#not much to say in the tags today im really tired but im also really excited for the next ep

[rafesfawn]

🪽🧺 𝐒𝐇𝐀𝐃𝐄𝐒 𝐎𝐅 𝐂𝐎𝐎𝐋

𝜗ৎ⋆｡˚ when rafe sees a precious little doll on the side of the road with a broke-down car, how can he resist out of the kindness of his heart offering her a ride? just a ride home, that's all...

or how trailerpark!angel!reader and rafe met!

warnings: use of the nickname pet & little one, reader! is eighteen-nineteen! bit of perv!rafe, barely proofread!

a/n: first time writing a rafe fic/blurb! im so excited, also this is based on this ask and thank you so much for sending something I really appreciated it and I hope u like it mwah! I would say you two meet in like early season 2 (right before the cross storyline) also for the format slight ib to others on here esp @rafesangelita (sorry for the tag!)

this was based off of this ask! which tysm i literally love requests and rafe and trailerpark!angel!reader is my new obsession <3

a small, meaningless kick was made to the tire while you huffed and groaned, putting two hands over your frustrated features as all you wanted to curl up into a ball and cry.

“piece of shit,” you mumbled under your breath, kicking the tire once more, but immediately a whimper fell from your lips. the pain shot from your toe up to your spine. making you sniffle and tip-toe in pain. in your denim ruffle skirt, white socks, and pink converse, you sat down on the asphalt, on the side of the road, leaning against the side of your broken-down car.

she wasn’t the best car, but she surely got you around most of the time. most of the time. it was a little volkswagen beetle, light pink in color, covered in so many stickers some wondered if it was passing inspection. it wasn't.

sitting with your head against the car for what felt like hours (it was maybe ten minutes), but spending even that on the side of a main road in kildare island was torture. especially with the beating sun late august provided.

rafe was speeding down the road on the way to play golf and get drunk with topper and kelce. “ah shit, i don’t know, man.” he said into his phone, holding it up with one hand; his voice gruff and confident, topper on the other line. “you really think i won’t kick your ass today huh?” a smirk grew on his already smug expression.

letting out a short chuckle at toppers response, nothing anybody ever said meant more than a laugh to him. or that's what it used to be like anyway, his act wasn't together if anything, it was worse than it'd ever been. his father condemning him to disingenuous "discipline" to forget about the possible death of his golden daughter.

"the fuck?" he mutters into the mic, his voice laced with confusion. as he sees up ahead on the road, a pink car broken down, with the most precious thing sitting against it. a pout on the angels soft lips and the most defeated look in her eye. aw, you just fell right into my lap, didn't you? little angel.

your eyes glued on the pavement, your entertainment of watching a little ladybug try to make it to safety in the distance, was shortly interrupted.

a nice black truck coming into view it came to such a short stop it almost took your breath away, the breaks slightly screeching at the haste. a tire replaced the spot the ladybug once was.

you stood brushing the dirt and gravel off the backsides of your pale thighs, left bare by the short fabric of your skirt.

the man stepped out of the truck. he was tall, and the sleeves of his polo looked like they were about to burst at the seams, not able to contain the biceps beneath. his features strong and statue-like, his deep sea eyes hidden behind the curtain bangs that hung over his forehead. a grin that seemed too genuine, too good to be true.

you removed your heart-shaped sunglasses, placing them on top of your head to see him more clearly. your possible savior, but he was anything but.

he stepped a bit closer, seeing the state of her already pretty beaten car, "having some car trouble?" rafe asked as if he wasn't stating the obvious.

you pretended he wasn't either as you nodded, the frown only slight now but still on your lips as your eyes remained looking up into his.

"aw.. poor thing we can't have that, what happened?" his voice, a mockery of sympathy. as he inspected the piece of shit car she loved so much. his care coming from a place of ownership, of burning ache or want.

still, in slight shock, you hadn't answered him, following behind him as he reopened the hood like he owned the car. not even realizing you'd been rude and not replied till he spoke again. "little one, i can't fix it if you don't tell me what's wrong." a heady mix of gentle and firm that made your mouth go dry and your head dizzy.

"oh- it's been on her last limb for like ever, i guess she finally called it quits... right on my way home." you said with a little sad laugh that rafe wanted to bottle the sound of and listen to on repeat. "and I really need to get home," you added fiddling with your fingers in front of you.

a sweet girl all out of options, rafe was so glad he was here to provide her with his help. "tell you what, I'll take you home and come back and fix this thing up for you, huh?" he offered, there goes his saturday plans he presumed. it'd be worth it. he told himself he'd make it worth it, with those shy eyes and the expression you carried like a lost puppy. you'd owe him he'd make sure to get something in return.

just like he figured, you shook your head. never wanting to accept such a grand favor. "I can't ask you to do that, I mean, I don't even know your name." nerves, curiosity, and a glint of something else tinged in your voice, so many wonders in that head as soon as his truck came to a stop for you. why? the only question running through your mind.

"It's rafe, can I help you out now?" his genuine grin turned almost smug at his own remark, brushing that bangs out his face, the effort pointless as they immediately fell back again.

you paused. picking at the already chipped white nail polish on your sore fingertips, a larger-rougher hand covered your own, stopping your movements with that firm gentleness he carried around her. you looked up at him, he was so much closer. the scent of some cologne that probably could pay your rent, and a tinge of smokey wood filled your senses.

"pet?" he questioned with an expecting tilt of his head, calling you that like it was the most natural thing in the world.

your body and mouth responding before giving another second for your brain or anxiety to think it over, you nodded. "can you please give me a ride home?" you hesitantly asked, it felt weird. getting help, and even asking for it felt foreign, he offered it so graciously like it was nothing.

looking down upon her, his grin turned genuine once again, his eyes seemed almost proud it was a soothing balm to her nervous heart. a rosy hue to her cheeks as his palm covered the side of her neck, making a few pats to the flesh before leading her to his truck.

you'd owe him. something he was sure you were ready for.

[lynn-tged-posting]

tged webtoon ep 167 spoilers and thoughts in the middle of me trying to get through midterms but it's okay because in this ep everythings starting to look up and IM SO HAPPY ABOUT IT

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GENUINELY THEIR EXPRESSIONS IN THIS EPISODE I LOVED SO SO SO MUCH both the goofy ones and the serious ones im so AAAAH MY HEART HAHAHAHAA ALSO ALICIA IS SO SO SOOO PRETTY AND COOL LOOK AT HER LOOK AT HERRR

all the shots of her in this ep r so so good,,,, clock his ass, your majesty,,,,, to save the world,,,,,,,,,

ALL THE SILLY EXPRESSIONS MADE ME SMILE SO SO WIDE they're so bug-eyed . i see where lloyd gets the creature from /lh

we dont see these expressions very much compared to the other ones so im very happy about this HAHA it's silly cute i am absolutely using these as reaction images

JAVIER DIDNT SAY MUCH IN THIS EP BUT HIS PANELS ARE FUCKING GOLDEN TOO HIS FUCKING SHRUG AS IF HE DOESNT KNOW WHEN HE ABSOLUTELY KNOWS WHATS GOING ON HERE ALKDFJLSDJKFHSDFHAHAHAHAHAHA

i love lloyd hes hilarious but javier how does it feel being the funniest person in the room at all times . he didnt even say anything in this ep i love him sm . goofy ass "i dunno ¯\_(ツ)_/¯" HAHAHAHAHA

also i really like this panel in particular. feels like an unintentional callback to dragon king's chef where michael does the same thing LMFAO

ALSO THIS PART WHERE ARCOS AND MARBELLA ASK THE QUEEN TO PUNISH THEM INSTEAD OF LLOYD IM. EATING MY FIST. how even though they're completely aware that he's not really their son they wanted to protect him anyway, AND THEN IN TURN LLOYD IS WILLING TO OUT THE TRUTH JUST TO PROTECT THEM??? IMMEDIATELY??? JUST LIKE THAT??? HELLO??? HELLO???

THIS GOD DAMN FAMILY IS FULL OF MARTYRS. GET ME OUT OF HERE

if i had a nickel for every time i got attached to a media with themes of martyrdom as a method of protection. id have two nickels. which isn't a lot. but it is amusing that it's happened twice. staring at tmnt

in this moment lloyd does not even care what risks might come with him stating outright that he's not actually lloyd but it doesnt matter all that boy is thinking about is protecting the people that he cares about, protecting the people that care about him,,,, eating my arm . HE KEEPS DOING THAT. HE KEEPS DOING THAT HE KEEPS PUTTING EVERYTHING ON THE LINE FOR THE PEOPLE HE LOVES

EVEN ALICIA FUCKING POINTS IT OUT, IN THIS PANEL SHE SAYS SMTH LIKE "when theres something u need to do, u go to the limits for it" or something like that i actually dont know which translations are correct but either way i interpret that as like. whenever lloyd has something he wants to protect he'll go above and beyond for it, no matter the cost. that cost more often than not is his own safety im gonna beat him up.

like buddy its happened enough times that her highness is CLOCKING U ON IT. BUDDY. BUD sob emoji loud wailing

i also really like this panel in general its just super cute heehee look at them . sillies. i dont typically ship characters and i dont typically multiship but alilloyd seems very sweet and i hope we get more of them talking and opening up

also i really wanna add these two panels because they made me giggle so fucking bad. lloyd u silly motherfucker LMAO "huh" HAHAHAHA

live footage of me looking at the work i still have left to do that i have not even started and its due within two days. god i fucking love the sillies so much

