#noting that antidepressants wouldn't cause this

[themeraldee]

How’d think Homelander would react if his best friend took meds like antidepressants or smth and started lactating?

And like, she doesn’t even know about his obsession

If we're talking about friendship that's 100% platonic from both sides I don't see him 'pursuing' this in any way. It's not like he goes around sniffing to see which women lactate at the moment. He didn't even know about Firecracker until she shoved it in his face (literally) and presented it to be his.

So I don't see him either caring or even knowing about it unless his friend specifically complains about it.

Although it might be tempting and enticing to the part of him that craves to feel the motherly love he wants to be given it freely, he doesn't want to have to force it or beg for it.

If this friend already has a motherly nature to them it might tip him over to feeling more intensely about them in general, but due to his rejection sensitivity he wouldn't mention anything should he accidentally ruin one of the few rare relationships he already has. Just like he never pushed forward with Madelyn, instead slurping up any crumb he was given, it'd be the same with this person.

He's awkward and has very little experience with normal friendships and relationships so he wouldn't really know how to navigate the situation! It'd definitely have to be his friend instigating this. Whether that becomes friends with (lactating) benefits that's another story (but again, if the friend has 0 romantic feelings I do not see that happening either)

[macgyvermedical]

I encountered a drug called "Dextromethorphan" when looking up things that react with grapefruits for a fic. I found out it's been banned in Sweden since the 90s, so I couldn't use it for this specific story, but if you've got any interesting history I'd be happy so know!

Are you ready for this? Like. Ask yourself. Are you really ready for this?

In 1954, a researcher with the US Public Health Service received $282,215 (1954 dollars) from the US Navy, ostensibly to find a non-addictive alternative to an opiate drug called codeine (used for pain and and as a cough suppressant).

So the researcher found a bunch of people who had substance abuse disorder and tested 800 substances on them, trying to find ones that couldn't cause physical or psychological dependence, even on people who were prone to that sort of thing.

(Now, you might be asking if this experiment was ethical. The USPHS was concurrently doing the infamous Tuskegee Syphilis Study, so while I couldn't find any concrete answer, imma guess no.)

Out of these 800 tested substances, we use 3 today: propoxyphene (used as a painkiller), diphenoxylate (used as a diarrhea medication), and dextromethophan (a cough suppressant (and, as of 2022, part of a fast-acting antidepressant)).

Importantly, it was later noted that all of these are addictive substances and today most of them require a prescription. Though depending on where you are in the world, you might just have to be over 21 and show an ID.

You might think this sounds like a pretty standard story.

You would be wrong.

Because while the US Navy was the one handing the money to the USPHS, the US Navy had come by it via the Central Intelligence Agency.

Yes. The good ol' CIA.

So what stake did the CIA have in a non-addictive codeine replacement? Nothing, it turns out. That's just what they'd told the US Navy. What they really wanted was an incapacitant- a drug that causes incapacitation like unconsciousness or continuous hallucinations- without killing. Incapacitants are also useful for discrediting prominent political figures by making them look like they have severe mental health concerns, which was another reason the CIA wanted them.

This was part of a project called MKPILOT.

And wouldn't you like to know which of the three listed above they liked the most? Dextromethorphan. Because at high doses it causes severe- and incapacitating- hallucinations (this is also why it is banned in Sweden).

The problem with it is that it requires really, really high doses (about 3 grams, which would have to be packaged in some other substrate)- this would make it difficult to slip into a drink or food.

(It should be noted that around the same time, the US Army was doing research into a much more usable incapacitant called 3-Quinuclidinyl Benzilate which required as little as 150mg of the substance to be useful- it was featured in a MacGyver episode and I did a nice little review of it here. While I have no sources that say the CIA was directly involved in funding this, based on their extensive funding of similar DoD projects at the time, they probably did.)

But you wanted to know about how grapefruit interacts with dextromethorphan:

A substance in grapefruit (along with seville oranges, limes, pomelos, and possibly pomegranates) blocks the pathway by which many drugs are metabolized in the liver. This causes the levels of drug in the body to be much higher than expected. In the case of dextromethorphan in particular, it can mean that the drug stays in the body a lot longer- up to 24 hours instead of the usual 3-4 hours. It can also make side effects and toxic effects significantly worse, leading to hallucinations and sedation, even at low doses normally used for coughing.

[cerberus-new-owner]

Had this stuck in my head all day (I lied the past 2 months) but

how do the brothers deal with like ptsd and stuff after the fall and losing their sister (I'm pretty sure it is brought up in the games but idk)

ngl I almost didn't post this

TRIGGER WARNING/CONTENT WARNING - Big boy Spoilers (can't remember what lesson/s) and Topics, Angsty, Mentions of Antidepressants, Depression, Eating Disorders, PTSD (like everyone in this has it), Anxiety, Probably OOC (Please tell me if I need to add anything to this)

About 1476 words in this including the intro this part and the end notes

If you feel like you need help or are going to do something overly drastic that could potentially harm yourself or others please contact

lifeline: 13 11 14

beyond blue: 1300 22 4636

or any other services similar that can help that apply to your country, region or area I am unsure as to whether or not these numbers will work in countries outside of Australia

These are just my headcanons that I've formed over the course of the past few months. If you feel I should add something or edit a part that I didn't do well on I will gladly take on any constructive criticism and edit this as i do not personally have expreience when it comes to most of these topics.

Lucifer

after the fall and the whole having to see his sister on the brink of death and having to hide the truth from his brothers he 100% has PTSD he hates talking about anything to do with it and has done as much as he can to erase certain things about the war from his mind and he 100% feels guilty about dragging his brothers down with him this caused him to try avoid them making up excuses to not have to leave dias side or offering to take on extra work for dia (leading him to overwork himself like he does in the og and nb timelines) and domino-ed into mammon having to deal with the others. he does eventually get better at managing his feelings and talking to his brothers and the other characters (as seen in the games from what i remember) but it'll always be to a certain extent before his stubborn pride takes hold.

Mammon

medicated depression, lucifer was like never there seeing as he would've been busy with lord diavolo leaving mammon to try to look after his five younger brothers as they all grieved whilst he was also grieving and trying to control his sin he had to (somewhat) pull his shit together somehow and it wouldn't help that his brothers are constantly referring to him as a scumbag and blaming him for stuff disappearing suddenly, mams only choice was to get diagnosed officially and start taking the meds he was given so he could help look after his family, (and if i remember right mamon says multiple times that he does care about his brothers and wants to help them) he has blocked out as much from the celestial war as he can the main parts still stick with him but over time the affect the memories of the war had on him faded, it will forever hurt him to remember just not as much as it did in those first few months/year.

Levi

chronic social anxiety the amount of demons talking about the fall and not trusting the brothers caused him to become more cautious when talking to others he focused only on the good memories from when he was in the celestial realm like watching anime with his brothers and sister re-watching said anime for days on end eventually he'd branch out and try something new just not whilst he was grieving. he just wants to feel the nostalgia/feel like he's somewhat honoring his sisters memory by watching the shows they used to watch together, he likes reliving the good memories with his sister thnking of the good things that happened rather than the bad. he does take therapy sessions through chats and such when he feels he needs them (more so in the past than in the 'present' idk what to call it)

Satan

as much as he hates to admit it at the beginning of his existence he had separation anxiety. lucifer disappearing and reappearing being the main trigger purely because he would've been confused (imagine spawning with memories and a feeling of wrath that's not yours seeing the guy who you spawned from and watching as said guy disappears leaving you with his younger brothers who are trying to grieve) like he despises lucifer sure but i feel like it would've been something like a baby duck and its mother (aka the first thing it sees) so whilst tan was constantly trying to hurt luci in the early months of his existence underneath that hatred was some kind of f-ed up 'as long as i stay here with my brothers i am looked after and cared for' or some kind of 'if i stay here long enough i can put these memories to stories and experiences' it's also kind of a rebellious teenager type thing like sure he rebels against lu but it's not necessarily pure hate (if it were a pure hate he would be trying to kill lucifer instead of mildly inconvenience him daily) other than that i don't think he would have depression or anything just PTSD from how he came to creation.

