#not to mention ive NO MONEY
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once again wondering why we havent evolved past the Need to eat food. all well and good if you want it as a hobby but i want Nutritional Paste
#not to mention ive NO MONEY#i cant think about it any more bc it makes me feel genuinely sick w anxiety#and i feel even worse bc i have to ask my parents for like. a substantial amount of money#and its not for an emergency its to cover a fucking VACATION bc i cant count#i literally just miscalculated my costs and thought id be good for it and im so so so not#and idk how to ask like. i told them i would need a little help bc of the miscalc and all but its so. sorry its so humiliating to me#hi sorry i was a fuckwit and took a holiday when im unemployed and already struggling i need 1500 please#anyway food is so fucking expensive why the FUCKKKK am i paying $30 for 1 meal#why dont i just give you six vials of my blood instead
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#a doodley#i had to make this blue so tumblr would stop hiding it from the dash#anyway no caption this happened 2 hrs ago#im happy abt my surgery but it and other things this year keep beinging conversations like these up#and i cant handle it at all.#everything my dad tells me just makes me feel worse and not bc its anything bad but bc I Feel Bad#like the conversation then continued to him being like no dont cry im just saying i wpuld have wanted to#quit my job decades ago and set aside money so I wouldnt be struggling as much now but that didnt happen#and i just dont want that to happen to you guys :)#so we have to support u so that your life is what u want it to be#and i cried even more bc what do u mean. thats so sad. ur a person and u were a child and baby once and ur gonna die#and you always almost cry when u talk about your mom who passed away decades ago#and your brothers that passed away#recently and im going to be your age and still sobbing bc i miss my dad. just like i have been prematurely crying about since i was 7#the other day my dad asked my mom if i cried a lot when i was a baby/kid and my mom said no and then my dad#said that when i Did cry it was so severe he thought i would ''drown in my own tears''#bc i could never stop. like. thats still true today. ive been crying on and off since then#i think i mentioned he's just been telling me stories about his life lately and it further fuels this. i get so sad. im sorry your life was#like this. i dont want to die i dont want you to die im sad im sorry im sorry#im scared. im never going to see you again. how horrible. how horrible#i cant enjoy my day today bc every day is a day closer and i get sad
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showing off the commission i got from @ruporas for my fic, In the Next Life!
i'm still so incredibly excited about this. it's been some months since the story event that caused these scars, but i wanted SO BADLY to be able to see what they'd actually Look like... & Here They Are.
ruporas rendered the scars So Well, i just cant stop Looking at them... there's a Fresh & a Healed version, which ruporas was kind enough to give me without additional charge (Thank U Again😭😭) so i get to see what it looks like at different stages.
Lichtenberg Figures. in terms of actual scarring, lightning strikes that people survive don't tend to leave permanent scars, but the lichtenberg figures that they (usually temporarily) leave behind are just So Cool... Now, what happens when you get someone who can survive an amount of electricity/lightning that would be Frankly Lethal to any normal human person?
This :]
#speculation nation#trigun#vash the stampede#vash#in the next life#itnl shit#itnl art#there's a certain amount of Suspension Of Disbelief surrounding this whole injury#do i think it's necessarily realistic? not really. but the fun thing about fiction (especially for a nonhuman character like vash) is#I Do What I Want.#and so i DID shoot him with (what shouldve been) a lethal amount of lightning and it DID leave him with (what wouldve been) 4th degree burn#but his healing ability is fucking insane so it really only put him out of commission for a week or so#functionally. he's still dealing with pain from it though (not that he's gonna admit That to anyone) but yeah#im so in love with how ruporas drew the scars overlapping. he mentioned he did research for it and MAN it really paid off#and. man. vash really does look Chewed the Fuck Up huh#ultimately tho just one more scar for the collection! it just happens to be.. the most extensive single scar lol#but he'll be fiiine he's totally fiiine (pay no attention to the world-weary look in his eyes)(he's totally fine guys everything is Fine)#alternate caption for this commission piece: Chewing on him Chewing on him Chewing on him#god ruporas's art is so fuckin good. best money ive ever spent
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"The podcast is about our neighbours being murdered." "Yeah, but you made it sound cozy."
