#now I'm so drunk that Siri don't know what I'm saying

[sensitivegoblin]

I'm so drunk I'm Dory aghfsdffd I'm sorry I mean esggdsfff I love e you all I'm so sorry for being an idiot rn but Gdsfgfdsg I've earned it a little 

[atimeofyourlife]

It comes crashing down

day 6 | rated: t | wc: 720 | prompts: NOT REALISING THEY'RE INJURED | Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms | Healed Wrong | "It's not my blood." | cw: car accidents | ao3 Buck and Tommy get in a car accident, the 118 are the unit responding. Buck was too focused on Tommy's injuries to notice his own.

The accident was unavoidable. A drunk driver speeding through an intersection after running a red light. Hitting the passenger side door of the Jeep.

Buck blinked after a moment, the car had barely stopped moving. He quickly took stock of his body, other than slight pain in his neck, nothing felt wrong. He slowly turned his head to the side. And Tommy.

Tommy looked dead. Blood covering him, unconscious, crumpled in on himself, only being held up by his seat belt. There was so little movement of his chest that Buck could have sworn that Tommy wasn't breathing.

"Siri. Call 911." He shouted as he reached out a shaking hand to check Tommy's pulse. He breathed a sigh of relief when he felt the thump-thump-thump under his fingers.

Time passed in a blur, Buck unable to remember anything he told dispatch, only able to focus on keeping Tommy alive. He unclicked his seatbelt, and slipped his jacket off to keep the pressure on the worst of his wounds. Keeping a check on his pulse and breathing, making sure neither stopped. He didn't even register the approaching lights and sirens, too focused on Tommy

-

"Okay, so we have a two car collision. A truck hit a Jeep in the intersection. Caller was the driver of the Jeep, he says he's uninjured but his passenger is in a bad way, needing urgent medical attention. He didn't know the status of the other driver as he was focused on-" Bobby listed off as he got out the engine, only to be cut off by Hen.

"Cap. That's Buck's Jeep." Her tone was pained.

"That means the passenger is Tommy." Chimney added.

"Right. Davis, Rosen, crowd and traffic control. Eddie, Gomez, take the driver of the truck. Chimney, Hen, you're with me on the Jeep." Bobby ordered.

"But-" Eddie cut in, as if he wanted to argue.

"Now, Eddie. I can't have anyone being distracted." Bobby was firm with his order, leaving no room for disagreements.

They went about their assignments, Chimney sliding into the backseat of the Jeep, his hands replacing Buck's too keep the pressure on Tommy's bleeding. "It's okay, Buckaroo. I've got him."

Bobby pulled open the driver's door. "Buck. Lets get you out, kid, so Hen and Chim can help Tommy." He held his hand out to help Buck out.

"We'll take good care of him, Buck. Don't you worry." Hen said, before she climbed into the Jeep to help Tommy.

"Come on, kid. Let me check you over." Bobby said, guiding Buck a little way away from the cars.

"Bobby, I'm fine. It. It's Tommy you need to worry about." Buck replied, seeming to only be holding on by a thread.

"Buck, you're covered in blood." Bobby said softly, prompting Buck to look down at himself for the first time.

"Oh." Tears welled in his eyes. "It's not my blood."

"Tell that to the cut on your forehead." Bobby lightly probed the area

Buck reached up to swipe his wrist across it. "Um. Ow. I didn't even notice it."

"You were too focused on him, which is understandable. He was the one in more danger. Hen and Chimney are with him now, so I can worry about you. You know the drill, head injury assessment, tell me what hurts, and let me see if there's any other cuts for me to dress." Bobby got Buck to sit on the back step of the ambulance. "The one on your forehead doesn't look too bad, but I think you will need stitches."

"I'm worried about him. I-I know Hen and Chimney are the best. But he was so bad." Buck said, his tears spilling over. "I thought he was dead. He was so still. It didn't look like he was breathing."

"Come here, kid." Bobby pulled Buck into a hug once he'd finished checking him over and dressing the wounds. Allowing Buck to sob into his turnout jacket. "He's a fighter. Just like you. They're nearly ready to get him out, and you can ride with him to the hospital. And we're all here for you, for both of you."

"Thanks, Cap." Buck wiped his eyes, and turned to watch as Tommy was extracted from the Jeep. It was going to be hard, but at least they had their family behind them.

Now with a follow up There may be a follow up to this one later in the month

[marauderswolf22]

it was supossed to be another microfic, but somehow it turns out 1300 words so. Tell me if you see any language mistakes and pls don's copy! btw it's two chapters.

Tws: zero, it's just angst- mostly fluff. enjoy!

"Fairy tale"

Chapter 1

Breathless, Sirius checked his Muggle bag one last time, then humbly entered the hospital wing. A wave of cold hit him, making him immediately think of Moony. He's always cold, how could Pomfrey not know that?

Desperately he kept from snorting even though the nurse wasn't around. He ran over to the bed with the chocolate next to him. A slight smile flickered across his face, saying goodbye to his worry.

-"Hey Moony." He sat down so gently that his thighs barely touched the white sheets. Thanks Merlin Remus looked healthy. No major scars or bruises peeking out from under his shirt or golden curls.

Sirius smiled again as Remus seemed happier to see him. -"Hi siri." The taller boy pulled himself up in bed, propping himself up against the sill of the tall window. Outside, there was an all-pervasive mist familiar to the Scottish hills. If Sirius hadn't been a protective romantic who didn't want to talk too much, he would have laughed at James getting lost in the mist. But now he preferred to listen to Rem, to watch the rays flash again in his eyes. He really enjoyed it.

-"How do you feel?"- Black was pulling chocolates and sweaters little by little from a large tote bag. -"Okay, Madam Pomfrey gave me a sleeping pill so don't be surprised if I get weird." -Every day you're weird too Mooney, be as much as you want. As he took the chocolate, Remus blushed the color of its crimson wrapper. Sirius chuckled in response. -"I absolutely love making you blush. Go to sleep, the drugs will wear off and I'll be here the whole time."- Remus nodded and lazily settled his head on the pillow clad in his sweater.So he didn't mind taking care of him, thought Padfoot. Its jet-black skull fell to the werewolf's lap like a faithful dog. Then they both fell asleep.

Chapter 2

Black sighed softly as he felt a hand in his hair. raised in

He looked up from above the eiderdown and saw Rem with small bags under his eyes. But he looked better than he remembered before.

