Tumgik
#not only because it was a queer awakening for me (lots of hot actors doing hot things and I was a teen)
wondrouswendy · 1 year
Text
I’m a fraud because I’ve never actually read Dracula, but I did sign up for Dracula Daily this year.
Not because I never wanted to read Dracula mind you. I was the kid in English class obsessed with Frankenstein instead.
4 notes · View notes
mydramaproblems · 4 years
Text
My Engineer - Review
Tumblr media
It was the fluffiest of dramas, it was the silliest of dramas, it was the age of unspecified queerness, it was the age of “Good god, can Bohn get over his jealousy already,” it was the epoch of the Plant Gay, it was the epoch of roasting real-person shippers. I feel like this drama slightly saved me during lockdown, and I’m bereft now that it’s over. It really left the gay angst behind, for the most part.
Pros:
Great side couples (I liked one of the side pairings better than the main one!)
Silly, light, fluffy fun
Only contains about ten minutes of Gay Awakening angst
Actively funny, doesn’t take itself seriously
This show actually stated appearance and personality don’t dictate top/bottom preferences
One of the actors owns five cats and feeds stray dogs in his neighborhood. Obviously this is nothing to do with the show, but AW, I felt you should know.
The less dominant half of the main couples stands up for himself at all times in a way that felt really refreshing and important
Cons:
IF you want hot action, this isn’t the show for you, even the innocent kisses are really minimal (if you want to avoid anything sexual this is great)
One half of the main couple goes Jealous way too many times
The acting isn’t amazing, but this isn’t the kind of show you watch for the acting
The pace is monumentally slow with some couples (I think partly because they’d already planned a second season), which, okay, that’s realistic but some of us need early-love fluff.
The show enjoys faking you out, setting something up and then skewing it so it’s not what you expect. In a way this is good but it can also be a little annoying
Spoilers under the cut!
One of the things that I know some people disliked but I LOVED was the way Mek and Boss’ relationship developed. I thought that was going to be a key source of angst and “Oh no, you’ve confessed to me and I’m instantly repelled and our friendship suffers for 3-10 episodes.” Having Boss react with “Dude, I’m in love with you too, why didn’t you tell me earlier?” was SO refreshing and cute. I didn’t really care about those two until then because of the angst-factor and Boss being kind of annoying but that changed my mind (the actor playing Boss in the one with five cats, fyi). I do wish they’d cooled it on Bohn’s jealousy. There’s only so many times he can learn the same lesson before you feel like he’s not making any effort to curb those irrational feelings. Duen’s reactions are always great though. He’s really clear about his boundaries in all respects.
Ram/King though, THAT’S the golden couple. Plant Gay and Dog Gay, together at last. They had great chemistry, and I feel like the dude playing King was the best actor of the bunch. I can just see them on a little farm, lots of room for the dogs, lots of greenhouses for King as he drops out of engineering and goes into botany. His little freak out at the end, confuses me though.
That’s actually one of weak points in general. Though the gay angst is very short-lived, it comes from two characters (Bohn and King) who seem the most confident about the person they like. From the first two episodes I assumed Bohn was openly bi and fully aware that he had developed a crush on Duen. That just felt odd and out of character, like something they were required to add. It also feels unclear if King’s drunken freakout was due to Gay Awakening angst or assuming Ram didn’t like him. I should rewatch that scene before I post this, but I might forget.
Someone come chat to me about this epic show and help me find more gay fluff (where the entire main cast is queer). If they ever start making shows like this with wlw I will die of happiness. Or just, you know, having a side couple who are women! Come on, TV industry.
27 notes · View notes
Text
I did not get around to this yesterday but, a short selection of fictional things that meant a lot to me over the last decade! ...it is going under a cut bc it is Too Long sorry lmao.
Books
Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng: this book came out in September 2017 and I have read it four times already. It’s the kind of book I want to write but I’m not sure I’m clever enough to: every event and every character is so purposeful and you won’t catch everything the first time through. Every time I reread it I find something new to marvel at. I hope the Hulu series is half as good
Everything I Never Told You by Celeste Ng: this was the first piece of fiction I ever found with a family with a Chinese father and a white mother. This family is a lot less functional than my family, but I've read this three times because that means the world to me. 
Ash by Malinda Lo: I discovered this in 2011 and it was the first f/f novel I ever read, and as I would later learn, one of a handful with a happy ending at the time, particularly in YA fiction. For a long time, I reread it every time I felt hopeless. I just reread it again last month and it is still as beautiful and meaningful to me as in 2011.
Girls of Paper and Fire by Natasha Ngan: This is an Asian-inspired fantasy (becoming more common now, but still irritatingly rare) written by a queer Asian woman, with f/f. I think it is only the second one of these, after Ash? It is frustratingly rare, anyway. The worldbuilding is incredible also.
The Astonishing Color of After by Emily X.R. Pan: We are getting more stories about biracial Asians, but they are still pretty rare and I treasure every one. This one felt so real to me.
The Miseducation of Cameron Post by Emily M. Danforth: The first half of this book captures so beautifully what it’s like growing up queer in a religious environment when you don’t even have the words or self-awareness to know what you’re feeling. This was another one I read over and over again when I was feeling low.
The Scorpio Races by Maggie Stiefvater: this is just a book for horse girls. I don’t know how else to describe this lol. I also feel like the romance is super downplayed until the very end, and honestly barely feels like a romance to me, so that’s refreshing!
Movies:
Pacific Rim (2013): I remember having this weird feeling when asked to give my top 3 movies once in high school, like maybe my favorite movie hadn’t come out yet so I couldn’t answer properly. I was right; this is the movie I was waiting for. This is my favorite movie. The feelings this movie gives me is the standard I hold all movies to.
Terminator: Dark Fate (2019): but Megan, didn’t this just come out? Yes, and it’s my other favorite movie now. I love (almost) every second of this movie. This movie made me feel a way that I thought maybe I might never feel again, after a certain other franchise movie this year took a dump on my heart. I don’t care that we’re never getting a sequel, we got this and that’s enough for me.
Thor (2011): Those of you who have been around awhile know that I really love this movie. I loved it before we all jumped on the Thor train after Ragnarok and I will continue to love it probably my whole life. It just makes me happy.
Aquaman (2018): This is Thor but underwater and with a biracial hero. It made me cry in the theater and I do not want to hear any negative opinions about it, I find them personally wounding.
Belle (2013): The fact that Gugu Mbatha-Raw isn’t a superstar is tragic, and this movie is gorgeous and lovely and made me feel a lot of things as a biracial person.
Mad Max Fury Road (2015): I remember seeing the trailer for this in the theater and going “yikes that looks like a thing I would never watch.” Joke’s on you, past me!!!! I find this a deeply stressful but glorious film that I can only watch like, once or twice a year.
Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010): I do not need or want to hear about how this movie is Problematic, I know all of its issues, and yet. It brings me joy and it was one of the first movies I saw when I was just starting to break out of my religious upbringing and I laugh until I cry every time I watch it.
Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015): I am starting to realize that I am not and never really was a Star Wars Fan, which is to say that like...I love this movie specifically, I love the characters, I love the interactions, I love the stuff that happens. I do not so much love Star Wars as a whole? I like it fine! But this movie is the only part of the franchise to really make me go “oh, I get it.”
Professor Marston and the Wonder Women (2017): This was a weird little movie that nobody saw and nobody talked about, but I adore it because it’s so gentle and romantic. I don’t know how accurate it is to history and frankly I do not really care.
Big Hero 6 (2014): are you tired of me mentioning I’m biracial yet? This movie has biracial protagonists and a cute squishy robot and no romance and superhero stuff and I love it so much.
F8: The Fate of the Furious (2017): I went to go see this on a whim with my wife and it was one of the most joyous theater experiences of my life. I don’t know, I just love everything about it.
TV shows:
Community: This only kind of counts because it started in 2009 but I started it mid-s2 so eh. Seasons 1-3 of this show are written on my heart, I can quote a ridiculous amount of dialogue from them and these characters will stay with me forever. Warts and all, this is my show.
Dollhouse: Another technicality but like, I met my wife because we both loved Bennett Halverson so I gotta put this on here. It’s pretty significantly affected my life! Also I find that it holds up fairly well, if you’re down for the admittedly iffy premise and an ending that’s a bit of a mess narratively due to sudden cancellation.
Agents of SHIELD: I would never claim that this show is “good” but I do think that it has mostly figured out what the hell it’s doing. And it has been a pretty significant part of my fandom life for the last 6 years, so to leave it off this list would feel wrong. It gave me Daisy Johnson, first canon biracial superhero as played by a biracial actor, and for that i will always be grateful.
Warehouse 13: I could not tell you why I fell so deeply in love with this dumb, badly written show that shit the bed in the final episode more spectacularly than I could have imagined, and yet I did! I think probably it is because I love found family so much, and also I find goofy camp charming more often than not. And of course, there is Bering and Wells, the femslash ship that fandom forgot. I will never be over how no one knows what we have suffered!!!!!
Runaways: wow was this a surprise! The Runaways comic is my favorite comic besides Marjorie Liu’s X-23 run, and this show has basically nothing to do with it, and normally that would piss me off but they got my kids’ personalities down so well and all of the actors are so perfect that I really can’t complain. And also, this show has canon f/f and neither of them die at the end! Which is...better than some other shows I could mention!
Doctor Who series 1 and 5: I had a very intense Doctor Who phase in college, and after all was said and done and I quit the show for a time, I realized that although I love a lot of the characters, and Thirteen’s run is pretty good so far, what I really loved was Nine’s run and Eleven’s first season. That is the show at its best to me. Eccleston is my Doctor and Amy is my favorite companion.
Legends of Tomorrow: Look, I am as shocked as anyone that this, the scrappy underdog of the DCTV lineup, is the one that’s most emotionally competent and has the best character arcs! But here we are. Season 4 was some of my favorite TV I’ve seen, uh, ever.
Albums
Dirty Computer by Janelle Monae: I listened to this for basically a year straight after it came out. It’s just ridiculously good.
Something Fierce by Marian Call: This was my on-repeat album in college. i drew a lot of strength from it, and I think that it’s still the best album to recommend to people who ask me about her.
Standing Stones by Marian Call: I heard most of these songs live at concerts before they were quite done yet, so it was really special to get to hear them all collected together like this. I’m going to get a tattoo with a lyric from one of these songs because no one’s quite been able to put my basic philosophy into words quite like Marian.
Heartthrob by Tegan and Sara: Hot Take, I know, because a lot of people hate this album, but it was so affirming to go out and buy A Lesbian Album from A Lesbian Band in 2013.
The Rent movie soundtrack: I know, I KNOW, but in my defense, my parents got me this for my birthday my first year of college and I needed it so desperately. I can definitely still do “La Vie Boheme” from the beginning and probably most of the other songs too.
In the Heights OBCR: I can only listen to this when I want to cry, but it’s my favorite musical. I got to see the show in 2018 and it was incredible. I think it’s better than Hamilton and I can’t wait for the movie to come out.
Trouble by Natalia Kills: this album is really great and also it says fuck a lot, which I used to be very nervous about hearing or saying, and this helped immensely!
#me
9 notes · View notes
robronsecretsanta · 6 years
Photo
Tumblr media
a madness to the method
(AO3)
Rating: E
For @notforonesecond . Merry Christmas! From your Secret Santa. May this bring you as much joy as your presence on here brings me.
:::::
He stands there, script page in hand and a growing pit in his stomach, as Robert Sugden walks up to him with a grin.
“What you waiting for? Get your kit off.”
