#not to make a sad whiney tag post

[thedevotionaltour]

I SHOULD HAVE GONE INTO RADIOOOOOOOO

[4rtificialfolio]

Nick Folio As Your Boyfriend HC 🖤🎣

- this man is a cuddly as hell in private

- isn’t big on pda but loves to hold your hand and give you quick little kisses

- absolutely ADORES when you wear his hoodie’s and harley tee’s

- esp when you wear his tee’s with just your underwear

- constantly asking you where his hoodie is

- him walking into the living room and asking “baby have you seen my ho-“ just to see you snuggled up on the sofa in his hoodie

- LOVES late night rides with you

- he adores having your arms wrapped around his waist

- takes you to the beach and night so you can cuddle and watch the stars

- takes you to all his favourite places around his home state

- would definitely introduce you to his mc club and take you to the bike meets

- ALWAYS holding your hand, this man is never letting go of you

- doesn’t post on ig much but he’ll make a post every now and then with a picture of you both

- “my favourite person🖤”

- always giving you kisses at home and gets whiney when you don’t kiss him back

- refuses to let you get out of bed, he’ll wrap his arms around your waist and this man is STRONGGG have you SEEN those biceps??? you’re not going anywhere

- will give you kisses on your neck and all over your face because he loves how giddy you get

- “have i ever told you how cute you are?” and he’ll giggle and how much it makes you blush

- besides the never ending kisses, his love language is gifts

- whenever he goes on a bike trip with his friends or when he goes on tour, he brings you back silly little gifts that reminded him of you

- speaking of tour, he’s constantly facetiming you

- he absolutely hates being away from you and loves when you tag along to a few dates

- tour is one of the only times he shows a little more pda because he misses you so much

- constant kisses, wrapping his arms around your waist, squeezing your thigh when you’re sat together

- LOVES when you fall asleep on his lap

- takes so many candids of you, even if he is a grandpa with technology

- he’ll never fail to say i love you every day, gets sad if you forget to say it before you both go to sleep

- “what’s wrong baby ?” “you didn’t say it back” and he’ll do the most exaggerated pout ever to make you giggle

- he loves how when you’re laid on his chest, you trace his chest tattoo and leave occasional kisses on his chest

- just adores being close to you

- especially when he’s on top of you-

- overall absolutely ADORES you

- the best boyfriend 😭

-

might do an nsfw one next?👀

masterlist

[winxanity-ii]

LMFAO reading your response to that person and I don't even read any of your shit but damn do you have some fuckin audacity 😂

Fucking crazy you have the nerve to call someone tone deaf when your entire response was fuckin ridiculous and your entire blog is fucking self-centered AND Tone deaf.

"I write for EVERYONE" no? You don't? You literally have it in your pinned post that these are for you and nobody else.

If you want to be bitchy about shit that's fine but don't pretend your higher and holier-than-thou just because you ONLY and EXCLUSIVELY write for poc. Doesn't make you special. Self segregation ain't cute hon.

But since your reading comprehension is a bit low 🤗, which it VERY clearly is with all the times you contradict yourself in both your post and your response, I'll dumb it down for you

This person was courteous and complimenting your writing (that means they were being a decent person and saying nice things about you), and in response, you decided to be condescending (that means you talked down to them), victimize yourself for no reason, and insult them. (All of that just means you're a bitch, and a whiney bitch at that 🤗🤗)

Could this person have gotten their point across in a better, more eloquent way? Yeah, for sure. But regardless of what they said, you just decided to be petty because someone asked you to tag your stories better. Sad. It's a lil pathetic, really.

Once again, not finna read this chapter nor take you serious seeing as this is anonymous, but the fact that you came back to reply cuz I made ya madder is giving fan behavior 😭😭🫶🏾 it’ll get better luv, go touch some grass and come back when you gain some sense

If I offended you because of the way I responded idk what to say because this is like the 100th time me having the same convo but in a different font block me babes 🤦🏾‍♀️so, no, MY response to the anonymous ask demanding me to change my platform wasn't rude/too much

But other than that, you’re off with a great start, just take the passion you had to write this nonsense and pick a random fandom and you have yourself a fic 🫶🏾 you got this, can’t wait to read your works when you gain the courage to respond to me with your real page instead of anonymous 💀

P.S. go to the pinned post i have telling you that "If not all, the majority of my work(s) will be written with the heavy intentions of poc!reader/black!reader" something that's been up since the very beginning of my blog, so this is all null and void, mamas 😏

^^^had to make this the biggest it can go so you can see this ❤️

Edit: if you'll like a full answer, I'm not humoring any anonymous posts about this topic due to the spamming... thanks for your support ❤️❤️❤️

[mysticdragon3md3]

I think one of my favorite fanartists blocked me.

I can't reblog their fanart post. And though the Tumblr algorithm suggests their blog to me and suggests other posts which have reblogged their art, whenever I try to go to their blog or their original posts, Tumblr says there's nothing there. Google says this is one of the few ways to tell if you've been blocked on Tumblr.

Feel sad, but I can't blame them. I am a weirdo, and post some very strange rants and reactions. I've even disagreed with a lot of the fanon in my current OTP. They _should_ protect themselves from my weirdness.

Trying not to dwell on it. Many times, my anxiety has made me paranoid that a fandom community I loved/respected was shunning me. Thankfully, time proved my anxiety and paranoia wrong. But now it looks like I've found a case where it was true. It's just fortunate that by now, I've already felt so disconnected from my OTP's fandom that I don't feel as sad as I've felt before when I was simply paranoid about these same things. Odd. But i guess it's easier to take being blocked, vs finding angry posts about me.

But this once again makes me sad that I got out of Persona 5 fandom and into FE3H instead. P5 fandom was so nice and felt like a community. ...But it's probably my whiney posts like this, complaining about being caught into FE3H fandom, that would likely make anyone block me.

But how would anyone even find my whiney posts anyway? I don't use common tags. And I'm fairly certain almost all my Followers are bots. I've always treated my blog like no one was Following. The one time someone went through my blog to read posts with uncommon tags, it was after we had gotten into a back and forth reblog conversation. But I've never chatted with the fanartist who likely blocked me.

I wonder what I did wrong. Maybe I said something stupid in my reblog tag posts. Sometimes I forget that they can be read and I write tag comments mostly for me alone. Then I remember other people can read them and I quickly change it, hoping no one saw it. I still regret that time I rambled about some random personal memory of mine, in reblog tags on andrew's adorable dimiclaude fanart. I started ranting about how my cousin would always complain to me about how he ended up making an elaborate drawing on lined paper instead of nice sketch paper, because he thought he was just doodling, each time he started. Then I would always have to chide him into remembering to stop doodling on lined paper and just doodle on blank paper each time, because he'd never know when his doodles would turn elaborate. The way our conversations like this went, it seemed like my cousin was always baiting me into chiding him about it. Maybe that was "empathizing/sharing his frustration with himself", by hearing it externalized through me too. Then I realized that maybe if andrew saw my reminiscing tag comments, he might think I was chiding him for not drawing on nicer paper or something. Even though his paper doodles were just as lively and beautiful as his digital art! ;o;! I quickly changed those tag comments and hoped he didn't see them or thought they were addressed to him. I still wonder if I should DM an apology to andrew. I haven't seen him post to the OTP tag in a long time. ;_; I do say a lot of dumb stuff that would get me understandably blocked. ;_;

Everyday, I am reminded why I purposefully avoided having friends in real life. I just screw up every single interaction. ;_;

But practically speaking, I really should stop posting my every thought and reaction, at least in tag comments. I'd feel kind of wrong if I didn't post whatever I wanted, even my stupid reactionary thoughts, to my own blog, after for so long I advocated for making your blog for you, vs being too self-conscious about your Followers. I definitely have become more wary of stopping myself from writing long comments in reblog tags, like I used to. I've taken steps already. But maybe I should scale back a little bit on using my blog like my private journal. I've been writing my every thought as a post through Tumblr mobile, ever since my laptops have had problems, and I couldn't journal on them. But the thing is, I'm posting about things related to my experience of my fandoms, and recording all that is what my Tumblr blog is for. At least, for me. Again, if Windows Explorer was better at searching files, maybe I'd keep more of my thoughts in my private offline journals, like I used to. But Tumblr's search is just too good and it seems like a much more complete record of my fandom experience. I don't want to give up writing what I want on my blog. If Tumblr could search Private posts, I'd make more of my posts Private. Until then, I am doing what I can: I use unique tags now; I hide most text under a cut. I've done what I can. If someone is going to search through my blog anyway and feel off-put by my weirdness, blocking is all they can do too.

It really is weird that I'm not more broken up about this. Previous fandom experiences have had so much of my emotion invested in it, and my anxiety had my paranoia into overdrive, and any negativity set off my over-sensitivity to the extreme. Well, at least there's this one advantage to the fandom disconnection I've been lamenting for a while.

Maybe it's good to be reminded to not be so dependent on fandom community. Fandom community is really nice and it's fun, but all my enjoyment shouldn't be dependent and so fragile as to fall apart at any slight disagreement. After all, my experience of FE3H fandom has almost reverted back to how I used to experience fandom, back when I'd enjoy a series by myself and never interact with anyone about it. I'd write fanfics for myself and draw fanart for myself, and never show anyone. And I was having fun. I can't really lament feeling disconnected in FE3H fandom, when even enjoying it virtually by myself, is still fun in those same old lone ways. (With the exception of a few regular positive interactors from the fandom, and enjoying everyone's fanart, fics, and discussions, as a lurker. Thanks, everybody. You're so nice. ^_^ )

[capseycartwright]

🙆‍♀️

[bronte-deserves-better]

*tries not to be sad at lack of notes*

[silverstonesainz-archive]

when you're missing me...

10 songs, from you to him.

summary: charles goes track by track as he deals with the sadness of losing you. pairing: charles leclerc x fem!reader (affectionately nicknamed dove) word count: 14k (i'm so sorry) warnings: not proofread, poorly translated french -- translation in small font next to french text, cussing, charles being whiney and kind of pathetic sorry, mentions of alcohol, alludes to sexual themes, descriptions of anxiety and poor mental health. probably inaccurate descriptions of the car and its functions. absolutely no interaction between charles and reader until around the 5th/6th song so fair warning. note: here is my first ever f1 fic and of course, it had to be about charles. i have been working on this for about a month now and i am finally done. this is super long, i nearly split it but it didn't feel right. im also a 1000% sure this makes no sense but im posting it anyways. i hope you like it and if not thats okay too! tagging @stressfc and @sidcrosbyspuck bc they've listened to me try to muscle through the end of this. feedback is always appreciated.

Dinner was quiet, just the soft hum of classical instrumental playing in the background with the compliments of silverware clanging against porcelain plates. Charles stares at the pasta sitting idly on his plate, his fork twirling the noodles but never lifting it to his mouth. The girl across from him seems to dwindle on and on about her work, something about a new projects and exciting opportunities. He couldn’t seem to listen tonight, there was something eerie in the air tonight and it made him feel uneasy.  She doesn’t take notice though, too busy enjoying his presence and the fine dining restaurant Charles is treating her to. 

She wasn’t a gold digger by any means, and she was satisfied with the more simpler things life had to offer. It was one of Charles’ favorite things about her, and that’s why when he had the chance he’d treat her to a little bit of luxury that he can afford. She was sweet, bubbly, with a little bite when it comes to things she’s passionate about. Her eyes were warm and bright with life, and on most nights it was enough to set fire in his heart. But tonight, it simply wasn’t the case. 

Dinner was over as quickly as it started, Charles chucking the quick end to the night to being tired and having a long day ahead of him. She was understanding as usual, and it dug a pit in his heart. She bid him goodnight, a quick kiss to his lips, and he watches as she walks away. Charles waited until she was in her building before he driving back to his apartment, the car ride silent. He slows to a stop at a red and idly scrolls through his Spotify account to find a playlist to fill the space. And then he scrolls past one he hadn’t listened to in months. He taps the one titled ‘when you’re missing me’ quick to press shuffle as the light flicks green. His foot is steady on the gas, as the first out of ten songs play. 

Nothing - Bruno Major

Bruno’s soft voice plays over the car speaker, the first verse taking him back to nights spent on the couch with a glass of red wine, a good movie, and his favorite person. He remembers the soft voices, chaste kisses, and gentle fingers tousling his brown hair. He hums along, merging right and off the busy roads to take the side streets. Taking the long way home seemed like the best option for tonight, the twists and turns reminding him of being on the track— his safest place in the world. 

But there’s nothing, like doing nothing, with you. The lyric makes his heart plummet into his stomach before trying to climb up his throat. There’s a sense of nostalgia that washes over him as the song plays on, remembering the feeling of listening to it as he passes the time miles and miles away from you. He smiles at your thoughtfulness, how you carefully picked ten simple songs to fill the time you both spent apart. Ten songs, nearly forty minutes to keep him afloat for maybe days at a time. Forty minutes to make missing you a little less painful.

Or in this case, a little more. 

The first time he heard this song, it was played live in concert and you found a video circulating online of the performance. You gushed on and on about how cute the lyrics were, the sentiment behind the song, and the evident tears glossing over your eyes when you listened to it the first time. You were both just friends at the time, and he could remember the butterflies fluttering in his stomach as you pined for affections that the artist described in his song, his thought taking him to possibilities of him being able to fulfill those needs. But of course, he simply wiped the lone tear that rolled down your cheek and smiled.

“It’s okay, mon cherie.” 

The first time he ever kissed you was to the very same song, a month later. He was just a little tipsy off of his celebratory P1 champagne, footsteps stumbling from the motorhome into your car as you readied to drive him home. He was all smiles, dimples deep and eyes bright despite being slightly hooded with alcohol. 

“Ah, mon amour, it was the best race I think I’ve ever driven. Did you see?”

“I did. I saw the whole thing bug.” 

Charles smiles at the memory of the affectionate nickname, rubbing his index finger against his bottom lip as he remembers the excitement he felt bursting through his skin when he had leaned over the middle counsel to kiss you. He remember your soft, plump lips, surprised but quick to mold into his. It was short, fiery, blurring the lines of friendship the two of you desperately tried to define. The song came up on shuffle, following one Charles’ hazy mind at the time could not seem to place. 

… nothing like doing nothing with you…

Together — Us the Duo

Charles didn’t like too many English songs, and when he did they were ones that play on the radio every thirty minutes. This song, he found deep in her liked songs. One Saturday morning, free from distractions, no responsibilities on either end of the relationship except to be in each other’s company. He likes to think you put this song in the playlist because of the day he found it and played it.

He can hear you singing softly, feel the ghost of your fingers caressing his cheek as the song goes no matter what you’re going through, I’ll be right next to you. Goosebumps rise on his skin at the memory of your touch and the lump in his throat grows larger. This is when he should change the song, change the playlist, switch over to some house music playlist Lando shared with him months ago that he has yet to listen to. But he couldn’t. He eases up on the gas, making another right turn to drive down another straight. 

“You are doing just fine, just take it one turn at a time baby.” 

Charles hung on to every word that you ever said, but these words especially. It was words that he held near to him, at the forefront of his mind whether he was on the track staring down the rear of a Red Bull, or just simply trying to get through a tough mental day. One turn at a time, your version of “just keep swimming.” It was a take from an old movie, and one of your favorite books, but personal to the both of you. 

This song was long forgotten in the last three months. He wishes that he remembered it for all the terrible days he spent up in his own head, without you to bring him down. Maybe, for just 3 minutes and 36 seconds, he could pretend that you were singing it to him. He could hear your sweet voice singing ‘if you ever need a hand to hold, reach out and I’ll grab yours.’ 

The skin of his right hand burned at the memory of yours, and his heart nearly sunk into his stomach. He hated this. He hated being alone, hated that you aren’t in the seat next to him. But most of all, he hated that seeing you was not an option at the end of this playlist.

Hesitate — Jonas Brothers 

The first concert you both ever attended together was a Jonas Brothers concert in Las Vegas. It wasn’t intentional, you fully planned on bringing your best friend with you but her flight was delayed. And although it was between back to back race weekends, Charles didn’t have many obligations before the next one and you were fairly great at convincing him to join you. Of course he knew who the Jonas Brothers are, and of course he knew at least two of their songs. But if he were being completely honest with himself and the universe listening, he only went because you asked him. 

On any normal weekend before back to back races, Charles would be scribbling in his little blue notebook and reading through his self-critical notes from the last several months of the season. He would jot down his ideas and feelings about the previous race, and his hopes and ambitions for the one yet to come. And it was Las Vegas. Notorious for the gambling and glamorous night life. A glamour he could afford for the both of you. And yet, that Thursday night he found himself in the furthest section to the left, the three brothers only about three inches tall from his view, with you screaming every lyric back with such enthusiasm. He wouldn’t trade that moment for the world. 

The night slowed down considerably, Joe’s (your favorite, at least that’s what you yelled to him about fifty times leading up to this very moment) voice booming over the speaker and filling the arena. Your hand was quick to find his own, fingers slotting between his own as you laid your head on his shoulder. You would never know, but he spent the entirety of the song looking down at you. He savored every second your lips moved to the song, the twinkle in your eyes as you stared down at the three piece.

I thank the ocean for giving me you, you saved me once and now I’ll save you too. Charles always thanked the sea and the waves for washing him to shore, right at your mercy. He’d never tell you, but the song brought tears to his eyes. He would never, ever, admit that he shed a tear listening to that very song and the thought of you. It seemed premature to admit to you just several months in that he might be falling in love with you. That maybe, just maybe, you were it for him. 

He pressed a soft kiss on your head, “Je suis en train de tomber amoureux de toi. Et vous ne le savez même pas. Pas encore.” I’m falling in love with you. And you don’t even know it. Not yet.

