#not thinking too hard just kinda here rn
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not sure what to exactly label myself as...
more of gender....kinda???
#.txt#thought maybe demi-gender#not sure tho#uhh idk if femme still fits me#um had this issue in the past before so idk#not thinking too hard just kinda here rn#tho i think im pretty chill with keeping lesbian as my label#for a second im like hmmm#but then i think deeper about other things and im like nah
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"Marchil? I guess I can see it on Chilchuck’s end, but what about Marcille’s? What makes you think she could develop feelings for him?" I’m glad you asked!
The first thing to note is that she does think highly of him
In the page on the right, literally defending his virtues and literally comparing him to Dalclan. And oh…
She does love a brooding mysterious guy who closes himself to love. But surely, Chilchuck isn’t her type at all, right? He’s not princely or knightly at all. In apperances certainly not, both looks wise and demeanor wise, but then that’s why she seeks to know him on a deeper level, to not only look shallowly.
And hmm. Chilchuck really is quite selfless isn’t he? Always looking out for others, and saving specifically her often, always making sure himself and, staying in or even running towards danger for her sometimes. Modesty is often considered heroic…
And can we talk about that drowning one… You can definitely frame the special attention as him knowing she tends to hesitate or be clumsy, and then his insistance on pulling her out of danger that she’s the healer aka the most important to keep alive, but. From the one who says that he just keeps his ass out of fights and won’t help this is a lot of risk to take, and he does die trying to pull her to safety in the dungeon rabbits chapter. And the drowning bit??? That’s when the dungeon collapses. The only reason they DON’T die of drowning here is that the water then gives way to outside. There was NO hope of pulling her to safety here and resurrections would likely not work either, he truly preferred to die with her than try to survive himself.
Sit your ass back DOWN you are in no state, self-sacrifical hero much damn
And Marcille definitely noticed this imo, after all she loves learning all she can about him, remembering things like how he hates waiting on people too. She pays attention to him and what he does and what he says. This to say that it’s notable, whatever reason for it you may think (though we know by this point at least she was already aware he was an adult though it wasn’t internalized), out of everyone it’s Chilchuck’s bed that she wants to sleep in during the Golden Kingdom stay. He’s safe and comforting to her: dependable, the defining trait in her view of him as is shown by the relationship chart in the Adventurer’s Bible.
^ Lending handkerchiefs is a romance trope btw and handkerchiefs have irl history of being used for courting. Especially in old English literature and plays like Shakespeare’s Othello, and personally I do see a lot of Shakespeare in Dalclan (nobility political drama with some romance). There’s how his cowl is a dearly beloved souvenir from his family too, there’s a lot of aesthetic tropes you can apply to him.
All this to say you can 100% romanticize Chilchuck into a princely noble guy if you try and that’s exactly what Marcille does with the wife roleplay. She doesn’t need much in the first place, she latches onto crumbs and makes aesthetic narratives out of details, give her an inch she’ll take a mile.
But what’s interesting about the shift throughout the arc of her and his relationship is that she starts out idealizing him into a little angel of a kid (shapeshifter), and she ends it idealizing him as a virtuous husband and family man instead.
And what’s doubly interesting is that in the former, she’s actively warping who he is personality and demeanor wise to fit the aesthetic, he doesn’t have that bitter pride of not asking for help and the edges have been smoothened. But what she does during the wife roleplay is something else, she acknowledges the flaws and just… Accepts them, rolls with them. She’s aware of his flaws and implements them into the narrative, but the reason why his wife left doesn’t capitalize on them even, rather Chil is chilblivious and his wife loves him very much still, she’s just testing him after having had a night of feeling out of place at his side.
And this is what separates the idealization vs romanticization, she’s not twisting him into someone else she’s just uplifting what he is and focusing on the good sides.
Marcille: "he has a shitty personality sometimes but if he was my husband I’d still cherish him" "If I were your wife I’d be overjoyed to go out with you and would get myself prettied up while you complain about me taking a long time, your friends would tell me that I’m nice and that’d make me happy, but I’d also be sad because you wouldn’t tell me that you love me enough"
He’s angry and his wife left him, he’s *flawed*, but he’s still worth hyping up, still worth having his own romance story, still has a shot of winning back his beloved. She sees him for what he is, human and real and not a carefully scripted character that fits an aesthetic, and she thinks it’s still worthy of love and admiration and fighting for
And what’s funny too is that you might expect her to cool down on him once she learns more about him but actually she only gets increasingly into his business. You tell her your age and next thing you know you promise to introduce her to your family. Give her an inch she takes a mile. And too the thing is, Senshi is equally mysterious but she doesn’t pester him like at all, asks him ONCE about his succubus and he doesn’t even answer and that’s like… It. With Chilchuck it starts off innocently enough with her wanting to know his age, hometown, the stuff she mentions having asked pre-canon. But it just keeps and keeps going and escalating. Think she’ll be satisfied now knowing you have a wife and kids, maybe she’s disillusioned now? Wrong! She wants to know their names and ages and occupations and hey how did you propose to your wife? Do you think she’ll stop after meeting them? What’s next? What will she want to know next????
