#nothing too substantial with that observation just something interesting and funny to think about

[electric-eulogy]

Not really spawned from anything in particular, but I see people mentioning things about a digital footprint all the time and how the internet is so permanent… Funny to think that it's really not…

This is just based off of personal observation and experience, but I think the idea of "digital permanence" is only really... a thing at all when you're popular enough in some online sphere to warrant it.

Sure, your offhand post about something weird that you delete in 10 minutes might get screenshotted and spread around anyway, but the chances are, unless you have a bigger following online or you somehow manage to spark some kind of infamy/fame with whatever you just posted, it won't. Or unless you're primarily active in an extremely small and niche online community where everyone knows everyone like it's some small, tight-knit rural town.

Especially when looking through the lens of lost media and the like... So many things that have happened online have just been lost. Just like that. Poof. Gone. Nothing.

Even though said thing existed online, in the space, at one point, it doesn't anymore. Not in any way that people can easily find, if at all anyway... In other words: at least, it's extremely hard to find anything substantial or complete.

It's good to be critical about what you put online because, again, you never know. But it's also good to realize that every single interaction online isn't going to automatically be carved into the annals of your personal, searchable history forever. The internet itself is far too big to entertain something like that for every user that exists on it.

Anyway... small thoughts. I think about things like this a lot because I like to do lost media recovery with things that interest me when I can (like for specific video games/music).

[minimitchell]

callumhighwayweek day 4 - “you’re not jealous, are you?” (ao3 link)

.

Callum likes working at ‘Roasted’. It’s a nice enough job, the pay is better than with most student jobs around here and he meets lots of interesting people. Granted, a lot of them are kind of snobby and definitely a lot more of the hipster variety than what he’s used to, coming from the East End and all, but it is a fun job.

And it’s not like he’s going to be here forever.

He started working at the coffee shop in his second year of Uni, having seen their job listing for a barista on Instagram of all places. It’s pretty on par for the shop though. The owners, an older, alternative couple he’s only met a handful of times, are living in Bali for the better part of the year and the coffee shop is mostly being managed by their daughter. She’s laid back and funny and a really great boss.

And Callum has learned a lot in the last year and a half he’s been working here. He’d only done bar work in the past, pulling pints and washing dirty glasses, but he genuinely likes being a barista. He feels good whenever he remembers an order from someone who comes in regularly, he likes seeing their faces when they discover some new latte art he practiced and he doesn’t even mind serving teen girls for the sole purpose of them taking a picture with their names on their cups afterwards.

He likes it because he likes making people feel good, even if it’s just with a coffee, and he likes putting a little smile on their faces - and it also doesn’t hurt that he gets free drinks and free cake samples all day long.

“And a wonderful day to my favorite colleague as well.”

Oh yeah, there’s also Ben.

Ben had started two months before Callum even got the job here but by the time Callum had completed his training, Ben was already working like a seasoned pro.

He’s also in his last year at Uni, but he’s in a completely different department than Callum is. He’s a business major, spending most of his time across campus from Callum, who’s studying social work. On paper, they shouldn’t really get along considering their wildly different interests and plans for their future jobs, but they immediately clicked.

At one point during a quiet shift they got talking about their aspirations and Ben had told him he’s planning to take over his dad’s businesses when he’s done with Uni and maybe even expand them further. Callum thinks Ben can easily do that; he’s dead smart.

He’s also devastatingly handsome, as Callum noticed the very first time they met. Ben has these captivating blue eyes and an easy, welcoming smirk on his face at all times. He’s definitely a people person, able to make easy chit chat with just about anyone that comes in. He has this aura of confidence and assurance around him but it doesn’t make him come across as arrogant, not at all.

They spend most of their shifts together talking or teasing one another when they aren’t swamped with work. Ben likes to try almost every cake they’re offering that day, feeding little bites to Callum when he deems it ‘worthy enough for him’ and Callum likes to use Ben as a guinea pig for his latte art, trying out new designs or perfecting his existing one’s.

And when business is slow or when they’re about ready to close up in the evening, they get to talk with one another. What started with them talking about their degrees and course work quickly moved onto deeper and more substantial topics. 

Callum talks about being the first person in his family to go to Uni and the pressure he feels on himself because of that. He tells Ben about his desire to make a difference in the world, to help children who come from the same rough parts as himself. Ben on the other hand talks about his family a lot, about the need to prove himself in a big family you otherwise get lost in, about the feeling that he needs to compensate for his dad’s disapproval.

Disapproval stemming from the fact that he’s gay.

Yeah, he told Callum about that as well. It was a small revelation to him and Callum couldn’t help but tell him it’s the same for him. It feels like a new, deeper, level to their friendship.

It’s also the full source of Callum’s misery.

Because before this revelation, Callum could accept that the little infatuation he’s developed for Ben was entirely for nought. He was under no impression that this crush was ever going to be reciprocated because, to be completely honest, Callum had just assumed that Ben’s straight.

But since he knows that this isn’t the case at all, it almost feels like his crush has doubled or tripled in size; like maybe it has grown even more because there’s now this tiny, traitorous voice whispering that there might be a chance for them. Assuming he’d ever actually have the courage to ask Ben out.

He hasn’t so far; every time he even thinks about asking Ben to go out with him he chickens out in the end, afraid that Ben will laugh at him. Or even worse, that he’ll never want to work with him ever again. Because while he does like working here, he likes it even better when he’s working alongside Ben.

“How did your exam go?”

Ben joins him behind the counter, going to wash his hands before he starts taking over for Callum behind the till. He’s wearing a black polo underneath his burgundy apron and his hair is nicely tousled; Callum is itching to run his hands through it.

“Aced it. Hopefully.”

He pulls a face, trying to play it cool even though they both know Ben understands Advanced Marketing better than most people in his course. Callum didn’t expect anything less than an ace from Ben.

“‘Course you did.”

Ben sends him a wink, strolling over to the display counter and observing what they have on offer today. There’s a fresh carrot cake there Callum’s dying to share with Ben later. He steps next to Callum behind the till, logging in with his cashier number once Callum signs off and the way he rests his hand on Callum’s lower back while doing so, makes his heart throb in his chest, hammering all the way up into his throat.

Maybe today is the day he finally has the guts to ask Ben out on a date.

The shop gets busy shortly after Ben gets here and they don’t even really have time to get a breath in-between all the coffee and cake orders they have to prepare. It’s a fairly small shop and only two people are always scheduled to work on weekdays so they’re busy until the midday and after-work rushes are over.

Callum saves the last piece of carrot cake for Ben - even though their manager always yells at them for not giving everything to the paying customers - and Callum is just about to get it from the stock room to surprise Ben with it when this guy leans on the counter in front of the till.

He’s seen him before a couple times - tall caramel latte, Callum thinks. He doesn’t look much older than him and Ben, probably a fellow student, and Callum doesn’t like him for the sole reason that he always flirts with Ben when he comes in, trying to make him laugh or smile bashfully at the ground.

Callum hates even more that it works most of the time.

It’s no different this time. The guy says something that makes Ben laugh, making a show of dropping a five pound note into their tip jar after he’s paid just so Ben can see him do it and leers after him when Ben goes to make the drink for him.

He leaves with a wink in Ben’s direction afterwards and Callum eats the whole piece of carrot cake by himself in the stock room as some weird form of silent protest.

.

They don’t always work together.

Ben has a lot of afternoon classes and works late or mornings, whereas Callum is almost exclusively at Uni in the mornings and comes into work afterwards. So yeah, sometimes their shifts don’t line up. And then some other times, it’s just bad luck.

Callum tries not to sulk when he hears that Ben called in sick today. He knows it’s probably nothing too bad but they’re advised to stay home at any possible sign of illness regardless, for hygienic reasons and all that.

He likes working with Keegan, who came in for Ben today, as well but he was really looking forward to seeing Ben.

It sounds dramatic but the day drags on and on without Ben here, cracking jokes and making Callum weird drink combinations to try. Callum thinks it can’t get any worse but at close to five a very familiar face walks through the door.

It’s the guy who always flirts with Ben and Callum watches from behind the counter as he scans the area, looking around to see if he can spot Ben presumably. Callum almost feels bad for the devilish glee coursing through him at the knowledge that he won’t be successful today.

“Hi, what can I get you?”

Callum is trying hard to stay composed and give at least the impression that he’s being friendly. The guy gives him a barely-there smile, obviously not very interested in making a good impression on anyone other than Ben.

“I was wondering if Ben is working today?”

“Sorry, I can’t give out that kind of information.”

He tries not to revel in the eye roll the guy gives him but it’s hard not to. Yes, it’s incredibly petty but Callum can’t help it, he’d rather work the morning shift every day for a whole month than see Ben go out with this cocky prick.

The guy heaves a sigh and gives his order - one tall caramel latte just like Callum thought it was - and Callum punches it in for Keegan to prepare. Callum tells the guy his total and waits until he presses his card against the reader, nodding when the transaction goes through.

Callum thinks he’s about to put money in the tip jar but instead, the guy fishes a white business card out of his trouser pocket and slides it across the counter towards Callum.

“Can you give this to Ben? My number is on the back.”

He doesn’t wait for Callum to take it or even agree, moving along the counter to get his drink from Keegan. Callum tries not to openly show his annoyance at the bloke, grabbing the card and stuffing it into the pocket of his apron.

Over the next few hours he forgets all about the little piece of paper still hiding in the fabric of his apron. He’s cleaning the appliances, waiting for Keegan to be done with mopping the floor so they can close up for the day, when he realizes the business card is still in his possession.

He pulls it out of his pocket, looking at the bland text written across it in bold letters. Which student even carries a business card around with them? Even his name is obnoxious - Tristan, ugh. He doesn’t even feel bad when he, completely accidentally of course, lets the card fall, watching it sink to the bottom of the trash bag and getting covered by the old coffee grounds a moment later.

Oops.

.

Callum forgets all about Tristan and his stupid little business card, mostly because his next two shifts are spend with Ben again. To be completely honest, Callum could probably forget anything else around him exists whenever he’s in a room with Ben; it’s gotten that bad for him.

He’s completely determined to ask Ben out today, spurred on by the all of a sudden very real chance that someone else might get there before he can, and he doesn’t want to risk that. He’s been in love with the guy for close to a year now, he won’t waste another day.

Callum is in the back room, restocking the cups and lids before the evening rush begins when he hears Ben laughing at something behind the counter. He pokes his head through the door to see what’s so funny, but he doesn’t feel like laughing at all when he sees bloody Tristan standing there, arrogantly smiling at Ben.

He’s too busy seething at the fact he probably missed his chance with Ben now, can already see Ben accepting the number and going on dates and probably falling head over heels for this stupid guy, to remember he chucked the guy’s number in the bin. The one, he’s apparently asking about judging by Ben’s confused face and slight head tilt.

The distance between the stock room and the till is too great to make out any coherent words so he doesn’t know what Ben is saying in return, but it’s pretty clear this Tristan guy will throw him under the bus any moment now. God, how is he going to explain this to Ben when he inevitably asks why Callum didn’t forward the guy’s number? This is so not how he wanted this to go today; he could cry at the thought alone.

Ben turns his head to look in his direction and Callum has to duck back into the room in a flash, praying that Ben didn’t see him spying on his conversation just now.

He isn’t exactly proud of hiding in here afterwards, waiting for Tristan to leave and just staring at the different sized lids and brown paper cups with their logo emblazoned on the side. It’s definitely the most cowardly thing to do but Callum honestly feels like crying right now. He can’t bear to hear the guy he’s so stupidly in love with talk about going out with someone else; he just can’t do it.

It hurts knowing he’s never going to get the chance to make Ben see how perfect they could be for each other. Because he just knows he could make him so, so happy; Callum’s sure of that. He feels it deep in his chest, right where his heart is slowly twisting and turning.

“So, uh, you got something you wanna give me?”

The sudden shock at hearing Ben’s voice right behind him makes Callum flail his arms around, knocking over a whole stack of lids and sending them cluttering to the ground right in front of Ben’s shoes. He doesn’t really know what to say, whether he should admit he’s thrown the number away in a fit of pure jealousy or not, and the conflict must show on his face because Ben immediately takes pity on him.

“I told him we hadn’t seen each other since then so you didn’t have the chance to give it to me.”

“Thanks.”

The ground seems much more interesting to him than Ben’s expectant face right now and he’s scuffing his shoe along one of the many stains littering the light grey linoleum. Ben tries to catch his eyes, leaning down to enter Callum’s eyesight.

“Are you gonna tell me why you didn’t?”

Callum remains silent, only giving Ben a slight shrug in response to his question. Ben waits him out though, leaning against the doorframe until Callum finally sighs and meets Ben’s eyes. Time to get it out, he reckons.

He’s about to confess, to lay his feelings bare, when Ben preempts him.

“You’re not jealous, are you?”

His voice is light and joking but there’s an undertone to it. Something that sounds almost daring and hopeful; like the prospect of Callum being jealous of someone wanting to ask him out doesn’t annoy Ben but that he’s actually maybe hoping it’s true.

The thought makes Callum pause, taking in the slight smile on Ben’s face and the bright sparkle in his eyes. It makes him brave enough to finally admit his feelings, to finally take that plunge into the unknown, uncertain.

“I was working up the courage to ask you out for weeks now, months even.”

Ben’s smile stretches out across his face, transforming his face into something even more beautiful than normal. He takes a step towards Callum, tangling his hands around the straps of Callum’s apron, pulling him further into his own body.

“So ask me.”

Ben is smiling up at him, his fingers running up and down the skin underneath the straps and he feels the touch burn through his shirt. He looks loved up for lack of a better term and Callum has the brief thought that they could’ve spent so much time being with each other already, but it doesn’t really matter now. They got there anyway.

“Will you go on a date with me?”

“Yeah. Definitely.”

Ben pulls him down against him, sealing their lips together in a careful kiss. It’s the most perfect thing Callum’s ever tasted, ever felt in his entire life. His hands settle on both sides of Ben’s face, guiding him back onto his lips again and again and again. Until their lips are red and puffy and customers are yelling to be served.

They get fired two weeks later for spending a little too much time in the stock room. 

It’s worth it.

[aqvarius]

[WALKTHROUGH + REVIEW + CG] Romance MD: Tetsuya Hosho

This review is coming in a whole month late because life got in the way of my happiness and general enjoyment lol. When I started writing this, there was still a heart sale on and there was no time limit for reading Hosho’s route PLUS the Collector’s Edition was available! So the value of this review is significantly less than it should have been but sadly life has just been so busy. Hopefully this is still helpful.

Expectations:

I was both more excited for, and afraid of, Hosho’s route. I was certainly more excited than I was for Takado’s route. But I was also afraid that Hosho was going to be So Dark like proper haraguro and this Dr. MC would just get sucked into his darkness and fall in love because of Stockholm Syndrome. I don’t really know if I have anyone that I would compare him to just based on first impression - Maybe Ryoichi from Seduced in the Sleepless City? In general I’m a bit wary of the super flirty and/or princely guys cause they’re always the type that don’t take love seriously and just mess around because they’re ToO aFrAiD tO tRuSt PeOpLe and they’ll treat you like garbage and you just have to deal with all their shit with unconditional tolerance because you’re in love. (Shinobu Narita… my nemesis… will I ever get to a point where I stop mentioning this…? Probably not.)

So basically I was eager to try Hosho but I also went into his route with a heap of trepidation.  If you’ve read my Takado review, you may also know that I’m not a huge fan of RMD’s Dr. MC. Was she any better in this route? Let’s see…

Click below to read the full review, plus walkthrough and CGs

Reality:

This route both exceeded my expectations in terms of plot but also let me down a little bit in terms of the relationship. Let’s start with Dr. MC. Hosho’s MC is fine… maybe I’m just being extra biased because I don’t like her sprite lmao #shallow. I do find her substantially more likeable than Takado’s MC who I personally don’t really like. I like that she actually acknowledges her feelings and actually… has… feelings lol, although something I don’t like about Dr. MC is that she’s not very introspective. I feel like other Voltage MCs tend to have a better grip on their emotions and what it is they’re feeling but Dr. MC is a bit like… omg WHAT??? I’m in LOVE???? They do refer to her as a robot at times which I kind of agree with lol, and I tend to prefer my MCs to be human. Also, I’m so confused by the reports that she writes. Aren’t they factual reports? When I write notes at conferences, I just write about people’s papers… I’ve never in my life written a report on my supervisors’ personal lives, nor would I show them to anyone if I did, and certainly not to the department head!!

