#not sure if I'll go next year because of health and money reasons

[jedi-bird]

Pics of the the goodies I got on the final day of Los Angeles Comic Con, part two because the first post didn't save to drafts like it should have and my phone keeps refusing to take and save photos. Going to try to put this under a readmore because it's a long post but if it doesn't work then oh well.

Mandalorian print, now with added Aidan Bertola.

Little Leia funko signed by Vivien Lyra Blair. Both the kids were awesome and I hope life brings them nothing but happiness.

The Japanese movie guides that I bought. One of the Rogue One one's even came with a really cool mini poster. Partner wanted the Return of the Jedi one because it's their favorite of the series.

Daniel Logan signed my Star Wars Insider collected Mandalorian edition. He even took a picture of the cover because he wants to find one. We talked for a bit while they were finishing setting up the booth and he shook my hand. I had a lot of fun with this one. Also bonus pic of the 3D printed lightsaber with orange blade and the wiggly dragon I got because I had to.

I finally made myself go get Jim Cummings autograph. He is the voice of so many of my favorite characters growing up and even now. I don't know why I kept putting it off but I didn't this time and I'm so glad I did. The print is by Blue Egg Adventures and was honestly perfect.

And finally, the piece that started this whole crazy weekend. I got Hayden Christensen to sign the same print as Ewan McGregor. This will eventually get framed but for now it's probably one of my favorite things. I'll never have a chance like this again.

This was a very crazy weekend but it was so worth it. I'm in a lot of pain and something is majorly wrong with my phone but I'm very glad I went. My personal mini Star Wars Celebration is over for now.

[lovvecherrymotion]

everyone has been posting about their 2023 and how much jere and joker out have impacted their lives and i guess it's my turn now

this is pretty long and all over the place but... i have a lot to say, i guess

i'm a big eurovision fan but not to the point of watching all the national finals or preparties or anything. i'm pretty invested in it during may but prior to this year i haven't really gotten invested in any artists (at least not to this extent)

anyway, this year, for some reason, i ended up watching cha cha cha the day after the umk final and i was in love. i didn't even need to listen to any other songs - i knew right away käärijä was my 2023 winner. i decided to check other songs that were already out and... guess what other song i liked right away? yeah, carpe diem

and then the universe decided it'd be lovely if bojan and jere met and it fundamentally changed the trajectory of my year. their friendship made me so happy at a time of my life i was struggling so much in terms of mental health - and with their friendship, their music, their interviews, and the rest of the kä crew and joker out

i started lurking around tumblr again. i didn't feel comfortable enough to participate in fandom, but i did love seeing all the content and all the discussions everyone was having. i hadn't felt this excited joining a new fandom in... years, literally. and despite all the shitty moments i've had in 2023, both jere and joker out have helped me a lot and i've felt so happy thanks to them

when i got the ticket for the tavastia show, i spoke to non fandom friends, expecting them to tell me it was a silly idea to fly to the other side of europe just to see joker out (and potentially experience the next bojere reunion), but they all said the same - we haven't seen you this happy about anything in a long time. you should go. and it was one of the best concert experiences of my life

then i also booked an entire trip to dublin to see jere AND I GOT TO MEET HIM? and now i'm getting my first tattoo ever? and, sure, i also got covid for the first time in my life, but it was yet another AMAZING concert experience and one i'll never forget, both thanks to jere and everyone else i met in line. dublin will forever be in my heart. it's one of those experiences that seemed straight out of a fanfic and i can't believe it all happened to me

and finally, it was time to see joker out in madrid, which was a little bit of a birthday gift to myself. i was awake for 30 hours straight and i don't even know how i survived, but it was PHENOMENAL. i truly loved every second of it

after dublin, i made the decision to start being a bit more active around here and got to meet some more lovely people and... while i still feel a bit weird, because i'm not exactly the best at interacting with others and i often feel like i'm the kid who transferred schools mid school year and is still trying to figure out exactly how to fit in, i do love how wonderful this community is. our silly joint fandom has brought me so much joy and i can't wait to see how it'll be in 2024

i'm not exactly ending this year feeling great, in terms of mental health, and i've been feeling quite down about certain things both jere and joker out had helped me feel a bit better about - body image and my own writing being the two main ones - but i seriously believe the positive impact they've had on me will influence how i deal with this during 2024 and i do hope to get to a better place

i wish you all the very best and thank you for being a part of my wonderful fandom experience and making my days a little brighter 💖 and i guess this is a good moment to say that my messages/inbox are always open and i'm always more than happy to make new fandom friends! also, if any of you are going to milan, just let me know (and, yes, i'm still deciding on some more joker out dates for next year because i can't resist spending money on them, it seems 💀)

[yoon-topias]

Yoontopia | Chapter two {Cuties and butterflies}

⟡ Warnings: Strong language, depression, mental health issues, references to self harm, references to violence, references to sexual assault, manic episodes, smoking, risky behavior, jealousy, smut.

⟡ 18+ (minors DNI, some chapters have mature content)

⟡ Best friend's older brother x OC

⟡ Summary: When Yoongi brings lunch to work but in return gets more than he expected.

2.4k words

Yoongi Pov:

I wake up with someone hitting me with a pillow over and over. "Dude get the fuck up, it's noon you said you wanted to bring Vi lunch cause' she got a big trial today" Jin hitting me over and over. "Jin I'm up! I'm up!" he scoffs, hits me one more time and walks out the door.

Jin and I have been roommates for years, he has been a big help keeping me on a stable path for my mental health. A schedule is what I need. Jin makes sure I eat meals daily and even has stopped me from committing once when I went through a low point, of course used Vi against me and it stopped it all. Looking to my nightstand I see the Marlboro pack sitting there and those fucking pineapple lollipops right next to them.

Pineapple is that what she tastes like? Why would she only have a bag of pineapple lollipops? It is like her guilty pleasure, because it's becoming mine.

Getting up I need to go bring Vi lunch. I'm surprising her with it. A big case means no breaks to go get lunch. Jin made dinner last night. I specifically asked for Vi's favorite for my night to pick what we had. Putting on a white t-shirt laundry day ugh. a black jacket, black jeans and my boots and of course both the chains Vi, and Hans got me if I look down I see both the reasons I'm doing this.

Looking at the Cigs sitting on my nightstand, Slipping the pack in my pocket for safety measures of course. Walking out to the kitchen to grab the food packed up. "No cig Yoongi? What's with you? Do we need to go see the therapist? Are the meds working okay?"

Shaking my head, opening the fridge to grab the food wrapped up in a brown bag with Vi written on it with a little fish. "No, I'm fine. Better than ever. Vi is helping me quit. We'll see if it works"

"Well whatever she does tell me, because I needa do it with Hobi"

"Lollipops try it." Throwing a few in his direction.

"But you still have your pack on you?"

"Safety measures Jin. Safety measures."

Grabbing my bike keys, and backpack putting the food bag inside. I gotta hurry there to get to the courthouse for recess time so she can eat. Going to my bike and smiling it's the one other thing that keeps me goin'. My pocket buzzes

Vi: Aquariums???? After this case is closed? May take a few days to win though.

Me: Anything you want Vi, gotta tell Lewis about that win huh?

Vi: Don't bring up my son! I miss him. I'm making money for him. I'll cry if I don't bring home the money he needs for his lettuce. He's my little dinosaur. My own little herbivore. Rawr!

Reading her text makes me laugh, putting my phone in my pocket. Yeah she's the reason I do this and Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay.

Swinging my leg over on my bike, turning the key hearing it purr. Sliding on my helmet, putting on my gloves, kicking the stand, and giving one rev. I'm off to see Vi.

Driving down the road I'm weaving in and out traffic to get there sooner. It's almost time for their recess. Someone flips me off and I raise my hand back and flip them off, I got more important things. Luckily I'm not too far from the courthouse and I get there as recess starts, pull up to the front and I see Vi walking out in black pants suit with black heels on. God her hips are literally everything. Isn't it Illegal to show that much cleavage in a damn courtroom. The way it is tailored to her body curving with her waist. She isn't just a straight road she is a whole fucking backroad leading up to the most captivating view. I'd love to see her curves and mark them as my driveway. Playing with my tongue piercing against my teeth as I watch from a distance. Fuck what I would do to trance her body like the roads I drive everyday. It would be a felony. She'd need to be my lawyer. I'm not one to worship, but for her I'd get on my hands and knees ready to bow down to whatever she says. I have.