She’s… Like it’s not a reach that Marcille is all over him. Like it doesn’t mean it’s romantic but she just is. She is not normal about him idk. Can you not ask him about what tongue technique he used when first kissing his wife, give the man breathing room
Marcille could literally go "if I was Chilchuck’s wife" having deeply pondered and thought out the hypothetical and people would still ask where anyone sees any romantic potential between them. Oh wait
There’s a platonic explanation for everything (almost?) in Dungeon Meshi don’t say I’m saying otherwise, but it’s definitely not like there’s nothing here to read into lol
Going off a bit more under read bc it’s my fave topic
Marcille has a whole theme with the charming prince trope with her idealization and storybook motif and Chil is kinda the "Well someone perfect like that isn’t very realistic and romance is usually more complex and that’s ok and good and flawed people can still be ✨virtuous✨" catalyst
Do you see do you see she starts canon thinking the most romantic thing is a prince charming but her arc in the end has her romanticizing an average, flawed, real and realistic family man, who’s on the poorer side and is on the verge of divorce. And that’s what he needed, too, seeing the positive of himself and the situation instead of focusing on the negative is explicitly what inspires him to hope that he might be able to reconcile with his wife, gives him the courage and self-esteem to shoot his shot.
He IS a prince figure instead that now it’s not about idealizing the grand and overt it’s about romanticizing the small things in real life!! About finding joy and beauty in things that seem normal or mundane and uplifting them to make the world feel kinder!!!!
He’s the devoted virtuous man that she wantsss not the storybook prince that’s unrealistic and could crumble like a script at any time. He’s the perfect example of a flawed realistic but virtuous & devoted & loving man. Far from a prince charming, but not fully detached from it either. Something worth fighting for despite the flawed cracks. Like literally, flawed romance being worth fighting for is literally the finale of Chilchuck and Marcille’s arc on the matter, where their separate arcs and issues intersect at the most crucial moment.
Marcille is important to Chil’s arc not only because of her optimism, but also because of her interest and knowledge in romance & matters of the heart, and that’s what he needs to both open his heart up to hope and to try to reconcile with his wife, like idk sounds gay
Their arc together is literally learning to 1) see each other for how they are and not undermining their qualities capacities etc etc while still not leaving flaws unchecked either and 2) opening up to people. Marcille LITERALLY makes Chil open his heart up to hope like idk man. What do you want from me. He’s literally the guy helping her through deconstructing novels and fantasy and rose tinted glasses and like. Deconstructing the prince charming figure into something more real but still romantically beautiful like KUI KUI STOOOOP STOP I’M ALREADY HOOKED I’M ALREADY-
Ok fine that’s me reading into the tropes too much forgive me for being storybook brained but like. Speaking his heart out to a lone woman on a balcony, Romeo and Juliette shit, asking if she, too, doesn’t want to meet his family, madly blushing. And like she’s learned with Chilchuck it’s all in the little things, all the implications he cannot speak aloud. She does reciprocate, does blush madly back, and the first thing she does is shower him in flowers and jewelry and what in her heart is coded as romantic gifts
A lady, stashed away in a high tower by her lonesome, waiting for someone to call out to her from below… Romeo courting type shit with an offer, a heartfelt spiel, implicit confession from underneath her balcony. Offering him flowers because he succeeded in calling out to her heart…….. And they have to climb to her too…. Crazy
Doesn’t it sound like a proposal. One that’s both so storybook-like and not, contrastedly real and grounded, all about the implications rather than in your face grand gestures, "Don’t you want to meet my family?". They literally have an arc about the topic of romance and this is the climax/pinnacle of it like god?? This is @ the woman who said "Chilchuck is a shy/bashful man so I know he wouldn’t tell me he loves me, but…" btw
To quote a friend, truly the shiny secret unlockable dating sim capture target : THE DUNGEON LORD BIT WAS SO FUNNY BECAUSE HE KNEW SHE'D TAKE IT HOOK LINE AND SINKER HES THE ONE WHO GOT HER TO TURN AROUND COMPLETELY SHES LIKE. WIDE EYED FLAG RAISED???? FLAG RAISED WITH CHILCHUCK 👀👀👀‼️👀👀‼️👀
And the way that this is the culmination of their arc together… Like people are not ready for the ‘Chil calling out to dunlord Marcille on the balcony has Romeo and Juliette romance novels imagery’ take. Or the ‘their arc is about growing to see beauty even in the non-idealized, in the flawed and in the real’ take which makes it so so perfect if she were to lower her ideal from a charming elven prince to a virtuous halfling man (which she does end up romanticizing)
