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darling-archeron · 4 years

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this is as good a place to fall as any + feysand for the fic request thing? angst would be good (;

ask and you shall receive - i hope you like angst. I may have used this as personal catharsis and it came out as one of the rawest, and, in my opinion, most painful things I’ve ever written. Not super edited, but I hope you enjoy! <333.

TW for minor mentions of suicide

Music in the Night

It was the end of another infinitely long day, and Feyre found herself on the roof of the townhouse. The same place she had spent lazy nights with Rhysand, curled up with the stars until dawn. They had once promised each other infinite nights like this, filled with love and whispered secrets and lazy touches.

This time, she was alone.

She had gone out into Velaris by herself today, walked the streets, and been with her people in a way that she hadn’t in years. It had left her bone-weary deep in her soul. After the war, when what was left of her family returned to Velaris, she had been too broken by her grief to mingle with her people. The only thing she was aware of was the emptiness of the void in her head where such life had once flowed. The funeral had been hell, numbness coating her mind and tongue when the priestess asked if she would say a few words.

After she had finally picked herself up, convinced herself to keep going, there was so much to be done. Simply going for a walk never seemed to make the list. Mor had kept Velaris running for years, but she didn’t rule the entire court. And Feyre had never run anything of the sort. It wasn’t long after he was gone that she realized how much Rhys had left to teach her, how much he had not known himself. It had been exhausting as she turned all her energy on fixing the Court instead of looking inward at the dark shards within herself.

Learn as best as she could from Mor and Lucien what it took to rule, to heal rifts with the Hewn City, who barely recognized her as High Lady, and to Illyria, who only began to respect her once she showed what she was capable of. When they had time, she did physical training with Cassian. Continuing to explore the facets of her magic had been harder. The two beings who might have taught her something more about it were gone.

So for the most part, she gave herself over to her court. They deserved that much. It was nights like these when she allowed herself self-pitying, angry, sorrowful moments. Just her, the night sky, and a bottle of whiskey she had swiped from Rhys’s huge stash. The roof seemed as good a place to fall as any. To ask the Cauldron why so much of the good in her life had been taken. To ask why she always seemed to end up alone.

Because Rhys…Rhys had been taken from her. She had loved him with a passion and fury she knew had been called foolish. But the only foolish thing about their love was how she hadn’t seen the end coming, hadn’t realized that he would sacrifice everything he had to heal the cleaved Cauldron. And when Rhys was truly gone, and even trying to bring him back as he had done to her hadn’t worked – she didn’t reflect on those moments. Ever.

She had survived poverty, Amarantha, and being made, the Ouroboros, and the War. She had been born a fighter.

It hadn’t stopped her from reaching for a knife to turn on herself on that battlefield, in moments when everyone else was too distracted. Azriel had only just stopped her, and there were days she could still feel the sharp kiss of the blade on her chest.

Most of the time – most of the time she was glad she hadn’t done it.

A breeze came up, and Feyre shivered. The backs of her thighs were beginning to dig into the roof.

In the emptiness of the weeks that had followed, she found that she hated silence. Because there was never again going to be passed jokes and musings down that bridge of gold. Never again going to be music sent to her in her darkest moments.

The townhouse became emptier as well.

Amren had sacrificed herself to end the war. Elain had eventually left Night to pursue a life of travel, slowly healing from the horrors she had witnessed. Lucien was building alliances on the continent, though only after he had been convinced that she wasn’t going to fall apart. Nesta…was complicated. She still lived in Velaris, off of accounts Feyre kept filled, but she barely saw her sister anymore. Feyre wasn’t sure which one of them was more broken, some days.

Mor needed out of Velaris too. Feyre knew she was losing her mind. Though no physical wards kept her here as they once had, she couldn’t abandon the duty she had. Because she didn’t think Feyre was strong enough.

Feyre still doubted herself every step of the way. Because in the end, she did blame herself. She had made a bad choice with what mattered the most, hadn’t seen that his final “I love you” was not a declaration, but a goodbye.

He had known what she would want to believe, apparently known her better than she had known him.

She had always been a fool for a happy ending. Had always wanted it for herself. Her mate had helped her believe that she deserved it until she saw it herself. She had been a dreamer in a Court of Dreams.

Feyre watched the city below, taking a swig of the whiskey. There was a revel in the streets a few blocks away, the beautiful, seductive music taking away the emptiness that lingered in her head.

The Night Court needed a strong leader. They deserved someone who dreamt of a better world, who wasn’t falling apart. And as much as she was unqualified, she knew she had to learn. And as much as she had wanted to let the world fall away as she descended into her grief – she had made a vow. To Rhysand, to her people, to herself. To deny that – it would make her an utter failure.

So, she had forced herself to become that person, and learn to lead, to play the games of Court. To heal wounds the war had ripped open. A leader with an iron heart and mask of steel.

The one thing she couldn’t learn again was how to forgive. She couldn’t forgive Tamlin, or Hybern, or herself. No matter how much Mor and Elain beseeched her. Elain had dragged her to the same mind-healer that she had been seeing in Dawn. Not a daemati – but someone who focused on emotional and psychological wellness. After a few visits, she had stopped going.

She needed closure, Elain had told her. It was easy for her to say. Every inch of this place didn’t remind her of their father. How could you find closure when the wound was ripped open again every day?

Another swig of whiskey and the music grew louder. A sob hiccupped in her throat, and she pushed it down. She wasn’t drunk enough to stop caring yet, and if she started crying now she would never stop.

She wondered how the history books would be written, sometimes. Human and Fae alike. Would the fae praise how she had defeated Amarantha, or as time went on, would the ballads and stories be edited and brushed under the rug to hide how helpless the faeries had really been? Would they tell how she fought her way across that bloody plain, each swing of her sword for a better world?

Would the elegies they painted eulogize Rhysand properly?

Would they tell how she had let him die?

She shook her head violently, strands of hair shaking free from the tight braid she had pulled it back into. She had cut it to shoulder length a few weeks after the war – practically a cliché from one of the books she had read. Since then, she had never let it grow back out.

She wouldn’t let herself think of all she hadn’t done now. She had done that enough – days where nightmares tore her from sleep and she replayed those minutes on the battlefield over and over, trying to find a different way.

Instead, she thought back to what that healer had told her at the Dawn Court. She had given Feyre breathing exercises she couldn’t remember now, and she had told her that it was okay to talk about them. It had all seemed so useless at the time.

Elain had found catharsis in it, though. She didn’t just talk about their father – she talked to him, she had confided.

Another swig of whiskey – longer, this time. It burned as it went down, and it made her buzzed enough to say what the hell.

“Rhys?” She whispered, so softly. She had never – never spoken to him like this. Screaming his name as she was torn from his arms in every last nightmare, yes. But this - she had always thought it would hurt too much.

“I hope that you’re happy, Rhys.” She knew that he thought he was Lord of Nightmares, that wherever he went after he died wouldn’t be pleasant. It was something she had been working to slowly changed his mind about, making him see that he wasn’t damned.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t stop you – didn’t realize until it was too late. I didn’t find any other way. I know – I know that you wouldn’t have had it any other way. That you didn’t want to stop me. But I’m so sorry and I will never stop regretting and hating myself for it –” Her words broke off with a sob as she finally let the tears come. “And if you can somehow hear this – I just need you to know that I will never stop loving you. And I’m trying my best to fill the void you left behind, to be the leader everyone needs me to be.” For a while, the only sound was her breathing and the distant music as her words were swallowed up by the night.

She sniffed a little. “Do you remember our last night up here? It was just a few days before we left. Did you know you wouldn’t be back?” Another long pause, like she was giving him time to reply. “I’m sure even then you were planning. But I just remember – we were up here, it was a night a lot like this. No wine or lingerie – it was just us, the stars, and the city. I fell asleep up here, in your arms. You told me stories of your adventures years ago. The time you and Azriel got lost in Malwich and – well, I never heard the end of it. I was so exhausted. Do you think Az would tell it to me if I asked him?”

Silence echoed as the distant song wound down.

“I miss you.” She said quieter than ever, barely a breath. “You spent your last breaths telling me that you loved me…and I never said it back. Because I thought I would have a million more times to say it, and so you never heard it that final time even though I’m sure you knew –“ Snot plugged up her nose and she sniffed again, voice ugly and cracking. “I love you, Rhysand.”

She buried her head in her arms as the music slowly started up again. It slowly grew louder until she could make out a familiar tune.

Feyre could have laughed. It wasn’t the music Rhysand had sent her Under the Mountain. It was an echo of it, an answer to the original piece’s question. The haunting melody and drifting notes filled her head and her soul. They chased out the awful silence and made her feel new, if only for a moment.

She recalled back when she was human, laying in her cell as that music floated down. She had drifted somewhere in the clouds, seen faces she couldn’t make out. Just as it had been then – as she gazed out at the unclouded sky, she could have sworn she saw Rhysand peering back at her with love in his eyes – for just a moment.

Perhaps just a trick of her eyes, of a desperate soul. But as she gazed up at those bright stars, she didn’t stop the tears from falling.

I love you, Rhys.

She stayed out there long after the music had died down until she could see a hint of dawn’s rosy hue rising over the Sidra. The memory of the song echoed in her head, keeping the silence at bay.

#kate's writing #acotar #acomaf #acowar #feysand #feyre #rhysand #sjm #sarah j maas #acotar fic #angst #my writing #acotar angst #fic #tw suicide mention

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danzinora-switch · 4 years

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Typing the Turtles (ROTTMNT) Part 2 - Donatello

This started out as an investigation into the turtles’ insecurities, because one thing the show does so well is demonstrate that they are still teenagers. And being a teenager is a confusing experience - there’s angst, drama, exploring one’s identity, a lot of growth, and overall figuring out who you are. That’s a messy process, too! And we see this mess in our turtles: they mess up, they’re learning, they self-doubt, they have fears and insecurities, but they’re also discovering their strengths and how to overcome their inner obstacles.

So after thinking about all this way too long, here’s my psychological breakdown of each turtle (I’ll be referencing MBTI and the Enneagram, but will include links for more general information on those if you don’t know what I’m talking about).

Donnie: INTJ, 5w6

The Architect, the Investigator, the Problem-Solver, the Observer

Firstly, getting into this analysis means that we have to step away from the stereotype that all INTJs are cold, aloof, and unemotional. INTJs, especially Turbulent ones, do express emotion, and we’ve all seen Donnie’s dramatic ‘theatre kid’ side. I’m not going to ignore that. He manages to be both thanks to the INTJ’s tertiary function Introverted Feeling (Fi). Extroverted Feeling (Fe) really allows one to connect and empathize with others’ emotions. Fi, however, is a more internal experience of feelings, and has trouble connecting with others without having been in their shoes. I happen to think Donnie is in a strong Ni-Fi loop, as well, which would make sense because fighting bad guys every day while trying to save the world after discovering a Mystic City which upbends everything you ever knew is pretty stressful. https://www.psychologyjunkie.com/2017/06/21/intjs-loop-understanding-ni-fi-loop/

And it’s super interesting that he often expresses his emotions by literally saying them. “Evil laugh! Relishing chuckle! Gasp!” (Mind Meld) and, one of my favorites, he literally says “Sad face emoji” in Many Unhappy Returns.

So while we DO see Donnie experience and display his own emotions, we also DON’T see him all that affected by other people’s emotions. He’s still pretty stoic in Mystic Mayhem after the delivery guy gets mutated, cracking a joke about imitation crab. He’s unaffected by Todd’s puppies in Repo Mantis, and the only one immune to Warren Stone’s sob story in Warren & Hypno Sitting in a Tree. Pizza Pit shows it best when he’s unaffected when Mikey’s favorite pizza place collapses until the same thing happens to him. Fi at work vs Fe.

As for Donnie being a 5w6, keep this core motivation in mind: “[Fives] Want to possess knowledge, to understand the environment, to have everything figured out as a way of defending the self from threats from the environment.” https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-5

Donnie at his Worst: Donnie vs. Witch Town gave us this gem of a line: “Because I’m the science guy! If mystic powers can do everything I can do, but better, then why would you guys even need me?” And while people have pointed out his need to be needed, I argue it’s a little more accurate to say he has a need to belong. His role in the group is the Brainiac, the Science Guy, the Smart One, and so his very identity is tied into fulfilling that role. A 5’s core fear is of being useless, helpless, or incapable. Mystic powers rendering his tech redundant, and thereby him useless, would be a pretty big threat to the security of his role in the group (that 6 wing kicking in). And remember a 5’s core motivation: to understand the environment as a defense. And he still doesn’t understand mystic energy. It’s pretty infuriating, so he’s pretty insufferable about it.

[Note: seeing mystic power as a threat probably didn’t kick in until their fight with Shredder in Many Unhappy Returns. Prior to that, his brothers were still learning how to use their magic weapons, but Donnie already understood his tech well enough to use it effectively (see their first fight against Baron Draxum in the pilot). But against the Shredder… all his tech was useless. Only the hanky, the hanky, was even marginally effective. His brothers’ weapons were now way more capable than anything he had to offer… core 5 fear. And to cope? Learn all you can about your fear/threat. Except he still hasn’t figured it out; we see even in Air Turtle that he calls Draxum for the mystic expertise instead of formulating his own hypothesis].

We’ve seen this insecurity about his place in the group before. In Mind Meld, as his brothers become more like him, his role is challenged. “Hey, you’re trying to get rid of me, that’s what I do to you!” “But, I thought purple was my... my thing.” When he first meets the Purple Dragon he immediately wants to join them because he sees them as tech peers. In Man vs Sewer even though he professes that it’s his day off, he doesn’t react well whenever Leo does ‘his thing’: analyzing the situation and drawing a conclusion. His self-worth seems to be tied to what he has to offer the group, and we hear that even in his song in The Mystic Library about proving himself.

Besides his insecurity, Donnie is practically allergic to blame. (Interestingly enough, he’s more okay with being wrong and others being right sometimes… sure he’ll deflect, but it doesn’t seem to get under his skin the way being at fault does). He will repeatedly deny fault and shift the blame to someone else when something goes wrong. He denies creating AlBearto in Al Be Back, says the incident with the Purple Dragons in The Purple Jacket is entirely April’s fault (she is not amused) and puts the blame for ditching Todd off on his brothers in Todd Scouts. The one time we see him own up his mistakes is in Mind Meld when no one (except Shelldon) is around to see it. “Yup. I beefed up.” This is definitely an area he needs to work on.

Average Donnie: Donnie cares for his brothers, but that doesn’t always get across in the best of ways. Take the episode Donnie’s Gifts, for example. Donnie never actually got a chance to explain how the gifts work, but we can see protective elements in each of them. Raph: please use your head and don’t just blindly rush in! Mikey: ohmygosh that is so dangerous, please be careful and don’t get hurt! Leo: stop poking the bear, Leo, it only makes him angrier! It makes sense that a 5 who has external fears of the world and has their own protective equipment (the Battle Shells) would extend that to his brothers. And Donnie was able to recognize that even though his brothers got the wrong message, he could move past that and call for a group hug. In the Purple Game he is super anxious to make sure his brothers are okay and not mostly hurt. Insane in the Mama Train also reveals the invention of the Panic Button… and who designed that?

Donnie also seeks a lot of validation. He takes pride in his work, and when his work is appreciated he gives that appreciation back tenfold [such as when he shows off the Turtle Tank to his brothers (Fast and Furriest), or when Splinter says he’s proud of him (Turtle-dega Nights: the Ballad of Rat Man)]. The flip side is that when he’s not getting the validation he needs from others he’ll create it himself, which comes off as arrogant and egocentric. See Smart Lair, when Sheldon 1.0 plays messages of Donnie’s self-worth all night, and is programmed to favor him. Or when he takes full credit for defeating a bad guy: the silverfish in Donnie’s Gifts, and scaring Draxum away with his disco ball in Shadow of Evil. When he gets the recognition for all his hard work from the right people, though, it inspires him to do great things. There is danger in getting validation from the wrong people, however, as we saw in Big Mama’s case in Bug Busters.

Donnie at his Best: Donnie’s at his best (and most relaxed) whenever he’s learning or building something. He gets super excited and happy attending April’s school (The Purple Jacket) or going to the library (The Mystic Library) and wants to attend college someday (The Mutant Menace). The INTJ/5 seeks to absorb information and he’s constantly energized by it.

He’s also energized when he can put that information to use, such as when building something. Did Albearto need a total tear-down in War and Pizza? No. But Donnie had fun making him ‘dazzle!’ How did Donnie cope being in the woods in Todd Scouts? By building an impressive tree fort. Donnie’s projects actually relax him, because he’s exercising his strength and capabilities.

This also works for his method of attacks and plans: Know Thine Enemy. He studies Warren Stone in Newsworthy when they meet him and is the only one who remembers he regenerates by Warren & Hypno Sitting in a Tree. Donnie and Mikey are able to successfully scam Repo Mantis in One Man’s Junk because they know how he thinks. Donnie thwarts everything the Purple Dragons do and can bring Shelldon home because he knows how they operate (The Purple Game, Breaking Purple). He can restore his brothers to their rightful minds in Mind Meld because he knows himself.

Also: music. The fact that one of his Battle Shells has a music mode (Mascot Melee), that he remembers things in song form (The Mystic Library, Donnie vs Witch Town), and that he likes to dance (Stuck on You) is so pure and adorable.

Donnie Relationships:

(while Donnie does see his brothers as dum-dums at times, he admits they’re fun and pretty great to have in Mind Meld)

Raph: We really need a Donnie and Raph episode, but even without one there’s some moments we can look at. I already discussed in Raph’s analysis their general similarities. Donnie doesn’t think Raph always has the brightest ideas, but still has soft moments with him such as giving him $20 at the end of Mind Meld, designing the ‘captain’s chair’ of the Turtle Tank to Raph’s lumbar settings, and appreciating Raph’s pirate accent in Snow Day. They are both protective of their brothers, Raph with his fists and Donnie with his tech. It’s interesting that (I believe) they’re the reverse of each other on the Enneagram: Raph is a 6w5, and Donnie a 5w6. So they both understand the risks involved in what they do (mostly: Donnie still ate poison and Raph still goes on ‘smashcapades’). I really want to see a team-up between them.