I can picture it down tracing my fingers down every little freckle, birthmark, scars, and fuck her stretch marks. Only having peaks here and there never the full view. You might as well dig six feet in the ground and write 'Here lies Min Yoongi the simp for Violet.'

Rein yourself in for fucks sake Yoongi.

She is walking down the stairs with some of her colleagues who are men can't fucking help it, but get jealous. One is holding her elbow so she doesn't fall going down the stairs in the heels they must know how clumsy she is. The jealous side of me takes over, putting my hand on my accelerator and rev my bike intentionally long, and it makes her head snap up from looking at the stairs she is walking down. "Hey! Vi want lunch?" she smiling once she locks eyes with me nodding her head and I hear her colleagues saying-

"Hey who is that?"

"Violet, you know him?"

"You're with a delinquent?"

I see her stop and look at them "you don't even know him and he is not a delinquent first of all. Second of all, why does it matter if I was with him? I think I can make it down the stairs by myself. After this recess I would like to see my respectful colleagues again"

Get em' Vi. Smirking how she stood up for me when she didn't have to. That's right, I'm the one who ends up in her bed at night. Who knows her passcode to her place.

Taking my helmet off and kicking the stand, swinging my leg off my bike and running up the stairs to her to help her down the stairs "There is my miss lawyer. Looks like I may need someone to plead my case, I'm a delinquent have you heard?" she hits my chest and puts her arm through mine so I can help her walk down.

"You know what you're in a suit today let's go" I take off my backpack and hand it to her. She looks me up and down like I'm crazy but still grabs the bag from hand and puts it on. I take a step down so she doesn't have to jump and put my hands around her thighs and pull her forward on my back to carry her down.

She is whisper yelling at me currently as I go down the stairs. "Do you know we're at the courthouse? Min Yoongi I'm a lawyer would you want me to be on your case getting a piggyback ride?"

Continuing down the stairs I gotta come up with something to say back to her quickly. There is a reason I'm not a lawyer. "I'd let you ride me even if you were my lawyer." She slaps my chest "Min Yoongi! I'm at work!"

"Technically you're on my back, is that your work? Because if so it should be the other way around. huh?"

She shuts up and just rests her head on my back yeah that's right accept your fate Vi. Walking past my bike she doesn't even question where I'm taking her. Just happy to get off her feet, her mind is probably dead, and hungry. I know that I hear her stomach grumbling. Walking across the road to the overpass where we used to sit, after she would visit with her dad in jail. I squat down to let her get off my back with ease, grab the backpack straps to let her know to take it off.

I grab her hand and pull her to sit over the edge overlooking the street as the cars pass by, it's another world looking over all the people passing by, going to work, home, school, running errands. We used to always make stories up to where they were going the three of us, not having Hans really changed Vi but also it helped her grow as much as I love my sister. Vi would have been dragged all around town every night during college and would not have been able to finish law school. She takes off her heels, sits them next to her and looks at me. "So Yoon what did you bring me for foodies?'' blinking her eyes like a puppy begging at the kitchen table.

Smiling at her knowing food is the way to her heart I swear sometimes, reaching into my backpack and taking out the bag with her name on it handing it to her. Face lighting up wide eyes as soon as she lands her eyes on the fish drawn in purple.

"Yoon a fish! But where is the other one" she pouted like I did something wrong, licking her lips, going into her pocket and grabbing a pen and drawing another fish in black ink.

"Now that's better Yoon! It's us in another universe see!" Flipping the bag around to show me and I smile nodding my head. I'm addicted to her, I need my fix reaching in my pocket to grab my cigs and she looks at me raising an eyebrow like I lost my mind.

"Excuse me sir, lollipop"making an emphasis on the 'pop' she pulls one out from her pocket and hands it to me. Pineapple. A light smirk rests upon my lips as I think of her tasting like this. When was her last sugar fix? Does the taste linger in her mouth? Like she made home in my utopia. Unwrapping it seeing the pale yellow color it'll do right? Popping it in my mouth the sweetness erupts on my taste buds like a volcano.

Sweet. Sweet. Pineapple.

Taking it out of my mouth, looking her dead in the eyes. "Fine, but why do you have it in your suit pocket, Vi. Is that your guilty little pleasure?" her cheeks turn red and she quickly goes to open her bag I packed for her. That's what I thought putting it back in my mouth. It might become my guilty little pleasure afterall.

But did I just make her blush? No it has to be the weather. She's in a suit and the sun is on us. Yeah that's it.

Looking in the bag and she lights up again like when her eyes met mine. All I ever want to do is make her smile.

"Yoon you packed me my favorite, ugh I love you. Homemade leftover pizza cold, and cuties. I could kiss you I'm stravin' this case is killing me"

Did she just say she would kiss me? Okay my mind is fuckin' with me.

Pineapple. Pineapple. Fucking sweet pineapple.

"Eat up, you deserve it Vi. I know this case is gonna be a tough one"

Pulling out the pizza first and opening the container, setting the bag with the cutie in it next to us. She is happily eating watching the cars swinging her legs back and forth, I could get used to this. "You off today Yoon?" Humming in response I'm off from the shop, reaching for the bag to start peeling the cutie for her. "It's a tough one. Yoon it reminds me of dad being wrongly accused"

"I know Vi but you're so strong and smart you'll get 'em free. Also remind me to come see you in action, because you in a suit is fucking amazing" Its just mindless flirting who doesnt flirt with a friend? Let alone your sister's best friend.

I use this to lighten up the mood and she just smiles overlooking all the cars passing by. "How much longer you got on recess?" Looking down at her watch "uh about fifteen minutes" starting to hand her orange slice by slice she is happily munching on them as I give them to her.

God, how can she look this pretty and let everyone see it. She is absolutely insane. No, I'm absolutely insane. How can I let her out of the house looking this way? She deserves to be treated like a queen and bowed down to. "Do those guys always give you trouble Vi?"

She shakes her head at me "nah they just hit on me and say that women don't belong in this field. It doesn't bother me though" looks like at this company party I'll have to show them their place because they are some misogynistic assholes.

"Vi, let me know if they bother you Kay? No one messes with you. I get their your colleagues and you have to work them but that doesn't give them the right"

She hums in response, nodding her head munching on the last orange slice smiling at me. "I know you're always there for me Yoon" once I give her the last piece of the cutie she reaches into her pocket and takes out a lollipop.

Unwrapping a pineapple lollipop and putting it in her mouth to start to suck on it.

Sweet. Sweet. Pineapple.

"You got that right, Vi by the way the suit fits you. Iit hugs all the right curves to your roadmap, just don't let the map fall into the wrong hands. Like a pirate finding treasure they weren't meant to have. Imma need a fix"

Throwing the stick on the ground that I already finished. Taking her lollipop out her mouth and pointing it at me "Excuse me sir that is littering, no lollipop for you" Fuck it.

"Well then I'm gonna have to steal yours."moving my head and taking her lollipop into my mouth. "Guess I'm a delinquent Vi. I'ma need a lawyer" shrugging as I put one foot up to push myself up to stand. She puts her heels on and tries to do it herself. Of course I need to help her get back up. Why would she try to do it with heels on? As she does get up on two feet her clumsy ass makes us lose our balance and she falls on top of me on the ground.

We both laugh about it and she locks eyes with me. My mouth parts a little with the lollipop in it. She reaches forward and takes it out my mouth. I'm too in shock to protest taking the only thing keeping me sane and she put it in her mouth. "Looks like I'ma need a lawyer too, Yoon."

My stomach feels like there are millions bufferlies trying to escape. I have never felt like this hell she never has had a comeback like that to me. No I'm not like this, I don't want to hurt her like others. I love from a distance for a reason. Why the hell is she finally doing comebacks now? "L-looks like I'am need to go back to college you go waiting another seven years?" and I fucking stutter must be those damn purple butterflies she has planted in me. In my utopia.

Thank you for reading. ₊˚⊹♡

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All rights belong to @/Yoon-Topias. Do not copy/ translate.

