#not meeting the goal I set for myself sucks though

[vivedotpng]

Before Art Fight started, i was like "Oh i am going to get so much art done! Sure, balancing it with Creative Clash will be hard, but i can manage to draw one piece every 2-3 days, right?" <- Oblivious

[utilitycaster]

How can Molly's death be considered a major mistake? It's the crux of the entire campaign.

so I think about this a lot, because you're right, and it really comes down to like...a lot of factors in how people interact with fiction, and some stuff I feel about fandom.

The short answer is that Molly is some people's favorite character, and they really wanted to watch him for 141 episodes and not just 26, and they didn't get to, and so it's valid to feel sad about that. But I think what personally grinds my gears is the idea that it's a mistake and because this is a Fan Favorite character he SHOULD have come back. Setting aside the fact that he had both his fans and his detractors from the start and a lot of people (myself included) who found him irritating didn't say much for a good chunk of C2 because, well, he was dead, this isn't a fucking competitive reality show. You don't get to vote on your phones to decide who wins a resurrection.

I think the longer answer is that there is a certain type of person in fandom, born of a certain type of person in social media communities, who just...is not willing or interested in considering not just that their experiences, preferences, and philosophy are not universal, but also that they are not objectively best and correct and that everyone who disagrees is wrong. It's often really common in, though not exclusive to, people who have particularly limited experiences - young (like, teenager/early 20s), people who haven't lived in a diverse area or in multiple different areas, people who for whatever reason do not get out much - which both makes sense (haven't been exposed to a ton of different perspectives irl) but also means that you get people who, for all they may talk about global politics, kind of unconsciously seem to act as though everyone they interact with online is a variant of someone from the same 3000 person town in the United States in which they've spent all 21 years of their life. ANYWAY getting back to the main point I feel like Molly attracted a lot of that kind of person, who just...doesn't get that while Molly is, to them, a deeply validating expression of gender identity, for many people he is "guy you meet at your friend's birthday party in a two-bedroom 6 floor walk up and within 5 seconds he has pissed you off so profoundly with his overfamiliarity that you go into the kitchen and mainline as much vanilla vodka as possible to not stab this guy with a secondhand knife that says "CHEESE!" on it even though you hate vanilla vodka and it's summer in NYC and you're on the 6th floor in a small apartment with too many people so it's approximately 117 degrees Fahrenheit in this kitchen and the vodka isn't much cooler, and you succeed in this goal, and then after sending your friend who couldn't make it because they were at a family thing that weekend a picture of a rat on the tracks of the 3 train with a caption "this u?" at 1:54 in the morning you're like "so this guy Molly was there" and they're like "oh my god I met him at Cameron's last party, he SUCKS" and you're like "I KNOW". Like a lot of people just do not get that Molly was very popular with their circle, and also a lot of people either were neutral-to-not-feeling-it. This is before we get into the post-death idealization of who he was that takes him from "irritating but I think he'd have grown on me in some ways eventually had he lived" to "horrible and insufferable fake-ass bitch."

And then we get to the true impasse: the idea that something that does not fulfill every single one of your personal wishes might still be a great story.

I'm certainly not perfect, and there's things I thought I wanted for the end of C2 that I didn't get, and there's some things I do wish we'd have gotten to see (or that we'd have done in C3), but I like to think that I try to remain at least partially open to the possibilities. I like to think that my enjoyment of a story isn't contingent on whether one single character survives, even if they are my favorite (and I say this as someone whose favorite ASOIAF character was immediately Ned Stark, a statement that should surprise no one who follows me) nor that the story precisely reaffirms my existing worldview. I want stories to tell me something new and interesting that wouldn't come from my own head, and I want them to sell me on it. I think that a lot of people lost the thread of the importance of representation, namely, they forgot that while it's great to see people like you in a story, you should also be trying to see people not like you and perspectives that aren't yours. I am extremely defensive of my and other people's right to say "I didn't like this story and here is why" without someone being like "Give it a chance! Here's why I think it's good" but at the same time, there is a difference between "I really wish Molly had stayed alive and I don't like that he died," and "everything that happened after he died was A Mistake because it wasn't what I Wanted, and someone should fix this." Like that's what toddlers do. That's not an adult way of interacting with narrative.

So those people don't even get to the point of "the entire campaign is deeply influenced by the loss of Molly; that is what binds the rest of the Nein together and makes them what they are; the fact that Lucien wears the face of a departed friend is crucial to the entire final arc comprising about 20% of the campaign; and the fact that he does not come back, but someone new, with new chances and new choices to make does is emblematic of a campaign about people who find that they cannot undo their pasts, but neither are they trapped or damned by them." They're stuck at "guy I liked died and I'm throwing a tantrum 6 years later."

[tommi3boy]

“I wouldn’t mind seeing your face here every once in a while.” | {SDV Harvey x gn! Reader}

Word count: 820

Warnings: minor injury, no name used

Pairing: Harvey x gn! reader

A/N: Farmers first interaction with Harvey, a little bit of corporate worker angst at the beginning but mostly fluff

“If you’re reading this, you must be in dire need of a change” grandpa’s letter wrote. Those words spoke true to your situation. The day-to-day of being a corporate slave has sucked all the emotion from your being. You craved something that would bring that spark back. However, trying to bring your grandpa’s land to its former glory has proven to be a major challenge.

You lay awake in the small cabin, your back aches, and you’re desperately trying not to itch the bug bites on your arms. You’d be kidding yourself if you acted like the tremendous amount of physical labor was fulfilling. There was no turning back though, you had to put faith in your grandpa’s action for gifting you this opportunity.

Your first batch of parsnips were finally ready to be dug up. This was a huge achievement in your book, feeling that spark of joy flutter in your chest. You set off to town, hoping to get a couple bucks off the parsnips at Pierre’s general store.

Pierre seemed kind of shocked that you managed to actually grow some produce at the farm. He applauded your hard work and was thrilled about getting some more fresh produce in the future. Such a friendly interaction had brought on more of that fuzzy feeling you had been missing.

While you were in town, you needed to grab some basic first aid tools to clean up your blistered hands.

Unfortunately, Pierre’s didn’t carry such things, so you were ushered to head next door to the clinic.

This was your first time in the clinic since moving. The man behind the counter was scribbling something on paper when you entered. He looked up at the sound of the door.

“Hello, are you by chance the new farmer in town.”

This guy was nothing like what you imagined the town doctor to look like. He was quite handsome to be honest.

“Yup I’m the new farmer, sorry for not coming by to introduce myself earlier; I’ve been pretty busy.”

“No worries, my name is Harvey, I’m the town’s one and only doctor. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

He had that friendly kind of expression where you could see more of his smile in his eyes than on his lips.

“Nice to meet you Harvey, I just need some first aid supplies to keep at the farm. I’m new to this whole lifestyle, so I’m kind of a hot mess right now.”

His expression change was very animated, maybe a little amused at your words but also a little worried.

“Oh my, I bet that’s been rough. I can definitely lend you a first aid kit. Since you’re here, why don’t I fix you up.”

“Are you sure? It’s just minor things, and I’m sure you must be busy being the only doctor in town.”

You looked over the counter and saw he was doodling airplanes on a piece of scrap paper.

“I don’t mind one bit; it’s my job to help after all”

You were sat down in a small room and watched Harvey put some hydrogen peroxide on a cotton ball to clean your blisters with.

“This might sting a little so bear with me.”

It sure did sting. Harvey was being really gentle about his care. He often looked up to see if you were making any sort of pained expression.

“So, what brought you to the valley? You said this was a new lifestyle for you; was there a sudden urge to become a farmer?”

You let out a small pained chuckle. “God I wish, I mean, it’s hard work but it’s satisfying. To be honest, I came to Stardew Valley on a whim, wanted a fresh start.”

“Ah I see, it’s a lovely town so I can see that sort of appeal. Try not to push yourself too hard though.”

You know he’s just saying that because it’s his job to care for the townsfolk’s health, but he seems really genuine with his words.

“I’ll make sure you don’t see me here too often,” you said jokingly.

“That’s the goal, but I wouldn’t mind seeing your face here every once in a while.”

Was that flirting? Maybe just friendliness, since this is a professional setting. You’re definitely a little flustered either way.

