#now I really want to watch the muppets take manhattan again

[fitzselfships]

I cannot stop thinking about this dream I had a while back where they made my tadc s/i canon by doing a parody of this scene from The Muppets Take Manhattan. There were baby designs for the characters and everything. I think about this on a daily basis

[popculturebuffet]

Monthly Muppets: The Muppets Take Manhattan: Meh In Mahattan (Comissioned by Emma Fici

Hello all you happy people and welcome back to Monthly Muppets, your slice of monthly muppety madness funded by readers like you.. you specifically Emma Fici, my friend who funds these and picks out each months selection.

Today we look at the iconically titled Muppets Take Manhattan. While they weren't the first to take the big apple, their the ones who popularized it with everyone from jason to ghostface having taken it ever since. I mean I assume that'll be Scream 6's title , why else set it in new york. C'mon paramount, cm'on radio silence, let it be Ghostface Takes Manhattan. Me's in the area concur it's a great title. Their your target demographic: Aging orangutans who watch a lot of dead meat and children's cartoons!

Yeah! I feel good about this. So on that high Muppets Take Manhattan is notable for a lot of reasons: It's the last film in what i'm now calling "The Henson Trilogy", the three films starring Kermit and Co done while Jim was still alive, the ones most people think of when they think Muppets movie (along with Christmas Carol and Treasure Island), and some of the works that helped define the troupe outside of the muppet show.

This film is also notable for being the solo directing debut of Muppet maestro and mean green mother from outer space Frank Oz, who co-directed Dark Crystal with Henson. With a massive workload and pure exaustion from directing two films back to back, and that's on top of launching Fraggle Rock around the same time. He needed a second to catch his breath so he put the operation in Frank's first class hands.

This film also had a notable absence: Jerry Juhl, long time muppets writer and the man who wrote the previous and next two films. He was a supervisor down at Fraggle Rock (Clap clap) Down at Fraggle Rock, so it fell on his other Great Muppet Caper Co-Writers, Jay Tarses and Tom Patchett to pick up the pace. Problem was they went in the same direction as caper and while I would've loved that, Frank wanted something more grounded, especially after Caper didn't do great at the box office. So he went in and rewrote himself, and the resulting film was a more grounded take. So what was it all about?

Taking Manhattan

MTM follows our heroes. LIke Caper it recasts them this time as recent graduates of Danforth College, whose graduation show, Manhattan Melodies, was a massive hit. So with big starry dreams in their eyes they take it to broadway.. and instead of taking Manhattan more get taken to the curb BY Manhattan. After a few or so stoppings Kermit is at the end of his rope and snaps at everyone else, who decide the best thing to do is to scatter to the four winds while he writes it. I get their trying not to pressure him but like.. they don't have to leave New York. And it's REALLY dickish they all pressure PIggy into seemingly doing the same despite no reason to. She's Kermit's girlfriend here, not his stalker or some strange he falls in love with all over again. He doesn't HAVE to be cut off from everyone to get a needed break.

So they leave with a very sad, beautiful ballad i'll get to in a moment, and Kermit starts working with Jenny, a kind human played by Juliana Doland, who doesn't have a ton of credits to her name but does a pretty good job. She's thorughly upstaged by Pete, Jenny's dad and diner owner constantly fed up with everyone's nonsense whose hiring of Kermit and a bunch of rats recommended by Rizzo, in his first major role in a muppet production as Pete's waiter, with…

The Rats are a great addition though and the scnee with them cooking in the kitchen (People were uncomfortable with them as waiters) is a thing of beauty, creative, fun and clearly taking a lot of wizardry. It also turned out the simplest solution was the best a lot of the time: they found out just using actual butter for one of the rats to skate on worked best, and most amusingly , an attempt to make fake pancake batter ATE THROUGH THE BOWL and actual batter was fine just fine. If that isn't the most muppets thing I ever heard I don't know what is.

So Kermit tries to get the film made, gets hugs from Jenny and Piggy stalks them both from afar in a trenchcoat because apparently they needed to make her even creepier than she already was, while kermit ocasoinally gets a letter from anothe rmuppet elsehwere in the country. This pattern repeats for 40 minutes. I'm not kidding.

It's the film's main problem: Plot wise it just.. goes about nowhere for most of the film. The first 20 minutes have pretty brisk pacing: Our heroes perform their college thesis, try to get the show made nearly get conned by a BAD MAN BAD MAN BAD MAN, then decide to go their seperate ways so kermit can focus on the play without worrying about them. It's fairly dense, still has plenty of jokes (Again BAD MAN BAD MAN), and works.

But the middle is just.. nothing. Most comedy films have a somewhat loose plot, but said plots serve as the motor. Using some of my faviorite movies as an example first off we have Wayne's World. Wayne's World HAS a plot, our two heroes get picked up from Cable Access to regular TV and have to deal with the exec who picked up the shows ulterior motives. We also have Wayne's building relationship with Cassandra which dovetails into said Exec threatening it. A clear a and b plot with some other stuff mixed in. Is said plot what most people think about Wayne's World? No, they think of bohemian rhapsody, the bugs bunny gag, Wayne speaking Cantonese with Cassandra, the sponsorship scene, Alice Cooper, "it seemed superfluous at the time". Rob Lowe is great in that section, but it's at it's core just a way to get from one joke to the next and to give the plot a semblance of flow. There are plenty of scenes like our heroes playing hockey, going to see allice cooper and shopping for Wayne's Dream guitar while Garth does a sweet solo that have nothing to do with said plots, but are all memorable and charming. While there are comedies that are tightly plotted as heck, and that's fine, at the least you just need a plot to keep the momentum.

The purest example of this is True Stories, the David Byrne classic and his only directorial outing. It's mostly just vignettes of various things around the town of Virgil, Texas as they prepare for their celebration of specialness. But it still has connective tissue in the various characters, and the through line plots of David Byrne in a Cowboy Hat narrating to us and John Goodman's attempts to find a wife who loves his basic panda bear shape.

Here the plot doesn't really make things go and things just aren't zany or surreal enough, like true stories, to really make it work. It's too grounded for the plot to be this thin and even teh far less grounded caper and after it most wanted had far snappier plots to compensate for being batshit insane. It's just "Kermit tries zany scheme to get the play accepted" (and not nearly enough though him with an afro wig, gold tooth and pick velvet suit was a fucking riot, as was the whisper campagin0, "Piggy stalks him", "stuff happens" and then he just .. falls into getting the plan accepted by an up and coming producer. He works HARD sure but it dosen't feel like there was any real progress sin his attempts. One just works.

The plot just feels unengaging as a result: I DO want Kermit to succed and he is trying hard but there's no escalation to his work or real flow. And Piggy's jealousy is mostly resolved when they just.. talk and she realizes he wans't cheating on her which could've been resolved in five minutes. It feels like , in part thanks to Emma telling me this, Oz wanted to immitate the screwball comedis of hollywood, scaling things back to just our leading man and lady and a few characters. But that's just not what the muppets is. The muppets aren't scaled back they go all in. Even the more serious flims like Treasure Island, Christmas Carol and The Muppets still have plenty of chaos and character. This film just feels like Frank Oz trying to fit a muppet peg into a normal film hole. It's telling most of his films after this weren't all that fantastical and even his next, his masterwork and one of my faviorite films Little Shop of Horrrors, was still grounded in the humans and their actions and a morality tale. Frank OZ was great with playing muppets, Miss PIggy for all the faults I have with how she treats Kermit is still a fun character when used right and Yoda is yoda, but it's clear his heart wasn't in telling muppet stories by himself. And that's okay. It's better he played to his strengths than tried to be something he wasn't and let those who wanted to do it. It makes for a sloppily paced film, but it allowed him to learn the lesson early and get on to doing films he wanted.

That said there ARE a lot of great gags. While Frank is out of his element here, it dosen't mean he's not still part of the troupe. This isn't a TERRIBLE muppets film. Frank still gets enough for it to be enjoyable: Kermit with a gold tooth and afro, Piggy and Joan Rivers make up laughing fit, the penguins asking for a job.. this plot is still packed with good bits, it's just not as consitent tone wise is all

Even the eventual resolution to Miss PIggy stalking kermit because that's normal and not at all a red flag is a banger: While stalking Piggy gets caught on a poll and has her purse stolen. So we get the GOOD side of piggy as she borrows some skates from Gregory Hines, and CHASES THE FUCKER DOWN FOR A GOOD FEW MINUTES The guys other terror and surprise as she KEEPS FINDING HIM is fucking amazing. I love it. The best part though is after as Gregory tries to get his skates back while Piggy and Kermit fight "I'll just unlace these while you fight" getting overly involved in their argument before deciding they can just keep the skates "I just like to wear these shorts". Gregory Hines is this film's mvp. In fact that gives me an idea. You'll see

Kermit does eventually land a broadway gig

So with the muppets reassembling and bringing everyone they met along, they try and find him. This last third is the best part of the film as we get the whole gang back together while Kermit gets his legs stretched, wonders who he is and then wanders into getting an advertising gig. Seeing Kermit as a straight laced executive is hilarious. I don't know what voice Jim is doing here but i love it.

THe resolution is also great as our heroes end up finding him at the diner and having to straight up kidnaping him with Kermits new frog friends not really bothered ("If that's how they treat customers no wonder they don't get a lot of repeat buisness" ) though it takes Piggy saying they were in love to get him over it. oh no no the love part, Amnesia!Kermit laughs so hard and is such a delightful dick about it (Even going Sooeeeeee while the rest of the cast gape in horror) that Piggy understandably decides to murder him. Thankfulyl Kermit surivvies, is restored and we get two great numbers in a row as our heroes are married…. kinda. It's left vauge if the preist really is really real or not. The wedding is also wonderful with every other muppet showing up. And I mean EVERY ONE. Kermit's old Sesame street friends, every member of the troupe and even uncle traveling matt. It's a wonderful capper to a fairly.. eh film.

Yeah before we move onto the music as you can see Muppets Take Manhattan is.. okay. The plot is very stalled and way too grounded, but it has enough truly all timer muppet jokes and songs to make it watchable. It's a decent watch but not one i'd really come back to. Speaking of songs

Manhattan Melodies

The songs for Take Manhttan are the other pillar that makes up for the pacing. Every song is a classic and every musical number great. Admitely it's part of act 2's major problems, as the songs are mostly in act's 1 and 3, with only one number in act 2, but when we get a song their great. Sadly they havne't been released, likely due to rights issues, but the original album did get a grammy nomination so . t.her'es that. Hopefully we can get one eventually for now though let's break down these classics

We start with an all time classic, Together Again, the final number of manhattan melodies in it's orignial starkid-esque form. Together Again is truly amazing, a wonderful song about reconnectiong, reunion and hapiness.

You Can't Take No For an Answer is a fun electric mayhem number with a slightly melancholy beat underscoring our heroes failed attempts to make it on broadway. EM always tends to have some of the best songs , with Can You PIcture That probably being my faviorite from The Muppet Movie, so its no suprise they slap here.

Saying Goodbye fucking broke me. A truly sad number as our heroes all seperate, it really gets the feeling of parting with someone down pat and hurts even more knowing we'd loose Jim Henson and Richard Hunt all too soon after this. Hauntingly beautiful.

Rat Scat slaps, some fun as the rats cook int he kitchen which should be gross but it's charming. Wonder if Rattouie was at all inspired by this. Food for thought. Pun welcomed.

I"m Always Gonna Love You is a fun rocking ditty. I consider it the weakest of the film's tracks.. but it's no chilly down in terms of a quality drop. I just like it SLIGHTLY less than the others because it goes on a bit longer than necessary. That's all. This is also for some reason a sequence starring the Muppet Babies, who would be so popular they'd get their own show

We then get Right Where I Belong, which embarasingly I first remember hearing in a commercial even though i'd seen this movie before (and mostly forgot it apart from Mad Men!Kermit) , but is probably my faviorite, it's snappy, happy and really fits Kermit coming back and finally having everyone else. It's got that good old fashioned broadway style that really fits the films tone. I love it.

Finally we have Somebody's Getting Married/Waiting For The Wedding/ He'll Make Me Happy, a lovely ballad and show stoppin number as our heroes gather for the wedding of Kermit and Piggy. Which again she might of tricked him into which is..