So there, you got to witness in real time what happens when I think about marchil for longer than 2 minutes, there are so many layers it’s a deranged rabbithole. I saw the necronomicon of subtext and it’s driving me to madness with forbidden knowledge that no one else sees
……. Like what if I told you she implicitly picked Chilchuck over a "unrealistic prince charming who’s actually disingenuous" much earlier in the story already. If she was given the choice to think through going with a guy that seems perfect and chivalrous like her succubus she’d pick Chilchuck over the other actually. If I sound insane rn tune in for my full analysis on them coming this month hopefully thank youu. Interwoven arcs of fantasy vs reality and idealization vs pessimism I love youuu
So now you know the general thesis of my planned analysis about the importance of the prince charming figure in Marcille and Chilchuck’s arc, where she romanticizes things to a sometimes worrying degree or idealize people into something easy and digestible and poetic (like Chil being a kid, and then him being a virtuous ✨✨✨husband), and how she needs to value aesthetics less and actual acts and facts more, be more grounded (like seeing people for what they are flaws and all, and accepting that people need money and not pulling through on principles of honor or unity shouldn’t get Namari shamed) and a part of that is accepting that Chilchuck is BOTH flawed and virtuous, a loving husband that still has shitty moods and fumbled his marriage so bad etc etc. So it’s like, her image of perfect prince charming that will whisk you away on an ethereal romance -> realistic flawed middle aged dad with personality issues and a failing marriage but he still is worthy of love and having his cute grand romance story and his happy ending. Ik I keep repeating the same point through this but I need it to be burned into everyone’s brains it has its grip on me I can’t do this. They are so special……
#Someone did ask (on discord) btw i’m not just being a smartass though I do love being that too#This is stuff I cover in my upcoming marcille & chil arc analysis except here I can go full romo and don’t keep the strictly platonic angle#It’s at like 15k words rn I think. The 30 pics limit is killing me which is why I started asking my friend to do collages of panels for me#Sob#I keep alternating between it and the Falin analysis save me. Should be dropping soon idk i might test out having a beta reader for that on#Marchil foreplay is 2 years of being coworkers and slowly worming personal questions out of him until he blinks and she has#a key to his house#Dungeon meshi#marchil#marcille donato#chilchuck tims#like they’re so so funny look at this shit. Nonconsensual romanticizing of you as a person. Obsessive interest in your personal life#She’s latched so hard onto the “mystery” of him they’re deranged#MAYBE ITS ALL COMPROMISES MAYBE ITS ALL SWEET INBETWEENS <3#maybe we'll take our vision of what we thought we could be and make something new together. something for just us#Fumi rambles#Maaan Marcille’s ‘idealizing him into liking him even for all his flaws bc his personality is often kinda shitty’ arc’#and Chilchuck’s ‘prejudice against elves and mages and optimism into respect and trust’ arc are everything to me#Meta#Spoilers#Dungeon meshi manga spoilers#Tagged this so late oops#It’s so funny. She’s canonically wondered how Chil would be like as a lover#No no but like do u see. Fantasy is a key part of her chrcter and arc and he’s the foil to that he’s the thing that comes challenge it
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Had a dream that Olruggio confessed his feelings to Qifrey and after a moment of shock and oh, that explains everything now ala that zoomed-in eye moment from Kitchen, - they kissed a bunch. But then Qifrey tried to convince Olly that they should wipe their memory of the night because things are too complicated rn for a relationship, and Olly was like... "You're a terrible man for making me have to go through confessing again," and wondering if maybe they've done all this before.
And Qifrey was like, "well, maybe I was the one who confessed last time?" and Olly just stares at him like, no way. Because Olly would never have agreed to erasing their memories if he had witnessed Qifrey saying it.
So Qifrey pulls out a paper with the seal on it and gives a half-assed speech about how 'maybe in the future when things are more settled, then they can...' and Olly just watches him, knowing something is off but unable to piece together why. But he gives him another kiss and says he'll be holding Qifrey to it.
They each hold half of the paper and complete the seal. And then... wake up at the kitchen table, the paper a pile of ash beside them.