Dr. MC is better about acknowledging her feelings and accepting her love for him in Hosho’s route though, I will admit, but it’s just my personal preference to like sweet MCs. If you like MCs which are a bit more snarky, you will probably like Dr. MC. However, because we read these routes from the perspective of the MC, I overall find it easier to actually fall in love with the love interest and the relationship when the MC falls in love. Which Hosho’s Dr. MC does… but just in a way that I don’t find very convincing? I wonder if it’s maybe that I can’t figure out why she falls in love – it feels more like general pity/comfort than love, although it does provoke an interesting thought exercise into what we might define as being in love. The strange thing is that plot-wise, I think them falling in love is smooth enough, but I honestly think it’s just the writing style that I find a bit too clinical (lol) maybe? So while the pacing is fine, it still somehow feels a bit abrupt. I haven’t quite figured out what exactly it is about RMD that I just find slightly off… (and I’m also too lazy to do a proper analysis and compare to some other titles).

I think it also depends on how you play otome games: do you treat the MC as a separate person? Do you tend to self-insert as the MC? Or is it sort of a mix of both?

Personally, I find for myself that it’s a mix of both. I like MCs that I can relate to, so in that sense there’s an element of self-insert, but I also do see her as a separate person (since they make a lot of choices that I wouldn’t and tend to have a form of strength and conviction that I absolutely do not have lol). Something I realised about myself is that when I read shoujo manga, I’m pretty indiscriminate about what types of guys I like… it’s more about the chemistry between the two characters. Speaking of playing otome games, I don’t really know how I feel about the Sekai inserts… I mean it’s fairly relatable to mentally interact with your favourite otoge characters but from a reader perspective, we know absolutely nothing about Sekai so I don’t feel any particular way about seeing him. Maybe it’s just a different way of communicating Dr. MC’s thoughts but yeah I don’t really know that the Sekai inserts are necessary…? Let me know what you think about him.

Also so maybe this is maybe a cultural thing but like what is the DEAL with the pheromones? I can tell you for sure that I’ve been attracted to people in my life but I’ve never felt them like leaking pheromones. (I think my boyfriend smells amazing and it makes me wanna be close to him but like… are those pheromones? I don’t know.) I find it funny that out of all of them, Hosho probably has the most ‘regular’/realistic(?) character design but we have to take their word for it that he’s the Sexiest Person Ever. I feel like it was a bit over the top but then again I really did become convinced that Hosho is just super sexy so… I guess it worked? But equally, I feel like it could have been toned down a little and I still would have believed that Hosho is sex on legs. He’s actually really likeable… but somehow I feel that the chemistry is lacking? There’s something about Dr. MC that I find just kind of bland.

My own doctor friends are totally normal people (by which I mean they have their own quirks and weirdness and hobbies/interests lol that’s what makes us friends) and even each individual love interest has their own personality and quirks so I’m not quite sure why Dr. MC just seems kind of dull to me. I mean I really like some of the newer Voltage MCs like the ones from Masquerade Kiss and Irresistible Mistakes, who are also career women and have a more concrete personality and yet can still fall in love, even when they may not want to. If we’re talking chemistry and sexual tension, look at Kazuomi and MK MC! Even though Hosho is supposed to be a walking sex machine, I didn’t really get much of a sense of actual chemistry between him and Dr. MC. So I think I like Hosho as a person (as in I, both from an observer’s perspective and my own personal tastes, like Hosho) but I don’t love his route. I feel like he would be better off with a different MC, like maybe My Sweet Bodyguard MC – someone who comes off a little sweeter – or even someone like IM or EITM MC who’s a mix of sexy and sweet.

I actually quite like Hosho, but I’m not sure if it’s just because he reminds me so much of Soma. He’s got that same kind of charisma and mystery (and popularity/smoothness with women) to him. I actually wrote in my notes while playing that Hosho is a sluttier version of Soma. While not as cold as Soma, Hosho can definitely be cool when he wants to be, doing the classic “pulling away because he’s scared to love” thing.  I do think there is an element of the “omg he’ll treat you poorly because he’s too afraid to trust people” but I actually like the way it’s done in Hosho’s route. So rather than treating you poorly because he’s too afraid to trust, it’s more like he pushes you away because he’s afraid of being loved because everyone who’s loved him has left him or forgotten him. I actually don’t find him to be too cold – some LIs can act up in really twisted ways (Shinobu…. Narita…..) because they have bad personalities lol but Hosho’s strategy is just to distance himself rather than be malicious about it. In a way, he’s once again similar to Soma who is kind and professional but distant/cold rather than intentionally cruel because of his own dead sister trauma.

All things considered, I think Hosho’s personality is actually quite regular – he’s just a flirty, pretty nice guy who uses physical intimacy to distract from his trauma. He comes across as both mature and composed but also stuck in his childhood and still quite vulnerable in some ways. He’s someone who has definitely found his own ways to deal with his issues, whether or not they’re actually healthy for him. We may have to wait a good while to see this (if RMD is still being continued beyond season 1) but I’m curious to see what he’ll be like as a love interest/boyfriend once his trauma has been dealt with.

(Cute rare blushing Hosho. As rare as cute rare blushing Soma)

I’m also kind of sad that Hosho doesn’t speak in Kansai dialect because I personally think Kansai ben is REALLY sexy and it would make his casual sexiness even better but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ I was wondering if they just forgot about it but then you see him speaking in ‘translated Kansai ben’ (a.k.a. the bogan accent that Voltage likes to use as a replacement) as a kid and it’s soooo cute.

(SO!!!! ADORABLE!!!!! I LOVE BABY HOSHO)

(A bonus crying baby Tetsuya… pulls at the heartstrings…)

Something that I do like about all the Romance MD guys is that they all have their own different personality traits but they’re actually all so well-read and clever and demonstrably good at their jobs and individual specialties and they take their job seriously and work hard at it. This is certainly the case with Hosho too, who is a staggeringly talented neurosurgeon both in terms of practical skill and research. Perhaps even more than Takado, I developed a feeling of respect for Hosho as a doctor, although this may be because of the Dr. MC perspective in the storytelling – maybe this is another reason why I feel the chemistry is generally lacking in RMD because it sort of feels like there’s more of a professional relationship being built than a romantic one, and it doesn’t have the same sort of balance that we can see in other workplace romance titles such as Her Love in the Force, Our Two Bedroom Story and IM. I do feel like Hosho gets away with super unprofessional behaviour that Kasumi just kind of allows. I did want more explanation for the Kasumi-Hosho relationship a little bit more, although I am wondering if Kasumi just has a special relationship with every individual member of the ICU crew. 100koi+ has Takado’s MS from Kasumi’s perspective for some reason, so I’m assuming he has some significant relationship there too.

In general, there’s less banter amongst the doctors compared to Takado’s route which was kind of a shame, because their dynamic is part of what makes this game fun. I honestly think Takado is more fun outside of his own route. His grouchiness is kind of amusing. Hosho’s route also reveals a tiny little hint of what I think is Sen’s own true personality, as well as his obsession of Kasumi.

Reading Hosho’s route also piqued my interest in all of the other Lis too. All of these doctors have such trauma-filled lives!! I get that being an ICU doctor comes with a lot of mental pressure and having to deal with losing patients is terrible but they have so much shit going on in their personal lives too. It’s sort of like KOR levels of drama except they’re the affected ones rather than Dr. MC. Watch Ekuni actually have some sort of trauma-induced narcolepsy or insomnia and the theme of his ‘sky’ will be either sunrise or a dark vortex of a night sky. I bet Sen has some complex about being a child genius and his parents will be super demanding, which is maybe one of the reasons why he’s so obsessed with super young Chief of Medicine Kasumi. I’m also willing to put money on my guess that Matsunaga will have the most serious drama of them all.

By the way I forgot to mention this in my Takado review and I have no knowledge or whether or not it’s actually accurate so I wouldn’t trust my opinion on this but I appreciate the medical research the writers had to do. I like that they explain some things just enough for noobs like myself to understand what’s going on, but it doesn’t read like they’re dumbing it down. 

There are a few plot points which I feel are a bit cliched and maybe not as cleanly relevant as in Takado’s route, such as the nurses bullying you cause they miss being on Hosho’s sex rotation. (Also I was really prejudiced against Shirayuki I’M SO SORRY MISUMI FOR JUDGING YOU BASED ON YOUR SPRITE) and the whole thing about Hosho’s reputation as a demon because of his fanatical obsession with memory-based research. I think it’s quite normal in professional research communities to have a particular field of expertise and to focus most of your papers on that one subject and/or adjacent subjects. I’m not really sure why he might have a bad reputation or have people gossip about him because he focusses on one particular niche so I’m wondering if maybe it was a plot point that the writers thought would make Dr. MC begin to feel defensive of him. I had a similar view of that scene in the Pen when the nurses are slating him – I don’t feel like that was a particularly strong narrative point aside from drumming up a little more of that “he loves you but can’t be with you because he’s damaged” conflict. Overall, I would say that Hosho’s route plot is not as dramatic and is rather a little more subdued than Takado’s route, but I felt like Takado needed a route that dramatic to bring him and Dr. MC together while Hosho doesn’t. His route is surprisingly heartbreaking, the more you find out about him the more you just feel so terrible for him. When I went back and flashed through to do the walkthrough, I realised how awful some of the things that people, including Dr. MC, say to him are in light of his past and it definitely made me feel a lot more for him. I found Hosho’s backstory really unique and creative, and it explores some fairly mature themes and definitely adds dimension to the dead relative trope. Because his situation has not been fully resolved, the narrative definitely sets up well for a second season, and I imagine at some point he will have to come to terms with reintroducing himself to his mother.

Regarding pacing, I felt the same reading Takado’s route but I find the routes always start off quite slow. If I were reading them outside of the no wait period, I probably wouldn’t make it past episode 7. There’s also something kind of tiring about being at the early episodes (probably until about halfway?) and just wondering when the actual plot will start haha. But once the backstory starts coming in, then the pace really picks up. I don’t know that this route needed 30 episodes because I don’t think they were utilised as well as Takado’s 30 but 30 episodes = likely more money for Voltage if you spend hearts to avoid wait times lol.

Something I noticed about the game is that when I went back to replay to make the walkthrough, I could actually choose select chapters (rather than having to revert back to episode 1 and play through all the way). I didn’t test this before getting to SHE so maybe the ‘Collector’s Edition’ perks are unlocked once you get SHE! Speaking of getting SHE, you and Hosho don’t end up together in the Normal Ending so… there’s that… and the scene is literally like less than 10 screens long. I feel like it’s slightly unfair since Takado’s Normal Ending at least still has a confession from him.

Finally, I did also note some coding errors in the text boxes, something that I haven’t seen much in newer Voltage titles (we kind of got used to seeing typos and errors pop up here and there in some of the older titles haha).

To me, Hosho and Takado are both guys that I think I like that have compelling histories. My main issue is just feeling like there’s some chemistry lacking with regards to Dr. MC and the expense of the Love Choice system. That said, I’m even more curious to see what happens in Sen’s route, which I believe should be coming out next.

Hosho’s route costs 197 hearts in total. Less than Takado but still a HUGE amount. If you really wanted to buy all the heart scenes, I would suggest making the most of the heart sale that’s on right now and getting the 200+10 hearts deal for 19.99 although this is still atrociously expensive. (lol this is how long ago I started writing this review). As always with Love Choice, you miss out on key plot points if you don’t pick the heart scenes, or there will be contradictions between your choice and what happens next. I really wish there was a better way to still get the plot points and key elements and just miss out on some sweet scenes. Like with Takado’s route, a huge amount of hearts are concentrated in the last 10 chapters. Between chapter 20 and 29 of Takado’s route, the heart scenes cost 110 hearts; with Hosho’s the heart scenes in chapters 20 and 29 cost a whopping 133 hearts!!! This means that 67.5% of the required hearts are concentrated in the last third of the route with 16 points value, so I would save hearts for some of the later scenes rather than the earlier ones if you wanted the heart scenes and/or to get to SHE. If you ignore the ones that I said aren’t worth it, that should give you 26 points which brings you to SHE with all the CGs. Alternatively, scroll past the walkthrough to see the CGs.

Walkthrough below:

Ep 1: (by the way, these options didn’t have “A” or “B” which I think is an inconsistency)

“Let’s start in Pathology.”

“Nurses Station first.”

Ep 2: A: “Are you sure?”

B: “I don’t believe you.”

Ep 3:

A: “I’ll keep that in mind.”

B: “I can’t quit now.”

Ep 4:

A: “Wow. Ouch.”

B: “It’s so true.”

Ep 5:

A: “I don’t get it either.”

B: “It IS beautiful.”

Ep 6:

A: Keep watching. (Love Meter +1/CG) 5 hearts

B: Leave him alone.

Ep 7:

A: “Yes, please!”

B: “Don’t you want to visit your folks?”

Ep 8: (Plot point here)

A: Visit the temple. (Love Meter +2) 8 hearts

B: Turn back.

Ep 9:

A: “Like what sort of people?”

B: “Speaking from experience?”

Ep 10:

A: “Yeah.”

B: “Do you think I’m joking?”

Ep 11: (Absolutely useless. Don’t waste your hearts on this)

A: Start a consult. (Love Meter +2) 10 hearts

B: Admit to being stumped.

Ep 12:

A: “Snap out of it!”

B: “Heeelp!”

Ep 13?: (Not really sure this one is worth it)

A: Try to convince him (Love Meter +2) 10 hearts

B: Leave it alone.

Ep 14:

A: “He’s not like that!”

B: “Wanna bet?”

Ep 15: (A fairly nice scene and a decent heart to love meter value)

A: Go home with Tetsuya. (Love Meter +3) 13 hearts

B: Go to your place.

Ep 16:

A: “Just get some rest.”

B: “Do you want anything?”

Ep 17:

A: Talk to him. (Love Meter +2) 10 hearts

B: Watch him go.

Ep 18:

A: Suck it up.

B: “Should I go in looking like this?”

Ep 19:

A: “I want to be a neurosurgeon.” (Love Meter +2) 8 hearts

B: “I want to go to Ortho.”

Ep 20:

A: Stick up for him. (Love Meter +1/CG) 13 hearts

B: Feign ignorance.

Ep 21:

A: “I’m just his coworker.”

B: “I don’t have that power.”

Ep 22: (Don’t waste hearts on this. Basically nothing happens)

A: See him off. (Love Meter +1) 10 hearts

B: Go with him.

Ep 23: (Some plot here that will be missed without the heart scene but I don’t think it’s that necessary)

A: Talk about it. (Love Meter +3) 20 hearts

B: Do nothing.

Ep 24: (Important plot points and cute baby Hosho scenes)

A: “Tell me.” (Love Meter +1) 15 hearts

B: “I’d rather not.” (you get a second chance to select A if you select this option)

Ep 25: (gives you some love meter points but story-wise I don’t really think it’s worth it)

A: Offer comfort. (Love Meter +3) 19 hearts

B: What’s done is done.

Ep 26:

A: “I refuse.” (Love Meter +1/CG) 15 hearts

B: “All right.”

Ep 27: (Expensive but LOTS of story)

A: “Yes, please.” (Love Meter +3) 22(?!) hearts

B: “I’d rather not.” (you get a second chance to select A)

Ep 28:

A: “Sure.”

B: “I’ll go home with you too?”

Ep 29:

A: Squeeze his hand (Love Meter +3) 19 hearts

B: You can’t respond.

CGs:

[go-diane-winchester]

The

Excuse the finger error on the heading.  Not important anyway. 

Doll face sent this wonderful observation that I didn't even realize.

''In response to your thing about Castiel - I feel ya. You can argue and debate till you’re blue in the face but it won’t make a difference. The stans only hear what they wanna hear. S1,2,3 remain my favourite seasons of the show and probably 3 of the most successful seasons overall. It was the brothers against the world. All this repetitive angel BS wasn’t a factor. It was dark and twisty and the SL was consistent. It didn’t need Castiel to be what it was and never has done.''

