#not to be dramatic but i feel like my inner child is healing or whatever

[sporadicfrogs]

Obsessed with the fact that Donna Noble had such a tragic send off initially but now, more than a decade later, she comes back and wins harder than any other companion

Donna girlies are WINNING after 15 years

[ren-054]

Hey! Sorry, but I'm curious and I would like to ask u something. I've already asked the same question to another blog but I decided to gather different opinions/feedbacks, out of curiosity.

Do you think Sun, Moon and Eclipse, canon-wise, are a good representation of a system?

I know that many people see them differently, everyone has their own hcs and I do too, but if they were a system would it be accurate in terms of shifting/fronting etc?

I apologize if this question sounds weird or if I come off as offensive, it was not my intention. I don't know a lot about DID, I'm still studying, so feel free to correct me or to simply ignore this ask.

Oooh this question! Hrmmm

Also it’s all good, I love answering questions that have to do with pulling from my experiences :] I don’t mind at all!

TL;DR because I’m very wordy— I think the DCA’s a decent rep of the idea of a system but it still ends up with a lot of the pitfalls of current system rep (like alters framed as evil vs good since it’s a horror game and Moon is an enemy + Sun and Moon’s inner conflict being resolved either through a fusion into Eclipse or simply letting a more stable alter front with little further elaboration on the matter)

So the DCA definitely feel like a system that could exist, but it still reads like that awkward middle stage of media rep where there’s still a dependence on shock factor and spectacle over them just being a system that exists, but they’re overall fine.

I think viewing them as a system is very neat and I love how validating/relatable a lot of the fan works can be when tackling the DCA’s dynamic with each other :] I see little issue with viewing them as a system, if that’s part of the question

Long answer below pfpf

Where do I start…

I think I’m a bit torn? Their canon switch from SB, if we are viewing them as a hypothetical system, definitely felt dramatized because it’s a horror game (but maybe some people experience switches like this! I wouldn’t know)

Also the fact the horror effect is likely coming from having an overall benign doormat of a guy suddenly becoming unsafe post-switch feels a bit iffy to me since it feeds into that othering/demonizing narrative of mentally ill + neurodivergent folk, but Sun’s panic about Moon fronting is still a mood, to be fair. I have my own paranoia about certain alters getting triggered out ajhdks

As for fronting, the DCA don’t really get to express how that works for them, so I can’t say. The only thing I could glean is that,

1, Sun was aware a switch occurred that allowed Moon out but, for whatever reason, was upset enough to still kick Gregory out the daycare knowing he could still be in danger so there’s not much info there, and

2, Ruin Eclipse seemed to have less memories than Sun or Moon given he acted like he just met Cassie when he fronted, sort of reminiscent of either an alter coming back after a long period of dormancy or a much more generally dissociated alter. Sun still talked after Eclipse came back so he’s still in there, and presumably Moon too.

For me, I think I have a lot of internal communication and rarely have hard switches (a switch where there’s only one alter fronting with little interference from any other part) so I can’t say too much about hard switches like what seems to happen with the DCA. Sun and Moon were in a terrible rapid switching and/or fighting-for-front situation in Ruin though, and I feel for them. I’ve been through it and it’s not fun.

I was actually surprised at how much more.. system-coded the DCA were in Ruin but I always had a bit of an issues with it for one reason

There wasn’t a lot of closure for Sun and Moon specifically (only implied through Ruin Eclipse’s calm and more child-friendly nature) so I’d feel a bit weird to say that the DCA as we know them at this point is a great.. summary for systems as a whole? Like you gotta do what you gotta do to heal yknow so this isnt judging how they need to help themselves, but I’m looking at the bigger picture of system rep and the preconceptions of a layman audience.

I know not every system likes the idea of their parts being ignored/shunted in favor of a more “complete” fused hypothetical version of themselves, including myself. But for the DCA, as Sun strongly implies, this is the best solution for them in the moment in order to stabilize so really I can’t judge them.

Sun said thank you, though, so I hope that means them and Moon are getting some well deserved rest away from front. I do hope to see things from them feeling better in the future, but I don’t have much faith that we’d be given that.

[clownwwx]

emotional rambling!

this is my the-body-keeps-the-score season so I expected it to arrive, waiting patiently ever since January, a dreadful anticipation really. But pretending that it's not there, dear god, it can be so much more exhausting. So I just let it. I'm like "yeah, I know. It's time." I know exactly where it's going to hurt and for how long and what my trauma response is and how I feel around other people or away from them and all the deeply evil ways my own mind operates, how I become way too tired to nurture myself or heal or whatever the fuck. How I scowl at the mere idea of asking for help, the way I let out a proverbial hiss - I become deeply exhausting, deeply infuriating, deeply unpleasant to be around for longer than maybe two hours - so fucking dramatic. And I become so entrenched in myself, I feel like a big selfish idiot who is only capable of thinking of my own pain and how I just bleed and cry everywhere. My therapist is like "you need to feel your feelings to be able to let them go" and it's just so dark in here, I constantly struggle to find a way out, it's just endless, how do you even go past the whole feeling them part. I wish I was unabashed about my needs but putting my needs first has somehow always become another layer in this never ending wound, like a scab I keep picking at over and over. Fuck my needs - I don't know what I need anymore. I need to not have to say what my needs are. Who cares. Who cares.

Actually, I need my sanctuary - the one that's in my head. The windows are big and you can clearly see the sunset through them, it makes the entire area look golden. I initially started to write this with the intention of wanting to speak about my sanctuary actually. I was having a bad episode and I thought maybe it would be a good idea to write about my sanctuary. I came up with the concept of it late one night when I couldn't sleep and I was having a depressive episode. I was trying to comfort myself, or rather my inner child that was just so deeply upset and felt so betrayed by everyone and everything. In the image in my head, I am holding her tight in a comfortable bed. It is serene and the sunset light washes over the room. Our cat hops on the bed and cuddles near us. My inner child has calmed down and is not crying anymore, I am the adult that will keep her safe - the one she's always needed. The sanctuary is not just a place, it's my little magical world where my inner child is allowed to scream and jump and play and talk as much as she wants without being reprimanded for it.

She also has magical powers and can do telekinesis. Yeah that's right! Telekinesis (like Matilda)! She reads all the books ever. She knows so much! She knows of violence, all different types of them, but she has not experienced any of it - because I have kept her safe. In our little home, she can fall asleep anywhere! Whenever she wants! Wherever she wants. And it's so easy! It makes me so happy whenever I see her take a nap without a single worry in her head. She wears anything she wants to, sometimes she likes dresses, other times she likes baggy pants and a hoodie. She cuts her hair however short she wants or she lets it grow however long she wants, and she looks so cute in any style. In our sanctuary, she plays with our cat, and she reads books, and she watches her favourite movies, and sings loudly (and badly) and she never feels alone or abandoned, because I am there with her. Throughout all the tantrums, and emotional episodes, and moments of confusion or distress. This is the sanctuary. It's not just a place, you see, it's holy; to her and me. We have each other throughout it all, and one day we will figure out how to also allow someone else in here. Someone kind and understanding and patient and sweet and loving. Someone who gets confused and distressed just like we do but it's okay because we are there for each other, we can depend on each other.

And I guess that's what my needs are after all. It's my the-body-keeps-the-score season and I know I'll be okay. I will not abandon myself, I will let myself cry and feel and I will trust myself to know the way out. After all, I am the adult that makes me feel safe, the one I can trust.

[postcardstohell]

Dear El,

I’m having sort of a hard time understanding this healing process. Maybe i’m just not sure what needs the healing, I couldn’t really say. Although that saying “ignorance is bliss” depending on a moment, I have found that statement to be true. How can anyone ever reach a state of peace after losing such a level of ignorance and innocence in a manner so unkind? Can I ever have the privilege of knowing bliss again, and did I ever truly know it before? I used to fear the shadows, and now I am them. I used to fear monsters under my bed as a child, who knew that someday i’d become one. Certainly not me! I grew up to be the monsters and ghosts, that I feared the most. How interesting. To a certain degree, maybe that’s what childhood demons are. All the worst parts of ourselves, our sins, future gore, and every mistake going back in time to serve as a warning? And maybe that inner child will scream out- bleed out our adult years until we’ve paid our dues. Ignorance is bliss? No ignorance is timeless. A cycle of hell whatever that means! I feel like i’ve lived out a morbid version of little bunny foo foo, and I know it sounds a bit on the dramatic side but I can’t be the only one! Because that would be far too lucky! Oh geez I don’t even know what i’m saying anymore. I just wish to go home, but I haven’t found one my whole life!

Until next time!

-sent from the closet

Yours truly 💕

// Ophydia

[elektra-world]

In Too Deep

Summary: Ever since Sora’s accident, Jenna hasn’t been feeling the same. The groups goofiest and most lovable member battles with some inner demons that get the best of her, and she winds up hurting herself in the end.

POV: Jenna

Warnings: Anxiety, Depression, Insecurity, body shaming, verbal/emotional abuse, errr...minor injury? (Poor baby....)

With the groups temporary hiatus, Jenna had grown bored. So had Mr. Park, evidently, because he had become far more abusive towards anyone in the vicinity and with most of the members being away visiting family (except for Sora), Jenna had become his favorite target these past two weeks. Everyday, it was nothing but:

"You should go to the gym more and eat less because you are once again getting fat and unsightly."

"You're a weird and immature girl with horrible manners. How any man could be attracted to you is beyond me."

"You are the ugliest member of the group. The least you could do is lose weight so fans have something nice to look at."

"That pretty boy could do much better than you and you know it."

Her down time led her to her sitting and stewing in her own paranoid, insecure thoughts. All his harsh words zoomed through her mind at the speed of light. 

Today though had been the happiest day she's experienced the last few weeks. Her and Sora had gone out to dinner with their respective partners, along with K and Kim Tan and Sevens parents as a pre-wedding celebration. It felt good being with everybody and laughing again after being alone and inactive for so long.

Naturally though, by the end of the dinner, her intrusive thoughts reared its ugly head. Jenna caught a glimpse of Venus' name and text on Junhos phone. She wanted to go shopping with him. Her mind kept flashing back to the hug Venus gave him while Junho and Jenna were in a video call and Venus was unaware. Jenna then convinced herself Venus liked him and that at some point, Junho would leave Jenna. Her reasonable side kicked it in, though - she didn't want to be a super clingy and controlling girlfriend plus she trusted him and wanted Junho to have a life of his own outside of her, so she let him go - she had to unpack, anyways, and didn’t want to bore him.

Jenna knew she was being dramatic and paranoid, which made her feel even more crazy. Did she think he would cheat on her? No. Did she believe him when he told her how much he loved her or how beautiful she was? Yes. Still, her inner demons took pleasure in playing with her emotions and wreaking havoc in her mind - it really felt like a whole different, sentient entity inside of her and took advantage of her immaturity and lack of experience when it came to relationships.

Jenna thought back to an emotional phone call with Yua form a few days ago.

“You’re letting a couple of high school losers and a sociopath with little man syndrome make you feel unworthy of love. You’re the most lovable, genuine person I’ve ever known.” Yua had told her.

“M-maybe I should break up with him...Maybe he’s better off, you know? It’s not fair for him to have to worry and constantly reassure me because I’m some stupid insecure dumb dumb. I know it’s all in my head but he deserves better, Yuyu.”

Yua hollered on the other line, the sound of her smacking the microphone blasted through the speaker. “Yah, J! Don’t be such a fool! Junho is a grown man who knows what he likes and he chose you. not venus or whatever girl you’ve concocted in your head - he chose you and only you. Plus the way he looks at you is so...Sickeningly sweet it makes me want to barf a little bit. It’s a look of a boy who’s deeply in love and nobody can fake THAT.” 

it was an overreaction on her part and thankfully, she came to her senses thanks to the help of her member, who was always very understanding yet sensible and not afraid to show some tough love when needed.

“This stupid birth control.” Jenna muttered, kicking an empty box across her room. “Turning me into some emotional, moody mess.” The tears that had threatened to spill earlier in the car finally came out and she fell back onto her bed, letting out an exasperated groan, arms and legs flailing around wildly like a child throwing a tantrum.

After fifteen minutes, she stood up and headed downstairs, wanting to distract herself with unpacking more. She grabbed a particularly heavy box and started up the stairs but due to tears that still lingered and blurred her vision, she ended up taking a mistep, dropping the box as she lost her balance, her body twisting as she attempts to catch herself using the railing.

There was a sharp pain in her ankle and she cried even harder, feeling like a complete idiot now. Sora was just starting to fully heal from her accident so the group could finally work on their next comeback, and now Jenna had gone and hurt herself. It was too much for her and she lost it in that moment, laying on the cold tile floor and sobbing for a good half an hour. A part of her just wanted to lay there and wither away. Thankfully though - after getting all her pent up emotions out, she finally came to her senses and got her phone from her jeans pocket, calling for a taxi before pushing herself up and hobbling outside.

Mentions: Junho  (@trubluestar-offical​)

A/N: It’s just a lot for our poor girl to handle. She loves being busy and loves being around people (which she hasn’t been lately) and she really cares about her friends and family. Some past traumas involving her older brother (who she adores) kind of throws her for a loop and it tends to really screw with her mind when people she cares about are injured. Add on her new birth control and she’s a bit on the overemotional, dramatic side but our food loving little butthead will get her shit together eventually.

[bangtanblurbs]

abyss

song: abyss by jin

first experience: as a relatively new song, i remember clearly abyss’ drop. 12/2/2020 - several months into whatever quarantine had come to mean by that point, thanksgiving had just past and christmas was coming up in a matter of weeks. those few weeks between the holidays often pass by in a blur for me. holidays are hard. they’re not the romantic times they always were when i was a child. once again i’d been sitting at home in my tiny studio apartment, freezing, trying to crank through work and school obligations. i can assure you my headspace was less than great, between the cold, the holiday season, the deadlines that had piled up... abyss dropping was the perfect medicine for how i was feeling. 

feelings: when i listen to abyss i can’t help but feel emotional. of course. naturally the accompanying note that came with abyss was heartbreaking enough. but at the same time, the song feels like home. it feels like walking into my apartment after a long day and slipping into my favorite hoodie that desperately needs to be thrown into the wash. the familiar feeling brings about warmth despite the sobering reality that i’m still here, by myself, slipping into my ratty clothing and climbing into bed to disassociate from the self-hatred, stress, obligation, and grief i carry daily. the reality is, listening to abyss is like listening to my inner voice. i’m not saying i understand jin, or any of the shit he’s obviously gone through and dealt with in his very colorful life, but i feel close to him whenever i put the song on. i feel like as i grow older - i grow into myself - i grow into the pain i’ve harbored for years now. while i sometimes feel like i’m drowning in the abyss, at least i have the comfort that my feelings aren’t as alien as they seem. especially for someone who has been fortunate in life in many ways - this song shows me that i’m still *allowed* to hurt. i’m still allowed to carry my pain and feel it flow through me. 

i must also say, that my heart broke many times know that jin feels the emotions that abyss conveys. the self-doubt, the anxiety... how we all must wish we could wash it away. i only hope with all of my heart that he’s been given time, space, and resources to process his emotions fully. i can’t imagine carrying what he’s carrying and having the schedule he has. bless. 

personal connection: as alluded to, i’m not the most stable person. i can post happy photos online, i can breathe my idealism into others, i can love with the full capacity of my heart - but i have plenty of demons. i’m not sure where they came from, i noticed them around the time i became a teenager - that sinking feeling that all aspects of my existence are ugly, undesirable, annoying. these demons have never gone away. no matter how much i strive for my dreams, no matter what i accomplish, the amount of solitude that exists in my life allows for the cracks in my heart to rip open forcefully. 

it’s this very thinking that limits me. i don’t believe in myself. i don’t really believe in anything if i’m being honest. everything feels dark. there’s ups and downs. much how jin describes in the song - i desperately want to be a part of a more vibrant existence. i deeply want to connect with others, but the anxiety, the self doubt, the hatred i harbor, they’re paralyzing. simple tasks - texting a friend to make plans, following through with plans, speaking in a group setting, advocating for myself, they’re all things i’d rather shut the door on. vulnerability? i can’t open myself up for any more pain. in my mind, i’d rather retreat to the darkness, convincing myself i’m not worthy of taking another’s time, space, efforts. and i get overwhelmed, the feelings that jin is describing perfectly - having someone take an interest in me - having someone show me love... it feels false, it takes my breath away, only makes me question more. it makes me wonder how long i’ll indulge them before i push them away and move to my own abyss. 

in abyss jin isn’t even talking about another person. he’s speaking to himself. there’s not a romantic or even friendship he’s speaking of in the song. it’s more about like - is it okay for me to feel happy or hopeful? am i someone who should be allowed to meet happiness? this is something i relate to even more profoundly than the previously mentioned worries over letting new people into my life. ever since i went off to university from my kinda shitty hometown i wondered... is this life something i’m allowed to have for myself? am i worthy of it? did i do anything to deserve the place i’m at? i feel often like my work, my thoughts, my actions -- they’re not enough to place me in some of the places i’ve been lucky enough to have a seat. these doubts can cripple me with inaction and keep me chained to the present, or at the very least held back from progress and moving forward. these feelings were exactly what i was going through in december. do i deserve to be pursuing my phd? am i worthy? i haven’t accomplished near what my peers have, and i probably never will... i’m not as passionate as the others i pass by in the hallways, those i share a floor with at meetings... i’m a shell compared to them. should i retreat to my abyss rather than continue to occupy space where i don’t feel i’m allowed to be? am i allowed to celebrate and feel happiness when i’m not really doing as well as i could be?

obviously this sounds like whining, it sounds pathetic. and perhaps to someone it is, but it’s the reality of my mind. it’s something i bear and it’s something i’m finally okay sharing with others. i don’t know how to overcome these emotions i harbor - but that feeling of feeling most comfortable in my abyss, in the dark, in the little world i’ve created in my lonely haven... that’s my reality. that’s the feeling that i’ve connected to when i listen to abyss. it’s those moments when you look our your window, at your phone, and you see the outside world moving rapidly in the sunlight, and you can’t help but feel you don’t deserve to be a part of it... you can’t help but know that your true place is in the abyss. the pleasure i receive from escaping reality is unexplainable. and sometimes, it’s pleasure in the fact that i’m punishing myself, putting myself in the dark and ugly place i think i truly belong. that abyss - it’s my haven. it’s my sanctuary. 

song breakdown:

musically: abyss is beautifully understated musically, but not in a way that makes it a stripped vocal song... but instead in a way that highlights the emotion laden in jin’s voice. the piano backing picks up with the song and brings in some effects along the way to highlight the emotional pauses between the heavy lyrics. its the perfect ballad. truly. the incorporation of a steady beat track at the second verse also ads to the emotions of feeling like something is dragging, the monotony of these emotions as one carries through each day. 

the dramatic pauses that lead into the verses and highlight the pure emotion carried in jin’s tone also bring emphasis to the powerful refrain in the chorus - it’s almost reminiscent of personal realizations, personal *epiphanies* one might say. that moment where you draw in a big breath and gulp it down before confronting your demons. while the track keeps it’s steady pace, it does what it should for this piece - highlights the beauty of jin’s voice, and carries the weight of the emotions in the lyrics. 

vocally: honestly, just wow. jin’s voice, is absolutely stunning in this song. completely breathtaking in the best kind of way. i say this with nothing but complete respect - jin’s vocals have done nothing but improve and grow in strength over time to the complete crisp perfection they are today. the amount of emotion he carries in his tone is also perfect to deliver such a profound ballad as abyss. i hope he knows that we can feel every ounce of truth and healing he put into the song. 

we all know jin is the high note king, but he honestly ops for more of a storytelling vibe in this song, keeping within his lower register throughout the verses. it really isn’t until we are mid-chorus that we get the breathtaking high note during the line “ 잠기고 싶어 가보고 싶어.” this is perhaps the most profound lyric of the chorus as well, since it’s the moment in which jin expresses a desire. most of the lyrics up to that point explain a state of being, his emotions, but at this point - he is almost calling out his desire. his painful desire. to stay lost within in his abyss. it’s painful and stunningly beautiful at the same time.

the genius of the entire song was jin delivering abyss in a way that we don’t always hear him sing in BTS songs. the buttery smoothness of his voice is on full display, with no need to stay in his high register for long we can really hear the weight in his tone, the pleading in his voice, the sincerity. it’s sobering, and it’s powerful. and i must say, i can’t wait to get more songs like this from jin in the future. i hope he continues to share his heart, his voice, and his talent with us. 

lyrically: oh man. this one is a deep cut. you can really feel jin’s voice throughout the lyrics of abyss. the accompanying note that he released with the song brings a lot of context and understanding to the lyrics. in the note jin explains feeling inadequate and insecure in light of the amazing accomplishments that BTS had made over the years, specifically highlighting the #1 on Billboard Hot 100. he explains that he felt like his passion and talents were lacking compared to others in music, and felt undeserving of the love, joy, and recognition he received. his emotions seem to be similar to those of imposter syndrome, feeling like he doesn’t belong in a space he inhabits and actually receives accolades for existing within. what’s more telling is in this note jin expresses his apprehension to share these sadder emotions he harbors. this song is so incredibly raw for being a place in which jin finally found a space in which to express his feelings, let them run freely and beautifully without the concern that he needed to stay strong for ARMY.

to jump right into a closer analysis of the lyrics - the song begins with a story like vibe. the first lyric “i hold my breath as i walk into my sea” brings about the image of the speaker (i apologize in advance if i alternate between speaker and jin) beginning their descent into deeper waters of the ocean. the speaker is bracing for this though, as they are the one propelling it forward with enough pacing to prepare and hold their breath. to me, this is alluding to jin knowing that he’s falling into a darker space in his mind, consciously allowing himself to slip into that space. he then moves into describing his state “i face myself who is crying beautifully and sorrowfully.” jin is describing that he’s taking account of his state, speaking to himself and seeing the distraught state that exists within his mind -- seeping into his outer appearance. 

the pre-chorus moves into a different vibe, jin addresses the duality in himself. he recognizes both the parts of himself that are strong - that can shoulder and carry the parts of him that are deeply broken and sad. “myself in that darkness / i’d like to go find him and tell him” this is jin speaking with clarity to his broken self, his rationality coming through to speak to the parts of him that are insecure and hurting. “that i’d like to know more about you today, yeah” perhaps this is jin’s way of saying that he wishes he understood himself better, that he wishes he could more confidently identify the emotions he was feeling and process them fully. the pre-chorus in my mind is jin using some clarity to check in with himself and take inventory of his state when he’s in his darkest moments.

the chorus picks up and delivers a few devastatingly beautiful and sobering lines. “still, i remain with myself / with my voice unable to come out, i just circle around him.” this is where we see the ultimate conclusion of the engagement in the pre-chorus... jin’s insecurity and pain keeps his strength from winning out. the duality in his being still exists, but in this moment it’s the pain, the insecurity, the feelings of inadequacy that have won out. “that dark place, / i’d like to be submerged in it, i’d like to go to it / i’ll be there” jin then places us back into the story he started in the beginning of the song - he’s submerged in the abyss, the darkest and deepest point of the ocean. he speaks to taking the time to really feel the emotions that he is harboring, causing him pain. while this could be a conscious decision he is making to better understand and process his emotions it’s also likely that this desire is rooted in self-loathing, a desire to self-punish for his perceived shortcomings. the pleasure that sometimes one can gain from fully feeling pain that they believe they deserve. the line about being submerged also brings about the image of an anchor in my mind - like these emotions are weighing jin down. while anchors may sink slowly (like slowly taking a breath and walking into the sea) they’re hard to pull back up -- they want to stay seated to the ground, where they belong to do their job. perhaps jin is in some ways alluding to this. either way, the chorus is about a desire to remain in the dark place, where it feels safe, where he feels he deserves to be. the final line is “today as well, i circle around you again.” which brings us back to the pre-chorus dialogue between jin’s duality - the part of him that may rationally understand that he deserves love, that he works hard, that he is worthy... but yet this part can’t seem to gain control over the darker feelings within him... so there’s this idling, this perpetual circle of inaction. 

moving into the second verse this interaction occurring within jin’s inner being continues. “the closer i get to you, the more breathless i become and the father away you feel” while this line is a bit more difficult for me to completely understand what i think he is speaking to is that as he begins to think he understands his emotions, when he thinks he might be regaining his confidence he realizes he is only scratching the surface. he realizes that there’s more to his darker emotions than he’d initially thought. perhaps he thought he was just having a bad day or feeling in funk, but then he realizes that there’s a piece of him that he doesn’t quite understand and perhaps isn’t ready to understand as the word “breathless” invokes a feeling of overwhelm. the second and closing line of the verse is “wouldn’t it be that you went deeper into the sea, yeah” invoking that these darker emotions only continue to grow, evolve, and perhaps overwhelm. he feels like he can’t quite pull himself out of the place he’s in, no matter what he tries. 

the pre-chrous as analyzed above then repeats, although the meaning is somewhat different when following the second verse. this is because the nature of the second verse is more hopeless in nature, therefore while jin would like to be able to regain some control over these darker feelings -- he’s just expressed that as he tries he finds it more overwhelming and difficult. finds himself moving further into the dark emotions. 

the final chorus is different that the previous - the lyrics change and while they continue a deeply sorrowful theme, they also bring about some hope. the first line, “still, i remain with you” is telling. jin is reminding himself that even if he feels consumed by these emotions, the other components of him still exist. he isn’t just the darker feelings that have taken precedence. he can have his confidence when he’s ready, he can maintain his duality. all aspects of jin, even if he’s feeling broken. “with my voice unable to come out, i just circle around him.” even if he feels he can’t gain control of these emotions, he can be patient with himself, he can know that there’s the potential that he can overcome, but also he knows that it’s okay in this moment to just feel. “that dark place / i’d like to be submerged in it, i’d like to go to it” this line is re-emphasizing jin’s desire to stay in the place where he feels comfortable, where he can feel his darker emotions, where he things he truly deserves to be. “today as well, like this, i close my eyes to get to you.” this is the final line of the song and it delivers a sense of comfort. no matter what, jin knows that he can be at peace - he may have these darker emotions, but he can close his eyes, he can rest and carry all aspects of his emotional state. the dark, the light, the highs and the lows. he can take his time in the abyss when he needs to. 

tl;dr? abyss is one of those songs that anyone who has struggled with self-doubt, dabbled or dipped fully into self-hatred can identify with. many people i’m sure have their own abyss. their own place in their mind where they’d like to lock themselves in - a prison of their own design that in one way might be one’s punishment for their perceived shortcomings, but also can be a paradise when a beautiful being seemingly undeserved reality feels like too much to bear. jin’s artistry both in terms of lyrics and vocals are on full display in the song - showing his amazing range and delivering a piece full of emotional tones. abyss is a stunning piece of the man’s mind and heart that i am extremely grateful to be able to experience. 