Harvey made a small care package of first aid items for you to take home. Your hands had some bandages on them, and he even went to the length of putting some ointment on your bug bites.

“Take care now farmer, and welcome to the town. I’ll be here if you ever need anything.”

“Thank you Harvey, you’re a really kind person.”

There was a little bit of rosiness in his smile when you left the clinic.

This new lifestyle of yours is really starting to pay off, you haven’t felt this kind of contentment in a long time.

[bettsfic]

The cost of dreams

I decided a while ago that I would pursue publishing. But with constant critiques of my process and myself as a writer I feel like I’ve run my well dry. I no longer feel like I have a story to tell or that when I do come across something, I no longer feel that I’m good enough to tell that story. I have come to a point where I don’t write at all now.

I naturally have high standards for myself and as I worked to improve my craft and began to follow new authors who have gotten deals or have been agented, I’ve begun to feel like I’m not good enough. Like I’ll never get my work to be as good as my faves or that I’m too slow in my writing process, that’s why I’m not querying yet. Just spirals of thoughts that shoot at one’s confidence.

I felt like I was doing everything that a person who wants to be a professional writer should do. Have a set writing routine(write every week or have set word count goals every month), outline(not that there aren’t professional writers who are amazing pantsers but this was what I felt like I needed to do), and constantly pick at your story until it’s “perfect”.

I’m constantly worrying about what is my most authentic work, if all my work needs to have a big meeting, whether I should write contemporary, because a” good writer” can write in all genres.

I should just be able to handle the pressure and keep pushing. Writing isn’t always fun and if it’s my dream maybe there just need to be some sacrifices. Idk, maybe I’m just rambling.

I really don’t know what to do.

there are only two choices: you write, or you don't. if there's something you love as much as writing (not something you might love or have to search for, but some skill or occupation you enjoy just as much and gives you as much fulfillment), then go do that thing. you'll be able to write at the same time. maybe not as much, but you'll figure it out. if there's not, then the choice is made for you. you keep going, and all you can do is try not to look too far ahead. just look at the words as they arrive on the page and try to forget the big picture.

also, i don't know very many writers who publish in multiple genres. i don't even know very many writers who create narrators who aren't just self-inserts. most writers just write the same thing over and over again and package it in different ways. and if people like it, they keep selling it. remember that when you publish, you're creating a product to be sold. publication is a small thing that seems bigger than it is; the work is always what's important. finding joy in the craft is what's important. if you've lost that, your job is only to find it again. it can be your sole occupation, what you devote every second of your life to. there are few things greater than the pursuit of self-joy.

i'm sorry you're feeling this way though. i feel the same thing about 50% of the time, sometimes for months on end and sometimes just briefly. all the writers you're seeing with all their successes feel it too. i used to think there were a lot of things i could do with my life, and that if i put my mind to it, i could do anything. but the truth is that i can be okay at a lot of things that make me feel mildly accomplished, or i can try to be exceptional at one and find meaning in it.

but if none of this tracks, go read the books you're seeing deals for. read the book you're most envious of and see how bad it is. maybe not objectively, i mean it's probably decent, but i guarantee it will be flawed. or boring. or poorly written. or it may make you go, "how did this get published?" or, "i could do this better." most of this feeling you're having is fear that you're not good enough, and the way to face that fear is to read stuff that sucks. one of two things will happen: you'll feel better about yourself, or you'll find a book good enough to teach you something new. as your writing improves, as you acquire more accolades, the former becomes far greater than the latter, until one day you're dying to read writing that kicks your ass.

[batter-sempai]

Hello hello! ...Dorry for my last ask. Got a bit overexcited and brainspewed all over your inbox.

Guess who's gotten into Ultrakill thanks to you! I'm definately not complaining, that's for sure.

So... I have decided to spice things up with a bit of a Ultrakill ramble instead of my usual Papyrus Nonsense (Does this mean I'm no longer the Pap Anon? The sacrifices I make for new blorbos... /lh)

One thing that I noticed was that I couldn't find a single role reversal fic. Which is fair. The Idoits (aka Gab and V1) are Too Damn Similar to just swap without making it the practically exact same story. So.... I came up with an idea. What if the setting was a "holy crusade" type of story? The angels culling humanity on the surface instead of machines in Hell? And the machines (either previously made for OG purpose or made specifically to fight the angels) have been sent out by humanity in defense? I just think it would be neat.

Side ramble from story ideas since that's the only one I've got, but something that interests me is... how do the machines WORK? I know there's.meant to be suspension of disbelief and all that but I want to Know. Do they have little suction holes all over their plating to suck in the blood? Does the blood work like with humans, only they lack the ability to regenerate that blood? Or is it that the blood works more like oil for a car? And the concept. Oh wow the concept. Imagine being in a weapon design commitee or whatever they have and some saying "you know what would be really messed up?" and everybody just nodding along and saying what a good idea that was?

Wow this is getting long. Going to cut myself off here but tldr thank you for the Thoughts.

- No Longer Just Pap Anon

Hehe hello there Pap Anon. :D I’m so happy I got you into Ultrakill. I’ll reply to your other asks too, I’m sorry it took so long. ;_;

I guess you’re both the Pap and Ultrakill anon now? Nice. ^^

Now that I think about it, what would a combination of both games be called? Underkill? Ultratale? Both sound pretty great.

Yessss I love how similar Gabriel and V1 are, while having the opposite goals. Both of them are, or now were, pawns to a higher force (the humans and the angel Council) and tend to act on instinct. Their dynamic is fascinating to me.

Ooh! I love the idea for this AU so much. :o Maybe in this world, humanity didn’t destroy itself with war and making the war machines, and managed to live on somewhat peacefully. But the Council didn’t like that and sent an army of angels, including Gabriel, to purge the humans. Would be very messed up if the angels sent down had to consume blood to survive too. Humanity’s last-ditch effort to survive was to send machines to fight the angels, and V1 being the last and most powerful weapon they made. V1 and Gabriel meet and fight like they do in the game, only on Earth instead of in Hell. ^^

On the topic of how the machines work, the game says that all machines who aren’t V1 have a “separate blood refueling process”, though it’s never specified what it is. V1 is unique that he’s the only machine that can absorb blood through his metal plating. So maybe V1 has very tiny suction holes on his plating to absorb blood. But the other machines might have to stop and siphon the blood into them somehow. I like to think they have some kind of blood vacuum, but I still need to give it more thought.

Also I think blood is actual fuel for them, due to the tagline “blood is fuel”. It’s mostly like gas for cars, they need it to keep moving. I've seen some people depict machines as having tubes as veins for blood in their bodies, or having parts that look like metallic human organs, which are amazing ideas, but I don't know how canon that is.

Here’s a screencap I took from the game explaining V1’s refueling process.

And honestly, the humans should have seen this coming. Imagine making powerful machines that NEED blood to survive and not expecting anything to go wrong. Then again, I guess humanity in real life isn’t any less foolish sometimes. But hopefully we won’t make something as awful as blood machines.

It’s okay ^^ Thank you so much for the ask.

I guess I can be both a Papyrus theory and Ultrakill theory blog too, because this was really fun to type out.

Also, here’s a screencap I took in Roblox of Papyrus and Gabriel. Hope you enjoy it Pap/Ultrakill Anon. ^^

[redflagfan]

I played the “Shattered Souls” demo, and you should too! (Mini review)

TL;DR: I am so excited for the full release of this this fun dark fantasy isekai otome game!

Shattered Souls is an upcoming game by @eternallovestudios. They just launched their Kickstarter and you can check out their short demo (one to two hours) on Steam or on itch.io.

In the words of the studio...

Celeste finds herself fighting for her life after enduring a betrayal that no one should experience.

As she nears her final breath, she is whisked away to a different world: Remoire.

Things are not as they seem, though. She’s not a mortal. Her past is as vast as the ocean. Her soul is fractured and barely holding together from the traumas she’s faced and forgotten. She must heal herself or even the tiniest tragedy could shatter her. But she’s not the only one who is broken.

Join Celeste as she fights not only to save her own life, but to change the lives of those around her. 

Will you traverse worlds, realms, and even time itself? Will you test your fate? Will you try again?