Leo: I’m all for the Disaster Twins trope, but to me an episode that epitomizes that isn’t one like Lair Games, where they’re at each other’s throats, but Operation Normal. They’ve apparently done the grandma-getup before. They wind up playing as good cop, bad cop in Fast and Furriest. Sure, one’s high-strung, and one’s laid-back, which can get on each others’ nerves, but there’s also a lot of making up. Brotherly betrayal passes back and forth between them, but never crosses a line. And the numerous times they unconsciously mirror each other can be found with a simple search of the Disaster Twins tag. I’m interested to see more episodes where they work together, even in the background, just because they can get up to wild shenanigans.

Mikey: Mikey’s probably the turtle Donnie most gets along with. They’ve had several episode team-ups: Repo Mantis, One Man’s Junk, Turtle-dega Nights: the Ballad of Rat Man, Breaking Purple, etc. Donnie may be the team academic, but Mikey has strong emotional intelligence. They get along pretty easily, making plans together (One Man’s Junk) and protecting each other (we see Donnie protect Mikey in Repo Mantis and Bug Busters, but we see Mikey protect Donnie by pulling him out of the way in Smart Lair). Donnie helps Mikey focus on the goal at hand, and Mikey helps Donnie communicate better with others. They’re a good team with a pretty solid foundation.

Ultimately, Donnie’s an inventive turtle who wants his brothers to be safe but is still wrestling with a lot of insecurities and unhealthy stress levels. I’m excited to see how he grows into real confidence and utilizes his strengths as an integral member of the team.

For more information on the INTJ and Enneagram 5 personality types, click here:

https://www.16personalities.com/intj-personality

https://www.crystalknows.com/enneagram/type-5-wing-6

https://thoughtcatalog.com/heidi-priebe/2016/01/mbti-and-the-enneagram-2/6/

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #donatello #tmnt donatello #tmnt donnie #tmnt 2k18 #essay #personality #mbti #myers briggs #enneagram #teenage mutant ninja turtles #INTJ #enneagram 5 #5w6 #i spent way too much time on this #rottmnt donatello #rottmnt donnie

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softderekhale · 4 years

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from the archives: snippets of a sterek pacrim au

hey y’all! i definitely haven’t been super active on this blog or tumblr at all lately, for a lot of reasons but mainly just... life. doesn’t that suck sometimes? but i really, truly hope everyone is doing well and you + your loved ones are staying safe. (long reflection + tumblr fic after the cut, lol)

i’ve been in kind of a funk with writing since the last time i “had” to do it, which was 12 days/sterek secret santa like, 6 months ago. it’s frustrating to me that i went from writing my longest fic ever exactly 2 years ago to having almost zero output now, but i’m trying not to be too hard on myself and i know writing is a really fickle pastime. anyway, this is a really long leadup, but i decided to just release some stuff i wrote into the wild. it’s either here or my google drive, so i might as well see if anyone wants to read it!

pacific rim is undoubtedly one of my favorite movies of all time (it was only bumped down by into the spider-verse, but they’re almost tied ;D). it came out right after my sterek obsession began, and i always imagined writing a sterek au based around derek and stiles being drift compatible. that whole concept has always been so lovely to me and fits in nicely with some of my favorite soulmate-y tropes. this idea always felt too ambitious, though, and i didn’t write a single word of it until i rewatched the movie in november/december 2019. i wrote the following stuff in an extremely giddy haze over the next few weeks. i’m not good about pushing myself to write, so i never added any more, but i still really like what i had/have! i hope maybe someday i’ll feel the urge to come back to it. but anyway, here’s my completely self-indulgent homage to one of my favorite movies and one of my favorite fandoms. in my au chronology for this, following the events of the first movie, global governments and the ppdc decided to deploy jaegers for continued deep sea exploration to further benefit scientific discovery and avoid wasting such expensive tech/training. this lead to a lot of corporate interference re: treasure hunting, etc. (national treasure, but make it underwater). oh, and werewolves exist (because wouldn’t they make great jaeger pilots?!). also, A SECOND PACIFIC RIM MOVIE WAS NEVER EVER MADE. THE END. laura and derek were copilots before a kaiju-fighting incident forced them into early retirement. laura is still alive, though! (because it’s me.)

***

“Mayday! Mayday! LOCCENT, do you copy? This is Luna Geminae paging for backup. LOCCENT! Danny, we can’t hold them much longer…”

Laura’s growl of frustration rang in Derek’s ear as he strained against the beast.

“Keep holding it, Derek. You can do this. I know you can. They’re so close, Derek, they’ve gotta be. Just a few more—”

Derek never knew how Laura intended to finish that sentence. All he would ever remember was the scream that tore out of her throat. Later, he would describe it as the first time he ever understood the meaning of “bloodcurdling.”

“Laura!” Derek gritted his teeth as pain roared down his left arm, causing his vision to blur and spark white around the edges.

“My arm, Jesus, my fucking… They got my arm, Derek—”

As water poured into the cabin above and around him, the last thing he remembered hearing was Laura’s anguished howl. Then the sky became fire, and everything went dark.

***

The day of the accident convinced Derek that his world would never stop burning.

For months after, when he lay staring at the ceiling until the early hours of the morning, the staticky shapes his eyes created to fill the darkness always melted and formed a wall of flames no matter how many times he scrunched his eyes shut and buried his face in his pillow. The noises, too — the ambient whoosh of the Dome’s ventilation system and the soft heart-like thud of the power grid soon coalesced into a unified, rhythmic chant that sounded more and more like Laura’s scream the longer Derek listened: Derek! Help!

In the days and weeks following their accident, Derek had tried every trick he could think of to reassure his subconscious that Laura was alive and safe, and would remain so even after she left his line of sight. For almost a week after she was released from the medical bay, he slept in the spare bunk above her. As reticent as he normally was to invade Laura’s privacy any more than he had to, experiencing her near-loss allowed panic and instinct to envelop Derek’s frayed nerves. He never fully explained it to Laura, but he didn’t have to — she never questioned his presence, nor did she point out that Derek always waited to fall asleep until he was certain she had already drifted off.

Eventually, though, Derek realized the routine was leaving them both sleep-deprived and irritable. He resolved to move back to his own quarters, not wanting to smother Laura with his relentless, anxious presence. But he knew she still sensed his distress — every evening at 2300 hours, like clockwork, she knocked on his door to tell him goodnight and gently pressed her right palm against her brother’s neck before waving and returning to her own room. It was a routine they continued even now, half a decade beyond the fight that had left their Jaeger decimated.

They had made progress, which Laura was always quick to remind her younger brother. Nothing could have prepared him for the aftermath of the accident, though, and the dark places where Derek’s mind would drift when there was no one around to distract him. Alone with his thoughts, no reassurance was strong enough to quiet Derek’s memories.

He shifted again in bed, his half-awake mind scrambling to remember the breathing exercises Deaton had taught him over the years.

Inhale through your nose. One. Two. Three. Hold. Exhale through your mouth. One. Two. Three—

Derek!

Start again. Inhale through your nose. One. Two. Three. Hold. Exhale through your mouth. Slower this time.

Good. Again.

***

This comes way after the scene above lol sorry

“Right hemisphere locked. Left hemisphere locked. Vitals are steady. Initiating neural handshake.”

Danny’s voice echoed through Derek’s head as he let his eyes flutter shut and tipped his head back. He’d been anxious about this moment for days now, but he would be lying if he said he wasn’t secretly a little — or a lot — excited, too. Drifting was a heady, emotional experience, and if he and Stiles were truly compatible, Derek might finally get to settle the unease he had felt since his connection with Laura was severed.

“Alright,” Danny said. “You should be feeling it in three… two… one.”

Derek’s eyes flew open, but his gaze defocused as he felt his center of gravity list forward before returning.

As his sense of internal balance returned, the tingle of the neural link fizzed over his scalp. There it is. Slowly, then all at once, he felt the rush of Stiles’ mind meeting his own. Their emotions flowed over one another like water, memories flashing and sensations pulsing before slipping away into their shared flow of awareness. Derek had trained himself long ago to let himself float until the waters steadied, and he could feel Stiles, ever perceptive, do the same.

“Neural handshake established and holding at 100 percent.”

Without having to think twice about the gesture, Derek felt his knuckles meet his palm as he dipped into a customary bow. As he and Stiles led Luna in her first exploratory steps, Derek felt the weight of any lingering fears melt away.

With Laura, Derek had always felt like they were extensions of one another, movements and decisions cascading seamlessly from a fully unified thought process. Drifting with Stiles, though, felt unlike anything Derek had ever experienced. They were two sides of the same coin — each aggressive and reserved in equal, opposite measure. If Derek and Laura were reading from the same script, he and Stiles were finishing each others’ sentences as they improvised the same scene.

When they first met, Derek had found Stiles anything but graceful — but now, as they nearly seemed to glide across the ocean floor, he felt foolish for not realizing the instinctive adjustments and calculations stiles was constantly making based on his surroundings. As they steered Luna across the testing ground, Derek felt his temples begin to thrum with an energy he hadn’t felt in years. Best of all, he knew Stiles felt it too — he could literally trace the path of his elation as it wrapped around Derek’s senses and amplified his own excitement.

“How are you doing?” Derek shouted across the rig. It wasn’t a question he needed to ask verbally, but he chose to anyway, knowing it would help ground them both in the present moment and prevent any stray thought spirals from taking over their link.

“So good, dude. This is — this is unreal,” Stiles replied, slicing through the air with his left arm to test the angle of the jaeger’s knuckle daggers.

Derek smiled. “Not exactly like the simulators, huh?”

“Nothing like the simulators, man. Holy shit.”

As they continued to acclimate to the drift, Derek took Stiles through a few more of Luna’s signature maneuvers. Stiles’ extensive research showed, and combined with the knowledge he and Derek now shared, the moves seemed to come naturally.

“Do you want some music?” He and Laura always played music when training, but he didn’t want Stiles to feel—

“That’s all I want right now, Derek.” Derek’s grin broadened as Stiles flicked through the controls hovering in front of him. A heavy bass line thrummed through the cabin, and Derek finally did what he never thought he would be able to again in his lifetime: he let his mind relax and free-fell into the drift.

***

Two hours after he and Stiles had eaten dinner and finally parted ways, Derek still couldn’t stop thinking about their drift.

That wasn’t unusual, all things considered — emotional transfer was common, especially for werewolves and especially during the first few drifts with a new partner.

Every time Derek thought about his connection with Stiles, though, and the experience of their emotions weaving together, his mind kept snagging in one place. It was a place that had struck Derek even during the high of the neural handshake, not because it felt odd or foreign, but because it felt hauntingly familiar — but looked ugly and sinister looming over someone else.

It was anguish. It was a grief that had been doused in shame and set alight. It was a feeling of loss and self-loathing that made Derek feel like he was suffocating. It was exactly the way Derek had felt every day for years after the fire, and again after the accident.

He had tried to explain it to Laura as dispassionately as possible all the times she chided him for blaming himself or expressing guilt over what happened to their family, but he never knew how to describe it until he experienced it through Stiles’ memories. It was sore, like a bruised rib, a persistent ache that radiated out from the point of impact and lingered at the edge of his consciousness. Distractions might be able to push away some of the pain, but as long as he kept breathing, it would always be there.

Derek hadn’t seen exactly where Stiles’ pain radiated from, but it seemed to shroud the memories of his mother especially strongly. Stiles told him she had been sick, though — why would he feel guilty about her death?

He sat up, his leg bouncing as he fidgeted absently with a hangnail. Since deciphering what that unexpected shared emotion reminded him of, Derek couldn’t stop thinking about it. This, he knew, was normal too — without an outlet, emotional transfer tended to create a feedback loop as a co-pilot bounced back and forth between their own memories and their partner’s.

Before he could talk himself out of it, Derek shot up and strode to the door. It was late, almost midnight, and the full body experience of drifting had left Derek racked with fatigue. But — he just wanted to talk to Stiles. To be near him, again, as if it were a substitute for the feeling of absolute synchronicity they had just shared. It would only take a few minutes.

He was so distracted by his own jumbled thoughts that it took him a moment to register who stood just outside his door as he flung it open — it was Stiles, hand paused in mid-air.

“Stiles.” Very eloquent, Derek, he chided himself with an internal voice that sounded suspiciously like Laura.

“Oh— Well. Um. Hi.” Stiles gave a small wave before shoving his hand in his pocket. “Sorry, I didn’t realize you were about to—“

“I was about to find you.”

Stiles paused. “Really?”

Derek stepped back, nodding toward the doorway. “Really. Do you want to come in?”

As he and Stiles stood facing each other silently, Derek scrambled for exactly what he wanted to say. Everything was so effortless when they were in the drift. Why was it so hard to find the words now?

To his relief, Stiles was the one who broke the silence. “Sorry, I’m sure you’re tired… I’m just kind of keyed up, I guess, and I couldn’t—“ Stiles ducked his head down. “I don’t know. I thought it might help to see you.”

“Don’t apologize. You have good instincts,” Derek assured him. “And I— I wanted to see you too,” he added, feeling the tips of his ears heat.

He could almost feel Stiles’ sigh of relief in his own chest. “Can I sit?”

“Of course.” Derek scooped a discarded pile of clothes off his bed and gingerly sat down after Stiles, mindful of the careful space between them. “Are you feeling okay?”

Stiles’ eyebrows jumped. “Yeah, I feel fine, I really do, but I just feel… jumpy, I guess. Which is normal for me, but I can tell this is different. I don’t know how I know, but…” he trailed off, gesturing abstractly in front of him.

Derek nodded. “I know what you mean. You can’t really prepare for the drift until you’ve done it,” he said, remembering how disjointed he felt after his first few test runs. “But it gets easier,” he added.

Stiles shook his head. “I’m not worried about it. I trust you.” His eyes shot up to meet Derek’s, as if challenging him to dispute the steady, honest heartbeat behind his words.

Derek was surprised to feel something behind his eyes sting at the pronouncement. He looked away from Stiles’ scrutinizing gaze, but he felt the other man’s eyes continue to study him. “I’m glad. I— that means a lot to me.”

Stiles nodded, remaining thoughtfully silent. Derek sensed he wanted to ask something, but wasn’t ready to admit it on his own.

“Is there anything I can do?” Derek asked gently, eyes seeking Stiles’ again.

Stiles looked pointedly away and bit at his thumbnail. “Um. It sounds stupid now. But I read… I read that physical contact can help,” he mumbled, so quickly Derek might not have caught it without his magnified hearing.

He realized Stiles’ admission may have felt embarrassing for a human, but for Derek, it was almost a relief. He reached forward slowly and cupped his hand over Stiles’ shoulder with a light squeeze.

“It’s not stupid. You felt how intense the drift is. When you separate from a complete mental overlap, it can be disorienting. And you know how tactile wolves are — that makes it even harder for us, so you’re probably getting some of this from my own emotional bleed.” He didn’t miss the way Stiles melted into his touch, his whole body swaying into their point of contact.

Stiles nodded. “Yeah. That makes sense. Thanks,” his gaze flicked up to meet Derek’s.

“Do you—“ Derek didn’t really know how to ask for more contact. It came so naturally with other werewolves, so he’d never really had to think about it before. “I don’t want to touch you in a way you’re not comfortable with. But if you want to lay down, or you want me to lay down or…” He took a sharp, steadying breath. “I’m trying to say that I understand, and I think it will make us both feel better, and I’m fine with whatever level of contact you’re okay with.”

Stiles laughed, a bright and unexpected break in the tension. “Jesus. Listen to us. I feel ridiculous, but— Thank you. You’re very considerate.” He paused, expression drawing almost imperceptibly tighter. “I want that too, though. I want you to feel comfortable. If you’re not, if there’s anything I do— I promise I’ll ask, first, and if you can tell me, I want you to.”

Derek felt a lump rise in his throat. Stiles’ words were sincere, but carefully chosen. He wasn’t sure how much of his own memories Stiles had observed, but it seemed to have been enough to understand that physical touch had once been a powerful weapon wielded against him.

“Thank you,” he answered quietly, before gently tugging at Stiles’ arm. “Here, lay down.”

The bed was barely wide enough for both of them to lay side by side, but it was just enough space for both men to settle on their backs with their elbows carefully layered between them. Derek hesitated for a moment before angling his head against Stiles’ neck. “Is this okay?”

Stiles hummed in agreement, the back of his hand flitting against Derek’s so softly he almost thought he imagined it. “This is perfect.” He inhaled deeply through his nose and tilted his head closer to Derek’s. They lay silently for a handful of minutes, and the rhythmic in-out of Stiles’ breathing nearly lulled Derek to sleep.

Suddenly, Derek felt Stiles still. “Why were you about to come look for me?”

Derek huffed. “I wanted to see you.”

“What, you had to check in on the rookie who can’t handle a drift?” Stiles’ tone was light, devoid of any real offense, and he jostled his shoulder gently against Derek’s.

“You did great. If anything, I— I hadn’t done it in so long, and Laura was my only co-pilot before you.” Derek frowned, remembering the heavy emotions of Stiles’ that had ensnared him earlier. He didn’t want to overwhelm Stiles, but he also wanted him to know that he both empathized with and thought highly of him.

“I never thought I would get in a rig again,” Derek continued. “I don’t think I trusted myself enough. I carry… I carry a lot of guilt, Stiles. But when I thought about piloting with you, the guilt didn’t win. You’re the first person who’s been capable enough, smart enough, strong enough, that I didn’t have to worry.”

Stiles didn’t respond at first, and a flash of panic seized Derek before he felt strong, warm fingers curl around his own.

“I won’t let you down,” Stiles said, his voice nearly a whisper and rough with emotion.

“I don’t think you could,” Derek whispered back, before he let his eyes slip shut and exhaustion overtake him.

***

When Derek awoke the next morning, he was startled — but it wasn’t in reaction to the way Stiles had draped himself over Derek in his sleep. Feeling Stiles’ arms around his waist felt oddly natural. The surprising part was how well he had slept — it was the first night of uninterrupted slumber he could remember having in months, if not longer.

***

yeah so... that’s all for now! if you read this, thanks and i hope you’re doing well!!! ❤️

#sterek #sterek fic #sterek pacific rim au #pacific rim au #my fic #tumblr fic

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aziraphaleandcrowley · 4 years

Text

Tldr: me word vomiting lots of random emotions and thoughts I’ve been having about my life. Would put under a read more but tumblr mobile is shite. Ignore if you wanna, I just needed to throw this into the world cos I’ve been so socially distant from everyone in my life that I haven’t spoken to anyone about this, and I’m not sure I would’ve even if I actually replied to my friends more than once in a blue moon

...............................................................