[weswritescomics]

Character descriptions:

Bruce Wayne: Italian-American 30 years old. 6’3, slick black hair, darker blue eyes, usual darkened lining around eyelids, fit build. Not as stocky, more slender psychic, but still muscular. Five o’clock shadow, always.

The Batman: Dark blue shading to his costume, stitched leather cape, shorter ears on the cowl, cowl a darker blue than the cape. Doesn’t look like armor, more fabric, woven with kevlar. Lenses are white as snow, reflect light and shine in the dark, not animatic however, still and shaped.

Alfred Pennyworth: 63 years old, balding head, full beard of grey and white, 5’9. Stocky build, English, war veteran.

Detective James Gordon: 40 years old. African American, 6’2. Firm build, rougher mustache, balding hair, new hire at GCPD, transfer from Metropolis.

Detective Harvey Bullock: 37 years old. Caucasian, 5’9, heavy set, longer orange tinted beard, always wearing a classic hat. Thinks of himself as a real hot shot.

J𝗨𝗦𝗧𝖨𝗖𝗘 𝗟𝗘𝗔𝗚𝗨𝗘.

𝗘𝗔𝗥𝗧𝗛 - 60.

Chapter One.

The Night Cometh.

Gotham City, August, 1962.

Rain is the constant in Gotham. Pelting rays of ice cold water that hit window shields at a rapid pace. Across the open yard of Wayne Manor, through long strands of untamed grass, and leafless trees, sit two grave stones. Each of them a mark of the past that holds him. Each of them carved with the singular word.

𝗪𝗮𝘆𝗻𝗲.

“Master Bruce?” The butlers tinted voice breaks his train of thought, standing at the window, with hands clasped behind his back — is Bruce Wayne. The last heir of the Wayne fortune, and The Prince of Gotham, “Alfred, in here.” His voice is lower, rougher than that of the past. A child, who was once full of life and optimism, was now a man heavy with dread.

“Sir.” Alfred stands in the doorway of the room they both share, the old master bed room of Martha and Thomas Wayne. He holds in his hands, a silver tray, accompanied with a small cup of coffee, fresh with the trail of heated steam — and next to it, a blueberry muffin, “You don’t usually come in here, I wasn’t sure where you were. Large house and all.” Alfred moves across the open space, placing said tray of assorted goods on the edge of the bed, “I thought it was time.” Wayne responds, however, his eyes keep outward, looking towards the gravestones that stare right back at him, “I owe them that much.” Pennyworth let’s out a sigh, his white gloved hands find themselves intertwining. He rocks on the back of his heals, with a small clearing of his throat.

“Master Bruce, I think it’s time you let go of the ghost in the backyard, and comeback to the land of the living.” Bruce doesn’t answer. “You’ve been back in Gotham for a whole year now, and you’ve barley seen the city for what it is now.” “I have.” Wayne turns finally, his eyes rage with pain, with lack of sleep — and vengeance. “Running around at night does 𝗻𝗼𝘁 count. Allowing yourself to feel the pain, to move on, and to run your fathers company 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀.”

Bruce takes small steps toward Alfred, the space between the two closes, “Alfred.” He starts, “We’ve seen this city for what it truly is, it showed us long ago the violence it can produce. The only way to fix that, is to bring it down, from its core. Gotham can’t rebuild, until the infestation — the 𝘃𝗶𝗿𝘂𝘀 — that crime is, is ridden of.” The two lock eyes now, a father made of grief, an arrogant son full of pain, their words aren’t spoken here — how much they truly need one another. Instead, it is met with another sigh, as Alfred takes the tray from the bed, turning and heading for the door, “We’ll then, a late dinner it is.”

GCPD Precinct, August, 1962.

The precinct buzzes with the usual morning crew of Gotham’s finest. Each of them in their own world of steady cases and rising efforts for the fight against crime. Or so, this is what James Gordon would’ve like to think they were doing. In reality it was 15% working against crime, and 85% working 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 crime. But he knew this before he even moved his family here, before he and his pregnant wife Barbara, took the plunge into the crime capital of the world. He, saw it as a way to do right by his father. Metropolis was dangerous, sure, but compared to Gotham, it was a shiny utopia. His father, then officer Gordon, always told him one thing — you do right not by the actions you 𝗱𝗼, but by the people you 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽.

And those words stuck with him ever since, which is what brought him here. The GCPD was failing, the criminal underground was boiling over into the ordinary world, dirty cops helped push that quota into reality, hate crimes continued to soar, even within the GCPD — and yet he still felt like there was good in this city. An ability, if it were to try, if it were to be given even an ounce of a chance, to shine — if not 𝗯𝗿𝗶𝗴𝗵𝘁𝗲𝗿 — than Metropolis. Barbara didn’t think so, she didn’t like the move, but how could she. The only silver lining she saw in this city was the chance of real and meaningful social work. Something that Metropolis barely offered. Again, a utopia to Gotham.

“Gordon!” Bullocks voice comes across the room, a gentle motion for Gordon to come closer, a waiting look on Harvey’s face, behind him in the meeting office was current Commissioner Harlen. James fixed his tie as he walked forth, bumping shoulders with busy bodies, and gaining 𝗴𝗹𝗮𝗿𝗲𝘀 from those who’d wish for his downfall. Since his arrival, Gordon had done nothing but make enemies, other then Harvey — most of The GCPD had already told their assorted crime bosses about Gotham’s new hotshot. And how he was 𝗮𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗺𝗽𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 to save the city from its internal bleeding.

“You’re late.” Bullock snorts, he combs out the side collar of Gordon’s coat, “I had —“ marriage troubles, “—to take the trash out. Got in a fight with a raccoon before I could claim my territory.” Both men let out a gentle laugh, before Harvey motions inside with his head, “C’mon.”

The room sits idle with one singular table, three chairs — two on one side, one lone on the other. The white board behind the single chair is covered with photo evidence, four separate crime scenes, each of them murders of four wealthy Gotham elites. All of them, with two common factors, the fact that each man used his wealth — his power — to influence The GCPD, the political world of Gotham, and to fund The Falcone mob family. The second thing they had in common; the large lipstick like star marked across the face. And the burning white eyes, void of emotion.

“Gordon..” Harlen begins, “Sorry.” James responds, he takes a seat, as does Harvey. “Four new cases boys, each of them on the same path you’ve been following —“ “Christ.” Harvey lets out under his breath, “—each of them as proper as the first three. Our perp, whoever it is, is one for the thematic and the dramatic.” Gordon digs into his coat pocket, pulling out a small notepad, “I was able to get in touch with forensics on the last hit, sent them a sample of whatever that green shit was — turns out it’s the same chemicals produced at ACE.” Harvey learns forward, “As in ACE chemicals?” James nods. “You too go there yet?” The commissioner leans forward, hands placing on the top of the table, a shift in the weight he holds, “No. No not yet.” Harvey responds, he takes his hat off for a second, running his hands through curly uncut hair.

“Then you go there next.” Harlen sits up now, hands resting on his belt buckle, “We’re on it.” Gordon responds, Harvey shoots him a look. They were friends, yes, too an extent. Gordon knew of Harvey’s deals, the backwater jobs he took in his earlier days of GCPD, he knew he was out — but he knew he still had ties. It was the only reason he never turned Harvey in, he was out, and trying to stay out. Trying to be clean, trying to be a better cop. That’s all any of them could do, try.

ACE Chemicals, August, 1962.

The old squad car rolls alongside echoing gravel, Gotham had just been covered in rain, verified by the shine left on the rocks and stone buildings that await them. A warrant for a search hides away in the glovebox, the car itself comes to a stop, just outside the gates — the lights turn off — as well as the engine. Out steps the two detectives, each of them in long coats. One, Gordon, with a freshly lit cigarette hanging from his lips, the other — Harvey — with a small flask held in his hands.

“Hate this place.” Bullock states, closing the squad car door behind him, “Scared?” Gordon muses, mouth slightly muffled by the stick, “Of radiation? Yea, sure. Also — the fact that only low life pieces of garbage hang at these parts. Talkin the worst of the worst out here Jim.” “James.” “What?” “Don’t call me Jim, man. That’s my dads name. I’m James Gordon, he’s Jim.” Harvey waves him off, taking one last swig, “When you pay my bills, I’ll call you whatever you want me to. Hell, maybe even president Gordon someday.” James shakes his head, placing the remaining cigarette on the ground, and stomping it out, it sizzles as it’s smushed between heel and wet gravel. The two set forth, walking through the now opened metal gate, the chain links rattle and ache as they push past. Each of them holding a flashlight in hand, “What did forensics say exactly?”

“They told me —“ Gordon takes out another cigarette, lighting it, the red end illuminates the inner palms of his hands. And then, a gentle puff of smoke. “That this chemical was created here, it was initially a military grade weapon — meant to be used in Germany. But, it was deemed too violent — er — powerful as they put it. Was scrapped, at least it was suppose to be.” “So how the hell is it on Gotham streets?” “That’s why we’re here. Aren’t we?” ACE chemicals spirals into a kingdom of cone like buildings, each of them painted with the same three letter word — ACE, ACE, ACE. And each cone, a spewing mountain of smoke. As each man continues their walk, they stride in silence, each of them in their own thought — focused on the task at hand. Gordon, thought back to Barbara, the conversation they had before he left this morning. It wasn’t pretty.

In the first year, they were better — they were still whole. That was until 𝗵𝗲 came along. A figure of the night, a myth that soon became reality — a man built of darkness and mystery. The Batman. He came to Gordon, he didn’t know why then, or at least he thought he didn’t. But he understood now, a year later, why Batman came to him. They were honest, mask and all, they knew one another — what this city meant, and how to save it. But this, this devotion that came with this relationship — ruined his real one. Days, weeks, months, spending late nights at GCPD. Working alongside The Batman, taking down the man they now call The Riddler. He laughs, an audible one, one that catches Harvey’s attention.

The Riddler. How funny it was, it use to be gangsters, both street and professional level men. Then, it became all about costumes. The red blur in Central City, who took down the man who called himself Captain Cold. The Amazon in Washington, fought a living tiger like woman. It was all, truly? Insane. And somehow, someway, they — these normal men — were soon intertwined in it all. 𝗔𝗔𝗔𝗔𝗔𝗔𝗛! A scream breaks him, cigarette dropping from parted lips. “Shit — was that?” “Go!” Their guns are removed from their holsters, their feet dig into the ground, pushing them into a run, “Go! Go! Go!” James repeats — one step ahead of the larger Bullock.

They almost slide taking a corner, the damp gravel giving way to their fastening pace. Until, they come into clear view of the scene ahead, hanging from the roof of a taller, shackle like building, is a lone man. His foot, wrapped in a thin line of wiring — one that can only be seen when it catches the small light of the moon, “Awe hell.” Harvey lets out, his gun lowering, his feet stopping. Out of the corner of his eye, Gordon sees it. The small shimmer of white, that pierces through the dark of Gotham — that lets him know their not alone here. The Batman, “Harvey, go get him down, cuff him. I think I see something...” Detective Gordon moves off to the side, as Detective Bullock goes forward.

Gordon shuts off his flashlight, waiting for a minute, as the space between him and Harvey is at a good distance.

“Jim.” The Batman begins, voice at almost a whisper, “Batman.” Gordon responds, his gun now being placed back in its holster, “What happened here.” The Batman sits on a rail, a few feet off the ground, not even James athletic background could get him up there. The wind pulls gently at the edge of his cape, it flutters in noticeable flaps, his short ears make out the remainder of his cowl — the white eyes peer back down on Gordon. Never looking away, “Those cases you’re on now — I’ve already been working them.” “Of course.” “I tracked the chemical to here, as did you. They call it chemical - x. That man —“ The head of the bat shifts, in a pointing direction, “Was here to get more.” “Why?” “You know why.” “To do more.” “Yes.”

Gordon rubs at his neck, “I don’t know, this is all, well this feels like Riddler — again. This feels like someone is playing games, trying to stir up Gotham.” “Not someone, Jim. Something.” “What?” “The man, his tattoos tell a story. On the back of his neck, look there. His friends will have the same signal — this is something, Jim. Bigger than Riddler.” Gordon looks back to Harvey, who had just gotten the man down, his eyes look back to — nothing. The Bat was gone, leaving nothing but the gust of wind.

The two men walk silently back, guiding the arrested man to the back of the squad car. Gordon opens the back door, almost stuffing the suspect in the back, as he does, he reaches forward, pulling back the hoodie over his head — moving long locks of hair from his neck. What he sees is a symbol, or rather a character — a creature. Shaped like a starfish, with a human eye at its middle, colored purple — the eye red as fire. As violence.

Bigger than Riddler. He thought. Sitting back into the driver seat.

What the hell did that mean?

[divineguidancetarot]

Can I please get a reading on what messages my spirit guides or Angle have to say to me right now. Please make it as specific as possible I’m S

Thank you 🙂

Hello again, I will try my best! If you would like to tip me in return just reach out for my PayPal 🕊

Spirit is highlighting that you are creating some unnecessary stress in your life at the moment. They want you to know that it's time to heal your mind, your thinking patterns and the way you deal with things in your head. It is time to loosen your grip and let it flow as it pleases. There is no need to make things more dramatic than they actually are. All that happens around you is a product of your expectations and thoughts about it. Let it be soft. Inner order is coming for you. As you learn to deal with things differently and let them be as they are you will find clarity and peacefulness. You realise that you have the power - It's all in your own hands. What happens around you mustnt be stressful or painful. It can be soft. You can learn to let go. 🌙 You are the creator of your own world, never forget that. Honor your inner power. 🙏

All possibilities are open for you and you are ready for a new adventure. Take this first step onto the new journey now. It's time to acknowledge that life can be whatever you make of it! What do you want it to be? Plant the seeds you want to see growing in yourself and watch them unfold. 🍀

Lady Portia: "Divine order. Do what you feel is right. An important lesson is unfolding." It's time to get free beloved child of the cosmos! It's time to decide for yourself what you want to create more of in this world. 👁

[ae0nx]

FRUITS BASKET ‘19 EPISODE 23 VS FRUITS BASKET ‘01 EPISODE 19

Ok! We’re finally here! We’re at the beginning of the storm! I’m so nervous... I didn’t know how to do these comparisons especially the storyline in the 2001 version not syncing up completely with the 2019 version. But I’m just gonna try and puzzle piece my way through it, ‘kay? :)

-------------------------------------------------------------

Also, just some notes that I wanna state about the 2001 version so I don’t keep repeating myself for the next 2-3 weeks:

- I love love love the opening. It breaks my heart and heals it every time I hear it and the images of the characters by doorways/windows/alleyways looking outward and always to the side of the frame is a great artistic choice and metaphor. Also, the lyrics are just simply... everything. ‘Let’s stay together always...’

- Some of the colour choices in clothing (or even the hair) that the characters have are... interesting. I definitely find myself appreciating the newer version as you can tell they put more thought into it, even if I do think the power ranger assigned colours are kinda silly. But really? Kyo wearing pastels?! No way. ...But I kinda love it anyway. Outfit Appreciation: 2.5 stars.

- I adore the music box sounding background music. It really adds a lot of whimsy to the show and kinda reminds me that Fruits Basket in a lot of its elements takes inspiration from fairy tales. 

- The English dub voices obviously sound different and in comparison to the 2019 version, you can really tell how much they’ve all matured as VAs. ESPECIALLY Laura Bailey and Jerry Jewell.

- I also adore how ridiculous and mostly comedic the 2001 version is. Which makes the later turn in the anime so much more heartbreaking and tough to watch as it comes as such a shock compared to the tone of the rest of the anime. Unbalanced? Maybe so. But on a shallow kind of level without thinking too hard, I can enjoy it.

- I love 2001!Shigure. Again, it’s a shallow choice and I don’t deny he’s a lot more interesting and fleshed out in the manga/2019!anime. I just like 20-something year old, new-father-to-two-teens-but-he’s-not-like-a-FATHER-he’s-a-’cool-older-brother’ who likes to laze around the house in his kimono and ISN’T MENTALLY TRAUMATISING THEM. Well, without meaning to anyway... AND LOOK HOW CUTE HE IS.

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Right! Let’s get into it! 

This is me knowing the future trauma I’m going to have to go through with this anime.

But in all seriousness, the 2019 version really captured Tohru’s depression a lot better. Especially with the later scene where she breaks down in front of Kyo in the bedroom. A+ crying from Laura Bailey, I really felt it this time. As I said, the 2001 version seemed like it didn’t wanna deep dive too much so I’m glad we get a deeper in look to the complexities of Tohru this time.

It might be a translation ‘nothing’, but I find it interesting that Kyo felt like he jinxed her. Especially linked with his comments to Kagura later about how he feels ‘no one should want to hang around him’. I mean we’ll get into the reasoning for this most likely in the next two episodes but you can probably guess why... Poor kitty.

(Also side note: Do you think that’s why - out of everyone that has been bullied in this anime - Kyo seemed the least affected by school bullies? Is it cos of his experience within the Sohma family and his curse, that he almost expects that everyone he meets would treat him like that? It’s interesting because Hana had the same thought process towards her own bullying but she never fought back... But Kyo did. I might just conclude this thought as it just being in his nature to fight back, but we’ll see...)

Also, 2001 giving us Kyo freaking out in cat form about Tohru’s fever was pretty funny. Man, they really did do an overkill with the transformations back then...

2001 really was not good at showing the gradual progress of Kyo controlling his anger around Tohru as much as the 2019 version. Yes, in the 2019 ep, Kyo was still annoyed that Tohru wouldn’t just relax and concentrate on getting better but my God, Kyo is sooooo shout-y and yell-y in this version! And I don’t wike it lol.

However I shouldn’t shit on the moment too much. I do think 2001 wanted to show us that Kyo saw how receptive Tohru was to Shigure being calmer and nicer and it kind of influenced him to take more of a gentle approach to Tohru later. Kyo being influenced by Shigure is... questionable... but whatever, it’s got good intentions! (I still like the 2019 version better)

Momiji with the oversized work outfit! He’s so adorable I could cry.

- I’m kinda bummed that the 2019 version didn’t include the ‘Kyo stealing leeks from Yuki’s garden’ moment. It’s a hilarious moment (especially with Yuki’s reaction) and it is just PEAK ‘it’s not stealing if you’re taking it from family’ energy that I adoreeee and stand by lol

Really, 2001!Kyo... are you five years old?

‘ 🎵And at most... I’m sleeping all these demons away...’

‘ 🎵But your ghost... the ghost of you it keeps me awake’

Kyo seeing ghosts of Tohru is both unintentionally funny and dramatic in both versions to me, I’m sorry. I’m really just a child.

Where do I start? Kyo being ever so dramatic with the goggles and the face mask... Shigure with the all-knowing troll look. 2001 really gave us some gems and I think we all tend to forget that.

Plus...

I. LOVE. THIS. BROTHER. DYNAMIC. (I know it isn’t accurate don’t ruin the fanfic going on in my head)

- Tohru being depressed that she wasted Yuki’s time and didn’t fulfill her mother’s wishes makes me wish she was more so just concerned about herself and how she’s gonna pass for herself? But it is very much in her character to do so, so I guess I’ll let it slide. And I guess Kyo said what I said in well... his own unique way of giving advice.

- But when it came to the actual soup porridge scene, I lean more towards the 2019 version. There’s so much said in Kyo’s body language and Tohru’s own inner thoughts. She’s really falling in love with him and she doesn’t even know it!!! 

THAT PEEK FROM HIS ELBOW?! COME ON!!! STOP IT. MY HEART. these dumb fuckin kids...

I loveee the 2019 porridge moment so much more, but this moment right here just ELEVATED the whole moment. It says so muchhhh without saying much at alllll and ohhhh this poor boyyyy...!!!!! It really took a fluffy moment and just stabbed me in the heart and I guess I respect you for that? Thanks...?

I’m so glad the 2019 version is feeding us in stupid made up songs. *chef’s kiss* haha

- I’m really glad that Kisa calls Hatori ‘uncle’ in 2019 and not ‘grandpa’ like she did in 2001. Cos as someone in their mid-twenties that shit was straight up offensive lol

The Momiji and Kyo moments are always so heartwarming in this version. My faves. <3

- Also I dunno why but I really liked Hatori, The Doctor Who Smokes in the 2001 anime. It didn’t make sense but quite honestly if anyone in this anime chose to smoke to let off some steam, it should be him. (Not an advocate for smoking)

---- Right! No more 2001 comparisons cos the episode that is equivalent to this part of the episode is also riddled spoilers for the next 2019 episode so... just normal review from here. ---

Why is it that Yuki’s insults against Kyo always hurt so much more?! They are both terrible to each other but for some reason, I always feel it more when Yuki verbally backhands Kyo. Maybe it’s the way Eric Vale practically venomously spits out these words or maybe it’s cos Yuki kinda has more privilege than Kyo so it feels like he’s kicking a literal homeless cat.

- Also, my poor boy! Definitely felt myself sympathising a lot more this time around to how weak he was feeling.

Lol I felt that exasperated breath. At least this time, Kyo doesn’t call Tohru’s umbrella ‘a sissy girly pink umbrella’. A minor improvement? (So, I might of watched a bit of the 2001 version of episode 24...)

...Need I say anything? <3

- HEADLINE: Shigure ships Yuki/Tohru and Kyo/Kagura? What is he up to...

- Kyo shouting at Kagura in the middle of the supermarket was a shitty move but Kagura mooshing his head in response was great... what a terrible but very entertaining couple lol

- Kagura’s ‘If I told you, you’d cry...’ is giving me all the heart pain. How many times can I say that I’m not ready...

I’ve seen people in the tag compare this moment to his porridge moment with Tohru and while I agree, it does seem like Kyo just naturally wanted to help Tohru compared to Kyo feeling obligated to hold hands with Kagura. But errrrm.... I just think Kyo is a good kid haha. And while I do think he CLEARLY holds Tohru in a very treasured and locked away place in his heart, he just doesn’t like it when girls cry around him and will do anything to stop it. I also think he does care about Kagura, and that he’s more so annoyed that Kagura doesn’t seem to get that he won’t love her in the way she loves him (and well... her being a tsundere lol). But I could be wrong! I’m a walking manga amnesiac as always...

*HIGH PITCHED SCREAMING*

Talk about FINALLY. They really named the episode that and made us wait until the LAST SECOND OF THE EPISODE TO GIVE US THE WORDS: ‘You look well...’

What a tease.

And we’re not even gonna get into the preview for the next episode and how three words made me tear up minutes before I had to go to a party on Friday night.

Wow. This might be the longest review so far. I don’t doubt that next week’s will be longer lol. The reason why I wanted to do the 2001 comparisons will probably make more sense next week and I will also say my thoughts on the 2001 version of the events with the umbrella and Kagura and Kyo’s date next week before I go into the review.

Jeez, this took two hours to write. WHY DO I DO THIS?!

[jawnjendes]

girl, you’re trouble | shawn mendes

university au, shawn x goth gf

AN: i dont love the title but whatever i guess!! let me know ur thots, Thots! ALSO theres a bit of Spanish in this (surprise, the goth gf is actually mexican) so get ur fuckin translators out

masterlist | series playlist

I woke up alone in bed, but I wasn’t alone in the apartment. Just outside the bedroom, in the living room, I heard the sounds of Shawn singing and playing guitar. A smile appeared on my tired face. It’s been a while since I heard that pretty voice. It took me a minute to process what exactly he was belting out, but it must have been new. I’ve heard all of his songs, but this one was unfamiliar to me.

“Help me, it’s like the walls are caving in

Sometimes I feel like giving up, but I just can’t

It isn’t in my blood”

With a heavy sigh, I reached for my phone on the nightstand. However, as soon as I extended my arm and tried to stretch, I felt the minor sting of my incisions. I groaned and remained lying where I was, and I waited for Shawn to get all his sad boi feelings out. Good thing I loved hearing him sing.

“Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing

I’m overwhelmed and insecure, give me something

I could take to easy my mind, slowly”

Okay, that was a direct hit to the feelings I tried so hard to keep tied up in a small box in the back of my mind. I felt small and helpless all over again in a matter of seconds. I had to lie on this bed and stare at the ceiling while I waited for my boyfriend to come and help me sit up. I had to depend on someone else to get by, and I never experienced that. I needed help, and I hated it. I hated being so vulnerable. Crazy how his words could drastically change my mood. And I literally just woke up.