His whisper was drowned out in a sea of screams as the song comes to a close, and he knows you didn’t hear him. His heart screams at the memory of your glossy eyes as you looked up at him and moved up to the tip of your toes to press a kiss to his cheek. Sometimes he wishes that he would’ve just said it to you, screamed it for all of fifteen-something thousand people to hear and witness. Fuck the idea, the social constructs of timing and whether it was appropriate. He shouldn’t have hesitated to tell you how much his heart swells when you’re near him, how he desires nothing more to keep you close to him for the rest of his days. 

Maybe if he opened his god damn mouth then he couldn’t lived in your affections for longer than he got. 

Charles couldn’t bear to waste gas much longer, so he made a final left turn and back to his apartment complex. He pulls his car into the numbered slot, and takes quick steps to his empty home. Charles tries to ignore the dull feeling of his home, the mess he had yet to clean since returning from the last race, and instead dives into replying to texts he had missed since he decided to take an extra twenty minutes to get home. 

Pierre’s name lights up the screen as Charles rolls into bed. 

I can come up with beer if you need it. I saw you drive in a circle before getting home. Maybe you need beer. 

Charles curses softly, forgetting that his best friend has his location and is more often than not keeping tabs on his habits. He rolls his eyes, replying to Pierre that he can in fact make his way up as long as he has a six pack in hand. The Monegasque does his best to tidy up, tossing laundry in its place and putting dishes in the dish washer. By the time Pierre’s soft knocks are heard, Charles is just about satisfied with the way his home looks. He unlocks the door without opening it, but the Frenchman has no problem letting himself in, greeting his friend cheerfully as he shuts the door behind him.

“I was thinking of inviting Carlos, or maybe Max over with me too. But I figured my company was enough, no?”

Charles lets out a chuckle, sitting at the table and nodding for Pierre to do the same. “Sure, mate.” 

Pierre grins, handing Charles a bottle before sitting across from him. “Knew it.” He pops the bottle open, taking a quick drink before looking at his best friend. “So what now? Why the extra twenty minutes out on the road?”

“You know, it’s really creepy that you keep tabs on my location like that.” 

“I just care. And stop deflecting. What’s wrong?”

Charles nibbles his lip, spinning the amber bottle on the table to watch the liquid slosh against the light. He debated if he should bring up his thoughts of you for the n-th time. Pierre must be tired of it, Charles thinks to himself. He looks up, his friend’s baby blues waiting patiently for him to speak up. He sighs softly, popping open his bottle and holding it up to his lips. 

“Things don’t feel right with Hannah.” That’s how Charles chooses to start the conversation. It isn’t a lie, but it also isn’t the reason for his extra 20 minutes. 

“The American girl?” Pierre asks, leaning back into his chair.

Charles nods, “Yeah. I dunno man… I like her I do but”—

“But she’s not your Dove.”

There it is. Charles didn’t have to say it. His heart seems to crack at the use of your. You weren’t his, no longer his little Dove.

Pierre watches as his best friend nods, finally taking a drink from his beer. There is a blanket of comfortable silence that falls between the two racers. This isn’t unfamiliar territory for Pierre. He is very much aware of the torment in Charles’ head since the break up. He was there for all the drunk nights and silent tears. Pierre has never seen his best friend so torn up over a girl, and truth be told he was worried when Charles jumped into a new connection with the American girl. 

“I don’t know anymore mate… this fucking sucks.” Charles rests his head in his hands, rubbing his tired eyes. “This isn’t normal, to constantly compare her to… to you know. That isn’t fair to Hannah, or really anyone for that matter.”

“No… but it takes time to move past that.” Pierre responds. “It still hurts now, it hasn’t been that long since the two of you parted ways.” 

“Three months mate.”

“Yeah, out of a fourteen month relationship.” 

Charles shakes his head, taking another drink. “Still seems too long.” 

“Well… do you really want to stop feeling this way?”

Charles looks at his best friend incredulously, “What the fuck kind of question is that?!”

“Well Charles, you seem to be the only one holding onto this relationship between the two of you. You just have this… this grip on something that’s over even though it’ll probably never come back to you.” 

Pierre’s nonchalant tone catches him off guard, and even more so that the man in front of him still manages to drink his beer without cowering under his angry gaze. The Frenchman’s word feels like a match is lit in his chest. Charles suddenly couldn’t breathe.

“Switching up your opinions?” 

Pierre raises his brow. “What? No. I still think it’s normal to be strung up on a relationship three months out. But at the same time, Charles you don’t make an actual effort to move forward. I mean even Hannah isn’t much of a move in the right direction considering that they even look similar. Being in a relationship just to be in one, right after one you actually valued isn’t actually a great tactic to moving on. And you’re still listening to her playlist” 

“How do you know that?”

“Okay I didn’t check on purpose, don’t look at me like that. I just happened to be making a new race playlist and saw your activity.” 

Charles groans softly, cheeks turning pink. He was a little embarrassed and made a mental note to change his Spotify settings. “Fuck.”

“Listen, I’m not going to knock you for how you choose to heal and move on. I’m your best friend, and I’m here for you. But I’m just saying… your way isn’t a very good way.” 

—

Race weekends are his favorite. There isn’t anywhere he would rather be than on a race track in any given city in the world. The smell of rubber against the hot asphalt was always something that made him feel most at home. If there was something Charles knew for sure in the world, it’s that he was meant to be behind the wheel of an F1 car racing speeds up to 200 miles per hour. The adrenaline pumps through him simply at the thought of it.

Silverstone is a track he’s fairly comfortable with and has yet to win. But for the first time, Charles didn’t crave to win. Of course, standing on the tallest podium would be a plus, but truth be told he just wanted to get behind the wheel. The two week break was more than enough, much more than he needed. He just couldn’t wait to just sit in the car, uninterrupted for two hours with nothing but the road in front of him and his team in his ears. Charles was more than ready to hop in the car right now, if it weren’t for media appearances and fan obligations. 

Carlos isn’t blind, and he knows his teammate quite well. When the camera shuts off after their hour of filming another C-squared episode, Carlos can’t help but to point out the unusual jitters emitting from Charles. “You good?”

Charles looks up at his teammate. “Huh? Yeah, why?”

“You just seem ready to leave, more than usual.” 

“Just ready to get in the car, mate.” Charles hopes his voice is convincing. Hopes that the fake excitement he placed in his eye is enough to stop Carlos’s inquiries. He was worried that the Spaniard would ask about you, and truly Charles can’t handle another conversation about you and how he’s handling life without you. 

“Aren’t you always?” Carlos rolls his eyes playfully, patting Charles’ back. “See you later. Gonna go workout.”

The two split ways and Charles heads back to his hotel room. The rest of Charles’ day is scheduled to be fairly quiet. There were no other social obligations left for the day, just an hour of uninterrupted rest before an event with sponsors that his PR team emphasized the importance of only ten times in one meeting. But for the next hour, Charles retreats to his room with his little blue notebook and sits at the tiny desk. He begins to jot down notes from the track walk, taking notes of turns that might be of concern to him, and what kind of tires he is likely to start with. He flips between his strategy notes and his idea list, seeing if there are tweaks he can make that he can bring up for discussion before free practice the next day. 

Charles writes until his hand begins to ache. All of twenty minutes fly by before he has to drop the pen between the pages to try and shake the pain away. In the same instance, his phone lights up with texts from his friends who were trying to meet him before their schedules get too busy. He swipes through a few, not bothering to reply and instead opting to lay in bed to relax a little bit. He pops in his AirPods without question, scrolling through his song library in search of a song he could fall asleep to. His bottom lip moves between his teeth as he ponders over your playlist, and finds his finger swiping through his library til he spots that playlist. 

Charles triple checks that he changed his listening activity to private before playing the next song.

If I Could Fly — One Direction

This is by far the cheesiest song that you put on the playlist. But those were your words, not his. He remembers you told him how you even hesitated to add it in but ultimately decided that it was the only song that made sense to you and your reasoning. 

Charles thinks back to Silverstone a year ago. He was in a room much similar to the one he is sat in, but you were there. Granted, you were on a screen on his little iPhone but you were there. It was rather frustrating to be a driver for a struggling team like Ferrari was at the time.  He had you propped up against the lamp, the warm light illuminating his dull features. You watched him attentively, laying on your hands as you wait for him to speak up. You both knew that the race didn’t go as he had hoped, and there weren’t many things that you could say to him that he hasn’t heard from everyone that day. So you sit in silence, waiting for him to say just about anything so that you could pick up on him. 

“Just not the result I wanted.” Charles finally mumbled. He hears you hum, sitting up and pulling your phone closer to your face about to begin your “boost morale” speech, but he cuts you off. “Wish you were here, Dove.” 

You smile, a tinge of sadness in your eyes. “I know. I know and I’m sorry. You know if I could, I would.” 

He nods. “I know. I don’t want to talk about today anymore. I want to talk about your day, I want to talk about you.”

So you indulged. You told him about your day, of all the people you had come across at your job and how you looked forward to your next day off. He hung on to every single word that slipped past your lips. He let you ramble on and on, all the way til he made it to bed and snuggled with you, still on the phone in the same state. 

“Are you feeling better, Bub?” You asked, yawning softly as you snuggled deeper into the covers.

“Yes. Much better. And I see you in two days, so I’ll be even better then.” He smiled, and you smile even wider.

He could never forget your smile, even if he tried to scrub it out physically. He groans softly, turning on his back and letting the voices soak into the back of his mind, drowning every memory of you. 

Right now I’m completely defenseless. Tears spring up and sting his soft green eyes as the song continues to play. He hasn’t cried in a while, at least not while thinking of you. He’s cried in anger, in frustration, but never in sadness and loneliness like he feels right now. He didn’t think a One Direction song would bring him to tears, but yet here he is curled up on the white duvet as tears roll down his pale skin. Fuck he hates this so much. And fuck did he feel pathetic.

“Baise-moi.” Fuck me. He sits up, rubbing the heel of his hand against his cheeks to wipe the wet away.

He sniffles, swiping through his phone to reply to a few texts that sprung up on his phone. He replies to Pierre, the nosy fucker, and Carlos who lets him know that they will meet in the lobby before leaving to the event. Charles makes a silly mistake to scroll even further, past the blue dots of unread texts all the way down to your name. Well, your affectionate nickname. It’s one coined by Daniel ironically, and the only one that followed you around the paddock. Even Mattia referred to you as dove. Your dove, as Mattia would say to Charles. 

The last text you ever sent to him was I’m sorry. He didn’t have the guts to reply, to say that it was okay because truly, he was not. He scrolls up, past all the pining in blue and curt responses in grey. He scrolls past the hearts and the smiling emojis all the way until he finds the long paragraph with your explanation for the song.

There isn’t a day when you’re off in some country while I’m stuck at home, wishing that I could just fly over to you. And I didn’t want to add a One Direction song, it almost feels silly. But it makes sense. And I hope you feel the same way otherwise I’m just some psycho on the other side of this. I know these last couple of races haven’t been what you wanted them to be, and I know that you are frustrated more than anything else. But please know that me and thousands still believe in you. If I could fly all those thousands of miles to see you, then I would. But I will see you in two days time. Then I will make up for all the shit times. See you soon bub, very very soon. Bonne nuit, fais de beaux rêves chérie. Good night, sweet dreams honey

Charles nibbles on his bottom lip, finally pressing skip on the repetitive chorus. He couldn’t take it anymore

At My Worst — Pink Sweat$ (ft. Kehlani)

Charles forces himself off the bed and into the bathroom. His hair is disheveled, the skin around his eyes purple and puffy. He truly has never looked worse. He does his regular skin care, and then attempts to get ahold of his messy hair with some pomade Pierre swears by. It doesn’t work. 

As Charles slips on the black blazer over his shoulders, he nearly wants to throw up. He’d do anything to get out of this dinner, pay anything to just sit in solitude. But alas, his phone vibrates and Carlos is already waiting in the lobby for him. Charles pops his AirPods in, clicking play on the next song on the playlist. It’s more upbeat than the last couple of songs, and if it weren’t for the mere fact it was on a playlist you made for him, he would be bopping along. 

“Finally mate,” Carlos greets, standing from the lounge chair he was sitting in. “C’mon, I’ll drive.” 

Charles smiles at the few fans who were waiting, leaning into some photos and politely turning away autographs due to lack fo time. His teammate doesn’t make any conversation, which Charles is thankful for. He knew it was a bit rude to keep his earphones in but he just needs this. And he thinks that Carlos knows. 

When you first showed him this song, you were in the driver’s seat and singing to him. You wanted to show him your favorite spot to get away, a little bite of paradise that you had never shown anyone. He thinks back to your hair whipping in the wind, sunglasses framing your face nicely as you grinned over at him. The memory of kisses at red lights and giggles along the way burn his lips. He has to rub them again, to remind himself that it was no longer real. 

Can you see what I'm not saying from my eyes?. All I know is love, for you it's real. You pulled your sunglasses to the edge of your nose, shooting him a wink. He laughed, leaning in to kiss you. He never ever wanted to stop kissing you. Never. 

“Here.” 

Charles nods and pulls his AirPods out, placing them back in the case and tossing them into the glove box of the loaned Ferrari. The event goes as every event goes, with forced conversations as Charles tries to wow sponsors about the potential Ferrari has yet to tap with their help. He does his best, but after the fourth conversation he’s spent and wishes that he ended up bringing his AirPods down. But Mattia would have his neck, so he settles for the only beer he is allowed for the night. He watches as Carlos speaks to another aged man, a wide smile on his lips as he shakes the man’s hand and walks away. The Spaniard raises is brows with an exasperated expression.

“Eso fue demasiado.” That was too much. Carlos mumbles, plopping next to Charles. “You doing okay?”

“Yeah. Just tired. Didn’t get to nap.” Carlos clicks his tongue and Charles chuckles.

“What song were you listening to in the car?” The man leans back into the chair, drinking his water.

“Ah… just an old one a friend showed me a while ago.”

“Who? Dove?”

Charles is quick to shake his head, “Pfft, no.” 

The look on his friend’s face shows that he is unconvinced, but he chooses not to comment. “Have you spoken to her?”

“No. Of course not.”

Carlos nods, “Just asking. She still talks to Lando every now and again. Saw them on FaceTime in-.” 

“Carlos, please.” Charles chokes on air, shaking his head and effectively shutting his teammate up. “Sorry… I just can’t.”

There is a pang of jealousy that runs through Charles’ blood. Why wouldn’t you talk to Lando? He was one of your closest friends, long before the two of you were anything. He tries to coax himself off a cliff of insecurity he built himself in the short span of time. Nothing works, and if he didn’t know any better he would think that Carlos could see the smoke fuming from his ears.

“Sorry. Listen, if it means anything at all… she’s not seeing anyone.” 

Charles nods, not sparing another word on the matter. The night dwindles to a close in a bout twenty minutes time, and Carlos drives the both of them home. One AirPod returns to his ear, the song from earlier picking up from where it left off. 

And for you, girl, I swear I'd do the worst.  He would. He would do anything for you. If you called him right this second and asked him to fly to you, he would. Hell or high water he’d find a way. His phone vibrates, and he looks down in hope. But it dies as quickly as it comes, Hannah’s name illuminating his screen in the form of a FaceTime call. He leaves it to ring, looking out the window and patiently waiting for the song to resume. 

-

Silverstone was an absolute shit show. From the red flag to the shit strategy that costed him a podium, he was not doing well. He did his best to keep up with appearances, answered questions with the list of generic answers he had memorized in the back of his head from years of media training. But he knew, there was no hiding the disappointment in his features. You always said his eyes gave him away. 

Charles barely kept it together through the team photo, his hand gripping the energy drink in his hand as he bites down in the back of his mouth to smile at the camera. He has never left the track faster in his life. The ride back to the hotel was accompanied by dull British radio and his phone going off with calls and texts from people checking up on him. He didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to discuss the day further. When he finally rolls into his bed, his fingers move ahead of his mind, and he calls a name before even reading it. 

It rings once. twice. thrice. It rings until your voicemail plays. Sweet, soft melodic voice reminding him of the beep. He wished you picked up, even if it was to say never to call you again. But he settled for the recording before speaking. 

“Hi… sorry. I just needed to talk to someone but you must be busy. Or…. tu ne veux pas me parler. You don't want to talk to me. That’s fine.” Charles pauses, wondering if this was worth it. But he sighs and continues anyways, “Today wasn’t a good day. Je suis vraiment bouleversé en ce moment. I’m really upset right now. You always knew what to say, so I thought I’d call. Sorry. I lo— Bye.” 

Charles hangs up before he can make himself an even bigger fool of himself. He shakes his head, dropping his phone next to him on the bed. A groan rumbles from his throat, frustration growing within him. He fucking hated his situation. He hated not winning, of slipping through the cracks, of feeling alone while being surrounded by people who want to help him. He hated that in his mind, you the only thing that could cure the sick feeling in his stomach.  

He flies back to Monaco the same night, opting out of a celebratory trip for Carlos. He apologized, promising his teammate a treat of sorts when they see each other again. Hannah was so kind to pick him up, even if he insisted he could’ve just taken a cab. Nonsense, she said on the phone. She was so excited to see him, and Charles felt bad for ignoring her for the last couple of days. Charles held her hand, kissed her sweetly, invited her up, buried himself in her in all attempts to forget about the weekend behind him, to forget that he had made a fool of himself. He wanted to forget that he tried to call you. But as he lays in his bed, watching her chest rise and fall with every breath, he finds himself wishing you had answered. He wished that you were there instead. 