OOHHH ANNND MY FAVORITE PANEL OF THIS EPISODE

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH LLOYD REALIZING HE'S NOT ALONE AND THAT HE HAS SUPPORT IS MY FAVORITE FUCKING THING EVER!!!! YESSS YES YES YES YESSS IM SO FUCKING HAPPY GOD FUCK

u have friends and family behind u . ur not alone anymore algjkdlsaghhadfjasd UR NOT ALONE LLOYD U HAVE PEOPLE BEHIND U TO CATCH U WHEN U FALL YAYYYYY YAYAYAYY even the system is there IM SO HAPPY

i like the way he phrased his realization too, because yeah the more time went on the more he thought "i have to find the solution" cause he's been leading these projects for so long now, it's kind of just how he's been operating even back in korea, bc he spent so much time on his own. and here in lorasia he's the one with powers, he's the one leading the charge, so he has to take responsibility... but him realizing now that its not "i" but "we" makes me so so so incredibly happy,,,, ur not on ur own anymore u have people u can trust and they trust u back, regardless of whatever title or skill effect u have, ur not a single person leading, ur a team working together,,,, U GOT FAMILY AGAIN,,,,,,,, ghhhh,,,, WAAAAHHHH

when i hit this panel i started kicking my fucking legs around im so serious the joy i felt was PALPABLE

so incredibly happy to see his determined face make a comeback, like fully this time, so so happy!!!!

and these panels as he's leaving,,,, him being worried abt them still (and ofc he is, bc when he lost his parents as suho he was also going off and away to study), but he also trusts that theyll be alright,,, i think idk if im interpreting this right but thats how i see it

i really like how the artist drew these panels, the lineart on the side of the setting sun being lighter/softer i really like how this looks!!!! this feels new this feels so full of hope and im SO HAPPYYYY

also bisexual lighting. i know what you are. imagine that pointing forward at the viewer emoji i dont have it on my emoji keyboard bc my phone is old

i want to mention too that alicia calls the count and countess mother/father-in-law. i dont have much to say on that i am just JAWDROP EMOJI at that LMFAOO

and there he is,,,

his stupid fucking plotting evil face . it's back . WELCOME BACK LLOYD,,, BACK TO THE SHENANIGANS,,,, WE ARE NOW ON STEP THREE OF FOUR FOR PROFIT!!! THE ?????? SECTION!!!! what the fuck is he planning

okay thats all for this week thanks for stopping by :3 sorry there wasnt much insight here my main TLDR is YIPPEE YIPPEE YIPPEE basically

[pennedinblood]

as of ten minutes ago we are officially Jobless™️. my sign to retire early and devote the remainder of my existence to writing toxic old man yaoi

[possum-tooth]

ive been so good at not spending money that i think i deserve a little treat

[sexlapis]

Ho! I loooooooveeee your actor toji fics! Is it possible to get added to the taglist? Thank you ~

Also an idea: a bts scene of reader getting sick on set(perhaps even collapsing) due to fatigue and toji taking care of them- I feel like that'd be such a hit ship moment irl :D

thank you for liking my fics <3 you can be added to the tag list 🩵.

and omg yeah i love that idea of reader overworking themselves and toji looking after them :’). and yeah i didn’t make it a behind the scenes clip i made a short fic abt it bc i do not know when to stop.. like give me an idea and i will fly away w it like a bird liek..i don’t even think this is what you asked for srsly…i hope you don’t mind (but i’ll add it to my tojiyn headcanons hehe)

cw: actor toji x actress reader, hurt/comfort, angst to fluff, swearing, petnames (‘kid’, ik people don’t like this one but i think it’s so sweet & so toji :)), collapsing, mentions of skipping meals/not eating, poor sleeping habits, feelings of loneliness & inadequacy, crying, toji taking care of reader, i made this way more angsty than you asked sorry :(

wc: 2k+

you dragged yourself through the doors of the studio, immediately bombarded by directors, stylists, scrip writers and other cast members on your way to the dressing room, only fuelling your fatigue and stress.

sleep was a foreign concept at this point. five hours at most. so were healthy, filling meals - the last time you ate was yesterday at noon, and for breakfast today all you had was a cup of coffee, not helping your nervous, exhausted state.

admittedly, you were not doing very well. you felt that your acting was subpar and you felt lonely and isolated on set. while everyone went with their friends for a break or lunch, you sat by yourself in your dressing room, your only company being the silence.

sure, toji was also on set too, but he played a very minor role, so he wasn’t always there. and even when he was sometimes, he would hang out with the other crew members, which wasn’t a problem of course, but it did sting a little when he chose them over you.

you just felt so lonely, anxious and quite frankly upset at yourself and the circumstances you find yourself in.

there are a few knocks at your dressing room door and you weakly tell them to come in.

toji peeks is head in. “hey, kid. we start in five..” he takes a look at your weary face, dark eye bags prominent even through the makeup the stylists caked on and the frown on your lips and just knows something is wrong.

“are you ‘right?” he asks quietly, like you’re a deer who’s about to run away at the slightest of sounds.

“yes, i’m fine.” you lie, a voice in the back of your mind wishing he’d just ignore you like everyone else on this damn set does.

“‘you sure? ‘cause you don’t look-”

“i said im fine! just get out.” you snap, heart beating and breathing heavily at your own outburst.

fuck. you didn’t mean to say that.

but toji doesn’t look offended. he just nods and walks away footsteps fading as you put your head in your hands and sob.

so there you are, acting in front of the camera with your colleague in a scene where toji appears in too and you just seem off. everyone assumes it’s just not your day today and they’re not exactly wrong. you lines were slightly forced, tired and you were jittery and clearly apprehensive, like you didn’t even want to be here.

“cut!” the director calls out, more than annoyed with your behaviour. it was the sixth take and you’re really trying to make it believable, but it’s futile.

“this is the sixth take _____. this is ridiculous. get your act together. let’s take five.”

you look down at your shoes, face hot and chest thudding with embarrassment due to the director calling you out in front of everybody. tears well up in your eyes and you sigh, blinking them away as everyone starts talking again, walking away leaving you standing there like an idiot.

it all becomes too much for you. your empty stomach, oncoming headache, exhausted body, dry mouth, furrowed eyebrows, sweaty palms-

you let your script fall out of your hand as you stumble off the green screen, trying to get to your room before a hand is grabbing your arm. you turn around and it’s toji again.

“hey..” he leans down slightly to your height, scanning you over once. “you don’t look so good, _____-”

you shrug him off, vision becoming blurred with black static and limbs heavy and shaky. “i-i jus’ need to go. to my..uhm-” you stop, rubbing a hand down your face harshly. “i just-”

and then there is black.

౨ৎ

you come to and realise that you are laying on your dressing room couch, staring up at the ceiling. reaching up, you feel a wet, cool cloth on your head. you take it off. still fuzzy and body essentially lethargic, you try to sit up.

“hey, hey, hey.” toji whispers.

oh, toji’s here.

“take it easy.” he helps you sit up on the arm of the couch. he hands you a bottle of water and you drink it like a god.

“wait, what happened?” you ask, still confused and disoriented.

“you fuckin’ fainted that’s what,” he states bluntly. “scared the fuckin’ dogshit outta me.”

“oh.”

toji sits beside you on a chair, looking at you closely. you look down.

“the med team checked you out.” he tells you. “said you fainted, collapsed-whatever the fuck. ‘cos of stress and exhaustion. they even checked your blood sugar and said it was low as fuck.” he pauses. “not dangerously low,” he adds at the sight of your worried expression, “but.. low enough.”

you sigh, falling back on the couch. you think back to how the director shouted at you, how annoyed he was, and how humiliated you felt. tears start to form again and you cover your face with your hands, not wanting to cry in front of toji. you felt like you’ve had enough embarrassment for today.

toji leans forward. “what’s happening with you?”

the way he said it, so soft and concerned, makes the tears fall down and cause sobs to escape your mouth, hiccuped breaths falling from your mouth.

“hey, hey, hey..” toji coos. he reaches to you and makes you sit up again so he can take you into his arms. you let him, sobbing into his shoulder and sucking up all the comfort he gives you. toji’s big hand strokes your hair and the other caresses your back softly.

“shh, sh, sh…” he calms you down a little, you sobs turning into sniffles. he leans back and gives you space but his hands stay planted on your back. “tell toji what’s wrong.”

you hum sadly, looking down and gulping. “i’m..i’m tired. i wanna sleep..”

toji waits for you to continue. he can see you want to say more so he doesn’t hurry you along, he just rubs your back and nods to let you know you’re listening.

“i..” you take a breath, “i dunno what to do..i can’t do this fucking role.. i’m fucking tired half the fucking day and my so called colleagues don’t even like me!” you try to calm yourself down, taking another shaky breath. “and i just feel..lonely all the time..” you cry out the last few words, feeling another sob session coming up and toji pulls you close, letting you ruin his shirt with your tears as he rocks you back and forth in his arms.

“it’s okay, it’s okay..” he coos, resting his face in your hair.

you both stay like that for a few moments, you weeps dying down before toji talks.

“you can play this part, _____. ‘you have any idea how good your are, huh? you can act circles around half ‘these guys.”

you scoff, pulling your lips together. “i dunno about that..”

“‘m serious. _____, you can act, okay? ‘wouldn’t have made it this far if you couldn’t.”

“yeah but..this one’s hard..” you sigh, voice cracking but toji doesn’t let you start again.

“yeah, acting’s hard. but i can help you,” toji cups your wet face with his hands, wiping the tear streaks that paint you face, “we can all help you. the crew, your friends, that bitchass director. i’ll put a gun to everyone’s head to make them fuckin’ help you with this.”

you giggle at his seriousness and he huffs, relieved that you’re relaxing a little.

“they don’t hate you, y’know. everybody on set. the cast. they just think you’re a little shy and quiet. they don’t hate you, okay?” toji reassures you. you nod absentmindedly and he shakes your head from side to side to make you pay attention, making you smile, eyes crinkling even though they’re still tear stricken. “there she is..who the fuck could hate you, huh?”

“ugh, toji.” you roll your eyes, sniffling and rubbing your face. you pull away from him. “ugh..i just want my bed right now.”

“yeah..i know it ain’t my place but told the director that you’re taking a few days off. you need a break, kid.”

you didn’t even argue with him. you couldn’t.

“yeah, i do.” you agree.

suddenly, a loud rumble from your stomach erupts, it was like an earthquake.

toji laughs. “someone’s hungry.”

you groan. “‘m starving. haven’t eaten since yesterday.”

“we’re getting you something to eat.” he states, leaving no room for objections.

toji stands, holding his hand out for you to take. you do, his large, calloused hand dwarfing yours as he helps you stand up. “can you walk?”