Asmo

as much as i don't want to say it i feel like he had an ED at some point after the fall along with depression the ED mainly from the sudden shock of change from chastity to lust feeling the constant need for some form of connection causing self insecurity to sink itself into him making him feel a strong need to look good on the outside to find people/demons to help satisfy that need for 'connection' sure he had his charm but i don't think he would've really known how to use it properly (i don't think any of the brothers would've had control of their sins like they do in the present timeline) and he would've felt bad making someone he didn't know to do that sort of thing against their will (back then he felt a lot more guilty, now he's just a shameless flirt).

Beel

PTSD he blames himself for her death and binge eats from both his sin and guilt he did eventually find a healthier outlet most likely being exercise knowing his sister wouldn't want him to feel so upset he doesn't try to block out the memories knowing that nothing can be done instead he tries to ignore how guilty he feels when his sister is brought up in conversation, he does his best to go through his normal daily routines he is probably profesionally diagnosed for depression (mammon probably got at least him and maybe belphie get diagnosed, he figured if anyone out of the brothers is gonna have a depressive episode of sorts after the fall it would've been them).

Belphie

PTSD, and as much as he hates it he does partially blame beel for the death of lilith the first few months he spent seething silently occasionally killing a few humans to extract his 'revenge' on them and ignoring his brothers unless it was beel. i also think he has a bit of depression, he lost his best friend and sister, had to watch her pretty much die in front of him and then didn't even get to say goodbye to her body when he fell because her body was gone (from what i know/remember) and he was the youngest other than lilith (again from what i know/remember) who fought on lucifer and liliths side of the war thats 100% gonna fuck someone up (like i mentioned with beel's mams tried to get him diagnosed as well he probably either declined or slept through the appointment).

Holy sugar that was a lot to type, I don't think I was quite able to write as well/freely as I normally would between making sure my facts are straight about certain mental illnesses and such but I hope I did some good in writing about them.

These are just my headcanons that I've formed over the course of the past few months. If you feel I should add something or edit a part that I didn't do well on I will gladly take on any constructive criticism and edit this.

None of this is any sort of recommendation or saying 'you should do this to fix your mental health' as I do not have personal experience when it comes to a lot of the things I talked about here nor am I a professional (getting a diagnosis is probably a good thing to do but it is purely what you believe is best for you) I did as much research as possible on how they affect different people (and did my best to transfer that into demons).

I went a bit darker than I would on a regular day/months of writing/typing for a fandom and I thoroughly apologize if this made anyone uncomfortable in any way but there was a warning at the start.

Again, if you feel like you need help or are going to do something overly drastic that could potentially harm yourself or others please contact

Lifeline: 13 11 14

Beyond Blue: 1300 22 4636

or any other services similar that can help that apply to your country or area I am unsure as to whether or not these numbers will work in countries outside of Australia.

Have a good day/night/marshmallow (I promise the next thing I post isn't gonna be angsty)

its just a hop skip and a jump to the masterlist

[shinra-makonoid]

I read those replies about risks of HRT, and it's interesting how one of those studies says "we actually need to study this more", but that person drew a conclusion that "HRT is definitely causing this".

It is annoying. Cofounding factors are a real tricky bit in regards to studies and that person just... Imagine they can know more of them than researchers.

It's in the notes of this post:

Even I kinda go rough when I say "yeah T raises risk for CVD" considering that, as the study says, trans men are smoking more, exercising less, having more anxiety etc than the general population. And despite the rising risks for CVD, mortality stays the same.

I agree there is still a lot we don't know about HRT, I agree we should research it more. Better yet, design specific meds for us to have that are perfectly attuned to our needs. For example, now I'm at almost a full vial of T every four weeks, (0.9ml out of 1ml, it decreased with my weight), so I don't throw away that much. But at one point I was at 0.5ml every two weeks, meaning I was throwing away half a vial every two weeks, aka a complete vial every month. It was crushing me because there are shortage of those meds and I hate throwing away stuff. Had there been a specific med tailored to specific trans needs, that wouldn't have happened.

But to claim that, because the specific med wasn't approved for, specifically, trans people it means it's dangerous and that we shouldn't use it.... Is just false. We have no evidence of that, we have even less evidence that it would outweigh the benefits. That person is just taking a stance that every med used off label should just have a 30 years cohort of test to decide whether it should be used, independently of whether the people who use it really need it or not. Which, even if it were to happen, would probably not even let pharmaceutical companies take the steps to actually make a med for us because we don't bring them enough money for it.

Doctors are also not usually just morons playing with molecules, they engage their responsibility using those meds and therefore make sure it's used well, they are experts in those domains. In my country at least, if you're not an endocrinologist, a gynecologist or a few other specific specialties dealing with hormones, you can't prescribe HRT. It does mean that yes, blood tests every 6 months are important, but like, if something really bad was happening to my body, we'd know. That's also how we realized that I had a fatty liver, which led me to eat better, which led me to have healthier habits in regards to food. So like... I guess T saved my liver in my case, as it has absolutely 0 symptoms before it's too late (the liver is a stealth bastard).

And again, I could go on and on about antidepressants and antipsychotics. I wouldn't advise anyone to stop them or anything, I think sometimes they outweigh the risks, but I personally had disastrous side effects from antipsychotics (taken to treat depression and anxiety, which is not even for that normally so yeah talk about off label I think that's a bigger issue, but i was at a mental hospital and pressured to take them and all) which led to hypothyroidism and prolactin level issues for me. Those side effects are studied and known to belong to antipsychotics, and little do you know when I stopped (after suffering from massive insomnias and bad feelings, it was a real shit med for me) it vanished.

I don't understand why HRT is the main issue when it's about such a tiny number of people, hasn't shown any bad metabolic side effects (except maybe like raising bad cholesterol but it doesn't mean much, it can still very much be in normal range, i still have normal range for ex), and hasn't had any evidence of shortening lives so far. If it ever changes, then I'll change my opinion, but I really don't think we'll find in ten years that T caused people to die, every expert on the issue argues that it's probably safe.

I think it's saner to argue that, even if you have no issue whatsoever, it's important to exercise, eat well, socialize, and avoid drinking and smoking. That advice is for every single person and it will save lives, way more than stopping T will ever do.

[chooseyourhorizon]

A Comprehensive Guide to Ketamine Therapy

Ketamine therapy is a promising treatment for depression, anxiety, and other mood disorders. It's also used to treat chronic pain and has even been shown to reverse opioid addiction. Here's everything you need to know about this new therapy.

What is Ketamine Therapy?

Ketamine is a drug that's used as an anesthetic and pain reliever in humans. It's also used to treat conditions such as depression, PTSD and chronic pain.

Ketamine therapy is the use of ketamine to treat conditions such as depression, PTSD and chronic pain. The treatment can be administered at clinics in Los Angeles like Ketamine Treatment Centers of America (KTCA).

How Does Ketamine Therapy Work?

Ketamine is a dissociative anesthetic that works by blocking the NMDA receptor, which is involved in pain processing. The drug has also been shown to have antidepressant effects, which can be beneficial for people suffering from depression or other mood disorders like anxiety and PTSD.

It's important to note that ketamine isn't a cure-all for every patient; it won't work for everyone with depression or anxiety, just as any other medication wouldn't work for everyone who takes it (for example: SSRIs). If you're interested in trying ketamine therapy, talk with your doctor about whether or not this treatment would be appropriate for you based on your specific diagnosis and history of psychiatric illness.

What Conditions Can Ketamine Therapy Treat?

Ketamine is a unique drug that can be used to treat a variety of conditions, including:

Depression

Anxiety

PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder)

Pain management and chronic pain syndromes like fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis and migraines.

Where Can I Get Ketamine Therapy in Los Angeles?

Ketamine therapy is available at many clinics in Los Angeles and other cities. To find a ketamine clinic near you, search for "ketamine therapy" on Google Maps and click on the first result (I'll link to one below).