#Orufrey#I would turn this into a fic but I HAVE TOO MANY WIPS RN! NO!#So here enjoy my dream 💗#Anyway I think this would be a great compromise/solution to the Are They Together Or Not question because the answer is Yes! And Also No!#Because it feels a little insane that they could be so close for so many years and not??? Even a little???#I get that Qifrey is the equivalent of a Scalewolf and hard to approach without scaring him off#My god there was a year where all of the Qifrey bonus art had him pictured with scalewolf motifs - I get it!#But also! You cannot convince me that Olly never found a moment to kiss him#Witch Hat Atelier Kitchen pushes the limits of how gay they can be without kissing#and I just think it would be neat if there was a romantically messed-up reason for why that is ❤️#Hehehe#Jade talks WHA#Kinda
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god i finally watched new episodes my honest reaction is jgiwoaoKzmxmkwkakkak
#it kinda doesnt feel real for me idk why#like i do not actually process all of it??#tho I DO have ideas and thinking i did pay attention#maybe i've just had a wild day i guess#but also oh god vex'ahlia broke my heart#twice#first time were when scanlan was talking how he couldn't be at two places at the same time to help 'em and she said nobody gives a fuck#i feel so bad for scanlan rn i love him#haven't watched campaing to the bard's lament yet but oh fuck im too spoiled i do know what happens where (a little bit)#the second time was when she said she really cares for percy i started crying at that moment#also im a lil bit disappointed cuz i thought we would get percys death and vex's spech but we got “i open the door completly naked” scene ->#and im very happy we got it like oh wow i didn't expect that#but idk im just a girl and i love percahlia's slowburn#since i watched 64 eps of actual campaign it become hard for me to not compare campaign and tlovm cuz obviosly its very different#but with percahlia in tlovm we don't have hours and hours of campaign context#(we don't have percy making her arrows)#and i understand why cuz 100+ streams 3+ hours each is one thing and animated series with 12 eps of 25 minutes is another#but as i said previosly it is very hard for me to not compare it#by the way i do think changes in tlovm make sense#cuz like?? i think vex is more sharpy in tlovm than in campaign?? like#like she punced scanlan in first season and in campaign they are kinda good friends and i really love them??#*punched#and i think she's more ?? bossy i guess?? idk how to put it into words but in my head it makes sense “i open the door completly naked” ->#goes earlier than “i shouldve told you its yours” cuz shes playing pretend even more than in campaign???#acts like its casual when its actually isnt AT ALL#and im glad percy said “what is it i want” to vex cuz its kinda like that scene in campaign when percy talked to vax#when he called them all family for the first time and said he's trying to find what he wants in life#i love percy and vax dynamic btw#i wanted to write even more here but apparently i can do only 30 tags wtf#they want me to actually write posts oh no. hate to put it all in tags but im too nervous abt posting on the internet
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hi!! as some of you may have noticed, this february i participated in jasico bingo, organized by @jasico-challenges. true to title, it was in fact challenging, but it was also fun and rewarding and i wound up surprising myself with how much i wrote (more than 20k!!)
soooo here's my bingo card, and linked below are all the fics i wrote. miraculously, i did get bingo! and i would like to state for the record that while i didn't finish something for each prompt, i started things for a few of them, which hopefully i'll eventually finish and post. my jasico journey is not over yet :)
quick shoutout to @jankwritten, doing this was 100x more fun once i got to yell with you about it
i know you feel safe under my skin - prompt: forced proximity || tumblr link
like a burst of technicolor in a world of black and white - prompt: painting nails || tumblr link
take in every moment (hold it close again) - prompt: movie night || tumblr link
you are a wildflower garden growing in my head - prompt: jason remembers nico || tumblr link
pure gold - prompts: cooking, PTSD, holding hands, first kiss, near-death experience, painting, falling in love || tumblr link
this is the first bingo challenge i've done, and i had a great time. it was def challenging but also really fun and it got me writing more than i would have otherwise. so yeah! thanks to everyone who read my silly little fics :) xoxo
#jasicobingochallenge2024#stuff#ngnghgbgh#fighting tooth and nail not to say too much here#but i had fun it was hard but good#and hopefully im even more ready for the next time i do a bingo thing#ill be honest im like. kinda out of it rn as i post this so i can't think of anything particularly coherent to say#so imma just not say anything xoxo#jasico#pjo
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#hi back for now bc it's fall break and I'm stuck on campus#trying not to complain about it but I've been having stomach issues for at least the past couple of weeks#it's been acting up since I got here but the past few weeks and specifically the past few days it's become a lot more intense#I made an appointment with the medical clinic here on campus and they're treating me with something for a possible stomach ulcer right now#I have a follow-up in a couple of weeks#I'm struggling to keep on top of all my thoughts and feelings and emotions right now too#which may be causing or compounding the stomach issues. honestly who knows.#all I know for sure rn is that I feel very tired and worn out despite it being fall break#and I wish I didn't feel this way#kinda sad and very tired#it's a perfect opportunity to catch up on school work that I've fallen behind on. and yet I feel completely unable to even think#about school. hhhhh. ����#it's been such a hard year guys. and I don't want to complain or wallow but I wish I could just break down have a good cry#or a screaming fit if needed#just get it all out#and then maybe I'd be able to cope a little better#unfortunately I'm not sure that's how it works. so I guess I'm stuck feeling like this for now.