His face had a rested expression, and the rays of the afternoon sun filtered through his long eyelashes. They fell softly on the freckles running down his cheeks, in hundreds of warm colors.

Sirius's heart seemed to flutter at the sight, and his owner jumped to his feet.

-"All good? I can bring you something."- Remus looked a little confused, as if he didn't know what was going on. His brow furrowed slightly, and his fingers jumped up and down as he concentrated. -"I'm fine, but I feel a little drunk."- Black, to his boyfriend's surprise, breathed a sigh of relief. He was afraid it was something with his memory. When these words hit him, he just smiled with his eyes and explained in a caring voice. -"It's just a potion you know? It should stop working in a moment, but now we can talk if you have the strength."

When the werewolf agreed, they both settled down more comfortably. Remus with chocolate in hand and back against the frame of the hospital bed. And Sirius sitting cross-legged at his legs, blinded by the light from the window. -"James told Lily that he has decided to quit hitting on her if she keeps refusing."- Sirius avoided the constant thoughts of lighting a cigarette as he usually does during long conversations. Worried about Pomfrey's thougts about nicotine smoke too. -"And what did she answer?"- A reply came after a short pause. Remus was devouring the chocolate every now and then, bringing his brain back on track. - "She just laughed."- The shorter boy snorted. -"Proggie told us that she laughs at his jokes."- They both rolled their eyes.

There was a pleasant silence between them, broken only by rustling outside and laughter in the corridor. Remus closed his eyes slightly, enjoying Sirius as he saw him relax.

This full moon was especially tender. The only thing the wolf cared about all night was the scared squirrels. And to Black's satisfaction, a dog by his side. James and Peter, in quiet moments, even went aside to, as James later said, "give moments to lovers". Sirius, of course, was only feigning displeasure.

-"Love, I've collected the lesson notes for you, and I've asked others to write the rest so don't worry."- He smiled softly without even forcing it. After a second, however, he saw that the face of the other Gryffindor hesitated between something. Before he could deliver his theses, he was interrupted.

-"You know you don't have to do this Siri."- Sirius' heart was breaking to pieces as he listened to that honey-colored voice break inside. Moony lowered his head, focusing his eyes along with stray tears down below. Suddenly the room got even colder. -"You know I want to do this. Not out of regret or anything."- Remus suppressed an incredulous look, taking only a breath. He still felt litlle bit drunk, so his control wasn't that strong as always. -"You know that werewolf's life is not a fairy tale, right? Even if it's fine now, when we live together" - His voice trembled along with Sirius' at that point - "you'll be burdened even more. I can hurt you even more. I'll take your youth away Sirius, do you want to sit by my bed every month instead of going to parties and living your best? You can have so much." With each syllable his voice cracked, he knew it was about to break. Sirius, focused on the words, didn't even notice when his eyes swelled. He wanted to stop him and just let him understand.

-"You don't have to have me. You deserve so much and I can't give you that." -The last words were barely understood. An avalanche of tears spilled from his amber eyes, graying the white fabric. Even if he wasn't welcome, Padfoot pulled him into his arms so that now Moony, taller than him, was leaning into his well-built chest.

Without a word, not wanting him to fall apart even more, he just ran his hands through his hair and down his back. He felt his shirt getting wet, drawing in cool air.

-"No one will ever give me anything better than you." He saw the rebellion in the red eyes, but he didn't let it stop him. -"Even if I had to sit by your bedside every day, if I didn't go to any party, that's all I want. And yes, I know it's not a fairy tale. But I've learned that fairy tales lie. When I see how much you go through, how good you are despite wanting it to be as close to a fairy tale as possible for you."- The passion in Sirius' voice limited Remus' speech options. He was still sunk into his body, swimming closer and closer with each point he mentioned, refusing to surface.

-"I know it won't help, but I don't care if you hurt me. If it keeps you from getting hurt, I can do it every time. I know it's a lot for one monologue, but I love you so much rem, never forget that."- How close their faces were to each other was just too magnetic. If any of them decided to focus, they wouldn't be able to distinguish which breaths are whose and whose heart beats faster.

More tears spilled from Remus' eyes. However, they did not burn like the previous ones. Sirius pulled him closer, crushing them into a hug. Remus was genuinely grateful at the time for how few words Sirius needed. Just kisses on the temple, circles drawn on the skin and bodies entwined together. Maybe it was a fairy tale?

[slayingqueenchal]

Sirius black | I promise its a "small crush"

Angst,no smut. (Y/n is james's twin)

"Hey" Remus came to you in the library. "Hi, uh, have you been studying for potions" You said awkwardly, you've been crying, a bit, your eyes were red. "Yeah, I'm gonna study" He replied, "it's killing me, how am I supposed to know what is what when they're all, just liquid" You rambled.

"Y/n, I know how it feels like,you know, the party" Remus said. "Know what? I enjoyed the party" You said. "You did, until sirius kissed marlene" He said, looking into your eyes, while you on the other hand, you don't want to look at him. "I did enjoy the party until it was over" You defended yourself, deep down you knew it wasn't true, and Remus knew too.

"Y/n, the way you talk to him, look at him, do anything near him, you're like, in love, it's obvious" Said Remus. "Then if it was obvious then why didn't sirius take a hint, a fucking hint! I've been hinting for him for months and every party he just goes with random girls, drinking shit, and getting drunk. I am in love with him Remus, but he's too blind to see that" You said, a tear drop came out of your eyes. "So you do have a crush with him" Remus said.

"I wish we never met so I don't go feral, I'm like crazy! " You groaned. "It's normal for people to have cr-" Remus said until he got cut off by sirius running to the library.

"Holy fuck sirius!" You said, both you and Remus were shocked. "Guys guys, I asked out marlene and she said yes! " Said sirius, he smiled childishly. Remus gritted his teeth, "good for you padfoot" He tried to smile. "That's great sirius, when is it? " You said. "Tomorrow,Hogsmeade!, hold on let me tell prongs and wormtail! " He said excitedly, and left.

You waited until he actually left and cannot hear you and Remus.

"For fuck sake now, I'm just hopelessly in love with him! " You cried, now actual tears are coming out of your eyes, and Remus hugged you. "I'm sure it's alright, now you wanna go to the common room? " He asked, and you nodded.