If you don't have any experience with psychedelic drugs or are nervous about taking them, it's important to make sure that the clinic you choose offers safe practices and has good reviews from patients who have undergone treatment there. Check out their website to see if they provide information about their staff qualifications, certifications and licenses; what kind of experience they have treating depression; whether they offer insurance reimbursement (if applicable); who else is allowed into sessions beyond just patients; etcetera!

You should also ask yourself: Would I feel comfortable spending time with this person? Do I trust them? Are they someone who would listen carefully enough so that my needs were met during treatment sessions? This can be especially important if you're dealing with trauma related issues because some therapists may not be able to help relieve your symptoms unless they themselves understand what those symptoms are from firsthand experience - which brings us back around again...

Find out more about ketamine therapy.

Ketamine therapy is a new form of treatment that uses ketamine to treat patients with conditions like depression, PTSD and other mental health issues.

Ketamine is an FDA-approved drug that's been used for decades as an anesthetic in hospitals. It's also used illegally as a party drug under names like Special K or Cat Valium because it makes you feel relaxed, calm and happy--but it can also cause hallucinations if you take too much. The way ketamine works on your brain is different from how most antidepressants work: instead of changing how much serotonin (the "happy" chemical) there is in your brain, it blocks something called glutamate receptors so they don't get overloaded with too much stimulation at once--which leads to feelings of depression and anxiety when there isn't enough serotonin available for them to use properly!

At Choose Your Horizon, we offer ketamine therapy in Los Angeles.

Our mission is to help people find their best selves. We do this by providing the highest quality ketamine treatments for depression and anxiety.

We know that life can be tough sometimes, but we also know that you have the power to make it better. We want to help you get there.

Choose Your Horizon 4136 Del Rey Ave, Marina Del Rey, CA 90292 +1 410 886 7398 https://www.chooseketamine.com/https://www.google.com/maps?cid=10854176009822741710

[xenosagaepisodeone]

the antipsychotic sensor thing is misinformation, or at least very misleading

the website literally says this

having to consent to something like this is completely arbitrary. are you not aware of how someone can be forced/coerced into participating in this, how delusions of being watched can easily be exacerbated with this and (most importantly) how healthcare specialists having this amount of intimate access to a patient can be used to harm/institutionalize them. “take your medication or we will put you in jail” is already a condition of release for many previously incarcerated people. outside of that, the government can utilize the data of doctors to enact harm where doctors even choose to not; this woman had her driver's license revoked for confiding in her doctor that she had depression. it’s using the guise of convenience to set a terrible precedent.

idk about the states, but insurance companies can deny you coverage by having access to data like this here in canada. one of the reasons I was denied a policy this year was because a few months ago I asked my doctor for a note to take a stress leave from work....and the insurance company chose to interpret this as a mental breakdown caused by the fact that I stopped taking antidepressants nearly 10 fucking years ago when there was no doctors note explicitly saying I was allowed to stop. it was cleared up by giving the underwriter a stern talking to, but god, can you imagine how much worse it would be for someone who was on antipsychotics? they possibly wouldn't even want to hear you out.

the site also states that all data is encrypted and secured in the cloud, but considering how many cloud breaches there have been over the years. lol.

[letters-to-lgbt-kids]

(TW: Religion)

My dear lgbt+ kids,

Heads up! If the idea that people can receive messages from God goes against your personal beliefs or upsets you for any reason, it may be better to skip this letter. I do not want to make you uncomfortable and kindly ask you to show me the same courtesy.

Still here? Okay, then you can probably guess what today's letter is about. As a religious lgbt+ person, I feel like we so often focus on forgiveness, on "God doesn't hate you"... rather than on "God loves you". This is why I want to talk about the times I received a message from God. Each of these messages helped me feel a deep connection to God and made me feel truly loved. I want to share that love with you.

Two quick notes before we get to it:

1. I use He/Him pronouns for God because I feel the deepest connection when I think of Him as my father. But I genuinely believe that God is, in human terms, genderless and fine with any pronouns and that the "right" pronouns are whichever help you feel closer.

2. Mental illness can make it feel like your thoughts aren't yours. Spreading the idea that all thoughts that feel like that come directly from God would be irresponsible. Keep in mind that an almighty being has no reason to bully you: thoughts that feel terrifying or distressing or are violent in nature are not messages from God, even if they feel like they come from outside your head. God will not send you messages that put you in unsafe situations or cause panic attacks.

So, with that out of the way: The first time it happened was in my childhood but I want to focus on the times it happened as an adult here.

As you may know from earlier posts, I was severely depressed in my early twenties. For many years, I routinely cried myself to sleep. It was one of those nights. I was crying, feeling deeply miserable and worthless, and started to pray. When we say pray, we often imagine something structured and dignified, but it was really just me crying and desperately asking God why I am alive when my life clearly has no purpose... and suddenly a very gentle, soft voice replied "Because I wanted to love you". (To be precise, it was in German and used the term "lieb haben" which is the way you'd express love in a family, like a parent to a child). It gave me an indescribable feeling of warmth and safety and calm. I didn't feel scared or confused, it immediately made me stop crying.

It'd be a big lie if I told you this instantly cured my depression. Therapy and antidepressants and some life changes did. But it did have a big effect on me. Whenever those feelings of worthlessness took over, I remembered those words. My life doesn't need a purpose, God didn't create me to achieve anything. He made me to love me, and that's a pretty cool purpose in itself.

The second and third one are actually both lgbt+ related in some way:

I didn't know the term gender dysphoria back then but I had a bad dysphoria day. I took a bath and just sat there, staring at my naked body and bawling my eyes out. I didn't really "know" I was trans yet but I knew that it hurt to think of myself as a woman. I silently confessed and apologized to God, "I know you made me a woman but I wish you would've made me a man and I am so sorry to disrespect you like that"... and there again I heard that gentle voice, this time with a little laugh. "If only you knew how little I care about that."

When I write that down, it doesn't really reflect how soft and loving those words felt. I had been crying the second before and then started to laugh, too. Of course God wouldn't care about that! Those are human thoughts. He doesn't care if you are trans or cis, he loves you the way you are. It's silly to apologize for it. This knowledge ultimately helped me to explore my gender identity and come out to myself.

The third one is different as it wasn't a "I cried and prayed" situation. It was shortly after I came out as trans to the world and it was just a random, perfectly normal evening. I scrolled through social media and came across a post telling you to type "I know" and then let your phone's automatic text prediction finish the sentence. I tried it and unsurprisingly it was some nonsense sentence - I think my most often typed sentence at that time was "Will you come over to dinner today". so my phone predicted something like that. I put my phone away and went to sleep... only to wake up in the middle of the night to the voice telling me "Do it again, I want to tell you something". I did, while only half-awake, and this time the following sentence appeared: "I know that you are fighting with your head but you are a lovely man I know this I love you". I fell back asleep, feeling that same sense of safety and warmth and calm that I felt before.

Unlike the "come over to dinner" one, this wasn't close to any message I would often type. It doesn't really make sense that my phone would predict something like that - but it perfectly fit as a message of support from a loving parent. It felt like God was confirming that he believes in my gender identity and that he still loves me after my coming-out.

I hope this letter made you feel loved in some way as well!

With all my love,

Your Tumblr Dad

[irondadfics]

Helloooo. Looking for a fic where Peters metabolism causes his anti depressants to stop working.

Happy, in a Crying Sort of Way by LordOfThePoptarts

Peter Parker would say there were a lot of positives to getting bit by a radioactive spider. Better stamina, super strength, super healing, precognition, and getting to meet Iron Man would just be some items of note on the long list of pros. There were plenty of drawbacks too though. He couldn't eat anything with peppermint in it anymore, and he couldn't thermoregulate, but the one con that bothered Peter the most was that normal medication no longer worked on him because of his metabolism. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem except for when he got hurt on patrol and needed painkillers of course, which okay was pretty often, but Peter could deal with a lack of painkillers. Sure, it hurt and was painful, but the wound was always gone in a day or two, because hey super healing. What he couldn't deal with was when his antidepressants stopped working.

