had ever mentioned it. A pout quivered his lips, as he shuffled beneath the covers, angling his hips in a more comfortable position so that they weren’t being crunched down on the mattress.

“You can punch my dick, on the agreement that you kiss it better.” Seb allowed a hollow smirk to mull over his handsome features, as you swatted his bicep once more, an unhumored frown conforming its position upon your face.

“I’m not one of your hook ups, I’m not gonna get on my knees for you buddy.” You bantered back, raising a brow at his inquisition. No, you were not a past sexual partner of his; it was a constant of him never having a serious relationship, he opted for flings rather than any long engagements, you suspected that he had feelings for someone else, but you were not sure of whom.

The thought alone of him being endeared with the image of one woman brought a pain to your body, separate from your medical suffering. Though your opinion wasn’t fair, considering that you as well, or had your time of sleeping around before the pain in your inner walls became too much, and that was one of the many things that you had given up, more or less.

To support the montage of your body’s self torture, you had a mixture of hormone and tablets that helped reduce the unexplainable sensation that willed around in your lower half, swarming around like an internal snake bite in your own body.

“69 then?” He joked, but it felt so serious. You knew he wasn’t being truthful, it was the relationship the pair of you had, though his face had moved closer, his breath fanning over your face, making your heart prominently race as you thought about such a scenario. “Having mentioned Evans...” he began to change the conversation, having felt the heat that had radiated from your body.

“Go on.” You pried at him, interested in hearing what his friend had opted to say about the pair of you. It wasn't every day that you heard celebrities gossiping about you.

“He thinks we’ve hooked up.” Sebastian stated, making your neck reel slightly back as you took in the fact, of well, the perceived view point of a world renowned, household name, actor. A part of you was slightly embarrassed, you held your own cheek as the words that Chris had passed on sunk in on you.

“We, no, never. Okay, I’m exaggerating, that would not be so bad, but it would definitely be weird. But like, why does he think that, of all things?” You asked whilst partially laughing. It made you partially aware of yourself, and the prospect of you possibly having made your feelings obvious, but that however hadn’t been the case as Seb scratched over the stubble that he had on his chin, and did that awkward Bucky smile that had became humorous in his new marvel show.

“Of all things; it’s like you’re trying to break my heart babes.” With one diverging look from you, he knew he was done for. It always pained him to keep secrets from you, and this was the one that he had been hiding for so long. “You’re really going to make me say it, aren’t you? Okay, fine. I still can’t believe that you haven’t caught on, after all this time, but this just shows that you haven’t noticed how I try and scare away every guy with my money and power.”

“Yeah, I noticed that.” Lightly you scoffed, having many memories of such a situation. It was a pattern that kept repeating itself, but to you it had just become normal, and to say you were fine with it was not incorrect. It gave you hope that he could reciprocate the emotions that you held towards him, though having a wish like that was altogether hopeless. He was just protective, that was all, he probably saw you like a little sister, or something of the sort, that really put a drab annotation on the prospect of romance.

“Ever wonder why?” Ever, more like all the time, but you allowed him to continue without disruption, by doing so more would be unveiled by that mouth of his, and you were eager to learn more, yet a little hesitant. “It is because I am so tired of being your friend, I love it, don’t get me wrong but...” you were dreading what was to come out of his mouth next, you squeezed your eyes shut, almost as if you were unable to see, the pain would not render upon your specimen. “I love you.”

“You what?!” Eyes snapping open, you were blatantly shocked by his confession. “That can’t be right Seb, you’re you, and I’m me, and-“

“We’re us.” He finished for you. As he noticed you relax from his contingence, which allowed him the time gap to slide closer, his warm and soft hand running up the side of your face as he watched you gasp from the sensation. It was not the first time he had touched your cheek, but it was the first instance in which he done so intimately; you were rather fond of the treatment.

You nuzzled your face into the curve of his hand, your brows lightly directed in a downwards motion as you lulled in his touch, and that was when you realised that he had frozen. “Shit.” You stopped him from moving away, pausing the sadness in his eyes for the current second. “I should have responded, that was my bad. I love you too, I’m not just saying that, so you know.”

“That’s a relief.” Sebastian sighed, falling back onto the mattress, bringing his face accidentally closer to your own. The tips of your noses were touching as your eyes ogled deep within the pools of one another’s, it was impossible not to seek a closer vicinity, and thus, you slunk closer, bracing the tips of your nails against his scruff, as your lips worked their way onto his.

“How would you like another kind of relief?” You pulled away, stroking down the smooth course of his shirt covered chest, prompting a suggestive dialogue in your tone. His brow raised as he thought about it for a moment, but then he remembered a rather distinctive matter he didn’t want to cause any obstruction to.

“What about your, you know?” He was referring to your endometriosis, having the knowledge about the unfortunate illness that interfered with your life. Through it all, the doctors appointments, the encouraging you to take your medication on days that you weren’t feeling particularly well, he was there. Now it made sense why.

To reply, you softly shook your head, combing your hands over his shoulders, as you answered him. “If it gets too much, I’ll give you the signal.” You spoke, leaning down to peck his lips, though you still saw the reluctance that was embedded on his forehead in the form of strict lines. “I promise.” You persuaded him, meaning the sentiment, as his eyes trailed down, his hand scourging a fierce, passionate grip upon your hipbone as his tongue weaved its way back into your mouth.

You moaned into the atmosphere of his mouth, grabbing onto his cheeks as you heaved breaths into the internal beyond of this man, rolling on top of him, as you swept your crotch down against his own, extracting a sinister sound out of his guttural throat. It was only turning you on more, and you knew that if you didn’t do something, even despite the recommendations of your doctor, you would be sufficed with a lack of pleasure, and that was all you currently craved.

It wasn’t fair how you had been dubbed with the condition. So many people in the world could have sex whenever they pleased, yet you were forced to commend under the sentence of experiencing a discomfort when all you wanted was the comfort of being intwined with another human being. That connection, it felt mandatory, however you were denied it, for every time that you proceeded to bed a stranger, or a partner of any sorts, the stretch of anything in your walls pursued you with a fracture of pain.

You’d even had to throw out your vibrator, whilst it felt good on the outside, the clenching of your empty walls sparked physical and mental hurt, and reminded you of the fact that whenever you were filled by any length, your body could not function to emit pleasure, instead it was the opposite that you were tasked with contracting. The thought and reminder often spewed tears in your eyes, but you held them back as you got lost in Sebastian.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” He admitted sentimentally, and your heart both became full and broken. It was sweet and scorching to the arousal between your legs to know that he was that concerned about your well being; he wasn’t just prioritising getting his dick wet. He resumed pressing succulent kisses on your lips, he lulled in the notion, he too wanted to be close to you, but he wasn’t willing to do inadvertently so to the expense of you being in pain.

That was the opposite of what he wanted, even as your hand wandered down his firm and pheromone driven body, that bucked in your grip, as your hand hooked around his bulge, your thumb stroking over his round sack as he grew beneath the layers of his soft sweats and underwear. “69 then?” You reiterated his earlier words, causing his pupils to blow wide, and his blue irises to darken into the juxtaposition of stormy skies.

“Will that be okay?” You confirmed it was, even if you weren’t completely sure yourself. The angles, the penetration, it was all elements, that combined gave you an equation that you had yet to figure out. The only way to do so was to try it, even if it concluded in an error, and not a sensible answer. To instigate the next step, you roused your sleep shirt from your body, leaving you in nothing more than your causal panties, but Seb didn’t seem to mind.

In fact he rather preferred the normalcy of your actions and undress, it made the strategy of shifting from friends to intimate lovers into one of relaxation, there was no absurdity nor discomfort yet, for either one of you. Your fingers dipped in the sides of your underwear, teasing the band, as you cocked your head towards Seb, licking your lips as you took in the view of him entranced by your being. “Am I going to be the one naked or...”

You were grateful that he took the hint, and stripped himself from both layers that kept his goods confined. He rapidly removed them, leaving his uncut cock open to your gaze; it wasn’t anything massive which was a relief, but it for now, it was to be attained in the confinement of your mouth, rather than the realm of your cunt, so that slight stretch could await. As you thought of that, you reached your hand out, dancing your fingers lightly over his shaft.

Seb emitted a soft huff from his obtainable lips, he dragged you to be laying atop of him, as your thighs surrounded his length on either side, it was warm, and rested perfectly below your where your cunt was hovering. How you wished to just sink down on it and- “Turn around.” For a moment you took time to refrain your memory to perceive what you had said before. And then, whence your words caught up to you, it was simple to do so, especially with the motivation of what was going to happen.

As you spun around, to be facing his lower half and have your own above his mouth, you watched his cock twitch, as it rested heavily upon his abdomen. You could feel your nerves kick in; it was a substantial difference from anything that you had ever done together, from looking at the stars and watching cheesy movies, to sexual actions, it was quite the leap. But a welcome one, you had waited so long to acknowledge your feelings to him, you'd be damned if you were not going to act on them.

A shiver rippled up your spine as he paved a lick through your slit, it made you tense up for a moment, and you try to register any diagnosis of pain, you coiled when he put one of your lips in his mouth. It felt good, which was a relief, and you took that as a sign to reap your front forwards, and focus on his throbbing hardness that was oozing precum against his perfect skin. The drop of essence looked like liquid moonstone, catching the ambience of the snooping sun that eyes through the crescent opening of the closed curtains, creating a luminescent light against the contrast of his skin.

Leaning forwards, as the initial shock of Seb using his tongue on you had settled in, as a faint plea from inside of you derived away in your eternal being, your tongue glided over the patch of fallen precum, your eyes fluttering at the heavenly, yet rare taste, it wasn’t every day that a man’s cum was relatively nice on your buds. Some perceived eating junk food as a lifestyle, caring not for how the receiver of their sperm would taste within the mouth of a giver on the other end. Sebastian hummed against your slick folds, as he danced his hands around your ass, grasping your cheeks firmly.

His fingers swept through the outside of your cunt, fooling around with your labia as his tongue swirled your bud, making your face grimace on the edge of pleasure, as your warm lips wrapped around the head of his cock, whirling your tongue within his slit, as your hand rested around the rest of his length, jerking it in your grasp, as his hips lightly heaved upwards against your face. He teased a finger around your entrance, running the tip along the wet flesh that mimicked your breaths as it clenched prosperously.

“Shit!” Tears webbed in your eyes as he entered the finger, though he considered that a resonating profanity of pleasure. To your dismay, it indeed was not though, the entry of the digit weighed heavy inside you, prying sorely against your walls as your giving to him paused, as you harshly gripped his thigh. “Shit, that hurts Seb. Fuck!” In an instant, he stopped, extracting his finger out from within you, as it caused you further pain, and helped you turn around, and lay languidly upon the bed.

“Oh my god, fuck, I’m so sorry y/n/n.” He panicked, immense guilt wavering his body, as he grasped your face, staring with sorrow into your seasoned expression. “I didn’t mean to- didn’t want to hurt you, shit, I should never have tried to-“ soothing his conflicting emotions, you stroked his shoulders, kissing him to ease his words into silence. He felt guilty, but so did you, you were the one whom had encouraged to pursue the rhythm of your shared sexuality to one another, deducting the poise of your actions with tear beaded eyes.

“It was my fault; I said it would be fine. I should have known it shouldn’t have, I’m sorry.” You reasoned with him, knowing that you had told him that it was to be something that you could manage, but from experience, you should have had better knowledge of how things would turn out.

“Don’t you ever apologise, you’re perfect, the only thing that I want to ease is your suffering. Is there any news on the operation that can be done, should I get you your medication now?” He wanted to be certain, to ensure that you didn’t put the accountability of your situation completely on yourself, he should have asked if a finger would have been fine, he shouldn’t have been swayed by your persuasion. “I could talk to someone, see if I could get the thing moved up, I can pay for it, get you further up on the ladder.”

“No.” You smiled, pressing an ample kiss upon his scruffy cheek. “I don’t want that, many other people are waiting for the op too, and I can’t have you paying for it. That would just be inconsiderate of me, you have already done so much for me, I can’t ask more. You’ve been there through everything, just wait with me whilst I wait for myself.” You pulled the sheets over your breasts, staring opulently into his serene eyes, shuddering as he swept his lips over your mouth once more, deriving you breathless for a moment.

“It’s okay to be selfish, if any of them had that chance, then they would take it. I can afford it, and I would want nothing more than to pay for it, it’s not just about sex, you know that. I love you so so much, you’re my best friend, the girl of my dreams, I’ve waited for you, I just want the pain that you live through to disappear. Out of all people, it’s not fair that it’s you, but it is, and this is the one way to fix the reductive searing of hurt that you live through.” You gulped, water glazing your irises as you stared at her, trying to diffuse your light sob.

His words brought acceptance to you within the scenario, as you took a deep breath in, confronting the trigger that had set off inside of you. It was difficult to handle and attain to, as you curled in his bare arms, exasperating your soundness close to him, as he competently cupped your face, kissing the tip of your nose. “Okay.” You agreed, nodding sincerely along with your words. “Okay, I’ll do it for me. It’s the right thing to do.” A smile raved his face, as you convinced yourself of doing so. It was to be a long road, but Sebastian would be there holding your hand, travelling down this path alongside you.

[guqin-and-flute]

Modern 3zun/A-Fu Verse--Baby Acquisition Continuation

[Part 1] [Modern A-Fu Verse] [AO3 Series]

[Crediting @little-smartass​ with a lot of the characterization/story beats because I’m positive we’ve had a conversation about this at some point]

“He really is as bald as a little cue ball, isn’t he?”

It took Meng Yao several seconds to register that words had been spoken, another to parse the words, then another to tear his gaze up from the pile of early childhood development books he was accumulating in his lap, color coded tabs bristling from the edges. Da-ge was sprawled in the corner of their enormous sage green couch in his slacks and undershirt, bathed in the ghostly, swimming glow of the TV on mute. He was looking down fondly at the newborn tucked into the crook of his arm, fast asleep with his fist shoved up against his face.

A newborn that was, in fact, very bald. And so very tiny.

“Is that normal? Is that a sign of something?” Meng Yao began to anxiously dig around in the plush crevices of the armchair he was folded into for his phone, preparing to search something along the lines of ‘is baby baldness bad??’

On the other half of the L of the couch from Mingjue, Xichen sucked in a shuddering breath through his nose, making them both freeze and look over. But all he did was sigh in his sleep and return to his motionless sprawl where he had collapsed about an hour and a half ago when Mingjue forcibly removed the baby from his arms and insisted he lay down. “Just for 5 minutes,” Meng Yao had also reasoned in a two pronged attack. “No one says you have to nap. Just close your eyes for a bit, then you can take him again while Da-ge makes dinner, if you want.”

Of course, he had fallen asleep immediately as they all had known he would. But one had to give Xichen explicit permission and then a backup compromise and then incentive before he considered doing something so selfish as making sure he wasn’t dead on his feet, even after a day of running errands with an 7 day old who was still suffering from stomach upset from travel. Meng Yao and Mingjue were long since practiced in being able to maneuver around his particular aversion of self care.

When their eyes met again, Mingjue’s were crinkled and he teased in a lower voice, “Being bald is a sign of being an infant, A-Yao. You really know nothing about babies, do you?”

Meng Yao aggressively squashed back the automatic bridling that happened every time a flaw in his...anything was pointed out. Instead, he primly brandished a pastel yellow book with curlicue flowers around the edge. “I am learning.” It’s not my fault I obtained all my siblings after adolescence. Not for lack of trying...

“I’m telling you, most of those are gonna be useless. Everyone’s got something to say and it’s all going to be different. You’re better off just winging it,” Mingjue stage whispered dismissively, rolling his eyes. “It’s just until Xichen’s uncle gets the custody stuff all worked out, so he’ll be gone before you know it. Just enjoy the baby-head smell while he’s here.”

The what? He narrowed his eyes at him. “You’re making fun of me.”

For some reason, a grin spread over Da-ge’s face--a delighted, self satisfied grin. “Oh.” He got up--(”Don’t wake him up--” Meng Yao hissed, stiffening, remembering his disconcerting little mewling cries from Xichen’s return from the store)--and easily cupped the infant up to his shoulder as he crossed the thick cream carpeting.

“Make room, come on,” Mingjue whispered, grabbing a stack of books in one large hand and carelessly tossing them onto the basket of neatly folded throw blankets beside the armchair.

Lips pursed and fully harassed, now, Meng Yao neatly piled the remaining books down by the leg of the chair. “Why do you insist--” When he sat back up, he immediately almost fumbled the armful of baby that was thrust into them. But Mingjue seemed to have been ready for this, because he just kept pressing him into his chest until Meng Yao’s hold came up automatically to support him.

The baby was warm and very soft, with no tension in him at all as he slept. And so light--almost like some sort of doll. It was hard to believe he was a real, living human being instead of some sort of strange hairless animal. Baxia had more heft, for god’s sake and she was a cat.

For some reason, Meng Yao’s heart rate immediately spiked as if he were being chased. His palms and neck began to sweat. It’s not like he hadn’t held the child in the day that he had been here, he just...well, he actually hadn’t. He hadn’t held any child before--his nephew wasn’t quite born yet and he had never been in a foster home with a baby. All yesterday and last night, he had shadowed Mingjue while he changed the diapers, observing techniques such as ‘The Turkey Hold’ and ‘Tissues Before Wet Wipes’. He had noted the ease with which Xichen just palmed him belly down like a fragile little football while packing the lunches Mingjue had assembled for him and Meng Yao to take to work, or patiently maneuvered his little sausage limbs in and out of clothes like he wasn’t afraid of breaking him.

And they certainly weren’t keeping him from Meng Yao--but he was still researching and information gathering while they had plenty of experience. And the stakes seemed absurdly high to chance a failure with this particular subject He hadn’t been avoiding it, just...he was sure the opportunity would present itself. Eventually.

His face was round and slightly alien in its minute proportions; a perfect miniature of a proper nose, a fine dusting of eyebrows above completely smooth little eyelids, a tiny squinch of a mouth that had fallen open in sleep.  And he sort of smelled like...slightly sour milk and the floral baby detergent Xichen had bought. Nothing that special.

Cautiously, Meng Yao attempted a gentle joggle with his arms, then froze when those little fingers flexed and the baby made a noise, halfway between a snort and a grunt, but so tiny. How on earth did anything this tiny and helpless even exist? How was he allowed to hold something that had this much potential? This much importance? His father wouldn’t even let him touch his fountain pen at the office--how would he ever let Meng Yao hold his heir? “A-Yao, breathe,” Mingjue’s whisper was nearby and amused and when he looked up at him, Meng Yao saw his face was close, leaning down, hands braced on both arms of the chair. Blocking escape.

“I think you should take him back,” Meng Yao hurriedly whispered back. “I don’t think he likes me. He’s going to wake up and cry.”

Mingjue shrugged. “He might.”

Anxiety, old and choking, rose up in his throat like bile, like failure. “Then take him back.”

The asshole just raised his eyebrow. “No. If he does, it’s not the end of the world. Calm down, smell his head.”

“I can smell him just fine from here, I--”

“Smell his head, I’m telling you--”

“Mingjue--” he hissed, baring his teeth, instinctively looking over at the sleeping Xichen to be the tie breaker and peacemaker, but Mingjue just put the back of his fingers to Meng Yao’s cheek and (gently. Always gently.) pushed his face toward the tiny round head tucked to his shoulder.

Stiffly, he gave a grudging, perfunctory sniff, intending to follow the exact letter of the order and not the spirit, because if he was going to be forced--

Oh. Oh. What? Pressing his nose closer, he breathed in properly. What on earth...

His head did smell different from the old spit up and detergent. Warm and--and--almost sweet but not, somehow mild and calming? It felt familiar, even though it wasn’t. How was this unwinding something in his chest? Without intending to, he breathed out through his mouth in order to hastily draw in another breath, deep and slow. It smelled like... sleep and home and softness. Comfort. And he did have hair, actually--downy little fluff, close to the scalp, soft like velvet when he pressed his lips to it to take a third breath. How did the top of his head smell so good? Was it the baby soap they had used? No, it wasn’t, because he could smell traces of that, soapy and artificial. This was something completely organic that somehow exuded from his scalp?

Mingjue chuckled above his head and Meng Yao opened his eyes--that he didn’t even remember closing. He knew he should probably feel more annoyed at his partner’s smugness but the tension that had been humming through him seemed to have utterly bled away. “There, now, was that so hard?”

“What...is it?” he murmured against the baby’s head, unable to tear his nose away.

“Baby-head smell.”

“Baby-head smell?”

“Mm.”

“Do they--do they all smell like this?”

“More or less. It’s so we don’t eat them when they wake us up in the middle of the night, probably. Hormones and shit.”

“Has someone bottled this? Made it into a candle?” He whispered, affronted. “Is this known?” None of the early childhood development books he had read even alluded to the fact that baby heads apparently smelled like magic. “Does Xichen know?”

Mingjue snorted. “Of course you consider marketing. Yeah, most people who’ve handled babies know about the baby-head smell, so now you do, too. Instant stress relief.”

It was. It was like a drug, how instantaneously it worked. Meng Yao greedily breathed in again, cupping his tiny head closer to him. He could feel the thrum of his heart through his back against his forearms.

Mingjue huffed a fond laugh through his nose and smoothed his hand heavily down Meng Yao’s hair, swaying them both gently as one. “See? Not so scary. Now sit there and relax with baby. I’ll make us all dinner.”

Meng Yao could do that--and quite happily.