That's it. That's the show.
#if ever two lines have summed up an entire show...#this one felt a bit all over the place but i LOVED it. i actually teared up at that convo between charles and doreen oh my god#i don't have a big age difference with my brother but still. siblings. you get it#i CAN'T BELIEVE the actors got it. they pointed out all the stuff people on here have been saying for ages!!! vindication!!!!!!!!!!#and i think they're right AND that this person that has been watching the trio since s1 is *one* person.#unsure about the westies and dudenoff. it might be a murder on the orient express situation but i don't buy that for some reason#this feels like a scheme but not a murder cover-up? maybe when dudenoff stopped responding to them they decided to keep up the illusion#and get his money so they could continue paying a low rent? idk it doesn't make sense to me that they would kill him#i'm not sure they even know that he's dead. but hey! what do i know! ive gotten plenty of things wrong this season#also loretta and oliver... OH my god i really thought they were through for a moment there my goodness#don't scare me like that!!!!!!!!!!!!!#so much in this one i didn't even mention THE DOLLS. or bev melon. oh my god so much#omitb#omitb spoilers#omitb s4
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#shining nikki#we're not gonna mention how much money ive dropped on this game the last few months ;____;
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one thing I have learned about being poor is that you cannot for a moment stop thinking about it
#theres no peace#every little thing reminds me we are poor#seeing friends having electricity wifi heat food gas. it all costs money. and bills and fees and charges happen all the damn time#im constantly worried that i am measing up somehow or im not keeping track of my finances properly#the person handling our disability assistance application keeps coming back with question after question about my job#and i have so much doubt and fear that ive made some mistake in my answers that will disqualify us from support#and theres this sick backwards stupid thing where applying for and being on disability support is discouraging me from trying to make money#because the more i make the less likely we'll get support but i need to make money to live#its just fucked. and once we're on support i have to make monthly reports of my income so ill feel like im explaining myself all the fuckin#time#cus the system isnt built in a way that makes sense for self employed ppl who have business expenses to account for#sorry for the ranting i cant sleep#truly truly i think poverty is making me a worse persin#more anxious more resentful more jealous more miserable more spiteful#i have so little and there is so little i can do to help it#i want things in a more desparate and even childish way than i used to eant things#spend a lot more time fantasizing about magically having expendable income#not to mention the constant exponential guilt that comes from asking for help or recieving help. its guilt i need to unlearn but i feel it
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hello guys. the fucked up ecto-inverse of dirkjohn isn't davejake. it's davejane. this has been a psa. and you're welcome
#homestuck#davejane#dirkjohn#bottlehawk text#davejake is like. okay whatever. date my grandpa who ive never even met i guess.#davejane is like. you're dating my who now.#dirkjohn is a fucked up comedy ship because of just how many different people would be pissed off by it due to relations#but DAVEJANE? i think john would have an actual implosion. my NANNA. my GRANDMA dave.#not to mention that they were both sprites at one point. oh god i didn't even think about davesprite and nannasprite and how fucked up that#be for jade who's been alone on the ship with them for 3 years lmao and has to go to earth c to see their alt selves pull this shit.#dirkjohn and davejane happening at the same time would be so much for everyone to handle that they wouldn't be able to hold#troll hannukah get togethers anymore because i think someone would start throwing knives from it. my money's on jake
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went to a comic store today and saw individual issues of idw sonic in person for the first time ever btw . epic win
#not that ive never been to a comic shop before its just the only.one thats anywhere near me#is one i didnt know existed until like a year ago because its in a weird spot#and their hours are very incompatible with the days/times im actually able to go around shopping#and ive also been to other places that sell comics they just never hvae idw sonic#ANYWAYS i got to go today and they had sonic yayyy . and i also got an issue of monster high new scaremester#because ive really been wanting to read that one and havent been able to find it online like . at all. nobody is archiving that thing ....#i only got issue 2 though because they were out of issue 1#and i didnt have a single chance to check for issue 1 when it came out. because of the previously mentioned scheduling curse#nervous that i actually spent money on it because idk if im even gonna like it#ive heard mixed reviews on it and the book that its a continuation of . but fuck it we ball#also if this store carries sonic idk how i never saw it before because i Have been a couple times in the past#maybe they just now started getting it recently?? or just happened to be out the last few times?? idk
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last rb had me thinking of how lame bif would actually be as a person