“i will if there’s food involved.”

“that’s good.” toji chuckles, “how’s takeout sound?”

a/n: had to write a whole fic abt this i apologise 🥸 will add the tag list later i just keep forgetting the users </3

[faiirybread]

applause ︴aa23

🎤 in which.. a well known kpop idol meets a formula 1 driver

pt2!

yourusernameofficial just posted!

‘cold shoulder’ out in 24 hours. Enjoy, my blossoms🌷

tagged: smtown

liked by user1, alex_albon, and 9,238,012 others

user1 HOLY SHIITTTT

user2 MOTHER

user3 HUHH?? GIRLIE IS FEEDING US

user4 I LOVE YOU YN

user5 PLS PLS PLS TELL ME THIS IS HER REPUTATION ERA

user6 I THINK ID DIE OMG

user7 NO ONE IS DOING IT LIKE HER

user8 we love you yn!!💗💗💗

user9 forever proud to be a blossom 💐

alex_albon just posted!

Singa-poor luck luck.. Had some fun though! 🇸🇬👋

liked by albon_pets and 158,407 others

user1 youll bounce back in japan albono!

user2 why is fernando looking at me like that..

user3 we love fernando shoe model

user4 WE LOVE YOU ALEX

user5 itll be better next race 💙

yourusernameofficial just posted!

First stage of Could You, Would You, and you guys were magical!! I love hearing your fanchants and cheers, thank you to everyone who watched! 💗 🌷

liked by alex_albon, user1, and 8,261,864 others

user1 BREATHTAKING. AMAZING. GROUNDBREAKING

user2 love from france!

user3 you never fail to impress!!

user4 is it just me or did she seem really tired??

user5 its just you babes

user6 get off her mfking page if your gonna bring her down.. stupid hater

user4 im not hating, im a long time stan but im just worried about her.. going from a year and a half tour right back into a new album promotions is tough..

user5 WE LOVE YOU YN!

user6 😍😍😍

user7 COLD SHOULDER AOTY, COULD YOU WOULD YOU SOTY, YN ARTIST 👏 OF 👏 THE 👏 YEAR ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

user8 ALEX ALBON LIKE?? WHAT IS GOING ON?

user9 who the hell is that..

user8 hes a formula 1 driver!

user9 he needs to get the hell away from yn.. she doesnt need someone like him dragging her down

user10 girl what the hell are you on, all he did was like her post??

user9 i just want the best for her and he is clearly not it 😒

alex_albon just posted a story!

yourusernameofficial Thank you so much for coming, I’m so glad you enjoyed it!

alex_albon I loved it! You are a master at performing 😆

user1 ALBONO A KPOP STAN??

user2 SINCE WHEN DID YOU LIKE YN

user3 GET AWAY FROM MY WIFE

user4 STOP. LET ME HAVE YN WHILE YOU DO YOUR LAPS AROUND THE TRACK

yourusernameofficial just posted!

tagged: smtown

liked by alex_albon, user1, and 8,638,273

comments have been limited

kymillman just posted!

YN YLN spotted at the paddock today! She seemed to be very confused as to where to go, but was pointed in the right direction by some of our drivers.

liked by user1, user2, and 56,823 others

user1 YN AT A RACE?

user2 i thought she was on a hiatus..

user3 shes on a hiatus from music, but she’ll still be out and around 😊

user3 her fashion sense is soo pretty!

user4 right?? i NEED her to meet lewis and zhou!

user3 sorry im not much of a f1 fan, who are they?

user4 lewis is lewis hamilton, a 7-time world champion and an icon in the sport, he has really cool outfits every week and drives for mercedes, and zhou is zhou guanyu, a driver for alpha romeo, and also has really cool outfits, he’s in his second year!

user3 awesome!! ill watch them and alex albon!

user5 so she cancels promos for cold shoulder then goes to a race??

user6 thats what im saying! i dont think that alex albon guy is a good influence on her..

user4 bro be so fr, alex albon did not tell her to go on a hiatus. her logical brain did after she was STALKED AND HARASSED BY HER “FANS”

user6 why is fans in quotes? they wanted to meet her, and shes not easy to meet so they did what they could, whats wrong with that?

user5 dude wtf are you on about, thats stalking and she has a right to be upset, im just wondering why she went to such a highly-publicized event after trying to get out of the public

user7 she looks so tired, i hope shes taking care of herself 😕

[dwritesit]

this was supposed to be just a ramble about t4t phantom dew scissoring but it turned into a whole. thing.

unedited, i just wrote this on my breaks at work today lol

tags?: trans ghouls, cunt/pussy/clit/dick/tit used to describe their anatomy, scissoring, puppy as a petname, looots of petnames for tommy

word count: 3244

read under the cut!

...

dew coming back from a trip, an errand that ifrit used to take care of and is now dews responsibility. he's tired, pent up from having to go alone, and he misses his mates so much that it drags at him - but its late when he arrives at the abbey so he knows he's going to have to wait until morning for any sort of pack cuddles or... more than that.

he heads right for his room, fumbling to balance all of his belongings while he pushes the door open, and he's met with the most delectable sight.

he nearly drops his bags when the scent hits him like a punch to the nose. lavender and mint, electric on his taste buds as his tongue darts out to lick his lips. the scent burrows into dews gut, quickly burning into heated desire as sweet whimpers tickle his ears.

"what's this, puppy?" dew will ask, slowly setting his things down.

phantom whines at the name, his hips still thrusting against the pillow like an invisible force is moving them. the quintessence ghoul’s cheeks are blotchy, hes been crying, wailing as he gets close to the edge but can never reach the finish line. he didnt register dew at first, so lost in his heat, in the sensation of dews pillow against his little dick, but as soon as he realizes dew is there, the fire ghouls name is flying off his tongue like a reverence.

dew takes in the sight before him. phantom, bare as the day he was summoned, his lilac and white patched skin glinting with sweat. his plush lips were swollen, they looked bitten, chewed with worry as the poor ghoul tried desperately to catch his release and was met only with more need. dark hair, streaked with white at the front was a mess, poking out in all different directions. what really caught dew was phantoms eyes. how his furrowed brow scrunches and precious tears continue to tumble down his soft cheeks as the fire ghoul stares at him.

"please," phantom says shakily. his hips slow, and dews breath catches in his chest as he admires the large, dark patch on his off-white pillowcase. it wont come out, he already knows, its going to smell of the quint ghoul's desire for him until theyre long gone from the earth. dew doesnt care. he plans to shove his face in the pillow after the night is over and breathe it in while he touches himself.

it burns through him, lust, need, want, desperation. like he's pulling phantom's emotions off his shoulders and adding them to his own. it makes him feel lighter, and he wants to pounce and ravage and take the sweet ghoul apart, to make him cry. equally, it fills him with warmth. with passion, love, makes him feel gooey inside to find one of his mates waiting for him like this - that phantom had missed dew just as he had missed him.

so he moves slowly. though his quickly stiffening clit spasms in his boxers. he takes his time, keeping eye contact with phantom, who is beginning to look more curious than distraught, as dew sits down on a bench across from the bed to untie his boots.

phantom stills himself, watching the fire ghoul, waiting for instructions and dew knows it. the room is quiet, and dew also knows how the other ghoul tends to squirm against the lack of rules. hed be desperate to know what sort of game dew is about to play - maybe he will be patient and wait for dew to tell him what is going to happen, or-

"im sorry," it's almost a whisper, voice coarse probably from crying. it makes dew wonder why none of the other ghouls had gotten to the room first, they must have heard the shouts of pleasure throughout the entire hallway lined with their separate bedrooms.

dew clicks his tongue as he slides one boot off and then moves to the other, taking his eyes away from phantom to focus on his task. there was a wet patch spreading through his own underwear, making his fingers shake against the strings. he cant wait to take phantom apart.

"sorry for what, baby boy?"

phantom whines, "your pillow, dewy. i ruined your pillow."

the other boot comes off and hits the floor with a loud thud. dews tail flicks at the nickname he only allows this puppy to use.

"that's okay, you didn't do anything wrong. its just a pillow," dew says as he stands. he shucks off his jacket and tosses it over a chair, but leaves the rest of his clothes on as he approaches the bed. he watches phantoms eyes flick up and down his body, a silent question as to whether or not dew planned to stay clothed. dew doesn't answer it.

"why didn't you ask one of the others to help you? you're in heat." he says instead, and phantoms eyes well up again in response, "did you miss me?"

phantom nods fervently, catching his lower lip on one of his fangs in an attempt to not cry.

"just-just wanted you. needed- need you. it hurts"

dew understands this; many of the ghouls' heats often craved for a specific partner in the beginning, sometimes craving the mate they hadn't been with in a while, or in dew's case, it was always rain who he was bonded with. the heat doesn't settle until it gets what it wants.

dew reaches out to stroke phantom's cheek, and the quintessence ghoul leans into his hand heavily, a crackling purr kicking in instantly as he nuzzles dews skin. dew's own purr spurs to life, filling the silence with their rumbles. he feels good. being needed, being missed. and phantom's openness, some might call naïve, but to dew it was beautiful. the quint ghoul unburdened by shame, wearing all of his emotions on his pretty features, not yet instilled with the insecurities and fears many of the other ghouls gathered during their time on earth. a part of dew aches, remembering how he had once been just as vulnerable, splaying his heart out for all of his lovers - he's grateful for their patience with him now. he's grateful for this ghoul in front of him who doesn't even know yet that one might judge the display of emotions.

"need me to take care of you, sweet bug?" dew asks, bringing his other hand up to cup phantom's face. phantom nods in the hold, his body squirming under dew's watchful eyes. the fire ghoul considers what the next step is, should be. phantom often enjoyed when dew was mean, the back of a hand against his cheek, but tonight felt heavier than that. thick with more than just lust, softer around the edges.

"are you going to be good for me?" dew asks, taking step back, a shiver running down his spine as phantom chases his touch. the way he needs him makes possessiveness spark inside dews chest.

"always," phantom promises. dew takes another step back, just so he can see all of phantom before him. still poised on his knees, cunt pressed to the pillow. dew can tell he's itching for more friction, lilac tail hitting the mattress in quick succession.

