#not right now though ! cause it is. late.
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im so crazy over the tragedy of everything q!bbh does being under a demon pretense even though he's a fallen angel.
do u think he just accepts the demon label because it's easier. do u think he believes it too, and catches himself in his thoughts with "oh, right. im not exactly that". and maybe he believes that he did this to himself? do u think what he did was to protect himself or someone? no matter the fall, he still has so much kindness to give and his brain just isn't wired the way a natural-born demon would be, he can't hold back instincts when time demands it, maybe that's why he fell in the first place.
and when he's finally bad, not good, it's treated like the end of the world, without empathy on why he would act out. do you think this keeps happening? the same scenario, multiple times, every timeline? he has to be used to it. so he has to take it in stride. he's good until he lashes out under extreme pressure, and suddenly he's called demon. and once again he's what heaven made him out to be. what he made himself to be, his brain would ruthlessly provide...
i don't think he wants to be that, though he hides secrets behind secrets of which neither identity is a home... but i don't think he wants to have to change, either. and i don't think that's wrong of him.
...you collapse atlantis ONE TIME and all of a sudden YOU'RE the bad guy and SURE it was FUN but REALLY now,--
#lots of expansion on this in tags beware#this is a draft from 2:40AM the day before i just felt something within me and i needed to write about fallen angel q!bbh angst NOW#this post is brought to you by q!bbh in purgatory and post-purgatory i will never forgive you purgatory 1#no one can bear to have a healthy conversation about q!bbh's behaviors let alone TO q!bbh. BUT IF Q!BAGHERA WASN'T STUCK ON THE ISLAND...#i miss u bbh + baghera interactions let me see u soon pls#he isn't impossible to communicate with ur just not jiving with his autism right u can get through to him i swear BUT TOO LATE he DIED#now he doesn't remember!!! (unless that part of the library is recovered) u lost ur shot!!! (ur issues with him will rise again)#now every time bagi goes “'cause he's a demon” with bbh i go OH MAN SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT'S MORE... it hurts how flippant it is sometimes#because WE KNOW OH MAN WE KNOW IT'S MORE and this concept of him being fallen adds SO MUCH CONNOTATION to EVERYTHING he does#it isn't just DEMON THINGS it's GOD MADE ME THIS THINGS and i just can't wait to know WHY what did you DO!!!#your instincts are to be nice though cautiously detached when your life restarts so WHAT DID YOU DO IF YOU ARE NOT INHERENTLY BAD???#goopert talks qsmp#qsmp#qsmp badboyhalo
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Um what are you doing?? You’re late to our hug me from behind and press soft kisses to the back of my neck meeting :/
#wlw#wlw mood#sapphic#sapphism#lesbian#really messed up you would miss it :/#it’s okay though we can reschedule it does constantly and all the time work for u or….???#anyone else just want to be treated SOFT right now#wanna be loved and loved and loved and LOVED#cause yeah#im feeling some type of way lately😪#im gay and i like sleeping
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#gintama#okita sougo#sakata gintoki#gintama kagura#hijikata toushirou#shimura shinpachi#kondou isao#katsura kotarou#shinsengumi#gintama elizabeth#sarutobi ayame#otose#catherine#me trying to rewatch gintama#actually i never finished it but lookame right now#hihi#brings back funny moments#it's kinda weird though cause the art looks like those of an old anime#however it's still good#haha#is it too much tags#anyways no one judging me kay#me heart is fradgile#but I'd like some reacts snd comments#if yag wantto discuss something bout gintama feel free to discuss it with meee#well that's all the tags fow today#ps sorry i haven't pose lately#just busy studying lessons hard even though im not in college#okay this is real byebye ~<3
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I mean I’m obsessed with crash landing on you because it’s like if a hallmark movie was good and that is fascinating to my brain and healing to my heart.