I agree with this but it reminds me of something Jared said in the earlier panels.  He said, although he was humble enough to take any job.  He wanted to do something that was not campy.  She is right.  The tone and texture of SPN was gritty and real.  There was feeling of ''This has happened somewhere.  We just don't know about it''.  I am also forgiving of the fourth and fifth season because those stories were congruent with the previous seasons.  The story was still focused on the brothers.  They were the front and center of the story.  And the big bad story was intertwined with their story.  It was not like the stories that came after season 5, that had nothing to do with them. 

Plus, despite the inclusion of humor in the story, there was no moment that made you scrunch your forehead and go ''what the???''.  The humor, on many occasions, made sense.  That is why, once upon a time, people were crazy about the shifter.  Every time this creature appeared on screen, something  interesting happened.  From St. Louis to the Monster Movie episode, to Changing Channels.  Even if it was funny, that was fine, because the shifter was a buffer.  You could blame the meagre amount of silliness on him and the silliness was not insulting to a viewer.  Other than the oversensitive stans, most people thoroughly enjoyed the episodes.

Then the Gamble era ended, and even the humor got pathetic.  Dean's humor, especially, has gotten ludicrous over the years.  Dean is a lot of funny things, but he is clumsy and stupid.  Eating pie messily, getting out of the wrestling ring clumsily , it was all too much.  Jensen, himself, said that Scooby Dooby Doo line he had to say was mortifying.  I remember watching that scene with the dumb ascot [whhyyy???] and cringing.  Remember when Dean was the gritty bad boy with a good heart?  Yeah, well he died after Scoobynatural.  This joke that we have on the scene now, isn't that Dean.  This one doesn't use holy water and silver to test a person.  He uses baked goods.  Dean Winchester is now a silly cartoon. 

Even his British attire for Michael makes no sense.  Although the choice was Jensen's because he is a fan of Peaky Blinders, if I was in charge of wardrobe, I would have said no.  I would have given him a black turtleneck, black jeans, and a long, glossy, ankle length black leather jacket that made from a leather that allowed the jacket to be manipulated by a gust of wind.  That fucking stupid hat, I tell you.  The point is everyone is too busy playing and none were taking their jobs seriously.  So they didn't correct Jensen and why should they if he is doing all the thinking for them. 

Sam's character was completely butchered in S8.  Sam's fans must have been gritting their teeth throughout that season because of the character assassination.  I did a full post only on that.  Sam went from flawed to downright selfish and mean in that season and I hypothesized that someone in the writers room, just hated him.  I stand by that hypothesis until something more substantial comes along.  Though they stopped giving him any story.  After S8, everything that happened, seemed to center around Dean with Sam picking up the pieces.  Unfortunately for whoever hates Jared, they cant switch off Jensen and Jared's chemistry.  And that's a good thing because at least kept the show watchable. 

The gritty left with the inclusion of the bunker.  I understand why they used the bunker storyline.  New sets each week were probably expensive.  One fixed set almost every week, has a lesser dent on the budget.  But it was the bunker that made the whole show start to appear campy.  I remember Angel had a similar looking set and that was a campy show.  I miss the dingy motel rooms, creepy cemetery, the salvage yard and everything else that made Supernatural old school American.  The BMOLs with their accent, and the dystopian AU world were nothing like the picture that Sam and Dean helped paint many years ago.  When Dean was blasted into the future, where Samifer made an appearance, it was only for one day, not the whole season. 

I didn't have an issue with the Castiel that Kripke had written, even though the first three seasons were indeed real and gritty and not campy at all.  I just saw him as a guest character like Rufus, Bobby, Hendrickson, Ellen etc.  I didn't think there was anything special about the character.  And I would have tolerated him if the actor playing him didn't get to big for his britches.   However, that character and the caricature he was replaced with, are two distinct characters.  First of all, Misha unfortunately bled into the character.  I have never known a more inadequate man. 

So the masculinity and quiet wisdom that the character was supposed to exude was replaced by a colossal wimp who cant fight anyone properly and who has no ancient knowledge to share with the leads.  Cas only appeared on screen randomly and left randomly.  There was no guarantee of him appearing to help the boys because ''he didn't serve them''.  And that was fine.  Now he doesn't leave their side, just hanging around like a skin tag.  The character was kept on board way past his expiry date.  Keeping him on board meant that the angel storyline had to be lengthened just to accommodate him.  Now this useless, pointless character is going to be in the last ever episode.  I can feel it.  It was be a sad end but at least, it will be over.  They wont be able to butcher Sam and Dean's characters anymore. 

[theonceoverthinker]

“The Heart of the Truest Believer” Unused Script Snippets Compilation

So, as some of you know, recently I was lucky enough to win a script for “The Heart of the Truest Believer” in an OUAT auction. I think scripts are some of the most fun things you can win in auctions like these -- it’s cool to see how lines change and develop over the course of the writing and filming processes, they open the door to additional fun fan speculation, and of course, we get to see lines and actions that didn’t make the cut and in some cases, maybe see a completely new product!

And now that I have the script, I wanted to share it with everyone so we can do all of that groovy stuff!

There were a fair amount of changes, additional bits of dialogue, and honestly just funny things I noticed that I wanted to point out to laugh at like a fourth grader! I put in every thing that was in the script, but not in the episode, but if there’s a scene or something from the episode that you want to see, please let me know and i’ll see what I can do to get it to you (Sorry, buying the scripts and scanning can get expensive and I’m going to London this summer)!

Also, there’s a fair amount of shippy stuff in here, namely for Swan Fire, Sleeping Warrior, and Captain Swan (Ergo, the early ship tags). It’s not all that’s in here by any means, but I do want you going into this knowing that. 

Finally, as a personal plea from me, let’s please try not to go too beserk over this, or rather, like our fandom sometimes tends to do. I wanted to share all of this good stuff for fun and archival purposes and I’d hate to inadvertently cause the next fandom war. And look, I get it: Fandoms be fandoms and my plea probably won’t factor into much in the grand scheme of things, but hey, I had to try, am I right? Just remember to treat each other the way you’d want to be treated. Certain scenes and ship that you might not like could mean a great deal to others and we should all try and respect each other. 

Okay! Now that that’s out of the way, without further adieu, join me under the cut and let’s get to it!

First off, here’s a little observation: Apparently, in addition to comforting Emma, the doctor was supposed to give Emma a tissue. And given the sentences before that note, she’d definitely need it. :(

Another small cut line, but it makes you think just what a war on magic would be like. Also, I love the buildup of Tamara and Greg as these big antagonists and a third faction to counter the efforts of Pan and the heroes, only to pull the rug up from them and the audience. Kind of reminds me of how Dragon Ball Z transitioned from the androids to Cell.

Okay, enough nerding out! Moving on!

I was so happy that we got a juicy little bit of Rumple-y goodness in here! While I’m personally okay with the scene being excluded from the final episode, I do love how this scene builds up Rumple’s transformation back into his Dark One persona. I love the idea of the most dramatic spinning in television history and that crescendo of suspense. You know Isham would’ve had a time and a half orchestrating this scene! Can you just imagine the strings and the percussion?!

And speaking of Rumple, here’s some more Rumple dialogue!!! It builds on what we got in the final version in a more detailed way and makes for a strong moment in the Emma and Rumple dynamic. 

As an added bonus, if you look at the bottom left of the page, it appears that whoever previously had this script helped setting up the sets! So that’s nifty!

Tamara is Spider-Man. OUAT/MCU CROSSOVER CONFIRMED!!

In a similar vein, we see Greg and Tamara here trying to do a bit more damage to the enemies than what we got in the finished episode.  

Phillip! That’s Lumiere’s line! Silly man...

We get a bit more unused dialogue here (Loving the “arrow�� joke!)! It’s basically just exposition, but we do get a bit of colliding personalities in here, especially between Neal and Mulan. Considering that these characters don’t get a ton of screen time after this season, this was a nice discovery to uncover.

I also like the smidge of character development Mulan got from Belle -- she’s now taken an interest in seeking knowledge after seeing how effective it can be!

More towards the bottom of the page, here we get two things that I found cool. First, we see a bit more to the guessing game of what is attacking the Jolly Roger and for certain Killian fans, seeing a Kraken out there is pretty cool! 

Second...look the descriptions of some of the actions in these scripts is just phenomenal. And if you ever want to ensure a good ole case of alcohol poisoning, take a drink every time the F word is used! You will be PLASTERED before long! XD

We get a lot of additional dialogue here with some twinges of both Swan Fire and Sleeping Warrior nestled neatly in the actions and dialogue. My friends, I’d have KILLED to see that hand hold in the final product! I also really admire Neal’s steadfast determination here! It’s very reminiscent of Baelfire and is just utterly heartwarming to see how much he cares about his family.

And on top of that, we get a smidge more lore for the after effects of the sleeping curse! I’m no lore snob and I do find the explanation to be a biiiiiiiit weird, but hey -- it’s OUAT and weird is what I signed up for! It works well enough for me.

Tamara, you can’t blame others for your actions! You know better...or at least you should. I don’t know. For a while, at least, you seemed pretty smart and devious. 

But more importantly than that: THE DARK ONE IS BACK! ...I just really liked that line. It reminds me of that old movie Commando. Rumple was trying to leave his past behind...sort of, but to save what matters to him, he’s gotta go back to his old ways. It’s a great mix of menacing and oddly triumphant! Honestly, it just sounds badass and I love that script note!!! 

Like I said...the drinking games that could stem from these scripts could KILL someone! ...There’s nothing new here: I just thought this was funny.

MOVING ON!

Once again, we see some more Neal and Mulan dialogue with both direct and indirect nods to Swan Fire and Sleeping Warrior! I just have a lot of feels for these two, okay?!

So, we’ll see this a bit later in more detail, but there seemed to be something of a D-plot about the Jolly Roger sinking as a result of the storm. It’s only mentioned in the final product during the scene where our team finally arrives on the island, but there’s quite a few lines about this being more of a substantial plot point than what we ended up getting. Once again, I’m overall okay with its exclusion since the conflict of them having to work together was the more important part of the conflict. 

And hey! We get a little bit of CS dialogue too, and I’m not complaining about that at all! I can’t help but feel like had that been included, it (Namely Killian calling Emma a sailor) would’ve been one of those OUAT-y things that just makes its way into all kinds of fan works -- like an OUAT meme that’s not played for comedy. You get what I’m saying? Ah well! 

Let’s keep going!

...Again, not new, but the script direction was just too funny to leave out of this post!

Here we get a bit more dialogue of Emma trying to get her reluctant teammates to listen to her. While I’m fine with the scene as we got it, I would’ve liked it if this went into the final version. It builds up Emma’s desperation nicely and gives their lack of teamwork a subtle hint of tragedy that a solution is literally right in their face, but they won’t listen.

I also like that there’s a bit more to Hook’s extra line. Does one take it as him not believing her alongside the group, or him believing her and tragically pointing out that no one else does? I think the ultimate interpretation would’ve come down to how Colin played it, but I appreciate the nuance of the line!

So, here, like I said before, here’s where we get more of the meat of the Jolly Roger sinking plot point. There’s more of a weight to it. As I said before, while I like this extra dialogue, I do think that the final version was effective enough in showing the team working together and that an extra scene wouldn’t have contributed that meaningfully to it in the overall grand scheme of things.

That all having been said, additionally, we get some awesome Emma here, and I am always a fan of that! We get to see a bit of smugness with that “I was right” line and some frack-a-lackin’great leadership as she leads the group onto Neverland’s shores! It’s an honestly cool moment and I’m picturing Jen slaying as she delivers these great lines!

As you might be able to see on the first picture in this set, there’s a bit of cutoff dialogue. Unfortunately, that’s how I got the script and it happens occasionally in this script. However, if I may speculate, going by Emma’s next line, it seems like Hook was telling her that if they follow through with her plan, Pan will know they’re on his island for sure and will likely be able to find them with relative ease. It’s fitting for Hook’s view of Pan for him to be apprehensive about giving Pan an in like this and makes Emma’s willingness to go into the metaphorical fires of Neverland to be even cooler!

Finally, we end off with another bit of Swan Fire, and it’s honestly pretty touching! Like, he cries over her and she’s the love of his life! That’s just sweet!

Also, I’m pretty sure that Robin line at the top is new, and it’s pretty funny! Robin’s character does snark really well!

And with that, our journey through the uncut side of “The Heart of the Truest Believer” is complete! I hope you all liked these snippets and maybe got a bit more material to think on! I know I did!

[codywalzel]

It is my personal belief that no one can teach another human being a single useful thing about how to make art. My understanding of “teaching” is giving someone something directly, like a full-proof method for balancing algebraic equations, or the definitions of SAT words. I went into art school with the hopes that cryptic lesson plans would lead to a Mr. Miyagi style evolution that would unlock my hidden powers. If I knew what I do now about how to art-learn, I might have gotten something substantial out of college. But in my experience, art education begins and ends with either: 1. Another artist opening your eyes to an idea about drawing that you hadn’t noticed before, or 2. Elaborating on their go-to solutions they use in their own work. Someone can tell you that you can ground your storyboards by drawing a ground grid. But using that grid in correct perspective, to it’s intended effect, is not something someone can do for you. Art educators and mentors can help you identify solutions to problems, then you work out how to implement it yourself. At the risk of sounding like a pedant for drawing that distinction, I’ll say that since I started approaching creative learning from this perspective, I get a lot more out of it. It’s become more “guided experimentation” than recording a recipe for the perfect painting. That said, storytelling in art is definitely something you can teach yourself. You’ve identified a trait already, storytelling, so you’re already at the limit of where some teachers can take you. Plus you identified something astute, because I’ve been trying to incorporate storytelling into my art for a while, and have only recently started to get a handle on it. So in my opinion, you’ve done the bulk of the thinking work. Now comes the heavy practice work to master this new spell. This journey has a lot to do with finding your voice as a storyteller, so the tone of “YOU”, and the style of rendering that best expresses that tone in this time and place, will have a unique set of challenges for each person. But, I’ll take you through some of the realizations I had on the path to where I am now: A proud adult with two cats and a hit or miss batting average at clearly expressing thought in a sketch.

Capturing an entire scene in a single, static drawing is something my mentor Ian Abando does masterfully. I used to try to emulate the personality I saw in those drawings, but I was only copying the surface. I realize now that me and Ian’s outlooks are so different, that Ian and I would never tell the same type of stories, much less the same exact same story about those people at the adjacent cafe table. He’s personable, outgoing, jovial. Ian is like a friendly labrador with a dark streak in his sense of humor. He can sketch two strangers and capture a warmth that makes you realize they’re actually two old friends that haven’t seen each other in years. I can find something in that coffee shop too, but I’m just a way bigger weirdo, so I’m more interested in weirdo shit. For me, the first step in capturing those stories was finding the right subject. I keep a sketchbook with me at all times, and I’ve developed a patience for waiting, for hunting the right subject. When Ian and I meet up at a coffee shop to sketch, it always seems like he can draw anything. He seems to rest his gaze somewhere in the room at random, then drop pencil to page and watch that snippet explode into life. But now, I think he’s hunting too. I think he’s searching for what’s interesting, what’s worth drawing to him. It only seemed random to me because I couldn’t see what was beautiful about a subject. That he can see a particular magic in a certain 6 square feet of space, and not 6 feet next to it, has to do with who he is. In my mind, he was making that table of pleasant, unremarkable strangers more interesting on the page than it really was. But in his mind, maybe he saw that a girl was counting down the seconds until the end of a bad date, and the guy was trying to find subtle ways to flex.  Even now that I can “see” more, I might never appreciate the specific things that Ian does until he draws them.