"always good for me," dew says, "show me then."

"show you?" phantom tilts his head to the side cutely.

"show me how you were before i got home, tell me what you were thinking about."

phantom swallows visibly, nodding as he mentally prepares, "no teasing right?"

"i wont tease you tonight, sweet bug. just want to see how beautiful you are when you're so desperate for me."

phantom flushes at the words and nods again, more eagerly, "i was..." he grinds down on the pillow softly, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment at the sensation, "i was thinking about you... missed you so much."

"did you miss my cock, baby?" dew gently palms himself through his pants, they were almost soaked through already.

phantom shook his head, "n-no, i mean - yes! always... but i wanted-want just you."

dew stares as phantom rolls his hips down harder. his little patch of hair above his slit is glistening with his slick, the puffiness of his lips are mesmerizing as they drag across the fabric. dews desire to grab and devour is almost as strong as his want to take his time with the other ghoul.

"i was thinking about that-that time when i felt- shit, felt you against me," phantoms words trail off into a moan. dew steps forward, unable to stop himself from lifting phantom's chin so he can swallow the sounds off of his tongue. he kisses him greedily; slow and deep, savoring his sharp, electric flavor, phantom continuing to let out sweet little noises into dew's mouth as he ruts against the pillow. when he lets go, phantom keens loudly.

"can we please?"

"please what, baby boy?" dew knows what.

"dewy, i need to feel you. i need it. it hurts, please."

dew kisses him again, filthier this time, until there's spit dribbling down his chin. he moans into it, which spurs the other ghoul on further, "you need to feel my pussy on yours?"

phantom cries out, hips stuttering at the words, more weak than even dewdrop is to dirty talk. dew knows it, revels in it.

"please, please!" phantom begs.

"want me to ride your sweet little cunt like last time?" dew emphasizes the words by reaching down between them to slide his fingers between phantom's folds. the quintessence ghoul ruts up into his hand, covering it in slick, moans growing louder. the whole abbey must know what they're up to by now. dew grins, thinking about how the other ghouls would be begging for every detail in the morning, probably jerking themselves to all of phantom's desperate noises.

"you have to let the pillow go and help me undress if you want it. can you do that for me, puppy?"

phantom nods quickly, but his body is reluctant as he slowly takes the pillow out from between his thighs. dew lets him take his time, shaky fingers pulling at his shirt buttons and struggling with his zipper. he knows phantom wants to earn it, wants to be good for him, so he lets him. praising him as he goes, drinking in the sight of his blushed cheeks, his wagging tail.

the room is thick with both of their scents by the time dews clothes are fully removed and tossed to some corner. they both breathe it in, phantom's sharp heated scent; the lavender and mint - and dew's beach campfire, salt and smoke. he likes the way they intertwine with each other, so different that they never fully homogenize, but its exciting the way he can taste both of them on the air.

phantom is staring at dew, between his thighs where the fire ghoul is now on display. he's waiting for permission.

"want to touch?" dew asks.

phantom licks his lips, "want to taste."

so dew lets him. he kneels onto the bed before settling back against the headboard. his thighs part, skin already shiny, his cunt aching. phantom wastes no time before diving in, licking up between dews folds, sucking his clit, lapping at his slick. a cacophony of moans and cries leave dew's tongue, forcing down embarrassment because he wants to bare himself open for phantom, wants him to know how good he makes him feel. phantom swallows it down, becomes more eager he louder dew gets.

a barrage of praises fall off dew's own tongue, and he grasps at phantoms hair, shoving him deeper, "that's it, baby, you're so good at this. making me feel so good, fuck."

he lets phantom up for a moment, and the quintessence ghoul is grinning, face covered in dew from his nose to his chin. his dark tongue swipes around his mouth, wiggling his ass in the air. then hes dropping back in again, his tongue poking at dew's hole before sinking inside and fucking in and out. dew shouts with pleasure, phantoms nose pressed against his clit as he licks inside him.

dew's gut tightens. he gently tugs on phantom's horn to bring him up, he doesn't want to finish like this. phantom looks drunk when he rises for the second time; pupils completely blown out, covering his bright gold irises almost completely, and he's whining while one of his hands slithers between his own legs.

dew replaces that hand with his own, teasing phantoms hard nub, its raw and sensitive, and he brings their mouths back together. the taste of himself fills his senses, electric campfire as he sucks his slick off of phantom's tongue. dew nips at his lips, adding sweet metallic to the spice, and phantom gives into all of it. gives all of himself to dew as he grinds into dews hand.

"you're so lovely," dew says against his lips.

"i love you," phantom cries in response.

dew cant help but smile into their kiss, fangs clicking together, "i love you too, sweetness."

"need you now, need to cum." phantom's breathing is erratic, his clit twitching in dews hand.

dew nods. he tries not to show it, wanting to remain calm and steady for his mate, but he needs it just as bad. he craved touch the whole weekend he was away.

"lay back for me, sweetheart. there you go,"

phantom lays back on the bed, head propped up with a pillow, one leg raising at the knee instinctively knowing what is coming. dew smiles at the beautiful vision before him.

"look how wet you are," he says, eyeing the way phantoms thighs have slick dripping down them, and now down towards his ass. the whole bed will need to be stripped but its worth everything, "almost as soaked as rainy when he's in heat."

"rainy," phantom breathes out.

dew grins, "yeah? want rainy to come help out in the morning?"

phantom nods, biting his lip. dew spreads his legs farther apart, raising himself up on his own legs to settle vertically across phantom's. he lifts one of phantom's legs higher, positioning himself so his own cunt is directly above his own. he's dripping down, aching to press against phantom's, to feel his little clit against his own.

"you know," he starts as he slowly lowers himself, wanting to drag out the heat of it all, "they're probably listening right now."

phantom nearly sobs as dew finally sits down, their cunts sliding together with how wet they both are. dew has to grit his teeth in order to not cry with him. he grinds down slowly, watching phantoms head fall backwards against the pillow, eyes rolling with the movement.

"they'll all be jealous, jerking off into their hands right now listening to your pretty sounds, puppy," dew continues, rolling his hips in a rhythm that phantom doesn't have enough brain left for to keep up with. the quintessence ghoul's hips only stutter and rut, and dew can't blame him. the sensation against all his aching parts is intense, he can feel his own heat being kicked at, pleasure zipping through every nerve in his body. the sounds made it worse, slick noises filling the air as he ground down on him. he tries to emphasize his movements over phantoms clit, wanting to stimulate him as much as he can.

"good puppy," dew says through his teeth, fingers digging dimples into phantom's thigh as he speeds up his pace, condensation beginning to bead on his brow and shoulders, "maybe we should let them watch next time, would you like that?"

phantom can't respond, too lost in it, falling into bliss as delicate feminine moans are ripped from his throat. dew wants to keep him there, keep his mate feeling this good forever. he knows how stressed the ghoul gets, how exhausted. phantom's love language was physical touch, a way for him to relax and cool down, and dew wants to give it all to him, make him feel loved. praise him for asking for what he needs.

dew's riding phantom in earnest, sweet words tumbling out unapologetically. phantom is crying his name, begging for more, asking if he's allowed to cum over and over.

"you need to cum baby?" dew asks, grinding harder, able to keep his own desperation out of his shaky voice. that familiar knot is growing in his gut, he needs this just as badly. to let go with his mate.

"need it so bad, want to cum with you."

"want to cum with you too, puppy."

phantom arcs off the bed, one hand digging into dews thigh, the other tweaking his own nipple - if dew could reach at this angle, he'd be sucking on them, running his forked tongue over the buds till phantom was crying from sensitivity.

"can you play with your other tit for me sweetheart? i cant reach, but i love how sensitive you get," dew says and phantom obeys quickly. hand leaving dews thigh and whimpers leaving his lips as he fondles himself. "good boy, so good for me."

"can i please cum?" phantom is crying, tears streaking down his cheeks, making his eyes sparkle.

"cum for me," dew begs, "cum with me."

he moves his hips back in forth, faster and faster, watching phantom's face as it contorts in concentration, chasing the finish line. phantoms body goes rigid for a moment, then he arcs up again, mouth agape with a cut-off cry as he finally gets his release. it gushes out, soaking between them further and that's all dew needs before he's coming with him, vision going white, legs shaking with the effort to keep riding phantom through it. he feels it between them, their releases combined, making the most sinful, wet sounds as dew slowly comes to a stop.

chest heaving, dew tries to catch his breath.

"dewy..." phantom's voice is mushy, and when dew looks at him, he sees the ghoul barely able to keep his eyes open.

"you wanna sleep?" he asks as he raises himself up, shivering as their combined fluids seep down his legs. phantom nods, already beginning to curl into a ball, his tail pulled up towards his mouth, "sleep, i'll clean you up, okay?"

"okay... i love you," phantom says sleepily around his tail. dew smiles, leaning over and pressing a lingering kiss to the sweet ghoul's forehead. he quickly goes to the bathroom to clean himself off, maybe he takes a little bit longer than intended because he can's resist sucking phantom's slick off his fingers, but eventually returns with a warm, wet washcloth. he keeps it warm with his magic as he wipes between phantom's thighs. he cleans it once, then returns to wipe the salt from the other ghoul's skin. he only has to move phantom once, just to put a fresh blanket down - he can strip everything tomorrow - and then settles down beside him.

he feels... good still. the ache is dulled. it's the best homecoming he's had in a while.

[forest-posts-and-reblogs]

Update

I've finally finished the first chapter for Loving You Is A Losing Game! Here is the link to AO3, and I've also posted the first chapter under the cut.

@fisticuffsatapplebees @im-totally-not-an-alien-2 @space-dreams-world @omnicrafts @butterflypeachgrove you guys get the credit!

Tag List:

@taniaundertaleau @whitecrowbane @xye-chan @my-perfect-storybook-love @meira-3919 @bubblemixer @wackyattack

Danny stared at the portal, his finger merely one inch away from the self-destruct button. His hands shook as he stared down the portal.

Am I really doing this?