[sonneillonv]

and chrissie surely didn't tell him the real reason why she needed it. she probably told him she's stressed because of finals after springbreak so he didn't know the extent of her situation. he wouldn't have given it to her if he thought it could harm her. love your additions.

Thank you, Anon 💜

And no, she definitely didn't tell him the real reason or he wouldn't have been quite as shocked when Vecna's attack first started. 😅 She might have told him she's having really bad dreams, or maybe that she's been so anxious with a sense of impending doom that she can't focus on anything else. Maybe just that she 'feels scared all the time'. But my overall guess would be that he would have thought her problem was anxiety and/or depression, and Ketamine is actually very effective for treating depression!

A Ketamine high is characterized by disassociation and euphoria, which may be why Eddie thought it might help her - not only by lifting her mood, but also by giving her some distance from whatever was causing her such anxiety in her life so she could relax. A low dose, taken once, would have been really truly unlikely to cause her any harm or give her a bad experience, so the people saying that Eddie didn't give a shit about her safety are way off-base. As party drugs go, he picked a very safe one for her, and one that may actually have been able to help her had her problem NOT been, y'know, supernatural.

Mental health stigma being what it was in the 80's, I strongly doubt she would have gone into too much detail. But one of the things I love about Hellcheer, and that makes me love Eddie, is that after talking to him for literally five minutes Chrissy felt like she could trust him to help her without judging her. And I've said many times, and will continue to say, that I think Eddie being 'the local weed-and-occasional-pill-guy' and Eddie being a DM are actually two sides of the same moral precept for him, which is this: When your life is shit, escape is a kindness.

An escape can be a couple hours in a fantasy role-playing game where the goals are concrete and you can actually win. Or an escape can be a couple hours of a euphoric trip. An escape can be the stage high you get off playing heavy metal for an enthusiastic audience of five drunks. Eddie's whole character is built around the idea of 'escape' which is, incidentally, why his cowardice makes perfect sense - he runs from problems, he helps other people run from problems. The system has never helped him, so he works outside it. He sees someone like Chrissy, with the walls closing in around her, and he opens a window for her the only way he knows how. It's not greed or negligence, it's mercy.

Is it the absolute bestest, most ideal way for Chrissy to address her problems? Of course not. In a perfect world, her whole family would be in (free, competent, compassionate) therapy - and it's worth noting here that Chrissy DID try that. She was talking to a therapist, but I doubt the guidance counselor was licensed to prescribe and even if she was, that would have meant getting Chrissy's parents involved. Actually, it may even have been her recommendation that Chrissy see a doctor licensed to prescribe antidepressants that drove Chrissy to Eddie in the first place - if she knew she needed chemical help, but she couldn't tell her parents, that leaves her one obvious option.

What a lot of people in this fandom don't seem to realize is that we do not live in a perfect world. If you actually care about helping people and reducing the harm they suffer from their circumstances, you have to meet them where they are, and where they are is usually messy and imperfect and problematic and less-than-ideal. You have to square with the fact that people still deserve help when they make choices you don't like. If you judge them for using the only safe resources they had (or in Eddie's case, for offering the only safe resources people had), you're actually doing the opposite of good - you're contributing to a stigma that drives people away from seeking help through legal channels.

[moonlovingvampire]

oh and I'm still thinking about acephobia apparently.

Asexual discrimination is legal in Sweden since the law says "Discrimination based on sexual orientation is illegal. In this law sexual orientation is defined as Homosexuality, Bisexuality, and Heterosexuality" (1 chap. 5§ Fifth paragraph (2008:567), paraphrased and translated). This also makes discrimination against pansexuals legal too, since it isn't listed by name, or any other sexuality that isn't gay, bi, or straight. Romantic orientation isn't mentioned at all.

Sure, you can infer that it means all sexual orientations and romantic orientations, but it doesn't, very clearly. In listing what orientations it is illegal to discriminate against it also makes all other orientations legal to discriminate against.

so there's that. Would a judge rule that an illegal discrimination "hasn't occurred" when it is against other orientations than listed? I don't know. I hope they wouldn't. But as it stands, it hasn't according to the law.

on a "lighter note", another thing I noticed pretty much exactly 2 years ago at the end of pride month was some casual acephobia while watching a tiktok compilation, something I might not have noticed if I wasn't ace, which makes it even more dangerous.

It was called "tik toks to get in to the mood for pride month" or something, and I must point out that the individual tiktoks were not inherently acephobic, but the compilation was.

It included 3 videos with asexuality in them, though it really was more like 2.

The video that doesn't really count is a video of a person going through the pride section at a store and there's an ace flag in the selection.

The other two videos however....

They were both about people who used to identify as ace but now, person 1 is a lesbian, and person 2 is questioning since their antidepressants stopped working and they think they might be experiencing attraction now.

I am all for questioning your orientation and even changing which label to use. Sexuality is fluid and your own understanding of your sexuality can also change. I have nothing against people who used to identify as ace but no longer do. In fact, I'm happy for them, understanding yourself is a journey and each step should be celebrated.

My problem is that 1. the only videos with asexuality were with people who no longer identify with the label, and 2. the only videos with people questioning or changing their label are with people who used to identify as asexual.

I have been told directly that asexuality is inherently homophobic because it stops people from identifying as gay. I have been told that asexuality isn't real and is just a side effect of antidepressants.

That these two videos were chosen does not seem like a coincidence. These two videos reinforce those beliefs. A viewer not familiar with ace exclusionist talking points would not recognize this casual acephobia and might in fact internalise these false opinions, that asexuals are just people who don't realise that they're gay, and that asexuals are just people with a hormone imbalance caused by medication.

No mention of asexuality would have been better than just including these two videos as it would not reinforce these exclusionist beliefs.

Aphobia is still here. It's in mocking QPPs, it's in mocking picrew icons with the ace background, it's in many more ways. It might not be ever-present like it was a couple of years ago, but that doesn't mean it's gone.

[thenondenominator]

The Day Will Come (Various #3)

Today I will talk about the gnawing, burning sensation in my chest, area—for awhile—I was convinced, it was, a heart defect; but after, so many ER visits, last year—x-rays, EKG's, pulse-oximeters, and blood tests—absolutely, nothing, turned up! And that might sound like "good news", to a lot of ya, but no—the pain did not go away—and instead, of relief, for months I would be panicking. Supposedly, a majority of the pain is psycho-somatic, because these—medications (antidepressant and antihistamine)—have, partly, proven that; as thee sensations, have not, been as—bad [/ unbearable]—since. However, every now and then, thee crawling, creeping—disgusting emptiness—within my gut, comes back, with a sickening feeling. Anyways, psycho-genic-non-epileptic-pseudo-seizures, somatoform, conversion disorders—aside—the mind can be a wicked, gnarly beast, to confront (of all the horrors, within feasibility's, sight); can drive me to my very end, of nightmare-inducing, hyperventilating terror. I am thankful, I am calm enough, to—be—here now, typing about it, instead of dying from it. Mental illness hurts.