Out of sheer spite (to whom, I don’t know), I dug my elbows into the mattress and attempted to pick up my head and shoulders. I felt the strain below my belly button, where the biggest incision was located, but I still tried to sit up on my own. Then, a sharp pain went through where I was cut into, and I groaned through gritted teeth. I dropped my head back and took a deep breath. I can do this.

Shawn’s guitar playing suddenly stopped. “Honey?”

Okay, I can’t do this.

I took another deep breath and tried to erase the frustration from my face as the door to the room opened. Shawn dashed inside and approached me.

“Are you okay? What happened?” he asked, looking up and down at my body like he was expecting me to be bleeding.

“Nothing, I was just trying to sit up,” I replied monotonously.

“Well, why didn’t you call me? I was just right outside the door.” Without even asking, he leaned down to wrap an arm around my back and moved me into a sitting up position. I felt a bit stupid.

I decided to change the subject. “Was that a new song I heard?”

“Yeah, something that hit all of a sudden,” he said. “What’d you think?”

Carefully, I shifted so my legs hung over the edge of the mattress. “I liked it a lot. I was happy to hear you sing again.”

Now I was able to reach for my phone on the nightstand. I had a new text from my mom, saying that she and my dad landed in Toronto. A deep pit formed in my stomach.

“My parents are in the city,” I said, my eyes widening.

Shawn didn’t reciprocate my nerves. “That’s great! Do they need a ride from the airport?”

“No!” I answered too quickly. “Uh… If you pick them up and I’m not there, they’ll be upset that I didn’t personally welcome them here. And if I do go with you, they’ll freak out because I’m not taking better care of myself post-surgery. Just let them get a Lyft.”

“Okay, then…”

For the first time in weeks, I got myself ready. Yeah, I was in the hospital for a week and a half, but exams season was prior to that event. I had been looking raggedy for a while now. My face was a little sunken in from the dramatic weight drop I experienced from my diet, but I didn’t look Dead dead. I brushed my teeth and straightened my hair, and I felt good about it. Plus, I was glad to discover I still had the skill to almost effortlessly draw on inner and outer wings on my eyes. I mean, I had one eye done successfully...

Shawn was watching me in the bathroom, leaning against the doorway with a smile on his face. I pretended to be too busy drawing on my other wing to acknowledge him for about five seconds. The pressure was a bit much.

“Can I help you, my dear?” I asked, finally drawing the outline of my wing.

“You just look so pretty,” he said mindlessly. “And you’re so good at putting on makeup.”

I chuckled. “It’s just eyeliner.”

Then the subject changed. “So… I know I’ve asked, but I still don’t know the answer. What are your parents like?”

I never knew how to answer a question like that without sounding like an ungrateful child. “Um… my mom’s an Aries and my dad is an Aquarius…”

“Babe.”

“My mom’s name is Lucy, and my dad’s name is Ed,” I tried again. “They’ll talk to each other in Spanish if they don’t want people around them to know what they’re saying. A lot of people say I’m a mix of both of them. Uh, they’re swayed by actions and not words. They know you make me happy, so they should be nice.”

“Should?” Shawn repeated. “Uh, okay. Noted. My parents and sister are coming over too. Like, a little bit later. So it’ll be a big happy family time.”

“Fun!”

Oh god. If there was anything in my body, I’d shit myself.

For once, the two of us were dressed in something other than pajamas. I mean, I still had on black sweats, but I had on my black long sleeve with a rose embroidered on the chest. It was nicer than a t-shirt, in my opinion. Plus, it went well with Shawn’s black floral button up and black jeans. His outfit was a bit more colorful, but I was a little giddy that we had an unplanned theme going on.

My parents came over first. I heard the knock on the door and made tense eye contact with my boyfriend. Then, I remembered one last bit to tell him.

“Oh, uh… my father doesn’t appreciate names like Gomez Addams, Alice Cooper, Gene Simmons… y’know what I mean?” I said, snaking my arm around Shawn’s waist so we could walk to the front door.

“Why would I call him that?” he asked, confused.

“It’s just his… aesthetic? Appearance? He’s serious about it, and he doesn’t like people poking fun at it, even if it’s not malicious. Tell that to your family too.”

Shawn nodded, but he still seemed confused. I would have explained more, but another well-timed knock on the door distracted me.

“You can just wait on the couch if you want,” he told me as we strolled through the hallway.

“No, I don’t want you facing them alone.”

It’s cute how he thought I was joking. But I was not leaving him alone as long as my parents were here.

“Oh!” I interjected. “One more thing! Do not mention my birth control or my Prozac. They’ll flip their shit if they find out!”

“Shit, okay…”

When we got to the door, I answered. My mother practically screamed.

“Mija! Mi chiquita!” She hugged me around the shoulders, causing the fuzz from her fluffy pink coat to get in my mouth. For once, she was able to reach my shoulders because she was wearing sparkly, silver wedges.

She leaned back and smiled at me, tears welling up in her dark brown eyes. My mom didn’t exactly look young for her age, but she certainly dressed like it. Under her pink coat, she had a lavender dress on and white tights. Not only that, she had dyed her hair a lighter brown in the time that I had been away from home. It was a surprise, but it suited her.

“Love the hair,” I told her with a smile.

She kissed me on the cheek, leaving behind a pink lip stain. “Thank you, mija. Your hair has gotten really long! And you’ve lost weight!”

There it is.

My father was clad in a black leather jacket, a grey t-shirt and black jeans. He had on a black beanie, which covered his full head of dark hair. Last time I saw him, he was clean shaven, but now he had a decent amount of scruff on his chin. He was as tall as Shawn, but way less muscular. He held out a hand to him, and that was when I noticed his nails were also painted black. Haven’t seen that in a hot minute.

“How ya doing?” he greeted. “I’m Ed, and this is my wife, Lucy.”

Shawn shook his hand and smiled. I could tell he was nervous. “Nice to meet you.” He held his hand out to my mom next, but she pulled him into a hug.

“It’s so wonderful to meet you, honey,” she told him, returning his nervous smile.

“You too.” Shawn was pleasantly surprised by the gesture.

Dad hugged me as tight as Mom did. “Mija. I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you guys,” I told them.

“Ah, it’s about time you do!” Mom said, still smiling.

And comes the first awkward pause of the week.

“Come on in!” Shawn piped up, gesturing for them to go down the hallway. “Living room is down that way. Would you guys like some water?”

“Oh, you sweetheart. Please, if you don’t mind,” Mom told him before following my dad to the living room.

That gave Shawn and I a moment alone as we went into the kitchen. It was a moment to breathe and to process everything. I looked at him, not really sure what to expect. Did he hate them already?

“You didn’t tell me your parents were polar opposites,” he told me quietly as he went to get glasses from the cabinet. “You never told me your dad was a goth.”

“You never asked,” I said, bemused.

“I’ve asked you like ten times!”

We went back to the living room with glasses of water. My mom was quick to stand up and help me sit on the couch.

“Maybe you shouldn’t be walking around so much,” she suggested.

“It’s good for me, trust me,” I replied. I wonder how much mothering I could take before I had it.

“Let me see your scars,” she said, grabbing at my shirt to look at my bandaged incisions. “Are they healing? Do they hurt at all?”

She’s my mom. What could I do? I sent my mildly embarrassed gaze over to Shawn, who was setting the glasses of water down on the coffee table. He only gave me an amused smile.

“Oh, god no!” Dad snapped, turning his head away. He coughed and gagged.

“It’s not that bad,” I told him. “It’s three holes and two lines in my tummy!”

“Nope! I can’t do blood!”

“There’s no blood!”

Mom pulled my shirt back down and sat next to Dad on the other end of the L-shaped couch. “You dress and act so scary but you can’t even look at your daughter’s wounds!”

They began to bicker in Spanish, to which I rolled my eyes at. Shawn sat down next me and we shared a look.

“Just wait,” I told him. “They’ll be done in a second. Then, they’re gonna interrogate you.”

“Great.”

Once my parents got themselves together, they simultaneously turned to us, hands folded in their laps. They moved together like robots sometimes, it was strange. But it worked for them.

“So, mija,” Mom said, “when will you be coming home?”

Oof. An unpleasant thing to talk about.

“Actually…” I trailed off. “I’m gonna be recovering til the middle of August. If I didn’t have these huge cuts under my belly button, I’d be ready to go home next week…”

Mom blinked a few times, like she hadn’t process what I said. Dad, on the other hand… his face fell. Honestly, I wasn’t too happy about this arrangement either.

“When does school start for you?” Dad asked.

“A week after I’m supposed to be recovered,” I replied. “And I have to get my dorm ready, and my professors will start setting assignments that month. Not to mention, I still have a job.”

“So you can go to work, but you can’t come home?” Mom’s warm, loving facade now vanished. Her face went hard and cold, and her eyes were daggers.

“My job isn’t that far from here,” I told her. “And I’m sitting at a desk most of the time. Trust me, I wanna go home too, but the doctor said-”

She cut across me. “The doctor said you stay con tu pinche novio, verdad? No quieres dejar ese chamaco? No quieres ver tu familia porque ya tienes novio!”

My dad gently placed his hands on her shoulders and quietly spoke to calm her down. It wouldn’t do any good, because now I was angry, and I talked back.

“Él no es chamaco! Me está cuidando, y estoy muy agradecido que me deje quedarme aquí! Sin él, hubiera estado sin hogar y varado! Ma, el doctor me dijo que no puedo viajar asi!” I raised my voice, causing Dad to hold up a warning finger.

“Don’t talk to your mother like that!”

“Pues, claro que no quieres viajar! How convenient!” Mom snapped. “Quieres quedarte con ese guey, no me mientas.”

My dad looked at my startled, confused boyfriend. “Listen, Shane-”

“Shawn,” I corrected, folding my arms.

“Sorry. Shawn. I’m sure you’re a nice guy,” Dad continued, “but we don’t know enough about you. We don’t know if this is a safe enough place for our daughter.”

Shawn sat up. “I’ll tell you anything you’d like to know, sir.”

“Nos va a mentir,” my mom spoke, looking at my dad with wide eyes. “Nos dirá que queremos oír.”

Normally, I would have kept at the Spanish, but I was over it now. Especially in front of my English speaking boyfriend. “Just give him a chance, Ma!”

Dad gave me a look like I was crazy. “Mija… she’s not wrong.”

I ignored him and turned to Shawn. “They’ve been here all of ten minutes and they already think you’re a liar. They think you’re forcing me to stay here or something.”

“Hey, we did not say that!” Mom pointed a manicured finger at me.

“It’s gonna lead to that! You’re always going to the worst case scenario!”

“Well, you’re still sick! He could leave or kick you out!”

Shawn spoke up. “Um… with all due respect, I wouldn’t do anything like that. I care so much about your daughter, I wouldn’t even think about leaving her like this, especially since…” He paused and glanced at me once. “I already knew how I felt about your daughter, but her time in the hospital made it even more clear. I love her… so much. All I wanna do is make sure she’s okay and healthy. And I wanna make her happy, too.”

That was all… the sweetest shit ever. But my mother still had a skeptical look on her face. My dad had his eyes narrowed, but he spoke next.

“I can see that. She told us that you slept at the hospital, saw her through to her surgery. Even before that, you stayed despite her health issues. I think that’s a good man.”

My faith was restored and shattered again with every word. “Despite my health issues?” I repeated.

“Ay, mija,” Mom said with a sigh, “you of all people should know how much of a hassle it is to deal with your sickness.”

“Well, Shawn doesn’t see me as someone who’s sick. He never has.”

“It’s really no hassle,” he added. “If anything, she pushes me to eat better.”

“And I only get sick if I eat the wrong thing. Most of the time, I’m fine.”

Mom scoffed. “You were in the hospital. Obviously, you did something wrong!”

Heard those words before… every time I was in the bathroom at my parents’ house. It was my fault. I felt defeated, so I sat back and pinched the bridge of my nose. It was hard to keep my body relaxed when I was so tense and frustrated. Of course, my silence prompted my mom to keep talking… to Shawn.

“As a child, whenever she got mad, she told us she was going to run away to Canada,” she recalled with a chuckle. “And she did! She got a scholarship offer from UCLA, but she chose to run here instead.”

I didn’t run away. I chose the place I actually applied to, and it was Toronto.

“How was I supposed to look after her? What would happen if she got sick?”

I got sick here, and it was handled. I knew how to handle my own burdens. Part of being chronically sick is learning to live with it. Part of it was always being seen as sick to some people. That happened whether you want it to or not.

“Aside from that,” Dad added, “we were also worried about the type of person she might end up with. She’ll pick whoever she picks, obviously. We just don’t wanna see her with someone who’ll influence her the wrong way. I’m sure she’s told you, but she’s had some rough relationships in the past.”

Shawn nodded. “Oh yeah. I know all about Luca.”

“Who’s Luca?”

God fuckign-

Keeping secrets from my parents was not allowed when I lived with them. It was hard trying to find privacy, much less ask for it. If I wanted to keep something for myself, then I was hiding something and that was bad. I couldn’t even keep a journal without worrying that they’ll read it behind my back. They were always able to get stuff out of me anyway… because they’re my parents, and they want to help, and I can only trust them and no one else. They did everything for me, the least I could do was reveal personal information so they knew every little thing that was going on with me.

Don’t even get me started on how offended they would get if I didn’t want to talk about certain things. I wanted time to sit with my depression when it started happening, only for my parents to literally ground me because I kept it from them. My mom was upset because I didn’t tell her about Shawn from the moment I laid eyes on him. So when I told them that I did not want to talk about my past thing with Luca, they weren’t exactly thrilled.

Thankfully, Shawn’s family finally made it over. That meant that my parents had to put on their civil customer service attitudes. Anyway, I finally met Shawn’s dad and sister, Manny and Aaliyah. I was still in a physical state I didn’t want to be in, but this was much better than when I was on morphine and hitting on my boyfriend.

Within minutes, our parents were bragging about their kids. Not in a way where they were trying to one up each other, more like they were proving their kids were good together. My mom let go of some of her skepticism as Karen gushed about her son. Karen also brought up that she was at the hospital with me, which started up that conversation.

“Okay, mija,” Mom said, looking at me. “How bad was this infection? I couldn’t understand the texts you sent me.”

“Before or after the surgery?” I asked.

“Pues, los dos.”

I spent about twenty minutes explaining the infection, the antibiotics, and the trip to the emergency room.

“So what happened? Why did you get that infection?” Dad asked.

“She stopped taking care of herself,” Mom answered for me. “I’m assuming you and your vato go out a lot. ¿Están comiendo pura basura, verdad?”

“No es cierto!” I argued, but I had to remember the other witnesses in the room. “Sometimes, these things just happen. I was really upset to that I spent so much time taking care of myself, only to end up having surgery. But everything went well. The surgery was successful, and I’m okay.”

I could still see fire in my mother’s eyes, but she held her tongue. It was just another argument to be had later. It was a little embarrassing, having Shawn’s family witness the tension and underlying rage. The only person who seemed entertained by it was Aaliyah.

“And after the surgery?” Dad asked, gesturing for me to continue. “You had another infection?”

“Just on the incision,” I replied. “That was take care of with antibiotics.”

“That’s not what your texts said.”

“Huh?”

Now, I remember sending my parents updates on my condition, despite the fact that they were without their phones literally the entire time I was in the hospital. I knew I sent them the text about having a surgical site infection.

Shawn spoke up, his voice soft. “Honey…”

I turned to him, but he was looking at the floor now. His jaw was clenched, like he was holding something back. He was silent long enough for his mom to speak up.

“You did have an infection, yes,” she said, “but that was a few days after… The day after your surgery, you went into shock. They found out you were hemorrhaging, and they took you into the OR again. If they didn’t catch it when they did, you could have died.”

I only stared silently, my mouth half open. My mom gasped and clutched her chest, horrified. Dad was rubbing his hands together, trying to process what was spoken. Aaliyah had her mouth wide open, like the greatest tea was being spilled. Manny and Shawn were both looking down at the floor.

“Holy crap,” Aaliyah whispered, breaking the silence.

“Why did nobody tell me this?” I finally asked.

“The fever and the drugs made you delirious,” Shawn explained, picking his head back up. “They told you, but you probably don’t remember. Sometimes you didn’t even recognize me. And I sent most of the texts to your parents. Figured they would want to know.”

Every word was like a hammer to my chest. Now that I was thinking about it, my hospital memories were fuzzy. If there was something I did remember, it was my boyfriend sitting at my bedside for days. Also, his nightmares made a lot more sense now. It was my fault.

It’s all my fault.

That night, I lied awake. Again. Shawn frequently thrashed and yelled in his sleep. I found myself wondering if I would actually wake up again.

[pkmnsdarkqueen]

Mun talks about her D&D characters for munday

I thought it’d be fun to let ya’ll hear about them. Also I know a ton of them start with L names, I’m sorry and I don’t know how this happened. 

Lokni-Human Blood Hunter (TW: death, demons, sex, child neglect, pregnancy complications) Life goal: To kill Raktos the demon  Campaign: Ravnica

The current favorite of my friends who I’ve played a few games with. Personally I think he has one of the most tragic backstories but I had to give him an intense one cause he has a very dramatic goal. The campaign is set in Ravnica which for those who don’t know is a setting where most things take place in a large city where power is divided by guilds. My child is in the Raktos guild which is the ones who throw parties put on shows, and run the brothels. Thing is they also kinda murder folks alot, live on the idea of viva la anarchy and they do this to keep their guild leader, a massive demon happy so he doesn’t end the world. Now that you’re caught up his story goes as follows. He was born to two parents, things were great, his mom got preggers, she was out with her husband and got dragged into a Raktos show cause they do that, she was injured and basically it became either save her or her unborn child and he insisted on the child. Dad blames the kid for loosing his wife, neglects teh child, Lokni also a child adopts his dad’s mindset being confused and hurt, family friend of mom takes in unwanted child (she is a centaur by the way), Lokni realizes eventually his dad really doesn’t care about him either as dad slips further into insanity about wanting to bring his wife back, Lokni decides to go apologize to bro who instantly forgives to live with centaur mom. Later they are told their dad is dead getting mixed up with the wrong people (however based on hints from the dm I fear he is not dead and also fear when the dm brings him back). His goal as a character is this: He wants to make sure no family ever ends up ripped apart like his so he wants to kill Raktos and put someone else on the throne, not him cause he recognizes he is not emotionally stable enough to run anything. Although originally I was planning on making him more obsessive about his goals and basically become his dad, obsession and hurt drives people to crazy things, but he kinda ended up finding a 16 year old ghost girl in the woods who’s been stuck to possess a knife and basically was like,”well this child clearly has a rough time in life I’m gonna adopt them!” and fatherhood is forcing this man to rethink things cause murdering Raktos=major trouble and he doesn’t want to rip up this new family he’s making so now considering teleporting him away? changing him to be a good person? Yeh it’s getting complicated. OH and he was kind of forced to drink some potion stuff, cause his boss is crazy (she has a ghost choir that she possibly killed everyone there, complete with a kazoo section cause ya boi Lokni on a whim said it needed more kazoos and she listened to him cause he knows music, he plays the spoons and does magic tricks btw as a job, so clearly he knows what he’s talking about) and ye so he is a fox lycanthropy now.

Lapis Lazuil/Laz-Triton, Cleric.  Life goal: Literally be the best monster killer Campaign: Regular D&D 5e

Basically we had a D&D show we were filming at school up until things got too busy with the main show we were producing. This character came before Lokni and we were told,”hey so your characters are monster hunters at this guild but they’ve all kind of been kicked out of their former parties for one reason or another which ya’ll can decide and this is your last chance to stay in the guild.” Me: “cool imma make a triton that hates water, and their a tempest cleric.” Dm: “....why, why are you like this.” Me: “YOU SAID MAKE BAD DECISIONS!” So ye that’s how Laz was made. Her story is that she was adopted by rock genasi. She thinks her parents abandoned her. Truth is they just fell on hard times just before she was born and well couldn’t afford a child so did what they could now trying to find her. So she changed her birth name to be named after a rock like the rest of what she considers her real family. She also has the attitude of the stereotypical highschool cheerleader on disney movies and talks like one too but with a more raspy voice because she is dehydrated, again she hates water because of her hatred for her ‘real family’ and also she genuinely doesn’t like the way it feels,”It’s just liiiike the worst ya know, um like on my skin....yeah so don’t pass out in water or whatever cause like I probs won’t try to heal you....sorry not sorry.” That was literally her first line to the rest of the party. I now use her in one offs and like low key she is alot of fun. 

Luc-Pantoran (I forgot the class and the dm still has our character sheets cause thank you virus) Life goal: Clear their name! Campaign: Starwars 

So first of all funny thing about this one is that usually I have a gender and voice made pretty early into creating a character. With this person....I did not, like literally I got everything else figured out except these two details so I decided,”You know what! You don’t get either of them!” Their story went like this, they have 12 siblings ok, super rural regular family in the inner planets. All of their siblings are wildly successful and they were average. They knew they couldn’t really succeed like everyone else but hey did find themselves enjoying being a nuisance so basically when asked what they wanted to do with their life they would look up at the adult asking and just go,”Crime.” SO that’s exactly what they did. Once they became an adult they ran off, used sleeping with folks to get what and where they wanted, eventually joined a pirate crew, and life was great. They were so good, and kind of had a thing going with the captain that they became first mate. Pretty recently they realized they didn’t relate to either gender and became non binary, they also are still trying to figure out their voice so it would change rather often. Thing is they got framed for stealing from the captain, and hey they’ve done alot of bad but they HAVE NOT broken trust like that, after all they actually cared about the captain, and for once was considering being just with them instead of sleeping around. Nonetheless they are on the run now trying to clear their name. Their theme as a character is,”hey you know that little voice in your head that tells you not to do something, ye they don’t have that. Just a voice that says, do what ya wanna do pal!”

Clarity-Robot, vault dweller (Tw: death mention, human experimentation, dog experimentation) Life goal: Just see the world Campaign: Fall out

I love this character so much she is a baby however her theme is,”depending on perspectives people can come across as wildly different things.” So If you’ve played fall out no she’s not a Mr. Handy or one of the robots that looks incredibly human like. We decided an amalgamation of the two fit her story better and it was available in the unofficial fall out table top we were playing. She looks humanish, a human like form but with clear casing showing her inner workings and a human mask to try to look  more friendly. She’s got on a little yellow dress on too, very vintage, and with the sweetest most innocent sounding voice. She even travels with a Dalmatian who, as a robot could think of only the most appropriate name to describe her grizzled hound, Spot. As for fighting one arm can transform into a flame thrower and the other into a chain saw. Also as a robot she can not go against programming. She also makes comments such as,”I am overjoyed you will not become a plant!” “Oh no don’t pick flowers! I would hate to hurt the plant...” “Are you sure the grass will not mind if I step on it?” If you have played fallout you might know where this is going. Basically there are 2 vaults that are important, both of them are found over grown with plants one containing half human half plant monstrous creatures. Her story is that she was in the vault that laster holds the monstrous creatures. Her programming was to continue the experiment, the experiment to combine humans with plants in an attempt to improve upon humans. She could not tell the humans what she was doing, and she could not stop the experiment until it was complete. There were dogs there under her command to be used as experiments too or keep the plants in line. So the chain saw and flamethrower were to stop unruly plant monsters from attacking her and keep them in line until finally the order came that the experiment was over and she was no longer needed. So she left, secretly horrified by her actions attempting to avoid ever processing what she witnessed fully through her system. She wants to see the world for herself now with her dog friend. Again when people meet her she seems like a sweet angel going so far as to worry about even the feelings of plants, but for anyone who was in that vault they would see her as a very different person.

[lovehaswonangelnumbers]

New Post has been published on https://lovehaswonangelnumbers.org/full-moon-in-ariestaking-us-deeper-within-self/

Full Moon in Aries~Taking Us Deeper Within Self

Full Moon in Aries~Taking Us Deeper Within Self

By A Gift From Gaia

This week begins today on an incredible full moon in Aries whilst gaining energy from a few interesting planets, such as Eris, Pluto and Jupiter highlighting the magnificent transformation we are collectively moving through and giving an almighty flush though our field to assist in our expansion of light.

The planets are our map, our way of making sense of our experience, a way of understanding self until the language of energy has been remembered and can be translated through the symbolic guidance our field provides, and once this is realised we see that the All is moving like the mechanics of the finest and yet intricate clock and yet whilst we have been gazing into the cogs and movement we forgot somewhere that there is a face in which we can read, tell, exactly where we are as a race.

Some may say the planets control All, I say we are All One moving together in a space and time the human can only comprehend as far as the limited mind allows, the visions we see, the spaces we find ourselves in often are untranslatable upon waking, and therefore currently non-shareable as we have no reference to be able to explain, a gift from me to me from the words of a poetic light code I once transmitted “don’t try to figure out what the soul already knows” allows no judgement when these mysterious patterns, shapes and what appears to be tools, equipment or machinery appear in the minds eye, just a simple smile to know all will be understood humanly when required and an inner knowing all is moving as always.