[sugar-petals]

Bts voice analysis anon here! I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to respond ❤ it made complete sense why yoongi is the deepest I kinda feel bad for him everytime he wants to sounds cheerful or speak in a way so people can hear him he strains his voice

lot to talk about, i’d like to expand on this. especially what his voice being the deepest means for bts’ songs. plus, where his undiscovered vocal talents are, and in what manner his voice will not strain.

that he’s very introverted contributes to what you say, but yoongi is certainly the odd one out voice-wise, such low baritones hardly sound upbeat. similar to how taehyung being the odd one out in the vocal line whose head voices are literal superpowers. i really respect him for singing with jin and jimin who can climb one octave higher than him, up to C#5! and with jk who has the best technique and breaks into the 6th octave if he goes on like that.

it’s very much like yoongi who probably has to mix their tracks back and forth to fit his parts with hobi (who is a tenor as a rapper! — very uncommon) and namjoon who raps in several modes. very low, very high, very impactfully. he’s the most full-bodied baritone in the group even if he’s only the third-deepest. the tone is just so rich. both hoseok and RM are extreme vocal chameleons on top of that. in speaking and in their music you can hear the difference to yoongi all the time. they don’t suddenly drop in pitch and they’re vocal acrobats.

hobi in particular, this guy can do anything. the sheer agility my god, he connects his registers. he can go up and down, impersonate and do a million effects, adlibs, you know the drill. it’s him who actually owns the “cheerful/loud and clear” brand you mention. which is good if not fantastic for yoongi’s production endeavours, the group mood, and how bts cannot be ignored — but tough for yoongi’s voice and comparison thinking, and when he tries to make a point in interviews. maybe it’s not bad that bts have to slow down sometimes to let yoongi speak, but his tone is drowned out (not intentionally of course) in other occasions and he wakes up hoarse often as we saw. which might sound hot, but it’s not good for him as you say.

to be clear. i wouldn’t chalk down his more monotonous and silent tone as a weakness, it’s just outside of bts’ other vocal variety. he makes up for it with speed and good lungs anyway. we just have to listen more closely to him in talks/episodes/conferences but i think he shouldn’t worry about it either or try to sound more enthusiastic, the fans love his soothing speech for its pure sake. he does change it regardless to be more poignant and blend in. it has pros and cons but it wears him out.

yoongi’s voice is under that strain not just in conversation but also in the studio if he wants to bring connection to the rap line parts instead of having 3 songs in 1. which usually ends up happening anyway. that’s also why the cyphers (!) switch genres mid-song so often: their voices are all strong in different registers! yoongi the lowest, joon midrange, and hoseok up high. 

that’s why cypher pt2 is a HUGE stunt and production masterpiece: hoseok’s part is tuned differently, then other instrumentals start with namjoon. and you can literally hear, okay alright a deep voice is coming! from there it just gets deeper and deeper until yoongi is just rapping over a bass guitar (every baritone’s best friend lmao!). god, please give yoongi a big bassline for his every part. “ugh” is the exact opposite: yoongi has to start too high and namjoon also has problems with the key, only hoseok can fully take off after 1:50 with perfect vocal stability. guess which song is autotuned: it’s not cypher pt2! a 3 in 1 song fuels the rapline in a way where they are most comfortable. it’s crazy how far apart they are among each other vocally and it has to be considered.

it’s a dilemma but also why bts’ rap line can tackle any song with at least one member suiting it. they complement each other, every register (except the rare whistle register, aka what mariah/ariana do) is covered. i think that contributed to bts’ fame, it’s so important. however usually, the song caters to hoseok since tenors are preferred in kpop music, or it caters to RM as he’s the central songwriting entity even if mind you, he always thinks about all the members and works closely with yoongi.

but even with joon’s support, it doesn’t work if yoongi is caught in his wish to be a tenor. we’ve seen how much the guy talks about wanting his range to become wider and how he even tried singing quite high for his standards on d-2. he goes as far as collabing only with sopranos to help him achieve that pitch. yoongi is invested to pretty much change his entire vocal type 🙁because the environment simps for high notes so bad (which is fair, falsetto is related to releasing certain happy hormones and highlights parts in songs, but still).

... he actually can’t, unless he wants to damage his throat. that’s the last thing we want. a listener can get the serotonin from a very deep voice equally if they got good taste.

thing is. you cannot morph yourself into a different vocal type and shift your range to the opposite of your comfort zone unless you’re whitney houston. even one in a million tenors like baekhyun can’t make themselves a baritone. his lowest notes are less clear no matter how hard he practices, even if his chest voice is almost operatic and his technique excels. meanwhile, chanyeol (who’s a lyric baritone and exo’s deepest voice) effortlessly hits them without (!!) that kind of decade-long training. have baekhyun or jimin been called bad singers for not being able to cover the other end of the spectrum? nope. so: why would yoongi be a bad vocalist who needs autotune. with lessons, oh man, he could do a lot and many things he dreams of. he has a very unique timbre and enough musical knowledge to do so.

so, we see the magic of your natural supported range. it’s simply given to you. imagine that: if you know you’re not a tenor, you could sort of outsing jungkook — obviously not by technique, but projection— as long as the song is tailored to you and the notes are low enough. yep, jk’s lower register is not extremely forward. each note is perfectly sung because he’s jk, but his power vocals are settled much higher. joon/tae/yoongi would sound much fuller with huge oomph in those lines. that’s where yoongi would be much more clear-sounding to us. a lot of baritone rappers in kpop would be damn good singers. 

that’s why it’s good how a lot of rappers produce solos on their own so they can try it out. 

you just have to respect that your range usually (not always) goes in one direction. once yoongi rightfully decides to abandon his high note fantasy and goes lower just for fun, we are not safe anymore lmao! exception for range: female singers have an advantage there. trained mezzo-sopranos have great access to the head voice and lower registers since they’re in the perfect middle of the scale. but the guys, forget it, even the baritenors. yoongi’s fullest voice will always be coming from a chesty depth and we love him for it. guy just needs to realize.

that’s why his real challenge is rather somehow tweaking the rap parts so his voice finds good resonance like in “혼술” or even “ddaeng”. where his voice is strong, relaxed, and full and flowing. ddaeng — “boy with luv”, too— is ironically in a very high pitch and again caters to hobi’s tone the most, but: yoongi just scales down to his own octave and it still fits, so — great key choice and musicality! and adaptation. it’s not easy to do. you can tell he plays piano.

he either becomes less easy on the ear or has to autotune himself entirely if he works against his voice. or: goes on a track way outside his supported range (dynamite, WOW). it’s a shame. “daechwita” and “agust d” are such a case: both go into the head voice where your resonance should show the most aka the chorus. there are aggressive belts/snarls/shouts that make more sense for higher, trained voices. yoongi is most famous for raps that are literally designed to fuck up his vocal cords 😷that he’s so skilled as a rapper prevents him from that to a degree, but it’s still not healthy. he adapts a lot to bts’ overall delivery but he doesn’t have to, in fact: he could go in the other direction and it would work even better.

the reason for the title track issue: they are the most energetic. in k-pop, energetic means amping up the pitch. and that’s probably a logical choice and a natural human association. if you make a baritone kpop track with a lot of energy, it probably becomes pretty creepy, uneasy, film noir. but i think that’s exactly yoongi’s thing: to unsettle and critique and rage. i think it could work out. lil nas x is a baritone pulling it off. he achieves energetic title tracks, he honors his vocal type well imo. his live singing is cool af, i need this so hard in the rap landscape. so, it’s not impossible to do.

the trick is probably setting everything to minor key. surprise... yoongi’s challenging title tracks are all in major key. boy with luv: minor key, interesting. the former are extremely difficult for him to do so hats off. “shadow” is more suitable for his baritone as is “burn it”. it needs a very heavy, dark track. which is why it’s good that yoongi has that kind of public image. a baritone’s best genre is not super light and whimsical. that’s why all of our baritone faves are not main vocalists but main rappers. kai, taehyung, jaehyun: low voices in vocal lines are soldiers.

---

now a note on yoongi’s best method of singing since it reflects his voice type and brings out the fullness of it. as in, how does it crack and strain less? guess why “사람” is yoongi’s favorite d-2 song to sing. it’s ALL his comfortable range and the singing — very beautifully done —  is in mixed register (= head + chest)! which imo might be his secret weapon. it allows him to do what he longs to do successfuly without going extremely high. bingo.

because: even with baritones, the golden middle is still important. they’re not as deep as a bass, after all. that’s why their voices are so honey-laced in the mixed range and it sounds amazing. heaven, their timbre sounds so seductive. so, it’s wonderful when they find their middle and dare to sing. 

i wish yoongi gets/makes more tracks aimed at just that. in “outro tear” he has to go both too low and too high so it takes a lot of production effort to patch it together. the rapline is doing god’s work to make all their voices sound cohesive without being trained singers. it’s always a trade-off and risk, an immense balance act. “paldogangsan” is hard on yoongi’s voice but works as a whole plus it caters to namjoon to carry the song’s message. the cyphers are chopped up and not chart-friendly but each member is in their comfort zone. 

PS: i said bts’ rap line covers all registers except one. i think that jin is the one to complete bts’ entire spectrum coming from the vocal line. i’m no whistle note expert but dionysus went pretty high up there, i think he might be able to do it. it’s very impressive, even jungkook and jimin probably don’t have access to that register. so, another point for bts being a very ‘complete’ group.

[dyaz-stories]

Screaming Color — A SessKagu One-Shot

“The rest of the world was black and white... but we were in screaming colors”

Tagging: @shinidamachu @sailorbabydoll92 @sweetchcolate @clearwillow @zelink-inukag @cstorm86 @digital-art-monster @danycontreras90 @redflamesofpassion @lost-amidst-the-stars​ @eternalnight8806-3 @desiree239 @keichanz @ashleys-canvas​ @mustardyellowsunshine​ @meggz0rz​ @contacting-u​ @ramen---boi​ @superpixie42​ @kazeinori​

Also available on Ao3 and ff.net.

Prom night. Balloons suspended around the school gym in a desperate attempt to make it look a little more dreamy, not-so-dazzling lights, the one mirrorball the school owned, which had probably been purchased at the peak of the disco era, considering its looks, glitter on the floor, and bad music. Girls dressed to the nines and boys, well, making an effort, at least. Smiles, heartbreak, epic highs and lows of teenage romance.

And, standing by the drinks table, bored out of her damn mind, Kagura Kaze, art teacher in her thirties, chaperoning.

To say this wasn’t Kagura’s dream night would have been a complete understatement. See, when Onigumo, the school director had approached her to give her that job, she had had a moment of hesitation. It had lasted a second, if not less, as memories flooded her mind. When she’d been in high school, she was way too cool for prom, so she had never experienced it, and it made her— it made her somewhat curious, you know? Made her want to know what all the fuss was about.

Of course, the thought quickly vanished from her mind. Obviously, she couldn’t experience it as a teenager again, and while it might have been fun back then, though she seriously doubted it, there was no way she would enjoy it even the tiniest bit now.

But because of her hesitation, she’d lost her way out, and that was how she found herself, well, here.

“I’m standing right here, Manten.”

The teenage boy seemed genuinely surprised to hear her talk, and almost dropped the bottle of alcohol he’d been about to pour in the punch that was available for all students to drink from.

“Yeah, I know, I just—”

He just hadn’t thought she’d say anything. She’d heard that a lot tonight, and she didn’t know whether to be flattered or offended. It definitely confirmed that she was the ‘cool teacher’, a title she’d earned because she was, by far, the best dressed teacher in school, because she actually had some renown in the art world and also because, if she dared to say so herself, she was an a-fucking-mazing teacher.

That would have come as a surprise to anyone, including her own self, just five years ago, when she’d gotten the job. She’d thought that would be the nail in the coffin of her creativity and of her already dying art career. She’d thought, and everyone around her agreed, that she would murder one of the young imbeciles she’d have to look after after just one day, and end up in jail, and if that didn’t happen, she would certainly die a long and boring death in the small high school of a small town, miles away from the city and everything she loved.

But, as it turned out, that had not been the case. She could, in fact, live without Starbucks, and she didn’t need to go shopping at high-end clothing stores every week-end.

Not that she could afford it these days.

As for teenagers, they were horrible, stupid, and hormonal, but some of them, sometimes, were also interesting. Those, she did her best to help. After all, Kagura liked talent. She took pride in her ability to spot it, even in its rawest form. She had thought it would make her bitter, to see these talented teenagers, with all their lives still ahead of themselves.

It didn’t. It just made her want to help them, and if that meant she had to do her damnedest to find scholarships they could apply to, well, she’d do that.

Other students didn’t complain about her class, either. It gave them an outlet for all sorts of emotions, and if there was one thing no one had ever said about her, it was that she was boring.

So it didn’t exactly surprise her, to hear that Manten had thought she’d let him spike the punch, but on the other hand— how did he dare? Did he really think she was that irresponsible? She wasn’t going to let teenagers get wasted on her watch.

“Give me the bottle, Manten,” she sighed, extending a perfectly manicured hand.

“But…”

“And tell your brother to come here and give me his,” she added, eyeing Hiten, who was watching the scene carefully, and who, of course, had sent his brother do his dirty job for him.

“Oh, Hiten would never—”

“You heard her, kid,” a deep voice growled from behind him. “Get it done.”

Manten immediately seemed to shrunk and disappear, which could have been a pretty funny sight, in different circumstances. The look Kagura gave to Inuyasha Taisho, P.E. teacher, was not amused.

“I was handling it,” she said dryly.

“Yeah, and I got it done faster.”

She had to resist the urge to snarl at him. Inuyasha was an alright person, but what an asshole he could be.

”Hey,” he said, clearing his throat awkwardly, clearly unaware of the less than charitable thoughts that were going through her mind, “you wouldn’t have happened to see—”

“I’ll tell you where she is if you get Miroku and Sango back from their break,” she interrupted him. “I want to take mine, and we need someone by this table.”

She didn’t add that they were probably making out. Miroku had taken two bottles she’d gotten from kids who also wanted to spike the punch — which showed that there was no coordination there and was very irresponsible of them, because what if they’d all succeeded, that would have been a disaster — and winked at her before leaving with the perpetually unimpressed Sango. Thinking back on it, she probably should have stopped him then and there.

She’d high-fived him instead.

“Sure,” Inuyasha shrugged, not realizing what he was probably opening himself to seeing. “So?”

“She took a group of lonely kids to the library.”

“Keh. Of course she would,” Inuyasha scoffed, but his dumb, soft smile betrayed his feelings. That was how he’d been tricked into being here tonight, too. Because, of course, ‘she’ had also volunteered to watch over the dance.

Another day, another time, Kagura would have loved to meddle in the slow-burn developing between him and the literature teacher, the lovely Kagome Higurashi, because they were so damn entertaining, definitely her favorite couple among the faculty, but if she stood there one minute longer, she was going to spontaneously combust or something.

“Good. I’m off.”

“Hey, wait a second—”

“Hiten, here!”

The teenage boy begrudgingly handed her a bottle of what she knew at a glance was a very, very nice wine. Those kids really had too much money and too little supervision for their own good, which wasn’t something she could fix. Wasn’t her job, either, but sometimes, it disappointed her a little. Gave her heart an unpleasant squeeze. Every year, how many of those kids graduated, about to jump headfirst into a shitty life that would never get better? How many of them had she failed?

That wasn’t something she ever thought about, before starting to work here. It wasn’t a pleasant thought by any means, but she didn’t hate it, either. It felt— needed. It felt like it was something she should have thought about before. Then maybe she could have made a difference sooner, maybe she would be doing a better job.

On the other hand, if she didn’t think about it, maybe she wouldn’t need a drink so bad right now.

“Mrs. Kaze,” a calm, even voice, called from behind her as she was just about to leave the gym, “may I ask where you are going?”

Kagura froze, closed her eyes a second, then turned around, a charming smile on her lips.

“I was just taking my break, Mr. Taisho,” she said, ignoring the way her heart was hammering in her chest, as it always did whenever she talked to him. “Care to join me?”

Sesshomaru Taisho rose an eyebrow at her offer, and she had to remind herself not to hold her breath waiting for an answer. She wasn’t one of the teenagers she was supposed to chaperone, dammit!

That was all his fault, by the way. He had no business looking this good. He hadn’t dressed up, exactly, but he was wearing a fitting white shirt, which underlined a nicely chiseled chest, and black pants, and that was enough to create the illusion. She knew, from the looks he was getting, that she wasn’t the only one feeling that way. His long white hair, which he usually tied into a ponytail, were falling over his broad shoulders, and she would have killed for that hair, but that wasn’t what got her attention.

No, she was entirely focused on his face. He had the type of face she would love to paint someday, and that was the first thing that had struck her about him, when she’d first met him. He was beautiful, sure, but beauty could be boring. With him, it wasn’t. It wasn’t just his sharp jaw, thin lips, straight nose and high cheekbones. He was much more than the sum of his parts, but Kagura was convinced that even without all of that, if she had met his golden eyes, if she had seen the intelligence behind it, she would have been irremediably lost, regardless of anything else.

Sesshomaru glanced behind him at Inuyasha, who was sullenly watching over the drink table where she’d abandoned him. The two of them were brothers, but you would never have guessed it from the way they acted with one another. There was a rather painful story behind that, which Kagura had heard from Miroku, but she knew better than to bring it up with the brothers, so she kept her mouth shut.

“I suppose I could,” he finally said. “Inuyasha knows better than to let Rin get in trouble.”

Another subject it was better not to speak on. Sesshomaru’s adopted daughter was the apple of his eye, and he was, perhaps, just a little overprotective. Some had tried to point it out to him, but they’d learned that he didn’t take kindly to comments on his parenting, something no one in school ignored, at this point.

Unfortunately — for herself —, Kagura had never been really good at not speaking her mind, and there was only so much she could hold back in one night, especially for the same guy.

“Rin’s perfectly capable of getting in and out of trouble if she chooses to. I doubt there’s much Inuyasha could do to stop her from doing that.” I doubt there’s much you could do to stop her from doing that.

Sesshomaru glared at her in silence for a few seconds, but that wasn’t nearly long enough for Kagura to regret speaking her mind.

“Why would Rin want to do that?” he finally asked.

“She’s sixteen,” Kagura shrugged. “She might want to… experiment.” Like with that Kohaku kid I’m positive you don’t know about. “Are you coming or what?”

Sesshomaru looked over his shoulder one last time, sighed deeply, then nodded. Kagura deemed to be an absolute win. He was by no means talkative, after all, and this conversation had gone well enough, considering who it was with.

“Let’s get to my room,” she said, tilting her head towards the door. “Yours is depressing.”

By that, she meant there was a plain, black board — because Sesshomaru refused to change it to a white one — and nothing else. Evenly spaced desks, one larger one for him, no books, no posters, no nothing.

“And yours is too full of useless things,” he replied, frowning ever so slightly. “You should throw them out as soon as you’ve finished that project.”

Kagura let out a horrified exclamation. She could never do that. She knew what it felt like, when someone threw out something you’d poured your heart into, and she didn’t see the need for her pupils to experience that just yet. Of course, she couldn’t keep everything, and at the end of the year, she did have to throw away things that were left, but it had never crossed her mind to do that during the year.

“My room,” she argued as the two of them walked through the silent hallways, “is pretty and the students are happy to come here. I doubt you can say the same thing.”

“I’ve never heard anyone complain.”

“That’s because they’re terrified of you!”

In the dimly lit hallways, she missed the half-smile that curved Sesshomaru’s lips while the two of them argued. Even if she’d seen it, she would probably have assumed she’d imagined it, and yet, it was there. Sesshomaru was enjoying himself.

With a frustrated sigh, she pushed the doors to her room and let him in, turning on the light to reveal a place she was genuinely proud of. On the walls hung finished products, on the tables, paintings were still drying, and on the shelves were the results of that time they had tried pottery. Inuyasha probably hadn’t been happy that she had used his ex’s contact information to find a teacher for that, but he hadn’t said anything about it.

He’d just hidden in the gymnasium all day.

“There,” she said, satisfied with the scene. Esthetically, maybe it wasn’t the most pleasing sight, but she could see all the efforts poured into this work. She knew what belonged to which student, by name. She knew which themes had felt the most personal to whom, she knew…

Ugh, she was getting all mushy now.

“Let’s drink,” she said, pulling out the two bottles she’d gotten off of Hiten and Manten earlier.

But Sesshomaru wasn’t listening to her. Instead, he stepped closer to one of the walls and examined it in silence. Kagura narrowed her eyes at him. What exactly was he… Ah.

“Fractals,” he said, a hint of surprise in his voice.

“Yeah, well, an assignment that was inspired by fractals,” Kagura said, rolling her eyes. She started tapping her fingernails on the wood of the desk she was sitting on. This was more embarrassing than she’d thought it would be. Not that she’d thought about it much, actually, otherwise she probably wouldn’t have done it. “Are we drinking or what?”

Sesshomaru looked at her over his shoulder.

“I do not think that is a very good idea. We need to look out for the students. We cannot do that drunk.”

Why did he have to be so reasonable all the time?

“Why fractals?”

Kagura pushed herself off the desk with a sigh and walked to his side.

“Well, I was looking into some geometrical things,” for no reasons whatsoever, “and I thought fractals were… an interesting theme. Most kids went for a mirror type of thing, but some took more interest in the snowflake shape and others on…” She sighed, but couldn’t quite contain her amused smile. “The Triforce, I guess.”

Sesshomaru watched her as she spoke. Kagura was always passionate about things. When she cared about things, it was obvious in her voice, in her attitude. Right now, her eyes shone as she examined her students’ project, her lips curved into a smile he knew she couldn’t quite control. She smirked, a lot, but she always looked like she was caught off-guard when she realized she was genuinely smiling.

“That isn’t a bad idea to get them interested,” Sesshomaru conceded, voice perhaps softer than it usually was. “To pick things they can— have fun making, I suppose.”

“Well, we don’t all have that luxury,” Kagura grinned, shooting him a wink. “You’d have trouble doing that, wouldn’t ya?”

Sesshomaru rose an eyebrow, and took a step towards her. Kagura tried to step back, only to realize her back was already against the wall. She swallowed as the tall, white-haired man leaned towards her, towering over her even though she was wearing high heels. Curse him and his stupid height…

“Is that a challenge, Kagura?” he asked, and God, his voice was doing all sorts of things to her.

She didn’t think he’d used her name before. She found she quite liked it.

“Might be,” she replied, lifting her chin defiantly. “I’m pretty sure even if you tried, you couldn’t get your students interested.”

Something dark briefly lit up in his golden eyes, and Sesshomaru sighed.

“You’re an impossible woman,” he said, possibly for himself more than for her.

“Yeah, I kind of pride myself on—”

Sesshomaru kissed her. At first, it felt brusque, his lips crashing against hers but remaining immobile, his body so completely tense against hers.

Kagura reacted immediately. She didn’t try to understand it, didn’t stop to consider whether or not that was a good idea. Before she could have any form of cohesive thoughts, she was pushing herself against him, her hands were in his hair as she pulled him down against her. If that took him by surprise, he didn’t show it. In a second, he’d pulled her away from the wall and lifted her onto a desk, where she promptly wrapped her legs around his waist.

She’d thought about this for years, wondered of what he’d taste like, how his body would feel against hers. His warmth, seeping through his clothes, was almost surprising, opposed to his  usual cold demeanor. His large hands, his long fingers, moved slowly, up her legs, then on her waist, as he took his time to discover her body. It was the clash of her passion, her impatience, and his slow deliberateness.

When he pulled away from her, she let out an annoyed whimper, but didn’t try to hold him back. Instead, she took in the sight of him in that moment, and it made her smirk. She liked the way he looked right now. Disheveled, shirt all creased,  tie half-undone, hair a mess. She liked the way his lips parted as he tried to steady his breathing. She knew that in a second, he would look as tidy as ever, but for now, she enjoyed a sight she doubted many people has set their eyes on before.

He cleared his throat and averted his eyes, and her smile widened. It only lasted a second before he did compose himself again, and when he looked back at her, it was gone.

“I think it’s time we go back. Shall we?” he asked, offering her his hand.

Kagura took it and jumped from the desk, quickly smoothing out her skirt. It wasn’t her first rodeo, and she knew she could make herself look perfectly presentable before she walked back into the gym.

“You should give that back to Hiten’s parents,” Sesshomaru added, pointing at the bottles she’d abandoned by the door. “He probably took it from them.”

She rolled her eyes. He just had to know everything better than everyone else, didn’t he? Fine. She would. Because, of course, it was the right, smart thing to do. It was just very annoying. Ugh. The things she was doing because she liked him…

She grabbed his tie and took to straightening it, and he went very quiet. His face didn’t express any emotion, but he didn’t have to for her to be able to read him. Pulling him forward, she planted a quick kiss on his lips.

“Watch out, professor,” she whispered huskily, “you have some lipstick there.”

Then she took a step back, winked at him, and disappeared through the door.

Sesshomaru spent long seconds there, regaining control of his breathing. He couldn’t explain to himself what was different about Kagura. Everything about her was fascinating. The way she moved, the way she talked, the was she smiled. She brought color to his mostly dull, black and white world, something only his adopted daughter had been able to do before. He had never really considered acting on — whatever it was he was feeling, until tonight.