Charles finally gets around to answering some texts, opting to go sit in his living room since the jet lag refused to let him sleep. He sent many ‘thank yous’ to friends and family, curt responses to fool one into thinking that he was fine. He types and types until his eyes are raw and there wasn’t a single text left unread. By the time Charles put’s his phone down, it’s nearly three in the morning. His mind is a jumble of thoughts, of the hopes of the future and troubles of the past. He grabs his little blue journal on the table and begins to write furiously. He writes every hazy thought, laying the words out on the page before him until his hand burns and eyes are blurred with tears. His breathing turns heavy, heart racing, the anger finally getting the best of him. He has to drop the pen on the table. Every part of his body is burning with exhaustion, but his mind continues to race and effectively keep him awake. 

Life moves in waves, and Charles feels as though his dip is deeper than most times he can recall in his brief 24 year stint on earth. There were many lows, but he always knew that he’d find a way up and out of it. But now, with his career, wounded ego, and more so his injured heart, it seems that the riptide continues to drag him under. It’s began to get harder and harder to breath in life, and he was worried that it would continue to feel that way. He was worried that he wouldn’t be able to swim up, and that scared him.  

“Charles?” 

The Monegasque jumps in his seat, turning to see Hannah watching him from the door frame of his room. 

“Y’scared me.” He mumbles, standing up and walking over to her and planting a soft kiss on her forehead. “Go to back to bed Han, I’ll be there in a second.” 

Her hand rests on his chest whilst his rest comfortably on her hip. He squeezes gently, smiling tiredly at her. Her large brown eyes dart left and right, searching his face for a clue as to what he might be feeling but found nothing. She couldn’t read him, not matter how hard she tried. “Why don’t you talk to me?”

Charles tilts his head, “Comment cela?” What do you mean?

“There’s something going on in your head, like a storm. And I try to read you, and to understand, but I feel like every time I try you move further from me.” 

Charles’ hand drops from her as he takes a step back, “There isn’t anything to talk about Hannah.” 

“I think that there is. Why won’t you-“

“Ça suffit! That’s enough! Leave it. Please.” 

The man doesn’t notice the way she jumped when he raised his voice, or the sadness brewing in her eyes as they gloss over in tears. He simply walks away to his kitchen, leaving her standing in the doorway, confused and hurt. He can’t feel bad, he can’t feel anything other than exhaustion. Charles pours himself a glass of water, gulping it down before smacking it back on the counter. Any harder and the glass would’ve broken. Hannah walks into the kitchen, and he fights the urge to groan. 

“Do you not want me here? Because I can leave Charles. I’ll go and let you sulk here. By yourself.” 

He doesn’t answer, just sinks his head into his hands and shutting his eyes. His calloused fingers grip the ends of his hair, tugging in attempts to pull him out of the tiredness he is feeling. 

“Charles-“

“Hannah. Please, please, please.” The worlds come out in mumbles. Soft, but very grim. “Not now.”

“I don’t know what else I can do for you Charles.” Her voice is soft, but it was missing something. “How can I help you? Help me understand. Help me help you Charles.”

Guilt eats him up at the sound of her voice, the willingness, the want to be there with him even when he is unmistakably pushing her away. Tears spring to his eyes, seeping through his closed lids and onto the heel of his hands. Fuck, he thinks. He knows his answer, he knows the words he wants to say. It sits in the back of his throat, burning and bubbling past his lips. Charles forces himself to look up from his hands, the light in the kitchen burning his eyes. Hannah’s are soft, worried at the sight of Charles’ red and sad eyes as he looks up at her.

“You can’t.” His voice comes out broken, and she doesn’t fully register what he means. “You can’t help me Hannah. I can’t even help myself.”

She doesn’t respond, just looks at him with sad eyes. Her hand comes up to push his brown locks off his forehead before cupping his cheek. Hannah just presses a kiss to his forehead, lips lingering longer than he’d anticipated. There is a bit of a weight in the silence between them, and it allows the guilt in the Monegasque to fester even more. He coughs out a sob, shaking his head and pulling away from the soft embrace, one he knows he does not deserve.

“I’ll go.” Hannah says softly, “I’ll leave you. And when you’re ready-“

“Hannah, no,” Charles shakes his head, “You don’t get it it. You can’t help me, because I don’t want you to. You aren’t who I need, who I want.”

The girl stood before him, his harsh words causing her jaw to fall slack and tears to gloss over her eyes. There were a string of regrets and hateful words that fall from her lips, accusations of time wasted and the promise of never being able to forgive him. He watched her as she gathered herself and sauntered out of his life. With the slam of the door, Charles released a breath and groaned as he plops onto his couch. And finally, exhaustion takes its toll and pulls him into a deep slumber.

—  

His family boat had finally gotten out of the shop during his little break, and he decides to take it out onto the water. He spent many summer as a child, out in the deep blue. He enjoyed the peace, the feeling of being far away from such a busy world. His father taught him how to drive the boat, and where the best places to dock was. Charles didn’t drive out too far, just enough for his city to be covered by his thumb if he held it out. He strips himself of the blue button up and sits out on the deck. He is quick to open Spotify, playing the next song on the playlist on the boat speaker.

Keep Driving — Harry Styles

Charles lays back, the sun hitting his pale skin and warming him up. He tries to enjoy the sound of the waves against the side of the boat and the poppy beat of the song playing. He tries to enjoy the world around him for what it is, enjoy his solitude for what it is. But even in the peace he’s found himself in, his mind races. He thinks about Monaco and Canada, even the race just a week before. The universe hasn’t been too kind with him, both on and off the track. 

Harry Styles is a world renowned artist, and he would be lying if he said that he didn’t like a lot of his songs. His most recent album was his— and your— favorite. The poppy beat playing over the speaker brings a smile to his lips, the memory of drive out of to the port and this very song playing in his car. He remembers the way the wind whips through your hair, your hand moving up and down in the quick moving air. His sunglasses adorned your face, as did his Monza hoodie. From head to toe, you were dripping in him. 

You turned to face him, a smile on your lips as you leaned over to press a kiss to his jaw. Maple syrup, coffee. Pancakes for two. He would never forger the way your lips felt against him as you peppered kisses up his jaw. Hash brown, egg yolk. I will always love you.

You moved onto your knees, turning in your seat to look at him. As the song sped up, so did you. You sung along with Harry, your voice all the more appealing to him. It was easy to tune the man out and listen to you. He pulled up to his space, putting his car in park and allowing you to finish out the song. A smile curves onto his lips at the memory of you popping off your seatbelt, leaning over the middle console to get closer to him. He couldn’t help himself in that moment, his hand grabbing the back of your neck to kiss you feverishly. Choke her, with a sea view.

Goosebumps prickle his skin, and his shorts begin to tighten at the thought of the cramped backseat and your warmth.

He sits on the bow of Monza, blue notebook in hand as he flips through the pages he had crammed with his thoughts. He stops at one dated two months ago, a letter addressed to you. 

Dove, 

One month without you seems too long. I miss you, but I know you’re doing well and that is the only thing keeping me away. Not having you here with me, at my home race no less, feels wrong. It feels empty. Everything feels empty without you. 

One month of being without you has been my personal torture, and I can’t seem to get anything right anymore. I wish that I could call, to just hear your voice and sound advice. But that would be selfish of me, would it not. So instead I write. I write letters to you, ones you will never read. It’s the only thing that makes sense to do. 

I’m sorry I was no longer good for you, and I’m sorry that it took you walking away from me to realize that I needed to do more. Your happiness, though away from me, is the only thing I find comfort in throughout this fucked up situation I find myself. At least you’re happy. Even if I’m not.

I love you. 

Charles

His handwriting was slanted, sloppy, the words quickly strung out on the page. It was one he wrote two minutes before qualifying, where he earned pole position. He’d imagine you would be happy for him, that if you were there you would greet him with kisses and a tight hug. You would say how proud you are of him, shower him in kind words. He flips the page, the letter he wrote after the race.

Dove. It hurts more than it should. Come home, I need you.

Hollywood Forever — Finneas

The music slowed down considerably, the soft notes of the piano vibrating through the speaker. D major, then G major, in sequence until Finneas’ voice serenades him softly. Bury me in Hollywood, forever… underneath the starry sky. Charles maneuvers his way from the bow of the yacht to the wheel, turning the engine on and turning back around to cruise home. The sun has moved down considerably, nearly kissing the ocean. The sky turns from blue to pink before his eyes, the lights of Monaco flickering on. Home has never looked more beautiful. For the briefest of moments he is able to relish in his city and appreciate. With the accompaniment of the soft music, he felt like he was falling in love all over again. 

Monaco was always his city, but never yours. Maybe that was the disconnect. He always expressed his desire to live in Monaco at the end of his career, to raise his family on the same streets he did. And in all the times he shared those dreams with you, you’d smile and nod, never really saying much. He assumed then that it was because you simply agreed, but maybe you didn’t. 

I don't ever wanna find out how it ends…

This song played at your best friend’s wedding. The couple having their first dance, and in turn invited couples to join them as the song changes. He offered you his hand, which you gracefully took and allowed him to lead you to the dance floor. And though it was crowded with people in love, to him it was just the two of you. His hands rested comfortably on your hips while your fingers played with the hair at the nape of his neck. There were no words, just longing looks that read with so much love and hope. Hope for the future you both dreamed of. Love for one another, one you both believed would never end. Ignorance truly was bliss. 

Missed you harder than I thought I'd get to, we just never had the time. Maybe it was his inconsistent schedule, the fluctuation of time spent together and apart no longer suited your needs. This season had shown Charles his ability to reach new heights, it made reaching for the stars a little less scary. For a moment in time, he had everything in his grasp. And then one by one, they all seemed to trickle through his fingers like sand. Perhaps, he was just no longer enough for you. 

And I don't wanna change the station, because you're the only one I like at 2AM. You would always be enough for him, Charles thought. Even miles away, apart from him, happier without him, it was enough for him. He can live in satisfaction that at least you got it right. 

He ties off his boat onto the pier, pausing the song so that he can continue listening on his drive home. A bag of his belongings slung over his shoulder, and his phone in one hand as he mindlessly taps your name to call you again. Just as it was in Silverstone, your sweet voicemail rings through the speaker.

“Hi. Drove out to our spot today, and was thinking about everything. Thinking about you. I’m sorry I called you last week, it was kind of selfish… well really selfish actually. I’m sorry. I hope you’re well… I hope you’re happy. I really do. I lo—“ He hesitates, throat closing up as the words try to roll off his tongue as effortlessly as it once did. Tears prickle his eyes but he shakes his head. “I won’t call you again. I’m sorry.” 

He ends the call and stuffs his phone in his pocket.

— 

Charles seems to fuck up everything in his path. He can’t hold onto a piece of good very long. The World Drivers Championship was beyond him now, and summer break now marked the halfway point of the season. He was meant to take a break, forget about spinning out and questionable strategy. But he can only spend so many days under the scorching Monaco sun, or nights out at clubs with his friends. His mind was not on break mode, and no matter how much he drank, slept, or swam, he was still thinking of work.

“Charles honey, get off your phone.” His mom scolds, patting his head as she passes him.

He lets his phone slide from his fingers, dropping onto his lap. Charles smiles over at his mom, standing from his seat and walking over to the kitchen. He attempts to steal a bite of food, but his mother slaps his hand away and he giggles. 

“‘M hungry.” 

“I know. But we need to wait for your brothers.” She mumbles, “Go eat a banana or something.” She waves him off and he chuckles. Charles settles on the stool by the kitchen island, taking his mom’s advice and grabbing a banana. 

Staying with mom has always been Charles’ great escape. No matter what happens to him, how far he is, Pascale will always be waiting for him with open arms. Whenever life wasn’t treating him so kindly, she was always ready with a remedy. She loved her sons more than anything, and they are her life line as she is to them. Charles watches as his mom effortlessly maneuvers her way through the kitchen. There is a faint smell of garlic in the air, and it makes the boy’s mouth water. 

“It’s really good that you came to visit, mon doux garçon. My sweet boy. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you too Mama.” He affirms, taking a bite of his fruit.

“Missed your cooking as well.”

She laughs, “Of course you did.” 

There a few moments of silence as she finishes what she is doing in the pan, and then sticking a dish in the oven. Then she finally turns, the beige towel in her hands as she dries off her hands. “What’s on your mind?”

Charles smiles knowingly, looking down at his fingers as he shrugs. “What isn’t?”

“Ay, mon doux.” She shakes her head, “You don’t have to carry the weight all by yourself, you know?”

He looks up at his mom, “Yeah… but sometimes I feel like I have to.”

She nods. Pascale knows her son all too well, how gentle hearted he is and his need to carry the burden if it means making life easier for those around him. She loves her son, and it nearly breaks her to see how defeated he is. But she also knows that he is more than his results, more than the trials and tribulations he is going through in life. 

“You are strong Charles, thick skin, like your Papa. He’d be proud.” She says softly, walking around the counter to press a kiss to the back of his head, “But he would also remind you that it’s okay to not be so strong sometimes. That it is okay to show that you are vulnerable, not okay.”

She gives his shoulder one last squeeze before leaving him to his thoughts. He sighs, pulling his phone out and scrolling through multiple notifications until his eyes land on your name. You posted on instagram, and he is quick to open the app and see. It is a photo of you, sitting by the water, skin glistening in the sun. And your smile, oh your beautiful smile. It made his heart beat a little quicker. But then he really looks at the photo, the background. The blue water, and the fact that you weren’t sitting on sand, but on a pier. He knew exactly where you are.

You’re in Monaco.

He feels his heart come up his throat. You were in Monaco, his city. He felt psychotic, fighting the urge to jump in his car and look for you. He wanted to drive around, pretend to accidentally bump into you and it would be a fairytale reconciliation. But then he hears his brother’s voice, announcing his arrival, and he is grounded. He promised in a silly voicemail you probably never listened to that he would leave you alone. And he will. He’ll do the right thing and leave you alone. 

Charles was quiet for most of dinner, Arthur talking the most throughout the entire meal. So much so that Lorenzo begged him to shut up. Pascale observes the middle child, who sits to her right, idly pushing a piece of pasta around on his plate. 

“Mon doux,” His mom whispers, “please eat.” 

“Désolé maman.” Sorry mom. He nods and continues to eat. 

“Oh, I saw Dove today. She says hi to everyone.” Arthur’s voice is so nonchalant, Charles nearly misses your nickname. His eyes grow wide at the realization and he looks up from his plate to his little brother. Arthur doesn’t spare him a glance, just munching along on his dinner. 

Lorenzo kicks the youngest Leclerc under the table, and it is then when Arthur realizes his mistake. “Sorry. Yeah uh… sorry.”

“Is she well?” Charles asks, ignoring the awkward air between them. 

“Yeah, I think. We didn’t get to talk much, since we were just passing by.” Arthur answers. “Sorry.”

“No. Don’t be. Good that she’s good.”

And that was that. Dinner is quiet for the rest of the evening, and isn’t long until the boys are quietly cleaning up the mess while their mother gets ready for bed. Charles and Arthur wash the dishes, while Lorenzo takes out the trash. The brothers are quiet in their chore, Arthur washing and rinsing as Charles wipes down and puts them away. 

“Is she happy?” Charles asks softly, breaking the silence.

Arthur pauses, confused for a brief moment before realizing what he meant by his question. “Maybe you should ask her.” 

Charles shakes his head, “I can’t. I could try, but I can’t. And I shouldn’t.”

Arthur nods. “I never understood what went wrong between the two of you Charles. Everything was so good, no?”

“I thought so… but I guess I was wrong.” Charles dries his hands as he places the last of the dishes away. 

The day you broke up was not a memory Charles liked to look back on. It was a memory he kept stored away in the furthest corner of his mind. But he knew no matter how much he tried to bury it, there was no erasing the fact it happened. He’d never forget the look in your eyes, the tears on your cheeks as you watched him pace before you. You apologized and apologized, but for what? 

“Why do you think this can’t work out anymore, dove?”

“Charles, I already said why. We’re not in the same place in life. You’re moving a thousand miles a minute, moving so fast uphill and I’m not able to keep up. I can’t keep being your arm candy, the smiling supportive girlfriend while I’m literally drowning in my misery.” 

“Chérie, please.” 

“Charles, I’ve made up my mind. I need this. Don’t make this harder than it has to be.”

He can remember the rage seething beneath his skin. He didn’t understand why you wanted to push him away, why you felt so miserable. He didn’t get it then. He still doesn’t understand. Maybe he should’ve fought harder, but you were already so defeated he didn’t think it was the right thing to do then.

“Do you not love me anymore?”

“Will saying I don’t make it easier for you to let me go?”

Your words sent a shiver up his spine.

Arthur leans against the counter, looking at his older brother who is deep in thought. “She said she’s moving back to Monaco… she found a job in the city.” Charles looks up, and he feels a spark of hope light up in the pit of his stomach. You were here to stay. “She didn’t say where, or what… but you know… you never know.”

With that, Arthur pushes himself up and pats his brother on the back, retreating to his room to go to sleep and effectively leaving Charles to ponder over you. 

Maybe in time, the Monegasque thought to himself, the universe will let our paths cross once more.

—

The last three days of the summer break, Charles spent getting back into his normal routines. Not that Andrea would let him stray from it, but he was granted a couple of cheat days so that he could really enjoy his break. And of course, with the break coming to a close, it wouldn’t be complete if the other nineteen drivers attempted one last hoorah before returning to the track and vying for a win. But of course, twenty men trying to plan to come together required a miracle. And that was something none of them had. At the end of it, the only ones able to attend the “last hoorah” was Charles, Lando, Max, Pierre, and surprisingly George. The rest of the grid was either still in the middle of traveling back, or staying one more day in their little piece of paradise. 

The club was packed for a Wednesday. By the time the boys had pulled up to check in, the general admissions line was a mile long, and the music was already starting to blend into the immense chatter. Charles is thankful that Max had secured a table for the group, and that they didn’t have to wait long. They were sat in the far back, just two tables to the left of the DJ booth. Bottle service was quick, and in no time Charles had a glass of Black Label whiskey between his hands. The music is typical house music, the DJ another one of Lando’s friends. 