:::::
It’s his third big role, but the first one that actually means something, Aaron having acted in a couple of big-budget blockbuster films to date; the last two even giving him some lines and some stunts, the latter of which he’d done himself. But so far most of his career has involved plenty of little-known stage work and a few well-received indies, as well as a particularly popular episode of Black Mirror.
He’s fairly certain that’s what landed him this script, his wide body of emotionally driven work. Not every day a Frank Clayton production sends a part your way. Not every day Harriet Finch is attached to direct. (Aaron’s pretty sure he’s one of the few people who’s seen the entirety of her oeuvre, even purchased some of the early stuff on DVD, forcing his best mate Adam to sit through whole movie marathons of her work, dissecting every shot inch by inch.)
The film’s a period piece about two young men who fall in love as a war looms over them; two lovers star-crossed in one of the worst ways possible. Both stuck going to war terrified the other won’t come home. Only they do, if not a little emotionally scarred and a little physically injured. The reunion is emotionally sweet and full of hope — exactly the kind of story Aaron wishes he could have grown up with. Because sometimes a happy ending really makes a difference. He’d almost learned that hard way.  
“You sure you want to do this?” His mother asks, curled up on his sofa in his flat in North London and peaking up at him with big brown eyes through dark, bit-too-long bangs. “People might start asking whether you’re gay, love.”
Aaron understands her concerns and where she’s coming from. Doesn’t stop him from shrugging them off and holding firm to the feeling in his gut.
“Let them,” he says, lips downturned at the corners as he paces across the living room determinedly. “Not got anything to hide, have I?”
Despite all his bravado, there’s a flicker of doubt. If this somewhat calculated risk doesn’t pan out, it could be the end of the upward trajectory of his acting career. For all it’s progress on the LGBTQIA-depiction front, Hollywood itself isn’t as accepting of openly queer actors. And while Aaron won’t miss the perks of rising fame at all, he will miss getting to work on more interesting projects or movies, like this one.
Still, Aaron Dingle has never been a liar, and he’s not going to start now. Especially when it comes to his sexuality.
:::::
His agent, a no-nonsense woman named Priya, approves of his decision immediately. She knows he’s gay, has known from the start. But it’s never affected her decision to take him on as a client. (It’s one of the reasons Aaron’s stuck with her so long; tying his rising star to her job.)
“You’ve certainly got the talent and the range to pull this off,” she states and it feels less like a dream and more like reality. “With Finch directing it, this could become potential Oscar material. This part’ll definitely get you noticed.”
Aaron smiles and nods along, because that is nice he supposes. He’s just glad the production company don’t want yet another audition, or even a chemistry read with his yet-to-be-announced co-star. He’s sick of them at this point.
“Who’s the other lead?” He asks, fingers picking at each other, left knee bouncing in the chair. He’s about ready to leave Priya’s office. But the second he hears her answer, he’s stuck bolted to his seat. His mind reeling with the news of it.
Robert Sugden.
:::::
To say he’s heard of Robert Sugden is the understatement of the century. If anything, he’s the one responsible for Aaron’s sexual awakening.
Like most teenage boys his age, he’d been obsessed with the Transformers movies. Only unlike his best mate Adam, he didn’t fall asleep and wake up hard to thoughts of the hot female lead. No, despite his best attempts at the time, his mind always drifted to the slightly older but also teenaged Robert Sugden; the son of a famous actor who’d also made it big quite young, starring in at least two popular TV series. (In hindsight, Aaron’s desire to purchase and put up a shirtless poster of Robert on his bedroom wall should have been a big hint as to his nascent gayness. But like all sexually confused teenagers he’d managed to convince himself he was more into the trucks instead; that he wanted to be Robert Sugden, not be with him.)
He’d spent a full summer when he was 15 watching his way through Robert’s early work, bingeing that one popular science fiction series where he and a group of teens investigated strange paranormal phenomena at their English boarding school. A part of him had come alive when a body-swap episode had caused Robert’s character’s body to be a possessed by a female friend’s, resulting in him kissing and making out with her boyfriend who’d been played by Pete Barton. (Aaron had spent the ensuing weeks reading and rewatching everything to with those few minutes of airtime, refusing to let anyone play over his recording. He’d worn out the tape till it could play no longer.)  
The first time he’d come was a few weeks later, Robert’s name on his lips as he’d pictured being kissed by him, his hand moving up and down the length of his naked shaft faster and faster; rock hard and aching at just the thought of him.
Robert. Fucking. Sugden.
What are the odds?
He doesn’t know whether to quit the project or just die of mortification. How is he supposed to act against someone he’s had those kinds of thoughts about? (He’s never had limits for who you should love and be with. After all, that would be a tad hypocritical of him. But some lines shouldn’t be crossed, no matter the project, and he’s fairly convinced this is one of them.)
He mentions this to Adam when he comes over to play FIFA on the PS4 later, only his best mate doesn’t quite seem to get it. Though to be fair, he’s never really had to deal with this, has he?
“So what? You used to jerk off to him. Big deal!” Adam shrugs, cycling through the options and picking his players. “If I said I’d avoid every female celeb I did that with, I wouldn’t be able to work with any of them.”
Aaron makes a face, even if he does concede that Adam has a point — not that he’s out there having to act against… (He’s actually not sure who this week’s flavour of the month is. Adam’s feelings of attraction waxing and waning like the moon.)
“Though,” Adam says, turning to look at him when he’s satisfied with his choices. “His sister Victoria is pretty fit. Do you think you could get her number?”
Aaron tosses a cushion at his face. Leave it to Adam to miss the point completely.
It bounces off and falls onto Adam’s lap, he picks it up and places it beside him.
When he turns toward Aaron this time, he looks a lot more serious, an earnestness in his gaze that wasn’t there before.
“Listen,” he says, voice soft yet firm. “You’ve wanted to be in one of Finch’s movies ever since I’ve known ya. Don’t back out now just because of Sugden.”
Aaron nods, though he’s still not convinced. Adam must see it because he then adds, “You’ll do fine. You’re an amazing actor. That’s why they wanted you for this part, you know, instead of me.”
Aaron shoots him a look and Adam just shrugs. Turns his attention back to the TV screen as he says, “What? I’m a scene stealer. Everyone knows that.”
That triggers a laugh and when it’s over, Aaron feels a lot lighter. But even as they both accept their team and kit selections and start the game, his mind drifts back to a young, shirtless Robert…
:::::
He keeps the part after all, the announcement making some waves in the press. However, any intrusiveness into his personal life is circumvented by the latest news about Robert. Rumour has it that he’s up for consideration as the new James Bond. Aaron had laughed when he’d first read the news. But laying in bed, later that night, he can’t help but picture Robert in a trademark suit, smirking down the barrel of a gun, the way he’s become known for.
It’s enough to make him shaken and stirred — not that he lifts a finger to relieve himself of the dull, building throb. (If there’s one thing Aaron Dingle’s sure about, it’s that it’s impolite to pleasure oneself to the thoughts of an upcoming co-star. Even if they were the starring role in his teenage fantasies.)
He ends up taking a cold shower instead.
:::::
Meeting Harriet Finch is everything like he’d imagined, and yet nothing like it at all.
Aaron spends all morning practicing what he wants to say to her, pacing back and forth in his newly assigned trailer — which happens to be both bigger and more luxurious than he’d expected. None of the words of praise he’s wanted to lavish her with seeming right for the moment, or even worthy of her, but he keeps practicing all the same.
That’s why he’s thrown when she comes to see him, telling him how much she’d enjoyed his turn in a small play he’d done last summer as a favour to an old friend (and ex-boyfriend), Ed.
She smiles at him with kind, dark eyes and outlines the many ways in which he’d knocked that role out of the park, followed by his performance in those few movies and, of course, Black Mirror.
“I knew you were the right man for the part the moment I saw you,” she says, voice like a warm woollen blanket, the words wrapping him up in a cocoon of comfort. “You’ll make a marvellous ‘Thomas.’ I just know it. I’m glad to have you on this project.”
But just as he’s basking in the glow of her reassurance, she asks the dreaded question.
“Have you met Robert Sugden?”
:::::
If first meetings dictate how the rest of a working relationship might go, Robert and Aaron’s is already off to a really bad start.
He’d shown up to Robert’s trailer and gone in after knocking a few times, only to find him in the throes of being orally pleasured.
Aaron hadn’t recognised the woman, just seen the back of her head, as she’d kneeled in front of Robert and blown him. Robert was sitting on the edge of his trailer’s bed and leaning back, both arms supporting his weight across the still-made comforter. His shirt was unbuttoned and he’d got his leather jacket on, neck exposed as he half lay there jerking and groaning.
He’d seemed to sense Aaron because Robert had looked up at once, locking eyes across the short distance. He’d given him a long hard look, then flashed him a wink and a smile, before closing his eyes and coming into the woman’s mouth not very long after.
Cheeks reddening and more than a little shocked, Aaron had turned and bolted. He’d wanted to spare that poor woman the embarrassment of knowing he’d seen this happening, but more importantly, process it all himself.
Standing in his own trailer he wants to kick himself for being such a goddamn fool. The tabloids had been reporting this side of Robert Sugden for years on end. But Aaron had ignored them because that’s what you were supposed to do. (And maybe, he tries not to acknowledge as his heart continues to pound, because it had ruined his fantasy of Robert and his younger self.)
But for all his talent — and he has plenty of it — Robert Sugden has always been a bit of a playboy; has the ex-wife and half a dozen ex-girlfriends to prove it. The result of this is a respectable body of work, but no one noticing because of all the gossip. (Aaron had once suspected this was Robert trying to undersell himself, maybe a bit nervous of all the extended limelight. He’d grown up Jack Sugden’s son, had had to bear that mantle, while also carving a name for himself, with not much room for error.)
Any sympathy he’d once felt though, has now been stripped away, replaced with cold, hard knowledge. Robert Sugden actually enjoys behaving like this, and Aaron can’t believe he’d liked him.
As he starts pacing, his heart still racing, Aaron gets madder and madder. They’ve both been given a golden opportunity being cast in these roles, and it’s something Robert wants to squander?
He’d wanted to walk away from this project because he’d been worried about his own personal hang-ups. Not wanting any former feelings for Robert to affect his performance. But now all he can think about is Robert’s smile and his wink, as if showing off his sexual prowess to Aaron.
This feels good, and I made that happen. Maybe I can do that for you as well?
Aaron growls, feels like punching something nearby, hating the small part of him that had kind of enjoyed it; that place deep within himself that still tends a tiny flame devoted to Robert Sugden; that place that had enjoyed watching him come.
It’s not your fault, Aaron tells himself, trying to banish the recent memory from his mind — though he’d spent years picturing and imaging exactly that. Him blowing Robert and feeling him coming under him, his palms flat against his thighs. (Sometimes he’d imagine the flip of it too. Him coming apart in Robert’s hands, his mouth smirking as Aaron comes right into it.)
He’s just managed to get rid of it, when he hears a dry chuckle, spins around to find Robert standing in his trailer, blue shirt all buttoned and jeans up and belted, like that midday blowjob hadn’t happened.
He smiles at him, blue-green eyes glittering, “So I take it you’re Aaron Dingle.”
It sends a thrill up his neck, short hairs lightly lifting, at the prospect of Robert Sugden saying his name. But then annoyance sets in as that memory comes back and Aaron grunts his affirmation.
“What do you want?”
Robert doesn’t seem deterred, doesn’t even seem to clock his rudeness. Just smiles at him like he said something funny. “To apologise. That wasn’t how I’d pictured our first meeting.”
“Why? You plan on having your cock in someone else’s mouth?” Aaron fires back, a little shocked that Robert had ever given meeting him any thought.