Now he couldn’t stop thinking about when to do it again.

It was a shame the year was ending, but they’d both still be here for the next one. At the thought, his lips curved into a smile.

He would be looking forward to it.

Hiii, thanks for reading! I’m tentatively coming back on Tumblr so you might see more of me in the next days. I don’t think I’ll be engaging with any content from the sequel, at least for the time being though. Hope you enjoyed this piece I wrote while I was gone!

[uncloseted]

I hope to be better one day. I believe in only two genders because I believe science doesn’t care about your feelings and I feel trans people are really attention seeking and always seeking validation always need to be included always need to be reminding people. I was born female and I’m not always included in everything and I don’t turn around and call people sexist and transphobic, sometimes u get left out cos that’s called life. I’ve tried changing I cant. I just keep my opinion to myself and just agree publicly with what others say. I know I am not a bad person but just wonder what it is that I don’t get it, I honestly think this is just me.

Against my better judgement, I'm going to answer this ask. I'm not entirely convinced it's a question that's in good faith, and the fact that this ask is in my inbox at all suggests to me that you didn't really engage with the nearly 4,000 words I've already dedicated to this subject, so I don't know how much I'll be able to add to your thinking here. But I know a lot of people do genuinely have these questions or questions like these, and so I think it's important to take them seriously for anyone else who might read this answer. If you really hope to "be better" or to change your views, anon, maybe you'll get something from this, too.

Science Doesn't Care About Your Feelings

So, you start by saying that you "believe in only two genders because [you] believe science doesn’t care about your feelings". What exactly do you mean by this? Maybe science doesn't care about your feelings, but science also doesn't support the assertion that there are only two genders. The scientific community is in agreement that trans people exist. The scientific community created the term "gender dysphoria", and it appears as a medical diagnosis both in the DSM-5 and ICD-10 (and will appear in the ICD-11). The scientific community supports the use of medical and social transition to alleviate the stress and discomfort that trans people experience. The scientific community views social and medical transition as an important tool to reduce the number of trans people who will die by suicide. None of those positions are based on "feelings". They're based on scientific fact- on findings that are testable, observable, repeatable, universal, and measurable. If you want to dig into the scientific research that has been done on trans identities we can, but I have a feeling that's not really where you were going when you said "science doesn't care about your feelings."

Are you talking about "gender essentialism", where your gender is defined only by the sexual characteristics you have? In your previous ask, you yourself seemed to me to be unconvinced by biological essentialism. Are we just arguing over the proper use of the words, "sex" and "gender"? Science views sex and gender are fundamentally separate concepts that are often linked. For example, the World Health Organization, an international, scientific agency of the United Nations, says that, '[g]ender' refers to the socially constructed roles, behaviours, activities, and attributes that a given society considers appropriate for men and women" and that "'masculine' and 'feminine' are gender categories." The FDA, a federal, scientific agency of the US government, uses "sex" as a biological classification and defines "gender" as, "a person's self representation as male or female, or how that person is responded to by social institutions based on the individual's gender presentation."

But even if you were to take gender essentialism to be fact (and to be clear, I don't think we should), the idea that there are "two genders" is still incorrect. As many as 1.7% of people have at least one intersex trait, and there are many more who don't have all the sex characteristics we associate with being "a boy" or "a girl". As I mentioned in my previous post, some girls don’t have a menstrual cycle (due to menopause, hormonal birth control, low body weight, PCOS, etc), but they’re still "biological girls". Some girls don’t have a uterus (for example, if they’ve had a hysterectomy), but they’re still "biological girls". Some girls never develop breasts, but they’re still "biological girls". If you take gender essentialism to be fact, what is your definition of "a biological girl" or "a biological boy"? Could trans people who have transitioned be considered, perhaps, "a biological girl" or "a biological boy"? Why not? And where do intersex people fit into that paradigm? Would they, perhaps, be a third gender, if we take gender essentialism to be fact? And if not, why do intersex people get to be "a biological girl" or "a biological boy", but post-medical transition trans people don't?

Finally, there are very much times where science cares about your feelings. The entire scientific field of psychology is dedicated to caring about people's feelings and understanding what they mean. So is cognitive science, and psychiatry, and frequently, neuroscience. Behavioral economics and linguistics care about your feelings. Even the field of artificial intelligence and human/computer interaction cares about feelings. Feelings aren't a bad thing. They can help us to understand ourselves and others, and to create systems that work better for everyone. Feelings prompt us to ask the right questions so that science can answer them with facts. In this case, the feelings of gender dysphoria that trans people feel and a feeling of curiosity on the part of scientists led to scientific research about gender dysphoria and the development of scientifically supported treatments to alleviate that gender dysphoria.

Trans People Are Really Attention Seeking

"Trans people are really attention seeking and always seeking validation always need to be included always need to be reminding people" feels like a strawman argument to me. It's just something that can't really be proven or disproven. It's a feeling that you have, but not a scientific fact.

I think it's also an example of a "relevant logical fallacy", or what's more colloquially known as a "toupee fallacy." The toupee fallacy is a type of selection bias where a negative trait is obvious but neutral traits are not. Its nickname comes from the phrase, "all toupées look fake; I've never seen one that I couldn't tell was fake," which is an example of this fallacy. You've never seen a toupee that you can't tell was fake because you assume the ones that look real are just natural hair. The same applies to trans people. If a trans person passes, you may not know (or notice) that they're trans at all. Or if a trans person "acts normal", you may not notice because you're only looking for "toupees"- trans people who are, in your view, "acting inappropriately".

Which brings me to my second point, that this is also an example of the Baader-Meinhof (or "frequency" phenomenon. This is a phenomenon where, after you notice something for the first time, there's a tendency to notice it more often, especially if it's something that makes you react emotionally. Maybe it's not true that all "trans people are really attention seeking and always seeking validation always need to be included always need to be reminding people." Maybe it's that you're noticing it more frequently because it bothers you when this occurs, but you're not noticing all of the trans people who are just quietly living their lives.

Finally, I suspect that if we were more inclusive as a society, trans people would have to talk about their transness less frequently. If people are consistently calling trans people by their deadname or using incorrect pronouns for them, of course they're going to always be reminding people that they're trans. If people are consistently excluding them, of course they're going to be seeking inclusion. This is anecdotal, but one of my best friends is trans, and she never really talks about it unless it's directly relevant. And I think she can do that because she's always respected, included, and just generally treated like "one of the girls" (because she is just one of the girls). I said this in my last post, but I think it bears repeating- the people who are most insistent on their identity being respected tend to be the people who have been the most hurt by people not respecting who they are. Being insistent about who they are is the only way they feel they can be recognized or seen. They're operating from a place of pain. And isn't that sad more than it is annoying? It certainly is to me.

But even if we accept the (incorrect) premise that "trans people are really attention seeking and always seeking validation always need to be included always need to be reminding people".... so what? Does being attention seeking and validation seeking mean that a person's rights should be taken away from them? Because if it does, a whole lot of Instagram influencers are about to lose their rights. Does wanting to be included mean you should be ostracized from society? I think we all want to be included in one way or another. We all want to be part of a community that's bigger than we are. Does always reminding people of you are warrant people rejecting your identity? If you believe that, you should never correct that one person you know who always gets your name wrong and just accept that that's your new name now. You don't have to like people who you find annoying, but you can't just take away their rights or deny them rights because of it.

I Was Born Female and I'm Not Always Included

"I was born female and I’m not always included in everything and I don’t turn around and call people sexist and transphobic, sometimes u get left out cos that’s called life." Isn't that a bad thing, though? Don't you want to be included in spaces that you're excluded from right now? Don't you want people to be less sexist towards you? Don't you want the same rights that men have? I certainly do, and I think it's important to fight for those rights. It sucks to be left out, but more importantly, it's damaging to be left out. Being excluded from spaces has very tangible financial impacts on people, even if you don't care about the very real emotional impact it has. I don't want that exclusion to happen to me, and I don't want that to happen to the next generation of girls. Whatever I can do to make sure that stops, I'm going to do it. And yes, that includes calling people out on sexist behavior. It sucks to have to do that work, but if we don't advocate for ourselves, nobody will advocate for us. And I'm lucky that I'm in a position where I can try to be an ally to the trans community and use some of the privilege I have as a cis person to fight for them so they don't have to do it all themselves. I know how much I would love for men to use their privilege to advocate for women in spaces where we can't, and I hope I can do that for trans people in spaces where they can't advocate for themselves.

Final Thoughts

So once again, this brings me to my final thoughts, and a few questions I would encourage you to think about. What are you really worried about here? Are you worried that including trans women in women's spaces will make it more difficult to talk about issues that people with female sex characteristics face? Are you worried that trans people will center themselves in those discussions? Are you worried that cis men will masquerade as trans women to infiltrate women's spaces with nefarious intent? Are you worried that you'll say something wrong or offend someone? Are you worried that including trans women in women's issues will set women back in terms of the progress we've made? Is it a general discomfort with societal change?

Once you understand where your emotions are stemming from, then you'll be able to address them in a meaningful way. I don't think that "this is just [you]" or that you "can't change". But I do think it will be hard to change your view until you know the reasoning- might we even say... the feeling? - behind your views. You're not coming at this from a rational, emotionless, scientific perspective, and that's okay. But that means that, despite my best efforts, I probably won't be able to debate you into changing those feelings. Only you know where those feelings are coming from, and only you can choose to change them. I think you can "be better one day", but you have to choose that for yourself.

Extra Credit

If you're interested in digging further into this topic (or if you're looking for a fun and educational way to spend thirty minutes), I recommend the ContraPoints video "Pronouns":

It absolutely will not dissuade you of the notion that trans people are attention seeking, because Natalie is, at her core, a fabulous performer who uses elaborate aesthetics and sarcasm to illustrate her points and to make her philosophy lectures more fun. But it does directly argue against Ben "facts don't care about your feelings" Shapiro in a rational, logical way. It delves into a lot of the topics I was talking about the other day and also a lot of the topics you bring up in this ask. Natalie even talks herself about how the polite, easy thing to do is call someone by their preferred pronouns, but that she wants to truly understand why people use the preferred pronouns they do instead of defaulting to them because it's "dogmatically the woke thing to do". In my opinion, it's a good video, but even if you don't end up agreeing, it's not that long, so try it out anyway.

[365days365movies]

February 18, 2021: The Danish Girl (2015) (Part 1)

The list of movies I’ve seen is a little...limited.

And I mean in general, not just this month. Now, don’t get me wrong: I’ve seen a FUCKTON of movies, to say it lightly. But in terms of the diversity of films I’ve seen...it could use some updating, I’m not gonna lie. So, because of that, I haven’t seen too many LGBT focused films, which is one of the reasons I wanted to add them this month. 

So I REALLY haven’t seen films that prominently feature transgender people, and Ace Ventura pretty obviously shouldn’t count for various reasons. But I have seen one major one, which I think has been recently somewhat forgotten. Which is a shame, because I actually really liked it!

Tangerine, directed by Sean Baker, is a comedy drama film about two transgender women who are sex workers on the Hollywood strip, and it’s a look at a few days in their lives. It’s all shot on an iPhone camera (yes, really), and yeah, I really did like this movie! Saw it in theaters in early 2015, when it came out, and around the time I was starting to diversify my tastes, movie-wise.

Look, all of this is me saying that this project of mine is an attempt to watch more films, and to expose myself to new and different perspectives. So, even though this is the only transgender-related film on my list (yeah, sorry about that), there will be more in the future, I promise. If you have any good ones that fit into other genres, and that I should’ve seen by now, let me know! I’m definitely interested. Anyway, with that said: The Danish Girl.

Directed by Tom Hooper, who...wait. Tom Hooper? Like, this guy?

Neat! That movie wasn’t bad, as musical adaptations go. Had its issues, but for Hooper’s biggest and most recent musical, that’s a good staAAAAAAAAH

OH FUCK I FORGOT ABOUT CATS

...Ahem. Well, other than that movie that I saw in theaters NOT A JOKE I SWEAR TO GOD, Hooper’s 2015 biographical film about real-life transgender person Lili Elbe made quite the critical smash when it came out, and was considered (and won) several awards, including some Oscars. So, I’m looking forward to seeing this one! As long as there’s no James Corden and Rebel Wilson in it...or the mice...

...

...SPOILERS AHEAD!!!

Recap

Einar Wegener (Eddie Redmayne) is a newly successful landscape artist in Copenhagen, in 1926. His wife, Gerda Wegener (Alicia Wegener), is a portrait painter, although obviously a bit stifled by gender politics of the time. The two are pretty obviously very much in love.

Einar goes to visit Ulla Paulson (Amber Heard, and we’re not gonna get into THAT massive-ass controversy, NO SIIIIIIIIR), a ballerina and a prospective godmother to any future children. 

At a portrait painting with a seemingly VERY uncomfortable gentleman, Gerda does some musing on the female gaze vs. the male gaze, and dude is FRAZZLED. Also some talk about submission going on there, so THAT’S interesting. These portraits are viewed by a gallery owner, Rasmussen (Adrian Schiller), who believes that portraits aren’t her forte, and she needs to find another subject matter.

That makes her understandably upset, and she takes it out on Einar when she comes home. This is made far worse by the fact that the two are trying to get pregnant, but that doesn’t seem to be working either. Despite this, she asks for Einar’s help with a portrait of Ulla, and needs him to put on her stockings, shoes, and dress in order to pose for the painting. And that’s when the first realization hits.

As he starts to realize something (which he obviously can’t quite place), Ulla arrives and hands him a bouquet of flowers, joking that they’ll call her “Lily.” He brushes this aside...mostly, I assume. That night, Einar comments on Ulla’s new night garments, and the two embrace lovingly. Still, though, you can tell that Einar’s percolating.

At a party that Ulla’s throwing, there’s a mostly ironic discussion about Gerda dressing provocatively by showing off her ankles. And yeah, it’s meant to be a joke, but the fact that they’re making a joke in this movie that I would 100% make in real life is so delightfully meta to me, and I love it.

That night, after some more sexy, sexy ankle talk, and THAT leads to the revelation that Einar is wearing the new undergarments of Gerda’s. And, to my EVERLASTING surprise and delight, Gerda’s TOTALLY COOL with this, and the two make love. Afterwards, Gerda draws Einar in a more feminine state, which Einar quite likes.

Two two speak about another upcoming party, Ulla’s Artist’s Ball, to which Einar doesn’t want to attend, as...they...feel like they’re forced to perform as themselves. Gerda half-jokes about going as someone else, and while that’s not really an option they’re considering, the two do begin to craft a separate female identity for Einar, with makeup and clothes, as well as lessons on more feminine behaviors.

Einar, as Lili, accompanies Gerda to the Artist’s Ball. It’s very awkward at first, but that changes with the introduction of Henrik Sandahl (Ben Whishaw), who’s immediately attracted to...well, “Lili.” I’ll explain the quotes in a minute, I PROMISE. “Lili” first rejects his advances, but then...HOLY SHIT, they kiss. And Gerda sees this, and it understandably goddamn upset.

The next day, the fallout comes, and Gerda and Einar have a discussion about the kiss, and Gerda says that Lili shouldn’t “visit” anymore. However, Einar’s not as certain of that even being a possibility.

That seems to be further confirmed by the obvious strain Einar is feeling afterwards, and in a frantic rush, he heads to a studio that they use and looks at himself in the mirror. And as Einar examines himself in the mirror...I think this is the right time to explain the quotes from earlier.

See, here’s the thing: up until this point, both Gerda and Einar thought of this as a lark and a curiosity, respectively. But now, in the mirror, Einar’s realized that it’s something far more than that, as has Gerda. And it’s at this point that it’s time to switch names and pronouns, at least to they/them. Because up until now, I don’t believe that they truly understood themselves.

And now they’re starting to. Hasn’t outright said it, yet, but the mirror scene seems to cement it for me. In the meantime, Gerda also seems to realize it, subconsciously at least, as she completes one of the portraits that she drew of Lili. She brings this to the art dealer from earlier, and he surprisingly takes it!

But Lili’s doing something...less than totally OK, as she goes to meet Henrik, who continues to show attraction towards her. A self-confessed romantic, he happily lets her into his place, but I’m not certain whether or not he’s aware of the full situation.

Whether he is or isn’t, it doesn’t quite matter, as he wants to go further in their relationship physically, with Lili is NOT ready for. She goes home, where Gerda finds her, surprised. Lily admits everything, and while knowledge of the affair hurts Gerda significantly (GODDAMN IT MOVIES STOP THE INFIDELITY), another revelation emerges which is more important.

See, Lili and Einar seem to be dissociating, as Einar is now assigning Lili’s feelings to a separate person, and is essentially dissociating. These feelings include a past childhood kiss shared with a boy names Hans, which are now associated with Lili. But as all of this is coming to light, Einar suddenly collapses.

Einar goes to see a doctor, Jens Hexler (Pip Torrens), who believes that it’s all caused by a chemical imbalance, and decides to treat it with...radiation. That...that can’t have actually been a treatment for “chemical imbalance”, right? I mean, it’s certainly fitting with the time, but this would DEFINITELY make hormone problems and infertility WORSE, not better.

But despite this, Einar and Gerda go through with this (almost certainly didn’t happen) treatment, after which Einar says that the doctor “hurt Lili.” Deemed unsuccessful, the doctor calls Einar insane, and leaves them and Gerda, who are both upset. And that’s not made better by the fact that the doctor has reported them, and someone will take Einar to the asylum...unless they leave.

Good thing, then, that Gerda’s been asked to exhibit the paintings of Lili in Paris! They get the FUCK out of Copenhagen, and head to Paris. But with all of this, Einar’s beginning to unravel, losing even the painting side of themselves, as their relationship with Gerda also begins to change.

And I think that it’s at a Paris peepshow that Einar officially assumes the role of Lili in her own mind. So, I’m going to end the first part with the following statement:

Her name is Lili, and I’ll be referring to her as she/her from here on out. See you in Part 2!

[a-woman-apart]

Watch "I'M BACK! WHY I LEFT YOUTUBE FOR TWO YEARS!" on YouTube

This scared me so badly, because this is EXACTLY what happened in my life, except it was all in The Reverse.

I graduated with an Associate Degree in Music Performance in 2018, but instead of running TOWARDS my dream/calling I ran hardcore AWAY from it. My pride in graduating only lasted a month before I declared myself Utterly Unmarketable and sought to go after a "real degree" and get a Big Girl career.

Between 2018 and 2020 I had major life changes.

My dad died of stomach cancer

I broke up with my neglectful boyfriend

I turned down a Full Ride to a major college

I hospitalized myself for Suicidal Ideation (Sept 2019)

I quit my job of 5 years

I started working for my best friend and became her Office Manager

I started dating the Love of my Life

I lost my friend group and peer support

I lost my mind and left college due to COVID-19 (but not before making one of my best decisions in taking a Screenwriting class because I WANTED not NEEDED it)

Started distancing myself from the toxic women in my life and definining Womanhood/Adulthood for myself

Visited my brother's grave after over a decade of waiting and got closure

Fully acknowledged my childhood trauma/abuse

Rediscovered my sexuality

Was disowned by who I erroneously thought was a close friend of 17 years over my political views

Joined and exited Unity2020

Turned in my car for repossession

Spent a week in the hospital after having a severe, paranoid psychotic break, but came out completely free of the vice of self-consciousness I was living under

You know what is nuts? I feel in many ways, I have completely reverted to who I was in the summer of 2011. I was off my meds, and it WAS mania, but personality-wise, the tempestuous, gum-chewing, cigarette-puffing, flirtatious, humorous, free-spirited ball of fire that drove all the way to Colorado on a whim wasn't rebellious, SHE WAS ME.

I just wasn't Me around the right people, and it wasn't the Right Time.

My inner Sagittarius moon would remain in a dormant state for almost a full decade. I would spend the next 9 years heavily sedated, sleepwalking through life, only alive at The Sound of Music.

It was Torture to feel so much but be afraid to express myself. I had to Hide while doing a major that demanded that I Command Attention. I am by nature "dramatic", "theatrical", "emotional", "expressive" but that part of me was so suppresed that I was frequently told I sang with excellence but without emotion.

Aside: During my 2011 manic episode, I spoke a lot about Doppelgangers. Without going into excessive detail, this is a German word that means "Double" and it is considered bad luck to encounter yours.

In the past 2 weeks, I have encountered people that look/sound like me (Josephine is Nigerian-Canadian and I am Nigerian-American and I kept thinking about her work even though I initially disagreed with her lot) and a woman with my name (different spelling) who was NOTHING like me and I also think might've had malice in mind for me.

I was DEFINITELY an agnostic atheist when I started this year, but as a result of undergoing so much weird shit I almost certainly believe in God, and yes, "God is a Woman." (More on that later)

Also, I realized that I really DID, as many teenage girls, "lose interest in math and science" but that was because of the terrible, unfactual way it was presented in my homeschool curriculum and by my mom, who was a Math major but whose disinterested detachment made every algebra lesson an excercise in torture.

I have always loved biolology and anatomy and I remember so much more chemistry than I thought. Geology class in community college was amazing and also helped me understand-- even more than the Theory of Evolution-- why young earth creationism was completely impossible.

As for math, I spent 15 years thinking it was my greatest weakness when I have had to use arithmetic in cashiering, my managerial work, and my monthly budget for the last 7 years. Also, as annoying as it was to hear constantly, my mom parroting "What you have to do to one side, you have to do to the other" (but in reverse) gave me the ability to do Algebra quickly and (mostly) effortlessly. I could never get A's, but I got a B in Quantitative Mathematics with no real help aside from occasional teacher input and the "Help me solve this" function of MyMathLab.

Here is where it Gets Weird. I am a Creative. I have been writing stories since I was 6 years old. I have loved Story all my life. My parents were in math and science fields and they completely lacked any creativity. COMPLETELY. It was part of why they were so religiously rigid, authoritarian, and draconian. There was no room for spontaneity or childish imaginativeness.

Looking back, I had major sensory and processing issues. I was likely speech delayed, I learned to read late, and I recently confirmed that when I am stressed my dyscalculia kicks in bad (it IS real). Numbers and symbols get really interchangeable (like an 8 and infinity symbol become kinda the same) which is why I had to recite phone numbers out loud to remember them or write them on colorful backgrounds so I can see them in my head as an image. Also explains my aversion to math but my ease with fractions (1/2 is half a sandwich, etc).

My spatial awareness is also shit when stressed. Before I turned in our car, I had earned the nickname "U-turn" from my boyfriend because on that Floating Death Machine left and right got completely crossed, frequently.

By the way, I struggled with right and left until I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD. I literally didn't understand the concept of a mirror and 3D space, meaning that the basic understanding that my right is someone else's left didn't come into play until I had an argument with my [now-deceased] brother about it.

What is so weird, is that because of years of correcting for these issues, my sense of direction, ON FOOT is good, if not better than most people. Also, once I realized that, given the opportunity, I very much do whatever I can with my left-hand, and that my hearing is MUCH better than I even thought, I am far less clumsy. Depth perception is still crap, but that is probably also because I was forced to spend years without the glasses I needed (and got earlier this year after living with chronic eye strain)

When I talk about these "issues" it is in line with female autism, but you know what? If really do have adult autism, then I am a Complete Boss because I have pwned that ho.