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[staring out the window but it's just a sticker on the wall] i actually need to make something right now or i'll espode
#just me hi#didn't really do anything yesterday and i have some neat ideas that i haven't gotten around to because of the Sludge#but ouuuu Aura.....#yea..#//also think i want a sweet drink rn#prolly soda ngl. favorite poison :3#//i had to reset my computer (bugging out) and for some reason it signed me out of everything ? boop ??#anyway so that means ytm autoplay got turned back on. which i rarely enjoy but i don't have the power to turn it off rn so i'm just#tolerating everything that comes on loll#which i'd Like to say it's like the radio but i really really like the station i listen to often and i Understand it's gonna be a roulette#//OH YEAAA i forgot about my mp3 project !! !!!!#so i think i mentioned it can hold images too which is Sickkkk and you can put the images on a slideshow which is even cooler#and bc you can listen to audio while doing that at the same time i was thinking well this is just infinite potential here. this could be#everything khfbvshg :333#i wanna try a shorter + smaller story first.. prolly a short ghost story cuz spooky is just easier for me to do lol#ik what the visuals will prolly look like but the audio cues are where i'm a bit Hmmm abt em hfshg#i'm thinking i could put All of the audio in just like 2-3 files (for tutorials on how to use the machine for the story :) ) which isn't#hard#and cuz if you need to pause for whatever reason it's next to impossible to figure out where you are properly meant to be anyway#Yeaa i'll prolly do that :)#but if it turns out well i want to do some more complicated stuff!!#like i was thinkin and there's like a second between each pic where it could look like smth is just Kinda animated#which could be really cool and offsetting in the right spots :33#i'm really excited abt it hbfhsv - prolly cuz it feels like a new medium which always gets my gears moving lol :>#//anyway i'm gonna run out of tag space in a sec lol--#just realized the reason i tend to have my last tag cut off at the end is bc i forget to count my talk tag as. a tag. lmfvsfhvjsf#anyWay yea!!! toodles ^w^
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Should i start posting multifandom stuff?
Idk I've always hyperfixated on one fandom REALLY hard for like 1-3 yrs (warrior cats -> mha -> danganronpa -> dsmp/osmp -> qsmp -> hermitcraft?)
But idk currently my brain isn't like violently latching onto any fandoms and making my entire identity revolve around it. Hermitcraft is cool n all but no matter how hard i try, my hyperfixation on it isn't as strong as i want it to be :<
So i though i might like, branch out a bit? Imma prob still mainly post hermitcraft, but i might occasionally mention dungeon meshi, saiki k, bbc merlin and some other stuff! (more in the tags)
!!!IF YOU GUYS WATCH ANY OF THESE, LEMME KNOW!!! or if you have any suggestions for other mcyts / animes / video games that i might find cool :D
#multifandom#Heres all the fandoms im semi interested in rn:#hermitcraft#the disastrous life of saiki k.#dungeon meshi#life series#empires smp#stardew valley#bbc merlin#I think that's it?#I'm not sure tho#God i crave another hyperfixation I NEED THAT EXCITEMENT AND HAPPINESS IN MY LIFE#like yeah sure it sucks when i forget to eat n sleep n shit bc of that stuff#But it makes me so happy!!! I genuinely miss having sth i can think about 24/7#Like i do have art but thats more of a special interest and it's kinda hard to engage in fandom stuff about that#I just need a new fandom to read fics from :(#adhd#actually adhd#(also autistic hence the spin but that's still undiagnosed so im too anxious to tag it wkrhkwen)
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i have so many feelings and i hate it
#and regrets of any time ive acted up or feel like in hindsight it wasnt cherishing the time i have w them as i shld be and#and things i want to do with them still and ways to love them and be loved and understand their way of loving and#i think we can be so good together and. i miss them. and i hope they miss me.