Robert’s eyes widen at the accusation, but whatever it is that came over him passes because he laughs and clears his throat. “No. Wasn’t planning to, actually. Just wanted to tell you what a big fan I am.”
His eyes flit away, and his smile kind of softens. Robert looks back at Aaron. “And that I’m looking forward to us working together.”
If Aaron hadn’t seen what he’d seen, he’d believe every word of this, Robert coming across well-meaning and earnest. But then he remembers just how good of an actor his co-star-to-be really is and snorts. “Nice try. Hope you’re better on camera.”
Robert winces at that, but his smile remains, even if it’s starting to look a little brittle.
“I’m sorry about what happened, alright?” Robert says, frustration colouring his voice at the edges. Aaron can see that this really is paining him; Robert not that good of an actor. “Let’s start over.”
He takes a step forward and holds out his hand. “Hi. I’m Robert Sugden.”
Aaron ignores it, crosses his arms across his chest.
“I know who you are,” he spits out.
Robert looks confused, studies him further before withdrawing his hand and eventually letting it drop. He puts it in his jacket pocket and renews his smile at Aaron. It’s just as small and soft as earlier.
“I’m trying, you know,” he says and Aaron can feel himself willing to give him that inch, to soften and forgive Robert so they can start over. But then he thinks about how smug and cocky he’d been just before he’d come right in front of him, and a wave of pulsing, hot annoyance shoots right through him.
“Then try harder,” Aaron half-growls, taking a small step further. And then, “And maybe try keepin’ your dick to yourself.”
:::::
Production kicks off without any further hitches, and he quickly gets to know the rest of their cast and crew — even becoming friends with a production assistant named Ellis.
Though most of the time Aaron just stays put in his trailer, constantly rehearsing and working on his character.
Harriet seems happy with his performance so far, giving him any extra takes he wants to do. But Aaron hasn’t been able to get in a groove that makes him truly happy; where he has an understanding of his character inside and out.
From the script, his own chat with Harriet, and the homework he’s done, he knows “Thomas James” to be a straightforward fellow, a little tentative, but earnest with his feelings.
He’s a farmer who owns and works his own farm, before one day he runs into Felix, his new and struggling neighbour. Felix’s family has lost most of their estate; bad debts and investments before the beginnings of the war hit. All they have now, is this one farm to their name, and Felix, a city boy — or rather, man — through and through has no clue how to run it.
Unable to stand it, Thomas steps in to help him, and Felix promises to do his accounts in trade. Thomas agrees, the spark between them growing and burning brighter.
Robert and he have played and shot a handful of those initial scenes, mostly set up for the rest of the story. But as their characters have seemed to find an easy camaraderie, there barely exists one between them.
For his part, Robert hasn’t really paused his efforts to win Aaron over, always making jokes and trying to give him an opening. Internally, Aaron struggles not to let go and give in, not having run into Robert with his cock down someone else’s throat since.
He doesn’t understand how Robert can just switch into his role and then right out of it, a slippery fish if there ever was one. He throws on Felix’s skin like it’s one of those button-up shirts he so favours, constantly remaining in costume longer than needed. (Aaron actually doesn’t mind that because it’s easy on the eyes and for their characters, Robert wearing 1920 period garb like he was born for it.)
Felix is smart and inept, but also charming and funny, a gay man in his shell, with no real interest in marriage. Just a blushing eye turned towards Thomas.
And that’s the part that kind of stings in their scenes, because it’s in those moments that Aaron feels he can really see the Robert he once had a crush on; a hint of him shining through.
It’s in Robert’s small smiles and the soft in his eyes, the blue-green of them a warm summer ocean.
But then Harriet says, “Cut” and it all disappears, Robert’s eyes growing cooler, his body more indifferent; tensed and held in a way he doesn’t when he’s Felix, like he’s holding a deep breath in.
That’s the first thing Aaron notices as they take a break before they shoot their first big scene, a first kiss where both men realise their mutual attraction.
They’re standing in a field, where Felix’s tractor has broken down, and Thomas has ridden up in his horse to help fix it.
As Aaron walks through the wet grass, his period accurate boots and jeans sinking into the mud a little, he gets his first glimpse of Robert.
His shirt sleeves are rolled back and his brow is plastered with sweat. He’s clearly been out in a full afternoon of labour.
They go through the dialogue, Felix directing Thomas to the back of the tractor, some kind of malfunction trapped within it. Thomas gives it a look, and Aaron produces a short grunt of surveyance, really giving it a decent study.
Then exhaling slowly he offers Thomas’ suggestion, that sometimes you just need to push it. He does as he says, and gives the tractor a shove, before letting his knees soften and himself fall forward in the muck.
Above him, he can hear Robert’s laughter bursting forth loud and clear, and he knows instantly it’s not his acting as Felix. He turns to his side and shoots Robert a dirty look, but in his chest his heart skips a beat at it.
Finally springing into action Felix leans forward and offers Thomas a hand, Robert bending and extending his hand out. The laughter still shines in his eyes, even if it’s not coming out his lips, his breath still short and him still panting.
Something surges in Aaron and he feels Thomas’ quiet sense of humour, reaches up and pulls Robert down towards him.
Robert captures all of Felix’ (and probably some of his own) surprise, his own knees bending as he falls atop Aaron; the hard firmness of his limbs utterly unexpected, and yet fitting against him perfectly.
He’s now laying on his back in the mud, feeling the cold soak into his tough warm denim, the flannel of his shirt doing little to protect him. But none of that matters as Robert gazes down at him, both their chests pressed together.
The script says this is where Felix kisses Thomas, too physically close for any more doubted restraint. Only Robert hasn’t moved, just keeps on laying there, mere centimetres away, his eyes trained down on Aaron’s lips, as if frozen by disbelief and nervousness.
Probably just nervous about kissing another man, Aaron thinks, flashing back to Robert kissing Pete Barton, and the way his hands had cupped his face. Probably worried that this time someone might think he’s gay.
Deep inside Aaron, something aches. He lets out a small, frustrated huff, his head relaxing back into the wet dirt, resigning himself to a long wait.
And then it’s like something snaps, because Robert leans forward, lunging for his lips with everything he has; his tongue barely waiting as Aaron’s lips part. (They hadn’t rehearsed this, or even really discussed it. Aaron not wanting to spend more time around Robert than entirely necessary.)
But as he lays here now, Aaron can’t help but give himself over to it, letting Robert’s fingers skim his sides before they bunch up in the warmth of his flannel shirt, his hands finding their way onto Robert’s lower back and his hair. He holds Robert’s head firm as he deepens the kiss. His co-star isn’t the only one who can improvise.
He doesn’t feel the lack of oxygen until the tail end of a groan, too deep into it to know if it’s from him or Robert.
When they pull apart both of them are panting. Robert’s gaze comes back up and they lock eyes again, a lock of his blonde hair dropping onto Aaron’s forehead, as his breath continues to tickle his lips; both wet and a little blitzed.
Deep in the depths of Robert’s green and blues, Aaron sees a spark of searching nervousness and hesitation. He brushes that bit of hair back almost without thinking; an unconscious act of soothing.
He can hear Robert’s breath hitch at the feel of his thumb pad on his skin, sees the way his eyes drop back down to Aaron’s lips. No longer nervous, and still barely thinking, Aaron leans up and presses another kiss to his lips, this time a more sweet and chaste one.
When he pulls back, Robert still has his eyes closed, almost cute in his stunned still surprise. Aaron finds himself smiling and recording this picture mentally; filled with the desire to go back in time and tell himself, “We kissed Robert Sugden!”
Robert opens his eyes and a second later Harriet yells, “Cut!” Aaron can’t help but feel interrupted.
What did you want to say? He wants to ask, as they both get to their feet. Aaron barely makes an attempt to clean himself off. He knows he needs a good shower.
Next to him, Robert seems to be avoiding his eyes, focusing a little too hard on dusting his pants off. Aaron tries not to spend too much time admiring his bum in the process.
They’re walking off set, when Robert makes the joke, voice flippant and tone just insulting.
“Feel like hitting a strip club, eh?” He says with what is meant to be a playful nudge. “Need to see some naked tits, pronto.”
It shouldn’t hurt as much as it does, this being a movie and all, but it still stings hard and deep all the same.
Aaron feels hot anger come over him without much warning, and he explodes back at Robert in a rage.
“All of this is just one big joke to ya, isn’t it?” He practically spits out the words in a low, angry growl as he shoves Robert backwards into a nearby trailer.
He doesn��t care if anyone’s nearby, or if they even see him. All he can see and hear is Robert.
“These are people’s lives,” he continues, the line of his right forearm held against Robert’s chest, constricting the way he breathes slightly. “Do you even get that?”
“It’s just a joke,” Robert answers, sounding both defensive and soft.
Aaron couldn’t give a toss about it.
“Excuse me if I don’t think bein’ gay is funny,” he fires back, leans in a little and lets the anger radiate off his face, hoping Robert gets the message.
Apparently, he does, because his eyes just widen, and then he’s saying, “Aaron, I’m sorry. I didn’t-“
He knows he’s not exactly hiding his sexuality, but Aaron isn’t really advertising it either, so it sends him reeling back the second he realises Robert has figured out he’s gay.
He stands there panting, anger being replaced by panic, the air evacuating his lungs just as his heart takes residence in his ears.
He turns and walks away before his balance decides to go, can feel his knees weakening with each step he takes; thinks he hears Robert calling at him in the distance.
Calling him because he knows this thing about him.
Calling him because he knows he’s gay.
Shit.
:::::
He’s exiting his trailer when he runs into Robert again. Aaron almost bolts the instant he sees him — only to realise he’s blocking his way.
“Aaron, wait,” Robert pleads, looking up at him from the bottom of those short metal stairs. Aaron almost turns around and goes back inside.
But then he notices that Robert is still in his costume — which is not too much of a surprise — but it’s a sign that he’s been waiting outside this entire time. As much as he doesn’t want to, Aaron knows he must honour that. From what he’s seen, Robert Sugden does that for no one.
“You going to invite me inside?” Robert asks when he sees Aaron willingly to stick around in his trailer doorway.. His attempt at a teasing smile fades when he gets Aaron’s answer.
“Whatever you want to say in there, you can say out here.” Aaron crosses his hoodie-covered arms across his chest, retaining the warmth within it.
Robert nods, and takes one step higher, making this whole conversation a little more private. Aaron can smell him, even standing a few inches away; the intermingled scent of mud and sweat and Robert. (The note is slightly floral but kind of muted like Lavender, but Aaron can’t be sure because he doesn’t know flowers.)
“Sorry I made those jokes earlier,” Robert says softly, and Aaron can see that he’s being absolutely serious. “I don’t think being gay is funny…”
Aaron doesn’t say anything, just keeps on watching. He can see that Robert is on the edge of something.
After what feels likes very long pause, it finally drops. “… because I’m actually bisexual.”
He can’t seem to meet Aaron’s eyes as he says that, his cheeks going pink as he looks away and to the left. Standing this close Aaron can feel the tension radiating off of him in waves, coming over him in rapid succession.
Aaron swallows, not sure what exactly to make of it; his teenage dreams all coming true in an instant. So he bites his tongue and holds back his first three replies, and then offers the one he feels is most supportive.
“Thanks for telling me,” he says and he finds that he means it. He’s actually a little touched by Robert’s choice to trust him.
“Figured it was the least I owe you,” Robert says with a shy smile, and for a second Aaron really feels like he’s looking at Felix.
His inner Thomas makes him return it.