After being rehospitalized, a kind nurse suggested I may have PTSD and suggested medicine for insomnia and nightmares. It was extremely helpful. I had been looking into C-PTSD for a while, because I didn't think I had "suffered enough" to have "real" PTSD. But that isn't how diagnoses work.

Btw, I still have Bipolar I, Psychotic Features. Another kind nurse told me I don't need anti-psychotics, and no, I don't. I was given Zyprexa by a bitch nurse and it was like getting drunk. I stumbled the halls, almost fell over (possibly did) and woke up with a neon "Fall Risk" bracelet. Anti-psychotics also fucked up my menstrual cycle for years and I have had lingering hormonal isssues. Haha no thanks.

Anyway, I digress. Of course I am fucked up. I lived under family members who questioned my reality, attempted to crush my dreams, threatened me with physical punishment any time I behaved in non-neurotypical ways, violated my rights and interfered with my treatment even though I was a full legal adult, undermined my relationships, tortured and socially isolated me, etc., all under the guise "of knowing best."

In minority cultures, our darkness hides in plain sight, and ESPECIALLY in the Bible Belt, with its supeestition and idolization of familial hierarchy/patriarchy, victims of financial, spiritual, emotional, and physical abuse have no where safe to turn. The Long Arm of the Law is often Short when it comes to "breaking up the family", and women and children are victimized openly with little to no intervention.

On top of doing my Creative Work, I plan to create legislation to make sure that what happened to me and my siblings isn't allowed to go unpunished. We lost my older brother, and I almost died, too, but Enough is Enough.

The Time is Now.

P.S. If Josephine is an Air Nomad I identify as a Water Bender. I basically have no water in my astrological chart, but water signs bring me great comfort in times of need (and make bad romantic partners for me obviously)

Also, this is one Bad Biyatch.

I also found out I am an ISFJ, not INFJ. Yep. Gonna be a Playwright and Director. I want to be a part of the action, not just writing about it.

[eddieeatsass]

7 and 21 for reddie😎 only if you want to❤️

Sex Magic/Sex Pollen + Blind Date from this prompt list

This combo was so interesting, it really made me wrack my brain to figure out how to meld these two concepts together. My friend Jack actually helped me come up with this idea, so thank you for making us both push the limits of our imagination!

Read On AO3

The System had been in place for nearly a decade; the population’s first ever completely computerized dating process. A computer took in all of your data, scanning your life history, your future goals, your medical status, as well as having each client fill out a ten page questionnaire. All of that information was then used to narrow down everyone in their database, giving you your most compatible mate.

There were two experiences you could choose from; The Classic, which involved a regular blind date, and The Neo, which ended with the release of their patented pheromone gas. Clients who chose the later would get to experience the sensuality and intimacy that usually resulted at the end of a successful date. Clients were able to opt out at any time during the date, if they decide they do not want to go through with the final step. Despite that, however, the public still argued about the morality of the consent issues that could arise from this practice.

Because of this outrage over the program, The Neo got used less and less over time. What was once new and exciting had now taken a back seat to The Classic.

Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak were two of The Neo’s first clients in months. Of course, the company couldn’t tell them that they’d only been paired together because they were the only two participants available, so instead, Richie and Eddie went into a blind date expecting to find their computer generated soul-mate.

It was a bright, sunny Friday afternoon when Eddie approached the dating center. He was welcomed warmly, and after reading through and signing all of the consent forms and legal documents, he was lead to a room. The building he’d arrived at was nice, the lobby had been decorated in a way that reminded its clients of why they were there; to find love. However, the room Eddie found himself in was starkly opposite.

It felt like he’d walked into a hospital. Everything was white, and the air smelt of disinfectant poorly concealed with the artificial smell of roses. In the middle of the room was a small square table, already set up with a table cloth, a candle, and two plates of pasta that couldn’t possibly be fresh. To the side there was a bed, barely big enough to fit two people but obvious in its purpose. Eddie was just considering bailing on this whole thing when he heard the door open behind him.

He turned to see a tall man stumbling in, eyes darting around the room before settling on Eddie. He was accompanied by the same worker who had brought Eddie in moments ago, but she quickly left with a curt nod, shutting the door behind them.

The two men stared at each other for one very long, very awkward moment, before the taller man took the lead.

“Hi, I’m Richie, you’re soul-mate, apparently.” Richie stuck his hand out towards Eddie, a charming but shy smile revealing a set of slightly buck teeth.

Eddie grasped his hand, shaking it timidly before deciding Richie was decently attractive. Definitely the type of guy Eddie would try and pick up at a bar. He was pleased with the introduction so far.

“I’m Eddie-” His voice was abruptly cut off by the crackle of a speaker.

“You’ve got thirty minutes before the gas will be emitted. If at any point before that you wish to end the date, you may discreetly press the button beneath the table, at which point one of our staff will be in to get you. Thank you for choosing The System as your dating course of choice. Good luck at your happily ever after.”

The voice was monotone, the disclaimer obviously rehearsed and recycled for every new date they supervised.

Eddie was quick to stifle his giggle, finding the contrast between the person’s lack of enthusiasm and the idea of finding your one true soul-mate hilarious, but unsure of how Richie would take it.

Surprisingly, Richie laughed unabashedly.

“Wow, with an introduction like that, how could we not be excited.”

Eddie let his giggle bubble up, soothed by the knowledge that Richie thought this experiment was turning out just as ridiculous as he did.

“Do you wanna see how terrible the food tastes?” Eddie asked.

“Eddie, my dear, nothing would make me happier.”

The food was awful, but that much shouldn’t be a surprise. This was a dating service, after-all, not a restaurant. The meals were probably made in giant batches, left to sit out all day and only being stirred or re-heated when necessary.

They poked at their pasta more than ate it, focusing instead on the conversation that seemed to flow freely between them. So far, Eddie had found out that Richie had recently moved to the city, was an only child but had a friend named Stan who he considered a brother, was trying to become an actor, and had a pet turtle.

“So, Eddie spaghetti,” Richie said, pointing towards the neglected spaghetti with his fork and a self-satisfied smile. “What led you to sign up for this romantic excursion?”

There it was, the question Eddie had been dreading. He knew it was going to come up, but hadn’t quite figured out a way to explain without coming across as lonely and desperate.

The truth was Eddie had gotten to a turning-point in his life very recently, where he’d had to choose between his own happiness and the happiness of others. After years of letting his mother dictate his life, choosing his school, his career, his partner, his sexuality, he’d had enough. But how could he sum that all up without Richie thinking he was a loser?

“Uhm, I came out recently…” Eddie chose that route; not quite a lie, but not the whole truth.

“Hey, congratulations!” Richie cheered, clinking his glass of water with Eddie’s before taking a sip. The action caused Eddie to startle, unfamiliar with someone congratulating him on, well, anything.

“So, you thought this might be the best way to find that special man?” Richie winked, gesturing at himself comically.

Eddie nodded, a small smile secured across his features.

“What about you?” He asked, eager to turn the attention away from himself.

Richie raised his eyebrows, as if he hadn’t been expecting the question to be turned around on him.

“Oh, uh, well my friends signed me up for this actually.” Richie rubbed the back of his neck. “But, well I guess it’s because I’ve been moping around for the past few months. Bad breakup and all that, you know. They must have decided it was time to get me back out there, and thus, here I am.” Richie gestured to the room around them, bringing their attention back to the bed that sat tauntingly in the corner.

“Apparently sex is part of getting me back out there.” Richie added, trying to make a joke out of an awkward moment.

Eddie smiled a little sadly.

“Well, if this was your friends’ idea, you certainly don’t have to, you know, act on anything. There’s no pressure.”

Richie’s featured contorted, almost as if he was offended Eddie would even suggest Richie might not want to see this through with him.

“Thanks for the out, but I hope you don’t mind if I don’t take it.”

Eddie’s cheeks tinted pink, a bashful smile causing him to tilt his head down.

“You’ve got a cute smile.” Richie murmured, almost too quiet for Eddie to pick up, before he was suddenly changing the subject.

The half hour they had to talk went by quickly, but they still found the time to discuss their entry questions for the program. They found out that they’d answered almost everything entirely the opposite from one another, leading them to question just how the algorithm worked.

“I still can’t believe you’d prefer a night at an arcade over a horse-back riding lesson for a first date.” Eddie teased, rounding back to the first question they’d been asked on their entry questionnaire.

“Hey, I stick by my guns; horses are terrifying creatures and I wish never to meet one.” Richie joked.

“I’ll have to introduce you to my friend Mike. He owns a farm and they’ve got the most gentle horses you’ve ever met. They wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

The insinuation of meeting up again after this program didn’t go unnoticed. Richie’s grin widened before Eddie realized what he’d said, slumping a bit lower in his chair and bringing the water glass to his lips.

“You know, if you want.” Eddie added, hiding his own smile behind a gulp of water.

“Already introducing each other to the friends, huh? Why Eddie, I didn’t know we were that serious.” Richie drawled in a dreadful impression of a southern belle.

Eddie’s face was flushed, his heartbeat preparing to send him to the hospital, when the overhead speakers came to life once more.

“We are now commencing part two. Please get comfortable as the gas begins to take its effects. Under the bed you will find anything you might need to make this experience more enjoyable.”

The two looked at each other with mixed expressions, the tone in the room suddenly thick with anticipation. The faint hissing of gas filtering in could be heard, but after looking around they couldn’t find its source.

Richie was the first one to move, pushing himself away from the table and heading towards the bed. He crouched down, reaching under the low bed frame and blindly feeling around until his hand met a box.

Once it was pulled out in full view, Richie and Eddie’s eyes both widened. The box was filled with an assortment of condoms, different types of lube, and even a few sex toys that were still in the package, marked with bright price stickers that implied if they used them, they were purchasing them to be taken home after.

“Wow, this is really happening.” Eddie said from where he still sat stock-still in his chair.

“Only if you want it to.” Richie said firmly, turning to give Eddie a genuine look.

“I don’t think that’s quite how it works. Soon our hormones are gonna take control and we won’t be able to help ourselves.”

“Hey,” Richie got up from his perch and walked over to Eddie, kneeling down in front of him and locking on to his gaze. “I will not do anything you don’t want me to. I don’t care what kind of crazy sex magic this is, I can and will hold myself back, if you tell me to.”

The tightness in Eddie’s chest began to loosen at Richie’s assurance, or maybe it was loosening because of the gas. Either way, Eddie found himself feeling more at ease, more confident, brazen.

He rose from his seat and passed by Richie, beginning to strip his shirt off as he walked towards the bed.

Richie was frozen in place, heart beating quickly at the mere sight of Eddie’s back. He was all tan skin and freckles and toned muscles; Richie found himself wanting to trace every curve with his tongue.

When Eddie’s hands began undoing his pants, Richie shot up and strode over within seconds, stilling Eddie’s hands with his own.

“Leave some for me, w-will ya?” He tried to joke, dry throat causing him to stumble over his words.

They couldn’t tell if the heat in the room was rising, or if it was the heat in their bodies. What had felt comfortable moments ago suddenly felt stifling. Getting rid of each other’s clothes became both lust-fueled and an attempt at regulating their temperatures.

Eddie began finding himself noticing things about Richie he hadn’t before. His hair was not an even shade of black, but rather a meld of dark browns and raven tones. It curled up in ways that made you want to run your fingers through it, and it looked so soft it was tantalizing.

Richie was noticing similar details about Eddie, like the swoop of his tiny nose and the smattering of freckles that didn’t just dust his cheeks, but scattered across his forehead and down his jaw. Richie followed the freckles down Eddie’s body, eyes glazing over as he took in the delicious planes of bare skin. When his gaze finally settled on Eddie’s cock, pink and perky, he dropped to his knees automatically.

Clients had to be free of STIs to pass through, so Richie didn’t think twice before taking Eddie into his mouth. The warmth of him on his tongue matched the warmth Richie felt all over, and the weight of the cock grounded him. He found it easy to focus on that and nothing else.

Eddie let out an unrestrained moan, letting his head tilt back as his fingers wound into that tempting hair. It was just as soft as he’d imagined, and he found himself gathering as much of it as he could in his fists.

As wonderful as it was to look down and see Richie’s mouth formed around his cock, eyes shut as he sucked with fervor unlike any Eddie had ever seen (or felt), Eddie needed more. His body tingled all over, his hole throbbed for attention, and all he wanted was for Richie to stuff him so full he wouldn’t be able to walk out of this place without assistance.

“Are you okay with topping?” Eddie struggled through his syrupy thoughts, trying to form a coherent sentence.

Richie hummed questioningly around Eddie’s cock, sending a shock of vibration up his shaft that had him cursing silently.

“Richie, are you okay with topping?” Eddie tried again, this time gritting the question through his teeth as his fingers tightened in Richie’s hair.

He got the same response, and irritation mixing with arousal caused Eddie to yank on Richie’s hair, pulling his head back and leaving him slack jawed and staring up at Eddie.

“Are you going to fuck me?” Eddie asked, all composure gone from his tone, replaced instead with desperation.

Richie smirked, raising on shaky legs and pulling Eddie close. Eddie’s hands were still tangled in his locks, causing his arms to rest on Richie’s shoulders.

“Oh Eds… I’m going to fuck you so hard you’ll be wrecked for anyone else.”

Richie leaned in, capturing Eddie’s lips in the first of their kisses. It was messy, driven by passion and an intensity that nearly knocked them off their feet.

Richie began steering Eddie backwards towards the bed, keeping their mouths connected with melding tongues and swallowed moans.

When Eddie felt the mattress hit the back of his legs, he turned around and crawled across the bed on all fours, lowering his chest until it touched the bed so his ass was in the air. He reached back with both hands, spreading his cheeks and presenting his hole to Richie. It was such an unexpected lewd pose that it nearly had Richie choking on air. Eddie looked like a cat in heat, bearing himself completely to be at the mercy of Richie.

“You better make good on your promise.” Eddie challenged, his voice a bit breathless.

Richie grabbed a bottle of lube from the box provided and hastily joined Eddie on the bed, his excitement causing him to stumble momentarily.

Richie’s chest was tightening, a slow spring getting ready to launch him into the abyss of infatuation. He was already completely taken with Eddie, but now, with the addition of the pheromones, he felt completely consumed by his obsession over this boy.

Richie was quick to squeeze some lube out onto his fingers, surprised when the smell of cherries drifted up to his nose. He looked at the label on the bottle, seeing it was indeed marketed as cherry flavored, and made a mental note to test it later when he wasn’t so hyper-focused on getting as deep inside Eddie’s guts as possible.

Richie brought a single digit to Eddie’s hole, admiring for a moment how pink and pretty it was; like a small flower waiting to bloom. He teased around the ring of muscle, enjoying the way the skin twitched in response, before he experimentally began pushing in.

Richie was surprised as Eddie’s hole essentially sucked him in, pulling him through the warm channel until he was up to his knuckle.

“I… may have stretched before coming here…” Eddie admitted, wiggling back into Richie shamelessly.

Richie’s brain was spinning, partially from the gas but mostly from the sight in front of him. Eddie was taking him so well, so eager to be stretched open and fucked good, and boy would Richie deliver.

After a few pumps and twists of his finger, Richie was already able to add another. In addition to Eddie having already stretched himself, a side effect of the gas was that it relaxed you, loosening your muscles and making your body more pliant. So Richie was able to get three fingers deep in record time, having received not a single complaint from Eddie, but instead continuous encouragement and hip swivels.

At this point, Eddie was basically fucking himself back on Richie’s fingers, and Richie legitimately considered letting him get off just like that. However, Richie’s own length was feeling ignored, so he shelved that idea for another day.

Richie removed his fingers, soothing Eddie’s whine with kisses along his back as Richie reached towards the box for a condom.

“No, n-no condom.” Eddie panted, trying to pull Richie’s hand back towards himself.

“Wha- are you sure?” Richie asked, despite his heart rate skyrocketing at the idea of being inside Eddie completely bare.

Eddie nodded, accompanied with a little moan.

“I want to carry your load inside me for the rest of the day.”

That’s all the encouragement Richie needed to convince him. He let his forehead rest between Eddie’s shoulder blades for a moment, letting out a shaky breath as he tried to compose himself so he didn’t cum then and there.

“You are going to kill me if you keep saying things like that.” Richie huffed out.

Eddie wiggled his ass back against Richie once again, only now that Richie was hunched over him, Eddie was grinding right back into his lap, the thick head of Richie’s cock catching on Eddie’s rim every few seconds.

“Then shut me up.” Eddie challenged coyly.

Well, Richie might only last a few seconds, but at least they’ll be a blissful few.

Richie drew back his pelvis, lining himself up with Eddie and pushing in without hesitation. The resulting moan was wanton, filling the room with a small echo that bounced off the walls. Richie momentarily wondered if these rooms were soundproof, and tried to think back to when he’d been walking through the halls. Had he heard anyone? Were there people listening to his most intimate moments right this second?

Eddie’s tight heat clenching around him was enough to shake those thoughts from his head. If they wanted to listen, then god bless them, because Richie would put on a show.

He pulled his hips back before pistoning forward with a vigor that knocked a choked moan out of Eddie. Richie quickly set a tempo that had Eddie unable to keep quiet, making sure to angle himself in a way that he found Eddie’s prostate, and keeping himself aimed towards it with every thrust.

“Fuck fuck hhhhhnnnnnngggg- so full.” Eddie groaned, reaching one of his hands down to his abdomen and pressing in, as if he might be able to feel Richie within him.

“So tight.” Richie responded, petting down Eddie’s back.

“I don’t know if it’s the g-gas but I don’t think I’ve ever been fucked this g-good- oh my god yesssss right there.”

Eddie was meeting Richie thrust for thrust, the sound of skin slapping together the only thing that could be heard apart from their moans.

“That’s not the gas- fuck- it’s all m- mmmmmm- all me, baby.”

Normally Eddie would hate a cocky response like that, but right then it went straight to his cock, causing it to twitch and release a heady string of pre-cum. He could tell he was going to cum soon, could feel the tightening in his balls and the constricting of his abdomen.

“I’m gonna cum, Richie- ‘m gonna- ahhhhh-”

Richie reached a hand around to Eddie’s front, grasping his cock in a gentle hold and giving it the attention it craved. Within seconds Eddie was spilling over Richie’s deft fingers, soiling the bed beneath them with waves of his release.

It took Richie another few minutes to cum, fucking into Eddie’s overstimulated hole to chase his own high. Eddie didn’t complain, didn’t wince away or whine, he just stayed open and willing, a vessel for Richie to get off.

When Richie finally finished and pulled out, Eddie collapsed on the bed, too far out of his mind to care that he was laying in his own cum, or that Richie’s was dripping out of him.

Richie lowered himself down beside Eddie, catching his breath as he let his eyes wander over the man’s lithe form. He wasn’t sure what the protocol was after having sex-gas initiated intercourse with a stranger. Did you cuddle? Kiss? Was he allowed to ask him on another date?

As the gas induced haze started to leave their minds, they became more and more aware of the state of them.

“Do you think they have showers here?” Eddie’s voice chirped up after a long silence. It was smaller than before, shy, maybe, which Richie thought to be endearing after he’d been begging for Richie to destroy him mere minutes ago.

“I hope so. I’m not too keen on the idea of walking home covered in my own spunk.”

Richie heard a small giggle, and when Eddie turned to face him he just about stopped Richie’s heart.

The smile on his face was radiant, shining up into his eyes and directly into Richie’s soul. Richie nearly missed his next few words, too busy falling so hard he thought he may get a concussion.

“I’ve always hated that word. Spunk.” Eddie repeated it, scrunching his nose up in disgust.

Richie wasn’t aware of his hand moving until it was curling a lock of Eddie’s hair around his ear, fingers drifting down to his cheek bone and along his jaw. Eddie’s face fell into a new expression, surprised, but also inquisitive and searching.

Richie let his hand settle on to Eddie’s neck, thumb grazing back and forth over his jaw. He locked in to those hazel eyes before slowly, carefully, leaning into Eddie’s space and placing a gentle peck on his lips.

Eddie responded with a light press of his own lips, eyelids fluttering shut only for them to pop back open when the kiss ended before he was ready.

“Eddie…” Richie took a breath, stilling himself before continuing. “Will you go on a date with me? A real date?”

Eddie bit the inside of his cheek, trying to keep his grin from showing through. He tried to calm his heart down before responding.

“On one condition.”

Richie raised an eyebrow.

“The food has to be better than that slop.” Eddie nodded towards the table where their forgotten dinner laid.

“Of course, Eddie Spaghetti.” Richie smiled before recapturing Eddie’s lips.

[lizzybeth1986]

Quick Thoughts on TRFTP Book 1 Chapter 16

• Remember how I dubbed the book The Royal Fast-Track Pregnancy last chapter? Well, yeah. That’s my title for this book from now on.

• If you don’t want to see these posts on your dash, here are the tags to block: #trh quick thoughts, #trh qts, #trh qt reblogs, #long post.

• We’re now in the MC’s third trimester, celebrating her baby shower. Her in-laws show up, she gets gifts, she barely notices that her corgis have had puppies (but why am I surprised, this is the same MC who didn’t care enough about her corgi in Book 2 to notice he was with Liam to help with his proposal). And a couple of nosy royals come to visit.

• Over here in India, we do this ceremony around the 7th month, and it’s called different names in different places but with similar traditions and setups. Up North it’s called godhbharai (which literally means “filling the lap” - since the mother’s lap features prominently here as a symbol of maternal care, therefore the gifts are placed on a cloth over her lap - symbolizing her fulfillment once she reaches motherhood and the blessings she takes with her), and mostly fruits and sweets are placed on her lap as a blessing for prosperity and luck. You have games…but the mother isn’t exactly expected to participate in them - she’s the guest of honour, she sits and enjoys!

• She definitely isn’t there to submit to such a thorough interrogation of her political choices either!!

• The rest of the world treats a baby shower like a time for the mother-to-be to relax and be pampered within an inch of her life. Cordonia treats it as an opportunity for her to beat non-pregnant people at their version of egg-and-spoon and pass personality tests.

• Screenshots:

Hana: The Universal Studio 77 YouTube channel

Maxwell: The rash rec YouTube channel

Drake: @thefirstcourtesan and The BizzysChoices YouTube channel

• Title: Great Expectations

Alternative Title: The State of My Bladder Is of Far More Importance Than Any of This Nonsense.

• Believe me, during your final months of pregnancy your bladder will be virtually non-existant (which is why you’re recommended kegel exercises early on). In medical terms they call this “urinary incontinence”, which is due to those muscles facing way more pressure than usual). At one point I recall joking about how we should add “The Bathroom” at the top of my home address, coz I was almost taking up permanent residence there 😐 I wouldn’t be worrying about politics and intrigue at a time like this, I’d be worrying about my kegels!

• Kiki doesn’t get a lot of opportunities to flex her diplomatic muscles in this story, but when she does, gosh does she deliver. Following her advice this time is what allows us to buy time for ourselves.

• Unfortunately that’s all the space PB will allow Kiara, we’re now back to our regular schedule of treating her like she doesn’t matter.

• Either Maxwell or Hana (in Maxwell’s playthrough) will lead us to the boutique to pick out an outfit.