#i really hope theyll miss me soon and want me again and . ik its maybe a little messed up but i want to believe and trust and#its hard and it hurts but. i really feel theres a great connection and if i need to chill out a bit and remember myself more thats fine#and on me for getting so like. moody recently. altho i kinda feel like part of that is med changes but u__u still i need to be able to like#be better and i think they make me better and so happy and. im so comfortable with them and i love them and i wld want to make it work#even if it had to be distance but i dont think i want to just be their friend like maybe but it would hurt a lot bc i love them so much#and i hope they wanna be with me too still and will allow me to romance them yknow flowers and adventures and love and take care and... yea#and maybe some of this was just them going thru a lot rn and im sorry for adding pressure to it and i want to be the comfortable respite an#auurgrgghfhdhdhhfhfdhh i miss them#i just keep thinking abt them like ill have periods of not but then i do again and. idk.#theres also a lot of complicated feelings and thoughts and its like i want to like. idk. know some of their friends n stuff n. :^( idk#i dont feel well from the stress and emotions and ow of it all#i really hope it isnt just a way for them to let me down i really hope they come back eventually like i wanna believe they will but#ourgsghthfhdhfhghghdhdhwkelftk4bfbhwiwjtjejAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#i love them a lot. and need to listen more abt more alone time stuff bc it is good for both of us but not like this u_u#ok sorry for rambling i needed somewhere to write feelings so here we are#i guess part of me is hoping theyre thinking abt me at least a bit and maybe will check this and see it and be like wow i do miss them too#but ik thats silly and eitth3u2ieigjtb4jirifjwji24jgntn aahhhhhhhhhhh. i say a lot of things wrong esp when scared or overly emotional and.#urgevshehrhtjrjeitjtnjeeitjtjwjeiigvjiw9384847rhfbwjoe4j4n4j289djrnrnf#i just really really hope they come back soonish and like want me and are like yes i do want you sorry for that but not a huge sorry bc#like i understand where theyre coming from and. and. yeah. idk. soon doesnt have to be today or tomorrow but maybe a week or 2 idk#i just realy miss them and it hurts and i really dont want them with someone else or to just throw it all away andni want to prove i can#like. idk. love them and be better and more positive i guess we've both been dealing w a lot of stuff and i do need to learn to accept and#more patient w how we communicate differently and we do have to face that but its a difficult topic to confront ig and aurh4hwhshhrlffff#i think they love me i want to trust and i really hope they dont try to make any decisions for me or like based on what they think best 4 m#bc i get to decide that :^(#when i said let down i meant like. leave my life and never talk to me again and stuff.. ;^(. idk how to feel abt some things but. idk. idk.#theres so many feelings and that all is just a pretty vague tip of the iceberg ugh
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the funniest thing about being bi and having a self-shipper partner + qpp who are both mainly/exclusively attracted to men is that when they see a neat woman they immediately look at me and go ‘bee you should selfship with her’ I love it
#sea thoughts#I’m some form of Demiro I think so crushes are hard to come by and especially ones that stick#so it makes me kinda sad in a way bc I wanna have fun and kiss fictional guys too!#I mean I already kind of do. Moxxi Borderlands is… c.cool#and also Holly and Butler :o) it’s polyamory btw. So cool#also I kind of wanna make an oc to kiss Mama amnesty?? That would be fun. I like her#why do I have like. A specific thing for women with thick southern accents who have butch swag.#I could also kiss Aubrey n Hollis too methinks.#also weirdly enough I have the instinct to ship my adventure time oc Princess wizard with raggedy princes??#she deserves someone who will listen to her poetry#I think it’s pretty neat :o)#also the Mad Moxxi kissing would be ESPECIALLY FUNNY considering my boys selfship with HANDSOME JACK LMAO#The image of two couples walking side by side and the one person from each looks over at each other in absolute disgust with the#bisexual flag overlayed on top of them and an arrow pointing to them that reads ‘exes’. It’s that#the oc concept I have is a . I don’t remember the name for mushroom specific biologist rn but they’re that#That almost fucking died and fused with a sentient mushroom colony. Normal Pandora moment#they met Moxxi (before almost dying) because they went to her bar for (and guess what)#A PLACE TO WORK WHERE THEY WOULDNT BE BOTHERED LMAO#THEY JUST LIKED THE BG NOISE AND WERE LIKE “ok well I mean. It’s moxxi’s. People are here for… reasons. If I just sit all the way in the#back here where it’s dim people will leave me alone.”#And I think they end up staying til closing and moxxi almost misses the fact they’re there before she’s like “???who tf is this lanky littl#nerd doing WORK back here?? AT MAD ME’S?? HELLO?”#ohbmu god they’re rhack but yuri and less toxic. That was on accident. Oh my god#anyways something something a line from a fic I read once#”the only people allowed in the back room at Moxxi’s were either very generous donators or people who were as cute as a button”#Um. Yea#If you know what fic it is don’t look at me#I’m 18 now I do what I want. Bitch#Anywaysss back 2 work