[apricotbuncakes]

Happy pride month!! 🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍⚧️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍🌈

This pride month, I kindly request that you help me (a disabled queer trans guy) get closer to my goal of $6,000 for top surgery. (Yes it has decreased from 10,000 to 6,000. More Info under the cut). Currently the GoFundMe has raised $340/$6,000 of what I need. While I am saving my own money and pouring whatever I can spare into my savings, there's no way I can reasonably save enough on my own to reach my goal of getting top surgery before the end of next year.

If you can, even just a few dollars is extremely helpful, and you can donate here: https://gofund.me/60a8148b

Some more nuanced information is below the cut.

My insurance (my state's Medicaid) is required to offer gender affirming surgery and cannot discriminate against myself or anyone else for being trans. Unfortunately the system in which it takes to get approved for coverage is extremely difficult. I wouldn't be able to even qualify until after my birthday next year (you have to be 21 to qualify). And the other steps can be just as tiresome. There's a lot that goes into it, and it's a lot that would be unreasonable for me to get done even if I started now. Not to mention the fact that after reaching out to several doctors in network, only one responded to me (and my phone call with him was anything but kind).

Out of pocket with a plastic surgeon is my best bet, and the safer one too. Currently the ONLY thing preventing me from getting top surgery is my finances, hence the GoFundMe. I found and consulted with a surgeon in my area who is willing to perform the surgery, and a therapist willing to provide a letter stating that basically I'm of sound mind and body to be making this decision.

Truthfully I've needed top surgery since I was 14. Even if I wasn't trans, my breasts cause me significant physical difficulties including mobility and breathing (which, when paired with a physical disability that causes chronic pain makes everything incredibly hard). The dysphoria is a complete other story. I've been binding since 14 too, and considering I'm 20 now, is a pretty long time. Binding for so many years has it's own consequences, especially when you are someone of my size. Needless to say, this is not only medically necessary from a gender affirmation standpoint, but also a quality of life one. It is absolutely a need.

It's also necessary because of my mental health. I made a post a short while ago that admitted to me being... not the best mentally. It wasn't a break down of sorts, but it was an honest reaction to my situation that I needed to get out of my system. The biggest contribution to this not-quite-breakdown is the fact that I can't afford top surgery. That's a hard concept for some people to grasp, that lack of access to this surgery could make me incredibly depressed. So many people still see it as elective or cosmetic. It's a hard feeling to explain, but it is the truth. It's not meant to be a guilt trip or to make you feel pity. It's my reality, and frankly the reality of many other trans people in similar situations.

The estimated cost for the surgery and all its required components is $10,000 (of which my joyfriend has so graciously offered to cover $4,000 of that). That leaves me with needing to cover 6,000 on my own*.

Being physically disabled makes working long hours hard. I get wiped out after a few hours at my normal job, and my summer job at a camp this year is sure to leave me with more exhaustion than normal as my days are significantly longer. (It's sad to say but I am working here mainly for the money, and the super awesome and supportive community I've found is a really awesome bonus. While I anticipate getting more saving money because of the pay increase at this summer position, it's not going to be enough to cover top surgery by itself, and come the end of this position and summer, I'll be back at my original place of work with only a one dollar increase in promotion pay. ($12/hr). I'll likely be making even less money than I normally do because I'm starting school again.

I'm just now realizing how busy my life is going to be after typing all this out...

There are some questions I've had people ask me, but most of them have been answered in other posts of mine that are pretty easy to search up on your own through my blog. That said, if you have any questions about anything regarding this, please ask through the ask box or DM me. I don't mind answering good faith questions, and will happily repeat myself to make it easier for info to find.

*With the help of the GoFundMe.

[kahuna-burger]

Oh Oh Those Summer Nights

Warnings : None

Pairing : Hydra husbands (of course)

Characters : Brock Rumlow, Jack Rollins, Jasper Sitwell, Phil Coulson, mostly unnamed STRIKE team OCs

Other tags : Pre canon, mild identity porn, under cover operations, SHIELD compartmentalizing like crazy, implied homophobia, possible internalized homophobia, epistolary (email)

Summary : Tell Email me more! Tell Email me more!

Chapter 1 : Happened So Fast https://www.tumblr.com/kahuna-burger/727100817162797056/

Chapter 2 : Had me a blast https://www.tumblr.com/kahuna-burger/727218990297055232/

Chapter 3 : Met a girl, cute as could be

From : brumlow@shield.gov

To : <shitheads>

Re : this is why you aren't in infiltration

Not one of you fuckers is even a little subtle, and that is only one of the reasons NONE OF YOU is going to be my god damned SIC when we're back in action. The others have to do with team integration and if you shit for brains had the command training to understand that, I might have considered you.

Seriously, I get any more private emails on the new fucking team command structure, the sender gets all latrine duties for our next field mission. 

Also, no, I'm not telling you details of the cover job that could identify the location, dammit it's like none of you whiny jerkoffs works for a secret government organization! You get the details I feel like giving and fucking thank me for the entertainment while you waste all our tax dollars faking your injuries for more morphine.

But no, I'm not dealing with kids, because the "attraction" I'm working at is dangerous enough to be adults only, health questionnaires and waivers, all the fucking hoops. I don't do that part, but it makes my life significantly less shitty than it could be if I had to try to teach fucking snot nosed brats and adventure seeking grannies this stuff. Most of them are fairly fit, really.

Actually, one today was EXTREMELY fit, in a way that made helping with her equipment damn fun, if ya know what I mean. Picked up the training really well too, definitely a job perk of a customer.

Doubt I'll get too many like that, though, so make sure you lazy fucks get on your PT so I can get out of this place.

To : <gamma>

From : jrollins@shield.gov 

Re : Thanks for the good news!

Glad to know we won't be broken up, and that this assignment will end at least for me. (No promises for the operation as a whole, as no one even knows what the objective is.)

In other news, I got to check out the new attraction and it's actually fantastic. Without too much identifying info, it's the kind of thing that is just stress and danger if it comes up in the course of a mission, but they've made it feel just dangerous enough to be an accomplishment and make the gorgeous payoff even better. 

Speaking of gorgeous, my training did not come from a college student, but an extremely professional but friendly grownup who obviously had years of practical experience. A+ gear up experience, will be hoping for the same crew next time. And there will definitely be a next time.

Decided to leave my bet on the money laundering since the cancellation penalty they've worked out is too high to be worth changing it, but I'm considering some side bets on specific people's involvement in WHATEVER. Will keep you updated.

-Jack

Notes : posting even though the read more is being a bitch to barely maintain my dream of one chap a day. Also, feel free to send asks about anything in this.

[loganofthenorth]

Me: Alright, everything's quiet, my physical needs have been taken care of, I want to write, and brain rot about my OCs isn't in the way. Let's get to work!

ADHD toddler that lives in my head: Give me five good reasons why we should work on the work in progress

Me: 1. We get positive feedback when we update this story, which really benefits our mental health, self esteem, and motivation to write other things

2. We ended the WIP on a cliffhanger last time we updated it and it needs to be resolved

3. There is no reason not to work on the WIP

4. Autism- *points at the Autistic hermit sitting next to me*

Autistic hermit: *waves while reading a Sanders Sides transcript, a book about dolphins, and an article about clementines*

Me: - needs a routine to function, and this is a big part of that

And 5. We are fortunate enough to have parents willing to support us so that we can make writing our full time career. If we don't actually write, those two- *points at Anxiety and Depression*

Anxiety: *pacing around with a list of problems to resolve in our projects and muttering about our lack of productivity lately even though we've been productive just in other ways*

Depression: *sleeping and not bothering us because we have enough dopamine from earlier mentioned comments and interactions on Tumblr to keep them at bay for the most part*

Me: - will make life harder for us by making me feel bad for wasting that support.

ADHD Toddler: 1. Yes, that's true, but if we keep writing the WIP I'll get sick of it and want nothing to do with it anymore

Me: But we're almost done, we only have a few chapters left.

ADHD Toddler: 2. We updated that, like, two days ago? Three days? Idk how time works. Days have just felt like weeks lately for some reason so it just feels like a long time when it isn't. They can wait. Also- *gets distracted by a squirrel*

Me: Are you done?

ADHD Toddler: Huh? Oh, right...

Me: ...

ADHD Toddler: ...

Me: Well?