I played the demo, and I can't wait for more!

In this game, you play as Celeste - a mortal (?) girl determined to seek revenge, but also tied to seven different men (the romanceable characters). These are:

Marris: Literally God

Lance: The Actual "White Knight"

Shiro: Tsundere Demon Hunter

Ezra: Warrior Priest

Aizen: The Emperor

Karver: Childhood Best Friend

Eternal: ???

Basically, in the demo, you get introduced to Celeste's world and meet all these men. While this demo was short, it left me wanting more!

Here's what I liked:

The voice acting!! I love that this is a fully voice acted demo. It added so much to the game. Marris had me honestly laughing out loud!

The soundtrack! The music in this demo was beautiful. I can't wait to hear more of it.

The atmosphere! There was some tonal whiplash just in this demo, and I thought the devs did a great job of having me laughing but just a few minutes later, creating a dark, creepy atmosphere.

The art! Beautiful backgrounds and character design, especially on our MC, Celeste. She was so pretty I found myself just staring at her sprite the whole time!

And of course...the men! Seven is an ambitious amount of LIs, but I appreciated that each of them came off as distinct and unique. Plus, as someone who is a sucker for tsunderes and the childhood best friend trope, I can already tell who I'm going to go for first hahaha.

Basically, this game immediately sucked me in. I really enjoyed the world the demo set up and it left me wanting more - especially because there were a lot of questions raised that don't have answers yet. It feels like a lot of work went into building this fantasy world and I want more!

The writing is really good too and some of the lines were kinda silly, but the VAs said them with their chest lmao so it was good. I really liked the story. I feel like isekai is everywhere these days but this seems like it'll be something different from the usual.

I really recommend checking out this demo, and if you can, supporting the Kickstarter! I already have lmao. Please do because one of the stretch goals is a NSFW DLC.........

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi! 18 y/o ENTP here! I’ve always wondered about the role that culture plays in personality development. In my case, I came and know people from cultures where security is highly emphasized (the East Asian and southeast Asian kind, to be more precise) , and it seems like people have suppressed their natural tendencies very well to fit in in order to maintain survival needs , to fulfill their desire for status and well, “face”. I am personally not very adept at these and I eventually convinced myself that these people probably made a lot of unnecessary sacrifices just to live a life that is socially acceptable. Yet knowing that I am just terrible at meeting expectations, i suspect that my ability to adapt to my environment is just pathetically low hence my opinions are not justified. Security is important, no way I can refute against that.

Can oneself change their orientations just to meet the demands of their environment? I am aware that it is not often the case, but I feel like the way such theory may apply differently in more collectivistic cultures, at least from what I’ve observed. There’s indeed a lot of people who deviate from their original self, and they think it is constructive even though their way of thinking is just elitist and doesn’t take account for nuance. It almost seems like the end goal of self-improvement is to fit some idealized community image while tooting their own outstanding qualities (which is ironic, we all know they just wanted to play safe) and save for retirement. Or maybe, i wouldn’t be thinking of this if only I could’ve done what my parents , institutions and corporations expected of me. Things would’ve been less complicated if I tried to suck it up and become that doctor or lawyer that everyone respects. Life would’ve been so much easier when you are in line with society instead of sticking out like a sore thumb. And that is the kind of thing i wish would stop happening to me even though I don’t see the point of doing what everyone does (since that invites more competition and workplace toxicity which i cannot cope, obviously)

Should I stop caring so much about fitting expectations by attaining absolute job security as the end goal, or my self-improvement has to align with a value that is universally important but difficult to achieve? If i go with the first one, it almost seems like I am trying to escape from putting in effort to work with the second option, but going with the second one could leave out other interesting options to live a life that could be equally fulfilling.

---------------------

There are several problems/errors in your thinking because you're conflating many concepts that need to be understood separately:

(1) Oversimplistic View of People

The key point isn't about personality but about values. It doesn't matter the personality type, values play a major role in guiding one's future direction in life. It sounds like you haven't done enough to clarify what your values are, which means you are likely to struggle with making good decisions and finding good direction. What happens when you lack strength and conviction in your own values? The void within is easily filled by external forces.

The void is YOUR problem and it is YOUR responsibility to address it. By blaming external factors like parents or society for pressuring you, you are deflecting responsibility. What this does is set up an attitude of "me vs world". Eventually, the inner conflict morphs into an outer conflict, and you start treating your parents and society as "enemy". It's then easy to irrationally believe that your existence, freedom, individuality, etc, is under constant threat.

When you approach life with a "me vs world" attitude, you are always on defense and come across as combative right out of the gate. This doesn't encourage people to listen to you and understand where you're coming from. While it is true that not everyone is capable of reasonable discussion, you're not going to find out who is or isn't as long as you don't give people the benefit of the doubt.

You seem tempted to adopt an "individualist" mindset to justify going against cultural expectations, but there are significant disadvantages to it. When you focus too much on the individual, it's easy to fall into the trap of blaming individuals for larger social forces that are beyond their control. Culture doesn't just appear out of nowhere.

For instance, East and Southeast Asian countries are populated with people who have been directly impacted by some very extreme and traumatic historical events. It is an appropriate and reasonable response to value security because of it. You are lucky to be born in a generation where security is possible, which means you are among the most likely to take it for granted.

Life is difficult for most people. The majority of us, not born to great wealth, have to make difficult calculations, concessions, and trade-offs in order to obtain what we need from society. Society intersects with personality insofar as different personalities value different things and will thus make different decisions about what aspects of culture to accept or reject.

Having conviction in your values requires you to apply them fairly and consistently. If you hope for people to be accepting of the difficult choices you have to make, then you should be the first to accept the choices they have made. While I recognize your attempt to see the other side of the issue, you haven't reached a full understanding, so you aren't capable of genuine acceptance yet. You still speak about their decision to "conform" with disdain, as though it is a lesser choice that makes them lesser people. Be warned that having a shallow view of people contributes to feelings of alienation.

Acceptance is much easier when you're mature enough to realize that: 1) people are complicated and you shouldn't rush to judge when you don't understand their full experience, 2) what other people do is none of your business, and 3) other people's opinions should only inform yours when they are valid opinions, and validity isn't always easy to determine.

At the end of the day, while you should consider outside opinions, the values you hold have to be chosen by you. The reason you are easily triggered by outside opinions/expectations is because they are exposing the truth of your void within. When you have a deeper psychological issue that remains hidden or you refuse to address it, you end up becoming hypersensitive to any mention of it. If you don't want to be hypersensitive, then the answer is to stop blaming and face the problem head on within yourself.

You seem to want to contrast yourself with your culture by claiming to care more about individual choice, but you can't claim to be an individual when you don't know your own values. As long as your values are unclear, you are in a poor position to advocate for yourself. How can you persuade others to be sympathetic to your perspective or convince them that you are capable of making good decisions when you can't articulate why your values are important and worthy of upholding through your life decisions?

No parent wants to see their kid miserable. Can parents, especially Asian parents, be pushy, bossy, and overbearing? Sure. However, if you meet their pushiness with adolescent rebellion, you won't get far. Culture aside, any normal parent wants to see that you have a good head on your shoulders before they trust you to make big decisions for yourself. If you're able to approach them as a capable adult who takes life seriously, you might find them much more amenable to discussion.

An important aspect of learning how to use Fe properly is to realize that you have a big influence over how social interactions proceed, so learn to wield that influence wisely. But this isn't possible as long as you always see yourself as a victim of outside forces.

(2) Oversimplistic View of Society

What your parents expect of you may or may not overlap with societal expectations, however, one should not simply assume they are the same. From a Jungian perspective, parents often act as a stand-in for understanding society. However, how can two individuals adequately represent an entire society made up of thousands or millions of people? They can't. This would be an illogical leap. At best, your parents represent only a few aspects of society as a whole.

Of course, you don't only see society through your parents. You also have peers, friends, school, or work experiences. However, keep in mind that people tend to segregate themselves based on factors such as class, race, ethnicity, religion, educational attainment, common interests, etc. It is very likely that the people you've been exposed to outside of family are very similar to your parents with regard to the above factors. Therefore, it is still only a small sliver of society you are seeing.