We are now rapidly expanding our fields, and this is becoming evident as we experience huge influxes of light that allow for instant manifestations, whatever is required will appear the moment the choice has been made, that’s the part that confuses many during these energies as those choosing to experience restriction find it very difficult to surf, getting confused by the energy navigation because all they perceive to manifest is repeats or restrictions, which is only ever a reflection of the choice to stay unconscious, the choice to continue with the same program frequencies and a refusal to expand the mind in order to open more gateways to the heart. It is always a choice and these choices will always show where they are standing in their own way and the more light that enters the more obvious it becomes. However when using this light as intended it is opening into opportunities to create super spaces in which we experience fields of unconditional love, the ever flowing never stopping streams of peace keep the fields fertile to continue building upon our new templates we anchor.

This full moon takes us deeper within Self, to make more adjustments, bringing in more self love, some may be focused on their out there world, relationships out there are nothing but a mirror of the relationship with self and whilst some may not realise this and be totally hooked up in the physical drama, that chaos and repeating pattern will begin to become so loud that going within will be the only place to figure it all out on a Divine level, again a choice, some will continue to reflect the dis-ease in this world and that is OK, it must die out and unconscious choices are down to the individual, we are not here to be the saviour, we are here to shine light, to be the example and through doing so we share the most divine codes. By caring about self, by opening the heart as wide as possible, by saying no without defence, judgement and blame and being open to renewal when understanding that a sorry is only ever a changed behaviour then we open into the most wonderful frequencies of compassion which is ultimately the greatest healer, seen as tough love until realised it is simply about respect and responsibility.

There is a key I share called the Sacred Fields that is available in the SOUL-AR Alignment Program space, a key that opens the magic of the field that creates spaces and experiences aligned with the heart frequency, whilst it is a key that takes full commitment to Self to use it is a key that will transform your earth experience into that of our Divine Purpose, creating Heaven on Earth.

The Full moon in Aries seats us firmly in the I am space, how this is experienced is completely dependent on the core frequency we hold but this may highlight attachments to the out there as Aries wants you to come back to self and begin again, Aries wants action, however sometimes Aries is a little too impatient, a little too pushy, and in its lowest octaves never pays attention or reads the fields which could possibly be experienced with some narcissistic type conversation, overly emotional connections, dramatic connections will be like crazy crossfire, ricocheting and pinging off every surface and nothing actually being a direct hit, the emotional moon, opposing the sun in libra ultimately wants us to move into harmonic frequencies, to level out our foundations and to make sure they are solid.

Some will find the mind is incredibly active, loops appear as repeating thoughts, repeating songs, repeating words, confusion heightens until the crack, the decision is made or the belief is released, higher octaves will lead the now clear mind into incredible spaces to expand, reading, finding out information on new pursuits, new hobbies, new reasons and motivators begin to arise…….palmistry is opening up into something I am really injoying learning about.

The Moon square Pluto continues the October theme of transformations, Pluto is a huge player in our evolution and will be continuing this ground level change until 2024 when he moves into the new phase that Aquarius will show. I think its also fair to say here that whilst we are preparing for the Great Conjunction in January what perhaps we should remember is that our personal planets are now getting prepared for their own conjunction with these bad boys, Sun, Mercury, Venus, Mars are heading rapidly towards Jupiter who is rapidly heading into Capricorn to join Saturn and Pluto this means we have HUGE conjunctions waiting in the wings, and lets be honest, the collective have been experiencing the gnarly squares and oppositions, the intensity is only going to rise as they meet and take our race through a major reset.

The Full Moon is also conjunct Eris, I have been looking at my own personal journey this morning with these conjunctions, specifically Oct 2013 and October 2016, funny enough both of these were significant repeat endings of the deep wounding type of a relationship I once had, the pattern is so clear, 2013 experiencing what I would then have called narcissistic relationship, complete breakdown, silent treatment and all the rest, whereas in 2016 the pattern shifts from unempowered not knowing anything to 2016’s ahh I understand it through to todays realisation of completion and heart wide open.

Eris points to discord and can reverberate some of those deepest primal instincts, violence and abuse may well become topical for clearing, rebellion rises as do the emotions but don’t lose sight, this is being seen for the completion, the moon is also in conjunction with the fixed star Baten Kaitos which holds a very similar chaotic energy, heightening the emotions, showing depression for the self avoidance it is and yet guiding all within to the space of solitude to figure it all out, well it talks of isolation but that is just the lower unconscious octave of the heavenly space of solitude, its all rainbows and spectrums really.

Well that’s quite a sucker punch to shift the collective! The energy of this week is set and we can see we are heading deeper within to make more adjustments, make more space for light and expansion and to continue reaping what we sow, which as I said is instantaneous, because wherever we appear to move there is something just above us that says, choose conscious and you will reap a bountiful harvest and this Full Moon has just this, it is trine to Jupiter who is now in his final transits for 2019, he has been our planet of expansion, wanting in every moment for us to see our worth, our value, to appreciate, to share and to love MORE and what makes this Moon so super exciting is whilst you may well be diving into some choppy waters, you will also be diving so deep you will be able to pick up some ancient gems that have been long hidden from view. Cosmic surfers and deep conscious divers prepare for incredible gems to be surfaced, gems that have the ability to literally transform and expand upon the completion of those karmic experiences that brought you to this space, as I said it’s a reap what we sow energy and the fruits are ready to harvest.

In a couple of days we begin moving through the need for nurture, as Lilith and Ceres square off, Ceres being the ultimate Mother and nurturer and Lilith, oh Lilith I love you so and I don’t feel comfortable speaking about her as I have learned through the books and words of others, lets just say she is misunderstood in so many ways and I suggest you learn her story in order to harmonise this out within because there is likely to be some conflict, validating the inner child will be required which many find incredibly hard, especially to those who think themselves into healing the broken feminine connections which is what this transit highlights, the ability to move through the process of healing means at first we must feel once again the pain of that inner child, the let down we felt from the Matriarchal suppression, meaning we must stop suppressing the hate and the screams of the inner child that we held towards our Mothers, instead allowing it all to resurface from the septic wound that never healed, this is the most liberating journey, it is the most purest cleansing that can close those wounds, and though the validation of the child we can then introduce the understandings of the adult you, we can then and only then begin the invalidation of the programs because at the point of meeting with the inner child is the point in which the separation is healed and the trust for self is regained.

For those learning to balance out support, understanding about over supporting and finding the point of equilibrium which enables more to be shared with ease and no effort, this again assists those clearing out the programs of the unhealed healer and when we think we got it all we always realise there is more to be adjusted, the unification and coming together of those in your field is the best gauge, are you surrounded by those in need or are you surrounded by those who share, are you energised when you are with your tribe or are you depleted and needing rest.

By mid-week we have a powerful alignment with the Sun entering the domain of the fixed star Spica, our Babylonian Ancestors knew exactly the potency of this star and the following star, Arcturus in which both are incredibly beneficial stars to those who have aligned, I will come back to write about the incoming energy as we are due to receive some solar winds which will change this course of energy somewhat, from a within transformation to a dynamic reality transformation with the physical materialising as though the hand of God moved through delivering gifts, but again what this highlights is the ability to surf some incredible experiences by simply aligning to Source codes, allowing the movements to take us into areas that require attention in order to see the amazement of the higher frequency timelines that are available.

Another diverse week, the entire spectrum is open once you realised the power of the keys observation and choice, the space is here to expand before next week we begin with the Mars square the Nodes setting the tone for the next phase of our journey.

Sending All so much love!

*****

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[marvelhead17]

Miracle (Original Female Character x Cable Fic)

Chapter 15

Summary: “How did you fix it?” he asked. “Ask Ellen the Teenage Warhead,” Wade shrugged as he stood up, “As for baby Hitler he ended up having a diaper change, funny story I was actually going to call Cable since he was so keen on killing Russel, I thought this would be like taking candy from a baby, if that means replacing it with a bullet that is,”

 Warnings to cover the whole fic: Graphic depictions of violence, use of weapons, mild to strong language, mentions of rape, mentions of pregnancy and miscarriage, referenced torture and psychological abuse/manipulation, nightmares and night terrors, sexual humour, sexual content.

Word Count: 1.9k

They finally reached his room and Hayden lowered Nathan to rest on his bed, he was embarrassed by having to need help to his room, she had left and then returned holding a small bottle in her hands. She popped it open and held a couple of pills in her hand before handing Nathan the glass of water next to his bed and two pills.

“Take these for the pain, they should kick in within an hour, but you should still try to rest. You’ll heal a lot faster when your body is focusing its attention on the injury,”

“Thanks,” he grumbled before swallowing the pills down with the water. She nodded and left the room, closing the door behind her with a soft click.

He moved his head back and closed his eyes slowly, breathing out and concentrating on relaxing, he had no idea how tired he actually was until that moment and sleep took over him instantly.

                                                            * * *

 “I didn’t think your computer would be very accurate but it actually works very well,” Hayden said as she read through the results on the papers.

“We have many impressive things in X Mansion, only problem is computer cannot design suit to your personal preferences, only give materials we need to create it. So I will help in creating design with you,” said Colossus, she raised an eyebrow at him. “I am decent at drawing.” He shrugged.

“He’s being modest, he’s crazy good,” Ellie spoke up and then she took the papers from Hayden and riffled through them, “Colossus you should start working on the design, I’ll search for where we can get the materials.”

The metal man nodded and guided Hayden out the room, following behind her.

                                                          * * *

  Three Hours Later

Nathan opened his eyes and sat up groggily, he’d been asleep for nearly two hours, the pills had done their job and the throbbing pain from earlier had ceased for now.

He swung his legs over the bed to the floor and stood up slowly, he wasn’t fully awake yet but he wanted to see what was happening with the others. He washed his face and quickly dabbed it with a towel before heading downstairs feeling a little more awake.

It took him fifteen minutes to finally find them, he heard Hayden laughing and peaked around the frame to see her sitting next to Colossus who had a sketchpad in front of him and was sketching, he felt a twinge of jealousy pop into his mind as her hand touched Colossus lightly on his broad metallic shoulder and he shook his head ignoring his inner thoughts.

  “Hey, you’re up!” her smile grew as she noticed Nathan standing at the door; he walked in and came nearer to the table they were seated around.

“Yeah, what’s going on?” he looked around at the scattered crumpled papers, pencil shavings and for some reason, crayons.

He was surprised that Colossus had not tidied the mess up until he realised most of the chaos surrounded Wade who had seated himself happily on top of the table like a naughty child, his legs crossed with a sketchpad rested on his lap as he drew in silence.

“We’re designing my suit,” she said with a note of eagerness.

“I’m helping!” Wade said like an excited little boy, Hayden shook her head and mouthed ‘He’s not’ which made Nathan smirk. “See, I’m already done, Colossus is so slow. Take a look, its awesome right?” he asked.

She took the sketchbook Wade had drawn in and looked over the picture, her smile turned to a frown quickly and she threw the sketchbook at Wade, he barely dodged it and it landed open on the drawing he’d done onto the table in front of Colossus.

  “Wade, you’re disgusting. And also what universe are you from where you think you of all people would see me wearing that of all things?” she crossed her arms.

Nathan glanced down and saw a childlike drawing of a sexy female form wearing what looked like the skimpiest lingerie possible.

“You’re a pig Wade,” Nathan scrunched his nose.

“Da,” Colossus agreed after seeing the sketch and covering his eyes.

“Everyone’s a critic,” Wade sighed and grabbed the sketchbook, “I won’t sit here and take this any longer!” he awkwardly stumbled from his position on the table and then stood up dramatically.

“Where are you going?” Hayden asked.

“I’m going to have a meeting with Cinnamon about how rude you all are,” Wade said and Nathan rolled his eyes.

“Translation: You’re off to masturbate.”

“It’s sad that you know me that well,” Wade shook his head, “Oh well, you’re stuck with me, forever.” He whispered the last part.

                                “I’m still waiting for the day where I can convince myself that saving his ass was a good idea,” Nathan sighed.

“That would be an eternity, and then some,” she nodded her head sideways.

“It is ready.” Colossus suddenly spoke; he moved his sketchbook in front of Hayden.

“Wow, Colossus it’s great. Thank you,” she gave him a side hug, Nathan felt his eye twitch involuntarily. “I’m going to show Ellie so that we can get the right colours for the materials,” she bounced off her seat with the sketchbook in hand and bounded out the door.

Nathan’s voice went deeper than usual as he spoke, “Why are you always so nice to her, huh?”

“I’m sorry?” he asked feeling genuinely confused, “I am nice to everyone.”

“Well stop being so nice to her, or we’re going to have a problem,” he warned before leaving the room.

“Bozhe moy. What did I do wrong?” Colossus asked himself.

                                                           * * *

  Back in the Rec Room

“I’m glad we’ve sorted all that out, thanks for this Ellie.” She smiled and the girl simply nodded, “Um, I’m not sure where Colossus disappeared to, but could you thank him for me?”

She nodded, “Sure,”

“HAYDES, we have a situation so drop whatever the fuck you’re doing this is more important-” Wade came running inside, panting heavily.

“What is it now Wade?” she turned to him.

“I fucked up big time,”

“Um, don’t you always?”

“Wow, just rub salt in the wound it’s fine I have regenerative healing, right? But seriously just-” he stopped speaking when he noticed Ellie.

“I’m leaving Douchepool, whatever you broke now is not my problem,” she rolled her eyes and left the room.

Wade looked around the room and pulled Hayden closer to him, “Cable’s going to kill me.”

  “You actually messed around with it when I told you it was a bad idea?” she pinched the bridge of her nose, “God Wade, do you only have two brain cells? I swear if you do, one bounces around idly in there while the other masturbates in a dark corner with a unicorn.”

“Pretty much yeah,” he admitted with a shrug of his shoulders, “I can’t help myself.”

She slapped the back of his head, “You’re an idiot.” He rubbed the back of his head.

“Save my sorry ass? Please?” Wade asked trying to give the biggest sad eyes he could muster.

“Fine, where is it?” she sighed.

“Has anybody seen my gun, Hades, Dickhead?” Nathan asked suddenly appearing from around the corner.

“Shit fuck,” Wade then whispered, “He knows.”

She spoke quietly to him, “Wade, would you relax?” she turned back to Nathan, “Nope, we haven’t seen your gun Cable, you sure you didn’t leave it back in the weaponry when you were cleaning it the other day?” she asked in a convincing innocence.

  “Yeah I guess so, I’ll check again,” he rubbed his head and frowned thinking it over in his head; Wade took the opportunity to run out the door leading to the nearby woods outside.

“SHIT FUCK, SHIT FUCK, SHIT FUCK, SHIT FUCK,”

“What’s the tool’s problem now?” Nathan frowned.

“I think the only two brain cells he had left just killed themselves,” she shook her head, Nathan chuckled.

“I’ll see you around,” he nodded before he left the room.

  She ran out in the direction that Wade had gone to, debris from destroyed trees lay all around the area, in the centre of it all he was crouching on the ground with pieces of Nathan’s gun in panic as he picked up one not knowing how he was going to fix it.

“God, what took you so long?”

“I would have been with you sooner had you not run off like a complete shithead, I had to explain your weirdness because he was asking, I didn’t want him to get suspicious.”

“Okay, fine. Now help me put this fucking shit back together before Cable-”

                         “Before Cable what?” his rough voice came from nearby.

“Fuck me,” Wade said in a shrill voice.

“He just might. And what are you so worried for anyways? You’ve got regenerative healing moron,”

“That just means Cable can fuck me over as many times as he likes,”

“I did tell you not to play with it,” she said in a matter of fact tone.

“What in the actual fuck?” Nathan stopped just a few feet before the scene. “Not only did you lie, but you also broke my gun?” he clenched his jaw, his cyborg eye began to glow.

“Cable, please don’t hurt me,” he choked out.

“Oh I’m way passed hurting you,” he cracked his knuckles on both hands and twisted his head to let his neck click. “I made that gun myself and you played with it like it was some toy? You’re fucking dead.”

  “Haydes? Can I get a little help, please?” Wade nervously gulped and looked over his shoulder; she paid him no attention as she crouched on the ground.

“Reap what you sow bitch,” she commented as she raked through the leaves and put some smaller pieces of the gun together.

“Oh this is going to be very fun,” Nathan pounded his fist into his other hand and a wicked smile spread across his face.

“Spoiler alert: no faces will be pounded on today,” Hayden spoke up and Nathan turned to look at her in confusion. She stood up and handed him his gun fully intact.

“How did you?” he faltered, staring at the gun in his hands.

“Go ahead and fire it, I made it better than it was before it was broken,” she said confidently.

  Nathan lifted the gun and aimed it at Wade, it was set on a lower setting and he fired the blast, it sent Wade flying backwards into a faraway tree.

“Ow, my ass!” Wade yelled and Hayden giggled.

“It’s even better than before, how did you-” he looked at the gun, “How did you manage to ease the recoil so much?”

She shrugged, “It wasn’t that difficult, it’s a fairly basic weapon that you made with what you could get your hands on. So now you can’t pound Wade into the ground, otherwise I’ll come for you myself, I think breaking his ass on that tree is punishment enough.” She nodded to Wade.

Nathan stared at her in awe as she made her way over to Wade and helped him up, he said something to her that made her eyes roll and then she scooped him up bridal style, he nuzzled his face under her chin. She walked passed Nathan and Wade wrapped his arms around her neck.

“Love you sis,”

“Yeah whatever idiot,” she sighed as she carried Wade towards the mansion.

________________________________________________________________

>> Chapter 16 <<

[sarah-bae-maas]

A Court of Hearts and Darkness Chapter Thirty Five - The Finale

It’s been over a century since the epic and bloody war against Hybern, but a new, unprecedented horror lies in wait to threaten everything the Inner Circle holds dear.

At a mere 17, it seems that the only one who can save them is the Heir to the Night Court, Feyre and Rhysand’s daughter Eleana, but as a creature so vile promises to kill everyone she loves, she must combat the urge to succumb to the darkness herself. The key to success lies hidden within her mate, the bastard born Kaden, who is as oblivious to the bond as her Court is oblivious to the war on the horizon.

With the help of her cousin and warrior Felix, the son of the famed Nesta and Cassian, they will try to save everything they hold dear, hopefully before the darkness takes them all.

(This fic was written pre-acowar, so please bear in mind there are some small differences but it can still hopefully be enjoyed!)

Link on Ao3 Masterlist

1  2  3  4  5  6 7 8  9  10 11 12  13  14  15 16  17  18  19  20  21   22   23  24  25  26  27  28  29  30  31  32  33  34

***

-The Final Chapter- 

-Chapter 35-

Kaden was attending a funeral.

He decided to come alone. No one but Azriel knew he was here, and he preferred it to be that way. He was wearing his finest suit, the one he had worn to his cousin Talysa’s wedding. He shed no tears, not like the many mourners around him. Not even as their bodies were lowered onto the pyres, not even as the ceremonious fire consumed their bodies and returned them to the earth from which they came.

It had been a week since the war had ended. In that time, both Felix and Eleana had their birthdays. Felix had once told him of the book he had made for Eleana stashed under his bed, and it gave Kaden an immeasurable joy to watch him give it to her in person.

In that time, High Lord Rhysand had given Kaden something he had never had before - power. The queen was dead, but there were still creatures roaming the land and skies, and Kaden, with his own team of warriors and his acute tracking magic, would hunt and kill them all. It just so happened that Kaden could not think of anyone better for the task than the Elite and handed the job right off to Felix. His brother had laughed, chastising Kaden for his stupidity. Felix couldn’t see, how did Kaden expect him to track those bloody creatures? So the Elite, albeit temporarily, were his.

And in that time, Kaden had gained a parent.

Felix came and found him the day after his battle with the queen. He came bounding into the house with Nesta guiding him, the woman looking windswept and terrified. She kept muttering never again, and Kaden didn’t even want to know how Felix had managed to fly them here without sight. Kaden was in Eleana’s room, they were having a well-deserved cuddle in bed, when Felix burst in, nearly pushed over the dresser, and demanded he winnow them to the Day Court that very instant.

Kaden threw a pillow at his head so hard that it knocked him back a step, but did as he asked, telling Eleana he would be home soon.

He didn’t know why they were going to the Day Court, only that Felix wanted them back at the High Lord’s palace. Kaden, figuring this had something to do with Felix’s research, obliged.

High Lord Helion looked unsurprised at their appearance, and took one look at Felix and said, “You know where to go.”

“Ah, actually I don’t. As you can see, I can’t see.” He grinned from ear to ear after that, and the look on Helion’s face when he’d realised what he’d said was priceless.

A servant showed them the way up to a high turret. It was in Helion’s personal wing but far from anyone else. They knocked on the door, and when Kaden entered he saw himself.

He saw his eyes, his hair, his skin, his height.

When he looked at this woman, he knew who she was. There was no doubt in his mind.

“H-how?” he gasped.

She looked at him like he was a book she was trying to translate.

“You must be her. D-Denora Ana. A woman called Elain once told me your name.”

She smiled but said nothing. She approached the two Illyrian males, stopping when she was eye level with Kaden’s impressive height. Kaden had never met someone taller than he, but she had half an inch on him.

“I knew this boy would bring my baby back to me.” She’d ran her hand through Kaden’s hair. “My only baby boy, I missed you.”

Kaden put his hands on her shoulders, too shocked to do anything else. “I – I missed you too.”

Den reminded him a lot of Morrigan – if Morrigan had been thousands of years older and a famed historian. Den said Kaden was free to call her whatever he wanted, and when he tentatively called her mother, she squealed with glee and declared it his first word. She had walked him around the Day Court, buying him food and peppering him with questions. She also shared some of her own adventures, including how she knew Helion.

“Oh yes! My little little star star. He is my brother’s son. Or, my brother’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son. Lots of sons, and then there is Helion! If he isn’t careful, you could inherit his magic.”

“Pardon?”

“The blood that runs in his veins is the same that runs in yours. You are the nephew of my brother, who was High Lord of Day Court. He is long gone now, but he wasn’t like me, he had many children who had many children of their own. You are my only baby.”

When he returned, Felix was sulking in Den’s chambers. When they entered, Felix sighed dramatically. “I was hoping Helion would have pity sex with me. But nope, still a no-go.”

“Mind your language you scoundrel. You’re in the presence of my mother.”

Kaden had gone back every day since to see her. Usually, they just walked. She’d had such a long, rich life, intertwined closely with the Day and Winter Courts. One day, Morrigan came with her, and when Kaden introduced her as the woman who had been caring for her like a mother in Den’s absence, Den cooed and thanked Morrigan profusely, saying she knew they were friends after all. It was strange, having the two women together. Den made Morrigan look like a child. Even High Lord Rhysand was young in comparison to her. There was no one else in Prythian who matched her age with the exception of Amren. But Kaden wasn’t about to bring the subject of her up.

The day Kaden found out he gained a parent was the day he found out he lost one.

His lips were turning blue from the cold as he watched his father’s corpse honoured by those around him. His eyes were dry while he listened to the prayer songs of the Illyrians as four of his brothers joined his father. Azriel had told him when he’d first returned from the Day Court.

And now he was here.

Kaden touched his magic, the familiar grey veil shadowing the world as he looked to the Other Side.

His father, Leeam, Jakob, Alec and Damion were nowhere to be seen. Either their spirits had moved on, or they were still wandering the bloody plains where they had died.

Mikael, now the Lord of their camp, stood with his wife and children, his face grave. Mikael missed them. They were truly a loving family – but never to Kaden. No, Kaden was nothing but an inconvenient stain they could never remove.

Mikael met his gaze from across the pyres, the only thing separating them snow and flame.

Kaden turned away. The funeral wasn’t over, but Kaden was done.

////

Eleana stared at the assorted tapestries draping across the walls. They were all red with bright, yellow flowers adorning them. They covered what would have been a wall of windows and were stark against the white carpet. The chair she was sitting on was the same yellow as Felix’s house, and it gave her a weird sense of comfort, even if the seat itself was lumpy.

“Lady Eleana, there is no shame in being here. Healing for the mind is just as important as healing for the body,” the older female healer said, sitting in her own chair across the room with a pen and notepad in her hand.

“I don’t feel shame,” Eleana said. “I’m just not sure what to say.”

“Where would you like to start?”

“I’ve talked about what happened before, but only with my mate. He’s the most understanding person I know, and he’s been so supportive through all this.”

The healer smiled. “How did you meet him?”

Kaden wasn’t what Eleana expected to be speaking about while here, but she was glad to talk of a softer topic. “I have a habit of letting my magic guide me when I’m tired. Sometimes, I close my eyes and just walk, and I always end up where I need to be. The Illyrians at my camp had seen it for years, but Kaden was new. He saw me and asked if I was alright. He was the most handsome man I had ever seen.” Eleana laughed slightly. “If we hadn’t been interrupted by my cousin I know we would have done devilish things together that night. I knew that day. It was like being hit with a battering ram.”

“And he knew also?”

“No, actually. He’s known for only a few weeks.”

“How did that make you feel?”

Eleana went into the long story of her and Kaden’s relationship – the incredible highs, and the times where it felt like it would never happen at all. She spoke of the first time they’d danced together, the matching crowns the suriel had given them, the day she was taken by the Colloden and how he had saved her. It was a tale to rival the ones she read in her trashy erotica novels, but she loved it anyway and wouldn’t change a thing. Her story ended with her feelings on sex, and how even though she was as attracted to him as ever, her body just wanted to be by itself for a little while.

“That’s completely normal, Lady Eleana,” the healer said. “From the brief details you have provided me on the events of this month, you have gone through a serious trauma.” The healer went on to explain some more, even going as so far as to give her a book on assault recovery, and then asked about Felix. “Why don’t we take this piece by piece? Ease into it, if you will.”

