#not so hungry anymore

[bixels]

When I was getting my diagnosis, my psychiatrist told me right after giving me my prescription that I need to consider eating food a part of my medication, and that flipped a switch in my brain that oh. Maybe willingly starving myself and eating only one meal a day isn't healthy.

[frogburger12]

i think hes tall enough to ride that roller coaster now guys...

[morangoowada]

Brazilian Mondo and Daiya????????

[fatedroses]

The overwhelming power of the doting grandparent.

[hyruviandoctor]

Just a reminder that we all are carrying unseen burdens.

For example, Destiny 2 is my favorite game.

[ilovemydetectiveboys]

...

I made a shark cookie!!!

[focsle]

Something about this little note a whaler added in the margins of his journal gets me.

224 [days out] My book is very damp ink spreads.

Can’t really articulate why but I think it’s something about…the process of reading it now in all its spreading ink, and seeing this little complaint he penned in the moment to explain the ink quality. It‘s a concrete physical link to a little moment in time when this book was new (yet damp) in a fellow’s hands 170 years ago.

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

I've been thinking about how Vash always seems to be hungry. Or at least, that he's shown eating quite often in the manga. Happily having his salmon sandwiches. Eating an entire box of donuts in the side car. Knowing the conversion rate of bullets to pizza. Seeing a flower and immediately wondering if it's edible. Pondering his life over breakfast. It's a really cute little character detail about him - he likes food.

But then I kind of started to think about the angel arm and its specific brand of destruction. How there were no bodies to be recovered. Nothing but a crater left of July, left on the Fifth Moon. It's all been incinerated. Devoured, even. Tristamp takes it even a step further and makes the power something akin to a black hole - a yawning drain; a constant destructive hunger.

Vash is clearly terrified of this potential for destruction, and for very good reason. But it's not separate from him as some kind of "power he can't control" - it's his arm. It's literally his arm. It is him. Vash is scared of himself, scared of losing control. He does what he can to repress it, even subconsciously (the gaps in his memory whenever it activates). He can't control it in the moment, so he takes steps to preemptively push it down, to avoid the use of his abilities entirely, to hide himself away.

I talked a bit in a previous post about how there are probably several interrelated reasons for Vash's chronically avoidant behaviour, but I'd like to throw one more into the ring and suggest that it's not just a matter of not deserving to want things, but maybe also that he's afraid of wanting. That if he allows himself to even think about what he wants personally that he'll want too much, take too much, and that the only cure in his mind for this is to give and give repeatedly.

I wonder how starved he is for love. Vash loves hard, after all. Once he loves (and I’m not talking about the broad, distant love/compassion he has in general), for better or worse, he carries them around with him forever, long after they've passed. Does he feel like it'd be selfish to admit this kind of want? His love isn't really a passive thing after all - it's the drive at his very core; a mournful inferno he is just barely suppressing. Does he remember how to love in a way that doesn't consume him entirely?

Is that part of the reason he checks out at signs of intimacy? Diverts gifts towards others? Tends to accept kind gestures only when under an assumed name? Intentionally starves himself in Tristamp? Runs and runs and runs? Is he afraid he won't be able to stop hungering? That allowing himself to want means his want will become insatiable?

I just have to wonder how much of his avoidance of connection is being scared that he will cause more destruction (to them? or to him?) by trying to take far too much into his hands than he ever caused by turning his back and running.

...of course I may just be entirely deranged here sorry.

[bapple117]

The air is starting to smell like isolating myself and avoiding all contact with everyone again and I’m not sure if I really want that but I am

o v e r w h e l m e d

[13eyond13]

I feel like one of the big differences between an okay monster movie and a banger of a monster movie is that the monster has to be JUST as interesting as the human characters. Half of the audience should probably end up rooting for the monster as much as the other half is rooting for the people, do you know what I'm sayin...

[fiendishartist2]

work in progress?

[malaierba]

Been thinking, there's an issue with how creators and readers often approach the theme of "coming back wrong", since so much of the emphasis ends up being put in the "they came back part". Especially on the readers' side, the idea that someone would do whatever it takes to bring you back is parsed as romantic and devoted, which it can be, but it overlooks a big element of the concept.

Coming back wrong, or even just performing forbidden rituals etc in general, for it to be impactful needs to place a big AND constant focus on the in-universe equivalents of Do Not Resuscitate & bodily autonomy when one can't consent.

It's not just the coming back. It's that you don't know what type of body, what type of mind you're coming back to. It's the dysphoria, if it can exist (and it should), and the expectation that you'll be okay with whatever was done to your inert body when you couldn't decide over it. You're back, you're alive, surely you can get over the circumstances under which it happened, be thankful.

You don't even need to get abstract with "the inherent feeling of wrongness that comes from being brought back from death", most humans can't relate to that, it's vague to the point where it isn't real stakes. It's just a non-issue mentioned to give a fake sense of stakes.

But if you take inspiration on DNR, from people whose lifestyle was changed radically from being saved from a situation where they may have preferred to be allowed to pass on. Like, say:

You come back, and you gotta learn to use your body from zero, and you'll be reliant on others forever. Or you come back and you look so different you feel disconnected from yourself, and every waking moment is uncomfortable. Or you come back, and too much time has passed, you feel like the life you were meant to live got away from you. Or you come back, and what was done to your changes you so fundamentally you end up isolated even if it's no one's intention. Or the ones that brought you back didn't do it selfishly but out of entitlement to your life.