#I didn’t think such a thing was possible#I’ve been living very much in a world of extremes lately re: Art#like. on the one hand all the great works I teach just taking OVER my brain#and my knowledge of them deepening at a very rapid pace#(sometimes in a too terrifying way so I feel like I’m hurtling down a hill. it’s actually really hard sometimes and I think part of how)#(my anxiety is manifesting itself. like. I just. I don’t feel like I’ve taken a deep breath in a year)#(I’ve just been in. motion.)#and then on the other hand finding new ways to find shows like Bridgerton dead#and Bridgerton helps with that because it is emotionally hollow. because it is fundamentally embarrassing#because Anthony snarling at Kate about how his honor is hanging by a thread isn’t sexy at all#so my mind has kind of just been living in those two extremes and there hasn’t been a lot of room for gentleness or nuance#but cloy is very healing 😭 and it just doesn’t#push the buttons in my brain that immediately need to analyze and#to some extent—destroy! tear apart! with fierce and savage energy.#it just lets my brain and heart exist.#and also there is something so sweet and pure and real about so much of it#I think it’s cause it’s true love 😭 and it’s that simple.#(I’ve also outgrown/moved on from some of the more mediocre things I used to love. Like I just needed something new) but yeah.#it has been very hard in my brain lately even though it’s also been very good#like. teaching is just a lot these days. because it takes sooooooo much effort and work to get the kids going intellectually speaking#and one of the only ways I know how to reach them. or at least the lane I’m really driving in right now#(I know there are more ways)#is simply speaking to them above their heads. with passion and energy and a certain degree of expertise#and it’s WORKING#because it wakes them up and makes them want to engage#but I am also moving so fast and so vulnerably for all of my certainty. that it’s just hard.#I need to relax but I can’t. I feel like the devil is behind me every second#this is dramatic. and as Lewis said in surprised by joy it’s only one layer of what’s happening#but it is what happening#a lot of things are unfolding/growing and also the anxiety is terrible
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Just when she was learning how to walk you throw her in the cube??
#mermay#mermay 2024#mermaid#aaaaa posting late 'cause i had work#anyway she's an epaulette shark#which btw? way way way longer than I thought they were#I had to resketch her like four times to try and fit all that shark in this cube#it's not as hard as the *other* shark I'm working on right now though#you'll see when we get there#art challenge#anyway I've got to get drawing I have a convention this weekend and I will not be able to draw fish during that
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have i ever talked about how barton is genuinely jealous of people who seem happy because he feels so hollow a majority of the time that even when he's 'happy,' he's not really happy? because i just 😭 yeah...
#OF MONSTERS AND MEN: musings.#yeahhh i'm hitting y'all with the angst now because although i could EASILY talk about how horrible barton is for a while...#he knows that he's horrible and he feels like a monster who exists on the outside of everything that is 'warm' and 'good' sometimes#and although it doesn't haunt barton as NEARLY as much as it should be he does sometimes spend days on end just. In bed and crying#because he feels like he physically CAN'T be normal like everyone else and that he has deserved every terrible thing that has happened-#to him because it he legitimately believes it was too late for him since the beginning. that merely born as part of the mathis family-#had pegged him for misery and causing people pain because that's what his father did as well as his father's father and likely-#even further back. and i just... UGH i am of course allowed to feel sympathy for a fictional character at times but it's such a double-edged#sword with some because even barton has these moments where he is not so bad and maybe even does something kind by another-#person you know? but he is self-destructive and sabotages his relationships + his anger is just. out of control and it's kind of sad#but also like... if you want something to change then you've got to do it for yourself. i don't think barton as a character right now KNOWS-#how to change though and that is honestly tragic in and of itself
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♡ Drawing other farmers ♡
Here is farmer Cece, who belongs to @demilesbeannn !
I kinda struggle with drawing bangs like hers in general, so I hope she doesn't look too off- Her design is super cute and fun to draw either way!!
also, side note, I love her color pallet so much??? It looks so soft-
#Stardew Valley#SDV#SDV Art#Stardew Valley Fanart#SDV Farmer#Farmer Stardew Valley#Other farmers#My Art#Pechadoodle#Also sorry about no content lately‚ I'm in a pretty bad SDV art block right now 😭#Feel free to request anything 'cause I got no ideas-#Might post things for other fandoms I'm in so I don't get burnt out of SDV entirely- Who knows-#I will still draw other people's farmers though!! because everyone's designs are just aughdgjkdfkfjksdlfs /pos#when in doubt‚ draw a farmer 👍
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i dont rly know what to do bc usually just leaving it at "we can flirt and nothing more" is feasible but them becoming my fp has Complicated it
#i wish i could just make them not my fp#cause then there would be no problem i wouldnt be so emotionally distressed about this#but id like to still be friends cause they're nice and also a good person to play ovw with#but i don't know if i can balance all that while they're my fp bc of How It Makes Me#currently writing out thoughts in my notes app cause i won't be able to sleep unless i do#but i don't know What i need to say to them#i also feel embarassed bc. im so fucking mentally ill and it shows#i feel like the only solution is to stop talking to them and everything. but i don't want to :/#im going to see what the week brings#bc i start classes. so maybe my focus on classes will help lessen the feeling#but i fear that ill stay up late just to game with them or something. maybe that's something i can just tell them though#man i wish i had a therapist right now#jester.txt
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Kikuo's worthless child song makes me think about Minako and Kizuna quite a bit
Oh.
Ohhhhhhh nooooooo.
That huuuurts.