But hey the music is nice. And with that we have two final pieces of

Film Ranking

As i've done since the last review, it's time to see where the film ranks compared to the other muppet films and specials i've covered so far and well.. this one's probably going to piss a LOT of people off

(ranking)

Keep in mind the gap is WIDEEEE between those last two. But despite expecting some backlash, I stand by this. The other films sans Trashfire of Oz are all paced MUCH better and while from Space is mostly just okay, it has more heart to it and better jokes. This one ALMOST inches it out for the songs, but in the end I just in good concious can't put it above the more solid film.

Muppet MVPS:

I've decided after Gregory Hines outstanding performance to start giving out awards, dead meat stylez please don't sue james I love you man, for the best human and muppet performance. This section will be longer than most as to head off Kevin asking me what the others would've been, because I know my friend and I know like me he's a very through dork, and to keep this feature introduced a ways in consitent, i'm going to give out the ones for previous films and episodes too. I also thought of the idea to award best cameo just as I was almost done soooo

Take Manhattan: Muppet MVP: Kermit gets our first as his various shenanigans and seeing him more as hustler than his normal put upon everyfrog is just fantastic. Hines-Grodin Award For Best Human: Gregory not only gets the first award but gets it partly named after him, as he's the one who inspired me to do this. He just perfectly fits in and his bit will live in my head rent free form now on.

From Space: Muppet MVP: Bobo. I mean i'ts hard not to give it to him every time as Bobo just slaps, but he works here as Jeffrey Tambour's foil and gets a great payoff sabotaging the guy's gun. Hines-Grodin Award: This is a hard one. Do I give it to David Arqutte, the most dangerous man alive or Ray Liotta? In the end Liotta gets it for his great brain dead performance post memory wipe. David is good as always but his roll really goes nowhere. Best Cameo: HINES. Joan Rivers comes close but come on.

Wizard of Oz: Muppet MVP: Kermit. Not throughout the main part of the film, but for the Quinten Tarintnio Sequence. He looks so afraid for his life it's awesome. Hines-Grodin Award: Again Quinten Tarintino. In a film that nearly killed my soul his sudden cameo brought life and muppet energy back into it. God bless you you very weird very terrifying man. Best Cameo: Once again, mr. tarintino.

Muppet Caper: Muppet MVP: Going to have to go with Beau for the cart stunt. Chefs kiss that was awesome. Hines Grodin Award: The man who named the award himself Charles Grodin. I feel he deserves this both for his untimely passing and for setting the standard for Human performers in the films. WHile he wasn't the FIRST , he certainly madea lasting impression. I mean what other actor would be so game as to sing an opera to Miss Piggy? Cameo Award: the guy who played columbo, both for his increasingly insane guess and Kermit's iconic response "Amazing what you said was 100% wrong. Nothing you've said has been right"

Muppets Tonight: Muppet MVP: Gonzo for the Dancing With Myself number. All time great in muppets history there. Hines Grodin Award: Obviously the reason I watched the ep and reviewed it, the late, great Gilbert Gottfried as Kermit's date/creepy fan, though Dennis Quaid was REALLY good. But Gilbert was born for this.

Muppet Show Star Wars: Muppet MVP: Angus Macgonagle, the Gargoyle Who Gargles Gershwin Gorgeously. Human MVP: Kinda obvious but Mark Hamill. He's terrific both as luke and as himself. I"d expect no less.

Labyrinth: Muppet MVP: This is a close race between Ludo and Sir Didymus but in the end his good sirship pulls out just ahead. He's just so fun and i'm amazed they got the puppet so tiny yet detailed and movement oriented. Nicely done. Human MVP: David. Fucking. Bowie. Need I say more? Need I REALLY say more or justify this one? Cameo Award: Uh jim I guess for appearing in the opening scene. Otherwise i'm saving these most for the muppet movies

Most Wanted: Muppet MVP: Constantine. Steve Whitmire doing a weird as hell kermit voice and the scene with the jaws kill me. Human MVP: This is a REALLY hard one. Ty Burrel, Ricky Gervais and Tina Fey ALL fucking bring it to grodin levels. So picking one is hard. But I have to go with Ty. His deliberatley over the top french accent, great chemistry with same and antics are just all so damn hilarous, though Ricky Gervais wearing a lemur suit and Tina Fey always knwoing hwere you are do come up close, I gotta give it to Ty. Cameo Award: A decent suply of candiates, including Stanley Tuci as the cheerful watchtower guy, but the winner is Usher as an Usher. IT's a stupidly obvious and stupidly brilliant gag.

Treasure Island: Muppet MVP: Dead Tom. He's dead! Human MVP: TIM CURRY. NEED. I. SAY. MORE. Cameo Award: Dawn French as the landlady "How does she do that? So with that the takes manhattan review is on the books. Thanks for reading and if you enjoy the film feel free to do so. This is one orangutan shaped man's opinon.

Next Time: We're dancing in the moonlight for spooky season as we review last year's Muppet's Haunted Mansion. OOOOOOOOO

[moscarific]

1984 for the ask thing. :)

Well, this sure did become a thing.

Film

This Is Spinal Tap - Almost forty years later, I have not stopped laughing at this movie. When I saw it as a kid, the mockumentary style threw me for a loop in the best way, because I was so used to seeing comedy that was showy and carefully timed, and the humor here feels off-the-cuff and real. Everything in my home goes up to 11.

The Muppets Take Manhattan - This film does not actually hold up except for the music, but the scene with Miss Piggy and Joan Rivers turned me into a 5-year-old drag queen.

The NeverEnding Story - Am I too old to harbor a tiny hope that I will someday step into a book and become the hero of its story? And get to ride on a big fluffy white dragon?

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension - It has been a couple of decades since I first watched this in college - drunk and/or high at midnight in the college theater - and I still have no idea what the fuck I just saw. But I'm pretty sure it was awesome.

Ghostbusters - My dad took me to see this in the theater when I was four, and I lasted a full 15 minutes before I got scared and started crying. I don't think my dad has forgiven me. Anyway, I like it better now.

Stop Making Sense - David Byrne's big suits were my first drag aesthetic, and the music. The weird, jittery, post-apocalyptic, transcendent music. Someday I will step into a suit and live in David Byrne's head.

Books

Neuromancer (William Gibson) - I read this the way it was meant to be read, at age fourteen, to impress the upperclassmen on the literary magazine staff. It felt prescient in the '90s, and now it's just uncanny. Gibson is one of those authors who doesn't seem like he turns much of a phrase, until you step back and see how immersive his worlds are.

The Unbearable Lightness of Being (Milan Kundera) - I pulled this off my parents' shelf in high school because it had a cool cover and read the whole thing while I was home with a cold. When I try to explain to people why I find it comforting to believe there's no afterlife, I wish I could hand them this book instead.

The Illuminatus! Trilogy (Bob Shea & Robert Anton Wilson) - More weird cult stuff that you have to read in high school or never. It's not... good? But it's great.

The Butter Battle Book (Dr. Seuss) - Every parent should teach their young children that the problem with war is that it's banal and nonsensical, and we can all do better.

Comics

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Kevin Eastman & Peter Laird) - My friend got her hands on trades of the early runs of TMNT in middle school, and the revelation of this darkly satirical source text of the TV cartoon was a pop culture coming-of-age moment. It's about superheroes as people, and adolescents as people, and gentrification and marginalization and homelessness and family, and it made me want to move to New York immediately.

TV

Muppet Babies - My generation has collectively forgotten most of the cartoons we watched at 8 AM on Saturday mornings while building pillow forts and Lego spaceships with our little brothers, but we've all retained this one.

V - I watched this by accident on a hotel room TV when I was way too young for it, and it creeped me out and made me fall in love with sci-fi in ways that I was surprisingly ready for.

Theater

Sunday in the Park with George - One of the great works of art about making art, from the perspective that process is inscrutable but people are not. The score bangs on dissonant chords until the exact moment when you think you can't take it anymore, and then it opens up into beautiful, soothing melody just long enough to really fuck you up again. Assume that whenever you read my writing, I hummed "Look, I made a hat!" just before posting.

Music

The Pretenders - Learning to Crawl - Chrissie Hynde's voice is so sexy, and the songs are full of a uniquely Midwestern longing.

Robyn Hitchcock - I Often Dream of Trains - Side A is all pranking on Freud and Christianity, and side B finds things to have faith in, even if Hitchcock still sounds like he's snarling.

R.E.M. - Reckoning - Mostly mournful and lovely, plus two absolute bangers that are retroactive bi pride anthems.

Depeche Mode - Some Great Reward - I bristled at this in high school when I thought it was edgy (but too pop), then embraced it in college when I realized it wasn't that edgy after all (but stunning).

Madonna - Like a Virgin - I can perform an improv lip sync routine to any song on this album, on demand.

Prince & The Revolution - Purple Rain The best pop album ever made. I am not accepting criticism at this time.

[schibi12]

OMG YOU WATCHED MUPPETS TAKE MANHATTAN?? WHAT DID YOU THINK??

I really liked it, it was a lot of fun and wholesome and I loved that the Muppets went to college and graduated, good for them and it was surprising that they where separated for most of the movie it was a good change but I still miss the whole cast I wished we got to see them more but we also got introduced to The Swedish Chef, Lou and Rizzo and the rats characters who weren't introduced in the first movie so it was nice seeing where they came from.

I adored the story The Muppets trying to get a show on Broadway and failing and not giving up even though when they separate Kermit not giving up so they can be together again! (See what I did there!)

Also I watched Defunct Land Docuseries about the Muppets and Jim Henson in conjunction with my Muppets Marathon, and knowing that this one off joke/scene as the Muppets as babies inspired the Muppet Babies is just so crazy and wild to me.

I loved the music it was nice and catchy, Together Again it was fun and happy, Saying Goodbye made me emotional, the chickens singing the William Tell Overture was hilarious and He'll make me happy was such a sweet final song.

Also I like how open the ending was like you don't know if Kermit and Miss Piggy actually married or it was all part of the play it's up to your own interpretation.

Not important but Kermit getting hit by a car, getting amnesia and then getting a new identity as someone working in an advertising agency in Madison Avenue he becomes a Mad Men and I am currently watching Mad Men the series (yes I do watch media that isn't animated surprising I know) and now I want a muppets version of Mad Men with Kermit as Don Draper I really want this!!!

Overall a great movie it was funny and wholesome and for being Jim Henson's last film of the Muppets it was a strong and entertaining movie.

I give it 4 frogs out of 5 frogs.

🐸🐸🐸🐸

[mar64ds]

How would you rank all of the Muppet properties you've seen?

By properties you mean all the different muppet movies/shows or you mean other puppet shows like sesame street and fraggle rock?

If it’s the first one then, when it comes to te movies/specials I have watched this is my ranking:

7.Muppets From Space

6.Muppets Most Wanted

5.The Muppet Christmas Carol

4.The Muppet Movie

3.The Great Muppet Caper

2.The Muppets (2011)

1.The Muppets Take Manhattan

The shows are a bit more complicated to rank because I have actually not seen much of the original muppet show, ironically enough, I need to watch more of it and properly rank it here

I’m not a big fan of Muppet babies but it serves its purpose I suppose and there are nice lessons there

I did watch the first episode of Muppets Now and I didn’t really like it, I guess it’s not my kind of show

Now the Muppets 2015 is the one that I did watch and it’s not perfect, there are a bunch of problems and some of the writing can be bad sometimes, but I still really like the show. I think the show can actually be really funny sometimes and even really endearing, and the concept the show itself is genius, I feel like it has so much potential and it’s a shame it’s probably never happening again

I hope they can bring back the muppets and give them a big show again, and a bunch of movies and specials, literally anything, they are the muppets they need so much new content

At least there is a new halloween special this year! :)

[copperbadge]

Heist movies! This reminded me that somehow, the serious, nuanced meditation on intolerance I'm plotting has morphed into an 8th century paper caper (like literally stealing paper from the Chinese) and I am wholly ignorant on where heist/caper tropes end and their clichés begin. Other than Leverage, can you or your readership recommend good motion pictures examples of the genre?

A PAPER CAPER. What a great idea! 