The potential exists for that to be true of all of us. Art is a magic that lends other people your eyes. So let people see the pieces of your world that only you can. Just like he can do for me, I can see what’s interesting in scenes that Ian would overlook. And there are a million scenes where we’d see the same fascinating thing, but we’d have a different approach to it (for one, his approach would be to be way better at drawing than me). And there are a million more scenes that we’d both see something interesting in, but we’d each attach to a different feature of it.  All of that to say, don’t just pick out something and draw. If you want to tell a story, then don’t draw just to put something down on the page. Wait. Observe. Find a moment that makes you laugh. Find somebody despicable, and capture what’s despicable about them. Use a sketch to vent. Or make a sketch intentionally cold, and show everyone what your specific brand of loneliness feels like without begging for sympathy. I’d rather keep observing and draw nothing than to try to draw something dull because it’s in front of me. Find the stories you’re personally interested in, you probably have something funny or insightful to say about a given situation that is unique to you. Try to put that weird part of you on display. If it scares you, then it’s probably coming from an honest place, and you should keep going. It may be clumsy at first. The story I want to tell still doesn’t come across on the page every time. Meanwhile, Ian seems to capture his stories without a single failure. If stories are Pokemon, he’s tossing great balls while I’m stuck with a standard issue poke ball. He’d probably say that comes down to pencil mileage. So keep practicing. Keep putting pencil to page even on the shit drawing days. It’s a toll you have to pay to be good down the line, even if you’re not good today. But, please, keep your brain turned on, that means always make an effort to be interesting. (Everyone go ahead and make that same effort in life too. Being boring around the water cooler at work is super rude and depressing.)  Like I said, being interesting in your art usually just comes down to taking an extra second to consider your subject before you start drawing. What am I seeing here? Is this the thing I want to draw? Where am I going with this? Is this coming from a real place? Am I digging to find the best I have today, or am I just making the same tired observation about airline food that I’ve seen before? And if I’m drawing something a lot of people draw, I make sure to ask what can I bring to this? What story can I tell about this that no one else is telling? Example: for the most part, if everyone around me is gushing about some new Star War via fanart, another well rendered post telling the story that you also enjoyed the Star War isn’t that interesting to me. I’d rather a worse drawing driven by a more interesting idea. You can participate in the cultural conversation without just repeating what’s already been said. I’m more likely to enjoy your Star War art if it comments on that one character’s funny butt pose in the third act. Or whatever. That’s just an hypothetical it doesn’t have to be butts. The point is to put more thought in to your art. Wait a sec for the right idea, don’t just start drawing. You will know when you spot the right subject because you will already see it on the page. Plussss, when you start drawing with a clear idea where you’re going, not only is it more interesting, but it actually informs your craft- your drawings will come out better. Okay, let’s say I’m not interested in the people a table over at the coffee shop, how do I know what else to look for? As stupid as this sounds, tweeting helped. Not just reading other people’s tweets, but putting myself out there, wording an idea with limited characters, figuring out what types of things could be explained, and what things were hard to express. And then I started to notice more and more effective way to express those ideas with a specific tone. One thing I realized about myself was that I trying to say two or three things about something at once. It made good ideas muddy, and weakened all three. I challenged myself to clarify, to combine, to present a single, strong idea. I’m still working on it, but for me tweeting is a storytelling exercise that’s helped put more “me” into my art. It forced me to get thoughts, ideas, jokes, frustrations, etc. out into the ether unadulterated by technique. There was no consideration of line quality or volume, so a thought had to stand on it’s own two legs. I doubt tweeting would help many artists in the same way.  But I think in words exclusively, images come later. I write outlines and dialogue in detail before I ever touch storyboard or comic thumbnails. But I’m in the middle of transitioning into writing, so I think my brain is naturally more verbal than most artists. Even with so much internal commentary, my art was without clear storytelling for a long time, because ideas either got lost in the drawing stage, or were too complicated to fit into a single image. Tweeting taught me how to be concise, (I’m clearly not using that skill for this reply, but whatever). So find your own method for making yourself comfortable enough to open up. Which leads me to the most my recent storytelling realization: Don’t be afraid to put your opinions in your art. What you feel passionate about from the deep to the mundane can guide you in your search for a subject. I think people’s egos are funny. LA’s coffee shops are flooded with aspiring creatives mouth-shitting hot takes on art with dogmatic authority, and all from their designated unemployment-check-opening-butt-crater that they’ve worn into the cafe couch. I’m not denigrating anyone that hasn’t made it yet. But I am laughing at the unearned confidence of beardy over at the next table, and the volume at which he’s dropping that savage insight into the Black Mirror episode using stolen lines he just finished reading in a Robert McKee book. Beardy is a “writer” you see, I know because he might have mentioned it a few times to the people he’s with. So yeah, one thing I like to draw is people with their ego’s showing. It makes me laugh. Probably because I too have a big, fragile ego.

That “storytelling” thing is a muscle, like being funny at a party. You get good at party banter if you put yourself through the pain of attending multiple parties close together. (I’m convinced no human being actually enjoys parties, by the way. We all think we’re the idiot just outside the conversation circle that can’t find a big enough gap in people’s shoulders. But parties are the hardest social video game and It’s a little fun to be good at it.) The same way, you keep that storytelling muscle active in your drawings, and you’ll get momentum. If you take a month off, it’ll get weaker, and you’ll have catching up to do when you come back to it. Draw “you” day in and day out. One day you’ll starting getting these bursts where you stop thinking about the drawing process. You’ll stop actively trying to make it “good”, you’ll be swept up, and you’ll disappear into your own rhythm. It’s probably on that day that you’ll look down and realize you just communicated on the page. But let’s move on to a matter of real importance:

The older I get the more I resemble an anime. Thoughts?

[solastia]

Shadow Song | 1

We are the Shadow Knights. We stand for justice and truth. We bring retribution to those that defy that. And your name is on our list.

Pairing: Yoo Kihyun x Reader

Summary: Yoo Kihyun is an Assassin that’s been paid to take out the heir to a vast corporation. However, after a week of staking out his target, he finds he can’t pull the trigger. 

Word Count: 2,133

Genre & Warnings: Assassin Au, will be a mix of every genre, some angst/some fluff/eventually smut. Will have violence to some degree but nothing overly graphic. Monsta X being adorable and charming. 

Notes: This was just going to be one long one shot, but it was becoming too long, so I’m breaking it down into chapters. Enjoy! 

The light should be turning on in 5...4...3...2...1...

Yoo Kihyun smirked at the reliability of his latest target’s routine as the apartment lit up. He had it down to the exact second at this point. 

Her alarm would go off at 5:55 am, and she would hit the button three times before finally getting up at 6:05 am. She’d get ready and go for an hour-long jog. During this run, she’d only stop once for precisely eight minutes to give treats to dogs in the fenced off dog park. Afterwards, she’d head home to shower and eat before heading to work at 7:45 am. She’d stay in her office working until 6:15 pm, only leaving once to have a salad in the company cafeteria for lunch at 2:10 pm. She would be home at precisely 6:32 pm. From there, she usually didn’t leave the apartment. She’d cook dinner, then watch Netflix, read, or play with her little orange cat. After a quick five minute shower, she’d be in bed by 9:30 pm. And she conveniently left her curtains open at all times, making his job that much easier. 

Kihyun was beginning to wonder why she was a target, though. As of today, he’d been evaluating his mark for an entire week. He knew she liked her coffee sweet, knew that she always kept a book in her purse to read during lunch, knew that when a song came on that she loved she’d pick up her cat and dance around her living room. However, he hadn’t found a single shred of evidence that warranted her death. 

L/N Y/N was the CEO of Hekami Corp, the most substantial architecture company in the entire country. She’d inherited the position after her father passed away two years ago. There were rumors that she was one of the top five wealthiest people on the planet since her company worked globally. Only other family was a stepmother and stepbrother. He’d scoured everything from her bank accounts to every grade she’d ever gotten in school. He’d unearthed everything that could be found. The order had said that she was responsible for using her money and connections to fund all manner of underground dealings. Sex trade, drug trafficking, child labor. Kihyun hadn’t seen anything so far worth shooting her over except that she left dishes in the sink overnight. 

He was beginning to get that feeling in his gut. The one that he felt in the courtroom when he just knew that something wasn’t right. 

Have they been had? Had someone actually dared to use a Shadow Knight to do their dirty work? It was generally well known in the underground networks that while, yes, the Shadow Knights were technically Assassin’s, they only took out the worst of the worst. The guys that slipped through the cracks of the corrupt legal system. Hell, they were practically the Justice League with .300 Win Mags.

Kihyun found himself growing increasingly more agitated as he once again focused on his target. She seemed to be unusually chipper today, dancing around her kitchen as she made what appeared to be curry. He was pretty sure she’d put in too much powder and not enough water making him feel slightly triggered, but he managed to bury his irritation since there was nothing he could do about it. 

He actually felt himself blushing as the bottom half of her appeared from behind the kitchen counter and he realized she’d kicked off her pants somewhere along the line. He’d seen much, much more than that observing his previous targets, so he didn’t get why the sight of panties had him blushing like a schoolboy. No matter how cute she looked in the flimsy scraps of blue lace. He shook his head as if to clear all of his wayward thoughts and refocused on his task.

With his earpiece, he could hear her singing (if what she was doing could be called that) along with some music. He’d bugged her apartment on Sunday while she’d been at the cafe down the road working on her day off. There had been nothing much of interest from this either. No phone calls except when she ordered takeout, her cat Misha was talkative as hell, and she had a cute voice when she wasn’t singing. 

He set his gear down and sat back in the chair he’d set up on the rooftop opposite her apartment building. He chewed on his bottom lip as he contemplated his choices. He was ninety-nine percent certain that this target was an innocent, but he’d do one last apartment sweep to be sure. Then he’d go to the boss tomorrow with his suspicions. He sent a mission update to headquarters, took a short nap as he waited for her to go to bed, then made the familiar trek to her apartment. 

Kihyun let himself in using the key he’d made earlier in the week, closing the door with a barely audible creak. Misha the cat curled himself around Kihyun’s leg in greeting, recognizing him from earlier visits. He leaned down and scratched the cat’s ears a bit before pulling his night vision goggles down over his eyes. He crept around the apartment like a ghost, searching every visible cabinet, drawer, window sill, all the usual suspects for hiding suspicious information. Finding nothing in the living room or kitchen, he decided it was time to hit up the bedroom. This part was going to be tricky considering she was still home, but he had no doubt he could pull it off. 

He put everything back in its proper place, only complaining a few times about the layers of dust and drawers full of junk. Just when he turned to walk down the hallway, the light turned on, illuminating the female leaning casually against the wall with crossed arms. 

“The last Assassin they sent was cuter.”

“This is awkward,” Kihyun muttered as he lifted his goggles off. The errant thought that she was even cuter up close ran through his mind as he observed her. He wasn’t really sure where to go from here. He’d never been caught by surprise before. Does he try to make a run for it? Taze her? Throw the cat as a distraction? 

“First of all, ouch. Secondly, don’t worry I’m not going to hurt you...wait, the last Assassin? Are you saying there have been other orders on you and you’ve survived?” Kihyun asked in surprise. She merely sighed and gestured towards the couch. When they were both sitting, she began observing him from head to toe. He felt like she peering into his very soul, and he wondered what she saw. 

“You’re the sixth in the two years since I inherited. A couple were brave and tried to take me out in broad daylight, but security got ahold of them. The rest I’ve been able to pay off. So how much do you want?” She sighed wearily and pulled out her phone, bringing up the bank app. 

Kihyun grimaced as he processed this new information. He waved the phone away and with a frown of her own, she put it back in her pocket. 

“Do you have any suspicions as to who is giving the order?”

“I do.”

“And...?”

“And I haven’t found proof it’s them yet. Even if I do, I don’t know what I’ll do with it. They are...close to me. I never would have thought them capable of this.” She sighed, rubbing her forehead. Kihyun wanted to smooth the crinkles between her eyes. 

“Look, they made a huge mistake this time. They picked the wrong assassin for this. Yes, technically I...well for lack of a better description...kill for money. However, we only take out the people that deserve it. The people that are so vile they can barely even be called human.” He stared, observing every emotion shining through her eyes as he explained. 

“Are you guilty of the crimes of which you have been accused? Sex Trade, Child Labor, extortion, etc.?” He asked her calmly as he held eye contact. 

“No, of course not!” She looked genuinely horrified.

“Okay,” he responded breezily as he tapped his thigh to call Misha. 

“Okay? That’s it? So you believe me just like that?” 

“Mmmhmm.” He responded as he pets the purring cat. “To be honest, I’ve been looking into your case for a week now. I already thought you were innocent. This was just one last sweep before I reported back to my boss.”

“So without a shred of proof you’re just going to listen to me when I say I’m innocent? You’re not very good at this job, are you?” She laughs, the tension slowly leaving her shoulders as she recognizes he’s not going to hurt her. 

“On the contrary, sweetheart, I’m one of the best if not the best. Also, I can spot a liar in an instant. Perks from my day job. Speaking of, I have to get going. Can I leave peacefully, or did you want to try calling the cops or something?”

“The assassin is offering to let me call the cops on him? You really suck at this job. You let me go, so shouldn’t I do the same? Besides, Misha likes you, so you can’t be all bad.” She giggled, and he decides that was one of the most beautiful sounds in the world. Kihyun looked at her in wonder, grinning a bit as he shakes his head.

“What?” She huffed. 

“It’s just funny is all. You expect someone to scream or beat you up with a frying pan at least when the assassin word starts getting thrown around. You’re acting like I’m just some dude that showed up for a cup of tea.” 

“Would beating you with a pan help my situation? I have plenty.” She smirked. 

Kihyun chuckled. “Touche.” 

Kihyun pushes the cat off of his leg and stands up. His gaze roams her face as if it might be the last time, although he was sure he’d see her again. 

“I have to tell headquarters about this situation. Do you want me to help find your proof? I know you think it’s someone close to you that you don’t seem to want to do anything about, but you have to think logically. They’ve straight up hired someone to kill you six times. It doesn’t sound like they are going to stop anytime soon. I’m going to make a wild guess here. Stepmom and Stepbrother?”

Her sharp, indrawn breath was all the answer he needed. He sighed and nodded. “It’s almost disappointing that it’s so cliche. Did they not inherit anything?” 

“They got the main house and allowances. Very, very generous allowances. They don’t need to lift a finger for the rest of their lives. Unless they somehow think they’d inherit the business, there is nothing else to be gained from killing me.” 

Kihyun picked up on the keyword of somehow. “Are you saying they wouldn’t? Who would it go to then?”

“Until I have children of my own, it’s some distant cousin. Not really sure. The board keeps the information, and since I never planned on kicking the bucket anytime soon, I never bothered to look into it. I figured they’d probably show up asking for money sooner or later, and then I’d learn all about them.” 

Kihyun nods as he takes in this new information. He’d look more into it when he got a chance. 

“I’m going to head out, sweetheart. I’ll stop by when I learn more. I might even knock next time. Bye, Misha.” 

“You’re a weird assassin.” She grumbled, but he noticed she was fighting off a grin. Damn, he wanted to kiss her. 

NOPE NOPE. Stay on target. 

“Mmhmm. Also, you might want to try closing your curtains from time to time. Blue is definitely your color.” He threw in, chuckling as he closed the door on her blushing face. 

[weddingjewelers]

Instagram provides the capacity to share great deal of gorgeous details:…

Instagram provides the capacity to share great deal of gorgeous details:…

New haircuts, extravagant dinners, awe-inspiring getaways; but we skip on the crucial, wider traits. That we don’t want children, or are enthusiastic about our exes, or want to move never a lot more than five full minutes at home.

That right there clearly was why dating apps occur. They don’t enable you to skip during these things; you describe your self (in terms, perhaps perhaps perhaps not just photos), you tell individuals what you’re looking for, you list your goals. This would imply that tried-and-true online dating sites are safer, and are better – so why is Instagram doing this kind of good work?

While there’s yet become any research that is specific Insta-dating effectiveness to that particular of conventional internet dating sites, there’s no arguing that is a bona fide trend. There’s no shortage of online suggestions about simple tips to utilize Instagram to locate a substantial other. Further evidence are apps like Kisstagram (HotOrNot for Instagram) and InstaDating (no description required) to help make your motives more formal.

Yet intentions that are obscured engage in the appeal. With a normal relationship software, you all understand why you’re there – to find somebody, to guage each other being a potential mate. It is like planning to speed dating versus a club; you’re perhaps not looking to happen upon some body, you’re particularly try to find them. Instagram is much more spontaneous, more happen-stance than that. Also if you should be actively searching, no body however you has to understand.

You can argue the exact same holds true of Facebook – except so it’s perhaps not, and you’d be wrong. Arbitrarily friending some body on Twitter is forward and foreign; doing it on Instagram is par for the program. You want everything you see on Facebook, which can be frequently nothing but a profile image and perhaps a couple of other odds and ends; on Instagram, you prefer just exactly exactly what somebody else is seeing. This little barrier – he likes my pictures, my imagination, my funny captions – makes us more content. It’s much more coy.