From where he is sitting, he can see the entire dance floor, and the second bar which happens to be right by his table. There is a huge crowd of people who had occupied the space in front of the DJ, multitudes of people rubbing backs to fronts and wandering hands. He was almost jealous, wishing that he could stomach the idea of being one of those people. But you couldn’t pump the man with enough alcohol to get him there. He was far too comfortable being a wallflower, quietly observing those around him as he sips on his drink. 

“I bought us a round!” 

Max grins as the lady brings a tray of shot glasses, each of them filled to the brim with a clear liquid. One would assume it’s vodka, but knowing Max it was likely— 

“Tequila!"

Charles grimaces, but he isn’t easily defeated. And one cheesy toast later, he is throwing the foul tasting liquid down his throat. French curse words are muttered beneath his breath as he attempts to shake away the taste. Charles opts to pass on the next two rounds, to which Pierre calls him out for. 

“Party pooper!” 

Charles smirks, sipping his whiskey as he watches his normally composed friends turn into giggly drunks. He looks around the club, eyes scanning the crowd until a sparkly blue dress catches his eyes. He does a double take, but the shiny thing disappears into the crowd. His heart picks up, and he swears he knows who it was. But then his friends are yelling at him and he has to turn away. The time flies by, and soon he is calling every single girlfriend to pick up their respective drive until it is just him and Pierre. He throws his best friend into the back seat of his car with a bottle of water, a plastic bag, and threats if the Frenchman threw up anywhere in his car. As he strolls to the driver side, the sparkle of blue catches his eye and his head snaps in that direction. 

The girl is slumped on the bench, head in her hands as her elbows rest on her thighs. Charles notices the way the girl’s body sways ever so slightly. She was far too drunk to be sitting alone, waiting for God only know who. He walks up to her, and the closer he gets the more familiar she becomes. It isn’t until the girl finally looks up with puffy eyes and mascara stained cheeks does he realize who it is.

“Dove?”

Your face contorts into one of sadness, mumbling ‘oh nos’ over and over as you try to hide behind your hands.

“Dove, what’s wrong?” He reaches out to you, but you flinch. 

“No please.” 

Charles’ heart stings, but he listens to you. “Who are you here with?” You shrug and he can’t help but let disappointment take over his features. “Dove, who?”

“Don’t say it like that, like you’re mad at me.” You slur. 

Charles sighs, “I’m not mad. Just worried.”

You nod, but still don’t answer. Instead, he watches as you turn into a shaking mess of sobs. He doesn’t know if he should hold you, or if there was anything he could say. Suddenly, he was unsure of what to do when it came to you. So he stood there, heart aching as you cry before him. 

“Dove—“

“Charles, please.” 

His mouth clamps shut for a moment before he opens again, “Do you want me to take you home?”

You look up at him, eyes red and puffy, but wide in shock. “You don’t have too.”

“Yeah, but I want to.” You don’t answer, so he extends his hand, “C’mon. I’ll take you home.” 

You nod, reaching out and using his hand to pull yourself up from the bench. Your hold leaves as quickly as it comes, and Charles wishes that your hand stayed in his for a moment longer. He watches as you stumble to his Ferrari, yanking the passenger door and falling into the seat. He inhales deeply, attempting to subdue his nerves before climbing into the drivers seat. Charles thanks the heavens Pierre is snoring softly in the back, and not mumbling any nonsense like he normally would.

“Where do you stay?” 

The drive to you apartment is only 5 minutes further up the road from Charles’ place, and it nearly made him choke. The car ride is silent, only Pierre’s soft snores and mumbles filling the space. When he pulls up to the front, he looks over at you. Your eyes are cast downwards at your fingers, thumbs twiddling in your lap. 

“Will you come back and spend the night?”

Charles chokes. He finally fucking chokes. “Dove, I don’t think…”

“I’m not that drunk Charles. Please?”

This was it, this was his chance. But as he stared at you and your sad eyes, the moment felt wrong. “I’ll walk you up. Okay?”

Your shoulders drop, and you’re quick to shake your head. “No. It’s fine, I can do it myself. Thanks for the ride.” 

The boy is frozen in his seat for a second as you hastily climb out. It takes you slamming the door shut before he scrambles out after you. “Dove!”

“Goodnight Charles!” You yell, not turning back. You can hear Charles’ shoes smacking on the concrete as he jogs up to you. He grabs your arm, skin burning at the contact, pulling you so that are facing him.

“Text me in the morning, then I’ll know you mean it.” 

Your lips fall agape, an argument ready to bubble past your lips. But instead you nod, too tired to argue. So you nod harder, avoiding his gaze. “Yeah. Okay.” 

“Do you still want me to walk you up?”

“No. No I’m okay. Thank you again.” 

Charles stands on the stoop, waiting until you make it past the front doors of your building. It isn’t until he sees you walk into the elevator through the glass doors does he finally retreat to his car and cruise back to his apartment.

Off My Face — Justin Bieber

Charles finally rolls into bed at nearly three in the morning. His body is exhausted, and it doesn’t take too long for him to fall asleep. But that wasn’t before he turned on his music, specifically your playlist, to lull him to sleep. 

His dreams are influenced by the Justin Bieber song, the boy not completely unconscious as the songs plays. The images his mind displays are of you, playing real memories that you shared together. It’s like a movie, he can hear the echos of your laugh and butchered French. He sees flashes of your smile, feels the ghost of your touch.

Your touch blurred my vision, it’s your world and I'm just in it. Even sober I'm not thinkin' straight.

He turns over in his bed, staring at the empty space that you used to occupy. The pillowcase lays unwrinkled, the sheets pressed and untouched. His fingers graze over the material, imagining for a second that you are laying next to him. He can see the way your chest rises and falls, head turned towards the moon while your fingers grasp onto his. Charles nearly caves at the idea of driving back to you, knocking on every door until you answer. And I don't know how you do it, but I'm forever ruined by you.

Sleep finally wins, taking him to a place where all he sees is you. You consume his every thought, every imagination, that night. For the first time, Charles sleeps with a little bit of hope. There are some things dreams can’t truly emulate, and that’s the feeling of your warmth. The sun forces him out of the dirty dream, and he groans softly. His head was swirling, trying to piece together the bits and pieces of  you from his dreams. 

He grabs his phone, bitterly disappointed. 

8:36 am, and not one text from you.

—

Paris in the Rain — Lauv

Charles finds himself sitting at his favorite coffee shop in Monaco, in the furthest booth in the back of cafe. He sips on his coffee, scrolling through his computer as he tries to answer emails and prepare himself for the second half of the season. He slips his headphones on, mindlessly pressing play and allowing the song to play.

It was the next song on the playlist, and the angry part of him wants to change it. You never texted him. It’s been thirty-six hours since he dropped you home, and it’s been radio silence. He was frustrated, ultimately let down by your lack of communication. He almost wishes that he had taken you up on your offer, almost wishes he had chosen to be selfish. 

The only thing stopping him from changing the song is the fact that it’s the one song attached to the perfect memory. Paris in the rain is his favorite memory with you. 

It was one of the first trips you had taken together outside of race weekends. Charles wanted the trip to be perfect, but the weather had different plans. He planned a whole day, only for the overcast and rain to ruin it completely.

“I’m so sorry Dove, this isn’t what I had planned for us.” Charles mumbled, kissing your temple. 

You were more than understanding, and somehow you manage to convince him to go out in the middle of the night, when the streets were quiet and the city half asleep. You were clad in a blue dress, Charles’ linen button top matching you. You both sit on the picnic blanket, eating all the snacks you bought in the hotel gift shop. Then it’s one drop, then another, then another until the drizzle grows heavier and heavier. 'Cause anywhere with you feels right.

He can never erase the memory of your laughter as he chases you around the park, clothes drenched from the rain. He hears you squeals as he picks you up and throwing you over his shoulder, and your complaints that he wasn’t playing fair. It truly was a scene from a book, like a writer describing the perfect moment in which two character will fully admit they are in love with each other. But neither of you had to say anything. Words couldn’t justify the way your hearts wanted to thump out of your chests as you stare into each other’s eyes. 

Don't know how I ever did it all without you.

Charles answers the last of his emails, finally shutting his computer and transferring his attention to his phone. He scrolls through Instagram, sipping idly on his coffee. He double taps nearly every photo on his feed until someone slides into the seat front of him. He looks up from his phone, eyes wide as he meets your gaze. 

“Knew you’d be here.” You say softly. 

Charles takes one more sip before setting his cup down, “Yeah, guess you did.” 

The air between the both of you is thick, tense, awkward. Neither of you speak, instead sitting uncomfortably while you wait for the other to say just about anything. 

“I know I didn’t text and I—“

“Dove, it’s fine.” 

“Charles, shut up and let me talk.” Your eyes grow wide, brows furrowed in an attempt to look stern. The Monegasque nods, leaning back in his seat and waiting for you to speak. “I’m sorry. Moving back has been a lot, adjusting has been a lot… seeing you has been a lot. I was getting used to the idea of my independence and then you try to call me and leave voicemails…”

“I’m sorry.” Charles’ voice is genuine. All the anger that was inside of him dissipates as he looks up at you. “I wasn’t thinking.” 

“Don’t say sorry. It was nice to hear from you… and I’m sorry about everything going on.”

The boy smiles, nodding. “Yeah. Me too.”

There it is again, that awkward air settling between the two of you. Three, nearly four, months of time apart doesn’t make the conversation flow as easily as either of you wished. There used to be a million things that Charles wanted to tell you, the pages in his little blue notebook proving it. But it didn’t feel right, didn’t feel fair to pour out his heartache from the last four months onto your lap. 

So instead Charles scrambles for his book, flipping through the pages and carefully tearing out two pages. He folds them nicely and sliding them over to you. 

“I… I have to go. But I thought that maybe you should read it. I wrote it to you when I got back home from Silverstone.” Charles gathers his things, mindlessly leaning down to press a kiss to the top of your head. “You look good, Dove. It makes me happy.”

You watch as the man walks away from you, shoulders high and steps calm. The paper sits beneath your fingers, holding whatever tormented Charles the night he wrote it. Truth be told, you weren’t sure what you were expecting when you came to the cafe. You half expected Charles to be here, that things would roll out on the table as easily as it did in your head and that maybe you could both come to some sort of agreement on your relationship. 

Yes, it’s been done. Long over, time separating the two of you. But you would be lying if you said you didn’t miss him in the time spent apart. Even if you knew that what you decided what was right for the both of you, it didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt. Four months ago, you were in no headspace to be with Charles. You could no longer be what he needed, or wanted, even if he claimed that you would always be enough. How could you be, when you weren’t even enough for yourself? You remember the anxiety induced thoughts, nightmare of Charles’ resentful stare as you plummeted further and further into your hole of poor mental health. 

Solitude was what you needed, being your own individual person away from Charles is what you needed. And although you live with the pain of breaking his and your own heart, it wasn’t a decision you regret making. 

You carefully slide the paper into your purse, standing and walking out of the coffee shop. Monaco was gloomier than most days, the grey clouds threatening to pour rain on the beautiful city. Tiny droplets tap on your windshield, pit pat, reminding you fondly of Paris in the rain, some months ago.

—

The moment summer break ended, Charles was back to traveling city to city, sitting in his bright red car to race in loops. Laps and laps, the days blurring into the next, but not without thinking of you. You never texted him about the pieces of his journal that he handed off, but you did wish him luck every now and again. You were both in this weird limbo, unsure of where the line is, and just how close either of you can get to crossing it. 

Charles was worried you had thrown the note away, or maybe it was lost. There were no talks about it, not questions, and it makes him queasy. Desperation grows inside of him, festering with the stress and anxiety that had been brewing in the pit of his gut. Andrea looks at him, the way his leg bounces as he fiddles with the sleeve of his fireproofs. 

“You’re gonna do fine mate, don’t worry so much. Just practice.”

The Monegasque looks up at his friend, smiling curtly before grabbing his baclava from the seat next to him. “Right. Just practice.”

He goes through the motions, hopping into his car, testing his gears, patiently waiting until he is allowed to drive on the track. There is constant back and forth between him and the pit wall, Charles making several comments about the feel, and the engineers reporting data back. They comment his poor speed in the first two sectors, pushing him to speed up in the last one. Charles does his best, but is still nine hundredths of second slower than Max. He goes again, desperately trying to push the car to its limit. But it doesn’t perform how he had hoped. He didn’t perform how he had hoped. 

Charles groans, a bit of aggression in his movements as he takes apart his gear so that he can climb out. No one tries to speak to him as he rushes straight to the screen, ready to read and listen to the data gathered from the first free practice. But that only did so much, Charles finishing P3 in the second practice, two places behind his teammate. 

Sunflower — Rex Orange County

When Charles returns to the hotel, your playlist was already playing on shuffle. The music had become his white noise, comforting but no longer something he noticed so much. He really did miss you now, and he finally gives in to the urge to text you. He asks if he could call you before he gets ready for bed. But even once he’s in his boxers, pulling the covers back, there is no response. Charles decides to call you anyways, but the ringing stops almost immediately. 

You declined his call. 

His heart speeds up, attempting to go through every form of social media to see if you were okay. He looked for any signs of life, even texting you to ask if you’re alright. A moment of relief comes in the form of the grey bubble popping up, the three dots showing that you were typing. But your text makes his throat run dry.

Read your note. 

That was it. No reaction, no explanation. Just three words and then silence. Charles tries to call you again, but you are quick to decline. He tries two more times, and each time you deny speaking to him. He texts you, asking what’s wrong. But there is no response. 

I want to know/ where I can go / when you're not around. Panic ensues. Charles is sweating as he throws the covers off his body and clambers into sweats and a shirt that were already sprawled out on the couch. He attempts to call Lando, see if you had told him anything. But the phone rings til the call fails. He calls you again, and you decline.

Dove, answer please. Talk to me. Say something.  Anything.

No response. The boy rummages through his notebook, ensuring that he handed you the right pages. He did. He racks his brain, scouring through his brain as he tries to remember every single word he wrote on that page. He still can’t fathom what could’ve made you mad. Charles spends the night on his bedroom floor, back pressed against his bedside as he waits for his phone to ring with your name. Tryna keep my mind at bay, Sunflower still grows at night.

He thinks of the song playing, tracing the first memory he has of the song. It was a while ago, when you had just started coming to more races in the red garage. It wasn’t a particularly strong weekend for Charles, everyday growing more and more frustrating as he feels his failures in the red car adding up. He was on his way up to you after the debriefing, completely tired and defeated after a terrible 3rd practice and average qualifying. It was late, way beyond a reasonable bedtime, so he was surprised to see you still awake. You were half read for bed, rubbing your face clean of make up and dirt with just a Ferrari hoodie and leggings on. He remembers the song bumping in the background through your phone, they way you bounced from hip to hip as you hum along. 

You didn’t register his sullen face, or maybe you just didn’t want to acknowledge it. You saunter over to him pressing a soft kiss on his lips without stopping your dance. You know you need to get yourself to sleep and dream a dream of you and I, you sing, lifting his arm and twirling in front of him. He found it hard to fight the smile forming on his face, the hard weekend suddenly the least of his worries. 

There's no need to keep an open eye, I promise I'm the one for you just let me hold you in these arms tonight. You wrapped his arms around your torso, forcing his body to move with yours. You watched as his brows relaxed, and a shy smile curves on his lips as he leans in to kiss you one more time.

His phone chimes, your name lighting up the screen.

We’ll talk when you get back. Get some sleep. Good luck tomorrow.

—

More of You — MAGIC!

Charles sits at the top of the Sedici, fingers moving up and down the silver wheel as he waits for you to arrive. His heart is in his stomach, but the feeling was no longer foreign to him. He looks at at the coast, the way the golden sun slowly sinks to kiss the ocean. 

“Hey.” 

He turns to face you, standing up with a smile. “Hi Dove.” He gestures to the seat across from him, and you take it.

“It’s nice… different from the Monza for sure. Do you still have her?”

Charles swivels in his chair, pointing the smaller boat next to him, “Yep.” 

You nod, smiling fondly. You shared many moments with him on that little thing, private moments that you keep secure in your heart. There is a brief moment of silence, certainly not a terrible one, but the both of you have seen better moments. You look at Charles, really look at him this time. You count the moles on his face, the lines beneath his eyes. They were still as bright as they were in your dreams. 

There was no way to start, so you pull out the cream pieces of lined paper. You flip it open, and the crinkle of the paper causes Charles to look in your direction. “My dearest Dove…” 

I stare you, sometimes at night, wishing I could just press rewind… ’cause I just want more. Charles watches you, the way your bottom lips is caught between your teeth as you stare at the words from in front of you. Your face is stoic, eyes darting from left to right as you read the words in your head. 

“It is two in the morning. My body is tired, sore, but my mind doesn’t want to stop moving…” Your voice is sweet, contrasting the sad words of the boy from that early July morning. “I wish- I wish that you were here.” 

You finally look up at him, and that’s when Charles sees the tears glossing over your eyes. He reaches out, your fingers quickly finding it’s place in the palms of his hands. He squeezes softly, encouraging you to continue. 

You look up from the paper, folding it shut as you exhale. “You still listened to the playlist?”

He nods, “Yeah. It helped some… but it’s not the same.” 

You smile sadly, looking back down at the paper to continue. “Every song is hand picked, a piece of us and our story. It is an endless cycle of love, of pining, of wishing that we were right next to each other. Do you still listen to these songs, do you still think of me when you do?” 

“Do you?” Charles asks. 

You hum, nodding. “Always.”

Charles can’t help but smile, nodding softly and encouraging you to continue reading the letter.