Hmm, heist films. Well, there are a couple of subgenres. And some examples of the genre are really good examples of the genre while not necessarily being very good movies. But let me see if I can break it down a bit.

(NOW UPDATED with Crowd Recommendations!)

Movies I Have Seen: To Catch A Thief - focused around crime and theft but the classic caper is actually carried out by someone else; I think it’s a great movie but it is quite long and not everyone agrees with me. How To Steal A Million - the heist sequence itself is a bit clunky, but the movie is charming and well-written for the most part. It’s somewhat of an outlier in terms of using heist/caper tropes but fun to watch. Ocean’s 11 (classic) - this is a Greek tragedy written as a heist. But it does have great music and it’s a fun Rat Pack film.Ocean’s 11 (modern) - a great example of heist genre tropes and inversions of same (pickpockets, hackers, a laser grid, a bait and switch, etc)Ocean’s 12 I felt betrayed its viewers somewhat; I don’t think it’s a very good heist film. I haven’t seen Ocean’s 13, but @sailorsol says it goes back to a more traditional heist feel. I am SUPER EXCITED about Ocean’s 8 because it looks like it’s a return to what made Ocean’s 11 so good. Entrapment is a heist film and I remember when I saw it in 1995 I loved it, but I don’t know how well it has aged. Inception is considered by some to be a heist film. I don’t care for it, but it does use several heist-related tropes (a ragtag group of experts, an elaborate plot, a lot of thinking on one’s feet) so I think it’s worth a watch if you’ve worn out your other movies. :D The Sting is based on supposedly real-life events. It is an EXCEPTIONAL film and a good introduction to many con-man and heist tropes. Its central conceit, the telegram fraud, is riffed on in an episode of White Collar. The Thomas Crown Affair (classic) - contains several heists, but I would consider it more of a psychological thriller. An enjoyable film in general. The Thomas Crown Affair (modern) - An adequate remake with a great heist at the end; on its own it’s a decent film, though it pales in comparison to the original. Now You See Me - Considered by some a heist film, I’m not entirely sure I’d agree; they do pull off several heists but it’s more focused on illusionism. I didn’t care as much for Now You See Me 2, but it does have a very The Sting-like denouement that is useful if you’re analyzing heists. Dog Day Afternoon has been riffed on endlessly as a bank robbery film; I’m not sure I’d classify it as heist/caper, but there’s no denying it has had a huge impact on anything to do with media and bank robbery. The Saint: suggested by Anon and also by @drivemetogeek, I had forgotten about this movie and I love it a lot, though again it’s more spy-thriller-with-heist-tropes than a heist. The Great Muppet Caper and The Muppets Take Manhattan: Anon suggested Great Muppet Caper, which reminded me that there’s a great send-up of high-tension heists in Muppets Take Manhattan. Both are absolute classics. @sailorsol pointed out “If you want to get pedantic, Star Trek IV: The Journey Home is a heist film too" and a) totally true and b) it’s my favorite Star Trek movie, so highly recommend. @jmathieson-fic recoomended Catch Me If You Can, which I had forgotten about and agree is a really fun and also quite touching film, based on real events. 

Movies I Haven’t Seen:Logan Lucky JUST came out and I haven’t seen it yet but it has Sebastian Stan in it so I will. :D Similarly I’ve head Baby Driver is great, but I haven’t seen it. @radiozilla says “Baby Driver is indeed fantastic, but I don’t really consider it a heist movie. It focuses on a group of heisters, but the heists themselves aren’t shown in detail. During them the focus is more on the driver parked outside, then the car chase.”And I’ve just had Going In Style recommended to me by @enduring-reality, who says “Its a 2017 film about grandpas getting screwed over and stealing from their bank! funny and entertaining. starring morgan freeman and michael caine. 10/10 would recommend!“The Usual Suspects is a movie I haven’t seen but is generally thought to belong to the heist/crime genre and to be a good example of it. The Italian Job (classic and modern) – the modern one considered an excellent heist film and a comedy. I know nothing about the classic. Likewise The Taking of Pelham 123 (classic and modern) I know very little about, but they’re both considered heist films. @jmathieson-fic recommends the original as “Classic and awesome.”Snatch - I honestly know nothing about it but it shows up on a lot of lists. @miss-kitty-fantastico recommends it. The Great Train Robbery - I’ve been meaning to see this one for ages but don’t know a ton about it. The Fast And Furious films - most of these are considered a form of heist film. I’ve seen several of them but they all kind of blur together. They are very good viewing, action-film wise. A Fish Called Wanda - supposedly quite funny; I don’t know much about it. @delphia2000 says “one of my very favorite films..worth borrowing from your library” and @prince-atom adds “A Fish Called Wanda is hilarious, for the most part. I would caution that it comes with a major content warning for animal death, however.”Heat and Inside Man both came to my attention from a 99% Invisible episode, and while I’ve never seen either one, Inside Man sounds amazing. Anon says “Sneakers is a classic, and I think Hackers counts as one too. And The Real McCoy.” @miss-kitty-fantastico says “Also consider Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels. Another Guy Ritchie film and although the Heist part is sort of told oddly, it is done really well.”@rsfcommonplace suggests “Sam Whiskey, a 1969 film which is both a Western and a heist film in reverse. (They have to put the gold back. Once they retrieve it from the depths of the Platte River.)”@jmathieson-fic suggested  “The Hot Rock (based on Donald E. Westlake's excellent novel)” and @geekerypeekery seconds it. @geekerypeekery also suggests “the often-overlooked Quick Change, a Bill Murray heist film from 1990. Hilarious and also quite meta on the heist tropes.” @onceuponacupoftea suggests “David Mamet’s Heist and also House of Games, which is a con film. The Spanish Prisoner is “neonoir suspense”, according to wikipedia, but also involves espionage and cons.” (I feel like I’ve seen The Spanish Prisoner and compared it semi-favorably to The Sting but I don’t recall if it’s the actual movie I’m thinking of.)@brownhairandeyesonline says “Out With A Bang is good fun (though I haven’t seen the original)”@annechen-melo recommends “The Ladykillers, and though I enjoyed the classic more than the remake, the modern film has its moments.”@laughingacademy says “This list needs some Jules Dassin: Rififi, a noirish “one last job” story in which a break-in and safecracking plays out for half an hour with no dialogue, and Topkapi, a comedic caper film and the origin of what’s now known as the Mission: Impossible Cable Drop.”

Are They?Often spy thrillers are classed as heist films because they usually involve an elaborate multi-stage plan to steal something. So you’ve got your Mission Impossible films, your Man From UNCLE, and I would consider Rogue One this very serious, very dramatic form of heist film. I don’t know if I’d consider Kiss Kiss Bang Bang a heist film exactly, but it plays on a lot of the tropes. I don’t like it, as a film, but it does have Robert Downey Jr. and Val Kilmer in it and that’s not nothin’. In theory, you could consider Captain America 2: Winter Soldier to be a sort of heist film. It’s more of a spy thriller and I wouldn’t classify their attack on SHIELD as infiltration or a multi-stage elaborate plan, but there’s some elements there. Apparently Ant Man is also considered a heist film but I haven’t seen it. 

TV Shows and Etc:Leverage as you already know is a great primer for heist tropes because many episodes involve a heist that is structured after a movie trope.White Collar is even more explicit about lifting its heists from cinema, so it’s also excellent (at least in the first few seasons) for learning the standards. I can’t really recommend viewing after 3rd season, but YMMV. I have never seen the original Man From UNCLE tv show, but I hear it’s pretty compelling. @spadesandaces says “Idk if the man from uncle tv show counts as heist centric...don’t get me wrong, I love it, but it’s not like leverage or ocean’s” while @peoriarhetoriapeoria says “the show has many episodes that may not be exactly heists but hew close enough to the tropes they might as well.” Same for the classic The Saint series -- I haven’t seen it but I hear it’s good. @drivemetogeek seconds the recommendation for the Saint tv series. @glymr says “It’s not exactly a heist show (at least, not mostly), but if you want to see the Grifter to end all Grifters, watch the Rockford Files.  It’s a show about a P.I. played by James Garner, and he is a Master of social engineering." @drivemetogeek says “seconding Rockford.... the Leverage writers referenced it constantly.” though you guys, I have to admit I’ve watched a few episodes and I found them less than engaging. 99% Invisible did a FANTASTIC podcast about heist films. There is a GREAT book about early 20th century con men (it’s the first place I encountered the characters from The Sting) called The Professional Thief. I don’t know that a lot of people who write heist genre have read it, but the stories inside it have obviously trickled out into our crime media. It’s a really enjoyable read as a sociological study of individual-level crime in the early 20th century. Also gonna throw in a quick recommendation for the Stainless Steel Rat books by Harry Harrison (particularly A Stainless Steel Rat Is Born) and the Raffles short stories by EW Hornung, who wrote a gentleman burglar in response to his famous in-law, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, writing Sherlock Holmes. :)

Wikipedia also has an extensive list of heist films and a decent definition of what they generally entail. 

One last note – don’t necessarily think that just because the heist genre is rife with tropes, you can’t use tropes and cliches. Most heist films of the modern day really lean into them; they’re fun to play with and there’s a reason they became tropes in the first place. Don’t be afraid to write a “standard” heist – as long as you enjoy writing it and the readers enjoy reading it, it doesn’t necessarily have to be the most original idea in the world. Think of it as a rube goldberg machine, where the formula is essentially the same but the components vary and provide the fascination. Heist films are fun in part because there’s a formula, and that formula is comforting when followed and fascinating when defied. 

Good luck! There’s tons of media out there and a lot of it is just fun. Enjoy yourself!

(Did you find this useful or educational? Prevent me from robbing a bank and drop some change in my Ko-Fi or at my Paypal!)

[coll2mitts]

#19 The Muppets (2011)

Imagine for a second you're Disney.  For over a decade, you've been in negotiations with the Jim Henson company to acquire the rights to their intellectual property.  You've had some partnerships in the past, and a few theme park attractions based on The Muppets, but you want the whole thing.  In 2004, your dream finally comes true.  You can do whatever you want with Kermit and the crew, but... what?  Television? ��Holiday specials?  No, A MOVIE!  A movie that hearkens back to a time where The Muppets only existed to make people happy.  A time before they needed to advertise Red Bull, and Cars 2, and Mickey Mouse.  The only problem is, the Muppets have not been around for a long time.  People aren't clamoring for new Muppet content, which is terrible, because you just spent a lot of money on this thing, and you need people to buy t-shirts and theme park tickets.  So, the most important thing you need to communicate in this new Disney-funded project, is that The Muppets, are indeed, still cool.

But how do you communicate that?  Well, you hire Jason Segel to help write the movie.  He loves The Muppets, and people love seeing him on that TV show every week because he’s fucking adorable!  Not to mention, Forgetting Sarah Marshall is one of the surprise hit comedies of the last few years.  Have him write a script that could have been a really touching story about a neurodivergent boy's coming-of-age, and his brother's acceptance that he can thrive in a community of people like him, and BURY IT under Muppet references from the last 40 years.  Remember the super rich and famous contract?  The road trip to get The Muppets back together?  Jake being left at the car lot?  The Muppet Show theme?  THE RAINBOW CONNECTION?  The kids won't, but their parents or grandparents might!

OK, story is done, time to cast this thing!  Amy Adams was beloved in Enchanted, sign her on!  And while you're at it, scattershot a request to every celebrity to make a 20 second cameo for kicks!  The original Muppet properties used to do it, so it won't be that strange.  You want every audience-goer to point at their screen every five minutes and exclaim, "Hey, I know that person!"  But no human will really do anything of importance in this movie.  75% of the time Amy Adams and Jason Segel will stand in the back of scenes and make reaction faces to whatever The Muppets are doing, making the audience wonder if they are really necessary at all to tell this story.

Next, you need music, so you hire one half of the 4th most popular folk duo in New Zealand.  He has a ton of experience in the parody genre, and is like, HBO famous, so he's probably pretty reasonably priced.  He's going to do a great job writing original songs, and original songs are a staple of Muppet movies.  His songs are going to rightfully win you an Academy Award.  The problem is, original songs don't do anything to make The Muppets seem *hip*.  Again, making The Muppets seem relevant is the goal here, so pick a random smattering of pop songs over the last 3 decades for the Muppets to sing to, like the classic Jefferson Starship song "We Built This City on Rock and Roll", and Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit".  Make a joke, though, that it's weird that they're doing it, because otherwise people are going to read it too seriously.