Not merely are intimate relationships being made on Instagram, but friendships are way too. “I’ve made a lot of buddies through Instagram, ” claims photographer and creator regarding the popular hashtag task #storyportrait, Branden Harvey. “The first-time we actually made buddies via Instagram had been enough time we arbitrarily decided to road visit to Seattle from Portland for a week-end of hiking, eating, and adventuring. I made several of my close friends on that journey. Most of us talk on nearly a day-to-day basis. ”

Harvey’s present roomie, Ian Pratt, had been a pal he came across on Instagram. While photographing a conference in Portland, Pratt approached Harvey and stated the five little terms we all like to know (whether we acknowledge it or not): “I follow you on Instagram. ”

A post provided by Branden Harvey (@brandenharvey) on Mar 24, 2013 at 8:18pm PDT

“He invited me personally to have morning meal at a couple of other buddies to his home several times later on. We quickly built a friendship that is strong” claims Harvey.

Come july 1st, he’s attending the marriage of their buddies Carter and Brooke – a couple of who their only interactions with have now been via Instagram.

And also as we’ve recently seen, the Instagram community will rally around a great love story – and Lafargue and Wisdom are scarcely the actual only real ones who discovered and reported their love utilizing the software. Peter Cowans and Zitta John Cowans used one another on Instagram for a long time, he residing in the U.K., she in Oklahoma, developing emotions for starters another from afar and eventually engaged and getting married earlier this October.

“It had been couple of years of us both playing it truly cool, ” Peter informs me. Both he and Zitta remember the way they wants photos or keep reviews, but before they actually spoke that it was six months. They’re currently trying to return through their Instagram account task, searching through hashtags and queries, to determine what picture it absolutely was they “met” through.

“She had been enthusiastic about my account over FaceTime because I didn’t take loads of pictures of myself standing in front of the mirror, and I was interested in her’s because she’s fucking gorgeous, ” he confessed to me. The newlyweds, obviously enamored with each other and sharing a cam, held fingers the time that is whole.

Peter defines their wife’s Instagram account as fascinating and genuine. “I have a look at her life as one thing I’ve never envisioned or dreamed; a thing that beautiful and colorful. ”

“Following her ended up being like after a hollywood. ”

Zitta explained the odd truth of a attraction through Instagram. “It’s this little crush, where there’s this individual as well as because it’s like this separate reality though you might date other people, it’s OK. This crush on the reverse side regarding the global globe. ”

Ultimately they hit up a long-distance love. Their tale resonated with many supporters that Peter created an account that is second the wedding planning – the afternoon Zitta’s gown had been finished, the afternoon her ring arrived in, once they travelled to Las Vegas – and also other items of their life together.

Perhaps dozens of images that are aspirational really making us get to be the individuals we Instagram become.

The two say they’ve came across numerous partners who additionally came across over Instagram, and make use of the application to gather and share their everyday lives. The help goes further: residing a huge number of kilometers aside and simply hitched, Zitta chose to begin a campaign that is gofundme try to raise cash to see her spouse. While family and friends donated, so strangers that are did had followed their tale. “There were four contributors we’ve never had interaction with; one girl provided us $50, ” says Cowans. The couple additionally auctioned off products from their wedding to invest in their travels to fulfill one another, which Instagram followers bid on.

That feeling of community is really what is therefore vital to Instagram’s success. It is not only concerning the people who meet, or whom find motivation in one person’s pictures. It’s concerning the vast, global community that’s being produced round the system.

“I think a few things donate to Instagram being great at linking individuals in actual life, ” claims Harvey. “One is it is a platform that is visual with individuals whom appreciate beauty and adventure. Lots of Instagrammers have that in keeping. Similarly, once you share an experience that is grand somebody, you form a stronger relationship with them. ”

And it is it ever embarrassing, fulfilling therefore strangers that are many flavor in shareable photos is one of you understand about them? “Honestly, we can’t think about a time that is single had an embarrassing encounter with individuals we met through Instagram, ” claims Harvey. Possibly that’s since they understand when you should manage to get thier faces out of phones.

“Sometimes while spending time with other friends whom utilize Instagram, we produce a aware choice to show our phones off and select not to ever talk about the software of course you like a great deal. Our relationship goes beyond a straightforward iPhone app. ”

Possibly dozens of aspirational pictures are really making us end up being the individuals we Instagram to be. Perhaps all these love stories and friendships spurred by the application happen ourselves and our lives, and then we work to epitomize them because we show people the best pieces of. Perhaps seeing is thinking, and now we connect with, trust fall and– in love – with individuals through visuals much better than we do contrived sentences in questionnaire type.

But http://datingmentor.org/seeking-arrangement-review exactly what better method to explore this trend than to live it? I made a decision to make contact with Harvey, who I’ve followed for over a 12 months now and whom follows me personally on instagram. We often shoot him an email whenever I’m focusing on story about Instagram, but we’d never ever really met up despite having roots into the Northwest and staying in and around Portland. While our intentions aren’t intimate here, the procedure is the exact same: We observed and approval that is double-tapped of other’s pictures; then we emailed; then exchanged figures. Then we had coffee.

We, obviously, discussed Instagram – but I also found out he’s through the populous town where my cousin simply graduated from veterinarian school, and then we both choose Canons. We want to travel, but the western shore still is like house. Fulfilling up wasn’t uncomfortable, or contrived – which will be something online daters frequently complain about. Simply a couple whom first saw odds and ends of 1 another’s life through their eyes before decided that a actual life friendship (or maybe more) could be just like Instagram-worthy.

A post provided by Molly McHugh (@mollygrams) on Nov 18, 2013 at 9:14am PST

[elliegratrick-blog]

5 Guest Speakers

Al Murphy 

Al Murphy gave a light hearted and honest look at where his creative journey has taken him, showing both the high and lows. He was funny and eased my stresses about life after graduation. He reassured that we don’t need to have it all figured out in three years. It’s a constant learning process of growing and improving, building on your skills. If you do make a piece of work, in six months you’ll probably hate it! The strong message throughout his talk is to be maintain your own individuality, be yourself rather than catering to what you THINK people will like. Most of the time it will end up looking like shit! This is what he explained happened during his ‘art school wobble’, which I think all of us creatives go through at some point. The advice he gave that its ok to not know where you’re headed I think gave the room some relief. It took him 5 years to finally have the eureka moment and have confidence in his own style and perspective. Something I found useful what he said is that what YOU like drawing can be translated into a professional setting like an editorial or advertising.  This I felt was reassurance as sometimes I worry my work is too ‘weird’ looking for mainstream consumers and won’t get me hired in future. It eases these worries and affirmation I should keep drawing these bizarre looking characters and that they can work for both the personal or professional. Some of his personal work he created which was huge billboard advertisements led to him being hired to create a mural in a bar. Still doing what he loves but getting out of his space and taking a risk with these billboards expanded his creative and professional horizons.

A lot of the companies he worked with like Specsavers and Perrier I would never have thought about being involved in the creative sphere. Again, this is an affirmation that there are many jobs in the creative industry, despite what your (insert family member that hates art) might say!

Simon Spilsbury

Without saying much, Simon Spilsbury just started manically drawing to the Foo Fighters. It was quite a shock as you don’t often see many illustrators with the confidence to draw live in front of an audience. He seemed quite negative with the rhetoric of ‘young people= Instagram obsessed’. I didn’t agree with this view point, I enjoy being inspired by other creatives work from across the country and world and engaging with them, creating a positive space. I feel possibly this comes from a generational gap and traditional upbringing. From an upbringing in fine art, realistic copying transitioning into illustration later in life. This resonated with how my creative path has gone: believing ‘good art’ was how well you could replicate a photograph with oil paint transitioning to a more freeing and expressive illustrative style. He stressed how important it is to always draw. I have personally noticed this difference in my own style when I draw most days compared to when I hardly drew at all. Simon started in his first job for advertising that then led on to illustrating.What he learnt from advertising was a lesson in collaboration, a future skill necessary for all creative for working with brands, customers and art directors.

A nice way of saying it was that he was ‘honest’ about life in the creative industry. There wasn't many positives which for some may have been worrying. I also found that explaining how to draw wasn’t that relevant as many of us have our own personal voice which his instructions didn’t relate to. I needed more process/professional advice. 

I found the way he explained ideas creation interesting, I could never put it into words myself. Take one idea and feed them into something else, collisions of separate ideas. E.g a normal chair but then combine it with a frog= a froggy chair. You shouldn’t have any preconceived ideas before you start. Thinking freely means a wobby line can become a skeleton for a character which you can build the figure on top. I feel this is a useful tip as a lot of illustrators including myself overthink “is it right?”. You define it for yourself. His talk ended with a ‘rap’. I say rap lightly… maybe just keep it for Christmas when you’ve had one too many!

Lyndon Hayes

Lyndon has been our tutor this module, travelling up from London every Thursday to come chat to us and see our work. Lyndon does a lot of editorial illustrations and reportage style illustrations. He did a talk for us, explaining his work and the advice that comes from being in the industry 20 years.  He has a passion for painting (which he still does in his spare time) which is where his work started. Creating pieces on found surfaces, wood, textures anything you can find in the skips with his painted figures. Many of his paintings including ones done at a boxing club, had this exposed sections without paint, highlighting the found material’s surface texture. I found these pieces really exciting as I seem to always be drawn to texture and painting was always my first love. You can see his inspirations of Hockey in these pieces. These paintings began to catch the attention of various newspapers who wanted this painterly style in their editorials. This is what most of his portfolio consists of. His illustrations are now digitally done but still have the painterly quality. They have a bolder line and often more paired down background with a restricted colour palette.

He told us the importance of keeping drawing for yourself, in his spare time he does observational drawings around London, a more reportage style. By building up his sketchbook and regularly posting these on Instagram and his own website lead to professional work. Keeping things fresh may lead to opportunities you’d never expect.

He said there are high and lows, sometimes there is lots of commissions sometimes there are lulls. These lulls are times to maintain your own personal projects. One of the regular commissions he gets is to illustrate Observer Food Monthly where a celebrity is interviewed on their favourite place to eat. These regular jobs provide steady incomes.

It’s reassuring that there can be (some) stability in a career and some creatives’ rent money is just made up of commission work. (If you can get it!)

Kirk Brown

Kirk Brown was a recently graduated alumni of the University. Finishing his degree in graphic design only a couple of years ago. Whilst at uni, he said he entered into all the competitions he could, putting in hard work to do well both in his uni projects but other personal projects as well. He spoke of the usefulness of Linkedin in finding commissioned work whilst still studying. I’d never really thought it was for creatives, more for people in ‘business’ but it couldn’t hurt to put myself on there. If nothing comes from it, I’ve not lost out anything.  Since graduating he has gone from graphic design to being a Creative Lead at SQN: a PR, sponsorship and marketing agency in areas such as sport, technology and automotives. This didn’t happen overnight. He mentioned how he worked for a couple of years at a smaller company before moving to this larger one. He says that smaller companies there is more creative control compared to larger ones there are stricter boundaries but more budget avaliable. I wasn’t sure if this talk was going to be relevant to me however this information was useful. For example if I was hired as an inhouse illustrator depending on the company size would depend on the creative control I could utilise. Businesses that I may not ever imagine I would work for may commission work like how areas such as racing/ sports etc needs creative teams to help them!

When presenting ideas he recommends putting up a substantial amount to give clients a variety to choose from as well as a wildcard that pushes client guidelines. They may even pick it! Be precious about work as if you bodge an idea and its not so good, a client may pick it and you’ll be stuck working with it. This is something to take forward. Don’t just half arse an idea to make up the numbers. Take care and to think about what you’re coming up with.

Neil Sheakey

Neil Sheakey is a design director at Uniform  in Liverpool. It is a multidisciplinary creative agency where all work is done in house. It’s made up of a global family of diverse backgrounds. There was a lot of waffling and jargon and what I got from it is that is a PR agency that uses creative solutions, branding, design and advertising to make businesses stand out in a world that is all morphing into one. The talk lasted a long time with my back going into some other worldly pain so it was a bit difficult to concentrate in this talk. 

He spoke a lot about his life before graduating and the journey that took him to Uniform.  The creative process they use there is empathy-perspective-direction-creative-action. This means taking the time to consider clients and businesses and their perspectives. To start creative ideas the team mood board initial ideas as well as those related to the concept. The benefit of working in a team of people each with different disciplines is that they all have unique perspectives of how to tackle a project. Combining these all together creates successful pieces of work such as Mitre football designs (for what football competition? League? Game? I have no idea?). 

What he recommends for our time at university is to make the most of our time. Getting our work out there on places like Behance or even Instagram is going to benefit you. By exploring, experimenting with techniques and process at uni we can find our voice, collaborate with others and there is no pressure like you would have in an agency once you graduate. What I found the most useful piece of advice is that you need to look after yourself, be yourself and enjoy it! At the end of the day you are the most important person in your life, you won’t make your best work if you are not caring for yourself.

[linkspooky]

What do you thought between kaneki n touka and furuta n rize? I dont why for me there so similiar but at the same time so contrast each other. Ah im not question it for ship, just character interest or i dont know what i should call it

Kaneki, Touka, Furuta and Rize form a nice square of foils that arranges itself neatly like this. I was even able to draw a chart for you. 

This is stuff I want to work on for a later post so I’m going to be more concise with this one.

Kaneki vs Furuta

Kaneki and Furuta’s current selves are both defined by a contrast to an extreme selflessness earlier in their lives. Furuta had one good thing about his early life as a Washuu child, somehow he was able to love one person despite being born completely unloved. 

Yet, he gave that up. Despite the actions of his adult self, his childhood self’s action is still one of pure selflessness and love. 

Perhaps too pure, so much so it was almost destined to be corrupted by his later self. Furuta’s selfishness in his current life is almost a direct response to this action. Even so far as overcompensation. His current self turns completely on his childhood self, as if he’s trying to prove his childhood self wrong for acting that way. 

Rather than a person capable of such acts, capable of letting go, the Furuta we are now presented with is one of ultimate control, who uses literal iron bars to subjuggate the person he once let free. Rather than a child born at the mercy of the Washuu who understood the cruelty of his father and wanted to spare others from it, Furuta steps into the exact same position his father once occupied and deals that hurt out to others.

Furuta’s clownish and wildly selfish antics are just that, an act. One to save himself from vulnerability. In his attempt to spare himself from his own emotions though, he reduces all others around him into nothing more than tools. They have no meaning and therefore he has no meaning, and Furuta spares himself from the hardness of his own life.

Furuta is all the negative traits of Kaneki, his extreme selfishness in his world spanning goals, his need for importance to justify the tragedy that happened to him, his habit of using others as objects. In Kaneki these habits still appear but much more lukewarm as they are expressed in the midst of a full persona rather than a concentrated antagonist. I always find it funny that Kaneki looks so bored when he’s told Furuta is running a revolution against the Washuu family for basically what is his own twisted  childhood romance, considering Kaneki not even fifteen chapters later says this.

Kaneki says in the same conversation that he’s willing to fight for all of ghouls kind, and that he also does not care at all for people unless they’re directly in front of him. His entire motivation for running a ghoul revolution then, is about ten or so people that he knew for about six months at most. 

The reasons look small and petty when you zoom out from Furuta and Kaneki’s perspective, but at the same time inside their own heads you can see why these people, these few brief moments of happiness in their otherwise miserable lives are reasons they see for fighting the entire world over.

Kaneki too is, afraid of being vulnerable, afraid of being weaker than the situations around him but most of all afraid of being abandoned again and therefore seeks to control the people around him in passive ways. 

Kaneki is always the first to abandon, with no warning or no explanation for himself. He always says it’s for the safety of the other one, but in reality it’s to spare his own feelings of having his agency ripped away, of losing them suddenly just like he lost his mother.

Kaneki himself once devoted himself to trying to live as selflessly as possible, but one day he snapped and became far more selfish to overcompensate. Whether this happened specifically with Yamori, or even before that is ambiguous but Kaneki’s current self is devoted almost entirely to his own ego and support. In a way then, Kaneki sees the people around him as symbols for himself and conjures them up inside his own head, Rize is his strength, Hide is his hope, Yamori is his evils. 