“That why you wanted to do this movie?” Aaron asks when the moment eventually passes. It’s a big question he knows, but he needs an answer.
“No, actually,” Robert explains with a chuckle, something raw and unguarded about him now. Like he’s been acting this entire time Aaron has known him.
“I’m a big fan of hers,” Robert says with an excited smile. “She was my mum’s favourite director.”
Aaron gets it and gives him a nod. “Yeah, I’m a big fan myself.”
Robert grins at this little piece of information, a bigger reward than he was expecting.
“Guess this means we should definitely be friends,” Robert suggests, shyness still lacing his voice. “Don’t know many people who’ve even heard of Harriet.”
Aaron studies Robert, takes the entirety of him in, considers it and then shrugs. “Guess you’re not a complete idiot.”
Robert’s smile when he says that is radiant.
:::::
That night he dreams of Robert, the same one he’d had when he was fifteen. Only this time his brain fills in all the missing details.
He needs another shower in the morning.
:::::
Things improve on set by a thousandfold. Robert’s one-sided jibes giving way to Aaron returning them, both of them ribbing and teasing each other between takes. Robert somehow becomes a mainstay on his trailer’s sofa, as they hang out a lot more between scenes, running lines and even whole scenes together.
They seem to have found a quiet understanding when it comes to each other and their space.. (Though, coming out to each other does that, Aaron supposes.)
It’s crazy, but he genuinely thinks it makes both of their scenes better. Both of them now freer with how they move and touch each other. Aaron had once read somewhere that it has to do with the language of how queer people sometimes act and speak; a quiet understanding of how love can be writ across their bodies. He doesn’t know how much he agrees with that exactly. But he does feel it when Robert hugs him as Felix.
It’s a gentle gesture, Robert coming from behind and embracing him around the waist, one hand coming up to rest over Aaron’s heart. Aaron presses those fingers close to his chest, letting Robert feel the steady rise of his heartbeat as he sinks back into him; Thomas leaning into Felix.
They stand like that in silence for a moment longer, Robert’s chin on Aaron’s shoulder, both of them
bathing in the pale sunlight of a cool autumn morning, as filtered through the dusty windows of Thomas’ work shed.
It’s as they’re standing, silently breathing and hearts quickly beating that Aaron is seized by a sudden urge. Following the wave of it, he brings Robert’s fingers up to his lips, gently pressing a kiss on each knuckle as if soothing away newly-formed blisters — the results of Felix’ recent hard labour.
The moment his lips touch skin he hears Robert’s breath hitch, but it only guides him forward. He holds that last kiss longest, before pulling away and spinning them around, Robert’s back now pressing into the edge of Thomas’ workstation, their hands caught between them; Aaron’s fingers wrapped around Robert’s wrist, his thumb resting on his speeding pulse.
Robert for his part, seems to be trusting Aaron implicitly as he gazes down at Aaron first with surprise and then excitement. He smiles softly, clearly anticipating a kiss. Aaron smiles back and obliges him.
It’s completely unscripted and wholly them and yet none of it feels any bit of wrong. Aaron leans forward, slowly edging closer, his eyes locked into Robert’s. He hovers for a second, feels his breath bounce off Robert’s lips, then dips forward and claims them.
This kiss doesn’t progress as quickly as the first one did, Robert letting Aaron set the pace by which they go by. So he takes his time, focuses on nipping at Robert’s bottom lip; gentle kisses that should convey Thomas’ affections.
But then Robert’s hands start to slide across his back, pulling and holding him closer — only nothing about the gesture feels overtly sexual. It’s just two men standing and savouring the act of kissing, two men revelling in their affections.
They kiss a little longer, the pace still languid, Robert letting him take his sweet time, before Aaron decides to pause and not take it any further.
He pulls away, lets out his own small exhale — the matching one to Robert’s. He smiles at him, Robert returns it. Then with another small breath he leans his forehead against the other man’s; shuts his eyes and feels the feel of his skin against his own.
A few seconds pass, Robert still holding him close, Aaron feeling like he’s just survived a continuous free fall.
It’s in the middle of this that he hears Harriet’s quietly spoken words, “And that’s a wrap. Not going to get a better take than that one.”
:::::
He’s on his way off set when Robert catches up with him, grabbing his elbow to still him.
He doesn’t let go even when Aaron stops in place, only does when Aaron looks at him questioningly, despite the whole thing feeling natural.
“You doing anything later?” Robert asks, both hands in his leather jacket pockets, a leather messenger bag slung across his chest and shoulders. “Thought you might like to come over for a drink.”
Aaron considers it, gives it a long hard thought, but it must make Robert panic because he blurts out, “We can run lines or something.”
“Yeah, okay,” Aaron tells him, giving him a nod. And then, because he thinks Robert might have the wrong impression of him and he doesn’t at all like that.
“We don’t always have to work, you know. I do have other interests..”
Robert grins and nudges him in the side. Then he goes into an impression of Aaron.
“I’m Aaron Dingle and I think work is fun. If you don’t, then you’re a right idiot.”
Aaron tries not to, but he can’t stop himself chuckling, a little charmed by Robert’s intonation.
:::::
He finds that Robert’s home is nothing like he’d imagined, more lived in and comfortable than overly posh — though he has all sorts of shiny appliances in the kitchen. A mark of either a man who cooks, or just someone who likes the aesthetic. (Aaron is willing to bet it’s the first one.)
The bookshelves — of which there are two big ones — are stuffed to the gills, brimming with books threatening to fall off them. The walls, a nice calming shade of blue, are covered in posters paying homage to some of his favourite works of science fiction.
“Didn’t know you were such a nerd,” Aaron says when he’s got a drink in hand, as he looks up at a poster of The Xavier Files, the show he’d been more than a little obsessed with. Robert is standing front and centre as the star, his boarding school uniform fitting him flatteringly. (Aaron swallows, his blood growing warmer as he understands where certain fantasies might have originated from. He tries not to think about it in case he’ll need another cold shower. He’s already taken one before coming to this place.)
“You just don’t understand art,” Robert retorts, coming over to join him. He looks at the poster for a good second and then adds, “Or quality science fiction.”
Aaron snorts at that, unable to contain himself. “Think you’re using the term rather loosely. The ‘Gavoorians’? Come on.”
Robert looks at him in surprise, and maybe a hint of pleasure, as he says, “Don’t tell me youwatched it?”
Aaron goes red, feels his mouth turn dry, so he answers as honestly as he can, trying not to let the truth of the matter slip out even as he looks Robert in the eye.
“Might have caught an episode or two one summer,” he says, voice straining to remain casual. Then he adds, because he can’t help himself, “Saw the one where you kissed Pete Barton.”
Robert’s face goes from surprise to embarrassment to all-out amusement, barking a laugh with his neck tipped back, his shoulders relaxing and also dipping down. Aaron’s never seen him this joyful.
“What?” Robert says, growing suddenly conscious, his laughter fading and his body going still. His cheeks are pink as he studies Aaron.
“Nothing,” Aaron shrugs, voice above a whisper. His ears are hot, his pulse pounding. “Just wasn’t expecting this reaction, is all.”
“Well, it’s a bit of a surprise,” Robert explains, as if it all makes sense. “Didn’t think you’d have even heard of it, let alone watched it.”
“Why not? Because I don’t understand ‘science fiction’?” Aaron teases, oddly thrilled at subverting Robert’s expectations like this. “Don’t have to watch a lot to understand quality.”
“So you agree,” Robert smirks, nudging him with his elbow, a twinkle in his eye. “It is science fiction.”
Aaron snorts, nudges him back. “I suppose. But you’re really stretching the definition.”
They smile at each other, then go back to sipping their drinks, settling comfortably in the silence.
“I loved working on that show,” Robert says after quite a long beat, his voice holding a note of pride. But it’s quiet and with absolutely no hint of preening. “And kissing Pete wasn’t half bad either.”
Aaron feels his cheeks redden as he pictures it again, teenage Pete and Robert going at it.
“Did you have a crush on him, or something?” He looks down at the glass in his hand. He’d never thought he’d be having this conversation with Robert Sugden.
“God, no.” Robert shakes his head beside him. “Pete was pretty fit, but he’s pretty much as straight as they come.”
He waits a beat and then adds, “Decent kisser though.”
How about me? Am I decent too? Aaron wants to ask. But he just chuckles in amusement, enjoying this behind the scenes glimpse into one of his favourite episodes of television ever.
“But what about you?” Robert asks, turning his attention to Aaron. He finishes the last of his drink and asks, “Did you fancy him?”
His smile is conspiratorial and all kinds of knowing. His eyes are dark but inscrutable. Aaron’s cheeks redden despite himself, as he struggles not to blurt out, No. I fancied you, you idiot.
What he does manage to say, after a long moment of waiting, is, “Well, I wasn’t watching for the plot. Was I?”
It doesn’t feel like lying, because it is completely true. Though he does see the flash of something in Robert’s eyes. It disappears behind a laugh a moment later.
“No, I guess not,” Robert concedes, turning and walking over to the sofa. When he takes his seat, it’s with his legs spread wide, all the focus on his crotch. Aaron struggles to not let his gaze drift downward, keeping it trained on Robert’s face instead. And honestly, it’s worth it.
Robert’s smiling up at Aaron, buzzing with excitement. Aaron smiles back because it’s infectious.
“If you liked The Xavier Files, there’s a film you should check out,” he says, switching on his TV, Aaron no longer the focus of his attention. He pulls up Netflix, slowly searches through it, before he asks, “Have you seen The Cabin in the Woods?”
The way he’s looking at Aaron now is just pulling at all his heartstrings, an element of youth befalling all of Robert’s features. His eyes are sparkling, his smile is crooked, and his excitement is radiating off of him.
Robert Sugden: Horror fan.
“Uh, no, I haven’t,” Aaron says shaking his head to clear it. It wouldn’t do to fall for Robert Sugden again. Not when he’s a full-fledged adult. Not when he could accidentally act on it. (Aaron’s always has a rule against dating fellow co-stars or crew members. But no one’s been openly queer enough to test that — or even simply Robert Sugden.)
“Oh, you’re in for a treat,” Robert says patting the sofa seat beside him. Aaron glances at the screen where the movie is waiting, already cued up, then goes ahead and joins him. “Joss Whedon wrote and directed it.”
Even sitting next to Robert makes his heart rate spike, as does the warmth he feels from his proximity. Robert’s choice to sit in the middle of the sofa and almost spread himself out means he’s just a few fingers far away from Aaron, their hands centimetres apart on the same cushion; the dip caused by Aaron sitting causing Robert’s hand to slide a little closer to him.
He barely manages a nod when he hears Robert talk to him, asking him if he can start the movie. (He would have said yes, but his tongue has ceased to work. Another symptom of sitting next to Robert.)
The film begins and Robert reaches forward and places the remote on the coffee table and suddenly Aaron can focus once more; the thought of Robert accidentally touching him no longer playing on his mind, now free to enjoy the movie.
But as he watches the story of a group of friends — one played by Chris Hemsworth — who decide to spend a weekend in a cabin in the woods, there’s a growing sense of disappointment.
He quickly looks over to Robert’s hands in his lap, and starts to wish they were once again closer.
:::::
He doesn’t have to worry for very much longer, Robert reaching out and grabbing his forearm, when the movie presents its first real scare. Aaron isn’t expecting it, the move causing his heart rate to surge for the monster on screen itself, the feeling of warm, solid fingers clutching him clear even through thick fabric.
As it turns out Robert’s not a very passive watcher, constantly leaning over to make asides or jokes. But mostly it’s all facts he finds fun about the movie. (Aaron agrees. They’re actually quite interesting.)