Speaking of comedy, you're going to lean really heavily on physical gags to make the audience laugh.  Walter will get electrocuted!  Gonzo will somersault from a roof!  The Muppets will stand on each other to form one big Muppet Man!  They're going to work together to ninja chop Jack Black and force him to host The Muppet Show!  But practical effects are expensive, so you're going to add them all in post with the laziest CGI people have seen in a movie since 1996. This movie will also present The Muppets in high definition, which make the puppets themselves look... haggard and lifeless, because they're sponge, and most of their eyes don't blink.

Sidenote: The gag where they shove Jack Black in the trunk and Kermit flips out is the funniest scene in the entire movie .  If you skip the rest of this mess, please at least watch that, because I was rolling.

If you're lucky, you've nostalgia-bated enough people into attending your movie, making it financially successful!  Now, you need the final scene of the movie to reiterate that the viewer, and the general public, do in fact love The Muppets.  The entire street is filled with people holding signs and cheering for more!  Don't leave us again, Kermit!  We want to see your movies and watch your shows and buy your merch.  We'll like, share, and subscribe!

Then, the big climax... fireworks.  In the shape of a hidden Mickey.

I still liked it better than The Muppets Take Manhattan.

[yahoo-movies-uk]

What happened to Star Trek’s small-screen stars?

We know what Shatner, Stewart and the like are up to these days, but what about those other valuable Starfleet officers that entertained us so? Where are the crew members of 'Star Trek' now?

Jonathan Frakes – Commander William Riker (TNG)

Riker finally got to be a Captain before he bowed out of the 'Star Trek' universe at the end of 'Star Trek: Nemesis' in 2002, but he swiftly swapped the captain's chair for the director's chair. Having already helmed Trek movies including 'First Contact' and 'Insurrection', Frakes was the unlikely director behind 2004's 'Thunderbirds' movie. These days he balances acting gigs with directing TV episodes on series like 'Castle', 'Falling Skies' and 'NCIS', and he can be heard voicing Star-Lord's father in the 'Guardians Of The Galaxy' TV animation.

Brent Spiner – Data (TNG)

Ironically, we all shed a tear when emotionless robot Data said goodbye to 'Star Trek' in 2005 after a few guest spots on 'Enterprise', but Spiner hasn't stopped working since. He reprised his (second) most popular role in this year's 'Independence Day' sequel, with two revelations: not only was Dr Brakish Okun gay, but he was very much not dead as the first movie suggested. He can currently be seen in 'Walking Dead' creator Robert Kirkman's new possession thriller 'Outcast', or at a 'Star Trek' convention near you.

Marina Sirtis – Counselor Deanna Troi (TNG)

Born in London's East End to Greek-born parents, Sirtis played ship's counselor Troi in 'The Next Generation' but didn't really settle into the role until they gave her a proper Starfleet uniform to cover up her cleavage. Sirtis reprised her role in an episode of 'Star Trek Voyager' in 2000 but she's stayed with 'Star Trek' in several small ways, not just on the convention circuit but also as the voice of the ship's computer in unofficial fan series 'Star Trek Continues'. Watch her, if you dare, in 2016 horror 'Little Dead Rotting Hood'.

Michael Dorn – Worf (TNG/DS9)

Michael Dorn is the most experienced 'Star Trek' actor ever, having appeared in 175 episodes of 'The Next Generation' and then a further 102 episodes when he transported to successor 'Deep Space Nine'. Six 'Star Trek' movies bring his total appearances to 281. He's not done with Star Trek, either: Dorn is currently trying to raise interest on social media for a proposed Worf spin-off called 'Star Trek: Captain Worf'. Ironically, Dorn says: “I had come up with the idea because I love [Worf] and I think he's a character that hasn't been fully developed.” Make that 281 appearances... to date.

LeVar Burton – Chief Engineer Geordi La Forge (TNG)

LeVar Burton was famous before he clocked in to the Enterprise's engine room – he brought pleasure to millions of youngsters as the host of educational show 'Reading Rainbow', and thanks to Kickstarter, he was able to do so again in 2014 after raising £3.8 million for its triumphant return. Burton currently lends his voice to Dr Greene in animated kiddy spin-off 'Transformers: Rescue Bots', and made a 2016 cameo in the remake of 'Roots', the mini-series which made him famous in 1977.

Gates McFadden - Commander Beverly Crusher

The American actress originally found fame as a choreographer working on Jim Henson productions like ‘The Dark Crystal’, ‘Labyrinth’, and ‘The Muppets Take Manhattan’ before she was cast as the chief medical officer aboard the Enterprise. She starred in all four subsequent ‘TNG’ films, but acting roles soon dried up and she now teaches acting. McFadden, now 67, still appears on the Trek convention circuit and her last movie role was in the low budget comedy ‘Make the Yuletide Gay’ in 2009.

Wil Wheaton – Ensign Wesley Crusher (TNG)

The most hated 'Star Trek' character ever has done pretty well to turn his fortunes around, settling into his role of Ambassador of Geekdom (or 'King of the Nerds', if you prefer). An early adopted of all forms of social media and tech, Wheaton has amassed an army of followers who adore his TV appearances, tabletop game tournaments and cameos on the likes of 'The Big Bang Theory', where he plays Sheldon's nemesis. Now 44, he continues to star in his own D&D web series, on series like 'Powers' and as himself on panel shows like 'Whose Line Is It Anyway?'.

Avery Brooks – Captain Benjamin Sisko (DS9)

Unlike most of his fellow 'Star Trek' actors, Avery Brooks has shown little interest in hanging onto the show's coattails since his days on the bridge ended – Brooks' last contribution to a 'Star Trek' project was a voiceover for videogame 'Star Trek: Legacy' in 2006. A keen jazz musician, Brooks lent his talents to a performance at the Springfield Symphony Hall in February 2016 to celebrate Black History Month. If you're lucky, you can catch the ex-captain at Trek conventions around the world.

Alexander Siddig – Dr Julian Bashir (DS9)

One of the more successful 'Deep Space Nine' alumni, Siddig left Julian Bashir behind to play large roles in TV shows including '24' (where he played former terrorist Hamri Al-Assad) and movies like 'Clash Of The Titans' and Wikileaks dramatisation 'The Fifth Estate' opposite Benedict Cumberbatch. He was last seen being skewered by the Sand Snakes of Dorne in season 6 of 'Game Of Thrones' and plays Ruben Oliver in excellent drama series 'Peaky Blinders'.

Nana Visitor – Colonel Kira Nerys (DS9)

As Bajoran Major turned Colonel Kira Nerys, Visitor appeared in 173 episodes of 'Deep Space Nine' before moving on to Jessica Alba serial 'Dark Angel' and various single-serving TV appearances. Super Trek nerd Seth MacFarlane cast her, and a wealth of other Trek actors, in 'Family Guy' episodes and in 2015's 'Ted 2', and she'll next appear in low-budget Trek-inspired comedy 'Unbelievable!!!!!' (yes, five exclamation marks, so you know it's going to be good). She married and later divorced co-star Siddig – the pair have a son named Django.

 René Auberjonois - Odo (DS9)

The theatre actor was unrecognisable as Odo, Deep Space Nine’s head of security, thanks to a headful of deeply unsettling prosthetics but fans of ‘M*A*S*H’ (the film) will have known him as Father Mulcahy too. He directed 9 episodes of ‘DS9′ and has worked steadily as a TV actor ever since. He’s also a talented singer and voice actor having played Chef Louis in ‘The Little Mermaid’, and is the current voice of Pepé Le Pew in the ‘Looney Tunes Show’.

Colm Meaney – Chief Miles O'Brien (TNG/DS9)

Irish actor Meaney brought some Dublin charm to both ‘The Next Generation’ and 'Deep Space Nine' and hasn't wanted for work since the show was cancelled in 1999. He played Gene Hunt in a US pilot for 'Life On Mars' (before Harvey Keitel eventually got the role), played Don Revie in 'The Damned United', starred as Russell Brand's dad in 'Get Him To The Greek' and most recently took Norwich's finest hostage in 'Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa'. You'll be able to spy him in next year's espionage thriller 'Felt', about the Deep Throat informant. (He's not playing Deep Throat).

Quark - Armin Shimerman (TNG/DS9/Voyager)

Ferengi bartender Quark appeared in three different ‘Star Trek’ shows, but is most keenly associated with DS9 where his money-grabbing character was often at odds with Odo, the station’s security chief. He’s a TV regular appearing in shows like ‘Boston Legal’, ‘Buffy’, and ‘Stargate SG1′ but he’s probably best known now for his voice work in the ‘Ratchet & Clank’ video game series playing Dr. Nefarious. 

Kate Mulgrew – Captain Kathryn Janeway (Voyager)

Mulgrew made her final Trek cameo as Vice Admiral Janeway in 'Star Trek: Nemesis' in 2002. She's proved adept at playing serious roles in confined spaces: Mulgrew plays Russian prison chef Red in the phenomenally successful Netflix series 'Orange Is The New Black', for which she won an Emmy nomination (fun fact: she was also nominated for a Golden Globe for playing TV detective Columbo's wife in spin-off, 'Mrs Columbo'). Mulgrew recently used her platform to speak out for prison reform. Janeway would approve.

Jeri Ryan - Seven of Nine (Voyager)

The lads mag favourite reportedly gave ‘Voyager’ a 60% ratings boost when joined the cast in season 4 as the liberated Borg Seven of Nine. Must have been a compelling storyline. After the show ended in 2001 she appeared in school drama ‘Boston Public’, and headlined the critically panned sci-fi comedy ‘The Last Man’, before appearing in TV shows like ‘The OC’ and ‘Boston Legal’. Aside from playing Sonya Blade in the short-lived ‘Mortal Kombat’ web series, Jeri can currently be seen in Amazon’s hit cop show ‘Bosch’.

Ethan Phillips - Neelix (Voyager)

Ship’s cook Neelix was a popular character aboard Voyager earning himself a spin-off cookbook featuring recipes contributed by actors from all iterations of the franchise. Since ‘Voyager’ he’s continued to act on stage, and has made a number of film appearances in ‘Bad Santa’, Michael Bay’s ‘The Island’, and more recently in the Coens’ ‘Inside Llewyn Davis’ playing Mr Gorfeins, the owner of the escaped cat. 

Tim Russ – Lieutenant Commander Tuvok (Voyager)

Fun fact about the man who would be Tuvok – he also played the guy at the beginning of 'Spaceballs' who yells: “We ain't found s**t!” Work has not been so hard to come by: now 60, Russ has no less than 11 movie projects on his plate for 2016, and a few for next year too, including sci-fi TV series 'Blade Of Honor', which sounds a lot like a 'Star Trek' ripoff if we're being honest. And then there's 'Renegades', a familiar trek through the stars that flirts with copyright law, in which he plays 'Kovok'. Hmmm.

Jolene Blalock - Commander T’Pol (Enterprise)

Following the success of Voyager’s Seven of Nine, the last Trek series followed suit casting model turned actress Jolene Blalock as the Vulcan T’Pol. After ‘Enterprise’ she appeared in ‘Stargate SG1′ but her guest appearance as Sawyer’s love interest in ‘Lost’ never saw the light of day.  She had a starring role in the straight-to-DVD ‘Starship Troopers 3: Marauder’, and prefers to keep her distance from Trek fandom nowadays and has only ever appeared at one convention in 2005. In 2014 she played the wife of Jack Black’s porn baron in Cameron Diaz comedy ‘Sex Tape’.

[lindseyluvsdrag]

Knocked Up Ch. 10

TW: Smut

Chapter 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 , 7, 8, 9

Violet cleared her throat as she placed the cell phone to her ear.

“Thank you for calling the LA Construction headquarters. This is Mike, how may I help you?”

“Hello, Mike. My name is Katya Zamolodchikova, I’m an attorney for the Downtown Manhattan law office,” she said in her best attempt at a Russian accent.

She had the man’s attention. “Yes. How may I help you Miss Za…Zamo- how can I help you?”