He assumes himself the point at which the universe turns just like Furuta, and just like Furuta is willing to take on revolutions with thousands of lives at stake for as petty a reason as finding his own reason to live. Which is why despite having massive amounts of empathy Kaneki is rarely ever able to make proper use of it. Because everything to him is always filtered through the lens of Kaneki. His passive action is to treat others as if they were support characters in his own tragic novel, to focus on those who validate his own existence over all else.

Rize vs Touka

Rize and Touka however are more interesting on how opposite they are. This is going to be shorter because Rize isn’t really allowed to be a character so much as a collection of traits that other people project onto, but I’ll try nonentheless. One important thing I want to observe is that originally there was no Rize in the oneshot version of Tokyo Ghoul. Instead Touka took up the role of what was basically the binge eater that Kaneki came in contact with. 

That trait was obviously shed from Touka, and split off into a character entirely of her own in the form of Rize. Being Kaneki’s two main love interests Rize and Touka are obviously set up to foil each other but I see little on comparing them. Perhaps because they’re not similiar enough to be considered classic foils. They do have some similarities.

In the manga Touka’s introduction to her real self rather than her cafe persona is in tearing apart a molester in a Rize like fashion, mostly due to losing her own temper. 

If there is a similarity between the two of them, they both tend to get violently angry and lash out physically at convenient targets. Touka was angry at the whole of the CCG, but only lashed out by picking a few select agents. Rize was angry at the existence of the Washuu and the birdcage she was born into, but rather than directly fighting against them she merely picked off male targets that most likely represented to her the Washuu as a hobby to cure her so called ‘boredom’. 

Of course there is a world of difference in how these two women express their primary anger they feel as a core part of their being. Touka does everything she can to suppress it and appear human, even to go so far as to eat food she could have easily thrown away when no other human being is looking at her. 

Rize would never do something like that in a million years, she actively resented the restrictions ghouls had to play to in order to pass as humans. While Touka wants to conform, Rize hates all rules, even the ones that make sense as to not attract Doves.

They both are women fueled by a fundamental anger but deal with it in a drastically opposite approach. Another minute detail is that after losing their homes, both Touka and Rize were adopted by secondary father figures. Rize had Shachi and Touka had Yoshimura, who also were both established as old friends. 

This is something that for the most part didn’t happen to both Kaneki and Furuta. Kaneki’s aunt who took him in only worsened his abuse, and Furuta was left in the garden alone after Rize fled. Perhaps that’s why the girls in this foil square are able to handle loneliness substantially better, while both boys are near suicidal from lack substantial love given in their lives. 

The Two Pairs of Foils

If you line up the two of them as a pair then, you have one pair defined by extreme selifshness and extreme selflessness.

Rize only used the freedom that Furuta gave her to indulge in herself, while thinking nothing of him. She turned her back on him fully and instead of making something for her life, she only indulged, and indulged building atop the corpses of others. Rather than try to fight for the freedom she seemed to care about so much for ghouls, she became nothing more than a serial killer basically who caused troubles for other ghouls. 

Furuta also, lost the childhood care he had for Rize and slowly only came to care about her through the lens of how she made him feel. Rize made him feel anxiety, Rize made him feel worry for her sake, or perhaps Rize just made him feel in general. As Rize turned away from him, Furuta too, turned away from her and eventually only sought to control her.

Then you have Touka and Kaneki, the couple that stands on opposite ends of the bridge. The great obstacle in their relationship, despite too coming from similiar places of origin just like Rize and Furuta. As both Kaneki and Touka are orphans, with abandonment complexes who therefore have their primary fear as losing epople. 

They both adapt to this fear in their own way. Kaneki pushes people away while attempting to fight for them, so he can feel validation from them in some indirect way. While this is selfishly motivated, Kaneki running himself into the ground, to near insanity merely trying to protect others is selflesss, an action he tries to do for others.

Touka herself who waited for three years, who chose the route of pasivity like Yoshimura to an extent. Refusing to act directly yet at the same time waiting all that time hoping that he will come back to the cafe.

Both of them were being selfless and trying to think of others, but neither of them were able to get closer that way. It’s only when Kaneki and Touka both acted on their selfish desires, when Kaneki spoke of his fear of losing others when Touka admitted she wanted to be by his side more than to wait at home for him to return did they actually get closer. 

[neuroticfishbish]

Everyone I know is broken-hearted

All the genuinely smart, talented, funny people I know seem to be miserable these days. You feel it on Tumblr more than Facebook, because Facebook is where you go to do your performance art where you pretend to be a hip, urban person with the most awesomest friends and the best relationships and the very best lunches ever. Facebook is surface; Tumblr is subtext, and judging by what I’ve seen, the subtext is aching sadness. I’m not immune to this. I don’t remember ever feeling this miserable and depressed in my life, this sense of futility that makes you wish you’d simply go numb and not care anymore. I think a lot about killing myself these days. Don’t worry, I’m not going to do it and this isn’t a cry for help. But I wake up and think: fuck, more of this? Really? How much more? And is it really worth it? In my case, much of it stems from my childhood experiences and the collapse of the many relationships I had. But that’s not really the cause I think that those relationships were bulwarks, charms against the dark I’ve felt growing in this world for a long time now. When I was in love, the world outside didn’t matter so much. But without it, there is nothing keeping the wolf from the door. It's not to say I do not have good or kind people in my life, because I do. More than I deserve. It always used to be like this. Life sucked when I was young and I was unhappy then too. But there was always the sense that it was just a temporary thing, that if I stuck it out eventually the world was going to get better — become awesome, in fact. But here I am, and things aren't getting better I'm just getting older. I became an adolescent at the time Music was ushering in a decade of “slacker” ideology, as the pundits liked to put it. But the reality is that I didn’t know a whole lot of actual slackers in the until my early 20's I did know a lot of people who found themselves disillusioned with the materialism of the 1990s and what we saw as the failed rhetoric of the Sixties generation, who were all about peace and love right until the time they put on suits and ties and figured out how to divide up the world. I knew a lot of people who weren’t very interested in that path. The joke, of course, is that every generation kills the thing they love. The hippies became yuppies; Gen X talked a lot about the revolution, and then went and got themselves some venture capital and started laying into place the oversaturated, paranoid world we live in now. A lot of them tried to tell themselves they were still punk as fuck, but it’s hard to morally reconcile the thing where you listen to Fugazi on the way to your job where you help find new ways to trick people into giving up their data to advertisers. Most people don’t even bother. They just compartmentalize. And then the World Trade Center went down. And all of a sudden calling yourself an “anticapitalist terrorist” was no longer a cool posture to psych yourself up for protest. It became something you might go to jail for — or worse, to one of the Black Camps on some shithole island somewhere. Corporate capitalism became conflated somehow with patriotism. And the idea that the things you own end up defining you became quaint, as ridiculous spoken aloud as “tune in, turn on, drop out”. In fact, it became a positive: if you bought the right laptop, the right smartphone, the right backpack, exciting strangers would want to have sex with you! It’s no wonder that Gen X began seeking the largely mythological stability of their forebearers; to stop fucking around and eating mushrooms at the Rage Against The Machine show, and to try and root yourself. Get a decent car — something you can pass off as utilitarian — and a solid career. Put your babies in Black Flag onesies, but make sure their stroller is more high tech than anything mankind ever took to the Moon, because that wolf is always at the door. And buy yourself a house, because property is always valuable. Even if you don’t have the credit, because there’s this thing called a “subprime mortgage” you can get now! But the world changed again. And kept changing. So now you’ve got this degree that’s worth fuck-all, a house that’s worth more as scrap lumber than as a substantial investment, and you’re either going to lose your job or have to do the work of two people, because there’s a recession on. Except they keep saying the recession ended, so why are you still working twice as hard for the same amount of money? We started two wars, only one of them even marginally justifiable, and thousands and thousands of people died. Some of them were Americans, most of them weren’t. The world hated us again. It’s psychically oppressive to realize you’re the bad guy. Of course, for a lot of the world, America had always been the bad guy…but we didn’t really know that before, because we didn’t have the Internet in our pocket, to be pulled out at every lunch break and before the meal came and when the episode of Scrubs on TV dragged a little, and before bed. We were encouraged to immerse ourselves in the endless flow of information, to become better informed, because knowing more about the world made us better people. And maybe it did, but it also made us haunted people. Yesterday morning, when I woke up, I clicked on a video in my Tumblr feed that showed mutilated children being dragged from the streets of Gaza. And I started sobbing — just sobbing, sitting there in my bed with the covers around my waist, saying “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” over and over to the empty room. Dead children, torn to bits. And then it was time for…what? Get up, eat my cereal, go about my day? Every day? So you’re haunted, and you’re outraged, and you go on Twitter and you go on Facebook and you change your avatar or your profile picture to a slogan somebody thoughtfully made for you, so that you can show the world that you’re watching, that you care, that it matters. But if you’re at all observant, you begin to realize after a while that it doesn’t matter; that your opinion matters for very little in the world. You voted for Obama, because Obama was about hope and change; except he seems to be mostly about hope and change for rich people, and not about hope at all for the people who are killed by American drones or who are locked away without trial in American internment camps or who are prosecuted because they stand up and tell the truth about their employers. There does seem to be a lot of hope and change in Fort Meade and Langley, though, where the NSA and CIA are given more and more leeway to spy on everyone in the world, including American citizens, not for what they’ve done but what they might do. And the rest of the world? They keep making more dead children. They slaughter each other in the streets of Baghdad and Libya and Gaza and Tel Aviv; they slaughter each other in the hills of Syria; and, increasingly, they slaughter each other in American schools and movie theaters and college campuses. And when you speak up about that — when you write to your Congressperson to say that you believe in, say, stricter control on the purchase of assault weapons, or limiting the rights of corporations to do astonishing environmental damage, or not sending billions of dollars to the kind of people who think it’s funny to launch missiles filled with flechette rounds into the middle of schools where children huddle together — you’re told that, no, you’re the fascist: that people have the right to defend themselves and make money, and that those rights trump your right to not be killed by some fucking lunatic when you’re waiting in line at Chipotle to grab a chicken burrito, and your right to not be able to light your tapwater on fire with a Zippo because of the chemicals in it, or not to end up in a grainy YouTube video while some demented religious fanatic hacks your head off with a rusty bayonet because your country — not you, but who’s counting — is the Great Satan. And the music sucks. Dear God, the music sucks. Witless, vapid bullshit that makes the worst airheaded wannabe profundities of the grunge era look like the collected works of Thomas Locke. Half the songs on the radio aren’t anything more than a looped 808 beat and some dude grunting and occasionally talking about how he likes to fuck bitches in the ass. The other half are grown-ass adults singing about their stunted, adolescent romantic ideals and playing a goddamn washtub while dressed like extras from The Waltons. The music sucks. The movies suck — I mean, they didn’t suck the first time they came out, in the 1980s, but the remakes and gritty reboots and decades-past-their-sell-by-date sequels suck. Indiana Jones is awesome, but nobody needs to see a geriatric Harrison Ford, lured out of retirement by the promise of building another mansion onto his mansion, running around with fucking Shia LeBeouf in the jungle. And besides, we’re all media experts now; we can spot the merchandising nods from the trailer all the way to the final credits. There’s no magic left. It’s just another company figuring out a way to suck the very last molecules of profit out of the things we cherish, because that’s what corporations do. Everything is branded. Even people. People are “personal brands”, despite the fact that, by and large, you can’t figure out what most of them are actually even good for. They just exist to be snarky and post selfies and demand that you buy something, anything, with their picture on it. You actually know who Kim Kardashian is. In an ideal world, you’d be as unaware of her existence as you are of the names of the Chinese kids who made the futurephone or featherweight laptop you’re almost certainly reading this on. In an ideal world, Kim Kardashian would have spent her life getting sport-fucked anonymously by hip-hop stars in some Bel Air mansion, ran a salon, and either died of a coke overdose or Botox poisoning. There is no reason that her face and her life and her tits and her deathless thoughts needed to be foisted upon the world outside of the 90210 ZIP code. Except that somebody figured out that you could make money off showing people the car accident in slow motion, that people would watch that. Sure they will. People love to watch stupid people do stupid things. It makes them feel less stupid. And the Internet. We built this thing — and was part of the generation who took to the new medium like water and have made the majority of our adult lives creating it, to a greater or lesser degree — because we believed it would make things better for everyone. We believed it would give voice to the voiceless, hope to the hopeless, bring us all together, help us to understand and empathize and share with one another. We believed it could tear down the walls. And in a lot of ways it has. But in just as many ways, it has driven us all insane. There’s an old story — I have no idea if it’s true — about monkeys who had the pleasure centers of their brains wired up to a button. Push it, Mr. Monkey, and you have an orgasm. And the monkeys did. They pushed the button and they pushed the button, until they forgot about eating and they forgot about drinking and sleeping and simply fell down and died. What do you do when you first wake up? What do you do as soon as you get into work? After work? Before bed? Hell, some of us wake up in the night and check our feeds, terrified that we’ve missed out on something. We do it because we are given that reward, that stimulus that tells us oooh, a new shiny! It’s the fourteenth Guardians Of The Galaxy trailer, with 200% more Rocket Raccoon! Some fucking null node in Portland made a portrait of every single character from Adventure Time out of bacon and Legos! And, maybe most poisonous, maybe most soul-crushing: somebody said something I don’t like that makes me feel frightened and threatened! It’s time to put on my superhero costume and forward unto battle! Except it doesn’t matter. Because you’re not really changing anybody’s mind. How often does that little skirmish end with anybody changing their mind at all, even a little bit? Or does it just end with one of you invariably either blocking the other or saying something like “You know what, I’m going to stop now, because this is getting out of hand.” Getting out of hand? Everything they told you about how to live in the world when you were a kid is a lie. Education doesn’t matter, not even on paper. Being ethical doesn’t matter. Being a good person doesn’t matter. What matters now is that you’re endlessly capable of the hustle, of bringing in that long green, of being entertaining to enough people that somebody will want to give you money or fuck you or fund your startup. We’re all sharks now; if we stop swimming for just a little too long, we die. We lose followers. We’re lame. We’re not worth funding, or fucking. Because all that matters is the endless churn, the endless parade, the endless cycle of buying and trying to sell and being bought and sold by people who tell you that they’re your friends, man, not like those others. Microsoft is evil and Google is not evil, except when they are, but that’s not really important, and if you decide that maybe you’re tired of being reduced to nothing more than a potential lead for a sales pitch, like something out of a fucking David Mamet play, then you’re a hater and irrelevant and a Luddite. And besides, what would you do with yourself if you weren’t checking Facebook or playing Candy Crush Saga or watching some teenage dumbass smash his genitals on the side of a pool on YouTube? What the fuck would you even do, bro? The comedian Bill Hicks used to do a bit where he invited the advertisers and marketers in his audience to kill themselves. He imagined them turning it into an ad campaign: “Oh, the righteous indignation dollar, that’s a good dollar, Bill’s smart to do that.” He laid out the futility of trying to escape: “I’m just caught in a fucking web,” he’d say. And that’s where we are. You, me, we’re trapped, between being nothing more than consumers, every aspect of our lives quantified and turned into demographic data, or being fucking Amish cavemen drifting into increasing irrelevancy. Because it really does feel like there’s no middle ground anymore, doesn’t it? There’s no way to stay an active, informed citizen of the world without some motherfucker figuring out a way to squirm into your life to try and get a dollar out of you. Only fools expect something for free, and only bigger fools believe they’re anything other than a consumable or a consumer. We didn’t get the William Gibson future where you can live like a stainless steel rat in the walls between the corporate enclaves, tearing at the system from within with your anarchy and your superior knowledge of Unix command lines. Now it’s just pissed off teenagers who blame you because their lives are going to suck a cock and billionaire thugs trying to sell you headphones and handbags, all to a soundtrack of some waterhead muttering “Bubble butt, bubble bubble bubble butt” over and over while a shite beat thumps in the background. I know a lot of people who privately long for an apocalypse of some kind, a breakdown of the ancient Western code, because then they’d either be dead or free. How fucking horrifying is that? But nobody pulls that trigger, because now we’ve all seen what apocalypses look like. We saw Manhattan in 2001 and New Orleans in 2005 and Thailand in 2004 and the Middle East pretty much any given day. Nobody wants to hate, because we’re pummeled with hate every day, by people who are too fucking stupid to understand that the world has passed them by as much as it’s passed by the dude in the Soundgarden t-shirt who still drives around singing along to “Fuck you, I won’t do what you tell me!” on his way to his dead-end job. The best lack all conviction, and the people who are full of passionate intensity? Fuck them. We’re all sick of their shit anyway. And that’s where we are, and is it any goddamn wonder at all that the most profitable drugs sold in America for like a decade running have been antipsychotics? The world seems psychotic. I feel like I need to figure this out, like figuring all of this out and finding new ways to live has become the most important thing I could possibly do, not just for myself and the people I love but for the entire human race. I don’t mean me alone — I’m far too self-loathing to have a messiah complex — but I feel like, for me, this is the best use of my time. Because the world is making me crazy and sad and wanting to just put a gun in my mouth, and it’s doing the same thing to a lot of people who shouldn’t have to feel this way. I don’t believe anymore that the answer lies in more or better tech, or even awareness. I think the only thing that can save us is us. I think we need to find ways to tribe up again, to find each other and put our arms around each other and make that charm against the dark. I don’t mean in any hateful or exclusionary way, of course. But I think like minds need to pull together and pool our resources and rage against the dying of the light. And I do think rage is a component that’s necessary here: a final fundamental fed-up-ness with the bullshit and an unwillingness to give any more ground to the things that are doing us in. To stop being reasonable. To stop being well-behaved. Not to hate those who are hurting us with their greed and psychopathic self-interest, but to simply stop letting them do it. The best way to defeat an enemy is not to destroy them, but to make them irrelevant. I don’t have the answers. I don’t know some truth that I can reveal to everyone. All I can do is hurt, and try to stop hurting, and try to help other people stop hurting. Maybe that’s all any of us can do. But isn’t that something worth devoting yourself to, more than building another retarded app that just puts more nonsense and bullshit into the world? Just finding people to love, and healing each other? I think it is. Until I know more, I’ll just keep holding on. I won’t put the gun in my mouth. Because all of this sadness is worth it if there’s still hope. And I want to still have hope so badly. I still want to believe, in myself, and in you.