It’s sweet, Aaron thinks, as he gets more and more invested, both fretting for the imperilled college students and watching Robert.
Gone is the tall and handsome actor who practically grew up in the limelight. In his stead sits a tall, handsome, and surprisingly knowledgeable genre film buff. He’s on the edge of his seat and mostly turned toward Aaron, a bit of a contrasting match to his own seating. (Aaron’s sat back, leaning on the right arm of the sofa, a little too tired to really make himself sit up properly.)
There’s another scare. Robert’s grip tightens. Aaron hides a chuckle at Robert’s expression, the shock of fear stealing the words out of his mouth. He’s left eyes wide, mouth open, and gaping. It’s almost as if this is his first time watching the movie.
Robert doesn’t seem to notice himself holding Aaron’s arm as the movie ticks on, and for his part, Aaron doesn’t alert him.
:::::
He’s enjoying the movie well enough when Robert excitedly tugs at his arm.
“This is my favourite part,” he says, before turning to look at Aaron, eyes crinkling in delight at the edges.
He’s not sure what it is in that moment — the steady warmth of Robert’s grip, the pinks of his cheeks undercutting his freckles, or the reminder of how much he used to want him — but there’s a swell in his chest and Aaron leans forward and steals a kiss from Robert.
His lips feel just like they have every other time, soft, firm, and tender. But unlike all those times they’ve kissed on camera, his co-star isn’t responding.
Panic sets in and Aaron instantly pulls back. He sees that Robert is frozen in surprise; lips barely puckered. Instantly, he realises he got carried away by his feelings, and so backtracks as quickly as possible.
“Sorry,” he mumbles, getting to his feet, Robert’s hand falling away in the process. The loss of warmth immediately starts to smart, Aaron already having gotten used to the feel of it.
“Aaron,” Robert starts, but he just cuts him off.
“I shouldn’t have done that,” Aaron swallows roughly unable to look at Robert again, his embarrassment turning his stomach. He feels like he might throw up. “Better go home now. Early call time tomorrow.”
With that, Aaron bolts out of the room and then out the front door all without waiting for another word from Robert.
:::::
He doesn’t sleep a wink that night, just replays the moment in his mind.
Each time it gets worse than before, Robert looking at him in shock bordering on disgust, green-blue eyes flashing. (Aaron knows objectively that Robert didn’t actually sneer at him, but emotionally he might as well have.)
This is what happens when you let your feelings get confused, Aaron chides himself, tossing and turning, his sheets all a tangle. This is why you can’t fall for your co-star.
By the time it’s morning he’s tenser than before. But at least he knows what to say to him.
:::::
He goes to Robert’s trailer before he goes to his own, knocking on the door once and then going right in.
Immediately he’s faced with an eyeful of half-naked Robert in snug boxer-briefs, pacing the space and going over his lines by himself.
Aaron loses his voice, his throat going dry. He just stands there in stunned silence. (He has actually seen Robert without a top on a few times before this, courtesy of a few of his movies. But like with all things, real life is proving better. He’d forgotten just how many freckles he has — and how much he used to want to count them.)
Robert notices him ogling him a few seconds later, and he pauses mid-pace. Just stands there frozen, script page in hand.
“Hi,” Aaron says, for lack of anything better. He smiles nervously, both his hands tucked in his coat pockets, watching Robert quietly.
“Hey,” Robert greets back, sounding almost relieved to see him. He doesn’t look like he’s slept either — probably trying to come up with ways with which to let Aaron down gently. Aaron swallows nervously.
At least you don’t have your cock out again, he wants to joke. But now hardly feels like the time for that.
“About yesterday,” Robert begins, taking a step forward, his tone already sounding apologetic.
Aaron takes that as his cue to take over, and so springs into action.
“It was a mistake,” he says matter-of-factly, having practiced this a few times coming in. “I got carried away. Forgot we’re not Felix and Thomas. Don’t worry it won’t happen again.”
Learned my lesson the hard way.
Robert’s brow is furrowing and he doesn’t seem too pleased. Probably because Aaron is issuing a gentle let down for him. He’d figured this was the easiest way to save face: to acknowledge his crime and issue an apology, save Robert the trouble of having to do any heavy lifting.
“Besides,” Aaron says, trying to lighten the mood, even though it’s absolutely twisting him inside. “Wouldn’t want any rumours ruinin’ ya chances, eh Mr. Bond?”
He offers him a smile, but it feels too watery and shallow. He’s barely able to keep his lips turned upward for long.
Robert’s expression doesn’t soften even a bit, just grows more dark and displeasured. He opens his mouth to say something, but before he can the trailer door swings open.
“Oh excellent,” Harriet states, coming in with a smile, happy to see both of them. “This should save me some time.”
She must sense the tension in the air, the trailer now thick with the smell of it. Her smile fades and she looks between them, then asks, “Everything alright?”
Aaron chances a glance at Robert and finds him looking almost inscrutable. (Though to be fair, his mind hasn’t moved on from the fact that he’s practically naked.)
“Just fine,” Aaron says, with another thin smile, this one a little easier than that first one.
He’s not sure if she believes him, but she does nod anyway, so he finds that to be heartening.
“There’s been a bit of a change in the shooting schedule, seeing as the weather forecast for today is a bit unexpected,” Harriet tells them, looking from Aaron over to Robert. “So we’re going to try and do today’s scenes tomorrow, and tomorrow’s stuff today. You fine with that?”
Aaron thinks real fast, runs through his memory, trying to figure out what tomorrow brings. He realises it a second later, his stomach sinking quickly, filled with dread about how they’re going to do this.
“Yeah, sure,” Robert replies, sounding quite casual, like what’s about to happen isn’t a big deal to him.
Aaron doesn’t know whether to be hurt or happy, so he just files it as a temporary win. He nods his acceptance when Harriet looks at him questioningly, then follows it up with a, “Should be fine.”
“Perfect! I’ll let the rest of the cast know, and I’ll get makeup in here first thing,” Harriet says, smiling in relief. “Why don’t you two work on any blocking you feel you might need? Especially since all of this is short notice.”
She turns and leaves, the door slamming shut behind her. Leaving nothing but aching silence.
When Aaron finally hazards a glance, he sees that Robert’s staring down at his script page, all focused like if he stares hard enough he can change what just happened.
“So do you want to…” Aaron starts, gesturing between them, unsure what else to say. He kicks himself mentally once again, for ruining any progress in the working relationship between them.
Robert sighs, long and deep, then says, “Suppose we can just figure it out when we both get there.”
He only looks at Aaron when he’s done talking, like he can’t bear to look at him.
Aaron nods his agreement. “Cool. Better get going then. Get into today’s ‘costume.’”
It’s meant to be a joke but Robert doesn’t respond. Just nods back at him pensively.
Aaron desperately wants to ask if everything’s alright between them, but he doesn’t want to make the situation any worse than it seems to be already.
“Yeah, great. See you on set,” Robert finally says, turning away, and walking towards the opposite end of his trailer. A non-verbal dismissal.
Aaron exits, then shuts the door, letting out a sigh as he leans back against it.
It was every bit as awkward as he’d expected — only now it’s been ratcheted up to a million. They’re going to need every single bit of their acting skills if they’re going to sell what’s about to happen. Because Aaron’s not sure how else he and Robert are going to get through the rest of this day, when they’ll both be shooting Thomas and Felix’ first sex scene.
:::::
He stands there, script page in hand and a growing pit in his stomach, as Robert Sugden walks up to him with a grin.
“What you waiting for? Get your kit off.”
The words hit him before the tone does, Robert’s voice sounding teasing but brittle. Aaron’s eyes shoot up towards him, and he sees that the smile on his face is nowhere near his eyes and he’s clearly keeping up pretences.
Right, of course, Aaron tells himself, after getting over the initial surprise of it. We’re all actors here. No point pretending.
It’s silly and it shouldn’t sting as much as it does but Aaron’s still aches at Robert’s reaction. It’s one thing to not be interested in his romantic advances, but it’s another thing to pretend they completely didn’t happen. (He knows it’s hypocritical to feel this way, seeing as he’d actually prayed they could do this last night. But now that he’s living the exact reality he’d hoped for, he knows to be careful what you wish for.)
Still, he smiles right back, feels it hurt to even do so, as he lobs back a response of his own. Both of them standing there in bathrobes.
“Why don’t you get yours off first?”
Robert’s eyes widen, but his smile never falters. Instead, he winks and says, loud enough for anyone standing close by to hear, “Looks like you’ll be getting your wish soon enough.”
Aaron rolls his eyes, but his cheeks are still blushing, Robert having hit upon a wish from his youth.
Thankfully, Robert doesn’t see it, Harriet having arrived on the closed, private set, the number of people limited to just her, the two of them, and a small team of production people.
When she gives them a nod, they both strip out of their robes, both of them left standing naked, except for their actors’ modesty socks hiding their cocks and balls. Aaron does his best to keep his gaze level and facing forward, as he goes and finds his mark. The scene involves Felix making love to Thomas, on the floor of the latter’s barn.
The wooden floorboards are tad bit cool and just a little prickly — stray stalks of hay strewn across them — Aaron discovers as his bare back and arse come to rest against them, the sensation causing his skin to stand on end and his back wanting to arch off of it.
Aaron doesn’t have much time to process it, because now Robert’s crawling into his position, slowly lowering himself across Aaron and coming to rest on both his forearms. Aaron keeps his eyes pointed towards the barn ceiling and the rig of artificial lighting, hoping to make things as less awkward as possible.
He can feel Robert’s breath against his cheek, and the heat of him on his arms and chest as they silently hold these poses for the lighting check; Robert is now laying between Aaron’s spread and bent thighs, his arse exposed for everyone to see — not that he seems to care or even looks embarrassed. Instead, Aaron can feel him looking down at him, pinning him to the ground where he’s laying. Still, he refuses to look back at him, his heart furiously beating, as he refuses to make even a hint of eye contact; his last vestige of privacy.
“This isn’t going to work,” Robert says with a sigh after what feels like a day and an age, and Aaron feels his stomach clench, preparing for Robert to clamber off him, already missing him despite no part of them really touching at the moment. “Not if you don’t look at me.”
That gets Aaron’s attention and he looks up into Robert’s eyes, where he finds nothing but calm and watchful understanding.
“What?” He whispers, not meaning to come off so rude, but he’s nervous about what Robert might say and this is a pre-emptive strike — a test to see if he can handle it.
“About yesterday-” Robert begins, and Aaron immediately protests.
“I thought we were done talking about it.”
“No,” Robert insists, voice firm and kind of steely. “You talked about it. I just listened.”
Aaron swallows and lays there, his heart in his ears, as he wishes himself anywhere but here.
But then without warning, Robert dips down and kisses him, a firm press across his lips before a tongue swipes against the bottom one. Aaron grants him eager entry.
Robert pulls back, a half a moment later, remains naked and panting over Aaron.  
“What was that?” Aaron asks, body locked in surprise, though his cock is already having a bit of a reaction. He tries his hardest not to think about it.
“What I wish I’d done last night,” Robert replies, speaking softly, as he shoots Aaron a tentative smile. “What I wish I’d done this morning.”
“You mean…” Aaron trails off, struggling to compute, still feeling like this puzzle is missing a few pieces. Any thoughts about his dick fall by the wayside.
“I like you, Aaron,” Robert says like it’s a well known fact, and not something he just demonstrated with his tongue down Aaron’s throat. “And as you can see, I don’t really care who knows it.”
Aaron glances around and sees that no one’s really paying them much attention, Harriet studying the film monitors in front of her from the director’s seat, the sound guys standing and chatting in the corner.