• On a level of having more gold (therefore bling) than peach, that diamond option already wins. At least in the silhouette I can pretend the peach parts of this dress don’t exist. (I still wound up using the free peach outfit for my failplay of this chapter though)

• Me before meeting Hana: pls don’t make her wear that awful lbd again pls pls pls i beg

Me seeing Hana wear the silver one: …okay that’s not too bad. I’m just going to keep headcanoning this one as a gown though.

• Liam wears his official black tie outfit, Hana wears her silver dress, Maxwell wears his black suit and Drake his deep blue one.

• In everyone else’s playthrough besides Hana’s, she is the one in charge of this “planning committee”. Penelope is in charge of…throwing confetti, which annoys Olivia to end.

• Marguerite from THM steps forward with her good wishes, and asks us about the sex of the child - at which point the narrative lets us know that it’s tradition in Cordonia to not know until the delivery. Which makes sense, since we’ll probably be allowed to customize this in a different book? And in some countries (like mine, where it’s illegal to find out before delivery) there are really, really good reasons to not give anyone - especially the family - that information.

• We meet the rest of the royals: Eirik is as self-centered as he always was (either that or Khaan really desperately needs to make sure no one knows he’s that VR game developer from San Francisco who ran away from Eros), Lerato and Lesidi are cupcakes as always, and the Three Big Royals are shady as always.

• The good thing about the scene where Isabella tries to touch your belly is that it is established as out of line straightaway. You win or lose no points however you react, and while you’re expected to be diplomatic and impress them - the narrative is clear on how wrong Isabella is on doing this. And even if you don’t show a reaction, your LI most certainly will.

• PB is trying to convince me that Amalas has a better sense of boundaries, as if she didn’t stalk me in Texas and squeeze out every possible detail about my past life like an orange in a juicer. She only seems better because the Auvernese have all the subtlety of a sledgehammer.

• Most of the LIs have lost a parent, but have a sibling (except for Hana, who is an only child with both parents living. Liam has lost both his parents, but has a stepmother in Regina so she fulfills that role here) - which means that in every case besides Hana’s, we see one parent and one sibling who has become a parent (optional, in Leo’s case).

- Liam: Regina and Leo (YOU EXIST! I WAS ALMOST CERTAIN PB FORGOT YOU WERE THERE). The two lightheartedly tease each other, which is phenomenal progress considering they were at each other’s throats in RoE! Leo comes to wish the MC in all playthroughs.

- Hana: Lorelai and Xinghai. Hana has sent them an invitation but wasn’t sure they’d make it, and depending on whether she is married or not their response varies. In the friendly playthrough, they respond positively but the focus is still very much on seeing the MC. In the romantic playthrough, however, Hana is allowed to show her nervousness and slight fear (how generous, PB!), reaches out to the MC for support, and the parents are tentative in their approach, with Xinghai even assuring Hana that they will cut short their stay if she wants them to. To which she confirms that she does indeed want them here. The two come to wish the MC in all playthroughs, as Leo does.

- Maxwell: Bartie Sr and Bertrand. Bartie Sr tops even King Eirik for self-centeredness (“make way for House Beaumont!”) and is…just plain weird in the way he greets the MC and his younger son (even Maxwell notices this, commenting that ol’ Bartie is “laying it on a little thick”). Bertrand is the more normal, sorted one, which is a sentence I thought I’d never say in this series. The team was pretty smart in how they scattered BertVannah between two LIs - Drake gets a visit from his sister, Maxwell gets a visit from his brother. Neither Bartie Sr nor Bertrand make an appearance in any other playthroughs which is just as well coz I saw PLENTY Bertrand for 7 whole chapters.

- Drake: Bianca and Savannah. Bianca asks the MC if Drake has been “pulling his weight around the house” while the MC has been “worrying about that baby” - nice to know she expects the same of her son as she did for her son-in-law (or perhaps a little less than what she expects of her son-in-law, considering Bertrand had to get back an entire saddle from the person she sold it to just so he could win her favour, after she allowed her sister to treat him like crap for his entire stay at her home). Savannah mercifully doesn’t get a lot of dialogue and merely compliments our glow. Savannah only appears in this playthrough, while her husband Bertrand only appears in Maxwell’s. Which is a good thing. I’ve had enough of that couple to last me a lifetime (sorry Bertrand). You see both Bianca and Savannah only in this playthrough, and I’m EXTREMELY relieved we don’t see Leona.

• It must be clear to anyone who has read all the playthroughs by now - only Leo, Lorelai and Xinghai make appearances across playthroughs, which could either be because they haven’t been shown at all in the books until now, or possibly because they may feature in Lythikos.

• Okay it’s egg and spoon time but with apples. This is Cordonia. It wouldn’t be anything but apples.

•

When you’re a new mom the last thing on your mind is grace and poise ok. Put really really simply and not in too much detail…your brain will feel more scrambled than scrambled eggs esp in the initial weeks, coz half the time you’re trying to make sense of your kid’s sleep schedule and the other half is your body just….feeling WEIRD (hormonal shifts, postpartum bleeding, and generally the overall effects of childbirth - whether it is vaginally or via C-section, both of which come with their own set of challenges). Your own sleep schedule is going to be all over the place and even after the kid starts sleeping all through the night, sometimes your brain has already been wired to wake you up at 2 AM or something. Your back is gonna hurt like a bitch. Your hair will become a hornet’s nest within the first two weeks coz what even is combing (okay, okay, that was probably just me 😅😅). And this is just when things go normally, okay.

You don’t need grace and poise to take care of a kid at this stage - you need stamina and a strong support system. Cordonia (I mean YOU, TRH team) you really need to talk to more pregnant people 🤦🏽‍♀

(on a more serious note…this is why I feel there needs to be more dialogue on parenthood. What it’s truly like and how it really feels, without the kind of fear that holds especially new parents back from admitting to their feelings about it. New parenthood with all its mess and stresses, its frustrations and confusions. No matter how prepared you are, no matter how much reading up you’ve done, there will always be something about that experience that will knock you sideways. I’ve learned that the less shame there is around admitting that parenthood can be messy, can be trial-and-error rather than perfectly executed every single time, can be imperfect, the better it is for everyone. And maybe this is a lesson that parents in some places have had the space to learn already - and that’s amazing - but there are a whole bunch of places where that’s not the case. And there is so much pressure to make it sound better, to convince people this is an easy happy journey even when it isn’t, or to believe that your well-being isn’t as important as that of your child, that many new parents don’t speak up…believing they’re the only ones who feel this way).

But I digress. I do know that “grace and poise” is expected of pregnant royals and even pregnant celebs. I do know that often they’re expected to step out looking picture perfect after having to battle lack of sleep and insane hormonal changes. They’re expected to have “fit bodies” just months after they’ve delivered. This happens in the real world. And the more we talk about it? The more we can help parents, esp new parents who might struggle more to articulate this experience.

• So…where was I? Oh right, grace and poise. In a race involving a spoon and an apple. A spoon and an apple. Excuse me while I facepalm🤦🏽‍♀

• My bladder would never survive this race in a real-life pregnancy situation, I just know it.

• Self-centered or not, at least Khaan-in-disguise points out the obvious: that everyone else has a physical edge over us. But Leo assures him that speed doesn’t help you in this game (does that make me the tortoise among a bunch of hares if I win? 🐰 🐰 🐢 🐰 🐰)

• Scarlett-Emerson-in-disguise is an angel coz she’s the only person apologizing for bumping into my bump.

• Now…if you bought the diamond scene where we drank wine with Isabella, you’d get intel about Bradfraud that could throw him off in the race:

Now…I really like this bit, okay. I like how thrown off he is that we know his secret. But I’m not entirely sure how wise of a decision it is to let him know so soon that we know, or whether it will bite us in the ass eventually. Could we have maybe waited for a better opportunity? Idk.

Anyway, so that definitely works. But IMO in a petty, inconsequential way that means little in the long run (or could be dangerous too idk). This is intel we could have saved for a better time.

• This is why it makes more sense for the MC to be told what Olivia (and possibly Liam) is investigating. Or at least for her to actually keep asking until one of them caves in and tells her. If she’d known about an Operation Swan maybe she wouldn’t openly goad him so easily (or maybe she would. It’s the MC after all).

• There’s a funny sequence in this where everyone falls on each other like ninepins. And another one where Olivia gets impatient and just throws her apple over to the finishing line, asking Kiara if she won and Kiki is like “non. You’re extremely disqualified.” Oh Kiki. Never change 😂

• ….exactly how large are these spoons. It’s an apple. That would cross over from spoon territory to ladle!

• Once the race is over, we’re back to our tables for lunch. The MC’s bump almost knocking a plate over sparks a conversation among the mothers in the table about their baby bumps, and then about labour. Lorelai in particular speaks about her delivery being “more…grueling than what I expected” but quickly assuring the now-nervous MC that once the child is placed in your arms it will all be worth it. That description could cover a whole range of experiences…from mildly stressful to extremely terrifying. I always hope it’s the former.

(I have another question though: so if Lorelai was so ecstatic over Hana’s birth, where and how during/after this euphoric period did Hana’s parents suddenly begin to feel “devastated” over not having a son then? Coz I distinctly recall Hana speaking about that in Book 1. Or is this another retcon?)

In any case…it’s nice to hear that at least for Hana’s sake.

• If you’re married to one of the guys, then it’s Hana who put together the tiny hors d'ouvres (“personally tested all the options for deliciousness and visual appeal!”). If you’re married to Hana, Madeleine is in charge of this part of the baby shower (“spent a week focus group taste-testing the sides for both aesthetic and delectability”). In any case, it’s all tiny food that’s too cute to eat.

•

…isn’t this the guy who constantly complained about tiny portions? Why wasn’t he just taking extra helpings then? (though he also still complains about food from another country looking like “abstract art”. First Hana’s meal in China, now this. No one cares for your uninformed, unwanted opinion on their cultural dishes, Drake. Good thing Maxwell shut that nonsense down immediately)

• Isabella and Bradshaw’s communications with us have always used strength, might, power as a central factor in their dealings with us. Amalas’ approach is no less insistent, but in a different direction. Culture, cuisine, these are the things that seem to stand out to me atm. If the Auvernese mindset reminds me somewhat of Lythikos and Olivia, the Monterisso one looks like it could bring to mind Castelserraillian, Kiara and her family, and Liam + Hana who are more inclined to explore art and culture.

• Everyone’s kid likes grapes, apparently.

• The dish Amalas presented for the guessing game is what they call a “Sweet Potato Surprise”, but you gotta admit the ‘mango’ option is the most entertaining 😆 (with the carrot option, she claims that she mentioned a root vegetable, which would be close enough)

• A pair of cute corgi puppies make their way to our table, and depending on whether you bought both adult corgis or not, the puppies are either theirs, or strays. Like…why are you paywalling the CHILDREN of two dogs if we actually bought the dogs. I could actually justify this level of greed if it were backed up by an equal amount of effort in the book overall, but it isn’t.

• Anyway, they only feature together, so you have to decide on two names that will fit in one space. It kind of reminds me of how they’ve drawn Merlin and Morgana - in one sprite. I’m guessing at some point there will be an option to allow Penelope to clothe them as well.

• Like most of the fandom has already said by now, Bastien and Mara can’t even be trusted with a pair of pups.

• If you don’t buy the pups, Penelope offers to have one of her friends “in the canine couture world” to adopt them.

• Here’s the parenting advice from all the in-laws!

Liam: Regina speaks of the importance of regulating sweet intake closer to bedtime which is true because a child on a sugar rush will transform into the Energizer Bunny and go on forever. Like, this is very much how a child on a sugar rush reacts to the notion of sleep:

Hana: This one seems to highlight Hana’s competitive nature, perfectionism and ambition, and I guess there could be a lesson there in that you need to give yourself time to grow into things you want to do, and that means allowing yourself the space to topple over or struggle once in a while, the space to make mistakes. But I doubt it because weren’t these the same people who deemed her a failure for things that were beyond her control??

Maxwell: Maxwell is sorta kinda called out in this one, both for being “peaceful looking” and for wrecking havoc with those House documents lol. I’m guessing Bartie Sr is here in our baby shower mostly to look suspicious. What exactly was in those House Documents, ol’ Bart?

Drake: Bianca gives us some age-old advice about sleeping while the baby sleeps, which is something my mother and aunt (who looked after me post-childbirth) swore by. They would insist I spent whatever time kiddo was sleeping to be when I got my shut-eye too, because if you don’t take that and pull an all-nighter feeding the child, it’s going to be near-impossible to function. But you really, really need to have lots of support around you during such times because that kind of schedule leaves you little to no time to do much else besides occasional eating, small routines and light exercise (thankfully the MC has staff and a strong support system who can help her). In this case Bianca quips that Savannah was the easy one, and Drake the really fussy one. Drake isn’t quite convinced (who are you kidding Drake you’re still fussy).

• You get two extra pieces of parenting advice from the rulers, pretty characteristic (at least in Auvernal’s case since we’re more familiar with their culture) of where they come from. Amalas’ is “know your baby’s moods, and you can spot a tantrum before it happens”. The Auvernese “pearls of wisdom” say “to show weakness is to admit defeat” - Jesus, these guys have lost already, then.

• Olivia now has plans for a dart playing game - where she plans to use her daggers instead. You can either refuse to join, or enthusiastically participate. The LI warns you to be careful in the second option.

• If you join in: Isabella and Amalas hit near-center, both claiming different things in the face of their defeat (Isabella claims Olivia’s dagger to be a “terribly balanced weapon”) and Amalas tries to throw Olivia off by claiming her “aim was off”. Both of them are clearly thrown off by the unfamiliar weapon. At this point Olivia counts on the MC to “show them what Cordonians are made of”. If you succeed, you get a glimpse of your LI going all John Mulaney on the foreign royals (“that’s my wife!”)

• If you don’t join in: the LI and the MC’s friends form a protective circle around her, and Olivia chooses to stick to the usual darts. Isabella and Amalas are both in their element, with tools they’re familiar with using on a dart board. Isabella’s is still just near the target, Olivia’s is even closer, and Amalas’ is the closest - almost knocking off Olivia’s dart.

• Either way, we’ve effectively pissed off Isabella who angrily asks for “best of two?” 🤭

• Time for presents!

• Uh oh. The rattle comes from Auvernal. And it’s the same rattle as the one on the book cover. Soooooo…what does that hint at? Will our hand be forced, somehow? And will we eventually have to make a secret pact with Monterisso to get out of it, since the narrative is really really trying to push Amalas as the better option? (maybe not, but it’s fun to theorize).

• I don’t trust Amalas but they clearly gave her the nicer gift (at least, a nicer explanation for her gift). It’s a blossom “from the oldest apple tree in Monterisso, a tree that Cordonia helped my people plant long ago”. She hints at a closeness that the countries shared way back and offers the gift as a way of asking if that could happen again. The story kind of reminds me of the Regatta one Liam told us in Book 1, where Cordonia helped its neighbours at sea with supplies, during a time when they were ravaged by storms.

• Eirik gives you a bust of his own head, Lerato and Lesidi give you glass bottles and Marguerite gives us money, which puzzles the LIs. (though culturally I’ve been accustomed to cash being given as gifts or even in blessing, esp by elders, and I know at least one or two other cultures where cash can be the norm for gifts too). Kiara confiscated Olivia’s gift which she argues would help with self-defence 🤭 which happens to be one of my favourite moments in this chapter, and reminds me of this post an artist made of the MC’s baby shower long back. Idk why everyone sleeps on Kiara’s sheer entertainment value coz that girl possesses it in droves.

•

From our in-laws, we get a gift for the nursery - a cot mobile to place above the baby’s crib. These things are incredibly useful in the initial few months of a baby’s life when their visual development, eye-hand coordination and control over head and neck muscles are just about beginning. (and it’s cute and fun. What’s not to like). Unfortunately…unlike the nursery itself and the crib, you don’t get a free option for the cot mobile. You get a royal and rustic option + plus a neutral one with stars that I liked, but you have to pay even for that lovely neutral one. I’m guessing that the first two things from our nursery were “essentials” and whatever else we get now will be considered additional perks, thus paywalling even the options that don’t fit into your “royal or rustic” theme.

Each of the in-laws refer to a local/Cordonian craftswoman who made cot mobiles for the LIs. Leo gleefully tells us that Liam’s had “sparkles for days”, Bianca teasingly acts secretive about Drake’s. Hana never even knew she had a mobile coz she hasn’t seen a lot of baby photos of herself (I’m not sure what it’s meant to be an indication of yet, but I’m taking note of it). The one that really puzzles me is Maxwell’s. The writers don’t bother telling us what Maxwell’s is and instead make the bizarre choice to tell us what Bertrand’s cot mobile was instead. Why…the hell…would a Maxwell stan be interested in THAT. The writers don’t even specify if it was a hand-me-down (why was a family that rich and titled giving their younger one hand-me-downs) - nope, somehow it was a better choice to let us know that Bertrand’s was “silver grapefruit spoons”.

They should have done this for Drake also then, no? Talk about Savannah’s mobile instead of his? But noooo, Drake is too important, right. So let’s have his mother act all coy about his but make sure the sequence still centered around him.

At this point the writers should just nip this entire series in the bud if they’re not going even to bother writing equally good romances for all the LIs. One decently-done romance route doesn’t a good romance book make.

• In the middle of all this, the LI calls the MC into the hedge maze, presenting her with their own gift - a deep blue baby blanket with gold embroidery. How very Cordonia of them xD

• It’s a cute free LI moment where they show you how much they appreciate you, even in the midst of all this chaos and pandering of nosy royals.

• Once we’re back, it’s time to see if we passed our little diplomacy exam with these guys. Depending on the points you have with them, they will either back down convinced that even a normal alliance would work with Cordonia, or they will pressurize you further.

• Interestingly enough in the failplay, Amalas’ responses seem to imply that she would have more open to the idea of simply an alliance with the rulers sans marriage, but you can’t tell yet whether this is the writers trying to indicate to us that she is the choice, or whether she just isn’t being as ham-fisted as the Auvernese are. They lack subtlety, she’s more persuasive, but is she still someone you can trust? Since we’ve only seen her like twice before this sequence, I can’t quite tell yet.

• Kdjhshshsjssj @ Liam confiscating Maxwell’s armory access pass.

• The sales of “that book about us that has Maxwell’s face on it” are fantastic, and the publishers want Maxwell to do a book tour, the first signing of which is in Lythikos.

• We’re in Lythikos…for a book tour. Not even because Olivia found some information there or whatever (though I’m sure that will come up at some point next chapter), we’re there for a book tour that could have been done ANYWHERE.

• Places we could be having this book signing:

- Ramsford: Yknow, the author’s birthplace which we haven’t bothered visiting since our first Beaumont Bash in Book 1.

- Castelserraillian: Yknow, like the seat of art and culture and literature in Cordonia?? If there is one place in all of Cordonia I could easily picture as a literary hub it would be this one.

- No Valtoria coz we’ve seen plenty of it.

- Applewood: Yknow, that place that has many farmers, lots of commoners, who doubtless would have read this story of a commoner woman who climbed the ranks into royalty and glory. Applewood even has a public library that Queen Eleanor and her son regularly supported and visited. I’m sure many of the commoners in Applewood would have found that story even a little inspiring.

- Hana’s mysterious Cordonian homeplace: Just because the team is whack and we deserved better. They could have really made an effort to show her other home somewhere, yknow, considering they did such an awful job of Shanghai the last time.

• At this point we’ve seen Lythikos more than we have seen any other estate in this story. Sure, we can all spout out all sorts of excuses for why - plot, intrigue, Olivia’s character development (work on your own female LI first, PB!), but it all comes back to the same point: that the team is more willing to rob Hana of her rightful space and place it on Olivia’s lap. Setting this in Lythikos is re about the fact that, now that Drake has had more than his fair share of space, it’s Olivia’s turn to fulfill the role of secondary character but be treated like a main (all while Hana is thrown in as their token female LI + default POC LI, but treated with far less respect from her writers than even a secondary character).

• Overall, this is meant to be a light chapter - which most Chapter 16s (except for Book 2) are. Chapter 16 tends to be sandwiched between intense sequences, and is often seen as the point where the group and the LIs and MC can have fun but relax from court intrigue as well. It was the Beaumont Bash in Book 1, Vegas in Book 3, now a baby shower in TRH Book 1.

• Hana meeting her parents again (especially on her own playthrough), was nice, I guess. A little extra time is spent during the cot mobile scene having her parents acknowledge how they’d failed her, and the narrative shows us glimpses of her nervousness and discomfort while having the parents state that if she would rather they leave, they will respect that. It’s a tiny bit more progress compared to all the times Lorelai was continually repeating her mistakes and thinking they could be fixed each time with a paltry apology. But it’s still not enough.

• For one, we have just 4 chapters left in a book where half the time we were pandering to Drake’s family for chapters on end. We’re 16 chapters too late in addressing this. I have zero faith that things will improve.

For another, Hana getting this type of validation from her parents isn’t something that should be restricted to the playthrough where she is married alone. In both cases she invited them along, so in both cases they should be showing an equal level of caring and tentetiveness.

For a third, the whole angle with her parents seems to have such a disconnect. It’s almost like the writers were trying to prove something but didn’t do enough work to make it all sound coherent. Like you have this somewhat-healing relationship, but even then you have these moments that just don’t seem to make sense within Hana’s narrative, like Lorelai giving you that generic answer about your feelings suddenly becoming positive the moment they place the baby in your arms (which, btw, doesn’t always happen), or Xinghai talking about Hana’s ambition but there’s hardly any indication of how they controlled the directions her ambition would take. Overall they all sound like nice sequences by themselves but very disconnected to Hana’s actual story.

Why Hana hasn’t seen many baby pictures is something I want to see more of. I’m hoping that the fact that we see Lorelai, Xinghai and Leo in all the playthroughs, means they may accompany us on the book tour and perhaps we will get Hana-centric flashbacks and Liam-centric ones too.

• With next week, we’ll have only three chapters left, the intrigue is still in its nascent stages, the pacing is grossly uneven, and most of the LIs still don’t have a clear-cut arc. Some may claim that, well, it’s a series so maybe everyone else will get their “arc” in the next book. Except that if that were the case, Drake’s playthrough shouldn’t have been having the kind of focus on family that it’s been having this entire book. Others may claim that, well, it’s okay coz the story is about the baby and the romance - but they didn’t exactly do any justice to either of those. So what was this whole book about then? Besides Walker worship?

• The holiday special for TRR…is this going to be in Lythikos? Again??? Isn’t it bad enough that I will be going into TRM foolishly hoping to see Castelserraillian to get fair rep but know I’ll be confronted with with the reality of duchies like Lythikos getting a lion’s share of the story??

• That’s it for this chapter, guys. Until Saturday!

[curedofheadaches]

My mission with this blog…

To bring awareness to a grossly underestimated cause of headaches: caffeine.

To get to the bottom of why doctors don’t appear to know this.

Most of all: To help those plagued with headaches. 

I need your help…

          If you are a headache sufferer, you can help me test my caffeine-cause theory, possibly curing yourself of headaches, by participating in my experiment, and then simply describing your results here in my comment box. If I gather evidence from others that this works, then my argument will be stronger and I will be able to get more attention from the medical world. 

          Because migraines are closely associated with epilepsy, I certainly wonder if this would apply to those with epilepsy as well, and I would like to hear your experiences too as it relates to elimination of caffeine from the diet.