ADHD Toddler: What was I saying?

Me: You said people can wait for a cliffhanger, then had another point.

ADHD Toddler: Oh, right. So, these people watch Sanders Sides, right? They're used to waiting like six months or lately more than a year for the next important chapter.

Autistic Hermit: Huh...

ADHD Toddler: 3. I gave you a reason when addressing your first point, we'll get sick of it if we don't work on other things too.

Autistic Hermit: They're... Actually using really good logic...

Me: I know, it's terrifying

ADHD Toddler: 4. Routine smoutine. I'd rather have poutine.

Autistic Hermit: There it is

Me: Yep...

ADHD Toddler: And, finally... *gets distracted by a lightbulb*

Anxiety: Whelp that's it we've spent an entire hour doing absolutely nothing, we're clearly not getting any work done tonight

Me: *sighs* ADHD, if I let you say your last point, will you let me work?

ADHD Toddler: Huh? What last point?

Me: Never mind. We're going to write a really cool story now, okay?

ADHD Toddler: Okay!

Me: *gets my IPad*

ADHD Toddler: This was fun, you should post it on Tumblr.

Me: Oh yeah sure!

ADHD Toddler: Oh, right! I remembered! 5. I don't see why you think you've wasted their support by not writing all the time. Last year you wrote, edited, designed a cover for, and self published a novel of your own in one year. While doing that, you also balanced friendships, worked on your mental health, wrote like, what, three full fan novels and are about to finish another one? Not to mention all the unfinished fan fics you have that made people happy, and all the role plays which might as well be novels. Just because you're not making money yet, and you're not writing every day, doesn't mean you're wasting the support you were given.

Me: ...

Autistic Hermit: Who the hell have you been talking to? Where has all this logic come from?

ADHD Toddler: We're hyper fixated on Sanders Sides

Autistic Hermit: Fair enough

ADHD Toddler: *gasps* What if we like, made our own you tube series but like, instead of aspects of the personality like Sanders Sides it's our different disabilities?

Autistic Hermit: You thought about that before

Anxiety: We don't have the same resources Thomas Sanders has to make it professional

Autistic Hermit: Like a *shudders* team of people to work with

Anxiety: *also shudders* Or space of our own to film in

Depression: *murmurs* Or the motivation to keep dedicated to that for long...

Autistic Hermit: Or the cameras, lighting, sound equipment, video editing skills, ability to make a polished costume,

Anxiety: we can't mask Autism's traits long enough to get a good recording

Depression: *murmurs* And we don't fit conventional beauty standards enough to do well in a video based algorithm...

ADHD Toddler: I guess we'll just have to find another way to make a series that gets us a fandom one day... You know, since the book we wrote didn't get immediate results so now I'm being petty.

Autistic Hermit: Our book series is a long term project. It will get more recognition as we continue to publish the series.

Anxiety: It would get more recognition if we made more adds

ADHD Toddler: But why make Tik Toks no one interacts with but two hundred people see when we could make Tumblr posts that no one sees but two people interact a lot with?

Me: *sighs* This is getting us no where

Anxiety: Stop typing on Tumblr and get to work or we might lose our ability to work forever

Autistic Hermit: But that doesn't make sense. We've gone a long time without writing before

Depression: *murmurs* We did get a lot worse at writing after that though...

Me: I think that's more because ADHD got worse during that time so writing became harder

ADHD Toddler: Yeah

Anxiety: *scoffs* At least they admit it

Me: Anywho, I'm tagging this now, clicking post, and then we will work on our WIP. My apologies mutuals for the long post.

[invisiblefoxfire]

This is so fucking important. I stayed in multiple abusive relationships for years because I was positive my abusers weren't hurting me on purpose. Every portrayal of abuse I'd ever seen was someone evil who liked hurting people. But my partners didn't have some big nefarious plan to abuse me. They didn't know any better. They didn't understand the harm they were causing. They'd been abused in the past and had their own trauma to work through. They promised they'd go to therapy.

Sure, I was living in constant fear. Sure, I stopped speaking to friends because it made them jealous and it was easier to just not provoke them. Sure, I flinched every time I heard footsteps in the stairwell of my building in case it might be them coming home. Sure, I hid in the bathroom sometimes claiming stomach upset just to have a moment of peace. Sure, sometimes they screamed and shouted and got drunk and broke things and made all kinds of threats over the most inane, stupid things. But they always apologized after. They'd break down crying, sobbing, begging me for forgiveness. They'd tell me they were a bad person, a miserable creature who didn't deserve to live, suggest that they should just jump in front of a train and rid the world of their presence because my life would surely be better without them and they couldn't live without me.

And I'd say, see? They don't want to hurt me. They're just damaged and need love and support. They have no one but me. I can't just abandon them. I'd seen too many Hollywood portrayals of mental illness that could be cured by love and I thought I could save them if only I endured a little longer.

And I still don't think their intent was to hurt me. Their intent was to get what they wanted using whatever means necessary. They were damaged and probably did need help, but not from a partner. Not from me. Even if it wasn't their fault they were like this, it certainly wasn't mine, either, and it was not my responsibility to endure their abuse hoping that one day my love and patience would cure them. You can't cure an abuser of their trauma by enduring their abuse. That's not how it works.

The only reason I got out of my last abusive relationship was that a friend happened to say just the right thing at just the right moment. I knew I was unhappy and wanted to leave, but I also knew that the partner had nowhere else to go and would be homeless if I threw them out. And I just couldn't bring myself to do that to someone, even someone who was absolutely destroying my physical and psychological health and tearing my life to shreds.

"Yup, you're right. You're absolutely right. You can't throw out your alcoholic abusive partner who refuses to get a job, because they have nowhere else to go. You just have to stay. You just have to stay with them, living like this, in constant fear and stress, never sleeping, hardly eating, watching them throw away all your money until you can't afford rent anymore and then you can be homeless together."

It hit me like a ton of bricks. That friend was right. Making myself endure that partner's abuse was not helping that partner in the slightest, it was only ruining my life. Instead of one broken person, there would now be two.

And let me tell you something, friends. When I finally said "I want to break up and you need to move out," the first reaction was begging, apologies, give me one more chance, I love you so much, I swear I'll change. When I said "Nope, no more chances, we're done," they changed tactics to threats of suicide. I'd prepared myself for this. I knew it was probably an empty threat but I had to face the possibility that they really might do it, and to know, deep down, that it would not be my fault if that happened. "Nope, no more chances. If you want to die, I can't stop you." And that's when their true colors showed. Because when that threat didn't work, they didn't throw themself in front of a train in despair. They moved on to the next tactic: threats to harm me. Accusations that I'd been "using" them this whole time, that I just wanted a partner and pretended to care about them so I wouldn't be single, and that I "owed" them for that. Demands that I repay them for that with money or sex or free housing. And only when I threatened to call the police and actually started dialing did they drop the threats, the begging, the promises, the accusations, and simply leave. Like a switch had been flipped. (And it turned out that they did not wind up homeless. They conned someone else into giving them free housing after that and probably is still doing that to this day.)

I don't think most abusers' intent is to harm their partners. I don't think they think of themselves as abusers. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter why they treat people the way they do. Even if they are suffering themselves. Enduring that mistreatment does not help them, it only hurts you. You don't deserve it.

random, but I think the way people talk about abusers as hypercompetent, calculating manipulators that Know exactly what they're doing makes it easier for people to get into abusive relationships

[atypicalstrong]

vent incoming

So two of my friends moved to South Korea and weren't able to take their cats with them immediately, so I agreed to foster them for 6 months until their first vacation so they could come collect them.

Little did I know that 3 years later I would still have these cats, because it turns out that importing pets more than 6 months after you immigrate is incredibly difficult, and the owners didn't do any proper research beforehand, and also didn't save any money to get it done. And STILL aren't saving money to get it done, and are instead begging all their associates for money (by taking commissions they aren't actually doing - a mutual friend has literally 30 works they still haven't received) every step of the way when we have to get health tests and certificates and lab reports done.

And it turns out everything we've done so far has been for nothing because its all been in my name, and they're gonna have to redo all the expensive and time consuming tests in their name. Which means finding a vet that will do all this legal paperwork in someone else's name who isn't in the country to verify anything at all and is just taking my word for it. Which is uhhhhhhh an issue to say the least.