What is my business? My business is life and death: W.U.L.D. (Worthless, Useless, Lifeless, Dead) Incorporated™ ©2010-2022, brings together ol' family values and treasures—of modern, American society—to, satiate and cherish, the mouth of the beast (χξϛ). 😉

Some people believe in hell. Think about that, if they actually, believe in it—they're—risking their children to potentially go to hell, so in some regards, it's even worse; but yeah, I've encountered, so many—different types—of people, those who believe there is some purpose ambiguously and those who will just attack us, for not assuming it. I hate the humans, lol, but I hate the humans who hate the humans—a bit—less. ;-)

Once, you get over the whole, "I'm eating cat (/ dog) food", gag reflex—it—really, isn't, so bad; I mean, I might, even—consider—it, over some human foods, like ramen and poptarts (in terms of, its nutritional value; I mean—they—live off of the stuff, if you wouldn't eat it yourself, what kind of message are we sending them?!): *I have eaten multiple kinds of cat food*, for survival, and I can tell you—which—is, the most, palatable: Thankfully, "Twin Pets" (which, is, the cheapest) actually comes in 3rd. I would primarily eat "Blue Wilderness" and Amazon's knockoff version—if I had the, forced, choice (between, the, three)—though, brands I would avoid, are "Friskies", "Meow Mix", and their canned food pates (I have, not, found—one—suitable, for, my tastes; though, it must—be said—in general, this is *all* pushing it, to begin with). It is, also important to note, that—my cat—found "Friskie's" and "Meow Mix's", brands, more palatable (than me); albeit, he, also—enjoys—"Blue Wilderness", and sometimes, "I and Love and You" (but I did not, particularly, however). Types of cat food, I would *particularly* avoid, are—fishy—versions, he doesn't like them, either. I mean, come on guys, that fish—flavor—is really, strong, I feel bad (for the cats, who, have no—choice—in, thee, matter)! On a side, note, here—is a video—that reminds, me of, eating cat food (while, being a—bit—"insane"—itself; though, with one more addendum, I—really wish—they'd just tweak cat and dog food, and make, a kind for humans [since "Twin Pet" and "Blue Wilderness", are almost, there—ya'd just have to—include, extra, vitamins; and I'm not kidding, that stuff ("Twin Pet")—is almost—like corn flake cereal, with extra protein, soy, meaty bits (I guess, thee humans, are—too—self-conscious, for this, ;D—go—figure, okay, enough!)]): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=13HtcK59CfE

I never, really, understood—needing to have penetration—there are other ways to derive sexual pleasure. I guess, I am a "weirdo", but masturbation—was—usually, almost always, enough for me; but I'm not making judgments, just suggestions, and my suggestion—is that most people—shouldn't procreate, but that's 'cause life is pretty cyclical (with pain to pleasure and vice-versa—over and o'er—inherently aggressive act; that being, to kill, and to create—force—one to be here, and to, take away), and I wanna move on.

Yea, there are growing movements of women, who simply don't want to live up to the expectations, of being child-rearers (anymore). There is enormous pressure, in various cultures. It does take a lot to not play a part in that—but it's still a choice—out of the myriad of choices, that can lead us to be here, we can also choose not to be.

Looking into the naked jaws of life, the wicked maw, with its appendages and tentacles—jolting—forward, like hex magic, I suddenly realized a cracking smile across my face. Awe, the laughing, beckoning—thee audience—welcomes, the various torture instruments and technologies, I pay attentive gaze (to); they shall be used, on me, too!—but I do not cry or whimper!—spring forth and welter, like a zombie caterpillar, eager (to prove the mettle and the raw grit of my medal—disgusting—ease, in anticipation, for the coming attrocities; my friends and family, holy days past me, fuck off and—be no more—for the days have come, for my precious, splendid, diamond sacrifice [o' succulent blood, ritualized!—temptation(s) abound(s) my plasticine doom!]).

I forget when I saw actual gore, but I made a shock video, denouncing life—on Earth—using various gore clips from "BestGore", at the time, and it stayed public (for about a few hours, before, it was taken down—on—YouTube). If anything makes me hate the human race and life on Earth, it's gore, of children and animals—that's thee worst, to me, because they are so helpless—nothing is worse than watching them, suffer, so vulnerable (where, no one is there, to protect them—only—torture them); but yeah, I don't like the humans, even—before—I was made, more deeply aware, of pedophiles, torture videos, etc. I always kind of hated life on Earth. I mean, nature on its own, is pretty gnarly—with hippos eating their young and bear maulings—but humans have kicked it up a notch, definitely, by how we torture each other. I think, George Carlin, said it, 'we're the only species that tortures and murders, each other, for personal gain'. Anyways, all depression and such aside, I don't watch—gore—because I enjoy it. I actually, just watch, because—it's thee final frontier, for me—to see how horrific it all can get. It's like I am awaiting my own gore video. I wish us all eternal peace. Don't wake up.

I look forward to us all being dead, but I can't be relieved, unless—I see it—happen. This is a different statement than, wanting death. I don't think anyone wants death, so that is a thing you can point out. People are compelled to commit suicide and kill and torture, themselves and each other, but they still do it—so this argument—that people can't feel compelled, to end civilization, isn't going to stand up. "Humans are capable of anything", I'm with, George Carlin, on that one. "We're the only species who tortures and murders, one another, for personal gain", for another quote.

[potatopossums]

Since I'm on antidepressants, I'm really diligently taking notes about my moods, thoughts, energy levels, sleep, activities, symptoms, and overall health several times a day. Just to get accurate data on how i feel day to day. Because my brain's recollection ability is bullshit, especially with depression.

Sometimes it's nice to know that during the day, i get to stop and pay attention to myself for once. I get to be honest and write down just how shitty i feel, not having to pretend for anyone. Or, when I'm feeling good despite a bad situation, i can feel proud or accomplished about it and nobody can stop me.

Mostly it's the bit about me feeling crappy and not being able to voice it. I'm so used to just hiding my "negative" emotions and thoughts. And now, more and more I'm finding it to be suffocating if i don't let those feelings out.

Like today, I'm feeling happy that i accomplished what I did. I got to give a friend some cookies i baked, which made me feel happy. It made me feel like i was achieving something i had been wanting to do for so long. It's always fun to get treats in my opinion, and i have way more cookies than I could possibly eat right now, so why wouldn't I give them to other people to enjoy? I love to see that I've impacted someone in a positive way. I love to imagine them enjoying cookies in a similar way i do, appreciating them, enjoying the flavor and texture. It's just fun to me. I like to share those moments with other people, those small joys.

I'm also having mixed feelings about the rest of my day. I was happy to spend time with my other friend, but she also seemed really tired and exhausted, and little things like that worry me. I know she enjoyed her time, but there's always some little voice deep down that says "but what if she was annoyed with you and really wanted to just leave and go to bed the entire time you played games together and just felt too guilty to leave???" It just plagues me even though that's never happened. I just always worry about it in some way. It's a nasty little thought that always comes up somehow, and the fear inevitably grows.

I think i tend to feel insecure a lot around this friend, and I'm not totally sure why. Maybe it's because of the level of vulnerability I'm feeling with her. I know i definitely consider them a safe person in some regard, and i definitely like hearing from them and talking to them. I'd consider them a best friend. I always wish i could spend more time with them. And although we are far away from each other, we still send each other virtual hugs a lot. And that is important to me because i have a complicated relationship with touch. And with her, even though it's still digital hugs, it's still really meaningful that i feel safe around her, not only receiving hugs, but giving hugs. She is one of the only people i do this with, honestly. I've never felt quite comfortable enough to do it with anyone else, even some of my best friends. Im still trying to figure that out, but i know where I am with that at least. This friend is easy to talk to about such boundaries, and they're really respectful and kind and reasonable. It honestly is crazy to me that someone could be so kind and understanding like this. Maybe I'm waiting for something horrible to happen because that's what usually happened in the past.

I just hope that i can find a place where i don't feel so insecure all the time. I know this is an internal issue most of all, my internal voice causing me to doubt my safety and reality. If i could get past that, i think I'd be much happier, and i wouldn't be as worried about falling short or getting rejected or feeling embarrassed. It won't be such a big deal, I'll feel safe enough to fail and pick myself up afterwards. That would be really nice. Unfortunately, right now, everything is a really big deal to me. I'm easily overwhelmed by even the smallest things because I'm scared a small mistake will doom me. I hope one day i can learn to overcome this even better. I'd love to be free from this.

I don't want to only be free from this insecurity for the sake of my friend and their experience in our relationship. I want to conquer this fear and anxiety so i can enjoy my relationships in a genuine and authentic way. I want to feel comfortable and able to talk about my needs and feelings. I want to feel capable of withstanding my emotions, able to feel them, honor them, and let them pass. I want to grow and experience a bit more happiness.

I want to treat myself better. And i suppose that starts with little things like my daily reports. Journaling. This sort of introspection. Rest. Progress, not perfection.

[mlmxreader]

First Meeting | Llewyn Davis

summary; is it sheer coincidence that you meet Llewyn when everything seems to be going to shit?

TRIGGER WARNINGS: self harm, medication.