So, Eleana talked of her cousin next, and by the time she was done telling that story her appointment was over. She would be back at least once a week though, more if things got to be too much for her

She left the room and walked down a hallway. In the foyer, both her parents were waiting. She greeted them with a tired smile, she was always tired these days, and her father put his arm around her shoulder as they walked. Her mother handed her chocolate, which Eleana thankfully took.

“How are you?” Her mother asked.

“I’m doing okay.”

/////

Kaden felt like he was Felix’s official escort. Wherever he went, Felix was never far behind. A month after the war, Kaden was still visiting his mother every day. It was usually at night, his days filled with tactics planning with the Elite and assorted High Lords who were assembling their own teams. Kaden got up early, ate with Eleana, went to work, went to the Day Court, then returned to his love. It was still surreal to him, that she was there when he got back, and he wished he could take her to the Day Court.

But that was unlikely to happen anytime soon.

Eleana had not even attempted to leave the Night Court yet when banishment orders started coming in. The Winter Court was the first, written officially. Some were just simple letters, Like Glaslane’s, that said not to come for the time being. Receiving that one had hurt Eleana the most. And angered Felix the most. The Illyrian demanded that Kaden take him there. He did, and then witnessed the screaming match of the century.

Even Lucien had succumbed to the pressure. At first, he wasn’t going to, even if the other High Lord’s made a pact that they would, but Eleana told him to just do it. It’s not like she went there often anyway, and this way at least he could feel better.

High Lord Rhysand was increasingly furious with every order sent. He went to every Court, but they all said the same thing. Their people are scared, and until they’re not, Eleana can’t come.

Kaden felt like he should raise the topic with Helion, but the two barely knew each other, even if it had been revealed that they were technically related.

When Kaden and Felix came to the palace, they were surprised to see Helion and Den waiting for them. Both had heavy fur coats on, and a smile was plastered on Den’s face.

“My cloud!” She greeted them both with kisses to the cheeks. “Helion, this is my son and his mate, Felix.”

“No, mother, Eleana is my mate. Felix is her cousin.”

She looked at them dubiously. “Are you sure?”

Felix was snickering silently beside him, and Kaden elbowed him. Hard.“Very sure. Shall we walk?”

“Yes, and as we walk I would like you to tell me where your mate is. Why does she never come?”

Kaden avoided looking at Helion, but Felix, gutsy as ever, grabbed his elbow as they started to walk.

“Please, Kaden, do explain why Eleana never comes with us,” he drawled.

Helion was clearly uncomfortable with the line of questioning and forewent answering. Instead, he said, “We have started altering the official family trees. Soon, Kaden will be added to them all. We also made an official decree of his heritage and declared his citizenship as you asked, Denora.”

Kaden stumbled slightly. “You announced what about me?”

“Denora asked that we tell the other Courts who you were. It was quite confusing for them, they only knew you as the male from the Night Court that saved the mortal realm. I’m not sure they even know of your relationship to Lady Eleana.”

Kaden looked away and just kept walking forward. The roads were slick with melted snow. His mother walked through it like an expert. It was hard for him to remember that although they looked nearly the same age, she had thousands of years on him. She often referred to him as an infant, and he guessed in a way he was.

It was still very, very strange though. He loved the woman before him, could cry every time he thought of the sacrifices she made to have him, and yet…

Did it make him evil that he felt Lady Morrigan was more his mother?

Maybe he was just crazy. He barely knew either one of them. And Den clearly loved him very much. He should be more grateful.

“I’m happy you’re here,” he felt the need to tell her.

“I’m happy you’re here too,” she replied.

As they walked, Kaden noted something he had the past few times but never thought to bring up. He pointed to Helion’s palace in the distance. It looked to have holes in it, so you could see straight through to the other side and watch the grey clouds. They were giant mirrors, but once inside they acted as windows.

He turned to his mother and asked what the glass was.

“Oh, it’s very special,” she told him. “Outrageously expensive, but there is nothing more beautiful. I have seen homes built entirely of the stuff, and it’s like looking at a piece of the sky on land.”

Her words sparked a vision.

A house. Near the ocean, a few storeys tall and sprawling. A large garden with multiple courtyards. A greenhouse. A treehouse. Green grass everyone until you hit the golden sand of the beach. A house made of a glass that you can’t see in. A house, that if lived in, would let you feel like you’re outside all the time.

Never trapped, the way Eleana sometimes felt.

Kaden was going to build his mate a home.

/////

“So, I was thinking.” Kaden skirted up behind Eleana at the grocers, kissing her neck and wrapping his arms around her middle.

“Hm, what were you thinking?” The smile she gave him made his knees shake.

“Me. You. Dinner on the Sidra. No Felix, no parents, just us and an unreasonable amount of food.”

She picked up a bag of apples and added it to her basket. Today, when they had woken up in Kaden’s bed, they decided they were going to pretend that they were normal. Not an heir or a bastard, no wars, just a couple who needed to do normal, fae things.  

“That sounds nice. Are we celebrating anything?”

They walked as one unit, making Eleana laugh and passersbys look at them with weird expressions.

“It’s been a month. Since the war ended. And nearly a week since you’ve had a nightmare.”

It was truly something to celebrate. The High Lord had informed him that they had been some of the worst he had seen. There were constant wards on the house to protect its infrastructure, and usually either Rhysand or Feyre stayed awake during the night, even if Kaden was also with her. Kaden was under no illusion that he didn’t need the help. After seeing them in real time, Kaden finally understood why Eleana wasn’t allowed to sleep without her parents or aunts and uncles around. He was slowly learning how to help her, but he also needed her parents guidance.

The healer she had been speaking to this past month seemed to be helping though. Eleana wasn’t as… empty. Hesitant. She now let him kiss her, put his arms around her, and she was making delightfully steady progress.

She went twice a week, and Kaden used that time to speak to estate agents and architects. No one knew, not even Felix, but he would bring his friend along when it came time to tour land. Felix’s sight may not be healed quite yet, and it really made Kaden work hard in describing things, but they were getting there. Either way, Felix would be good support, and he knew Eleana better than anybody.

Eleana looked thoughtful, and not about the peaches that she was holding at eye level.

“Should we hire a babysitter for Felix? Whatever will he do without us.”

Kaden’s laugh was obnoxiously loud, and he had to smother himself in Eleana’s shoulder to quieten down.

“Maybe he’ll go to the Day Court without me. He’s awfully enamoured by Helion, barely leaves my side if it means I’ll soon be in the Day Court.”

Eleana twisted in his arms to face him. “Maybe he’s attracted to Denora. Have you considered that?”

Kaden’s face went slack. “Surely he would never.”

Eleana shrugged.

Kaden winnowed away, only to return a minute later after having his head smacked by Felix for suggesting such a ludicrous thing.

Eleana only laughed at the look on his face.

_____

Kaden wasn’t kidding about the unreasonable amount of food.

They’d had five courses so far with another three on the way, and Eleana was so full she was thought her stomach might actually burst. It had gotten to the stage where it was making unhealthy noises, but she had no intentions of stopping now.

Kaden was telling her another story he’d learnt from Den, this one about the incredibly complicated family history he shared with the Winter and Day Court.

“All I’m saying is that Helion needs to hurry about and have children because apparently there’s a very real chance that if he dies, I’ll get his magic. And that’s a no from me.” He lifted a bowl of soup to his mouth and drank heavily.

“You don’t want to be High Lord?”

He shook his head. “I have zero qualifications for a position in anything. Hell, I’ve lived every moment until the last two months in a tent. I’m not cut out for being a High Lord, and nobody wants me to be one.”

He said it jokingly, but Eleana took his words very seriously.

“I want you to be High Lord,” she deadpanned.

Kaden sputtered slightly. “Pardon?”

“This isn’t something I like thinking about, but when the time comes and I’m High Lady? I would want you to be my High Lord.”

Kaden nearly said there was a chance that she wouldn’t become High Lady, but he tasted the lies on his tongue before he even said it. Even if Rhysand and Feyre had more children, there was no chance a sibling would inherit the title. Eleana was a textbook example on the signs of becoming a High Lord. Granted, a woman had never inherited the magic, but Eleana was different. She always had been, and she would definitely be the first inherently High Lady.

Kaden had never considered the possibility that she wanted more for him.

“I – there is nothing about me that would make me a good High Lord. My bloodline-”

“Is irrelevant. My mother was human. Besides, were you not just telling me about your new, fancy family? The son of a Lord in the Night Court and the cousin to the current High Lord of the Day Court.”

“Well… you got me there.”

She grinned at him.

They ate for a few more hours, the conversation flowing better than it had in weeks. It was simple, easy, and there were no pressing issues they had to deal with nor cataclysmic event to take up their time. It was like the two months between the beginning of their official relationship starting and when they were, mortifyingly, caught by Feyre.

It was also their first date in a while, and as Eleana looked at him, she felt her stomach flutter. She never stopped loving him, not for a single moment. If anything, it had grown while she was away.

The thing was, Eleana felt like she had a hundred years on him. She had a century of loving and missing him, and not being able to do a damn thing about it. She knew that no one really understood what she meant when she said it felt like so much longer than a fortnight, but Mother,the feelings she had for this male in front of her…

She’d had a hundred years of loving someone she was convinced she would never see again.

And it was so much sometimes that she couldn’t bare it.

She woke up next to him and often didn’t know if it was real or not. It wasn’t until he spoke to her that she knew that she was hereagain.

His hair shimmered from the white fae lights scattered around the restaurant. His cheeks were pink from the cold air slinking in from the window next to them, and his lips plump from the food they had been consuming for the last two hours.

She stood up on the tips of her toes, bracing her hands on the mahogany table as she leant over. She kissed his pink lips once, and upon seeing the delighted surprise in his eyes, kissed him again. Deeper, smoother, more than she had since the Bloodrite. Inappropriately, given they were in a public space.

He didn’t seem to care though, not as his hands gently cupped her cheeks, his thumbs smoothing over her cheekbones.

Her heart raced at the action, at the taste of wine on his tongue and the feeling of his nose bumping hers. She could feel his kiss in every inch of her skin – and she knew she was alive.

When they parted, her face was hot and chest heaving. She sat back down, dizzy. She lifted the glass of wine to her face to hide her wide smile.

They ate for another hour. The time was filled with laughter and happiness, and both left brighter than when they had come in. It was snowing like there was no tomorrow, and they huddled together as they went to Eleana’s favourite book store. Neither was ready to go home yet, and there were a few titles Eleana wanted to check out.

It was much warmer in the store, and the attendant took their coats and hung them, leaving Kaden and Eleana to browse. Eleana showed him her favourite books, and Kaden even picked up a few sequels to ones she had already read. He also found a large book full of compositions for the piano, ones he had neither heard nor seen, so he added that to the pile he wished to purchase.

While browsing more sheet music, Eleana put her hand in his back pocket.

“Would it be wilding inappropriate to make out right now?” she asked.

Kaden rested his stack of books on a shelf, taking care that none of them would fall, before turning to her.

“Probably.”

He kissed her.

/////

Kaden felt like a very dutiful husband. Here he was, cooking and cleaning the house he never had a chance to move into while Felix sat on the couch with some juice and scones.

“I’m feeling delicate today,” Felix said.

“No you don’t, you just want me to leave so you can get up to your old, scandalous ways. Well sorry Sunshine, you asked me to move in and now I’m here.”

Felix snorted.

Kaden lifted Felix’s feet so he could wipe the table they were propped on. “This house has more dust than a library.”

“We haven’t been here in two months, what did you expect?” He slurped his drink.

“I don’t know. I expected it to be self-cleaning or something.”

“Are there houses that can do that?”

“Fucked if I know, I’ve never really had one. Move your ass, I need to fluff the pillows.”

“Yes, your majesty, whatever you please.”

Felix stood and scooted away until he felt the bench. He leaned on it, yawning loudly.

He still had black patches covering both his eyes, but the healing was going well. His injuries were far more extensive than originally thought though, hence the long, agonising healing sessions. Unbeknownst to them, not only had the light from Kaden’s magic seared his vision, but so had the magic itself. If it had just been the light, Felix would have been better by now. Because it was more? Felix would likely need lenses the rest of his life. Kaden had already found some rather dapper ones he thought his friend might like, and even went as far as to have a woman High Lord Lucien knew rig them so they were even better than the best of glass. He’d had to use his mother’s name for that favour – apparently, most Courts valued her knowledge greatly. Being her son not only got him better glasses for Felix, but it had also given him an invitation to dine at the other Courts.

All of them. Officially. As if he were a noble.

Kaden declined on the basis that he only travelled with his mate. They said she was welcome, until he told them who she was. They shut up pretty quickly after that.

“Why can’t we just meet this guy at Velaris?” Felix perked his brow. “Unless this is a sex thing. Are you surprising me with an orgy? I have strict rules, but it’s been so long-”

“You are insufferable and I don’t know why we’re friends.” Kaden made the pillows look especially dainty for this meeting, wanting to make a good impression.

The person coming over was a fae who sold land on others’ behalf. He was coming to start proposing estates to Kaden.

“Because if Eleana saw me with a stranger, she would ask questions I’m not prepared to answer.”

“She wouldn’t be mad that you have plans with someone other than her.”

“I don’t want to lie to her. Omission doesn’t seem as bad as that.”

“I can’t fault your logic on that,” Felix said as there was a hard knock on the door.

Kaden grabbed Felix and sat him down before opening to greet the agent.

He was a portly man, nearly two feet shorter than Kaden. His hair was mousey and skin pale. His eyes were beady, and he was wearing a suit.

Kaden was wearing his leathers, as was Felix.

“Hello, Lord Kaden. I assume I am at the right house. You were not exaggerating its… colourful features.”

“Yes, yes, please come in. And please, just Kaden is fine.”

“Does Eleana call you Lord Kaden in bed? I would.”

“Holy hell Felix shut up,” Kaden hissed.

The agent looked up his nose at him, and Kaden smiled apologetically. “Please, take a seat. Can I offer you any refreshments?”

“A water would be appreciated, sir,” he drawled. “May I set up on the table?”

“Yes, please, that would be great, thank you.”

“Can I know yet what these plans are?” Felix asked, his knee bouncing impatiently.

“Any client information is confidential unless otherwise stated,” the agent answered.

“You can tell him anything,” Kaden said.

The male started to lay maps out on the table. There were areas marked with blue circles, and he placed small, painted cards next to each highlighted location. The cards had little paintings on them – samples of what the properties looked like. The agent started explaining the process of buying and asked many questions to help narrow down Kaden’s search.

He asked how far he wanted to be from the city, the acreage, whether he wanted a pre-existing home and so on, and with every question Felix looked more confused.

“Kaden, what are you up to?”

“I’m going to build Eleana a home, and you’re going to help me.”

“What?” He had a bare hint of a smile.

“I’m going to build us a home, then I’m going to surprise her with it.”

“Awh, Kaden, congratulations.” Felix stood and opened his arms. Kaden gave him a tight hug, patting him on the back.

Felix leaned over the table and took in the map. “Wow, that one looks really beautiful.”

“Which one is that?” Kaden said, looking down to see what he saw.

“That black one there. Looks mint to me.”

“The day you run out of blind jokes is the day I’ll be truly happy again.”

“Not the day I get my sight back? Tsk, how rude.”

Kaden groaned, and apologized to the agent again.

Off the bat he was able to cull half the properties. Nothing inland, it had to be on the coast, and there couldn’t be any existing structures. You had to be able to see Velaris, even if it was from a distance, and there had to be enough room for a very large house as well as multiple, expansive gardens.

By the end, there was a list of about six properties. All met Kaden’s specifications and were in his budget – thanks to High Lord Rhysand’s very generous pay checks – and the few drawings of them seemed nice enough. He thanked the agent profusely before setting dates to tour them all. He made sure Felix was available and made them on days where he would usually be visiting his mother so Eleana wasn’t suspicious to his whereabouts.

It was slowly but surely coming together.

/////

Eleana was alone when she woke up. She propped herself up on her elbow, Kaden’s piano and dresser blurry as her eyes adjusted to the waking world. The spot beside her was cold and she couldn’t hear noises from his bathroom. She starfished on the bed. She groaned, not wanting to get up yet, but forced herself to roll out of his very, very comfortable bed.

Wiping at her eyes, she went to look for him downstairs. Mor and Azriel were usually out by this time, so she didn’t have to worry about awkwardly running into either of them.  The one thing she adored about their house was the carpet. It was lush and fluffy, making her feet feel like they were walking on a cloud and safe from the cold that covered her arms in goosebumps. When she went into the hall, she smelt freshly baked she-didn’t-even-know-what. She burst into the dining room expecting to see her mate, to be met with the welcoming calls of her family.

Every single one of them.

She stared at them wide eyed while thanking the Mother that she’d had the good sense to put pants on.

“Hello.” Kaden exited from the kitchen. He had ovenmits on and an apron the was adorably too small. He held a large plate of staked pancakes and popped them on the table before greeting her with a kiss to the forehead.

“Hello. What’s going on?” It’s not that Eleana wasn’t happy to spend her morning with her family, she was just awfully suspicious every time they came around unannounced. It usually didn’t end in good news.

“Today’s a good day,” Kaden told her. He put a hand on her back, guiding her to a free seat next to Felix.

She peered out the window. There was a raging blizzard outside, making it seem like it was still dark even if the sun had risen. Felix was still blind, she still couldn’t be properly intimate with Kaden, her mother and father were still walking on eggshells around her – supportive, loving eggshells, but eggshells all the same – and she was still not talking to Azriel.

It was like every other day, and she couldn’t think of why it would be exceptional.

“Why?”

He beamed at her. “Today is the one-year anniversary of one of the best days of my life.”

She cocked her head. Her family had conveniently started a loud conversation and weren’t looking their way.

“Today, my dark rose, is the day I met you.”

Her confused frown slowly grew to a smile. “Really?”

“Really. I made a note of it last year. I had a feeling it would be important.”

She placed her finger tips to her lips in disbelief. “A whole year?”

“A whole year. And personally, I feel like it’s an occasion all of Prythian should be celebrating, but just our family will do. For now.”

Eleana was in awe as they sat down and started helping themselves to the mountain of food Kaden had made with Felix’s guidance.

A whole damn year since he’d found her.

That meant a year since she’d their near-first kiss, the first time they danced together, when Felix nearly died, when she had, and lost her wings in the process. When Kaden had sent her all those letters that kept her sane during one of the most harrowing times of her life. A year ago today she met the love of her life, her mate, her everything. It was indeed a good day.

Until she had a thought.

“But wait,” she said loud enough for the whole table to glance her way. She had even gotten Thea’s attention.

She turned her body towards Kaden’s. “You were twenty a year ago. And by all accounts you are still twenty. Holy Mother Kaden we didn’t celebrate your birthday.”

Mor dropped her cutlery and gasped. Felix swore under his breath. Everyone was so mortified when they realised that when Quathryn copied her brother’s foul words no one chastised her.

Kaden just laughed.

_____

“We have to do something to make it up to him.” Eleana was furiously washing the dishes. After much shock, Kaden had explained that his birthday was a non-event to him, hence why he never mentioned turning twenty-one.

But Eleana felt dastardly. Especially when he had been so kind to her on her birthday. He had given her a note book – this beautiful, embossed leather – and every day before she woke up he would write her a note. The letters he had once written for her were already stuck into it, and he told her for every day that he lived her would write for her. Sometimes it was anecdotes, music he would later play for her, reminders of his love, and she had gotten him nothing.

“I feel like an arse,” Felix said, taking the dripping plate from her and drying it.

“You’re not the one sleeping with him.”

“Neither are you.”

She smacked him over the head. “Mind your own business.”

Soon, soon she would feel better. Surely.

And then they would have that night.

The ‘we survived the impossible and now will have the best sex of our lives’ night.

A male cleared their voice from behind them, and Eleana and Felix both blushed when they saw Azriel leaning against the bench with his arms crossed.

He pointed to the cloth Felix was holding. “Mind if I take over?”

Azriel approached Felix, clapping him on the shoulder. Felix nodded, handing over the towel and leaving without a word. They may be on fine terms again, but Eleana wasn’t.

They worked in silence, Eleana much looser on her definition of clean now that she was in a rush. It’s not that she didn’t love her uncle still, she was just still confused and hurt. And awkward.

“I’m sorry, Laya,” he finally said.

She didn’t reply.

“You were right, I do owe you an explanation. It’s one I’ve given Kaden a thousand times to earn the forgiveness he gives too easily, and that should have been something I extended to you. Especially after you trusted me with so much.”

So he talked. He tried to make her understand his actions. It wasn’t easy for her to comprehend, but what she did know was that he had always looked after her, been a trusted confidant, and him leaving Kaden when he was a child did not mean that one day he would leave the rest of them.

Even if she could not understand him, she could sympathise with his point of view.

They talked long after the dishes were done. They were never interrupted, even though they could hear the chatter of everyone as they remained in the house to wait out the snow.

And by the end, she said, “Okay.”

His eyes glistened, and his hands reached for hers. “I missed you, Laya. I’m so glad you’re home.”

/////

The room wasn’t pitch black this time. Usually, they met with the healer in the darkest room so she could control the light, limiting the pressure on Felix’s eyes as she tried to heal them. If the smell was anything to go by, the room was once a storage room.

But today, they were in your average room. White walls. Rectangular windows. Brown timber floors.

Kaden had never been so happy to be average.

The healer eased the patches from Felix’s eyes, her expert hands completely steady.

Felix blinked and squinted at the light, and Eleana had to hold his hands so they didn’t reflexively cover his face.

The healer made him open them wider, and little tendrils of magic left her fingers and probed at the injury. She hummed as she worked. Usually, the room would be filled with Felix’s screams, but they had been told in their last session that there was no more she could do. From here on in, it would be about check-ups and maintenance as they waited to see if Felix’s eyes would heal more on their own.

“You’re doing well,” she said.

“What progress has been made?” Amren asked.

The older female didn’t usually come to the appointments. But over the passing months, Kaden had noticed her popping up wherever he was. She would be at Azriel’s for dinner, would come hunting with him and the Elite to ‘observe,’ she even once crashed a date with Eleana. His mate didn’t mind – she had no idea what Amren thought of him, but Kaden was getting increasingly frustrated. He had nothing to hide – except he did. At least once a week he told everyone he was going to the Day Court when in reality he was galivanting the Night Court looking for the perfect property. She was looking to catch him lying, and this was his only one. He knew that she would use it to his detriment.  

The healer looked grim at Amren’s question. “There is no change.”

Kaden shook his head. Eleana reached out her hand, and he came to her side and Felix’s back. She rested her head on his shoulder, and he used one hand to grip Felix’s sleeve and the other to wrap around her waist.

“Is this it then?” Felix wasn’t as forlorn as the rest of them by the news, in fact, he was smirking.

“We’ll try one more time. If there’s nothing to note again I’ll call it.”

Felix squinted at her, then turned his head to look at Kaden and Eleana. “This is good news!” he rejoiced. “I can still see, I’ll just need some help. This is a much better outcome than we all originally thought there would be.”

His words rang true, but Kaden still felt guilt surge through him. He had near blinded his brother, and he was too damn nice to admit it.

“I’m sorry.” Kaden’s voice was so thick with emotion that the words were barely more than a whisper.

“I don’t know what for, but I forgive you. Whatever wrong you think you’ve ever done to me, I forgive you.”

The healer reapplied his eye patches and left them. Eleana thanked her profusely for her work before helping Felix to his feet. Kaden put his arm around Felix, walking with him and Eleana out of the office and in the direction of the Rainbow.

The cold air had started to shift in spring, and puddles littered walkways. Children were about, splashing each other and squealing with delight. Eleana used the water to make little animals, and the children howled with laughter as the water-animals raced after them as they ran around. They saw her, and one little girl – so trusting were the fae in this safe city – pulled on Eleana’s skirts and asked for more more more.

Eleana obliged, and they stopped on their way to dinner to give the children a little magic show.

Eleana made a star chart with the water. Kaden, having worked on his magic everyday while hunting the creatures, had started to master the more unusual aspects of his magic. With the golden light that he could now manipulate for anyone to see, he lit Eleana’s stars, making them glow in the evening light, to the awe of not just the children but also many fae nearby.

Felix quite enjoyed himself, even if he couldn’t see the spectacle.

After an hour or so, and much to the dismay of the children, they continued on. They intended to get a few drinks to celebrate the slow return of Felix’s vision, but Eleana detoured to the bookstore with Felix. Kaden continued on, saying he would find a place for them all and summon her when he did.

Amren was on him like a shadow.

He didn’t say a word to her, just did as he said he would. She would speak her mind eventually.

“Who is that fae,” she demanded while Kaden was browsing menus.

“You’ll have to be more specific than that,” he said merrily, so that he might unnerve her just a bit.

“That short man that looks like an undertaker.”

The agent he was using to look at land. He wondered when Amren had seen them together and didn’t want to think of how she must have followed him either to camp or to his appointments. If her confusion was anything to go by, she must have seen them together in Illyria.

“I know many short males.”

She sunk her fingers into the back of his neck like claws, a few fae turning in worry at the sound of his pained grunt. Amren dragged him away, some fae standing but looking at a loss as they recognized Amren.

He refrained from growling as she shoved him into a wall in an alley. As she released her grip on him and stood in a fighting position in front of him, he touched the back of his neck. Blood coated his fingers and he swore. He would heal quickly, but he could feel it seeping into his collar and down his back.

“What the fu-”

“You need to leave.”

“Excuse me?”