“Guess that’s a relief,” Aaron finally sighs, when he comes back to look up at Robert’s face. “Seein’ as I like you too.”
It’s like a wave ripples between them because suddenly they’re both touching in millions of tiny ways. Robert’s arms move a little closer, Aaron’s a little wider, both their limbs now settling together. Robert’s planking position lowers, causing him to actually lay across Aaron, their chests just centimetres apart, even as their belly buttons touch, and their cocks, swaddled in their actors’ modesty socks now rest against each other; both steadily hardening. (Aaron smiles as he realises that, flushed with pride that Robert Sugden wants him.)
“So, you going to kiss me back or what?” Robert then asks, smiling down at Aaron, his arms framing either side of his face.
Aaron shakes his head, grinning back cheekily. “Thought we’d save it for the camera.”
:::::
When Harriet yells, “Action,” Robert’s focused and gazing into his eyes. But he doesn’t lunge forward like Aaron expects him to.
Instead, he slowly comes forward, nudges his nose against Aaron’s, before touching their lips together and letting them hover that way for a second, before increasing the pressure, one hand coming to holding the side of Aaron’s face.
Slowly, Aaron’s waiting lips part, as he opens his mouth and lets his tongue curl and slide against Robert’s; allowing him to steal the breath right out of him.
They kiss like that for a couple of minutes, Aaron’s hands sliding up Robert’s back to wrap around the balls of his shoulders, half holding, half gently kneading.
Slowly and gently, Robert starts to rock in place, dragging his thick and hard cock against Aaron’s. He may be simulating sex, but the feelings are all real, as Aaron feels his own shaft throbbing and aching harder.
Robert kisses his way down his jaw, and then his neck and then his chest, Aaron’s back arching unconsciously against him.
Robert comes back up kiss at his lips, the movement of his hips growing faster.
Aaron closes his eyes and pictures his teenage self and all his exploration of sexuality with another boy in his class in the local village pavilion. None of that compares to Felix and Thomas’ first time, none of that compares to this moment with Robert.
Another wave comes over him and he gives himself into it, rolling them over so Robert is now under him; shaggy hair blending with the straw on the wooden floorboards. Aaron takes his lips in his and resumes their kissing.
He continues to grind, increasing the pressure and speed just a little, chasing that spark that shoots through him when their cocks touch through their socks at just the right spot. He can feels his balls tighten and Robert groan into his mouth, the sound of it soaked with wanting. His own cock feels swollen, now more than thick and leaking, the leaking come making the fabric stick to him and his erect shaft more than sensitive.
Aaron can see his climax rising on the horizon, can feel it gathering at the base of his spine, the pressure building to a tall cresting wave, threatening to crash down over him. Under him, Robert continues softly groaning, loose hands scoring up and down Aaron’s back; the movements causing a little thrill of pleasure.
Then just when his orgasm starts to move towards his peak, pushed onward by the friction between their penises, he hears a sound that causes him to stop almost instantly, and Robert to whine under him.
Aaron lays there panting, cock now more than aching, he curses the gods and this particular profession. He brings his forehead to rest against Robert’s. The sweat on both their brows mingling as the chill in the barn begins to set in.
“Alright,” says Harriet from somewhere behind them. Her voice is firm and brooks no questions. So they know better than to protest it. “This was great. But let’s try that again.”
Aaron drops his head into Robert’s neck and groans.
:::::
An hour later he starts to wonder if Harriet is doing this intentionally; guiding them close to the edge with her takes and directions, only to cause them to pull back again, just adding to their rising frustrations.
His only solace is the presence of Robert, who moves from over to under — and even one time, beside — him, as they keep kissing and grinding against each other for the camera; both more sensitive than ever.
“Come back to mine after,” Aaron grunts softly in the middle of one take, too soft for the boom controller to hear him. Robert’s mouth nipping at his shoulder.
“And do what?” Robert whispers, when Aaron rolls them over. It’s clear that he’s a little beyond thinking.
Aaron gets it, biting his tongue as a wave of pleasure sweeps through him.  
“What do you think?” He asks, through gritted teeth, as his hips begin simulating trusting. Then he grins slyly as he looks down into Robert’s unfocused eyes.
“Reckon we could run lines or something.”
:::::
They bolt off set before Harriet can even declare it a wrap — or pull either one aside to talk to them — neither of them able to keep the smile off their faces. Aaron tries not to speed, or run a red light, but it’s a struggle with Robert’s right hand on his thigh, slowly inching higher and higher the entire time.
He manages to still his breathing — and his body’s tetchy reaction — as they exit the vehicle and later enter his building. In fact, they make it all the way up and into his flat, without him making even a single move to try and tear Robert’s clothes off.
“Nice place,” Robert says, as Aaron shuts and locks the door behind. Aaron glances around at the classic film posters on his own living room walls and the lived-in state of his sofa; the prime location for all his movie marathons between projects.
“Thought you might want to see it,” Aaron says coming up to stand in front of him, his hands coming to rest on Robert’s lips.
“You were right about that,” Robert says, though his focus is on him. He smiles and adds, “I’m a big fan of Aaron Dingle.”
Aaron smiles back. There’s a flutter in his chest, like a flock of birds flying back after winter. He swallows roughly and gives his answer, his voice coming out rougher as his gaze drops to Rober’s lips, “I’m right about a lot of things. Guess you’re going to have to remind me.”
That’s all it takes because Robert’s lips are on his, with all the urgency of a man drowning.
Aaron grabs at his jacket and starts pushing it off him, as he also walks him to the bedroom.
They stumble a little, the room still a mess from this morning, Robert grabbing Aaron’s biceps so as to not trip backwards over a pair of kicked trainers lying in the middle of the floor.
“You know, a little tidying never hurt anyone,” Robert says coming back in for a kiss.
“Do you want to talk cleaning, or do you want to fuck?” Aaron growls back, still very frustrated from this morning.
Robert stripping him of his hoodie is his answer.
Grinning into the kiss, Aaron tugs Robert’s shirt up and out of his jeans and then makes quick work of the buttons up front — not caring if he loses one. He pushes it off him, and trails kisses down his neck, before pausing to nip once at his collarbone.
Robert inhales sharply, pressing closer into him. So Aaron does it again, just a little bit harder, earning him a groaned, Aaron.
Smiling again, he licks the same area once, then kisses it as if to make it better. Then he turns his attention to Robert’s jeans, his dick already bulging in the front of it.
Robert’s hands are once again moving, pushing Aaron’s own jeans down to pool against his feet. He tries to step out of them, while undoing Robert’s belt buckle, only to feel one of Robert cup his cock through the fabric of his boxers, the pressure firm but gentle.
Aaron lets out a gasp as Robert just chuckles, “Well, hello there Mr. Dingle.”
“Do you ever shut up?” Aaron asks, as he tried to focus on the jeans button in front of him, Robert’s cock already straining against his zipper, as his hand slips from outside Aaron’s boxers into them, drawing out a shuddered gasp as he squeezes his erection.
“Make me,” Robert says with a smug little grin, the words a low purr that goes straight to Aaron’s eardrum.
Aaron takes him up on his offer, kissing him thoroughly, before pushing him back against his mattress.
A thrill runs up his back as he sees a mostly naked Robert Sugden, resting on his elbows and across the unmade purple sheets of his bed. He kneels down at the base of his bed, then reaches up and pulls the hem of Robert’s underwear down. His cock springs out, already wet and leaking, and every bit as long and thick as Aaron had expected.
He runs a hand up it, giving it a test of a stroke, in front of him Robert twitches.
Pleased with the response, Aaron leans forward and hovers over it, feeling Robert’s eyes watching carefully. Then he smiles up at him, before dropping his head down as he sets up about fulfilling a fantasy.
On either side of his head, Robert’s thighs jerking and flexing — just like that first day in the trailer. Only this time it’s Aaron with his mouth on his cock, him being the one to draw the groans out of Robert.
Down between his own legs, his cock is once again aching, having been denied release too many times in one day. Aaron wraps a hand around it, smearing his own pre-come over his head and down around it, his thumb flicking the edge of his frenulum and causing a thrill of excitement. He keeps on steadily stroking.
When he feels Robert nearing the edge — now more than well-versed in his body — Aaron pulls off and hears the expected moan of disappointment. He gives him a kiss as he reaches for the lube, eager to avoid a painful experience.
He slides two fingers in, gently twisting and scissoring, Robert groaning and pushing down into it.
When he feels he’s ready, Aaron slides his now slick dick into Robert and gets a satisfied sigh for his efforts.
He waits a second for Robert to adjust to the discomfort, but all he gets is grunted, “Hurry up and fuck me.”
Doing as he says, Aaron sets up a punishing pace, the front of his thighs smacking against the back of Robert’s in a satisfying rhythm.
It’s not too long before he feels his climax once again approaching, having been at the edge of his fingertips all day. Below him, Robert’s busy stroking himself as he keeps on moaning Aaron’s name, punctuated by a gasp every time Aaron hits that special spot.
His neck is tipped back and his eyes are tight shut, his hand is rapidly pumping, Robert lost to the build of his own orgasm.
With his own edge within sight, Aaron makes a quick decision, he leans down, hips still rolling as he positions himself right beside Robert’s ear, and then whispers, “It was you I liked, not Pete Barton.”
He hears Robert’s strangled cry and his come hit his chest. It’s enough to make him come inside him.
:::::
He wakes up a few hours later to Robert on his phone, just laying next to him naked. The white light from the small iPhone screen illuminates the side profile of his face in a strong but gentle white glow; his features looking like he was sculpted from marble.
There’s a fondness in his eyes and a glow in his cheeks as he lays on his back, biting his bottom lip, staring at the screen intently, probably skimming the news on a gossip news site. (Aaron actually reads a few of them himself, a couple proving quite reliable in terms of casting news and breakdowns.)
“Anything good?” He asks, when he’s drunk his fill — though he’s finding that his thirst for Robert might be bottomless.
Robert doesn’t startle or even really flinch, just looks over at him like he was gently awakened. His smile is radiant — but more so in this light, white teeth flashing in the phone light, which also renders his freckles a little paler.
“Nothing as good as what’s right here,” Robert says, affection coming through loud and clear. He then lifts his right arm above his head, an open invitation.
Aaron accepts it, shuffling in closer, and bringing the covers with him. He snuggles in closer until his head is resting on the ball of Robert’s shoulder as he turns himself sideways on his left side. Robert’s arm comes back down, wrapping around his back and resting on the curve of his arse.
When Aaron turns towards the phone screen he sees instead that it’s a book, Robert’s attention instead captured by some kind of video.
It takes him a second to clock what’s happening on screen, because then he gasps in disbelief.
“Are you watching my episode of Black Mirror?” He shifts to gaze up at him, searching Robert’s face for any detail of an answer.
“Why?” He asks, horrified.
Robert turns from the phone to look down at him, and then says without any embarrassment or shame. “The first time I ever saw this, I knew I had to meet you.”
“You’re joking me,” Aaron barks a laugh. “My character was mental.”
“Yeah,” Robert agrees, his index finger now rubbing a lazy circle into Aaron’s hip, the feel and motion of it deeply soothing. “But you played him with such intensity.”
“Probably just thought I was fit, or something,” Aaron protests, rolling his eyes at Robert. “I spent half the episode naked.”
“Well, obviously there was that,” Robert concedes, but even with his playful tone, Aaron can tell he still means it. That he’d actually been attracted to Aaron’s acting.
“Does this mean you fantasized about me?” Aaron asks cheekily, even though he’s nervous about the answer.