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I'm on hiatus from thinking for the next while. Discursive and analytical fandom practices I love you so so much you are in everything I do, including the silliest of headcanons and comics but FUCK I am not equipped to think about. Anything right now
#ramblings of a lunatic#tbh my art muscles are exhausted too so i think I'm just gonna. be a bottom feeder for a little while.#like a deep sea creature letting plankton drift into it's mouth on the ocean floor yknow#hard to do when half your dash is about stuff u are not a part of and the other half is abt the fandom that's in hiatus#and approaching it's finale (and the end of a show should NOT be the end of a fandom it should NOT but. i know how these things play out)#and i can't just rewatch the episodes bc I've literally seen them too many times now#and watching them is like. oh hey episode! blink. it's over#bc everything is MEMORIZED AT THIS POINT#the obvious answer would be to go watch something else rn but i keep TRYING AND IT'S NOT WORKING. I ONLY WANT THE SPRINTEREST RN#but i also don't if that makes sense. i want the spinterest to be new but also comforting and different but also the same#aka i want a new episode to release bc i dislike the quiet fandom during hiatus BUT i don't want it to air bc then the show is over#so I'm just kinda. sitting here. frustrated#sitting on all my art and text posts bc I'm in a funk rn and none of them feel Right™#bc (CIRCLING BACK AROUND TO THE ACTUAL BODY OF THIS POST) they're all my usual hc/analytical fair#but i like to always have a good sense of character when i make those but those require REWATCHES FOR ME and i CAN'T REWATCH#BC OF ALL THE ABOVE THINGS I MENTIONED#oh man. i feel a bit better writing it down though. getting it out there somewhere in a semi-articulate way#I'm not done with my current hyperfixation- far from it depending on how the show ends- I'm just pre-bummed about the finale#and how it's gonna impact the fan environment that normally supplements my own fan activities like rewatches fanart etc#ohhhh my god that felt good to explain#it's to no one in particular but it felt good. this talking about your feelings shit actually works man#anyway please pray for me that i go to sleep some time tonight bc i slept for 5 hours in the middle of the day#after staying up the previous night#and i do not wanna throw my sleep schedule too far outta wack#(i think..i need to watch more movies? less commitment than series but distract me for a good bit. send reqs ig!)
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What's up gamers I'm bored
#rat rambles#Ive been in my 3d animation class for 2 hours and Im gonna be here for another 2 hours god help me#I have a decent start of a draft for our current 2d animation assignment but I am now kinda burnt out so Im taking a break#which ofc means Im bored as hell I should have brought snacks fr#idk I might dip out of class for a sec to buy some since I think theres some vending machines on campus?#idk where tho I forgor#I also do feel like I need to keep pushing forward tho since ngl I havent even touched this project before today#and I wasnt at the last class so idk I feel like I need to prove Im trying or smth#idk either way Im tired and bored and wish I was playing rainworld rn#also Im animating some of my slugcat ocs! the mama cat boon accidentally possessed and her two kids#I was originally gonna animate different characters but then I decided to stick with some simpler designs to make things faster#like I Could animate more humanoid designs but given Im already behind I dont wanna risk it#rly my biggest issue is having to animate at 24 frames per second Im more used to animating at 15#its not too hard its just gonna be frustrating filling out the like 300 frames I need to do#obviously Im gonna pad with loops and stills this is an animation class after all the teacher will get it#but still thats a lot of frames to figure out what to do with
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can i be honest for a second...
we not staying silly :(
we seriously sad and sopping...