“Have you not damaged her enough? I don’t know what vendetta you have against this family but I will kill you if you hurt her again. But Eleana is too risky with Rhys and Feyre here. So, who’s next? Will you murder Felix again? Mor? Maybe your confidence has been shaken and you’ll go after defenceless Thea.”

Kaden spat at her feet, the most ungentlemanly thing he had ever done. “I have done no wrong.”

“Even you admitted that you blinded Felix. And Mother knows you’ve made little to no progress on the creatures. You haven’t even given Rhys your estimate report on how many you think are left. Deflecting?”

He snarled at her but didn’t move. “I’m not even going to bother replying to you. You think I did something wrong? Go tell High Lord Rhysand and High Lady Feyre. And fuck it, you have strong ties with the Summer Court go tell High Lord Tarquin too. I know who I am, and so do they. I find it insulting that you think Eleana would be gullible enough to fall for the schemes of a lowly male.”

Amren bared her teeth at him but stepped back. He’d heard the stories about her, but she hadn’t been swinging fists the way she used to for decades.

He hated speaking to her with such disrespect, but her words just made him boil in anger. It made him wonder at what point he’d become so soft – he’d heard much worse from his late brothers.

Somehow, his integrity was the one thing this peculiar fae-Illyrian family never questioned about him, and the thought that that may have been compromised was infuriating.

“She fell for the schemes of a lowly queen.”

Red.

He saw red at her words, and if it hadn’t been for the look of regret on her face as she spat the words at him he may have made a grave mistake. Because he was a good man, but he was a good man freshly mated and people had died for doing less.

“How. dare. you. You will never say such hateful things again. I don’t care how much you spite me, but she.” Kaden cut off his own words, putting a fist to his mouth.

He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. His heart was pounding in his chest, and his stomach clenched at her words. It was the kind of sick you felt when you were so enraged by someone’s idiocy that you could spit fire at them.  

“If you’re so concerned about me, report me. Officially. Have an objective third party investigate me under General Cassian’s orders.”

He stalked off, shoving past her. The same concerned fae were lingering, and he gave them a reassuring smile.

Appetite and mood ruined, he flapped into the air, heading in the direction of Illyria, sending a quick message to Felix not to expect to see him for another day or two.

He was going hunting.

/////

Kaden and Eleana had been floating between her childhood home and Azriel and Mor’s. They always slept together, her back usually pushed to his warm chest with his arms around her. She said she liked the feeling of knowing he was everywhere, and by morning she had usually spun to press her face into the crook of his neck.

Kaden let her decide where to sleep. Wherever she was and wherever she felt most comfortable was where he would be. Even if it meant stumbling home covered in black blood and near collapsing in the shower from exhaustion.

Tonight, he slept like the dead. No dreams, no feeling, he couldn’t even remember his head hitting the pillow.

The only thing he knew was that he had been struck awake – physically struck.

He awoke gasping, his arm aching and his throat constricted. It felt tight, and he looked down in a panic to see that Eleana’s darkness was wrapped around his whole body. He couldn’t breathe, all he could do was reach out his pained arm and shake her.

She was limp. In a deeper sleep than she had been for months, Kaden didn’t know what to do. This wasn’t the first night Eleana had had a nightmare, but it was the first time she had done so when neither Rhysand nor Feyre were there to help. Her father had usually burst into the room before it escalated this far.

Kaden’s face was turning beet red, and his veins started to protrude from his forehead. He tried to yell, but his voice was nothing but sparse expels of air.

His magic burst from him, lighting the room and dissipating her darkness. He gulped in air, amazed at what he had just done. Never in his life had his light been able to keep her darkness at bay. By all accounts, no one had.

He didn’t spend longer than a few minutes on the thought, not when Eleana was next to him squirming. Her mouth was open as if she would speak, but when he straddled her to try and wake her up, she let out an excruciating scream.

It was so loud he had to cover his ears. He didn’t see it coming when her darkness whipped out, sending him flying backwards. He was lucky there were wards on her room, otherwise he would have gone crashing through her window.

He swore loudly, rushing back to her side. He tried to think of what Rhysand and Feyre did, but they had it down to a fine art. They had been doing this for years.

She was sobbing, and her arms flailed as she tried to stop an invisible attacker. Claws apparated on her hands, and her fangs grew an inch.

Wake up wake up wake up

He tried to yell through the bond that was still trying to repair itself. They had made little progress on it, neither worried because they could still feel the inklings of it. It was getting there, he could feel it at least, know she was alive and healthy, but that was about it.

She slashed at him unconsciously. He moved back quickly but was still nicked enough that he had to go to the bathroom and quickly wrap the cut. It wouldn’t need stitches, luckily, but both the High Lady and Lord had ended up with injuries that did.

His blood pooled in the sink as he tried to wrap the cut with one hand while increasingly frazzled.

He managed to do it. He turned back, but his eyes got caught on a bucket next to the door. Usually, they kept it for after in case Eleana needed to vomit, but tonight he would use it for something far more impractical.

He filled it with water – cold – and went back to her room. She had ripped the mattress to shreds and she had started to change forms. She must have been having one hell of a dream, hopefully this woke her up from it.

He poured the water over her face and torso and she woke up with a welch.

She spat out cold water over the side of the bed and kicked as she came to.

“What the fuck.”

“I’m sorry, it was the only way.”

He sat down next to her on the ruined mattress and brought her to his chest. She pushed away slightly, but only so that she had a good read on his face.

“You’re here,” she breathed.

“Yes, of course.”

“I could have – I could have sworn you were in Illyria, that your brothers in that damned Room-”

“Shh, it’s okay. I’m here. I’m here.”

A single tear slipped down her face. She shook her head slightly, as if she were trying to shake the dreams from her head.

“The Room. I haven’t dreamt of the Room since I met you. At least this was just a dream. You’re here, and that was just a dream. You’re okay. You’re alive.” She paused. “You’re bleeding.” Her fingers touched the bandage on his arm. She undid them, inspecting the damage she caused. Apologetic, she laid her hand over the wound until it was healed.

“I’m okay. Tell me about this Room. You’ve dreamt of it before?”

She levelled her gaze with his. “I don’t know if dreamt is the right word. I thought it was dreams, for the longest time we all did. If we had known the truth we would have done something.”

She was twiddling her thumbs.

Kaden slid one arm under her knees and the other around her shoulders, picking her up. He took them to one of the guest rooms and sat her on the bed. He stripped her of her wet clothes and left only to get her a new pair. She slipped them on, and since it was only his shirt that was damp, he removed it and climbed into bed.

“What do you mean?” he asked her.

She smiled sadly. “It’s funny. If you mentioned the Room to anyone else they would know in a heartbeat.”

Kaden paused. “You don’t have to tell me.”

She crawled under the covers and lied facing him. “The Room is your room. There were signs, for years, that we were to be mated. I just didn’t know that until Talysa’s wedding.”

Kaden was confused but listened to her every word.

As always, their bed was a safe space. Whether it was one that belonged to them or one they borrowed, it was a haven.

And with that in mind, Kaden listened to Eleana as she told another story. This one wasn’t like her others, this one was about a little girl in a Room that saw and experienced inhumane crimes and injustices. Throughout the story, the girl grew. Her whole life was plagued with this Room. Her family tried desperately to protect her from it, but there was nothing they could do.

When she was seventeen, the dreams finally stopped. It was like she could rest easy for the first time. They had been far and few between by that age, but she was always scared that when she went to sleep the night terrors would return.

This girl attended a wedding with the man she was in love with, and he showed her his childhood room beforehand. Stepping in there was like leaving the waking world and entering her mind, and that is when she knew the truth.

Like her father had with her mother before her, she saw the life of her mate. Where her parents only had glimpses, she was so strongly tied to him that the bond – or maybe it was fate, or a magic unexplainable – showed her his life over a decade before they were to meet.

Kaden listened solemnly.

He felt…

Awful.

While she had been seeing him, he knew he had been seeing her. But while hers forced her to healers upon healers that couldn’t help, he saw Velaris. He didn’t really make the connection until now, the dancing and music more vivid than the landscape itself.

When she had finished, he pulled her in closely. He kissed her cheeks, her head, her nose, her lips.

And he thanked her. For the music. And because it was those dreams that made him want to dance. And if it had not been for that, and music, he would have given up a very long time ago.

“I love you. I love you I love you I love you,” he said over and over again.

/////

Kaden brought his sword down in a wide arc, cutting through the bellies of the three creatures attacking him. He made a mental note of their bodies. He was trying to make a cheat sheet to them, an encyclopedia on everything the queen cooked up with her magic, and the list was growing every time he went hunting. Turns out, he had barely seen anything over the past year – luckily, if one could even say that – he had already seen some of the worst, and that had somewhat prepared him.

The hunting had was going well, even if Amren insisted with hisses in his ear when no one else could hear that it wasn’t. It was also better now that winter was over, although spring did mean more foliage which meant more cover for cowering creatures.

He watched their pale pink bodies fall. Satisfied, he moved onto the next.

They had been here for about an hour, a large cluster gathering in the Summer Court’s rainforests. The Elite had been joined by a squadron made by Tarquin himself and they had yet to lose any lives.

Kaden kicked a creature, and rammed his sword through its throat, twisting, the head soon fell as the metallic scent of blood fixed with the damp, grassy smell of the forest around them. Sweat was sliding down his back, the air unbearably humid. The grass tickled his ankles and damn was he working his lungs hard.

“Clear!” a voice boomed.

“Clear!” followed another.

The soldiers fighting the creatures shouted as their areas were cleared and then checked. When Kaden had heard the voices of all the team leaders in the Elite, he shouted the word himself.

He gestured to two members. They collectively came over and collected the body and head of the last creature he killed, placing it in a wooden box they carried. They were taking home specimens to be studied by fae that specialized in this area, so that hopefully, in the event that something similar occurred again, they would be better prepared.

“Lord Kaden, I think you should come see this.”

The soldier was one he had only just met. Belonging to Tarquin, he was tall and dark skinned. His shoulders were broad and covered in tattoos, not dissimilar to the ones Kaden had as an Illyrian. He had fought in the Spring Court at the end of the war.

Kaden was glad he didn’t bring Felix; his best friend would have pounced on a male like this.

“Just a moment, I have to clear the area.”

“I’ll do it, Lord Kaden,” a young solider volunteered. If it had been Kaden’s choice, he wouldn’t have had someone so young, only fifteen, on his service, but he was here fighting alongside his brother and father. And that – well, that was something Kaden could sympathise with.

“Be careful. Check them all and remove their hearts. Remember to look above and below. Ask for help of you need it,” Kaden said sternly. “Your name, soldier?”

“Vetly.”

Kaden nodded and walked to the side of the first soldier. His hand was pushing aside the shrubbery to reveal dozens of broken eggs.

“Well, that explains the question of whether or not they can breed.” Next to the eggs were lizard looking things, slimy and cawing unnaturally. They were scattered in the under bush, and clearly still dependant on their mother.

“How shall we proceed?” asked the same handsome solider that summoned him.

“Take the offspring and add them to the box. Inform your High Lord about the findings and tell him to expect a full report from me by tomorrow. I’ll send the same report to the other Courts. This isn’t the best-case scenario, but it’s one we can handle.”

Kaden heaved a sigh. It felt like his lungs were wet. He was glad to be going home after this. They may have been here for an hour, but they’d been going since dawn. Before this was a town that had creatures living in the sewer and entering homes through the plumbing, but at least here there was no fae residences or towns in sight.

Kaden subtly tried to smell his under-arm. He wrinkled his nose; his scent was rank.

He was about to give the orders for everyone to go home, but a curdling scream stopped him.

He bolted in its direction and was horrified to find a creature wrapped around the leg of the young Vetly. Blood spurted everywhere, including over Kaden’s face as he quickly approached.

He was in strife. He had to get on his knees and palm two knives, and hack off the creature carefully so he didn’t cut the poor child.

When he finally got it off with the help of another Elite member, he flinched back and had to hold in his vomit.

The creature had taken his foot clean off. The bone was a just a shard sticking through bloody flesh and the smell was revolting in the heat of the Summer Court.

Kaden wrapped the wound tightly and winnowed him, leaving instructions for his family to meet him at the palace.

As they stepped onto the floor of the Summer palace, Vetly howling in pain, Kaden sent a prayer to the Cauldron that the boy would overcome this.

_____

“Kaden, I’m glad you’re here. I wanted to talk about what happened today.”

Kaden was making his and Eleana’s bed before she came home when the voice of High Lord Rhysand interrupted him. He tossed the pillow he was holding onto the spare bed they were still using and faced Rhysand.

“High Lord. I’ve included all the details in the report I sent to you about the offspring we found but excluded the amputation from what I sent to the other High Lords. I hope I did the right thing.”

“You did, definitely. It was good, very thorough.”

Kaden smiled awkwardly, shuffling his feet. He had barely spent time with the High Lord without Eleana at his side. Kaden still struggled in his presence. He had always been the highest authority to Kaden, long before he’d ever met the male’s daughter.

And although Kaden might now hold the title of Lord, that didn’t mean he connected with it.

“I want to make sure you’re okay.”

That was not the question Kaden was expecting.

“Pardon sir?”

“It’s come to my attention that you are the only one of our children that isn’t seeing a healer after the war. Cassian and Nesta even have someone that speaks to Quathryn just to make sure. Azriel isn’t one to broach the subject, but all the resources we have here are available to you. You needn’t worry about the cost or any stigma, Velaris is free of both.”

The High Lord spoke in the same tone that he’d heard grandfathers use on children and he wasn’t quite sure what to make of it. He shuffled on his feet.

“Thank you, High Lord.”

“You really must stop calling me that. Just Rhys is fine. I do like you, you know. A lot. I think you’re very good for my daughter and nephew. And brother and cousin. Mor and Az adore you.” Rhysand stepped forward and laid a hand on his shoulder. “Which is why I want to make sure you’re all good. I know you’re better equipped at dealing with trauma than Felix and my young Butterfly, but you don’t have to bottle things in to maintain that image.”

Kaden looked at him wide-eyed. “Okay, yes sir.”

Rhysand laughed. “Come with me, I want you to tell me everything that happened today. I have whiskey if you need it, but also a delightful mint blend of tea. Your choice.”

Rhysand put his arm around Kaden’s shoulder and walked them to the door.

It was in no way passive aggressive, and Kaden could tell that the High Lord did just genuinely care. Which was strange. He had become so accustomed to being looked down upon that it was a shock when he wasn’t.

Kaden lost his family long before the war.

But maybe it had brought him a new one.

/////

“Are you ready?” asked the healer.

“Soready, you have no idea.”

For the last time, she peeled away Felix’s eye patches. He blinked and squinted and as his gaze met Eleana’s they both smirked.

“Look at how nice they look! You can’t even tell they were damaged,” Eleana told him.

He stood from his chair and hugged the healer. He patted her head, a trait he had inherited straight from his father, and moved to hug Eleana next.

She was utterly ecstatic that this was over. Felix’s sight, while not fantastic, was still good enough. As of now, she knew he could distinguish the pastel colours that made up the room. He knew where the furniture was but could not make out any detail nor exactly what it was – no matter how close or far he was to the subject. With the lenses her mate had hidden in his pocket, Felix’s sight would be better than hers.

“Only took five months,” Felix joked. “We’ll have to celebrate. I have another appointment to look at lenses and see if there is a glass that might improve my vision, but after that I’m free.” He turned his head toward Kaden. “And you finished nice and early today.”

“I wanted to be here,” Kaden said, pulling on Felix sleeve.

Felix pulled away from Eleana and went to hug his friend when he was stopped by a hand on his chest.

“I have something for you.”

Felix leant forward and said something in Kaden’s ear too low for her to hear. Whatever it was, it must have been vulgar. Kaden went bright red. A lovely red, one Eleana adored.

But she really didn’t want to know what Felix said to make him react in such a way.

“That is most definitely notwhat I have for you.”

“Guaranteed it would be more fun.”

“I’m not so sure about that.”

Kaden reached into his pocket and pulled out a rectangular, leather case. Felix cocked an eyebrow as he saw it and took it swiftly from Kaden’s hands. Felix opened it, the hinges tight from lack of use, and stopped to process what he saw.

“Thank you. I love blurry rectangles.”

Kaden smiled and lifted the glasses from their case. He carefully slid them onto Felix face, and Eleana near cried of joy when Felix blanched back with his eyes wide.

“Holy shit. Like, holy fucking shit,” Felix blurted.

“I know, right? You can adjust the settings as well so that in different environments or time of day it suits the situation better.”

The frames were a simple black, the rims circular. They made Felix’s strong jaw more prominent and suited the colour of his hair. Kaden chose well.

“You look rather dapper if I do say so myself,” Kaden told him.

Felix strode to the mirror, everyone in the room looking on in amusement. He styled his hair so that rather than it falling over his forehead it was flicked back. He adjusted the glasses and stood up straighter.

“You’re damn right I look dapper.”

/////

Kaden was doing his familiar evening walk through the palace to see his mother. He had been slack lately, only coming once a fortnight, maybe week, and it had been ten days since he had seen her. He didn’t warn that he was coming, hoping to surprise his mother.

He was sweating profusely as he walked, summer hitting the Day Court hard. At least he’d recently cut his hair. He had let it grow so long he could tuck it behind his ears, but now he could feel the sunshine on his neck.

He walked up the many flights of stairs. It was like a sauna, with every eight steps offering relief as he climbed past a window. He knocked on her door. She didn’t say anything, so he presumed he was safe to enter.

He walked in and smiled when he saw her.

“Afternoon,” he said cheerily.

Her lips turned down at the sight of him.

“Excuse me?”

He was accustomed to her confusion- her slip-ups, her forgetfulness. She was still in recovery from the decades she spent in Hewn City. She wasn’t even sound enough to tell them why she was there in the first place.

He walked to the windows and pointed at the sun sitting low on the horizon.

“Who are you to walk into my room?” she asked him.

Since meeting her, she had started to gain weight. Her hips and torso had filled out again, and no longer did her clavicles slice through her skin or her eyes look sunken. The rings she wore no longer flung from her fingers when she waved and her belt was getting less necessary with every passing week.

Her regained health made her appear taller and fiercer, Helion often commented that her looks started to blend more with Kaden’s.

Kaden could see the fire in her eyes as she looked at him. A drop of unease settled in his stomach at the look.

“I’m sorry, I should have waited for you to call me in,” Kaden placated. He had never heard her use that tone with him, and quite honestly, it was unsettling.

She waved him off. “I have no need of you now. Come back with the dinner slaves.”

“I’m having dinner with Eleana tonight.” He took a step toward her, which prompted her to retreat slightly. He put a hand over his chest, unsure of what was happening. “Do – did you want to come? Helion said it wasn’t a fantastic idea but-”

“Who are you to speak to me in such a tone? Address your betters in the proper manner,” she snapped.

Kaden was taken aback. Never had she spoken with anything but love in her voice and the way she was looking at him was the way someone would look at a stranger.

“Mother?”

She scoffed at him. “Does it look like I have a child? Now shoo before I have High Lord Exeter take care of you.”

“Helion is High Lord.” Kaden was shaking.

His mother scoffed. “Exeter!” she shrieked. She bared her teeth and ferally growled. Her eyes were wild and she looked like she might charge him. “Exeter! Exeter! Exeter Exeter Exeter.” She grabbed her chair and threw it at him. Kaden, so shocked by her actions, let it hit him.

He felt the wood splinter and slice his face, the bones in his wrist cracked audibly, and he just stood there while she threw her side table. It had a glass countertop, and it was only due to his reflexes that he deflected it.

Ghostly pale, he walked backwards until he hit the door. He scrambled to open it, and his legs moved but his mind didn’t but somehow he was out and slamming it just as something smashed into the place he had just been.

He could hear her screaming. He couldn’t feel the heat as he slowly walked down the stairs. He wasn’t sure when Helion started calling his name and when he had made it to the palace’s marble steps.

A strong hand clasped his shoulder and forced him to stop. Helion was in front of him, the High Lord alarmed.

Kaden couldn’t make out his words. He could feel every beat of his heart though. His chest was tight, but it didn’t hurt, not the way his stomach did. He felt every prick of the scorching wind like a pin to his skin. With every breath, he felt like he was sinking.

How long had he been here?

He heard Helion say his name again before he heard nothing but ringing.

_____

Kaden was lying on a couch. There was a hand running through his hair – nails were scratching his scalp soothingly, and it made him want to fall asleep.

“Are you awake, my love?”

Kaden didn’t know when he’d been transported to the Night Court or even where he was, but the sound of Eleana’s voice had him blinking his eyes open.

“Take your time, breathe, I’ll be here when you’re ready,” she whispered. She kissed his forehead and then rested her head on his chest.

“What happened?” His voice was groggy.

“You had a panic attack.”

“I did?”

“Azriel told me that you’ve had one before. He’s outside keeping guard.”

Kaden sat up. He put his head in his hands. He felt fuzzy – like a giant had picked him up and shaken him.

“Your mother… Helion told me that the reason he didn’t warn you about her behaviour is because he wasn’t expecting you. Apparently she’s been having off days, and on those days she can’t quite remember where she is or what time it is.”

“She was calling for a man named Exeter,” Kaden told his mate, trying to piece together what she was saying.

He thought his mother was getting better. In the half-year since he’d met her, she had never had one of these episodes. But for Helion to explain her condition to Eleana meant it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence. He wracked his brain, wondering how he missed this.

“Helion’s record show that High Lord Exeter ruled about 3,000 years ago.”

He nodded, unsure of what to do with the information. At least he had a better gauge on her age – he had underestimated.

Eleana offered him water. He said yes, and she poured him a glass from a pitcher on a table an arm’s length away. She lifted it to his mouth, and after he had drunk thoroughly, she put the glass aside and replaced it with her lips.

She tasted salty, like she’d been crying, but Kaden was too focused on the wonderful feeling of her mouth to ask. She moved from her own chair to the little space on his. He braced his arm around her, bringing her as close to him as he could. Her scent was intoxicating – distracting.

They were both breathless when she pulled back.

“You scared me,” she said. “Helion, too.”

“Did he bring me straight to Velaris?”

She shook her head.

Kaden finally looked at the room, trying to garner where they were.

He could see billowing trees outside and could feel the heat through the open windows. Windows was actually an incorrect term, they were outside in a foyer. The roof and floor were the same gold-veined marble, and they were surrounded by the strong scent of eucalyptus as they wind swept through the room.

“Are we still in the Day Court.”

“Yes.”

He looked at her.

She was outside the Night Court.

He expected her to be flushed with joy, bright with wanderlust, but she was terse, her jaw hard and her face red.

“How?”

“When you fainted and he summoned Azriel, I told him he could either let me into the Court to be with you or I would storm into the Court to be with you. Either way, I had to be at your side when you woke up.”

“That was a risky move.”

No danger could keep me from your side. I love you too damn much.

Kaden lurched forward, capturing her mouth with his again at hearing her words through the bond. Crystal clear, the tether had repaired itself enough that once again they were bridged together.

I can hear you I can hear you

You make me worry, she interrupted. When I saw the maids taking away her broken furniture, it coiled something inside of me. No wonder you reacted the way you did. I know she’s not like your father or brothers, but surely it triggered something-

Oh who gives a shit what it triggered, you’re in the Day Court.

Promise me you’ll see a healer when we return.

I promise. Are we allowed to leave? I have so much to show you. I need to introduce you to Den! Kaden paused, stopping himself. But not today.

No. She shook her head. Not today.

/////

So far Kaden had been to eleven different places with the agent. Not a single one felt like home, or even a place he could make a home, and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t disheartened.

They were on their way to the twelfth, and this was the first time Felix could actually see the place rather than just reply on Kaden’s subpar descriptions. He was quite perky about it, a pep in his step and far more chatty than usual.

They rode horses to reach the property, and Kaden liked the view as they did. This was more outside the city, the ride likely irksome for some fae, but Kaden knew he would be flying and it would take half the time. He and Eleana could also both winnow, a trait surely their children would inherit.

There was little woodland around, much thicker forests in the distance though, and the path had them zig-zagging next to white cliffs.

After a half hour of hard riding, the agent raised his hand to stop them. They climbed off their horses and Kaden looked back in the direction they came, stunned by the beautiful view of the city. They had gained altitude, so Velaris sat beneath but at a distance that made it look like they were gazing into a valley. He could see the defined areas of the city, the Rainbow standing out for the lights that were lit at all hours of the day. The sun was high, but Kaden knew when it set the view would intensify ten-fold.

The property was outlined by a rudimentary fence. It was quite large. It definitely had the space Kaden was looking for.

The agent led them to the edge of the cliff. It was maybe a twenty-metre drop, but steps had been carved into the side and at the bottom low tide meant there was their own personal beach.

“The water here near quite reaches the cliffs. The beach is at its largest now and will be an arc a third of the size at its smallest. Only in a storm does it touch, which is why it is never recommended to have permanent structures built down there. The land is fertile, and the further you go is when you start encountering the farming villages.”

Kaden looked at the calm water beneath and tried to picture his life here.

It had a lot of potential, that’s for certain, and it checked every criterion.

Felix started asking the agent questions Kaden never thought to. Felix was playing up the glasses look, he had suit pants, a white button up shirt rolled to his forearms and was wearing a matching vest. He looked like a tutor you would see at a palace who was teaching children by day and seducing nobles by night.

Kaden was happy he was here. Exuberant, even.

“Can we go down?” he asked.

The agent nodded but said he would be saying, and Felix said he would as well. Kaden shrugged and headed down the stairs.