The rain was soft against the glass as you sat on the windowsill, watching the droplets run down the transparent screen, you did your best to ignore the stinging of your wrists and the blood that was surely soaking through the bandage wrapped around the wounds. The wounds you had inflicted on yourself, the painful reminders that no medication in the world could fix you, no antidepressants could take away from the fact that you deserved to feel pain, you deserved to bleed and to be wounded. Nobody cared about you, and nobody ever would. You were alone, and your life was going to shit.

You frowned, but then something, or rather someone, caught your eye; the flat below you, on the fire escape, was stood a man, smoking a cigarette and desperately trying to keep it dry with a pair of fingerless gloves.

For a moment, you observed him, before deciding to make a bold move, and climbing out of the window, onto your own fire escape, before making your way down.

"You got a spare?" You asked, referring to the cigarette, hoping that his eyes wouldn't catch how your sleeves had a slight bulge to them from the bandages.

He nodded, handing you his packet and lighter before taking a long drag from his cigarette; no doubt he was handsome, bearded and his hair messy, he looked like he had not slept for weeks but he still looked like an absolute dream. He cleared his throat, swallowing thickly. "Llewyn."

You lit a cigarette, giving him the packet and lighter back, taking a quick drag and nodding curtly. "(Y/N)."

Llewyn looked you up and down, humming a little, but shattering your hopes when he looked at your sleeves. "You hidin' somethin'?"

Stuttering and stumbling and falling over your own words, you let out a ragged and shaky breath as you shook your head. "N-no, I just... I'm all bandaged up, I got, uh, I got in an... an accident. Lost a fight with some, some thorn bushes, y'know?"

Raising a brow, Llewyn saw through your lie, but knew better than to push his luck as he scoffed and looked out over the city, the dark grey clouds and the way the rain pitter pattered and how it stuck to his fraying gloves. "Sure... you live upstairs, right?"

"Right," you confirmed, regaining your verbal footing a little bit. "I, uh... I live right above you."

"I don't live here," he corrected quickly. "I'm just crashing."

"My bad..." you mumbled, wincing a little and taking a step back, timid and already cursing yourself; this was why you deserved to carve your own precious skin, you were such an idiot, a fool, a-

"Don't worry about it," Llewyn smiled. "Y'know, I nice bar downtown... we could go, if you want?"

You nodded, smiling but knowing it didn't quite meet your eyes. "S-sure. That sounds great."

note; I haven't seen Inside Llewyn Davis yet, but I figured fuck it, I'd give a go at writing for him 🥺

imma tag @pascalispedro and @maruchansita cause y'all will tell me how shit this turned out lmao

[fly-flower-fanfics]