I found all this out today first thing in the morning when my friend was like "the pet relocation company says none of this will work so can you and your vet fix it?" And when I was like "I'll ask but I'm pretty sure we have to start over bc anything else would legally be fraud since technically I own your cats right now" (because its been 3 fucking years) they had the fucking GALL to break down crying and say it hurts so much to hear their pets aren't legally theirs, and I have to make my vet fix it because they've been doing a "trash job" (they haven't, they've actually been very helpful and the only fuck up that happened before this was a lab's fault, not my vet's), and they can't afford to do it all again, and that they "need me to be in their corner right now".

And then they just shut down when I tried to offer any solutions that DON'T involve legal fraud. Like coming back and doing it themselves instead of using a company, which is "just not possible" (no reason given when asked why not, literally just silence), or doing it as a "sale" so it makes sense that its all in my name ("that won't work because the regulations are probably different").

Like, I'm sorry you waited until the last minute to check if we were doing everything correctly! But that's not my fault, or my responsibility! I never wanted it to take this long, and I certainly don't want to keep your fucking cats! They keep destroying all my stuff, which you've offered to replace but noticeably haven't! Even if I wanted to, I CAN'T keep your fucking cats because I'm moving next year!

Nevermind I've got a bunch of my own shit going on that y'all don't seem to care about at all, like fighting for disability benefits, and being sued for medical debt (my court date is LITERALLY tomorrow and they haven't asked about it once since I told them last month), and affording rent and food! They're over in South Korea spending all their money on take out and "retail therapy" (and to be fair some genuine unforseen costs, but that just makes the other stuff more infuriating) not saving anything for the cats, while I'm over here going to food banks and hygiene pantries just to stay afloat!

I don't even want to be friends with them anymore at this point! And that really hurts, because there was a time when they were the best friends I'd ever had. But now? After all this? How can they expect me to trust or rely on them, for anything? After everything I've done for them THIS is the thanks I get?

I don't even know what else to say. If they don't SINCERELY apologize for this, and also accept they fucked up by not doing the research or saving any money, and ALSO come to terms with the fact that we have to start over, I don't know what I'm gonna do. Stop being friends with them and rehome the cats, I guess. I don't WANT to do that but I don't think I'll have any other choice.

I've put up with so much and for what. For fucking what. Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh...

[michaelmyersofficial]

26/02/2024 Monday Night

Honestly I haven't posted much because I've been very busy but in a way that left it really difficult to post about. I had to go back to the dentist twice, because something went wrong the first time. Honestly I'm not entirely sure this will have fixed it, either. This is so much my worst nightmare, and has kind of put me in a really depressed position I don't know how to crawl out of. My family has gone on vacation now without me. This was a known event and I really don't mind it especially as it means they will allow me to go and visit my brother overseas. I am surprisingly nervous though, I've never flown across an ocean before. At the same time it will be wonderful to hang out with him and the d&d guys. I'm a bit nervous because I haven't finished any of the reading I told him I'd do (he bought me the books), but I have until the end of April, so I think it will be fine, probably. I also haven't finished writing out all the letters I meant to send everyone, but I have time yet for that as well. I also have to fill out a new character sheet for the next game, and that hast to be done for Thursday, so I might work on that tomorrow. I haven't really been eating well lately and Ena has been upset with me for it, but it's kind of been hard to. I don't know exactly what's been wrong but I have not felt hungry in awhile. Before they left my family had also considered signing me up for a course at the local community college and / or signing me up to the local YMCA. However, I don't have a swim outfit, and mother's suggestions just triggered dysphoria. I would like to try school, since I look up and do maths school work for fun anyway, but it's so expensive that I'm not sure the cost is worth it. Especially since I'm not really able to strive towards a degree of any kind, or actually work in a job because of my health. The government finally made a decision to deny me fully for disability, despite their own doctor arguing on my behalf. It feels kind of hopeless honestly. I know I can appeal both denials, and I will, it's just so disheartening because it's my only shot at getting the help I need and the people who care can't help, and the people who can help don't care. I have to call the advocate, likely tomorrow morning, and then I'll discuss in therapy on Wednesday. I can't really move forward on this until I call the advocate and talk in therapy, though. They also didn't tell me why they decided, ultimately, to deny me, and said that information will be in the letter they send. It's mostly just waiting games on waiting games on waiting games with them. I've also been having issues with a friend of mine. I love them very much but they've said time and time again that they're going to do something and then don't even try to do it and don't discuss with me what's going on. They said they wanted to come and stay with me, but we've planned twice now for that to happen, only they need to finish their school work first since they dropped out years ago and wanted to complete it. I agree that this is a reasonable goal, but they just. . . Don't actually go to their classes yet act as if plans have never changed even though they can only come here after the classes are finished. In addition, all the money that is needed to make that trip could be saved in a month or so from their job- but they keep spending everything to the last cent on gacha games. It almost feels like they don't really want to come and they're sabotaging but then they act possessive of me and talk about being here like it's a dream of theirs. The whole thing doesn't feel right to me now though, since they've started acting this way (just a few months ago). I guess the dentist and tooth thing has really been getting to me because I don't really know if I've been as busy as I think I am but it's sure felt like it, and I've missed out on a lot of fun things because of that stress.

I do have some plans for the upcoming week, so hopefully I can get back into a regular schedule and things work out for me.

[starryskys-posts]

My name is Skylar Starr Lima 💖 I'll always be open & honest about my experiences in life. I'm such a strong resilient person who has been through a lot of tough times. I've had plenty of truama in the past but I recently went to Eloria AAA not because I have a drug or alcohol problem but because I had a mental break down. I was admitted there voluntarily so I could grasp what was happening in my life & going on in my own head. I don't think that's something to be ashamed of either. I remember being so scared going into an unknown place not knowing anyone else other than knowing myself. I seen this all as a lesson & it actually restored my faith in GOD, whoever he, she or what they may be. At first it was a place full of scary people until I got to know them & it was such a different environment I've never been used to before. I prayed all the time for safety & protection. I really didn't want to be there in the beginning & thought it was a waste of my precious time. I was in so much pain with a ongoing medical condition at the time that wasn't being treated up until now so the experience wasn't easy for me. I had to have so many checks done for my physical health such as MRI's, blood tests, regular obs done & meetings. I wasn't aloud my phone & had to document everything in my own notepad. Literally, I was just a tiny fish in a pond of big fish.

I would sleep with my daughters teddy, constantly ask for the ipad codes, sing in the shower, eat all the time, do art, read the bible & annoy all the nurse's with all my questions. I'm sure they got sick of me.

Some of the people I met inside there became my inspiration to help others with mental health problems. I met all da boyz. They became my friends & we bonded over art, music & food. They all had my back & I had theirs. We were all from different walks of life but we're all one in the same in there & it didn't matter what you looked like or how much money you had. One other lady in there even reminded me of my mother. I still wish her well. I even wish the lady who kept trying to steal my make up, bra & clothes well. I remember telling her she didn't have to take she could just ask & I would give. That really changed my own perspective of people & why people do the things they do. Hearing them say I helped them with just a smile or some kind words. I was even amazed how my art would calm the mind of my boy Danny. He even hung it all up on the walls & would show me when I came back from my 'vape & phone leave'. Michael ( different one lol ) helped me heal my broken heart & Vanilla would share his smokes & have a chat. Peter helped me seek help for my physical health. Mark would bring in chocolates for us all. It helped me get through my own days. Da boys aren't bad or corrupt, they've just been in a system that failed them & wasn't made easy for them. We just all helped each other out of a dark place. Cracking jokes over cheese & crackers at supper. We all have rights, you can decide who you are & who you want to be no matter where you come from or the tough trials you have faced in life. Just need to have manners and take ownership of who you are & what you want. Even if I helped only one person during my time. (I know I tried to help more) I am proud of it all. Even the psychiatrists, nurses & doctors became like a community all the way to the people who served food or helped me meditated with sensory lights. Every person & everything mattered to me on a deeper level because everyone had a reason to be there or a job to be doing. So now I am going to be furthering my studys next year in peer work for mental health because these people deserve someone who listens & cares about them no matter what situation they are in. I'll never forget one of the boys calling me when I got home to tell me he missed me & how much "better" I was then him ( not true my brah ! ) Our lives & thoughts truly do matter. I do not consider myself 'mentally ill' or believe I should be locked up inside a ward because the world thinks I'm a little different. I am who I am & I am not an addict but I still have to cope with my toxic addictive tendencies & I feel I understand things much more clearer now.