You two walked to the common room, bringing te books. When you finally reached common room, "rem, I need to take my notebook from your dorm" You said and he nodded, opening the door. You saw prong, padfoot, and wormtail talking. "Hey, what are you talking about" Said remus. "About tommorow" Said sirius. "Great" You sighed. You took the notebook, and you were rushed to go out. "What's the rush y/n? " Said sirius. "Nothing, just I don't know" You said. "Anyways, what outfit shall I wear tomorrow" Said sirius. "That one's great" Said wormtail. "Good, it is good" Said sirius. "Siri, why don't you try it in the bathroom" Said Remus "yeah sure" Said sirius.

After a few second of sirius going out. You started sniffing, holding back tears. "It's alright y/n" Said Remus going to you. "Wait... What.. Wormy, are you thinking what I'm thinking? " Said James. "Yes.. Y/n...are you I love with sirius? " Said Peter. "Yes! See Remus, isn't it obvious! I've been giving him hints! I know I shouldn't like him or more, love him, I knew he's in love with someone else but I just couldn't accept the fact that he is! " You rambled.

"Oh for fuck grace sirius is dead" Said James going to the door. "Don't say anything, James, especially don't hurt him" You said. "How! You are my sister and I care for you! " He said. "I don't want this to be way out of hand, I swear it started as a small crush" You sighed. "I'm going to sleep, and try to forget it, goodnight rem, James, Peter" You said.

When you left the door, it somewhat sucks even more. You cried even more, and there he was, sirius was there with his suit. "Y/n, you alright? " He said and you nodded, you couldn't say anything. You were so distracted that you even forgot to bring the notebook.

You walked into your bed, and covered your self with the blanket and slept. It was miserable, you barely slept. You Overthinked everything. Until.. "Y/n! Wake up! Time to go to Hogsmeade!" She said

"Yeah...sure, just go im not feeling well today" You groaned. "You sure? " She said, and you nodded. She left saying a 'goodbye!'.

You slept again, until "y/n, wake up".it was Remus. "Bloody hell rem" You said, and you finally sat. "Weren't you supposed to be with Siri, prongs, and padfoot? "

"I was, but, you know, I don't want you to be alone, I saw your friends you were not there so James told me that you need to go to Hogsmeade, you know, just have fun" Said remus

Meanwhile, sirius.

"Someone is in love with you, and you know it, you're just blinded, by me" Said marlene

"What? I don't know anyone who loves me" He said

"You know, it's one of your closes friend, she's been hinting and me, dorca, lily, remus are actually suffering about it, you barely talk to her nowdays"

"Her?, her who? " Sirius said. His face, he looks like he was haunted by a ghost.

"You're blind sirius, I love someone else" Said marlene.

"Who is she? "

"Y-y/n"

Sirius just had this, montage of you two together. "Shit" He said. "Go for her Sirius, if you want to" She said. He nodded and left.

That moment, sirius had realized, marlene isn't for him. He had realized that, he was in love with you. With you.

Y/n on the other hand

You walked to Hogsmeade walking around to see.. Sirius.

"Siri, what are you doing, arent you supposed to be on a date..? " You said. "Come with me y/n" He said. You followed him, leaving remus to go buy chocolates.

"Y/n, ive realized that that 'date' have opened my eye, that i wasn't in love with marlene, but I am in love with you, y/n" He said wisely, not like his normal self.

"Siri... I.. I love you too" You said. You two get noticeably closer and closer.. And you kissed him, passionately.

Now.. You won't be sad anymore.

[gryffinslut]

Drinking games- Sirius Black x Reader

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XD-zmjnvIJg&feature=youtu.be

Song: Drinking games- Silver Sphere

warnings: underage drinking, angst, heartbreak, my writing, swearing, like one slut shaming word, vomit,mention of food, wee bit of smutty actions.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At the party tonight

You said you couldn't leave my sight

'Cause you don't seem to like

The way the boys say I have pretty eyes

Isn't that right?

So we go for a ride

You'll cry, say that I make it alright

Gryffindor won the match against Slytherin and you already knew there would be a huge party in the common room to celebrate. You and your friends were really looking forward to it as Gryffindor throws some of the best parties at Hogwarts. The one and only Sirius Black had invited you as his date. He was one of your closest friends but you always had a crush on him. But you guys were only going as friends.

He came to you about things that he wouldn’t even go to James and Remus about because he always thought they would make fun of him for it. He swears up and down that he doesn’t like you more then a friend but you always think differently. Why else would he go to you for everything? Not to mention you were his first kiss.

Despite him saying he didn’t like you more than a friend, he always got pissed when people would flirt with you. Anytime at a party he would keep an eye on you to make sure no guy flirted with you and when someone did, he would tell them off. That’s what made people believe that you guys were dating.

Before the party, he asked you if you guys could talk about something. He expressed to you that he got an owl from his mother saying really awful things to him like how she wished he was never born and shit like that. It broke your heart once Sirius started crying.

“ I can’t take it anymore,” He cried.

“Sirius stop. You know damn well you’re a much better person than her. She says that because she’s so stuck in her old ways. Who the hell is she? Nobody,” you said and went to hug him.

He melted into your hug. This is why he came to you about things like this. You always knew what to say at times like this.

“Everything will be okay bubs, I promise,” you whisper.

“Your hugs are the best, Y/n,” he giggled.

You dance with our friends

Shining, shining

Laughing with them like you

Weren't just crying to me

But you know what I see

When you're looking at me

I am reminded that we'll never be

As you were getting ready for the party, you had a lot of thoughts going through your head. Why did Sirius say he didn’t like you, but he was so protective over you? Why does he flirt with you if he doesn’t like you that way? Why did he come to you for everything? Why are you wasting your time chasing after him?

“Hey Y/n! You excited for the party tonight?” Marlene asked.

“Yes! You need to help me pick out an outfit,” you replied.

“How about a red dress?”

“I knew you were going to say that,” you smiled.

“Yeah so we can be matching!” Marlene exclaimed and you raised your eyebrow.

“Ugh and so you can try and impress Sirius,” she added.

Marlene and a few other people knew about your crush and they always thought you guys should get together. Sirius had his suspicions about it but never said anything.

Once the party had started, Sirius’ attitude changed, especially when he got some liquor in his system. He was laughing and dancing and acting completely different opposed to how he was acting 10 minutes ago. He was dancing with some random girl that you never even exchanged more than a hello to. It kind of pissed you off because Sirius always did this.

He would always act like a different person once he started drinking. He’s a player and you know that you’re wasting your time trying to be more than friends but it’s just difficult to just walk away from him.