“I always find myself wishing that you were here with me, here to celebrate every win, but also to forget about the failures. I’m always wishing that I had more of you.” Drops of tears spill onto your cheek, and Charles releases your hand to cup your face. The pad of his thumb swipes it away.

What is this hold you got on me? Stronger force than gravity…

“But you were right. This time apart was necessary. It was needed, and-“

Charles’ hand drops from your face, resting on your thigh as his thumb rubs soothing circles on on your skin. “I think I needed it more than I thought I did.” He finishes

“I’m happy that the world turns in your favor, I think mine is upside down. I’m still trying to find my way, find my independence in the world, find my identity other than the predestined. I’m finding who I am beyond rubber on the track and all the podiums. And if there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that I was always meant to love you. Whether it’s in your presence, or from thousands of miles away, loving you has been and will always be part of my story.” 

In my next life, I'll be looking for you. “In this life and the next, mon cherie.” 

You fold the paper once more, slipping it into your purse. Your fingers find his, looping between them. The silence is light, comfortable, as his green eyes bore into yours. There weren’t any words either of you can say, the note saying just enough for the both of you. 

The sun finally kisses the sea, the sky turning from blue to pink. The world around you dims. 

“In this life and the next, Charles.”

[multifandomqueen01]

Eddie Munson Headcanons

Warning: Just some deep, sad(ish) thoughts and some straight up NSFW. (Excuse the rambling, this man is all I can think about) Please note that I don't claim these as my own headcanons.

************************************

-He tries to seem unphased by what people think of him, as we see during the cafeteria scene, but when he's alone that's when the insecurities creep in.

-Canonically we don't know why his parents aren't present in his life, but I feel like their absence has taken a toll on his self worth. He often wonders why he wasn't good enough, and this is where his need for praise and flattery comes from.

-His poor grades aren't due to lack of intelligence, but most likely undiagnosed ADHD. He struggles to focus on tasks, sit still, and tends to be very forgetful. The system has failed him since day one, which leads me to my next point.

-His sense of rebellion is more than just being a metalhead in the 80s. He knows how corrupt the system can be and how it exists to benefit a certain type of person, which he is not. I'm sure this is why he isn't surprised when he learns about the upside down and everything that the government has hidden.

-Eddie doesn't have a specific type, when it comes to appearance or social status. Although if you're going to date him, you need to understand that DND and his band will take up large chunks of his time. That being said, he'll love if you tag along.

-You don't have to be into drugs or heavy metal, but if you are that's just a bonus, and you'll have alot of fun together.

-He definitely has a tattoo gun of his own and will give you free range to tattoo him. When he realizes that he's in love with you, he'll tattoo your initials on himself without hesitation.

NSFW

-He's a switch, with more submissive tendencies. This man is a total simp and will do anything to make you happy, in and out of the bedroom. That being said, when he's had a rough day he'll be ready to put his handcuffs to work. Tying you up and using you to take out his frustrations.

-I'm OBSESSED with the idea of pussy drunk Eddie, and have seen so many posts about it. There is something about this whiney man that awakens a whole other side of me.

"Oh, Baby. Please, don't stop! Jesus Christ."

-Making out with you will turn him into a desperate mess. Lots of dry humping, and he would definitely be the type to cum in his pants. He'd be a little embarrassed at first and you'd have to assure him that you find it hot.

-Sex with him would never be a dull moment. He's the kind to have you laughing and moaning his name in the same breath.

-He's extremely verbal. The king of dirty talk and will praise you like it's his job.

"That's it, Sweetheart. Just like that."

"Oh my god, you're so fucking beautiful."

-He'll love if the action is reciprocated, wanting to know that he's doing a good job. Calling him a "Good Boy" will have him wrapped around your finger.

-He loves the idea of claiming and marking you as his own. Leaving hickeys where people can see them, and cumming inside you (slight breeding kink), with permission of course.

-He's shamlessly loud during the act, hoping that others will hear.

[dxmichelle]

🌟  2020 fanwork highlights 🌟

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your favourite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2020. Tag as many writers/artists/etc. as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

I was tagged by both @atembomb and @rainstormcolors! 

2020 was wild. As I mentioned in my year-end wrap-up post, I wrote a ton of things, and since you can always check out the post through that link, I’m only going to share a few snippet quote here. 

From Nerdshipping Shenanigans, I present passages from both “Blind Date” and “Weekend Getaway”, which I think were the two best ship pieces I’ve done this year.

In “Blind Date”, Ginny coaxes Hermione to attend Hogwarts’s winter formal, and sets her up with a date in the process.

Ginny turned the page in her book. “Is he stopping by Hogsmeade in two weeks?” There have been three Hogsmeade weekends so far through the year. Each time, Seto had traveled from wherever he was working to see Hermione, and she had never seen her friend so eager to visit the village before in all the years she had known her. One time, he even brought Yugi, and the three of them spent almost the entire afternoon at one of the outside café tables next to Wermes Bookstore.

She looked up to see the smile slip from Hermione’s face. So he wasn’t coming this time…interesting.

“He’s going to be at a convention that weekend,” Hermione said. “But he has the rest of them in his calendar. That was the only one he won’t make.”

“Oh, that’s too bad,” said Ginny. Her face softened and she smiled sadly at her. “It must be really hard being so far away all the time.”

Hermione sagged back against her pillow and looked away from her.

“…So where is he these days, anyhow?”

“Right now, San Francisco,” said Hermione, and she leaned forward to pet Crookshanks. “He’ll be in back in Japan during Hogsmeade weekend, promoting a new video game for his company.”

“Guy sure does get around,” said Ginny, “How do you keep track of all the places he keeps going to?” She then smirked over at Hermione and cut in before she could respond. “The answer is – you can’t. Like that one time when –”

Hermione’s face reddened. “It was one time!”

“Weekend Getaway saw Hermione sneak Seto out of the office to celebrate his birthday. 

Seto woke to the faint sound of squawking seagulls and his eyes slowly opened to the darkened bedroom. Hermione was snuggled in, sharing the other half of his pillow with her head resting against the crook of his neck with one arm draped across his chest. He could feel her slow, deep breaths; each exhale a puff of air that warmed his skin just above the collar of his pajamas.

Of all the places she could have taken him, he did not expect a quiet coastal town off the eastern shore of the United States, in a little rented house that sat right along the beach, and the front steps led right onto the boardwalk that seemed to continue on forever in each direction.

“This place is charming,” Hermione had said when they first arrived. “Someone from the Department of International Magical Cooperation mentioned this town to me when I was trying to make plans for the weekend.”

They had spent the better part of yesterday exploring the town. The summer tourist season had ended last month, clearing most of the crowds from the beach. Cool crisp air rolled off of the water to counter the unusually still warm autumn weather. They had to have walked up and down most of the quaint little town, and wandered into a number of tiny little shops.

The longest brunt of time was spent in a hidden gem of a bookstore, four blocks from the house.

“I swear I didn’t know about it when I made the reservations!” she had said. Did he plan on spending half his vacation day in a bookshop? Nope. But was he going to begrudge her the chance to find something to take onto the beach, after seeing how much her eyes lit up once she saw the sign above the shop door? After seeing the pleading look of ‘can we please detour on our way to the museum, just for a few minutes?’ Absolutely not.

It didn’t matter that five minutes turned into a couple of hours.

Sufficed to say, wandering all over town on foot had tired him out more than he expected, and he felt he slept better than he had over the entire last week.

Despite waking up at six in the morning, like clockwork. Hermione seemed to be still asleep.

He shifted, to try and get out from under her arm when she suddenly let out a sad, whiney sort of noise, and she tightened her hold on him.

I also had the fun of writing a gift fic during this year’s YGOME exchange and had the most fun diving into Yugi’s headspace as he returns home from Egypt. This is from Guilt.

Yugi didn’t talk for the majority of the plane ride home, but did manage to give a small smile and a wave to his grandfather at the airport. Grandpa naturally pressed for details but only received short, clipped answers in return: what happened to the Millennium Puzzle? (“Gone.”) Did they get to finish what they set out to do? (“Yes.”) Did he still have the God cards? (“No.”)

Though he had to check himself on the last one. It was no secret that his grandfather loved to admire them, but Yugi vaguely remembered the tomb taking back the God monsters, just as it did the Millennium Items, as if to say the Pharaoh has left. The Millennium Items are gone. Their work is done, they can all finally rest.

Yugi sank down onto his bed and, with a shaking hand, pulled the golden box from his bag. Inside sat both his new Duel Monsters deck, and the one he used to share with Atem. He removed his deck and put it safely away in his deck box. But he couldn’t help but stare at the set of cards he left inside.

Ten years…

Yugi scooted back against his headboard and clutched the golden puzzle box tightly against his chest, eyes closed.

If he went back in time ten years to the date Grandpa handed him the Millennium Puzzle, broken apart in this very box and told his younger self of all he had to look forward to, both the good and the bad, he would have thought himself mad. Eight years to complete a simple puzzle? Ridiculous! Magic? Come on!

Gonna cut it off here because otherwise I will be dropping fic snippets for the next week. OLSSM, Sapphire Road, Ghost in the Machine, and Murder Most Foul all have too many great moments and I love them all equally. 

Continuing forward, I’m going to tag @darksidechick823 and @bellamy-taft! But if you see this post and are a writer, consider yourself tagged too! :D

[xingsdae]

Tagged by @xiu-dangerous and @grinding-on-baek!

THE LAST 1. Drink: Water. 2. Phone Call: Facetime with Diana @longlivethesemoments, actual phone call was with my dad. 3. Text Message: Diana again lol. 4. Song you listened to: "what U need?” by Lay (Yixing lol). I was taking screenshots of the music video for my selfie/bias tag post. 5. Time you cried: I’ve teared up multiples times today, but actual crying was probably like a few weeks ago? I forget. 6. Dated someone twice: Nah, but I have been on at least two dates with my boyfriend. At least two in the 4 years we’ve been together. 7. Been Cheated on: Nope. Unless you count the boy I liked in kindergarten. He kissed another girl and I had to pretend I wasn’t mad haha. 8. Kissed someone and regretted it: I kissed my boyfriend when he had nasty morning breath and I regretted it. And I kissed him when he had a cold sore, which caused me to have multiple cold sores and left scars on my chin and neck. But I still like kissing him. For whatever reason. I guess I love him or whatever. 9. Lost someone special: I lost my snapback. Well, I forgot it at the concert and it was too late to go back and get it because we were already downstairs and near the doors. It was cute and I only had it for a few months. RIP You will be missed. 10. Been depressed: Never been diagnosed. 11. Gotten drunk and thrown up: Once. I blame “Chunks” for throwing up twice before me and I had to clean up the mess while I was still drunk. I like to think his vomit made me vomit.

LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: Blue, purple, and green.

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU 15. Made new friends: A few. I think. Unless they all hate me like my old friends do. Oh God, they probably hate me. 16. Fallen out of love: I used to kind of like Times Square. Now I hate it. Mostly because I like going to NY for the food and there’s only boring food there. 17. Laughed until you cried: Nah. 18. Found out someone was talking about you: HA. Yes. Not everyone has something nice to say, apparently. Something about me being desperate for friends? Something about being scared of me because of my race? Something about me being annoying? But who knows? They’ll never say it to my face. 19. Met someone who changed you: I breathed the same air as EXO and they looked at me/in my direction and now I will never be that happy again until I see them again. 20. Found out who your true friends are: Yep. Again. It keeps happening. At this rate, I’ll be all alone by the time I’m 25. 21. Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Yep. My boyfriend. I know, it’s a shock, but I have to tell the truth. 22. How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life: The real question is, do they even know the real me??? #FakeDeep 23. Do you have any pets: I’m not into pet play, sorry. 24. Do you want to change your name: I’ll eventually change my middle and last name once my boyfriend puts a ring on it because it’s tradition and I don’t mind changing it. 25. What did you do for your last birthday: I had some friends over at my house and we played some games. 26. What time did you wake up: 4 A.M. I had to pee lol. 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: Skyping with my boyfriend, probably already falling asleep. 28. Name something you cannot wait for: EXO’s comeback. 29. When was the last time you saw your mother: A few hours ago. 30. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Probably to be motivated. I would probably get more shit done. 31. What are you listening to right now: The voice in my head that tells me to be sad. 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: I have an Uncle Tom and I knew a Tom in middle school and we only talked because we sat next to each other in assigned seating...omg I am old. 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: My family. 34. Most visited website: This hell hole. 35. Elementary: I’ve been in 2, 3 if we’re including middle school in this category. Catholic school from kindergarten till the 4th grade, then public school because I moved and Catholic school is too much money anyway. 36. High School: 1 public school. 37. College: 1 state university. Husky pride. It’s like a 6 on the party school scale to everyone except those who hate big campuses. Then it’s a 10 apparently. 38. Hair color: Black (or Blackened brown or whatever). 39. Long or short hair: Long 40. Do you have a crush on someone: Don’t tell my boyfriend I have a crush on him. He thinks I’m crushing on Yixing. He’s right, but I believe in multiple crushes. 41. What do you like about yourself: I’m funny sometimes. 42. Piercings: The regular ear piercings. 43. Blood type: Like the name of that short series Kyungsoo was in, B+. 44. Nickname: “What do you want to do with your life? Be a loser? Am I that bad of a parent?” It’s a bit long, but it just sort of caught on. 45. Relationship status: In a relationship. 46. Zodiac sign: Leo. My moon sign is Cancer and my Venus sign is Virgo. 47. Pronouns: She/her 48. Favorite tv show: I’m currently watching Running Man, Elementary, Total Divas, and Shingeki no Kyojin season 2. 49. Tattoos: Not yet. I can’t commit to a tattoo idea. Also, if my parents saw it they will kill me. 50. Right or left hand: Right.

FIRST… 51. Surgery: I got my molars removed. 52. Piercing: The typical ear piercings. 54. Sport: Crying. 55. Vacation: The Philippines when I was 7. 56. Pair of trainers: I remember having sneakers with Disney princesses on them and Velcro.

MORE GENERAL… 57. Eating: My feelings. 58. Drinking: Away my problems. 59. I’m about to: Go to the next question. 61. Waiting for: All 9 members of EXO to be together again. 62. Want: Money. 63. Get married: Eventually. 64. Career: Accountant. 65. Hugs or kisses: Both. 66. Lips or eyes: Eyes. 67. Shorter or taller: Taller. 68. Older or younger: Older. 70. Nice arms or nice stomach: Arms. 71. Sensitive or loud: Both? But I guess sensitive. 72. Hook up or relationship: Relationship. 73. Troublemaker or hesitant: Troublemaker, but for like small things. Like deciding to only eat ice cream for dinner. You know, the rebel life.

HAVE YOU EVER… 74. Kissed a stranger?: Nope. 75. Drank hard liquor?: Yes. Mostly mixed with yummy fruity stuff to make it taste not like liquor. 76. Lost glasses/contact lenses?: I constantly lose contacts. 77. Turned someone down?: Like at a bar to dance. 78. Sex on first date?: Never done it. 79. Broken someone’s heart?: I mean, have you seen me? I’m kind of cute. I’m sure someone was disappointing in knowing I have a boyfriend/not interested. 80. Had your heart broken?: Nope. 81. Been arrested?: Nope. 82. Cried when someone died?: Not anyone I know. Only fictional characters. I guess that’s messed up. 83. Fallen for a friend?: Nope.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN… 84. Yourself?: Meh. Sometimes. 85. Miracles?: Like actual religious ones? Not really. 86. Love at first sight?: Nope. 87. Santa Claus?: I used to, but then the kids in the 4th grade made fun of me. And it all made sense why one time I looked under the tree and nothing was there and I was sad I was a bad kid, but then my mom said Santa left the gift in my parents room for safe keeping. 88. Kiss on the first date?: Sure. Never done it though. 89. Angels?: Yixing exists.

OTHER…. 90. Current best friend’s name: Diana. Another name drop ayyyy. 91. Eye color: Brown. 92. Favorite movie: I’ll say Aladdin because I just saw it on Broadway and Get Out because that was the last movie I saw in theaters. I’ll tag @ninetytwoline @jongjn @for-the-love-of-lay @tousdae @chengineering and @okaybaekhyun! This is long and really personal so only do it if you want to! :)

[mysticalmusicwhispers]

APH College AU: Hong Kong

AU Intro here, AU headcanons are tagged #college au musings.

- Music major. However, he took quite a lot of computer engineering and business classes in high school because China insisted (in classic Asian parent fashion), and he still takes them because he sees them as useful for later life (freelance musician or managing a songwriter or something).

- His reasoning for going into music was that it was a relatively cool and not boring job; he wouldn’t have to always be tied to a computer or an indoor office and had more freedom. I think HK kinda hates getting a job in general because he’s got to Do Very Specific Work and doesn’t have time to do side projects/fool around, but he could deal with being a freelance musician or someone who creates background tracks for other artists, game music, etc. Also chose music to spite Yao, because he was expected to do either business or computer science/engineering (but he’s still pretty thankful for taking a lot of business and engineering classes because he legitimately needs them now)

- Soundcloud artist, and has quite a lot of followers. He does a lot of electronic instrumental mixes (idk how to describe it), but also sings sometimes, with lyrics about taking what you’ve got and running with it, carpe diem, breaking away from norms imposed by elders and parents; a mix of hopeful and rebellious. Never writes love songs, because he thinks it’s rather sappy and would rather express love in other (chill) ways. Doesn’t really write sad songs, but there are occasionally ones about rejection and estrangement.

- Re: soundcloud; he really wants to get in their direct monetization program, but doesn’t want to pay for a pro membership. Complains about it a lot to anyone who’ll listen.