I know what I want to do now. I'm a great mother, friend & business owner, I have rights to my own body & what medications I take. I have rights to make my own path & shape my own future. I have rights to learn from my mistakes. & I hope these lads never forget how important they are to me.

[skylitcreations]

(I'm gonna preface this by saying I live in the US, so some of these details will be different for various countries, but hopefully, you'll still get the idea)

When I was able-bodied, I used to go out all the time even though I'm more introverted cuz I just enjoyed exploring new places and revisiting places I liked. Nowadays, I rarely go out on my own and when I go out with others, I have to make sure they're willing to deal with how slow I am and using disability seating, taking breaks frequently, etc. You just find yourself not even bothering to go out much because you know it's irritating for the other person even if they're patient with you.

I also used to exercise 6 days a week and was consistently half the weight I am now. Most of my clothes no longer fit and I am left with only a few shirts and pants to go out with because whenever we do have money to invest in clothes I have to put it towards more pajamas for around the house since regular clothes can irritate my skin and be harder to move around in compared to loose pajamas. I also used to clean my entire home once a week and meal prep twice a week. I now can't stand up or bend over as much as I need to do those tasks, especially that often.

I wasn't able to do my job and had to leave it and attempt for Social Security. It has been years and I'm still trying for it, but while trying for it, you're not allowed to have income over a certain amount each month to even be considered so you're not allowed to really work enough to pay for things during that time because that 'proves' you're not disabled. But they do not supply any funds during the time they are working on your case, so you have to somehow pay rent and bills (especially medical ones) without a proper job. Oh, and you may or may not qualify for reduced cost health insurance so you could end up having to pay hundreds of dollars a month towards health insurance, medical bills, and prescriptions. And I'm talking hundreds of dollars per category there, not altogether. And you somehow have to manage rent and utilities on top of that and my 'wife' (quotations are there for a reason I'll get to later) can only pay for so much of that and my disabilities slow me down on the one thing I can still manage to do: art commissions. And I make a lot less from that than I did at a 'real' job and actually have to dedicate more of my time to it because I have to constantly be drawing if able. On top of that, a freelance artist has to also try to constantly boost their stuff, manage orders, keep customer service mode on constantly, trying to keep clients updated as they go along, trying to draw pieces to the side that could get more eyes on their work to bring in more customers, figuring out how merchandise is made and ordered, getting samples from different companies to do quality testing which takes money they haven't yet earned to try and invest in what they hope will make more money later, figuring out how to sell their skills and advertise them in ways that get people's attention, and that doesn't even cover everything. I am technically working MORE than I was before for about half the pay. Don't you think I'd rather just have a job that I can clock in to and clock out each day so I can properly relax when I'm home? Instead, I never get the chance to fully properly turn customer service mode off.

Sure, I love drawing, but I miss drawing just for fun instead of it being my job and me having next to no time to draw things for myself. I'm a slow artist and add my chronic pain on top of that and I can't even work at my fastest since I'm constantly having to take breaks to deal with my arm, hand, and back pain throughout, which doubles that turnaround time. Let's not even go into how chronic fatigue can make me literally too tired to even manage to stay awake long enough to get things done, too. It's maddening tbh.

Oh, and those quotation marks before? Yeah, you're not allowed to be legally married (at least in the US) and get Disability pay. You have to choose one or the other. So my 'wife?' I can't risk getting legally married to her while I'm trying to get disability or else I'm automatically disqualified. Yep, that means we don't actually have marriage equality! I spent most of my life thinking I'd never get married because I was LGBTQ+ and once I finally had the right in that category, I had to worry about Disability shortly after. I have accepted I'm not allowed to get married by this point, but it's absolutely depressing, especially knowing we could save so much money right now if we could both be on my fiancée's health insurance.

Being limited to mostly staying at home is not as awesome as people think. Your entertainment options between watching things and playing games may be pretty expansive but you get tired of being cooped up and not getting out as often because lived experiences are entirely different to watching others live out those experiences for you. I always dreamt of one day going to Disney when I could manage the funds and time off for it, but I never did. And I never got to go as a kid. And now I have to worry about if I could even manage to have fun with all of the pain I'd get with all the walking I'd have to do because walking or standing that much even with a cane sounds like torture. I may never get to go now. And that's just one dream bucket list experience that I will never properly have and may never even get close to having.

And let's not even get into how it's so much harder to maintain exercise and diet when moving hurts like hell and is sometimes impossible and cooking is a lot harder to do so you end up with health problems you never would've dealt with before when you were able-bodied and they just keep piling up on each other over time so you can actually get even worse and you constantly have to worry about what regular daily task you may be unable to do next.

I also wanted to be a doctor if art wouldn't pan out and eventually felt I'd be fine with that being my main job and art staying a hobby. But I couldn't keep up with university when my problems started developing. And now my hands are too shaky from all the meds and such I've had to do over the years just to stay awake, so performing surgery is out of the question. Even then, I wanted to be a psychiatrist/therapist because I love helping people and trying to analyze how they think and figure out what might help. But to get the schooling on top of everything else is impossible for me right now and might be for the rest of my life. And you can tell people that you're disabled but because most people don't have a proper idea of how that is like, they will still constantly think you're just being lazy when you haven't bettered your life yet, as if that is something you can control. They set the system up for you to fail and/or give up, and the world is set up for the able-bodied. Just navigating everything and adjusting when you need to is a struggle in and of itself, but things seem to want to mess you up at every turn. You know how those who are left-handed will talk about how most things in the world are made for those who are right-handed by default? And they either have to figure out how to make being left-handed work with those things or they may end up forced to train their right hand enough to act as the dominant one despite the fact that it isn't. Being disabled is like that but to a larger degree because those who are left-handed are at least generally thought about when people produce things that involve your hands, but most people don't think about your disabilities because they simply don't realize they need to think about it when creating/inventing things.

Because of this, most of us have to figure out aids to buy and use around the house just to do normal tasks. For example, I have to use a shower chair because I can't stand long enough for a full shower and moving around in a shower is hard as well. I couldn't just get a chair to put in there, though, cuz most regular chairs can't withstand water exposure. I also couldn't just buy any shower chair, but one that would fit into my tub, work best with my issues, be big enough to fully support me and be able to withstand my weight. I have had to try and find things to help me do regular daily tasks like that around the house and then have to wait till I have enough funds to afford them and even then those tasks will take so long to do and take so much out of me that I haven't figured out a way to even do a tenth of the stuff I used to be able to. So things end up piling up until someone can help me catch up. And the research to figure out this stuff and find things takes a lot longer than you'd think because you have to try to fit a puzzle piece that doesn't fully fit since it's very rare for a disability aid to be made specifically for which things are limiting the function you're trying to accommodate.

Basically, being disabled is not fun and implying that we are 'living the life' just cuz maybe we can keep up with a show or something better is incredibly insulting.

Able-bodied people usually see home as a place to relax and wind down.

Disabled people usually see home as a cage with a TV.

Fuck you if when a disabled person says their unemployed and stuck at home you say "that's the life hey?" IT'S NOT ITS FUCKING TORTURE

We CAN'T do things, basic tasks, looking after ourselves, walking, thinking, being mobile, we spend everyday in pain that would make you cry. Do you still think that's the life? Waking up with bed sores? Having seizures constantly and no one helping figure out why? Having to spend hours setting up and disconnecting from medical equipment that keeps you alive? That's your goal?

We don't spend our time at home just fucking around.

I wish I could work, I wanted to be a doctor, but I can't even drive anymore.

So don't you dare say you want this life, that I'm living your dream staying at home.