They were well worn from use and had no rails. If Kaden was to buy this place, he would definitely replace them. Maybe with an enclosed spiral staircase that twisted right down so it wasn’t so steep.

He noticed a lot of spaces nestled into the cliffs where birds and such must live. He liked that it was teeming with life.

He made it to the sand. It was cleaner than that in the city proper and was the lightest yellow he had ever seen. He took of his shoes and rolled up his pants. He padded into the water, letting it lap up to his ankles. He threw out a small tinge of magic to check if there were hidden rocks under the water, but nope, all clear.

It was quiet. Peaceful.

There wasn’t much to see, so he headed back up. As he put his foot on the first stair, a glinting from next to it caught his eye.

There was a little nook next to the stairs. He leant down to see what it was. Something was shining in the sun, and he had to brush some sand aside to see what it was.

It was two rings. One band thicker than the other, they both had onyx stone in a ring that supported swirls of red, blue and purple opals in a vine pattern. He slipped the larger one onto his left ring finger and smiled.

They matched the crowns that he and Eleana had received so very long ago.

“Thank you,” he said to the forest faeries that must have left them for him and Eleana.

He put them both into his breast pocket and walked up the stairs, the smile never leaving his face.  

Felix’s expression was similar to his. He put his thumbs up in question and Felix nodded. He liked this one. A lot. It was the only one to have his approval so far.

Kaden knew what he would do the moment he found those rings.

“I’ll take it.”

____

It was a week later. Kaden had two things to do today. The first was see the architect in the Day Court that had been working on the blueprints for the house Kaden was to build and give him a final price estimate pending changes. The moment that was done, he was going straight to the Night Court to sign for his and Eleana’s land.

His mother, who was faring well today, was coming with him and Felix. He’d had a hard day hunting – they nearly had another amputation after a creature’s claws had sliced so deeply into a woman’s leg they weren’t sure if they could have saved it. His mother’s presence was a comforting one. It was as though nothing had ever happened, even if her episodes had repeated.  

Kaden was scared about it happening again, but now that he knew about its possibility he could be better prepared.

Felix had his arms linked with Denora and the two were yapping away. When they arrived at the architect’s office, they decided to stay outside so they could keep talking while Kaden went in.

The door chimed as he entered, and the receptionist behind the desk welcomed him and sent him straight into the office. He thanked the man for holding the door open for him, and then greeted the female who designed his and Eleana’s home.

“Please, sit Lord Kaden.”

She was very gracious around him. Word of his relation to Denora and High Lord Helion spread quickly, and it wasn’t long before sentries and even people on the street were bowing to him. It had given him a level of respect he’d never had and wasn’t sure he’d earned.

She laid out the plans before him.

The house was a verifiable mansion, but they were only intending on building a small section of it to start with. Then Eleana could make whatever changes she wanted, and Kaden wouldn’t have to front such a cost straight away.

They talked it over making minimal tweaks.

She handed him the paperwork with the estimates and said she could start hiring labourers the moment he had the deed to the land and gained permission for her to work in the Night Court.

He opened up the envelope, assuring her visas wouldn’t be an issue when his face fell.

The estimate was far, far more than he was expecting, even with the mirror-glass.

He told her as such.

“With the war, mining has become a far more expensive endeavour. No one is willing to go underground, and the stone down there is necessary for this glass. Many people died, and there are few who can replace them.”

Just like that, his dream was over. Sure, he could get the land and let it sit there, but what was the point? It was to be their home, and he would never, could never, afford this.

He tried to hide his disappointment. He swallowed hard, hoping the silver lining his eyes might disappear with it.

Kaden hated that he was so mad and bitterly disappointed. There was a time when he was never let down because he never let himself have expectations. At some point he had become entitled – weak – and not let himself consider that he couldn’t do this.

But of course he couldn’t do this. He heard people call him Lord and he let himself think that he was one.

He thanked her for her time and effort and said he would come back to her in a few days after thinking about it. He had zero intention of taking up her offer to build this beautiful home. He simply could not. He did not have the money.

He left the office and Felix immediately knew something was wrong. Den frowned at him, having never seen him anything other than cheery.

“Are we good to go sign the deed?” he asked, voice low and slow.

“I’ve actually decided not to.”

Kaden kissed his mother on the cheek abruptly and told her goodbye, storming off into the crowd of Sun Courtiers enjoying the cooler evening.

He heard his mother yell him name – not Kaden, Dimitri – and when he didn’t respond she sent Felix after him.

He walked until he could feel his calves staining. He might have kept going, but Felix sprang in front of him and forced him to stop.

“What the hell happened?”

“I can’t afford the house. Not even close.”

“So? Buy just the land. Eleana certainly could afford it.”

“What a grand surprise that would be. Hello, Eleana! This is our home. Here’s the bill.”

Kaden tried to walk around him but was stopped again. Luckily, he had walked into a secluded alley where the shops were closed for the evening. There were few fae to eavesdrop, and Felix apparently felt no qualms about ripping into him.

“Stop it,” he snarled.

“I can’t control my damn emotions-”

“This isn’t the end of the world. We’ve been there, done that, and it’s old news. I can lend you the money,” Felix offered.

“I already owe you so much, I can’t let you do that.”

“It would be my pleasure, honestly.”

“But I would feel like I owe you a debt. It wouldn’t be what I had done for her, it would be what you had done for us. And I know it’s archaic and stupid to feel jealous that you can offer her that and I can’t but I just can’t help it.”

“You know, I am waiting for that jealous ball to drop.”

“Pardon?”

“I’m waiting for you to become a raging mate.”

“I would never.”

“It has nothing to do with you, it has to do with the magic behind the bond or whatever. It happens to everyone.” Felix peered at him, his finger tapping his glasses to push them back up the bridge of his nose. “What were you like after she cooked for you?”

“This is so far off topic, but she never cooked for me.”

Felix braced himself on the wall looking exasperated. “So you’re telling me that all this time you two have been wandering around without doing the mating rituals or any formal…?”

“There are rituals?”

Felix sighed. “I can’t blame you for your lack of knowledge, you grew up in a hole.”

“All I want to do right now is go home to Eleana. Maybe she can explain these supposed rituals to me.”

So, that was exactly what he did.

He found Eleana in her father’s study, doing paperwork for her mother so her parents could have a night to themselves. She noticed something was awry when she looked at him, and he told her he’d had a hard day of hunting. Her face fell ever so slightly, and she got up to embrace him.

They didn’t need their own land or home to be together. Just this, her in his arms, was more than enough for Kaden.

/////

The leaves of the Night Court were starting to turn an array of brown and orange, the slightest bit of wind making them fall from their perches and cover the paths in the city. Eleana looked out at the scene of her Velaris turning with the season. She loved the first month of Autumn. There were many things to celebrate, including baby Theodosia’s first birthday. Eleana idly wondered what she would get the babe; Kaden would let her pitch in for the inevitably wonderful idea he had, surely.

This month also marked their one-year anniversary. Not just from the day they had met, but the day that he proclaimed his love for her. It was one of the best days of her life and she would never forget the feeling of his words as they brushed her skin. She had waited for him, and by the Cauldron it was worth it.

The century without him had been a nightmare. And although the days since had been tumultuous, her health as rapid changing as the weather, he was a steady constant that kept her grounded. The time without him made him only dearer to her.

She was so distracted by her thoughts that Felix was able to land what would have been a deathblow if they hadn’t been only training.

“Eleana,” he snapped. “You haven’t trained for months. You’ll need to focus better than that.”

They were at the House of Wind. Her muscles were already sore form the gruelling exercises he had given her, but it was a welcome pain. She hadn’t felt like this in a long time – like herself. Soon, the muscle that once corded her arms and made her thighs thick would return, but until then she would have to work for it. Hard.

She was still puffed when she replied. “We’ve been at it for hours.”

“And you’ve been thinking about Kaden the whole time. You’re a sorry pair aren’t you, so dependant, it makes me literally never want a mate.”

“We aren’t dependent, I just worry when he hunts.”

Felix softened near imperceptibly. “He knows what he’s doing. Do you know how many High Lords have sent Rhys messages commending Kaden? Or should I say Lord Kaden. It’s doing spiffy things for your reputation too.”

“Is that so?” Eleana took Felix’s enthusiasm to speak as a sign they were done for the day.

“All these nobles frothing for your man is doing wonders.”

As if his name summoned him, Eleana spotted Kaden in the distance flying their way. She breathed a sigh of relief. He went hunting five days a week and because of the Courts ban on her she couldn’t go with him – even though she was in invaluable tool.

Kaden landed with a soft thud and sprinted to her side. He slammed into her, wrapping his arms around her and swinging her around as they hugged. It was an unexpected but very, very welcome on her part.

He stopped them long enough to kiss her, deep and unhinged, his excitement coming through.

“Hello.”

“Hello. What has you so cheery?”

He put her down but kept her close. He pulled a letter out of his back pocket and handed it to her. She opened it, her eyes reading the words but not really taking them in until she’d been over it a third, fourth time.

“This is an invitation for me?”

“Yes.”

“But this is in the Day Court.”

“Yes.”

“Where, despite my barging, I am not allowed to go.”

He kissed her again, his lips smooth. “You are now.”

Eleana cheered.

It wasn’t that she felt she didn’t deserve her punishment. She knew there had to be consequences for her actions, she didn’t even travel that much, but not going to the other Courts meant she was missing so much of Kaden’s life. She hadn’t even met his mother. The High Lords who she had once had a great deal of rapport with were now only learning of her condition through her mate.

It was also hard to know that people close to her heart had such a distrust for her – not that she could blame them.

She was elated to finally be able to visit another Court, and from the looks of it, Kaden was too.

“We start here, and soon all the Courts will welcome you again,” his words confirmed as much.

“Let’s get ready then.”

_____

The party was to celebrate the start of Autumn. It was at dusk, and Eleana came in a formfitting gold dress. It had thin straps and glided down her body like a second skin until it hit the floor and pooled in a train. She let her dark hair hang loose in waves and covered herself in gold jewels with red rubies.

She knew she made the right decision in clothing when she saw Kaden’s face when he first saw her.

His eyes glazed with lust, his throat bobbing as he swallowed.

It had been a long time since he’d looked at her like that, and she was surprised that the sickening coil in her stomach didn’t rear its ugly head at the look.

They had kissed, plenty a time, but never taken even the smallest step further. She wasn’t there yet, and he understood her completely.

Looking at him in his fine suit made her wonder when she would be ready.

She winnowed them to the Day Court where they were given a personal welcome from Helion. It was a little awkward, especially with so many eyes on her as she appeared, but they made it through.

The gathering was in one of the royal halls, only a twenty-minute walk from the palace. Its columns were coated in gold, the perfect match to Eleana’s dress, but the interior was all white save the vertical gardens that covered every wall. There was a water feature that split the floor in two. Kaden, who had a tight grip on her hand, walked to the left and started introducing her to the people he had become acquainted with. Soldiers, Lords, Ladies, a line started to form to speak to Kaden.

He brushed them mostly off though and walked in a bee-line to the most important person Kaden would introduce her to tonight.

Denora looked radiant in a white, velvet dress. It had cap sleeves adorned with silver bands that stretched down her arms in a vine fashion. Eleana noted that it was a similar look to Kaden’s Illyrian tattoos, and wondered if that decision was purposeful. Her hair was up in a high bun and she wore a tiara fit for an immortal princess. She was thicker – a healthy stomach, wide hips, large thighs – and taller than even Kaden.

“Mother!” Kaden called.

She turned to look at him, and it was startling to see Kaden’s midnight eyes on someone else.

“Dimitri! And you.” Her eyes widened at the sight of Eleana. She stalked to them, her walk confident and unbridled as she cut through fae to reach them. She stopped a few steps away, towering over Eleana as if she was a giant speaking to a human child.

“Hello Lady Denora, it’s lovely to meet you.” Eleana offered her hand, but Denora ignored it.

“Girl gone blue without a trace, the golden boy is Cauldron blessed, to save the good and smite the rest.” Her voice was melodic, and Eleana wasn’t sure how to respond.

Luckily, Kaden did. “Is that a nursey rhyme? I swear I’ve heard it before.”

She looked at him pointedly – like she saw far more than just the two of them standing in front of her. “Yes.”

Kaden cleared his throat. “Mother, this is Eleana, Heir to the Night Court and my mate.”

Denora stepped so she was a breath away from Eleana. Her eyes were wide as she leant in so close that their noses bumped.

“Welcome to the family, you will do great things for this world,” she whispered before abruptly pulling back. “You two must dance!” She clapped high and sped away, leaving them in her wake.

“Are we meant to follow her?” Eleana was gobsmacked.

“I think so.”

They walked after her and found her on the dance floor. She was in the middle of a few pairs of people dancing, swaying to the music alone and to her own tune.

Her body moved like a calm sea. It was fluid and flexible – effortless but powerful. It was clear where Kaden got such innate talent from.

Eleana thought she might step this one out, not wanting to embarrass any one with her dismal attempts at dancing, but Kaden would have none of it.

I would rather be still forever than dance with anyone but you.

She blushed at the words he sent down the bond and lead the way onto the dance floor.

It was just like the first time.

She was not excellent, but he guided her in such a loving way that it did not matter. It was just as exhilarating, and breathtaking as the first time he held her close at that wedding and spun her for hours on end. Except this time there were no hidden feelings, no impending doom, just a man and a woman who loved each other very much and wanted to dance together.

The way he touched her hips as they danced set fire in her veins. When his fingers brushed her collar bones to sweep the hair from her face, he may as well have painted a cross on her to show that this is mine.

Any nerves she had from his touch were nothing but virginal butterflies. It had been so long since she’d been with him that she could remember that it was amazing, but not exactly how it felt to have him inside her, touching her, making her scream unholy things and praying to Gods that she didn’t believe in. She knew that in those moments hewas her God, and she was his, and that their coupling was the magic of myth.

The music, a fine orchestra, slowed down.

Kaden and Eleana swayed to the music. She didn’t step on his feet, and he rested his head on her shoulder.

People were watching.

It wasn’t until that moment that she realised her skin had started to radiate. Her darkness was also slipping from her hands that were around his neck and tangled in his hair.

And Kaden, her perfect equal, was spilling a golden light to match.

Either he didn’t notice or he didn’t care, because they just kept dancing.

_____

Eleana dress was sticking to her with sweat. They had danced for so long, keeping their magic at bay and ignoring the stares, that she’d become quite hot and bothered. She stepped outside for a moment to try and regain her thoughts and cool down.

There was no one here but her and the giant pool that glimmered in the moonlight. She sat down at its edge and yanked off her shoes, dipping her feet in the cool water. She tilted her head back and closed her eyes, letting the air sooth her.

It wasn’t long before Kaden joined her.

“My mother likes you.”

“Does she?”

He nodded. He was standing, but only so he could roll up his pants and join her. “I just ran into her. She sang your praises.”

“I’m glad. Hopefully I can get to know her better if Helion gives me full access to the Day Court.”

He sat down so close to her that their shoulders were touching. She leaned into him. He kissed the top of her head and wrapped his arm around her waist.

“Have you enjoyed your night?”

“Thoroughly.”

His fingers were tracing patterns on her skin. He was doing it so idly she wondered if he didn’t realise he was doing it at all, but the movement sent shivers down her spine.

“Are you cold?” he asked.

She shook her head, not trusting her voice to remain steady if she spoke aloud.

He ran his hand up and down her side, thinking he might warm her. He certainly did, and her breathing became shaky.

She leaned into him more and turned her head. She kissed his jaw, then his neck, where her lips stayed and explored.

“What are you doing?” he asked, voice gruff.

“I don’t know,” she whispered against his skin.  

He faced her, his warm breath coating her face. His arm left her waist and settled high on her thigh, squeezing slightly. “What do you want to do?”

She didn’t answer.

What did she want? Not sex, no, but something. Not even to climax, just a sense of intimacy that can only be granted by your partner. Up until now, kissing had granted her that pleasure, but seeing him tonight and dancing with him like there was nothing else in the room made her ache for more.

“Do you want me to touch you?”

She felt how aroused the seven words made her in her core.

The hand on her thigh moved slightly, and that small action alone made her gasp.

“I will. Right here, but I need you to say you want this.”

Her answer was immediate.  

“I want this.”

He kissed the skin just below her ear. His hand returned to her waist. He pulled her so that she was now sitting between his legs with her chest pressed to his back. His hands, those wickedhands of his, kneaded her shoulders. She was about to tell him that, yes, that felt good, but it wasn’t what she meant. Before she had the chance, his hands moved to grip her thighs, his fingers slowly etching her dress up until he had full access to her.

He bit her exposed shoulder lightly, not hard enough to leave a mark but so much that it made her lurch. His fingers grazed her inner thigh, up and down, until she was squirming on his lap.

One hand pressed against her lower abdomen to steady her, the other one slowly making its way to where she wanted it.

His lips were at her neck, kissing her in just the right spots to make her breathless. She was about to say something, but Cauldron she forgot what it was the moment his fingers slipped beneath her underwear and brushed against her sensitive centre.

She let out a deep moan. She laced her fingers with the hand on her stomach, needing to brace herself against something.

She spread her thighs more so that they crossed over his legs, and it prompted him to stoke harder, faster, in wonderful circles that with every round hit her in exactly the right spot to leave her quaking.

She was heaving in his arms and couldn’t help grinding down on him. She became even more aroused when she felt how hard he was for her, when she realised that the sound of her hissing his name and the feel of her body pressed against him was alone enough to make him want her.

She had to bite her lip to stop from screaming as she felt herself tightened and then come, his fingers working her all the way through her orgasm.

She slumped against him, and he pushed her dress back down before wrapping his arms around her and resting his head on hers.

/////

Nine months after her eighteenth birthday Eleana was sitting at a café in Velaris when a courier handed her a letter. It was addressed with only her name. She expected it to be from Kaden. Since she had come back to Velaris, she hadn’t felt like herself. And just like the last time she was lost with who she was, Kaden sent her letters to remind her. It was ridiculous really, they saw each other every night, but usually around two hours before he was to return to her she would get a letter. Sometimes it was just an I love youand more doodled hearts than she could count. Sometimes it was what he had done with his days. Often there were dot point summaries of the stories his mother had told him, he wrote them down so he wouldn’t forget any of the details, knowing Eleana would love to hear them all. Usually, these letters were written in the book he gave her for her birthday, the leather-bound object appearing where ever she was. A change of pace wasn’t unwelcomed though.

She closed the book she was reading and ripped it open.

It was a letter from the Day Court alright, but certainly not from Kaden.

“Holy shit Gods.”

If she hadn’t been banned from the other courts, she would have stormed into the Day Court and demanded answers. The first thing she would ask is is this a fucking joke?

She flew to her father’s office, barging in a throwing it at him.

“Is this real?” she asked.

“It says happy birthday, who’s it from?”

“The other page, look at the other page.”

He flipped over to the next page and raised his brow at what he saw. “This seems entirely real to me.”

She gawked at him, snatching it back and reading it over again herself.

Her father stood. He came and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, guiding her to the sitting chairs in the corner of the room. He mentioned something about food and tea and left her to read the pages over and over again. When he came back, she had it so close to her face that the paper was grazing her nose.

“If you’re that worried I would just confront the person who sent it. They clearly had a lot of intention. That,” he pointed at the paper, “is no quick process.”

Eleana moaned and put her head to her knees. “Do you have chocolate? I need it.”

Rhys laughed and knocked her head gently. “Eat your lunch, Butterfly. I’m sure you’ll get your answers soon enough.”

____

Kaden was late coming home, which meant that the whole family had to watch her pace back and forth waiting for him. Rain was thrashing against the windows, a wild storm raging outside.

She had shown them all the letter, all of which had validated its authenticity, which only made Eleana more confused.

And Kaden, her mate, had the audacity to be home late at a time like this.

When he finally strolled through the door with Felix and Quathryn, who wanted to see the pretty lights in the Day Court, Eleana tackled him. She ignored his wet clothing and barely felt his arms as they caught her.

“What is this?” she near screamed.

He swayed with her to catch his balance. “What is what?”

“This!” She waved the letter at him.

He snatched it from her hands and read it over, his eyes going wide and his mouth parting. “Holy shit. Holy fucking shit.”

“Did you know about this?”

“No! I mean, I mentioned some stuff about you-”

“What did you mention?!”

Everyone was looking at them, curiosity all over their faces. This is why weekly family dinners were not a good idea, they were too often in each other’s pockets. Eleana grumbled, grabbing Kaden’s hand and pulling him upstairs.

She slammed the study door behind her, whirling to face him.

“What did you say that made your mother do this?”

Kaden looked sheepish, running his hand nervously through his hair. “I mentioned that my savings are low, and that I was looking for property in the Night Court that I could buy.”

“Why do you want to buy land?”

His lips were a thin line. He mumbled something she couldn’t properly hear, so she demanded the answer again.

“I wanted to build you a house,” he said after a long pause. “There are these beautiful houses in the Day Court that I know you’ll love. But when I asked about the price for materials… there’s a special glass that I would want for you, but it’s far out of my budget. I could work for two hundred years and not be able to afford it.”

Eleana blinked. “You… you wanted to build me a house?”

He swallowed hard and nodded. “There’s this type of glass in the Day Court that you can look out of but not in. On the outside, it’s a mirror. I talked to an architect, even had some rough plans drawn up, but the cost stopped me.”

She tried to say something, but he kept talking, nervously rambling.

“My logic was that if in our house you could always see the sky and the gardens I would grow for you then you would never feel trapped. I was going to make all the bedrooms the same, the only opaque walls would be inside so that we could have privacy, and our children could have privacy. We would have had a lot of guest rooms of course, Felix would need somewhere to stay every time he got on the piss. I would have built it on the beach. Or a cliff that overlooked the water but wasn’t too far away from it. Because then we wouldn’t have to go far to teach our sons and daughters to swim.”

“Woah, Kaden, stop. Our house? Children? How long have you been thinking about this?”

His cheeks blushed bright red. “I’m overwhelming you, aren’t I? I’m sorry, I just mentioned to my mother, which is why she probably sent you the deed to her coastal house for your birthday. I mean, she’s quite late, but she’s often forgetful,” he tried to joke.  

“Kaden, this is a coastal apartment on Miyram and Drakon’s island. The passing of ownership has been signed off by them. She would have had to do this-”

“Months ago, I know. I told her the day I met her that you were the love of my life. I didn’t mention that house until later. She must have given this to you not because my,” he waved his hand around, “house dream.”

Eleana was stumped. She had just received more information than she’d ever bargained for. She thought her next words carefully before saying them.

“Kaden… this is – a lot. Houses and children – that’s not something I’m even ready to think about. Not something I think I want now.”

He looked away from her, nodding. “Of course. That makes complete sense. We’ve been together barely a year. I shouldn’t have said anything, I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t apologize. It’s flattering-”

“Yeah, really flattering.” He stared out the window behind her, a pink blush spreading over his cheeks. “Look, I’ll talk to Den about it, but she seems pretty stuck in her ways. We – youdon’t have to go there. I think maybe she felt bad about you not being able to travel Prythian or something. I’ll um, I’ll sort it out.”

He was rambling, and she couldn’t get a word in before he was opening the door and walking away.

“Wait, Kaden, stop.”

He was near running down the stairs, a few calls other than her own summoning him. He ignored them all. He rushed out the front door, rain whipping into the house from the storm raging outside. Eleana didn’t close the door as she rushed after him, grabbing his elbow just as he spread his wings to fly away.

“Where are you going?” she yelled through the onslaught of rain. Her hair was whipping around her face, the wet strands sticking to her.

Kaden wiped his eyes, his hair already slick down his face. “I’m going to fix this.”

“Fix what?”

He was breathing so hard she could see the rise and fall of his chest, and she reached out a hand to touch him – to steady him.

He was gasping for air. “Everything I’m doing is wrong.”

She shook her head vehemently. “No, no you’re perfect-”

“What was I thinking? I can’t – this life – I don’t think I’m cut out for this. I can’t help you no matter how damn hard I try. And your family.” His voice cracked. “They trusted me, and I’ve screwed everything up. Felix will never regain full sight, I haven’t even made a dent in dwindling the creatures. I call a woman mother who can’t remember me half the time when Morrigan is right there supporting me. The disrespect I’ve given her. I can’t even properly judge what you want and I’m meant to be your mate. Amren was right – Amren isright.”

“Please come inside and talk to me. Or we can go somewhere, anywhere that you want to go.”

He covered his face with his hands, and then swept his hair from his eyes.

“I have to leave,” his voice was grave.

“Wherever you go I’ll be there right with you, okay? So name a place, anywhere, and we’ll go there right now.”

Hs throat bobbed. He searched her face, and she wasn’t sure if he was crying or if it was just the rain. “Can we just stay here?”

She pulled him into her arms, the rain beating down so hard she could feel every drop. He was warm though, he had always been her fire in the ice. “Yes, we can stay here.”

_____

It was a while before they came in. No one asked questions, not even when their sopping wet selves dragged their bodies through the house and to her bedroom. They peeled their clothes off, Eleana lighting the fireplace in her room to ease their shivering.

Once dry and dressed in fresh night clothes, Eleana and Kaden crawled into bed. Her bed had become a safe place of confession for them both, and with that knowledge clear in his mind, Kaden spoke.

“For the last few months, Amren has thought the worst of me. Maybe it wouldn’t have affected me as much if my failures didn’t have as much impact on our lives as they do. I want to be the best for you, and I’m worried that I never can be.”

“What has Amren said?”