#as ive mentioned i dont think he has a personality if that makes sense 😭#like youd be able to tell that he TRIES hard to have some kind of identity but he kind of… fails?#like he kind of wants to be known for something beyond his money but at the same time he also still bears the hubris of his family's wealth#hes maybe like those rich kids who insist that theyre talented beyond their money but one look at him and youre like. nah lmfao#for what its worth i think he genuinely is a talented boxer which is why his other persona other than Rich Boy is Undisputed Champion#which is probably also why he takes his loss to jimmy hard#what i also find interesting is the common fandom consensus that bif likes things like hip hop and rap#which are things you dont often associate with white preppy boys (for lack of better wording)#do u think he started branching out to 'less convential' interests bc hes aware he doesnt have any identity outside of being rich#on that i feel like hed also desire to be known as someone beyond derbys lapdog…?#like i dont think hes blindly loyal to derby actually. i feel like theres potential for resent here#since derby and bif are both very prideful people#this just turned into rambling as per usual if u read all of this god bless u#bif taylor#derby harrington#(ment)#bully cce#bully scholarship edition
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the store that sells the new mario party for the lowest price is right nextdoor to a big art store, if i do get the guts to go buy it in person my bank account will be completely empty
#ive been wanting to draw traditionally too so i would literally buy everything because i didnt bring anything but coloured pencils and 2#sketchbooks to my dorm lol#also lowkey screw nintendo for never doing sales for their games#like yeah people will be peer pressured eventually but even with a 10% sale you'd get so many sales#anyways im very much a cartridge person because you bet your ass i want to get my money back once i stop playing and resell them lol#personal#yeah i didnt mention here but i decided to get a switch like a month ago (its a lite that came with ac)#thinking one day to try and play mariokart or something with yall
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Okay children, gather around. It's "Spencer Complains and Acts a Little Mad" Time:
I have been raw dogging life for 1 month without my adhd/depression/anxiety/mood stabilizers medication and without a single Therapy appointment
I haven't left my house in 1 month, I haven't spoken to any of my (in person) friends in over 1 month, I haven't seen my family in 1 month, I haven't seen my bloody cat in over 1 month, I've barely left my bloody room in over 1 month, and I've been listening to my bloody voice almost every day for 1 hour so I can finish editing the bloody podcast for over a month
To top it all of: I haven't had a decent night's sleep in about 4 days now (in which I just don't sleep or I have extremely vivid nightmares with my departed mother and/or scenarios where I die over and over and over again but can't speak to ask for help before it happens - fun for all the family, if you ask me) and I might or might not be completely and absolutely going insane, with only Good Omens season 1 (6/6) and season 2 (5/6) and the existence of Crowley/red haired Fire Pokemon David Tennant Edition being my sole producer of any amount of serotonin
How am I alive? Good question. Beautiful genderfluid demonic content can be some very nice very distracting content for individuals that simp for Fire Type David Tennant Pokemon like myself
I am quite sure my only contact with anything mental health related in the past weeks has been my best friend whom is very very annoying and refuses to leave me the heck alone and whom is a nurse and is working extra time to advice my stupid ass the best she can, bless her heart
So, with my personal nurse's permission, I have doubled my sleeping medication for the night and, as Fall Out Boy once wrote for the song "Alone Together" in one of my favorite albums to have ever been created "Save Rock and Roll": I'll check in tomorrow if I don't wake up dead
#i took so long writing this nonesense for no other reason other than the fact its 2 am and no one makes good decisions at 2 am#that i am actually already feeling sleepy#if my best friend actually manages to give me 1 good nights sleep i will kiss that woman in the mouth and get hitched with her in ibiza#jk shes straight as shit and shes like a sister to me so that scenario is making me cringe but the sentiment prevails#alas dont do drugs unless your doctor tells you to kids#or your nurse best friend#bro im getting so sleepy the word “nurse” aint even looking right anymore#is that even a real word#yes#google says it is#it is not about viking mythology like a thought for about 2 seconds#okay good good nice nice#anyway#i talked about you know what so i have to tag this post for my adhd sake#good omens#crowley#anthony j crowley#david tennant#there#in case anyone cares about a post that mentions crowley for 1 second while in rhe middle of a whole ass sleep drug inflicted rant#lowkey kinda sure ive writen more in the tags now than the damn post jesus christ#hopefully ill be able to have money to buy my medication on the 12th and ill be somewhat mentally stable by the 14th#which means i might actually upload my fanfic next tuesday if my brain is working again#night peeps dont let the bed bugs bite#idk what im saying anymore#my closet just banged by itself and now im scared#sully?#mike?#bo?