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3269

nice.

anyway, i went to the school today to work with kendall and catch up with other people at the school. the latter was so i don't have to do it tomorrow and have it take up the time i'm supposed to be working with people. made it easier today too so i could go home.

i am home! because clan sussenberger has returned in its fullness, i am released to the wilds of my own accord. meaning i packed my laundry, grabbed my meds and blooper, and tested myself home after work. it's nice to be home. it's much cooler in this house.

i did get to say goodbye to joel when i left today, and while i wish i'd gotten cuddles last night, i was happy to hear him snoring softly next to me and keep the heat at bay. i just adore him.

it's been a long day, but i figure my exhaustion is just my response to change. a lot has changed in terms of work and schedules, and the stress of having six dollars is getting to me. i didn't have enough money to get lunch today, so i asked my mom to borrow some, and i got to return it a few hours later after my money from joel transferred into my account. i'm grateful that my mom replied because i was hungy. lunch is necessary.

also there was a fire drill today at the school, and it happened while i was working with kendall. we ended up sitting in my car bc air conditioning, and then to get it kickstarted, i decided to take it and drive it in circles in the parking lot. gotta move it to get it going, yknow? after the fire trucks began to leave, when people were finally going back in, kendall and i decided to go get ice cream instead of going back inside. 😂😂😂 we went to dairy queen and headed back to the school where she went back in when she was done to read and study some more. i gave her some tips for her assignment in how to make sure you remember finer details, which is something i've always struggled with, so hopefully as she works further on it she'll be able to get the information she needs, even if she doesn't remember the whole essay. she got a concussion a short while ago, and it's affected her cognition a lot so she's struggling. but hopefully, if she jots down and highlights the important pieces, by going through them she'll be able to get the point of the whole paper.

when i got home, i had a pork chop and rice pilaf and i cannot tell you how nice it was to have a home cooked meal and a cup of ice cold water. if i gotta do the cooking myself, it's never as good as when mom makes it. i can cook. it's gotta be reasonable though, like i gotta be living on my own or responsible for something, and it's gotta be cool enough inside for me to make it. i think i just got a decent incentive to lose weight - it hurts my feet to stand for a long time, probably because i'm so heavy. if i lose some weight, i'll have an easier time standing and therefore cooking. i'll have to think about that some more. it seems like a good idea, but i'm a miserable pain in the ass when i'm hungry, so the reduction of calorie intake needs to still have a high volume of lower calorie foods for it to work. hungy.

i've spent too long eating the wrong things at the wrong times and not eating for long periods that i need a reset. how does one do that. but either way, i need to manage something. i'm 30 years old. i should probably think about my health.

what a weird path this post took. i'm hungry again.

[milkhoney531]

Personal rant

I just realized something. Growing up, I never had my needs met. Most of my life, I never had a bed frame. The only reason I had one after starting kindergarten is because I bought one last year.

The only reason I had clothes that fit me was from old job uniforms, christmas gifts from outside the family, or buying them myself when I got a job. Fuck, I once had a principal buy me an entire outfit because she noticed I wore the same outfits every week.

I haven't been to a doctor since middle school. I don't have a primary care doctor. I had to pay for one of those health clinics after being unable to walk for two years without pain, I let it get so bad that I didn't try to get care until I couldn't stand for 4 hours without vomiting from the pain, and even then it was hell just getting a ride.

I still haven't learned to drive, gotten a state ID, or even been to the dentist since around 2nd grade. I had to beg my Aunt for money just so I can buy a toothbrush and other essentials tomorrow. Hell, she is paying for my drivers lessons on saturday.

I'm going to be 22 next month. I'm moving in July. I own very little, but everything I own right now, I bought. I learned how to sew, self taught, out of necessity. I learned how to fix things for the same reason. A skill none of my siblings have, so they turn to me for help.

Most of what I own is hsnd me down clothes that never fit, so I'm going to be going through them and giving them away. After I move, my aunt is taking me in to help me out with paying for college, I'll have to save up for a new mattress. My current one is a gand me up from my little brothers, who got brand new beds, mine was in a flood and is older than me. More than half if the springs are collapsed and every night I have 1-2 springs trying to stab me in the back.

I don't think this is normal. Why do my siblings always have new, fitting clothes and such? At first I thought it was because I kept helping out financially. But, then I kept thinking back. Even before I had a job or was helping out so much, their needs were always met. Why weren't mine?

I was always expected to just, figure it out. To provide for myself somehow. I mean, I managed, but I was just a kid. I was in kindergarten when I started babysitting my siblings. Literally woken up in the middle of the night to do so. It might have started before kindergarten.

I was always expected to be a parent to my siblings. Always. I would sneak home food from school when they were sick so they could eat. I would skip meals so they had more. I would sell what little I had to pay for food and bills. Hell, I managed to strike a deal with my last period teacher to leave school early in middle school so I could be home to take care if the pets, do chores, help my siblings with homework, and make dinner. Then when I finally went to college the first time, my mom got cancer so I dropped out and came home to help. I worked two jobs, one job had me come in for 10hr shifts every morning, the other for 5hr shifts every night. When it got worse I quit the less paying job and spent my afternoons tending to my mom and trying to keep everyone in one piece.

I've spent my entire life ignoring my needs and wants to make sure everyone else's were met. I wanted desperately for my siblings to have the childhood I never had. I don't want them to ever go through what I do. And I succeeded.

And I think my dad realised that even though I'm helpful and all with everything, he knows that if I stay living with him and my siblings, I'll never be able to get my needs met or become truly independent. So he's kicking me out to go live with my aunt so I can go back to college and save up enough to move out. As scary as it is, I'm thankful for that. But I can't help but worry about my siblings, despite knowing they're in good hands and that they are nearly adults.

It's going to be really weird. I know it'll be good for me, but I can't help but worry.

[mirtifero]

The worse thing is that my mental health is IMPROVED. Imagine how I feeled when I had no friends and felt like I had no reason to live besides getting good grades. I want to cry because I don't have time to ride a fucking bicicle imagine how I'll feel next year!! Quick reminder that I'm on 2EM still!!!!! Not even fucking 3EM!!!!!!!!!!! HOW do these BASTARDS expect us to LIVE. "Time management" this and that I am EXHAUSTED I can't fucking DO THIS. Imagine if I had to work, huh??? Just imagine it????? If I had to work?????? Imagine how inhumane the life such a big portion of this country lives in!!!! Doesn't that anger you??? Doesn't it fill you with rage?????? I think people should be ANGRIER about our schools. About the stupid privatizations. About the stupid NEM. About the stupid way they require us to work. About capitalism. About fucking capitalism. These children are going to school to be able to eat yk?? Godddd i hate this FUCKING world we live in.

And then well grow up and go to college. And itll be just the same. And then well have to work. And work. And well have to wait until our bones crumble to get retired. And then well DIE of HUNGER because the money is not enough to sustain us. And yet!!! And yet!!!! These fucking BASTARDS are sooo sure of themselves. They are so happy. They are such hypocrites. I hate the school I go to. These fucking borgeois petty borgeois whatever with their heads shoved up their asses! No shit i only managed to get into a friend group where one of them is there because of a scholarship. Literally the only tolerable people there. They are so. Annoying. Fucking hell i care about your father. Cunt. I hope they grow to be killed by the people who will work for them.

[krysmcscience]

So, I have to say first off that, as a general rule, asking for money is my Number One biggest fear, particularly if it's coming from strangers. However, my mental health is also plummeting towards rock bottom with every passing day, stuck as I've been in this small southern USA town for almost nine years now. So, I figure, why not come to a compromise before I lose my marbles entirely? :D

For every donation, I will spend a minute for every dollar drawing whatever it is that you, the generous donor, wants me to draw.

"But wait!" you might exclaim, before I'm sure you would go on to wonder, "What if I only donate a dollar? How great could a one minute drawing possibly be?!" Well, certainly not perfect or even very detailed, but I can tell you this much: Every sketch in the fundraiser image took me between a minute to three apiece, and that’s only because I got finicky with some of them. ;) Here’s some better examples of what I can do with that time:

"Not bad, but do you actually have the time for this?" you might also be wondering. Probably not if the extremely unlikely occurs and this goes viral, but the moment I hit my goal, I'll be able to quit my job. Which tends to have the effect of freeing up time!