Next thing you know, Sirius and that girl were snogging. The most you’ve seen him do is just flirt with them or touch them while he’s dancing. You turn your attention towards Lily, James, Remus and Marlene. Aka the only people who know how you truly feel about Sirius and they look at you with worried expressions.

“Y/n i’m really sorry about him. You know how he is when he drinks. He just flirts with any cute girl,” Marlene says.

“No don’t worry about me. Don’t let me ruin your night,” you reply. “Let’s do shots,” James suggests. “Yes please,” I exclaimed.

Everyone has had about 5 or 6 shots but you’ve had about 12 or 13. You were pissed by that point and you felt so bitter towards Sirius and you wanted to make him jealous. “Remmy come dance with me!” You shouted over the loud music and grabbed his hand with a bottle of Vodka in your hand. “Y/n you need to slow down,” Remus said.

“Nah i’m fine,” you lied. You started to grind against him and you felt his cock growing hard in his pants. You took a long swing of the bottle and went to kiss him. You knew Sirius was watching the whole time and that’s exactly what you wanted. Suddenly you felt a hand grab your wrist and being dragged towards the boy’s dorm.

I wanna know if you're not okay

But I get too attached to the things you say

You don't care if I get home safe

'Cause I'm just another player in your drinking game

I wanna know if you're not okay

But I get too attached to the things you say

You don't care if I get home safe

'Cause I'm just another player in your drinking game

Sirius was dragging you to the boy’s dorm by the arm. As you’re walking, you’re yelling at him to let you go but he doesn’t listen. He opens the door to his dorm and sits you on his bed.

“Sirius what the fuck are you doing?” you yell.

“What was that little stunt you were trying to pull with Remus, huh? Are you trying to get a rise out of me because I was snogging with that girl?” he snaps.

“I wasn’t trying to get a rise out of you. I was just having fun! And why can’t I dance with Remus but you can put your lips on any slag you want to? you sound like a hypocrite!” you yell.

“It’s different for me! I know what i’m doing, you don’t!” he spits back.

“I’m leaving. I’m going back to the party.”

“No you’re not”

“Yes I am. But before i leave, have you got anything else to say to make yourself like sound like the most daft bloke on the planet?” you questioned, clenching your fists. He stood in silence and glared at you.

You exit his dorm and go back to the party. Once you got back to common room, you go to where the fire whiskey is and down the rest of the bottle. You felt yourself getting dizzy and soon your vision goes black.

Why do I chase you like

The distant rush of a first line?

Why do I waste so much time

When I know you'll never be mine?

You woke up to the sun shining right in your eyes. Your eyes scan across the room and you see that Lily and Marlene are already awake. Suddenly, your head starts pounding and you get a bad feeling in your stomach. You get up and run straight to the bathroom and throw up all of the food and dark colored drinks you had the night before.

“Fuck,” you whispered to yourself.

You make your way back to your dorm and plop down on your bed.”Damn it why did you guys let me drink so much last night?” you groaned. “There was no stopping you honey, by your 15th shot, you passed out,” Lily says. “I think you were drinking your anger away,” Marlene adds and you groan again.

“Who brought me back up here?” you questioned. “Remus helped us carry you back up here,” Marlene replied. “ A real lad he is,” she added. “Oh my god Remus,” you groaned. You remembered what you did to him last night and he still helped you to your dorm. The embarrassment is haunting you now. “You should have seen his face, Y/n,” Marlene laughed.

You blushed. “Did Sirius ask about me?” you questioned. “I’m sorry love but he didn’t,” Lily replied. Your heart shattered. Even though you guys got into a fight, you thought the least he could do was check on you or ask one of them if you were okay. You didn’t know if you should feel pissed or sad.

Treat her right

Lying, lying

Like you weren't with me last night

Crying, throwing a fit

But you know what? That's it

I am better than this

And you say once we're sober we should just forget

You guys made your way to the great hall for breakfast and Lily and Marlene filling you in about what you didn’t remember about last night. You make your way to the table and sat next to Remus and avoiding eye contact with Sirius who was sitting next to the girl he was kissing last night.

“Remus, i’m really sorry about last night. I was really drunk and I didn’t know what I was doing,” you said.“I told you that last night but you didn’t listen to me,” Sirius chimes in. “Sorry I don’t recall your name being Remus,” you snapped. “Don’t worry about it love,” Remus replies.

As breakfast continues, all Sirius does is flirt with the girl and talks about how “good” his life is. You all know how much of a lie that is. His life is far from good. His family treats him terribly just because of the different views he has. It was all just an act. He’s such a liar. A liar and a player. But you still loved him.

Tomorrow when I wake up I know what you'll say

Say that you care but that it was a mistake

And I'll be so upset for the rest of my day

'Til you call me cutie and ask if we're drinking

'Til you call me cutie and ask if we're drinking

'Til you call me cutie and ask if we're drinking

The next party Gryffindor was throwing was tonight and you were debating if you wanted to go. Sirius and that girl were not together anymore and deep down you were thrilled.

As you and your friends got to the common room, Sirius looks at you with a sorrowful look. You decided that it was time to stop ignoring him and talk. “Siri, can I talk to you for a minute?” you ask. He nods and you guys walk into the hallway.

“I’m sorry for freaking out on you like that,” he says. “You were right about me. I’m a daft bloke and you have every reason to be pissed at me still and if you don’t want to be friends anymore I understand.”

“I’m sorry too. I should have never called you that. Or said anything about the girl you kissed. It wasn’t my place to tell you what-,” you were cut off by Sirius grabbing you by the waist and kissing you. You were shocked at first but kissed back. You both pulled back and you were a blushing mess. “It took you long enough to come around,” you giggled.

“So, are we drinking tonight, cutie?”