Me: honestly convinced I’m never gonna find romantic love cos I’m ace and probably aro - at the very least I’ve never been attracted to/interested in someone enough to want to date them and the whole being sexually attracted to someone and looking a people and wanting to have sex with them sounds fake and doesn’t resonate with me at all.

Me: is theoretically a very sex favourable and positive person but the idea of sex with someone I’m not dating is just so weird to me but damn do I wish there was someone who knew me and my likes and dislikes to be intimate with

Me: is super duper disappointed to not experience love/sex but is simultaneously doing literally zero to create opportunities cos I just don’t speak to anyone outside of my family and colleagues, and the one single guy I had any interest in at work is gay and has left.

Me: reads fanfic constantly and I’m now wondering whether it is beneficial in distracting me from my loneliness or enhancing it. I think both. I think I need a break from fanfic at the very least but honestly don’t know what I’d do without it cos it’s been my go to hobby for so many years and I legit read for 30+ hours a week and that’s soo much time to fill???

Me: really doesn’t want to have kids in the future cos I don’t understand kids in the slightest and pregnancy is terrifying and I still feel like a child myself and I know this is something which may change in the future but I don’t think so and my mum bringing up wanting grandkids on a near weekly basis recently is kinda starting to put me on edge cos I’m already starting to feel like a disappointment cos I’m an only child and I’m the only opportunity for grandkids - which I know is ridiculous but it how I feel and that’s valid

Me: with my grandad in hospital (he’s gonna be fine, he would be out of hospital if he actually did what the doctors and nurses said about doing exercises etc) it has made me think about the family I do have which is: my mum, my dad, my grandad and my uncle. That’s it. I have two other uncles and several cousins etc who I see maybe once a year but they don’t really count.

Me: has a handful of really amazing friends who I haven’t spoken to in months and I don’t even really know why. They’ve all messaged me and I just havent replied. I’m not trying to actively push them away like I did with a friend in the past who I just felt drained with in the end whenever we interacted, but honestly every time I get a message I just feel exhausted at the prospect of ongoing social interaction. And it’s silly cos I know exactly the kind of thing I could message people about to start a conversation, like I could talk to Emily about finally watching Hamilton and how it’s been two weeks and I’m still listening to song on repeat and how she was right about how good it is and yet it’s been a week and a half since I’ve thought about sending that message and yet I haven’t and just uggghhhh @me

Me: is horrified by the idea of being alone for life romantically, and knowing that between my ever dwindling family and me not talking to my friends that being alone if more likely that I ever want to think about

Me: wants to live a happy life of my own but don’t know how to. I want to move out but can’t afford to on my own and it’s super impractical when I can live with my parents for £20 per week for food. But god forbid if anything happens to one of my parents I’m gonna be stuck at home forever cos I have so little family and my parents have literally no one else to turn to.

Me: wants to do a masters in gender and sexuality studies writing about representations of asexuality on screen but I know I could write and entire book which would be great for phd level but I missed the deadline to apply cos June was crazy and all I’ve been doing recently is working 6 days a week then working on my car for a day before working another 6 days. And even if I did a masters and maybe eventually a phd I have no idea what I’d actually do with it? I have so little ambition for anything right now and the future is just a void of mystery in which I don’t even know what I want???

Me: is starting to think I might actually be kinda depressed. I’ve thought it on and off for longer than I’ll ever admit but I’d do quizzes online and they’d say I wasn’t so I didn’t really think too much more about it (and yes I know an online quiz is shit and means nothing but there’s no one I would want to talk to about it cos I feel like I have to be strong for the people around me and shit but yeah). I know I’m not happy, but that doesn’t necessarily equal depressed. All I know is I’m uninspired and I feel kinda empty. Doing stuff I do enjoy, if I actually do it, just makes me feel tired half the time so I end up trying to nap instead but then I don’t sleep great either, waking up in the night or when my dad is getting ready for work so I very rarely get a solid 8 hours of sleep. I’m irritable a lot too...

Me: even if I am depressed what does it matter? Like it does matter ofc, but my mum is on media for depression and it’s taking her weeks to get an appointment with the doctor to try and get a different dosage. I’m not a danger to myself or others, I’m unhappy, but who isn’t with COVID going on and there are people who need mental health services more than me. Which is really hypocritical of me to say cos I’ve told my best friend so many times that trauma and mental health etc aren’t competitions of who has it worse but it’s the truth. Also my mum and colleagues access the only mental health resources in town and I do not want to deal with interactions with people I know whilst trying to improve my mental health.

Me: I don’t know how many times I’ve said it in posts like this but something needs to change. I was set on a good course at the start of the year. I was getting out, socialising, doing new things, inspired to cook, learn to new music and change my lifestyle, and then COVID happened and since all of that has slowly drained away and I need to find a change to revitalise that. I’d hoped getting back to having driving lessons and working on my car would be a start, and to be fair it’s been less than two week since I restarted doing that, so maybe I can find a new spark of inspiration still. Within a couple of months I will pass my driving test. Hopefully it won’t take much longer than that to get my car finished and on the road (hopefully it’ll take two weeks to finish putting the rear end back together so we can finally get my car back on four wheels, then it’s just lots of little jobs which hopefully won’t take too long). The weather is supposed to be decent this week so I might work up the effort to go for a walk down the fields which always seems to relax me a little. And the cinema reopens at the end of the month so I’d finally have an excuse to get out of the house (I know COVID is not over and things should not be going back to normal any time soon, but I need to do something other than go work for 4 hours everyday and spend 90% of my time at home and most of that time in bed because I have nowhere else to go). I don’t know what else I can be hopeful for in the coming weeks but that’s a start and just listing them out here has made me feel a little better so.

I keep thinking about Patrick from Schitt s Creek, leaving his hometown to escape a life which didn’t fit him and finding everything he needed in a tiny town in rural Canada, and wishing I could do the same, but I know I’d just end up even more alone because I am not a social person in the slightest and don’t kno how to be despite knowing that me making changes is the only way to improve myself.

And then a line from Hamilton about death is easy, living is harder, and I want to make it abundantly clear that I do not in any way, shape or form want to die, but living is hard and I have an easy life. I have enough money that I was able to loan my dad the money to buy a car, and still have more savings after that than he does, I have a good that if not particularly well paid I do enjoy and I’m good at, my family live me in their own way, even tho I feel that part of my social distance and reluctantance towards others is because no one in my family is particularly socially inclined.

Maybe I just really need a hug.

I don’t even know where I’m going with this anymore but I just had so much build of of words in my brain that they had to go somewhere and this has turned into my go to word vomit place

Things will get better. I don’t know when or how but they will. But they won’t if I don’t get enough sleep for a starters. So off to bed I go. If you’ve read all this thank you, I guess, for listening cos I’m not sharing this with anyone irl just yet. And I’m sorry this is so long but tumblr mobile doesn’t let me put in a read now but I want this out in the world even tho no one will see it

#anyway ignore me #long post for ts #sorry #tmi #rebecca speaks #again #with the amount of posts i jave like this on here im really starting to think i need to find an actual person to discuss stuff with #not sure what therapy options there are in the uk cos all my knowledge come from here which is so us centric #but i think im gonna do some research #tomorrow tho #long post #personal

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rockysavannah · 4 years

Note

Jirou herself didn't know if she should do something for the fact it was Mother's day. Then again, given Videl was... well... spoiling her like a daughter, the hefty girl had attempted to do something. So she had waddled into the room, bloated and stuffed after an immense meal and attempted to sing a little song she had written. However, all that happened was the girl belching and farting up a storm, heating up the room they were in with smelly and hot gasses.

Over the past couple of months, Videl had come to really value Jiro, seeing a bit of herself in the massive musician, namely the tomboyishness and desire to help others. Videl felt somewhat guilty that her coddling was partially responsible for Jiro’s decision to drop out of U.A. on the cusp of graduation and forgo her old dream of being a hero, in favor of moving in with Videl and—for lack of a better term—mooching off of the housewife. Videl had first met Jiro at an Italian restaurant where the former bore witness to the latter single-handedly devouring a large pizza, with an idle belch and a proud pat on her packed paunch to punctuate her meal. While exposure to her own alien family’s ravenous appetites had desensitized Videl to such an otherwise impressive feat of gluttony, the daughter of Mr. Satan was still intrigued by the rotund rocker’s hunger.

Acting on this intrigue, Videl later prepared a platter of spicy tacos and a gallon of milk for Jiro and subsequently nursed the young hero’s swollen tummy, coaxing noxious burps and farts out of her. It was then that Videl began developing protective feelings for Jiro, though whether those emotions were either strictly romantic or motherly, or maybe even a bit of both, was a mystery to the two women. On top of that, Videl learned about Jiro partnership with her fellow classmate, Momo, and didn’t want to put that at risk. Still, Videl wanted to impress Jiro somehow, and she decided to do it by stripping nude and flexing her chiseled musculature for the quirk-user, whose stammering indicated a mutual attraction to her.

Apparently Jiro didn’t mind being in a relationship with two different women, considering her nonchalant reaction to Videl kissing her large gut as a sign of appreciation for the student’s weight. And thus, Videl and Jiro’s dynamic of feeder and feedee, respectively, was formalized, with Videl using her father’s money and staff to serve Jiro the finest gourmet dishes, as well as whipping up several-course-feasts of her own homecooked meals. However, Jiro’s palette wasn’t the most sophisticated, and she was just as content filling her tummy with scores of fast food confections such as pizzas, burritos, pastas, and submarine sandwiches, to which Videl was more than willing to comply.

One time, Videl sought to test the limits of her jiggly GF’s appetite by having her own mother-in-law craft a banquet designed to sate their otherworldly spouses. A bit of juvenile teasing on Videl’s part goaded Jiro into bare-handedly assaulting the mountain of Mount Paozu delicacies, crumbs, sauces, and beverages littering the hefty hero’s clothing and sipping into the folds of her fat. A tired, yet triumphant, eructation heralded Jiro’s domination of the Super Saiyan-sized smörgåsbord, her stomach reddened from the pressure of housing such a bounty of nutrition and slick with grease and sweat as it kicked into overdrive in an attempt to digest the massive meal.

Seeing Jiro’s unfettered ferocity for forcing food down her gullet filled Videl with feelings of lust and maternity; lust for the unbridled and unabashed manner in which Jiro conquered her fiendish feast, and maternity at how Jiro was now dependent on her to ease her post-meal tummy ache. Needless to say, Videl spent hours massaging Jiro’s burdened balloon belly as recompense for coercing her into devouring the feast, a symphony of gut gurgling, flatulence, and eructation echoing throughout the Son Family household. Jiro’s helpless cooing as she felt Videl’s strong, yet tender, hands nurse her overtaxed abdomen only heightened Videl’s matriarchal nature, being reminded of her own daughter’s whines whenever she was in discomfort. Seeking to ease Jiro’s pain even more, Videl planted a plethora of kisses all over the feedee’s gut, as well as her face, the housewife assuring Jiro that she’d give the student as much nurturing as possible, to which, Jiro ripped a humid belch in agreement.

As the days went by, Jiro grew more lethargic in addition to growing in weight, to the point where just dancing would leave her a gassy, wheezing wreck. Her muscles, once invigorated by exercise and hero work, had atrophied and given way to still more adipose, the punk gal spending her day sitting around, watching TV, listening to music, playing games, and of course stuffing her face. Videl believed that Jiro could weaponize her slovenly habits to aid in her quest to become a hero, such as by fighting villains with her burps and farts, or just by sitting on them, or maybe even teaching her how to use ki. Videl had heard that her own grandmother-in-law was doing something similar with a Muisca woman, so perhaps they should all meet up at some point and have a gross, wholesome, and sexy family bonding time. Alas, despite Videl even offering to share her own experience as a superheroine with the plump pampered rocker, Jiro seemed to have disregarded that line of work completely now.

Hell, even her prior desire to be a musician was barely spared a thought, with the doughy dame ditching her old strings and keys. Her tummy acted as two instruments, with its gurgles reaching lower octaves than her bass guitar ever could, as well as Jiro simply banging her like a drum. Her booty also pulled double duty, with Jiro playing her rotund rump like a pair of bongos to fill out the percussion niche along with her gut, plus her cheeks striking together like cymbals whenever she ripped ass. For the vocals, Jiro had garnered the practice needed to belch out the lyrics to her loudly enough to echo from the edge of any venue, no microphones, amplifiers, or subwoofers required—in fact, her audience would certainly be deafened if they were used. Should Jiro be onstage, or more realistically, in her recording booth/dining area—as if every room in Videl’s house wasn’t already a dining area—then her state as a gassy slob would allow her to rock out in a way that no musician ever has before, or would likely want to.

So, here they were, Videl waiting on Jiro hand and foot while Jiro ate, burped, and farted her way around the house and into Videl’s heart. The wife of Son Gohan noted that today was Mother’s Day and wanted to pay her Stand-wielding Futa Milf girlfriend a visit. However, she was surprised to see an engorged Jiro toddle into the living room, one hand holding a sheet of musical notation and another rhythmically tapping her tummy. Everything about this pointed toward the former-hero-in-training wishing to play a song for her maternal figure in honor of the holiday, and Videl was touched enough to oblige her. Although, the heartwarming gesture was instantly undercut by a storm of eruptive eructations and flaring flatulence blasting out of Jiro. A moist peridot fog reeking of digesting meat, beans, dairy, and carbonated drinks polluted the room, just translucent enough for Videl to make out objects in her intermediate line of sight, like the thermometer on the wall currently climbing to sweltering temperatures.

In spite of the grotesque display occurring before her, Videl couldn’t help but giggle at her lover/surrogate daughter’s gas, being reminded of the time the semi-retired rocker burped out the lyrics to her songs during a public concert after drinking too much soda. Back when Videl and Jiro were little more than strangers, the former Junior World Martial Arts champion watched Jiro’s belching ballad on TV and nearly fell out of her chair in laughter. When the quirk-wielder’s gaseous reprise reached it conclusion, Videl managed to compose herself and wrapped her strong, yet tender, arms around the corpulent form of her blushing romantic partner.

“Jiro, you should know that I was laughing with you rather than at you. There’s no need for you to be embarrassed. I’m proud to be together with you and I’ll always love you, whether or not you’re a musician, hero, slob, or any combination of the three.”

#Asks #Old Asks #nevermindtheweights #Muse: Son Videl #Sfw

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vuelie-frost · 5 years

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F2: How do we cope?

So I’m someone who has a moderate dose of anxiety in her life, which is being combatted through therapy, medication, & learning healthy coping mechanisms. I’m no expert, but I have some experience dealing with strong negative emotions. One strategy I’ve been recommended is asking yourself, in any given anxiety-riddled situation, “What’s the worst-case scenario that could happen?” This brings you out of your own head- out of hypotheticals- and into the concrete.

Don’t get me wrong, it can be painful to think about. But it can be helpful to see where our biggest fears lie. And if you’re interested in alleviating those strong negative emotions, it’s a necessary step.

I’ve said before that I’m trying to stay open-minded and optimistic about this movie. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have fears and concerns. For me personally, my biggest "worst that can happen” theories for the ending of Frozen 2 are:

- The sisters never see each other again (with a heart-shattering goodbye scene that makes us all inconsolable) - Elsa loses her humanity to become a spirit/goddess, essentially intangible and immortal - Elsa is no longer called “Queen Elsa” in the franchise, invalidating a huge historic part of her identity - Elsa doesn’t attend Anna’s coronation because she’s “too busy” doing other shit - Disney+ makes a spin-off TV series with Elsa going on adventures (just please... no.)

(please don’t chime in with what you guys think about those ideas, at least in this post, whether they’re right or wrong... that’s not the point.)

So what if any, if all, of these things happen? What next?

Stuff not to do (I mean, do whatever you want, but these probably won’t be very helpful)

- oversleeping as a defense mechanism - eating your feelings - drinking/using substances to numb pain - stew and ruminate on the internet with people who only get your sadness and anger riled up - spend all day on the internet - engage in maladaptive compulsive behaviors (oh, hello dermatillomania. great to see you again.) - completely avoid feeling your feelings - making impulse decisions (don’t go buy a car just because “Frozen 2 sucks, the world is meaningless.”) - rant to Jen/Chris/the creative team at Disney on Twitter (which is different from an honest review of the movie, which I’m sure they’d be more receptive to)

Stuff to do

1) Grieve the movie we longed for.

This might sound dramatic and my inner critic is constantly chiding me with “It’s literally a movie for kids, why are you so bonded to it?” But that’s totally unhelpful here. It doesn’t matter why or how, but most of us in the fandom feel a deep connection to the first movie. It’s not exaggeration to say that IF the sequel crushes us, it could be emotionally devastating. Grief is complex, individualized, and weird to work through... but it’s real, and if it’s something we need to face in order to move forward, 2) Decide how tightly to hold onto the franchise.

Something being canon doesn’t mean we have an obligation to internalize it. How many franchises before have whittled their stories down to C-rated TV shows and average spinoffs? Do we accept all of them wholeheartedly?

Granted, this is hard to write about because there’s a slight cognitive dissonance that has to happen for us to disbelieve the sequel of any story. But regardless, determining your relationship to the narrative is a deeply personal choice- one that can’t be decided for you. If my worst-case scenarios happen for F2, I’m probably going to maintain my complete love for the first movie... and pretend the sequel is an AU. Or extrapolation. Accept that it exists as the canon progression, but reject its meaning in my life.

3) Get off the internet.

This is probably the best possible thing to do when the online world is causing you strife and stress. Tumblr has a tendency to be an echo-chamber; I actually only recently rejoined after a long loooong hiatus for that reason. Despite what boomers want you to think, the internet’s not inherently toxic. But despite all its good, it’s also highly curated, completely biased, full of half-truths, and a fantastic vehicle for rumors.

Also realize that until November 22, anything and everything Frozen 2-related that’s released by Disney is going to make you psychoanalyze the content for clues on how to feel. We’ll all become obsessed, deranged Sherlocks in our own right. Don't let it consume you.

4) Creatively output your thoughts & feelings

Headcanons, AUs, derivative work, fan fiction, fan art all serve us well (and are way healthier than like, downing an entire chocolate cake in sadness.) I’m an artist and you bet your biscuits I’ll be sketching Elsa for weeks and WEEKS before & after the premiere. It’s just how I process things.