[thousandmaths]

Observations from SEICCGTC 2017 Part 2

There were a lot of talks at this conference; while I understood most of them pretty well, there were also many which were not amenable to my taking notes (see Day 1 for the longer explanation). Hence, my usual “Miscellany” posts have become these “Observations”. To keep things brief, I will refrain from giving many background definitions; providing links instead where appropriate.

(More observations: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8)

[ When the presenter’s name does not have an associated link, I could not find an academic website for them. ]

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Tran van Trung, Simple $t$-designs: Recursive Construction Methods for Arbitrary $t$

So, I’m nowhere near a design theorist, and this talk made almost no sense to me. But somewhere in the middle, it occurred to me: man, it sure seems like we’re showing the existence of lots of “generalized designs”. It’s actually possible that this talk represented some of the most groundbreaking work of among any of these presentations...

[EDIT: Okay, I’m keeping the original wording intact because I find it super funny out of context, but: the context is that the existence of ordinary designs was an extremely difficult problem, the question having direct origins in Steiner’s work from the 1850s and remaining unsolved until 2014. The existence of generalized designs is even more difficult, of course, and van Trung didn’t remotely claim to solve the problem. But to the untrained eye (mine), the progress he made seemed quite substantial.]

Khawlah Alhulwah, A Generalization of Line Graphs

In its details, this talk went in a lot of different directions. But at its core was a real gem of an idea. Here is her general framework in which we can understand the line graph: look for copies of pre-prescribed graphs in a given graph, and declare two subgraphs to be adjacent if they interact in a pre-prescribed way. Then create a new graph where the copies are the vertices, with adjacency in the graph the same as this kind of adjacency.

In particular: the line graph works like this when your pre-prescribed graph is $P_2$ (the “one-edge” graph), where adjacency means sharing an endpoint. Alhulwah was primarily interested in the case when the pre-prescribed graph is $P_n$ and adjacency means sharing an endpoint. Personally, because I like to think simplicially, I’d like to see what happens if we have the pre-prescribed graph be $K_n$, with two subgraphs adjacent if they share a $K_{n-1}$.

Stephen Curran, Enumerating Hamiltonian Paths in Cayley Digraphs on the Semidirect Product of Cyclic Groups

I had very high hopes for this talk, but unfortunately it left me in the dust almost immediately. Ultimately, I felt it tried to cram way too damn much into not very much time. Perhaps if I were more skillful at manipulating Cayley graphs it would have been easier. But you know, I’m not exactly a Cayley graph novice, and I did feel somewhat entitled to follow the ideas, at least.

I asked Curran after the talk if there was some nice group-theoretic interpretation of a Hamiltonian path. The answer is “yes”, obviously, but on the spot we weren’t able to come up with anything much past surface level. My own naïve thought is: okay, we need a generating set to make a Cayley graph, so... Coxeter groups systems have a canoncial generating set? Longest word factorizations? idk, just spitballing.

Taoye Zhang, On 1-Hamiltonian Line Graphs of Claw-Free Graphs

A graph is Hamiltonian-connected if there exists a Hamiltonian path between any two vertices This is a very strong condition! But we will demand even more: a graph is 1-Hamiltonian (connected) if removing any vertex (and its incident edges) gives you a graph which is still Hamiltonian connected.

The main result of the talk is that every 4-connected line graph of a claw-free graph is 1-Hamiltonian.

Kyle Meescheidt, A Class of Tricyclic Steiner Triple Systems

I have almost nothing to say about this talk, except that it featured the most ambitious (read: hideous) casework of any talk I remember attending. Also, apparently Skolem sequences tend to be relevant when working with Steiner triple systems, so that’s something, I guess.

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[hbwmilan42580-blog]

Obtaining The Most From Your Baler

Developed to rapidly as well as easily crush as well as compact big volumes of cardboard boxes right into a single bundle, balers have come to be a necessary tool in large as well as retail facility settings. The interest in balers is not surprising offered their ability to help operators save time as well as money while ensuring compliance through the decrease of waste quantity, the extension of pick-up periods, the enhancement of recycling initiatives, enhanced internal efficiency and also strengthened internal safety and security and tidiness.

According to current producer quotes, by condensing and baling garbage on-site with a cardboard baler, facilities can lower trash volume by as much as 90 percent, decrease costs by concerning 50 percent through less frequent pick-ups as well as create income through the ability to sell the baled cardboard to recyclers.

While a baler can give considerable worth, purchasing one can be a major capital expense for several operations. That's why it's essential for company owners to extensively veterinarian their alternatives before purchasing a baler to obtain one of the most value from their equipment.

Selecting the best devices

Although balers can drive fantastic operational performances, they are except every company. Vertical balers work well for retail, office, production as well as various other packaging-intensive procedures that generate one to two bundles of cardboard each day, each considering around 1,000 pounds. Bigger capability straight balers are for greater volume procedures generating one to two of these bundles per hour. Based upon tonnage and rate, baler alternatives go up from there.

Prior to devoting to buying a baler, it is essential for drivers to ensure they have enough room for the device and devices like a pallet jack or forklift to move the bundles as needed up until pick-up. The dimension of the bundle created should likewise be a factor to consider. As an example, the common 60-inch by 30-inch baler produces bales that fit on a typical pallet, but other sizes are available based on certain needs.

Before acquisition, operators ought to generate a supplier for a cost-free waste stream audit to aid answer important questions, like where as well as exactly how waste is accumulated, stored, loaded and also disposed of within the facility, to identify the best complete solution for its needs so decision-makers can choose equipment that is most suitable with its campaigns.

Dealing with a business-friendly hauler is additionally imperative for helping businesses get the most value from their baler. Operators must do their homework and also seek a hauler that will certainly deal with business on the regularity of pickup based on its unique needs. Services need to additionally utilize a third-party index to figure out the fair market price of corrugated cardboard produced for recycling. Commonly, these haulers will use recycling earnings to counter a company's hauling costs.

Needed maintenance

The good news is, today's balers are made to be very easy to make use of as well as resilient-- most balers can stand up to constant use for 10 to 15 years on average. Nonetheless, complying with a basic upkeep routine can play a key duty in shielding this financial investment and also optimizing life span.

The adhering to are some baler maintenance finest techniques:

Bear in mind the fundamentals: Examine the oil weekly for level and also clarity, including oil as needed. No matter timing, the oil should be altered if it scents, appears discolored, consists of water or lacks lubricity when rubbed between the fingers. Evaluate hose pipes, fittings as well as the area around the baler for leaks as well as spills, along with abrasion or cuts, as well as tighten up components as needed. Due to the fact that a baler is hydraulic, a leakage can not only harm the system, yet develop a feasible safety and security risk too.

Walk around the device: Balers run popular environments, and also the toughest tools can rust or create cracks in frameworks, welds and also cyndrical tube mounts. Visually inspecting the device itself (especially for older devices) a minimum of once a week and validating that it is securely mounted will go a long method towards stopping a failure.

Ensure appropriate use the device: Improper filling and/or placing things in a baler that are not planned for that model can lead to premature wear and feasible failing. Operators ought to see to it all personnel understand the designated use the baler and blog post signs (commonly supplied by baler manufacturers) on as well as around the baler to use tips.

Eliminate particles: Foreign items such as dust, particles, grease, dirt and wetness can impair the baler's feature, so it's best to get rid of any kind of accumulation instantly, especially from the power system or platen. Select a baler that places the power device at eye level so it is easily accessible and also simple to solution.

Run the system: Running the system often and observing it with one full cycle periodically makes certain and also validates proper procedure.

Utilize all powers of monitoring: Does something smell funny? Does the baler audio various? Is it running hotter than normal? Anything aberrant can be an indication of difficulty, so it is very important for operators to trust their gut.

Recommended scheduled maintenance methods

Monthly

Oil as well as check safety and security gate chains, master web links, security gateway tracks and assistance angles.

Tighten up cyndrical tube maintaining bolts and also torque to 150 foot pounds

Yearly

Drain pipes, flush and fill up the hydraulic baling machine oil storage tank

Examine all bolts and also tighten as needed

Change the air rest cap and also spin-on filter component

Closely check the structure of the baler for prospective difficulty areas and also tighten up support bolts

Have a certified electrical contractor check electrical connections

Be cognizant of modifications

Although rare, some users choose to make small modifications to their balers. Because even small modifications can influence the risk-free operation or efficiency of the devices, makers advise that all alterations remain in conformity with American National Criteria Institute (ANSI) and also Occupational Safety And Security as well as Wellness Management (OSHA) standards prior to application.

Security initially

Absolutely nothing is much more crucial to the life of a baler or its customer than risk-free procedure. Operators ought to speak with their tools maker about on-site training when a baler is initially installed and also participate in routine refresher courses on safe baler procedures as well as maintenance.

Smart firms not just train brand-new workers, yet additionally possible alternatives and also provide yearly correspondence course for all operators to highlight safe treatments. It's likewise crucial that customers as well as those servicing any type of piece of tools comply with lockout/tagout treatments as described in the owner's guidebook. These treatments not only guarantee appropriate upkeep but enhance as well as urge preferred behaviors to protect those dealing with as well as near the equipment.

Ultimately, getting from forward-thinking suppliers that have actually worked to engineer out feasible safety concerns can also substantially minimize injuries or the requirement for major repair services. Some baler features that can produce safer operations consist of aesthetic signs that help drivers stay clear of overfilling, built-in forklift pockets that allow for safer transportation of the device on a forklift and chains that escape instead of jam the system or allow unsafe build-up of stress if a driver tries to eject a bundle with a shut door.

[jillmckenzie1]

The Silver Lining – Online Dating on the Road

Once upon a time, in a galaxy not so far away, I came across a guy on Bumble who immediately proclaimed in his bio that faith was the number quality that he was looking for in a woman. Okay. He then proceeded to say how much he loved positivity and hated photo filters: “Real is beautiful.” You got it, bud. I second the filter hate train. I mean, I’ll send you a dumbass video of me with cheeseburgers circling around my head, but a hard no on the cat ears for public visibility. In true Stephanie fashion, I led with: “Should I start sending all my Snapchat filter selfies now or later?” (don’t worry, the answer is yes, I do amuse myself). Here’s the part where you sit back, relax, and enjoy the show. His response: “Funny, Funny. I wonder what a vagina looks like filtered? Huh [insert light bulb emoji]. I have an idea. Test it out for us. Send me one both ways. I’ll let you know [insert smiley face emoji].”

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

Yep, this actually happened. Seriously. I responded and questioned why, on any planet in any point in time, he believed this response would be an acceptable way to speak to a woman. Ever. I recall using words like “disgusting” and “degrading” (I’m sure the screenshot is somewhere deep in the abyss of my iPhotos if you need evidence). His response? He was joking. Right. Super funny, dude. Real funny. Report. Block. Terminate. Bye.

If you’re single, you’re not surprised by this story. If you’re in a relationship, I hope to God you are completely astounded. And, while I often think dating apps are the absolute devil, it is also the current means to an end. Are you even a real single person if you are not on a dating app? Not even kidding. Okay, slight over exaggeration, but truly, never in our wildest teen years did us 30-something-year-olds imagine using our phones to score a significant other (AIM, sure, but not our phones).

So, I exist in my current reality. Fact: I’m single. Fact: I’m transient. Fact: I’d like to be in a relationship. Fact: I don’t care whether or not that relationship exists in a transient or stationary state. So, yes, if our vibe is high and you want to hop in the Airstream and explore every end of the earth, great. If you work in a job you love in a city that you call home, ask me to stay. Let’s ride the wave. Together. Because, seriously, doing life with someone who really gets you better than anyone else ever could is the real damn deal.

Back to dating. I don’t think anyone actually dates anymore. I am actually convinced that it’s not really a thing these days. There’s like pre-dating in which you entertain the idea of actually dating. And then there is friend-zoning or jumping deep into the abyss of quasi-matrimony. I speak with experience from the former, not the latter. And, mark my words, “friends with benefits” is so hot right now. I actually went toe-to-toe with two guy friends at a bar last weekend in a pursuit to convince them that the typical Millennial male is more often than not seeking a friend with whom he can simply have sex than an actual committed relationship (let’s just say they didn’t disagree). Because, I actually do believe that most men do not want to sleep around with handfuls of random girls. They seem to be perplexed by their own paradoxical existence of not wanting anything serious (i.e. being forced to attend your grandma’s 80th birthday with you) while simultaneously wanting to have sex as much as humanly possible.

Let me present to you exhibit A.

I moved to Denver in my Airstream last spring. I met a guy on Bumble who happened to be on the way to a bachelor party for the weekend. I assumed we would engage in an hour-long text conversation that would end with him asking me to send nudes or with him sending me a completely unsolicited dick pic (because, yes, as you can assume from the above scenario, guys really do that). I’d tell him to (a) Google a nude, any nude (most certainly not mine), if that’s what he wanted, or (b) I’d cuss him out for exposing himself like a disturbed and arrogant asshole, and I’d add another tally to my list of douchebags found in the wild.

Welp, surprisingly, he proved me wrong. Beyond that, he actually seemed interested in who I was as a human being, and he proceeded to text me non-stop over the course of the weekend. While at a bachelor party (I feel that this detail needs repeating).

So, he returns home three days later and we commit to actually meeting face to face (like, whoa). And, for lack of a better word, it’s flawless. We’re super funny together (priority one), conversation is natural, and chemistry is fire. We hang out for a few weeks, which inevitably leads to sex. Immediately, he drops the bomb: let’s be friends. Let’s. Be. Friends? Oh wait, I’m sorry, correction, let’s be BEST friends. Perfect. Great. Because, I’m really lacking in the best friend department (insert massive eye roll here).