Crafts and Kisses

Alpha Loki x Omega Male Reader

Warnings: None, I think.

~~~~~~~~~~

Things were different ever since I moved in with everyone into Tony's tower. I got to see my friends more often, and I wasn't as lonely anymore. My depression — although still bad — had decreased significantly. Life seemed to be all around better than ever before.

Bruce was my best friend. He was the one I went to constantly and for everything. He was always reminding me to take my antidepressants and heat suppressants, telling me that it was time for meals, and where I'd last left certain items.

If my head wasn't attached, I'd probably need Bruce to find that, too.

Natasha and Clint were betas, and I found it a bit comical that the only two betas in the building were together. Usually Bruce, the two of them, and I would be at home, cuddled up on the couch watching movies like best friends and couple do.

Lastly, you had Tony, Thor, Steve, and Loki that were the alphas. Tony and Steve butt heads sometimes, but Natasha was able to shut the two of them up almost instantly. Thor was the softest alpha around, literally acting like everyone was apart of his pack. Not going to lie, Thor was the best cuddle buddy when Bruce was shut up in the lab.

Loki, on the other hand, was an alpha that I didn't quite understand. It wasn't because he was an alpha; I wouldn't understand him if he was a beta or omega, either. He was just...odd. I never really interacted with him because he was always sneaking around. He'd stopped being a villain — as much as he could — so he wasn't doing anything wrong. Something was just different about him.

I didn't really think he would like me.

My powers were rather insignificant to everyone else's. All I could do was control electricity: turning on and off lights, appliances, etc. It was, however, good for playing pranks and charging my phone when I forgot to.

Because I was the newest addition to the Stark-Avengers Tower, I wasn't as open with everyone. Bruce knew I was an omega because omegas knew other omegas instantly. The others didn't ask because status was a bit of a sensitive thing. I just knew what everyone else the Tower was because they were so open with one another.

I'd only reached that point with Bruce, and everyone seemed okay with that.

Currently, I was in my room, laying on my bed and listening to my music blare through my headphones. My fingers were dancing to the tune above me, painting a picture with the air around me. I knew I looked silly, but I didn't particularly care at that moment. I was trying to picture what a painting would look like based on this song. And, not to toot my own horn, I was doing a damn fine job at imagining it.

Painting it? Now that was another story.

I was an artist, yes, but I was more into creating things and working with things like papier-mâché and clay. Painting wasn't my strong subject, but I wasn't terrible at it. It was just my ideas seemed to always be a bit too far out of my skill set, and I'd end up with a knock-off version of my idea.

I sat up in bed with the idea perfected in my head. I shoved my phone into the waistband of my boxers and rushed out my room towards the empty room Tony let me claim as an art studio.

On the way, I nearly crashed into both Clint and Thor. The two of them just laughed me off as I shouted an apology, spinning on my heel and waving at them. Whenever I had an idea, I always ran around to try and do it, and everyone knew it. Unfortunately for me, there was one other person I nearly rammed into: Loki.

I quickly apologized, but instead on continuing to run like I had with the others, I was frozen in place.

Why? It's not like I was scared of him or anything. He intently stared down at me; his green eyes felt like the burned straight to my soul. I didn't move, unsure of what the god would do or say. I never really got time to spend with him, and I didn't want to waste it, even if I had an idea.

The one corner of his mouth quirked up in the smallest movement that I had ever seen — barely seen — and he stepped to the side with a small nod of the head. Immediately, I smiled at him, brushed his cheek with my fingers, and went off running down the hall once more.

I never saw Loki as a threat to me, nor did I want to treat him any different than I did anyone else. I knew Tony and Steve treated him like an outsider, and Bruce and Clint were rather wary of him, too, and normally kept their distance. I was touch-feely with everyone, and Loki wasn't going to be spared of it either. At least, he hasn't told me he didn't like it with from our few interactions.

In fact, I don't think I've ever heard him talk at all.

Any thought of Loki and the others left my mind as soon as I reached the door of my makeshift art room. Opening it, I stepped inside and let the door close behind me. My paints were all set up in a corner already along with a clean canvas; I always made sure to do that when I left the room so I didn't need to prep when I had a brand-new idea.

I walked over and sat down by the table, pulling out a bunch of bright colors. After an hour, all I had was a rather beautiful mix of colors that looked like a splatter paint gone wrong. Even though I was disappointed that it was another idea that received a knock-off version, I didn't let it drag me down entirely.

I decided to go move to another kind of project: papier-mâché a mask.

With no set plan in mind, I plopped myself in front of the new table. It only took a few moments to get everything altogether, suit up into an apron, and get to work. I always stained the glue-water mix with a colored stiffener that would make it firmer when it dries. I'd always use clear glue because the white glue looked too much like something else. I made the mistake of using it once, and Tony made sure I never forget it. Clear glue looks like mucus, though, and that's disgusting, too.

I stained it purple today. Not that it mattered, but I liked the soft lilac color. I began placing the strips of newspaper onto a mask mold. It was peaceful enough until I realized one thing missing: my music. Whining, I got up and drug myself to the sink to wash my hands. I stuck my headphones in while I returned to my seat and pressed play.

New songs flooded my ears and motivated me to work. By the time I'd gotten the basic mold down to where I wanted it, I still didn't know what I wanted to make out of it. Then a song popped up that decided it for me: Miss Mysterious by Set It Off.

I knew I'd have to let the mask dry a bit before I'd start cutting into it, but I knew exactly how I wanted it to look. Half a mask, a bit like the Phantom of the Opera's, with a curled horn off to the side. It didn't sound as cool explaining it, but it was beautiful inside my head.

My fingers worked with the slimy mixture and the newspaper to create a thin, curled horn. I'd paint it a dark green, maybe add gold highlights to it or bells. Something like that. Something that would show how beautiful it was, how elegant it would be.

I sang along with the song. I could reach the high notes, and I wasn't the best at singing, but I was good enough that no one complained about my voice. Or at least they never complained to my face. Either way, I sang the song like no one else was in the room simply because there wasn't.

My hands glided over the mask, adding new pieces, creating the horn, and calling myself names when I'd accidentally drip the stuff on the table. I'd always then try and scoop it up in my hand but end up making it worse since my hands were covered in the gluey goop.

I'm sure if someone was outside looking in, I definitely was a sight to see. And I didn't care.

Once my mask was to the point that there was nothing left to do but let it dry, I stood up to go wash my hands. As soon as I turned around, I let out a scream.

"Loki?!"

His eyes lit up, just a bit more than usual, and I could tell he was laughing at me. Then, his lips began to move, but all I could hear was Who Is It by Michael Jackson blaring in my ears. I held up my hands to show him the goop they were currently covered in.

"Lemme wash my hands, and don't you dare leave, or I'll dip my hands back in it, find you, and touch you." I was sure I was speaking rather loudly because I could hear myself over my music.

I barely caught Loki's glare, and I smirked to myself. There was a fifty-fifty chance he'd actually leave, which meant there was a fifty-fifty chance I'd get to chase him with goopy hands. I washed my hands in the sink, making sure I got rid of all of it because it did stay a bit sticky when it remained on my hands.

I was equally surprised and disappointed to see Loki still standing there once I turned around. I removed my headphones from my ears, draped them around my neck, and gave Loki a slight bow while twirling my hand.

"You may speak now, my lord."

I heard the god snort. It was very soft, almost like a sharp inhale when one would be sick. His lips twitched slightly as I straightened up, but other than that, his face remained stoic. I knew that I was able to pull emotion from him, but I didn't understand why he tried to hide it.

Was it something I did? Something I said? Maybe it's just the way I am. Had I offended him in some way without realizing it?

His chuckle broke my train of thought. I blinked and saw the small smile on his face.  I don't think I've ever seen him smile before. Even though it was hardly a smile, it caused me to smile.

"Are you always this energized, Y/N?"

His voice made me freeze. He knew my name. Well, duh. Of course he knew my name. I did live in the same building with the man. Oh god, I'm being stupid. What the hell? This isn't that big of a deal.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah. It runs in my genes, I guess," I answered, wanting to slap myself. I couldn't have replied in a more dumbass way. Conversation was never my strong point.

Another smile tugged the edge of his lips. "Of course."

"Can-can I help you with anything?" I asked, scratching the back of my neck nervously before turning on my heel to replace the paints and canvas. "Not that I don't enjoy your company, it's just strange that you're here in my studio. Especially since we haven't really talked the much."

How long had he been there? The thought hit my like a punch in the stomach and made me hesitate for a moment. I'd finished my mask and turned to see him. He couldn't have been there that long, right? Art is boring to watch to most, and I'd assume that watching me papier-mâché was not on his list of 'fascinating things to do today.'

"Just stopping by."

God, I hated his answers. I mimicked him in my facial expressions while my back was turned to him. Couldn't he give me more solid answers? I cleaned out my brushes in the sink and glanced towards him.

"Why?"

He seemed caught off guard by my question, but it was perfectly reasonable considering our past — or lack there of. Instead of an answer, when Loki regained his composure, all I received was a shrug.

"Did you want something?" I asked, trying to hide my nervousness now. I went to the closet to grab a new canvas, tucking my lip between my teeth. There was a chair within reach of my foot, so I pulled it closer to me with the top of my toes and stood on it to grab a new canvas.

Did he want something? Did I accidentally take something of his? It happened sometimes since I was usually so scatterbrained. I tried to scan my brain of the items I'd last had in my possession, but all that I could think of was my paints and some newspaper.

"Oh, my dear omega."

I nearly slipped off the chair when the words left Loki's lips. The canvas did fall from my hands and clatter to the floor, and I dove after it, picking it up. How did he know that? Bruce wouldn't snitch on me, I knew that.

"You reek of anxiety," the god continued. "You seem to forget that my senses are heightened over your Midgardian senses. No matter what you use to mask your natural scent, I can see right through it."

I walked my now slightly dusty canvas over to the table and laid it down. Did that mean Thor knew, too? If Loki did, then Thor had to. Bless them both for not saying anything. I proceeded to busy myself by making sure every little dust particle was off of the canvas. The lights dimmed slightly for a moment as my anxiety increased.

He's here to make fun of me.

Loki never thought highly of omegas or betas, for the matter. That was clear to me. Loki only ever seemed to respect other alphas that were able to take him size him up for a good fight for dominance. I always assumed that he and Tony would eventually get together, no matter how much the two currently avoided one another.

Clearing my throat, I straighten up and hung up the apron I had been wearing. Finally, after what simultaneously felt like centuries and mere seconds, I turned to face the prankster once again. My fingers were tingling, and I knew that just once more word might cause me to blow all the bulbs in my studio.