Of course, you also learn about society through media. However, media companies are mainly interested in making money rather than providing a realistic, nuanced, and comprehensive view of society. What makes money for them? Lowest common denominator stuff; images that appeal to the simplest and often basest aspects of human nature. It is not only a small sliver of society being presented here, but a heavily distorted view of it as well.

All of this is to say that, with the little life experience you possess at 18, what you think you know about culture and society is extremely limited. You feel constrained by this thing called "society" and don't realize that what you're actually being constrained by is your own oversimplistic or distorted idea of what society is.

You are clashing with your parents and you've extended that clash to society, to the point of believing that the world is antagonistic toward you. This sort of thinking is emblematic of the adolescent drive toward independence. But society is an abstract concept; it is not a conscious entity that is capable of expecting things from you in the same way a parent does.

When you have a "me vs world" attitude, it's easy to trap yourself in the position of victim, rather than see yourself as an agent of change. If you were to confront every real person in your life who expected something unreasonable from you and resolved those differences as constructively as possible, it's likely that the antagonism you feel from "society" would disappear.

In other words, this problem is to be resolved in the realm of the practical, in your actual relationships. Thinking about the problem through sweeping overgeneralizations about "society" at large doesn't help because it just makes you feel lonely, cynical, and, eventually, depressed.

(3) Oversimplistic View of Culture

As part of your overgeneralizing, you seem to be conflating culture and society; they aren't the same thing. Society refers to a large group of people that are held together by some kind of commonality. Culture refers to a specific set of beliefs, values, norms, and practices that a group of people share and honor. Culture is more related to ethics, in terms of prescribing what is/isn't acceptable behavior.

A society can contain several different cultures and subcultures when there is a higher level of commonality to link them together, such as nationality. Perhaps you haven't realized that society is big enough to house a variety of cultures. Maybe you have to look harder for your kind of people or create a community better suited for yourself.

Calling cultures "collectivist" or "individualist" is actually one of my pet peeves because of how it leads people to stereotype or make insulting assumptions. It is important to note that this terminology was coined by western intellectuals, some of whom had obvious prejudices against any "eastern" peoples living east of Germany. Also, contemporary research has not been able to find compelling evidence for the distinction except when using the most extreme cultures for comparison. In other words, these are outdated concepts. There are newer and more useful concepts available.

Yes, it is a fact that some cultures place more pressure and perhaps even try to coerce members into conformity. However, calling this kind of culture "collectivist" is misleading. It doesn't account for how people really feel, deep down, about the pressure. Go to a "collectivist" culture and you'll find plenty of people who are critical of it or even openly rebel against it. Go to any "individualist" culture and you'll find plenty of people who spend a lifetime conforming to mainstream standards. What does this tell you?

We are all individuals. As an individual, you have a choice to make about the degree to which you subscribe to and participate in your culture. And I use the word "degree" very intentionally because you seem to have trapped yourself in a false dichotomy.

Thinking in polarized either/or terms is a sign of intellectual immaturity at best and intellectual dishonesty at worst. It hampers good decision-making and can even lead to helplessness because you lose access to the full range of possibilities available to you. The choice does not come down to either: individual or group; respectable or shameful; security or poverty; etc. Most people actually live life with more nuance than that. You accuse others of lacking nuance but you are the same.

You're living through a rocky time of transition between adolescence and adulthood. The brain doesn't reach full maturity until around 25. Eighteen-year-olds still suffer from certain childish thought patterns. Children have a very small and narrow understanding of the world, only concerned about whether the world brings them pain or pleasure. However, as you grow up, you should start to realize more and more that: 1) the way the world works is much more complicated than simple dichotomies, and 2) your subjective experience is not necessarily representative of the larger objective world.

(4) Oversimplistic View of Economy

In 2024, there's no such thing as "absolute job security". And it's not the case that every job can be easily sorted into either "stable" or "unstable".

As an example, I live in an area that has traditionally been great for computer science and engineering. Many members of my immediate and extended family are engineers and I was pressured to become one. For the longest time and even now, both of these careers were touted by all parents and teachers as foolproof, always secure. But that is not the case today. The economy has changed and these jobs have been disappearing or moving to more favorable places. Today, every job opening has hundreds of applicants and even those with advanced degrees find themselves unemployed.

What this should teach you is that the work society considers to be valuable changes over time in accordance with economic shifts and needs, but the culture doesn't necessarily keep up with those changes. Once upon a time, business people were looked down upon as dirty, greedy, and selfish. But now look at all the people in Asia clamoring to get a business degree.

To be aware of economic changes, let alone try to predict them, requires expertise and imagination most people don't possess. That is why all they can do is stick to what is known or what has worked in the most recent past. Unless you live in North Korea, nobody knows for sure which direction the economy is going to go. It's not something within your control. However, you can learn enough about it to make some good guesses and take smart risks. You can take time to research the full range of career possibilities open to you and make an informed decision.

The more useful question to ask is: Are you able to find or create work that the economy values enough for you to build a fulfilling life? It is largely irrelevant what the culture thinks about it because they are always behind the curve. What matters most is whether you can contribute/create something valuable given the socioeconomic conditions you live under.

.

Opinions are just words; they need not mean anything unless you ascribe meaning to them. Everyone has an opinion but not all opinions are equally valid. If you want to make good decisions in life, you shouldn't be easily swayed by every opinion thrown at you, rather, you should only be swayed by opinions that are backed by solid expertise and evidence - this is what Ti development should help you with. In the end, the results will speak for themselves.

However, if you can't get over the adolescent mindset of reflexively rebelling against "expectations", you will always be overreacting to every opinion that comes your way (which is a recipe for getting stuck in tertiary loop). Even if you end up choosing a so-called "secure" career, the underlying inability to carefully analyze and evaluate the quality of the opinions you encounter (i.e. underdeveloped Ti) will nevertheless result in an unstable life.

[ashthecat-15]

so like, I'm in a clinic, mental stuff

Adhd, depression, gender dysphoria too ig

generaly just to get back on track, to be able to take part in society as normal again

now I did had an anxiety attack just before I should have come here yesterday, but a few hours later my mom helped me get there

it was fine, they respect my gender identity and stuff

ofc the patients still assume male, because u didn't shave, but the good thing is the workers only refer to me by my last name, and I can just like, not tell the patients my legal name

I cna just say my name is Ash. to be fair I do dislike that name in german, even with correct pronunciation

like, not dislike

just kinda sounds weird

anyway, I haven't checked my weight in a while, that's 99kg, 218lbs. I think, neat

they took a blood sample, they'll do that every week

and blood pressure, heart rhythm, weight too, all that medical stuff

I managed to finish my food list thingy for, well, the food I'll get here

for this week at least

and I'm planning on cleaning up, well, myself

shaving, showering, all that normal people stuff

at least I'm getting a bit more confident in doing things myself here

not enough, I hope that'll come before the end of day meet up thingy where we talk about how we're doing, if we reached out goals that we set in the morning

did I mention I didn't sleep last night?

main problem is my former sleep schedule and the drama in the gc, but that'll fix itself

despite that, I'm actually doing pretty fine

I do feel like this place will eventually get me through all this stuff going on

even though it does suck I pretty much don't get to get on vrchat with the gc people anymore

sucks badly

buuut, I can still tease them pretty well over chat it seems~

aaaanyway

probably keep updating progress and all that stuff

idc about oversharing my life here tbh

I think it's better to do that on tumblr than any other social media, but idk

(gosh, the tags are always the most difficult part)

[visionarystoryteller]

New Start// Love For Noella Levesque

*part of the ‘Love For Noella Levesque OC World’*

Noella sat on one of the equipment boxes, watching her father from a far, talking to her step grandfather, Vince. To say Vince made things worse from time to time was an understatement. Noella had been nothing but nice to the man, hoping to get into working production for the show with her father, but every goal he set for her got her pushed back further, always taunting her with ‘you do want to work production here right? Then do as I say’. That had been the saying for the last few years. And now she had an out. An out with a horrible fate of her already crumbling family relationship, but an out.