         The experiment…

          I need headache volunteers, who have a caffeine habit to any degree, to try a caffeine-free diet for two months, and report back to me as to whether or not you are having fewer headaches, if they are less painful, shorter in duration, or require less to no drug intervention. Every bit of caffeine must go: coffee, tea, sodas and energy drinks with caffeine, chocolate , or any other product with caffeine. This includes many of the very drugs that doctors prescribe for headaches, as well as many of the over-the-counter remedies. You must clean your system of caffeine for several months before you can tell if it will work for you. 

          Considering the pain you are in with headaches, this is not a hard thing to do. However, I have met many stubborn headache sufferers who refuse to try the caffeine-free diet and would prefer to have a sickening headache. You don’t have to cut out coffee or tea. You just have to switch to decaf. Switching to decaf products, is easy to do taste-wise, but could make your head ache from withdrawal, so do it slowly and in increments. I talk about it in my story  below.

So, please read about my own 27-year odyssey with headaches, and then leave your comments or questions below. Please write as much detail about your headache journey as you wish and be sure to include your experiences with doctors. I am especially interested in knowing how they communicate with a patient on a first visit.  

My own history of migraine headaches…

           For 27 years, my life was plagued by right-sided migraine headaches. They started when I was 22 and lasted until I was 49, when I figured out what was causing them.  In that time, I was prescribed a wide variety of powerful drugs that wasted my body, affected everything major aspect of my life, including possibly the loss of a pregnancy as well as my marriage and may have contributed to long-lasting health issues such as dry macular degeneration.

          Cafergot, Fiorecet, Fiorinal, Esgic, Midrin, Atenolol, Topamax, Elavil, a wide assortment of triptans, Tylenol with Codeine, Demerol, marijuana, botox, Excedrin and Depakote are the drugs I tried along my 27-year migraine headache journey. Some of these were prophylactic stabs in the dark at prevention, none of which worked. Many of them are painkillers that seemed to aggravate the problem and I would cycle through them, hoping for better results. Some of them are the big guns drugs that stop the headaches, but leave you wasted in their wake.

          The ergotamines were the old-fashioned drugs that worked as vessel-clampers. They worked, but they were dangerous. The first time a doctor prescribed cafergot to me, he prescribed a dose that was way too strong for my 100 pound body. I ended up unable to open my arms and legs to get out of a fetal position. My muscles became locked from lack of blood flow. It also made me vomit. For days afterward, I had rebound headaches. In the weeks to follow, I went through black out periods after taking too much of the drug again.  Working out the dosage so that I took just enough to kill the headache, but not so much that it made me sick or caused black outs, was tricky but once I worked out a good dosage and timing of that dosage, I was able to better control the migraines to keep them from escalating out of control. Cafergot suppositories became my crutch, the item I never left home without, for years. Then, the triptans became the popular migraine drug as Cafergot disappeared from the market due to safety concerns.

          The beginning of the end of my headaches came in 2008, when I was co-authoring a blog.  In a post one day, I mentioned that I had migraines.  Two of the readers of our blog commented on the post, telling me that the only way they had gotten rid of their own migraines was to eliminate caffeine completely from their diet.  

           At the time, I didn’t believe that I consumed enough caffeine to make a difference. In fact, no doctor I had ever seen about it, thought it could be problematic. Surely, they would know. They were even prescribing caffeine and telling me to try a cup of coffee at the onset. In theory, that might work since coffee is a vasoconstrictor which might help to shrink the swollen blood vessels in your head. I know now, that it doesn’t work and serves to aggravate the problem if you already have a caffeine habit. At the time, I thought my headache  attacks would have been much worse without the caffeine. 

           I was in the habit of having one cup of coffee in the morning that was made of half-strength caffeine (half-caf).  Then, I would have a glass of iced tea for lunch, and sometimes, as a chocoholic, chocolate in the evening. Adhering to my reader’s advice, I decided to wean myself off of a caffeine habit that I had had my entire adult life except when I was pregnant, during which time I did not drink caffeine and during which time I, incidentally, did not have headaches.  My doctors told me at the time, that the lack of headache was due to hormones and the miracle of pregnancy.  

           I first reduced my cup of half-caf in the morning to quarter-caf.  The day after I began this reduction, I had a nasty withdrawal headache that lasted a week and required drug intervention of Frova.  The following week, when I switched to full decaf in the morning, again I had a headache for a week.  Next came the tea.  I also reduced it to half twice, with an extended headache resulting each time.  At that point, there was no doubt in my mind as to how profoundly the small amounts of caffeine were affecting me.  The last to go was chocolate and again, a headache.  Once my system was clean, I was completely cured of migraine headaches, or at least had learned exactly how to control them. I have not taken a single drug for a  headache since. It has been 12 years.

           To test my caffeine theory, I have experimented with adding caffeine back to my diet in small amounts.  I can tolerate one dose of caffeine in the form of coffee or chocolate if, I do not consume it again the following day to set up a cycle of need.  I have tested this many many times. Now, when I do get a caffeine headache, I as able to ride out the attack without intervention of drugs, because I don’t further aggravate the migraine by adding the caffeine fuel to the headache fire. They do not get bad enough to bother me to the point I would waste my body with drugs like the triptans. 

           Through the course of my life with migraines, I have tried just about every remedy known to the neurological world.  I have spent thousands upon thousands of dollars on doctors, therapists, drugs, MRI’s, botox injections, biofeedback, and on insurance rates inflated because of my pre-existing condition. I have lost countless work hours and feel it drastically affected what would have otherwise been the most productive years of my life.  There was even a time when I considered applying for disability. To have altered my body’s chemistry with harsh drugs for 27 years could well have the long-term affect of shortening my life span and could possibly have caused my dry macular degeneration (no family history and “vascular condition” is a risk factor).  All of this, because I did not know that what was causing my headaches all along, in the smallest amounts, was the common substance, caffeine. 

           In those 27 years, each time I have been to a doctor about my headaches, I have been routinely questioned about my caffeine intake, but I was never once told that I should eliminate caffeine completely from my diet. It would seem that the doctors were looking for abuse of caffeine, and were not concerned about moderate use. Quite the contrary, I have been prescribed the very drugs with caffeine, that I know now, perpetuated my headaches.  These include Fiorinal, Esgic, and Cafergot, and over-the-counter medications that contain caffeine.  I am amazed that the complete cessation of caffeine consumption is not a routine part of headache treatment practiced by every doctor in this country.  Why, indeed, do doctors prescribe medications with caffeine?  Why do drugmakers produce it without warnings. Whenever a patient presents with chronic headache complaint, doctors should automatically ask if the patient has any caffeine habit. If so, they should eliminate it completely from their diet for two months to see if it works.

Misconception or fraud?

           And why is this unknown to the medical world?  After I cured myself of headaches, I went to see my neurologist one  last time to tell him that I thought I had discovered what had been causing them all along. He didn’t believe me, doubting that it could be true, and questioning whether it would last.

           Furthermore, I have never found any literature stating that all headache sufferers should cease all use of caffeine. In reading the National Headache Foundation site for instance, there is no mention of this.  To the contrary, the site lists ‘Excedrin Migraine’ as its first over-the-counter medication.  Excedrin Migraine has caffeine.  

           I am alarmed by the ignorance of the medical field with regard to the perils of caffeine for sufferers who already have a seamingly benign caffeine habit. How can an average person like me know this, but the nuerological field is ignorant to it? Is it negligence on the part of researchers and educators? Or worse—fraud? Malpractice? Consider the careers that are built on headache treatments. Consider the money that millions pay. Consider the loss of productivity and quality of life. Consider other people who might be plagued for 27 years like me.

Please write to me...

Again, please tell me your story in my comment section. If you would prefer to email me directly, my address is: lbtowers@aol.com. Many thanks, in advance, for your help to solve this mystery!

Lisa

[horrorpostergirl]

Build it back up...or tear it down

A/N: A part two to my first BNHA OC drabble, When your foundation crumbles. It introduces yet another OC of mine. Well, two more technically. I may make this a full on story.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

If she was being completely honest, Nora could very well see why people would not like her. Especially when she opened her mouth about her feelings towards heroes.

All the college student wanted was to buy some some yakisoba noodles, maybe a few vegetables, and more coffee. The true essentials of a student trying to survive. Yet a pro hero’s presence in public, mainly just walking down the sidewalk on patrol, was enough for everyone to make going to the store difficult. Her brow twitched and her stomach growled. 

I just want noodles. Delicious, instant noodles.

She forced a smile and politely wiggled her way through the crowd of fans.

“Excuse me- Pardon, sorry- Just trying to get through-”

“It’s Mount Lady!”

A ugly groan escaped from her throat. “Oh who cares?!” Then she became painfully aware of the horrified and disgusted looks she received but she was too tired to really care. Coffee. Noodles. That was all on her mind, not some hero that took more care to pose for the camera than care in actually capturing the villain. Yeah yeah, you beat up the bad guy but at what cost? Oh wait, as long as you get a paycheck and some publicity you don’t care.

It had been a little while since the appearance of the infamous Hero Killer, and his so called defeat. Nora had always held distaste for heroes, and Stain’s words did more to further her disgust for them. These days, heroism felt more like a way to get fame and money. Whenever she saw a hero posing for the cameras, she wanted to gag. It didn’t really help that the exam for the top hero school was extremely biased. Flashy, physical quirks were almost guaranteed to get you a spot.

It was obvious that this world had a gold standard over who would be a shining hero or not, and cared nothing for conviction or dedication. Nora simply didn’t want to be a part of that.

She finally made it into the store, huffing as she stocked up and got what she needed. A sympathetic clerk gave her a smile seeing the telltale eyebags that screamed she was up all night studying and writing out a 8000 word essay. Mentioned eyebags made her light grey eyes look slightly manic. Her plum colored hair was curly mess as usual, lazily pulled back in a half up half down style though several unruly strands fell out. She got in and out quickly, aiming to head quickly back to her studio apartment.

Countless times she had been offered by her cousin’s family to live with them. It would be the smarter thing to do, and less lonelier but Nora found herself used to being isolated, and didn’t mind living on her own. She called her uncle twice a week to let him know she was okay considering the area she lived in, and her cousin always spammed her messages of either memes to make her laugh, or rambling about her latest metalwork.

She wouldn't mind living with them, but then again Seiren and her father had so much sunshine and energy in them despite the punk biker aesthetic they held that it should be illegal. 

As she climbed the stairs to her studio, she narrowed her eyes spotting someone waiting outside the door. Upon getting closer, and see the person spin around to face her, she sighed recognizing who it was.

A few inches taller than her, with long dark brown hair and doe sky blue eyes. It was her little cousin, Seiren. 

“Ren, whatcha doing?” Nora had only glanced at her as she started to unlock her door. “I wish you would have told me you were coming over, I would have picked up-” A barely audible sniffle caught her attention and she looked at Seiren again. The fifteen year old had her head down, and it finally clicked to her that the girl wasn’t as cheerful as she usually was. She bit her lip, and opened the door. “Come in, I’ll get you some cocoa.” The girl nodded at that, and Nora ushered her in before following after and locking the door.

She set her groceries down, putting the refrigerated items away, and started the kettle while Seiren sat on the couch. She heard more sniffling and Seiren kept rubbing at her eyes. Nora bit her lip once again, and moved to sit next to her. “What’s going on Seiren?”

She stayed quiet, starting to wring her hands, and Nora had half a mind to call her uncle to see if there was anything she needed to know. Though if Seiren had gone out of her way to talk to her like this, it had to be something serious. 

“...you were right about heroes.” Seiren weakly said. 

Nora blinked. The day Seiren got her acceptance letter into UA, the girl was beyond happy and energetic. She felt tired just watching her run around the place in excitement. Though Nora herself didn’t care for heroes, she begrudgingly supported her cousin, since she knew Seiren genuinely cared about people, and would be a hero for all the right reasons. Hearing her admit to what she denied for so long was a bit haunting.

“What brought this on?” 

Seiren didn’t verbally respond. She reached into her messenger bag, and pulled out a folded news article. Nora took a hold of it and saw it was on Stain. Before she could comment, Seiren looked up and she saw her watery eyes. “I recently had my internship. One of the offers I received after the festival...and it really opened my eyes.” She wiped her eyes. “Lionskin. You know him, right?”

Nora vaguely recalled that name. Lionskin, a pro hero whose quirk was Nemean Lion. He could turn into a monstrous lion with impenetrable fur, and when not walking around like that, he was a very handsome man with golden locks and dark amber eyes. He was certainly a favorite among hormonal fans due to said looks and aesthetic. Now that she thought about it, she remembered her uncle telling her about it.

“Seiren caught Lionskin’s attention at the sports festival. He sent her an offer, and you know how he works in the rougher district. Seiren wants to work in a tough area when she makes it as a pro hero, so she accepted! I’m so proud of her.”

“You interned with him, right? What happened?” Nora asked assuming something went wrong at the internship. Maybe she saw something that upset her while patrolling with him...but with the Stain article she was starting to put together it was something more.

Seiren looked miserably at her. “He isn’t a real hero...all he cared about was- He didn’t- He doesn’t care about people. Just fame and reputation. And with everything that happened with the Hero Killer…it just- it just opened my eyes.” Her eyes started watering again. “I hate the system. It makes me sick, it’s not fair that people who don’t care about anyone but themselves get to be heroes, they can call themselves that when they’re the furthest things from being a hero! B-But I still want to be a hero, I still want to be a good one, but how can I when- when-” 

Nora’s hands shot out and grabbed her shoulders. “Breathe.” Seiren sniffed and took a deep breath. The older woman sighed and pulled the girl in for a hug, feeling her heart going out to the young girl. 

“He called me naive...said that with heroes around, that should be plenty of inspiration for people to not mess up. He didn’t care for people who struggle, I asked about the prevention of the creation of criminals and he didn’t care...I don’t want to be a hero if that is what it means to be one now...All Might is just distracting everyone from things because he’s number one and a good hero.”

Well, you’re not wrong. People say we live peacefully because of All Might, so heroes don’t see the need to really care. Nora thought to herself. Seiren squeezed her arm.

“I thought about leaving UA.” Nora froze and looked down at the girl. “B-But deep down, I still want to be a hero, I don’t want to disappoint my classmates, dad, mom...you.” Seiren looked up at her. 

Nora ruffled her hair. "Seiren, you could never disappoint me. You've always been more like a baby sister to me. Do you drive me nuts sometimes? Yes, but I could never be disappointed. Your feelings are valid. And if you want to not be a hero, I will support you. But I know you. You want to be...well a real hero. You would be more upset if you left that path. If you gave up without giving it a real shot." 

"But what if I turn into someone like Lionskin?"

Nora snorted. "You won't. You're too cheerful, I mean who walks to school, or to the grocery store, singing Mr. Blue Sky and dancing all the way?" Seiren blushed in embarrassment. "And you know how ugly hero society is. You can do everything in your power to avoid contributing to it by being the hero you want to be.”

The kettle went off, so Nora went to go fix them two cups of cocoa. By the time she came back, Seiren was rubbing at her eyes, which were still puffy and red, but smiling a little. "You know, for someone who hates heroes...you've always been one to me. You always know what to say."

Nora set the mugs down and ruffled her hair again. "Its called I'm your family.”

"I've always looked up to you though. You always seem so cool…"

Nora definitely wouldn't mention she bumped her hip on the edge of the table last night, and sprawled out on the floor for a good five minutes. “Well, glad to know someone thinks I’m cool” She said with humored tone. 

They chatted a bit more, this time focusing on lighthearted topics. Seiren talked about her classmates, and the other students at UA. She also went on to say that she was making great progress with her quirk, and that maybe in the future the weight limit she had won’t be a problem. Nora of course jokingly asked if there was a boy she liked, and Seiren immediately tried smothering her with a pillow. 

When the cocoa was all but gone, and Seiren’s tears were dried and there was a real, genuine smile in her eyes and lips, it was getting late. 

“Alright, get your butt home. Gimme a hug first.” Nora squeezed Seiren into a hug, and watched as Seiren left with a promise to text her she was home safe. As she closed and locked the door, something began twisting uncomfortably in Nora.

The video that had been lingering in the back of her mind for a while started to make itself more prominent. 

“He enrolled in a private hero high school but was disappointed in the fundamentally depraved view of heroes taught by the educational system.”

“Someone must be dyed in blood...I must take back what it means to be a hero!”

She shook her head at herself. She already knew Stain was right about many things on hero society, but to hear about it firsthand from her cousin. To see Seiren’s spirit broken like this...her grip on the doorknob tightened until her knuckles turned bright white. I wonder why I encouraged Seiren to stay a hero…

Because she can be a real hero. You know it, and you want her to succeed in her dream. You on the other hand…you were never destined to be a hero. Ever since that accident in elementary school...that sense of being shunned by your parents, your peers. This society let you down from the start, and now it hurt the one person you love more than anything. So what are you going to do Nora? Continue your studies, pretend to be an average citizen and ignore your quirk...or do something about it?

She thought about it, and let go of the door knob. Clear the false heroes out of here, and make room for the real ones...tear down the society that has a  biased view of what heroes were…

Huh…

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nora found her thoughts continuing in her head. It was like a broken record, and the more it repeated, the more she started to nitpick internally at everything she saw daily. Her quirk, despite the control she managed to gain over it throughout the years, started to act up. As if reacting to how she felt, and she found herself glancing at her hands quite often, voluntarily letting the wisps of violet energy trail around her fingers.

She had to start doing her breathing exercises again, not wanting to draw attention if people figured out what her quirk was doing in response to her emotions. However things really began to unravel when she made a turn into an alley.

A luscious golden mane of hair, amber eyes, and a tall muscular figure. Hands with sharpened fingernails. A cocky smirk.

The Pro Hero Lionskin.

He was surrounded by beaten down thugs, and he was stretching his arms out. It was probably little effort for him to dispatch the thugs. When your quirk gave you the ultimate defense in the shape of a monstrous lion, fighting probably came easy. Nora found her feet starting to move towards him. He glanced her way.

“Heya there miss. Normally I would say it’s dangerous to be here, but I already took care of these guys. So you’re perfectly safe with me.” He winked but seemed a bit taken aback seeing the glare on her face. “Uh...anyways. I’m going to say it’s safe you’re not a fan.”

“Has anyone ever told you you’re a fake?” She blurted out.

His eyes widened but then he got an annoyed expression. “Oh, great. Please don’t tell me you’re one of Stain’s followers. The dude was working both sides of crazy street and now he practically has a cult.” He shrugged and turned to face her fully. “The whole real hero thing comes from people who read too many comics as a kid. A job is a job. People become heroes for the pay and fame, because who wouldn’t want to be seen as amazing? That’s reality. People who work their asses off for little to no compensation are just stupid.” He narrowed his eyes at her. “So yeah. I enjoy being a so called fake hero if it means I get what I want out of life. I don’t know why people like you are so uptight over it. I mean, criminals are getting thrown behind bars either way.”

He made a move to walk past her but she stepped in his way. “What about when a young hero student asked how to make things better? What happens when you want to discover why people become...well that?” She pointed to the knocked out thugs. “Do you just not do anything, because you work for a paycheck?”

Lionskin really looked irritated now, his amber eyes flashing and  his lips pulled back in a snarl, showing sharpened canines. “Listen lady, you’re pissing me off. I got to let the cops know where I’m at so they can haul these low-lives to jail. If you don’t shut up, you can go with them.”

“I can, can I?” Nora asked. Her eyes narrowed. “Threatening a civilian because they made you angry? Well that isn’t very heroic is it?” She couldn’t help the sarcastic comment that flew out of her mouth.

His temper reached his limit, and he got in her face. “Listen here. I’m a pro hero, what exactly are you? Nothing. I don’t care who you are because you’re a nobody. You can sit back and judge me all you want, but by the end of the day I’m somebody in the public’s eye. You’re just another face in the crowd looking up at heroes like me.”

For some reason, the only thing that flashed through Nora’s mind was her aunt. Seiren’s mother. The kind woman who loved her niece despite her quirk, the one who used her iron quirk to fix things. The one who died because of a hero’s grave mistake. Another face in the crowd...another innocent who was lost in an accident that never should have happened.

The only thing Nora knew next was her fist colliding right into his face. He stumbled backwards, her hands sparking with violet energy, and she heard a loud roar. Her eyes widened. I just assaulted a pro. Oh shit, bad idea. Bad idea. She literally threw herself to the side when a lion the size of a fucking tank launched at her.

She spun around and got a good look at Lionskin’s form. He was...well definitely more terrifying in person than he was on the news. His claws and teeth looked way more lethal a lion’s ought to be.  He growled at her and jumped at her again, and she rolled out of the way again and continued backing up. Violet energy sparked around her hands again, and when he lunged at her again he slipped and ended up skidding on his stomach. She looked at the building behind her and moved away from it, her fingertips flicking out energy before the structure gave out and the wall crashed right on top of the lion.

Nora Nakano

Quirk: Chaos. She emits energy that causes bad luck and disrupts her surroundings to her favor.

She didn’t bother celebrating yet, knowing that the hero’s defense was too good to be taken down like that. Lionskin came through the rubble, looking roughed up but not injured at all. He started to stalk around in a circle, and Nora didn’t take her eyes off him. He then roared and lunged at her. This time he moved much, much faster and she  barely managed to get out of the way, and this time one of his claws grazed her leg. She screamed, feeling fresh blood trickle out. 

She threw out another hex of bad energy, and it barely stunned him for a moment. Her eyes landed on a discarded iron chain not too far from a knocked out thug. Quickly forming a plan, she threw out a hex to a nearby fire escape, the ladder undoing and slammed right into Lionskin’s face. He roared out in discomfort and annoyance, shaking his head which gave her a few precious seconds to cartwheel to the chain, grab it, and then hide it behind her back as she whistled mockingly.

LIonskin whirled around, charging at her. What surprised her was his quick shift to human form, and he tackled her to the ground. “That’s it you little freak! I’ve had it with you.” He raised his fist, presumably to knock her out, but he made the mistake of not pinning her arms down. Whether that was his own mistake or the luck of her quirk, she took advantage of it by jerking her head to the side, wrapping the chain around his wrist, and sliding her leg free so she could kick him in the chest.

He shifted again, causing her grip on the chain to loosen due to the size change but that was fine. He tried to jump on top of her but she rolled out of the way and he slammed his own muzzle into the hard ground. She tried not to laugh at the corny chaos her quirk was causing as she flung the chain out, it wrapping around his neck. She then pulled as hard as she could, the lion slipping again as he tried to get to all four paws. His air was starting to cut off, and it wouldn’t take long for him to pass out.

Lionskin shifted back to his human form, giving the chain enough slack for him to slip out and grab onto Nora, slamming her into the ground. His hand grabbed her throat and her eyes widened.

“You little Stain wannabe, you really thought you could take me out?!” His eyes were filled with rage. “Don’t fuck with me, lowlife!” HIs body started to shift again, jaws stretching out to roar at her face. Nora vaguely remembered one of his special moves was using his incredibly loud roar to stun people, to make it easier to apprehend them. Lions already had loud roars, so she could only imagine how loud he would be. Her free hand blindly reached out, and a metal pipe grazed her fingers, rolling into her grasp. Just as he was about to come down on her, she moved.

And the pipe went straight into his mouth, through the roof and right into the brain.

Invincible on the outside...not so much on the inside.