Another thing I’ve decided I’m going to do if any of my worst-case scenario fears are realized is: write letters to the sisters as if they were real people. Talk to them about the ending. Jen Lee kept journals writing to/from the girls when they were conceptualizing the movie; I think there’s merit in letting the characters speak for themselves.

5) Employ your favorite coping mechanisms

These are personal to you, but could include:

- meditation - working out or exercising - yoga - writing/drawing (see above point) - making coffee or tea & relax in bed with a book - talk to someone about it, bonus points if it’s someone in the “real world” - take a walk outside - use breathing exercises - take a hot bath or shower - clean your room/house/apartment - put on music - cook - play with a pet - do something with a friend Note that all of these have to do with the external world. Distraction doesn’t heal us by itself (which is why denial is a poor way of dealing with shit,) but it helps our brains reset in the background. It sets the rest of the world into perspective, so that we can more effectively face our negative emotions later. Remember, there’s nothing wrong with putting off processing until you’ve done something helpful or enriching. “Listen brain, we can cry later, right now I’m going to bake pumpkin cookies and you can’t stop me.”

6) Remember story is told to connect us with the real world

The idea of escapism is a bit paradoxical, because in pursuing a fantasy world, we’re only working to realize our desires in the real world. The reason we love Frozen so much is because we want that kind of love in our own lives... and the fairy tale reminds us that it’s real. Idealized and sanitized by The Mouse, sure, but it’s real.

It may be painful to acknowledge but: we don’t need Elsa, Anna, Kristoff, or Olaf in order to flourish. Fiction exists to affect us in the real world. Frozen is one story among many- MANY!- that have the potential to sculpt your own personal future. That’s not to say it doesn’t retain a deep meaningful significance for us. I’m going to hold the first movie in my heart forever, that I know for sure. But its reasons for being great are because it plants us in reality. Can you imagine a beautiful young woman with the ability to freeze ice? Maybe that’s not plausible. But an undying, fiercely loyal commitment between two women? Hell yeah. 7) Recognize idolization & parasocial relationships where they may be... and start to heal them

This is heavy stuff that might require a professional to help you sort through- but if you’re truly suffering, paralyzed, or flung into a depressive episode due to any life circumstance (including a movie sequel,) it’s not silly to seek help in order to move forward.

Parasocial relationships are perceived relationships where the other party (usually a celebrity, in terms of celebrity worship) doesn’t know you. Fictional worlds can fall into this category as well. It’s a one-side relationship that feels unbalanced when the other party does something we don't like. This is a studied topic I’m not super knowledgable on, but here are some links to more information if you’re interested: Why We Get So Attached To Fictional Characters by Kimberly Truong

Parasocial Relationships with Fictional Characters in Therapy by Kathleen Gannon

Parasocial Break-Up from Favorite Television Characters: The Role of Attachment Styles and Relationship Intensity by Jonathan Cohen

Our fictional friends: Parasocial interaction and relationships in an evolving media world by Carri Romm - - - Also: I love you guys. <3 I love being in the Frozen fandom. It’s all going to be okay.

#frozen 2 leaks #frozen 2 spoilers #frozen 2

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metaritual · 4 years

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21 Days to Thriving During the Quarantine

Many of us are facing an unprecedented situation in our lives. Our response systems have no basis for familiarity for the emotional mix our bodies are currently subjected to and this can result in a mix of defense responses, which often leave us even more confused. Here are some of my quarantine practices, which focus on physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual health. I hope they help you to make the best of any situation:

Day One - I will create and maintain a routine

One of the first pieces of my day to deteriorate, if left unchecked, is my waking and sleeping schedule. My general mood is easily affected by too little or too much sleep which is why keeping a fairly regimented sleep schedule is important and my daily schedule has been affected due to changes in work/routines. So this is why I am establishing a new one.

Having set times for meals, work, recreation, & relaxing will help to feel more in control of life and keep from functioning in a state of reaction. Some of us will find ourselves with a lot of down time, while others may be working at home while our children need home schooling. Either way, a routine will help manage whatever situation we find ourselves in.

Affirmation: I am choosing to be proactive about my own personal schedule and the schedule of those that I care for. Day Two - I will dress for the day I hope to have

I am getting dressed everyday as I normally would. This can mean different things for different people, but I am reserving pajamas for normal pajama time. Dress for the day you hope to have. Lazy days are important to plan, but if I dress for a lazy day every day, I will have more lazy days than I want.

Affirmation: Every morning is as I make it; I shower, brush my teeth, etc., and I make time for self care rituals (like baths). Day Three - I will go outside

Part of my daily schedule is to try to get outside everyday and breaking the monotony of the house is a welcome change; moving is healthy. While busier neighborhoods will be crowded during certain times, make sure to include this in your daily schedule.

Affirmation: If leaving the house is not an option, open the windows, let the fresh air in. Day Four - I will exercise

Personally, I aim for a minimum of 2-3 workouts per week. If exercise is new to you, be careful not to overdo it. There are lots of free workout tutorials on YouTube and other resources to follow when starting a workout regimine. Walking/jogging/running is still allowed, just be mindful of the physical distancing protocol.

Affirmation: I will move my body in a positive and strengthening movement that is meaningful for me. Day Five - I will connect to others

While I am making an effort every day to reach out to 3 different people via phone or social media, it is important to connect (or reconnect) with others you have lost touch with. Some of these people are close acquaintances and some I have lost close contact with but now is an ideal time to do it. If you care for others, consider their connection needs as well. Facetime, Skype, Zoom, etc. are all wonderful platforms to use to have some face to face time with friends and family.

Affirmation: Today I will reach out to ___ different people. Day Six - I will be mindful of my eating habits

I have found myself overeating lately. Most likely in a trauma response to this stressful situation. Maintaining healthy diet, water intake, and taking my vitamins is part of my daily routine and even though I’m lucky enough my wife loves to cook, it has been a struggle. So she has been experimenting with new recipes regularly to induce curiosity in our lives. Cooking for some can be a form of self care, and right now is a great opportunity to explore recipes!

Affirmation: Today I will cook something nourishing for my body, mind, and spirit. Day Seven - I will practice self care

This is a big topic and means a lot of different things to different people. How do you self soothe, or calm down to relax? Baths, music, meditation, journaling, inspirational books or podcasts… all of these can be paths to self-care. I have found that familiar tastes, smells, sounds, sights, and sensations are all paths to centering and calming myself. Having some self care items on hand that speaks to your situation is a huge help. In addition, talking to my partner and any other co-inhabitants about my self care routines and rituals has proven just as important. This communication allows us to support each other in caring for ourselves.

Affirmation: Today I will communicate how I need to be validated in self-care rituals. Day Eight - I will spend time with children

If you have kids in your life, now is a great time to make more time for them. Many children may be confused or unsure about what is happening and they will respond to your attention at this crisis and stress-filled time. Talk to the kids in your life about how they are feeling. Ask and encourage communication and playtime. Personally, I would think it therapeutic for the adult as much as the child.

Affirmation: Today I will reach out to a child in my life and see what is speaking deeply in their lives at this moment. Day Nine - I will avoid assumptions

For some, this situation is causing extreme emotional and mental health swings. Mood swings coupled with stay-at-home orders adds to the media frenzy. This is creating a lot of stress, anxiety, anger, and frustration throughout our society and interpersonal circles. I find myself focusing on compassion, understanding, and forgiveness whenever possible.I will not allow arguments over politics or conspiracies dictate the tone of my personal emotional and mental space especially when responding to those who are interacting with me during this time.

Affirmation: I will not allow my personal beliefs interfere with my ability to be compassionate with others. Day Ten - I will create a personal space

Everyone will have a unique take and need when it comes to this topic. Designing my own work and sacred space has been incredibly useful. Not only in making my home a space for both creation, but also, calm. I have seen some kids (and some adults) creating "forts" in the house. Thinking back when I was a child, a fort was a super safe space to play and be creative. Make the best use of the space you have, and try to make sure everyone has a space they can either share for alone time, or a space to call their own.

Affirmation: Today I will create a space to be productive and a place to be creative in my unique way. Day Eleven - I will limit my use of social media

My Facebook feed is a snake pit... right now. Between political disagreements, conspiracy theorists, and news media vying for my interest with their best possible headline, I am under constant attack. But only if I choose to. When I do look at my feed, I have been trying to comfort those who are expressing their personal struggle and being a positive light to those who need it. I also keep my eye out for the helpers and acknowledge their efforts. Social media is a new kind of community, and just like the local community I live in, I can choose what kind of neighbor I want to be.. On or off line. Remember that some of your loved ones (including children) may be super sensitive when exposed to discussion of the world pandemic, so be mindful of when the conversation comes up. What has helped my well-being improvement is intentionally limiting my social media intake. I have also been making the effort to write posts about how I am managing my emotional and spiritual help, to which I have received a lot of great feedback!

Affirmation: Today I will cultivate an online community of compassion and helpfulness to aid in the reconstruction of humanitarianism. Day Twelve - I will shop local

The bigger companies will have a better chance of surviving so this is why you should support your local businesses where and when you can. If you are in a position to donate or buy a gift card, go for it! These small purchases go a LONG way with the smaller business ventures in your immediate area.

Affirmation: Today I will support a local community member to build their business and morale in the best way I know how. Day Thirteen - I will check in on those in need

During this pandemic, some may be unable or afraid to leave their homes. In either case, they still need supplies. Find those people in your life or community to check in and offer to help. If you are one of those people that need help, let us know! Many of us want to help, we just don’t know HOW to. Helping each other and asking for help is how we build a strong community.

Affirmation: Today I will check in with my community to see where I can provide help the best way I know how. Day Fourteen - I will only control what I can

Situations like this remind me of my powerlessness and need to let go of control. I let go of control by taking power over what I do control. This list is pretty short - my actions, my thoughts, my feelings.

An easy way to take control of my environment is to clean, organize, and rethink my space. So in essence, we all have closets, cupboards and spaces that could use some attention… and spring is here. Spring cleaning gives us a sense of control in a situation that showcases our powerlessness. Exercising control can be very grounding and centering… peaceful. Like in the same peace from laundry, dishes, and other simple house chores. Taking control of my space is an empowering way to find peace in uncertainty.

Affirmation: Today I will control my immediate surroundings to cultivate it into a productive and cleansing place I need it to be. Day Fifteen - I will make a goal list

Short term goals, long term goals.. For those of us that are waiting, this is a good time to reflect on where we have been and where we are going. For those of us whose lives got busier and more complicated, a list of vacation spots or things to do when we get some time off will keep us focused.

Affirmation: Today I will create my ultimate vacation and relaxation spot to reflect on my accomplishments and positive outcomes. Day Sixteen - I will find time for hobbies & creating

I don't know how many times I have said, "I wish I could spend more time on that." Many of us are now presented with that “time.” Reading, writing, music, art, exercise, projects, crafts… the list is endless. Try some new things. I am hoping to discover some passions I never knew I had!

Affirmation: Today I will try something new I wish I could have tried in the past! Day Seventeen - I will laugh & smile

This is a wonderful time to be goofy, dance like nobody's watching (even if they are). Watch a comedy show, listen to a funny podcast, whatever it is, just smile and laugh. Laughter is healing and smiling is infectious.

Affirmation: Today I will find something to laugh about… even if it is me Day Eighteen - I will seek the help of a professional

Times are changing and therapists are moving to virtual sessions. This may be a good time to start the therapy you were considering, or pick up where you left off. I have maintained my normal therapeutic routines. While this may include medications & doctor checkups (if possible), be sure to consider the needs of those you care for on this topic as well!

Affirmation: Today I choose to invest time in my own well-being. Day Nineteen - I will live my life one moment at a time

I live my life in the present as much as I am able and try to focus on "a day at a time.” Often, I need to focus on a much smaller segment rather than an entire day. When I break my day into segments and keep my focus there, my mental and emotional health are less likely to become affected. This allows me to look back into the past to prevent me from finding blame and/or projecting about what the future holds.

The only truth we have in all of these conversations is right now. As the information continues to be presented, we will all have a better grasp on what exactly happened, and where we are likely headed. But today... I need to focus on today.

Affirmation: Today… I will focus on this present moment. I will bring my attention to the moment. Day Twenty - I will stay present

Staying present in an ever-changing world is often one met with a lot of resistance. Though we try our hardest, our minds can wander into the future which leads us into anxiety. Or worse, our minds can wander into the past, which can lead into depression.

Affirmation: Today...I will observe the present moment. What is around me? What do I see? What am I feeling? What do I smell? What can I touch? These will all lead me to the present moment. Day Twenty One - I will find the silver lining

“Stay Gold, Ponyboy, stay gold.” Gold is the hardest hue to hold in nature and while JohnnyBoy said it right in “The Outsiders,” he meant it. There is ALWAYS a positive, no matter what situation you find yourself in. Look for the silver lining in everything and I promise it will lead to beauty unknown. I find myself noticing the helpers, and having a new found gratitude for humanity. I see myself helping others, and I am grateful for the capacity to help. I see myself taking care of my needs and the needs of those I care about. I see my community working together, and finding our way to the other side of this complicated time. I enjoy my downtime. I find a new stillness, a new quiet place, and I learn more about myself than I ever dreamt I could.

Affirmation: Today I choose to look for beauty.

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#metaritual #quarantine #lockdown #livinginquarantine #21daystosurvive #advice #21 days lockdown #surviving quarantine #how to survive quarantine #quarantine advice #covid19

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cryptiboy · 5 years

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do you have any advice for someone having flashbacks? you dont have to answer if u dont want ✌️no pressure

hi anon! ngl I’ve been dealing with flashbacks for a very long time and they’ve recently gotten worse, so I’m not super guru all under control no problem, but what it does mean is that I can share some of what’s been working for me, and what I’ve tried and didn’t work but could work for you!

First, identifying that you’re having a flashback in the moment is the first step to helping yourself with flashbacks- how can you manage flashbacks if you don’t even know when they’re running through your mind? Sometimes they’re really easy to identify (being overwhelmed by a bad memory or bad memories, knowing seeing and feeling these memories clearly, being physically and mentally upset by them, etc). Other times, it’s much more difficult to identify it (blocking out the memories you’re experiencing, memories only showing up through emotions after being triggered by something you didn’t catch as a trigger, etc).

Caring for yourself when you’re NOT having a flashback is also essential to your health when you ARE having a flashback! This doesn’t just mean eating healthy and getting enough sleep and exercise (although, those are a crucial part of this step as well)- it also means practicing the skills you’ll be using when you are experiencing a flashback BEFORE you experience it. For me, this means practicing mindfulness and mindful meditation: what I get from this is NOT “turning my thoughts off” as a lot of people think- it is though, being able to step away from the stream/roadway/track that is your thoughts and emotions, and watching your stream of thoughts (whether positive or negative) with compassion and curiosity for yourself and your thoughts and emotions. I’m probably not explaining it as well as I’d like, but I reccomend finding some articles or books on it if you’re interested!

What I’ve also learned from meditation is: BREATHING. If you don’t take anything else away from this answer, at least take this: breathing will save your life, literally. When you’re flashing back, take a moment to check in with your breath. Ask yourself and your body questions like: am I breathing right now? (Sometimes the answer is no) how quickly am I breathing? How deeply am I breathing? Am I breathing from my stomach or my chest? (Aim for stomach breathing, something most people need to relearn) Try to gently move all of your focus and attention into how you are breathing- when you realize your mind as wandered over to something upsetting, allow that something to move along down your stream of thoughts, and gently and lovingly bring your attention back to breathing (there’s the meditation again!) counting how long your breaths take, as well as how many breaths you have taken, as well as the sensations of breathing can keep your mind busy with tasks meant to calm down instead of rile up. Make sure to do at least three or four breaths before trying anything else, but you can absolutely do this for as long as you like (for the entire day, in fact! Sitting or standing still is good to start, but this can be practiced on the bus, in school, at work, on a walk- you name it, if you can breath then you can practice breathing!)

This is where I WILL interject myself- if you don’t have a therapist and haven’t talked to your doctor about this, I really reccomend doing that! They’re called a care team because they care for your health and well-being, and will have a lot more helpful resources and personalized advice than I do :) I’m also not a liscesnsed therapist or doctor or psych, this is all advice from one survivor to another

Once you feel like you are calm and okay with facing your thoughts (please do not worry if this takes much longer than you anticipated, recovery is not a race no matter what anyone tells you), you may try observing your thoughts and emotions with more attention (while still mentally distanced from them)- no emotions are bad, it is only how we act on our thoughts and emotions that can harm or help. So, sit with them and sort out what exactly is going on- can you identify what triggered this? What are your primary and secondary emotions? If you get overwhelmed (which happens for most people, often), gently take yourself away from that train of thought and bring yourself back to breathing, grounding, and self soothing. The outcome of observing your thoughts should be a calm and slightly relieved understanding- it should definitely NOT be triggering yourself into another flashback, or sitting with bad emotions and letting them build up. This step is difficult, and still one I’m personally struggling with

I talked about breathing, but what are grounding and self soothing? Let’s get into it! Grounding is when you pull yourself back into the present, physical, realistic moment around you- a popular method is to name five of each sense- 5 colors you can see, 5 sounds you can hear, 5 textures you can feel. You can also just take in the environment around you- notice details of different things, allowing yourself to flow between details and different senses and objects, thinking about how they connect and how they make your body feel- seek out sensations that you know make you calm in times of upset, like making yourself a cup of tea, holding a favorite stuffed animal, or listening to cheerful or calming music. The purpose of grounding is to recalibrate your emotions and allow them to level out, as well as healthily distract yourself.

The other healthy way to distract yourself that I mentioned is self soothing! A lot of the stuff I mentioned above can count as self soothing (like making yourself tea or listening to music)- self soothing is simply the act of soothing yourself in a healthy, positive way. Many of us have picked up unhealthy ways of self soothing (self harm and drug abuse, for instance). If you recognize an unhealthy habit, don’t berate yourself for it, you had the right idea in trying to self sooth! Instead, allow yourself to learn new, healthier ways of coping the replace the old negative ways. Some other healthy ways of self soothing include: giving yourself a bath/shower, self massage, exercise (this can range anywhere from rock climbing to running to yoga to dance- get physical in a healthy healing way!), cooking a delicious meal for yourself... there are many, many more self soothing ideas out there, these are just a few!