He took a deep breath, closing his eyes and releasing the tension from his body. It felt like this was the only way, but . . . It couldn’t be. There had to be something else he could do.

But he knew there wasn’t. Things had changed. He couldn’t stand being here, alone in Amity Park, where nobody cared about him unless it was to shove him into a locker and where his parents were planning to kill him. He was tired of waiting for someone to see him, tired of waiting for something to change.

Because nothing would.

He’d destroyed Vlad’s portal to the Ghost Zone and stolen his blueprints so he wouldn’t be able to make another one, and he’d planned on doing the same for his parents portal, too, but now . . .

He couldn’t do it.

Danny fled upstairs, away from the portal, away from the basement, away from the place he’d died three years ago and no one had noticed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Danny could safely say that today was the worst day of his life.

His friends hadn’t spoken to him since they’d started hanging out with Gregor two months ago. Since they’d replaced him with Gregor two months ago. Danny didn’t hold out much hope that they’d talk to him today. He hadn’t had hope for the past week now.

He hadn’t been planning on going to school today, but he knew that if Principal Ishiyama sent another call to his parents he’d be grounded. And since ghost attacks had decreased after he’d destroyed Vlad’s portal three weeks ago, getting grounded meant incessant boredom. Or having to listen to his parents talking about the experiments they planned on doing to Phantom. The thought of that alone made him feel faint - actually having to experience it would be ten times worse. Which was why Danny snuck into class halfway through first period, using his invisibility and intangibility to pretend he’d been there the whole time. Not that he thought it would work on Lancer. He had a sneaking suspicion that Lancer was the only person besides Wes who knew he was Phantom.

Danny held in a bitter laugh. Somehow, his friend circle had gone from Sam, Tucker and Valerie to Wes. And Wes had spent the better part of two years attempting to reveal his identity.

The period ended, and Danny just walked straight through the wall next to his desk and into the corridor outside, not caring if anyone saw him. He knew no one would believe that he was Phantom. After all, Wes had tried to tell the town for years and had failed, at least until the GIW attack seven months ago when he’d realized exactly what was waiting for Danny if his identity was revealed. Wes had gotten a lot cooler since then, slowly entering his friend group.

Until Gregor. Until everything had happened and Sam and Tucker had decided to kick him to the curb. Valerie had already done so two years ago, when he’d first revealed to her that he was Phantom. She hadn’t taken it well.

Danny still had a scar from when she’d stabbed him with a knife made from ecto-ranium.

He reached his locker, not even bothering to act surprised when Wes was standing leaning on the wall right next to it. He knew Wes would have been watching him through the bugs he’d placed in Fentonworks. 

Wes was always watching Fentonworks.

Danny opened up his locker, pulling out a random textbook. “I couldn’t do it.”

“I saw,” Wes said, not unkindly. He paused for a moment, before asking, “Wanna talk about it?”

“No.”

Wes stared at him for a few seconds before nodding. “You planning on doing it tonight?”

“I was thinking I’d spend the night at yours, actually.” Danny slammed his locker shut and turned to face Wes. “My parents have an idea for a new invention.”

Wes clenched his fist. “All the more reason to do it tonight.”

Danny took a deep breath. “I can’t, Wes. Not tonight. I can’t go down there again. I died there, Wes, and no one noticed and I can’t go back to the basement and stand in front of the portal and push that button, I just can’t.”

Wes hesitated. "All right." He pushed Danny to the side and opened up his locker. Danny was about to protest when Wes took the books from his hand and gave him a different set of books.

“You have English now, idiot.” Wes shook his head. “Not Chemistry.”

Danny blinked, taking the books. “Thanks.”

Wes grinned at him, slinging an arm over his shoulder. “No problem, dumbass.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Danny wasn’t entirely sure how it had happened, but somehow, his parents had captured a shade.

Humans couldn’t even see shades.

Danny would have to figure out a way to get his parents to spill the beans on how they’d caught the poor thing, but right now he needed to come up with a plan to sneak in and return the shade to the Ghost Zone, where it belonged.

It wouldn’t be particularly difficult. All he’d have to do would be to make sure that his parents were sufficiently distracted, and then he could open the portal and get the shade through to the other side. Which was why he was currently standing invisibly outside the basement door, waiting for the call Wes would make with one of his burner phones to Fentonworks, and when his family inevitably answered it, they’d be told that there was a ghost attack in progress at the park. The pair would immediately rush to the GAV, leaving Danny free to go down and save the shade.

Danny pressed himself further into the wall as the house phone rang and Mom walked out of the basement, muttering about bothersome people interrupting their work , a scowl on her face. The scowl, however, immediately vanished as she heard what was being said by the person on the other end. He watched as the call ended and she rushed downstairs, excitement evident on her face, and a few minutes later both she and Dad ran out of the basement and into the garage. Danny released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, and sank through the floor and into the basement. The sooner he got this over with the better.

It was easy enough to find the shade; after all, they were both ectoplasmic entities, and shades in particular were so common that Danny had no trouble finding them even in his human form. Which was good, since unlike blob ghosts, shades had such low levels of ectoplasm that his ghost sense couldn’t locate them at all. Danny opened the small ecto-resistant container his parents had trapped the shade inside, and held his hand out, waiting. The shade jumped into his palm after only a few seconds. He held back a grin as he walked over to the portal. Easy . Now all he had to do was get the shade to the Ghost Zone.

Danny held his hand over the button that would open the Ghost Portal.

It was shaking.

Danny closed his eyes and tried to relax. This wasn’t even the same button. It was in an entirely different location. He wasn’t going to die again - not unless he felt like it. Danny felt his lips twitch at the joke, and emboldened, he opened his eyes and quickly pressed the button, jumping back almost immediately.

The Fenton Ghost Portal came to life, a green glow that looked almost like a maw forming inside of it. Danny shot through and quickly found the shade in his palm a nice island with a bunch of other shades. He sent out a wave of safe-protect-happy so the shade would know it was safe to stay there, before returning to the realm of the living.

He wished he could stay in the Ghost Zone a bit longer.

[gunsli-01]

I was tagged in this by @tired-and-unjellied @rainbowghostcat and @a-star-that-burns-brightly,

cute thing im coming up with this picrew of yourself and your current hyperfixation !!

Thank you all for tagging me I was happy to see it and it made me feel really included! I love being tagged in things generally. So, it really made my day to see these as I was going through my days!

I hope you're all enjoying yourselves and the new timeline information!

Oh, and Rainbow on a milgramblrgram note did you like the long greeting. It's getting great reviews-

How was the portrayal of Mikoto, I'd like to know your thoughts if you have time to read all that- that is. No pressure if you don't though. It's pretty long.

To be honest my current hyper is actually just me, myself, and fucking I. Yet, that's not a media and I did just write all that so ya already know I'M- (<- Accurate depiction of the fanbase falling into super hell trial three. I'll be fine though~ Because I was already in hell. So, I'm just going to be going, "Super!")

I've pretty much been embodying this song. To me selfcare is recognizing when I don't want to speak to anyone and not pushing myself to do so out of a misguided fear of missing the opportunity to, or misinterpreted my own feelings and ways of display care and consideration one-sidedly. Ultimately causing a lot of undue stress. That and generally recognizing that no one is ever entitled to the ability to access/communicate with someone else especially if someone is abusing that ability.

This may sound antisocial, maybe on some level it is. Yet, this is actually the most social I've been in a year. It's more just a reminder to myself to just not talk to people who make me feel bad about talking to anyone at all or about my hobbies. Something that some may be able to tell I've been really getting back into.

So another current hyper fixation has been my many ocs. Right now with a big focus on my little sweetie Daniel-

Who also fits that song quite a lot too I'm realizing,

Daniel: Yeah, it’s a real touristy place but a lot of students where I go hangout there due to it. Easy to get lost in a crowd. So, sometimes I just get a ride out there when invited or someone sends a ride to me if they really want me there. Nayo: Sounds fun- though it also sounds like the times you go there are very conditional. Have you ever been there without being invited Daniel: I mean yeah. Why else would I go there? Nayo: Was just curious- since you did just say that you tend to either pay for a ride when you’re invited out or someone sending one to you. For all I know, it could have been specifically to meet up with people. Daniel: Yeah, it was just to meet up with others. Not like that’s a crime though.

"I've gone outside and taken Ubers my friends have made me go."

I've been trying to to plot out the best way to finish his trial. I'm also really into Mugram (Mayumi and Masaru the oops we fucked up at work duo that is if Masaru is running a gambling scam to make quick cash.) and Tsumigram (mostly still really fixated on Toa) still. Plus, I'm interested in seeing a-star-that-burns-brightly opinion on the new timeline today. Sorry about that at first disjointed explaination on the pregnancy entrapment theory by the way I fuck up spelling a lot and sometimes forget connectors are necessary hope the edited version connected things in a more understandable way.

Also more proof for that pregnancy entrapment Yuno theory just dropped thanks to Nott sending me the graffart. Where staff just decides to highlight the red ribbon that's tied to the balloon reflected in Yuno's eyes within Umbilical the one she was aiming seeming just in case her first songs visuals were to subtle about it,

Since the graffart is directly referencing things in the prisoners first trial songs,

I messed up I found out- Is right!

Yuno as soon as she found out that was Yellow's baby,

"Oh, please! Gimme that baby and I'd yeet it off a tower."

The fanbase trial three are about to be out here like, "What?!"

Oh damn that's gonna be funny if it's actually the case.

So, yeah I've have a lot things that I've had my eyes on lately. Sorry for the more long response. I just didn't want to just slap all your tags together answer and say nothing else. So I brought up a few things I thought might interest all of you.

Also, go check out @apatchworkstar they put a theme on her blog for desktop that's very cute. Also on that note thanks for the all the help Tired-and-Unjellied I really hope it wasn't too much of a bother.

Oh also I'm tagging Star and @purgemarchlockdown for the tag game. Neither of you have to do it if you don't want to, though.