“If I didn’t, I’d be mental,” Robert says with all the confidence in the world, like this is an undisputed fact.
He’d wanted to hear it, but it still makes him blush. Aaron rolls inward towards Robert’s shoulder. Robert’s hand and finger don’t stop their circling.
“Shut up,” he chides him gently.
“It’s true though,” Robert admits, voice quiet in the night, his face growing ever more thoughtful. “It’s why I wanted to do this project. Figure at least this way I’d get a chance to work with you.”
“More like, hoped you’d get a chance to shag me,” Aaron retorts, but there’s nothing in his voice but affectionate lightness.
“Not going to lie and say I didn’t dream about that,” Robert chuckles. “Though I did really hope you might be bisexual as well.”
“Worked out in the end, I suppose,” Aaron says quietly.
Robert hums his agreement. On his phone screen a younger version of Aaron fights against a male co-star.
Time passes, a few more moments go by, then Aaron says, trying not to keep the worry from creeping into his voice too much, “You know, if people find out about us, we might have to come out publicly.”
He doesn’t want to say it, but he feels like he has to, not wanting to cost Robert his career. “You could lose the Bond role.”
“I told you, Aaron, I don’t care who finds out.” It doesn’t sound flippant, and it doesn’t sound thrown away. It sounds sure as can be and confident. “Didn’t exactly take this job to prove I could do my own stunts. Though I think we both did well on that front.”
Robert pinches his hip as if to underscore the point, sending a spark of shock right through him. Aaron startles and arches his back closer, his bare chest now snug into Robert’s side.
“You’re an idiot, you know that?” Aaron grumbles poking his chest. Under his left ear, Robert shakes with quiet laughter.
“Yes, but an idiot you like,” Robert says when he can finally answer. “And an idiot you had a crush on.”
Aaron rubs his hip sorely. “I can still kick you out of bed, you know.”
“You wouldn’t do that to a poor, defenceless, idiot,” Robert offers in his defence. Aaron just rolls his eyes at it.
“Do you seriously ever shut up?” He questions, not really annoyed.
Robert’s voice is low when he replies, “Like I said. Go ahead and make me.”
Aaron comes up for a kiss.
:::::
They do come out eventually, when doing the rounds to promote the movie, and all their fears are brushed aside as it makes their stock rise even higher. Suddenly they have interviews scheduled with all the top publications, with joint profiles in both The Guardian and Variety. (Aaron asks his mum to go buy extras of both, his idea to have them framed as an eventual moving-in present.)
The movie’s a success as it starts to do the circuit, opening first in limited release and then going wider and wider. It garners great reviews, most of it focusing on Aaron and Robert’s performance, with plenty of mentions of their chemistry. (Robert particularly likes reading those aloud in bed, pulling them up on his phone not long after Aaron awakens.)
Amongst all the furor and the immense fan support, the good news start to trickle in. George Miller wants to meet Aaron to discuss a possible part in Mad Max, while Robert has a meeting about playing Bond after all. As it turns out, times are very definitely changing, and the minds in charge of the franchise have decided they’d quite like to adapt along with it. Neither of them expect anything to actually come of it. But they still joke about Robert wearing that suit and celebrate.  
A few months after that, Harriet calls waking them both up, the film — as well as both their performances and her direction — having been nominated for an Oscar. They lay there together, Robert’s phone on speaker on Aaron’s bare chest, his cheek close beside it, neither of them daring to breathe in their shocked silence.
Aaron cracks first, a long and loud laugh, seconds later Robert starts to join him.
“Can you believe it?” Robert asks, lifting his head. The diffused sunlight from the hotel room balcony window backlights him, showing off his bedhead in all its glory.
“Sure I can,” Aaron shrugs easily, taking in the high cheekbones and the freckles dotting them, the unexpected pinkness of Robert’s lips. Then he looks into Robert’s eager eyes, letting the now-alert green and blue wash over him. “Harriet Finch, innit?”
“But you and me, nominated for an Oscar…” Robert quietly marvels. “Do you think we could win?”
Aaron just watches him, memorising this face, already planning their celebration. He brings a hand up, and cups Robert’s cheek, stroking a thumb across a warm cheekbone. Then he leans up, gives him a soft kiss, then lies back, his head hitting the pillow.
Robert’s eyes open slowly, and his smile grows softer; a small one that he reserves for Aaron.
“Reckon we could,” Aaron says, feeling himself return it. “Who doesn’t love a good love story?”
155 notes · View notes
hayaomiyazaki · 7 years
Text
i saw call me by your name and then i came out to my parents
last night at nyff, i saw call me by your name (and enjoyed a brief post-screening q&a with the director and leads). i have studied film theory for six years at nyu, and i’ve seen so many films…so many queer films…so many feminist films…just so much, and i’ve been so grateful to have been exposed to so much immersive, reflective, creative cinema over the years. there are no “best films of all time” — only films that have helped develop mainstream form and style, and films that we each love personally. the latter is all that matters, to you, to filmmakers, to cinematic history. please trust me. here’s some notes on things people seem rather curious about (with minor spoilers for those who haven’t read the novel, though i genuinely believe knowing what happens in the film takes away nothing from the experience whatsoever, because it’s not a plot-based narrative, but an exercise in pacing):
the peach scene is not grotesque as the media is leading you to believe; it is brief, and it is essential. it represents the exploration, awakening, and ennui of elio’s life, and affords a huge amount of vulnerability to the following interaction between the two men. it’s not scandalous or explicit or silly or gratuitous. it’s not “a big deal.”
they kiss. no, they kiss. i’ve found that it is a default for straight or straight-leaning actors to kiss a very particular way: closed-mouth, hard, foreheads pressing together as their faces gravitate towards the floor. it’s rough and inexperienced, and, sure, this can be passionate. but in this film, they kiss. they kiss with their mouths open, and slowly, and they touch each other’s hair and faces, and their chins press together because they’re looking up, up at the stars or the hot air above them; “gasping for air” is what we often read in fiction, when two characters are kissing. those gasps — that air — it isn’t between them from below; it’s above. they look up and into each other’s eyes and it feels like gentle want, not like they’re rushing to make use of stolen time.
armie hammer has mentioned many times in talks that the film is simply about love, that there’s no harshness about coming out, that there’s no phobic sources forcing them apart, etc. understand that this is not necessarily true. yes, the film is wholly about love, but the root of their “lost love” narrative is a subtle religious-based shame, almost exclusively on the part of oliver, a proud jewish man. he is sure, as much as he loves elio and will never forget their time together, that it simply isn’t realistic for them to be together (specifically mentioning his father would have him “carted off to a correctional facility”), and does default to a heterosexual marriage at the film’s end. at the same time, they function completely in secret (or, attempt to do so) during their weeks together. this is important to recognise, even within the spacio-temporal context of the film.
timothée chalamet’s voice is a lot deeper than you’d imagine it would be.
you will hate your life after seeing this film. i’m sure you have it wonderfully, loving friends and family, sure, sure, but do you have a villa in northern italy, a cook that makes apricot juice good enough for the gods, two pools, parents who read you fairytales in german as you lay across their laps on a wet summer’s evening, a rustic turquoise bike that maintains its perfect state no matter how many times you carelessly throw it against the dirt road, a closet of endless cable knit and cotton button-downs, fresh peaches for days, fluency in three languages, and armie hammer in short-shorts? call me by your name is not set in italy — it is set in utter queer paradise, and it will make you sick.
michael. fucking. stuhlbarg.
the film is 90% symbolism. fountains. statues. bikes. hankies. mattresses. paper. shirts. bare feet. water. juice. peaches. so many peaches. the score replaces the first-person narrative of the novel, and you’ll never forgive sufjan for how it all makes you feel.
i called my mother this morning and said, “i want to talk,” and she was worried, “oh no, what’s happened? oh, you’re calling to tell me you won’t graduate, is that it?” and i laughed, because what a silly assumption, but also so spot-on, and i sighed because we’re not very close and this is feels like the interaction close family should have, and i said, “i just want you to know that i didn’t lie to you because i’m scared of what you’ll think, because i’m not,” which is true, because my parents are wonderfully accepting, and i would know, as my sister is in a committed lesbian relationship, and she said, “oh my goodness, what’s happened? are you okay?” and i said, “mom, i’m fine. last month when you visited, you shocked me by asking me a question at dinner so nonchalantly, i wasn’t prepared, but i should say i’m glad it was so nonchalant because it means we really are making some progress in society…” and she cut me off, saying, “sarah, what is the matter?” and i said, “nothing. i just wanted to tell you that last month, you asked me ‘if i was dating girls’ and i lied and said no, but i had a girlfriend over the summer, and she just moved to london, and it’s over, but it’s true, and you would have liked her, mom, she was very sweet, and she was much prettier than me, you would have been proud, but, anyways, that’s happened and now you know,” and my mom laughed and started, "she's not the first...no, of course she isn't..." and then got very stern and said, “you mean she was in town at the same time as me and you didn’t introduce me?” and i laughed and then she asked me about the lgbtq acronym and told me labels don’t matter, and i told her not to be surprised when there’s another lucky lady in the future, and she said, “yes, any lady would be lucky to have you,” and i agreed, because she would want me to, and i said, “i saw this film last night,” and she said, “you’re sick and off from work but you felt fine to see a movie?” and i said, “no, that’s just it. i saw this film and it made me so ill…i didn’t go to work, and then i called you and told you all this,” and she said, “well, i’ll have to see it, then, and i’ll have to tell your sister about it if it’s gay,” and i laughed, because she assumes all gay people like all gay films, and then she went on to tell me that she wanted to watch the danish girl because she wants to know more about the trans experience, and i tried to interrupt and say, “well, perhaps don’t start there,” but she said, “no, i didn’t, because i got it confused with this movie carol,” and then she told me how she watched carol waiting for one of them to be trans — “probably cate blanchett because she can play anything!” she said — but then fell asleep because it was kind of boring, and then she said, “but i’ll try again,” and then there was some gentle jesting about grandkids and who knows what else, and that was it. it was the easiest thing in the world. and i don’t feel relieved…i just feel some equilibrium in the universe has finally been achieved.
anyways, what was the point of this post again? ah, call me by your name. yes… yes. it’s one of my favourite films i’ve ever seen. it’s made me supremely poorly: my head aches and my chest hurts and my feet are heavy and my eyes are welling up during every downbeat, and i can’t focus on anything, which is probably why this whole post is such gobbledygook. that is to say: i’m very grateful.
54 notes · View notes
plant-dad-sulu · 7 years
Note
all the even numbers
omfg okay
2. If you could have dinner with any 3 living or dead people, who would they be and why?
Gillian Anderson because I love her, Deforest Kelley because he’s a delight, and Dan Avidan from Game Grumps because he’s lovely
4. What was the last good thing that happened to you?
yesterday a customer at work saw me struggling and said “you’re doing great” and it was really nice, and the day before another customer found out I was new and said “you’re doing great, sweetie” and I love both of them
6. What do you think is the meaning of life?
dunno, man, I think it depends on the person
8. Do you have any pet peeves?
people chewing with their mouths open, but I have misophonia so I’m not sure if that’d be a pet peeve or a symptom. But also people who just leave stuff everywhere, like they make a mess and don’t clean it up the moment they’re done
10. What was your favorite TV show growing up?
I had a lot because I watched a lot of tv, but I used to be a big fan of Doctor Who
12. What are your favorite movies?
Clue is number one in my heart always. I also love Some Like it Hot, Ghostbusters (new and old), The Voyage Home, and Psycho
14. What do you look for in a significant other?
If I can hold a conversation with someone it’s a miracle so that’s like lowest bar
16. What are some things on your bucket list?
huh, I don’t think I actually have anything tbh which is weird because I swear I did. Get a tattoo I guess? idk
18. Do you have any pets or have you ever owned any?
I currently have two fish names Rodney Dangerfish and Louis, and their snail companion Snailison Ford
20. If you could only listen to one song for the rest of your life, what song would you choose and why?
I’m currently in love with Jenny by The Studio Killers as well as Neptune by Sleeping at Last, which are two very different vibes but either one would be wonderful
22. What is your favorite commercial?
do people have those? I don’t even know any current commercials
24. If you were stuck on a deserted island and could only bring one thing, what would it be?
A boat.