[calypsoff]

Sixty Three. Part 2

The love of my life Mel always coming through, the fact she made me breakfast in bed is just showing wifey material “you think I could get married again?” I questioned “who, you? Girl, we could. We could be in a polygamist relationship? I mean seeing as your man has a bromance maybe we can have ours” I chuckled “thank you for breakfast in bed, was I snoring last night?” Mel eyes widened “you have always done the heavy breathing mouth open business which I am used too, chile yes. You were snoring a lot” I sighed out “I am getting fat that is why, maybe it’s me. Maybe I am eating bad things, but I crave just luxury greasy food!” Mel chuckled “calm down, you are very passionate about food. I get it baby, but then I couldn’t finish off love and hip hop either, you were snoring over it” how shameful “maybe I need to eat healthy, like my chin. It’s becoming double, don’t you think?” Mel rolled her eyes “you are pregnant! Shut up, you’re eating for two Robyn, I don’t care about anything you are saying. You’re glowing, you’re the prettiest bitch I know that is pregnant and glowing, your ankles aren’t even what you’re saying. So now what?” Mel really snapped on me, she has shut down every issue with a quickness. I must have drove her crazy with my whining but it’s true “you’re my wife for life, thank you” I am not even looking for compliments, I just feel that way “when I saw you at the Grammys, just everything about you. You look I don’t know, even more beautiful if that can be a thing. I mean look at this” Mel turned away and then bought her phone into my eye view “no way, you’re such a fan” I giggled, she has my red carpet look as her lock screen picture “so elegant, hand under bump. So protective of the baby” poking my bottom lip out “I am, thank you Mel, you’re the best” that has really made my day, I adore her so much “so are you, your eyes look bomb as fuck too. Seen your eye colour, whoever took the shot, took the money one” seeing that picture, I get it. I do look good.

Mel is actually right; I do look good on the red carpet and I never really posted my look so I thought I would do it now. I posted it an hour ago and it’s hit a million already, that fast too I don’t know how but Mel is right, she is taking me out for dinner. She is such a good wife, she asked, and I said yes because why not. I’ve ate breakfast about two hours ago and I’m here already cooking up steak, I am hungry, and I think it’s my sadness speaking. Chris text me just half hour ago, a text not even a call and the text really made no sense whatsoever, he spoke on I’m good and are you but that’s it and it’s like what? It made no sense to me because I said to him call me when he got there and he never did, I think he’s maybe hungover, so I guess but that video he reposted on his page has gone, like he deleted it just like that “I’m glad you’re here, because I know I’m not losing my mind” I pointed at Mel as I turned away from the pan “why? You might be, they say when you’re pregnant you forget things” I know damn well what I saw “so last night you told me to stop watching Chris right? Remember I watched a video, and the female was like Breezy you can dance or whatever?” Crossing my arms above my bump “yes I do, why?” See I knew it “he deleted that video on his page, I am guessing he reposted it in a drunken state, woke up realised and deleted it” Mel pulled a face confused “why would he delete it? Knowing he put it up for the world to see?” I laughed “he assumed I was asleep, think about it. I have been sleeping constantly early, he knows that so he assumed delete it, so I won’t see and then text me at the same time. So is he playing a game? Why delete it? He knew there was a female speaking, he reposted from her page too, am I looking into this too much? Did he just not want the headache, tell me” I am asking Mel like she knows “I think he just didn’t want the headache; I think you’re right in him just not wanting the argument. He assumed you would be asleep” that really upsets me “I don’t want to seem like a wife that is panicking that my husband will cheat because he won’t but I’m feeling like shit, what the fuck is he doing” I am frustrated “I tell you what he’s not doing, he’s not bout going to stress you out” she says that but I am.

I shouldn’t but I am, I am just thinking why did he delete that video so I had to find out the girl, find out her name on Instagram which was easy because of the fan pages. Chris is one hundred percent high as hell and drunk, he has a picture with the girl too which is expected. He had a very good night, and I am very unsure on what to do, I don’t want to seem like the person ruining his fun, I am thinking hard on this. He still won’t call me; I did think thirst trap but no. And I know the only reason he won’t call me because he knows I will be angry at him; I am honestly very angry him. He’s made is even worse by actually deleting the post, I mean for what “you’re thinking so hard aren’t you? I can tell with the look on your face” nodding my head “I’m not even going to be childish in this, I mean there is so many things I can do but I think I’m going to be silent and then bite when he comes back home, what on earth is he playing at” I need to stop thinking about it, i really do “best way, don’t react. If he rings then he does, he will come home eventually” squinting my eyes, I am so fucking angry “eventually, he doesn’t see how bad he looks. It may be harmless, but it really isn’t Mel, this is not it, Mel I want to fucking cuss him out” looking back at my phone, I am just here like a crazy bitch looking at his tagged pictures. Tapping on the video, from the freeze frame he is pointing and laughing. The video started playing, the video panned to what Chris was pointing at “you keep laughing but tell me, why they call you breezy?” It is that same girl that was taking a video of him, he looked at the camera “y’all heard Chris rap? Drop us a line” Chris busted out laughing “I can’t, Mr Graham is lying, he is lying” he shook his head “drop them bars, come on. He literally did” Chris is showing out, you can tell on his face. He licked his lips “go then Breezy, get on with it” I would rip that bitches’ eyes out “aight, wait” he laughed “I got something, ok. Lower that shit down, a little!” how can he just do this to me, like he is really doing this. The music turned down “y’all hear this, my nigga got bars” Chris bopped his head “yeah my niggas thugging, popping rubber-bands money in my hand, double cupping with that Sprite mix it with Zan” he lifted his cup “we some zombies here to tonight, slow motion yo bitch choosing. She said ‘don't they call you Breezy?’ I told that bitch ‘I'm cooling’ hundred million dollars, got a hundred on my chain” They all cheered laughing “right no, done. Over” Mel snatched my phone “over!” she pointed at me.

I don’t even know how to feel “we just literally got married, I am not going to cry” I said the very words and what did I do, I sobbed out “no, I am not. What the fuck Mel” Mel locked my phone “we are going, just us two. Forget the meal, pack yo shit and we are going Mexico to unwind. I don’t want to hear it, go back pack your things and we are going. And we will have our fun, you don’t need to be sat here thinking of that. That is so mean to you, what if you were alone? What if I wasn’t here, you would be a mess on your own. The blue check got to him, he thinks he can act like that and have you. When it doesn’t work like that” I sniffled “I don’t want anybody to know I have issues, I know these pages are posting it but me, us. We can’t show it, it looks so bad. I might as well stayed with Rakim least he silently just drove me crazy, nobody fucking knew” Mel shushed me “you are carrying my child, just relax. Please gather your stuff, leave the home how it is. Or better yet leave the home a little messier, you know how you dislike him throwing his clothes on the floor. I am not saying anything, but you know” Mel side eyed me, I think I get what she means.