Nora felt hot blood drip onto her arm so she did her best to shove him off her, his lion form switching to his human form as the light left his eyes. She scooted backwards and stared...realizing fully what just happened.

She had murdered a pro hero. Sirens started to sound, and the only thing she could do was climb to her feet and quickly run.

[lowcarbnutrients]

Is the Keto Diet Healthy? Or Is the Keto Diet Even Safe?

Is the keto diet healthy?

Every time a brand-new method of consuming hits the scene, there's conflicting info concerning its implications for your health.

So what's the reality about keto? Can it actually be healthy and balanced to begin eating more fat to lose weight, while also eliminating entire food teams like fruits and veggies? As well as is it just one more diet regimen craze like Atkins or the Mediterranean diet?

Whether you're investigating a keto diet on your own, or would like to know just how to reply to the concerns of a curious (or slightly judge-y) colleague or relative, today's guide will help you discover the fact. Below, you'll address the mystery and also break down everything you need to know.

What Is the Keto Diet?

Is the Keto Diet Healthy?

The Wrong Way to Follow Keto

The Right Way to Follow Keto

3 Common Blunders Individuals Make When Starting A Keto Diet

First, What Is the Keto Diet?

The keto diet plan is a high-fat, very low carb diet. The goal of the keto diet is to help you be much healthier while simultaneously going into ketosis, a metabolic state where your body ends up being starved of glucose, forcing it to burn ketones for fuel.

How does this happen?

Sugar and also carbohydrates are converted right into glucose by the liver. When you quit eating sugar as well as carbohydrates (or minimize them significantly) your body first begins burning all the sugar it had actually stored (called glycogen). When it consumes up all your glycogen, your body transitions to a fat burning state, shedding body as well as nutritional fat (now in abundant supply since you're eating a high-fat diet regimen). Your liver breaks down fats right into ketone bodies, thereby utilizing it for power [*].

But Is the Ketogenic Diet Plan Healthy?

A low-carb, high fat diet like keto has been shown to aid individuals slim down as well as experience many positive long-lasting wellness benefits, such as:

Rapid fat loss

Steady energy levels

Lower blood sugar

Improved cholesterol numbers

Improved mental clearness and also a decreased danger of Alzheimer' s

All these perks sound healthy, ideal? Therefore, keto must be a healthy diet plan to follow, right?

The answer is, it depends.

Almost All Diets Can be Healthy or Undesirable, Depending on Your Approach

Here's an instance making use of a various diet regimen: If you go vegan, you quit consuming all meat and dairy. Presume what's likewise vegan? Oreos, french fries and Doritos Spicy Sweet Chili chips. Though these extremely refined, unhealthy convenience food are technically vegan-approved, they're still bad for you.

And if someone following a vegan diet just fills on these poor food choices, their wellness will certainly suffer as well as they'll really feel even worse than when they started. The exact same scenario can occur with a keto diet.

The Wrong Way to Follow Keto

Just because somebody is complying with a keto diet regimen doesn' t mean they are any type of much healthier than prior to they started.

In similarly a vegan can fill up on scrap food, individuals can - and also typically do - make the incorrect selections when they first start a ketogenic diet plan. While it's flawlessly keto-friendly to eat a pound of butter and also four bags of pork peels everyday as well as absolutely nothing else, you will not see renovations in your health by doing so.

The Right Way to Follow Keto

Ketosis must be seen as a tool to assist you achieve far better wellness as opposed to a wonder cure.

Ketosis can't function for your health without you joining in to assist. Right here's what you need to do:

Your first focus should be removing all the junk food from your diet

Then, calculate your keto macros

Meal prep keto-friendly meals around your macros to set yourself up for success and also avoid cheating

Measure your ketone levels during your very first weeks on keto to discover which foods put you in ketosis and also track how you feel overall

Start exercising at the very least 30 mins five times a week

Log between 7-9 hrs of sleep each night

Work on lowering your stress and anxiety levels

Nailing these actions is difficult, however it's the best method to make keto job for you.

3 Unhealthy, Usual Mistakes That Individuals Make When Beginning the Keto Diet Plan

If you're not mindful, these troubles can inflict havoc on your health, even if you do reach ketosis and are consuming keto-friendly meals.

# 1: Not Getting Sufficient Fiber, Vitamins or Micronutrients

A massive issue for several ketoers, particularly newbies, is not getting adequate fiber, vitamins or micronutrients.

Just due to the fact that your macros don't include fiber unless you're subtracting for net carbs doesn't mean it must be ignored.

Meeting your fiber goals is one method to remain routine (i.e., avoiding irregular bowel movements) and also fuller for longer.

Most Americans on the Common American Diet (SAD) get their fiber from carbs in bread, fruits and also veggies - many of which are also carb-laden to get or maintain you in ketosis.

Solution: Eat More Low Carb Veggies and also Supplement Your Greens

Just because you're consuming high amounts of fat, it does not indicate you ought to reduce out entire foods like low carbohydrate vegetables.

Refer to this guide to see which veggies you need to consume on keto.

A excellent regulation of thumb is to take in veggies that contain 5 grams of carbs or much less. Fill out on leafy eco-friendly vegetables like kale, spinach as well as arugula, cruciferous veggies like cabbage and cauliflower, as well as various other low carbohydrate veggies like onions and also garlic.

If you don't like veggies as well as find it challenging to satisfy your micronutrient requirements, you can supplement with a high-grade micronutrient blend that includes antioxidant-rich plant extracts (sans hidden carbs), like our Perfect Keto Micros Greens Powder.

# 2: Not Getting Enough Electrolytes

When you switch to a keto diet as well as drastically cut your intake of carbohydrates as well as refined foods, your salt and various other electrolyte levels are naturally going to decrease.

This happens because each glycogen gram is stored with 3 grams of water, and also when your body burns all your glycogen, all that water that was storing it likewise gets cleared out [*].

When this happens, you can create an electrolyte imbalance. As well as if you're not making an effort to restore these essential shops, you'll likely feel signs and symptoms such as:

A racing heartbeat

Heart palpitations

Feeling dizzy, shaky or weak

Leg cramps and charley horses

Constipation

Bloating

Not exactly the photo of perfect health and wellness you hoped for.

Solution: Consume These 4 Minerals and also Usage Supplements

It's important to take note of your electrolyte degrees and particularly focus on obtaining sufficient salt, potassium, calcium and also magnesium.

You can discover much more concerning electrolytes on keto in this guide.

Here's how to get more of these minerals:

Sodium: Sea salt

Potassium: Salmon, nuts, avocados, leafy green as well as mushrooms

Calcium: milk foods, leafy environment-friendlies, broccoli and also anchovies

Magnesium: leafy greens and nuts

If you still deal with obtaining adequate electrolytes, include an electrolyte supplement to your diet.

# 3: You're Just Concentrating on Your Diet

Fixing your diet plan is the foundation for ideal health and wellness, but you need to remember it's not the only variable. From dentist visits to yoga classes, going keto is just among numerous excellent choices you can make for your body. You still need to place in the initiative to look after all the various other jobs needed to keep your body healthy.

Since this point is so essential, it's worth increasing on next.

Why Going Keto Is Insufficient For Optimal Health

Following a keto diet regimen to a T yet without exercising, not resting sufficient, and smoking cigarettes and drinking frequently isn't the exact same as following keto while functioning out consistently and sleeping 8 hrs per night.

If whatever else bordering your diet remains in mishandled mayhem, reaching ketosis will have little to no effect on your general health and wellness. At that rate, you may not even have the ability to notice the many benefits of restricting your carbs and eating healthier fats like olive oil, coconut oil and grass fed butter.

That's why you have to likewise consider what else you're performing in addition to keto.

For this diet to function in a safe means that advertises health, you need to at the same time pay focus to these 4 essential areas overall [*]:

Nutrition

Movement

Stress

Sleep

#1: Are You Moving Enough?

No matter which diet you comply with, it's important you obtain enough movement daily. This does not need to be in the form of high strength exercises or a 5K run each morning either. Instead, it simply means to start paying focus to the length of time you have actually been resting and also make a mindful effort to consistently stand up and also get moving.

Go for a walk after work or throughout your lunch break. Find a new workout class to attempt. Obtain your blood pumping with 15-20 minutes of energetic or vibrant stretches. As long as you do this a few times a week, you'll be in excellent shape.

# 2: Your Anxiety Degrees Are Explosive

Even if you're rigorous with your diet regimen and also you exercise frequently, if you do not have your stress degrees in control, your health will take a hit.

Here's why: Tension generates a surge in tension hormones such as cortisol, which, when elevated too expensive, can bring about [*]:

Lowered immune response

Depression

Mental illness

Weight gain

High high blood pressure and also cholesterol levels

Heart disease

Trouble remembering things

Not just that, researchers found tension spikes swelling [*] When this occurs, your body can not reduce inflammation appropriately and you raise your risk of creating heart problem, autoimmune problems and asthma.

One of the biggest benefits of a keto diet is its anti-inflammatory results. When you're excessively worried, you're entirely negating this perk.

Meditation, journaling, yoga exercise, stretching and attaching with nature are some simple methods to do just that. You can begin with as low as 5-10 mins a day so there are no reasons not to get started.

#3: Are You Sleeping Enough?

You need rest-- deep, corrective, relaxing rest. You need the sort of rest that recharges both your body and also your brain. As well as you need a good quantity of it each day, otherwise you'll toss your entire system out of whack.

After all, it just takes one poor evening of poor quality sleep to spoil your insulin sensitivity for the following day [*] If that happens, you will not be able to get to ketosis as well as you'll send out vital hormonal agents out of equilibrium, including cortisol, like we simply talked about. Ketosis motivates better rest top quality, however you still require to log enough hours.

Is Keto Safe? Four Misconceptions About the Dangers of Ketosis

There are lots of false impressions about ketosis as well as its safety and security. Below, you'll discover each of these, and also exactly how they originated.

The four most common misunderstandings of the threats of ketosis consist of:

Keto causes heart disease

Keto is not safe on your kidneys

Keto will certainly trigger healthy and balanced muscle mass to wither away

Keto causes ketoacidosis

Misconception # 1: Keto Creates Heart Disease

This is an usual presumption that stemmed in the 1970s, which brought about the American Heart Organization's cautions against saturated fats like coconut oil.

Decades back, it was believed saturated fats found in red meat and butter caused high cholesterol, clogged arteries as well as a host of various other health implications that place individuals at cardio risk.

This created the low fat diet plan to surge in appeal, putting low-fat items (like premade meals and fat-free milk items) in shop shelves. After years of intake, an intriguing fad happened: Even when Americans drastically decreased their fat consumption, weight problems skyrocketed.

Since then, the initial studies against saturated fats have been assessed as well as recreated, and also now we know there's no significant danger between saturated fats as well as heart disease [*].

Misconception # 2: Keto Is Not Safe for Your Kidneys

More than 100,000 individuals are identified with kidney failing in the United States [*] This condition is when your kidneys can no much longer correctly remove waste.

Some people think that ketosis triggers kidney rocks - a problem that establishes when a mass of crystals develop in your urinary system - as a result of enhanced healthy protein consumption.

This is untrue for a number of factors:

A low carbohydrate keto diet regimen decreases LDL cholesterol-- which enhances kidney function.

A keto diet, even one that is high in healthy protein, has been shown to help people with kidney condition. Studies have actually proven that a low carb, high protein diet plan can lower the price of mortality in individuals with chronic kidney condition by lowering LDL, HDL and also insulin levels [*][*][*].

Eating extra protein doesn't have a negative impact in people who have typical kidney function. Lowered protein usage may just be useful in clients with advanced persistent kidney condition [*].

Misconception # 3: Ketosis Causes Muscular Tissue Depletion

In ketosis, your body burns its fat stores or dietary fat for energy - not your muscle.

As long as you are eating sufficient calories and adequate healthy protein, your body will not damage down lean cells for energy.

Misconception # 4: Keto Creates Ketoacidosis

Ketoacidosis is an uncommon yet significant problem that results from dangerously high levels of ketones and blood sugar level, creating the blood to end up being acidic. Nevertheless, when this happens, it affects primarily individuals detected with Type 1 diabetic issues and Type 2 diabetes mellitus, although it can likewise be brought on by alcohol addiction and an overactive thyroid.

If you are not diabetic, your risk of developing ketoacidosis is incredibly low and also shouldn't be a concern.

Mystery Fixed: Is Keto Healthy?

Here are the facts:

A keto diet plan is helpful for lowering inflammation, protecting against heart problem, enhancing your energy, boosting weight loss, and boosting your cognitive function - but only if you do it the right way.

Ketosis is a device you can utilize to boost your general wellness, not a wonder treatment. You require to concentrate on food quality (not simply hitting your keto macros), obtaining sufficient trace elements rest quality, movement, and also stress to reap the most advantages out of a keto diet.

And do not bother with the myths - if you're not diabetic person or have significant kidney problems, going keto will not create kidney stones or ketoacidosis.

As for your muscular tissues, they will remain undamaged and a keto diet will in fact protect them from damaging down since ketones are muscle-sparing.

So indeed, keto can be extremely healthy when you concentrate on what matters. Doing keto while adhering to undesirable practices will not do much for your wellness, yet when you combine keto with other healthy and balanced habits and concentrate on high quality nutrition, you'll enhance health and wellness and well being exponentially.

If you would certainly such as to find out more about the health benefits of ketosis, this guide is calling your name.

[sesshatetsuko]

Ruroken Secret Santa's gift

Aaaaah I'm so late, I wanted to write a short story and it turned out to be more than I excepted (I definitely don't know how to make things simple)!

@sileavatar, dear friend you are my secret santa recipient! :) To make amends for being overdue I've got pretty much everything from the prompt (Kenshin / KenKao fluff / badass hiten mitsurugi, along with Sano, Megumi, & possibly Soujiro stuff...), added lots of laughter and a slight touch of nsfw (no lemon, tumblr if you read me), put that in the holy Santa cooking pot and... Here we go! ;)

This is my Ruroken Christmas gift, I hope you'll enjoy it!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

~°~Santa works in mysterious ways ~°~

December of the 16th year of Meiji era, Tokyo district, somewhere near the Sumida shores...

His hands were beginning to turn to a bluish colour, gently frozen by the air of winter, but he did not care. While the very first flakes of the season were lining the landscape with a soft and icy film, for once the former Ishin Shishi was not tormented by the languor inevitably accompanying the arrival of the snow, whose cold perfume still evoked that of the white plum and plunged him into a sad nostalgia. No, his mind was momentarily cornered by way more concrete considerations...

...Kneeling since dawn in the alleys of leafless trees leaning nonchalantly above the water, Kenshin Himura was carefully replaying a scene that had taken place not far from here, a few months ago...

["So... How was this one's strength?" Unlike his friendly smile, the samurai was feeling some anxiety. The assistant instructor of the Kamiya dojo was standing in front of him, honorable loser of a challenge that had the undeclared aim of testing his strength.

"Well ..." Yahiko massaged his still sore fingers, taking the time to ponder his sentence. He knew that the last disciple of Hiten Mitsurugi was a master in the art of analyzing his adversary, and that he would read on his face or in his very words what he would choose to keep silent. "Like Kaoru said, I think your stamina is down, but ..." He gave him his most confident grim. "... your upper limit of strength is still the same!"

"Kaoru-dono said that ... why?" Kenshin paused for a moment, the unintentional insinuation behind the phrase hitting him right when the following words escaped his lips. "I can't tell how she would know it, this one has never crossed swords with her."]

Even if the conversation had been rather comical at this point, a much less innocent thought had been born in him that day. Of course, they had never broached the sulfurous topic again, but the uncomfortable idea remained ever since stubbornly stuck in a corner of his mind, growing with the length of winter's night.

Like Kaoru said, I think your stamina is down

It is true that his joints were often crying of the intensive use he had made of them during his tumultuous teenage years, that his scars were burning every day with the fire of old wounds, that his body too many times pushed to its last entrenchments was struggling to provide as much energy as before, and that he was feeling much more tired overall. It is also true that the passionate evenings between newlyweds had been gradually replaced by long hours cradling their little boy, that since his birth Shinta was relentlessly soliciting the affection of his parents, that between the chores at home for him and the teachings at the dojo for her, they did not have much time to be alone in each other's arms, but...

Am I... not enough for her?

The cruellest doubt for a man's pride, at least what little he still held, had then slowly crept into his tormented brain. His only experience in this area came down to his previous wife, married at an age when his body was at the peak of its form and hormones were in full swing, so he wasn't sure what to think of himself on such disturbing subject. Considering his life so far had been a bitter mixture of struggling for his own survival, learning kenjutsu in order to lead a hopeless fight for justice, itself resulting in a decision to sacrifice his body and sword for a redemption quest, he had never granted any interest in those hands-on questions. Worse, he was even relatively helpless on the matters of this kind, having known neither the education of a father in his childhood nor close friends to share trivia during his adolescence, and having afterwards lived the majority of his adult life by roaming alone on the ungrateful paths of Japan, observing the other living souls from a chosen distance...

...Is she unhappy about this situation?

Knowing the generosity of his wife, it was quite possible that she had not wished to raise said intimate and thorny issue with him, preferring to keep secret her regrets to avoid hurting him with an evil that possessed nor culprit nor remedy. Yet the mere thought that his beloved could be dissatisfied because of him was simply unbearable. As uncomfortable as this problem was for Kenshin Himura, he had to find a solution.

Who could I ask for such a thing?

Broaching the topic with his master was out of the question, for he already knew enough shameful anecdotes about his disciple to feed heated conversations for a lifetime, and he had no doubt he would not fail to use this one wisely. Yahiko was way too young and inexperienced. Saito... well Saito was not an option. Just thinking about a conversation of this nature between them was odd, not to mention that besides not being really friends there was still a remnant of unsettled Bakumatsu's rivalry between the two men. After careful consideration, the only available option was thus...

...His best friend, bar mate, street brawler and high-flying client of the red lantern districts...

Sanosuke Sagara.

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Please, let him be discrete...

"...You need WHAT?"

Clearly, prayers wouldn't save him. Sanosuke had almost yelled in the dull Izakaya, spitting half of his sake on the table. The redhead subsequently lowered his voice, almost whispering this time.

"Advice. Just a piece of advice."

This moment was too good to let him get away with it so easily. A sex-talk with Kenshin was more than the brawler had ever asked for Christmas. Not that he wanted to learn anything about the private parts of his friend's life, but the mere idea of teasing the so-discreet wanderer about this was just as fun as imagining the damn wolf dressed up like a bunny girl.

"Whaddya mean a bit of advice? It doesn't work down there?"

He took down another drink and let his gaze suggestively trail upon the samurai's lower abdomen.

"What?!" Panic rushed through him instantly. "No, it's not that!"

Sano let out a sigh, part of him relieved. The willingly bold question had been half serious. Knowing all the injuries the former Ishin Shishi had endured, he could very well have received a misplaced stab that would have disabled him here... and Megumi would certainly not have broached such problem with his friends.

"Then what it is it?" he grinned again.

Of course, he was making it harder than it already was. Kenshin inhaled deeply.

"This one is... not sure that he is..." Another heavy breathing, and a glass promptly emptied. "...well, gives her satisfaction."

Sanosuke stared at him, dumbfounded. He had expected about anything but that. Judging by the incredible ways his gifted friend could move during fights and how his delicate features could sometimes make him look as attractive as a dolled up geisha -even a man could admit it-, he had always figured the samurai would be a kind of "sex God". Guess life can prove you wrong.

For all he could do, Sanosuke burst out into laughter.

"So, d'ya wanna me to teach you some moves?" He accented the last word with his hands.

Could he actually learn the legendary assassin anything about motion techniques? Truth be told, he had probably more experience concerning women with his saucy way of life than his reclusive mate.

"Sano..."

Kenshin's only answer was to stare at the ground. With his head down and long ocher locks hiding his eyes, his mouth closed in a thin line, he looked almost downhearted. The former Sekihotai handed him another cup of rice alcohol, feeling compassionate.

He's really brooding about this...

"Yeah yeah I get it, buddy. Girls can be so complicated..." He hastily refilled his own glass, already empty. "Sometimes they let ya believe it was good even when it's not. Ya never know when they're really pleased..."

"Wait, you mean that..."

Things were getting from bad to worse, as a new depressing idea was crossing the wanderer's mind. He had never thought about this eventuality. In a relationship, especially as far as love was concerned, Kenshin Himura was nothing but sheer honesty.

Could Kaoru-dono... be also faking enjoyment? He swallowed his saké in one gulp. He was such an idiot. How could he have not figured that before? Maybe even she's faking it since the beginning. And he believed he was good at mind-reading... He wanted to slam his head straight against the wall right now. A hundred of scenarios, each one worse than the last, were playing in his brain.

From the other end of the wooden table, the redhead seemed so lost that a different but no less alarming doubt seized Sanosuke.

"Hang on a minute, don't tell me ya dunno how to do... Kenji DOES come from ya, right?"

Hell, the little redhead was the spitting image of his father and there weren't two guys looking like Battosai around Tokyo or the whole country. He had even confused them when he had met the brat for the first time.

*sigh*

Kenshin finally lifted his head from his hands, looking exasperated.

"Please, Sano... This one needs help."

Sanosuke grinned anew. One more teasing couldn't hurt...

"Ya mean help with Jou-chan? Geez the missy's body's grown more adult since her baby and all, sure I could provide ya som-"

"-Stop that. Now." he snapped dryly.

"But..."

"Cut it out."

The icy tone and the suddenly squinted eyes of the samurai finished choking the phrase in his throat. Apparently, he didn't appreciate humour on the subject. Not even a hint.

"WOW wow wow dude I was just jokin'..."

Sanosuke immediately held his hands up in surrender. Although he did like the fighting, Kenshin was certainly not someone he wanted to mess with anew - even for a joke -, furthermore when his friend seemed particularly sullen in addition to being slightly drunk. The former Sekihotai took over a straight face.

Enough fun, he's really nervous 'bout it...

For Kenshin to come and ask him personally, he was requesting serious advice.

"Look, if ya really wanna know..." He motioned the keeper to bring another bottle and wrapped his arm around his friend's shoulders. "To be sure to spend a crazy night with yar sweetheart, there's only one solution..."

The samurai was staring at him intently.

"...Have a couple of drinks, and let it out."

Why did he ever ask Sanosuke?

Kenshin emptied another cup without a second glance.

"Are you sure about that?"

"No more inhibitions. No more problems. Believe me."

"...I'm not inhibited." he went on, irritation replacing doubt anew.

"Trust me, I said. I know my way around women..."

A few other glasses plus a wink of his best friend, and Kenshin Himura was up for the suggested plan. Serious matters did sometimes need unhealthy solutions.

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This was a failure.

More specifically, it was the most embarrassing failure of his life. Even thought his face showed nothing, deep down he was mortified.

"Don't worry, it's all right..." the young kendoka tried to reassure him, seeing the sweat drops that had gathered on his temples.

"I -This one is sorry, Kaoru-dono" was all he could manage to stammer. If lightning could strike him here and now, he would gladly welcome it. He was anything but a proud man, and he thought he had already known the lowest shame possible when he was training with his master -including nonetheless having suffered from nocturnal urinary accidents until he was eleven years old, and getting intoxicated with hallucinogenic mushrooms-, but apparently - thank God - he was wrong.

This was far worst.