At this point, I assume it will die out. I assume that he used the nice guy “let’s be friends” card in an attempt to save my feelings and he will vanish as quickly as he had appeared. But, no. He quite literally continues to pursue my friendship. For a month he asks me to do nearly everything with him. He also proceeds to pay for everything: climbing, concerts, movies. Let’s note here that he also proceeds to take my clothes off on a semi-regular basis (despite his constant commentary on us needing rules to prevent such happenings). Final bomb: after a Luke Bryan concert, while sitting on a bench enveloped by a Colorado night sky, he tells me that he loves my soul. I’m sorry, what? Like, we are dating, bro. We. Are. DATING. I don’t care what you title me, but let’s call this thing by its Urban Dictionary definition. He follows up this statement with the fact that I simply deserve better. One, I think I am being dumped for the first time without ever actually having been in an established relationship. Two, fuck off. No one gets to tell me what I deserve. I decide that. So, no, I don’t deserve better. You simply deserve less based on your own evaluation of whatever this thing is that we’re doing. Say that, please. Own that.

So, spring came. And, spring went.

Summer roared in like a lion, and I committed myself to rock faces and mountain peaks, two things that I find to be (surprisingly) much more predictable than men. I also dove even deeper into my work (don’t worry, the digital dating gods still delivered amidst my commitment to my professional projects).

Enter exhibit B.

As a freelance creative director and brand strategist, I work remotely for all of my clients. Idaho. California. Kentucky. Texas. I sometimes wonder if I have a subconscious goal to knock off all 50 states. With all that being said, I met a guy in another state who pursued me completely on his own accord. My vision had always been to travel with my Airstream, but I was never 100% certain on dates. This guy gets my number, he uses round-about questions to engage me in some witty banter, and low and behold he says, “Move down here and I’ll fix all your dating problems.” Wow. Bold statement. I like it. So, after a couple months in this state of flirting euphoria, I commit (amongst a sea of many factors, but I’m intrigued by what’s happening here). He calls me pet names and we have running jokes, and if you know me, these are the keys to my heart. So, I’m smitten kitten. Without any expectation of what will actually become of it. If anything.

The point here is that I show up. I have the luxury of saying yes and then doing something about it. I want to be next to him, so I choose that. Because his voice brings this uncanny smile to my face, and when his name appears on my iPhone notifications, there is a simultaneous level of excitement and comfort. He is fireworks, and he is coming home. And the beauty lies not only in the feeling, but also in the reciprocation of the feeling. Because, there is zero bone in my body that has interpreted anything that he’s told me as being untrue.

Until I’m there. Until I’m standing in front of him begging for every inch of contact. And, that alone becomes the culmination of months of aggressive flirting. Me. Begging (like, seriously, just kiss me before I scream). Because he likes me, but he doesn’t know. I’m sorry, what? Yes, he likes me, but he doesn’t know. Because, self-admittedly, he is a tease. And, he likes it, even though he’s not proud of it (his words, not mine). Perfect. Great. Because, my character flaw is not consuming enough water daily. The effect of this flaw on other people: zero.

At this point, I need to clarify two things. One, I respect people who have an awareness about what they do not know. There is nothing wrong with not knowing. I would take harsh honesty over a sugar-coated lie ten times out of ten. My frustration or disappointment or bewilderment exists in the actions that suggest otherwise. I get it, the pursuit is fun, but if you are not ready to take the elk out of the woods after the hunt, then why are you going hunting in the first place? Terrible metaphor, by the way, but rolling with it. Two, I do not believe in forcing anything in life. I spent far too many years making things happen in the pursuit of checking off items from some proverbial checklist (which is entirely bullshit, by the way). So, for someone not to choose me does not devastate my being. Yes, I have feelings. Lots of them. Too many of them, probably (hello, Leo over here). But, in a world where we get to choose everything (for argument’s sake), I’m not into forcing anyone into a choice that involves me.

What I have observed in this last eighteen months of singledom is that no one wants to commit. To anything. There is no need to commit to anything. Most guys are on dating apps to have sex. Okay, rephrase, most guys are on dating apps posing like they want something substantial in order to get sex. I actually have the most respect for bios that read, “If I’m being honest, just looking to hook up.” Bravo. Kudos to you, dude. Because, I have had my own seasons of wanting more and wanting less. And, there is nothing wrong with either choice. There is nothing wrong with existing in either space. It’s the lack of honesty that burns me to my core. Stop flirting with me if it’s not going anywhere. Stop wasting my time. I don’t need more friends off of Bumble, or sliding into my DMs, or through obscure means of getting my phone number. Truly. I’ve reached my lifetime quota after 34 years.

In tandem, what I have observed in the last eighteen months about myself is that I am, most certainly, a lover and believer of words. And, that is the crux. That online dating, or simply just dating, is this whole show of words. That are so easily believed. And it’s just all shit. If I had a dollar for every guy who suggested running away with me in my Airstream, I would have been able to pay straight cash for my new F-150 a few weeks ago. Seriously. There’s one in LA, and a couple in New Jersey, a handful in Texas, and so many in Colorado that I’ve actually stopped counting. Because the minute I say, “Okay, I’m calling you on this statement,” my experience indicates that they can’t live up to it.

Great, tell me all about your fantasies, homeboy, only to ghost two days later (or, better yet, I find out about your undying love for your current girlfriend on your second to last Instagram post from five days ago). Newsflash, smoother operator, this is my actual life over here. Hope you enjoyed your glimpse.

So, yes, I’m attempting to not grow cynical. I’m also attempting to unpack two very real personal questions. One, if a game must be played in order to win the affection of another, and that game requires me to act outside of my normal state, then am I even winning if I do “win?” For example, guy articulates that he doesn’t know if he wants anything. Then, the same guy asks for me to bring him food because he’s stuck at work. I show love through service, so naturally, my being is dying to deliver said food. But, guy advice (based on my current inner circle) is usually, don’t bring him the food: “He’s using you. If he can’t say that he wants you, but is willing to get favors from you, show him that you don’t have time to do him favors without him giving you a respectable level of commitment.” And, this is fair. This actually makes sense. But, still, I deliver the food (yep, that’s me) because, yep, that IS me. And, I don’t want to be anything but myself. Ever.

Two, what is my responsibility to give people space to be honest and themselves but also to guard my own heart in that process? I believe in ease. I believe that there are certain things in life that mysteriously and beautifully fall into place. I’d like to believe that a romantic relationship would unfold in a similar fashion. But, if this guy says he doesn’t know and then proceeds to engage with me in a fashion that suggests otherwise, should I believe his actions or his words? And, the fact that I’m asking that question is my answer, right? If the right person were standing in front of me, I’m confident I wouldn’t have to be choosing between his actions and his words in the first place because there would be an alignment in both areas that carries the level of integrity that I demand for in my own self. Yet, here I am, FaceTiming my best male friend at 7:32pm on a Wednesday night to ask how to respond to the 47th text message from a guy who just doesn’t know what it is that he wants from me, making me perplexed on how to proceed with my own verbiage and actions.

At this point, let’s add the nomadic element to the mix. And, I am quite confident that therein lies a bigger piece to this commitment-phobic puzzle. Because, it is easy to fall into a routine with someone who resides within your city limits and has a similar schedule to your scripted life. It is an entirely different thing to choose a person who has the freedom to leave. To ask someone to stay requires a deeper level of commitment. It means that someone is choosing for me to do life alongside him, and it means that we are taking off into the sunset together or I am abandoning the road to call someone my home. Ultimately, that choice is my desire. Because, the more I embark on adventures alone, the narrower the gap becomes for me to experience those things for the first time with someone else.

And, I’m starting to question whether or not anything is actually beautiful without it being shared, without it being seen through two sets of eyes in the same moment, if anything is real without the conversation of that thing existing between two coherent bodies.

So, I continue to sit and manifest these desires in the belief that, one day, I’ll be done with the exhibits. That, one day, someone will choose me, and I will choose him back. Without force. Without fear. Without the twenty questions. Granted, maybe I’ve already missed out on Mr. Perfect somewhere in between. Because I didn’t like his shoes. Or his haircut was weird. Or, I swiped left because he failed to include a bio (c’mon, guys). Regardless, I know that wanting something requires attention to that thing. I know that wanting someone requires intentionality to his existence. So, I’m here. Showing up. Attempting to live outside of our digital dead zone. Attempting to keep doing the work to have that one thing that my heart yearns to explore. I can reason that if it were easy, then everyone would do it. Like, really do it. It’s not easy. Not everyone does it. Like, really does it. But, it will damn well be worth it.

Meanwhile, if you need help with your pickup lines, don’t hesitate to slide into my DMs. They’re currently still free for the taking.

from Blog https://ondenver.com/the-silver-lining-online-dating-on-the-road/

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i was ready for bed and heard the call of weed again - or what i hoped would be weed but instead was 10$ which is probably honestly for the best in the long run. i probably honestly need 10$ more than i needed weed - and they stll smoked me a few joints anyways. 

but it was good to speak to other people. to regain a sense of my surroundings that is not the little bubble of the 5 streets that seperate my house from his. because ive lived in that very protective bubble for atleast several weeks and although its protective, its not a bubble thats for me. i am just like hitching a ride on someone elses bubble and neglecting my real life because it sucks. and its hard. 

it 3am. and i want to like pretend im going to make some fucking plans for tomorrow an do things but i dont know if i will. i know that this is a very weird way to be living right now and i have to excessively apologize for fucking living in a squat house at this point. it doesnt have to be thiissssss bad. this is stupid. but i dont have the energy to make it any better right this second so im just kind of thinking about it - which is super typical for my life. that describes my entire being. 

the way i would describe this week has been like an rpg video game but like.. in a metaphysical world. like i existed in this world while also in another world of my mental being and continually battling shit that was just .. really stupid and unnecessary. this was like a frustrating shittly made rpg. and the first couple of levels are painfully hard where like its just grinding and grinding to be able to do anything. and then once you get to thing you grinded so hard for its lik the most impossible glitched bugged out boss but you already put 80 hours of your life into it so youre going to find that 1 in a million fucking way to beat the boss that for som reason in itself has like  17 side quests you have to complete before you even touch the guy. 

and its like the people aroud me are shitty people watchng a stream of this video game but all they see is my webcam. they dont see the actual game. they just assume what the fuck im doing or how im doing it or if its hard or not and give me vague advice that kind of rings true to the situation but they have no idea whats actually going on anyways. and like everyone in awhile you get this shitty comment about how you suck or you’re a failure and its like you dont even know what the fuck is happening on the other side here right now because im doing pretty well for the circumstances at hand. 

i dont know if im even at the final boss i think im on the 17 side quests. and like i dont have fucking time for this but i also dont not have time for this because its life or death inside of my head right now. you cant walk away from that its very serious and im stuck inside my head. 

being around other people helped. but like i wouldnt have been able to go out and meet these people for a random thing. i wouldnt. but the way it was set up - and that in itself felt like a fucking side quest to make it happen; i felt comfortable and could sit and just observe a conversation and just participate when i felt like it. i didnt sit and moan about my life at all. i was more than capable of having a normal conversation about totally neutral topics and common interests. most of the time i just listened but listening made me feel acknowledged. lke i also existed because this person was telling me someting and to them in that moment i was important because they wanted to tell me this thing. 

because they wer emore acquaintances than true friends i “knew”, i was also able to regain reality by seeing their own display of personal greivances. if i shared mine, they would have been worse. and times in my head i couldnt help but think you know you guys are actually kind of lucky. these things could all be a lot worse. you have a lot going for your life. but this is life. and they have their own set of problems which weigh heavy on them enough to need to air their issues to people they dont actually know very well. and that says something, regardless. they also feel a sense of desperation in expressing something that maybe theyre not even expressing to other people. 

i didnt take that chance with them for myself though. i was very subtle - or i perceived myself being subtle when talking about the issues ive had lately. im also really confused by these issues - the side quests. because i know these are side effects of the drugs and im panicking about very odd things that dont need such a sense of panic but its bringing to the surface the idea of these problems existing at all. like focusing on not having family. i havent had family for awhile. this is not the most pressing issue but it was killing me for hours on end. and like - this takes up way too fucking much of my day. to be sooo panicked about something you cant even do shit about is exhausting. and then like i project these feelings on to him because i want to share something with him - like i dont even know if i want to share a life with him because im crazy and this is crazy and everything is fucked. but i want something with him and being crazy and too fucked to work / find a job is standing in my way. i have nothing to prove im a functioning human. and im barely a functioning human, honestly. like it is very surprising i am 27 now. thats fucked. 

regardless if i do something or not, things are going to change dramatically in my life in the next several weeks. because i am very sure i am going to be evicted. and i probably very much deserve to be evicted. i owe atleast 3000$ point blank in my life with all my debts, which it could be more - and i have no job and ive spent weeks trying to “get better”. thats terrible. i absolutely deserve to be evicted. i am already homeless and i live like a homeless person squatting in a random apartment i got lucky to find. like this is fucking nuts the way im living right now. and people are witnessing it. they literally have witnessed this and thats pretty embarassing. 

again in my head im like oh yeah im going to get up tomorrow and just go out and look for work. but i havent showered in three days. or eaten anything substantial - out of catatonic fatigue and general lack of care - and ive pretty much allowed the cats to piss on everything i own so i have no clean clothes or underwear. i just let everything around me go to complete shit 

and its funny because i naturally wanted to solve my issues with weed. like a fucking power up to get through the worst of it and i went through fucking everything and everyone to do it. with no fucking money. i made money and still got weed. thats how fucking well i did that. 

and yet.. here i am. this is ... like im the weirdest craziest person to be around. i really think i have to be like pretty up there in craziness. like the perception people must have of me ... if its even a ‘perception’ since its probably the reality but im like .. crazy bitch over here. i cant even imagine knowing me. i cannot even put myself outside of myself and imagine knowing me as a person. i would be a super frustating person to witness in life. i am really .. i dont know. ive existed on fucking nothing. like how did i even do that. why would he even be around me for this long outside of his own craziness. like why the fuck would you even love me. its not even a self pity thing im generally like ... appreciative that i am being loved but wow why would you. i really offer... being a nice person. thats what i got in life. i am a nice person who is creative and like fairly well read & intelligent with an assortment of domestic skills none of which are really top notch but they get you through. other than that i got nothing. i got debt. i got shitty cats that even im like these are probably our last days together. i have good looks which is probably why im honestly getting by in life and have gotten by so far. and that honestly is not even something to gloat on because its not like im super fucking hot. im just a good looking person. like slightly above average. i have a pretty nice body as well but i dont keep in shape in anyway and am frequently malnutritoned. ive also completely scarred probably 70% of my body which is very obviously done by me. so thats always fun when youre about to fuck someone for the first time. and i mean.. im not even that into sex. ive been called a tease more than once because i allowed my good looks to give me what people were offering me when i knew it was because of my looks. i wanted something, but i wasnt interested in them. 

i have no formal education and dropped out in early highschool - like very early. i dont drive. i dont have a car ad defiinitely could not afford one. i dont even have a bike. i cant afford public transit most of the time. im a nice person, you know. i’m caring, sometimes to a fault. i have potential to give a very serious kind of love to the right people. but thats it. thats what i have to offer a person in a relationship with me. thats what i have to offer in a life with me. i mean, i dont even have real interests. i watch documentaries. thats honest to god my biggest interest and has been for months. its like a fucking hobby in some ways. i watch guys playing video games on youtube - a lot. i dont even play video games. i honestly dont know why im fucking watching it. this is totally unnecessary and ive done it openly and just fallen asleep peacefully. why? thats so weird. thats such a weird thing to do. i smoke, alot. i smoke a ton of weed. thats one of my worst qualities. i cost a lot of money and make .. none. the amount of money ive cost other people is probably in the thousands and that was out of kindness. just so i could exist. but i know it does help me. it helps me cope and to leave it behind with no coping skills is really unhelpful to my life. 

so where do i start? probably by going to sleep. waking up at some decent hour - its almost 4 now so i hope for 10, but this is just spewing dreams in alot of ways. i could wake up and continue to lay in bed for hours. somethng simple like stretching - which i honestly really need after this anyways. taking a shower. trying to clean my house. find money, just.. keep finding money and money resources. thats the best i can fathom right now. i want to say ill find a job but thats so complex of a hurdle i just .. i can successfully find money in trade for simple labor. not a job. fucking.. eat food. i have food. i literally have food to eat. i just need to get back ... i dont know. somewhere. back in myself. 

tommorow will be the beginning of the final battle right now. there will be more battles, more shitty rpg games, but this battle will be finished soon and im getting back to real life. real fucking life.