"Why do you want to leave the South so badly?" you ask? Ohhhhoho, a whole host of reasons, my friend! Let's get into those real quick:

I am from the Nevadan desert, and the South's swampy humidity makes me feel like I am constantly drowning in the devil's buttcheeks. :)

I need peace and quiet to be able to work on my (many) novels, and to not lose my mind in general, and yet my various neighbors seem to think that noise is the Best Thing Ever! If there's not a muscle car or motorcycle idling somewhere very close by - and vibrating through the foundation straight into my eardrums - there's a screaming competition, an involved house renovation, totally random fireworks for several hours somehow despite it being nowhere near a holiday, or literally an entire day or more of the most repetitive two-note bass music you could possibly imagine! And that last thing happens on an almost weekly basis!!! D8

Having been raised in Las Vegas, I am used to city folk, who tend to mind their own business and ignore everything else, and small town folk apparently Do Not Like That! All of my coworkers seem to be under the impression that I am obligated to share my every last life detail with them, and to acknowledge them every single time I pass within five feet of them, and to talk with them whenever they want me to regardless of how I'm feeling at the time, or else I must be "rude" and "probably the worst"? And I am So Tired of it. :D

It is beyond uncomfortable having to walk on eggshells around a bunch of people whose worldviews barely even count me as being a person, especially when that bunch of people happens to be dwarfed by the number of guns they own. I would love to be able to just be myself without having to worry that a bigot will shoot me, thanks. :]

I don't like being stuck in one place for too long, and yet I have been stuck here for Nine Literal Years, so I'm halfway convinced that this town is a metaphysical trap or something, or else I'd have been able to leave it on my own by now. I have never had this kind of trouble leaving a place before! All kinds of inconveniences and catastrophes have kept on popping up over the years to force me to stay longer, though, and uhhhh I kinda don't like that. It's spooky. :(

Speaking of spooky, maybe I'm imagining it, but I'm pretty sure that none of my neighbors have aged in the entire time I've been here??? Cuz like, one of the kids next door was a toddler when I first moved in, and is still a toddler now? Soooo, that's kinda spooky, too. Do Not Like. D:

Literally no one in the food service industry here knows how to get my orders right for some reason! I can order the simplest thing and they will still mess up my food, and only my food, guaranteed, almost every single time. HOW??? D:<

That last one probably seems out of place after Possible Paranormal Shenanigans, but that's fine. Is that also a reason to leave? Sure, why not. Anything can be a reason to leave, because I say so. :3c

It's the SOUTH, what else needs to be said here??? >:\

Moving on! "How do I get a drawing from you after I donate?" you ask? Easy-peasy. If you donate via my ko-fi page, you can simply leave me a message with your donation telling me what you want me to draw for you, or – if you want something a little more complicated or specific, like, say, an original character of yours – contact me at krystopholees@gmail.com and attach any relevant image references or descriptions of what you’d like to have drawn. The same goes for if you donate via my Paypal. Once you do that, I'll get to work on your drawing as soon as I can! The more donations there are, the longer it may take for you to receive it, but I can assure you that I will get it done for you within a more or less respectable timeframe.

"I'd like to know what that timeframe is first," you might be saying, quite reasonably, because I'd like to know, too! Unfortunately, I can't really predict how this exercise will go, given that I still have to work a full-time job right now, but I will be drawing on a 'first come first serve' basis, so if donations are slow, you can probably expect to have your drawing either within the day, or up to three days after. If donations come in quickly, though, all bets are off, because I could finish your drawing the same day, or up to two weeks later! But regardless of how long it takes overall, should I reach my goal, I fully intend to have everything drawn within a month after donations are closed. Even if it does take longer, no matter what, you absolutely will get a drawing from me if you donate.

"You aren't just going to do sketches for a big donation, are you?" some potentially very generous people might ask, to which I say, certainly not! The larger the donation, the more time I can spend on making your drawing look beautiful for you. That could involve anything from a cleaner sketch, to linework, all the way up to coloring, shading, and possibly even a background! It all depends on what you want me to draw, and what I'm able to do with the time you give me. ^-^

"Is there anything you won't draw?" you might like to know. Obviously, NSFW stuff is off the table - think PG-13 at worst. I also won't draw anything that's hateful of others, or anything that supports hate, because that's just not how I roll. "But then," you might add, "how do you roll, artistically speaking?" Perhaps obviously, my wheelhouse is cartoons and - to a lesser degree - anime, specializing in organic and (mostly) human characters, but if you want me to step outside my creative box, I will gladly give it a shot and do my very best! Just please don't ask me to draw realism, please, please, for both our sakes, just Don't. Neither of us will like the result. I will do it, but it will be All Kinds Of Awful. O_O

"Can I just donate without getting a drawing?" asks No One, because there is No One who doesn't like getting stuff drawn for them. And in response to No One, I fling out the link to my GoFundMe and then promptly go to hide in a corner, completely terrified of getting something for nothing - for reasons I can only guess at, but which a psychiatrist would probably pay me over just to have the sheer challenge of trying to figure them out. In fact, I am so terrified of this concept that I am going to go hide in that corner For Real now, and end this post.

Byeeeee

[cordria]

hey cori! we were talking about your fics in a chat today and i thought i’ll check up on you. hows the family? i love the quilt you made btw!!

Decent. Life goes on.

And the quilt turned out awesome. I'll have to snag a picture of it. I ended up filling it with down from an old comforter I bought at a second-hand store and using a fish-sheet for the back. I use a fish-scale quilting pattern to hold the down in place.

Hubby, who had originally thought it a big unnecessary, loved it so much we now have matching cushions (made from an old memory foam mattress pad that we cut up) and curtains for the fish house. It looks nice. :)

Longer version:

- Two kids are running around crazily and making life busy. Oldest is struggling in school because she's gifted / possibly autistic and the rural school she attends doesn't have an appropriate program for her (ie: high academic rigor and lots of social/emotional skills). Trying to get her into a different school for next year, but I'd have to open-enroll and that school closed open-enrollment for COVID reasons and it's not going well, and I'm not sure how we'd get her there every day anyways because the bus doesn't run to our house. Younger started preschool a few months ago, but the school keeps getting closed due to an outbreak of COVID they can't seem to get under control because you can't mask 2-3 year olds safely, so we're struggling with child care for him, and worries about him bringing the virus home to my husband, who is medically unable to be vaccinated.

- Work sucks. I teach at a middle school and it just sucks. Lotsa reasons that have been rehashed endlessly. Basically boils down to staff not being all on the same page, everyone being tired and frustrated, and nobody knowing how to properly support this many kids struggling with social and emotional issues at once. AND I can't take days off without getting side-eyed by admin because we have like two subs for our whole district, so bye-bye mental health. Had a panic attack yesterday while subbing for gym class - that was fun. It's like my twentieth this school year. (I'd go back on meds for it, but coming off the meds sucks more than the panic attacks do.) Doesn't help that my principal has checked out completely and is dealing with lots of personal issues and a school board that hates him.

- I made the good/bad decision to go back to college to get a degree in instructional coaching and curriculum design. I'm like 75% done, but it's eating every spare moment of my life because I'm pushing to be done in 15 months (one school year and two summers). But I got a seriously good grant, due to how little money my family made in 20-21, and couldn't pass up the opportunity. That, and I could switch from public school teaching to a private multi-district entity in a few towns away that coordinates curriculum, or do something through the local college as a professor... which sounds less stressful. (I also want to do more with writing, and would love the ability to drop to part-time and pick up freelance writing - this degree opens that option.)

- There's still a foot of snow on the ground and I'm ready for spring. Welcome to mud season in Minnesota.

- I teach a traditional ecological unit in association with the reservation a dozen miles from the school (ie: how to coordinate with Native Americans to use ancient mythology to inform ecological decisions of today), and I'm currently being sued for violation of the establishment clause in the 1st amendment (church and state are separate). District lawyer says the lawsuit is an utter waste of paper and won't go anywhere - much like the people that sued the school board for a million dollars in emotional damage to their children for the mask mandate - but it's an added stress I don't need.

- We made precisely $724 too much last year and will lose a lot of our government benefits when our paperwork goes through, unless minimums are raised for those benefits. That $724 will cost us thousands. We spent hours staring at our taxes trying to figure out how to fix it without doing something illegal and failed, so we're just crossing our fingers that since cost of living is spiking the benefit limits will go up too. So there's another added stress I don't need right now.

- On the positive side, I get a week off for spring break this week. :) And I'm starting to plan out my garden, which is exciting. Nine more weeks of hell and I get summer!!