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looked into hello fresh out of curiosity (w/o any intention of subscribing i was just curious about their vegan options) and why the hell is "low calorie" an option for a goal you can set but not "high calorie"? it's pretty common to be aiming to gain weight/eat more calories??
#idk maybe this is selection bias but every time ive heard my friends say theyre on some kind of health based diet theyre always trying to#gain weight like this seems like a common thing? also every time ive had an actual weight goal for myself it's been to gain#like it is actually hard cause you can only physically eat so much not to mention food costs money...#seems like something a meal planning service could help with 🤷♀️#cw weight
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...
#oh lads. lads. lads. lads. im being sucked back into the world of academia#i dont even kno what happened. a week ago i was crying bc i was like: this is impossible. i simply cannot do this.#and then i went into the lab sunday and miraculously i was able to easily read some papers. like i dont kno how to discribe how baffling it#was. like reading papers is like pulling teeth and this was somehow easy. i think maybe it was bc i let myself get distracted and wander#thru it. and then after that i got so much done this week and i was tired but having fun. and like the thing is: i fucking love evolution#it's like puzzling out the code for life in both a metaphical and literal sense. its fucking incredible. and my project is also very#interesting. if a bit intimidating in its scope. ya kno. just in the way photosynthesis is generally intimidating#but i think i have a strain thats lost chlf which is really interesting and my advisor said we might have the money to try some crispr for#my cyano children. hypothetically. maybe. and i get to do some poking around in genomes. theres so so much to love there#how could i possibly want to do anything else? and yet. and yet. here at the end of the week im so wrung out and i kno i just have to start#again on sunday and i kno im gonna have to step it up in terms of reading if i want to make it through a committee meeting and proposal#defense. not to even mention a comprehensive exam. and what do i get at the end of all this? a lifetime of academia draining my life away.#bc what i do is so academic. so whats the point? its just so frustrating.#and on top of that ive got all this data from my old lab that i kno i have to work on. and i will. i will. but with what time?#anyway the point is. i can see a path forward now where i stay here and decide the pain will be worth it despite not knowing where im going#after that. im just so tried#but right now it feels like im gonna stay until someone kicks me out#but that doesnt exactly make me feel happy. ugh. but if i stay i want to get my old pi to come here and give a seminar. ill warn her how#intimidating the department is tho. we've had 2 talks in the last 2 weeks that were... not good. particularly the one this week#like she couldnt answer a single question they thru at her and didnt seem to kno her data sets. it was hard to watch. anyway. i just want#to see my academic mother again. send me back to the desert! let me rot in a field full of sage#but send me back to the hills of an older mountain range. where i can climb sandstone cliffs and lay in carpets of moss. except i wouldnt do#that bc of all the ticks and threat of lyme disease...#anyway. im still tired. still sad. and there doesnt seem to b a way out#unrelated
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someone in the family just died, i have been thinking about taking up a second job to cope with the amount of debt i have, and struggling with other irl things that are making it harder and harder for me to be on here!