If Mel wasn’t here, she is right I would be here just crying, I would be because first I didn’t want him to go. This was supposed me mine and his time, he mentioned that we don’t have alone time and when we do he planned that. Chris is very much my weakness and I hate that for me “it’s annoying me already” turning to Mel “mhmm well he likes to have his clothes on the floor doesn’t he not? Well there he goes, anyways you packed? Don’t make the bed, leave everything to what it is. A mess, you tell me how you are here doing all these things for him to just go, like that too. And left you alone, you’re pregnant. You needed someone here to make sure you’re ok, it was wrong and he needs to learn. Chris is as you said, not the cheating type but he very friendly and that is trouble but he will for sure realise he fucked up when he sees the home like this. Those pans that you cooked steak on, I hope he can scrub, I just made myself a milkshake too. So we ready” nodding my head, my phone started ringing “poppa” siri said his name, rolling my eyes “he calls you now, but don’t be made. Don’t do it” nodding my head, answering the call “hey” I breathed out “you didn’t answer my text everything ok?” I didn’t answer his text hours ago “yeah fine, just doing nothing as you left me like this” Mel eye-balled me “I will be back twin, it’s just the weekend. I miss you” he hasn’t mentioned the video situation “you too, oh my mom is ringing. I need to answer this” I lied “I will call you later then. I love you” I hate him “too” that is all I said before disconnecting the call, I am going to go Mexico and relax.

The perks of having a jet, you can be in one place to another just like that “you even got me the home I like, oh god. You’re the best, thank you” that is so sweet of her “I mean I rather you let me pay for this, it’s unfair on you” Mel waved me off “be quiet, you always take me everywhere and you pay for everything, you think I can’t do this for you? Don’t be silly, anyways you can have your phone back. I am sure you are bored without it” Mel banned me from my phone “thank you, I still need to keep an eye on him because he is my husband, you know” taking my phone from Mel “of course, just I didn’t want you to dwell on it you know” she has a point “and right on time” Chris is calling, he did say he would call me later. Answering the call “yes?” I rather he didn’t call me, I am not going to question anything including the face he didn’t call me either “I am sure your momma off the phone now” sitting down on the couch “yeah” I breathed out “I am just sat on the side lines, Drake has a basketball court in his home. It’s so dope” he hasn’t even mentioned the partying, he is so full of shit, I can’t believe him “nice, erm I am tired. You have fun there” I swear I can hear it, moving the phone away from my ear and putting on loud speaker, there is girls in the background, I can hear it “sure, are you angry with me? Look I don’t know that blog shit, they are lying” oh he knows “I haven’t seen it” I lied “aight, speak soon then” disconnecting the call, he knows I am off with him, he knows it.

I am not understanding this at all “I am sorry Mel; this is the last time I will speak on this but why is this girl there. She has seen my husband more then I have? She is constantly there videoing and taking picture of him, he is well aware. What is it? I do not like it; I am dropping it now but look. Just you see her story” Mel took my phone “after this stop” nodding my head, I am agreeing but I won’t be keeping off social media “let me refresh this page, she is from Canada. And she has a only fans link in her bio, oh boy” and Mel wants me to be calm, it’s killing me being this calm “her voice is so annoying though, how is she clinging onto Breezy so much, like she is doing the most too. Just watching this, I feel like Chris is just having fun. He isn’t being like anything, but he looks well. Skip, skip this” I really want to pop off, I really do “oh she is zooming in on Chris, mhmm oh ok girl. I get it, I see this girl having an agenda with Chris. She likes him, I see it. She is very much doing the most to get his attention, least they are actually playing basketball” Mel dragged out “so yeah, so shall we just relax?” relax, more like depression “bitch, we are going to a bar. Come, don’t care. I will get drunk on your behalf” Mel is trying her best, she would have been got my ass drunk by now but it’s a little different now.

[notsiriusatall]

What if I'm Someone I Don't Want Around?

He laughs at the door as it slams, any emotion or scrap of warmth dying inside of him as soon as it had surged forward.

“Don’t know what I expected.” 

Sirius glances at Grim who has now crossed to the door and is pawing at it. They’ll find him in time. He’s got food.

The fraction of a reason he had left has just slammed the door in his face. Sirius doesn’t really see a point in carrying on any longer. 

He should’ve bought a gun, like he’d planned before. But Sirius had chickened out, like always. He wasn’t strong enough to do this, he wasn’t strong enough to finally bring the people who still care about him for some stupid fucking reason some peace.

That changes today. 

He looks at the vodka bottle in his hands, excepting to feel something, anything. Nothing comes beyond the numbness, no fear, no regret, no fleeting memories of Doe, no shame for the way her face had looked, no guilt for having the last time she saw him be this time….a little guilt. Maybe he shouldn’t…

Sirius shakes his head and unscrews the bottle. He takes big, gulping drinks, as much as he can stand at once, choking slightly as the burn slides down his throat. The bottle is gone and he doesn’t even feel drunk, so he opens the freezer and gets to work on a second, downing half of it before he feels the familiar feeling of drunkenness spreading from his brain all the way down to his toes.

Numb. This shouldn’t even hurt.

He takes the empty bottle and knocks it against the kitchen island, barely registering Grim’s noise of concern as the bottom half of it shatters.

The broken jagged edges of the bottle catch the overhead light and sparkle, and Sirius feels himself swallow hard. He takes a deep breath and is surprised his hands are shaking as he raises the sharp end of the bottle to his right wrist.

It’s not going to hurt. It’s just going to be like falling asleep except he doesn’t have to wake back up. It’s going to be over soon, even if it hurts. 

Soon he’ll finally feel nothing. Soon he’ll finally be nothing.

They’ll be safe. It’ll be worth it.

He drags the glass across the delicate skin of his wrist, horizontal first, a test. The red of his own blood is shocking and Sirius takes a breath in, waiting for the pain, the sting of his skin tearing-but nothing comes.

Is he dead already? Is this how it ends? He laughs despite himself. Of course even the ending of his own life wouldn’t go according to plan. He digs the glass in deeper, feeling something close to satisfaction as he makes himself bleed. Sirius isn’t shaking anymore. He knows what he’s doing is right.

That is, until a wet nose pushes against the elbow of his uninjured arm.

Sirius’s eyes find Grimm, who barks softly, and pain shoots through his arm as his vision blurs out. In an instant, he’s realized what he’s done. In an instant, he realizes he’s made a mistake. 

He wants to live. He’s not entirely sure why, and he doesn’t even know if he needs a reason, just that the want to keep breathing is there and stronger than it’s been in months. 