“I have a client who was injured at one of your sites. She was led there during a date by one of your workers who was looking for a cheap fantasy thrill on the the bulldozer.”

“Are you serious?!”

“As a motherfucking heart attack! We’re talking about a ruined reputation on top of thousands upon thousands of dollars in medical bills! Now my client is willing to drop all of the pending charges if you fire the worker who did this to her.”

“Okay, okay. Who is the worker?”

“Matthew Lent.”

—

Raven led the bloody Naomi into the bathroom, eased her onto the closed toilet seat and immediately went to work cleaning her wounds. She dabbed an alcohol covered swab on the woman’s cheek.

“Oww!”

“Sorryyyy,” she quietly replied before gently blowing on the cuts to combat the stinging.

Naomi looked up at her through swollen eyes. “Thank you, Raven.”

“You don’t have to thank me.”

“Of course I do. I don’t like being a burden.”

The woman stopped and looked at her. “The only burden here is your request for me to not kill that motherfucker.”

“I’d rather cut all ties. If I retaliate, I’d have to see him again and I really don’t want that.”

“But you should at least go to the police. You can’t let him get away with this scot free.”

“The police won’t understand,” she sighed. “They’ll side with Bob because I waited so long to tell him that I was trans.”

“You can’t possibly know that.”

“I do… this isn’t the first time that this has happened to me.”

Raven froze. “Naomi,” she sympathetically exhaled.

“It’s okay. It happened during high school and the whole ordeal sent Violet into one of her worst panic attacks to date which is why I don’t want her worrying about me now. It’ll be unnecessary stress on the baby.”

“Naomi, look at me.”

“I am looking at youuu. My eyes are just really swollen,” she attempted to joke but it only hurt Raven more.

“Naomi, I’m going to say this very slowly so that you can understand. You are not a second rate citizen. You have been attacked​ and the fact that you’re trying to brush it all under the rug breaks my heart,” she sniffled. “You’re beautiful and perfect and you don’t deserve​ anything less than amazingness.”

“It’s just like fighting an uphill battle, Raven. I’ve had to fight my entire life​, starting with my family and now society… I’m just tired,” Naomi exhaled in a broken voice. “I’m tired.”

Raven dropped to her knees in front of the woman and grabbed her hands. “I’ll fight with you,” she sniffled​. “You just can’t give up.”

“In my own way, I’ll continue to fight.”

“That’s all I ask.”

Naomi smiled. “For you, anything.”

Raven’s heart skipped a beat. “Okay, now hold still while I clean you up.” She dabbed the alcohol soaked cotton ball on her cheek.

“Owww!”

—

Matt yawned, sipping his coffee as he made his way onto the construction site. He was stopped at the gate.

“You’re no longer needed here, Lent,” Mike told him.

“It’s three in the morning, Mikey,” he grumbled. “Way too early to be joking.”

“It’s not a joke,” the man said.

“Then what the hell are you talking about? Why would I be fired?” he demanded, not caring that his coworkers had begun to gather around.

“I can’t say. It’s confidential.”

“What the fuck! You can fire me in front of everyone but you don’t have the balls to say why?!”

“You’ll get a letter in the mail detailing everything.”

“Fuck your letter! I’m the only motherfucker on this site that works six days a week plus overtime!”

“I know. Which is why I’m very sorry to see you go.”

“I have a fucking kid on the way, I need this fucking job!”

The man sighed. “Your last check will also be in the mail.”

The man’s disregard to Matt’s son only enraged him. He tossed his coffee over the gate at the crane. “Fuck you, Mike!” As he stormed off, Matt couldn’t help but hyperventilate. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! What am I going to do now?” Using Violet’s techniques, the man took a deep breath and​ did his best to calm down. “It’ll be okay.”

Minutes later, Violet called him, putting on the most dramatic voice she could muster up.

“Hello?”

“Matthew,” she sniffled.

The man’s heart immediately began to race. He couldn’t handle anymore bad news. “What’s wrong?”

“I… I fell down while reaching on the top shelf for Clorox wipes,” she lied.

“What?! Are you okay? How is the baby?”

“I’m fine, the baby is fine. But I’m just so scared,” the woman sobbed. “I just can’t live alone anymoreeee. What if something really bad does happen and I have no help or can’t reach my phone?! Oh, Matthew, just the thought!”

“Violet, Violet, calm down. Take a deep breath.”

The woman exhaled into the phone. “I just need someone to hold me and tell me that everything will be okay. But I don’t have anyoneeee. All you do is work,” she said, well aware that the man should be fired by now.

“Well, not anymore…at least not this job.”

Violet gasped as if she was in a telenovela. “Whyyyy? What happenedddd?”

“I have no fucking idea. But I’m going to find another job,” he assured.

“In New York?”

“Violet, I-”

“Matthew, pleaseeee,” the woman sobbed. “I need you, the baby needs youuuu.”

“Alright, Violet,” Matt sighed. “Alright. I’ll price tickets today.”

“Okay,” she whimpered.

“Be careful, okay? I’m going to call you later.”

“Alright, TTYL.”

Matt hung up.

“Yes!” Violet cheered as she danced around her bedroom. The baby kicked. “Yessss, sweetheart. Your daddy’s coming home!”

—

Violet checked the time and frowned when she saw that her friends were late for work. She immediately gave Naomi a call.

“Hello?” Raven answered.

“Why are you answering Naomi’s phone? Where are you guys? Why aren’t you at work? What the hell is going on?”

“Yes,” the woman said just to annoy Violet whenever she asked too many questions at once.

“Well?!”

“Don’t be alarmed.”

“Oh God, now I can’t help but be alarmed. What’s wrong?”

“Naomi got into a fight at Neiman Marcus.”

“Whatttt?!”

“Yeah, she saw this white trench and just had to have it but so did this old lady…with a cane. She literally hit Naomi in the face with the cane but she is fine. Her face is pretty bruised so I’m taking care of her.”

“She went to Neiman Marcus without me?!”

“Violet!”

“I love Neiman Marcussss,” she whined.

Raven scoffed. “Naomi was attacked and you’re whining about not being invited to the mall.”

“Well if I was invited, I could’ve helped her fight the old lady!”

“I suppose.”

“Mhmmm. Tell Naomi that I love her and that I’ll be over after work with soup.”

“Okay.”

“Love you guysss. Now what the hell am I supposed to do by myself all day?”

—

“Woooo,” Violet let out as she glided across her office in her chair. When she made it to the other side, she placed her feet against the wall. “Three…two…one…blast off!” She jetted off of the wall and slid to the other side. “Ka-powwww!”

—

Matt was in the middle of packing his things when the doorbell rang. He answered and was surprised to see Farrah on his porch. The heavily highlighted woman was wearing a unicorn​ horn headband and carried My Little Pony cupcakes in her hands. “Hi,” she sighed.

“Hey.”

“I just came to make amends. I really miss youuu. I made your favorite cupcakes.”

“I see… I like your headband.”

“Thank you! They’re exclusive to Rainbow Unicorn scouts.” She fished another one out of her pocket. “I have one for you too.”

“Oh? I thought that I was no longer a member.”

“I was really emotional when I said that, but I miss you and as the President of the scouts, I reinstate you.”

“What if I don’t want to be reinstated?” he challenged.

“Aooowhhhh,” Farrah groaned out before pouting. “I guess I’d understand. Sorry for wasting your time,” she whimpered as she turned on her heel to leave.

Matt scoffed. “Get in here you Muppet.”

The woman grinned and skittered into the house. “Let’s watch Equestria Girls!”

“Neigh,” the man said.

Farrah giggled. “Then what do you want to do?”

He grabbed the cupcakes, placed them on the coffee table and threw Farrah over his shoulder.

“Babeeee!” she squealed in laughter.

Matt effortlessly tossed the woman onto his bed before straddling her and aggressively taking his lips against hers.

—

Violet spread crunchy peanut butter onto her pickle before taking a bite. She hummed in satisfaction while she waited for Matt to pick up the phone. This was her third call and this time she decided to leave a voicemail.

“Hiiiiiieeeee, my dearest baby daddy. Just calling partly because I’m extremely bored and mostly because I want to know the status of your itineraryyyy. Who? What? When? Where? Whyyyy?” She laughed. “Anyway, call me backkkk. I can’t wait to see you, byeeeeee.”

—

“Oh my God, Matty,” Farrah moaned.

—

“Hello, father of my child. Fifth time calling here,” Violet chirped into the phone. “I’m starting to get really anxious so please call me back, asap.”

—

“Yeah, yeah,” Matt panted.

—

“Greedyyyy, wooo! You know that I’m greedy for you to answer the fucking phone!”

—

Farrah clung to the man’s pillow as he pounded into her from behind. “Oh, sweet glitter nuggets!” she let out. When she squeezed the pillow even tighter, the woman's​ hand brushed the lace panties. She grabbed them and screamed. “Whose are these?!”

“Huh?” Matt grunted as he continued to thrust, but Farrah pulled away and jumped out of the bed.

“Whose panties are these?!”

“If they aren’t yours, they’re Violet’s,” he admitted.

—

“I changed my mind, Matthew! You’re a piece of shit and I have no idea​ why I even wanted you here! And I know that you’re not dead or injured because the dial tone the first time I called you was super short before you sent me to voicemail! You wanna ignore me?! What kind of father-to-be are you?! Fuck you! You’re no longer welcome at my home!”

—

“You’re no longer welcome in my stables!” Farrah shouted. “Why do you still have her underwear?!”

“I had no idea that they were even under there!”

“And I have no idea why I’m here!” The woman quickly collected her clothes and pulled them on. “Rainbow Unicorn scouts should always trust their first instincts and I should’ve when I knew that you should never be a member again!”

“Okay, okay but are we going to finish?”

“Ugh! Goodbye, Matty!” Farrah stormed out of the room and Matt quickly followed her.

“Bro!” Jake protested when he saw the naked man but Matt ignored him.

“Farrah, I’m moving to New York. If you leave now, who knows when you’ll see me again.”

“Somehow that doesn’t bother me.”

“Okay, fine then leave! When I get hit by a taxi or something​, you’ll be sorry!”

Farrah pouted. “Probably…but you don’t treat me like you should anymore, Matty. I’d happily come in second after your son, but coming in third after Violet just hurts me,” she sniffled.

Matt couldn’t deny what she was saying. “I’m sorry.”

She wiped her tears. “I’m sorry too,” the woman turned on her heel and exited the house.

Matt glanced at the coffee table and noticed that the cupcake tray was empty. “Did you seriously eat all of those cupcakes?”

“Yeah. I initially felt bad but after seeing you naked, I totally deserved​ it.”

The man rolled his eyes and returned to his bedroom. When all else failed, he could depend on Violet and the baby to cheer him up. He grabbed his phone and noticed the eight voicemail notifications. Matt immediately began to panic, but took a deep breath as he listened. The messages started off sweet and gradually became more and more aggressive.

“What kind of father-to-be are you?! Fuck you! You’re no longer welcome at my home!”

“I’m an amazing father-to-be, thank you,” Matt grumbled as he returned the woman’s call.

Violet sent him to voicemail.

“Ahh, payback,” he sighed into the receiver. “Well, I’m sorry for missing your calls, I was busy packing. Whether you like it or not, I’ll be in New York tomorrow and I’ll be getting my own place. I  have enough money saved for a deposit and I’m hoping to find a job before the first months rent is due. So, whether you call me back or not, is up to you.”

��

“Whether you call me back or not, is up to you,” Violet mimicked as she listened to the man’s message. The woman didn’t return his call before she made her way to Raven’s apartment, knocked and was quickly granted entry by her friend.

“Heyyy.”

The women shared a hug.

“Where is she?” Violet asked.

“In my bed.”

“That’s probably the first time you’ve been able to say that.”

“Ha-ha.”

Violet laughed as she removed her shoes.

“You know you don’t have to take your shoes off in my house.”

“I know but my feet are killing me.”

“Violet?” Naomi rasped from the other room.

“I’m here, babe.” Violet skittered into Raven’s bedroom and when she saw the extent of her friend’s injuries, she nearly dropped her soup. “Oh my Godddd, are you okay?!” The woman rushed over and brushed the hair off of her friend’s face. “What the hell happened?”