[radfem-rage]

im almost out of high school. since i realized i was gay in middle school, i've given a chunk of my social life to other queer people, to feel safe and accepted. i followed along with what everybody else believed was 'correct', and that was always pro-sex work, anti-terf, etc. i never agreed with it, though. i was. scared to express my beliefs and be shamed and denounced before i can even explain. but i dont really care anymore?? im just so tired.

feels weird to say, like im breaking a big rule, but i am a radfem, and it's like a weight has been lifted off my chest. to see that i'm not the only young woman who isn't brainwashed and sees the damage actively being done, the damage being maintained over thousands of years.

your blog (and the radfem tag in general) is so refreshing. it's real, it's powerful, it's sane, and it's necessary. i feel so much better now, admitting this to myself even if nobody i know will see it (yet). thank you.

Thank you so much for your message!

I used to be a libfem and was kinda kept in the dark about how the world truly worked. I was brainwashed by men, told that women “are equal now” and that feminism isn’t necessary anymore and that slowly women would easily get leadership positions. Also had it drilled into me that women were a silly little feeling for men, I used to get shut down by TiM’s a lot and then by handmaidens when I complained.

Then I saw how much misogyny was still in the world today (it is fucking EVERYWHERE) and my eyes opened. How women today still aren’t having medication tested on their body but it all centers male bodies, how women are more likely to die in car crashes or from a heart attack because the female body isn’t used in tests and medical books only have information about male symptoms of a heart attack.

Thank fuck I woke up. And best thing is it was handmaidens and misogynists who helped me wake up. That’s kinda what happens when you shut down any woman who refuses to parrot what you say.

[xoxiu]

twinkle - ot7 x reader

chapter 08

table of contents

masterlist

join the taglist

summary: she had just wanted attention, that’s why she kept texting the strange number, updating him on everything in her life. little did she know how dangerous this relationship actually was. it had been jimin’s idea to kidnap the girl, but the ability to travel across the world to actually do it had been all hoseok’s doing. convenient how some things work, right? they knew that they were destined to have their baby with them, whether she wanted it or not.

tags/warnings: kidnapping, forced age regression, spanking, noncon, mafia au, drug use, stockholm syndrome, caregiver!bts, little!reader, nonsexual, diapers, panic attacks, fluff and angst, sickfic, referenced child abuse, unrequited love

a/n: i wrote this fic in 2018 on ao3 and wattpad, but im putting it here for archival reasons ♡

The end of the day was drawing near, and Jin was too anxious to properly function. Everyone except Jin, Yoongi, and Namjoon were called in for a drug exchange involving a very unpredictable client who had a tendency to skip out on his payments. Not long after that, Ophelia started to gain confidence, considering that the majority of her captors were now gone. She became much more stubborn to the point where she even ended up punching Namjoon in the nose.

"We have to drug her again, Jin," Namjoon said, talking quietly so the child in question wouldn't be able to hear them. She was currently in time-out, sitting in the corner of the kitchen where she was previously this morning. 

"No, I don't want to," Jin replied, running a hand through his hair. "I want her to have at least the freedom of movement. She can relax more that way."

The couple turned around to look at Ophelia, who was quietly sitting with her head leaning against the wall. Jin would most likely have to put her to bed soon after her time in the corner was done- it was long past her bedtime. Jin sighed before speaking again.

"She hasn't eaten at all today, Joon. Nor has she used her diaper or taken-"

"Shh," Namjoon cut him off, "Don't stress about that. Give it time- it's only been a day."

Checking that 10 minutes has passed (and also that it was half past 11, they'd really better get Ophelia to bed soon), Namjoon approached the sleepy girl in the corner and gently picked her up. "Can you say sorry for hurting Appa?"

Silence.

Namjoon only sighed before looking towards Seokjin, but still speaking to Ophelia. "I bet you're hungry, baby. Do you want Eomma or Appa to feed you?"

Silence yet again. 

"Come here, sweetie. Eomma will get you ready for bed while Appa makes you a bottle." Jin took Ophelia from Namjoon and slowly rocked her and hummed a song. Poor thing was too tired to give her usual fuss at being held.

Ophelia was dozed off when Jin entered the nursery, so changing her into her pajamas was much easier than changing her out of them earlier that day. He currently had her on his lap, rocking back and forth in the rocking chair next to her crib. The door opened and Jin expected his boyfriend to enter with the bottle so he could finally put Ophelia to sleep, but Yoongi walked in instead.

"She's finally calmed down?" He cooed, running his hand through the mess of pink hair. Seokjin hummed in agreement, bouncing the girl on his lap slightly to ensure she doesn't fall into a deep sleep just yet.

"She was calm most of the afternoon, only a little fuss before bedtime," Seokjin raised an eyebrow at the shorter blond, "Of course, you would've known that if you left your computer."

"Hey," Yoongi tried defending himself, "I'm the only one here that works 24/7. Give me a break." Seokjin rolled his eyes right as Namjoon walked into the room.

"I'm going to take a shower and head to bed," Namjoon said, handing the bottle over to Jin, "She doesn't have to drink it all- she's pretty tired out." Namjoon bent down to press a kiss to the top of Ophelia's head and then one to Jin's lips before leaving the room. Right before he left, he turned to Yoongi, "You should get some sleep, too. You and Tae are going to be the only ones home in the morning, and you're not sleeping in until noon and leaving Taehyung alone with Ophelia the entire time."

Yoongi followed Namjoon out of the nursery with an "Alright, I'll wake up at eleven," which promptly got him a playful smack on the head from the younger. Seokjin chuckled softly before placing his attention back on Ophelia. 

"Daddy's silly, isn't he?" Jin bounced her again, resulting in a whine from Ophelia who only wanted to sleep. Jin cooed at the sleepy girl, giving a kiss to her head as well. "You can sleep after your bottle, okay, bug?"

Once the bottle in question was brought to Ophelia's attention, she covered her mouth with the back of her hand, wanting anything but the bottle near her lips. In her weak and tired state, Jin was easily able to move her hand back down to her lap. "None of that, baby," Jin whispered as he put the nipple between Ophelia's lips, facing only minimal resistance.

Frustrated tears formed in the corners of her eyes; Ophelia just wanted to sleep and have this nightmare end already. Her stomach sabotaged her, and soon she found herself frantically drinking the vanilla flavored milk. Jin's hand not holding the bottle started stroking Ophelia's hair, making Ophelia tense up slightly.

After a few more minutes the bottle was empty, and Ophelia was back on the brink of sleep. Jin continued to gently rock back and forth before placing her in the crib, placing a kiss on her forehead. 

Taehyung was too excited to sleep. He woke up at 5 in the morning hoping that Ophelia would be awake only to have his hopes crushed when he saw her still fast asleep on the baby monitor. For the next two hours, Taehyung went back and forth from trying to sleep to checking the monitor.

By 7, everyone except Yoongi and Taehyung had left for work. Taehyung took this as the perfect opportunity to wake Ophelia up and get her ready for the fun day the two of them had ahead of them. Entering the nursery, he almost had a heart attack at the sight of Ophelia cuddled in her blankets with her stuffies surrounding her, dressed in a brown bear footed onesie. It got rather cold that night, but Ophelia looked warm and cozy under her pile of blankets. 

"Baby," Taehyung cooed, "It's time to wake up." He picked up the sleepy girl with a smile while Ophelia whined, wanting to go back to sleep. Before she could fully wake up, Taehyung quickly changed her diaper and put her in day clothes- a yellow and red striped shirt and overalls. 

"You are so cute!" Taehyung squealed, covering Ophelia's face with kisses. When he pulled back, he was met with an angry scowl, which he still thought was adorable.

Taehyung picked Ophelia back up, and immediately Ophelia dug her sharp nails into his arms. "Ow!" Taehyung let out an overexaggerated hiss of pain, "Lia! That hurts!" When Ophelia refused to stop the assault, Taehyung placed her back in the crib. Looking down at his arm, he noticed blood was starting the form on the crescent-shaped scars. Ophelia, however, showed no remorse, and laid herself back down and wrapped a blanket around herself. 

"That wasn't very nice, baby," Taehyung said, bending down to make eye contact with the girl. "Say you're sorry and then we can go eat some yummy pancakes."

Ophelia was quiet for a moment, carefully observing Taehyung's face. She could apologize and get on with her day, but that was the last thing she wanted. 

"Fuck off."

Taehyung sighed, desperately wanting her to apologize so nothing would escalate. "Do I have to go wake up Daddy? He won't be too happy to hear that his little girl is being bratty so early in the morning."

"Fuck off." Ophelia rolled facing away from Taehyung now, further swaddling herself in the pink blanket. She no longer cared about how 'Daddy' felt.

Without a word, Taehyung left the nursery. He didn't plan on waking up Yoongi- he wasn't that stupid- but instead wanted Ophelia to sit and calm herself down. He went downstairs and sat on the couch, playing games on his phone to pass the time. A door slamming upstairs caught his attention, and he immediately ran back up the stairs. 

The first thing he saw was the door to the nursery wide open, and Tae started to panic. Just to make sure, he quickly checked to confirm whether or not Ophelia had left the room. The crib was empty, and there was no sign of the girl. 

Taehyung began checking every room upstairs but still couldn't find Ophelia. The only room he hadn't checked was Yoongi and Jimin's room, but the chances of her being in there were slim since Yoongi still resided in there. Just to make sure, Taehyung tried turning the knob, only to find it locked. 

The door to the library opened, and Taehyung saw a flash of pink hair fly down the stairs. Taehyung was certain he looked in there- how could he not have seen her? After a moment of confusion, the taller man ran after her until she locked herself in the bathroom.

Tae kept pulling at the handle in hopes it would magically open, and loudly cursed when it wouldn't budge. "Lia," he pleaded, resting his forehead on the door, "Please open up." He could hear through the door Ophelia's shuddering breaths, indicating she was crying. 

On the other side of the door, Ophelia curled herself into a ball in the corner of the large bathroom. She honestly didn't know what happened in the past half hour, but the more she dwelled on the threat of 'Daddy' dealing with her behavior, the more she remembered the last time he had dealt with it as well. She tried her best to convince herself it was all a sick joke, but then remembered how much it had hurt, and how embarrassing it was, and how much she just wanted to go home. 