The wrongness needs to be acknowledged often to the point of tediousness, only then would the spectator get a real sense of "okay, I see now why that'd be an issue, and why many would hate it".

[nikoisme]

okay what happens when you're so tired to the point you're not tired anymore??? you wish nothing but to sleep but sleep won't come?? Asking for a friend.

[a-tired-human-draws-junk]

Dunmeshi themes of consumption on the brain

[wwerasliin-sideblog]

Are they really changing though, and is it enough? —

["I'm not an older brother...""I'm not a Wiseman...""....I'm the 'Tribal Chief'. And that means I take what's mine." —for 4 years taking what's *ours*— "We had it all. [...] everybody feared us....""...I don't like being out of control."]

—This right here pretty much sums it up. Roman doesn't understand, what it is to be anything or anyone other than who he's been, the last 4 years.

We get to see a little more into the inner workings of what drives Roman. What he's not, what he is, what he used to be and what he still wants to be. - He doesn't like that things have changed, that things are different now. He's not in control.

It's going to be hard to break from who he's molded himself into, who he's been for the past 4 years. The success he's had, being the way he is, running things the way he has.. Why would he want to change that? When like he said, it's brought him all the money, power, and respect.

The only question now is, if he doesn't understand what it's like to be different, or why he needs to be different... How's he going to choose better or different, and what's he going to choose? Is he going to change, and does he want to change, how's he going to change? How is he going to become who he wants to be? WHO does he want to be, and what kind of person is that going to be?

It's very simple, Roman might (seems to) be a moving away from his heelish persona now, but he's still got a long way to go. He's still very conflicted, and frankly I don't think he's ever going to fully let go of the core essence; of what built him, shaped him, and made him into being the transcendent and unassailable 'Tribal Chief' that he was is.

He's going to have to start somewhere though—Acknowledging his past, what he's done, done to the people around him, especially the ones closest to him, the ones he's meant to "love". A show of some kind of remorse, a genuine apology. The fact that it's Jimmy that seems to be nudging him down this path...

As I mentioned in my previous post, Jimmy - [compassionate to a point, rightness and integrity, even a bit of kindness, sneaking out; the voice of reason - acting as Roman's conscience. Making Roman a little less evil (at least for now) in this instance.]

I like how Jimmy ends up telling Roman the hard truths - about them NOT being the Ones anymore, that they need HELP (help we surmised was Jey, even before Jimmy showed up at RAW this week - which honestly deserves a whole post on its own), YET, he's in the same breath, explicitly stating that he came back for Roman, that Roman is and always will be his '*Tribal chief*', the only one who's still on his side, the only one in the family that still acknowledges him.

You can see Roman really thinking about the words Jimmy has just thrown at him, clearly contemplating them as he watches Jimmy walk away. The look he's giving Jimmy, it's hard to tell if it's because of the blatantly truthful and factual words of reality he was forced to hear or if it's the fact that Jimmy has just called him out in front of everyone, or, if it's Jimmy walking away from him. More likely, a combination.

We can still see and feel Roman's struggle, to be himself, the *tribal chief* who only takes and takes, the one in power, the one in control, the one who's only ever cares about himself, being on top. Or, to stop Jimmy from walking away, to go after him. — in the end his pride chooses for him - to let Jimmy go.

But, there's a slight ray of sunshine, when Roman eventually comes to backup Jimmy, it's a little late but I guess that's the struggle he has to deal with, the choice he had to make... And, in a way he's answering Jimmy, he's responding to him, reaching out; this time he's come for Jimmy, this time he's acknowledging Jimmy as part of his "tribe".

— On the other hand, I still see glimpses of them seeming to be the very same underneath it all.

Roman acknowledges Jimmy only to a point and Jimmy just takes what he gets. A couple of examples:

- inturrupting Jimmy (his first time back, addressing the crowd) just when he's about to focus the spotlight on himself and Solo, "Solo I plan on kicking your as—", — Roman makes his grand entrance right then, and now all eyes are focused on him. But, he masks it, he masks the inturruption by "sharing" some of the spotlight with Jimmy (acknowledging 'Big Jim') but then immediately turns it back all on himself again. And Jimmy just let's him, because he got some, little bit of acknowledgement from Roman. Forgetting why he was there in the first place - to talk about himself and his brother Solo.

- Roman is still unable to hand over the mic, he gives Jimmy just enough though, to keep him satisfied and by his side - a low-five instead. It's a gesture significant big enough for Jimmy to feel validated and small for Roman to still feel in control, keeping them both satisfied for now. Jimmy's content with the little he gets from Roman, this is enough for him, it's enough for now, just like it always has been. And Roman knows that..

[ganondoodle]

started to write a whole post about starting to doubt myself immediately, but had to stop bc i was falling into an intense panic attack so fast like i dont think i ever had before- now being conscious again i deleted all the panic talk-

i know i speak from a place of priviledge, but also know that the priviledged should speak up- so i tried, knowing i cannot handle situation like this well, even after all this time

ill turn off anon for a while, sorry nice anons :(