- Memes memes memes memes memes

- Trendy™. He knows all the latest fashions and cool things, often tries to brand himself as the one to go to for fashion advice. He gives good advice most of the time (will tell you if your outfit sucks), but also makes questionable decisions (he stripped in the manga because he said Jackie Chen would do it too). Moral of the story, take some things he says with a grain of salt.

- Internet guy (knows all the hacks). He WILL find a free WiFi network anywhere he goes to avoid paying cellular, and knows way more hotspot passwords than he should via word of mouth and eavesdropping.

- Also, his phone is his lifeline. HK: “What do you mean, you’re taking it away from me?” CHN: “You’re using your phone too much; it’s bad for your eyes!!” HK: “No it isn’t! My eyes are fine; you’re the only one who has contacts in this family!! Give it back Yao!!!”

- Routinely called by other students to fix their computers and stuff, charges 25-75 dollars on average per fix. He is such a stickler with prices and absolutely refuses to go lower than a certain price. When Netherlands comes to him for a repair, they’ll haggle for hours and it’s not fun; Leon will postpone literally anything to keep on bargaining and not give up on his offer/price bar

- Avoids 8 AM classes as much as possible, but has never missed the ones he has to attend

- Learned Cantonese to spite Yao. I think Yao would’ve taught all his siblings (the East Asian squad) Mandarin, but they all picked up another language (or dialect of one) somewhere. Leon learned Cantonese specifically because he was lazy and it uses the same Mandarin characters (traditional vs simplified characters but similar enough) but is pronounced different enough that his brother can’t understand most of what he’s saying.

- Gets really whiney when he’s tired, or when he’s frustrated. Complains a lot.

- When he gets really angry, he becomes really cold. He’ll stop talking as much, but other than that he acts almost the same as usual, and it’s hard for people to pick up that he’s mad. However, everything he says kinda sounds passive aggressive, and he won’t laugh at anything. You have to be the first one to acknowledge something’s wrong, and then he’ll talk.

- Re: anger, it’s really awkward if he won’t talk to you because he’s usually really lighthearted, and seeing him serious is rather unsettling. Plus he can end any conversation when he wants to if he wants to make someone uncomfortable

- Is asked to be the DJ for a lot of college parties. He’s the type of person a lot of people vaguely know about because of just one “thing”, the “thing” being that he’s really good at mixing music and has good taste

- He makes sure everyone who even says hi to him knows about his music and his hobby, so he can get popular. Shouts about his Soundcloud profile (it’s not really bragging, but more like advertising himself)

- Types up all his notes onto his computer, but he uses so much slang that his notes read like weird text messages. His history notes read like a giant reality tv drama, because he tends to put things into modern terms and create his own way of remembering things, if that makes sense.

- Hasn’t touched a pencil in forever; he’s so comfortable in the digital world it’s insane

- Buys luxury brands to show off but is also really cheap, and judges certain products hard because they don’t live up to his very finicky standards (read my last post, it’s my take on his consumerism and is more in depth)

- Rather picky with his food, because he has really high standards. He will complain on and on about a restaurant’s noodle’s being too stale or too salty or something, finds flaws in everything when he wants to.

- B to A range grades, doesn’t stress too much over school. He doesn’t mind missing a couple of assignments (as long as they’re not big projects) and makes up for it with his other work

- Delays stuff until the last minute, but doesn’t panic or anything. It’s basically a habit by now; HK doesn’t mind it because it’s efficient and works for him. He can chill for the evening and then get all his work done between 3-7 am

- His relationship with his professors is okay; they all know his name and that he’s the “music dude” but he’s not too close with any of them; he prefers his friends’ company more. He’d get along with fun or young professors better, since they’re more in touch with “the youth” and he doesn’t see them as boomers

- Average at math, kinda bad at science, it’s just not his thing. He does better in the humanities, although he doesn’t exactly enjoy English and history classes. He’s very good at debating though, so his essays and thesis statements are very strong

- He’s pretty functional on 3 hours of sleep, but loves to sleep in when he can

- Proud of his Asian heritage and shows it!! He sometimes shows up at Asian American Culture Club but isn’t very dedicated, because he thinks some of the meetings are a little cringey

- He’d love to have a last name that isn’t Wang (such as any X starting Chinese surname) because he’d love to watch people struggle to pronounce it and he’d love to correct them (in a polite but simultaneously obnoxious way)

Thanks for reading! sksks these were much more general headcanons that probably could apply to nationverse too, but anyways... Next’ll be Taiwan probably!

[loves-static-noise-blog]

🎤Some General HCs for Meringa🎤

🎤 - On her rare days of not having work, you can find her in three places:

1, Out at a bar or nightclub, finding her time to be social atleast for the year..This is rare unless she is tagging along with her teammates. 

2. The main room of the HQ doing her mission report, as she is the type to end up leaving it to last minute, still being stubborn when asked to do it. Not as rare as the bar but still would make you have to look twice to make sure you did REALLY see her there.

3. Her room, sitting down near the window with her laptop, radio or tv on to distract herself, Often the music she listens to is the polar opposite if she got her job done using the radio, the same goes for her viewing material. This is the most common place Meringa can be found.

🎤 Her food of choice rangest from fancy steak meal to shitty cheap fast food/ take-away, not really settling upon one main group of foods. Her favorite food of all time however is Gnocchi with parsley, butter & samphire. Drinks are the same from Fine wines to the cheapest soda you can find. 

🎤 Cocktail of choice for Meringa is a Red Russian. This is thanks to it being her first REAL drink when she was of age, not some watery vodka behind a local shop at eleven pm.

🎤 A auestion i get alot..for some reason is Meringa's workout. And in all honesty, she doesn't really have one, Other than some cardio, basic self defense and weights, You will find her passed out against a wall, on a bench or watever machine she was using. 

🎤 Basic Self Defense falls under the catagory of Kickboxing, Nothing super serious of course as the only time it would be used is if someone gets too close to her and she cannot get her stand ready in time.

🎤 Style and Makeup is a big thing for Meringa, you have to and WILL wait on her to get her makeup finished and hair sitting perfect, even if it is for a job she won't leave till those lightning bolts on her cheeks are perfect. Often, she is just dragged out with the products in her hands, and on the way there she will STILL be applying it.

🎤 To her team, She sees everyone as big brothers to her, someone she can turn to, Even Illuso in a desperate state, if he listens thats another thing. If anything were to happen to any of the boys, Meringa would make it personal to her and promise to make sure whoever hurt them feels their pain doubled.

🎤 Her height doesn't stop her, Meringa, without her platforms, stands at 5'4, one of the shortest members, but anyone else who wants to 'Tower over her' as she calls it, will know that it doesnt bother her, Just do NOT use her as a resting post, because the next time you do, theres a kick going right to your shin or an elbow to your throat. 

🎤 Only 1 other member intimidates Meringa, and that is Risotto, Through both his height and his personality, Of course she knew nothing would ever happen but that doesnt stop chills from shooting down her spine..But, Get Meringa jnto that much of a sad or whiney state and you will find her clinging (Or attempting to cling) to her Capo 

[midoriyasbones]

This isnt hate but man, you're wrong. You were an anti, you took part in a nasty group that hurt people and continues to do so, and no one has to forgive you or be nice to you just because you got better. even if you didn't send the hate, you're not entitled to others nice behavior. and complaining about being judged for it when sheith shippers have had to go through so much shit, just makes you look so fake; 1/?

2/? sheith shippers have had to go through so much shit, and just because you have or Are going through doesn’t make you deserving of our consideration; It just means you’re in the same boat as us now. And so you should know how it feels; But seeing you complain and gripe about it makes you look incredibly whiney and superficial dude. You ARE ALLOWED to be sad and angry and want to enjoy your ship,           

3/? you absolutely are, and we are too. But we got our anger from the group you used to support and belong to– You’ve gotta understand that.  antis are still out there doxxing, harrassing our staff and VA’s off twitter, ruining panels, making death threats and suicide baiting, chasing off content creators, misusing “pedophile”, causing the infamous needle incident and more– and you guys are mad because theres some angry posts and cross tagging?? And you expect /sympathy?/ Really????            

4/ Please, go outside, get some fresh air, go for a walk, go offline for an hour every day. Refresh yourself. Take a breather. Refocus, and understand with more perspective the irony of it all, and why you’ve got so much angry vitriolic Sheithers out there. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and ex-antis/klancers, especially the ones who are content to “stay in their lane” are only making themselves look worse by acting entitled to forgiveness while taking out anger on sheiths for being             

5/? justifiably angry about the cyberbullying they themselves helped bring about. Especially the ones who are “staying in their lane” while doing nothing to prevent all the anti’s that are CAUSING such vitriolic sheiths in the first place– then demanding that we stop being angry because its not fun for them– wow yknow what isnt fun for us? Being called pedophiles, suicide baited, and threatened daily. But god forbid we talk about it, be angry about it, express that– then we’ve gone TOO FAR             

6/? im stopping here because this started with intent to be NICE criticism and is now descending into an angry ramble and thats not what i wanna do here- the point remains: what you said is not reasonable, relies on expectation and entitlement, and as such, comes off as entitled, fake, and all around insincere. And in your TakeBackKlance server i see you shitting on sheiths like this all the time. Its disappointing, extraordinarily hypocritical, and furthers the established mistrust between             

7 / ? shaladins and ex-anti’s. And you complain about people staying away from ex-anti’s. If they’re acting like this, of course they would. They’re perfectly within their rights to, justifiably, and you have to accept that. So yeah, you “have to atone” Its almost like you’ve gotta earn each individual persons trust, like in real life?. If you’re complaining about it, then it just shows you don’t really support Shaladins as much as you claimed you did.            

okay, thank you for some perspective on the situation, and i’m going to give you some credit. you managed to convey yourself in a civil way making very valid points and expressing emotions that are entirely valid. there is nothing here that i don’t think is out of place. your anger here is very much warranted and i appreciate you acknowledging all this, but i’m not sure you understand everything that’s going on.

first of all, i was an anti almost a year ago. i ditched the community in june of 2017 and became a full fledged pro in july of that same year. since then i’ve done my best to drop all my former bearings of that life. that’s my personal history.

1. “you’ve gotta understand that.  antis are still out there doxxing, harrassing our staff and VA’s off twitter, ruining panels, making death threats and suicide baiting, chasing off content creators, misusing “pedophile”, causing the infamous needle incident and more-”

not only do i understand this, but i’ve seen it first hand and have been fighting against it for nearly a year. i understand your anger because i am just as angry about it too. i’ve actively been fighting against that since i switched over and i’m not saying that makes me ‘worthy’ or anything, but it’s not like i’m sitting back here doing nothing.

2. and you guys are mad because theres some angry posts and cross tagging??

no, we’re mad that pro ship klancers are being constantly kicked aside and expected to just take it. we’re mad that a community that calls themselves ‘pro ship’ makes us feel unwelcome and has chased us out of what is supposed to be a place for us too. cross tagging isn’t cool no matter what. vent posts i really don’t give two shits about, you have every right to express your anger.

3. And you expect /sympathy?/ Really???? 

no, i actually don’t. you don’t have to give me the time of day, i’m just asking that you not come into our inboxes or reblog our posts with angry and irrelevant additions (so long as our posts aren’t overstepping certain boundaries of course).

4. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and ex-antis/klancers, especially the ones who are content to “stay in their lane” …

i’m not an anti, i’m a pro shipper. i believe that everyone has the right to ship whatever they want. i think that people who harass others for their ships are immature. and in case you didn’t know i far from stay in my goddamn lane. i don’t allow antis to say shit and get away with it. i don’t support anyone who is anti ship, even those who claim not to be a part of the anti community. you’re comparing apples to oranges.

5. are only making themselves look worse by acting entitled to forgiveness 

again, not asking for forgiveness. i’m not entitled to a damn thing except a peaceful life.

6. on sheiths for being justifiably angry about the cyberbullying they themselves helped bring about.

i won’t deny, when i was an anti i should’ve recognized that what i supported was wrong and i should’ve stepped up and done something, but i didn’t. i won’t excuse my actions, i’ll stand here right now and tell you i was being immature, selfish, and stupid. there is nothing i can do or say that will make up for what i did or actually didn’t do. i can at least say i never sent anything or said anything extremely awful, but i certainly didn’t try to stop anyone and i did actively support them. that’s on me… but that’s also almost a year ago. you don’t have to even want to be around me, i’m just asking that you don’t think i’m still in support of that stuff anymore.

7. Especially the ones who are “staying in their lane” while doing nothing to prevent all the anti’s that are CAUSING such vitriolic sheiths in the first place

i’m not causing anyone to do anything. the way people act on their anger is entirely on them, not me. furthermore, i’ve already addressed that i am taking action, so this really isn’t a fair thing to say to me at all.

8. then demanding that we stop being angry because its not fun for them

point to where i’ve said you can’t be critical of klance or lance or anything. as long as what you’re doing is cross tagging i could care less. as long as what you’re doing isn’t going into people’s inboxes or bullying them out of fnadom spaces that are supposed to positive i quite honestly don’t consider it my business. be angry, get that out, it’s healthy to express that emotion, just make sure you aren’t being toxic.

9. wow yknow what isnt fun for us? Being called pedophiles, suicide baited, and threatened daily.

full offense, but i’ve been called a pedo too. i’ve been suicide baited and threatened too. in some cases it was daily. you already said we’re in the same boat, so suddenly why are you shoving me off of it? we’re in this fuck fest together anon, and again, that doesn’t mean you owe me shit, but i don’t owe you anything either.

10. But god forbid we talk about it, be angry about it, express that– then we’ve gone TOO FAR 

like i supposedly have when i express my anger about getting the same treatment from people who said they supported me? vent posts are not too far. harassment (like that lance’s ass fumes anon and the clit anon) is.

11. And in your TakeBackKlance server i see you shitting on sheiths like this all the time. Its disappointing, extraordinarily hypocritical, and furthers the established mistrust betweenshaladins and ex-anti’s

false. i’m literally never in there because i’m so busy with my real life stuff. i have said some things in my anger, but i do not think it is nearly frequent enough to label as ‘all the time’. most of the time i’m in agreement with the sheith fandom. your criticism of antis and of fanon and even canon stuff is totally valid, i’m only angry about when things stray too far and actual people are attacked. what’s disappointing is that i’m on the receiving end of your anger for something i don’t even do.

12. And you complain about people staying away from ex-anti’s

i literally don’t want you anywhere near me. i don’t want my name in your mouth. i don’t want to be yelled at for things i haven’t done and no longer support. i’m not asking you to support me. i’m not asking you to follow me. i’m not asking you for anything. i’m asking that i not be blamed for things i no longer take part of. that’s all.

13. They’re perfectly within their rights to, justifiably, and you have to accept that.

what’s justified? vent posts that are properly tagged.

what’s not justified? getting sent anon hate and seeing myself vagued just because i don’t like it when my friends are upset over how they get treated and i actually speak my mind. what would be fake is if i kept my damn mouth shut, but i don’t. you need to accept that.

14. So yeah, you “have to atone” Its almost like you’ve gotta earn each individual persons trust, like in real life?

actually?? it’s almost like i have been working my hardest to do so? and those who actually know me would say that i am balls to the fucking wall in everything i do? you don’t have to trust me, you don’t have to forgive me, but i’m not going to take everything lying down just because my past isn’t spotless. i don’t owe you a blind following. you’re not immune to my thoughts just because i was once a part of a group that hurt you. it’s been hard enough to forgive myself, i don’t need to work for someone’s forgiveness who clearly has no intention of even giving me a chance. i don’t need to atone for a damn thing and i thank you for actually bringing this up. i was working and being so hard on myself thinking i had to make it up to y’all and i actually don’t. i’ve been chaining myself up for you when i didn’t need to.

15. If you’re complaining about it, then it just shows you don’t really support Shaladins as much as you claimed you did.            

if you’re complaining about someone bringing up that they’re uncomfortable with how horrible a certain aspect of fandom life makes them feel than you clearly can’t take as much as you think you can. i was never trying to hurt or offend anyone in my post and was careful to craft it in a way that took into account how much anger has built up over the years. you have every right to hate k/l, but you have absolutely 0 rights to pretend you’re a perfectly kind person if you think that my past means i owe you anything while thinking it’s justified that my friends and i receive hate for a fucking ship from people who say they support me. 

no offense anon, i think your anger towards my past and what i once affiliated myself with is totally justified, you can even be angry at me, but you also need to accept that i am not who you are painting me to be. i am not a ‘stay in my lane’ fake person. i stand up a lot for others and i work hard to create things and places for everyone. i understand that not everyone needs to like me, and i’ve accepted that fact long ago, all i am asking, and all anyone is asking really, is that if you don’t like us, then ignore us. don’t feel the need to come into our inboxes or reply to our posts. we really don’t want to hear it. we’ve been through quite enough just from leaving the antis. you don’t have to like, you don’t have to follow me, you don’t have to be my friend, but you do have to acknowledge that i am not the person you think i am.

your anger, your hurt, and your frustration is something i resonate with. i can feel the pain through your words and i want you to know that i don’t hold this anon against you at all. you have every right to express your opinions and offer me this. i think that in some ways you’re right, maybe i am asking for too much, maybe i’m being a little much, maybe i’m not totally in the right here, but a lot of this feels misdirected. instead of being angry at antis you’re pouring it out on me. instead of taste of my own medicine you’re just pouring concrete down my throat. your emotions and your pain are valid here, but i’m not your target and taking it out on us isn’t fair. you can’t hold this above my head and think you’re justified in doing so.

again, i’m not taking away your right to vent, all i’m saying is please don’t think i am your enemy because i truly am not. i’m not an anti. my past is not my present and neither is it yours. the anger you feel is real, but it’s not entirely something you can throw at me and expect me or any pro ship k/l to just take it. we’re not the fandom stress ball or punching bag, we’re people just as you are. you have every right to be wary of me, i  don’t blame you, but again… don’t tell me this is all my fault. it’s not. it’s really really not.

thank you for giving me your perspective and your time, but at the end of the day it’s not my responsibility to make you feel okay again. that’s on you. we don’t owe each other anything. i don’t expect anything from anyone but it feels like everyone is expecting a lot from me, too much really.