With swollen eyes, Naomi couldn’t see Raven waving her hands behind Violet’s head. Due to the fact that the injured woman had been asleep all day, the duo didn’t get a chance to rehearse the lie that she’d already told Violet.

“I fell down the stairs at my apartment and totally banged my face on the concrete. It was terrible.”

Violet frowned. “I thought​ you got beat up at Neiman Marcus by an old lady and her cane.” She turned to Raven. “What’s going on?”

“I made up the old lady story,” Raven said quietly. She knew that a lie coming from her would be much easier for the woman to swallow.

“Why would you do that?” Violet demanded.

“I don’t know. An old lady kicking someone’s ass seems pretty comical to me.”

“Look at Naomi’s face! That’s not fucking comical, asshole!”

“Violet, be nice,” her friend rasped. “She’s only trying to make things light-hearted.”

“But that’s not something to take lightly,” she sniffled. “You could’ve been seriously hurt.”

Naomi raised her arms and invited her best friend into them. Violet wiped her eyes and hugged the other woman. “I’m fine, I promise. I was wearing my six inch Jimmy Choo pumps and you know I’m a giraffe so I just lost my balance and tumbled. But I’m fine.”

“You have to be more careful. I can’t have anything happening​ to my baby’s godmother.”

Naomi released her friend to look at her. “Are you serious?” she squealed.

“Of course! We’ve been best friends since we were five. You know me better than anyone and I just love you so fucking much,” Violet sobbed through happy tears.

“Aww, I love you more.” “Impossible.” “Yayyy,” Raven cheered from the corner. “Get over here, dork,” Violet said as she wiped her eyes. The women shared a group hug. “Fashion sisters foreverrrr!” they giggled just as Violet’s phone began to ring. Raven peeped the caller ID. “Guess who’s callingggg,” she teased. “A goddamn loser,” Violet groaned as she sent the man to voicemail. “Whattt? I thought you missed him,” Naomi said. “I thought I did but he’s a jerk.” The woman’s scowl reminded Naomi of when they were in high school and Violet tried to deny who her crushes were. “Are you sureeee?” “Mhmm, he totally ignored my calls today so I’m returning the favor.” “And that makes him a jerk?” “Yes! I could’ve been having a preg-mergency!” “Maybe he was busy,” Naomi said in the man’s defense. “Yeah, busy packing,” she grumbled. “Wait, why packing?” Raven asked. ���Where is he going?” Violet pursed her lips. “Here,” she said quietly. “Here?” The woman nodded. “I may or may not have begged him to come.” “Whattt?!” her friends collectively exclaimed. “Yeah, he’ll be here tomorrow.” “Is he going to live with you again?” “No. He’s getting his own place.” “That’s good.” “Yeah,” she sighed. “Do you want him to stay with you?” Raven asked. “No! He’s too messy and immature and…and…” “You likeeeee himmmm,” Raven teased. “Do not!” “You dooo,” Naomi added. “I know that face.” Violet frowned. “There is no face.” Her phone beeped. “He left a voicemaillllllll,“ Raven taunted. The pregnant woman rolled her eyes and decided to listen to the message on speaker. “Hey, baby mama, I see that you’re still ignoring my calls but I still thought that you’d like to know that I’ll be landing tomorrow morning at nine. And I actually found a place a few blocks away from you. I won’t be too far in case of emergencies or in case I have to fulfil anymore sexual obligations,” he said sarcastically before Violet quickly hung up and her friends lost their shit. “You had sex with him?!” Raven gasped. “We knew it! We knew it!” “I did notttt!” “Then what happened? What is he talking about?” Naomi pried. “While I was in New York, I found him andddd I wanted sex but he just wanted to go down on me.” “That’s even better!” “Did you tell the poor guy that he was obligated to have sex with you?” Naomi asked. “Yes, because he is!” “You’re my hero,” Raven declared. “Was he good?” Violet pursed her lips. “Yes,” she reluctantly exhaled. Just the thought of the act was getting her in the mood again. Her friends cheered. “So you’ll definitely be making house calls!” “No I won’t! I’m so over him and I hope his plane gets sucked up by the Bermuda Triangle!” “Pffft, you don’t mean that. You’ll be right there when he gets off that plane, watch.” “Read my lips,” Violet snarled. “Not! Gonna! Happen!” — Fresh off the plane, Matt stepped out of the airport doors and he was shocked to see Violet leaning against her car. With a wide brim hat and large sunglasses, the woman attempted to be incognito, but he’d recognize that pout anywhere.

“Hi, gorgeous,” he cheekily greeted.

“Get in,” she demanded as she made her way to the driver’s seat. Since it’d save him in cab fare, the man obliged, tossing his suitcases into the backseat before climbing into the car. “Thanks for picking me up.”

“Yeah, yeah.”

“So how are you?”

“Good.”

“Good. My place is on 18th.”

“Okay.”

As Violet drove with tension in her hands, Matt couldn’t help but smile. “Are you still mad at me?”

“Nope,” she chirped. “Today is a new day.”

“I’m glad to hear that.” After that, the duo rode the rest of the way in silence. “Okay, turn right on the next street,” Matt directed. “Rightttttt here…um, okay you passed it.” He turned to face the woman. “Violet?”

“I need to make a stop at my house.”

“Um, okay..”

“I want you see the progress of the nursery.”

“Oh, yay!”

The woman smirked as the man fell into directly into her trap. She drove him to her home and when they made it to the place, Matt kicked off his shoes and rushed towards what used to be the guest room. It was now void of everything but lumber, nuts, bolts and miscellaneous parts that had the potential to be something amazing. “Nursery? This looks more like a construction zone.” He laughed. And as he turned to face Violet, he was caught completely off guard when the woman pushed him against the wall into an aggressive kiss.

Matt grabbed her the shoulders and gently pushed until she was arm’s length away. “Violet, what the hell,” he panted.

“I’m hornyyyy,” she whined.

“So you ambush me?! What is wrong with you?!”

“I didn’t want to admit to wanting you, which I technically don’t, you’re just my only option.”

He scoffed.

“Matthew, pleaseeee.”

“Woman, I just got off a six hour flight. I want to shower and eat.”

She gave him a look.

“Food!” he swiftly added.  “I want a burger.”

“Well, I have already have the bunssss. That’s a start.”

Matt laughed. “I don’t like white bread.”

The woman groaned as she stomped her foot. “I really shouldn’t have to beg you! I,” she dramatically wheezed in her best attempt at playing a damsel in distress. “I-I-I-”

The man grabbed her hands. “Violet, please calm down.”

She shook her head. “Ca-Carry me to m-m-my room, pl-please. Please, Ma-Ma-Matthew, I can’t bre-breatheeee.”

Matt quickly scooped the woman into his capable arms.

Fuckkk, all he’s missing is the hardhat and tool belt, Violet thought as she wrapped her arms around his neck. “Matthew,” she exhaled.

Matt pursed his lips to combat how good the woman’s lips and cool breath felt against his skin. This was no time for him to be turned on and when he made it to the door of Violet’s bedroom, he attempted to lower her.

“Nooo.”

“This is your bedroom. You said that’s what you wanted,” he reminded.

“I know but please don’t put me downnnn.”

“Well, I can’t hold you and open the door.”

Violet released the man’s neck and turned her doorknob, finally allowing the man access to the forbidden oasis that she called her bedroom.

“This is what I imagined Princess Diana’s room must’ve looked last like,” Matt exhaled in awe.

Matt walked the woman over to the edge of the bed and eased her onto it. “Thank you, Matthew.”

“You’re welcome. Are you feeling better?”

She shook her head as she bit her bottom lip. “Join me.”

“Violetttt,” he mocked in her classic whine.

“Please, Matthew.”

“Even if I haven’t showered?”

“I can wash my sheets.”

The man chuckled as he made his way to the other side of the woman’s bed. He settled onto the cloud-like mattress. “Fuckkk, this could put me to sleep in a minute.”

Violet rolled onto her side to fully face the man. “Don’t go to sleepppp.”

“I won’t,” he assured.

Violet leaned in to kiss the man and Matt turned his head to deflect it.

The woman sat up. “You think I’m disgusting, don’t you?”

“What? No, of course not.”

“Then why don’t you want to kiss me or anything?”

“Because I know you really don’t want me or even like me to be perfectly honest. It’s your raging hormones and they’re making you settle for me because I’m the one who just so happened to get you pregnant. Now, I know I’m not the best or most handsome guy in the world, but I do respect myself enough to not be someone’s desperate last resort.”

Violet frowned. “That’s not the case.”

Matt sat up. “Oh, really? ‘I didn’t want to admit to wanting you, which I technically don’t, you’re just my only option’ is what you just said like five minutes ago!”

“Okay but it’s true! And just because you’re my only option doesn’t mean that it’s a bad thing, it’s like pizza. If pizza was my only food option, I’d be ecstatic!”

The man scoffed. “Okay, Violet. If things were different, I just don’t think you’d give me the time of day.”

“Honestly, I probably wouldn’t.” He shot her a look and she was quick to defend herself. “But things aren’t different! This is how life is turning out. Is it really fair to be disgruntled because of unknown outcomes and possibilities?! Maybe in an alternate universe, we’re madly in love but I can’t conceive children or maybe we’re married and I’m shamelessly unfaithful to you, making you think that a baby that belongs to another man is yours.”

“Wow…I never thought about that.”

“I know you didn’t. It’s like you think I’m some evil, manipulative bitch, Matthew and it hurts,” she sniffled. “I actually really do like you. I read that god-damned comic book that you made me every night and the baby kicks like crazy. You’re in New York now and I just want to try and make things between us.”

“What do you mean?”

Violet groaned. “I don’t know, Matthew. Just shut up and kiss me.”

Matt smiled as he wrapped his hand around the woman’s neck and pulled her into a kiss that quickly turned passionate.

Violet hummed against the man’s lips as her hands blindly reached for his waistband.

“Whoaa,” he panted against her lips. “What are you doing?”

“What do you think?! I told you that I was hornyyyy.”

“Okay, but sex just isn’t an option.”

“Why not?!”

“Becauseeee you’re pregnant and it’s just weirddd,” he groaned.

“It is not! It’s all natural and perfectly normal! Matthew, pleaseeeee!”

Matt gently pushed the woman back onto the bed once he hesitated to remove her trousers, she yanked them and her panties off for him. The man positioned himself in front of the woman’s flooded entrance and gave it a slow lick. Violet shivered before pushing the man’s face harder against her.

“You’re smothering me,” he grumbled.

“Keep going,” she begged.

Matt grabbed her wrist to remove her hand and when he caught his breath, he licked her again before wrapping his mouth around her clit.

Violet let out a series of squeals as the man pleased her in the way she so desperately craved. She wanted more. The woman blindly reached for Matt’s hand that was resting on her hip and guided it to where his mouth was.

“What the- hey!” he protested as the attempted to glide his fingers into her sugar walls.

“I need more, pleaseeee.”

“You can’t be putting stuff in there…the baby will feel it,” he whispered.

Violet sat up and gave him a look. “Are you serious? Who told you that, the baby books?”

“Pfft, it’s common knowledge!”

The woman frowned. “But the doctor said sex during pregnancy was safe.”

“Safe? Technically. Uncomfortable? Definitely.”

Violet grabbed her phone off of the night stand.

“What are you doing?”

“Calling my doctor.”

“Well, she’s just going to tell you the same thing. This is scientific fact.”

Within a few rings, Violet’s OBGYN was on the phone. “Hi, Violet, how can I help you?”

“I have a question about sex.”

“Okay, shoot.”

“Can the baby feel fingers or penises that penetrate the vagina?”

Matt cringed as Violet put the woman on speaker.

“No, the baby can not feel anything that is inserted into the vagina. Your baby stays safe in the amniotic sac of your uterus and does not feel any pain or pressure from your sexual acts,” she assured.

The man wrinkled his nose.

“Thank you so much, doc. My…partner,” she said reluctantly, “is being stubborn and won’t do any sexual acts to me because he’s been misinformed about pregnancy science.”

Her doctor laughed. “What are his hangups?”