Noella had been in contact with one of her fathers old colleagues, and one her first crushes, Chris Jericho, for a few months now, him talking up an opportunity to be a production specialist within a different wrestling company, WWE’s rival, AEW- All Elite Wrestling. Chris and Noella had been in talks about the difference of things and how they needed someone with a brain and he knew how much she loved the behind the scenes of the shows. So here Noella sat another message from Chris, with the addition of his boss, Tony, asking if she’d thought further on the offer.

“Noella” her father’s voice punched through her. Noella locked her phone and looked up at her father and saw his disappointed look. Noella knew exactly what was coming.

“He already hired someone new for production. You weren’t ready for this Noella” Her father stated. Noella sucked her teeth and nodded at him, cleanching her phone a little to tight.

“M’kay” was all she could say. Paul gave her a look.

“Just work harder right? That’s what’s best for business” Noella swallowed out, getting off the equipment box. She was tired of this.

“I’m gonna go get some food, see ya later” Noella turned away from her father and walked down the hall. Paul was stunned. Usually Noella had some emotion to being told she didn’t get the job again…but she had nothing. Noella was simply tired of trying but being no good. To say Noella was his most difficult child to read was an understatement, she was independent. He swallowed his breath and made his way to his office. He knew two things though, Noella was ready and Vince was a hardass.

Walking down the hall, Noella pulled her phone in front of her and quickly dialed Tony’s number along with Chris’s, a conference call more or less. Noella made her way through catering, grabbing a pudding and water before sitting in the corner away from all the noise. The phone picked up and Chris yelled through at her.

“WELL WELL WELL MY FAVORITE LEVESQUE!” Chris yelled. Noella giggled and cleared her throat.

“So anyway can we meet in Jacksonville?” Noella gets straight to the point.

“Does this mean?!” Chris starts getting excited.

“I’m done. I’m coming in tomorrow. I’m better than this and it’s time I show myself that” Noella says.

“Well that’s great! We can talk more when you get here okay Noella. Drive safe” Tony says.

“Will do. I’ll talk to y’all soon.” She says.

“See you soon Levesque!” Chris yells hanging up. Noella hangs up the phone and takes a deep breath, looking around catering at all the wrestlers. Some had become some of her closest friends over the years of being her dad’s assistant. She’d miss some of them that was for sure, but she was tired of the games. She knew she could do this.

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚. ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚. ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚. ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚. ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.

Later that night, Noella picked her things up early and headed to her dad’s office. Knocking a few times and walking in, she found her stepmom and step grandfather in the room as well. She mentally rolled her eyes. Every fiber of her being was buzzing to get the hell out of there, but she needed this.

“Noella, honey I was just about to have someone come find you” her stepmother had gave a smile. Noella tried to return it and nodded.

“Everything okay?” Noella asked.

“Yea I talked to Vince here and we think we found you something that you might like to do within the company” Stephanie smiles.

“With all do respect, I actually came here to offer my resignation. I will be done as of today. I just want to pursue something different. Maybe travel…might go see some old friends from college…I just want to find something that’s me” Noella spoke strongly. Paul looked at his daughter. something felt different.

“Are you sure kiddo?” Paul asks.

“Yea, might go and see Brie and Nicki while I’m at it, got some podcast they’ve been dying to get me on…I just need to be…” Noella says. Stephanie smiles at her and pats her shoulder.

“You’re a smart girl, I’m sure you’ll find it” Stephanie says. Vince was quiet but accepted her request without having to do a 90 day release clause. She was no athlete.

“I’m sure I will to. I’ll check in when I can. I’m meeting a friend down in Florida tomorrow, so driving out.” Noella says. Paul gets up and hugs her.

“Let me know when you’re safe” Paul says. Noella nods. Everything was about to change.

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚. ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚. ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚. ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚. ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.

“I’m here to see Tony Kahn, my names Noella Levesque “ she smiles. The security guard looks at his iPad notes and nods.

“Alright ma’am, meet him in catering, just follow the signs posted on the walls” the guard says. She nods and they let her through the detectors and begins her decent to catering.

ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚. ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚. ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚. ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚. ₓ˚. ୭ ˚○◦˚.

Noella was almost brought to tears when she was told that she had exactly what they were looking for. Tony brought up feeling like she was over qualified to do something as small as pro wrestling TV production. Chris was ecstatic for Noella. Having spent a good amount of time with her backstage, her following him around because she had about the biggest crush on him, and he loved watching her grow up. She had turned into a beautiful young lady that knew exactly what she wanted out of life, at least for the most part.

Noella ended up staying for the show that night to get a feel for where she was going to be at when she started next week. Tony had stayed with Noella for a little while before he went to production and Chris took over walking her around, meeting people and getting to see some older wrestlers she grew up with backstage.

Down the hall a little, Austin or Adam Cole and Maxwell, MJF, we’re walking when Austin spotted Noella. Austin nearly started stuttering, earning a look from Max.

“What dude?” Max asks looking at him.

“NOELLA ANN!” Austin yells down the hall. Chris and Noella look up and down the hall seeing Austin and Chris smiles.

“Go see him, think he may have missed his little sister” Chris bumps her shoulder. She laughs and nods. Austin was a one of Noellas bestfriends. He had worked closely with her dad and she was always there so naturally the two formed a friendship. She even formed a really good relationship with Britt, Austin’s longtime girlfriend. She starts walking to Austin and he smiles big at her. Max looked on with curious eyes until he finally realized who she was. She was a complete wrestling princess without wrestling and boy did Max think she was more beautiful in person. Austin pulled Noella into the tightest hug he could muscle, basically lifting her off her feet, paralyzed.

“A..us…t.i…n c…ant…br…” Noellla chokes out. Max hit Austin up side his head.

“She can’t breathe dude” Max says. Austin quickly lets up on his pressure and puts Noella down on her feet.

“Shit sorry Noe” Austin says sympathetically. Noella coughs for a second but waves of Austin.

“Christ Jenkins…tryna kill me, I know dad worked your nerves but damn” Noella fake pouts. Max has his eyes glued to Noella. He couldn’t seem to look away. This was Noella Levesque. He had seen her once with her dad when he had met with Triple H back in a time Max didn’t know if he’d stay with AEW…and she was even more beautiful now.

“Sorry Noe. I just can’t believe your here, wait why are you here?” He rapidly speaks. Max chuckles a little and Noella looks over at him. She had been so caught up that she forgot she saw Austin with another person. She smiles at Max trying to think of why he looked familiar but then remembered. Maxwell Jacob Friedman. She’d sorta met him once when he met with her dad about a year ago. He was cocky but she could also see right through that persona. She watched a few of his matches with her father, he was a great wrestler, but she also knew he was more creatively free here in AEW, then WWE. She knew they would creatively restrict him, so she was glad to hear that he had stayed with AEW. From then on, she tried to keep up a little on his career, no doubt forming a crush she didn’t realize she had grown up until this moment when she was looking at him. She could feel her cheeks warm and that was embarrassing to say the least. Austin looked at the two almost smiling like a Cheshire Cat at the two.

“Maxwell, this is Noella Levesque, Legend daughter of Triple H-“ Austin starts.

“And absolute beauty queen” Maxwell finishes out loud. Austin raises his brow at him almost comically.

“Maxwell Jacob Fridndman, I’m glad you stayed in AEW, creative in WWE wouldve made you dull, you have to good of a craft to waste. And thank you but I assure you I’m not beauty queen, can’t even say princess” Noella says looking at Max.

“Mhm you two cute” Austin says quietly, it going unnoticed by both Max and Noella.

“Well sweetheart, then you can be my queen” Max winks. Austin groans.

“Oh c’mon” he says, again the pair ignoring Austin.

“Smooth Maxwell, how many times has that worked for you?” Noella giggles. Max smirks, a little stunned himself.

“Well as full of it as I sound, I don’t usually say much to them when they’re around and about” Max says truthfully.

“Interesting”

“Also true though” Austin pipes in louder this time and Noella looks at him with a little surprise.

“See and this dumbass can’t lie for shit” Max laughs.

“Trust me, I know, he tried to all the time” Noella laughs. Austin rolls his eyes.

“So what’s up with you?” Austin says.