#ooc.#i know i keep coming back with excuses and shit.#death mention /#ive been stressed about money for a solid couple of months; my tiny apartment is starting to feel a little too tight;#navigating my newly discovered ocd as well (but so glad that i finally have a name for it).#just a lot.............. im so sorry yall.#i go to work and hate it and then come home to manically find some creative outlet and tune out from the world for several hours before i g#to bed.#right now it's sewing.#anyways nfjksafnkdsjanfsjkfnjkasda a lot of feelings; a lot of weird emotions; a lot of realizations that i dont like tfnjdksafndsjkfnjksaf
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world of warcraft is wild in that they have a species that is an antisemitic caricature (which said species commonly is in fantasy but they really go hard on it) and then they let you play as said species which i think is already wild. also if you play the default starting area you are made to play a horrible person as that species
and then i, a jewish person, made a character of that species as a way to somehow spite them (?? i still dont know how that spites them but it was why i did it) but then i got like really attached to her and shes one of my favorite characters ive made in general and i think about her a lot. also i didnt play the default starting area so she wasnt forced to be a totally completely bad person at least for any of that
tfw you make one dimensional antisemitic caricature species but then you make them playable and therefore allow your players to get attached and make non one dimensional characters of them. wild
#i dont know what my point is#world of warcraft is a game for sure#my post#world of warcraft#fantasy when theyre deciding on species to have and what the traits of those species are#and they have one that has big noses#and theyre like. hmmm what traits to give them#and theyre just that picture of that one guy straining really hard until they decide. ah. money obsessed!#im tired btw#ive been playing wynncraft a lot lately and their depiction of villagers is... interesting.#theyre not as one dimensional as the goblins in WoW but theyre still... not great#someone hire me as the local jew that looks out for antisemitic traits in stories a bit much. i think its needed#theres probably better more informed people for that job actually but consider: i want to not be broke anymore and it also sounds weirdlyfun#me mentioning money on this post feels wrong but welcome to capitalism i need a job or im. idk i guess bad at life?#capitalism logic is stupid. i need to go to sleep LMAO
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tag vent
#i have to move back to my hometown due to a mistake. a misunderstanding. and being too trusting in others ideas#and my boyfriend is moving an hour away as well. neither of us have been able to get a car or license yet due to money and i dont know when#we can see eachother again after we both move. since we started dating weve been sleeping in the same bed because we were/are roommates#just being gone for the weekend in my hometown is hard because i cant stand to be here but its worse because hes not in my bed every night#ive grown so used to falling alseep in his arms that i dont know what to do at night. i dont feel safe without his arms holding me#ive never felt safe where ive lived before. ive never felt safe in a relationship. ive never felt loved for who i am. that was until him.#now i feel safe in our home. i feel safe in our relationship. i feel loved for who i am. and now we have to be so far apart.#ive done long distance before but this is going to hurt so much my cat loves him she is super cautious and scared around new people but#she loved him since the start. not to mention shes my esa so that really mattered to me. he wants to move with me but it isnt happening#he got definite housing an hour away for super cheap in a town where he knows everyone and i have possible in a town where im surrounded by#people i know but am terrified of. im scared to move back here but have no choice. unless i make that terrifying choice of going with him.#the apartment he is getting is a two bedroom. id only have a studio. hes offered for me to come but im scared to move that far away again#i want to be with him but im scared to move to a whole new town with him. i know hes an amazing guy but we'd be moving away from my friends#and family. i already have to move away from all my friends if i go back to my hometown but this would be a different story.#moving to a whole new town with a guy that i only started dating 2 months ago? like yes. i lived with him previously and knew him for longer#than we dated but im still scared. i think rightfully so. but still.#but there are some pros to moving with him. hometown has no music scene and his town does and thats really important to me.#we'd also be close to his family. but farther from mine. hed be around friends and id have none no matter where i go.#idk im just rambling but i really needed to vent. i lost my best friend recently to the point of them siding with strangers almost and they#helped them break and enter into the house to intimidate me and bf and then a few days later came with cops after saying repeatedly that#they were an anarchist and acab but only when they dont use them apparently. because i guess morals/values only matter when its convenient#im so tired though but i cant sleep so i might write some cringe poetry and try to chill out before going on a late night/early morning walk#tag vent#vent in tags
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