Remember that no matter what you take from this, meet yourself with compassion and a willingness to listen and help yourself- flashbacks can feel like an attack on yourself by yourself, and there’s often a lot of self loathing and shame that naturally comes with the problems associated with flashbacks- please, try to always gently remind yourself that: it isn’t your fault. You were hurt in some way, it is natural for you to be experiencing these things after being hurt. Flashbacks are a way for our brain to try and figure out how to do the situation better next time- but that have gotten out of hand, and have started to harm instead of help (your body doesn’t know that though- it is just trying to keep you alive and safe!) remember that you are in control (even if it doesn’t feel like it), you are important, you are strong, and you are not alone in this.

Although this post is long, it only barely scratches the surface of the well of help and hope for people experiencing flashbacks. I hope this helps somewhat, keep breathing, and feel free to message me again!

#i didnt go back and edit this was all written in one go im so sorry if its incomprehensible #anonymous #answered #flashbacks #long post

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twistednuns · 5 years

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February 2020

I managed to use my iPad as a second monitor for my computer. So tech savvy. Yay me!

Joking about developing a sex-based cardio programme with Manu. Powerfucking! Might help against aggression as well.

A late night phone call with Tom. Not saying much.

Making a huge pot of my grandmother’s signature veggie stew.

More Bon Appétit test kitchen videos. Chris recreating tacos. Claire making Ben&Jerry’s. Priya making her mum’s Indian curries.

Writing a letter to Lena. Drawing upside down bats (which makes them look like they’re having a wicked dance-off). Just the act of writing. I thoroughly enjoy looking at my handwriting.

Using the Salted Coconut handscrub by Lush. Especially now that I wash my hands so often when we’re working with clay at school. I feel like the peeling triggers some pressure points on my palms.

That Saturday productivity high. Cooking and preparing heaps of stuff, cleaning the windows, doing laundry.

Painting my nails like an expressionist artist.

Some portrait studies. Accidentally drawing Sirius Black.

Being really motivated to improve my Spanish. Working with Lorena, the Duolingo app and even starting my own grammar/vocabulary book.

This ultra quirky ASMR video. Also: watching videos with Erin an her boyfriend Chris. It’s amazing how well they work together. How you can almost feel their connection, how similar they are.

Carrot cake oats.

Seeing the The Darkness live again, this time with Margit. Justin’s outfit and personality, singing along, especially to Time of my Life, the band’s traditional first song after the show.

Meeting Chris. Having a Bramblette cocktail at Pusser’s. I like that place. Feels very old-timey with a rowing boat right under the ceiling. We made out in front of a tiger slide in a toy store window on our way to the next bar.

Peeling fresh carrots.

Pickling onions and making kimchi. My fermentation game is strong these days!

Looking through Dominik’s sketchbook. I loved the tree whose bark resembled a mole burrow with its underground tunnel system.

The flu. Yes, really. Fewer pupils at school. Quiet times. I’m actually surprisingly healthy. I’d guess my probiotics must play a role here… Who knows.

More sourdough experiments. Writing about it (DELICACY - a haiku. Oven-warm sourdough / salted butter, alpine cheese / and a strawberry).

Finding a really interesting list of SanFran hippie era book recommendations at the end of Robin Sloan’s Ajax Penumbra: 1969. In the mood to read Maya Angelou, Tom Wolfe, Jack Kerouac, Richard Brautigan.

Even more beautiful books: I really enjoyed Die weiße Stadt by Karolina Ramqvist, a feminist author from Sweden, and the graphic novel version of To Kill a Mockingbird. But two books that literally (well, figuratively obviously) blew my mind were Circe by Madeline Miller (mythology, loneliness, animals and plants, magic and monsters, some desperate kind of feminism, independence and strength) and Ninth House by Leigh Bardugo (magical realms, university setting, psychological depth, unexpected twists and turns). I haven’t read anything comparable in a very long time and I desperately hope that there’s more to come from these authors.

A beach collecting all the world’s single socks in The Magicians. Oh and of course seeing them break the moon. What a sight. The show is super confusing, obnoxious and absolutely fabulous at the same time. Best example: the Freaky Friday szene in which Margo and Eliot switch bodies. I love how the actors took on each other’s speech patterns and behaviour.

A new addition to my colour vocabular: celadon (a greyish green; there is a type of ceramics you’ll only see in this colour which is not surprising since the shade provides such an interesting contrast to the the earthy, rusty orange of burnt clay.)

Manu telling me that he had rarely seen people with more joy in their eyes than me (“Ich habe schon Freude in deinen Augen gesehen! So ein Leuchten kann man nicht simulieren.”) after complaining about being bored and lifeless. / Making curry with or, well, for him the other night. Drinking Liqueur 43 with cinnamon and milk. Playing the Jackbox party games for which you can use your phone as a controller.

Finding myself in a well-known sitation from the past. Lying in Frank’s bed in the early morning hours, not that tired yet, when he starts talking about his life and his depression. In English, obviously, because that’s our emotional filter. Relating, since I feel quite similar. Coming up with a suggestion for a reciprocal support system. Let’s see what we can do for each other.

Looking at travel photographs. The sea, the cenotes. Longing to go back to Mexico or Australia. Diving. Taking it all in.

Dreaming of my grandmother talking about her biggest regrets in life. Weirdly she was in a little bundle under a coffee table, much like Voldemort in the last Harry Potter movie.

My weird, weird brain. How both pleasure and pain enhance my sense of smell and increase my brain activity, almost causing hallucinations and fixations on ideas. Like geometric shapes in gloomy off-colours and a beige silicon-like surface the other night. All I could think of was a benchscraper.

Blue eyeliner.

Brainstorming three-letter-words with Frank since I’m thinking of getting personalised Nike Blazers. Sad cat. Yes but. Dat ass. Why tho.

Flying squirrels. Watching them wobble through the air. How they look like cute exhibitionist when they’re extending their limbs and thus stretching their, well, let’s just call it wings.

The fact that red cabbage has an intricate pattern like brain convolutions when you cut it open.

Talking to Sonja for the first time in over two years. What a strange person. Interesting, too. At least in homeopathic doses.

Ripe strawberries and nectarines. Oh my god. I love fruit.

Meeting Eve at Pub Quiz. She identifies as female, loves swing dance, used to be an animator and I love her style. Also, I realised that really like Betty. And Dennis wasn’t mean to me for once. I love my nerd friends <3 And I learned that Starbucks was named after the first mate in Moby Dick! Also, coincidentally they asked a question about the city where To Kill a Mockingbird takes place (Maycombe, Alabama) after I had read it the week before.

Inviting Lorena to the Botanical Gardens. I always feel very happy and very much myself when I’m there. I sometimes wish I was a gardener. Lorena was late so I walked along the Spring Path outside and it might have been the first time I’ve seen a brussels sprouts plant. Inside I learned lots of Spanish words and marveled at the incredible butterflies. The huge yellow one right behind the entrance was my favourite. Its delicate feelers were fascinating.

Washing my hands at the Keg’s bathroom. Looking into the mirror. Suddenly thinking of the perfect karaoke song… Rescue Me by Bell Book and Candle! I kept singing it for days on repeat. My neighbour must hate me (nothing new here) especially since my voice is too low for the chorus.

It isn’t hard to see how such attachment patterns can undermine mental health. Both anxious and avoidant coping have been linked to a heightened risk of anxiety, depression, loneliness, eating and conduct disorders, alcohol dependence, substance abuse and hostility. The way to treat these problems, say attachment theorists, is in and through a new relationship. On this view, the good therapist becomes a temporary attachment figure, assuming the functions of a nurturing mother, repairing lost trust, restoring security, and instilling two of the key skills engendered by a normal childhood: the regulation of emotions and a healthy intimacy. // An interesting article on attachment styles and why theraphy works; it makes me want to learn more about attachment theory. This School of Life video is a nice addition as well.

That dream. About a book shop modeled after my picture of Penumbra’s 24-hour bookstore. There was an old man in a very narrow but high-ceilinged room full of books. There was no light source except for moonlight or some street lights. There were loads of stairs, very steep, leading to the back of the house. Upstairs the man would set out cat food and on the rooftop there was an old sailing boat. One day the man decided to open the door to the roof and let visitors see the ship, much like a museum; perhaps to attract customers. However, in the next night a cat-shaped ghost appeared who reminded me quite a lot of Kot Behemoth character in Mikhail Bulgakov’s The Master and Margarita. The ghost was not amused about the old man’s decision and took away his key, a big golden one adorned with a red ribbon.

Toasted sesame makes pretty much every dish so much better.

Watching High Fidelity with gorgeous Zoe Kravitz (I adore her effortless style and her outfits), getting in the mood for making a playlist and listening to more music in general. There are all these great songs out there I forgot about.

Remembering the xkcd storm chaser comics.

Making a wicked good batch of Pho for Tom.

Spending a nice evening with Alex at Shamrock. Singing along to American Boy by Estelle. Confirming the hypothesis that the nerdy, quiet ones usually have a freak streak. That moment in the morning. Eye contact and kegel exercises.

Karaoke with Margit and Betty. Meeting Manu’s doppelganger. Same type, looks, voice. Eerie.

Making a BA Gourmet Makes meme for Steffen after he had passed his law examps. Strangely Gaby kinda looked like him after I was done with it.

Saturday morning in bed. Reading comics and graphic novels. Fresh bedclothes, surrounded by books. Since it was February 29 I thought about leap years and asked a few friends what their inner seven-year-old would have done that day (based on the thought experiment that your birthday was on February 29 and you’d age in 4-year-steps which would divide your age by 4 obviously).

I came up with: visiting grandma / eating Cini-Minis / falling asleep with my face buried in a cat / beating my neighbour Anna at Memory / drawing while listening to a Bibi Blocksberg cassette.

Alex said he’d have been outside all day, building a snow igloo. Not noticing his mum telling him to come to dinner. If the weather had been bad he would have played with his dinosaur collection. His inner 7-year-old was a hopeless dreamer who got agitated whenever his parents had a fight. Who came home late from school every day because he forgot about time when he was talking to his friend next to a hedge with thorns that looked like tiny airplanes.

Lena said she would have been outside all day long, playing in the mud with the neighbours’ kids. Of course.

#things i love #present perfect #personal #february 2020 #february #2020

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askmyboys · 5 years

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Dean and Jason

Names: Dean Williamson and Jason Bishop | Genders: Male | Ages: Dean is 32 and Jason is 34 | Heights: Dean is 5'0" and Jason is 7'5" | Species/Race: Humans | Eye Colors: Dean's eye color is Forest Green (both their eye colors are going to be for their meanings mostly), and Jason has heterochromia- his left eye is Steel Gray, his right eye is Shadow Black. | Hair Colors: Dean's is Ginger (his hairstyle is a messy undercut), and Jason's hair color is black (and his hairstyle is an extreme spiky quiff) | Appearances: Dean l o v e s hoodies, he has a full collection of hoodies and its about all he wears tbh, his main hoodie is one that has the words "Fuck Off" written on the front and "Fuck You" on the back of it, he wears some ripped blue jeans to go along with it- most of his pants are ripped and the non-hoodie clothing is also ripped mostly (thats not the reason he mainly wears hoodies tho, their just more comfy ya know?), he also wears combat boots as well (oh and as a bonus he also loves tank tops- he just wears hoodies more), whenever he DOES wear his tank tops however- he usually has white bandages wrapped around his wrists and down his arms a bit (you know- like how some of those wrestlers wear sometimes), he's not SUPER muscular but you can tell he works out for sure, he also has a lot of scars on him- nothing TOO prominent- it just looks like he got into a lotta fights mostly (and of course, he has a circle beard that matches his hair color) Jason usually wears tank tops mostly, his jeans either have chains hanging down them or their ripped jeans, and of course combat boots as well- sometimes if he REALLY feels like it, he'll put on a... "fancier" outfit, those outfits are usually leather jackets with spikes on them, black fingerless driving gloves (ya know those ones that expose the fingers for one obvs but also they kinda reveal the knuckles too), the pants stay the same in both his main and secondary outfits tbh, he has a full beard, and oh BOY does this man look strong- he looks like he can easily lift a thousand pounds (not that GROSS OVERLY muscle-y look either btw just wanna make that v clear but he just looks- Idk- is beefy the right term to use? Lmao- you can tell I dont know shit bout exercise or any terms), he also has a TON of scars on him even on his face, he's covered almost head to toe in scars- big boy's been through a lot. | Personalities: Dean is a rough rowdy boy who won't take shit from anyone even IF he knows they could easily kick his ass, absolutely against authority- don't tell him what to do and stay out of his way while he's doing it or else he'll mess you up! He LOVES to fight tbh in general so sometimes he'll go picking a fight for just no reason if he's bored enough that is, he l o v e s to cause trouble and honestly hearing people scream in frustration at what he did or caused is always funny, he likes to pull "pranks" on people as well to frustrate them further, honestly you might as well consider him a masochist at this point because he seems to enjoy pain well enough, absolutely without a d o u b t LOVES mindless carnage, p much a bad boy? like jfc- this dude needs to seriously chill out, he's not a fair fighter either so you better believe he'll use weapons if he gets the chance. (tl;dr: Rough rowdy boy, will not take shit from anyone even if he knows they could beat him up, "Fuck authority and fuck your rules I do what I want bitches", loves a good brawl for sure- he is DTF 24/7 (Down to Fight lmao I couldnt resist), has some v e r y prominent masochistic and hell even SADISTIC tendencies at this point, loves to prank people and watch them grow more frustrated, loves frustrating people in general tbh, needs to chill but he won't, an absolute dirty fighter and he WILL use weapons against someone if he can, mindless carnage is his J A M, he does have a soft side however, but uh, his "Soft side" is only for ONE person and one person only h e h) Jason is.... pretty opposite of Dean, he doesn't start fights for the hell of it but uh he definitely won't take shit from nobody if they even dare mess with him or especially Dean, people don't usually mess with him anyways tbh- their too terrified bc he's s o tall and beefy looking that it intimidates people- not to mention the look he usually has on his face- he scowls a lot which just adds to the intimidation factor, he's pretty quiet most of the time (wow completely opposite of Dean in that regard, Dean is a LOUD BOI), he might look all intimidating and scary but honestly, that's because.... He absolutely is, he WILL snap your neck like a twig if you mess with him or god forbid Dean, he only has a soft side for o n e man, and it should be obvious by now lmao, a loner type mostly, you can usually find him in the back because its dark and quiet, now I won't say he doesn't have sadistic urges sometimes bc he absolutely does- he just has good self restraint ...most of the time anyways... he's not really a masochist but honestly he must have a HIGH pain tolerance because he BARELY reacts when someone punches or even cuts him. (tl;dr: Opposite of Dean in MANY ways, he doesn't start fights for the hell of it, but can and will defend himself if the situation calls for it, will not take no one's shit for sure, VERY intimidating- even one look usually sends people running, scowls like- a LOT- like Dean: "Don't you like, e v e r smile?" *cut to Jason smiling but its v e r y unsettling and disturbing looking* " Holy fuck... Nevermind...", usually hangs out in the background somewhere- where its quiet n dark p much, loner type BUT the only person he really likes hanging out with is Dean despite how annoying the little punk can be sometimes, definitely has some sadistic urges but his self restraint can be a great deal of help when those urges come around, not a masochist at all he just has a HIGH pain tolerance and doesn't even flinch at anything hardly, hell most of the time the most he'd do is s t a g g e r a bit if ya hit him with a weapon that is or run into him) | Side Facts: I will say, Dean and Jason DO fight each other a lot, arguments and even physical stuff BUT- lemme make it clear, they'd never hurt each other TOO badly, they just love to rough each other up a bit sometimes, its fun to them and they never have any hard feelings against each other about it- bc they do both love to fight, I mean- that dont mean they don't get salty if one beats the other in a fight, they do know self control and restraint when fighting each other however- they'd n e v e r ACTUALLY cause serious damage, they just a couple o' rowdy boys who are super fucking gay for each other. Yep. you heard me, the truth is out- Dean has a crush on Jason, and Jason has a crush on Dean- BUT... They don't actually know it, like sure- they know one another won't seriously hurt each other which both of them respect each other for that, but Jason doesn't know Dean has a crush on him, and Dean doesn't know Jason has a crush on him especially, I mean hell- Jason looks like he barely has any emotion and the only time he does is when he CAN cause some mindless carnage or destruction- most of the time he just looks pissed off. Truth be told, this is the only time they've ever r e a l l y been afraid tho... like, Dean's scared to tell Jason his feelings bc what if Jason rejects him or for some reason gets really pissed and p much leaves him there all alone, he just has a lot of fear and anxiety over this kinda thing, and Jason... he doesn't think Dean will feel the same and just make fun of him for that like "lmao your g a y? Gross dude" (listen, let's get one thing straight, first of all- their not, second of all- Dean IS an asshole BUT he's not THAT kinda asshole lmao) so Jason's got some fears of this too their just significantly different than Dean's- so if ANYONE of them tells each other bout the feelings, it'll probs be Dean firsthand- Jason's just gonna keep quiet of that in fear Dean'll make fun of him for this kinda feeling, especially towards h i m- its essentially just two dudes who's super gay for each other but terrified to tell each other about the other's feelings n shit. In Dean's spare time he usually chills out well, anywhere he really wants too (he can honestly be super chill, like MORE SO than usual when Jason's around and he knows it), but he'll usually kick back and relax and listen to some music on his phone- his favorite genre is heavy metal, punk rock, or just anything rock in general mostly- he better be glad he has headphones bc Jason would probably become v e r y irritated hearing that loud music all the time, or if music doesn't appeal to Dean at the moment- he'll watch some videos instead- he doesn't do m u c h in his spare time aside from those and well, most of the times he'll work out with Jason- which even tho Dean can be loud most of the time, Jason seems to, well from Dean's perspective- he "tolerates" his presence p much. In Jason's spare time he usually just hangs out in "the back" he likes the darker areas and the much more quiet areas, usually whenever he's got spare time he works out a L O T- along with Dean, who again, this is from Jason's perspective now- Jason actually loves having Dean around to work out with, its nice in a way... Aside from work outs, he'll sometimes read some books, listen to some music of his own, orrr watch videos on his phone as well, there is ONE thing he does aside from that though... He loves to find and collect certain items that he k n o w s he could make weapons out of, at first, Dean didn't understand why the fuck Jason was collecting all this junk but he didn't dare question it, but after a long while... Jason had came out from his little area and he gave Dean a few weapons, ranging from a baseball bat to a knife- which, Dean- he actually genuinely smiled- not that shit eating grin that's usually plastered on his face but a genuine smile came from this boy, he... he absolutely loved those weapons- he treats them fondly too even to this day.