“Left WWE. Vince stiffed me again with the dream position I wanted and there was no way I was letting that shit happen again. I had been in kahoots with Jericho for a few months already and a few weeks back he had Tony get ahold of me and he offered me my dream job here. So after a little convincing from Jericho about some things and Vince’s last stupid move with me, I decided might as well see if I can at do the interview…anyway long story short, I’m now working production here, and I’ll be able to run things” Noella smiles brightly at the pair. Max nearly swoons at her bright smile. Fuck was Max hooked.

“Shit that awesome!” Austin hugs her again, but not as tight as last time.

“Does your dad know?” Austin asks once he puts Noella down. Noellas face goes sour and Maxwell scrunches his brows and looks at Austin for a moment before moving in next to Noella and putting his arm around her and pulling her in.

“Even I know Noella wouldn’t be here if he knew” Max comments. Noella shrugs agreeing with Max.

“Max is right. I just said some bullshit like I wanted to find what was right for me.” Noella says, putting her head as close to being on top of maxs shoulder as she could. Max decided to move to the wall and slouch a little and pull her to lay her head on his now more level with her shoulder. Noella just reacted like it was natural and normal thing for her to do. Austin watches the pair…it was crazy how comfortable the pair were with each other. Max didn’t really enjoy people and Noella just a quiet person, already sick of being in some spotlight related to her family.

“Sorry…I’m just excited to see you again, so my footsteps in my mouth” Austin apologizes. Noella waves him off lifting her head from Maxs shoulder.

“Ya ya make it up to me with food” Noella says. Austin laughs and max chuckles.

“You got it dude” Austin says.

[cherry-alive]

So, okay, I made a post a bit about this yesterday, but I've had a lot of thoughts since then and a useful conversation with my therapist. So. Complaining about dyspraxia below

I haven't been formally diagnosed with dyspraxia. It's actually pretty much the only diagnosis I've given to myself without at least medical confirmation. But I've given it to myself based on both a lot of research and comments I have received from medical practitioners (e.g. my pediatrician commenting on my weak grip, not meeting developmental milestones on time, comments from teachers, etc). And today my therapist said she's pretty sure I have it based not just on what I've reported but what she's observed in the way I physically interact with the world over the years, so that was helpful and validating. And we contacted my doctor today to hopefully get a referral to an OT, who will be able to actually assess me, which would be very cool. Because I still doubt myself all the time and go "you don't really have this" except like...I do though lol.

Part of the reason I doubt myself about it is that it hasn't had that much impact for many years. But recently, that has changed, and I've realized that it's not that I got better, it's that I went on disability and stopped trying to do a lot of things I used to do and spent like all day on my computer and got assistance with most physical tasks. I'm doing much, much better mental health wise lately, which is amazing, and as a result I'm engaging more and more with the physical world around me, whether that's going on walks or to the grocery store or cooking or dressing nicely or eating in restaurants or trying art or whatever. Which is great!

But it's all. so. fucking. physically. difficult. Not in an exhausting way, in a coordination way. Pushing carts at the grocery store? I bump into things constantly and get really overwhelmed by it and a few weeks ago dropped a glass bottle of olive oil that shattered all over the aisle in the store. Cooking? I love to cook, but it takes me at least 2 to 3 times the time to make any given recipe because I know myself and know I can't multitask so I do all the prep all at once up front, and slowly at that bc cutting vegetables is hard. Putting on makeup? Better set aside 10 minutes just to try to put on lip gloss without going outside the lines. Going to a restaraunt? Often a mortifying experience where I a) bump into other tables and/or b) have food all over my shirt by the end of the meal, which is so embarrassing but I've struggled with it my whole life. And it's just. It's all really really difficult and often I feel so ashamed when I drop something or bump into something or get messy or whatever in public and it just...it just sucks. And I get so so so frustrated and flustered and overwhelmed when I'm trying to do basic tasks at home like hanging up clothes or whatever and it's just so difficult and frustrating for me.

And I had forgotten how hard it all was because for years I just spent all my time on my computer. But I'm not doing that now. Which is great! But I trip and stumble and knock into things and get lost outside and can't do the things I want to do and I'm just constantly reminded that the physical world is very challenging for me. My probable dyspraxia has really been interfering with my life lately in pretty significant ways that have surprised me, I had kind of forgotten how frickin hard it makes a lot of things. I consider myself able bodied for the most part but I'm remembering now that like...not exactly 100% actually. And it just kind of sucks. A lot.

The good news is that as I mentioned, we contacted my GP about it and hopefully I'll get an assessment and maybe even some OT and/or PT, which could hopefully really help me. Because I'm trying very hard to recover and regain some independence, and this is proving a more significant challenge towards those goals than I had expected.

[thaumatology]

Behind the Muse meme.

tagged(sorta) by @esotericjerks

Name: Nate

Age: 27

How old were you when you first started RP-ing: I'm pretty sure I started at 15, maybe 16. (That was a mistake btw, I do not recommend it.)

Height: 6'3"

OC’s or Canons: OCs, though I have a couple OCs who started out as borderline expies of canon characters just because I liked their vibe but I am allergic to actually playing canons because I feel like I will get them wrong.

Prefer to play females or males: I think if you looked at all the characters I have ever created there would probably be a slant towards male, but in terms of my currently active characters it's a pretty even split (though Colin still gets more of my attention than any of the others.)

Favorite faceclaim to play: I don't really use faceclaims, at least not directly. I'll often pick an actor with a similar facial structure to use as a reference when drawing a character from different angles, but I'm usually not trying to recreate them 1 to 1.

Least favorite faceclaim to play: N/A, see above.

Worst RP experience ever: Hard to pick. I've been in a lot of different rp communities and most of them have ended up eventually melting down over some OOC drama and it sucks every time.

Fluff, angst, or smut: Any and all as long as its interesting! (and tbh I'm kind of a sucker for domestic fluff even when its not.)

Most overused FC: I don't engage with the concept enough to know.

First character you ever made: God I don't know. I was making characters years before I ever started rping and I can only remember a fraction of them.

Worst character you ever made: If we're talking in terms of personality and morals then its probably my version of Beelzebub. The man responsible for Colin's birth and childhood is pretty up there too, but he at least had an (arguably) noble goal when he set out, he just lost it in the ends justify the means thinking.

Favorite type of plot: I love long term slowburn shit (not just in terms of shipping) that builds up on stuff established in previous threads over time. In terms of themes I really enjoy taking two characters where at least one of them is initially distrustful and having their relationship build into friends or lovers.

At what time of day is your writing the best?: In terms of actually putting things together, mid day. in terms of coming up with little tweaks that elevate what I've previously written? Just after I go to bed unfortunately.

Are you anything like your muse?: Oh for sure. A lot of my characters get little bits and pieces of my personality through osmosis, and Colin got more than most. In particular one thing I drew heavily on when writing him was how growing up with autism made it really difficult to relate to a lot of the experiences my peers were having, and while he is probably not autistic, he experienced a similar thing due to his condition.

Worst thing about RP (in general or on Tumblr): Imposter syndrome. I will spend like two hours writing up a starter or a reply and think I really cooked with it and then my partner will respond with something that feels like it just completely blows my stuff out of the water. I have to constantly remind myself that if someone is choosing to rp with me it means they probably enjoy my writing.

To end on a good note — best thing about RP?: Meeting people with similar interests and getting to see all of your writing (and especially worldbuilding for those who have it, please share your worlds with me I want to learn about them!!!). So many people here are super talented and creative and it's a joy to get to write with you all.

Tagging: Anyone who sees this and wants to do it!

[hanzajesthanza]

Hi!!! Happy holidays and the best wishes for the new year! :)

*drapes a blanket over all the stacks of books I still haven't read* so how about that Hussite Trilogy book club?

Anyway, hope you're having a good day, week, and month (I don't know what else to write, really)

xoxo

happy holidays and new year!! hopefully it will be a good one :)

soooo yes, about the book club 🤔 i took some more time to think about it, and while i still think it's a good idea in the future, i don't think it would be the best undertaking for right now. it kind of sucks to not go forward with it right this moment, but i don't want to set something up and just abandon it or half-ass it later on.

i had a kind of few meetings with myself last month where i laid out my goals related to content in the new year ("content" - but one can say "fan-community initiatives, online presence") and i believe the best direction at the moment is to commit at least for a little while, to my long-running works in progress, and not add any new projects until i've seen through or satisfactorily established the ones i've already started and have been dreaming about.

that said, i would like to run a hussite trilogy book club in the future (perhaps even later this year, considering the events of narrenturm begin in august). just when it wouldn't be overshadowed by my other projects and priorities right now, and when i have a bit more experience...

i am having a good go of 2024 so far though and have my fingers crossed to have a productive year

[pipermca]

Writing Year in Review - 2023

I have to say, 2023 was an odd year for me.