[beyond-far-horizons]

My thoughts on Last Jedi, the backlash and its relation to the archetypal storytelling of the Star Wars Saga.

I have been trying to gather my thoughts on this film, the reaction and the Sequels in general. My overall reaction, after two viewings, some reflection and looking at both sides, is the same as it was when I first saw it - mixed. But given how much the series means to me and others I think analysing our reactions is important.

Spoilers for Star Wars including TFA and TLJ and the film Labyrinth. This is my opinion - repeat just my opinion and won’t be tagged because I don’t want to get into a fan war or debate. Aggressive attempts to do so will just be blocked so play nice ;) Warning for a long-ass post.

Let’s start with what I liked -

It was fun overall. 

The opening fight with Poe was amazing, fast, funny and emotional.

More Poe was a good thing (mostly) and his dynamic with Leia was great - I loved that they had a headstrong male pilot with Leia as his mentor. I also liked the fan observation that Leia puts up with some of his antics because he’s like the son she should/could have had (no disrespect to Ben/Kylo.) Oscar Issac even notes the maternal relationship and that is super cute. 

Leia - nice to see her more front and centre - a general, a stateswoman, a force-user (yes), a mother, a sister and still looking fabulous. Carrie will be missed so much. I grieve for her, her family and for the story we could have gotten in Ep 9.

That moment between Leia and Kylo - sad face.

Rey, Kylo/Ben and Reylo - very happy they went in this direction. I can understand certain people’s/groups misgivings about this when projecting a RL dynamic on it, however the large section of us that enjoy this dynamic, I believe, do so on an archetypal level - which is primarily what Star Wars is about. The fairy tale, the myth - the Light and Darkness battling it out to transcend the opposites in the end. I loved their connection (even though the cuts were quite modern), I always adore it when the hero/heroine and villain start off hating each other, are opposed to each other and then gradually find parallels and similarities, and since ESB, Star Wars has always been fantastic in finding that Yin Yang and Jungian Shadow concept. The way they show the dangers of the path - that Rey could make the same mistakes as Ben and therefore why she wants to save him, just as Luke did with Anakin. It’s so human. The acting was fantastic, the moments soft and then intense - I loved the ‘Force skypes’ and the Throne Room scene. Indeed that application of the Force was just an extension of Luke and Vader in ESB and in a deleted scene in Jedi too. Also as sad and heartbreaking as it was I’m so glad Rey did reject him and didn’t give into his bullshit. I can sympathise with him but she didn’t compromise herself and that is so important. Like in the film Labyrinth at the end, Rey chooses her own sovereignty and morality despite temptation and it was the right thing to do. Also I feel (without getting too RL and social justice on this) women are often seen as the always loving, forgiving redeemers, the healers, the saviours and the nurturers - a powerful archetype that can sometimes be in play but also can be terribly damaging when constantly applied. No person can forever hold the weight of an archetype and in some cases shouldn’t, no matter how sad it is. Rey did her best but Ben ultimately needs to save himself, to make that choice as Vader did and that can be a hard pill to swallow especially when we see he hasn’t got the critical mass (yet) within himself to do it. 

Rey - in two minds given how TLJ treated plot points from TFA - but I continue to love her spirit and vulnerability as well as her moments of humour. 

The Throne Room confrontation was fricking epic! I loved it and I loved seeing the Battle Couple/Back to Back Badasses/Dark and Light take on the guards.

Rose - not so keen on the plotline but the character was adorable and we need more like her. It was also special for me because for years when I was training to be an actress in London, the friend who let me live with her for minimal rent had a Far East background and looked like Rose and always struggled to get decent parts despite her talent and tenacity. Seeing the hope and inspiration Rose gave to her in her career recently was amazing. 

The planets!!! Ahch-To and Crait just blew me away - oceans and islands - check, crystals, deserts and rock formations - check. Glorious!

Those crystal foxes!

I will always be a Reylo fan but Finn and Rey still have a special place in my heart and that hug at the end was gorgeous. If they get together at the end it’s okay with me as long as I can have some Reylo resolution too. 

Rey and Poe finally meeting. Okay I’m Reylo, I like Finn and Rey…but I always liked the idea of Rey and Poe too - yes I can have my cake and eat it thank you. 

The Supremacy - I may consider joining the Dark Side if I can have that ship!

The Codebreaker - there’s always a place in Star Wars for crafty grey characters and I liked DJ, not 100% keen on where they went with it but I liked him.

Holdo’s sacrifice - amazing  - those shots and that silence - just epic.

The initial idea of Luke as a hermit and the Balance which they sort of went with and then…hmm we’ll talk about that next!

Things I didn’t like or thought could have been handled in another way - 

This is interesting and has taught me a lot about how we project ourselves onto stories and what we do or do not get or expect to get out of a story. As we know this film has caused huge dissension and rather than throw crap at people - I respect they have their opinions - I want to analyst mine and other’s responses and find out why. I’ll note my personal reactions and then the issues that may have contributed to such a division.

Luke’s arc - I can see the de-constructivist allure of having Luke fail and why some people have taken heart from that message but as Mark Hamill has said it just isn’t Luke to me. As for him trying, even in a moment, to kill his nephew and best friend’s son after he was willing to sacrifice himself and everything else for his ideals to show his father - Darth freaking Vader -  a better way, also doesn’t ring true. Then to abandon the Republic/Rebellion for the First Order to take over - nah…If they want me to buy it, they need to give me more than what we got.

Admiral Holdo - ugh. I see what they were trying to do but if you have to withhold plans and make a character hold the Idiot Ball for you to do a plot twist it just doesn’t work. Also the whole feminist message was patronising and I say this as a woman and lifelong feminist. Treating men like idiots isn’t going to make them respect you. Also as others have pointed out, Leia was already a trope-breaking example of this done in a much better way in ANH. People were making the point that Holdo was soft and feminine and that’s why Poe and the menfolk in RL didn’t like her or feel she could have been in the military. I’m all for surprising people and frankly she can wear what she wants even though it was incredibly impractical but as an actress I noticed in her physicality she does not convince as someone of any gender who has been in a military force let alone in command. It does something to the way you stand and behave that she didn’t have and putting examples like her in only undermines the progressive course to me. 

Godspeed? God fricking speed?! We are in a Galaxy far far away! It’s the Force you idiot! Also ugh her and Leia just sounded like they were at a socialites party in the US not Star Wars when they say goodbye. I’m so up for female bonds and unexpected characters and roles but it was handled badly in my opinion - an example of shock value, not well thought out world-building. 

Snoke - WTF? Don’t build him up just to kill him off early! He is the reason all the shit in the Galaxy has happened - the return of the Dark Side, the corruption of Ben Solo, Luke’s Hobo arc - how does he link to the OT or even the Prequels (it’s a saga remember - a family saga, themes etc). To kill him now, without those answers, undermines the whole plot and undermines Kylo Ben as a result. Snoke was the reason he did all those heinous things, Leia says in the book he has been essentially grooming her son since he was in the womb (gross!). The OT draws out the Emperor until ROTJ and the Prequels spend 3 movies giving us insights on his dynamic with Anakin that primes us to understand (despite poor execution at times IMO) Anakin’s fall to the Dark side. We have none of this for Kylo bar a few hints. This lends weight to the accusation he is a pathetic, whiney (angry, privileged, white) boy who turned to the Dark Side cos Mummy and Daddy (our OT heroes) didn’t love him enough. Then we are given a vague flashback that Luke Skywalker of all people wanted to kill him for an instant and yeah…it doesn’t do anyone - Kylo, Snoke, Leia, Han or Luke - a service. Plus the ridiculousness of Kylo and Hux at the end undermines the finale and the hopes for Episode 9. I admit Snoke freaked me the f out - the undertones of the child molester/evil guru were strong and might have been a bit too much for kids but hell a good writer could have found a way to develop it properly without being too full on. 

Canto Bight - Finn and Rose. It was…okay…but again I could see the message loud and clear and there’s a difference between an archetypal mythic theme and hitting someone on the head with identity politics. Also I loved Finn and Poe’s dynamic and Finn and Rey’s dynamic in TFA - I wanted more of that. The plot arc just didn’t interest me or feel woven into the main plot as much as I wanted it to. And that sucks because Finn and Rose were cool and it was groundbreaking for Star Wars to include them in their own arc. Due to the lacklustre scenario I felt Finn wasn’t utilised enough. I felt he was slightly short changed by TFA and TLJ didn’t really shift that for me.

The Crait Plan - why not tell people the plan? To have it suddenly appear like a Deus Ex machina was shoddy esp when the First Order find out immediately anyway.

Leia’s Superman impression. It was a shocker and beautifully filmed. Extra poignant when remembering Carrie’s loss but…it’s not Star Wars! There’s a difference in developing the world-building and the magic system (I know this as a writer) and crapping all over it to introduce something ‘cool’. I have wanted Leia to use the Force since ROTJ. I would have totally been down with her using it here (like Nynaeve in The Wheel of Time) when she finally surrenders to this mystical power she doesn’t understand (and likely associates in her heart with Vader) in the face of her political and military might being crushed. It had the potential to be such a beautiful moment. She could have been in a pod or something and then dragged the exploding pieces back together - that would have been in line with previous Force users - Yoda, Dooku, Vader. But to be exploded into space where the vacuum alone could kill you, lack of air, cold etc etc and then fly like Superman just felt so wrong. Yes you need to suspend your disbelief to watch SF/F but the created world needs internal consistency (look up Tolkien’s On Fairy Tales or Mark Wolfe - Building Imaginary Worlds: The Theory and History of Subcreation or the Laws of Sanderson for confirmation on this.)

Luke’s Force Projection and Death - it was beautiful and shocking (again) but (again) didn’t ring true with Star Wars for me even with the call-backs to the Binary Sunset and Obi-Wan’s cloak. Those just made me sadder. If they wanted to make it more Star Wars, more full circle, then why doesn’t he do a proper Obi Wan - face Kylo and become one with the Force in their duel? Also I just felt there was so much more for him to do, so much more to be shown and frankly as much as I love the Sequel characters, I and most of us are here because of the OT characters. This is and always was Luke’s story. We care about Anakin initially because of his connection to Luke even if he wasn’t really in the Prequels, so to have him go out that way and have so little relevance ultimately to the story of the Sequels just felt wrong. I’m not ready for this to be fully Rey’s story yet as much as I like her and what she brings to it. 

There was no real training arc - Luke didn’t even finish his third lesson to Rey. I would have loved to have seen Luke and Rey training and duelling. This also highlighting the unfortunately implication that Rey is a little bit of a Mary Sue and I hate that. The Force just made her awesome - again not consistent with Star Wars. Anakin and Luke, even after training, get their asses handed to them by Dark sider users. Yes Kylo had handicaps and Snoke does well to highlight them in TLJ but it would have been much better to either have had her train under Luke before and had her memory wiped or be trained now to account for her aptitude. It undermines her positive points as a character and it is irritating now to look back at TFA and see her so good at everything just..because…

A main point many people have pointed out - TLJ doesn’t respect the plot points and setups of TFA. This is worse than not respecting the previous trilogies because it’s bad storytelling and each episode is supposed to reinforce the arc of the others. Sure Lucas made similar mistakes but Abrams, Johnson and Disney had years of reflection and fan reaction to draw upon to make sure that didn’t happen and mostly in the OT Lucas made it work to a point they do make senseas whole. Why aren’t Disney and co making these stories to fit each other? They are a trilogy - a beginning, middle and end, not an opportunity for each director to ‘make their mark’ on Star Wars or ‘bring something different’. That’s like hiring a new director for each LOTR film! Again people can cite upending expectations but this was throwing out substance for the sake of shock value and that never works. The Vader plot-twist worked because it deepened the story, the plot-twists that Snoke and Rey’s force sensitivity and parentage don’t matter cheapened it. For the record I liked her parents being nobodies but we don’t get to see her explore that and JJ drops numerous Chekhov’s Guns about Rey’s background in TFA - Han, Leia and Kylo’s reactions to her, Maz’s talk, her visions, Luke’s reaction - that all now looks stupid. Kylo lets an officer go after his tantrum then force grabs him as soon as he mentions a girl. This and his latter interactions with Rey, esp in the novel, make him look like a desperate virgin that has never been exposed to a human female before. 

Phasma - where art thou?

I could go on but those are the main points.

Now to the deeper issues -

Most of us loved the Original Trilogy and while we want to repeat the magic  - to have the same but different - that story was essential told. It has a poignant, satisfying ending - Luke redeems Vader, the Empire is defeated, the Jedi are reborn, Leia and Han get together. It reached a natural conclusion and that conclusion gave it its power. That is a lesson that many of us and especially the entertainment industry don’t want to learn, hence why they milk franchises and stories until they mean nothing. Just as death gives life meaning so does the ending to a good story. However I have always been intrigued by a Sequel trilogy because it was something Lucas toyed with for a long time. I heard rumours of Leia and Han’s children in a forest scene for years and that was so magical! What happened next?! Lucas was notorious for tinkering with his creations and then saying he planned it that way all along (read Star Wars - A Secret History for confirmation and also an amazing insight into the creative development.) As an aside I think that part of the creative process is that it evolves and it interests me how many directions and stories could be told branching from A New Hope, ESB, Jedi and then even TFA. The stories that different groups wanted to be told and the story we got. However something that lent more weight to the Sequel idea was also Lucas’s inspiration of Flash Gordon, Buck Rodgers and those old sci-fi serials that suggested the story could have gone on for episodes before you arrived in the cinema and continued long after, so I was interested to see if they could make it happen. Perhaps it would have been better done years earlier so the original leads could have had a more active role or set in the future so their legacy would have held longer but this is a family saga so…

Despite their love for Star Wars and its superficial appeal I’m not sure JJ Abrams, Rian Johnson and Disney understand the core of Star Wars and the archetypal themes underpinning it. This is the absolute core of the issues with Sequels (the Prequels) for me - I think it could have worked despite everything else but you need to understand the archetypal motif which is textbook Star Wars. A fantastic book that illustrates this is Star Wars - The Magic of Myth. I think they got bits of it but they didn’t really understand the whole and had other agendas in play that meant the worthwhile messages in Leia/Poe/Holdo, Finn/Rose and Luke/Rey’s storylines were lost, dissonant or just sledge-hammered in without respecting the characters, plot or themes. I was so looking forward to seeing a development in the mythos of the Light/Dark sides of the Force and the Balance - how acknowledging anger, abandonment and desire for power and control aka the Shadow, can help you understand yourself and the human experience but not(like Kylo did) by giving into it. This understanding grants you Balance and Transcendence - a true expression of the Jungian Individuation process and the Taoism way that Star Wars was inspired by. This could have been accomplished even with Luke going off to be a hermit which is counter to his character as Mark Hamill stressed. If you want a new story you need to set up conflict and this would have been a great conflict for a more mature Luke to have - that the Dark Side will always return in some way, so how does one counter it? When we found out in TFA he had gone looking for the first Jedi Temple, then we got the 1st trailer and the hints about the Balance of Light and Dark, I was excited. Luke hadn’t abandoned his sister and friends and the Galaxy! He had a painful setback but was still searching for something more. When they dismissed that in the movie and had him be this despondent bum who had vanished just to find some hole to die in, I was so disappointed. Yeah you could have it (as they did) as part of his character arc, to learn failure, to repeat the cycles/mistakes of his masters and be reminded of his younger self in Rey, but as others have pointed out Yoda and Obi Wan went into exile because they needed to and Luke transcended them at the end of Jedi anyway. So it needs a deeper reason for me than what we got.

The Backlash/Conflict and the questions it raises.

It seems broadly to come into two camps, but there are also many people in the middle across a number of different issues. The main camps boil down to either loving the OT - its themes, characters and relationships within the Skywalker Saga and feeling the Sequels haven’t respected that, and the other is enjoying the new direction of the Sequels and feeling Star Wars is now more modern, more progressive, more inclusive, either as a worthy development of the OT or without caring about previous instalments.

This, as I said at the start, comes down to stories - our stories, internally and in the outside world, and the archetypal stories we cling to across generations. Star Wars was always going to matter because it is one of a kind - a modern myth that called to us on this archetypal level as well as being so pervasive in the physical world through advertising, merchandise and different media that it has literally become a religion to some people and inspired many more.

Given that, the stories I’m hearing from the media and the progressive side is that the Last Jedi is fantastic because it’s breaking boundaries, it’s passing the torch, it’s giving us feminism, inclusivity and life lesson moments that are much needed in the current climate. And in a way stories do need to change and adapt to stay meaningful or, as we see, people change them to fit - create fanfiction, art, create their own worlds, write meta taking the pieces that make sense to them. Many people feel more included in the Star Wars saga and as such a powerful phenomenon I’m glad about that.

However to others, Star Wars already deeply meant something to them and some feel the Sequels, in their urge to move things along or having done so brashly, haven’t respected that legacy. Although there are undoubtedly racist, prejudiced idiots out there using Star Wars as part of their ideology, this goes against everything Star Wars and Lucas was trying to convey. So personally I think a lot of the deeper backlash is because of the Sequels ignoring the archetypal hero journey and themes at the heart of Star Wars - a journey first brought to us by Luke and his companions. Star Wars is not the type of story that lends itself to deconstruction, shock value twists and hopelessness - it’s a hopeful fairy story, that while filled with peril and battles with evil, nevertheless gives us the strength to face the dark symbolically and find the best in ourselves. While it has had its storytelling and world-building issues (especially with the Prequels hence the backlash with them at the time) it does have its own mythos and internal consistency, something I feel the Sequels have ignored time and again,and even undermining the setups in TFA. To call people ‘losers’ stuck on simple nostalgia or ‘man babies’ (as a friend of mine did) for having these objections is unfair. Archetypal stories/myths come from the Collective Unconscious and that moves very slowly in relation to society which is why we read stories from thousands of years ago and they still resonate. That doesn’t mean you have to copy the Hero’s Journey from the OT point for point - there are a galaxy of myths out there and our own minds for exploring how the legacy of the OT can be respected and yet developed, as well as including more women and POC as it needed to.