#today has just been. the best it could be.#which sadly does not mean i'm doing good :)#i kinda wish i was drunk right now#sometimes i wish i wasnt a bipolar schizophrenic queer hobo. but then would i really be me? i have to be me. it's my curse.#i shouldnt complain though. i really shouldnt. im not dead. and im not set back in life.#im hovering just above rock bottom. this bird flies using sheer rage rn.#but please dont let me bring you down. just have a good day okay?#i dont want to make this all about me.#just know if you're having a hard time i am right there with you like the patron saint of hard times.#one must imagine sisyphus happy#because if he can find happiness. than anyone can.#if i can get through this. i believe you will too. whatever it is.#we're going to get through this. that's what she always said.#i wish she was here to tell me that right now. sometimes i think she is.#tommorow is another day...#we're going to get through this.#we will stay silly once again :3#hexacles.txt
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#had an okay writing day for my thesis yesterday and it was a rly nice day overall and then idk. rsd hit i guess and#i went to sleep way too late so ofc today i've been feeling foggy and i haven't written a word and it's 6pm like..............#makes me feel like i wasted the work i did yesterday and i should've gone to my grandpa's bday celebrations yday#even though that didn't feel viable. he sure made me feel like shit for missing it too!#it just feels like see i could've gone and done yday's work today or some shit which ?? but sure#i just know myself and im p unbearable to be around rn/when im stressed/on a deadline so yk. + travel time + adjusting plus socialising...#also had a long talk w/ my friends yday and it was nice and it was all about how you experience consciousness but also idk.#also i keep being so sharp and kinda mean to one of my friends and it's sooooooooo she says it's fine and it's not that bad but ughhhhhhh#im sure the core of this spiral is i just rly don't like myself and i think im right not to so like. what now#and none of this even matters like. get it toGETHER#also adhd meds aren't magically fixing my life so that's another scam (but ok they DO help at least i can actually write and think then)#anyways.#i think it's. feeling this & hating myself and my friend talking about how they're past that and life is still hard for them#and it's not about me but it does make me feel stupid like true all my problems are self-made not even circumstancial like.#also feel like i keep saying the wrong thing to people and i keep messing up my words lately and boooooooo idk#anyways im ok i just don't wanna moan abt this to anyone specifically but clearly im stuck so yk?#should i share more nice moments here too??? i just always feel like whatever emotion im feeling disappears when i share it so???#maybe bc i overthink it then or whatever#but i can!! maybe i should#for yday: had a rly rly fun convo with a friend who gave me the wildest updates ever + spent time with 2 of my best friends#+ smelled the flowers and that v v specific spring to summer air and felt the sun on my face#FINE maybe therapists have a point
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i dont feel like dating like not at all lmao but i do wish i had someone i could just spend my entire day having conversations with ..
#i feel very very lonely#and i am aiming to have less screen time#but i struggle still to do things on my own#so it would be lowkey helpful to have someone to go through this journey with me#like learning new things and going new places#it could be a friend and i wish it was a friend but all my friends are in such different points in their lives#i just need to find joy in living again#im only surviving i wake up i do nothing all day i only think about when im sleeping again#and the best part of my day is when im in my bed ready to go to sleep#like i wish i could go thrift and go to some park and museums and restaurants and try new sports/activities#i hate that i stay home all day everyday#also i need to find hobbies and activities i can do from home too#but my point here is i need someone to live life w me#i can do everything on my own but i dont want to#i want someone to share beautiful experiences with me#i really wish i had a best friend that lived closed to me and would be there for me you know#im not shitting on my friends is just the only friend that i feel is my soulmate is going through so much rn#and i also feel kinda guilty for not truly being there for her but its so complicated#adult life is hard#i really think i should be doing more i just dont know how to help or even if she needs help#she seems to be avoiding me in a way i just dont know#hmm i guess i just want a clone of myself :)
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#watching the stream of some random choir just cos i miss *#but like kakendnjjsnfjdjfndjjf i just i miss her i loveeeee qatching her play😭😭😭😭#dec 7 2024#dec 9 2024#i miss her soooooo bad like so bad rn#ok uhhhhh if i really m*ve kn 2026 um it's just hitting me how soon that freaking is like that's only three semesters of harp left like not#even including anything else idk it's just hitting me really hard and emo tonight only three left ?????????????????? three years is actually#so short now that i'm looking at it from the middle it's so short and i'm kinda panicking it's so soon i can't#summer me is a different creature than winter me i fear oh my god like i can't fathom#and i Know there's texting and facetime etc and i will keep in touch with everyone here as i've done w hometown friends but my god it's so#SOON#and i miss her. so there's that#dec 10 2024#ughhhhhh i miss her so much#oh god girl who is ** pages deep into google..........#terrible news i found her m*l's blog...................... i'm screaming it's so cute i'm dying#this is very very very very very very very very very very very very bad#parasocial relationship........#dec 11 2024#oh god this is truly. the worst i've ever been#......#dec 12 2024#planning to go to nutcracker anyways keeping my expectations low and not reaching out💯💯#like sorry i can't stop thinking abt her two cats i'm going to kill myself#dec 13 2024#girl who is concerningly delusional and way too deep in it...........#i have to talk to her again to remind myself she's a normal human the parasocial relationship has got to STOP oh my god#OKAYOK Maybe it's bc her email is the most in character voice vs shes usually professional but that one email is soooooo 🦋🦋🦋🦋🦋 and i still c#cannot get over her signing off first name#oh my god and the way she accidentally introduced herself as anastasia during rehearsal and the smile she gave me i'm gonna kms
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