“Grimm-”

Sirius catches himself on the kitchen counter, breathing hard from his nose as the glass bottle falls out of his hand and shatters beneath his feet. He’s able to right himself and vaguely registers his dog barking louder and louder behind him, pressing his body against Sirius’s and whining softly when his good arm absentmindedly touches soft black fur. 

“Help.”

Sirius isn’t sure who he’s speaking too, but saying it out loud seems to motivate his body to cling harder to the counter. He pushes himself down towards the sink and grabs the dish towel Doe had laid out.

Doe. Fuck. If he survives this, she’s going to be even more pissed at him, if that’s possible. And if he dies….

Sirius doesn’t want to die. He wants to be able to tell her loves her again. He wants to mean it even more. 

Sirius wants to hear her say it back. 

He gasps as more pain shoots up his arm when he pushes the dish towel to the open wound. The light blue fabric is quickly muddied by the color of his blood and instinctively, Sirius knows this isn’t enough. There’s only one person who might be speaking to him who can fix this.

Thankfully the phone is right next to the couch on an end table, and as Sirius makes his way towards it, able to stand a little straighter due to the surge of adrenaline, it rings.

It's always been like this between the two of them, ever since they’d made their first blood oath in 6th grade. They’ll think hard about the other and within minutes there will be a phone call, or a random pop in, or they’ll pass each other on the street. James said it was coincidence, self fulfilling prophecy, a bunch of other smart science-y stuff, but Sirius knows better.

Its a magic that the two of them share, something they’ll never fully be able to explain but at the same time, each understand. 

“James-?”

Sirius’s voice doesn’t sound right, even to him. It’s too hoarse, raw. Someone else’s. He hears James hear it too when his best friend breathes in sharply. 

“Siri-are you-what’s wrong?”

“I did-I did something really stupid.” Sirius hears his voice crack and he’s crying before he can stop himself.

“Please come.”

“I’m coming. What’d you do?” 

“I...I’m bleeding, James.”

The phone line crackles, Sirius thinks vaguely that James must be covering the receiver.  

“Okay, okay. Can you-do you have something you can stop the blood with?”

“I-” The room tilts and Sirius sinks to the floor, the digital handset clutched in his grasp-his lifeline.

“I don’t wanna die.”

He whispers like it’s a big secret, cause it honestly is. Saying it old loud makes Sirius’s will to live that much more real, it makes the blood he’s losing all the more dire.

“You’re not gonna die, Sirius. You’re not dying, understand?” James is doing a poor job at hiding his panic and Sirius just nods against the phone.

“I’m coming right now. I’m on my cell, okay? I’m staying with you.”

“I really messed up.” 

“You didn’t, bro. We can fix it. I can patch you right up.”

Sirius shakes his head.

“James, I messed up.” 

He doesn’t just mean hurting himself. He doesn’t even just mean any of the things he’s done in the past twenty four hours. He’s messed up and he has been for months and months-and he doesn’t even know how to fix it. 

“Hey-hey, hey, stay with me, Sirius. You’re okay. You didn’t mess up.” 

“Would you be better without me?”

He hates himself for how childish his voice sounds, how stilted and tired his speech is, for the panic laced even in James’ breath.

“God, Sirius. No. Of course not. Quite the opposite.”

He hears James get into his car and start the engine. 

“I’ve got a towel.”

“A towel?”

“For my wrist. Where I’m…”

Sirius can’t finish his sentence, shame sobering him. For fifteen straight seconds, all he hears on the other end is the sound of James driving.

“You slit your wrists?”

“....just one.”

“I’m taking you to the hospital.”

Panic shoots through him and another surge of adrenaline spikes up.

“You can’t. Please, James. You can’t. I can’t go- they’ll-”

“Hurt you? Sirius.”

James’s voice is tender towards him when it should be angry. Gentleness he doesn’t deserve. Fleetingly Sirius realizes just then that if he makes it through this, he’ll never be able to repay James.

“I can’t-” His voice breaks off into a sob and he feels his breath start to get short. All the things his mother drilled into him for years seep into his brain. Hospitals are only there to take you away from me. 

They just wanna hurt you.

They won’t believe you. No one will believe you. 

Anything they do to you will hurt more than what I do.

If you loved me, it wouldn’t hurt. 

Why can’t you just be good?

You don’t need anyone but me. You won’t need anyone but me. Remember that. 

If you’re hurt it’s your own fault.

It’s your fault.

It’s your fault.

It’s always going to be your fault.

“Sirius! Sirius!” 

He squeezes his eyes shut hard, trying to stay present, trying not to fall backwards, trying not lose himself more than he already has. He presses down on the cut on his arm and cries out in pain, but the sound of himself brings him back. He feels something wet on his elbow again, and when he looks over, Grim is right next to him. Sirius lets out another sob and clutches onto the dog with his good arm, the phone cradled between his shoulder and ear. 

“Sirius!”

James is screaming his name into the phone, almost hysterical. 

“James-no hospital.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

“I’m sorry-”

“No, it’s okay. You just scared me, man. It’s okay. I’ll try to make it so you don’t have to go, okay?”

“Okay. Are you here?”

“I am so close, buddy. I am so close.”

Sirius hears the sound of a horn blaring as James accelerates. Grimm whines beside him and Sirius start to pet him.

“Was that Grimmy?” 

“Uh-huh.”

“He keeping you company?” 

Sirius can hear the fear in James’ voice still, but he can tell he’s trying to calm down for his benefit. 

“Yeah. James?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m really scared.”

Sirius can’t ever remember saying that out loud. Not to James, not to anyone. He’s thought it more times than he can count, increasingly so since everything fell apart eighteen months ago. But he’s never let himself think about it for more than a second. He didn’t dwell, and he definitely didn’t say it out loud. Sirius had learned very early in life that showing weakness, being afraid, doing anything other than laying there and taking it was a good way to get hurt. But here he was, more hurt than he ever could’ve imagined, and beyond the point of pretending otherwise.

“Me too, Siri. But it’s gonna be okay. You’re gonna be okay. You have to be okay.”

Grimm nudges his arm, gets him to keep petting him, keeps him tethered to the life he’d been so determined to leave. James keeps reassuring him in his ear, and Sirius keeps repeating okay every minute or so, not sure of what’s being said, only registering soft black fur beneath his fingers. Soon, Sirius hears a car screech to a stop outside.

