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Reading Dracula. When does she show up?

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Mark the electrician has been here for five minutes and he’s already said “well that’s…weird” twice from the other room and frankly I’m afraid to ask.

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You can spam boop me!

reblog if you let people spam boop you

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Ao3 authors are absolutely insane. Hey girlie this fic you posted changed my life and i no longer understand what the world means to me

Lots of love <3 but yall are scary sometimes

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crazy how fanfic authors drop the most beautiful and gorgeous pieces of work ever, leaving you speechless and sobbing at three in the morning as you quietly contemplate the masterpiece you just read

and they don’t get paid for it they just do it because they’re having fun and they want to share their joy with you

like I would literally die for all of you fanfic authors out there reblog to swear your allegiance to fanfic authors

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love the idea of the Batfamily getting stopped and searched in the family car on the way back to the Manor and everyone’s tense expecting Jason to be the one packing like twelve guns but it’s Alfred? Alfred is absolutely unbelievably strapped up to high heaven? And he somehow manages to talk to the cops out of arresting him or even giving him a ticket?

Bruce is just standing on the side of the road pinching the bridge of his nose. Jason is grinning so widely his face is about to rip. Alfred’s guns are all sitting on the hood of the car and there’s at least three there that Bruce remembers taking away and destroying. Dick is taking pictures on his phone to send to Barbara and trying not to laugh. Tim has Kon on speaker narrating it…

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Headcanon that when Duke becomes comfortable with the family he instantly starts pulling the Black Card to win an argument.

The first time it happens is when Batman asks him to stay late in the cave to go over some reports but Duke is tired Damnit and B isn't listening to his protests so he pulls his best sad face and asks "Is it because I'm Black?" When Bruce says that Duke can't ask his siblings to cover for him. Cue the biggest panic that any of them have seen in a long time as Batman switches to Bruce and starts assuring him and telling Duke to go relax.

From there Duke has realised he's gotten a get out of jail free card that he uses carefully (Re: to get out of a gala early, to get his favourite food for dinner a couple of times.)

Using it on his siblings only works once or twice before they start on the orphan card that rarely works as they're all orphaned one way or another.

One time he used it on a villain and they almost instantly stopped beating him up to protest the accused racism.

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Bruce: who are you? A new crime lord?

Jason: *takes off his helmet*

Bruce: *squints suspiciously* a new crime lord who looks like a grown up version of my dead son?

Jason: *sighs in annoyance and forces a bright smile*

Bruce: JASON THE NEW CRIME LORD???

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Vicki Vale: Mr. Wayne are you Batman?

Bruce Wayne: What is a “Bat man?”

—

Vicki Vale: Mr. Drake are you Red Robin?

Tim Drake: Like the restaurant?

—

Vicki Vale: So Cassandra, are you Orphan?

Cassandra Cain: No I’m not an orphan. I have a dad.

—

Vicki Vale: Mr. Thomas are you Signal?

Duke Thomas: Am I what?

Vicki Vale: Are you the Bat Signal?

Duke Thomas: That is the stupidest question I’ve ever been asked.

—

Vicki Vale: Damian, are you Robin?

Damian Wayne: Tt, I am not a bird. Are you well, Ms. Vale? I’m concerned for your mental state.

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thinking about the expert masseuse Alfred hired for the family that is paid a small fortune annually to provide massage services and ignore so, so many things. No questions, no remarks, just quality service and an ironclad NDA that, if broken, would probably topple said masseuse’s entire family line.

Things Alfred is paying them to ignore, in no specific order:

Bruce’s spinal hardware courtesy of Bane :)

weird amounts of muscle on everyone, even the kids (despite them allegedly not working physical jobs)

scars

FRESH scars

the fact that every joint in Bruce’s body clicks when moved/manipulated at the tender age of 42

Olympic athlete level physiques

rotator cuff injuries across the whole family

scars that are definitely from bullets and/or acid splashes

old signs of what looks like torture (Bruce)

Dick’s entire left arm is basically screws and plates (he “fell really bad” once)

every single family member takes deep tissue massage with max pressure with 0 complaints

calluses

no really, the weirdest fucking calluses

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todays straight character of the day is: nobody

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Headcanon that early on in Dick's tenure as Robin, Batman gets seriously injured during patrol one night. Not enough that his life is in danger, but like, enough that he's unconscious and needs medical attention.

And after he gets him squared away, Jim Gordon sees a small, masked child covered in someone else's blood, and then his Dad (tm) instincts kick in, and he refuses to let Robin go to wherever he calls home alone. So he just... takes him back to his home.

And this can go two directions. Either

Barbara, not Batgirl yet, wakes up when her father comes home and sees a boy slightly younger than her, covered in blood, and befriends him, for sure freaking out her father but also making him incredibly worried about Robin and if he has any other friends or not.

or

Barbara, fully Batgirl, but not on patrol that night because she had a test that next day, wakes up when her father comes home, and comes face to face with her best friend in his masked alter ego, and they both have to pretend that they don't know each other for like two days, meanwhile Dick's sweating because like Holy shit, I've had sleepovers here before, whatever you do, don't act like Dick Grayson.

Either way it ends with Dick, mask still firmly in place but wearing Barbara's pajamas, and Babs fully passed out on the ground around a game of monopoly when Batman finally comes to collect his sidekick.

This experience would also make Jim Gordon even more terrified for Robin on a daily basis because before, he was sort of a shadowy, cryptic force that followed Batman around, but now Jim knows that he's just a little boy, smaller than his own daughter, that likes the same games and cartoons that Babs does, and I'm not sure he'd be able to handle that.

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Since the batkids are so well introduced to their lovely older brother, and they work closely with kids/younger heroes on occasion, many of the Batfam have learned to substitute a certain curse word for names. A name, to be precise-

Red Robin: dang it Hood! Stop undermining me! Red Hood: I’m not! You just have bad plans. Red Robin: gods you're such a Richard ~ Robin: *says something pouty* Batman: theres no need to be Richardy about it Robin.  ~ Spoiler: hey Oracle, you find it yet? Oracle: hold on I’m looking Spoiler: hurry up, I’m about to lose him Oracle: spoil stop that's not helping  Orphan: *signing* yeah you're being a richard, shes trying ~ Red Hood: hey richardhead, nice going, you lost me my goons Nightwing: fuck off

Dick of course, is most insulted by this, but habits rub off, so…

Nightwing: I had it under control Batman. No need for your interference Batman: ah yes. My favorite, losing a fight=under control. I forget Nightwing: okay no need to be a Richard about it Batman: *grins* Nightwing: OOOH I hate all of you

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there is no reason i should be running into Nightwing at 3pm… like what part of NIGHT don’t you understand

“i was saving you from an armed mugger,” yeah at 3:25pm thanks Afternoonwing

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Jason decides not to go batshit insane on Tim and instead starts subtly and occasionally trying to kill him.

Tim, tired: I’m hungry…make me food? It tastes special when you make it…

Jason, who as been adding poison to his food for the past week: that’s because I make it with love <3