The feeling in her legs had thankfully returned enough for her to run for her life basically, and explore the house she was imprisoned in just enough to find an exit or hiding place. Thankfully she was small, so she could fit almost anywhere. It was a surprise, however, when Taehyung had walked right past her hiding under the computer desk as if he wasn't actually looking for her. 

Once the knocking and talking outside the bathroom stopped, Ophelia didn't know whether to stop panicking or panic even harder. Her brain just felt so overwhelmed, and her tears had a mind of their own at this point. 

Even though she hated it, Ophelia wanted to be back home. She would take the insults and beer bottles thrown at her over whatever her current situation was any day. Although she often cried and complained over having to play mom over Rose, she missed how the baby would calm down whenever she so much as heard Ophelia's voice. She was essentially that baby's whole world, and now she was gone. Ophelia couldn't imagine how Rose was currently being treated, but only hoped that her brother had the sense to take her and leave the house immediately. Ophelia felt guilty for leaving them to fend for themselves.

Taehyung had given up trying to get Ophelia to open the door herself, and resorted to calling Seokjin to see what he should do. 

"Calm down, Taehyung-ah," Seokjin said, trying to calm down the panicking man, "Go get Yoongi and see what he can do. I'll try to be home by noon."

Taking Seokjin's advice, Taehyung went to wake Yoongi up. After knocking, the still half-asleep man opened the door with a glare, almost daring Taehyung to say something.

"Hyung, Ophelia locked herself in the bathroom and I don't know-" Yoongi cut him off with a groan, saying he'd be down in a minute. 

Taehyung went back to sit in front of the bathroom door, feeling like a failure. 

Taehyung still felt dejected even after Yoongi had pried the door open. He felt more pain than Ophelia did as he heard the loud spanks from inside the bathroom, tearing up himself as her cries echoed throughout the house. 

Yoongi still had her in his arms as he made her bottle, gently shushing her when her sobs started to increase. Since her punishment had ended a while ago, Taehyung knew the sobs now were from whatever was going through the little's head. Taehyung hesitantly entered the kitchen, and Ophelia briefly looked up at him from where she was previously hiding her face in Yoongi's shoulder. When her puffy red eyes still glassy with tears met his own, he almost wanted to break down crying. 

Turning around, Yoongi noticed Taehyung's discomfort and concern over the little in his arms. "She's fine, Tae." He confirmed, rubbing her back soothingly. "My little one's always calm and well-behaved after a spanking, isn't she?" Ophelia let out a cough in return. Taehyung was concerned she'd make herself sick from crying so much. 

"Does she... need anything?" 

Yoongi hummed in thought, bouncing Ophelia in his arms when she started fussing slightly. "Maybe her pacifier will settle her a bit after her bottle." 

Taehyung walked away to retrieve the item, with the older man adding on as he left, "Make sure you grab the strap as well."

[platonic-qpr-selfshipping]

🎫 here's a gush pass ^^ feel free to gush about whichever f/o you want, however much you want, then send this ask to 3 other self shippers! (@comfortingstars :3)

hELLO... I know it's been long since you sent this or other asks and know I appreciate them a lot and want to answer them !!! I just. may be a bit too bad at finding time and energy for these when there's a lot going on around me but just today I happened to be kind of daydreaming about Asra and thinking that I wanted to write something about those thoughts but not necessarily a fanfic and I remembered this gush pass!!! so thank you for sending it and don't mind me just rambling under the cut kxbsk

I got a bit personal so warnings for hmm quarantine and dissociation mentions

the week has been intense and Im tired as in I need to sleep a lot and just stay in bed or in a comfy sofa with no worries for a while so I was just thinking about how nice it would be if Asra was there with me somehow. just our bodies pressed against each other on the couch, or sitting shoulder against shoulder, closing my eyes knowing they'll still be there caressing my face from time to time as if that would make all the tiredness magically disappear (and who knows, with his magic perhaps it will).

so!! it's not unusual for me to check Asra's tags (to no one's surprise) and just this evening I found this in them:

AND I DONT THINK I HAD SEEN THIS BEFORE?????????????????? HOW COULDN'T I— THIS IS AN ILLUSTRATION WITH HIS WEDDING DESIGN. WEDDING DESIGN. THE ONE VASSAGO USED FOR ASRA AND I WEDDINIG ILLUSTRATION TOGETHER. Im. im just surprised I hadn't seen anything about this before and he looks so calm and peaceful and nice that I just thought that if this were a moment in our wedding, perhaps taking a bit of a break from the dancing to just lie down under some tree's shadow, and I sat by their side and saw them like that— bro I would cry. bro I would start crying right there. bro. bro.

there's just this sense of safety that always embraces me when I think of Asra, so it just feels so right for our bond to have developed this way, like it's so in character for us or something, to see it like this and have turned it into this. like, knowing him, knowing us— it just makes sense with the way we are, have been, have felt. and the thought of me crying at that sight because of the realisation just made me go through it all again kdhsk the memories, because when I expressed in that letter that I always feel like I can go to him no matter what or where I'm at, I really meant it

I got flashbacks like. playing the game or just talking about it with a friend that also knew it before the only class we had together. telling her that if we were studying in the same place I would run towards him in the corridor and drop on the floor to go "seems like I've fallen for you". how I have messages from years ago in the chat with that friend saying I would marry Asra and I had forgotten about those until I randomly found them when working on the fic. dude I even edited a marriage certificate and that was YEARS AGO HOW DID I FORGET ABOUT THAT DETAIL XKBDKS I wrote letters to him during quarantine to cope. I recorded a super long audio message about my opinion of his route when I finished it but I had lived through it almost as if it was my own experience in a way. going to classes watching the game's ads to get coins to unlock more content and seeing him in its mini-games. and I could stop playing for a while, but then if anything happened he would still be there. and I moved out for the first time and felt so bad I was kinda dissociating for weeks and the way to cope was to write them letters again. just— no matter how much time passes by, how long it's been since I last logged in the game, no matter what, Asra is there, my love for the character is there, and the support that gives me is surprisingly big. has been for a long time.

and writing that fic took a leap of confidence from me. I got so insecure about the whole thing that that's the whole reason that that one chapter where they reassure my s/i about a lot of stuff exists. because yeah, it's undeniable that Asra is important to me, but who am I to assume it would also go the other way around and create a fic like that? who am I to assume they would be happy with what I can give, when they have surely gotten so much more from other relationships or...? Idk. I knew I was getting into a rather unexplored territory by going with a qp wedding and the insecurity of that and who I am kinda got to me. and I know he's a fictional character and we're free to create whatever we want so I felt even more silly to worry about that sort of stuff kxbskb but it happened, and how did I deal with it? with, once again, relying on him, and writing about them. It's always him—

Idk if this has gotten overly long or personal or whatever bxksn just putting today's thoughts out of my brain because it also needs to sleep bxjsk conclusion is: there's this sense of safety and calmness when it comes to Asra in my life (btw I always admired that he likes to travel a lot because I've always wished to be able to do the same and the fact that we could just live our lives like that and travel together because it just feels natural to us— IM RAMBLING AGAIN) and Im so, so emotional over the bond we've created over the years. there really is something irreplaceable in the bonds we can create with characters

[dcyllom]

misc. tag game

thank you for tagging me @blood-mocha-latte :)

a band you don’t like that many others do:

definitely Ocean Alley (i don't like their music and their most recent scandal was...interesting. also a guy i used to like but who ended up being a racist LOVED them so i have viscerally negative reactions whenever their stuff plays)

a childhood memory that you remember vividly:

i have a terrible memory, but the thing i remember best is taking our dog around the garden so he could get used to it when we first moved in, and he dug up 23 bones which the previous owners dog had buried around the place.

least favorite animal and why:

CRABS, I FUCKING HATE THEM

hot fandom take:

none, i just see bob stuff and i generally like it. although i do dislike the (not very common) infantilization of the actors or the version of the real life men they're portraying. it's just not something i personally agree with but it's not that big a deal

do you were any jewelry, if so, what’s your favorite piece:

i love rings and necklaces, but my favourite piece is my great-great grandmother's engagement ring which i inherited through my great grandmother. its gold and engraved with cool designs and a ruby and some diamonds.

a movie others liked but you didn’t:

the greatest showman. i detest that movie so much and im possibly a little dramatic about it.

three things you love about yourself:

i like my taste in wine

i really like my hair right now (just got it cut)

i like that i have such an active and extensive imagination

a place you hope to visit in the future and why:

ireland :) my family has a lot of connections to it

an actor that gets on your nerves and why:

jared leto <3

things you’re excited for in the nearby future?:

joining the tramping club at my uni this year (in nz we use the word tramping for hiking im not that strange i promise)

least favorite ship in a fandom you’re in:

legolas/gimli, i just think their story is cooler if its them working through several millennia of racial hate and enmity to become best friends to the point where they want to spend the rest of their lives together. the romance angle just overshadows that for me with them.

what’s the most toxic fandom you’ve been in?:

okay this is quite niche but its funny to me, the girlfailure community on instagram. like those people who make semi-ironic accounts posting about unhinged esoteric books or ideas, astrology, societal/cultural expectations, and religious interpretation of thoughts. its a load of bullshit but its so fucking funny to read and its mostly sarcastic (i think) so i don't feel bad for enjoying it.

list three things you find beautiful about life:

my mother, especially learning more about her and how she interprets life. i've realised recently that we're extremely similar despite having wildly different upbringings. she's also the best person i know.

new zealand :). nz is very isolated with a diverse range of biomes, there is such a large amount of untouched land that you could drive from the southern alps through farmland and native bush to the coast in about 3 hours.

cooking while listening to music!! i love it.

any dreams for the future?

completing my law and arts degrees and going on to do a masters in the uk somewhere.

how are you really feeling today?

extremely tired lol, i've got a doctors appointment tomorrow because it's been going on for several weeks.

tagging (no pressure):

anyone who wants to do it! i forgot i had this tab open so i think everyone's done it. if not, feel free to say i tagged you or something :).