LMAO no, I’d bring my copy of The Graveyard Book by Neil Gaiman
26. Who is your favourite musical artist?
I’ve never really had one, but if I had to choose then probably the Gorillaz
28. What is your favourite color?
greeeeeeeeeeeen 💚 
30. If you could have one superpower, what would it be?
transformation obv
32. What actor or actress would star as you in a movie about your life?
Gillian Anderson. She looks nothing like me but it’s be cool right?
34. If you could trade lives with anyone else for one day, who would you trade with?
Gillian Anderson. I’d get to be gorgeous and meet cool people and she’d get some much needed time off
36. Who is your favourite author?
Neil Gaiman, but I don’t read much anymore
38. What is your favorite food ever?
pub burgers
40. Drunken story time! Go!
lmao I don’t drink, but one time at a party with a lot of people who were drunk a dildo fell on me from the ceiling, which was really embarassing because I was waiting for it so I could smack it out of the air but I missed and it hit me in the face instead
42. What is the first thing you wash in the shower?
well first I stand there for ten minutes doing nothing and then I wash my hair
44. How are you feeling right now?
conflicted and vaguely uncomfortable with a hint of frustration
46. What is the closest red item to you?
my ipod and headphones
48. Do you love yourself?
sometimes
50. Have you ever met a celebrity?
no I have not and I’ve never known a greater injustice
52. What are you listening to right now?
Just finished listening to Fragile World by Alberto Rosende and am about to hit play on Here’s to Us as sung by Paget Brewster and Paul F. Tompkins on Beyond Belief
54. What is the craziest thing you've ever done?
dated a straight guy, it was fuckin wild
56. Did you have a good childhood?
it was okay, would not replay
58. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
LICK. I LICK MY ICE CREAM BECAUSE I’M NOT A SAVAGE. GOOD GOD. but i will bit a popsicle cause those things are disgusting when they melt so gotta go fast
60. What are some of your turn-ons?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
62. Would you go skydiving?
Yeah, and maybe I’d break my leg and have to get a metal rod put in just like my mom. Twinning!
64. Do you ever rent movies?
W
When was
What year was this question written
66. What is your zodiac sign?
Nacho Libra
68. Is there anything you want to say to anyone right now?
Hey Gyllian just answer my question. It’s a simple question. I can’t make it any clearer. I just want an answer, please. I’ve emailed you like three times how can you not understand what I’m asking.
70. What is your stance on abortion?
Pro-choice. 
72. Who do you admire and why?
Gillian Anderson because she’s a great role model, has a great sense of humour, has anxiety but works through it like the hero she is, and is the sourse of like 90% of wlw queer awakenings
74. Have you ever had a near-death experience?
I’ve almost stepped in front of so many cars and also once someone stole my sketchbook
76. Where do you want to live after retirement?
Somewhere quiet and with good wifi
78. If you believe in a God or Higher Power, what one question would you want to ask Him or Her?
I’m agnostic and I would ask them what the fuck
80. Are you more introverted or extroverted?
what’s extrovert, never heard of her
82. What do you worry about most?
my friends
84. Who do you compare yourself to?
my friends
86. What five words would you use to describe your personality?
quiet, funny, petty and anxious
88. What belief do you have that many people disagree with?
If you bite a bit off the tip off a goldfish cracker you can fill it with hot chocolate and have a tiny cheese cup
90. Is it possible to lie without saying a word?
yeah man, nodding’s a thing
92. If you had to teach an academic subject, what subject would you want to teach?
art or music (or pop culture if I knew more because that stuff is hella interesting)
94. What will matter most to you when you're 80 years old?
probably whatever cyborg pet I have at the time. Good ol’ fluffy
96. Are you a perfectionist?
I used to be, but now I have like 0 motivation
98. What is your guilty pleasure?
i’m not guilty about any of my pleasures
100. What is your favorite social media website?
Fuck, probably this hellsite. I jsut really like memes okay?
3 notes · View notes
puddygeeks · 5 years
Text
I’ve enjoyed trying a few products this month so I’m actually excited to do this post! I haven’t had much of a chance to get to the cinema so I haven’t got so many new movies to discuss, but I have watched more TV.
Beauty
L’Oreal Paris, Miss Baby Roll
I finally ran out of my Miss Manga mascara, and as previously promised decided it was time for a change. I wanted to stay within this range and see if I preferred any of the other styles. I read the description for a couple, and decided on the Miss Baby Roll as I have very short eyelashes. I could just use an eyelash curler, but they terrify me and I hate them. I liked the promise of curling my eyelashes up a bit more, as most of the time you can’t even see my lashes, and I liked the look of the applicator shape. Thus far I am loving it even more than my last! It does come out a little more clumpy than I’d like, but it otherwise applies wonderfully, the applicator really does help with lash curl and pushes them up nicely. It stays so well that it is actually quite difficult to get off properly at the end of the day, and it lives up to the waterproof promise wonderfully.
L’Oreal Paris Superstar Liquid Eyeliner Pen
I got this as a freebie as Boots were doing a 3 for 2 on L’Oreal products and I also need to replace my powder foundation as I’d been scraping the bottom of the pan for a while. I would otherwise probably have purchased the Kiko eyeliner again as I’ve been using them for a while. I’ve put this on my favourites as I am generally enjoying the product, the applicator size is awesome, especially for a cat eye. It reminds me of the limited edition Kiko pen that I can’t get any more, so that really make me happy. My only issue with this product is that it could not be any less waterproof if it tried. I often wipe off the wing of my eyeliner during the day, and if god forbid you cry in it, it goes everywhere. Not a fan of that, but generally it’s pretty good. I would possibly look at buying this again if they have a waterproof version.
L’Oreal Infallible Powder
I’m cheating a little by having this in here as I’ve definitely had it in previous favourite posts. I just wanted to chuck this in here to say that I loved this so much that I have repurchased it again, and it’s still one of my favourite things in my makeup bag. It rivals Mac powder but at a much more reasonable price.
Imperial Leather Marshmallow
If anyone remembers this limited edition set from Imperial Leather of sweet based scents in shower gels, these were my absolute addiction for a while. I’m gutted that I can’t get all of them any more, but I’m relieved that Marshmallow is still around. I’ve stopped buying the shower gel for now, as I feel it’s important to change your scents to keep them fresh, but I can admit I’ve got a little travel bottle filled with it for emergencies, in case they scrap the last one! I have this month discovered though that they now have the Marshmallow scent in a bubble bath and honestly it’s life changing. It is the best thing I have ever put in my bath and it smells like heaven. Give it a go!
Nivea Hydro Care Lip Balm
This may seem like a really random and dull thing to have in my favourites, but I don’t care. I have constantly got cracked lips, and I keep having problems with the corners cracking and splitting. Gross I know but it’s so painful and horrid. I have tried so many lip balms, and although in most thing I love a good scent, I’ve realised I really do not enjoy that on a lip balm. It’s also a massive hassle to find a good one that is scented or tinted or some other unnecessary rubbish. I’ve been using this for a while, and it’s a god send. It’s just a good simple product that does the job. 
Food
Mini Eggs
I know this makes me sound like a total pig but I am completely obsessed with these. It’s not overly surprising for anyone who knows me as I get re-obsessed with these every year as soon as the Easter supplies come into stores. The problem is that this happens a little earlier every year and so I have to try to resist for as long as possible. For me, as soon as I get that first taste of mini eggs it’s like a beast awakens inside me that can only be satiated by mini eggs. It’s no exaggeration to say that they become my primary food source. Definitely not good for the diet!
Yorkshire Tea: Bedtime Brew
It’s a bit ridiculous that I’ve had a different type of Yorkshire Tea bag in every favourites but I’m actually on the last one now. I do not usually like flavoured tea, I can’t stand any type of herbal tea bag and that’s definitely an issue as I have crap skin and trouble sleeping, so I could really do with getting some green tea and chamomile into my routine. As a compromise, I tried the breakfast brew, and although it has got a little bit of flavour, it’s actually not bad. I still prefer a plain standard brew, but having one of these before bed even a couple of nights a week has definitely helped to chill me out for bed. If you want to know a bit more about it, this is what it says online: Warm, satisfying taste of Yorkshire Tea, gently decaffeinated and blended with lemon balm and nutmeg, for a seriously snuggly hot drink. If you ask me, it smells like hot cross buns and honestly that’s my favourite thing about it.
Movies and TV
Captain Marvel
I’ll be honest, I wasn’t overly bothered about going to see this. I mostly only went because it’s the last Marvel movie before End Game so it was clearly going to be relevant, and because I was super determined to support a movie led by a female superhero. I was more than a little pleasantly surprised by this film. I absolutely loved it! It was incredible, it was funny, it showed an awesome female relationship (although I admit I feel like they copped out on adding a gay relationship there where it felt natural and not forced, but that’s a conversation for another day). I also didn’t realise how awesome it would feel to see a powerful, badass woman leading a Marvel film. We definitely need more of this.
Shadow Hunters
Honestly, this is definitely not the best thing on TV. The writing is quite predictable, unfortunately the lead actress is one of the worst actors I have ever seen in anything and the constant will they/won’t they between Jace & Clary has way too much screen time for something literally no one cares about. Having said all of that, it’s a fun show to watch, it has some pretty unique ideas and now they’ve increased the budget it’s looking a lot better. Reasons to watch this show? Magnus and Alec. Simple as that. I would watch a show entirely focused on their relationship tbh. 
The Disappearance of Madeline McCann
There’s a lot of hype about this at the moment, but I think that’s honestly because there’s always a lot of hype around little Maddie. I did watch all of this, and I wouldn’t say it was amazing, but it was certainly interesting. It presented a lot of theories and that was the best part for me. Everything else was a bit mediocre. 
Queer Eye
Praise the lord Queer Eye is back! It’s been a very long wait for me for some more of this and I am so glad that season three is finally here. I love these guys so much, but most of all I just want Tan and Antony to come and live with me. This is my favourite thing to watch when I just want to chill out with a cuppa in my pjs, or to have on in the background whilst I’m working on cosplay. Absolutely cannot get enough. 
Music
I have been enjoying using Spotify much more this month, so I’ve actually been listening to things outside of my regular ipod lists for once, crazy I know! As per usual I’ve got a real mix of genres and artists, but then if you’re coming here for music recommendations you know that already. This is what I’ve been listening to most:
Can’t Help Falling In Love – Haley Reinhart
Just You And I – Tom Walker
Someone You Loved – Lewis Capaldi
You’re The Voice – The Kingdom Choir
Sunflower (Remix) – Shaun Reynolds & Esmee Denters
Why Her Not Me – Grace Carter
Back Again – You Me At Six
 And that’s it for March! What are you March Favourites?
Peace
Kit xx
March Favourites! I've enjoyed trying a few products this month so I'm actually excited to do this post! I haven't had much of a chance to get to the cinema so I haven't got so many new movies to discuss, but I have watched more TV.
0 notes