“I’m coming up, Siri. I’m here. Is the door unlocked?”

“...yeah.”

He can feel his pulse in the cut now, but he doesn’t think it’s bleeding as much. Sirius shifts so he’s sitting up more against the wall, clutching Grimm with both arms now, suddenly terrified about what’s going to happen when James walks in.

Normally, Grimm greets visitors at the door, but he doesn’t move, letting out a short warning bark when the knob starts to turn.

“S’okay, boy.” Sirius mumbles, shifting more, realizing as he’s trying he doesn’t have the strength to get up. He closes his eyes and rests his head against the wall, opening them again when he feels a hand cup his face.

“Hey.”

When he looks into James’ dark eyes, filled with concern, Sirius loses what he has left. He releases Grimm and throws himself at his best friend, holding onto James with strength he didn’t know he had. He relaxes as he’s held, sobs stealing his breath as James rubs circles on his back. He’d found him in rough shape a handful of times before, but it’s never been like this.

Sirius hopes it’s never like this again. 

“Let me see your arm.”

It’s only when James speaks that Sirius realizes he’s been crying too. He pulls away, his hand on his uninjured arm still gripping James’ bicep. James gently pulls the towel away and breaths a sigh of relief. 

“Alright, Pads. You didn’t get deep.”

Sirius’s eyes work double time and search James’ expression. 

“What-what does that mean?”

James’ offers him a watery smile.

“You’re gonna be just fine. No hospital.”

Sirius breaks down again, relief flooding him as James readjusts them so Sirius can lean against James properly, his arm around his shoulders keeping Sirius on Earth. Grimm puts his head in his lap.

“I’m not gonna die?”

“You’re not gonna die. Not on my watch.”

They sit there for what could be forever, Sirius quietly crying into James’s chest/armpit, letting years of pain out on the floor of his living room. When he’s done, James lets the silence surround them, reaching over to scratch Grimm behind the ears as Sirius’s breath turns back to normal.

“I have to ask you, Siri.” 

Sirius nods against him, not moving his head up to look at him even though he should.

“I know.”

“How much did you have to drink.”

He lets three heavy seconds pass before he has the guts to answer.

“One and a half.”

“Drinks?”

“Fifths.” 

James sucks in a breath. Sirius wants to cry again, realizing how consistently he’s been letting James down. He pulls away, lifting his head up even though it feels far too heavy.

“I...James. I need help.” His voice cracks but he pushes through.“Please.”

James nods twice, standing and pulling Sirius up with him.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Okay, I’ll get you help. Let me bandage you up first.”

He drops Sirius off on the couch and disappears into the bathroom. Grim jumps up beside him and whines again. Sirius reaches for him but he touches something else soft first. The blanket Doe had slept with. Without thinking, without caring, he wraps it around himself, wrapped even around his head. He breathes her in, tears streaming down his face again.

He has to see her again. He has to tell her he’s sorry. 

And he will.

He’s asleep before James even finds the first aid kit,he’s completely exhausted. His sleep is mercifully dreamless and for the first time he can remember, Sirius is looking forward to waking up.

[personalfandompastastrainer]

As December is now here, Tis' the Season of: Things My Roommate's Said Fall 2021!!

"Computer compute please!"

"I have lost my s#!&. It is gone."

"WHAT ARE YOU BANGING??"

"MY CHICKEN IS IN DANGER!" -Webtoon comment

"Waaahh! More boys should be like you! Most of them are LIL S#1?* !!" -Webtoon, I Love Yoo

"We filled up the war."

"With what??"

"✨Swords✨"

"BOMBS"

"BOMBS AND SWORDS"

"BLEGH! It fell on my boob."

"That's a real ass curse!" -Drunk History

"Throw it in the garbage! From whence you came, there you shall go!"

"It's been like a lot of hours since that one psychology class, and I still need know if rats are gay."

"Hey Siri.... Steven."

"HHHHGH!! CAN I PLEASE. JUST TYPE CORRECTLY."

Me and Other Roomie at the literal exact same time: "JeHOOvah"

"Are you ready to bleed? Then cry? Then bleed while you cry?" -Webtoon

"In lieu of flowers send Brenda more life." -Tumblr eulogy

"We are gonna slaughter each other, but first Nick is gonna drop a sick beat." -Twitter

"My body is just like, frick you, man." -Other Roomate

"But I don't wanna be fricked..." -Me

"Very not Gucci, Does Not Slap, no thanks." -Tumblr

"Good morning from Tumblr and Banana cats."

*Roommate, closing the door on me*

"IM COMING IN!! I AM COMING IN BITCH!" (affectionate)

"I COULD TAKE A NAP RIGHT HERE!" -Friend

"Goodnight." -Me

"Paraphrasing is for punk ass bitches."

"I don't want to function. I just want to burrito."

*chokes*

"Death by... Coconut pineapple ice. Whoop."

"All the spooky spirits gonna be out on Jesus day."

*Loud coughing noises*

"Didn't know you could choke. While brushing your teeth. Apparently you can. Fun."

"Well I guess denial isn't just a river in Egypt."

"Girl, when have you become a nudist enthusiast?"

"As in the COLOR ladies!!!"

"Sunken eyeballs... goddammit"

"Even Shakespeare knew men ain't shit."

"What's that? Off in the distance? Could it be? Oh yes! It is! My last f#$&, disappearing over the horizon! Be free my friend, be free!" -Merlin, incorrect Merlin quotes

"Why do you read the ending first?" -Me

"I don't know, maybe I'm a psychopath." -Other Roomate

"Ampression- Ampression? Guys I just made up a new mental illness-"

"I make up a new word every week."

"I really wanna try this right now." -Other Roommate

"The what?" -Me

"The plomp." -Roomate

"The plomp?" -Me

"Ohh the plomp." -Me

"Mumumu I don't know what you're saying can you speak up a little?"-Me

"MY BOYFRIEND'S CUTE!" -Roomate

"Hey, you're batteries at 69. Nice."

"It's getting more action than I ever will."

"I will no longer be a niff noodle."

"Where's my bag of magic potions that I have to deal with every night?"

"Did you just say meth can save lives?"

"MATH! MATH CAN SAVE LIVES!"

"What the fUUUH-"

"I can't believe I knew what I was doing! That rarely ever happens."

"What? That's a little CoNtRoVeRsIaL."

"Is that why people get married? So they can stop having to put together the bed by themselves?"