#dean williamson #jason bishop #new ocs #my ocs #punk boys #rough rowdy boys is what they are tbh #they also super gay for each other #so have these boys

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downstvged · 5 years

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s u r v e y : p e y t o n p e l l e g r i n o.

what’s this? there’s something paper clipped to the page... a stick of juicy fruit. how thoughtful.

basic information

FULL NAME: jamie claverton peyton pellegrino PRONUNCIATION: PAY-ton pell-eh-GREEN-oh MEANING: noble, royal REASONING: his kidnapper father said he always looked like a peyton. strong, wise, dignified. NICKNAME(S): pey, pellegrino, pillsbury ( monty ), sparkles ( tess ), etc. PREFERRED NAME(S): peyton BIRTH DATE: july 24, 2000 AGE: 18 ZODIAC: leo GENDER: cismale PRONOUNS: he/him ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: heteroromantic SEXUAL ORIENTATION: heterosexual NATIONALITY: american. ETHNICITY: italian-american. his father’s got pellegrino pride.

background

BIRTH PLACE: milton, delaware HOMETOWN: milton, delaware. his dad said he was born in ohio. everyone thinks he’s from cali, when they meet him. SOCIAL CLASS: upper-middle. FATHER: presley claverton. matthew pellegrino. fire chief. 52. west ham’s most eligible and charming single father. and peyton’s best friend. faceclaim. MOTHER: theresa claverton. francesca milluzzo. peyton never knew her. his dad said she deserted them shortly before his first birthday. SIBLING(S): none. BIRTH ORDER: first of three. the clavertons needed to fill the void. first and only. PET(S): none. but he adores anything fluffy. OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIVES: n/a PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS: n/a. he’s always been too scared of his own shadow to ask a girl out. ARRESTS?: squeaky clean. PRISON TIME?: not unless you count double-shifts delivering pizzas.

occupation & income

SOURCE OF INCOME: works part-time as a pizza delivery boy at one of west ham’s most beloved pizza joints. CONTENT WITH THEIR JOB (OR LACK THERE OF)?: very content, usually! people tip well and peyton enjoys the small talk. PAST JOB(S): assistant life guarding at the local pool in middle school, but that quickly ended after he had a panic attack on duty. SPENDING HABITS: peyton’s pretty frugal! his idea of a fun time is boarding around town with monty, or grabbing a scoop of ice cream at one of the local places. he’s not too big on driving, if he doesn’t have to. longboards almost everywhere. his dad’s job gets them ample cash, being fire chief, but they live modestly. pellegrino men are humble. MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION: his longboard. unfortunately, his anti-anxiety meds.

skills & abilities

TALENTS: deduction, longboarding, mock trial, stage lighting, studying, making people smile. he’s mario kart champion and he’ll never live that down. SHORTCOMINGS: overthinker. often, he limits himself just by thinking in circles. he... finds the good in people. assumes the best. LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: english, and enough italian to get friendly with the kitchen staff. DRIVE?: yes. JUMP-STAR A CAR?: yes. CHANGE A FLAT TIRE?: yes. RIDE A BICYCLE?: yes, but longboards are way better. SWIM?: yes. PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?: he has a guitar and plays it decently well. sometimes he’ll hum a little tune and strum a few chords, but it’s nothing too major. PLAY CHESS?: yeah. BRAID HAIR?: ha! him? able to braid hair? he wishes. TIE A TIE?: he can double-knot his shoes. PICK A LOCK?: no.

physical appearance & characteristics

FACE CLAIM: noah centineo. EYE COLOR: deep hazel, primarily chocolate with pools of mossy green. HAIR COLOR: dark brown. HAIR TYPE/STYLE: wavy/curly. it does what it wants, and he rarely styles it, unless it’s for a mock trial competition or a student gov event. reference. GLASSES/CONTACTS?: he has a glasses prescription but always wears his contacts. DOMINANT HAND: right. HEIGHT: 6′1. WEIGHT: 165 lbs. BUILD: lean, trim, athletic. EXERCISE HABITS: he’s co-captain of the lacrosse team with monty, so they have daily team workouts. he goes for runs a lot, and likes HIIT training. does longboarding count? it should. he’s boarded all over this town countless times ( it’s also how he chooses to deliver pizzas, when the weather’s alright. ) SKIN TONE: tanned, smooth. reference. TATTOOS: none. he can’t handle needles. PEIRCINGS: none. MARKS/SCARS: a few on his arms and legs from nasty longboarding falls. NOTABLE FEATURES: his wild hair. million-watt smile. USUAL EXPRESSION: peaceful, welcoming. CLOTHING STYLE: reference. leather bracelets, cuffed jeans, lots of solid colored and colorblocked tees. when he dresses up for mock trial, the girls kinda swoon. boy looks dashing in a suit. has a glasses prescription but always wears contacts. his dad says he looks sharper that way ( but it’s actually because, with glasses, he looks too similar to the claverton family. ) beat up chuck taylors, kind of untied on purpose. he’s got that whole loosely kept together, sleep deprived look down pat. JEWELRY: leather bracelets. sometimes he’ll wear a thin chain. ALLERGIES: n/a. BODY TEMPERATURE: the standard. he runs a little warmer than most. DIET: lots of pizza. mountain dew. juicy fruit gum’s basically a whole other food group. PHYSICAL AILMENTS: n/a. he can be a bit jumpy, sometimes, if he’s feeling on edge. his left pinky kind of clicks funny when he makes a fist, from when he broke his hand his freshman year.

psychology

MORAL ALIGNMENT: lawful good. TEMPERAMENT: phlegmatic. ELEMENT: earth. MENTAL CONDITIONS/DISORDERS: anxiety disorder. SOCIABILITY: very approachable. warm. kindhearted. there’s a reason he’s the one tasked with getting class dues, as class treasurer. there’s a reason why he leads the lacrosse team. EMOTIONAL STABILITY: typically very levelheaded. his anxiety can make that fluctuate, though. PHOBIA(S): having another panic attack in public. he hasn’t had one in front of anyone besides monty in a year. ADDICTION(S): does juicy fruit qualify? DRUG USE: none. very straight-edge. ALCOHOL USE: occasional, as much as you’d expect. PRONE TO VIOLENCE?: not at all.

mannerisms

QUIRKS: peyton shoves his hands into his pockets when he’s nervous. he always looks for monty or tess in a crowded room, to get grounded. whenever he wears a flannel or a sweatshirt, he always pushes the sleeves up midway to his elbows. HOBBIES: lacrosse, longboarding, mock trial, reading, parkour ( a phase in freshman year ). watching football games with his dad. trying out weird recipes. HABITS: biting the edge of pens. turning his head to the side when he’s listening. offering people pieces of his lunch until he realizes there’s nothing left for him. NERVOUS TICKS: not knowing what to do with his hands. trailing off. looking at the ground. laughing. counting his own fingers. biting the tip of his tongue. DRIVES/MOTIVATIONS: he genuinely wants to see people happy. he wants everything to run smoothly and willingly along. FEARS: his meds will stop working. he’ll have a panic attack in front of his classmates, who are supposed to see him as calm, collected, put together. he’ll never get to know more about his mom. it bugs him. POSITIVE TRAITS: benevolent, bona fide, conscientious, suave, tenderhearted. NEGATIVE TRAITS: anxious, critical, restless, self-limiting, yielding. SENSE OF HUMOR: puns. wit. a lot of inside jokes with tess and monty. DO THEY CURSE OFTEN?: not really! he’s more likely to say frick or flipping than anything bad. CATCHPHRASE(S): “ oh shit ! ” & “ dude ! ” & “ what’s good ? ”

favorites

ACTIVITY: longboarding, hands down. ANIMAL: he’s got a super soft spot for rabbits. BEVERAGE: mountain dew or 7-up. BOOK: growing up, he loved the percy jackson series. CELEBRITY: stephen hawking. COLOR: green. DESIGNER: designer? he guesses, like... is gucci the right answer? he’s not really plugged in to that. FOOD: does juicy fruit count? FLOWER: he’s learning more about flowers, but he thinks sunflowers are pretty nice. kelly’s teaching him more about those. GEM: tiger’s eye. HOLIDAY: christmas. that’s when the famous pellegrino slutty brownies surface. MODE OF TRANSPORTATION: longboarding !! MOVIE: original star trek. MUSICAL ARTIST: saint motel. QUOTE/SAYING: “ we’re dead ! we survived but we’re dead ! ” – dash, the incredibles. SCENERY: rolling hills. sunset. SCENT: cinnamon. SPORT: lacrosse. SPORTS TEAM: in connecticut, he’s surprised he hasn’t been vilified for being a chicago bears fan. but he and his dad spent some time there, and going to those games became a weekly tradition. they watch them now, and it’s like a little piece of their story. TELEVISION SHOW: saturday night live, honestly. WEATHER: that golden-hour sunshine, just before sunset. lukewarm. mid-60′s. VACATION DESTINATION: hawaii. he’s always wanted to longboard down those colossal volcano-side roads.

attitudes

GREATEST DREAM: go into tech/lighting design for broadway. ask cassandra pressman out, for real. GREATEST FEAR: his dad won’t be able to function without him in west ham next fall. he’ll panic in front of people when he needs to seem strong. MOST AT EASE WHEN: he’s with his squad, the belugas. LEAST AT EASE WHEN: he’s allowed the time to overthink. when his dad doesn’t come home from his fire shift on time. when things don’t feel right. BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT: the west ham mock trial team won the state championship this spring. BIGGEST REGRET: he never pressured his dad more about finding his mother. MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: he had a panic attack in the middle of his treasurer speech freshman year. someone pulled the fire alarm right as he couldn’t breathe. to this day, peyton has no idea who that was, but he’s so friggin’ thankful. BIGGEST SECRET: his biggest secret’s not even known to him yet. matthew pellegrino isn’t his father; he’s his kidnapper. peyton pellegrino’s fake. doesn’t exist. TOP PRIORITIES: having monty and tess’s backs. taking care of his dad, since he’s still reeling from peyton’s mom leaving almost 17 years ago. bringing the lacrosse team to the state championships. making sure every single thing he does for west ham high’s theatre department is flawless: making art on that stage. finding out how to... conquer this anxiety. finding out how to muster up enough courage to make a move before it’s too late.

#newhamhq: task #🍂 –– shallow graves for shallow hearts ! isms.#🍂 –– there's no place like home ! psyche.#yoooo..... cackle at that header image bc i'm still laughing

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ultraclops · 5 years

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I Can't Think Of A Creative Title [Mao Mao Spoilers]

SUGAR BERRY FEVER

BULL MONSTER? YEEHAW GIDDY-UP

Oh the Hero's Code IS a real book! Made by Mao's family no less! Cool

I'm gonna say it now. The pirate aunt's kinda cute.

I don't know much about cobbler but I'm pretty sure you don't put it in a trough

*screaming interspaced by cobbler eating*

Why exactly is eating cobbler against the Hero's Code? Did the first person in the Mao clan really hate cobbler or something?

"If I could have that cobbler, I would do things to it that would make my ancestors cry in shame." JESUS CHRIST HOW'D THEY GET AWAY WITH THAT

"Buuut I can't!" Am I the only one who thinks he sounded like Thomas Sanders when he said that

"Has anyone told you that you have issues?"

(Mao ominously hovers into the kitchen with glowing eyes while creepy wails play in the background) Nothing to see here.

The thing Mao's eyes do when he goes 'Oooooo' like if you agree

Apparently Badgerclops' biggest fear is 'crushing self-doubt'. Oooooo.

Tbh I had the same reaction as Mao when the cobbler started talking

I don't like where this is going...

UNCLE JIM-JIM?!

OH NO IT'S THE SCRIBBLY EYES

Okay but if Mao passed out in the kitchen how'd he get in the living room? Badgerclops couldn't have moved him because then he would've known he ate the cobbler

And that's, what, the second table Badgerclops has destroyed?

Cool, HQ has security cam - oh nevermind.

If Badgerclops and Adorabat saw the cobbler on Mao's mouth why didn't they assume he ate it? It wouldn't be there otherwise

"Ah know ah wooould :)" Sassy Adora

"And you're going by yourself. That's okay, I'm emotional anyways."

NYAAAMN NYAAAMN NYAAAMN

So the Sugar Berry Fever is literal? Like, an actual condition caused by eating cobbler? Is that why it's against the Hero's Code? And why didn't Badgerclops and Adorabat get it?

DOUBLE JOINTED BABEY!!

BEARCLOPS HAS RETURNED for like 2 minutes.

I know we makes jokes about Mao going feral but he ABSOLUTELY went feral in this episode. CBS incarnate.

Ok that's really sad. Why would you make a child destroy the thing they love and force their siblings to watch?! At least one of the sisters looks a little hurt over it.

Aaand the Bull Monster's back of course. And it has the fever too? Suspicious.

I don't wanna say where my mind went here but you probably know what I mean

ADORABAT BARKING I'M

B!TCH WENT SUPER SAIYAN - I mean GOLDEN TRUTH

If only fighting your demons was as easy as shoving a cobbler down their throat.

Are we gonna see Golden Truth Mao in the future? I like the he

Mao probably crashed the moment they got home ngl

CAPTURED CLOPS

Those stealth boots look like weird cleats.

"Stealth boots aren't toys." "Then why are mine colored like toys?" "I found them at the toy store." Isn't that a contradiction-

He used to be a villain what did you expect

HE DIDN'T SAAAVE

If BC's chores are fixing the Aerocycle and grocery shopping, what do Mao and Adora do?

"I need to be away from you right now before I LOSE IT on you." Is that a callback to The Truth Stinks or Legend of Torbaclaun? Both?

Yay another BC song, with some casual boulder-chucking

Aww the Sky Pirates are swimming together. Fambly.

BADGERCLOPS GETTING ATTACKED BY A TITMOUSE IN THE BACKGROUND ASDFGHJK

Yes, follow the cute but suspicious puppet that totally isn't trying to murder you

What's with the glowy eyes and creepy autotune?

So running away and cry-singing into a lake is normal for Badgerclops? Damn why isn't HE in therapy

MOM-MOM

You heard it here folks, BC is canonically depressed

That was quick

HOUSE MUSIC ELECTRONICA! And can we get uhh Orangusnake in the 90s?

Dang they still don't have any food? What happened to Mama Ratarang's meatballs?

ORANGUSNAKE WHAT THE HECK

I know it's supposed to be kinda sad but the imaginary food is really shiny.

So he'll fix the Sky Pirate's ship but not the Aerocycle? Priorities, priorities...

Mao and Adora Have Become Ninjas

HOSS WATERBOARDING THE PUPPET I

*Jaws theme*

"I love house music!" Trust me, I know.

DON'T HURT YOUR CO-HERO AND KID BC LET'S TALK ABOUT THIS

They're gonna take the Pure Heart? Weren't they trying to destroy it a couple episodes ago? Oh god what if Badgerclops DID get the Ruby Pure Heart's powers... that'd be scary

I can see the Badgersnake fics now

Mao fixed the Aerocycle - oh nevermind.

VIVA LA REVOLUTION

"How'd you get over here so fast??" "Badgerclops, I walked over here. Casually." Reminds me of a girl I used to know.

Hmm. Should've known the Sky Pirates not eating anything would've had side-effects

So the Sky Pirates could've just. Bought groceries. But chose not to.

"Aren't you forgetting something BIG?!" "*sighs* Thank you for having me" I mean at least he's polite??

How'd he manage to plug the ship into Benny and Penny's house though? And how'd it WORK?!

"Those guys are a little too relaxed" -cuts to the Sky Pirates panicking-

FLYAWAY

Aww, family training exercises - OH NO ADORABAT

Nevermind she's okay she just chipped a tooth.

'Physics...recital?' Do 5-year-olds even study physics? Is Adorabat a child prodigy?

Adorabat can face giant monsters but can't stand the dentist? Is she secretly Goku?

Aww, Mao still has one of his old plushies and he kisses it

I like that book it looks like there's a gemstone on it

Meditating Melvin, because you can't have enough alliterative names.

STAHP IT >:(

(Insert ASCENDED meme here)

Adora: *masters a technique that should take years* ight i'mma head out

WHY WOULD YOU DROP HER FROM THAT HIGH? BAD PARENTING BC

OH GOD THEY'RE GONNA KILL HER. good thing her soul isn't in her body huh

Oh look it's the Meditating Melvin guy. And he gives me strong Wander over Yonder vibes.

Being in the Astral Plane causes you to lose your memories?? Dang Adora better get out fast

Time for a song that TOTALLY isn't a desperate cry for help!

Bugs, smoke bombs, and popping balloons with pikes. These are the things used to summon Adorabat.

Wait, how come Adorabat doesn't feel any of the pain she sustained when Mao and BC were trying to return her soul to her body?

Yaaay Adorabat got over her fear and is ready to go to the dentist - OH MY GOD THAT IS UNCALLED FOR

THAT ENDING I

Wait a minute. If Mao said the technique took years to master, but Adorabat and Badgerclops both achieved it in under a day...does that mean they're more spiritually inclined than him or there's something preventing him from ascending?

BAOST IN SHOW

If I'm honest, I misread the title as 'Boast in Show', which made more sense at the time.

Why is Snugglemagne playing discus by himself though? Where's Quinton?

OH $H!T IT'S BAO BAO

Snugglemagne: it's free dog (and royal pet show)

"You're my new best friend!" Ooh boy.

"If he leaves me a third time, who knows what could happen? I might explode, LITERALLY" Mood

Literally everyone in PHV knows Badgerclops, how does changing his ear shape and putting on a leash count as a disguise. The guards could tell who Penny and Benny were why not him

Adorabat has a pet fly asdgdgffkh

Hey Chet's back

I don't want to imagine all the weird fanart and fanfics that'll come from this scene. Actually from this episode in general.

Whoever wins keeps Bao AND BC?! WHAT THE F-

Aww bento - OH NO ADORA ATE THE FLY

THAT 'DON'T STOP ME NOW' PARODY

IT'S THE SUIT FROM THE CONCEPT ART!

"I'm not actually a pet." "I know." Then why didn't you say anything??

Yay, Mao and Bao are reunited - nevermind Bao just wanted BC's snacks.

HE ACTUALLY EXPLODED and took it shockingly well I'm surprised

Well Mao, you did it. You pissed off Snugglemagne again.