Minako caring for Kizuna but also being a toxic parent as she often puts her down in response to any sort of emotional outburst instead of trying to offer emotional support, and also just how she ends up passing her unrealistic and toxic expectations on beauty standards down to her because "that's all that matters for a girl." And by the end of the song, the child, now older, disappears (a.k.a. die in Kizuna's case) and the parent is left berating themselves for everything that's happened, wishing they can turn back time. But all Minako can do is live with the regrets of the past and the self-hatred that's left behind.
#DRA#Minako Tomori#Kizuna Tomori#DRA Spoilers#sorry if this response is a bit lackluster#my brain is kinda mushy right now since I'm answering this ask late at night#(also Primadonna Girl by Marina and the Diamonds reminds me of Kizuna a LOT)#(“All I ever wanted was the world; can't help that I need it all”)#(“Would you do anything for me? Buy a big diamond ring for me?”)#(“I know I've got a big ego; I really don't why it's such a big deal though”)#(“When you give I want more more more; I wanna be adored!”)#(“Get what I want cause I asked for it; Not because I'm really that deserving of it”)#(just to name a few lines)#(Homewrecker (by the same singer) too for Minako)#(like the lines “You could say that my life is a mess; but I still look pretty in this dress~!”)#(“Instead of love and trust and laughter; what you get is happy never after.”)#(gives me big Minako vibes)
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Drowning out my feelings with Dr. Pepper, falling back in love with Silence is Golden But Consequences Are Red, and thoughts of Mother Hen Wolf Shifter!Ghost
*rant in the tags if y'all want*
#i have been having entirely too many feelings lately#and not a time nor place to cope#I have been having far too many conversations about the future and it's starting to make me freak out#this aquarium trip was supposed to help me answer the questions I had about what schooling/degree I would need to be an aquarist#all it did though was make me realize that being an aquarist may not actually be right for me#which now means I don't know what I would be going back to school for#which sucks absolute ass because I miss being a student. I miss that freedom and I miss learning#i miss being a college student so badly actually and I honestly regret dropping out. Like I did before but now#I always told myself it was for the best cause it's better than failing a semester and tanking my GPA#but now I've been stuck in this horrible depressive cycle and feeling so fucking burntout I can barely function half the time#now I don't have any time or energy to do things I love let alone do some self learning#I currently don't see any point in going back to school cause I don't even know what I would go back for and it's fucking scary#all of my siblings have had major things happen and are progressing on with their lives#and like I get i'm barely even in my twenties and I shouldn't be panicking this badly about my life#I feel like half of my troubles are self inflicted even though they're really truly not#but I can't help but feel I've doomed myself and my motor functioning is worsening#my executive functioning is down the fucking toilet and I can't fucking fix it and it's upsetting me#but god i just had a birthday this past week and about three years ago when I started college#I really believed I'd be in a much different place at this age than I am now#and it's scary it's fucking terrifying and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing and all I am doing is spiraling really badly
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I have decided that this upcoming week and a half are going to be extremely not "banana bread at work dude hell yeah"
#between 3 exams accounting for 50% of my grade in my class#returning not only to work after 10 days off but returning to see the manager who caused my mind to fully mentally break#and now also the 3rd thing#I'm just spent and i dunno how I'm gonna keep moving#i picked up a second job in a funeral home too#have to go shopping for clothes after work tomorrow but it can't be too late cuz i have to come home to let the dog out#i have to do the same quickly on tuesday after work before rushing back in the direction of work#where my school is#so i maybe get... an hour of time to cram before exam#i need to order propane#i need to fix my car#i need to take care of my lawn and house#i need to grocery shop#typing it all out helps#i think I'm gonna grocery shop today#though the thought of food makes me feel really sick right now#whatever I'll feel fine by like friday probably
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Things I did to prepare for Key:
brought my laptop to work
put on a movie for one of my classes so I could download the game
-movie was rated R, there were so many tits in my classroom, absolute fuckup
made another class watch a video on youtube and reflect on it, told them I was grading videos from seniors
-put in headphones and started playing the game while 'teaching'
continued playing the game while one of my classes was testing
-pretty sure someone cheated, did not have capacity to care - had already caught someone that morning, didn't want to go through the process again
-lied to them about grading senior papers too
breakfast for dinner
gave my next day's first, third, and fifth periods to a coworker (I didn't have 2nd or 3rd)
fell asleep at work today
(continued to let my class watch the rated R movie so I could actually grade the papers I was supposedly grading before)
#Key#don't tell my boss how badly I halfassed these past couple of days#because from his perspective I'm still pretty on top of things - at least compared to him#he asked to speak with me at the end of the day and I thought a parent had complained about the movie#no - he apologised for not being on top of something I had e-mailed about earlier this week and wanted to check in on it#every time I worry I'm bad at my job there is someone doing a worse job that makes me feel better about myself#I'll eventually post more about the game itself#but I actually do need to get my senior stuff done cause they graduate on Sunday#though I did get my last kid to passing today#now all of my seniors will pass my classes#idk about their others#except for one of them - that has three kids - my seniors needed to pass my classes for graduation#my freshies are not all going to pass#but it's on them#because if you turn in the classwork - even if tests aren't your thing - you will pass#I had a kid last year who will not be earning a diploma and literally cannot read who passed my class#because all you need to do is turn in the fucking work - even if you're getting 30s on tests and your work is crap - just complete it#thanks for reading my rambles this far - I promise I do care so much for my kids#just irritated with a few right now#(before you come for me - I accept late work for partial credit#until the last day of class which is more lenient than the school's policy)
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I just had an epiphany that device repair might actually be a career for me and I might just abandon the thought of eventually owning a nursery
#mine#personal#cause even though I'm really good at talking to customers (gotten worse lately cause I care less)#I'm really burnt out on retail#and even though I don't do much device repair at work right now it's probably one of the only parts that I actually enjoy#(other than the fact that I work with one of my oldest friends of course)
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Been playing a lot of path of titans and overall been in a dinosaur mood, so I thought, ‘why not make a dragon-saur?’ So…I did.