Tony never got mad at me for it because really, what was a few light bulbs to a millionaire? But I've been trying to learn how to control my powers in moments of high and nearly uncontrollable emotions.

"You didn't answer my question," I replied, letting a smile form on my lips. It wasn't nearly as large as my normal smile, but I wanted my normal persona back.

"Bruce is sick," he replied. I knew that. Bruce had gotten ill yesterday, and I told him I'd go see him later, no matter how much he protested. "Can't seem to get it if bed right now." A look of disgust floated over the God's beautiful features. "So I brought these for you since it seems you've forgotten them."

Loki held out a small, silver package towards me, and I recognized it instantly. My heat suppressants. Now that I was thinking back again, I couldn't remember the last time I'd taken them. A dark blush heated my cheeks, but Loki didn't seem phased by it whatsoever.

"We don't want you going into an early heat." I wanted to die at the words he was saying. Did he not understand how embarrassed I already was? I noticed the lights dangerously flicking as I took the package from him. I saw Loki's eyes glance up towards them before I turned to grab a bottle of water from the small refrigerator I kept in the back.

"How do you hide your heats?"

I nearly choked on the pill and water, but managed to get it to stay down. While I was able to save that, the light bulbs weren't so lucky. They popped, drowning the room in darkness that was almost pitch black. "Oh, dear. I do seemed to have caused some discomfort."

I wanted to punch Loki in his stupid, pretty face. I was a mixture of embarrassed and angry because he had no right to do this. Who was he to come stomping up into my safe haven and talk about my heats and being an omega? Then he plays it off like a joke? The nerve of the motherfucker.

Since I knew the room like the back of my hands, I had no issues navigating to the one corner of my room. I leaned my head against the wall and breathed out a sigh. I wanted to unlive the last ten minutes of my life and leave before Loki had ever entered.

"Y/N?"

Damn his voice.

Silence was my reply.

"Y/N, don't make me ask again.

Even though he wasn't my alpha, I found myself turning toward him before cursing and facing the wall again. Calm down. Count to ten.

"Y/N, please."

"What?" I hissed out before turning to face him. I didn't want to deal with this right now, but the two of us were stuck in here until Tony would manually unlock the door since that, too, was powered by electricity. I couldn't do anything because, more likely, I blew the fuse connecting all of that.

"It's not that big of a deal."

"Says you," I growled. I didn't like people finding out things about me without my permission. It was weird, I know, but I didn't like when people knew things that I didn't tell them. "No one hates you for being an alpha."

"And no one would hate you for being an omega."

I didn't reply this time. He was pissing me off, but I tried to calm down. I guess it wasn't that big of a deal... It still really bothered me though. Taking a deep breath, I tugged my hair, and then let it out slowly.

"I'm not ready to admit it, okay?" My parents had been very disappointed in me for being an omega and a gay one at that. Their only son was into other men and the weakest on the totem pole. Whether society really frowned upon omegas or not, in my mind, they did. Everyone did, and I was scared to admit it. Bruce didn't even know why I didn't tell people that I was an omega.

"And you of all people!" I nearly spat at him as I whirled around. "You're the one that would hate me for being an omega. I know the way you talk about them. God, can't even believe you can stand to look at me." I ground my teeth together.

This was way out of my comfort zone and personality. Hot tears streamed down my cheeks, causing me to curse aloud. I hated crying when I was angry.

I jumped when a hand fell on my shoulder, nearly decking Loki in the face. Was that really necessary?

Even in the darkness, I swore his green eyes were he only things that I could see perfectly clear.

"Calm down," he whispered to me softly, pulling me into a hug.

The coolness of his body helped my anxiety and the way he pet my hair caused me to let my guard down.

"Just listen to me," Loki continued. I was about to speak up, realizing what was going on, but Loki quickly shut that down. "You may not speak, do you understand?"

I closed my eyes and nodded against his chest. He's not my alpha, what the fuck am I doing?

"My omega, I kept my distance so I could keep watch on you. I kept my distance so I could se show others were interested in you. It also had come to my attention that you were into my brother." I could hear the jealousy laced in with his words.

The faint scent of possession filled my senses.

"I want you all to my own."

My knees felt weak at his words, and I found myself kneeling at his feet. As much as I had tried to push the feelings away, Loki was always the alpha I had wanted. He was off, odd, and different. Something about him always made my heart race.

I closed my eyes as I felt Loki's hand settle on my head. I rested my head against his thigh, closing my eyes. The amount of submission I felt was incredible, and I was incredibly embarrassed. Yet I didn't fight it as much as I normally would have.

"I didn't want you to hate me," I breathed out, hoping that he wouldn't hear my words.

"I would never." He backed away and knelt down to my level, sitting on the floor and pulling me between his legs. "I only ever wanted the best for my omega."

"You want me to be yours?" I asked softly.

I felt Loki's lips press against my skin at the base of my neck, near the place where he would mark me and claim me as his. "Yes."

I closed my eyes, letting myself enjoy the feeling of his cool lips against my skin. "Loki...I-I just... I don't wanna jump right in... I want you, but I want a relationship, too..."

"Then a relationship we shall form," he promised, tilting my head back to kiss my lips.

[kharmii]

Why The Kharmii Is Not Good Candidate For Workplace Shooter

In the next installment of the ongoing saga of dealing with the scum of the earth in the workplace, they are hurraderking that I might be a danger of becoming a workplace shooter, just because I lost my temper one day. This goes along with what I detailed in a past post about being forced to uphold an impossible standard of perfection due to having a minor disability. I'm not allowed to make minor mistakes, have bad days, etc. I'm supposed to be Saint Kharmii: Patron Saint of Long-Sufferedness. Anyway, here's my breakdown of reasons I wouldn't be capable of violence:

1.) I'm not on psychotropic drugs: The reason mass-shootings have increased in numbers since the 70s and 80s is because more and more people are taking antidepressants (it might also explain the increase in autistic kids, but that's controversial). It's like my mom always says...it's okay to be sad. I've lost family members close to me, but I went through the grieving process the usual way without medical aid.

2.) My PTSD is under control: I've been on-and-off harassed for twenty years, and the Stalker Guy has been a problem for seven. I have major stress in my life dealing with extended family drama....but I just deal with it. That's part of being an adult. Life isn't going to always be perfect. Stalker Guy has backed off enough that I made the decision I'll just wait him out until that couple of years goes by and he can retire. -So what if he leaves anonymous gifts in my mailbox for Christmas and my B-Day? It's not worth getting a guy fired a few years before retirement, plus if I did, I'd be the one harangued as the 'drama causing hoochie who got a guy fired for nothing', because it's not like he threatened to kill me. *sigh*

3.) I'm not in the demographic of people likely to commit violent acts: Remember Criminal Minds? The profiler would always say the unsub is likely to be 'a middle-aged male who has never been married'. That would actually be half the guys I work with. In fact, I'm positive that at least two of them are secret serial killers and probably have dead hookers buried in their crawl spaces. NO JOKE.

4.) One of the accusers is a leftist: Encountering a leftist is like coming upon a viper or poisonous black widow spider. Once you identify what it is and where it hides, it's best to give that rock it's oozing under a wide berth. That lying leftist liar can sneak around, sniveling and trembling in mock fear all she wants over the Big Bad Kharmii, but I have no intention of going anywhere near her or even looking in her direction.

5.) I'm in the demographic of people have violence perpetrated against them: Well, technically, trans fem people are the ones who are likely to both suffer violence and commit violent acts. Trans masc people are fairly quiet, but there's something in that I've been harassed by dirtbags for literally decades, plus openly stalked and had people treat the stalking like a joke. There's def that. Like I said before, this has been going on for so long that I've learned to live with it. I shouldn't have to, but it is what it is. I'm not likely to snap and go off the rails at this point. If it hasn't happened by now, it won't.

6.) I lead a fulfilling life: I have four kids and a huge extended family. The reason I got married and started a family is so I can work to live but not live to work. That makes the accusations even more dirtbaggy, that they'd believe I'd be capable of throwing all that away for the likes of the most worthless people on earth. Besides, I know I just have to wait them out, and they'll destroy themselves. It's like that Sun Tzu Quote: “If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by.” Remember that obnoxious whore everyone thought was cute? She quit over man drama. -That smarmy neckbeard who sneered at me? He quit to shack up with some casino boss broad who has no intention of marrying him, and who could throw him out any time.

Side note: Even the Stalker Guy has a fulfilling life compared to the other incels in the workplace. He has more friends than all of them put together, and he is always doing stuff with his Sierra Club type group....camping, hiking, playing bridge, partying on holidays, etc etc. He doesn't need me to be happy, any more than I need him. It's just that he got it in his head at one point that I was to be the person he married and brought home to his mom before she died of old age. The losers have also made jokes about his potential to be a workplace shooter, but I doubt he even thinks of any of them the moment he exits the building.

7.) I have outlets to vent: Posting Gallade and Gardevoir is my fulfilling intarweb life that keeps me out of trouble online. I no longer get into useless trolling matches with left wing SJWs and alt-right incels. That doesn't mean that I don't still have reason to let loose and complain. It's a stereotype that 'quiet ones' shoot up the place. I'm not quiet. I let the dirtbags around me know that I'm not fooled by them, and just because I'm stuck in close quarters with them, I'm not their friend. Sure, I'll be polite and make an effort to be civil, but I'm not a dog who gets kicked and still acts happy to see the abusers with tail wagging.

8.) It's OKAY to hold unpopular opinions!: We don't live under the tyranny of the majority. Just because most people in my workplace are okay with having a pervasive toxic dirtbag party culture permeating the office, doesn't mean I'm wrong to point it out. Just because it's mostly me and one other guy taking the brunt of harassment, out of, say, fifty employees, doesn't mean we're wrong for standing up for ourselves. It doesn't help that I'm not particularly valuable in the context of the bottom line. I'm on FMLA for my daughter's disability, so they can't force me to come in on my days off. The harassers with no families are more valuable in that 'work family' context. It would benefit them to be able to get rid of me by labeling me a threat, but I'm not actually guilty of anything besides challenging a toxic micro culture.

9.) BONUS: I'm throwing this in to be a goof. The 4Channers have a conspiracy theory that workplace shooters are MK Ultra experiments who have been hypnotized by FBI agents to distract from major political events going down....to redirect the attention and outrage. According to the usual bullshit, there should have been one after the Biden Infrastructure Bill passed. Uh Oh...even if I had FBI agents visiting my house and hypnotizing me, the window to act is over. Maybe next time.

10.) BONUS: Another goof. Ammo is precious and scarce, and we might be in for a super King Kong maya-maya recession because of Said infrastructure bill. If I'm wasting ammo to shoot something, then I'd better be eating it. If we go through the Zombie Apocalypse where I'm forced to shoot a human in self-defense, then I'm butchering them and filling my freezer. If it comes down to a choice between eating the bugs or eating the people, then people supposedly taste a lot like pork. Yum. ;-D