Those combo attacks are freaking GENIUS

I'm tempted to make a "Long live the king" joke when Bao Bao bites Snugglemagne's arm

"I TOLD YOU HE'S TRAITOROUS"

At last, Mao truly forgives Bao and is willing to let him go

"Until next time." Is Bao Bao gonna come back??

Snugglemagne tortures people by forcing them to listen to his harpsichord? Does that even count as torture? And is Mao gonna get them out?

#semi-live blogging #semi live blogging #sugar berry fever #CapturedClops #flyaway #baost in show

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hvndcvffed · 5 years

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s u r v e y : g r i z z v i s s e r .

he slides it into the submission box late, because he kept lending people his only pen. whoops.

basic information

FULL NAME: gareth paul visser PRONUNCIATION: GAH-reth VISS-er MEANING: gentle. REASONING: his parents named their son after the most important trait they wanted to nurture in him: kindness. his middle name is paul after his paternal grandfather. NICKNAME(S): gareth paul ( only his mother, when she’s angry ), grizz, grizzy, grizzly bear / grizzy bear ( parents ), kiddo ( his dad ) visser, bear ( blue ), jizz ( unwarranted, miles ), babe ( tess, retired ) PREFERRED NAME(S): grizz. don’t call him gareth, please. he’ll just... smile uncomfortably and act like it doesn’t bother him, but it really does. BIRTH DATE: july 26, 2000. 3:23am. during a rainstorm. AGE: 18. ZODIAC: leo. GENDER: cismale. PRONOUNS: he/him. ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: demiromantic ( sexual attraction stems from emotional connection. ) SEXUAL ORIENTATION: homosexual ( closeted ) NATIONALITY: american. ETHNICITY: american very far back. dutch and polish ancestry.

background

BIRTH PLACE: west ham, connecticut. HOMETOWN: west ham, connecticut. SOCIAL CLASS: upper. FATHER: keith visser. one of the lead police detectives on west ham’s police force. 48. jewish. avid outdoorsman, and can often be found hiking, kayaking, or rock climbing on the weekends. has a habit of cleaning off lisa & grizz’s plates, if they leave behind some peas or mashed potatoes. snacks on leftovers for breakfast, but can make a mean frittata. the secret’s all in making sure you’ve got a super hot pan. cautious, mindful. grizz gets a lot of his serene disposition from his father. unaware of his son’s sexuality; still thinks he’ll wind up marrying tess, or maybe hannah, or even cassandra. gets a kick out of becca when she comes around the house, because she’s so little. calls her shortstack, but only when pancakes are around to make the pun stick. MOTHER: lisa “lees” visser. 46. editor-in-chief for the west ham chronicle. freelance landscaper / gardener on the weekends, for fulfillment more than the money. religious, catholic born-and-raised, but she now attends the unitarian church in town. the switch happened once she married keith and they reasoned they wanted their child to have a composite world-view, one they could interpret and internalize free from categorical restraint. very in touch with her emotions; likes facilitating family discussions. made the executive decision to pull grizz out of dance classes after one year of lessons, because her 4-year-old son donned a sparkly feather boa and she didn’t like what she saw. primarily motivated by maternal and protective instinct. wants what’s best for her son: safety. supported grizz’s relationship with tess through and through. mentions her from time to time, because she’s still unclear as to why they called it off. she wants grizz to be happy. tess made him happy. SIBLING(S): none. his parents never told him, but they lost a child in infancy about 2 years before they had him, and suffered a miscarriage when they tried for another child when he was 5. his parents don’t talk about it, and they see their lives as very full with just grizz. they considered adopting when he was around 8, but ultimately decided against it. one child fills their hearts plenty. they’ve practically adopted all his friends ( especially blue, becca, hannah, and tess ) as part of the family anyway. BIRTH ORDER: only child. PET(S): grew up with a tabby cat, doobie, who lived to be 14. as a kid, he always dreamed about having a pet kimodo dragon. gets a real kick out of chinchillas, but the visser family’s rarely home: they’re always out and about, going on hikes, exploring connecticut and the northeast. they travel often. so it wouldn’t be fair, having to leave any pet at home alone. OTHER IMPORTANT RELATIVES: his uncle james lives on the edge of town and works under peyton pellegrino’s dad in the fire department, so the families are close. they get together each year for christmas eve. his younger cousins live down by the sea in mystic, kipp ( age 4 ) & rebekah ( age 7 ). they facetime often, and the family makes annual trips to mystic seaport. they pile onto grizz’s back and have a blast running around the docks. PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS: tess de luca ( freshman year - end of junior year ). ARRESTS?: none. but he does make frequent trips to the station to drop food off for his dad and his buds. PRISON TIME?: not unless you count the one time his dad played an april fools’ joke on him and placed him in a jail cell for 10 minutes for, “ bringing the wrong flavor cookies. the biggest crime of ‘em all, kiddo. ”

occupation & income

SOURCE OF INCOME: he works as a summer camp counselor at an adventure camp during school intersession, leading hikes & nature trips. during the school year, he’s too tied up with football to hold a job. he’s grateful that his parents are willing to help him out for major expenses, but he’s definitely the saving type, so most things he can cover on his own. he helps his neighbors out with taking care of pets & gardens as needed, so that’s a way to earn some fast cash. even though he always insists he can’t take their money. CONTENT WITH THEIR JOB (OR LACK THERE OF)?: yes! granted, working with phone-addicted kids in the wilderness can be difficult, but he’s thankful to get the breather from west ham. PAST JOB(S): he used to deliver papers on his bike, when he was younger, since his mom had the connection. SPENDING HABITS: frugal. more likely to spend on experience than material. MOST VALUABLE POSSESSION: his dad’s collection of original-release vinyls by the beatles.

skills & abilities

TALENTS: writing, but he won’t admit it. football. wood-whittling. gardening. whistling. navigation. knot-tying. making sumptuous drip coffee. SHORTCOMINGS: sells himself short, a lot. his sexuality. can be impatient at times, when other people are slower to pick things up. will often take over getting something done ( i.e. a group project ) if he feels people aren’t doing it the most effective way. LANGUAGE(S) SPOKEN: english, french. a tad of latin. he wants to learn more hebrew, especially since he’s from a blended household, but that shit’s difficult and he never had time to enroll in hebrew school full-time as a kid. DRIVE?: yes. he has his own car, for ease of getting to/from games, etc. but prefers to ride his bike around town. JUMP-STAR A CAR?: yes. CHANGE A FLAT TIRE?: yes. his dad taught him how when they had to call aaa on their way home from hiking the adirondacks, a trip they gave him for his twelfth birthday. RIDE A BICYCLE?: yes. he goes everywhere on that thing. need a ride? hop on. SWIM?: yes. the visser household has a very nice in-ground pool, heated. PLAY AN INSTRUMENT?: not really. grizz appreciates music and loves listening to it, but never really learned how to make it himself. unless you count a year or two of required band in elementary school, during which he ( very badly ) played the clarinet. PLAY CHESS?: yeah. he played a lot with his maternal grandfather growing up. big glasses of chocolate milk, classic rock, and chess. BRAID HAIR?: yes. it’s all very simple, once you learn how to tie all the scouting knots. TIE A TIE?: so many. thank you, boy scouts of america. PICK A LOCK?: he’s read up on it, but never actually done it. the closest he’s gotten is cutting his own padlock off his camping locker during his 7th grade boy scouting trip to maryland, when he conveniently forgot the combination.

physical appearance & characteristics

FACE CLAIM: jack mulhern. EYE COLOR: hazel, a murky blend of gold and forest green. depending on the lighting, they look different: in bright sunlight, they look like a faded jade green. sometimes, when the room’s darker, they look more gold. reference. HAIR COLOR: deep, russet brown. HAIR TYPE/STYLE: jaw-length, straight with some wave to it. typically worn down, tucked behind one ear, or up in a tiny little man-bun. reference one. reference two. reference three. GLASSES/CONTACTS?: he’s blessed with 20/20 vision! but he’ll still try on your glasses, if it’ll make you laugh. there’s a photo of him on the visser fridge wearing his mom’s readers and holding a tray of fresh-baked cookies. he looks like a friendly neighborhood grandma. DOMINANT HAND: left-handed. but he’s worked for years to become ambidextrous for most tasks. he can’t brush his teeth with his right hand, though. it feels funny. HEIGHT: 6′2. WEIGHT: 158 lbs. BUILD: broad-shouldered. lean waist. chiseled core, strong legs. he’s got an athlete’s build for sure – he’s perhaps not as heavy as other guys on that football field, but it takes some serious force to knock him down. tall. but he kind of hunches, just slightly, to not take up so much space. EXERCISE HABITS: varsity football team. lots of morning and night runs. crunches, push-ups, pull-ups: he’s got one of those bars in his doorway. weight-lifting with the team. yoga, sometimes. SKIN TONE: light, but he spends a lot of time outdoors. no freckles. TATTOOS: none. but would love to get a walden quote, or a simple pine tree. someday. PEIRCINGS: none. but maybe once he gets to college he’ll get his ear pierced. MARKS/SCARS: some miscellaneous scars on his hands from whittling incidents growing up. a faint line across his arm from stitches, when he broke it in the peewee football league in fifth grade. he has a barely-there scar just to the right of his left ear, along his hairline, from a camping incident. NOTABLE FEATURES: his hair. his eyes. people have drunkenly said he’s got kissable lips. USUAL EXPRESSION: inquisitive, collected. he’s always thinking. CLOTHING STYLE: letterman jacket. jeans. tall socks, boots. pants tucked into socks, because why the hell not? flannels, hoodies, utility jackets layered over plain white tees. pendant necklaces, leather bracelets. occasionally he’ll wear a statement button-downs that looks like your grandmother’s upholstery, but somehow it’ll work really well. varsity t-shirts. hats of all varieties. if he could, he’d showcase some edgier styles. but he’s paranoid. he’s got a stanford hoodie buried in his closet. and a yale one, too. JEWELRY: leather bracelets. a silver ring strung on a chain, engraved with “ for sylvie, with love ”. he found it on a hike, and… figured he’d be sylvie for a day, or something like that. ALLERGIES: sulfur-based antibiotics. bullshit. idiocy. BODY TEMPERATURE: runs hotter than most. probably the first to offer you his jacket or sweater, if you look cold. DIET: grizz’s mom loves to cook, so they’re always trying some new paleo trend. some of it’s awful. but he’ll try to eat it and if he can’t, he’ll sneak a granola bar later. he’s bad at pretending disgusting shit tastes good. his nose will wriggle up involuntarily and he’ll sniffle. if the school’s serving smiley face fries, he’ll have those. he really likes green apples and those little clementines. cajun fries are some of the best things ever invented. PHYSICAL AILMENTS: nope. he’s quite able-bodied and he’ll use it as a way to take the burden off of his parents. grizz knows how to do most things around the house: fix a faucet, replace bulbs, work on pipes, etc. because his parents are getting older and he doesn’t want them to hurt themselves doing something he’d barely even break a sweat at. he’s always volunteering to help out his neighbors with heavy packages, retrieving their mail, tending their gardens, etc. it’s no hassle. so why not?

psychology

MORAL ALIGNMENT: neutral good. he’s all for what’s morally right. sometimes laws and rules leave that out. TEMPERAMENT: melancholic. ( analytical, wise, peaceful. ) ELEMENT: water. MENTAL CONDITIONS/DISORDERS: mild insomnia, sometimes. but he’ll usually just throw on some music and yield to it. guzzle a few redbulls the next day to keep alert for practice. SOCIABILITY: grizz is never the type to turn anyone away, but he does have a fear of compromising his one secret: so... if someone shows signs of seeing through him? he might distance himself a bit. but he’s often compared to glue that binds. he has a real capacity for leadership ( though he’ll never see himself that way ), and tends to be the driving force in maintaining healthy friendships and friend groups. he looks out for his friends. EMOTIONAL STABILITY: very stable. which is why when things go awry and he can’t rationalize his feelings, he gets... scared. vulnerable. PHOBIA(S): irrelevancy. being outed. loss. ADDICTION(S): good literature. DRUG USE: marijuana, but that’s it. ALCOHOL USE: what you’d expect from a popular jock. though he hesitates to think of himself as just a jock, because there’s so much more to his life than just football. PRONE TO VIOLENCE?: no. grizz doesn’t believe in using violence to manipulate or express emotion. but he will punch someone if there’s no other way.

mannerisms

QUIRKS: rarely settles his gaze on anything for more than a few seconds, except for other peoples’ eyes. eye contact is probably one of grizz’s biggest conversational strengths. probably why he makes such a good liar, when he needs to. he’ll finish a pint of ice cream and just sit there for over an hour sucking on the spoon, lost in thought. licks his lips when he’s nervous. plays with his hair a lot. you know he’s anxious when he keeps tucking his hair behind his right ear. chuckles to himself, even when things are the pure opposite of funny. laughs quietly so the skies have to lean in to hear it. dog-ears pages of books; stencils in his thoughts. his bookshelf is a catalogue of interiority: so if he lets you borrow any of his well-loved copies ( becca, cassandra, tess ), you know you’ve got his trust. burns marshmallows, but it always seems like he’s waiting for the perfect brown before he lets the thing catch fire. sneaks peanut m&m’s into the house because his mom’s on another big health kick; he munches on them in the basement theater with his dad, mischief aplenty. stole HOBBIES: jotting notes in book margins. he dabbles in poetry but feels like his shit is too beat-generation to be that cool. wandering through the woods and attempting to generate his own maps, then checking them for accuracy. lighting matches in the cold, mid-evening air just to watch them burn. watching minimalist apartment tour videos. whispering poetry out loud to himself with his eyes closed, to feel the words shape his lips. HABITS: standing in front of the mirror and trying to let the word gay escape his lips without panic setting in. asking others how they are instead of answering when it’s asked of him. when he goes to bed later than his parents, he’ll peek in their doorway to make sure they’ve gotten into bed safe. setting up the french press before he leaves for his morning runs, so coffee’s ready for his parents when they wake up. bringing donuts to the station, just to make his dad’s coworkers laugh. getting drunk and tossing finger guns around like free candies. NERVOUS TICKS: pursing his lips. biting the inside of his cheek. rocking back and forth on his heels. avoiding eye contact. growing quieter than usual. choppy focus. leaving text messages unanswered for days on end. DRIVES/MOTIVATIONS: make it to graduation and get out of west ham. live this lie a little longer. protect his friends. nurture his family. make sure his dad eats: he tends to forget, when he’s on duty. look after his teammates. keep everyone else grounded. FEARS: time. losing his family: too many people in this town have experienced that kind of loss for him to indulge in the illusion that he doesn’t run that risk. cassandra’s health might decline. when he comes out in college, people from home might hear. people might hate him. blue’s not really okay, and there’s nothing he can do about it. becca’s having a hard time, and he doesn’t know how to fix it. does he really think sam eliot could ever like him back? what if he made a mistake, breaking it off with tess? what if he doesn’t know himself as well as he used to? he’ll experience firsthand death someday. he’ll lose people, too. he’s so used to picking up everyone else’s pieces. how’s he supposed to do that if he’s the one bleeding? what if he can’t help people as much as they need him to? will his parents hate him for lying about yale? will they hate him for giving up on football to pursue literature & philosophy? fear. that one’s ironic. POSITIVE TRAITS: charismatic, introspective, pacific, quick-witted. NEGATIVE TRAITS: self-contained, reckless ( with himself ), careless ( with himself ). SENSE OF HUMOR: dry, witty. facetious, but never ill-intended. lots of eye rolls and light laughs. DO THEY CURSE OFTEN?: ask his parents, they’ll say no. but hell yeah. CATCHPHRASE(S): uno. dos. tres. & a bonus: “ what the fuck ? ” & “ i’m surrounded by idiots. ”

favorites

ACTIVITY: reading. writing. gardening. football. ANIMAL: fish. they’re so graceful and they don’t bother anybody. BEVERAGE: half-oreo half-chocolate milkshake. extra whipped cream. two cherries. please. BOOK: le petit prince by antoine de saint-exupéry. it was the last book his grandmother ever read to him, on his fifth christmas eve. he can recite the first and last lines by heart, in english and french. CELEBRITY: young johnny depp. emma watson. COLOR: a nice, deep forest green. he also likes burnt reds and browns. DESIGNER: i mean... he knows his way around adobe creative cloud? FOOD: cajun curly fries. ugh. FLOWER: there’s something really beautiful about forget-me-nots. his grandmother used to pick a few of them with him in her backyard. she was big on those kinds of things. and all those silly sayings like: tickle tickle on the knee. if you laugh, you don’t love me! grizz always faught so hard not to laugh. his toddler self would puff out his cheeks and hold his breath until the twenty-second window was up. GEM: any kind of geode. HOLIDAY: halloween. boo. MODE OF TRANSPORTATION: biking! MOVIE: mr. nobody. eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. the first time little grizz saw alice in wonderland, he wouldn’t shut up about it for two weeks MUSICAL ARTIST: the divine comedy, radiohead, pink floyd, the beatles, the rolling stones, the kooks. the avett brothers. belle & sebastian. he envies bowie, prince, and mercury for like... living their truths. QUOTE/SAYING: “ if you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need. ” SCENERY: mountain ranges. the view from the top of difficult climbs. snow-dusted treetops. SCENT: the connecticut homesick candle. it smells like cinnamon and nutmeg and vanilla and fireside bliss. and pine trees. yum. SPORT: football. SPORTS TEAM: “ centurions on me! centurions on three! ” TELEVISION SHOW: he grew up watching wallace and gromit. he’s still got a soft spot for it. he also really likes travel channel specials. WEATHER: gentle rain. VACATION DESTINATION: he doesn’t know this, but his parents were planning a month-long backpacking trip through new zealand as his grad gift.

attitudes

GREATEST DREAM: live his truth, fearlessly. get to yale and just... be himself. whatever that means. GREATEST FEAR: people in west ham will find him out. he’s not ready. MOST AT EASE WHEN: he’s with tess. the visser family has relaxed nights in, or firepits in their backyard. when he’s neck-deep in a good book. reading dickinson. listening to the beatles. on the field, where none of his demons can touch him. LEAST AT EASE WHEN: people ask difficult questions, questions he doesn’t have the answer to. you’re gay, aren’t you? BIGGEST ACHIEVEMENT: his boy scout eagle scout award. he constructed and taught faculty how to maintain a sustainable farm-to-table garden at each of west ham’s three elementary schools. BIGGEST REGRET: not getting to know his grandmother more before she passed. not... telling blue the truth. telling himself the truth. breaking up with tess. he had to free her. but it still stings. MOST EMBARRASSING MOMENT: he cried at endgame in theaters. jason hasn’t lived it down for weeks. BIGGEST SECRET: he’s gay. he thinks he’s gay. he’s... he’s not as self-assured as people think. not as strong. he committed to yale without telling a single soul, except cassandra. his parents still think he’ll be going to uconn or southern for hockey. TOP PRIORITIES: looking after his loved ones. making sure everyone’s okay. securing the centurions’ top season record. helping blue, somehow. how can he ease tess’s pain? get to graduation. get to graduation. leave west ham behind.