“She thinks that I had something to do with what happened with the Queen. That I orchestrated what happened.”

Eleana shot up, outraged at what she was hearing. “How long has this been going on?”

“She told me the first time we met.”

Eleana climbed on top of Kaden, her legs straddling his waist and hands cupping his cheeks. “It was literally prophesised by an all knowing suriel that you were to be not just my, but Prythian’s saviour. I know you. Felix knows you. Mor and Azriel and Cassian and Nesta are all obsessed with you and my parents could not be happier that I found you. To say you are anything less than the man that you are, the selfless, wonderful man, is an insult to all our intelligences and I will not stand for it. In the morning I will talk to her. This has got to stop.”

Eleana opened her mouth, but a knock at the door interrupted her. She sighed as she climbed from his lap. Behind her door were her mother and Morrigan. Her mother held two plates of food, and Mor had two mugs held by the handle in each hand.

“Hey there,” Feyre said gently. “We didn’t want you two going hungry.”

“Thank you,” Eleana said, letting them in.

The two women, both mothers in their own right, strode into the room. Mor put the drinks on the bedside table, and whispered quietly to Kaden, asking if he was okay. The question was accompanied with a hand to his forehead; she was checking his temperature. One might think that meeting Den would drive Mor’s motherly instincts away, but Eleana was glad to see that it only intensified her need to care for him as if he was her own. It made Eleana smile.

“We thought we would join you, if that’s okay,” Feyre said.

“The more the merrier, we’re family after all.”

/////

Eleana would never say she was a bully, but she may have used some of those tactics to force her cousin into showing her the plot of land her mate had very nearly bought.

They waited until he went hunting before Felix flew them to the site. It was quick by air, but Eleana could appreciate that anyone without wings or the ability to winnow would have a harder time getting there.

The land was exactly how he described it to be. Large, his spacious mansion would have fit and then some, on a cliff but with a forest in the distance. It was untouched by buildings and had the best view of Velaris she had seen outside of the sky.

She walked along the grassy plain and breathed in the fresh air – her body feeling light from the scent of salt and greenery that came with the wind.

“There’s stairs over there that go down, but I’m not taking you. I shouldn’t have to begin with. I do hope you know he’ll murder me if he finds out I did this.”

“Guess I’ll just have to sell my soul again to bring you back.”

Felix squeaked at the joke and put a hand over his heart.

“Too soon?” She raised a brow.

“Yes, I mean no. I mean do whatever makes you feel better about what happened. Pre and post possession.”

She laughed at the look on his face and turned toward the stairs. She didn’t really like joking about it, but she noticed how often Felix joked about his own experiences and how it genuinely seemed to help. She thought maybe if she tried the same thing it would work for her.

So far, not much success, but she also wasn’t as funny as her cousin.

She walked down the steps. They would definitely have to be replaced if they lived here. Maybe a spiral staircase would suit?

She walked onto the sand. It was chilly next to the water; she wrapped her arms around herself and continued to explore. There wasn’t a lot to see. It was nice, tranquil and private. One’s own little slice of the sea.

She told Felix she just wanted to see it, but she knew she was here for different reasons.

_____

“I think I lied to you,” she told Kaden.

He looked up from the report he was writing. It was nearly dusk and he had been doing this since he’d returned from hunting. They were the only one occupying the House of Wind and the place was eerily quiet.

“What about?” He didn’t seem fazed by her words, but he did put his pen down and focus on her.

“I’ve been considering your words – your thoughts about our future.”

Eleana had been reconsidering their conversation since she’d ripped into Amren. She had cornered her aunt a week ago, demanding to know why she had been terrorising her mate. Amren had some convoluted excuse that had very little validity and reeked of misinformation and miseducation. Eleana never liked to pull rank, especially with her family, but she made a formal order that Amren was to never broach the subject again. Eleana heard her concerns loud and clear, and this was her officially dismissing them. She also went on to explain how Kaden could not have done the things she accused him of, even went as far as to detail the Room so Amren could fucking understand where she was coming from.

Amren had been civil since.

“What have you been considering?”

“I would rather show you than tell you.”

He smirked. “How ominous.”

______

Kaden very quickly changed tone when he realised where they were going. He thought Eleana might have meant doing something flirty, maybe they would repeat what happened in the Day Court, but the last thing he wanted was to go to the land he forfeited.

She took them to the tree line so they could overlook the whole thing. She winnowed them right there, if they had flown he would have refused just to save himself the embarrassment.

“Eleana…”

“Hear me out,” she said. She pointed to the cliff’s edge. “We would have to build a fence. High. And put extra wards on it so that it can’t be flown over by young children. I don’t want anyone falling down there by accident. Funnily enough, I’m more worried Felix will do that when drunk than one of our children.” She started walking, beckoning along.

He followed, confused as hell, so he just stayed silent and listened.

“I thought this side could be the main garden. We’d have one out the front too, and there would be a little cobblestone path that led to out front door with flower arches around it so it’s like a little tunnel. I think that would look cute!”

He put his hand up to stop her from talking more.

She looked distractingly radiant. She was backlit by Velaris, the city sparking alive as the sun set. She outshone it though, with her navy hair blowing in the breeze and her violet eyes so bright.

She was talking about something she had already thoroughly shut down, so why were they here? Kaden didn’t understand.

“You don’t want this, you said as much.”

She clutched her hands to her chest. “I know. I guess the idea wasn’t in my head until you put it there.”

“I’m not sure what you’re saying.”

“I’m saying that I bought this land. I’m saying that I went to the Day Court and paid to have our home built from glass. I’m saying that I want to grow ancient with you here. I want to sit on a deck chair a century from now and have you dote on me hand and foot while I grow our baby inside me and that it might take time for me to be ready for children but hell I will be ready one day. I want everything with you, Kaden. The whole domestic shebang.”

She stepped in front of him. “I want to start living. And I want to do that with you.”

She stood on her toes and kissed him. She wrapped her arms around his neck to bring him closer, and Kaden’s knees shook at her touch.

She moved her lips to his jaw, one hand coming across his neck and to the top button of his shirt. “And just because I know how much you wanted to do this for me, I only paid for the glass, so I hope you’re ready to build the rest of the house because sleeping on only that will be awfully cold in the coming months, don’t you think?” she said, her voice high and bubbly from what could only be described as pure joy.

“You are someone I couldn’t even have dreamt of.”

She pressed her cheek to his, her hands slowly undoing every button on his shirt until she could scrape her nails down his chest.

“I’m ready. I want all of you.”

“I have always been yours.”

“No, Kaden.” She punctuated her words by grazing her hand over his length. “I’m ready. I want all of you.”

He caught her hand in his, bringing it to rest over his heart. “Eleana, you don’t have to do this. If I was rushing you in any way-”

“You have been perfect – utterly perfect. It’s something I wanted to do since the Day Court, that was when I knew I could handle it.”

He bit his lip to hide his smile, even if she was grinning at him. “There’s no bed,” he said.

His heart stopped as she pressed an open-mouth kiss to his chest. She dragged her lips down the skin she had just exposed until she was kneeling before him. His breath hitched as her hands undid his belt. He stood to full attention, watching her with wide eyes and feeling his arousal build.

When she slipped her hand inside his pants to let his length free, he shuddered.

“When have we ever needed a bed?”

And then her mouth was on him and he was unable to form words.

She was slow, as if taking her time to relearn exactly what made him tick. Her plump lips would swallow him until he hit her throat, her hand stroking the part of him her mouth couldn’t. No part of him went untouched, and his moan was so loud as he tangled his hands in her hair that he was surprised the ground didn’t tremble beneath him.

He groaned her name when he was on the verge of finishing. She pulled back, taking her mouth and hands with her.

She stood up and leaned into him so close that the friction of him touching her was nearly enough to make him climax.

His hands were still tangled in her hair, and he brought her lips to his and kissed her deeply. As he did so, their tongues dancing as he tilted her back to fully capture her, one hand came down and then up again until the next thing he was doing was lifting her shirt over her head. She was bare under her shirt, and her nipples were perked in the cool breeze. He dragged his mouth away and sucked one into his mouth, kneading the other breast with his hand.

Her pants come off, and then his, and then somehow she got him on his back with her straddling him.

“I love it when you say my name like that,” she moaned as she kissed down his body.

After licking his rose tattoo on his inner thigh, her ass curving up as if teasing him to where he had once sunk his teeth in, she made her way back up his body, aligning her hips with his as she did so.

She was over him, gripping him so she could guide him inside her when he stopped her with strong hands gripping her hips.

“Wait. We should go slow, take our time. Savour this.”

Her lips turned up. She ran one hand down his chest before running it up the centre of herself, making her fingers wet with her want. She levelled her head with his, those sinful fingers tracing his lips until he bit them, sucking them into his mouth and licking the juices from them.

“I’m tired of going slow. Aren’t you?”

“Yes,” he growled.

She smirked and aligned their hips again. She didn’t wait before lowering herself onto him. They both gasped at the contact, and Kaden nearly came just from the look that crossed her face as she took him to the hilt. It was the face of ecstasy – her head tilting back, her back arched and her breasts pushed out, her mouth parted and eyes fluttering.

It had him straining when he was already so close.

When she moved her hips forward and back in a rocking motion, he was undone.

He unravelled underneath her, her body the only thing keeping him tied to this earth as wave after wave of unmeasurable pleasure blasted him. With every movement a new piece of him was gone. With every sound from her mouth he was brought back. He could barely see through the haze that she created for him.

The only clear thing was her glowing body and the darkness that started to mix with his light, the two opposing forces joining together and wrapping around them seamlessly.

He couldn’t quite remember how to form words, or where they were or his name or anything else except this:

He loved her.

So, that’s all he said. Over and over and over again.

/////

The day Eleana moved out of her home, her father cried. She found it comical, considering they hadn’t lived together for the vast majority of the last eight years.

While their house had only just begun to be built, Eleana and Kaden decided they wanted their own space. Kaden loved living with Azriel and Mor, and Eleana too with her parents, but they wanted to take a step forward before having their very own house.

So they did something that Kaden had always intended to do but never had the chance to.

They moved in with Felix.

It was the first time Eleana had returned to camp since the war had ended, and stories of her involvement had spread like shadowfire. She expected to be sneered at, blamed for the deaths of the soldiers who had been lost, but somehow that was not what happened.

The person she suspected for that was her meddlesome cousin.

They knew of her possession. They knew Kaden had been the one to break her free of her entrapment. They knew she misted a town full of creatures and knitted back together the earth as if it were child’s play.

And that is what they focused on.

They had been with Felix for a month now and it was going swimmingly. Felix made every meal, Kaden did all the dishes, and Eleana kept the house clean.

Eleana started training again. She got her ass thoroughly kicked and her flying courses weren’t as flawless as they once were, but with every day she improved. She welcomed the ache in her muscles, the baths of ice and having her wings out all day.

Her and Kaden were sitting on their bed, Kaden kneading the knots from her back. Spread out in front of her were the plans to their house.

“I think it’s a good idea to have our room separate from the others. If we have a drawing room we can double it as a nursery while the children are still young, and it’s not like we’ll have to use it that way any time soon,” Kaden suggested.

“I agree. A play room would also be a good way to contain their mess. And if Felix goes here, it will be easy for him to baby sit. I like this flooring too. I think carpet will be better than floorboards in the bed rooms. I know it wears away a lot quicker, but it will also be freezing in winter.”

“Do you remember those hardwood floors the other day? I was thinking we could copy that.”

The conversation continued on until Kaden was done with the massage and they were both completely sure on their design. This house would truly be something to behold when it was finished, and Eleana couldn’t wait to have it all with her mate.

She looked at him. They were both still in their leathers, his hair tousled while hers was in a tight bun.

It was true that she wouldn’t have thought of this on her own. It wasn’t until she discovered Kaden wanted those things that she considered them herself. Although wary to begin with, now she’d fallen down a deep rabbit hole where she wanted everything at once.

Which was why there was one thing she desperately wanted to do but didn’t know how.

“Walk with me?”

He smiled. “Where are we going?”

She didn’t respond, just took his hand and led him from the room. They put their shoes and jackets on and left, their fingers loosely twined. She was debating whether to just do it tonight or wait. But damn if they hadn’t waited long enough already. All they did was wait.

They strolled along, Kaden happy to concede with her silence.

She stopped them eventually, in the middle of a path. It was night, so few were around but many windows were lit from the fireplaces warming the families.

Kaden didn’t ask where they were, but he did look around and note her odd choice.

“Is this where we first met?”

She nodded. “I was wondering if you remembered the place.”

He tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “Of course I do.”

Eleana argued with herself. She wanted to just do it, but the nerves she was feeling were overwhelming. It made her jittery, so much so that he fully faced her and took of his hands in his. He ran his thumbs over her knuckles.

“You all good?”

“I love you,” she gasped.

He smiled. “I love you.”

“We’ve never quite done things in order, have we?” She was going to do it. Now. Here. At the spot they met.

“No, I guess not.”

“I knew you were my mate the first time I saw you here,” her voice shook with every syllable. “But I fell in love with you long before it mattered. And you – you loveme. And you would, mateship or no. I like that that our bond came after. Every minute of falling in love with you I would want to repeat if I didn’t already fall more in love with you every day.”

He opened his mouth to speak, but she snapped a finger up to place over his lips.

“Let me finish this while I still have the courage,” she laughed nervously. “We did things out of order. And that was good.” Eleana was never good at eloquent speeches, but he was hung on every word. “I want to do everything with you. I never thought I would have a mate, but I do. I never thought I would build a home with someone, but I am. I never thought I could love someone like this, but I do.”

She cut herself off, not knowing how to voice her thoughts. She could just send them through the bond, but she wanted to say it aloud. She wanted them to be real, tangible words that she could shout from the sky.

“I want to do everything with you,” she said again, but slower, more carefully. “I know you’re my mate, but I always wished that one day I would have a marriage as beautiful as the ones I saw growing up. I always wanted a husband who was as strong as me, as smart as me, who was either as passionate about what I loved or passionate about my adoration.”

Kaden’s face crinkled in a smile. She could see tears start to line his eyes as he clued on to what she was trying to ask. He grabbed the hand covering his mouth and kissed her palm before resting it to his face.

“Yes. Yes. Yes.”

“I haven’t asked you anything yet.”

“Yes.”

She covered her face with her hand as she smiled with pure joy, her own tears matching his.

“Kaden?”

“Yes.”

“Will you marry me?”

“Yes.”

He smashed his lips to hers, their tongues and teeth clashing as they tried to exude all their excitement and love in that moment in a kiss. He swept her off her feet, his hands going under her knees as he picked her up like she was already his bride. He held her close to his chest, his lips never leaving hers.

He broke from her, panting. “My front pocket,” he said breathlessly.

“Huh?” She kissed him again, her hands tangled in his hair as she tried to get as close to him as possible.

“My pocket,” he said to her lips.

He put her down and fished into his pocket. Upon grabbing something miniscule, he sunk to his knees.

“I’ve had these since the first time I went to our home. I’ve been planning to ask you to marry me since.” He pulled out two matching rings and Eleana couldn’t help the sob that broke her chest.

It had been a long time since she had shed these kind of unadulterated, happy tears. Her heart had never felt so full. It was like her whole body was starting to defrost after being in ice for a century. He was the flame that made her fae again, aliveagain, and she loved him.

She fell to her knees. With shaking hands, she took the larger band from him and slipped it onto his left hand. She then took hers and inspected it, a fresh wave of emotion hitting her as she did.

“They match our crowns,” her throat was so tight it was nothing but a whisper. She then put it onto his finger, where it would remain for the rest of their immortal lives.

/////

The day Kaden and Eleana had their mating and marriage ceremony the city of Velaris was painted in blue and gold. Banners for the couple flew throughout the city, mixing with the orange and yellows of the fallen leaves of Autumn. There was singing in the streets, so elated and loud that you could hear it all the way from the holy temple sitting just outside the city’s borders. A temple that was once wasted in a war against kings and now sat proud outside the Court of Dreams. Throngs of fae flocked to see the Lady and Lord wed, a true union of the Day and Night Courts. A Lady bred from darkness and born to reign. A Lord conceived on the night of Sprits who could see the ones this world had lost.

Regal fell short when describing the pair. Eleana with a dress of gold and navy and Kaden with a matching suit, they wore crowns unseen of and crafted so well that no fae hands could replicate such a beauty. Eleana smirked at her mate as if she had a secret, as if to say I knew there would be an occasion to make you wear that crown.

As the priestess tied their hands together with the delicate, red, symbolic ribbon while they recited their vows, there was nothing but pride and love in the room. As they spoke, their words echoed for all to hear. It made her stoic parents cry, it made his newfound father and two mothers glow, and it made their best friend place his hand on his chest to contain the utter euphoria he felt that the two he loved most were finally happy.

They recounted to all how they fell into each other, hard enough to shatter stars and to break through the night.

When they first met, and she knew he was going to be important. Their first dance, where she fell and he caught her. Their first stolen kiss on the sacred day of Starfall. The first I love you at a wedding that was not theirs. When they admitted their mutual love for each other at a lake. When he came to Velaris and found not just a city where his heart belonged but a family he belonged to. When she gave him her soul. When he claimed it for himself and gave it back to her.  

In two years, they had lived a hundred year’s worth of life. They had fought for their love and happiness and against unattainable odds they had won.

And as the Lord and Lady looked at each other, the world stopped.

They were happy. They were in love. They were together. They were at peace.

***

This is the final chapter of ACOHAD, posted on the 29th of September, 2018. The first ever chapter was posted on the 29th September, 2016. This fanfiction spans roughly the same amount of time.

Happy anniversary ACOHAD, I'll miss you.

[queenpersephonesgarden]

Whumptober Day 10

Prompt: Bruises Fandom: Young Justice, DC comics Characters: Dick Grayson, Wally West Word Count: 1148 Trigger warnings: Child abuse.

The bruise, when he sees it, is huge.

Dark stains against pale white skin, mottled yellow and purple marks from healing and fresh wounds. It easily spanned at least two ribs; the outline, though vague, could have been boot-shaped.

“Dude!” Dick hissed in sympathy, nearly dropping the shirt he’d been trying to pull over his head when he glanced over and saw it in all it’s painful glory. “Yikes! Did something big go down in Central City?”

Nothing was on the news earlier to suggest that, but then again that doesn’t mean much; in their line of work, the threats that go unrecorded by the media tend to be the bigger, more fate of the world type deals, which could cause a panic if they were brought to the attention of the common citizen. Still, it was a bit of a bigger deal if it hadn’t even pinged a warning on the Batcomputer in case the League needed to be called in.

A small part of Dick’s brain is calculating an update for the system’s threat level assessment system while the rest of him is busy getting dressed faster to go find the first aid kit.

“Huh?” Wally says intelligently, before glancing down and seeming to notice the huge mark on his skin for the first time; it’s probably gone a bit numb because of his accelerated healing, but that’s still setting off a few of Dick’s inner warning bells. “Oh, shit, yeah. This? Nah, it was nothing major; just a run in with Mirror Master. One of his traps tripped me up and I nearly got crushed by a stage-light,” he says with a shrug and a careless wave of his hand, but Dick isn’t stupid.

If that had actually happened, Wally would have been complaining about it loud enough to hear from here to Metropolis, would have collapsed onto the couch with a dramatic cry of pain and demanded someone get him some ice cream because he couldn’t move.

But, Dick mused as he finished putting on his sunglasses, that might just be his Gotham-paranoid brain talking; it wouldn’t do anyone any good to go jumping to conclusions like this.

Still, he shot his friend a concerned glance, which Wally unfortunately noticed; sometimes, his long-term exposure to Bats could be a bit detrimental.

Wally grinned widely, and Dick desperately tried not to overanalyze how strained it looked. “No need to be gloomy, dude! Let’s go see if M’gann is done with those snickerdoodles, yeah?”

Well that’s a forcibly changed subject if he’s ever heard one.

But if Wally didn’t want to talk about it, Dick could respect that. For now, at least.

He returned the grin, and tried to ignore the guilt in his gut.

-

The next bruise he noticed is hard to miss, staining Wally’s lower jaw, and it shouldn’t be a big deal. They’re vigilantes; they get clocked in the face every other day.

But Wally is a speedster, with hyper-accelerated healing; any wounds he’d gotten yesterday should have been gone by now, unless he’d gotten them this morning, and nothing on the news suggested any supervillain activity in Central City so far today.

Dick doesn’t even bother to hide his staring until Wally gives him a nervous glance out of the corner of his eye, and he realizes the others will notice too if he doesn’t let up, and for a moment he’s tempted to say something to them, to draw attention, to get someone else to notice and agree that something should be done-

But he can’t do that to Wally in the middle of a good day, when he looks so happy, so Dick says nothing.

Again.

The guilt eating at his insides doesn’t go away, though.

-

After the second time there is a third, a fourth, but he finally draws the line upon catching sight of the fifth, inky dark and painfully painted from Wally’s collarbone to his shoulder, because there is being patient and there is being silent, and Dick absolutely refuses to remain so.

“You gotta talk to Barry, man.” He doesn’t mean to sound so blunt, but his temper has been simmering a bit too hot for a little too long, and what he really wants to do is scream and head to Central City with his escrima sticks, but that would be a disaster with a capital Dis, so this is the next best option.

Wally doesn’t look surprised when he says it; no, he looks tired, and resigned, which is so much worse, and the temptation to march toward the zetatubes is getting much harder to ignore.

“It’s not like that, Dick,” he mumbles, and Dick very nearly bites back bullshit, but raising his voice and getting mad are probably the two things he very much should not do right now, so he reins it in a little.

“Well, then what is it like?” he manages to keep most of the heat out of his voice, but his fingers are starting to shake and he’s not sure he can stop them.

Wally grimaces at his tone, and he would feel bad about that if he didn’t already feel like garbage for putting this off for so long.

He should have said something the first time, dammit. Maybe then Wally wouldn’t look so miserable.

The speedster’s face contorts into several unhappy expressions before lets out a frustrated groan. “It’s mostly me that starts it, okay?” he finally snaps, and Dick’s hackles are starting to rise before he reminds himself to stop getting defensive. “I say something, and it pisses Dad off, or makes Mom upset, and they start saying stuff that’s just completely untrue about the Team, and Barry, and the hero business in general, and I argue back and it-” Wally’s voice started shaking, and Dick was not going to cry, that would not help right now, “-it just starts escalating, and I don’t mean half of what I say but you know my mouth moves faster than my brain sometimes and then they just-!”

“Wally,” Dick interrupts flatly, leaning forward.

His very best friend flinches away from him when he starts to raise a hand, and Dick has to swallow hard to keep the bile down.

He can’t touch his shoulder, where the bruise seems darkest; instead, Dick grabs Wally’s hand between both of his and squeezes it tightly.

He tries for a smile. The anger and the guilt can be dealt with later; right now, Wally needed a friend, not an avenger.

“Whatever it is, I’ve got your back. I’ll help, any way I can. Please, seriously, can we go talk to Barry about this? Or Bruce, or Clark, or Dinah?”

Wally looks like he’s about to cry, and Dick doesn’t feel far behind on that.

It might take a bit longer to convince him, but it’s a start, at least.

[soullahsworldwithtea]

This is what i want to say

I havent healed from your manipulation, i havent heard from your words, i havent healed from your absence.I havent healed from your lack of defense. I havent healed from your lack of accountability. I havent healed from your selfishness. I dont know what i yearn for. I dont why. I think its because we share an inevitable connection with me being inside your womb. I am your child. But i have to be completely honest you’ve hurt me more than anyone in this world you dont even know what you did. You say you dont remember or whatever it is and that is a dead fight. Why do I express myself to you when you cant identify with how and why i am the way i am. How being outside when you kicked me out shaped who i am today. How i hate being sober because it reminds me that i am unhealed from this part of me. How i cant talk to you. Because I know you wont even make an attempt at understanding or you probably just forgot and im being dramatic. When im sober i am so angry with you. I feel like i give you grace, the mother i want i know is not consistent. You aren't capable of being that understanding mom that i need you to be for me.It really makes me wonder why i even came here. I know i wanted to start over but i couldve done that in new york. I think i was just feeling lonely a little. And this could be apart of my personal cycles everytime i try and properly reconcile and i get my hopes up everytime. But the cool thing now is im an adult. My inner child still struggles to use her voice because you never gave me one or always shut me down. Thats also probably why when we do get into conversations i always get super angry and ready to cuss or not say anything at all and go silent. Its my safety mechanism. I think its not fair that you disregards your children feelings but give everyone else compassion and grace. I remember one time you said the version of me that people speak of you cant relate to. I think the same goes for me. This soft version of you i don't know her. The version of you that see different perspectives. I don't know why you don't want to acknowledge certain things but God spoke to em and told me to mind my business. I don't wanna feel like im hurting no more or like im not enough so idk what im going to do next but i had to get these thoughts out first. Even if you cant identify with them. Even if when you start to read this you sighed and said to yourself ‘i dont have time for this drama’ even if it hurts. The way i feel still stands. This part of healing me not disregarding how i feel because you cant take it or cant identify. Thats unfortunate.

Ion know if imma send it. It’s heavy. But I sure do feel better identifying within self what’s been bothering me. My mom said if i come here I wouldn’t be able to smoke weed and if ya know ya girl I love a good spliff. I love smoking happy spliffs not all my spliffs are sad and depressing. But I have been doing it but it’s also how I’ve been coping to even have basic conversations with my parents. So I’m like navigating so many different emotions but this is literally all those emotions ina writing. I feel better. Taking a deep breathzzzzzz