I will still watch Episode 9 and take the things I liked from it, TFA and TLJ, but to me the OT will always be the true Star Wars. However nothing is in vain and honestly I think this debate can be used by anyone to learn from the power of stories - what works and what doesn’t for them and go on to create their own original narratives as Lucas did all those years ago…I’m also really interested in getting the perspectives of kids seeing the Sequels vs the Prequels and OT as these will be ‘their’ Star Wars and the things we see and love as children always have special significance as they are the first to charge our awakening imaginations.

[reactingtosomething]

Reacting to Captain America: Civil War (Part 3 of 3)

He Reminds Me of a Chicken Pox. If I’m In Trouble PLEASE Do Not Call Him.

The Setup: Here’s Part 1 of Marchae and Clint’s Civil War reaction, and here’s Part 2.

Notes from Kris and Miri in italics.

MARCHAE: Ok can I tell you what I liked

CLINT: Sure I liked everything

MARCHAE: NO NO NO first tell me what you liked 

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL 

I would not go that far...  but I did LOVE Madam Hot Sauce!! She is a really strong female character (physically) and that makes me happy... 

CLINT: It was a good continuation of the cap story

Black panther

Spidey

Obviously, cap

Hawkeye

Yes Madame hot sauce

MARCHAE: Hawkeye is a male Katniss Everdeen 

He is not on my list... our lists do not match except for Madam Hot Sauce

CLINT: Visions density shifting

His name is Clint

MARCHAE: SPIDEY is so far not on my list he isn't even on my non existent kid's kid's kid's list

CLINT: [Hawkeye] grew up in the circus

MARCHAE: SHIT! SERIOUSLY!! 

CLINT: Hurtful

MARCHAE: you want me to get back on the things I DON"T LIKE

But really… A CIRCUS 

ok i am going to tell you the things I LIKED 

CLINT: That's his comic history. But continue

MARCHAE: it should not be

CLINT: It works

KRIS: It does! 

I don’t think it’s supposed to be Clint Barton’s backstory in the movies, though. For whatever it’s worth, the Ultimates version of Clint (whom movie-Clint was more directly inspired by, at least early on) was an Olympic archer who became a special ops soldier. We do know that movie-Clint was with SHIELD long before Natasha, and that when he was assigned to kill her (she was with the KGB at the time), he turned her instead.

MARCHAE: I really do like the core of the story like when you take out all the things I didn't like about it the root message of friends til the end is a good one

CLINT: And him and hot sauce are bffs

K: The movie does shortchange this. And I would’ve liked to see even more work with Steve and Natasha’s friendship.

MARCHAE: also...why. I also really liked the action scenes 

CLINT: So Friends makes it worse

MARCHAE: No!  

in fact my note was "I think if they don't talk and it was just action with no words ALWAYS... I could get all the way down"  that's kind of a backhanded compliment but i REALLY REALLY REALLY like action movies a lot

K: I don’t think I knew this

MIRI: I definitely did not

CLINT: So less story more action

MARCHAE: so it is a testament to the fact that they were some amazing action scenes.

CLINT: So you'd like a Michael​ Bay avengers

MARCHAE: We can talk about my issues with story later (and it was mostly just wonky time things)

YASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

K: I’m learning so much about Marchae

CLINT: No

MARCHAE: I mean I do love to see the people fight and the things get blown up

CLINT: Watch Man of steel you'll see why that's bad

MARCHAE: guess I will and I bet it will be GOOD!

CLINT: No

MARCHAE: well it's also superman...

ok things I like Mr. Madam Hot Sauce (I know she's your crush)

CLINT: #notmysuperman

MARCHAE: LOL

CLINT: Scarjo is the best

MARCHAE: I did like the Black Panther Reveal ( I think by this point in my notes I got their names somewhat together because they are all written-- I am going to take pictures of my notes and put them in the post) I loved the spotty accent the Olsen Sister

CLINT: She was regionally vague

MARCHAE: it was regionally hilarious because it was only on words that had weird 'R' sounds

LOL. it provided comedic relief

I actually really liked the toddler robot he may have been my favorite

CLINT: I don't know if it was funny but ok

MARCHAE: it was

CLINT: Really him

K: Now I legitimately think Marchae should go back and watch Avengers: Age of Ultron for Vision stuff.

MARCHAE: YUP and Madam Hot Sauce... I may be her if I ever decide to celebrate Halloween

K now hear me cause this is going to be mean

CLINT: Comic con

Cos play

MARCHAE: but I really really liked the individual's subplot story lines... they were well defined but the total stories as a collective not so much  so if each character had a break out session of sorts i could do it...

AND I WOULD HAVE COS PLAYED THIS YEAR BUT YOU STOOD ME UP!!!

CLINT: That's what the whole movie was

MARCHAE: no...

CLINT: Unrelated (re:Cosplay)

MARCHAE: (no that last bit is truth)

ok The fight scene with Bucky was also great and the tag team girl fight scene was also pretty amazing

CLINT: Which Bucky fight the one on the stairs or when he was cray. Or both

MARCHAE: Both actually were really good

I also like that it is a woman who calls Iron Man on his crap and tells him to watch his back

CLINT: The stairs is my fav next to the one at the end

The kids mom

MARCHAE: I also really did forget how awesome iron mans suit was  and I appreciated Stan Lee's cameo

those were all the things I liked

CLINT: It it's cool but he has no powers

MARCHAE: who? Iron Man

CLINT: Yep

MARCHAE: Are you kidding me right now?

LIKE ONLY TWO OF THEM DO ANYWAY!!!!

MIRI: Spiderman has powers. Just saying

CLINT: Iron Man has no powers he's just rich and smart

MARCHAE: like none of them have powers is my point I think that this wasn't a bad movie I just would rather more put together polished heroes

CLINT: Vision, Wanda, cap and Spidey

MARCHAE: if you say that things name one more time i swear  Ok can we please talk about spider man just for a moment and I will try to be rational

CLINT: They didn't need back story at this point We're like 12 movies in

MARCHAE: (also thats not a lot of people to depend on--but we are rehashing earlier conversation if we keep revising that point)  

CLINT: Spidey was awesome

MARCHAE: Here is my thing I don't like Spider Man ... not one bit nope

CLINT: Why

MARCHAE: in fact... my actual honest to god note says... "He reminds me of a chicken pox. 

K: I’m... not sure what this means?

he is always jokes on jokes on jokes. If I'm in trouble PLEASE do not call him. Is this THE BEST that Tony can do! He has the ENTIRE MARVEL UNIVERSE AT HIS DISPOSAL”

I've never liked spiderman . he is kind of whiney and it is really annoying when you're depending on people to save your life. I think from that point forward the movie kind of turns into a farce

CLINT: He is a kid and it's how he deals with the stress

Wow

MARCHAE: He needs to grow the heck up

See this is what I mean  

WHY

CLINT: He's in high school

MARCHAE: and the reason it turns into a farce

is because then ANT MAN WHO TURNS INTO A GIANT also JOINS US

CLINT: Tony used a child soldier. Let that sink in

MARCHAE: SANK. I mean there is an entire universe and that man was like let me go and get this MAN CHILD who makes JOKES to help out?

CLINT: Which is why you don't register

MARCHAE: and also the fact that Ant Man referred to them as SUPER HEROES. Which is why we need a manual  

rule number 1A: STOP MAKING JOKES AINT CRAP FUNNY...PEOPLE ARE DYING

K: Wait, maybe Marchae really will like Zack Snyder’s DC movies

CLINT: Ant Man was cool he had his own movie

MARCHAE: Sweet grief

I did like the ant woman/Madam Hot Sauce Fight!

CLINT: And if you let that get to you too much you're done

She kicked him in the gonads

MARCHAE: I feel like That trio: Ant, Spider and Iron Man act way to casual for me

she did and it was great!

Ant Man was the worst... A giant Tiny Man

CLINT: You need them though so it's not super dark. Giant Man was dope

MARCHAE: *eye roll*

CLINT: I'm at that part now. I'm watching it again

MARCHAE: You're watching it AGAIN! LOL

CLINT: Just cause

MARCHAE: YESS!!!

okay so did you have any specific questions for me?  (I mean I have lots for you but I feel like I can easily wikipedia them and spare the interwebs my ignorance)

CLINT: You can ask away, but how did you feel about the reveal at the end with Buck and Tony

MARCHAE: OH I actually really liked that and was shocked!!!  that was pretty cool

K: This is interesting. As a longtime MCU fan who saw it coming from the teaser (and I don't think the movie was necessarily trying to hide it), I still thought it worked on a dramatic level, partly since it involved a betrayal from Steve as well, in his lie of omission.

CLINT: All that destruction to break up the crew

MARCHAE: and it nearly worked...

CLINT: It did

MARCHAE: I think I even noted that it was sad that Captain America felt so alone in the world and that they were literally destroying each other... that was kind of sad ...and great character/story development

CLINT: Man out of time

Defend my friend or jump on board with something to keep his new friends. I was shocked I thought he was hoping to use the soldiers.  

But nope I'm here to let you know buddy killed your parents 

Have fun 

Also Tony's phone

MARCHAE: The phone?  what did I miss 

CLINT: It's just cool

MARCHAE: LOLOL 

CLINT: And projects holograms. I'd want it

MARCHAE: They have those out now! (just kidding)

CLINT: I would own it

MARCHAE: K I don't think I have anything else really of note necessarily

CLINT: See the funny thing is at the end they were close to all being friends again but that was part of the plan

Great ending

MARCHAE: OH NO i didn't mean to cut you off

CLINT: Oh it's cool

MARCHAE: Yeah ... but i feel like it will never be the same with them again 

CLINT: It won't be and that was the plan

MARCHAE: (not that i know a ton about how it used to be with them I mean I saw avengers 1... but still they seemed to all get along)  to turn them against each other and have them all going rogue perfect plan! sounds like gravy to me! 

CLINT: Yep in zemos eyes the avengers killed his family 

he knew he couldn't beat them so he decided to break them 

You can't overlook your friend knowing his homie killed your mom 

Then just be cool

MARCHAE: It is a very intricate story that's for sure

CLINT: But well done

MARCHAE: *offers tight smile*

CLINT: Lol

MARCHAE: We all like different movies  

CLINT: What would you score it

MARCHAE: I feel like it's a trick question because it's like the score BS and the score AS

CLINT: (I'm lost) wait spider Man

MARCHAE: YUP

CLINT: Oh wow such shade

MARCHAE: So BS  it yielded a solid 7.5

AS it went down to probably a 5... I really don't like him and it did get a little silly to me when he arrived on the scene

MIRI: OH MY GOD MARCHAE

CLINT: Then after

MARCHAE: also I need to shout out Marisa Tomei.

K: This did kind of make me want to watch Only You, an early-90s rom-com Tomei and Downey star in. But having seen the trailer, I’m not sure Downey’s character will have aged well.

After what

CLINT: After no more Spidey

MARCHAE: Oh it'd go back up to a 7.5

CLINT: 9.5

MARCHAE: on that note LOL 

CLINT: Lol

MARCHAE: well hey it's been a freaking DELIGHT to do this with you!!! I had fun watching and talking to you about Captain America Civil War

CLINT: 11ty. Hundred! It was a good time

MARCHAE: 11ty hundred is not a movie rating LOL 

CLINT: For this one it is

MARCHAE: I adore you 

Let's try and see LOGAN!

CLINT: I say bvs or we can do both

MARCHAE: what is BVS?  bible vacation school? 

CLINT: Or if you're up for torture will Smith and suicide squad. Batman vs Superman

MIRI: Marchae, don’t watch Suicide Squad. Two bad Will Smith movies in a year might destroy you. He’s good, but the movie is a disaster.

MARCHAE: Lets aim for BVS and Logan! we officially have plans! 

Thanks again for doing this brother 

CLINT: No prob sister

Thanks very much to Clint for being our first Guest Reactor! We hope he has time to join us again further down the line. I mean hopefully it won’t come down to the end of the line. Which is a reference Marchae would understand IF SHE’D WATCHED THE WINTER SOLDIER.

Anyway. No promises, but maybe a Spider-Man: Homecoming reaction is in the cards, though if we want Marchae to watch it we’re going to owe her two or three Reactions to things she chooses. Watch this space. In the meantime, you can follow us on Twitter.

[justlikejosephine-blog]

Tagged by @anassarhenisch -- thank you, this was fun =D

RULES: Always post the rules. Answer the questions asked, then write 11 new ones. Tag 11 people to answer your questions, as well as the person who tagged you. (Unless you are a rule breaker, breaking that rule.)

1) What sorts of art are on your walls?

OHHH BOY.   I wish I would have taken pics this morning!   I’ll stick with the living room which has a color scheme of burnt orange, golden yellow, light teal, and dark teal (and grey).  I love teals and that’s what I usually decorate with but I wanted to bring in some warmer colors. So I have these old printing tray type things that have a bunch of square/rectangular slots and I’ve put colored pieces of scrapbook papers in some of the slots.  I also made these hexagonal frames a few inches deep out of Popsicle sticks and painted them to match my color scheme and I’ve filled them with imitation moss and hand-cut paper succulents.  I have a couple of canvases I’ve made - one is painted with birch trees, one has a book page background with sheer orange leaves on top, an the other is a teal canvas with a book page flower.  I also have a poster that has the text from Walden in different colors in order to make a pond scene (this one).  And I also have a little frame with an elephant outline filled with paper strips (because I love elephants <3..)  So yeah - that’s the art on my walls! 

2) Pie or cake?

Today’s my birthday so I think I get both.

3) Do you have any favourite food from your family’s heritage(s)?

My family is German so I used to love braunschweiger and liverwurst (till I found out what liverwurst was lol).  I haven’t had either for a very long time though!

4) How many types of tea do you own right now?

6: Earl Grey Creme, White Chocolate Peppermint, Caramel Almond Amaretti, Hazelnut, Orange, Blaike (a chai chocolate tea created after a RWBY character).  I’m not counting bagged tea which I kind of have... idk a random assortment that aren’t in the right boxes right now.  And my husband has two teas (so, sort of mine too?): pomegranate and also a coconut tea.

5) What’s one trope that will always lure you in?

Unrequited love.  Not the whiney, piney sort, but more the type that’s like “I [love you, had good memories with you, etc] but we can’t be together because [we’ve both changed or grown into other people, my sister loves you more *cough*Hamilton*cough*, one of has died, one of us is pursuing out dreams, etc].  Idk, I like the it’s-sad-but-we-are-both-better-this-way thing lol.

6) You have a day free from obligations, but have to spend it on your own. What do you do?

I wake up, spend two hours trying to photograph some handmade cards because I’m pretty sure I’m totally going to start my own Etsy business because I have tons of time to do that, cry because I don’t have a car to get to Hobby Lobby and buy all the craft things I need, then I take a 2 hour pokewalk, come back home in time for Sonic happy hour, go home and shower and lament the fact that I didn’t stretch, eat first dinner (since I skipped lunch) of rice and fish, play a videogame for a few hours (Enderal at the moment), watch a movie (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close) and eat an entire pot of macaroni (fail), around midnight convince myself that, no, I don’t have the time to start an online business at the moment, watch New Girl until I fall asleep.

Oh wait - you meant in general - not last Saturday in particular?  Idk I’d probably bake bread, make crafts, write... you know, chill stuff.

7) What’s your favourite thing from the year you were born? (Media, fashion, historical events, etc.)

Beginning of Friends and also The Lion King was released!

8) Are there any books you’ve read that no one else seems to have?

Lots!  Right now I’m thinking of Travels with Charley by John Steinbeck and also In the Shadow of the Banyan by Vaddey Ratner.

9) Tell me a joke?

Q: What state makes the best sandwiches?

A: Deli-ware!

Be proud of me, I made that up when I was like 10 XD

10) What’s the coolest place you’ve ever seen?

I got to see the Pantheon when I was 13!  I would probably appreciate that waaay more now, but I still thought it was incredibly cool.

11) Is there another decade you’d like to have experienced as an adult?

Every time I watch a movie from the 50s I practically cry over their dresses.  Lol the only decade I’ve lived through that could go back to as an adult would be the 90s or 2000s and... eh.

My questions:

(1) Is there someone in your life who is a particularly amazing cook and, if so, what is their best dish?

(2) What phone app do you currently find the most fun/useful?

(3) Favorite cartoon?

(4) If you could be in charge of the film adaptation of any book, what book would you choose?

(5) Do you have a favorite work of art/artist and, if so, what is it and why?

(6) A day exploring the woods or the beach?

(7) Have you ever pulled an April Fools Day prank and, if so, what was your best one?

(8) You are building your perfect sandwich: what’s on it?

(9) You have to live the rest of your life in one book/videogame/film genre - what do you pick?

(10) Is there a hobby that you don’t have that you’d think you’d really enjoy if you had the time/resources/ability?

(11) What was your favorite memory from 2016?

I tag the following people -- no pressure to participate! -- @jennysbookishuniverse @birdiethebibliophile @bookscoffeerepeat @samiholloway @howlsmovinglibrary @vibbooks @books-are-portals @cereus-catalina @thebookwormadventurer