#ᴛʀʏɪɴɢ ᴛᴏ ᴀᴄᴄᴇᴘᴛ ᴛʜᴇ ᴍᴀɴ ɪ ᴀᴍ ! ɪꜱᴍꜱ.#newhamhq: task

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staycalmandlovekpop · 6 years

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Who You Are

A/N: (Another old request) Sorry anon for super long wait! This was inspired by the K-drama “Kill Me, Heal Me”

Date: March 7, 2018 Patient: Im Jaebum Diagnosis: Dissociative Identity Disorder/Multiple Personality disorder

Observations of the Personalities 1. Im Jaebum (The main original personality) A normal 24 year-old young man who is caring, warm-hearted, active, and emotional. He just wants to be a filial son, good friend, and live out his dreams. Interests: Music, hanging out with friends and family, composing, playing sports, and joking around Note: Due to the fact that the manager of GOT7 didn’t want Jaebum to know that he had hired a private personal nurse for his disorder, I haven’t met him yet. My contract clearly stated that I had to keep my distance from him whenever he returns to his normal state and to only approach him if one of his other personalities came out. He usually feels a sharp pain in his head like a migraine before the personalities come out.

2. JB (The bad boy) Makes himself known as the “charismatic leader of GOT7” but is actually quite stubborn, has a bad temper, is strong-minded, impatient, doesn’t listen to others, the MOST PROBLEMATIC ONE, and is quite selfish. HOW HE WAS CREATED: I suspect that “JB” was born when Jaebum hurt his ankle and couldn’t dance on stage with the other members. He was quite frustrated with himself as he felt that he was letting down his fans and the members. As a the leader and a dancer he wanted to always give it his all on stage, but his injury was preventing him from doing so. The stress had become too overwhelming for him to handle therefore JB was created to help him through tough situations and bear through the pain. INTERESTS: Getting what he wants, singing, dancing, flirting with girls, being in the spotlight, and going to nightclubs. NOTE: He wasn’t very thrilled at first when he found out that GOT7’s manager hired a personal nurse and refuses to listen to me AT ALL. CAN BE SUCH A PAIN IN THE BUTT sometimes. He’s always causing trouble and just does whatever he wishes to do. Sometimes the way he looks at me makes me feel very uncomfortable... He keeps on winking at me and saying “You’ll fall for me one day Muffin~.” He’s also been showing up a lot these days...I wonder why?

3. Seo Mijoon (The Actor) Possibly JB’s “older brother” but whenever I ask him or JB about it, they both deny it profusely. Thinks he’s a worldwide star and assumes that everybody is his fan. Very arrogant, snotty, rude, but is very serious when acting. HOW HE WAS CREATED: After receiving some recognition for his role in Dream High 2, Jaebum began to feel pressured when he got another offer for the drama “When a Man Falls in Love.” I suspect that he studied the script VERY VERY diligently and eventually the lack of sleep and stress got to him causing alter ego Mijoon to be born. It’s quite likely that’s what happened considering this personality adopted Jaebum’s character’s name from the drama. INTERESTS: Being the center of attention, acting, memorizing scripts, fashion, magazines, coffee, signing autographs, modeling, and taking selcas. NOTE: He didn’t care that GOT7’s manager hired a personal nurse at all. To him, I was someone he could order around to do stuff. He treats me like an intern by making me get him coffee, walking his cat(???), driving him to places, buying him magazines, dusting off lint from his clothes with a lint roller, and taking endless pictures of him. Since Jaebum isn’t focused on acting these days, whenever Mijoon comes out I would always catch him stealing Jinyoung’s scripts and practicing lines in his room.

4. JYP A dorky fun loving ahjussi who is health conscience and is starting to feel his age but still wants to enjoy life to the fullest. Though he exercises and can move around quite well, his knees occasionally go weak and he experiences gastric problems often. HOW HE WAS CREATED: It’s pretty obvious that this personality is based off the CEO of Jaebum’s company. He must be really grateful to Mr. Park Jinyoung for all that he’s done and admire him as an artist as well. INTERESTS: Organic herbal drinks, working out, drinking, partying, dancing, giving people life advice, composing music, playing piano, and wearing glasses. NOTE: He’s a pretty nice ahjussi when he’s not drunk or giving me long lectures about how it’s better to sing with half air half sound and why it’s good to always be honest. Whenever music starts playing, JYP gets into a dancing groove.

You sighed as you finished typing the last note and shut your laptop. You still couldn’t believe that it’s been two weeks since you took this job. Who ever thought that your first official job would be to become a secret private nurse for GOT7’s Im Jaebum?

It was just three weeks ago when GOT7’s manager came to your senior’s office, asking for someone who is plain, average, and could easily blend in a crowd. Of course your ‘oh so considerate’ senior (and mentor) suggested you, a first-year psychiatry resident who was eager to start working and was basically invisible to everyone in the office. You refused at first, begging your senior to help you find a position elsewhere in a local hospital. You knew how messy things could get in the entertainment field, and you didn’t want to be involved. Even if it was a private job.

“Kang sunbaenim, please don’t make me do this! What if his fans find out and assume that we’re dating or something?”

Your senior scoffed. “You? Dating a K-pop idol?”

You rolled your eyes at him. “I’m serious!! If something happens, all the hard work that I’ve done to get to where I am now will go down the drain!”

He then sighed deeply before placing a hand on your shoulder and looking in you dead in the eye. “Listen. You’re one of my favorite pupils and I know that you can excel in anything you put your heart to. Mr. Im is not only our client, but our patient. A patient that needs to be treated and set free from his inner demons. I know very well that you understand what it’s like to have a disorder and how it can greatly impact someone’s life.”

You looked away and sighed. Must he always be right?

“Did you ever consider how hard it probably is for him? Having to deal with dissociative identity disorder AND living as a K-pop idol??”

After a week of contemplating, you finally decided to take the job. GOT7’s manager explained to you about how they were hiring a private nurse behind Jaebum’s back, as he would never have approved of it. You also had to swear that you would never let anyone know about Jaebum’s psychological condition, even if it was already a given that every patient’s information is to remain confidential. Since then, you’ve been following GOT7 around. You went to every event, hiding somewhere in the distance like a sasaeng fan and making observations of Jaebum’s behavior. Today’s schedule was filming for the second episode of their reality show called “GOT7’s Showtime.”

“Cut! Good job everyone. We will commence a ten minute break and resume filming shortly.” The PD-nim announced through his megaphone. A moment later, you get a text from the manager:

“You take a break too. I can keep an eye on Jaebum for now.”

You looked up from your phone and made eye contact with him from afar. He gave you a thumbs up and you nodded in acknowledgment, secretly thanking him since it was an extremely hot day and you really needed a cold drink. You made sure to head the opposite way GOT7 were headed and decided to go to your favorite cafe around the corner.

“One iced americano please.” You tell the cashier as you dig out your wallet from your bag.

“Okay, that will be ￦3,550 please.”

You opened your wallet to find only a couple bills inside. You had forgotten to get more cash from the bank this weekend. “Do you accept card?” You ask the cashier with a hopeful voice.

“Sorry, but we accept cash only.”

You felt your throat get dry, making your thirst for a cold drink even greater. You placed your two ￦1,000 bills on the counter and dumped all your coins out. After counting and calculating, you realized that you were ￦50 short. You were about to sadly collect your coins when suddenly a man behind you spoke up.

“I can lend you ￦50.” He said, placing the coin on the counter.

You were about to turn around to thank the man when suddenly realized that the voice sounded familiar to you. It was indeed HIM. You turned slightly and did a quick bow before walking to the far corner of the cafe with your receipt and buzzer in hand.

That was way too close. Why was he here? Where was the manager? As if on cue, you received a text from him: “I lost him.” You were about to text back, notifying him about Jaebum’s whereabouts, when someone tapped you on your shoulder.

“Hey aren’t you the girl that was in front of me in line?”

You dared to face him and looked into his eyes. A pair of soft brown eyes, and a closed smile which you never saw up-close. It indeed was the real Jaebum who was speaking to you.

“Uhh sorry! I-I can’t speak Korean!” You stuttered in English.

Jaebum tilted his head. “Didn’t you speak Korean to the cashier just now?” “Ahh. I know only little Korean…” You trailed off, hoping to confuse him with more English.

A playful smile formed on his face. “Oh, but you must know enough Korean to understand what I just said. I didn’t ask you in English.”

You slumped your shoulders and sighed, reverting back to Korean. “Alright, you got me. I can speak Korean...Sorry, it’s just that I’m...I’m uncomfortable around strangers.”

Jaebum’s smile faltered. “Oh...I didn’t mean to creep you out or anything. I promise. I just found you...intriguing.”

“Intriguing...?”

Jaebum rubbed the back of his neck. “Ah, that sounded creepy didn’t it?” He chuckled, feeling flustered by his choice of words. “You know what, let’s just start over. Hi, I’m Im Jaebum.”

You looked at his outstretched hand, which was waiting for a handshake. Should you hide your identity? Or just tell him your real name? Maybe you could use a cool mysterious name like Midnight or something like Demetria. Yeah Demetria sounded nice.

You slipped your hand into his and shook it. “I’m Y/N.” Shoot. There goes your chance of having a mysterious sounding name.

“Nice to meet you, Y/N. I really want to stay and chat, but I have something to attend to...Do you mind meeting me for a late night snack at midnight?”

Your eyes widened in surprise of his sudden offer. Why would he want to meet up with you?

“I-um….”

You felt conflicted. You knew that it was against your contract to interact with his main personality, but a part of you wanted to learn more about the real Jaebum. Suddenly you were filled with deep curiosity, wondering what he was like personally compared to his other personalities. Maybe getting to know him firsthand will help you with your research.

“Sure. Why not.” You replied with a friendly smile.

Jaebum grinned. “Great. Meet me at the ice cream shop nearby tonight.” After he left to continue filming, you stood there frozen, wondering if you did the right thing accepting his offer. You snapped out of it when your phone rang. It was GOT7’s manager.

“H..Hello?”

“Y/N did you find him?”

“Yeah...about that….”

You explained to him about what happened and was pretty sure that you were gonna get fired...but surprisingly the manager thought that it would be a good opportunity to get to know Jaebum more. So that’s how you ended up waiting outside the ice cream shop past midnight while freezing cold.

You were kicking pebbles with your shoe when you heard someone running towards you.

“H-Hey….Sorry I’m late!” Jaebum said while breathing heavily. Once he caught his breath, he continued. “It was kinda hard for me to sneak out, but I made it. I didn’t keep you waiting too long did I...?”

“Nope. I just got here haha…” (You totally did not just wait over half an hour…) “But wait...why did you ask to meet at this ice cream shop? It’s closed now…” You said as you pointed at the sign and the dark empty room.

Jaebum gave you a knowingly smile. “That’s what most people think, but actually…”

He then starting walking towards the back of the shop and you followed after him. Jaebum eventually led you to the backdoor of the shop and knocked on the door 7 times. The door then opened slowly and a bright light peeped from inside. Jaebum opened the door wide and gestured for you to go in first. “After you~.” As you walked in, your eyes popped out in amazement. The secret backroom was filled with tables and basically everything that the front part of the shop had. You were also surprised to see so many celebrities, such as actors and idols, with their dates enjoying their ice cream together. (For their privacy, none shall be named in this story).

“Surprised?” Jaebum asked after making sure to close the door shut behind him. Since you were there for work, you shook off the starstruckness and tried to keep your cool. “Just a bit…”

“Yeah, the owner here is cousins with the TV personality/restaurateur Hong Seokcheon. He put in this whole separate back part of the ice cream shop when designing it just for celebrities to have a secret hideout.”

“Wow that’s pretty cool~. What if the non-celebrity dates don’t end well though?” You asked.

“Well if anyone were to ever try to expose the secret, the password would change or they will just move to another location before Dispatch arrives. That hasn’t happened yet though, thankfully.”

You nodded in understanding. “So~. Have you been here often?” Although you didn’t really care, you were curious to see how he would react.

Jaebum looked taken aback by your sudden question.”What, me? Pfft no...I just heard about it a lot from my friends.”

Just then, a large man came over and gave Jaebum a big hug. You assumed that he was the owner of the shop. “Ayee JB my man~. Good to see you again!!”

You raised an eyebrow at Jaebum and gave him a look as a flustered Jaebum gave you a small forced smile.

“You want the usual JB?” The man asked.

Jaebum nodded and looked over at you.

“Ahh..I’ll take a cookies n’ cream thank you.” You said.

Once you and Jaebum got your orders, you both sat down at a table near the covered windows. You noticed that he got the mint choco ice cream and made a mental note of that for your report later.

“Sooo you haven’t been here often huh?” You said, trying to poke fun at him.

Jaebum raised his hands up. “I swear I only come here from the front for their ice cream.”

You laughed and took a bite out of your ice cream. “Sure you do…”

Jaebum chuckled. “No, really! I don’t usually ask anyone out.”

You looked at him questionably. “Then what makes me special? Why did you ask me out? I know for sure that it’s not because I owed you a mere ￦50. You even paid for our ice cream without me knowing!”

Jaebum licked his ice cream. “I told you already. It’s because I found you...intriguing.”

“There you go again with that creepy-like word.” You joked.

Jaebum chuckled. “Fine! How about ‘interesting’? Enthralling? Thought-provoking? Fascinating?”

“Oh my goodness. What are you? A walking thesaurus?” You said laughing. “That’s not usually how a guy would describe a girl.”

“It’s just hard to explain...Even though I’m sure we never met before, I feel like you seem very familiar...Like you seemed very approachable..?”

Your eyes widened. Was it possible that your interactions with his other personalities gave him a sense of familiarity around you? “Ah, I see…”

“Also, you just treated me differently that how other people would.”

“What do you mean?” You asked.

“Well, you treated me like how you would treat any man you didn’t know. Haha. You probably thought that I was a creeper at first didn’t you? I just liked how you didn’t treat me like a celebrity. Even though it might just be because you didn’t know who I was...Do you know who I am?”

Although you knew that Jaebum was just asking you if you knew that he was from GOT7, you received the question differently as if he was asking you if you really knew who Jaebum was on the inside. If you knew about his secret disorder and internal struggles.

When you were about to reply, Jaebum grunted while putting his hands on his forehead. The oh so familiar piercing migraine has returned. No...NOT NOW. Jaebum thought to himself.

“Are you feeling okay?” You asked.

“Huh? Yeah I’m fine. I think I..I’ll be right back.” He said as he quickly got up and started heading towards the direction of the restrooms. Why must this happen right now? Jaebum had left his pills back at the dorm and his personalities are trying to take over at the worst moments. As he headed towards the hallway that led to the restrooms, he was struck with sudden dizziness. Jaebum held his hand against his head as he stumbled, going back and forth from bumping into nearby chairs and against the wall. He stopped moving for a moment and tried to stabilize himself. However, once he took another step, Jaebum slipped and hit his ended up hitting his back onto a nearby countertop.

Hearing all the commotion, you quickly ran over to him and found Jaebum slumping over in pain.

Your eyes widened. Did a personality take over already?? “OMG JYP is that you?? Is your back aching again ahjusshi?”

At your comment Jaebum’s pain momentarily went away as he looked at you speechless. “How did you know-”

You looked into Jaebum’s eyes and noticed that his gaze was not the same as JYP’s or any other of his personalities’. WAS HE STILL JAEBUM??

You turned to leave but Jaebum grabbed your wrist and looked at you suspiciously. “Who are you really?”

“Uhh...I...uh…”

“Who are you?! A sasaeng fan trying to blackmail me?! ANSWER ME!” He said in a harsher tone.

You looked around to make sure that no one else was looking over at you guys. “J-Jaebum...Listen, I-”

Before you could continue, he loosened his grasp on your arm as he felt another sharp pain in his head. “Ugh...not now...” Jaebum murmured under his breath as he pulled away from you and pressed his palm against his forehead. He groaned in agony.

“Hey, stay with me now. Where’s your medication?” You asked as you took a hold of his arm to stabilize him.

“Left....it...at...the...dorm.” With those last words, Jaebum lost consciousness and collapsed.

You stumbled as you struggled to support Jaebum’s weight, preventing him from falling on the floor. With a loud grunt, you managed to lean him slouched against the wall with his head down. “Wow. Best first date ever.” You said sarcastically.

When you were about to go call GOT7′s manager, Jaebum lifted his head and stared straight at you. You looked back at him with surprise and looked into his eyes with curiosity.

“Jaebum...?”

He scoffed with a smug smile on his face. “Still can’t recognize me yet, Muffin?”

You rolled your eyes and sighed with frustration. “JB.”

JB stood up straight and put his hands into his pants pockets. “Whoa calm down. I know that you’re excited to see me again, but chill~.”

“Just be quiet and let Jaebum come back out again. I need to talk to him right now.” You firmly said, not in the mood to deal with his bs.

“Jaebum? That piece of trash? Why would-....Wait. Why are you even here next to me right now? Why were you with him?! Did you get caught? Haha wow, I knew that sooner or later you’d-.”

“This is serious!!! There is a misunderstanding that I need to clear with him, so go back and let him come back out right now!”

JB crossed his arms, leaning back against the wall. He smirked when an idea popped into his mind. “How about a kiss then?”

You stared at him with an ‘are you freakin’ kidding me’ expression.

“I’m serious! I came out because you made him furious right? Maybe if you kissed me, it would shock my body so much to make me go back.”

You didn’t believe him, but it seemed like you didn’t have a choice at this point. As well, this would probably break a bunch of rules on your contract...Even though you hated the idea of kissing the sleazeball, you knew that you had to do it for Jaebum.

To JB’s surprise, you stepped closer to him and yanked him down to your height.

“Fxxk it.” You said before leaning in and pressing your lips against his.

~To Be Continued...? Maybe, maybe not.~

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