Kaoru, who seemed to feel his anxiety, was giving her best on her side to appease the desperate husband while touching his arm soothingly. This was certainly not a situation she had expected.

"I told you not to be sorry, these things happen to many other men too-" She swallowed loudly, realizing at the same time how suspicious her sentence sounded right now and that she, in fact, had no idea about it. She did only have intercourse with her husband, and it was the first time he couldn't maintain his strength enough to reach his own end. "...Well at least, I'm sure it does"

He didn't answer, still at loss of words as for what to say. His eyebrows had creased hard, a sure sign that he would soon be lost in harsh brooding.  

"...maybe there is something that upsets you? ...anything?"

If she kept on talking this way, his brows would definitely end up forming a single line on his forehead.

"Listen Kenshin, I don't care. It doesn't matter."

Recognizing the fidget in his wife's voice, he tried his best to gather a smile but stayed frozen in his frowning position, naked body still half-uncovered.

"Ha-hai. Thank you."

His muscles were uncomfortably tense, and if it was not for his very minimalist outfit, you'd think he had just come out of a clash. Clearly, he did care more than enough about the situation and no matter what she could say he wouldn't take that burden off himself. She tried another approach to get him to confide.

"...Is it because you don't like my body?" She feigned hesitation, suddenly clutching the sheets over her slender breasts. "I know it has changed since the pregnancy."

"...Huh?"

He lifted his crimson hair, taken aback.

"...Oh." He hadn't thought she could see things like that either. Sanosuke was right about women being complicated. "Of course not. Not at all." He hurried to answer, knowing this was not appropriate. Better that than letting his wife believe that she was not the holy treasure she meant to him. Kaoru was his life. The very reason why he was still mingling to other human beings after the Rakuninmura incident.  

"Okay then..."

At least it's not that... but something's definitely bothering him.

The young kendoka could guess that the apparent "failure" did actually hide something else by the closed expression on her husband's face. Just below, the atrocious bite that had taken away a piece of his flesh and left an irregular distortion that went up along his neck. She let her eyes wander in the light of the paper lantern. Almost no part of his body was spared from the aftermath of his fighting. Those were as many times he had close calls with death...

"...Don't overthink it too much, you're probably just tired. We'll try again another day."

Kaoru stroke with fingertips the cruciform scar that was burrowing his cheek. As soon as her skin made contact with his, the face of the wanderer softened and he returned to the present moment. She was such a loving wife. What she could find in a despicable man -or so he thought- like him, he would never know. And here she was, comforting her husband after he had miserably failed...

Then it struck him.

I could at least do that for her.

There was no way his beloved wouldn't be satisfied.

"Do you want me to..." He put his hand tenderly over her neck while his deep amethyst gaze was lingering on her body. "...take care of you?"

He whispered the last part of his sentence in the hollow of her ear, rubbing it with his lips. The sight of the finely chiselled muscles of the torso leaning towards her and the firm contact of his clever fingers was enough for Kaoru to feel the flame of desire rekindling in her. Kenshin had always been totally devoted to her and the proposal was far from unpleasant, but...

"It's ok for me. Have some rest, anata."

... in the light of the ever-too-large dark circles that were digging the top of his cheeks, and of the slightly shifted position of his body on the futon indicating that he was leaning on his joints as little as possible -probably because of the pain that it was no doubt provoking- she decided otherwise.

He's exhausted, that's for sure...

She knew that her husband was usually a light-sleeper, moreover when he had something in his mind. If she could not help him fall into the arm of Morpheus with endorphins, she did not want to delay his sleep any more simply for her own desire, and thus decided to let him have a decent night rest. With that, Kaoru kissed her husband on the forehead and went back to bed, unaware that her answer had only strengthened his doubts...

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Himura was walking down the snowy streets of early winter, heading for the Oguni clinic. He had left as soon as the sun had shown its pinkish rays, making sure he would be the first patient there. The surrounding houses were radiating shimmering golden, red and green colors, adorned with unusual long snakes of paper as well as strangely decorated balls of glass. Since the opening of the country to foreigners, their influence was gradually increasing in the international showcase that the new capital stood for -renamed Tokyo after the Bakumatsu-, especially during winter.

I don't get why these short-cut fir tops are so popular... he mused distractedly. Although he couldn't care less about it, he still did not understand the attraction of his compatriots for Western traditions any more than the fashions of the new Meiji era.

Whatever.

His mind was far from such cosmetic considerations. Ever since last night, he was sure there was a problem with his body. This had never happened before. How was he even supposed to solve it? He could treat cut injuries -it had saved his own life countless times-, had experience with herbal remedies for minor diseases -thanks to his cover as a pharmacist during Bakumatsu-, but a matter of this kind... And what if it wasn't working anymore now? It could be the logical outcome of his numerous injuries, judging by how quickly his body had been deteriorating these last years. Worse, his wife had actually refused to let him take care of her pleasure -probably because she thought he wasn't healthy enough for it... or maybe was it because he just wasn't good?-, whereas at this point he almost needed to do at least that for her.

...Is it me or fate has decided to go against anything I do these days ?

Even if Kaoru would be gentle enough to accept a crippled man like him, he wouldn't accept his beloved to be deprived of such a basic need. She was young, beautiful and... well... alluring. Kaoru Kamiya deserved better than the half-man, ex-assassin and unemployed husband he considered himself as. And the more he was thinking about that problem the more he feared it would happen again. This whole story was beginning to upset him to no end.

He needed professional advice this time.

Kenshin knocked on the doors of the little clinic with more strength than he intended to. This morning, his irritation made it difficult to carry the innocent wanderer's mask he usually wore.

"Ken-san, it's been a long time!"

The graceful features of Dr Takani immediately lit up at the redhead's entrance into the hospice. Since her return from Aizu, with the arrival of countless patients who had followed her growing reputation, she had had too little opportunities to go back and check her old friends.

"Ohayo, Megumi-dono."

He forced a smile on his face.

"What brings you here? Is everyone doing well? Is Kenji growing up properly?"

Megumi instinctively began to collect the stuff of her first aid kit, a reflex she had acquired at the mere sight of a visitor from Kamiya dojo which had often proved providential.

"Hai, please do not worry. Everyone is fine, that they are."

"Oooh you've come to catch up with me then?"

Her smile grew bigger. Kenshin Himura, coming only to chat with her? That would be a first.

"No -yes! ...I mean, not only?" he stammered.

Yeah, I'd have bet. She could smell health problems a mile away.

"So...?"

The wanderer drew an imperceptible shaky breath. In front of the unusual silence that followed his answer, the doctor quickly dropped her inro to undertake a methodical interrogation instead. Kenshin could be as impenetrable as a fortress, and one can make no diagnosis without proper anamnesis.

"...Is it a personal problem then?"

"Hum... Well, that is..."  Another sigh. This. Is. So. Embarrassing. "...Yes."

Megumi immediately felt her heart squeeze. The samurai had suffered so many severe wounds that she now feared for his life whenever he needed her contribution.

I had warned Kaoru that he could not stand many other hitches...

"What is it?" She continued, scanning his body at once. Far too underweighted for a doctor's taste.

"This one is having trouble with..."

Tell her.

Oh, God, he was so uncomfortable. The words just wouldn't come out of his mouth no matter how hard he was trying, he had to refrain from anxiously grinding his hands and he was beginning to sweat in his back. Things were starting out pretty bad.

"You can entrust me with anything, Ken-san."

Feeling his hesitation, Megumi put a hand on his arm. His reaction was just making her all the more worried. What was happening that he couldn't even bring himself to tell her, after everything they had been through? 

"Listen, Ken-san, you must tell me. Especially if it concerns your health"

"..."

The doctor gazed at him straight in the eye, looking decidedly serious. He released a heavy sigh. To hell with pride or bashfulness, she was a medic and he needed treatment.

Speak, Himura.

"...This one is having trouble with... hum..." he couldn't help the blush on his cheeks "...physical relationships, that he is."

Physic- whaat?

Megumi instantly hid her surprise behind her well-honed doctor's routine, putting both her hands on the exam table.

...Am I hearing right?!

"You mean, intercourse?"

He nodded, sweeping imperceptibly the crimson locks concealing his eyes. The doctor merely acquiesced while making sure to maintain a perfectly professional attitude.

"I see." After all, it was not the first time she was facing this type of request, and friend or not, Kenshin remained a patient first and foremost. He deserved to be treated the same way as any other. "It's a good thing that you have come to see me instead of Sanosuke."

Who knows what twisted advice that stupid rooster-head could give him.

Himura cringed inwardly. There was no point in telling her his unfortunate experience of the day before. This definitely wouldn't help with the diagnosis.

"Anyway I'm glad that you're trusting me on such matters," she added, proud of that small victory. Kaoru had a husband, Sanosuke had a best friend, and she... well, had a whole body to treat for herself.

She grabbed a box of powdered gloves. "Do you want me to examine you?"

Early prostatic troubles could begin around his age and disrupt the performance of the organs surrounding it.

Himura swallowed. Even if she had already seen him basically nude while treating him after Shishio or Enishi's onslaught, this was a whole different context.

"I-I don't think it would be necessary."

The doctor crossed her arms on her chest. "Then you'll have to explain to me a little more. Did any of your abdominal scars reopen, are your pelvic joints painful, swollen or hot?"

"No. It just... doesn't work." He thrust his hands into his sleeves, clearly upset.

"Mmhm."

Since the beginning of this conversation, Megumi was practically undressing him with her eyes. The redhead  had still not looked up, and seemed as uncomfortable as the first time she had to wash his entire body during the long convalescence that had followed the confrontation against his alter ego in Kyoto. Kenshin Himura was, as often, an enigma. But it was rare for him to show so much of his feelings.

If all this was related to the after effects of his wounds, the first signs would have appeared much earlier ...

"Has it been like this for a long time?"

"No." he quickly answered, tripping over the words "At least, not this much... This one doesn't really know."

He seemed sincerely helpless, and not eager to confide in more. Unfortunately, for a doctor familiar with the pranks of human psychology, it said a lot.

I think I'm starting to understand what's wrong with him...

"This one does not know what to do." he continued, breaking the awkward silence that had stretched between them. She answered with a huge smile.

If it's only what I believe it is, then I've got the remedy he needs...

"Actually, I have something that should help."

Kenshin's gaze lit up with a glimmer of hope. The said vixen-woman coquettishly hid her laughter behind long hands. 

Although I wish I could help you personally with that, Ken-san...

"Oro? Did you say something, Megumi-dono?"

...Himura and his sixth sense

"Nothing. Here, take this. These are medicinal herbs from the West."

She handed him a jar containing a brown powder strewn with orange-colored dashes of pleasant odor, from which she had extracted a small sachet of the equivalent of a nut.

"Just boil over the water around 70 degrees and wait for ten minutes after putting the herbs inside. If you respect the instructions I've given you, the effect should be felt within an hour."

Himura thanked her friend by bowing low, but as he was about to leave, the doctor held him by one arm at the doorway.

"Oh, and wait, Ken-san..."

"What?"

"...Just don't pour too much inside, it's pretty strong."

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This is concrete medicine.

He placed the bag of grass in the boiling water. The surface immediately took on an orange hue, before releasing a delicate smell of citrus and sugar.

This is doctor's advice.

He counted for ten minutes exactly before removing it and pouring the liquid into a large cup, closely following the recommendations from Oguni Clinic.

This should work.

His mind, too busy anticipating tonight's trial, missed out on the unusual good taste of this medical preparation. There was no doubt that his friend, the famous Dr Takani, whose talent and pugnacity had always managed to pull him out of the worst situations caused by his tough samurai life, had the skills to overcome such a simple problem. This had to work.

And hell it did.

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"WOW. That was..." Kaoru straightened savagely loose hair on her sodden forehead. "Just... Wow!"

Both were literally boneless, laying side by side on their futon. Himura, who was still catching his breath, couldn't help but smile dumbly. Contrary to his best friend's advice, that treatment had worked miracles.

"How did you come up with such ideas? It's a wonder we haven't woken up Kenji so far..."

Her cheeks, still flushed by the effort, became redder yet when she thought about how loud she had kept her voice back then. They were lucky their only child lying in the room aside was a heavy sleeper.

"Compared to last night it was completely different. You were... way more relaxed?"

He chuckled lightly. The agility and speed of a body trained in fighting seemed to bring more benefits in everyday life than he would have thought. Had he ever been told that the incredible techniques of Hiten Mitsurugi could be used for anything other than blindly taking away lives, he would have looked at his master from a different perspective.

"I mean, you looked so worried yesterday...?" she continued, not giving up her implied question.

"Ah... huh." Himura would never lie to his wife, but expressing himself on intimate subject had never been his speciality, even in front of the mother of his son. His current state of endorphin overload made a lot to help him talk. "To be honest... this one had doubts about being able to satisfy you..."

"What?! Where does that come from?" She was astonished, to say the least. The master of Kamiya Kasshin mentally cursed herself for not having guessed that sooner.

Now that he was admitting it to her so bluntly, the whole thing seemed ridiculous. The samurai told her in a few words about his training session with Yahiko months ago, and how two apparently innocent sentences had led him to a nerve-wracking conclusion.

It was Kaoru's turn to laugh.

"Didn't you hear what he said at the end of his phrase? Your upper limit of strength hasn't fallen a bit" she accented the last words to drive them into that thick skull of his, looking at her husband straight in the eyes. "And that means exactly what you think it means, baka."

"Oro?" He blushed slightly. The implication in her words gave him an odd feeling.

"...you make me a very happy wife"

She ended her sentence with a kiss, not giving him any time to answer. Himura instinctively placed his arms around her.

Kami-sama, this woman...

He still ignored what he had done to deserve her, but as long as she was near him, he could forget about the hardness of his life in the sweet perfume of her embrace. And here he was, surrounded by the scent of jasmine, their two naked bodies still tenderly intertwined, the warmth of her skin slipping on his... and he almost felt ready for another round, just like during his youth.

"...wait..."

His lips were already on her neck, trailing wet kisses all along.

"...Now I understand why you were so sullen, but what happened today for showing such a change?"

His wife was not the type of women who would drop the piece so easily. The redhead raised his head for a moment, pausing on his passionate journey. After what they had just been through, modesty was no longer suitable.

"Honestly, this one wasn't so sure of himself after what happened last time... so this one went to the clinic for advice."

She blinked once.

"You've been to Megumi?! But... what did she do?!!"

At this point, Kaoru was more afraid than anything. If this vixen had touched so much as a hair of her husband in this regard... Seeing the panic in her eyes, he chuckled anew before quickly replying.

"There's nothing to worry about, Kaoru-dono. She simply gave this one a remedy, that she did."

"What?! You're ill?!" concern rushed through her veins, and she instantly checked his head for fever. This man could wait to be half dead before complaining about being sick. Last time he came down with the flu Yahiko had found him lying next to the laundry tub with a head hotter than boiling miso, preferring to faint from disease rather than telling anyone he wasn't feeling right.

"Oh Kami-sama, your forehead is hot!" He was sweaty, warmer than the temperature of her hand, and...

"I'm afraid that is not a fever."

Another chuckle -she had rarely heard him laugh so much, not to mention wholeheartedly. And this time, the look in his eyes had nothing innocent. Kenshin grabbed her hand and began kissing each of her fingers. In the depths, his cerulean gaze was still hungry.

"...Oh. You are playing with me, silly." Kaoru decided that she loved seeing him in this state more than anything, and that, indeed, physical relationships could do miracles no word could.

Fortunately, there was still time tonight to put her theory to the test.

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Two days later, back at the Oguni clinic...

"Hey fox-lady... What did you give him?"

"Why, are you interested?"

The young doctor gave him that grin that made his heart twist each time.

"No! I mean..." Sanosuke stuck his hands in his pockets, suddenly staring blindly at the ceiling. "...was just bein' curious, ya know."

"Nothing." she cut.

"Huh?"

"I gave him nothing." She rummaged through her dresser and pulled out a beige bag, tied with a red-striped golden ribbon, glowing of an exuberant reflection.

"C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S tea." She read the foreign roman letters with cautious. "...Merely green sencha leaves added with splits of tangerine, vanilla, clove, cinnamon and a bit of ginger. Nothing that could be efficient other than by placebo effect. There is no actual remedy for that, medically speaking."

Sanosuke raised an eyebrow. Megumi had a gift to shut him down. 

"But then what...?"

"Didn't you know? Just like for women, most of it's all in the mind..."

She mischievously winked at him before disappearing into her office. Sanosuke stayed a moment on the spot, still contemplating the empty door.

This doctor was such a vixen...

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~°~ MERRY CHRISTMAS ~°~

**Special thanks @mamoro2202 for creating this event! ^^+**

[of-another-broken-heart]

I need to get back in the habit of posting snippets of stuff here a little more often... I’ve been doing good with my goal of writing in a physical book a bit each day, but I’ve definitely been missing out on the helpfulness of having a time-stamped reference available anywhere there’s internet to check on some details when my brain is... being... Like That(TM). 

My newest diagnosis pretty thoroughly eclipsed some happier news on Friday. I got very invested in making a new D&D character for a one-shot I’ll be joining in on sometime soon. Very counter to my Super-Homebrew Plant Fey Bae Druid for the big campaign I play in, this one-shot character’s most deviant trait is her height. She’s a Mountain Dwarf Paladin, and I wanted her to be BIG for a Dwarf, so I set her height at the maximum given in the race description. When I got to the actual dice-based trait assignment, though, I found out that despite giving a maximum height of 5 feet for Dwarves, the dice rolls only technically supported a height up to 4′8″... so I nudged the base dice rolls up from a d4 to a d6 and “cheated” my way into double 6′s to explain my max-height Dwarf. DM was amused at the PHB discrepancy and very on board for Big Dwarf Paladin. I still have some details to iron out for her, but for the most part she’s ready to play! Her name is Nellian Trueforge, she’s a guild artisan (blacksmith and jeweler) and a devotee of Tharmekhûl, and her holy mission is to spread the good of her craft and her god wherever she may journey. Her Paladin Oath is the Oath of the Ancients, so her whole Thing(TM) is centered around universal good, cheer, positivity... and her biggest flaw is that she’s perhaps a little too optimistic. Her second biggest flaw would be her fairly charmed/privileged life has made the truer realities of suffering foreign to her, so she struggles to understand trauma and cynicism in others. 

Friday night I got to play a pretty lengthy “side mission” with my Super-Homebrew Plant Fey Bae Druid, where they accompanied another party member on what was supposed to be a low-level, high-body-count Adventurer’s Guild quest (they are a Warlock with a pact with Belial, and they can collect souls for special crafting projects). Things went smooth and easyfor 75% of the adventure, but the end was an at-level challenge (a summoned kuo-toa Goddess) that we tackled with the help of some of the super nice magical items our DM rains on us on the regular. The scenario was fun, the people involved did some quality role-playing, witty banter, and punning, and I spent some time after the session doing some much-needed character sheet tending and Bag of Holding (spreadsheet) upkeep. I remembered to take my sleep med sometime between 11 and 12, but I think I was up until 5 AM doing document management. 

Yesterday (Saturday) I was only up for like... 12 hours. I slept a lot after I finally crawled into bed, and didn’t get up until nearly 3 PM. It was a pretty chill day. Mostly just did FFXIV stuff. Finished my WT book for the week, played around in Hydatos some more (kept getting in instances that would lock early, though, so mostly just farmed low-exp bunnies for chances at Eureka-locked loot... got my first-ever gold chest from them, but didn’t get the loot I wanted)... I took my sleep med, and I am pretty sure I was asleep by 3 AM. 

Today I slept a lot, too. I got out of bed... around 1? I don’t remember exactly. I woke up to an alert from some psuedo-fascist comment response on YouTube where they twisted the age-old advice of “If you’ve got nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all” into “THIS IS WHAT ORWELL WARNED US ABOUT!! THOUGHT POLICING!! THIS IS 1984!!!!!” and that... wasn’t pleasant. 

I didn’t make myself in any way presentable for public, but I went out anyway. My brain meds run out tomorrow, so I wanted to get my refills in hand before it felt like a red alert. I also stopped by a gas station, and irresponsibly splurged on a $2 novelty latte from Dunkin - they have a deal on mediums and have the Girl Scout Cookie flavors again. All in all, today cost $30. 

My new med, for life-long hypothyroid treatment, isn’t fully covered by insurance. There’s a shitty irony to that, I guess. My brain meds are covered, my sleep meds are covered, and my birth control is covered... but my Vitamin D, and my hormone replacements, I gotta pay for. 

And like... those are the 2 things I can’t do anything about. I can cope without the brain meds, if I really have to. Hell, if my financial situation improves, coping with my Hellbrain is pretty easy actually. I’ve gone my whole life with my shitty sleep problems, so coping with that again wouldn’t be too big a deal. And while birth control certainly makes my monthly bleeds a whole lot more tolerable, coping with THAT pain was also something I just gritted my teeth through, too. 

But my body literally attacking its own thyroid and permanently being incapable of producing life-necessary hormones for healthy bodily functions? My body literally being incapable of producing adequate Vitamin D amounts to stay healthy? Money. More money. 

It’s not even a lot of money. The Vitamin D price is like $0.94, and the thyroid hormone replacement is $1.00. But when your income is $0... having an infinite, recurring $2 price tag on your life-critical meds is still an impossible cost. 

And I know I just got paid for a house sitting gig. But the majority of that needs to go into my shaky bank account, to keep the damn thing open and pay for another couple months of internet access, because the internet is my greatest tool for coping, socializing, looking for work, and just generally keeping informed about things. 

Oh. I got approved for more therapy sessions. I don’t remember if I noted that here. The approval was basically for weekly sessions, from Feb 18 to May 18. There are two big problems with that, though. 

1) I cannot afford weekly trips out of town. 

2) Even if I could, the therapist is booked solid most of the time, so even if I tried to book as many openings as I could, right now, there would still be weeks where there simply aren’t any open appointments to fill. 

So like... I’m still going to try for more. I booked another appointment towards the end of the month, and if I get 1-2 in March, 1-2 in April, and 1 in May, I’ll consider it worth the effort of getting the approval in the first place. That’s still only... a maximum of 6 of the approved 13, though. Less than half. Feels bad. 

[buyanadrolcycle-blog]

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Anabolic steroids are the medications derived from testosterone, male sex hormone.   It plays key roles in health and well-being of both males and females.

Normally, an adult human male produces about eight to ten times more testosterone than an adult female body.  The hormone is responsible for the development of male secondary sex characteristics.  

The level of testosterone goes down when a person ages or grows old. Thus, anabolic steroids are usually recommended as part of a regimen for its aging women and men. Anabolic steroids helps in maintaining excellent testosterone levels in aging men and women and assist in restoring their potency and great health.

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These medications are commonly abused by athletes, weightlifters, athletes, and jocks.  They are also employed by young boys, women, and teens for assorted decorative factors.

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Ingest a shake that is stuffed with proteins along with carbohydrate food and healthy proteins, prior to deciding to workout. This will heighten the way your system works with healthy proteins, and may help you get the look you are wanting. Anytime, you are taking in a water meal your body will take in it quicker than consuming a consistent food.

It is not easy to shed pounds and make muscle tissue at the same time. You need to have a higher-proteins diet to support the muscle expansion, but lower your fat absorption at the same time. Consume foods which are high in proteins and reduced in excess fat and processed carbs to lessen gain and body weight muscles simultaneously.

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