Matt cleared his throat before he spoke loud enough for the doctor to hear. “Well, I’m hung like a horse and I’m terrified that I’ll hurt him.”

Violet rolled her eyes.

“That’s a common misconception,” the doctor assured. “The penis only enters the vagina, the baby is wayyy up there in the uterus which is protected by the mucus plug at the cervix.”

“Ew.”

“Okay, okay, think of your baby as an egg that is  surrounded by a pillow, bubble wrap then another pillow. There is no way you will hurt the baby.”

“Good,” Violet chirped. “Thank you so much, doc.”

“No problem, Violet. Take care.”

“Oh, I will,” she practically purred as she hung up the phone and turned her gaze to Matt.

“What she said was disgusting.”

“I know but it’s science! Matthew, please, if you care anything about my sanity, you’ll just do itttt. I can’t control my body and-”

She was silenced by Matt’s lips. “You talk too much.

Violet allowed the man take control as he guided her back to the bed prior to repositioning himself between her legs. He returned his mouth over her love button. With each stroke of his tongue, the woman let out a soft moan.

“Fuck,” she panted.

Matt took his time working his tongue over the sensitive spot while his index finger teased her eager sugar walls. When he finally slid his finger inside​, Matt swirled it around before adding a second one. The man coated his digits in the woman’s natural lubricant prior to sliding them in and out as her searched​ for her G-spot. He continued to massage her clit with his tongue and when Violet squealed as she arched her back, he knew that he’d found her bundle of nerves. Matt confidently​ worked up a rhythm between his fingering and tongue flicks that made the woman intertwine her fingers through his hair as she moaned out.

“Oh my God, Matthewww.”

Matt had to admit that he enjoyed the sound of Violet moaning his name and it encouraged him to keep going until she was writhing under his touch. He felt the girl tighten around his fingers so he gave her clit a few firm sucks.

“I’m cumminggg. Fuckkkk. Ahh!” Violet squealed and hollered as the warm tingles jetted throughout her body.

The man’s mouth was flooded with orgasmic juices and he lapped up every bit of it before attempting to pull away. Violet held his hand in place as she breathlessly panted. “Don’t stoppp.” Matt raised his eyebrows and watched in amazement as the insatiable woman practically fucked herself on his hand. She rocked back and forth until she began to tremble. “Oh my God,” Violet whimpered before finally pulling away.

“Wow,” was all Matt could say. Violet stretched out her arms and invited the man into them. He kissed the woman before settling onto the bed next to her. “You’re something else,” he told her.

“Thank you.”

The man sat up. “I think I should get going.”

Violet frowned. “What? Why?”

“I’m supposed to be looking at this new place I put in a request in for.”

“Yeah, I know that but do you have to leave now?”

“If I want that place, yeah.”

“Why can’t you just stay hereeee?”

“I’m a grown man. I can’t be mooching any more.”

“You aren’t moochingggg,” she whined.

“Hey,” he said sternly. "If you wanna give us a try, then I at least want to give having my own place a shot.”

“It’ll be a waste of money,” she snapped back.

“Well, it’s my money to waste,” he retorted.

Violet huffed. “I guess. Can I at least go with you to see your place?”

“Of course. I was actually hoping you would.”

The woman smiled. “Okay. Let me shower really quickly then I’ll be ready.”

“Alright.”

Matt should’ve known better than to trust that Violet even knew the definition of a short shower. A full two hours later, the squeaky clean woman emerged. “I’m ready,” she chirped.

Matt shot her a look as he glared over her fancy ensemble. Her white cotton top was the same shade as her pumps and they both were a nice contrast to the designer blue jeans and the black fur vest that she sported. With bone straight hair and a pop of her favorite red lipstick, the woman felt ultra chic but the way Matt was staring at her made her frown. “What?”

“You seriously took the time to get dressed up, do your hair and makeup?”

“Of course! Am I supposed to leave the house like you?”

He scoffed. “Just come on. Cruela.”

“Hey, this is vegan rabbit! I don’t kill animals for fashion, thank you very much.”

“But you’ll murder the ozone layer with your cleaning products.”

“You murder the ozone with your breath.”

“Well, look on the bright side. Once I move into my place, you won’t have to deal with it anymore.”

She frowned.

“Let’s gooooo. We’re already late.”

—

After piling into the car, Violet whipped and weaved through New York traffic.

“Turn left up here.”

“Wait, I want to get food first.”

“Violet, seriously?”

“Whatttt? I’m hungryyyy.”

“Can it wait?”

She scoffed. “Tell that to your kid.”

The man groaned. “Fine.” He pulled out his phone, selected a number and placed it to his ear.

“Who are you calling?”

“The realtor. I had an appointment but I’ve asked to push it back three times thanks to you.”

She made a face. “Sor-ry.”

“Hello, Thorgy? Yes, I’m so sorry, I’m going to be a little late…oh, I can? That’d actually be great. Okay…okay…thank you,” he said before hanging up.

“What’d he say?”

“He’s gonna send me a link so that I can pay my deposit and secure the place now because that area goes really quickly.”

“Ooo, convenient.”

“Mhmm. So where are you getting from?”

“Naomi’s boyfriend owns a pizzeria around the corner.”

“Cool.”

“Yeah, he’s really cool and I honestly think he’s the one for her. She just glows whenever she talks about him.”

“Like you do when you talk about me?”

“Ugh, as if!”

The woman pulled into the Bob’s Pizzeria parking lot and hopped out. After entering the place, she pushed through the crowd to make her way through the register. “Hi, is Bob here? He’s a personal friend of mine and he told me that if I ever wanted free pizza just to ask for him.”

“No, I’m sorry he’s not here.”

“Ughhh. Can I still get free pizza?”

“Sorry, lady. I don’t want to lose my job.”

“Fine. I’ll take a meat lovers calzone.”

Will her foot long pizza pocket in hand, Violet returned to her car and approached the passenger’s side.

Matt opened the door. “What’s up?”

“I eat, you drive.”

“Y-Y-You want me to dri-drive your BMW?”

“Yes, Matthew! Quit acting brand new and get out!”

The man didn’t hesitate to run to the driver’s side of the luxury car. Once inside, he exhaled as he glided his hands over the smooth steering wheel. “This is a dream come true.”

“You complained about me taking so long all damn and now you’re molesting my car! Let’s go, Matthew! And put your seatbelt on!” The baby kicked. “Oh, you hush.”

The man adjusted the mirrors, the seat and secured his safety belt before throwing the car into gear and slamming on the gas to speed out of the parking lot.

“Mathewwww!”

—

When they made it to their destination, Matt could physically feel the daggers that Violet was shooting him as she wiped her cheek of the marinara sauce that was flung there when the man whipped around the corner.

“You’re lucky that I didn’t stain my outfit or my seats, Sir.”

“If you got pizza sauce on your seats, would you get a new car?”

The woman snarled and climbed out of the car.

Matt followed suit. “Whattttt? With you, it’s a pretty valid question.”

Violet ignored him as she took another bite of her calzone.

“Alright,” the man sighed. “I’m in apartment twelve.”

The duo made their way up one flight of short stairs and found the corresponding door.

“What now, genius?” Violet asked, mouth full of beef and pepperoni. “You don’t have a key.”

“He left the key for me under the mat, genius,” Matt mocked in her overstuffed tone. The man retrieved the silver key from underneath the ‘Welcome’ mat and unlocked the door. When he entered the place, his jaw dropped. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

Violet frowned. “Are you aware that this place is smaller than my bathroom?”

“It was advertised as 400 square feet!”

“This is more like, 40. You couldn’t even fit a bed in here. What company did you find this place through?”

“Silverbay.”

“Are you serious?! Matthew, they’re shady as fuck!”

The man roughly ran his hand over his head in frustration.

“How much was your deposit?”

“$1,500.”

“Jesus Christ. You’d better check your bank account.”

The man’s heart raced as he logged into his mobile banking app and his heart completely dropped when he saw that he’d been completely wiped out. “They took everything!”

“Call your bank, now.”

After almost an hour on the phone, Matt sunk to the floor when he realized that it’d take at least thirty days to get his theft claim reviewed. He punched the wall of the small apartment as he angrily paced the place. “Bullshit!”

Violet had never seen the man so upset. She frowned. “It’ll be okay, Matthew.”

“No, it won’t be okay, Violet. I literally have nothing now!”

The woman grabbed his hand to stop him. “You have us.” She placed his hand over her stomach. “Now calm down before this kid punctures my gallbladder or something.”

Matt’s smile was soft when he felt the thumping. “Heyyy, little guy. What are you doing in there?” The baby replied with a punch. “Aww. I love you too.”

That 'L’ word made Violet’s heart skip a beat. She cleared her throat and Matt looked up at her.

“You okay?”

She nodded. “I just want you to know that you have us…since you have no choice but to live with us… at least for thirty days.”

The man exhaled. “It’s not that I didn’t want to stay with you, I just admire how independent you are and I really wanted that for myself.”

“I used to be independent but now I realize just how much I need you.”

Butterflies overwhelmed the man’s stomach. “So… we’re trying to make this thing work?”

“Yes,” she said bashfully.

He smiled and pulled her into a kiss. Violet melted against his touch before a thought occurred to her. “Mm! Can I use this place as a second closet?”

Matt laughed. “Whatever you want, Violet Chachki.”

The woman grinned and pressed her lips against her boyfriend’s in a passionate kiss.

[britesparc]

Weekend Top Ten #352

Top Ten Cartoons of my Childhood

After last week’s celebration of cinematic vulgarity (in which our hero, despite dropping more Fs and Cs than an explosion at a Scrabble factory, still managed to forget about Nick Frost in Shaun of the Dead), I wanted to restore balance to the Force somewhat by turning the clock back to simpler, more gentle times. In fact, we’re rewinding eighty-plus years by looking at children’s cartoons of my youth.

So here we have, quite simply, my favourite cartoons from when I was a kid. Now I’m saying “when I was a kid” to mean the 1980s – despite the fact that I was, really, still a kid for most of the 90s too. But Batman: The Animated Series debuted early in the 90s, and at that point I think the crossover between what I loved as a nipper and what I love now started to happen. I don’t think I can rank where Young David would place Batman without Old David weighing in to call it the greatest animated show of all time (fun fact: it is). So I’ve stuck to the 80s, which rules out the likes of Animaniacs, Reboot, Tiny Toons, Aladdin, X-Men, and loads more. Maybe I should have just called this “cartoons of the 80s” and been done with it. But here we are.

So, in conclusion: these are, to the best of my memory, my favourite cartoons from when I was a small boy. I’ve tried to think about what I loved and remembered from back then, rather than attempt to appraise what the shows are like nowadays; many of these I’ve not seen for decades, and some of them really do not hold up (Turtles in particular is rather shonky, and even my beloved Transformers varies wildly in quality). But they are what they are, and exist as articles of their time; I loved all of these as a nipper, and in many cases went out of my way to get comics, books, toys, and other manner of merchandise relating to my favourite telly programmes.

Now let’s take a trip down memory lane!

The Transformers (1984-1987): I mean, come on; how could I not? This show casts a longer shadow than anything else. I’ve also watched more of it than other shows, and more recently, so I can confidently say that although it was a relatively cheap toy cartoon from 35 years ago, a lot of it holds up well, so strong were some of these characters and the inherent concept of Robots in Disguise.

The Real Ghostbusters (1986-1991): I loved Ghostbusters almost as much as Transformers. I had the fire station, Ecto-1, a proton pack, the works. I’ve watched some of this relatively recently, too, and it’s very, very good – Old David likes it a lot more than the 80s Transformers toon. There’s even an episode where they bust Orson Welles’ ghost. True story.

Garfield TV Specials (1982-1991): I’m specifically talking about the often whimsical, frequently bittersweet, sometimes bonkers specials that aired sporadically throughout the 80s, many of which I owned on VHS. I remember CITV showed the first few in short groups, so it felt like a short Garfield TV series; but the invention and beautiful painterly style stuck with me, along with the music. Garfield and Friends (’88-’95) also gets a warm mention here, but was wackier and skewed younger, and even as a kid I didn’t love it as much as the more complicated Specials. Also shout out to Happy Birthday, Garfield, which was a behind-the-scenes look at Jim Davis and the Garfield machine, and was a phenomenal influence on little me.