[tilvcei]

hi angel. i absolutely love your writing and i was wondering if you could write something fitting this trope with ethan landry and black!fem reader. maybe them getting in a fight bc ethan is drunk and her just being tired of the shit bc he does this every time. i think you have the skill to write this with the emotional depth it needs based on what i’ve seen. love you ! x

feel free to ignore this if you’re not accepting requests! i couldn’t find an faq or anything before i sent this so i’m sorry just in case <3

► 𝐁𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐏𝐎𝐈𝐍𝐓

⭢ In which: you haven’t been on the best path and try to hold everything in at once, but one person you care deeply for starts to notice. so, you just let the tears fall.

☆ | warning(s): angst, language, abusive household, alcohol,

☆ | note: request are open, actually! also thank you for the request because my inbox is empty 😭 also yes i made this very sad and I’m being truthful I cried myself while writing this, let me know if you want me to change it! thanks for requesting sweetheart <3 I can also relate to this one, I put some things that have happened to me in this writing— but other than that lemme stop rambling, enjoy :) [im not in college lol, that’s just an insert so the story makes sense] THIS IS SHORT, IM SORRY

☆ | gender: she/her (black!reader)

tagging 🏷: @ncllcraines

Today was rather a normal day. no killings or anything- well, not yet at least. you’ve been dealing with a lot. school, home, basically everything all together.

Not just that, you’ve been falling behind on college too. one of the teachers suggested you may need a tutor, which you lied and said you didn’t but they gave you one anyways.

And that tutor was Ethan thankfully. having to take care of your siblings was the only thing on your mind at the time. your mom is barely home cause of work. so being the big sister that you are you decided to step in and help.

you had stayed up overnight, working on everything without taking a break. this was a real struggle, your mom and step-dad were alcoholics at once, but then stopped when they realized what damages were happening since your step-dad had a mini stroke.

But other than that everything has been good, but for you? therapy was suggested from your mom.

on some days you were happy, some days sad. randomly out of nowhere you started feeling depressed.

Sleeping habits started changing, you started going asleep around 1:00/3:00 at night and when you’d wake up you’d still feel tired.

Working late shifts, just all of that was bothering you. and you were behind on exams, right now ethan was in your dorm, helping you with your work.

"So, do you know how many bones were fractured? it shows it on…let’s see, page 27. if we go back, we can find the answer on page 20." Ethan said, you sat there sulking.

You really didn’t understand the point of this, "do we have to do this? I understand this is important for my future but-" you were cut off by ethan.

"(Y/n). if you don’t want to finish this oh well, I’m going to help you. you’re going to be successful." Ethan said, you groaned in annoyance and looked back down at the sheet.

A sigh came from his lips, the only thing he wanted was the best for you. he could see how much you were struggling, he could see what you were trying to do.

"Are you sure everything is okay? you’ve been distant lately." Ethan said, when he asked that question you stiffened.

Why was he bringing that up now? nothing was wrong you were just extremely frustrated at the moment.

"I-I’m sorry. did I say something wrong?" asked ethan, you rubbed a tired hand over your face. the stress was evident on your face.

"I think I’m at my breaking point. you know how you just get tired of having to hold everything down all at once? if I’m being honest: I can’t- I…" you trailed off, as much as you were trying to hold your composure.

Then the tears started to fall, ethan wasn’t really shocked though, he knew what you were going through but waited for you to open up about it.

"You’re crying." Ethan said with a frown, he was startled when you wrapped him in a hug, "I’m just tired, ethan. of everything." you told him while sobbing.

"I know, I know. but it’s okay sweetheart, we could just put this to the side and lay down for a bit? if you want." Ethan suggested.

"Actually, that’s a great idea. I need a break anyways." You agreed, Ethan nodded and placed some of the books and sheets on the table.

Arms found themselves wrapping around your waist, maybe this was what you needed, some type of comfort. after all you’ve been dealing with a lot lately.

"Thank you, ethan. for being here." you said, he didn’t reply and instead placed a kiss on your cheek, "Anytime, love."

He was your safe place.

Im so sorry this was short, it was horrible also ik 😭 and this also felt rushed. I might fix some things up here, also if anyone would like to send request go ahead!! my inbox is open :D

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

hi im anon from (734828727660412928/npd-culture-is-deciding-to-give-up-on-friendships?source=share) (hopefully that link works, I don't use tumblr often so I'm not sure how to go about following up asks on anon). just came back to read this blog during a really bad crash im having right now because it cheers me up to know im not alone in having symptoms of this disorder and saw my ask got posted...

(update on friend situation) just today they said in the group chat theyre all drawing gift art for each other and other friends... i'm still waiting on the paid art from them but they're doing art trades and stuff for free so i feel kind of like trash. im a bit of a bleeding heart though so im gonna give them like one more month before telling them not to bother finishing the art for me... id love my money back because it did cost a LOT of money but i dont want to be a dick so im just going to express my disappointment by telling them not to worry about the commission at all. i want to feel like i have some right to be mad in this situation but im very soft hearted and dont really have any other friends so if i lost these friends id have literally nobody else in my life :( and that kinda feels like hell for me to think about... i feel like im being treated like dirt but im still going to go christmas shopping for them.............. even if i feel like shit, i feel shittier if i dont get people gifts and stuff because i just think to myself, like, "i feel like crap if nobody buys me shit for holidays or my fucking own birthday and i dont want other people to feel that way".....

also im feeling a little sad because whenever my friends talk about their friends they dont even refer to me by name theyll go "[friend a name], [friend b name] and oomfie are in our server" or something. im not even a name to them... i feel like the last kid picked on a team but not even the last pick. like have you guys ever been on a sports team and you kinda got awkwardly waved over to one of the teams because nobody even wanted to pick you? yeah.

i wonder if im just really dense and need to pick up on hints that people dont even want to be around me. i even tried to post this video game i started working on lately because i thought it was really interesting and cool and i put my soul into it but everyone just ignored it in the group chat.

i think the social outcast route is probably my best bet at this rate, i think. im going to be pretty fucking depressed about limiting my social interactions but i think the depression from isolation isnt as bad as getting constant narc crashes from people not putting even a tiny bit of energy into friendships. like.. i honestly am not asking for very much. i get fucking narc highs if someone uses my fucking name in a conversation. i get highs from literally the bare minimum fucking interaction of anything directed in my direction im so desperate....

i wasnt going to write up a follow up ask but i just wanted to say thanks to this blog for existing and making me feel like im not completely alone and thanks for the nice comments in the reblogs and tags, it cheered me up. you guys are really nice to me and i'm a complete stranger to you all, it makes me feel like theres some hope for nice people existing out there. im just a little too tired to carry on. thank you all, i hope you have a really good day. keep on surviving out there, it's not a kind world to any of us, and it's tough to stay alive at all.

(apologies for another vent but thanks for posting my asks <3 i wish you all the best and nice days to come. also sorry this isnt in the npd culture format, but i just rly wanted to say thank you for the support on the other ask)

sending hugs (with consent) nonny 🫂 i'm so sorry honestly you deserve way better than how your friends are treating you :( i hope at some point you can talk to them about how they're making you feel and improve the situation because it sounds like you deserve better

[mountainhaunt]

top 10 bands/artists let's goooo. i was tagged by @findusinaweek (bless you) so here's a loosely ordered list.

1) Hoppipolla. i could, can and have written literally a 2k+ word review on Hoppipolla's second album that turned more into a love poem from me than anything. y'all really don't want me doing this here.

B U T suffice it to say this timy little korean indie melancholia quartet has touched my soul in ways nothing else has. a few of their songs mean more to me than most things in this world do.

also!! world renowned cellist!!! hong jinho!! in the group!! seriously gorgeous, poignant magic these four create together.

the best/worst part is they dropped into the world, released two 10/10 heart stopping albums and then vanished again as if it were nothing.

2) Radiohead. i heard 'in rainbows' for the first time when i was 15 and it's what started me down the road of truly loving music and not just listening to it. radiohead is my baby and were my number one until hoppipolla came along a few years ago. ive been lucky enough to see them twice in concert and both experiences changed my dna i swear.

3) the Mountain Goats. the goats are like placebo in that i couldn't listen to them for a long time because of His Voice and i know that's like a trope at this point.

that was back in high school. now, john darnielle is hands down my favorite songwriter of all time and i unironically love his voice. no one writes lyrics and tells a story like he can and i constantly find myself turning to their music.

4) The Postal Service. death cab for cutie? eh, not bad, but can take or leave. ben gibbard + dntel? masterpiece.

their one and only album, give up, is my number one favorite album of all time and as much as i love it/them, i am SO glad they didn't release another. nothing could compare. anything that tried would only cheapen the debut album.

5) Hozier. i want to lay in the moss and cry and fall in love with a sweet lil cottagecore girl and i get to do that every time i listen to a hozier song

6) My Chemical Romance. my first loves. i was OBSESSED as a teen when they debuted and will still defend their honor today. although suddenly they've become really popular and not something for middle school bullies to pick on me for, so... defense unnecessary.

7) Margot & the Nuclear So and So's. they are so dreary and melancholy and nostalgic and gorgeous. i came across them by accident in high school because i was obsessed with the name margot, saw their name somewhere and immediately went home to totally not pirate them and see what they were about. "my baby (shoots her mouth off)" is one of the songs i send people when i talk about having bipolar, lol. the other being "lovecraft in brooklyn" by the goats.

they just evoke a special kind of feeling that is hard to replicate, and it transports me somewhere when i listen.

8) Erasure. i didn't know they even existed until i moved in with my partner and now i feel like every older queer ive ever met over the course of my life who didn't introduce me to them failed me, honestly

9) Modest Mouse. 'the moon and antarctica' came into my life around the same time 'in rainbows' did and also furthered my realization that music was to be experienced and not just heard. i never get tired of them (except strangers to ourselves. i listened to that album 3/4 of the way through one time and never touched it again sorry)

10) Rammstein. i love the drama!! i love the ferocity!! i love the taboo!! and they are also the reason i studied german so they deserve a spot here.

i'm still getting this account off the ground and haven't really chatted with many of you so im afraid to tag anyone lmao but obviously feel free to do this if you see it