Not based on anything in particular just the ~vibes~
Could have, should have, used a reference for the wing positions but alas
#missed a few days cause of stuff going on irl that left me exhausted#and my hands were trying to cramp up as well so i needed to rest them#i gotta say though - flying around as a thalassodromeus (not a dinosaur btw) is so so so much fun and has really helped my mood lately#and my mood needs all the help it can get right now 😭#really enjoying pycno and laten and sarco as well#artists on tumblr#traditional art#art sketch#smaugust#smaugust 2023#dragon#wyvern
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.
#on like strictly an ooc basis though i know i haven't been here in a while and randomly just popped on to shitpost#'cause laura's post made me laugh (ty! ily!)#but i'm still mostly over on my other blog. i've had a lot going on and like being with my soft girls right now#and also star wars hasn't really been sparking joy recently and it's been making this dash feel claustrophobic in a way idk how else#to really describe? like it's nothing to do with the actual people or characters on this dash it's more just that it's almost all star wars#if that makes any sense at all?#(which is probably stupid because no one really cares about the muses on my other blog so i'm only playing myself here lmao)#(but idc they make me happy and it's fine that they aren't popular)#but i also find that it can be kind of hard to branch out from star wars to get a wider range to rp with on siri#'cause it's mostly just modern type or crossover type verses#and that's been feeling Hard lately just because of the star wars stuff i just mentioned#but i do have a star wars related project with a friend that'll be...sometime upcoming? so i'm hoping that it will spark the joy again#but for now i'm mostly over on my other blog but since i follow a lot of the same people i sometimes see things and pop over here lol#anywhomst if you're at all interested in sigrid from the hobbit or susan pevensie from narnia (or breha who's also star wars)#(idk i'm not having the same problem with breha as siri probably because she's on the multi? anyway back to the point)#then feel free to go follow my other blog which is @viaminvenia but no pressure!! sigrid and susan don't have star wars verses#ily all you're all so talented and such good writers and just *chef kiss* all over the dash#ooc
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don't know whether my neighbor meant to be passive aggressive when he mowed HALF my front lawn earlier without saying anything even though the grass wasn't even long since I just mowed 10 days ago but.......... 🤔
#we mow our lawn once a week im slightly late this time cause i work all day then it rains EVERY SINGLE DAY right as i get off work#so i was planning on doing it either today or tomorrow even though its not even that long anyways and theres barely any weeds#but i went out there to do it earlier and half my fucking lawn has been NOTICEABLY mowed#like bro went all the way to my mailbox in the front#and maybe he was just doing a bit extra cause obviously our lawns are connected but#HE WENT ALL THE WAY UP TO THE SIDE OF MY HOUSE SO#THAT'S LIKE 10 FEET AWAY FROM THE PROPERTY LINE. YOU DONT JUST DO THAT FOR SHITS AND GIGGLES#i just finished up the rest but now im like well if he did do it passive aggressively ive just 'given in' to him thinking#my grass was too long !! so now i feel like a stupid idiot GIRL who doesnt know when her grass is too long#EVEN THOUGH IT WASNTTTTTTTTT#i am overthinking and overanalyzing i am aware but the dads on my street intimidate me lmao#im the yard girl of the family so they talk to me when im out there doing yardwork#and now i feel like ive gotten a bad grade in Yard and got scolded or something LMAO#anyways rant over thanks for listening to my lawn gossip#j.txt
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