I finally made it to TFCon again (after taking a long hiatus during the pandemic), and it was absolutely lovely to see everyone. I got to meet some new folks face-to-face, and meet up again with people I'd met in 2019. Spouse came with me this time, and he had a pretty good time (despite only being a TF fan via osmosis).

We did no other travel, though. Part of that was because we got a new cat, so we're back to needing to make kenneling arrangements before going anywhere. And as much of a joy as our cat is, that has made travel a little more inconvenient.

I had some major disruptions at work this year, completely upending the end of my summer and start of fall. As a direct result of this, the coming year is going to be extremely challenging work-wise as I get caught up on some things. Hopefully by late summer 2024, the pressure will be off and I can relax again (back into my usual level of work-related stress).

I also had my first round of Covid in 2023, which absolutely sucked. F minus, not recommended. I came very close to going to the ER during the worst of it, and the aftermath continued to kick my ass for months. The fatigue and brain fog was real, but the other health issues that it produced are still with me. Thank god for vaccines; I don't know how things might have gone if I hadn't been vaccinated.

In the coming year, I am going to try to focus on being kind to myself, both mentally and physically. Part of that is going to include the expectations I'm setting for myself for writing.

In December, I wrote 5,500 words, most of it in the story I've started posting, A Matter of Propriety. The story is still being posted (and I need to finish writing it!!) and I'm hoping to keep up my once-a-week posting schedule. If I can't make good progress on the next chapter this week, I'll probably drop into an every-other-week schedule instead, just so I can maintain my chapter buffer. (The story will likely have eight chapters total.)

For the year, in 2023 I wrote 62,502 words. Most of that was on A Matter of Propriety and Again and Again and Again (my TF Big Bang fic). However, I only posted 24,184 words to AO3, split between 4 completed works. (A Matter of Propriety will finish in 2024, so its stats will eventually count for that year.)

Most months I didn't set a specific word count goal, and that's ok. But possibly as a result, my output was all over the map. The two major peaks are in April (when I did the bulk of my Big Bang fic writing), and July (when I got a smutty fic idea and banged (hah) it out really quick).

Like always, my average words per hour is pretty consistent, although not as much as in previous years. Still, it shows that when I do sit down and write, I get consistent work done.

As I mentioned, I didn't make specific writing goals most months, but when I did, I never reached them. That tells me I am setting my goals too high, and I need to be more realistic.

As for the goals I set for myself for 2023, I did pretty awful. 😅 Again, I think I was just setting expectations too high for myself.

Finish Sun and Moon (working title) Nope. I barely worked on it at all.

Finish one Sparkr story (any of my bunnies or WIPs!) In progress? Call this 50%.

Write two comic scripts for practice Nope.

Make more progress in IDW2 reviews Nope, 0% progress made.

Finish The King and the Bounty Hunter Barely worked on this, either, so no.

Rewrite/repost stories that I took down. Call this 50% done.

When chatting about this with a friend last night, I realized that THREE of my goals were basically "finish this longfic." Considering how much brainpower longfics take, it's no wonder I failed. So as part of my "be kind to myself" vision statement 😅 I'm going to focus on do-able goals, with one "stretch" longfic goal.

Write two comic scripts for practice

Finish reposting taken-down fics

Write and post three one-shots

Start posting Sun and Moon (working title)

My rationale for these is: I really want to practice scriptwriting. I really want to finish getting those old fics back up in a better format. I LOVE the instant quick gratification of getting a short story written and posted. And the stretch goal is to start posting Sun and Moon. If I'm starting to post it, that means I am confident about finishing it. ✨

Behind the cut is the first sentence of each of the stories I posted (sans the reposted fics, since those were all backdated to their original posting dates), and the month it was posted in. I wish everyone a happy and safe 2024!

August. Sharing is Caring. "That's it… There you go." The words were whispered into Bluestreak's audial.

August. Plans in Plans. The tiny dot in the distance grew in size as it approached, until Megatron's optics were able to resolve it into the shape of a Seeker.

September. Again and Again and Again. Create log file.

November. A Nice Set of Wheels. "So who is this guy, again?" Mirage asked, slipping between a box truck and a van.

December. A Matter of Propriety. Orion picked up his comm pad for approximately the thousandth time since being shown to his table, and checked it for messages.

[pbandjesse]

I had a surprisingly good day. Like nothing huge happened exactly. But I had a really nice time.

Part of it was I slept pretty good. I woke up at 650. Which was my new plan so I could leave at 720 and this worked out really well. I didn't have to rush. I got dressed and went down to see James. We chatted about the day and they sent me off to work. And it was a much nicer drive. No traffic at all. And I got to camp before 8. Amazing.

I was alone for a shocking amount of time. Like no one else came in until almost 10. But it was nice. I got a lot done.

After I printed some things I would spend most of the morning just working on my temperature blanket. I cut all the yarn for the last 11 days and it didn't take too long but it did take a good amount of the morning. And once I was done my knitting I worked on sewing down all the tails and ends from the January block. This took forever and I would work on that mostly consistently until lunch time. There were a few things I had to do. Specifically answer some emails. But I was mostly just focused on my knitting and my sewing.

I would finally get an answer about my awah class. And they had already given the class away and I felt super disrespected in the way they approached it. And I sent a pretty stern email, saying how badly this hurt my feelings. And towards the end of the day she would apologize. But I was very upset about how the entire thing was handled. It would sour the middle of my day pretty thoroughly.

I would enjoy my lunch and work on a few little things before our meeting with John the consultant. Me and Sarah would head over to the lodge to set up the tables but she had to carry 48lbs of aquarium salt to the nature building so I carried both of our laptops and mostly set up the space by myself.

We would sit in there and wait for everyone else to join us. And we talked about if we are going to continue being full time next fall. She doesn't think she will. Maybe part time. And I'm considering that option too. The thing about this grant is it was supposed to be a year but I don't know what that means. Like when is the end of that year. So I started looking into what types of jobs I might want to do. Looking at parks and rec stuff and studio assistant and work from home things. I think next year if I don't continue full time at camp I would enjoy being at the BMI again and doing some kind of computer based work l. Something I can do at home but not talk on the phone a lot. We will see what happens. But it was fun looking around.

Speaking of jobs. James did our taxes today and because my LLC made some amount of money this year we ended up owning $1500. Which honestly is not as bad as I expected. Still sucks but it could have been a lot worse. Would have been nice to get a tax return but I think those days are over.

John the consultant was fun today. I got to talk about the work I've done a lot and he seemed to recognize that I'm not just a talker, I'm a doer. I did get a little frustrated when we were talking in circles because we were calling one thing "village time" and one thing called "village program" and no one was clear about what the difference was. And Alexi and Heather kept talking about starting over with the schedule and while I don't feel precious about my schedule I don't think they understand what they are asking. Like they want more fill camp programs. And they want more free choice. But they still want everyone to do everything. And that can't work. So my big goal tomorrow is to start trying to figure out a way to do the impossible. And like they seem to think I'm sad about them not using my schedule. But that isn't it. I would honestly not mind restarting the schedule because it would give me something to do. What I am frustrated by is that no ine is being clear about what they want. I just want to have clarity.

The meeting was good though. He praised us about the teen job program. Formally the CIT "councilor in training" program. Now possibly the "Push" (puhtok ultimate service heros) program. We aren't sure what the name is yet. I just know we can't use my favorite one "Puhtok incredible service squad" (p.i.s.s.).

I let Alexi know I had to leave right at 4. And the meeting was starting to go over so after I was given my tasks for tomorrow (thank God), I ran out of there. Smiles and waves and I til next time.

It was raining. But not to hard. The problem really was the feild was very squishy. But I made it to the office and grabbed my stuff and headed out.

There wasn't a ton of traffic. And I made it home by 445. I was really happy to see James.