Teenage Mutant Hero Turtles (1987-1996): funnily enough, I always associate the Turtles with the 90s, but I know they debuted in the 80s and I think the TV series aired over here in 1989, so I’m counting it anyway. Turtles was kind of a defining “Big Show” for me as I entered double digits, replacing previous faves Transformers and Ghostbusters (I think Garfield continued in the background as a comic strip). I obsessed over the toys and the merch and the fact that we were denied ninjas and nunchucks on this side of the pond. For shame. Last time I saw the original show I thought it was awful, however.

Muppet Babies (1984-1991): oh, I loved this. I’d have been quite young I guess, although probably the same age as when I was watching Transformers, so go figure. But this was really my main intro to the Muppets, and I remember when they more-or-less featured the Muppet Babies in Muppets Take Manhattan, and seeing them rendered in live-action blew my tiny mind.

The Raccoons (1985-1992): this show seemed to go on forever, a mainstay of my childhood. I remember watching the original TV movie/special, with its human cast and the dogs that go into the woods looking for a star, or something, and finding it a bit weird that those characters were more or less ditched in the series proper. But I still loved it, and I remember it as being rather sophisticated and more complicated than the usual kids’ fair; Cyril Sneer was, obviously, a bad guy, but I seem to remember him becoming complicated and genuinely loving his son who he didn’t quite understand, and slowly warming up over the course of the show. He wasn’t Megatron or Skeletor, is what I’m saying. Plus you had Bert Raccoon, who was a bit of an arse and not always in the right, either. I’ve not seen it in years so maybe I’m misremembering, but Little David found it compelling.

Count Duckula (1988-1993): I know Duckula debuted on Danger Mouse, and I did watch DM too, but really I’m all about the duck. Being a big fan of vampires I was all over this, and I just found everything about it hilarious. I was a bit of a Yankophile too, so I liked that David Jason gave him an American accent. I had tons of Duckula comics, most of which I reckon we threw away. But yeah – loved this show.

Duck Tales (1987-1990): sticking with the duck theme, we have this gem. One of the greatest themes in TV history, and humanity’s favourite Scot, Scrooge McDuck. This was a rollicking, hilarious adventure show with tons of personality, and really helped to kickstart the Disney animation boom of the late 80s/early 90s, which in my mind also encompassed things like Roger Rabbit and the resurgent animated movies, too. I even went to see the movie! I’ve yet to see the remake, sadly, but I applaud the casting of David Tennant.

Inspector Gadget (1983-1986): who didn’t love Inspector Gadget? I think this was probably one of those where it was the repetition of tropes and scenes – “sorry about that, Chief”, “I’ll get you next time, Gadget!” – that made it popular. Gadget was cool, Claw was scary, Brains was funny; this was top-drawer telly. I even wrote a synopsis, a few years ago, for a movie sequel called Inspector Gadget Returns, in which Gadget is old and washed-up, and a grown-up Penny has to bring him out of retirement when Dr. Claw returns. Kinda wish I was an established screenwriter so I could pitch it to someone, to be honest.

Dogtanian and the Three Muskehounds (1981-1982): aw, this show was very sweet. I remember watching it when I was very young (it’s the only show on this list that basically pre-dates me!), and my mum would do the voices of the characters for me. I really don’t remember it very well or how it holds up, but I know that for a little while there, it was seriously my jam. Teeny Tiny David loved it something rotten. If we’re sticking with anthropomorphised animals doing classic literature, I remember Willy Fog much better, funnily enough, but this just sneaks in based on that early childhood love.

Well, there we go. Now I want to watch all of these again. And Willy Fog, for that matter.

[gwynnew]

Frank Oz admits 'it hurt' to give up Muppets, says they'll never be as 'touching and soulful' (exclusive)

Frank Oz with Fozzie Bear and Miss Piggy (Credit: Everett Collection)

However much you might love the Muppets, Frank Oz loves them more. As Jim Henson’s closest collaborator on The Muppet Show and Sesame Street, Oz was the person behind dozens of fan-favorite characters, including Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Animal, Sam the Eagle, Grover, Cookie Monster, and Bert. He continued to perform with the Muppets from the 1960s through the 1990s, juggling his puppeteer duties with a thriving second career as a film director. Eventually, he did stop playing his characters — but to hear Oz talk about that decision is to understand how hard it was for him. “I had to release them,” he told Yahoo Entertainment, “and it hurt, because I still love ’em so much.”  During the conversation, his voice filled with emotion whenever his characters came up; at one point, he referred to the Muppets as “us,” as if his heart, too, is surrounded by foam and fleece.

Now, Oz is returning to his roots with the documentary Muppet Guys Talking (available digitally in March), which revisits The Muppet Show through conversations between the director and four of his original co-stars.  At the same time, the Muppets are in an odd position, culturally. Since Disney acquired the characters from the Jim Henson Company in 2004, the studio has struggled to find the correct outlet for Kermit, Piggy and friends. There have been some successes (the 2011 feature film The Muppets, a very popular YouTube channel) and some notable failures (the 2015 ABC sitcom The Muppets, which last just 16 episodes). Yet the popularity and visibility of the characters remains enormous. Just look at the proliferation of Kermit memes, or 2017’s internet-wide outcry over longtime Muppeteer Steve Whitmire being fired from the role of the beloved green frog (originally played by Jim Henson, who died in 1990).

So where do the Muppets go from here? During a rare interview with Oz on the occasion of Little Shop of Horrors‘ return to theaters, we asked the director for his thoughts about the state of Muppet-kind. Oz talked to Yahoo Entertainment about Henson’s influence on his career and his own reasons for stepping away from the Muppets. He also spoke candidly about Whitmire’s firing (“It’s so sad”) and his thoughts on the direction that Disney has taken with the characters (“I think Disney really, truly believes that they’re doing the best they can.”). While Oz spoke with obvious affection and respect for the newer Muppet performers, he was also blunt in expressing his belief that “they can never be as good as me” because “they don’t know the soul [of the characters] as much.” As to the question of whether the characters can evolve for the new millennium, Oz says the answer isn’t to reinvent the Muppets, but to “go back and be true to who they are.” Read the Muppets portion of our conversation with Frank Oz below.

Yahoo: When you made Little Shop you were coming off Dark Crystal and The Muppets Take Manhattan as a director. Was there anything you took from those movies and applied to your experience directing your first non-Muppet film? Frank Oz: If it wasn’t for Jim Henson I wouldn’t even be here. I mean, Jim is the one I learned everything from. And he had a tremendous love and ability, a talent for music. So as opposed to today, which is bad, the Muppets would never appear without music. Essentially we were always doing music with The Muppet Show, with the Muppet movies, there was always music for the characters that would then move the story along. So I learned all that from Jim, and there’s no question in my mind that I may have not brought it consciously to Little Shop of Horrors, but certainly it was in my genes that Jim taught me that brought me there, absolutely.

Frank Oz and Jim Henson on set of The Dark Crystal. (Credit: Universal Pictures/Courtesy Everett Collection)

Is there a difference between directing Muppets and directing people? It’s much harder with the Muppets because you have so much technical stuff to get out of the way. Directing people is much, much easier. Much easier. Because you don’t have to play camera tricks, you don’t have to play angles, you don’t have to create story in order to try and create the Muppets to be believable.

The recent blow-up over Steve Whitmire being replaced as Kermit has made me wonder, as somebody who grew up with the Muppets and loves them, whether the Muppets can really continue without the people who created them. Should the characters evolve in different directions? Do you feel that’s even possible? With Stevie it’s so sad, because the situation with Stevie was a pure business situation, as I understand it. I’d worked with Stevie since he was 18 years old, and on the floor he’s terrific. We had a lot of fun. So when he’s actually on the floor — I think it was something outside that. And it’s very sad.

But as far as the evolving Muppet characters, here’s the situation. I had to give up my characters on Sesame Street, and I had to give them up because I had four kids, I had a directing career, and I couldn’t say to Sesame Street, listen, I don’t want anybody touching my characters for the nine months or year-and-a-half that I’m doing a movie. I just couldn’t do that, you know? Wouldn’t be fair. So I had to release them. And it hurt, because I still love ’em so much. So that kind of answers your question that yes, they can go on.

However, Sesame Street today is not Sesame Street as it was before. Sesame Street has turned into a little kids’ show. It’s not anymore written on two levels where it’s hip for adults. So therefore, as a result of the philosophy of Sesame Street now, it’s not what it used to be. That has to permeate to the puppeteers, and the puppeteers don’t have an opportunity to have the characters evolve then. However, people are satisfied with what they see, in my opinion — they don’t know that there could be so much more, and if they had the opportunity to see the characters be more three-dimensional and grow more, they would flock to them more. But nevertheless, that’s the situation with Sesame Street. Also my characters on Muppet Show, because again, I can’t say, “No, you can’t do Piggy, you can’t do such and such.”

And I’ve become a director and I love it — but I love my characters. And by the way, these are good friends of mine who do the characters, and they work really hard. But they can never be as good as me. Just like I could never be as good as them. If they did a character called Joe, and I took over, there’s no way I could do Joe as good as them. Because Joe was in their hearts and their soul.

So they’re in a difficult situation. They’re doing their very best, and they really are trying to be true to the characters. And they actually are. But because they’re not inside me, they don’t know the soul as much. So it’s not fair to them to expect any more than that, because they’re already just trying to do the best job they can. And they’re doing a great job. This is Eric [Jacobson, who plays most of Oz’s characters] and everybody, these are all my friends.

So, this is a long-winded answer, but nevertheless, can the characters evolve, continue without the people who do them? Yes, they can. Will they be as good? No. Will they be as touching and soulful? No. But they will be as quotation-marks “good?” Yes, in my opinion.

Frank Oz attends the “Muppet Guys Talking: Secrets Behind the Show the Whole World Watched” panel at the 2017 SXSW Conference on March 12, 2017 in Austin, Texas. (Photo by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images for SXSW)

It’s been interesting as a fan to watch Disney’s efforts to reinvent the Muppets. Jim Henson was such a unique spirit and obviously the two of you had a special connection that translated into these characters. Would it take somebody like that, a unique, creative soul, to come in and do something new with the Muppets? I don’t think the answer is to do something new. I think the answer is to go back and be true to who they are. There’s nothing new to do except to dig deeper into their purity and innocence; that is what speaks to the audience. The problem was, in my opinion, that they were trying to do something new. And trying to do something new is an intellectual attempt, not an emotional attempt. It’s purely intellectual. And that doesn’t work with us, with the Muppets. What works is what’s emotional, what touches people, what feels right, what has fun, how we can screw around — that’s what people love about the Muppets, and not the attempt to do new Muppets.

And by the way I’m not putting down Disney. I think Disney really, truly believes that they’re doing the best they can. And I know the people who head the Muppets, and I know they love the Muppets and they’re doing the best they can, especially one person who used to work for the Muppets. And she’s doing an amazing job and she loves them. But when you get into a situation outside of her, when people think they know how to do the Muppets — they truly believe that. They just are wrong. [Laughs] They don’t get it. And it’s like you’re an amazing fan of a Formula One racing car, and you go from country to country and you follow that car and you say, “I love that car.” You know everything about the motor, you just love how it looks, everything. But then when you get in and drive it — you think you can drive it? You can’t. It’s a different situation.

So that’s how it’s happened at Disney. They truly love the Muppets. They really do. And they believe truly that they know how to handle it. But they actually don’t know because they haven’t been part of this for 30 years, and what’s really strong about the Muppets is the people underneath the characters. That’s what it’s all about, not the characters.

So in any case, that’s a whole thing. I just feel sad, because I feel Disney loves it so much, I wish they could really depend on the actual performers more who know so much.

I hope there’s a future for the Muppets. There needs to be, because I think it’s extraordinary the reaction around the world with the Muppets still. The affection is extraordinary.

Read more from Yahoo Entertainment:

Frank Oz restores dark original ending of ‘Little Shop of Horrors’ for Trump era (exclusive)

‘Labyrinth’ turns 30: Brian Henson shares memories of David Bowie, Jim Henson, and the grouchy goblin Hoggle

The magic of the Goblin King: An appreciation for David Bowie in ‘Labyrinth’