James was making themselves a burrito. I would have cereal and a cookie while we chatted. I would gather all my materials and James took them to the car for me. Carried my wagon too. Love my husband. I gave them a kiss and said I would see them in a few hours.

I drove over to Creative Alliance and had some trouble getting a parking space. So I had to park a little far away. But that was okay.

I actually got the time wrong! The program was actually at 630. So that was really good because their was a meeting in the classroom and I was worried I was going to have to rush set up but I hsd plenty of time.

I chatted with Parker and told him about my feelings getting hurt with awah and he agreed they didn't handle it well. And we just talked for a while. It was nice. He's very cool. I also learned that the cool girl at the desk is only there part time. Because on her real life she's a lawyer! What! That's so cool.

The women running the meeting came out in a rush apologizing about the meeting running late and I'm like. It's chill. But they kept apologizing and were super nice. They would end up taking my info to possibly have a private class. Super sweet.

I spent the next half hour setting up and working on an example. And soon my three students came in. And we had such a good time.

I talked about the history of toys for a bit. About how stuffed animals are different from other toys in form and function. And we got right into it. I showed them tips for fabric cutting and how to whip stitch and it was just a really great time. I would show them some sewing machine stuff. How to put eyes on their bears. How to do a ladder stitch. And we just talked and talked. All three women were fascinating and I really hope I get to meet them again because they were all so nice. The one girl has come to my last workshop and brought her sewing machine for some practice. She is taking a proper sewing machine class too. I admire her for jumping in so hardcore.

The other younger woman recently moved here from Chicago and she goes to theater project a lot!! Which reminds me I would like to go to theater project more again. I will have to talk to James about that.

This was a really excellent couple hours. And once we were cleaned up I checked if they would like me to sweep. They said no and I said goodbye.

I need a stop across the street to see if my missing check is anywhere. But no luck. I'll have to check with Parker tomorrow. See if they can just mail a new one here. I'll get paid eventually so I'm not to worried.

I got home a little while ago. James is playing DND with friends and will hopefully be done soon. I am very ready to go get a shower and get ready for sleep.

Tomorrow I have stuff to do! I'm really glad because it's rough begging for enrichment in my enclosure. But I have a direction now and that's all I need.

Goodnight everyone I hope.you have a great day tomorrow!!!

[road2nf]

I was able to teach my students about water.org, led a Fort Awesome building contest, and taught them there is no them.

The Nerdfighter community has made me smarter, more interesting, and has helped me make new friends. I’ve also easily doubled my t-shirt collection!

Thanks to John and Hank, I’ve found great books, heard great music, pushed myself to create vlogs, volunteer even more, and subscribe to Mental Floss.

This community is the perfect set of everything I love, and encourages fandom, nerdiness, learning, and being a better person.

I was able to teach my students about water.org, led a Fort Awesome building contest, and taught them there is no them.

-TeresaMcD

___________________________________________________________

Hank and John introduced me to one of the best parts of YouTube: vlogging.

I enjoy watching their vlogs. They share a lot of great insights, and they make me think about these stuff and come up with my own insights too.

From their channel, I got to know a bunch of other YouTubers (whose vlogs are also now part of my life), find out about amazing books and movies and so much more.

I really discovered a lot of nice things from them.

Nerdfighteria is one huge army of awesome. It’s a community I enjoy being a part of.

There are hundreds of people worldwide who share experiences and opinions with each other, and even though we’re far apart we’re connected by this one goal: decrease world-suck.

I’ve met a couple of Nerdfighters in meet-ups, and it was like having your favorite story come to life! It’s one thing to be friends online, but actually hanging out and talking to these awesome people is a great experience.

Hank and John have influenced me (and hundreds of other people) to be a better person. They opened my eyes to the world-suck, and inspired me to care and contribute, even the smallest things, to make the world better.

Through their videos, tweets, blogs, etc. they showed me how to be more awesome.

Thank you John and Hank, DFTBA. :)

-Naomi (@naiomini, bigblueumbrella.tumblr)

[unofficial-sean]

Life kinda, like, passes you by so quickly. Once moment a college student is popping your cherry--you can’t really feel your body, it’ll ass tingly and light headed--and now you’re approaching your mid-twenties and the gravity of everything sets in; the finite nature of life, the warped film of time and memories, and latent nature of firsts.

When I was 17, I dreamed of where I’d be now, but where I am is so far off the mark. I can’t even bottom, i don’t have a place of my own, my career is fragmented, and worse of all, I’m so alone in this struggle.Not only did I fail to achieve my goals, I’ve become a different person; alien to who I was when all I could thin about was getting railed and moving out of my small hometown.

Not that those were good admirations, but I’ve just completely lost sight of who I wanted to be. I’m so lost and there’s no guidance. As loathe as I was to accepting it, I had so many resources in high school. There were people there willing to help if i just had the wisdom to accept it. But now here I am.

in three months, I’ll be 24. Another year passed and I have still not achieved my goals. They’re not even possible, now. And that should be fine, but part of me still wants that. Part of me still wants to get railed and have people over and live a more risky life. But all I can do now is top at best. Maybe I work some job. Gets me enough to survive and pay for my ROV research on the weekends. That’s all I have left.

I recognized that working for the Army was soul sucking,and so I’ve got multiple interviews in the private sectors for electronics work. But I jsut know it won’t give me purpose.

Everyone says “be yourself and you’ll find your people.’ But when I do that, I’m always alone. If I go out to the ocean with my ROV, who will saunter on up and take interest? How to I meet my people when all I do is solitary? I fantasize that someone asks what I’m doing, and I explain that I’m observing sharks, and they get interested, and I show them how to use the ROV controller, and l et them explore and focus on the marine life that catches their eye, and we form a friendship. But in reality, everyone on the shore is focused on their own things.

There is no guide anymore. There are no resources. I can’t figure out which side of me people like, and I can’t even get brief sexual gratification anymore.It seems whoever I am, personally, professionally, romantically, and sexually, is so undesirable. Even though I’m being myself. I fell so stuck.

I can’t stop crying. The life i wanted was robbed from me,and the best i can do with my circumstance is not good enough. I don’t have the personality of a dominant top. I’m a subby bottom that can’t bottom. I like myself shaved and lithe but toned. And that’ fine for a bottom, but not for a top. I can’t fit any space. I’m just this malformed creature,

N one wants to talk with me. N one matches my passion. I don't’ even care if it’s unrelated to my interests. I can spill about all there is to know about sharks, and I’ll never meet someone with that same spark for anything. Am I overwhelming? Am I dry? None of this shit gets spilled when I talk to people; it should come up when I  talk to my therapist, but my therapist is only available for one hour every two weeks. She’s never there when I need her most.

It’s not your responsibility to comfort me. My therapist would likely just tell me to focus on myself or whatever. I’ve been doing that. All the advice there is to give, I’ve heard.

I don’t think I’m inadequate. Inherently, I like myself. If I could clone myself, we’d get alone. But I really struggle to understand why other people don’t seems to like me. Whether it’s at a glace, after an interaction, or after months of friendship. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. I never get an answer.,. I get ghosted. I get left to pick up the pieces and form my own conclusions. All that’s ever done is force me to be harsh to myself; to self criticize; to pick myself apart before I can put myself back together.

I’m not perfect. I struggle to understand socialization. I can’t tell wish face people want to see. I’m too afraid to make compliments or advances because I can’t tell if what I’m saying is charming or harassment. When I keep to myself, no one gets in. When I push too far, I’m reprimanded. I long for a space where the words I say are not taken with such dire nature.

I want to be soft. I wanted to be feminine and womanly. And maybe i still can. But how many people really, truly want a feminine person to top them? How many people want to truly put  up with infodumping and the sensitivities of an autistic person? What can I even do to form connections when my messages are never read?

There is no guide. No help. I could have died today, and I’d have died without ever knowing a woman’s touch. Without ever feeling that delicacy. I’ve had men, sure, but that I’ve never felt; not intimately. I could have left this world without ever having touched a shark. Or left being a research paper. The only person who’d really miss me is my dad, And he doesn’t really know who I am.

I make my intent known and I wait. but how much waiting must i do before I recognize the reality and let it go? I am who I am. And I’m going to sleep.